KILL TONY - KILL TONY #140

Episode Date: January 27, 2016

Joey Diaz, Jeff Garlin, Steve Rannazzisi, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 01/18/2016 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Hey, Tony Hinchcliffe's special is now on Netflix. It's called One Shot. Watch it, rate it, review it, talk about it, tweet it. Check out Netflix. You can watch it right now for free if you're a Netflix subscriber. Also, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for all his tour dates, including, I believe he's going to Caroline soon.

So, if you live in New York, check that out. Also, go to ShopSquad.tv for all the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. And Death Squad's going on the road. We're going all over the place. And you can go to deathsquad.tv to find all the tour dates. Not only do we record every Monday, Kill Tony in the Belly Room, but we also do Verbal Violence, which is the podcast of the roast battle, every Tuesday. We also do Verbal Violence, which is the podcast of the Roast Battle, every Tuesday.

And San Jose, Death Squad's coming to San Jose. Me, George Perez, and Kate Quigley. That's March 18th and March 19th. And big announcement, Kill Tony Seattle. That's right. We're bringing Kill Tony up to Seattle March 24th. And then we're going to be doing some comedy shows there that that weekend you can find all the dates by going to death squad TV And click on tour dates alright guys. Here's a brand new episode kill Tony

Hey, that's a serpent coming to you live from the road famous famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 3. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Hi. Hi, everybody. Hi, it's me, Tony. Keep it going for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. He's here live in the flesh. The man, the myth, the legend.

And keep clapping your hands for Reagan and Watkins, ladies and gentlemen. That sweet saxophone is here tonight. Jeremiah Watkins was featured on Kimmel last week. Pat Reagan, our favorite little goofball to bash during this show. And how about we make noise one more time for the house artist, Ryan J. E. Belt. Yeah. Right now, he's got a blank sheet of paper in front of him. As the show goes on, he's going to draw tonight's episode like he does every other week.

And every single one of his prints are available at ryanjebelt.com. And finally, one last round of applause for the man behind the HD camera, the one and only Jamie Vernon, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, young Jamie. One of the great rising producers in all of the game. Just revamped my website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. He's a fucking amazing artist and genius.

We love Jamie. Guys, give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe, Netflix special, Run Shy. God damn, that's awesome. Oh, yeah. We did it. I have been wanting to announce that on this show for so fucking long.

And here is this is how the universe works out. It's already been out for four days. And so, Kill Tony fans, I have a one-hour special on Netflix that's already made it to the front page, bitches. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. My agents wanted me to spend front page, bitches. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

My agents wanted me to spend $4,000 on a PR guy. I said, I got this shit. It'll market itself. Anyway, more important than that is that we've been doing Kill Tony for two and a half years. And comedians, I always have some of the best comedians come here, and they sit right here, and we watch newer or new-to-LA comedians do 60 seconds of stage time, and we talk to them. And over this two and a half years, we've had so many of the great comedians in the world. I've been so lucky to make friends with a lot of these people, and we've had all the best. And tonight we literally have on this triple panel the guest who has been the most in demand

and he's here tonight and I'm going to bring all three of them up at once. This is a special episode of what we're going to call Overkill Tony because this is completely just thunder and lightning the entire way through. Put your hands together for these guys. It's Joey Diaz, Steve Ranazzisi,

and Jeff Garlin, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is unbelievable. Holy shit. This is ridiculous. We need more stage.

Oh my goodness. What have we done this time? For the first time, not only do we have a full band, but we also have but we also have perhaps the most unbelievable deus that this show has ever had graced upon it guys welcome Joey Diaz it's your first time on Kill Tony

fuck it let's do this oh shit check check check check thank you for having me brother thank you it's so exciting definitely one of my favorite comedians, and I'm so glad to have him. Oh, I guess I missed somebody's shout-out at the beginning of the show, huh?

Pre-hands together for Josh Martin Comic, everybody. Right there. So desperate for attention that he will wiggle the lights at an inopportune time just to get his name announced. The horse of truth has already come out. You'll hear that horse anytime anything honest is said tonight. And I get the feeling you're going to hear that a lot.

Peer hands together. It's the return of Jeff Garland, everybody. Come on. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. He is back. Thunder and lightning. And welcome back. The. He is back. Thunder and lightning.

And welcome back. The one, the only, one of my favorites, Steve Ranazizi. Thank you. Thank you. It's been a long time. So good to have you guys. So much fun. We're going to watch stand-up comedians do 60 seconds,

and we're going to talk to them about anything in the world. Maybe we give them a little bit of advice. Maybe we try to find something else they can talk about. Maybe we make fun of them a little bit. Anything can happen. Jeff, you know you were on this show just a few weeks ago. Yeah. Hey,

you know, when I was on the show, I was terrible. I was you know, I figured it out. I couldn't, like, figure it out because it was just like it missed. And here's what it was. The night before, in the original room, I was completely dressed as Santa Claus. Not specifically for that, but nonetheless, I did Santa Claus being really mean to everyone and i enjoyed it and the audience enjoyed it never taking into account into account that it was santa claus so the next

night i'm here and i was mean to everyone except for most of the comics who came up because that's hard but everybody else i told to go fuck off. And I'm sorry. The horse of truth. By the way, I don't know what that means. That means that you were being honest and saying that you were mean to everyone except for the comedians. It was what we would call a little bit of a rugged outing.

I've never had a guest apologize after the show. Oh, no, it was bad. No, it was really bad. I had some trolls on it. I'm not on what's the one where people say you should Twitter? Yeah, I'm on Instagram. Yeah, I'm an old man.

So, but I'm on Instagram and some guys told me I should die and then of course That feels great, right? Doesn't that feel good? Yeah, and their accounts were locked, of course. But some people were very like, you know, you were disappointing. I didn't dig it.

And I wrote them and told them I agreed with them and said I was sorry. Well, redemption is yours tonight. Are you guys ready to start Kill Tony or what? Absolutely. The bigger the man, the bigger the mistake. The bigger the man, the bigger the mistake. Whatever bigger the man, the bigger... Whatever you say. The bigger the man. I'm just a large man.

So, comedians, you know how it works. This bucket is filled with names of people that signed up for this show. We're only going to get through a few of them. Comedians, you get 60 seconds of stage time. We get to meet you, figure out something about you. Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, you can barely hear it. Let's hear it one more time, Brian.

That means your time's up. Wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There it is. A little bit of an elephant there at the end, just for good measure. That's a weird combo of a bear and an elephant. I don't want to acknowledge that.

What area of the world are they located together? San Diego Zoo. So here we go. Ready for Kill Tony? Woo! Come on, Monday. Let's fucking do this shit. Come on, Monday.

Let's fucking do this shit. The thousands on Ustream just made more noise than you fuckers did. I'm pulling a name out of the bucket. We're going to watch 60 seconds and get it kicked off with, oh, I love this. One of the things from hosting this show is you get to figure out when you pull a name out the diabolical type of character

you could be dealing with. Now, this is a new name, but any time a name isn't just a real name, it's always something a little bit special. Put your hands together for Just Jack. We don't interrupt the 60 seconds because there's not even a second.

Just Jack has left. Is he back there? Is there anyone coming through? Just Jack has left. Is he back there? Is there anyone coming through? Just Jack? Listen to all the comedians bombing up there, guys. Oh, he's there jacking her off in her silence.

Hopefully you don't get picked whoever made that shitty joke. By the way, ironically, Just Jack's favorite song was Africa. People don't know that. Comes full circle. Yeah, there you go. We acknowledge the elephant in the room.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Ramsey Badaway. Wow. Fine. God. Feeling a little bit guilty today. I feel like I wasted a lot of water. You guys know, everybody knows California is in a pretty big drought. But what a lot of people don't know, one of the greatest causes of the drought, almond farming.

For every one almond requires 1.1 gallons of water. Well this morning I spilled a gallon of almond milk. I did the math 53,000 gallons of water. I would have saved more water if I threw a pipe bomb into an aquarium. It's not been a good year for me. I don't know if you guys heard, but McDonald's recently decided to stop feeding their chickens antibiotics. Which is great news for the chickens. Terrible news for me, because I don't have health insurance. You guys, McDonald's chicken meat was my only access to antibiotics.

True story, I once cured strep throat with two McChicken sandwiches. Whoa, there it is. Just like that. So sorry. I didn't hear the cat. I didn't hear the cat either. I'm so sorry, man. In his defense, I didn't hear a cat. I didn't hear a kitten either.

Sorry, guys. Really blew it on that fucking kitten there. And you scared me with the bear It's good yeah And if that came off as mean Fuck me Ramsey this is your first time on the show right I did it one other time

A while back Very memorable performance Well welcome back That's fun How's it going how long have you lived in LA I've been here for like two months now. Two months. You've already got an almond milk joke.

