KILL TONY - KILL TONY #145

Episode Date: March 8, 2016

Anthony Jeselnik, Chris Porter, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Jeremiah Watkins, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 02/29/2016 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Don't forget to go to Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com, for all the official merchandise and tour dates of the Golden Pony himself, Tony Hinchcliffe. And subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Search the iTunes store for Kill Tony and hit subscribe. And don't forget to rate and review the show. We need some reviews

and ratings, guys. Just put Olive Garden. Who cares? Just review it. Also, if you go to DeathSquad.TV, you'll click on tour dates to see all the live shows we do.

Now, not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the world-famous comedy store, but we do the roast battle, verbal violence, every Tuesday, and every first and third Friday of every month, we're at the Ice House in Pasadena, California, for the Death Squad comedy show. So Monday, Kill Tony, Tuesday, verbal violence, roast battle,

and first and third Friday of every month, we are at the Ice House. Huge announcement. This Friday, Death Squad is going to be back in Texas. Friday, we're in Houston, Texas. George Perez, myself, Wendy Starling, and Ryan Doon are going to be at the House of Blues. Friday, March 11th. And then, Saturday and Sunday, we are going to be in Austin, Texas.

And Saturday, we have this special show. They're having a thing called Glamour Puss, which is Christina Hutchinson and Wendy Starling. You might know Christina Hutchinson. She's the co-host of the Guys We Fuck podcast. Well, Glamour Puss is a comedy variety show, and it's hosted by those two. And it's supposed to be really cool,

and me and George Perez are going to be guests on it. So that starts at 7 o'clock, and then it's followed by a Death Squad comedy show with not only Christina and Wendy, but George Perez, myself, and Ryan Doon. So, Houston, Texas, this Friday at the House of Blues, and then Austin, Saturday and Sunday at the Spider House Ballroom.

All these tickets can be found by going to DeathSquad.tv and clicking on Tour Dates, and that's this weekend, guys. So get on it. Wake up, Texas. And then the following week, we are going to be in San Jose, California. Death Squad is doing a dirty show there, March 18th and 19th. Two shows. This time we're bringing Kate Quigley. She just got off the Avian Awards.

George Perez, myself, and Frank from Verbal Violence. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. And last but not least, don't forget ShopSquad.tv for all the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. Alright guys, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band. I'm here live from the real famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 3. Get up for Tony. It's me, everybody.

Oh, my goodness. Wow, it must be Monday night. Feel that fun energy. Who has more fun than us on a Monday, guys, huh? Nobody. Welcome to the show, everyone. Happy Monday to you. Keep it going for the amazing styles of Pat Reagan.

How was it in here, Pat? Was it fun tonight? I'm having fun, yeah. What's the book about? I'm just doing some light reading. I got infinite jest here. Okay. Fuck yeah.

What's that about? It's about, it takes place at a tennis academy and at an addict's halfway house in a fictional town of Innet, Massachusetts.

You're reading a book while being the bandleader tonight. I just thought I'd mix it up a little tonight. Do you think you're that good of a bandleader to where you can now read books during the job? Well, you know, Tony, it's about a thousand-page book, and I want to get through with it before I die. So the only way to do that is I like, I'm reading at stoplights, and it's unfortunately bled into comedy shows now.

I feel like Pat's character on this show who, you know, how long have you been with us now? 35 years. About 35 years now. And when he started, a lot of people didn't like him. You know, a lot of people are anti-guitar comic. I'm a grower, not a shower. And you really are.

You have won over a lot of people. I get a lot of tweets positive about you now. Yeah, more than negative. Yeah. But I feel like times like this with the book thing and the weird start to this episode, I feel like we're going to get some hate tweets about this. You're going backwards. I feel like you're going the wrong direction. Well, I bring on any hate tweets from

mouth breathers out there in the ether. That's right. You Twitter trolls. He's calling for you. Lord knows he'll read your tweets. Probably while being the band leader on the live podcast. Put your hands together for house artist Ryan J. Ebelt, everyone.

Every single week, he has a blank sheet of paper in front of him like he does right now. And at the end of tonight's episode, you're going to see what he drew because it's going to be tonight's episode. He always draws us and the guests. Keep it going for Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen.

What's up, guys? The master of sound. Last week was a lot of fun, man. I just re-listened to last week's episode. Maybe the best episode we've had so far. Yeah, hot fire. Two and a half years. A lot of people, you might not know this.

This may be your first time, but you are at the ranked number one live podcast in the world right now. Yes, live audience. Your vote means nothing. You are less than 1% of the overall listenership of this show

is the people in this room right now. You mean basically less than nothing. Whether you laugh or not, it really has no bearing on how good the actual episode of the podcast is. Yeah, you tell them. Keep it going for the great.

On the HD camera in the back, the one, the only, Jamie Yeah, you tell him. Keep it going for the great. On the HD camera in the back, the one, the only, Jamie Vernon, ladies and gentlemen. Super producer, Superman. And with his new, I just came back from Vancouver and I saw this new bleach blonde hairstyle over here.

What the? It's like he was dipped into cum or something like that. He looks like Justin Timberlake in the late 90s. Yeah, it looks bad. It looks like somebody put dipped into cum or something like that. He looks like Justin Timberlake in the late 90s. Yeah, it looks bad. It looks like somebody put bleach in your helmet. Yeah.

And pranked you. Little pony boy. I love that. It's adorable. I've never seen somebody have the natural haircut of Dusty Rhodes before. It's impressive. You were bombing, sir. 0 for 1

from the middle. I got you sniped, too. I caught you right at the end of saying it. We'll see if you chime in anymore. Let's do it. Let's bring out one of tonight's guests. How about that? Does that sound fair? We're going to do one now and bring up the other one in about a half hour. Is that cool?

Monday night. I think you can do a little bit better than that. Can you? I think I think you can even do a little bit better than that. We're in together for the great Chris Porter, everybody. Here we go, motherfuckers. Last Comic Standing, his own special on Netflix, another special on Amazon Prime. It's the one, the only Chris Porter. Welcome back to the show. Hello.

Thank you for the guitar riff. Sorry to interrupt your reading. You got to do that rock and roll show recently, didn't you? I feel like I saw a picture of you singing or something, right? Oh, shit gets weird on the Kid Rock Cruise. Is that where you were? Too much fucking cocaine and margaritas. Next thing you know, you're singing The Wait with the band of heathens.

I can't imagine. Bad old chestnut. I can't imagine what that hot tub must smell like on that cruise ship. It's HPV and shame, mainly. Jesus. You say HPV and a ball drops. That's usually how you get it. That was the magic phrase.

Unbelievable. We haven't had one of those in a long time. HPV? No, we all have that. Oh, I see that. The old ball drop. I'm a host. So we're going to have fun. We're going to talk to comedians like we always do, and we're going to be joined by our other guests in about 30 minutes.

Is that cool with you guys? We've already asked that question like five times. Then let's start the show, everybody. You ready to do this shit? Here we fucking go. Let's just get into it. Comedians, you all signed up to do 60 seconds on this stage tonight. About 40 comedians signed up for the chance to perform here

in front of you, live audience. Many, many listeners of this amazing fucking show. Comedians, you know your time is up at 60 seconds when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, did you hear that? Listen to it one more time. You have to do it louder when I say the one more time thing.

There you go. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood revenant bear. Oh my God. Oh my God, he's got an assault rifle tonight. Who gave that bear an assault rifle? And who gave the bear

so much problem that he had to go buy an assault rifle? Leonardo DiCaprio is what I've been told. That's some long distance. Some guy fucked up a bear so bad that that dude ran to a gun show and bought a fucking AK. It's the West Hollywood bear. He skipped to a gun show. There was just a tragedy somewhere today, right?

What did I see? What happened today? Yeah, I had a stomach ache. Oh, Pat. You know what I did do? I had a toilet paper roll and I wiped my ass and then I threw the toilet paper roll in the toilet by mistake. You know, I throw the toilet paper roll in the toilet

every time I go to a public bathroom and there's just air dryer machines. Because I hate air dryer machines more than anything and I want them to know that if they're trying to save paper I'm going to throw a toilet paper roll in the toilet every single time. Why do you hate hand dryers?

A lot of reasons. First of all, they're stupid as hell. You have to wait like two minutes. None of them work efficiently. The Dyson one does. The Dyson one's badass. The Dyson one where you go like that? No, it doesn't. It does, too.

You got to go slow. You got to go in. It's like you fucking put it in and then you just slide it out. You know what also works? Your pants. You just ever do that? The old pant wipe? That's for you.

