KILL TONY - KILL TONY #154

Episode Date: May 16, 2016

Byron Bowers, Jessie Joyce, Josh Martin, Jeremiah Watkins, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 04/25/2016 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adc...hoices

Transcript
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Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Just hit the iTunes store and search for Kill Tony and subscribe. Don't forget to rate and review the show. Or you can always just subscribe to the Death Squad feed on iTunes. There you get all the Death Squad shows, like what Brian Red Band do, and verbal violence, and all that other stuff. Or go to DeathSquad.tv, and thereband do and verbal violence and all that other stuff.
Starting point is 00:00:31 Or go to Desquad.TV and there you have all the links for everything else, including the video portions of this podcast. Click on tour dates to find out where we're at live. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday from the Comedy Store, but every Tuesday we have the Roast Battle, which is the verbal violence podcast. May 22nd, which is this Sunday coming up, we're going to be in Nashville. And me and Tony are doing a Kill Tony Live with special guests. We're just about to announce it. Special guest Ralphie May is one of our guests. And it's going to be a lot of fun.
Starting point is 00:01:07 So that's this Sunday, Nashville. And it's at Zany's Comedy Club. So check that out. Also, don't forget that every first and third Friday of the month, we are at the Ice House in Pasadena, California, doing the Death Squad comedy show from there. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist on Kill Tony. He draws every episode And he has made a really amazing Kill Tony movie poster
Starting point is 00:01:29 You can find all this by just going to RyanJEbelt.com And Tony Hinchcliffe Has a website TonyHinchcliffe.com For all his other dates And merch And ShopSquad.tv For all the official Death Squad merchandise
Starting point is 00:01:46 like hats and t-shirts and all the stuff that we do here at Death Squad. Alright guys, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony! Hey, this is Rampage coming to you live from the road famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 3. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe! Fuck yeah. Hello. I didn't even know the show started everybody How you guys doing?
Starting point is 00:02:31 You guys ready for a crazy Monday night or what? Come on Monday, hello Make some fucking noise you idiots Let these assholes on you stream know that this is a real live show It's all happening guys How are you? Are you ready for a crazy fucking night or what? Alright, sure. That's a real half-ass. Put your hands together for Josh Martin, everybody.
Starting point is 00:02:50 There he is. He looks like an upskirt. It's good to be here. Keep it going for Reagan and the baby boys. Pat Reagan and the baby boys. Where did they go? Alright. You can turn the music down blatantly. And the Baby Boys. Where did they go? All right.
Starting point is 00:03:06 You can turn the music down blatantly. Are you doing something? Is this the part that you guys produced before the show? Oh, yeah. All right. Well, let's turn it down because it's definitely dead air right now, Brian. Let's have a little bit of common sense here. Anyway, the show will go on.
Starting point is 00:03:26 Maybe we'll try it again in a few seconds or something like that, whatever that unproduced bullshit was. Oh, we have a master plan here. It's going to work any second. Let's just keep the volume up on this podcast that people are listening to. Hey, look, that's my older brother,
Starting point is 00:03:41 Donnie Hinchcliffe, ladies and gentlemen. That's the real guy. Real guy. The othernie Hinchcliffe, ladies and gentlemen. That's the real guy. Real guy. The other funny Hinchcliffe in the world. So what's up, Brian? You ready to do this shit? Yeah, and we're going to be in Nashville May 22nd. So check that out.
Starting point is 00:03:59 We're doing Kill Tony Live from some comedy festival. Yeah, the Wild West Comedy Fest in Nashville, and that's fun. I'm doing the Wilbur Theater October 8th, Kansas City. And we just got Seattle rescheduled. Oh, we did? Yeah, I think so. Nice. I don't even know the date yet.
Starting point is 00:04:14 And June 1st, we were moving to the main room here at the Comedy Store. So this won't happen anymore. Yep. Everybody's piled on top of one another here. You can't really tell if you're just listening to the podcast. By the way, the number one live podcast on iTunes. Thank you very much.
Starting point is 00:04:31 No big deal. You're just at it right now. You're just one of the 55 exclusive people that could squeeze into this fucking shoebox. So I'm very excited. This might be the only show, by the way, where the band leaves at the start of the show. Really interesting. Put your hands together for Pat Reagan and the Baby Boys, everybody. We've really got to do better than this.
Starting point is 00:04:59 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You've got to be fucking kidding me. Okay. I see shark fins, everybody. Again, for those of you listening to the podcast, we are still a podcast, I promise. And it appears as though it's Pat Reagan,
Starting point is 00:05:28 Jeremiah Watkins, and the Baby Boys wearing shark fins. All right. Fuck yeah. Wow. You guys put the fin and when is this going to be finished? Oh shit. We have a drummer for the first time ladies and gentlemen on the show.
Starting point is 00:06:05 A live drummer. Fuck yes. You guys really, is there a reason why you went with the Jaws theme this week? Did you hear about Prince, Tony? Yeah. Yeah, he got eaten by a shark. Yeah. What?
Starting point is 00:06:22 I have not heard this. It wasn't in his home. A lot of people don't know about that. He got eaten by a shark and then put. He lives in his home. A lot of people don't know about that. He gets eaten by a shark and then put in an elevator in his home. Yeah, it's pretty messy. It's pretty messy. Wow. We made the real story on YouTube.
Starting point is 00:06:34 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. We started a thread in the comments section. You started it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You just admitted to starting the thread? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. to starting the thread? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, well, I'm...
Starting point is 00:06:48 Yeah, yeah, Tony, yeah. A lot of people, I've never gotten more out of doing this show. In June, it'll be three years. I want you guys to know that I have never had more. It is either love or absolute fucking hate for you guys. What's up, people? It's back on! It's back on! It's back on!
Starting point is 00:07:07 If you ask me in person about my feelings on Reagan and Watkins, I would tell any of you, it has been one of the most exciting parts of the evolution of this show for me. I think our chemistry is unbelievable. But there are a few groups of tens of people
Starting point is 00:07:24 that hit me up on Twitter. I get at least, all right, I'll put it this way. At least one tweet a day says. From a mentally retarded mouth breather. Sure. Okay, well, let me just give an example of the tweet first, Pat, before you insult the guy. Once a day I get something like, I can't believe you love watching the end of your own show. Once a day I get something like,
Starting point is 00:07:44 I can't believe you love watching the end of your own show. Hey, they need to sack up and tag us on Twitter so we can battle these bitches. I don't think they want to follow you guys on Twitter. Not to even mention you. So, you know, I don't even think they want to tag you. They just want to let me know that they know that I'm ruining my own show. Really, the words ruining my own show comes up a lot uh welcome to the end you
Starting point is 00:08:09 idiots i mean come on i just can't believe that there'd be haters out of you know for guys that do things as brilliant and topical as jaws entrances uh how long how long did it take to make those things how long did it take for you guys to fucking come out today? What was that shit? Were you guys still making them in the back? We were tying the shark around our neck. And instead of coming out and just holding the fucking thing on your head,
Starting point is 00:08:38 you guys held up for two minutes and made a stall. All right. Fuck yeah. Maybe you guys can start practicing your things before Monday at 8.15. All right. Let's fucking do it. You guys ready to start the show?
Starting point is 00:08:52 I've been having so much fun with Reagan and Watkins lately that I can't even shut up. Sometimes I don't even want to start the fucking show. I just want to talk to these doofballs. But let's do it.
Starting point is 00:09:03 Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world as guests on this show. This week is no different. You've seen them before. You love them. Two of the best. Put your hands together for Jesse Joyce and Byron Bowers. Fuck yeah. Yep. There he is.
Starting point is 00:09:25 What's up, you fuck niggas? How y'all doing? He took my line. I was just about to say that. Byron's scared because he sees sharks and he doesn't know how to swim, so this is fucked up for him. Why don't sharks eat black people? Why?
Starting point is 00:09:40 They think it's whale shit. I saw that on the KKK website. Two of my funniest fucking friends in the entire world. Byron and I are LA Comics and have done stand-up together continuously for nine years. And Jesse and I have worked on
Starting point is 00:09:59 roast writing shows for the last five years together. But he has written for the last ten Comedy Central roasts. A guy that I call my big brother in roasting. And my big brother is actually here for me to see that tonight. He probably just got a little jealous. So welcome back to the show, guys.
Starting point is 00:10:16 What do you think about this band? What do you think about this? You guys have been guests on the show when we've had a robot as a sidekick. We've had people in a costume. You're throwing us under the bus right on the bat. Yeah, I know. Let it happen.
Starting point is 00:10:33 What do you mean? Hey, hey, hey, Jeremiah. What do you think about that guy right there? Oh, he's a dick, dude. Well, it's a little bit different when you're setting up your friend that has a broken fin on his head and you're setting up a guy that's written for 10 Comedy Central roasts. Pat, I'm trying to set up a comedian to flex their muscle on you. Hey, Tony, okay, this is an example of what we're doing on the show. We're showing the podcast audience how bad it can get for listeners,
Starting point is 00:11:03 like how quiet it can get in the room. And then we're just going to build it up from here. Oh, so you're restarting right now. Yeah, we're actually, it's all strategy. Oh, you're bombing on purpose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me tell you something, Jesse. Whoa.
Starting point is 00:11:17 What's up, Byron? Wow. Let me tell you something, Jesse. All right. Every episode, Tony's like, hey, what do you think of our band leader? Do I do that? I hate on our band leader? Every do I do that on our band leader? That guy fucking sucks. And then and then the and the professional comedian on stage who may have written roast jokes, insult, literally insult comedy, then is teed up to sort of sort of like attack, have a shark attack.
Starting point is 00:11:43 Oh, was it all set up for that? Yeah. The shark attack third oh was it all set up for that yeah the shark attack no i think by the way there's speaking of sharks they're not the only fucking sharks in here welcome to hollywood see that that would get you attacked that right there it's not everything else yeah you just set yourself up you know i mean yeah yeah that was it's like a nigga walking by the police station when they bored. It's like, whoa. Thank you, God. We about to kill a motherfucker.
