KILL TONY - KILL TONY #156

Episode Date: May 29, 2016

Jeff Ross, Josh Martin, Jeremiah Watkins, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Joel Jimenez, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 05/09/2016 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. Don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Just search the iTunes store for Kill Tony, hit subscribe, and rate and review the show. Ryan J. Ebelt has the Kill Tony movie poster and every single print that he has painted and drawn at every single episode of Kill Tony. He has prints and posters. Everything can be found at ryanjebelt.com. Tony Hinchcliffe's website, tonyhinchcliffe.com, has all his tour dates and all his merchandise.

Don't forget to check out tonyhinchcliffe.com. He's got 1,000 different tour dates right now, so you have to go to his website to see where he will be next. And last but not least, don't forget to go to his website to see where he will be next and last but not least don't forget to go to shop squad.tv that's where all the death squad merchandise is and if you want to see any of our other tour dates death squad.tv click on tour dates and there you have everything that we do here at death squad not only are we in the main room now of uh the comedy every Monday for Kill Tony. That starts at 8 o'clock. We have Tuesday.

We have Roast Battle, which is a verbal violence podcast here at Death Squad. And then every first and third Friday, we are at the Ice House in Pasadena, California. Also, this is just added. I will be at Denver Comedy Works June 9th. So check out June 9th, Denver Comedy Works. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. It's the world's famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Get up for Tony and his crew. Fuck yeah.

Still nothing. Still nothing. Still nothing. Still nothing. Still nothing. Absolutely nothing is happening. Thank you. Hello. Hello. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live

from the Road Famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 3. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Yay. Professionals. Fuck yeah. Everybody's on another level already tonight proving that this is the

number one live podcast in the world. Put your hands together for yourselves for making it out. Believe it or not, I'm the host of the show, Tony. You know, I like it like that. Everybody does. Nice and quiet and super fucking weird.

At the part where you realize when you're announcing the name and you don't even hear yourself, what's the point of even... I knew what it was. See, we've been using the back mixer for Pat, so Josh forgot to turn up this mixer in the back. I shouldn't have wanted an explanation. Right, yeah.

Everybody, welcome to the show. One more time, let's see how loud we can get it for our people listening on Ustream. Make some noise Monday night. Yep, here we are. There we go. That's how the show starts. Welcome, everybody.

I'm very excited. For those of you watching on Ustream right now, if you live near Nashville, Tennessee, we're going to be there this Sunday, so that's for you guys. And a bunch of other fun stuff coming up, too, right? Yeah. Okay. I'm doing Kansas City, so if you're from there, I'm doing there first week of June. I'm in the Bellevue Parlor Live in Seattle, June 24th and 25th.

We're rescheduling at Kill Tony for somewhere near there soon. That clown place that we like, that was in Portland, right? Yeah. June 30th, July 1st, I'm in St. Louis for the very first time. And La Jolla, August 5th, 6th, 7th. 9th, I'm in Tulsa, Oklahoma. 10th, 13th, look at this. This is an announcement.

I'm at the Punchline Comedy Club headlining the 13th and 14th in San Francisco and the 15th and the 16th in Sacramento. And next week we're going to be in the main room of the Comedy Store doing Kill Tony. And October 8th, I'm in the main room of the Comedy Store doing Kill Tony. Yes. On October 8th I'm in Boston, Massachusetts at the Wilbur Theater. I have to promote these dates because I have to fill up these venues. It's very hard to do. Yeah, we're in the main room next week and that's going to be

epic. I'm warning you guys right now that it's going to be out of control. And I have a special super surprise for you guys. Tonight's episode will also be out of control. After 156 episodes, you are at the final belly room. Kill Tony.

Wow. That's actually pretty sad. We've evolved a lot. There used to be no Jamie Vernon on the HD camera. And there isn't tonight either. Ryan J. Ebelt is here. He draws every single episode. He has a blank sheet of paper in front of him right now. By the end

of the episode, that's going to be filled with tonight's episode. You have to see it to believe it. You can meet him and buy a Kill Tony poster after the show on the front patio. One more time for Ryan J. Ebelt, ladies and gentlemen. His work's on ryanjebelt.com. He's the artist of Kill Tony, and he sells

the official Kill Tony poster at ryan.E.Belt.com. This, however, is one of my favorite parts of the show. It has been, for those of you that have been listening for a long time, you know the last few months have been insane at our newfound chemistry with our new favorite fucking thing in the world. It's the band,

the one, the only, Reagan and Watkins, everybody. Here they are. They have lemonade. Oh, they're giving out lemonade to the audience. And they are pouring it in cups. That's very nice. Very low quality lemonade for those of you paying attention. It is Minute Maid.

Wow. It's very, I don't know if they thought this was going to happen quickly. Thank you. They could have pre-poured these and saved a few minutes of dead podcast air time.

Yeah. But, I mean, so far, fuck yeah. All right, Reagan and Watkins. Oh, that's not lemonade, by the way. Do not drink that. That's a terrible joke, guys. Yes. No mic on the band.

Yes. Wow. There it is. Holy shit. Yes, queen. great. Wow. There it is. Holy shit. Yes, queen. We're here. You know who the queen is, Jeremiah. Who's that?

Queen Tony. Oh, wow. I feel the burn on that one. These guys just came back with a couple cartons of Minute Maid lemonade. Only the finest for Kill Tony. Wait, what is this new character you guys are doing? Oh, my God, we saw Beyonce this weekend. Did anyone else see Beyonce this weekend?

Woo! Woo! Participation. Oh, yeah. Now, last week you guys came out to Rihanna's Umbrella, and you did a whole act out with that. I was on Twitter today and somebody said my mind was

blown that Tony thought that song was three years old and I made fun of you guys because I really thought it was about three, maybe four years old and I looked it up. Nine years old that song is. Queen, nine years. You guys think maybe there's a chance that in your unconscious

minds, like me making fun of you for doing such an old reference last week made you do something with a brand new reference that made almost zero sense whatsoever. Yes. What do you think, Tony? Silly question. Fuck yeah, baby. Yes. We've been on a run with about 12 of our best episodes of all time and I've been waiting for moments like this

to happen continuously from the start of the show. Who's ready for a clunker of a show? Fuck yeah. Snoop's ready. Sounds like Snoop's ready. This place isn't such a ruckus. I almost spilled my needless lemonade that I'm never going to touch.

Oh, which reminds me. When it comes to drinks that I don't want to spill, Adam Carolla's Mangria Wine Cocktail. Ready to drink. Original orange. Oh my God. This is the worst.

If we pull out of this, it's going to be unbelievable. This is just a hot tail spin Right from the get You know this is how a lot of plane crashes happen A lot of people get scared midway through the air When you feel a little turbulence Literally 95% of all plane crashes Fun fact

Happen on either the takeoff or the landing We're on the takeoff right now And not looking good I think a couple engines are blown out I think a couple engines are blown out. I think a couple of mines are already blown. I'll tell you that much. We are 0 for 11 on all jokes, including myself.

There has not really been a single real pop in this room yet tonight. There's been a lot of attempts on everybody's part so far. Really not one general overall consensus that any single thing's been funny. I don't know. Should we start over again? Maybe one more time? We've got more lemonade. We got more cups.

We got cups and lemonade. And there's a lot more Beyonce. Before we bring up tonight's guests, I do want to have this one interaction with you guys. I don't know if you noticed this yesterday, Pat, but I thought it was funny on my way over here. I thought about it. Last night a guy tweeted at me something, and I was, like, driving. Yeah, I was coming back from Irvine, and I'm, like, going over it.

But I saw something like, can you tell me what Pat Reagan's Twitter handle is? Because I want to tell him, you know, what a killer he is on the show is like what I saw. And I said, you know, I'm driving like I'm going like 80 on the freeway and I'm like at Patty Reagan. And I sent it to him, tagged his thing in it. Right. And then I see him tag both of us. And he goes, you know, at Tony Hinchcliffe, at Pat Reagan, Pat, I just want to let you know, you're the worst. You up. Don't ever talk during the show. You kill every episode. And it turns out

that what he was saying was that you killed the show. What I read was like, you kill on the show. He was saying that I killed the momentum, but I don't read those negative comments because I don't need negativity in my life, Tony. Oh, man. Can we undo the Beyonce thing? Is this possible? Maybe we should. I don't know negativity in my life, Tony. Oh, man. Can we undo the Beyonce thing?

