KILL TONY - KILL TONY #143

Episode Date: February 24, 2016

Al Madrigal, Jessica Michelle Singleton, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Jeremiah Watkins, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 02/15/2016 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Oh, hey, what's up, guys? It's Red Band coming to you live from Death Squad, Home Squad. This is an episode of Kill Tony, a new episode. This is the last two weeks, this episode and the next episode. Probably some of the funniest Kill Tonys that we've done in a while. So enjoy this. Don't forget you go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for all of Tony Hinchcliffe's stuff and merchandise. He even talks about one of his amazing shirts on this episode. So go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Also, don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Just search the iTunes store for Kill

Tony and hit subscribe, rate and review the show, please. Or if you just like everything we do at Death Squad, you could just always subscribe just to Death Squad and get all the shows, including what Brian Redband do, Kill Tony, Verbal Violence, and all of them. So check that out. Don't forget to go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates to see all the live shows we do.

Not only do we record Kill Tony every Monday at at the comedy store and it's a free show uh we do verbal violence which is the roast battle every tuesday and then the first and third friday of every month we're at the ice house for the death squad comedy show at the ice house uh also just announced death squad austin me and george p Perez and a couple other people are coming there March 12th and 13th to the Spider House Lounge. And Death Squad San Jose, Kate Quigley, Frank from Verbal Violence, George Perez, me. It's going to be a huge party. It's the Death Squad Dirty Show at the San Jose Improv March 18th and 19th. You can always go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates for everything. Also, if you're looking for a Death Squad shirt, there's a couple left in stock of the

new Itchy HD. So check it out. Go to ShopSquad.tv for all the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Fuck yeah! It's Mr. Redbeck coming to you live from the world's favorite comedy store

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 3. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Hello, everybody. Wow, the electricity in this room is so powerful that when I walked in, I just blew one of the fucking light bulbs out. Give it up for that. That's how much power I have now. It's unbelievable. The dark side really is much more fun than being a Jedi. Thank you. Good to be here.

Hello. Happy Monday to you. You guys ready for the craziest show in the world or what, you motherfuckers? Here with the great Brian Redband, everybody. Hi, guys. We got Jamie Vernon on the HD back there. Fuck yeah. The one, the only.

House artist, Ryan J. Ebel, with a blank sheet of paper in front of him. He draws every single episode. His prints are available at ryanjebel.com. And guys, the band, Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins. It's Reagan and Watkins, everybody. Pat Reagan, the band leader. We love this. Pat, you used to be a one-man band.

Now it seems like Jeremiah's in the fold. You've brought on more power behind you. You got that sax. Yeah, I picked up a secret weapon, Jeremiah Watkins. Wow, look at that. I like how you moved the mic away after that. You will possibly never have anything better to say than that for the rest of the night. You really moved that mic far away from your mouth. As good as it gets. Wow, okay, there there it goes guys uh welcome to the show here we are um the number one live ranked number one live podcast in the world you guys have made it here uh right no big deal no no big deal we did that we did that no big deal uh always fun this is you know we're having tons of fun and And we are here. Seattle date's

canceled. We've got to tell you that right off the bat. If you heard about Seattle, we're moving that to a different place, different venue, different date. So stay tuned for that. We have a lot of fun things coming up. Vancouver. Yeah, 420. We've been going to Vancouver every year for 420. So we're returning this year again to Vancouver.

Yes. It's going to be unbelievable. And also I'm doing Cap City in Austin and some other fun dates in Chicago, traveling the country doing stand-up. Check that out. And my Netflix special, One Shot. Hello. And I also made shirts that aren't selling at all

for my special with the Crown Royal Ball. It's not that cool, I guess. People have told me they don't like the shirts, so fuck it. You think you have a good idea sometimes, and people are like, that's a pretty ugly shirt, dude. It's like, fuck, all right, guess I made an ugly shirt. Hey, sometimes. I only have to sell 25 to make my money back, guys.

So limited edition, we'll call them. I'm surprised the alcoholics haven't grabbed them. You know, like, does PDC have one? No, no. I don't give them away for free either. I'm one of those guys that's like, yeah, I don't think any of my friends are going to sell my merch by wearing it. Boone had one of my shirts the other day.

It's like I gave a shirt to somebody and then they gave it to Boone and then Boone sold it back to somebody else. That's how it works. That's the comedy store way. I'm so happy you're all here. We're going to have a blast tonight. This is a show where comedians watch comedians do comedy,

and then we talk to them about comedy or anything in the world. For this show, we always have two of the funniest guests in the world, always, and this week is no different. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together. It's Al Madrigal and Jessica Michelle Singleton, everybody. Boom.

Come on in, guys. This is awesome. Is this on? Hi. How are you? Hey, Brian. Hi, everybody. Hi.

Thanks for having me. Jessica Michelle Singleton, first time ever on Kill Tony. She has the number one album in comedy right now on iTunes. Number one. Yay! I'm number one. And we're going to try to keep you there. Welcome to the show.

This is awesome. Judging comedians I've never seen or heard of before with a comedian I've never seen or heard of before. The great Al Madrigal. Kill Tony, super regular. No, we know. This is truly an honor.

Daily show, so many great specials. Al, you're one of our favorites. Welcome back. My wife, when I left the house, said, be nice. And I've already fucked that up. And so I really am going to try to be nice to everybody. Al, you have one of the great running storylines of guests on this show because you were one of the ones that was extremely nice your first time on,

and then you came back saying, you know what? I think I was a little bit too nice, and you got notoriously mean, a fan favorite of many of the Kill Tony listeners immediately. Actually, after that, I got a couple which, by the way, since I turned not since then, but I've turned I took Twitter off my phone. I fucking hate it. But people did tweet at me saying how mean I was.

And I'll let you guys decide if you want honest answers or you want me to just fucking be nice to you. So we'll let you guys pick. This is also your first or do you want me to just fucking be nice to you? We'll let you guys pick. This is also your first time being on the show since the addition of a saxophone player.

What are your thoughts about that? That's when you blow in the sax, Jeremiah. There you go. I still don't know why you guys are here. I really don't. We're going to have a trombone player with us next week. The horse of truth has already made its way into tonight's show. You'll hear that horse anytime something super honest has been said.

You guys ready to get the show started or what? We have initiated contact with our guests. This is the part where I explain for maybe the two or three people that are new here tonight that haven't seen the show before. We talk to comedians after they do 60 seconds of stand-up comedy by getting pulled out of this bucket. They signed up earlier. They're in the very, very backs and fire exits of the room, huddled on top of one another, hoping to get pulled out of this bucket. If they do, they perform 60 seconds.

Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, that means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Jesus. There you go. Now, I've said this every single time I've come here. I don't know why you'd ever subject yourself to this. I agree.

I think it's a huge fucking mistake. But let's see how this road goes. Every single episode is always a blast. And we're going to do it again. Because anything can happen. That's what's beautiful. Sometimes we find some of the new best comedic talent

that just moved here. And sometimes it's the complete opposite. And no matter what, after 60 seconds, we're all going to get through it. You ready for your first comedian tonight, everybody? Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah.

Lap track. That's where we sweeten up the audio a little bit. Okay. We've seen her on the show before. She's back again. Put your hands together for Courtney Banks, everybody. Yeah. So crazy. hands together for Courtney Banks everybody. Thanks.

I'm going to talk to you guys about something really serious. Because comics gossip a lot, just so you guys know. But I just want to get this in the air. I'm black, so you guys know. I know it's very difficult, probably because I have a perfect nose. You can take a look at it right here, actually. Thanks. I actually had a white woman ask me if I had plastic surgery.

And I was like, no. Actually, somebody was probably raped at some point in my family. Not me, or, like, my mother or my grandmother, but probably, like, her mother or her grandmother, you know what I'm saying? Just, and if you're white, you don't have to feel bad. Like, you right there, it's fine. It's, like, not your father or your grandfather, but probably, like, his father or his grandfather.

And it's, like, a hard ER that I'm putting on that because only we can do that. It's our thing. But don't feel bad because thank you for the nose. You know what I'm saying? I really appreciate that. I'm going to stop there. That's exactly a minute. Courtney Banks. Happy President's Day.

Jefferson. Do you want to go first? No. Hi, Courtney. Hey. How was that compared to the other times you've been on the show? You've been on, what, two or three times? Once.