Congratulations. Yeah, absolutely. You're fitting in well. I love that. Where are you from? Long Beach. I mean, I'm from here pretty much. Yeah.

And you've been doing stand-up for how long? Like a year and a half, two years. You started in Long Beach? Yeah. You still live in Long Beach? No, no, no. I live in Echo Park. Oh, yeah. You look like it. They give you those glasses when you move. And the jean jacket on the way in.

Josh Martin starter kit. Ooh. Somebody uploaded a picture of him recently and then it tagged me. Is that true about almonds, by the way? It is true, right? Yeah, it's true. 1.1 gallons of water, yeah, for one almond. That's an interesting little fun

fact you got there. Absolutely. I love that. Guys, what do you think about Ramsey? What are your initial impressions? What nationality are you? Palestinian. Oh. Yeah. Interesting. Just straight up 100% Palestinian

yep 100% you gonna work that angle at all or no? I do I try to yeah I do yeah sometimes yeah you have any history with Palestinians at all? any uh he'll never be on the

Goldbergs and we're off He'll never be on the Goldbergs. And we're off. No offense. You're a funny motherfucker. Thank you, man. I appreciate it. You'll be on Off the Boat with the Koreans. They'll never put you on Goldberg.

Just the way it is, brother. Thank you. We have an area next to the Goldberg today. A subsect area. Fenced off. I wonder how long it is until we'll have a good Middle Eastern family sitcom on one of the big three stations. You haven't seen Aaron Cato lately, have you? No, I haven't.

He's at home smoking cigarettes, writing a pilot right now for ABC. Really? Yeah. Oh, wow. That's cool. He's so likable. He should be a huge hit. Who's that?

Aaron Kader. Aaron Kader's a fucking savage. He's a likable, likable, the most unlikable comic going. Well, he doesn't probably look funny. Normally when a Palestinian's writing a pilot, they're writing a note to a pilot that says, hand over the plane, you fucking...

No, Aaron Kader, that's good. Is he really writing one? No, no, I'm just teasing. Yeah, I'm teasing, too. Good luck to you. Thank you so much. Are you dismissing him right now? Well, no, no, I just told him good luck. He's been doing it, what, a year and a half? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What can I say to him?

He's a fucking savage. Don't let anyone stop you. Thank you, thanks. Keep up the good fight. And really, if this is what you care about and want to do, just keep on doing it. What do you do for work, Ramsey? I work for, I do like data entry. Den entry? Data entry.

Oh, data entry. I think you like enter dens. He walks into a den, someone goes, here's a 20. Just in fact, you're at the store a year and a half. you should pat yourself in the back that's yeah thank you very much yeah you picked apart that subject thanks there's no meat on the bones and the almond fucking anymore you got it but yeah just keep going good for you Thank you, Ralph. Good luck, brother. Keep out of the way.

And we're off and running. Tony, Tony. That is the truth, though. Someone's doing it a year and a half. Oh, yeah. Just, yeah, good luck. Fight it, man. Yeah, exactly.

Or quit and get out of other people's way. Right. Exactly. Those are the two options, really. Totally. Keep up the fight or get the hell out. That's it. Those are your options. And he knows that because

he's an ISIS. Fuck yeah. Keep up the fight or get the fuck out. Could be. I love that. So multicultural. Ramsey is from the Middle East and Just Jack is not a human being. Put your hands together for your next comedian. I know her.

She is like a fucking Ivy League student who was on the show a couple years ago multiple times and was a cold-blooded assassin, and now she's back. Put your hands together for Sierra Cattell. Oh, shit. Hey, everybody. How's it going? I have some good news to share with you guys. Sorry to brag.

I've just been inducted into the Society of Flat-Chested Women. Lots of fun. We meet on Wednesdays, so it's good. Instead of chest bumps, we do sternum bumps. That's this bone. Anatomy. Yeah, I like talking about my boobs on stage, in quotations. Because, you know, they showed up right they're doing their best

generally standing in the right spot you know they're just like too small to play so we'll give them the participation medal of boobage i think is what i want to do like they'll never make varsity but everyone's a winner these days so that's a lot of fun my bra size is a double A. Do you guys know what that is? Yeah? Sir? Good. It means that it's flatter than an A. Yeah, that's right. I made it happen, folks. It just feels like I'm buying batteries every time I want to get a new bra. Unlike the batteries,

there's not much of a positive side to my double A's. So... Fuck yeah, Sierra. Sierra, to Tao. Now, Sierra, remind me, are you still in college? Yeah, I am. What college

is it again? So, I'm at Harvard. Harvard. Last year. Wow. Harvard, and you come to the death star of comedy and talk about your tits sometimes. Sure. Yeah, that was today's bit. I have other material if it's not.

I love it. Harvard, it's very important that you get A's. Right, yeah. I think maybe you could mix in a little bit of the real stuff and also that maybe in some way. I mean, I just got an applause break off the shit, so it might work for you.

Good, good. So how close are you to graduating? I have one more semester. This is my last break back here before I graduate in May. Yay. Very cool. That's amazing. Don't use my degree. And what's your degree in? Computer science. Right. Can you take off the coat so we can see what we're working on?

Whoa, Brian. Brian, no. I just said. Do not do that, Brian. Bad Brian. Yeah. Well, that's amazing. And so how long? You come and you visit in like spurts, right?

And then you go back. Yeah. So winter, that's now. For the holidays, I'll come back. Summers, I come and you visit in like spurts, right? And then you go back. Yeah. So winter, that's now. For the holidays, I'll come back. Summers, I come back. Work during the day, do comedy at night. Try to do it in Boston. Not very good about it because I started here, from out here.

And when I'm out there, I'm just doing a lot of school, unfortunately. School. You have a job? After I graduate, is that what you're asking? Or like in school? Right now, you just... Right now? No.

Right. You have those parents paying for that Harvard... Oh, I know, I know, I know, I know. They pay my college tuition, so I can tell dick jokes. Dentist. Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah, just the teeth. Very good.

Guys, Ciara Cattow is here. She's going to Harvard. She's doing stand-up. What do you guys think about this? Well, first thing I want to say is there has never been a situation where a comedian's walked up on stage and an audience has thought to themselves, fuck, she's flat-chested. So really, and you're wearing a jacket, so nobody gives a shit.

And that's not mean I'm about, because clearly you at home, you're really kind and you have a nice way about you on stage. I just would talk about things you're passionate about and not things at home alone you're insecure about, unless it's rather obvious about it you know but your breasts i wasn't uh one way or another you were a lovely young lady coming to the stage i wasn't going what the fuck she's even wearing a bra what the fuck's going on you were all good as far as i was concerned so i'm just saying talk about what you care about or what, you know.

If it causes you anxiety, get really to the anxiety. I see. You know. But the light jokes about it, nobody cares, nobody sees. Okay. All right, there you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought that was pretty good.

Oh, yeah, totally. No, it's true. I mean, you know, somewhere right in between you and Brian in that I think that, you know, if it has to be acknowledged, I mean, if you're going to acknowledge it, then it should be sort of semi-blatant. You know, like I. Topless. Come up topless. Yeah. No.

Wait, hold on a second here. If they're that small and you come up topless, they're going to go, is she a boy? And then you go, no, I'm a girl. Look at this. I'm like a little girl in a kiddie pool. Let's try it that way. You know what I'm saying? So, you know, I say enough with the bosoms.

Enjoy your life. Steve Rant is easy. Well, I think she's definitely more fresh off the boat than Goldberg's. Thank you. I didn't get that. Nothing against you. That might be the greatest thank you in the history

of this show, by the way, without a doubt. I don't know what it means. You should just, how much longer you at Harvard? A couple more months? Go swing by the Lampoon and just see if you could submit jokes or do something. Have you tried that already? Yeah, I just finished up being VP.

Of the Lampoon? Oh, you're going to be fucking, fuck you. You're fine. Big bow of your life. You're in Boston. Come out here and get a writing job. Good luck. You're going to be great.

I think what my man has said, it's perfect. Don't worry about your little breasts, whatever. Who gives a fuck? Thank you. You got a nice smile. You got a nice delivery. And besides that, you're going to Harvard. Things get bad.

Fuck this comedy shit. Wait till the old man kicks the bucket and you get the will, and that's it. You know what I'm saying? That's right. I mean, he's a fucking dentist. There's something. Yeah, wait for your dad to die. That's always the best advice to young comics.

Mr. Garland, they call me Mr. Garland. Mr. Garland, what should I do about my career? How old's your father, son? He's in his 60s not too much longer you can make it a new food what city what city is your dad a dentist in it sounds pretty cool until you factor in Armenians don't go to dentists. Are there a lot of Armenians in South Pasadena?

