KILL TONY - KILL TONY #150

Episode Date: April 18, 2016

Morgan Murphy, Sam Tripoli, Josh Martin, Jeremiah Watkins, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 04/04/2016 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. Don't forget to go to DeathSquad.tv for everything Death Squad, including tour dates. Click on tour dates and you'll find all the different shows that we do, including Kill Tony, every Monday at the Comedy Store. Every Tuesday we have the Roast Battle, which is the verbal violence podcast. Every first and third Friday we are in Pasadena at the ice house doing the death squad comedy show there and May 22nd we're bringing kill Tony on the road to Nashville, Tennessee That's right. We're gonna get Zany's comedy club Sunday, May 22nd. That's that's coming up guys. It's a part of a comedy festival We're doing a live show.

It's at 5.30 p.m., which is a Sunday, May 22nd. Kill Tony Live Nashville. Also, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for all the other tour dates that Tony does and all his merch and all his stuff. TonyHinchcliffe.com. Don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Just search the iTunes store for Kill Tony. Hit subscribe and rate and review the show.

And if you want to subscribe to everything we do here at Death Squad, just subscribe to the Death Squad podcast on iTunes. There we have just everything, including Kill Tony, including Verbal Violence, including what Brian Redbottom do, which is my podcast. And so don't forget, you can just do that. Subscribe to Death Squad. Also, go to Death Squad.

Also go to Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist that we've been having on all our shows who draws every episode. But right now he has a limited edition Kill Tony movie poster. You can get it by going to ryanjebelt.com And shopsquad.tv

is the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe, including we have a pre-order for a new hat, a silver hat, and a remix of the original Pill shirt. So check it out. It's on pre-order right now at ShopSquad.TV. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Rick and I'm coming to you live from the most famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, volume 3.

Give it up for Tony and Mitch Clarence. Hey, how are you, buddy? Hi, welcome to another fun episode of Kill Tony. We are the number one live podcast in the world, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, I'm a fan. That's a real great time. Hey, guys. We are enjoying a delicious glass

of Mangria man cocktail from Adam Carolla's company. How delicious it is. I absolutely love it. It's actually really good. Yeah, I know.

It's like sangria, but it's like twice the amount of alcohol it is like a bottle of wine. Because you're a man. I like Grand Gria. Whoa. It's like sangria, but it's like twice the amount of alcohol than like a bottle of wine. Because you're a man. I like grandgria. Whoa. It's like grandma man-gria.

And it's just fruit juice. Jeremiah Watkins. Reagan and Watkins. The in-house band, as always. A lot of fun stuff happening with you guys. We love working with you. Big news! Jeremiah Watkins, one half of Reagan and Watkins, announced today that he is getting married, ladies and gentlemen!

Sorry ladies! And it's not just Pat Reagan! Pat was very disappointed. So was your fleshlight version of Jeremiah. Yeah, both of them. Woah! Cheating on one fleshlight with the other. You ever fuck a saxophone? Of course. You ever make it a sex-a-thon? You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Oh, already failing to the circle character. We got Jamie Vernon on the HD camera in the back, everybody. Everybody's new favorite, Ryan J. Ebelts, everyone. He draws every episode live. Right now, it's a planche by the paper. By the end, you're going to see

tonight's episode, the high-detail drawing. Make sure you track him down after the show on the patio and make sure he shows it to you. That's Ryan J. Ebelts, the house artist. Also the creator of the new Kill Tony poster that people are buying all around the world.

We just had a shipment to North Korea. We have a fan in North Korea. So that's the type of, it's good to be part of the internet. Kim Jong-un launches Kill Tony. Yeah. He's our number one fan. Thank you. Anyway, give him a real hand. Yeah, real hand over there. Thank you. Anyway, tonight's a new news. Tony Higgins has leveled up. That's a hot one out there today.

Be careful, everyone. So, congratulations on getting married, Jeremiah. That's very exciting. You guys are the best. You're engaged, right? You're just married. Yeah, yeah, it's gonna be a long engagement. You could stretch that out for another ten years if you want. Yeah, that's one, yeah.

Can I ask why the fuck you guys are dressed like that? Is this like where they're revamping White Men Can't Jump and you guys have the same audition today? We're just trying to be more castable, Tony. It always works well when you nervously squeeze your water bottle while singing. Oh, they didn't need a job. Oh, somebody love me in this town! There you go, Pat Reagan. There they are. So, you guys know it, you love it, you're here.

You guys ready to meet tonight's guests or what? It is so weird being two of the funniest human beings on the planet on this show. This week's definitely no different. Two of the best at this show, two of my favorite comedians, two of the funniest human beings on the planet on this show. This week's definitely no different. Two of the best at this show, two of my favorite comedians, two of my favorite human beings. Put your hands together for the great Morgan Murphy and Sam Tripoli. Oh, yeah. Boom. Yeah. How are you?

Tripoli and Murphy. Murphy and Trifoli. I'm excited about this. Sounds like a great law firm. Yeah. Shady law firm for sure, right? Shady law firm. Yeah.

An Armenian and Irish taking over law. Welcome back to the show, guys. What do you think about the new band? So you got rid of the fucking robot guy? Yeah, that was like a year and a half ago. That's just another fucking dude out on Hollywood Boulevard trying to make a dollar. What do you think about Jeremiah getting married? Listen, I don't approve of but... You know what? Congratulations. I will give you... You know what? I'll get you a gift at ten years in.

Ten years in, I'm gonna buy you a wedding gift. Thanks for the faith, bro. I always feel sort of grateful that I don't play an instrument, because I definitely, within a year of comedy, would have become a musical comedian. Because I would have been like, I forgot to write today, but I can play this. Well, that's their entire world. We never write. We're songwriters.

People will be singing our songs for decades to come. That is a prophecy. You are artists and comedians. Yes, you are. How did the sax survive? Over the years, like... It's a beautiful lady. You think women would stop fucking guys who play sax, right?

And that eventually it would just die off. Well, trust me, he's getting married, so they are about to stop fucking people. You just died off. Well trust me, he's getting married so they are about to stop fucking people. Oh I know this one. It's the one song you know on saxophone. Congrats on getting married. Congrats buddy. I'm happy for you.

You're the hardest working dude I know. Jeremiah Watkins is everywhere. He is like the Where's Waldo of comedy. You just gotta find him on every poster. He's everywhere. You hustle dude. Thanks man, I try. You do, you really do.

And he's with us here tonight. Are you guys ready to party or what? Here we go. Over 50 comedians coming to sign up for the chance to do Kill Tony tonight, get pulled, and do 60 seconds on stage and then talk to our guests about everything that we saw.

Comedians, you get 60 seconds. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Alright, that means wrap it up then or else you're gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood Bear. There we go. I know him. Is that a bear on top or a bottom? That's a top bear.

Depends on the height. That's a top bear? You had brunch with the bear? I had brunch with that bear, yeah. I went to eat well. You guys ready to get this party started or what? We're going to the bucket. 60 seconds of uninterrupted time. Come on, you guys could be better than that. Are you ready to start the fucking show right. There's so many things that's coming off of Blackfell, Blackfuckface. I actually know this young lady. Very, very funny, rising comedian. Put your hands together for Christine Medrano, everybody. Jesus!

Hey, everyone. I just... this is really exciting for me, I just started dating a DJ, this is exciting just because I've never been cheated on before. But he does have like the body of like an Adonis, of like an Oath Adonis. But he did, on our second date he did bring me flowers and he was like, listen, I don't have a lot of money, I just wanted to show you that I care. And I was like, oh my god. You don't have to spend money on me to show me that you care. If you want to show me that you care, just let me go through your phone. The key to my heart is the passcode to your phone. Trying to get my grandma into House of Cards. You were watching season one, House of Cards, and there was that one scene where Kevin Spacey goes down to Cape Mara.

My grandma turned to me and she was like, what is he doing to her? And I was like, oh my god, no one has ever gone down on my grandma. If anyone deserves it, it's that woman. She's had ten kids. Someone please go down on my grandma. Oh my god. Someone please go down on my ground floor! Boo!

Christine, we're calling you. We're calling you. Christine, we're calling you. We're calling you. Hello. Hello. How's it going? Good.

How long have you been in stand-up? I guess like four-ish years? Four-ish years? How's it going for you? Four-ish years? Four-ish years, yeah. Four-ish years. Four-ish years. Um, it's alright.

It's fine. Um, let me get this right. You're Latina, right? What are you? I'm half Filipino and I guess my mom's from like, Guyana. So you're other? I'm other. You're other?

