KILL TONY - KILL TONY #152

Episode Date: April 28, 2016

Luis J. Gomez, Mike Lawrence , Josh Martin, Jeremiah Watkins, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 04/18/2016 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Search the iTunes store for Kill Tony and hit subscribe. Also, if you go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates, you see all our live shows. Not only are we at the comedy store every Monday for Kill Tony, every Tuesday we got Roast Battle, and every first and third Friday we're at the Ice House in Pasadena for the Death Squad comedy show this friday death squad is going to be in santa barbara with san tripoli and christina medrano medrano but we're going to be playing at the velvet jones this friday in santa barbara so

check that out also me and tony are going to be in Nashville, Tennessee, May 22nd. And you can check that out. Again, go to DeathSquad.tv. Click on Tour Dates. Also, don't forget Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com, for all the Tony Hinchcliffe news, tour dates, and merchandise. RyanJEBelt.com for the Death Squad posters. He has been drawing every single episode of Kill Tony,

and you can get all the prints over at his website, including the really badass movie poster that we always talk about. And don't forget ShopSquad.tv. That's the official Death Squad merchandise, including the hats and the t-shirts, all the Death Squad merch. All right, guys, here's a brand new

episode of kill tony hey this is refran coming to you live from the real famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 3. Here it is for Tony Hinchcliffe. Two, two, yes, yes, yes. Hi, everybody. Come on, Monday night, you can make more fucking noise than that. Let's do it. That's Josh Martin, Jamie Vernon on the HD camera.

Brian Red Band is sitting right next to me, everybody. Hey, guys. Keep it going for Brian, everyone. Come on. And the music stylings of Pat Reagan. House artist Ryan J. Ebeld has already started drawing tonight's episode. He starts

off with a blank sheet of paper and he draws every episode. And that's happening. He has print of every single show. You can get those at ryanjebeld.com plus the official Kill Tony poster. Hi, Brian. How's it going? Hi, Tony. Hi, everybody. How are you?

It's a real live show. Hey, Tony, we got a 420 show here. Death Squad has a 420 show here with one of our guests who's on the show. So tickets are this Wednesday. So tickets are on sale right now. I love that. We're moving this show to the main room

of the Comedy Store in June of this year, ladies and gentlemen. June. June. The show that you're at right now is going down. We've been here three years in June. 151 weeks. 151 episodes.

Three years is 151 weeks? Yes, it is, Pat. There's no way because there's 52 weeks in a year. That's an even number. How could three even numbers multiplied together turn out to be an odd number? We've done 151 by the time June comes around. I said June is three years.

And plus, this is an episode right here, believe it or not. I know you're not acting like it, but we're live right now. That's the one and only Pat Reagan, ladies and gentlemen. Brand new album on Spotify, which I love. Which I love. How else can we find it? Everywhere. Just Pat Reagan and the Baby Boys.

It's on Bandcamp, iTunes, everything. I love that. We have a lot of promos here that we're plowing through. A couple more for you. I'm in Cap City in Austin, Texas next week. Kansas City, I'm coming back in June. And I'm doing the Wilbur Theater in Boston, Massachusetts October 8th. That's a really big deal.

That's a really big deal. No big deal though. Let's do it, shall we? Let's bring up tonight's guest. Anything else? Mangria. Oh, yes. How could I forget? One of my favorite drinks of all time. I have been getting

wasted on Adam carolla's man greea wine cocktail uh this is the original orange um that's that's my favorite one it's it's pretty much sangria but it's like twice the amount of alcohol than it should be and it's it just fucks you up you share a bottle with a girl you don't need any of that cosby medication or anything like that that does the job right there. There you go. Mangria. Thank you. That's the way to do it. For those of you that are into rape, Mangria. It's the one for you.

So, yeah, we're doing Nashville. Kill Tony. Kill Tony. The show that you're at is in Nashville at the Wild West Comedy Festival. That's May 22nd, a Sunday night. We're coming back the next day back home for you guys for our last belly room Kill Tony before switching over to June

so let's do it shall we you're at the number one live podcast in the world ladies and gentlemen will you make some noise for the people watching on Ustream people watching on Ustream now you know that audience is real every single week I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on

this show. They sit in and we talk to people throughout the show. This week's no different. Two of the best. Killer New Yorkers. Killer human beings. Two of my favorite comedians. Put your hands together for the great Mike Lawrence and Louis J. Gomez. Here they are, live in the flesh.

Mike Lawrence, one of the most diabolical Kill Tony guests. Loved by the tens of thousands of diehard fans that we have. Luis J. Gomez, it's your first time. Welcome to the show. I'm very excited. Thank you for having me here. Louis is a co-host with Big J. Oakerson of the Legion of Skanks podcast, which might be one of my favorite podcasts that I've ever done in my entire life. We loved having you on, Tony.

And you're so much fun. I feel like I have to be nice because we're in L.A., right? It's not an L.A. thing at all. You're going to see. Everyone pretends to be nice. Okay, good. Yeah, exactly. You can feel the sadness of everyone realizing there isn't going to be a famous person here tonight. That's the most L.A. thing right now. I don't know either of these people. We decided to go funny instead of famous tonight.

We've had some of the most profoundly famous comedians on this show. Man, I have people who don't care if they're going to work again, so we actually get to give you our real opinions. It's really fun. Some of you may run shows and you'll never hire us based on what we tell you tonight. This is the biggest thing I'm doing all year.

And he has a child. You can be as mean as you want, Louis J. Don't hold back. And, you know, especially on our friend Pat Reagan over there. You know what? I wouldn't take that advice.

Pat, you're a real faggot. Yeah, I like this. In the schoolyard. But also a real dyke. Ooh, the horse of truth. He really is a faggot after all. Wow. Even the horse agrees completely.

People that got called faggots turned out to be like Bill Gates and stuff. Oh, okay, yeah. Bill Gates is hilarious. Faggot is just a meaner way to say guitar comic. Musician. Oh, the horse again agrees. And obviously the cow of truth as well for some reason. Actually, we had this Jeremiah, I have a co-host.

Yeah. He hasn't been around. I mean, he left the show in the middle of the show. Yeah, he got really fucking pissed at you. Two weeks ago. Two weeks. He got mad at me. Do you remember why he got mad at me?

I don't remember the part of the storyline. I don't remember what happened. I don't know what happened, but I was trying to get him to come back. Yeah. And got mad at me. Do you remember why he got mad at me? I don't remember the part of the storyline. I don't remember what happened. I don't know what happened, but I was like trying to get him to come back. Yeah. And he was like, fuck Tony. Right. He's he and he's like, I'm really mad. I'm really mad at Tony.

And I was like, well, Jeremiah, could you come back? So I don't know if he'll come back. Maybe I'll try to call him right now. Yeah. Are you calling him on your guitar? Yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, God.

Wow. Wow. There you go. Wow. You've been back for seven seconds, and you've already played the only two songs that you know on saxophone. Just... I just...

I want every comic to know that you are coming up here tonight to hopefully get the second biggest reaction of the show. Yeah. You better bring a bigger saxophone, bitches. You were good, but you weren't saxophone good, were you? Jeremiah, welcome back. That was fucking an awesome entrance. Thank you, Tony.

We've squashed our beef. It's great to be back. Right, yes. I love this. I didn't know this show just crossed with the WWE where we had secret rivalries. By God, it's Jeremiah!

Oh, he's got the saxophone of death! So here we go, guys. You know what happens. Comedians come on. They sign up. Over 40 comedians signed up tonight for the chance to come on stage and do 60 seconds of stage time and then talk to us afterwards. Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Oh, that's adorable.

Wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Okay. That just sounds like a motorcyclist leaving his family. The little, the old jungle bird of loneliness there at the end. So, let's jump right into it. Are you guys ready to start

Kill Tony episode 150 something? I'll do it if no one calls me a fucking faggot. Whoa. Well, it looks like you're not doing it because we already did that. Again. Calls me a faggot again. Whoa.

All right. Jeez. You don't have to be such a faggot about it. God hates guitar comics. I'm not a fucking guitar comic, Mike Lawrence. Listen to me one fucking time. I have fucking fans. I'm a fucking artist, man. I'm a fucking artist guitar comic, Mike Lawrence. Listen to me one fucking time. I have fucking fans. I'm a fucking artist, man.

I'm a fucking artist, like a real one. Okay, after going on a rant like that and not getting laughs, I guess you're an improviser too? No. No, dude. No, dude. I make fucking music, dude. I make fucking music from my fucking heart. I don't just do comic book references.

