KILL TONY - KILL TONY #144

Episode Date: March 1, 2016

Doug Benson, Esther Ku, Greg Fitzsimmons, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Jeremiah Watkins, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 02/22/2016 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Tony's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com, has all his tour dates and merchandise, so check it out. Also, don't forget to go to ShopSquad.tv for all the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe, including the Kitty Kat shirts and hats. And you can always go to DeathSqu tv and click on tour dates to see all the different live shows that we produce here at death squad including not only this what you're listening to right now kill tony's every monday at 8 p.m at the comedy store and then every tuesday we do verbal violence which is the roast battle at the Comedy Store. And then every first and third Friday,

we're at the Ice House for the Death Squad Comedy Show, first and third of every month in Pasadena, California. Also just announced Death Squad Austin, March 12th and 13th. It's going to be George Perez, me, and a bunch of special guests because it's South by Southwest at the same time. So there's going to be a lot of crazy secret surprise guests. Again, that's March 12th and 13th at the Spider House Ballroom. And then March 18th, Death Squad San Jose.

It's going to be in San Jose, California with Brian Redband, me, George Perez, Kate Quigley, and hosted by Frank from Verbal Violence. So check that out. You can always find all of this information by just going to deathsquad.tv and clicking on Tour Dates. Don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Just open up iTunes and search the iTunes store for Kill Tony so you can get every episode delivered right to you. Or you can always subscribe to just Death Squad on iTunes. Then you get all the podcasts that we do here at Death Squad.

All right. Here's one of the best episodes, I think, of Kill Tony that we've recorded. This was hilarious. The last two episodes, so funny. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Tony Hinchcliffe. Hi, everybody. Hello. Hello. So much respect. I love a hot room. Wow, another Monday night. Look at this.

Brian Redband's here, everybody. Look. What's up, guys? We're here. We're live. It's Kill Tony. Keep it going for Pat Reagan, everybody, on the ones and twos. He just played his fucking heart out for you.

And house artist Ryan J. Ebelt ladies and gentlemen who's here live in the flesh drawing tonight's episode and just drew the exclusive reveal of the first ever Kill Tony movie poster ladies and gentlemen an exclusive reveal

it is fucking unbelievable crazy I own that one. Looks like a poster for a foreign film. Ryan J. E. Belt's prints are available at ryanjebelt.com. He draws every single episode from a blank sheet of paper, and he started tonight's episode already right now. I'm seeing it live.

At the end of the episode, we're going to reveal exactly what he drew. It looks like a Tarantino poster. That's like an old western vibe feel. I like the folding. It looks like it's been folded and taken out of a magazine or something. Yeah, it's old school throwback. It's very cool.

When you hear the sound of a kitty. So cool. Josh Martin Comics here helping out, running around. So we're all here. So here we are. We're all live. Monday, we're back.

What is that? Is that just a bag of meat? It's my meat bag. Brian, what has this become? It's the diet I'm on. It's my fast food. Comedians eating weird on podcasts. Well... It's emergency. Meat. You have a bag of meat. You went to the grocery store and got $4.79

worth of... Roast beef eye, whatever that is. Oh, wow. And Jamie Vernon, everybody. HD camera way in the back. Young Jamie. The great Jamie Vernon. Amazing artist.

Amazing director, photographer. So many things. Pat, how's life going? It's going, man. I'm keeping it 100, trying to stay wavy. I got my ear to the streets. I'm trying to pick up what the kids are talking about. One of my favorite things about this poster is you, actually.

Look at that face. That shocked look. That face is so great. It's like, huh? Maybe we could add on, like, maybe there's, like, accessories you can buy for the poster for if you stick with this glasses look that you have. This young Bernie Sanders look that you're trying to pull off.

The protester. You look like Bernie Sanders when he got arrested at that protest. That's my O face on the poster. It is. Tony, your face, you look like you have a queef face. Like, whoa, what's that smell? And Brian, you have the face of a guy that's like, don't touch my meat bag.

Yeah. Don't touch my meat bag. Give me my meat bag. I paid $4.79 for that meat bag. I think it's just roast beef, but like steak part. Like, it's steak beef. Yeah, I think you're trying to make steak out of your... Ew, disgusting. Don't put that near me, Brian. That's just

gross. Anyway... Something Charlie from Always Sunny would eat. Mm-hmm. Fuck yeah. For all you crossover Always Sunny Kill Tony fans out there. Super points for... Alright. Let's get the show going. I always have some of the funniest

comedians in the world on this show. And guess what? This week is no different. Three of the best comedians in the world. Put your hands together for Doug Benson, Greg Fitzsimmons, and Esther Kuh. Oh shit. Look at this. Look how fast it happens, everybody.

All of a sudden. Boom. A full panel of amazing comedians. Some of our favorite people. Guys. Hi, everyone. Grab a microphone. Make yourselves at home. We got a, everyone. Grab a microphone. Make yourselves at home.

We got a hot popper. Hot popper. Josh Martin, what's happening? What up? Hi, everybody. Hi, Tony. Hinch Cleef. Esther Koo, this is your first time on the show,

even though the set looks like it was made for you specifically. Thank you. I love it. Who's got the crackle? Can we find out now? You're all grabbing your mics by the bottom, but near the cord. Go ahead and... Mine's not...

That's that one. It's that one. It's the one on the stage. Wait, it's the one on the stage. Oh, perfect. Check. It looks like it's been bashed into a lot of people's heads. Give the first time comedians the shittiest mic.

Hello, mic check. Josh, this is the part where you should be fixing something. He freaked out. He just ran. I just saw him run downstairs. Okay. So that mic's out. Doug, is yours on? Hello, I'm an amateur comedian.

Hello, check. I could use a little more hotness in mine. Yeah, you have like nothing on. I need some heat. I'll be a pro and talk loud into it. Esther, how's yours? Hello, hello, hello. I think whatever cable that Doug is using is bad, and that's why

Doug can't be heard right now. Yeah, so maybe you and Esther can just hang out with your mic, each other's mic. Just unplug it. You want me to share my mic? Just until Josh gets back from the woman's restroom. Alright. my mic? Just until Josh gets back from the woman's restroom. One of them is making a distinguishable crackle.

I think it's Doug's. It's not mine. We've lost everybody now. Stay still. I'm trying not to move it. Oh, shit. What was that? I couldn't see. Just drop that? I couldn't see. Just drop it?

I've never seen anyone drop the mic while things are going terribly wrong. Normally that is something saved for like you just crushed it or something like that. That makes more sense though. I was getting rid of it. Now hers isn't working. What? Hello?

Good thing this live show isn't a podcast. Because it's just a live show. So it doesn't matter because no one will ever hear this. Hey, Feng Chao. Can you get a Josh Martin? I feel like we should always have a mic on Feng Chao. This one's bad. This one is not good I turned that one down just to figure out which mic is wrong

Josh Make this real Josh Where'd you go Josh The show just started Here Joshy Joshy Josh There's a

I think one of the mics I think Doug Benson's mic or the comic mic, whichever one has the splitter or whatever, I think, yeah, it's bad news. It's like,

let's hit that. Oh, no. I've never heard somebody drop a microphone like that. The F when things are not going well. I love it. Doug's so high,

he still thinks that microphone's working. Oh, shit. Greg, you ever have technical difficulties on any of these? I once did an entire hour and 35-minute podcast with Andy Kindler and then realized at the end of it that we had not hit record. Oh. Oh shit. I said Andy can you

stay and we'll do another one. He's like let's go. Did another hour. It was unbelievable. He was high. I'm sort of back. Try it. That's got a that's some nice action

Doug Benson Josh It's the heat that I'm looking for Now I will only drop the mic In victory Hello Hello yes there we go That's the most important microphone right there

Josh Martin Josh Martin right there. Josh Martin. Josh Martin right there. Right when we needed him. Right at the second we needed him. He's going to get in Texas tees over here. Let's get this party started. You guys know how it works. Comedians signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds on this stage

and then talk to us afterwards about anything and be on a live podcast. We talk about their set and what we saw, and maybe we make fun of them. Maybe we can say something that helps them. Maybe we can find out something else that they could talk about. Guys, comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. All right. Okay.

