KILL TONY - KILL TONY #153

Episode Date: May 11, 2016

Brian Moses, Jeff Danis, Josh Martin, Jeremiah Watkins, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 04/18/2016 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is RedBan, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Search the iTunes store for Kill Tony and hit subscribe. Or you can just go to DeathSquad.tv. We have all the links for everything Death Squad. The video portions of the shows. We have all the different podcasts we do here. And we have our tour dates.

Click on tour dates at DeathSquad.tv, and you'll see that me and Tony are going to be in Nashville on May 22nd. Wow, that's coming up. That's right around the corner. And as it was announced on last night's show, Ralphie May will be our special guest on Kill Tony. So check it out, May 22nd, Nashville, Tennessee. You can just go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates

also don't forget that we have all the other shows that we do here in Los Angeles every week not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the Comedy Store in the Belly Room every Tuesday we do Roast Battle which is the

verbal violence podcast here at Death Squad. And every first and third Friday, we do The Ice House, comedy show at The Ice House in Pasadena, California. And that's the first and third Friday of every month. And if you are listening to this podcast the week of May 11th, tomorrow, May 11th, we are doing the Death Squad Secret Show, which is at the Comedy Store with Joe Rogan,

Esther Povitsky, Little Esther, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Robert Thompson, Jeff Garcia, Dean Del Rey, Sean Halpin, George Perez, me, and Ron White, and a couple special guests. That's Wednesday, tomorrow at 8.30 p.m., May 11th. You can always check out all these by going to DeathSquad.tv and clicking on Tour Dates. Also, don't forget, Ryan J. Ebelt made a really cool Kill Tony poster. Not only does he have a print, like he draws every episode every week.

And not only does he have this week's episode, last week's episode, where you can buy a print of his drawing from the episode, you could also buy the really badass Kill Tony movie poster. Just go to Ryan, J-E-Belt, E-B-E-L-T,.com for all the information for that. And TonyHinchcliffe.com. That's right, the golden pony knows how to use a computer here and there Tony Hinchcliffe's website TonyHinchcliffe.com for all his

tour dates and merchandise and all the fun shit he's all over the place nowadays isn't he so check out that and last but not least don't forget to check out ShopSquad.tv that's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe hats, t-shirts,

everything that I draw is made into a shirt and then used to pay for all the podcasts and the gear and all the stuff that we do here at death squad. All right, guys, here's a brand new episode of kill Tony. Hey, this is Rampant coming to you live from the Road Famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 3. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe.

Hey, everybody. Wow. Holy moly. How exciting! What a special show we have, everybody. Hi, welcome. This is so nice and loud in here. Welcome, everyone.

Keep it going for Reagan and Watkins. You just saw them, everyone. Killing it. Fuck yeah. I like this. Look at this packed bitch. You guys ready for a crazy night or what? Motherfuckers. We have the great

Ryan J. E. Belt drawing already tonight's episode. He draws every episode. You can get those prints at ryanjebelt.com including the brand new Kill Tony poster. Limited edition. Unbelievable. It's up on my living room wall. It's so awesome. It's the fucking coolest poster that I've ever seen in my

life and it just so happens to be a poster of this podcast so who wouldn't want one of those? And he usually has some after the show if you want to grab one. He has them for sale. You can get them on the patio after the show. And you can meet the great Ryan J. Ebel, house artist. So what's up, Red Band? How's it going? Not much.

How are you doing? Great. Life is good. I'm excited. This show, Kill Tony, is going to Nashville May 22nd. That's right. To the Wild West Comedy Fest. We're going to be part of a festival. It's going to be fun. I'm going to be in Santa Barbara Friday with Sam Tripoli. Let's keep taking turns. I'm going to be in Cap City this weekend, all weekend.

For those of you listening live on the live stream from Austin, Texas, I'm there this weekend. I'll be at Brea, California Thursday with George Perez. It's almost sold out, so you better get your tickets right now. Speaking of almost sold out so you better get your tickets right now. Speaking of almost sold out, pre-sale tickets start on

Friday for my show, October 8th at the Wilbur Theater in Boston, Massachusetts. That's huge, Tony. That's a huge speeder. Motherfuckers. Damn right it's huge. It's crazy. I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it. No, I'm just kidding. I'm probably probably gonna shoot my next special there haha fuck you idiots i love this i love this evil

monday vibe there's nothing more fun in my fucking week than having crazy times on a monday at eight so let's just get the fuck into it shall we you guys ready to meet tonight's guests i always have two of the funniest human beings on the world on this show. I am so fucking excited about tonight's episode because these are two of my funniest friends, two of the funniest human beings I know. Put your hands together for them. It's Jeff Danis and Brian Moses,

ladies and gentlemen. Here we fucking go. This is exciting. True Comedy Store Black Belts. This is exciting. True comedy store black belts. Motherfucking Brian Moses and Jeff Danis. Welcome to the show, guys. Must be an off week. Moses, you've done the show.

You couldn't get anybody else? No Marin? No what? Does Doug Benson do high to do this? You got the fucking practice squad in here? Ladies and gentlemen, Moses just sold his show, Roast Battle, to Comedy Central. So don't tell me, don't you tell me I don't get good guests on this show. This is the brand newest fucking Comedy Central show.

And it was built and sustains here in the room that you're in right now. One more time for motherfucking roast back. It's a very big deal, Moses. So what the fuck is Danish doing here? I don't know. Trying to figure that out. And what's crazy about that is that I've literally been trying to get you here, sir, for almost three years since the show started. When you're as famous as me, Mondays are booked.

Through about 2017, but I had something fall out last minute. It's after Passover. I figured, why not? I'll come in. I love it. A fun storyline with us is that as much bullying and making fun of people that I do, Jeff was the one that when I started Stand Up Here was hosting all the open mics and would literally shred me to pieces. You've got to start your bullies young. You bully them, and then you move on, and then they become a bully. That's how it happens. It's beautiful. Welcome to the show.

He coined the phrase, he calls the comedy store OR the dojo. The Cobra Kai dojo. He's the guy that fucking said that. I don't know if that's true, but sure, yeah, I did that. I tried to give you a little bit, and you'll take it. I can't be your Ryan O'Neal right now. I'm racist. I don't get set up by black guys. I'm excited about this.

Where's Reagan and Watkins, Josh? You know what? I think they're here somewhere. Actually, they're right there. Oh, my God. I started to worry Wondered if I had enough class But it was Saturday night I guess that makes it alright Here we are

Holy shit. What is happening? I just got herpes simplex 1. That's what just happened right there. I'm really glad that was you. I saw him coming in fast. I didn't know what was happening. Jesus.

More of a popper, not a prince. Yeah, that was a little fucked up. Wow, that was an aggressive entrance. Reagan and Watkins, ladies and gentlemen, with a little prince tribute. I fucking... That was a real man kiss, too. That's got the softest lips. I see now.

I see why you get so much. Was that a first-time kiss from Pat? Yeah, first one from Pat. Moses has a quarter semi. I don't know the term for that. Yeah, it's a quarter pack. Bigger than all three of ours combined is his quarter semi. It looks kind of like this, but much thicker, actually. Girthier sword, for those of you wondering at home.

Welcome, Reagan and Watkins. Beautiful Prince tribute. How long did you guys make those wheels? We did. Who did the crafts on that? We did. Who decided that a Red Bull would describe that it was the steering wheel of a red Corvette? That was me.

Was that last minute? Did a lot of thought go into that? You just committed to the Red Bull? I like the Red Bull. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you guys film the crafts making sessions? It seems like you need to put that up. Show people your hard work behind the scenes.

We should, but I lost the power at my house before I came here. Oh, Jesus. We had to make crafts in the dark. Wow. Oh, sexual. You want to make crafts in the dark. Wow. Sexual. You want to know what these are, Tony? They're infant tutus.

It's creepy you had those on demand. You're like, hey, we could use my infant tutus. I killed two last week. Prince would have wanted it that way. Did you go shopping for that? Oh, yeah, we did. What part did you realize that the little girl tutus would sustain as Prince outfits? That's actually Pat's idea. I mean, did they smell like they've been worn before?

No, Brett. Okay. That's the part where we... Salvation Army baby tutus. That's the part where I get reminded to keep moving along with the show. Nobody helps me more than Red Band to know when to keep the fucking thing going. I went to Goodwill before. They didn't have any infant tutus.

So I had to go to the 99 cent store with Jeremiah. Those go fast. Those use tutus probably. Those were 99 cents? Yeah. Wow. What kind of slutty infant would wear such a thing? What kind of two-timing whore do you have to be?

