KILL TONY - KILL TONY #151

Episode Date: April 20, 2016

Doug Benson, Eleanor Kerrigan, Josh Martin, Jeremiah Watkins, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 04/11/2016 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. Don't forget to go to DeathSquad.tv for everything Death Squad, including tour dates. Click on tour dates, and you'll find all the different shows that we do, including Kill Tony, every Monday at the Comedy Store. Every Tuesday, we have the Roast Battle, which is the verbal violence podcast. Every first and third Friday, we are in Pasadena at the Ice House doing the Desquad Comedy Show there. And May 22nd, we're bringing Kill Tony on the road to Nashville, Tennessee.

That's right. We're going to be at Zany's Comedy Club Sunday, May 22nd. That's coming up, guys. It's a part of a comedy festival. We're doing a live show. it's at 5.30pm which is a Sunday May 22nd Kill Tony Live Nashville also go to TonyHinchcliffe.com

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He's the house artist that we've been having on all our shows who draws every episode. But right now he has a limited edition kill Tony movie poster. You can get it by going to Ryan J E belt.com. And shop squad. Dot TV is the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe, including we have a pre-order for a new hat, a silver hat, and a remix of the original Pill shirt. So check it out.

It's on pre-order right now at ShopSquad.TV. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Rampage. I'm with you live from the real famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, volume three. Give it up for Tony Hedgcliffe. What? Holy shit.

Oh, my God. Is this the most fun place to be on a Monday or what? Fuck yeah! Home sweet home. Keep it going for the great Pat Reagan on the ones and twos over there, the band leader. Brian Redband. Come on, people.

Hey, what's up, guys? Amped up. You guys ready for a crazy Monday night or what? Come on, people. We're on live stream right now. Thousands of people watching. Wish they were here. You can do better than that. Are you ready for a crazy Monday fucking night?

There you go. It's a little bit better. We're almost there. We'll get you there by the end. Jamie Vernon on the HD camera. David Deary on the door. We're ready for another fun episode. Brian, how's everything going? We got dates coming up. Kill Tony's going to the Wild West Comedy Fest in June in Nashville.

May 22nd, actually. Date just got moved up that quick. It happens that fast. I'm going to be in Zanies in Chicago and Cap City in Austin, so if you're listening and you're there, come see me live in the next couple weeks in any one of those two cities. How about you? What's happening? Life's good?

I ate some mushrooms last night. I might have had some weed, and now I feel like I'm shrooming again. Brian is in, you're in near what? Like episode 10 on your new podcast, What Brian Redband Did. Something like that, yeah. We tried to do one last night where we ate mushrooms and did a podcast. That sounds like a great idea. That always sounds like that'll work 100% of the time.

Cut to you trying so hard to delete whatever audio you accidentally recorded. So let's get into it. Pat, how are you tonight? I'm doing great, Tony. Actually, I think my lawyer's here. What? Is my lawyer here? He is here?

Looks like this schtick's already failing, Pat. No surprise here. I give you one little shot over there and you just took it and took a hot dump on it. Well, he might be running late. He'll be here. He might be running late. That's exactly the type of amazing art

that we're used to getting from you over there, Pat. I think my lawyer is here. Oh, he might be running late. I like that. He had an accident. You'll see. Okay. I'm excited.

Your lawyer was pretty bad on the show a couple weeks ago when we tried that out. Bill Burr was on the episode. I just remember your friend, the lawyer, whoever this guy is. Yeah, he's my lawyer. He's your lawyer. Okay. We'll stick with it. I just remember he would pretty much only talk right when

Bill Burr was about to start talking. It's pretty impressive. He was when Bill Burr was about to start talking. It was pretty impressive. He was just real balls on that guy to really commit to talking over one of the best comedians in the world that I tried to book on this show for. He's one of the best lawyers in the world. Oh, okay. You know what? Touche, my friend. I had a delicious glass of Mangria last night to put me to sleep.

This is the brosé everybody. It's a delicious drink. It's half red wine and half white wine and you know when you just want to man up and have a drink I go for Mangria. Adam Carolla's delicious Mangria. It's strong. I shared a bottle last night

and it's... They're not even paying us to say this. It's strong. I had a, I shared a bottle last night and it's, they're not, they're not even paying us to say this. It's just so fucking delicious that I just take a moment out of every episode to say so good. Adam Corolla's man. Greer. So delicious.

I love it. Man. Greer. Yeah. There you go. Now you're on board. That's realizing maybe you can get 20 bucks out of this. Yeah.

Yeah. Man. Greer. Man. Greer. Hey, also my, my band, the baby boys Reagan and the Baby Boys, is on Spotify right now. Yeah. New music just came out to the album.

Pat Reagan and the Baby Boys. It's a full band. It's a little punker than what you saw up here. I was listening to it earlier today, which also reminds me, well, speaking of great art, let's not forget the one, the only, the powerhouse himself, Ryan J. E. Belt is right here, live in the flesh, drawing tonight's episode. He drew the Kill Tony poster, which hangs framed in the middle of my

living room. I absolutely love it. And everybody that comes over talks about how fucking cool this poster is. It's perhaps the coolest piece of merch I've ever seen, ever. I think he brings some, too. So if you want one, he has some on the front porch after the show. So check it out. Posters galore, ladies and gentlemen, and you can buy one. Is that your lawyer, Pat?

Give it up for my lawyer, ladies and gentlemen. There we go. I will help you out. Oh, wait a second. Oh, he's blind. Is that a yardstick? Oh, he has a yardstick, but yardstick? He has a yardstick. I used to get spanked by this.

I watched him step on the stage without actually touching the yardstick to it. Very interesting. Oh, you looked right at me. Are you blind? I can see through the sunglasses that you're looking directly at my eyeballs. I can still form

images in my mind. I'm amazed that even with the speakers around you You would think that would throw you off a little bit Into the side of it? You still have the amazing timing that I remember you from a couple weeks ago I can't see the side of it Very good Alright, well, welcome back lawyer guy

What are you doing here tonight? I just, uh, anybody want to know how to beat a DUI? How? Officer, I do not consent to a breathalyzer. All right. It's my blind lawyer. His name is Matt Murdock, ladies and gentlemen. Matt Murdock, the blind lawyer.

All right. I love it. This sounds like it's going to really... What's funny is that Pat actually knocked over the blind man's beer on that. That's very impressive. With both of your feet there, Pat, you decided to kick over a beer. Oh, he found exactly where it was. This blind lawyer has great instincts.

I could feel the radiating cold. There you go. Fuck yeah. I love it. 0 for 4 for those of you keeping track on the lawyer tonight. Let's do it, guys. We have two of the funniest guests in the world. As always, we surprise you every single week. We don't tell you who our guests are.

We don't fucking need to, because Kill Tony fans are the most badass fans in the world and that's why you get rewarded weekly with the baddest ass comedians possible. This week is no different. Put your hands together for the great Doug Benson and Eleanor Kerrigan. Holy shit.

Look who it is, everybody. The fighting pride of Philly, Eleanor Kerrigan. Opener for Dice and fucking Cold-Blooded Assassin. Shooting a special right now. Pretty much. One of the funniest humans I know. One of my favorite people in all of comedy. Thank you, Tony.

And me. Let's get the comics out here. This is Doug Benson. Oh, hey, everybody. One of our favorite guests. Ready to that part. So don't run the light. You get it. That's what happens. Even the guests can go over the time.

The bear could go off at any moment. I love it. So you get how it works, everybody. If you don't know, comedians talk to comedians on this show. We have a bucket filled with young comics and old comics and all different kinds of comics that signed up for a chance to do 60 Seconds on this stage. And then we talk to them afterwards about their set and about anything in the world. You know your 60 Seconds is up, comedians, when you hear the sound of a kitty. Is that really what we're doing tonight?

Nobody can hear that. Is that a bird cat? I don't think Brian really understands that it's important to have one sound for this one part. Oh, there's the kitty. For the sake of repetition. And wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear.

Wolf snarl. Beast growl. And a pistol for good measure. I'm glad I'm not in a D-Box seat because that was intense. In a what? D-Box. It's okay. You don't know what that is? No. That's where you sit in a chair that moves during

the movie. Oh. Yeah, yeah. Like during, I saw the Revenant in the D-Box chair and I felt like I got raped by that bear. Shaking you around? I don't think he actually got raped by a bear in that movie. You know what I meant.

I think you wouldn't saw it in a dirty theater. He was fortunate to not be raped by that bear, but it might have been better than what did happen to him. Nothing in that movie made sense, and I hated it. I think it needed... Tony the whole time was like, what does the word revenant even mean?