You're Latina? I mean, you're other? You're a're other, you're Latina, I mean you're other, you're a woman, and you can write really good jokes. Why are you on this fucking show right now? You should be given Red Band advice on how to write funny jokes. You're really fucking funny, man. I was very, you are, I mean just for me you're one of the best I've seen. Everyone's done really well But you were excellent. One of my favorite parts of your performance was actually, you know, sometimes when you're up here the guests forget to Move the microphone away from their mouth when they laugh and then then you gave a really you know

He did anybody which will be Sam that you laugh like a clown horn? Is that not me? Sorry, he's got this like uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. This is very powerful. The podcast listeners with the Bose headphones are going to really love that. There it is. It's a bike horn. Sam, stop laughing.

Well, that's fun, Christine. How are you surviving? What's that like? You're four years in. Everybody knows around here that you're a very funny comedian. How am I surviving? My job? Yeah. I have a shitty day job.

Yeah, what's that? I work at Google and YouTube. That's a shitty job? It's just like his office work. Now you're an asshole. It's just like whatever. No, a shitty job is roofing. Okay, that's a shitty job.

I did like a 10-year-old lot of like I had the valet for Persians. That's a shitty fucking job. I had the valet for the executive. Oh's a shitty fucking job. I have a valet for the angels. Oh, you have? I get it. Oh, you parked the cars?

No, I validate. Oh, okay. Oh, my God. Talk about the hard years. What is that like? Have you, um, how many older, more successful male comedians have you blown and then they stopped talking to you zero actually

I was much farther along I thought you were fantastic oh she's the best well that's fun for Steve don't blow your heroes that's right that should be a't blow your heroes. That's right! That should be a t-shirt. That is such great advice.

Don't blow your heroes. That's funny, it's like the young ladies when they ask me about comedy, you know, don't blow your heroes, you'll be fine. You know, write for an hour a day, and keep your heroes' dicks out your mouth. Have you been like opening on the road for anyone? Doing any cool gigs lately? I mean, I just have like a cool like house show and I've recorded, but no, I've not been.

I like went on the road once and it was like a shitty tour with like three other comics. When you say house show. Who's the headliner? There was no headliner. That's probably why it was shitty. Yeah, exactly. Where was that at?

We went up the coast to like, I don't know, Oregon. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, we did like a few days with some trans people. What nationality were the other two girls? They were dudes. I was the only girl on it, and they were like all Asian. And it was like this guy's theme was like, yeah, we're gonna have an Asian tour, you should come.

And I was like, alright. So you're Filipino? Filipino half, yeah. When are you working karaoke into your act? Not yet. I'm going to have to work on it. Did it have like an Asian name? Like, was it like Comedy Invasion? Yeah.

And then Asian Invasion was folded or something. Like Goop Fried Rice or some shit like that? Yeah, very clever name like that. Have you ever seen Asian? They just go completely racist on their... What is it? What? Almost Asian? Almost Asian? No.

Waka waka. Hey. Waka waka. Waka the waka. Oh, shit. So that's good. They're not any more efficient than the actual names of shows. Waka the Waka. Waka the Waka. Oh shit. So that's gotta be funny. They're not any more offensive than the actual names of Chunchit.

Yeah. Oh totally. I mean, you know. Asians make theirs the most racist. Yeah. Like slanted eye comedy. That was one thing. The improv at one time. The Improv at one time.

The Mr. Rice guy. Yeah. Then there's that Napalm Death. Yeah, okie dokie. Christine, it was so nice to meet you. Thanks for going, Keltoni. There she is. Christine McDonough. I want to talk to you after the show.

Getting some good advice from Morgan Murphy. Don't blow your heroes. I wish somebody would have told me that. Skins on Twitter. Chrissy Metz. She's Chrissy Metz. Yes, Pat Reagan. She said that she was dating a DJ

and I wanted to ask her. I didn't have a chance to. When she met the DJ, do you think her heart skipped a beat? Good thing you didn't get a chance to ask her that. I don't know. Let's go back to the subject. Ha ha!

Wacka, wacka, wacka! Oh, you know what? I love this. I always love the people that don't have Twitter handles. That's always a sign of fun to come. Put your hands together for Stevie T. I was pushed, I was afraid. I always kept smiling.

I kept thinking I could know nowhere Without you by my side But then I spent so many months with you it's necessary to go to your favorite restaurants in total battle ready attire I mean like I I get it like you may have just come from fucking Fallujah right now but there's not a battle against chicken nuggets in the fucking back right now there's not one girl saying oh does that guy have a frag grenade there might be I mean I understand some girls really like a guy in uniform, but I mean, that wouldn't work for every fucking profession. Like, my friend's a pizza guy,

but I wouldn't see him going after work in his attire like, shit, asking a girl, hey, baby, you want me to stuff your crust? Going for a pizza joke, I don't know. I just felt like you guys looked like a Pizza Hut audience. My girlfriend, uh, applause for her. There you go. Really milked that applause drink that you got for a while. Silent applause.

22. Fuck yeah, that's when I started. That's how old I was when I started. I mean, it takes a real set of balls to be a 22 year old that dresses like a 55 year old New York gangster. I don't know what is going on here, Stevie T. Stevie T! Oh Stevie T! What's up? I didn't do an Italian joke this time, not one. Just a pizza joke. Yeah, you didn't do any jokes this time on the last TVT. I thought it was still on my mind.

Oh, and then your head bounces off that ball. Josh keeps lowering that ball every week just to drive us a little crazy. So, Stevie T, let's talk about it. Maybe going after the military, right, from the... Maybe isn't the best thing no i was actually going over my head if i went up right now what am i gonna say right you're like fuck the military fuck our heroes fuck people that fight for us why can't they change the bathroom at the airport. I love what the guys do.

They absolutely fight for us. Don't get me wrong. I mean, my dad's in the military. Yeah. Well, you're sloppy as fuck. So they're kind of doing something. My whole thing is like, why open with that kind of ass-kissing kind of thing?

You know, I love the military because now we know what's coming and half the point of a joke is surprise, you know? And now we see that you're going to go on and shit on them. Why not just go? If you really believe it, say it and go for it instead of, like, send it up because it just, to use an Italian term,

kneecaps your whole fucking joke and it just kind of took off. And the audience thought you were vicious. And it made the joke a lot better. Yeah. And that's something that I told Tony a long time ago. It's like, you gotta cut the fat, man. You got way too much fat in that joke.

It's clearly laundry day. Maybe he put his jokes in the wash, too. Steven T, how often do you go with the open softball jerseys? You got the Italian horn. I mean, you are dressed like you are straight out of a Bronx tail right there. I wore this because I spilled something on the back of my shirt while I was cooking. Oh, a little bit of blood. Now you saw us?

Take your shirt off, let's see what you looked up without the shirt. Do it, do it, Do it. Works much better. You're like a fat guy who walks around in fupa. We know you're not working out or doing anything. Just go normal, dude. You're getting sensitive. I can tell you're getting really sensitive. I think you have, I think if you fucking work at trimming the fucking fat of the stuffed crust pizza of your fucking jokes

and you cut them down, you have some good premises. There's some funny stuff there. I mean, there's definitely something there, but yeah, yeah, you just gotta get right into it. You gotta go, uh, look, I love the military, but why are they going to rest? You shouldn't be allowed to go to your restaurants, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then fucking flip it. You gotta dig deep.

I mean, obviously, we're talking about the first thing that you thought of and you sat down to write about it instead of like, you know, I don't know, do you think that the people that are fighting wars over in Iraq are dressed like fucking, you know, Foot Locker employees or something like that? You know what I mean? You have to dig into it, flip it around, and fucking figure out if it's funny, because I don't know.

I mean, dude, you've got great stage presence already for 22, which is half the battle right there. Now you've just got to cut down. It's like too much. You've just got to make your jokes laser fine to what you're trying to say. I don't know. You know, you're kind of all over the place how long have you been on stand up?

on and off about a year when you're off what are you doing? I was doing bartending and I actually just ended up quitting doing that I was just getting enough hours you wrote that military joke and you're like, fuck this job. I don't need this job.

I have a feeling you were just coked out of your skull when you wrote that. You and Jimmy Bats were sitting in the back and fucking Tommy Fingers came in with an eight ball

and you guys just gacked out. You just started writing it. I think you've got to do less off, more on, and just do it, because you're really funny. And, you know, I hate to say it, stereotypes work in this town. And, you know, I think there's something there for sure, dude. What kind of military is your dad in? Old Navy. And, like, you seem like a sloppy guy.

