KILL TONY - KILL TONY #149

Episode Date: April 2, 2016

Bert Kreischer, Kirk Fox, Josh Martin, Jeremiah Watkins, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 03/28/2016 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Just search the iTunes store for Kill Tony and hit subscribe. And if you want to see Kill Tony live, we do it every Monday at the Comedy Store. It's an 8 o'clock show. It usually sells out, but the tickets are free, so reserve your tickets by going to the Comedy Store's website and getting Kill Tony every Monday, 8 o'clock. Also, TonyHinchcliffe.com for all the tour dates and everything you need about Tony Hinchcliffe. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates for all the Death Squad shows.

Not only do we do Kill Tony Monday, but we also have Verbal Violence, which is the podcast of the Roast Battle. That's right. Roast Battle is every Tuesday. The first and third Friday of every month, we have the Death Squad comedy show at the Ice House in Pasadena, California. And if you're listening to this, you know, when it came out. Next Wednesday we have a huge, another Death Squad secret show. That's in April. It's the first Wednesday of the month, April

6th. We will be in the Comedy Store main room. It's going to be Joe Rogan and a bunch of people, so check that out. Tickets are on sale right now at the Comedy Store. Last but not least, don't forget shopsquad.tv for all the official bunch of people so check that out tickets are on sale right now at the comedy store uh last not least don't forget shop squad.tv for all the official death squad merchandise not only do we have uh the death squad mug back in stock a lot of people wanted the death squad mug we have a very

small amount in stock right now we have two pre-orders uh the death squad hat silver stripe and death squad pill remix uh both of them pre-ordered right now. If you want to get a taste of that, go to shopsquad.tv. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Reggie. I come to you live from the real famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 3. Give it up for Kill Tony.

It's Kill Tony time. That's me. Kill Tony. Pat Reagan on the ones and twos, everybody. Brian Redband. Keep clapping, people. Brian Redband is here. Jamie Vernon on the HD camera.

Ryan J. Ebel. Drawing tonight's episode. I have no mic. We have no mic. No volume. Every fucking week, a live podcast. You guys are unbelievable. I can't wait to switch to the main room.

We start a little bit later every week. We're going to switch to the main room now. I love this shit. Anyway, Ryan J.E. Belt here, ladies and gentlemen, drawing tonight's episode. Clap for Ryan J.E. Belt now. It's a good energy in this room to start tonight's episode. Pat, you decided to go a little bit emotional tonight with the music? Yeah.

Ha ha, yeah. Really established a thunderous... I love what's going on with everything. You dropped a guitar pick in the back. Put your hands together for Jeremiah Watkins, ladies and gentlemen, on the saxophone. One half of

Reagan and Watkins. A lot of people lately. A lot of tweets I've been getting. A lot of people lately. A lot of tweets I've been getting. A lot of people loving Jeremiah on the sax over here. Jeremiah, you're so far away from the microphone. How's life going? It's going great. I'm pretty sore from a softball game that we played on Saturday.

Yeah, I played in an annual softball game that I do, and Jeremiah decided that he wanted to get in a pickle with Tony over at third base. Yeah, he thought he could outrun me, and I just chased him down straight up. And at one point he thought I was going to throw to second base, so he started to stop, but I'm getting old and I couldn't stop. And we just fucking ran right into each other about as hard as we could. I have a giant bruise over my groin area right now how bad do you guys want to see this bruise wow this is happening i want to see it now was this your head that ran into his crotch

or what part of this i don't know i'm not i not exactly sure. He told me about this earlier. Oh, wow. Oh, that's fucking disgusting. Really face it so the audience can see. Basically looks like Jeremiah pooped his pants. Alright, that's enough. We get it. We get it, Jeremiah. Really giving us the whole fucking

3D HD. It looks like poop's running down his leg. It was teeth bite. There was teeth marks, though, right? What was that? Brian Redband is here, ladies and gentlemen, on sound effects, on music, on a lot of things. He's on multiple things. Ryan J. Ebel draws every episode.

He's here drawing from a blank sheet of paper. Every single week, we've been selling these posters for the first time ever. Kill Tony posters. Movie posters. They are so fucking cool. Movie posters. And I have one in my living room. You should have one too. They're flying off the shelves. Get them at ryanjebelt.com. They're flying off his shelves.

If you're wondering what shelves they're flying off of. So here we are. Kill Tony. We're taking it to Nashville. We're doing the Wild West Comedy Fest. That's going to be a lot of fun. That's at the end of May 22nd. Yep. May 22nd. So there you That's going to be a lot of fun. That's at the end of May 22nd. Yep, May 22nd. So there you go.

I'm doing a bunch of dates. Check those out at TonyHinchcliffe.com. That's Austin, Chicago. Ton of shit. Here we go. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? There we are. I'm so excited, as I am every week, to bring up tonight's guest.

Two of the fucking best in the world, just like I give you every single week. And this one I'm so pumped about. I consider this a perfect episode. Put your hands together for two of the best. It's Bert Kreischer and Kirk Fox. Come on. Come on. Bert Kreischer is back.

Come on, you motherfuckers. Make some noise. There you go. Sometimes you got to fucking wrangle up these Monday night audiences. They get all fucking mellow. They don't need to. They don't feel like it. Let's earn it.

I love it. Jeremiah's bruise brought the room to a halt. I didn't get to see it. Is this even on? It's on. I can hear you. I am sitting next to you. I hear you loud and clear.

That's all that really matters. I just want to talk to you for a second. Bert, welcome back. So many people have gone crazy since you and Segura were on like 130 episodes ago it's been a long time I've wanted to do this so bad the best is you texted me to do it

and I thought it was you but I didn't have your name saved and I just wrote back definitely and then I texted Brian I go what's Tony's phone number because I just agreed to do a podcast in the belly room and it better be Kill Tony

that's so great yeah it's me. We got the right show. So I'm excited you guys are here. This is your first time being here since Pat Reagan is a band leader. We used to have an aluminum robot. I was here in the transition stages of the aluminum robot, like when he lost his mind and then tried to get on getting Doug with High.

Do you remember that? Yeah, I remember that and then I And then it became an Amazon Prime robot for a while. We just bought a bunch of costumes off Amazon Yeah, and then I did another show and the robot was standing outside The fucking comic book store like like but he was being like a regular person. He's like, hey man I know Doug, but it was so fucking odd. He's an Uber driver now, supposedly. Does he still wear the costume? Enjoy that.

Who isn't? Who is not an Uber driver? That's why I don't take Uber X. I'm afraid that someone I know will pick me up and I have to sit in the front seat. You can just call me direct. Kirk, I love your style. You're bringing Fila back. Fila is bringing me back.

I'm just fine. Now, is he going to be drawing the whole time? I just want to know who to focus on. Yeah, he's going to be the guy drawing you. If you want to make direct eye contact with him, you totally can. No, I just want to make sure he gets the right side. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? I'm excited.

our tonight's episode or what? I'm excited. Do you guys know that over 50 comedians, over 50 people, love this show so fucking much that they signed up for the chance to do 60 Seconds on tonight's show? Is that what this is? Yep. They're scattered. Oh, I was wondering.

You've done this show before, Bert. Tony, why is those two chairs empty right there? Is there a problem? I don't know. Why are those? Josh, you have a reason on this? That's your fault? We got two empty seats.

Will they remain empty the whole time? Why don't we bump a couple people from the back? Why don't we fill them up so this doesn't look like the show's crumbling? Yeah. Here comes one guy that nobody's going to want to sit next to. That's all right. This is great. One I can deal with.

One empty seat's fine. Two? Is there one other person? He's the artsy Steve Ranazzisi. How about a single woman? Is there a single woman? Except I wish he wasn't

here. Oh, people don't know what happened there. That was such a good call and it got zero. I wish he wasn't. Yeah, that makes sense. Steve Ranazzisi joke,

right? It's like a Pink Floyd joke. Maybe he could draw that joke so people could understand it. No, it's all right. People, okay. Very good. That actually is Steve Ranazzisi sitting there in the middle seat.

How's that? Is that a better one? Did people not know what he did? All right, cool. Very good. So much has happened since then. Sometimes I do inside jokes to myself. Some of those inside jokes, keep them inside?

I love it. I'm going to try. I'm going to try. I'm going to try. I'm trying to keep the jacket zipped up, keep it contained. You still talking about that? Let's move on. I'm trying my best, Kirk.

Let it go, Tony. I really am. I can't fucking dig that one out. I'm surprised you had no idea. You're still on it? Fucking move on. I'm still trying, Kirk. This is good.

