KILL TONY - KILL TONY #146

Episode Date: March 15, 2016

Eddie Brill, Mike Lawrence, Mo Amer, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Jeremiah Watkins, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 03/07/2016 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Redman, and this is Kill Tony. You can go to TonyHinchcliffe.com that has his tour dates and all his merchandise. Ryan J. Ebelt, the Kill Tony artist that you've seen doing all the shows at the end of the show. He shows, he just like draws every episode. Well, he made a really cool movie poster, so you can go to his website, ryanjebelt.com. And you can buy their limited edition. And you can buy those right now. It's really badass.

So check it out. Go to Ryan J. E-Belt. He has all the past episodes, too, that he's drawn on there. Also, you can get prints. So check it out. Also, go to deathsquad.tv and click on Tour Dates to find out where we are. Also go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates to find out where we are. We're going to be in San Jose this Friday, March 18th. And Saturday, March 19th, me, Kate Quigley, and George Perez, and Frank from Verbal Violence

are going to be at the San Jose Improv. And it's a dirty show. It's a late show. It's a 10 p.m. show. So check it out this Friday, March 18th. And Saturday, March 19th, San Jose Improv Death Squad. And don't forget, every Monday, of course, we're doing Kill Tony at the Comedy Store. And then that starts at 8 o'clock. battle which is the verbal violence podcast here at death squad and then the first of and third friday of every single month we're at the ice house in pasadena california for the death squad comedy show don't forget to go to shop squad.tv for all the official merchandise of the death

squad universe and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony of Kill Tony. Yeah, it's like a real show almost. Tony Hensley. Yeah, it's like a real show almost. Who would have guessed? Mike Wan is out. Hi, everybody. Jeremiah Watkins and Pat Reagan, everybody. Come on. They just played music for you from the bottoms of their souls.

House artist Ryan J. Ebelt is in the house, already drawing tonight's episode on a blank sheet of paper. On the HD camera, Jamie Vernon, ladies and gentlemen. The producer that's running around that has no idea that Mike 1 is out, Josh Martin, here he is. Giving us a battery-less Mike 1 for a live podcast. But at least he's making sure that he covers all the bases. And now I give to you the man, the myth, Brian Redband. Hey, how you guys doing?

Yeah, yeah. Hi. Wow. Here we are. Off to a fun start. Live audience, make some noise so that the thousands and thousands of people know that you are at, believe it or not,

the number one live podcast in the world. Yeah, here we are. Another day at the office. I am always happy when band leader Pat Reagan brings a friend along, and lately we have been having so much fun with the stylings of Jeremiah Watkins. Yay. A saxophone is always a great addition. You guys have two acoustic guitars now? Uh, yeah.

Whoa. Yeah, that's a yeah. Oh, whoa. Yeah, yeah. I think you guys, what is there like conflict amongst who's the leader here now? No, no. Oh. We're in agreement.

We're in agreement. Oh, okay. It sounds like you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're on the same page. All right. Yeah, I'm in charge. Yeah, We're in agreement. Oh, okay. It sounds like you are. Yeah, we're on the same page. Yeah, I'm in charge. Whoa, I love you. Okay. Okie dokie. So that's a thing. Brian, how's life? I just got back

from some crazy fights in Las Vegas. I was next to the Octagon watching a big supporter of what we do and a good friend of ours, the one, the only, Nate Diaz, choked out Conor McGregor. No big deal. Just, you know, fans of us. We're fans of him. You know, no big deal.

I'm sure you guys are all friends with Nate Diaz. Anyway, I won 500 fucking bucks betting on him. I bet 100 bucks because it was crazy odd. So did young Jamie Vernon back there. And as though we couldn't be more excited watching a crazy, cocky Irish guy get fucking tapped out. We won a bunch of money, too. It was one of those cool Vegas weekends for me. Had fun performing.

So life is good. It's good to be back home, though. We have a crazy, crazy fucking show tonight. There's three chairs, Brian. I know. We have a crazy, crazy fucking show tonight. There's three chairs, Brian. Sometimes there's only two, but tonight there's three. And you can tell it's exciting when Reagan and Watkins make that noise. You guys are like hipster Beavis and Butthead.

All right, so let's get into it. Your guests tonight, I always have the funniest comedians that I could possibly find in the world at that time on the show. And this week is no different. Three of the funniest human beings I've ever worked with and hung out with in my entire life. Put your hands together for them. All of the monsters. Mo Ammer, Mike

Lawrence, and Eddie Brill. Holy shit. Holy shit. Here they are. Powerful three. Mike, welcome back. One the regular super regular uh guests on this show i love that we had to wait to be brought up while you talked about how much money you won and name drop that was the most la thing i've ever seen in my fucking life i feel like that's

how martin shkreli would bring somebody out like You want to talk here about the pussy and cocaine? I stuck my nose in today. By the way, here's your guest. Yeah. I think you're just mad he didn't go. I'm furious. That was fucking amazing. It was unbelievable.

What was it like? Tell us. I would like to live like a superstar. Sometimes in life you're sitting right next to the octagon when everybody that is involved with a thing like the UFC is exciting. Sometimes you're sitting next to that octagon and you look behind you. Sometimes you look behind you

to see what kind of peasants are sitting behind you. You know who me and Jamie were sitting in front of? Leonardo DiCaprio. Are you serious? Fresh off of an Academy Award. Staring at the back of this fucking dome That's right Leo

Just point at you going Holly Holm Would you? Cause I would But it was fucking amazing So much fun The guys that make Game of Thrones were there Leo rolled in with Tobey Maguire And E from Entourage.

Oh, they got a woo. So he just hangs out with lesser versions of himself? Totally. Like, that is the most badass fucking thing in the world. He just hangs out with... Sign my Oscar, Seabiscuit! Yeah, he just hangs out with guys that he beats in casting rooms. Yeah.

Amazing. Moe is Dave Chappelle's opener. Just shot a one-hour special. First time on the show. Welcome, Moe. Thank you for having me. Thank you. So fun.

Thank you. Tours everywhere. And it is an honor to have one of my favorite comedians and a guy who spent, I think, over a decade booking The Late Show with David Letterman. 17 years. Can we get a little more volume on him? 17 years booking The Late Show with David Letterman. Every comedian that you saw was booked by Eddie Brill. Pretty fucking crazy, right?

And half the people in this room were born after that show was on the air. And now, Eddie, you get to see some comedians. Some of them are amazing. Some of them are the future. And some of them are a couple weeks

in. And some of them, it's their first time. And there's going to be a point where you want to kill yourself tonight. Is that what this is for? Yes. But we're going to get through it. You can't have swords around me, man. I love doing this kind of stuff.'ve been doing this for like over 30 years I've been involved in booking in some way

I always like to help young cops I know that you guys shit on them I'll be the guy that helps and you guys be the guy that shits on them so we'll make fun of how shitty they're actors and you'll be like I could have helped you five years ago honestly sorry

you can make fun of me and shit on me I like this we'll play a little good cop bad cop years ago. I'm just really sorry. I like this. We'll play a little good cop, bad cop tonight. You guys ready for it? We have a bucket filled with comedians who are lining. It's a fire hazard tonight. Shoulder to shoulder in the belly room. A fire hazard. They are lining the back of the room.

Over 45 comedians signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds here tonight. If you get pulled out of the bucket, you know how it works. You come on stage and do some time. 60 seconds. You know that 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. You can do a little louder than that.

Come on. A little more juice on that kitten. There you go. Okay. It just sounds like we heard a cat die between the three meows. And it's hard to get it to meow sometimes. You don't want to know what we have to do to this cat over here. Guys, wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Okay.

Is there a pig at the end of that? That just sounds like how Michael Bay comes. Mike fucking Lawrence, everybody. So much fun. You guys ready to get this shit started or what? Here we fucking go. 60 Seconds of Thunder. It could be anybody.