Oh, yeah. Pasadena is like me. Not Pasadena. South Pasadena. South Pasadena. It's a different area, man. Armenians got their own dentist, dog. Yeah.

They travel with their own dentist? It's like Japanese only buy from Japanese sushi fish. You know, the fishermen. Same thing. If you're white, you're not going to sell fish to a Japanese sushi dude I'm telling you right now my friend was in a fish business so he used to tell me if you're not Japanese you're not gonna sell them fucking fish they only buy from the Japanese Jews only do business with Jews you know the fucking deal how much material would you say that you

have have you ever done done a longer set? Yeah, I guess I've done like a half hour. Which is your favorite Pirates of the Caribbean? The first one? Yeah, the first one. I would think so. Good answer.

Yeah, the first one. You want to know. You do. I love that. Would you like to do the ice house next Friday I would I'm gone I leave on Thursday back to Harvard I'm sorry

like literally I've been wanting to do that ever since you guys started that I'm sorry so see if you can change that

while you do shows I'll do my best yeah sometimes we invite people to go to the ice house well next time you're back in town

let me know I'd like to see more of you. Career over. No, good luck to you. Good luck to you. Good luck. Sierra Cattow, everybody. There she goes.

She's on Twitter. It's Sierra Cattow. Sierra, K-A-T-T-O-W. All one word. Would you play Acknowledgement by John Coltrane? Love that saxophone. What do you know how to play that we might know? That one song, yep.

I had a feeling. Yep. No, we know how it goes. Can I just tell you something? When I hear a young guy doing careless whisper i just feel like i feel like can i just say something it's like smoking pot yeah i feel like i feel good centered thank you keep the riff going maybe it's better this way you heard about what they want to say. We should have been so good together. We should have been the last

forever. There you go. Jeremiah Watkins. I love it. That was so good, Sierra just grew tits, guys. It's a miracle. She's at a C cup right now. Put your hands together for your next comedian. I pulled a name outits, guys. It's a miracle. She's at a C cup right now. Put your hands together for your next comedian.

I pulled a name out of the bucket. It's Don McNeely. Oh, shit. How's it going? Holy shit. I think Gucci should start a clothing line for babies and call it Gucci Goo. That's my pun.

Somebody said they like puns. I don't remember who that was. I got fat years ago. It was sort of weird. It was 240 pounds. I was pretty big. It was weird because I didn't know that I was getting fat. I don't know if anybody's ever experienced that.

But it was too gradual when it was happening. I didn't know it was happening. I just one day realized that I was fat. I remember that day, too. I was going to meet some friends for drinks. I was leaving my apartment, and I stopped to check myself in the mirror. I saw that I was wearing, like, a T-shirt

and some skinny jeans. Then I remembered that I've never purchased a pair of skinny jeans. So that was the alarming moment. I was like, shit, now I'm going to eat salads. That was the alarming moment. Shit, now I'm going to eat salads. That's all I got. 53 seconds of Don McNeely.

Alright, I've been doing this show a while. I'm going to take a guess here. Tell me if I'm right. You have been doing stand-up for seven months. Wrong. How long? This is my fourth time. Fourthup for seven months. Wrong. How long? This is my fourth time. Fourth time ever.

Yeah. Congratulations. Very good. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Hold on, hold on. You were right. I think I started seven months ago, but I've done it four times. That's exactly what I was going to say, Jack.

Look at Tony. Exactly right. Was that you started seven months ago, but you barely ever do it. But by the way, that's quite the commitment from the young fellow. Yeah, really digging in. Once every two months, you'll grow. I'm a busy man. It's April 6th. I think I should do stand-up.

Yeah, it's on my calendar. And have all four of your sets been one minute apiece? No, no. I have the terrible honor of doing seven-minute sets as a beginner. And I say terrible because I'm fucking terrified, but there's this place in Palms. There's seven-minute open mic sets. Palms?

Palms by Culver City. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Is there an audience there? Yeah, yeah. Actually, you know, it's... Are they still there after you do seven minutes?

They stopped the show, actually, last night. What do you do for work, Don? I own a little skin care company with a friend. Oh, wow. Lotion? Very fancy. Jeff Garland's a big fan of lotions. Lotion, creams?

Creams, lotions, all natural, yeah. What's the difference between a lotion and a cream? Cream is very thick. If you tip it, like, upside down, it doesn't fall out. Cream is oil-based. Lotion is water-based. Don't talk to me like that, Jeff. I know what I'm talking about. Whoa! There we go.

Let me say this right now. You think that was a slam? I have been waiting... Hold on. I have been waiting for somebody to shoot me the straight dope about lotions and cream. So lotion has less oil than cream. Typically, I mean, lotions are not as good. They put a bunch of filler in them.

And a cream, if it's a real cream, it's like... A little dab will do you. A little dab will do you. What are you slinging over at the... What's the name of your skincare company uh heliotrope heliotrope do you know what they're known for a hint of jism just a little touch just a hint not a dollop not a spoonful a hint and it's so much so that when you put it on your skin you go hmm is that jism i'm not sure i don't know it's just the slightest hint jism they just put them in once in a while it's like a willy wonka golden ticket if you get it you know they only they only put one in once every two months

i sling it out of a we own a store in san francisco and then we do wholesaling interesting heliotrope heliotrope. You should change it to it puts the lotion in the basket. That does have a catchy ring to it. Or it gets the hose again. And then shut your business down. Are you an actor? You look like a good actor. You have a good actor voice. I'm not even a good comedian. It's a lot easier to be a good actor.

Yeah. A lot easier to be a good actor. Just know your lines and don't bump into the furniture. Tony did pretty well on Boys Don't Cry and Million Dollar Babies oh I see what you tried to do there piece of shit I love this I'm getting bashed from the lotion guy who clearly doesn't even use his own product he's defensive

he's nervous so he's defensive he's so nervous He's so nervous. Here's the thing. Not many comedians can say this. Well, I'm trying comedy. I do it once every two months. And if I don't develop and grow, I got my lotion business. To me, if you're saying that to a woman, you are so in.

I'm in. Because women love what? Black chicks love lotion. That's not my point. Am I wrong? Never mind. I was going to go down a whole avenue, and I've just stopped my car. Oh, yeah.

I've stopped my comedy car. Oh, yeah. He stopped it. Black women could stop anything. You know what I mean? But black don't crack, my friend. They don't need the lotion as much as white ladies do. You really think that's true?

Oh, I know that's true, man. Really? That's a big bullet. Doubling down on that lotion thing. Doubling down on the lotion thing. Joey, you ever use any lotions or creams? All the time. Yeah. I was thinking about how good. Anyway, dog. This is your fourth time.

I can see you have a little bit of a sense of humor, you know. It's just you're having a hard time putting it on paper for your joke. It takes a while. You know, four times in fucking seven months. You better get it together. Thank you. I'm working on it. Get a notebook once a week and then come back here in six months

and fucking Red Band will put you up on the Ice House Chronicles. You know what I also want to say is that as far as your jokes, get to if you're going to do jokes, like your first one was a joke and the whole thing with the tight skinny jean festival, you took

a year to get there. You took like the whole time and then it was skinny jeans and it wasn't as good as it would have been. Cut that in half, you get a bigger laugh. Or add five more tags to it. I liked Gucci Goo. Or add five more tags. At Gucci Goo, I thought you were a much more

experienced comedian. I thought you'd been doing it like seven months when you did Gucci Goo. But like regularly for seven months. And then the more you went on, the more I but like regularly for seven months. And then the more you went on, the more I realized that you started seven months ago and have just done a few spots. I like puns, but I try to,

if I let myself go, I just write them all day. I'm trying not to. Well, if that's what comes naturally to you, then you can be a fucking assassin. You know what I mean? Like Mitch Hedberg and so many great, you know, quick fire comedians. What's going on, Jeff?

I smell a hint of jism. Oh, I think you got the right path. I'm not positive, but it's a hint. You should clean the microphone, I think. Are you wearing your own lotion? No. All right, well, I'm just kidding. I can't afford my own lotion.

You're really on the attack on Jeff Garland. What's going on over here? I don't care either way. But I wish you luck. I stepped on your toe. And I'm a large man. And I apologize. But you've got some sort of rubbery shit on your toe thing there.

It looks like it's a protector against fat guys stepping on your toe. What's that? You guys go on a date. Like an awkward first date. I might not be the only person to watch it. That's my idea. Thank you very much for the floor.

Well, nobody gave you the floor, Pat. You stole the floor. Yeah, nobody gave you the floor, Pat. You stole the floor. Yeah, you just totally took it. He just likes the idea of a hint of jism. Yeah, totally. I love that dismount. That's my idea.

