KILL TONY - KILL TONY #148

Episode Date: March 31, 2016

Bill Burr, Dom Irrera, Andrew Themeles, Josh Martin, Jeremiah Watkins, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 03/21/2016 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Just search the iTunes store for Kill Tony and hit subscribe. And if you want to see Kill Tony live, we do it every Monday at the Comedy Store. It's an 8 o'clock show. It usually sells out, but the tickets are free, so reserve your tickets by going to the Comedy Store's website and getting Kill Tony every Monday, 8 o'clock. Also, TonyHinchcliffe.com for all the tour dates and everything you need about Tony Hinchcliffe. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates for all the Death Squad shows.

Not only do we do Kill Tony Monday, but we also have Verbal Violence, which is the podcast of the Roast Battle. That's right. Roast Battle is every Tuesday. The first and third Friday of every month, we have the Death Squad comedy show at the Ice House in Pasadena, California. And if you're listening to this, you know, when it came out. Next Wednesday we have a huge, another Death Squad secret show. That's in April. It's the first Wednesday of the month, April

6th. We will be in the Comedy Store main room. It's going to be Joe Rogan and a bunch of people, so check that out. Tickets are on sale right now at the Comedy Store. Last but not least, don't forget shopsquad.tv for all the official bunch of people so check that out tickets are on sale right now at the comedy store uh last not least don't forget shop squad.tv for all the official death squad merchandise not only do we have uh the death squad mug back in stock a lot of people wanted the death squad mug we have a very

small amount in stock right now we have two pre-orders uh the death squad hat silver stripe and death squad pill remix uh both of them pre-ordered right now. If you want to get a taste of that, go to shopsquad.tv. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redbeck. Coming to you live from the road-famous comedy store for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 3.

Give it up for Tony Henscliff. Yes, it's true. Look at the energy up in the upper deck. I like that. Comedians that are here every week. Hello. Hi. Happy Monday to you all. You guys ready for a crazy night or what? G up in the upper deck. I like that. Comedians that are here every week. Hello. Hi. Happy Monday to you all. You guys ready for a crazy

night or what? Fuck yeah you are because you always are. We always have fun here. You guys like big giant exclusive right now announcements? Here's a big one for you guys. Well, we're going to Nashville May 22nd. That's a big deal.

We're at the Wild West Comedy Fest. Here's what's really exciting. You ready for this? Kill Tony in the month of May is moving to its new home. The Comedy Store Main Room, ladies and gentlemen. 400 seats

of insanity. Yeah. That's a big announcement. June will be year three of Kill Tony and we're going to be having that in the main room because the show's going to be in the main room from now on and we are in negotiations for a special

all comedian section that gets discounted comedian rate drinks. What the fuck? Is that true? Is that true? Is that true that a show that fights for the comedian's rights could get them something like that? That's unbelievable.

Seems like a really cool show that does something like that. We should just get a keg for the comics. Get a kegger. Alright, I don't know about that, Brian. I'm pretty sure they're going to keep us in the belly room if we try that. Put your hands together for your house artist, Ryan J. E. Belt, ladies and gentlemen. He draws every single episode. He drew the brand new Kill Tony poster, limited edition.

It's for sale after the show and online at ryanjebelt.com. Jamie Vernon on the HD camera. And keep it going for Pat Reagan, ladies and gentlemen. He's the band. He's the entire fucking band for this show. Pat Reagan is in the house. Who do you got with you there, Pat?

Well, Tony, I guess I'll let... This is Adam. I guess I'll let him explain. Oh, okay. Hi, my name is Adam. All good at Esquire. I'm Mr. Reagan's attorney. Oh. Seems like a pretty good attorney with a can of PBR. Like this.

I feel like you have ads Attorneys have fun as well. Attorneys have fun as well. I bet. What's in your other hand? What's in that left hand? Harmonica. Oh, I see.

Fuck yeah. That's how you know you have a good lawyer. I always give him the good old harmonica test. Well, welcome to the show, Adam, Pat's lawyer. Oh, you're welcome. I'm going to be doing a lot of speaking for Pat. He's undergone some joke theft recently, and I don't want him saying anything incriminating.

I don't want him to lose any intellectual or creative property here on the stage tonight. Whoa, I don't know anything about this. Pat, are you allowed to speak on this, or does Adam have to? No comment, Tony. Whoa, whoa, this is interesting. Adam, are you going to speak of this?

No comment. Oh, this is a really drawn- out improv scene that nobody told me about. Okie dokie, Pat. You really just shooting from the hip tonight. Guys, every single week we have a bunch of comedians sign up to do 60 seconds on the stage

and we always have some of the best comedians and some of our funniest friends on the show to talk to those comedians and they're on a podcast all with us right now live put your hands together for three of the best Andrew Thimeles, Dom Irera, and Bill Burr fuck yeah

here we go Hi everybody Holy shit Jesus, was that loud enough? Fuck You get crazy up here on Monday nights So Bill, are you still doing stand-up? Hey! I got a real estate license.

I got some billboards up there. Selling condos. Good for you. Welcome to the show. Dom, you've been on a ton of times. Andrew, welcome. Andrew Thelma. Thank you.

They should turn these mics up more. You said three of the best. Let's just be fucking honest at the start. Two of the best and a consolation prize, all right? Consolation prize. I didn't even drive him here. I don't even have an excuse. That's why we put you in the middle.

Thank you for having me. Hey, put you in the middle. We got you tonight. It's a podcast. It's a Monday morning podcast field trip. We put you in the middle, so act like you're one of us, even though you're really not. Sure. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm the kid you let shoot the last basket because I tried for a while. That's right. Off the bench. You're better than Pat. If I show up without a guitar, I'm already better than Pat. Pat says hi, Dom. I'm just kidding. Oh, Jesus.

I'm just joking, Pat. You're very good. Pat, people have really taken a non-liking to Pat Reagan. It has become a regular thing on this show where every guest makes fun of Pat relentlessly to the point to where now he has a lawyer that he speaks through. We don't believe that's true, any of that. I love it.

So welcome to the show, guys. This is going to be a blast. Every week, comedians sign up, and then we talk to them about anything at all. Maybe we add something that they could talk about. Maybe we find out more about their lives. Anything can happen. They do 60 seconds.

Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. There it is. There it is. There it is. That means wrap it up then, Earl. You're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. There we go. That's what happens when you run your time. A bear comes out.

So don't do that, everybody. You're acting weird today. Am I missing something? No, I think you're just acting weird. Oh, that, everybody. You're acting weird today. Am I missing something? No, I think you're just acting weird. Oh, okay, Brian. He's acting eccentric. You're acting great, Tony. Thank you, Pat's lawyer.

Thank you, Brian. You guys are doing a great job, everybody. Let's start the show. Are you guys ready or what? Acting weird. You ready to rock? Can you hear me at all? About what?

I was just shitting all over you. You can't even hear me. Now you can hear me, right? Now you can hear me. What did I do? I just said you weren't acting weird. You were acting very eccentric. You just seemed like those trust fund kids that get an easel and just paint landscapes their whole fucking life.

Speaking of easels and painting. Now you have to communicate with people and it's a little weird. Yeah, it's a whole thing. Tony, can I say something? Keeping this thing on its helm is quite the... You do a great job, man. Can I just say one thing before the show starts? Yeah.

These two women are so beautiful sitting in the front. I got to say, I know one of you is obviously hotter than the other, but would she mind taking a bow? There's a hot one. Wow, she actually did it. Wow. What a terrible human being. Unbelievable. What a terrible human being You never said Unbelievable That will haunt their friendship

That'll come out in like 20 fucking years Remember the fucking bow? Like in 2016 when you bowed How do you know he wasn't talking about me? Let's start this show Because I had fringe on my jacket We're going to watch 60 seconds of uninterrupted comedy Are you fuckers ready for this?

Alright, the first comedian performing tonight goes by the name of Jesse Rothenberg. Doing a great job, Pat. Thank you. You think you could do me a favor for this joke? It's just part of the joke. If you could stand up and salute me real quick.

Just do it. Okay. Oh, thanks so much. That was really nice of him. It's also why I think Donald Trump might become president. Just compliment someone, put it in the context of a joke, and an idiot will make a fool of himself.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. How much time do I have left? Wow, it's a really casual set for you. Checking in on the time, doing crowd work on path. So, okay, that was 47 seconds when you asked, but it's one minute now.

