KILL TONY - KILL TONY #158

Episode Date: June 7, 2016

Moshe Kasher, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Jeremiah Watkins, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Joel Jimenez, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 05/23/2016 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony at DeathSquad.TV. You can find everything Kill Tony. Not only can you click on the videos and see the video portions of Kill Tony, but you can subscribe to Kill Tony by just clicking on the link or going to iTunes and searching the iTunes store for Kill Tony and then hitting subscribe. Don't forget to go to Tony Hinchcliffe's website. There you find Tony's merchandise. You find all his tour dates. That's Tony Hinchcliffe's website. There you find Tony's merchandise. You

find all his tour dates. That's TonyHinchcliffe.com. And he's all over the place. He's going to be soon in Oklahoma, it looks like, and Bellevue, Washington, St. Louis, Missouri, La Jolla, California, Tusca, Oklahoma, San Francisco. He's all over the place. Just go to TonyHanchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. He's the guy that every single episode is drawing the episode. He sells prints of all these episodes that he has drawn.

And he also has the Kill Tony movie poster. You can just go to RyanJEbelt.com for all of that. Also, don't forget to go to deathsquad.tv and clicking on tour dates. There you have all the different Death Squad shows that we do here. Not only do we do Kill Tony, we do a lot of different podcasts, and we do a lot of different live shows.

Kill Tony, of course, is every Monday at 8pm at the World Famous Comedy Store. But then Tuesday, there's the Roast Battle, which is the verbal violence podcast. And that's every Tuesday night. Then we have every first and third Friday. We are at the Ice House in Pasadena, California. And that's every first and third Friday.

You can get all this updated information just by following either any of us on Twitter. Also, Death Squad Denver is this Thursday, June 9th. We are going to be at the Denver Comedy Works, and that's me, George Perez, and Rye Doon. Again, that's this Thursday, June 9th, Death Squad in Denver. And then the following week, Death Squad is coming to New York City. We are going to be there the 18th and 19th of June as part of the Legion of Skanks podcast. So that's 18th and 19th of June, Death Squad, New York. Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on tour dates for all the information.

And last but not least, don't forget ShopS.tv for all the official death squad merchandise of the death squad, all the t-shirts and mugs and stuff that I draw. And all the money that we get from this goes right to death squad. All right, guys, here's a brand new episode of kill Tony. Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, this is Redfin coming to you live from the main room of the Road Famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 4. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe! Wow! Fuck yes! Listen to how low my mic volume is

in this fucking rock concert of a room. So low. Brian, you are cozy over here. You have a whole corner of the couch. I do. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the main room of the Comedy Store. Make some fucking noise.

What's up, Pat Reagan and the Baby Boys? This is Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, guys? Oh, my God. Josh Martin's running around. House artist Ryan J. Ebel draws every single episode. There he is, everybody. Look at this fucking guy. He has a blank sheet of paper in front of him right now. But as the show goes on, he's going to draw tonight's episode. All that artwork's available at ryanjebelt.com. What an exciting night. Look at this. This show used to be up in the attic.

And we're proving by this turnout tonight that we should probably still be in the attic. It seems like we blew our load a little early on this one, huh? The big, glorious, ever-famous, world-famous main room of the comedy store, and we have this motherfucker quarter-packed. Wow, I think this is a great turnout. It's a great turnout. It's alright. We're building a beast here, you know what I mean? Empty front row.

Fun episode. We have Kiel Ulberg. That is the cinematographer and steadicam operator from my Netflix special, One Shot. He is shooting this with a steadicam operator from my Netflix special One Shot. He is shooting this with a steadicam right now. Giving you a special hybrid One Shot Kill Tony episode

for the first time ever. That's a fun fucking experiment. We'll see how that beast turns out. Delicious Mangria. You know what I love to drink? Fucking Mangria. So hard. I drink it so hard. It's Adam Carolla's wine cocktail. This is the original orange and So hard. It's Adam Carolla's wine cocktail. This is the original orange.

And as it says on the bottom, it's ready to drink. A lot of you might be wondering, what do you have to do with this bottle of Mangria in order to drink it? Just fucking pop the top off because it's ready to drink. It says it on the fucking bottle. It's so strong, too. You know that's a shady bottle of alcohol when it's like, hey, it's ready to drink. Don't mix it with anything. Well, they're saying you don't have to mix it with champagne

or whatever sangria usually is. It's just ready to be nice. It's man-gria. So if you want to be a fucking man and drink some wine and you really need to know that you're a man while doing it, drink delicious man-gria. And we should say thanks to all the people

that came out of Nashville. We just got back from Nashville. Yeah, that's another fun fact. You're at the first Kill Tony that's ever been the second Kill Tony within 24 hours. I know. We did a Kill Tony at 5.30 p.m. in Nashville yesterday. Oh, wait. I guess it has been 24 hours.

Well, now with the time change. Well, time change. Well, it's a half hour short. Three, six, seven, eight. No, it's technically less than 24 hours. Yeah, that's pretty impressive. 23 hours and 45 fucking minutes. Wow.

I could have done the math on that at any point in the last 24 hours, and I didn't. Instead, I just said 24 hours and then did it in front of everybody, and you all had to hear it. And Ralphie May cooked us a big barbecue. He's the best cook ever. If you ever need some barbecue sauce, get his big baby barbecue sauce. It's fucking awesome. Delicious. I love it with a good glass of Mangria.

You know what else is cool about doing it in the main room, Tony? We don't have any time limits anymore. We can go as long as we want. Don't tease these people. Do not tease this people. We can go through the whole bucket. We have a whole slew of comedians over here that are like, yeah, let's go all night.

These fucking dead souls over here. Put your hands together for the comedians over here that are like, yeah, let's go all night! These fucking dead souls over here. Put your hands together for the comedians, everybody. Vying for a chance at 60 seconds on the stage. It's going to be a really fun episode. So let's get the ball rolling on it. This is the part of the show where I get to bring up You Already Saw Them. It's one of

the most interesting things that we're the only show where the band disappears for a minute and then comes back. But I'm going to bring them up right now. Put your hands together for Pat Reagan and Joel Jimenez. The band. Pat Reagan. Reagan and Watkins.

Oh, I see something happening here. It's a game. Oh, I see something happening here. Okay. Fuck yeah. Wow. I don't even know what that was. It was from Jumanji. Oh, it was?

That's a Jumanji reference? Stampede. Wow, that was great, guys. It's Pat Reagan and Joel Jimenez, everybody, with a very cool entrance. It was for you podcast listeners. They went through the back of the audience, made their way on stage, bumped horns a couple times that look awfully like the shark fins

that they used a few weeks ago on an episode. Wait a second here. When they did a Jaws entrance. But now it appears as though they have realized that if they wear them on their forehead, they can reuse that shitty prop from a few weeks ago and then they butt fucked each other in classic form if you wondered if their senses

of humor has grew at all in the past week nope straight to butt fucking classic butt fucking welcome back Pat thank you Tony no Jeremiah Watkins tonight yeah Jeremiah's mad at you again oh he's mad at you again.

Oh, he's mad at me. Yeah, I guess last week, I don't know, you like stepped on his shoe. Yeah. And he got really upset and he said, he's like, tell Tony I'm not coming back. Those were new, new balances, too. I love that. Well, hopefully he comes back. I know he's part of the goddamn comedy jam, which is taping right now. But you're right.

He's probably just mad at me. Tony, I can try to call him if you want. Oh, really? Yeah, I can try to give him a buzz right now. I mean, last time you did this, you played a note on your guitar and he came out. Yeah, I gotta try calling him, though. Oh, you mean an actual call?

Yeah. Could you hold the phone? We'll see if we can get Jeremiah on the phone Is that you? Oh shit Okay Maybe let's hold off on the sound effects for a moment here Brian While we have a low volume call happening

Sorry while we have a low-volume call happening. Sorry. How so? Hey, Jeremiah? Yeah. Coffee! Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Hey, thanks for checking in, dude. Thanks for...

Thanks. Jeremiah, thanks for calling in. There you go. Jeremiah Watkins and Pat Reagan. God, that is so funny. You sort of have to have listened to the last ten episodes to know quite how hilarious that is. But there's a lot of

podcast listeners that are going to really laugh hard at that. I love it. Well, okay, so let's just get into it, shall we? Can I bring up tonight's guest? Is that okay with everybody? I think I'm going to bring up just one for right now, and then maybe one or maybe two is going to show up a little bit later.

But right now I'm going to give to you one of the people with the newest show on Comedy Central called Problematic. Put your hands together for one of our funniest guests of all time. He's back again, the one and only Moshe Kesher, everybody. Fuck yeah! Moshe Kesher. One of the best in the world. One of the best in the world?

Yeah, fresh. You were in Hawaii yesterday. He's on the honeymoon tour with his lovely wife, Natasha Leggero. They're going everywhere. Check that out. Hawaii only really hit on this side of the room. Yeah, it's just a small island of people that really clapped at that. What's happening?

Just making little Hawaii jokes, you know. That's cute. That's cute. That's cute, baby. You know what I mean. It gets lonely out there. This is cool. This is taken out.

That's cool. You took out the intimacy of the belly room but you didn't replace it with the audience. A little bit of the intimacy of the belly. It's got everything. They just opened up the back wing which is good. They're exposing another hundred empty seats for no reason.

This looks good. This is more people than in the belly room, right? Yeah, totally. We're already proving that it's a good group. Strong group of people. My goal is by October, November to have this be every Monday night, 8pm, just like the craziest fucking party. A place where people can go

after a shitty day of Monday work at their normal jobs and just say, fuck it. That's so cool. You're going to become like the Hawaii of podcasts. Out there all on my own. So what else is happening Moshe? Anything else exciting going on before we get this puppy

started? Going on tour. Yeah me and Natasha are going on tour. We're doing the honeymoon tour all across the west coast so I'm pretty excited about that. We were in Hawaii yesterday and then we're going up to Portland and Oakland. You're such a skinny guy. Your little wedding ring looks like it's a little loose on you. Oh, I keep it that way just

in case. Because you never know if you kill hard on a podcast if you've got to slip that baby off. All of a sudden that thing falls in your pocket. You know what I mean? Like, babe, I don't know what happened. If you think this fits loosely, you should see the condoms I wear when I do slip it off. They fall off also.

I don't think you... It's a small penis joke. Speaking of falling off, what do you think about our band's props tonight? They're really committed to this horn. What is this, like a land shark thing? We're rhinos. Okay. Yeah.

We've got like rhino tusks. There's a little rhino sound For those of you that were wondering Is that really what a rhino sounds like? Is it real? It's funny it says A lot of people don't know that It's funny it says leopard But I guess it plays for both

There you go Oh that's a rhino Rhinos are very wise And they're always wearing graduation caps. Yeah. They have big eyes. Yeah. They're a great boner pill at the gas station.

Rhino 11 is the best one. Have you ever taken a pill for erections? Oh, no. I mean, just once at the gas stations. Yeah. I'm totally addicted to trying all of them. I collect the cards that they come in. They're all very cool.

Wait. Do they work? He'll do anything to get a crazy boner, including drinking Mangria. A lot of people don't know. If you want a fucking hard big boner like you've never had before, a glass of Mangria will knock you right into shape. Ready to suck. Yeah, exactly. So let's get into it.

I don't think any of our surprise guests have popped in just yet. So Josh, you're going to keep an eye on all that, right? Maybe have Rich communicate with you so that you know when they pull in, so that you know ahead of time. You guys ready to get this motherfucker started or what? We're in the main room, but we're still just a fucking podcast. You know what I mean? No pressure.

No big deal. Don't let the neons from the 1930s confuse you. We are clanking up against history. So let's do it. Comedians, you guys know how it works. You sign up for the chance to do 60 seconds. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you come up here and do 60 seconds. You know your time is up and you hear the sound of a kitty.

You can barely hear that in this little main room. What's up here and do 60 seconds. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. You can barely hear that in this little main room. What's up with that rhino? I thought it was a baby-ass rhino. Let's hear what that cat sounds like one more time. There you go. That means wrap it up then, Earl. She's going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Wow. Wow. That last one was. I didn't push that. It was just a dying dead puppy. I didn't like that, Tony. You didn't like that one? That made my rhino blood run hot. Oh.

Bears. Meow. Not for hot. Oh. Bears? Meow. Not for me. Yeah. I'll fucking rip a bear's throat out. Will you? Yeah. How would you do that? With my tusk, man. There you go.

A chicken sound effect, for those of you that missed it, with the rhino bear talk. I'm cool with chickens. Are you? Yeah, rhinos and chickens are cool. What kind of fucked up wildlife imagination do you have where rhinos know chickens and bears?

I don't know, man. You know I live into my animal head a lot. Yeah, I can tell by that prop, man. You strap one piece of duct tape covered cardboard on your head and you really become the animal. A superstar. I pulled the name out of the bucket.