Thank you very much. Done talking. Don, what else? What other goal? What's like something else about you that, you know, you work at a lotion company, you do stand-up once in a great while. Tell us something that's interesting.

You know how to like fly airplanes or something like that? No, no, I don't know. I don't know. I like to write. I've been trying to write fiction. I live in L.A. now, so I'm sort of gravitating toward writing for something other than a book,

maybe a fucking TV show, but I don't. Yeah, that's much more noble. Yeah, yeah. Forget literature. I will write for A&E. I'm starting to appreciate TV, like the concept of 40-minute bursts of stories. Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Back in the day, TV was like the joke if you were a bad actor, you were on TV. Yeah, you're saying that most of your customers are black women. No, that'd be cool, though. It's a big demographic. Oh. No, I just that'd be cool though. It's a big demographic. No, I just know black women like lotion. It's a loud demographic.

Whoa, okay, Pat. You're only allowed to speak through Jeremiah's saxophone for the rest of the show. You've used all your cards for the night. I don't know if it's going to have the nicest mic in here. Well, Don, another piece of advice that I'd give you is, you know, have fun and, you know, get out and experience life and have stuff to talk about.

You know what I mean? Get out there. Don't spend too much time at the lotion shop and, you know, because I just asked you to tell us something fun about you and you just went straight into writing, you know, which is something that every comedian does. Do you remember what I told you? See a good puppet show or two. Yeah. Young people love puppet shows. Black ladies love puppet shows. Get your ass down to your local puppet theater. It'll change the way you look

at life. Am I right, Tony? How many puppet shows have we seen? Jeff is the executive producer and creator of my favorite comedy show, Curb Your Enthusiasm. And his advice goes a long way. I went to a puppet show, and that's how I got my special on Netflix. That's correct. It was the day after. Actually, I was walking out of the puppet show and it wasn't even a human being.

It was one of the puppets. They're just like, you did it, buddy! And I'm like, fuck yeah, Jeff Garlin was right. Go to a puppet show right now, Don McNeely. There he goes. Don McNeely, everybody. Anything else for Don, guys? Parting advice?

I like lotion. I really do. It's a game changer. Jeremiah, you have nice skin. Use lotion. You also don't drink or smoke or do anything fun. No. Flashlights is my favorite.

Is that true? Flashlights? Flashlights. I have no idea. Multiple flashlights? What kind of double penetration are you doing over there? I've got a butthole and a vagina. Wow.

I keep getting given these at comedy shows and then what am I supposed to do? Not use them? What did you just turn into? I'm not using them. I mean, come on. You were talking about puppets. I just turned into a...

You guys ever use a flashlight before? Never. I've never even heard of it until tonight. A flashlight, it looks like a flashlight, but it's a fake vagina on one end and you just like fuck it with it. There's one in the front patio. But why do you need a light attached if you're going to fuck a flashlight?

The craziest part about the flashlight is that there's actually not a light attached to it. It's just called a flashlight because it's shaped like a flashlight but there's no light. It should be a lightsaber, like a flesh saber. Any sort of carrying case. Do you guys hear something?

Because I don't hear anything right now. It was almost like a fruit fly or something in my ear. I pulled another name. I'm going to finish this thought that I had, though, and I want to talk with you about this, because I was on the front patio last week, and they just said Sam Tripoli had another naughty show, and I noticed that there was a fleshlight sitting on the bar

with all the bottles of liquor, and it's still in the box, but it's a clear flashlight. I was ordering a drink, and I saw it, and I go, is that a fucking clear flashlight? Toby's like, dude, it's the number one seller, bro. I'm like, there's no way that the clear flashlight, and he hands me the box, number one seller. Why would people want to see what they're doing?

Some people like to look at the dick when it comes. How much? Are you serious? Sometimes you'll like what? You'll talk to Don McNeely, squirt some fucking cream in that bitch. Well, Redman told me that you're not supposed to use lotion because it eats away. Yeah, yeah. But I still do it anyway. Oh, wow.

You guys know how to use your fleshlight like it's in a long-term relationship. Can I just say something right now? Don't take it to Red Lobster. Tony. She likes pinks on Melrose. Can we introduce the next comedian? I'm really not comfortable with the direction we've headed.

See, I like a hintagism. And a little drop of fleshlight. We dove into a bowl of fleshlight. I don't want to be anywhere near it. I'm sad that I even know what that is. I am.

I don't like it. I think somebody's going to be on Amazon tonight looking up a new fleshlight, right? Jeff Garlin, everybody. He's going to fucking bang a fleshlight. Okay. I had nothing there. You're right. I should have moved on.

But I like watching you do it. Tony? I'm going to go swing by a puppet show and come back, guys. Just use a water-based lotion and put it in the microwave. Brian, we're moving on. I don't know if you're the only podcast producer that doesn't listen to the podcast that he's on while it's happening. Just give me a little hint. Put it in the microwave for five seconds.

Oh, it's not a cookie. happening. Just give me a little hint. Put it in the microwave for five seconds. So it's like... It's not a cookie. Here's what I also want to say. Let's talk about something else for like 15, 20 seconds so the person who comes up to do stand-up next has a clean palate. No pun intended. A nice clean flashlight to work with.

See, now why are you doing that? I did it again. Don't do that. It's true. It's your show if you want to do that, but there you're getting... See, I've turned it to the complete opposite of the way I was last time.

A flesh slate. Last time I couldn't be meaner, and now I'm just thinking of good thoughts for everyone. But that's the way I really am, actually, which is bullshit. A flesh slate? Flesh slate. Okay, good.

That was a bad pun. Go ahead. Perfect. Thank you, Steve. No problem.? Flesh slate. Okay, good. That was a bad pun. Go ahead. Perfect. Thank you, Steve. For your next comedian, guys, Mike O'Brien. Mike O'Brien! Wow.

This time, last year, I actually broke up with my girlfriend. She was smart, funny, and beautiful. I just felt I didn't need that in my life anymore. I'd never broken up with a girl before. It was the first time. And it was kind of emotional. At one point, she looked at me and she said, but you're my best friend. And I said, Matt's my best friend. I've known him since middle school. I've only known you like nine months, so I gotta go. I've been dumped. My favorite time I was dumped was this past

summer. This girl was going away for an internship. I was seeing her. She was in law school. I took her out to dinner. The bill came. The credit, she, she, the bill came. She threw her credit card down. She said, I'm not sleeping with you. I'm paying for this. I said, what? You could have just not invited me back to your place. You didn't need to announce to the waiter and surrounding tables that you would have rather paid $160 than have sex with me. Excuse me. Than have sex with me.

I just choked there. But I found out I have a new job. I'm a reverse prostitute. Women pay me money to not have sex with them. There you go. Mike O'Brien. I like your style. I'm going to guess that you're

visiting or just moved to LA and you've been doing stand-up three years somewhere else. Five years in Boston. See that? That's sort of close. But five years sort of spread out, right? No, I just wasn't expecting my name to get called. I was a little jittery. I kind of choked. That usually doesn't happen. You said the word choke in your show. Yeah, I know. Well know, I wasn't expecting my name to get called. I was a little jittery. I kind of choked. Yeah, that usually doesn't happen.

I'm usually a lot better. You said the word choke in your show. Yeah, I know. Well, because I choked. Yeah. Yeah, but you didn't use it. You actually choked. I did choke.

Yeah, no, I did. I was kind of having water for a little bit. I was a little excited. I just, you know, just happened, yeah. It happens sometimes. It happens, man. I think your performance was great. Oh, thank you.

I think that best friend joke about how Matt's your best friend. I think your delivery is fucking awesome up until the point where you swallowed your tongue. Yeah, yeah. I needed some water. You were super comfortable. Until I choked. It came out of nowhere. We get it. You choked.

We all heard it. Then you acknowledged it and we talked about it a little bit. What do you do for work? I'm actually a duck boat driver heard it and then you acknowledged it and then we talked about it a little bit. Okay, good. What do you do for work? I'm actually a duck boat driver in Boston, tour guide. A duck boat? Yeah, I'm kind of a big deal. Drove in the Patriots parade, what can I say?

What's a duck boat? It goes in the water and the land. They have them in the Wisconsin Dells too. Shaped like ducks. Yeah, I'm a tour guide in all of Boston. It's the land and water. Yeah. And people visit Boston, like tourists.

It's the thing to do in Boston. Oh, yeah. Oh, boy. So you have those jokes that you do while... Oh, I got jokes. Let me hear some of your horrible jokes. Yeah, can we hear... About the Great Molasses Flood.