Is this possible? Maybe we should. I don't know. Can you undo women empowerment? I don't know. I don't know. See, I like that part of the impression a lot. Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a lot of fun every single week. We're going to do it again. Are you guys ready to meet tonight's guest, ladies and gentlemen? Oh, boy. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. This was a weird one. I'm excited for all of you. He's one of my best friends, one of the funniest human beings in the world.

You know him. You love him. Ladies and gentlemen, it is the Roastmaster General, Jeffrey Ross. Ladies and gentlemen, he's here live in the flesh. You fuckers are done clapping? Are you serious? Good morning, everybody. You come to this room.

Tony. Yeah. Why are you yelling at them? They're a great crowd. I know. I know. I love them. Oh, wow. Look at this one.

Who's this guy doing his SATs over here? Is everything alright? Are you writing a suicide note? I think this is a great crowd. Hi, you guys. How about a hand for the band? Aren't they great? You're right.

Sometimes some sound issues throw me off, Jeff. And I go a little crazy right from the beginning. Because it seems like it's one of the easiest things to ever figure out in the entire world. The sound in the belly room is historically terrible. It's true. I wouldn't take it out on him.

I wouldn't worry about it. Sam Kinison's mother did the sound here. That's why he started screaming, actually. It's a famous room, the Belly Room. Yeah. There's ghosts here. Speaking of ghosts, Brian is here. This is one of the most historical rooms in comedy,

and a lot of people are talking because, ladies and gentlemen, Roast Battle, which Jeff is a huge part of. Every Tuesday. Every single Tuesday here in the Comedy Store Belly Room is going to Comedy Central. Yeah. Boom. Started right here.

Yeah. Just like us a few years ago. And we've been making Mondays and Tuesdays nuts here for three years. The Comedy Store is having a moment. Yeah. It's really wild.

Thanks to this Kill Tony. Brian, is everything all right? Yeah. Are you getting a window seat for your gig in town? No, I'm getting ready for the show. I'm doing like 20 things over here. Yeah, it's an exciting time. Tony, how's it going?

It's going good, man. Why don't you plug six more dates before the show starts? Well, I have to do it in the beginning. There you go. Yeah, blow the horse on that one. Good one, Brian. Yeah, no, I have to get it out there because I'm touring. I'm all grown up now, and I have to go. Yeah, blow the horse on that one. Good one, Brian. Yeah, no, I have to get it out there because I'm touring. I'm all grown up now, and I have to go.

You know who else is on tour? Beyonce. Beyonce is on tour now. Oh, I love Beyonce. Me too. Oh, us too. This is your first time on the show with the new band, right? Did you guys see Beyonce?

Yeah, we did. It was so good. Halfway through, I got my period. For the first time. did. So good. Halfway through, I got my period. For the first time. Jeff. So silly. So, Jeff, it's been a while since you've been on. Welcome back to the show. Great to be here, Tony.

Congratulations. I also want to mention that you have one of the coolest comedy specials that I've ever heard conceived coming out. We can talk about it, right? Of course. Your last special, you went to a federal prison and roasted prisoners. And this special, and it was epic

by the way. If you haven't seen it, get it on iTunes or ComedyCentral.com ASAP. Thank you. And now for his new special coming out, I believe, you know the release yet? But in a few months. Keep your eyes peeled. It is Jeff Ross roasts the Boston Police Department

live from Boston, Massachusetts. Little incest. Little father-son incest Little father son incest I never would have guessed The police officers would get that type of response But it got sexual You never spend time in Boston obviously By the way Tony will be at the Wilbur in October Yeah that's true.

October 8th. Some tickets still available. Yeah, like 500. Actually, like 700. Talk about a Boston cream pie. That was dirty. One could say that that joke was a Boston massacre. Nothing really.

The horse of truth. Or one could say it's joke was a Boston massacre. Nothing really. The horse of truth. Or one could say it's a Boston tea party. Oh, son of a bitch. Wow. You really just, I mean, we were just saying Boston over and over again. Boston. They say Boston. The cops in Boston Police Department, I roast the Boston cops.

So look for that. Yeah, it's another fun, Department, I roast the Boston cops, so look for that. Yeah, it's another fun, dangerous, exciting roast special. Thank you, pal. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. But for tonight, you had to start somewhere, and it was doing short sets in crazy rooms and hoping to get advice from cool comedians. So you ready to do this again, Jeff? I love it.

Audience, are you ready? Here we fucking go. The show begins now. Audience, you know how it works. Comedians, you also know how it works. Comedians get 60 seconds, and your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, isn't that cute? Here, let's make it a little louder.

60 seconds is up when you hear the... There it is, yeah. Wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. You get it? Huh? Do you get it? Don't run the light. Fuck yeah.

By the way, Tony... Tony once got hit on by the Hollywood Angry Bear It's true It's true Hit on from behind Yep Sorry, sorry Thank you, yes I pulled a name out of the bucket

This looks like a new name for sure I hope I say this right Bradless Felicity. Bradley's? Bradley's Somebody has terrible handwriting. You don't even deserve a spot

your handwriting so bad. Is there a Bradley in the room at all? Or anybody whose stage name starts with a Bradley? Yep. Well then you fucked up. Wow. Anybody whose stage name starts with a Bradley? She drives me crazy. Yep. Well, then you fucked up. Wow.

Pulled another name out of the bucket. The name is Trenton Favre. This is the only episode that I've ever wished. The guy's not here? Only time I've ever wished. The guy's not here? The guy's not here. What's his name?

Trevor Favre. Fuck you, Trevor. Where are you? That's right. Yeah. Yeah. This is your big break. You just handed it to some fucking are you? That's right. Yeah. Yeah. This was your big break. You just handed it to some fucking nudnik.

It's true. Stephen Holloman. Are you kidding me? Come on. You're pissing Pat and I off over here. What the fuck? What are you doing? Bunch of fucking assholes. Come on! You're pissing Pat and I off over here! What the fuck? What are you doing? Bunch of fucking assholes!

Come on! You idiots! Get your asses up here! Wait a second. The guy that's really two? What's that? I think they're scared to come up and they're here. Hey, this is Brian.

Come to your life from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 3. Get up for Tony Hedgcliffe. 2-2-1-2, baby. We are live. I am excited about tonight's episode. I feel like everything's going to go perfect.

Mangria! Ryan J. Ebel is here. Josh Martin comic. As always, batting 1,000 on the sound and the HD camera, we have one of the greatest musical powerhouses in all of comedy with us. It's Reagan and Watkins. Always ready. Always there when I say their name right away with no dead air time.

Keeping it consistent again this week. Hey, every week we have an unbelievable guest. How about this? The Roastmaster General Jeffrey Ross is here tonight. Look, I love Mangria. I think it's delicious, but can somebody please tell a waitress that I need a Crown and Coke ASAP? Really badly. Thank you, Josh, so much.

I mean, really on the fly. It's been a tradition where I eat during your podcast. It's true. Thank you for the sushi. Definitely. You got it. Sushi from Waukena. I don't mean to torture people. This is great. For those

of you listening to the show, you can check out my dates at TonyHinchcliffe.com. Jeff Ross has an unbelievable special coming up. We really restarted this. I'm not airing the first 15 minutes of this show. Why? It was great. Why? It's great. Okay, we're kidding. We'll leave it in.

All we can say is, bro, it's good to be here. It's good to be here, bro. I love these characters that you're doing this week. Good to be here, bro. What's up, bros? We just went to the Jay-Z concert. It was pretty dope. Oh, yeah. I love Jay-Z. Yeah. All right. Okay.

Ryan. Chillin'. What's up with you, Jeff? You mean Beyonce's husband? Yeah, Beyonce's husband. Oh, yeah. Chilling. What's up with you, Jeff? You mean Beyonce's husband? Yeah, Beyonce's husband. Oh, yeah. I've heard of him. Our girlfriends were out of town. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They were out of town? Yeah, they went to a concert. So now while you guys are out of town, you guys get together and go crazy? You guessed it. Comedians, you know how it works. You get 60 seconds. Your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Meow. Comedians, you know how it works. You get 60 seconds. Your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitty.