Let's just put an end to this, shall we? Oh, thank you. That was an interesting way to get to that Trump thing. You made Pat do that whole thing. Yeah, I know. How did... Yeah, but didn't you kind of fuck him with the music on the way up? Like, he's gonna suck. You put it in for his move.

It's like, can we fucking, can you give him a chance? That doesn't happen to any... He fucked you before you got up here, man. You get a mulligan on that one. It's interesting. We do that so they know when the actual timer starts. So it's not like a fade.

I didn't notice it at all. It didn't throw him off. It was going to be that bad no matter what music played him up. He could have had... I tried, man. I tried to get you another swing. Well, you did 47 seconds,

but with the laughs, it was 47 seconds. Oh, thank you. What's your story, Jesse? Where are you from? Philadelphia, originally. Oh, Dom's from Philly. Oh, yeah.

My man. It's the city of love. Fuck you. How long have you been on stand-up, Jesse? Like a year. Here in L.A.? Yeah. What do you do for work?

I'm an analyst, like a data analyst. Just bullshit, you know? What kind of data? What are you analyzing? What people buy at the company. So it's just like numbers and such. Now that bit, what if Pat wasn't there? You wouldn't have done that bit, right?

So you just kind of just did it that way? No, no. I would have done it to the whole crowd instead of just him. I thought because you guys make fun of him, it might work a little bit better. You would have made them all stand up and salute you? Yeah. No, he would have picked one guy. You know what he's saying. I don't know. Maybe not. He would have picked one guy.

He would have done that. We were shitting on him. He thought it would work. It didn't work. Fuck, this is fucking brutal. Is this going to be an hour of this? I don't want to do this to people. It's fucking horrible. Nobody can be funny in a fucking minute. Is this going to be an hour of this? I don't want to do this to people. It's fucking horrible. Nobody can be funny in a fucking minute. It's stupid. You have to have a fucking two seconds. Oh, it happens a lot.

Jesse just took a real bullet there. Fuck this. This is stupid. You're fine. You're fine. Hey, Bill. Bill, you're getting a little cranky. Hey, Bill. Jesus Christ.

Bill, you're getting a little cranky. Go count your money, will you? I'm not getting cranky. I'm sticking up for him. You guys are throwing him under the fucking bus. Don't you raise your voice to me. He threw himself under the bus. Huh?

He threw himself under the bus. Jesus. There's one more, and then I'm out. All right? There's another one. Mean just to be fucking mean. I'm not doing this for a fucking... Trying to bring it up here.

I love it. Jesse, you did so bad, one of our guests is about to quit. I don't know what else to tell you. Oh, if there's a negative lining, Tony will find it. There it is, right between the ray of sunshine. There's that little nugget of negativity, you fucking cunt. Smarmy fucking cunt. Smarmy fucking cunt.

Jesus Christ. That's pretty much it. That's the route that I have to take. So I'm riding it hard. I love it. Let's move on. Maybe somebody will do better than Jesse. I don't think we're going to get anything out of him. Turns out...

There he goes. Data and numbers. Data and numbers. I'm excited about this. I hope to God somebody does okay. Because the pressure is on now. No, it isn't. Put your hands together for Joe.

This is an opening creative environment here. It gets there sometimes. It's going to get there. I believe in it. Put your hands together for Jody Hill, everyone. Yeah! You guys, I really hate to brag, but I've got a friend with a big old dick.

Like, I haven't seen it yet, but, like, he's never not talking about it. I asked him the other day if he was gonna do his taxes. He's like, nah, man, that's some little dick shit. It's like, no, you should do your taxes. It's pretty important. I love the idea of, like, a super you should do your taxes. It's pretty important. I love the idea of a super progressive couple having a baby. And they're in the doctor's office, and the doctor's like, it's a boy.

And they're like, actually, that's up to him. That's not your choice to make. That's my minute, I think. That's 35 seconds. Jesus. You want to just pretend like it's a minute? Okay. Jody Hill, everyone. How about a salute?

We'll do a salute. Salutes are funny. Jody, your pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon shirt goes perfect with your stoned red eyes. Matches perfectly. I like your style, man. Where are you from? Vegas. Wow. How long have you been in LA? Since January.

What do you do for work? I don't yet. I saved money to move here, so I'm not working yet. What did you do in Vegas? I worked at a mine. I ran heavy equipment. You worked in a mine? Yeah. How are your lungs? It's not like an underground.

A lot of people think I'm using a pickaxe or something. Were you the canary? Yeah. No, I just drove giant trucks and stuff. You said that right out of the gate. You said heavy machinery in a mine. Right out of the gate. You said heavy machinery in a mine. Right out of the gate. I've been waiting for him to get to the big yellow truck.

What did you mine? What was the material? What was the good? It was like, they called it rare earth, but it was more... Did you work in a computer game? No, it's like they make computer chips and magnets and stuff with whatever they're mining. Were you born and raised

in Vegas? No. No, I was born in Sacramento. Oh, wow. You just made the jump. Yeah. Interesting. So, how's L.A. treating you? What do you notice different? What's going on? I can do comedy a lot more. I couldn't do it that much in Vegas. I was doing

maybe two or three mics a week in Vegas for a while. That's about it. A lot more traffic. Whoa, you just fell asleep during that last part. Dude, this is traffic. Do you normally go less than your time?

What are the types of things do you normally talk about? Those were just my two only jokes, probably, that are under a minute. So I did those. I didn't realize they were that short. You got to quit while you're ahead. You did a good job. They give you a minute, take 30. Yeah, I did what I could.

35 seconds of thunder. I also thought it was longer and I was rushing. Well, you gotta, you know, everything's relative. For a miner, you're really fucking funny. Thank you. So what's your plan? Like, what's the, what are you

gonna end up, what do you think you're going to do to survive? How much mining money could you possibly have saved up out there? Did you gamble at all? No, no, that wasn't my thing. That's why I had a savings. Yeah, that job paid pretty well. So I was able to save enough. He's frugal.

He's smart. He knew what he was going up against. He saved a bunch of money. And now he's trying to get As much stage time as he can He started off with a great joke The other one didn't work When you first start off Time goes by

You know You think You did an hour And you only did 30 fucking seconds We've all been there That's what's going on here I love it Anything else interesting

About you Jody? I don't fucking know No not really You guys pretty much I had a feeling Nice to you, Jody? I don't fucking care. No, not really, you guys. Pretty much. I had a feeling. Nice to meet you, Jody. Thanks for coming on the show. Good job, man.

Jody Hill. He's on Twitter at The Jody Hill. The real guy. It's nice to see an artist go with money, right? He's going to get a deal of probably, you know, buy an apartment building or something. Right? Instead of going out and getting something with rims on it. Normally wise investors don't wear the dark

side of the moon t-shirt so proudly. I think the fix is in here. What are you digging for, Dom? Guys. What are you going into your wallet for? We're in the middle of a show. Don't pay attention to me. Please, just go back to your little bullshit show.

Digging in his wallet. You, just go back to your little bullshit show. He's digging in his wallet. You should know better than to stop me when I'm digging. I don't think I get that. Yeah, me neither. If you say it fast enough timing, they think it's funny. I pulled another name out of the bucket. It looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Joey Wrench.

So, I'm at an interesting time in my life. I thought I'd be manlier at this point. Like, I eat a lot of meat in my diet. You can't tell because I'm cursed with a vegan's body, but it's in there. Never been in a fight before. Never done one of those. I feel like if someone tried to push my chest

in the hopes of a physical altercation, I'd just panic and slap the glasses off my own face and just hope you go away. It's not all bad, though. My situation, like, currently I live in the hood. Like, here's how hood I live. They tag on the bushes. One of the old wise gangsters tried to recruit me.

When he tried, I was like, uh, does your gang have an IT department? No? Then I'm not qualified. Thanks, guys. Fuck yeah, Joey W guys. Fuck yeah. Joey Wrench. 45 seconds. Everybody's doing short tonight.

I didn't want to hear the bear. I like that. Do you guys got another gig tonight? What? He's got to do two minutes across the street. I wish, man. Two minutes? That's a lot of time. I've done this show ten times. I've never seen it. Everybody's

fucking sure. It's hilarious. Joey, where are you from? It's your first time on the show, right? First time. Southern California. From Ontario, California. Inland Empire. Inland Empire. What ghetto do you live in?