Yeah, that's what it is. That's what it was. That's why I couldn't enjoy the movie, because I didn't know what the fucking word meant. Well, it means bear rape. I'm sorry. So awesome. It. Well, it means bear rape. I'm sorry. So awesome. It's a French word for bear rape.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, Pat's lawyer, you see any good movies lately? That seems cruel. I'm just trying to figure out if there's a cat and a bear in here. Okay, one for five, one for five. Welcome to the game I'm rooting for you Tap it out

What is that? That's not even a real blind person cane It's just a Yard long stick He's blind So he doesn't even know Well, he does know that he's a yard away from things. I don't know

why they don't all use a yard long one. Exactly true. Come on, blind people. Get it together. I don't have disabilities. That was my mom's weapon of choice to spank me growing up with a yard stick. That long? They break easy. Not a ruler?

A yard stick? She's like, I need three feet away from this ass. I am a long distance spanker. My mother used to beat me with a telephone pole. All right. That's an older timey person, everybody. Let's get into it. You guys ready to start Kill Tony or what?

Here we fucking go. I'm going to pull a name out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted and anything can happen. Over 50 comedians signed up tonight. Your first comedian going up goes by the name of Brian Morey. Story of my fucking life here.

Hey guys, thank you for having me. Quick background on me. I was And drink it to the top So the financial aid office at Rutgers apparently disagrees. My first memory of my mother was her taking me and my sister to a store to see a ninja turtle. Big fucking day for me, needless to say. He was signing autographs and taking pictures. And my mom's friend had my six-year-old sister steal a woman's purse that was on the floor. And she was very scared, and she was crying. And I remember being so pissed off because we drove all that way, and it was fucking Donatello. And there wasn't shit in that lady's purse.

That felt like a minute. I don't know. It was a minute in the bathroom upstairs. I don't know. Okay. Are you ending your set? Still have some time left. What did that come in at, Brian?

It was 50 seconds when you said that. 50, yes. You have 10 more seconds. You want to do 10 more seconds? I don't have 10 more seconds. All right. All right, let it go. Is that what you have?

That's what I have, yeah. Is this your first time doing stand-up? This is my very first time. Very first time doing stand-up comedy. That's how we do it. I like it. I show by making dreams come true. No big deal.

So this is your first time, so this is a great thing to go through right now. Put the mic back in the stand for a second. Now, pretend that you just got introduced and lower the stand. There you go. And then take it out or don't. But you know what I mean? You gave in to the height lower the stand. There you go. And then take it out or don't. But you know what I mean? Like you gave

in to the height of the stand like oh great. Story of my life. Yeah story of my life. And you took it out and it's like. First time update. Which could be funny if you planned it but instead it was more like yeah I'm not tall enough to do comedy. Look. Which is not true

You could do it at any size Kevin Hart proves it on the daily And now that I know that it was your first time It's also sort of crazy Whitney's like Well that felt like a minute to me I don't know what kind of timer you got over there But I've been doing this a while

50 seconds to be exact That's what I said when I lost my virginity. It felt like a lot longer to me. Did you plan this, your material? Did you write it out in story form, kind of like a paragraph, and you just remembered the paragraph? Because it felt like that.

That's actually part of a four-pager. Use your microphone voice. That's actually part of like a four use your microphone that's actually like part of like a four pager okay yes i didn't even know about this until like three weeks ago i've been coming here and signing up you did not know about comedy until three weeks ago the kill tony podcast up here and i gotta say you did great uh with you know like putting it together quickly now you just need to get some jokes in there. Let's talk about your real life for a second, Brian. Because technically, yeah, that was the first set. It felt like it.

It was a great 50-second TED Talk. Yeah. So Brian, tell us about your real life. How long have you, where are you from? I'm originally from New Jersey. Right outside of Philly. I can hear that. I can hear that creepy accent.

Thank you. I like it. What do of Philly. I can hear that. I can hear that creepy accent. Thank you. I like it. What do you do for work? I sell insurance. I bet you do. I do. You seem like it. Oh, party.

For all you people that need insurance. What kind of insurance are you? I'm not very good at selling insurance, actually. Well, everybody has insurance now, so my job's not going great. Fucking Obama. insurance, actually. Well, everybody has insurance now, so my job's not going great. So I was like, fuck it. Fucking Obama. Thanks, Obama. Everybody's got health care now.

Christ. How long have you been in L.A.? I moved here in October. Wow. October. What made you move out here? I was selling insurance. I lived in Virginia at the time, and I had a chance to transfer out here.

And Virginia is kind of shitty this time of year and it's always nice here. Married? Yeah, I'm married and I have a kid. That's where the anger is coming from. Very angry, yeah. You're pissed off, dude. I thought you were going to hit somebody. That first sentence, you were pissed.

No, I'm good. Tell it to your comedy. Yeah, I forget what you were talking about During your set I left Virginia And I'm selling insurance And I have a wife and a kid Those all seem like really good subjects

I had tons of shit on that But again I just learned about this What does your wife do for work? She's working at a temp agency Right now We just got here in's working at a temp agency right now. I mean, we just got here in October. Do you know her? Yeah, but it's a temp agency.

I don't know. How come you're not wearing a ring? I lost my ring. The plot thickens. I swear to God. You son of a bitch. All the women in here just got so angry. I lost my ring.

You're going to get so much pussy. Let your wife know. I'm a divorced lawyer. That's right. See, I've been coming here, and then I was like, well, let me try to sign up for this, and I honestly didn't expect to get called. I haven't gotten called in like four weeks. No one should expect to get called.

It's like the Oscars. Like, how could I win? I was only one of the five eligible, and yet somehow they called my name. Where do you think you lost your wedding ring? Oh, it was in the ocean. Oh, shit. If the water's cold, shit doesn't fit anymore. Shrinkage.

I know. It's a real thing. So you lost your cock ring also? I lost all of them. You can always tell when me and Doug are talking at the same time that we're racing. Dick ring? Cock ring? You can always tell when me and Doug are talking at the same time that we're racing. At the same time. Fuckers. Dick ring?

Cock ring? Wow. Well, Brian, you have all the charisma of a young Gilbert Gottfried. And, you know, I'm excited about that. No, not really. What else? What are you scared of? What am I scared of?

Yeah. Snakes. Oh, well, that's interesting because we happen to have Yeah. Brian hit the snake sound. My anaconda don't want Have you ever been near a snake? Yes, yeah. I don't enjoy

snakes though so I don't go near them. Who enjoys snakes? Right, see that's what I'm saying. Is there a snake in here? They're gross. They're disgusting. Wait a second. Hold on a second. Wait. There's somebody that wants to say something. I just saw a blind man lean forward. Just making sure there's no snakes. That's a good point. Blind guys

worried about the snakes. They're at least three yards away from you. Three feet, I meant. Three feet. I know what a yard is. I can't even watch him on TV. It fucks my back. How old's your kid, I meant. Three feet. I know what he's doing. I can't even watch him on TV. How old's your kid, Brian? He's six.

How's that going? It's going. He's alive. Wow. You are ready for the couch on the Carson show. I'll tell you, you are such a bundle of good answers. He's good. He's alive. He's in the car. He's breathing. Really, he's given me a lot to work

with there, Brian. It's why we're all the way in the valley. I live all the way in West Hills because we did the whole move online and everything looks like gangland on a map and we needed a good school even though he's in kindergarten. You're a little bit racist. And I don't think anybody ever tells you that. Not a little bit. Not a little bit. Oh, shit.

Aunt Jemima's clapping hard up there. Look out. I love that a map of Los Angeles, parts of it look racist. Like, how could a map look racist? I mean, how could it look scary on the map? I don't get it. Or did you do Google Images? No, if you look on this place to rent, if you look on this place to rent, it shows like

a red where the crime is. Did you rent Boys in the Hood? Yes. Rent. I can't believe I just said that. Yeah. Went to the old blockbuster. Got to get it back by Thursday.

All right, Brian. Well, it was nice to meet you, man. Thank you. It's your first time on stage. Eleanor, anything for Brian? Eleanor, you are a specialist in recognizing talent at the store. A lot of people might not know, but that's a big

part of her inside thing, because you've seen everybody here at the store start for the last two decades. That's true. But what Red Band said earlier about you memorizing a monologue, it felt like you angrily wrote out this stuff like

you're pissed that you had to be raised by your grandma i get it i was raised by my grandmom too but you know there's fun in that and it's not just black jokes either there's other shit in there too i mean i'm very black i understand right but just you know there's other stuff in there it felt angry it felt like you were fucking pissed and i did feel shit this guy's kind of racist I don't know but it just bright because even if you're not it comes out angry yeah now that it's legal I guess oh fuck get your shit together yeah he was super into cigarettes when he was in Virginia stop following the law do shit illegal Do a little coke

Loosen up That's good advice I don't know about the coke part She just told me to do coke She might have Yeah But But I'd say though

That like at least Even though it was A memorized monologue At least it was like Public speaking Is clearly not a problem Like for your first set You were poised

Yeah That's what I'd say. I'm nervous. I'm still sweating like a fuck. There he goes. Well, you're hiding it very well with your cardigan. The outfit's perfect. So now go back and work on the jokes. There he goes. Brian Morey, everybody.

