KILL TONY - KILL TONY #142

Episode Date: February 13, 2016

Dom Irrera, Steve Simeone, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Jeremiah Watkins, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 02/08/2016 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that...

That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. Did you know you can subscribe to Just Kill Tony now on iTunes? Search the iTunes store for Kill Tony.

Hit subscribe. iTunes, search the iTunes store for Kill Tony. Hit subscribe. That way you'll have all the freshest episodes of Kill Tony delivered right to your mobile device. Also, Tony can be found at TonyHinchcliffe.com. That's his official website

where you can get all his merchandise and his tour dates and all the stuff there. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. And if you go to DeathSquad.tv not only do you have all the different Death Squad shows that we do, you can also click on tour dates to find out where Death Squad

is, we're at the Ice House every first and third Friday, that's a new thing we're not doing it every Friday anymore it's just too much, you know, doing it every week, so now we're first and third Friday. Kill Tony is every Monday at the Comedy Store.

And that's what you're listening to right now. And then we got the Roast Battle every Tuesday at the Comedy Store. And coming up in San Jose, March 18th and 19th, we have the Death Squad Dirty Show. It's me, Kate Quigley, and George Perez, March 18th and 19th at the San Jose Improv. Again, that's me, George Perez, and Kate Quigley. You can find all these tour dates by going to

DeathSquad.tv and clicking on tour dates. Last but not least, don't forget, check out ShopSquad.tv for all the official Death Squad merchandise. Alright, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous Comedy Store

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, volume three, get over Tony. Oh my goodness, everybody. Here we are. This place is crazy. Jerry's already covering his ears because the applause are so loud. He plugged his ears with his fingertips for that, ladies and gentlemen. Hi, everybody. Welcome to Kill Tony. It's Brian Redband, everybody. Hey, guys. We're live in the flesh. We're back together. We weren't here last week, and now we're back.

And keep it going for your house artist is here, everybody, with a blank sheet of paper right in front of him. The great Ryan J. Ebel draws every episode. So what you see tonight, he's going to draw on a blank piece of paper at the end. Those prints are available at ryanjebel.com. Jamie is in the back on the big HD camera, as always, at Jamie Vernon, at Josh Martin Comic running around. And one more time for Pat Reagan, everybody.

Come on. You heard him. You love him. We are graced with the always amazing presence, you hear that horn, of Jeremiah Watkins as well, another one of our favorites. Hey, Tony, we're coming to Seattle. March 24th. We're going to do a Kill Tony and a bunch of shows that weekend at the Parlor Live Comedy Club.

That's right. Seattle, Washington. You get a Kill Tony live. That's happening March 24th. Thursday night. So schedule it now. Buy your tickets immediately and have fun with that. I'm going to be in Vancouver next week and we're going to be in Seattle that whole weekend, and Zany, Chicago in the middle of April,

and Cap City. You just got back from New York. You played Carolines. How did that go? That was the old East Coast. So much fun. Yeah. Very, very cold.

I'm an L.A. guy. I like being warm. Yeah. Hi, everybody. Welcome, live audience. You guys ready for a crazy night or what? Let's just jump right into it I am so happy to be back on this show

This is my most favorite thing that I do ever So out of all the crazy long sets in New York City and all that shit I am so happy to be here You guys ready to have fun tonight or what? We're going to watch comedians do comedy And then talk to us comedians afterwards. And I always have two of the funniest people in the world on this show on any given week.

And we're going to do it that way again. Two of the best, two returning guests, two of the absolute best comedians that I know and am pleasured to work with on a regular basis. Put your hands together for the great Dom Irera and Steve Simone, everybody. Come on. Holy shit.

Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Two of the best. Two of Philly's finest.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Unbelievable. Dom Irera, you're probably our most used guest of all time. Thank you, Dom. Just an absolute favorite, a monster. I appreciate it. I'm just a little upset tonight because that motherfucker is not supposed to be here. Oh.

I don't like his attitude. I don't like the look he gives me. The only thing I like is his girlfriend's tits. Wow. Like a pro. He had to tell me, he had to tell the old man, hold the mic a little closer, will you, pops? It's a podcast.

I just want them to hear that, you know, amazing, sweet cadence. Yeah, could you say that line about my girlfriend's tits? No. Don't fucking tell me what to do. Oh, shit. I left that t-shirt outside. Fuck, it just left. Did it fall out of my pocket?

I got it. Oh, okay, cool. I got a great t-shirt from Steve Simone, one of my favorite t-shirts I've ever been given in my entire life. Isn't it great? He sells these at stevesimone.com because he has an amazing, amazing podcast called Good Times with Steve Simone.

He just gave this to me. He's one of my only friends that brings me the t-shirt in the proper boys medium that I wear. That makes me so happy. Everybody always tries to pawn off one of their larges. You know what I mean?

I can't rock those. I can't believe he's doing merch on a fucking podcast. No. Red Band asked for one. Yeah. It's cool because I was a big fan of the Garbage Pail kids growing up, so it's really nice to see that back in use. Speaking of Garbage Pails, over 60 comedians signed up for the chance to do Kill Tony tonight.

One of our record turnouts for comedians. A lot of people following up with their New Year's resolution to start stand-up comedy. Over 60 human beings signed up for the chance. Not everybody gets up. Just for the chance to perform 60 seconds on this stage. So what do you guys say we start pulling names out of the buckets and get this fucking party started? Yes, yes, yes. Okay.

I like that. I was wondering for a second and you really came in and and get this fucking party started. Yes, yes, yes. Okay, I like that. I was wondering for a second, and then you really came in and confirmed. Pat Reagan. Tonight. Oh, my goodness. Look at you over there. Holy shit.

You have a bad hair dye. I just showered. You look great. Whenever I... Brings out your eyes, I'm telling you. Very Earl Skakely. You kind of look like a baby Earl Skakely. You almost look like

Stephen Hawking with a guitar on him. Something like Stephen Tyler Hawking or something like that. I love that shirt that you're wearing. Wait a second. What's happening here right now? Do you guys both have something to say? I will rock you.

Oh, okie dokie. We took a chance there and nothing happened. If you guys put your heads together, I think you can come up with something funny right now. One day, with our powers combined, we become one comedian. One day, I'll be funny.

One giant middle act. And this is why I text this man every single week if he's available for this show. Oh, fuck. Let's do it, guys. You ready for the bucket? You ready for Kill Tony live from the comedy store? So many new

comedians signed up tonight, so it's important that you know. You get 60 seconds if your name gets pulled out of the bucket You come on stage, you know your 60 seconds is up When you hear the sound of a kitty Aw, you hear that? That's adorable How about one more time? There it is That means you have to wrap it up then

Or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear Ooh, not that bad a bear. Ooh, not that bad tonight. Wow, what was that? Mellow bear. Alright, well great. You guys got it? You ready for this or what? Awesome. So we're going to watch a comedian for 60 seconds and then we talk to them

about anything in the world after that. Maybe we make fun of them. Maybe we give them a tag. Maybe we find out more about them that they could possibly talk about in their act longer than the 60 seconds and then we talk to them about anything in the world after that. Maybe we make fun of them. Maybe we give them a tag. Maybe we find out more about them that they could possibly talk about in their act longer than the 60 seconds that they did here tonight. Bobby Liebig gave people money. That's true. And gigs. And Jeff Garland gave people gigs too.

Maybe you guys can offer an opening spot to somebody if you like them. Jeff Garland should give people money to write him jokes. Shots fired. Where is it at? Oh, the horse of truth came in louder than the West Hollywood Bear tonight. Wow, that was

so honest that the horse of truth just came through the speakers. We've never had a live horse on the show before. I love that we have the horse mic'd better than we mic Dom Irera. I pulled the name out of the bucket. This looks like a new one. I'm excited. Put your hands together for

Nico Williams, everybody. Come on. Wow. So I took my weave out. I'm rocking my hair natural. And I was in the mall. This black lady walks up to me. She goes, usually I don't like nappy hair. But yours is cute.

I was like, bitch, I ain't friendly. Well, that's what I wanted to say. But she had a tattoo on her face. So I was like, no, you right, it is kind of nappy. So I finished shopping in the mall, and I hate shopping on a budget because I always end up stealing. Love that, you have 30 more seconds. Really? I just found out that my best friend has been lying to me about her age.