What's your living situation? Yeah, you seem like, it seems like not sloppy guy. What's your living situation? Yeah! Yeah, you seem like, it seems like not only do you not make your bed, you seem like the kind of guy that gets out of bed and goes to the bathroom with your blankets still around you. And you just drop out on the bathroom floor. No, it's totally not the time. I just don't feel the need to get dressed up to go to the fucking Kill Tony show. Hey, no!

Hey, you're like, one. So I was like, oh. Oh. Oh. Have you ever gotten Have you ever gotten bitch slapped by a guy wearing a harmonica before? Dude. You gotta eat your dick now.

You gotta eat your dick now. We've been practicing a lot. Stopomp and slap here at Kill Tony. We're big supporters of the Diaz brothers. 209. So be very careful, Stevie C. Where you from, Stevie? Relax, buddy. Relax. It's all okay. Stevie is fucking dying right now. He wants to bat everybody. You're born and raised in LA? Yeah.

Oh, I wouldn't have taken you as an East Coast kid who's an older brother and lets you hang out with the gangsters. What's your first language? Sloppy Sicilian Italian. Brian keeps throwing in this Godfather theme so you guys don't laugh at it. So will you guys do it real quick? I just love it. He's just so angry.

He's biting his lip right now. Stevie, well, I mean, is there anything you want to say to us? Is there something that you want to say to us? I mean, I'm not sure if you want to say anything, but I'm just curious. I'm just curious. I'm just curious. I'm just curious. I'm just curious.

I'm just curious. I'm just curious. I'm just curious. I'm just curious. I'm just curious. I'm just curious. I'm just curious. I just love he's just so angry he's biting his lip right now Stevie well I mean is there anything you want to say to us is there something that you feel like came across wrong or anything you want to say came across wrong

reimagine everything before this imagine it was all funny everybody real quick so the camera's here this is getting shot worldwide. 50 people signed up for this. And you're like, why do I got to dress up for Kill Tony?

You don't know who's the fuck in the audience. I'm going to put that girl that just came up here, I'm going to put her in this thing I'm pitching to Comedy Central. You don't know who's fucking watching. You got to fucking bring it, dudes. You got to bring it. I like you, I like you. I can dudes. You gotta bring it. I like you. I like you.

I like you. You're coming from a guy with holes in his fucking sweatshirt, you know? But the point is, like, your attitude's like, why do I give a fucking shit? You can't have that, dude. You're in a fucking pool of sharks, dog. Everybody here is a fucking shark.

And if you're no fucking fool going all the time, you're going to be doing coke in the valley at fucking, like, Olive Garden, okay? You're going to fucking do it, dude. And the fact is, you're going to have to dress up for this. You can never do that again, dude.

You're going to come bald all the time, dude. You never know who's in the crowd. Stevie, don't quit. This is gonna make you strong, baby. Stevie T, everybody. Very good. There's a lot of people in the back right now taking off their baseball jerseys.

Like, fuck this. Sam Tripoli is like a coked up Tony Robbins I know I know I know I know I know I know

I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know

I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know

I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know

I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know

I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know

I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know

I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know

I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know

I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know

I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know

I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know

I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know

I know I know I know I know I know I know Fuck yeah, we are off and running. What's there to love about this show? The DNA is always different. You have no idea what's gonna happen. Sammy the Coke down the door. This looks like another new name. Put your hands together for Kirk Bonacci. Hey guys, my name's Kirk. I just moved here from Florida. Yep, cool. I moved to North Hollywood.

That was new for me because I moved next to a store. Never seen one of these stores before in my life. It's a store that sold solely pinatas. Holy shit, guys. Like, I love pinatas. They're like the highlight of any occasion. If I were to walk on stage tonight with a pinata, they'd all be like, Yo, shit's about to go down. Right?

So what if that one guy takes a piñata way too seriously? He's always swinging, everyone's getting out of the way, you can't stop him. He's got a stick, it's impossible. Last single day of my, I went to a piñata party, because I'm an adult, and that guy was there, and somebody brought their baby. Now apparently, apparently, the baby got hit. I say apparently, I didn't see what happened until I was blindfolded.

And I was blind. Buck baby's good candy, Snoop Dogg, West Side, come on, Dad. Thank you. I've been doing stand-up for about six years, which means I've been single for about six years. Fuck yeah. All right, cool, thank you about six years, which means I've been single for about six years. Wow! Fuck yeah. Alright, cool. Thank you.

Six years, where have you been going for? Not a way though. How long have you been in LA? A couple months. How much do you hang out? Tony, I never thought I'd ever meet somebody with a smaller boy body than you, but I've been... I took off my baseball jersey so I look better. It's a smaller version of you.

That's what I looked like when I was a baby. Hey guys, can we give Graham a hand for coming up here? He never got a hand after his start. Oh, really? That's good. Thank you, of course. So Kirk, is that true? You've been single for six years?

Pretty much. I had a girl for about six months for a bit, and that's about it. Been growing great. How long ago was that? Two years ago. Can you only date anorexic women? Um... Like two fucking bags of fucking...

Deer antlers fucking? It's hard! When his pocket, like, makes fire, it's really weird. It sticks around. Kirk, it's like a squiffy sort of a thing to where I could see how maybe a body like that would make a woman feel a little insecure. Has that ever happened? Are you coming from experience? No, I mean, yes.

I mean, well, if you saw me with my shirt off, Sam, I promise you'd be pretty fucking shocked at what's going on. Do it! Do it! Thanks a lot, man. The only guy I know in the audience starts this fucking chat. Thank you, J.R. Steiner. T-shirt maker of Tony Hitchcock and Josh Martin. Well, you know, Morgan's not feeling well. Maybe a little man heat might warm her up. You know what I'm saying?

Take your shirt off. No? Okay. I would protect you. So, Kurt, has that ever been an issue in the bedroom with you? warmer up you know I'm saying take a shirt off with no okay I think women only have sexy because they're jealous of my body what's that body I like the piñata joke I was thinking at the end you could say like the baby got hit or something and the baby did get hit because I looked on the ground and there was candy pouring out of him. Yes. That's correct. What if anything you hit with a piñata stick, candy came out of it? I'd just be whacking people.

So, Kurt, is this true? Did you really go to a piñata party? Is that a real thing? Yeah, if who doesn't, yeah. I actually have a birthday party like next week and they're having a piñata. Next week? Yeah. Wow, so this joke might go to a whole other level. It might become true soon. Like that's one of those things. What is this, Quantum Leap? You came from the future, wrote that joke, and now you're here performing? That's why I'm here pretty much, yeah.

How do you make a living, Kirk? Um, well, right now, uh, sports betting, mostly. Wow. I'm not proud of it, though. I'm not proud of it. What's been some good picks for you lately? Um, Holly Holm over Ronda Rousey. Oh, snap. And then last night, Orlando City over Portland Rivers.

What about Major League Soccer? Yeah, man. No one bets. The odds are phenomenal on it all the time. This might be a good time for an intervention. I've won a little golf money myself. Kind of. It's versus the risk card.

But you did the best I could. Right. Would you take Syracuse tomorrow in the women's final game? I mean, do you think... Yeah, they have to be such an honor. I mean, the odds are probably phenomenal on it. I gotta see the spread. Maybe. We gotta see what they're gonna... I thought your jokes were funny. I thought you had a couple lines in there

that needed to be trimmed out that ruined the rhythm of the joke. But it's a funny premise, and I think you've got good joke structure. Just got to pull out a couple lines, and I like it. And it's original. And you should use her tag,

because that's pretty funny, too. Morgan, any advice for Kirk on anything other than don't blow your heroes? Shouldn't he blow his heroes? That's pretty funny. Yeah. I like that he can do things. Morgan, any advice for Kirk on anything? Other than don't blow your heroes. Shouldn't we blow his heroes? Are you anybody's hero? I mean, no one's blown me yet. What would be a good fun fact if there was a book about Kirk Bonacci in it?

What would be a fun, fun fact in it? What's something about you that's interesting? I was a European child star. I don't know if that's interesting? I was a European child star. I don't know if that's really quite the music, uh, for two European child stars. Yeah, you're exactly where your child star's from. I don't know. I was on two Disney Channel shows in Italy.

Called Game On and The Avatars. Oh, The Avatars. Oh, The Avatars! That was my favorite show between the two books and me. So what character were you? The goofy best friend in both of them. Were you like 25 when you played the character? I was 22 and 23 playing a 16. Can you give us one of your most famous lines from that?