I'm going to say Mexican is my answer. I agree. I don't think that's racist. It's coming straight racism tonight. Thank you. Who would have known that these do not breathe at all? I'd say the infant who was smothered to death in one.

So let's fucking do this shit, guys. You know how it works. I have a bucket full of comedians' names here, and I pull a name out of the bucket, and they perform 60 seconds, and we can talk with them about anything in the world. Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty.

Ah, it's an adorable little kitten, obviously getting kidnapped by a pterodactyl of some kind. And wrap it up then, guys, we're sure going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Extra loud tonight.

There it is. A little leopard at the end for you. If the bear didn't scare you, that leopard will get you. You guys ready to start this fucking shit or what? Here we go. I am excited, guys. Let's break some dreams. Holy shit.

We met them, I think, last week or two weeks ago for the first time, and I'm so pumped about this. Get ready to hand your mics over, you time, and I'm so pumped about this. Get ready to hand your mics over, you two, because I am bringing up the fucking Veerzy triplets, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit.

Who's traded by the black barrio? Make some meal at the barbershop, your home. Let's see if that can be my scenario. Oh, shit. Thank you. All right. Wow. Oh, thank you. Oh, my gosh.

Our dad is a real manly man. He's a tough construction guy. Yeah, and when we were growing up, he wanted to make sure that his sons were good with their hands. We always said, don't worry, Dad. We've got... Champagne! Champagne! If you couldn't tell by looking at us, we are bad boys.

So bad. Yeah. We do drugs. Took some E the other day. Vitamin E. It's good for my complexion. So bad. We all have fresh ink.

Huh? Yeah. Their wash off. So bad. Probably the most badass thing about us, though, is we all ride a Harley. It's just the one. All three of us kind of get on together. It's two side cars.

Two side cars. So bad. Yeah. All right. Hand those microphones to my esteemed guest. All right. Hand those microphones to my esteemed guest. Accurate. Hey, Tony. I don't know.

Are you real triplets? Yeah. What happened to the guy in the end? He's like the good one. He's the funny one you're saying? No, he's like the Schwarzenegger. He's taller. He's like the dominant.

He wears lifts. You can see his shoes. I got Air Force Ones on. I guess those are lifts. Jesus. Fuck yeah. I think these two should break off is my suggestion right off the bat. I don't know about you guys, but I thought that joke was so bad.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That felt like really bad. Yeah. That felt like really bad Leno set. That was... How long have you guys been doing stand-up again?

You have to talk into the mic, by the way. Three years. You can really tell who the alpha out of these three is. You know what I mean? He grabs that mic stand. Is that three years total? Like one a year each? Or is that three years total? Like one a year each? Or is that three years all together? And how long have you guys been in Los Angeles?

Our whole life. Really? We live like 20 minutes away in Simi Valley. In a chocolate factory of some kind. Yeah. Unrelated question. Were you male high school cheerleaders? All three have the physique for it.

The one in the middle really looks like one. He was a base. I wish. That would be awesome. I know a lot about cheerleading. I'm sure you do. You exposed them. There was definitely some cheerleading background. I could see it, dude. I'm sure you do. Oh, my gosh. You exposed them. Yeah, there was definitely some cheerleading background there. I could see it, dude.

I'm a scout. If anyone out there is trying. We played football and wrestled. Yes. Oh, interesting. Who was the best athlete? I was. Wow.

All three. No, it's not. It's not. It's legitimately proven. Wait a second. The whistle's been blown. There's been triple talk for the first time ever. We'll go over the accolades.

He tours ACL, so he's kind of DQ'd. He was a high school MVP of football. It's a small team. What? It's a small team. 30 people. No, I'm saying size-wise. It's a small team.

That's it. We played the middle school teams. And then he quit. No, but hold on. I was an MVP in rugby in college. It was a club team. They cheered when they lost. They played on an elementary school, by the way.

They played on an elementary school. No team spirit here. They turn on each other. I know. Seriously. I like it. Very competitive. What was the best thing about them is when I walked in, I saw them rehearsing downstairs, walking by.

And I was like, who are these guys? And I noticed you all looked alike. But then it makes sense. Did you walk by and they were doing like jazz hands or something? You were like snapping in and I thought they were like an acapella group who was like trying to break in here. A trash can fire. Yeah. Do do do do, take it back.

Take it back. The fucking Verzi triplets. Tell us something interesting about you guys. Our name is pronounced Verzi triplets. Like Jersey. The Verzi Triplets. Like Jersey. Verzi. The Verzi Triplets.

What? The Triplets? Never mind. I definitely liked your set last time better. This time definitely seemed more rehearsed. Something you'd see on like America's Got Talent or something. Like shoot me in the mouth. I was trying to tell him.

I'd imagine with three of you there'd always be one that's like I don't know if we should do this one guys. I don't know if the fucking jazz hands. I was trying to tell him. I'd imagine with three of you, there'd always be one that's like, I don't know if we should do this one, guys. I don't know if the fucking jazz hands is the thing. I was all over it. I said, listen. Right, right. Jazz hands doesn't really translate to the podcast. That's what I was saying.

For the audience. How does it work? Does one of you write, or do all three of you write? All three of you. Any of you? Do any of you write? I want to go off on these motherfuckers. Do it! Do it! Let's do it!

Here we go. Pat, if you want to vent, you can vent, dude. Get passionate. I wish you were a crip. You were a blood. You guys killed each other. You were some kind of forest ranger service who came by and collected the body,

and then you shot yourself. I wish I had three bullets right now. If you guys thought our little red Corvette entrance was hacky, are you fucking kidding me? I don't know. This was like America's Got Talent shit. This is like the lowest

part of America. This is like... And you guys are nice, but like... This is how I feel. I think you shouldn't hold back, dude. You should really just

vent out a bit. You kind of held back, I thought. A couple punches were full. Who said the red Corvette was hacky? I liked it. By the way, Pat, I mean, what happened? Did you, like, lose two brothers in delivery or something? Like, what are you so mad at these guys for?

I mean, furious. No, man. It's just, you know, I do a little something, little something stranger, and I always see audiences respond to shit that I hate. By the way, you can catch Pat on the next season of American Idol, by the way. You guys are American Idol dog shit. What kind of insult is that? Hey, Tony.

Yeah. How many Fruit of the Loom t-shirt packs do you think they go through a year? I was waiting for that one. Whoa, Jeremiah hitting a home run early in the first inning. Too many. Too many. I love that. Home run.

So, Verzi triplets. Is there one of you guys that gets caught jerking off by the two of you a lot more than the other one? Back in the day, yeah. Back in the day, I had a thing called – it was a very low point. I had a thing called two-a-days. It was during summer, so I'd wake up in the morning and jerk off, and then at night I would jerk off. Do all of you have that lisp a little bit or just this one? Just him.

Wow. Who's so into jerking off that they name it something like after a football team does to get ready for the season? It was during two-a-days, so it just seemed suiting. I got to jerk it. I'm so turned on in the locker room. I got to jerk it before practice, and I got to go home and jerk it after practice. Maybe you guys should do two-a-day writing sessions. Whoa, man.

Yeah. Wow. Fuck yeah. The Verzi triplets. The last time you guys were on, you were acclaimed heroes, and you're just getting your souls taken away today. That's okay. We need that.

That's good. I love that. Can't wait to see the swarming fighting style of them attacking Pat in the parking lot. Just fucking on each other's shoulders, totem pole attack style. Is there any reason you think why you have the lisp and the other two don't? Were you like grandpa's favorite or something? Like what happened? He was pulled out of the womb by the force of the tongue on the forceps.

Just fucking too much. I don't know. I really don't. No idea, huh? I took classes when I was younger to get rid of it, and I guess you'd never had it. I'm not a retard. Oh, look at that. I told you.

He's got to branch out, dude. These guys are holding him back. He just threw shade on his two brothers. Oh, man. Keep him in check. Fuck yeah. All right, guys. Well, it was nice meeting you guys again.

Hey, Tony. You know the thing that meeting you guys again. Hey, Tony. You know the thing that bugged me about their set? Yeah. I actually didn't mind their set. The only thing that bugged me was the snapping wasn't in unison. That's true. You know what I would love to see? You know what just hit me?

I would love to see the Verzi triplets go up against somebody in a roast battle. Three against one. Oh, yeah. In one of those undercards, Moses. Can I play a little match? I'm in. Can I be instigator on a matchmaker here? Yeah, we've done tag team.

Maybe the triplets versus Pat Reagan in an undercard? Hold on. Let's do the triplets versus Pat Reagan in the parking lot. We're not. Oh. Whoa. Whoa. I've never seen a...

What about this as a battle? Wow. And here we go. Stand down, man. Right. Stand down. The Versi triplets are so short that they just got little toddler tutu right in the face. You guys just got dwarfed.