I thought we were both the same age, 25. And then I realized, I was like, wait, we went to the same elementary school together. She was like, no, I was working there. I was like, what? I was like, we had a sleepover at my house. She was like, no, I was fucking your daddy. I was like, damn, this bitch is old. There it is, exactly a minute from Nico Williams.

I like your style. You're fun. Never seen you here before. How long have you been doing comedy in LA? 13 years. Wow, really? I love the fact that you took a break after 30 seconds. Well, I didn't want to be cut off.

This job's exhausting. It is exhausting. Another 30. I'm I didn't want to be cut off. This job's exhausting. It is exhausting. Another 30. I'm not used to being funny under a minute. You're the first black comedian I've ever seen get off early. Really? Normally, they're very well known for going over their time. I'm mixed, so

that's the white part. Oh, I love that. The white part of you controls the time of your set. So you've got the intelligence of a white person with the beautiful ass of a black girl. I'll take it. My ass is small for a black girl, honestly, but I'll take it. Thank you. 13 years. I mean, it shows.

Very likable. Very cool. Where do you perform? Everywhere. I've performed here. The improv, Laugh Factory. I don't hang out like I used to. What do you do for work? This. Really?

You make a living doing stand-up? And acting. What do you do? Commercials and stuff. I don't have a day job. What do you act on? Commercials. I mean, whatever.

Standing for Frederick Douglass? It's a hair joke. Now you got jokes now, too, Tony. It's a hair joke. Now you got jokes. You have to look up Frederick Douglass' haircut. Frederick Douglass is It's a hair joke. Now you got jokes now, Tony. It's a hair joke, guys. You have to look up Frederick Douglass' haircut for that to not be racist. You know what? Oscar's still so white. It's split in the middle and it's big like that. Any known commercials

that we might know? Sleep number? You're on the sleep number bed? What's your sleep number? I don't know. I just did the commercial. What's your phone number? I'm on a sleep number. You're on the sleep number bed? What's your sleep number? I don't know. I just did the commercial. What's your phone number? 818. Oh, so yeah, I knew it was something. You like a little chocolate, don't you? I'll tell you.

I've hooked up with a couple black girls and I'll tell you this. They both have had that hairstyle. I'm into that poofy like that little Jackie Brown shit you got going on. They keep those references hip. You ain't getting none.

I've never been with a black girl for free, but let me tell you something. Course in truth again. Is this thing on? Is this on? Is this thing on? If you don't mind me asking, what you what are you into which way do you go on the uh color chart i'm an equal opportunist i date others yeah yeah i'd imagine i'd imagine

like if i'd imagine that when you're when you go with one for a while then you go to the extreme other to get like over that one or forget about that one not necessarily no it depends you know what i'm into like sometimes i like thai sometimes i like chinese food you know sometimes i like white asian i love that you listed out of the four things you listed three of them were asian i like thai chinese white asian Asian. Vietnamese. Vietnamese, yes. All of the above. No length. Whoa. Jesus.

Whoa, Brian taking a shot at the Asian's penis. How much material do you have, would you say? What's the longest set you've ever done? I feature, so I do about 25 minutes. And what's your topics mostly about? My family. Family. Dating.

Jews. Jews. Not hiring me. Are you My family. Dating. Jews. Not hiring me. Are you from L.A.? From Miami. Whoa. How long have you been in L.A.? 13 years. Wow.

Baker's dozen. You're so much cleverer than you are smart. He really thought about that one. Wow. That's incredible that you graced us with your presence. Anything else for Nika, guys? She's been doing comedy for 13 years. I thought she had terrific stage presence. I liked the way she hit the mark.

I thought it was funny that she stopped at 30 seconds and looked at you like, ta-da. No, I mean. No ta-da. No, no, no. It wasn't a ta-da. I could have kept going. You ta-da'd yourself. No, it was a, no, no, it wasn't a ta-da I could have kept going You ta-da'd yourself No, it was a fear of being cut off

You know, within the minute mark Right, well, great job Thank you Nico Williams She's on Twitter Nico Will N-I-K-A-W-I-L-L. She ta-da, didn't she?

Follow her on Twitter. She did ta-da. There was a little ta-da there. It was a powerful 30 seconds. And I know how it goes. You do 30 seconds of killer fucking shit, you want to close strong. You know that your best two jokes are out there,

and you decided to front end your 60 seconds, you know? She had a little bit of that, follow that, motherfucker. Yeah, exactly. Drop the mic. I've never seen somebody drop the mic and then pick it back up to finish their second. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Looks like another new one. Put your hands together for Isaac Hirsch, everybody.

Oh, boy. Oh, no. There it is. There it is. That's what happens when somebody misses their spot. I know this guy's here. He's one of the veterans on this show. Always very smart, funny, one-liners. One of our favorites. It's Dan Nolan, everybody. Come on.

What's up, guys? I'm about to be celebrating a year clean and sober. Thank you. I used to have to suck guys' dicks to get heroin. None of them would just sell it to me. It was so annoying. I was like, come on guys, this is ridiculous. You guys are being a bunch of jerks right now.

I go to AA meetings. This dude the other day, he was saying that he used to have to do gay stuff all the time back when he was addicted to cocaine. And I assumed he meant he was prostituting himself to get it. Turned out, not the case. He would just do a bunch of cocaine, and then he would just go do a bunch of gay stuff.

At one point, he seriously said this. He goes, I can't even drink a Monster Energy drink or I'll end up sucking a man's dick. I wanted to tell him, like, hey, man, that's not how that works, dude. He must have at least started out trying to be a prostitute, though, if he was that worried about rationalizing it or whatever. Just like, hey, anyone want to pay me $1,000 to suck their dick? No? Anybody just got, like, an old couch they're trying to get rid of?

I'll help you move it. All right, cool. There you go, Dan Nolan. Thank you, guys. Thank you guys thank you What can I say That's some killer dick sucking material you have All dick sucking Very sexy very sexy act

Very sexy act I was hard as a rock I'm telling you If you want another 60 seconds There's the Okay the horse of tardiness. Dan, so much fun. I love your style. I love that you smile through your set. You know what I mean?

You could be so dark and creepy if you didn't. But you balance your serial killer look with a with a lot of likability and i think that helps you a lot and you also just fucking get to your shit you know what i mean i love yeah just fucking get the material out there and let the audience decide if they're gonna laugh or not which i think is important a lot of people go so fucking slow anyway yeah cool yeah it's so cool to be here man yeah did you start wearing pink polo shirts when you were on heroin or yeah I used to

yeah I would dress yeah I pretty much dressed the same now I saw you with a new pair of jeans a couple weeks ago what happened to those you went back to the

yeah well I wanted to wear shorts but you can't wear shorts on stage it looks like your jeans are still on heroin yeah what happened there

did you shoot up into your kneecaps or something like that? Were those the jeans that you wore when you were sucking dick? That's how the knees got old. You have no knees left in there. Jesus. Some kind of like

pistorious fucking tragedy going on. Dan, how do you make your money now? I work at a restaurant over on Santa Monica and La Brea oh yeah good old dick suckers what's the restaurant that you work at Life Kitchen I like that place

not that fucking location the Culver City one Culver City next to all the fucking movie studios I think we've made a love connection. I'm feeling it. Fuck yeah. One in the pink, two in the stink. Guys.

Are you in any relation to Nolan Ryan? No, that's my last name. That's your last name. Now who's dude? It's still me, probably. It's definitely still me oh shit hey settle down

we're friends Dan what else is happening so you're off heroin what do you do to entertain yourself now that you're off heroin imagine that'd be pretty boring I mean I go like a few hours without smoking pot and life gets super boring if I ever tried heroin it'd probably be all that I could think about all the time

he just jams empty needles into his arm. I still like the feeling of needles. I have done that before. I did, but not recently. I would shoot water. I would just shoot water just to feel something. Now, have you really sucked dick for heroin? No, no, no. Yeah, I felt like I didn't have enough time.

I usually go like, nah, I just bought it or whatever. And then, I was like, I only got a minute. Let them think what they want. Have you ever almost sucked a dick? Have you thought about it for heroin? Like when the times were bad? Oh, yeah.

I probably would have sucked a dick. There were definitely times where I would have sucked a dick for sure. Could you describe the dick you would have sucked? What would have been the maximum size dick that you would have been willing to suck? Does it really matter? I don't know. Can you draw it on Ryan J. E. Bell's face?

