KILL TONY - KILL TONY #139

Episode Date: January 16, 2016

Doug Benson, Sarah Tiana, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 01/04/2016 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, what's up guys? This is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Tony Hinchcliffe's brand new comedy special, his first one, is on Netflix. That's right, Netflix. That's crazy. Check out Tony Hinchcliffe One Shot, recorded live from the Ice House in Pasadena, California. It's right now on Netflix, available for streaming for free. So check it out. Also, don't forget to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com, for all his tour dates and merchandise.

And DeathSquad.tv for everything else Death Squad, including my new podcast, What Brian Redband Do, and Verbal Violence. So check out DeathSquad.tv. Don't forget to subscribe to us on iTunes. You can either subscribe to us on itunes you can either subscribe to kill tony on itunes or you can subscribe to death squad which has all the podcasts that we do here at death squad and last but not least don't forget to check out our tour date calendar by going to death squad dot tv and clicking on tour dates to find out where we are next

and shop squad dot tv for the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Randall. Coming to you live from the Road Famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 3. Give it up for Tony Hedges. Hi, everybody. Here we are.

Wow, we did it again. Another fun Monday night. Hi, everyone. Make some noise. We're a live audience on a Monday night. We are live. And keep it going for the great musical stylings. You've heard them.

You love them. It's Pat Reagan, everybody. And our house artist, Ryan J. Ebeld, who's going to draw tonight's episode. Clap for Ryan, everybody. He draws every episode. Starts out a plain sheet of paper, and somehow he gets us all in there and figures it out. All of his works at RyanJEbeld.com. Amazing stuff.

And Brian Redband! What's up, guys? And Josh Martin, everybody! There he is, fresh off of some kind of Alaskan crab boat or something like that. So here we are, and we're back on another lovely Monday.

It's always fun, always good to be home. But I fly back out tomorrow. I'm going to New York City for something crazy and then I come back again. But I'm going to be headlining New York City at Caroline's for you people that are listening to this podcast right now.

Live anywhere near New York City or maybe you even live a few hours away. Maybe you live in the tens of hours away. Go to New York City the first weekend of February. I'm headlining there for the first time at Caroline's. Tickets are somewhere.

That's great, man. So what else, Brian? This Wednesday, we have a Death Squad secret show. And also Death Squad's going to Brea, California with George Perez. We're going to have a bunch of Death Squad guests on that show.

There you go. For you Latinos, they're going to be in Brea for the Latino podcast listeners an hour outside of LA. Alright. Pat, how are you? I'm doing good, man. Welcome back. You missed your flight last week. Yeah, I misread an email

and then showed up three hours late and then they told me I couldn't get on the plane because it was already at its destination. Oh. Yeah, that's sort of, yeah, it's hard to get on that plane. Yeah. They were nice, though. Southwest, you know, that's the way to go.

Really? You a big Southwest fan? Hell yeah. People love Southwest. I love Southwest. It's amazing. They really have turned their shit around the last few years, huh? Yeah, when we landed, the attendant sang Silent Night.

That's the only problem is they always sing and have those silly songs that they sing. I mean, they try really hard. They're like on. They're like doing comedy bits. What do you mean? One out of every three flights, they sing. No, they don't. Yes, they do.

That's what Black Girls sang, Silent Night. Acapella over the intercom on the flight? Yeah, right when we touched down wow was it was it christmas it was december 23rd that's a little creepy i mean you know i don't know you wait you know joey diaz we once were on a flight and uh they led us on american airlines we said we were in a band and Joey Diaz, over the intercom, did Biggie. No one cared.

That seems illegal as fuck, letting Joey Diaz sing Biggie on American Airlines flight, in the middle of the flight. That does sound pretty terrible. Put your hands together for Jamie Vernon, everybody, back there on the HD camera. Everybody always forgets about little Jamie back there.

The hardest working guys in show business. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what, you crazy motherfuckers? Every single week I surprise you with two of the best comedians in the world. They always sit here and be hilarious and talk to us

and these brand new comedians. Some of them established comedians that sign up to do 60 Seconds. We always have the best guests. I take great pride in it because I always book the guests for this show. And I'm so fucking good at it. And tonight's one of those nights where I really get to bask in my glory because I have booked this so well that I don't even have to do anything for the rest of the show. Anyway, put your hands together for two

of my favorite comedians. It's Doug Benson and Sarah Tiana, everybody. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. How about that? Sarah Tiana, Doug Benson. You can tell which one's which.

Which one's great at balancing? You might have been wondering, I wonder how high Doug Benson is tonight. He likes to show you before he even grabs the microphone. I'm about this high tonight. I love it. It's great to be here. Sarah, use your microphone voice. Hey, sorry. Hello, everybody. Hello. Welcome. Thank you. How's it going? It's good. I have red wine. Doug has water and sparkling water. He has water and sparkling tequila.

That's what that is. We've got a large blade on the table. Yeah. So that always makes for a fun night out. Well, actually, we've locked it in. It doesn't come out anymore. We had to super glue it for legal issues. I'd love to see like a Quentin Tarantino movie where a guy goes to whip

out his sword and kill the other guy and it's super glued in. And he's like, ah, kill Tony. And then he gets his head cut off. That'd be great. That'd be a great promotion it sounds like for the show. I think so. So you guys know how it works. You're two of my most used guests. Two of my favorites. Thank you. Two of it works. You're two of my most used guests.

Two of my favorites. Thank you. Two of the best. Two of the most used. Yeah. Yeah. Just fucking. In very many ways.

Yeah. Just dirty, filthy, used up guests. Very used up. I like it like this. Doug, you were talking about Pat Reagan playing music before the show. I was. I was saying like, does the audience dig it? And you said, yes, they do.

That's why we do it. Do you guys have fun when Pat plays all the songs before the show? He played that one a little extra hard just to defend himself. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for wearing shoes tonight and not flip flops. I'm very impressed with you. Yeah.

No problem. Been cleaning up. Looks like an adult. He left his... Oh, forget it. Why did you take that wrapper off? Why? Yeah.

Of the water. Because I do not promote whatever company it is that makes that water. You could just turn it around. And we're on... You're right. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? This is fucking wild. Let's do it, guys.

I love it, yes. Tito's Vodka. Let's do this? This is fucking wild. I love it. Tito's vodka. Let's do this. I don't promote. Tito's. Let's go. Wow. This is crazy.

This guy got up last week. Oh, yeah. Comedians, you know how it works. You get 60 seconds. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Oh, you can barely hear that little kitty. Can we hear it again, maybe? That was me.

Oh, you can just jump in if you don't like, if you're bored. It's so low that people don't even recognize the sound. There it is. That was a good one. That means wrap it up then, guys. Don't go over your time. We're all sure going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. On a motorcycle. It's On a motorcycle.

It's like a motorcycle. Just drove by the store. Not so angry tonight. That might be the most mellow bear that we've heard out of them all. I don't mind. I'll do the cat. You do the bear. And yeah,

so when I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds. And I already pulled one name out of the bucket. And what's crazy about this guy is he got up last week, and I gave him a very blown-up, huge introduction about how he literally is the only person that I've ever pulled out of this bucket that every time has batted 1,000% on jokes. Oh, that's pressure. A lot of pressure.

I said this last week, and you know what he did? Did it again. He batted a thousand. Now I've given him this intro. Now I'm giving him this intro, which puts him in a horrendous position. This means we're going to see if it really shines, or is

it possible? He is the Goldberg of this show. Undefeated. All home runs. Every time he's stepped up to the plate. Let's see what happens this time. This is a great way to kick off this show. Undefeated. All home runs. Every time he's stepped up to the plate. Let's see what happens this time. This is a great way to kick off the show. Periods together from Matthew Maloney, everybody. There he is.

My fucking grandpa died last night. I'm not making this up. This actually happened. My grandpa fucking died last night. Last night, my mother got a call from my aunt letting her know that their father, my grandpa, fucking died. And nobody cared. Nobody gave a shit. This piece of

asshole treated my mother and my grandmother like nothing but pieces of shit for his entire life. Total messed up man. This is how my mother decides to break the news to us. Still on the phone with my aunt. Hold on one second.

Carl's dead! What? Carl's dead! She called him Carl. His name was Dennis. I only ever met him once, and he wasn't mean to me, but he never gave me any money, so fuck him.

Boom. Matthew Maloney. Unbelievable. I'm guessing that this is all true, that your grandpa really died. What was it? Did you say last night? Yeah, last night. Wow.