Very good. Wow. Fresh from the Revenant. Right when... The subtle audio tastes of Brian Redband. Right when we couldn't push more people away from listening to this

episode of this podcast. That's for you guys that were on the treadmill during that one. Special gunshot for you. Would you guys like any meat? It's... Brian, get your meat bag off this table. You put it over there on your special Would you guys like any meat? It's uh Alright Brian Get your meat bag off this table

You put it over there on your special creepy producer table Jesus it's like a scene from a David Fincher film Guys Let's get this party started This is Kill Tony So we can just start the episode right here Hey guys welcome to Kill Tony. Everybody's here.

Alright, I pulled the name out of the bucket and that name is Steve Breeze. Steve Breeze. Yeah. That's a lot of noise and happiness, man. Thank you. How we doing, you guys? Great. What's up, Pat? I was taking a nap in back.

Sorry, I apologize. My name is Steve Breeze. My social security number is 395026574. My mother's maiden name is Duran, and the answer to your security question is the topic of this next joke. I've got a cat. I named my cat Deep Purple, because every time he meows, he goes, Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. This joke is sucking right now. Let's see. You guys ever go through a breakup?

Make some noise if you were sad at one point in your life. There we go. Sad like every day of my life. My ex-girlfriend really fucked me up. She cheated on me. So what I did is I masturbated to a picture of the guy she fucked right in front of her. Because if I have to think about her fucking another dude, she has to think of that every time we have sex. All right.

Thank you, guys. Fuck you, Steve Breeze. For some reason, I feel like I've heard you... You've been on the show before, right? The same minute, right? Yeah. I think it's sort of like an

unsaid... Satan Bear sound effect, right? Yeah. I mean, Steve, what's going... Do you only have a minute, Steve? Yeah, we can do that. I got a minute. You got one minute? One minute.

Steve the Minute Man. And 30 seconds of it is set up for meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, up for Meow, meow, meow Meow, meow, meow, meow Meow, meow, meow, meow Kill yourself And the other 30 seconds is apologizing He wasn't paying attention to the show

That he's unprepared for Brian's like, kitty, horsey will do Are you a skateboarder I'm not that horse Doug was the horse of truth the horse happens when anytime something super honest is said

alright someone was saying meow at the time so that's why I got confused there was honesty in those meows. Yeah. So, Steve, how long have you been doing stand-up? It's going on five.

Five days? Five years. Yep. Oh, Esther Koo from... By his 10th anniversary, he helps to perfect that 45 seconds. But what went wrong? anniversary helps to perfect that 45 seconds. But what went

wrong? Did it go better the first time you did it on here? No, because his response was the exact same response. Like, oh, this isn't going that good. You said the exact same thing, didn't you? Oh, no, no. That joke usually ends with

me telling him, single, and my cat died five years ago. That usually actually gets a laugh. Sometimes you gotta bring him down. Sometimes you gotta bring up cat death. Just to get him on your side. What is your obsession with? Now, that is not a horsey. You can't tell us that that usually gets a laugh.

Well, it does. Because we don't believe you. Oh, okay. You can't tell us that that usually gets a laugh. Well, it does. Because we don't believe you. Oh, okay. It didn't work now. Why would it have worked before? Oh, I don't know. I have no answer. You know, Esther, sometimes a joke will not work in one setting,

but will work in another. Oh, yeah. You know what I discovered during this whole thing, though, is that when he said, who's ever been ever been sad, you didn't respond. You've never been sad? I have been sad.

You were just too slow. I just was slow. Yeah, you just got me dug outside. Oh, I did not. You're coming in here. Wow. Holy shit. I don't know what that means.

Steve, what do you do for a living? A living? Right now, I do absolutely nothing. You do absolutely nothing? Absolutely nothing. I just apply for jobs. That's all I do. Well, why don't you write jokes?

What do you do with all the time that you're doing absolutely nothing with? Walk around, look for money on the ground. Really? Yeah. That's your method? Yeah, I've been doing it for a long time. He only does jobs that rhyme. You should go to...

Walking around, looking for money on the ground. Meow rhymes with meow meow. Steve, how much money do you make with that method Of looking for money on the ground Depends on the day Sure I understand that

How about a Wednesday It varies from every Wednesday to Wednesday I don't know I've collected like when I was growing up That's how I just kept Well yeah that's how all of us When we're growing up Through the ages of two to four, that's how we all growing up make a living.

When you find change around the house, that's what you do for a living when you're growing up. We've all done that. People that walk around just looking straight ahead or in oncoming traffic, they never make any money. They're failures. The go-getters are at the fountains, though, where people throw money in the water. Do you ever go splish-splashing in the fountains?

No, I don't take from those. I saw a homeless guy doing that recently and I was like, that makes perfect sense. I mean, he needs the money and he's stealing little dreams. Each one is like a wish, and he's getting a bath. You saw a guy stealing out of a fountain? What if you waited around, and he threw them all back in,

and you go, what's up with that? He goes, lots of wishes, man. So, Steve, you say that you've been doing this a long time, this method. Did you notice a significant difference in the amount of money that you would find on the ground with the evolution of credit cards? I don't have those. No, I know you don't have those. Oh, actually, no.

I've got a target. I don't know what part of that question you got confused with me thinking for a second. I went through bankruptcy so that no credit card companies would give me. Oh, you're like Trump. Yeah. So how do you pay your rent? I don't. Where do you live?

I have a really good friend. You have a good friend you stay with? I have a very good friend, yeah. Like a couch situation? It's a floor. That's your friend? I have a floor who's a friend. Oh, man.

What floor is it? What room? The floor. It's in a studio. Don't tell me a kitchen floor. It's a studio. Let me ask you this. Kind of a kitchen floor.

Do you ever wake up and look around and look for money? No. Well, in his apartment? No. Yeah, because you're right on the floor. You'd be able to see it. I found my own change on the floor. You have?

Yeah, because I sleep in my pants sometimes and it falls out. Dude, well, that's interesting to me that a guy like you who makes a living finding money would ever drop money yourself. Has that ever happened after a long day of finding money? You find out you have a hole in your pocket and you're just like, you've got to be fucking kidding me. Have you ever laid backwards on the side of a bed and looked at the ceiling and imagined it was the floor and that you could walk on it? You went for it there. I like that.

For all of you that are tripping on mushrooms while listening to this episode. Level 9 difficulty joke by Red Band. Who runs the bear button when you're talking? I do. I do, Doug. Jesus.

Shots fired. Where's the gunshot on that one? Oh, he gets nothing. That's so funny. Steve Breeze. Oh, I knew Sambo was coming. You always wait for me to start. Hang on, an old-time buggy's coming through.

