KILL TONY - KILL TONY #157

Episode Date: May 30, 2016

Ralphie May, Ahmed Ahmed, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 05/22/2016 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. Don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Just search the iTunes store for Kill Tony. Hit subscribe and rate and review the show. Ryan J. Ebelt has the Kill Tony movie poster and every single print that he has painted and drawn at every single episode of Kill Tony. He has prints and posters. Everything can be found at ryanjebelt.com. Tony Hinchcliffe's website, tonyhinchcliffe.com, has all his tour dates and all his merchandise.

Don't forget to check out tonyhinchcliffe.com. He's got 1,000 different tour dates right now, so you have to go to his website to see where he will be next and last but not least don't forget to go to shop squad dot TV that's where all the death squad merchandise

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room now of the the Comedy Store. Every Monday. For Kill Tony. That starts at 8 o'clock. We have Tuesday. We have Roast Battle. Which is verbal violence podcast. Here at Death Squad.

And then every first and third Friday. We are at the Ice House. In Pasadena, California. Also. This is just added. I will be at Denver Comedy Works, June 9th. So check out June 9th, Denver Comedy Works.

Alright guys, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Ooh. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from the world famous Zanies Comedy Club in Nashville, Tennessee! At the Wild West Comedy Festival for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 3! Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe!

Wow! Oh my goodness! Nashville, Tennessee, what the fuck is up? Holy shit. Holy shit. Nashville is half-packed. Live on a Sunday afternoon. What are we doing? I love this. You guys ready for a fun fucking night or what?

Unbelievable. The energy in this room, you could slice it with a plastic butter knife. I absolutely love Nashville. We've been here all weekend. We've had an absolute blast. We are fully recovered and vitamin enriched for this show right now.

No hangovers whatsoever. We are at 100% full caliber blast. If at any point you seem to think, wow, these guys seem a little bit hungover. Maybe we're only getting half a show. You're full of shit. All right? I'm at 1,000% right now.

I was just doing dips in the green room. Yes, I was doing dips in the green room. Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen, is the man on the right. Hi, guys. How's it going? You might have been thinking to yourself, is this one of Nashville's finest police officers? No, it's Brian Redband.

That's right. He's on sound effects and life lessons, and we're going to have a lot of fun tonight. I'm really excited. A bunch of people signed up. We did not bring our bucket from Los Angeles, so we have a World's Best Boss mug stuffed with names. Some people took the approach of keeping their names straight.

Some people folded it halfway. One guy obviously blew his nose in one and balled it up. So I'm excited to see what the fuck happens here. We're so happy. I met a lot of you guys on your way in, and some people from Texas, from Kansas City, from a bunch of different places. Not many people from Nashville came to the show this afternoon,

but we got a lot of people from around the country that made the long trip to be here. So I don't know. What do you guys say we just bring up tonight's guests and get this fucking party started? This is Kill Tony live from the Wild West Comedy Festival brought to you by, I don't know if you know this, but I'm friends with the people over at Netflix. I have a one-hour special on Netflix.

They're sponsoring this. Brian has a one-hour special with Bud Light, who's also sponsoring this. So let's get this fucking party started. Nashville, I love you, and I would never treat you less than any other show. That's why, just like with any other show of Kill Tony, I always bring two of the funniest comedians in the world to be my guests.

Tonight is no different. Put your hands together for the stylings of Ralphie Mae and Ahmed Ahmed, everybody. Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. Oh my goodness. It's about to go down. M-m-m-m-m-motherfucker. Uh, na-na-na-na. Hi, everybody.

Welcome. Hi. Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen. It's Ahmed Ahmed and Ralphie May. Hi, everybody. How are Hi. Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen. It's Ahmed Ahmed and Ralphie May. Hi, everybody. How are you? How you doing? Ralphie May cooked for us yesterday. He had this huge cookout.

He cooked all the food all day. It was so delicious, and it made me take a four-hour nap, an old man nap after. Yeah, it was just the food, not the big old fucking pile of weed. Right? It was a boat. That big pile of weed and Keith had nothing to do with that sleepy time and all those beers. I'm not going to say that I know anybody that has $10,000 worth of Keith, because that'd be weird information to release about somebody.

But if I was going to hint to it, I'd probably do it the exact way that I'm doing it right now. I don't know what he's talking about. I went to this barbecue at Ralphie's place yesterday, and I had lunch six times. Yeah, six times. I literally filled up. I was eating more than anybody. He fucking eats, people. He fucking really eats.

It shocks us all. You should watch Ralphie cook. When he's chopping that meat, this motherfucker is focused. You were just on it, man. Don't do that when you look at Ralphie when he's chopping, because then you'll see the ripples in my back.

Looks like a stormy sea on that back. Look at that fat shipwreck. I love it. Ralphie, you've done this show before. Yes, multiple times. I love it. We've talked to some comedians. Anything can happen. A bunch of people signed up tonight.

Dude, the Nashville comics are really good. I think you're going to like them. I'm excited. Ahmed, this is your first time on the show. This is my first time. I'm excited to be here. Thanks for having me. We love Ahmed. This is a guy that I've been working to be here. Thanks for having me. We love Ahmed. This is a guy that I've been working with forever at the Comedy Store. Real store guy, just like me. Yep.

Used to be. Yeah. Drama. Drama. Man. Tony's one of the talented ones. You got to tell them about that story yesterday, okay? Ahmed yesterday was relaying to somebody how he'd been a victim of post 9-11 stereotyping at the airport and i go not for nothing i'm mad you are the guy who played terrorist number four in a movie

so that might be how they they spotted you they go hey you look like that terrorist from that kurt russell movie hey wait a minute you are that terrorist from that Kurt Russell movie. Hey, wait a minute. You are that terrorist from that Kurt Russell movie. Get over here, you son of a bitch. You gotta roll into the airport with me. They always think I'm a pilot. Or a steward. Or a steward.

Oh, you sons of bitches. Show's canceled. I do not look like a flight attendant. Does anybody need a drink or a hot towel? Anyway. Show's canceled. I do not look like a flight attendant. Hey, before you go anywhere, can you give us a peanut? Does anybody need a drink or a hot towel? Yeah. Anyway.

Peanuts, peanuts. So what do you guys want to do? You want to get this motherfucking thing started? I got a mug full of names. Oh, shit. Mug full of names. Comedians, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. We're going to talk to you.

You're going to be a guest on the show immediately after your set. You're going to stay here and talk to us after you do 60 seconds uninterrupted. We're going to talk to you. You're going to be a guest on the show immediately after your set. You're going to stay here and talk to us after you do 60 seconds on stage. Comedians that signed up, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Oh, you could go a little bit louder than that because they wouldn't be able to hear it. There you go. That's when you know your time's up. Wrap it up then. Don't run the light or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

We brought him with us. We brought him with us. He actually flew first class. His name is Larry. He's a nice guy. He's a writer and everything. He gets his own green room. We had to put him in the guest house across the street.

He has demands, but he's in the house, the West Hollywood Bear. So, you guys ready to do this or what? I'm going to pull a fucking name out of this mug right now. Anything can happen. Comedians, if you get pulled out of the bucket, be safe. Take your time.

Don't fall. There's a staircase right over here. Just don't panic. Alright? You guys ready to get this motherfucker started? Here we go. I pulled the name out of the bucket. The first name going up tonight, uninterrupted, is Moses James.

Oh, shit! Welcome to the stage, Moses James. Oh, shit. Welcome to the stage, Moses James. Here he comes. All right. Hurry the fuck up, Moses. Yeah, when I say take your time, maybe not all of our time. Put your hands together for Moses James, everyone. Wow.

How are you guys doing? So, we'll just get started. I was fucking this chick last night. Why's that fun? Yeah. There's still feathers in my bed. Tinder, it's more like tender, right? But do you guys ever have a hookup so gross

that immediately when she leaves, you Febreze the couch? And I mean couch, because you do not let her into the bedroom. Because that was last night. Now that you guys like me, I'm going to let you know I do teach little kids. That's not a joke, so this is true. I was wondering... We're safe. Do blackout parents, right before they

have the kid just play Boggle, and then when they decide to name it, it's like, what the fuck, it's a QG. Laquisha, fuck it. That one wasn't as funny as I was hoping. But I had a kid named Air Sean. His dad loved Air Jordan, was hoping for the best. I'm going to name him Air Sean, save all the trouble. He's going to be a basketball player, great, great, great. Air Sean, that's my last joke. That's it. Air Sean doesn't know his father.

Wow. One of the greatest closes I've ever seen on this show. He shut down the cat to let us know this was his last joke. Followed by the line, I'm done. Moses James. Fuck yeah. You went for it, huh?

Is this your first time talking to the microphone? Is this your first time doing stand-up comedy? I've done open mics just for fun around here. I live here now. You talked me to coming in down here at the Ryman on Friday night you were wasted thank you

don't ever do that again I gave you one of those and you probably threw that away so that's a cigarette thing wait just give us a mixtape Moses relax don't say the name of the band I gotta do that while I'm here thing, but that's Nashville. Wait, just give us a mixtape. Moses, Moses, relax. Don't say the name of the band into the microphone.

I gotta do that while I'm here. I'm a musician, not a comedian. You are? You look like a magician. You look like a magician that doesn't have any magic tricks. That or like an amateur pro wrestler or... A prophet? A guy that works at some kind of The Last Blockbuster in Nashville

Well I'm from Pittsburgh And I know you're Fighting Irish or something I love that you read my bio on the internet We played you Basketball played you My team came and traveled to Youngstown, Ohio And I played you but you were two years younger than me

But you didn't play basketball But you were at this game How do you know I was physically at the game? All I'm doing is buying more stage time. I have no idea. There's no buying it, Moses. Stop talking. Ralphie, what do you think about this guy?