And it's going to be, this is definitely a new name, Ken Suzuki. He's more of a Ken than a Suzuki. Guys, Mike Okay, so We don't interrupt the 60 seconds Mike, you've literally been a guest on the show 13 times And you've never done that once

You gave me the pep talk outside And by the way, I'm mostly offended Because that was exactly what I was going to say When he was done with the set Guys, give it up for Ken Suzuki There you go, Ken Suzuki I'm offended because that was exactly what I was going to say when he was done with the set. Guys, give it up for Ken Suzuki. There you go. Ken Suzuki.

Thank you. Domestic violence is wrong. It is wrong to hit or abuse your partner in any way without a safe word. And if you're going to simulate drowning them, give them something to hold on to. If they drop it, that's their safe word. Just a little waterboarding. Just a little waterboarding to spice things up in the bedroom,

and say what you will, say what you will about waterboarding foreplay, it really gets them wet. All right. Ken, you know what? That was interesting because I believe a lot of the stuff that you said you really believe. I feel like you might be the – I've heard a lot of murmurs lately because there's so many comedians now because of the internet and everything. And I heard somebody say the other day, you know, there's not a good woman-beating comedian that just owns it.

You know what I mean? Right out of the gate. Yeah. Right out of the gate. I thought Suzuki's get better mileage than that. I'm impressed. He has a Mitsubishi keychain hanging off

of him and his last name is Suzuki. You really do. You own that keychain. That is true. Mitsubishi. Suzuki. What happened there? Your dad's Asian and your mom's white? That's interesting. Where what happened there? Your mom's your your dad's Asian and your mom's white. Yeah. Wow. That's interesting. Where'd they meet?

I don't know. My father did something like I got to say, I'm really impressed with what he did. Beat your mom. No. Tony, he doesn't like you don't usually see that. Right. So either he really knew how to sling some dick or really knew how to mix a drink. Yeah, one of those two. Wow. I play the cat again, but he might get hungry. I'm not a Korean motherfucker.

Ken, you're an interesting guy. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years. Two years. Two years. Where do you mostly do it at? SF. Battered Women's. San Francisco?

Planned Parenthood. SF is San Francisco? Yeah. Okay. What do you do for work? I'm a salesman. What are you selling? Flooring.

Flooring? Yes. Oh, really? I'm so interested. You do realize if a woman stood up and walked out during that set, it would have been very empowering and beautiful. Ken, are you married? No.

You have a girlfriend? Mm-hmm. How long have you been dating her? Four and a half, almost five years now. What's her safe word? Is that her ring on your finger? Yeah. Okay.

Your wife doesn't know about your girlfriend. Exactly. You should get your hands off the mic stand. Why have a mic stand there and have your hands on it? Then the only part of your body that can perform is your head. You're up there and you're very deliberate in doing this. If you have the mic stand, let the shit go. Thank you.

Whoa, knowledge. There you go. It's true. And there's the horse of truth he's absolutely right yeah do you like do you still get nervous performing stand up yeah

why did it come across you almost answered with a head nod for the first time ever in podcast history. Is it really something I'm trying to work through? Is it still coming through, though? It is. To me, you looked really, really nervous. And also, you were in a really bad position.

You went up first, and Mike dropped that bomb on you out the gate, which made it even more difficult to recover from. And you were already nervous before you got here. I don't think it was going to go as you wanted to go because of your attitude and the way you cover yourself. Like, when you sell tile and shit, are you nervous when you're selling tile? Or you sell the fuck out of tile?

You got to sell the fuck out of what you're saying. I don't even believe you. If you really sell a woman-beating joke, we know it's a joke, but if you're nervous about it, we think it's just something you did. Yeah, exactly. Like, what are you hiding? You were saying that joke as if she's in the trunk and trying to escape. This is okay, right, guys?

Is it all right if I murder her? Is it all right? School? Drown babies? It was like you were rationalizing on the witness stand or something. You gulped and you were very deliberate at the beginning and you were holding on for dear life

so you were just showing insecurity and showing that you're really shitless. And even like having the keys it just makes you seem like you want to be anywhere else. And we're all looking at your keys which is right next to your dick and you're talking about crazy shit so it's just the whole thing's not working for you. So we can all looking at your keys, which is right next to your dick, and you're talking about crazy shit. It's the whole thing.

So we can see your dick pulsing when you're talking about beating women. And clearly the blood is rushing to it, because your keys were jingling the whole time by your heartbeat. He's going to keep all of our cars. Jeremiah? No, no, no. Thank you guys. In his defense, the keys are to attract children.

In his defense, the keys are to attract children. It just feels like a set you watch from the guy who locks the girl in the room in the movie Room. All right, no one saw that. It's a good film. It's really good. Brie Larson deserved that Oscar. Ken, you've been in it a couple years. I love that you're taking chances, you know, talking about some crazy shit, but you've just got to match it with your onstage stuff.

Exactly like Mo said, you've got to sell it. And like Eddie said, you know, fundamentally, you're already a tight guy. You're making it tighter by keeping the mic in the mic stand and it just being there. And definitely don't have your keys out because it looks like you're a drive-through comedian or something like that. Oh, just swinging by. Katang, katang, katang. You make fun of him, but we have a show in two fucking years.

And I love it. But other than that, it was nice to meet you, Ken. Have a nice day. There he is, Ken Suzuki, your first comedian. Anything can happen. There's 44 other human beings in this bucket. We'll see how many we can get through tonight.

This looks like another new name. Let's see the comedy styling's uninterrupted 60 seconds of Henry Johnson, everybody. I went to a concert the other day where the musicians destroyed their instruments at the end of the show. It was the bloodiest a cappella concert I've ever seen. I think the worst part about the metric system

would be living without fruit by the foot. My girlfriend said she needed some red jewelry to match her dress, so I got her a mood ring and terrified her throughout the day. Speaking of terrifying, I'm really worried throughout the day. Speaking of terrifying, I'm really worried that the government is listening to our phone calls. Not out of privacy concerns, but just because I'm really afraid of public speaking. I'm from the Midwest and I've noticed that there are a lot of Midwestern expressions that people don't really use out here.

Like, hello. Thank you guys very much. Wow. Boom. Henry Johnson. Very, very great. How long have you been doing stand-up? About nine months.

How long have you been pregnant for nine months also? I noticed the whole time you're rubbing your new baby. It looked like Garfield staring at a lasagna. With a kidney issue. Was that nerves? Is that nerves or is that just... What was that? It was very obvious.

You were just like, my baby. Like you were in a D'Angelo video. I think it's mostly nerves. I just try to play it up if I'm going to be nervous. You're from Wisconsin? I'm actually from Illinois. I'm from right near Wisconsin, though. Is that where you went? My brother and dad went there.

Did you start there? Start. Stand up. No, I actually started. The first time I did it was in Boston, but that was just one time, and then I did it for a summer in Chicago, and I'm out here. Chicago's a great comedy town. So you've been doing it nine months.

That's counting Chicago. How long have you lived in LA? Since September. And you moved out here for stand-up? Yes. That's great. What are you doing for work? I tutor kids for tests. For standardized tests.

Wow. You need the keys. What else? I tutor kids for tests, for standardized tests. Wow. The keys can do that. Yeah. What else? You've been doing it nine months. How much material do you think you have like that? I think it gets weaker as I go on, but I think I could probably do it. Well, sure.

I mean, yeah, we know that. That's honest, though. I like that. I fucking respect that. Yeah. If hour four was as funny as your first minute, I'd be pretty shocked. I do believe it gets less funny as you go on. He just quotes the racial slurs his father taught him.

You said what like you were shocked that he said that. Is your father a racist? He's not, no. What does he do for work? He's a dentist. He's actually a writer. A writer Is your father a racist? He's not, no. What does he do for work? He's a dentist. He's actually a writer. A writer? What's he writing?

He's a newspaper reporter. Whoa. Oh, hot off the presses. Yeah. My son's out in Los Angeles making it the big time. Oh, yeah. Doing the humdinger. I started in one failing industry and my son's in another.