Once. Once before. Once. I don't know. He looks like he hates me. This is going to be terrible. I look like I hate everybody. Don't worry about it.

I thought it was fun. How long have you been doing it? Like seven months. Oh, wow. Yeah, you can't doing it? Like seven months. Oh, wow. Yeah, you can't expect it to be that great, right? No. I'll take that. I'll take that.

Oh, there it is, the horse of truth. No, no. I mean, seven months, you're still figuring out. Like the first three years, I don't think it's like, I was horrible. And yeah, it's just, it's tough. And how's it been going? Has everybody been nice? Yeah, nice enough, whatever. Yeah, and how's it been going? Has everybody been nice? Yeah, nice enough, whatever.

Yeah, and where are you getting spots? I go as many places as I can. You do it how many times a week, do you think? Probably, like, seven, eight. That's great. See, you can't try as hard, like, putting in the effort. Because when I was here before, people weren't really trying. There were a lot of dabblers.

And I fucking hate, right? Remember all the fucking dabbl really trying there were a lot of dabblers and I fucking hate you right remember all the fucking dabblers and commercial actors trying to but you clearly want this right yeah and great what do you I mean do you have any questions well I mean I do about that premise because it's like

I mean it's right out of if you want me to be honest it's right out of if you want me to be honest it's right out of fucking Judy Carter book like hey this is how I look let me draw a ten like I know I look like such and such

I'm half this and half this that means I love you you know so yeah I don't know I just don't want to like

talk about anything too like oh my girl it's also a fucking minute I mean how much are you going to get into so but I you know a lot of comedians talk about what too like I'm a girl it's also a fucking minute I mean how much are you going to get into so but I you know a lot of comedians talk about what I look like I look like

this I look like that and maybe it's I don't know you can get into something else but yeah I always like talking about what is very true to me that no one else can fucking do so you got sort of that what do you do for work Courtney I don't have a job.

Oh, great. Oh, you say that with so much pride. I do. I was a waitress and I hated it. Oh, I like how you still dress like one.

You could take the waitress. All right. Where were you a waitress at? Cabo Cantina in Hollywood. Holy shitllywood yeah i wanted to fucking kill myself oh wait wow that's incredible what was like some terrible shit you had to deal with that's one of those places where you guys give away like free multi-colored you have to sell like mega margaritas and shit and i just wanted like i would just like cry and chain smoke every day so do you know?

I was going to ask if you knew how to play it, but you do know how to play that saxophone. OK. Yeah. All right. Maybe we'll hear some later. So, yeah, I guess this is going okay. Yeah, this is fun. This is me being super nice.

No, yeah, you're definitely being nice on this one. I like that. That was definitely your best set on Kill Tony. Have I done one other one? Yeah. How was the other one? I remember the last one wasn't structured at all. It was kind of confusing or something.

I messed up a word, and I was so nervous. This one at least, I kind of saw where you're going at. Just keep on going. Jessica, how long have you been on stand-up? Six years. Six years. What advice do you have for seven months? I would probably just tack on that.

And it's going to sound insulting, but I didn't hear the first one. But you definitely do have a premise there. That's a good premise. But I do think he's right about drawing attention to the way you look I didn't hear the first one. But you definitely do have a premise there. That's a good premise. But I do think he's right about drawing attention to the way you look. I think especially women do that. And you run into this weird line that women always walk where it's like, oh, if you're not hideous and you bring up your appearance, you might lose people in the audience.

That's true. I think that if you're going to make fun of your not black nose, then you should make fun of your super black hair or something like that. You know what I mean? Acknowledge it. Make fun of yourself. I only had a minute. Yeah, also in the best way, it would have to be like a really,

like in the nicest way, you'd have to have a really perfect nose. I mean, I really do like perfect nose. That's not standing out. So if you're going to make fun of something, especially, I mean, I know this isn't an opener, but you come out and you acknowledge something, I think it has to be something that people are going, what? What's happening?

Does that make sense? And then after everything you say, you've got to say, but what the fuck do I know? I've only been doing it six years. Exactly. That's actually everything I say. Courtney, anything crazy happening in the past month that you've noticed is different than the beginning? You making friends? Any drama?

Drama? I just remember a roast battle that you had that I was at this roast battle a few weeks ago and you were battling. Yeah, I feel like you should have, I don't know, it was an interesting roast battle. Now you're talking all of a sudden. Yes, it was

a good roast battle. Yeah, Lindsay Jennings was a great opponent and it was fun. Are you talking about we kissed afterwards? Is that what you want me to say? No, I don't want you to say anything. Because I heard you talked about that on a podcast. What? I heard you talked about that on a podcast.

Wow, what was that? Oh, yeah. I am confused as fuck. Are you guys confused as fuck? What's going on? Is this too inside baseball? She's going inside joke about it. But I did on the Legion of Skanks podcast, which was so much fun when I was in New York City.

They brought up roast battle. And they talked about, has anybody tried to fight? And I go, the one I went to last week, the two chicks that were almost against each other ended up making out at the end of the entire thing. Yeah, you know, rage and love are next door to each other. All right, crazy. Push that mic away from your face, please. Courtney, it was nice meeting you.

There you go, Courtney Banks, everybody. Do we normally spend this long? Baby, baby. That was good. We'll push it real good. Oh, I like that. Look at that. They're putting their heads together again.

I've always been hard on the musical guests or whatever this fucking is, and that was pretty good. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like a newer name. Put your hands together for Daniel Boucher, everyone. Hi, everybody. How's everyone doing?

Wow, look at this crowd. You know, I've been single for two years now. Divorced, actually, for two years now. And I still feel single. And years now, divorced, actually, for two years now, and I still feel single. And I was leaving the house today, and I said bye to my ex-wife and the kids. And, you know, I'm just, you know, I'm still trying to work it out. I'm still trying to work it out. I feel, you know, I've been trying the dating.

I'm 40 years old. I have no idea how to date anymore. So I've been trying the online stuff, and I'm old. I have no idea how to date anymore. So I've been trying the online stuff and I'm doing OkCupid. It's for the older people. And they ask you questions. You have to fill out your sexuality and heteroflexible, bisexual, all this stuff. I love pussy. I love, I totally, I do. I do. I love women. Total empowerment. Love women. I love pussy I love I totally I do I do I love women total empowerment my grandma

love women and anyway you know I yeah you know it's I do

but I'll tell you this fantasy I've had lately is thank you very much that West Hollywood bear comes out of nowhere man

you learn quick what is the I feel like they're all applauding the bear Thank you very much! That West Hollywood bear comes out of nowhere, man. You learn quick. What is the... I feel like they're all applauding the bear. Yeah, they are. The bear did great. What is the name of the cook that gets up? El Docho. El Docho, yeah.

I love pussy! I love that. You guys have the same... That was fucking horrible. Thank you. From Horse and Chicks. Third Horse and Chicks.

Fourth. Wow. You know what was terrible about it is how much you cared. Like when you ran to stage and I looked at Tony and I was like, oh, I fucking hate him already.

I really did. But you're trying too hard and you probably should have started with right away and got into it. Do you have an ending to that? Is there anything to it? Yes, yes, I do.

What is it? Do you want to do it? Go for it. Holy shit. It was very Woody Allen. I felt like I was listening to Woody Allen talk. Woody Allen's funny.

Yeah, without the funny part. Yeah, yeah. Just like, yeah, the complaining part. Here's, yeah, complaining part. What are you going to say? What is the end of it? I love pussy. The end of it was

that there's this thing, you know, I am you know, women think I'm a creep. Yes. Also very Woody Alan. Yes, or they're really into me Or there's no in between Right and so for me

But I love I don't want that to be gross but I love to give oral More than I like to receive it Okay you have the energy of a serial killer Here's what I think GQ Who just Mumbles and stumbles What I'm trying to say is i love to give oral

your but that's sort of funny but everyone who's ever gone down on me yeah but that's really funny i mean maybe if you did uh just mumble through the whole thing and then like end up and i guess what i'm saying is i love oral and i love pussy. It could be funny, I guess. But just not the way you did it. What's really happening? Are you really divorced? Yes. And what happened?

You're 40 also? I am. Really? Lord help me. And then how long have you been trying this? This is the first night. Tonight. Wow.