Starting point is 00:12:13 I love the get up, though. You guys look like school shooters in an art class. Well, fuck it. That took up a lot of time, too. So what do you say we just get the fucking show started, guys? Huh? This is sort of a crazy show, everybody, because we have a bucket filled with people
Starting point is 00:12:32 that signed up for the opportunity to do 60 seconds of stand-up on this stage and then be on a live podcast with us afterwards. Talk to them about anything in the world. Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, that's adorable. Let's hear that one more time, that little quiet kitty. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.
Starting point is 00:12:54 Oh, Jesus. Fuck yes. All right. It's a wild one tonight. You guys better strap on your fins extra tight for this one. Let's fucking do it, shall we? You guys ready to start the motherfucking show or what? Sweet. Your first comedian doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds in front of a drum player for the first time in Kill Tony history goes by the name
Starting point is 00:13:24 of Daniel Balshin. drum player for the first time in Kill Tony history goes by the name of Daniel Balshin. Awesome. So my family's from Ukraine, which means I have two Ukrainian grandmothers whose only responsibilities are one, to feed me, and two, to feed me. Not going so well. Yeah, my friend's grandmother came out to me and said I'm the worst thing she's seen since World War II.
Starting point is 00:14:00 Silence. Awesome. Yeah, my parents, we speak Russian, and they only speak Russian at home. And I have an American friend who lives in my house. He thinks every time they talk, shit's going down. He's like, oh my God, why are they arguing? They're not. She asked him if he wants some tea. What did he say? He said, yeah, with a lemon.
Starting point is 00:14:29 He's like, oh my God, what is it this time? She just asked me if I want to go to the dry cleaners. He's like, oh, and this Now we run. Fuck yeah, a little Daniel Balshik. With a little Rosetta Stone set for us on that one. Pretty much learned some Russian on that. I think it's great that Natalie Portman's doing stand-up. Whoa, Pat Reagan. This crowd is eaten up. Jesse, what do you think of Daniel Balsh? Well, you don't need to rely so heavily on telling us right off the bat that you're from Eastern Europe because you look like both Boston bombers.
Starting point is 00:15:20 Or every guy who dies in the prison in an episode of Locked Up Abroad. I'm pretty familiar with your fucking people, your sort of gypsy hillside quality. I got it. Last show I was told that I looked like that guy from Grand Theft Auto. Hasn't gotten any better from there. All right, I'm not a dumb teenager. Grand Theft Auto Auschwitz edition. I'm sure you do teenager. Grant Heftado, Auschwitz edition. I'm sure you do.
Starting point is 00:15:47 Daniel, what's your story, man? How long have you been doing stand-up? Just about a year. All here in LA? What do you do for work? A lot of things. Mostly tries to kill James Bond. He said that.
Starting point is 00:16:07 I can. Can you name any of those things that you do for work, Daniel? No. He's a sex slave. Who's talking? So many jobs I can't even answer the simple fucking question. Work in a hockey shop. Hockey shop?
Starting point is 00:16:22 Hockey shop. That sounds part-time as fuck. Yeah, a Southern California hockey shop. Real great. You know, the ice is really booming out there. I kind of, I countered that. No, I'm also a swim instructor. Right.
Starting point is 00:16:40 Yeah. Okay. Is that true? That's true. Just wait for the rink to melt. It's a summer job. So you can swim in it I drive a Zamboni in Mexico City It goes great
Starting point is 00:16:51 All this shit sounds suspect to me Go ahead Definitely A couple other things What else do you do? You said you have so many jobs I work with my dad He installs TVs, audio systems Stuff like that What else do you do? You said you have so many jobs. I work with my dad.
Starting point is 00:17:08 He installs TVs, audio systems, stuff like that. You look like you could be both in Auschwitz as a soldier and a victim. That's very interesting. You're one of the few people that I think could really pull off both roles. Yeah, when the hair grows, it gets real curly and shit. Yeah. This is weird, but I'm just picturing your dick also having your face on it. That is weird.
Starting point is 00:17:33 That is weird. Right, guys? Like we were all just picturing you fucking terrible acoustic guy in a Snuggie. What the fuck? That was just dumb. It was real dumb. Acoustic guy in a Snuggie? What the fuck? That was just dumb. Acoustic guy in a Snuggie. I'm going to tell you what I like. I like the fact you stuck with it even though the audience was still trying to figure out
Starting point is 00:17:54 what the fuck was going on. You stuck to your rhythm. You stuck to your timing. And I imagine like in Russia you're going to be huge. You know what I mean I mean the act out never really seems to work for most people
Starting point is 00:18:11 I mean just you acting out the two different people just kind of loses us because we think it's fake if you were to just say whatever you said in like a normal voice I think it would be way better but you acting it out and like going oh what did she say it's like a play
Starting point is 00:18:24 I really love what byron said about um but no about about uh you not giving up on it about you staying in the pocket even though and i also agree with brian because it was dog shit but you did not pretend like it was dog shit at all you just kept fucking going like the place was roaring as if he was in russia yeah And for that, there is some weird points for that. Don't get it wrong. They're both right. It's terrible. What I'm saying is if you bomb like that in Russia,
Starting point is 00:18:54 you'll be brought up on war crimes charges in Russia. But you'll still be famous. Do you ever go back to Russia? You ever go? Oh, Ukraine, yeah. A couple times. What's the major differences between here and Ukraine? Do they have guitar comics
Starting point is 00:19:08 with shark fins? Accordion. Those guys are all dead, for sure. You don't know if there really are any Jews over there, that's for sure. You really don't know? No, because they all hide it. That's scary.
Starting point is 00:19:24 That's what he led in with. He didn't say nothing about the food. What's great about it? Fuck the food. It's like the Jews are hiding. That's the first thing I learned. The Jews are hiding. Why are they?
Starting point is 00:19:35 Did they not know that it's over? That the war is over? Why are they still? You could have said they drive on the opposite side of the street. Any of that simple shit. No, they drive on any side of the street. You led with the Jews of Ohio. That's Ukraine's tourism campaign.
Starting point is 00:19:49 Jews, maybe. I don't know. I mean, they still look at black people like they've never seen them before. That's for sure. Everybody do that. Why do you? Even black people. When I'm in Canada, Canada, them niggas staring at me like they've never seen black people. When I'm in Canada, Canada,
Starting point is 00:20:05 them niggas staring at me like they've never seen black people before. And those are both like snowy white places. Like the tundra and then Canada. So what is this,
Starting point is 00:20:13 a black bear? Wow. Wow. Yeah. I am so glad my sentence went better. Jeremiah, you did so much better.
Starting point is 00:20:22 Jeremiah, when's the part where you guys start ramping up that you were talking about a few minutes ago? We are having much difficulty ramping up right now. Oh, switching. When one Russian accent doesn't work, try it for yourself.
Starting point is 00:20:38 It's okay. You can try. Daniel, what's something crazy that you've seen your parents do because they're Russian or whatever the fuck? Murder Jews. Murder Jews. Murder Jews. I've seen my dad stick a knife in the electrical outlet. For what?
Starting point is 00:20:54 Just to show me not to do it. Wow. That's funny, by the way. That's the funny thing you said. I was just going to say, you have a new opener. Congratulations. You just say that just like that. First, and then talk about how he showed you how to not fuck your sister right like here's the thing for real using the same method wow he used the same method yeah and
Starting point is 00:21:16 do his voice instead of talking about your neighbors do his voice like for real though like i've never seen anyone get mileage out of saying something in a language people don't understand and then the payoff is like just the joke that should have been the thing in the first place do you know what i'm saying like we all just sat there going like well as soon as he's done speaking ukrainian he'll tell us the punchline you know that was russian but yeah whatever who gives a shit what it was do Do you see my point, though? You know what I mean? That just wasted seconds. No one is in here going, we believe you, that you're a fucking
Starting point is 00:21:50 Eastern. You look like you just crawled out of a fucking bulldoze ditch. No one has trouble believing that you're from some genocidal culture. No offense. No problem. I'm just saying you look like you sell umbrellas in fucking time square okay but thank you burberry though
Starting point is 00:22:13 so listen you see this coat you don't get any mileage out of doing ukrainian you know what i mean like unless you're at some fucking like ukrainian elk sludge it's russian it doesn't matter it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Look, I can't tell the difference between Russian and Ukrainian. Y'all can't tell the difference between Ukrainians and Jews. Speak Yiddish. That's all I'm saying.
Starting point is 00:22:39 Daniel, let's talk about it. I think we pretty much did. I think we've covered it. How do you feel about this? A lot of improvements. A lot of things to work on. I mean, a lot of things. Constantly.
Starting point is 00:22:51 Always. Why don't you start by, and this is coming from me, but do a push-up. Like one. Like maybe just one, one day. Just try to push yourself up with your fucking arms. I can't imagine what daily things you don't do. And I'm 140 pounds of pure fucking steel. Don't get me wrong.
Starting point is 00:23:09 But you're taller than me and you're lankier than me and it's gross. You just inspired me to start working out more. How old are you? I feel like my arms sort of look like yours. In 10 years, you're going to look regular. I don't know. When you gained that 30-0, I was like you at 21. But look, I filled out now, and I get pussy.
Starting point is 00:23:34 It gets better. Thank you. I get pussy, too. He do. No lie. Yeah, butt pussy. Oh, my God. He just got no lie. Yeah, butt pussy. Yeah. He just got taken down.
Starting point is 00:23:49 I didn't know sharks ate each other. All right, Daniel, that's your time. Daniel Balshin, everybody. He's on Twitter, Daniel Balshin. So you met him here tonight. That was fun. All right, let's just keep this fucking sunshine moving along.
Starting point is 00:24:08 It does look like Silicon Valley. All right, you guys ready for your next comedian or what? Make some fucking noise Monday night, you assholes. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. It's Ryan Higgins, ladies and gentlemen. here we go. All right. Guys, I
Starting point is 00:24:37 recently quit drinking. You're a nice, friendly crowd. I've actually been getting booed for that at shows. People have been booing me. Always one guy just, boo! Boo! I'm booing you for trying to improve your life. Boo!