Hot diggity. Yeah. Oh. I thought he had it out of the gate. I thought you came out. Because I'm moving around and moving my hands and all that stuff. I'm too busy. And also, you did the line.

You said, speaking of something, no. Okay. So inauthentic. So just say, I'm terrified. You know, if you start with, I'm terrified, you can put that joke separately in any other part. But if you're speaking of something, you always have that joke before it. And we know you're not speaking of something. You've done that before. in any other part. But speaking up, then you always have that joke before it. And we know you're not speaking up.

You've done that a thousand times. Nine months worth. Thank you. Another question. Is there a reason that you don't put on the glasses? Like, as a nerd, I feel like you're ashamed of who we are. And it's kind of disgusting to me on an emotional level. He's a pretty good-looking guy.

I feel like he's the male version of like in the rom-coms the girl that takes off the glasses and turns into like a chick. Can you put those on? I want to see what type of super nerd you turn into. He goes from Superman to fucking, oh yeah look at that dork. Kill yourself. But Tony, have him

take it back off. Oh shit. There she goes again. There she goes again. Now she goes again. She goes again. Now she goes again. This summer, she's all one-liners. Wow. Well, Henry, I mean, your jokes are just so good,

and you have a real knack for it. It's clear that you're going to be doing this for a very long time, and it's a pleasure to have you on the show. Absolutely. Move the mic stand next time. You left it right in front of you. Because if you weren't killing on stage, you would probably be at a community college. So thank God you're here. Okay. It's going to happen sometimes, guys. Yeah, move the mic stand out of the way and figure out something better to do with that other hand other than just rubbing your belly

Yeah, like that sometimes you can put it in your pocket. Yeah, it was nervous He saw Suzuki and he was scared of what happened to Suzuki and he was like, oh shit. Am I gonna be Suzuki? We went from a Suzuki to a Malibu That's what I am. I just... Capri. Capri. You did a great job, man. Stay there. Stay focused. Leave your body the way it is. I don't know. I just keep growing.

I was live. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. You two troublemakers, silence down over there. Henry Johnson, so nice to meet you. Thank you very much. Great job, man. There he goes.

Good job. You saw him here first. He's coming for all your jobs he's gonna take all your jobs from you keep writing cause Henry Johnson's coming for your spot he's on twitter at Henry I tweets

well so much for those smart written things that he had me dumb dumb stupid boy laughing Dumb, dumb, stupid boy. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Looks like another new one. Put your hands together for Katrina Davis, everyone. Hi, guys. Do I look like Urkel and Erykah Badu had a baby?

Sometimes black guys hit on me and then when I don't give them my number, they tell me that I'm racist. But that's not true. I like black guys all on me and then when I don't give them my number they tell me that I'm racist but that's not true like I like black guys all the time it's just that sometimes they're ugly I'm not racist I'm facist so I've had my glasses my whole life like I've had my glass since I was three I was kind of taught to like protect them I kind of feel like they're a part of who I am. And I really wish guys would stop asking me to cum on them. I respect my glasses more than some parts of my body. It's like belly, chest, glasses and hair are all the way the fuck up here. We have to hang out for so

long before I let you do that. Um... That's all I got. Katrina Davis. Fuck yeah. I... I just want to say it was refreshing to see a proud, beautiful, glasses American embrace

who she is. I just... It's true. It's true. You're not one of us, Eddie. never can embrace who she is. It's true. It's true. You're not one of us, Eddie. Katrina, that's fun. How long have you been on stand-up?

Like a year and a little bit. That's cool. All here in L.A.? No, I just moved here in like October. From where? Jacksonville, Florida. Oh, cool. That's fun. The Midwest.

The Midwest. Wow. Last week you were reading a book, Pat. It clearly wasn't a geography book. It's incredible. The good old Midwest. What do you do for work, Katrina? I'm a social media manager,

so I write posts all day. World star? star no I'm a huge fan of your work huge fan for a beauty line like makeup and stuff that's cool oh shit that seems to be the party word of the day uh beauty line who would have guessed that one uh that's fun so about a year and then some change and you're social media managing that's cool how does that thing that's on top of your head exactly work

is there hair in that front end I love this question it's from Target it's not that big of a deal y'all I just wrap it don't touch the bag from Target. It's not that big of a deal, y'all. I just wrap it. When you were taking off, you were actually Baltimore. I just... Don't touch the bag.

Have you ever tripped and fell down the stairs and that softened the glove? I run into stuff all the time. People. If I were you, I would just ram people like an angry goat. He plays the saxophone

and it starts to dance. It looks like the poop emoji. Oh, Jesus, Brian. Come on, you really jumped on. That was very mean. No, you put two eyes on that. It's the poop emoji. No, I know. Anyway. Yo, that's funny. Screw you guys.

Ha ha ha. Has anybody ever told you that your hair looks like the poop emoji? Not yet, but I think they're just too afraid to be rude. Like, I think people want to say shit, and they're just afraid I'll get ethnic or something. Of course. Totally. Yeah. It does seem that way.

There's a horse of truth on that one. So that's fun Yeah I mean You know a lot of people You'll hear that this fucked that thing You know And you asked it as a question Instead of saying you know I look like

And you had the funny one first Instead of second I mean so if you're going to do that Which I don't know if you have to I think you seem smarter and cooler than I look like a blank, fucked a blank joke, but

you can also acknowledge that at some point, but if you're going to do that, you don't have to pose it as, do I look like? It's I look like. You should never open to a question anyway. I need your help. I need your help. This is the way I am. And actually your conversation Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right.

Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right.

Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right.

Right. Right. Right. Right. Right, oh, oh. But if you would have said, I respect my body, my parts of my body more than my glasses, or my glasses more than my body, do that first. That was, you did the setup after the punchline. And then you say, you guys come on my glasses. Okay.

Already funnier. Already funnier. Let him in late night. But you said you did the setup after the punchline. Gotcha. That one joke you did about not being racist but being faceless, I was totally just waiting for a, you know, right after you said it. But there has to be a way you could maybe use that joke, but in a different way because it was so, like, bada-bing when you did it.

Okay. Yeah, you know, you could just get into it more. Like, you could just really say what you're thinking and, you know, you could just get into it more. Like, you could just really say what you're thinking and, you know, spread it out a little bit because there's ugly white guys, too. That's true.

Hello. Oh, yeah. Nice to meet you. I fuck way more of those, though. Really? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. What's your type

out of all the white guys on this stage here? Can I tell you guys something? Before we get into this. It's like two Bills and no Ted. By the way, I don't know why you guys are doing these retard voices things. Like special...

What does that do? Tony, I actually don't know what you're talking about. I mean, you guys already established yourself at the front end of the show as two guys that speak normal English, and at some point you just decided to go into that? I think he likes nerdy white guys, so we're going with that. I think it's the Beavis and Butthead I mean, they kind of have a point.

I do kind of like really nerdy white guys. What do we think? But what's your thing? I'm pretty sure in some way everybody up here is nerdy. So what do you mean by nerdy? I mean, it depends, but like honestly, probably a toss-up between you and Pat.

Is that what you're saying? You think that's nerdy? I cried during the fucking Deadpool movie because I thought I'd never see a good Ryan Reynolds movie in my lifetime. That's fucking... You ain't nerd, you're nothing! I got cloak and dagger on Laserdisc. Winner. I don't know. I got Cloak and Dagger on Laserdisc. Whoever has Cowboy Bebop on DVD. I've got it on cassette and the original

subtitled, okay? I'm not as big of a nerd as I thought I was. I have no idea what you guys are even talking about. Alright. Katrina, what else guys are even talking about. All right. Katrina, what else? I don't know.

What do you want to talk about? What do you do for fun? Does this just become an OKCupid date? What the fuck? Well, I don't really have a lot of friends, so I walk around and go to museums and stuff. What the fuck? You can't DJ someone's loneliness.

It's DiGiorno's again. I'm new. I'm new here. What part of town do you live in? I live in Santa Monica. That's not that cool. Just remember, being lonely in L.A. is a lot better than having friends in Jacksonville, Florida. Yeah.