How long did it take for him to convince you to go down his terrible path? I don't know. I'm just happy to be here, you know? That's good. I pulled our first name out of the bucket, ladies and gentlemen. I think this is a pretty cool name to have pulled out because this is one of the guys that was at the show when we started years ago, worked his way up

to being considered one of the funniest door guys and writers here at the Comedy Store. Wow, what an intro. One of the funniest door guys here. That is a great intro. Not one of the funniest door guys in the world. One of the funniest door guys in this particular building. Yeah, that's a huge compliment at this place. That is a great intro Not one of the funniest door guys in the world One of the funniest door guys in this particular building Yeah, that's a huge compliment

At this place That is true We might have the funniest door guys In this strip of West Hollywood Yeah, I don't know Now that you put it that way I think the Rainbow Room door guys might have a little edge On these ones

But a lot of great comedians used to be door guys here Ran Azizi, Shafir, me. Oh, I'm sorry. The one I was getting at. That was a big build up for that one. Laurel and Hardy. No, this guy's great. He's currently working with the

new Comedy Central show Roast Battle and he's working here, I do believe, tonight. Put your hands together for the great Frank Castillo, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. I'm waiting for you to come over there. Let's do it one more time. Frank Castillo, everybody. I'm waiting for you to come over there Let's do it one more time

Frank Castillo everybody What's up guys It was a really tough year for me I lost my cousin And it was really really tough He was my best friend And I didn't really know how to handle it And it really sucked for me

He died of a digestion problem He couldn't digest massive amounts of heroin So I got a track mark on the inside of my arm for me. He died of a digestion problem. He couldn't digest massive amounts of heroin. So I got a track mark on the inside of my arm just so I can remember the good times. You know what I mean? Just look down. That's a fucked up joke, I know. But you know what? He would have loved that joke because he had a dark sense of humor and he loved heroin.

So the joke had everything that he loved in one nice tight package. Thank you so much. You have a... Wait, wait, wait. You want to do another 30 seconds? And one nice tight package. Thank you so much. You have a... Wait, wait, wait. You want to do another 30 seconds? You want to do another 30 seconds? Because you only did 30 seconds.

Oh, did I? I just asked him that, Brian. Let's ask him one more time. Do you want to do another 30 seconds? Hey, I got a question, man. Do you want to do another 30 seconds? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. All right, time's up.

When I went to his funeral, I was really, really sad, but I couldn't help to notice that all of his ex-girlfriends showed up, and I thought that must have been really cool, that he fucked so well that all of his ex-girlfriends showed up. And they were, like, consoling one another and, like, you know, hugging each other and trying to fill the hole that he also used to once fill for them. So it was very, very sweet. Fuck yeah. I like that we got

to hear the whole thing frank castillo that's fun that sounds like it comes from a real place yeah yeah uh my cousin did die that's cool yeah yeah um and it was it really was it was it fucking sucked and i didn't know how to handle it and And then just one day I just wrote that joke, and then that was the next thing that I was obsessed with for the next eight months was just making this joke work. And I finally figured out how to make it work, and it made me feel so much better. Yeah, like heroin.

Yeah, yeah. Tell us more about your cousin. Were you guys close from kids? I mean, you're Mexican, so, I mean, how many, what are we dealing with? I'm guessing it's not your only cousin that died from an overdose. I mean, I'm just saying, he's very Mexican. I've met his family. He has, yes.

There could be, you know, thousands of cousins and just one died from a heroin overdose. Yeah, it was unfortunate. He drank a lot and stuff. I mean, we were really close. We grew up together. We worked together. Well, he was actually, me and him, he's the one who showed me Dave Chappelle's Killing Me Softly.

So he was actually the one that kind of got me into stand-up and stuff. Wow. And then heroin killed him softly. Oh, yes, it did. Oh, shit. Wow, Rhino coming through with the horns. But, you know, and it's so funny because it was like my family came and saw me do that joke at San Jose. And it was like I didn't know how they were going to take it or anything.

They fucking loved it because it was true. He he had a super dark sense of humor and he would have loved that shit. Yeah, of course. What did he do for work? He come on. He was a hero. He was slinging them drugs. He was sold for people that looked like you.

He worked at restaurants and stuff, and then he started giving back and did Alcoholics Anonymous and stuff and became a sponsor. Oh, wow. Worked his way all the way up the spot. And then worked his way back down. No, I'm just kidding. Sounds like a whiz banger of a sponsor. I don't know, sponsor. What should I do about this problem?

I would suggest shooting a gram of heroin. Whatever you do, don't drink, man. Just find something that helps. Oh, that's fun. So your family thought that that was cool. All of them? Did anybody say anything? No, man.

They all loved it. They all were just – I mean, they didn't love it, but they were just like, that was a really good joke. Congratulations, by the way, for selling your handgun. Thank you so much, guys. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, yeah. It's you.

I mean – and getting a job at The Daily Show at the same time. Thank you. Thank you so much. I'm just trying to get that lead role in the biopic once it comes out. I'm trying to act. Well, who are we talking about? the first one was George Zimmerman he just floated a few references

out on that second one hoping that any of them would land Daily Show, Late Late Show, Late Show, one of those guys Colbert Report? about a boy I think he's trying to say that the Mexican Frank Castillo reminds him of James Corbin who took over for the Late Late Show

is that what you're trying to say? Yeah, yeah. I don't see that at all. I also liked how you described Trayvon Martin as that black guy. Remember that black guy that got the country all racially tense? Snoop Doggy, go.

Yeah. You killed Trayvon and then you took his hoodie. I like that. That's a ballsy move. Frank, tell us something else about you. How long have you been doing stand-up now? I've been doing stand-up since I've been 21 and 27 now, so six years.

But I don't really start counting it until I moved to Los Angeles and started working here. So about four years. Where are you from? From the Bay Area originally. San Jose. Have we done this already? No, I don't think we have. Go Sharks! Do I look like I like hockey? Where are you from? From the Bay Area originally, San Jose. Have we done this already? No, I don't think we have. Okay, cool. Go Sharks! Yeah, well.

Oh, okay. Do I look like I like hockey? I like, you know, poetry. Oh, okay. Who are your favorite poets, Moshe? Like Wayne Gretzky would be one. Oh, okay. Sometimes you just look down that ice and you see that net thing and you're like goal or something

man that's eloquent Frank tell us something else about yourself other than stand up comedy what's an interesting thing about you um not much else no I mean I have a girlfriend I've been dating for a long time I don't know if that's interesting well I mean it's great she's gonna get her

master's degree soon in psychology so it's uh I'm, I have a girlfriend that I've been dating for a long time. I know that's interesting. Well, I mean, it's great. She's going to get her master's degree soon in psychology. So I'm not going to have to work anymore. Think of what you could have done. You just had her talk to your cousin a little bit. Figure out some of his deep-rooted issues. She wasn't available that night. No. Do you like dating a coming-of-age psychologist?

Yeah, yeah. It's kind of nice. It's got its perks. Does she talk with you a lot about issues? Do you think that it's like having a girlfriend or does it sometimes get a little bit shrinkish? It's actually not like that at all. Do you suffer from shrinkage when you're around?

You should try this owl pill I found at a 76 station. Is her dirty talk like get in your head? Oh, yeah. It's a lot of Freudian stuff, so it works out perfectly. Really? No, no, no. You guys having fun? How long have you been with her?

I've been dating for five years now. But you only count it since you started working at the comedy store, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? It's four years. Yeah, I only counted it since I started taking the relationship show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really, it's four years. Yeah, I only counted it since I started taking the relationship seriously. Sure.

Do you ever look at her in the face and think, man, she can see right through me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just trying to keep those secrets buried deeper and deeper.

All right. So things are exciting between the two of you still five years in? Yeah, yeah. She fucking puts up with all this comedy shit. She's cool with it.

How many times do you have sex a week? How many times do you have sex a week? How many times do you have a sex a week? How many times? Hey! For body language, also, I want to know how many times you have a linguine a week? And a matriciana a week? Everything a week?

You look like the guy from the Late Late Show. Oh, you look like an American hero, George Zimmerman. He killed that black guy. Just don't eat the skit all around him. Frank. All right. He didn't answer the question. We fuck a lot.

We still fuck. Really? Like three times a week, we still get a lot. Wow. Damn. That's what's up, player. Hell yeah, bro. Thank you.

We have a roommate, so that's the only thing that counts. You use him also? No, no. We make sure the door's open so he can hear. Is that true Thank you. We have a roommate, so that's the only thing that counts. How much do you use him also? No, no, we make sure the door's open so he can hear. Is that true? You guys do have a roommate? Yeah, we do have a roommate. So what are some things that you do to keep your sex extra quiet? Not on the bed. We close the door and we put family in.

That handles the noise level altogether. And then the second part, if you've ever seen One Threw Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Always the most topical references from that. If you've ever seen One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Always the most topical references from time. If you've ever seen the 1986 hit movie. This reminds me of Inherit the Whip. I can tell by looking at it that most of you weren't born yet,

but you're going to love this next joke. Trickle down economics. I want to go back to that original question. What do you do to keep the sex quiet, if anything at all? Family guy, very loud. Wow, really? Yeah, yeah.

You're committed to the comedy game. Oh, bro, listen, listen. I'm a fuck to comedy. Although I will admit, I have been having sex and then laughed at something that's happened in the background and it's ruined it. You gotta be careful. You're Mexican, Sue. While listening to

Family Guy, you might make a family. It's got that demon seed. Jews are only allowed to fuck while watching Schindler's List because we're trying to remember the people that were lost as we make the people that will come. Like the Equalizer. I like that. It's exactly like the Equalizer. That's a film

you might want to reference in one of your next shows. Denzel Washington and Johnny Skortis in The Equalizer. Isn't that a Charles Bronson film originally? Yeah, it was. Do you ever talk about... Or as you would call him, Denzel, that black guy. Charles Bronson. Do you ever talk

about having sex with a roommate? Yeah, actually that's the bit that I'm working on now. And what do you talk about trying to Do you talk about having sex with a roommate? Yeah, actually that's the bit that I'm working on now And what do you talk about during that? Wait, wait, wait Why didn't you do the bit you're working on now Instead of a bit that you've already done? Hey, it's called Peel Tony, not Bomb Tony

The bit that I'm working on now is a lot longer than a minute So it's like I don't want to do one thing and then Yeah, they can say anything As long as they've never done it on the show before Yeah, yeah Why are you dressed like an easter egg what is that t-shirt you're wearing it's uh the peanuts is peanuts penis penis is painted no the peanuts i heard penis yeah you think penis fan all right big uh frank anything else any parting words uh no man thank you uh i mean i was here in the first

show and dude it's great to see how fucking awesome this is and the opportunity you're giving to us. Let's not exaggerate. It's half-filled. It's nice to hear you say that. It's gotten bigger since we first made fun of how small it was. It's pretty full. It's pretty full. We're doing okay.

At this point, for the podcast listeners, the room is two-thirds filled. That's true. Two-thirds fur? Fur. Two-thirds fur? Just like me. Two-thirds fur. everybody's speech impediments we have a

serving up the mangreer in the back is the one and only Bill Cosby so if you're wondering why everybody's stumbling on their words tonight ready to drink he's serving up Adam Carolla's mangreer Frank thank you so much from Frank Castillo everybody

There he goes He's on Twitter at Frank C Comedy He's the first guy up tonight Josh, anything? Okay Always best to have the guy With the speech impediment Be the guy that yells things from the back

Josh, how full is the room? Is it two thirds fur? Yeah, sometimes you go to the well one too many times, dude, and there's no water there. I understand. What are you talking about? What's this metaphor?

It's about this... I'm a decent in the Serengeti. Yeah, we do. I'm just happy to be here. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Madison Sinclair, everybody. Hey, guys. What's up?

So a lot of my friends go to drag shows, and i don't like them because they remind me of minstrel shows i don't know if you guys know what minstrel shows are in the early 1900s white actors would put on blackface and just dance around and that's pretty much what's going on at drag shows like drag makeup's just like female blackface like they're not they're not representing women in good ways at all. They have names like Tasha Salad and Hazelnut. And just once, I want one with a practical name like Susan. And she could just come out and lip sync to a TED Talk

about diversity and leadership. I put so many singles in her pantsuit, it's ridiculous. So I used to do drag makeup back in Florida. And I used to think that drag queens wanted to be women. And apparently that's not true all the time. Most of the time it's not true. They do it for the money. A lot of them, if you're a successful drag queen, you make...

Okay. Whoa, whoa. The bear is... Yeah. I wonder why the West Hollywood bear got so mad at that line of humor. Madison, chasing that dragon like Frank Castillo's cousin towards the end there, wanting to get out on the big laugh. Madison.

Hi. Welcome to the show. How are you? Good. How are you? You have a porn star name. A little bit, yeah. Madison Sinclair.

Actually, it used to be a porn star in the 80s, but she died of a cocaine overdose, so it's all my name now. That really was a porn star? Yeah. Wow. What a cool theme we have going today. My mom, right after I was born,

she was driving, and I guess they drove past a strip club, and she was like the special performer, and they had no idea. My parents looked at each other, and they were like, fuck. so and they had no idea so they looked at my parents looked at each other and they were like fuck

wow oh after you already had the name yeah you were a newborn infant yeah the bad that's such a funny story because it's not like

your parents couldn't have been like fuck let's change her name right they were like fuck oh well yeah

I guess like they were just banking that she would die on a cocaine overdose so it worked out right and now here you are how do you make your money Madison I don't actually right now It's like they're just banking that she would die on a cocaine overdose, so it worked out. Right. And now here you are.

Yeah. How do you make your money, Madison? I don't, actually, right now. I was on a thing with MTV, and it just finished. What do you mean you were on a thing with MTV? I was casting for the show called Epic Game Show, and it was weird because it's basically like a physical. It's supposed to be like Double Dare. But you were casting?