I have fucking fans. Whoa! Listen to my voice. music from my fucking heart. I don't just do comic book references. I fucking Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, you will never come close to my art That's true That's true. Yeah, because I'm like, force it away. It's true. That's right.

I believe it. Do you realize that I believe what I'm saying and that it's also true? Oh my God. Wow. Oh man, I wish I had done that to Ralphie May when he was on.

When you're like, oh my God. Listen, I am not a saxophone comic. I am an artist. Beautiful. Pat just confronted me like it was the beginning of a music video. I was like, what do you want to do with your life?

I want to rock. It's true. Wow. Do we even need to start tonight's show or can we just do this the whole time? Yeah. Just rock and make girls squirt. Fuck yeah. Okay.

That's what I do. Man, I just got Steven lynched. Yeah, but he's not an artist. He's a hack. Okie dokie. There's a lot happening. You want real feelings? You want uncensored, Pat?

No is the answer. I could already say yes to that. Who are you talking to right now? Guess who has beef with the show now, Tony? You know what? I'm fucking out of here. No, don't do it, Pat. Wait, what's he doing? He's coming back closer. Oh, my God.

Wait, maybe Jeremiah, if you play one half of a song, he'll come back. He's not coming back. Wow! Lewis Jay, welcome to Kill Tony, dude. Yeah, I think I bring a certain energy to it. I love it. This is beautiful.

Wow. My favorite part of that is that after it all, he really got more mad at being called a guitar comic than a faggot. It was really the one that he snapped at. I mean, I can't believe he said, don't call me... Oh, shit! Whoa!

Where did he come from? Where did he come from? Where did he come from? You guys been making fun of me when I'm not even in the fucking building? I think you were in the building, Pat. I think technically you were in the building. You just walked around. Wait, did he literally just do a Pac-Man?

How the fuck did that physically work? Oh, a video game reference. Yeah. Yeah. Because I've got rage, motherfucker. Wow. I can already say this is my favorite episode of Kill Tony ever,

and we have not touched the bucket yet. This is history. We've just started the great hipster wars of 2016. To be fair, I think you're both faggots. Yes. Perfect. So let's do it, shall we? I can't wait to see who the fuck has to follow this for 60 seconds.

Wow. Here we go. Pat, you all good? Yeah. Mike, you good? Yeah, I'm sorry, Pat. I said my piece. Wow. Here we go. Pat, you all good? Yeah. Mike, you good? Yeah, I'm sorry, Pat. I said my piece. I love you, Mike.

I love you too, Pat. Fuck yeah. You guys are going to get a coffee in Silver Lake tomorrow after all this. Let's go gentrify his neighborhood. Make Mike squirt. You like that, right? I pulled a name out of the bucket, ladies and gentlemen. Your first comedian tonight doing 60 Seconds Uninterrupted

goes by the name of Al Bamani. Now I look like Milhouse and Jeff Goldblum just had a kid. I was over at Ralph's looking at a box of condoms. Expiration date 2025. I put them back because I cannot live up to that kind of pressure. I like to listen to music before I go up because music doesn't just affect people. It also affects animals. Scientists did a study, found out that when cows listen to R.E.M., they make more milk.

Same study also said when cows listen to Barry White, they make more cows. Oh, yeah. Oh, never going to give you up. Oh, never going to quit. Oh, eat that Chick-fil-A. They also discovered that is how chocolate milk is made. Those of you all groaning, you know what?

You're intolerant. Lactose. Thank y'all. Fuck yeah. 45 seconds of Al Bamani. Oh. According to Jeremiah, Darth Vader's about to kill you.

I saw you at Roast Battle last Tuesday, and I just want to say I think it's really impressive that you're able to bomb in multiple formats. Takes a lot of talent. Oh, Al, you don't have to do your sad face after that. Jesus, how do you think that went?

It's getting hot in here, so hot, so take off all your clothes. That's good that we faded it out. Yeah, the audience felt our confidence. Al, your mouth is bugging me. It's too dry. Take some water. You're driving me out of my mind right now.

He's got a cotton mouth and... All right. He's a brave comic. He's able to do all the different sacred cow noises. All right. All right. Now it's contagious. That's what you did to the room, Al.

Yeah. You made everyone sad. It's airborne. I mean, you were out of breath when you got on stage, so immediately it was uncomfortable to watch you. And then all I kept on thinking was that you were out of breath, so I just didn't know what you were talking about. So let's get into it.

Let's slow it down. Obviously, you're not taking this bashing very well. So let's talk about it, Al. How's life going? How are you, buddy? Is everything okay? I like your approach. I know we've been shooting you with bullets,

so let's just slowly stick a sword inside of you. I just want to see if he can say anything at this point. He seems stuck. Al, are you okay? Had an asthma attack, so I'm just kind of getting over this. So you had an asthma attack when? Earlier today. Earlier today.

Not during my set. But then you sprinted on stage. Al, one thing to help you out right now, posture. You're gripping the mic. You're in a place of fear. So when he was saying whoever was watching, he was uncomfortable right at the beginning, it's because you were leaning in, and you brought the mic in, and it just felt uncomfortable. So try, take the mic out of the stand. take the mic out of the stand.

Take the mic out of the stand. Put a harmonica around your neck. Next step. Obviously. Step two. Yeah. I wanted to say that but I was afraid of the wrath I would incur. I'm a fucking artist.

Yeah. And then spend your whole life writing songs. Alright. Al. Let's talk about it. What's going on here? I'm a fucking artist! Yeah, and then spend your whole life writing songs. All right. Al, let's talk about it. What's going on here? How long have you been doing stand-up? Too long. All right, Al.

Not a funny answer. How long have you been doing stand-up? 14 years. 14 years! Holy shit. Mike's now having an asthma attack. Now Mike can't talk. He wrote that Goldblum Milhouse joke

when The Simpsons was first on the air. Dude, the fly just came out. This is gonna kill, man. You know Jeff Goldblum, star of the upcoming film Jurassic Park? Al, 14 years. The best set you've ever had. Where did that happen at?

Beaumont, Texas. Beaumont, Texas. What was that night like? Where he bought that shirt. 14 years. What was that night like, Al? Where was that at? LOL in Beaumont, Texas. LOL? The LOL Comedy Club, yeah.

It closed down since then. It closed down that night, right? It was the best night of my life. RIP to LOL. You've been doing comedy since 9-11. Yeah. He started it. He started 9-11.

Holy shit! He was performing in... The greatest tragedy was actually 8-11 when he started comedy. Overlooked. Never forget. Never forget. He bombed one set and then he immediately bombed another. This is incredible.

Some people say it didn't even happen. Al's set was an inside job. Looking like jokes can't melt that fast. side job. Looking like jokes can't melt that fast. So, Al, how much material do you think you have altogether? If you had to guess. 14 years. If you had to do a special with

jokes that you would want to put out there, how long do you think that special would be? 20 minutes, actually. Well, 19 minutes. Let's get real. Yeah, because the 45 seconds you did here tonight can't be part of it. So you talked about the condom pack. Is that true? You're not getting laid a lot?

Can we stop making this sadder? Yeah. Please, Tony. I can't handle it anymore. It's getting too sad up here. We could round it up and say he's been doing comedy for 15 years. Al, last time you got laid, what was that like? What happened?

When was that? Any answer to any of those questions will do, Al. Are you okay, dude? What's happening? I hooked up with a rocket scientist. Can you do this right now? I actually hooked up with a rocket scientist. Really?

Yeah. What was that like? I just came up. I went up drinking with a couple of my friends and said, hey, Al, she's looking to hook up. So I went up to her and said, hey, I got a big dick and know how to fuck. Let me fly you to the moon. That was your pickup line?

You brought none of that confidence with you on stage tonight. I love that you'll go up to a rocket scientist and be like, I have a huge cock, let's do this. And you come up here and between jokes you give a sad puppy face. When you came, did you say, blast off?

You fucked Al Bumani. What are you, a rocket scientist? Houston, we have a condo. Yeah. Al, where did that happen at? Where did you meet this girl? Houston, Texas. Houston, Texas.

That was his fucking city. Yeah, it's incredible. So you're at a bar. You're just hanging. And that actually worked. Yep. Did you go to her place or your place? My place.

How was that? She's a rocket scientist. What kind of place do you have? What do you do for work? I had a one bedroom. Where were you working at the time? Law office. Oh, that's pretty cool. Yeah. Where were you working at the time? Law office. Oh, that's pretty cool.