First one that you think of? Uh, weak sauce. That was a catchphrase. Oh, weak sauce! Our Swedish council loves it. Right now the guy in North Korea is going crazy. Did you get like, do you get like, puss from that? That was my six-month relationship while I was in Europe.

Wow, like a ten-year-old? Or 11-year-old? Yeah, like a ten-year-old. I was like, I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym.

I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym. Did you get like, do you get like, puss from that? That was my six-month relationship while I was in Europe. Wow, like a ten-year-old? Yeah. You just keep calling in a different country.

I fell in Madrid. So I lived in Madrid for about a year. So it was Spain. What? So the music sort of fell apart. Of course, I know this. You did not know this. How many of your fans' moms did you hook up with?

Oh, uh... None of them, unfortunately. All my fans are like eight years old. What's the problem with that? They're moms! They're moms! Have you gotten laid since that one? Since the Avatar? Yeah. That's on David. Prove it! Prove it! Are you on like gay websites and stuff?

Yeah, I'm on the majority of them. Have you put a broad first inside a Freud line? What's your favorite one and why? Um... What's your favorite dating app or website? Currently I really like Happn. What is that? See, I don't know any of these. It's like when you cross paths with people, they just tell you and then you stalk them.

They tell you where you guys crossed, you just like stay on the corner of that street and wait for them to walk past again forever. You know how there's no dating app where you talk to people in person and you're like, will you go out with me? It's crazy. Yeah, we moved up from that European part about two and a half minutes ago, guys. You know what? We gotta go. We gotta go. What are we gonna do without you guys? We have an entire computer here. We have another live podcast for you. We gotta go. We're using all the things that they wrote this week. All of them.

Wow, we just lost Reagan and Washington, guys. Was this my fault? Was this my fault? I can't believe that this happened. You should use your tagline right there. What is it? Weep sauce. Anything else for Kirk? Life advice? Anything?

Do you not believe in pushups? What's the thing? Even me, even me. I remember specifically, and we're joking about it, but it is true. I was a vegan for five years, and I lost all this fucking weight, and then I got busy with work,

and I started being a lazy vegan, so my body just started eating any muscle that I did have. And then, like, four or five months ago, I stopped and started eating like a human and fucking working out and shit. So I just wonder, like, what's your... My regimen is I'll usually wake up, like, literally I'll get high and go back to sleep, and then wake up and then go do college.

Oh, so you live life like a cancer patient. Damn straight. There he goes, Kirk Bonacci. Just like your effective Kirk B. Perfect Kirk B. Brian has now pulled out his band app, Apple Music, to replace Reagan and Watkins. So, if you're wondering... They really walked off. Yeah, there's no way they're coming back, too.

I mean, I've worked with these guys for years, and if there's one thing I know about them, they're definitely not coming back. So, this will be interesting. I mean, Jeremiah literally left the door open. That's a very rare maneuver. Even when people have stormed out of this show, they always slam that door behind them. So, I don't know, just a little something to keep an eye on later. I'm not part of whatever joke is happening, by the way.

All right. I basically appreciate that. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Ian Reyes. Wait a second, wait a second, roll out of the way. Ian Reyes in for, wait. Hey, what's up everybody? What's up? Hey, my name is Tom. Can you hear me? What's up, guys?

What's your name? My name is Marco Gringo. And I've got a spot open on my band. Yeah, there is. Oh, nice. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. What's your name? My name is Marple Gringo. And there's a spot open on the band? Yeah, there is.

Oh, nice, nice. I mean, normally, it's a Diabolical show. I wouldn't let someone just run in from nowhere and replace those guys, but since the job that they do is so simple and easy, it's so, I mean, it's just home run derby for them. Every week, because they're always set up

in a position to win. Is this the Mexican version of Black Saints, by the way? Okay, oh, I know. So, I'm gonna bring up the next comedian, is that cool? Is there anybody else joining you? Is there anybody else? I see some shadows over there. Alright, I'm gonna bring up the next comedian then.

Put your hands together for Ian Russo, everyone. Alright. I've been doing a lot of thinking recently. I kind of want to get one of those baby on board signs for my car. Just to drive the point home that I'm no longer a virgin. When you really think about it, sex is like improv. Even when it's good, you're still wondering, why are you watching other people do it? Yeah.

I may be new in town, but I'm so LA. Even my pants are sag. All right, I'm done. I love you. I love you. I think you're fucking amazing, by the way. How long have you been in stand-up? Two years.

All right. Well, let me tell you something. You have the kind of power and style of a six-month comic, so congratulations. Well, there's something very... You have a thing that is always weird, and people sometimes hear it, and they wonder what the fuck I'm talking about. But you have really good timing. You have nothing material-wise. I was like, oh, this is good. I blinked. It's lingering. There's going to be a punchline. It's just going to happen.

Your reaction, your funniest parts are not your punchlines, not your setups, but literally in between the two. I wouldn't even call it a segue. You were disgusted with how what the first joke went. That sound effect, keep that. Yeah. Just when you just gave up on life like that, that was when I related to you the most. It's amazing it feels that way to you. Yeah, it's just going way better than it should.

Wow, you have great set-ups. You're the first person to cry happy tears on the show, Ian. You have awesome set-ups. You pull everybody in. We're waiting for this amazing payoff. And then you completely shit the bed. And it's just... No, I'm kidding. But it's like, you have great premises. You just have to figure out a punchline that fits the amazing premise that you've presented.

I think your setups are awesome. Thank you. You just have no clue what a punchline is. But you have everything else. You have the energy, the look. You have a great look. I'm like, this guy can do commercials. And you have great shots.

You're just missing maybe some might say the most important part. Let's try and figure it out. Let's try a little experiment here, Ian. What are you trying to say with your baby on board thing? Why would you want baby on board sign? Why is it? To drive the point home that I'm no longer a virgin. But why would you have to do that?

Because we had sex. We had a baby. And then the baby's on board. What? You were a virgin? Yeah. You didn't have sex at all? The sitcom life is my favorite sound effect of all time. But you haven't been laid more than once or twice. Yeah.

Can you go over both hands when you count how many times you've been late? I'm just wondering. Yeah. I plead the fifth. Okay. You had sex with five people in Cinco,

I'll give you that. Hey, I like that set, but I was like, I think you should have more yolks about a lucha dog. Did you say more yolks? More yolks, yeah.

I'm curious what, like what drove you into more yokes? More yokes, yeah. I'm curious what drove you into stand-up? Like where were you in your life when you were like Probably a Suzuki. I asked a serious question. What drove you to stand up? Back in New York I was an economics major. I met somebody who hosted Open Mic in Brooklyn and I went, got super hammered and I found myself just falling into the circuit. How long were you drunk for?

You got so drunk that you had to do it with the circuit. A two year blackout, huh? I'm still a bender right now. Is that true? You a heavy drinker? Not really anymore, ever since I... I started driving back into New York to funds moving out here. Driving?

Yeah, for Uber. Uh huh. Yeah. That's funny. Now I'm not driving for Uber or Lyft anymore. York to like funds moving out here like driving yeah for yeah like that like now I'm not driving for Uber or Lyft. How many stars do you have? Oh almost like a 4.7 is my average. Ian tell us something else where are you trying to meet women at? If it's going so bad for you, tell us. Let's figure out where we're going wrong here.

Can I tell you one thing? This might be embarrassing. Your zipper's down. Ian, where are you standing? First ever zipper down on a... It's an actual episode of Zip Tone. And ring to the camera, too. Fuck.

But yeah, it's, I haven't really... It's weird, I've given up on OkCupid, but I've been invited to be a moderator. Those who can't, moderate. Is that true? You had so little action on OkCupid that even they're like, hey man, you want to pick up a shift here? I'd like to welcome the new studio audience that we brought in to replace who we had originally in the belly room. I just haven't been trying. I've been focusing on surviving. I'm a background actor. How long have you been here? Six months.

Yeah, you're doing fine. First year in LA is just all about beating the fucking self worth out of you. That's really what it's all about. It's about killing your ego down and if you make it through the first year then it starts to kind of rise up. But it's really all about just kicking your dick in the dirt the first year. Whatever collateral you think you had coming from New York or Seattle or San Francisco means nothing. You come here and it's just like beat you down with a stick all you have to do is stay afloat and that's best if you're on the proper path

props for showing up and doing this I would not have had the guts six months in to do something like this she would not have had the guts to come up here with your jokes and do it this time she would have worked harder and performed better. It's Ian. No, me. Me. Ian. Ian, shut up. Ian, shut up. Wait, the gringo wants to say something. Our new light-skinned Mexican correspondent. Ian, I'm half Mexican. What's up? Ian, I'd like to give you props for doing that.

