KILL TONY - KILL TONY #15

Episode Date: October 2, 2013

Jerrod Carmichael, Fahim Anwar, Sara Mostajabi, Kimberly Congdon, Iron Patriot, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 09/09/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Check out our t-shirt store, ShopSquad.TV. That's where you have the official Death Squad kitty cat t-shirt. It's a limited edition shirt. So get it before it sells out, because once it sells out, it's gone forever. Also, me and Tony are coming to Phoenix, Arizona this Thursday, September 26th. This is an important show. This is the first time Death Squad has come to Phoenix.

We're trying to impress everyone there so we can start coming back on the regular, bringing new Death Squad comics there. So please, take your friends, sisters, cousins, roommates, moms, whatever. We don't give a shit. Just go to StandUpLive.com to get your tickets for September 26th, Thursday, this Thursday. And then the following day, me and Tony are flying to Columbus, Ohio, our home state. We're being joined by Tom Segura, his

home state, and Christina Pajitsky, who does not come from Ohio. Anyways, we're going to be doing a comedy show, and tickets are on sale. It's at the Woodlands Backyard, 27th of September, go to deathsquad.tv for the links, and then, finally, the L.A. Podfest, the first week in October, go to lapodfest.com, so you can see a live version of Kill Tony,

this is the first time we're doing it outside of the comedy store, and it's going to be fun, This is the first time we're doing it outside of the Comedy Store, and it's going to be fun. We're going to have some pretty cool guest celebs, and you'll get to see this in a different environment. So check us out. We're also doing a Kevin Pereira Pointless at the L.A. Podfest, lapodfest.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Fuck yeah, everybody.

Welcome. How are you guys doing tonight? Holy shit. There's a big crowd here tonight. A shout out to the Death Squad fans that are out here. Hey guys, how are you? Welcome. There's a plethora of them.

My homeboy, J.R. Steiner, is wearing the greatest t-shirt I've ever seen in my entire life. J.R., will you come up here real quick and show this thing off? Yeah, it's badass. But there's controversy about it, but it's badass. Hello? Yeah. Look at this fucking Kill Tony shirt, ladies and gentlemen. Will you

please? So, since discovering the Joe Rogan podcast and with Brian's help, we've created like this little community we call Death Squad. Can I raise this motherfucker? Hell yeah, you can. And there's like eight of us here right now. And we flew from all over the country. And so what I wanted to do was get some shirts together for us.

So I came up with this idea. Like the Iron Patriot thing is definitely like a, you know, it's like a thing only the fans will get, you know what I mean? So I wanted to surprise these guys. So yeah, here's the shirt. We'll never actually be able to sell it because of

copywriting, but this is it, man. So we fucking love you guys. Kill Tony, man. Thank you so much, man. Put your hands together for J.R. Steiner and the Death Squad Nation,

everybody. But what we should do real quick, though, is stay up on stage real quick, because let's introduce the Iron Patriot, because there is controversy about this. Ladies and gentlemen, the Iron Patriot is here, everyone.

For every life you save, there's a million new ways to die. That's one of his... I am the Iron Patriot. That's one of his many catchphrases. Patriot, you have any new catchphrases this week? Just between me and you, here's my little secret. The bad guy always wins. Me killing you is just perfect symbolism

for the times. Wow, that's a long catchphrase. Tony, Tony. I'm happy that JR took the time to make the t-shirt, but something's bothering me. Oh, what's bothering you, Patriot? Is it the fact that JR is somewhat black?

No. What did he call them last week is somewhat black? No. No. What did he call them last week? Female brothers? You know I don't like the Iron Patriot in the movies. I don't like the Don Cheadle, the war machine. I'm Norman Osborn, the one that fought against Green Goblin. I'm the comic book Iron Patriot.

It's the thought that counts, though, right? Oh, I love it. I love it. I love that you did it. I could have put anybody on this shirt. If you don't Photoshop on me, maybe we won't get in copyright thing because I don't look exactly like anything really. I'm like the comic book but not the movie. I'm sorry I didn't get it right.

I did my best though. It's beautiful but that kind of strikes a chord with me because I've talked with Tony about that before. He knows how I feel about that. Patriot, what's the difference exactly in the logistics between the comic book Patriot and the Patriot, what's the difference exactly in the logistics between the comic book Patriot and the Patriot that's on the shirt? There's this whole great story

of how it's Norman Osborn that fought against, he was Green Goblin, he fought against Spider-Man. But why does anybody care who's underneath the suit? But they had to change the story because in the movies, the people, different people own the rights. The Marvel owns the movie rights and the different people own Sony on Spider-Man.

What the fuck are you talking about right now, Patriot? What are you? I get it, Tony. I get it. Jesus. You get what he's saying. I don't want to sound like I don't appreciate it. I mean, he did a great job.

Hey, three episodes ago, you started getting real Hollywood on us. What's going on here? Iron Patriot, do you remember the old tom and jerry when it used to be awesome and then they made that new tom and jerry that look everyone looked really weird on it yeah is it like the same thing to you yeah it's just when they when they change a story that you're so passionate about see i didn't even know they're gonna have it in the movie till like a year ago you know they came out that with pictures that the iron patriot was gonna be in the movie before that the guy that made the costume for me,

we didn't even know it was going to be in Iron Man 3. And then it was kind of a shock when we saw they changed the story up because we were so in love with the story. Who's we? Who was in love with this story? The guy that sculpted the costume in Norway, my friend John. Where's that Hollywood bear at? That comes when people run the light.

I was saying to JR, I would like to maybe somebody in the crowd maybe get a shirt. Hollywood Barrett. That comes when people run the light. I was saying to JR, I would like to maybe somebody in the crowd maybe get a shirt. Yeah, absolutely. Should we do like a contest? Like maybe trivia? Can you think of a quick trivia? Wait, I thought there was only one shirt and that it was for me. No, no, no, no.

I brought like 12 of them. Did you really? And there's only eight claims. So if you want to give, you want to do like a quick trivia or something? Loser. Oh, well, I. Where the hell did that come from? ghost a 13 year old ghost in here do you have mine you want to give it to me because i want to put it over here so i'll have it all right like you're gonna possibly be able to keep an eye on

a shirt that's sitting next to you i put it over here by kimberly i want to see if i just put it there and then i'll grab it kimberly will steal it and rip it up and make it sexy. She needs her own shirt. Oh, my God. Let me see what size it is. Let me see if you got the right size. Are you going to wear it over your suit? No, no, no, no. You don't want to stretch it out with those sweet-ass muscles.

Can you hold that up? I want to see how big it is because I'll kind of see if it's the right size. Hey, why don't we take care of this after the show? Also, I brought Tony's new stickers. They're really shiny, golden pony. They're extremely flamboyant. I don't know. You can zoom with that camera, right?

Like everything of me, it's extremely flamboyant. Yeah, it's really, it's super shiny. So if you guys want stickers, I brought a shit ton. Just come up to me and I'll be outside. That is so fucking cool. I'll give everybody stickers. I mean, I have a bunch in here, so I to me and we'll be outside. I'll give everybody stickers. I mean, I have a bunch in here. J.R. Steiner, everybody.

Powering the merch of greats like Tony Hinchcliffe, Joey Diaz, and Brody Stevens. A great soul. Fuck yeah. Patriot's gonna... The best is when he just gets real. We need to get him one of those fanny packs.

I used to have one with my old costume before I got this. I actually had a red fanny pack. A colonial red. I do not find that hard to believe at all. I can picture a red fanny pack on that thing. Now, it seems like it's getting a little dusty. Do you polish that ever? I told you it kind of dirty, but you know what?

I think it's good that the white's dirty because in the pictures, my eyes wouldn't really show up if the white was too bright all over. I really think it's designed for pictures because if you look at me in the pictures, my eyes kind of have a different white than the face. If the chest and everything was too bright, you wouldn't see my lights. I mean, maybe I'm just trying to rationalize, but I really think that's true. I think you're trying to rationalize a bit.

No, Tony, you know, you see my pictures. They look good. He knows he looks good. What pictures are we talking about? You know,

pictures on Instagram and Twitter. What are you saying? They look pretty badass. I've got a lot of pictures. And the dirt is actually a good contrast between the lights of his eyes. Red band's getting what I'm saying. Why don't you guys go bot fuck

somewhere already? Fuck yeah. Patriot, anything else exciting happen this week? Did you smoke any pot or anything? Any deep thoughts with the Patriot? I was on criminal minds and I was on Criminal Minds and I was in the 16th century

at a Salem Witch thing in Massachusetts. And they dressed me in 16th century clothing and made me real dirty. They even made my teeth yellow. I didn't like it. Oh, for the show.

I have enough problem keeping my teeth white without them putting that shit on there. What do they use to make it yellow? Just, I don't know. It tastes weird, too. I try to tell them that I don't need it, but they put it on there.

There were some cute girls, though, dressed in that 16th century clothing, though. There really were. Were their feet exposed? No, but I saw their cute faces and everything. I can imagine. What did you think of your girl, Miley, twerking? I like to watch her twerk. But I told you the story when I was on Hannah Montana.