He's going to sue the fuck out of us. Al, what's going on in your head right now? I mean, I see like just pain. Are you thinking about quitting? No. You should. I mean, if I can

stand Mike Lawrence's smell, then I can stand this. Whoa, Jesus. People are taking shots. Yeah, good. Wow, Mike, people are turning on you. This is a very Roman Reigns situation. More like Dyke Lawrence. Am I right?

Oh, boy. I mean, only one of us has to wake up being him tomorrow, so I'm okay. Al, what's something cool about you? You've obviously taken a lot of shots here tonight. Stand up for yourself. Tell us something cool about you. What's a fun fact about Al Bamani that we would never guess? Do you really have a big dick?

Is that a thing, or did you just tell her that she'll never fucking notice? It'll just be too late by the time she finds out. Turned a one night stand into a three night stand. Wait, say that again? I turned a one night stand into a three night stand. Wow. Show us that dick. Show us that dick.

Show us that dick. Show us that dick. So great. What if there's like a porn agent tonight and that's how he gets discovered? Yeah. Are you talking length and girth or are you just saying that you have a big dick? Length and girth.

What are you talking about? Eight inches? Nine inches? Six and a half. That's not big. That's good, dude. I have the absolute biggest average-sized dick you've ever seen in your entire life.

And you know for a fact he added an inch. You just realized how lonely it is to be a rocket scientist. We have a song about average-sized dicks. You can just go right into it. I know, but Jeremiah wanted to play a rocket scientist. Oh, man. We have a song about average-sized dicks. You could just go right into it. I know, but Jeremiah wanted to play a sax. Okay, Al, this is a rough night. I feel like you're having a nightmare.

Everyone else is having a good time. Pat, stop turning on everybody today! Pat's always two inches from a meltdown tonight. I'm sort of loving this. All right, here's what's happening. Al, you didn't have a good set. We're going to move on thank you I love that Pat

I was showing my impression of Pat but yeah fuck it go ahead sure there he goes Al Bhamani everybody I don't really like the handshake thing guys let's not do that the rest of the show we don't do that here Lewis don't shake anybody else's hand or else then everybody's going to do that from now on

no more handshaking his hand was sweaty. I know. I don't ask for much, but please, don't make my guests not want to be here by shaking your peasant hands. Alright? Okay. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Here we fucking go.

Put your hands together for Manuel Herrera. Woo! Oh yeah How's everybody doing tonight? Good? Alright Fuck, they used to call me Harry Potter in middle school That's fucked up Cause I wasn't a math wizard Fucking hate math

They used to call me that Cause I'm fucking hairy dog that's fucked up you know i was on timber the other day swiping right you know and i got this cute chick she'd be digging my beard but then like we were gonna fuck i took off my shirt hairy ass chest you know i'm like come on what's up but she goes you know i'm all about the beard but i don't know about that hairy chest and i was like come on sean what's up? But she goes, you know, I'm all about the beard, but I don't know about that hairy chest. And I was like, come on, Shawn Michaels would have been up with all the opinion, you know? And yeah, you know, fucking hairy life.

It's fucked up, man. I'm so hairy, I got an ingrown on my sack. That shit hurt. I didn't go to the doctor. I made my mom do it, you know? You know, she fucking plucked it with a pair of tweezers, you know? I felt bad for those tweezers. Thank you.

54 seconds. Manuel Herrera. Well, I'm going to plus slide. You have the experience of one specific person who's been doing it 14 years. Oh. Nah, man. This is my eighth time? Eighth time on stage.

It was infinitely better than Al. Oh, shit. Al, are you still here? We know you, Al. I think he's... He killed himself. Yeah, he's gone. He just...

Manuel, step back up. Dude, don't do that. I'm from East LA, man. Oh, okay. Is that really your accent or are you overdoing it like Carlos Mencia or something like that? I mean, do you really talk like that? I'm from East LA, dude. So if you stop by East LA after a while, you'll probably hear a bunch of us.

You're actually talking normal right now, though. You're not overdoing all the accents. Brian hates you already. Yeah, I know. He fucking hates you. I don't know if you've noticed, but he's decided to attack you. I just don't like that over, like, hey, so I went outside. I don't know.

I mean, I'm sorry. Every one of you jokes. Oh, you had that one loaded up. Look at you. It's Stephanie's telly. They just discovered Harry Potter. Yeah, I love it. So how long have you had a Timber account?

Timber? Probably like four or five months. Is that where lumberjacks hook up? I fucked it up. I was nervous. I was going to say Timber. Eight times on stage. I sort of like you.

Are all your jokes about being hairy um no i just wanted to stay in the pocket with that minute right hairiness yeah i like that uh what other types of things do you talk about uh so far chicks okay what do you do for work in real life i used to work at a warehouse 2 p.m to 3 a a.m., but last Friday was my last day there, and now I'm working 7 a.m. to 4 p.m., so I'm able to do spots. You're really obsessed with the times that you work. Yeah, yeah. I'm Mexican. We're punctual.

Yeah. What do you do for work? Well, let me give you my schedule first. Yeah, yeah. I like to paint a picture. I love that. I'll tell you, he had a lot of confidence, though, coming up, which is good. I think that's one of the most important things

for a young comic because the jokes were awful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Terrible. They're a work in progress. That's one way to put it. Why is everybody laughing? Always growing.

But that is the reaction that you want. You want them to laugh. Don't stop them, please. In a few years, Harry's going to be the new Fluffy. Yeah.

All my hair jokes just keep growing and growing. I was right in the follicle, man. I had to shave some of the material out. If you look at my Netflix queue, it has Harry Potter, Harry and the Hendersons, Harriet the Spy, Dirty Harry. Harriet Tubman documentary. When Me Met Sally. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, man. Shit like that, you know? And your last name is Herrera. Like, there's almost literally hair in your fucking name. Yeah, Herrera. You guys can follow me on Snapchat. Alright, alright. Sure, yeah. I'm sure you're the only fucking name. Yeah. Herrera. You guys can follow me on Snapchat. All right. All right.

Sure. Yeah. I'm sure you're the only Manuel Herrera on Snapchat by the way. Anyway. I don't keep it Harry free. If you thought this

54 seconds was too long you could see me on Vine. Yeah. I mean the actual street where I will be doing these same jokes. That might be my favorite joke I've ever fucking heard on this show.

Fuck yeah, man. And you're a fucking New Yorker. That's big points, Mike, for using a Vine reference. Holy shit. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Wow. What the fuck did I want to ask you?

So what is the job you're doing at 7 a.m.? Just a warehouse job, driving a forklift around, you know. Wow. No, I don't know. So that's not overdone at all. That's just like you really do talk like that. When you're talking to your mom, you're like, hey, mom, how are you doing?

That's actually what I wanted to ask you. Yeah, by the way, he sounds like that. Okay. The ingrown hair, did that really happen? Is this live? Well, yeah, yeah, it did, yeah. Did you really have your mom do it? Yeah, dude.

Wow, holy shit. Wait a minute. What kind of weird fucking... All right, so tell us slowly how this happened. Well, I was on my forklift. Not that slowly. Speed it up. I'm trying to get promoted at work to a sport lift.

I didn't want to go to the doc because it's awkward getting a doctor in there. So I had my mom do it for me. Yeah. What did your mom have to say about that? What's she like? She didn't really want to do it I just imagine his mom is just him with a wig on

Like Fight Club style Why'd you get into comedy son? You're supposed to support me You're super Mexican, dude. I feel like she pulled that ingrown hair out and candy came out of your ball sack. Fuck yeah, dude. Fucking Duvalines and shit. All right.

Okay. A little shout out. Stockton Slap 209. What is up? I have a question. Are you aware of the porn star Manuel Ferreira? Oh, yeah. He's French.

He's not Mexican, though. Yeah. He's just got a very similar name to him. Whoa. He's... Took the mic out of the mic stand for that one. He's getting serious. I was like, do something, you faggot. I have an actual response for this

that I cannot keep the mic in the mic stand for. Yeah, I might not have a big dick like him, but I got charisma, you know? Yeah, he's even taking shots now. His porn star name is Charisma. Charisma on stage. Charisma. Hey, ladies, any of you want to fuck my charisma?

I got charisma, machismo, and other different things I haven't displayed yet, but will soon. It is a very hairy situation. Yeah. Make it all dirty, you know? Yeah, sure. Dirty hairy. Manuel. I feel like I'm listening to jokes from the Chihuahua

and Oliver and Company. So you've been doing this eight times. You've been on stage eight times. What do you do for fun when you're not working at the warehouse? What do you like to do? Do you hang out with buddies? Do you hang out with a girl're not working at the warehouse? What do you like to do? You hang out with buddies? You hang out with a girl? You go on dates?