Brian Morey. Oh, the lawyer has a harmonica, ladies and gentlemen. Very multi-talented lawyer. He may be blind, but he can play the harmonica. The plot line just keeps getting better and better. Isn't that a blind person thing? I'm just learning. To play the harmonica?

I guess so. The blues? I guess so. Yeah. Well, I mean, he just... Somebody just throw up? That's some of our classy audience here at Kill Tony, one of the few free shows at the Comedy Store.

Put your hands together for your next comedian, Kevin Lee, everybody. Kevin! Kevin! Thanks. Thank you. Thank you. Sorry, I was in the back of the room.

I'm not having a great day. This morning I put my boxers on backwards, and I didn't realize it until this afternoon at work. I had to poop through the dick hole. I set my friend up on a blind date. He got back from the date. He was kind of upset with me. He was like, Kevin, you told me that she looked like Salma Hayek.

I was like, I didn't tell you that she looked like Salma Hayek. I said that she smelt like an old kayak. And he was like, Kevin, you told me that she looked like Anna Kournikova. I was like, I didn't told me that she looked like Anna Kournikova I was like I didn't tell you that she looked like Anna Kournikova I said that she looked like an anus cornucopia and he was like Kevin you

told me that she looked like Catherine Zeta Jones I was like I didn't tell you that she looked like Catherine Zeta Jones I said that she looked like a Scatman Crothers clone thank you Kevin wait killing it Jones. I said that she looked like a Scatman Crothers clone. Thank you. There you go, Kevin. Wait. Killing it.

I feel like that also would have, I feel like that set also would have crushed in front of a room of kindergartners as well. Possibly, yeah. Something very juvenile. Oh, you think they would have got the references? I don't even think you need the references. It's just like, oh, I get it. That does sound like that. Yeah. It's cool. How many of those do you have? I feel like even think you need the references it's just like oh I get it that does sound like that yeah it's cool how many of those do you have I feel like

the way you were rattling them off I feel like I could listen to an entire hour of no I didn't say that I have like a minute ten I thought you were going to say I have like a million are you an Adam Sandler fan I am yes

do you know his old bit where he said uh he tried he was shy about asking his girlfriend what to do in bed he said lick my balls and she's like what and he's like i like lou ross oh no yeah i haven't heard that one but uh it's similar but you know even though it's the same structure i don't think it's a rip-off i i i i enjoyed it. I'd say my biggest critique of your set was opening with, I had to come from the back of the room, because we all have to do that when it's our turn to go on.

We don't just magically appear. We have to come from the back of the room. So just don't make excuses at the beginning and go right into your ripoff of Adam Sandler. Go. Absolutely. Thank you. Yeah, huge fan. Thanks. I love that. Kevin, how long have you. Huge fan. Thanks. I love that. Kevin, how long have you been doing stand-up?

Almost 10 years. Wow. Where at? Indianapolis is where I got started. I did it in New York for a while. Chicago. How long have you been doing it in LA? About four. Four years? Yeah. Oh, that's fun.

Kevin's one of my best friends. Hey, we're fun. Kevin's one of my best friends. Hey, we're pals. These guys are just coming out of the woodwork. He goes through them really quick. Did you think that was going to help him? Yeah, I know. It's not going to help him. We've been hanging out.

Why did you go and rat him out like that? It's always great. Next week you'll see him as Pat's deaf accountant. I can't hear myself bombing. We got to go over your numbers. There you go. He's already ready. You don't have enough income. Wow.

Look at this. You're like a member of the Pat Pack. Actually, I'm sorry. I'll have a written apology for everyone. The Pat Pack. That is amazing. It has to be called that. Where's this?

Oh, Kevin Lee. Can I just say something off the set? Is this one of your friends as well, Blind Lawyer? I actually did date a woman that smelled like a kayak. All right. That's all I know about her. This pat pack is really big. Two for seven.

Two for seven. Have you always had the mustache, the cop mustache? Yeah. I feel like every time I've seen you, you've always had it. What's the reason behind it? Yeah. And do you draw that on in the morning or at night? Right.

Well, no. Yeah, I use a fresh turd to draw this on every morning. A fresh turd. Thanks, Doug. I love your poop out of the dick hole joke on the underwear. Oh, yeah, yeah. I love that. You can't pull your underwear

down. Yeah. You gotta fucking shit out of the dick hole. Why would you do that? I'm at work. I don't have the time. Yeah, you're at work. You got to get back to... And that's clearly the note that I was going to give. It's like, it's a great one-liner,

but it totally has room to, you know, you have space there to explain it. You can go with that. You get one laugh and then you move on. I don't know if you do have

a longer version of that joke, but the more you paint that picture, you're already, you've already had them laughing at pooping out of a dick hole because it's so stupid to picture somebody spreading the dick hole open. Speaking of stupid, Brian wants to say something.

We said dick hole enough times for Brian to get amped up over here. You look like you're ready to go. No, I'm just tripping, man. Residual mushrooms. Do you still get skid marks when you wear your pants that way? Like when you shit out?

Absolutely. Oh, okay. Because I thought it has like a flap. Like it would just... You guys, I'm sorry. I'm taking improv classes. This isn't really going well, but I'm taking UCB classes.

Right now? Yeah. What does that have to do with anything? What are you saying? Yes. I just feel like... Guys, I found another profession. Because I'm feeling like

this didn't work out while this is happening. I mean, I have my jokes. I just don't feel like I know how to improvise very well. Oh, well, that's fine. Are you saying right now you're not improvising well?

You're killing it. You're not being judged now. Yes, and... I think I'll do better after I complete 101. Wow. I love this. I thought you were great.

Just don't think, dude. Just be in the moment. You're hilarious. You're not going to learn anything in your UCB classes. This is a new school of comedy. I just changed Salma Hayek to somebody else whose name doesn't rhyme with kayak because it just gets crazy because who's fucking smelled a kayak

or I'd add that to the thing yeah right for those of you that haven't smelled a kayak you don't know what you're missing it smells like Salma Hayek's fucking bush. Whoa.

Yeah. You have to say it angrily. Go super dirty with it and angry. Yeah. Kevin, what's your situation in life? Anything cool happening with you? I just moved into a new place. Yeah, with who?

Some dumb open-miker. No, she's great. She? A piece of shit. You got a shit on her because it's a girl. All right. Her dog has fleas. And she didn't tell me that before I moved in.

She's an asshole then. Oh, what a terrible person. No, she's great. Why did you do that? Because she might watch this. Oh, all right. Why'd you do that? Because she might watch this Oh alright

I mean why don't you just like You know Buy the dog a flea collar Or something like that You ever think about that? Those don't work They don't work? No

You gotta get some advantage Brian is our specialist On fleas here Flea collars don't work It's a trick So what should you do? Get advantage Like stuff you put on

Right on her neck There you go Have you tried to fuck your roommate yet? No, not yet. Do you do anything creepy yet, like when she's not there, like smell her underwear or anything like that? Not yet. A good way is to get rid of the mustache.

She might fuck you then. Why is everybody so down on this mustache? I'm sorry. He looks like a 70s porn star. I rubbed one out to him like two days ago. That's great if you're rubbing it out to him. Yeah, I like old school porn, nobody. Fuck you guys.

I still put the VHS in. And he looked just like the guy. I think his name was Randy West. I don't know. Whoa. Randy West. Randy West. I'm the only one that fucking watches porn.

Eleanor watches the blue one that fucking watches porn. Eleanor watches the blue-collar porn tour over here. Giddy up, I'm Randy West. Hey, plumbing gone bad? I want to know, I only masturbate to BBW porn. BBW? That's, uh... Is this the guy that you're talking about? Is this Randy West?

Yes, there he is. Brian took the time to Google Randy West. Can we get that up on the board? Oh wow, that's some of that UCB right there. That's right, yes. Thank you. Oh! When they say something,

then you repeat it in a different way. Alright. This is too much for the Randy West thing. Oh, that's going hot. You're going to get me all wet. Turn it off. Come on, man. All right.

Yeah, get her wet. What am I, a slip and slide? Relax. How long have you lived with this new roommate? These people are sitting in the splash zone. It's like Gallagher. I got to get you some ponchos. I'll help you out.

Sorry. Oh, shit. He's going to come all over you. Vagimatic. Anything else, Kevin? That was pretty good, if you remember. Yeah, check out my website, brianjebelt.com. No, it's called iamnotacop.com.

Kevin Lee. There he goes, everybody. Bye, Kevin. Good job, dude. He's on Iamnotacop.com. Kevin Lee. There he goes, everybody. Bye, Kevin. Good job, dude. He's on Twitter at Kaylee Daily. Brian Morey is on Twitter at Brian Morey, M-O-U-R-E-Y. It's Ryan J.E. Belt, by the way.

Ryan J.E. Belt for your Kill Tony posters. You can buy a print. He's drawing tonight's episode right now. How many names do you think are in the bucket? How many names? Yeah, like in the bucket? How many names? Yeah, like guess though. Probably around 50. Nice.

