KILL TONY - KILL TONY #137 (AUSTIN)

Episode Date: January 7, 2016

Ashley Barnhill, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 12/26/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. Don't forget to check out DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates to find out where DeathSquad's doing their live shows in your town. DeathSquad is at the Ice House in Pasadena every Friday. We have a comedy show there with some of the best DeathSquad comics. It's a good workout room so you can see us working on new bits. It's every Friday at the Ice House at 10 p.m. Every Monday, we are doing Kill Tony,

which is what you're listening to right now. We do that every Monday at 8 p.m. in the Comedy Store's Belly Room. And then the following day, we have the Roast Battle, which is Verbal Violence, the podcast version, every Tuesday, Ro roast battle at the

comedy store also me and george perez are bringing death squad to brea california and we're going to have special death squad guests on every show so check it out it's january 22nd through the 24th in brea california you go to death squad.tv and click on tour dates and, California. You go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates. And don't forget to go to ShopSquad.TV for all the official Death Squad merchandise including a brand new Death Squad t-shirt, the Taco Cat. And you can always subscribe to Kill Tony

on iTunes by searching the iTunes store for Kill Tony and hitting subscribe. Don't forget to rate and review the show. And don't forget, last but not least, TonyHinchcliffe.com for all your Golden Pony merchandise and tour dates. All right, guys.

Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redbeck coming to you live from Austin, Texas! At the Spider House Ballroom for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 3. Get up for Tony Hitchcliffe! Hey, everybody. Wow, listen to that. Holy moly, it's just like we're back at home, Brian. Yeah, but with a way better sound system.

Guys, give it up for the sound guys over here at the Spider House. He pretty much made it so perfect that my first special is going to be filmed here. Whoa, there you go. It is perfect sound, perfect sound. Perfect sound for an hour of poop jokes. Yeah, farts. It is perfect sound. Perfect sound. Perfect sound for an hour of poop jokes. Yeah. Farts. What the fuck is up, Austin, Texas?

Here we are. We are live on what has been called lately the number one live podcast in the world, everybody. That's right. We officially passed up Doug Loves Movies a few weeks ago as what is considered the number one live podcast in the world. And now we're live here in Austin, Texas. I have a beer pitcher filled with names of comedians. Well, maybe not filled with names. Maybe it's 1A filled with names of people that have signed up with a chance to do 60 Seconds in front of this live Austin audience.

What's fun about doing these on the road is we don't always get to meet the type of diabolical characters that you end up meeting on the road. In LA, you get so many people that are there to do stand-up comedy, and they've pushed everything out of their lives to do it, and on the road, you get to meet some crazy fuckers.

Are you guys excited about that, or what? It's going to be fun. One of the things that I'm most excited about tonight is a little taste of our home show. Every single week we have an artist that draws an episode of Kill Tony from scratch on a piece of paper. It just so happens that that artist is from your state of Texas, and he's sitting here. It's Ryan J. Ebelt, everybody. The only other member of the Kill Tony cast that was in the budget to bring here.

Because we didn't have to pay shit. Exactly, because he lives a half an hour up the road. In the budget, that's what we call that. And I'm so excited to be here. It's really Austin, Texas. There is a real strange warm humidity. Oh, it's crazy. It's like some type of piss warm mist that's in the air.

It's like walking through just evaporated piss. Yeah. So it's got that good Texas weather, you know. It's like Guadalupe. For those of you that just need that wet heat around you, you know. For those of you that just want to go back into your mother's womb, that's your weather here in Texas. I love it. I was expecting it to be a little bit cooler than this.

I got off the plane. I took the red eye. I got here at 4 in the morning. It was 75 degrees outside. It actually got hotter at night, they said on the news. By the way, I guess there was a tornado in Dallas, Texas about an hour ago because they realized that we're there tomorrow night live in Dallas, Texas. Holy shit.

For the thousands on Ustream that might be in Dallas, surprise. But you probably already knew we're coming there tomorrow night, but I just told you again. Are you guys ready to meet tonight's guest? Everybody? What if I told you that not only is this one of the best comedians in Los Angeles, opens for Dave Chappelle, has done the Oddball Comedy Tour.

You've seen her on At Midnight. You've seen her on Drunk History. You've seen her on Project Greenlight. But what if I told you that this female comedian is not only one of the best in the world, but she's also from Austin, Texas. Put your hands together for Ashley Barnhill. From deep in the back of the room. Real Price is Right style for Ashley Barnhill right now. There she is.

Dave Chappelle's opener. Kill Tony. Road panelist. Wow, you're really overcompensating there, aren't you? Overcompensating? Best intro ever. Hello. There she is, Ashley Barnhill. Happy to be here.

Just saw a guy pull a knife on another guy outside. Fuck yeah. You had a guy pull a knife on another guy outside. Fuck yeah. You had a knife pulled on you. Yeah, I was like three feet away. I want to give a special thanks to whoever put this... They let you go pretty fast. That guy's got a knife on him.

Whoever put this 80-pound new ashtray for me up here with the Ohio State emblem, I want to thank you. That's awesome. Isaac Eubank, who obviously didn't want to give it to me after the show, needed a little attention, huh, Isaac? Fuck yeah, there you are, you tattooed up son of a bitch.

Isaac, did you make this ashtray for me? No, no, no. You just found it at a thrift store and you're like, oh, I'm going to give this to Tony. We're not allowed to use it, are we? You can't smoke in Austin anymore. No, no, you can't smoke. What the fuck? I thought this was Texas? You can't smoke in Austin anymore. No. I thought this was Texas.

You can't smoke anywhere anymore, Brian. It turns out cigarettes cause cancer. You can still do it in Pittsburgh. There's a few places. You can still chain smoke outside, which is awesome. It's an Ohio State emblem, but it seems a little loose since Ashley just twisted it right off of the plate that it was molded on.

But thank you, Isaac. That's so cool of you. I thought it was Texas. Texas would have stuck, I feel like. Oh, Texas would. I see what you did there. Yeah, Texas would have stuck. I'm not going to say anything because we're in that place right now.

I love Texas. No, I really do. We've always had so much fun here. This is actually our second time to the Spider House Ballroom. How many of you were at the show a couple years ago that we did with Tiffany Haddish? Alright, just you see what kind of return

customers we have. If you see us once, that's pretty much all you'll ever need again. We're that type of show where it's like, oh, I did that one time. Well, to be honest, Tiffany Haddish did queef multiple times with the microphone that Ashley's holding right now. Well, I think they might have a different microphone since then. But fuck yeah.

So, guys, we're here. You know the show. Anything can happen. Like a lot of shows say anything can happen. But shit you watch on your tv and things like that definitely anything can not happen uh but we know that anything can happen here i mean you can't multitask it really really anything can i don't know how to do that do it normally we use brian's phone for the timer but he's using his i'm using my T-Mobile hotspot to broadcast HD quality video to the Internet

because the Spider House has Internet from 1992. That's right. And Ashtray's from 1991. But we're going to have fun. For those of you that don't know the show, comedians sign up for the chance to do 60 seconds. Or really, not even comedians. It could be anybody.

Shit. One of you could have signed up. Dan the sound guy could have signed up if he wanted to. He lived his dreams here for 60 seconds. And then we talk to them about anything in the world. Maybe we talk about their lives or their material or anything that could possibly happen or the guy that's too drunk

and is going to inevitably throw up in the front row because I can tell because I do this so often that I know the people that are going to get out of line immediately before I even explain the rules of the show. Anyway, comedians, you get 60 seconds. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. No, it's not too loud, Brianrian don't adjust the volume on it wrap it up then people don't go too far over your time or else you're gonna bring out the angry west hollywood bear i love it lady are you just meeting this guy for the first time is that what's happening or do you two know each other?

Speak up now. You've been talking to each other the whole fucking time, so now answer my questions. Is this a first date? Do you know this guy? Y'all just met, didn't you? Yeah, we did. Okay, well, now is not the time to catch up on everything, alright? You guys are

sitting in the front row of a fucking show, and you're pasty, white, and shiny. And I see you just yapping, trying to win over this girl that you just met, and it's so sad and desperate, so just stop. I'm not gonna deal with it for the next hour and a half. I love how, like, that shit

gets applause breaks, like me having a meltdown. People are like, yes! Do more of that. Wait, you totally went over that the guys don't pull a knife on other guys. Yeah, I'm not gonna really get into that. I'm from Youngstown, Ohio, where that's like a normal

thing. Not that impressed by your almost pulling a knife on somebody. Austin, Texas. Wow. I mean, especially this guy. Like, why would you pull a knife on somebody. Austin, Texas. Wow. I mean, especially this guy. Why would you pull a knife on the fucking Schmeagle from Lord of the Rings? You know what I mean?

Okay, whatever, dude. So let's get this thing started. I have almost a picture filled with names. And then we're going to talk to them. You guys ready to get this started? It's Kill Tony, Austin, Texas. All right. Performing first,

with an uninterrupted 60 seconds, it could be anybody. Maybe your friend signed you up and you don't even know it. Put your hands together for Kyle Long. Are you fucking serious? That's not Kyle Long. Wow.

Is that you, Kyle? Oh my god. Yes, he has a keytar. Kyle Long! Kyle Long! Kyle Long! This is already the greatest thing ever. All right, we get it. The cap, because it's taking him so long to get to the stage. Kyle, are you aware that you have to walk to the stage

in order for this to work? Are you playing your own intro music? Oh, this is immediately a train wreck. You guys wonder why I say anything can happen 11 times at the beginning of the show. It's because anything can happen. Hey Hey what's up Cats in space cats

death squad yo red band Tony this chick let's make out do you want to make out and I'll suck your titties

cats in space Do you want to make out? And I'll suck your titties. Cats in space. Cats in space. Universe. Get high. Okay, sorry. I'm done. There you go. Kyle Long.

Holy shit. Holy shit. All right. You can turn the... You can power down, Kyle. Power down. All right. Get next to the microphone, Kyle. Power down. Get next to the microphone. Hey. Fuck yeah.