What have you been up to? Pick up on chicks here and there. Where do you do that at? 7-Eleven. No, man. The market. No, like at the Beverly Center. Oh, my God.

What are you, a sophomore in high school? No. You know, like go to the shopping mall a sophomore in high school no like go to the shopping mall pick up on the cheeks go to the w you know on hollywood you know what you go to what the w in hollywood the w what's your favorite kind of porn what's your favorite kind of porn like what's your go-to category of porn oh the squirt and the POV. Wow. No hesitation whatsoever. Yeah. Normally people take a beat on that answer always.

They think about being on the internet, streaming live for a second. Not you. Oh, squirt POV. Glad you asked. I like the POV because it's like you're the dick, man. Yeah, you know. Yeah, exactly. But wait.

Hey, there's some fools that like gaping buttholes, you know. Fuck that shit. You know, it's all about like just regular shit. They do fuck that shit. That's the whole thing about a gaping butthole. No, that's dirty, you know. They're not called fools. They're called homosexuals.

Right, Pat? What me do? It's back on. Hey, that's all cool cool But I'll be Shawn Michaels I was waiting for that Are you talking about Shawn Michaels The wrestler or the porn star Oh the wrestler

Okay I just want to make sure And you said what about him That he would like your hair When in doubt Do a call back to a joke That didn't work No That's my style

That's the heartbreak kid That's my style. The heartbreak kid is my item. So, okay, last time you hooked up with a chick at the mall. How does that go down? Just be honest. Don't try to be funny. Are you more of a ticket master guy or Fandango? That was not the question I asked you, Manuel. Just don't try to be funny is something someone told him right before he came on stage.

All right, so I just went up to a girl. I thought she was pretty cute. And I asked her, hey, where can I get juice? Where can I get what? Where can I get the juice? A synagogue, okay. No, no. Israel, yes.

Not the juice that control the media, but, you know israel not the jews that control the media but you know like the drink you went up to just a random girl she was a cute girl you saw her she by herself yeah and you go with the old hey do you know where I could find some juice around here? No, no. At the Beverly Center. No, no, no. Like Jamba Juice, you know, or like natural juices. I want some Lion Punch, some Hi-C.

You know, natural juices. Raspberry. One finger disc girl named Jamba, she was sweet. So then you ask if she knows where the juice is. Or like where's the nearest Jamba Juice? And she was like, you're selling oranges on the side of the road. Lewis! Jay! Hey, they don't even have seeds.

That's pretty good. Fucking Gomez on Herrera crime. Yeah. They're always infighting. White is right. So keep it going, Manuel. Then what do you do? What does she say to that?

She says, oh, yeah, I know what happened. Juice is in my pants. Oh, and then just like, oh, where's the Jamba Juice? And you're Jamba Juice and you're here. And then just, you know. And then she just started fucking. You're missing a part of the story, Manuel. I got it.

You asked her if she knew where any juice was. Then what happened in the story? Oh, and then I tell her, oh, well, you look like you do something artsy or something, you know? This is getting better and better. I'm going to keep driving this out of you. So then what happened? And then they're like, oh, yeah, I model for Instagram or whatever, you know?

Because that's what they do nowadays. Instagram? Okay. And then what happened? And then I took her to Chucky K's. And we had seven babies. You got to do the social media. You could follow me at Tweety Gonzalez.

So then what happened? Yeah, and then I just make small talk on the way to the Jamba Juice. So you took her to Jamba Juice. And let's get to the part where you end up hooking up. How does that go down? Well, I just exchange numbers. And then I'll text her or she'll text me. And then we do like a date at night that same day, you know?

Where'd you go on the date at night the same day? All right. Where'd you take her at night, Jamba Juice? No, no. Well. Here's my problem. He's lying. And the story is just falling apart the more you pull the threads.

Is that true? No, not really. No, no. No, here's the deal. No, no. There is no girl at Jamba Juice. It's faulty because he made it by hand. You know what, Brian?

I'm starting to think the accent may be fake. Yeah, I'm telling you it's fake. Who lies about getting juice? That's ridiculous. I was at the Beverly Center and I was thinking about my health. Need to get some wheatgrass. I was like, hey, you want some juice? And she didn't answer, so I was like, hey, you look artsy.

Manuel, I have heard enough of you. There he goes. Manuel Herrera. Thank you. There he goes. Yeah. There he goes. Hold up. He's still leaving. Get the fuck out of you. There he goes. Manuel Herr. Thank you. There he goes. There he goes. He's still leaving. Get the fuck out of here. Uno, dos, tres, cuatro.

Kill Tony. Yeah, I like that. You guys are badass. You know, SA, the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was pretending to be an ethnic stereotype. It's like Esteban Renazizi. Esteban. I was in 9-11.

9-11. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Here we go. Some hard charisma to follow there. Put your hands together for him though.

Here we go. Matt Legrand. other forum though here we go matt lagrand what's up i'm gay as fuck uh i went on a date with a dude last week and he was like you call yourself a gay man but you've never seen the golden girls and i was like uh dude, I'm gay because I like dick. Not because I've seen some sitcom about four old women in New York. If that was the qualifications, then all of our moms would be gay. Caitlyn Jenner was recently interviewed, and she was asked her opinions on gay marriage.

And she said, you know, it's always been hard for me because I'm such a traditionalist. Congrats, Caitlin, on transitioning from a dumb jock into a stupid bitch. I grew up in a really conservative home. My mom is so conservative, she walked out

of Zero Dark Thirty because she felt it empowered women too much. I was like, Mom, that's not what was wrong with the movie. It was the Muslims. Some people are so ignorant. There you go.

Matt Legrand coming in and killing it. Matty, Matty, Matty. I love it. Owning it right from the beginning. That's how you fucking do it. Nice to meet you, dude. Funny as fuck. Where are you from?

Thanks. Born and raised in Indonesia. Really? Yeah. My parents are missionaries. How did that happen? My parents are missionaries. Well, I mean...

Really good. Really good. Really good. You got me there. So there's two reasons they don't accept you? There's more. Okay. So your parents are missionaries.

Yeah. What's their favorite position? Not doggy. So how long have you been in America? I moved here when I was 17 went to college in Chicago and then I moved to LA two years ago so that's fun

your jokes are amazing how long have you been on stand up 10 months in holy shit I hate this guy cause he's gonna zip right past everyone on the stage. Your opening joke just from the beginning,

you just own the audience. You're going to just destroy. Can you imagine him in 14 years like the other guy? What's incredible is it's just such an open lesson for everybody that he is gay as fuck and he came up and he said he's gay as fuck. If Al said, I'm out of breath and confused, everybody that he is gay as fuck and he came up and he said he's gay as fuck like if al said

i'm out of breath and confused we all would have done that it's like you people don't realize i'm being serious like be fucking honest with yourself and it's a secret code to being funny there's no fucking real trickery you can't overthink it. Seriously. Yeah. Thank you. And that's what's crazy is the least honest person, Manuel Herrera. I mean, the Golden Girls is set in Florida and not New York. And yet I still was able to love and accept your jokes.

Yeah. I always question that every time I tell it. I should have looked it up. Florida. And it is fucking like absolute. It's actually one of the blatantly best written and funniest comedy shows of all time.

I just watched Sex and the City. Have you really never watched Golden Girls? I've never seen it. Can I tell you something? I'm a Betty White guy. You should totally fucking watch it because it's actually funny as fuck. It's unbelievable. One of them is a whore. It's awesome. More jokes per minute than I think any other show fucking ever. It's unbelievable. One of them was a whore. It's awesome. More jokes per minute than I think

any other show fucking ever. It's crazy. And their characters are all so defined. Yeah, there's a whore, a sweet old lady that says crazy shit, the boss, Bea Arthur, and Betty White. Betty White's like the fourth on my fucking favorite. That's how cool it is.

People in LA won't be able to understand how women over 30 were able to be on television, but if you get over that, it's pretty great. I smell a spinoff podcast, Golden Pony Talks Golden Girls. Wow, and I know somebody who will never be on that podcast.

I'll tell you, you came up and you had a confidence that you don't just learn. Have you acted or have you done some type of performance? No, I haven't. You are so gay that you have balls on your head right now. Do you know that, Matt? I've never gotten to make that joke before.