We're at Disneyland on Main Street now. coming through. We're at Disneyland on Main Street now. I love this roasting Brian sound effects that's happening. Oh, shit. Steve,

so what are your goals? What do you expect to happen? I mean, you're just looking for money on the ground. Well, he said he's applying. What kind of jobs are you applying for? I'm mostly in apartment management. Sales. Let me put it to you this way, Steve. What impresses me is I don't know, what are we at? Like 150 or something

crazy. I don't even know how many episodes we've done. I keep losing count. But I don't think I've ever seen anybody out of maybe 150 episodes. We'll say 10 comedians a pop that's what. 1,500 people

ever repeat a minute on this show word for word like they did it before and how it didn't work and then did nothing of any of the adjustments to the advice we gave them from the previous episode and just did it exactly the same. I didn't do exactly the same. You can go back

and listen to the episodes. Oh yeah let's go back and listen to the episodes. Oh yeah, let's go back and compare. I don't think we have enough time for that right meow. Meow, meow. Meow, meow. But Steve, it was nice to see you again, man.

Best of luck with everything. I think I just heard somebody drop a nickel in the back. Go get it. Steve Bree again, man. Best of luck with everything. I think I just heard somebody drop a nickel in the back. Go get it. I didn't hear it. Steve Breeze, everyone. He's pretty sure he's a pickpocket. Pretty sure he's a fucking pickpocket, guys.

So why... Make sure you protect your jokes. The money that I find in pockets, I mean the ground. He does have a Twitter. He's on Twitter. It's Steve Breeze Like. B-R-E-E-S-E-L-I-K-E. Steve Breeze Like.

He's on Twitter at, at, ooh, a quarter. At what? He's on Twitter at, at, ooh, a quarter. 07. Everybody send him five cents on PayPal. That's right. At Steve Brelikes. We probably should have passed the hat.

Passed the hat? I mean, don't you think? How about we pass a hat? Anybody have a hat? What does that mean? Yeah, you're wearing a hat. Asking for a hat. I'm not passing a hat.

Does anybody have a glass? You guys really want to raise money for him? I need a glass. I'm just curious what we'd get. How about this? How about everybody puts one joke in a hat for him to read? Next time he's on a... Oh, snap it.

I pulled another name out of the bucket, and that name is Louis Offer, everybody. Here we go. Oh, how dare you, Louis. While I tried to actually take a sip of water. We got a no-show? I strategically timed it so that I could have a few sips of water, and because that person didn't show up.

I didn't even know. That was weird. Where did he go? I pulled another name out of the bucket. Oh, we know her. Very cool. Rising comedian in the community. Put your hands together for Logan Gunselman, everybody.

Thank you, guys. I feel like I might be a little bit late, but I got to ask, did you guys have a good Father's Day? Is it good? Mine was good. My family, we went out to lunch to a seafood restaurant. And my daddy didn't have his glasses on, and there was an item on the menu called conch chowder. And my dad leaned over to me, and he said, hey, what's couch chowder my dad leaned over to me and he said hey what's couch chowder and i was like oh that's gonna be what i call jizz from now on

my dad was like we can't have one nice meal sorry if that was gross. This will be clean. Do you guys think that the first guy to feed his pet dog chocolate, he probably thought it was going to go way differently, right? Okay. I love that. Logan Gunson, I'm doing it again. I loved everything.

I just don't know why right before that last one you said that was really dirty. This one's going to be clean. Like you like apologized and it was funny before. Oh, sorry.

I just felt bad if it was too gross. No. Don't feel bad. No, it'll never be too gross. Couch chowder? I can't. That's catching on.

I like it. Yeah, and you went into the relatively clean dog getting violent diarrhea and vomiting until it dies joke. Yeah, that was cute. You did clean it up quite a bit. Yeah. Is that what happens? All dogs can't have chocolate?

Is that the rule? Small ones. They die. It's actually the caffeine that's inside the chocolate. It's not actually the chocolate. So don't give them coffee either. Don't give them Coca-Cola. Never give them hot coffee.

It's because the chocolate makes the dogs more delicious if you know that they're chocolate-filled doggies. And nobody knows more about it. Whoa, that's kind of racist what you just did. You're the racist one. I'm just talking about chocolate filled doggies. You're talking about delicious doggies? Yeah, filled with chocolate nougat inside.

Wow. All right. There you go. Esther Koo. Logan, what do you do for work? I work at an auction house and I'm a doorman at the improv. Oh, cool. What are they I work at an auction house, and I'm a doorman at the Improv. Oh, cool. What are they auctioning at the auction house?

Right now, a ton of Prince's old stuff, actually. Oh, yeah. Rest in peace. One of the greats, Prince. It's a shame that we lost him. What's the big ticket item? His ex-wife gave us her engagement ring. That's pretty exciting.

That and his couch chowder. Whoa, Jesus. That's a little weird. It's a very creepy voice with your couch chowder over there, Pat. Logan, did you say you were a doorman at the improv? Yeah. Not door person? I'm just curious.

It seems like you're really making a point if you say door person. Really? To me, I don't know. You seem like it's a political stance to say door person? I would still say, can you say stewardess still, or are you not supposed to? I don't know. This is semantics. Comedy stewardess.

I don't know. Has anybody else brought this up to you? Do you say doorman? Is that a thing? I've never really thought of that. Yeah, I just figured that was the name of the job. I guess there's a reason no one brings it up. Yeah, I guess so. When they say, why do you call yourself a doorman,

say, because I watch the door, man. What do you do at the auction house? That one was covered in sprinkly fairy dust. What do you do at the auction house? That's like we imagined it. You're like all chill and mellow here, and then you go there, and you just start rambling off the numbers.

Do you do the auction voice? Like, ay-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-yad-y that's it my job is actually really creepy I look up all the living relatives of anyone and I find their address and I write them a letter asking for their stuff to sell so I just well what I do is quite easy I just wait until people die and then take their stuff and sell it at a high rate

wow you went from like a nice girl I just wait until people die and then take their stuff and sell it at a high rate. Wow, you went from like a nice girl to super evil. Oh, what do I do for a living? I thought you were going to do that thing again. Are you only allowed to send letters? You can't email or tweet them? Yeah, everything's by mail. It's a really weird... It's a psychological thing, right? Because people get a piece of paper and they're like,

oh, shit. Yeah, I find them at their... If it was like a text like, yo, your grandpop's just died. What's up? It'd be super shady. A letter, it's more like real. It gives it like an actual physical thing. You know what I mean? You don't want to call and say, do you have any old guitars?

I say, well, he's still alive. And you go, oh, let me call you back in like half an hour. Check your Twitter feed. We write living people, too. I mostly get the dead ones. That's my job. Wow. You got a dead one?

Give it to Logan. Who are some other dead people? Other than Prince, who are some other dead people other other than prince who are some other dead people that uh immediately after david bowie died my boss is like look up everyone he ever worked with oh my god yeah it's a soulless job but it's 18 an hour so i do it wow you know your economy's bad when $18 an hour gets a party horn on a live podcast.

I'm going to hell, but I have dental. If Brian had a confetti button, he would have hit it. Oh, I'd love that. That was so joyous. I'd love if we had fucking physical like if those balls blew up if we had buttons

for that oh my god that'd be the greatest thing ever you know what that sounds like that goes in the idea chamber

another great idea exploding balls coming soon live on Kill Tony you ever have people like approach you about yeah actually Red Fox's family sold his entire estate.

We have a huge portrait that's hilarious. He's still alive. No, he's dead. He's dead. He's super dead. I was doubting myself. He's dead, dummy! I'm coming!

I'm coming, Elizabeth! Oh, I can't. I already can't. That's incredible. That's an interesting fucking field that you're in. You should write some jokes about that. Do you have jokes about that? No.

Get into it. It's a good topic. When your boss was like, dude, you need to get all this David Bowie shit, were you under pressure from him to... You could have been a hero.

Just for one day. Can we change the subject? Can't think of any more. Quiet, you little. Quiet, my little China girl. Boom. Powerful. There you go.