She don't have nice feet. It shocked me too. I know. I couldn't believe it either, Tony. I couldn't believe it. Heck yeah. She got such a cute face. Have you seen that new video that was released?

You know there's some bad grammar in that video? Which one? You know how she says, we run things, things don't run we? That's not correct grammar. It should be things, we run things, things don't run us. It's got your left arm twitching, I noticed, quite a bit. Oh, I gotta stop doing that, Tony. That's what my mom says.

I always twitch my arm. Damn. Gotta be fucking shitting me. You keep telling me when I do that because I gotta correct that. It's a bad habit. I can't do that anymore. I'm a superhero.

I can't be looking like a twitcher. But can we just say, honestly, as a robot, it works. It looks like you're kind of redoing something or rebooting. But can we just say, honestly, as a robot, it works. It looks like you're kind of redoing something or rebooting. Yeah, but I don't want to look like I have Parkinson's disease or something. Yeah, I always wondered if it was part of your robotic type of... I always wondered if it was the suit or something. But now that you've admitted that your mom's always told you

that you need to control your arm twitching, I think it adds a great element because it makes you so human in a way. Yeah. Hey Tony, can I ask you about that roast? I was watching that roast on Comedy Central. Yes. It was very hard to watch it because they keep showing this movie Neighbors like over and over like about 20 times. Did you see that? What do you mean it was

hard to watch it? I'm saying I was watching all my clips of my favorite comedians, Jeff Ross and Sarah Silverman. How do they distribute those jokes? You know Ross and Sarah Silverman. How do they distribute those jokes? You know, you write those jokes. How do they determine which one of your jokes go to which comedian and stuff? It's a very interesting, long process. A lot of it has to do with the comedians coming up with their own sort of take on the situation, what they want to get through that night.

A lot of them write it themselves. A lot of them write it with us in a room. Sometimes we write them in a room and just write these crazy fucking jokes that turn into, I mean, everybody knows a great one when they see it, so then sometimes we just deal them out accordingly. But it's an interesting, different type of process that never has a rhyme or reason. But good question. Cool, cool.

I appreciate hearing that behind the scenes. Well, I mean, you asked me, so you really didn't give me much of a choice. Yes, yes. I was interested in that, Tony. I'd like to thank you guys, because people are watching the Dirty Crabber videos on YouTube now. Oh, they are? The hits up?

They're seeing, they're all Death Squad fans. They're saying Iron Patriot. Now, do you still talk to all the Crabbers? I've been in contact with them the last couple weeks because I've been telling them to watch this show I'm on that they're really featuring Dirty Crabber. Did you have a fallout with one of them? No, not really. I mean, I'm the guitar player in Dallas.

I still know him. The saxophone player lives there. The drummer lives in Las Vegas. So, you know, I'm the guitar player in Dallas. I still know him. The saxophone player lives there. The drummer lives in Las Vegas. So I keep in contact with him pretty good. And I got a girl that lives in Hollywood that was one of the Seafood Review, one of my dancer girls. Wait, what are they called?

The Seafood Review. How many girls were there? I had eight different girls that danced with me at different times. Could you bring one of the girls to a show one time? Yeah, I've been trying to work on that, but the one girl I want to bring, she wants money. Oh. Are we talking $10, $20? No, I don't know, but I just told her we're all working for free to try to build this show up. Nobody's getting paid yet. And then the other girl, she wants to bring her young daughter to dance with her and this clubs 21 the real the real seafood review she has a dog so you've talked with the other dirty crab remember feeling like it could

come back we could bring it back dirty crabber in 2013 when he flinches. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel good about my career, Tony. I think I'm going to have a house in Malibu. Oh, we can tell. Look at that left arm go. Yeah. Can you say you think you're going to have a house in Malibu again? Yes. I'll be living next to Robert Downey. Oh, and that would be like a perfect Iron Patriot, Iron Man type of thing.

I'm trying to get him excited so that he does it again. That's an odd-out, Tony. I'm thinking about running for president in 2016. The country needs me right now. We need a change. Patriot's the man. What would be your main platform?

Protect the feet. Fuck yeah, Patriot. Here's your vice president, Dr. Scholz. No more high heels. No more of that crazy shit that makes the bunions and hurts the feet. Protect the feet. Oh, you are one excited little Patriot tonight, aren't you? Yes, I'm glad.

I mean, I have to thank you guys. You guys are the ones that made this all happen for me, and I don't say enough to you, Tony and Red Band. Thank you very much for this. Well, we're happy to have you, Patriot. You excited about our guests tonight? Oh, yeah. I saw them both on the Really Hunter show.

Bring them up. Ladies and gentlemen, you guys ready to get this thing started or what? My guests tonight, two guys, literally two of the smartest, funniest, most awesome people that I know. These guys are unbelievable, and it's an absolute miracle that I'm such a badass motherfucker that I'm able to get these two guys on my show at the same time. So, what do you say we just bring them up?

Put your hands together for this guy. He has his own amazing comedy group called the Goat Face Comedy. Truly hilarious. You can catch them almost every single night of the week here at the Comedy Store. Put your hands together for the one and only Fahim Anwar. Monster. And our other guest.

Hello. One of the most amazing rising talents in the entire world. A great friend. Me and this guy started together. One of the funniest guys. If you don't know him, you're going to. The one and only Gerard Carmichael, everybody.

Hell yeah. Fuck yes. I can't tell you how excited I am to have you two guys with me, with Red Band, and with the Iron Patriot. Excited to be here. How's it going, guys?

Great. This is great. I know. You know about the Iron Patriots? I don't know shit about the Iron Patriots. Something confused me I have to ask you guys about. Okay. I saw both of you on YouTube today on the Willie Hunter show.

Oh, okay. You did your homework? Yeah. Tony's got me working every week. I'm working hard to keep this job. But anyway... Right, we have an aluminum patriot that applied last week. Didn't you...

I enjoyed your dance routine. Thank you. You had long hair. Yeah. And your name was Lance Can't Stop-a-less. That's true, yeah. Now, when did the change occur that you have a new name and you cut your hair? I love that you think that's who the real me is.

You had this crazy mullet and a wife beater. Who's this clean-cut guy? It's a character that I play. Oh, I enjoyed the dancing. You're very, very talented. He's like, I like that guy better than this guy up here. Bring him back. I have something to ask you, Gerard.

Yes. I noticed on Twitter that your handle is Notorious Rod. Does that mean that your penis is well-known and famous? Oh, my God. Patriot, you son of a bitch. My banana is notorious, too. I almost beat the shit out of you for asking that just then. It's Notorious Rod.

Do I have to answer that? No. No, you don't. Do I have to answer that? No. No, you don't. You're 0 for 1 with questions with Gerard. The Iron Patriot is our head of security here, Gerard. I learned you're from North Carolina. Yes. I saw that interview and you worked at a shoe store.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of creepy, man. Oh, my God. It is creepy. Yeah. Thank you, though. I really enjoyed that joke on YouTube of you talking about the war that's going on at Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A.

Chicken filet, the entire word at Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A. Chicken filet, the entire word. Chick-fil-A. I wish I would have known more about you. You can read up on me, too. If you want to go to my Twitter, look at my pictures. I feel like he baited you into this. Right. Funny you should ask.

I'll check it out, man man I'm going to check it out I feel like I owe you one I'm glad you guys are here tonight I mean it's a really good family we got here I love when Tony brings his friends so I can meet them I saw two arm twitches on that one which means he's really

excited he bought this $4,000 suit it's amazing yeah and it was shipped from what country He's really excited. He bought this $4,000 suit, right? It's amazing, yeah. And it was shipped from what country? From Norway. From Norway. It took a year and a half.

I didn't know if I was going to get it. There was many delays, legal issues, and health problems with the sculptor. But I finally got it. I didn't know if I would ever get it. And even over a year ago, I was dreaming to come to Death Squad. And I wanted to come meet Red Band. Because I knew he would love Dirty Crabber. Like three or four years ago, I knew he would love Dirty Crabber.

But I had no way to get it to him. Because I could have sent it, but he's not going to pay attention to me. You know, I couldn't get him. It was so frustrating because I couldn't get him the music. And I knew he loved the Crabber. The Dirty Crabber is a band that the Iron Patriot was in. I wanted to ask so bad. It was a band he was in in Texas when he was growing up.

And their big hit song, it was Peel That Banana. No, Share My Banana. Share My Banana. Really? In which he would hand out bananas to everybody in the audience. He would throw them at them at first, and then he would start this song, and it's accidentally racist.

You know, Tony, if you keep going down this route with me, Jesse Jackson and Al Shumton are going to come for me. Oh, what's this, Patriot? Yeah. That's a funny name for a monkey One day he found a simple lady She was climbing on a tree She walked a tree drive That's a funny name for a monkey That's a funny name for a monkey

Yeah! I... I... Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I unlocked a cheat code in a video game. Oh, my God. That's a story about two monkeys Named Jacob and Letitia But it ain't racist I ain't talking about no female brothers It's not racist

He swears that it's not racist I'm not talking about any female brothers During that song It's about two monkeys You could make a cartoon out of that He could have said nothing And nobody would have thought that I couldn't make out a few of the words so I just

assumed it wasn't racist. Well, we already went over this. In Kill Tony 11 we went over this before when Kevin was the guest comedian. Kevin Christie. You know the numbers and everything. Now, if you missed it there for a moment, because it all happened quick, Patriot just said the words.