It's right next to MacArthur Park. Like kind of near downtown on the border where all the gangsters live. Skid Row-ish. Do you ever feel threatened? No, I don't. No one messes with me. It's kind of nice. If anybody has a noose, I'd like it.

I'm not going to fucking hang myself during this interview. You still live out there? Yeah, it's great. That's a grueling drive in traffic. It is. Yeah, it's right next to the 101 and the 10, and it's terrible. Party. So what do you do out there?

How are you surviving? I work for a staffing company It's like I temp How old are you? 26 What have you been doing? Before that I worked in the medical field Yeah Again another big part

We like this comedian buddy He seems depressed You can play high school For like the next five years You can play high school for the next five years You can play high school Get an agent, man Because you're smarter than the 16-year-olds going out for this shit that aren't paying attention

For you, it's real You look young, you lace it I have no contacts I don't know where to get you from there But that's a starting point You said I look young, so that made my night You're also very cute I'm also very cute.

I'm also very cute? You're adorable. Isn't he adorable? I like the hesitation. You're not funny, but you're cute. Oh, thanks. So that's fun. What kind of temping do you do? Basically, I'm just a personal shopper.

I hang out in a grocery store, i buy food huh yeah it's like people complain about their day jobs i can't because i hang out in like a whole foods what do you do to stay sane living in ontario because i was just there on friday i did shows there and i drive out there and i always just talk with them about how there's nothing there there is nothing there there. All you do is hang out at the local mall and drink at a TGI Fridays. That's what you do. Period. You could do a TGI Fridays campaign. You could be the excited

kid out of high school. What nationality are you? You seem sort of like everyone. Irish, German, and Filipino. Wow. Yeah. That's an interesting combo. My client thinks that's sexy. Oh, wow. Out of nowhere's an interesting combo. Super interesting. My client thinks that's sexy. Oh, wow. Out of nowhere.

Look at that. I didn't even see him whisper into the lawyer's ear on that one. I just feel like they have a real connection. Do you need an attorney? Sorry. Sorry. When you're a personal shopper, do you get to use your own cards, like your own rewards cards and shit like that? Nope. No perks. That's what I said. When you're a personal shopper, do you get to use your own cards, like your own rewards cards and shit like that? Nope.

No perks. That's what I said. You get food for people and then what? Do they come down and you hand it to them? No, like a driver comes and I hand it off to them. And then it's not my problem anymore. So Whole Foods doesn't have their own employees. They hire a temp agency to bring you in to get the stuff off the shelves.

It's the American dream. I get a check, man. That's all I'm worried about. My client's interested if Bill Burr has advice for this comedian. Yeah, I would just say just slow down a little bit. Slow down a little bit. The more you do your jokes, the more they'll come off natural. And you won't be like, I don't know, if you were in your head trying to remember them.

I remember I was in my notebook for the first year and a half, you know, and I would just be like having a teleprompter go. I would just slow down a little bit. That's it. It's not a threat. It's just, you know. It's made me feel bad. Thank you, Bill Burr.

No worries Anything for Joey Dom? Well if he slows down then you'll have a whole minute Yeah right Fuck yeah There was something about his rhythm I thought was funny I thought he had a couple good jokes Yeah and I totally agree with Andrew

You have a cool look I'd say you know It seems like Ontario is a miserable place to live. It's terrible. You're born and raised there. You've been there your whole life. You're 26. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know if you want to be temp grocery shopping forever. Like, that sounds like the start of some, like, season of Fargo or something. I feel sad. It's a creepy job to have, like, a cool character in a something, but not in real life. No. I feel so sad about my life right now. Well, sometimes that's where

you gotta get to. Isn't that why he's doing this? This is his way out. There you go, man. This is the ray of light. Yeah, keep going towards it. Keep going towards the light. Stay away from Ontario. Yeah, I will do. Joey Wren. There you go. Alright, Joey.

There he goes. He, I will do. Joey Wrench. There you go. All right, Joey. There he goes. He's not on Twitter. How is that even possible that he's not on Twitter? I don't know. Maybe it hasn't gotten out to Ontario, California yet. Guess what? All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket, and it is the name of Brian Vokey.

I had to go to court a couple months back. I didn't realize I had my knife on me so I got to the metal detector. And I didn't want to run back to my car, so I thought I'd ditch it in the bushes. Which is apparently the same idea a whole fucking army had. You would not believe the arsenal I found in the courthouse bushes. It looked like an Easter egg hunt at Ted Nugent's house. Dude, if they had found half of these weapons in Iraq, it would have completely justified the invasion. Protesters would have put down

their signs, cut off their dreads, had a steak with their father. Things would have been different. So anyways, my niece's birthday a couple days ago and I was so broke I didn't know what to get her. And I was like, oh yeah, courthouse bushes. So I ran up to the courthouse,

and I got some stuff, and I was like, happy birthday, Kendall. I got you a handgun and a grenade. Fuck yeah, 57 seconds. That's Brian Mokey. That's fun stuff. Thank you. That was great, man. Thanks. There's a lot of fun things you could probably find in this bush.

Like throwaway phones. There's like grocery store phones and shit like that. Yeah, yeah. Usually I go deeper into that, but you know. Yeah. That was great, man. What were you going to court for? Yeah. Good question. You know, sometimes when you're hard to look on money You lie and say you're homeless when you're not on your food stamps And then you get fraud

Damn, you mean they investigated you collecting change with food stamps? I was not reporting my income to them And I was getting, you know, inflated benefits And they came down on you. How did you get caught? When I filed my taxes. So didn't you know that day was coming?

In my mind I was like, that's seven years, whatever. So you didn't claim what? The food stamps? I didn't claim my real income because I was a contractor. So they didn't see it when it was happening in real time but I knew when I filed my taxes. Seven years you did that? I'd like to remind everyone

to file their taxes. Thank you Pat's lawyer. That's a very good point. Listen, I knew what was happening but debt's not real. I don't believe in it so I accumulate some debt and I move on. April 15th's coming up. I mean you knew it was going to be, you knew it was gonna be you knew it was gonna happen

like how many cans of SpaghettiOs did you stockpile until like I mean did you at least use oh I was eating organic beef and shit aren't there bigger fish to fry like what's the government this dude's a fucking psycho man this guy

is gonna get his own show and he's gonna be a fucking lunatic. He has no remorse, no guilt, no fucking responsibility for your own actions. You're a fucking dirtbag. Fucking dirtbag. Wow. God help this guy when he gets some fucking power in the world.

It's going to be bad. So what did you get? What did the court give you? Some, you know, what's it called? Garnished wages. Oh, that's it? No, I didn't get a charge. I would have given him 15 to life. Did you walk in with this attitude? Yeah, yeah, whatever.

That's eating fucking Kobe beef every night. I knew you were going to put me in jail. What do you got? What am I doing, three days, three years? I don't give a fuck. It's not real to me anyways. You guys are all a cartoon in my head. Can I fuck your daughter?

What the fuck? This dude is a lunatic. Bill, what happened to the nice guy thing? No, I'm nice to nice people. This guy, you know, he cost us all money here, young man. Hey, I'm also a veteran of the United States Army, so I put some time in. That means you didn't study. You didn't study in high school.

That's true. What the fuck did you do? What did you do? Well, I did military intelligence. What did you do? I did military intelligence. What did you do? I don't believe you. 25 Romeo. 25 Romeo, Alpha Bravo.

What, you're just saying letters now? That's all you could be doing. But I know what I'm talking about. Do you? Yes. I want to see your tax returns. Hey, I'm talking about. I don't know. Do you? Yes! I want to see your tax returns. Hey, I'm an astronaut. Fucking 3-2-1 blast off.

What the fuck? Sorry, we should be talking about traffic like all the other ones. I love it, Brian. Ooh, shots fired. Yeah. Shots fired. You are interesting as fuck. Tell us something else about you. I'm a preschool teacher.

Wow. I can't believe you're the only one on the show so far that's been employed by an actual job. It's insanity. Preschool teacher that got arrested for food stamps. I didn't get arrested. You just get a letter and then you show up to a court date.

It's not a big deal. But you were scamming the... I was hungry, dog. Do you take the knife to the preschool class? Jump! Do you throw your knife in the bush outside the preschool that you But you had a job. Yeah. Do you throw your knife in the bush

outside the preschool that you work at? No. No, no, no. Wow, man. That is some interesting shit. So, how long have you been

preschool teaching for? Seven years. Get the fuck off. But I had a year break because I moved to LA and I had to find a job here. So, I had like six months where I actually wasn't employed.

