KILL TONY - KILL TONY #138 (AUSTIN)

Episode Date: January 16, 2016

Chris Tellez, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - DATE: 12/27/2016 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, what's up guys? This is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Tony Hinchcliffe's brand new comedy special, his first one, is on Netflix. That's right, Netflix. That's crazy. Check out Tony Hinchcliffe One Shot, recorded live from the Ice House in Pasadena, California. It's right now on Netflix, available for streaming for free. So check it out. Also, don't forget to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com, for all his tour dates and merchandise,

and DeathSquad.tv for everything else Death Squad, including my new podcast, What Brian Redband Do, and Verbal Violence. So check out DeathSquad.tv. Don't forget to subscribe to us on iTunes. You can either subscribe to us on itunes you can either subscribe to kill tony on itunes or you can subscribe to death squad which has all the podcasts that we do here at death squad and last but not least don't forget to check out our tour date calendar by going to death squad dot tv and clicking on tour dates to find out where we are next

and shop squad dot tv for the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Vic coming to you live from Dallas, Texas at Hyenas Comedy Club for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, volume three. Good for Tony. Yeah. You see that? You see how that applause isn't as big as it would have been had we not had those technical issues.

I warn you guys about that. Yeah. We were actually planning an acoustic Tony. That would have been interesting to try. Would have been. Would have been. Seems like we have a hot crowd here. Seems like we had the kind of crowd that was stricken by tornadoes last night.

Nice and quiet. Very staring. Glad to be alive. Not really looking like they're really in the party mood exactly. Looking like they have a lot of shrapnel to pick up at the yards after this. Stuff like that. But I'm so glad you guys made it out. And this episode is in memory and in respect of those who couldn't make it here tonight.

That died in tornadoes yesterday. Special Dallas episode. Okay, I don't know why that got a laugh. This is in memory of them people. How dare you laugh at those poor souls? Okay, it's already creepy as fuck in this room. That's exactly how I like it, motherfuckers. You're gonna challenge me? I like it that way. We're gonna have fun. This is not streaming live right now due to, on top of all the other technical issues, your Wi-Fi sucks, Dallas. Wow.

Just when you couldn't come through anything else, just when you didn't have an electrical outlet that was grounded, you also don't have Wi-Fi. So you're going to catch this episode once it's uploaded tonight. Yeah. Anyway, we are live to this live audience, that's for sure. That's all that really matters, right, guys? Because, you know, back in the old days,

podcasts were on vinyl records anyway. So here we are. This is going to be exciting. I'm excited. Are you guys excited? Dallas, how much noise can you make at one time? It's like the most mellow, about the most mellow Texas crowd I've ever

seen in my entire life. You know how the show works. A ton of people signed up tonight. Sometimes it's some of the best local comedians in the world. Other times it's people trying stand-up for the very first time. Like anything can happen on this show. Last night in Austin, Texas, for example, there was a keytar player that started off the show.

Just bombing horrendously. I mean, it took him like three minutes to even get on stage. Anything can happen at this show. And so to go over that, and then we talked to everybody after they do 60 seconds, and to bring a little hometown vibe to the show, I decided why not bring on board one of the funniest Texas comedians that there is. I know this guy. I love this guy.

He's originally from, wait for it, Dallas, Texas. And he is back to be a guest on this show. Huge, huge Austin comic right now. Has a weekly show at the Austin Spider House Ballroom where we were last night. Every first Monday of every month called Shits Golden. He's here right now. Has a weekly show at the Austin Spider House Ballroom where we were last night. Every first Monday of every month called Shit's Golden. He's here right now. Put your hands together for your very own Chris Tellez

everybody. Here he comes. Here he is. Chris Tellez live. Live in the flesh. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Alright. Nobody knows who I am in my own fucking city. It hurts.

That's perfect. All of that hurts. That's perfect. A lot of people don't know who I am. I see a lot of podcast fans brought their girlfriends and wives out tonight.

And they are, I can tell they are already miserable. They have these stares that they just can't hide. Like, look at that resting bitch face right over there.

There you go. There's that smile. There you go. There's that smile. There you go. Perk up, baby. Perk up. We're just getting started. You can't be frowning already. So, you know, it's going to be fun.

There's going to be highs and lows. Some people are going to be boring as fuck. Some people are going to be funny. Some people sign up for this show like, I'm going to fucking do this. I'm going to show Dallas that there is a star here and I'm going to do it in 60 seconds. Some people, anyway, they all signed up on neon green sheets of paper. We put it in a special Christmas bag because that's all that we had. And so that's how it works. Comedians, you know, your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty.

Oh, that quiet little kitty. It just never really gets that loud. And say goodbye to your speakers. Because if anybody goes over that time, that means that you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There you go. Okay.

All right. We get it. There's gunshots there. I like the gun. There's definitely gunshots. Jesus, Texas. Somebody just shot the fucking bear. So, you know, it's going to be fun.

This is going to be definitely, you know, you can always tell when there's technical issues before a show that it's going to be one of those fucking raw dog dirty shows where anything can happen. I feel like people are going to cry at some point during this tonight. And it's me. Yeah, maybe. Because I will be being shocked by this pile of electricity.

There is a real pile of cords down there. I guess we didn't really load properly after last night's show, huh? You guys ready to do this thing or fucking what, Dallas, Texas? Here we go. The number one. The number one live podcast in the world. We passed up Doug Love's movies just a few weeks ago as the number one undisputed, undefeated live podcast in the world.

And here we go. I'm going to pull a fucking name out of this bag right now. And then they're going to try their heart out to make you laugh. They're really, really going to try to make you laugh for 60 seconds. Anything can happen. Chris, are you ready? Born ready. Let's do it.

Red band, you ready for this shit? Let's do it. Put your hands together for your first comedian tonight. He goes by the name of Leron Wright. All right. Here we go. How y'all doing? Hello?

Yep. Yeah. Is it on? Is this a joke? Hello? Yep, yeah. Is it on? This is a joke? Oh, shit. Test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test How y'all doing? Thank you. Thanks for responding. I be watching the news a lot.

It's not funny. I watch the news a lot and there's a lot of black people that are getting shot by the cops for reaching for their guns. And it's like so many black people getting shot for reaching for their guns. And it's like so many black people getting shot for reaching for their guns is becoming a stereotype. You know, like black people are like, I love fried chicken, I love grape soda,

and I love reaching for cops' guns. So what? And your point is, it's enjoyable. I live life on the edge. You skydive, I reach for cops' guns. It's ridiculous, man. I even read the police statements. The police statements are ridiculous.

I read one, the one with the Cleveland cop killed that 12-year-old boy. And he said he thought the suspect was 18 years old and 185 pounds. That's it. You can finish that if you want. Was there more? Is that it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead.

Keep going. It's like a fishing story. The kid just gets bigger and bigger every time he tells it. Ha, ha. Yes. Leron Wright, everybody. Boom. Boom.

Leron, that's so funny. How long have you been on stand-up? You got to go into the mic for us because it's still like it goes through the podcast. Oh, okay. I didn't think they cared. A few years? Yeah, a couple years. I like that.

All here in Dallas? Nah, I got here in June. I was at West Texas doing shit. West Texas? Yeah. Where were you doing out. West Texas? Yeah. What were you doing out in West Texas other than reaching for cops' guns? Man, I was digging for oil and doing this shit at night.

I like that. Yeah. In the oil business, huh? Yeah, they laid me off. They did? Yeah. Why? Because I'm not Mexican.

Oh. Hey, what's that supposed to mean? Chris actually got your job. I don't have a job either, man. That's fun. What do you do for work? I lift furniture. You lift it? Yeah, I'm just a big field nigger, man.

I love that. You really are. You didn't even say move furniture. You just said lift it. That's right. Like rich white people are just like, I want to see if you can lift that couch, man. Come on. How high can you lift it? A hundred bucks says you can't lift it over your head.

That's how I get my tips, man. That's so cool. So, yeah, you're talking about black people reaching for guns. That is very topical. That is definitely happening. A lot of times it's not even – it really is. I mean, wow. You would think that, like, you know, hey, there's not a lot of white people doing that.

White people sort of know you don't really reach – oh, there's one on its way right now. Anyway, so, yeah, you're definitely covering something that's super topical. sort of know you don't really reach oh there's one on its way right now uh anyway um so yeah you're definitely covering something that's super topical and uh you know that's happening a lot it's almost shocking sometimes what's crazy to me is they're not even reaching for cops guns they're reaching for like cops pencils and like you know like anything you know i think you can definitely add more on to that and like you know lay it out and stuff because they're not only just reaching for cops guns you know they're really just reaching for anything basically it's gotten to the point to where having your hands in your pockets and

being black is illegal because i've seen so many videos where the cops are like get your fucking hands out of your pockets and then they'll pull their bare hands out of their box and they just pop, pop, pop, pop. Because the cops get so scared that there's a gun there. They don't want to miss a beat, you know. So, you know, it's like basically, you know, maybe the way to do this is because, I don't know, maybe black hands, like it sort of looks like a gun. So maybe Michael Jackson was sort of on to something, so maybe michael jackson was sort of onto something you know maybe no no because that's metal i think i i think we should all we should paint guns pink or something like that i like that pink guns pink guns and maybe there's something that you can add

to that i like your name is lauron yeah thank you yeah that's sort of like Elrond, but ghetto as fuck. Have you ever been on a police ride-along? Or, I mean, have you ever been arrested? I've been arrested, yeah. Really? What have you been arrested for? Not being able to lift the couch high enough? No, no. Lifting somebody else's couch without permission? Couch-related situation.

I had a warrant out for my arrest for expired tags because I didn't go to court. Oh, shit. Expired tags. Pick my ass up, man. Oh, man. That sucks. I was hoping for something a little more dangerous than that. Yeah, me too.

I was expecting, you know, like I think there's a warrant out. Don't go off stereotypes, guys. That's what it's all about. I can't help it. I can't help it. I can't help it. Normally when a black guy is getting arrested for tags, it's because he's tagging like spray paint on something like that. Okay, lost everybody there.

Come on, people. That's so cool. And are you originally from Texas? Yeah. Really? Yeah. West Texas, though. West Texas.

Amarillo. Yeah. What the fuck? Was those Amarillos? That's. West Texas. Amarillo. Yeah. What the fuck? Was those Amarillos? That's not even somebody from Amarillo. That's an actual Amarillo, the animal that just, obviously, it's mating season over there. And you got her real riled up. I love that.

Fuck yeah. Amarillo. What's Amarillo like? Man, it's a bunch of cows Cold You don't seem happy To be here Like

Fucking tight Maybe you should move Like Have you ever thought About moving? Well No I just moved

You've been here since June Yeah yeah What's that like? What's your setup like? What you mean? Like at home? Yeah Ah shit I moved in with my mother You know Oh you got the mom Yeah what's your setup like? What you mean? Like at home? Yeah.

Shit, I moved in with my mother. Oh, you got the mom. Yeah, because I wanted to tell jokes. I love that. Been there. I'll make a sacrifice. Hell yeah. Free rent? No.

She's charging you? We're roommates. Damn. I like that. Wow. You know, one of the best parts of stand-up is being able to bring a girl back to your place and bang her. That's right.

When you get to the door, be like, hey, you're going to have to shut up. My mom's asleep. Yeah. You're going to have to hush it up. So you only have to put the tip in. You only get to put the tip in. Right. Because that won't wake mom up.

I mean, I don't know if you've seen a black penis before, Brian, but the tip is bigger than anything we can put together. And he's an oil driller. That's true. Did you just lay on the ground? And spin?

Wow. Fuck yeah. So, Leron, you've been doing stand-up for a few years now. You're having fun in Dallas? Oh, yeah, man. What's your favorite thing about Dallas? Traffic. The traffic.