You were a casting director? I was for a little bit. I did it for a night. That's cool. I thought you were really funny. I did for a night. That's cool. I thought you were really funny. I thought you were awesome. You did a good job. You're amazing.

I thought that was a great joke. That was funny as Santa. It's really good. So you guys thought she was really good, right? Just good stuff. From start to finish. There weren't any laughs, but sometimes that's what you want. You know what I mean?

You ever do any casting for National Geographic? Because I know a couple rhinos that would love to do a pop-in. Madison, how long have you been in stand-up? Two years. Two years. You get up a lot? Yeah, I try to go up as much as I can. I go up four times a week.

Before casting for MTV, how were you making money? Before that, I was working on The Soup for a little bit, and then it got canceled. Casting for The Soup? No, I money? Before that, I was working on the soup for a little bit, and then it got canceled. Casting for the soup? No, I was finding the clips on the show. Wow. You cast for the soup, and then it spilled. Oh, shit.

The true soup joke over there. Actually, I was thinking about just doing stand-up full-time and then trying to do something with Care.com, and I found out that there's a lot of scams. Basically, if you want to watch people's puppies, they pay you money. So that's where... Puppies only? Kids too.

Only the young version of things though? Like no, you can't watch a dog. It's only a puppy, a kitten, a baby. I think you can watch full-grown dogs too. Wait a baby. I think you can watch full-grown dogs, too. Wait a second. How do you... What is it? It's like a website.

And if people need their dogs or kids watched, you just make a profile. I was going to do that. It's like an app or something? That's so funny to think of a parent. Is there a random stranger that can watch my child for a while? Right.

Somebody that I could just trust with my dog, but might want to give him a chance at the big leagues. Yeah, maybe somebody that's worked in casting on Epic Game Show. Yeah, go for it. My friend just uses Uber to babysit their kids. Just puts them in the back seat. Yeah, I'd like to drive it to San Diego and back. That's cool. But you never ended up

doing it. Yeah, I found out a lot of them were scammers and they got my number and I got involved in a lot of scams through that. So I've been doing that for the past two weeks. And so I decided to fuck with them as much as I could. Wait, hold on. Can you expand? I feel like you're going into a bit, but I want

to actually know what's going on. Okay. Well, basically what happened was I decided that I was going to watch. She starts crying immediately. Yeah. Yeah, I was going to watch puppies and then do stand-up because I'm 21, and I think that that's my plan, basically. That's good.

Yeah, really optimistic. And these people started messaging me, and they said, Hey, we want to pay you up front for four weeks. We're going to give you a check for $2,500. Oh, shit. I think I can guess the rest of the scam. They give you the check. You go, you cash the check and send them money,

but it's a fake check. Yeah, that was me, dude. That was you? Yeah. He doesn't even have any puppies. But this one was actually for a kid because I decided I'll watch a kid and they got really detailed with the lie they were like oh it's a baby

and it's disabled so it's going to be in a wheelchair and we need you to use the money wait a second this sounds suspicious from the get right a wheelchair for a baby don't we call those strollers? It's gonna be a baby in a wheelchair.

Tony, don't you mean a stroller? How was the English syntax in these emails they were sending you? Was it on point or fucked up? It was fucked up. I knew something was kinda up with that. It's a baby in a wheelchair. Look, it's not one of these walking babies that you see everywhere. Nor is it a sprinting baby that you may have seen.

Mine dear Madison, me have tell you big story of big sad in my heart. Small baby mine have big sick in leg. No walk. Can't. Me send 2,500. You put little money in your bank. Send me big money.

P. Wire. P.S. Me saw this drag queen thing, drag not like minstrel show at all. Brought it full circle. Then you said that you've been scammed a lot lately. Did you say that? Yeah, I got a lot of texts from it. Oh, from the same person, though? From the same thing?

I think it's just a huge thing that's going on right now. But I fell for the first one because I didn't send money, but I was contacting her for a while. And she wanted me to use the money to buy a wheelchair. So I was like, what the fuck is the kid doing now? An adult wheelchair? Yeah, there's a different app for that. A special wheelchair, they said. Wow. I feel like everybody has to go through.

You ever been scammed? I feel like everybody has one scam in their life. And then you go, okay, I'll never get scammed again now I get what that feels like it's happened to me I bought some speakers out of a van once and then I was like okay cool I lost $150 and I'll never

get scammed by anybody again what happens when you get the speaker scam like you get like broken speakers in a box the speaker scam isn't even that good of a scam from their perspective they come to you and they go like oh shit I'm a speaker delivery guy and I got these speakers. There's an extra pair of them that wasn't on the invoice. I'll sell it to you right

now for $150. I've had this happen to me. I didn't do it. And you think, oh, I'm getting over it because they tell you it's worth $900 and then you look it up and it's worth $75. They just pressured you into basically buying a pair of speakers. That's their big scam.

This is more legit. No puppies in the box or anything like that. I just want to know what the word scam means. Really? Yeah, they keep talking. It sounds like a cool band name, but I don't know what the heck it means.

Okie dokie. Madison. Madison. Yeah. Tell us something else interesting about yourself. Okay, so I moved out here seven months ago. From where? From Orlando.

Whoa. That's a creepy place, right? Oh, yeah. I'm curious. Is anybody in Orlando not named after a stripper? I don't think so. It's all porn star names. Even Tony Orlando.

So your plan is to do stand-up for a living? Yeah, I'd like to. Yeah. I mean, like now, though? Well, I wanted to do that to fund myself and then just do a bunch of my... Oh, you just wanted to stop working so you could focus on stand-up. Yeah. Oh, okay.

So now that you're done working and you're fully focused on stand-up, how often are you performing at night? I've been performing... I haven't been performing that much, honestly. It literally just ended. So I'm just trying to figure it out right now. How long ago did it literally just end? Two weeks ago.

Two weeks ago? Yes. So you've just been sort of just chilling for two weeks. I've been writing. I wrote a pilot and doing things like that. You wrote a pilot in two weeks? Yeah. No, she wrote a letter to a pilot in two weeks. Dear

Jeff. My dearest Admiral Jeff, I am sending the 2500 along with the wheelchair as we speak. Been doing some serious writing. Well, that's fun, Madison.

That's interesting. What are your parents like? My mom is a makeup artist and she's cool as fuck. She has blue hair and half her head shaved. What's the cool part? She's got HPV.

Yeah, I mean, she probably does. Have you ever thought about that? Does what? Well, I mean, blue hair,. Have you ever thought about that? Does what? Well, I mean, blue hair, half-shaved, normally someone like that would be the type of person to have a serious STD. Jesus. By the way, HPV's not a serious STD.

Every single person here has it. Yeah, pretty much. Except Pat. Yeah. Yeah. Except Pat. Which is strange because he's one of the horniest guys up here.

You know what I'm saying? Fuck you. Where's my gunshot when I need it? Do we talk about the bit still? No, we can if we want to. It was just sort of like... A loose interview show. If you just want to get into it,

you could always just go straight into the thing that you said 25 seconds in, which is I feel like drag queens are really just white women doing blackface or whatever you said. And they've got these terrible names like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The funny part was way buried underneath tons

of subcutaneous fat that I just didn't... Literally, a bit about drag queens was covered in all this stuff that you didn't need. Like soot and shoe polish. Right. And the joke was sort of... Meanwhile, the meat of the joke

was sort of tucked underneath all the stuff that you were saying. Also, that was a great joke, Tony. I want to acknowledge it. Also, what was funny about it was there was a joke in there, but the thing that you were covering it up with

was very uncomfortable race stuff. It was like, you could have gotten to the joke, you just say minstrel show and then do the joke, but you're like, you guys familiar with a lot of minstrel shows? Basically, like a black guy, well, a white guy would come, he would smear his face with soot, and he would dance around like a monkey. It's like, no, don't do that.

I was like, why are you doing that? Stop. It's super racist, just like the sound effect Brian's playing right now. Well, I was surprised to learn how few people actually know what menstrual shows were. That's true. People are stupid. Like, I thought people would just know what it meant, but. Yeah, some people don't even know what the fuck a scam is, so, I mean. She's like, to be fair, I have been performing it exclusively in Orlando, and they don't

know what anything is. Also, if you want to do a bit about minstrel shows, make sure that you pronounce it minstrel and not menstrual, which is how you are pronouncing it. And a menstrual show

is a completely different thing. It's a different color that they smear on their face. It's a lower east side. It's how this stage got its nice red tone was from having

many minstrel shows back in the roaring 20s. Have you ever heard of a minstrel shot? They have like these things instead of putting menstrual shot? They have these things. Instead of putting tampons on heavy flow days... Stop now. I stopped listening almost instantly.

Did you see the guy that ate the rat? What the fuck was that? I sent that to you. Oh, God. You've got to stop sending me stuff like that. How many people saw the guy bite the rat head today? I was too busy getting Game of Thrones spoilers stuff like that. How many people saw the guy bite the rat head today? Yeah, the mouse head.

See, I was too busy getting Game of Thrones spoilers fucking thrown at me on Twitter because I was in Hawaii trying to have a good time, enjoying my fucking life and these bullies that I follow online, mostly comedians.

Yeah. Fuck these people, man. I know. They all want to make their fucking dumb joke. Like, oh, you know. It's like, it wasn't funny. Fuck you, man.

I'm trying to enjoy life. Why you got to be a fucking asshole, Madison? Just because they have nothing better to do than watch Game of Thrones the fucking second it comes out. Right. I'm cool. I got a life. So that's why I'm so upset about Game of Thrones spoilers.

All right, Madison. Well, you get it. You have to lose the setups. And one of the things that everybody does when they're first starting out, everybody does it when they're very first starting out, is they over-explain and you're giving too much information in the setup. And then you are explaining more stuff that we all sort of know about. And if they don't know about it, then they're so stupid

that they're not going to get the joke anyway. You know what I mean? So just fly through the good shit and then have more good shit and lose the bad stuff. I got this theory, too. Some of the most sound advice I've ever given on this show before. Keep the good shit, lose the good shit and then have more good shit and lose the bad stuff i got this theory some of the most sound advice i've ever given on the show before keep the good shit lose the bad shit i have this theory too about i i am kind of a snobby comedian that uses a lot of big words but i actually have this theory that people that even when they don't know the word you're using they

like it they like being talked to with like these big words because it makes them feel like, oh, you believe I'm – you trust me to be smart enough to go with you on this. Patton does it. Greg Proops does it. It's just – so I don't think you need to worry about people understanding. Jon Panette used to do it. Jon Panette. What was it? He only had big words because he was –

Yeah, they were all food words. He was like a lot of like au jus and stuff. Cannellonis. Yeah. Anyway. Hey, I had a joke for Madison. Uh-oh. You said you used to do

makeup for drag queens. Yes. Oh, yeah? I couldn't tell. I don't even know what that means. It killed. It must have meant something.

What's your tattoo on your wrist? Oh, okay. So I told my mom she could write whatever she wanted and I would get it tattooed on me. Wow.

Yeah, really risky. And she just like wrote her viral load on there. From the great writer of minds that brought you Madison Sinclair. Hey, thanks for the name, mom.

How about even more embarrassment? Imagine looking at a woman with half blue hair, half shaved head and be like, anything you want, go for it.

You're so lucky it's not a swastika. I can't believe it. Or like a penis coming swastikas. Yeah, I was pretty scared about that. So what did she write on your arm? Love you forever. Like the book Love You Forever, My Baby You'll Be. Oh, you hear.

Love you forever. Man, I just do not get tattoos at all. If you're going to say, I just do not get tattoos at all. If you're going to say that, just do not get a mother's love. I just don't understand that. I remember this one guy that I knew when I first moved out here fucking forever ago. And he got a tattoo. It was never a guy that I really liked. I think I just sold pot to him or something like that way back.

I'm talking like I'm 20 or 21 hanging out with my brother out here. And fucking he got a tattoo on his leg that said forget 2004 or something like that. Because he had a bad year in 2004. I'm like, what does that tattoo say? He's like, forget 2004. I'm like, what happened in 2004? He's like, my grandma died. It's like, dude, if you want to forget 2004, don't write it on your fucking body. So I never really made friends with that guy. I was the loser that got the Asian symbol that I thought meant like an R for my last name. And then this Asian girl came up to me a couple years ago

and was like, why do you have that on your arm? And I'm like, what do you mean? It's an R. It says waterfalls. Okay. Oh, I think he was ready. Can you guess who had that story queued up?

Does anybody want to take a guess? No, Ray-Ban was like the whole time, how can I do Waterfalls? How can I do Waterfalls? I thought, oh, you don't. I actually had Waterfalls as the next song to play, and then you started talking about shitty tattoos and reminded me of my dumb tattoo.

All right. Madison, there you go. You did it. Welcome. Thank you. Madison Sinclair. She's on Twitter. It's sick and satired. We can get through some people tonight. This is an exciting time. You guys having fun or what?

I pulled another name out of the bucket. How about Chris Osborne? Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne.

Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne.

Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne.

Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne.

Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne.

Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne.

Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne.

Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne.

Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne.

Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne.

Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. Osborne. How's the, how's the, how's the waterfalls that you know? Right?