Wow. I thought the keytar would be cool if I brought it. Why don't you just relax, Kyle? You're making your mustache fall off. I'm a police officer. This is real. All right, Kyle. Settle right. Kyle, settle down. Kyle, settle down.

Settle down. Take a note from the drunk slob in the front. Just tone it down a little bit, Kyle. Sorry. I love it. Fuck yeah. I love that the corpse of Philip Seymour Hoffman came out tonight.

Okay, it's fake. It's a fake mustache. Oh, all right. It's not the corpse of Philip Seymour Hoffman. Now that you've taken out the mustache, I see it's Chaz Bono. It's just me. Thank you.

You had me fooled there for a second. Kyle, how long have you not been playing the keytar? How long have I not been playing it? Yeah. I don't even play it like a year ago. Okay, good answer. Kyle. It was like a year ago. Okay, cool answer. Kyle. It was like a year ago.

Okay, cool. Have you ever been on a stage? What do you do? Well, I've been doing this comedy for like three years, but like I haven't. Wait, what was the question again? What? Your phone just started playing music. Can you pause?

Okay, very good. It's okay. She got it. Go back to the microphone. Go back to the microphone. We know what the long in Kyle stands for. Sorry. And Amanda's way too long.

That's what she said last night. No, probably not, Kyle. Yeah, you're right. Nothing happened. That's probably not what she said. I just read a book with my cat. Hard to be hooking up with a chick when you're grave robbing for new jackets. This is a $500 velvet jacket

I got for $100 because nobody else wanted it. I bet. No, we can see why. I got to get it fitted. It's pretty awesome though. Kyle, fuck yeah. You're getting pity applause

from the back of the room right now. At least one girl might want to suck my wiener tonight. Just one. Wow. Kyle, when's the last time you actually got laid? All jokes aside. Probably at least two years ago. Two years ago. At least two girl might want to suck my wiener tonight. Just one. Wow. Kyle, when's the last time you actually got laid? All jokes aside.

Probably at least two years ago. Two years ago. At least two years ago. I could feel that. Really? Two years? Maybe someone's friend. Hey, rubmaps.com.

Trust me. I already looked at it. You guys have solid Mexicans. I know. I know. Yeah. Solid. Like real Mexicans.

Not the L.A. Tijuana ones. Cleaner. Kyle, I know how you could get more pussy. You ready? You have to find the closest lesbian biker bar. Lesbians really like me, too. I know. I can tell because they think you're one of them.

They think I'm like a lesbian. And I love lesbians. They're so cool. I'm chill with lesbians. Fuck yeah. I bet. Friend zone all day with you. Well, yeah.

No. I designed a tattoo for a lesbian, and she's going to get it in a month, and she's pretty nice. She works at a juice bar, and I get juice from her, and she's pretty cool. Oh, wow. Look at that. You know, the best thing about lesbians, clean as pussy. They've been licked, like, all day long, you know?

Oh, fuck yeah. Brian's going off of the kitten mentality. I'm like a really pretty girlfriend. Kyle, do you ever stop talking? Or do you just hate when greatness is happening? Do you like that sound of silence more? I don't know. I like lesbians.

Okay, yeah, we got that, Kyle. Now, do you do stand-up comedy? Are you a musician? Or did you just decide to try something? I don't know. I guess I'm just... Have you done stand-up before? I'm like Johnny Cash. No, you're not. I guess that's your answer. Uh-uh. No. Definitely

not Johnny Cash. Only I don't do a lot of drugs. You know, I stay clean. I work out. What kind of drugs do you like to do, Kyle? Sometimes I do Tyna up. I got a headache. There you go. I'll smoke a little bit of weed and I'll meditate. Maybe I'll read a book about stuff that's really cool. What kind of books have you been reading?

Cookbooks? No. I read a book about... I don't cook. I don't cook stuff. Right. No, you don't eat out either. I don't cook. I don't cook stuff. Right. No, you don't eat out either. I don't. I do.

This side of the room didn't get that one. I guess so. Anyway, Kyle, what do you do for work? Take the mic out of the mic stand. Make yourself comfortable. Okay, yeah. I guess I just eat a lot of pussy.

Kyle, I think you got confused. You're just repeating back things that I've said that you don't do. You're short-circuiting, Kyle. That's okay, guys. I think the keytar is getting to your head or something. I turned it...

Never mind. It's still turned on. Kyle, unlike any girl you've ever been with, it's still turned on. Kyle, right, unlike any girl you've ever been with, it's still turned on. Actually, hey, hey guys, wait, wait, that's not entirely true. Come on. Lesbians love him. Lesbians love me because they feel like, hey, he has long hair. He's cool. Yeah, that's why.

Actually, it's because they like dildoing each other with your keytar. Kyle, what do you do for work? It might fit, kind of. I'm sure you have a great job because you are avoiding the dog shit out of this question. It's like business to business sales, but I kind of suck at it. It's the old avoidance old car horn. When somebody avoids a question, you're going to hear that. No, it's just basic sales.

Kyle, what do you do for work? It's just business to business sales in Austin and San Antonio. Just printing. Business to business sales. It's like business to business in Austin and San Antonio. Basically just printing machines. Commercial printing. It's not exciting to talk about.

Who gives a fuck? It's better to talk about lesbians. That's funny. Well, kind of. Not really. Kyle, I'll decide what's funny okay just stick it up here uh yeah so what is funny what is a funny thing now kyle settle down all right i'll ask the questions kyle okay jesus i've never seen a fat coke head before this is incredible i don't see a lot of questions i'm not that fat you're just really skinny i I know. How skinny are you? You're like a fucking skeleton,

dude. It's true. I can admit. I'm sorry. I don't have less than 10% body fat, but in Texas we're not like LA skinny where we all fucking... Almost got one out there, Kyle. I tried.

Okay, I tried. Nothing but momentum and then just let it fizzle out. Sorry, man. That joke's playing with a cat in outer space right now somewhere. I only had one minute to do something stupid. I definitely did something stupid. Kyle, it was great. I'm not making fun of your minute at all.

I'm making fun of the fact that you can't take a question here on the stage. I answered it once. Business, business sales, and then you said something about printing machines. And selling weed. Oh, okay. There we go. All right.

How much for a dime bag, Kyle? Now we're actually in business. Business, business, if you will. I never did cocaine, though. I'm not a cocaine guy. What? You should try it. I would be a lot skinnier.

Kyle, you're giving disclaimers like your parents are listening to this podcast right now live on Youthstream. Mom and Dad, I've never done anything bad before. I haven't. And that's not true about the cocaine losing weight thing. That's actually an old fable. Because Joey Diaz would be negative 200 pounds. He would actually be invisible. Kyle, what do you like to do

for fun? Are you born and raised in Texas? I like to make out with lesbians. Kyle, you just keep going back to keywords from earlier. Let's do this. Have you done stand-up comedy before? Yeah, for about three years. For about maybe two or three

nights a week. In San Antonio and Austin and stuff. What's your act, is it music also? I don't know. I haven't, like, I'll do random stuff, and sometimes I'll do keyboards, sometimes, like, a rap about seagulls and shit. I love that. People can relate to that, you know, because everyone

knows what a seagull is. And sometimes they feed it bread, and it's about, like, I call myself Seagull Man. I'll talk about feeding seagulls bread and shit, because you know, that's fucking real life. I like that. You know, Tony, that's something that you don't really see much. You don't see

unique comedy like that that's just ridiculous and insane as much. You usually see bullshit cookie cutter generic shit over and over again. So it's really refreshing to see somebody like you, man. I enjoy it. There's nothing I can give you or I don't think any of us can give you an advice because

you're a unique person. What made you wear the fake mustache though? Is that like a keytar stereotype that we didn't know about? Sometimes I'd wear the fake mustache with sunglasses and do Boston accent and people would be like, you're like Tony Clifton. And, like, I was like, oh, shit, never mind.

Like, I didn't know I was trying to be like Tony Clifton. And then I would do random stuff. I don't know, I'd just, like, try out different things. At least you're not like Bill Hicks, you know? Like, everyone's trying to be like Bill Hicks or certain people. I like how he, like, was about truth, and, like, that's what comedy is.

It's, like, people who, like, promote truth to is. It's like people who like promote truth to reality. I love that a guy that just did Cats in Outer Space is telling us what. That's like real truth. You know, sometimes you're getting really high and you see a cat in outer space and you think to yourself, hey man, truth. Kyle, settle down. Back it down.

What are you doing? Sorry, I'm sorry. Is this your presidential platform or something? I don't know. Hey, fuck capitalism, right? Just kidding. I'm just kidding. Just kidding. That's cool. Wow.

No, I'm just joking. I'm joking. Do you leave a lot of comments on people's YouTube videos? No, I don't. I feel like you don't get out that much. Just Jeb Bush and some politicians. I'll try to make myself known by saying, Hey, Jeb Bush, I don't like you.

Okie dokie. And then he'll probably feel sad about that. You happen to sell cocaine. No, I don't sell cocaine. He's really, really adamant about this cocaine thing. No, I don't sell cocaine. Kyle, what do you really like to do for fun other than lesbians and cats and other things that we've talked about in real life? fun. I don't like that. Like in real life.

If you answer the question honestly, we'll get to know more about you. All right. I guess I'll jog my dog. It's kind of fun. Really? You jog with your dog? That's not fun. It's not something to do.

You know, you just go to the park. You go to the dog park. You go to the dog park and jog? Yeah, you talk to chicks with other dogs and you're like, hey, what's up? I got a dog. With your dog? Yeah, I got like a pit lab mix. It's like a lab pit mix. Pretty cool. Oh, yeah, we got that. Yeah.

The pit lab is pretty neat. Fuck, yeah. Yeah, it's a cool dog. How long have you had it? I mean, that's not like that fun, but... Kyle, focus, buddy. How long have you had your dog for? Three years. What's your dog's name?

Sparta. That way people are like, what's your dog's name? This is Sparta. And I kick their dog over a cliff. There you go. See that? This is Sparta. And I kick their fucking Chihuahua lab mix or whatever the fuck it is.