You like it. Yeah, it's something different to look at, man. Right. Good radio stations. It's not much traffic. I get around Midland in 20 minutes flat. Midland in 20 minutes. Yeah.

All right. That tells me just about everything I need to know. I have no idea where Midland is. That could be down the street, but I'll take it. Leron, what's your biggest fear? Bears, dude. Bears? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, shit. You're on the wrong show right now, dude. Whoa, whoa. Go back. Settle down. Settle down, bear. Have you ever seen a bear? No, I've seen him on Discovery Channel.

He's like. You're hiding behind the couch. He chased down a deer on the side of a mountain. I was like, there's no way. Yeah. I can't run 40 miles an hour. Yeah, you can't? No.

Oh, well, I'm surprised about that. 38, yeah. Oh, that's so fun. It's not fast enough. LaRon, I'm surprised to hear that it's bears. Like, I mean, I guess I get it. You always change the channel when they come on you know what nah because i'm an adult so i know they're in the tv

hell yeah that's when you talk shit to the bear that's hilarious yeah what's what's your other material do you have uh how much material would you say you have? What's the topics that you cover? Man, it's race and my childhood and shit like that. Rough childhood? Nah, man. I got bullied because I went to an all-white school. You went to an all-white school and you got bullied? In Texas.

I went through puberty last week. What you're seeing now is not what it was Right I see So they were all like hey You're like a black guy Right And they wanted me to rap And play basketball And I was wearing glasses and shit

So you know I couldn't do that Oh shit I let those white people down Right So you don't rap or play basketball Nah so I couldn't do that. Oh, shit. I let those white people down. Right. So you don't rap or play basketball. Nah. No, no.

I love how you say that like, fuck no, man. Never in a million years. No. Well, that makes it official then. You're definitely from Texas. Well, LaRon, it was so nice to meet you. You did great, man. Thanks for coming on the show. Thanks for having me. We'll see you again soon.

Leron Wright, 60 seconds from Leron. He's on Twitter at Wright underscore Leron, W-R-I-G-H-T underscore L-A-R-O-N, Leron. He seems pretty funny. Yeah. And by the way, I guess we forgot to mention that a fun fact is that we're going to pick one of these comedians that you see do 60 Seconds tonight to open the stand-up show and do a longer set to open that when we start that later on tonight. So that's exciting, right? Yeah.

Fuck yeah. Somebody's going to get a little promotion tonight. We did the show last night, and this poor lady, it's a long show. If you buy tickets for this show and then the next show, that's like four or five hours of drinking. Plus Texas equals, I was on my last joke, about to get off stage. The show was about to end, and this poor lady stands up, falls, cracks her head open, and just passes out. Something forward to look to later on in the show, everybody.

Anything can happen. These people love it. Obviously, they're vampires. How did the joke go, though? I couldn't go back. It's like a seven-minute joke. I was like four minutes into it. I had to just bail on that joke and start over with a new joke.

Fuck her. Fucking bitch. I'll tell you a lady that's not going to crack her head right now on the way to the stage because I just pulled her name out of the Christmas bag. Your next comedian goes by the name of Whitney Basarir. Here we go. It's a guy. It might be a guy.

It might be a girl. It's Whitney Bassarere, everybody. Here she is. Sure. How are you all doing? Can everyone hear me? Okay. All right. how are y'all doing can everyone hear me okay all right so i'm here to tell you guys about being a victim of a southern mom 2004 homecoming my date comes to pick me up high as shit my mom is like short and stout talks like this very southern standing on the grass and all, looking down at me and my date with her camera ready to go.

Next thing I know, homegirl is rolling down the hill. Oh, rolling down the hill. My date crumbles to the ground, like can't even breathe. He's dying laughing so hard. And my mom dusts herself off. She goes, wow, what just happened there standing there has no clue what she has just done picks up the camera it is demolished stands there and that's pretty much your story holy shit and then she died 54 seconds from Whitney Basarir everybody come on I love that

Whitney talk into the microphone when we ask you questions you ready did you write down the parts of that story I've never done this before Whitney Basarir's first time right in front of all of you there it is the seal of

somebody's first time. I broke the seal. Whitney, it seems like perhaps maybe you're allergic to the microphone or something like that. Have you never held something in your hand like that? Brian, don't you fucking start. Don't you start immediately. Let's just talk comedy for like 40 seconds. Imagine if it's LaRon.

That's not like LaRon. All right, put a couple of mics together. This is one of LaRon's testicles right here above my head. It's much bigger than that. I could tell. Whitney, that's fucking so adorable. That's your first minute ever on stage, huh? Yes.

No theater background or anything like that no theater background what made you want to start doing stand up comedy I just felt ballsy tonight hello call back to that everybody there it is she saves all her funny stuff for after the 60 seconds

it's a different unorthodox method that we've never really seen before let's go through this because I missed the beginning because one of the biggest first tips is you want to talk into the microphone. It's very important. You were like, which, you know, it's yeah. So I actually did not get any of what you said yeah we have no idea what happened in that entire story but it's great like you said it's ballsy you're plowing through it my very first time on stage I prepared for like two months I knew I was starting at the comedy store and I knew that I had

a three minute set which isn't that much longer than this so I prepped and got ready for three minutes for two months because when I made a debut, I wanted to fucking hit that landing, you know? And I went up there and I completely blanked out two months of preparation. And I could not remember what the fuck I wrote down and I didn't have notes and I blanked out and I just started riffing on how I totally forgot everything that I've been preparing for two months for.

Yeah. I'm definitely in blackout status right now. You're blackout status? Like right now while we're talking? Let me see what this says right here. Let's see if the story makes any sense. First thing it says

is do not talk into microphone. And while LaRon has a huge dick, I bet it does. Okay, Brian. It actually does say that. It does. Brian, let's get off LaRon's dick for a second. I don't want to. It feels so good.

So, yeah, go through what you said. So you were a victim of a Southern mom. Your mom stood up on a hill. She took pictures, and she fell down the hill. You were dating a junkie? Rolled down, yes. Very high, very high date. You were on a date that was very high?

Yes. Stoned off pot? Stoned off marijuana, exactly, yes. Right. Marijuana smoke. Which I love, by the way, let me tell you something. That's acting all weird. Only in Texas is marijuana still even like the devil it really is last night for

example true story we're at the austin spider house ballroom i asked somebody there i'm not gonna name any names because i don't even know the guy's name but anyway i before the show i go uh hey does anybody have any anybody have any fucking pot around here? Like, I just got in town. I don't have any pot. And this guy, who had dreadlocks, by the way, come on now, goes, oh, I don't know what you're talking about. I work here.

I work here. And he just started walking away. I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah. Anyway, he watched Kill Tony because he was working at the club. And immediately after the show before the stand-up show he's like yo dude that was amazing and gave me pot in a handshake yeah but it's like he had to like make sure that i wasn't like the weirdest the funniest undercover

cop ever or something now it came out of his dreadlocks there you go it's like a ped's dispenser oh just let you know when you asked at that time they're not dreadlocks. There you go. It's like a Pez dispenser. Just to let you know, when you asked at that time, they're not dreadlocks, but that guy with the long hair slightly raised his finger. Now, Whitney, something that people commonly think is a safe route and a cool thing is to tell a story. Now, a lot of the people that have laughed at that story before probably know your mom, right?

Yes. Right, exactly. Now, we don't know your mom. So picturing her rolling down a hill, it's sort of like, you know, we're not really, like, in it. You know, we really aren't the horse of truth. There he is. When somebody says something very honest that makes total sense, you will hear that horse. Anyway, we can't picture your mom.

So let's do something. Let's find out more about you. I'm going to ask you a plethora of questions, and you answer them honestly, and we're going to keep digging until we find something that you can really talk about next time you're on stage. You ready? Ready. How old are you? 30.

Where are you from? I grew up here. Did you just growl at me? I mean, I'm from Texas, but I was born in Florida. I love that. Yeah. Are you single right now? I am single.

Right. That's always how people start stand-up comedy. Am I what? Ticklish. Very ticklish. Yeah? Yeah. Brian always knows.

He's got that tickle meter. Do you believe in ghosts? Kind of. Really? This girl's crazy. This girl's crazy? You believe in ghosts? What's the scariest thing that you've seen, ghost-wise?

Ooh, I don't... You believe in ghosts? I do. All right. Go on Halloween. Oh, my God. Go at midnight. As a ghost. To Pl. Go on Halloween. Oh, my God. Go at midnight. As a ghost.

To Planned Parenthood. There we go. Notice there's no ghosts there. There would be so many ghost babies. There would be ghost babies all over the place. You would have to take shovels just to get all the ghost babies out of your face. They got some unfinished business. It's true!

Or, go to a graveyard, find somebody that's wife got murdered, you know, and then they're buried next to each other. Still no ghosts, everybody. We get it, Brian. Okay, Whitney, back to anything relevant. So, how do you normally

Your relationships end? Bad Tell us more, come on Last relationship, what happened? You're not that much different than all these crazy He's got a one before, because the guy's probably Still around No, he's not, tell us the truth

Last relationship, what's so bad about it? How did it end? I broke up with him How did that happen? Hope he's not in the crowd. Might he be in the crowd? Does he do stand-up? No. I broke up with him. How long did you date?

Marijuana? Was it the marijuana? He was smoking marijuana cigarettes. Really? Why? I just gave her a name. Stage 5 Klinger-ish. He was stage 5 Klinger-ish. Oh, he was stage five clingerish. Or you are.

No, more him. He was clingy. Yes. So, like, what was that? Like, you couldn't do anything on your own? Yeah, I'm, like, sweating. It happens, Whitney, I know. There's a lot of sexual tension on the stage.

What? Wait, what? There's a lot of sexual tension on the stage. That nervousness that you feel is excitement. It's an adrenaline rush. What's the most exciting thing that you've done before this? Like skydiving?

I've been around the world. Oh, really? For what? I did that in college. Why? Because I thought it would be cool. Where'd you go? I went to Rollins College in Winter Park, Florida.

Now, where'd you go around the world? No one here went there. No one here went there. I spin the globe. All through Asia, the Middle East, and Europe. Did you hook up with anybody when you were on the other side of the world? Any Asian hookers? No, no Asian hookers, but yes.

Any clingy Filipinos? No, just a guy from Philadelphia. Philadelphia. And he lives here now or you met him in Philly? On the boat that I traveled the world on. Oh, you traveled the world on a boat? Yes. Wow, I didn't know you took a vacation in the 1700s.

You know, they have this wacky thing that they built called an airplane. It's pretty quick. I love that. So you went to Rollins College. What do they specialize in? Is that here in Texas? It is in Florida. It's in Florida.

So you went to school there. Mr. Rogers went to my college. Really? And Elin Woods. Nobody knows who that is. Tiger Woods' wife. Oh, Tiger Woods' wife. Oh, Tiger Woods' wife. Fuck, yeah.

That lucky woman. Yeah. That Tiger Woods wasn't so clingy. No, he was actually. So you don't like clingy guys? Because I feel like I'm pretty clingy. Like, what's clingy to you? Oh, God.

Please let me go. You want to go? Why do you want to go? No, you signed up. How dare you want to go? I've never seen boob sweat go through a sweater before. We can't even tell that you're sweating. It's all in your head and all over your body.

We can't even tell that you're sweating. It's all in your head and all over your body. Do you think it's going to... Do you think you're going to try this again or no? No. Why? That's such a bummer. Why? Tell us why.

Oh, my God. The rolling down the... Come on. I will keep you here this entire fucking show if you don't start answering these goddamn questions, Whitney. Nobody that's listening to this podcast cares how much fucking sweat is coming out of your body right now.