And so anything else, Logan? What else is going on in life? See anything crazy working down at the improv? Have those drawings of the comedians on the walls gotten any better? No. I want to know more about it, but I feel like can I ask, do you know, or I have to ask someone else? How bad those drawings are? And why it's unfinished.

No, they're finished. It's finished. It says restaurant and it stops at the A. The whole thing is shitty and then they were like, no. I think someone shot him when they saw the picture. Yeah, it was bad. Alright, Logan. Well, good luck.

We'll see you again soon. Logan Gunselman. She's on Twitter at A Dirty Guns. A Dirty Guns. That's gross. What's her name? That's Dirty Guns. Dirty Guns? Her last name is Gunselman. Dirty Guns. Logan Gun Guns? Her last name is Gunselman. Dirty Guns.

Logan Gunselman, by the way. That's interesting. How'd she get that? All right. Dirty Guns. Dirty Guns just left the building. Hey. Dirty Guns are some of what she sells in the estate sale.

All right. Pat Reagan. Just going to show that we're all human up here, guys. I know a lot of it's just rapid-fire murder. Just to remind you that anything can happen if the show is totally live. We have Pat Reagan firing off jokes once in a while for you. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Benny

Spiwalla. Wow. Here he is. Benny Spiwalla, everybody. What's going on, guys? Have you guys noticed lately that at the end of the date, the woman always asks me if I'm gay? Anybody else seen it?

No, and I know it's happening, because when I talk to my boyfriends, my guy friends, the bros I do Zumba with, they tell me that at the end of their dates, the woman always asks them if I'm gay. Yeah. And from what I've learned from this, because it's happened many a time,

is that there's no real way to say no. Because the more you deny it, the gayer you sound. Me? Gay? No. I'm not gay. I'm definitely not gay. I don't know.er you sound. Me? Gay? No. I'm not gay. I'm definitely not gay. Have you kissed a guy? It's terrible. The stubble? Feels gross. Ugh. Have you sucked a dick? Ugh. I can't breathe through my nose. Can you? TMJ? TMJ's terrible.

Definitely not gay, guys. I'm not gay. Definitely not gay. I recently signed up for the Tinder and I'll tell you about it next time. Benny Spiwalla. Spiwack. Tinder cliffhanger.

So are you gay? Ha ha ha! Are we on a date? Wait, who's that for? You. Are we on a date? What? Wait. Who's that for? You. It's for you.

No. You're not, right? I'm not. Yeah, I didn't think so. He's like what you would be if you never started smoking weed. What? Wow. I feel like Esther had that one in the chamber just waiting.

But you don't seem gay at all. That's why the joke that one in the chamber just waiting. But you don't seem gay at all. That's why the joke is kind of weird. Is it? You seem pretty straight. You have that deep voice. You should tell that to the girls I date. Wait, does that really happen? It's happened multiple times. So a bunch of girls that you've dated have been like,

dude, you're totally gay. No. Like, what happens? What do you go down there and just suck their dicks? You should talk to the girls whose dicks have been in his mouth. That's exactly what I was getting at. So you drowned out the bottom of my punchline. Do you like a little finger, a little Kanye West in your ass?

No. You don't like a little finger in your ass? What are you doing with my volume, Brian? I didn't do anything. I feel like I'm fucking yelling. He needs louder. I agree. Louder.

There we go. Thank you. I have a little girl voice he's got a manly voice and he's the one that feels gay I feel really gay Benny what do you notice that the girls say that you're gay what do they say when they tell you you're gay well one of them said

we were just talking we were in West Hollywood I said something about there being a lot of gay people and she was like oh you're gay can you say West Hollywood again for me West Hollywood but also it's just funny it's just funny that you're like so I was in West Hollywood

and I was mistaken for gay it was my idea to meet there I said let's go to Hamburger Mary's Hollywood and I was mistaken for gay. It was my idea to meet there. I said, let's go to Hamburger Mary's. And she was like, are you gay? Is your brother home? Why do you keep asking me that? No reason.

Give another example. That one just didn't make any sense all right all of a sudden you're like hey there's a lot of gay guys around and she's like oh you're gay goodbye uh that's not a real story yeah there was a there was another time i was at a party i was talking to a girl for a while um are you sure this girl wasn't a penis i had a few drinks so i cannot be sure so what happened yeah we were we were like flirting all night and we were like drinking

our faces were getting like closer and closer I was about to go in for the kiss and she like just looks at me and she's like I can't figure you out man I was like what do you mean

you can't figure me out like I'm Benny I told you I'm whatever she's like no she's like no are you gay right why don't you just kiss her on the mouth and say why don't you tell me after, no, are you gay? Why don't you just kiss her on the mouth and say, why don't you tell me after this?

Yeah, what did you do then? They say, are you gay? Yeah, I said no, and she believed it. There was a happy ending. When you went down... Wait a second, what do you mean it's a happy ending? She jerked him off right there.

We've got to wait for that music. Are you gay? No. Wait. Winger, winger, winger, winger, winger, winger, winger. It goes one way or the other. That music doesn't match what I picture the rest of that party being. I picture him being like,

do you believe me that I'm not gay? And she goes, yep. And they just sit there for the rest of the party staring forward. What do you mean it went good? What happened after that? You go, I'm not gay. She grabbed my face.

She grabbed your face. Wait, what? Let it out. Let it out. Go over your whole entire face. She had rosy hands? Next thing you know, she pulls me into her beard. And he told me he had a hundred yes.

And she remained my beard the rest of the time. Benny, that is so interesting. You have tough parents. No, they're all right. Homophobic father. Did you hear the tone? Did you hear that pitch? Hey!

What's the deal with my dad? What do you mean? Anything about my parents? He used to coach me in high school basketball. What do you mean, your mom and dad? Why do I have to like girls?

That was a gizmo. Well, who named you Benny? Was that your own thing? Because it could be Ben. It could be. I tried Ben. I tried a little bit. I don't feel like a Ben.

Hi, I'm Benny. Of course they think you're gay. Call me Benny. After Benny and the Jets from Elton John, who was... Interesting. Gay as fuck. Interesting. He's really gay.

That's true. He's pretty gay. You do look gay. Oh, thank you. Thank you! Somebody! Yeah, thank you. Wait, are you asking us to tell you if you're gay? No. It's just a routine he was doing, Esther. I don't think so.

Benny, where are you from? From New York. That's right. Tough was doing, Esther. I don't think so. I think you're hung up. Benny, where are you from? From New York. That's right. Tough parents. Where in New York? Chelsea. Brooklyn. West Village.

Tougher dad. Brooklyn. Your dad's a police officer. He is definitely not. What is he for a living? He sells attachments, which... Like... Which one?

Exactly. The things that price tags. Oh, Gildo. Which one? Exactly. The things that price tags hang from on clothing that you break off. It's right here. Oh, no.

I love that the gayest thing about you is that your dad sells those for a living. Out of everything. Oh, you know

those things that the price tag's attached to? I know. I do not like shoplifters. I will stop them if it's the last thing I do. You take those pants off, you gay vigilante Holy shit Benny This is amazing

Have you ever Had a close encounter with a guy I haven't I've got lots of friends So only women think you're gay Yeah No no I have friends who are gay I've got lots of friends. So only women think you're gay. Yeah. No, no.

I have friends who are gay. I've gone to some clubs with them, gotten some free drinks, so that's nice. Yeah! I took my shirt off. Yeah, it sounds like you need more than a minute to work this all out. Yeah. Benny's more hung up on these identity issues than the conservatives in abortion. It's true. When he talks, I think I'm suddenly in a movie

and there's a voiceover. Benny, let me see your abs. How am I doing? Am I all right? That's pretty gay. You got it. You got it. You got it.

You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it.