Right? Hey, did you guys ever realize how every good night of sleep you get is like a movie trailer for dying? You get a good ten hours, and you're like, oh, that's what it's going to be like. I can't wait. Hey, hey, you guys hear about this Moshe Kasher's honeymoon tour? I hear next they're going to the moon. Wow. I've never on this show

heard somebody get so many laughs from doing absolutely nothing whatsoever. Well, that's a perfect example of stage presence. Not a real single joke. That's a perfect example. Yeah, it's a perfect example of only stage presence. No, he had one joke. That's what's so funny.

He had one one-liner, and he's just like, all I've ever written is one one-liner. Let me pad it with this completely constructed persona. That's what's so funny. He had one one-liner, and he's just like, all I've ever written is one one-liner. Let me pad it with this completely constructed persona. How do I pad an extra 50 seconds onto this 60-second set? Chris, very likable. Oh, thank you.

Thanks. Oh, it wasn't a persona. Awesome. You're retarded. I can't help it. Oh, shit. Was she in the business? No, I thought, I mean, I liked it. Honestly, I liked the beginning.

Because there was a moment when I, in your position, would have bailed. I was like, oh, he's going to bail here. And then you didn't bail. You were just like, no. Louis Armstrong. One of the things that always happens is the comedians, you know, the comedians can influence a room and comedians laugh hard when other comedians

are struggling or committing to something much more than they should. I mean, I know a couple of these people were just losing their shit because I looked at them with the look of, why the fuck are you laughing that hard at absolutely nothing whatsoever. I thought it was funny. But then that builds some momentum

and then it starts over there. It's like a little wildfire of accidental laughter that you're able to get. There's a lot of comedians like that, though, that use that formula where they just pretty much go on stage. Oh, yeah, totally. They're called bad ones. I'm not as... I don't hate it. I thought it was funny. I liked it, actually.

Honestly, it's a little bit like an Easter egg. Not everybody knows that the L in TLC actually stands for Louis Armstrong, so I thought that was funny. I liked it, actually. And honestly, it's a little bit of an Easter egg. It's like not everybody knows that the L in TLC actually stands for Louis Armstrong. So I thought that was cool that you finally. That's a good one. I'd like to thank the Academy. I'd like to thank my agents. But then I was like, okay, what's up with the joke? Because I think that's what you were feeling, too.

Like, okay, cool, you've done this padding a Fozzie bear thing. Like, now what's up? And then you did one real joke. I was like, okay, maybe he's got jokes. And then you did a riff about me, which I didn't like that part at all. No, I like, but you know what I'm saying? Where was the next joke? When you do longer sets, do you often, are you like sort of a more,

like you improvise a lot? Is that sort of your thing? You're sort of uncomfortable. You acknowledge the room or the music that plays you up and things like that and just sort of roll with it, or do you do more of a set-set? You were just playing the room here tonight. Well, I have a bad memory.

So I try to improvise as much as I can, but I do have jokes. Like, I got them. They're in there. They're in them. They're in them. They were in there? They're in there. They're in there. They're in there? They're in there.

They're in the mouth somewhere. Got one for each tooth, Tony. I love that. It's hard to wade through your personality to figure out what's really happening here. That's what everyone that's ever met me says. You have an interesting one.

It almost feels like when you were a baby, you may have fallen out of your wheelchair. There you go. Fuck yeah. A waterfall's timing on that one. Madison jumps up, throws money on the stage. I thought you were funny. I think, obviously, you've got a lot of funny persona vibes,

and I just wanted to hear more jokes. The last joke about me was like, I didn't, I mean, I thought it was entertaining because I like hearing my name, but I just didn't think it was necessary to prove to me that you were a good comedian. I wanted like three more of those one-liners. I want to know more about you, Chris. I want to know more about your

real life. Where are you from? I'm from... Hey, Chris. Awesome town. Do you know where you're from? That's right. Are you from Austin? You're the only person that ums like we're in Vegas or something.

The party's just getting started. Let me think about this one for a second. There you go, Brian. So good. There you go. Almost pointless to do it at that period. He just plays Waterfalls by TLC again. So what is it,

Chris? I was born in Santa Barbara. Oh, cool. Yeah. Parents have a lot of money? One of them. Yeah. That's it. Do parents have a lot of money? One of them. Right. That's funny. Wait, you grew up in Santa Barbara or what?

Because you look like that murderer from Santa Barbara. That's cool. Oh, oh. He's such a dick. Somebody's got a fan here. That's cool.

But he does look like him a little bit. Let me tell you, I went to IV and I did not kill. Right. Tony. So what does your dad do for work? Oh, see, my dad's not the rich one. My dad's a dermatologist and he's the only reason I'm in San Pablo.

My mom's Brazilian and she's rich as fuck. Wait, your poor parent is a doctor? Yeah. Yeah. And your poor parent is a doctor? Yeah. And your rich parent is a Brazilian? Man. Do you know what rich means? Everything is backwards about you. Do you know what rich means?

Oh, did I say rich? I mean poor as fuck. My Brazilian mother is so poor. How's your Brazilian mom so rich? So my grandpa, he imports surgical tools to the South America.

That's a lot of money. Yeah. Can you say dermatologist? His dad's a dermatologist. His mom is a Brazilian heir. I do first aid. A Brazilian knife heir. Wait, wait. How much of this is real?

Oh, all of it, man. People don't think I'm real. They're like, you just jumped out of a comic strip. You get back in that book. We get it, Chris. You're super likable. And because it works for you, you're never going to change it. I have no friends, Tony.

I promise. I have fucking friends. I had a conversation. In Chris's defense. You had a conversation with him before the show? I had a conversation with Chris a couple weeks ago outside of the comedy store and I was just stunned. I was like,

what is going on? Chris, what do you do for work? How long have you been doing stand-up? Answer that one first. A year, almost a year and a half. You do a lot of spots? As many as I can. How do you make money?

I'm a PA. Where at? For a show on TNT called The Last Ship. I think I've seen that. How do grips treat you? How do grips treat you? You're like, hey, I need a stinger. Hey, I need a stinger.

Are you somebody's personal assistant in particular? Like one person that you're assigned to? Like a PA on set. Like one of those production assistant guys. I actually work post. Wow, really? Yeah, you work post-modern. I've seen your persona.

I'm just taking posts off. Whoa, what? Somebody made a funny noise at that one. I think you're funny, dude. Obviously, you know what's interesting is that people with this kind of weird, whatever this is, they often go into one-liner stuff. Like Joe Pera has a vibe like you. You like him?

I like Joe Pera. Joe Pera's awesome. He's really funny and got a very like you. You like him? I like Joe Perizzos. He's really funny and got a very strong persona. After I saw his Tonight Show set, I texted my friend who lives in New York, like, is this real or what's happening with his personality? So I think you're

sort of going in the right direction. Do you mostly write one-liners? Yeah. I'd say the majority of what I have is one-liners. Cool. I think you're funny. You'll be good. You want to do one more before you leave? Yeah, totally. Of course. Yeah.

Instead of just humming a song for 36 seconds. It's a good opener, though. It's not. It worked. Nobody else tried that. Ever. You really hate stuff like that? I mean, it's just sort of cheat mode.

You know what I mean? If you just commit to dog shit, people will laugh at 35 seconds. That's his whole... My strategy. They really will. Some will laugh in the beginning because they're like, oh, it's cute, and then all of a sudden,

especially in a room where there's a stack of comedians. I could hear the hatred in your laughter. Let there be no confusion. I was built in open mics and in the darkness in the middle of the night. I know comedian hate laughs, all right? I don't agree with you at all. I don't think these people thought he was like that. They're laughing at

me saying they were hate laughing. They were fucking hate laughing. I don't think you would get as many laughs doing that as he did because you don't have the persona of this like whatever again. That is kindergarten dog shit to me. I could do it at my sleep. I don't think

so actually. Can I have a gold star? Ask Brian. Brian just we were talking about a couple days ago. You said that you like Goofy Tony more than any other Tony. I do. I don't bust it out a lot but when I'm Goofy I didn't say you can't be goofy, Tony. Oh, come on. I'm just saying that there's something about...

Your persona's very straight. You are you. You're pretty much the same person on stage as off. There's a little heightening. Again, this is like Pica. I had lead paint situation growing up. So it adds... It's auto-comedy. I don't think it's cheating as much as you're saying it is

Look I'm not saying you're shitty Chris I'm just saying I didn't like The beginning of your set I thought the joke was good I get commitment that's why I like bringing Pat Reagan back every week If anybody Believes in commitment

And just letting an artist Be an artist it's artist. It's me. But, you know. What I will say to your credit, Tony, is maybe when you have one minute to showcase yourself as a comedian, don't fuck around for 35 seconds of it. That's true. Do one joke and then go back and fuck around. Because if you can get that laugh that you're getting from doing that from your material, if you believe in it that much, then get to it. Yeah.

Tony's like, if you've got shit to do, do it. Don't just bullshit. Right. Because I think you do have shit to do. That's why I almost never ask anybody if they want to do another joke when they're up here, but it's sort of like, I want to see more of the actual you rather than...

Well, this joke better be good. No. You guys, you guys. I have a lot of addictions But my worst one I'm addicted to therapy You son of a bitch It works

It fits I don't know who to see about it There you go. See, that's what I'm talking about. I think you had those in you. Okay, sure. There you go. Chris Osborne.

Under the part where most people leave their Twitter handle, he just wrote the word Facebook. He's still killing. He's killing in the comments section. Not only that, but he scratched out something and then wrote Facebook, to be exact. He's like killing. He's killing in the comments section. Not only that, but he scratched out something and then wrote Facebook, to be exact. He's like, Friendster, no. Too soon.

I love it. Do you remember anything? I've probably asked you this before, but I want to ask you again. Do you remember anything you did when you very first started that you can't believe you did on stage or that ended up being different than how you turned out? Oh, yeah, for sure. I still do it to some small degree,

but I've learned how to harness it. I think I must have said this on this podcast before, but I was definitely like, I grew up in Oakland, and I thought everybody in Oakland in the 90s thought they would try to be black, have a hip-hop black vibe. And so when I started comedy, I hadn't done that for a long time.

It was just the way that I was raised. But I started doing it on stage, and I could tell very clearly. It was just me feeling scared. So I was like, what's a good defense mechanism that I used to do when I was in Oakland Public Schools? Oh, this is good. And eventually that sort of fell away. But that would be my thing. I would be like, the guy that looked nerdy but was actually like...

What would be one of the most hip hop things that you would say like I would talk about like the different like poets that I liked and stuff like no just I'm talking about in terms of slang and affect you know what I mean what's that yeah Gretzky was like probably my favorite rapper

back then but yeah when you say slang like you can't you just you mean like the way that you said the things that you Yeah, yeah, yeah. God, I'd love to hear some of that. Yo, yo, yo, what up? It's me, Moshe motherfucking Kesha! It was done with

tongue in cheek. It was done ironically, but then the irony was really just a defense mechanism. So at any rate, now here we are today. For example, I talk about this is like, I have a, now here we are today where I will, like for example, I talk about, this is like, I have a bit now I'm working on

where I'm talking about Natasha's period. Yeah. And, and, you know, like every month, you know.

Which reminds me, her show, Another Period, just got picked up by Comedy Central for season three. Season three, yeah.

We premiere June 15th and I'm actually a producer on the show as well. Oh wow, you must know somebody on the inside. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we premiere season season two premieres June 15th and then season three just got announced for our third season pickup. We're very excited. So awesome.

Yeah, love is good. At any rate, oh, I do a sound effect where I'm like every month she comes in and she's like brrra, brrra, brr brrra brrra so little things like that little hip hopism I still have some of them but most of them have fallen by the wayside

still give us a little taste of that open flavor every once in a while you ever wear a FUBU shirt? no I would not say I went that far I've always been well dressed I wore a FUBU shirt

did you really? yeah my mom bought it for me it was a yellow FUBU shirt I didn't even know oh you didn't know what you were wearing no I was going to Six Flags with all the couples who didn't understand that they were all about PDA. Well, FUBU blew up so hard.

It's funny now. You can see dads in FUBU, white soccer dads in FUBU gear, which is really funny. It's for us by us, but some 50-year-old Republicans, like, for you by you. Papa Fubu. Yeah. It's so funny that you would wear something that is nothing like the type of animal that you are. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I was thinking just that. All right. Fubu. Yellow one. How old do you think you were? I was like 11. I'm a little older than you, so I did Fila. That's what I wore when I was young.

I had a whole Fila outfit. In fact, it was my nickname at rehab. They called me Fila. Really? Yeah, straight up. Wow. Like some girl one time was like, oh shit, you're Fila?

My first taste of fame. Speaking of first taste of fame, this looks like a brand new name that I've never pulled out of the bucket before. This should be interesting. Put your hands together for Suzy Montana. Ooh la la. Suzy Montana.

Suzy, go back to Montana, Suzy. Yeah. Fuck you, Suzy Montana. Allie, go back to Montana, Susie! Yeah. Fuck you, Susie Montana. All I have in this world. This person's definitely here. Good handwriting, always present. Put your hands together for Lonel Price. What's up?

I feel like I got called on the prices right. I was like, yeah! And before I start, y'all give it up for my girlfriend. Her and her husband just celebrated their three-year wedding anniversary. And everybody, y'all follow me on ChristianMingo.com. My username is GodlyPenisDick. I tried to put GodlyPenisD Dick, but they didn't allow cuss words. But, fellas, y'all ever been in the car and them awkward-ass radio sex commercials come on just attacking us out of nowhere?