Who gave Godzilla a saxophone? Oh, my God. Godzilla saxophone. I love that. Now, are you guys bad cop, good cop over there? Jeremiah, how do you feel about that? Are you with your boy Pat on this? Man, if Pat wants a fight, I'll throw him out.

I see a three-on-two handicap battle right here on this stage. Yeah, I love that. You know what? I think that's what should happen. Should we do an improvised roast-off right here? Let's see what happens. Those are rules. You know what to say, Moses.

Yeah, all right. It's three of you guys. Come up with a joke, gentlemen, and you guys take it easy on them, all right? All right. We have to tell jokes? Try to make fun of those two, you idiots. You guys first. You guys second.

Let's roast! Boom. I mean, look at us right now. That's not the first time Pat has had his head in an infant's dress, underneath an infant's dress. All right, this is not going well. I had a feeling. Wait, wait, wait. Okay, with a rebuttal now.

Jeremiah. These trippers look like Huey, Louie, and Gooey. Okay. See, it wasn't even that good, but everybody wants to see the Bersie triplets go down right now. I got one.

I got one. Oh, shit. You guys are snap, crackle, and stop doing comedy. Folks. That's what I'm fucking talking about. Verzi triplets, there you go. Any parting words for the Veri triplets, guys? Moses, anything?

Gentlemen, get into modeling. Beautiful. I think your future's in rose paddling. From what I just saw here, I'd say more. More of it. It's great. I love it. I think Mitchell's future with us is limited.

Well, there they go, everybody. The fucking versi triplets, everyone. I love it. They're on Twitter at Verzi triplets. That's so fun. I love that little improvised fucking roast. I think the show should be over after that. We're just getting started, baby.

We will not snap, crackle, and stop. That's unbelievable. The honky-tonk man. I thought he was going to guitar one of them over the heads. Jesus. We will not snap, crackle, and stop. That's unbelievable. That was real hate from Pat. The honky-tonk man. I thought he was going to guitar one of them over the heads. I wanted it. Pat.

It's like Pat's so upset because he has a concave chest, and they just have so much chest. You know what I mean? I think they're at their most vulnerable, so they're like, we got nothing to fucking lose. There's three of these guys. There's five foot two, all of them. Let's just fucking go out with a vengeance.

Jeremiah, I love this look, dude. You would play the best gay Dracula of all time. Is that the... Are you wearing the Seinfeld puffy shirt right now? What the fuck is that? Let's keep this motherfucker going. You ready to see your next comedian? Anything can happen.

Pretty crazy. Spontaneity at its best. That was unbelievable. Put your hands together for, this looks like a new name. How about Ryan Higgins, everybody? Alright. Alright. There we go. Hello everybody, how you doing?

Seem like a cocaine crowd, right? You guys like coke? I never liked cocaine. I don't understand it. I hate my thoughts. Why would I want them to be faster? I never liked cocaine. I don't understand it. I hate my thoughts. Why would I want them to be faster? It doesn't make sense. That's like giving your high school bully a gym membership.

There you go. That's the bit. That is the bit. Oh. Is that it? Are you done? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. With that bit? Yeah you done? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow. With that bit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have 40 seconds left. Do you do that between bits? I'm very efficient. This guy's got a tight 10 seconds. And by tight, I mean not that tight.

It's not that tight. It's more of a loose 10 seconds. I keep my 10 loose. I think just constructive criticism, starting off with one of these, is not a good move. Digs you a hole. I didn't know if the mic was on, and I was like, oh, this is a nightmare. You saw three men talking. Literally talking.

Yeah. Yeah, but like not that microphone was triplet tested yeah I know and no one approved I love it

Ryan Higgins what's your story man why'd you only do 20 seconds I was I was going over it and when I went over that bit

I was like that's 30 seconds but this is a 60 second show even that even then you'd still have another 30 did you do cocaine while doing that joke like that's 60 seconds that's it right there i know how am i gonna rush a coke bit i've never fucking thought that possible honey but i did it you know actually i'm fucking alt that's what what I am. I'm alternative. And I win really quick on a coke bit. It's actually, you know, very fucking... I'm not very good. But...

But... I mean, after the triplet evisceration, I was just in awe. I love it. You're catching back up. You're being honest and real. I like what you're doing now. I'm in the fucking moment.

Jeremiah is in gargoyle position right now. Oh. I think he can headline with a minute someday. Yeah, yeah. I think that's where, you know, I started at ten. You're a host. You're hosting

for like the minute headliner. Then you can do 40 seconds to feature. Beautiful. I fucking love this. How long have you been on stand-up, Ryan? About... Let's roast! God damn it. Six years.

Six years? It seems like you have a lot of time to show for it, which is good. Constructive, yeah. What, in dog years? Oh, gosh, because they don't live long. Shit. Ryan, where have you been doing it six years at?

North Carolina. Oh, wow. How long have you been in Los Angeles? This would be month four. Wow. Ten seconds. Ten. Okay.

How many times can ten seconds be the answer? I rushed it, you know? How quick does he come? Ten seconds. Oh, there you go. Joke's on you. My dick don't work. Oh!

How about that? Coke, dick. How about that? Coke, dick. How about that? You just got iced, my friend. Joke's on you. My dick don't work.

Don't even work. Wow. Don't even. Joke is on you. Is that? Yeah. Somehow. Is that true?

You are very into that. Ryan, please. That can't be true. Is it? It is true. It's pretty true. What happened? Yeah.

Actually, I got off my antidepressants not too long ago. And so I'm like, all kinds of shit's fucking going weird. I mean, do you get like morning boners or just nothing ever? Oh, dude, I haven't had a morning boner in so, so fucking long. I had a morning boner in 10 seconds. Oh, my God. Really? So you can't get a boner?

It's weird. You just don't think about it when you're depressed. It just doesn't. About the boner or about titties? That could be why you're depressed, actually. Say what? That's one of the reasons I went off antidepressants. Yeah?

Yeah, that and because a lot of people kill themselves. If you're going off antidepressants like David Foster Wallace, a lot of people that I look up to. And I was like, man, people like kill themselves. A lot of people I look up to does not work when you have a tutu around your neck, okay? Well, you know, like the great author, you know, whatever the fuck. Yeah.

But yeah, it fucks with your sex drive a lot. Is that it? Is there anything else? Do you take dick pills? No, no. Like, the ladies aren't fucking mean. Don't look at me like that when you fucking – Like, I'm the bad guy over here. I know. Why did I do that?

No, I want my dick to work. This is hostile. I don't know why I did that. That's not why I did it. He's from North Carolina. Look at your melanin. Oh. That's a great point.

The hatred. That's right. The hatred. He's picturing a rope. Yeah, yeah. It's not on a swing set, Moses. How do you feel about the restroom deal in North Carolina? Any thoughts on that? It's not on a swing set, Moses. How do you feel about the restroom deal in North Carolina? Any thoughts on that?

I think it's really shitty. You know, I try and defend North Carolina all the time, but now it's just like, eh, it's full of hate. Sorry. I used to be like, there's some really good people. Now I'm just like, yeah, you should go. What do you do for work? I walk dogs.

This is the most depressing. Right. This gets worse and worse. I thought the dick would be the tip of the iceberg. Who's happy in here? I don't know where you all. Who's the happiest people? That was the funniest thing you said tonight.

Thank you. Who's happy in here? Who's happy? Who comes up here and you guys are like, God damn that guy. I fucking, one day. The triplets. Yeah, they seemed all right. Tell us something else interesting about you, Ryan. What else do you like to talk about?

What else are you into? This is like behind the school shooter. That's what I feel like. What have you been doing since Columbine? No, no. What's your favorite handgun? I'm a Mossberg shotgun kind of guy, but if I have to in a pinch, I'll use a revolver. Which floor do you start on? That's a great question.

That is a great school shooter question. No, I'm so happy. You guys think I look young enough to go to school. That would be like an extracurricular activity of mine. No, I'm a... Adult school shooter. Okay. I did fail out of community college. That can be frustrating. Really tough

to get to classes when you're not allowed within 500 feet of one. I'm sober, too. How long has that been a thing for I'm figuring out why you're depressed do you do anything for fun at all comedy well you don't come

you almost said come there we figured out that doesn't happen just be honest with us I do comedy and I fucking I'm left with my thoughts a lot wow do you have candles burning in your closet with like newspaper clippings taped to it I'm left with my thoughts a lot. Wow. Interesting. Do you have candles burning in your closet

with newspaper clippings taped to it? How did we get to this serial killer? You're really sad. I bet you kill people, you fuck. How did we get there? I sort of feel like you would have rolled with it if you weren't a serial killer. Yeah.