Starting point is 00:24:53 I think that's such a shitty thing to boo. I hope he boos everything. Like, oh, you got that surgery you need. Boo! Oh, you did. Oh, you reconciled with your father? That's also a boo. That's also a boo. Oh, you used the brakes in your car, you little boob-ass bitch?
Starting point is 00:25:16 You ain't shit-breaking. It's a little boo riff we can all have. It's fun. It's fun. Sometimes people after shows, they ask me, they're like, It's a little boo riff we can all have. No, it's fun. It's fun. Sometimes people after shows, they ask me, they're like, oh, man, what, you can't have, like, one drink? You can't have, like, one drink? And I'm like, I could have a drink, but then I'll wind up smoking heroin behind a Ralph's.
Starting point is 00:25:38 Wow. Ryan Higgins, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Tony. Thank you. Wasn you. Thank you. Tony. Thank you. Wasn't he on last episode?
Starting point is 00:25:49 I was here. I'm so excited about that. I was here. I was here. I did a hot 10. Yeah, I remember. Last week, you did about 21 seconds
Starting point is 00:25:56 and you quit immediately. I didn't. Well, I thought it was tell a bit. To be fair, the shot clock was about to run out. Oh, was it? That's not an actual thing.
Starting point is 00:26:06 He has not said anything worth listening to the whole fucking evening. Why would you pay attention when he says it? That is my fault. Yeah, I am sorry. Leftist center. Interesting things that the podcast listeners that are listening right now
Starting point is 00:26:21 are fucking like, I feel like I am to up by talking about. And that's what's funny is when I say that there's one guy a day that complains about Pat Reagan. You got to listen to the other side. There's I'm telling you, there's also three to five that are saying most unbelievable shit. Dying at number one, 52, 150. You know what I mean? I'm one of those.
Starting point is 00:26:41 I feel like I am to pat up earlier by talking about this one hater one troll there's a weird energy there is like I feel like I'm there's I'm in between the parents arguing right now and I'm like no you're all friends you're all fucking buds I love that Ryan you're like holding court right now that was very impressive very cool you stayed right in the pocket Jesse Joyce yeah I'm catching a theme with all your characters who come to your shows. Do you only perform in Mississippi burning? Where is it
Starting point is 00:27:13 that you're doing shows? I recently moved here from North Carolina. So it's kind of like that's my go-to voice. It's not really a woo-woo-bull state. But okay.
Starting point is 00:27:23 It's like my go-to voice. Okay. Because it was two differentwoo-bull state, but okay. It's like my go-to voice. Okay, because it was two different people that came up to you, and they both sounded exactly like King of the Hill. They did. They did. You know, I think the last guy was maybe like,
Starting point is 00:27:38 what, you can't have one drink? You know, maybe he was a proper man, but that's not fucking... You see, it's not funny. Yeah, I agree. I like the boo. It's like a boo. The way you say it. Hey, this accent means stupidity. Yeah, totally. So, I don't know. Or you could just do Pat Reagan's
Starting point is 00:27:54 accent. Maybe instead of saying boo about you not drinking, they were saying booze. Booze! Yeah, fucking... There you go. I mean, you saw how well it worked here, so you can take it with you. Oh, I love the band. I'm going for it, man.
Starting point is 00:28:10 I fucking love you guys. Now, Ryan, I'm sorry. I can't quite remember what the fuck it was, but I remember there being something super compelling about you last week. My dick don't work. That's what it was. What? That's it. That's it. That's it.
Starting point is 00:28:25 That's it. What's happening? Fucking love that sound effect so much. You know right when to fucking. Why does everyone know this? I hope it wasn't something else. We found out during his interview last week. I remember that there was fucking something.
Starting point is 00:28:38 And his penis doesn't work. It doesn't work. It don't work? Does that have something to do with you putting drinking? No. I actually, when I, it doesn't make sense, but I was on my antidepressants and then my dick was having a great time
Starting point is 00:28:49 and then I got off my antidepressants and he's pissed. He's unhappy about that. He's the same character from those jokes? Yeah. Boo! My dick keeps telling me to have a drink. Oh, man.
Starting point is 00:29:08 No, it don't work. That's fascinating. It just doesn't work at all. It's very honest of you to say that. Yeah, I've heard slightly drinking jokes that started the way yours have. So you should leave with my dick don't work. Like just come on stage like, ah, dick don't work. Yes.
Starting point is 00:29:24 You know, I quit drinking. Like that kind of no no like you just can't say that and then go into that you got to talk about that talk about that's interesting right there you know after the after the oh sorry go ahead no go ahead after you're turning me around no after last week i um it was like i did i did fucking like 10 seconds and uh the band guy was like, is that how long you fucking? I was like, my dick don't work. But after that show, a lot of people were really concerned about that. They were like, man, you were pretty funny, but I'm sorry about your dick, man. Here's the thing.
Starting point is 00:29:57 It makes you likable. You talking like you're in the Klan makes you unlikable. But the fact that your dick doesn't work Kind of balances it out Where everybody's like Oh this guy I want to root for him Even if you're in the Klan
Starting point is 00:30:11 If you were in the Klan And you burned a cross outside my house And you're like My dick don't work I'm like oh shit What happened to you I think What the fuck happened
Starting point is 00:30:20 Oh shit Wow I think it is safe to say That is a fact Most people in the Klan's dick Don't work Would that make it better a fact. Most people in the Klan's dick don't work. Would that make it better? If, say, I was in the Klan, I burned a cross in front of your house,
Starting point is 00:30:30 I was like, man, you know about my dick. You'd be like, all right, Ryan, just do your fucking thing. Yeah, just go on and burn your cross, and then when you're done, I'm going to be in here jacking off. I would open the door with a hard dick. Because your dick don't work. If you showed up at my house with a burning cross. That would make me so mad.
Starting point is 00:30:44 You're just flaunting it. But maybe that's what you should that's how we defeat racism like it just assume their dicks don't work whose dicks the racist dicks yeah yeah maybe no fuck all that shit talk about your dick you know what i mean yeah you're right about it's something that draws people in you know i mean okay by the way I just found out that Byron has a huge dick because whenever he mimes masturbating, he does it all the way out here. All the fucking... No, you know what? You know, I got a regular dick.
Starting point is 00:31:15 You did, though. I got a regular dick, but I'm left-handed, and I'm using my right hand, so it's just doing its own thing. You know what I mean? This is a right brain. This is a left brain dick jack right here. But my real,
Starting point is 00:31:30 I'm a right brain dick jack. It's like this. I like to lean in when I jack. Oh, man. Yeah, I like to lean. I dab when I jack my dick. Ryan, how long have you
Starting point is 00:31:43 gone without having a boner? God, it's been, man, it's been months. Months. It's been months. So this is still fairly new. I'm in one right now. Oh. What?
Starting point is 00:31:54 Another gay joke about a second shark. Somehow that made sense. I was like, is it? Oh, wait, we're doing bits. We're doing bits right now. Dude, if I, like, touched you. If I, like. Wah, wah bits right now. Dude, if I, like, touched you, if I, like... Wah, wah, wah.
Starting point is 00:32:08 Come on, guys. His fans flash it. Look at him. My partner's fan don't work. Uh-huh. Could I get you hard? I don't... Could I do anything to get you hard?
Starting point is 00:32:18 I mean, I've tried a lot. How many times have you said that in Los Angeles? A lot of times. How do you think he got this job? Yeah, yeah. I don't job? I don't know. I don't know. I'm open. I'm open.
Starting point is 00:32:30 Yeah, it is right. Yeah, that makes sense. Ryan, stick with me up here. It's been a few months. Do you think maybe there's a chance that if you tried something different or watched a different crazy type of porn, do you think it's even possible? Like Asian porn? What porn? What kind of porn? Asian or Haitian? Asian.? Like Asian porn? What porn? What kind of porn?
Starting point is 00:32:45 Asian or Haitian? Asian. Okay. No, no, no. He said Haitian. Haitian porn. You say Haitian? Yeah, it's the only part of the chicken. Yeah. I don't know. I have not tried. It's a weird feeling to be watching porn and nothing happening with your dick. You're just like, I guess
Starting point is 00:33:02 this is what I do with my day do you have you actually like spoken to it like a physician like somebody went to college like instead of this fucking good mostly actually talk to a professional about this a lot of people ask me that too I've went I don't have health insurance because I'm a trash person but I I mean I'm made of trash. You have low self-esteem? Wait a minute. Are you a garbage man? No, I'm a trash person.
Starting point is 00:33:33 No, I'm a fucking open mic comic. We're all made of garbage. But I don't have health insurance. Whoa. Jesus Christ. Whoa, I love that. Thank you. I love that. By the way, I love that Pat got offended, proving once and for all that he's an open mic comic.
Starting point is 00:33:45 No. I mean, we just. That was rough, man. You got to get the stage time where you can. No, we just don't have health insurance. I thought that's like a trash person quality. You should try. You should try.
Starting point is 00:33:57 Yeah, but I feel like most. Yeah, you get it. The real one. Yeah, but I feel like most adult men wouldn't go like, oh, my dick doesn't work. I guess I can't afford that. We went off. That is true. What are you using your money for?
Starting point is 00:34:12 The little that you have. Yeah, every week I buy enough beans and rice to feed me for the week. I do. Do you realize, though, that you could get somebody to give you beans and rice if you had a hard dick? That is true. And by the way, you could also get a hard dick if you were eating something other than beans and rice. How? You need meat, man.
Starting point is 00:34:36 Your meat need meat. Yeah. You should try. Get some fucking testosterone in your librarian-looking face. Ayahuasca. Yeah, try ayahuasca. You don't need a hard dick once you become a spiritual being.
