KILL TONY - KILL TONY #14

Episode Date: September 27, 2013

Freddy Lockart, Sara Mostajabi, Kimberly Congdon, Iron Patriot, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 09/02/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Don't forget the Kitty Kat t-shirt. It's limited edition and it's on sale right now. Go to the Death Squad official store at ShopSquad.TV. Me and Tony Hinchcliffe are coming to Phoenix, Arizona next Thursday, September 26th. We're going to stand up live. We need you guys to come to this show. Bring your girlfriend, bring your friends, bring everybody because we're trying to impress this club so that we can

start coming here on the regular and bringing more Death Squad comics. So this is our first time in Phoenix, Arizona at this club as Death Squad and we need your support. So go to standuplive.com or deathsquad.tv to get your tickets for Thursday,

September 26th with me and Tony Hinchcliffe. The following day, me and Tony are flying out to Ohio, Columbus, Ohio, and we're going to be joined by Tom Segura and Christina Pajitsky for a Death Squad super show. So tickets are also available online at deathquad.tv. And then last but not least, L.A. PodFest in October. If you don't know what L.A. PodFest is, it's pretty much Comic-Con for podcasting. There's going to be live panel events. There's going to be a party. There's going to be live podcast tapings. I'm doing Kevin Pereira's Pointless and Death Squad's going to do a show there.

So get your tickets. It's going to be a lot of fun. L.A.odFest.com And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Oh, God. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Kill Tony! A.K.A. Tony Hensliff! Wow, thanks everybody. Give it up for Kill Tony. Hi everyone. Hi everybody. It's good to be here. Another fun weekend. And here we are. Hi, everybody out there. Congratulations for being part of this fun audience. Yeah. Okie dokie. Always an interesting beginning.

Yeah, we mixed it up a little. My iPad's dead. It fucking sucks. It's dead? Yeah, I don't think it's going to be alive anymore. Oh, my God. Whatever. That's terrible. I know. Oh, my God. Whatever. That's terrible. I know. Excuse to get a new one.

All right. Well, so that ends the sound effects portion, right? No, no. I downloaded an alternative sound effect program. Oh. So it's going to be mixed up probably a little. Oh, that it's going to be mixed up probably a little. Oh, that's exciting. Just for this episode, instead of the normal kitty cat sound when a comic does one minute, we are going to have a dolphin.

Oh, yeah, I like that. But what's going to replace the angry bear that comes in if they do longer than 60 seconds? A gang of cows. That is a lot of cows, man. Wow. So you don't want to run the light here, you comedians out there that are doing your 60 seconds because you don't want to anger that group of cows.

Or the dolphin. That's a nice little hey. Yeah, the dolphin's sort of peppy, but those cows are aggressive. Speaking of animals, as always, ladies and gentlemen, our head of security, the Iron Patriot, is here.

I... I will lead these new Avengers into battle against anyone who would threaten our way of life. I am the Iron Patriot. Fuck yeah. Still got it, Patriot. Still got it. You know, I was listening to the last episode

the other day, and listening to it is so much different than watching it, because it really sounds like we're hanging out with Kit from Knight Rider. Oh, interesting. Yeah, I noticed that. I noticed when I listened last night

just to iTunes because I've been watching the video. And I want to say something to you, Red Band. First, I want to congratulate you for winning funniest Instagrammer of the year at the LA Weekly Awards. Oh, thank you. That is awesome.

I'm not funny on Instagram, so I don't know what that means. That's so cool. I don't post any funny photos. It's mostly foods and shih tzus. You know, I like't post any funny photos. It's mostly foods and shitsues. You know, I like the one you posted yesterday. You did a screenshot of my mailman video,

and in the background was a Jungle Fever poster because my video was made in 1991, the same year that that movie came out. And what's interesting is Wesley Snipes just got released from prison a few months ago. He was serving three years for tax evasion. He starred in Jungle Fever. And now he's already got his life back on track, and he's in the movie Expendables 3. He's already got it going.

So with my banana song coming back, this might be the return of Jungle Fever this year. Wow. Me and Wesley. I think that's a pretty bold statement, first of all. I don't think you're going to bring back the movie franchise Jungle Fever. Wow. Me and Wesley. I think that's a pretty bold statement, first of all. I don't think you're going to bring back the movie franchise Jungle Fever, the Wesley Snipes classic, because of the music video. But I did watch that music video that you were in. If you don't know, the Iron Patriot is a human being,

and he wears a $5,000 custom-made Iron Patriot suit that came pretty dented up. He rides the bus here. He's here every Monday, and he rides the bus because in that $5,000 suit, he can't sit down. So he has to stand at all times. So he takes the bus here from down the street.

And he was once in a band in Texas called the Dirty Crabber. It was just called... I was Dirty Crabber. That's my other name. So if you ever want to call me that, just call me that. Did you ever have crabs? Is it based off that? No, because my last name is Crabtree

and my brother, his name was Crabtree. So it was kind of a play on that. Yeah, I did have crabs one time, but it wasn't... I think everybody's dealt with that. But now the girls are shaving their pouches, so I don't think there's any more crabs. Yeah, they're actually becoming extinct lately.

That's true. Yeah. Wow. So I wish I would have lived in this age, man. Yeah, but now you have to worry about, like, crotch eels or something. Yeah. With those vaginas. Yeah. Crotch eels? Yeah, what would come have to worry about crotch eels or something with those vaginas. Yeah.

Crotch eels? Yeah, what would come off a shaved vagina? What kind of gross thing could... What if worms just start... Like, girls start getting worms. What the fuck are you talking about? What would replace crabs? I don't think they need to be replaced.

I think that's something we can do without. Yeah, yeah. So, Patriot, even though you got the crabs, do you still have a full bush underneath all that? Well, you know, I keep it trimmed. I don't let it go out of control. But, no, it's not, I mean, you know what I'm saying. When you say trimmed, what are you doing down there? Just using the scissors to trim it up so it doesn't get out of control, you know.

Do you ever mess with the ball hair? But I'm not like Tommy Lee. You know, Motley Crue, he talks about he puts some special shit on his balls to just make it so it's just completely nothing. Yeah, it's nair. It's a bad idea. Don't ever do it. I tried it once, and my fucking asshole,

everything was on fire. My balls, like the veins in it, got really hard. You know, sometimes when you're like, wow, it's so hard right now. What happened? It was like that for like a week. It sucked. Yeah.

How about that one? I kind of miss it when the girls had some hair down there. I kind of like it like that. Now, what I was getting at with this band, the Dirty Crabber, and I watched your music video for the first time over this past weekend, and I was laughing so hard because you have this song called share my banana that you performed a few episodes ago a few weeks ago here while holding a banana you sang a song that was it was racist well i also called the monkey jacob so it

was the white name was a monkey too so it's you, it's like they were both monkeys. Can I ask you a question? I noticed, I've noticed over the past few weeks that you have a little twitch in your left arm that happens. Yeah, I do. Was that from when you got tackled by the football player on...

No, that was in my old costume about, you know, four years ago. That was my... I still got that old costume. It's like barely... It's all duct taped together. It's in bad shape. So that twitch that you do

with your left arm, is that, is that because of the suit that you're wearing or is that? Well, I don't know. I should just concentrate

on sticking, you know, staying still. I'm kind of just, sometimes I just kind of like to move it around to kind of keep my, my shoulders and back

kind of, the muscles moving around so it doesn't, you know, get stiff, you know. But, you know, I should do a better job at concentrating to just stay still. and back, the muscles moving around so it doesn't get stiff. I should do a better job at concentrating to just stay still.

Fuck yeah. I think we're making podcast history so far this episode. It's fun to be here on Labor Day with you, Tony. Oh yeah, it is Labor Day. What do you normally do on a Labor Day if you didn't have this right now? I might be out water skiing right now or something that's what you do no dude no he's so disappointed when he

said that do you practice singing a lot in front of mirrors and um yeah i try to if i know i'm doing a song on this show i'll try to rehearse and get ready and so if i play a song right now you'll be able to perform it yeah if you're ready do it if you're ready all right let's try this what's the name of the song? Soul Sister No. 9. Are you serious? Is this happening right now? No, that's not the song. It's the other song. Oh, shit.

I think I have it. If that's the only one you have, you can do it. No, I can do both. That was my other song called Send Me. That's another song. He sent you another song? I changed my mind. I sent that song and then I changed called Send Me. That's another song. He sent you another song? Well, I changed my mind. I sent that song, and then I changed my mind and switched it to another song.

Wow, look at you. How long did it take for you to decide that you wanted to do a different song? Was it hours you were sitting there thinking about it? No, it just kind of came to me because we've kind of been on this jungle fever theme for so long. I just kind of thought, man, let's just keep it going. Because, you know, soul sister number nine. I mean, I've never made love, actually, to a black woman. I flirted with them. But, you know, one female brother that does turn me on is Beyonce.

I love her. You know? Female sister. Oh, wait. She needs to drop that zero and get with the hero. Oh, my God. All right, well, let's hear it. Yeah, turn it up.

Hey, you talking about? I got something to say. That soul sister. Well, do you believe a soul sister? Soul sister's the finest girl you ever seen. Big lip.