They cannot hear your sweat. It means less than nothing to them. Whitney, what do you do for work? I am a fashion stylist. I love that. Fuck yeah, there you go. Perfect. What are you styling?

Any big designs coming out? Anything like that? Well, I put clothes on people. So looking at Tony, he's definitely dressed way better than my target fashion. He's pretty sharp. He's pretty sharp. Yeah, he dresses better than most gay guys I know. That's true.

What would you recommend for Tony, though? Wait a second. I mean, do you like his fashion, or you don't like his shoes, I can tell? Really? You don't like Onitsuka Tigers? You don't like Japanese women gymnastic shoes? You don't like my shoes? No.

All right, Whitney. Okay, first of all, let me tell you something. Here we go. Here we go. I wasn't going to say anything. It's raining outside. You... Alright, forget it.

So, okay. So you're a fashion designer. How's that going in Texas? It sort of seems like everybody's in L.L. Bean and Death Squad t-shirts. I don't know, is it really... You need a Longhorn shirt. You need a Guadalupe hat.

Keep your hands off my gun. That's a t-shirt that I wear. Pretty well. It's doing well here. You're getting more and more quiet. We're losing it. What the heck? It's a very lucrative market here.

Very lucrative market. Okay. Well, Whitney, I mean, you signed up for the show. You told a little story. And then you started panicking. You started getting scared in this post-interview part. Yes. Didn't know.

Tell us something about yourself that you think only... Tell us something about yourself that you think totally makes you different than other people like tell us something fun like what's a hobby or something that you do or you know something that's different you know what i mean because that's what stand-up comedians talk about that's sort of like you know for example in spanish what is that again white girl that's fluent in spanish oh you're fluent in spanish speak a little bit of Mandarin. Mandarin? Yeah. I like how you said that. That was a very Fargo voice of you. I speak a little

bit of Mandarin. So, your first answer, what sets you apart from anybody else, was that you speak Spanish. I'm sorry to break the news to you, Whitney, but there's a lot of Mexicans out there that speak Spanish. This is true.

This is true. Whitney, I feel like you hate me right now. You signed up for this. I pull your name out, and you're mad at me all of a sudden. Whitney, do you want to do the kissing challenge? It's a new thing on Kill Tiny. It's not a new thing. Brian, you better stop with your craziness.

No, all it does is you have to kiss me and you get off stage immediately. It breaks all the rules. Sounds intriguing, but I think I might pass. All right. I have a question for you. Looks like you've been smoking too many of those. Looks like somebody's been smoking too many of those marijuana cigarettes. Whitney's not into that.

If you want to get... Okay. You have your choice. You can either get high or get down. What were you going to say? I better not say. I was going to ask... Yeah, you better not.

If you're saying that, then you definitely fucking not. No, I was going to ask what her DPD better not. If you're saying that, then you definitely fucking not. I was going to ask what her DPDs were. Don't do it. That's your dad. No, don't even give him the privilege of making that noise, lady. Don't make that noise when Brian says, that's your other podcast. We don't cross these podcasts.

Cross it. No, you don't cross the streams. All right. Whitney. Yes. Tell us one more thing about you. You can tell she's a dad. She's damp all day. I know it. Brian. Yes. Tell us one more thing about you. You can tell. You can tell she's a dad. She's damp all day.

I know it. Brian. Brian. Wrong podcast. Wrong podcast. That's from the other podcast that only like 30 trolls listen to. Whitney, tell us something original about yourself. There's a lot of white girls that speak Spanish.

Come on. Tell us something fucking crazy. As long as he doesn't make it sexual, I can stick my whole fist in my mouth. Mouth. Okay, Whitney. Prove it. Whitney, you just became the frontrunner to open up the second show.

All right, let's see it. Wow. Oh, my God. It's in the... Whitney Bassaril, ladies and gentlemen. You did it. God. Am I done? Whitney Bassaril. There she goes. There she goes. Guys, give it it. God. Am I done?

Whitney Bassaril. There she goes. There she goes. Guys, give it up. That's awesome. She did it. We're going to have to Purell that microphone real quick. No way.

Keep it dirty. Whitney Bassaril. As long as you guys don't make it sexual, I can do something that's only sexual. Don't make it sexual. I can do something that's only sexual. As long as you guys don't make it sexual, I can stick LaRon's dick in my asshole. I like that girl.

Yeah, she's super cool. Super likable. I'm very disappointed to hear that that's her only time that she's ever going to try it. I know. Most people don't say that. Okay. You guys ready for more or what? I told you anything can happen. that's her only time that she's ever going to try it. I know. Most people don't say that. I know. Okay. You guys ready for more or what?

I told you anything can happen. We just had somebody stick their fist in their fucking mouth. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Michael Malan. Here he comes. Michael Malan, everybody. Thank you. You guys remember when you were 10 and you would watch Global Guts

and all the contestants were 13? You thought, I can't wait to be 13 so I can go on Global Guts. And then you were 13, and you thought, what kind of loser goes on Global Guts. And then you were 13, and you thought, what kind of loser goes on Global Guts? I haven't always been a comedian. For a while, I was in construction.

I was a roofer. I was the gayest roofer ever, if you ask the other roofers. I'm not actually gay. I just have respect for women, which gets confused a lot. I remember I was installing a skylight, and the guy I was working with, he said, All right, buddy, just a cunt hair to the left. Did you just say cunt hair? He said, yeah, cunt hair to the left.

Do you mean a little bit to the left? Is that what you're trying to say? And just in a really disgusting way? By the way, that's two inches. You could say an Asian bit to the left? Is that what you're trying to say? And just in a really disgusting way? By the way, that's two inches. You could say an Asian dick to the left, all right? Thank you so much. Fuck yeah, Michael Malan. Am I saying that right, Malan?

It's Malan. Malan. Fuck yeah, Michael. Welcome to the show. I loved you as the bad guy in the new Star Wars movie. Thank you, thank you. I can't believe Han and Leia get together and make a U. Spoiler.

Spoiler alert, everybody. Shit, I didn't even listen to it. If you didn't see the new Star Wars by now, you could just go fuck yourselves anyway. I just did. I just did. You did? Just fuck myself. You look like Buster Poindexter or whatever.

I don't even know who that is. I mean, do you tie mistletoe to the top of your hair? The tip of your hair? Yeah. And kiss yourself or something? What is that? That looks like Whitney Bassarere's bush. What is this cunt hair you talk about?

Were you on Global Guts? Were you on? What is Global Guts? I don't even know what the fuck that is. about? Were you on Global Guts? What is Global Guts? I don't even know what the fuck that is. You don't know what Global Guts is? No. What the hell is Global Guts? I need a new podcast producer immediately. I thought that's where Global Guts is.

How do you not know who Global Guts is? What the fuck is Global Guts? The greatest thing ever, Michael Malley. Who's Michael Malley? Is that the one with the aggro, Craig? Aggro Craig? Definitely. I thought he was going to pull a piece out of his pocket I love global guts

It's the same as guts Except it was global It was like American guts Except instead of like The red team versus What was the girl's name? Is this like Nickelodeon shit or something? Yeah, Nickelodeon

I'm sorry I'm a lot older than you And that show is on for two years is the girl's name? Wait, is this like Nickelodeon shit or something? Yeah, yeah. Nickelodeon. It was amazing. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I'm a lot older than you, and that show was on for two years. So I'm sorry I didn't get your little fucking reference from 1998 to 99. You just made a Buster Poindexter reference. Way more relatable because he's still alive. Let's just yell over each other instead of doing jokes. Anyway, Buster, let's talk some more.

Michael, what do you do for work? I make candles. I'm a candle maker, yeah. Whoa. Do you have wooden shoes on? You do. He looks like he can get away with it. He's like, you're an attractive guy.

You got some style and you're making candles. I bet you get laid somehow doing that. You must get a lot. I cannot do that. If I was a candle maker, people would feel sorry for me. You must get so, so, so, so, so much dick. Oh, yeah. No, really, though.

You must get a lot of pussy. What's that like? No, it's great. I get a lot of one pussy. A lot of one pussy. So you're in a relationship. Yeah, I am. How long has that been going on for?

Five years. How long have you been making candles? Three months. Three months. Yes, fairly new to the game. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. Just fucking learning wax on, wax off shit.

So the hairstyle, what are we thinking here? Is that a new thing? You want to hear a bad joke? Are you trying to get your girlfriend to break up with you? Oh, yeah. You over it after five years? Is that what's going on? Do you want to hear another bad joke?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I live in L.A. Do you really? I do, yeah. What are you doing here? I'm visiting family. Why haven't we seen you at a comedy store? I do.

I go every week. What? Every week? I'm making candles so I can't sign up. So I go and watch. Last week, Doug Benson and Jeff Garland. Yeah, it was great. It was amazing.

But are you making candles in the back of the room during the show or something? You say that like you can't possibly sign up for the show. I just get off late. You get off late from making candles. Yeah. So do you work for another company? I do. I'm not an independent candle maker.

That's not. Hey, I don't know the candle game that well, you know. Step up. All right, but here's the bad joke. Do you want to hear it? Oh, I thought that was the end of the bad joke. From L.A. Keep going.

Non-stop bad joke. So I moved to L.A. two months ago ago i moved to be adrian grenier stand-in but he doesn't make movies anymore oh that's just a sad fact well yeah sad reality who is adrian he's the he's the all right this is i guess we're talking to brian that doesn't know anything this episode uh who's this That is the main actor from the hit show and movie Entourage, Brian Redman. It was seven seasons long on HBO.

Again, much like Nickelodeon, I guess you don't have that. When you're in a real entourage, you don't really watch bullshit shows about You look like Brian's in a real entourage, guys. Super turtle over here. I knew that turtle reference was right around the corner.

That's actually what Rogan used to always say. People are like, hey, have you ever watched Entourage? He goes, I'm in a real entourage. And it's true. We used to roll around like an entourage. We used to have a big bodyguard guy. We used to have Tate Fletcher. We used to have a big bodyguard guy. Tate Fletcher. We used to have Eddie Bravo, who was the jiu-jitsu master.

We had a gang that we used to roll with. Fuck that show. Just want to get in the gang, that's all. Michael, tell us something else about yourself. How's LA been treating you? How long have you lived there? About three months.

About three months. And you've been in the there? About three months. About three months. Three months, yeah. And you've been in the candle game for three months. Yeah, you got to follow your dreams. What were you doing in Texas before moving out and making candles? Well, no, I lived in Sacramento and I was doing construction. And that's true. Wow, you're a real hack of all trades.

Jesus. That gets three giggles. How the fuck is that possible? Who are you visiting in Dallas? I have family here and my girlfriend has family here, so we're both here. And you and your girlfriend started dating here? No, in San Francisco. Wow.

Yeah. Geez. I know. Travel. A world traveler over here. Just California. Oh, okay. Yeah, just California.

That makes sense. So, you know, you're making candles. Are you the only dude that's making candles? No, there's a team. There's like five candle makers. This is like a big candle company. Tell us a secret that will blow our mind in the candle game. Sometimes, like, there's a guy with a big beard.

Sometimes beard hair gets in the candle. You know what? I won't say who the candle company I work for is, but this is actually a juicy thing. It's the Yankee Candle Company. No, it's not. No, we know for a fact. We already researched it. One time an employee took a candle home, and they burned it, and they found a roach in a candle.

Oh, my goodness. Jesus Christ. Weed roach or a cockroach? A real one. A a candle. Oh, my goodness. Jesus. That's horrible. Weed roach or a cockroach? A real one. A cockroach. Oh, okay. That's not bad. And it was made at your place, huh?

Yeah, yeah. Didn't fall out of that hairdo of yours? Michael, what is your girl... Normally that sound effect plays at a better time, but I'll take it. I hit the wrong button. Michael, what does your girlfriend do for work? She's in fashion. And you guys live together in L.A.?