It's like, do you have a small penis? Can't get it up? Are you not satisfying your woman sexually in the bedroom? Well, I have some great news for you. Try our new product called Extents, where you can finally pleasure your woman. And as soon as the commercial went off, I was in the car with my grandma,

and she laughed, and she was like, your granddaddy need to call that number. I done had my mistress for 40 years. Ernest been putting it down since the 70s. I said, Grandma, you ain't shit. She's like, oh, hell, don't judge me, boy. Judging by that, you've been single for the last three years. Your ass need to call that number.

And I'm like... I'm like... You're funny. I really like you. I was trying. I was trying. I was trying. Everybody just... How many times have you done stand-up?

How long have you been doing this? I've been doing stand-up for like a year now. About a year. Yeah. I bombed a couple times, so hey. No way. I bombed like Pearl Harbor, baby. Make that three.

That's a hilarious statement. Bombed like Pearl Harbor. Did Pat Reagan write that for you? You know, that old thing from the 60s. Yeah, Pearl Harbor is from 1941. Low-end price. Much like... Does anybody know what...

When did Pearl Harbor happen? What year is Pearl Harbor? I'm going to guess 1942. Anybody know? 1942. Who gives a fuck? Anyway. 41, you were right. Who gives a fuck? Yeah, I don't. It's my guess? 1942. Anybody know? 1942. Who gives a fuck? Anyway. 41, you were right. Who gives a fuck?

Yeah, I don't. It's a natural nightmare. Let's move on. Well, my dad cares. Why does your dad care? Because he's a fucking smart guy. And he reads David McCullough books about fucking John Adams and Henry Kissinger and all that shit. And he's a fucking smart guy.

He must be so proud that you have a piece of rhino nose pressed up against your face. You said my dad's a bitch? I heard that your dad's a bitch. No. I heard that. No. I mean, I don't know if he's gay, but. There have been some rumors to that.

I want to talk to Lonel Price. Am I saying that correctly? Lonel. Lonel. Lonel. El Peezy. Oh, okay. That's my rap name. Oh.

Is that really your rap name? No, no. I don't rap. I do comedy. You just do stand-up. I was a truck driver. Is that true? Really?

A loser. I didn't say you were a loser. That's so weird that your inner monologue told you that. I said really. He's like, a loser. Yeah didn't say you were a loser. That's so weird that your inner monologue told you that. I said really. He's like, I'm a loser. You're a loser. Yeah, I was driving for a company called Swift, which stands for

Sure Wish I Finished Training. You son of a bitch. Sneaking in another little joke. I have never seen anybody laugh quite as hard and as shocking as you do. Sometimes when I feel like I'm dying slowly on stage, I laugh at my own jokes. Yeah, it's insecurity.

It's fear and insecurity. Do you laugh in your sleep? Dude, I laugh everywhere, dude. I laugh, dude. Do you laugh during sex? I laughed at my grandma's funeral, which I regret because I was doing the speech at the time. I was like, I'm going to miss you, girl. Oh, shit. Really?

I died really slowly that day. I was like, never again. Wait. You're also filled with persona that I can't tell if it's real or not. You didn't laugh at your grandma's funeral, did you? Man, that was terrible. I did. You were just a bunch of likability. You're like a black

Chris Osborne. I don't understand. How do you make your money? Right now I'm doing Uber and Lyft like everybody. Uber and Lyft? Uber and Lyft. You take a picture up in a Lyft? Do you do a lot of material in that Uber?

Yeah, I got a couple jokes for that. You got some Lyft jokes? I got one. I get in your 93 Honda Civic, I'm a couple jokes for that. You got some Lyft jokes? I got one. I get in your 93 Honda Civic, I'm going to assume. And I get in, and I'm like, I get in the back, and I'm like, onward to Silver Lake. And do your opening bit. Yeah, what would you say to him? I'm in here, I'm texting, I got important shit going on.

Season three pickups, that's why I'm doing Lyft. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. We got to start. He just got into your car. What do you say first? Well, he don't really have to say nothing because they already typed the address in prior, but I did have a guy

get in my Uber, and he assumed I was going to guess where he was going. He just said, take me to Brad's house, dude. And Brad stayed about five hours away. So they charged about $300 to his credit card. And apparently, he typed in the wrong address. Like, he was that drunk getting him up. Holy shit.

It was very. All right, Lonnell. So let's go back to this original question. What kind of car are you driving for Uber? I got a 2012 Nissan Maxima. Nissan Maxima. You pull up. Moshe Kesher gets in your backseat.

He's on the cell phone. Hey, what's up, man? Silverleg, look at me. What's up, bro? I see you, man. All right. Just play it real, Lonnell. Do not try to be funny.

All right, okay, okay, okay. We want to see what kind of fucking driver you are. We've already seen your dog shit comedy. All right, don't try to be funny. Okay, okay, okay. We want to see what kind of fucking driver you are. We've already seen your dog shit comedy. Don't try to be funny. Look, look. It's funny. It's just, you know, it took me a minute to get to the punchline, man. What are you talking about?

It took you a minute to get to the punchline. I'm a client in your lift right now. Okay, where are you going, dude? Are you going to Brad's house, dude? Just because I'm white doesn't mean I know a guy named Brad. Every white guy knows Brad, man. But yes, I am going to see my friend Bradley. So you can't not be funny.

Or try, I mean. That's interesting. Terrible. So what's your Uber rating if this is how you act when you're driving an Uber? What are you going to be dealing with? 4.7. 4.7. 4.62.

Somebody gave me. 4.6?.62 4.6 I would cancel that ride immediately Somebody gave me a bet With like one star For what? Do you tell them some of your jokes? Maybe it's the guy you charged $500 Because he was so drunk

That he said Brad's house And you're like well I'm just going to type Brad's house into the GPS and first thing that pops up. I think because when she was getting out, I made her close the door. Her dress got caught in the door.

And you started driving away? That's a classic seduction move. Yeah. I was trying to talk to her, but she was married. You ever gotten laid out of a lift? No.

No, never? No. It'd be very awkward. You have a girlfriend right now? No, she left me. Oh, you tell her some of those jokes? No, no, I stay in Chicago. We both stay in Chicago.

She left me for a guy that stay in St. Louis, which don't make any sense because St. Louis is like five hours away. Like, what was this guy doing to take my girl? That is one huge dick, you know what I'm saying? Stretching it all the way from St. Louis to Chicago. Just like, here, you gotta take some of that. Arching over the Missouri River into

Chicago and back around. It had to be, it had to be, you know. She never told you why she left you for him? No. I mean, did you guys ever fight? Any suspicious reasons why you think you were pleasing her in the bedroom? You know, I seen it on Instagram. She liked a couple of his pictures. So I was like, I think that's the guy right there.

It goes down in the DM. It definitely did. It don't go down in my DM. My last message was from like 60 weeks ago. 60 weeks ago. I love how he knows the exact numbers to things. Oh, my Uber rating, 4.62. I didn't even know there was a second picture.

It was a message. It was a message from my auntie asking me, can I come back and cut the grass, which doesn't make any sense. Oh, shit. That means come trim her pubes. Go downtown. I know what's going on there. I have a question. Would you fuck your auntie?

What type of sick shit is that? After a delicious glass of mangrilla, he would. Well, it depends on where she hangs on the family tree. Whoa, that's the most racist thing I've ever heard a black guy say about his own black family. Oh, seriously. Wow. I mean, I guess you can get away with saying it. I can't say that.

I can only say that backstage with Tony alone. Before tonight's show, we were talking about this literally. Hanging on the family tree, Lonnell. No, like, you know, like the family tree. Like, is that your closest auntie? Like, is that your sister's mother? If she's your play auntie you could fuck oh yeah told you guys you uh you uh you seem very sort of like there's something sort

of like prince about you sort of like oh wait wait hold on hold on hold on yeah you're giving me the hand right now to prove to me that you're not princess by the way. I am not. I do not know why she left me for that guy in St. Louis. I cannot for the life of me figure it out. Hey, no, no. I wanted to get to my. Leaving me for a guy in St. Louis, just him and his little red Corvette. No, no, no. Speak.

I had a funny Prince joke I was going to try to say. Can I try it? Try it. My guess is much like Prince, it's going to be dead in no time. Come on. I can't support that, but I honor it. I was watching a documentary on Prince. Did y'all know Prince was a Jehovah Witness?

Could y'all just imagine? That's how you know you're trotting fresh territory comedically. Are you guys familiar with this? Yes, everyone here is. This is what we tried to teach you guys earlier. I bet you Prince was going door to door with his hit songs and stuff, giving out a presentation.

He'd be like, dig in this package. Are you engaging? Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. Are you interested in Jehovah's Witness? Can we get the George Zimmerman guy back up here again?

There you go. Y'all killing me, man. Y'all killing me. I love it. Launel, so tell us something else interesting about yourself. Do you have any special hobbies? Are you like a yo-yo master or anything like that? I could

draw pretty good. I went to art school for a couple... Are you Christian for real? Yeah. Because you mentioned Christian stuff and then you're wearing the Jesus shirt. But also you're talking about fucking a lot. And also you're homosexual. So that's all of that together.

It's mostly that part. Look how hard he danced to that. He couldn't help it. For you podcast listeners, Lonnell's shirt just flew off. listeners, Lonnell's shirt just flew off. Oh, shit. I prefer the what what in the butt song,

though. I said what what in the butt. I said what what in the butt. So, fuck yeah. So, Lonnell, we are figuring out that you indeed, like most Uber drivers, go both ways. Go both ways like the traffic. I love that. Interesting. how long have you been in los angeles uh two days i stay in the shitty apartment in la that should be a movie title where in la la is a county

you're only two days in so i didn't mean i think i stay on like oxford street or something man i i stay in a hostel, man. This guy put about me and about 18 people in like a closet. And he charges $1,000 a month to stay here. Did he take your passport from you? He charges 18 of you $1,000 a month. Wow. This guy is a pimp.

Like he's really fucking nice. Do you have to kiss him or anything? No. That's so interesting. You only speak in stand-up, Kaden. Yeah, it really is nice. Do you have to kiss him or anything? No. That's so interesting. You only speak in stand-up, Kaden. Yeah, it really is true. And by the way, that's the first time

when you were just explaining your living situation. It was the first time out of all this shit where you started talking normally and answering the question instead of trying to be funny. Yeah.

And it was the funniest thing. I mean, just the honesty was pouring out of you and you're not thinking about laughing at yourself and you weren't getting uncomfortable with it. It was really funny. The fact that this guy has 18 of you in a room

and he's charging you each $1,000 pretty much means that for one of the worst comedians I've ever seen, you're one of the only ones that I think needs his own business manager this early in on your career because $1,000 a month, Lonnell, you're getting fucked. What are you in L.A.

for? Just to do spots? Yeah, do stand-up. Oh, cool. And have you moved? This is my first time actually on stage out here. Welcome to Los Angeles, baby. Look at it. You're in the main room of the Comedy Store. This is where greats like Richard Pryor and Jim Carrey and David Letterman

and a lot of other people you're never going to be like have performed before. I'm funny. You're funny. I know. I'm just talking with you. You're funny. You're funny enough.

I think it's interesting that you only talk in stand-up. That's interesting. It's like, welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order? You're like, yeah. Have you ever heard of this Big Mac? It's so true. I mean, apparently you can supersize it,

and I'll have that, actually. I mean, apparently, you can supersize it, and I'll have that, actually. It only costs $3.2734. It's raining, man. I hate when I'm at McDonald's in order, and they be like... No, no, the other day I was at McDonald's, and I asked for for a number three and she was like, pull around, ma'am. And I'm like, I'm a guy. What the hell? You are so likable.

You'll be on a sitcom in like less than a year. It really is true, man. Like you are so likable. It's incredible. Thank you, guys. I appreciate it. Hey, I'm a big fan. Thank you very much. Thank you, guys. I appreciate it. I'm a big fan, too. Thank you very much. Right on, man. I appreciate that.

I'm a fan of you, too, man. I love it. We'll do that. You're not on Twitter? No, I'm just on Facebook. Follow me on Facebook. Lonnell Comedian LPZ Price. There you go, Lonnell Price, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes.

Look at him. This is what it would be like if Steph Curry never learned how to play basketball. Be like Lonnell. It's funny. Y'all need Jesus. Lonnell, where are you originally from? Chicago? Yeah, Chicago.

Ooh, I just pulled another name out of the bucket. Not only is this blatantly a new name that I'd remember if I saw it before, but it's also a one-word name, which is always some of my favorite names that I pull out. Always some of the most interesting characters in comedy go by one name. You may know some of them.

Gallagher, right? Yeah, sure. Prince was a one-name guy. Shirley. I just pulled... What was that? Shirley McClain Like Shirley Temple She did stand up and she was just a little baby thing

Pat just had a stroke There's a doctor that's a Kill Tony fan in the room We might need to get a little check up there Alright let's try this I'm going to say it how it looks doctor that's a Kill Tony fan in the room. We might need to get a little check up there. Alright, let's try this. I'm going to say it how it looks. Bradley's. Just came back from the most racist place on earth Xbox Live

You guys in it? I was playing against What he could be described as A midwestern 12 year old Hitler He had a cute gamer tag But it was kind of racist And cute at the same time It was

Nigga killer 69 He had a cute gamer tag, but it was kind of racist. And cute at the same time. It was, um... NiggaKiller69. He's like, I want to get to know this dude. At one point during the game, there was like five white kids chasing me, so I felt like a virtual runaway slave and shit. Like, what button do you press to hang a nigga up in a video game?