Why are you getting so defensive but out of all the things we talked about you're like whoa whoa whoa how do you guys know about the newspaper clippings on my wall it is pretty suspicious but um you know no video games roller coasters i do like gaming i like i do like game i game some crazy shit ever happen when you're walking these people's dogs? No, but a lot of times you show up and they're there. You know? Like, you think you're doing it just because they're not.

But they're like, just take my shitty dog somewhere. It's like, okay, all right. None of us dog walker, yeah. Does the dog ever get a boner and you're like, how dare you put it in my face? Put the shit back in. All the fucking time. All the fucking time. All the fucking time. But, you know.

Ryan, I wish you the best of luck. And fucking, you know, go for a jog or something, man. Get the fucking chemicals flowing, you know. Get your heart beating. Do something. Yeah, shoot some hoops, not people. No, yeah, absolutely. Exactly.

Can we get that on a t-shirt, please? Shoot hoops, not people. There you go. Try prayer, maybe. Exactly. Can we get that on a t-shirt, please? Shoot hoops, not people. There you go. Try prayer, maybe. I don't know. Ryan, next time, do your time. Okay. Do 60 seconds.

And any set you do, do the length of time that you're supposed to sort of maybe do. Because you actually seem really funny. Just us talking to you. I would have loved to have heard an extra 40. I could do a minute. Can you just do one more short joke? Prove it. We just tried. What the fuck? I can do a minute. I can do a minute. Can you just do one more short joke? Prove it! I can do a minute.

Why didn't you do a minute? Honestly, I thought I would do 30, and then I came up here and it was 10. You should have done 50 seconds of solid crowd work. Oh, God damn it. No one could see. Well, that's why I come here. I come here to grow as a comic. Is there one last quick joke that you want to close with?

Yeah, I could do something. Yeah, do it. Out here in L.A., you meet a lot of angry atheists. And I'm not fucking buying it. I don't buy it. And I say that because have you ever met somebody that is way too mad at their ex that it makes you think, this is still something. This is still something there.

I feel like these angry atheists want to be like, there is no God. He isn't real. He isn't there. But is he like... God! You're the worst. Don't celebrate and put your arms up like that was cool. You don't get to do that when it sucks. the worst. Don't celebrate and put your arms up like that was cool. You don't get to do that when it sucks.

The worst. He goes through all that fucking setup. You're the worst. Look at Reagan and Watkins. Take your beatings from them. You deserve it. Look at them over there. Look how sad they are.

Are we doing jokes? Were you actually getting to something? Look at them over there. Look how sad they are. Are we doing jokes? Were you actually getting to something? I was definitely on the edge there wondering if you had anything left. Either Brian was a genius or an asshole. Let's figure it out. Was there a punchline? On this week's episode of Was There a Punchline?

We go to you, Ryan. Were you actually getting somewhere? Or was that it? Did you have a stroke at the end of that joke or something? Oh, God. I love the blood we all smell right now. Like, you're nothing, motherfucker. No, you're great, by the way. I love you.

I kept you up here for an extra joke. I know, I know. I'm sorry. I was going to turn and go, he isn't there, you know. God, I hate this dissecting. It was a long turn, though. It was like, I'm done. Was it? It was like, I'm done. I was waiting for you to be like, that's my there. God, I hate this dissecting. It was a long turn, though. Was it? It was like, I'm done.

I was waiting for you to be like, that's my bit. That's my bit. Just bail out. I do not blame you for that. I do not blame you. Were you a politician? I feel like one right now. I did not.

With that woman? I really feel like one right now. But I was going to turn and go, but has he asked about me? Wow. Has he asked about me? It was a long break. Brian, you're an asshole. I think we all agree that he was turning

like that was it, right? I thought it was it. No. Has he asked about me? What am I doing? Jesus Christ. Ryan, stick with me. Ryan, up here. How's it going? no Ryan what am I doing Jesus Christ Ryan stick with me over here buddy

Ryan up here how's it going how are you it was so nice to meet you you're very very funny man it's cool stuff and yeah you are

you're a little bit weird and different and that's cool and I like your style and I hope you come back Ryan Higgins everybody there he goes fuck yeah golden Tony

people like Ryan is the reason why I wear bulletproof vests underneath my jackets here during this show yeah just here if you want to kill Tony aim for the head

thank you Moses thank you for giving away my old Achilles heel there. My skull. Everybody, there is no vest over my face. It is true. I pulled another name out of the bucket, and the name is Daniel

Balshin, everyone. I don't see any movement happening whatsoever. No signs of him. Oh, look at that. That's what happens. Wow. All right. How about Nicole Buchanan, everybody? Holy shit.

Here we go hey guys I grew up in Orange County and going to high school in Orange County is pretty much like going to high school anywhere else you have your artists, your jocks, your nerds a black guy just one kind of like this room anywhere else. You have your artists, your jocks, your nerds, a black guy. Just one. Kind of like this room. I wanted him to think I was cool. There he is. Shut up, you're cutting

into my minute jackass alright that one guy I wanted him to think I was cool I remember one time he made a joke in reference to the rap group NWA and I didn't know what that meant and he could have let it go because I laughed anyway because I wanted him to think I was cool he could have let it go

but instead he turned to me and goes Nicole do you even know what NWA stands for and I was like National Women's Association to let it go, but instead he turned to me and goes, Nicole, do you even know what NWA stands for? And I was like, National Women's Association? It's really embarrassing. Now I know what it means. Then I realized that asshole had me either way, because even if I did know what it meant, I can't say that shit out loud. You have to be an N with A

to say that out loud. Okay. Boom. Nicole Bacchia. Been on this show before. Student. Big fan of this set. Thank you. There's a lot more to that. It was interesting seeing comedy for the first time tonight.

Yeah, exactly. It was. Very impressive. Horse of Truth just came out. For those of you diehard listeners, that was the Horse of Truth. And, yeah, you're doing jokes. That's fun. How's comedy going?

Good. I love it more than anything. That's great. I love it. That's sweet. You can still hear the nervousness in your voice. I'm a little afraid of Pat right now. I'm afraid he's going to go off on me like he did on the triplets.

What is it? He's scary. I'm afraid he's going to go off on me. He has a lot of built-up energy today, and I'm a little terrified. That's true. I am quite pent up. You sort of could pass as a fourth-versi triplet now that I look at it, actually.

He looks just like them, yeah. He seems like he's working through some things today. Look at them, by the way. Look how creepy they are on the fucking stairway, these three assholes. There's three stairs there. I like them. It's just Percy triplet heads all the way up the stairs right now. How do they pick who gets to be the taller two

on the higher steps? It's the one that you wanted to break away. He's on the top. You know it's where he stands. That's your guy. It's like the beginning of a sitcom. Always at the top. Yeah, it is very sitcom beginning.

Pat, are you okay? Yeah, yeah. Do you need to kiss me again or something? Oh, Jesus. I'm just asking. Do it. Oh, my God.

This is the gayest episode of Kill Tony ever. Oh, look what this. Oh, God. All right. What did I do? Oh, fuck! Oh, shit! I hate myself!

What the fuck did I just do? For a laugh! That's so gross. Oh, my God. I'm going to say it again. Pat, you have the softest lips. I get it. I totally get it.

This is called making a homosexual. It's like Ryan Post. Really? The show goes on. You're like, your dick is so pretty, Pat. I don't know what it is about it. This is called making a homosexual. It's by Brian Moses. Really? The show goes on. You're like, your dick is so pretty, Pat. I don't know what it is about it. It's nice. Yeah.

It's musical. I was watching behind because I stood up. Moses, you were hesitant. Like, is this really going to happen? And Pat was like, it's happening. He fucking went in. Dog in there. Oh, you were open mouth.

And I don't know if you were close. You're not supposed to open mouth It was open mouthed Pat was going for tongue bro Pat goes in for the kill I'm just glad that you've decided Pat With your improvising skills To pick the episode with like Brian Moses

And not like Bill Burr for that one Or anything like that In honor of Prince I get it Yeah totally Thank goodness again that Prince died this week and not the episode with Bill Burr. I wonder if Ryan Higgins' dick works now that we just made.

Ryan Higgins just came three times in the back of the room. He's like, that's what it is. I need interracial fucking making of him gay, dude. It's alright. Fuck yeah. Speaking of interracial, NWA girl. Now, this one guy you tried to make your friend, you said, right? Did you ever sleep with this guy? Are you into that guy?

The one black guy in your fucking county. He was prom king. I didn't sleep with him though. That's a lot of power. The one black guy was the prom king? Yeah. He cured racism. Yeah, goddamn.