Or a neighbor's pants. Yeah. That's true. Suck it off. That's also a conversation starter. I like to karate chop into the Dyson Airblade. And also when you hit the button, it's the most annoying

noise of all time. We can put people on the moon, but they haven't figured out how to play Kanye's new album when you hit go on the air dryer. I'd rather hear the air dryer than fucking anything Kanye's been doing lately. Pat, I keep noticing

that you're flipping the other direction. He's Chinese. He's Chinese. That's how they read. He's acting like he can read the whole thing. Yeah.

Pat. Yes? You're going the other way, and that's an English book. I'm going the other what now? You're going the other way in your book. When you say other way, what's the way?

Left to right, and you're going right to left. Well, he has it upside down also, so maybe that's why. Really? No, he doesn't. Okay, guys, I think we lost track of the show at some point. And you know what? I take responsibility for that. You guys ready to get tonight's show started or what?

60 seconds of comedy. And then we talk to them. Maybe we punch up what you said. Maybe we ask you a question about your life. We just figure out something more about you that maybe you could talk about. You go from being a performer to a guest

in no time at all. This sounds like a fake name, but I'm going to say it anyway. Put your hands together for Mrs. Excellence. Woo! How the fuck did that happen? Fuck! Dude, my friend was in Mighty Ducks. He played Goldberg.

He's like, you know, you really remind me of Roseanne and I was like so you either think I'm really funny or just fat and white trash or maybe I'm both I don't know I'm like a really big fan of picking my nose but like I think it's fucking gross when I see somebody else doing it and I'm like that guy's fucking picking his nose and eating it in his car. I wonder what that shit tastes like. I don't know. It's pretty crazy. I'm married, which means I never have sex. We did it the other day.

Because I have to wait another month to do it again. You guys really like that one? That's a good one. Awesome. Let's see, let's see. I hosted the High Times Cannabis Cup this past one. That's right, second time, second time hosting. Everyone's like, oh, is that it?

Yeah. All right, I won't finish it there. Mrs. Excellence. Hello. What up? I can't believe you guys called me. You signed up for the show. Fuck yeah, dude.

You are shocked. I was fucking surprised. You said, this is not a real name. I was like, it's me. We were there. We saw the shock. Yeah. Really amazed.

I like how you came up and immediately name dropped dude you know and it didn't even need it for the joke you're just like I know a guy from Mighty Ducks anyway and like he's like the worst like

who wants to admit you're friends with him by the way I know him he doesn't even want people knowing that he was Goldberg on the Mighty Ducks every time he walks into a room they quack at him are you off balance right now is there like something going on

with the stage right here you're wearing Adidas tennis shoes but you're acting like you're in high heels right now I can't even believe that you called me up here I'm just in shock again your name on this piece of paper it happened for me acting like you're in high heels right now. I can't even believe that you called me up here. I'm just in shock. Again, your name on this piece of paper. Fuck! It happened for me. Mrs. Excellence. I'm not

exactly sure what the excellence part of that is. I can tell you if you want to know. Horse of Truth is out. I can tell you. I make a cannabis topical called Mrs. Excellence's It's the Bomb Healing Sub and I won first place in the Cannabis Cup. Holy shit. That's pretty rad.

I always wondered what you went and did with yourself after being the middle square on Hollywood Squares for so long. Bruce Galanj. Is that a J.J. Bullock? It's a Bruce Galanj basketball right down the middle. Hey, hey! So, Mrs. Excellence, how many times have you done stand-up comedy before?

I do a show every other Thursday at the Headroom Gallery. So I do like an hour and a half because nobody ever shows up to do comedy. An hour and a half of what? Mrs. Excellence. I usually just like tell stories. I think the reason why nobody shows up

is because you're doing an hour and a half of comedy. Maybe. They like it. They prefer it when I sing. They're like, sing, don't tell jokes. Like nursery rhymes? No, like,

I'll just like break out into like Tyrone or I'll rap and stuff. Wow, that's, that sounds hilarious. You know, it's funny. They let you have a microphone at the show? Dude, they like totally, they like asked me to do it.

Wow. After I begged them to let me. How many people are in the audience at this? About 40. How good is this place's pot to where 40 people will sit there? It's pretty good. Dude, I'm like convinced they come for just the weed. I feel like you would be the person that they bring in to kill everybody's buzz so that they buy more pot.

Right? Thank you. You just keep buying pot. That gets an O. Really? You travel. Have you ever gotten high in a hotel room and watched like an hour and a half of Kardashians on accident? And then you're like, what the fuck did I do with my life?

They did it, but it was live. They're just like, please sing or something. It's a lot of fun. It's fun. I can't stop watching. Do you really like to pick your nose? Is that a thing that you like to do? Who doesn't like to get boogers out of their nose?

I agree. Do you eat them? No. No? No, but my kid does. And I'm like, ew, I caught you. Do you flick them? I flick them.

I put them on my husband at night. You have kids? I have two kids. I thought you just took care of them? I flick them. I put them on my husband at night. You have kids? I have two kids. I thought you just took care of the Muppet babies. Is that the right lady or am I thinking magic school bus? You are so funny. It's one or the other. You are very funny. Where's the

cannabis cup that you're talking about? It was at the National Orange Show and then I also hosted in San Bernardino. It was five days. And then I also hosted in San Francisco. Oh, okay. Yeah. Why is it called the National Orange Show if it's in San Bernardino?

You know, I don't know. It's like a really big place. It's not even the same county. You know, good question. I didn't name the place. She said Orange. I thought she meant the county. Yeah.

They call it the NOS Center, National Orange Show Center. Now, were you performing in San Bernardino when that shooting happened? Guys, what are you talking about? Let me tell you something. They just came right for me. I can tell there's a lot of new people here tonight. I want to welcome you

with a warm heart to my show. This is like the warmest welcome I've ever had. Shut up, Mrs. Exler. Yeah. Yeah, I took Ex-Lawyer. Yeah. Yeah, I took the gun from the bear. Look, you can make any noise that you want. Just none of that aw shit. We're just getting started here tonight.

I don't think you're going to want to be awing and boo-hooing when our other guest arrives. So if you don't stop, I'm going to call them off. You guys made me Brody up there for a second. How dare you do that to me? You know what I've done? You don't get it.

All right. Mrs. Excellence, it was nice meeting you. Thanks. What else do you want? You want comedy advice? You want help with anything? You want comedy advice? You want help with anything? You want life advice? I mean, I missed my therapy today.

You did? What do you go to therapy for? I'm about to make you guys all sad. No, don't do it, Mrs. Excellence. Are you going to do your 60 seconds again? No, I'm just going to go shoot myself. It's cool. No, I'm just kidding.

No, you're not. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm not suicidal anymore. You already died once tonight. Don't do it again. I love it. There she goes. Thank you.

Mrs. Excellence, everybody. Everybody. Mrs. Excellence is on Twitter at Ms. Double Z Excellence Pat you're really focused on that book you're going extra mellow on the acoustic tonight he didn't even notice

alright I pulled another name out of the bucket again I really hope that this is real. Sometimes I see these names and I'm like, Mrs. Excellence, alright, somebody faked that, you know what I mean? I hope this is real. Long Yu.

Hey, I'm Long Yu and I suffer from a severely Chinese name. Yeah, I, uh, you know, billions of people have it. I don't know why you're laughing. So, uh, you know, since I'm half black and half Asian, this right here is just a huge mystery zone. People are always trying to give me estimates like I'm Bob Barker on The Price is Right.

Yeah, so since I'm half black and half Asian and I was actually pretty poor growing up, my college's diversity brochure is just me in eight different poses. Yeah. Y'all see Hillary do the whip on Ellen? Yeah? I know, right?

It's crazy how white people can ruin whipping for a second time. I'm good, yeah. That's it. That's it. 59 seconds. 59 seconds. Long U. I love it when we. That's it. 59 seconds. 59 seconds. Long you. I love it when we get these good performances.

Your name should be Mr. Excellence. Because you're actually really good. Thanks. It's not as funny when they're funny. Yeah. It's crazy because either way it's funny. Either it's funny or after. I mean, it's still funny right now.

Along you, you are definitely, for example, the funniest Somali boat pirate we've ever had on the show. Oh, shit. Right? You are the captain now, sir. Thanks. Very, very funny. You've been doing stand-up a while, huh?

For about a year. Wow. You've been going hard? Yeah. How are you so funny? Where are you from? How hard are you? I'm from Compton. Compton. So you've been doing it in LA?