You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it.

You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it.

You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it.

You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it.

You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. I saw those abs. But I can almost see your rock hard dick resting on those abs. Let me see.

I'm glad I turned everybody around and convinced you. Well, that's what you're good at doing, mostly with guys, is turning them around. I'll convince you I'm not gay. I'm going to be so not gay up in you. I'll put my foot right up your ass. Because if it was my dick, then I'd be gay. But a foot does not count. Oh, shit.

Oh, Benny. Benny. You play any sports or anything? No, I run. Yeah? Where do you like to run? Just around Santa Monica, where I live. The city, not the boulevard, Brian.

Oh, my God. He's like, I work out with the cast of Tangerine We do a lot of sit ups How fast do you run? A little bit faster than him What do you do for a living? I work in advertising What are you advertising? Right now a ski resort.

I feel like no matter what he says, it sounds gay, man. A ski resort! A ski resort! Didn't the ambiguously gay duo go on a ski resort? He's doing advertising for not a gay ski resort. It's encouraged.

The resort is called White Tip, but it's not. There's nothing gay about it at all. It's just a reference to a mountaintop, and now you can ski down in snowy whiteness. Hey, who's poles? Oh my god. I'm fucking dying here. This is unbelievable.

Everything that I find out about you gets gayer and gayer. This is incredible. Oh my god. Holy shit. Well, Benny, you got an hour on you. I've got a lot to work out. Good luck to you. Benny, so nice to meet you.

I feel like we could have talked to you forever. Thank you guys. Please come back. Benny's on Twitter at Benny SP. Didn't really get to talk to him about his comedy at all but that's all gold holy fucking shit there's a part where I literally

almost had a stroke during laughing at all of that would you like some meat? no I'm still going to pass on that I think being near that is probably part of the cause that was incredible holy fucking shit guys has anybody that was probably part of the cause. That was incredible. Holy fucking shit.

Guys, has anybody, Esther, a question that I always ask everybody the first time, have you ever been, when you started out in comedy, was there ever a moment that you hated, like that you regret doing anything terrible? That I regret doing something on stage? Yeah, when you very first started. God, I'm sure there's...

I used to be part of a comedy team in Boston. It's called Coup and the Jew. And we would tell people to quit comedy. We would write a song about it. I regret that. Gotcha. That was kind of mean. Wait, you mean real comedians you were friends with?

Yeah, we would book them on the show, and then we would write a song on why they should quit comedy. Wow. And did they still hang out with you? Yeah. No. You made some enemies.

Yeah. Wow. The Jew put you up to it, it sounds like. Who was the Jew? No, maybe it was me. Really? Yeah. How do you know it was a Jew?

Well, because they run the entertainment industry in Boston. Oh, yeah, yeah. It was a Jew. Yeah. Guys, how about one more time for Benny Spiwala, who was up here a minute ago. Benny! Benny!

Benny! Benny! Hey, I pulled a name out of the bucket, and this is really cool. I've never pulled his name out of the bucket, but I started with this guy. I know him very well. Everybody around here does. Longtime L.A. comedian. Put your hands together for Brian Swinehart, ladies and gentlemen.

Hey! Hey, Good to be here. Tony's from Ohio. I'm from Ohio. And the Wright brothers, John Glenn, Neil Armstrong, from Ohio. All pioneers in aviation. Ohio inspires people to fly the hell out of Ohio. Wright brothers invented the airplanes so they could fly to different states, meet women from other states. Ohio's not known for its women. That's how Ohio got its name because you see her from far and then she gets close. Oh, hi. Oh. Grateful for the Wright

Brothers because I love to fly, but airport security's too strict. Going through the airport, they confiscated my Starbucks frozen drink. Took it away from me. Then I walk inside the airport. What do I see? Starbucks. What's Starbucks doing? They're selling the same frozen drink they just took away from me for twice the price. Starbucks is behind terrorism.

Osama Bin Latte. It's a grande conspiracy. His drinks are the bomb. Brian Swinehart. What's up, buddy? Yo, man. Fuck yeah.

Yeah, dude. Thanks for having me. Of course. So fun. Yeah, man. I've been working with you for a long time. Long time. I love this look that you're rocking tonight.

Yeah. I was coming from an audition, but I wanted to keep it on. I love that. I just made it in the Book of Mormon. Yeah, are you going to be? Yes, that's what it is, the Book of Mormon. I'm up for it, yeah. I love it.

How's life going? It's good. Good. I went back home recently for Christmas and everything, so traveling a little bit. Not enough, but. Your voice says it's about, you're saying it's bad. Huh? I don't know.

Maybe. Hey. Yeah, they're out there. They're out there. Brian, what else? It's interesting because you're one of those people that I've always seen you around and everything. What exactly do you do other than comedy? Well, my other job is a stand-in.

So I do stand-up at night, and I'll do stand-in. Who do you stand in for? Fucking Miami Vice? No, Don Johnson. No, I've done it for McConaughey, and I did it on the TV show Colony. It just came out. I stood in for Josh Holloway. So it's kind of tough. Can you do a McConaughey, and I did it on the TV show Colony. It just came out. I stood in for Josh Holloway. So it's kind of tough because I'll do that for him.

Can you do a McConaughey impression for us? Oh, yeah. I once did stand in for McConaughey as the after in Dallas Buyers Club. Is that a little self-deprecation? Just to remind you all that I know what I look like, too. Anyway, back to you, Brian. Could do the impression. Okay.

So this was a true story. We finished filming, and we're at the beach. Here we go again. All right. And I'm trying to get this girl to come to the comedy show, right? And I'm talking to her. McConaughey goes running by. I see him the next day at work.

He's like, hey, man, I seen you talking to a woman and a dog. Was that your girlfriend? I said, no man, I just like to go out every day and make approaches. Well, you gotta approach. You gotta go out there and approach. Then you gotta cultivate a relationship.

You water one here, you water one here, you water one here. A few might die. That's pretty good. But in the end, you got a garden. Very nice. I like that. Very nice.

True story. He really said that to you? Yeah, that's a true story. The next day at work. He's an awesome character. That's great. Why did they film that for one of those car commercials? Man, I had an idea for the car commercial.

I think that he needs to pull up in the car, and somebody needs to pull up beside him like Ellen DeGeneres and be like, all right. And then the next car pulls up, you know, and somebody's like, all right. Then a school bus pulls up, a school bus full of kids, and they're like, all right. And then the tagline would be, flattery is the bus full of kids, and they're like, alright. And then the tagline would be, flattery is

the greatest form of imitation, but there's only one original. Lincoln. Somehow you just became the gayest guy that's been on. What part of Ohio are you from?

I thought you were going to do a joke, but you just created a sincere ad. That's a good ad, though. Like Don Draper just suddenly showed up. Lincoln. You said that like a Lincoln executive would be in the room and be like, you got a deal, kid? You never know with your podcast. What else have you got? What other ideas? Well, that's it. That's. You never know. What else have you got? What other ideas?

Well, that's it. That's pretty much it. What did you think of Benny? Were you attracted to Benny? Not really. What was the audition that you went on for today? What was that for? Mercury.

Mercury? Yeah. The car? No, the stuff that's in... The planet. Insurance? He's advertising a planet. What is Mercury? No, the stuff that's in... The planet. Insurance? He's advertising a planet. What is Mercury?

Yeah, insurance. Oh. What was the part for that? I don't know. It was like a... You don't even know what you were... They needed an undertaker. Yeah, they needed a...

No, what do you mean you don't know, but you wore a tie? I don't know, but... Did they just say wear a tie? Yeah, you're working at the company. It's not a lot of... You're dressed like you're a waiter. You have a white shirt and a black tie and black pants. You're a waiter. Just tell us the truth.