Tony, what happens when you pull out something out of the bucket? I know. Really, I'm still trying to get there, guys. I promise you we all know where I'm going here. I pull names out of a bucket and comedians do 60 seconds. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Now, if you pull Steve Renzese out of there, you're going to be okay. All right.

Let's not continue this one joke that's been failing the whole time, the unelectric callback. It could have been just a huge setup. Boy, I felt mind-bombed. Wrap it up then, guys, in your 60 seconds, or else you're going to bring out

the angry West Hollywood bear. Here it comes. Very good. A professional, professional show we're bringing to you here tonight. That bear sounded like he was in a car. Yeah. It did with the windows rolled up. V8.

So you ready to do this shit? Are you guys ready? Oh, my God. What is this fucking guy doing? What are you looking for, sir? Here, sit here. Come sit here. Yeah, sit next to him.

Come sit here. This is how you do it. Everything's working out. You have to sit the people that nobody wants to sit next to next to each other. That's how it works. Fuck you.

He's taking everything out of his fucking pockets. You guys are friends? That makes perfect sense. Split those chicken fingers amongst each other. I want these two guys out of those seats. I want them out of these seats.

So here we go. I'm going to pull a name out of the bucket. They do 60 seconds of uninterrupted stage time, and we talk with them about anything in the world. You guys ready to start this shit or what? Let's do it. Oh, God. Here we go.

I pulled a name out. The name is Anish Shah. I performed at Harvard recently. My favorite part of the show was the beginning when I got to see the looks on those kids' faces when I told them that I turned down Harvard to go to University of Illinois. It's not true, but I fucking love doing it. It was a great moment in my life, guys.

I met one of my comedy idols recently, Aziz Ansari. Any Aziz fans? Yeah? I was very nervous to meet him. I wanted to play it cool, so when he walked up, I just was very chill. I was like, hey, man, big fan.

And he did one of these. He goes... And I got confused in that moment, and I took my hand, and I just... I wrapped it around his finger, guys. I shook his finger for like 45 seconds. Like, I don't know if you know how long 45 seconds is, but this has only been like seven seconds. At one point, he tried to pull his finger out, and I squeezed harder. I don't know why I did that, guys. I don't know if you know how long 45 seconds is, but this has only been like 7 seconds.

At one point he tried to pull his finger out and I squeezed harder. I don't know why I did that, guys. I don't know. Thank you very much. My name is Anish Shah. Fuck yeah. Anish Shah. Now he takes the mic out of the mic stand. I love that. I had no idea that we had that much crossover fan base with Aziz Ansari, by the way.

I was a little shocked. That was pretty impressive. Were you guys lying? Are you actually Aziz Ansari fans? Really are? This guy went crazy. Still raising his hand. Double thumbs up. People are all fans of Steve or Azizi? They are opposite people, pretty much.

Very good. Oh, shit. There it is. Anish. Anish. This is the first time I've seen you before. What nationality are you? I am Indian.

That's cool. How long have you been doing stand-up? About seven years. Is that true? The story with Aziz? Yeah, it's like four years ago in New York at the Village Underground. I'd lose it. Yeah.

I wouldn't tell anyone you met Aziz Ansari. No? I don't find it purposeful. No? No, the joke's about you grabbing a guy's finger. The fact that it is Aziz kind of is like a little bit of a fucking red herring where I'm like, well, what?

Yeah, but you're with one of the funniest guys in the country. You're pulling his finger for 40 seconds. There better be more. So just make it about you pulling a guy's finger. Make the guy black. Yeah, I like that. You can even throw a tag in there like you thought it was a gun

and you're trying to disarm him. Fair enough. A black guy puts a finger up to you, you grab it, and you're like hands up you know like with a z the problem with it making it a z's that's like me saying uh i was hanging out with jeffrey ross the other day which is actually likely but it just everyone's like uh we get it so when you do aziz i you lose me because i go uh why are you saying the name? Make it about you.

Fuck Aziz's life. Make it about you. Okay. Because Aziz is doing no jokes about meeting you. What I'm saying is why give him those props unless he's giving you the same respect. Did he say anything back to you? Did he was like, hey, what the hell? Why are you holding my finger?

Anything like that? It seems like at about maybe like four seconds, that starts getting pretty weird. Starts weird, but at four seconds, it seems like really crazy weird. How long do you, if you had to guess, how long do you really think it was? It was probably about five seconds. Five seconds. Yeah. It felt like 45, I think is the.

Yeah. Oh, 45. That even added on another five seconds. And also, if I were you, when you come on stage, at least say hello or at least take a breath or just... You went into it so quick, I thought... Yeah, it's a minute, so I was trying to get there quick. Yeah, but you got there so quick, you had 15 seconds for us to realize that you don't know Aziz.

Got it, okay. If you need a celebrity, I'm sticking with the black thing. Black lives matter. I would definitely... I agree. It raises the stakes. It raises the stakes. I'll tell you what. Make it Cat Williams. Oh, shit.

Because Cat Williams gives you one of these and that's a fucking... And you wouldn't let go because you didn't know what he was going to do with it. Ah, alright. You wouldn't let go because you thought it was a real gun. Man, that's crazy. So what do you do for work? I don't. This is what I do.

This is what you do for a living. Yeah, I was a management consultant before I... How long have you been doing it for a living? About four years. Did you turn down Harvard? No. I did go to University of Illinois, though. The other...

Whoa. So you've been doing it for seven years, and you've been doing it... Fucking lied to us. ...for a living for four years. Yeah. So how do you do that? I do a lot of corporate. I do a lot of college.

Do you work clean? Yeah, pretty clean. That's good. And does that finger joke go on a lot longer for like 20 minutes when you do it? No, it's just the one minute joke I had that I figured I'd try here. I like it. Next time you grab it, it's a black dude. It's Cat Williams and you

sucked it until he came. You hear the reaction that gets? And add a foot to it. If you can get a foot in there. You know it's so weird sucking a man's finger on your knees. Just,

he didn't move. Cal Williams sat there for 45 minutes until he came. Out of that finger. Sir, did you just yell something? Are you completely retarded? Jesus Christ. What do you think this is? Are you completely retarded?

What do you think this is? Are you a grown-up? What's your story? Stand up. Stand up. Get the fuck... Stand next to... Stand next to Anish. Put your finger in his mouth.

All right. Go sit back down. That's it. Why did you do this? That's it. I just wanted you to get a little bit of attention so you don't say anything for the rest of the fucking night. Do you understand?

Nothing. Cupping your mouth and shouting things at this stage. I'll tell you one thing. I think the whole finger thing is a good setup to something, but you just got to add a lot more to it. Raising the stakes is a great piece of advice. I had a joke a long time ago about I got cut off on an airplane on my way to Scotland, and as she was cutting me off, I put my finger on her lips and went, shh.

But I was so fucked up, I just did it. And I happened to be sitting next to Patrice O'Neal, and he said, that's a funny joke, but you've got to make it a cop. He goes, if you make it a cop, it's a fucking, the stakes are real. And that was like one of my only jokes for a long time. Yeah. You know what cops hate when you touch their faces. So raise the stakes is a great fucking...

Always raise the stakes. That's a great idea. All right. Because I think a lot of white people do the correlation. You met Aziz, and you both probably were like, what were your parents like? Were they just like mine or something?

Yeah, no, it really was that sort of meeting. I guess I always just felt like it had to be true. And so the true story kind of mattered to me. But you lied about Harvard. But I then said that I lied about Harvard. That was the joke. You know, Jeremiah, I give this finger joke two thumbs up. Nice.

The cool part will be is that when you do tell that joke, if you do tell that joke on television Fucking Aziz Ansari is going to be sitting in his mansion Going, that motherfucker grabbed my finger too He grabbed Cat Williams' finger and sucked it until he came He just shook mine Anish, it was nice meeting you Have a great day

He's on Twitter at Anish Comedy A-N-I-S-H Comedy. All one word. Don't forget the disarm part. That's a big closer. Unload. What else is there? We've had this person on the show before.

Always fun to see her. Put your hands together for Robin Ryan, everyone. Robin Ryan, everyone. Robin Ryan. I'm so happy to be here, you guys. I just got out of jail. This friendly face doesn't belong in jail, but I work there now.

After 10 years of elementary school special ed I wanted to go somewhere safer so Men's Central Jail it was it is a great place to work I like it, I have no discipline problems except the only thing I have to say now is hey, quit playing with your dick and you'd be surprised

how often I have to say that The first time it happened I was like a little unsure Like oh do I tell them or do I call a CO And I thought oh no No no I can just pretend it doesn't happen Like they're not playing with their dick under their desk And I just pretend it's not happening

Like my student loans My parents divorce You know things like that Okay guys thanks that's my time Robin Ryan Like my student loans, my parents' divorce, you know, things like that. Okay, guys, thanks. That's my time. Robin Ryan. Fuck yeah. We've had some great talks in the past about you being a special ed teacher.