Starting point is 00:34:46 What do you do for work? You don't. When you're in tune with the universe, it don't matter. You got a pussy and a dick. I walk dogs, and I just, I don't have, yeah, you can't just go to the ER
Starting point is 00:35:03 and be like, guys. You walk dogs for a job? Yeah. Wow. Does a dog ever get a boner, and you't have, yeah, you can't just go to the ER and be like. You walk dogs for a job? Yeah. Wow. Does a dog ever get a boner and you're like, you motherfucker. You said that last week, Tony. I did?
Starting point is 00:35:11 Yeah. Works continuously, obviously. I mean, do you get like semi-hard or does nothing? It's just like Mario Mushroom. It's like if you look at your foot and you're like, float away. That's what my dick is. You know what I'm saying? Like, nothing happens. Did you go on dates?
Starting point is 00:35:28 When was the last time you went on a date? That's a great question. God. When was the last time you got stomped on the dog? I want to say. So stupid. We've reached levels of stupidity how old are you?
Starting point is 00:35:49 by the way the level of this show that I love is like not only can people in their 30s on drugs love this show I'm pretty sure kindergartners would love this episode of Kill Tony Ryan when is the last time you went on a date? kindergartners would love this episode of Kill Tony.
Starting point is 00:36:06 Ryan, when is the last time you went on a date? Oh, we're talking 2015. Okay, so last year, you fucking weirdo. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah, like not even late in 2015, like early. Most of the people that are next to you
Starting point is 00:36:19 haven't been on a date since 2015. Yeah, yeah. Where was it? Where was it? It was at, God, it? It was at... God, it was like a free date. Oh, it hurts. So great.
Starting point is 00:36:34 It hurts. I was at a free show in Raleigh, North Carolina. A free show? Yeah. What's the show? It was at Good Night's Comedy Club. You took a fucking girl to a comedy club for your... That's lame shit, dude.
Starting point is 00:36:46 That's why your dick doesn't work. No, it's not. Don't listen to them. It's not lame. Don't listen to them. You know what I mean? You can't fucking bring a date to a comedy shoot. Yes, the fuck you do.
Starting point is 00:36:56 You know what I mean? Have you ever... Have you been on a date since your dick stopped working? No. Let me ask you something. No. No, I just tell 300 strangers at a time. Fuck that, man.
Starting point is 00:37:07 Look, if this is the time to date, you ain't got no expectations. You can listen. You can talk back and interact. Yep. You know what I mean? By the time this chick actually wants to fuck you, your dick might actually work.
Starting point is 00:37:21 Welcome to the 30s. You know, you can relax and have a good time. You know what I mean? You are fucking geniuses. It's time to play the slogan. And if it doesn't ever work again, you better learn how to eat a mean pussy, dude. That's your only way out of it. Pat's going to teach you right now how to do that.
Starting point is 00:37:37 What is happening? There it is. There it is. That's right. Dreams come true. Jeremiah is about to suck his dick. Tony, watch what happens. Okay.
Starting point is 00:37:59 For those of you, again, listening to the podcast, they just tied the shark fin around Ryan's crotch, and now Jeremiah is awkwardly laying there. I think he's waiting for Brian to play Careless Whisper again. Oh. Because he seems pretty committed. I love watching Pat not know what to do exactly. He doesn't know where to put his guitar.
Starting point is 00:38:34 Oh, Jesus. Very aggressive. Too tight. He tied it too tight. I think the bit, it was. Well, Ryan is a boner for the first time in a year right now. Yeah. Oh. Sexual harassment.
Starting point is 00:38:48 Is that... I didn't hate that. I got a question. Is that a Nyla Lee shirt that you're wearing? Fuck yeah, it is. Oh, shit. I love that guy, man. Yeah, I love that guy.
Starting point is 00:38:56 Rick. What is that? It's a guy in Carolina, man. He got his own T-shirt company. He makes them out of a shed. It's called Nyla, N-Y-L-A, which is his daughter's name. Since he always dreamed of being in fashion, it's New York, L.A.
Starting point is 00:39:10 Huh. Interesting. I wonder how he'd feel knowing the people that buy his shirt and wear them on live podcasts have a dick that doesn't work. Yeah. He has more wood in his shirt. I performed in that town, right? I did a weekend. He showed up, and he blessed me with clothing,
Starting point is 00:39:26 and he broke the whole thing down. I was like, I'll wear it. And then I put his shirt on, and I went on stage and talked about Slay. I might have walked him, but he was there for a while. He's a cool fucking dude. He gives all the emcees and feature headlines all fucking free shirts. He dope shit. Great guy.
Starting point is 00:39:42 It is the number two T-shirt for guys with erectile dysfunction. Number one is federal breast inspector. That's the first. Watch out. Ryan, let me ask you something. What's your plan of action before we move on with you? Are you going to go see a doctor about this? I don't know if something could...
Starting point is 00:40:01 Hey, don't say nothing. Stay tuned to my next show and I'll talk about it. Stay tuned. Listen next week, and you'll find out. There you go, Ryan Higgins. Ryan Higgins predicting that he will be pulled out of the bucket for a third week in a row. That is confidence that usually a guy that has a dick that works would have.
Starting point is 00:40:23 A huge dick guy. That's a guy with big dick confidence, not to mention no dick confidence. While he's talking, I'm sitting here doing Kegels to make sure my shit still works. Because I'm getting scared like, God damn, this is a thing. He's on Twitter at Dick Don't Work.
Starting point is 00:40:40 No, I'm kidding. He's on Twitter at I'm Ryan Higgins. He's that guy. So we're having fun. Fuck yeah, two for kidding. He's on Twitter at IamRyanHiggins. He's that guy. So we're having fun. Fuck yeah. Two for two. A couple interesting people. Both of them not eating enough food. So I'm going to pull another name out of the bucket. Hopefully we get a big
Starting point is 00:40:53 fucking chunky person up here. How about Sarah Afkami, everybody? Here we go. Hi guys. So I'm from Austin, Texas and people always ask if it was hard growing up Persian in Texas. No, everyone just thought I was a Mexican who could read. Sorry to all you intellectual Mexicans out there. up Persian in Texas. No, everyone just thought I was a Mexican who could read. Sorry
Starting point is 00:41:28 to all you intellectual Mexicans out there. Sure you exist. I, uh, you know how some things, like, you think they'll be, like, a great asset in your life, and then they're just not? Like, my father is a motivational speaker, and you'd think that, like, would make me sore but
Starting point is 00:41:46 here I am holy shit I'm a little gay I'm a little gay unfortunately but not like invite her to your hot tub with the girlfriend kind of gay more angsty self-loathing. Like Kevin Spacey in, what was it? Real Life. He's probably tried to touch your cock, let's be real. Tony. Pretty lady.
Starting point is 00:42:14 No, you're just talking, not lady. Man. But like your essence. No, your essence is like divine. Whoa, whoa. Yeah, way to really fizzle out at the end. Really just started eating shit at the end. Had a bunch of nice stuff
Starting point is 00:42:26 I was about to say. You're nothing like Kevin Spacey. You look more like Kevin Smith, you motherfucker. How dare you call me a lady? No, I meant your essence. You're divine. I love it. You have the essence of every Austin comic I've ever seen before.
Starting point is 00:42:42 The essence of every Bob's Burger character. Who was that? Sarah, I remember you from the, you are very funny. You crushed at Kill Tony Austin, Texas. I remember that, correct? No, the roast. I didn't go up.
Starting point is 00:42:59 You did the stand-up show with us or something like that. No, she was on Acid. I was on Acid, but that was like a sham. I mean, it wasn't a sham. It was like not planned. Set and setting, guys. Sarah, stand up. Stand up.
Starting point is 00:43:10 Be a professional. Set and setting. Of course, the only girl to ever get on her knees on this show is a fucking lesbian. That's all this show. But I don't have the balls to use my strap on. Do you have a strap on? Yeah. Is that really true?
Starting point is 00:43:24 Yeah. And you've never used it? No, I've used it. I thought the only person that didn't use their dick was Ryan Higgins. Ha! God. You sound so excited when you deliver that. So good.
Starting point is 00:43:36 So good. He leaned into that motherfucker. Even I, with my own brain, sometimes I'm like, fuck, am I good. That second joke, man, fucked me up because it started with so much promise about your dad being a motivational speaker that you just started jumping around and shit. Oh, fuck.
Starting point is 00:43:51 So, yeah, it's something there that you could lean into, you know what I mean? But you just didn't, you know? You have such a likable face. You have such a likable round head. You have the head of an emoticon. Do you know that? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:44:03 It's like perfectly round and yellow. Yellow. That's a way to be described on Tinder. If a stand-up set was only supposed to be nine seconds long,
Starting point is 00:44:15 you would be the greatest comic of all time. But then you just ate shit the rest of the time. Did I really? But the first joke
Starting point is 00:44:21 was awesome. I love that first joke. Do more like that one. Okay. Do more of the stuff that works. I know. You're right. No, because that was a real good turn.
Starting point is 00:44:30 I didn't see the Mexican agreed. I didn't see that coming. I liked it. And then, yeah, you just seemed like you lost. How long have you? I don't know. Jump it around. I don't even get what that was.
Starting point is 00:44:38 Oh, sorry. Yeah, it was anxiety. I have ADHD. But it's, you know, I've just been like a hack and not doing stand-up. I've been like a sitcom writer for too long. Not true. All right. Thanks, but anyway.
Starting point is 00:44:48 Don't tell it about yourself. Don't say that shit. Pat always defends the hipsters. Oh, don't say that about yourself. Don't say that about yourself with your glasses that you're wearing. No, she's not a hipster. Just emotionally unstable. So I defend emotionally unstable people.
Starting point is 00:45:04 I am. Yeah. And there is not a fuckingster. Just emotionally unstable. So I defend emotionally unstable people. I am. Yeah. And there is not a fucking name in this bucket, my friend, that is not emotionally unstable. I promise. Yes, comedy. There's not one. There's people whose fucking dicks don't work, man. Emotionally unstable.
Starting point is 00:45:21 That's fucking school. All right, let's do it. Sarah, what do you do for work? Well, I was just fired by Chelsea Handler. I was on a week-to-week contract for her Netflix show. And it started out as a love fest. I mean, so I've been a hack, like mind whore. Right, just like with your set.