Look at that. There you go. That makes sense If you were going to tell me that you were a 10 year vet I was going to be very disappointed I don't know what that sound is So hard to get up This is not the situation

Where I think I got baked And I went up I was in San Francisco when I went up the first time and I smoked pot walked out it was fucking horrible it went so horribly wrong

but to do it on a podcast where it's just out there forever yeah can I give you a note I think

you're like sort of a good looking guy or you dress good looking so people have the illusion that you're good looking and here's the thing is that I think that when you're when people perceive you as good looking you have the illusion that you're good looking uh and here's the thing is that i think that uh when you're when people perceive you as good looking you have the luxury in normal life

of people pretending that what you're saying is interesting uh and i mean that as a serious note that like you have to have jokes like people like at a bar a girl will be like he's funny like maybe he's rich like i don't know but like when you get on stage is That's exactly it. Is that why you started doing this? The girls tell you that you're funny? Has anyone told you that you're funny? His ex-wife. Yeah, on occasion, yes. Yeah, no, that's how it starts.

You make your friends laugh, and then the five different levels of funny where you're making your friends laugh, and then you make other people laugh, and then hopefully you'll get to the second part but it's tough Daniel what do you do for work? You're dressed like you're your own agent He probably is

He looks like a tailor for a magician Think about it Men's Warehouse If he was a tailor for a magician, he'd have something up his sleeve. He had nothing tonight. He's got rooties up his sleeve.

What do you do? I work in solar. Renewable energy. Of course. A solar man. Do you sell it? Or are you an engineer? No, no.

I just handle the engineering. What do you do exactly? Always funny. Engineers are always funny. That explains a lot. Historically. No, no, no. High school graduate.

High school graduate. Yes, exactly. You graduated from high school. That's good. Almost. Thank you. Good. How long have you been divorced?

I think it's just over two years. Good. How long have you been divorced? I think it's just over two years. And why? You have to ask? Why we weren't meant for each other. Definitely not because we love getting oral. No, that part still works out. That's the only part of our marriage that still works. That held

you together. Tony. Yes. I actually didn't hear that he said that he was divorced, so I just thought you were assuming he was divorced by the way he looks. So how long have you been divorced? Alright, I'd like to keep moving faster. Good luck. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Congratulations, Daniel Boucher. Boucher. Let's get some more people up here. Let's put up some serious numbers. I like that. Let's keep moving. Put your hands together for Avery McKinney, everyone. Here we go. Alright.

No Avery McKinney, so I'm going to pull another name out of the bucket. Is that really him? Are you going to do it? It's not him. Is he coming? Bam! Is that Avery McKinney or not?

No. I pulled another name out of the bucket. The name is Justin Freshman. Valentine's Day killed me financially. I had to get my girlfriend a dozen roses. She normally charges $200. I stink, don't worry, I stink. We have to beat last year.

We have a three year anniversary. We have a three-year anniversary. I have the police report to prove it. We went to a Black Lives Matter protest. She wanted to take pictures, and I wanted to get my wallet back. You have 20 more seconds if you want to do anything else. One more stinker. Okay. I got into reselling Air Jordans.

It's pretty good. I'm heavily in the Puerto Rican stock market. I lost my job recently, and I'd rather get the Zika virus than work on my resume. That's it. Fuck yeah, Justin Freshman. What's your story, Justin? You're pretty new too, right? Yeah, pretty new.

How new are you? Well, I lost my job on Martin Luther King Day so I got the balls to go up. What job was that? Like a warehouse job in West Covina. Or you were in a warehouse. in West Covina. Wow. In a warehouse.

It's a racist warehouse. Men's warehouse. Yeah. A warehouse for racists. Just reselling Jordans. Just general labor stuff. When's Martin Luther King Day? How old are you? Wait, we're 26. Did you get fired on Martin Luther King Day because you're racist? No. It seems like it.

Did you come in wearing a cape and a hood? I actually fired on Martin Luther King Day because you're racist? No. It seems like it. Did you come in wearing a cape and a hood? I actually overslept. Did you try that material there? No. How many times were you late before you showed up late on Martin Luther King Day? Well, it was general labor, so I thought we had the holiday,

but that was like my sixth absence. So our dreams were a little different. Yeah. I don't know. but that was like my sixth absence so our dreams were a little different yeah that was sad that was a sad ending when you're having normal conversations don't make jokes like that and just like have a straight conversation because it drives me fucking crazy I hate doing crowd work and then having the audience

members just trying to fucking be funny it makes me nuts. I love this look that you have by the way. I feel like this is what the last guy dresses like when he's getting rid of the bodies in the woods. Or in the warehouse. Looks like a sniper for hire.

Have you ever sniped before? What's your story? What are you into? What are your hobbies? I came out here on a comedy vacation from New Mexico, so I got a sketchy... Comedy vacation? The joke was that you wanted to make it in show business? Whoa, Jesus, Pat.

Oh, God. Is Al Magical throwing his voice over here? What's going on? So, you came out here from New Mexico. That was where your job was, New Mexico? Yeah. How out here from New Mexico. That was where your job was, New Mexico? Yeah. How old are you?

26. Okay. And you always wanted to do stand-up? Well, I saw it at the comedy store, and then I got a job in West Covina. And then when that ended, I finally got some balls. And I'm not racist. I'm just dumb. Those were half-written jokes.

That's one of the main parts of being racist. I feel like you are. Pretty sure you're racist. That's darn right. What's your craziest interaction you've ever had with someone of a different race? Selling Jordans to them. I can't even hold my face up and ask that question. You really do resell

Jordans? I did one time and I thought it was a little funny so I wrote something for that. Forgot half of it. I gotta go. I gotta show at the Grand Wizard's house. I see what you did there. You went for it. Trying to bomb. Your jokes actually were pretty decent, man, for such a small period of time on stage. I actually enjoyed it, especially the first one with the roses. That's only going to get all the sickos in the audience.

Yeah, of course, Red Band. Red Band cracks up, and I'm like, of course, Red Band's on Craigslist looking for hookers. He's like, I get it. It's great. But it's great if that's your target audience, which it sounds like it might be.

Is your last name really Freshman? Yeah, that's my real name. Wow. How does that happen? See, a woman and a man come from a long line of Freshman. Yeah, Southwest relocation. I don't know. And how long have you been doing it?

This is my fifth time on stage. I just go up at the Ha Ha. That's awesome. Don't feel bad. You're fine. I hate the Ha Ha. I just went recently. I'm just too tired to fucking deal with people talking the entire time.

It looks like a Mexican restaurant turned into a strip club and then turned into a comedy club. The new one? Have you been to the new one? Yeah. With all the different colored lights, though, it was like it could have been a good room and they're like, you know what we need? More different colored lights. For those of you podcast listeners that are loving

this ha-ha conversation right now. I prefer the Har Har Bistro. See what you did there? Working three for seven tonight from Pat Reagan. For those of you keeping up on your Kill Tony bingo cards, he's three for seven tonight.

Fifth time on stage, not so bad, right? Totally, totally, yeah. See you later, Justin. Justin, there you go. I love it. He's already dressing like Dave Attell. He's unstoppable. One person knows what Dave Attell dresses like. Dave Attell? Yeah.

He's beautiful. Hoodie and a ball cap. What's the record for... How many have you gone through? I think we're on pace to set a nice record. Let's go, let's go, let's go. Yeah, let's bang them out. This person's been on the show quite many times.

She's one of the people that were here from the very beginning. Put your hands together for Sarah Kenny, everybody. They always do a new minute. What? Yeah, yeah, always a new minute. All right. You guys ever sneeze? How hard do you get your period?

You know, every time adults see a little kid they haven't seen in a while, they always say the same thing. They're like, oh, my God, you're getting so big. You know, kids get tired of a little kid they haven't seen in a while, they always say the same thing. They're like, oh my God, you're getting so big. You know, kids get tired of hearing the same thing over and over. That's why when I see my little niece and nephew, I kind of mess with them a little bit. I'm like, oh my God, are you getting smaller? That's not right, I don't think.

So there's this food activist, and the way that she became famous was like she would petition these companies to remove harmful additives from their food. But it's kind of silly, because the companies she picks are like Krispy Kreme. And you know, if you're worried about toxins in your Krispy Kreme, it's like worrying if your heroin is organic. And what's even left when you take all the additives out of a Krispy Kreme. It's like dust in your hand. So did you know that keeping the exterior of your car clean all the time will have no effect on your life

whatsoever? Sarah Kenny. Sarah Kenny. Sarah, you've been on the show a bunch of times. How long have you been on stand-up now? Three years now. Three years, and you still don't know to talk into the microphone. I love that.