Very passionate. Matthew, you seem really worked up. This is a very new set. Matthew. So it's not all together yet. Matthew, yeah, you were,. This is a very new set. Matthew. So it's not all together yet. Matthew, yeah, you were like really intense. You seemed pretty emotional. Did you have like a family tragedy or anything?

I did, Pat. Good one. Did you really, do you not like your grandpa? I never knew him. Like I said, I only met him once. And everything I heard about him, not a great guy. Oh, so you never met him? Met him once.

Met him once. Met him once. How old once. Met him once. How old were you? Sorry. Middle school area. That's an interesting age to meet a grandpa. How did he come across to you?

Like, you know how it is when you've just heard about someone and how much of a piece of shit they are? Wow. When I met him,

he's just this weak old man who could do nothing, but I've been told stories about how he kidnapped my mother after like a... He what? He kidnapped my mother after their parents split up. Isn't that what a dad's supposed to do? No?

Alright, lost everybody? Okay. I don't know all these details. I wasn't there. I can't fully tell the story. Is this the guy that you introduced with all that talk about the... Did I mess up, Doug? No.

You know, I think you're an interesting personality. I did better last week. Well, of course. That thing that he did to you was terrible. Yeah. I know. But you overcame it. And I've been obsessed. The entire time you were on, there was like a drink order going over in the corner.

And I thought, what would I do as a comic if for my ever did a performance where my entire set had a waitress talking to the customers the entire time right and this guy what's your name again Matthew Maloney nice to meet you Doug nice to meet you full name

Matthew did you notice that that was going on the entire time you were on? No, not at all. You were just all focused. It's what a professional does, Doug. Right. Well, it's, you know. Wow, he almost walked off the stage after that one.

Yeah, why did you drop the mic while you were at it? Oh, wait. Oh, the horse of truth coming out. What is that? I've never. Is that really a thing? The horse of truth? What does it mean that? I've never. Is that really a thing? The horse of truth? Yeah.

What does it mean? It means that he said something true. I'm not a professional. It's not true. But it is what a professional does, so I guess it is. And what does that mean? Is that the cow of fate? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, first of all, I loved you on How to Make a Murderer. You're making a murderer. You're fantastic. Three How to Make a Murderer. You're making a murderer. You're fantastic. Three How to Make a Murderer jokes in a row on Kill Tony. Three in a row. We did it. I haven't been here to see you.

The murderer thing's been around for three weeks. We've had Make a Murderer. I said it one week, and then Tony told me to say it the following week. Here's the thing. That became a thing so suddenly. Does he really look that much like him? No. I said it one week and then Tony told me to say it the following week. Here's the thing. That became a thing so suddenly. Does he really look that much like him? Well, I think we unmade a murderer tonight is what happened.

Well, what I'd like to say, though, is that I thought. The two hand of annoyingness. Let me just say that. I want to see a special that's a makeover of making a murderer. And when he gets exonerated, then they give him a new hairdo. Go ahead, Sarah. Sarah Tiano, ladies and gentlemen. I thought that your set was interesting,

but it would have been more powerful had you not been shouting at the beginning. I thought if you just came up here and started talking about how your grandpa died last night and it was this horrible thing. We like quiet comedy. It's not that I don't like shouting. It's a balance. He took charge. These people were talking. They were ordering pina coladas. He didn't even notice it. I think if you would have said he was a fucking asshole louder at that point, that would have said because he's a pro he was a fucking asshole louder where's the truth that would have been a little bit more like that would have been a nice twist and that's

where i could have gotten a bigger i see what you're saying i agree dial it down a little bit but also like he's you know he has a minute and you know he was the audience was just told that they're all gonna come shit in their pants yeah but also remember that sometimes when comics yell it's to cover up for the fact of like not hearing laughter it's like a defense mechanism so being able to embrace the quiet is super powerful so if you can come up here and keep your voice down a little bit and then say something loud then you then you're captivating it is come on truth okay now there's a truth cat this is confusing yeah it's all very it's a truth that's true though like if you see people shouting

on stage then you're like I'm not to say that you always do that or anything I just thought that that particular bit would have been more powerful to use it divisively you know what I mean that's your acting background in you because you're very dramatic on stage I think there's something

else going on I remember when I saw you walking through the streets of New York at the end of Ghostbusters. All the way back then, I'm like, this fucking guy has acting chops. Don't listen to these guys. Stay puffed, my man. Boom. There he goes

Matthew Maloney everybody Come on Nice to meet you Matthew I put way too much pressure on him He's on Twitter At Matthew E. Maloney I feel like his intensity I feel like his intensity

He was super intense But it was caused by Taking the bullet And that intro A lot Yeah a little bit Sure Sometimes

Shit's not easy. And he had a long walk to the stage. That's where you really amp up Eminem, you know? Yeah, everybody that's in this bucket should stand right here. Just be ready. How about this? This looks like a new name. Gary Curtis, everybody. Come on.

Gary Curtis. I miss college, y'all. College was amazing. It was just that school part that was terrible. You know? I can't lie. When I graduated college, I thought I was better than everybody that didn't. Like, if you didn't go to college, you couldn't even tell me the weather.

People would be like, yo, it's cold outside, you should probably put a jacket on. I'd be like, bitch, I got a degree, what do I need with a jacket? They'd be like, yo, but it's 40 degrees. I'm like, what the fuck do you know about a degree? Now I got older, I realized that the only difference between me and those people is that I'm about $40,000 more in debt than they are. Looks like I realize that the only difference between me and those people is that I'm about $40,000 more in debt than they are. Looks like I lost that battle. I just wish somebody would have told me that that's what life would have been before it's like hand. I would have saved my $42,000. Yeah, I mean, she's got to add a couple thousand for the abortions. Yeah, them shits add up. I mean, don't get me wrong.'m pro-choice I just always make sure they made the right choice

There you go 55 seconds of Gary Curtis Fuck yeah Gary How'd you make sure they made the right choice I'm asking for a friend You gotta Cosby them How old are you Gary? 27 How long have you been doing stand-up? Two How old are you, Gary? 27.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years. Where are you from? Jersey. Nice. How long have you been in L.A.? Two and a half years. Two and a half years.

You got a good swagger. Like, I like your confidence on stage. It's like very, like, it makes me relax when I see you take the microphone. Like, sometimes people take a mic and I'm like, oh, God, this is going to be bad. Sometimes they just start yelling, my grandpa! Yeah! No, but I thought when you took the mic, you took command

and I just felt like, oh, I'm relaxed. He looks like he's in control. He's going to entertain me and I'm going to enjoy this. So I like the way that you started. I like the way that that sounded. Okay, goodness. I don't need an abortion. Go ahead and like each other.

A new abortion coming up here. Yeah. Wow. I've never seen a guy impregnate one of the panel members before. It's just their words, but I'm pretty sure you just got psychologically cream-pied. Do you think anybody's ever said, I'm going to get an abortion? Abortion. Abortion.

L-O-L. I'm going to get an abortion? Abortion. LOL. I'm off to an abortion. And they're like, are you buying a Porsche? I'll call you later because I'll need a ride. Appreciate it. Oh, yeah. You would have to have a lot of abortions to start using that word. Yeah, it would have to become rather commonplace.

This week's abortion. Off to do it. Getting my nails done. I found a place that does both. Borscht's and pedis. I meant nails did. You seem like a good

looking guy. A lot of swagger. You don't have a steady girlfriend right now? I actually do. How long have you been in that? A year and a half. Wow. Cool. What does she do? She's a personal assistant. Ooh la la. To what? To an actress. Ooh, can

you say what actress? I shouldn't. I'm so excited. Tell me. Tell me. Give me a clue. If I guess it, can you nod yes? Yeah, sure. Okay, so give me a clue. If I guess it, can you nod yes? Yeah, sure. Okay, so give me a clue. She's an actress. We can name that actress in three movies. In three movies?

Well, it might not be a movie actress. Oh, yeah. She's a big movie actress. She's a BMA, you guys. Okay, so can you name three movies? I'll put you on the spot. We're not going to do this. Just say one. No.

Is that a good movie? Where did you go to school? University of Pittsburgh. See, I believe all of your stuff about the degree and then you said the abortion thing and I didn't believe it. I felt like it was a cop out at the end of your joke for an easy laugh. I felt like you could have kept

going with the degree stuff because everybody has that pain of like paying back student loans. I also have the pain of taking girls to get abortions. Okay. Oh wow. Yeah but I feel like getting into that. He's right. Men have it worse in those situations. Have you

seen the magazines in the waiting room? Dreadful. Why were you in the waiting room? Did you have to sit next to her and hold her hand? Like that vacuum cleaner thing? Oh, stop. Brian. Have you ever been to a car wash?