The Great Molasses Flood was... There was 1,000 gallons ofasses flood at the North End. 21 people died that day. 21 of the slowest people you'll ever meet in your life. You must fucking kill. You must murder on that tour. You must murder on that tour. I mean, think about that.

An hour of those that he just does over and over and over. You probably have a fan base already. Yeah, you know. Hey, what can I say? Let me hear your favorite one. My favorite one is about the Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy Greenway. She was the mother of John F. Kennedy, President of the United States until he was assassinated in Dallas, Texas.

Robert Kennedy, who was running for President. He was probably going to win, but he was assassinated in Los Angeles, California. And Ted Kennedy, he was going to be President of the United States. He just made poor life decisions along the way. For those of you who don't know, Ted Kennedy killed a woman. No? Okay.

Can you do the thing where you choke on yourself? I sort of like that. It's like your getter done or something like that. Yeah, absolutely. That's fun. You get to tell jokes on a boat. You know it. It's good. You get winters off, get to come to L.A., be here until March.

Did you ever get that duck pussy that you get late from all the jokes? I got one number. I got one number once. These drunk people came up I do. I have it somewhere but she never called me back. I was very upset. Pat, what the fuck are you doing? Jeez.

Pat. I have to re-save the number as duck pussy in his phone. What did you doing? Jeez. Pat. I have to re-save the number as duck pussy in his phone. What did you put? Whatever her name was, duck boat. Ah. Yeah, I don't remember her name. Fuck yeah, you were right, Pat. Yeah, I should have.

Duck pussy would have been good. You're right. Yeah, absolutely. Craziest thing that's happened on your duck boat? Nothing, really. Nobody ever falls over or anything? Nah, it's just, they just, they just, well, I mean, people say that American tourists are the worst.

No, all tourists are the worst. They're all assholes. Like, it doesn't matter what country you're from, what race you are, tourists are just jerks. Like, they just are. Do you need a driver's license and a captain's license? I need a driver's license, a captain's license, CDL. Fuck yeah.

I get drug tested. Oh, all that stuff. Yeah. license, CDL. I get drug tested. All that stuff. Get drug tested. I'm not a big smoker anyways. You do comedy all through Boston? Yeah, all through Boston. All the clubs. I host. I feature. All that stuff. I come up here.

I choke on my tongue. It's great. Go for it. It's weird coming up here. Five years. I've been telling people. It's five years and then you come to LA and for it. Five years, you have to work hard. Yeah, it's weird. Coming up here, five years, I've been telling people, like, it's five years, and then you come to LA, and you just hope your name gets pulled out of a bucket. You got to start all over again, you know? But, yeah, thank you. I'm looking for sympathy.

Wow. Sympathy and spots. If anyone's got spots, I'll take those, too. But, yeah. Yeah, but it's fun. It's coming out here. You get to see freaking great people at shows. It's different.

It's nice. Yeah. What do you like to do in LA for fun other than stay up late? I've been walking. I've been hiking. I've been taking pictures in front of famous TV show houses. That's been my thing. Oh yeah? Where have you been? I've been to the Wonder Years house. I geeked out at that.

The Brady Bunch house. Happy Days? Happy Days. I don't think Happy Days is here. It's on Cahuenga. I'll have to check that out. I want to go to, I guess, the Back to the Future house. That's awesome. Yeah. I'll have to do that. to the Future house. That's awesome. The Gamble house. We're Procter & Gamble. Is it really? The Manson house was torn down.

The Manson house was torn down. I was going to check that out. Hey, can I just say something? Oh, yeah. You can say whatever you want. The show is live and your microphone is on. Hi, Tony. How are you doing, Phil?

You're really good. You're funny. Good luck to you. Love your show. Thank you. That's it're really good, you're funny Good luck to you Thank you That's it, that's what you wanted to say? That's the nice thing you said I was here when you said you were never going to come back And you came back, I was happy about that Yeah, because you know, you can't leave on like a dick note

You have to leave on a duck note Alright, pun master But the point is I was such a dick I couldn't leave like that I didn't think you were that much of a dick That much of a dick See my point has been made

I'm from Boston we're all dicks So if you're not a dick to someone you don't like them That's what it is in Boston You just don't talk to them I was a dick and you're a good guy He's funny No he actually is You don't see that very often.

It's true. A minute's tough. Here's the point I'm saying to you is you're making the right choice. Keep moving in the direction. You're doing good. You're good. Thank you so much. Joey, anything else for Mike O'Brien from Boston? Mike O'Brien? What a great fucking

Boston name. Michael Patrick O'Brien. It's a real fucking deal. Joey's right. Say it again, Joey. I like Michael Patrick O'Brien. It's a real fucking deal. Joey's right. Say it again, Joey. I like the way you say that. It's a real fucking deal. I saw you at Laugh Boston, man. You have little burps, it happens. It happens, you know.

Yeah, you burp, you know. It wasn't a burp. Call it a burp. And if you burp, don't ever tell the audience you fucking joked ever again. Don't use that phrase. That's not a good phrase. You're right.

Don't let them know. Don't let them see you sweat. Thank you. All right, Mike. Welcome to LA. Have fun. Mike O'Brien's on Twitter at Mike OB59 I just had these two switch microphones because I think that one is louder

and that one isn't and you hold the microphone close so I'm pretty sure I just made a great logistics maneuver. Tony, you're a pro. You know what goes on with your show. I'm confused by this gentleman. What is he doing?

He's drawing tonight's episode. It started off as a blank sheet of paper and he's drawing all of our heads and thematically. I love the way you said it started off as a blank sheet of paper. It would have been great to go, he's drawing tonight's episode. It was drawn by somebody else earlier today, and he's tracing over it. Tony, this might be the biggest headed day you've ever had in your life. Oh, definitely.

The three of us have gigantic fucking melons. What's your head size? Seven and five eighths. Seven and five eighths? What are you? Fucking big. I'm seven and seven-eighths. You're big.

You can lose all the weight you can. You can't lose weight on your fucking head, John. No. That motherfucker stays big forever. That's what these fucking trannies don't get.

You know what I'm saying? That's what they don't fucking get. Just because you switch government, your equilibrium is going to be fucked up. Unbelievable. The fucking greatest. Things people don't think about. I know a tranny that would always fall and shit.

Because in Seattle She'd get up and dance And all of a sudden She'd fucking fall Cause they can't work on the head You could switch governments You could put titties But I can't shave

Like what are you gonna The Herman Munster head You can't fucking do it So And that's why I don't lose That much weight I stay under like 270 Cause if not

My head gets all fucked up. When I go down Laurel Canyon, all those fucking things, I get dizzy. So I don't give a fuck. I'd rather die of a heart attack than be dizzy down Laurel Canyon. Joey Diaz is here. Finally. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Trisha Williams.

Here we go, Trisha. Now is the time. Maybe coming from deep in the back. Do we have any movement back there from anyone? Is anyone Trisha Williams moving back there? Wow, people just missing their spots. Never going to make it in show business. I love it.

All right, let's try this again. Julian Fernandez. Come on, live audience. Let's make some noise for Julian Fernandez. That's Mike O'Brien again. You motherfuckers got no initiative. Just somebody come up here. Who gives a fuck?

No, no, no. Get back. Get up here. It's Hollywood, cocksuckers. Take a chance. The fuck? You're Julian Fernandez. I don't give a fuck. I pulled another name out of the fucking... Who's that right there?

No, right there. No, no, no. Stop. If you're not one of the actual people, don't do it. We can't do that. Who's that right there? No, right there. No, no, no, no, no. Stop. If you're not one of the actual people, don't do it. We can't do that. No, but who's that right there? She seems anxious. It's going to be bum rush every time. Yeah.

All right. Let's do this. Unless you're one of the names we called. I pulled another name out of the bucket. It's Kevin Alexander. Kevin Alexander. Who knows if this is actually Kevin Alexander? But here we go.

Kevin. Kevin. Who knows if this is actually Kevin Alexander But here we go Kevin Oh you ain't Kevin Alexander Bullshit Get your ass out of here Josh You're so slow You are the coolest I was shocked Because

Check his ID My first time Show me your ID Kevin Is Alexander E-R or A-R? Oh, it is Kevin Alexander. Kevin Alexander! By the way, I would have said that if your name was Bob Smith on there. Nice.

One more time for Kevin Alexander. I interrupted. 60 seconds. Here we go. We're up to 60 seconds. Here we go. Going back to work after not winning the Powerball jackpot is kind of like doing the walk of shame, isn't it? I mean, because the night before, you had the opportunity to do nothing but party and fuck for the rest of your life.