I'm a type of image. Soul sister number nine I'd like to see you in the summertime Soul sister, don't be late There's something wrong if you hesitate Nothing's gonna change my mind I'm in love with a daddy line Nothing's gonna change my way I'm in love with

So sister sister number nine Soul sister number nine I'd like to see you in the evening time Soul sister is okay Just say you love for a rainy day Nothing's gonna change my mind I'm in love with a dragon line Nothing's gonna change my ways

I'm in love with Soul's just the number nine Yeah, God, I don't think that thing was ever gonna end. Thank you, thank you. Holy shit. That was awesome. Wow. Thank you. thank you. Holy shit. That was awesome. Wow. Thank you.

You're breathing heavy under there, huh? Yeah, yeah. I'm surprised you used the word, you're like a dandelion. I was expecting something a little bit more racist. Yeah, I don't know. That's just kind of the way the lyrics came out of me. When I write my music, I just let it flow out of me. I don't know. That's just kind of the way the lyrics came out of me. I just, when I write my music, I just let it flow out of me. I don't really.

What's the deal with all of your songs being about hooking up with a black woman that you never actually hooked up with? Well, like I said, I just, I write about what I feel and that kind of came out that way. So I also like that. I like that female brother, Zoe Saldana, the Avatar. Why do you call them female brothers? That's so backwards. It's confusing. Well, if you just say sister, they might think you're talking about a nun.

No, nobody's going to think you're talking about a nun. It all depends on who you follow it up with. And take off the ER and make it an A, and you're fine. Nobody's going to think you're talking about a nun when you say Beyonce. Yeah, yeah. Do you think that you write these songs because you and perhaps a black woman out there have some unfinished business? Like, is it something you still fantasize about? Yeah.

Halle Berry, too. I like her feet. Did you see her Flintstones? How cute her feet look? On the Flintstones? Didn't you see Hall you see her in Flintstones? How cute her feet look? On the Flintstones? Didn't you see Halle Berry in the Flintstones? You're talking about the Flintstones, the movie? Yeah.

No, nobody was looking at her feet during that. Oh, you were. You know you were. You're lying. All right, yeah, you got me. Okay, another hand for the Iron Patriot, everybody. Yeah, give it up. Thank you, guys.

Thank you for listening. I appreciate it. This is the show where comedians do 60 Seconds, and always a guest and I and my cohorts here, Red Band and Patriot, we all talk with the comedian for a bit, see what's going on, see if we can punch up their jokes.

They can take it or leave it if they want, all for free, always just giving away gold here on Kill Tony. And I always have one of my funniest friends come on and be a guest each week. I'm really excited about this week's guest. He's somebody who I've always looked up to since I started here many years ago. And I'm excited to have him. He's such an amazing guest that, in fact, he has his own person who gives his introduction.

So I'm just going to bring up that guy right now. Put your hands together for his introducer, Ryan Mervis, everybody. This is not the guest. This is the guy who introduces the guest. Are you guys ready? Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you guys ready?

Are you ready? Give it up for the reigning Belly Room League champion, the manager of the dead kid, Timmy's, the lovely bearded, Freddie Lush! Lockhart! Oh, shit. Here, John Lewis. Oh, shit. Wow, everybody. Freddie Lockhart is in the house. How exciting.

Give it up for Ryan Mervis one more time, everyone. His introducer. Fuck yeah. The champ. Yes. For those of you, and by those of you,

I mean everybody out there who are wondering what we're talking about with this championship. He is the defending comedy store fantasy football champion, everybody. I made all the right decisions.

Made all the right fucking decisions. That's what I did. This guy knows how to make moves this time of the year. Won by.3 with the help of one Aaron Hernandez. Thank you. Did his job for me and then got sent to the pokey. I made that happen.

I made that happen. All the best fantasy players are in prison. Yeah, that's why you gotta get them before they go. I got OJ in round two this year. Did you? Yeah. There you go. Really hoping. Fucking dorks. Jesus.

How dare you? This makes us closer to the players, and they appreciate it. This new setup, I just realized that now you're behind me. Now I'm just going to be shocked all the time. We slanted the table differently for those of you diehard fans that are following that closely. differently for those of you diehard fans that are following that closely. It's so that when you guys are on stage,

the guest isn't just looking at their butt the whole time. Now we have a better angle. Now the camera has changed. I'm sure people watching on our good friends over at Vimeo I'm sure that they noticed a slight change. Anyway, Freddie. This is great, Tony.

This is a real professional thing you got going here. That's fucking amazing right there. Thank you. That's fucking incredible. Yeah, I'm very excited about it. He sings, he dances, the whole thing. It's fucking unbelievable. Can I ask you something, Freddie?

Yeah, please. I did a little research on you today. First, I listened to your What's Good podcast. Oh, okay, great. I listened to that. I read about you. I wanted to ask you this. A few months ago ago I was an extra

on a film about Nina Simone the jazz singer and civil rights activist and Zoe Saldana is playing her in the movie and she's got a lot of criticism because they say she's too light skinned and I noticed you're mulatto too

how do you feel about that subject? it's the comedy story I actually prefer I refer to it as right skinned How do you feel about that subject? It's the comedy store. Shit goes. I actually prefer it. I refer to it as right-skinned, first of all. Or as Holly refers to it as black. But I don't care. It's like whatever.

Yeah, I think it's good she's doing the movie. What are you going to do? Yeah, yeah. What are you going to do? I mean, have you ever received criticism or discrimination from the... None at all. My whole life, zero discrimination in any facet anywhere at all. Not from either side. No. I mean from the Ducker Brothers.

No. No, no. From the what, would you say? I don't know. Something racist. No, no. It wasn't racist. I think he just said nigger. That's what I was feeling. The Patriots are known for his accidental racism. That's okay, you know. He's from Texas. I was. That's okay, you know. Yeah. He's from Texas.

I was born there. Yeah, you were born in San Antonio. Jesus, dude. That's creepy. Yeah, he researches all the guests. He's the best head of security on any podcast. That's pretty cool. I like you.

I've seen you on Ice House Chronicles. I've seen you on Joe Rogan Experience. I've been following you for a while. Oh, cool. You'd think I would have noticed fucking Iron Man following you. You know he loves you when his left arm twitches a lot. I like him. That's a very impressive... I mean, that's super fucking impressive.

Well, thank you. I appreciate it. Yeah, no. Now, Freddie, you said something that I brought up a couple times over the weeks on this podcast. I've always taken a moment to ask black comedians. I ask them on behalf of all black people,

all the pressure is on you right now, why do some black people call other lighter-skinned black people light-skinded with two Ds? It's just the vernacular, just how it goes. It's a regional dialect, if you really want to know. Yeah, I do. And it's usually in urban and southern areas. And that's where it comes from and it's actually there was a documentary called do you talk english and it turns out black people and white people from boston and philly speak english

as it was supposed to have been spoken because we bastardized it from the british so thanks yeah i don't believe that lights ended that makes sense and that's why all black guys have names like jackson and stuff like that, like white British guys. Because the British once owned us. You'll meet like a British guy. My name's Jerome Jackson. Hello. It's like Jerome Jackson.

Sounds like a rookie running back. I read a thing the other day that the first, I mean, I had heard it before, but I read the whole thing about the first slave owner was a black guy. Did you know that? Yeah, it could be true. I could have seen him starting that gangster shit and the white people stole it. Because they would have.

That's some gangster shit slaving, right? He did it first. Totally. We always do it first. I steal from myself. My white side steals from my black side.

Are you kidding me? You guys always steal shit from us. I'm reading this article and basically three quarters of the way through it, I'm like, this guy, imagine his, I mean, if he started it, imagine all the white guys around him

like, this fucking guy's crazy. Yeah, yeah. We're going to take over all these businesses, and he started it. You know what I mean? Yeah, it was some like Barksdale crew shit from the wire. Wow. Like they were taking corners is what the fuck they were doing. Because I guess the original

guy was an indentured servant, which is a whole thing that I did more research on too. Where were you at one night just on Wikipedia? Totally. I go off on these Wikipedia tangents and that's exactly what I do. I always do that too. I do that on YouTube, but then I always end up some guy telling a cop off. I always want

to see that. Some guy just shoving it to a cop. Like, oh yeah, well here's the law. And one guy did. Like one guy threw the law in his face. The cop was like, is it true? He's like, yeah. And he's like, am I being detained? He's like, no, I guess not. And sped off. I was like, you're my hero! I saw that one and I love those videos. It's my favorite watch. And you have to be

white to do shit like that too. I can't try that. I can't even. Look at me. They won't know what I am, but they won't go for it. Right. That's so awesome. Freddie is one of the best impressionists that I know in the world. Thank you.

So, you know, I'm excited to see if anybody pops up. Like Tony Hinchcliffe, perhaps. Whoa. Whoa. That's a pretty good impression. That's a pretty good impression. Hey, you know, Tony? Whoa. Shit. You know what?

When Freddie has a cold, he can do a good Jesse Ventura. Jesus, this guy. Jesse the Mind Ventura. Oh, wow. Used to be Jesse the Body Ventura. He sounds like every wrestler, though. Yeah, Sunday, brother.

Everybody said Sunday. Sunday, brother. It's Sunday. Sunday, brother. It's like a strip club DJ sound almost. Or the guy announcing the monster truck rally coming to town. Brother. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Alright.

Well, we know what goes on here. Comedians come up and they do 60 seconds and we talk to them. You're giving back. I like that. It's true. A little comedy karma. Things are good. Tonight the Comedy Central roast of James Franco is airing. And you're here.