Man, go be a musician. The horse of truth. Every time you hear that horse, that means a very honest statement has been said. There it is. Moses, what's your instrument? Singer and guitar player. Can you give us a ten-second line

of something you would sing in one of your songs? Just ten seconds. Go ahead. I don't know why I get so nervous Some say I have an attitude would sing in one of your songs, just 10 seconds. Go ahead. I don't know why I get so nervous. Some say I have an attitude and I'm not breaking hearts. Yeah, definitely. No,

be a comedian. Be a comedian. Be a comedian. Because most rock stars want to be comics. Most comics want to be rock stars. So you're like right in the middle. You're not good at everything.

That means he should be a roadie. Not quite a musician, not quite a comedian. Maybe you should sing all your jokes off tune. I don't know why I'm so nervous. Probably because I didn't prepare enough. Well, Dimitri Martin

does that, doesn't he? Something like that. And you had your phone out the whole time. What was happening there? Was one of your bandmates texting you jokes during your set? You're right. I didn't prepare. I put everything together while I was waiting for the show to start. Wow, I love that.

Last minute preparation. I like that. So the name of your band, I will end up getting into this. It's called the Blind Honeybees, and you're the lead singer? I am. You guys have 11 songs. That's 11 more jokes than you did tonight.

One of the songs is called Caroline. But this is no Sweet Caroline, I'm guessing. No. No, what's that song about? Is that an ex of yours? No, I just made it up. The truth is, one of my students... That's where a lot of the best songs come from, they say.

No, I just didn't fall. If you ask all the best musicians that have ever lived, they'll tell you all their songs come from a place of complete made-up-edness. The story might be inappropriate, actually. It's about teaching, actually. Teaching? Because that's probably going to be your future job?

Music's not going anywhere, obviously. I love that. I love your self-esteem. It's really up there. Can you tell us what Not Quite Right is about? DMT and LSD. Oh, there we go. I thought that should be the name of your next

comedy album, Not Quite Right. Moses, what do you do for work? How do you survive? I teach middle school. Oh, you teach middle school. What are you teaching? English. Probably shouldn't be saying that on a live podcast.

Not in Nashville. I love that. You fuckers are in on it too. You were at the show that I did at the Ryman Theater on Friday. It was fantastic. How fantastic was it exactly? It was the best show I've seen in Nashville at the Ryman.

Okay, stop giving descriptors. You had me at best show. It started getting really creepy there. It's the best show I've seen in Nashville at the Ryman on that night. That was comedy. It seems like he has kind of like a man crush on you, I think. I think they all do. I can't blame him.

I don't. I would call it boy crush. Kiss Tony. Kiss Tony. Kiss Tony. Very good. That was funny for that long. Moses, is stand-up really something that you could ever see yourself taking seriously?

Actually, truth is, I met you guys two years ago. What is this shit that keeps going on here? I met Brian behind two years ago. What is this shit that keeps going on here? Moses. I met Brian behind the comedy store. Okay. And with Don Barris.

Gotcha. And he brought me up on stage once. That explains everything, by the way. That explains everything. I'm just trying to tell you the truth. You're hanging out with Don Barris. I'm just trying to tell you the truth. Any other advice, closing advice for Moses James, guys?

I would say check out Tony's website. Just book all your flights for wherever he's going because you know everything about him. I would say, no, seriously, if you really want to do stand-up, get up as much as you can. Lose the phone. Don't look into your notes. And just commit.

And that hairdo, what are we talking? Is that like almost dreads? Like are you trying to go for it? Because right now you just look like the top half of a centaur. My first joke ever was this is what you get when Troy Palamalu fucks Yanni. But this is Nashville. When Troy Palamalu fucks Yanni. But this is Nashville, so no one would get that joke.

It's like if Troy Polamalu never used shampoo. He's a head and shoulders spokesman for those of you that aren't cracking up right now. I can't tell if you're a hipster or homeless. What's the difference these days? I like the penguin shirt.

He'd light it on fire. He would use that as the igniter for when shirt, I would, you know, I would... He'd light it on fire, and he would use that as the igniter for when he lights American flags on fire. Like, he would use your penguin shirt as, what do they call that thing? The flint. Alright. Moses, it was nice meeting you. You went for it.

It seems like you're, you know, sort of a little bit, slightly, somewhat serious, but there's a lot of people that are passionate about this shit. I don know if you don't go up every night you don't love it then but thanks for coming out thank you guys moses james everybody he's on twitter at moses james music so if you want to go check out his music well i mean you're the only one. Can I download this? Because I don't have a CD player.

Yeah, we got you, Moses. Sure, we know. I just need one. Just one is fine. Thanks. We know what we download music that we actually listen to on. You know what? This is a great coaster.

I think I'm going to use it as a coaster. For now, I haven't unwrapped it. I love that. Was that bad? I'm sorry. That laugh is bad. I pulled another name out of the bucket, guys. This will be fun. Put your hands together for Catherine Povinelli. She came right up. Hey, guys. How we doing tonight, alright? Alright, by a round of applause, who in the audience are dog people? Dog people? A couple dog people? Okay, a couple dog people.

Have you noticed recently, or at least I have, that men who own small dogs view them as chick magnets? Which I find interesting, because whenever I see a man with a small dog, I view it as a four-legged neon sign that says, take him, because you know he didn't buy that dog, right? You know his girlfriend or his wife made him get that dog. No self-respecting male has ever walked into a city pound and been like, nah, brah, that pit bull is not speaking to me. However, this Bichon Frise Shih Tzu mix, bro, that is my jam! That sentence has never been said. Which, P.S., gentlemen in the audience who genuinely do want a chick magnet, try walking a bottle of Jack Daniels. I'll stop every time.

I'll come running right up to it going, oh my God, is this yours? He's adorable. Fuck yeah. Catherine Povinelli, everybody. 60 seconds of thunder and lightning. A lot of energy on you. A lot of energy on you. You're like if Amy Winehouse

didn't do heroin. Thank you. You're like if Amy Winehouse didn't do heroin. Thank you. You're a spunky little one, huh? Truth. That's fun. How long have you been on stand-up? About five years. All here in Nashville?

No, no. London, England for one. And then Chicago for three to four. I've lost track. Gotcha. I'm visiting. You guys are lovely, by the way. What do you do for work?

I work for a bank. Whoa. Like a teller? No. Oh, you laughed like a villain there. You laughed like the bank doesn't even know that you work for them. Some good old bank music. By the way, I have to completely disagree with your material.

I own a small shih tzu. I bought it. I rescued it from the second floor of this mall. You know what's awesome about small dogs? Small poops. There you go. Small boners. You know what also has small poops?

Get like a hamster. That has small poops. That's true. Brian also does walk a bottle of Jack Daniels along with his dog. You have the best of both worlds with him. Catherine, you drink a lot. Is that true? That is true. How do you know that? Is Jack Daniels your drink of choice?

Oh, I did, didn't I? That was the whole build-up punchline to what you were talking about was the bottle of Jack. That was all the payoff. Your definition of a lot might be different from mine. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, how much is a lot?

How much do you drink? Oh, no. It's okay. Are you an alcoholic? Just be honest. I actually... Recovering? No, no.

Thought I was becoming one, so I've pulled it back. So now you're only drinking half a bottle of Jack. Yeah. How much do you drink ballpark? Ballpark? In real life. I was drinking every night about half to a full bottle of whiskey. Damn!

Wow! You're going to be a great comedian. Yeah, absolutely. You're going to be a fucking phenomenal one. Get wasted and fuck Norton. You'll be great. You'll be great. That's everyone's path. Horse of truth.

Horse of truth. Horse of truth. Is galloping his way through Zany's here tonight. Wow, I love that. So let's talk about maybe, I mean, are you afraid to talk about maybe some of the bad decisions that you've made while drinking?

Hell no. What? Nope. What's a quick fun one that you can tell us about? Anything interesting? A quick fun one? Craziest place you ever woke up. Oh, a van?

A van? Was Moses there? That's what I want to know. Hey, good morning. You want one of my albums? That's what I want to know. Hey, good morning. You want one of my albums?

Did the van have a sliding door, and were you 12? It did. It was one of those vans, yes. Oh, wow. Wow. Were you really 12? Was I 12? Yeah.

Was anybody in the van with you when you woke up? Did you have ice cream all around your mouth? Yes, there was someone in the van with me when I woke up. I didn't remember his name, but he was there. Right. She fucked a dude in a van. That's awesome. That's like Fast Times at Ridgemont High. That might be my favorite thing today.

She fucked a dude in a van. That's awesome. Isn't that normal? Yeah, fuck yeah, it's awesome. Uh-oh, Uh-oh. The elephant of obscurity. And in the room. Catherine.

So that's interesting. Waking up in vans. What's your favorite kind of porn? What's your go-to category of porn? Japan animation. Wow. Fuck yeah. I like the type of chick that can get herself off to Garfield. Japanimation. Animation. Wow. Fuck yeah. Fucking kinky, huh?

I like the type of chick that can get herself off to Garfield. It's that lasagna, man. I get it. Points for Ralphie May on that one. That's so fun. What the fuck did I just... What was the last thing I said oh yeah

Japanimation how do you discover that you're into that so cartoons you get off by watching cartoons because they're so like over the top

well actually I want to learn Japanese so that I can read Bukkake and know that the woman is consenting wow

because they look so sad when you read it and I can't tell what it's saying so I want to make sure she said it was okay what do you mean read it. And I can't tell what it's saying, so I want to make sure she said it was okay. What do you mean? You should put that in your act. What?

That should be in your act. It's a new thought, so thank you. So you like tentacle porn? Tentacle porn? Or Fist of the North Star because there's more holes? What are you talking about? Where the fuck are you going? Anime, man.

What a fucking creep that guy is. Jesus. Somebody's horny. Hey, she's rubbing her vagina. You're beating off in a corner, okay? You fucking creep. More points for Ralphie, who's winning this. This was never even a game show until this episode.