That's it. What else do you do for fun to fill it in? What was your answer? I go to AA meetings and I write comedy. That sounds about as much fun as doing heroin. Yeah. Do you ever share any crazy stories?

Yeah, I'm starting to do a lot. Do you have any good ones that you'd want to go unanonymous with? Oh, what? In AA? Do you have any stories that you tell in AA that would be interesting? Oh, yeah. I've had a bit I did here, here actually one time uh about shoplifting that started out as an aa share and i was like oh this is pretty funny and then that was like the first

bit that i had i was like oh cool because i usually do one-liners and then but now it's like half and half that's yeah i love that when you go to aa doesn't it just remind you of the shit you're not doing anymore it seems like like you go there every week and all you do is you talk about the stuff you used to do instead of trying to forget about it, right? No, but it's good to vent. I don't know. It's just good to hear all that shit. It's interesting because you don't really look like a heroin addict.

That's what I like about it. Yeah, you look more like you would just shoot up a school than actual heroin. To me, he looks like the last Circuit City employee. I mean, cock-a-licks. He's just still there. Give it up for one half of the

middle act, folks. I think you gotta pull a Destiny's Child and leave him behind on this one. You know what I mean? Dan, so much fun. Anything else for Dan, guys? Steve, what do you think about Dan? Well, he answered what I thought was going to happen.

If he had that life experience as he evolves as a comic, you're going to tap into that and get longer sets, and it's going to be really cool comedy. Yeah. Totally. I think you should start doing heroin again. Really, there's not that much worth to live for. Enjoy yourself.

Got to get that money first. Let's just sit in the silence for a minute. Let's just enjoy silence. Do you think, like, let's say that, do you think that there's a chance that you could ever go back, like, if you were, like, successful and with a ton of money, do you think you would go to an island and just go crazy like so many artists did? I mean, I could see it happening, possibly.

Hang in there, kiddo. Yeah, I worked, not as hard as I'd like to in my sobriety, but I do work pretty hard. Do you ever have flashbacks? Oh, yeah, I mean, I think about it all the time. It's fucking terrific. It's like the best thing that you could ever do. It's so good that you would suck a dick for it. I probably would

suck a dick for it. People do it. That's why they do it. It is interesting. I mean, Dom, you love the NFL. I know that you have parties at your place on Monday nights. You have comedians and friends over and this and that. Like, but you would never, if they said that the season wouldn't happen unless you sucked a dick, you would never suck a dick for football.

Not a boy's dick. A man's dick. Chicks with their dicks, what the fuck? That's not gay. What do you think of Caitlin I don't think she was beautiful I'll tell you that Vanity Fair the best makeup artist in the world She's still scared the fuck out of me

Six foot five And heels she's seven foot How scary is that Would you suck the Bruce Jenner cock? Yeah. What's the minimal amount of heroin you could get for sucking a... Alright, forget it. Dan, it was nice meeting you. Dan Nolan, everybody.

Good job, buddy. Thank you. Good job, Dan. We got two good ones already. Yeah, they were good. It's got to be crazy going to AA meetings as a heroin addict and being like, these fucking people just drink. He's so normal. That's what's scary about him. You don't want to fuck with him too much because it's one of those nights

you're in the parking lot, remember me, motherfucker? Yeah, and you just start sucking your dick. That was fun. Anyway, have anything for me? I pulled another name out of the bucket. We know this guy very well. One of the run-around producers here. Here to try out a brand new minute of stand-up. A Keltoni favorite. A namesake

ever since episode one. Put your hands together for one of our favorite people in the world. Josh Martin, everybody. I have this impediment that a lot of Josh Martin, everybody. Oh, hey. I have this impediment. There's a lot of things I can't do, I realize. There's a lot of things I can't say. Like, if I say certain things, no one's going to believe me.

Like, if I go out and say, hey, I'm giving a TED Talk, no one's believing me. Like, no one's believing me. No one's believing that. If I were to say, Hey, I'm very excited about my flashlight coming in the mail, that's more believable. People are like, Yeah, he's alone. He definitely fucked a flashlight.

I don't know. I realize that I have dick potential. I can have potential to be better. And be great. And so I think all women should try to fuck me now because I'm not going to fuck you later.

You know? now because I'm not gonna fuck you later. You know? Like, Jewish women should definitely fuck me because fucking me now is a great deal. It's a great deal. Yep, there it is. I was waiting for it.

Fuck yeah. for it. Fuck yeah. You know, Tony, we had Josh on two shows this last week while you were gone, and I've had him follow Rogan recently. He's actually been approving so much lately. You've really fallen

into it lately, Josh. Mine is this past Monday. It's amazing. this past Monday. Except for Monday. Except for Monday where you decided to do some weird story. I did a story of how I almost slept with a guy. I got catfished. Josh, could you point to where on the Woody doll

on your shirt he touched you? Was there a snake in your boot? There's a snake! There you go. A little Woody joke for you Toy Story Kill Tony fans. You crossovers. Is there something that you think, is there a reason that you

recently just kind of fell into it? Is there something you've been doing different? Nah. Realizing that I'm better than all these hoes. Wow, I like that. There's so much garbage in comedy. Josh, can I ask you something? I noticed that you stare off at something that's in the top left corner when you're doing all your jokes. Like something

up there towards the ceiling. What exactly are you looking at when you do your jokes? I'm just still afraid to look at people in their eyes. I'm honestly still, I'm trying to get better at looking at people, but I still tend to look right over people's heads. That's how they feel about you

as well. The cataracts don't help. The cataracts in his eyes? They don't help that look. Some of that good old cataract humor. Save it for the closer, Pat. Wow.

I'm trying to get more comfortable looking at people in their eyes. But even when I naturally just talk to people, I don't tend to look at people's eyes. I tend to look over their head. Mostly dick. Now, what were you trying to say when you were talking about, what were you saying, like dick confidence?

I feel like as I get more confidence, I feel like people should sleep with me now. But you're talking about how you have this confidence, but you just said you can't look people in the eye. Potential, not confidence, potential. What does that mean? I feel like I have potential to be something much greater than I am now, so you should fuck me on the low level because I'm not going to fuck you ever. Then I think that that's what you should say.

Yeah, because that makes way more sense. I see you as a future Steve Jobs. All right, Pat. The Tesla guy type person. You got to drop the impediment, Pat. It's the Tesla guy type person. You got to drop the impediment, man. It's killing you. The. Uh-oh.

I would just say, and if you also structured your set that way, if you opened up with your potential, then that bit you opened with would flow logically from that, that there are things that you want to, like. It's something I wrote like a couple days ago. What was the first thing about again? You were like nobody would take him seriously if he said he had a TED Talk, but if he has a flashlight.

So if he opens up with the potential thing, that could set up a whole point of view for 15 minutes. Try and speak normal just to see what it would sound like. What can you say? Hello, guys. It's great to be here tonight. No, no. Don't do the high voice. That's really the only way I can kind of eliminate the speech. Well, then try in your normal voice.

Try right now. I went to speak therapy for like 15 years and it never worked. Nobody cares. We just want you to try. Just say, hello, it's good to be here tonight. Open your mouth all the way. Hello, it's good to be here tonight. Yeah.

That's pretty good. You sound like the kind of guy that went to speech therapy for like 15 years. It's like Caitlyn Jenner's school therapy. It's good to be here tonight. I am Josh Martin. I went to the Caitlyn

Jenner Vocal Speech Training Academy. I mean, yeah, you sort of have like this New Orleans like baby talk accent and what's incredible is that you... No one believes I'm from Louisiana, though. Everyone in Louisiana... Doesn't want to claim you. Yeah, I know. He ain't from here!

Fuck that guy! With his fucking little doll kitty shirts. Like, my brother... My brother has a very southern accent. Josh, the one... He sounds worse than me, I think. I've been noticing... I've known you for a few years,

I feel like every time I see you, you look more and more like a character from South Park. But I'm not exactly sure which one. Your head has become very round. You almost look like an emoticon of some kind. Has anybody told you this? You told me that outside before the show.

Oh, okay. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Josh. Really breaking down the walls of show business. You gotta test that audience, you know? And it was just as not funny before. Whoa, whoa! Whoa!

Wow. Wow, that hurts so much coming from one of the pep boys. I love... Thank you. I love the angry guy. I love the angry guy with a speech impediment. Fuck you. Did it used to be worse when you were younger?