Fuck yeah, Kyle Long. You're not on Twitter, huh? You put your email address. I am on Twitter. That's my Twitter address, diamondcarol at yahoo.com. That's my Twitter. That's your actual Twitter handle? Diamondcarol, but Diamond was when I

was a network marketing company. It's not so much that part that confuses me. It's the at yahoo.com part. Well, I thought that was like... Is that how it works? I don't know. Holy shit. That's not how it works.

You can follow me on Instagram. That's what I like to do. It's pretty cool. The fox horse. Follow me. The secret to the universe within that. Kyle, you are an impressive guy. I know, because I got a velvet jacket on.

It's kind of what happens if you don't treat a yeast infection. This is what happens. Yeah. I feel like something's still a little bit off. Like, we busted him on the fake mustache, but I think the whole thing might be a disguise. You know what I mean? And, like, the mustache just fell off first.

I feel like it's just peel away skin. This is about to fall off. All right. Kyle, it was nice meeting you. Good job. First one of the night. Tough position. Kyle Long, everybody.

Come on. Yeah. Follow him on Twitter at DiamondDickReel at Yahoo.com. Diamond and then KRL. I think that's how it works. DiamondKRL at Yahoo.com We got you. DiamondKRL at Yahoo.com

There he goes. There he goes. Kyle Long. You know, Tony, we forgot to mention we're going to pick one person from Kill Tony tonight to open up for us. That's right. That 10 o'clock desk watch show. Starting now. Starting now, we're going to

be looking for somebody to perform on the second show. They're going to open it up, do a few minutes. Josh Martin just wrote us from Los Angeles. He's like, what is that guy with the keytar? Oh my god, he did say that. What the fuck from that guy with the keytar? Oh my god, he did say that. What the fuck from that guy with the keytar?

He spells out his lips. He types like he talks. Special shout out to Josh Martin, who couldn't make it here. He's almost in the budget, guys. We're almost. Next time. Once we make enough money, we're taking all these people with us. I pulled another name out of the bucket.

As you can tell, anything can happen. Put your hands together for Justin Spector, everybody. So casual dating is not all it's cracked up to be. I mean, it's fun until you have to break up with somebody who you're not exclusive with. I tried the whole, like, hey, I want to see other people. And she was just like, yeah, I know. You're already doing that. I was like, all right, yeah. But I like them all better than you.

So, oh, no. And the other bummer is, like, I really, like, I hate to wear condoms. And, like, I was talking to the girl that I'm seeing, and I was, like, trying to get out of it. I was like, look, if you let me not wear a condom, I will buy you as much Plan B as you want. Just go crazy.

And she was like, no, no. I'm not worried about getting pregnant. I just don't trust your dick. And I was like, that is fair. Okay. But the joke's on her. Oh, shit. My mouth's been everywhere.

My dick's been... I've never even seen a dental dam. Fuck yeah. Justin Spector and his dirty, filthy cock. I like that. Is that all true? You hate wearing condoms? Well, I mean, yeah. Come on. Is that a true? You hate wearing condoms? Well, I mean, yeah. Come on, is that a real question?

What the fuck? I just want to hear him say yes. You like wearing condoms? Fuck no. I can't even stand the smell of them. It's disgusting. Especially when you find one inside of her from like two days ago.

What the fuck, Ryan? Find one inside. I like the plan B, because that's true. I'd rather do the same thing. Can I just come and you, instead of spending all the money on birth control, let's just spend all the money on plan B.

And here's a tip. Plan B is actually just two birth control pills. So you could actually four? Is it four? Alright just two birth control pills So you could actually Four? Is it four? Alright, four birth control pills Wow, fuck yeah, Justin the pharmacist over here So save money on it that way Fuck yeah

And you must get a ton of pussy Because ever since you played Wolverine in X-Men I mean, I know that women have just been going crazy for that, right? What nationality are you? I'm a big mix. Mexican, German, Hungarian, and Russian. Yeah, Mexican. There's that no condoms thing immediately.

Now it all makes sense. You know what I mean? Aye, aye, aye. What was that? I love that. So Mexican, German. Is that what you said? Hungarian and Russian.

Jewish on those sides. Mexican, German. Is that what you said? Hungarian and Russian. Jewish on those sides. Oh, yeah. Jewish. Jewish. Just in case there's any agents or managers out there. Also a little bit Jewish. Justin Spector. That's interesting.

It's like a rock and roll name. Yeah, Spector's like Phil Spector. Yeah. Regina Spector. Yeah, Ukrainian Jews. What do you do for work? I work in healthcare. I do project administration

for a healthcare company, like compliance and stuff like that. Sounds like your co-workers would not want to hear you talking about raw dogging all around town. You know, I work in healthcare, serious stuff. Get my dick wet.

Go hand in hand, kind of. Fuck yeah. You ever hook up with a co-worker before? Unfortunately, yeah, yeah. What's his name? Whoa. Brian from Left Field. What was that like?

How'd that go down? You were sitting on one of the guitar player's printing machines, and she walks in. No, it was really kind of like I got pressured into it. It was kind of a weird situation. You got raped. The boss, huh? No, no, not at all. I'm actually a manager and she's

a janitor. And she was just like, keep texting me drunk, keep texting me drunk. And eventually she wore me down and we wound up having sex and it was alright I'm a little biased towards Justin because I met him

at Moon Tower but he was hanging out with my sister oh yeah hey how many fingers whoa

I was actually recently going to ask her about that guy at Moon Tower but well she lives in San Antonio yeah

so we never saw each other. Do you live here? I do. Yeah, I'm from here. Did you fuck her sister? I didn't. No, we kissed and it was very nice. You guys kissed?

And you didn't fuck her after you already kissed? She must be a horrible kisser. What happened? Yeah, what happened? Did you kiss her butthole? I'm a nice guy. Yeah, what did you do? What do you have?

Ashley's sister is like a super nice girl. I shouldn't be Your sister is super sweet Well she's only seven She is sweet Oh my goodness Don't laugh like that afterwards Okay so Justin you have a serious job

You're banging your coworkers. You don't wear condoms. How much stand-up material do you think you have altogether? Probably about 15 minutes. 15 minutes. How much of that is just you talking about your filthy cock? Well, you know, I've got all kinds of stuff. I've got a lot of political stuff, too, but this is what I could fit into a minute.

Political stuff? Yeah, yeah. You segue right from how much you just fucked everything right into, and what's up with this Ben Carson? Am I right? I'd like to do a raw dog his asshole. Anyway.

Knuckle deep in Jeb Bush. Fuck yeah. Justin, that's fun. You're from here in Austin, Texas. I am, yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my seventh month. Seventh month. Justin, that's fun. You're from here in Austin, Texas. I am, yeah. Yeah. How long have you been on stand-up? This is my seventh month.

Seventh month. Now, your pants are so tight that we can clearly see everything that's in your pockets. Whoa. Did you know that? Except the dick. My thighs are just really... I had to. Is that the new iPhone, or is that like a Wi-Fi router or something?

What is that thing? It's a Samsung. Oh, I see. Fuck yeah. And how about that one? Those are keys over there, right? Those are keys. Those are your keys in the right pocket.

I like that. You keep it so that everybody can see. Just in case they were looking for a condom in that pocket. No way is there a condom in that pocket. What this guy talks about is the truth. When's the last time you wore a condom in that pocket. What this guy talks about is the truth. When's the last time you wore a condom? How special does a girl have to be to get the condom? Well, no, because I have been casually dating,

I do wear a condom doing that. Although I just recently started dating someone semi-seriously, so we are sometimes not using the condom, which is nice. It's not your sister, is it? It's not your sister, no. Here's a tip. You know how at the end of the night, the girl always takes off her little ponytail holder

and puts it on the nightstand? You put that on your dick so when it's dark, it feels like you have a condom on. Oh, my God. It works. Oh, my God. I feel like that trick only works on the type of girl who you find an old condom inside of her pussy. I feel like this is all the same girl you're talking about, Brian. The same sloppy animal that you're fucking.

Justin, worst hookup you've ever had? You ever have some terrible stuff go down? What's happened? What's your deal? The worst one was an OKCupid date when I was living in San Antonio. And I met the girl and she's like way less attractive than the pictures. But I was like, fuck it. You know, I'll have a good time. Like, we'll hang out. I'll drink this situation. Right? Right.

Yeah. So we wind up at her house and she's got this little chihuahua and I'm laying on the bed and it's like licking my face and it throws up in my ear. In your ear? Yeah. That's not even the end of it. We wound up having sex and after going down on her,

I go into the bathroom to clean myself up and I see there's blood all over my face. Oh no. I figured out later that I gave myself a nosebleed but at the time I didn't realize that oh my god how do you not realize if you have a nosebleed or if it's period

I ate this girl's pussy so hard I broke my fucking nose on it dude I look like I just done 12 rounds with Mayweather it just doesn't occur to you in this situation you thought you broke your nose for a second, then you realized first, and then you're like,

oh, she must have been on her period. No, no, it was the other way around. Yeah, I realized that I had actually a positive blood lead. You really got a nosebleed while going down on a girl? This has happened like multiple times. This is like a problem.

Wow. That's like... Don't ever get AIDS, because that would be... Yeah, I know, right? Yeah, luckily Don't ever get AIDS. Yeah, I know, right? Luckily, you'll never get AIDS going around fucking anything without a condom. Okay, Cupid. I feel like this should be

the face for okay, Cupid. Just a broken off hand job happening. Look at that over there. He's like, I must kill McDreamy. I love it. You can even see it on the stream. That's funny. So how many, you hook up on a lot of these dating sites? Like, now that you're

going steady with somebody, do you have to delete those apps or what? I delete it, okay, Cupid. Tinder I keep because that's what I like to do when I poop. Right. It's fun. Yeah. I mean, it's like, everybody don't, everyone's just, you all do it. No, they all pictured you pooping for a second. But what I pictured was you pooping

those pants and there being an outline of it behind you and how amazing that'd be if you accidentally pooped your pants wearing those because we can clearly see everything. Ah, Justin, Justin, Justin. I can't believe that the dog threw up in your ear.

Wow. Dog just threw up in your ear. Wow. Dog just threw up in your ear. Does that happen a lot? Dogs lick your face and they're like, you guys are fucking disgusting. Well, I think it's probably the first time a dog's licked the inside of my ear. Am I right?