And then, honestly, to be be honest it's just I didn't report my income changing I was in the status when I filed for it but it's funnier to talk about it like I just scammed it from the beginning but it turned into a scam so it is a scam

I was waiting for you to save me it was getting boring well that's fun Brian do you talk about being a preschool teacher at all? how long have you been doing stand up? three years did I ask you where you're from? Oakland, California tough neighborhood?

yeah I'm from Atlanta but I lived in Oakland for nine years, yeah. Most of Oakland is a tough neighborhood. So you only live in black communities? Pretty much, yeah. That's why you're such a tough guy, right? Do you find any of these preschool kids cute?

It took a long time. Every time a comic hears I teach preschool, it goes to pedophilia like that, instantly. It's always on comics minds. I don't know why. I don't know why the horse came out on that. I remember him when we talked about him being a child molester last time. You definitely have the face of one.

I don't know about... I actually think you seem like kind of a nice guy. And like you said, you probably built it up for the joke. And I don't think you look like a psycho. I feel like you look like you'd front like a 90s alt band. I toured in bands for a long time. Yeah?

This timeline of yours is really crazy. Seven years teaching preschool. Yeah, yeah, as a teacher. 22 years in the military. You know you have the summers off. I fronted a band. You can look me up on Spotify. Neon Piss. Check out my band.

The armpits? Neon Piss. Neon Piss. So who's next? Yeah. I'm joking. All right. Great job, man.

That was fun. All right. Brian Vokey, everybody. There he goes. Brian Vokey on Twitter. B-R-Y-A-N-D-O-K-E-Y. That's interesting. Yeah.

Who we got next? Who we got next, Tone? Let's do it. Let's go back to the podcast. He didn't hit a minute either, did he? It's interesting. We got an expert. We got an next tone. Let's do it. Let's go back to the bucket. He didn't hit a minute either, did he? Just under it. Just right about there. He was good.

I liked him. Yeah. Pulled another name out of the bucket. How about Jarrell Benesfre? Hey. You guys thought I was going to be black before I got up here, huh? If I had one wish, I wish I was black from the waist down. Not the size, but the color.

Because you know what they say, the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice. My egg roll is more of a sweet and sour right now. And know what you're thinking why would you waste one wish for like tasty black testicles um if you add the word but to it you could add on to the wish man there's loopholes like i wish i had tasty black testicles but i had the power to fly, but I had the power to time travel, fucking, I don't know. That's all I got. Thank you. Fuck yeah.

39 seconds of Jor-El Ben-Escar. Fuck yeah. How's it going, Jor-El? Pretty good. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is like my fifth time now. Fifth time ever. That's fun.

How long ago did you start? Like a month ago Alright, how's it been going for you? I fucking bombed downstairs That was tonight? Was that your first time going up at the comedy store? Fuck yeah I thought we were upstairs

Just kidding, I'm just kidding I'm sorry Bill You know what's good though Bill you know what's good though you know what's good is you have a concept of bombing there are those maniacs that are just like dude I killed I was crushing it they fucking love me and you're sitting there going like dude you fucking ate it

I would kill myself if I had a set like that you know and they totally think that so it's good did you talk about the saint like your delicious black dick downstairs that is an interesting approach that you have So it's good. Did you talk about the saying, your delicious black dick downstairs? Yeah. That is an interesting approach that you have.

I mean, you call black balls tasty at one point, and it's like, well, how do you, like, what does that, why that word? Why tasty? Why would you want tasty black balls in that thing? Have you ever had them in your mouth before? Are they tasty? Is that a thing? Adjectives are the least of your concern

on your fifth time doing stand-up. He's like, what jacket am I going to wear? Yeah, that's pretty much. What are you supposed to say? Revolting black balls? Well, I mean, I don't know. Depends on what you think black balls are. I have black balls.

What was that, Pat's lawyer? I have black balls. Wow. Sorry. You have the timing of an actual lawyer You know that Bobby Lee has black balls But for real I don't know if you've ever seen that

You could actually see a picture on the internet But his balls are black as fuck Or watch his closing bit Do you ride a motorcycle, Jarrell? That's a thick jacket. No, I don't. Yeah, man, when you get on stage, I know it looks good,

but you just got to be comfortable. Just wear a t-shirt. Don't worry about the way you look. Everybody else is, you know. All right. Let me ask you something. I know that you're nervous, but when you're going to do all that dick stuff

in that short of time, what do you think is going to happen? Do you think one manager is going to go to the other manager? You've got to see this kid. You've got to see this fucking kid. Right now, I don't care. I just want to get up. But do you understand? What's that, Bill?

That's what he should think. He's only been doing it five times. I thought he did six. Excuse me. Sorry. How do you make money, Jarrell? You're from LA? No, I'm from Moreno Valley. Sorry, Bill.

From where? Moreno Valley. Where's that? It's like near Riverside. And you still live there? Yeah. What do you do for work? I work at Target.

Oh, shit. Wow, what part? I stock shit. Nobody gets more pussy than those guys from Target. Target pussy! Let's see them all the time. Hot chicks draped around a red polo. Well, Jarrell, that's fun.

That's a long drive, huh? A couple hours from Riverside every time? Yeah. Hey, at least least you bumped twice. It's one hour, 49 minutes. How did the other... Thank you, Pat's lawyer. How did the other four shows go?

Anything better, anything different? Where was your first time at? Big Wangs. Was the first time your best? No, the second time was the best. I do better with black people, I think. Oh, interesting. Yeah, especially when you're telling them

their balls are so tasty. I'm pretty sure they did like that. That motherfucker funny. What is he, an Eskimo? Look at that motherfucker. Looks like a motherfucking Eskimo. Oh, shit. No motorcycle

at all? Nothing at all? Do you want one? Well, we're giving away a motorcycle today. What's this Twitter handle that you have here? Is that a Twitter handle? He drew a dick. That's a dick. I'm very naive to these things.

That's how you draw a dick on the keyboard of a phone. So Jarrell, what are some of your favorite things? What's your goal? Other than to just do spots. Any other big ideas or anything? Fuck, man. I'm going to school. What are you going to school for

theater show us some acting right now let's do Romeo and Juliet I'd rather sing for you man I'd love to hear you sing you just volunteered to sing at a comedy show fuck yeah this is like Manny Pacquiao on Kimmel do we get to pick the song

I don't know man what nationality are you? Filipino. This is Filipino night on Kill Tony, by the way. Even the white guys are like, yeah, I'm 10% Filipino. All right, what do you want to sing? Fuck it. All the songs on you,

Quest that, we're dancing like we're naked. Ooh, it's almost like we're sexing. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's almost like we're sexing. Oh, yeah. Yeah, boo, I like it. You know I can't deny it. But I know you can tell I'm excited. Oh, girl.

Okay. All right. I'm pretty sure. That's a copyrighted song. You shouldn't play it on the podcast. You guys can't play on YouTube. That's right. That's a copyrighted song. You shouldn't play it on the podcast. You guys can't play it on YouTube. That's right. That's right. Do you sing that to girls and stuff?

What's your deal? That's what I did. Does that work for you? Yeah, it does. Wow. You ever do that at Pinkberry? Where's Pinkberry? It's a yogurt place.

You take a girl and you sing to her and get some yogurt. You ever do that? No, I haven't. You should try it maybe. All right. Good luck, man sing to her and get some yogurt? You ever do that? No, I haven't. You should try it, maybe. Alright. Hey, do the Latinas like yogurt? Yes, they do. Anything else like big black chips?

No, the Latina ones, man. Oh, girls like yogurt, man. You know they like that song, but you don't know they like yogurt? Is that your thing, Latina girls? They don't really eat yogurt. They just like chips of ice. So, uh... I don't really eat yogurt. They just like chips of ice. I don't know why that... All right, forget it. It was a pregnancy joke, right?

I really just was thinking the other joke. No, it was more a joke about how it's just disgusting and cheap and flavorless. It's just sort of more about how poor they are. Frozen grapes. Don't pregnant women chew ice? I think so. All right, Jarrell.

It was nice to meet you. Thanks for coming on the show. There he goes. Fifth time on stage ever. That's always fun. Some brand new people. It's a weird, weird episode. You just keep talking about how weird it is.