You just came from Daily Cafe. What's that place called? Daily Grill. God damn it. It would have been that much funnier if I said it right, but still, you do look like you just were waiting tables. That's the truth. That's the truth.

That's the truth. I never worked for McConaughey or any of those guys. I wait tables. I think that would be a smart way to go through life and show business. Just always tell everybody you just came from an audition all the time. You got me. You just came from the Daily Grill. People will be like, hey, have you noticed how often Brian is auditioning to be a waiter?

He is always up for waiter parts. I mean, like every time I see him, even as the apron and the name tag, it's like he didn't even get the role. He's just auditioning, and he's got the name tag, the same one every time, too. It's always for Applebee's. Says his name on it. What were the topics that you covered in your minute in your minute a lot of ohio ohio you did some uh old school ohio street jokes for sure yeah john glenn neil armstrong uh

that's like you know i'm from columbus okay but what i did love as a regular ohio and i mean that joke you can never repeat that again but the the Glenn Neil Armstrong. It's like Argus. You've got to just look at it because that's like an old school Ohio. But what I did love is that Ohio, the way that you did with that thing. I don't know. Is that a street joke? Sort of. The way you did it, I sort of liked it.

You did it with swagger. What was after the Ohio thing? Starbucks. Starbucks. Yes. Osama Bin Latte. Yeah, Osama Bin Latte is when that one finally kicked in

because prior to that I thought it was just sort of a pretty typical Starbucks observation. You know what I mean? Didn't feel fresh but that Osama Bin Latte. Holy shit.

That brought it home. And then what was after that? No, you missed the transition between talking about the Wright brothers to talking about flying at the airport by going, well, you know, they did a lot of things for flight, so I'm in the airport recently. Yeah, you don't have to do that. Just do the next joke.

Like sometimes people like to have to transition everything But if the joke's funny You can just go right to the joke Yeah totally Brian Good advice What else is happening? Anything else?

Doug Benson Makes a Makes a A whole bit about Bad transitions like that I've got a segue routine I did six or seven years ago That's very funny.

Yeah, it was amazing. Will you do a little bit? It was amazing. Yeah, babies love Vegas. This is an example of this bad segway that's in the bit. You've been doing stand-up, what, like eight years or so? What's the most fun that you've had in L.A. doing stand-up? What's a crazy night?

What's something that happened? Anything interesting? I used to always do three clubs, a little bar show. When I was starting out, we'd get so plastered. Every night was wild there. I don't know. It's a good story.

Sorry, I don't got no fucking... It's like an E-True Hollywood story. Listen, man, storytelling's not my thing. I just want to speak into a microphone, just random words. They don't need to come together at any kind of point. I want you to have a sense of where the joke would fall had I told one. But, you know, part of that might be he was embarrassed by how crazy shit got, right? Sometimes you've got to just be honest on stage and tell us about that time you fucked a pig on top of a roof.

Like the roof is a weird part. I don't know. I need to add that. We don't need to know where you fucked a pig, but where did you fuck a pig? The barn. Oh, truth comes out. All right. That makes sense.

No, but the thing is if you fuck a pig in a barn and you get caught, people are like, you're a pig fucker. But if you fuck a pig on a roof and you get seen, people will be like, what the fuck is a pig doing on a roof? And then you just skirt away. That pig deserved it. Is that what you're saying? Well, a pig's on a roof.

They're walking around being all pig-like on a roof. Of course they're going to get fucked. Why is that pig on a roof they're walking around being all pig like on a roof why of course they're gonna get fucked why is that pig on the roof there is sort of something like to that i i mean if you were gonna fuck a pig it would probably be one of the best places to do it it's like on a roof because if people see you fucking a pig on a roof they're like oh my god he's gone crazy whereas if they were to catch you if they were to walk into a barn and you were like face the other way and like fucking a pig and they walk up all slow, then it's like you're the creepy secret keeping pig fucker guy.

Also, if you fuck a pig on a roof, the thing is it's hard to fuck an animal because they're going to run, you know? But if you're on a roof and the pig is faced out over 10 feet, like, he's gonna... Right. Are you guys on a pig fucking filibuster? Like, did someone

challenge you to talk about it for as long as possible? All I'm saying is he can't run. He's gonna back up right into it. What's crazy about all this... What's crazy about all this... What's crazy about all this pig talk is that your last name... Swineheart. Swineheart.

It's just a coincidence. This is getting trippy. Heart means love. Pig love. Yeah, all day, every day. I love that Neil Diamond song, turn on your swineheart! Is that... I never heard Turn on your swine heart. Is that... I never heard that.

Oh, heart light. Heart light, I meant. Okay, man. Brian, you're one of my favorite people. I love you. Thanks, Tony. Hopefully we'll see you again soon. All right.

Thank you, guys. Brian Swinehart. Thanks, dude. Brian Swinehart. He's on Twitter at Brian Swine. He's on Twitter at B Swine. He's the one and the only. I know that. B Swine. I like the energy in this room right now.

I've never really seen 90 people get that quiet all at once. But I like it. All right, we've seen this guy before. Put your hands together for him again. His name is Taylor Rizzo, everybody. All right, I was with this girl recently, and things were going well. She was on top of me, kissing on my chest, and I had my hands in her hair and I was just so in the moment and for some reason I just kissed her right on top of the head and she stopped immediately

you know I didn't know why but before I could say anything she was like uh do you just kiss me on top of the head I was like yeah is that okay she was like it's kind of weird I was like oh really sorry I guess I just thought it would be sweet she was like yeah it is sweet that's, it's kind of weird. I was like, oh, really? Sorry. I guess I just thought it would be sweet. She was like, yeah, it is sweet. That's why it's weird. I was like, oh, man, you're totally right. Like, I was weird for doing that, but I don't know how to not be that guy. Like, how do you just fuck a girl and not kiss her on top of the head and let her know she's safe?

You know? Rub your nose on her nose, flutter your eyelashes together, fucking butterfly kisses, guys. Like, that's just who I am. So, ladies, if you're trying to hook up with no strings attached, but to feel like there are tons of strings attached, yeah.

I'm your man. Boom. All right, thanks a lot, guys. Hey, Larissa. Fuck yeah. That was awesome, man. Yeah, you've been on the show a few times. Yeah, I did 30 seconds last week of just horrific.

You got pulled out last second. It wasn't good. Right, yeah. That was better. That's what happens. People come back strong. Yeah, I feel good. Doug's here.

You redeemed it, man. I did. I'm glad. You landed it. I like that. Didn't know where you were going, and then all of a sudden you fucking landed it. Well, thanks. It's basically the second half of a joke.

It's like the story portion without the setup. It's a two-minute joke, and I just told the second part of it. Sure. Maybe you should just tell that good part of the joke always. It's good. I'm excited about hearing that first minute now. You know, like a prequel. Well, it's pretty funny because I told it on the show that we did about a year ago,

but there's no way you would remember that. I was backstage going, why did I put this guy on stage? Yeah, definitely. I'm joking. He's great. See how great I am? Calm down, everybody. But so when you go to the clothing store, do you go,

I want to look like I'm performing in a prison yard? Yeah. Exactly. And would the beard say the Guantanamo Bay prison yard? I go deep with my prison yard. I like that shirt, but it also just says prison. How much maroon and gray prison uniforms do they have?