Starting point is 00:45:38 You started off great, and by the end, she didn't want to be around you anymore. No, it was her producer, the stride of uterus. Wait a minute. You wrote a bunch of shit, right? Yeah, we would write her tweets and everything. Alright, so I mean... Oh! What's happening?
Starting point is 00:45:55 Somebody didn't sign a non-disclosure agreement. I did! I signed like nine! Please bleep that. I signed like nine. Please, I'm sorry. You better hope Chelsea's handler doesn't find out about that. No, I think amazing things of her. Well, look, I'm not trying to get you in trouble. But, like, so you had to write shit that they didn't use, right?
Starting point is 00:46:15 Oh, you know, yeah, there was, like, a whole chain of command. Why don't you have that? Like, nine departments. Do you have those jokes again? To do? Yeah. Why don't you do those? Oh, no, but it's all, you know, stand-up in like a talk show format is different. Yeah, but you still, it's got to be a premise or two.
Starting point is 00:46:29 I've been writing for years. No, you're right. I was, I honestly, the truth is I came tonight, A, because I heard Ari Shafir's whole rant about podcasts and the power of them and like killing media. And then also Tony, my offer, Tony. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you know, from Ari's book. So I did, the truth is I was like kind of throwing out areas because I wanted to hear Tony's like discerning laser eye like meanness. Yeah, level of judgment. So I did. The truth is I was kind of throwing out areas because I wanted to hear
Starting point is 00:46:45 Tony's discerning, laser-eyed meanness. You need to hear it from me. You need to hear it from the audience that doesn't react. Who you just was when you was pointing at Tony, getting in his face? Be that person when you perform. Don't do the anxiety shit. Just go in and give it to him. I agree with Byron. You are
Starting point is 00:47:02 already likable. You don't need to play nice. I agree with Byron. You are already likable. You don't need to play nice. Okay. Yeah. I'm timid. Like a faggot. No, I'm a faggot. No, I'm a faggot. Yeah, you need that. You need more of that. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:47:17 Ryan's dick just punched her wall. In another room. So how long ago did she fire you? Did she fire you directly? No, no, no. She was rarely there. I mean, she was working very hard. Right.
Starting point is 00:47:31 The shoots. The shoots. Dang. She wasn't just hanging out in her house in Spain in the first few weeks when we were all planning the vision for it. She wasn't. This girl's...
Starting point is 00:47:41 Good luck on your next job. Wow. Jesus Christ. Good luck on your next job. Good luck on your next job. That's the thing. I don't want to be a whore anymore. I want to be like these guys. Look at them. They're just doing it. All of you. We all are whores. Look at us.
Starting point is 00:47:53 I just clapped at a dude getting a shark fan put on his dick. Yeah. There's no way to not be a whore and be in the entertainment industry. Or want money. I still think some whores have higher money. You know what I mean? I still think some whores have higher standards.
Starting point is 00:48:11 You could still do what you want, but at the end of the day, somebody has to pay you for stuff. Yeah, but I'm just saying. You go to that church of Viacom and you've got the fucking trembles. Jesus Christ. Yeah, your fin will shake right off your fucking head. What do you mean you have the trembles at Viacom? Somebody paid you to write jokes. Because we used to build churches and cathedrals,
Starting point is 00:48:30 and now the tall... Okay, forget it. Don't explain it. I hated that as soon as he started it. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Say what you was going to say. No, I was going to say, you have gotten paid to write jokes, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:48:39 So you got paid specifically for that skill because you're capable of writing jokes. I know you're capable of writing jokes because that Mexican one was great. was great thanks thanks the rest of those they literally you if you put it on a piece of paper does that actually work on paper you're you're right i'm with you all right i kind of it was like a whim of like mining oh the kevin spacey one i think it can i'd defend that one well i stopped paying attention at that point but fuck no offense but you know whatever fuck because i lost the wind in one and then it was done for you.
Starting point is 00:49:06 Yeah, they're just hopping around shit. Fuck. I didn't even know. And it's also pretty inside. That's a little inside show business. Kevin Spacey being gay? Yeah, it's a little inside. You guys didn't know he grasps
Starting point is 00:49:16 for, like, everyone's cock inside? No, they don't. People don't really know that. I didn't know that. How do you know? How do you know? Let me ask you. How did you find out?
Starting point is 00:49:25 You have a friend who he hit on, right? Yeah, those are all the people that know that he's gay. Yeah, if you're in Indiana, they're not going to know what you're talking about. I'm sorry. I didn't know this room was full of people from Indiana. Still information that really shouldn't be thrown out there. Just like the Chelsea Handler shit. Can you bleep these things out?
Starting point is 00:49:41 Chelsea Handler is the best, most gorgeous soul. I love her. Hey, we're a show business. and the more you're a show business, everybody around you is going to have fucked up shit that you can't tell nobody. Okay. So remember that. I mean, I work with this guy every single day. Do you understand the secrets I have to keep?
Starting point is 00:49:58 I just don't. I don't understand why a man loving another man's prostate or something. Why is man on man growth? I love how Tony tried to shake that one. I was like, no. It just doesn't even make any sense. You're going to
Starting point is 00:50:15 hold on to my secrets? Jesus. Hey, Tony, can we bring the next comment up? Yeah, you better. Wait, Pat, you were the one who was defending her a second ago. Now you're so sick of her. Where'd the mic stand go? It's like Chelsea.
Starting point is 00:50:29 Even the mic stand left during Sarah's set. Oh, God. We're having a stuff, too. Sarah, you got it. Jesse nailed it on the head. I mean, follow your momentum with the first jokes. Stop self-destructing and stop bouncing around trying to be likable. You're already likable. Just write your shit down
Starting point is 00:50:46 and look at it. Have the words that come out of your face make sense. Who is this guy? This guy is right. And stop burning the only bridges that you've ever had in show business by the way. That might not work for you. Yeah. Well she always
Starting point is 00:51:01 got motivational speaking. You know what I mean? She can take everything. No I mean it's okay. I bet you do like her. Yeah. Well, she always got motivational speaking. You know what I mean? She can take it. No, I mean, it's okay. I bet you do like her. Yeah, she's... Alright, there she goes. There she still goes. Sarah F. Comey. I love,
Starting point is 00:51:21 love, love that there's a drummer in this. Isn't that fun? It feels good in here. First ever time with a drummer. It's weird he don't have a microphone. He got to stare at two asses the whole time. Fucking love it. Hey, you got to work your way up in this band. I love that.
Starting point is 00:51:40 Well, you guys ready for another comedian or what? Put your hands together for Quinn Wright. Come on, make some noise, ladies and gentlemen. Quinn Wright, everybody. Come on. So I'm a virgin at 25. And I mean, I get it, ladies. Seth Rogen with downs is not a very good look.
Starting point is 00:52:09 But it's autism. That last part's actually true. I am on the spectrum. It's a light case, though, and I don't have a lot of sensitivities to, you know, like crowds, sounds, lights, people's feelings. I don't pay attention to any of that shit. My uncle is a hearse driver, and he's losing his vision.
Starting point is 00:52:29 Recently, he lost his glasses. He means to get a new pair, but it's just been so good for his business, he just can't. That's my time. Thanks. Fuck yeah. All right. In and out, Jeff. 35 seconds. 35 seconds. Actually, he. 35 seconds. 35 seconds.
Starting point is 00:52:48 Actually, he'll tell us how many seconds. He knows it far more accurately than you do. Yeah, what does this attach to? I've never seen a rain man carry around a poncho. What's happening? It's a camera. What is it? It's a camera.
Starting point is 00:53:05 That's a camera? Well, it's It's a camera. That's a camera? Well, it's the camera bag. The camera's in it. Fuck, yeah. Yeah, man, you got to lose that shit. You can't be walking around. As a black man, I'm telling you, as a white man, you can't be walking around with shit like that strapped on. It might have something to do with the virgin thing. I mean, no one's going to come up to you with that except maybe that one guy.
Starting point is 00:53:23 That just looks suspect. That one guy. The boner. you with that except maybe that one guy. That just looks suspect. That one guy. The boner. The boner guy. Everybody, the one guy. That's a great reference, Brian. When was the last time you were on a date? Have you ever been on a date?
Starting point is 00:53:33 No, never. So you're a virgin. How old are you? 25. I love this. Let's talk about this. Sure. You ever came before?
Starting point is 00:53:39 You ever jacked off? Well, yeah, duh. What noise do you make when you jack off? Like, what noise do you make? Because you look like you make a weird noise when you come. I don't make noise. Like, your teeth don't chatter or nothing. You'll be like,
Starting point is 00:53:53 you don't do nothing. It's silent and shameful. It's silent and shameful. You keep those glasses on when you do it? No, I don't. You don't jack off. You don't be taking your glass off and be wiping your forehead and putting some stuff on your face. He just loudly counts off the strokes. Eight, nine.
Starting point is 00:54:12 Have you ever talked to a girl like gotten close, you feel like? Yeah, I've had some bad experiences. Only bad experience. Can you tell us about one? That's how they start, brother. I'm not really comfortable with that. Come on. You don't have to talk about the girl's name or anything.
Starting point is 00:54:25 Just tell us. I just got a little obsessed, and I didn't see signals because I'm an idiot. Wow. Yeah. I was that way for a long time. Did you not see the signals because the blinds were down? Right? Yeah, no.
Starting point is 00:54:39 Was your camera in your hand at the time? Was it because you were tackled by the Secret Service and Jodie Foster didn't appreciate the gesture? Tackled. John Hinckley reference. That's fine. Quinn, what are you into? You're autistic. What are some of your wacky hobbies? Pro wrestling?
Starting point is 00:54:56 Magic the Gathering? What are we talking about? Photography. That's it. Wow, I get the feeling you have a lot of pictures on your walls of girls that maybe you've seen a few times. Nope. No, mostly trains. I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:55:13 I'm sorry. That was shitty of me. I didn't even catch it. That was mean. That was mean of me. Anyway, I think you're great. Are you? I think you're great.