Right. Uh-huh. You okay? What just happened? I don't know. Red Band was pointing. I was just ordering another adult beverage. Oh, okay. I thought you were saying look out that way.

Don't look out that way, Justin. They specifically asked us to have you facing us. And he has something in his back pocket. Dude, you need just a purse. Like a man purse. A little five-star notebook back there. A little fanny pack.

It's where you log all those fucking... Alright, forget it. So, I thought you did a pretty good job. Your writing was there. It was on point. It seemed like you need more time on stage because it definitely felt like you were kind of just doing your jokes.

It didn't feel like that comfortable vibe where you're just more yourself. Right now, we've been talking, you felt very comfortable. Where if you listen to this back, you'll see that you're just more like yourself. Right now, we've been talking, you've felt very comfortable, where if you listen to this back, you'll see that you're kind of memorizing, almost like doing your jokes by memory or something. Instead of doing it by memory,

just kind of go crazy. You know the idea of the joke, the punchline of the joke, do it in your own voice. That's the biggest thing I noticed. Just like with your sex life, don't play it safe. You know what I mean? You've got to fucking go for it.

You've got to let it rip. And if things don't go good and you come out with something terrible the next day, you just keep plowing through it. Just keep fucking tearing up those hot, hot rooms. You know? I'll keep that in mind. Thank you. Come in that pussy, bro.

Just blow away. Just keep blowing those. Ashley, what do you think about this guy? What do you think about Justin Spector? Yeah, I think you're a little better than no condom jokes. I think you can do a lot better. I have better jokes. And I do like the skinny pants. Which, by the way, do you not think your pants don't look like those?

No, that's exactly what his pants look like. My pants do not look like that. Why does everybody throw me under the bus? Why don't look like my pants. No, that's exactly what his pants look like. No, they don't. My pants do not look like my pants. Yeah, it is. Why does everybody throw me under the bus? Why don't you stand up? Look, there's extra fucking material, you haters. My legs are like twice the size of your legs. Oh, he's too skinny.

Oh, he has pants on. No, no, I can't. Everybody wants to fucking turn on me. Huh? Is that what you want? If you stand right next to him, it will be exactly the same pants. All right, all right, look.

Just because you guys both wear fucking Levi's from the 80s doesn't mean that... Are you referring to red pants? Yes, obviously. Wait, what are you wearing? Jordache? What's this brand that you're wearing? What are you talking about? It's a Topshop girl.

I'm pretty sure nobody listening to the podcast wants to know about my pants right now. These are express. Wow. Justin, what do you like to do for fun? What's your favorite hobby? You play any musical instruments or anything?

You know, I don't. So, yeah. So, really, like, I used to occupy most of my time dating, but now that I'm not doing that, I've picked up RC helicopters. You picked up RC helicopters? Yeah. Wow. I'm a big nerd.

Yeah. Yeah. That's incredible. So, you put a camera to them, and you – what do you do with them? I mean, like, are RC helicopters better than drones? Why aren't you into the drone biz? They're more challenging. More challenging?

Why can't you just be the best drone flyer in the world? Because there's a huge market for that. You could do weddings. My roommate has a drone. I have a helicopter. We swap. You guys are hipsters, right? And you're like, dude, the drone's so mainstream.

I'm going RC helicopter. Hipster, hipster. Yeah, that's the hipster RC vehicle. Why would I want thousands of yards of range and height when I could just hit the bottom branch on this tree?

I have to buy a new one. Just a soda-branded hipster helicopter. For the subtitles of Ashley Barnhill's performance tonight, you can tune in on iTunes. We're going to subtitle everything that she says as she laughs through it. When she gets out something clear,

we won't subtitle that, but we're still waiting for that to happen. She cracks herself up. Maybe you shouldn't have attacked my pants, dummy. Anyway. And you too, you son of a bitch. You can't do judge on judge roasting.

It's the most fun. We're going to team up on you. People love it. Justin, I think we've heard enough of you. You're not on Twitter, huh? I am. So you don't want people to follow you on Twitter're not on Twitter, huh? I am. At Spectronas. S-P-E-K-T-R-O-N-A-S. So you don't want people to follow you on Twitter either.

Yeah, it's an old nickname. I don't know. You might as well just have the RC helicopter be your avatar because nobody's going to. All right. All right. Well, thank you guys a lot. Yeah, Justin, that was great.

Nice meeting you. Justin Spector. Good job, dude. It's so fun getting to meet people and kill Tony. Ashley Barnhill's on the attack tonight, and Justin Spector almost fell down the stairs. Anything can happen. Ryan J. E. Belt on the drawing over there,

fucking plowing through it. I can already see madness happening. You can buy all or any of Ryan J. E. Belt's amazing prints at ryanjebelt.com. He draws every single episode of this show. Last episode on Monday, for example, we had Doug Benson and Jeff Garlin, and that was a lot of crazy fun.

For those of you that... How many people listened to that by round of applause? A lot of people. Jeff Garlin apologized for his performance on that show and said that he's going to do it again and bring his own guest with him.

Be on the lookout for that. That could be something crazy. Double trouble for me. If you know anything about who Jeff Garlin hangs out with, hint, hint, motherfuckers. That would be so great. Motherfuckers. You just ruined the whole TV show for me.

This is interesting because this isn't even a human being's name. This seems to be a business of some kind. But I'm going to say it anyway. I'm going to give him a chance even though he's clearly just promoting his own thing.

So let's give it a shot. We're probably going to hate him. Put your hands together for Not Worth Promotions. If you've signed up on a name that sounds like that, that's you. Yep. Here he comes, everybody. Here he comes. Taking the meth route.

Make some noise, Austin. Come on. Come on. Make some noise, Austin. Come on. I think I switched the Twitter handle and name sections. Oh, okay. Well, in that case, put your hands together for Al Doggy Style.

Is that you? No. No, then you just signed up completely online. Wow, you guys. Okay, well, we're going to rip this in half, and we'll split you up. Obviously, you guys can't read. You know, when you can't read the thing that says name and Twitter, and you put your name on the Twitter and your Twitter on the name, that's just you guys.

All right, let's start this over, guys. Guys, give it up. What's your name? Might want the mic, huh? What? Might want the mic, huh? What's your name? Connor.

Connor what? Bell. Okay. Put your hands together for Connor Bell. Unedited. Kill Tony live. It's probably going to be pretty hard to follow the guy who got a nosebleed from eating pussy. Oh, fuck. I'm choking, this is not good.

I've never been on stage before. I had some shit written, and then the junk motherfucker here, and that girl there, I was going to hook up with her, but the junk motherfucker scared her off. So now my head's all fucked up. My head's written shit.

It ain't working. And now my bombing is going out to millions of people. So I'm going to kill 25 more seconds. Oh, wait. I remember my shit. Can we get some uniforms for these motherfuckers that work here? I'm from a small ass town. Everybody in this fucking city looks the same.

There's no fucking name tags. Fucking everybody looks the goddamn same. I'm tired of looking at people's asses for a little white towel. Holy shit. Wow. I thought Keitar was gonna take the worst of the night,

but out of the woodwork, out of nowhere, comes Connor Bell. I'm an underdog. I'm an underdog. I love that, Connor. I feel like you're the first... I will take the worst spot tonight. I guarantee it.

I'm actually watching your documentary, Making a Murderer, right now. Are you really watching that? Because it's the greatest thing ever. It's the greatest thing ever. Oh, my God. Breathing heavy into a mic has never worked out good for anybody. Connor, settle down.

What is the deal with it? Give me the cocaine that you guys have. It's like people can't bomb hard enough in their 60 seconds. They just keep going after that. Let me just say some more stuff that doesn't have a punchline. Now, you gave up in 60 seconds. They just keep going after that. Let me just say some more stuff that doesn't have a punchline. Now you gave up in five seconds. I've never seen somebody give up in five seconds by just

going, hey, uh, uh, oh, this isn't going good for me. You panicked immediately. At one point you said the stuff that you wrote wasn't working, and if you pre-wrote that you were going to follow a guy with that out of nosebleed, then that's just impressive, sir. That's some real

Hey, Annie's back. She clearly just left him. Fuck yeah. Yo, what the fuck? You ruined my sex. Holy shit. Jesus Christ. This is like some crazy fucking deleted scenes of Breaking Bad going on over here. Oh my god.

Is that really how you yell at people too? You have the most quiet yell I've ever heard. Pick up. Pick up. What are you doing? Stop it. I'm going to get you. I've never heard somebody yell whisper before. But that was amazing.

I only got one vocal cord so it's kind of hard. Why? What happened? Tell the truth. When I was in 8th grade, I smashed the shit out of my throat. How'd you smash it? What were you doing? Being a clumsy ass, walking up bleachers.

When you grow like 8 inches in a year, it's hard for a fucking 12-year-old to figure out how to fucking walk. That's so pathetic that this guy's going to go fuck your girl again. When you grow like eight inches in a year, it's hard for a fucking 12-year-old to figure out how to fucking walk. Oh, my God. That's so pathetic that this guy's going to go fuck your girl again. I'm going to send him out there, and I'm going to make sure he only uses, what's his name, imaginary condoms. Connor, so who is this chick that you almost hooked up with?

You met her outside. What makes you think you were on your way to hooking up with her? What did she say? Was she like, I'm desperate to suck any dick right now. Do you have a dick? Because I'll take it. Because if not, I don't know if you were really that close. Apparently, because she met this guy on just a plane ride over here,

and they just found each other here. Well, if they met on the plane ride over here, then they didn't find each other here, Connor. They weren't planning to meet up here. That was just a coincidence, but they were on the same plane. How do you know all this, Connor? Because that junk fuck says everything on his mind.

Holy shit. That's incredible. Look at his look. That's amazing. Listen to him talk. No, no, Connor. Connor, we don't... Last thing we're going to have you do is hand out the microphone

to other people. It's already bad enough with you holding it. Alright. Wow, this is interesting. So now, have you ever done stand-up comedy before? No, this is my fucking first time on stage. No way. No way.