Oh, what are the props? Comedy props for the 30-something people in the room that didn't like it. Thank you so much for stopping everything to do that. Okay, so Ian, it was nice to meet you. Oh, no, that's not it. I'm very weird about shaking guys' hands whose zippers were down when they got caught on stage. Do you have any comedy friends? In LA? Yeah, I have a bunch. Sit down and ask them to come up with different punchlines because the premises are great.

Thank you, appreciate it. No problem. Gordon, anything else for Ian? Ian Russo is on Twitter at Ian Taco. I know I'm not talking enough, but sometimes it's hard for me to think of nice, constructive things to say to people. I'd rather whisper mean things into your ear than have you say them. Luchador, what's your character's name again? El Guapo Gringo. El Guapo Gringo. El Guapo Gringo. Did the character come before the prop, or did the prop come before the character?

I'm curious. There is no character. I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, no. Oh, he's talking it. Did you steal that from a Salvation Army, that keyboard, or did you just buy it? This keyboard I got from a TV show. Is there going to be anybody else joining you?

Oh no, no, that fool Jeremiah left, and then Pat Reagan left with him, I love him by the way. And then I came back and I was like, shit man, I put my name in the bucket, so I don't know if I'll get called, but hopefully not, because now I got this button, I like it. I like that, well, let's keep it going.

What is it again? Groucho Gringo? Guapo Gringo. Oh, let's keep it going. What is it again? Groucho Gringo. Guapo Gringo. Oh, Guapo Gringo. All right. Put your hands together for your next comedian. I don't know. This looks like a... All right. Let's try it.

Alex Oliveira. All right. We're talking about money, not just about money. We've been fucking here together for hours just for money. Come on! Yeah, fellas! Hello everybody. Like a lot of people, I'm good and bad with money.

I don't buy things off TV. Not because I'm good, just because I'm only marginally more lazy than I am interested in having a blanket with sleeves. It's a, but not to be denied, they've created the As Seen on TV store, which caters to that unique market of people who have an immediate need for gratification, a bad habit with red wine on very white couches, and poor credit. And I can't help but wonder if there's somebody, you know, like I like to do my homework when I'm good about buying things. I like to do my homework and really research a price. Because I hate it. I mean, everybody hates that, paying too much. And I wonder if there's a guy

who's, you know, been chopping onions like a fucking idiot with a knife or something, and he immediately connects with an infomercial, and gets on the phone and does the whole thing, gets halfway through the commercial, he's finished his order, and he's like, thanks a lot, and then lo and behold, he gets to the part where he's saying, and if you order now, you get two,

and he's like, no, fuck, no, shit, and she's like, no, fuck you, get one, asshole. Be lazy, save money. Fuck, fuck. That's the way it is. Come on asshole, be lazy, save money. Fuck yeah, that's hilarious. Come on everyone, come on. Give a round of applause. Thank you for leaving whatever concert you were at

to come here tonight, like your style. What's the risk there? I'm literally working at a gig, I'm not gonna tell you, but I work on production. They still think I'm there right now. Oh! Had you not called me up here, I would not going to tell you, but I work on production. They still think I'm there right now. Had you not called me up here, I would have got blacklisted. I mean, like, bail and get the fuck over here. They think I'm at work right now.

You know who used to do that? Sebastian Mascalco. He was a waiter at a hotel here. He would take his lunch break, run over here, do stand-up in his waiter's outfit, then jump back in his car and go back and wait tables at his job. I remember all that. Yeah, I really, I was taking a chance here that no one would notice me, and I just got

tagged the... Yeah, totally. Oh. Alright, let's do this quicker. We're gonna have to get to Engelbert. How long have you been doing comedy? This is Kill Tony history. I mean, I...

You just watched my whole career. This is the first time you've done it? Yep. You? Wow. Nice. history out of you guys. This is the first time you've done it? Yep. You have like, in that you have a couple of really interesting ideas and like, I feel like

Economy Awards might be your friend right now, like you've we went a lot of places around an idea, but maybe just tighten up. Is stand-up something you've always wanted to do? Yeah. And how old are you?

35. How long have you been working on production? 35. Wait, what do you think he's saying? 35. 35? 35? Yeah.

Is that actually right? He said he was trying to remember his words. 35. When you were up there? He was trying to remember his words. Like when you were up there, were you trying to remember your words? That's what it seemed like. Guapo, you haven't even had that much comedic experience. You know, I was just falling back in my years of experience being in my first time at all. Yeah, I'm talking about the fucking words. Ah, sh-

No. My apologies. Oh, my God! Even the guy- My apologies. I want to hit him! I don't want to hit him! Even the guy... My apologies. You're whipped with that mask. It'll be the first glory hole.

You know you've lost at I.I.T.S. when they side with the racist guy. Yeah. This is the greatest moment and the worst moment. You're like, you dreamed of doing this and you're about to get fired. It's like this weird kind of moment. It worst moment. You're like, you dreamed of doing this, and you're about to get fired. It's like this weird kind of moment. It really is. All the karma, right? It's like, should I do comedy? Well, you must now, because you have no job.

You know, my biggest thing for you is that this premise is great. I would take it if I was you, and I would put it on a shelf. And in like five years, you could master this a little bit more. You could go and deliver this with a little more conviction conviction because you're trying to do I think it's a complicated

premise that you're just trying to do right off the gate it's like T-Bomb you're not trying to hit T, you're hitting Roger Clemens trying to hit like 90 miles an hour so I'm hoping to start with 5 year jokes so let's just, instead of talking about stand-up because that's pointless at this point with you

let's just talk about your life. What's some interesting stuff about you? What are you? Canadian, from Toronto. Those who are taking the real fucking jobs, guys, these fucking goddamn shit- What job is he fucking doing? He's taking the writing jobs.

Everybody's worried about this guy's cousins. What's this motherfucker? And shiny white happy people come and take our fucking jobs. You got the wrong direction. Walker, come on in. I listen to the show and I always think what I would tell you because everybody stands up here and they go, Oh, did you stay up and watch fucking Netflix? I don't know, Portuguese guy. I went to jail once. For what?

I didn't pay a seatbelt ticket. That put my license into suspension. And you can't just say, oh, he got me with a suspend thing and take your fine. Nah, you gotta show up to court. I learned that the hard way. Because if you don't,

they give you two weeks in maximum security prison. You did. I did. And that's not what you talked about when you were like, I didn't know what you were talking about. You could be out in a minute.

The minute's the hardest part. Just saying you went to jail is fun- no offense- funnier than the other things you said. Can I just be honest? Just say you went to jail. Fair question. Tell us about the- But look, it's Canadian maximum jail. So that's like time out here.

I think this thing is very bad. Yeah. I'm not going to lie to you. Yeah. And just a top tip. If you watch a lot of TV and have no contact with the penal system like I did, and you think, oh, I'll just fake being crazy

and they'll put me in that hospital ward thing. That does not exist. What there is is solitary confinement. And you get that for the first three days if you're stupid enough to figure it out. You gotta write about that. You gotta talk about that. Did you do that? Yeah, I did that. So you did solitary for three days.

Sure fucking did. And that's the best minute that you came up with. How many times have you tried to suck your own dick? In life or in your life? In solitary confinement. I'll be honest with you, it is a little hard to get a hard-on your first time in jail. You're a little anxious. Like, it's a tough experience.

Wapo, your mic's on. You keep signaling. He went out, but he's back on now. Okay. All right. Thank God. Alex, more. Jail, what else?

Oh, shit. How did it go compared to how you thought it was gonna go? I thought it was gonna go really badly and it just went bad. How certain are you

that you're about to get fired? How concerned am I? How certain are you? Coin toss? Pretty good chance. Yeah, coin. Well, I mean,

the production's out of Canada so they're probably gonna send me home. They need me for this thing. So I'm in for this one. And people forget, so maybe I'll get off. Yeah. I could kink-tick you.

You're Canadian, so you just have to go back and apologize 15 times. You say, sorry, I've done it a few times. Do you know what happens when you mess with my hair? Sorry? Do you know what happens when you mess with my hair? Do you stand out in front of me? Maximum security. Ready to go?