That means wrap it up then, or else we're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There you go. Yep, uh-huh. Yep, that's what happens if you do that. I pulled a name out of the bucket. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Your first comedian going up tonight goes by the name

of Jor-El Penastre. There he is. Woo! Oh my god! Oh! Fuck, is that what I look like? I can almost feel it They're the fucking worst, right? The worst. They deserve capital punishment. But what happens if a kid molests you?

What the fuck do you do? This is what happened to me, right? I was... My sister was laying down... My sister was... Allegedly, allegedly. My sister was babysitting a few kids from church And I was asleep in my room And they were digging into my basketball shorts

And I did the right thing By turning around and pretending nothing happened But that was the right thing to do Because I prefer ass play I felt like they knew what they were doing, you know? Allegedly. Fuck yeah, Jarrell Benastre. This is your first time on the show, right?

Second. Where are you from? Moreno Valley. Where? Moreno Valley. Where's that at? Close to Riverside. Gotcha.

How long have you been on stand-up? A few months now. What do you do for work? Target. Target. Whoa. What do you do there? Stock. Stock. How long have you been on stand-up? A few months now. What do you do for work? Target. Target. Whoa. What do you do there? Stock.

Stock unload. Is that a middle-of-the-nighttime job? Yeah. So what kind of shift are you working? Actually, it's 4 to 11 right now. 4 a.m. till 11 a.m.? Yeah. Wow.

There's a boycott on Target right now, so they don't give me much hours anymore. There's a boycott on Target, so what? They don't give me much hours anymore. There's a boycott on Target, so what? They don't give me any hours anymore. Really? Who's boycotting it? Christians. Whoa. Whoa. Do you know why

Christians are boycotting it? The gender-neutral restrooms. Oh, that you guys don't have gender-neutral? We have gender-neutral restrooms. That's why they're boycotting it. Oh, gotcha. Fuck yes. You don't have gender-neutral? We have gender-neutral restrooms. That's why they're boycotting us. Oh, gotcha. Which, so, fuck yes. You don't have to go to the ladies' room anymore. I need to go to the ladies' room.

I work in the freezer sometimes, so I get shrinkage. Which bathroom do you go to? Whichever one's free now. Like, whatever. It doesn't fucking matter. Whichever one's free. Yeah, dude, yeah. That's a pretty thin mustache

you're working on there I'm Asian it took me three months to grow this actually fuck yeah what do you do for fun when you're not working at Target right now I masturbate other than that hold the mic still

yo-yo. Yo-yo. I yo-yo a lot. You yo-yo? Yes! Get the fuck out of here. Really? Yeah, man. Do you have a yo-yo on you right now?

Yeah. Rock the dog. Rock the dog. Rock the dog. Why don't you show us some of your yo-yo tricks? Let's get some good yo-yo music, Brian. Brian, do you have any yo-yo music? One, two.

One, one, one. Dude, is that a Yo-Mega Fireball? One, one, one. One, two. All right, let's get a yo-yo intro. Oh, shit. Jarrell. Yo!

Damn, Jarrell Benastre Wow Jarrell, we found something that you're good at Hey ladies Imagine what he can do with your pussy Fuck yeah Good point imagine what he can do with your pussy fuck yeah good point

he can walk the dog and eat it what do you call those do those tricks have names that you did can you sort of describe it verbally what you just did underwear basket weaving is what the trick is called basket weaving

I don't know what stoners name these Underwater basket weaving is what the trick is called. Basket weaving? I don't know what stoners name these yo-yo tricks. You don't even know the names of them. They should call it a kickflip or something. Dude, I can rock the cradle. Can you really? Whoa. Jarrell, can you play the saxophone?

Neither can Jeremiah oh here he is it's definitely a cradle alright alright in one of the worst moves in podcast history we have turned this into some kind of yo-yo show and tell. For those of you listening to the show, I just want to let you know. Oh, dude!

Slow doggy dog. Fuck yeah. Jeremiah Watkins. Rocking the cradle. I lost my virginity to that song, by the way. I was molested by a mariachi man. As sperm. Jarrell, do you come from a big family?

No. No. Just one sister. Just one sister. Just one sister. What do your parents do for work? My dad works at a vet, and my stepmom's a nurse. Ah. Mexican vet, huh?

Filipino. Filipino vet. Oh, that makes sense. This way the fucking dogs that die come home for dinner. You know what I'm saying? Nah, dude. It's too salty. You don't like it.

All right. Jarell, do you do a lot of spots? Do you work at it a lot? No, not lately. I've been depressed. Oh, what are you depressed about? My girlfriend broke up with me. Oh, really?

Why do you think that happened? I don't fucking know, to be honest. How long were you with her? Quit playing with your yo-yo and pay attention to me. Quit playing your yo-yo for six hours today. You keep playing with that thing. Look at me. I haven't eaten dinner. Are you kidding me? paying attention to me. You've been playing your yo-yo for six hours today. You keep playing with that thing. Look at me. I haven't eaten dinner.

Are you kidding me? Oh, my God. You are so selfish. Walk the real dog. Yeah. She's salty. She's salty. I remember back when we used to rock the cradle.

Fucking Jarrell. How long did you date? How long were you with her? Almost four years. What's the thing you disliked the most about her? Nothing. Everything was perfect. Oh, jeez. This guy is depressing. Do you think it's the mustache?

Mustache? You okay, Jarrell? You okay? Yeah, I'm fine. All right. Well, you know what? You're a good looking guy. You seem very positive even while you're depressed. You have a big smile on your face. You're having fun. You're taking jokes. You're killing it on the yo-yo. So I'll bet you anything, a stud like you, if you just keep, you know, go outside of nightclubs at night. You know what I mean? You ever think about going outside of nightclubs when all the drunk girls are coming out

and just standing there doing some yo-yo tricks? Maybe bring a little strobe light along with you, a little Bluetooth, play some music. There's going to be some chick. I'd go stand outside at every Beyonce concert if I was you and as those girls roll out they're gonna fall right into your arms you're an easy target

and you work there too so you know Jeff any advice for any advice for our friend getting into the game what's your last name how long have you been doing comedy?

Just a couple months. You know what? You have a very gentle, nice delivery. You know, your material is kind of funny. It's not really finished yet. There's some funny ideas in there. But you're relaxed, and you're a very natural sort of person. You can yo-yo, so you're not afraid of crowds and performing.

That's true. I would stick with it. Thanks, man. You had fun tonight. Jorrell Benastre. And by the way, now that you're depressed, you should be writing because that's when all the funny shit's going to happen.

There he goes, Jorrell Benastre. He's on Twitter at Jorrell underscore Benastre. J-O-R-R-E-L B-E-N-A-S-F-R-E something like that. These people have the worst handwriting. You guys take a moment and really print your name nice and slow. You'll get your name said right and shit.

You know that, right? It's a whole thing. Like this one, for example. Oh, I think I actually know this. German Seedhe? Maybe? Motherfucker. This is a weird night.

I bet you will be. Are you using last week's bucket bag? Zachary Stein, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Thank you. My mom is a racist, and that's hard on me, you know, because I'm like anti-racism, which I know is a very courageous stance to take. And I know some of you might not want to laugh at that,

because you're like, oh, an old white racist, that's the worst thing there is. But don't worry, my mom's an Arab, so you're fine. But then you might be thinking, oh, an Arab racist. Aren't all Arabs racist? And that's a good point, they are. But my mom's different. My mom is a white racist in an Arab woman's body. She loves white people, hates other Arabs. It's amazing.

She's like the Jackie Robinson of white racism. Like, she's coming for your spot, and she's better than you. My mom's like the Jackie Robinson of hating Jackie Robinson. You also might have noticed I don't look very half Arab. There's a good reason for that. I had a surrogate mother.

The official reason for that was my mom was getting up there in years. If she had a baby, there's an increased chance of me being born stupid or something. But I don't buy that for a second. I just think she didn't want any. Whoa, whoa. Jeez, that bear came out really quick that time. So did something else, Tony. By the way, nice boner.