I love it. So, Catherine, that is so fun. So you've been going a little bit less. So you've been going a little bit less hard with the drinking. More focused on what? What are you doing with all that extra energy? Was it one bad night that you had that made you go, I got to pull back?

No, it was a couple. Many bad nights. It was more of wanting to go to work and not being hung over when I got to work. Right. That's painful. It's not that hard to get to work though when you're waking up in a van. You that's painful. I mean, it's not that hard to get to work, though, when you're waking up in a van. You know what I mean?

You got to ride. Dude, oh, fuck, I have ten minutes to get to work. Oh, I'm already in a van. Dude. Was he your Uber driver by any chance? That's what I want to know. Fuck, yeah. Sometimes that happens.

Really? People fuck Uber drivers? Google it. Yeah. Wow. It's actually Lyft drivers. Is it Lyft? Yeah, yeah. Those shady motherfuckers? People fuck Uber drivers? Google it. Yeah. Wow. It's actually Lyft drivers. Is it Lyft? Those shady motherfuckers? Yeah. Lyft, not even spelled right? Were they freshmen at small Midwestern

colleges? I mean, that sounds completely fucking made up. Swear to God. Somebody's fucking in a Lyft? Uber drivers are banging their clients. Ralphie, Really? Where the fuck have you been? Hey, let's get in a car with a strange dude. Hey, you're an immigrant.

That's awesome. Can you drive me home? Hey, come on in. Ralphie doesn't know what it's like to be poor, everybody. I don't get it. I don't get it. Ralphie's never in the position where he's in the back of a Lyft. So he doesn't know.

Can we take a minute to buy a tour bus? Yeah, right? It's like, that'll be $6, or you can fuck me, okay? Is that the determining factor? I need to save $6. There actually is. There actually is. You know, we very rarely ever talk about,

we usually ask what is a lot of people's favorite type of porn, and I never talk about it, but I will mention, since this subject has come up, there is a website called faketaxi.com, I think it is. Oh, yeah. And basically the setup is all these girls halfway through the ride realize that they don't have money to get to wherever, and the driver is always like, well, all right, well, if you give me a blowjob,

I'll drive you for free. But he always ends up talking them into going all the way, and he ends up finishing inside of these girls. Yeah. you for free, but he always ends up talking them into going all the way, and he ends up finishing inside of these girls. Anyway, there's a reason why I never bring up what kind of porn I watch. Ralphie. I guess 157 episodes in,

you start looking for new shit to talk about. So there you go, faketaxi.com. My point is that it's actually hilarious because these chicks are actual just porn stars, but they go under the guise of, you know, all of a sudden you see a porn star that you've seen 50,000

times before and she's getting into this cab and you're like, oh, I bet you forgot your money, you dumb slut. You know what I mean? It gets good. Catherine, tell us something else interesting about your life before we let you go. Some, like, special talent? Are you life before we let you go. Some like special talent? Are you like a yo-yo person or something like that?

I do aerobic pole dancing. Aerobic pole dancing? Fuck yeah. How strong is that mic stand? Hold on, let me switch microphone hands. What does that mean, aerobic pole dancing? So you like just instead of going for like slutty pole dancing, you're trying to like sweat? Yeah, pretty much.

Fuck yeah. It's a really fun thing to bring out at parties. That's interesting. Can we see a little bit of it? Can we get her some Jack Daniels? Let's get her a shot. Can we have one shot of a half a bottle of Jack Daniels, please? All right.

Very good. Maybe we could get a longer intro version of Cherry Pie. I didn't know the beginning had two minutes of dead air on it. All right. Well, Catherine, aerobic pole dancing. Is there any other slut like, slutty workouts? Like, is there, like, fucking, like, you know... There's plenty.

Like, electric lap dances or something like that? There are lap dance classes, for sure. Jesus. How many roses is it? Just a bottle of Jack. I like how you immediately got that, though. So you fuck in a van, you're a pole dancer and you know what I was talking about.

You and one other pervert in the corner. You should write a book. I should write a book? Yeah, you have a lot going on. I'm curious to know what that medallion is on your neck. It is a map of New York City. A map of New York City. Oh, fuck yes.

When you wake up drunk in a van, you can get home. Oh, shit. Yeah. Well, it was nice to meet you. You're number two. Congratulations. Catherine Povinelli, everybody. She's on Twitter at PovsComedy. Anything else for Catherine?

Yeah, man. I loved it. I think you have good energy. I think work on the material a little bit and the timing. I think your timing was a little rushed, but I know you had 60 seconds. But I like you. I think you're funny, and I think you have good energy and keep doing it. Right. Write hard every single day.

Great job. Read a book called On Writing from Stephen King. He talks about how hard he has to write every day in order to be as good as he is, even though he's a genius. He still works hard every single day. So since you're not a genius, you have to work hard every day. Because he's a genius, and he's working hard every day. Because he's a genius and he's working hard every day. See you later.

Bye-bye. Small dogs rule. Fuck yeah. It's all happening, guys. Anything can happen. You don't know. I might pull Moses out of the bucket again. Anything can happen.

I pulled a name out. The name is Britt McAllister, everybody. I only do one impression, but it's Anna Nicole Smith. So I don't do it very often because people seem to get pretty bummed out when I do it and I think it's mainly because her death was really sad but I think it's also because her life it was really sad I I never practiced that impression either I was just told that when I was drunk in high school so that's really depressing. But then I was like,

oh great, should I like do a lot of drugs or gain a lot of weight or fuck a rich dude? I'm not really sure what I should do right now. And I was like, no, that's ridiculous. I don't have to limit myself. I work at a breakfast restaurant and one of our most popular items is a bagel sandwich with egg and cheese on it. And it was so popular that we did a smaller sandwich on a smaller bagel for our kids' menu, but I quit my job in protest because they absolutely refused to call it

an Egg Bagel Junior. Fuck yeah, exactly 60 seconds from Britt McAllister. How long have you been on stand-up? That's my second time. Her second time ever on a stage, ladies and gentlemen. Second time ever. All you chicken shits that didn't want to sign up. Britt, that's fun.

You have a fun energy. You're easy to listen to. You don't have many punchlines yet. I'm still waiting for this Anna Nicole impression that I never saw. You hint towards an Anna Nicole impression and then I don't... I thought she was going to come out of the gate and do it.

And then you let us down. But I like your... It would have been funny had you just been like, I do an Anna Nicole Smith impression, just gone like that. See how hard that laugh is? Spit out a gummy worm. Get your first applause break ever. Can I have that, Tony?

Yes, you can have it. Turns out I can't do that Anna Nicole Smith joke. Thank you. Fuck yeah, you got it. I've loved your work ever since you married Chucky in only a half laugh You got it. I've loved your work ever since you married Chucky. Only a half laugh on that killer bride of Chucky. Did you just make a Child's Play 3 reference?

It's actually the bride of Chucky. I think it was the fourth one. The bride of Chucky, the fourth one? There you go. Evil laugh, everybody. Yeah, there was another Chucky. You ever see all the Chuckies? Didn't see all the Chuckies, baby.

Chucky's one of the only things that actually scared the shit out of me when I was a kid. Because you'd have to share clothes with him? Yes. Yes. by the way I think fake laughs never work so please I mean I'm begging you

0 for 4 on fake laughs working all time Britt yeah it's a shame there weren't fake laughs during your set

here tonight it's okay I know they weren't very good no I love that though you're really easy to listen to you work at a restaurant?

I do. You wait tables, huh? Yeah. Interesting. How long have you been doing that? Well, I've done it for 12 years, but the restaurant I work at now, for eight years. Worst table you ever waited on? What went down there?

Well, probably not the worst, because there's a lot of worse. You woke up in a van. Yeah, and then I had to go to work immediately, so I killed myself. No, I had a grown man who was fully able to ask me to butter his toast, and I just don't have any patience for that. I'd love for you to butter my toast. Hell yeah.

I did it. That kind of creeped me out a little right there, man. Don't say that shit about me. I would always butter your toast. Don't butter me out a little right there, man. Don't say that shit around me. I would always butter your toast. Don't butter my toast. Guys, you can't say butter three times in front of Ralphie. Or what? It doesn't even matter what happens.

You gotta laugh regardless. I don't even have to finish it. Unless I give you freeway, dick. Son of a bitch. No, I... This is Nashville. Have you had any famous people at your breakfast place? Yeah.

Who? Luke Bryan comes in a lot. Luke Bryan? Yeah. No, we said famous people. He's such a nice guy, though. Is he a good tipper? He's a fantastic tipper. Who is that? He's a a nice guy though Is he a good tipper? He's a fantastic tipper

Who is that? He's a country singer What's like one of his popular songs? I don't know but he I don't listen They all sound the same They all sound the same We made a song in 88

And now they're all the same. We mailed a song in 88. And now they're all the same. This is called the Nashville game. All the songs are the same. We used to have heart and soul. Britt. A little Snoop Dogg

in there. The remix. Britt, what do you do for fun? I sing and play sometimes, but I don't want to sing right remix. Britt, what do you do for fun? I sing and play sometimes, but I don't want to sing right now. Wait, sing and play? Guitar and piano. Oh, but you said you don't want to sing right now.

You're assuming that I would, because I asked Moses to sing, that I would take that chance again. I believe in her, though. As long as you don't have one of these, we're good. I don't, I don't. Come on, you can't give us one little sweet line just to get a... No, I'm terrified right now.

Oh, come on. They want to hear it. We want to hear it. This is Nashville, Tennessee, Brit. You're in the Music City. Music City, USA. Give us a little tune. I don't even know what to sing.

Sing your best. Do it. Do you know anything from like the Blind Honeybees? Yeah. Man, you just made his year. That's never been said over a microphone ever. Can you cover In Her Eyes? In her eyes.

There you go. All right. I like it. What are we learning here tonight? Already better than Moses was. What did we learn here tonight? If you want a comedian with a good voice, do not go to Nashville, Tennessee.