We can watch it here, right? No, we can't watch it here because the Comedy Store has the only kind of cable I've ever heard of that doesn't get Comedy Central. We ain't got cable. They got some rigged thing. They have Fox Sports and thing. They have like Fox Sports and shit. They have some weird...

They're stealing somebody's satellite signal or something. It sounds like ill-gotten cable is what it sounds like. The rabbit ears on top of this building right now. Wait a second. If you really think about it, because when we tried to get internet here, they're like, no, no, no, we can't do it. We can't get internet here. They're like, whoa, whoa. Don't get the cable company involved, see?

We're staying off the grid. Everything's off the grid. Oh, yeah. That probably is. Everything's off the grid here at Ciro's. Got a laugh in the back. Somebody appreciates Comedy Store history.

Somebody knows who Ciro is. Why is there a sewing kit where it's known as an Itui up here? What is that? A pair of scissors. This was, we needed string earlier and the

closest we could get, thanks to our friends down at Pink Dot, the world's strangest convenience store. Yeah, man. It's a great place to get murdered, is Pink Dot. It's so creepy there. Or to get a sandwich for 15 bucks. Nothing has a price tag on it. Everything's overpriced.

Everything's up for, you can haggle, though. How much do you want to pay for the sandwich, bro? Are you kidding? That's if you go during the day when the owner guys start. You like tuna melt? How much do you like tuna melt, bro? What are you willing to go for the sandwich, bro? Are you kidding? That's if you go during the day when the owner guys start. You like tuna melt? How much do you like tuna melt, bro? What are you willing to go out the pocket for tuna melt? Seven, eight, nine, ten.

What can you do for the meat? Maybe nug? You got nug of weed? The bartering starts quick. Bartering always works, especially in LA. I've bartered so much shit with nugs of weed. Made people's day with nugs of weed. Oh, yeah.

They never see it coming. Yeah, the plumber. He didn't see it coming. If you have half a joint on you, people go crazy. I got the pool guy high. He's like of weed. Oh, yeah. They'd never see it coming. Yeah, the plumber. He didn't see it coming. If you have half a joint on you, people go crazy. I got the pool guy high. He's like, man, oh, man, I've been dying to get high all day. I guess it's like they must be hard for people to get pot or something. Old school people who don't realize it's like fucking water and you can get it anywhere.

You know where I can get a lid of weed, huh? A lid. How do I get it? Some ludes. I remember when a dime bag was a dime. A dime bag, see? All right. So let's get this party started.

Let's do it. Patriot, are you ready? I'm ready. Let's go. Okay. If anybody misses their spot, they get a permanent blacklisting. And when I say blacklist, the Patriot always makes this noise. Ka-doo, ka-doo, ka-doo.

Yeah. He makes that noise with his mouth, people. That's not a button he pushes. He's like the guy in Police Academy. What was that guy's name? Michael Winslow. He's like Michael Winslow meets Steve Guttenberg in an Iron Patriot suit.

You'd laugh at the Guttenberg thing if you'd seen his music videos. You've got to look those up, by the way. Look up Dirty Crabber if you get a chance when you're at home. So you're drawing a comic's name now. Right? There's tons of names in the hat. Are you guys ready to get this thing started or what? I can tell.

What's that? You can tell those are all comics. They're hip-looking. Some of them. A lot of them are hip-looking back there. Hip-looking guys with beards. Oh yeah, I see them. Where are you guys from?

You think anybody's from the Valley? I'm from the Valley. Till I die like Brody. Oh yeah, 818 till I die. You got it. You listen to the podcast? Well, thank you. Just some random stranger. You're in the podcast? Well, thank you. Just some random stranger.

Well, welcome, sir. You're in the right room. I picked a name, and the comedian's name, your first comedian tonight, is Klee Wiggins. Klee Wiggins. Klee Wiggins. Klee. Should I just get started? Right. Should I just get started? Great. Yeah, so since Marv was up here earlier

and the Iron Patriot was up here being racist, I'll just go with this one. That actually, not too long ago, actually banged a ginger. Forced by circumstance. Because I wanted to, not because I had to. But the thing is, the first night that we ever hooked up, his roommate walked in on us and his roommate just goes you guys look like neapolitan ice cream

i was just mad he got to be two of the three flavors i was like see there's the man keeping a sister down again how come you get to be two and i'm only i'm only one you know what we're neapolitan ice cream with caramel sauce that. That's what we are. Now we're equal. Separate yet equal. But he grew up not knowing any black people so he thought that not only would black men's cum be brown but that it would taste like chocolate. Which I was like,

I wish that your retarded childhood dream was true. There'd be so many more different kinds of guys in my background if Mexican cum tasted like dulce de leche. Many more Jesuses. guys in my background. If Mexican come, taste it like dulce de leche. Many more Jesuses. I'm in there. There you go.

Hell yeah. Klee Wiggins. Talking about hooking up with a red-headed guy. Red-headed what guy? Wow. That's interesting. It happened. Did you guys

meet that night and it just magic happened you guys go on a date like uh no he was bartender at a bar i used to hang out at up in the bay where i'm from so you had known him for a while yeah a couple months the first time you saw him were you like were you like oh yeah i'm gonna fucking no first time i saw him i actually did literally think he looked like a leprechaun because he was short interesting so he's a short he's sort of built

like Scott Conn like sort of like very compact with like bow legged that was the only thing that kind of appealed to me was the bow legged this guy just sounds terrible

but you know he was awesome actually he wasn't he was too much of a cuddler. I think that was his biggest... That was my issue. He liked to cuddle a lot. You're a comic.

We don't cuddle. No, don't cuddle. Don't touch me. It's weird. What? I love cuddling. I cuddle all day. No.

I like roll over in the morning. I was like, why are you still here? I like to sleep with my dick inside of her. That's okay as long as nothing else about you is touching me. That's power cuddling right there. It's totally locked and loaded. Sleep's taken. Wow, just leave it in every night.

That would be fine with me, though, if it was only the dick and nothing else was touching me. Oh, there you go. I'd be okay with that. So just a fan of power cuddle or no cuddle at all. That's interesting. I like cuddling. You don't like cuddling at all? After I'm done sexing up, get off me. Go.

Beat it. We go to our separate corners like boxes. Yeah, exactly. I gotta go see my cut man now. Get the fuck off. But then afterwards, do you go back? Sometimes I go back for a little second, but most of the time I just watch HBO go on the iPad and go to fucking sleep. No, I mean back to cuddling.

Yeah, go back to cuddling. Not for a second. She doesn't like to cuddle either and that's the thing. She's like Puerto Rican so she gets hot really easily. Do you sleep with a pillow between your legs or something?

No, I don't sleep with a pillow between my legs. Do you sleep with a pillow between your legs? Sometimes. Do you sleep with a pillow between your legs? No, I sleep with a girl between my legs.

Oh. And I have one hand on her tit. I have my dick inside over my leg like this. It's fucking awesome. It's just like perfect. It's like your two puzzle pieces

put together. There you go. There you go. And you have the air conditioning turned on like 40 degrees so you don't sweat. You're just locked like keeping each other warm

and surviving. How many girls do you get pregnant with this thing? None. Really? Even with the dick inside all night long? Yeah, it seems like

if you let a dick marinate inside of a vagina all night long, some type of life form would have to grow. Or some kind of fusion would take place. But you have to have a period first before you can even get pregnant. I see what you did there.

I know what you did there. And then you lean back after that like that. Boys can't get pregnant. Oh, Jesus. Fuck yeah. I love Neapolitan ice cream. I love that reference there. That's fun.

Thank you. That was pretty good when she talked about the brown cum coming out of the brother's banana. I've heard people talk about chocolate milk coming out of it. The brother's banana, too.

You can't make enough monkey references while talking about black people. I was saying I like that joke. I've heard chocolate milk jokes about females. I'm not on board with that Soul Sister No. 9 song. chocolate milk jokes about females. But I've never heard that. I'm not on board with that Soul Sister number 9 song. The banter reference is like an afro thing or something.

It's very subtly racist. But from ignorance. Subtle racism is more offensive than overt racism. You just own it. I said I'm in love with Soul Sister number 9. It's a compliment. But it's like a fetish. It's not a good thing. I love it. I said I'm in love with Soul Sister number nine. I said it's a compliment. But it's like a fetish.

It's not a good thing. It's like a fetish. I love it. Klee, what was the... I like the dulce de leche part. Is that a thing? I have references for all the

major races. And then the Mexican cum thing was... Mexican cum tasted like dulce de leche. That was good. Seems like you could go on and on with a whole ice cream run. I've been trying to think of new ones. Like the guy that is abusive. It's like Rocky Road. There you go.

We could go on and on with ice cream references all day. What do I know? I like it. I'm going to explore that little avenue. Thank you, Tony. Tons of ice creams to be had. Klee Wiggins, everybody. If you're on Twitter,

why don't you follow her? Klee the Pimp. That's Klee, K-L-E-E, the Pimp. At Klee the Pimp. That's Klee, K-L-E-E, the pimp. Klee the Pimp. At Klee the Pimp. Fuck yeah. That's fun. So that's how it goes sometimes.

Sometimes we just listen and chat with people. Sometimes we have brilliant ideas. Sometimes the patriot just fucking twitches his little arm off. Calls out racial slurs. Yeah, when the brothers come out of their banana. Brothers. I mean, what the fuck come out of their banana. Brothers. I mean, what the fuck are you thinking over there? I love it, though.

