KILL TONY - KILL TONY #159

Episode Date: June 14, 2016

Dan St Germain, Jesus Trejo, Josh Martin, Jeremiah Watkins, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Joel Jimenez, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 05/30/2016 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Search iTunes for Kill Tony. Hit subscribe. And TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything else. Tony Hinchcliffe not only has some merchandise there, he has all his tour dates. He's going to be in Seattle, Washington, St. Louis, Oklahoma, Sacramento. There's a whole bunch of dates up there. Just go to TonyHinchcliffe.com to find out where the Golden Pony is near you. Also, Ryan J. Ebelt.

He's the house artist. He draws every episode. He also has a poster for sale. You can go to RyanJEbelt.com. This week, Death Squad is going to New York City. That's right. We're a part of the Skank Fest this year. This is Death Squad's first time being in New York City. Not only are we doing a bunch of different events with the Skank Fest, but Saturday and Sunday, that's this week, Saturday and Sunday, which is the 18th and 19th of June.

Death Squad, New York secret shows. There's two shows. I have a bunch of surprise comics and guests. So come out to Crake in the Key in Long Island City Saturday or Sunday. Saturday's at 9 p.m. Sunday's at 1230 a.m. It's the last show of Skankfest on Sunday. But check it out.

Death Squad secret shows this weekend in New York City. You can get tickets by just going to my Twitter or going to DeathSquad.TV and clicking on tour dates. Also, you can see all the other shows we do here at Death Squad when you click on tour dates. Not only do we do Kill Tony, what you're listening to right now, every Monday, but we do every Tuesday, we do the roast battle. And then every first and third Friday, we are usually at the Ice House in Pasadena, California. So check it out.

Just go to DeathSquad.TV and click on tour dates. And last but not least, don't forget ShopSquad.TV. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. Hats, t-shirts, mugs, everything. Go to ShopSquad.TV.

Alright guys, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony! Hey, this is Revan coming to you live from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 3. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe! Yeah! Hi, everyone. Yeah. We are back in the belly room live due to some scheduling things,

and we're moving back to the main room in a couple weeks. And hi, everybody. Welcome, live audience. Make some noise. It's like a real show in here. For those of you watching live on live Ustream right now, hello and welcome to the show. And we have a lot of fun things coming up. I'm doing Boston, the Wilbur Theater,

and a bunch of other fun gigs we're doing, and that's all available at TonyHinchcliffe.com. A bunch of other dates coming up. Crazy stuff. So keep an eye on that. Brian? Yeah, we have a Death Squad show here in the Comedy Store with Joe Rogan this Wednesday and June 9th I'll be in Denver at the Denver Comedy Works. Yeah, there you go.

Fuck yeah. So come check us out live, people that are listening to the show for free right now. And then there's you people here live at the live show. I am so excited to be back in the belly room you know the main room's fun it's a glorious place but you know this

is like this is home so I'm rationalizing a little bit the main room was so much fun last week and now we're stuck up in this shit hole again we'll be back though what a great turnout we had it was amazing we ended up having to pick up the sectional dividers of the room

and it ended up filling up twice as many people as we expected. Huge die-hard following here on Kill Tony, and one of the main reasons why in my opinion is not only because of how great the show is, but also because of its constant evolution. For example, what once

started out as an iron robot being the co-host ended up evolving all the way into one of the most talented musicians and risk-takers that we know, and some of the other most talented people and some of my most funny, hilarious friends have created somewhat of a band here. Put your hands together

for them. You know them. You love them. It's Reagan and Watkins. Thank you. Yeah. Oh, what? Whoa. Wow. Very patriotic entrance. Wow. For those of you podcast listeners that don't take time to actually watch the show,

there's always an interesting entrance in these two. I'm guessing because of Memorial Day, they have gone extra patriotic. They have a flag. They're covered in red, white, and blue. Today's Memorial Day? You son of a bitch. I got a hashtag kill Tony tramp stamp. Yeah, you do.

I was just about to get to that. You've written in blatantly what is an ink pen. Hey, man, that's all I could afford. afford okay tony you can't afford a real tattoo no man is that why pat's only wearing uh daisy dukes tonight can you not afford a full pair of jeans man they got caught in the lawnmower man yeah man it's hot out there man where it's hot out there man man. It's like 64 degrees today. Oh, yeah. Well, I was out there just doing the roofing, and man. Dude, I was shellacking stuff today. I'll tell you that much. What does that even mean?