West Hollywood. Wait, was that your girlfriend? No. No, but you know what? That's our friend. Oh, really? Did you make her go up on stage? She, yes.

You made Whitney Bassarier go on stage? Yeah, that's my girlfriend's friend from... Is she really ticklish? I can't speak to that. Brian, she said she's ticklish. Can you just jerk off and get over it already? Jesus Christ, this fucking guy. I can literally...

I've worked with Brian so much that I now know when he didn't jerk off yet that day. That's how crazy it's gotten. Okay, we get it, yes. Since I said you didn't jerk off, that day. That's how crazy it's gotten. Okay, we get it. Yes. Since I said you didn't jerk off, that wouldn't bother me, Brian. Anyway, that would be a clean hand. Michael, how often do you jerk off?

Not that often. Act like your girlfriend's not here. Act like your girlfriend's not here. Act like she's not here. How many your girlfriend's not here. Act like she's not here. How many times a day? Like two, three? No, no, no. How many damps per day do you have? No, no, no.

Two is a lot. What? This guy is Adrian Garnier. It's him. I love it. Michael, what are you afraid of? Jerking off. It hurts. I don't want to touch it. I, what are you afraid of? Jerking off. It hurts.

I don't want to touch it. I've been bad already twice. That's a good feeling. I think I'm afraid of not making money in my life. Being unsuccessful. You know you work for a candle company. It's not like the hottest technology anymore. You might want to move on to a beeper

yeah is the candle game picking up because of like game of thrones or something like that or there's just like this tendency to go backwards you know like older stuff people are kind of over convenience so michael what's your i know your girlfriend's in the audience, but give us something juicy here. What's the craziest kind of porn that you've looked up in Climax to? Oh, God. I don't know. No, you fucking know.

What's your favorite position? Don't you dare tell me you don't know. That's the one answer I will not accept. I go to Xvideos, and so there's a one answer I will not accept. I go to Xvideos and so there's a lot of different stuff on there. Corporate America.

You don't jerk off but you actually go to video porn stores? No, that's a website. I'll check it out. Thanks. It's sort of like Vivid, right? It's like an umbrella of... Well, it's a lot of amateur stuff and like um just random clips she's over there his girlfriend's shaking her head right now i

love it i just love throwing guys under the bus um so that's fun a lot of amateurs you're just yeah well we well we what oh oh wait a second uh-oh uh oh there there it is. The face and the hand that I was expecting. Oh, shit. Cat's out of the bag now. So you guys watch porn together sometimes. I, you know. You just light.

Just set a nice romantic tone in the room, light a bunch of candles and have Whitney in the corner sticking her fist in her mouth. Have you ever heard of the Bliss Theater and Club here in Dallas, Texas? Has anyone heard? Do you guys know that you have a sex, like we drove by this on the way, I didn't even bring it up. There's this thing called the Bliss Theater and Club. It's this huge place. It's like a movie theater that has a dance floor

and a bar area. You bring your own beer. There's a lounge. There's a hookup area with curtains if you make a connection that you can fuck at. We don't have that in LA. Okie dokie, Brian. Brian plugging all the strangest shit in the world

during this podcast. Bliss Theater for life. What do you... Are you just thinking of a question now to cancel out the fact that you just plugged some retarded place for 30 seconds? Wasted everybody's energy and attention?

How do they promote that? Not awesome. Their avatar is still an egg. I'm convinced that you just made this fucking place up. That's a woman's egg. Michael, you've lived in L.A. for three months. What's the thing that you miss the most about Texas? Other than being called a faggot.

I miss all the biblical billboards. Yeah, they have those here. Don't they? You stay away for a little bit, and it just seems like insanity. Yeah. All right, Michael. Someone's going to hell. Yeah, Jesus.

It's a very well-known thing that Jesus loves those billboards, and people that diss his billboards, he gets extra fucking mad. Really in Texas, when a Jesus joke gets that type of quiet response. Like, I could tell some of you actually went to church today and live near those billboards. Michael, it was nice to meet you, man. Nice to meet you, too. I love the show. You live in L.A.

You've been coming to the show. Why don't you sign up for the show in Hollywood sometime? Tomorrow. I'm coming back tomorrow. Oh, really? We'll see you there tomorrow. We'll see you tomorrow, man. We'll see you there tomorrow. There he goes, Michael Malon, everybody.

Malon? Malon. Malon. He's on Twitter at Michael3003. Michael 3003. If you were looking for which Michael, that's how many Michaels there are on Twitter, that he just took 3003. Sometimes you just gotta fucking do it. Guys.

What do you think he was talking about when like he said his him and his girlfriend watch the black porn or whatever he said. Nobody said black porn Brian. He was very very careful to just say amateur porn. He didn't give any details at all. I did see you know He sort of has that mad scientist haircut, which leads me to believe that

when she's not around, he's into some crazy shit. I think maybe there's some candles being shoved into places. He's got the long dinner candles, whatever those things are called dinner candles is what they're called

everybody knows that I pulled another name out of the bag definitely not called Jew candles I feel like I've never heard of this before but I feel like our podcast might get cancelled after this the things that you're saying are insane put your hands together for

Luciano varela so guys um make some noise you have kids anyone have kids yeah check out guys i'm a 30 old latino male with no kids so i have a question for you guys what's the deal with little boys peeing with their pants underwear all the way to the ground? Like, I get that at home, but in public? Guys, I went to the movie theater bathroom, walked in, little white boy, pants and underwear all the way to the ground. No t-shirt. That kid's naked.

I had to use the bathroom, so I just went as far away as possible, started peeing. All of a sudden, I feel a presence. I look down. It's that little boy holding his clothes. He's like, hey, Mr. and Mr., can you put my clothes back on? I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just then some dude walks in. He's a naked little white boy and a big-ass Mexican.

I'm like, is this the Catcher Predator? Because I am not Jared. No, no. And that was sponsored by Quiznos. Guys, my name is Luciano. That was my time. Thank you so much. Fuck yeah. There it is. 48 name is Luciano. That was my time. Thank you so much. Fuck yeah.

There it is. 48 seconds. Luciano Varela. Fuck yeah. That really happened, didn't it? It did. It really did. I could feel it.

I could feel the truth. That's a scary situation. You want to know what actually happened? Yeah. I actually panicked. I panicked. And I turned while still peeing. And I peed on his face.

No, that did not happen. Because if that happened, you would say that on stage because that's way funnier than what you said. I had to do two jokes, so I had to put it in. You didn't really pee on the kid. No, I just kind of looked at him and was like, it's not my kid. And I just kind of looked awkwardly. The kid walked out and went back to watching. Did he walk out with his underwear still around his ankles?

Yeah. No, no, no, no. He put his undies up and he's just holding his clothes as the other guy walked him out. Wow. Yeah. Fuck, man. These little kids, somebody has to teach them how to pee properly. Yeah.

There was no parent with them, huh? Yeah. No, just by himself. That's what was so weird. Must have been like a mom situation, huh? Or a bad dad. Yeah. Something like that. I could see how that could huh? Or a bad dad. Yeah, something like that. I could see how that

could sort of work. Like a single mom or something like that and like the kid's probably a little bit creepy. You know what I mean? And she's probably taken him to the women's room

a couple times and he's done the old like look under the stall and shit like that. I was there. I used to be a bad little boy. I used to be a really horny little boy. Like I used to be like Brian when I was a little boy. Like I was there. I used to be a bad little boy. I used to be a really horny little boy.

I used to be like Brian when I was a little boy. I was just like, hey, ma'am, are you ticklish? And things like that. You know what I mean? I used to have those horny fucking nuggets between my legs. So that's fun. Wait, did you say you used to have those horny little nuggets between your legs? What did you do with your little dick and balls?

What did you do to your little dick and balls? What did you do to your balls? They got bigger. They grew up. Everything, you know, I grew up as a human being and a man. I didn't just stay. I didn't just stay. Say sexual? Completely immature, asking every question.

I mean, how sexual were you? Were you like hanging out with your uncle a little bit too long? I was clearly into the microphone that I would ask girls questions. sexual were you? Were you like hanging out with your uncle a little bit too long? I explained it clearly into the microphone that I would ask girls questions and look under the stall doors. My main thing was

looking under a stall door when a girl was peeing. Did you ever when your cousin your hot cousin came over and she went to the bathroom then you ran into the bathroom

and smelled the toilet seat afterwards? No, I didn't do that. I didn't do that. No. Alright. Luciano. bathroom and smelled the toilet seat afterwards no i didn't do that i didn't do that no all right luciano luciano varela cool name thanks you from texas i am born and raised born and they're real texas and you have the cowboys hat on right now yeah a lot big cowboys fan huge uh let me ask you something about being a cowboys fan uh when they commit crimes, do you get excited?

I've always wondered this because it seems like it's just like the original reality show is what Jerry Jones is doing with the Dallas Cowboys. He just recruits the biggest criminals and just is like, hey, let's have some fun. I do get excited because last time we had all those criminals, we won a Super Bowl. Now we're clean and we suck. Yeah, but they were just doing lot of, I mean, I do get excited because last time we had all those criminals, we won a Super Bowl. So now we're clean and we suck. Yeah, but they were just doing crack and sleeping with prostitutes back then.

It still counts. Well, now they beat people up. Yeah, except for the opposing teams. They're like 4 and 11. Luciano, what do you do for fun around here? What's your thing? What do you do for work, actually?

I'm a banker. Banker? I'm a banker. Get the fuck out of here. What kind of bank? A around here? What's your thing? What do you do for work, actually? I'm a banker. Banker? I'm a banker. Get the fuck out of here. What kind of bank? A food bank? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Really? Because I figured you were more of a sperm bank. Oh. Absolutely. A sperm bank. Zing.

No. Hello. That was a good one. Luciano, what kind of bank is it? You know, just a regular bank you go into to get your cash checks. It's the classic bank. Yeah. The classic bank.

Classic bank. Classic bank. Deposits, withdrawals. The type of place people used to go into back when you could only light your house with candles. You have the hookup for dum-dums or whatever those lollies. Yeah. He's got it. That guy has a second chance checking the account. You do have a bucket of dum-dums there, right? Yeah, he's got it. That guy has a second chance checking the count. You do have a bucket of dum-dums there, right?

Yeah, we do. And has any naked little boys ever tried to grab any dum-dums? Especially when the bucket's in your pants. Where were you when you saw this little boy with his underwear around his elbows? It's a movie theater in Lake Worth, just on the other side of town. Movie theater. Do you remember the movie you were going to see? I think it was like a James Bond movie. Oh, shit. Yeah. That's a movie theater in Lake Worth, just on the other side of town. Movie theater. Do you remember the movie you were going to see? I think it was like a James Bond movie.

Oh, shit. Yeah. Fuck, yeah. That's a scary one. Yeah. Hmm. Have you ever stole money from the bank that you work at? All the time.

Oh, shit. I love that. That's an interesting job, I feel like, for a large, young, Latino man. I feel like you're breaking some stereotypes there. That just sounds racist a little bit. No, totally, it is. There's no doubt about it. I'm just totally

going off of stereotypes and things that I haven't seen. Good job. Are you allowed to say what bank it is? I can't. I signed a bunch of crap. I can do this, but I had to sign a bunch of crap saying it. Right.

You can't say that it's Chase Bank. Right. Exactly. You know that it's Chase Bank because – forget it. I love that. Luciano, how long have you been working at banks? Jeez. Eight years as a teller and banker. Now, one thing that I'm sure that you've noticed is now you're probably only stuck with the dumbest people.