Brian seems to think you have a boner. Fully flaccid. There's a lot of junk in that trunk. Yeah, I mean. I got, I'm okay there. I want, Zachary, first of all, good set. Put your hands together for Zachary, everybody. I want to congratulate you all these years on never shooting your eye out.

Like so many people thought you were going to. So many people told you that that could happen. You ever do a joke about that before? No, a lot of people introducing me have, so stay away from it. Oh, yikes. Really? They introduce you as the guy that looks like they got their eyes shot out? Wow.

A lot of hacks are bringing you up. How do you eat mashed potatoes? Zachary, where are you from? Detroit. Where? Detroit area. How long have you been in LA? Since October.

Oh, okay. That's nice. Been doing a lot of work? Yeah. Or free, but yeah. Right. What do you do for a living? I manage a hair salon

In Santa Monica Oh shit Very cool Fuck yeah How do you get in that game? How does that work? I'll tell you how He's got a huge dick

It really is It really is Out of all the things That you podcast listeners Haven't been able to see tonight Including the great Yo-yo disaster of 2016.

I just Instagram it. It really is. It's pretty unbelievable. Is there anything in there other than your dick? Just my dick. Is it as big as it seems? No, it's girthy. It's big.

It's very, it's girthy. It's big. It's got a... Wow. It's very interesting. Yeah. But I like, as a late bloomer, I had like a small cock forever. Yeah. And I like had to grow up with that. And then I was like ugly duckling thing, you know?

This is so fucking funny to me. I love your honesty. Got a smile. Like how old were you? How long? How old were you when your dick started getting bigger? Like 19. 19?

So you're 19. You have this little dick. You're like, man. You're 19. Your dick's 12. Yeah. And then you wake up and... I actually developed, like, a small penis humiliation fetish when it was small.

Wow, what does that even mean? it's like when you're into women making fun of the size of your cock and then right when you got into having a small dick your dick's like fuck this we're blowing up nothing works out for me I love that

how does that happen? did your dick just start eating your side dishes at dinner or something like that like have you ever thought about not tucking your shirt in if you have such a huge goth girthy dick i don't know what that would benefit so you like it when people see it it's pretty blatant like it's pretty unbelievable i'm deleting these photos off my phone right now. Do we have a guy with a boner on stage right now? Yeah.

Are you? 100% flaccid. Do you get a lot of pussy working at this hair salon? I don't care that much about fucking. I'll just get a prostitute if I want to fuck really bad. I do okay. If I really want to fuck someone, I can generally make it work out for myself.

Yeah. You got to talk about this dick on stage. Do you? Totally. You do? I got three minutes on it. Three minutes on it. You should get seven to ten.

If I could get that time out, here I would. You can in the back. Oh, cool. Zachary, tell us something else interesting about you. Who cares? Fucking Milton Berle's nephew up here. And for people who are just listening to this, this isn't like some dude in sweatpants.

This guy's wearing normal pants. Yeah. Like jeans. He looks like he could be like Drew Carey with leukemia. But younger. He's just a normal guy. He's not like a freak or anything. He's just a...

Yeah, you seem like a young professional that just has an outrageous dick. This guy's a freak. Yeah, you have to be a freak. Some real Fifty Shades of Grey shit going on, right? Oh, yeah, and I'm like, yeah, fucking... What's some other crazy shit that you're into sexually? I mean, obviously you get turned on

performing in the belly room. You know, I like a good hit in the face during. Wait, you like to get hit in the face? Like punched or something? Like a fist. Fucking fist. Do you like to be choked? Yeah, of course.

Wow. Of course. Silly question, Red Band. What a great answer Of course Have you seen my dick through my pants? Do you have any outfits That unzip through around the mouth?

Not yet What's one of the craziest things That you've ever had happen to you? Sexually If getting punched in the face Is what you ask for And getting choked isn't, of course, then what's the point where you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa?

My first time ever with a prostitute, I didn't know what I was doing. I had to Google phone numbers and stuff to figure out if it's legit, which is, if you don't know, you should do that. But have you noticed that there's been a lot of false results on Google lately? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, all right. Nobody can relate to your guys' prostitute issues.

Keep going with your story, Zachary. Please keep going. Welcome to Edward Crosstalk with Red Band in the Sky. Yeah, let's not. She was right in Detroit. The picture was this beautiful black woman. I was so excited. As they are.

Had you been with a beautiful black woman before? I had been with a not beautiful black woman. I was so excited. As they are. Had you been with a beautiful black woman before? I had been with a not beautiful black woman before. What's funny is you're a white guy and you hook up with these black women and they see your dick and they're like oh shit. You know what I mean?

I had a stripper when I i was getting a lap down she like like grabbed me down there she was like but you're white it was the weirdest thing but you're white uh so what happened with the first beautiful black prostitute it was i mean she looked like maybe that was her before like heroin and crack or something and then like she was just really busted out and it was like There were two people in there. She's like, let's go in this room. It's a motel, but it's still just a mattress on a floor.

It's very springy. She's like, do you want the front or the back? Which I didn't even do. The front or the back? The pussy or the back pussy. Wait, I don't get it. I don't get it. I'm confused.

China or asshole. Did you take a look at the asshole? Did it look like crumb cake or anything? Well, I had never done anal because women aren't often very willing. Women aren't often very willing. Yeah, because I have a big cock. Can we do it?

Can we do a poll? All of these loaded at once I was like I'll take that have we done that can we do a poll to see who wants to keep listening no I definitely do are you kidding me this is incredible so

wait so she says do you want the front or the back and you say the back because you haven't done that before and it was like I ended up switching to the front or the back, and you say the back because you haven't done that before. Yeah, never. I ended up switching to the front because the back was the most cavernous thing I've ever been inside of. She does. We're talking about...

Obviously you haven't been paying much attention here. You're telling me that you put it in her butt, and it was so cavernous. It was your word. So you're saying that her butt was so loose that you're like, you know what? Her ass is so loose.

I gotta try this vagina out. It was tighter than her butt. Her vagina was tighter than her butt. There was stalactites, stalagmites, bats. All kinds of creatures. I went spelunking in that butthole. It was quite gross. I lost myself, actually. My whole body actually went inside that butthole. It was quite gross. I lost myself, actually.

My whole body actually went inside the butthole for a little bit. I can't, and with your dick, I can't imagine how loose this asshole must be. Thank you, Pat. So, I mean, just the timing of just, alright, so

we still haven't gotten to the crazy part of this story that's what's nuts right i finished with her i got out and then there's just this big fucking like six foot six black dude in the next room like just staring me down as i leave and it's and she just gave him like a head nod like okay and i left but like i i probably could have gotten murdered or robbed or something how long was he in the room i have have no idea. He wasn't there when I got there. It was like in the adjacent room that I walked through to get into the room. And I come out and there's this big fucking menacing looking dude.

He came out of her ass. Wow. So the six foot six black guy. Yeah. And that was it. You just walked by him. I just walked out6 black guy. Yeah. And that was it. You just walked by him. And I just fucking walked out and hope nothing happened to me.

I didn't look back and just fucking got right to the car. I mean, had he punched you in the face, you probably would have came again anyway, right? Yeah. That might be one of the most racist sound effects ever. Is that your black guy sound effect? Jeff, what do you think about Zachary's thing? I have a question for you. Do you need an opener? Let's go on the road.

We'll have some fun. Yeah. With your dick and my act, we're going to go. I love that. Anyway, my advice to you would be to keep on doing it. Use a little bit of that, I don't know, whatever you want to call it inside you, your sexuality. Use it a little bit in your humor.

Slow that shit down. You had some good ideas, but you're flying through them in a way. I know you only have a couple minutes, but use your confidence that you use in private. Use it a little bit on the audience. And really, if your dick is like that all the time, put it up in the flip cage underneath your belt because we're all just staring at your dick.

You're totally head length to your dick. That's distracting, right? I disagree. I say you keep David Bowie-ing that shit and just fucking stuff it and forget it and rock it. Stein, so you're Jewish? Yeah. Wow, that is just a double conundrum there.

I mean, you know those Jews are known for their massive penises. 100% Hebrew national culture. Yeah, baby. There he goes, everyone. Zachary Stein. He's on twitter at hack underscore stein s-t-e-i-n

interesting people Tony yeah it is interesting imagine the people that missed their spot imagine the people that didn't show up that are like where's the room again this guy just uses his dick as a compass. This looks like another new name.