Like, could you not even talk? Were you like, goo, goo, cock? Like, I remember being in... Goo, goo, goo, goo, goo. I was in speech therapy when I was starting at the age of three. So, like, I was in preschool for, like, two years in speech therapy. years. They knew you couldn't speak before you could even speak. You couldn't even open your mouth. They're like, we need this.

Fuck. What do they say it's from? Just brain shit? Or is it uncle's dick? Is it true that you were dwopped on your head? All right, guys. Dwopped? The joke about it is lack of hours. Could you guys be a little more sensitive? Dwarped on your head? Alright, guys. Dwarped?

The joke about it is lack of hours. Could you guys be a little more sensitive? You're not like retarded retarded, right? No, I'm not. I'm smart. Josh, you're the best. One of the most fun-growing comedians in the entire country. He's Josh Martin.

He's at Josh Martin Comic. Works here at the comedy store, working his way up, getting discovered by some of the funniest comedians. He's on his way to great, great stuff. I believed in him from the beginning. Fun fact about Josh Martin is the first night I met him, I was hosting the OR,

the potluck, like a few years ago, and he was so funny on stage that afterwards I'm like, dude, what do you do for work? And he's like, I'm a manager of a McDonald's like an hour outside of town. And I'm like, dude, you have to quit your job because you look and sound like a fucking comedian. I always knew

that he could be this guy that looks like an alt comic but not be an alt comic. You know what I mean? That's awesome. Does that make sense at all? He's like a reverse alt comic. It's like Caitlyn, from far away you'd be like oh that's a fucking chick and then you get closer up and it's just not at all Bad example guys

He's got one of those distinctive voices which are so important in comedy, every great comedian has a voice that with your eyes closed you can tell immediately who you are Exactly, that's why you have such a normal voice That's why I sing I a normal voice. Yeah. That's why I sing. I'm sorry.

I wasn't paying attention. What was that? Come on, kid. I was going to say. Everybody's been so good tonight. Usually, I'm used to a couple of people that bomb so we can critique them. First three were all good. We're just stuck critiquing Pat Reagan over here. Is that shirt the lining of like a chocolates

box or something? My ex-girlfriend got me this shirt. Yeah. Did you break up with her because of that? No, it's a great shirt. You know, I broke up with her for a myriad of reasons. Ooh. I like that. Wow, your vocabulary is matching your scientist

haircut that you have. Alright, you guys ready for your next comedian or what? He's Armenian, everybody. We know this guy. He's been coming to the show since it started. He's probably on episode one. Put your hands together for him. He's been in New York City for like eight or nine months,

and he's back. One of the fun little joke assassins, another one-liner guy. Put your hands together for one of our favorites. It's Gabriel Killian, everyone. I enjoy masturbating. But after I finish, I usually feel really depressed.

Sucks having to say bye to all my friends in the chat room. Opinions are like assholes. Everybody's got one. And I want to know it. I recently came across an article on the internet that said smoking weed every day can be bad for you so I thought about it I made a tough choice and decided to finally quit

using the internet thank you guys you have 10 seconds left, you can do, like, two more jokes. You want to do another one? Boneless chicken wings are the trannies of chicken wings. That's actually true. Gabe Killian, everybody. Come on.

Come on. Gabe Killian. A lot of you recognize him as Ronda Rousey's corner man. I've noticed your voice has changed since the last time I've talked to you. Yeah, it's gotten a lot more like Godfather.

No, I just needed to clear my throat or something. How much do you make driving for Uber? Yeah, when he clears his throat, he sounds like Josh Martin. Lost everybody all at once. What happened, guys? It's really nice that Dom's son started doing comedy. Whoa.

Whoa. Whoa. What happened? Let me explain. There it is. That always puts everybody back on the same page again. So, Gabe, you've been in New York City. What's happening? What's going on with life? How do you make your money? I write for a mixed martial arts website.

Which one? MMAoddsbreaker.com Oddsbreaker? Yeah. You gamble a lot, right? That's your thing. Yeah, I make money betting UFC. What's the most money you ever made?

Off the record, allegedly. On a single night? Yeah. A little over 10 grand. Oh, my God. Wow. What was that fight? Do you remember?

I hit a few big parlays. One that was $25 to win over two grand a parlay. Fuck yeah. Wow. Look at that. How long have you been in New York City? What's different to you about New York than L.A. where you started? In general, I feel more alive there, man.

Yeah. I love the comedy scene more out there. Get enough more out there. Is that because you're Armenian and you see all those taxi cabs and it makes you come to life? It gets you pumped up? That's part of it, yeah, sure. Are you a martial artist yourself?

No. You don't play? No. A little jiu-jitsu. Want a piece of him? No. Gabe, how much would it cost for me to pay you to read me bedtime stories at night?

Because your voice is so relaxing. Well, my going rate is 40, and now I'm about to hook you up for 25. Holy shit. 40 roses or $40? That's what's up. I like how all the comics knew what I was talking about back there in that pocket. Gabe, how long have you been doing comedy for?

Five years, a couple days ago. And do you go up every night? Because I rarely see you anymore. I spend more nights trying to get up and not getting up than I do getting up, but I try. You're going to the wrong places. You should try other places There's other places to look at I'm serious, I'm not even fucking with you

I'm being real That's a really good Gabe voice Yeah, thank you, I have many talents Gabe, what do you think about Pat being able to do a voice like that? It's almost as good as Tebow's Thank you He likes that Gabe, what do you like to do a voice like that. It's almost as good as Tebow's. Thank you. He likes that. Gabe, what do you like to do for fun? Tell us something interesting

about you that's not just, you know. Well, you know, I like to watch fights. We've covered that. What else, Gabe? I like to travel. I like to read. Go down to Vegas.

Let's see. I really like Wes Henderson films. I don't know. Are you guys into postmodern classical music? I like Terry Riley. In the Key of C is my favorite. I also like jazz piano by Keith Jarrett. All right. All right.

All right, Gabe. That's a danger. Marcel Proust. It's a danger of Pat getting a laugh. He won't fucking let it go. Gabe, it was fun to talk to you, man. Thank you, guys. Rock and roll.

Another good 60 seconds of jokes. He's on Twitter at Gabriel Killian, K-I-L-L-I-A-N. Happy birthday, buddy. A lot of old Kill Tony favorites getting pulled out of the bucket tonight. It's like a little who's who. This looks like a new one. I don't know. This bad handwriting on the last name, but I'm just going to try here.

Jesse Valarlar. Hey, this set goes out to ISIS, baby. They would not expect me. That would be like a major blow, baby. They would not expect me. That would be like a major blow to ISIS. They would not expect me to do this in their name, but I am. I don't really smoke weed anymore at all because I don't like going to the doctor and getting a weed card. I think that shit's really stupid, you know? So last time I got my weed card, I went there, and they're like, what, do you need a weed card?

And I was like, because I'm a pedophile. I swear to God, I swear to God, the guy was like, oh, we got some dankity for that. It was White Widow. That's a cure for pedophilia. You guys ever watch like a bee die right in front of you? Like right after it stings you? It is so tight because they do not expect to die. They're like,

uh, uh, uh, I'm dying, but I attacked you. It's like, it's like, yeah, four-week to fucking book. Like, how do you not know that? Like, what the fuck? Hella stupid. Alright. There you go. A minute. Hi, Jesse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi. There you go A minute Hi Jesse You know who he reminds me of?

A little Billy Bonelli I don't know who that is dude How's it going Jesse? What? Who the fuck knows who that is? His voice sounds the same Jesse where are you from? I'm from Seattle

That's cool How long have you been in L.A.? Like a year and a half. Seattle, March 24th. That's when we're going to be there. That's right. Anyway, what about you again? What, what?

How long have you been in L.A.? Like a year and a half. Oh, cool. Yeah. So fun. It is fun. You still ride a motorcycle? Oh, yeah, I got a better one now.

Yeah? Yeah, it's a Harley, and people are impressed. Really? Yeah. How'd you buy it? I bought it with credit, dude. Dude, they'll give anyone a fucking Harley, I swear to God. That's so cool.

Are you rapping right now? You seem more like a moped guy to me than an actual full-size motorcycle. I had, like, several mopeds. I upgraded them. Who's the woman who was laughing at all your stuff? Is that your girl? Is there a sidecar on this Harley? No, that's Courtney.