Whoa, it's the don't ever do it again sound. Whoa. No shit. You don't think I know that? This is our first Kill Tony argument live, by the way. You are the father. I've never heard somebody in the front row tell somebody on stage, you're sucking a huge dick right now.

But the drunk guy is sobering up and firing back out of nowhere. I know. Going from my least favorite audience member to my favorite immediately. You're sucking a huge dick. I've never seen anything like that before. He went to his car and got his book bag to appear more awake. What made you get a backpack, man?

What the fuck? Did you already cut up that chick? I was gonna cut up that chick. I didn't realize you talked on this panel How dare you How dare you I didn't realize that You never will again Absolutely not

Connor what do you do for work What did you do for work I mean I work in a small town In the middle of fucking nowhere Connor, what do you do for work? What did you do for work, I mean? I work in a small town in the middle of fucking nowhere. What, Connor? Did you just lose your last vocal cord right then? Whoa! He just went even one farther.

He said he sucks his father's cock. Which is really hard to make a living doing, by the way. I heard in Germany you can make money doing that. Okay, Connor. Connor, what do you do for work? Why is everybody so ashamed of their jobs out here, by the way? Because you're in Texas. Nobody makes big money out here.

No one has one. Austin runs off like a donation-based economy. No one has jobs here. Connor, what do you do for work? I work for a tool distributor. We sell tools and nails to construction companies. Can anybody hear me? Yeah, yeah, it's good enough. I feel like my voice is like, fuck.

No, it's totally great. It's fine. Now, can you print a new vocal cord nowadays, or Is there any help for you to fix that? What if you're screaming for help? A bunch of ants coming? Help me!

Help me! Nobody will come and I'll probably just wake up with a bloody ass. He's like the character from South Park that has Down Syndrome. Hey, Menzi! and I'll probably just wake up with a bloody ass. He's like the character from South Park that has Down syndrome, you know what I mean? Like, hey, Menzies. You really did it this time, Menzies. You did this time.

I'm going to get you. Oh, shit. That's great. Connor, what do you like to do for fun? Besides podcasting or vocal work. Yeah, I'm looking for voiceover work. All right, back to the original question, Connor. What do I do for work? Yeah, no question, Connor. What do I do for work?

Yeah, no, not that. What do you do for fun? Well, in a small town, there's not really much to do, except for, like, try and not jerk off and not become an alcoholic. Why don't you move? Because I make money there. You know, there's jobs that you can work other places that you make more money at. Yeah, but your best friend's dad doesn't own

the company you work for. So see, you get a little perks, you know. Okay, so first thing you said was... Can I just get off stage? This is not fucking working for anybody. Connor. Connor, you cannot... I am single-handedly gonna break down... Connor, you cannot puss out now.

I'm not gonna puss out. You're in 2D. Puss out immediately. What are you talking about? I just don't want to single-handedly bring down the best one. What did you think was going to happen, by the way, here tonight? When you signed up and put your name in, you're like, I'm just going to fucking riff this shit. I'm going to murder. No, you're not going to riff this shit.

I'm just going to improvise my first comedy set. I know normally people practice and think about it. Tony, you called it when that South Park character did it. I don't think it's ever been done. Riff a first comedy set? Well, no, that's never been done. That's fucking stupid. All right.

Connor. Damn it. I don't know what happened exactly with this one, Connor. Why is this guy still attacking? Okay, you're not... What time is the show over? What? It was over about seven minutes ago

when you got pulled out of the bucket. No, Connor, it's okay. No fighting this guy. Yeah, guys, you don't need to fight. Last thing I want to see is a battle between alcohol and meth. You know what I mean? It's not meth, it's AIDS.

Get it right. Alright, Connor, 0 for 72 tonight. There he goes. Connor Bell. I'm like you in every sport you ever played. Connor Bell, everybody. I love it. You're still bombing. All the way to the finish. Whispering sweet nothings as he leaves the stage. Man, that poor girl.

She was so lucky to leave the fuck out of this place. Can you imagine? She's like, I can't wait to see. Take the back way. Don't walk by that. Oh, they're shaking. They're shaking. Oh, he ignored his hand.

Oh, man. Right when you least expect it, Connor Bell does something impressive. Just completely left that guy fucking hanging. I love that. He tried to shake the hand, and then Connor wouldn't do it. Right.

And that girl's somewhere like a Chili's telling her friends. Totally. If I was Connor, I totally would have shaken that guy's hand just so that I could maybe smell that girl's pussy who you didn't get to hook up with earlier. Or at least the smell of a good old L.L. Bean backpack. You know what I mean?

One or the other. Okay, this looks interesting. Kill Tony has a proven reputation for having amazing Asian comedians on this show. And if this person is an Asian, then I'd be shocked. Put your hands together for Ty Nguyen, everybody. Ty Nguyen. T-A-I

or J-N-G-U-Y-E-N. Here he fucking comes, everybody. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Have anybody here seen the movie, The Fart in Our Stars?

Anybody? Yeah. Well, that movie, right, there's a guy guy and he treats this girl like she walks on water just because she has cancer. I bet you he wouldn't treat her the same if she had chlamydia. See, cancer

is the unexpected disease you will want over all the other unexpected disease. Cause with cancer, you're the victim. With any other disease, you're the perpetrator. Let's just say you have HIV. Don't you get for buying condoms at Goodwill? Or let's just say you have Ham Boy. Don't you get for dining at Taco Bell instead of Chipotle? You should have got the guacamole. That's lubricant for the anal canal.

Ty Wynn, ladies and gentlemen. Come on! Holy fucking shit. Unbelievable. Wow. Take your microphone. Ty, am I saying that correctly? Yes.

You are fucking amazing. Awesome, man. You actually did something tonight. Unlike everybody that we've seen so far tonight. No wonder he walks so slow. Because he knew. He was like, I'm going to blow this shit up. I knew it.

And I also knew it when the audience stopped applauding when he was just standing there. And he goes, okay. It's like he didn't give a fuck that they were clapping and welcoming him. He just, are you fucking done? It was amazing. Ty, you're a badass motherfucker. How long have you been doing stand-up?

This is my 51st time. 51st time. You know he's going to do this shit. Anybody that counts this deep in is a fucking serious motherfucker. Now, your accent's very thick. Is that because you live in Texas and everyone else around you is going

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and so you don't really learn proper English? I'm from Vietnam. Right. How long, though? How long have you been out here? About 20 years. So, yeah, so it is you've lived in Texas for 20 years and you

haven't learned the proper English skills. You're from Vietnam originally and you've survived in Texas for 20 years? Yes. That's fucking amazing. Do you have any sisters? You never get, like, you're never just out there, you know, riding around or something and people

are like, oh, there's one. Nothing like that. You've never been, like, shot at or anything from people that just can't give it up about that old, you know, there was like a little thing between Vietnam and Texas. And Texas. Vietnam versus Texas. Country Texas. One of the great battles of all time.

Wow, that's so interesting. How'd you end up in Texas? My dad, who was in the Vietnam War, so that's how we got to America. Which side was he on? Okay. I don't think Alright, I don't think we Oh, there's a dog

There's a dog, everybody Ty, you're so serious Well, no, he was having a flashback. Oh, wow. That's fucking amazing. Your 51st time. So how aggressively have you been doing it? Is this your 51st time in a couple years or like tonight?

Started in June. Fuck yeah, man. You're there. You're on pace. You're doing it So you're doing a few spots a week All here in Austin, Texas Yeah I only do it here in Austin Yeah yeah yeah

What do you do for work? I work at a company That's like At the forefront of technology At the forefront of technology Wow Wow How about that?

Are you talking AOL? Yeah I feel like it's even Worse than that I feel like it's even worse than that. I feel like it's like the Magic 8-Ball or something like that. Like, we are at the forefront. No, those blowing up hoverboards, right? What's the forefront?

What are we talking about here? We have this device called Microcell. Have you heard of it? Yes. Microcell. Yeah. It's it? Yes. Microcell. Yeah. It's a cell phone tower that you can put in your house using Wi-Fi network. Yeah.

It's really cool. Like, if you don't have a good cell phone network in your house, it connects to your Wi-Fi and makes your own little cell phone tower. So you're telling me this is the guy that could have given us a credible Wi-Fi network tonight. Yeah, we got T-Mobile. Instead, we're operating off of your iPhone's hotspot. 50 bucks a month. Wow, that's amazing. So you're making

telephone towers in people's houses and that's a thing now. What do you do for them exactly? You just intimidate the fuck out of people? Like, you must buy. Buy it. It's a great company actually. It's a great company, actually. It's a good technology.

And then finally they're just like, alright, I'll buy one. Because you just keep staring at them all scary and shit. You so far have been the best person tonight. You killed it. Thank you. Thank you. I'm really surprised that you're still here.

Like, you seem like you're very talented, and you should get the fuck out of Austin. Yeah, is there a place to transfer in, like, in L.A. or New York City for you? I have to disagree. Austin has a really good comedy scene. I know. I've been doing it since June

I know you can tell one out of four people have been okay I've never done comedy before okay yeah no it's good yeah I mean totally

you could survive here for a little bit but you're gonna be a fucking monster it's blatant there's nothing that can stop you there's nothing

that can slow you down thank you real Austin comic you're definitely You're definitely something else. Ty Wynn. Nice to meet you. He's on Twitter at Crooked

Plus Beats. Is that right? Crooked T Beats. So follow him on Twitter. That's one of those... We always have diabolical Asians on this show. You know what? Asians are funny.

It's like gay blacks are funny and Asians are funny. Okie dokie. It's true. It's a formula. The comments of Brian Redban are not the comments of the entire Kill Tony podcast. Trust me. You put the two of the entire Kill Tony podcast. Trust me. You put the two together somehow, you got something.

I pulled another name out of the bucket, ladies and gentlemen. And this person goes by the name of Manny Gee. Thank you. Thank you, everybody. So I became a father young because I'm Mexican and everything. At 22, I had my son. At 24, I had my daughter.

And at 26, I had my favorite, vasectomy. Vasectomy is my favorite because that one was planned. You know, when I first decided to get my vasectomy, there was a couple people trying to talk me out of it. My doctor, he tried to talk me out of it. My doctor, he tried to talk me out of it. He's like, son, I'm looking at your chart here, and you're only 26 years old.