Put your hands together for Bill Ross, everybody. Bill Ross. Pretty well known that women on average make less than men. I wonder how many transgenders transitioning from male to female will stop because they don't want to take the pay cut. Feel sorry for gay homeless people because they don't have a closet to come out of. Got kicked out of a strip bar for giving the girls counterfeit dollar bills. Told them what's the big deal?

The tits are fake. Some friends of mine just found out they're having an unplanned pregnancy, so now they're out shopping for dumpsters. While ago, I got into debt real heavily, had to borrow some money, and I saw this ad. You've probably seen it. They said, bad credit, no credit, no problem.

Well, three months later, apparently, there was a problem. They seemed really surprised I couldn't pay. I'm like, you knew my history. Like, what the hell were you thinking, loaning me money? Then thankfully, I got a letter from them the other day that said, final notice. So I'm just glad that's over. If someone in Texas sent a message to someone in Mexico, it would be a Tex-Mex text message.

Fuck yeah. Bill Ross. Wow. Holy shit. Thank you. Bill, you are so fucking cool. Step up to the mic. Let me talk to you for a second. How long have you been doing stand-up?

18 years. 18 years. Those are some unbelievable jokes. So great. Where have you been doing it at? I'm originally from Cleveland, Ohio. I did radio for a long time. A lot of Ohio people here, including Red Band and I.

In fact, he is friends with my cousin, Josh Robert Thompson. Oh, fuck yeah. I just had him on a show a couple of days ago. I did radio for 10 years, worked all over the country. Then I went to a comedy club in Virginia Beach. I lived in Virginia Beach

the past 20 years. And I went to a comedy club and a friend of mine that I waited tables with was up on stage. I'm like, what are you doing? How can I try it?

So I went up the next week, started doing it, and three months later became an MC and I've been doing all through the road, everything. That's so cool.

Just moved here like two and a half months ago. And you do a bunch of killer one-liners like that, huh? If anybody has a pet-friendly room to rent, I'm an emcee, and I've been doing the road, everything. That's so cool. I just moved here like two and a half months ago. And you do a bunch of killer one-liners like that, huh? If anybody has a pet-friendly room to rent, I'm looking. There you go. So are all those other people that are here. How do you feel about loners with huge cocks? You know what the hell?

Watch it, Jeff. Watch it, Jeff. Bill, so you've been doing Stand up for 18 years You've just moved here Two months ago Yeah Biggest show I ever did

I've opened for Brad Garrett In front of a 650 theater Opened for Jimmy Walker That's cool Worked with Mike Birbiglia Nice Nice What made you move out here

Did you do comedy Actually I came out here About a year ago To visit a couple friends of mine A friend of mine Lives in Orange County Another friend lives in Hollywood Does Voices And I came out here about a year ago to visit a couple friends of mine. A friend of mine lives in Orange County. Another friend lives in Hollywood, does Voices. And I came out for a vacation, and before I left, they're like, Bill, why don't you move out here?

You're single. You have no kids. You have no responsibility. Come on out here. If you don't like it, you can always move back. So I was like, what the hell? So I sold all my furniture, put my dog in the car, and drove across the country. That's great. I love that. I love that. Are you having fun so far? Yeah, love it. When they draw your name, it's okay.

Where else do you get on? Are you getting on every night? I auditioned at Flappers and I've gotten on there and I'm in their system and I've been coming here a few times. It's like the second time I've been here. I've been doing some of the other open mics around town. So this is what you're out here to do. It's your main passion.

You're all by yourself, just you and the dog. Yeah. What kind of dog? It's a beagle mix. What's his name? Hobo. Four years ago, my neighbors found him in a parking lot, and they brought him into the neighborhood.

And for two years, or for two hours, everyone was trying to get him to come to them. He wouldn't go to anybody. So then I came home from work and put my hand out. He came right to me, looked at my hand, curled up in my lap. I went to a vet and he had heartworm, Lyme disease and a tick and didn't know anything. So I rehabilitated him.

That is exactly what I did with Pat Reagan, by the way. Same exact story. I'm hanging out in a parking lot one day. I was just a little creature. But Hobo is potty trained, unlike Pat Reagan. Still has heartworm. Don't talk to my friend like that.

Bill, so that is so cool. It seems like you must be having a lot of fun with life right now. Yeah. What did you do for work? How did you save money? What did you wait at? I'm working at Black Angus on Corbin Avenue in Northridge right now.

I worked in Virginia Beach. I waited tables at this seafood restaurant for eight years. I bet you're a great fucking waiter. I get in trouble a lot. I can just tell. I get in trouble a lot. Do you make jokes while you're waiting tables? Yeah, people are rude or something.

I just say it. Everyone's afraid to say it. You're right. I had an interracial couple one time, and I go, hey, once you go black, they go, you never go back? I go, no, your credit gets fucked up. They laugh.

Welcome to Olive Garden. They laugh. And that was at a Black Angus. No, that was at a... It's probably at a, let's face it, a Red Lobster. That was at a Black Angus. No, that was at a... It's probably at a, let's face it, a Red Lobster. That always happens, yeah. I always tell people, customers, they say something to me, they'll go, are you a real good waiter?

I'll be real serious. They'll go, I'm just glad to be out of prison. You're not one of those wacky waiters that won't shut up, though. It comes to the table telling all their jokes, and you're like, please just leave me alone. I try to read the guest. I love that. Bill, tell us something else exciting about you. You have a huge, huge

oversized cock or anything like that? Anything crazy about you? Any weird talents? You have a yo-yo on you? I used to do... That is crazy. In 1990, I was on ABC's America's Funniest People, won $2,000, 1860 after taxes. Wow, what'd you do? What'd you do?

I did impressions. I used to do a bunch of impressions. Now they're so old, younger people probably don't know who they are. That's a weird track. What was your killer, go-to impression? Casey Kasem. Oh, I love Casey. Oh, wow.

Will you do it? Wait, can I set you up? Can I set you up? All right. Well, hi again, everyone. I'm Casey, and we're coming to you from Hollywood. I've got a letter. A listener writes, Dear Casey, I'm a voluptuous blue-eyed blonde, stacked to the max, and

would love to get down on my knees. Oops, wrong letter. Wow. No wonder you know Josh Robert Thompson. Jesus. That's so cool, Bill. Let's have some more. Some more, please.

If Marge and I like to take part in this, and Maggie comes to the comedy store, don't I want a donut? Very good, Bill. Oh, wow. Brian has a mediocre Marge that he's trying to shove into it. Maggie, stop sucking on Homer's dick. There you go.

There you go. Oh, Marge, you had to go dirty, didn't you? No. All right, guys. Oh, homie. Well, Bill, you're fucking hilarious. Congratulations on this new life that you're living. You left everybody behind.

You're in a new city. You and the dog. Hobo's having the time of his life, I'm sure. It's a lot more fun out here than Virginia Beach. We're hitting a lot of dog parks. Would you like to do the Ice House Friday Desk Squad Show, 10 o'clock? Yes. Boom. Then you're booked.

Hey. That's the Ohio State Buckeye theme song there. Bill Russ, we're going to see you at the Ice House. You're going to do a real big spot at the oldest comedy club in the world on Friday night. Thank you very much. Thank you. There you go. Congratulations. It's because of you, people.

It's because of you, Bill. There he goes. Bill Russ, ladies and gentlemen. He's on Twitter at the Bill Russ. All right, the gig's canceled on Friday. Get out of here. He's on Twitter at the Bill Russ. You can catch him at the Ice House Friday night, the Death Squad show.

That's exciting. Love those cool stories, man. Love it when people just go and chase the dream. I mean, I hear that, though, and I'm like, it's so, open mics are so tough out here to go back to mics. But you're good in the clubs, I guess. You've been doing it.