The song's not racist. It's not racist. It's not about a female brother. And what he's saying, when he says female brother, that's his way of describing black women. I'm not kidding. I've noticed this over the last few weeks.

He naturally, I guess it's from originally being from Texas or something, but the female brothers. And he doesn't call them sisters. I asked him this last week. He doesn't call them sisters because he doesn't want people getting them confused for nuns. I couldn't make that up. That's him.

Gerard, what's the report on everything I just told you? You don't understand how much I love the brothers. I was raised on good times Sanford and Son. Gerard just put the mic down again. Jeez. I love Jimmy Walker. Dynamite. Oh, my God.

Gerard, is he ruining Iron Man for you? Can you not watch the movies anymore? Not as much as he's just validating Texas for me. The reputation stays true. The reputation of Texas. Well, you guys know what we do here. We have a huge amount of comedians that sign up in order to get pulled out of this bucket. They get 60 seconds to maybe try something new, maybe try something old, and whether

it's new or old, we try to either tag their material or interview them, talk about something else that we think else they should talk about or something like that. It's just an interview after they do 60 seconds of stand-up. Comedians, when you hit 60 seconds exactly, you're going to hear this cat meow.

That means you're at 60 seconds to stop then because if you continue to go, the angry West Hollywood bear comes out. Now, originally it would be like 5 or 10 seconds after you went over your time the bear would come out.

But we've noticed recently that Red Band gets a little excited and sometimes that bear will come pretty quickly after the cat. Oh, that bear is already brewing in there. You can just hear it getting ready for people to run the light. If you don't, if for some reason they're not here for their spot, they get blacklisted permanently from the show. And all that means is that they're off the show.

They go into a different pile, and the Iron Patriot makes this noise. All right. So what do you guys say we get this thing started, huh? Fuck yeah. Let's do it. It's all happening. And our first comedian tonight for 60 seconds is Rob Russell. Here we go.

It's all happening is Rob Russell. Here we go. It's all happening. Rob Russell. Oh, shit. Shit. That was very aggressive and I loved it. Yeah.

Blacklisted. Rob Russell on the blacklist. Good gracious. It's intense. All right. Your first comedian tonight is Jessamyn. Everyone. Hi, everyone. Hello. I've heard the rattle of the bull Hi everyone! Hello.

Hi! With all that cheering that went on, I would never know I was in a comedy club. Just kidding, you would never know you were in L.A. Too friendly. I like to explain my worldview up front. I don't believe in black and white. I believe in blonde and brunette. Okay. worldview up front. I don't believe in black and white. I believe in blonde and brunette. So a lot of girls have to sleep with a guy to never hear from him again, but I don't. I just have to give him my number and I will never ever hear from him again. I wouldn't paint myself.

That's okay. You don't have to laugh when I laugh. We'll keep going. I got asked out by a guy and he didn't show up and I wasn't really worried at first. But when he texted me an hour and a half later saying, Jessamyn, I hate to do this to you, but my girlfriend just broke up with me and I'm in no mood to go out right now. I was pretty hurt, but I'm not vindictive. I would never key his car or anything like that. Mostly because he takes the bus.

But still, it's about manners in this day and age. And a lot of girls in L. and age and a lot of girls in LA have a lot of confidence and that's great. All right well that was a something. That was really something. Can I ask you for a second? Can you take down your microphone just talk to me for a second with no microphone. Okay. How's it going? Good, how are you?

You're talking louder now than you were just now. Really? You were. microphone just talk to me for a second with no microphone that was a mindfuck you've all been part of an experience it's really nerve-wracking on stage, and sometimes, Tony knows, because he's seen me in the past, I have a tendency to either talk really fast, like, beyond Coke talking, you know? And then, or sometimes, like, when I'm waiting to go on stage,

it's like you start self-diagnosing. I'm like, oh, there's something in my neck. And then the host, oh, yeah. Hello? Yeah, you gotta project, Jess. I mean, we're not even really getting an opportunity to know what you're saying, whether it's like you got to kick it out of the gate. Give us an example.

Say, I'll have some pie. I'll have some pie. Now actually try. I'll have some pie. It's try. I'll have some pie. It's already better. Did you hear that? Can somebody get her some fucking pie? What are you guys doing sitting there?

Jesus Christ. It's an unused Michelle Tanner line. Oh my God. Jessamyn. I love what's going on with you But I have no idea what you said the entire time you were up here Can I try one of them one more time? Just one joke Talking into the microphone

Try the joke and try to project I don't see the world in black and white I see it in blonde and brunette. The angry West Hollywood bear is out of nowhere. Alright, no, okay. I don't get what you're saying there. That sounds like a joke that Hitler would write.

I only see blonde and brunette. Are you saying that you don't want black people around? Are you saying that... What does that mean? Well, that's the problem. I guess that's true. It has a back story.

So I guess I was just thinking about how whenever I've gone to meet up, blonde girls tend to talk to me more than others. And then when I go to meet their friends, they're all blonde. And I feel like when I first meet them, they kind of look me up and down, kind of like, hmm, little brunette must be lost. So that's where that was coming from.

Well, there's more here in this than just that. You're going deeper with this than just the tagline. Yeah, I should have. You have to be really specific in my head. It's like, I just don't want to go first. And I should have been like, I want to go third. That way I would just. No, that wouldn't change anything.

No, yeah, it wouldn't change anything. Yeah. I wanted to... It's just like the first time you go... But I totally agree with what Fahim was just saying. Conversationally, when you were just explaining that... We got more insight into you with that than just... Because anybody, like a corporation,

can come up with that for a billboard or something. I get that. Because I guess like the one thing I've always wanted to just get better at with stand-up is if you have a story, how do you get, you know, your five or six lines into that really concise two or three? I guess it's practice. Well, something to think about too is like we know nothing about you or the way your mind works really.

Like anybody could have done like what you said. That's interchangeable. Like I don't. So there's that. There's joke writing, and then there's also just nerves because you're new, so it's very hard to process the two

because you've got so many things going on. So it's just stage time to wear out those nerves, and then you can just be you on stage. Have you ever considered wearing an Iron Patriot suit? Just kidding, Patriot. Jesus, that death glare you're giving me. And that left arm's so solid, not twitching

at all. That fucking thing is a wall right now. I guess I like my clothes, so I'll stick to my closet. I know what you mean, but I guess... Jessamyn, I love it. You gotta project next time, okay?

Gerard, do you have any? You got to really push it. Gerard, what do you think? Jessamyn? No, I mean, I think it seems like you have a bunch of pain that you're masking with adorableness. Really? Once you get to that shit that your father did,

it's going gonna be great god I was hoping you would go there boom I appreciate that and for the record it's not my father it's your uncle it's somebody it's myself but thank you I I appreciate it.

Heck yeah. Jessamyn, everybody. She's on Twitter at Real Adorable. Real underscore adorable. That's her actual Twitter handle. Of course. Gerard Carmichael nailing it from three point range. Everybody.

Fuck yeah. Jessamyn's got the mic in the mic stand. One more time for Jessamyn, everybody. Adorable. Real adorable. I think, I don't know. She said it wasn't her dad, but it could be because she just goes by the name Jessamyn. She doesn't rep that last name.

You know what I'm saying? So who knows what's going on there? I think you may have hit that ball out of the park. She was quick rep that last name, you know what I'm saying? So who knows what's going on there? I think you may have hit that ball out of the park. She was quick to say no, it wasn't dead. It was life. You don't get that sweet and adorable without having to have tried to make someone happy.

You know what I'm saying? It's just like the cover-up, like not to get done, my apologies. You're so fucking dead on. Absolutely. Holy shit. Fuck yes. You're so fucking dead on, absolutely. Holy shit, fuck yes. I'm so glad to have you guys here. This is so exciting.

Fuck yeah. You fucking two are unbelievable. This is great. Patriot, having fun so far? Oh yes, he nailed it on that joke. I couldn't beat that one. What the fuck? Patriot, I don't think you've ever been funny on purpose.

I don't know. Put your hands together for your next comedian. It's Pete Christian Hessing. I like the sound of the broken pieces. I like that. I think he's coming. I think he's coming. We're sidecrunchies. We got machines, but think he's coming. How are you guys doing?

I hope you guys are doing all right. And thank you guys for the opportunity. I've been coming here a lot, and I've been trying to find a way around it, and I just sort of found it out. Yeah, I was walking down Hollywood Boulevard and I saw

they have all these signs. They have a sign for a star for Snow White. There's a star for the Muppets. There's a star for Donald Duck. I mean, these stars cost $30,000. Why not have a star for, you know, Jesus? Or a star for love or peace? And we would have probably love or peace in

the world, you know? You know, they could flip a switch, and all you guys in here would be millionaires, you know, network marketing. We could all have websites and computer accounts, and we could all be businessmen. But But you know, that's all the scared. All you guys have a million dollars, you probably, all the banks would probably shut down. You go in the bank trying to pull out a million dollars all the time, all the banks would be out.