You didn't like that? No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. That was lovely, Britt. I can see why you didn't want to sing now. Tell us something else interesting about you. Any cool hobbies? You into like skydiving?

I did it once, but I wouldn't say I'm into it. It was fun. What else are you into? What's a hobby of yours? I don't do a lot. I've just been really like studying comedy a lot lately. So I just go to a lot of shows. We got a good answer from Brian's question on the last one.

Why don't we fire it off at you two? Favorite kind of porn? Nice porn. Nice porn. Oh my goodness. Is there any such thing? Party machine, please and thank you. So, what's nice porn like? You don't like fucking videos? You just like making love videos or

Showtime shit? Soft love videos. You like it where they keep their underwear on and shit? No. She likes chicks to suck dick with their pinky up. Okay? And guys to ask, may I enter you, please? Yes, you may.

Thank you for asking. You're welcome. May I come on your face? That's like really polite. I've never heard of polite porn. That's where you just rub it around the outside. It's just in two hours, it's just rubbing it around the outside. Or they just come in their hand

and they slap you right across the face. It's just the tip. Yeah, that's polite. It's aggressive coming from me. Yeah, right? Nice porn. That's fun. That's like watching,

probably like watching a Braves game because they never get past first base either. I'm trying to think of a local baseball team, but I went with the Braves. What the fuck is nice porn, though? That's not a real thing. There's no category on Pornhub called nice porn, is there? Like female-friendly, like the woman is enjoying it. You're not miked, and you've been annoying this whole time. Pipe down. Pipe it

down, lady. Shut it up. Lock it up. Yeah. Zip it. Zip it. We'll throw a mic on you when you show us some talent, but until then... All porn is aggressive porn. I don't think there's any sort of polite porn.

No, she's talking about that fuzzy out of focus shit. Yeah. What side are you on? We're dudes. We're all on the same fucking seven sides, okay? Chick's like that fuzzy fucking guy who comes home and like rubs her back

first. Then lights a candle. Boring. She likes the kind of porn where they ask her how her day went. Yeah. It's all massage. Lights a candle. She likes the kind of boring. She likes the kind of porn where they ask her how her day went. Yeah. Yeah.

How was work, sweetheart? Oh, oh, oh. Do you guys know Owen Benjamin? Yeah.

My friend Owen Benjamin is a comic. I was asked because he watches porn religiously and I said, how much porn do you watch? He's like,

I have like four different windows going up at once on my computer and my buddy Steve Byrne was like dude you're like the Wolf Blitzer of porn you just you're in the situation room just fucking jacking off all over your computer can you drop

shittier names by the way in the next conversation I mean it's like do you know this feature act, Owen Benjamin? Yeah, he's friends with my other feature act friend, Steve Burr. Man, you're the only headliner in this conversation.

I'm sorry if I'm talking about my friends who were on a sitcom called Sullivan and Son for three years. Oh, shit. I'm sorry for no one knowing it. And then it went on four years Sorry Ralphie I don't have a tour bus It's alright you'll get one We'll get you a magic carpet

I'll follow you on your tour bus Piece of shit I love you Thanks for inviting me to your smoke out Of course Or cook out It was both You know it was I love you. Thanks for inviting me to your smokeout. Of course. Or cookout. Cookout. Whatever the fuck. It was both.

It was both. You know it was. Britt, you from here in Nashville? I'm from Arkansas, but I've lived here for 11 years. Nice. Wow. What brought you here? Music.

Arkansas? Yeah, Arkansas, pretty much. I love that. That's exactly right. Where the fuck is Arkansas? It sucks. Oh. I love that. Tony, I just wanted to say I is Arkansas? It sucks. Oh. I love that.

Tony, I just wanted to say I also saw you at the Ryman and you and Joe absolutely murdered. It was brilliant. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. And with that,

I'm going to tell you that you're so far the best of the night, Britt. Thank you. She's on Twitter at Britt underscore McAllister, everybody. There she goes,

Britt McAllister. That was great, Britt. Keep it up, Britt. Hey, and that's a note for all you other comedians coming up here. everybody. There she goes, Britt McAllister. That was great, Britt. Keep it up, Britt. And that's a note for all you other comedians coming up here. Kiss Tony's little ass and you'll be the best comic this day. You know, it's not a competition.

It is. It is, actually. But I mean, the winner gets $50,000. And $10,000 worth of weed. It's always a thing when you pull out a name and there's three names there. You know what I mean?

Like the assassin type of name. You got one right here. If I've ever heard of a school shooter name before, this might be it. Put your hands together for James Victor Cherry, ladies and gentlemen. I like that sports and I can't lie. You other brothers can't deny. Y'all want a girl, walk, sit, look at any of these ways.

Stand around, think in your face, you get sporty. How y'all doing tonight, guys? I used to date a chick that was a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody. My girlfriend now calls me white trash because she caught me peeing off the porch. I think the problem is more that we're not allowed back at that Cracker Barrel now. I tried to make it up to her, though.

She's an animal lover. So I went to the animal shelter and adopted a little baby kitten. I named it Tyler Purry. Sometimes I like to dress it up like a woman and make shitty movies with it. If that didn't work, I was just going to get her a bottle of ranch dressing. Because there's nothing white women love more than ranch dressing. Go into any restaurant, and you'll hear the white women bitching at their waiter, and it sounds like a horror movie stabbing scene.

Ranch, ranch, ranch, ranch, ranch. That's my time, guys. Thank you. Fuck yeah. 57 seconds from James Victor Cherry. What's up, James? How you doing, man? Doing great.

You're a Nashville comedian. Yes, sir. How? How you doing, man? Doing great. You're a Nashville comedian. Yes, sir. How long you been doing it? About seven years. I like that. There's some funny stuff there. I like your style. I like your dress like you just got out of prison.

Did you just get out of prison? Yeah. Really? For what? Twerking. I gotcha. I gotcha there. I see what you did there. You played my song when I was walking up, so I was ready. I love that. Tell us something interesting that you feel about the...

What do you do for work? I do a little... Change direction there really smoothly. I do a lot of things. I work in a restaurant. What do you do there? I drive Uber. Pretty much all the shit you've been talking about so far. See, that's what I'm talking about. There's no fucking way that guy's fucking somebody. But he's trying.

With him, it would be rape, not fucking. Oh, okay. Right? Have you tried? Have you tried to bang one of your clients? Have you tried to rape somebody in your Uber? When the surge prices get high, this looks a lot better than a $100 ride.

Oh. When they surge, that's when you fuck. That's right. Creepy. Are you single? That's a little creepy. I did have someone try to fuck in my car once. They tried to fuck in your car?

Yeah, I just got in my car. And you're like, am I allowed to join you? Or what did you say? No, was there two people or just one? There was two. Oh, okay. And how did you crack the whip on that well they i told them i just got this car i haven't fucked in it you're not gonna fucking hear right and of course they didn't listen to me

so finally i just said let's be as creepy as fucking possible i said hey could you lift her ass up i can't see it good enough. They stopped. Can you put that in your act? Yeah, I have it. You have to put that in your act. That's real life shit. That's great. That's funny.

Let me ask you this, James Victor Cherry. That's a porn name, by the way. James Victor Cherry. You told them, this is a new car. I haven't fucked in this car yet, so you ain't fucking in this car. That's right. Right?

So let me ask you this. When is the last time you fucked in a car? About three days ago. Really? Your car? Was this in your new car? Not in my car. I'm not going to get shit all over my seat.

Right. So you ordered an Uber, and you fucked somebody in the back of that Uber, and they're like, can you lift her ass up? I fucked on the pedal. You fucking hack. It was the pedal taverns is where I was fucking. The what? You haven't seen the pedal taverns downtown?

Wow, you're dropping local references on me James Victor Cherry. I don't know if you know this. I've been in town for like two days. What happened when you said put your ass up? Did they complete? They stopped. They stopped? They stopped.

So your car has no HPV right now. So what you've learned is, what we've learned from this is that if you try to tell people to stop, they're like, fuck this loser. But if you're like, oh, that's it then. I'm just going to start jerking off. Then they're like, we don't want to give this guy a good time. Yeah. Right? You know, I think if you ever, like,

if you're a single person and you walk up on two people fucking, either the fastest way or not is to ask them if you can join in, okay? It's like either they stop fucking and you don't have to see it anymore, or you get fucked and it's great. Right. James, were you making a joke when, great. James, were you making a joke?

James Victor Cherry, were you making a joke when you said that it was three days ago you fucked in a car? Or are you being serious? Let's go all honest answers from here on out. No whammy, no whammy. Let's go all honest answers so we can get a good vibe for everything.

She was honest about fucking in the van. And you were not being honest. We were honest answers so we can get a good vibe for everything. She was honest about fucking in the van. And you were not being honest. We were honest. When was the last time you fucked in a car? It's been a few years. Do you remember the last time? Pretty much, yeah. When's the last time you fucked in a bed, James Victor Cherry?

In a bed? Yeah. Oh, that's been this week. This week. You have a girlfriend? Yeah. Steady girl. Yeah. How long you two been this week. This week. You have a girlfriend? Yeah. Steady girl. Yeah.

How long you two been dating? About six years. What do you do at the restaurant that you work at? I pretty much am paid to trash people. I work at one of those type of restaurants. Like Dick's? Yeah, kind of like that, but I'm not going to say it's that name or not. Right.

Right. Gotcha. say it's that name or not. Right. Gotcha. Give them a call because they're really waiting to keep a great employee like James Victor Cherry. One of the employees.

Have you ever been to one of those restaurants where they trash you? I brought a friend. He had no idea it was a trash heap. They do that and he got mad. He's like, I want to speak to the manager. It's bullshit. The manager comes out and goes, what the fuck do you want? It was the coolest thing I ever witnessed. Is that what you

pretty much have to do? They ask for the manager. I tell them, I'm the fucking manager. Go to fucking hell. Wow, that's a great job. What a fun gig. You can take that job and shove it. I ain't working here no more. Is that what you said? I'm going to be fired now. Thanks.