That is true. That's absolutely true. Katrina, it was nice to meet you. You have a fun, amazing spirit. I love your style. Katrina Davis. There she goes. Katrina. R-I-V-A-D. Jeremiah, do you know

any other songs on that? I know. It's a classic saxophone solo. I have no idea why you guys are doing those voices. I think at this point it's to annoy you because you really don't like it. It's pretty blatant that I don't like it because it's sort of just like you guys normally actually say funny things and I feel like that takes away from it. Yeah, I actually asked you a question.

I don't know what you said there. I'm going to commit to the bid for at least one or two more people. Oh, okay. Tony, you're in my heart right now. Okay, one or to commit to the pit for at least one or two more people. Oh, okay. All right. You're in my heart right now. Okay, one or two. All right, all right. One or two more.

Otherwise, we do our defeat. I'm going to check in. It's not stand-up funny. It's improv funny, okay? I'm going to check in after. I'm going to check in. You burned us there, Mike. Oh, they got their regular voices back.

There you go. We broke them. We broke them. He broke them. Pure stand-up Mike Lawrence just broke their improv. They spent $400 to learn that lisp. Pretty sure it's another new name. Very cool name. Put your hands together for Preacher Lawson.

All right. Yes. My grandma got a Facebook. I feel like she's too old to have a Facebook. Like, every time her phone beep from her getting a text message, she thinks it's the microwave. Like, that's how old she is. She could be driving in the car, beep, how'd the microwave get in the car, baby? Like, look at the road. I don't like driving with my grandma, because she's really

spiritual. She loves the Lord, but I don't feel safe because she got that attitude, like, if I die, I'm going to heaven, so it don't matter. Like, look at the road. I don't like driving with my grandma because she's really spiritual. She loves the Lord. But I don't feel safe because she got that attitude. Like, if I die, I'm going to heaven, so it don't matter. Like, I don't. No, it do matter. I'm in the car, okay? You lived your life, okay? This is dangerous.

Okay, like, we almost got hit by a train the other day. I was flipping out. I was like, yo, grandma, we almost died. She's like, no, I almost seen Jesus. I was like, all right. No more driving. My grandma. This is how spiritual my grandma is. If I got shot in the chest eight times, instead of her calling the ambulance,

she would get on her knees praying like, please, Lord Jesus, get these eight demons outside my grandbaby's chest. Let the bullets rise up part ways from his chest like Moses did the Red Sea. Yes, Lord, let the blessings rain down from the windows to the walls. Let all these blessings fall out. Turn down for what, Lord. Let thy blessings rain down from the windows to the walls. Let all these blessings fall down. Turn down for what, Lord Jesus? Lil Jon 316. Thank you so much.

Holy shit. Oh, my God. Thank you. I'm in a sauce sitting. Thank you. Wow. Thank you. That was impressive.

Wow. I'm so excited. Ha, ha. I'm just playing. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just playing. I'm free. No. I'm so excited. Ha-ha! I'm just playing. I don't know anything. I'm just playing. A little day free. Now I'm done.

Ha-ha! Joking. You are unstoppable. Your energy and the way you control it is incredible. Where are you from? I was born in Portland, Oregon. I moved from Orlando, Florida to here 17 days ago. Wow.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. I can't believe y'all called me. Oh, yeah. He goes back in the transformation chamber and turns into Professor Klump. I get it. I get it. Eddie Murphy.

I get it. No one's ever said I sound like Eddie Murphy. That's the first time. Oh, shit. Wow, the improv. Maybe there's a reason. Preacher, you're unbelievable. What do you do for work?

Oh, yeah, exactly what I do. No, right now I'm a professional homeless man. No, I don't do anything. I don't have a job yet. I'm trying to get a job. I don't have a job. I've been here to get a job. I don't have a job. I've been here 17 days. Like, I just moved here.

That's true. Is that enough time to get a job? Because I don't know. Unemployed would have been an answer. I don't have a job. It would have been. You've got a lot of energy. Because I've got a few people trying to interview me right now.

You know, I've got... No, no, no. This is not a job interview, Preacher. No, not... No. It's a whole week. Forget it, not, no. It's a moment we forget about everybody. What have you done? What have you been doing in life?

What did you do for work before moving out here? What were you doing in Orlando? I used to do comedy full time in Orlando. How long have you been doing stand-up? Seven years. Wow. A few days ago, I've been seven years. How long have you been doing it for a living?

I would do it. Well, it was like off and on. Well, basically when a job fired me. days ago. I've been seven years. How long have you been doing it for a living? I would do it. Well, it was like off and on. Well, basically when the job fired me. I would do stand-up full-time. But before, I was doing it for like a year. And I was doing really well over there. They know me in Florida. I come here, they're like, I don't know you.

You know what I mean? So it's pretty cool that y'all put me on. That was pretty quick. Well, it wasn't our decision. You got lucky. I know, man. You got randomly pulled out of a bucket. He prayed to God. He's like, make sure I'm picked third and not first so it doesn't seem fixed.

Preacher Lawson. I feel like you try to put up 15 minutes and 60 seconds. Chill the fuck out. I was so exhausted by the time you were finished. And you're just great. You have phenomenal energy. You obviously get laughs. You do your job.

You've been around. You've seen it. Seven years, you've got to pick. You keep saying go back and forth. If you really do stand up when the job fires you, you start doing full time i mean like to me as a comic you you gotta commit like if you really get care about this art form you really care about it you want to flourish and you want to progress and you just gotta make a fucking decision and go for it i'm trying to nobody you know y'all ain't paying me yeah i think the part that's missing is this part

we never know who you are ever. And we want to have that. Like you're driving a car and we're in the back. We've never been in the car with you. And then if you go up on the grandmother bid or this character, we trust you're going to get back to who you are. But you never had that in that one minute. You never had you.

It's very, very nice to have this part of you. Bad act out, though. What's that? Bad act out, though. Oh, no. Jeremiah. Was not fleek, though. What's that? That act out, though. Oh, no. Jeremiah. Was not fleek, Jeremiah. There was an act out there.

To me, I thought the performing was great. I think you have a lot of stage presence. I thought the writing was okay. I would like to see your take on other things. I mean, I know you had a minute. It was like like holy shit who is this guy i thought that was the perfect minute for you to do in this capacity i'd like to believe you have better writing than that and i and i think you do i mean but i think like you should

be making fucking youtube videos you should be making like tons of shit in your free time if you don't have a job there's people with nothing that get everything just by having the confidence and energy that you have. Yeah, absolutely. With nothing, with a fucking iPhone. You can do it. Absolutely. You're doing a lot of spots at night, right? You're going up everywhere trying to be seen.

Yeah, that's all you need to do is be nice, meet everybody. Talk about time trails. With your energy, if you can maintain that for, and I'm sure that you can since you do it for a living for seven years, then I would love to see what longer sets of yours look like, and I hate stand-up comedy at this point. But I'd love to see if you can maintain that for 20 minutes and what you would do, and if you can, then, I mean, you're going to be fucking putting Kevin Hart out of a

job probably in five or ten years so I just think it's so funny and fuck Kevin Hart. Just because you have 60 seconds doesn't mean you have to put that many jokes in. Take your time. Take a deep breath. I mean we saw Henry up. I say speed it up. I disagree with Mo. I say hit the fucking gas.

He just seemed like the kind of guy who comes on Katrina's glasses. But you came in and you took complete fucking control of the room. And that was amazing. And it's so nice to meet you. Please come back any time. We'll put you on if the bucket permits. There he goes. Preacher Lawson.

He's on Twitter at Preacher Lawson. Wow. That's a fun one. That's a fun one. How you guys doing over there? We're doing pretty good, Tony. How you doing over there? Doing good.

I thought he crushed. Yeah, he is great. Yeah, we just talked about it for ten minutes. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together. Another new name. Alec Wiesenfield. Oh, yeah.