It's like if Kohl's came out with Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? How much maroon and gray prison uniforms do they have? It's like if Coles came out with Oh Brother Where Art Thou? Special release. It's pretty good. What do you keep in that one pocket? A better shirt? It's like the Boston Marathon bomber. All he went to was a rainbow when he escaped. It does look like you

bought an entire outfit that went with the beard. It looks like you bought that outfit at the barber shop. He walked in and said, what goes with this? It does. He looks like the costume at the Halloween store where it shows the person

showing the whole outfit you get. Just a mannequin? That's just a mannequin. I want to go out for Halloween as a barbershop pole. Help me out. I have to stand at an angle, though. I want to dress as a squirrel that's been run over. That's actually

bad on. That is exactly what it looks like. I want a hair piece like a Lego man. Whoa. All right. It looks all perfect. What?

My hair? No, it's just like it looks so hairspray down. He looks like Kanye West's poop finger. That's what he looks like. Whoa. I haven't gotten any of the Kanye poop finger jokes tonight. I just, the bottom line here is he said nothing in his routine that we can make fun of, so we're just attacking him.

Yeah, I just started getting roasted. Exactly. You want to be honest? I fucking like that shirt. It's a nice shirt, yeah. Yeah, I would wear that. I like that. All right.

Fuck yeah. Even the shit that you're talking shit about is nice. You know why it's creepy when you kiss girls on the head? Yeah. You kiss up here. I learned that. That's what the bit's about. You know why it's creepy when you kiss girls on the head? Yeah. You kiss up here. I learned that. That's what the bit's about. Yeah, that's what.

Yeah, I didn't know that. I just, and earlier in the bit, I talk about how I just, whenever I hook up with a girl, I just act like their boyfriend for the night. And that's just what I do. I don't know. You have to ease into it.

You can't just cuddle right away. What? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I just, I've always been like a girlfriend guy, so just sex and holding hands and stuff just goes together. Cuddling, soaking.

I'm gonna fucking kiss your head if we make out. Whoa, I like the swagger that you have. I've never, I've never seen somebody, I've never seen somebody with so much swagger

while they're wearing a chocolate fruit stripes gum shirt. You know what girls like? They like you to kiss them on the top of their head while you put two fingers in their butt at the same time. That's a super hot move. Come on, yay. Like that shirt

looks edible. Like it looks edible like you would get it at a gift shop at Willy Wonka's or something like that. I feel like this couldn't be more of a plain shirt. Is that made out of hemp? Because I'd like to smoke it. It wouldn't even get of a plain shirt. Is that made out of hemp? Because I'd like to smoke it. It wouldn't even get you high, Doug. You know what's really nice is when you coochie-coo a girl while you're fisting her.

That's always really nice. I've never fisted anyone. Which one are you going to react to? Girls like when you give them a wet willy But instead of a finger you use your dick Just put your wet dick in there So Taylor are you single right now? Yeah I'm single right now So this was an old girlfriend you were kissing on the head

No it was a girl that I Like hooked up with After a breakup I was trying to Get out there and hook up with girls And it got weird Because I just acted like their boyfriend. I'm going to kiss you on the top of the head. Now, when you have a real girlfriend, why does it usually end? Do you smother them?

Yeah, smother them. I build up stuff that's not really going on. Yeah, what's up? You guys want to date? Next time you feel like kissing the top of her head, put your hand on her head first and then kiss your own hand. Because then you did it,

but she won't know about it. That's true. Where are you finding these girls who don't realize how creepy you are when they meet you? That they actually bring you back to their apartment. How are you getting so far? Yeah.

How are you getting so far? Yeah. How are you getting a head top kissing? How are you getting a second and a half pace? It's tender. How else do people meet creepy people for sexual encounters? Oh, tender. Whose picture do you use? Back of Target. My picture. Wow.

We still love Daniel Day-Lewis in Lincoln. You know what's funny, though? Is I just, on Tinder, I just like everyone, and I've never had an Asian girl like me back. I don't think Asian girls like beards. Is that true? It is true, because we're hairless. We're, like, smooth, you know?

Yeah, I'm the opposite of hairless. It's just not equal. Yeah, you have 70s Bush. There's no equality. Yeah. You can do better than that, Tony. I've heard of a lot of 70s Bush references, but you must understand that your beard looks exactly

like 70s Bush. Other people say that for other people and it's hacky, but no, that there literally looks like 70s Bush. Which begs the question... The special kind of pubic beard that you have. There's so many male pubes on your face

that what's-his-fucking-name wants to suck your head right now. Benny wants to suck your fucking head. Benny wants to suck your head. This begs the question... Where were you educated? Did you go to a pubic high school? Is your chin circumcised? It is.

Do you shave your balls? That would be the irony of the whole thing. No, I don't. Could you solve a Rubik's cube? I can't get into the pun game. Did your dentist tell you you have a yeast infection? All right. Come on, man.

Jump in. Don't be the second Bush this week to drop out of something. Please clap. Please clap. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah, man. Ah, Taylor. What else is going on?

You've been out here doing stand-up. You've been out here a few months? Yeah, I've been out about four and a half months so far. Been on the show a few times? Yeah, a couple times. I do, yeah. I build the displays at Urban Outfitters. Oh, wow.

That's where you got the shirt. That's exactly. And the pants. Wow. 40% off. I bet. And they were on the clearance rack to start. Exactly.

These were like $3. That's how I get all my clothes. I love that. Buy better of them. Use your discount to your advantage. Yeah, it's not bad. But I like the job. It's early morning, so I can do stand-up at night.

I'm off by like 3 in the afternoon every day. Take a nap. Come home and take a nap. Yeah, sometimes if I can. Do you ever jerk off first and kiss your hand? I would have to kiss my hand before the actual stuff started happening. Get me in the mood.

I gotta know that they can handle a little sensualness. Sensuality? I don't know words too well. Do you ever shoot yourself in the beard and make a fake porno I feel like my beard is like an alien to you right now alright

you just keep staring at it yeah you can touch it if you want no thanks isn't his time done he needs to go that's it Taylor Rizzo Taylor Rizzo

Taylor Rizzo Great stuff Best set ever on this show At Taylor Rizzo He's got a good cream catcher Yeah Good cum couch Let's move on to our regulars now

And maybe if we have time we'll pull another one out of the bucket at the very end. We have two regulars who perform a brand new minute every single week on the show, and they've both been on the show for a few months now, and it's fun to watch them grow, and it's a fun fucking thing, always, week to week. Ups and downs and craziness of watching a comedian grow in the deep pits of the belly room.

They do a brand new minute every single week, and they don't get pulled out of the bucket. Going up first tonight, Kill Tony Regular, one of our favorite people. Peering in together for Melissa Esslinger, everybody. So I played baseball for 12 years when I was growing up. It was no offense to softball players, but I didn't want to be a cheerleader or a lesbian. But actually I played because when I was 8 years old, one of my coaches killed himself. And I told that fucker I wasn't going to be a quitter. So I played for a long time.

Being the only girl playing baseball was cool. When I would run out of the dugout, the coach would always slap the dude's butts and get to me and just like awkwardly pat me on the head. I was actually asked out while playing once, like during a game I was playing shortstop. The guy was running on second base and he was like, hey girl, you want a boyfriend? I was like, no. He was like, I'm packing. We were like 12, so I don't know. I was like, we're packing, what, a lunch?

I don't know. I thought packing something meant a gun. I don't know. You got it, Melissa Esslinger. Wow, fun, great,linger. Wow. Fun. Great. Love it. So likable. I love that patting on the top of the head joke and that's so

awesome. You know, hard jokes to write is when you're trying to really talk about your past and you and you're not just floating out stuff that is routine. It's a good topic and those were solid jokes.

Did it ever cross your mind? Did you watch The Last Guy? No, I wasn't a fan. That's the thing. If you are in the back of the room and you see the other comics, when you did that routine and it ended on a padding on the head, you could have said, at least he didn't kiss me on top of my head.