No, you're going to be fine. There are plenty of jobs in Nashville for you. Unless they're here, no one's going to fucking see this podcast. Don't worry about it, bro. There's no Dick's last resort executives that are like,

can't be bothered now. I'm listening to Kill Tony. A couple of my co-workers are actually here right now. Really? Yeah. So you're fired? No. They were too scared

to come up here and do this. James, let me, James Victor Cherry. Tell us something interesting about yourself in real life that's not a joke. I have a 13-year-old daughter that I love more than anything.

Nice. Congratulations. Holy shit. I would not have guessed that. You seem like a very tough guy. I'm not. I'm a 13-year-old daughter that I love more than anything. Nice. Congratulations. I would not have guessed that. You seem like a very tough guy. I'm not. I'm a pussy. Really?

Yeah. Tell us. See, this is great fodder for you to talk about in your stand-up. What makes you a pussy? What's so soft about you? Sweater vest. Sweater vest. Sweater vest.

Argyle. Argyle. Argyle. Argyle. Sweater vest. Argyle. Argyle. Sweater vest. Yeah. Argyle. Argyle. Sweater vest. Sweater vest. Sweater vest. Argyle. Argyle. Argyle. Argyle. Sweater vest. Argyle. Argyle. Sweater vest.

Yeah. Argyle. Argyle. Sweater vest. Two buttholes. Out of the 80s. What's so soft about you? His second butthole.

Argyle. Just, uh... I'm just a loving father, and I know that I can't be getting all in trouble and shit because I got a little girl to take care of. Right. That's responsible. Party time.

I like her. I pay my child support. I love that. So that's fun. Does your daughter like you at all? In what ways? She loves me. I'm divorced.

I'm divorced and she loves me because we do all the fun shit. Right. You're the fun dad. Shitty shit. I love that. Do you let your daughter go on Snapchat? No. She's not on any social media whatsoever.

Okay, relax. What's her screen name? I'm not going to look for your daughter. Not having you Snapchat. Yeah, Jared from Subway. What the fuck was that question? You're all fucking guilty too, bitches. Did she play Club Penguin? Another small reference.

There you go. Brian is a master at references that only he laughs at right afterwards. You know what's great? This is a podcast. People are going to listen to this, Google it, and then laugh their asses off. I love that. You're right.

A lot of people love Googling while podcasting, Brian. That's a good method. Are you on social media, Mr. Cherry? Yes, sir. Which platforms are you on? Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, the normal stuff. Amber Alert? I do have a Snapchat.

No, I hate Amber Alerts because they interrupt me when I'm doing important shit. Jesus, how often are you getting Amber Alerts, dude? We're in Tennessee. Kids get kidnapped here all the time. Is that true? Is that a thing? Is that true? Am I right?

Wow. Really? Children? By the way, I love the local pride. What the fuck are you guys doing? Hold on. Butt fucking. Hey, we're clapping for fucking child napping. What the fuck are you talking about? Butt fucking. Hey, we're clapping for fucking child napping.

What the fuck are you talking about? Don't cheer for that. Anybody that's clapping, that's the guy you suspect when the Amber Alert goes off. If you clap a little too fucking hard. Yeah, like, oh yeah, I've got three kids now tied up. Love it. There you go.

I'm not going back to jail. Fuck that. Were you really in jail? No, never been in jail. You're using that reference to act like you're a little thug. Yeah. It's not working. It's not, I know.

It's not my jam. It's cool. It's not my jam. That's fair. Other than the little girl, any other hobbies or anything that are interesting? When you say hobby. My life is pretty much work and comedy and daddy-daughter time. What's your favorite category of gay porn?

Gay porn. Do you like polite porn? BBW lesbians. BBW lesbians. What does that BBW stand for? Big Beautiful Women. I like BBBWs better, man. You should look into that.

I like BUWs. I like Big Ugly Women better, man. You should look into that. I like BUWs. I like big, ugly women. That's the shit that gets me off. I'm like, oh, God, look at you. Gross. This is so wrong. Is that really what you like? A lot of putting up layers over layers to try to rub pussies?

I like to watch something that I have a chance of fucking. Oh. That's funny. Do you talk about that? Do you talk about watching BBW porn? Ralphie, do you want to chime in here? Alright, good talk. We tried.

No, that sounded, yeah, good for him. I always had the direct opposite motivation. I always had the direct opposite motivation. I started with the hottest chick in the room and worked my way down. You know what I mean? Let the market set the price. That's what I always say.

Well, James Victor Cherry, you're a very funny man. Congratulations on being a good father and a good comedian. Thanks for being on the show. There he goes. James Victor Cherry. He's on Twitter at TheRealJVC. So for those of you that were following the fake JVC,

go follow TheRealJVC. And Britt McAllister was Britt underscore McAllister, if I didn't say that. Ahmed, I always ask guests when it's their first time on the show, and Ralphie's probably already answered this in past episodes for himself. I'm going to ask you, though. What's something that you did when you very first started stand-up comedy

that you can't believe that you did or that you're embarrassed of or anything like that? That I'm embarrassed of? How much fucking time do we have? Like a weird thing. I show we have? I don't like being heckled. I like to fight people. I don't like to fight people. I won't fight you, but if you hit me

or talk down to me, I'll punch you. It's happened several times. You all know the comedy store in Hollywood. The inmates run the joint. And the audience members have the ability to talk shit to you and nobody says anything. There's no security. There's no real door guys there.

It's just like comics that are working the door. So sometimes you'll get an altercation with people who just will talk shit to you. And so this girl was heckling me and I... He beat the shit out of her, everybody. No, I told her to shut the fuck up and then her boyfriend

came on the stage and wanted to fight me. And I was like, oh, okay, well I have like seven more minutes, so let me finish my set that I came to do and then we'll go outside and I was like oh okay well I have like seven more minutes so let me finish my set that I came to do and then we'll go outside and I'll just box you and he was like what because who says that

like you're going to box somebody and he was thrown off by that I psychologically fucked him up a little bit he was like I don't know if I want to box you and I was like well then sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up and he did and it was very awkward and then he left after the show He was like, I don't know if I want to box you. And I was like, well, then sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. And he did. And it was very awkward.

And then he left after the show. Because you don't want to fuck an angry Arab guy boxing you, do you? No. You had me at Arab. I don't want to fight that guy. He's a little blow-uppy. Arabs have great boxing skills. Can I tell one more quick one?

Especially shoe boxing. I'll tell one more quick one. It's a bomb joke, everybody. Thank you. Cereal boxing. Thank you. Cereal boxing. These guys think I'm Arab.

I'm actually Mexican. This is a marketing scheme. I was showcasing for the Tonight Show at the Improv, and it was urban night. It was all black people smoking weed on a Monday night. And the Tonight Show bookers were like, hey, do your showcase here. Four minutes. Don't touch the mic. Just do your shit. Bob Reed and Ross Mark and those guys.

So I'm like, okay. So I go up on stage. I tell my first joke. And nobody laughs. Tell the second joke. Nobody laughs. I tell the third joke. Silence.

Then I hear this woman from the back of the room yell out, say something funny, motherfucker. Oh, shit. And the whole room chimed in like a pack of wolves, and they started heckling me. And I got booed offstage from my Tonight Show set. Oh, my God. And D-Ray Davis, who was hosting that night, was like,

you stupid motherfuckers. That's my homeboy. That's my nigga. He was trying to come up here and do a set for the Tonight Show, and y'all heckled him. Y'all stupid motherfuckers. That's my homeboy. That's my nigga. He was trying to come up here and do a set for the Tonight Show, and y'all heckled him. Y'all stupid motherfuckers. And they were like, oh, sorry, D-Ray. And then I went up to him afterwards.

I was like, thanks for protecting me in front of all these black people. But then the Tonight Show bookers ended up coming to the comedy store to watch my set in front of white people. And I booked it. There you go. I'll tell that story one more time. It's really fascinating. Don't do it again. You're already the only guy

to list multiple things that they regret. I feel like had I not stopped you there, you just would have kept going forever. Then there was another time I had a showcase for the Ellen DeGeneres show, and this bitch in the front row was like, fuck you,

you suck, and I looked down, and it was Ellen DeGeneres. I'm like, fuck. I pulled another name out of the bucket. 60 Seconds Uninterrupted goes to the stylings of Ben Sawyer. What's up guys? You guys ever wish for something so hard that your stepdad dies? If so, let me know what it was.

When I was young, my uncle used to tell me, you know, that if you shake it more than twice, you're just playing with it. But if he were right about that, I don't think they'd have taken my baby away. I'm just kidding. I've still got him. I've still got him. Grew up poor, guys. When I was young, all I wanted to do was be good at basketball. I thought I could get us out of that poverty.

Seems like every time, though, I'd go to take a shot, somebody'd jump up and block it, and somebody'd scream, Shaq attack! We'd all have to run down the hill and defend our Shaqs. Let me tell you, you can't run a zone defense against the hill people, guys. It's got to be man to man. Fuck yeah! Ben Sawyer!, guys. It's got to be man to man. Fuck yeah. Ben Sawyer. Holy shit. It's happening.

Ben Sawyer. I love your style. That, so far, was the set of the night. You have real jokes, Ben. How long have you been doing stand-up? About three and a half years. You have a real lanyard on right now. We're wearing the same lanyard.

He's acting like I haven't been hanging out with these guys for the past two or three days. Like we don't know you? Yeah. Hey, man, get set. Ben's a comic that we did a show earlier this week with. It's a game show where comics just fuck off. It's a really funny

show. Everybody should come and see it. He's also a history professor at MTSU. And yesterday he was back porch of my house having barbecue. Yeah. Drinking and smoking my good-ass cigars.