Brother, like when you say brother with a hard R, it tells me you say nigger with a hard R. Yeah. I'm starting to think that because of his accidental racism, the Patriot bought that suit because he was getting beat up by black people all the time. That's why it's all dented and shit. The fuck you say, boy? Alright. Back into the

black bucket we go. Ori Amir. Put your hands together for Ori Amir. Oh, he's a jumper. Here he is. Good evening, gentlemen. American women. So my accent is half Hebrew, half German. And yes, I've been unsuccessfully trying to kill myself for years.

And I'm stuck with the accent. I can't fix it. But I thought, you know, maybe I could see more American if I say American things. Like, yo, this is America. Speak English. Jesus loves you. Sign here.

Damn scientists lying about global warming. Oh my God, I'm also a member of the National Rifle Association. Give me one of those cool handshakes. Guns! Yeah, freedom. I love the English language. I love how rich your vocabulary is. You've got words like communist, socialist, Marxist, Maoist, anti-American. And these are only the synonyms for poor.

I've been learning English watching. All right. That's a powerful 60 seconds. Put your hands together for Ori Amir. Ori Amir. That was good. I fucking love you. Where are you from?

Israel. Wow. Straight out of Israel. Yeah. How long have you. Where are you from? Israel. Wow. Straight out of Israel. How long have you been here in America? Five years. That is so cool. I like him. You know why I like him?

He came up here and he got right to fucking business. He's like, I got 60 seconds, son. I'm going to throw down. And he did. Didn't he do it? You did it. Nothing but daggers the whole time. Just fucking quick lightning jokes.

That's so fun. How long have you been doing stand-up? A couple of years. A couple of years. He did it. You talk about who you are, where you're from, until you're famous. And he did just that in 60 seconds. Yeah, exactly.

I love that. What else do you do? What else do you do? You live here in Los Angeles? Yeah, I'm doing a PhD here. A PhD? I study brains, yes. Really? Oh, wow'm doing a PhD here. A PhD? I study brains, yes. Oh, wow. You're like Freud.

Actually, we do like fMRI studies, like when you look what happens in the brain under various things that you... Various things? You sounded really smart until the end there. Yes, various things. Brains, it has parts. Wow. I think he was going to throw out a word

and he knew we wouldn't understand. Right, right. Actually, look at what happens It has parts. I think he was going to throw out a word and he knew we wouldn't understand. Actually, look at what happens when you enjoy comedy. That's the last thing I did. You can actually see the parts that are... Wow. Oh, wow. They're affected by humor? Is that what you're...

Basically, you go inside the scanner with them and you're like, Have you ever noticed how crowded it is? Don't laugh! You're moving your head. Disturb the signal. Wow, that's amazing. So you're doing studies on that, on how laughter affects the brain and stuff like that.

I got his shoes, bro. Oh yeah, those shoes are fucking baller, man. Yeah, those are baller. They look like you went paintballing. Yes, it was white. I'm just a messy eater. Those are great. I like them. I like this guy. Yeah, that's so cool. So you're like super smart.

What are you going to do with your whole PhD thing once you get it? I don't know. Probably look for a job doing the same stuff I do now. How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? 32. Oh, wow. You're a young man. And I bet you've been in every country.

I bet your passport looks like fucking janky. It's just got stamps everywhere. I've been to a lot of places. You've been to a lot of places. What's your favorite place that you've been to every country. I bet your passport looks fucking janky. It's just got stamps everywhere. What's your favorite place that you've been to? Colombia. He's like, the glow is fucking pure. People are awesome. Nature is great. The women are awesome.

Wow. That is awesome. What did you end up doing with the Colombian girl that you met there? Just getting crazy? Did you guys do it by the beach like they do in movies? Actually, yes. Did you have the mob after you?

No. I had them stop the bus and help us. They wanted to help with the guns and stuff. The guns. They run the guns. They wanted to help. They asked for people who know how to clean guns, which I'm not. He's 32. I'm 34. When you meet guys, you're like, he's on his way to being a fucking doctor.

And I'm a level 55 in Call of Duty. I know. It is pretty crazy. That's amazing what he's been doing with his time and what I've been doing with mine. What I find interesting is a guy as smart as you, how seriously do you take the stand-up thing? Is it something that you'd rather do other than that? Do you dabble? Is this like squash? Yeah. It's one of the most fun things ever.

I can tell he loves it. Do you do a lot of spots? Occasional ones. Not too many. Moderation. Interesting. I think you're very, very funny and very, very interesting. Keep doing what you're doing.

Very kind to my girl. I'd recommend doing more spots. You're so smart. You could break at any point. Don't let anybody tell you that you started too late because you're very funny and extremely smart. So use that to your advantage. That's Ori Amir, everybody.

There he goes. Thanks, Ori. A fucking genius. Like Bono Pai. Who dabbles in stand-up comedy and kills, by the way. Working on his PhD. We've got to go write jokes. You know, I studied the brain.

You may have heard of it, even though you're a fucking idiot. Yeah. Put your hands together for your next comedian. Very funny man who I've seen here before. Put your hands together for Lil next comedian. Very funny man who I've seen here before. Put your hands together for Lil Bro, everybody. I love Latino women. You know why I love Latino women? Because they know how

to take a punch. Seriously. Like other women you hit, you know, they either want to call the authorities or fight back or call a brother. But I can make that joke because I got a Mexican wife. I got her in Tijuana for $50. She's an equestrian. I know she loves horses.

Bought her from a guy for 50 bucks, man. So I don't have her yet. He's shipping her to me. I guess it's a mail order bride. I don't know. I gave him my P.O. box, so I didn't want to give him my real address, you know, just in case shit don't work out and I have to get rid of it. So I got a room at Motel 6, so we staying there. I had it delivered to my P.O. box.

So that's all I got. That's a new joke I'm working on. Fuck yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. So my immediate thing. Put your hands together for Lil Bro, everybody. Lil Bro. There he is.

Thank you. Yeah. It's extremely funny from the top. I could tell the first thing that you wrote was that initial first line, and now you're trying to make it bigger from there, that they can take a punch. And I like that you bail out of that and rationalize it. Are you really married? You don't have a Mexican wife? No, no. I actually wrote a long story of how I met her and how I love her

and how the guy's going to send her to me and I give him my P.O. box because I'm waiting, you know, down at the post office. She's going to end up being there waiting on me to get there because I actually have a joke about that. That's what I was waiting for was when you mentioned the P.O. box, like you got to mention, you know got to mention how you're just going to check it out, you know what I mean? And see what you're dealing with. And if you're going to keep playing it like that thing is real, then I would also rationalize, like, you know, it's only 50 bucks. That's just enough for me to not care and be able to drive away without putting this thing in the car,

whatever ends up showing up to that post office you know what i mean so it's still worth it it's not like you know thousands of dollars so you can even say that you were unsure and you took her home for a week to try her out but you got the insurance and you take her back because she was broken you know something like that for real yeah or or that when the box came, it was such a strong box because Mexicans make such sturdy products that you couldn't even open the box

and she just died. Or he opened it and like 10 of her fucking cousins ran out too. It's a fucking freedom. There it is. I like his energy. He's got good energy. He came out throwing haymakers and that was good his energy. He's got good energy. He came out swinging. He came out throwing haymakers and that was good. Absolutely.

Totally. He's got on orange. Orange is a great color because it's also a smell, a sight, and a taste. Heck yeah. Orange is the new black.

It is the new black. It is the new black. He's got an orange watch on. He knows what time it is, son. Is that G-Shock? Yeah. Fuck. Where are you from?

Houston. Houston, Texas. Same place Ghetto Boys are from. He's dressed like he's performing comedy in a construction zone. Yeah, I know. This is like a casual day. It's a holiday.

But you know we always get it crisp like that from head to toe matching. I'll try to sometimes not match so much on purpose, but I'll look at it just head to toe monochromatic. That's how we do it. You have to. Hey, man. Thank you very much. Thank you. I like the spelling of his name, too.

Lil Bro is on Twitter at Lil Bro. That's Lil B-R-O-U-G-H for those of you that are huge fans of comedians with their names spelled as hard as they can be spelled,

you must love Lil Bro. Bro spelled B-R-O-U-G-H. Lil Bro. He could also be called No Fro. This guy, man. What the fuck, man? What is wrong with you? What the fuck? I can tell after he says these

things he laughs because you can see him jitter up and down. Watch him just take off into the sky. That'd be fucking amazing. People fucking go crazy about the Iron Patriot. I mean, everybody loves him. I guess I never get to listen to the podcast. I watch it from time to time and check out the visual part of everything.

But I never get to listen. time and check out the visual part of everything. But I never get to listen. But it seems like everybody who listens and watches gets the feeling of how much and how liked the Iron Patriot really is. And it's a lot of fun for me because people send me questions and all day long

I answer questions about Kill Tony. And a lot of people don't know they can watch it. I'll direct them with a link to where they can watch it on Vimeo. And they go, I didn't even know I could watch it. Yeah, it's all blowing up for you, man. Because I like people to see me and see my costume, and then they'll ask about my costume.