So there's so many things that. All right, Pete, that's your time. Well, you guys allow me to go first. I loved every second of that. Every second of that. Every second of that. And once we get to the bottom of whatever you did to your daughter, you're going to be great. That's almost my note.

It's a little pitchy. Thank you, good. I mean, listen, here's the thing. And this is a compliment. Whatever you are, you're for real about it. And I like that. Like, whatever you are, it's not like you're for real that. You know what I'm saying?

Like, it's like for real. You could tell. You could just look at his eyes. That's not trying. That's life coming at you fast. I've never seen somebody that looks both like a cowboy and an Indian before. But somehow you're pulling that off.

I've heard of the game Cowboys and Indians, but you could just be both sides all at once. You could play that like solitaire. But then if I were to guess, like, he's only in America because he committed a hate crime in Jamaica. No, man, no problem, man. No, no. Now, where are you from?

No, man, I'm from Jamaica. Yeah, you're right. Nailed it. Still shooting from half court and making it. Gerard Carmichael. I think we need a Jamaican. Martin Luther King is going to come and say, I believe that one day we'll have a dream

and all Jamaicans will have no problem. No problem. And he just squeezed another bit in. Yeah, he did. He knew the bear was sleeping for a moment and he got it out there. I got the bear off guard. Fuck yes.

Oh, shit. Fahim, what do you got for Pete Christian Hesling? What's going on here? I liked how he soaked up the intro. No nerves, just I'm here. I'm about to rock your world. And then it got a little high high school motivational speakerish in the middle yeah and then it really i think i believe at one point you were saying give everybody a million

dollars and the banks will probably collapse yeah okay why is nobody not taking financial advice Give them credit cards, you know, where they don't get jacked. You know, they can buy stuff, you know, don't have to put all the money in the bank at once. Give them their limit. Why is nobody not taking financial advice? I know, absolutely. Exactly. You use a lot of commas and not periods when you talk, I noticed. It's like to make an accident, man.

No problem, man. I always try to say too much. Is the clothes like you or for stand-up? Stand-up? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, stand-up, yeah. So, like, in the daytime, you're like this? In the daytime, I do a bit of... I do a TV... I'm into music.

I do a DJ on KCLA, and I do a bit of TV on KNBS. You can see me on KNBS. I do a bit of TV on KNBS. You can see me on KNBS. Wow, that's a... I never heard a radio station with 14 letters. I asked if he wore that in the daytime and he told me where I can see it.

Yeah, but I gotta take off this. It's too hot. I gotta take off my undershirt. So you just take off the undershirt. You keep the jacket and the scarf on. You're banging a lot of girls? If you have the condoms, they can go. That's an interesting motto.

Give this guy a condom, he gets confidence all of a sudden. All right, well, I like your style, Pete, Christian. How long have you been doing stand-up? Well, not very long. I was mostly a musician. Patriot has something he wants to say I love it I want to comment on the first part of his routine

it is interesting how many stars there are on the Hollywood Boulevard he's like this is my territory quit encroaching that shit stretches all the way down to Vine over to Capitol Records when I first got here I thought they would just be up by the Chinese theater but they got stars But, I mean, that shit stretches all the way down to Vine over to Capitol Records.

I mean, when I first got here, I thought they would just be up kind of by the Chinese theater, but they got stars for everybody. Just like, you know, you said the Muppets and Kermit the Frog. I mean, I hope to have my own star someday that says Comic Patriot. It's $30,000 for each star. I went in there, guys, and you've got to get $30,000 just to put a star out there. It's a comedy duo now. Yeah, let's go a star out there. It's a comedy duo now. Let's go on the road together.

Heck yeah. There he goes. That's Pete Christian Hessing. Good job, Pete. Thanks for coming, buddy. Thank you, guys. Does he have a Twitter? This is your official Twitter, at Hessing? At P. Hessing, everybody. Follow him on Twitter.

I'm surprised. You don't seem like the kind of guy that would have a Twitter account. Yeah. Well, when you always forget your password, you have to do that. That's part of forgetting your password. They're trying to silence him. It's a conspiracy. It's 160 characters.

Oh my god. I fucking love it. He also doesn't seem like his name would be Pete Christian Hessing either, right? Doesn't that sound like a school shooter? The wallet he found? He also looks like him. Yeah, the one that he found.

First day here in the newspaper. Go sign Pete Christian Hessing, the obituary. All right. Fuck yeah. alright, fuck yeah another thing that I love about that is there's three spaces on these things when comedians sign up a lot of them don't fill out the third because they don't know

what they're going to talk about but the third one is the topic and what Pete Christian Hessing wrote for his topic was weddings economics and something else, there's an and logo, and then his handwriting was too big, so it got really small. Did you hear any wedding stuff?

No. No. I thought I missed that. I honestly didn't hear anything he said. He wrote three things for topic. I love that. Looks like the word pearl of some kind. Were you going to cover pearl?

Oh, there he is. I see the outline of the cowboy hat deep in the distance. He just came out of nowhere from the farthest corner of the room. All right, Pete, you're good, buddy. We're having fun. We're bumping. Let's pick another one, shall we? You guys having fun out there?

Fuck yeah, you are. Put your hands together for Paul Aaliyah, everybody. Here he is, Paul Aaliyah. What's up, y'all? You guys, they're about to make a Fast and the Furious 7. 7. Not one time in any of those movies have they ever stopped to get some gas.

You guys just Where are they getting this fuel from In the seventh one those motherfuckers Walking Walking It's me Vin Diesel kicking a can of Pepsi Just like I told you motherfuckers We should have went to a Chevron

God damn it You can't get a girl without a car That's all I'm saying You know what bothers me I hate all I'm saying. You can't do that. You know what bothers me? I hate when I'm at a red light and I see a hot girl to my left and I look at her and she looks at me and then she slowly starts pulling forward.

And the light's still red. It's just like, she's saying no to me with her feet. You know what I mean? I'm just... So what I like to do is I like to pull up next to her and take it one step further. I like to pull up next to her and take it one step further.

Right? I like to pull up next to her and just be like this. Hey, so you on Facebook or you want to hang out? Oh, no? Oh. That was me going in reverse.

My name is Paul Line. Thank you very much. Whoa. Tempting the kitty cat and the bear. With one last word. Yeah. I like that doing the thing with the foot thing. Yeah.

But what really stood out to me was at the end of the first joke, how you turned into a black comedian in the end. Did you notice that? What was the word? It was something about... Those motherfuckers walking. Yeah, it sounded like that. Yeah, and then you repeated it louder the second time.

Right, like they didn't hear it. I mean, it was really like I was expecting you to just start walking off the stage like Chris Rock. You know what I mean? Just like walking sideways. Right. I've been doing that a lot lately. Doing that with my cadence.

I don't know why. It just comes out. Just bringing the urban shit in? Yeah, I've been watching a a lot lately doing that with my cadence I don't know why just bringing the urban shit in I've been watching a lot of urban comedy feels right I love when you have black framed glasses feels right I'm like a fish in water it doesn't look right

it may feel right but it doesn't come across as right it comes across as oh that guy's trying to be cool for a second. Right. But he's not. Right. Okay. Got it. Yeah. Paul Aaliyah. Is there more to that, the one with the window and the stepping up and going?

Yeah, I had more. I only had one minute, so I cut a lot of it out. So it's part of this whole thing about picking up girls in cars. stepping up and going. Yeah, I had more. I only had one minute, so I cut a lot of it out. Right. So it's part of this whole thing about picking up girls in cars. So I knew I had one minute, so I did the first part of it. Then. Do you usually pick up girls in cars?

Yeah. I have before. Really? Wow. Yeah, man. Like, if I see a girl next to me, I'll roll down my window and say something.

Oh, you're that guy? Yeah, I don't give a shit, guys. Jesus Christ. That's something you need to be talking about. You're a whistler. That you're that douchebag. You need to say, you need to come out and say, I'm a fucking douchebag. Here's what I do.

Yeah, this is why, and then explain. And then that other stuff will make sense, because we're just like, why are you creeping on women is what we're wondering. And it's funny, don't get me wrong. because we're just like, why are you creeping on women is what we're wondering when, I mean, and it's funny, don't get me wrong, and you can still use that, they're deciding with their foot, like you can't see them making that decision, but when they press that gas a little bit,

like I think that's very funny. Let's hear your cat call. Yeah, like what do you say when you roll down the fucking window and talk to all of our girlfriends and stuff? Yeah, because we hear about it almost like once a week. Your girl tells you that? She's like, some guy tried to hit on me in a car.

There's this creep in like Ray-Ban glasses and he sort of looked like a white ninja turtle. She had such good vision, she saw they were Ray-Ban glasses. I know what Ray-Bans when I see them, Tony. You know Donatello from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? There's something like...

Remember V-Nex? And you know what? And then he did an impression of a cool black guy and drove away. Oh, man. Yeah. I don't think you should waste time even talking about Facebook. Just say, I live down around the corner.