What's going on? How are we doing? Yeah. I'm going to put this on the ground. To the host, I would appreciate it if you did pronounce my name right next time. It's actually pronounced Juey McKeichenfeld, so fucking get that right next time, asshole. Hey, how's everybody doing? Man, I got this blind cousin. He's great, but all he does is sit in his room and listen to porn all day.

Just like, dude, that's going to fuck up your concept of what sex is supposed to sound like, you know? I've been working for this time machine company lately. It's great. I like it a lot. But the problem is I work like 14 days a week. It's fucking, today I worked yesterday. And then tomorrow I work

off. Yeah, that was bound to happen. Just go ahead now. Oh. Oh. Yeah, that was bound to happen. Just go ahead now. Alec, how do I say it? Weisenfeld? Weisenfeld? Weisenfeld.

Weisenfeld. Yeah. Fuck yeah, you did it. You got through it, Alec. Very funny. Where are you from? Here. Really?

Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I grew up in Santa Monica. How long have you been in stand-up? Like two years almost. Yeah, I grew up in Santa Monica. How long have you been in stand-up? Like two years almost. Yeah, that's fun. That was the definition of gentrification. A high-energy black guy left the stage, and then you took over and occupied the space. Oh, my Lord.

But, you know, you're so Jewish that... Yeah. I'm actually only half Jewish. Really? Yeah, half Jewish. Huh. That's why I was uncomfortable when he said Kuykenfeld. Yeah. I think it's hard to be half Jewish because it's a religion.

You can't be half Jewish. Yeah. What's your other half? The other half is Jewish. Is like my mom's Catholic. All right. I still don't think you know how this works. You're naming religions still.

Do you have any idea what kind of blood runs through your veins at all? She's white. White. Okay, sure. I guess that's how some people would label it. Yeah. You know how it feels knowing that's the healthiest I'll ever be all the brain damage from all that time travel

fucks with your mind I like that joke yeah very funny that joke sucked whoa Very funny. I thought that joke sucked. Whoa. Whoa. Pat's on me. No, that one was great. It was two different comics. Like, the Kuykenfeld joke was like a beginner open-miker who was afraid and nervous.

And then the Time Traveler joke was like a really smart, clever joke from someone with a unique perspective and voice. I would lose the easy slur shit. You're better than that. The second half was Jewish. It was white. It was white Catholic. I had that joke. The Keichenfeld joke.

By the way, both times you stumbled on it. You stumbled on it just then and you stumbled on it in the beginning. You even have trouble saying the name supposedly that you're trying to tell us is your actual name it's actually pronounced jewy mckay and who gives a fuck if they mispronounce your name give us a reason to remember it in the first place and by the way by the way it doesn't matter. And by the way, Wiesenfeld is Jewier than the slur thing that you said. Yeah, definitely. It's literally like –

100%. Wiesenfeld is way Jewier than – Yeah, you know, the Germans changed my family last name, so I don't actually know what it is. It used to be Smith. Yeah, it used to be, yeah. Or something like that. What do you do for work, Alec?

I know I'm going to get an answer out of you. Because half Jewish, still not unemployed. No way. During the week, I teach an after school program for kids. And then during the weekend, I barista at a bakery. Whoa. Yeah. Barista at a bakery.

That's like a special kind of barista, huh? Fucking money, baby. Love that. What's your favorite thing? So you're like a tutor, basically? It's like I teach kids how to... It's like a science program, but really we just play with Legos.

The way you described it, I can't believe anyone's ever hired you for that. Dude, I like... How do I put it? It's like a science thingy. Yeah, it's well... Yeah, it's a great program, though. Dude, trust me with your kid, bro.

Totally teach him science stuff, maybe. Legos. That's fun, Alec. So you're born and raised in Santa Monica. Oh, I like that. These guys answered for you on that one. You might

want to get to know those two to your right, because you're going to end up being their lawyer someday. Oh, that's tight. Absolutely. Yeah, we have some troubles in the legal field. Okie dokie. Alec, what do you like to do for fun? What's something about you?

For fun, I... I put my phone on the ground. Just walk around, leave it, put my phone on the ground. Like, it's... Just walk around, leave it. I'm like recording a fucking recorded podcast. That makes no sense. But I like to...

It just came to me. I like to play video games. Oh, what's your game of choice? I've been playing Helldivers lately. Wow. A lot of supporters of Helldivers in this room. Did you just plug the video game you made yourself? Good game.

Helldivers. Great game. Helldivers.geocities. That's a Jewish video game, right? Where you just get a tattoo and you dive into hell? Something like that? Hell Divers. Do you have tattoos?

I do not. No. I want to get one, but I don't know of what. How old are you? I'm 25. You're going to get some tattoos. I'm looking at you. I'm sizing you up. You're going to get some tattoos. I'm looking at you. I'm sizing you up.

You're going to have five tattoos by the time you're 30. Hell yeah. What are they of, though? Because I can't decide. Dumb shit. Something dumb like a black hamburger. Okay. Wow.

I could definitely be on board with that. Why does it have to be a black hamburger? His voice sounds like a little kid trying to do an adult voice. Like, I'd like to see the rated R movie, please. I heard there are titties in this one. Alec, do you still live with your parents? No. Valid question.

What if he said if he had two jobs and lived with his parents? I'd be rich. Would you be? No. Yeah, I was going to say. No. I'm doing the math over here. Tutoring and barista.

It's not. This is what a billionaire looks like nowadays That's amazing It is true I would like to purchase that mansion please Well Alec it was nice to meet you Very very funny I'd say yeah

Exactly what Mike said The Jewy Kiken stuff It's not That your other stuff is so much funnier. And I looked at the clock, and 30 seconds in, and that's all you had done was the Jewy Kiken thing. You know what I mean? So it's like, get to the good stuff. That time travel joke is a million times better than everything else.

And the other thing was funny, too. Yeah, get to the faggy, homo, cloth thing. Play something. I mean, if you're going to go to it, just play.gy, homo cloth thing. Play something. I mean, if you're going to go to it, just play. At least play. All right. Alec Wiesenfeld. Oh, thank you so much.

There he goes. Thank you so much. Oh, you can play something else. Look at that. Did you learn that while Alec was on stage? I Googled it. I love it. Eddie, you know how to play any instruments?

Yeah, lots. Really? Yeah, guitar, clarinet, drums, all kinds of things. How about you, Mo? Trombone. Really? And mouth trumpet in the shower. That's what I do. I think we got a band. Wow, look at that. That shit comes in here.

Yeah, that shit is fun by yourself. I love it. It's weird in a crowd of people right now while doing a podcast. Can you play that, Jeremiah? Can you play any of that with your mouth? Can you play? He plays the saxophone better than you with your mouth? Can you play? He plays the saxophone better than you

with his mouth. I don't need to carry that shit around. You gotta fucking check it, spit valve, fucking reeds. Wow. It's the Hack Street Boys.

Oh, man. Improv joke, now the Hack Street Boys. It's just a bad name. Go back to the retarded voice. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Austin Paul. He's coming. He's coming. Austin Paul. Keep the music going. He's coming.

Keep the music going. Keep going. What's happening? Keep it going. Keep it going. Keep it going. Keep it going. Austin Paul, ladies and gentlemen. Still.

Jesus. How you guys doing? Here we go. One more time for... When I was about seven years old I was minding my business in elementary school. My mother and father got me a chemistry set, and I knew it could get me high, but I didn't know how yet. So I shoved all of the chemicals and put them into pens. I traded them for Pokemon cards before the class would end.

They asked me, what's beryllium? They said, Austin, what's in this stuff? I said, I'm not a doctor, but I know it'll fuck you up. See, when I was in elementary school, I guess I learned from movies selling drugs was pretty cool. And when all other chemicals travel to your head, your friends all look like dinosaurs and you think you might be dead. Thank you, guys.

There you go, Austin Paul. 51 seconds of 51 seconds. Wow, they're already covering the song. That was fast. 51 seconds of performing.