You know, it's like a lot of painting on fences and stuff like that. It's a band produced by Steve Albini. Everyone might want to check it out. Wow. Oh, my God. You guys are like the live musical version of Beavis and Butthead, and I love it a little more every week. You should have seen.

Last night we did a set, and we had our set list written on, like... Toilet paper. Pretty much toilet paper. And we kept going around being like, hey, check out our set list. And then people would be like, uh? And then we'd be like, we wiped our butts with it. Oh, man. Man, we really were pulling one over on people last night.

Jeremiah, you look like one of the guys from Duck Dynasty's daughters. Joel Jimenez on the percussion tonight. Somewhat patriotic, wearing a Ford hat. The truck company.

Yo, man, he's a Mexican who likes Donald Trump. He's one of the rare ones, man. He's trying to get, just like every other comedian here, he's trying to get his name on a wall. And by being pro-Trump, he can actually do that. That's a pretty well-written Comedy Store Trump joke that just got nothing. He wants to build a wall. People work to get their names on the wall here.

Let me update you. Hey, Tony, you look like a bumblebee at a picnic right now. Oh, you son of a bitch. I'll tell you that one. That's my boy. He's Damn. That's my boy. You good. That's my boy. That is my boy.

Sometimes I look in the mirror on my way to places and I go, if I was going to make fun of myself, how would I do it? And you're not that far off from how I basically roasted myself in the car today. So I love it. Well, let's fucking do this. You guys are here. You're back. You can't see my balls, can you? Jeremiah, one of the funniest things in what I would say is this show's history was last week,

Jeremiah couldn't make it, and he ended up playing via the telephone for a little bit. That was awesome. Great for the podcast listeners. I love that you guys are always expanding the playbook a little bit. He's a master. He's my dog. He's a what? I said he's a master. He's my dog. He's a what? I said he's a master. He's my dog.

Your dog? My dog. My dog. My boy. What's the last letter in that word? Dog. Dog. Let's say it together, Jeremiah. Dog. There's something there at the end. Is that a G? WG. Yeah. You got shit in your ears, Tony? No. Come on, man. Come on.

He's got honey in his ears. Well, welcome, guys. I love these characters. Hopefully at some point you can play around with them a little bit. Feel free to have fun and take chances. Jamie Vernon on the HD camera. Ryan J.E. Belt, our house artist, is stuck in Texas Texas tonight but hopefully he's drawing from home I'm sure he's listening live and that's the cast

so let's get into it you guys ready to meet tonight's comedian guest huh yeah every single week this is the only live podcast in the world which brings you two of the best comedians on the planet this week's no different put your hands together for two of the best Jesus Trejo and Dan St. Germain.

Holy shit. Motherfucker. Two guys that have been on this show before. Two of my favorite people to work with, which I like to do regularly. Dan, what do you think of these hillbillies we have over here?

I... Oh. Hey. Dan, what do you think of these hillbillies we have over here? Oh, hey. Seems like a little defense mechanism. He's trying to play a tune so that you like him a little more. Well, if I play this harmonica, maybe he'll say something nice. He's got hillbilly cursed. I don't know. I don't know how to interact with characters. Me neither.

You're just like a stand-up. It just feels like it's like after a Disney ice show and you've got to say hi to Belle or something like that. Yeah, that's exactly how I feel. You're doing good, but I'm uncomfortable. Hey, man. That's exactly how I feel. That's why I sort of spoke secret code to them a moment ago when I said, you know, feel free to take chances. Open up the playbook.

You know what I mean? I don't feel free to take chances around me. Make. Oh, man. What is life without taking chances down St. Germain? I don't know. Where are these characters from that you're doing? Indiana.

It's a little far north. I've never heard an Indiana accent like this. I was fucking born and raised. All right, well, good. I'm wrong. I was born in a footlocker, baby. That's right. See?

He took a chance. It paid off on that one. Motherfucker looked like he was born in Boot Barn. Boot Barn? Boot Barn. All right. Yo, nobody knows what that represents. I know you're about to get married because I can see your gunt right now.