Let's go back to my place right now. When did I talk about Facebook, Iron Patriot? Yeah, yeah. When you stopped at the corner and then she was pulling ahead. You're trying to get... Oh, right, right, right, right, right. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, shit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Fight, fight. Never grabbed this fucking thing before it's supposed to be a prop but I swear to God bear go away right you apologize to the Iron Patriot right now when the fuck did I talk about Facebook he's gonna steal yeah I got all goomba just now. You made his arm twitch, bro. I accept his apology. He's a cool guy. Thank you, bro. Iron Patriot, everybody. Heck yeah.

You be nice to him. Yeah. See, in the bit, I wanted to say something to the girl in the bit, so I tried to think of something to say while I'm in the car. What do you really say? That's what we're asking you. Hey, how you doing? Where you going?

You see how that summons a reaction from people? That's what you want. You want to get those people growling like that on your own when you're talking about this shit. You can do that. Has it worked? Yeah. What kind of car do you have? I got a Nissan Altima.

Oh, that's a fucking miracle. You're picking up fours on few numbers. I've got a Nissan Altima. Oh, that's a fucking miracle. You're picking up fours on four wheels. I love that. Right, exactly. Nissan Altima. He's pulling up next to a girl on a bicycle like, hey, what's up? What are you doing? You want a ride? Throw it in the trunk.

Automatic trunk, thank you very much. On a bike. I thought you were calling his car a four. I love the romantic a bike I thought you were calling his car a four I love the romantic music, is he? I thought you were calling his car a four I never heard cars like rape Like girls, I thought you were saying it was no matter I'm saying the girls

That he's doing from barking out of a Nissan Ultima can't be any higher than a four Couple with down syndrome If you're gonna do it Can they operate motor vehicles? It is be any higher than a four. Couple with Down syndrome. If you're going to do it... Can they operate motor vehicles? A four is just a six with Down syndrome.

If you're going to do it, you have to waste it on a good looking girl. You can't waste it. Because you can write it off. It'll hurt too much if it's a two. If she's fat and starts driving away, then it's like oh fuck, I'm a loser. I drive a Nissan. I drive a Nissan.

I hate my life. Right. Well, there you go. Paul Alia, everybody. There he goes. Paul Alia, one, two, three on Twitter. If you want to tag any of his stuff out there for you listeners of the podcast.

Patriots. Jeez, I get so offended when somebody comes at you, you know what I mean? I'm so defensive of you I feel this frustration it's hard, you gotta move slow with the ladies these days, they don't like you to be too aggressive too quickly you need to take them out to dinner

and buy them some appetizers take them to a movie you gotta be patient you can't just jump right in their pants like that and touch the pouch You know, take it to a movie. You gotta be patient. You can't just jump right in their pants like that and touch the pouch. What? I just got dizzy for a second. You can't just jump in their pants and what?

Touch the pouch. You can't be soothing and good-loving on the pouch. Tony, you know that. Until it's time. You gotta wait. You gotta be patient. A woman likes to know if you're... I love how it's not take a girl out and buy her dinner.

It's take a girl out and buy her appetizers. Like a special occasion or something. Is she allowed to get entrees? You know the whole thing. Buy a flower. Be nice. Last date you went on, Patriot, where'd you take the girl? It's been a long time.

I've been in a dry spell, Tony. I haven't had sex since the summer of 2004. Oh, no. No, Patriot, no. I hate to kill your image of me, but hopefully now that I'm in the Death Squad family, things are going to change for me. Yeah, definitely. Definitely.

I want to know the story of 2004. Yeah, I do too. I do too. I want to know what had to happen in 2004 that went so bad. I didn't tell you about my DJ years. I DJed for seven years. I was at this club called The Sugar Shack and there was a cute bartender girl.

She let me play with her feet while we watched the last episode of Friends. Wait, wait, last episode of what? It was the last episode of Friends. Remember that year? And I took one sock off and then I took the other sock off, and she let me play with her toes. Was she alive when you were doing this to her?

Is this just a corpse that's laying over your lap? And then she let me wear her skin. I'm not ugly, Tony. You make me out to be like a creepy ugly. If you look at my Facebook, I'm a decent looking guy. It's just, I've been here in LA for five years. It's tough to meet someone here. I'm real picky too.

I want the right girl. I know I'm going to find the right person for me. My soulmate. Yeah, you'll find one that suits you. I'm jealous of Redman. I heard him talking that he met a nice girl. Did you go to church or something? Where'd you meet that suits you? I'm jealous of Redman. I heard him talking that he met a nice girl. Did you go to church or something? Where'd you meet that nice girl?

Church. Maybe church is chicken, but not church. Not church. You're better off finding a good girl at a church's chicken than a church. Honestly, you might be good going to church if you want to meet a nice girl. Yeah, but you know I don't believe in God.

I believe we're all God. Just don't pay attention. Look at feet. Look down like you're looking, thinking about Jesus. I feel like there's a tear right now underneath that helmet. Short-circuiting everything. I feel like there's a tear right now underneath that helmet. It's short-circuiting everything.

My glory years were from 86 to 93. That was when I was in Dirty Crammer. Those were my times when I had sex with about 20 different girls. Oh, my God. I'm about to cry. Holy shit. This is awful. Hey, we'll talk after the show. I got a website you can go to.

No, I don't want Tinder. I don't like it. I could have our young producer here, Josh Martin, suck your dick if you'd like. No. Would you guys like to see that right now? Come on, Josh. Come suck his dick.

Come on, Josh. Get in there. Get in there. Just blow it on your chest. Josh. No, I'm not into that kind of stuff. Come on. Patriot, what are you so uncomfortable about?

Come on. I like girls. I like Josh, but not in that way. Come on. He looks like Rhea Perlman. Let him do it. Go, go, Josh. You don't have to.

Josh, you're taking orders from the Patriot now. Get your ass over there and suck his dick. You're crossing the line, Tony. You crossed the line. All right, let's pull another comedian out. This is fucking unbelievable. Hey, that really does suck, though, and I need to help you somehow,

because I can't... I mean, 2004 is a long time. I mean, it is post-9-11, but... And the last time before that was two times in 1997. Oh, my God. This is awful. We need to stop this. We need to stop talking about this. I can't even think about this.

Oh, my God. How many times a day do you masturbate? I've been surviving on porn for a long time. Do you... a day do you masturbate? I've been surviving on porn for a long time. Do you ever just do you ever just Do you ever just lay on your back and put your left hand around your dick and make yourself nervous and fuck your hand like it's a top?

No. No. Puberty came on me very strong, Tony. It hit me in those years, the 13, 14. The first orgasm I had, I ran out naked in the backyard and swang on a tree like a monkey. And I came, the wind made me came. I didn't even touch the wind. I thought something was wrong.

Because all this shit shot out of my banana. the way that I thought something was wrong. Because all this shit shot out of my banana. And then two years later, I did bestiality with my cocker spaniel puppy. What? Wait, what? Get that bear away from here. It's in danger.

I put Hershey chocolate on my banana and the Cocker Spaniel licked it off. Wow. That is a good point. I'm pretty sure we just had the... That's a great point. Somebody shouted, you're not supposed to feed dogs chocolate. They were more concerned about the dog eating chocolate than it sucking its dick.

I just hate that the dog risked his life for that. That was the last thing the dog did. Of all the things, why would it be chocolate? Why would you do that? Everyone knows peanut butter. That's the one thing. I was horny in Texas and I couldn't find a woman. Man, there's some cute hussies in Texas.

Are you talking about actual fucking hussies? You should see how nice and tan their feet are there. Are you talking about the dogs? What are you talking about? Do you like Pauls too? No. I know you're going to think I'm creepy and weird now, but it wasn't that big a deal.

It's not like I tried to fuck the Cocker Spaniels. We're not going to think that. We already think that, Patriot. Cocker Spaniels are adorable, so I see what he's saying. Yeah, and they'll eat anything. I mean, they love it. Alright.

I didn't do it again. It was only one time. It's not like I started doing it on a regular basis. Okay, so now I have to ask. I mean, I already pulled the name out of the bucket for some reason sometime before that. However, I gotta ask a couple more questions.

One, did you finish when the dog was eating the chocolate? I can't remember. That's a yes. Okay, he has a steel trap memory, especially with the Facebook comment, and now he can't remember. Right. You know what I also did?

You know at the car wash, they have those vacuum tubes where you vacuum your car? I put that on my banana and sucked it dry. It was great. I did that about three times. And that would make you finish. You could climax to that. It's great.

It just leaves it. It cleans it up. It just sucks it dry. It just leaves it, it cleans it up, it just sucks it dry, it just and then you leave. Okay. I only did that a few times. I was pretty crazy back then. I'm a lot more normal now. And you started fucking the vacuum. Clean up some breeze, you just dump

the bag after you're done. How many dogs did you go through until you started fucking the vacuum? No, that was just, those were like three things I did a couple times, but nothing besides that. All right, let's keep the show moving along. Good luck to the comedian who has to follow that. Put your hands together for Michelle Westford, everybody.

There's something inside you. All right, guys. Recently, I'm celebrating something. I got engaged. Three years ago yesterday. We're moving on the fast track. So subsequently yesterday, I wrote a letter to Match.com and canceled my membership, right?