What the fuck? There you go. There you go. Thanks, Pat. Thanks for opening up That was beautiful For those of you that missed it How about a hand for Pat and Jeremiah everybody

And this guy, the drummer guy too Pat acknowledging that open mics are tough Pretty much at the same time sealing the fact that he will be at open mics forever. They're worse than tough. It's cruel. It's unbelievable. It's impossible to practice three minutes at a time

maybe not even go up 60 people. We're at a time where there's more people than ever doing comedy. All these veterans come out and move out. I'm pretty much in it you know I've been in this fucking grind for a bit anyways nobody cares that's it all right no you're right open mics are very hard you remember your open mic days Jeff what was that like anything crazy you remember from those every night was crazy every night was like glory or death it was

heartbreaking the ye olde triple n on 54th Street in Manhattan. They had like a juggler went on right before me. You could do whatever you wanted. It was that kind of open mic, and they had an accordion player that accompanied you. It was surreal. But anyway, I was bombing, and then there was two Navy guys in the front row my very first time. And they started heckling me, and I made fun of their outfits because they had a mustard stain on their Navy whites. And I like I liked it.

It was scary, but that was a good one. The next 20 were terrible. You know, I thought it's something I wonder if all those people that didn't show up were just scared to be on the show because Jeff's on the show. Now, I've been so nice. I know. You didn't even let me take a crack at that guy. Really? Yeah, I didn't. let me take a crack at that guy. Really? Yeah.

I didn't? Uh-uh. Bill, you want to come back up here and get roasted by the Roastmaster General? No, come on. It's not fair. Yeah, where have you been, Jeff? You've been like the Ghostmaster up here. Whoa.

We'll see him at the ice house I pulled another name out of the bucket Kirsten Alberts ladies and gentlemen Kirsten Alberts So things haven't been going so great for me lately I've been trying to generate some good karma by paying it forward. So instead of putting money in people's expired parking meters,

I just wait and take the parking tickets off their cars. That way they have a good day. But I do like helping people. I give money to the homeless, but only to women, because I don't have to pay them as much. Just... I don't know. I've always struggled with having a realistic body image.

Like, I always wanted a body like Barbie. So I cut my nipples off and sewed my pussy shut and now I'm beautiful so beautiful my boyfriend is a huge Star Wars nerd he loves Star Wars so I decided I'm going to surprise him tonight with some sexy role playing it's going to be Princess Leia from The Waste Up and Chewbacca from The Waste Down.

Kirsten Alberts. Another very funny comedian. First time on the show, right? Yes. Welcome. Thank you. Thank you for having me. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it five years. Where at? I started in Phoenix and I just moved out here a year ago,

so I've just been kind of doing a bunch of open mics. That's cool. Yeah, I've done a couple book shows, but not too many. Very funny. Yeah, thanks. You do a lot of spots, like a lot of open mics? I kind of stick to just doing, like I do the haha a lot like i just i run new material there and i try and work it there and then try to get like on booked shows to do the material i don't

know what do you do for a living um i process health insurance claims uh during the day i work from home yeah the party started with your insurance claims, everybody. It's not very exciting. Do you write jokes at work when you're bored? Yeah, yeah, I do. I write them down and I post them on Twitter and stuff while I'm working. Sometimes I sleep while I work. Your Twitter handle here says, Dirty Hippie Comic.

Is that true? Are you really a dirty hippie? You smell Chewbacca downstairs. I don't know. Yeah. here says, dirty hippie comic. Is that true? Are you really a dirty hippie? Chewbacca downstairs. I don't know. Yeah. My hair looks good because I just got it done today, but I shower like once a week. I can't imagine what it looks like yesterday. Girl.

I know. I gotta work on it. I know. Shower once a week? Why do you think that is? I just can't get myself to do it. It's just a lot of work. Do you really have a boyfriend? I do. I mean, he doesn't care he's like eating crumb cake?

No, he doesn't care. How many crumb cake references are you going to make tonight? What did you do, have a crumb cake on the way here? No, he's 45, so he's happy to have me. 45. Wow, what does he do for work? He does a bunch of different stuff. He does contract work, and then he also promotes comedy shows and stuff, still in Arizona.

But he does it online. Oh, he's still in Arizona? No, he's not in Arizona. He does the promotions for Arizona shows. Oh, gotcha. So you guys moved out here together a year ago? Yeah. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. So let's get back to the showering thing for

a second. Come on. It's something that I've never... That is weird. It's something that I've never understood because I can't even start my day without a shower. Like, just like coffee and everything else, it's something that I absolutely need to start the day. But didn't you date little Esther for like three years?

No. She's like the dirtiest girl. No, I didn't. Nothing that you just said is true, Brian. Anyway. Wow. We've found Tony's weak spot, everybody. You said I dated her for three years.

We dated for 11 months, and it was literally eight years ago, for those of you keeping track. Brian Redbeck. She never took a shower. She pooped on the floor in the kitchen. Every single day. The stuff that you're talking about is just all funny stories that we've told.

Did her downstairs look like crumb cake? Redbeck, you my boy! Oh God. Oh, God. Oh, dear Lord. Where are we? What was that? That homeless joke was really funny.

Thank you. Am I using the right mic? Because I don't feel like I can hear you. Can we get him any more volume? Yeah, it's on full blast right now. Okay. Is it on full blast? Yeah, before it starts going...

Can you guys hear me in the back? It's just not loud at all. We're here every single week. Is Josh here? Josh Martin? How about this one? That's much better. Whatever that is, that's where we need it. It's really, really high.

We needed it really, really high. Kirsten, tell us something else interesting about you. I love Harry Potter. I've read the books like seven times. Wow. All that time you could have been showering. I know. And you're just sitting there reading books, flipping pages.

Yeah. Do you think it would help you if they made waterproof books? Maybe, actually. What is the part? Just explain to me concisely in some way, what is it that you hate about showering? You're saying that it's work, but it doesn't seem like work at all to, like, rub your body with soap.

Well, I don't know. Yeah, it's just you've got You gotta exfoliate and then you gotta shave Yeah but you also have to clean your butthole You know like after a couple days You're leaving stains on chairs I shower if I have to impress somebody But if there's like You guys aren't gonna see me later you don't care

People at work probably care I work from home I work by myself in a chair. The chair has to smell. I know. A stink bomb of a chair. What's the longest you've gone without showering?

Maybe like a week and a half. But it's like, I'm sorry. It's like a little bit of depression. But mostly I just don't care. Yeah. If I have to be in close proximity with somebody, I'll shower.

Let me ask you this. You don't have to answer if you don't want to. Your boyfriend who's 45, he goes down on you and you let him? No, I make sure I shower if we do sex stuff. Well, how do you know you're going to do sex stuff? Which isn't that often. Oh, I see. He'll text her. He's like, hey know you're going to do sex stuff? Which isn't that often. Oh, I see.

He'll text her. He's like, hey, my wife's out of town. I'll see you on Saturday. Could you please, for the love of God, shower? All right. Exfoliate, shave. It's back on! He's like, what's for dinner?

Soap and water? Oh, man. The sorting hat would put her in the bathtub. Soap. Oh man The sorting hat would put her in the bathtub So sort of going back to this Twitter handle Which again is dirty hippie comic I get the comic I get the dirty What makes you a hippie?

I just like want peace. Peace? It seems like you're not even quite sure that you want peace. You could turn villain any second. She looked up the Wikipedia definition for hippie and it said, I want peace. And not bathing.

How long has it been since you've taken a shower right now? Yeah, what are we at right now if you had to guess? Can Jeremiah smell? I showered last Wednesday. Whoa. What? Oh, Jesus Christ.

Can I smell you? No. Come on. Come on. No. It's the Roastmaster General. Let him smell you. No.

It's okay. No. Believe me. No means no when it comes to fucking... Come on, don't put up a stink about it. Just let him... She showers once a week,

and that's Gash Wednesday. Jesus. Oh! What? You didn't come out my boy? I love how you guys defend each other. Oh, shit. Well, that is an interesting thing. Do you have jokes about it?

Do you ever talk about it? Oh, okay. Yeah, I do. Very cool. How much material do you think you have overall? Because those are some really great jokes you have. And how much is it stained with poop from not washing your butt? All right.

Butthole, butthole, butthole. Poopy, poopy, poopy, Brian. There we go. Hashtag crumb cake. So if somebody goes to see your stand-up show and afterwards they say she really stunk up the joint, they mean you're not offended? No, it doesn't offend me.