Kevin and I text like every day. Good luck, everybody. This looks like an interesting name. What race was that comedian? Hard to tell, right? I don't know, but you're going to get to the finish line. It's an interesting name. Put your hands together for Fatso Raven What?

Fatso Raven? That's definitely his given name That's great I just showed my pet scorpion to a friend of mine, and he asked me, I just showed a pet scorpion to a friend of mine, and he asked me, is it poisonous?

And I said, no, not at all. But that's not what he heard. Based off of what he did next, he must have heard me say, no, not at all. Please feel free to reach in and grab my scorpion. This guy takes his bare hand, reaches it over into the tank, and the second that he gets close enough, she stings him right on the inside of his asshole. They're a lot more agile than we give them credit for.

And so John's on the floor floor and he's driving in a new kind of pain. 20 minutes later, I say, John, we need to get you to a hospital. I think you're allergic to scorpions. And he starts being like, whoa, whoa, you said that it was not poisonous. John, of course

not. Who's ever heard of a poisonous scorpion? But they're venomous as shit. Thank you. Holy shit. Excellent. Fatso Raven, a.k.a. Matthew Maloney. Matthew, what's up with the name change?

Just trying something new. Are you the bear from The Redneck? Are you the bear from The Revenant? Do it, dude. Are you the bear that beat up Leo? He's so cute. I mean, is there anybody you can think of in comedy that has like a fatso raven kind of... You gotta keep it.

You can't make that your Twitter handle. Why? You can't be a professional comic with a name like that. I just did it for this show, Doug. Just for this one episode? Just for this one. I wanted to try it. All right.

Why don't you like it? Did you want to try having trouble keeping your head from hitting that thing during your set? He's a big boy. I think this is a hazard. I think you need to get this removed. Did you want to try doing more of like a campfire tale than a stand-up comedy routine? It was very storytelling. There was a lot of setup there.

And what you did was you told a story about a guy getting bit by a scorpion. No, I did not. Scorpions don't bite people, Tony. They stink. Oh my God. This is getting creepier and creepier by the second. I can already see the chain marks on my wrist from being

locked up with fucking scorpions tonight. I was completely confused when you said it bit him in the asshole. It just kind of took the whole story like, alright, you lost me at that point. Immediately it sounded so absurd that I was like, alright. And that's normally the kind of thing

Brian would love. I love asshole stuff. There had to be another scorpion in the room to get to the asshole. This whole scorpion thing, I don't know what you're doing with it. I don't know, but it's crazy. But I want to talk with you about real life stuff, Matthew. Is that okay? We'll try that.

Can I call you Matthew? Yeah, why not? That's my name. Exactly. So what's happening in real life? Playing a lot of chess. You do. You bring a chess board.

Are you the one who bring a chess board. Are you the one who brings the chess board here? Don't do that. We're not smart enough for chess. Get the fuck out of here. How's it going? And you get beat a lot, too, at your own game. We're checkers, people. Who the fuck told you that?

A lot of people are talking about it. Did Brian Simpson tell you that? Whoa. You're going to out people. I don't know if you know this, but you're live on a show right now, Matthew. Who the fuck told you that? A lot of people are talking about... Did Brian Simpson tell you that? Whoa. Brian Simpson. You're going to out people. I don't know if you know this, but you're live on a show right now, Matthew. I don't care if Brian hears. That God is Brian. Okay.

Hey. There you go. Matthew, are you going a little crazy? What's going on here? Are you okay? Yeah, do you need help? I like Matthew. You've been on the show multiple times.

Normally, you're known as like you know a real destroyer and then you did this thing tonight with the you know that was like there was 55. I actually looked at the clock and the setup was 55 seconds long like when you hit that joke at the end. I've done that before and it works.

I don't want to use that. Did you do it at a scorpion convention? Were you opening for the scorpions? More scorpion jokes of any kind, please. Jokes or stories, it's all good to us. Of course, everybody knows they're venomous, not poisonous. Instead of comedy, it doesn't matter if you win or lose. Nobody's keeping Scorpion.

Oh, boy. Fuck yeah. Just look over. He's chugging a bottle of water. That's how you party, Doug? You should play chess with him. Oh, yes. This is disgusting.

Can I get another one? Oh, shit. Matthew, look at the kind of fun stuff that this audience is ready for here tonight. I'd like another Cheetos and soda. Bane from Batman, obviously. He drinks. Matthew, tell us about

something about your real life. What's going on? We get it. You love scorpions. You can set it up. You can be funny with it. I'm sure it's very bizarre with all your other scorpion stuff that I think I've heard before. I think we talked about it before. You have a big chunk of scorpion stuff, right? Are you serious? I have one set about scorpions, but it's more than a couple minutes long.

So I brought different minutes. He's trying to rock us like a hurricane. You're definitely the Scorpion comedian. Let's face it. It's an untapped market. Everyone's doing Trump jokes. Everyone's doing jokes about black neighbors. Snakes.

No one's doing the Scorpion thing. It's just you and the rock. I cannot stop talking about my black neighbors. What are you talking about? Did that come up earlier? I just thought of a Tony Harnescliff joke that I've heard. Oh. You have black neighbors?

Well, I have a black neighbor. Is he featured in One Shot on Netflix? He is not. Oh, okay. Thank you. Matthew, let's talk about your real life. What is it? What's happening? You're getting laid. What's happening?

Does a guy that takes a chessboard out with him at night get pussy ever? Not from doing that. But you know what's fun? What are you doing that gets it? Furious. You know what's fun in the chess world? I have recently

for the first time broken a 1700 ELO on chess.com. I have no idea what you just said. If you don't know what that means... I don't. Is interesting in the chess world an oxymoron? Or in the chess world

are they thinking about what you just said? They're thinking about it. It's impressive? They're taking time to see if they like it or not. Oh, okay. Why do you dress like you were born and raised inside of a Best Buy? What is this?

Look, every time you're on the show every time you're on the show I every time you're on the show, I'm like, where the fuck is his name tag? Which reminds me, I have something I'd like to return. Excuse me, what do Best Buy employees wear? Okay, very good. They're all, hey, just so you know, blind guy,

they all dress in clown suits. Thank you. Head to toe. Yeah, it's so much fun to shop there. I'm sorry you're missing out. It's okay. There you go. So give us an example.

Like last time you got late, how does that go down? Jesus Christ. Are you calling Timber? Timber. It's going down. Come on, man. Are you taking a UCB improv class that can help you right now? Yes, come on.

Don't think. Okay. The last time was the first time my lady and I used a butt plug for the first time. Whoa. What did that feel like going into your asshole? Why do you think scorpions are more interesting? Get it? Interesting What is happening here?

Obviously Doug The scorpion sting is the metaphor For the butt plug Come on pay attention man Wow oh man you really know how to bring the energy to a screeching halt. But he does know that I don't pay attention. So that's fun.

Butt plugs. So what happened then? I don't know if there's a... Was Randy West there? Wake up, wake up, wake up. I'm about to fuck you. How does that song go? Just like that. Isn't it saying wake up, wake up, wake up. I'm about to fuck you. How does that song go? Just like that. Right? Isn't it saying wake up, wake up, like romantically?

It's weird. Anyway, this is about you. Like Bill Cosby. The story begins when I feel that I want to have anal sex with a lady. And so I figure out what's the first step to getting that to work. I go to a sex shop. it turns out I know someone. Can you speak lower? Can you speak with a lower tone?

Can you lower your voice a little bit? Yeah, could you bury white a little bit? So I walk into a sex shop where it turns out I know someone who works there, which was weird. And I said, well, I'm in the market for – Can you go back to your original voice? Yeah. I'm in the market for a butt plug. Can you go back to the low voice now? Alright, Pat.

That's not helpful. He was in a good groove there. Really slicing and dicing over there, Pat. Keep going. Keep going with this fucking story. Yeah, I'm almost wet. So your friend's working at the sex shop and you say what? I'm looking for

a butt plug and anal lube combo. But my price range is like $20. I just dried up. Going a little chintzy on the old butt plug. Not much respect for

your lady's asshole, sir. I only have $20. Shoehorn and some hand lotion? Thank you. This asshole, sir. I only have 20 bucks. What do you got? Oh, okay. A shoe horn and some hand lotion? Thank you. This will be perfect. I mean... Oh, and I still have five bucks. All right, cool.

A cheap alternative is to use a dog Kong, like the toy that Kong... Shut the fuck up. Or you could also just grab a shoe horn at any shoe store. Right. So you didn't get the butt plug with the tail or the horse tail or anything like that. What the fuck? No, it didn't get the butt plug with the tail or the horse tail

or anything like that? No, it didn't even have a full circular end. It just kind of tapered there. A horse tail? It vibrated because she was my friend who worked there and she insisted I get one that vibrated.