It's been a lot of fun because three months ago, I didn't even have a Twitter account, and now I'm just having a lot of fun every day I go on there. It's unstuck, dude. It's stuck. Can somebody push the reset button on the back of his suit? Control-Alt-Delete in the back. It'll do it. All right.

Let's keep this fun train moving along. Your next comedian's name is Dustin Emery. So that I know of, I've never had a dick in my mouth. And I say that I know of because how do I know dicks aren't like spiders, and you don't know it, but about seven dicks a year have been crawling into your mouth while you sleep. And I'd be like a magnet for that shit too, because I sleep heavy and I drool a lot. Because I sleep heavy and I drool a lot. But anyways, pretty sure never had a dick in my mouth.

But I have had very, very vivid dreams where I'm sucking my own dick. Which results in a disturbing dilemma for the straight man. Because now I feel like I know what it's like to have a dick in my mouth. Like what it's like to have it rubbing its inside my cheek. What it's like to choke on it. Even what it's like to chew on it. Just a little bit. I'm not gonna, like, chomp down on my own dream dick. Just little nibbles.

Anyways, that's it. Okay. Dustin Emery. There's an interesting, uh, an interesting, what I find interesting About what you just talked about Is having a dream

About sucking your own dick It seems like there would be a wealth of I've had that dream Really? It is a possibility What are you doing? Do you feel it? No, I just go, what the fuck am I doing? And you're like totally flexible

And just able to do that? Yeah, like I must have thrown out some rigs or something to do it. I don't know. I've had dreams where I'm sucking two of my dicks. Oh, that's just gay as fuck, bro. One of those dicks can't possibly be yours. I mean, I'm sucking two of my dicks.

I mean, one of them looks like little bro's dick, but... Sucking two of your own dicks Do you have two dicks? No Then you're gay bro You just came out of the closet How long have you been doing comedy for?

I've done two open mics And that's it You know what I think The thing in the beginning is He should have said it What you opened with and then let it land for a second because you got right back into it because it let it land because it's an absurd thing

and they're going to be like what the fuck is this guy talking about and then you get into it because sometimes you get into it and you haven't let him get rid of the shock and you see a lot of jaws drop like I'm going to hear about dicks but make it funny did you have a wet dream I've actually only ever had one wet dream. But you didn't have it when you were sucking your own dick.

I think there's something funny in that. You couldn't get yourself to finish with your own blowjob. There's something in that. There's something in a bunch of that. I would stay in the pocket on the dream. I would analyze. The dream frees you of all creepiness. Right.

I would not mention the part where you're sucking two dicks. One dick minimum there. Yeah, definitely. One dick maximum. One dick minimum. So true. Oh my God, totally. I mean, if you're sucking a dick in a dream, always a one dick minimum.

Make sure it's your dick. Make sure it's your own dick. But there's definitely a great premise there. That's so cool that you've only done this a couple times. Yeah, good for you. You didn't seem like you got the business. You got busy right away. Yeah, keep doing it all the time as often as you can if you're interested in it.

He looks hip like Yusuf. Yeah, I mean guys that look like you are getting jobs over geniuses like me, so I mean, it's a great time to look like that. Not many jobs. I'm still doing pretty fucking good. It's a great time to look like Keanu Reeves. It's a good time.

Absolutely. Look at this guy. Look at him. He's hip. The one thing I would say, but this is more you just learned because you've only been doing it a very short period of time. You'll learn this. The biggest thing I would say is to act like you're saying that as you. I could kind of tell you're saying that as you.

Because I could kind of tell you kind of wrote it out. You're kind of almost going. Yeah, I could tell you were trying to remember how to say it verbatim. Definitely. Instead of like, no, this is actually me. It's a thought occurring to you. Like if I was talking to you and you were telling me this story, you wouldn't be doing it like that. You'd be doing it like, so I was sucking this dick. And you know what I mean?

It would be more believable as you. But you'll learn that. Right. That comes from just doing it a lot. But so far, at least you're putting yourself in position to have interesting premises. So there you go. That's Dustin Emery, everybody. You don't have a Twitter?

Get a Twitter, dude. Get a Twitter, bro. It's time. Don't be that guy. Get a Twitter. It's never too late. Just get on Twitter. I do my own thing, man. Yeah.

Don't be that guy. Get a Twitter. It's never too late. Just get on Twitter. I do my own thing, man. Yeah. At open mic number 30, you'll be on Twitter, and you'll be like, why didn't I just get on Twitter when they... It's always the hesitant people who actually get on and start killing it, too.

Oh, yeah. Totally. They come out of nowhere. How long have you been doing comedy, Freddie? 13 years this year. Did you start at the comedy store? I did. It was my very first time here.

Me, too. Yeah. So you went through all this year. Did you start at the Comedy Store? I did. It was my very first time here. Me too. Yeah. So you went through all this already. Yeah. Like a long time ago, doing the open mics and stuff. Shit like that. Yeah. Old school.

They just got rid of the Sunday open mic. Yeah, what is that? The Sunday open mic. Done. That's crazy. No mas. Yeah. How did it say?

I don't know. I don't know. The crowd is getting freaked out. I know. The crowd's like, what? Huh? I know, right? Huh?

Yeah, it's only a tradition of 40 plus years. Yeah, that's it. You know, in which pretty much all of our favorites and us. No more new comics ever. Yeah. I guess that's what they figure. Hey, let's cut our future by cutting out the future of comics hanging out here. Seems like a great idea.

There we go. Yeah, it's a really, really interesting situation. I feel like this is like the 9 a.m. report of 9-11, where it's like the 10 a.m. report's like, what the fuck just happened? And it's like so fresh off the presses that people are just like, can't even digest it yet. It's like when the plane, it's like, you've got to show me two planes hitting the building,

then I'll be scared. It's like two dicks. You don't need that kind of shit. And we were talking about this outside. It benefits us. Then you're fucked. Two dicks, you're fucked. Oh. There's like two dicks. Right. You don't need that kind of trick. And we were talking about this outside. It benefits us. Then you're fucked. Two dicks, you're fucked. Oh, there's a one dick minimum.

One dick minimum. However. But that would imply that you get to order many dicks. But we were talking about outside that it benefits us them not having a show for the 40 comics on Sunday because then technically we would get more time. We'd get a paid spot. Right, a paid spot for the amount of money that they pay us. And so it's really interesting because even though it benefits me,

I can clearly see why that is a – there's no other comedy club that has an open mic like this place. Yeah, they need to get that back. It's interesting. It's what keeps this place going. And i'm pretty sure everybody just wants to work stuff out i mean they'll end up the people it needs to be just marketed as for what it is because sunday is like one of the coolest nights to come here yeah anybody can the first time i ever went on i saw like chris rock that not being in a band and being like we played on the same stage as zeppelin

bro the first fucking night we ever did it yeah everybody comes in comes in. If Chappelle's here, they're coming in. Dice came in when he used to come in. Remember the first time I met Dice? I was like, hi, Andrew Dice Clay. Get the fuck out of here. I know, exactly. I've only seen Dice on Sundays here. Dice told me to get the fuck out of here. That's awesome. I introduced him to my mom on a Sunday night. I know, you make all these rookie mistakes when you're piercing him.

Oh my god. Dice, this is my uncle. Fuck your uncle. Right. What, did he fuck your mom? No, why would he fuck my mom I was with my mom and Dice walked by and I go Dice this is my mom and he goes what do you want me to do

shake her hand give her a hug your mom's a whore okay no he was really nice but then he got cool after a few years Your mom's a whore. Okay. No, he was really nice. But then he got cool after. I see you've been coming here a while. I'll be nice now. Right, right, right.

He gets it. But, you know, hopefully this Sunday thing will clear itself up. It's an interesting, interesting thing. Is there something that's being replaced? Are they just doing, like, shows? It'll be like a Tuesday or Wednesday night show. Which, all that needs to be known about it is that the same comics

that would do a spot for 15 minutes there are here on those Sunday nights anyway to do a pop-in spot. It's just an interesting thing at the bottom ground of comedy, and since we do this show, I figured it'd be worth mentioning. It's an's a bummer.

It's an interesting thing happening there. So we should pick it and start... I would pick it if I was an open mic. I bet you their comics are like, Hey, look at the fucking bucket! Oh yeah, that's right. Hey, we already just lost a spot on Sunday. Get your hand in the bucket, dick.

Alright, put your hands together for your next comedian. Des Delgadito. Delgadito. Delgadito. Delgadito. Des Delgadito. You've been blacklisted, Des. Wait, wait. Say it properly, though. They might not have... That's a blonde guy.

I'll give him a chance to come up then. How the fuck does he have such good handwriting? Put your hands together for Des everybody are you here he should be coming I mean he's not deaf right oh nothing on that what do you guys does he know he's outside

you guys are jerks oh he was the guy under 21 wait a second he's blind and he's under under 21. Oh, he was the guy under 21. Wait a second. He's blind and he's under 21. Technically, by rule, the performer can come in just to perform. Do you want me to grab him? You got a wireless mic you could take out there? Yeah, go grab him.

That's cool, right? Yeah, I would just... Yeah, okay. All right, so let's do one more while Des is coming, right? I've always had a fantasy... Because I'm sure that's going to take a couple minutes. I've always had a fantasy to actually have sex. Like, to meet a beautiful blind girl. Wouldn't that be great?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, she doesn't know how hot she is. You know, you can treat her like shit a little better. Or you could just... You know? She has no idea she's a 10. You're like, you're alright. You're okay.