Three minutes of prepping. That was very impressive. And two hours of hairstyling. Yeah. What's incredible is, you know, I liked it. It sounded good. And the funny thing is,

is that it was probably one of the lesser funny things that have happened here tonight. But somehow you're going to get laid twice as much as anybody else that's been on the stage. Oh, wow. It's actually. He's going to get laid more than the black girl who said she's into white nerdy dudes at an open mic. Are you fucking kidding me? This Austin Paul, he's got mojo.

You could just tell Pat what, what just happened there? His moist towelettes fell out of his bag. His butt wipes. The guy likes to be clean. That's fucking strange. That's not strange. I've never met anyone. You're just a filthy bastard.

That's why. You're just a filthy human being. No one thinks it's weird that They always tell us about it. You have a dirty asshole, Pat. Yeah. You have a dirty asshole. Exactly. I'll take that as a compliment.

I'll clean it for you, Pat. Now, Austin, you were on this show, what, a couple weeks ago, right? Last week, yes. Oh, wow. Interesting. And how did that go? It went okay. I mean, doing it for fun was my first time last week so it was it was fun do you do like you have a lot of comedy songs no that was my first one i i uh when i went up last week i just was

prepared for nobody to laugh because i just wanted to try it you know and then yeah i sang a little bit yeah um so then i just decided i was like you know what i'd love to do a song that's tried to make a humorous didn't work out that well but it was fun yeah yeah definitely uh it's really hard any if you ever don't you know you could tell just by seeing pat reagan here tonight uh it's very very hard to mix music and comedy. For sure. It's a constant struggle. It's true. It's true, dude. Yeah, thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. That's your peak. Yeah. If you work hard enough. Austin, tell us something else about you. That's pretty much it. I just make music, and I'm trying to do comedy as well.

And, yeah, I make art, too. I'm from Miami, and I leave Thursday. So it's been a great time hanging out here. What is this weird Florida connection today? Everybody's either from or going to Florida. I used to, for every girl that I ever dated for, like like eight months was from Florida. You like them trashy. Austin, you have a girlfriend

back in Florida? I do. How many? Just one. What does she do? She works for a real estate office. She's not like a real estate agent. She's not like a real estate agent. She's just there.

It's probably like you're doing sexy between something. I'm sorry. I apologize for that. She's the one. It's no big deal. She's the one who told me to make the Pokemon reference. It was originally going to be Yu-Gi-Oh cards, but she said that Pokemon is cooler now.

And I love you, Melissa. It was going to be Lunchables. He's so nerdy, he can't even do whisper sexy talk. But I'm not a nerd. You guys are. I love this nerd-off that we're having tonight. I was going to do Lunchables, but it just wasn't true. It was actually Pokemon cards.

Huh. Austin, you ever fall or anything like that? You ever fall? What's the most You ever been bludgeoned to death? What's the most recent accident that's happened to you? You ever At the end we just find out this is Jared Leto's new character.

You ever like accidentally like shit your pants a little bit or anything like that? No, I used to get really drunk because I got kicked out of my house when I was 19. And so I didn't really drink at all before that. So when my friends introduced me to alcohol, I was like, what is this? And I would get really drunk and do dumb shit. Like what? I would just literally, I guess it wasn't that dumb, but I would try and throw up. So I'd go and throw up and then try and come back and act like nothing happened.

But you know, after that, you're done. Wow, what an extreme partier you were. That's just bulimia. Sometimes. There's a word for that. Sometimes I party so fucking hard that I go to the bathroom and try to throw up and wasn't even able to

and then I go back out to the party. It's not in the bathroom. It's literally like we're outside and I'll just go into the grass next to us and just whatever. Most people go to parties and get fucked up, do cocaine in the bathroom, come out. Not him. He just goes dry heaves and comes back. What a machine.

Dude, you've got to come up ready to go. You've got to do that, yeah. Musicians, for whatever reason, when musicians come up on stage, they're never ready. They come up in tune and you gotta come up. I bring an amp with me every Tuesday night to Rose Battle

and it's plugged in, it's turned on, I just set it on stage and I start playing. You gotta do that. We don't want to hear your fucking excuses. I agree with that. I was more upset about that than the We don't want to hear your fucking excuses. I'm sorry. I agree with that. I was more upset about that than the baby wipes. Okay, cool, cool.

Well, cool, cool. All right. So you're a musician. You are already in the negative. You're already in a hole. Yeah, no, for sure. Yeah, it's true. Yeah, I already have like douchebag points.

Yeah, I get it. Austin, good luck going back to Florida and have fun with everything it was nice to meet you congratulations on getting up back to back Austin Paul he's on twitter at Austin Paul Music Alec Wiesenfield by the way is on twitter at Jaw Lives

at Jaw Lives that's interesting preacher Lawson a preacher Lawson let's go through another one here. My back hurts. Put your hands together for Chance Royce, everyone. I got the rainbow for the people of the ground. Please, DJ, play the number from the prison of the show.

High desk, only back desk. My, and my words. So another Manning won a Super Bowl. They're the quarterbacks that look like they were born with two concussions each. I don't know if you know who they are. They're what Hitler was going for, I guess. I don't know. Do you know they have an older brother, Cooper?

Cooper Manning. And I always imagine him at the Thanksgiving table. And Archie's like hey uh Coop you know your brother is over here won a couple Super Bowls each and he's just like a pissed off tree kid trench coat mafia guy he's like yeah well at least I don't look like I was born with down syndrome I love how you like I like I don't know what happened to Peyton Manning's face like it looks like God was drawing Peyton Manning and dropped his wine. He was just like, and I'll just, oh, shit.

Oh, shit. I'll just make his arm bigger. That's what I'll do. And then Eli Manning talks like Forrest Gump. That's never helped anything. After one more second Super Bowl, I must have drank 15 Dr. Peppers. And that's my minute Fuck yeah Chance Royce Hi Chance

How are you? Where are you from? Austin How long have you been doing stand up? 11 years Wow holy shit So this guy's a basketball player you're talking about? Yeah he's a basketball player

Chance you said another man won the Super Bowl? I'm confused. Don't men always win the Super Bowl? How active have those 11 years been? Like how many times? Well, like the first five years was kind of off and on. Okay. Like when I was 21.

Wait, wait, wait. You just started sweating profusely out of nowhere. Yeah, I know. I'm a little nervous. You weren't even sweating during the set. Yeah, we're the wives. I sweat. But you weren't even sweating a minute ago.

I just saw it happen all at once. What just happened there? I had a bad set. He just slipped a chili pepper in his mouth. Interesting. Chance, how do you feel right now? Why do you think it went bad? I think I said man

Another man won a Super Bowl I meant to say manning You took a chance If Hitler doesn't work You can't go to Down Syndrome That's a lot of it That's the thing One minute you gotta commit

Is all your material sports related? No it's not That's the thing. You've got one minute you've got to commit to what you started. You can't really. Is all your material sports related? No, it's not. I honestly don't know who you're talking about. The whole minute, I had no idea. Dude, the Manning brothers. Come on. They've won Super Bowls, dude.

Manning brothers. Yeah. And you're not smacking your lips. I don't know if you know you do that. No, I didn't notice I was smacking my lips. Thank you, though. I appreciate it. And the interesting thing is it's like, again,

this conversation is much cooler. You're acting like a comedian when you're up here. You think you have to do these rhythms of other people. Yeah. The rhythm of just you being yourself is much more powerful. Yes. You're definitely the funniest out of anybody who's ever kept the White Walkers away from the wall.

You're amazing on that. I mean, to me, when the preacher came up, you could see, all right, that's a guy that's been doing it for a long time, super polished. Sorry, so you didn't do it that much in the first five years and then. It didn't seem like 11 years. Right. Yeah, I know. Chance, do you want me to hold your jacket? Chance, what do you do for work? Right now I'm working in an office delivery company.

What are you delivering? Lunch. That's a lunch delivery company. Well, it's only for office lunch delivery. Office lunch delivery. It's called E-Club. Are the Mannings bad tippers? Because I'm assuming.