That's a good friend. I didn't think that was the right way to go but she knew her stuff. She insisted on getting the vibrating one and I agree. How'd that work out? Was everybody happy in the end? Thank you. Yes. I mean did you pre-prep it so there wasn't any mess?

I mean or it was... How do you do that Brian? I actually... A water douche in the butt to clean out any poop before you do it. Okay, Brian, you describing this stuff makes me literally want a projectile. I'm so scared of you right now. I just picture like, I can't. I just see like a red dot over his head.

Are you a pet? Like, I'm scared of you. Are you a sex offender? You've never used a butt plug, Eleanor. You don't like the butt? Of course I have, but the way you're saying it. Of course I have. I'm a lady.

I have my anal beads in right now. Is there anything else you guys want to plug on this show? What did you say? Did you hear what he just said? No, what did he say? Whatever it was, you should dismiss him immediately. Well, I mean, I was about to, but what did you say, Matthew? So, butt plugs that vibrate.

That's not what you said. That's not what you said. What did you say to your friends? Come on. I was just letting them know that I'm taking up all their time. Really? You think that it's you that we were talking about? What?

You think that we were riffing about you specifically? No, but I'm still on the stage and no one else is getting jokes, but I like that, Tony. What do you mean getting jokes? Who the fuck gives a shit? That's not what the show is. They do. I don't. I'm on your side. Keep me on stage.

Do only four comedians tonight. And the regulars. These people that get on too often. Oh, don't do that. All right, Matthew. Get up and go. Who has a gun? There you go.

But he is right, though, that there's some people tonight that will not get on and will never make it in show business as a result. Right. Like, stand-up comedy is like you only have one chance in your entire life and it's kill Tony or nothing. There goes Matthew Muller. Thanks, dude. A lot of swagger on that one. It's gotten really cozy. Playing up to the comedians

while live on the show. Always an interesting one to watch the evolution. If you're a comic, just don't hit that with your head. Yeah. Attack the stage. Put your hands together for Dan Ramirez, everybody.

Here we go. Here he is. Here we go, baby. Oh, there he is. Hey, baby. Oh, there he is. All right. Hey, guys. I've been going through a bit of an identity crisis as of late. And I just need to get it off my chest.

I feel pretty comfortable with you guys. So I'm going to tell you. I'm a bit of a fat ass. And it's hard because I can't talk to my friends about it. Like, I tell them how I feel, and they're like, they tell me the same thing. They go, hey, Daniel, you're not fat.

You're not fat. Which makes me wonder, why is the fat club so exclusive? Why is it they don't want me? I guess it means, I guess if you could walk into the fat club, your ass isn't welcome at the fat club so exclusive? Why is it they don't want me? I guess it means, I guess if you could walk into the fat club, like, your ass isn't welcome at the fat club. Like, your ass better roll into the fat club. Like, if your ass fits at a seat, at a table at the fat club,

you're not welcome at the fat club. It's a two-seat minimum. Just what if I people have to be so stuck up? Excuse me, blown up. I guess there's just no more room at the Fat Club. Like if they let me in, like it's going to tip the scale. It's going to like break the... Thank you.

Well, the first rule is don't talk about Fat Club. Dan, what is happening here? Let's talk about it. Let's break it down. It was super conceptual. It just didn't fly. Let's let Dan respond. I want to see what his answer is. I'm too heavy to fly, Doug.

Stick with me, Dan. Don't let Doug distract you. Look right at me, Dan. Look at my eyes. How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost two years. Really? Yes. Fuck.

Let's take this one step at a time here, Dan. Fat Club, is that a thing you've done on stage before? Yes. How does that normally go? It normally works. I don't know. It's just the shock. I think my pace was off. It don't know. It's just the shock. I think my pace was off. It normally does fine.

There's more to it. You're not fat. You're like LA fat. Is that what you mean? I don't get it. It's like one acceptance. I'm not fat yet, but I'm in transition. Fat is my preferred body type adjective. I don't see weight. I only see color. It's funny that your post set comments are getting laughs.

It's part of the bit. So the bit is longer. So you go on for three or four minutes? We saw the build-up, but not the jokes? I love it when people come on the show and give us their one-minute setup, by the way. If more comedians could do that, that always works out perfectly. It's my bad. I love it.

It's my bad. I'm not good with setups, and I guess I should have picked this up by now. I'm not good with setups. I'm not good with punchlines. I'm a failure at life. Oh, we all are. The Lifetime Network presents the comedian who is not good at setups. Dan, I want to keep this going here.

I want to really get serious with you. What fat club are you talking about? Yeah. Because a very big part of this working depends on you being honest and real. So I've never heard of a fat club. Is that a real thing? Did you really try to join it?

Okay. Somebody that's fat just spoke up. Oh, it's a thing Put down the cheese It's real Basically I'm getting fatter But all my friends who are like bigger than I am Are like dude you're not fat

But I'm like I just I had to buy new pants You had to buy new pants So I feel fat But I'm not accepted in that community yet Is that true? What do they do that they yet. Is that true? So the fat club is... What do they do that they don't let you do?

They don't let me call myself fat. So what do they say when you call yourself fat? I said that in the minute. I was rushing. Did you get a letter that said you're not allowed? I got a letter of rejection. I'd just like to give a shout out. We actually have the president of the fat club right here sitting next to

Pat Reagan. El presidente. What do you think about this guy president? What do you got for him? Would you accept him as a fat guy? Well, hey. Yes. How can the Spanish isn't going to help?

First wasn't funny. Oh, shit. He's saying your jokes are skinny. What? He's like, he's like, he's like, that shit is thin, son.

In his defense, he only had a minute so he had to trim the fat yeah I needed to cut the fat exactly if we're gonna be stupid up here it's a pretty heavy topic El Presidente thank you for that awesome appearance

I love it when I can fly out to the I love it when the audience is funnier than the comedians by the way here's a bone they just fucking crank it out of the park. Everybody else like, I have to do this for a living. This guy's just having fun. Anyway. He did it off mic, though, right?

Well, no. That picked it up. Oh, okay. He's loud enough. We give Pat a special microphone. He's loud near the Pat mic. Because he brings, obviously, morons with him to the show sometimes. Have you thought about helping him spit out

by like getting body implants like Taylor Swift? That has not crossed my mind at all. Why do you keep looking at yourself in the mirror? I've noticed that you more than anybody I've ever seen on the show. He's watching everybody behind him. I'm just trying to see how fat he looks. Do you have a

real issue here? I do. I have body issues. Are you being serious? You have body issues? I'm trying to laugh about it. What's underneath the hoodie? Let's see what's underneath the hoodie. I'm trying to laugh about it. How old are you, Dan? Would you take your shirt off?

I'm 24 years old. Big areolas. Big areolas. I didn't say lift up your shirt, Dan. Let's see the areolas. You were hiding it very well. That's why we're hiding it. You were doing a great job hiding it.

We did not need to know that. Dan, what do you think the problem is? What are you eating so much of? Other than shit problem is? What are you eating so much of? Other than shit on stage. What are you eating so much of? I just love food in general. Who doesn't? I can't think of a food that I don't

like. You can't think of a food who you don't like. I love that you relate it as human beings now. Who are the food? I'm happy to meet any food. I will not turn them away from my event. What's your favorite, Dan? Come on.

I mean like burritos, pizza, hamburgers. Well. He's crazy. A real foodie. What about scorpions? I've never had scorpion. How about butt plugs? Never had butt plugs either.

Dan, so tell us something about yourself that's interesting. You're 24. What do you do for work? 24? I work at a small toy company. A small toy company? Jesus Christ. The fatter he gets, the smaller the toys are.

Sorry, Dan. We're being silly. His face made me nervous. Small toy company. There goes our next three minutes, everybody. What kind of small toys are we talking about here? No, no.

No, no is immediate the first thing that comes out of his mouth after he tells us small toy company. Small as in the size of the business is small? The company is small. The company is small. It's not tiny toys. Educational. Very large toys in a very small building.

Vibrators for Asians. Educational robot and science kits. That's why it's small because nobody cares. Yeah, exactly. Okay. But why don't you talk about that more? I mean, I get it that you want everybody to know you're in between fat and thin. But why not talk about the small toy company?

You're not allowed? Did you get a letter from them too? I've tried. I haven't written anything good. Small toy humor is really hard to come by. It's an untapped source. I'll work on it. I might steal it.

I just think he needs to... I think that didn't work today, but he says it works. If it's longer, I understand. So maybe the longer version works. Dan, here's my thing, is that you're talking about being right on the line between fat and skinny. And in order for that joke to even work, you're going to have to stay that exact same size until you capture it on something. And if you have three or five minutes invested into it already, then

I mean, fuck. You're sort of trapping yourself into being this fucking schlubby, not quite cool and fat like that guy, and not quite a cold-blooded healthy assassin like myself. I can't believe he keeps pointing to you and calling you a fat person. Do you guys

know each other? He gets it, man. Alright, well he's gonna kill me after the show. Who gives a fuck? Finally it happened. So many episodes of Kill Tony. And finally. Here we go. Lazy comics.