Brian? I was not that involved. If you want to save money, a dust buster has a reverse function. But it didn't seem believable. Why would you want to blow dust into her? It just kind of came out of nowhere. And I felt like it was a whole...

If that's really happened to you, that should be the whole bit. As opposed to just bringing it up lightly and then moving on. You might encounter people that also, like, when you say I made or have an abortion, I figure out how to make or have one. It's like, you know, we all know in this room

that you're not a bad person or anything, but it feels... I mean, our babies tell our about it. It feels... Well, that's one thing. I mean, I didn't do it. That's one thing, but then, you know, to make it sound like you, like, you know, were, like, made or do it, you know it's probably not something you want to stay away from. Also, you said you have $40,000 in debt in college,

so what's another couple thousand dollars for abortion? Let's do the math. Come on, $2,000 to get rid of that fucking kid? Why the hell not, man? I was on your side. But that $40,000, that's the thing you should, and you probably have. You only had a minute.

You think they charge by the baby for abortion? Yeah, if you have triplets, it's more money. It's not like they hold hands when they're coming out. They have to scoop three of them out. Hey, listen, bad news. We had to pull out three. Is there an abortion doctor here tonight? It's going to be extra.

A little extra for your abortion. Happy New Year, everybody. That's a legit question. Gary, how many abortions do you think you've had? I've had none. There you go. Make love to nuns and then you'll be

in good shape. I'd say explore. I think the college tuition $40,000 thing is very super relatable because most of society is being you know, especially people coming out to comedy clubs have been fucked over

by that process. Like, you know, it really is kind of crazy that at the end of college you know what you know more than you did before you went into college? How to go to college. And then you may have picked up some knowledge

along the way that's helpful, but it's probably in an area that you're already fascinated by and didn't need classes. You'll need classes to get up and do what you just did. Right? And you can keep doing it without classes. In a way, the student loans is

more meaty than the abortion in a way pretty sure doug just had a I'm just steering him that was my impression of the first 90 minutes of hateful eight it's a lot of talking that doesn't necessarily go anywhere. I'm just steering him towards the college thing I think is a better subject. Right. And I mean, you know, it's like if your college was good, then

you should have that shit paid off immediately. You know, so it's almost like they're not doing their job. Like, well, I mean anybody who owes money to a college. If I owed $40,000 to Pittsburgh, then the college should be on

the line for that money. They only get it back if you get employed and make that money. Yeah, exactly. I was watching Futurama today and they referred to college as expensive daycare. That's what it is. And also, Gary, you're pretty like a woman's pretty.

Do you know what I'm saying? I hit on you last time. He did. He hit on me last time. Is that real? Is that a normal thing? I just think you're likable. You don't need to talk about – if you're going to talk about the abortions, it needs to be in a whole different likable manner.

I think you're already likable. You don't need to bring that up. It is true. You're telling a girl that she has to make the right choice. I think you're already likable. You don't need to bring that up. It is true. Telling a girl that she has to make the right choice. How would you do it if you were going to convince a girl? Persuasively. How did you do it?

She just used the right words. You guys both agreed. That's the truth. He convinces her to agree. You just say you have Down syndrome in your family. No, I feel like the way men... My sperm is really stupid.

I don't know how it found its way into... I feel like the way men convince women to get an abortion is just by praying so much that she wants an abortion, too. Right, that she just starts to feel it like a voodoo doll or something. If you just think it of enough, she starts to go, you know what, maybe I'm leaning

that way. Oh, dude, do you think there are voodoo abortions? Voodoo fetuses, yeah. Like a voodoo doctor sticks a pin in a stomach of a voodoo doll and then aborts a fetus. Anyone with me on this? No.

Nobody at all. Absolutely not. Nobody. Great job, though. Great job. Finally, the word fetus came up tonight. It's been an elephant in the room. That's the word of the night is fetus.

So a lot of people don't know that. Gary, it was nice meeting you. Fun times. He's on Twitter at GKurtCSB. Gary Curtis. There he goes. Smooth as fuck. I like the tennis shoes, jeans, hoodie, and jacket over it look.

Guys, you guys all want to suck his dick. Why don't you just go follow him? Everybody's in love with Gary Curtis. My joke was I'm wearing all those things. Yeah, you suck his dick. Why don't you just go follow him, man? Everybody's in love with Gary Curtis. My joke was I'm wearing all those things. Yeah, you like his style. But I don't have the pretty face that he... Oh, Pat's trying to buy him a

drink now. Pat's trying to get him liquored up. Pat is really going to get him drunk and get that lady face home tonight. I think Pat thinks that Gary's Drake. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This name is definitely new. Put your hands thinks that Gary is Drake. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This name is definitely new.

Put your hands together for Faye Love. Oh yeah. What's up? I just came out of the woods on a 10-day meditation. And it was great. They have you sitting there meditating for 10 days, and they feed you what they want to feed you. And there's a lot of beans and lentils and prune juice and tea. and there's a lot of beans and lentils and uh prune juice and tea so i'm up in there like doing my meditation getting all like it's like an orchestra of farts going on while i'm trying to meditate it was great and then um

i was thinking to myself what is the cooking stuff trying to do here like see how much they can mess with you you know what i mean so one day i walk in there and it's prune juice and orange tea with um black beans and rice and literally everybody had diarrhea that day i was cracking up, that's my life. Fuck yeah. 55 seconds. Fade love. How's it going? It's good.

Good stuff. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it for a while now. Actually, I just came back into it. I started when I was younger, and then I started doing other things. So I would say I've been doing stand-up for like 10 years. Love that. All right.

How long have you been an alien from the Men in Black movies? You recognize me. Good question. You recognize me. You recognize me. Wow. This is the part where the cane turns into a spaceship and she flies away. Faye, where are you from?

I'm from Michigan, Detroit. Oh, nice. Yeah. What? Motel. Faye where are you from? I'm from Michigan, Detroit Oh nice Motel You've been smelling shit your whole life Exactly I felt right at home So where were you when this meditation thing was happening? I was up in Occidental California

I just came out of the woods Just started talking That's why when you called me I was like I gotta say something You were in the woods? Yeah, it was up in Occidental, like two hours north of Sacramento. I mean, San Francisco. So, yeah.

What were you doing in the woods? Farting around. Farting around. Are you usually that gassy? Are you a gassy person in general? Actually, let me clarify. Was that realistic? Let me clarify. I saw what was me clarify. I saw what was going on. I saw

where the cooks was going with it. Ryan, come on. So I didn't eat as much as the beans and fruits and rice, but everybody else was getting down, and they were treating it like a buffet. I'm so confused right now. So you're at some place that's

meant for meditating? Exactly. And you weren't speaking. And they were feeding people beans. That's what I'm saying. I gotcha. And then you went to meditate and everybody else is farting or you're farting? No, I'm listening to these beautiful fart

orchestra. It was beautiful. It was just in the round. I'm in my zone and we were just in touch with nature so you're saying that a lot of other people around you yeah I managed to hold on to my okay I lie I I did you know perpetuate a little bit of the fart sound effects but okay did you just download that? Yeah, I downloaded a fart board. It's a fart board. Can you play other ones? They can get more sounds. I would rather have that in my basement.

You want to hear a gentle fart? I'd rather hear multiple farts right now. Here's a gentle fart. That's a good one. That's someone's mouth, dude. Someone's doing that with their mouth. Yeah, someone got paid for this. Quick fart.

That's Reggie Watts. All right, what's a sustained fart? I like to do... Oh, is it on there? Sustained? Because I can do a pretty long one. I can do a pretty long one if you want to hear a really long one. Let's hear it, Doug.

Let's hear it. All right. Roll up the... That was like arousing See what you've done I love it I love it. I love it. Oh, he's still going. What's this supposed to be again?

It's part of the history. This is the longest joke Doug's ever done. All right. I want to know. There it is, the longest fart. I love that. Let's call Guinness and start drinking. What I have to say is I think you walk up and you're talking about going on a meditation retreat.

You obviously seem like this cerebral, strong, powerful woman. And then you did a fart joke. I know. And it was very weird. I know. Yeah, if you said it more like if you explained it more like you were telling. Instead of doing sound effects, I think it would work. But when you just break out in a fart noise, it's weird.