You got all these plans on what you were going to do with the money. I'm going to buy a yacht with a helipad. I'm going to walk straight into HR and I'm going to ask Cindy to show me her tits. I'm going to get a blowjob by a different chick every day! But no. You don't win. You end up back at work the next morning. You unlock the front door and turn on the lights and brew that first pot of coffee like,

Fuck! Fuck! And you have that awkward moment in the hallway where you see Cindy. Morning, Cindy. Yeah, no, I didn't win either. God, I want to see those tits. There it is.

Now, I was listening for the cat. It was there. It was there. Brian does a thing that only Brian thinks is funny, where he plays the cat extra low. Oh. That nobody knows. Brian, that's not funny. I didn't hear it either.

It was actually a different cat. That was this one, too. Kevin, how long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time. That's what I was going to guess. And I will tell you this without a doubt. For a first-timer, you might be the best first-timer I've ever seen on this show. And we've popped a lot of new ones.

Let me tell you why. It's because your delivery, I mean, you're just right there. And by the way, it didn't get a laugh in this room for some reason, but a yacht with a helipad might have been the funniest thing I've heard all night. And nobody laughed except for me and Diaz, which is probably a good sign. Because a lot of these idiots, they don't know what's funny, you know what I mean? Not Jeff and Steve, but these fucking peasants out here,

you know what I mean? Kevin, that is so fucking cool. I'm just going to get this out of the way before everybody annoys you about it. The mic stand always has to be moved. That's the number one way for people to know that it's your first time on stage, is standing behind it. It's just a

funny little weird eclipse thing. Kevin, that's amazing. What do you do for work? I joined the Navy a long time ago as a air crew survival equipment man. And what that guy is after I actually joined

actually after I got in is a parachute rigger. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah, a joke. Invented itself. Right. Is it a dirty job?

No, very clean. Oh, okay. We pack parachutes. Nobody will ever call you a dirty rigger. That's a new take. Right. That joke didn't write itself. That was me.

Are you still in the service, brother? Can I use that? No, sir. Are you still in the service? No, sir. I got out a long time ago. Yeah, you could totally use it. I'm not allowed to say dirty rigor.

Only you could say that. Cool. Yes, Jeff Garland. So the bit you were doing first time ever, not a bad place to start. Eliminate walk of shame. Okay. Talk about your dreams the night before. And then the next day, decide.

Here's like the spin. You're not going to go there with no walk of shame. You're going to go to work the next day, and you're going to experiment, and you're going to see what it's like to live life as if you just won the Powerball. And then go through your day with all the things you've imagined doing

and then talk about what really happens. And I think that might be a funny little adventure for you. I totally agree because the funniest part of that for me was obviously you have to face the lady from HR But I totally agree because the funniest part of that for me was, you know, obviously you have to face the lady from HR and, you know, you have to be polite. But you acknowledge that part, but I feel like you didn't acknowledge the other ways in.

Like you said, the yacht with the helipad. I mean, how did you really get to work? You know what I mean? Oh, right. Stuff like that. Oh, in a crappy car. You say all that setup stuff and you you say the HR lady but then you only acknowledge the HR lady. But when you go to the HR lady

and you go, look, I've been wanting to see them for the longest time. Yeah, you should ask her to see them anyway. And then she shows them to you. Because you both lost. And then you suck on them for an hour straight and then on stage you mime it. And the audience will watch you mime

an imaginary HR woman's breasts for a solid 20 and mister, you mime it. And the audience will watch you mime an imaginary HR woman's breasts for a solid 20 and mister, you are in show business. Am I right, Joey? You know me. I'm with you, brother. Joey is with me, man. One of my favorite things about this show is getting

to watch people do their actual first time on the stage. It happens almost every episode now. People come up with a minute and it's a fun way to sort of figure out your voice. Congratulations, man. Good job. Thank you. That's balls. A lot of balls. At the comedy store, first time. Internet. Martin Luther King

Day. You know what I'm saying? What? Everybody black is singing about the Oscar. They're crying. You're up here on stage dropping knowledge on these motherfuckers. Good for you, man. Right? What the fuck?

Black people on the San Francisco Bridge today. He's out here doing comedy. Those have nothing to do with one another. But I'm with you. Same fucking thing. It is the same thing. He could have been on a bridge. Yours is scarier.

Give a fucking Oscar to fucking what's-his-name, but he's at the comedy store living his dream. That takes fucking balls right there. Thanks, Joey. Thank you, my brother. Stay black and beautiful. I love that. Kevin Alexander's first time.

Anything else, Kevin? There he goes. Doesn't even know how to put the mic back in the mic stand. Look at that, ladies and gentlemen. A true first-timer. One more time for Kevin Alexander. Come on, people. None of you pussies signed up.

You can't clap for him? Fuck yeah. Deep saxophone. I'm just digging that big time. That adds a layer to this that I dig. Yeah, totally. It's good. I pulled another name out of the bucket. We're going to fly through them, guys.

We're almost there. Put your hands together for Brian Simpson. Brian Simpson. Wow. This is an incredible episode of people that signed up and then left. It's like the strangest thing. Is it really him? Oh, oh.

Hold on. Brian Simpson. So, uh, as a black man, I'm supposed to be afraid of racist cops walking the street. But if I'm being honest, I'm more afraid of racist lifeguards. I think that's way worse.

Because a racist cop has to at least break a sweat. A racist lifeguard just has to not notice you out there. So ask yourselves, is it that black people can't swim or have we been the victims of a decades-long conspiracy by the aquatic wing of the Ku Klux Klan. That's right.

The Klan. By the way, the Ku Klux Klan should not be the Klan. The Wu-Tang Klan should be the Klan. They've got more members, more number one singles, and according to them, they've killed more niggas. So no matter how you measure... Holy shit! Somehow, you know, it's Martin Luther King Day.

But somehow, Brian, you're my favorite black guy I've ever heard preach. That was fucking amazing. Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up? Five years. And you're from Portland? No, I'm from D.C., but I started comedy in San Diego. Wow.

And you've been doing? I just moved here two weeks ago. Holy shit. Look out. Welcome. Here we go. Welcome. Oh, my God. You're a fucking monster.

How much material do you think you have? Probably got about 40 minutes, 45 minutes. Holy shit, Brian. He's a good boy. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. It's, Brian. He's good, boy. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. It's freaky. Real fucking good.

Thanks. I'd be proud to follow you or go up before you anytime. You're fucking good. Yeah. I mean, I'd love to have him on here at the store, like doing regular slots. Oh, I mean, it's unbelievable. Yeah. And that's another thing that

I love about this show is that we can go right from a guy doing his very first time to all of a sudden when I think this is really what it's best for sometimes is when there's somebody from around the road that's been doing it a long time and it's actually funny and they come on and pop like that. Look how comfortable he is. He's been doing it five years and it

totally fucking shows. I mean, you didn't give a shit. Silence off the top and you just knew you had a big fucking joke coming at you. The average and a positive every ten seconds, literally. That's a good ratio. Yeah, you're really good. Will you give me your information? I will, yeah. All right, cool, man.

Oh, shit. But just know, when the show's over, I'm walking straight out. So just either bring it up to me. I'll write it down and throw it at you. cool man oh shit but just know uh when the show's over i'm walking straight out so just like either bring it up i'll write it down and throw it at you as long as i catch it we're good all right cool you know or tony will you get this thing for me uh yeah totally give it to tony and i'll get it by the way i wanted to say to you before i go like i when i first met you you don't remember me me but but you because you were way ahead oh shit but i thought you were a fucking asshole right but like just from like we didn't talk or anything.

Just looking at you. I was like that guy's an asshole. Tony? Yeah. No, no, you guessed right. But then I heard you on. Who doesn't think Tony's not an asshole? I happen to love you.

I'm excited to see where this story actually goes. No, no, no. I love you, but you're an asshole. No, this is a beautiful comedy. Yeah, I love you. But then I just watched your special like three nights ago and I was like I can hang out with that guy. Thank you so much. Thank you. Yes, indeed. And Tony you. But then I just watched your special like three nights ago, and I was like, I can hang out with that guy. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Yes, indeed. And Tony, was that not the purpose of your special? It was. To have people want to hang out with him. It was. Friendly guy. Absolutely.

The best thing that I've gotten from this show tonight is the look on all your faces, whether you killed or came up here in the club, just that three, five-year look. You were ready to fucking, I can't tell you how happy you looked. Just that look on your face gives me fucking hope. It's just really fucking sharp. I'm remembering doing comedy for five years, and that's all that's on your fucking mind. Yeah, you hungry as a motherfucker.

Fuck, pussy, food, you're just thinking about fucking comedy. You wake up, I used to wake up, I used to think about comedy. No, you're thinking aboutussy, food. You're just thinking about fucking comedy. You wake up. I used to wake up. No, you're thinking about pussy and food, too. It's not just comedy. I swear to God, man. There's pussy and food. I wanted it bad, too.