Because anybody that's smart knows that they can deposit cash, do all of their bills, they can pay bills, they can do everything with their phone now. Yes. I mean everything. So now you're basically just left with fucking idiots and old people right do you ever talk about that no oh you should talk about yeah you should totally talk about being a banker um and uh that's so crazy what do you do for fun uh open mics and sports like watch sports not play them right right unless of course it's a competitive listen to limp biscuit yeah it's awesome right limp biscuits tight i got a pretty good break

stuff vibe from this guy yeah he's all significant other era i could tell that's what i'm talking about holy shit hang out after the show and shit looks like we can tear up a buffet. It'll be good. Interesting. Luciano, what else about you? Are you single? No, I have a girlfriend. Girlfriend? How long have you been dating her?

Three years. Really? What does she do? She works for the federal government. Whoa. You know when you go, man, that'll get you 15 to 20? She calculates what that is. So yeah, that's what she does.

Whoa. I know. I didn't know that existed. Fuck, yeah. Someone's what she does. Whoa. I know. I didn't know that existed. Fuck, yeah. Someone's working on getting his green card. See. Federal government chick. See. That's so fun.

And you're born and raised in Dallas, right? No, no. Born in Del Rio, Texas. Anyone know where that's at? That's right. Fuck no, they don't. It's the armpit of Texas. Room full of Texans has no idea where Del Rio, Texas is.

It's the armpit. Not because it sucks. It's just where the state curves down. It's right there. So it would be the... If there was an armpit of Texas, it'd be right there. Right.

Yeah, that's it. Gotta say ouch for Del Rio. Del Rio. I could... Okay. The river. Luciano, so you've been dating this girl for three years.

Yeah. She works for the federal government. Yeah. What does she say about you doing stand-up comedy? Is she supportive? At first she wasn't, but then I told her how important it is to me. And she is too, but she understands,

so she lets me do it. Right, because at first, girls are always like, stay home with me, I want to watch Netflix and not do anything. Yes. I work nine to five. Oh, it's not easy being a woman. Girl. Yeah. it's not easy being a woman.

Cool. Yeah. He's right. Anyway, that's just some of my own pent-up aggression. Don't know where it comes from. No big deal. So that's cool. Luciano, craziest type of porn that you've climaxed to?

I was thinking about that from last night. What the fuck was that? That's the end of class, I guess. Is that a fire alarm? I think that's his ringtone. It's a school bell. Why is your... That wasn't me.

That wasn't me. That wasn't me. Class is dismissed, everybody. Oh, it's you. Oh! Cool. Just doing sound effects that make so little sense that I think that they're literally coming from another room.

That's when you know Brian's on his A game is when I'm going, what's going on here? Jesus Christ. Luciano, give us something good. Craziest type of porn that you've finished, too. There's this weird one where um it's like a little boy standing at a urinal and oh it's the fact that he had one lined up no it's uh it's like it's called like broke amateurs or something and they just like they're doing it for money but they're always doing like they're always doing it for money so i find that really strange can i

tell you something what out of all the yes out of all of the porn explanations that i've heard on this show because it's one of my favorite questions to ask you actually have matched one of my favorite porns that i've seen yeah fuck yeah do all bankers it was today that he watched that porn guys do all bankers like that kind of porn. Oh, you need some money, you fucking duck. You want me to get rid of that overdraft charge from behind? Deposit a dick in you. That's right. Here's some cash back for you.

I didn't think about it that way. I know exactly what you're talking about. There's something fun, and it also goes with those audition ones. There's something about the desperation of the porn star that makes it so much fucking hotter. You know, everybody wants a nice, wholesome wife or long-term girlfriend, but when you're going for porn, you want just a fucking filth ball. You know what I mean? You want somebody that just is like,

I'll do anything for 20 bucks. You know, like it's just the hottest fucking thing. I don't think it works the same like for girls. Like I don't, I'd imagine that it's the opposite. Like they just finger themselves to guys like making it rain on the internet. You know what I mean? Like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, all over me.

But like for me, I just love those fucking like there's there's one that i'm sure you are you serious are you serious right now listen to me there's one where they have well first of all there's two i'll tell you this one we all know about the audition one and that one's cool and all but let me tell you about my real favorite one i'm just gonna spill it i've asked this question to like a hundred people, but I've never answered it, and here's mine. And it is, uh, there's a thing called, goddammit, what is it?

It's not the cash cab, but it's like there's this one. Bang bus? No, not taxi cab confessions. It's, uh, come on, you filthballs know what the fuck it is. Bang bus. Not bang bus. Bang bus is stupid. It's not fuck taxi. Bang Bus is stupid. It's not Fuck Taxi. Humpaloon?

It is British, yeah. It's always a British guy. Fake Cab. Isn't it Fake Taxi? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Fake Taxi. That's it. I love how serious everybody's face was trying to figure that out.

It's in a van, right? It's in a van. What are you doing? Just focus on the fucking show, Brian. Just stick on the comedy are you prepping yourself yes brian that's what's happening i'm prepping myself for the podcast listeners to hear what i'm sitting like right now uh so what happens on uh fake taxi is this guy a british guy is giving girls who are blatantly porn stars by the way like that that's

the one part that's totally not believable that that they don't try to sell it all. They always get in the car wearing high heels and half a dress. And it's like, oh, I wonder what's going to happen here. But anyway, and at some point, they fake it, and he ends up going, look, I could take you to your destination, or of course, I could just take you right over here in these woods and fuck you and they're always like what why would you do that i don't know about that and he's like well what if i gave you 200 pounds because it's like british and shit

and uh and uh because if it was english and he said uh I'll give you 200 pounds, he would just give you Luciano Varela here. Anyway, and they just fucking, and they do it and they go for that shit. And there's something so hot about a chick that, like, can't even get a ride home. That just fucking, I just love it. So, Luciano, what's yours? Fucking weird, dude. What's yours Broke people that need money

Yeah I love that What's the name of that brand Do you know What are the keywords you type in Wells Fargo Hashtag You like make fun of other banks Hey Wells Fargo what's up you gay horses

You know what I mean Fucking roast other banks and shit Hey, Wells Fargo, what's up, you gay horses? You know what I mean? Stuff like that. Just go to the other guy. Fucking roast other banks and shit. Fuck yeah, we found a Wells Fargo employee. All right, let's keep flying through these people. Luciano, so good to meet you. Thanks, everybody. There he goes, Luciano Varela.

He's on Twitter, comedian Luciano. We're getting through it. We're getting through it. You're surprised that I like taxi porn, huh? No, it's just weird that you like porn where you're you know, sad women that need help and you're taking advantage of them.

I like strong, powerful women porn. That's how you like your girlfriends, Brian. It's not even like you're on a whole another level like like if a chick doesn't have a yeast infection that's like she's like not your type i like it you like those fucking dirt balls um yeah you know it's fun and another great part that's always part of all these taxi porns is like there's always a part where because there's cameras in the back seat, you know what I mean?

But they're like stabilized. So they're like, you know, there and there. And there's always a part where the guy gets in the back seat and the girl's always like, what's up with the cameras? And the guy's always like, oh, I just always make sure that I don't get robbed. And she's always like, okay. And he's like, you don't mind if I keep him on? She's like, uh, okay. And it's like so blatantly a porn star.

Fucking dirty whores. I love it. I pulled another name out of the Christmas bag. Put your hands together for Jeff Boyd. Here he comes. I don't think so. Here he comes What's going on? Man, I'm fucking terrified of sharks My worst fear in this world

And my buddies, you know, they like to bust my fucking balls They're like, dude, what are you fucking scared of sharks for? There's none fucking around. Well, yeah, that's kind of the fucking point. Like, if I was scared of snakes, would I go to the fucking Amazon? No. If I was scared of lions, would I go to the fucking Savannah? No, not going to fucking happen. If I was scared of black people, would I go to Detroit or Baltimore no no fucking keeping my fucking racist looking ass here in Texas shit I go there I'm the first one to get fucking shot but you know sharks you can't do shit if you're in the ocean with them if you're in the Amazon you get into fucking beef with a snake You might have a chance

You're probably gonna fucking die In the ocean I mean, what are you gonna do? Shark comes at you You're gonna punch him in the nose No, you're gonna get your fucking hand bit off You're gonna dive underwater Try to hide

You're in his world now, bitch He's gonna fuck you up Thank y'all Fuck yeah, Jeff Boyd Hitting that shark material hard. Why does he hate sharks? Yeah. Is that like, do you perform at a lot of aquariums or something like that?

I try not to. I try not to. How long have you been on stand up? First time, actually. First time. I had a feeling. Jeff Boyd. There he is.

I had a fucking feeling. I could smell the blood. It's a shark reference. Jeff, what do you do for work? I mean, when you're not keeping the White Walkers on the other side of the wall. I'm actually a farmer. You're a farmer. What are you

farming? Chickens, sheeps, rabbits. Holy shit. Alright. Which two out of the three are you fucking? Sheep. The rabbits just never seem to get enough. Right.

They hop right on. There's the most comfortable fleshlight you can get. The sheeps aren't bad either. Actually, isn't sheep the third closest vagina and then it's like goat and then dolphin?

And then dolphin, yeah. I don't know. That's another one. That's your territory, Brian. I've never done shrooms and fucked a sheep though,

so I don't, you know. You've never done shrooms but you did, wait, what did you say? I've never done shrooms and fucked a sheep.

Yeah. Just fuck some without the shrooms. So it's cool. Right. So Jeff, you've been a farmer your whole life? It's about three years now. Oh, okay. What were you doing before that?

Before that, I was actually working in oil, so I understand what he's going through. Hashtag all lives matter. Oh, interesting there. Powerful. Shit. Hashtag all lives matter. Somehow I feel like that might be the most racist thing I've ever heard before. I feel like any time you compliment or relate to a black person,

I feel like you say that. Is that true? Uh-oh. We have your girlfriend on line one. There she is. That's fun. So, Jeff, you've been farming. Any crazy stuff happen out there when you're, like, feeding the sheep or the bunnies?

A shark ever come around? You're just like, what the fuck? No, we just got fucking coyotes attacks out the ass out there. You know, one dead sheep almost weekly. Really? Right. The sheep just fucking torn out from the asshole out

and you go, those fucking coyotes, boss. Those fucking coyotes have been butt-fucking our sheep to death. Boss is just like, well, that sounds about right to me. And it's just, the coyotes are just you and your buddies, Pedro and Carlos.

Pedro, coyote, and Carlos, coyote. There you go. Jeff, you have a boss, big farmer boss guy? Kind of. He just kind of just lets me do whatever out there on the farm. Right. Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ, that sounded terrible.

Yeah. Any way that you say it, it sounds like people believe more and more that you're fucking sheep. Absolutely. Now, did you always have that look? Shaved head beard? Did that start about... Or did that start about three years ago when you became a farmer? No, it started when I got out of the army.

Oh, you're a hero. Congratulations. Fuck yeah. Jeff Boyd. They don't even applaud you for being in. Congratulations. Fuck yeah. Jeff Boyd. Jeff Boyd. Okay. They don't even applaud you for being in the services. That's incredible. That's fun. So stand up something that you've always wanted to do.

Yeah. And you're out there on the farmland and you're writing about what you know. Sharks. Yep. Doing. Performing for the sheep, you know. Sheep are like, I know I hate those sharks too good one Jeff

do that on Kill Tony not bad not bad that's fun so so what else Jeff That's fun So So What else Jeff Tell us something else about you

You're from Texas born and raised Forworth originally moved out to Aledo There we go Fuck yeah same girl that yelled for Armadillo But whatever Oh I said She's an Amarillo and I meant Armadillo That's funny wow I just realized That I fucked up earlier Oh, I said she's an Amarillo and I meant Armadillo.

That's funny. Wow. I just realized that I fucked up earlier. That's fun. Flashbacks. Jeff, so I see that you wore your best outfit tonight. My best shoes. I fucking love that. That's so cool, man.