Yeah. I mean, you meditate a lot, huh? You seem like a peaceful, you seem like someone that like. Pure divine energy. Trust in Joshua Tree or something like that. you meditate a lot huh you seem like a peaceful like you seem like someone that like you know divine energy you know trust in joshua tree or something like that yeah you seem like a good spirit right like if i was gonna do mushrooms for the first time i'd be like you'd be a good person i'll be your guy yeah i'll be your guy spirit guy do you ever talk about things like that like you have jokes about this other stuff that you find in meditation

that doesn't just have oh yeah I never ever did a fart joke like that before it was just I was just talking about outside and it was funnier when I was talking about it and then when I walked in here it was on the tip of my but also you are parting with your mouth just kills and it confuses you but you also walked up on stage with a cane and you didn't bring that up. Oh, I brought it up before. Oh, okay.

Like in 2009? No, I actually just... I mean, this just happened. My spirituality and walking the path and having this presence of seeing the God Almighty. That's how I actually became...

I was paralyzed for four months this year. Wow. And it was just spontaneous. And you couldn't fart? Actually... Well, that's an honest question, Candy. It is. Actually, I'm trying to think about...

The gas was there, but I was not... The gas was building up up and it was there. But as far as like, yeah, I created. I'm so crazy that I actually manifested an autoimmune and paralyzed my spine. And I swear I couldn't move. Did you try healing crystals? Actually, I did. Did you try Billy Crystal?

Billy Crystal. Did you try Billy Crystal? Billy Crystal. And Billy Crystal. And Billy Crystal. I did a lot of laughter. Billy Crystal laughed. Where's your dad at? Didn't you have your dad here last time? Last time I was funnier because my dad was with me.

That's right. Actually, no. Your dad just came up and just started killing. It was great. Yeah. It was insane. What's he dressed like? Bill Cosby. She seems art directed to me.

Like she's got a really together look. Yeah. Is that like your only outfit? Like do you rock other things? Are you like one of those comedians that like rocks the same stuff every night? Or do you always wear the... This seems like this is your winter wear, right? Okay, so this is my uniform.

This could be pretty much jeans and a t-shirt. It's pretty much my uniform, I guess, with a hat. Do you have multiple canes or just one? No, I just only have my Moses staff with me as we part the Red Sea. Is that a common thing? You ever see a dick like that? You don't want to touch it.

You ever see a dick like that? You want to stop talking. Dick to the guitar. That is a very, he's right. That is a simple woman's guide to a dick you don't want to touch. It's one that is very multi-colored. It has a lot of bumps on it. It's very long. guide to a dick you don't want to touch is one that is very multi-colored. It has a lot of bumps on it.

It's very long. You can walk with it. I worked as a massage therapist. $40. A little higher. A little higher than that. I was talking about the tip. Yeah, I get higher. A little higher than that. I'm a more... Cheap as fuck. No, no, I was talking about the tip. Yeah, I get tips.

Nice tips. What about the whole thing? $40, $80, $120? $500 tips. How many roses are we talking about? Oh, my God. Yeah, I'm a massage therapist, and I do spoken word and all that stuff, too. Spoken word massage?

Ooh. Mind massages. Talk me through it. I see the light in your body right now. Follow it as it glows and fills. That stuff is great. Oh my god. As we enlighten you to the next paradigm

of the space, your mind is open. Are you massaging or giving an exorcism? It depends on who my client is. Whoa. Put your hands together for Faye Love, everybody. There she goes.

Thank you. She's on Twitter at Faye Love. F-E-L-O-V-E. There she goes. Did we give her any advice at all? No. Sorry about that. Sorry about that. Sorry about that.

You don't have to just... No, I kind of liked it. I don't know. I'm on the fence about it. Don't you think she could just be like, I was gassy, kind of like explain it without having to make fart sounds in the microphone?

I think she's interesting. She just committed to the farts. And her meditation, and that she was paralyzed. That's the interesting thing. Not farts. Yeah, it's too smart of a subject matter to just turn into a fart show.

She looks too smart to talk about farts yeah it's too smart of a subject matter to just turn into a fart joke and she looks too smart to talk about farts it's too fart of a subject matter whereas you look like you should start and finish with fart jokes I tried to do it I used to do a bit in my act where I would just make the fart sound for as long as I could and nine times out of ten

people applaud when I finally stop and then at the end you go and the baby ate my dingo and then you say that at the end And nine times out of ten, people applaud when I finally stop. And then at the end you go, and the baby ate my dingo. And then you say that at the end. Is that true? What? That was one of my favorite jokes of yours. Oh, okay.

I pulled another name out of the bucket, guys. Here we go. Put your hands together for Joe Carl. Joe Carl! Joe Carl! Here he goes. Fuck yeah, here he goes yeah here he comes show carl well any arabs here arabs i'm an arab uh i gotta plea i should be the face of Arab America, though. Right? That's my goal right now. I'm white enough.

All right? Let's not rush things with Khaled or Mahmoud just yet. Joe Carl, how you doing? Nice to meet you. Yeah? I got a southern voice. I'm from Tennessee. I got the voice of a guy that sounds like he says faggot a lot. You can do a whole cut your head off your blue collar comedy tour.

If you get nervous every time you walk past a Jewish bakery with your backpack on, you might be in A-Rab for hours. All right, thanks. Joe Carl, 47 seconds. So you're Middle Eastern? Yeah. What's your nationality? Palestinian. Oh.

Palestinian. Awesome. Did you say that at some point and I missed it? I said Arab. Oh, okay. Well, I think you should start, like, you don't need to ask anybody a question, especially when it's a minute because they're giving control to the audience and you got to be in control. But also

you should just start by saying, I'm an Arab and I'm from Tennessee, which makes me blah, blah, blah. That's your opening joke. Get it out there right away. Which means I hate Arabs too. Whatever the joke is. Or you could say, I just came from my job as a lifeguard

at a pool that's closed for winter. He could say that. Isn't that what he looks like? He does. He looks like he could be on Baywatch. Looks like he's staying warm, but he's a lifeguard. No, but there's no way he could be on Baywatch. He just said, the pool's closed, everybody.

He's like the hairiest lifeguard ever. Yeah, like Arab from Tennessee. So not only do you hate country, you hate this country. There you go. Yeah, I mean there's so many jokes right there and being an Arab from Tennessee.

Death to all of you could be an area you cover. Infidels. I like how your name, you're Arab, but your name is the most fakest name in the whole entire world. Joe Carl. What's your real last name? My last name's Abusaker. What?

Yeah, Abusaker. Why don't you use that? I used to use it, but... Abusaker. Yeah, but then... Is it spelled how it sounds? Like, is it hard for people to pronounce? Yeah, exactly.

Which means every set I ever have to do has to start with the character. Why don't you do like a Louis C.K. and just spell it out. Whatever easier way to pronounce it is. Yeah. A.Z. Joe A.Z.

Joe A.Z. Joe A.Z. That would be cool. I mean, all I'm saying is that your name's Joe Carl and you came up and you sort of look white.Z. Joe A.Z. That would be cool. Something. I mean, all I'm saying is that your name's Joe Carl, and you came up, and you sort of look white. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if you're just an olive Arab or... How long have you been doing stand-up?

About four years. Do you have a turban underneath that hat? What kind of hair do you have underneath that? Do you have, like, terrorist hair? Oh, you look way more Arab with the hat off. Yeah. I honestly think that you have to embrace it. It's the only thing that's going to set you apart. The hardest thing to be in comedy right now is a white guy,

and you don't want to look like a white guy. I'm not kidding. I'm probably the only woman in the world that will probably ever say that, but it's 1,000% true. And if you go by Joe Abouzak, you immediately set yourself apart. And then your name is Joe. That's so Tennessee. And and your last name is abu zaka that's so arab and now you have a joke bucket your first five minutes is just about being an arab from tennessee like that did you almost say he has a joke bucket a bucket a bucket full of jokes a backpack should i have

said backpack i don't know i don't care about what they're put in. I'm just glad you gave them a container. I like it to be a bucket. You got a bucket of fucking jokes, man. Would you like it to be a package with a dynamite stick coming out of it? Now you have a joke package with a... Is Carl your middle name? Yeah.

Oh, there. That's where it came from. Interesting. Nope. He's a rock. A rock? Yeah. A rock? A rock. His name is Rock. A rock. Like R-O-C-K rock. A rock? Yeah. A rock?

A rock. His name is rock. A rock. Like R-O-C-K? Like Rock Hudson? Yeah. Oh, cool. Cool name.