Still behind you. You can grab that at any point, Sarah. How long have you been wrangling cables? I don't know if you think we have a boom operator in here. I didn't sleep much last night. I'm on low energy. Why is that? Well, I have some family in town,

and actually they were going to be here tonight, but they got even drunker than me last night, so they're just at home recovering. Where did you guys all drink at? They rented a house up in Hollywood Hills. Where are they visiting from? Chicago. How much family? My brother, sister-in-law, and

then there were two little kids. Oh, wow. You still came out to do this when they're all here. I did. Well, they're just... No, that's impressive. I'm impressed by that. That's totally dedication. I'm into it. And then, yeah, you seem like every single comedian I started with in San Francisco. And no, that's a fine thing to say. You really did.

I can name 12 comics that you remind me of. And yeah, it's not a bad thing. I see that San Francisco thing. She also rides her bike here. So it's not a bad thing so i see that san francisco thing she's like she also rides her bike here so that that's another san francisco thing it's true cool and then uh you've always wanted to do this you've always wanted to do this or how did this happen why are you here i did i wanted to do it for a long i tried improv like years ago and i i kind of liked it but it wasn't quite a good fit and then I liked this because I had more control over

it you know it's all I read it all what did I say to you Jeremiah when you asked me to do your show up here oh you're like no that sounds stupid what does your show describe it to everybody where the audience throws out suggestions yeah it's called stand up on the spot

you create material based on audience suggestions. It's improv. So Al was like, he goes, no, people suggesting what I talk about, that sounds horrible. I hate the fucking audience. You guys are great. But I really do.

I hate giving the crowd any power at all. So yeah, fuck improv. It's horrible. No, and I don't even do crowd work at all either. I try once in a while because I feel like I should be able to. If they insist on it, then you have to. Yeah, if they come for you, you'll have to respond, but you don't need to be like

here comes my crowd work part. Sarah, what do you do for work? I'm a programmer. What did I say? Every fucking comic I started with in San Francisco. Same fucking thing. That's right. It really is true.

So everyone's like a fucking programmer. And you do that and it's going well? Yeah. Yeah. It's good. I like it. What's the most fun thing that you've programmed? Well, I used to work in neuroscience a lot.

So there was people who do brain imaging. I basically just took this... Ah, you're confusing the band. It was basically just an analysis that had taken forever to run and I was able to split it up in a bunch of machines and actually get it to finish. That's great. Also, can I just point out

That was awesome. Whatever the fuck that was is my new favorite thing. Please, anytime you ever want to. Wow. Reagan and Watkins. Okay. I like that. Alright. Now Okay I like that Alright

Now that I know That you guys Will plug yourselves Every time I compliment you I'll just never do that again I mean but again For three years Seven months

Was it seven months Or five sets You did five sets Five sets It's about right Maybe you're a little Ahead of things And for three years You're about in the place you should be.

Yeah, you're doing great. Also, just the difference it made, like you moving the microphone, because everyone else has had this uncomfortable, I've never done this, like that just, I don't, to me, that was. What did you drink last? And does everyone notice how she looks clean? That's important. To be fair, I've been very unclean several times on this show.

Try not to look like a fucking mess. What was your drink of choice last night? Last question. I'm a wine girl. But it's like wine all night. Red wine? Yeah. Well, actually, I mixed it up last night.

Red and white. Whoa. Mixing it. Yikes. Great. Sarah, there you go. Sarah Kenny. S. Kenny Comedy on Twitter. One of. Sarah, there you go. Sarah Kennedy. That was great. Thanks.

S. Kennedy Comedy on Twitter. One of the few comedians that has a Twitter handle. Very few promoting anything, yeah. I like how she went out of tune a little bit there at the end. She really left the microphone. It was on point. It was totally on point. Perfect.

Totally did. Perfect. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like a newer name. Put your hands together for Terrence Rutledge, everyone. I come from a very Christian family. My family's like the Bible. My dad is like Jesus Christ. I've waited my whole life for him to come back.

My uncle's like Satan. He's always trying to get inside me. That rascal. My mom lied to me. She told me I could be anything I wanted to be. I'm 22 years in and I'm still not white. But I feel white because I haven't done a lot of very black guy things. The only black guy thing I ever did was fuck a fat white girl. Wow, look at that.

I'm heading off in 53 seconds. I'll take it. You've been on this show once before. It was a long time ago, right? About 8, 9, ten months ago? Something like that. Four months ago. Four months ago.

How long have you been on stand-up? Every night for a year. Every night for a year. I'm going to tell you something right now. You're 22. You are un-fucking-stoppable. There's nothing that can stop you. You're going to be a fucking monster.

Every night for a year. You're 22 right now. You clearly already get it. What a rascal. Didn't get the laugh that it should have. As a tag to your uncle trying to fuck you. Might be one of my favorite tags I've ever heard in my entire life of watching

anybody. My uncle's trying to fuck me. What a rascal. I think, listen to what just happened. Every night for a fucking year, pay attention. Every night for a year. And then 22 helps. That's fantastic.

Clearly likable. And the jokes are great. He's trying. What more can you ask for? So doing it. And congratulations. You're doing great. I love the smile on your face.

You look like your uncle has his dick inside of you right now. The other thing is you're so likable you can say horrible shit. You look like a group leader at a Christian comedy and you can say horrible shit and everyone will still like you. So you can tell people to fuck off.

You can do anything you want. And I love the style though. That you go dark and creepy but then there's like this oh gee willikers. That really works together. What a rascal.

Fucking. Good job. With that type of rhythm and mixing that weird, nice guy, humble goofiness with your darkness, I think that's an unbelievable cocktail. The smile on your face right now is frightening.

I really thought that we were through some of the scariest people we'd have on already tonight. But even the people that are killing are a little bit creepy tonight. Well, and you're always that. I've met you before, and you're always really super. The nicest guy in the room. The nicest guy in the room, absolutely.

And I think that even just a little bit more time getting up, you're going to be able to be more comfortable being who you are offstage, onstage. And having that smile and happiness is going to make those jokes hit a hundred times harder. And you stay positive and smiley and nice. I was wondering if Red Band knew you from around here, from hanging or whatever. But to even hear him say it, me say it, and her say it, and him say it. I lived it with Gerard Carmichael. Him and I started together.

That's the exact type of formula that he had, was being nice, smiling, being positive. Nobody in the world can say anything bad about Gerard Carmichael because he's built a stellar, squeaky clean reputation. And I feel like you're the type of guy that can pull that shit off. All right, great job. That was great. There he goes, Terrence Rutledge.

He's on Twitter at ComedyTerrence. I suggest follow him now. That's the type of fun mishmash that this show can be. A couple new timers, then a guy slaying it a year in. I love him. I know, right? He's great. I pulled another name out of the bucket. We're setting the record for most people

ever up in a Kill Tony tonight. We are on pace right now. Put your hands together for Cody Woods, everybody. Come on. Cody Woods. Cody Woods, in the back. Deep back left. I've been trying to eat healthy lately. I went into a Whole Foods. I just realized how impossible it is

to eat healthy when you're poor. I went to go buy bananas at Whole Foods. They're like the NFL wives of fruit. Swear to God, you have to have a shitload of money to get them, and then within two weeks, they're all bruised up. They're impossible. I'm trying to get healthy. You notice shit on the food, too. It says a lot of asterisks on food now,

especially the poor people food. It says, no GMOs asterisk. How the fuck do you get away with asterisk when it comes to people's health? You know, you can't be on eHarmony or Tinder and you see the profiles like, no STDs, asterisk. You going to fuck them? No, you're not. Am I at a minute? No.

I've never done a minute before. Sorry. I was going to insert a small penis joke here, but I'm not sure if you guys are going to feel it. Is that it? Is that it? I don't know. I don't know. I've never done a minute.

This is weird. I don't know. I don't want to do small dick jokes. I don't want to offend any cops. So I'm just kidding about that. We all know they have small dicks. They try to kill the guys with the big ones. So.

Whoa. What is up with this fucking light, Josh? I mean, we have a light out. You want to fix it? No, not right now. No, it's fine. Hey, your first joke, you make a joke about how expensive bananas are, but I think bananas are probably the cheapest thing you could possibly buy in a grocery store.