I don't know what kind of royalty they think is happening up there, but I've never seen a black king in my life. I bet there were a lot of angry fucking dads. His vote still counted as three-fourths, though. So he wasn't really much of a king. That's three-fifths. Three-fifths, yeah.

Three-fifths? Sorry, I'm not very smart. Guys, it's actually pronounced prom-kang. Oh, shit. It's a corruption. Dude, you kissed Solon to this guy. You made him fart blast. First of all, it's Prom Toby, but whatever.

Where is it that you're from? Huntington Beach in Orange County. Oh, yeah. There's definitely no black people down there. No. How long have you been doing stand-up? Since September, so like seven, eight months. I liked how you kind of riffed a little bit off the cuff.

You don't see that a lot with people who are just – a lot of people are very rote. Especially in a 60-second set or 10, whatever your fancy is. Yeah. Yeah, totally. It's, you know, yeah. And sometimes also when people do go for it, it just doesn't work. But you were able to figure out both. That's so fun.

What else has happened? And what else is going on with your life? You're going to college, right? Yeah, I'm in school. I go to UCLA. It's boring. I don't like it. What are you studying?

Too many black lives. Political science. God, way to have a backup plan. What an idiot. So the guy that was the prom king, he was probably a backup plan. What an idiot. So the guy that was the prom king, he was probably the super athlete and everything else, right? I don't think he was an athlete. He was just

a really good looking... He was buff. He was a really good looking black guy. And you never landed it? No. Do you want to kiss a black guy right now? Yeah. First of all... Moses, you dirty whore. Whoa. You better go.

I can't. I'm going to tell you something. I only kiss dudes on Kill Tony. In the history of Kill Tony, this might be the meanest thing I've ever seen, by the way. Why? He's going fucking dick to mouth with Pat Reagan, and he won't kiss a poor college girl on the lip.

I thought you were accusing me of being mean. I'm just trying to make people's dreams come true. Sorry about that. Leave it to a Jew to pimp out a black guy. I was going to make money off that after the show. See, had you known the NWA reference, by the way, Moses totally would have. He'd already be in your asshole. I was going to say, like, yeah, you can't. I can never say that. You can say the NWA reference, by the way, Moses totally would have. He'd already be in your asshole. I was going to say, like, yeah, you can't.

I can never say that. You can say the N-word in the bedroom. You know what I think? I've been told that. Another. That's why you white girls out there, you can always say the N-word right before I come. The way I come, actually. I just saw something great for the first time.

I just saw Nicole literally censored herself. You literally just went, I've been told that when I was with a guy. It was unbelievable. You went in and edited the podcast and then re-released it live. It was incredible.

Yes, I was definitely once with a guy. She literally did it. It was unbelievable. I watched it. Her dad's going to be listening. He's like, what went in there? I don't know. Wait, wait, that one black guy?

I know one thing. My girl's definitely not hooking up with any black guys. I know she didn't say the word black there for sure. Wait, her dad's from Orange County. It doesn't sound like that. He may have moved, though. You don't know where he started out. Orange County, Texas,'t sound like that. He may have moved, though. You don't know where he started out. Orange County, Texas, dude.

Fuck yeah. Well, Nicole, great stuff. You did comedy. You did it. You really want to kiss her? I only kiss dudes on Kill Tony. Come on. I got to commit to the bit.

She hasn't fucked enough comics for Moses to be into her yet. For a minute. What? Am I done now? Well, there you go. Nicole Buchanan. Great stuff. There she goes, everybody.

She's on Twitter at Nicole Buchanan. That's her. Another comedian. Moses, somehow this turned into you being a dirty whore tonight. By the way, that's how rumors get started. I've kissed one guy the whole night. Now I'm a whore being a dirty whore tonight. By the way, that's how rumors get started.

I've kissed one guy the whole night. Now I'm a whore. A dirty whore. Well, you kissed him twice. Yeah. That's a good point. Totally. It may happen again.

The night's still young, guys. I love it. Wow. This is definitely a new name or else I'd remember this one. How about Curtis Taylor III? So if you're Curtis Taylor or Curtis Taylor Jr., not you, but Curtis Taylor III.

So you guys already met the first and second black dude, I'm obviously the third. Proven by my last name. Thanks. Yeah, thanks. now I gotta get everybody else give me 30 seconds so I'm at a point now I get to go visit family and it's kind of cool because I'm from the bay but nothing's better than meeting my hood cousins I got cool names like Hakeem and shakrito i didn't pick it they live in compton and it's cool i get inspirational speeches like

i don't know whether they're gonna rob me because they family or they gonna give me that motivation. It's cool. I get to take care of my great aunt. I'm hoping that she dies so I can have her house. It's real talk. Every morning she asks me to go get some milk. I went out.

As I'm driving, I look to the left. I see a black dude on a horse. and that kind of messed my day up. I thought I would see some Django, but when you hear a horse, instead I hear. There you go. Fuck yeah. Curtis Taylor III. I love it.

All right. I think we found Nicole's prom king for that high school she was in. There he is. Prom king, Curtis Taylor III. Let's talk outfit first, comedy second. Fuck yeah. All right. Fucking, this is blacker combi and fish right here.

I like the getup. Blacker combi and fish. Is this every day? Yeah. The shoes, the whole nine? Yeah. The varsity the whole nine? Yeah. The varsity jacket? I used to wear suits a lot.

And then I feel like I want to be in the 50s, but in a good way. Yeah, the outfit looks like. Wow. That's a good answer. You want to vote and fucking drink from water fountains, but also look the part. No, I want to. I mean, I want to have sex with a white girl

and make her dad feel kind of angry but also her mom inspirational. You know, that kind of makes you... I like it. You look like

an assistant manager at a bowling alley. That's what you look like. He looks like... And you kept the shoes, my nigga, for real. He looks like he would work

at the diner that Marty McFly would always go to. And Back to the Future. It's this new Black to the Future. Fuck yeah. It's called Go Black to Africa. That's Brian Moses, in case you're listening at home.

Yeah, they should know. That was a real black on black crime right there, man. You could have shown me some love. Curtis Taylor III. Not to be confused with any other Curtis Taylor Jr. or Curtis Taylor, the original. No way. No way.

Curtis, where are you from? San Jose. How long have you been here? I was out here for like 10 months, and then I went back to the Bay, and I've just been bouncing back and forth. Did you say he says 55 years? He actually is from the 50s.

Every year I just get a new one. That's why I got first. Took that 50 years and then went to the second. Got another 50. This is the next century. So you've been out here for a few months? Yeah. My dad stays out here. So I kind of bounce back and forth through California. This is like a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air situation.

I think he may be reversed though. He moved out of a rough area and came here. Down from the bay, came in down to LA. I used to spend every summer in LA. This is where I spend most of my days. Does your dad dress like a Cabbage Patch doll, too? Or is that just... Imagine matching father-son.

It'd be unbelievable. No, my dad's a track coach for US teams. So he's kind of wearing a lot of tight like, tight outfits and usually doesn't fit them. It's cool. Oh, like the Verzi twins. Good job. Yeah. Your dad's, like, an Olympic track coach?

Yeah, for, like, high school kids. If they want to go to, like, 18 and under, that division, he coaches through that. So he still likes that pedophilia shit, but he likes to mix it with sports. That's great. I went too far. I went too far. I went too far. I found the edge. I just red-banned it.

It happens sometimes. We all red-band it every once in a while. Red-band more than others. Did your dad make you run a lot? My dad coached at my rival school. Whoa. You got real daddy issues, dude. I'm a good version of

family issues. My mom and dad divorced when I was starting my first day of high school. I picked my dad. My dad coached at my rival school, so I made a lot of friends with my classmates. That's about it. I didn't really... How'd you do against your father's team? Oh, we were undefeated all four years. Damn. Fuck you, dad. You personally, really. How'd you do against your father's team? Oh, we were undefeated all four years. Damn.

Fuck you, dad. You personally, though. Me personally? I ran 400 yard and 110 high hurdles and 400 hurdles. You dropped blue ribbons on your old man? Yeah. I hold like a title at my school for like the most years. Yeah.

With blue ribbons. Blue ribbons. Like that. I love how involved with track your dad is. He must be the only black guy that when he fires a gun, no one gets hurt. What track team did you grow up with with a coach shooting off the fucking pistol? Well, I mean, it uses a little imagination,

but track is as low budget of a sport as it gets. I'm pretty sure if the coach offered to fire up a gun, they'd be like, yeah, we got no one else for it. Does that ever happen? You would probably actually know. Who does fire the gun? It's a ref, a referee. Really? They have a referee for track? I thought just common sense was the referee.