She's just in love with me because I'm really good at comedy. Force of truth. Where are you? It's so funny. I saw you hit the horn button and I looked over and Jeremiah went like that. It's so nuts. Jesse, so how long have you been on stand-up? I don't even know, dude. I really don't know.

Great answer. I really don't know. Like ballpark it? 25 years. Sorry for bothering you. Sorry for bothering you. See him? He asked me. Fuck with these questions. It's like math, dude. Sorry for bothering you. Yeah, right? Sorry for bothering you. See him? He asked me, oh, fuck it. Fuck with these questions. It's like math, dude. He's a little diva queen over there.

It's like math. Because I'll do two years, and I'll quit because I hate it, and then I'll come back. It's been like six, seven years or something like that. That's so cool. You're so funny. What do you do for work? I fucking steal shit. I sell weed and shit.

It's so tight. I love that Dude it's such a rush Dude I saw myself In a like a security cam One time Like stealing some shit And I got caught that time

And I know why I got caught It's cause I have too much swag When I steal shit Like It was like I was stealing shit And you could just see me Just like

It's like going up to this So I don't do that anymore I don't do that anymore. I don't do it anymore. You're funny as fuck. What's your last name? Velasas. Trying to get famous.

Trying to get on some shows. Sure, yeah, of course. You're already on one right now. I guess so. I don't even know who you guys are. I love that. That's exactly how... I just asked what your last name was, so I'm pretty sure we're on the same page there.

But that's fucking cool. You guys got shit. I don't got shit. Well, please don't steal this show from me, Jesse. Please. All right. You still got a girlfriend, Jesse? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah? She's cool. She's cool. She's not here? She used to come everywhere. No, because she got a girlfriend, Jesse? Yeah, yeah. She's cool. She's not here? She used to come everywhere. No, because she got a job now. She's stripping now. Really? Yeah. No, really. She works at Deja Vu. Wow. That's cool.

I feel like you didn't need to disclose. No, it's more money for the both of us. That's true. People are like, oh, I saw your girlfriend at work. People are like, oh, I saw your girlfriend at work. I was like, yeah. So whatever. I mean.

Fuck yeah. Yeah, yeah. I like you, man. I like you, Jesse. Thank you. I'll be your friend. All right. What do you guys think about Jesse?

I liked him. I liked the fact that he laughed at one of his jokes and I was thinking, maybe he's thinking of something funnier than he's actually saying. Which one was that? I don't know. I can't remember. There was such a cavalcade of jokes.

One after another after another. Great stuff. You had a very relaxed demeanor. I loved her over laughing for you. That's a good one. Yeah.

Do you really steal stuff? Oh, yeah. Why don't you become an agent? A what? Like a secret agent? That would be tight. Yeah, no, you're right. Fuck yeah.

Is he being sarcastic? I don't know. It's something. He's got his own thing to him. He just commits to it. This is that East Side Comedy, Tony. You don't know what the fuck people are doing. I love when they're talking.

Hey, you know what's tight? It's like Pat, me and Pat are really good buddies, and there's this dude who has beef with both of us. Who? Kenny Lyon? Yeah, yeah. What Kenny Lyon got against you? Kenny Lyon hates me because I have a song called

Suck the Gun Like a Dick. I played it tonight, and Kenny Lyon once had to actually suck a gun like a dick. And he hates me because I'm the best comedian in the world. I'm like, I'm sorry. Well, it was very nice to meet you, Jesse. Have fun. Rock and roll. Fuck yeah.

This is what happens to Disney stars when they have talent in their stand-up. Jesse Velasquez, a cute BB apple pie. That's his Twitter handle. What's his Twitter handle?

That's definitely an East Side comic. Yeah. Cute BB apple pie. Cute BB apple pie. It's millennials. There you go. Fuck yeah. I love it.

You guys having fun out there? How you guys doing? Crazy Anything can happen I'd like to give a shout out to Steph Curry Sitting in the middle of the room right here You know That's how popular our show has gotten

That the actual Steph Curry Comes in Wearing his jersey Just to watch this show. He's proud. He's such a Kill Tony fan that he proudly wears his jersey because he wants you to know that Steph Curry

comes to Kill Tony. This is always fun. Now, this is a new one and it's always fun. I've always said this. Anytime it's one word. Anytime it's one word. It's always interesting as fuck. Put your hands together for Cruz. What's up everybody? Recently picked up a bad bad habit i started shoplifting out of spite

i used to used to get upset at the grocery store not anymore i'm just gonna rob the place i was at arco i was paying for gas i'm into arco for about 60 bucks in gas go to pay with my atm card they come back they want to charge me for 35 cents to use my ATM card. Alright, you guys want to play that game? Took a five hour energy, put it in my pocket. Not going to get mad at Arco, I'm just going to get

a five hour energy for 35 cents, guys. No? No? Not funny, huh? Alright. Well, this is a fucking abortion. Now I don't even know if I should continue. I was at the grocery store. The other thing I do when I'm at the grocery store

at the self-checkout, right? I got a rule. The two-swipe rule. You guys try this? If I swipe an item twice, it doesn't scan. Shit's free, man. It goes right back in the cart. Nobody's checking.

Okie dokie. I mean, I think we know what happened there. I think Jesse Velasquez fucking buried you, man. I think that's what happened. Cruz, you got your two biggest laughs on nope and that didn't work. Yeah, it's not a good sign. It's not a good sign. It's not a good sign. The good thing, though, is this is being recorded live.

All right. At least nobody knows about it. Thanks for reminding me. Well, you had to follow a guy who did stuff about stealing. Yeah, you know, I almost thought about not doing it. You went all the way with the stealing stuff, and you're like, well, I get discounts. And it's just not enough of an extreme. There was like three or four shoplifting jokes already.

Yeah, I know. I just chose another 10 seconds. I thought about that, but I was like, well, you stuck with already committed stuck with your plan. Once you're committed, I guess so. You're just going to die. I think the beginning of your set was fucked up by you

fussing with the mic cord. I don't know. I have a firm... I always think sets can go so awry right in the first five seconds if you don't assert yourself. And when the audience sees you fucking around like that... I also think it's tough. Less than about 24 hours ago, you were head coaching

the Carolina Panthers. Yeah, that's the 20th time I heard that already. I bet, yeah. It was like five comics comics asked me that earlier today yeah that's how it goes when you look exactly like somebody that everybody just saw the day before

that's what happens what are you going to do that's fun though what do you do for work Cruz I own a cabinet shop. I build kitchen cabinets. Oh, yeah, that's right. You've been on the show before.

Yeah. That's fun. Do you have more fun building kitchen cabinets than you do performing stand-up comedy? No, no, no. I'm pretty funny, man. This is a bad night. Totally, totally.

Happens. What do you guys think? In the need of any kitchen cabinets? Help me out, Steve. I haven a bad night. Totally. Totally. Happens. What do you guys think? In the need of any kitchen cabinets? Help me out, Steve. I haven't heard a whole lot from you. How long have you been doing this, man? About a year. Okay.

I wouldn't worry about material ever your first year. You pointed out the biggest laugh you got was when you were completely honest. When you're like, oh, this shit isn't working. The audience, they feel the difference. So I'd write from that point of view. That's great advice, Steve. I wouldn't worry about material or being, oh, this shit isn't working. The audience, they feel the difference. So I'd write from that point of view. That's great advice, Steve. I wouldn't worry about material or being, quote, funny. No, I think when you're honest, that's when you're funniest.

Me? Yeah. Well, like I said at the beginning, I think that you really should, since it's only a minute, I know you got more than a minute. It was bad instinct coming up and doing jokes about shoplifting. That would be like tie that in with doing the heroin and sucking dick. And you didn't have to show.

It's like a rewrite. Not at all. I mean, I think that obviously you got, you know, some stage. I was thinking that as I was running up. I was like, fuck, I'm going to have to do it. Yeah. But you could feel it. You could feel it when you were saying it.

Yeah, I wasn't committed to it. So acknowledge what you're thinking. I fucked up at that moment. And then I, but, you know, you were saying it. Yeah, I wasn't committed to it. So acknowledge what you're thinking. I fucked up at that moment. But you get a minute, so... You know, one door closes, another one opens. But you build cabinets, so you know that. It's true. Tony kills one.