You underestimate how poor I am, Brian. And they do get bruised, but who keeps bananas around for a couple weeks? I mean, that's your own fault. What a creep. I think one banana is usually $1 at a gas station, and that's overpriced by $30,000. Brian gets those gas station bananas. Our senior health food correspondent, Brian Redman. He's the best.

I get my bananas at the gas station like everybody else. So I'm buying a banana at a gas station. I'll take it. How long have you been doing it? Almost ten. Oh, yeah.

I was trying to be nice. I quit. So too long to be fucking doing this and doing... So, why hasn't it worked out? Oh, I just moved to LA. And where are you from? San Francisco. Oh, really?

You did it for 10 years in San Fran. You did it for eight. He started with you, Al. You left him behind. Where does Molly put you? Not Molly. Humon. Maybe she would. Tommy Tease. He didn't chew gum on. You left him behind. Where does Molly put you? Not Molly. Humon. Maybe she would if he didn't chew gum on stage.

Molly, you're not a punchline person. No. No, I tried. Couldn't you tell in his 60 seconds he's not a punchline person? You sort of got to, like, I'm a big, I hate starting out in L.A. It's tough. But obviously a lot of people have done it very successfully. It's much more difficult.

But you start out in these other cities, like a AAA baseball analogy sort of works, and you can start out in San Francisco, but you have to make it through the gatekeepers, and you didn't make it through one of the main gatekeepers, Molly Schmink, who books cops in the punchline, and She books the features and the openers. You didn't work at either club. You worked at the shit club in the East Bay. The improv. In Sacramento.

San Jose? Yeah. That's fucking horrible. Somebody just got shot and killed last weekend out in front of the fucking place. I'll be there in March. Seriously, front of the fucking place. I'll be there in March. Seriously, one of the most dangerous clubs

you've ever walked into. It's just horrible. So, anyway. You know, what are you going to do? I don't know. You're too far in to turn back at this point? Yeah. You started panicking 30 seconds in, asking if that was a minute. She said that you've never done a minute before, I don't know. Cody, it seemed like you... You're too far in to turn back at this point? Yeah. Yeah.

You started panicking 30 seconds in, asking if that was a minute. She said that you've never done a minute before, but you realized that every set you've ever had was at least a minute, right? Never ended on a minute, I guess. Yeah. No, I'm telling you, it's challenging. Like, in a minute... When you go from, like, long sets, that makes sense.

I guess, yeah. You're doing really long sets? What's the longest set you've ever done? Usually 15. Hour 20? Wow. Hour 20. Wow, hour 20. Why? Do you do road?

I do shitty road shit. Modesto, Tribble Runs, Beaverville. When you did an hour 20 minute long set, 30 minutes into your set, were you like, is that an hour 20 yet? I did it 30 seconds in. Is that an hour 20 yet? Is that an hour 20? How about now? Is that an hour 20 yet? I did it 30 seconds in. Is that an hour 20 yet?

How about now? What do you do for work? How do you make money? I just got a job as a telemarketer. Oh, really? What are you selling on the phone? Car warranties. Any specific kind of car? Oh, I hate you.

Any type of car, as long as they're old and senile, we'll take advantage of them. Listen, I've got to make money. I hate you. Any type of car, as long as they're old and senile, we'll take advantage of them. Listen, I've got to make money. I'm sorry. Dallas, you're in a tough spot. Yeah. So we'll spend a lot of time in San Francisco. Just one tear.

Hey, I hope everyone's looking at this because this could be you. And it's a difficult place to be. If you want to talk to me afterwards about how this ends up, I'd be happy to. How does it end up, Al? Well, a couple things happen. You stay on the road forever and you just become one of these guys that just fades. Like a feature act and complaining about the business and how you didn't get a fair shake or you start writing your ass off. I've seen plenty

of fucking bad comics turn into comedy writers or you start to transition into something else like maybe copywriting working for an advertising firm. You could do that. There's plenty of ways out but You chew gum a lot on stage, Cody?

No, it's my first time. It's your first time in 10 years chewing gum on stage. And you chose to do it on a live podcast. He got a save call. I don't know. He just threw it under his seat. I didn't think I'd go back. Cody, this is the reason why things haven't been going well.

Oh, man, he just did it. See, he doesn't give up, and I appreciate that. Cody, I like your style. But you can be determined to make this work. There's two books that I really highly recommend to every single person sitting in the room, no matter what you do. The War of Art by Steven Pressfield

and Comic Insights by Franklin Ajay. If you're a comedian, get both of those things. War of Art is fantastic. You should pick that up. There's another thing called, he wrote another book called Do the Work, and you can turn this around. You can do whatever you want,

but don't be determined. Don't make it your self-fulfilling prophecy to be just like this fucking road guy that's doing Modesto and San Jose improv and shit like that. You've got to break out of that. So you've just got to be focused on making this work.

Because right now you're in a rut. I would have sat at that punchline every single night until I made that work. Don't settle for the fucking mediocrity that can't exist in this business and try to do something great. The good news is, Cody, you're one of the funniest school shooters

we've ever had on the show. Yeah, everyone's 100% creepy with the exception of I feel like our last guy who was sincerely nice, the smiley kid. Oh yeah, the smiley kid. I thought he was pretty creepy too. Alright, good luck.

That's what he's going to look like when he fucks you. There he goes, Cody Woods. He's on Twitter at Cody Woods Comedy. There's only one Cody Woods Comedy on Twitter and that's him, believe it or not. Live in the flesh. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like a new one. Henry Johnson.

Henry Johnson. Yeah, Henry! Huh, interesting No Henry Johnson Bam! That's what happens How about Jesse Balalas Balalas

Here comes someone When I was a kid, it was like 60... Man, shut the fuck up, Pat. While I stumble a little bit, I still got time. Like 60 seconds, dog. All right.

That's when I was a fucking kid, right? When I was a kid, we had like 60 kids in a class in our middle school, you know? And this is his teacher. He would try to reveal how he was one of us to try to calm us down. But he would reveal weird things about his psyche when he did so. So he would do this thing.

He said this one thing one time where he was like, I love GTA. You guys like GTA? But if you're such a tough guy, why can't you go into people's houses and murder their families and this one kid raised his hand he's like yeah food like how come like i'm trying to experience some like realism in this shit like i can't go into the ambulances like stab your enemies that was actually me i was like that was me before i turned into a white sellout piece of shit That was actually me. I was like, that was me before I turned into a white sellout piece of shit.

But like, that same guy. It's over. All right, fuck. Jesse Velasquez. What's up, Dougie? How was your Valentine's Day, dude? Jesse Velasquez. What's up?

Yeah, you say it wrong the first time, but sometimes you say it right. This is your second time in two weeks. That's right. You were on last week's episode. You murdered. Yeah. You murdered. Great. It's amazing. It's so good to see you again, Jesse.

Great stuff. You remind me if Jimmy Fallon was actually funny. Yeah, dude. I really like your style. You've continuously been funny. I love how you acknowledge Pat, made it your own, made yourself cozy. Yeah, because he's hella dumb. What?

You're so comfortable. Now, Jesse. Whoa. He like has to stop. Man, I knew I liked this guy. You can tell right away. Confidence. Yeah.

How long you been doing it? I don't know. That's what he said last week, by the way. I tried to get it out of him last week. He refused to answer. It all blends together. Like five years. All right, yeah.

Well, I quit. I quit all the time because I'm like, I hate everybody. Yeah. I'm thinking about quitting myself. Yeah, just keep at it. I mean, how often do you get up? I don't know, like three times a night if I have to. I try to get up as much as I can.

I even took like two shifts off of my job sealants selling drugs and stealing shit so I get it you know go and do some more comedy one how was you guys Valentine how's your Valentine all right nothing it needs to be said he's fine you're fine all right so but like I get can I get a spot on a show or something Would you like to do Ice House Friday Well you guys are going to Seattle right Wait for it Ice House Friday

There you go You get what you want in this fucking town sometimes No seriously Jesse Velasquez Am I saying that right I actually got a tweet about you today from people being happy about last week. You can anytime.

You can open for me anytime you want. Yeah, let's do it. When's the next time I can do it? Say it in front of these people. Say it in front of these people so that you have to do it. When am I going to do it? Tell these people. San Diego, I think I'm booking something. Give them a date.