It's like, left, left, right, KKK. I don't even fucking... I'm not even mad about the fucking nigga part. I'm mad about the number part. 69. So there's like 68 other nigga killers just roaming around Xbox. I'm gonna play

the Wii where it's safe for my people. You know what I'm saying? Thank you so much. Boom! 59 seconds. That's how it's done for my people. Thank you so much. Boom! 59 seconds. That's how it's done. Bradley, am I saying that correctly? Bradless. You're funny as fuck. You've been doing stand-up a while. Three years.

Very, very solid for three years. Even just by a minute, I could tell you everything's there. Funny. Straight up. Straight up. That was good. And completely true, everything you said. Like, the most racist place ever. You from Atlanta?

No, no, Miami. Miami. Did you start in Atlanta? No, I started in Miami. I just moved out here like six months ago. Do you know that black people live all over the place?

Yeah. No, I do know that. What's your connection to Atlanta? Thank you, Moshe. Do you like Coca-Cola? Help me get you back to Atlanta. It's the funniest. A lot of the funniest black comedians

come from Atlanta. I always am a believer in if you start somewhere that's hard and crazy. You know what Atlanta has that Byron Bowers has told me about? A good friend of mine, great comedian. One of your best friends, right? They have a show called Keys Night. Oh, I know about Keys Night. One of your best friends, right? Yeah. They have a show called Keys Night.

Oh, I know about Keys Night. It's an urban show, right? The best. And it's just packed to the gills. And you go up on stage, and if an audience member doesn't like you, even just a little bit, they're allowed to take out their keys and start jingling them just gently. Wow. Just shake them.

So imagine what happens if somebody's bombing for more. I mean, people will naturally start doing that. So you have to start killing over the keys. But what ends up organically happening is everybody pulls out their fucking keys. People want to kill themselves. And, you know, that club is called, I believe, The Uptown. And I can't remember who it was. It was on Neil and my podcast.

It might have been Byron. And they were saying, oh, it might have been Byron And they were saying Oh it might have been Kevin Hart actually At the Uptown People were throwing food at him And they started throwing chicken at him Can you imagine what a difficult set that is I can imagine what their Xbox Live name might be

That you were funny Do you go by only your first name No no sometimes I go by my whole name. Your what? Bradless Falaktet. My last name is Falaktet. So, yeah, my last name is... Bradless what?

Bradless Falaktet. Falaktet. He's Nigerian, man. Back off. No, I'm Haitian. Damn it. You're no Haitian? I thought I was going to come through

like a genius. You're Haitian? Yes You ever been there? One time when I was like 7, 8 years old You remember things about it? What was that like? It was awesome

Picking mangoes from the tree, hanging out with my uncle Swimming in the water That was before the military coup happened We just left before that Haiti's a weird place because Is the Dominican Republic on the other side of it? Yeah military coup happened. We just left before that. Haiti's a weird place because it's the Dominican Republic on the other side of it? Yeah. It's one island.

Wait, this isn't one of the stops on the honeymoon tour? The Dominican Republic would be. That's what's crazy about Haiti. It's one island and on one side is the Dominican Republic, which is pretty stable and a tourist destination or whatever. Then there's just a ridiculous imaginary borderline in the middle of the island and then you get into Haiti, which has got some serious problems.

But it's one island. It always just tripped me out. But it flips back and forth, though. Like sometimes Haiti has the power. I thought you said sometimes one side is the Dominican Republic. And one side is Haiti. All right. All the poor people, bring the rubble.

Come this way. Bring the rubble. You're funny. I thought rubble. You were funny. I thought that was good. Really funny. How much material do you have, would you say? What's the longest set you've done? 26 minutes.

How long have you been in Los Angeles? 26. 5, 7, 8. Because I went over the line. I remember. And she was like, you did 20 fucking 6 minutes. I was like, oh. How long were you supposed to do?

Like 15. Wow. Oh my goodness. Yeah, that's a big one. But then it sucked though, so it was fine. It was disrespectful. Do you live in LA? Yeah, I just moved out here six months ago.

How do you make your money? I'm a doorman at a hotel. You're one of the funniest doormen we've had. You've worked at the hotel for the six months? Yeah, for the past six months. I've always been intrigued by hotels and the crazy shit that you guys must see. A lot of

stuff, right? Can you give us an example of something that's happened? So two weeks ago there was a German couple who didn't have American money to tip me with. And so they were very nice. Like, oh, we don't have any money to tip you. We don't have any money to tip you. We don't have any money to tip you. You just busted out one of Pat's four characters that he could do.

It's the German character. Even he almost forgot he could do it for a second. Oh, no, I remember. Oh, God. I feel like a little girl stuck in a little attic somewhere. So they just kept telling you. Yes, her name's Anne Frank. So they just kept telling you that they were German and they couldn't tip you.

They couldn't tip me, so they asked for ice. So they told me to bring ice to their room, and they specifically asked for me. I was busy doing something else. I was like, oh. Oh, cock holding. Yes. And the guy goes, I don't have money. Can you bring some ice up to room 208, because shit's about to

get hot. Yeah. I don't have any money, but my wife will like to give you a blowjob. Get the fuck out of here. You just almost stopped yourself in between blow and job, which means that I'm guessing that you took the blowjob.

No, I didn't. You know your hotel bosses don't listen to this. No, they don't listen to it, but I no, no. They don't listen to it. But it was like, I'm new to the job, whatever. So I didn't get health insurance yet. So I'm just like, wait. And then they have a sensor on your, like you open the door of the sensor so they could time how long you've been in the room.

Get the fuck out of here. How long does it take you to come? I thought you meant there was a sensor. They would put it around your dick and be dick and they can sense like milf juice on there like milf saliva like mmm yeah man that's an interesting one so he goes

my wife would like to he offers it to you and what do you say he pantomimed blowjob how did he pantomime that wow he did that yeah and then he just pointed at her what was his hand that wide open like because he knows that your dick's that girthy all right what what country were these people from germany oh oh he pantomimed he's like oh and then afterwards

was the wife hot was she she was like you know she was kind of she was cute she was like 45 47 like you could tell she had some like mileage like she has some well that's cute because that She was cute. She was like 45, 47. You could tell she had some mileage. Well, that's cute because that means she was alive during that dirty World War II time. She had some good-looking creases on her. You have no idea what World War II was. I know. I actually do. I actually know that I fucked up on that one pretty good.

Pearl Harbor was in the 60s. A 47-year-old definitely lived through the Holocaust. Yeah, I feel like I got it. You know, it's just one of those things, you know?

Like, I can't think of another one. When you said she was worn, like, her jaw just wouldn't shut or like... No, no, no.

Like, she was very, like, you can tell she was, like, really cute when she was younger. Yeah, she was perfect.

She's perfect for the race. She had what? She had lines, distinguished lines on her face. Those are gutters for all to come. So this guy goes, she wants the sake. What exactly do you say?

I did the stupid... I did a Japanese bow and said, no thank you. What the... I am so conflicted. Oh, God. That is so fucking great, dude. It is one of the access powers and I respect this

but I am upset that you have turned down my wife. Do you talk about this yet on stage? This experience at the hotel? Dude, the fact that you have turned down my wife. Do you talk about this yet on stage, this experience at the hotel? Not as my first time actually ever saying that. Dude, the fact that you Chinese bow your way out of this is unbelievable. It's so great. Do you ever do that for anything else?

It's pretty much probably a special Chinese bow type of thing. No, it just felt natural. Did you say anything Chinese? Like, oh, thank you. Again, you don't know about World War II. You know Chinese. Hello, I am a Chinese man. I fight a sumo in Beijing.

I eat a sushi, traditional Chinese food. I only know Bobby Lee. That's my only Chinese friend. And he's Korean. So that tells you exactly. Oh, man. Bradless. So fun.

Tell us something else interesting. Any special talents or skills other than stand-up? No. Any hobbies that you like to do? You have a girlfriend right now? No. Broke up with my girlfriend. Oh, shit. Why? Because she a girlfriend right now? No. Broke up with my girlfriend. Oh, shit.

Why? Because she started fucking a guy in St. Louis? No, I'm from Miami. That was the guy that was on before. It's a whole thing. You have to have a mild, short-term memory to get that one. I wasn't listening to that.

I got you. It's okay. I was making fun of Brian, not you. I would never want to insult you, Brad. I would never want to insult you. It's okay. I was making fun of Brian, not you. I would never want to insult you, Brad. I would never want to insult you. Well, I moved out here to do the dream and stuff, so there's no room for... Dream of cuckolding. I did it.

Wait, are you a sexual guy? Because it seems like I would have done this. I've been like, fuck this job. No, no, yeah. Everybody would have done it. Even he would have done it if he was allowed to talk about it right now. I don't know, man. You wouldn't do it?

I don't know that I'd do it. I guarantee I would have done it. I'll guarantee you, Pat would have done it. I wanted to do it. You just didn't want to hurt the poor woman's head, did you? No. No, I just... I was...

I'm afraid. I just moved here. I don't want to get fired for some stupidest reason. Why did you get fired? I fucked German... The best reason possible. That's how that story would end. Getting a blowjob is the best way to get fired. Even Bill Clinton,

you know, pretty much almost pulled it off. He's the leader of the free world. Well, what else, Bradless? Anything else? Any parting words? No, thank you guys. I was supposed to be on last week, actually. You guys called my name and then I wasn't available. You're banned? You're not even supposed to be on this.

You got blacklisted. But you know what? You're so black that the two blacks just cancel each other out. You're un-blacklisted. He didn't say, I missed it. He goes, I was unavailable. What do you mean you were unavailable? You got another gig in the original? Oh, no.

I was smoking weed in my car, bro. He's like, I was getting my dick sucked from this German 50-year-old. Well, there you go. Bradless, everybody. You just met him right here on Kill Tony. He's on Twitter at Bradless Comedy. Getting a light situation happening over there. What's that light mean, Josh?

You're just letting me know what time it is? Okay, so here's what we're going to do. We have two regulars that do a brand new 60 seconds every single week, and then we're going to go out of the bucket once or twice after that for a super bonus Kill Tony overload since we're in the main room. Is that cool with you guys? Super bonus. Great.

Kill Tony overload. Your first regular going up tonight is known for her always nervous stylings, always some advancement in it, and then maybe once in a while there's a little backtrack, a little apology mid-set, and then sometimes she just slaughters. Sometimes it's on purpose. Sometimes it's an accident. She is one of the newer comedians in the world, but she writes and performs a new minute every single week here on Kill Tony.

Here she is, Melissa Esslinger. The stage is taller, but I feel smaller right now. But my dad always told me to be a mover and a shaker, so I got half of that going. Anyway, fuck it, I don't care. I'm five feet tall and three-quarters of an inch, and that's important when you're five feet tall and three-quarters of an inch. I, like important when you're five feet tall and three quarters of an inch.

I like check every time I go to the doctor. I check when they still measure height and I check for that three quarters of an inch. Make sure it's still there. It means a lot to me. I just... It means that much to me now I just did that I just dove off into I don't remember

hey hey what do you think it was? hey um I really what do you think it was if you could think right now what do you think it was that you were going to talk about it was

do you remember now or did you really not have anything I was going to do you still not remember because that's a possible answer as well I have two things let's just stick with not how many things. Okay. Yes, I do.

Do you now remember what you would have said 40 seconds in when you didn't say anything? Or are you coming up with something else right now? Do you remember what you were going to talk about? What I was going to open with? No. Wait, what? When you said that you just forgot what you were going to do next. Now I remember.

What was it? Is this like who's on first? Sort of. It's like who, who, what, what, what, what, and who's on first? It's like a lot of... When I need to feel confident, I'm like, I'm five feet of fury, bitches. So I was going to say that. And then move on to something different about the thing that I did.

Never mind. Let me see if I can put Tony's question in a gentler way. Your parents never loved you. Thank you. Yeah, no problem. What were your parents like? Let's get into it. Fuck the set because that's cute.

Your timing and beats and everything have it so that you can talk about your height and that'll work. Let's talk about your life for a second. What are your parents like? My mom's intense. And that's coming from you. Right. So how intense

is she? Just fucking sweating and rolling around on the ground? No, you just, sometimes. She's epileptic. She's epileptic. No, she's, oh, this. Melissa, stop hiding in your room! That's all I hear at night.

Oh, you live with your parents? No. Oh, okay. You just hear her voice all the time at night. Yeah. That's cool. That sounds normal. I'm going to get you!

Tell us something crazy about your mom. No, it's more like, shut up! Melissa, shut up. No, what? She tells you to shut up a lot? They used to. When I was a kid, not anymore. I talked a lot.

I really pushed the... Oh, it's your fault for talking too much? She's like, yeah, my parents had to scream shut up at me constantly. I was always talking. No, your parents were abusive. Then you went to live with your aunt and uncle, and then your brother was Harry Potter, and you were put in a cupboard.