Because I know I'm really in now. Match.com, if you guys aren't familiar uh maybe they should i don't know maybe they should uh rename it something more realistic like circus folk.com or the creepiest assholes you ever met.com uh that's the service where you put in your zip code and then they scan the area they do like a 15 mile radius and bring you back every sex offender and broke turd and yeah these are your new matches i went out with the guy dancing dave was his name he insisted we go dancing but to me and everybody else in the club it looked like he was getting electrocuted or playing an imaginary game of highly aggressive tetherball.

That's it. There you go. That's right. She made it in between the kitty and the bear. She nailed it. Great dismount. Yeah. You have great stage presence.

You can hear yourself. You seem very comfortable on stage. How long have you been doing it? Three years. Three years. Cool. And have you really been engaged for three years? I have been engaged for three years.

Yes, I have. So you started comedy right when it... Yeah. One dream dies, another one lives. Exactly. Something like that. Fuck yeah. exactly something like that uh fuck yeah but then you open with being engaged and then you talk about dating is that because you met him on a website or maybe no we met at starbucks in seattle that just got booze from the audience

okay we met on match.com i just i'm on a podcast now and we never told everybody that so In Seattle. That just got boozed from the audience. Okay, we met on Match.com. I'm on a podcast now, and we never told everybody that. Really? You could just not post the link. Okay. No one will know. Yeah.

Yes. Unless you're famous in Seattle, in which case somebody will find it, and they're going to be like, oh, my God, Michelle Westford. You're from Seattle. You don't know me, right? Then I'm not famous. How'd you know he's from Seattle? Because I'm from Seattle. I know all the good comics from Seattle. You're damn right. Boom.

Fahim Anwar, everybody. You know, I love her stuff. You know, she's like a real vet. It sounds like someone's getting sick of their fiance. They're like, you know, I'm starting to move on. Going from Starbucks to Seattle's best, if you know what I'm saying. That's a coffee joke, everybody.

One in a million. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Thank you, ma'am. Fuck yeah. How long have you been in L.A.? A week. Are you staying here? I'm going back home on Wednesday. I came down for a week. Oh, nice.

Did you stand up out there? Yes. In Seattle? Where do you get up? Like the Underground? The Underground. Parlor? Not the Parlor. Laffs. Okay. I love Dave. Dave's great. Tacoma. I'm down in Tacoma. And the different casinos and corporate stuff. Cool. I would give one note.

Ian Edwards actually talks about this too. Ian's such a good writer. Your stage presence is great. You're not nervous up there. You can deliver the material perfectly. And then the jokes, it's like you're scratching the surface, going for the easy.

You can dig a little deeper, you know what I mean? So try to scratch a little more. Totally. That's how you find more. Thank you. You know what I mean? So try to scratch a little more. Totally. That's how you find more. Thank you. Gerard, what do you got? I got nothing, man.

You know, hey, do your thing. Rock and roll. That's like the big, vague, like, do your thing. Yeah, congratulations on the engagement.

Oh, thank you. When's it gonna happen? Maybe next year. Really? We don't have a date yet. What's the going to happen? Maybe next year. Really? We don't have a date yet. What's the point of being engaged? Yeah. You just kind of seal the deal.

It's like super, super dating. Do you feel like a sense of security knowing that you're engaged and not just dating? No, I'm not like that. I mean, I never thought. I never was one of those gals that was like, yeah, I can't wait to get married and have a wedding and do all that type of stuff. I just happened to meet somebody. Are you delaying the wedding or is he? I'm delaying it a little bit. No, my circumstances, my circumstances

and stuff. What's the circumstance? I'm doing comedy in Seattle. I'm trying to make money. I want to be more, you know. You couldn't get married while doing comedy in Seattle? Yeah, I could. I just want to be more successful. Because I feel like doing comedy in Seattle, you still have like a lot of free time. What does he do? He works at a oil refinery. Okay.

Because you can't go up to the next Seattle, right? Because you make it sound like you're supporting him with your comedy. And that's why you're postponing the... No, I'm just waiting until I feel more of an... I'm 33. I want to feel like I'm more successful. In what? Stand-up?

Yeah. All right. Well, you should get the fuck out of Seattle. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Why do you think I got out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Looking for heat

yeah it's not gonna happen there I mean all the greats they get out of there and then you shine somewhere else so you can get married girl right oh I love you guys this was a good therapy session for me let's push back this engagement another 8 years

and come down to LA then you'll get that success you wanted. And then you could go back and get married. He'll be waiting for you. He's a fucking oil refinery guy in Seattle. He's got nothing going on. There she goes. Michelle Westford, everybody. I love you guys. Thank you. She's on Twitter

at Michelle's Comedy. Wow, you actually were able to get that handle, huh? At Michelle's Comedy, the one and the only. Fuck, yeah. How fun. A little Seattle light for you there, Fah Michelle's Comedy, the one and the only. Fuck yeah. How fun. A little Seattle light for you there, Fahim. I wanted to be like, I'm from Seattle, but I kept to myself. You're like the fucking

Dave Chappelle of Seattle. That's how I'm brought on stage. Fuck yeah. Seattle's a great town, right? I love it up there. I could never live there because of the rain and stuff I'm from where I'm from in northeast Ohio we have one more day of clouds than Seattle has

and Seattle has one more day of rain so Seattle has this reputation of being depressing as fuck but statistically where I'm from in northeast Ohio is just as depressing but we don't get the same reputation. Which is really depressing. Exactly. Which bumps us to

the most depressed city. Seriously. Yeah, it's fucking creepy. O-H. I-O. Put your hands together for Kevin Fart, everybody. I've been down the street in my six-ball, jocking the bitches, slapping the hoes I went to.

Guys, I'm getting older. I really want kids. But if I have a daughter and she gets married, I'm not paying for that shit. Isn't that the rule? The father of the bride has to pay for the wedding? I've already given you permission

to bang my daughter for eternity. Isn't that enough punk? Now you want me to pay for it? Can I at least get a discount? Like he should be paying me, you Like, he should be paying me. You know? He should be paying me. Like, seriously, guys. I'm not giving that shit up.

Like, on a loss. It's a ruse what we're doing to these fathers. It's a sham. Like, how about I start sticking it to your mom and make you throw me a party? That's essentially what's going me a party. That's essentially what's going on, folks. It's the same thing. It's going to end. One minute. Right now?

Boom. Holy shit. That's crazy. Either you've been practicing this every day for seven weeks, or you're just a really smart guy. I'm a smart guy. He's a fucking Jedi, right? When he said that, it was exactly like that. Yeah, it was.

I looked, too. It was creepy. It was creepy. I just timed it when I was eating a taco at Paquito Mas. I just did it. There you go. You should have ended on sounding really smart, and then all of a sudden we found out about the taco at Paquito Mas.

Paquito Mas threw everything out the window. It was fucking delicious. we found out about the taco at Paquito Moss. Paquito Moss threw everything out the window. There's something very Pete Christian Hesting about eating a taco at Paquito Moss and knowing exactly how long a minute is. I see that cowboy hat creep up. It's just a light. From where

I'm sitting, there's just like a silhouette of dreadlocks and a cowboy hat way up there. There he is. Cheers to you, buddy. Fuck yeah, man. I love you, P. Christian Hessing. Oh, yeah.

Great material. Yeah, definitely. It seems like you have a take. How long have you been doing stand-up? It's two years next month. Wow. That's great. That's great.

next month. Wow. That's great. A lot of your stuff is like, you know, like just going with it in a sort of a I don't know, like or a lot of your other jokes like not real to you, but

goofy like that? Yeah, well I mean, I went to a wedding and I just thought it was ridiculous, so that's why I wrote it. But yeah, I sort of, I don't talk about myself that much. Right, right, right, right. And I'm curious, like, obviously the way you talk now and the way that you talk on stage are different. Did that come to be from the start or did it evolve into it?

It evolved more into it, but I've always, when I first began, I just sort of went, ugh, like weird. I don't know how it happened, but I didn't do it on purpose. Right. No, that's great because it shines through and it gives you your own sort of take on it sort of like having a voice somewhat figured out already yeah um what was it about again i just blanked well it is pretty funny if you think about it was about you know like the the was about the dad having to buy...

His daughter's getting fucked for the rest of his... That makes a good point. Yeah, it's true. And you have to pay for it. And you have to walk her down the aisle. That would be something I'd add into it. It's like the real fuck you part. And I have to walk her to you?

She's like a dog or something? I don't know. It's like the icing on the there's a better take on that, but definitely going that route after everything, after paying for everything, after all that, you have to literally hand her off. You know? It's like two fighters going down a movie, 300 or whatever, where they're just

walking down and just about to fight, almost. The dad's dropping off his daughter to the tiger. That's going to fuck the shit out of her. Yeah. Yeah. So there's something there. On top of all that.

But that's already all funny. How long have you been doing that joke for? I went to the wedding at the beginning of the summer, so a few months. That's cool. That's a good new bit, man. How long have you been in L.A.? A couple of years.