But you needn't be talking to me like that. I'll fucking leave you. They need to have a website to find these. Because what are they doing? There's probably gymnasiums of these blind girls. Gymnasiums? Is that a unit of measurement? Yes. When it comes to blind people. Is that happening?

Is somebody getting des? Is he still here? Okay. Maybe we do another one? Really interesting. A comedian under 21 who's blind. I mean, this guy's going to be a star no matter what. Oh, yeah, dude.

He should be on America's Got Talent. Does stand-up. Is this thing on? You know what I mean? Like, any joke is automatically funny when you're blind. I mean, what can't be? How can you not kill? He's going to.

He's already starting, and he's under 21. Like, I'm honored to meet this guy. Des Delgadil. He's got to change his last name. We'll talk about that. This is going to be interesting no matter what. This is like comedy history. I almost like the anticipation leading up to it.

Delgadil Dito? Well, this might take a while. Yeah, let's just do one more. He can't see stairs and things like that. I saw him in the back. I saw him coming up here. Is he wearing sunglasses or something? He did have the cane like Ralphie had

in Christmas Story when he ate the soap. Definitely whopping. It was soap poisoning. We'll do one while we're waiting. Put your hands together for Peter Christian Hessing. Yes! Peter Christian Hessing. Banned.

This guy better be fucking blind. Then he's blacklisted. Blacklisted. Tommy. Done with. I love it. There you go. The amount of disrespect.

We'll never hear of Peter Christian Hessing again. What, are you blind? Oh. Anyway. All right. Well, there you have it. Des Delgadito is going to be a star one day, but I guess it doesn't start here tonight.

He's probably just pink dot going in circles. Probably heard me say his name, and he's on stage in the main room right now. Of the House of Blues. This is not going well. I mean... I thought there was like at least 30 or 40 people that said they were going

to this show, but I mean, I am really bombing up here. I know I walked up on the stage. Alright, put your hands together for your next comedian. Cody Morley, everybody. Cody Morley. Hey guys.

I think I'm exactly young enough, the very youngest you can be, to still remember when pornography was a hard thing to get. You remember you had to go down into the basement, some weird corner, open up a bus of Abe Lincoln, push a red button, bookcase opens up, you slide down, you're in your dad's clothes, now you've got to answer a sphinx's riddles. You get them all right, you can go down the hallway, but you've got to run, because if you walk, then you're not going to beat the giant boulder following you. Go to where the hallway narrows, you hit the wall, secret door.

You dig in the old sea chest, not the new sea chest, that's a trap, you find a VHS tape. Depends on what your dad's into, my dad obviously Batman, so, Blacks on Blondes 13, that's what my dad likes. Then you needed privacy. Get the VCR so low that all you could hear is the tracking, just ear the TV. All they can hear is the dog. And he the TV. All you can hear is the dog. And he's just happier out of peanut butter. Really.

This is more of a joke, but I think I only got a minute. So I'm done. Thank you. There you go. You nailed it at 57.7 seconds. That's Cody Morley. What's a sea chest? A sea chest?

Yeah. It's something a sailor takes to sea with him. I mean a treasure chest. Kind of. It's like what a guy in the Navy takes his belongings in with him. You get a sea chest and a sea bag. Sea chest. S-E-A.

Sea, right? S-E-A, yes. Out to sea. It just seems treasure chests would make more sense. Yeah, I feel like treasure chests paint the picture. Sometimes you might want to contribute to the lowest common denominator because it's going to be somebody who doesn't understand that. You know what I mean? There are the red bands of the world. Yeah, I feel like treasure chest paints the picture. Sometimes you might want to contribute to the lowest common denominator because it's going to be somebody who doesn't understand that, you know what I mean?

There are the red bands of the world. Sea chest, what does he mean? By round of applause out there, how many of you knew what he meant by sea chest originally? Give it up for the Navy people. I love how Mark Sarah claps to try to be smart. I knew what it was. Four more people than I expected.

Two people. One and two. And this guy started was. Four more people than I expected, actually. Two people. One and two. And this guy started clapping before I got to the end of the question. When I said, how many of you knew? By round of applause, are you present? I'm a fucking genius. I know what kind of boxes they were using when they were shipping things across the... Is that how you talk?

Yeah. I knew it. I have no idea who you are, but you have the look of a fucking guy that's just my fucking life, man. I bet he says, what do you want from me a lot? What do you want from me? You from New York City? No, never been. Philly?

Where are you? South Bay. Florida? Like Miami? What do you mean South Bay? South Bay Shore? Brooklyn? What? No. Northern California?

Glendale. Burbank. Southern San Francisco. Cerritos Auto Square. Can you name a city that you were near? San Pedro. San Pedro. It's all around there.

South Bay. It's not in the 30-mile zone, so it doesn't matter. Let's talk about his jokes. I totally forgot about you, Cody Morley. I liked his porno joke about that because porno was hard to score. When I was a kid, you had to go to the 7-eleven behind the 7-eleven in the bush like people would store like swank and gallery like the hardcore ones where you like open the page each page of girls legs on it it's like a science fucking experiment but you would get it or your cop buddy like your dad was a cop or

somebody like that that's where you'd score porn but it wasn't my dad just had a stack underneath his fucking like clothes in the closet and they all had water damage, and it was water damage. It wasn't like cum damage. My actual dad had an actual bat cave you had to sneak in. Really? In a corner of the basement

with a secret door. Yeah. Like kept the porn stars. I didn't have a dad, but I had an uncle who, and my uncle owned a bar, so what would happen was, and this was a lot of my first jerking off moments.

But what happened was he had this amazing satellite dish that when I was like whatever 13 or 12 or whatever that happened but the channels would just come in. But what's interesting is since it was on the second floor of this bar that he owned

there was a TV above his TV that had what was going on in the bar. So I knew when he would be coming up the stairs and shit. So I'd be watching both TVs. Finish! Finish! I really hope I don't get caught.

What happens if you finish but you're looking at the wrong TV? Right, exactly. You're staring at your uncle. You blew a load on your uncle. Anyway, Cody Morley, everybody. He's at Cody Morley. Uncles are used to it. That's why you don't look

at the porn on your phone because then somebody texts you like your buddy does and you're like, oh, I got my... Yeah. You texted me, actually. Really? During a phone jerk-off? During a session. I didn't have the iPad near. Grabbed what Apple device was local.

I so rarely do that. I remember when I got my iPhone and I first looked at porn on it. I was amazed. This is a fucking revolution. We went from Snake to watching a normal porno. Yeah, feature length. Yeah, I didn't get to see much porn back then either, Tony. The most I could hope for is Porky's when they had that shower scene

or Fast Times at Ridgemont High with Phoebe Cates coming out of the pool. Nerds. Yeah, pie. Judge Reinhart was jacking off in the bathroom. That was a good one. I have a question for you, Patriot. No, that's not the part people remember. It's the Phoebe Cates part that the bathroom. That was a good one. I have a question for you, Patriot. No, that's not the part people remember. It's the Phoebe Cates part that people remember.

That was the whole scene. I mean, the music from the cars, that car song that was so good. I'm moving in stereo. That was a great scene. I have a question for you, Patriot. What are the top three keyword search words that you type in when you're looking up porno? I'll tell you. If you want to see some pretty feet, go to UGIS and type in

Brandy Bell feet. Jesus, that was not the question I asked. I can't believe you just said the words, go to UGIS. Go to UGIS. Type in Lil Orphan Annie. I know. Listen to my question, Patriot.

When you're going to jerk off on a porno website, what are three words that you find yourself typing in sometimes? Not all in the same time, but at different times. Your three favorite things that you're into. Petite. Feet. Natural.

Hairy. Why hairy? Good thing that I specifically asked for your top four. Wait, wait, what's with the hairy? Is that like having bush and no bush? Bush, wall-to-wall carpeting, you're old school, aren't you? Yeah, I mean, I like a little bush. It turns me on.

Fuck yeah, dirty crabber. There's still part of me that has a little love for the bush because we grew up on the bush, but the cleanliness factor is far better today. Well, if it's a bush or if it's just like not taken care of. little love for the bush because we grew up on the bush but the cleanliness factor is far better today. If it's a bush or if it's just not taken care of. If it's thickets and shit, I don't want nothing to do with it. Where it's like you're putting your dick in her

and you're pulling her butthole hair. And an ecosystem in it. Not really into it at all. I'm anti-bush. I really am. I just can't. It reminds me of I must have seen my mom's vagina when I came out of it and there was probably a bush there.

My mom seems like the kind of lady that would have a bush. And I'm sure I saw that vagina on my way out and I'm like I don't need to ever see anything like that again. Everybody's mom's got a bush. Whose filthy mom is ripping it off? Whose mom is that dirty of a slut that she's fucking pulling out the razor

I can't stop looking at Freddy's beard and thinking about Bush it's true well when I go down there and I eat a Dwyer is it where I really have to pull this thing back put the rubber band in pull off the Captain Lou Albano

but sometimes I'll leave it on and come up and let the things I like that let's keep this fun train moving along off the Captain Lou Albano. But sometimes I'll leave it on and come up and let the dance. I like that. Let's keep this fun train moving along. There's nothing from Death, huh? Nothing from the blind guy? What a shame. All the potential I could see in him.