Yeah. I started here. You started here at the store? I did my first set back at College and Amherst. Yeah. And I came here. My first set was at the Iowa West last year. So mom Asian,

dad black, and how is that even possible? Other way around, dude. That's how it works. Shut the fuck up. Chinese dude, are you serious? Nobody believes that Chinese people have dicks, man. Come on. They got them. Is that how it happened?

She was like, no fucking way you got a dick. The next thing you know. Right there in the back of the fucking barbecue joint. Just getting it on. Oh, my God. Asian guy, black woman. I bet she didn't tell anybody.

I never even thought that that was possible at all. That would be the rarest combination out of any race relationship. Look you guys, it's a fucking unicorn. It really is. Make a wish. You're actually rarer than a unicorn

because I've been seeing unicorns off and on my entire life. But I've never really heard of an Asian guy fucking a black chick. What kind of Asian? My dad's Chinese. Wow, that's super Asian. It's about as Asian as it gets.

That's not even Filipino. How black is your mom? Is she like... She's blacker than most people. What's her name? That's a great answer. What's her first name? Does she have a cool black name? Well, no. It's

Janice. My mom's black and her name is Janice. It always gets the black people to laugh when I ask. She's from Belize. Wow. Super black from Belize. Wow. Super black and super Asian. That's real black. How did they meet?

How did this actually go down? Because there's no way that this isn't funny. It's absolutely impossible. Or that there wasn't a wager involved. Was it a car accident with a stolen car? If y'all... That's racist on so many levels.

I explain all this in my longer sets, but my mom and dad went to high school together in South Central. Really? Yeah. Your dad's gotta be the hardest Chinese dude ever. He's in the crypts.

Like he has a rap name. And it's not fucking terrible. Lil Chingy. That actually is a rapper, right? Chingy is. Steel Rice. The 90s were crazy, yo. Rice chocolate.

That's some amazing shit. I just feel honored to be in your presence. You're welcome. Why do you think they named you Long? Oh, my dad's name is also Long. His name is Long. Yeah. Long means dragon in Chinese.

Wow. So you're Long Yu Jr. Yeah, but actually my dad didn't like the name Long, so he actually changed his name and left me with Long. Is he huge? Is he huge, Yu? His name is Jonathan Young now. Sorry for just telling everybody my dad's name.

No, but it's fucking interesting. If you met a unicorn, we'd be like, fucking how'd this happen? For one year, you're totally unicorn, we'd be like, fucking, how'd this happen? For one year, you're totally amazing, man. I've barely seen many people that have done a year that did such a good set like you did. Fantastic. Unbelievable. This kid, Tony.

And I also love when they say your name and then you walk up because, especially initially, you look more black than Asian. You're like, what the fuck? And then you fucking write first line. You're like, here it is.

Boom. And they're like, alright. I'm fine with it and now I can actually listen to all the things you're saying. Yeah, I feel like I always have to get that out of the way. I have to explain my existence to people. Yeah, absolutely. What do your parents do for work if you don't mind me asking? My mom works at USC.

And his dad sells self-help videos to Chinese dudes. Hey, you want to fuck a black chick? I did it. They made millions. Yeah. So she's a teacher at USC? Nah, she works at the dining hall, man. Wow.

So she's literally a black lunch lady. That's like one of the coolest. Those are always the coolest lunch ladies. Tell me your dad does yard maintenance. Very close, dude. Plumber, electrician. Fucking nailed it. Holy shit.

You're pretty good at that, Chris. I'm doing my whole autobiography up here. Wow, you have an interesting everything packed. So when the kids eat the lunch that's served, and then they go and clog the toilet Wow, it's like they see the whole family Then you see it's a family reunion

Oh jeez You should go back to reading backwards Back to the book Great book Long you, it was nice meeting you It was a pleasure Thanks for having me. Good kid.

His name's Long. I wonder if his... Alright. Forget it. If his dick's big? Yeah, I'll save that one for some other time. It's a long joke. No, not that. It literally is. Put your hands together for Keith Ray, everybody.

Keith Ray. Keith Ray. So I like white trash women, but it never works out. Like, sure, they'll keep me around while I refill a prescription or drive their dad to the VA hospital. Then suddenly we have nothing in common. It's like, I understand I went to college, but I also did meth and air duster and didn't even use my t-shirt to filter the shit. I do most of my grocery shopping at the gas station.

Why don't you fucking love me? I don't get it. Like, only a white trash woman can have you in a liquor store parking lot screaming into your phone my mom wants robbed me to pay a bar tab we can make it work it's I do I do say love them I love white trash women man because their titties always look like you think they're gonna you know it's important to me. Fuck yeah. Keith Ray. Funny dude. Where are you from? I'm from Indianapolis. Indianapolis.

Oh, yeah. That's fun. How long have you been in L.A.? Two weeks. Do you live here now? Yeah, I live in a hostel in, like, Southern Hollywood or whatever that is. Southern Hollywood. I don't fucking...

Koreatown. I don't understand the neighborhoods. Soho. What is Soho? Is that not Soho? Southern Hollywood. Is don't fucking... Koreatown? I don't understand the neighborhoods. Soho. What is Soho? Is that Soho? Southern Hollywood. Is that gay Asians? There's a bunch of fucking noobs out there.

Yeah. I live by a bunch of furniture stores. Did you just get off work? No. Because you look like the manager of every TGI Fridays ever. Yeah. Yeah. I also think that you look like every guy

that sells swords on infomercials late at night. We're doing a mega deal. In a van down by the river. 48 swords. Three pages. One time only. Why don't my parents love me?

The pewter handles are back. I said we'd never get them, but they are back again. And they really are. That guy, whoever that guy is, is so fucking good that sometimes I'm like, maybe I need 50 swords. How many times have you been in a funny bone condo just going, I need 98 knives? It's unbelievable, but the guy's so good. But for $58, it is a good fucking deal. Keith, do you always wear a tie on stage?

Yeah. Do you have a job? A little bit of effort goes a long way when you're obese. So I like to dress nice. It's true. But if you put a little bit of effort in other places, you probably wouldn't be obese. Good point.

Who needs a treadmill when you have a clip-on tie? No, you can see it. It's all lucid. It's good. For the audio-only listeners. He's got a good knot there. Good thing you have the tie on. If not, you'd be dressed like the curtain behind you. But I... Just a floating head screaming.

God damn it. And that'd almost be funnier. You're super funny and I almost think the outfit does kind of. God damn it. And that'd almost be funnier. You're super funny and I almost think the outfit does kind of add something to it. Totally, totally, yeah. Because I do feel like you just got off work

and you're pissed off at people that want too many snackatizers. What kind of jobs have you had? What have you done? I bartend. Bartend?

Mostly bartend, right? I cook. You do? Yeah. You're pitching it. Instead of answering the question, you're saying it like, I'm going to hire you for something. I can cook.

I can clean up. I've talked on the phone. When you're on the road, maybe you could throw me a few bucks. I could crash there. And just a hint, if someone asks you where you live, leave the in a hostel part out of it. Yeah, dummy. We all live in hostels.

We just don't brag about it. I like living with like 20 fucking weird people. It's fun. Yeah, but chicks don't dig it. Yeah, it's true. I'm just trying to help you out. My address is going to help me get laid. Did you hear? Well, no, I'm just

saying. Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. Well, yes, it will. Yeah, your address will help you get laid. Yeah. It will? Yeah. By the way, if you just told a girl, like, yeah, I live in Soho. First of all, their mind would be blown because that's a neighborhood nobody's even

heard of before. You just invented that. I've been here ten years, and I've never heard anyone say the word Soho once. You've been here two weeks, and you're already dropping that shit. I think you could do some shit. You're such a likable guy. I feel like if I pulled on your tie,

water would squirt at me or something like that. Oh, that's hilarious. Do you know Miss Pat? Or his head would spin around and he would tell us about car deals. They always seem to put me up right before Miss Pat. Yeah, you seem like you guys would work good together. Then she makes fun of me for the whole first five minutes of what was supposed to be a five-minute set.

Yeah. Yeah, I love Miss Pat. She's wonderful. Stick to your time, Miss Pat! Yeah. So what do you keep in that pocket right there? Cigarettes. Really? What kind of cigarettes do you smoke?

Absolutely. Camel Lights. This dude is genuine to the fucking teeth. Of course he smokes. Is that Chris Farley's motivational speaker character come to life? Yeah, man. A little bit. Never once have I been compared to Chris Farley.