Yeah. A me, a Mario. Oh, okay. That seems like it fits in there for some reason. So we've had some great talks about you being a special ed teacher in the past. There we go. I love the timing of this show. Really, it's

all there tonight. It's really about 20 seconds. There we go. I guess we'll just never move on. Hey, remember that one episode that everybody ruined? So funny when we did that. It was great.

Some people have their taxes on their iPads. Brian's got every video game fail. So now you work at a prison. I work at Men's Central Jail, yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. What's Central Jail? Do you know where Twin Towers is?

Yeah, they're in the ground. Like in downtown LA. Really lobbed a beach ball at us with that one. It's in the lungs of all the firemen of the year. Yeah, they're in the ground. Who said that? Twin Towers. You're fucking, that's great. Who said that? Twin towers. You fucking ass creeps.

It's true. It's in downtown LA. So are these people like... That's a good second answer. Are these short-term inmates? Are these long-term inmates? Have you got to the part where you're making deals with guys to have sex with them, just trade them cigarettes

and stuff like that? No. They are mostly awaiting trial. Yeah, most of them are awaiting trial. Can you get in trouble for playing with your dick? You could get kicked out of my program. Get kicked out of jail? No, no, no.

It's a loophole. Fuck. This prison sucks. Everyone get out of here Oh man Why'd you get kicked out I was playing with my dick Ah shit No you're supposed to play

With other people's dicks I know I'm gonna miss everyone No so if If I feel uncomfortable With you in my class I can kick you out of my class So wait

Pretend Okay So kick me out real quick Okay So like Yeah And do you just Do you stop them verbally No I would go my class. So wait, pretend, okay. So kick me out real quick, okay? So like... And do you just, do you stop them verbally? No, I would go, I would go

get the CO. No, no, do role playing right now. Bird's masturbating. He's actually masturbating. Wait, do they look at you when they masturbate? Let me get in on this. Bird, are you fucking playing with yourself next to me? I'm trying to get out of here, man. Jesus Christ. I thought I'd escape, but fuck it, you can play with your dick and she kicks you out. I kept coming back. Talk about an early release. I thought I'd escaped, but fuck it. You can play with your dick and she kicks you out.

I kept coming back. Talk about an early release. I would just say... That's what I would say. Quit playing with your dick. Some of them like that. Some of them like being reprimanded. Would you smile like that when you said it? Do you get serious?

I get serious, yeah. That might make me cum. I'm not even fucking around. I've tried everything. I think I've broken my gubner on what turns me on, but someone telling me to stop jerking off in a classroom might be my new thing. Yeah, yeah, I'll stop.

Give me two seconds. What subject are you teaching that everyone wants to jerk off? I teach. It's got to be romantic. Human sexuality? What class? No, I teach English. And then after I teach English, they do credit recovery.

So they're just making up high school credits. Right. Credit recovery? Yeah, but I bet English to a Mexican guy sounds sexy as fuck. Just like, hey, taxes or whatever the fuck it sounds like. Is that what I say? Sexist. Sexist.

You have to sit there and watch it for a bit, right? You don't go, hey, stop it immediately. Like you kind of go around the corner and bite your lip a little for a bit, right? No. If I notice it, I'll tell him to stop it. Immediately? First of all. Do you find yourself doing this also outside of work?

No. No. work? No. Quit jerking off, honey. You're not at work. Now, do they, these prisoners, are they normally doing this when you're talking and stuff? Because, I mean...

It doesn't happen all the time. If it happens twice, it's all the time. I mean, it happens. It's normally when they're just doing credit recovery. Usually when they get to chapter eight of the health book. If I worked at a female prison and they were masturbating while I sat at the front of the class, I'd be like, everyone, keep on keeping on.

Don't you dare stop. Cert's coming off. And I'm jacking off under my table. God. Okay, I think right now I think what you have witnessed is the fact that whatever you're talking about right now

is fucking fascinating. Yeah, it's really unusual. I didn't even know that it existed. You can teach in jail. But you said it so matter-of-factly. You said it almost like it so happens. You should really bring that awe that we experience when you talk about this. Talk about the first time a guy played with his dick give him a

name and give talent give me paint the scenario i want to know all of it i want to can i mike epps said one i should not have said his name never mind uh you mean uh it's he's been sorry yeah he just he was telling a story one time and we were in New York about guys jacking off in prison. And it was called Killing That Hoe. And they do it to the women's CO. Not Mike. But he was saying guys would do it to the women's COs if they came by and just be like, fuck, what are you going to do? And it's such a fascinating fucking – it's so fascinating.

I want to hear more about it. I wanted you to do more than a minute dude then work in a jail dude let me tell you something one of the one of the officers wants me to put on like a show in the jail so i'm kind of going to start working on that oh yeah right right i'm sorry put on a comedy show in the jail oh yeah so but yeah i have a question yeah question do you have like an do you have an affinity for some of these prisoners? Do you like get along with them? Yeah, they're just people

They're just people jerking off They're just people Yeah, they're just people I like them, they're good guys If you ignore the murder, they're good guys Have you made friends with any of them? No Have you ever thought about them while you masturbate?

No. Good question. Are there any good looking ones? They're fine. No, no, no. You know what? They're really young. They're 18 to 25.

They're way too young. Well, then let them masturbate. What the fuck? Yeah. Jesus Christ. Lighten up. They're 18 years old. First direction.

They're only with me for like three hours. They can handle themselves. It's three hours. Fuck. handle themselves. It's three hours. Fuck. Not really. How long have you been there now? I've been there since September. Since September.

Yeah. I would be eating bananas in front of them. Just be like. No. Your mind's in the gutter. I know. Have any of them done anything crazy that actually you know about that surprises you or anything like that? Anybody?

Yeah, why are all these nice guys in Central Jail? I mean, most of my guys are awaiting trial for murder. Wow. But they're nice in there. Okay, listen. There's an old saying that my hairstylist said to me one time about me having a drinking problem. He said if one person says you have a tail, fuck them. They're crazy.

If two people say you have a tail, they're teaming up on you. But if three people tell you you have a tail, you should turn around. And if a bunch of guys are jerking off in front of you, maybe it's you. Like maybe you're doing something that's triggering them to masturbate. No, no, that's a good angle for a joke. It's like the first time it happened, I'm like, that's fucking crazy. The second time it happened, I'm like, these guys are out of their fucking mind. After the fifth time, I'm like, all right, what am I doing at the front of this classroom?

And you're like, and I had to stop eating bananas on my knees holding the back of my own head. Wow. Just gagging out on cucumbers in front of these boys. Fucking the pencil sharpener. I mean, did they have pencil sharpeners there? Pick up Maybe It's You by Burt Kreischer at Barnes & Noble.

It's definitely a good world. I would explore it more, deeper. I mean, I'm usually pretty clean, so that didn't even cross my mind. And you have a job where Deuce is jackal on you? That's irony right there. I'm a clean comic, but tell me what I do for a living. You can cum, but just not on me. What class do you teach?

Oh, it's a Chinese class. Bukkake. Japanese. Has anyone tried to throw cum on you, like Clarice style or anything like that? No. Nothing creepy like that? No, nothing. If it happens, would you dodge or open your mouth?

I would dodge. Oh, Jesus, Brian. All right. Stupid question. I'm surprised you're not in her class yet. He's just over the age limit If I ever do get a DUI and I'm in fucking central holding I will check off in your class Right? You just have to do it now

When in Rome, Rome if you want to What kind of English are you teaching these guys? I read them books Fifty Shades of Grey Fifty Shades of Grey Lady Chatterley's Lover. What did we read? We read...

Jacking Off Her Dummies. That they're good at. No, I read the whole Mockingjay or Hunger Games series. I jacked off listening to that. That was before I even knew it was Jennifer Lawrence. Katniss was hot. We read The Wizard of Oz. District 12.

James Van Der Beek. You're reading all shit that we've all jerked off to. What should I read to them that they won't jerk off to? The Bible. And they needed those in their mailbox. The Bible. All right, Robin. Well, congrats on the new job and another fun set.