I've never had a tall gay guy on the show. Yeah, you've been hated and judged all your life. How are you able to come up with lots of confidence? Obviously, that's fucking... How tough has your life been? Were your parents accepting of yeah um i mean they love me but they think i'm going to hell they know you're going to hell that's for sure uh yeah i mean it was weird indonesia is very homophobic i went to a private christian college you had to literally sign that you want to do acts of

homosexuality so can you give us an example since obviously you made it out like how would you sneak was there anybody that like you hooked up with or anything and if so how did that go down um i actually was leading a mission trip in europe you know it's some good dick when you're risking your life for it by the way you know what i Like, I have to fucking suck this dick. No, my first sexual experience with a guy was while I was leading a mission trip in Europe. Wow, fuck yeah. So if you were leading it, then I'm guessing he took you from behind. I can't believe nobody laughed at that.

How does nobody laugh at that? That got absolute silence. He's leading the trip. He's the bottom. What the fuck? This is the first comic to come on stage that Lewis hasn't called a faggot. Oh my god.

Oh my god. I can't believe it's still my favorite episode ever. I do feel like the experience is there is something to be said for perspective and hardship that just makes people a better artist. A lot of these trust fund kids that get into comedy

have nothing to say. All the shit that you've had to go through and it's reflective on stage. He means the shit in your boyfriend's assholes. I want to get back to this thing though. You're leading the mission. Are there any more details that you're willing to share about it or anything else?

Yeah, I'm super open on stage. I talk about shitting in a man's mouth and other things. How do you know? It's real! Wow, baby. We are doing it. This is amazing.

If you want to know what it felt like watching Albumani. I feel like when I went on that trip and when I came out, I just kind of had to wipe my moral slate clean, if you will, and just learn from scratch. Because I have this feces all over it. How did you know when you were at college on that mission trip, how did you know

that the other guy was gay? Because I went into a gay bar in Amsterdam. Yeah? What happened? Wait, you were 17? It was when I was 20 years old that's when i was leading it oh and that was in amsterdam yeah it was a weird mission trip i was like staying in no it was i was staying in hostels throughout europe but literally when i went out i uh i saw one of the rainbow flags above the bar and i uh i waited till everyone on the mission trip like

went to sleep and i went out that night and i like you went out to the brown hole district but i literally i made it to like a cruising bar and it was like a very very wild experience cruising bars are where they have like rooms for hookups but uh the next day everyone was like matt we heard you're out late whatever and they're like what were you up to? And I was like, oh, I felt led to do a prayer walk around the city. Yeah, you didn't tell them that while doing that walk you had your wrist bent or whatever the fuck.

Yeah, he's going to hell for that. I just find it amazing there's finally something more gay in this room than Tony's voice. Yes, there you go. Wow, they're taking shots at me now, I see. Shots all over your face, Tony. It's back on! It's like the physical embodiment of your onstage

persona. It's, uh, well, I mean, I have jokes about that on my hit Netflix special. Anyway, um... Matt, let's... Like a true gay man, I just got plugged. So, okay, well that's fucking hilarious do you talk about that on stage

um I haven't how much material do you have like how long um I would say I have the longest that I've done is 20 minutes I'm gonna be the one guy who doesn't talk about his dick on stage um yeah the longest that I've done is 20 minutes

uh I probably have 25 uh I perform Doesn't talk about his dick on stage. Yeah. Yeah, the longest that I've done is 20 minutes. I probably have 25. I perform every night. I don't understand. A lot of comics come on here, and this is like the only mic they do. Like, I, as long as I perform every night, meaning, like, I have sex every night. Like, the longest I've done is 20 minutes. Like, the longest you've had sex is 20 minutes.

Pat's trying to hook up. Wow, Pat. I mean, what's funny about that is you really fucking cut him off i know he's in the middle of a sense totally talking wait wait wait wait wait yeah okay yeah podcast guru pat reagan everybody i'm sorry continue sorry for pat yeah i don't know what i was saying we apologize for pat he's settling 25 um oh uh the longest that i've done is 20 minutes. What are you comfortable with? What's your favorite set, like your material?

You're talking about other comics that come up here. That's what you were saying. You said you don't understand how other comics come up here, and Pat, bleh. Oh, that. Sorry, I didn't mean to. It just happened. Oh, I mean, this is just an observation.

I've seen this show a couple times, but a lot of people have said they've only done, like, they go out, like, once a month or whatever. They'll hit, like, one mic. This is the first mic they've been to. It's like, if you want to do comedy, why aren't you performing every night? Totally. You're absolutely right.

And we tell them that every single Monday live. Yas, Quain. Yas, Quain. Would you like to do the Ice House next Friday? Yeah, I'd love to. Wow, there you go. From the bathhouse to the Ice House. You always have to wait until the

jokes don't work in this room if you do them over applause. Wow, well that, I lost your fucking, oh, there it is. So nice to meet you so fun Matt LeGrand everybody How do I follow up on Ice House He's going to reach out to you

Via social media And he is on Twitter There he goes everybody Everybody's Everybody's Twitters are their names tonight So you having fun Louis J This is fucking kill Tony Everybody's Twitters are their names tonight. You having fun, Louis J.? This is fucking Kill Tony. This is a blast, dude.

I really thought I was just going to be uncomfortable the whole night, and then Matt came up. Perfect. I love that the gay guy is the only one who hasn't had to find the back door into the industry. You son of a bitch. Sometimes, you know, I'm fine. All right.

I happen to know for a fact that this guy has been signing up for this show every single Monday for like fucking years, and he rarely ever gets up. So here we go. He's not going to get to complain to me for a while. The name is Adelston Fitzgerald Holder I. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Johnny. Johnny.

Johnny. Here we go. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm very excited to be here. You're not going to pick on me, right? All right. Because it's so uncomfortable. Did you start the one minute yet?

Oh, yeah. Okay, how much I have now? I need to calculate my material. I have about 40 seconds. Okay, 39 now technically, right? All right, so listen, people. So I have a... You're only going to pick on me after if I bomb.

Because... All right, all right. Hold on, hold on. Pause those minutes, please. bum, cause, alright, alright, hold on, hold on, pause those minutes please, okay, listen people, I just don't want you all to pick on me, that's all, so good evening folks, I'm a comedian, right, so yo, I have a, thank you, yo, so, hold those laughs, they interrupted my laughter, yo, so I have... Come on, people. This is live on television. So listen. Television or podcast.

Come on, people. I'm looking unprofessional right now. So listen. So yo, check this out, right? You are the worst. Let me just... First of all... Dude. Adelston, are you normal at all or are you just a crazy person? just first of all.

Dude. Adelston, are you normal at all or are you just a crazy person? I am insulted. No. Adelston's never seen a light he didn't run. You just spent an entire minute telling us to not make fun of you. I know.

Can I get my minute over, please? No. Okay. Who's at the Kia dealership if you're here? I can't believe Miss Cleo finally got that female-to-male transition surgery. You a faggot. Fuck you! I'm an artist!

I'm an artist! I'm an artist, Hamilton! I'm a fucking artist! You just ain't shit! I'm an artist! I'm an artist, Daniel Jackson! I'm a fucking artist! You just ain't shit! You ain't shit! You ain't so much shit! I'm still on your fucking lips! I'm an artist! Oh, you son of a bitch! You son of a bitch! Oh, shit! You got it, got it now! Hold on. You should be the one with the saxophone because you're the one that gives the blowjob. Oh!

You motherfucker! I'm going to fucking get you! Wow. I guess actually you're the second worst since you just put Pat Reagan in his place. Wow. Well, actually the second one is you. Oh!

All right, nobody gives a fuck. Man, you're taking shots from Bob Marley. Uh-oh, here we go. And he looks like Santa Claus going hipster. Okay, don't laugh that hard, you idiot. That was shitty. All right. Adelston, what's your story, dude?

Let's just be honest here. How long have you been doing stand-up? My whole life. All right. I'm going to give you another chance to be honest. Yeah, dedicated his set to his bobsled team. What do you do for work, Adelston? What do you do for work, Adelston? What do you do for work?

You're one of the few comedians to ever bring a briefcase with you on stage. Yeah, yeah. Thank you, thank you. Jeremiah's laughing so hard he's making whale noises. What do you do for work? Stop laughing. That's unprofessional. Adelston, stick with me.

Up here, buddy. What do you do for work? Still over here, Adelston. Adelston. Live show, baby. Stick with me. Over here. Not them.