I did shit all over the Mannings. Yeah, you really hate the Mannings, which is like American. It's a minute. Tony, what am I going to do in a minute? But you know what it is. That's the rules when you come up. I know. I know.

I love that. Yeah. I fucked up. I just wish when you did fuck up, it was in that minute that you just said you fucked up. Like, you owned the fact. Because I was lost. Like, when you went to the Hitler punchline, I didn't know what was going on. Like, I would just love

to see you embrace who you are and just be real. I would like to do that, too. It felt that way. Chance, you seem furious about... I get the feeling that you're a lot funnier than what happened here tonight. No, I am. Yeah, Jim might see me. I'm funny.

Okay. All right. Of course. You got some vouchers. Yeah. You know, I've known about the show for like a year and a half, and I'm like, I don't know fucking about that. Right. And then you came on.

And then I know why. And you hated on American royalty, the Manning brothers. Guess who's never getting booked on Letterman? Nobody. That was the joke. I think to me, the main problem was, I know it is just a minute, but that is the conceit when you agree to come up here, is that you never brought it back to you.

So you just seem like an angry guy hating things for the sake of hating things, which is fun. And ginger beards can do well with that. But it's like, who are you? You know, 11 years. I should immediately know who you are and you should have jokes that say that. You should know enough to realize what an opportunity this is. If there's this many people and it's being recorded, it feels like you did a brand new joke. I would have done something that hit harder and people are like, who the fuck was that guy? That was awesome.

Yeah. Who are you, Chance? Who is Chance? That's a good question. Everybody wants to know. Tell us a little bit more about you while the song plays behind it. Nope? Okay.

What do you want to know? Nothing, Chance. That's good. You have a girlfriend? I just broke up with her last week. Don't bet, bitch! Here we go. You're so curb. And he walked out on you. Oh, here we go. Oh, shit.

And he walked out on me. And I'm fucking out of here. What happened with that? There were trust issues, Tony. Tell us about the breakup. There were trust issues. You told her your thoughts on the Manning brothers and she left you. There were some trust issues. I would call her at midnight while she was at work.

She was a nurse, Filipino. Oh. She was a nurse? Did you kill her? She is a nurse. She's still a nurse. She's still alive and well. Is she still a Filipino?

She's still a Filipino. Yeah, we can know. Did you deliver lunch to her? I did, asshole. You did? Yeah. Don't take it out on me. Yeah. So you walk in

on your Filipino nurse girlfriend and what happens? I didn't walk... Oh, I walked in there giving her lunch or what? What are you asking? Do you still deliver lunch to her job and shit? That's kind of fucking awkward. Or is she getting her meat and diggered by someone else? Just one question at a time, please.

Just one question at a time. So what happened, Chance? Trust issues? I'm guessing she wasn't thinking that you were fucking around, right? Well, I told her the truth, but yeah, she thought I was fucking around. Oh, was she fucking around? I think she might have been fucking, but yeah, she thought I was fucking around. Oh, was she fucking around? I think she might have been fucking around. Yeah, I think she was fucking Chance, let me tell you something. She's a

Filipino nurse. She's definitely fucking around. I don't know if you've ever seen any porno before, but I like that you created the first ever stereotype for Filipino nurses. Yeah, definitely. Everybody knows about those Filipino nurses.

I mean, just fucking sluts. Just fucking, you know, those fucking. If I saw a picture of him with an Asian woman, I would just think it was from the Vietnam War. just think it was from the Vietnam War. Chance, how long were you with her for? We were off and on for like two years. Or a year and a half. Off and on everything, man.

You do drugs, Chance? I smoke pot every now and then. Off and on. I'm off and on. What do you do consistently? What's a fun hobby of yours other than stand-up? I run. Really?

Yeah, believe it or not, yeah. Where do you run to? Burger King? What are we talking about here? I run every day from Burger King to Jack in the Box and then over to the McDonald's and then I'm at... That's... I do run to those places too. But so I can run to that place,

I run, like, seven miles up at the Silver Lake Reservoir. Whoa, jeez, you said that quick. Yeah, for all you Reservoir fans out there. All the Silver Lake Reservoir dogs out there, what's up, dude? Shut up. Fuck you, Flint. Fuck you, those listeners in Flint, Michigan. This guy jogs around a reservoir.

It doesn't even take a sip. Nine minute miles, dog. Nine minute miles. Tony, let's go. Nine minute mile? Wow. That is what I call fast food. That's funnier than what you guys just gave it credit to. Remember the Burger King Jack in the Box thing from earlier, you pieces of shit?

Alright. Chance, it was nice to meet you. I love that you can run a 7 minute mile That should be like a 9 minute I'm not from Nigeria Whoa, Jesus They're the fastest runners

Never mind Actually, Kenyans are Kenyans Alright, we're good There he goes, Chance Royce, everybody. Chance, oh, Chance. He's on Twitter at Chance Royce. Here we go.

If we can get another one up at the end, we will. But let's get into our two regulars. Guys, we have two regulars that do a brand-new minute every single week. Two very funny young ladies. Going up first tonight, you know her from Kill Tony. She does a brand new minute every single week. Neurotic, nervous, sometimes it goes great, sometimes it's rough.

But she's a little monster getting built right here weekly. Put your hands together for Melissa Esslinger, everybody. Thank you. So I have a new boyfriend. His name is Hulu. I've actually been binge-watching a really terrible show, which is maybe better than terrible sex. I don't know. Probably not. I guess, anyway.

But I've been watching Seventh Heaven, which is awful. It's nostalgic, for one, but also I like how they inject PSAs into their dialogue. Like, they'll be like, hey, Mary, how was the basketball game? We lost, but did you know one of 12 teenagers cut themselves? teenagers cut themselves. That's actually how I learned about cutting when I was like 14. I was watching the show against it.

But at the end of the show the girl got to go to a place in Chicago and I was like, I want to go away from my parents. So office supplies started, yeah. Anyway, I had more. I didn't get even. away from my parents. Office supplies. Anyway. I had more.

There you go. Melissa Esslinger. Another new minute. Did it again. That's fun. Very fun. I feel like you mentioned cutting yourself a couple times. Did you really do that? Yeah, I did. Wow, that's interesting.

That's fun. Did you really do that? Yeah, I did. Wow, that's interesting. That's fun. Did you really think he's... I always wondered, do you get horny when you cut yourself? Do I get what? Is that like a sexual thing when you cut yourself? By the way, the last comedian just cut himself. He slit his throat in the back of the room. He's a cutter now, too. Final chance.

Rest in peace Chance can you please roll up your sleeves so we can feel better about ourselves no don't don't she's good it was a long time ago and I did it with push pins so it wasn't real serious whoa fuck you Mike Lawrence a push pin cutter

she never took cutting to the professional level you open Mike's cutting? How do you do that? I love that. So it was a cry for help. You weren't really trying to cut yourself. What were you trying to cry for help for? What was the reason behind it?

I was just really sad. I was a very angsty teenager. I was very angry at my parents all the time. Why do you think that is? Because my mom is emotionally unavailable. Whoa! Fuck you, mom. No, she was. You know, we've grown. I like that.

That's fun. Has she accepted your Facebook yet? Is she talking to you now? I don't want to talk about it. No, I'm just kidding. We're good. Have you ever tasted your blood? Would you like to? No. Not on purpose.

You know, you did it again. Another fun new minute. You got in on the 7th Heaven thing, and I think that works because I don't even really know that show, but it was still funny to me because I felt like I did know it by the time you explained that.

So I think that works all the way across the boards. Thanks. That was the first time I didn't get to everything I was ready for, too. Yeah, that is kind of a dated reference, though. That's okay. Maybe you should give a little explanation about a cheesy show from the 90s. No, no, no. They just put that on Hulu.