You fucking won. They have them show up 15 minutes early, then they hand them the gun And then they shoot it And then they hand it back And then each event They hand it to different people Jesus

I don't know why I know all this Jesus What are you running? Like a similar outfit? Oh no Yeah If you ran in those shoes

Doing hurdles You'd be fucking a lot of chicks It's true Do you run in What do you even call those? Saddlebacks Saddlebacks. Saddlebacks. Wow.

They look like the... That's a very quick answer. He's ordered a few pair. Can we see what's underneath the jacket? What are you sporting there? Tie. Oh, wow. Fuck yeah.

Straight off of a mannequin at fucking Kendrick Lamar's house. I love it. Is that how the kids fold the belts now? I didn't really have like... What do you mean by the kids? Those childlike animals. I think you meant another word, but Moses is sitting here, so he couldn't say it. What do you guys think when I'm not here, by the way?

First time listener. A lot less gay activity. Let's just say that... All couldn't say it. What do you guys think when I'm not here, by the way? First time listener. A lot less gay activity. Let's just say that... All right, forget it. Curtis Taylor III, tell us something else about you. What's some other stuff you're into other than stand-up comedy? Any fun facts?

Are you into skydiving or anything like that? Obviously fashion. I bowl. I mean, obviously by my shoes. You really do? I really bowl. I know it! Swing dancing. That's a really do? I really bowl. I know it. Swing dancing.

That's a real thing? I went to art school for, yeah, I went to art school. Can you do the twist for us? I joined a white fraternity. What the fuck? Yeah. What's the feeling? It's called that?

It's called white fraternity? No, not the bowling alley. Oh, for sure. It should be. You really are like a throwback dude. You like like old school stuff. Yeah. Tony.

Classic man. Tony, this is where we find out he's actually Stefan from Family Man. How often do you go bowling? I go bowling once a week. Once a week? Yeah. What's your handicap? I don't have a handicap.

I usually bowl around like... That's how nice he is, bro. i don't have a handicapped nigga bowling bowling do you have your own ball no no you're once a week guy you have the shoes already i just i just go in and just pick which ball and then okay this is cool bro lebowski right bro lebowski do you go by yourself? Yeah, I usually, I bowl and then I, like, write in between. So that's, like, my in-between time. You write in between shooting the ball?

Yeah, so I write, yeah, every time I bowl, I just write and then I have, like, ten lines. You write, like, comedy while bowling? Yeah. That is incredible. Do you write, like, super sad shit when you, like, gutter ball and then super sad shit when you gutter ball and then... I'd say, fuck the earlier guy. This is the first black serial killer right here. Rolling with a fucking notebook. First of all, the DC sniper is the first black serial killer.

And then it's the Grim Sleeper. Who's Curtis Taylor II? I think this might be a Verzi triplet situation we're dealing with. I'm the third one of the band formerly known as the Taylor triplet. If you get three strikes, you call it a chicken? Oh my god. It's still called turkey, by the way.

How dare you? Instead of turkey, it's chicken. Chicken, because black people like chicken. Because he's black and he's fried. Wow. You know what? I'm not kissing you, because black people like chicken. Because he's black and he's fried. He's fried a chicken. Wow. You know what?

You have one more. You have one more in you. You got one more. Give me a watermelon bowling ball joke. Jesus Christ. What? That would be dope, by the way. I'm encouraging the guy. If I saw a bowling ball look like a watermelon,

that would be sick. That would actually be kind of, yeah. You'd break your teeth. Why everywhere I go it's always so fucking racist? Hollywood, you're black, I'm Jewish, you're doing way better than me. It's unfair. Nobody knows you're Jewish. Yeah, it's true.

Chris D'Elia's ruining it for me. It's unfair. Nobody knows you're Jewish. Yeah, it's true. Chris D'Elia's ruining it for me. For action films, you can be his action double. Yeah, I guess. That was the saddest thing ever. Oh my god. All of a sudden, Curtis Taylor's trying to help you out, Jeff.

Take my seat. I'm going to do ten seconds. His dick doesn't work either. Wow. is trying to help you out, Jeff. Take my seat. I'm going to do 10 seconds. See how I got going. His dick doesn't work either. Wow. So great. Jeremiah, what's that dance that you keep doing? The running man.

Curtis, do you pick up a lot of chicks? It seems like a guy bowling by himself could pick up a lot of chicks in a bowling alley. Do you ever swing dance at the bowling alley? No. I picked up a lot of chicks at a bowling alley. Do you ever swing dance at the bowling alley? No. I picked up a lot of dancing. That's not swing music. Brian's literally trying to...

Okay. Curtis, tell us more about anything. I'm from San Jose. If you haven't been there, there's this track that's in downtown where it makes like a weird noise. And as you drive by, it goes,

and you can get hit by it. It's right in the middle of like the cross. Have you, if anybody ever been, you guys know? It's like right, it's like a light rail system where you're walking down the street and the light rail's right there.

So you kind of have to pay attention or you might get hit by it. So it keeps your eyes up. That's San Jose. Yeah, he took your talk about anything very literally. Nailed it. Talking about the year 1957. It was a crazy year.

You definitely have to keep your head up and your eyes up. Now you know how white people feel walking around black neighborhoods. Pretty much it. It's all a light train. He looks like the sixth heartbeat. I knew that wasn't going to work.

Only me and Curtis are going to get that in my single mother. We got the second black dude back there. He's got it. Curtis, you're not on social media, huh? I am on social media. There was no social media in 195 social media I put it in my email he fucking writes his name on paper and puts it up on the ice cream social

you put an email for your twitter handle yeah ok just send your emails and your tweets to us. Well, Curtis Taylor III, it was nice to meet you, man. We'll see you again soon. CT3! There he goes. I like that. CT3.

Fuck yeah. Curtis Taylor III. It's all happening. Fuck yeah. Is this the first time ever you haven't played both of your two songs yet? Are you still sitting on one? We've got a few more. Oh.

We played one of them. You missed it. Oh, really? Minorities are killing right now. Those triplets, the other dude, but the chick and the black dude right now. Straight white males, step your fucking game up. Look at you taking the chick as a minority. That's a minority.

Women are minorities. Stretching it a little bit. Womenism, civil rights, yeah. Thank you, lady. See a minority. That's a minority. Women are minorities. Feminism, civil rights, yeah. Thank you, lady. See, she gets it. Minority, yeah. What are you, running for fucking office? We need to stick together. Women, blacks, Asians, Mexicans.

No, when Kanye wins in 2020, I'm his running partner, so yeah. Fuck yeah. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This name is Stevie Timble. Fuck yeah. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This name is Stevie Timble. A little trouble getting out of his chair.

I'm dating an identificational racist. And, uh... You know, you're wondering how that could be. My friend left his debit card in my car, and I said, dude, swing by. My girlfriend's there. You could pick it up. Just knock on the door. She'll give it to you. My friend comes over, knocks on the door.

My girlfriend gives it to him. I go, I go home and talk to her and she's like, so your friend, do you think I gave it to the right guy? And I'm like, yeah, you should have. I don't think anybody else should have came to the house. What did he look like? And he said, well, he was dark. He was dark and he was about six foot tall. like and he said well he was dark he was dark and he was about six foot tall my friend's white and he's about five foot three and i said baby i worry about some of the things you say because honestly if you say that to a police officer they're gonna be like what did the guy look like uh he was uh dark and about six feet tall fuck yeah i heard people laughing about other things other than

like I mean like I heard a few people laugh like during this set but it was obviously like something they were reading on their phone or something like that. Because I heard a couple chuckles but it was like they must have gotten a Snapchat or something like that, you know what I mean?

Because it was definitely from nothing that happened up there. I mean, in an unbelievable twist. All of a sudden, really, I mean, just nothing in 60 seconds. Almost impressive. Jeremiah?

Almost impressive. Tony, he looks like he beat up black guys in the 50s. This is my friend. I've heard of Jersey Shore, but Jersey Boar? I definitely don't want to see any Jersey more. No. Now let's talk about you. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Stevie, relax. Relax, Stevie. Relax. Don't you step on my lap, Stevie. I wanted to show you some respect, so I watched your Netflix special, One Shot, everybody. Oh, shit. Oh, wait, is this about to be on? I think I know. Here we go.

I think I see a set up here. Hold on a second. Oh, my God. You have a lot of nerve to make fun of a guy with one eye at a fucking auto shop. Oh, yeah. He talked to me with the confidence of a man with two eyes. It's like, dude, don't talk to people with the confidence of a person with a full body weight. I turned that off after two minutes because I heard fuck yeah.

Should we leave this? Five times in two minutes. Five times after two minutes because I heard fuck yeah! Should we leave this? Five times in two minutes. So that's what happens when you try to make fun of my Netflix special. Yikes. With two stars, I don't have to make fun of it. That's your algorithm, my friend.