It would have been like a big laugh and a fun... I don't know. It seemed to just get mutters when you just said it right there. No, no. I don't know if it really would have got that. You're a professional comedian. That's what I'm saying. It would have been perfect when she said it, but I was really leading up to it too much. I know.

But you're a professional comedian. Yeah. Like it couldn't have been said any better than you just said it. He's also a professional weed smoker. That's true. Yeah. But anyway. Yeah. But I mean, but that's interesting that you say, oh, I didn't see him.

Because that's part of when you're doing stand-up. It's like knowing what came before you can influence your performance and help you or warn you about things that are going to happen. To be honest, I ate carnies earlier and I should have. Oh, she ate carnies, you guys. Don't go eating that fucking shit train. What did you eat at carnies? Some fries.

That's rough. Whoa, the carnies horn, everybody. When you want delicious hot dogs, carnies. In a new special promotion with Kill Tony. I'm curious. All aboard the diarrhea train. Making stops now and now and now.

I had diarrhea on my couch yesterday Wait what? I was in my Laying around until 8pm Just having diarrhea every 10 minutes yesterday On your couch? I had a little bit The way that you said that

I was on my couch watching Kajimusha The Kira Kurosawa 1980 film That'll give anybody diarrhea. Watching whatever. And I thought it was a fart, you know. And then just like a little droplet came out. I had to fucking clean up shit off my couch. Have you thought about wearing pants?

I was wearing boxers. Right. Came through. I was just,ers. It came through. The diarrhea, it was just like a light went off. I'm like, I had diarrhea all day yesterday. We have somebody here who can clean that up for you. Benny! We need some tongue action.

Points for Esther, too, on this reverse episode of At Midnight. Well, that was fun. You did it again. Another new minute from Melissa Esslinger, everybody. Great job! She's on the poster, too. Our other regular also been on the show for a couple months

now. Put your hands together for her. The always fun stylings of the one and only Vanessa Johnston everybody hey guys um they say you can fix most things with a hammer well I have pretty girl problems which luckily can also be fixed with a hammer. Being really pretty and really ugly are the same. Nobody cares about your personality. Being average has its benefits like if you

accomplish anything people would think it's a miracle I could build a rocket ship solve world hunger cure cancer and people would be like what a slut wow holy shit that's amazing so fucking awesome that was fucking hilarious thank you you're pretty you're pretty

you're pretty and funny yeah that was so great i guess like all the while like that's sort of the tone and everything that i've been talking about like i i always have said like i can't wait to see what kind of jokes you're doing when you start like owning you know being pretty and that's amazing that's like so funny and it's so so you know original too because there's nobody that can really, there's not really. Is that, do you do a lot of it, too? There's nobody that can really. Soul.

Soul. Last thing I want to do is contribute to some ugly female comics blog tomorrow. Tony Hinchcliffe says, there aren't that many stunning fucking comedians. I mean, there's a difference. There's a lot of good-looking comedians. Anyway, yeah, that was fun. Greg, is this your first time seeing Vanessa? Yeah, I was going to ask you,

is that your material normally, or is this a new thing? No, it's new. It was really hard for me to write it this week just because I felt so like... It's hard doing it not being gross. You know what I mean? Yeah, I know.

I'd be like... Oh, no. Yeah. I think Esther might have liked that one. No, I totally agree. What's cool about both you and Melissa's sets tonight is the jokes that I saw you do, and when I saw Melissa do the joke about the... Just the way she said, and she's so innocent about the patting on the butts,

and she got patted on the head. I could almost see those being definite lock-them-down, like showcase set type of jokes for years to come in your career. So fun, cool little thing. You know what I mean? Both jokes that establish both of their styles and who they are from the get. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I'm A material. It better be A material because that's a tough fucking premise. If you're a black guy and you go on stage and you make jokes about being a black guy, you're a fucking black guy. But if you say you're really pretty and people are just – they don't buy into it, then you're – people think you're just a fucking snotty girl. Yeah, that joke's only going to last like two or three years. I know. Oh, no. Shit.

Oh, God damn it. No. No. No. If you would have told me that out of nowhere Brian would say the meanest thing in the history of this show, I never would have thought that.

But somehow you just passed up hundreds of evil pinch clips. Because once I get her pregnant, she's not going to look the same. Oh my god, Brian! Brian, you are disgusting. It's a great Tracy Morgan impression. Vanessa, anything else?

How's life? Everything good? Great. Thank you. Fun times. Vanessa Johnson, everybody. Well, you know what? It was a fun episode, guys. We made it through. I don't think we really have time. Do we?

One quick one? You guys want one more? Oh, bonus comic! One last one. Put your hands together for Pat House, everybody. Pat House, everybody. Pat House. Pat House has left the house. Wow.

I mean, he did say that you were done with... Naveed Sultan? Maybe draw another one. Yeah, let's be good. Every comic left. Anthony Moulet. Richie Gaines. There he is. Yeah, here we go.

Hi. I'm a smoker, which is bad. It's not the worst thing in the world. I could be like a blogger that tells people I'm a real writer or could make up buzzwords like grief shaming. Heard that one the other day. Grief shaming, what is that? What do you like, go to a funeral, someone's crying,

you're like, hey, I'm sorry for your loss. Pussy. What the hell is grief shaming? Strip clubs. How do we feel about them? Great. My recommendation on strip clubs, I don't go often, but if you do go, I recommend go with a virgin. Now that's a good time. I went to a strip club with a virgin. Going to a strip club with The Virgin is a lot like doing a Make-A-Wish, but at the end you have the cure. I think that's a minute now. It's 48 seconds.

Want to stop there? Richie Gaines, everybody. Fuck yeah. Richie Gaines. Getting it. Richie, how's life going? It's going pretty good. I just started a job today.

Oh, yeah? What's the new job? Coffee shop. Coffee shop. Coffee shop. Which one? It's in Atwater Village. Some French.

You don't even know the name of it? Yeah, it's some French thing. It's definitely not Intelligentsia then. Can't think of the coffee place? Richie, we are ending the show. We squeezed you up at the very, very end. We ran out of time completely. Good job. Have a good night.

Good job. What's coming up? Greg Fitzsimmons, what do you got going on? We got Philadelphia, Atlanta, and Dallas over the next three weeks. Fitzdog.com. Fitzdog.com, one of my favorite podcasts. Whoa, look at that. Drawing from Ryan J. Ebelts, everybody.

I have a robot head around me. That's pretty cool. That's incredible. That's so cool. Esther Koo. Esther Koo. I'm at Harris Casino March 3rd in Atlantic City. Follow me, Esther Koo Koo.

Koo and the Gang podcast. Doug Benson, Esther Cuckoo. Coo and the Gang podcast. Doug Benson, everybody. Come on. Please clap. Douglovesmovies.com Lots of stuff coming up. Douglovesmovies.com Pat Reagan.

I love him. Patty Reagan. He just dropped a brand new video today with ReaganandWatkins.com. We love Reagan and Watkins. Patty Reagan, the best. Josh Martin is Josh Martin Comic. Ryan J. Bell, Brian Redband.

Thank you, everybody. Thank you, live audience. Make some noise one last time as the episode fades away into nothingness. All of a sudden. Outro Music We're done, motherfucker. Let's start static. Not a right hand, because I'm a hand itself. Every time, I pull an eight here on the shelf. Give me a message. Give me a message. Give me a message.

Give me a message. Give me a message. Give me a message. Give me a message. Give me a message. Give me a message. Give me a message. Give me a message.

Give me a message. Give me a message. Give me a message. Give me a message. Give me a message. Give me a message. Give me a message. Amen.