Robin Ryan, everybody. There she goes. She and another fun set Robin Ryan everybody there she goes she's on Twitter at Robin Ryan all one word Robin Ryan always fun I want to work that job and have that material yeah it's crazy right can you imagine

dude I just eyeball motherfuckers that they jacked off just stare them down and be like come on come is that all you got Is that all you got Watch what I got motherfucker You like that Would you guys stop them

Fuck no I wouldn't stop a dude jacking off No way I am not the right person for this world Cause I would be like guys Everyone let's join as soon as he's done Golf clap Everyone join I think I would be like, guys, everyone, let's join. As soon as he's done, golf clap. Everyone join.

I think I might be part gay, though. Who's next? Do you know how excited I'd call you as soon as I got out? Dude, two dudes jacked off in my class today. And they were making eye contact with me. And they're still with me. Guys, we're playing sloppy biscuit. We'll put a biscuit in the middle of the room.

Last one to come on it has to eat it. That's what we did in college. Yeah, you did that in college. You blindfold everyone, and then you put up against the wall. And then a brother came in the center of the room and put a biscuit. He goes, last guy to jack off in the biscuit has to eat it. Go. And you're sitting there with the fucking eternal question. Do I jack off in front of these people that are all watching,

or do I risk the chance of eating the biscuit? And you're sitting there with your back against the wall with a blindfold on, and all of a sudden someone comes up and goes, take your blindfold off. And then Jeff Hartley and Mike Angelides are just jacking off like crazy. I said their real names. They're the real names. They're on my Facebook. Go check them out.

They're probably in her classroom. Mike has a bed and breakfast in St. Martin's, and Jeff's a politician in Tallahassee. Wow. A bed and breakfast. You want your biscuits what time? 6 a.m.? Angelita's uncircumcised. She's got a big-ass dick.

Actually, they both had the biggest dicks in our fraternity. Jeff's nickname was Hog, and Angelita's was Sock Cock. Jeez. True story. Sock Cock. Talk about some biscuits and gravy. Oh, you got a fresh breath of air on that one. Back up by Pat Reagan.

That was beautiful. I pulled another name out of the bucket. We saw this guy for the first time a few weeks ago and he blew us away with his energy and a very fun set. Put your hands together for him. Preacher Lawson, ladies and gentlemen. Yes. I got an iPhone

Plus, 6 Plus. Too big. It's too big. Like, every time I swipe down my screen, I feel like I'm playing The Price is Right. That's how big it is. Let me see what's down my Facebook feed. I got a hopscotch of text people. I'm going to call you back later. Too big, man.

I got me as my screensaver. This girl, she's like, oh, my gosh, are you serious? You got a picture of you as your screensaver? You are second-dated. And she white, by the way. And she said, I was conceited. How am I conceited? It's my phone.

I do what I want. I don't got any kids. I don't got any girlfriend. What else is going to be my screensaver, huh? Some random picture of a lake? I can't swim. So I got me as my screensaver because I like me, all right? I got an iPhone 6S Plus, 128 gig.

That's a $940 phone, all right? I got an iPhone 6 that's plus 128 gig. That's a $940 phone, all right? I paid, my mom paid $940. My name's Preacher Laws. Thank you so much. Fucking fuck. Thank you. Wow. This is what I'm talking about.

This is one of those guys that we see a few times in a couple months, and then we just never see him again. You're amazing, man. That's so fun. Do you really have that kind of energy all the time? Yes. Talking to the microphone.

I do. I don't know. I'm just really hyper. I don't know. I'm just really, really hyper. And it's a lot of drugs. I'm just playing. I'm joking.

I'm totally joking. Unless they're free. I'm just playing. I don't have it.. Unless they're free. I don't have it. I'm just really hyper. Okay, but listen. What happens if you have to do more than a minute? I do. I've done like an hour.

I don't believe that. Does it slow down a little? No, it doesn't slow down. At the end, he just falls asleep. I do. No, it's not like that. At the end, some white guy calls a cop and goes, someone shoot this guy. I'm fucking exhausted.

Yeah. I just fall. I'm really tired at the end, but I mean, I still keep it up the whole time. It's fucking incredible. I got to tell you, your material's great, but you fucking scare me. What I'm telling you is you would get the exact same laughs if you were just being just chilled.

Do me a favor. Tell one of those jokes just like you're talking to me now. That same joke. Yeah. Come out here like a human being. Okay. And don't hide behind the fucking hype.

Just find out who you really are right now. Okay. Do it't hide behind the fucking hype. Just find out who you really are right now. Okay. Okay. Do it now. Okay. Why don't you just do a new joke? Do a new joke. Do a new joke.

Okay. Preacher Lawson. When I was younger, my dad used to play hide and go seek with me a lot, and he was really good because I never found him. Okay. It's a joke, guys. Wait. It's a joke. No, but a joke He left when I was born

Wait a sec slow down Did you see They laughed So the words are fine You're selling these jokes Like you're selling a Kia But What I'm telling you

Is those jokes That's a Porsche Kia. What I'm telling you is those jokes, that's a Porsche. So you don't have to work that fucking hard. So if you just came up here and took a breath and just started talking, you might find out that you're not hyper, that you're just frightened.

This is some Jedi level kill Tony you're seeing right now, by the way. You see what I mean? Your This is some Jedi level This is some Jedi level Kill Tony you're seeing right now by the way You see what I mean? You're fidgeting more, you're starting to fuck with that How long have you been doing stand up? I hit 7 years a couple weeks ago

And I started when I was 17 But you've done 7 years worth of comedy In about a month That's how fast you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where were you doing it at again? I started in Memphis, and I moved to Portland. I came from Florida.

I did five years in Florida. Where in Florida? Orlando. Yeah, man, I love it. Now, you see what's happening right here? Yeah, yeah. This is who you are. But now, I know what Kirk's saying.

I know what Kirk's saying. It's because we all, when we're younger. Stop playing his music. No, but I. Yeah, yeah. Your joke about you're fighting your dad's a great fucking joke. And the thing is, is that we all do that when we're young, is we overemphasize energy sometimes and exude confidence.

We think the crowd's with us and you can use that you can use that energy like the same way I say fuck a lot on stage if I took out half of my fucks and just used fuck when it's needed

I'd be a much better comic you can use that energy when you want to use it but don't make it your one note because you will punch yourself out it is so true and then when you do turn it up when you do get into the iPhone

and you do that, it's going to be instead of people going, man, he's funny and he's got a lot of energy, it's going to be like thunder and lightning. I think you want to know that they're laughing at your material and what you're talking about instead of at you.

No. No, I agree. I agree with what they're all saying. And by the way, I love your set. And I'm a fan of like, Greg Hahn is very high energy. Like, I don't know if you know Greg Hahn. Yeah, but he's hiding. He's hiding.

He's hiding from himself. I know Greg. But like, if you learn to use that high energy as a tool in your set as opposed to the broad stroke of your set, you'll be destructive. And because then you can get people to lean forward and listen to you when you don't have to do it. You know what I mean? Like for example, you came out and you're like, I just got a new phone. Bobbity, bobbity, bobbity. And then I'd be spinning it like Price is Right,

boom. But you didn't really have to boppity boppity boppity until Price is Right, boom. So if you get them to lean forward a little bit and then you throw that hard right hook that you know you're sitting on. You just kind of want to get them out into the harbor before you take them into the creepy rooms.

Kurt, you know like Chris Rock's mid-90s specials, he's being super performative. And, you know like Chris Rock's like mid-90s specials, like he's being super performative and would you say that he's hiding

from himself? Yeah, he has found himself now and he's even said that, so don't try and fuck with me.

But those specials are classic and they're very perform, like you know the element of performance and show like Alice Cooper,

somebody who's like puts on a fucking Yeah, but you see Chris down in the OR and he's just talking. He wants to see that the words work. Yeah. And then when he's doing it in front of 5,000 people

and walking on the stage, he's going to jack it up a little. So would you say that the size of the stage would affect that? Oh, definitely affects that. But I'm just saying slow it down and work up to the punches. You came out too hyped up and you know it's to

just kind of hide a little hey this is also your art form so is so whatever we say is constructive in the way we see it from an outsider's perspective and and if you need that to open up with if you get nervous when you go on stage and you need to go hard when you start just make sure to don't don't put it all out there the whole don't hit him in the face with it the whole time because you need some place to get to yeah you need to you need your act needs to build to something and you better be closing high energy and you don't want to get to the last joke i've seen dudes do it where they're like and the audience has given them nothing and you just feel dead inside you want to be able to protect yourself from those three show Saturdays.

And also know that when you just said the words to the joke about your dad, the whole room laughed. And you weren't bouncing off the wall. By the way, you're one of the best performers we've ever had on the show. Thanks, but this is about him. And Jesus. Tony, thanks.