So we know Ben, but none of us knew he was this fucking funny. Exactly. Yesterday, not fucking funny. Did that help him? It did not. He was very fucking funny. Exactly. Yesterday, not fucking funny. Did that help him? It did not. He was very quiet at the barbecue. Fucking not funny. Patently not funny.

A droll. To his credit, it was daytime. I like to be surprising, guys. I love that. That's so fun. So, Ben, you teach history where at? Middle Tennessee State University. Wow. Go Blue Raiders! So, Ben, you teach history where at? Middle Tennessee State University. Wow. Wow.

Go Blue Raiders. Yeah, look at all those people clapping with shitty SAT scores. Look at all those people. That's awesome. What's something that you know about history that's funny that we probably don't know about? Well, William Henry Harrison was elected in 1840. And basically, he was the oldest guy ever elected. And what he wanted was to prove to everybody that he wasn't too old to be the president.

He wasn't weak. So he gave the longest inauguration speech in American history in the rain and the cold. And he died 30 days later. Fuck yeah. From pneumonia. Yeah, that's right. Proving to everybody he wasn't soft. He was dead.

By the way, the greatest U.S. president of all time had 30 days in. Maybe we could get that lucky this year. Totally. We probably will. Wouldn't that be fucking great? Come on! 28 days! I don't think Bernie could last 10.

Yeah, right? Wow, that's so cool, Ben. You get a lot of college girl pussy. You know what I'm talking about? Nope. Not at all. Nor would I. Is your wife out there, Ben?

She's not, but she's at home. She's listening. I wanted to be at my home, too. I love that. Atta boy. So what else, Ben? You do stand-up. You're very funny.

You have your own show. You teach in history. Perfect timing. It's a live comedy game show. It's here Wednesday. The next one is here this Wednesday at Zany's Nashville, 730. Come out.

Fuck yeah. Definitely. Ugh. What a shit fucking plug. Come out. Fuck yeah. Definitely. Ugh. Ugh. What a shit fucking plug. Give it some more energy, okay? The next show is at 7.30. Is it once a month?

Yeah, the last Wednesday of every month. Okay, the last Wednesday of every month? Yes. Except for this past Wednesday when we did it? Yeah, we did a special one. So it's not every fucking last Wednesday? No, it is every, but not only every. Oh, okay.

Wow. Bonus one. But yeah, tell them. Yeah. Well, we already did. Last Wednesday every month, the super plug. Welcome to the show where we just plug other shows. Plug Tony.

Ben, tell us something interesting about yourself. What else? shows. Plug Tony. Ben, tell us something interesting about yourself. What else? I'm from North Carolina and I just started a history podcast called The Road to Now with Bob Crawford of the Avett Brothers. Did you just plug another fucking thing? Yeah, I did!

What is happening here? I'm busy, guys. I'm fucking busy. What is happening? I can't ask you anything. Jesus. Hey, what did you have for breakfast? Delicious McDonald's. I'm loving it. Alright, so I've got a PhD in history. It's like product placement. I've got a PhD in history and between my master's and my PhD

I built a log cabin in the Appalachian Mountains. Wow. Oh my god. You have a master's and you built a log cabin. Yeah, which is great. They were like, hey college boy. Hey college boy, why don't you cut that? If you fuck up, they always go, hey, college boy, I guess they don't teach you how to cut boards in college, do they?

I don't get mad. It's just true. They don't, so I don't get mad. That's right. You have your PhD in history? Yes. Okay, and you're a doctor and you got a log cabin? No, it wasn't my log cabin, guys.

Oh, it wasn't? Oh, okay. All right, well, fuck it. Who did you build this cabin for? Me and another guy who's a contractor who's building for a guy he works for. My goodness. My wife and I do have a cabin in Big Bear Lake, California. That's her family's, though.

Love Big Bear. Most racist place on earth. Why is it so racist? Hill people, hill people, man. Have you heard of Franklin, Tennessee? Have you heard of Franklin? From here to there, you look to your fucking right and say Nathan Bedford Forrest. Civil War fucking degenerate.

Oh my God. That guy's a fucking homicidal maniac. What's the most racist thing you've seen happen at Big Bear? The most racist thing? I was there less than 24 hours before a guy told me.

He said, yeah, this place is pretty good except for when the lowlanders and the N-words come up here and ruin it for us. Oh, wow. N-words? Yeah, less for when the lowlanders and the n-words come up here and ruin it for us. Whoa. Less than 24 hours. I wonder if he meant niggers.

I'm sitting right here, dude. Is the lowlander? No, real ones. Lowlander, is that a Middle Eastern thing because of how they land their planes? Lowlanders would be like Riverside, Inland Empire. You just missed an epic joke trying to

explain to me what lowlanders actually are, by the way. Let me give you the actual meaning of a lowlander. It's like bridge and tunnel people. The people who come from New Jersey and go into New York. That's like Big Bear. If you have people from Riverside or San Bernardino going up to Big Bear, those are the lowlanders. If you have people from Riverside or San Bernardino going up to Big Bear,

those are the lowlanders. So not black people. How is that racist? What was the whole N-word part of it? So it is black. Did they say the N-word? Yeah, they actually said it. Sometimes people hear I have a southern accent

and they think that's a pass. It's not. How come Ralphie says it's okay? I still don't know, honestly, guys. Nobody actually knows the answer to that. You make it sound so cool. Well, I don't mean it with any harm. I mean, you can say African American

and make it sound meaner than nigger, you know? That goddamn African American! Or, hey, what's up, my nigga? Right, exactly. All right, we just got pulled off of YouTube. We're the first show to get pulled off of it before uploading it to the format, but it just happened. So for those of you that were watching the first half of this show,

all right. Sorry. He asked a question. You know, it's my fault. I'm the host that asked, what's the most racist thing you've seen happen at Big Bear? You can't open up that can of worms and not expect for anything to come out.

Are you calling them worms now, Ahmed? Jeez Louise. Where is your head at? Who's them? Oh, man. This just got a little more Nashville, huh? We made a left turn. I think we made a left turn.

Made a left turn on Martin Luther King Boulevard. Why isn't that ever in a better neighborhood? What's that? Nothing. You don't see Martin Luther King Boulevard in Beverly Hills. I know. They should have one. That'd be awesome. I have a dream that one time my name

will be connected with some of the worst poverty streets and horrible housing and violence. Dream fulfilled. That was the dream. Ben, any other crazy habits or parting words or anything like that for us? Anything else?

No, but these guys are great. I'll give a rub for these guys right here. That's it. Thank you. You should come see Ralphie's show tonight because he's hilarious. It's right after this. There you go. One more plug for me, everybody.

Come see Ralphie's show after this. One more show after the show after the show. Ben, it was nice to see your stand-up. Very, very talented. Very funny, man. Your very own Ben Sawyer, ladies and gentlemen. Give it up for him. Have a good night, guys.

Thank you. He's on Twitter. It's Sawyer Comedy. I got to be honest. I never thought he was that funny. And he was really funny. I thought you brought it tonight, man. He's funny.

He fucking brought it. Well written, well prepared, no notes. Let's keep it moving. Put your hands together for Josh Ashby, everybody. Oh, yeah! Yeah! Listen. I don't know how to tell a joke in one minute. Listen.

I don't know how to tell a joke in one minute. No idea. So instead, I'm just going to throw out some notes, and I'm going to let you guys put this puzzle together for me. You ready? Here we go. She had calluses on her tonsils because she was no quitter. Her mood ring could change colors, kind of like the lights on an emergency vehicle. Premise, my ex was a learning experience. That time you set your friend on fire.

That time you asked the cops directions to the nearest liquor store. When that cat caught you jerking off, in his mind, he thought he had found a schizophrenic gopher. you jerking off. In his mind, he thought he had found a schizophrenic gopher. Back to you, Tony. Fuck yeah. All right. Josh Ashby reading

off some unusable country music lyrics for us. It was like some hillbilly poetry right there. I like it. Poetry. Deaf white jam poetry. Josh. Is this your. That was like deaf poetry. Like deaf white jam poetry. Josh. Whatever. Is this your first time doing stand-up? Third.

Third time ever on stage. Put your hands together for Josh, everybody. Now when you have done other open mics, did you do any jokes or did you do that? No, I had other jokes. I did. This was just for right here, right now. Yeah, what was that? Explain to us what that was.

Spoken word. Spoken word. It was spoken word. It's like unfinished notes, right? It's just shit I had, just premises that I write down, and I just want to do something different. I feel like everybody gets up and just does a piece of their set. I just want to do something original.

That was very much acting, though. That was more like you were doing some kind of skip for us and not really stand-up. The only thing, when you do something like that, immediately I kind of felt like, all right, you're doing some silly gag here. It's not, you know, it just threw me off. I didn't even care about it.

Does that make sense, though? That's cool. We just weren't invested, that's all. Were you guys invested in what he was doing? No, nobody was. Does that make sense, though? That's cool. We just weren't invested, that's all. Were you guys invested in what he was doing? No, nobody was. It was very clear. It went horribly wrong.

But love... Just taking flying leaps out of hell. It's all good, Josh. We're going to get to some good stuff in a second. You ready for it? Let's go. What's your real life about? Right here. This is it.

Right here? This is it? Let's ask some really serious questions. What kind of porn do you watch? Straight up. Traditional. Not polite? Not polite. Just traditional. Oh, I thought he said jujitsu porn.

That's what it sounded like. That's an idea. It's not UFC. What are you? What do you want me to be? What do you do for work? That was weird. Yeah, all your answers are very bizarre right now.

Josh! Okay, goat herder. Goat herd? Hey, hey, hey, man. What? Hey. It's okay. Calm down.

All right? I feel like there's a lot of multiple threats happening. Is the Hulk fucking walking away sad song? That's hilarious. Okay. This is awkward. You're from Nashville, right? Yeah.

All right. And you've done stand-up three times. Yes. Okay. All right. That, along with your name, Josh, is what you should say to ingratiate yourself to the audience, okay? You know, we're on stage with you. what you should say to ingratiate yourself to the audience, okay?