But there's a lot of food and pussy. Fuck that. And I don't even use the word pussy. The laugh you wanted the most. Joey Cocoria is the only one among us who only thinks of comedy. Steve Radicezi only thinks of comedy. Steve Rantazizi only thinks of pussy and I only think of food. Therefore, we represent a full human being

while sitting up here. At the five-year mark, when my two feet would hit the floor, I would think about where I was going to get on stage and where I was going to get a grandma blow. Pussy was the furthest thing from my mind. That was my whole revolving at that time. But just to see the joy in your face, brother, it's fucking beautiful.

It takes me back. So keep doing what the fuck you're doing, man. You're a bad motherfucker. All you guys that came up tonight, all of you. I want to say one other thing. And I'm not kidding. I know it was only a minute, but as I was watching your set, I thought, that's a good enough set

for Conan. That's like a TV set, man. The whole thing, fantastic. Yeah, you're alright. You're going to take off quick, and I'm so glad that we got to meet you. But keep thinking about pussy and food. You need it to live.

Comedy only enhances that. You don't need pussy to live. And don't swim at the YMCA. Them motherfuckers are cold-blooded, dog. Cold-blooded them racist fucking lifeguards. I would love to have you on next week's Ice House, though, if you can do that. Fuck yeah.

That's how it starts. And it has begun. Brian Simpson, ladies and gentlemen. He's on Twitter. It's Short Wide Neck. that's a funny twitter name short wide neck i just want to say that i'm proud to be here tony and i love comedy and i love the ladies especially my wife but when i leave here i'm going to henry's tacos in north hollywood because i'm hungry and that's what i feel like.

So when I'm there eating at Henry's Tacos, I'm not thinking about comedy. Or maybe I will. Maybe as I'm biting into it, I'm going, oh, that one guy was good. But odds are, I'm just sucking that shit down and then I'll go home and ride an exercise bike.

Bring up another person. Joey, am I right? Put your hands together for... You know what? Let's hold on to this one just to see if we can get to it. I want to make sure we have enough time for our two regulars. One thing that's fun about this show is everybody gets pulled out of the bucket. However, every week we have two young ladies that write and perform a brand new minute every week.

We had two before. They did it for two years. They graduated on and moved into the original room. They do spots every Monday there now and tour and open with comedians and stuff. And these two just started doing regular one-minute spots a couple months ago. Going up first tonight, you know her,

you love her from Kill Tony, always nervous styling. I like to think of her as a young Dave Attell, sort of nervous type. Put your hands together for Melissa Esslinger, everybody. Here we go. Melissa Esslinger, everybody. Melissa Esslinger. My knee hurts today because I rode my bike once and I

saw a squirrel. It's busy. It's really busy in here. I had to sit under a table like a little shelter puppy which actually I've been told suits me, so I'm comfortable there. Okay. Anyway, when I was a kid, I would be at my friend's house, and I wouldn't get the hint that it was dinner time.

I didn't mean to, but I gave off a bad home life aura that wasn't real. My mom's just Jewish from the Bronx, and I was kind of a little shit, so we measured our love and guilt. I'm glad I've come to peace with that with my mother. Holy shit, Melissa Esslinger. Fuck yeah. Jeff Garland. All right. I just want to say I have never loved another human being

as much as I love you. And I want to hug you. And I think that she's actually funny, but she has to get there. Right. But I swear to God, she's funny. Oh, I know. I feel it. You know what I mean?

Absolutely. You're funny, and you're just a sweetie, and fuck, man. It's funny as hell. Tonight it was definitely a little bit trapped inside. What was the first thing that you said? I said my knee hurts because she saw a squirrel.

Your knee hurts now because one time you were riding your bike and you saw a squirrel. Yeah, the only reason I actually said that one is because I was too worried the first thing I was going to say wasn't going to be funny and so I randomly was like... So you chose something even less funnier. You said, I'm just

going to fuck it. If I might suck, I'm just going to suck all the way. There you go, exactly. But sometimes it takes a fucking journey to get to a special place and somehow I feel like she's on that journey and she will eventually be

at a really funny place whether it be as a performer or writer you just get a sense it'll be seven days from now we've had this happen a couple times before where it's just like you know sometimes you just can't get your footing but when any time that one of the regulars ever has a

rough set in here, it's hilarious what they do the next week. It's like more like Brian Simpson type of stuff, you know what I mean? Which is hard to fathom. Don't be nervous. No, she should be nervous. That's her thing. I love you to death. Yeah, I know you love her. It's hard to not love her.

I love her to death. Control me with your glasses. Like Rodney used to touch his tie, that would let the audience know to laugh. Touch your glasses and bang out the fucking punchline. He's absolutely right. It's amazing that... Rodney used to grab his tie and let you know. Do you know what Joey does to get a laugh?

Talks! You're so goddamn funny. I used to flick my hand. What's amazing, Joey, is you are so dead on because when she first started... I fucking love that left hand. I haven't even thought, is you are so dead on because when she first started, I remember I haven't even thought about this until you just said this. That would give me something to

do with that. Boom! That's the control. Boom! Fuck em! Boom! Fuck em! Boom! That's right. Fuck em! Boom! Fuck em! Boom! I would love to see you as a robot at Disneyland. Oh, fuck em! Boom! Fuck em! Boom! Fuck em! Boom! I think Joey just created

the new dab, everybody. The fucking boom. But what's amazing is that the first couple times you were on the show, I just had a flashback because Joey said that you would do this thing where you scratch the top of your head. Same thing. Anything. Exactly. Anything other than and letting everybody know that the thing

that you thought was a joke is already over. It seems genuine. It's very authentic. It's a nervous tick, but it doesn't seem like you're just doing it to do it. Yeah, try the fucking glasses thing. You started panicking early on because the squirrel thing didn't... It wasn't even a complete thought. You know that, right?

And by the way, I'm throwing this in as a bonus. If you do the glasses thing and it dies, keep trying it. And then at a certain point go, oh, fuck the glasses thing. And you'll have something else maybe. But it's like it's a long, long journey and you seem like you're on the right path. And do it twice. Fuck them. If they don't get it the first time, hang in there and do it one more time in front of them.

The same joke? Fuck them. Fuck them. Fuck them. That's the laughter right there. That second hook, fuck them. hang in there and do it one more time fuck him fuck him that's the laughter right there that second hook fuck him Joey you would have been a great boxer I would want you in my corner when I was boxing

when I was a boxer I could have used you in my corner fuck him boom do you not think that's not a good ring strategy you're wrong if you don't think so Tony get serious with the boxing Fuck them, boom. Fuck them, boom. Fuck them, boom. Do you not think that's not a good ring strategy? You're wrong if you don't think so, Tony. Oh, no, totally. Tony, get serious with the boxing.

I am. I'm very serious. Yeah, I know you are. So, Melissa, you have been doing stand-up for how long now? Maybe almost nine months. Yeah. Just a little baby. You're about to come out of the womb.

Yep. I started walking when I was nine months old. Hey, do you love comedy? Is comedy your favorite thing? She works with your friends over at Happy Madison. She's a PA. Oh, do I see you over there? I haven't seen you, but I'm in the same office as the casting for your Goldbergs. For the Goldbergs?

Oh, yeah, over there? Okay. Yeah. I'll look for you. You know what the beauty about nine months is? I've been doing comedy 24 years, and every morning we're even. Good. We wake up at 6, we're both the same motherfucker.

So don't let that time fuck with us. What did Aaliyah used to say? Age is a number. Yeah. You know. Comedy. You're a fucking savage. Nine months. What?... You know. Comedy. You're a fucking savage. Nine months.

What? What? Joey. Joey. You're not understanding that I am digging you on such a high level. Oh, please.

You are the fucking... These fucking young comics have excited me so much. Do you know what I'm really thinking? What? Like, how the fuck can I hire him? What can I fucking do with him? I'm going to be your cousin

on the show. Yeah. Yeah, but. Your long lost Cuban Jewish cousin. The Cuban. They opened up the fucking borders now. The Cuban from fucking Cuba in the 70s. The Marielle, the whole fucking get down boogie oogie oogie.

I'm telling you. I got this. I got this. Don't worry about it. Meet the newest Goldberg. I just want to say for the record, I have nothing to do with you being on the Goldbergs. You know I love you. I'm talking about, you know, movies and my own stuff. Let's do something.

No, you fucker are going to be with me. I know you. I love you. Wow. No, you're so fucking funny. Look at this union that's happening. That's right. Oh, oh.