And, uh, you know, it's just fun to get we would be doing you no service he found he found his dad he finally found his dad what once was lost listen we'd be doing no service to you

if we were just jacking you off like in an English prison class right we're just putting some sprinkles on a cup we're just seeing something frominkles on a cupcake. Or just pulling your finger. We're just seeing something from a different perspective. And trust me, man, you would be a destructive feature act on the road

that every comic would say, I don't want to work with him anymore. Right. And literally, every comic would be like, get rid of him. First of all, he's fucking friendly. He's black. I just lost every white person. He's high energy. I can't fucking follow it. And he's only doing 15 because he's cut it short. Wait a minute. You're black?

Yeah, man. I just think so. You got a good fucking voice, too. When you just talk regular, it's got deep baritones. It's soothing. It's good for my tinnitus. That's why I wanted you to slow it down. Preacher's actually on this Friday's Death Squad show if you want to see it for a full set.

Yes! Boom. Wow. Amazing. Thank you. So cool. Preacher, now you've been doing it for seven years. The first guy we saw who does a lot of corporate gigs somehow has been doing it for a living for four years. I think he has family money.

What do you do for work, Preacher? I work at Mendocino Farms. Remember that one time? Oh my god, you doacher? I work at Mendocino Farms. Remember that one time? Oh my God, you do. You work at my Mendocino Farms. I did. They fired me. They already fired you? You were taking the test last week when I saw you there.

Were you too loud in there? I just didn't know the menu, so they fired me. So last week, Tony? Literally last week. I get a sandwich from this place every single day, pretty much. I go there every day.

Everybody there knows me and everything. I walk in and he's sitting there, light blue shirt taking the test. I even forgot that I said what's up to you there and that we hung out. Shout out to Mendocino Farms. Try the not-so-fresh chicken sandwich. The amazing food. You work at LA Fitness? said what's up to you there and that we hung out. Shout out to Mendocino Farms. Try the Not So Frank Chicken Sandwich. The amazing food.

You work at LA Fitness? I work at LA Fitness now, so I've been doing that. You're a trainer with that energy? No, I'm a fitness consultant. I know what that job is. You just bang all those white chicks. How do you do in black rooms?

How do I do in black? I do well in black rooms. Yeah? I do well in black rooms. Do you do better in white rooms? Yeah. I do. I guess I would.

Well, I would, yeah. It depends because... I can answer that for you. Okay. No, but I know, man, white people love what you fucking do. Okay. White rooms. No, but in black rooms, the black rooms are totally different.

They are. No, they really are. How are you in Chinese rooms? Oh, man, I kill it, okay? I kill it. I do one every fourth Thursday. It depends because, like, how you said black rooms are different. That's funny.

Black rooms are different. That's why I said it depends because, like, when you kill in a black room, like, you're murdered. Like, when they laugh, they laugh. Literally. But, like, if they don't like you, there's black room, you're murdered. When they laugh, they laugh. But if they don't like you, there's no middle ground with black people. There's no middle ground. If they don't like you, they don't like you. They'll kill you. I've seen it.

My first standing ovation. Preacher, another unbelievable performance. Here he goes, the future. Preacher Lawson, everybody. He's on Twitter at Preacher Lawson. Everybody's got nice, simple Twitter handles so far tonight. Preacher, I'm keeping a few of your jokes if you care. What is your guys' timing thing tonight?

You're firing up home runs when other people are talking. You give us three seconds to play. We play whenever we're supposed to. That's it. It's a 12-second bit. If people talk over it, you know that happens. People are talking over it. It totally happens.

We were supposed to play two times. People are talking over it. They barely understand what we're saying. After they get off the stage. Just keep doing what you have to do. We're just trying to do comedy here. We're just trying to do a little something different. We're trying to do something musical, but I guess nobody something different. This is the thing with putting two improv guys

next to each other is there's no way to stop them. They just keep trying to outdo each other continuously. We can put them in a black room. I pulled what appears to be a new name out of the bucket. This does not look familiar to me. I'm excited to see what happens here.

Put your hands together for Melissa Blacketter. Oh, nice. Hello, hello, hello. So, okay. So, okay. All right. I think Planned Parenthood is a shitty name because if you go there, you're definitely not planning to be a parent.

So the police have been talking to me recently and I think it's because I was caught pulling the fire alarm in my building, which is bullshit because I burned all the witnesses. So my uncle, my uncle Rick has been talking to me a lot recently and he's like, oh, Melissa, you're becoming a very smart young lady. You're becoming a very beautiful, beautiful young lady. You're becoming very pretty. And I'm like, I feel like you're going to be coming on me pretty soon, Uncle Rick. That's all. I'm Melissa. Thanks.

Melissa Blacketer. You're new at stand-up. Yeah. Brand new. Yeah. I love that. How new? Today is the first day.

Boom. Our first performance ever. There you go. We have a lot of first timers on this show. It happens pretty much almost weekly. Melissa, so cool. How do you feel? Nervous as hell.

Yeah, you gotta get up in the stage. You gotta move up. Up, up, up, up. This is Pat's way of checking out your ass. Yeah, all the basic stuff, like moving the stand out of the way. The basic stuff, getting the mic out of the stand. Classic blunder. Looking at the audience, not looking down like you hate everyone.

Yeah, there's a ton of stuff. Melissa. I want to hear it all. But the jokes are good. The jokes were good, right? I like the darkness of a girl that doesn't look super dark. But they're still very new jokes. You can work on them, but the attempt was in the right place, I think.

Cool, cool. And that mic thing happens to everybody sometimes. I was literally the entire time up here, I'm like, don't fuck up the mic, don't fuck up the mic. And then I fucked up the mic. Yeah. That was the best part of your set. Yeah, I know. I was like, knocking them dead right when I get on here.

Cool. You should have been thinking about the words that you were saying and staying present in what you were saying. Yeah. That's what you want to do. Okay. Take it from the guy that's been bombing all night. Whoa, there's his buddy stepping in to defend him. Hey, you don't talk to fat like that already. Come on.

Reagan and Watkins. Melissa, where are you from? Merino Valley, which is like two hours away. What do you do for work? Unemployed life. Whoa. I like the gang sign you threw up. It was a peace sign.

My one thing was, and I just say this from, I think a couple of your jokes I could predict the punchline a little quick. I'm also a comedian, but I think what you should do in those situations is your first punchline that you come up with, throw it away. And then your second and third one, throw those away. And when you get to somewhere where it's absurd, because I think that is, I don't want to tell you you just have done it once, but like

I wanted to hear you when you're like, Uncle Sam, you're becoming a blah blah blah. I wanted to hear like, so I fucked my uncle or something. Like something darker than a word play. You know, like, but so I would just take your writing and write out a bunch of punchlines for your setups

and then take the darkest or the weirdest, because that seems to be your angle a little bit. And then make some eggs. Okie dokie. What are some more things about you? We know you're unemployed, but like, you know. I'm a student at Cal State San Bernardino. I'm studying to be a teacher. How many guys have you had sex with?

About two. Oh, hey. Peace sign. When you say about two, so that's one, and then the other just couldn't get it going? Don't pat. Nice. Well, you don't really count. You don't count relatives, right?

Wait, hold on. Let's just hear the answer. Almost two men. One of them was kind of a weird. It don't count relatives, right? Wait, hold on. Let's just hear the answer. Almost two men. One of them was kind of a weird. It didn't really. Tell us why. Hold on, guys. We could be walking into a rape right now.

It was like. Just let it happen, Melissa. Aren't we all? That's what he said. No, but go ahead. Don't be shy. Trust me. We've heard it all here.

It was like the first time he was trying anything. And so it wasn't really going anywhere. And so like something kind of happened. But I don't really try to count it because. It was in your butt. Nothing really happened. Fuck yeah. I get it.

I know what's happening here. Oh, so he. Because the first time I lost my virginity. The first time? Yeah. The first time? Yeah, the first time. Wow. Because I got on top of her, I put it in, I literally pumped twice, came, and then she said, are you going to put it in? And it was between her butt cheek and the bed.

The first time I lost my virginity. Yeah. the first time I lost my virginity yeah I'd like to I'd like to hear the rest of the show has been cancelled it's not going to get that good again get the fuck out of here I swear to god

you are the baddest motherfucker in the world if I were you good again. Get the fuck out of here. I swear to God. You are the baddest motherfucker in the world. I swear to God. Write some jokes about what's going on in your life right now. Just who you are. Or you could write jokes about Burt losing his virginity. By the way, that guy Jeff Hartley

with the big dick was there that night. Where was he? He was fucking the chair. He was in the with the big dick was there that night. Where was he? He was fucking the chair. He was in the living room. He was in her vagina. He was in the living room watching Pet Sematary with Stacey. So I compromised the integrity of the first condom, and I had to go back out and get another one from him.