Well, Alex, congratulations on popping your cherry. That takes a lot of balls to scrape work for going. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm insecure. Ready to go? Well Alex, congratulations on popping your cherry.

That takes a lot of balls to scrape work for doing. First person in the first time you missed it. On the job, left work to pop his cherry doing comedy. He gets the Sebastian Maniscalco award. That's true. Sebastian's the man though. And Alex is on Twitter at AlexOliveIra. One more time for Alex, everyone.

That was his first time doing a fan-page. Here it is, go through your next comedian, Gary Curtis. Because he's black, he played that. But you can save it for Gary Curtis. I got a sister two years younger than me. Not too impressive. And I feel like all siblings who are close in age have a lot of different personalities. I feel like I'm the only one who's not. I feel like I'm the only one who's not. I feel like I'm the only one who's not. I feel like I'm the only one who's not. I feel like I'm the only one who's not.

I feel like I'm the only one who's not. I feel like I'm the only one who's not. I feel like I'm the only one who's not. I feel like I'm the only one who's not. I feel like I'm the only one who's not. I feel like I'm the only one who's not. I feel like I'm the only one who's not. I feel like I'm the only one who's not.

I feel like I'm the only one who's not. I feel like I'm the only one who's not. I feel like I'm the only one who's not. I feel like I'm the only one who's not. I feel like I'm the only one who's not. I feel like I'm the only one who's not. I feel like I'm the only one who's not. I feel like I'm the only one who's not. I feel like I'm the only one who's not. I feel like I'm the only one who's not. I got a sister two years younger than me. Not too impressive. And I feel like all siblings who are close in age have some type of sibling rivalry. I just feel like mine is weird because I feel like my younger sister is trying to be a better man than me.

So when we were younger, at first she got better grades, and then she got better at mowing the lawn, and then she got better at basketball. This shit is weird, but I'm still cool. But then we got older and that shit don't matter anymore. And like, first she got a good job straight out of college. But then she started paying for her own cable. A month ago she got engaged to a beautiful woman before I did. I took a step back and I was like, damn, this bitch is one hell of a man.

So now I feel like I gotta get my girl pregnant just to prove a point. I was sitting down the other day and I had this thought. I was like, I wonder how many black dudes book trips to Thailand and then get mad as hell when they get there. Wow, Perry Curtis, that's it. That's how you do it, Gary Curtis. Oh, pardon me. Oh, it's so hard. Oh, Gary Curtis. Thunder and fucking lightning. Gary Curtis.

This isn't the first time you've killed on this show. You've been on a couple times, right? Yeah, I've been on a couple times. Fucking cool, man. How long have you been couple times, right? Yeah, I've been on a couple times. Fucking cool, man. How long have you been on stand-up? Like two years. All here in L.A.? Yeah. Smart jokes, man.

Yeah, really fun. Oh, my God. Go back to your daughters, man. Huh? Thighland. Thighland. Killer. It's so fun.

Oh, Guapo. The mic's going out again. Guapo, I don't know if you've ever heard of this thing called Double Talk on podcasts, but when you just mumble continuously into the mic, the listeners of the podcast end up hearing the host and the guests and everybody throughout the entire show. You know, they hear me be funny. But wait, don't look at me.

Nice and gay and under the same soundtrack. Gay, very. So your sister, like, stupid. I was going to ask if she was looking to me like a nice luchador. Well, one luchador opens, another one closes. That's what they say. See what happens when we take turns telling lines? How come everybody in that area goes crazy on this show?

It really is insane. I'm pretty sure Jeremiah laughed. I can't believe you guys wouldn't at least just tell me, like, hey, Jeremiah has to leave halfway through. I didn't see you before the show. I mean, Pat didn't see you before the show. So how did he signal to Pat, do you think, Guapo, if you had to guess since you're not Pat,

how did he signal to Pat that he had to leave at some point? We've talked about it. We have said, I mean, Pat and Jeremiah talked about it. They were like, okay, have we did the show? Jeremiah has to leave. And then so like, we're gonna say, oh, we have to, Pat and Jeremiah have to go do another live podcast. And that was the joke.

And then we're gonna walk off, laugh, laugh, laugh, yoke, yoke, yoke. And then, probably gonna come back. Then Guapo Gringo walk off, laugh, laugh, laugh, yoke, yoke, yoke. And then, I was gonna come back. Then, the Waffle Gringo was like, yeah, I got these. He was? Boom. Oh, yeah. Makes sense, yeah. Now I got it.

Gary, what do you do for work? I work in finance at Tom's. Tom's? Tom's Shoes? Tom's Shoes, yeah. Nice. You're sexy. We have a guy wearing Tom's shoes right here, J.R. Steiner. Look at that, he just took it off.

He's gonna hand it to him because he's... They need to take it because he wears it. Why don't you wear socks, Jay? Don't you wear socks with these? He's from Phoenix, Arizona. They don't wear socks. They're also not black. Put it away, Jay.

Put it away. Jesus Christ. Everything I've ever seen in my life has been black. I've never seen anything black. I've never seen anything black. I've never seen anything black. I've never seen anything black. I've never seen anything black.

I've never seen anything black. I've never seen anything black. I've never seen anything black. I've never seen anything black. I've never seen anything black. Jay? Don't you wear socks with these shoes? He's from Phoenix, Arizona. They don't wear socks. Well, they're also not black. Put it away, Jay. Put it away. Do you ever think about how much more money you could make if they didn't send those other shoes to people and just sold regular shoes? Yeah, that was part of you every time you see it. You should pitch that to your boss. Be like, you know what, if we stop giving away all this free shit, we could have more money. Yeah, I think people would be really happy.

Is it really like a hippie place over there? Like it seems like it'd be like that Whole Foods type of vibe, you know what I mean? Definitely. Whole Foods is around the corner, so that's the whole vibe. Yeah. Alright, so. Hey, hey. What?

The batteries on this keyboard are dying and I just thought everyone should hear because it sounds really cool. It's trippy. Check it out. It's pretty cool, huh? Alright. It's trippy, like it tripped my mind. I think it's the LSD, Al Guapo. There was no sound that came out of that. I know, the battery died. Oh, did you shoot it? What's going on, El Guapo?

No, for real, I usually make a really trippy, dying sound, and it's like, I gotta record that, put it on an experimental music album. Well, I know, actually, well, Pat Reagan's an experimental music guy. Hey, Gary Curtis is a comedian. Oh, okay. So what else is going on in, like, Gary? I mean, you're killing here. We're not gonna, I mean, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help you.

So is there anything you want to talk about? Do you ever retire people from the show? Like, you've done it. You've done it. No, they want to come work out a different minute. I mean, there's a, you know, a definite unsaid and sort of said rule that you don't repeat a minute on this show, so, I mean, somebody that has an hour can sign up 60 times and fucking get up and kill 60 times In front of a hundred thousand plus downloads and the tens and tens in this room

You could do Ice House next Friday if you're available There you go, 20 the Amazon. Gary Curtis, everybody. Thank you for watching. You ever made a gig on a live show, like Gary Curtis just did, he's on Twitter at G.Curt. C.S.D. So there he is. See the type of magic that can happen? I just felt 35 comedians get so depressed because they haven't done that in so long. God damn, if I was up there, I could have done that.

It would have been my night time. Still can't be. Who knows what can happen? Oh, shit. This guy has not signed up in a very long time. He's one of the original guys that sort of did retire from the show because he got so big that he got hired here at the comedy store and has

literally taken everything over by storm. So many paid regulars talking about him regularly because he's a fucking monster. One of the best. Guy with a lot of buzz right now. Put your hands together for the great Fang Chao. It's time to all sit down. It's time to all sit down. It's time to all sit down. It's time to all sit down. It's time to all sit down. It's time to all sit down. It's time to all sit down.

It's time to all sit down. It's time to all sit down. If I was a regular, if I was an Asian and you just walked up, we wouldn't know. If you know anything about the Chinese, if you've ever ordered their food? You know it always takes a few minutes longer than every other kind. What do you think Joshie? What's happening here? Uh, we can do one of the girls now and then do a fake child after. Josh! Dirty dog! Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together.

What's happening Brad? Say something. He's headed toward the stairs. Okay, very good. How about this? Put your fucking hands together for the one, the only, one of the baddest rising talents in the world. The great, Fang Chao. He said you saw him running towards the stairs and then what happened? Okay, let Fang Chao know that he is up next. We're going to put Fang Chao up last. Let him know that he's going up at 9.35. He went into a tunnel to practice Kung Fu.