Can you tell him to stop laughing, please? No. No. Okay. Adelston. Adelston, what do you do for work? Currently, I'm unemployed. what did you do before that I was unemployed

alright but I did construction one time in the past just remember when you paid your taxes today to support this dream Adelson I'm going to be honest with you you didn't do anything on stage with your minute and that's sort of the only thing that can fuck the show up a little bit so I'm going to be honest with you. You didn't do anything on stage with your minute, and that's sort of the only thing that can fuck the show up a little bit.

So I'm going to move on, and all these people that signed up wanting to perform a minute on this show, we're going to give them a shot. Adelson Fitzgerald, holder the first, everybody. There you go. He has an actual stamp for his name. Instead of signing up, he uses the stamp. We should have known then.

And an AOL email address. Yeah, for his Twitter handle. He left his actual AOL.com email. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Kelsey Kerr. Kelsey Lane. Kelsey. Sorry, it's Lane. So I'm just going to be honest with you guys and tell you that there are perks to looking this way.

I'll tell you this story. There was a beautiful moment that I had with this homeless man, and we looked each other in the eye, and he smiled. And I looked down and noticed that he was furiously masturbating. And I tell you this because when I went inside to go grab the sandwich, I came back out, and he was like, hi. I was like, hey. And he was like, are you single? And we've been dating ever since.

So, thanks. That's what I got. Okay. Kelsey Lane. One of your first times doing stand-up. You just started. Yeah. Like four months. Four months? Yeah. Okay. How's it going? You having fun?

Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you right from the get, when you say there's whatever you say, there's something okay about looking like this. We already don't know what you mean. For example, to go back to Matt LeGron came up, said, I'm gay as fuck. Here we go.

Right. And you say, there's something about this look, and we don't know whether you think you're pretty or ugly, or we don't know what you're saying at all. Does that make sense at all? Yeah. Yeah. Definitely.

So you should start with me like. What did you mean? I don't even know what you meant. What did you mean? There's perks to being this great looking. Oh, that's what you meant. Yeah. No, don't do that.

All right. Yeah, that's an. Dang, that's what you meant. Yeah. No, don't do that. All right. Yeah, that's an Indian. Dang, he called you a six. Whoa. I didn't, he did. I'm like a seven with drunk goggles. You know what I mean? No, you're adorable.

You're adorable. So it's been four months. Are you doing a lot of spots or mean? No, you're adorable. You're adorable. So it's been four months. Are you doing a lot of spots or what? Yeah. Here and there. Here and there? Like a few times a week

or what? I try to go up to Mike's now that I'm unemployed. I can go up more. What was your job before? I was... Don't lie.

Please. So many liars tonight. I can watch you all thinking of your fake unfunny fucking answer. I worked in a matchmaking service. Perfect. That's great. What was that like? It was called Timber.

Were there some people... They cut down the trees and turned them into matchsticks. Did he really say Timber instead of Tinder? That's so funny. I didn't even notice that. So, alright. What's that? Are there some people when they sign up you just see them and you're like look we can't do anything for you nobody's gonna like you is there

any what was your role exactly there um i would like talk to the matches and be like hey you should come and talk to our matchmaker and then talk about the client. That was what I did. What? Yeah. Just reaching out to people and getting them. How long did you do that for? Seven months. Right. Are you single? Yeah. Is that an interesting position to be in?

Watching all these people have dates while you sit lonely every night? Yeah. Yes. I thought there were perks to looking like this. Dang, he called you a six. Yes, my love life is a barren wasteland. Why do you think that is? Why do you always do those horse lips with every tough question?

That's why. She farts every once in a while. That was why. I'm actually a centaur. Answer every question with a reluctant queef. I love that Mike Lawrence can't do the thing with his lips. I just watched him try

and nothing happened. Kelsey, so... Why don't you work there? Did you get fired, or did you leave, or did you try to take the best dates for yourself? I want to go back to your loneliness for a second. You gave me the horse lips, but I never got an answer. Why do you think you

said your love life is a barren wasteland? What does that mean to you? I think I attract the crazies. I think that's why. Give us an example of a crazy guy like 40 something jamaican guys who bring up their briefcase on stage and continuously beg you not to make fun of them while just being a complete asshole the entire time we're going on a date later actually no wow no i think, so the last guy I was dating, he was, this time he was like, it's so funny. He would like, like I fell asleep one time and he went through my phone and was like talking about, he was like, so do you talk to like this guy or that guy? And I was like, we're not even relation.

It's a jealous guy. That was John Lennon. Yes. Okie dokie. So. So he went through your phone? Yeah. All right. What's the second craziest thing that a guy's done?

Did he have a reason? Was that on a first date or something? No. How many times did you guys hung out? You were fucking, you were dating. Yeah, for like two months. That's not that crazy. You don't have a passcode on your phone?

Yeah, he knew it. You got to go with the thumbprint. Yeah, you got to get the thumbprint. That's not that crazy. You don't have a passcode on your phone? Yeah, he knew it. You got to go with the thumbprint. Yeah, I got to get the thumbprint. That's not that crazy. A girl keyed asshole into my car. Because she knows that's what you love. It's back on! Yeah.

You better be careful, Pat. You're giving away all your secrets. Next girl whose heart you break is going to key guitar comic into your car. That would be worse. I would have to get that fixed. I would have to get that fixed immediately. Right, asshole. You're like, you know, I get it.

Someone says that a flannel button pops off the shirt. That's actually usually what I do. I usually have a guitar on stage, but I just felt like it was going to be way too much. Give us another one. Are you fucking with me right now? No, I'm telling the truth. You seem like you were fucking with me.

I'm being honest. I really do. I'm a musical comic as well. I understand the pain. You guys have a lot in common. You both do comedy of guitars and you bomb continuously. Yeah, I saw that one coming. That was a lot in common. You both do comedy of guitars and you bomb continuously. Yeah, I saw that one coming.

That was a rule of three. This is amazing. This is a little fucking match made in the outside of some conservatory. What's one of your song titles? Yeah. DUI song. Whoa. It's about a DUI.

It is. That's what musical comedy is a lot of times. They have a song title and the whole song's about that. Sometimes. That's how people write musical comedy. Not me. I actually write songs. You know how some people just say the punchline once?

Well, imagine if it's repeated multiple times. In a chorus. In a chorus. How many words can you rhyme with queef? Leaf. Keef. Chief. Belief. Belief. Steep. If you want to go slant. Keef. Chief. Belief.

Belief. Uh-oh. Steep. If you want to go slant. Coral reef. It'll be a relief when this is over. Kelsey, second craziest thing that a crazy guy's done to you, other than go through your phone. This one guy held the door open for me once, and I was like, what are you doing?

Are you a knight? What century is this? I make 77 cents on a man's dollar because there's perks to looking like this. Kelsey, answer my question. Shut up. Second craziest thing.

Because I asked you why you said your love life is a barren wasteland and i said why and it's you said the guys that you hang out with are crazy you attract crazy people give me a number two to going through your phone number two um i don't know i've had like one time i was hanging out at a mic and he came by and he was like oh hey same guy yeah okay uh this is after that yeah okay and then he was just like he was like oh and then he was like, oh, hey. Same guy? Yeah. Okay. This is after that? Yeah. Okay. And then he was just like, he was like, oh,

and then he was like, I gotta go to the bathroom and then I texted him. I was like, where'd you go? He was like, I went home. I was like, why? He was like, you weren't paying any attention to me and you're flirting with every guy. I was like, so maybe that's your answer.

Kelsey, this sounds like you're a whore. Yeah, you're a whore, right? Yeah. People go through your phone. This is not a crazy guy. She's just a fucking vets. Right. Do you drink a lot? I mean, do're a whore, right? Yeah. People go through your phone. This is not a crazy guy. She's just a fucking weapon. Right. Do you drink a lot?

I mean, do you get drunk a lot? Or are you... I get the feeling you have more dicks in your phone than Matt LeGrand has had in his asshole. How many? Thank you, Brian. Kelsey, so, all right. That doesn't sound too crazy. It sounds like a guy that has jealousy issues.

Yeah, it sounds like one loser. I could tell you crazy. You want to hear crazy bitch stories, we could talk all night. Brian and I could talk for a while. He squirted on me the other day. All right. Kelsey, what else about you? Tell us something else that's interesting.

Where are you from? I'm from Boston. How long have you been out here? It'll be a year next month. Okay. That's interesting. What do your parents do? They're both unemployed. Why?

Do you fart? Yes. How are they surviving? They're both retired. There's a big difference between retired and unemployed. They got really old. They just got fired.

And you said that, uh, you just got done with your matchmaking job, correct? You don't do that anymore. No. So how are you surviving now? Are you retired as well?