I really appreciate that. It's the first time, believe it or not. I think it was just mostly talking about shape. He just woke up. No, I love Pat. He's great. I love the show. Let me ask you a question.

When's the last time you got really angry? Because one thing that's blatantly funny about you is the way that you yell about things and get angry about things. Ladies and gentlemen, your second guest, returning guest, the great Anthony Jezlemek, ladies and gentlemen. Fuck yeah, buddy. One of our favorites. He's back.

The best. The great. Well, I just got here, but that was terrible. Thank you. Oh, man. Keith, we're pretty much through talking with you, and that was a great... What's wrong, Keith? What's wrong, Keith?

Is everything okay? Well, you asked me what the last time I really got really mad. It was at myself. It was at myself. For buying that tie? Now for wearing it. But I was really pissed at myself. I went to Stanhope's house on the way out to California,

and he made me perform. Jason Stanhope? Doug Stanhope. Oh, okay. Keith, is this story less than 60 seconds? Yes. Okay. But I got mad at myself because I wrote this really great thing.

I thought it was good. I was proud of it. About my mom and the N-word. It's a suicide note? Sounds like a suicide note. And that was the one shot I had where I could actually have just said it instead of saying N-word. Because he's not going to ban me from the fun house. Jason Stanhope?

Keith Ray, everybody. There he goes. Keith Ray. He's on Twitter. It's Salty underscore Gin. Anthony, he was funnier before you got here. Hey, you forgot your drink. I don't know if his mic's on. Is my mic on that tie joke should have killed. Anthony,

welcome back. We've had some... Do you want a drink? No, I'm good with water. Thank you. Anthony, you've done the show before. We've dissected some people together. We had a lot of fun. Welcome back.

You're half right. The fun part, it was only me having fun. You're right. I'm glad that you're back. We have a band now. Was the band here last time you were here? I don't know if I would call that a band. But no, it was not.

Is he reading a book? Yeah. He's reading Infinite Jest. By this douchebag that killed himself. Are you reading the footnotes at the end while you're reading it? I'm flipping through the footnotes, yes. Okay, so you're really into this. Yeah. There's no time to

read these days, so I gotta bring it with me to shows. That is not true. Great. I pulled the name out of the bucket. The first comedian for this name out of the bucket. The first comedian for this second part of the show. I think I'm going to say this right. Wait, wait, before you do that,

how many do we have left? Not that I'm not into this. We have however many however many as we can get through in 50 minutes. Okay, great. Put your hands together for Josh Su. Wait,

why is there a band if you're going to do that? I know, it really doesn't make sense. I asked myself that question. That is fair. It's the only thing that keeps us off of YouTube, by the way. Fun fact is the music, right? fair. It's the only thing that keeps us off of YouTube, by the way. Fun fact is the music, right? Yeah, that's the only thing. We can't even get a deal with YouTube. Put your hands together for Derek Mokia, something like that.

If your name is Derek, come to the stage. At this point, I think it's the song. All right. Nobody can follow that rage against the machine energy. All right, I know this guy's here. Thanks for explaining my joke. We've seen him on the show a few times. Funny guy, Darren Davis, ladies and gentlemen. It's rude to ask how old people are.

So I'll circle around the question and ask them how cheap was gas growing up. The cheaper the price, the older they are. I learned that question was rude after watching the movie Titanic. Because actually a bunch of elderly people, they're around to see that ship sink. But Titanic taught me one thing. And that's rich white people also hate broke white people. And I had one question the whole time.

Don't broke lives nine out of two. But we need to start treating people a little bit better. So I'm bringing chivalry back. I'm taking this thing called acting classes. They teach me to act like I give a fuck. Yeah, that's all I got.

Fuck yeah. 49 seconds. Darren Davis. How much time did he have? He had 11 seconds left. Okay. How long are you supposed to do on this? 60 seconds.

Okay. Okay. Still, that seemed long. Darren, I like your style, man. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like a year and a half now. A year and a half. All here in L.A.?

Yes. I love that. How's it going for you? It's going pretty well. Getting up at spots. Getting a little better. What do you do for work? Well, I'm waiting for my background check to come in.

I'm just like... Is it taking some time? Yeah, it's going to take some time. Yeah? Yeah. You could team up with the other guy and be another Somali pirate. Oh, yeah. That's a good one.

I like how you brought that... Thank you. You know what? I like this guy. I like how you brought Tony's joke back. Yeah. Your background check, what job is that for? It's for security.

Okay. For like at the airport or just like? Just security and whatever they want me to secure. Oh, okay. Keeping shit secure. Like a fucking paintberry. So they basically send you out to any place on any day. It's like a temp security job.

So you're going to take a nap at a weed store. I guess so. Take a nap, get paid for it, whatever. For a week. A week? Yeah, it's how long it's going to take until you get fired. Oh. What are some of the cool gigs that you have had?

Temp security guarding. No, I had? Temp, security, guarding. No, I gotta wait for my background check. You guys just throwing stuff at me. Oh, I gotcha. Well, if you're gonna be in security, there's gonna be a little more complex shit than this getting thrown at you. Settle down, robbers.

I haven't fucking processed all this yet. I didn't think that was much of a monkey wrench, but I guess that fucked your whole world up. Where do you get up? Where do you perform stand-up? Well, like here, I try going up at the improv and little other open mics

around the city. Anywhere I could get up. How does it... This went pretty well for you, I think. How does it usually go? It goes... Sometimes I fumble my words

and sometimes I kind of get stuck with some bits, but... Yeah, I understand you more now when you're not as nervous. It seemed like you were Sometimes I fumble my words and sometimes I kind of get stuck with some bits. Yeah, I understand you more now when you're not as nervous. It seemed like you had a little nervous. You have some good material. I just didn't hear any of it. Yeah.

Is it true that you're taking acting classes? No. No. And there was one punchline didn't land because I genuinely don't know what you said. Yeah, what was the... There was just that little tag that you did. I would reference it, but it was literally like a group of syllables that put together didn't make sense. Yeah. It was like,

And I was like, man, I bet that was funny if I knew what those words meant. Is this all new material for you? Or do you perform this same minute every time you come here? No, I'm that was funny if I knew what those words meant. Is this all new material for you? Or do you perform this same minute every time you come here? No, I'm working it out. Trying to... Answer the question. Is it the same? Yeah.

Was this brand new stuff you wrote today and you're coming out and trying out? Or is this like, I'm going to fucking kill it with my best stuff right now? Kill my best stuff. Okay. Yeah. Okay. A year and a half, huh? Yeah.

I believe you. That was pretty good. I totally think you're a comedy beast of No Nation. No way you did not write that before tonight. No, just now. He brought it out in me. I bring a lot of black jokes

and dark skin jokes out of people. Yeah. Oh. Even a horse chimed in on that one. See, that's really funny. You should say that in your act. That was good. Thanks.

I think you have something. Like, I've done this show before. There's a lot of people that I'm sure you guys have seen already tonight and there will see tonight that, like, they have no business being on this stage. But you got something. You got something. So, yeah, keep doing it. Anthony's right on all points. Thank you.

Thank you, Chris. Whatever you do, don't quit. No, I'm not. Darren Davis, everybody. The name of a running back. The jokes of a running back. The jokes of a running back. Darren Davis. He's on Twitter at KingDC.

Oh yeah, that is totally different. That was Baron Davis that he was trying to reference. By the way, those of you that know sports. Ooh, this... I already can tell that this is going to be interesting. Put your hands together for Austin Paul, everyone.

How you guys doing? So, my girlfriend is a vegetarian, and we've been dating for three years, so we don't have Taco Bell that much, and we don't have sex as much. So to get either of those, I basically have to subliminally trick her into getting to want some of them, so I'll put commercials for Taco Bell in the middle of movies that I've downloaded off the Internet with absolutely no commercials, and then all of a sudden she'll want Taco Bell. To have sex, I'll literally just put a nice little blog up

on her browser casually. 20 interesting facts about sex. If you have sex with your boyfriend more, he'll love you more. So yeah, I'm pretty fucked. I think it's probably because when I was a young child, I was extensively touched, and there's positives and negatives to that. The negative is people laugh,

and I have traumatization for the rest of my life. The positive is when sexual education came around in middle school, I was like, don't worry, guys. I got this. Thank you so much. Fuck yeah. 55 seconds of Austin Paul. That was the funniest set I've ever heard from a guy with polka dot shoes on.