That's so fun. I dress up for the occasion. It's on TV or internet, rather. No, you're right. We are live on TV right now NBC uh

we are live on NBC uh mainstream as it gets um Brian's teaching himself how to play piano right now everybody

he pulled up a piano app for the first time ever you better help just googling Jaws theme He pulled up a piano app for the first time ever. You better help just Googling Jaws theme. So, Jeff, have you ever seen a shark in real life? No, just in the movies, and I try not to watch those either. Right. Because unlike the first comedian, you don't know the difference between TV and not TV.

You see a shark on the TV, you're like, there's a shark in my fish tank. That's so fun. How long have you been growing out that beard, Jeff? Do you ever trim that thing? I trim it up. I did a little bit today. Oh, you did? I can't even tell.

Nope, not at all. Does the curtains match the carrot? Absolutely. Absolutely. He calls it a carrot because you feed both to rabbits. Oh, thank you, Brian. I don't know what I would have done without that Johnny Carson drum roll. There it is.

Fuck yeah. That's so fun. So you talked about sharks for like the entire minute. How much more shark material can you possibly have? Oh, I have quite a bit. Really? You have a lot more than that? Yeah, just probably about another couple minutes about it.

That's incredible. I don't like sharks. Can't watch movies with them. Can't read books. Can't read books. Can't read books. What? I can't watch shark movies. And also, man, I can't read books, you know? Just thought I'd throw that out there.

That's towards the end of my set. Whether there's a shark in them or not, I just can't read. None at all. Fuck sharks. Fuck books. I just can't read none at all fuck sharks fuck books

you're like my new favorite stand up comedian yeah exactly cause you know sometimes you're just reading a book you're a couple hundred pages in

and out of nowhere there's just a fucking shark oh my god no shark no that's why my two biggest fears just combining

Who gets scared by a book? What are you, the never ending story? All of a sudden he's just eating his apple On the blanket like, oh my god Better be too careful with those sharks, man I fucking love it, Jeff So, you know, I've been keeping sort of a theme to this show. I've been asking everybody, and I'm really excited about this.

I've been asking everybody what type of crazy porn they've climaxed to. What can you give us, Jeff? The more honest you are, the funnier it's going to be, by the way. Free Willy porn, bro. Pregnant porn. Oh, fuck y'all. There we go. Really?

Pregnant porn. That's what I love. I love how it gets that fucking groan. There was a part earlier where I called all porn stars dirty whores and people are like, yeah, preach. But you say pregnant porn. Everybody's like, fuck you, mister. Leave that kid alone. Yeah, exactly. I like pregnant porn, everybody's like, fuck you, mister. Leave that kid alone.

Yeah, exactly. I like pregnant porn. There's something about thinking that your dick is banging off some fucking baby head that you're into, huh, Jeff? Something like that, yeah. Unless, of course, it's a pregnant sheep. Pregnant porn's good because usually their nipples are swollen And they're bigger than normal Wow look at you two If you guys want We have a wifi stream

You can go to the restroom and jerk each other off Their stomach is usually stretched also So you have a lot of weird markings on their stomach That's not you Okie dokie I love that Jeff so pregnant porn uh you ever been caught you ever been caught looking at porn you ever been caught masturbating by like your mom

or anything you know i once was another thing that another dallas live exclusive is i was once caught by my mom jerking off like i I wasn't actually in the motion because sometimes she would just walk into my room when I was growing up, which was weird. So I would always stand in a certain area of my bedroom that had like a dresser and a TV. And I was basically just like jerk off against the closet sort of because things were blocked.

And I remember one time I didn't jerk off before taking a shower. I being the young genius that I was decided to jerk off after a shower. I, being the young genius that I was, decided to jerk off after a shower. And I had a towel around me. Yeah. And I'm jerking off. And my mom just walks in and she's like, what are you doing? And I walked and I took a step backwards. I'm like, what?

Nothing. And the towel's around me. Just a fucking fool. There's something about a towel sticking out that you just cannot deny. And back when you're younger, the boner like sticks you know what i mean it was different it was different now it like levels out sort of like a level you know i like measure stuff with it now but back in the day i used to just fucking like just fucking used to thump man i used to be able to watch my heartbeat in it and shit. I would know exactly. I'd be like,

okie dokie, I'm at a solid 120 beats a minute right now. Very good. I love how you're just teaching yourself random instruments for the first time as this show couldn't be any more off the fucking charts. Why don't we just stick with the normal sound effects, Brian? Going to guitar apps, piano

apps over here. Did that one shot of fireball really hit you that hard? There it is. Okay, very good. My favorite. Right back to the basics, baby. Jeff, tell us something crazy that's happening. That shark shit, I'm just not falling for to be honest with you. You know what I mean?

I feel like it's like, oh yeah, sharks are pretty scary and you're scared of sharks and I get it. Don't crush his dreams, man. He wants to talk about sharks. I don't care if I crush his dreams. Jeff, tell me something good. Tell me some fucking crazy shit that's happened to you.

Other than your perspective on sharks. About a week ago, my ex went to jail for probably about six months. Beautiful. Now we're talking. Great. What did she go to jail for? Child support.

She went to jail for child support? Fuck y'all again. Fucking women have to pay too. So this is a good thing. This is a good thing, people. You never see that side of the coin. I love that. Not the first time you've seen a pregnant woman get fucked before.

There it is. There it is. Wow. So six months. So that's your girlfriend. How long have you guys been dating? No, no. That's my ex.

Oh. And it's not your child? No, it's my child. I've had custody of her for about six years now. Wow. That's amazing. Watch all the pregnant porn you want, you single dad. All of a sudden, the crowd is into it. Do you have any jokes

about being a single dad? Well, no. I'm married now. I got a wife who deals with the bullshit. Right. Can I ask a question? Like, a legit... Can I ask a legit question?

So, like, because it's weird talking to a guy with the child support, you know, like, backwards. Wait a second. Are you married to sheep? Okay, wait.

So, like, it's bullshit, right? Like, you're getting, like, a free paycheck every week, and you just have to buy SpaghettiOs, and I put the kid in the backyard. Brian, what the fuck are you talking about? I don't get any paycheck. That's why she's in jail. I don't get any paycheck.

Wow. What does she do for work or not do? What did she used to do? Nothing. No, nothing. Nothing. That's why she's in jail. So let me ask you this.

When you got her pregnant and she was pregnant with your child, were you still into hooking up with her a lot? Were you like, oh, yeah, my baby's in jail. So let me ask you this. When you got her pregnant and she was pregnant with your child, were you still into hooking up with her a lot? Were you like, oh, yeah, my baby's in there. How does that feel, son? You've been a naughty boy. It was a bad mistake from the get-go, man. Bad mistake. Bad mistake.

Did you try to get an abortion? Did you try to take her out on the farm or something like that? That was before the farm. Accidentally, she got – oh, I'm sorry, babe. You got kicked by a horse accidentally. It looks like we lost the baby. Did it mean for that horse to take you I'm sorry, babe. You got kicked by a horse accidentally. Looks like we lost the baby. Did it mean for that horse to take you out? No, no. Unfortunately, that was before the

farm, but... Oh, we actually have your kid online, too, right now. Alright. Andy's demented, obviously. Jeff, you are so cool, so likable. Chris, anything else for Jeff?

What do you got for this guy? I was going to say Stone Cold Steve Austin. That was the first thing that popped in my head. I was going to say, are you a fan of Stone Cold? Years ago when it was good. We'll talk after the show. Attitude era. Let's get into it.

You're a wrestling fan? All right. Yeah. You just became my best friend, Chris. All right. Sweet. You answered it correctly best friend, Chris. All right, sweet. You answered it correctly. Jeff, listen, man.

I'm going to tell you the truth. Most of the time, I had a feeling that this was your first time just because I do the show so often that I have a real feeling for it. But I'm going to tell you this. You're likable. You're cool. You're honest. You're real. And I think you're going to do really great things if you apply yourself a little bit and have fun you have time out there on the farm to think about real

shit think about real shit that's to you you know what it's like being a dad and being married and having an ex-wife and this and that and being on the farm you know what i mean you're talking about sharks and people are like yeah we've seen jaws and we've seen the Discovery Channel and it's sort of like, you know, it's not that compelling. Talk about your real shit because people are going to want to know about that. You have a cool look. You're a likable guy. Jeff Boyd, everybody. There he goes. Thank y'all. Thank y'all. He's on Twitter

at the Jeff, the Jeffy B. J-T-H-E-J-E-F-F-I-E-B. I love people's first times. That's always the most fun. How you guys doing, live audience? You hanging in there? How about this side? Angry guy, how are you doing?

Arms crossed, looking like a security guard over here. How you doing, good? There's that little smile. Gotta keep everybody cheered up. I like this name. Put your hands together for Larry Roberts. Wow, that's a lot of people. Gotta make sure I don't fall on my way up here. I just gotta say first off, it's hard to be here the first night, first time ever since I've come out of rehab. So two years

sober and here I am, my first night out on the town, surrounded by alcohol. I love it. Brian, I wanted to give into your little bit there about, what was it, the little sex shop? Sex shop? Yeah. Bliss?

There's Lido also. We can talk about it after the show. But Lido's another great one. Not that I know. But no, I was sitting here. It's kind of hard to get up here and do this for real because you think about it, but then you get up here and beforehand you get all nervous and everything. So we went to eat beforehand. And you ever ate so much that you, like, literally felt the stretch marks, like, splitting your stomach as you eat?

Like, we had Italian food. That makes it even worse because I used to be a Hinchcliffe. You'd be real tiny, real small. Believe it or not, there's no lie. I was. I was 150 pounds, and now I'm 300. But they asked me what kind of dressing I wanted for my salad, and I said, you know, give me like a vinaigrette and some oil.

It wasn't for the salad, really. It was kind of rubbing my belly to minimize the stretch marks there. So there we go. There he is, a minute from Larry Roberts. Fuck yeah. Is that true? So wait a second. You were in rehab for?

Alcohol. Right. And you've been sober for two years? Actually, two years ago today, I was still in rehab. Wow. How bad did it get? Like, were you waking up? Tequila?

Yes. Let's say three weeks off work. Still have the same job. Great job. Appreciate it, guys. But you keep asking the porn question. Sure. I found out when I hit rock bottom when I was pay-per-viewing porn for like two weeks straight.

And I don't even remember it. I got like a $300 cable bill of just porn. Wow. And it's just ridiculous. But yeah. That's kind of rock bottom. That's a real drinking problem when you forget about the internet and you're just getting

porn off of pay-per-view. You can get it for free. You go back to drinking. That's incredible. I have so many questions for you, Larry. That's amazing. By the way, you were really comfortable on stage. I like your stage presence.

How long have you been here? First time on stage. Holy shit, your stage presence. How long have you been here? Did you say this is your first time? First time on stage. Wow. Holy shit. That's incredible. Nailed it. Thank you. That is incredible.

Wow. Mind-blowing. I do listen to the show a lot, though. But you did this perfect. The finding your voice part is the hardest part. Now, if you write jokes to go with your normal voice, then you're good to go because you've already gotten past the stage presence thing. You could totally do this easily. Appreciate it.

Thank you. Fuck yeah. Believe it or not, that was a written joke. No, I'm not saying it's not a written joke. I'm not saying it's not a written joke. I'm just saying that you've already gotten past the hardest part. Let me get this straight though. Have you been in rehab for two years? No, I've been out of rehab. For two years?

I was in rehab for about six weeks. And you've been clean and sober for two years? Not even a cold beer. You look at my table right now, it's a water and a Red Bull. Wow. Water and a Red Bull. And you said that you used to look like me and now you look like that. Yeah, it's just weird. Thanks, Brian. I'm thirsty right now.