You're too young. You shouldn't do this. I was like, doc, your opinion doesn't matter, because this is a vasectomy, not a vasectomy. You. So take your fucking $50 coat, and let's wrap this shit up so I don't have to anymore. I am a dad and it's tough. It is. Especially for me because I have a boy and a girl. I have to make sure I don't raise

a serial killer and a stripper. But that's going to be tough because my son is a fantastic dancer. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Manny G, right? Yeah. Manny G.

Hell yeah. Great, great, great stuff. You've been a comedian here in Austin for a few years. I'm in San Antonio, and it's only been eight months. Eight months. Fuck yeah. Another one. Holy shit.

You're going to be a monster. Thank you. Thank you. Another one. Manny G. I love that. Eight months. Fuck yeah. You should make to be a monster. Thank you. Another one. Manny G. I love that. Eight months. Fuck yeah.

You should make friends with Ty Wynn. You guys could go start. No, you guys should. No, seriously. I'm going to get together with him after the show. That's how you do it. You got to make friends that are near your level. Oh, yeah, for sure.

I'll hit him up after the show. Perfect. Manny G. So what's your story, man? You have two kids, a son and a daughter. Actually, I'm from California, and we just moved out of San Antonio about a year and a half ago. What made your story, man? You have two kids, a son and a daughter. Actually, I'm from California and we just moved out to San Antonio about a year and a half ago. What made you move to San Antonio?

The boat regatta? It's cheaper. It's way cheaper. I can get a job pretty easy. What do you do for work? I'm a machinist. Nice. What kind of machines are we talking about? Really skinny. Lathe and mills and stuff like that.

No. Mills? I got that. Yeah, mills, it's boring. Yeah. That's interesting. Do you miss California? Because, like, you know, being in Austin, I just look around and I'm like, dude.

Yeah, I do. I do. Especially around the holidays, I do miss California. Yeah. It's cold in L.A. right now. Really? It's freezing. It's horrible.

It's much better here. Yeah. I miss it out there. Glad to be here. Yeah. Manny, so what do you like to do for fun? Do you ever sneak out? How old are your kids?

My son is 12 and my daughter is 10. Right. So it's been like 12 years, basically 12 and a half years of just continuous fucking work. You work and then you have to take care of the kids. Yeah. The only reason I started doing comedy is because after we moved out to San Antonio, my wife wanted to get a divorce. So I got really bummed out.

And the comedy club is right down the street from where I live, so they had an open mic, and I just started talking shit about her. Good for you. So wait, you moved all the way from L.A. to San Antonio, and then she wants to get a divorce. Yeah. Fuck her. Nah, dude, it's cool now she wants to get a divorce. Yeah. Fuck her. No, dude, it's cool now. Ever since I started doing comedy, things got better. I think it was a lot me.

I was depressed just going to work and coming home. It fucking sucked. Totally. So once I started going and doing this, and I got my confidence back, it was cool. That's great, man. That's great. So did the divorce go through and everything? No, we're together.

We're happily together. Wow, look at that. Fuck yeah. Spoiler alert. What the fuck? That was the real M. Night Shyamalan path you took us on there for a bit. The wife and I split up. I found stand-up comedy

and my life is good now. Oh yeah, and nothing changed with my wife. Ha ha ha. My life is good now. Oh yeah, and nothing changed with my wife. So that's interesting. Well, the first five minutes I had were just all wife jokes, talking shit about her and stuff. But once things got better, I couldn't do them anymore.

So did they really give you a vasectomy? Did you really do that? Oh yeah, yeah. How was that? What was that like? It was fucking great. Yeah, so now you can just blow away and nothing will happen. Is it true that you're

awake when it happens? Yeah, I was 100% awake. Get the fuck out of here. Is it true that you can smell burning hair? It smells like burning hair. Is it true that you can smell your balls burn?

They burn the tubes and it smells like burning hair. You could see the smoke and everything. Get the fuck out of here. I would pass out immediately. No, you could feel it. It feels it's not pain, but it feels like someone's like pulling your guts out of your stomach. Oh, God. It's a crazy feeling.

It's not. It's more like uncomfortable. Oh, shit. But the whole time you're just thinking of like wow i can do anything now i'm pretty much yeah i'm never uh when it was all over he just put a band-aid on my nutsack right yeah it's painful but not as painful as raising a child so it's you know that could be tough yeah it's all worth it in the end i love that so like but i guess like stuff still comes out of you but it's just not potent.

It's still semen. Does it still taste the same? I don't know. I didn't ask my wife. No, it's semen, but there's no sperm in it. That's the difference. So like, is it just like the white and the yolk? It's still white and fluffy and everything.

What the fuck? Yeah. What is it? Like, does it look the same? It looks the exact same. Same viscosity and everything. And you can like put it in your fingers and roll it around into a ball? It's the same shit, dude.

Really? The same all the way? Same all the way. It's just not... Roll it into a ball? What? You can't do that. I was kidding.

Ashley's like, I've tried so hard to do that, and I've never been able to... She's like... Oh, okay. Brian, what the fuck was that kind of weird baby deer noise like you were making it a ball in your mouth oh I thought you meant

ball it up in your hands so that's interesting Manny G so now you can just do you ever take advantage of that like do you ever just like you never pull out anymore when you're with your wife. That's like a super joke. Well, that vasectomy bit is a lot longer

and I talk about pulling out. No. Not even an option. That's stupid. That'd be insane. That'd be the biggest waste ever. Yeah, I paid $50 for it. I love that you only paid $50 for this vasectomy, by the way.

Something doesn't sound right. Like, I get the feeling you might have a third kid on the way soon. $50 sounds a little cheap. I mean, where'd you get it? The same place that this guy bought this ashtray?

Like, was this at, like, some... Okay, we're losing the audience somehow. Something happened in the past five minutes where they're fading away quickly. Manny, tell us something else. What do you do to sneak out and have fun? Did you answer that?

No. What do you do other than stand-up comedy to take your mind off of fucking everything? Like, is there some crazy place you go to? I just smoke weed. Do you have any weed? Because me and Tony and Ashley are completely sober. Who has pot on them here tonight

by the way? There's a lot of weed. We need to get smoked out if possible after this show. Just kidding if there's any police officers in the audience. We're not going to be right out there smoking in between shows. Oh,

one of the jokes that we do. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Anyway, Manny, fucking killer, killer stuff. Thank you. Absolutely awesome. So nice to meet you, and congrats on everything. Really good, man. Thank you, man.

Make friends with Ty, and don't stop. Huh? Hey. I know, right? You know what's crazy is that he actually sounds like he's from LA. He sounds like George Perez his voice.

I just pulled Connor Bell out of the bucket. Remember that? Doof ball. I love this. A little pussy audience. Remember Connor that disintegrated three seconds into his set? You guys feel bad for that? Alright. He's one of us.

Al Doggy style. Is that somebody? Did we already try that? Al Doggy style. I always love it when it comes from the very back of the room. You got to keep on moving. Make my side. Come on, Austin. Keep the energy up. Hello, everybody.

I'm from Mexico. And I sometimes feel like Donald Trump's Logan. I do have an anchor baby. I'm a wanting criminal in my country. And I crossed the border illegally. The only thing I haven't done is that I'm not a rapist. But the night is young, right? Right, Ben?

I saw a blonde. My wife pussy smells really bad. But again, I'm Mexican, so it's okay. I have a baby, eight month old and so I have to clean my cell phone every time that I jizz on it because she plays with it

I also have to Al Doggy Style Holy shit I don't even know where to begin with you Al That's very amazing So your wife's pussy smells, huh? Doggy style. Holy shit. I don't even know where to begin with you, Al. That's very amazing. So your wife's pussy smells, huh? Really bad.

Really? Why would you marry this girl? Oh, no. I've known her since like 13 years ago. And when she was 14, her pussy smells real good. I tell you, you know the number one reason for a woman's pussy smelling really bad, besides yeast infections, is old cum that's already been in the vagina. Oh, okay. No, really.

Like, cum, after like six hours, if it's still wet, it starts smelling like rotten eggs. Brian! I need to talk to her dad then. Yeah. There you go Al's got that awesome improv He's also hanging out with a guy in the corner

that looks like Ari Shafir everybody I know Can we get fake Ari Shafir to come up here real quick No it's okay He's a local tattoo artist so kudos to Daniel Santiago. Also known as Maris Yahoo, everybody.

There he is. When I saw him, I was like, this is Ari Shafir. He's wearing makeup, so I don't realize that it's him. There's some undercover camera show going on. Does Ari Shafir have a big dick? No, huge balls, but he tapes them together with a rubber band or something like that, so it works. Then maybe he's a Siamese because he's got a huge cock. Oh, really?

How do you know this, Al? I've known him since 13 years ago. I mean, does it feel big or does it look big? What does it smell like, Al? You know those RCA remote controls, those 90s? Kind of like that. Okie dokie. Al, what do you do for work?

How long have you been doing stand-up? Oh, this is my first time ever. Wow, there it is. Where's your siren of virginity? Let's do this one. Okay. Fuck yeah. The cherry popper scene.

Hell yeah. The goose is loose. Ow, that's so fun. Have you wanted to do stand-up for a long time, and, like, you only have 60 seconds, or do you have more? What's the story? I'm going to be honest. I started listening seriously to stand-up

since I started the Joe Rogan podcast, and that sent me to Joey Diaz, and that sent me to Kill Tony. And then like that. I'm listening to a lot of shit. Doug smoking. I don't really know. I'm nervous. I'm really nervous.

I'm sorry. But yeah, you guys do a great job, man. You are inspiring a lot of us to do our shit, so we really appreciate it. I love that. That's so cool. Al, what do you do for work? It's, how do you say it, upholstery? Upholstery?

So I can give you a chair and you can make it look cool again. Upholstery, yeah. I do automotive upholstery. Oh, interesting. I live in Odessa, Texas, and I came all the way here to see you guys. Wow, that's amazing. That's very impressive. I have no idea.