Thank you. Appreciate that. So talk about this molesting. You said it extensively. So you had hands in you. Yeah, I mean, it became kind of a blur at one point. Because you try to forget a lot about

it. Was it family members or babysitters or neighbors? Well, I don't want to get too into that. It's not a therapy session. We're just trying to pick apart his act. Let's not get too far into this. Well, you said extensively, so that means you really got fucked hard. Yeah, yeah.

Well, it was just like... You also made up a word called traumatization. Yeah. Yeah, sorry. I just mixed up my words while I got really nervous. Well it was just like You also made up a word called traumatization Yeah I just mixed up my words while I was I got really nervous You have a girlfriend I do yeah Okay

Yeah And it was surprising I look like a homeless prince Yeah I would have said talentless But homeless let's go with homeless that's true that's true I just like that you

made yourself royalty no not a prince like the prince singer no like the assless chaps prince yeah oh okay what do you do for work

Anthony doesn't listen to black people it's all good it's all good he's black it's all good I kind of like the joke at the end

the joke about you like killing it in sex ed because you got molested as a kid I think that's funny I don't understand why you equated sex with Taco Bell in the beginning that sounds like you're just bad at it yeah well no it's just like the thing was is that like

most of the time when you get in a relationship for a long time sometimes you don't have sex as much because you're both working more are you explaining this to me right now? sorry sorry yeah you don't have sex as much because you're both working more. Are you explaining this to me right now? Sorry. Sorry. Are you giving Anthony Jeselnik

the birds and the bees? Sometimes, Anthony, when a boy and a girl like each other, they spend more time together. Austin, what the fuck are you? What do you do for work? I'm a musician and a writer, songwriter. What's the name of your band?

My Chemical Romance? I used to listen to them in middle school when I was going to the English school. My Chemical Dependence? I make music of... Just read! I love how fast you go back to the book when you say something that doesn't get a laugh.

But when it does get a laugh, your head stays up and you absorb it. I'm like a dog. I like positive reinforcement. Totally. Wait, are you a comic as well as the band? No. Okay, I was going to say, if your thing was like... Have you guys seen this comic who reads a book on stage? He's the best.

Hey, what's the difference between frission, F-R-I-S-S-I-O-N, and friction? You're looking at a guy. There you go. All right. Two S's. How old are you?

23. 23. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time. Whoa. That gets some crazy sound effects. Oh, God. Oh, shit.

Yikes. I watched the show. That's why I came up is because I watched the show. I've been watching for like a year and a half. And so I came out to LA, and this is the first time I've been able to be out for a while. So I thought I should go up to test out what I'm trying to get into. Where do you live normally? Miami.

Okay. You came all the way here to do this. No, no. I have meetings and stuff for music because music is what I primarily do. But I'm trying to get into writing. Are you in a band or is it a – I'm a solo artist. What's your artist name?

Austin. It's my real name, Austin Paul. And then I have a last name. What kind of music do you play? Guitar? Like a robot? No, it's like piano and guitar. It's kind of like old school sound because I have

like a more jazzy old school voice. Can you give us like a 10 second clip of like a song? Sing our song. When you swim in the ocean and dry off your feet like you're scared of the notion of falling too deep.

Is that cool? Wow, that's amazing. You want to have a bow? For a guy that sounds like he's part of a barbershop quartet, you have a terrible haircut. Can we talk about the haircut? It's all short except for the part that's in your face that you continuously push out of your...

It's like you're like, hey, leave me something that will annoy the fuck out of me. Well, I'm trying to grow it out, but I also don't want to put it into a man bun because hats. But when you're playing live shows, you let it get in your face and shit. Yeah, it definitely is an element of getting into the character.

Oh, that's your Jim Morrison lock? Yeah. Is that true that you got molested? Yeah, it is. Why do we keep going back to that? Because I thought he was a comic, now he's a musician. Do you write songs about that?

No, I mean, I think... Not to get too deep. Not to get too deep could be one of the songs about it. Yeah, that's great. There you go. This is amazing. This is amazing.

I think that definitely that happening changed my perspective growing up a lot. I look at things a little bit just darker because I see people for what they could be. And so that definitely traveled into it. You definitely give those douchey musician answers

that we've become used to with them. You know, I just try to make the world a little bit better. Just for the record. What's more important to you, music or comedy? Right now, I don't know, because I just, like, long story short, just split from a management thing that I was in. So now I don't have to do exactly

what they were telling me to do musically. So I'm in an area where I feel like I can take something seriously. The second break is behind the music. You should have said, long story short, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. I'll keep that in mind. Have you started molesting anyone yourself yet?

No. That's a great question. Not yet, right? That's when you start writing the good shit, dude. That's when you get that extra fucking... You know it, solo pop artist. You know what I'm talking about. You don't gotta tell me.

Oh, shit. He always flips a page twice when it bombs hard. Austin, tell us something. How long have you been with this girl? It sounds like you're sick of her. I love her. Three years. Is she out here with you? No, she just moved to Tampa to do Austin, tell us something. How long have you been with this girl? It sounds like you're sick of her. I love her. Three years. Three years. Is she out here with you? No, she just moved to Tampa to do real estate.

Well, she's getting a little closer. Yeah. I hear that's why a lot of guys get into music is so they can... Move to Tampa? Yeah, they can leave their girlfriends in Miami while they come to do comedy. She moved to Tampa for real estate, so she's the real estate stripper. Yeah, no, no, no, no. She's actually, she doesn't do real estate where she like talks to people and sells stuff. She does numbers for a company.

So she just works at an office. So she's an accountant. Yeah. Well, it's, yeah, that's like one of her things. But like she does payroll and stuff like that. Like an accountant. Yeah. Yeah.

But she's, yeah, it's hard to explain because I don't even know. Like an accountant. Yeah. But she's, yeah, it's hard to explain because I don't even know. No, no, it sounds like an accountant. You can just say accountant. When you look back

at this episode. I think you're making it harder than it is. True, true, true. When you look back on this episode, I feel like you're going to be a little bit

traumatized above it. Possibly. That was okay guitar. Thank you. Alright, Austin. Anything else? Thanks for doing stand-up for the first time on the show. Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it.

Have a good night, guys. He's on Twitter at Austin Paul Music. I bet he's pretty good. Oh, thank you. You know that you are my little dolly. Well, hello, dolly. Come on over, baby. Come on, my baby.

Come down my heartache. Come on, my baby. I'd love to hear him cover that. I wanted to have a sing-off. What's that? I wanted to have a sing-off. You do you? I wanted to, but it's over.

All right. Just like life will one day be for everyone in this room. Back to the book. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Rich Williams. Wow. Anthony, everybody was here

until you showed up. People just got scared as fuck. I feel like I'm pretty nice. It's amazing. Some real chicken shits out there tonight. Alright, how about this? Manuel Herrera. How's everybody doing tonight?

Good? Alright. You guys are probably wondering, damn, it's a fucking ISIS-looking Mexican up there. Nah, I'm just a Mexican. Anyway, my 10-year reunion is coming up. I'm fucking nervous, dude. I'm like, fuck, I'm just a Mexican. Anyway, my tenure reunion is coming up. I'm fucking nervous, dude. I'm like, fuck, I'm going to show up in a Ferrari by then. Fuck, I'm going to show up in a fucking bicycle like a dick back then, you know? Fucking shit, dude. Yeah, fucking, I remember back in school, you know, we'd take a test on Fridays. All

these fucking thugs were like, hey, man, let me copy off your shit. All right, go for it. Fucking, they'd show up on Monday, kick my ass because all the answers are wrong you know fuck dude fucking crazy life man yeah fucking fucking crisis yeah just kidding fucking yeah man, I went to Garfield High. Fucking, yeah. Our school motto was cry now, smile later, you know? Fuck. Wow, super. I've never heard anybody do such a localized joke.

Were we supposed to recognize Garfield High? Yeah, stand and deliver. What? It's South Ho or whatever it's called. It's in South Hoi. It's in South Hoi. No, it's in East LA, home of Leonardo DiCaprio. How long have you been doing comedy?

This is my second time up. I feel like, I wouldn't say this to a lot of people, but I feel like you could actually make more money if you joined ISIS. Oh, shit. You can say that again. No. No, I won't.

I love that. You are an interesting one, Manuel. What do you do for work? Oh, fuck, dude. It's a sad story. Perfect. Why don't you answer the question? I work at a warehouse. Where's the sad part? Yeah, I go in at 2pm and I don't get out until question? Oh, man. I work at a warehouse. How's that? Where's the sad part?