All right, Dan. Anything else interesting about you other than the fact that you're on the line between fat and skinny? Yeah, I am. My parents are. Stop looking at yourself. This is bothering me. It's easier for me to look at myself than to look at myself.

This is what my niece does. My little girls do that. Don't do that. All right, I won't look at you. Look how handsome Doug is. Give a look at him. Look how sexy he is. Look at how fat I am. Would you like me to pull out a nipple? Is that easier for you to look at? Whose nipple?

The blind guy just lifted up his sunglasses. Alright, Dan, I'm done with you. Dan Ramirez, there he goes. Big guy, 4x4. The number 4x4. Keep going, Dan. I immediately got into blind club. Immediately, right off the bat, I got into blind club. Immediately, right off the bat,

got into blind club. Really? Yeah, because you can't be between sort of blind. You're just blind. Legally blind, they call it. Put your hands together for the Veerzy Triplets, everybody. The Veerzy Triplets.

What? Oh, I'm so excited! Yes! No way! Give him one microphone! Oh, wow! Thank you! Wow! There we go.

Wow! Fun fact about us, guys. We were once famous child stars Or as our dad called us His three little pensions And a lot of people now are saying Like the Verzi triplets They're washed up Or they peak too early in life

And that's just not true okay We're doing a stand up show On a Monday night In the attic of the comedy store We're crushing it right now. Killing it. Back in the day, we did a whole bunch of commercials, but our favorite one was when we were 10 years old.

We got to do a Subway commercial with Jared. Hey, hey, hey. Jared is so nice. He's a true professional. True professional. I remember the first day on set, we were having trouble with our lines. So in order to help us learn them, Jared invited us to a sleepover.

Oh, my gosh, guys. It was so much fun. We got to go skinny dipping in his pool and play Twister in our underwear. And the best part is we learned the line. Do you guys still remember it? Yeah. We love Jared's football. Oh.

We love Jared's footlong. You couldn't hold the bear for a second to let him finish that punchline? No, Brian's a real asshole. He's really strict. It was one minute, 15 seconds. I already gave him 15 seconds. You gave him extra time. Everybody knows about

the Kill Tony triplet clause. But that's amazing. Everybody knows that. That's amazing that triplets would talk about Subway like that because you were finishing each other's sandwiches. Like only real artists can do. Wow. One more time for the Veerzy triplets, everyone.

I am very excited about this. I actually walked through the OR earlier tonight when the open mic was happening, and I actually got to see you guys on that stage, and I was sitting in the back of the room laughing very hard, because you guys have a very interesting energy about

you. It's almost like if the ambiguously gay duo was all related to each other, like if they were just brothers. I feel like you guys know that you're sort of douchey, and you own it. But you own it. Hi! It makes you impervious. We're triplets, and we shop for shirts together.

I love this. How many different color V-necks do you guys have? This is incredible. Do you have to have a conversation before, like, I'm wearing blue tonight. Fellas. Do you guys live together? Wow, do you guys have bump beds?

Can I come over? Yeah, yeah, I do. Do you guys want to be my brother husbands? Sure, yeah. That sounds like a fun thing. Don't brother husbands? Sure, yeah. Oh, that sounds like a fun thing. Don't get down on it, Doug. Big night. No, I said it's fun.

Help me out. Sounds fun. Fiercey triplets. How long have you guys been performing? Everybody wants to do triplets. Well, we started in... Vaudeville? Did you guys start in Vaudeville?

Yeah, Vaudeville. Vaudeville. Fucking... How long, guys? Well, we've been doing improv together for like two or three years. And then I was doing solo. I'd go with three. Three.

Whatever. Keep going. Does anyone have three bullets? Ignore that voice in your head. And then I was doing solo stand-up for three years before that. Oh, that's why you're taking control of the mic. A little bit. It's my fucking time to show. It didn't really work out, so that's why

I had to bring the two of us on board. Oh, shit. Wait, wait, wait. Guys, I can't make it without you. I want the one in the middle to say something right now. It's his turn. I'm just part of the gimmick.

He's not even related to these fucking guys. They just had a casting call. They're like, hey, are you between 5'6 and 5'7? 5'4. Are you guys from Jersey? Where are you from? No, we're from Simi Valley. Get the fuck out of here.

Really? It's like you were grown in Jersey. Simi. Is that a good thing? I'm just judging you on your tight top. That's it. It was like you were grown in Jersey. Simi. Is that a good thing? I'm just judging you on your tight top. That's it. It's so gay. You might want to call yourselves the Piven triplets.

The what? Piven. Or the Ari Gold triplets. Like a little ship. Yes. Like Jeremy Piven. A little bit. You guys are so...

It's funny. You guys are real triplets? Yeah. Really? Well, the one in the middle. Why are you so You guys are real triplets? Yeah. Really? Well, the one in the middle, why are you so much buffer than the other two? Yeah, they don't work out as hard. What's the story here? I bought a shirt that actually fits me.

Oh. I was going to guess more prison time. No, if anything, he's fatter. He's the fatter one. Oh, is he between fat? Should he join fat club? Do you lift, bro? Do you even lift?

We do lift. Who is first? We're in order. Yeah, we're down the line. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's good. They kept track of that. Have you ever shared a lady together?

Have you ever done any of that kind of stuff? I'm auditioning if you do. She's the first. Because I bet you guys would really wreck a pussy based on what your moms probably look like after having you guys. Can I introduce you to my friend Three Holes Eleanor?

Eleanor? Eleanor, not Lenore, fucker. Your mom's name's Lenore? Yeah. I hate my life. I fucking hate my life. Was Lenore, was she born old? Shut up, Doug!

Eleanor's not as bad, but when I was a kid, my parents told me if I was a girl, they were going to name me Eleanor, so I dodged that bullet. I knew I felt a connection to you. Guys, what's your story? What do you do for work? What's something interesting about you guys?

Do you juggle? This is going to add to probably the Jersey stereotype. We all do construction for my dad. I knew it was creepy. So when one of you jerks off, does another one feel it? Like, hey, dude, what's going on over there? Just knocking on the walls and shit? Only if it's in their face.

Gotcha. Too far. Too far. Hey, hold on. Let's move it over. Fucking solo, right? What kind of apartment is it? Three bedrooms? Or what's the story? I'm interested in this layout. And are there bunk beds? We all share

an apartment. It's just three bunk beds up to the roof. Are you serious? No, I'm not serious this layout. And are there bunk beds? We all share an apartment and it's just three bunk beds up to the roof. Are you serious? I'm not serious. No. That'd be magic. I've never seen three bunk beds.

That seems like it'd be dizzying for the top guy. Yeah. So you guys were child stars mostly commercials or was there a TV show? We were on the season finale of ER and then we just did like

ten commercials. Wow. Series finale of ER and then we just did like 10 commercials. Series finale of ER? Or season? Which season? Eight. Oh, okay. And it went 10 years. I love that you pretend like you can't remember

the number of the season. It's seven or eight. I didn't remember. Really? I saw headshots of it outside. I love it when you guys crack each other up. This is why I have to give it. Really?

At least if you have three people on stage, at least you can laugh at each other if the audience isn't laughing. But I also think that you should do a thing where the green shirt, you do all jokes about weed, and the guy in the blue shirt, you do all dirty jokes, blue jokes, and you already established the guy in the middle

barely is involved. Yeah. That'd be funny if every once in a while when he did speak, he was just like, I'm just here for the triplets thing. Yeah. I'm just here for the pussy! I get a third of the check, and I get the pussy. Yeah, why not? Now, this is the first time I've seen

you guys at the Comedy Store. Is it your first time here? You guys have been venturing out. You come a lot. I've never seen. I would have seen this. We came here one other night about a couple weeks ago. How'd that go? What happened then?

Anything? It was a Sunday show, so it was a show up go. Interesting. Any triplet stories? Anything interesting that you guys can share with us that we might find? Did the three of you ever share the same girlfriend? And not let her know?

You don't want your brother touching your girlfriend. Oh, that's a good point. But what if she's skanky? Yeah, what if she's like hanging out with blue shirt? What if her name is Eleanor? What if a girl's hanging out with blue shirt and she's like you know what, I like you,

but to be honest with you, I just wish you had a little more muscle and a thicker neck. Is there any way you could put in a word with your brother for me? Wouldn't that sort of just be helping him out? She usually doesn't tell him. It's just like behind his back. Oh!

Oh! You fearsome girl. What ethnicity are you guys? White. That's a very interesting answer. Bullshit. Say it right. Thank you for asking that. We already answered that.

What are you? He's one of the triplets now. You're Italian? There you go. Italian, German. Can you sing? Can we sing? Yeah, like, you know, maybe they need to refresh the cast of Jersey Boys somewhere.