Your next comedian is Frank Castillo. Oh, snap. Oh, snap. Hey, everyone. So I started prematurely balding when I was 19. Okay. The thing that sucks is like no one is ever honest with you when you start balding. And I didn't get the hint

until my mom bought me a yarmulke for Christmas. Like, we're not even Jewish. Like, I opened it up, and I was like, Mom, are we converting? She's like, no, no, no, you are, Q-Ball. Thank you. That's what I got to.

That was 21 seconds. Is there anything else you're working on that you want to add? All right, well, first, let me just tell you that the only thing that I didn't like was the absolute opening of I started prematurely balding at 19. And the okay, because you just need to go on to the next thing, right into your next sentence, because that's not really a punchline. So when you're like, okay, people are like, was I supposed to laugh at that? But you really don't need to, because that's not really a punchline.

That's just your setup anyway. So into the premature balding, into the Jew thing, which I think is hilarious. Is there anything else that you're working on? Not that I'd feel comfortable with doing in front of everyone. I'm still writing it and I'm still working on it. What's the premise of the new idea that you'd be uncomfortable talking? Alright, so

my girlfriend is I have a girlfriend. I don't know if anyone noticed. She's really good at cooking and I love her cooking. I love it so much that it ruins hot chicks for me. Every time that I see a hot chick, I have to really decide whether or not it's going to be worth it.

I see a hot chick and I'm just like, you're cute, but it's enchilada night tonight. I can't miss that. Alright. There's something there, definitely. Definitely. Yeah.

Definitely. Again, when you started that joke. Hot puss or hot plate. You know what I mean? Right. Something like that. Right. And then you take a hit at the cigarette.

I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm showing dicey. More and more. It just got dicey. Very dicey. All the way. It just got dicey. Very dicey. All the way down to the cigarette. Like you say, like, she's a whore, and I was fucking her, and that's that.

And then the laugh. Pepperoni nipples, a pepperoni pizza. There you go. It's good. There's something there. I know what he's talking about, because this girl's far hotter than my girl but it is it's like she cooks really good

and they even explore it with that it's like girl you know sevens take care of you tens not so much you know tens take care of themselves that's why they're fucking tens right yeah there's I would also just be more clear on the front end of it

it's going to help you a lot in that payoff on the end if you're more clear. Because the way that you're saying it now, you say that you have a girlfriend. And that when you see a hot chick, we don't know whether you're saying that your girlfriend's not hot. Because you don't say that. So it's sort of misleading. Whereas the idea is funnier than how you're saying it right now, which is fine because I sort of drug it out of you anyway. You didn't want to talk about it.

But take the importance of the setup being so important. It's as important as the punchline. It needs to be quick, concise, fun to the point because that all adds up to the payoff in the end. This balloon that you're blowing up for one quick pop, every breath counts. The more air that's into it, the louder the pop's going to be. Be clear

on those setups and keep rocking and rolling. If you're on Twitter, his name is at Frank C Comedy. There you go. That's Frank Castillo. Frank Castillo! A lot of names in the bucket today. That's Frank Castillo. Frank Castillo! A lot of names in the bucket today. Let's do Rapid. Rapid. Rapid.

Rapid 2. Rapid. Rapid. Rapid Rapid. Luke Schwartz. Luke Schwartz. Come on down. Oh yeah, the killer. Hey guys, how's it going? I've noticed that single guys do this thing where they carry a condom around with them all the time.

Like in their backpack or their car, wherever. Like just hope springs eternal. Like there's just going to be some sex emergency that you're just going to have to jump in and just fuck. But like it doesn't ever happen like that um clearly but the the closest i could get as a single guy like carrying that condom around to like using that condom as if i saw a sexual assault like happening that would be the only place i could use the condom. I'd have to run up to

this dude and be like, look, look, I know you're a sociopath and you have no feelings, but I also want your dick to feel nothing, too. That was my attempt. I'm sorry, everybody. Brian, in the very beginning of that, Brian pulled out this fucking pancaked magnum

disgusting fucking... It looks like you've been sitting on that for months. No, no, this is fresh. I just put this in. I always keep a condom in my back pocket. True and not funny. Here's something I would say. I keep them at home where I fuck.

Sometimes you're behind Pink Dot with that blind girl. Sex emergency. Sex emergency. You never had that happen? You go to a girl's house and you're like, I'll go back to your house and have a glass. And then you're like, oh shit, you don't have a condom?

Fuck. We used to carry him around in 8th grade thinking we were going to get the puss. Like he was saying, it was going to attract puss. He should go somewhere with that. Carrying the keys to a Mercedes won't attract a Mercedes. Nor will carrying a condom attract pussy. It's not going to happen.

But we thought that in 8th grade. Because it's back there, it will come. Yeah. Where I thought you were going to go was somewhere along the lines of what you keep in your pocket instead. And plus, again, sort of like with Carlos, there's a little bit of confusion in your setup because what you say is, some guys keep a condom in their back pocket,

and that doesn't really work. But you're not making it clear that that doesn't work for you. It seems like you're dogging those guys that have it. Because it works for me. Right. It works for other guys. Yeah, no, I'm not trying to put anyone. Maybe it's something like, I'll tell you, I

bet you anything this would kill. Like if you said something like, you know, a guy like me, you know, something like, even if I had a condom in my pocket, you know, you still have that face. So it doesn't

matter what the fuck's in your pocket because they don't see the condom in the pocket. That's not the first thing they see. They're not seeing you and going, oh, this guy's safe. I'm still me. Right. They're going, this guy looks like fucking Jeffrey Dahmer.

Not anymore. If he has a condom in his pocket, he also has a corpse under the stairs or something like that. I would really talk about that you look like a serial killer. More often. That's the vibe I want to put out there.

I mean, you really got to acknowledge it. You got to talk about what it's like living life from... I would say it doesn't work for me. I don't carry a condom in my pocket. I carry mace. I guess that's not the worst. For innocent victims. Just for fun.

To get raped. At the end of the joke, you were talking about the only time you'd get to use it if you saw somebody getting raped and you put it on that guy. Is that what you were saying? A sociopath? You were going to put the peel on his banana? Oh my god. That's what that was all for. We're just waiting're going to put the peel on his banana? Oh my god.

That's what that was all for. We're just waiting for the end to say peel on his banana. He's doing his laugh bubble right now. It's so blatant when he laughs in that suit. It's my new favorite thing. At the end, I'm completely confused on all that. If you saw somebody getting sexually raped or whatever like that, that you would

put the condom on him so he wouldn't feel it? That was the only way I could use the condom. You could find something funnier than that. Yeah, it's a really interesting reach that you're going for with that, but there might be something there that...

Because a condom's hard to put on. When somebody's getting raped, you have no chance to put it on. I'm not concerned with the logistics so much. I was just going for the laugh. Oh, my God. Patriot out of nowhere. From three-point.

Well, I happen to know when I'm raping girls, it is not easy to put a condom on whatsoever. So I keep it on all day. Like a real rapist. I don't like condoms. Jesus Christ. Duh. No one was like, that guy loves condoms.

Alright. Luke Schwartz, everybody. There he goes. Fuck yeah, that's fun, right? Yeah, it's good. It's something there. What would Morgan Freeman say about Luke Schwartz everybody there he goes fuck yeah that's fun right yeah it's good it's something there what would what would Morgan Freeman say about Luke Schwartz mmhmm

that's about what he'd say I love it where we at let's do one more out of the bucket and then we're gonna move on to our final segment of the show

hopefully Mike Glazer Mike Glazer hey what's up Hopefully. Mike Glazer. Mike Glazer. Hey, what's up, y'all? Growing up, I enjoyed doing magic. Yeah, like a Jew who likes making coins appear all the time. Really fun to do.

I'd pull them out of people's ears, which was nice, because then I'd get a quarter and it felt good. And I enjoyed that idea. But then I was doing children's birthday parties in high school and I wanted to try hypnotism. And no one would let me put their boy in a trance. So I don't know how they practice. How do hypnotism, like how do hypnotists practice? How do you get someone to nap? Or how do you get them to try napping? You can't just wave a watch like an asshole. No one will want you to. No one wants to quack or bark against their

control. 10,000 hours, I guess. I don't know. Alright, that's what I'm working on right now. Alright, a joke about hypnosis, and everybody in the room got very, very sleepy. So it actually made sense if you add that part to it and not do any of the beginning stuff again.

Cut out that 50 seconds that you just did. Just add the part. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, you talked about hypnosis and how they would practice there's really not much how long have you been doing stand-up mike for five years wow look at you how about interesting where are you from chicago nice how long have you been here two months cool yeah yeah i like this place that's. Yeah. So just come up and have everyone nap. Hypnosis.

Yeah, I mean, you could say, I like the idea of, like, how do you train a hypnotist? You know, like, do you start off with just waving in somebody's face real close? Or, like, there might be something there. How many stopwatches do you have to go through? How many drugs do you have to actually use in the beginning before you can... How many roofies are you slipping through? Before the placebo effect begins.

Drink a little bit of this. What is the idea of the setup though? Were you really a magician? Did you really do all that? I love that. In my mind it's like, oh, protection of getting into a weird new thing by just talking about myself for a minute first.

Yeah, I love that. But I like the idea of a lot of getting people to nap against their will so I can get them to bark later. Do you have bits about you doing magic and being a magician at some point? I have a short story about a magician who kills himself. Oh, that sounds fun. How long did you do magic for? Did you do magic?