I love your style, Brian. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Lindsay Jennings, everybody. I recently learned that they're now using aborted baby fetuses for stem cell research. And also for mascara. I don't really get why people

are mad about it, though. At least they didn't die in vain. And they're not animal testing. They're already dead. It used to be you only thought you were going to have dead babies on your face if a guy was jizzing on your face. Now we're letting them mature a little bit more. So now every time a dude comes into a condom,

he's wasting precious mascara. We need that shit. There's a lot of ugly bitches hiding under a lot of cum. I actually had a pregnancy scare myself recently and I was like, fuck dude, if I'm pregnant I'm gonna fucking kill myself.

And then I was like, wait, actually if I I'm pregnant, I'm going to fucking kill myself. And then I was like, wait, actually, if I'm pregnant, I'm just going to kill the baby. Luckily, I didn't have to do either because he didn't exist. And that's that. Thank you, guys. That's it. Lindsay Jennings. First one to do your time tonight. Did her time.

Very, very uplifting. First one to make it to the cat noise. Yeah. Nailed it. How's it going, Lindsay? Good. I got up last week, so I wasn't expecting to get up this week. But I'm stoked.

You're amazing, so thank you for being here. Thank you. Sorry, Don. I'm enjoying this. That did not sound sincere. Hour of awkwardness so Lindsay that's fun do you really almost have a pregnancy scare

not really just like I'm off birth control so and then yeah living dangerous why do you clap for that because birth control makes women crazy man it's good to see like their normal self

and their normal hormones and stuff it is true that some girls have like a reaction so like girls who go off birth control like one guy

I heard a story actually I think on Rogan's podcast where like the wife left the husband cause like she just totally changed her mind about everything

it was like right when the birth control ended yeah it definitely... I was on it for like 10 years. It's just not good for you either. Hormonally. How long have you been off it? How long have you been clean? I'm on day...

Today's day one of my sober 21 days I'm doing though. There you go. So you've been having thicker periods? What? Okay. All right. There you go.

There's the rent band moment. All of a sudden, brought to you by Squirt, your favorite beverage since 1972. What do you mean? Well, you're going to have thicker periods. It doesn't matter what he means. Heavier flow, I think is what he's asking for. No, I've always had a heavy flow. I was wondering what

that smell was. Come on, Bill. Give it a look. Still waiting to get it. Still waiting to get it. Did everyone get an Academy Award when you guys won, or was it just the director for Mad Max? I got one, too.

You got the statue? I love that. Now you actually have a tattoo on the side of your head. I mean, how long of a process was that? It was quick actually because it's pretty thin lining. No, I don't know.

I know nothing about the tattoo world. I think it was actually like 40 minutes. It's not too bad. Now you have a lot of tattoos on your body. Is that something that started young I don't know. I know nothing about the tattoo world. I think it was actually like 40 minutes. It's not too bad. Wow. Now, you have a lot of tattoos on your body. Is that something that started young or like have you just been piling them on? How does that work? Yeah, it started when I was 15.

I got my ex-boyfriend's name tattooed on me like jailhouse style, but it was just a bunch of black dots because we got it in braille, which was fucking retarded. No, that's smart. That way it doesn't say like Justin or something stupid. It was smart, but it wasn't really braille. I just tell people it's aarded. No, that's smart. That way it doesn't say Justin or something stupid. It was smart, but it wasn't really braille. I just tell people it's a constellation. Yeah, that was the idea. It's obviously not really braille if you can't feel it. It was only technically braille

for the first couple days. So what is it now? Just some dots? Just black dots, but you can't see it. It's in here. What was his name? Anthony. Wow. That's a lot of dots. My client wants to know what her second boyfriend's name was. That's an interesting question.

Anthony. Anthony. Why don't you just go with Tony 2? Anthony in Italian. Anthony Luciano from New York. You know what I'm saying? Say their addresses too. This is not broadcast right now.

That's fun, Lindsay. And what do you do for work again? I work at a weed shop. Oh, yeah, that's right. You're kidding. Stop it. No way. What?

And you smoked pot for how long? And you're a day two of no pot. Day one. Twelve years. Any withdrawals? No. But it's like you get rid of one vice and you fill it with another. So I already had like four iced coffees today.

So I'm like. Oh, Jesus. That's what we call that. Attorneys love pot. Oh, what a bad girl. Oh, iced coffee. You're going to be really nervous tonight. I would like to go on the road with you.

On the road with me? Not as a stand-up, just on the road. Oh, that's fun. Anything crazy happen at the pot store in life? Anything like that lately? Since last week. Yeah, since a week ago. I got Chucky on my shoulder.

That's something. Oh, wow. What made you get Chucky? Because I was afraid of him when I was a child. Terribly afraid. So it's like overcoming your fears, you know? Yeah. I was afraid. Just like not watch the movie. It's too late.

Were you in that movie? You kind of look like Chucky. I kind of do look like Chucky. Yes, I do. It's actually Bill Burr. Just a bad drawing. Jesus. Oh, Jesus.

What sucks is that that's the moment that you're going to remember out of this whole thing is the Chucky Bill Bur Bird joke that didn't work. Lindsay. Yeah, that is an interesting thing. Like, I've always looked at tattoos. I once had a buddy that got a tattoo a few years ago because he had like this horrible year or whatever. And his, like, grandma died and all this stuff that never really seemed like that big of a deal to me.

But he went and he got a tattoo. Somebody else's grandma? Yeah, well, I mean, he went and got a tattoo on his leg that said, forget, I can't remember what year it was, forget 2007 or something like that. It's like you're never going to fucking forget that year now. I mean, what an idiot, right?

I totally cut him off from being friends with me after he got the tattoo, pretty much only for that reason. I don't know what I'm getting at here. I know what you were getting at. You might as well put, remember 2007 when your grandmother fucking died and you were miserable. Just have it all written down there.

Say forget. I would love to see you do and I'm not conservative about material at all, but you went so mean and so like with the babies and the mascara and everything was like, you know, being on the edge of outrageousness does not make it funny.

You know, and I know you can be funny and I saw your stage presence, but I think you're trying too hard to be way out there. Like people are going, I can't believe she fucking said that. But they're not laughing. You know what I mean? The key to comedy is to get them actually laughing. I think you could do it

but I just think you need a completely new act thanks I did better last week just saying alright there you go Lindsay Jennings everybody Lindsay Jennings is on Twitter at Lindsay Jennings with a Z at the end instead of an S

Lindsay Jennings one a Z at the end instead of an S. Lindsay Jennings. One thing that I always ask guests when it's their first time on, like we saw Jor-El. That was his fifth time ever on stage. Was there ever anything that you guys, I've probably asked Dom this a few times, so I'll just go to you

too. Is there anything that you guys did when you first, very, very first started stand-up that you can't when you first uh very very first started stand up but like you can't believe you talked about or thought about or did uh looking back on it yeah probably everything i was doing i just more like i watched a vhs tape of myself way back in the day like five years ago and i couldn't believe just how fucking just horrific i remember i was afraid to take the mic out of the mic stand because I thought the cord was going to come out. And I was standing there

and I was doing my jokes. I remember how Donald Trump used to go, you're fired. For some reason I was telling my jokes and I was just doing this. For me, it wasn't even what I was talking about. Because if you're doing it that little amount of time, you really can't criticize somebody's act.

Five years ago, Bill? Five years ago, what? You were can't criticize somebody's act. Five years ago? Somebody's act. Five years ago, Bill? Five years ago, what? You were doing that? No, no. I was saying I watched the tape five years ago. Oh, okay. Because fucking five years ago, you were fucking great already. Yeah, because I switched to this. I was doing it like that. No, I was just, man, the big thing for me was just getting comfortable. I would go way too fast

and then when I took the mic out of the mic stand, I would just pace, like, crazily to the point I was, like, sweating, and my movement had nothing to do with what I was talking about. I can't believe I got any laughs whatsoever. So I don't remember the jokes probably, you know, out of the horror of what I was talking about. I would move the mic stand up and down so much that people weren't even paying attention to me. They're just watching me, like, hypnotize them with this thing going forward and backward like I was talking about. I would move the mic stand up and down so much that people weren't even paying attention to me. They're just watching me hypnotize them with this thing going forward and backward

like I was shifting. And finally, I was just like, what am I doing? Yeah. My first set was on The Tonight Show. Pretty Prince, everybody. I remember something that I thought was very funny. Looking back, I was doing stand-up,

and it was the first time I ever did it in front of my family. My cousin Johnny was fucking crazy and guys weren't laughing and he got in a fight with them. Because, what the fuck are you not laughing at? He's fucking good. And he starts fucking... Johnny goes, you're fucking funny. I go, but

Johnny, you gotta let it develop. He was like fucking mad at people. Imagine one of us just diving into the crowd. What the fuck are you not laughing for that? That's good shit. As a young lawyer, I once vomited on a jury. Oh, wow. Pat, did you

tell him to say that? Hey, lawyer, why don't you shut the fuck up a little bit, alright? Pick your moments. You're here on Pat's behalf. Do you need legal representation concerning your name, Kill Tony? Are you under threats? No, I'm okay. And you know what?