Can we get like Hanson or something? If we got some Hanson. Double mint is not triple mint, you dummy. I have a question for the brothers. Jesus. So what's the story? I feel like you guys would be on a party on the Gronkowski yacht or something like that. What do you guys do for fun?

What do we do for fun? Well, we like to go out. This guy doesn't drink. Like what? Give us an example of something. You guys ever pull some amazing trickery or anything like that? Anything. It looks like we go out and party a lot.

We definitely don't. Why does one of you not drink? How did that happen? It's like more of a protein guy. He didn't get the good G. He's into his body. It's called the V-trial. I just never got into it.

It fucks everything up. Now this is really boring. You think all three of you would be alcoholics? Which one of you gets the most pussy? Oh. What an amazing moment that was awesome that was so awesome of course the guy who's completely

disconnected gets most pussy that's true the last girl he had we called the Texas landfill she was a Jesus Christ what does that even mean she was from Texas. She was a... Jesus Christ. Wait, what? What does that even mean? She was from Texas, and she was a landfill?

I put my land in her. I filled her up with my land. That's crazy. Is she in a landfill right now? What happened to her? Is she dead yet? Oh, we met a girl. She's six feet under.

We put three two-inch dicks in her. Combined at six. Combined at six. That still doesn't add up to six feet. I mean, do you have to split up the dick when you're a baby? Do you guys have the normal-sized dick, or did you each get one-third of a dick? Oh, that's a good point.

We've never actually measured. You should figure out who's bigger. Well, it just so happens that we have a yardstick. Oh! Dick contest! Dick contest! I get the feeling these might be a little bit longer than a yard, though. But seriously, that's a hilarious bit for you guys to do about how we don't know the size of each other's dicks.

We actually kind of do. You do? Well, then you should have done that one tonight instead of that thing you did do. Yeah. No, you guys are great. If you guys had to guess which one had the bigger dick, which one would you guess? Me? Yeah.

Wow, he keeps raising his hand. No matter what the question is, he raises his hand. Who's got the bigger dick. Which one would you guess? Me? Yeah. Wow, he keeps raising his hand. No matter what the question is, he raises his hand. Who's got the biggest dick? Who's the least funny? Who deserves the less mic time? He raises his hand for everything. I know my, there he goes. I know my jersey pull.

Who do you got, Eleanor? Sorry, that's Italian. Who do you think's got the biggest penis out of the three of them? The one in the middle. The one in the green shirt looks like he really hopes you're going to say him. Like he's going to get an award or something. I'm not going for the baby. I think they have identidics.

I bet you they're, because everything else looks the same. So big you could trip over it. All right, fucking, it is stupid. Triple, all right. Triple, triple, I like it. All right. Fucking stupid. All right. Triple. Triple. I like it. Now, what makes you guys sad?

Obviously, you guys lift a lot of weights. What is it that pumps you up? Is it somebody die in your family? Something like tragic? Anything sad? Is there anything interesting about you three guys? What a weird thing to say to triplets. Anything interesting about you? How big are you? We're fucking triplets. Anything interesting about you?

How big are you? We're fucking triplets. We're coasting on that for our entire lives. What are you guys afraid of? Oh. Do you have separate fears? Come on, say it. Snakes and scorpions are already taken.

What'd you say? My fear is that if I were ever to be sterile, that I'd have to ask one of them to put the baby or the sperm in my womb. That's a fear? They would be helping you out, dude. And the baby's gonna be the same shit anyway. Yeah, but

for his entire life, he will know for sure that that is not his kid. It is ours. He's gonna have the same shit. Yeah. Yeah, it's the same shit, man. Plus, mostly. Yeah.

We need better fears. What's your fear, blue shirt? Yeah. Heights. Heights. Definitely doesn't have the biggest dick, which we just learned. He's just used to be the same size as two other guys, so heights are scaring him. Anytime I don't see my brothers.

That sounded like Katharine Hepburn. Green shirt. I was going to say snakes and scorpions, but... You have a little bit of a lisp. Do all three of you have that? He does, he does. They're both like... He has a little whistle, too, when he talks. Oh, my God. He whistles a he does. They're both like, they're both, yeah. He has a little whistle, too, when he talks.

Oh, my God. He whistles a little bit. You had a fucking speech impediment when you were... So we found out when mom has to hold all three babies, I think we just found out which one she dropped a couple times, everybody. Looks like it's a little green shirt there. Hold on, hold on. I had the highest grades.

Wait, what? That doesn't mean shit now. It doesn't mean shit now, but... I love it. You guys, your act should be you come out on stage and start bragging about why each one of you is the best. Yeah.

You know what I mean? It should be like a competition. I love it. That's funny. That's very funny. You guys have an amazing, likable chemistry. You guys are totally douchey, but you own it completely,

and it makes you impervious to it, so that's like a thing. I'm telling you, there's a lot of people. It's like we can't see the word affliction on your shirts, but it is there. And as long as you know that we know that, and it seems like you guys do, because, I mean, you dress like it. You're showing off the guns. You're playing into it a bit. You know what I mean?

So I think that that's awesome, and I'm excited to see more of you guys. That should be the first thing you do when you run on stage is just all just start striking poses. Yeah. And just like almost like they're about to see a strip show, and then you tell them fucking dick jokes. You're definitely our first ever set of triplets. We've never had triplets in comedy ever. We've never had three I've never seen triplets in comedy ever. We've never had three people bomb

at the same time on this stage. So it was incredible. There they go, the Verzi twins, everybody. Nice to meet you guys. Thank you. There they go.

Fuck yeah. They're coming in for handshakes. All right, sure, Verzi twins. They're guineas. Leave them alone. Triplets.

These guys with their handshakes. I love it. The guy in the red shirt had softer hands. Oh, shit. This is the part of the show where we're going to... Okie dokie. I guess I'm going to bow down to the lawyer who obviously has something.

Go ahead, lawyer. I just wanted to say that my dick is one-eighth yard stick. Alrighty. Jesus Christ. Yeah, well you only get to talk every once in a while. You should make sure it's really good. Like really save

up a good one and then drop it. Oh, okay. Total train wreck. I love it. Unedited. That's how I give Brian edit points when he listens back to the show. I just say, unedited, everybody, and then you never hear that.

Anyway, this is the part of the show where you have two regulars that go up every single week. They write and perform a brand new minute every week, and then if there's any time left, we'll go to the bucket afterwards if there is time left. We've never gone back to the bucket. Yeah, we do it now. We go back to the bucket sometimes. I like going back

to the bucket. Yeah, it's fun. Alright, so going up first this week, you know her as a Kill Tony regular, you know her, you love her, the always nervous, fun stylings of Melissa Esslinger, everybody. I recently gave up giving a fuck because it's hard to do that when you have only

six dollars at all. I'm sleeping on the floor, don't giving a fuck because it's hard to do that when you have only six dollars at all. I'm sleeping on the floor, don't give a fuck, eating bologna sandwiches three times a day. Didn't really change from before, so I don't give a fuck. Anyway, I've recently discovered also that, not that recent, but living in LA, like everything just feels like high stakes like one day you're fine and the next you're mixing water in your juice this is going accordingly

I feel good about uh the fact that I saw a drunk man pass out on the bus I feel like I deserve to live here now nobody did anything I was sitting next to a nurse but he was drunk so fuck him right don't give a fuck I don't know that's not funny anyway I'm done

there you go a minute for Alyssa Esselstyn that's fun I shouldn't have gave up at the end there's a couple parts where you're just saying There you go. A minute for Melissa Esselman. Melissa! That's fun. I shouldn't have gave up at the end. There's a couple parts where you're just saying things where you don't even have jokes for. You're sleeping on the floor. You're eating bologna sandwiches. Nothing changed much there.

You're just saying that you did that before what? Before what? Yeah. When you say nothing changed there, what do you mean? I got to work on that in the sense that I still drink juice boxes and stuff and my friends make fun of me for

being a child that's a totally different joke altogether that has nothing to do with the floor or bologna sandwiches well it's kind of it ties back if I actually had or mixing water with your juice what was that about one day everything's fine the next you're mixing water is that because you can't afford juice so you mix water with your juice. What was that about? Yeah, one day everything's fine. The next you're mixing water with your juice.

Is that because you can't afford juice, so you mix water with it? Yeah. I got it, but, you know. That's a perfect example. You kind of have to explain it, because I was like, what? Water juice?

I have no idea what you're talking about. Yeah, Brian's too rich to have water juice. Yeah. Yeah. I only mix Fiji water in with my juice. It's like crazy. I still drink water juice. Water juice?

The juice of delicious water? Water in there, yeah. Really? Yeah, it makes it last longer. What the fuck? What the hell? Are you serious? I'm just too fucking lazy to go to the store.

I'm never going to Eleanor Care. But that's part of your... Hey, hon, you want a glass of juice or something oh yeah sure this tastes like shit uh is this flint water so but that's gonna be part of her experience growing as a comic is like you're like a you're a very much an individual like i don't know anybody like you. You're different. You're special. But you also need to find ways that what you're saying can connect to the audience

rather than just water juice, which everyone's like, what does that mean? You know what I mean? Something worked there two-thirds of the way through. Was that again? I said that this was going accordingly. Which is funny how proper that is.