Starting point is 00:55:23 If this isn't a character, you're a genius. I like it a lot. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my second time on stage. Whoa! Second time on stage! Yeah. Good.
Starting point is 00:55:43 And if I know anything about Quinn Wright, it's that he's going to keep coming back whether he's invited or not. Yeah, man, just keep doing it. You know what's good? You did your time and you didn't fuck around. Yep. Right? You don't give a fuck what time is left.
Starting point is 00:56:00 You hit them. But since you're going to do a short amount of time, if you want to do that, you can slow down as much as you possibly can. Yeah, I got nervous. Yeah. Yeah, second time, dude, I get it. But you actually had things that are identifiable as jokes. Yeah, that's true. They had punchlines.
Starting point is 00:56:16 That's a unique, fun quality about time. And you would have got louder laughs if you took the bag off. Yeah. People took a couple of seconds to go like, is he going to pull a cord and yell Allah Akbar?
Starting point is 00:56:28 Yeah. Like, he threw us for a minute. You were like somebody who got recruited by ISIS and then grew everything back just to come back and pretend like you normal again.
Starting point is 00:56:39 Yeah. So... Anyway, yeah. The funeral home, the uncle joke. Yeah, that's a joke That works How long have you lived in Los Angeles? Whole life
Starting point is 00:56:52 Really? You still live with your parents? Yeah What do they do? My dad works at Costco, he used to be a writer for movies He helped write basketball Wow, that's cool Joey Diaz is in basketball.
Starting point is 00:57:06 Fun fact. It's not that fun. How about mom? What does she do? She sells fabric. Stepmother works in the industry, too. Her name is Joanne. You may have heard of her.
Starting point is 00:57:13 Wait, you live with your mom and your dad and your stepmother? No, I go between two houses. You go between two houses. That's smart. That's smart. I mean, this isn't fun at all. It's actually just really weird and strange. Say it. Both my mothers are named... I'm sorry, I'm drying out. two houses. That's smart. I mean, this isn't fun at all. It's actually just really weird and strange.
Starting point is 00:57:28 Both my mothers are named... I'm sorry, I'm trying out. But both my mothers have the same name derivative of Laurel. That is not funny. Are you serious? Yeah, I should have just... God bless you. I want to say it, and I just...
Starting point is 00:57:44 This has been this week's episode of when autistic people don't know when they're being autistic. Yeah. Here's something I think you will all find very interesting. I want to be walking through this. The derivatives of the names of both of my mothers.
Starting point is 00:58:01 I just thought it was interesting, but I knew it wasn't. You know what's funny? I had to write this shit down. You're not wrong. They're wrong. How are they? Explain that to me.
Starting point is 00:58:10 I just think it's interesting since my dad got divorced from my mother and named another woman named Laurel. They're both named Laurel. Well, my mother is Laurel. That is hardy to believe. Laurel. Laurel. And the other one's Laurel.
Starting point is 00:58:19 And Laurel. Laurel and Laurel. Oh, okay. Good joke. Huh? Yeah, okay. Yeah, all right. It makes sense to me now.
Starting point is 00:58:25 I get it. You ever fantasize about your stepmother? No. Never not once? Not once. Not one time. Not one time. You never fantasize? Look me in the eye and tell me.
Starting point is 00:58:36 Not once. God damn, this is scary. He's not going to look you in the eye. This shit is scary right here. Look at him in his eyes. It's like looking at a pit bull, like a rescue pit bull in his eyes. Woo! Oh, shit.
Starting point is 00:58:48 Good job, man. I immediately felt guilty stepping up. Hey, ain't he bigger than you think? You get up, and then you look, and you're like, oh, shit, I fucked up. You know what I mean? I had to walk away from some altercations like that before. I'm like, oh, shit. If you don't get out of his face right now, he's going to do your homework for you.
Starting point is 00:59:06 Were you a really good student in school, Quinn? Not really, no. Tell us something other than photography. I'm autistic. Other than photography, one thing that you love? Film. I used to work in film. I still technically sort of do sometimes.
Starting point is 00:59:21 Other than photography and film and anything that has anything to do with a camera. Other than birds, what do you love? Zalem. Not really anything. That's pretty much it. What's your favorite kind of porn? Category porn.
Starting point is 00:59:36 Category I don't really go with, but I've been on a girl lately, Cassidy Banks. She's gorgeous. Fuck yeah. She just changed her name right now I think it's Laurel now It's a derivative of Laurel Holy shit
Starting point is 01:00:00 This is the fucking greatest show in the world Oh my god Holy shit. This is the fucking greatest shit in the world. Oh, man. Oh, my God. Quinn, this is so fun. You are such a cool, honest, interesting character. I like this dude. I love that.
Starting point is 01:00:19 I think for your second time on stage, everything that I'm seeing right now, I mean, you're sorry other fucking sad losers that didn't really do jokes, but you were the standout so far of the night. Thank you. And for two times on stage, your comfort level right now and your awareness of, you know, also being able to laugh at yourself, very fucking impressive. I have been on camera in my underwear before, and that was before I was even this. Wait a second. Wait, Quentin, slow it down a little bit here. Who's this Christmas card?
Starting point is 01:00:44 Yeah, this is easy compared to that. Quinn, when were you in your underwear? On what occasion were you in your underwear on camera? All six of us are asking the same question at the same time. I was in a movie? Yeah, what kind of movie? What caliber? Bowling for Columbine.
Starting point is 01:01:06 Wow. Brian lights out Red Band. Getting a fist bump from Writers Guild. Jesse Joyce. It was a family comedy about the subprime mortgage called Subprime the Comedy. All right. And why were you in your underwear? Because that was the character.
Starting point is 01:01:26 What did you say in it? Did you audition for that? Well, my dad helped write it. Oh, he wrote you in the loophole. Like Ice Cube in NWA. No, my dad helped write it. My dad helped write it and actually played my uncle in it.
Starting point is 01:01:42 Double loophole. It's not a great movie, though. So I wouldn't recommend watching it. Oh, neat. Yeah. Double loophole. It's not a great movie, though. Okay. So I wouldn't recommend watching it. Oh. It's not a good movie. How does your father feel if he heard you say that? It can't be a good movie if his dad's working at Costco now. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:01:55 Well, he did it as a favor. But you don't know what his dad does with Costco. He could write free samples of the shit. That was my next question. Costco's known for everything being in bulk. I'm sure he gets some kind of an employee discount. Is there anything that you get that you love from
Starting point is 01:02:11 Costco that you make him get? Any kind of beef jerky? You look like a beef jerky guy. Has anybody told you that before? What do you like to snack on? Give us a couple of your favorite snacks. Skittles. I like to snap into a slum gym occasionally. Make sure you leave with this tonight.
Starting point is 01:02:30 When they say you're interested, you're so interested in that, actually ask some questions to find out what type of snacks you like. You know what I mean? These are things you could talk about, you know? What are they? What are some snacks you like? I'm into the, lately, lemon bars from the 100-cal calorie lemon bars.
Starting point is 01:02:46 Oh, come on. 100 calorie lemon bars? Well, I'm trying to slim down. That's a derivative of full calorie lemon bars. And I eat like 20 at a time. Goddamn. Dude, do you realize that's
Starting point is 01:03:01 literally the best joke of the night so far? Is that you've been trying to keep, you know, whatever. You have these new 100-calorie lemon bars. Well, I mean, I eat 20 of them, but the way you said that, we could just feel your honesty. I'm telling you, it's a really crazy quality that normally it takes people fucking years to get. But when you say something that's real, it fucking feels real.
Starting point is 01:03:23 I still think, you know, like I don't trust anybody. I still think Ryan Higgins might be able to get a boner. You know what I mean? But when you say the stuff that you have going on, like I truly believe it. Because I looked in your eyes and there's something in your eyes. Like there's another person, rest in peace, my friend who had eyes like yours. He was funny as fuck. A guy named Angelo Bowers.
Starting point is 01:03:43 He got his eyes, man. Legend. One of the best of all time. He was funny as fuck. A guy named Angelo Bowers. You got his eyes, man. One of the best of all time. He was the funniest out of everybody in our class. You have a level of comfort that's unusual. Normally it takes most comics years to get that. All you had to do was have your parents get you vaccinated for
Starting point is 01:03:59 measles. You automatically have the most confidence of anyone I've ever seen at a comedy stage. Jesus Christ. Do you know Joshua Meyerowitz?
Starting point is 01:04:14 He's also autistic. You should go on road with him. Just made a couple miles. Go on the road to the laugh factory. But if one of them bombs, they're going to be called autistic blunder that's for the two of you that know that Josh Meyerowitz's
Starting point is 01:04:32 twitter handle is autistic thunder those two people that got it didn't even laugh so that is so awesome Quinn please please please come back and sign up again for this show. Leave the backpack at home, though. That's distracting to be on stage. Yeah, you're not allowed to take pictures here anyway. Yeah, I just take pictures on the road at Hollywood sometimes.
Starting point is 01:04:55 On the road? Like what have you taken pictures of today? Nothing today, actually, yet. Really? I just take it wherever I go because I might take a picture. Have you ever sneaked a little picture of a chick before? Upskirt? You ever take an upskirt? Not really, no. Really? I just take it wherever I go because I might take a picture. Have you ever sneaked a little picture of a chick before? Upskirt? You ever take an upskirt? Not really, no. No? You should try it.
Starting point is 01:05:09 No, I'm actually really not comfortable taking pictures of people most of the time. Right. Unless they ask me to. I imagine how uncomfortable they must be. Yeah. Whoever asked you to take a picture? Whoever looked at you and was like, hey, are you a photographer? Who the fuck?
Starting point is 01:05:25 I've gotten quite a few fashion gigs. Oh, really? Yeah. Really? Fashion gigs? Does that count the
Starting point is 01:05:33 one where you're just in your underwear in a movie? No, no, I'm taking the pictures. I love that. I can't believe a guy that gets fashion gigs
Starting point is 01:05:40 can get away with wearing a Vietnam veteran jacket. Yeah, it's mainly for the fans. Do you have an Instagram? We could check out your work. Right on Target is my name on social medias, right with a W. Right on Target photo is my website.