You compromised the integrity of the first condom? I'll tell you this. He stole the document. For your first time on stage, it was great. Oh, thanks. I would speak a little louder for your first time on stage. It was great. I would speak a little louder and just tell the jokes with the same freedom you had when you thought of them.

And talk about something that makes you laugh. Do you find those jokes that funny? They're okay. See, but that's the problem. I could tell you didn't think they were that funny. So if you don't think they're funny, why would we want to laugh at them? If you don't want to be up here, even if it's your first time, it doesn't matter

because you should treat every time you're on stage like it's your last. So next time you go on stage. And tonight might be your last night doing stand-up comedy. Especially when Bert's here. Bye, everyone. No, but what I'm saying is just get up there and start talking about what's really going on in your life instead of, you know, a joke about your uncle coming on you.

We all have those. That's actually a really insightful thing, is that if you're... Because when I was younger, I would try to write the guys that I respected because I thought that's what comics do. And it's not until you start writing yourself that you get respected. I still am not there yet.

I was always trying to write my heroes. That's what takes time is finding out who you really are. But, I mean, how old are you? 21. Yeah. It's good for you to just start talking about it, and it'll allow you to be more comfortable also i was always trying to write like michelle foucault and uh and uh that scared the shit out of me more than it did jacklyn onassis

were you were you were you the one that had to plan parenthood love with you burt crusher you were the one that had planned parenthood just? I'm in love with you, Burt Kreischer. You were the one that had to plan parenthood. I mean, any comic has thought, plan parenthood. Oh, it's not planned. That's like, you just have to throw that one away immediately. But just talk about yourself. Talk about your story. Talk about, you know.

Anything weird about your family? Anything, you know. Besides your uncle. You play video games? Big gamer? No, no. Like a hobby or something? Furry?

I like to cross-stitch because I'm an 81-year-old, 21-year-old. That's something you should talk about, cross-stitching, because a lot of us don't give a fuck about that. If you could do a funny eight-minute set on cross-stitching, do you realize how everyone would be like, have you seen the cross-stitching pitch? People will start showing up with fucking cross-stitching with your picture. Did you ever get into quilting?

I'm not there yet. She's working her way up. Hang on, wait. Have Brian describe quilting. I'm sure it's a sexual act. No, no, no. You take a straw and suck the... I grew up as a quilter.

I had to quilt. My mom and my grandmother made me quilt. Talk about the shit going on in your life. Why did you dye your hair green? I wanted to be new and different. Do some jokes that are new and different. Are you doing anything else? It seems like you're obviously you're 21.

You're taking chances. You're doing stand up for the first time. I mean, that's a fucking chance. I'm pretty wild. You're 21. You've had sex with one and a half guys. You're a cross stitcher. I'm crazy.

I mean, you must be a Tinder fucking. Just fucking swipe right automatically. The guys love me. You're Tinder pro. But no, that's a joke. But your Tinder profile must be just fucking. You're like, I had to take. The caption literally said, like, I'm really into tea parties.

And yeah, cross-stitching and all. Oh, you played the one song Jeremiah. Everybody chooses like 90. Yeah. Cross-stitching. Everyone is. Look how excited he gets. It's his time to shine, everybody.

Kirk had a really good joke for you, young lady. He bought that saxophone because of that one song. Here's the joke. This is good. You're into cross-stitching, and that's your profile on your dating site. But the problem is, everyone that calls you is 90 years old. She said sex with one person. She must be 90 as well.

That's a great fucking joke. So it was one and almost because he couldn't find it. One and almost because he died. Oh, she's my type. Swipe right. There you go. Cross stitcher with green hair. Cross stitcher with green hair. Just keep on doing it. That's all we can say right now. Thank you guys so Cross-stitching with green hair. Cross-stitching with green hair.

Just keep on doing it. That's all we can say right now. That's it. Melissa Blacketer, everybody. Popping the cherry. What's her last name? Blacketer. Black hair?

Blacketer. Black E-T-E-R. Black eater? Basically. Blacketer. But without the A that would be an eater. Just Blacketer. Good thing there's not an N in there. Blanketer. but without the A that would be in Eater. Just Black Eater. Good thing there's not an N in there.

Blank Eater. I mean, fuck, that'd be crazy. That's true. She's on Twitter, KillerQueen underscore VR. Everyone's going to have this stuck in their head at the end of the night. I don't know about that. Jeremiah, are you okay? He does this.

He does this. If he keeps playing long enough, he'll pass out. Pat, can you hit the reset button on Jeremiah? I can't get it out of my mind. How about... He did it again. I absolutely

love you two together over there. It's just complete... The real life Beavis and Butthead. It's in the flesh. If they were dumber. They'd be great at my Christmas when my kids open my presents. Jeremiah, play that one Christmas song you know? Oh, yeah.

Very good. Sometimes it's so easy that I can't believe they still laugh when we do it. Look at the size of this gray puke floating this way. Does anybody else see this right here? That's mine. Right there. Floating is incredible. Is Kirk's advice available on audiobook?

Because I feel like a better human just after listening to that for a while. He really is amazing. Good man. I got it. All the time. I got it for you. Self-published. Kirk, will you stare at my eyes?

Oh. Which one? You got an intense stare. Pat wants to do one of the... We have intense eyes. Perhaps in one of the greatest pitches in podcast history. I can't see past the mic, so...

Pat Reagan is challenging one of the guests to a staring contest. Live podcast, everyone. I don't want to look in there. You might take my funny. Pat, is that the face you make when you're having a staring contest? All right. Okay. I pulled in what appears to be definitely a new name out of the bucket.

I think I'd remember this one. Put your hands together for Tuesday Thomas, everyone. Tuesday Thomas. Oh, shit. Here we go. Hey, everybody. How's it going? Good. I'm glad you're doing well

because my life's a fucking mess and I couldn't take your shit on, too. I couldn't. When I was 20, I looked like Wonder Woman. Now people just look at me and wonder if I'm a woman! Oh my god! You alright there? I was walking down the street the other day and this guy came up. He looked at me right here, right?

And he said, are those transplants? I'm like, yeah, I got them off a dead hooker down by the docks. It's no punchline, but it's the stupidest fucking thing anybody's ever said to me. And then I started thinking celebrities say stupid shit all the time too, don't they? Remember Michael Douglas, the actor? He said he got mouth cancer from cunnilingus. Do you remember that a couple years ago? I was like, Michael Douglas got mouth cancer from eating pussy.

And I'm like, what next? Blow jobs causing Alzheimer's? There you go, Tuesday Thomas. Tuesday Thomas. In what could be one of the most incredible jokes that we've ever heard. I almost thought that was going to be your entire minute

was the Wonder Woman joke. Jeremiah had a full-blown spit-take for those of you that missed it. It wasn't even really the punchline. It was mostly the 20-second stare-down you that missed it. It wasn't even really the punchline. It was mostly the 20 second stare down you gave us afterwards. Jeremiah already has an impression of it. Tuesday. Is that your real name?

You seem more like a Sunday to me. No, I'm Tuesday. Why Tuesday? Because I was born on Thursday. Oh, that makes sense. Tuesday Wild, the actress. How long have you been doing stand up it's been four years now interesting what made you want to get into it

I really don't know it was the thing to do it's where I wanted to go it's where I wanted to be it's what I wanted to do shout out to Tuesday she runs a great show called Freak Show she runs shows at these crazy places the Clown House.

You guys ever heard of The Clown House? I would, I'd guess that you'd be at a place called The Clown House, actually. And a place called the California Institute for Abnormal Arts. No,

that's a wild place. It's in Van Nuys, right? Oh, no, it's in NoHo. Pat, I didn't realize you were in,

it's got all this, it's got all this, it's got all this, memorabilia of like dead people. It's got three legit, Is she one of the memorabilia of dead people that's at the place? I've actually met you there, I think. I've actually been to that place.

The place is insane. Isn't it great? Yeah. That's so cool. What do you do for work? I do a little bit. I edit stuff for people. I paint houses.

I walk dogs. I dog set. You know, the typical LA dream. Can I ask you a non-secretive question, but something I'd be interested to hear you talk about on stage? What were you doing in, like, the early 90s? What was I doing in the early 90s? I was a bartender in clubs in New York. Really?

Yeah. Did you ever do porn? No. Okay. Tuesday Thomas is, like, a great porn name. Yeah. Like, Tuesday Thomas sounds like it works at the Bunny Ranch. She didn't.