This is going accordingly. Nobody needs ever an update on this show. We all know because it's a real super live show. I meant it was going accordingly with the way things have been in my life. Well, tell us about that. You're saying things at this part that you're not with the way things have been in my life. Whoa, well tell us about that. You're saying things at this part that you're not saying. What's going on in your life? Somebody got it. You're entertaining yourself.

Other than drinking a shit ton of water juice, what else is going on right now? In a matter of three days, I lost my car, my job ended, and oh my God. That's your opening line, what you're saying right now. She did it last week I wish I was here last week

I would have loved that so much and then not had any criticism you can talk about the same subject and have different material about it you know and then put all that together later on in a longer set is there anything else about losing your job or losing your car that you have written? yeah oh yeah

like what? like jokes or things that I'm like Is there anything else about losing your job or losing your car that you have written? Yeah. Oh, yeah. A lot. Like what? Like jokes or things that I'm, like, figuring out. Sure. Any. Either way. Well, like, it's hard. It's like it's kind of liberating when you don't have, like, a schedule because, I mean, it sucks riding the bus.

But if you don't have a job, it, like, doesn't really matter because if it takes too have a job, it doesn't really matter. Because if it takes too long. See, it's not jokes yet. It's just thoughts. Yeah, I think Oscar Wilde said that. Well, it's easy to. I think. No, go ahead. Finish your Oscar Wilde.

Yeah. Because that's what she aspires to be. Come on, Pat. I was going to ask if my lawyer had any notes Come on, Pat. I was going to ask if my lawyer had any notes. Yeah, lawyer. Oh, yeah. Drag him into it.

You jump in. He doesn't see clearly. I'm no comedian. Oh, we know. I'm a lawyer, but she did better than I do in my opening statements. Right, because opening statements, you're not trying to get laughs Right exactly So yeah that's a good point

I love how funny Pat thinks you are Like I don't know what your guys exact relationship is But the way that Pat laughs At the shit that you say it's unbelievable It's so funny that it makes me laugh He gives Pat hilarious hand jobs Yeah I'm just a lawyer That's it It's so funny that it makes me laugh. He gives Pat hilarious hand jobs. Yeah.

I'm just a lawyer. That's it. So, Esslinger, you lost your car. You know, it's part of the game. What else is happening? It's all struggle. You're sleeping on the floor. Do you really eat multiple bologna sandwiches a day?

I did for the days that I only had $6. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if the struggle is necessarily the answer in terms of, like, what she should be doing on stage. Because, like, you know, then every comic that's just starting out would just be whining about how bad their lives are. Right. So, like, but, you know, you know, there's no reason to even tell you. Like, you know that, like, you need to generate jokes each week. You're doing a great job.

You're here every week. And doing it on a weekly basis isn't easy, and it's not always going to work. And you've been very consistently doing good. Yeah. Keep up the good work. And just remember, it's all about jokes. And don't acknowledge the sets.

This is going. Save that for open mics where you need to just win over comedians. Because we know how it's going. Just focus on the jokes and let everything else fall into place. Because when you have longer sets, you're going to be able to do things and riff around. Because you're comfortable anyway. You're comfortably uncomfortable. You are very comfortable in your uncomfortableness.

It's like her thing. It's been a huge change. I was here the first time she did this show, and she was shaking like that was her act. Like a lawyer? Whoa. Like a Polaroid picture? Yeah, she was shaking like a Polaroid picture.

But now we know that if you shake it, it's just going to make the colors run, and it's stupid. Don't do that. Right. And yeah, so just keep it up. Melissa Esslinger, everybody. There she goes.

Melissa Esslinger. We have one other regular. She writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. You know her. You love her. Put your hands together for Vanessa Johnston, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Vanessa Johnston, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you. Yesterday, someone asked me, Vanessa, do you think you're better than me? And I was like, no, dude, that is so beneath me. Surprised you guys laughed at that. Stand-up is weird, man. Like, this dynamic is so strange because you guys are like the hot girl and then i'm up here going is this funny is this funny do you like this do you want to see me again i'll do anything and i'm just up here with this dick in my hands and it fucks with me

I'm pretty sure every comic that's ever committed suicide was after performing in front of an audience that didn't laugh enough no pressure but I'm done there you go Vanessa Johnson

57 seconds I love that I love her I love this suicide thing Because you know like a guy jumped off of the building right next door A comedian I mean it's too old of a reference for you to drag that into it But it's still like you know

It's an interesting point I love that set I love that you're owning You know being good looking and the fact that you're making jokes about it and really even, you know, calling yourself hot in front of an audience and still being able to win them over is like, that's incredible, especially at the stages that you're at now.

And you're owning that voice, and that's so critical. You're doing what what i think you are with like how we were just talking about melissa esslinger like how she was like nervous and jittery and now she's like controlled nervous well you're like controlled confidence and i think that it's really super cool and i think that's a especially a set tonight that showcased that um eleanor kerrigan oh thank you i this is my first. Oh, thank you. This is my first time. Thank you. Thank you, man. This is my first time seeing you, and that was fucking awesome. Thank you.

Yeah, I liked it. A lot of times girls go on stage and they're like, oh, people think you're too hot. I didn't mean to include me and say where. You're gorgeous. I know what the fuck I look like. I gotta try harder. I get it. Guys, I'm going for the Caitlyn Jenner.

Anyway. That's right. Just make your voice deeper. Adam's apple. Get an Adam's apple. Yeah. No, you're hot. And I've seen girls be like, oh, I got to fucking tie my hair up and not put makeup on.

Fuck that. Own it. Fuck yeah. You're funny. Own it and tell them. Right. But also, she doesn't go crazy with a bombshell outfit either. She's dressed like a... No outfit either. She's dressed normally.

A lot of girls will go up in a fucking hoodie and a fucked up bun, and I'd like to piss them. Right, they dress down too much. I hate that. She's attractive but also not pushing the agenda. She's not rubbing dirt on her face before walking in to be like, I just want them to like me. Rubbing dirt on her face and pulling your shirt down lower.

It's perfect. It's great. You look great. You sound great. You're confident. Yeah, it's fun. Anything fun happening in life? In normal life?

I mean, I fucked a chick this weekend. What? I mean, I haven't called in time. Why was not that the entire minute? You fucked a chick. I wish I could do that. Well, it doesn't get any better than that. Can we give her another minute?

No, give her several minutes. Let's get her a spot downstairs. You should have finished your set tonight with, and I fucked a chick, good night. He had that last three seconds. You could have threw the pussy in there. Sorry. Is that your thing in general or are you bisexual?

I'm bisexual, yeah. Okay. Nice. But that's a great thing to bring up, that whole bisexual thing. She's like a YouTube poet, which I didn't even know that was like a thing. A YouTube poet. How hip. That's hot.

Wow. What coffee shop did you guys meet? That's incredible. Hopefully we'll hear about it in another sec. YouTube poet is a great job because you need no qualifications. You just post on

YouTube you doing poetry and you're a YouTube poet. Can you imagine the fucking hate comments underneath YouTube poetry? Just like, that's not that well written. Vanessa Johnson, you did it again. There she goes. Thank you.

Catch her and Melissa Esslinger on the Kill Tony poster available at ryanjebelt.com. And goddamn, if he didn't draw tonight's episode again with a one-star reference. You throw me the idol, I'll throw you the whip. That's a great... And Indiana Jones also hates snakes. That looks exactly like Eleanor Kerrigan and Doug Benson. Yeah, I'll throw you the whip. That's a great... And Indiana Jones also hates snakes. That looks exactly like Eleanor Kerrigan and Doug Benson.

Yeah, it's really good, dude. Really good. Love it. You can check it out on the front patio. He's also slinging the official Kill Tony poster. You can take it home with you tonight. Find us on the front patio after the show. We're also going to be doing spots in the original room later on.

Stand-up comedy. Catch me at Chicago Zany's. Cap City Austin. So many other great things. Jamie Vernon on the HD camera. Josh Martin. Pat Reagan. What's happening? Matt Murdock on my fucking lawyer. Patty Reagan on Twitter. I'm going to kill myself. Colorado Street Bridge this week.

Doug Benson. Douglosmovies.com. Eleanor Kerrigan. I'll be in Vegas April 21st, 22nd, and 23rd at the Laugh Factory. Catcher Vegas Laugh Factory, April 22nd, 23rd, and 24th. Brian Redband and I are going to be at the Wild West Comedy Festival in Nashville, Tennessee. And we'll be drinking Mangria.

Heck yeah, we will. The delicious, delicious flavors of Mangria. Thank you so much, live audience. Have a great night, everybody. Good night. No! Hey, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, then what makes, then what makes, then what makes, then what makes good? Never you you you you you you you