No. All right, well, it's good to have goals. Do you have anything? I'm not showering. That's my thing. That's my hook. Yeah, that's my thing that's my hook yeah that's that's my my marketing

you are one of the dirtiest comics really really filthy material and that's just what you're wearing I'm sorry if I've grossed you guys out

you were great I love that homeless joke absolutely great it's always so relieving to find a great joke writer thank you

on this show thanks for having me on I feel like you're going to be a great joke writer on this show. Thanks for having me on. I feel like you're going to be a big star one day. I can imagine Jimmy Fallon holding his nose while talking to you. That's the dream. You found your lane. You found your lane. It happens to be outside, but down the street.

Hopefully you get booked for Fallon on a Thursday and not a Tuesday. Yeah. Because she showers on Wednesdays. Oh, she showers on Wednesdays. There you go. Great stuff. What's your name? Kirsten Alberts, ladies and gentlemen.

There she goes. When she walks by, smell. She's on Twitter at Dirty Hippie Comic. Dirty Hippie Comic. She was purella-rific. Hey, what's up, guys? How's it going over there, band?

Who's your drummer? Who is this guy? This is Joel Jimenez right here. Joel Jimenez. Fuck yeah. How many times a day do you guys shower? A week, I guess.

Do you guys shower every day? Yeah. Twice a day sometimes? Yeah. I'm week, I guess. Do you guys shower every day? Yeah. Twice a day sometimes? Yeah. I'm a little grimier. Yeah. How many people here don't shower every day by a round of applause? Wow.

Got some stanky pussy in the house tonight. Fucking disgusting. Stanky pussy, it don't smell alright. Alright, so it's not that weird I guess People don't want to do the shower No there was just a few monsters here Some girl just said

It's the moisture It's the weave It's the weave Gross Looks like I pulled another new name out of this bucket Put your hands together for frank ma so i don't get when guys brag about having sex all night because uh i never wanted to have sex for that long. I love sex as much as the other guy, but after I've just had it,

I only kind of like sex. Second time sex to me is just aight. But what's great after sex to me is sleep. And I think sleep after sex is the best thing in the world, because I could do that all night. It doesn't matter how good the sex is. I could be having great sex with the woman that I love and we're looking at each other's eyes

and we're together and we're full of lust and I orgasm and she orgasms and that's only the second best thing to happen to me that night. Because afterwards I get to pass the fuck out. That's all I got. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Frank Mons. This is one of your first times doing stand-up comedy?

I've done a lot of open mics. When did you start? The beginning of the year. The beginning of the year. Yeah, so you're a few months in. Perfect. Frank Mons. Was it a leap year? Fresh out of medical school. He doesn't even get jokes, let alone write them. Yeah, you were stating a lot of just obvious things. I think we all get tired after sex.

We don't want to have sex. Okay. I don't want to give excuses, but thank you. What? I wasn't as prepared as I could be for this. It looks like you're talking to your parents. Frank, what? I wasn't as prepared as I could be for this. It's like you're talking to your parents. What ethnicity are you?

Chinese. Chinese all the way, 100%. I was born in China. You were born in China. How long have you been in America? 15 years. So you were the edgiest comic in China. Dude, I was a nerd growing up, man. I was a straight edge Chinese person

until the beginning of the year. And then what happened? What's not straight edge about you anymore? That I do comedy. That's it? Yeah. I don't smoke weed. I don't get that drunk.

Watch out for the badass over here. Rock and roll. That's Japanese. I think I'm turning Chinese. Straight edge is different. Straight edge is a punk thing. Also, the phrase. It means you don't drink or have sex.

You lead a clean lifestyle. I pretty much don't drink and have sex. Why don't you have sex? What's up with that? It's not by choice. It's not offered to me that often. Do you ever go out? Oh, he cures.

I mean, I live at home. You live at home with your parents? Oh, wow. Wait, how old are you? 25. Wow, you guys do something about that. There you go. Brian, the king of the obvious. That's how old are you? 25. Wow, you got to do something about that. There you go. Brian, the king of the obvious.

Brian Redman. That's what your act should be about. That would be funny. Yeah. Yeah. Are you offended by the decor here? I want sushi. I want sushi.

Anyway, you had some fun ideas. I think you got to slow it down and think about them a little deeper. Because they're like good premises. You know, premises that are pretty obvious to people. So they'll relate. But try to think of some, you know, little deeper punchlines maybe. What do your parents do for work? My dad is in healthcare.

He works an ultrasound machine at a hospital. My mom's a real estate agent. Wow. Are they disappointed in you because you quit and now you're doing comedy? They don't know. They know I quit my job, but they don't know. So what was the job that you had before this? Check this out.

Management consulting. Management consulting for what? For like a big consulting company. Like one of those Deloitte types. Oh, no. Did you have to go into any other companies and do anything interesting ever? Like what? Interesting, no.

What recognizable company did you do anything? Well, I can't say, obviously. Oh. How long have you been in America, your family? 15 years Do you plan on telling them? After I get some success So you're never going to tell them?

Do you think your parents have any idea what a podcast is? No That's good That's always really good What part of LA do you guys live in? Chinatown? Torrance. Torrance.

Yep. So kind of Chinatown. Yeah, same thing. That's interesting. Do you have any siblings? Nope. You're the only child. I was born in that generation.

Oh. Yeah. Boys only, dog. Yeah. Way to take a negative and flip it into a positive, Jeremiah. Do you hate Koreans? Man, we all hate Koreans. What are you talking about?

How about your parents? What do your parents hate? Do they ever talk about it out loud? No, they're pretty cool. I know you're fucking lying right now. Come on. Who do your parents hate? Black people?

As much as any other Chinese people hate black people. So they hate black people is what you're saying. What a weird answer that was. Instead of throwing his parents under the bus, he throws his parents

and every other Chinese person. Only as much as every other Chinese person do we hate black people. What's your favorite category in porn? Good question. I know people are not going to believe me when I say I don't watch a lot of porn. I'll say that with saying I jerk off a lot, but I don't watch a lot of

porn. How do you do it? It's called an imagination, Red Band. You said memory. He did just answer with the actual answer, memory. Oh, sorry. What are the memories that you have? What are those of? Sex I've had before. It's just like

the wrong sound effect for that moment completely. What's it like being a Chinese comedian there's not role models like what do you think about it do you feel I don't know

do you feel like an outsider more or what's no I think you make it if you're funny if you're not you don't I think it's a

one of the pure meritocracies so I'm not worried right right have you ever taken a girl back to your your place one of the pure meritocracies, so I'm not worried. Right, right. Have you ever taken a girl back to your place? No.

So when you have hooked up with girls, where have you done that at? Well, I've only lived with my parents for the last six months. Oh, you're living life sort of backwards here. You realize that. A lot of people start living with their parents when they're born. I had a real job before I did comedy.

I've only lived with my parents the last six months. Baller! So you moved out when you're what? 18? You went to college where? Berkeley. Berkeley. What a terrible choice.

You guys don't like Berkeley? Why did you do that? Wow. What do you guys have against Berkeley? It's just a shitty school, man. Yeah, that sucks, man. Yeah. Hey, what would happen if you brought home a black girl to your parents?

Yeah, what would happen? Oh! Give us an example of what you think would happen if you just walked you know you walk straight into the alright well let's start it off like a normal day you pull into the driveway you pull all the way through the living room wall right the car

just goes straight through bushes and a window you say mom dad I'm home. What's up? Hello, son. Hello. Hello. Hello, hello.

How's the professional job going? You want some slim sushi? Mom. Who this? Mom. Who this? Your cleaning lady? Who this? Mom? Who this? Your cleaning lady? Who this?

How come your parents talk funny? We Chinese. Oh, okay. What's that? Who this? Is this your healthcare provider? No, I'm his baby mama. What?

That's right. I'm pregnant. Seriously. Frank, if you got a black girl pregnant and she wanted to keep the baby, how would you tell your parents that? Can you give us an example? Just say into the mic, pretend like they're in front of you. What's the matter, boy?

Yeah, what's... Let her know. Speak out. Our papa-san, mama? Yeah, what's... Let it out. Speak out. I'm Papa-san, Mama-san. We worry. Right, Mama-san? I honestly don't know how they went. Come on, Frank.