No, I wasn't. So you stopped drinking and just started eating everything. Yeah, just inflated. Right. Yeah, like everything. Yeah. I don't know.

I was 150 pounds for like my whole life. Made your dick bigger though, right? Negative. No? That's the downside about being fat. It shrinks really. What? Yeah, seriously.

Nah, dog. That might work for you. What? I'm fat and happy. What? Dog. He speaks for himself dog. Well, that might work for you. What? I'm fat. What? Dog. He speaks for himself. That's not true. Oh, your dick was bigger when you were skinnier? No, it was smaller when I was skinnier.

It definitely got fatter, man. Some people put weight in different areas. Like, I got big hips. Yeah, you do. Other people have big stomachs. It's a partial region, but it's not to the dick. Oh, dude.. Other people have big stomachs. You know, like... It's a partial region, but it's not to the dick. Oh, dude.

It pumped all the fat into my dick. Fuck yeah. I mean, my dick falls asleep. Like, it's asleep right now. What do you rock under the hat? It's just... It says Illuminati. No, I mean, like, what's underneath the hat?

Oh, what's... Like, hair. Well, it's just, you know... Oh, I like that. Fuck yeah. Christian Slater, guys! Classic butt cut. Bubba Ray Dudley, I like that. Christian Slater, guys. Classic butt cut. Bubba Ray Dudley, ladies and gentlemen.

Bubba Ray Dudley. For the three people in the room who know who that is. So what do you do for work, Larry? Well, I'm an analyst. Well, what are you analyzing, Larry? Data. It's not really exciting at all. What kind of data?

Just a bunch of numbers. I work in IT. I'm in the IT department. And I crunch the numbers and let everybody know how the company is doing. When we're not making any money, they come to me and ask why. Right. That's a tough position. It sucks.

Right. What's your favorite food? Oh, shit. I guess Italian. This is what I had before I came up here. Very good. Speaking of Italian. It's weird since I got out of rehab.

Sweets is all I really want. Right. That's what they say. Have y'all had that Talenti? Have you ever heard of that gelato at Talenti? No? A lot of gelato eaters. No, they haven't.

You're the only one that's been eating all of it, Larry. You can't find it because it's in my freezer. No, but that's all I want is that shit. And that's what I have for literally dinner every night is a pint of Talenti. No, it's fucking gelato. You have a pint of gelato every night. Every fucking night. Cut it out.

Wow. The guy that busted Global Guts reference. Bringing back Full House. Gelato is just ice cream with butter. You need to stop. It's like fancy ice cream. Go eat a stick of butter and some yogurt. You'll be better.

It goes good with pay-per-view porn. Larry, don't you think that's another unhealthy crutch? Could be, maybe. I may have an addictive personality, but the verdict is still out. What do you think it would take to replace

this gelato thing you're dealing with, this daily gelato? I really don't know, Tony. Because you are what you eat, and you're looking a little gelato. You know what I mean? I am just a big, walking, lardo pint of gelato. I don't know. I really don't at this point. That's so fun.

That's so cool. I was telling some friends of mine earlier today that I think I'm actually going to do something that nobody does. And come January 1, I'm going to start working out. Really? That's what I'm doing. Real original. Dude, I'm going to start working out. Really? That's what I'm doing. Real original. Dude I'm doing it. I love it. I got one of the, you remember the gazelle?

Tony Little? Yeah the worst. I got a fucking gazelle collecting dust. I'm going to dust it off and yank it off and throw me a ponytail. Okay. I can just picture him on this gazelle just eating gelato. Just like this is great. Doing it. Making big changes in my life. I mean, I'm up to two gelatos

a day now, but I've got this fucking gazelle. That's so interesting, Larry. What was your drink of choice back in the day? Bombay Sapphire. Really? Whoa. That's interesting. Sorry, I like gin. I fucking hate you.

Wow, man. you really saved yourself. Gin's one of those weird drinks that takes over your face if you get too much into it. You know, they get that strawberry nose and shit. That's what I got out in time. What was, like, gin and tonic was my first drink starting off as a child. I don't know why. That's what they taught you. Not mine.

Mine was a good old Lynchburg lemonade back before I was Mike's heart. Jack Daniels made Lynchburg lemonade and my brothers took me frisbee golfing one time and I had two of them and I was fucking rocked. Oh, I was the happiest fucking 15 year old

boy in the world. I was shit faced. It was great. Larry, did you start on gin and just sort of stick with it the whole time? I'm pretty sure I did. I mean, of course, he started off with cold beer and a little strawberry heel as a teen. I grew up in a trailer park, so we... I could tell right behind the trailer, as a matter of fact. I could tell by your haircut. Yeah, thanks.

It's a transition phase. You guys still remember? I'm trying to get my Tony little ponytail. I love that. But no, I think it was. I think gin was it. I don't know why it just was. It was gin and Red Bull for starters, and then just went to gin, and just went to more. Gin and Red Bull? Wait. What the fuck is going on here?

He's about to just get really wasted after the set right now. It was just delicious, delicious gin. Yeah. The more I talk about it, the thirstier I'm getting. You single? Weird. No, I'm married, actually. 15 years.

Wow. The fact that I'm single, I'm so bummed out now. This whole show, everybody, I'm like, no, they're definitely single. Nope, he's also married. Nope, he's also in a relationship. God damn it, I killed myself tonight. Now, the old lady, 15 years you've been married. She stuck with you through it all.

She did. Do you ever share your gelato with her? Negative. It's all mine. No, actually, and she's not my size at all, but she does the same thing. Wait, wait, she's bigger or smaller? She's smaller. She's a lot smaller.

Asian? No, no, she's white. Not that I have anything against you. Was there a specific Asian person? Was there Asians over there? I didn't know there was any Asians over there. No offense to any Asians. Pointed one out real hard. What is this?

He just threw. Wait a second. Wait, Tony, did you see that? What happened there, man? I just slipped out. I'm sorry. He did the old eye pull. Yeah, the old Texas truffle. Is that what it's called? Now, Larry, what else, man?

Tell us something interesting. What was your childhood like? Childhood, like I said, grew up in a trailer, bounced back and forth from California, Stockton, to Sherman, Texas, up north. Oh, two people know Sherman. Sherman? Sherman. Sherman two people know Sherman. Charmin? That's pretty much it. Charmin. Charmin.

Charmin? Charmin. Charmin. Gotcha. Gotcha. Larry, something crazy about you. What's your biggest fear? Biggest fear is getting on stage.

No, the next biggest fear. Okay, well, next biggest fear is, and this will come to you if you ever go to rehab which I doubt anybody in here will ever do is having regrets. That sounds so fucking cliche and so cheesy but it's so true. You look back and you go, fuck dude. I was going to guess that your biggest fear

is no gelato. I was going to say maybe I listen to the show a lot, Tony. I knew where you were going. You son of a bitch Tony what's your biggest regret My biggest regret Yeah Is it a girl that got away

No it's probably Probably No it's probably Not doing this podcast on my own From the very beginning Oh I'm just kidding Brian not doing this podcast on my own from the very beginning. I'm just kidding, Brian.

I love you. I love you. It's turned down. I can't even hit the button if I try. It's like a safety on his soundboard to where... No, my iPad is sad that you even thought that.

An iPad. Larry. Yes. Did you already answer the jerk off tooth thing? What was that? I didn't know, but I mentioned the whole porn addiction thing before going to the rehab. Right, right, right. And.

Oh, I'm sorry. Whoops. It didn't even make sense. And I was still in the audience. But no, it would be probably the nastiest thing I ever really got into was like the German goo girls. Oh, yeah. Of course, yeah. Just fucking loads on the face.

Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, just one after the other. Yeah. When they can't breathe except for the bubbles or the cum. Yeah, and they're just gargling and shit. Sometimes they even – They got a dog collar. Not only the mouth, but the worst is like the nose bubbles.

No, the nose bubbles, yeah. Goldfish eye just coming out of their nose. Extra kind of hard. Yeah, it was pretty rough. That's incredible. And you just fucking love it. You're just shooting loads all over. Shooting gelato everywhere.

Dude, you want to do a rapid round? Yeah, let's go rapid fire. Larry, it was so nice to meet you. Larry. Thank you. Another first timer, everybody. Come on. Larry Roberts is on Twitter at accidentally TWT, right?

What? Accidentally the whole tip is his podcast, and he's on Twitter at accidentally TWT. Yeah, we're not going to. We got here. We got here 30 minutes before the show. Yeah. Well, we're not going to. We got here. We got here 30 minutes before the show. Yeah. Well, we got here. And if you didn't know what happened.

All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. We're going to move fast through this one. Put your hands together for Michael Kruger. Hey, guys. So I'm amazed how people keep managing to find a way to make Hitler relevant. I don't know if you've seen this on Netflix. Now they have like the new World War II in color documentary.

It's like narrated by Martin Sheen. Y'all seen that, right? No? Okay, somebody saw it. My roommates were playing it the other week. And for me me it's a lot like watching mommy and daddy fighting um i should explain that my mom is german jewish descent my dad is german nazi descent so one side gas the other in auschwitz at least that's what ancestry.com told me um, you can laugh at that. It happened.

No, but really, I'm amazed how people keep on finding ways to make Hitler relevant. Back in the late 90s, early 2000s, History Channel was the Hitler Channel, right? Back before they started doing Ancient Aliens. That was that. No, I feel like someday they might bring Hitler to IMAX. Just be scared. You remember those old Spy Kids trailers where the pterodactyls were flying over people? Ah.

Well, this one would be like a big Hitler doing the Heil and everybody. Ah. No. Fuck yeah. Michael Kruger. There it is with a minute. Biggest laugh coming off of the classic no line, uh, which we always love. Uh, Michael,

how long have you been doing standup? Uh, just over a year and a half, year and a half. How does it feel to, uh, do worse than the three people whose first time it was tonight? Oh man.

How does that make you feel? Why do you hate Hitler for? What? Didn't you know that there's a very pro Hitler panel here? I mean, do you just hate dead people cause they can't defend themselves or what? Hitler for? What? Didn't you know that there's a very pro-Hitler panel here tonight? Do you just hate dead people because they can't defend themselves? What the fuck just happened? You just got a shot.

You just bought yourself a shot? Yeah. I know nobody in the audience bought that shit for you. I've been trying to get a drink for like 20 minutes. I just had one brought to me. What's up, Chris? How you been doing, man? Pretty good.

Michael, what is this, your podcast, you son of a bitch? Settle down with your questions. Did you guys used to date? Did we used to date? It was a really awkward grinder date. We haven't talked about it in a while. Michael, tell the truth. You got that sweater for Christmas.

Am I right? Yes, I did. My mom gave it to me. Thank you. Thank you. I fucking know that shit. I know because you're not wearing it right. That you. I fucking know that shit. I know because you're not wearing it right. That's why I know.

It's still new to you. Yeah. You're like putting shit in your pockets and stuff. No, there's nothing in the pockets. It drives Brian crazy that I know a little bit about fashion and looking good. I bailed on a date for this shit, Tony. What? I bailed in the middle of a date for this shit.

For this shit? For this shit? For this shit. What was the date? Tinder date. Really? Yeah. And look, show me the girl. Show me the girl that you were going to go on a date with.

Show me a picture of this fucking... My phone's on the table. Laurent, can you bring my phone? Who? Did you just say mom? Laurent. Laurent. You remember Laurent?

Yeah, I remember Laurent. With the dick that Brian's obsessed with? I remember LaRon. Tony, what's wrong with this? Like, how is he not wearing it? Well, what's funny is that you could tell that he's been putting stuff in these pockets because they're sticking out. Oh, no, he hasn't.