Kill Tony. Rough. Is that your real Twitter handle under your name? Yeah It was nice to see you again Cruz Best of luck Thanks for having me Keep doing it Cruz is on Twitter at El Robolo Dobolo

Just like it's spelled I couldn't hear you A little bit of an emotional No bolo. Just like it's spelled. A little bit of an emotional musical verse there. Those are the, for you romantics in the audience that were nuzzling up to one another. A little acoustic

horn. Okay. Pulled another name out. Here we go again. Joel Jimenez, everyone. Joel Jimenez. Oh, is it hot in here, or is it just me having a full-blown panic attack? I'm a really nervous person. The first time I ever climaxed from masturbating, I was 12 years old. And I audibly said the words,

Oh no, I've gone too far. Just picture 12-year-old me sitting reverse cowgirl on it was the only way I could do it I put Vaseline in my butt nothing went up there I think I just wanted to feel slippery fuck yeah Joel Jimenez coming in crushing this is your first time on the show, right?

Yeah. Nice to meet you, buddy. How long have you been on stand-up? About four years. Very cool. John Jimenez is the drummer of the Baby Boys. Oh, wow. That's so cool.

Baby Boys is Pat Reagan's band that I am a huge, huge fan of. One of my favorite albums is Pat Reagan Smells Like Shit. Is that the name of it? That's the name of it, yep. Back to Joel. Fuck yeah, Joel. You're very funny. You had us from the very, very opening.

Do you really get panic attacks? Oh, yes, absolutely. I could feel that. He's like a Mexican Richard Lewis. Oh, wow. So he's your drummer and you're his lawyer? What's going on right now, exactly? Why are you explaining that? I don't know. Let me tell you more about Joel. He's one of my best friends. I just decided to see him up here. I love that. I love that. He's like a human Gilbert Godfrey. Human. Joel, Joel so what else do you do?

you play drums, you do stand up, what do you do for work? how do you make money? I work at a skate park wow, that is the trifecta of being hip the kids hate me why is that? if you're under 18 you have to wear a helmet, and I enforce helmets.

And they fucking, they hate me so much. Wow. That's a good bit. They wrote fuck Joel once on the ramp. I knew that would be a good bit. I knew that would be a good bit. It was like in bubble letters, too. Fuck was like six feet long, and then Joel was like six feet long and then Joel was like

six feet tall and then another ramp had a giant dick on it. Fuck Joel has carved more into that park than anything else. Wow. So there's that. Has the hoverboard made it to the skate park?

Are they doing that shit? I like the hoverboard kids because they're not like? Are they doing that shit? I've got a couple kids, but now I like the hoverboard kids because they're not like pretend. Anything the skateboard kids don't like, I can relate to now. The hoverboard kids, they just want to have a good time, roll around.

Do you always close your eyes when you talk? It might just be right now. I don't know. I've never noticed that. I'll pay attention to that. Thanks a lot. It's so funny because you're like this hybrid of like

an east side alt hip comedian but also there's like something so like 1920s about you. Thank you. Hybrid's good. I want to be a mixture of both. I would like to... I'm every. I want to be a mixture of both. I would like to. Of course. Yeah, hybrids are sweet.

I'm every woman. It's all in me. All right, shut up, Pat. All right, moving on. Indica and Sativa. How long have you worked at a skate park? Because that seems like the kind of job that you'd have for a very long time. Nine years.

Right. Yeah. Huh. The first, like, I got the job when I was, like, 20. And it was great. I was like, yes, I'm 20. And then the older I got, the more the job meant. I started being a little more anal about the rules,

and then that's when they all turned on me. I bet it's pretty easy to get bored at a skate park. I'm fucking bored out of my mind. Three old men listening to the podcast in Paluxy. That's not even a city. So, Joel, what's something crazy that you've seen at this skate park? Anything interesting other than just people saying, fuck you? This is kind of, I mean.

Anybody ever just completely refused to wear a helmet? And if so, what do you do? I wasn't there, but I heard this story, this ex-Marine, I think he had a little bit of PTSD. He came and somebody told him he had to wear a helmet. And he got the helmet and he said, I'd rather die! And he threw it. And then he got in his white Acura and I never saw him again. Wow. And he was under 18 and he was a former Marine.

Well, there's a little back story on that. This kid cracked his head and then after that everybody had to wear a helmet. And then we figured out that if you're over 18 you can sign for yourself. So that was during the time when everybody had to wear a helmet. And then we figured out that if you're over 18, you can sign for yourself. So that was during the time when everybody had to wear a helmet. Oh, my God. That's crazy.

Yeah. I'd imagine a lot of that skate park would, you know. Can't they go anywhere else like that has stairs and stuff? Yes. I tell them that all the time. They're like, fuck you, Joel. We hate you. Get out of here.

You're not funny. They're your subconscious fuck you, Joel. We hate you. Get out of here. You're not funny. They're your subconscious. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, they become. They know, like, your actual thoughts. Oh, God. I hope they hear this. Nah, they'd still probably think I was a loser.

It's okay. Joel wanted, we went to the cannabis cup on Sunday, and Joel wanted the kids, he was like, he was like, man, at least the kids will think I'm cool because I went to the cannabis cup. I'm not going to went to the cannabis cup. So I don't know what these kids think. Now I'm going to have a panic attack that the kids are going to hear that I went to the cannabis cup. And then I'm going to – I try to keep it like – okay, all right, moving on. I wish I could have just – okay, all right.

Okay, go ahead. What did you say, Tony? Have you had a girlfriend recently? Yes, I've had a girlfriend for the last 11 years. Wow. So it's skate park for 9, girl for 11. I know how to commit, dude. Where is this lucky lady?

She's at home. She got off work at 7 o'clock. Where does she work? She works at a spa. Ooh. Lovely. Steve Simone said hello. I will. Does she do massages? No, she runs the desk and stuff.

She does all the... She makes sure everything runs smoothly. So the madam. She prefers madame, but yes. Well, Joel, very nice to meet you. Welcome to Kill Tony. Great job. Very, very fun. Thank you, guys. This was very fun. There you go. One of the baby Well, Joel, very nice to meet you. Welcome to Kill Tony. Great job. Very, very fun. Thank you, guys. This was very fun. There you go.

One of the baby boys, Joel Jimenez. The beats. That's the... Hey, Tony, do you think gay Scorp... Never mind. Is this going to be a gay Scorpion joke? Do you think gay skateboarders use Grindr?

Wow. Jeez, I thought you were ramping up to a better skateboarding joke. Ramping up. No, I bailed. Yeah, you should have pulled a real 180 there and never done that. You should have toe-flipped out of here.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together in pink font pink handwriting anna valenzuela so i was having sex with my ex-boyfriend and he had a stroke that's right i blew that motherfucker's mind. You would think that would never happen again, but I went on a date with somebody, and two days later, he died. Fun fact about that,

he worked for the show Cops, and he was shot on location. Yeah. Thank you. Now here's the deal. Again, that can never happen, right? Well, went on a date. A couple weeks later, the guy was found dead in his apartment.

So here's the deal. Either I'm comedically unlucky and Kill Tony is exactly where I need to be right now because my life's already a fucking joke, or I'm ground zero for the fastest acting STD you have ever encountered. Okay. Holy shit. All those poor guys

my god and then of course after all that you just died on stage that did not go well it was very uplifting so let's just jump right into it how much of that is true talking to the mic

what was it like when the guy had a stroke and you're having sex it was yeah it was my ex-boyfriend he's still alive oh good so yeah maybe i should have said that what happened was he just like ow or something like what he uh he he came and he went blind is that true yes you sound like you're like masturbating some kind of fucking curse or something. That's the point. Yeah, that's the point of the joke. I think you've got the it follows disease

for the four people in this room that may have seen that amazing movie from last year. Did you see her just stick her tits out? She goes, he came and he went blind. Pussy's that good, man. I don't know what to tell you. Do you really believe that? Do you think that you're so you really think that you're special so special

that people are dying afterwards like well I've done everything that I could possibly do no but it's it's something unique to me and so it's well I mean like obviously those events happening in that order that's unique and so when I say

it on stage I feel like it's like different wow you're a dangerous one I mean I that's unique. And so when I say it on stage, I feel like it's like different. Wow. You're a dangerous one. I mean, I, I, yeah,

that's, I mean, that's crazy. There has to be, there's no joke in people dying though, that you're just kind of like freaking everybody out. You're basically just reading a bunch of obituaries really quickly. You know,

they say a lot of people can relate to comedy. It makes it funny. You think everybody's sitting out there going, yeah, my boyfriend had a stroke too, it was fucking great. Then the other one died three days later. Ah, I can't breathe. And neither can he. Yeah, have you seen that sitcom, Making a Murderer?