I didn't even rate it. That's a sad thing. I didn't want to. Stevie. Stevie. Look what you've done. Alright, Stevie. You want to be done? You just want to go home? You can. I'll let you go, Stevie.

If anyone wants any evidence that this list isn't rigged, just look at the fact that Stevie's gotten up six out of the last seven kill totems. And it just keeps getting sadder every single time. Stevie, it's okay. You can go, dude. It's alright. We can go, dude. It's alright. We'll let you go.

Stevie Timble. Doesn't seem very stable. In a stunning turn of events. A guy that hasn't had a boner in a decade was more stable than the guy that was just on stage for some reason. Wow, this is going to be interesting. This is the first guy I ever met here

at the Comedy Store. He is a comedian that's been doing it a very long time. His name is Eddie Whitehead Jr. And this is why he's been doing the open mic for nine years, ladies and gentlemen. It's exactly because of that.

Obviously not that professional. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks funny. Guido Saltarelli. Hey. So I got a Facebook message from my sister's ex-boyfriend the other day. My brother said, don't read it. So I read it.

Just to let you know, your sister is a whore, and she knowingly gave me an STD. Can you believe that guy? So I replied, that's why I stopped fucking her. So I got a girlfriend now. Unrelated to the sister fucking joke I just told. When I first met her, she said she was really into that kinky stuff. I was like, oh, that's pretty cool. I thought you said slinky, though. So I pushed her down the stairs. I'm not a good listener. Not a good listener, guys. Not a good listener.

I was at a funeral the other day, unrelated to me pushing my girlfriend down the stairs. I haven't heard the cat yet, right? Okay, that's good. I fucked that up. Anyways, I was at a funeral. I was sitting there and I was feeling kind of sad. Finish it.

Yeah, go ahead. Okay, finish the joke. Sitting there at the funeral and I see this baby just sitting there. I'm like, what's with this fucking baby? How long did he know the deceased? 48 weeks? He didn't know him. I knew him.

And he has the audacity to cry louder than anyone else. Boom! Guido Saltarelli. Instant legend. That's how you fucking do it. That's how you do it. Exactly. I love your style, man.

Thanks. Thank you. You're like Dexter, but with a better ending. That's good. I almost need to change your name. I was expecting a Dice Clay Jacket, but then you came up as a Stephen Wright type. I know. That's what I do.

You and Stevie should actually switch names. Do you and E.T. still talk? There you go. That was good. I've got zero response. I'm way too nervous right now. This is cool. You killed it, man.

You're great. How long have you been on stand-up? A year and a half. Where are you from? Michigan. I just moved here last night, actually. Wow. Holy shit.

Yeah. I mean, he deserves that, guys. It was great. Thank you. That's a he deserves that, guys. That's a cool little fucking short story. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti.

Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti.

Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti.

Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti.

Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti.

Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti.

Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti.

Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Vito Salti. Thank you for that. Are you considering moving home because you just peaked maybe? Are you going to give it a go now? Just considering it.

I wouldn't blame you. Jordan should have left after that Byron Russell push off. Who would have blamed him? You don't want to be Jordan on the Wizards like a year or two down the road still doing it. That's all I'm saying. What do you do for work, Guido? I just do Uber. I love calling you Guido, by the way.

I know. It is my real name. What do you do for work, you dirty Italian? Guido's one of the weird names where it's like both an insult and a first name. Yep. Can you imagine that? Yeah, like nigger Moses. It's the same exact thing.

Is that your real first name? Yeah. Him or me? Is Guido your first name? Yeah, it is. I can show you my ID if you guys want to. That's not real, Guido. That happens a lot.

We believe you. I'd like to see it. I've been dying to know how tall you are and how much you weigh. Okay. Oh, you're serious. Okay. I'll just give you the wallet. Can you ever ask your parents why they named you Guido?

Just don't take the money out of it. It's on the left side. Why wouldn't you take it out yourself? What the fuck? My hands are fucking shaking, man. Take a lick of it. I wasn't expecting this to be my first show. Is this true?

You just moved here? I call bullshit! Look at the address! What's the date on that California? I can explain. What's the issue date there? Look at the address. It's the Bay Area.

I lived there for two years. Like every other Guido I've met here. His middle name is Anti-Microwave. Oh, that's not a lie, actually. It's actually Antonio Crow, all one word. It's supposed to be a space. They fucked it up. It looks like Anti-Microwave.

I'm going to pass this over to you guys so you can check it out. That's a fucking powerful middle name. Fuck microwave. Antonio Crow? Yeah. That's your middle name? You have a full name as your middle name. Fuck my wife! Antonio Crow? That's your middle name? You have a full name as your middle name. Antonio Crow

is another human being out there somewhere. That's actually... You treat him as such a fucking peasant that you're like, fuck you, Antonio Crow. That's just my middle name. I'm gonna go by Guido Saltarelli, bitch. Antonio Crow is a safety for the Jets. He's killing it.

Wow, fuck yeah. He's a corner, but whatever. Wow, a lot younger than the other one. This looks like a Faces of Meth. A Faces of Meth. You've really aged in those seven years. Take your two IDs, thank you. No problem.

Anti-Microwave is your new nickname. Yeah, that's a cool name. What's up with Antonio Crowe being the middle name? I'm going to say Crowe is your mom's maiden name. You got it, man. You got it. I fucked her up. And she just had to get her fucking name.

I like the eye crow. Yeah, she did. That was commitment. That was nice. And your mom just had to get it in. She's like, if it's not going to be his last name, we'll shove it in the middle. Exactly, yeah. Is your mom Italian?

No, she's not. That's why she wanted the crow in there. Yeah, exactly. I'm giving you all these bullshit Italian names. Just give me one regular. Your dad, is he from the motherland?

It's like a lot. No, he's like 50%, I guess, if you want to break it down that way. Oh, he went with all three names. Yeah.

Wow. I was named after my grandpa, so I copied his name, then my mom threw the maiden name in there. I mean, your name was like built to be a

defendant on something. Now calling to the stand, Guido Antonio Crow Saltarelli. Do you swear? Put your hand on the Bible. I don't know nothing. Mr. Saltarelli, please relax.

Saltarelli. By the way, for a guy with seven names, you could go by just your last name and you'd be A-OK. Coming to the stage, motherfucking Saltarelli, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is. See what I mean? Antonio Crowe Saltarelli!

And hailing from the great state of Michigan. You have a fucking boxer's name, too. Yeah, you guys are hiding? What the fuck is that? Is that real? This whole name? Guido Antonio Crowe Saltarelli. Yeah. That's insane. What does your dad do? He's a contractor. He Yeah. That's insane. What does your dad do? Kill people?

He's a contract... Contractor? A contractor? He works at the docks. Thank you. His dad's a fucking good fella. Yeah, pretty much. For houses. By the way, I love your comedy.

For your father. Thank you. I don't want to die. I love that. He knows where John Gotti's buried. Tell us something interesting about you, Guido. I feel like I should take offense to that, but I don't know. Did you take a shower today or are you dirty, Guido?

All right. All right. Jesus Christ. Sounds like the beginning of the porn mode. I love looking in the back and you just see Jamie Vernon's head. So great. Guido, tell us something interesting about you. What are you into?

Like skydiving or something I was actually why is skydiving your I've never done it before but I sort of like it I ran track in college what is this track thing I feel like this is the only Kill Tony where there's going to be like races on the sidewalk

after the show I didn't beat you in the showroom, but I'll beat you on the sidewalk. Let's do the 50 meters. Even if it's 50 meters of thing? Probably not, right? Guido versus the black guy from the 1950s.

The Munich Olympics all over again. It's like Guido versus the Muli. How long have you been doing comedy? A year and a half. You're super solid, Guido. Super fun. Great stuff. You've been here 24 hours

and you sort of stole the show. Welcome to Los Angeles. You live here now? Where do you live? Rancho Cucamonga. Jesus. I've never seen anybody start on Drake level before, but all right. Cool. Rancho Cucamonga is just where you

landed. You realize when you move to L.A., you're supposed to move to L.A., right? It was the only place I could get. This sounds stupid for cheap. My sister lives there. Oh, the whore you talked about. Yeah, yeah. What's her name? It's Kathleen. I know. What a whore? It's Kathleen. I know. What a whore name.

I'm really sorry. Oh, God. Kathleen Elizabeth Isabella. Yeah. We got a little brother named Mario. That's a little bit more Italian. What's his middle name? Batali.

I actually don't know. Whoa, whoa. Oh, it's Crow, of course. It's fucking Crow, yeah. Whoa, whoa. Oh, it's Crow, of course. It's fucking Crow, yeah. Yeah, it's Crow. It's the Crow. Yeah, the Mario the Crow. I love it.