He just got it two days ago. Oh, I see the character you're doing. Okay, Brian, there you go. Very, very, it's just murdering this crowd right now. They're fucking in a tear right now. 8%. 8%. 8%. Hopefully it loads up your app before your 8% dies, shaky hands.

God, you're so shaky right now. I know. What the fuck? Damn, look at all these messages. Dude, will you masturbate me with your hands? What the hell is wrong with your hand? Whoa, you were going to go with a black girl, huh? Oh, shit.

Wow. Damn. You made the right choice, dude. Yeah, you did. You made the right choice. I mean, those areolas were too purple. The Hitler joke was way better. Thank you.

At least something in my life is decent. Right. Michael Kruger, any relation to Freddy? You're as good as a comic as all the kids I went to elementary school with, Tony. I know, Michael. Let's move on! I know. People would reference the Kruger thing.

I'm actually a much better comic than the people you went to elementary school with. Unless they all have a one-hour special debuting next month on Netflix. Whoa! Oh, shit! have a one hour special debuting next month on Netflix. You. Motherfucker. Yes. Sip that beer. Shaky little bastard. Take a fucking shot at me.

There's a history of MS in my family, so... I love it, I bet. Fuck yeah. I bet there is. What does the MS stand for? Mostly stupid? Welcome to the burn unit, son. You're right. You're right.

You're right. The kids who went to elementary school with are better than me. So, Michael, your mom got you that sweater for Christmas. Am I correct? Your mom? Yes. Right. Okay.

And let me take a guess, right? That was in, like, a plain box, but you know that it's from Kohl's, right? Old Navy. That's what the tag says. Really? Old Navy? Fuck, I was close, right? Old Navy. That's what the tag says. Really? Old Navy? Fuck, I was close. That's Old Navy.

Damn it. See, I'm good at bad sweaters because the way that I got sort of good-looking dress-wise is because my mom used to buy me shit like that. And I'm like... And the only people that I was matching up with on Tinder were black girls. And I'm like, you know what?

I got to fucking up my game and get clothes that fit. No, I'm kidding. Michael, what's the kind of porn that you jerk off to that you've climaxed to that you wouldn't want to normally share with anybody? Girl on a horse dick. I like that. But get the little pony. Get the little pony porn. It looks like an elephant trunk.

No, no, no. My pretty pony porn is like the best. It's like those little ponies, but girls in the little ponies. Because those dicks are actually bigger than black dick, but they're not going to kill her. But they're going to ruin her night. I'm going to fucking herb Dean this one. He's definitely telling the truth. It's over.

It's over. Michael, we're flying through this part. That was very, very fun. I busted your balls. I'm sure you have a lot more material and you just took a chance and talked about Hitler and you stuck with it. Yeah. I love that.

If Hitler could have seen that set, he would have fucking told you to take that sweater off. I thought it was good. This is good. There he goes. Michael Kruger, everybody. He's on Twitter at the fake Kruger. Let's do three more in three minutes.

That's impossible. Three more in five minutes. Let's do it. Let's see who JJ Dodd is. Here we go. JJ Dodd. What's up? What's up? What's up?

Finally a professional up here. Hey, so there's been a lot of talk about porn all night, so let's just keep that theme going, I guess. What the fuck happened to porn to where a girl throwing up on my dick is erotic? That's so fucking nasty to me, dude. When she's going down on you and i'm like oh i mean it just fucking ruins it for me and i don't know like there's whole categories like puke on dick you know i mean like you can go to the what the fuck who's getting off to this like who what that's you can gauge society with how fucking crazy we are with the categories of porn you know like he's fucking

horse dick what was this guy talking about fucking puking on dicks i mean it's just it's all bad it's all bad i'm jj dodd what's up yeah the best way to end this yes jj dodd that was fucking badass um and you're right because like i like i had a blow job with a girl that she girl that she puked on my dick or whatever. And the next day, I didn't wash it off. And the stomach asshole asked, no, it curls up and becomes a gel. I had to pull it off and throw it away. This is what's wrong with America.

It's a true thing. This is what's wrong. JJ Dodd, I fucking love that First of all I'm going to be honest with you You know what I'm sort of a Let's wait one second Brian

I'm going to be honest with you I'm sort of into it I'm sort of into the puking on the dick And here's why Show of hands It doesn't matter And here's why. Let me tell you why. Show of hands? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter by show of hands. Because here's the thing.

When you have a big penis, and I'm not saying, I'm not going to be braggadocious and say that I do. It's a lot of fucking work lugging this thing around. I'm not going to brag about it okay it takes all the the the the blood out of his brain though you can tell right you know you know

i used to be fatter and my dick got much bigger but anyway my point is this is that when you have a big dick and i don't know what it's like to do that but But if you did, one of the most exciting parts of it you end up finding out is like, you know, when a girl finds out about it for the first time, like if they touch it or whatever, and they go, holy fucking shit.

Like that part. All right. You know what? You guys can't relate to this. My point being is that you get bored after a while. All right. Forget it.

JJ, I'm guessing since you're built like a snowman, you don't get a lot of pussy. Am a while. Alright, forget it. JJ, I'm guessing since you're built like a snowman, you don't get a lot of pussy. Am I right? No, I don't. Thank you for bringing that up. How long have you been doing stand-up? That's my very first time. What the fuck? That was awesome.

Wow. We are popping so many cherries tonight, which is the only fruit JJ has ever eaten. That's true. That's true. Dipped in chocolate. Right. That's so fucking cool, JJ.

What do you do for work? Nothing's cool. I'm a custom stair salesman. I sell stairs to custom home builders. I get the feeling that you're in charge of elevators, JJ. What exactly are custom stairs? People are like, you know what? I want less stairs, a higher elevation.

I want very long stairs so I can roll up. I don't need 20 stairs. Just give me three stairs that are five feet tall each. I want to reach up and pull up. Get a pimp of my stairs for me, please. Holy shit. What's the craziest kind of staircase you've built, JJ? And by the way, have you ever tested any of these staircases?

It's so easy, right? It's so easy. It's so easy. Yeah, it is. I have to acknowledge it. What's the craziest kind of staircase you've ever built? I mean, I'm sure everybody's dying with anticipation. There were flat stairs. Glass spiral staircase. It was a ramp, everybody.

That was it. Wow. The next show started 12 minutes ago. JJ, thank you so much. It was so nice to fucking meet you. That was great. Another one, you know. Two more.

Real quick, though. All these people, JJ underscore Dodd, D-O-double-D. What's that, Chris? I love that he referenced the other guy. You got the guy with the horse dick up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Making callbacks to everything got the guy with the horse dick up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Making callbacks to everything. Guy with the horse dick, Leron.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Alvin Newsome. Here he is. Alvin Newsome. What's going on, guys? I'm getting older, and one of the things I'm noticing about myself as I get older is I'm starting to hate shit. Like, my biggest pet peeve now is seeing, like, adult males wearing short-sleeved dress shirts and long ties. Like, I hate that shit.

Like, I'm serious, because short-sleeved dress shirts and long ties are meant for a very specific demo, and that demo is five- to seven-year-old boys going to a funeral. Like, that's what the fuck that's for you know i'm saying like if you're an adult male and you're wearing a short sleeve dress shirt and tie i assume you're one of four types of people you're a used car salesman a mormon a geek squad member or a pedophile let's just be honest guys let's just cut this shit okay like any dude that's wearing a short sleevesleeved dress shirt and a tie, I'm assuming he has to stay 300 yards away from a school or a playground.

That's my time. Y'all be cool. Boom. Alvin Newsome coming in, talking about stuff, killing it. Great jokes. You have gotten so much funnier since you went up first tonight. I'm just kidding. We love you, LaRon.

You guys are both funny. How long have you been doing comedy? Almost two years. How much material do you have? Honestly, about 35. That's so fun. What do you do for work? I work in marketing and advertising.

Damn, everybody here has such weird jobs. It's like complete opposites. What's Kim Kardashian like? I've never met her. You're unbelievable. The Kanye thing, I get it. You're kind of Kanye-ish. Kanye with like

maybe a drug habit. Kanye with a smile. Alright, that's positive. I'll take you that. All right, that's positive. I'll take that. I love that, Alvin. You're from here in Texas? No, I'm originally from Memphis, Tennessee. Ooh, I love Tennessee.

So lovely. How long have you been in Texas? About six years now. Nice. Do you like it better or less? Besides the random white people pulling guns on me, I'm cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because everybody has one here.

It sucks to be a black guy in Texas, right? Yeah, it's kind of weird. It's kind of a weird place. Every time I see a black guy in Texas, I'm like, what the fuck are you doing here? Get the fuck out of here.

Like, there's 49 other states. Why would you choose this one? You like getting choked when you get fucked, don't you? It is true. Like, if I was black, based on principle, I would go as far north as possible. you? It is true. If I was black, based on principle, I would go as far north as possible.

This is true. I'd go to Iowa. Iowa and black people get along because I heard they both have huge caucuses. That was a little too highbrow for this crowd, Tony. Come on Anybody who's making that groaning noise right now Guess what? You're stupid

It's not like I was doing stand-up And 20 minutes into my set I made a black paper On Iowa, a huge caucus No, that was in the moment, you fucking idiots Black people was brought up And Iowa was brought up And I took the two and I fucking cranked it. But no, it sounded cheesy.

So you're like, you fucking know. Well, guess what? This ain't American Idol, bitches. And your vote doesn't count. Wow, Tony. Alvin, I fucking love your style. We're going to fly through this part. How do you feel about opening up our stand-up show?

I love it, man. Alvin Wilson, everybody. He's on Twitter at A-L-V-I-N-S-I-G-H-S-T-S. Alvin Sites. Let's get one more comedian up. For those of you that signed up that didn't get up, we apologize.

A lot of people signed up. Way more. Lawrence Rosales. Lawrence Rosales. Lawrence Rosales, your final comedian of the night, everybody. And then we do a stand-up comedy show. I've been married for like a year. It's been going pretty well.

Yeah, to a woman. My wife asked me the other day, she goes, you ever think about kids? And I said, not a lot. That'd be weird. I thought that by me a month, you know, I don't know if we should pass our DNA along. I met my wife at community college and a remedial math class that I didn't pass. You know, and I worry about the world we're leaving for our kids, you know? Like, thanks to global warming, kids won't even get snow days in the future. They'll just get the day after a mass shooting off.

I don't know. I didn't go to college. You know't finish. I'd just walk around and I'd tell people shit. I'd be like, I'm street smart. What does that mean? Street smart is like a 15-year-old that can't count my change back to me. But he can tell me how many grams are in an ounce. You got it. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Bam!

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Wow! Lawrence Rosales. How long have you been doing stand-up, Lawrence? Seven months, eight months. Seven months, eight months. How much material do you think you have? If you had to guess.

If I'm sober, 20, 25. If I'm stoned, I can make it 30. Seconds or minutes? Minutes. Perfect. Lawrence, we're going to keep this super quick. I think it's blatant and obvious that we blew our load very quickly with Alvin, and we are going to also add you to the show.

Cool? Five minutes? Cool, man. There he goes. Lawrence Rosales, everybody. He's on Twitter at Lawrence Rosales. And, guys, guess what? Guess what?

Just like when the nurse gives you the shot and you get the needle in you and you didn't even feel a thing, we did it. That's episode 140-something of Kill Tony. Yeah. Live from Dallas, Texas. We're going to regroup. Can I get a little bit more volume? We're going to regroup.

We're going to have a smoke outside and then we're going to come back in and we're going to do a live stand-up comedy show. Lawrence Rosales is going to start it. Alvin Newsome goes after that. Motherfucking one and the only

Chris Tellez, your very own, goes up after that. Brian Redband, Tony Hinchcliffe. We'll see you in a few minutes live from Hyenas, everybody. Good night. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Thank you. you you