I just got my first unemployment check. Wow. It's not enough to survive on. So, yeah. So what are you going to do? You can survive on my face. Oh, Brian,

you can't say things like that. It has to be, if you're going to go dark, then it has to be somewhat funny. Are you going to pay me? It depends. Do you take tokens or roses? All right.

Wow. Yikes. What the fuck? I look at the one prostitute in the audience who's like, what up, girl? Wow, I think there might actually...

Oh, okay. She owned it for a second there. I'm like, wow. Kelsey, okay, nothing else interesting about you that you can think of? Any special human tricks you could do or anything fun?

Can you squirt milk out of your eyelid? Out of my eyelid? Nope, let's not answer that question. Brian, maybe a little bit too much milk can do. It's kind of hard to say out of you living in crushing poverty. You understand? Anything else interesting about you that you can tell us whatsoever? Is there anything that you've done, any talent that you have whatsoever?

It's mostly like guitar stuff. I just... Yeah! There we go. Let's take a chance. Let's do it. It's going to take a little... No, it doesn't take any time. You put it on. Play 30 seconds of the song.

Play the chorus of a song. The DUI song. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Kelsey playing the DUI song. Thank you. I was going to do that, Pat, but thank you. Your guitar, I guess. I guess in the guitar comic world, you can bring up the guitar comics.

Are you trying to hang yourself right now? It didn't work. Look at that evil look. You could just use Adelston's hair. You're already better than Pat. Wait, so just the chorus I should sing, not the verse? Holy fuck, do the song. This is Hollywood.

You gotta commit, kid. To anything. What did you fucking bring to this show? Is it an instrumental? And he said, yeah, do you like that? No. He said, not really. He tries again.

He says, how about that? I said, you didn't do anything differently. So pardon me if I'm too outspoken. I'm only here because my vibrator's broken. Don't get me wrong, you're an okay guy. But I'm only sleeping here to avoid a DUI. Wow, look at that. Very well done.

There you go. All right, Tony. Wait, what's going on, Jeremiah? She's going on Jeremiah Can I say my problem with that Yeah go ahead I feel like whenever guitar comics do It's always just kind of like a simple dirty Thing and I think you should avoid that

I think it shouldn't just always be about sex In all honesty It's like you're just rhyming dirty words So I thought it was way better than your joke, but I would say that stay away from just the I'm doing a song and rhyming dirty words. What are the other two songs you have? What are those called?

Don't overthink it. Answer the fucking question. Why is everybody doing this tonight? My pussy is huge and my asshole is gaping. Yeah, just be honest. I want a portion of an abortion. I fuck myself and fuck Trump. Oh, okay. Can I say, the thing is, like, you're coming out here.

It's being recorded. There's all these people. And if you're half-assing it, if what you do is musical comedy and it's being recorded, then that's what you should do. You already don't have a job. You don't have money. life's not good for you you should be fighting fucking harder than anybody when when uh matt legrand yeah came out here like that's the guy who's like fucking like i'm gonna take this you need to fucking take it you you you made excuses and everything talk about dick yeah it's like you failed on someone else's terms and then when you did that song you got to

fail on your own and it was so much more beautiful and endearing yeah he's absolutely right i totally agree you should make you know make friends with more comedians and get out and just hustle if you if you're not working then you have to go all out i mean there's no fucking netflixing when you're in your situation right but you. But if you look at Pat, who I do respect, he fucking takes that guitar everywhere. He's got to take the amp sometimes and shit. That's harder. That's not easy.

Three, four, five spots a night while doing other shit during the day. It's possible. Humiliating myself. It's god awful. He has to walk up the hill sometimes. Him and Jeremiah have to park up on the hill and fucking walk up it at the end of the night with amps, guitars, all this shit,

almost getting hit by drunk, rich people. I mean, look at my face, and I had the confidence to try to disrespect him. I mean, you know, so it's like fucking do the work. And every time you go up, bring the fucking guitar. If that's what you want to do, then that's what you should always do. Got to commit.

Got to just go for it. You're doing an okay job of it now. And it's Kelsey Lane. It is. There she goes, Kelsey Lane. She's on Twitter. It's Kelsey Lane. Right.

Okie dokie. Here we go. Almost there, people. Put your hands together for Henry Johnson. That's exactly how it is. That's a great episode. I tried to make my apartment look fancier by hanging a photo of a limousine, but I couldn't find one, so I got a time-lapse photo of a normal car. Due to inflation, American money was worth a little more in the 80s,

but Eddie money was worth a little more in the 80s, but Eddie money was worth a lot more in the 80s. Four more years is a really optimistic thing to chant at a political rally and a really pessimistic thing to chant at a 10th birthday party. As a kid, my favorite stuffed animal was chicken cordon bleu. When I grow up, I really want to be Oprah's dad because she'd ask you to look for monsters under her bed, but instead you'd find a free copy of Michael Bublé's latest. Thank you guys very much.

All right. Henry Johnson. How's it going, man? Good, thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up? About ten months. Ten months. All here in L.A.? Pardon? All here stand-up? About 10 months. 10 months, all here in LA? Pardon?

All here in Los Angeles? A couple months in Chicago, but not here. Is this where you live now? Just for a few more months, then I'm going back to Illinois. Back to Illinois. What are you doing there? I'll be there for the summer, and then I'll go back to school in the fall. Where do you go to school?

I'm in Massachusetts. For what? Statistics. He's smart. Smarter than most of the people in this room. Do you know him? No, I'm in Massachusetts. For what? Statistics. He's smart. Smarter than most of the people in this room. Do you know him? No, I just can tell. You're a joke writer, not a performer. But Pat, you're one of the

dumbest people in the room, so how can you tell that he's one of the smartest? And statistically, one out of six of his jokes worked. He's smart. He's smart, man. There's something going on inside you You could write a lot of good jokes Yeah

Yeah totally Definitely First of all You have beautiful eyes I'm gonna be honest Thank you Gorgeous fucking eyes Yeah I think

Do you always talk that slow? Yeah I would say so I mean like I try to You're not doing that right now You're talking at a normal speed Oh oh oh Always like

Like in everyday conversations. Yeah, I would just say like you – obviously I don't know if it was a lack of confidence or what it was, but you were like delivering – if you would have delivered those jokes with a little bit more confidence, I think you could have gotten the room really going because they were good jokes. I mean that 10-year-old birthday party joke is a great joke. You a fan of like Anthony Jeselnik? Yeah, for sure. Well, that's what – we all know him, and the way that he talks is like that in real

life when he goes on stage and he's delivering slow confidently really smart shit that's who he is as a person yeah you know what i mean so you sort of did a little like it sort of felt a little jizzle necky and now you're talking normal like that song i brought him up to i was kind of like shit this is like a slow quiet song song. I shouldn't have picked this song. You created this with the music that you picked. Yeah, but then he came up and I was like, all right, nope. No, don't feel too guilty. I think I usually do that anyhow.

Here's my question. What do you stand for? Like in life? No, like your comedy. What is it? What is Henry Johnson? You know, Kelsey Lane is a guitar comic. Adelston Fitzgerald Holder is the worst.

You know? You know, if you say his name one more time, he'll appear. But no, my thing is, and I know that you're new, and hopefully this is something that you will grow out of but it's like the jokes signify nothing they're not about anything there's no message and every person that does comedy you know struggles with you know being broke and working hard and all that unless you come from your parents money but like but to me it's like what's the the point of hoping to get up

and hoping to do all this shit when the jokes aren't about anything? I mean, I totally appreciate that. I don't think I'm that strong of a performer. I think I'd rather be a writer. I'd have more fun writing in someone's voice. And I get that I'll need to write in my own voice. But yeah, I don't have a proper response to that.

You can be a writer. You can write for SNL if you want to but the thing is like but but comedy writers often get hired because of their strong points of view yeah and you know and i'm sure you have more material but based on that one minute i didn't see a strong point of view i just saw mostly parlor tricks he's a well-educated white kid writing cerebral jokes. Are you his agent? I'm just telling you. I'm just explaining. He can do anything he wants. There's a million well-educated white kids writing cerebral jokes

that aren't that strong performers. You're one of them, and you have a bright fucking future regardless of what you're doing. Henry Johnson, you're a real goody two-shoes. Tell us something bad about you. Tell us about your Dexter double life. One time I shit in one guy's mouth. No, he was the guy that got his mouth shit into.