Does the Arab part of you ever make you want to throw your dad? Because he's a rock? Arabs love throwing rocks, guys, for those of you that are... Exactly. There's so much about that. I mean, nobody cares if you... You can throw a rock better than the quarterback at Tennessee,

Marcus Mariota. I mean, that's like... They call the football a rock. You might as well do that joke. There's so much. And are you worried about being Palestinian in Los Angeles? Is that a fear?

No, not at all. Okay, because I used to date a Palestinian for a really long time. Yes. Angeles? Is that a fear? No, not at all. I used to date a Palestinian for a really long time. Yes. That was such a beautiful spit take. Amazing. That reaction was better than any reaction I ever got

out of him. Oh my god. That was so beautiful. You cared more about me in him. Oh, my God. That was so beautiful. You cared more about me in that moment than he ever did. That was beautiful. Oh, he didn't even spit on you? He wouldn't. No, no. Doug was just actually putting out the fuse that Joe Carl lit a minute ago.

Oh. Put out a bomb. Hot fuse, everybody. No, I think you're so lucky in that you have that. By the way, being a Middle Eastern comedian is fucking huge. These guys that,

to be honest with you, aren't that funny. They get to do a lot of crazy shit. There's good ones like Maz. Maz. Yeah, that's good ones like, you know, like Maz and... Maz. Yeah, that's it. Are you kidding? I think Dino Vidala is amazing.

Some good Middle Eastern comedians. Brody Stevens? I think Brody Stevens is the best comedian in the whole entire world. In the world! Yeah, let's get some Brody Stevens lessons! Brody Stevens! Look at this! He's got the same... It's a before and after. He's like Brody Stevens Jr. at this. He's got the same. It's a before and after.

It's like Brody Stevens Jr. up here. We brought future Joe Carl. Look at these two. Yeah. A development deal. A development deal just happened. Yes. Yeah.

It's an after and before. If Brody Stevens was murdered or went missing at 25 and they aged him up, that's exactly what the picture would look like. They're both wearing cotton hats. And jackets and they have their hands in their pockets. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. It's like not even.

When I saw Brody standing in the back, I was like, it's future just arrived. Yes. You will drive a Toyota Camry in 20 years. That your mom used to own. Oh, yeah. Yes, yes, you will. Hey, Brody, could you do one minute right now? Show them how it's done?

Just one minute. Just do one minute. Stay here. No, don't leave me here, hot girl. Okay, okay. Well, you know, I see a lot of movies. I saw the movie Straight Outta Compton. It's about, a lot of people think it's about the band N.W.A.

It's not about the band N.W.A. It's not about the band N.W.A. You know, the history of N.W.A., Eazy-E, he developed AIDS. And I grew up here in Los Angeles, and when that was happening, there was a lot of rumors going around. Is Eazy-E gay? Is he gay? And he had to fight those rumors. And that's what the movie is about.

Straight Outta Compton. Brand new bit. That's a classic bit. N.W. Gay. And I tag it with that. Pretty good, right? No, Doug? You like that one? I thought the movie EZA had AIDS.

There you go. I like that. Could you do a set as an Arab from Tennessee right now? Yeah. What would you say if you were an Arab? What would you say if you were an Arab? If you were from Tennessee? I would say I could throw a football like a rock.

Say that. Or a baseball. I would... What would I say? You don't know. You got a whole lot of stuff with that. Or a baseball. I would... You don't know. You got a whole lot of stuff with that. I'm Jewish, but people think I look Arabic, but I don't say I'm Jewish because I've seen some of those

tapes. They're upset with Jewish people. Brody, are you a big head tetherball player? Yeah. He's working that thing without even saying anything about it. Why is there a ball on my forehead? I don't appreciate that. I've said that so many times.

But you know what? You're lucky that you're... Oh, hello. One ball, one ball. You're lucky to be Palestinian. You're lucky. Yeah, Brody, you just did some work out there, right? What'd you do?

I've done a lot of modeling in Pakistan on the cover of Camel Beat doing a cover shoot out in Chatsworth in the hills out there being Arabic you're good

I like it I can get you a job at TMZ Chicken. Wait, what is it called? Zancou Chicken? All right. Stay with me. I'll turn this periscope upside down.

Put it back in the ocean. No, the deal is you're doing good. Stay positive. I'm just hanging out. I was just in the neighborhood. Back in the ocean, Periscope. Back in the ocean. You got to go with that.

You got a Fitbit on. I like that. Got the jeans. Got the same hat. I'm feeling great. Very positive. Give us a quick recap. Yes.

Recap? I'll us a quick recap. Yes! Recap? I'll give you a recap. I got asked to do two podcasts today. Make it three. And I'm going to do the one after. I'm doing four podcasts today.

That's what I do. And I'll follow Doug home and I'll do five. And I got a Zoom mic in my car. That's what I do. I'm a circus. And I'll follow Doug home and I'll do five. World record. And I got a Zoom mic in my car. That's six. Brody. And I'll follow Redman back to Burbank if it's opened up again because the five got shut down today.

That's why I'm wearing shorts. Afraid to go home. Brody, for all these other podcasts, do you just stand in the back of the room until they invite you up? Or do you get booked before? I had some free time today. Thanks for stopping by the Belly Room! Yeah, it was good. Thanks, guys.

That's a club sweatshirt, right? Two weeks in a row, a special segment that's been added to the show called Defend a Comedian. Last week was Doug Stanhope. This week, Steven Brody Stevens, everybody. Got your back. Defend a Comedian. That's great.

Joe, go back to your original name. Joe Carl, everybody. Go back to it. Thanks, dude. There he goes as well. Good job, man. We're going to keep flying through it. He's on Twitter at Joe Carl underscore AS. Wonder what that AS stands for after the underscore there. I'm Facebook friends AS stands for after the underscore there. I'm Facebook friends with him. I think I know.

Brody, anything you want to promote coming up? Yeah. Okay, here we go. I have seven more podcasts. There's a rumor I may be doing the main room on Wednesday. Okay. Main room Wednesday.

That's not exactly what I meant by promote. Oh, I'm doing LA Riot Fest. Yeah, there you go. Catch him at LA Riot Fest. LA Riot Fest in January. It's going to be in Chicago for a Chicago Cubs convention. He's going to be at a convention for baby bears. Stop by with your favorite baby bear,

and Brody will sign its anus. Oh. Brody. Just a bear. I pulled another name out of the pocket, guys. Here we go. Good luck to this person. I think this is a new name.

One more time for Brody Stevens, everybody. Keep it going for your next comedian. He goes by the name of Tim Spencer. Come on. Alright, thank you. New Year's resolution. This year I'm going to stop scraping the resin out of my bowl,

then taking it to a friend's house, offering hash to throw in. Proper etiquette, common etiquette says that a man should always open the door for a lady, but really this rule comes from a long, long time ago, actually when the majority of buildings had shitty doors. It's a good joke. It's a good joke. Whenever I make love to large women, I look into their eyes the whole time

because the eyes don't get fat. One more. One more. One more. One more. No, I burned my best ones. Come on, one more. One more. One more. One more. No, I burned my best ones. Come on, one more. I didn't get any of those three.

Those were your best ones. Keep going. Do one more. You got a whole book of them right there. Oh, yeah. It's a new book. All right, fine. Tim Spencer.

He's done. There he is. That's really funny. It's a new book with three jokes in it. Where are you from? Florida, Orlando, fine. Tim Spencer. He's done. There he is. That's really funny. It's a new book with three jokes in it. Where are you from? Florida, Orlando, Florida. How long have you been on stand-up? Almost a year.

My first time was on Kill Tony about a year ago. Really? Bad. It was really bad. Well, that's amazing. I love that a year later. I don't remember you from a year ago, but I was going to say regardless, out of

everybody tonight you seem like you were in it you had something to say you weren't using tricks to get a get over anything you were just talking communicating at your speed and it hit it hit across the boards that's so cool that you've only been doing it a year how long have you been in la um almost two years oh okay yeah yeah you would have done 20 more seconds, I would have probably invited you to the Ice House. You did really good. Wow. You only did 40 seconds. You have the book in your hands.

Just do one more. Everybody wants it. I mean, how much material do you have? Just flip it open and pick something random and read it. You can't lose. Earlier this year, I had surgery. I had a tumor cut out of my neck. Going into it, I knew there was a 20% chance

I either had cancer or my face would be paralyzed. So that was a weird thing. I stopped rooting for the underdog during that time. I didn't tell any of my friends. It's a weird conversation to sit someone down and be like, hey, man, I probably don't have cancer. You probably don't either. It's like if we were playing bingo, they'd probably call out B9.