I'm not fucking around. I'm trying to be famous and shit. This is the kind of person... No, I don't say that lightly. I hate most comics. We'll figure it out. Brian has your information. You can DM me on my Twitter.

He's going to book you, Jesse. He's going to book you, Jesse. He's going to book you. Jesse Velasquez is murdering Kill Tony. Two weeks in a row. He's on Twitter at CuteBBApplePie. CuteBBApplePie is his Twitter handle.

Those are two quality comics. And some more coming. Who else we got? Yeah, pull one. Yay. You got it. Al's hand in the bucket. Isaac Hirsch.

Isaac Hirsch. Here we go. I take the bus a lot. I keep seeing this ad on the bus. It's an ad for an app like Grubhub. It says, you'd use an app to find a date, but not an app to find a sandwich? Explain.

First of all, I don't have to explain myself to you. You're an ad on a bus. I'm a grown man. I don't have to explain myself to anybody but my parents because I live with them. Secondly, it's very simple. I can eat any sandwich I want I can look at a sandwich and be like, yeah, I'll have that sandwich

And then I get to eat that sandwich It's not like there's a very limited number of sandwiches willing to be eaten by me That I have to use the internet to find That's the difference between sandwiches and dating, you guys I've never ordered a sandwich and been like Hey, this cheesesteak knows you live with your parents It's gonna pass Maybe aim a little lower, go for a bologna sandwich.

I've also never ordered a sandwich. It's been like, surprise, this sandwich has kids. Didn't list them on the menu, but now you got to eat the kids. Thunder and lightning. Have you seen him before? Thunder and lightning Have you been on the show before?

Never, first time Look at you, wow Of course you love him, because he's you Absolutely Oh my god Sit down Jesse Jesse's dabbing over there Still celebrating his set

from five minutes ago. He's doing the whip and the nay-nay. Settle down, Jesse. My goodness. Jesse's going to dance himself out of a paid gig. That was great. How long? Four and a half or so. Four and a half years. I just moved here last week. How long? Four and a half or so.

Four and a half years. I just moved here last week. From where? D.C. Oh, D.C. makes great comics. It's a good city. It's on the come up, guys. It's a great city.

I've heard quite a lot about D.C. comics. Allison Jaffe, do you get up there? Here and there. She's tough, though. It's tough to get in there. I shouldn't badmouth them. They're great. It's a great club.

Of course. Hampton Yalta came from there. Oh, yeah. Aparna, I think was there. They're at least a generation before me. Dude, you're definitely one of the funniest seventh grade chess champions that we've had on this show. There's no question about that.

I get Paul from the Wonder Years a lot. That's the one I get. A lot of unfunny hacks you hang around with. Geez, I mean, Wonder Years reference sounds quite topical, you know what I mean? Does anybody ever tell you that you look like the lead singer from the B-52s? Fred Schneider?

Oh, that's great. I'd love to be Fred Schneider. Are you kidding? I bet you would. I'd give up... Fred Schneider. Are you kidding? I bet you would. I'd give up... So, how old are you? I'm 23. Wow. And your parents live here in LA? No, I just

need to update the joke. It was true as of two weeks ago. You just moved here two weeks ago? Yeah. Can you answer in a Fred Schneider voice? Yeah. Love Shaq. I don't do impressions. There's a reason. Yeah, love Shaq. I don't do impressions.

There's a reason. Isaac, so this is your first time, the last couple weeks has been your first time in your life not living with your parents. Yes, that's true. Tell us about it. What's going on? How many parents a day are you jerking off? What's happening? I thought there...

Yeah, I want to know. I thought there'd be more sex. There hasn't been. I don't know. I live in South Central and I didn't know exactly what I was signing up for exactly, but you know, it's an

okay place. You get raped yet? If you go out in the daytime, it's fine. It's a nice neighborhood on the whole. How much do you pay? Do you live by yourself? I live with two other guys. They're cool. Are they gangsters? Please tell me they're gangsters.

One's from Baltimore and I knew him and the other I didn't know at all. Sitcom. Absolutely. Absolutely. Just two humongous black guys. I'm Malcolm. This is X.

What's up, Spangler? Let's do this. Isaac, so what's happening? What do you got? Oh, this is it. It's the Isaac show on NBC. What happens when Isaac moves in with two thugs in South Central? Suck that dick, motherfucker. Suck that dick, bitch.

Suck that dick, bitch. Oh, no. Oh, mister, this is nothing like living with my parents oh my god there's a black dick everywhere there's so much black dick I'm just an innocent little Jewish boy now my life has changed forever

I thought they was in South Central Beverly Hills I really would watch that it would be such a great show let's make it I thought they was in South Central Beverly Hills. Is that in the water? We really would watch that. It would be such a great show. Let's make it. It would be great, yeah. Tony, will you put on his glasses just for a moment?

No, stop it, Jeremiah. You guys do not get to... Stand next to him. You guys are banned people, not producers, okay? You want to pitch your ideas? We do that in between the week. There's no glasses exchange, you animals. Thank you, John.

Come on, Tony! Yeah! Hell yeah! You guys ready for this? Oh, yeah! Next. Next. I love that. Isaac just got his own show, and I got recast as the lead.

That's what this town will do to you, Isaac. Keep it going for Isaac Hirsch everybody Welcome to Los Angeles He's on Twitter at IB Hirsch You saw him here first Isaac Hirsch What a man Fun fucking show we're having tonight

We're blasting through it I like this magical fast approach It's like a Chip Kelly offense coming to San Fran That's what this is like Pulled another name out I like this magical, fast approach. It's like a Chip Kelly offense coming to San Fran. That's what this is like. Pulled another name out. Sean Williams, everybody. Here we fucking go.

Back-to-back dorks. Sean Hirsch. Sean Williamssch Sean Williams I'm trying to get famous I want to make a video about bacteria that goes viral but if that doesn't work I'm investing I invest for my future. I invested in Depends.

But the return was shit. So now I keep things liquid. From Vermont, it's a small town in Vermont. from Vermont it's a small town in Vermont there's a burgeoning street art scene there's a lot of stickers that say fuck yoga everywhere but they confused me for a while

so I'd look at them looking for like a date and a time like fuck yoga where's that it's definitely not here that's it that's it

Sean Williams best advice I ever got right away I think does everybody know Robert Hawkins the comedian Robert Hawkins great great comic

you should find him I think he's got two or three albums Stephen Hawking no Robert Hawkins. Great, great comic. You should find him. I think he's got two or three albums out. Stephen Hawking? No, Robert Hawkins. No. Wrong guy. And he said start with your best joke, end with your second best joke.

So maybe you should think about that. And then never wear shorts again. I second that. I second that. That's good advice for everybody. But he looks like a dad in an Old Navy catalog. If you were doing jokes like that.

The Roastmaster Jeremiah Watkins over there. Savage. That's what happens when nice guys try to be a... Blow it into the sacks next time, Jeremiah. That's a good point, though, because I wanted you to be a dad character when you came up like that. Because I was like, that will at least rationalize the choice.

What was that act out you did after you told the Depends joke and then he cranked the poop around in your diaper? Yeah, that was tight. I like that. Yeah, that was cool. I love how you're looking at me while they're talking. You must be really psyched out. Tony doesn't really moveed out like I think everybody had such high hopes when you walked up on stage yeah cuz you look

funny I mean look funny yeah you clearly this are you know you're one of the comfortable you think he got buried with the dork comments oh yeah I don't think so I think he was already buried I think you know he got you know I'm just saying like I think Isaac Hirsch was a much better young Bernie Sanders than you are. I mean, I do admire

that you're one of the only human beings that gets your haircut at the Oompa Loompa section of the chocolate factory. He doesn't like chocolate. He likes Laffy Taffy.

That's where he gets all his jokes. Whoa, Brian. Oh, Ryan, who is this? I don't know. I don't know. That's where he gets all his jokes. Whoa, Brian. All right, who is this? I don't know. He's our senior health food correspondent, so he knows about candy.

How long? We have to put this in perspective. How long have you been doing this? About four years. Where have you been doing it at? Vermont. Yeah, Vermont. How long have you been out it at? Vermont. Yeah, Vermont. How long have you been out here?