Starting point is 01:05:54 Wow, well, very cool. It was so nice to meet you. There he goes, the second time ever on stage. Quinn Wright, ladies and gentlemen. Good job, man. Good job, man. You know what's fucked up? In three years, we all gonna be working for this guy. Totally.
Starting point is 01:06:14 Hey, boss, can you get a picture of me? He'll be like, hey, remember that time that I did that show? Alright, back to work. Totally. Byron, you're absolutely fucking right. You just see these people become absolute monsters. Second time on stage.
Starting point is 01:06:30 One more time for Quinn Wright, everybody. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. For the third week in a row, ladies and gentlemen, I have pulled out of this fucking bucket one of the most unbelievable sensations to come to Kill Tony in a long time. They are back, these lucky motherfuckers.
Starting point is 01:06:52 It is the Verzi triplets. Yes. Oh, my God. Thank you. Wow. Hi. Thank you. Everybody, wait.
Starting point is 01:07:14 Everybody fucking stop talking and relax for a second, all right? Everybody shut the fuck up. This is a live podcast. One more. Okay, almost there. One more time for the Versi triplets, ladies and gentlemen. Well, I know this looks fun, but you know what this wasn't fun for? Our mom.
Starting point is 01:07:35 Just not fun. My parents, they only wanted one kid. They got three. That means two of us were mistakes. Well, according to my dad, all three of us were mistakes, so that's good. You know, three babies and one belly, that's a lot of weight for one moment. My mom literally doubled in size. Like, here's my mom before the pregnancy, and here's my mom nine months pregnant.
Starting point is 01:08:02 Get these babies out of me! And the labor was just horrific. She said it did not stop. For the doctors, it must have been like pulling on a magician's handkerchief. It just kept going and going. And oh my God, there's more in here. Wow, this thing is never ending. Like our father's disappointment in us.
Starting point is 01:08:27 I wasn't sure we... in us. I thought it would be a hit of the cat. Did they each get 60 seconds? They timed it out and they thought that they were going to get more laughs. That's my favorite thing. The Verzi triplets, ladies and gentlemen. What the fuck?
Starting point is 01:08:46 Are you guys time travelers? This shit would fucking kill in 1908. I'm serious. You guys would be the best fucking comics of all time in 1908. That's what I said. Y'all too handsome and buff to do that bullshit. You know what I mean? You know what they want to hear.
Starting point is 01:09:11 Give them that handsome buff shit. Now, what I love... Talk about how great life is. You know what I mean? How y'all be running trains on bitches and they don't even know. We want to hear that shit. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 01:09:27 Talk that triplet shit nigga Talk that triplet shit I know y'all dress better than this I know it Life wasn't that hard You know what I mean I've come to Yeah let me get three of those Old Navy Y'all got them Phoenix?
Starting point is 01:09:47 They're Target. Target three-pack. I love the Verzee triplets. Oh, a huge note that I'm going to give you guys. That's six dimples up there. What the fuck? That you can see. One of the interesting things about the Verzee triplets,
Starting point is 01:10:03 I don't know if you guys noticed how it's one of the most blatant things that you have to notice, is that one of them has a lisp. Now what I love is not only has this lisp blatantly gotten worse over the last three weeks, but I also love how the amount of the things that you guys could totally divvy up and assign and say different things, you have him saying so many S references in his weird fucking Jay Leno
Starting point is 01:10:28 lispy ass voice. And it is just, I mean, do you do that strategically? Do you guys give him the S words? No. He tries to like... No, no, yes. Exactly.
Starting point is 01:10:46 Now, it's impressive to me. Now, another thing, by the way, and I'm not fucking around, and I don't usually talk about tweets this much, but I did get a lot of tweets this week talking about Pat Reagan, who is, you know, one of my favorite human beings, truly one of the people that I believe in the most,
Starting point is 01:11:05 unbelievable comedian, musician, hard-ass fucking worker, creative force, love working with him, and I have never seen him more fucking fired up because you guys are, you know what I mean? You're pure and you're clean and you're good people and you're taking an... Don't forget handsome.
Starting point is 01:11:23 You're taking an opposite approach than the grungy, cult figure like, you know, risk taker that is a Pat Reagan. And Pat went insane, ballistic, ranting, hatred, spewing it last week. You've been silent so far. Pat, have the Verzi triplets won you over?
Starting point is 01:11:41 No. Okay. You know who that crazy set wasn't fun for? Everyone say the audience in unison. One, two, three. The audience. Wow. You know what I see here?
Starting point is 01:11:56 I like this. Wait, let that go. More of that. What the fuck were you just about to say? Go ahead. Say it. It's just you guys are like commercial actors, just generic
Starting point is 01:12:07 artless guys and you don't get it. You don't know what you're doing. Oh, Jesus. I like this. This is like about the art, man. It's not cool, dude. You need to get in there.
Starting point is 01:12:21 They remind me of the Three Stooges, but Curly Larry and no. You're like a barbershop quartet where the fourth guy killed himself. That's what you seem like to me. Do you guys think what you're doing is funny? Do you think it's funny? And you guys, I got no problem with you guys. I'm being serious.
Starting point is 01:12:42 We are friends. You can call us anytime. We hate your problem with you guys. I'm being, I'm, I'm being, we are friends. We are. You can call us anytime. Can I, you know what? We hate your comedy with the Patrick, but do you think what you are doing right now is funny? All right. So Pat, Pat. There's three of you.
Starting point is 01:12:54 Pat. That's three different brains. Pat. That's three opportunities to stop making these choices and putting yourself out there on stage. I'm going to answer that. Hang on. The artist has to adjust his shark fin.
Starting point is 01:13:07 What you're doing is easy, bro. You telling me y'all really like each other that much? That's what the fuck you saying? You know what I mean? He never did no shit to you that pissed you off. Y'all slightly, now that I'm standing up, y'all do slightly look a little bit different. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 01:13:24 Together, y'all would be like a perfect 11, now that I'm standing up, y'all do slightly look a little bit different. You know what I mean? Together, y'all would be like a perfect 11. But now I see the flaws in y'all. Did you guys really all come out at the same time? What? You guys all came out at the same fucking time, right? Yeah, 30 seconds. 30 seconds. Wow.
Starting point is 01:13:37 I came out of the closet, and I was like, what? You guys all came out of the closet 30 seconds apart? It was a rough day for my dad. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello, P. Sayonara.
Starting point is 01:13:53 Listen. So would y'all race to go take shits? You know what I mean? Would you be mad if your brother shat before? Do y'all shit at the same time? How do this shit works? I have Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. Oh, you son of a bitch.
Starting point is 01:14:09 Thank you, drummer. You know what? I'm going to answer that question that Pat had for them, I feel like, because I don't think you guys want to admit it and nod your head if I'm correct. I don't really think that you guys think that what you did today and even last week is funny? I think you guys don't think it's funny.
Starting point is 01:14:30 I think you're saying things that you think that the audience will think is funny. Would you agree with that or do you really fucking think that having the guy with the lisp do all that shit? It's like you guys got cast to do comedy. Oh, that's good. That's a good one.
Starting point is 01:14:45 By the way, one thing, and let me tell you something Verzi Triplets right now is I know this cannot possibly be the dream situation what's happening, but I'm looking at the way these fucking comedians clap when Pat goes against you guys, and you will always have that. And you have
Starting point is 01:15:02 to learn, if you're going to fucking take this shit seriously and do it, you have to know that all these people are going to hate you guys three times more than they hate every other comic. And every comic hates any fucking comic that gets pulled out of a bucket, that's booked on a show, that gets anything.
Starting point is 01:15:18 What was the difference between their first time? Their first time, we really liked what they had on stage. And the second time was bullshit. Can I tell you something? Your guys' timing is all off. You're leaving beats. You're leaving pauses where stuff isn't even jokes. In the very beginning when you're like, oh, what the fuck was the first thing
Starting point is 01:15:33 that you fucking said? You know who doesn't like me? My mother, right? Right, right. You know who doesn't like me? My mother! You guys have to respond like you're fucking talking. You know when it's gonna happen? When one casting person said That is the least one. When one casting person said, we want that one, and the other ones become unsuccessful,
Starting point is 01:15:51 damn, they're going to get funny. Yep. At least two of them. You know what I mean? Yeah. At least two of them are going to get funny. I mean. Yeah, it's the Verzi twins.
Starting point is 01:16:00 They're related to that brother. There's a way to do it, right? What are your first things? You guys don't talk like that in real life. None of you, but somehow you come on stage. Jesse, we all talk like that. Seriously,
Starting point is 01:16:18 no one... You guys are like fucking vaudevillians. I don't know what you're talking about. I was super interested when you came up. I wanted to hear what you guys had to say. And can you imagine what that would be like if you were actually... The trick of stand-up is to make it seem conversational. Make it seem like you're just naturally this funny when you're talking, when you're doing your jokes.
Starting point is 01:16:40 And then if I came up and talked to you and you started talking like the fucking Warner Brothers frog, all three of you, I would go, this guy's full of shit, and I would walk away. You know what I mean? That's not how human beings talk to each other. You can be funny. I want you guys to be funny. What do you guys do for work?
Starting point is 01:16:57 How do you survive? Do you still live with your parents? We do. Construction. Okay, construction. We do construction, yes. You guys do it. Did you guys sleep in the same bed like head to toe?
Starting point is 01:17:09 Like. Like. With like old nightcaps on. Watch. Watch that be in the next X-Men movie. It's like some weird superhero type. X-Men. I think.
Starting point is 01:17:19 I don't know. I want to be constructive because I really don't. I think it's like I don't want to fucking hate on you guys that much. I. You guys need to fucking. You guys need to fucking realize like what – because I do cringeworthy shit on purpose. But you guys – like realize like the audience is just cringing. Do you know what I mean? Like you don't want to make the audience cringe. You got to go for it.