Odessa could be 10 minutes down the street, and I wouldn't know any different. It's across the street. All the way from Odessa. That's fun. So you reupholster cars. So basically, like, when you accidentally

shoot somebody in your car, you take it to somebody like you, get rid of all those blood stains. Have you ever had some shady shiko down at work? You see like brains and stuff? No, but the shop that I have worked off, we took a headliner and a lot of heroin came from the top of it once.

And we had to call the guy and he went like, oh, sorry. A lot of heroin came from the top of it once. And we had to call the guy. And he went like, oh, sorry. Well, actually, it was like, perdón. Because he was Mexican. Yeah. Hey, man, for your first time, you had one of the best sets that you could possibly have for your first time.

Like, really. It's really hard. I mean, I wouldn't have thought that was your first time. It's really hard. I mean, I wouldn't have thought that was your first time. You need to stick to it if you want to do it. And clearly all original material. Even though you look like the Fat Chew, you definitely don't perform like him.

For the ten of you that know that reference. Why does everyone have long hair out here? Have you noticed that? Everybody has long hair. Long hair in a truck. We do things differently out here. This is Austin. It's just surrounded by Texas. Wow.

Not surrounded by scissors at all. You can tell she has a law degree from the University of Texas by the way she's been defending her state here on this show tonight. Ashley Barnhill, everybody. Really making sure we don't make fun of the place we are. No. Because we don't do that everywhere else we go, including our home

state of Ohio two weeks ago. Austin's definitely the second place I would live. As soon as I want to live out, I'll move to Austin. It's on a short list for me. Nashville, Denver, Austin. Fuck Nashville. Fuck Nashville. Have you looked at the crime rate of Nashville?

You keep saying that, Brian, but it is one thing that you read. It's like 18 times worse than L.A. That was one article, and it's not true. No, it's the actual facts taken from the police and shootings and murders. That's actually

not true at all. Oh, you want to make a bet? Hundreds of lists that have... You want to make a bet? If you want to make a bet, I'll easily... I mean, you'll find your one internet article that you read. No, no, no. You can look up any city is the most dangerous city and you'll find one sad blog about it.

We've already done this. How dangerous is Nashville? Brian, you can save the energy and momentum of the show right now. It's not really worth it to prove me right. So, Al Doggy style. What else is happening? What's up with your name, by the way?

I think I fucked up writing it down. My name is Aldo Garcia. But my Twitter handle is Aldoggy style. Wait, Twitter? Twitter? You have to learn how to say these things. English is not my first language. Twitter and upholstery.

Upholstery is your occupation, so that one's sort of important. Now, is the Mexican out here different than the Mexican from L.A.? That's a question that I've been wondering, because it seems like the Mexican in L.A., they don't have any waist. It's just like Spongebob Squarepants.

But the Mexicans out here seem like they actually have waist. Okie dokie. Their pussies smell. I think we lost Brian, everybody. Tuned out some point before saying Nashville is one of the most dangerous cities

in the country. It is. Definitely not. Still not. It's just a fact. It is one of the most dangerous cities in the country. It is. Definitely not. Still not. It's just a fact. It's one of those moments in a show where you just start saying facts that you know nothing about. There's literally 150 cities more dangerous than Nashville. I talked to the band Honey Honey

who told me that. They told me it was a horrible fucking... Sounds like somebody can't get a gig in Nashville right now. Aldo... what is it? Garcia. Oh, you say that so Latino. Garcia. Garcia.

That's your weak point. I love that. And what's your... So you're married. Your wife's pussy really smells. Yeah, man. You're sticking to that, huh? She doesn't listen to podcasts, does she?

I mean, my dick is not that good, too, so. Right, exactly. Not so good. How is your dick not so good? It's got that white thing around it every now and then. Oh, ringworm. Yeah, when you take a piss, you can smell it all the way up here, so. No, that's from her pussy.

It's from her pussy? That's her pussy. That's what I told the bitch. Dude, yeah. Okay. here. That's from her pussy. That's her pussy. That's what I told the bitch. You two need to after the show have some kind of dirty off or something. Make her eat yogurt. She has a yeast infection.

Cranberry juice. Dude, take Vagisil which is supposed to be shoved inside her pussy. Use it to masturbate. Brian, Brian, Brian. Use Vagisil to masturbate. Use Vagisil to masturbate. No, no, use Vagisil to masturbate. It's a slower stroke. Stop having your wife sit on the tortillas in the kitchen.

Aldo, so nice to meet you. Congrats. Great first time. Aldo Garcia, everybody. Gracias. Keep it bumping. Let's keep it bumping. First time.

That's a great first time. Let's blow through. We're going to go extra fast to finish this up. Put your hands together for Michael Vargas, everybody. Here we go. Whoa! He's got a girlfriend. You can hear her.

Here he comes, taking the slow walk. Everybody that signed up sat as far away from this stage as possible. It's all that Frito pie. Here he is. There he goes. What's up?

Hey. So, you know when you're a little kid and your parents aren't home, so you go look for your Christmas presents? And then you go in your mom's sock drawer and you find a dildo? And then on Christmas morning, you're super bummed out when you open up a Nintendo 64. But, uh, yeah. So, I got a baby sister.

She's, uh, 16 years old. And I recently found out she got on birth control pills, which, uh, most older brothers would be concerned. But not me. I'm just super relieved we don't have to use condoms anymore. But, yeah. So a lot of people think different things happen to you when you die. Like you go to heaven or hell or bugs eat you. What I like to think happens is I'll be reincarnated.

And I'll come back as a bottle of Jack Daniels or some cocaine then maybe my dad would still want me and also I'd get to be inside of him for once boom exactly a minute obviously obviously we found a local dragon slayer here everybody

yeah Mexican Billy Bonnell. Hell yeah. He went, you know, he went and he put away the keytar, put on a ball cap, and came out guns a-blazin' this time. Michael Vargas. Fuck yeah. You've been doing this a few years here in Austin, right? No, I'm from Houston, Texas.

This is like the fifth or sixth time I've done this. Whoa. Holy shit. You have a cheering section. That's like the fifth or sixth time I've done this. Whoa, holy shit. You have a cheering section. That's amazing. That's my wife. I love that. Oh, that's all your wife, huh?

My wife and my two buddies. I love that. Michael, so cool. How far away is Houston, Texas? Oh, Houston, Texas. Houston, Texas. It's like two hours down the road from here. Gotcha. No, I understand now.

Wait, Houston? Yeah, Houston. What part of Houston? Like northwest Houston. It's a big port. Not too far from like downtown area. That's one of the most dangerous cities in the universe. No, no, there's an article on the internet that says it.

There's one article. Y'all need to come to Houston and do a Kill Tony, man. What's that? Y'all need to come to Houston and do a Kill Tony, man. What's that? Y'all need to come to Houston and do a Kill Tony. We did a live podcast in Houston. We did it last time, but the problem with Houston is the best comedy club that they had that Houston Lapstop shut down.

Now there's this comedy, the improv there is ghetto. And you almost called it gay, too. I love that. Stop calling it gay to call it ghetto. It's totally homo ghetto. So if you have a lot of money, go build an awesome comedy club in fucking Houston. I'll say it.

I'll say fucking awesome. They're working on one right now. Are they? Yeah. Oh, that's great. Yeah, you guys need one. That's going to be good for you, Michael. How long have you been doing it there?

This is like my fifth or sixth time. Really? I started in like September and I did it like a few times that month and then I stopped. You have a real knack for it. Thank you. I appreciate it. Do you know Billy by now? No, I don't. You look like him. You both have very round features. And you talk like him.

And you talk like him. You're both super round. You're both built like snowmen. That's my half Mexican side and all the beer I drink. Mexicans just have big ass heads. Yeah're both super round. You're both built like snowmen. That's my half Mexican side and all the beer I drink. Mexicans just have big ass heads. Yeah, I love that. We've had a few on tonight. What kind of Mexican are you? Like the whitest kind?

Middle Mexico? Sounds like he's the kind that doesn't have his green card. I have no idea. I don't know. I'm the whitest kind. No need to check my papers I'm half white My mom's white, my dad's Mexican That's an interesting one

She started fucking the gardener Really? When she was 15 He must have gave her flowers That's how it happens She's a sweet lady Your dad's super Mexican, right? He barely speaks Spanish But he's super white too.

He barely speaks Spanish, but he's technically Mexican like everybody in Texas. What does he do for work? I don't know. I haven't seen him in like six years. Ah, interesting. That last joke was a little true, right? Well, that's why you're funny. None of us really have dads in our lives.

I'm sure Ty Wynn doesn't have a father either. In a good way, because he's so funny. All right. All of a sudden, you're just going to see a bullet go through the middle of my forehead, guys. Just know that it was Ty. Michael, we've got to fly through this, because we're getting towards the end of the show. We love you, Michael.

Good job. Awesome. Thank you, guys. I appreciate it. He's on Twitter, MikeyAV87. That's M-I-K-E-Y-A-V-8-7. Pulled another name out of the bucket. We're going super fast. Put your hands together for Ash Stoker. Ash Stoker. All right.

Thank you, Austin. I'm a U.S. Army veteran. Well, and being a veteran, you often get in situations, like most veterans know, where people want to, you know, thank you for your service. It happens to me a lot, and I try to be humble about it. The conversation usually starts when I walk up to somebody and go, you're welcome. But no, no, seriously, being a veteran, there's some veteran issues that concern me, and one of those is, you know,

you see a lot of homeless veterans, and it makes me wish that the military would just quit recruiting homeless people. You know, hell, they make terrible soldiers, they're malnourished for one, and they salute the wrong way. No, it's up here, not down there. But I know this for a fact The military does a good thing about When they're discharged They give them a really nice Folded up piece of cardboard That way they can write their credits on it And we throw in a PTSD syndrome

Thank you Fuck yeah Stoker, an American hero That's the kind of fucking voice I was expecting Fuck yeah, Ash Stoker, an American hero. That's the kind of fucking voice I was expecting when I found out we were doing a Kill Tony in Austin, Texas. And then finally I get to hear it. You know, I'm up here, you know, we're doing our thing, and I'm a fucking American hero.