It's hilarious, dude. One of the great comedies right now. So, the one that died, so the cops thing was a joke because that was shot on location. Yeah. Right?

So that's a joke. So how did he die? He worked for the show Cops. He was a sound guy. He was shot. He was shot? And I actually know this story. I remember this headline.

And when you said that, now I'm thinking, oh my God, he seemed like a nice guy. He was a super nice guy. We saw Nick Cave in the Bad Seats together a nice guy. He was a super nice guy. We saw Nick Cave in the Bad Seats together. We were fixed up by a friend of his.

This is the sound guy for the show Cops. Wow. You work with the boom, you die by the boom. That's a much better joke than you guys are giving it credit for. That is it. An audio guy has to get shot for that joke to work.

Think I ever get to use that? Huh? Boom, boom. Motherfuckers. Anyway. So, okay. So one guy had a stroke. One guy got shot.

And the third guy, there was a third guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was found dead in his apartment. See, what would be funny is if you're just like, and the guy yeah i just killed that one i just killed yeah that's true that's really okay but what actually happened uh that that was it we're not 100 causes yeah he had a lot of problems he um i uh like dan i'm i'm clean and sober and so he was in the program and he uh had been clean for a while but he'd been been really fucked up through heroin. I never had sex with a guy or anything, but it's funnier.

What did you do? No, we just went out on dates. He'd be dead if you had sex. Yeah, for sure. But he is dead anyway. He did it to himself. This is a bummer. I think I should just abandon the whole bed, is how I feel. Is this a eulogy?

There is a way she could probably do it. Just make it a little lighthearted. I felt like they were in there, but I guess they weren't. What was the joke? The kind of bluest mind, the first one, and then the shot on location. What part were you in when he had the stroke?

We were in the shower. We were having sex in the shower. He took a final that night, too, and passed it. Took a what? A final. He was in grad school. Wow. After the stroke. Yeah.

And it was a real stroke. He went to the hospital. Because, I mean, I've had sex in the shower where it's gotten so hot where I have to stop and then go lay down on the bathroom floor. Dude, that just happened. Really? Wait, wait. Both of you are excited about that.

Were you guys fucking each other when this happened that just happened it was crazy you guys both laying next to each other on the bathroom floor that's the worst too I've had that happen a few times where I've just kind of fainted Anna it sounds like you have a lot of awkward

funerals coming up your way yeah well I went to the two guys that died a lot of awkward funerals coming up your way yeah well I went to the two guys that died I went to their funerals really weird second date option by the way for the first guy are you okay from this I mean three in a row

it was about like six months before I started doing comedy so no but I think that I don't know it's it's an interesting experience it certainly makes you value life and having a sense of humor through those things I mean I wish I had a better response do you think you're at fault at any of this do you really take any of the blame no because that's a crazy coincidence yeah you don't think you're a little bit witchy? Yeah, you sure you're not? I probably am.

I probably am a little bit witchy. Did you do anything? Did you read any creepy books at a magic store or something like that? Watched The Craft a lot as a kid. Do you know who Tyler Durden is? Maybe you've been doing this the whole time, and you're some serial killer. Maybe.

Maybe. I mean, at least you can kill somewhere. Because it wasn't here tonight. I agree. That wasn't my strongest performance. I think I've done this before. I did better last time. But it doesn't matter. Anyway, what else is going on?

What do you do for work, Anna? I work at a drug treatment center. At a drug treatment center? Yeah, I'm like a house mom at a sober living. And then I do comedy. That's what I do. Have you had sex since these incidences without any problems? When did the stroke happen?

Gosh, that was probably two and a half years ago. That was about three strokes ago. So you've had a... Three strokes. Chug the water forever, Pat. Just stay like that after that. I know the bottle's empty. Just keep it up.

Okay, Anna, we're going to move on. It was nice to meet you. What's your Twitter handle here? What does that say? Anna V is fun. Okay. Sometimes. Sometimes.

Anna V is fun, everybody. Twitter is a lie. Anna V is fun. Anna V is fun. Anna V is fun. Anna V is fun. Anna V is fun, everybody. Twitter is a lie. Anna V is fun. Anna V is fun. Anna V is fun. Anna V is fun. It's all happening.

It's all happening. We're flying through it. Here we go again. Oh, I went to a school with a guy that has this name. I'm wondering if it's him, but it's, of course, probably not. Put your hands together for Dan Walsh, everybody. So I was watching an Army commercial the other day, and they had this guy on there, and he was like,

when I was in Afghanistan, I worked with heavy machinery, and now I'm an engineer making $80,000 a year. And I got super motivated. I was like, fuck yeah, Soldier Steve. And I started thinking, I was like, you know, I was in the military and I want a commercial. But if I started talking about the things that I did in Iraq, I think that my commercial would get some letters

because mine would go something like this. It would be like, my name's Dan, and when I was in the Marine Corps in Iraq, every day I used to masturbate while wearing night vision goggles. If you didn't know, when you ejaculate, that shit comes out glowing. And it kind of scares you. Oh, ooh-rah. I love telling that joke because when you look in the crowd, people are like, this is what we pay tax dollars for, for them to masturbate in the goggles? tax dollars for for them to masturbate in the goggles yes you do and thank you for supporting your troops i uh had a discussion with a homeless person and i didn't know how to get out of it but i found out how you do it if they just start talking to you about their mothership and shit

you just put your hand in your pocket and start playing with your balls just come back crazy with crazy fuck yeah dan walsh how long you been doing stand-up, Dan? Ten years. Ten years? Where at? St. Louis. Oh, okay. How long have you been in L.A.?

Three weeks. Wow. Welcome, welcome. I love that night vision goggles thing. I think you can get to it quicker and just fucking get right into, you know, I was in the Marines. One of the fun things I did was boom. And then I don't think you need any of that commercial setup or anything at all.

That premise is something I've never heard of. Sounds like fun and fucking, you know, you can get more shit out like that. You know, just talking more about the Marines. You could totally own that and be doing USO shows. Have you ever done any of those? No, when I was in Iraq, like my job in the battalion was to entertain everybody like if they had like time out

So like that's how I started in comedy was that like my CEO would be like boss Get up there and say some funny shit So I'd have to like impersonate them and so like anytime we stopped or we did anything. That's what I did So great what an important important job I'm serious. I have like yeah, there's no no heroic story like I saved all these kids. No, I told dick jokes. Keeping the morale up is amazing. That's a really big deal. That's so fucking cool.

You ran out of material. They're like, hey, you guys want to see me jack off with night vision goggles? Well, everybody did it. Someone told me about it. Can you style your hair with that jizz? You could, man. Sand and just... It keeps it fucking tight, man. Look.

High and tight. I love that. It's so nice to meet you. What do you do for work now? I'm security at the Whiskey A Go-Go on Sunset. And then I drive an Uber. One of the only bars that I ever like to go to in this town. Really?

Yeah. What kind of Uber do you drive? Uber X? What are we talking about? Let me what kind of Uber do you drive? Uber X? What are we talking about? Let me guess. Civic. Am I right? I have a Prius C.

I have the 2016. Whoa. I have the newest. Whoa, whoa. So if you want to ride in fucking luxury, you pick Dan. Wow. A little uppity about your Prius bragging.

Yeah, I know. That's all I got right now. Well, that's fun. Did you just move to LA? Yes, sir. Man, you must be so pumped. Where are you living around? I'm in Koreatown. Nice. That's fun. What do you think about that? It's great

until you realize you have to park in fucking San Diego. I don't know if Korean people just love walking or hate convenience, but you ain't gonna to find a fucking parking spot. You got to get a Gatorade. Don't even get me started, dude. Other than that, it's beautiful.

I love it. What about Koreans? You're from St. Louis, so is that a new thing for you? No. Funny, I grew up with Koreans. I was in Taekwondo as a kid, and I learned from a Korean family. I was actually kind of a cool thing when i that's where i found i was gonna live i thought like i would like get this kinship

with them and like we would just and no they don't want anything to do with me fuck yeah they're like round eye we don't we don't like him what uh were you said you were in the marines yes sir how long were you in iraq for um i was only in iraq for nine months. We went over right after the first initial push. So when we went over, things were still pretty fairly new. Only nine months. Well, there was guys over

there that were there for two years. Don't holler at me, tough guy. I'm sorry. I apologize, sir. You're a little out of the apologize, sir. It's all right. You're a little out of the line, sir. There was just guys who were over there for a really long time and did a lot of stuff. So when you're like six and nine months, it's, you know, I mean, you don't feel like it's.