Okay, here we go. Put your hands together for Daniel Balchion. So my parents are from Ukraine. My mom is gorgeous. Beautiful. My dad is a stud. Who do I blame for this? Chernobyl. Yeah, so my parents don't really understand my comedy.

Especially my dad. Like, I could be wrong, but he came up to me the other day and he goes, Danny, yeah, you're not funny. Oh, thanks, Dad. I feel way better about myself. Okay. But Russian comedy? Hilarious. So good. Russian comedy. Like, Dad, what are you pointing at? What is this, Russia? No, no, no. Not funny. But Russian comedy! So funny.

Like, alright, dad, give me an example. White chicken crossroad. Why? He didn't. I shot him! Wait, wait, wait. Why Ukrainian game, man? I shot this chicken! Come on! Alright, looks? I shot this chicken. Come on.

All right, thanks a lot, guys. Fuck yeah. You got the exact variety. Same thing, same thing, same thing. That's a great set. I love that you're talking about yourself. That's great self-deprecation right from the top with Chernobyl. It's the classic, you know, I learned it from you.

I always quote you on this show, and we've already covered it once tonight, but trimming just the extra words. For example, it's like, you know, my dad doesn't think I'm funny. He's always like, you know, you don't even need to say that. You need to just go, my dad's always like, you're not funny. And instead of going, oh man, that sort of hurts that. It just goes, my dad goes, you're not, my dad always says, you're not funny. Russian comedy's funny. And then boom. And then instead of doing the Russian comedy's funny part. Right. You don't need to get your back and forth with them.

Because my dad's like, you're not funny. You know what's funny? Russian comedy. And then you get in, and then you don't do the first chicken joke. It goes straight to, why did the Croatian chicken? Yeah. I wouldn't do the chicken joke only because I've heard that premise before. And not that anything's original.

You know, it just, I've heard like crazy ethnic dad tell somebody not funny and then use a chicken you should use there's another stock joke that you could use that I think down the line wouldn't cause people go ahead and do that fucking joke like you made two guys walk in bar I shoot them you know I'm saying like something along the lines of that that would just be a different kind of take on it that Tom the lie I think would be would be a little better it's like when you body slam a lucha dork you never just like dance around the lucha dork and be like hello hello ha ha ha I'm gonna body slam you you just do it

but your jokes are great they're funny your premises are great. They're funny. Your premises are great. Again, it's like coming down a couple lines here and there. But I liked it, dude. I thought it was funny. I mean, Yakov Smirnoff is the last great, like, what's the contrary? That's the last guy, right? I mean, we had any?

No, that's it. He's named after masturbation and vodka? Yeah. Daniel, you do have this look that says, like, you know, I watch a lot of crazy videos and stuff, and it's a lot of guys like you just sucker punching people. And I know this guy on BarCam, and it's just everybody looks like you. You know, every time a guy walks up to the stage, all I think is, like, he might have a gun, and I'm right here. Yeah. That's every guy who's on the show. Russians don't even use guns. They use fucking like, snow swords and shit. And he was like, every Russian video from live leaks,

he really did, like, every time there's somebody crashing a car, or punching Santa Claus in Russia. Yeah. The dude from Grand Theft Auto, right? Oh, shit. Daniel, what's the shadiest thing you've ever done? First thing you just thought of, you're like, I'm not gonna do that.

Come on. I'm pretty clean. What is it, then? If you're a pretty clean guy, then what is the shadiest thing you ever did? Your homework? What is it? How clean are you? I don't really do my homework. That's pretty much it. Tell us something about you. I was born here do my homework. Alright, that's pretty much it. Tell us something about you.

I was born here in Los Angeles. You look like every guy in Trainspotting. Daniel, watch. Let me ask the luchador this question. What's the shadiest thing you've ever done? I fucked a trainee hooker at Western and 3rd. Wow. And the reason why that's shady is because he means literally at Western and 3rd. Like, in the middle of the intercepts. That part's very important. Or else he just would have said, fuck the tranny.

He did it in the middle of a fucking... Western and 3rd, even though they run parallel with each other... It's a family... I mean, even though they run parallel with each other. It's a family... It's a family... Local reference to the 100,000 people downloading this right now. 100,000 people parallel with each other? Yeah, and I know... Yeah, they do.

No, they don't. They don't, but... So he's right, you're wrong. Well, I know. I was making what we call in comedy a killer joke. And it worked what we would call, very well. And, uh, so, you know, it's all part of this crazy thing. Apparently Tony just passed himself on Kill Tony, so...

There's no getting past here. You can only pass Tony. I could hear some of the... Alright, it's too late now, Daniel. I'm done with you. Uh... There's no... I honestly know it sounds great. There's no rushing comics. I think you should mind the fuck out of now, Daniel. I'm done with you. Honestly, I know it sounds great. There's no rushing comics. I think you should mind the fuck out of that, dude.

Mind the fuck out of that, dude. Dive into all that stuff, because that is an untapped market. Work it out. You should be rushing from one open mic to the next. Gordon, stop. Dude, we're Americans. Who gives a It's not going to be in the radio. It's not the same thing. Dude, we're Americans.

Who gives a fuck? All right? Just do the jokes. Why do you get weird in here? Daniel Walsh and everybody. There he goes. Good stuff, dude. Good stuff.

All right. We're going to try to... You know what? Yeah. Let's do this. We're going to go to our regulars. Your first regular going up tonight. You know her, you love her from Kill Tony. Put your hands together for the great Melissa Esslinger, everybody. I'm very soothing with my legs right now. So my cat, I found out she likes anal.

I took her to the vet, she's sick. Excuse me, I'm talking. I took her to the vet, they took her temperature and she flinched and then she purred. She is purring. I wish that I liked anal because life has been fucking me. I don't know. Really bad. In a matter of 72 hours I lost my job, my car broke down, and my air mattress started leaking. Yeah, it's a painful laugh.

Got home after like this shitty day and I like lay down and I'm like finally just asleep. It's not quite as effective when I'm shaking. Um, yeah. Fuck, fuck. Yeah, so I'm eating bologna sandwiches. There you go. There you go. Melissa, that was great. Great set.

I love the way that you handled the rare challenge by El Guapo, who, since it's his first time working with the show, he must have not known not to interrupt or react directly. No CFO to the cast of Cruelty of Donnie. I didn't understand. But that was a great set. What was that for Melissa Essling? Melissa, I just want to tell you. I really wanted to ask you the same question.

When I saw you the first time, it's fucking night and day. It was so much better than before. You're still nervous as fuck. I could just see your hands shaking. And it's just like, you just gotta keep doing it more and more to get over that. But once you get that, your jokes are so much better than they were before. You really worked hard and it's really great to watch.

Thank you. And instead of the mattress thing falling, you should say, I lost my jack card, worked hard, and I found out my cat loves animals. You know what I'm saying? It's a little problematic. But it did so much better than the last time I saw you. So keep working hard. You're doing great.

Even that little part where you said, life's been fucking me, and you didn't even say fucking me in the ass, which seems like you would say that. Just not even saying that was so much better. That little tweet you did right there. Totally. Or you heard me. Even when you're nervous, though, it's like you like adorable nervous in this way that's like really easy to watch and it was kind of like, I kind of feel like maybe you didn't have like a, you know, an opus written about like your shitty, you know, shitty things that happened to you but like, oh, it's like, oh yeah, I just want to hear more about your day and like just like I love that you just took immediate stuff and were honest about your life and you're really super paint the picture get into it you know what I mean if you're gonna go with air mattress really neat it because I actually I never talked about this on

stage when it was happening because I'm an idiot I'll tell Tony I did on an air mattress years ago and it did end up leaving And this is true, by the way. This part's sort of unbelievable. I bought another air mattress, and that already had a hole in it. I remember I'd been sleeping... And by the way, here's what's crazy, and this is what you need to take and describe. Is that when you sleep on an air mattress that has a hole in it, you blow it up all the way. I mean, it's a sad situation because no matter what, you're going to end up on the floor. The question is, is how long

of, are you going to be able to fall asleep before you hit the floor? That's really what ends up happening. I only know because I fucking lived it by the way. Is there like a funny joke in like the, uh, like just the sound of hitting bottom like this? Yeah. Now I can't fall asleep without that sound by the way. I joke it like the sound of hitting bottom like this Yeah Now I can't fall asleep without that sound by the way You just hit bottom I can't fall asleep without that sound so now that I have a Tempur-Pedic mattress I bought a rattlesnake and just sit in the corner That was Kiloton of concussion. Thank you. What's fucked up is I've been on it since September and when I was employed, fine.