That's almost right. No, I'm just kidding. Were your parents mean to you? No. Melissa, do you not want to answer that question? No, I mean, I don't want to. They're great. My parents did their best.

You're not giving us anything. Do you realize that? Okay, all right. No, you know, I got, yes, I realize that now. But how about now? Like, now that you realize it, what if you gave us something now? Like, for example. Well, like, we would sit down at the dinner table, and they'd make me turn the TV off.

But then when I would talk, they'd be like, we're trying to talk. We're trying to have adult conversation. I'm like. So they were great. They seemed nice. You know? Yeah, that seems like a really creepy household, no matter which way you slice it,

because you're not even saying anything. What? I feel like you slipped me drugs or something right now, just trying to listen to pay attention. You're going a thousand different places a minute, like, right now. This is the part where Brian states the over-obvious that we all say about you.

No, maybe in the future, instead of having multiple things, just talk about one thing so you can't forget about any of the other things. You have one topic, maybe. Like, for example, my tattoo. I once got a tattoo that I thought was the letter R, but... Don't go! You know what I mean, though?

Instead of having to remember three jokes, if you can't do that, or whatever, maybe just do one joke and just go off on that one joke for one minute. It's only one minute. What are you, six months into stand-up? No, more than that. A year. A year. Do you enjoy stand-up?

Yeah. Yeah. Like what about this did you enjoy? I don't enjoy doing, I don't enjoy feeling like I do right now. Why do you feel bad right now? Because, I don't know. Well, because we're ganging up on her. He's got a shark.

She's like a little woodland critter. The secret to comedy is just being honest. So, for example, we're like, were your parents mean to you? And you go, no? And you ask a question like that then we don't know whether you're saying no, yes, or anything at all. Meanwhile I ask Bradless a question about what

happens crazy at the hotel and he ends up Chinese bowing out on turning down a German blowjob. You know like I can find things I can help you if you just answer common easy questions that you definitely know the answers to help you if you just answer common easy questions that you definitely know the answers to but if you just go

then it ends up like this which will never work Melissa Esselstyn you are killing it tonight are you okay? what's happening? did you smoke pot or something? Did you poop your pants?

You got poopy in there? Who came all over you? Hey, let's be nice to Melissa. You just somehow dug yourself into a deeper hole than Melissa. Be nice to Melissa Esslinger. She's trying. Melissa messaged me earlier today, Tony. No, no, no.

Do you want me? Oh, wait. Go ahead. It's not like that. Now you have to. Breaking news over here, guys. Now you have want me? Oh, wait. Go ahead. Go ahead. It's not like that. Now you have to. We got some breaking news over here, guys. Now you have to because that made it weird. I don't understand. I didn't.

Something about you were going to play the bass? Yeah, I was going to do something different. Oh, yeah? That would have been cool. But I didn't want to. You were going to play the bass with your comedy tonight? I mean, I had a method that I was going to do. A method?

A method? Does method involve hair work? You're going to shake and then hopefully... I didn't like... I don't want to give it away because then it might not be funny. Right. Maybe the next time you'll do it.

Maybe I will. I think I should. But I didn't want to have a moment trying to figure out where to plug it in and all that shit. It's just saying um and then playing the Seinfeld theme. Yeah. Because she's so nervous.

It's like... But actually the thing... just to get back to what you said, the thing in the beginning was actually funny. That you're five feet tall and three quarters and that's a super important. I mean that's a funny idea. Just to give you a little bit of a boost. Thank you. Right. But that's always

the case is you always have one central great idea and if you just extend it on that more you know you have the brain for it. We've seen it time and time again but sometimes you just get a little too uptight and you can't even answer questions that you

know the answers to. Not to mention jokes that you just wrote this week that you're trying to memorize and all that. You might not want to talk about your parents when you come up here. Just to be fair, it's possible that's not a question you wanted to answer. But you could just be like, fuck off, Tony.

I don't want to answer that question. Yeah, exactly. That would be an honest answer. That's an answer. And that would give us something to work with. If you're a year in and you're still this nervous to be on stage or this shaken up to the point you can't even remember or you can't even talk

to the point, you've got to figure that out because it's not going to get any better if it's been a year. That's not true whatsoever. What Brian just said is wrong. You know what's funny is I actually stopped shaking when I got angry as you said that. So I think I just found that I need to be angry.

And what's interesting is the way that you eloquently bombed tonight is a huge difference than the way she was bombing six months ago. I don't believe that. I don't believe that at all. The last 20 seconds, she didn't even say one word. It was like... Right. It was like...

All right. All right. I'm getting too close. Moshe, please, everybody relax. We are live, ladies and gentlemen. To answer that note, instead of just talking over me, the note is, you're right, she didn't say anything the last 20 seconds. But six months ago, she would have apologized in that 20 seconds, said that she didn't remember anything.

She was actually trying to recollect and being honest with not remembering anything. Instead of just apologizing, bailing out, and saying that's my time. But those are words. Apologizing is words. Instead of going. If you're just tuning in to Mansplaining, we're live deconstructing this woman's psyche. We lost everything

tonight. Melissa Esslinger. There she goes, everybody. There she goes, Melissa Esslinger. She's not going to kill herself. I know a lot of you are worried. You think she's going to kill herself. She's definitely not going to kill herself tonight. That's a fun, nice, hard turn down. Sweetness lane. Put that emotion into the tonight. That's a fun, nice, hard turn down sweetness lane.

Just put that emotion into the bass. That's what I do. I go home and I just feel like a bag of shit. I bust out my guitar and I just sing, sing, sing, Tony. That's what you do when what? When I feel like a bag of shit. Right. You're saying that Melissa should feel like a bag of shit, right?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Give it up for Melissa Esslinger. One more time for Melissa, everybody. We have one other regular that writes and performs a brand new 60 Seconds every week. And as you've seen, what is one of the hardest gigs in all of comedy. A lot of the best comedians in the world don't write and perform a new 60 Seconds every week,

so it's always fun to see how they approach this challenge. One more time for Melissa Esslinger. One more time. And now I give to you our other regular. Put your hands together for her with a brand new minute. It's Vanessa Johnston, everybody. Here we go. Another great-ass nigga.

What's up, Smokey? Yo, my love, yeah. Hey, everybody. Here we go. Hey, guys. Fuck yeah. Awesome. No love. That's fine. The worst prison and torture facility in the U.S. is called Guantanamo Bay,

which sounds like a vacation destination. facility in the U.S. is called Guantanamo Bay. Which sounds like a vacation destination. Like it sounds like the place where they invented the rainforest cafe. Like at least other prisons sound scary. Like if someone told you you're going to Alcatraz or San Quentin, you'd be like,

oh shit. Someone tells you you're going to Guantanamo Bay and you're like will there be turtles I was looking up the 10 top worst forms of torture and they were like impalement which is like if you take a stick and you're in your you know uh rat in the bucket torture which is where they put a rat in a bucket on your stomach, light it on fire, and then the rat eats your body. And I was like, I don't know why stepping on Legos is not on this list. Johnston. Fuck yeah.

That's a good new minute. Thankston. Fuck yeah. That's a good new minute. Thank you. Guantanamo Bay. So what did we cover there? A bunch of jokes, torture. That's fun. Is that the entire thing? No.

You have more to it? A little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, I have like another 45 seconds. Oh, wow. That's really cool. So you've been writing a lot and performing other places too, right? Yeah, I go up like two, three times a night. What do you talk about? Cause I've

noticed the last few weeks that we were talking about, you know, sort of like exterior things like Guantanamo Bay and like politics and stuff like that. Uh, what are some things that you've been working on recently? That's, you know, sort of about you, any topics or anything like that? Or do you think there's a reason why you've trailed sort of away from that lately? Yeah, I mean, I think like, I feel like I got into a lot of like minutes that were all about me and I felt kind of guilty. Like, I'm like, oh, I'm going up in front of people

and being like, me, meh, you know? And I made a list of like the most, like the worst things in the world. And I'm like, I want the most like the worst things in the world and i'm like i want to talk about the worst things in the world and so i've just been like going down that list that i created i was going to go towards more personal stuff like i want to see what's on that list it was like what if it's not even that bad it was like kitten torture. Anyway. Puppy brain. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Exactly. Is this your first time seeing Vanessa Johnston? I don't think so. I think I saw them both before. I think since the changeover. Yeah. What do you think of Vanessa? I think she's bad.

I think she's bad at comedy. Thank you. No, that was funny. Yeah, it was funny. Those are obviously good developed jokes, especially for having written them this week.

You know, I mean, yeah. I think that was... Anything else fun happening in your real life? Anything exciting going on? I have a startup, and we just started raising money, so I've been sending that out. Oh, shit.

Wait, you have a startup? Yeah. Of what? It's called care.com. Just raising money for babies in wheelchairs. I mean, pretty much. No, it's in like luxury biohazard protection products. Maybe why I've been going.

That might be why. Luxury biohazard. So like if the world's ending and you're rich, something like that. Hold on, how old are you? 24. What kind of fucked up millennial shit is this? You started a biohazard startup and also doing two to three sets a night? When I was 24, I was just fucking Raver Girls. That was it.

You weren't even known as Fila at the rehab facility yet. Mr. Ragger and Mr. Lothario. What do you mean you started a biohazard company? That's crazy. Can you give us an example of what it is? It's like a Cadillac that you can drive.

Let's say you go to a high-end hotel room and there's just German jizz everywhere. You have to clean that up and move it? Yeah. That's a great question. If it's your jizz. Can you give us an example of a luxury biohazard product? I could, but, well, I just, it's our first product. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We just kind of want to keep it, you know. Right, keep it secret. Like, everything we're doing is, like, NDAs and, yeah. Oh, interesting. So, but in, like, six months. We're raising a million. We're, like, a quarter of the way there. What is your function at this job?

I'm the founder. You're the founder of the biohazard movement? Wait, you raised $250,000 already? Yeah, we're negotiating a better budget here. I mean, you know, I did business affairs and legal at HBO, so it's not like a huge deviation.

Yeah, it's a huge, huge departure from business affairs and legal at HBO to luxury biohazard startup CEO at 24. It's a big departure. I mean, a little bit. Did you hear the original job? What, business acquisition? Oh, I get what you're saying.

It's sort of like cleaning up the jizz of famous people. I mean, a 24-year-old being business acquisitions at HBO is sort of a big one, too. What the fuck is luxury biohazard? It's like mace with Bluetooth. I was so hoping you were going to say scam again out of nowhere. Full callback points. Well, that's so cool. I'm sorry, you can't say what it is?

Not really. You can't describe your own company? No. She doesn't want to give out the idea of a luxury biohazard thing before they actually make the products and be able to sell them because some little fucking, you know, who's that Facebook guy? Yeah, he's gonna go

steal her shit. Who's that Facebook guy? Zuckerberg? It's like those yellow decontamination suits, but they're like brand name. I don't know what the fuck. I don't know what the fuck. I don't know what the fuck. Moshe's so right. What the fuck?

24 years old. Did you guys all get the new Yeezy nuclear suit? Alright, well, Vanessa, you're a cold-blooded assassin. You did it again. Another brand new man. Vanessa Johnston, everybody. There she goes. What do you think?

One more? Oh, I'd love to. You guys want one more comedian? It's one of the least enthused responses of all time. But times like that where I really miss the belly room when everybody's right on top of you. This looks like a new name for sure. Kat Agasson.

Hey, do you guys like impressions? Okay, this is my impression of every guy in LA. I really wanted to put my dick in you, and so I tried really hard and then you let me, and now I don't respect you. I had a really horrible experience a couple weeks ago.

I was alone with this man, and he pulled out his guitar. Oh, God. It was so horrifying. I was like, dude, can I just blow you? It was awful. Worse than... So I... Shit. I object. I have a girlfriend. Girls are so competitive and strange. I was at my girlfriend's house for dinner the other day, and she made this sensational sauce. It was so good, but she wouldn't give me the recipe. I was like, she was like, no, you can't have my recipe. I

thought she was joking. She was so mean about it. She's like, no. I was like, she was like, no, you can't have my recipe. I thought she was joking. She was so mean about it. She's like, no. It's like, what? She thought I was going to, like, steal it. It's like, you think I'm going to take credit for your sauce recipe? Like, I'm going to get in the sauce business and, like, make my own sauce with your name? No.

Like, I'm just going to make it sometime. And if anyone asks, I'll be like, I got it from this cunt. Fuck yeah. A cat? Agasson. Am I saying that right? Agasson? Agasson? Agasson. Yeah, I got it from this cunt. Fuck yeah. Kat Agasson. Am I saying that right? Agasson? Agasson? Agasson. Yeah, you got it. Where are you from? Omaha, Nebraska.

Hell, you would have been stand-up. Yeah, it's a shitty town. Three, yeah. Oh, sounds like... It's a good point. It's a really good point. Sounds like Pat has some pent-up anger about something you may have said doing that. Is that a oney that you're wearing? A leo, yeah. What the heck is that?

A leotard. No, but what's the logo on it? Oh, you know the Chat Noir? It's a famous French print. No, I can't read it. What does it say? It means the black cat, the cat of the night. My name's Cat.

Oh, I see. Are you a yoga person? He did my show once. I've known her from El Cid days. Thank you. I've been a fan ever since John Travolta brought you back to life after snorting heroin. After that long night of swing dancing. A long night of swing dancing.