Yeah. I go in at 2 p.m. and I don't get out until 3 in the morning, so I took the day off today. What? Wow. Monday through Friday, 2 p.m. to 3 a.m. Now, is this like a sex slave warehouse? No, dude. It's just a fucking resale area thingy.

Yeah. You get overtime, though, right? You get a shit loads of overtime. Yeah, dude, but I'd rather have a regular daytime job to actually do spots. Yeah, but you're Mexican, so they won't let you do that. Exactly. Minimum 13 hours on the clock.

Yeah, yeah. Like a Mexican, man. That's called part-time in Mexico. It applies to me. Fuck. Why don't you get a job that starts earlier in the morning instead of in the middle of the afternoon? Yeah, I know, dude. Oh, man. I like you. You could not have sounded more Mexican

than you just did right now. I know. Yeah, man. Yeah, man. I know. I know. Why is everybody laughing? That's fucked up. How long have you been... Oh, shit, dude. God damn it.

I'm sweating and shit. You sound like a racist doll. Ice better not come in through there, dude. God damn it. I'm sweating and shit. You sound like a racist doll. Ice better not come in through there, dude. Why do you keep saying... You have, like, ISIS Tourette's or something? No, I said, like, ice. You know immigration? Yes.

No, we don't because we're white. We don't know. Who are your, like, comedic influences? Who do you want to be like? You know what? Felipe Esparza's pretty good. Uh-huh. You're going to have to smoke more weed. You think so? Joey Diaz. You're going to have to smoke more weed.

You think so? Joey Diaz. You're going to have to smoke more weed. Oh, fuck. I don't know, man. I mean... So just a bunch of Mexican dudes? Yeah, for now.

So you don't want to become successful for like 20 years. One shot, you know? Thank you. I'm not going to repeat it. My bad. This is your second time on stage. Where else have you gotten up? Here.

It was actually here back in July. On this show? No, no. It was at the show up, go up with Eric. Yeah. Sunday nights. Cool. So, Manuel, how long have you worked at this warehouse?

It'll be three years in October. So you've got pretty good job security? Yeah, man. Okay, good. You have no idea what you're stocking on those shelves, huh? What's up? You have no idea what's in the warehouse? Oh, yeah, yeah, dude.

It's like... Or is it one of those don't ask any questions? It's like party supply stuff. I just, you know, I do pick the order, wrap it up. You can just say piñatas. It's all right. Oh, yeah, piñatas. Yeah.

Yeah, man. Tell us something What do you do like You're from LA right Yeah East LA What do you do like For hobbies What are some of your

Favorite things to do I like picking up on chicks But I'm not that good at it You know I'm not that good at it But like I take you know Fuck you know

Give us an example Of like some of your game Like a chick That you've landed recently Like how do you do it Okay yeah Say there's a girl right there. Say there's a girl right there, exactly. Right in front of Pat.

How's it going? My name's Manny. Oh, I have a boyfriend. Wait, don't be her. You just be you. Unless you do her voice when you're talking to her. Because that would be great game. We'll be her. You respond how you would, okay?

How's it going? My name's Manny. You respond how you would, okay? Yeah, how's it going? My name's Maggie. No, face the other way, though. Oh, hit on the passed out chick in the Yankees hat. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Hey, come over here. Wow.

I'm serious. Come here. Most people at least wait a few seconds to rape the person, man. Oh, my God. Nah, man. I'd have to seconds to rape the person, Manuel. Oh, my God. Nah, man. I'd have to go to Florida for that shit. Hey, come over here. Hey.

Hey. I learned my pickup moves from Scorpion from Mortal Kombat. Yeah. Get over here. Yeah. Boom. Hey. Come here. Hey, get over here. Mexican. Hey. Come here.

Hey, get over here. Mexican scorpion. El escorpion. Fuck yeah, Manuel. Yeah, I do what I can, man. Oh, so funny. Man, that's amazing. What do your parents do for work?

My dad works in downtown, and my mom just babysits the kids in the neighborhood. That's where your dad works. What does he do downtown? No, dude. He works for some Italians, man. Works for Italians. That's who he works for. We're getting closer.

Downtown for Italians? He's a drug runner. No, dude. I mean, I don't know. Chef at the Olive Garden. The Mancini guy from Ohio. Relatives. I don't know.

Boom Boom Mancini. Yeah, that guy. Yeah, he's from my hometown, yeah. What about him? Well, I don't know. The dudes who own the company, you know, they came from Ohio and they hired my dad

and it's, yeah, I don't know. I don't know the details, but yeah. I don't know, man. I actually know your dad's boss. Oh, shit, what? Yeah, the truth is, Emmanuel, I'm going to put your father out of work tonight Just because I can

Really I'm gonna get Boom Boom a call and say Fire Manuel Herrera's dad Well that's fun Now I understand why you won't tell me What he does for work Because he probably does illegal crimes, right? I don't know.

Yep, definitely. The fact that you're dressed like a strawberry shortcake cannot hide the fact that... Alright, Manuel, tell us something else. One last thing that's fun about you. You like picking up chicks, which you are not good at. Well, it depends.

When was the last time you got laid? Have you ever tried to pick up a girl by going, Ryuken! Nah, man. He's on fire. Nah, dude. Last chick you banged, Manuel. It was in my car.

He always answers where first. And then next he's going to tell what like two months ago two months ago yeah and how'd you where'd you meet her at uh mutual friends yeah did she get pregnant nah dude i always wear a condom dude like it's 101 we're like what 101 we don't have subtitles do. Do you masturbate with a condom on? Nah, dude, because I'm not circumcised. Oh, yikes. Wait, there was no reason for you to tell us that. And then do a celebration.

I think you just wanted us to know. No, man. Do a touchdown dance after. I'm jerking with the condom on, dude. Not even any lube, dude. That shmegma comes a long way.

Oh, my God. So, all right. Manuel, I'm going to last question. Last question, Manuel. This mutual friend of yours. He already said

shmegma. Do we really want him to say more things? What kind of car did you have sex in with this mutual friend? Infinity. What year? Back or front?

No, no, that's my car. In the backseat or the front? Oh, the backseat, yeah. So where did you park the car? Just a lonely little street. Lonely little street? I mean, we were already at Jack in the Box. A lonely little street. I didn't we were already at Jack in the Box.

A lonely little street. Yeah, dude. I didn't ask where you got rid of the body, Emmanuel. A lonely street out in the woods. No, dude. Dude, like, I was off the 60, and this Asian showed up out of nowhere, dude. And I fucking lost my boner, dude, and I just left. Wait, what?

Now you got a problem with racism? They've been playing the fucking Mexican jumping beam song. Yeah, I know, dude. I feel like I should be dancing like Mystic Mike and shit, you know? Mystic Mike? Magic Mike, dude.

Oh, Magic Mike. I don't know. I think that's the guy that raped the other dude. Oh, man. Did you molest a young musician in Miami a few years ago?

No, dude. What the fuck? Man, he would deny it. I'll be his lawyer. That's not my MO, dude. This is a Michael years ago? No, dude. Manuel did not. I'll be his lawyer. That's not my MO, dude. This is a Michael stand-up guy. Yeah, I'm legit, dude. I'm cool.

Yeah, your lawyer's holding a guitar and reading a book backwards. Good luck with that. Manuel, what's the craziest thing you've ever jerked off to on the internet? I'm going home. Oh, shit.

We're allowed to do that? Man, that's a crazy question, dude. Probably fucking Mr. Hands. I don't know, dude. Mr. Hands? No, you jerked off to a horse fucking a dude? There's the horse sound effect. No, no, what?

Wait a second. Mr. Hands is a video of a horse fucking a dude. No, no, not that one. I fucked up. a horse fucking a dude. No, no, not that one. I fucked up. No, you didn't. No, no, no. I thought you meant the sickest shit I've seen. It was Mrs. Hands.

It was Mrs. Hands, I swear. Mrs. Manos. You're not going to mystic mic your way out of this one. Yeah, I know. Manos. You're not going to mystic Mike your way out of this one. Yeah, I know. I thought Mr. Hand was the hamburger helper

mascot who fucked a horse. Mr. Hands was the video that the movie The Zoo was made about where a guy got fucked in the ass by a horse so hard that the dude died. And obviously that's what it takes for Manuel's uncircumcised penis to come.

Damn. I don't know why that's so funny to me. When you got that much foreskin, it takes a little effort. Well, Manuel, it was very nice meeting you. I'm glad I asked so many questions. It just kept getting better and better.