All right, there he goes, Guido Saltarelli. Welcome to the show. Welcome to Los Angeles. He's on Twitter at Guido Salt, at Guido Salt. All right, this is the part of the show where we have, everybody, two regulars who perform and write a brand new minute every single week. So that's cool. They don't come out of the bucket. They just run every single bit of their new material every week here on the show.

This week's no different. Going up first, you know her as the nervous, fun little girl who you met here on Kill Tony. It's the one, the only, Melissa Esslinger. I've been working on my pacing. I had my first AA meeting the other day well they held it but I was hungover so I missed it I'm not an alcoholic but when I say that into a microphone

it makes me think that I'm an alcoholic Jesus into a microphone, it makes me think that I'm an alcoholic. Jesus. Jesus. I grew up in Germany, and I'm Jewish, so that was awkward. One time, I was at the bar when I was 14. 14. 14.

And the cops came, and I wasn't supposed to be there until you're 16. So I ran into the bathroom, and I hid in the dark, and I thought to myself, now I know how Anne Frank felt. There you go. And it's all there Got there We got there Is that true? You were raised in Germany? Yes

I did not know that That's a fun little fun fact I'll give you a tip I can be fidgety with my hands too Keep the mic in the stand And your hands will settle as you get in. You know what I'm saying? All right.

I used to twist the cord a lot. Like I saw you were playing with the end. Yeah. And Tommy Morris, who's a piece of shit, used to be the talent coordinator here. Used to really give me a hard time about it. But as I kept it in like that and then would take it out, it was helpful. So that's good for you. See, I can be a nice human being.

Yeah. I will try that. Yeah. That's crazy. And and without you mean without even like now I have to insult you don't even please do I'm an easy target Wir haben dich schon lange nachgeacht, seit du in das Bad warst. Es tut weh, wenn ein Mann mit einem großen Nase Jungs-Jokes macht. Hey, lass uns nicht hierhin gehen. Wir brauchen das nicht. Ich bin Deutsch.

Na, guten Tag. Guten Abend. Ich habe ein bisschen Deutsch für dich, Tony. Guten Tag bedeutet, ich hasse Jungs. Oh. Guten Abend. I have a little bit of German for you, Tony. Guten Tag means I hate Jews. Yes. All right. Have you ever heard of Adolf Marley? He's a Jew who sings Bob Marley songs.

Check it out. No German, no crime. Wait, there's another one. What? Yes. Christ. Wait, there's another one. What? Yes! It goes Auschwitz

movement of Jew people. We're German. We're German. And I hope you like killing Jews. Yeah, very good. Alright. That's one of very good. All right. That's one of our crossover prodigies right there.

Oh, wow. I didn't know. You got recruited by the Germans? Yeah, with the Jesse Owens of, yeah. We have an alliance. Man, you better hope those Comedy Central execs don't find out about that. Moses, is it true that you've been hanging out with German people? Yes, Mr. Altman.

I'm sorry about that. Were you guys waiting for that perfect storm? We have all these awesome Nazi Bob Marley songs waiting to work out. Me and Moses are working on a thing. We've pre-written Zaws. We're German. Wow, really broke all the walls down on that one. Well, we've been working on it for a while.

Anyway, guten tag. It's called Black's Creek. Okay. Screw you, audience. It's good that you get to run this stuff and figure out what works and what doesn't here on Kill Tony. Yeah. Hey, we're just a couple of German open micers over here.

Yeah, but she's doing German open mics. Why is your shirt unbuttoned? What's happening? My pal here is shirtless. You've been shirtless this entire time. I didn't even notice that.

I show my tacos. Where's your tiger at, you two? Back in the glass basement that we own. You could eat cereal out of the concave chest of that ring. Jesus Christ. It's a fucking bowl. I bake strudel in it every Sunday. My parents, this is true, my parents have bird watchers.

And they used to have me go out in the front yard and put water in my chest. That's actually where Melissa went hiding, was in Pat's chest. Bring it all together. Oh, look at that. You guys are something else. The Germans is what we are. Fuck yeah. That's just something else.

Couple mild and lazy guys. That's what it seems like to me. Oh, shit. Melissa Esslinger, there she goes, everybody. You did it. That's a new minute. I don't know about the stuff in the beginning, but yeah, being raised in Germany,

there's definitely that's definitely something that should be talked about. The other regular, so fun, so cool. You know her. You love her. The one, the only Vanessa Johnston, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Guys, hey. Yep. Guys, I don't know. The Guys, hey.

Yep. Guys, I don't know. The internet, man. I can't go on the internet anymore. It's like a dark black wormhole. I'm a vegan. Yesterday I took a quiz that convinced me I'm a vampire. The questions were, do you sunburn easily?

I was like, yeah. Did your father leave you at a young age? Not physically, but emotionally. Do you get high when you drink human blood? Probably. Congratulations, you're a vampire. Hungry? Click here to find local emos near you. Apparently, emos are what vampires eat. I mean, I eat. So, I've been trying to catch an emo. I started laying out black eyeliner samples while singing songs that attract them.

Like, haven't you people ever heard of? Normally, this stage would be longer, so this would work. Okay, that's all jesus vanessa johnston ladies and gentlemen exactly one minute you know i think the vampire stuff takes it to a place where it's a little hard to believe and a little hard to follow but once you started making fun of emos everybody wanted to be on your side

yeah yeah we we didn't like that. Oh, wait a second. What is happening here? Corporate bullshit. Oh, man. You made us quit selling out. You emo sort of remind me of these two very unfunny Germans that I met recently. Siegfried and Goy.

Don't even make us more depressed. I'm going to slit my wrist right now. This is the most Prince you guys have seen through the whole show tonight. Finally, you actually do a Prince tribute. Dele beloved. Dele beloved. I think I get kind of an in-between vibe.

I don't know if she's friendly. It seems like you don't smile a lot on stage, so it seems like you're kind of angry a bit, but you, like, don't go to that angry side. But then, I don't know. That's just the disorganized thought I have. Yeah. The beginning part, of course, obviously, like Tony said, just seemed fake. Just cut that out.

Even the act outs. I mean, it's really hard to do, like, an act out without people, like, not even paying attention to you. If you just said something about Goss and capturing them in your normal voice, it would be so much more believable and interesting than you actually acting out something. What did you mean by the vampire test? It was sort of lost. This actually happens.

There's an actual website called realvampires.com that I somehow got on. P. Regan 333 if you want to chat with him after. He's always available. I kind of like your natural voice, just talking, more than the voice you do when you were doing stand-up. So how did you find this website, and what's going on?

Well, I was a vampire for Halloween, so I was looking up where to place the fangs, and then I came on this website. And they legitimately believe they're vampires. I got a place to put the fangs. Dice. No, don't say that, Dice. Don't say that.

Yeah, check out my new show. Max is on it. Oh! Vanessa, you gave us another new minute, and that's the hardest job in comedy right now is writing a new minute and doing it in front of hundreds of thousands of listeners and fans on a podcast, so thank you.

Vanessa Johnston, everybody. Roasting emos. Tonight's episode, drawn by Ryan J. Ebel. Looks like that, everybody. He did that while you sat there and laughed like a bunch of lazy assholes. He worked his ass off. The great Ryan J. Ebelt.

Buy a poster after the show if you have balls. Keep it going for Jamie Vernon in the back. Guys, what's coming up? Wins roast battle, Moses. Every Tuesday right here in this room, 11 p.m. And on Comedy Central. Do you have a date for that?

End of July, everybody. End of July. on Comedy Central. Do you have a date for that? End of July, everybody. End of July. It's coming. Set your DVRs. And verbal violence. You can listen to the podcast version of it on Death Squad. Thank you. Death Squad Network.

Jeff Danis. Check me out at Danish and O'Neal across the board and the Danish and O'Neal podcast on iTunes. Two of the funniest guys that really helped me fucking get my shit together early on. Jeff Dennis and Ryan O'Neal. Love you guys. Watkins and Reagan. Reagan has a new album out. That's huge.

Yeah. Spotify. At Patty Reagan and at Jeremiah's Stand-Up. Hit us up. Hey, I was just on Abnabine's house party, and I don't know if I even saw it, but watch it if you want. Well, these will be the people that watch it. I don't know if I even saw it, but watch it if you want.

Well, these will be the people that watch it. Ladies and gentlemen, how about you give yourselves a hand one more time for coming out. Thank you so much. Have a great night. Thank you. Good night. Thank you. At the clouded bar Come on killer I'll beat you every time Only little machines disappear I don't know what to do. you