By the way, that was my fault. That should have been a careless whisper, but I said it out loud, and I don't care who heard it. I could have whispered to you, we'll do something someday. But instead I said it was a careless yelp. Fuck it. It was a yelp review of your delicious comedy. I love it. Tony, control your show.

Thank you, yes. I'm trying my best, Jeff. Tony, control your show Thank you, yes, I'm trying my best Melissa your style and the way that you float out stuff that you think will work

writing and performing a new minute every single week is the hardest thing that anybody that I know does and has done and I put these people through this rigorous torture and it's entertaining for the comedy fans to watch everybody grow and you know somebody's fake cackling laugh over there that's interesting I'd love to hear something from the audience and they're

not sharing it and that's just the way they are I've been to their parties before it's not welcoming and we're at the infantile stage with you just a couple months into where this is going to be one of those ones that die hard fans of yours a couple years from now are going to look back on and go holy shit like that's incredible that this cold blooded assassin was still finding her footing and this is the only show

where that type of cool live stuff happens people love watching a train wreck more than they actually do watching a cold blooded assassin they're not going to admit it. They're not going to make a bunch of noise, but it's fun that you write and perform and take these chances every week.

That was an awesome set. Melissa Esslinger, everybody. Good job. She's on Twitter at Melissa Esslinger. See, now, if I may, tonight I'll lay in bed And I'll think We have one more comedian I know she's coming

It's a very short thing So I'll be laying in bed And this is right after my wife tells me A bunch of things I can do nothing about She rolls over And then I lay there and I think Was it too condescending to hug her I felt this need to hug her And was it too condescending to hug her? I felt this need to hug her

and was it too condescending? That's for me to deal with. Keep going. It was nice but alright well thank you. I'll think of this moment and I'll be okay. Thank you. She doesn't even realize it. She gave me at least a good 20 minutes extra sleep tonight.

I really would have laid in bed and thought that. Guys, Jeff Garland everybody, come on. Giving hugs, showing love, such a different appearance than three weeks ago.

Yeah, but let me ask you a question. Which one is more like me and be serious? This one. Yeah. I just was like,

the last time I did the show, it was just such a epic douchebag failure that I just thought I can last time I did the show it was just such a epic douche bag failure that I just thought I can't go out on that now is there a chance I won't do your show again yeah there's a distinct possibility I'm immensely successful

but my love for you is bigger than my success thank you and by the way can I also say one more thing careless wisp of cock sucker Keep going. Thank you. Thank you, Jeff. And by the way, can I also say one more thing? I guess so. I guess I really didn't.

Careless Whispercock sucker now. Help me out here, Jeremiah, please. No. I also. Keep playing until he offers you a role on the Goldbergs. Man, the music seems so loud. I've reached that with new. All right.

You can play my target movie. Guys, we have one final regular. She's the newest regular on this show. You know her. You love her. Put your hands together for Vanessa Johnston, everybody. Here she is. Hi, Jeff. Hi.

You're back. Yeah. Awesome. Thank you. I think the new politically correct term for sluts should be cum dumpsters. And all the cum dumpsters should just band together and create positive affirmation slogans, like the early bird gets the sperm. She's not a slut.

She's just hungry. bird gets the sperm. She's not a slut, she's just hungry. Sluts don't have large moral compasses because they only own mini Bibles. They can't own a regular Bible because it doesn't fit in their vagina. Every girl's vagina is special and unique like a snowflake and you should take your snowflake vagina and have vagonsidence, which is a word I just made up for vagina confidence. Do you know how many lonely, desperate guys would kill

themselves every day if girls did not have vagonsidence? Fuck yeah. a Johnston. Fuck yeah. Vanessa Johnston. I especially like where you're going with that back end of stuff. Like, you know, I think you're definitely owning something there. I mean, people were laughing at that premise. And you didn't even really get to get into that.

You know what I mean? Yes, Jeff Garland. Use your microphone, Jeff. I want to hug her, but for a different reason. For some vaginapotence? Vaginapotence? Yeah, yeah. Vagina confidence.

Now, what do you think you mean by that? I mean, I think that just people slut shame a lot. And I think it's stupid. Yeah. And I'm it's stupid. Yeah. And I'm not even a slut, but I just feel like it's not... It's like, fuck you. Yeah.

You know? You know what? I am so with her. Fuck you. Fuck you, right? Fuck you and your slut shaming. You know what? When I was a young girl I was a slut

and let me tell you something the amount of shaming I got fuck you Vanessa and I say fuck you alright you slut shaming piece of shit go ahead Tony I'm sorry but I just got up

in the moment you know my closing joke which I went a little bit slower so I didn't get to it but like address that and it would be weird coming from nowhere but anyway yeah yeah vagina confidence that they should own it who's putting bibles

in their vagina where is that idea what is that I don't know I mean just I don't know I just wrote it there was a nurse on Curb Your Enthusiasm who put a baseball in her vagina and a telephone there you go

Richard Lewis big vagina small penis Richard Lewis' cleaning lady nurse stay with me everyone no no no we're not going to Lewis's cleaning lady. Yeah. Nurse. Nurse. Oh, yeah. When you take the, when you take the, stay with me, everyone. When you take the No, no, no,

we're not going to. Right. So wait, here's the thing. The last two jokes, like explain it. If I do last two jokes. Thank you.

That wasn't bad. That wasn't bad at all. It was actually pretty good. Pat, maybe you should do your funny stuff at the front of the show so we believe in you

and don't want to talk over you when you have something good at the end. The last two jokes come from, if I say to you, she's a slut, but to God, she's a life insurance policy, which comes from when the guy, well, going from the last joke, it makes sense because guys don't kill themselves.

And then my closing is, at least that's what my Bible teacher taught me. That makes sense. It makes sense what's in line, but that's where the Bible comes in. Joey Diaz, this is your first time seeing Vanessa Johnston. What's your take on this situation? Brand spanking new, right? A few months into the game.

Professional. Has a full-time pro smart person day job. She's got it. She's three quarters there. She's new. She's going to what she knows. Why are you so quiet? Get excited.

You heard him earlier. He's not into pussy at all. I love pussy. Who the fuck are you kidding? I'm just saying that she's new, so she's going for what she knows best, a pussy. Yeah. You know? That's what I was going to say.

I mean, what the fuck? You know, when you start, you do dick jokes because that's what you know best. You're a dick, you know? Yeah. So you go to the pussy, and I like it. I'm not going to lie to you. I like the fucking confidence because I get it. I know women who have low

vaginal confidence. It's like a guy with low testosterone. You know what I'm saying? They walk around like a half a victim. Same fucking thing. A woman with confidence in that pussy, she has some pep in her step. She could be fucked up or missing an ear or something. But confidence in the pussy you see

from a block away and I like that. By the way, Joey, that was more what I was looking for. What the fuck? You want me to go loose? I go loose. And then when you go loose, you fucking pull me back. Joey, Joey, Joey. I never pull you back. Alright. But you're very funny. Good luck to you. How long have you been doing comedy?

Almost eight months. All you motherfuckers are way ahead of the race. All of you. Vanessa Johnston, everybody. There she goes. She's on Twitter at Vanessa Johnstew. Vanessa Johnstew. With two O's. Look at Ryan J. E. Belt's drawing, ladies and gentlemen. Look at that. That happened.

Holy shit. Joey Diaz. Jeff Garland. Steve Ranazzisi. Me and Red Band. Crazy, right? Ryan J. E. Belt's the best artist that we know. Go to ryanjebelt.com for his prints. Pat Reagan's on Twitter at Patty Reagan. Jeremiah Watkins at Jeremiah Watkins. Those guys are doing a bunch of fun stuff.

Jeremiah's stand-up, he chose that. Jeff Garland, what do you got to promote or anything? Anything crazy? I'm at Largo every month. Come see me at Largo. See Garland at Largo. Watch Meet the Goldbergs on ABC. No, it's just called The Goldbergs. Oh, The Goldbergs I'm at Largo every month come see me at Largo see Garland at Largo watch meet the Goldbergs on ABC

no it's just called the Goldbergs oh the Goldbergs yeah Joey Diaz Mad Flavor Savage Dad Tour Starts Charlotte

yes January 28th and St. Louis February 4th that's it Diaz is my favorite comedian favorite comedian

in the world to watch pretty much every comedian's favorite comedian. Put your hands together for Joey Diaz. He made it here, everybody. Steve Ranazzisi is Steve Ranazzisi.

Anything else you want to promote, Steve? I'm at Denver at the Comedy Works this weekend. Boom. Guys, thank you so much. Live audience, make some noise. We did it. Kill Tony with Joey Diaz, Steve Ranazzisi, and Jeff Garlin. Thank you. On the line It's 99 The Rebels Are live you