You know, we're on stage with you. When you said that you couldn't comprehend telling a joke in one minute, that should have been directed to us and say, I'll give it a shot or something. And be in the moment. Be of the self, okay? But you are way too nervous to be doing stand-up at this level on this broadcast. You're worried about Tony and Tony's fucking name. And three times in, all you can do is worry about what the fuck You're worried about Tony and Tony's fucking name and three times in, all you

can do is worry about what the fuck you're talking about. You cannot worry about an audience reaction, a fucking sirens outside, Tony, me, anything. All you have to do is deliver those fucking jokes and commit to

one joke. And if you only have a minute to do it, then just try to get through one. And individual premises, I mean, if this was a writing workshop, yeah, we'd help you out. I don't give a fuck. But here, I'm not to hold your hand.

I'm here to be snipey and fucking sit in judgment and help Tony when he's talking too much. That's cool. All right, so just calm down. Answer the questions legit, like we're bros, just kicking it, okay? These people don't matter. You're just a dude, okay? So with that said, what do you do for work? Industrial maintenance.

Industrial maintenance. What kind of industrial maintenance are you doing? Doing maintenance on CNC machinery. CNC machinery. Getting the party started. What is CNC machinery. CNC machinery. Getting the party started. What is CNC machinery? You don't even know what it stands for.

No, not right now. I don't know shit right now. He's so nervous. I love it. He's so nervous. Look at his hands. What's, you ever been on stage before?

Three times. I mean, doing anything else other than stand up? Did some eulogies. Some eulog before? Three times. I mean, doing anything else other than stand-up? Did some eulogies. Some eulogies? Fuck yeah. Like if they weren't dead, they are now.

Yeah. For some reason, I think your eulogies may have been funnier than your stand-up. You should use your stand-up in your eulogies. Look, I don't know how to give a eulogy. I feel like everybody does it the same way so I'm just going to try to be original with this.

Hey, let's see how big his wiener was. Originality first. I love it, Josh. So you've been doing CNC. What's CNC? Did you figure it out yet? No. You have no idea. I'm petrified right now.

Really? It's alright dude. Isn't that exciting though? The adrenaline right now, isn't that exactly what you wanted? Yes. The feeling that you're having and the fact that you'll never even remember these moments. No. And you're not even going to go back and watch it

because we said N-word like 30 times 10 minutes ago. Really? Yeah, no, I'm kidding. I didn't say the N-word. You said it, Ralphie. I don't give a fuck. I just asked him. I just asked him. I don't care. I don't care. Josh, tell us something interesting about yourself. How are you human?

How am I human? Genetics. You're married, right? Yes. Okay, what's your wife's name? Jessica. Jessica. What does Jessica do for a living?

Teacher. Teacher? Right on. What grade? Third grade. Whoa. What, honey? Third grade is the answer.

I just saw the number three go up. Okay, all right. You're way too nervous right now, all right? And this is way too big of a crowd for you to be doing right now. It's okay. We all start baby steps. For me, I was 13, okay, when I started mine. I had the same exact feeling. It's not how old you are, it's how long you've been on stage and how comfortable you are. You know, more people fear public speaking than they do death. What you're doing is very brave. I understand that you've got a lot of anxiety right now. Again, it's making you... Don't be

cute. Just answer. The funniest part of you is you. All right. Let's try it again so here we go now being from nashville uh what are some things that you like to do for fun around here that aren't uh involved that don't involve stand-up comedy check out the predators catch some open mats wait wait what kind of predators child predators or? Predators. You know, I just like to go and I like to catch some predators. I hang out at parks. I make lemonade and put out a plate of cookies and when they come in, I'm like, you're in big trouble.

So you like to watch the predators. That's the hockey team here. Correct, yes. And you said something about what was that next thing? Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Catch some open mats here and there. Wow. Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. So you can fight?

No, I don't. No. Is there Jiu-Jitsu all about resistance and not fighting? Yeah. You want to box? No. I would never box you. Thank you. I would jujitsu.

Okay. Rustle you to the ground or whatever. Can we get after the show? I have several more minutes. Are you making a pass at him? What's going on? Is stand-up something that you've always wanted to do? Yes.

Really? Could you see yourself taking it very seriously? Yes. Then here's my advice, Josh. Because right now, you're just a tall glass of water, dude. Thank you. You need to go out there,

you need to go to open mics every single night, and you need to drive hard and figure it out and create that new habit of figuring out what the fuck you are. You know what I mean? Because right now, you just sort of seem like the guy in the background of one of those where they try to sell you holy water

in the middle of the night, but you're not the guy that's selling the holy water. You're just in the background just sort of standing there looking at camera for some reason. I watch a lot of infomercials, people. I leave that shit on and study it. But you know, you've got to work really,

really hard at it. So, good luck. Way to pop a very serious cherry here on Kill Tony. Takes a lot of balls. Great job, man. There he goes, Josh Ashby. He's on Twitter at Joshby28. It's a crazy show.

Put your hands together for Sarah Albritton, ladies and gentlemen. A lot of women, huh? Great. Great. Guys, tomorrow's Monday. It's the beginning of the work week, and work makes you tired, right? You know what else makes you tired?

Narcolepsy. You see, I have narcolepsy, which is a sleeping disorder. And I love sharing that with people because I get the weirdest reactions. I had someone come up to me after a show and said, oh, you've got narcolepsy. That's so cool. Can you do it for me? It doesn't really work that way, dude. It's not like a magic trick. I can't just snap my fingers and fall asleep. I have another person that came up to me, and they're always asking me personal questions. People are like, oh, you've got narcolepsy.

Does that mean you fall asleep during sex? Not any more than a regular girl. The falling down thing they make fun of in movies is real. It's a real thing. I do that. And it happens at a shock or a sudden change of emotion, which really sucks because I've always wanted a surprise party. I can imagine all my friends and family about to jump out and yell, Surprise! And then I fall to the ground.

No one should pass out at the beginning of their birthday. I was driving near a friend of mine recently, and halfway to her destination, she turned to me and goes, wait, you have narcolepsy. Are you allowed? That bear shows no mercy. That bear. Sarah Albritton, very good.

Great job. Sarah, you might be the only person that's done the Kill Tony in Los Angeles and here, right? Probably, yeah. And I don't live in either city. That's awesome. Okie dokie. How badass are you?

Where do you live? I live in Chicago. Fucking hell. Hey, all you comics listening to this, fuck you. Fuck you. This girl's going for a fucking minute. She's flying to L.A. and Houston. You bunch of fucking candy-ass motherfuckers.

Get your ass up and get behind a microphone. That's right. Fucking the shit state of affairs. Hell yeah. That's awesome. Taking a chance, hoping that her name gets pulled out. I love that. You're a grinder.

You're a hustler. Yep. Crazy for a person that can fall asleep at any given moment. Yes. I'm sort of curious as to exactly what route to take during this interview part, because honestly, I sort of want you to fall asleep during this. I think that'd be great for the show. It'd be a great gif.

We don't have a lot of Kill Tony gifs, and I'm trying to increase our social media presence. So let's try to change your attitude a little bit. What can we talk about that might change? When's the last time you fell asleep spontaneously? Let's see. It was about three weeks, three weeks ago. She was with my friend. So are you due for another one? Is it like the San Andreas fault or something like? I mean, it usually like for the Falling Down, it usually happens once every one to three months. Not too often.

But in high school, it happened five times a day. You're like the only stand-up who specializes in Fall Down. You know what? If I can go down and get a laugh, I'm fine with that. Do you really fall down? Yeah, legit. How much later do you wake up?

Is it immediate or is it like, oh, you gotta let her sleep for like 8 to 10 hours? More like 8 to 10 hours, but then I got pills to keep me awake. Oh yeah, you do. Some fucking Ritalin. Yeah, the legal cocaine, as I like to call it.

Yeah, that's fun. Yeah, right? You got anything for anxiety uh no I gotta I gotta be honest with you I uh I thought that you were terrific I I thought I saw a great joke coming and maybe because you're just I don't know maybe you haven't thought of this but when people are talking to you about narcolepsy and like you know like in your first joke where you went the punchline I would have gone

and then they said I don't remember I fell asleep okay I woke up they were gone so fuck them and then you can get into the narcolepsy and just pass out and maybe get more personal with it instead of like joke jokes.

But make that step into you. Go from a joke to who you really are. You actually just reminded me of a note that I had for James Victor Cherry. And that's when you say that you, when you name your cat Tyler Purry, you don't have to say that you dress him up and they both make bad movies. You could just say they both make bad movies because they both make bad movies. And then that'll get a bigger laugh because it's closer to the front. You reminded me of other good notes that I had 20 minutes ago.

That's how good you are, Ralphie. You're reminding me of shit from 20 minutes ago. Sarah, tell us something crazy about you. Cause I look in your eyes and there's something really wild going on back there. It's called Riddle It because I'm calling you out on it right now and you're just cracking up about it. Well, I mean, not something I want to share with all your listeners.

There are some things I would share would be. Let me tell you something, Sarah. Let me teach you something about show business. How this works best is if you give that answer that you just said. Because that's going to be the most interesting thing. I had my first orgy about three weeks ago.

Fuck yeah! Yeah. See what I'm talking about? Instant applause break. First orgy three weeks ago. What was the guy to girl ratio on this? It was, actually, for me personally, it was pretty balanced. First orgy three weeks ago. What was the guy-to-girl ratio on this? Actually, for me personally, it was pretty balanced. Were you spit-roasted both ends?

No, no, no. What do you mean balanced? What does balanced mean? I slept with two girls and two guys. Wow. So you had a foursome. Damn, you were in bunk beds. Fivesome.

This was a bunk bed orgy. Did you guys record it for polite porn? No. Was it polite? I mean, yeah. Was there caressing happening? Like right to the point. I mean, there were lots of variety.