Where are you originally from? Northern California. Interesting. I've been out? Northern California. Interesting. I did not in Southern California. There you go. What nationality are you? I'm Persian. Oh.

Oh, I see. There's the ID that you guys keep on your arms. As somebody who's Afghan and a comedian, I like that in the minute you didn't address the fact that you're Persian because that's not you know, that's in the minority hey, I have hairy asshole jokes it's just

right you gotta keep those in your back pocket you don't really have to you have to keep your hairy asshole in your back pocket, but not the jokes fuck yeah, those are some really hairy arms man You have to keep your hairy asshole in your back pocket, but not the jokes. Fuck yeah, those are some really hairy arms, man. Have you ever tried to shave them or anything?

No, I got over it. You have to be proud of it now. Well, not too proud of it, but you know. I feel like you just finally faced it a few weeks ago. By the way you say that. You have a lot of chest hair? Let's see it. The biggest guy in the room wants to see your chest hair, sir.

So I'm pretty sure you got it done. Yeah, flash the audience real quick. Oh, yeah. Fuck, yeah. We went from the Iron Patriot to the Iron Sheik in a heartbeat. Oh, Jesus. All right.

That's too close. Don't shave. It's 3DHD coming from Redman over here. It's 4K, man. Fuck yeah. There you go. Kevin Fard. He's at Kevin Fard on Twitter.

That's Kevin F-A-R-D. This is fun, right? You get to see some comedians. You get to see what's going on in the world. It's almost like a... Because you forget about those years. Yeah, totally. Well, you do.

You do stand-up for a long time. Like, we're in our own class or whatever. Like, after you've been doing it for a while. I'm not saying class. I'm like level. When you've been doing it like 11 years or whatever, you forget when you've been doing comedy for a year or two or what it's like.

So this is interesting because it's not often we get to associate with people who are at Mike's still. Totally. totally but meanwhile when we go out to dinner sometimes late night or whatever we'll end up talking about those years you know what i mean yeah and but reminiscing but then seeing it's a different thing oh yeah exactly totally but it's something part of our lives like gerard you and i definitely were hitting open mics together for the longest time. 2007, 2008. Yeah, yeah. Doing downstairs. Getting rides from people to places.

I didn't have a car for a long time. Me neither. And I remember you and I were two of, well, I mean, I guess there was quite a few of us. It always seemed like the funniest people didn't have cars. That's true. A lot of walking around.

And the funnier that, and the less funny that somebody would be would be based on how nice their car was. It almost seemed at the time. It was like, if you pulled up in a 7 Series, it's just like, yeah, it's just, oh, this guy's a hack. But somebody rolls up on a bicycle, you're like, this motherfucker's a killer. Yeah. Yeah. Because it does, man.

Yeah. Yeah. Because it does, man. You have to have a fucking passion in your spinal cord to be bicycling across 90 degree fucking heat across a city. Who did we just see that rides this bike from Burbank? Oh, it's the new manager, I do believe, here. Yeah, yeah. That's crazy.

He's the guy that drives to Burbank. He's just passionate about managing. Oh, shit. to Burbank. He's just passionate about managing. I did that a couple times, though. When I first moved here, I didn't have a car and I lived in Burbank. I remember the first time, especially, was I was thinking that Cahuenga Pass, it seems

like there's no elevation. It almost seems like it'd be a smooth ride. I almost fucking died a couple times. I mean, almost getting hit by cars. But the worst part was going down because it was forever, by the way. It's like an hour and a half uphill. Which side did you ride down on? Facing traffic?

Yeah, you have to. You have to, right? Well, no, no. I went the other way with traffic. Yeah, because if I went against traffic, and thank God I did, by the way, because I would have gotten hit head on because your brakes mean nothing when you're going that. You're just riding

your brakes the entire time and you're still going like 30, 40 miles an hour. It's embarrassing. But you live and you learn. I survived it. You know why? Because God loves me and he wants me to succeed. Yes. But you live and you learn. I survived it. You know why? Because God loves me and he wants me to succeed. Your next comedian's name is Aaron Marsh, everybody. Thank you, guys. So you may notice right off the bat that I have a lot of tattoos, right?

And you'll see that they're really nerdy. They're like Star Wars and Stay Puft. And so, yeah, exactly. The women laugh. I got them to try to impress the women, and it turns out I only impressed a bunch of really introverted men in their 30s. Like, that's what I ended up with. I know.

It wasn't exactly as planned. I'll show you guys this one. This is Malcolm X, guys. Here, I'll let you guys see that. Yeah. Yeah, we call that a mistake. I should have put Malcolm in the middle, really. See?

And then white people look at me when I show them that and they're like, that doesn't look like Denzel Washington at all. I know. But he taught me a couple really valuable lessons. He taught me no pork, no white women, and no pork and white women. That's my minute, I believe, right, guys? All right, thank you.

Yep, exactly 59 seconds. You guys? All right, thank you. Yep. Exactly 59 seconds. You guys are getting freaky at this. I love the fact that you learned so much from Malcolm X. And you're like, you know what Malcolm would love? If a white dude tattooed his face on his face. Yeah, exactly. He can take that. I actually believe that two weeks before he died, Malcolm would have loved it.

The rest of Malcolm would have just hated it. No, he would have hated it the whole time. He would have hated it the whole time? Why do you have that tattoo? What happened? What was the bet that you lost? It wasn't a bet. It was just the early 20s. I fucking read the book.

1920s? What are you talking about? No, my early 20s. Shit, talk about being a vampire more. Yeah, exactly. No, no, it was like 1999 when I was like fucking, I was in my early 20s and I read the book and it really got to me. And I like, I fucking loved Malcolm X.

And so I fucking did it. I was like, fuck this. I want to be more disciplined and I want to be Muslim. No, that's not what it is. Where were you raised? Tucson, Arizona. What's your relationship with your dad like? It's alright.

Yeah, wow. That was a really high tone you got to on that one. It's alright. It's really good. It's all okay. Let me ask you this final question It's Ritza. My obity, obity, obity, obity, obity, obity, obity. Really good. It's all okay. Hi. Let me ask you this final question for my psychology test. What does he do for work?

He's an engineer for Raytheon. I used to be an engineer at Boeing. What kind of engineering? No clue. All right. Good relationship you have. Yeah, exactly. No clue is the name of this undercover

operation. This is like Fahim, this is your life. This is like people that identify with you. I'm from Seattle. He has a Malcolm X tattoo and one of Fahim on the other breast.

When I say breast, you know what I'm talking about. Anyway. You know I have a poem published about Martin Luther King in a book? Huh? I didn't see that coming. Can I tell you legitimately? Me too.

That's crazy. Wait, you do? Oh, you have one published in a book? That's what you said. When I was a child, I wrote this poem, and the teacher sent it to somebody, and they put it in this book, and they published it. It was such an awesome book. Do you remember what it is?

Same story. Was it the same book? That'd be crazy. Do you have a copy of it? My mom? I'm pretty sure our accidental racist, the Iron Patriot, is puking in his helmet right now. It sounded like you were vomiting the word nigger.

Patriot, what do you think about him having a tattoo of Malcolm X? That's a good one. I almost had sex two years ago. Well, there you have it. Listen, I massaged this girl's feet and I helped her move in for a whole week. I worked my ass off, I brought my truck. And you know what I learned after that? If a girl isn't attracted to you, it doesn't matter if you fly her to the moon. She is not going to get down with you.

All right. Well, you say that like you flew her to the moon. I moved her in for a whole week. It was hard-ass work. It was way up into a place in the hills. It was that girl, Jennifer Corbin, that was on that series Lingerie on Cinemax. Jesus Christ. Whoa. Throw names out. Listen, let me tell you. Hills, it was that girl Jennifer Corbin that was on that series Lingerie on Cinemax. Jesus Christ.

Throw names out. Listen, let me tell you. She was one of the Seafood Review in Dirty Crabber. That's how I know her. What's the Seafood Review? The Dirty Crabber dancers back in Dallas. She wants to bring her daughter and her daughter's too young. She wants to dance with me once I get this song

going again. Share my banana. We'll have something arranged. Share My Banana. I feel like he's just he just keeps promoting himself. Like every hit counts for this video called Share My Banana out there on YouTube. Should have brought tequila that last day of helping her move, man.

It probably would have changed everything. I don't know what happened, brother, but it just didn't materialize. Yeah, did you ever have a drink with a girl? Did you ever try to do it? Well, I got stoned with her, but that didn't work good. Like what was that Kill Tony? We were talking about that where Red Band said you don't want to.

Oh, that was Kill Tony 6 when the rock climber that was trying to impress the girl. Oh, yeah, I remember that. Aaron Marsh, everybody. Put your hands together for Aaron. Aaron Marsh. That's Aaron is 5ft2. Aaron Marsh, everybody. Put your hands together for Aaron. Aaron Marsh. That's AaronIs5FT2. AaronIs5FT2, abbreviated foot. AaronIs5FT2 with two A's in the Aaron on Twitter.

At AaronIs5FT2. If you want to tweet him any tags to his tattoo thing. Malcolm X. That's interesting. See, what I was getting at with the Phoenix and dad thing was I was wondering if the dad was a racist and he got the tattoo to disappoint

his dad. White chicks will bang black eyes. You know what I mean? And get a tattoo of Jamal's pussy above their vagina and be like, hey dad, look at my new tattoo. And the dad's just like, what the fuck? You know.