She said that with Hulu. She said that she had a new boyfriend, Hulu. She went from Hulu to binge-watching a really stupid show. I shouldn't have done that. Why am I doing it? To PSA. I thought she had a good flow. Hulu. She went from Hulu to binge-watching a really stupid show. I shouldn't have done that. Why am I doing it? To PSA. I thought she had a good flow. Yeah, it really did.

Great flow. And the father, you know, he turned out to be a child molester recently. So it's popular again. That was at the end of my thing. You know that one in 12 actually get molested. What I like... You have these religious fucks. What happened?

What happened? A lot of double talk there. And when the smoke cleared, it was Pat Reagan. Who obviously has something against religious people. But what I genuinely liked was the vulnerability. You know, I used to starve myself. I've cut myself. I've been there.

You know, it fucking sucks. I'm from Florida. That's how we get through shit. I thought that that was fucking awesome. I know you have more. I want to see more of that. I like how you say it by talking about something people know and then bringing it back to yourself.

I thought that was fucking great. Getting better all the time. Watching her grow live here every Monday. It's the one and only Melissa Esslinger, everybody. Oh, I'm sorry. Wait a second. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, guys. Hold it. Boys, I would clean up the beginning. You don't want to start with something.

Don't need that. Come from a position of knowing so that we're sure of it. Not so I have a new boyfriend. So I have a new boyfriend. Boom. Hands in your pockets showing insecurity. Yeah. Vulnerability is one thing. And insecurity takes away from the strength of vulnerability.

And those ahs. You go, ah. When you start changing direction and thinking about the next thing, you go, ah. And you do that louder than you say your material. Yikes. So it's a very, like, it's like you're censoring yourself. It's like, beep. Something like that.

Because people are afraid of the silence. So they put an ah. Right. And you don't need to be afraid of it. Silence is yourself. It's like beep, something like that. Because people are afraid of the silence, so they put an R. Right, and you don't need to be afraid of it. Silence is good. It builds that tension and gets them ready to laugh when this stuff happens. Yeah. There she goes. Melissa Esslinger, everybody.

Here we are. Our one other regular, ladies and gentlemen. You know her, you love her. She's the other Kill Tony regular. Put your hands together for the great Vanessa Johnston. Thank you. Thank you. It bothers me that some people look at me

and just assume that I wake up, I shower, I put on mascara, and then I'm just out there looking for dicks. The other day, I was at a party for my corporate job, and this random lady walked by me, looked at me, and said, hooker. I was like, did you just call me a hooker? And she said, well, do you think you look like a hooker? And I was wearing a nice dress that was showing maybe two inches of skin. So I said, do I think I look so good that someone would pay to fuck me?

Yeah, I do. Unlike you, where someone would pay to not fuck you. Okay, thanks. There you go. Exactly a minute. Yes, all women. Yes, all women. Yes, all women.

Fuck yeah. That's fun. Did that really happen? Yeah it did Two weekends ago At the Grammy party Was she Was she a good looking girl Or do you think

She was jealous She was like fine Right The Grammy party Like a party of grandmas No Grammy The old The old You guys are out of control.

I fucking love it. Yes, she was at a party of grandmas, Pat. That's fun. What was the what was the party? No, it was just a party like I had to go to for work because we were developing a show around this person. And so I was there with like all my colleagues. Right. And I was you know what I mean? Like I was working. Exactly. That's interesting. Does stuff like that happen a lot?

Like, women are very competitive. No, guys sometimes. It's weird. Like, I always feel like I get approached about it when I don't feel like I would be, like, on point. You know what I mean? Like, where I'm, like, in sweatpants and guys are like, are you a hooker? And I'm like, dude. Right.

Like, I would be the worst hooker ever. You know what I mean? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. Sounds like Brian will pay anything. If you were a hooker, how much do you think you would charge for a half hour? Jesus, I don't know.

Holy shit. I would have the worst customer service. No, no, no, no. You think you get Yelp reviews? You think that's how hooking works? Yeah, there's a website. She was in sweatpants, for starters. So that's fun.

That's sort of crazy. You know, that women do things like that. Did you do anything other than look like yourself to be called a hooker? Yeah, I was just standing there and she just walked by me. Look, there's going to be haters with her. She's so fucking hot. I'm sure she's wearing a dress that even shows like an inch of skin. Everyone's going to call her a hooker just because they want to

be as hot as her. You know, she probably has to deal with this shit all the time. I just don't know if I give off hooker vibes. I don't think I do. Well, there's really no such thing as a hooker vibe. You know what happened is girls and actually it's funny. Rogan and I laughed about this in Vegas over

the weekend. That's not a name drop. Listen, let me explain something. That's his father he's talking about. Alright, you guys are funny. Let me explain something to you guys that don't work with anybody powerful. Okay.

Let me explain something to you all. All right. It's not a name drop when you work with these people all the time. It's not how it works. You fucking peasants. I'm not talking about a couple weeks ago when I was hanging with Chappelle and Chris Rock. I'm talking about this weekend with Joe Rogan.

You fucking losers. Jesus, name drop my fat ass. I love that some of my best friends are famous black comedians. But now let's see if Joe Rogan had anything to do with the actual point of this story. Which was, where were we? Las Vegas, you won $500. Oh, it was because everybody was so dressed up, like every woman, that we made a joke that these all these chicks dressing like

sluts is really ruining the business for all these prostitutes that are in vegas that because you can't tell oh chicken a dress is that's the old prostitute i dated a guy who was like kind of he because i don't like wearing dresses and he would always tell me like wear a little dress be a woman you know it didn't last long no but he was like but he would tell me i was like dude i was like i'm gonna walk out and people are gonna think i'm a hooker and he's like and he would tell me he's like well he's like they know what they're doing what an asshole he's like they get paid for it i was like jesus vanessa another new minute she did it again there she goes vanessa johnston Asshole. He's like, they get paid for it. I was like, Jesus. Vanessa, another new minute. She did it again.

There she goes. Vanessa Johnston. And she did something. Vanessa did something new. She came out strong. Yep. She paused in all her breaks. Guys, the drawing of tonight's episode from Ryan J. Ebelt.

It's available at ryanjebelt.com. Look at how crazy that is. That was a blank sheet of paper at the start of the episode. And the poster is going to be available pretty soon, right, Ryan? Yes, it's going to be available. RyanJEbelt.com. Brand new poster. I just got mine framed and put up in my living room. I don't have one.

I'm so excited. Well, you're going to get one. Mo Ammer. Yes, sir. You're on Twitter at? Real Mo Ammer. What else? Any other dates coming up or anything you want to promote?

Yeah, I mean, I'm going to Sweden at the end of the month. Nothing special. We have a lot of listeners from Sweden. Absolutely. I'm going to Stockholm. I'll be at the South Theater there at the end of the month. I've been there before with Joe Rogan.

Yeah. Mike Lawrence. The Mike Lawrence? Yes, the Mike Lawrence on Twitter. Iawrence? Yes, at TheMikeLawrence on Twitter. I'm a writer on this season of Inside Amy Schumer that premieres April 21st. Amazing. Go check it out. Eddie Brill, thank you so much.

Eddie underscore Brill. I'm traveling around the world. I'm going to Boway, Ireland, then I'm going to Paris, and then I'm doing Hong Kong and then Australia. Such an honor to have you on this show, sir. Thank you so much for doing it. So cool. Reagan and Watkins, ladies and gentlemen. What a performance

tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm on the show, Reagan and Watkins, next Friday at the Hollywood Improv, March 18th at 10pm. There you go. You can find us on Twitter at Jeremiah Staneber or at Patty Reagan. We have a new website, ReaganWatkins.com.

At Josh Martin Comic, at Jamie Vernon. Brian Redband is the Redband. Hey, I'll be in Houston at the House of Blues this Friday and Saturday and Sunday, Austin, Texas. Yeah. Houston. Check out all my tour dates at TonyHinchcliffe.com. It's crazy. I'm going everywhere.

Live audience, make some noise one more time. We did it. We did it. Right there. everywhere. Live audience, make some noise one more time. We did it. Thank you. They just turn their heads Tell them Now he has his revenge Thank you.