See, it was great up until that very last part. You could have stopped at any point and been fine. Tony, he said he had tumor. Does that mean you have two more jokes? Oh, somehow Pat came in and bombed harder than you did. He just took your bomb and laid on it. Fucking absorbed

the energy from it. Good soldier. Good soldier. Last time, what did you talk about? You said you bombed. It's been a while now. Last time, I'm you talk about? You said you bombed. It's been a while now. Last time, I'm trying to remember. I read it. I did that Doors joke, but worded much worse.

I also thought... I thought you took it back to the lab and did some tinkering. Brought it back here. Shiny and new. I love your poor wording while talking about poor wording, by the way. To bomb Hyland. Shiny and new. I love your poor wording while talking about poor wording, by the way. That was pretty impressive. My wording was much worse poor.

What is your goal with that joke? We call it purding. I want to know what your goal is with that joke, though. What is your goal with that joke? Like, what are you trying to say? Because doors used to be, like, pieces of shit. Yeah, that's why the guys had to open them. Because they were, like, forged hinges. Maybe guys had to open them because they were forged hinges.

Maybe you could explain that they were huge metal castle doors. You could even explain they were huge iron doors. So are you against holding open doors for women now? Yeah. Why? Doors are really easy to open. I don't cut their stage.

Come on, ladies. Do you have a girlfriend? Open a goddamn door once in a while. What about chivalry, dude? What do you think about chivalry? What do you think about opening... Well, it's not dead. It was married.

Do you have a car? Do you ever have a date and you open her door when she gets in the passenger seat? I only date girls that can open doors. Wow. Whoa. Okay, so you also date girls that you let them pay for dinner and they pay half and you're a big douche Do you really feel that way about doors I have like this preoccupation now that that's how you really feel about doors and that seems

Like I can tell you how much quicker you'll get laid by opening up a door Have you seen the movie sliding doors? Tim what do you do for work a PA? Climbing doors. Tim, what do you do for work? A PA. Just a PA, just chilling, like you're working a lot? That's what it is.

He's sick of opening doors. Carrying coffee and doing things for women that he doesn't like. Do you like the music of Jim Morrison? What's your longest relationship? Two years. You have giant hands. You should have a girlfriend right now. If it weren't for your mouth, I bet you would.

Oh, do girls run into that? Like, oh, I want that giant hand inside me? It makes a difference. It makes a difference. Tim, tell us something cool about yourself that could win you over to Sarah Tiana. Give her something that might make her even be somewhat enticed to a guy like you. What are your positives?

I live on a yacht. Technically, yeah. By yourself? I live on a boat, yeah. By yourself? By myself. Boom. Good job.

Talk about that. Sarah just got double pregnant. Abortion. But he's going to make me get an abortion. Do you have jokes about that. Sarah just got double pregnant. Abortion. But he's going to make me get an abortion. Do you have jokes about that? Yeah. Living on a boat?

What's your joke about living on a boat? He's saving those for another important one-minute set. How long you lived on the boat? Two years this March. Wow. So you're basically a captain of this pirate. Do you ever take it out off the dock? Yeah, if I can plug a mic, I do on my boat every Saturday. You do an open mic on your boat?

On the boat? Yeah. That's a good time. That's so great. I'd love to have you, Doug. I'd love to do it. You're never going to do it. How big is the boat?

But Sarah will do it. 27 feet. Like 15 people, max. how big is the boat? but Sarah will do it 27 feet like 15 people max wow oh yeah that's awesome no way I'm gonna do that boat at boatmike

on twitter if you wanna go do it anybody that's cool I think that sounds awesome that sounds fun that sounds super fun

yeah let's make a day of it yeah let's boatmike I'll ride some money. I'll ride with you. Oh, yeah. I love that.

So you're out there. You go out on the Pacific, and you have this little... No, it's on the Atlantic. That's where it's voted. That's the bad part. So you take people out there. You pack it out, 15 people. Come back with seven. Yeah, exactly.

Do people fish and stuff, or do you have to pay attention to the show? It's distracting. It's usually good. We just putt around in Marina del Rey. The water's super calm. There's no one else out. Oh, yeah. They search for the body of Natalie Wood.

It's quite a whole experience. Do you get pulled over a lot on the boat? Is that a thing where they go on top of your boat and look for drugs and shit like that? What? Pull over, your jokes suck. Not too often. You're bombing from across the Pacific right now.

This is the Coast Guard. Somebody throw him a life raft. We don't mind the noise, just don't do your jokes specifically. Oh, a little owl out there in the ocean. Tim, what's the craziest kind of porn that you've climaxed to? Great question, Tony. Thank you.

Welcome to 2016. Probably some tentacly hentai thing. Oh, tentacly. Youai thing. Oh, tentacle. Fuck yeah. Keep it with the boat thing. Yeah, once you're on the boat, Mike, everything becomes... Do you know the reason for tentacle porn? I feel like I don't.

It's because they can't show penises going into vaginas in Japan, so they had to make... It's like a loophole. You can get fucked by a big tentacle, but you can't get fucked by a dick. So that's how they... Because if it gets fucked by a big tentacle, but you can't get fucked by a dick. So that's how they... Because if it gets fucked by a dick, they have to blur it out.

But when you're watching it, how do you pretend it's your tentacle? Go! I was going to say it'd be more romantic if the tentacle was just on my neck. Do you ever... When you're out there on the boat, do you ever catch any... Do you ever get any octopussy? Do you ever get any pussy?

Oh yeah. Do you ever fuck a fish? Do you ever get any octopussy? Do you ever get any pussy? Do you ever fuck a fish? It's lobster season. I dive for lobsters. Really? Do you get fucking lobsters? Do you dive for lobsters? Open with that! Open with that! By the way, that's the fucking way to get chicks. You don't have to open a door

again if you dive for fucking lobsters. If I could dive in the ocean and kind of like, check this shit out. I know. I have a boat. I dive for lobsters. It's like, okay. And why am I moving in? And by the way, you can add all that shit to the doors thing or lose the front end of it.

Jokes change a lot to where sometimes you start with one thing and that doesn't end up being what you talk about at all. You could talk about how you are cool at things so you don't have to do other things you know like you have a strict no door opening thing and it's because you fucking dive for lobsters and like give other fun facts i disagree i think you're so charming that when you start talking about not opening up doors for women you become like this kind of jerk. Like you're so charming and everyone's in it and then I feel like you just

immediately take half the room away from you. You don't need to do that. You should say that you don't open doors for women because they're heavy and you can't do it. Like make fun of yourself in some way. Do you close the door behind you or something? Like it seems like you really make a point. You only open

If a woman tries to get me to open the door I punch or something? It seems like you really make a point. You only open... If a woman tries to get me to open the door, I punch her in the face. I even leave the door open when I'm going to the bathroom. That's how much I hate closing doors. Have you ever experimented with a dolphin? Maybe like...

What about... If you're on a boat in the sea, you're probably going to start fucking fish. Coolest thing you ever found around the ocean or in the water or anything? Door. A big American flag. I kept it.

It's probably from that Joe Carl guy. It had some bird feathers on it. Made me question keeping it, but I kept it. You don't open doors, but maybe that's because you raise it above. So, like, do you open hatches?

I have a question for you. Do you open hatches? Yeah, yeah. It's because they never know how to open the hatch. So it makes sense to open it for them. Thank you. I'm glad I asked that question. So you do open hatches. I love that.

I love that. So So you do open hatches. I love that. I love that. So Sarah, would you ever let this guy catch lobsters for you? In the beginning you hated him. You said, fuck you for not opening doors. I think he's charming, but I actually don't believe him that he wouldn't. I don't think that he's...

I would. I open doors because it's awkward if I don't. I don't think it makes sense. Why? Because they're really easy to open. What you do is you hang back. Then that's what you have to say. Hey, dinner is really easy to cook for you,

but I could do it for you just because it was the nice thing to do. Yeah, it's all about the time. You know what I mean? Back rubs are super easy, but I'll give you one because it's awesome. Wait, but you're going to do those as often as people walk through a door? Yes!

I don't believe that. Deal, deal. You haven't dated me. That's too much work for you. You haven't dated me. I say take a little time off and open a door. Instead of cooking me a meal,

just open a door. Oh, really? Yeah, I don't care. You'd rather me open my own door than make you dinner and pack your lunch in the morning. I'd open my door for you and I would eat your food.

What are we arguing about? Let's just go home. I'm ready, honey. I'm ready. Tim, you smoke pot? Yeah. You drink a lot, huh? That's like a boating thing, right? Yeah. You get drunk? He's not a sailor. Do you get drunk when you go out on the yacht?