Don't listen to Pat anymore either. I pulled another name out of the bucket. It's Morgan Brief. How you doing everybody? So I just had a crazy weekend My future brother-in-law had his bachelor party at Las Viejas Down in Alpine, outside of San Diego For any of you who doesn't speak Spanish

Las Viejas is Spanish for old ladies Getting an invitation to a bachelor party at a place called Old Ladies Is like having the shittiest hype man in the world What's up Pat? Oh, you're over here Sorry about that Anyway a place called Old Ladies is like having the shittiest hype man in the world. What's up, Pat? Oh, you're over here. Sorry about that. Anyway, Las Vegas is like the craziest thing to ever have to drive four and a half hours to traffic to, especially when your pear-shaped brother-in-law always giggles at the word titties or anything like that.

So obviously I'm the alpha male of the group. And I'm sitting there talking to his buddy Phil for the first time and I was like oh this guy seems pretty together he's like a real estate agent alright whatever so you ready to hit the table Phil you ready to you know go spit some game and he's like oh jeez starts squirming around like somebody stabbed a rat he's like no man

can't be spitting indoors that's ridiculous I was like no you know what just forget it just forget it. Just forget it, man. Anyway. Sounds like a real happening bachelor party. Morgan, brief. Hi, Morgan. How's it going, buddy?

Say what? How are you? I'm pretty good, actually. Where are you from? Santa Ana. This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah, it's my first time doing stand-up comedy. First time ever doing stand-up comedy. Is that where the racetracks are, Santa? Santa Ana. This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah, it's my first time doing stand-up comedy. First time ever doing stand-up comedy.

Is that where the racetracks are, Santa Ana? No. It's just where the racetrack is. Santa Anita. Oh. But I'm a frontrunner. If you ever need the means, I can get you inside. Do I need a jockey?

Well, no, I'm too fat, actually. Plus, I'm not bulimic. You're in very good shape. Huh. So what ended up happening at the bachelor party? Oh, man. They brought out those Groucho Marx masks with titties on them and stuff. Huh So what ended up happening At the bachelor party Oh man They like brought out You know like those

Groucho Mark masks With like titties on them And stuff And I was like Dude I'm not walking around A casino with that on That's absolutely ridiculous It was just like

A bunch of guys Who don't really Know how to cut loose They always just What do you do for work I sell window coverings Blind shade shutters It goes on a window

I'll put it there Wow I like the way you said that You You got right into your spiel. I mean, I sell them. Sell me right now. Sell me. Well, you know, your window occupies about 20% of the room that you're living in.

Number one, you asked me what's wrong with the windows I have. No, you're not thinking about how good your windows can be with a nice set of drapes. Nice interior lining. I can get you lace. You've got to identify the problem before you can solve it. Doesn't he seem like one of the guys from the commercials that goes, it feels just like real hair?

You've got a TV face, man. My grandma Ruthie would appreciate both those comments. Yeah, no, you've got a good TV face. Yeah, you can play the other guy. Oh, he's funny. Pear-shaped is funny. His demeanor is funny. And I don't know. There's something. I like him. Yeah, no, you got a good TV face. Yeah, you should play the other guy. Oh, he's funny. Pear-shaped is funny. His demeanor is funny and I don't know.

There's something. I like him. Yeah, totally. Aw. Not like that. Jesus Christ. He made it fucking weird. This has been the most

uncomfortable hour in recent memory for me. Now, and also the fact that you went out with those people and you saw that they were a bunch of dopes. That's a very comedian contrarian thing.

I'm not fucking putting this on because everybody else is putting it on. It's a very like comedian mindset. And don't go ah again or I'm going to fucking throw myself down those stairs. What's something fun about your life? What are you into? What are your hobbies and stuff? Well, I love collecting old vintage postcards, wooden spoons, and I enjoy a good video game. This feels like a game show.

Yeah. This feels like a game show. Like, that's what somebody says, like, who's on the Family Feud. How many of those answers are true? I believe the video game. Do you really collect wooden spoons? Yeah, it used to be, like, antique knives because I was pretty edgy when I was 11 and 12. That's not what I meant.

But spoons just kind of seem like a cool thing. I backpacked through North Africa and Europe, and I just like spoons. They're cool. Yeah, it's so rock and roll. Cereal tastes better, Adam. Out of a wooden spoon? No question. How many wooden spoons do Adam. Huh. Out of a wooden spoon? No question. How many wooden spoons do you have?

Probably upwards of 32. You mean exactly 32. All from different places. You know, I'm not just hitting the same spot. That's ridiculous. Is this real? Man, my name is Morgan Brief. I'm 5'4".

Dude, my whole life is just a joke, so. I just tell stories. Your last name's Brief? Yeah. Yeah. There's a story behind that you want to hear. Is it Brief? That's not up to me.

Man, now that I know you have wooden spoons hanging everywhere, this is, like, creepier than I thought it would ever be. I mean, this is some real, like, you know, I feel like that's a criminal type of thing. There's something about wooden spoons. Did it start at your first victim? No, no, no. Marina's still around.

She's good. Did someone say victim? What was that? Did somebody say criminal and victim? No, nobody said that. So, Morgan, that's interesting. Wooden spoons, video games, and what was the other thing? Vintage, preferably used postcards.

I like to shoot around the turn of the 20th century. Do you like the stories? I've collected so many that I've actually put a couple together to and from the same people across the country. It's actually very fascinating, and I enjoy it. I feel like they'd be easy

to find. Nobody else wants them. To be honest, yeah, you kind of start seeing the same people when you go to the vintage paper fair conventions. Wow. You collect wooden spoons, old postcards, and you sell curtains. Like, what saloon are you from? Like, what is... Where?

Santa what? Where do you live? Santa Ana. I live out of Old Town Orange now, but that's where I'm from, Santa Ana. So the name of the place you live is Old Town what? Old Town Orange, like the orange circle. It's down in Orange County.

Are you ticklish? You want to find out? Yeah. Come here. Morgan, is that a real... Are you... This is actually happening. This is actually happening, ladies. That's not real.

For those of you that were wondering exactly how uncomfortable a room can get, that just really happened. He lied. He's not really ticklish. Are you ticklish, Morgan? Not when I'm nervous. So when I'm already kind of shaking and convulsing. Smell his armpit. He's not even sweating.

Okay, Brian. You're really killing it tonight. Morgan, thank you. That's your time. Morgan Brief. Morgan Brief is on Twitter at OsteoFerocious. How about that? That dude was so interesting.

Like in a serial killer kind of way. Oh, totally. I don't think so. Every time somebody's a little different, everybody goes with the serial killer thing. And serial killers are probably much more normal. Yeah. Yeah, you know, they probably have... Like a blind salesman.

Aluminum spoons. Put your hands together for Michael Regilio. Regilio. You guys, I used to date a stripper let me tell you something this guy could get the paint off your walls in no time let's talk about stereotypes shall we stereotypes there's what

Sony, Panasonic Sanyo stupid you guys Panasonic. Sanyo. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. You guys, I'm doing all right, though. I'm doing all right. Interesting fact about me.

True fact. I have only thought about killing myself one time. One time. I was like 14 years old, and I thought about it for like 30 years straight. It's all right. It's all right It's alright. You guys, I'm going to get frank with you. Perhaps a little more frank than you're used to.

I don't like brown people. No, it's true. I know it's like an association thing because my ex-girlfriend went there for graduate school but I just think they're Ivy League snobs. Particularly the Mexicans. That's a minute.