It's not how comedy works. You got to roll with it. Explain to us how you would tell your mom to get that. We're not going to let you fail. Just go. Mom, this is my girlfriend. We're pregnant. We're going to have a black kid.

What is her name? We're pregnant, Mom. See what happens when you just go for it? You get a laugh like that. You're going to have a black baby? What? No, son, you'd not have a black baby. No, son, you'd not have a da-brack-a-da baby.

Your mom is mad, but I am a furious da-brack-a-da baby. Da-brack-a-da baby. I mean, she's already pregnant. She's half-black, half-Asian. Make her an unforgettable da-brack-a-da. Bring her to the karate dojo now.

We take her to my friend dry cleaner. I give you Kota hanger. Too soon for that? Too soon? That's actually his mom's name. Frank. That's amazing. Very fun stuff. Frank. So that's amazing. Very fun stuff.

It was very nice to meet you. Come back and do another minute sometime, okay? Frank Ma, everybody. There he goes. Nice to meet you, Frank. Fuck. He's so Asian, he dresses like he's in medical school. We've gotten to the part of the show where we're going to bring up your two regulars.

These young ladies write and perform a brand new minute every single week. They do not get pulled out of the bucket. They have one of the hardest jobs in all of comedy, trying to keep up with writing a minute every single week of the year. This week's no different. Going first tonight, you know her as a Kill Tony regular and so many other great things.

Put your hands together for Melissa Esslinger, everybody. So not everything that you water will grow because I've had water my whole life and I never made it past 11 years old. Either that or I'm just really dehydrated. Anyway, I almost jumped off a cliff when I was three years old. I think that's why I do stand-up. I was chasing a lizard. We were at this national park called Natural Bridge, because that's what it is.

It's a natural bridge, cliff. Anyway, I was chasing a lizard, and apparently lizards can climb on the sides of things but people can't. But I was wearing overalls so my dad grabbed them and that day Oshkosh saved my life. I wish that I fell off of it right now but that's all I got. There you go.

And a classic maneuver. Makes fun of herself on her way out. That's fun. What did you mean by the, I tried to jump off a cliff, I think that's why I do stand up. Into the microphone. What did I mean by that? I don't know.

You should know, you said it. Yes, I do know. Well, I was running. I guess I should have talked about this. I have the memory in my head of I can see my foot in my hand. I was literally flying like no regard to the edge of a 100-foot drop. And I feel like stand-up feels like that. Yeah.

Yeah. Got it there. When you say it like that, when you actually explain what you're saying, then you can get a big pop like that. How many times did you get up this week, or how many times do you usually get up every week? Lately, it's only been like three, which is not enough. Yeah. Three a day, maybe.

Yeah. Whoa! I mean, when you start off stand-up, I was doing three a day, probably, for years. Yeah. You have to do that or you're just going to lose it and you're going to forget what you're talking about. You pretty much said stuff that you didn't explain it to us.

It made sense in your head, but it didn't make sense to anybody here. Brian hates you. We've noticed this every single week. It's been a very running thing that he simply can't hide it all for a second. I did get my car back, and I'm just waiting. So I have mobility again now. I can't fill the tank, but I'm almost there. I'm getting there. And then I'll be back to doing as many spots as I want.

Jeff, is this the first time you've seen little Melissa Esslinger? She has a nervous style, nervous delivery. Before she was shaking and apologizing and wasn't able to get her words out. Last week she had a great set. This week, it's one of the hardest things, writing and performing a brand new minute every single week that's on the record.

But she has really good jokes and an interesting delivery, as you can tell. Any advice or anything from Melissa, Jeff? Any initial reactions? How many times have you done Kill Tony? I started in August. Wow.

You've been doing it every week. That right there is a major accomplishment, being able to go back and work the same room. Because all comics, they get nervous trying out material. So you're brave. I don't know what the fuck you were talking about. At all. But it was brave and it was real

and it was about you and your family and your experiences, so keep going down that. Eventually you're going to be able to climb up the side of things. Right. Cool. Hell yeah.

Yeah. You definitely lead points in likability and, you know, delivery. But really, like you said, you know, nothing really... Really love the Tom Petty haircut, too. Just goofing. Yeah. Is your nervous

stylings affected your real life at any point this week or lately no anything crazy happened lately in life um i had an awkward moment with this guy that i see every time i watch walk past saddle ranch the homeless guy with a cup that changes it was this guy i think he works valet or something but apparently he thought I worked at Starbucks, but I don't, and I was really confused, and he was really confused.

Now we're really confused. I suck today. He was like, do you have a twin? And instead of saying no, because I don't, I was like, maybe? This is why I ask these questions It's because that is literally

Let's tease it, next week you should tell a story About the awkward encounter you had that week Yeah, I mean Your real life things like that Instead of trying to dig for these deep jokes That sound like jokes With your delivery and your likability You could totally just say things

That really happen to you and that's the reaction that you're always going to get. Remind me of Janine Garofalo. Watch her stuff. She's great. Janine Garofalo. I can't say that. Wait a second. How old are you?

25. You should know Janine. Look back a little bit and that'll help you. It won know Janine. You check this shit. You gotta look back a little bit and that'll help you. You won't steal, but just check it out. Get influenced by good comics. Definitely.

There you go. A little inspiration. There she goes. Melissa Esslinger. She's on Twitter, Melissa Esslinger. She's here every week. Oh, shit.

Put your hands together for your other regular. It's Vanessa Johnston, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, guys. It's crazy that we live in a first world country, and yet it's unhealthy to drink the tap water. That's insane to me.

In Los Angeles, they discovered that when sunlight hits the L.A. water supply, it becomes about as toxic as 2,000 x-rays. So what they decided to do was just dump a million little black plastic balls in the L.A. reservoir to try to block out the sunlight. And then they walked away like that was a solution. Like, yo, dude, can some of our tax money go to, like, a giant Brita or something? It's insane and then like the cdc recently announced that there's large concentrations of rocket fuel and birth control hormones in the water supply which explains the 10-legged blue homosexual frogs fucking outside my apartment

i don't know if they're gay. They look the same, so I assume. Vanessa Johnston. Talking about water. I know. There's a lot there. There's a lot there. Nice CDC reference.

Yeah, the CDC thing. That really stood out to me more than anything. Center of Disease and Control. Oh, right. But, you know, it's like you're dropping that in there. You know, they say, all you have to say is they. You know what I mean? CDC people are like, what?

And then, you know, little things like that. But there's some stuff in there. You know, move the bread up. Move everything up. Same thing as always. Trim the fat. Figure it out. Have you been doing spots during the week? Good.

Yeah, I do go up like two times, two, three times, six nights a week. That's great. Yeah. Great. Great. Great. Great. Maybe if you take that, that you have an eye for detail, you know, CDC, bread, just these

kind of words. If you make those,. Try to incorporate them into your punchlines and have your setups be a little more easier to flow into. The way you use the language is interesting. Maybe land on that stuff. That's a great

piece of advice right there. Thank you. I also could be wrong. If your thing is that, you would know better than I would or we would, but do your thing. Confidence is key. Yeah, totally. Always tons of swagger with the great Vanessa Johnston.

There she goes, ladies and gentlemen. Vanessa Johnston's on Twitter, Vanessa Johnston. Ryan Chayee Belt's drawing is right here. Look what he did tonight. Is that crazy or what? Wow. Look at you, Jeff. Oh, my goodness.

It's me, you, Brian, and the horse of truth made it all in there. I love Mangria. It's so delicious. It's so unbelievably good that I drink it all the time. Adam Carolla's Mangria. We love you, Adam. Reagan and Watkins, ladies and gentlemen. They did it. Josh Martin comic.

At Jeremiah's stand-up. At Patty Reagan. Joel Jimenez. Roast Battle and Jeff Ross Roast the Boston Police Department. Roast Battle on the road coming to Chicago, Austin, New York, and the Belly Room very soon. Yep. Check it out every Tuesday here at the Comedy Store, live or on Periscope. Fun episode for you longtime listeners here tonight.

This one will go down for a little while, is that one. Nashville, we'll see you this Sunday. Thank you, live audience. Have a great night, everybody. Thank you. you