Our friend Angelo had a really racist father. And he used to put the television on BET and hide the remote. That is so Angelo. Fucking wildebeest of a monster of the funniest guy ever.

Yeah. Well, this is the part of the show where we have our two regulars come up. Thanks to all the comedians who signed up who didn't get up. Keep coming back. Hopefully you'll get on next week or something like that. You guys are always awesome.

It's exciting to get a lot of new people up tonight, and I'm always happy about that. But this regular part of the show, we have two lovely young ladies that have been doing a new 60 Seconds each week since the show's inception 15 weeks ago. This is episode 15 in a row. And so here they are again, going one at a time. Starting with, as always, she was on episode one because she was the only

female in the entire room at the time when this thing was just getting kick-started. She's here for you again. Put your hands together for the one and only Sarah Mostajabi. We on that shop, alright? I got it. You won't.

I got it. So I't, you won't. So I don't know if you guys know, but every time you sneeze, it stimulates your nerves equivalent to one-tenth of an orgasm. So I've learned how to masturbate with pepper. I spent an hour at a strip club last week because I don't know which way my dick swings, and I guess having money pisses me off. So I think the man show had, like, a lasting effect on my sexuality. I've got... It sucks.

I'm not good at talking to girls. I don't know how to fucking tell a girl that I'm into it. I've got the game of, like, a 13-year-old Jewish boy. It doesn't fucking work out. I accidentally told this girl she was really hot and she gave me a free lemonade so you could say it's going well. Which that wasn't

fucking true. Alright. Okay. Awesome. Sarah Mostijabi everyone. You guys have any initial thoughts? They have lemonade at strip clubs? No, they don't. Oh, this was a separate time.

That was a different thing. Okay, cool. I connected it all to strip clubs. Take the journey with me. Yeah. Yeah, you're definitely jumping from a... Jesus. No, there is something there about...

There's some good jokes in there, first of all. Thanks. I like the pepper thing. I see what you're getting at with the lemonade thing. But the reason why, and I'm with you on this, Gerard, the reason why it seems a little mishmash is because your segues into a new thing are coming across as you're talking about the same subject,

but you're not. You're sort of jumping around. There was the part about orgasming, and then it was into something else, and then it's into something else, but it doesn't seem clear. We're assuming that you're sort of staying in the pocket, but you're sort of doing one-liners without super clear segues, which is fine because you're doing 60 seconds, and you're trying to do new things. But it's not clear when one thing ends and when another thing starts. So be aware of that because a setup is always just as important as a punchline. With the pepper thing, I think that it's sort of tag-worthy.

I think that that's a good premise to stay in the pocket in with something. If pepper makes you sneeze, then... I mean, if sneezing makes you orgasm I mean, when I sneeze ten times like three times in a row, I'm like, oh, fuck yeah Jesus It's so, I love sneezing you guys, I'm like really

Maybe a negative being you're spending twice as much money on Kleenexes Right Twice as much money on Kleenexes, but you're saving. Or as much money as a man. But you're saving. Wait, what? Guys, you know, jack off.

What did you say? Just repeat it. I don't know how jacking off works. I'm sorry. So wait, what was the joke again? We don't know what you're talking about. What? What did you say with a man or whatever?

I didn't hear it. Oh, Kleenexes. You said buy more Kleenexes. And I said, or spending as much on Kleenexes as a guy. Right, right. Yeah. Yeah, that's a different thing altogether. But you could say that, you know, you save money because you're off your allergy medications.

You know, in this fantasy world where sneezing is giving you an orgasm and you're talking about how you do it, I would get more into it. What else would you do if sneezing really gave you an orgasm? Hang out with just fucking cats. There you go. That guy just yelled feathers. So now I go to PetSmart just to blow a load. You know what I mean? Yeah, perfect.

I carry a hamster in my pocket or something. Right. All of a sudden, looking at a cat in a pet store is like one of those fucking striptease things in the red light district. Yeah. You know what I mean? Jerk-off booth.

Yeah, it's like a jerk-off booth at a pet store. Yeah, that's something. This is more the tag it part. And then almost sneezing could be like blue balls for you or whatever. Right. Like three, I get to, I've sneezed up to like six times and I was like so angry and disappointed. I was like, come on, give me a little more. I know, it's, I'm.

And the lemonade thing, you're talking about it being a little girl, right? A little kid? No. Okay, so then I didn't even get it. I thought I got it, and I didn't get it either. What I said is that... And if Gerard and I don't get it, then nobody's getting it, by the way. What I said was that, and I accidentally told this girl she was really hot.

I didn't mean... I was saying it was hot outside, but she took it like I said you're fucking hot. Gotcha, gotcha. And it was a little awkward, but I did get a free lemonade. So it went well. Gotcha. I like it. You know, good work.

You guys have anything else for her? Sarah Mostajabi, everybody. Knocking it out. A few more jokes. Adding on to the big thing. One of these episodes we're going to talk about having her and Kimberly do a longer set one show. So we'll figure that out. Something maybe around the holiday season or something. Sarah Dresses

on Twitter. Yes. Follow her on Twitter as always. I know a lot of you already are. Her and Comic Patriot have huge fans and they always reach out. It's so great. As does this young lady, our other super regular. Put your hands together for her every week week something new and fun

she quit college to stay here and keep chasing her dream of doing stand up she was completely built out of this room put your hands together for the one and only

Kimberly Congdon what's up today was a good day guys it was a good day I stepped on the scale and and I lost three pounds. Thanks. Yeah, it's exciting. I'm on this new diet.

It's called Comic. Yeah, it's going really well. You're guaranteed to lose at least three pounds and a lot of pride. So I'm hungry all the time. That means I'm going on a lot of dates. Yeah. I mean, I just want what every other girl wants. Affection, attention, allowance.

I'm just a 7 who thinks she's a 10 who's looking for a 9 who thinks he's a 3. How the fuck I mean what have we created here? A monster. Leggero Silverman Handler look the fuck out because it's Kimberly Congdon

and she's coming. How old are you? 22. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like two and a half months. Suck my dick, everybody. Un-fucking-believable. You're killing it.

Good job. Everything comes across so naturally. It's probably the best performance by anyone all night, by the way. It just came across as comfortable and everything's funny. And I just love what you're doing. You guys, hit it.

What do you think about Kimberly? I legitimately like you. Really, really good. Thank you, I like you. I have to add the word legit because I'm nice to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Plus sometimes we think that

people think that it's a misdirect coming for like a big joke at the end like i like you but yeah yeah no no for real yeah for real really really it was like a warmth thank you there is there's an adorable adorability about you that uh if you back it with jokes it's just like thunder and lightning yeah yeah like you're pretty comfortable for how little you know you've been doing it and then the structure's there too and i think you're gonna be you're gonna be more comfortable the more you do it yeah yeah and you've been going up as much as you can yeah awesome kimberly congan everybody killing it what can i say what can i say our little baby monster ending with an applause break. The only person to say,

not to say, that's my time. She ended in an applause break. What a great way to end the show. You guys have anything you want to promote to our many, many fun, awesome listeners? Shows coming up or Twitter handles? Fahim Anwar. That's my Twitter.

Website, FahimAnwar.com. F-A-H-I-M-A-N-W-A-R yeah like it's always spelled yep look Pete look let me tell you something I'm from the Midwest in Ohio

you don't know how to spell Fahim yeah I learned that I learned that out here yeah just my sketch group GoatFaceComedy.com that's about it yeah

awesome Gerard I got nothing man I love it yeah but no this was great. That's about it. Awesome. Gerard? I got nothing, man. I love it. Yeah, but no, this was great. Thank you so much for having me. Oh, Gerard, I mean, such a pleasure to have you guys. Absolutely.

Two of the, I said on the patio earlier, I go, you guys, you know, I give a little announcement sometimes about the guests and I go, these are the two funniest guys, the funniest young guys that I know. So it can only be a win-win signing up. And I was so happy to have you guys. So thank you so much. Yeah, thanks for having us. The Comic Patriot, as always.

He's the Iron Patriot. But on Twitter, he's the Comic Patriot. Huge episode for you, my friend. You were fucking hilarious. Catch Red Band and I in Phoenix on September 26th. And then the following day in Columbus, Ohio on the 27th, go to DeadSquad.tv. Yes, please go to Columbus on the 27th and join me at the Ohio State game on the 28th versus Wisconsin, a night game.

Holy shit. And the new shirt. Yes. J.R. Steiner. September 30th after Red Band and Tony come to Phoenix to perform. We're releasing a new shirt that night for the people that come. But September 30th will be the Golden Pony t-shirt. Yes, the new Golden Pony

t-shirt is coming via J.R. Steiner. Thank you so much to the Death Squatters for coming out. Thank you for the listeners. Thank you. Good night. Stay tuned for the Ding Dong Show with Don Barris. A change with the girls in the change room And when they finally made her They saw Earthmark's soul come

They rocked Thank you. you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you