Fuck yeah, that is a minute. Is it Regilio? Regilio. Regilio. Regilio. So fun. Where'd you come from? Boston, Mass.

How long have you been growing up there? Marblehead. Yeah, dude, you can't say Boston. Oh, but I lived in Boston. I went to school in Boston. Yeah dude you can't say Boston Oh but I lived in Boston I went to school in Boston Okay you can't I'm sorry Wow you guys are having a little Boston Off over there From Westford

Well you can't say Boston either then I didn't And I say north of Boston Like these assholes from Springfield You may as well be from upstate New York I lived in the city for seven years There are seven guys listening to this podcast say north of Boston. Like these assholes from Springfield. You may as well be from upstate New York. I lived in the city for seven years. There are seven guys listening to this podcast in Boston right now like, I can't believe what's happening.

Get the sauce over here. Can I say something? It pains me because it's very nice what I'm about to say. Mitch Hedberg was a very dear friend of mine. And a lot of your joke writing reminded me of him. Thank you so much. It really took us one way and hit the other way.

It was fucking great. I appreciate that. Thanks, man. Yeah, it's true. Funny as hell. How long have you been doing it in Boston? How long have I been here? I've been here 10 years.

Doing stand-up the whole time? I know. I've been doing rock music. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. What are you doing? Rock music? Rock music is on hiatus. Fuck that shit. I said offspring. Oh, offspring. Yeah, it was an offspring joke. They're all young.

They don't remember the offspring. I remember the offspring. Look at it. So what was your music life like? It was good. It was good. Did some touring. Played in some original bands. Played in some other people's bands. What was the name of your band? The last band I was in was called Useless good. Did some touring. Played in some original bands. Played in some other people's bands. What was the name of your band? The last band I was in was called Useless Keys.

We did all right. It's okay. Got on the radio. Had some fun. That's fun. Yeah. Huh. A lot of crazy.

Your original band, did you have like a go-to cover song if people were too rowdy? No, no cover song. Would you just throw out some fucking living on the prayer just to get them off you before you went back to your shit we played songs that were so good that never happened there you go that's cool where do you go up around town mostly on the east side

Hollywood Hotel, Silver Lake Lounge Pat Reagan's Stomping Ground next Friday you want to do the Deaf Squad show at the Ice House? Absolutely. Wow. Look at that. Just got a gig out of it. That's how it happens. Just like that.

We're going to fly through it. You were great, Michael. Congratulations. I appreciate that. Thanks, everybody. What do you do for work, Michael? I manage a cafe. Interesting. It's Regilio Michael. You need a picture of me and a cafe. Oh. Yeah. Interesting. I do. It's Regilio Michael.

Regilio Michael. Picture me and a baby. Fuck yeah. All right. There you go. Well, thank you, everybody. Yes. Michael Regilio.

Let's fly through another one. I like it, dude. Every time one of my friends comes on here, they do well. I love that you don't own that they're your friends until they do well, dude. Every time one of my friends comes on here, they do well. I love that you don't own that they're your friends until they do well, though. You always make sure they do good. Then you go, hey, that's one of my buddies. Maybe there'll come a point where you can say that about the lawyer

that you brought with you tonight. Like, hey, yeah, that was good. My client enjoys funny comedians. Oh, there you go. Thank you. Put your hands together for Stevie Timble. Give it to me, baby. Give it to me, baby.

Give it to me, baby. Oh, yeah. So I grew up in a very Italian family, and it was very different than the families that I grew up around. Most American families, they want their kids to do better than them. Oh, you'll be much better than me when you grow up. You'll be so great. Italian families, you only got a little of my DNA, you know, so you're not going to be quite as good as me. But maybe if you're the president someday, I'll have a little respect for you. But Italian families are the same.

They got a lot of the same games and stuff. You guys have hide and go seek. We have hide and don't tell anybody what you saw. There's duck, duck, goose here. There's duck, duck, someone shooting through the window. And finally, there's monopoly here in America. In Italy, we have monopoly on all the window. And finally, there's Monopoly here in America. In Italy, we have Monopoly on all the businesses. I felt like I wasn't personal.

I like to paint my penis green. Just when it's soft, though. I paint it green when it's soft, so when I get hard, I feel like the Incredible Hulk. Then I do my goo, and I'm back to being Bruce Banner. Fuck yeah, Stevie Timble. There you go.

Good job, man. Sir. Stevie. Stevie. Okay. Stevie. All right. Mr. Irer.

Okay. Stevie. Okay. Jesus. All right. You called me Mr. Irer. How depressing is that? Sir, you're an Italian icon.

One of the few comedians my mom laughs at. You're the only comedian my dad laughs at. I wondered how long an interview it would take for you to talk about your mom. Oh, my God, I'm Italian. She'll shoot me for hearing this. Yeah, I know. She'll shoot me for hearing this. You didn't bring me up.

What, the people don't know I'm alive still? You're a wild one. How old are you? 22. Wow. Where are you from? Los Angeles, but You were raised that Italian in Los Angeles?

My mom's from Sicily, and my dad's an East Coaster, so he tries to be like he's from Sicily. Yeah, okay. What do you do for work? I'm a bartender, and not a very good one. I drink more than I sell. Where are you bartending at?

A country club that if anyone's hearing this, I'm probably going to get fired from. I'll say the name. Ambiguous. That's fun. So, I mean, you're 22 22 did you go to college or anything I went to film school and now I'm going to school to try to do philosophy I don't know why I what is your age you sounded cool what does your dad do for work he was a police officer back east, and he's in the military now, Department of Defense. So, yeah, secret's gone. Oh, that sounds like a little relocation thing, huh? Sounds like maybe he went from...

No, no, no. I grew up here. I was born here. They moved because he got a job out here. I don't know. It's not as interesting as everybody else. It certainly isn't. No, I think it's the biggest low that we hit throughout the entire show.

But, yeah, we found out some info on you. Oh, yeah, at least you guys know. You seem so Italian. I'm not used to seeing anybody this, like, oh, from L.A. It's very bizarre. You know, people tell me I really don't see it, and that's what maybe makes me laugh when people tell me, oh, you're really Italian.

It's maybe because I bring it up, but I don't try it. I don't know anything else. I like that. Fuck yeah. All right, Stevie. I like that. 22. Good job.

I'm so excited to be here. Well, that's the end of it, so I'm glad you had that excitement. There he goes, Stevie Timble, everyone. This is the part of the show where we go through our two regulars real quick. They write and perform a brand new minute every week. They don't come out of the bucket. They do this every single week, a brand new minute. Going up first, she's been doing this for months.

You know her from this show. The one, the only, the always fun stylings of Melissa Esslinger, everybody. I was shopping the other day and I noticed that Bic makes three things. They make lighters, pens, and razors. So, like, I guess they started with the idea for a suicide kit.

I'm still watching Seventh Heaven. Yeah, those two go together. I don't really know how that show lasted so long. It lasted for 11 years. I don't know whose dick the producer was sucking, but that's a long time for a show to go on with a diddler as one of the main characters.

I don't know why I said that. Fuck balls. Speaking of balls I grew some recently I did this thing the other day This is real I was at a show Yeah okay

Okay there you go I kind of knew you were just doing that When you learn how to stall And get laughs at the same time. I was like, should I just let her go for like 20 seconds of her going, I got, I got, oh. So fun. Another good new minute. How's life going?

You're writing and performing regularly, doing a lot of spots, doing a lot, I mean, blatantly, we're watching you do better and better every week. That's always fun. Thank you. Another new minute. No more Barney jokes. Still doing that cocaine? No. I tried it. What are you guys talking

about? Is that a real thing? Remember she said she started doing cocaine. I did a joke about cocaine. I didn't say I started doing it. I said I tried it. I'm not trying to endorse that. Brian always pumping up the whole team around him. For those of you that missed the episode where Melissa mentioned she tried cocaine, Brian's here to remind you guys.

It was just a weird change. Sorry, Mom and Dad. She started doing a lot better that week, so I just thought maybe... No, that's not a real thing. I realized that I am capable of being semi-normal after that. How's life going? Everything's

good? You seem stronger on stage, more comfortable with your nervousness. Yeah, things are good. I started playing music again, and that helps a lot. Baby bass? Yeah, I have a baby bass. Is that true? I'm playing bass, but I'm little, and so I got a little

bass. Oh, that's cute. That's interesting. And I decided to commit to it. Bill, any notes or anything? Any advice that you noticed just from the 60 seconds of Melissa? I just say keep doing what you're doing. You're great. I thought the suicide kit thing was great.