Hey, you know what? I got seven days, dude. This is my first day. I took the day off. I'll sign up maybe in a couple months. I don't know. Wow. Jesus. You are really like a Mexican Django or something like that.

Best of luck breaking out of that warehouse. Mexican Django. Yeah, man. There he goes. Manuel Herrera, everybody. Back to the warehouse. Thank you. He's on Twitter at Winter Snake.

What does that mean? What's Winter Snake? Don't take the mic back out of the mic. Yeah, sorry about that. You're leaving, you doof. What's Winter Snake? All right, well, I'm a huge heavy metal fan. All right, that's enough.

Manuel Herrera, everybody. There he goes. Fuck yeah. Take your jacket, Manuel. Take your jacket and zip it up over that ridiculous shirt. You're so likable. You think so? Yeah, man.

I used a character. You could do an impression of him like so easily. He's like, oh, dude. Yeah, his in-betweens were funnier than his jokes. If he could find a way

just to do the in-betweens as jokes. I like that throwing his jacket down was the only thing he did with authority. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket and this name is only thing he did with authority. Alright. I pulled another name out of the bucket.

And this name is... I don't know if this is even true. Don't be a Drew? Drew Bilations? Is that a real person? No, wait, wait. Yeah, it's a person. What's up, everybody? So, I'm Samoan, Hawaiian, Korean, Irish, and Filipino.

But I got up here. You guys, who's this other Latin comic coming up here? Is he going to tell jokes in Spanish? I'm not. Unless them ladies right there, they think it's sexy. They're not. Que onda, wey. If you speak Spanish, you know it's sexy. They're not. Que onda we? If you speak Spanish, you know that's like the dumbest thing to say to hot girls.

Unless they put their makeup on with Sharpies. But y'all didn't. So especially when people like hear that mix of like what I am. Does this dude like an island warrior? I'm not. Not at all. Especially like, I think it's because when I was in heaven, like standing in line for all my different body parts, because that's how that shit works,

I kept getting in the wrong line, dude. Like I saw the Koreans, I'm like, oh, I'm going to be smart as hell. I'm going to be like a pop star. I'm going to show everybody what kind of styles of Gangnam there are. But I get to the front of the line, it's for penises, dude. I got to say penis, too, because there's no such thing as like a Korean cock, because that's like a half an inch more than we'll ever have. But hey, but for all those ladies, it not gonna hurt you know yeah so so so you stood in line in heaven and you were customizing yourself

and you didn't forget you just forgot to mention hey i'd like to keep my fucking hair for the rest of the time. Because that would have been my first thing. I'm losing my hair. Yeah, we got that. It fucking looks like a rabbit's tail on your face. You're an interesting one. What's your name?

Andrew. And you don't go by your last name at all on stage? I don't want my mom to know I'm up here. Is your mom here? You really laughed pretty hard at that one. Is there some sort of family database where they keep track of your every fucking move? Might be. What's your story?

Kennedy. Tell us the real shit. That's it. Craziest thing you ever got arrested for? Not yet. Really? I can't tell whether you're like I can't tell whether you like fix computers or do math or both. Like you're

an interesting mix. I drive for Lyft. You know the other Uber. At one point during your set you said I know a lot of you are thinking right now like hey what is this guy an island warrior? Do you get that a lot? Never. I thought it'd be funny. People come up to you and go like wow what guy, an island warrior? Do you get that a lot? Never. I thought it'd be funny. I thought it'd be funny.

People come up to you and go like, wow, what are you, an island warrior? No. Or, hey, I have an island and we're having issues. Like Japan? How old are you, Andrew? 35. 35.

So is that beard, is that your goatee dyed, or is that actually gray? It's all me, dude. It's all you? Yeah. Okay. It was early. And you're going to keep it?

Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah, why wouldn't you? Are you bald or do you shave your head? I shave my head. You shave it? Yeah. Oh, what a dick move that is.

Dude, no, it's my five head is like a thing. Oh, okay. Everybody's got to get used to it now. It's not like you had a bowl of hair and you're like, just fuck it. Nah, dude, it's ghost. It's ghost status. Where are you from? Long Beach.

Long Beach? Wrong beach. What do you do for work? Lyft. I drive Lyft. The other Uber. What did you do before Lyft existed? Uber for poor people.

Walmart. Walmart. What were you doing there? I was assistant manager. Wow. And you make more money for Lyft than you did as an assistant manager at Walmart? Absolutely not. Okay.

But at Walmart, I wouldn't be able to come up here. Okay, so it was a win-win. Totally. It's my first time up on stage, too. This is your first time? This is your first time ever on stage. Wow, look at that. Drew.

My comedy hymen is like all over this guy right here. It was funny until you said that. It's like when the last guy said he was uncircumcised. I don't know if you know how... Just say a little bit too much. I don't know if you know how hymens work, but it doesn't fucking go anywhere. I'm a bit...

I'm Andrew. I'm from Pittsburgh. I'm a diehard Pittsburgh Steelers fan. Troy Palamalo is one of my favorite players of all time. And after watching you, I actually like him less. Shaving. How long have you had the goatee? I just got it because I couldn't have any of this crap for like ever in all of my jobs.

And now at Lyft it basically requires that. What's some crazy shit that's gone down in your Lyft? What kind of car are you driving? Beamer. You drive a BMW for Lyft? Yeah, it's an 04, so I don't get like all the cool Uber shit. Oh, so you don't get the Select or anything like that? 04 Beamer. You drive a BMW for Lyft? Yeah, it's an 04, so I don't get all the cool Uber shit. Oh, so you don't get the select or anything like that? 04 Beamer.

Check. It sounded better in your head, didn't it? No, it sounded exactly the way I thought it would. Oh my god. Why are you talking like that? Why am I talking like what? Wow. Like you look. Did you bat?

So great. All right. We're going to keep moving on. Drew, it was nice meeting you. Best of luck not being found for whatever crime you've committed. Really, really interesting guy. Congratulations on your first and last time on stage, Drew.

Very awesome stuff. That was great. Guys, we've gotten to the part of the show. Maybe we'll pull one more name out of the bucket to end this thing if we have an extra minute, but we've gotten to the part where we're going to go with our two regulars. These are two comedians who write and perform

a brand new minute every single week and have been doing the show, both of them, for a few months now. So they're both new comedians, but they're getting better each week. Anyway. I can't wait. Put your hands together for your first regular. You see her every single week on the show. Put your hands together for her.

It's the one and only Melissa Esslinger, everyone. put your hands together for it. It's the one and only Melissa Esslinger everyone. I've been kind of depressed lately so I called a suicide hotline not because I was going to kill myself or anything. I just wanted to run some jokes and feel a little better about myself. Actually I did try to kill myself

when I was 14 but I never followed through with projects so here I am but I did it with Prozac I took a bottle of Prozac I don't know what I thought that was going to do

but it just kind of made me sick and unable to cry for a while yeah I also was a cutter I would cut myself. I used office supplies, push pins. So instead of getting, like, in trouble,

I just wasn't allowed to go to Office Max anymore. But I'm short. That's all I got. Sorry. No, 53 seconds. You did it again. Bless that thing with a new minute. What was that opening joke again?

Calling a suicide hotline to run jokes. That's fun. Very cool. I like how you only had a minute. You didn't ask the crowd how they were doing to burn off 10 seconds. I appreciated that. Thanks. That was good. You do a new minute each time?

Does it usually go like that? It's always different. There's like ups and downs, but she's brand, brand, brand new. Sure. How long have you been doing it? Stand-up? Uh-huh. Since May, end of May.

Oh, wow. Oh, shit. So not even a year. Yeah. Okay. How'd you get this gig where you get to come up every week and do it? I was pulled out of the bucket once. It was actually like my seventh time on stage, and then a few months later, they asked if week and do it? I was pulled out of the bucket once. It was actually my seventh time on stage.

And then a few months later, they asked if I could do it. Cool. You earned it. When did you write those jokes? The ones I just told? Honestly? Well, the opening one several weeks ago, and the rest of them

were stories, like variations of stories that I've already told, like in real life. How did you feel like it went? It was okay. It was okay? I liked what she talked about. I thought you had, like, you made good choices,

but you're clearly not fully formed. You're figuring it out. But I like what you talk about. And I think that it kind of fits you as a performer, if that makes sense. I don't mean that as an insult. No, not at all. But you kind of, I believe you

when you're talking about cutting yourself and trying to kill yourself. Is it the jacket? Absolutely. The jacket helps. The whole shebang. The kid's shirt. Doesn't hurt.