Starting point is 01:17:41 You're going to be performative. Just like fucking – I don't know. Get modern. But do you guys think like if there was like a flappers, like your parents go to a comedy show, they would like that shit though, right? They would. Yeah, I mean, so there is an audience for that. That's why I hate it so much because they could be more successful than I'll ever be. Maybe they're just fucking up, mixing up with the wrong.
Starting point is 01:18:02 I mean, this is like dirty darkness and you you guys need to be over at Flappers. No, this went on a cruise ship tomorrow. People would be. Man, everybody hates the mercy triplets. I've never seen such influence. Have you guys ever done Steve Martin? Who are their influences? Oh, Steve Martin?
Starting point is 01:18:21 Okay. I love it. I love that you three dress like off-duty Power Rangers. Hey, you know who they look like? They look like the Pep Boys. They look like the Pep Boys. It's the Pep Boys when they was young. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 01:18:37 You look like you're on the college pamphlet. Like a fake one. Not even a real one. And nobody. They look like the three letters They look like the three letters of the fret That's pie apple pie right there I feel like you guys would have been Amelia Earhart's favorite comic
Starting point is 01:18:55 That's hilarious This is what I listen to when I fly planes Yeah just look Just talk like fucking adult men do. You know what I mean? I'm not trying to be emasculated to you. I'm just saying that comics don't like our mother. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 01:19:14 It's definitely a feeling out thing. We're trying different ways to do it. Totally. Have you guys seen the Sklar brothers? Yes, but there's also... Have you seen Nancy and Sky? But they're twins. Have you heard of Nancy and Sky?
Starting point is 01:19:29 Do you know about them? Sky and Nancy? I saw the funniest fucking... I'm not even kidding. I saw the funniest comedy duo I've ever seen in my fucking life last night at the Hollywood Improv. I watched the first ten seconds just thinking this was going to be...
Starting point is 01:19:42 I always just watch for five seconds every time, and I'm always just like, oh, dog shit, goodbye. And, oh, my God, it was unbelievable. They're older, and they play these characters that are, like, rich as fuck. Have you seen them? Yeah, they're funny as fuck. Every single thing that one person says is funny, and then the next person reacts and responds to that thing funny,
Starting point is 01:20:04 and then they respond funny. You don't need setups. You guys can fire off missiles. Rapid fire. You don't need to take it slow. They will catch up with you. Go for it. Have you ever done stand-up comedy individually?
Starting point is 01:20:19 Have you ever done that? Only the one with the lisp, by the way. Maybe you guys could practice that and then work together on stage. done that. Only the one with the lisp, by the way. Maybe you guys could practice that and then work together on stage so it's not you guys finishing each other's sentences. It's like you kind of just playing off each other. We are running later than your guys'
Starting point is 01:20:36 moms, period. Versi triplets, everybody. There they go. It doesn't really make sense. Congratulations. Congratulations. He's definitely the comedian. The one with the lisp almost fell on his ass. He's definitely the comedian.
Starting point is 01:20:52 Man, I really almost bit the dust on that one. Jesus Christ. What does he mean I say too many s's? I think that the two need to assimilate and they need to get lists so they just all have lists
Starting point is 01:21:06 across the board yeah totally like Spain like the whole country of Spain they did that I don't know if they're
Starting point is 01:21:13 still here but you guys should not feel that bad you should hold your head high and keep fucking doing it I totally agree Versi triplets you guys have got to
Starting point is 01:21:20 fucking keep getting better at you know building that muscle having no soul you heard these motherfuckers roar, those comedians up there, when I said that they hate you three times more. They went crazy, and there's a
Starting point is 01:21:31 fucking reason why. It's because they fucking hate you. We all wish that we had two other people to fucking help make us funny. Alright, so, okay. Got it. Put your hands together for your first regular tonight. We have two people that do a brand new 60 seconds every single week, other than the Versi triplets. Your first regular, you know or you love,
Starting point is 01:21:50 are the always nervous stylings of Melissa Esslinger. I see being a millennial more of a disorder than a generation. Because... Oh, fuck. a millennial more of a disorder than a generation? Because I would call if it were a disorder, I would call it lazy, loud asshole, zebra, YOLO.
Starting point is 01:22:18 We're just as fucked up as every generation before us, except we had the internet. Yeah, I'm grounded so now I get to watch porn and talk to strangers all day. Oh, no. Shit, I haven't done that in a while. I did have a therapist growing up.
Starting point is 01:22:39 Her name was AOL Instant Messenger, and she taught me not to use all caps unless I'm yelling. My dad had to, if he wanted to skip school, he had to walk. But I could just call an Uber for six bucks. That's it. There you go, Melissa Esslinger. A lot of good stuff there.
Starting point is 01:23:04 Would have been the set of the night had you not constantly self-destructed three, four, five times in a 45 second long set. Oh fuck, did that again. Shouldn't have done that. Oh fuck, what did I say that? In 45 seconds you managed to
Starting point is 01:23:19 have exactly as many punchlines as you had meltdowns. But the stuff that's working is fucking working. And again, what's crazy about you that I think is different than sort of like a lot of our original regulars, you're writing stuff that for you is evergreen, and it works, and you're likable. And the 45 seconds that I saw tonight of actual jokes was great.
Starting point is 01:23:45 And it's not no fat on it. It's just straight boom, boom. Here's the question that I have. Do you always write your set on your hand or do you not always write? And can I tell you why and I could tell that you haven't done it in a long time and you want to know why you looked at your set on your hand? Because you
Starting point is 01:24:02 had your fucking set on your hand. It's the most common thing that these idiots that don't want to grow do. Oh, I'm going to take my fucking paper. And then you look at the paper. If you have those people that do monologues, if you have a teleprompter, you're going to fucking read the teleprompter. You do this, you're going to do that. If you set yourself
Starting point is 01:24:18 up for that, that's how you're going to do it. So lose the fucking set list. I mean, you're only doing it in minutes. You have to train your memory to be able to do this. I haven't done it in a long time. I shouldn't have done it. But my point is this, is that the moment where you decided where you're going to look at your set was when you wrote it on your hand.
Starting point is 01:24:34 It wasn't in the middle of the set. You're saying that it was in the middle of your set, but it wasn't. You knew you were going to look at that set list when you wrote it on your hand. I already decided that I couldn't do it without writing it on my hand by writing it on my hand. I don't know what you're saying. What? That made perfect sense. I didn't mean to.
Starting point is 01:24:48 But we have to move on. Sorry, we're running so late right now. Melissa, I love that set. Great stuff. I just want you to learn to stop writing it on your hand and writing notes. I think that you can fucking memorize a minute.
Starting point is 01:24:59 I really believe it. Did you just get pulled out of a river? Ouch. I think your jokes are funny. That is so fucking funny. I think your jokes are funny. We have absolutely got to move on. There she is, Melissa Esslinger, everybody. Melissa Esslinger.
Starting point is 01:25:15 You're one and only on the regular. You know her. You love her. New Minute every single week. The great and powerful Vanessa Johnston, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Shut up. Wrong show, asshole.
Starting point is 01:25:39 Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Vanessa Johnston. Here you go. I think he was actually being nice. Okay, but that's for Vanessa Johnston. Here you go. I think he was actually being nice. Okay, but that's okay. Thank you. I don't like to seem like I hate everyone and everything, but I do,
Starting point is 01:25:55 so it comes off that way. Some people don't believe in heroes, but they haven't met my dad. I love him because he hates everyone. He doesn't even like me. He's the best. People are too uptight, man. Like, they think they're so important and that they're so busy.
Starting point is 01:26:18 Like, you don't do anything. You're going to die. Nothing matters. That's what my dad would tell me when he dropped me off at preschool. He's so honest. My dad would talk to me at night and tell me, Vanessa, someday I'm going to divorce your mother. I can't right now because she'll take half my money.
Starting point is 01:26:44 The good news is that your mom's health's not very good, so I'm hoping she'll die soon. Vanessa Johnston. Fuck yeah. Guys, thoughts on Vanessa Johnston. Are you from New York? No, I'm from Minnesota. Oh, because you have like a New York,
Starting point is 01:27:04 or was that just your dad impression, or do you actually sound like you have a New? No, I'm from Minnesota. Oh, because you have like a New York or were you just, was that just your dad impression or do you actually sound like you have a New York accent? I don't know. Because it's weird because you talk like Trump and look like one of his wives. It's a very weird combination of things. Oh man, I just got another phone call.
Starting point is 01:27:20 No, but the dad shit's really strong. I really like that. I thought that was well written and it had a good twist in it. I liked it. So, so, so awesome. Just like Melissa, that's another chunk of material that is so you and right in your vein
Starting point is 01:27:33 and that goes to the big set. That goes straight there. We are running so late. There's Vanessa Johnson, everybody. She's Vanessa Johnson. Melissa Esslinger. We did this episode of Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen.
Starting point is 01:27:45 The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt, who is selling. He's the house artist, and he is selling the official Kill Tony poster after the show on the front patio. That's tonight's episode. Jesse Joyce, Byron Bowers, anything coming up you guys want to promote? Whatever. I'm going to be in Athens in June at the 40 Watt. Athens, Georgia? Yep, Athens, Georgia the 40 Watt. Athens, Georgia?
Starting point is 01:28:05 Yep. Athens, Georgia, 40 Watt. Me and Hannibal Buress. And I'm around town. Oh, yeah. I'm at the comic strip in Edmonton and the House of Comedy
Starting point is 01:28:15 in Minneapolis. Love that. Reagan and Watkins, everybody. Make some fucking noise. Yeah. I love it. Come on. That's tonight's episode.
Starting point is 01:28:29 Thank you so much for coming out, everybody. See you guys. Bounce to the left, stuck a flag in my city Everybody screaming, cop the national party Run from there when I'm done, tell me I'm the center Put that on my mama and my buddy, boo 20 million walking out the car, bet it, woo I The time you know the next with the whole world Can't cook it, have it right I'm gonna cut the legs off Thanks for watching! you

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