You're much more admiration for those guys. My two brothers fought over there. Oh, yeah? Iraq and Afghanistan. Oh, excellent. Well, yeah? Iraq and Afghanistan. Oh, excellent. We'll tell them thank you next time. I'll tell them if they want to get in the whiskey half-price lookup.

Come see me, man. I'm the silver flashlight, the fancy one. That's so cool. Yeah, you've been here for three weeks and you already have a job at the whiskey? Yeah. When I first came in, I came to LA in 2007 Because I did road rules for MTV And so a buddy of mine

Stayed out here, that was on the show So he plays in bands And so when I got here He was already connected with them And asked if, just because of military experience If they needed anybody You were on road rules? Yeah, I did like the challenges and stuff

Do you know Christina Piszczycki? She's married to Tom Segura, and she was actually on Road Rules. I know of her. Do you know The Miz? Not really. Really? No, funny story, too. I was a professional wrestler for 14 years.

Get the fuck out of here. Me and Steve are two of the biggest pro wrestling comedian fans. Yeah, I wrestled out of St. Louis. What was your name? What was your move? When I first started, it was the Crocodile Kid, and I dressed up like the Crocodile Hunter. Oh, my God.

I love this. We found something. Here we go. This is why I ask these questions, you see. Yes, the phone of something. Yeah. That's fucking awesome. What was your finishing maneuver? I had a phone of something. That's fucking awesome. What was your finishing maneuver?

I had a few of them. The crocodile sleeper? No, one of them was the walkabout. The sea alligator? The stingray. I think I came up with four of them like that, but there was one where I just grabbed the guy's head and I ran up the corner and gave him a stunner.

That was the walkabout. Everything was Australian. The guy who was the promoter that made me do it was hardcore old school. He was like, you're just talking that fucking voice. I better not hear you say anything other. I had to talk like that to my family. Australian.

Cut a promo for us. What would you say if you were cutting a promo against an opponent? Let's say you were going up against The Undertaker at WrestleMania. What was your name? The Crocodile Boy? The Crocodile Boy? The Crocodile Hunter?

Because that would be an epic match. The Crocodile Hunter and the... Cut a promo right now. Tell us in that voice. Like, how would you do it? I'd be like... Oi! The Crocodile Kid's gonna go against The Undertaker.

He's a scary man and I think he peed in me duffel bag backstage. I'm mighty excited although I'm kind of scared. That's why I brought my pythons with me. I love that. Fuck yeah. Dan, so fucking cool. Welcome to LA.

Three weeks in and you already have a home here. Come back anytime. Dan Walsh, everybody. Anything else for Dan? Thank you for your service. Welcome to LA. Fuck yeah. He's back anytime. Dan Walsh, everybody. Thank you. Anything else for Dan? Thank you for your service. Welcome to LA. Fuck yeah. He's on Twitter at DanWalsh83.

He better do that on stage. The whole wrestler thing. Dan, you totally have to talk about that. It's like good life experience. And stretch on that. And stretch on the Marine stuff, too. Because the night goggle thing is so funny. Great premises.

One more time for Dan Walsh, everyone. This is the part of the show where we have one regular here tonight. Vanessa Johnston called in sick, but we still have our one other regular, always nervous, always trying her best. Put your hands together for Melissa Esslinger, everybody. Thank you. I went to a parking garage and when I pressed the button

to get my ticket to go in the machine was like please obtain validation upon exit so I guess I can stop paying for therapy and just start going there twice a week speaking of therapy I still sleep with my Barney doll

which is probably maybe why I'm still single also maybe why I tend to attract pedophiles but yeah you could squeeze his hand and he would sing the I love you song except I think that like it broke or something cause I squeezed it and it,

I'm going to do this, I squeezed it and it sang, I love you, you love me. Hold on, I'm going to start over. I love you, you love me. Jesus Christ, now I'm forgetting it. No, I got to do it. Fuck yeah, there it is. I have it. You love me. Jesus Christ, now I'm forgetting it. No, I got to do it. Fuck yeah, there it is.

I have it. Holy shit, I know it. I don't think it's going to get any better, Melissa. No, I have a whole thing. I'm listening to it. I love you. You love me. Then what does it say?

Well, hold on. Look at me right now. No, relax, Melissa. Gather yourself. How's it going? You okay? Oh, I got it. I got it.

I got it. Okay, sure. Go ahead. Thank you. I got it. Okay, sure. Go ahead. Thank you. I love you. You love me. We're a fucked up family with a not even real hug and a bill for therapy. Hold on.

Hold on. No, no. If you loved yourself. No. This is the worst thing I've ever heard. You wouldn't have me. Melissa, how's it going? How are you?

Everything okay? Put your hands together for Melissa, everybody. Trying her very best. So it needs to be quicker. It needs to be shorter. Yeah, I just hate songs in the middle of jokes anyway, naturally. But anyway, how's it going, Melissa? How are you? Good.

I'm going to get right to it. Let's say that the material that you're presenting is a steak, right, that you're feeding to the audience. The way I've always looked at it is ums are like, at each um that you say, it's like taking a shaker of cinnamon or something fucking with a weird taste in it. And you're dumping it on that steak each time or something like that, like something that sort of sucks more than cinnamon. You know what I mean? Like fucking, I don't know each time or something like that like something that sort of sucks more than cinnamon you know what I mean like fucking I don't know mustard or something something that you just don't want on a steak on a delicious steak with your material being the steak in this analogy

these ums the first word out of your mouth was um you had two weeks you know what I mean so we didn't even do a show last week so this is you know a minute and your first word is um. I know I'm being like tough cop here, but that's because I want to see you get better. And ums, you should be morphing into an assassin.

It's not easy. It's nervous energy. It's like people who say, you know, or like I was walking in the, you know, like um. You don't need it. You don't need it to connect with people you don't need that you can go straight to your stuff and we don't know what you know and don't know by the way when you go hold on a second oh I'm going to get what else are we going to do

there's no need to break down those walls in that direction I thought the coolest thing I saw all night was you throwing her that life preserver where you're like talk to me talk to me. Talk to me. Like, okay, stop with your set. Talk to me to calm her down.

And I noticed throughout the whole night everybody was really funny, but they were funniest after they presented their material. So, like, that's the secret. It's like you only have a minute. That sucks. Right. You're new. You still care. That sucks.

Eventually you'll have more time. You'll care less. Then you'll be that person that was getting interviewed by you instead of the person trying to be funny. That's when you'll get really funny for everybody. Did you notice that everybody had great stories? I was like, why did you do that stupid joke when you have this life? I couldn't think of better material at the time.

What you need is more talent. There you go. If I can take that, I guess I'll not die. I'll be alright. Well, Melissa, it's not always easy. It's stand-up comedy, and you're still in your first few months

of your residency as the Kill Tony regular. We believe in you. We'll see you next week. Melissa Esslinger, everybody. She's on Twitter, Melissa Esslinger. Watch her on Twitter at Melissa Esslinger watch her grow live every single week Ryan J. Ebel drew tonight's episode

look at it what do we got oh my goodness it's us with a cool background black and red and yellow he draws it live RyanJEbel.com for all those prints Jamie Vernon's Jamie Vernon at Josh Martin comic

Patty Reagan Jeremiah Watkins Jeremiah stand up Jeremiah stand up on Twitter Patty Reagan P-A-T-T-Y-R-E-G-A-N Steve Simone Dom Irera anything else you guys want to plug before we leave anything else coming up Good Times Podcast at Dom Irera

I-R-R-E-R-A the greatest one of our favorites Dom Irera Steve Simone thank you so much live Live audience, thank you. Make some noise. Thousands listening to the podcast. Seattle, March 24th. Kill Tony, live.

Good night. Then you really might know what it's like The man we got pregnant from a kid named Tom Said he was in love Said don't worry about a thing baby darling man you've been dreaming up Three months later he said he won't date or return her call And she swear god damn it to find that man cutting off his balls And as she heads for the clinic Can she get some static walk? you