I already killed Ty Wynn about ten minutes ago. Choked him out in the back of the room I said We win this time bitch I got an oil refinery in my ass What? Actually I'm from Midland, Texas

Gentleman that was up here Gentleman, look how polite you are You really are I drove about 5 hours to get here. I'm a big fan. I feel like if you... Wow. Thank you. That's amazing. You know, you really are an

American hero if you drove five hours for this show. I mean, the whole army thing, you didn't even have to do that. You would have had my respect the same. So, Ash, that's crazy. You go overseas at all? Not anymore, but yeah, I've spent some time overseas. Where'd you go? Iraq.

Yeah. Fuck, that must have been crazy, huh? Yeah. It was like Disneyland. Are you trying to not say sand-enwards right now? Is that what's going on? Oh, there it is. Got it. What did you, what was like your main role? Just fucking cold-blooded fucking killer, huh? Oh, there it is.

What was your main role? Just a fucking cold-blooded fucking killer, huh? No, I was a civilian affairs specialist. We were supposed to be the civilian liaison between the Iraqi populace and the military. So you just helped with Netflix passwords. Yeah, more or less, yeah. We did a lot. You need to put a capital letter at the time.

That's so fun. So, Ash, you said you drove five hours. What's the name of the place you came from? Midland, Texas. What goes on out there? Well, it's our late, great president, George Bush. He grew up there.

Wow. Wow. Wow, there's still a George Bush. He grew up there. Wow. Wow, there's still a George Bush fan over there. Single Bush fan. Fuck yeah. He wasn't as loved in Austin as much. I think he's adorable. When you were out there blistering in 140 degree Iraqi heat, were you as proud of

George Bush as the rest of the people in your hometown? I've got about four minutes and I've got some stuff on that. It's got to be a little bit contradictory because you're from his hometown and then all of a sudden you're fucking... Juxtaposition. Definitely. That's sort of an understatement

but I love that. Ash, so what do you do for work now? I work in the oil and gas industry. Oh, very good. So you're making some fucking money. Well, you know, if y'all notice, the oil's down a little bit. I love that voice, man. I feel like he's going to bust out an acoustic guitar any second.

And by the way, I have a song for all of you here. I don't know much, but I know I love you. Yeah, a little cover song. Just a little cover. Ash, do little cover song. Just like that. Just a little cover. Ash, do you play guitar? No, sir. Really?

You don't? It's so respectful. Everyone's so respectful. I feel like you still have an acoustic guitar though, but it just has a machine gun attached to the side of it and you just turn it and fucking fire it off. Oh, you Iraqi soldiers want to hear a little tune?

Here, sit around the fire here. Come on over. No, Habib, come on over. I want to play you a song, Habib. Come on. I want you to shimmy to the sounds of my acoustic. Little gentlemanly song. Ash, we love you.

We're in a hurry. Ash Stoker got up. We got up, we got up, we got up. All right, let's do one more. Put your hands together for Isaac Eubank, everybody. Here we go. We're almost there. And then the stand-up show. I'm mixed.

And my ex, she's white. So my kids, they enjoy the full advantages of white privilege. Like getting to ride in the front of the short bus. Not my mulatto ass. They threw me in the middle next to a kid in the wheelchair. It was messed up because he was a bully. He used to like to run over my feet. He thought that shit was funny.

I mean, he's the reason why I got all these fucking tattoos. But I'm just kidding, folks. I don't let my kids ride the fucking short bus. Come on. I make those retards ride their bikes to school. I've been working out with them lately, but I can kind of be a dick. I bark out orders like, straighten your backs out you little faggot, you call that a push up? How do you expect a girl to be a man when you work out like a little girl?

You know, I know that's harsh here, we're talking about little kids here. But I'd be damned if I raised a victim. You got kids on the internet killing themselves over cyberbullying and fat shaming. What kind of pussy shit is that? My kids would never do something that weak. If my kids ever killed themselves, it'd be over something manly like lack of dad's approval. Thank you. Exactly one minute from Isaac Eubank.

Fuck yeah. Thank you. I like minute from Isaac Eubank. Fuck yeah. Thank you. I like your style, man. You look like Drake if he gave up or something like that. I've never seen you without the hood on. No, you said faggot. You say retard. You're totally politically correct.

Yeah. Which I love. I figure if I raise my kids that way, if I give it to them, they're not going to be shocked when they're in school and cry like little bitches. That's true. They're going to be all-out bullies. You're right. They're definitely not going to be shocked because other kids will be shocked

at your kids calling them faggots. I love that. How many kids do you have? Two boys. God damn, there's two boys. What nationality are you, Isaac? I'm white, black, Hispanic, Native American. Holy shit. Wow, you are everything.

You must have a lot of self-hatred. You just must want to... I love it, man. I call it the perfect blend. I kind of feel like a racial superman sometimes. He's like a comedian nest. Both of his kids are going to create amazing comics from bullying a bunch of people. Isaac, what do you do for work? I actually own my own online retail business.

That's where I got that. I was shopping for that. Oh, this is from you. Oh, yeah. Isaac Eubank. Well, thank you so much for the ashtray. It's an awesome ashtray. Fuck, yeah. Well, we're flying. Oh, yeah. Isaac Eubank. Well, thank you so much for the ashtray. It's an awesome ashtray. Fuck, yeah.

Well, we're flying through it, Isaac. We're at the end of the show just squeezing people up. He's on Twitter at Isaac Eubank, Isaac Eubank, Isaac Eubank. What do we do? Finish it? All right. Let's do one last one, and then we got to go. All right?

Period's good for Sam Flash, everybody. Sam Flash, Sam Flash, Sam Flash. Here he comes. Fuck yeah. Here he is. Watch the cord. Oh shit, he did it. Well, my name is Sam Flash and I've heard it all. Hey man, are you Flash? Jumping Jack Flash. He's a gas, gas,

gas, you know. But I'm a grown ass man, so it's cool. Anyway, I went to my doctor last week and she told me I was bipolar so I told her to go fuck herself! And if you didn't know I'm an internet meme. If you google Bill Cosby cosplay or 2015 most offensive Halloween costumes, I'm number one. And my Bill Cosby impression used to be cool because I could be like,

you know, hey Rudy, Theo, old jello jiggly dog. But now it's like, hey, you can date anybody you want. All you got to do is take them to your favorite bar or whatever, pop a molly in their drink, mix it around when in the bathroom, of course. And when they come back, and it's all getting a little tipsy, take them home, whip out your pudding pop,

stick it in their jello jiggler, and be like, Oh, Rudy! Fuck yeah. You are the funniest member of the Fugees. Sam Flash, everybody. There he goes. We gotta fly through it. Let's do one last one.

We're gonna do one last one. This young lady has actually done the show before in Los Angeles. She was amazing. She killed it. She's gonna be the last comedian to go up tonight. She's our only female to go up tonight, giving a little power to this show, some equality.

Put your hands together for the great Zara June, everybody. Here she is. I'm fast to that, Mike. Hey, everybody. How you doing? Life's like a box of chocolates, right? Yeah. It's a thoughtless, generic gift that nobody really wants. But when you get it, you have to pretend that you're grateful for it. It's cheap. You can get it anywhere. This metaphor goes on for a long time. Life is like a box of chocolates. All my choices are driven by my hatred of coconut.

Dating's hard, right? Right, everybody? Chivalry's dead. I went out with this guy the other night. We went back to his place, and then he wanted to get it on, like, immediately, and I was like, um, whatever happened to romance? You know what I mean?

Like, what about shitting on my chest a little first? Like, where are your manners? Ladies, uh, you ever have sex with a guy who just didn't know where to put his balls? It's like, I have an anus. It's right there. Ladies, you ever wrap your clit around a guy And he's like, oh my god, what? And you're like, I have a clit, get used to it You know what I'm saying?

Like, I'm done for now Did it again, Zara June Zara June is on Twitter And hey, Zara June, S-A-R-A Zara, you did it again We've had you on the show before In Los Angeles. It was only two weeks ago.

I know, you did great. What a small world. It felt like so long. Yeah, what a small show. So happy to see you guys. So good news for you, Sara. You're going to open up the second show for us. Congratulations on that.

And also doing a five minute spot on the stand-up show that immediately follows this show with a little break in between and whoever smokes us out in the side patio. When does the show start? 10.30? Yeah, 10.30 is that show. So everybody will have 10. Yeah, exactly.

Anyway, and also doing five minutes. Shocker. Spoiler. We all have to doing five minutes, shocker, spoiler, we all have to see five more minutes of Ty Wynn tonight. Yeah. He's on Twitter at CrookedTB. He's going to be opening up the Death Squad show.

Sarah June with another five minutes coming up. Thank you so much. Sarah, there she goes. She's on Twitter at HeySarahJune. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Ryan J. E. Belt, everybody. And tonight's drawing. This is the most amazing fucking part of the show when we show you that he drew every single thing that happened in great detail.

This print's going to be available for you guys to buy anytime you want after this at RyanJEBelt.com. You have me. You have a giant bear with a cowboy hat because we're in Texas. You have a baby Cupid floating in over a microphone. You have an Austin skyline. You have a very evil cat. Oh my god, that really looks like Ashley Barnhill. That's fucking crazy.

And Brian Redband. All wearing stars and lone stars and Texas shit. Ryan Jebelt did it again. Live from Austin, Texas. We did it. Ashley Barnhill's on Twitter at Ashley underscore Barnhill. Ashley, anything else you want to promote coming up or anything

like that? She's going to be at Caroline's with me in New York City. My first time headlining New York City. First weekend in February. And that's about it. Brian Redband. See you guys. Bye everybody. Thank you guys. Bye, everybody. Thank you.

Good night. Is there any more lessons to be learned? What do you know? I know. Yeah, I know. She don't need to worry about it. She don't need to worry no more. We both know that we can go without it. She don't need to never be in love with you. She don't need no more. Me and you. I love you. I can't have my face without you. I love you.

I love you. I love you. I can't have my face without you. I love you. I love you. I can't have my face without you. I'm going to take over music. Thank you. I'm not going anywhere though. Thank you.