I'll just say that. I mean, the thing is that I knew most of the people before it happened. You got to be friends with people you bang. Yeah, so it wasn't like I was hooking up with a bunch of strangers or anything. That is so fun. Did you learn anything about yourself during this orgy? Did you find, was there something? Yeah, I did.

It was really, really fun and yeah, I realized that I like to mix it up. Girls and guys a lot. It's a good time, yeah. Fuck yeah. Do you have a hungry butt? What?

Do you have a hungry butt? There you go. Hashtag hungry butt. Hungry butt. There goes this episode. Crumb cake. Was there butt play involved? Are you afraid to talk about that?

No, butt play I save for relationships. Whoa, save for relationships. But once you get that... Boring. Boring. Ain't all. Ain't all. All right, do not start that chant.

All right. But you're saying you save it for relationships. So once the relationship starts, you just fucking gape that thing wide open. Let him throw anything he wants in there, right? Popcorn kernels, pop or unpop, dicks, fingers, everything. Do you want to date in the green room? I don't date comics.

Man, you're a creep. Yeah, he is, right? How big are your arrows? All right, Brian, this is the part where you're literally... Let's tap out. Let's tap out right now. No, I got to be honest. That was, you know, you are gaining Twitter followers as we speak.

Literally, yeah. Exactly. And stalkers. That is so much more interesting. And it's so much more honest and a place that's not talked about. I mean, as bawdy as the comedians have been of late, female comics, actually comics just happen to be women. I mean, there's so many great ones out there.

They kind of rule comedy right now. And what sets you apart is going to a place they haven't yet gone, which is, yeah, I had a fivesome. Fuck it. It was a great time. I ate pussy and got the hell beat out of my giner. It was kick-ass. That's rock and roll.

You killed it. That's a hell of a starter. That's a conversation getter. And you talked about in your stand-up something that directly relates to you and the narcolepsy. You know what I mean? And sort of going back to Josh Ashby over here who's now just daydreaming in a coma, regretting every decision he's made so far today. No, I'm kidding, Josh.

You know, you can be original in the content that you have by only talking about things that you can relate to. You know, like, for example, when you figure out what it is that you do for a living, you can talk about that and nobody else can talk about that. You know what I mean? And that's what you're doing. You're talking about narcolepsy and you almost pussed out and didn't talk about the origin, but then you did and you sort of have become like, you know.

You have a cult following now. Look how likable you are. I can't go back now. I guess I got to start writing jokes about it. I like your point of view. You should. When are you coming to L.A.? Hey, want to book me for a show?

I'll fly out. Of course you will. Of course you will. She always flies out. No, I think it's terrific. And congratulations. Chicago is lucky to have you as a comic. Oh, yeah.

I look forward to seeing bigger and better things from you. If when you go to L.A., you want to have another orgy, I know a 50-year-old guy and a 12-year-old boy that will hook up with you, and that's just Brian Redband. Sarah, it was nice to meet you. Very great stuff. Great interview. Sarah Albritton, ladies and gentlemen.

She's on Twitter. It's Sarah Albritton, A-L-B-R-I-T-T-O-N. We're running out of time, baby. We're out of time. Do you want to do maybe a couple quickies? Maybe like 30 seconds? Maybe just one more? What do you guys think about that?

Can you handle one more? This will be a quick one. Put your hands together for Jeff Soper. Yeah. Hello. Hello. So I was cooking spaghetti on magic mushrooms once. And while I was chopping the onions, a voice entered my head. Oh, sorry. A voice entered my head. Oh, sorry.

A voice entered my head and said, Onions are God's gift to mankind. And that's great and everything, because onions have been around a really long time, 5,000 years or more, according to the National Organization, or National Onion Association. It's the NOA. But wouldn't it have been a better gift if he gave us the Internet?

Like, 5,000 years earlier, the Aztecs could have had access to it. They would have been like, Hi, priest. My feed to an actual slate magazine says that if you take my daughter's heart out, it won't fix our dicks. And some of you might say that they didn't do sacrifices to fix dicks, but dicks are funnier than crops. So that's it.

That's it. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Jeff Sober. That onion joke stinks. In with a boom. It's making me cry Oh my god

We've made the show longer for this? What the fuck Oh man We have two minutes Jeff how long have you been on stand up? This is the first time ever First time ever on stage First time ever on stage

One could say We just popped your James Victor Cherry. Were you not able to hear me for half of it? I think I was pulling the microphone. No, we could hear you. It just wasn't funny at all. At any point whatsoever. How old are you?

I'm 36. 36? Holy shit. You look young as fuck. You're like the Benjamin Button of comedians. This motherfucker. 36? Holy shit. You look young as fuck. You're like the Benjamin Button of comedians. This motherfucker looks like he's 16. Oh my god. That's so funny. You look young as fuck.

Welcome to our world. Look at that thin little baby mustache you're trying to grow. I actually had a full beard. 36? What do you do for work? I'm a data architect. A data architect. Wow. Alright. Tell us more about that. Fuck no? I'm a data architect. A data architect. Wow, all right. Tell us more about that. Fuck no, man.

Fuck yeah. No, I want to hear about it. What is a data architect? If you really want to know, yeah. Yeah, Ahmed wants to know because he likes to know how things are built so that when he flies airplanes into them, he wants to know if they melt or not. No, it's just like- Arabian nights.

Arabian days. My plan is verdicting perfectly. It's just planning on how a database is going to be or something like that for a client company that needs it. Oh, computer shit. Oh, sleepy time. Oh, I know. Was that something you went to school for?

Yeah. What was your major in school? Computer science and statistics. Of course. Yeah. God. All right. Well, good.

I say great talk. Man, you just have so much pent up wanting to get the fuck out Fuck yeah That's exactly Right That's why you're doing it right

You picked up on it Exactly Good for you You live with your parents still Live life on the edge No no I have a wife and a kid You have a wife and a kid You have a kid

How old's your kid Four Four years old Yeah You guys look alike We look exactly alike Like literally look alike They wear the same things

Does he push you around in the stroller sometimes? He's got Batman underwear on right now. That looks really comfortable. Who sleeps in the car bed? That's what I want to know. Remember that from the 80s? Jeff, we're literally running out of time. Tell us something interesting

about yourself. Well, I have a sleep disorder too. I have sleep paralysis where like Really? Because your audience members don't. It's like where demons actually visit you. You can't move in the morning and some monsters will just show up next to your bed and all that. Oh, sleep paralysis. I know about this. Yeah, yeah. It was really scary

for five years in my 20s. I literally not only knew ghosts exist, but they attacked me regularly until I found out what it was. Me too. So not only do you look young, you're also afraid of ghosts. Well, now I know what it is. It's a lot of fun now. Trucks drive through my room and in my closet

and little elephants and shit. Man, give me some of what the fuck you're on, bro. I'll tell you. Fuck yeah! I'll tell you. Let's drop some shit. We're melting. Fuck yeah!

There's a ghost driving a truck. Fuck it up! Turns out I made a corner tweak up my nipple and hold my cock and fall. Sorry, I don't want to go over, but there's this one lady, I call her the wounded woman that would show up at the end of the day. Oh, you're fucking creeping me out, bro! this i love the jesus she shows up ralphie ralphie you wake up let him get it out ralphie wait you wake up you can't move right and and there's this woman at

the end of my bed yeah yeah yeah and they don't make noises uh-huh their skin looks like plastic right it's your wife she had a no no. I wasn't married at the time. Go on, go on. She has a giant hole in her chest that it doesn't put. God damn it! You can't see through it. Make this creep shut the fuck up, Tony!

You can't see through it? Oh, God! Stop it, Tony! Stop it! Fucking stop him! Ralphie, wait. Stop it, Tony. Stop it. Fucking stop him. Ralphie, wait. Stop him, Tony. And my mind doesn't want to simulate the shit that was behind her. Oh, God, he's still there.

Stop it. Hey, Ralphie, do you want to see what she looks like? No. She's doing this one. I don't fuck you. I'm not even looking. What does she look like, Jeff? She talks like this.

It doesn't make a noise. She goes. Oh, my God. She's warning. Oh, my God. She's warning us to talk like that. Do not look. See doesn't make a noise. She goes... Oh, my God. See? I did not know. See? Fuck this. Let's go. Wrap it up. Jeff Soper, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes.

He's on Twitter. No, fuck that. That's creepy. Just be happy you didn't see... A fucking wounded woman coming up? I'm Southern. Just be happy you didn't see. A fucking wounded woman coming up. I'm Southern. Just be happy you didn't see what her mouth moves like. Fucking scary. Hey, we all have imaginary friends. All right, mine's Snuffleupagus.

Ladies and gentlemen. Mine was filled with weed. We made history here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. The first ever Kill Tony from Music City, USA, Nashville, Tennessee. Quick shout out to all the people that didn't get up. My buddy Trey Thompson drove all the way from Kansas City for his first chance

to do stand-up ever. He didn't get up. Curtis Fowler, Jackie Carter, Frank Hudson, Jackie Forrester, John Funkytown Kingston, Zeb McBride, Josie Schneider, Kylie Ellis, Kayla Evans,

and whatever this fortune cookie motherfucker did. Lucky number six, 47. Uh, yeah. Sure, Rich Zamora. That name sort of sounds familiar. Live audience, thank you so much for coming out. We did it. That's Kill Tony.

The live show where anything can happen. Thank you so much to my guests, the great Ralphie May and Ahmed Ahmed. Catch this episode on the internet when it comes out. DeathSquad.TV and everywhere else. Thank you, live audience. Have a great night, everybody. See you, two. Brian.

Brian. Brian, hold on a second. And if you guys want to say hi to us or something, you can just go out back and say hi to us as you go by. We're going to be out that back door. Woo! We'll be right back. I got happiness and I know everything is shining, always gonna be gold. Hey, I'll be mine once I get it on, yeah. Sampai jumpa di video selanjutnya. Thank you.