Yes. Every time? Yes. When you do your show? Yes. Who captains the ship? There's always a sober comic or two. You guys love people.

It always is. It's odd. You love people who drive your boat. They all have the marine licenses. You got some boat watchers? Yeah, she'll do it. Dude, we can fucking go drive a boat. She promises to not drink for a whole night.

Yeah, sure. I'll just red wine it. That's not drinking. All right, Tim, there he goes. Tim Spencer, everybody. There you go. Welcome to Kill Tony. He's on Twitter.

Back after a year. Started here. He's living that boat life. That's fucking fun, right? Yeah, that was great news. We know a guy who lives on a boat now. I know. That's so cool.

Very cool. This looks like it might not be a real name. Yeah, it looks fake. Let's just try it anyway. Joling. Joling. Joling. That's weird. I don't. No, that's weird.

I don't know. It just seems weird. I could just get it though. Brian Vokey. I was just back home in Oakland, and I was visiting my family, and I was riding the train, the BART train down there. And I saw my friend was on the other train going the other way, and the doors weren't closing.

The mechanic was saying there's like a delay or something. So I thought I had a chance to go say hi to her. And I was like, hey, Carrie, how's it going? And she's like, not so good. My dad just died. And then the doors closed, and the train just dragged her away. I was like, not so good. My dad just died. And then, poof, the doors closed and the train just dragged her away. I was like, thank fucking God.

Jesus, that was going to be an uncomfortable conversation. You know how many times I wish a train had dragged a conversation away from me? We'd be walking down the street, Brian, Brian Vokey, Duluth High School, remember me? Or they're like, Brody Stevens is here. Thanks.

49 seconds. Fuck yeah, Brian Vokey. Okie dokie. That was smart. That was good. You're fun. Where are you from? I moved from Atlanta to Oakland, LA.

Oh, cool. How long have you been in LA? Since November. Since November. Hell yeah, fairly new. Welcome to Oakland, LA. Oh, cool. How long have you been in LA? Since November. Since November. Hell yeah. Fairly new. Welcome to LA. Thanks.

You know how you can tell how good you're going to be at comedy? Because you didn't just tell just that one story. You added onto it about what futuristically you would want that story to be. And that's the sign of a real comic. When you start adding onto the story and talking about the future and giving examples, beautiful. Thanks. I mean, based on the only minute

or 50 seconds of material I've ever heard him do, he is a good comedian. Yeah. And I mean, too. It was, yeah, it was really good. I remember I loved you as the dad in the Adams family. And for you to... Oh, come on.

Rest in peace, Raul Julia. Yeah. I used to get that, but then I got a little fatter. What do you do for work? I just moved here and I was a teacher. Talking to the mic. I'm a preschool teacher. Oh, that's fun. So you have to tell the kids all the teacher. Talking to the mic. I'm a preschool teacher. Oh, that's fun.

You have to tell the kids all the time, talking to your mic. Yeah, all the time, constantly. How long have you been teaching preschool? I did it for six years. I burned out, man. It's like half those kids are dead by now. Yeah. Wait, who are you?

That's a scary stat. Yeah. And real. Where's who are you? Whoa, that's a scary stat. Yeah. And real. Where's the real horse? I thought your music sounded like Blink-182 covering Neutral Milk Hotel. Dude, you're so observant. That's really good. It's a joke for all you big time music fans out there.

So that's interesting. Preschool, and you just gave it up this past season. Yeah. I was doing comedy out in Berlin for four months. Berlin? Yeah. Arizona? What? No. I'm just joking. Germany, right? Germany. Wow. That's awesome. I was homeschooling an autistic kid

there and then I saved up and now I have enough money to not work for a little bit. An autistic German kid? Yeah. They don't accept autistic kids in their public schools. Hilarious! Do you have jokes about that? That really goes against Germany's reputation of acceptance. What? The Germans?

What? Are you telling me he didn't make the cut? Are autistic German kids obsessed with concentration camp trains? Can somebody please escort him? You almost have the right joke. That's what's sad about that. It's close.

You're so close. It's almost like for an autistic German, it's hard for them to concentrate. Well, autistic kids love trains. You know autistic kids are obsessed with trains. My ex-girlfriend used to work with autistic kids. So you do have jokes about teaching? How are they?

Do you have a short one? I was taking care of their family on the weekend besides teaching them and I was helping change the baby's diaper and the kid ran in and stuck his nose in the kid's asshole and he smelled it really hard. He went, pfft. And I was like, dude, he might shit in your mouth. And he's like, I wish and i was like dude he might shit in your mouth

and he's like i wish i could go back in time and shit in your mouth and i was like you don't need a time machine i mean you're not gonna let you shit in my mouth but you don't need a time machine to shit in my mouth that's just that took a lot of turns yeah it took a lot of turns that was complex comedy. No, but it took turns that I didn't expect, which is what I like. Yeah, that had a real Rubik's field to it. What's the comedy scene in Germany? You know, there's an employee here who, like that guy back there, he can tell you about it.

David Deary. Well, he performs a lot of times down at the Poopin' Mouth. Yeah, the old Poopin' Mouth. Oh, Poopin' Mouth. Man, I would love to go to Germany. It could happen easily and you could get a good show. I could tell you people that could go.

And they all know how to speak English. Not all of them, but the ones who are at the shows. Do you know how to speak German? Nope. So what were you doing teaching this German autistic kid? Were you just like studying English? They were from Israel and they spoke English first. Oh.

So I could have said that a Jewish kid wasn't accepted into their school, but it was more the autistic part. So he was Jewish and German. Yeah. So I wonder if he was born that way or the Germans just beat it into him. You know what I mean? I mean, Jewish autistic, that kind of goes without saying

sometimes, right? Brody, what? No? I mean, Jewish autistic, that kind of goes without saying sometimes, right? Brody? What? No? I'm artistic. How dare you? You don't do that. You don't do that to me. I've been here. I've been watching, listening.

Brody, seriously, man. You can't just run up and grab a microphone. Don't do that to me. These podcast listeners love me. I know. I get lonely. The people can't get enough, but we still got to give other people a chance. I've done comedy in Germany.

On a scale from 1 to 10, I give it a 9. You got it. Thank you. I'll be in the main room on Wednesday, belly room Thursday. Allegedly. Brian, do you want to do the Ice House Friday? Yeah Wow there he goes Ice House booking It happened

From Auschwitz to the Ice House Brian Vokey everybody Making stuff fucking happen What's his Twitter? He's on Twitter at Brian Vokey Brian with an A Why you mean? It's crazy That's his Twitter. I want to follow him. He's on Twitter at Brian Vokey. Brian with an A. Y, you mean.

Brian with an A? It's crazy. How do you spell Brian with an A? B-R-Y. Hipster. Do you naturally hate Y, Brian? Tony, I know how to spell Brian. How do you spell Vokey?

V-O-K-E-Y. V-O-K-E-Y. V-O-K-E-Y. All right. This is the part where we have two regulars who do a brand new minute every single week. They don't get pulled out of the bucket. What they do is a little bit harder and a little bit more extreme because they have to write a brand new minute every single week, which is extremely hard to fucking do. And every week they get mended and bended a little bit every which direction,

and we find out something new, different, and crazy about them. So here we go. Your first regular that writes and performs a brand new 60 Seconds every week. You know her from Kill Tony. You'll love her. Put your hands together for Melissa Esslinger, everybody. Here we go. I went on a Christian binge in 2009, also

known as the year I lost all my friends. Yeah, I started just like doing bumps of Jesus. And yeah, I got baptized when I was a sophomore in college. You can tell it happened in the South because I said I got baptized, which loosely translates to, I talk English real good. Amidst my Bible humping, I transferred to a private Christian school to study film. But I was actually off the Jesus juice by the time I started going to school there. I said the punchline on the wrong side of the joke.

Whoa, cool, thanks. That was amazing. That was truly amazing. That's all right. You got this, girl. Finish it, Melissa. Go ahead with that. That's all right. You got this, girl. Finish it, Melissa. Go ahead. Was that it?

Keep going. The train is way off the track. That's it. Fuck yeah. Melissa Esslinger, everybody. I like it. You're talking about getting into Jesus at some point. So much so that at one point, perhaps the most Christian audience member of all time defended you.

It was like Jesus spoke to her. Yeah, it was. It was pretty amazing. But this shows also that supportive yelling out can also throw somebody off. I mean, she was done. She went punchline in this setup. She would have said it more. So why were you so into Jesus in 2009?