He said it. And Berlin, Germany. Oh, Berlin, Germany. Berlin has a great comedy scene. I don't have anything to follow that up with. You're very funny people in Berlin. I should have went with those jokes. How long have you been out here? Your Berlin jokes?

Four days. Four days. And I will not be staying. What are you good at? Are you still experiencing the thing when you fly and you're tired for days after? Jet lag. Jet lag. Are you still experiencing the jet lag?

What's going on with that? Germans don't have jet lag? No. They're perfect. Sean, you look like you could be a billionaire. What's your story? Why are you doing stand-up comedy? You seem a lot smarter than...

I don't know. I went from dork to billionaire. I'm really confused. Dorks usually become billionaires. It's Bill Gates in the 70s. Thank you. Sean, you look like you could make quite a splash in Silicon Valley. The chairman... What, you guys want me to switch accents?

No, we don't. I'll tough guy this shit. I'll tough guy this shit. What is going on over there, Pat? No, just explain yourself. What do you do? What do I do for a living? Hey, Jeremiah, shut the fuck up.

Yeah, you two are really misbehaving over there. Y'all are bad boys. I'm starting with such nonsense. Oh, my gosh. Oh, I didn't mean to do that. Oh, my gosh. I'm going to go unplug it. This might be my favorite episode of this show of all time.

Yeah, fun dad. Swipe. Swipe, wear shorts, dude. He will do anything to get this crowd to like him right now. Honestly, that's what he should have done for a minute. I'm an entertainer. What are you good at, Sean? Hacky sack.

What do you do for a living? Sean, what are you good at? What's your thing? You look like you'd be good at something. Well, actually, I'm bilingual, so I can also... No, don't. Just answer the question. He meant seeing your joke.

If I wanted to hear somebody bomb with an accent, I'd let Pat keep talking. What's up, Matt? You do not like my German accent that you've heard a thousand times before? I carve stone for a living. Yes. What?

What does that mean? It means I carve things out of stone for a living. Yes. What? You do? What does that mean? It means I carve things out of stone for a living. Yes, yeah. Well, like what kind of things? Not new jokes. Whatever you want. I don't know. Small, big?

Both, yeah. You're a sculptor. Yeah. Could you make a bowl of oatmeal out of stone? Could you make a new band out of stone? Yeah. Whatever you want. How long have you been doing that?

Much longer. Eight years. Eight generations. Do you make a living doing that? I do, yeah. Awesome. Do you have an Instagram that features your stone work? I do, yeah.

Plug that. Do you have an Instagram that features your stonework? I do, yeah. Plug that. I actually want to know the answer to one of Pat Reagan's questions. Can you make a bowl of oatmeal out of stone? He could. Yeah, yeah.

I think you should make us one for this show. A bowl of oatmeal made of stone to make up for what you did here tonight. Are your parents wealthy? No. No. No, no, no, no. So you're really, you sell, how much do you sell a piece for if it's a decent size?

Last piece I sold was for $2,500. It was about the size of a football. It was a baby lamb. How much for a life-size sculpture of Tony? Good question. Does that go against your artistic integrity? No, I would say... I'm already stoned to the gills right now,

so I don't know what you could possibly do with me. I don't know, 90 grand? 90? That's great. I'll take it. And what is the most expensive piece you've ever sold? 40. 40 grand.

What was it? What was it? It was a big bear. It was a giant bear. Was that out of marble? Or like what specific? Granite. I'm from a granite.

A granite. You do a granite. You sold a $40,000 bear made of stone? Was it a granite? Oh, whoa. Where do you get a piece of granite that big? It was from Brazil, actually. It was from Brazil.

I knew it. This is a Brazilian granite. This is the finest granite. Sean, it was very nice. Congratulations on your stonework. Thank you very much. No. Well, no, no.

Well, it's only. Well, not technically. Honestly, I think if you embrace the Vermont of it all, and that's what your set was about, and you maybe started with the fuck yoga, it's not the best fucking joke, but you're in the right area. You could do very well at this. All right.

Keep it up, and congratulations on your success with the stonework. Thank you very much. There he goes. He's on Twitter at Krieger, K-R-I-E-G-R. Very nice, short, simple Twitter handle. What is the Twitter handle? K-R-I-E-G-R, Krieger. Krieger, if you want some Stone Wars.

Also, I want to hear... It's Krieger. Oh, wow, look at that. Set him up, knock him down. The old German duo Once in a while Of Reagan and Watkins Also he should talk About the stone stuff right

If he's gonna write Like write jokes about that I think it's different No Why are you trying to help Hey Because I have a soul Am I the only person

Hearing the stone work Huh You guys wanna hear Some of this new Stone work material I think that's hilarious Have you ever been Chiseling away at a rock and been like,

man, this is nothing like the $40,000 bear that I sold? Honestly, I think it would work with his outfit. Turquoise outfits? Do you have time for one more? Let's go to the bucket after we hit up our two regulars. Every single week we have two regulars that write and perform a brand new minute, and then we're going to go back to the bucket for one more fast one. Or we could save that one.

We'll save that one. Going up first tonight, you know her as a regular here on Kill Tony. She writes and performs a new minute every single week. Sometimes she's extra nervous. Sometimes she apologizes. We're trying to break her of these horrible, horrible habits. So I'm sure they're definitely not going to happen here tonight. Put your hands together for Melissa Esslinger

everybody. So I've been in LA now for about nine and a half parking tickets it's expensive here um speaking of expensive i recently tried cocaine what i thought it was gonna make me like super hyper and creative but it just made me normal like i started adulting for four hours. I started doing my taxes. I bought life insurance, balanced my checkbook. I don't even have a checkbook, so I don't know. But I guess that's the difference between being an adult and a kid is money. Getting a grip on that.

I don't want to grow up, so I guess I shouldn't do cocaine. I don't know. That's not funny. That's just a thing. Alright, cool. There you go. 50 seconds of thunder. New Melissa Esslinger material. How's it going, Melissa?

Good. No apologies during that? No ums? It's the cocaine, right? You're really doing cocaine, right? No. Melissa, you're grounded. Yeah, you're in big trouble for doing cocaine. Did you try cocaine? Did you do this?

Yeah, I tried cocaine. It was several months ago, but yeah. Oh, nice. Jeez Louise. I never took you as the cocaine type. I figured you're more of like the eat Elmer's glue type or something like that. I picture you like eating crayons and like misting it. I figured you're more of like the eat Elmer's glue type or something like that. I picture you like eating crayons. I thought it would be more like that.

Don't eat the Play-Doh, Melissa. There's nothing wrong with that. That was one of your best sets probably in the last couple weeks. Love the opener. Absolutely. You're right in with the joke before we even know it. You know what I mean? I've been in L.A. for nine and a half parking tickets.

That's great. I'd extend on that maybe since you're already there. Figure out a joke about parking tickets so you can stay in that pocket a little bit longer and then get out of it a little bit more cleanly than just switching to another one-liner, switching directions. I wanted to tie it back to parking tickets at the end, but I forgot at the end. There you go. Melissa Esslinger.

Brand new minute for Melissa Esslinger. She's on Twitter, Melissa Esslinger. That's Melissa Esslinger. Anything else for Melissa, guys? She writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. Yeah. I don't know. Do you really want me to be nice, or do you want the truth?

I want the truth. If you knew you were doing the fucking minute, it could have been a lot better. Okay. It really could have. It really could have. I felt like you had some decent premises there. And like Tony said, you could have been all about the parking ticket.

You see what Hirsch did with the sandwiches thing. So you might as well just stick with something and not try to bounce it. Don't even do it. Jeremiah. Jeremiah loading up a blow horn. I feel like you have to shove a lot of things

in. You have to force a minute. If you have a lot of ideas, you don't have to force it into this minute here. And the cocaine cred. I love the fact that you actually tried it. I'm a little concerned. Do you do it with people here? No, I don't do it. I just tried it.

You tried it, but just watch out. If you talk more or less. No less. When I first started doing comedy, my uncle, Skip Tarantino, grabbed me. And I was like four weeks in, and he goes, watch out for the nightlife, baby. doing comedy. My uncle, Skip Tarantino, grabbed me. I was like four weeks in and he goes,

watch out for the nightlife, baby. Skip Tarantino. Everybody watch out for the nightlife. You get free booze everywhere you go and there's lots of drugs around. Don't become an asshole.