Sunset Thomas. Sunset Thomas. That's what I'm the Bunny Ranch. She didn't. Sunset Thomas. Sunset Thomas. That's what I'm thinking. Sorry. She didn't. What is a crazy gig that you've done before? Oh, my gosh. Put me on the spot here.

A crazy gig that I have done. Yeah, like job. Is Tuesday your mom or something, Pat? You're really trying to help her out on this. She's my friend! She seemed to blank out right there and I was like, job. I just thought it would trigger. Did you know Alzheimer's can cause blowjobs?

Anyway, no, I didn't know that and I don't see why that's funny I don't know why other people laughed did I miss something it was the stare it's always that stare how much material do you think you have

I have done 35 straight through is it all that same energy 15 of it is staring 35 straight through. Is it all that same energy? Yeah. 15 of it is staring. Looking deeply into the souls of people.

Just staring until they laugh. You own that that look. Thank you. But I mean I always I always am going to say this

and it's not maybe the best note to give anyone who's not doing it very long but like I always want to know more about like the real

you like you a picture set tells a thousand words and that face you make is a fucking novel like like i want to know i want to know i want to get deep into it and that's the thing when you pick apart take off the band-aid i kind of fucking want to know right you know how i got that crazy like you covered the wonder woman thing and it did good and then you changed direction a little bit. Like, so you know when you do that

Wonder Woman joke and they go, they wonder if I'm a woman. You know what you look like. Yeah. Oh, I was unbotched. And you know that that's... I was unbotched?

Hold on, are you fucking serious? Yeah. Why don't you fucking talk about this? We're immediately getting somewhere. I mean, I do, but it goes longer into things.

I have a minute here. You know how Steven Botch goes? Like TV show? No, it was on Botch. 0 for 17 for those of you keeping track of your Pat Reagan bingo card of the night. 0 for 17. We are keeping tally here at all times. We have an entire board.

That's the interesting stuff. Of analytics. I mean, I'm listening to you now, and I'm interested. I was on botched, and then I had- But the other shit, when you came out like a fucking animal, you know, I looked away when you stared at me. And I don't think that's a good angle for people to not want to fucking look at you. What you did is you took what people were thinking and threw it in their face.

Yeah. What would be maybe another approach is take what people are thinking, address it, and get them to laugh about it. Like talk what's behind that scarf. What are you hiding behind that? Your nipples were rock hard. I know. That's what I'm talking about. It's cold in here.

The first thing I saw was like you literally transitioned into your tits perfectly. I was like. Was that on purpose? No. It's just cold in here. That Wonder Woman joke is so good that it would work even if it was almost a throwaway. Thank you. I mean, you don't have to fucking shove it in their mouth.

In the mouth. Yeah. The first time a guy has ever said I don't have to shove something in his mouth. Ever. What happened on Botched? Good question. Well, it's funny because on Botched,

I had had a facial surgery a long time ago, and then it was fucked up really bad, and I went through probably about $20,000 worth and many surgeries to get it like this, and it's still. What was the original reason for getting face surgery the first time? I had gotten a divorce, and I really felt really bad about myself, and I wanted to fres freshen up and I listened to some people who said oh yeah I know these great doctors that are really kind of inexpensive but they're really good in Mexico oh my god why are you not this is fucking gold that's what I did yeah yeah and it's it was horrible I mean I had I was like swollen up and my cheeks were like way up to here for like years.

And I had to get all this stuff. Now you have us staring at you the way you were fucking staring at us. And that's how you want it. I can handle it, though. No, but that's what I mean. But what I mean is now we're like fucking tell us more. And then after I went on botched after all this and the botched didn't do any surgery because I already had, you know, they really couldn't do anything at this point

because I already had those other surgeries. But I also had had triple D breast implants in that were silicone, and last year they exploded and poisoned me. And I almost died from that. Oh, my God. You are fucking. Yeah. Yeah, so, you know. you're like a pretty frankenstein thank you thank you and then you know like i remember like uh like a couple nights before i

went into surgery i had been talking to this guy online you know like maybe we can you know meet and have coffee or dinner or something after i heal and stuff. He's like, well, can you send me a pic of him before they take him out? I'd really like to see him. Jesus. I know. And I was like, well, you know, I've had two miscarriages in my life. Would you like to see pics of that too? Whoa, you have pictures of your miscarriage?

I'm kidding. I'd love to see you miscarriage. They have a Facebook page. How bad do you get? Who here wants to see a picture of a miscarriage huh make some fucking noise

well I thought it'd get more likes I think you're I think they're seeing one now that's it okay that I think what

I think we're all agreeing on is that you should I like I like that angle of you being honest with us in your one minute and opening up. That'll draw us as comics in more to what you're talking about. And have you always wanted to be on TV?

Did you want to be an actress? Yeah, I do. So it's like I finally got on TV. Unfortunately, it was the TV show Botched. Right. Well, I've been on other things as well. Like what? The Botched was... Well, I've done music videos like I was in a Death Cab for Cutie video

and a bunch of stuff like that. I was in Walk of Shame Shuttle. What'd you say? I said they based the Jim Carrey movie The Mask off of your story. That's fine, as long as you don't mean the Cher movie Mask with Rocky Dennis. That's right.

Could be either one. I really want to hear more about your Mexico trip. What happened to the Mexican doctors? They're still down there. I say we go get them. That's a TV show. You go down there

and you blow your tits up right in their face. So you went from triple D And then what did you go to then? No, this is natural now Is the areolas okay now? No, they had gone underneath Well, they hid during the explosion Duck in cover

Get down, they look like they're going to blow They're going to blow any time. You're right. She was in Mexico. That's a fucking great joke. Tuesday. We have to move on. Tuesday Thomas.

There she goes, everybody. Thank you. So nice to meet you. Come back again. She's on Twitter. Mama. They hit her in the explosion. Mama warned me.

All one word. You're Tony. Yeah, there in the explosion. Mama warned me. All one word. You're Tony. Yeah, there they are. I like that one. Fire in the hole. Fuck. These are too big. We gotta get off these before they blow. They hit her in the explosion. Those nipples get shade 24-7.

We have moved on to the part of the show where our two regulars go up. If we have any time afterwards, maybe we'll pull one name out of the bucket. Going up first tonight, you know her as the regular from Kill Tony. She is always working out a new minute here, writing and performing it every single week. Put your hands together for her. It's Melissa Esslinger. I went to a sex shop the other day.

The other day, I don't know why I said that. That's okay. I needed some chapstick. I went there. Anyway, when I was checking out, they asked me if I had a rewards card. But every time people ask me that, I'm like, I'm not sure. Let me give you my number. But no, I didn't have one

I noticed that there aren't any shopping carts in a sex shop you'd be buying a lot of stuff it'd be weird if they had like a Costco for bulk dildos. You'd get a drum of lube.

Dude, I didn't know you had a keg. Oh, man, that's KY, baby. There you go. There you go, 53 seconds. Good towards the middle. I mean, you started self-destructing three seconds in and you sort of fought it off which is a new thing it's good to see you try to you know

there was a regular she just started five six months ago and normally when she would tailspin like that there'd be no recovery but it's fun to see you be able to like go like oh fuck that didn't work shit you did it which I'm not a huge fan of but I am a fan of recovering out of the tailspin

and being able to continue on, which is a new thing. Seems like a new muscle. Was there something with the phone number that we didn't get? No, I mean, I kind of just messed it all up. Like, I didn't even say the quote. What really happened? Let me say it right. Anything?

No, I just chuckled when she asked if I had a rewards card. Well, there's probably something there you can write. Something about giving your phone number or something. Oh, and I wanted to talk about, because you know how at every store, like when you swipe your card, there's like a million questions that it asks. And I feel like, never mind. I'll do that on my own time. Don't never mind.

No, well, I feel like it's like 20 questions or something. And whenever I'm shopping at a normal store, I'm like, geez, it's like asking me what I had for breakfast this morning. And so in a sex shop, I'm like, did you come yet? Sorry. It's definitely a good world. I mean, there's so much funny stuff there. Especially shopping cart. Yeah. Shopping cart. Yeah. Shopping cart. You were getting somewhere. You were getting in your style, in your

zone. A little awkward, but a funny thing to acknowledge. I don't ever think of shopping carts anywhere in the way that you say that'd be a lot of stuff. The only shopping carts there that homeless used to get there. There's some crazy shit with shopping carts. Maybe they sell them as... Did you get Chapstick? I did. You really went there to get there. There's some crazy shit with shopping carts. Maybe they sell them as...