I did. How long did you do it for? I did it for like six years. Are you still doing it? Do you go to the comedy and magic club up there? I want to go there. I don't do magic. Can you do any magic for us right now?

If I had some rubber bands, I could separate them. Okay, cards maybe? Can you do anything with cards? Do you have rubber bands? He keeps rubber bands around his condoms. Good one, Tommy. Thank you. To keep their hair out of their face.

He's got a good beard going on there, huh? Yeah, it is. It's very sturdy. He goes for the heavy mustache with the beard. I like that look. It's a good look. It's very well-trended. It's very Tombstone, Arizona look. I like it. Yeah, it is. It's very sturdy. He goes for the heavy mustache with the beard. I like that look. It's a good look. It's very well-trended. It's very Tombstone, Arizona look.

He's like Wyatt Earp met Paul Simon. Totally. Wait, so you trim a different length when you have your mustache? I have what's called the natural with the integrated mustache, Redman. Oh, you guys and your testosterone. I keep the mustache from growing over the lip,

but I let the rest grow as it wants to. Okay, yeah. I cut the lip. Yeah. We have pretty lips, both of us. Yeah, I do. They're full. I want to show them off. How the fuck do I grow a fucking beard, man? Oh, it ain't happening by now, bro. It's just one of those things where it's like, how could this possibly be?

And I'm still waiting for it. I'm 29 now, but I still think about it. It's like, what the fuck happened? How the fuck? I can do waiting for it. I'm 29 now, but I still think about it. It's like, what the fuck happened? How the fuck? I can do so many things. If you rub your face on my ass crack, it will probably grow within two days.

Brian. I can expect that from the Patriot, Brian. The Patriot speaking. I heard you describe it on the Ice House Chronicles, and you say it grows out. It just grows out in patches. Yeah. So it's very interesting that that happens.

You don't want to be hairy, man. You don't want to be hairy. I mean, Freddy looks like he's lucky he's not too hairy, like on the back and in the chest or anything. But usually if you're hairy up in the face, you're usually hairy everywhere. The older you get, it starts going everywhere. I saw an ear hair the other day.

I got lots of ear hair. Your arms are smooth so you can wear like... Oh, this guy's about to butt fuck you, bro. Oh, no. He's liking what he sees. He's liking what he sees. I keep the hand down a little bit. Keep it going for Mike Glazer.

I like Mike. Good stuff, Mike. Yeah, definitely. Keep rocking, man. There you go. He's on Twitter at GlazerBooHooHoo. We're now going to move on to our final portion of the show. As always, we have two regular, very funny ladies who do a minute each every single week since the inception. Put your hands together for, as always, your first of the two, the one and only Sarah Mostajabi.

I was getting ready to go out on a date last week, and I realized I was spending entirely too much time trying to pick out a pair of panties. You guys don't fucking care. You don't fucking care. It doesn't matter. This guy's about to spend $19 on a couple Big Macs and a pack of Zimas for what? A fucking pair of panties?

I don't think so. It's not about that. Guys, unfortunately, don't have it that easy. It's a little creepier with you guys, kind of where you wear the little white paper envelope. Please don't bring that out. That's terrifying. Or the plaid boxers.

No one wants to fight a fortress of plaid fabric to get to a dick. That's not good. Just maybe throw on some boxer briefs and call it a day. Make it easy for everybody. Make it less creepy. That's all I got, you guys.

There she is, Sarah Mostajabi. With the underwear stuff. That's interesting. Yeah. What was the first part? underwear stuff. That's interesting. Yeah. What was the first part? Guys don't spend... What was the first part? The first part is talking about I spend way too much.

I was literally last week trying to pick out underwear and I don't know why because it doesn't fucking matter. Why would I even... Well, did you wear that underwear on purpose or is that the most beautiful vagina I've ever seen in my life? Wow, you are really fucking rocking it tonight.

Holy shit. You don't want to wear pants when you're performing on a stage. You can't see anything. It's like a mouth breather. You can clearly see it. It's sucking in right now. It's blatant.

It looks like... It looks like... Is it camel toe? No. Oh, yes. Patriot, I'm pretty sure that you wished it to come true. Yeah, a camel toe would be a light way of putting it. It's more of a camel's hoof. There's like multiple toes, and it's basically almost a camel's arm.

It's not offensive, though. I'm not offended by it at all. Oh, no, not at all. It's fine. Quite captivated, actually. It's fine, and it's great, but it's definitely not professional. You know what I mean? Like, you wouldn't want to...

Nobody's going to... Nobody's gonna... It's hypnotic, though. It is. Well, yeah. That's the point, is that when you're doing stand-up, you don't want people daydreaming at your vagina.

I mean, guys are gonna stare at that, and chicks are gonna hate you, because... Especially when you're talking about underwear, is what I'm saying. It's like a really interesting pair of pants that you're wearing because

not only does it accentuate the camel toe, but the front is almost completely missing of these pants. It's sexy as fuck. She's super fucking cute and that's what takes it away from her. Of course, but I'm just saying those pants make it look like she got raped by Freddy Krueger. They're cut up. It's adorable, but

we've talked about this before. Like, you know, I mean, as far as doing stand-up, then you've got to dress the part in some way, and that's definitely, that's the last thing that anyone who I know that's succeeding on the female end of doing stand-up. What was that laugh?

I was getting a picture of that. Yeah, jerk-off city. What was that laugh? He's getting a picture of that. Jerkoff City. It's not a professional pair of pants. I would work on the pants. I really didn't notice that. Very sexy. I would sit there and be like, damn, that shit's sexy as fuck.

I wouldn't even think about what you're talking about. Totally. You've got to dress the part. Too sexy. You've got to almost dress like a boy to do stand-up. There she is, Sarah Mostajabi. We've got to fly, baby. And if you go both ways, if Brady were up here

wearing a thong, it would be hard. The girls would not listen. They wouldn't look at his fucking thong. If I was wearing those pants, I'd be in big trouble. Put your hands together for your next comedian. As always, the one and only Kimberly Congdon. Hey, only. Hey there.

My mom thinks I'm immature. She called me the other day, and she's like, Kimberly, you don't know anything. You don't know what's happening in the world. You need to grow up. I'm like, Mom, I watch the news, and I'm not immature. There are some really Syria things happening. I'm not kidding.

I'm being Syria. She's like, that's not funny. I'm like, okay, Mom, I know what's going on. CBS and Time Warner had that little battle, right? They had a month-long blackout. Did you know that? Yeah. Big deal. I did that my freshman year of college.

She's like, you're so immature. You don't know what's going on. I'm like, okay, I might be immature, but you have a really big problem with Jewish people, so I'm going to get off the phone. That's it. Good job. Always good.

Short, sweet, thunderous jokes. You've packed them into one format of which you're talking to your mom. It's an easy outlet to unload those three topical jokes. The only thing I would add to it is acknowledge that your mom is, right, Puerto Rican? Right, I would acknowledge that from the top, you know, that it's always interesting listening to your mom because then that'll make that pop a little bit. Cause people are like, well,

you know, it's just a little, it normally I say trim stuff and make jokes shorter. But with that, it's just to throw that in there on that front end so that people aren't surprised when they hear a stronger accent. But other than that, that's a very impressive.

You're, you're killing it. Kimberly, uh, every, every week with a new minute. And great job to both you and Sarah Dresses. Good job covering your vagina so I can't see it also.

There she goes. Freddie, anything you want to promote? I'm on Twitter now. Oh, really? Actually, I've been for a while. Freddie Lockhart on Twitter. Awesome. Freddie Lockhart on Twitter. I. Freddie Lockhart on Twitter.

And then my podcast on Wednesdays at 6 p.m. on Toad Hop. That's what's good? That's what's good. But most importantly, find me on PlayStation 3 if you think you're the shit of Call of Duty Black Ops. I will fuck you up, son. Come look at me. And Grand Theft Auto, baby. And Grand Theft Auto.

I will drive by, shoot, and pepper your ass up like it's nobody's business. And don't try to be my friend on the online world. Very nice guy in real life, but I will shoot you in your face online. My name is Mr. Majestic, which is a Charles Bronson movie. Look it up, because that's who I am. It's Mr. fucking Majestic. 1-8-7 on PlayStation 3. Thank you very much.

And the champ. The fucking champ. Thank you. Thank you for having me on this. Definitely. It was a pleasure to have you. Please keep that fantasy football belt nice and clean because I'll be taking it from you in just two months.

Oh, you want to be my hype man? Carry it around for me? That's awesome. I figured with the show you're so busy. I actually open up against you on Sunday. Good luck to you, buddy. The Dead Kid Timmy versus the Hinchcliffe Winners this Sunday in fantasy football.

Comic Patriot is at Comic Patriot on Twitter. He's the Iron Patriot here. He's one of the coolest guys in the world. At Red Band, at Tony Hinchcliffe. We're going to Phoenix. The 26th, Thursday, we'll be at Stand Up Live. Go to StandUpLive.com. The following day, we'll be in Ohio with Tom Zagura and Christina Pajitsky. Go to DeathSquad.TV.

Guys, thanks a lot. I'm in Winnipeg, the 12th and the 13th. Thank you. Holy shit, I'm in La Jolla next weekend. Sorry. Music played on people's sign. Just for me, the church bells rang. Thank you. you