What happened? Well, I was 19, so I was looking for identities to try on, you know. Yeah. Essentially. How'd that work out for you? You went to church regularly? Well, I started, that was when I started ROTC. What's that again?

I don't even know what that is. The military. Rectal. Yeah. And there's a large demographic of christians in the military and also i was in kentucky so it was the bible belt why were you in kentucky they all talked you into it well yeah i mean i was it's influential i went to church when i was in the south because all my friends are going and i told my parents i was like i want to go to church and

they were like okay we'll drive you, and they would drive me and drop me off and come pick me up two hours later. Did you ever go to confession? No, no, no, I didn't go to Catholic church. That's Catholic. I got kicked out of two churches when I was going to Catholic.

You guys believe in black Jesus or white Jesus? Oh, totally white. White? What happened? Are people going to hear this? Oh, my God. What difference does it make, Brian, that I prefer white? I believe in that guy who yelled during the set.

Why were you in Kentucky, though? So, well, I went to college there. I have family there. My dad's originally from there. So where did you go to college? Well, I started in Lexington at UK, and then I transferred to a tiny town called Wilmore. So you started ROTC at UK?

Yeah, my second year there. What branch? Army. Okay. That's why you went to church, because it's the worst. Melissa. Yes. I like that when you were a Christian, you were shaking and speaking in tongues, and

then you got onto that, and now you're shaking and speaking in jokes. Yeah, man. Are you always this nervous? I'm getting better sometimes. She's so much better. You should have seen her back when she was in the Army. Just AK-47 just firing off everywhere. It used to be she'd come out.

I was never in the Army just to make that a record. Michael J. Fox shook a lot. She used to come out and just make a few fart sounds and knock the mic over and then cry in the corner. Oh, okay. Yeah. She's really come a long way. But she's still got some ways to go. But I think part of her charm is like I thought the joke about doing bumps, Jesus bumps,

I thought that part of what made it funny was when you kind of stuttered on it, like you were saying something. Right, yeah, there's no doubt that the nervousness is part of that delivery. It's definitely something that's always going to set you apart. It's part of the charm, but you just got more thrown off this week than normal. And I get it, because Brian Redband looks really good tonight. It's true. He's got his extra suave on over there.

And it's also just hard to talk about Christian stuff. It's hard to keep an audience entertained. It's literally something that is a little bit weird to everybody. And also, it's like the oldest topic, literally, of all time, because it's like the oldest topic literally of all time because it's like religion. Yeah, the words Christian comedy, that's never

a good direction. That's how many people describe Brian Redman. A lot of people say Brian is one of the top Christian comics. I mean, I have faith. I think we all should have faith together from behind. You've got to have faith. I don't really understand why you started to get into Christianity.

Why you started going to church. I didn't get that part. There's a whole lot there that I will have to list. You got a minute every week. Let's tell the story in order. Don't try to Tarantino this shit. What was a major crux that made you just walk into the church? Well, I was super depressed,

and then my roommate upset me on top of school, upset me on top of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I got help and not from anything Christian, but during that time, I don't know, I needed something. You needed direction and you needed structure. And it gave me that. Which military and church always does. My dad was in the Air Force, so I grew up in the military. Okey dokey.

Yeah. Okay. No, but I find that fascinating when you're searching for something and then you end up going to church and then ultimately starting comedy. Yeah. Like that's a fascinating transition.

And almost getting kicked out of the private Christian school I later was. Why'd you almost get kicked out for? Because you have to go to chapel three times a week and I played video games instead. Which are way more realistic. There's your joke. You play video games instead of going to church

because they're way more realistic than the Bible. That's true. There she goes, everybody. A brand new minute for Melissa Eslinger. We have one other regular. She's our newest one. A few weeks in as a regular. I believe this is both of your first times seeing the new regular.

I've seen her. You have? Okay. Well, this is Sarah Tiana's first time. And Sarah Tiana, as everybody knows, is our head of female comedians here on Kill Tony. So I'm excited for you to see her. It's the stylings of the one and only Vanessa Johnston, everybody. Come on.

It's always so obvious between the two of us when I get up here. Having no friends sucks. I was really socially awkward as a kid, so I didn't have any friends. But I played it off cool. People would be like, hey, so who are your friends? And I was like, friends?

Nah, man, I don't like to put labels on things. I fly solo. I'm a singular pea in a singular pod. Lone wolf status. Oh. As a kid, you kind of, like, always blame your parents, you know, for, like, why you don't have friends. You're like, why can't you be like all the other kids' parents so I can finally fit in?

Like, get a divorce. But until then, don't worry. I got me. I'm going to go play charades by myself and talk to my imaginary friends Billy, Bob, and Thornton. There it is.

Exactly a minute from Vanessa Johnson. I love that lone wolf chunk, but just like the very lone wolf thing. I would have loved it if you were like, I don't even know what you were saying, by the way. I don't know what the point was, but it made me laugh when you said, I'm a lone wolf, and then you actually howled.

Sure, there you go. Brian on top of sound effects from Lucasfilm. Real state-of-the-art fucking things we're dealing with. What was that? That was weird. I'm going to get to that, but I just want to say I would have loved it if whoever you're talking to in that joke, when you go, oh, I would have loved it if they made fun of you know, if they made fun of you for it or if you got called out.

Because you do it like it's cool as hell. You sell it like, I'm a lone wolf. But if somebody was like, did you just fucking howl? It's kind of like the farts. It's like when you act out something on stage, when you make a fart sound or you make a howl sound, it kind of takes you out of like, oh, this person's now acting or something like that.

It's not a joke anymore. It's kind of like... It throws me off the track. I'm like, oh, she's howling on stage. It made me, when she did it, it made me feel like she was nervous. But I think you can sell it with your swagger, as weird as that sounds, even though you're still very new.

I think that you have this confidence to where you'll be able to take chances like that and be goofy as long as you're on top of making fun of the crazy shit that you're doing you know what i mean like if you're there and aware enough to make fun of it like i love that being cool and hip and ballsy but you have to be there to roast yourself if that makes sense you know why didn't you have any friends? Because I was socially awkward. But the problem is

I don't believe that. I can feel that in your voice. I'll tell you what. My mom has schizophrenia. Oh, Mike's out of the stand. And my... My mom has schizophrenia and my dad has Asperger's so I had no social care amazing so like that would endear me to you like I I'm sure that you probably bring that up and something

that's not a minute but like just for this one minute I was like she's so pretty there's no way she didn't have friends like it was hard it was hard for me to believe that but or I would feel like like because you seem like you could be a mean girl I would think that your friends would have like you didn't have friends unless they were like mean girls

your mom has what? and your dad has Asperger's that's amazing the fact that you are like here is amazing this is a scene at home What? Yeah, who you're playing again. And your dad has Asperger's. Break it down again. That's amazing. Mom's schizophrenia. The fact that you are here is amazing. This is a scene at home. Who am I?

Who are you? Eggs! That's amazing. That's amazing to me that you came from that. Yeah, that you came from that and that you're like a functioning woman doing stand-up. That's amazing. Yeah. I didn't know two twos made a ten.

Yeah. See what I did there? Because they're like, wow, that was like anti-roasting. That was like complimenting through humor and math. What's that? Whoa, look at that. I think it's funny. I think you have to own that, you know, that your parents are handicapped and you're not at all.

Look at how dressed up we are. You have a tux on. I know. I have a bow tie on. I love that. Normally it's my dog with a bow tie. You gave me a little shave. I like it.

That's incredible. I want a copy of that. Yeah, that's great. Good job, boo. You can buy a copy of that at RyanJEbelt.com. All of his art's available there. Follow him on Twitter, RyanJEbelt. Vanessa Johnstew on Twitter.

Oh, that's funny. Another brand new minute from Vanessa Johnston. Melissa Esslinger's at Melissa Esslinger at Josh Martin Comic. The Backbone. And here he is, Patty Reagan, everybody. Pat Reagan. I got a new album coming out. It's called I'm Weird and Gross and Nobody Likes Me. It'll be coming out soon.

There he is with a new album. Doug, what's coming up for you? Doug Benson Sarah Tiana Come on, bring it home I'll be in Lexington, Kentucky this week Next week I'm in Phoenix at the House of Comedy And then I'm at San Francisco Sketch Fest

Oh, I'm across the street From all of her gigs Come to my show Caroline's first weekend in February in New York City. Live audience, thank you so much. Have a great night, everybody. Thank you. City on rock and roll Built this city Built this city

We built this city on rock and roll It's just another Sunday In a tired old street Police have got the chokehold But we just lost our feet Who cares for money? Thank you.