Did you get ChapStick? I did. You really went there to get ChapStick? I didn't go there to get ChapStick. I'm unemployed now. What kind of ChapStick is at a sex shop? Shaped like a dick? It tastes like cherries.

They do have that. So you're like, I'm'm gonna go get some chapstick that's no no I just I didn't want I wanted to buy something but I didn't need anything so

I was like you know every girl needs something I like the I like the inner dialogue like when you were talking about the

the shopping cart I like that your inner dialogue almost got to it was the way you were telling the punchline because you were shaking and stammering so much. You're like, I'm going to give you a lot of stuff. It's a neat way to deliver a punchline

or at least to deliver a tag and go... Or a way to... You know, like I went to a sex shop to get Carmex. I'm not fucking lying. Or like, whatever you do. I like it. The nervousness is an interesting angle of delivering.

And I'm guessing the nervousness is genuine? Yeah. You should have made the chapstick a black guy, though. Okay. I'm going off to you. 21. So, you know, I think you have to chisel it out. And really work on your breathing.

I mean, just chill. Because you've got to realize we're all in this together. No one is hoping you tank. So you've just got to go up there and know that, hey, they're with you on your little ride. And your sorries and your don't know why I said that. It means dog shit to us. It means less than nothing. And your riding's great. It always will. and your don't know why I said that, it means dog shit to us. It means less than nothing. Your writing's great.

It always will. So just deliver it as good as it is. And slow down in your writing too because I guarantee you, I've been into a lot of sex shops and they always say... That's where we met. Lots of chapstick for this guy.

They always say, can I help you find something? And that's the almost uncomfortable question ever they ask you for the name of the person that helped you at the end because she was like did anybody help you today and i was like this lady said hi no i'm lonely i'm in a sex shop but if you went to a sex shop and they go can i help you find something you're like i'm looking for chapstick they'd be like sure like they wouldn't buy that they'd be like what are you really looking for and you're like fucking a can fucking a can i bought fucking a can in miami is it like put your dick flashlight put your dick it was i thought it

was going to be a vagina but you do that with a coke can you can save like 14 dollars no it was a it was a kirin can and uh and instead of having a pussy it had a mouth and it just looked at me when I got it back to my room like don't do it man please don't do it please don't do it not cool not cool Melissa you know we just

it's another night where it's just sort of back to the one root thing with you you know you're a special type of creature so it just all gets back to you know lose the apologies. I didn't need to say that. It doesn't protect you. It doesn't save you. Just keep reinforcing the fact that it's better to just say nothing

than to say sorry or I don't know why you said that. Because the audience doesn't know that something isn't funny unless you tell them. It can always still be a setup. Sorry, four seconds in and then they're going, oh, I didn't know what was happening but now I know she's not doing good four seconds in.

That she's apologizing and panicking and they don't need to know that. They don't care. It doesn't matter to them. Nobody's going to go, I wasn't going to laugh at something if it was funny because she didn't apologize about that first four seconds. So you just move on. Pat?

And the rapid anti-Semitism I think was a little much. That's a 24. 0 for 24 for those of you keeping 24. Rampant. He's committing to the bit though. Again, one of the hardest jobs in the world, writing and

performing a brand new minute every single week. There she goes, Melissa Esslinger. She's on Twitter and a bunch of things. At Melissa Esslinger, E-S-L-I-N-G-E-R. Here we are. One left. And then there was one. She is the other regular on the show.

Always cool. Always fun. Vanessa Johnston, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. I don't know if you've looked out your window recently, but people are exploding in the name of God. Religious extremists, man, they're everywhere. They're under your bed.

They see you when you're sleeping. They make absolutely no fucking sense in any religion. They're like, God is omniscient and omnipotent. There is no one more powerful than he. He can do whatever, however he wants at any time. And I'm his helper. What? Well, you see, sometimes God can't do the stuff that he really wants to

so he leans on me sally elementary school dropout his trusty sidekick um god's leaning on you god needs you no he fucking doesn't i have an idea go back to your job at the cash registered rbs and stick to your Bible crossword puzzles. You're making God look like a pussy. Vanessa Johnston, ladies and gentlemen. You have a great premise there. You do. But don't you think it seems like

it's like she's doing a one-man play or something like that? Well, I definitely think that that seemed like a one-man play. But that's not what a premise is, Brian. A premise isn't the performance. Didn't you feel like that whole performance seemed very playish? Like she's looking out a window or something? Totally. Totally. I feel like the name of that play would be

I Hate People. I mean... Do you hate people, Vanessa? Yes. It's a common... It's a very common thing. How long have you been in stand-up again? Ten months. Ten months, right. It's a very common thing. How long have you been on stand-up again? Ten months. Ten months, right.

Such a common thing. Super common. We were all guilty of it, of having long setups. And then by the time you really get to meat and potatoes or something, we're already sort of like, you know what I mean? Everybody's attention spans are garbage. And it's not your voice. That's not a normal sounding voice.

The whole premise that you're talking about is, who the fuck are these people blowing themselves up that think they're so special that they're God's little helpers? Yeah. And, you know, that should be your first line of the joke. Just like that. Well, I would jump even ahead of that. And this is just me me but like at 10 months

in i wouldn't try to tackle act out no no no no i wouldn't try to tackle such a big subject yeah i mean let i mean i'm being serious when i say like like religious fanaticism and religion and and i don't i didn't wasn't sure if you're talking about christians or muslims i know i thought that was confusing it was first muslims but then i was like, I'm not going to do a Middle Eastern act out. Can you please? Jeremiah is so good at them. You're so good at your act outs. How long did it take for you to get comfortable with your voices? That's just something that I

have been doing since I was a little kid. So I don't know. I don't know. Because I feel like I got relatively comfortable with one-liners. And I was a little kid, so I don't know. I don't know. Because I feel like I got relatively comfortable with one-liners, and I was like, okay, this is... Obviously, it's hard writing new ones, but I'm comfortable here.

So now I'm starting to go into act-outs, and it's funny because I do well in crowds I'm uncomfortable around, but then crowds I'm not as comfortable here. It's not for everybody. I would skip it. I would skip the act-outs. Just be your voice, talking about whatever you want to talk about.

I found it very interesting. I was just picturing you teaching a class down at county prison. Imagine how many people would be jerking off in that class. I mean, Jesus. Yeah, but see, if you don't do an act out, it can be misleading. If I was like, so last night I'm having sex I'm on top And the other person's like

Hey man put it in my ass You're like hold on Is that a dude Or is that a chick Right So you need to do the act The act out is imperative When you're doing that

Only because You know and you can also say I'm not going to do the racist Middle Eastern accent Or whatever Whatever And also just Don't forget the

And you can also just get to it quicker Because it's I mean all the other shit was confusing But the initial premise I understood that everyone wants to blow themselves up Yeah but you gotta get If you're gonna take on something that's not about you You have to hit the premise from the very beginning

And again The overall thing that we find with this show Every comedian every episode is We want to know more about you And your outlook on terrorism and all that like i've been doing this every night for nine years continuously sometimes three spots a night and i right now am taking on movie theater shootings and i have the definitive movie theater shooting bit because i'm a badass motherfucker but my point with that is is i couldn't do that at

three four five six seven years it's now you know what i mean i'm i'm to the point to where i know But my point with that is I couldn't do that at 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 years. It's now. You know what I mean? I'm to the point to where I know that I can own that for 10 minutes. Anyway. Okay. Thanks, guys. Vanessa Johnson, there she goes.

Ryan J. Ebel with tonight's drawing. Look at that. That happened while you were sitting here. Unfucking believable. RyanJEBelt.com. There's a print of every single show that Ryan JeBelt's ever been to available there. You can buy that print. Pat Reagans, Patty Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins.

Hi, Jeremiah. Stand up. You guys have gigs coming up? Bert Kreischer and Kirk Fox. One more time for them, ladies and gentlemen. What do you think, guys? What's happening? Anything else?

The Machine? Nope. Tour dates? When's this air? Right now. Oh, Portland. I'm there tomorrow night and Wednesday, Thursday night. Awesome.

Yep. Showtime Special Labor First is sold out, so that's it. We're done. I love that. Yep. Kirk Fox. Rush Hour, Thursday night. Yeah.

10 o'clock. CBS? CBS. Boom. Detective, asshole. I love it. Premieres Thursday. Oh, you're in Rush Hour? CBS. Boom. Detective Asshole. I love it. Premieres Thursday. Oh, you're in Rush Hour?

Yes, I am. Fuck yes. Why do you think I just kind of leaned back? God damn it, man. Nashville, everything coming up. Thank you, live audience, and good night. See ya. Thank you. Outro Music I'm hitting what he's in a hoodie. you