So these people not statistics degrees. Jesus, Pat, what is your problem? First of all, he doesn't even have his degree. He just said he's studying statistics. I got two more years, then I'll have it. All right, Jesus. You don't have to tell me like a proud 11-year-old. I'm sticking out for smart people tonight. That's what I'm

fucking doing. I'm sick of the fucking comedy store belly room, full mongoloid shit. So I'm sticking up for fucking smart people. Because we're fucking smart, and we're going to run shit one day. No, smart people already run shit. What are you talking about? One day! Are the

mongoloids running shit? I mean me, me and him. Henry, tell us something evil about you. Tell the truth. Just say it. I was back home for Thanksgiving, and I sat in on a friend's class and tried to be a fake student and wrote a fake essay and stuff,

and I was mistaken for a school security threat, and they had to change the location of the class, and it's still kind of an outstanding thing. See, and you can never talk about that in your act as it is right now, and that's a fascinating story. You're trapped. Wasn't that the plot of an episode of Sister, Sister?

Wait, a bad thing that you did was writing an essay in another class? Yeah, exactly. Henry, I mean, what are we talking about here? You could do better than that. Give us something else. Come on. What's your go-to porn? What's your favorite character?

I don't know that I have a particular... No, I feel like that's a canned answer, but I really do not have a particular... You like anything. I like ones where the girl's enjoying it and just wants to be there. Just making love porn. You think he

likes girls? Alright. Come on. Hit us with something. Craziest thing you've ever done. I feel awful. I said gosh. That gosh sounded like it was opening up a musical on a number.

Gosh, wow. I really am sorry because I know that this is for entertainment, but I truly am a very boring person. We know. The first black people he's seen were the cast of Hamilton when he was in the front row. Do you swear in your act at all or no? Generally not. It's not that I don't like it. I'm just not very good at incorporating it.

It's a writing weakness. You shouldn't. Honestly, if you don't, you shouldn't because I think that's a quick way to get pretty far in the industry. But can you curse for us at least? Can you say fucking cunt? Oh my, do I have to say? Okay. Sorry.

That was awesome. No, no, no. Wow. Holy shit. I don't think I've ever stood up during this show before. Ever. That was incredible. Holy shit.

Say it. No, say fucking cunt. Fucking cunt. Yeah! Fucking cunt! Fucking cunt. Fucking cunt. Fucking cunt. Fucking cunt.

Wait, what's that? Oh, what? Oh, you just lost your scholarship at Massachusetts. They're watching the live stream right now. I love that Lewis is proud. He just molded someone into being a misogynist. The heat is strong in this one. Wow.

That was fucking awesome. How do you feel about that now that you've said that? Is that the first time you've ever said that? No, no, no. Definitely not. I mean, I... You know, I once called

mother that when the potatoes were cold. You're in town for a few more months, huh? Yeah, I'll be in town until the beginning of June. Then I'll be in Chicago for a couple months, then back to school. You should fuck that other girl, the last girl, right? Those two should get together. He's starring in the one-man show, What If Carlton Was White.

I love it. I love that you started doing stand-up comedy after being the lead in Book of Mormon. I think it's a really big deal. It takes a lot of balls to do that. Come back again. Will you sign up again? Come back. I want to hear more of your jokes and find out more about you. Mike Lawrence. There is

an inherent likability and charm because you have a genuine naivete. When you come up here, that is fascinating. I want to see you... Can you just say naivety again? Naiv up here that is fascinating and i want to see you just say night naivety again naivety i can't say it either bronx public school everybody no but like you there is there is something inherently likable about you that if you did talk about yourself and you can do short punchy jokes but not in that like done to death, you know, like one liner style and be yourself.

I think that's where your success is going to be. Can you I thank you very much. And can you like are there people that you sorry, are there people you think you're good, sir? Who would like to subscribe to your pamphlet? Who can I study for that? Because I really do want to. I appreciate that. Mike Lawrence.

No. Like who do you think strikes a good balance? Teresa O'Neill. Is that actual? Not for you. We will genuinely have a conversation with you after the show and give you some

comics to look up and watch because I do think you have a lot of talent but I just think that this is a dead end. You definitely have to use some of that when you're thinking about what is special about you talk about the fact that you don't do bad things and that it makes it you know talk about why you don't do those things or how or what happens you know use that nice guy like i said dexter type of thing to your advantage but you but you have to show us that other side. You know what I mean?

We need to get a taste of it, even if it doesn't exist. Tell us why you don't do things and what you don't do and whatever. That's something you're going to hear constantly is, like, give more of yourself in anything, auditions, TV shows, whatever it is. So, you know, we want to get to know you. Talking to you now, you're a really likable, nice guy, and everyone in this room is rooting for you. So that's a good thing to have.

There he goes, Henry Johnson, ladies and gentlemen. Buckaroo in the cart. This is it. We are here. We have one comedian left. Normally, we have two regulars, only two that do a brand-new minute, not out of the bucket every single week.

One of them couldn't make it here tonight, Vanessa Johnston. Get well soon. And tonight, of course, the lovely, the amazing, the always nervous, fun stylings of the great Melissa Esslinger. There's actually a comedian

that's more adorable than me. That guy. The cool thing about riding the bus is homeless people stop asking you for money because you're on the same boat, bench, whatever, same thing. Somebody recently told me I'm their favorite person to watch Bomb. So I got that going for me. Life's not that bad.

Shit. Let's just say I'm not looking both ways before I cross the street anymore. But yeah, it's not hard to see the silver lining when you're broke because anything that looks like money, you go after that. Yeah, that's it. All right, exactly one minute. What's happening in life? Why is everything so sad? You're unemployed, sleeping on an air mattress,

paying the dues. You're doing a lot of spots during the week? This past week, no, but I'm back on it now. What was the first thing that you said about adorable? Oh, I just, he was really adorable. Who? The guy right before me. Yeah, you know, when you start your sets, just do you.

You know what I mean? We acknowledge everything that happens before you. Don't waste an opening really connecting that's when you're establishing yourself and this goes for everybody in every set that you do you know you don't always have to make a joke about something that you saw earlier in the show when people get more

entertained when they see somebody owning it and just like wow here we go it's time for the Melissa Esslinger part of the show you doing a callback I don't think anybody I did I had no idea what you were talking about. So, you know, when you lose people at the very opening, that's always hard to catch back up. I mean, you're fighting it because you're talking about real shit.

You're talking about being broke, and you're talking about your situation. I would have loved to have heard more about the actual things. I mean, you know, so what's going on? Any improvement on anything in life? What's happening? What's so sad about your life? Why are you not looking those ways? It's really not that bad and I'm learning a lot

but it's scary because I don't know what's going to happen in the next couple of weeks or months. With what? Surviving. Paying bills and shit Please don't bring us into your suicide

No, I'm good I really, it's just been, you know It's Half the sets tonight have been like Sets and the other half have been like Kickstarter videos You know I'm good You sort of Sets in the other half have been Kickstarter videos.

I'm good. You sort of cruise through it tonight. Write jokes. Get fired up. This wasn't one of your real sets. You sort of just grazed over a couple ideas. Some guy told me this. Riding a bus like this.

Don't give up on us. We know a minute a week is hard and that writing jokes is the hardest fucking thing in the world. We've seen that all night tonight from everybody. But you gotta fucking rock. You gotta do it. We'll see you next week. Melissa Esslinger. There she goes. Guys, Ryan Shae Ebald drew tonight's episode.

He has the official Kill Tony poster for sale after the show on the front patio. You can say hi to all of us. The real Ryan J. Ebald, Brian Redband, Pat Reagans, Patty Reagan on Twitter, Jeremiah Watkins. Jeremiah's stand-up. Jeremiah's stand-up on Twitter.

Get Pat's new album on Spotify. Louis J. Gomez is on Twitter. Louis J. Gomez. L-U-I-S J. Gomez. Legion of Skanks. Mike Lawrence is at TheMikeLawrence on Twitter. Two of the funniest guys in the world. Thank you skanks. Mike Lawrence is at the Mike Lawrence on Twitter. Two of the funniest guys in the world. Thank you so much.

Anything else coming up? Thank you. I wrote on this season of inside Amy Schumer that airs on Thursday. So check that out, everybody. There you go. Up next. Check out Legion of skanks.

Anthony. Yes. Legion of skanks. We love you. Welcome to the kill Tony family. Thank you. Live audience. love you. Welcome to the Kill Tony family. Thank you, live audience. See you.

Thank you. I'm out. Can't you see? Sometimes your words just hypnotize me And I just love your flashy ways This is why the girl think you're so mean Obrigado.