Thanks. Then you tied it back in with the TV show. Yeah. Whatever you're doing, just keep doing it. Thank you. Another 10,000 fucking whatever you got to do it, you know? Thank you. Yeah.

Builds it up. Dom, you've seen Melissa a few times now. That was by far the funniest I've ever seen know? Thank you. Yeah. Builds it up. Dom, you've seen Melissa a few times now. That was by far the funniest I've ever seen her. Thank you. And I hate to get serious, but it's an amazing amount of growth because you really fucking sucked. But you're doing great. Thank you. So fun.

And that's one of the fun things about that is that watching you grow. It's very cool. There you go, Melissa Esslinger. She did it again. She's on Twitter. Melissa Esslinger. How fun. How fun. You're one and only other regular. You know from

the hit show Kill Tony. Live weekly. Very popular podcast. And she writes and performs a brand new 60 Seconds every single week. Put your hands together for Vanessa Johnston, everybody. Yeah. I don't like fetishes. I think they're scary.

Having a fetish is like being a spy. No one can know your secrets except for the people involved. I don't even have a fetish, but I'm afraid I'll catch one. The other day, I was in bed with a guy, and I started getting this weird desire to stuff peanut butter in his elbow crease. And his knee crease. Just, like, in all of his creases. Like, what if you get a fetish that you don't even want?

Like, if I'm a guy, and I see a girl wearing clogs, and then her toe pops out and my dick moves and i'm like no no i like feet i'm the feet guy i'm quitting stand-up that's exactly a minute you're not quitting how dare you wait wait wait you have a dick i don't understand that no, wait, wait. You have a dick? I don't want to understand that. No. What were you talking about you having a dick for? Is that real? No, she's saying that if you're a guy, you can't really control what your fetishes are.

So if your dick moves, basically, it's telling you you're in defeat. But I think you could just say that. You know what I mean? I think the wording on these things that you're trying to say. And also, it sounds like when you wanted to put peanut butter yeah skip just cut that part out there was no reason well I mean

or you could just say you know or you were just like in the mood for peanut butter or something is what it really seems like you had peanut butter handy did you think of peanut butter first or elbows like what order does that even go in did that really happen yeah it's a last night so you

were in the mood let's let's try to retrace these steps you were in the mood for peanut butter like you were craving some peanut butter right that came first and then like you saw what this guy's elbows and knees no i was just looking at elbow grease and i was like, I really want to lick peanut butter off of it. Elbow grease? No. Elbow grease. I was like, that's so weird. She could put peanut butter in any of my crevices. No. Lawyer.

Wait, did Pat say that? Or is this Pat's? Obviously. No comment. Oh, my God. I don't know. I was in such a weird space this week. The minute I originally was going to do started with,

I recently started masturbating with my dog. That was the start of it. With your dog? Yeah, it goes this whole misdirection thing. But I was like, don't do that. And I just did it. But anyway, the point was, my head was just in a really weird space this week.

Just weird things were happening So putting peanut butter in crevices of something And masturbating with a dog Are two totally different things all together? No, the point was Tony, you figured it out The dog thing was like I don't want to masturbate in front of my dog

It was this whole weird thing It was so weird, I don't want to talk about it I love it, let's not do it Okay, this was weird thing. It was so weird. I don't want to talk about it. I love it. Let's not do it. Okay, this was weird. We lost it. Hello, entire room. Hi, everybody.

We lost everybody at once. That was amazing. Vanessa, thank you. Thank you. Vanessa Johnston. Another new minute from Vanessa Johnston. She's on Twitter at Vanessa Johnston. You guys want to go to the bucket one last time and end this shit? Let's do it.

One last pull from the bucket and we're done. Let's see what happens. All right. Put your hands together for Alfred K. Naswa. So people love to tell me they think I sound white. Like it's some kind of compliment, which to me it's not. No offense, but it's not. And it used to really piss me off until I quickly realized every time somebody says I sound white,

my credit score goes up like 10 points. I'm up to 857 right now. That means if one more person calls me Carlton, I can buy a house. If it happens two more times, I can live in Cerritos. Here's the thing. My name is Alfred. Okay? I don't sound white.

I sound like an Alfred. I was named after my grandfather, so really I'm Alfred III, which is way too fancy of a name for me, because if you met somebody named Alfred III, you'd expect royalty. Like, at the very least, like the king of Cerritos or something. At best, I'm the hipster version of that black stormtrooper. I don't think it gets any better than that for me. That's all I got.

Yeah, that's great. Alfred, fun times. Nice to meet you. How long have you been doing stand-up? About 10 months. Nice. Where are you from? I'm from Northern California, but I live in Orange County right now.

Why Orange County? I just moved there. I worked near there, but then I work in El Segundo right now. You have a solid patch game going on there. A lot of patches. Ten months. Ten months. What do you do for work?

So I work full-time as a tax auditor. But I also... Did you fuck over the other guy? I got his number on the way out. But part-time I work for Forbes. Forbes Magazine. You work for what? Forbes Magazine. Really? No, not white at all.

Yeah, no, not at all. I didn't see that coming. What do you do for them? I write for WWE actually. We exclusively cover WWE for that branch of Forbes Magazine. WWE, the wrestling organization? Get the fuck out of here. Wow, you just became Tony's best friend. Yeah, that's so cool.

Shut the front door. How's the state of WWE's business doing right now? It's actually pretty good. Because the network's paying off, right? Yeah, the network's paying off. TV-wise, they're not where they were, but now that they have the network, it's really helping. Well, it's true.

Every Monday night, Monday Night Raw goes up against Kill Tony, and they've taken a huge hit. A huge hit. They were once the number one most watched cable show. And sorry, Vince, but we're not doing anything. Can I say that it's amazing because you do sound white. Oh, thank you. No, no, but I'm saying you must have white in your background because you sound so intelligent.

No, the white people are actually the reason. Wow, that's amazing. This is 2016, Dom! What? Heard it all before. Now, my buddy gets that a lot. My buddy gets that a lot. People will say, like,

oh, you're very well-spoken. It's like, for what? Yeah. Right. Yeah, it's the name. It happens, absolutely. What do your parents do? My dad is a vice president of a college and my mom is like a director of a non-profit. Wow.

Jeez. Damn. You sound like losers. They're from fucking Africa. Is it legit? Really? That's amazing. What college is he the vice president of? It's Woodland Community College. In the northern Sacramento area.

That's fucking awesome. Well, that's cool, man. And now you live in Orange County. You said 10 months you've lived down here. No, no, no. I've been doing stand-up for 10 months. I've lived in Southern California for like six years, something like that. But I just moved to Orange County like two years ago.

Wow. Very cool, man. You did good, man. There you go. For all you up-and-coming black comedians, now you've learned. Sound white. That's the way to get work, stand out. Alfred, congratulations.

Have a good night, buddy. It was nice to meet you. Guys, we did it. He's on Twitter. Alfred, congratulations. Have a good night, buddy. It was nice to meet you. Guys, we did it. He's on Twitter at ThisIsNasty. That's Kill Tony episode 148. For those of you keeping track, the art from house artist Ryan J. Ebald. He drew tonight's episode live. All those prints are available at RyanJEbald.com.

Yeah, buy a poster. Buy a poster. He has posters for sale right now and tonight on the front patio after the show. Jamie Vernon on the HD. Patty Reagan's Pat Reagan. Bill, anything coming up you want to promote or anything? Thanks for doing the show. Bill Burr.

Andrew Thamelis. Andrew Thamelis is Andrew Thamelis on Twitter and all that stuff. At Dom Irera. At Dom Irera. Dom Irera. Anything else coming up, Dom? I'll be in Australia for three weeks. If you happen to be in Sydney or Perth,

come up and say hello. I'll get you a hip. We have a lot of listeners in Australia. Do you really? Yeah, a ton of them. Oh, cool. See, there's some right there. No worries, mate. Alright, guys, thank you so much. Live audience, thank you. Have a great night, everybody. We'll see you again Have a great night, everybody. Thank you. Priceless to you because I put you on the hype Shit, you like it? Gunsmoke, you're righteous with one Talk, you're psychic among the possessed

You and one, go I'm feeling glad I got social