When I had a car, fine. Welcome to Hollywood. How long you been here? Almost a year and a half. Yeah, see? They just fuck you in the ass. It's done. What'd you do? Sexual harassment? No, they're not shooting anything right now. I thought you were going to ask what happened to the air mattress. Like, what did happen?

I don't know. There's a hole in it somewhere. There's always a reason. You've been hooking up with guys with needle dicks lately? Is that what you're talking about? One second. I don't bring anybody to my air mattress, you know? Josh Martin wearing his little key ring. Old town.

Oh, I think I put a hoe in your whale hatch, Wes. I love that everybody knows Josh Martin's voice now, so now we can do everybody's drag stuff. It took years of establishing Josh Martin. I think that sounds like kind of droopy dog. You know droopy? Alyssa, I absolutely love what's happening here. It's definitely the most exciting part of this. You know, one of the coolest parts of doing what I do is getting to have regulars and getting to watch you guys grow. And this is just another week where clearly you did the work. You wrote some shit out. Your card broke.

We got worthy of your card broke on the way here. So the fact that you even did that, like, because we had finished, you almost didn't make it or whatever. But so that's pretty cool that you're talking about real shit. And that's fucking awesome. Really happy with about real shit and that's fucking awesome. Really happy with your sets lately. It's great stuff. Melissa Esslinger every day. And we've got two other guys who like some performance

and they've seen that week on the show. That's pretty crazy. Big boy grown-up comedians don't always do that. Put your hands together for our other regular, very funny, always cool The Styles of Danessa Johnston. I recently started wearing underwear so that I don't have to wash my pants as much. And so that I can sell them. The company will be named Hard Tarps. They'll come in many different Pineapple, clam chowder,

Honey Mary, and chocolate. For those of you who are not laughing and don't support my American dream, fuck you, communists. Trying to figure out who my target demographic is. Probably Red Band. I actually helped a girl do that for a living. She would buy, very cool. One of the only people tonight, it might even be the only, to talk about one subject throughout the entire minute, which I love, you know, committing and trying to figure out what works

and taking those chances and not just moving on to another one-liner that you know can, you know, maybe win, re-win them over. But it's cool that you stayed in the pocket like that. That's fun. Guys, this is the first time you've seen Vanessa Johnston, correct? What are we thinking here? I actually thought you were great. Like I liked

you know, it's there's something like self-deprecating but you're like clearly very beautiful so it's sort of like soft, shy, dirty thing that I like the whole vibe and package. Your jokes are great. Well written. I like, you know, it's okay to get people uncomfortable. You know, oh, fuck it, man.

You know, it's okay to go to that place. Not everything needs to be fucking explosion laugh every two seconds Sometimes you gotta take people into some dark places and then you know as long as you bring them back and you nail Red Band at the end Such a great ending because everybody knows what kind of stuff Is the guy that would buy your underwear We love Lowry the Duck, we love him, but he is the guy that would buy your underwear. You know what I'm saying? Literally, when you were doing the thing, describing all these things, they were just sitting over here going, mm-mm, mm-mm. I love the truth.

I love honesty on stage. I think we're in a great place in comedy where you can get more and more honest than ever before, and it's just like, there are guys that would buy your underwear and that is a fucking fact and if everybody can get uncomfortable with it fuck it because i look at this crowd and you would all except for that blonde right there the rest of you would all buy her fucking underwear i don't feel like it's arrogant of you to say you know you would buy my underwear like to an audience yeah I know you buy it. I mean some chicks are going to get angry with that.

And then you're going to have to think about how to defuse that. That's just the truth, man. It's just the truth. There's going to be a couple of chicks that are going to be like, Oh, she thinks she can get my boy. You've got to learn how to defuse that and maybe shit on yourself a little bit. That's just the reality of the situation. But I love going to those fucking uncomfortable places

And you can do it. There's not you know There's definitely not a lot of people that can get away with that always normally the tech Remember what I'm saying is that normally the types of people that do like you know sort of dirty sort of You know bloody and poopy things. It's normal. You know you know Not the best- looking people that do those things. What? Have you ever had a night where your underwear is like a banana split? That's something guys don't know anything about.

Because that girl's underwear gets wrecked all the time. I know this by watching Amy Schumer movies, okay? Same thing when I said about Melissa, I was saying it goes for you. It's so fun to watch you guys grow and take chances and stay in the pocket and really deliver. So fucking cool. Love it. Another second. You were going to say something?

Yeah. Sorry, Morgan. No, no, no. I was just going to say the one thing I think, especially when your jokes are really dirty, like sit with them a lot and like really like look at them and go like, how can I make this the smartest joke possible so that nobody can say, oh, that's just a dirty joke. Because I typically don't do like potty humor. Yeah, but like even if it's potty humor, there are brilliant jokes that are about shit and dicks and farting.

David's house is the funniest guy on the planet. He can be filthy as fuck, but nobody writes a smarter joke than that guy. Hey Vanessa, I have just a pitch for you, a title pitch for your first mission. She moves away. Because it seems like you hate people, so it's like, Miss Anthropy. That's it. Vanessa Johnston, ladies and gentlemen. Vanessa Johnston is on Twitter. Vanessa Johnston, Melissa S. and Melissa S.

As a special treat to all of you Kill Tony fans that have been watching for a long time, you know this guy, you love him, you heard him get pulled out of the bucket, he has so much going on that he literally was too busy for his spot, and we are having him on right now. You know him, you love him, you've seen him over ten times on this show. Now on to big crazy things, it's the great Fang Chao! Oh, piece of shit. I am from a country called China. Over there, people beat their kids all the time.

When I was growing up, my mom beat me up five times. That day was a really rough day for me. My Chinese grandma died last year. Before she died, all she wanted to see is me getting married with another Chinese chick, just to make more Chinese babies. I said it to my grandma, I said, Grandma, I love you with all my heart. I'll do anything, anything to make you happy.

But you know I don't like the Chinese chicks. You're being one of them. being one of them. Grandma, no matter who I marry or what type of baby I make, you ain't gonna live long enough to see them. So she died. Fang Chao ladies, I'll give you exactly one minute. Here is your TV. One of our favorite right now, one of our favorite characters of all time. All time, poll ratio 100%. How's life going for you Fang Chao?

It's good, everything's good here. Everybody's talking about you. Your reputation is like, you know, everybody's saying that you're one of the best new door guys since Tony Hinchcliffe. And that was back in 2007, by the way. You're so hot right now. Yeah. But don't let it go to your head.

It's getting bigger. That's the biggest thing. You're very funny, dude. You've been funny since I saw you at Flappers doing that fucking, that open mic, which is a fun thing. Man, you got a great hook. You're a fucking excellent writer, man. Thanks a lot. It's writer man, it's just now it's just time and keep writing

keep writing and you got great it's my first time seeing you and I can see why there's so much about us, you're fantastic and you're really again I feel like the comics it's not just like great writers but like

I could hear you I could watch you for like a long time And struggle through jokes and go to great jokes and struggle through jokes and watch a whole long set You clearly own it. Your stage presence tells an entire story You were the only person all night to stand at the front of the stage, mic stand behind you, truly look out and deliver And that goes a long way. That's a real thing that just happened, that disguises and goes both ways, and that's why we want it here.

It's because you're owning, you have confidence, which is so fucking important in this. You have to keep a level head though, bud. He's gonna do it. He's gonna do it. Thank you, that's gonna be a rock star. Thank you, everybody. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So great, thank you. I'll be waiting for it then. Thank you Rockstar, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! This is on Twitter, FYE80 Detroit

for Ryan J. E. Felt for next episode! Look at that! Look at you guys! Isn't that crazy? That's you Sam! Patty Reagan is Patty Reagan on Twitter. Jamie Vernon, Ryan J. E. Feld, everybody. Sam Tripoli, Morgan Murphy.

I'm in Fresno this Friday. Come out and see me. Fresno, go to samtripoli.com. Get those dates, motherfuckers. Morgan Murphy. I have been to Richtown. I'm not a customer for Oregon. Whatever that is.

Morgan Murphy, Sam Tripoli, thank you guys so much. That will be the walk of Peter Gravy, Jeremiah Watkins. Up next, the longest running show in comedy store history, The Big Bang Show. A delicious drink of Mangria. Thanks Adam Carolla for the Mangria. So good. Hello, welcome. I don't smell sex in my chair. I don't smell sex in my chair. Music Music