You won the trophy. How long have you been on stand-up? Three years. Three years. That's interesting. yeah how long you been on stand up three years three years that's interesting and how long have you been teaching yoga

never I don't like yoga actually I know I look like somebody that would I don't know I look like an idiot

I guess no an idiot he's insulted 6,000 years of culture in India yeah but like out here I feel it's more like

like about like a superior attitude, yoga. You know what I mean? Which is not my vibe at all. If you were to compare yoga to a guitar, would you like it more or less? Yoga is a lot like a guitar because it's like curvaceous women bodies. Like a guitar. Okay. Yeah, it's sensual.

But I don't do it. I'm too impatient. What are you into other than stand-up? I'm a single malt specialist for Glenn Livet. I'm a special needs nanny. Wait, wait, wait. What about Glenn Livet? Oh, I'm a single malt specialist. It means I'm good at scotch. Tony, I'm a single malt specialist.

Are you making fun of my lisp? I said yes, I was. Man. It's like I'm in the sixth grade again. Acknowledging the elephant in the room, Pat. The rhino in the room. That's wearing a cat shirt with a camel toe.

A lot of animal references here. Just kidding, guys. Did you see? I did a full-on head between the legs. Pussy check. I did a pussy check. Just kidding. So you do do yoga.

That's cool. No, no. I don't. So you drink a lot of scotch is what you're saying. When I work. And your hipster answer is I'm a single malt specialist for Glenn Libby. It's my job title. It doesn't pay enough to pay the bills, but it's like I moonlight.

On weekends, I do events for Glenn Living. Yeah, to make the big bucks, you've got to go babysit retarded kids, right? I am not cheap. You got it. Is that true? Is it expensive to have a special needs nanny? Absolutely. A lot of work.

How much does it? Well, I mean, you have to. I mean, I'm CPR certified. And you have to do CPR, and you have to administer shots and so forth. So yeah, I'm not cheap. You have to yell at them. Hey, don't jump off that cliff. Yeah.

This is a good rivalry going on over here. This is great. Pat, I mean you are just not letting up over there, huh? Except for when I talk to you obviously. All right. Do you ever acknowledge your lisp in your stand-up at all? No. You never thought about it, huh?

No. Maybe I should do. Do you think people don't notice it? I've actually never noticed it. Honest question. I noticed it, but I like it. You're right. I don't think that people notice it. They all notice it. Okay. I don't think that people notice it. They all notice it. I haven't known her for

almost 10 years. Josh Martin applauded in the back. So maybe I should shine a light on the problem. If you do, then Pat's not going to get that laugh. You know what I mean? Because he acknowledged it and it broke open. I love you. We acknowledge each other.

These two, by the way. I see you. I'm on the fence. I've done this show enough to where I know who Pat's gonna hate fuck and who he's not gonna hate fuck. And it's definitely going down. It's all love, Tony. Oh yeah, I know. Of course. I'm trying to turn a corner.

What's your type of guy? Are you serious about your hatred of guitar comics? Not guitar comics. Just guys without the guitar. Anybody who plays guitar, no matter what their sense of humor is. Just people that play the guitar unasked. I can't handle it. Well, if no one ever asked you to play guitar, then you would never play guitar.

And you would never learn and get better and write songs. I'll keep that in mind. This just became therapy for everybody. I sort of like it. It's sort of just trickling off into this hipster off that we're having over there. Wait, you think she's a hipster? Yeah, Tony. Oh, totally. She's not a hipster.

Not a hipster. Why not? I'll take it. There's a cat on her shirt, case closed. Why do you think no? Because we're hipsters. Yeah, look at me. I mean, it's like I would be able to tell. I mean, Moshe's on the hipster $5 bill. That's right.

It's actually a $2 bill. What part did you guys all give up, by the way? But I don't know what. I have no offense at all but this is an unusual outfit that you're is that yeah i suppose you're right are you like did you do it for comedy or were you from the gym or like yeah like i mean i just because i do so many things in a day like look after a kid and then like exercise and then comedy i just kind of try to put on something that's comfortable and you know you can wow yeah i guess so yeah comfortable and yeah that doesn't really make much sense it makes me you know you're going

oh oh i got you that that's the bruce lee shoes you know these are classics oh look at her shoes yeah the. Yeah, the yellow Asics. Those are very cool. Yes. Okay. Not hipster. Totally hipster, again. Not hipster. Would you consider yourself a hipster? Tony, Tony.

Do you live in Silver Lake? I live around the corner from Jumbo's. Okay, East Hollywood. That's good. Almost. Good in what way? That's a couple of points, hipster points if you live in East Hollywood. Am I living in a fucking

hallucinogenic nightmare right now? She's not a hipster. I love you so much. Heighten and explore that thought. Thank you. I will. She's a taster for Glenn Livet. That's pretty good. I'll give you that. That's pretty good.

Hipster is bourbon. Hipster is Kentucky bourbon. Now I'm starting to think maybe you are when you're Glenn Livet for a living. That's pretty good. I'll give you that. That's pretty good. All right. So her location, her job, the way she dresses. Hipster is bourbon. Hipster is Kentucky bourbon. Okay, now I'm starting to think maybe you are when you're delineating between the different types of women. Thank you. We're in there. What a hipster's like is bourbon.

I feel like a peaty, a more peaty Glenn Livety. I like some theater in my head. She's more like a Hollywood acting class yoga person. Yes. That's what you think. Yeah. Have you taken acting classes? A long time ago.

Do you have a newsletter that you email out? God, no. I have shame. No, I've never done that. What is something strange about you? Ooh, I love that question. That you pinch your upper lip when you're asked questions? Oh, oh, um...

I know the meaning of most names. Do you know the meaning of most names. Do you know the meaning of Moshe? I don't. It's like... It's a very obscure one. What does it mean? It's from the Bible. It means Moses.

It was the name of the character Moses in the Bible. He was a good character. I know that Brian means strong. Brian means strong. That's right. And I know that Anthony means praised. Highly praised. Yeah. How about Pat?

What does Pat mean? Fucking asshole with a guitar. Cat urinary. I don't know. How about Joel? Joel I think is a form of Joe which means God will increase. Means what? God will increase. It's biblical. Joel, Joe.

Totally a hymn. Moses is also biblical. It's a. Joel, Joe. Totally a hipster. Moses is also biblical. Yeah. It's a very popular character in the Bible. He was like, hey, let my people go. So Moshe is Moses? That's right. I like both of those names so much.

She doesn't like the Bible. It's too mainstream. You know what I'm saying? She's more about the Bhagavad Gita. She's a yogin. No, no. She's a liar. See, Tony, here's where you're wrong.

I like rail against yogis in a bit. I hate it. Here's an important distinction to make. Hipsters would read the Bible because they're just, you know, like, I'm interested. Because it's ironic, maybe? Yeah. Have you ever read the Bible? Actually, I mean, I went to Catholic school, so we had to.

That's actually the only book I have at Omaha. I went to Catholic school. How long have you been out of Nebraska? so we had to. That's actually the only book I have in Omaha. How long have you been out of Nebraska? Well, I was in New York for five years and then I've been in LA for seven. What did you do in New York? I nannied. Do you ever nanny while tasting scotch?

No. No, I don't. I have not. Is scotch the name of one of the kids you nanny? No. No, I don't. I have not. Is Scotch the name of one of the kids you nanny? No. No, not yet. Good answer. I'm kind of duplicitous.

I keep the Scotch over here at night and the nanny through the day. One last question, Kat. What's your biggest fear? Just everyone finding out I'm full of shit. Do you know what I mean? That I'm selfish and I don't know what I'm talking about. What's the most selfish

thing about you? Just that I'm very concerned with like other people's opinions about me. Even like maybe if they're going through a hard time I'm like I'm going to be a good friend to her so she knows that I'm a good friend because she's going through a hard time.

But really it's just like I'm proving to you that I'm – you know what I mean? Selfish. Everybody does it. Right now your best friend is like, I had cancer. She was so nice to me. You know, like breakups or things like that. I'm always like, I'm going to prove I'm a good friend. So you think I'm a good friend.

You know what I mean? What's your biggest fear? And so you think I'm a good friend. You know what I mean? What's your biggest fear? Just pretty much just like death, I guess. Yeah. Pretty easily. Every single day.

That's a classic. I pretty much spend about 20% of every day wondering how I'm going to die and thinking that it's going to happen that day. Are you worried about the way in which you will die? Because I'm not worried about that. My fear is the being dead part. What's really creepy is that I smoke cigarettes still and I don't want to and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But every time I'm smoking one,

even though I can be talking about multiple things and doing other things, I'm still thinking about how that cigarette's definitely killing me. I mean, every single fucking minute of it. It's sort of creepy. All the oldest people, all the people that are in the news for living the longest, they all have it. It's sort of creepy. All the oldest people, all the people that are in the news

for living the longest, they all have smoked. It's weird. Yeah, it's true. That's why, you know, no big deal. And honestly, every person who's ever lived,

they say, has died. That's true. Kat, it was nice to meet you. Likewise. There she goes. Kat, I guess. She's on Twitter at Kat Food Breath. You can catch her down in Silver Lake and Los Feliz

and all the places where she's blatantly a hipster. Not a hipster! Well, where do we go from here? I'm trying to see, is that her boyfriend? Because I could maybe tell by collateral damage, like spillover hipster. He's got flannelon and glasses. Oh, dude.

Maybe so. Are you guys together. Oh, dude. Maybe so. Are you guys together? Oh, whoa. That was aggressive. Is that your boyfriend? A hard no. Can you guys both come up for a second? Just for a second.

Here's Kat Agasson and her boyfriend. I'm so obsessed with winning arguments that I'm having her bring her hipster boyfriend up right now. Just so you can see exactly how fucking right I was. Michael Rogelio. You guys are so right. Not a hipster whatsoever, you motherfuckers. Look, this guy

obviously, he's got all the accoutrement. He's got the thing. That's good. By the way, I have no idea how, but you have more confidence and swagger already than anybody else that's been on stage. Thank you. Thank you. I had no idea that Moshe you have more confidence and swagger already than anybody else that's been on stage. Thank you. Thank you. I had no idea that Moshe's older brother would be here.

What's your name, man? Michael. Michael, you're cool as fuck. Thanks, man. What's your story? I was on the show for, I don't know, two months ago with Bill Burr. Oh, you were on that. Yeah.

I sort of remember that now. How'd you do? I did all right. Brian offered me the show At the Ice House We chilled out And what's your full name again? Michael Rogelio Well there you go, I'm right

She's a hipster, you guys have been dating for a while? We're not dating We're friends You just hang out with each other I was telling her about my experience here And I said she's got to come down. You guys just go to coffee shops and the virtual together and stuff like that?

Yeah, well, we read and write poetry. You mean Capacito Organico? You know, Pat, you were a little mean to Kat, so... Oh, shit. What's about to happen here? Wait, what? How was I mean? It's all good. Pat's amazing.

God bless him. All right. Very good. If Tom Petty could read books, everybody. There he goes. Michael Ruggiglio and Kat Agasson. Guys, this is the first of many Kill Tonys in the main room that are going to happen. Problematic.

Problematic. It may or may not happen. It's coming soon. It's still in the pilot phase, but I appreciate your comment. It that are going to happen. Problematic. Oh, problematic. Well, it may or may not happen. It's coming soon. It's still in the pilot phase, but I appreciate your comment. It's definitely going to happen. You just got the Kill Tony bump. But what is happening, the Kill Tony bump is HPV, correct? Yeah, totally.

But what is happening is the honeymoon tour all across the western United States. Go to motioncatcher.com and see all of our upcoming dates in May and in the month of June. We're coming to a city near you. Also one of my favorite people on Twitter, one of the few that I actually love, Motioncatcher, so make sure you follow him there as well. Thank you. Check out this artwork that Ryan J. Ebel did. Wow! The artwork from Ryan J.

Look at that! That's so cool. That is huge and amazing. Ryan J. is also selling the official Kill Tony poster after the show, so you can find one of those as you see them hanging up in the main lobby area as you walk out. That's a thing that you can buy. Pat Reagan's on Twitter at Patty Reagan. What else? Anything else?

I don't fucking care, man. He's got an album on Spotify. His buddy Joel Jimenez is the drummer of the hit band Pat Reagan and the Baby Boys. Yeah, we got new music coming out soon on all that shit. Always new music. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. Everything's available at TonyHinchcliffe.com. That's me. I'm touring absolutely everywhere.

So check out that. And check out Adam Carolla's Mangria. So fucking good. I mean, sometimes, you know, I go for a jog and I'm like, you know what? Maybe I should take water or I could get this fucking party started. Go for a little run with just a bottle of Mangria. I put in like 30-minute sprints.

You know what I mean? You're fucked up for like four days after that. All right. Brian Redman? June 9th, I'll be in Denver at the Comedy Works. Yeah, that's awesome. Guys, live audience, we just made history here tonight. Your first ever, thanks to

Kiel Eulberg, one-shot Kill Tony, and your first of many Kill Tonys here in the main room. Jamie Vernon on the HD camera, Josh Martin, comic running around, David Deary, Ryan J. E. Belt. Thank you guys so much. Have a great night, everybody. Take care. Take care. Woo!

Take care. I don't want to take care anymore. I listen to your voice