It's true. It's going to fuck up your work so there's no need to hang out too much. If you're young, how old are you? 25. Oh, yeah.

Do some cocaine. And that thing that you're hitting right now. No, you can, but just don't let it take over your entire fucking life. And so, yeah, just try everything if you can, but don't get obsessed with it. That's why I get worried about young comics hanging out here too much or hanging out anywhere. Just do your work and it seems like if you knew you were going to do your minute like when you come back next week. Yeah. By the way, and this is

exactly what was on par for our last two regulars that were on the show for a year and a half before moving on to the original room and things like that. They had this um phase and they had this I'm sorry phase and they went through these things and then this is sort of like the sophomore part where

they ended up finding out that they should expand on their ideas instead of just hitting a one liner about parking tickets and then going into cocaine and then going into something else. It's like you can extend on these things and by the end of their sets they were covering a topic a minute, a new week, a new topic. I could never do this. Weinshank would come in and talk about kitchen drawers and by the end of their sets they were covering a topic a minute. A new week. I could never do this.

Wine Shank would come in and talk about kitchen drawers and then the next week it would be ketchup. Instead of blah blah blah. So try that next time. Just try to have it be one thing and see what you're doing. Don't listen to them. Keep doing cocaine.

Show up to Kill Tony every Monday. Freestyle it. You're wonderful. This is a great opportunity. It's a great writing exercise. And also just to tag on what he

said. Don't hang out at the place you're at. Don't hang out at one place too much at all at this point.

I started because I moved to LA and then started comedy a week later. So all of my social activities became comedy.

But I recently started hanging out at different places. Yeah, abnormal friends. No offense, I love all my out like different yeah I have normal friends yeah no offense people also there she goes Melissa with another new

minute that's good though I can see why you picked her what I can see why you picked her oh yeah she's a grower our other regular a new favorite here on kill Tony our newest regular. Put your hands together for everybody. It's

Vanessa Johnstone. Hi, guys. Happy Black History Month from a white person. There are perks of being white. We have a great memory we will never forget

the holocaust we will never forget the titanic but we will always forget slavery even if there is a whole month dedicated to it fucking stupid a lot of white people now have white guilt months dedicated to it. Fucking stupid. A lot of white people now have white guilt, which

is so typical for white people. They always have to own something. And if it isn't going to be people, it's going to be emotions. White guilt for whites only I really admire

other ethnicities because they have a great sense of community like white people we don't have a sense of community and that's because we're too busy destroying everyone else's I like where you got there towards the end, you know, with the white guilt stuff.

Fuck yeah, Vanessa Johnson, everybody. There you go. I see what you're saying. Like the first joke, I see what you were going for. I think you need to rewrite it and explain it better, but I understand where you're going.

You got to go in nice and soft so that people don't think you're like the worst person in the universe. Everybody wants to, I'm not sure if you've experienced this, but from the moment you said foot on stage,

everybody sort of wants to hate you. I got that. I didn't want to hate you. I was all out. In fact, I think I heard some word holocaust.

It's challenging for you? Oh, absolutely. I don't know. No? You don't care? I don't really think about it. All right. And how's it been going?

It's good. Really good. All right. Yeah. It's funny because that beginning, that first joke, I asked, called my friends who are black. I'm like, is this racist? Because it's worked in all black rooms that know me. And so they know I'm not a racist.

It just needs to be real. But I feel like it combs off racist in the beginning. Who's this white supremacist bitch? We always forget about slavery. It's a little bit harsh. But you need to explain that first. You have to have a better explanation before you say that.

A better setup. I understand the joke. You just have to remember that you have to win people over. And Al's the joke. You just have to remember that you have to win people over and Al's absolutely right. I mean, you're coming in, you know, like, you know, Jennifer Lawrence from Hunger Games and like everybody's trying to kill you and you have to outlast them. You know what, it's not even, can I

just say, it's not even that people necessarily want to hate you. That is a note that I think like really pretty women get, but like there, unfortunately, there is a stigma that like, oh, if you're pretty, you can't be funny so when you get on stage people are like immediately like oh she's not gonna be funny so i think you have to come out with something and immediately like hit yeah remember that were you in the back of the room when i said the robert hawkins thing start with your best joke start with your best joke and uh and with your second best joke because then you're

telling them right out of the gates it's like, fuck you. Don't try to, it changed for me when I stopped really trying to please the audience. It seemed like you're sort of there already, but just walking up. The first guy, remember the guy that hadn't done stand-up before

and it was his first set when he came running on stage? Divorce guy, same note. Hey, everybody. And really was trying to, don't do that and also you know you don't have to

I noticed that when a lot of people are starting out including myself I would always do this thing where I would try to segue in smoother than I needed to so for example if I had a joke about slavery I'd go it's black history month everybody and then you're stuck with that and that momentum instead of just going

slavery, boom. Just going straight to the joke instead of trying to force You don't need to go, happy Black History Month and I get it because I was guilty of it. So many extra words. So you're lucky that this is a podcast and you actually can listen back to this, but if you, I record and have recorded every single one of

my sets ever and listen back and you can tell right away where something works. You want to trim out all the extra parts, just get right to the parts that get laughs. What were you going to say, asshole? I was going to say, I record all my breakfasts. I like to record myself eating breakfast, and I like the next day to listen and go over how I ate breakfast,

and did I do the toast right? You should try recording your sets. There you go. Vanessa, so fun. Another new minute. Brand new minute every single week from Vanessa Johnston. She's on Twitter and Instagram

at Vanessa Johnston. I love that those pants became acceptable to wear. We got through it tonight, everybody. Jessica Michelle Singleton, you have a new album on iTunes. I do. It's called Please Don't Leave Me. Please Don't Leave Me.

Al Magical. Al, you are my favorite correspondent on The Daily Show, on everything. You're a hero for being with me here tonight. I absolutely love you. What else, Al? All Things Comedy, Al Magical. All Things Comedy. You have a new opener?

Yeah, there's stuff. Yeah, your new opener? I don't know about that. We'll figure that out. You guys want to do 30 Seconds of Fury from One Last Person out of the bucket? Yeah! A super 30 seconds set? You want to do that guy or pull a new one?

Pull a new one. Pull a new one, Tony. Let's pull a new one. Special 30 Second Thunder set. You want to do that guy or pull a new one? Pull a new one. Pull a new one, Tony. Pull a new one. Special 30 second thunder set. Closer. Bo Laffman, everybody. Bo Laffman. Stop it. I don't see Bo Laffman, so we're going to go with this other guy, Alec Hall, everybody.

Alec Hall. Okay, nobody there. 30 seconds of thunder from Taylor Rizzo. Taylor Rizzo. Is that him? Here he comes. 30 seconds, Taylor. What's up, guys?

I don't have enough time to say what's up. Okay. Fuck you guys. I told this guy to suck my dick today, which is weird. I realize that any time I tell somebody to suck my dick, it's always someone that I would never want to suck my dick. And any time there is somebody that I want to suck my dick, I'm always way more polite about it.

Would you please put your mouth on it? It's like you got to ease my dick, I'm always way more polite about it. Would you please put your mouth on it? It's like you gotta ease them in, you know? Alright, I don't know if that's... This 30 second thing was my worst idea ever! Even I have bad ideas once in a while. That was a bad one. Nice to see you again, though, Taylor.

Wonderful. You made history with the first ever 30-second spot on Kill Tony. There is Taylor Rizzo, everybody. This was Kill Tony live, guys. We did it again. Come see us all do stand-up in the original room after this in a little bit. That'll be fun. Yay.

Ryan Chayee belts drawing, everybody. Look at that. Look at you and look at Jessica Michelle Singleton. I do look like I have Down Syndrome. Jessica, one last time. What's the name of your album? Please Don't Leave Me. Please Don't Leave Me by Jessica Michelle Singleton. It's number one on iTunes. Buy it. Have fun. Love you guys. Thank you.

Al Magical, Jeremiah, Pat Reagan, Reagan and Watkins, Patty Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, Vanessa Johnstew, Josh Martin, Jamie Burnham, RyanJayEBelt.com Bye. This is John Stu, Josh Martin, Jamie Burnham, RyanJEBelt.com. Bye. Take a step that is new We have a lovable space That needs your fair share of company too

Take a step that is new We have a lovable space That needs your fair share of company too Go see the Marble Chief We love all those days that need you, baby. Go see the Marble Chief. you