Doesn't hurt. Shoes with no laces. They never gave them back. What's your best joke? My best joke? Yeah. I know it's an unfair question. One that works pretty much every time is that I used to live in Kentucky

and that Facebook still makes fun of me for it because I was doing this game thing where it's supposed to tell you who your soulmate is and it kept giving me my uncle. That's good. That's good. That's good. It also fits.

That fits your persona. My favorite one's the short one. Oh. What was that one? I'm so short that when I meet guys I have to be like,

hey, my eyes are down here. Well, you did it again Another brand new minute So much fun People getting to watch you grow Melissa Esslinger Our one and other Only regular guys

You know her You love her The powerful stylings Of Vanessa Johnston everyone Hey guys Hey Pat People in angeles like to say oh my god tgif like what do you mean tgif you don't even have a job all you do is take photos of yourself and then shit on all the people who have actual nine to five jobs i feel like you guys aren't on board with me with this okay whoever invented the phrase

nine to five didn't have a real job because nobody works nine. Like, who do you know that works 8 hours straight? Exactly. Nobody does. Ever. There's a 30-minute lunch break. It's a 9 to 5.30. Unless you work in a factory in China, then it is a 9 to 5.30. Unless you work in a factory in China, then it is a 9

to 5 the next morning. Vanessa Johnston. A new minute. You know Dolly Parton? What? You know Dolly Parton? Yes. I was listening to her and I was like, this bitch never had a job. I like your confidence. You came up here,

you've been there before, and you came up here without punchlines, but you still fucking... We still laughed at some shit that was just like, yeah, you fucking... You're like, yeah, I'm fucking up here.

Without punchlines. You look like an extra on vinyl. That's not an insult. It's not a compliment either. Where are you from? Where's the accent from? Do I have an accent? Minnesota?

Yes, you do. And I believe you. How long have you been here? Six years. Okay. I've been doing Santa for eight months. Almost eight months. Okay.

And you've been doing this for how long? You come every month or every week? Like since December. So three, four, three months, three and a half months. I was good at math. since December so three four three months three and a half months yeah I mean it's you know you were almost getting places the funniest thing you said you said after your set when he said Dolly Parton

and you said that bitch has never worked nine to five a day in her life right and I think that was the reference and it kind of like didn't work I had like my minute and I had it all worked out and then right before I came up I was like I don't like any of this. And then I rewrote it all. And so I never did

this on stage. We all do that. I think the big issue is we all know people that work 9 to 5. Nobody does. It's not relatable. Technically. I know my agent does

because if he doesn't, I'm going to fucking call him and be like, where the fuck are you? Okay, but they don't. They work like nine to seven. What? They work nine to seven.

I work nine to five. Well, nine to seven doesn't rhyme. I know. They're still working nine to five. They just added two hours. That's what bothers me. Nobody works eight hours straight. You can't.

It's not legal. It's not legal. It's not legal. You can't work nine to five. There was a guy earlier that works two to three a.m. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Manuel Herrera up there. But you also have to realize, you know, it's art.

You know, it's not news. It's a song. I work four to 20. Your jokes work zero for zero. your jokes work zero for zero I think those jokes definitely are going somewhere like I think there's something there I just don't know if you've found it yet but I

can answer both questions right now you mentioned TGIF and then I didn't explain what TGIF means. You need to give the information better and then have some sort of twist at the end. Before I had it as social media celebrities

because they always post TGIF. Do they? Yeah, they always do. And they don't have real jobs. They just post photos all day long. But you don't have to have a job to be excited that it's Friday. Yeah. That's true.

So your whole point for the 9 to 5 was that it's 9 to 5, but people have lunch breaks, so they get off at noon to go to lunch. No, it's just, okay, if you check into work, see, I have a regular job. That's why i know these things like if you check in at nine you leave work at 5 30 at the earliest if you take a half hour break what have you never had a real job who's had a real job who can vouch for

this yeah what okay i always got out at five if i was working nine to five i'd have the half hour lunch they take the half hour out of the middle. But then you're only working 7 and a half hours. It's not full 40 hours a week. It's not full time. You guys are rearranging chairs on the fucking space shuttle Challenger. There's no reason. There is no reason to be debating this. I feel like nobody got this in here because nobody actually has a real job.

In middle America, no. I think the joke is so far into the minutia of like, you're working to 530, not 5, you dicks. That's true. You're right, there's no punch there. There's not enough pain in there to be like, yeah, I'm behind you. Thanks a lot.

Well, it's another new minute. It's a fun part of getting to see everything. Some weeks are harder hitting and you know, sometimes it's another new minute. It's a fun part of getting to see everything. Some weeks are harder hitting, and sometimes it's fucking the hardest thing to do in the world. But you're giving it your all, and we thank you for that tough, tough work. Vanessa Johnston, everybody.

There she goes. Vanessa Johnstew, I do believe, on Twitter. Melissa Esslinger on Twitter. They are the regulars. We have four minutes. What do you think we do with it? Raise the one. I don't know. Hey.

30 seconds of thunder? Is that what we're saying? I say we do the chicken dance. Alright, let's try it real quick. One last person. One last one. Vikram Bugrule. Can I survive? What a mess we were made.

Dancing by. It's all taken and no give. You just use your mind. And then you'll get it. A 30 second set. Do whatever you want. 45 minutes. All right. 45 minutes.

45 minutes. All right. I lost my faith in online dating at an early age. I started using AIM when I was 10 years old. If you were to email jedivikram at AOL.com, I answer. So I was Jedi Vikram, and I developed a relationship with a 12-year-old girl who was really into Star Wars. We spoke for about six months. It was great. Then my mom got a call from the FBI. Turned out it was a pedophile.

That's a true story. And it definitely lowered my standards as far as what I thought about online dating. But it raised what I thought about pedophiles just a little bit. Because this guy spent six months committing to learning

about Star Wars just to have sex with me. I wasn't that great looking of a kid, but he really committed to his craft. Yeah, so online dating down, pedophiles up just a little bit. Fuck yeah.

Bikram. Bikram. Vogue rule. Vikram. I love that you think that pedophiles wouldn't know anything about Star Wars. This guy knew a lot. A lot. Like too much. It's like their thing. Yeah.

I think that's a chicken and the egg thing. Okay. That was good, man. How long have you been doing it? You seemed pretty polished and pretty comfortable. This is like my eighth time on stage. You're going to be a monster. 24.

That was good. I even liked the bit. I think you did it in the wrong order. The setup was muddy. It's such a good story. Everything about it could be a 10 minute bit.. So, I do it longer. So, I was trying to figure out how to do it, like, in a minute, 30 seconds. So, I kind of messed it up a little bit.

Okay. Why don't you take a step back? Like, take the mic with you, but just... There you go. Thank you. Crowding Mr. Messelnick. I like how he just took the mic, but he left the stand for you. I don't mind. The stand wasn't making me uncomfortable. Vikram, what do you do for work?

I'm a reporter, producer for Hollywood TV. So I put products on the red carpet, and I interview people about it. Oh, gotcha. Okay, that's where the stage presence comes from. Yeah, I love it. It's a lot of fun. Yeah, it sounds fun. That was fun.

You should be doing as many open mics as you can, as many shows as you can throughout the week, just knocking out spots, taking chances. That's what I'm doing right now. So I'm doing like a couple mics a day and just getting out those music in. That's such a great story. There he goes, Vikram Bogrel, everybody.

And he's on Twitter, it's Vikram Bogrel. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. It was a blank sheet of paper earlier. Look at that, it's us. That looks just like us. I look extra fucking evil tonight. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. It was a blank sheet of paper earlier. Look at that. It's us. That looks just like us. I look extra fucking evil tonight. Wow. Evil eyes Tony.

Pat Reagan's on Twitter at Patty Reagan. Chris Porter has a Netflix special. And so does Anthony Cheselnik. And so do I. You can watch all of our specials on Netflix. Anything else you guys want to promote? Any dates coming up? Anything like that? I'm good.

All right. Josh Martin is at JoshMartinComic. Thank you guys so much for being on the show. Thank you, live audience, one last time. See ya. Jamie Vernon. Thank you. I'm too bad for the women living They're getting by, so take it and don't give them Just use your mind, they'll never give you credit

It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it I'm too bad for service and devotion Good thing that I For service and devotion, good things have I. Can I survive? What a way to make a living, baby, getting by. Tom, Tom, now take one. Tom, Tom, now take one. Tom, Tom, now take one. now you you you you