And you know this man is not single if he's wearing this. He is dedicated to his character right now. Man, I'm going off the deep end. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You guys get physicals lately? Yeah. No. Did you get a physical?

I did, but I'm not going to talk about it. But I'm just curious if you pat you ever see a doctor i'm i'm rather unhealthy yeah that doesn't really answer my question uh no i haven't seen a doctor in a while but i wake up every day in pain and i sit on my floor because i because my couch hurts all of my body parts. I fucking love this guy. I like this character. Despondent comedian.

Here we are. We're live. Everything's ready to go. You guys have anything crazy coming up that you want to promote now? Okay. Then we'll talk about it after the show. All right. Bruce Springsteen's coming to town.

I think we already heard some of that magic tonight. So here we go. The show's simple. I have a bucket filled with names, a bunch of them. Everybody signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds in front of you, you lucky live audience. If you get your name pulled out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty.

That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Extra angry. Extra angry. It's a sad day for Animal Sage. You guys see that gorilla get fucking blasted? God damn. Is there a video of the actual shooting? No, I don't think so.

Did you see that video of the little kid getting dragged around? The unedited version? That's pretty crazy. Did you see the director's cut of that or what? That's funny. It was great. They figured it out at the end. They just sent out a Ferguson police officer.

Your first comedian doing a new minute tonight. Okay, Jill Chrissy, everybody. Hi. Hi. I was with a friend of mine the other day, and we were at the mall, and we were looking in the mirror, and I was being a little hard on myself, you know? And she was trying to be nice to me and she was like I don't know why you tripping Jill you're not fat you just got some big titties right and I was like you know what you right but then I thought about it what do my titties got to do with these chins though

you know what is that not actually a little chin that's an extra little titty underneath here that's a titty really all this around my waist that's not fat that's titty me really come on why don't friends tell you the truth i don't give a fuck i'm a little bit fat so what you know i realize as long as I'm the skinniest bitch in my family, I really don't give a fuck what the world gotta say. I'm done. I don't care. You know? Boom. A minute

from Chill Chrissy. She comes in, talks about her real life. A little self-deprecating. That's a magical combination there. Fun new minute. I love that you're dressed like a Reese's peanut butter cup, by the way. Peanut butter in the middle, chocolate on the outside.

What's up? I'm uncomfortable now. No, don't be. Don't be. Me and Jill are cool. This is how blog starts. Yeah. Jill, how's it going?

You've been on the show before. Always funny. Thank you. How long have you been on stand-up now? For about three and a half years. So almost four. How long have you been in L.A.? For about two years.

And where are you originally from? Colorado. Wow. Denver. Oh, beautiful. Denver, baby. Denver. No, I'm just kidding.

Wow. Damn. For those of you listening on the podcast Reagan Watkins just got stabbed I don't know, I think there's some chemistry there You ever been with any guy That looks anything like Pat before? What do you Any honest answer

What do you mean been with? Like fucked? I mean, let's get real What are you mean? Any honest answer. What do you mean, been with? Like, fucked? I mean, let's get real. What are you willing to answer, Jill? Yeah. Oh, shit. There you go. Wow.

Pat, if you were going to hook up with Jill what would be the first move that you'd make on her? Where would you start? I'd say hey Jill I know you pretty well I'm attracted to you I've been attracted to you for a while You want to hang out? It sounds like you may have swooned her by the sound effect that I just heard

Jill how would you respond to that? Is this real? Why does everybody always break up my fun games with momentum killing questions? When will you people learn? Just follow the fucking lead. I'm the host. I promise. Welcome to the new

reality show. Is this real? Yeah. Yeah. Have you said that? reality show, Is This Real? Yeah. Oh, that's amazing. And you said that? Son of a bitch. My boy gets it in. Pat, she says, yeah, what's your next move?

I say you have to understand that I lead a very complicated love life. And I would say I know. Damn. You guys would make some fun. Is this real? I love it. Well, that's fun. Your stage presence is awesome. That's one of the greatest things about you. You're so

happy and everyone just loves you on stage. You did such a great job as usual. Just keep up with the writing. You're so happy and everyone just loves you on stage. You did such a great job as usual. Just keep up with the writing. You did really good today. Thank you. Jill, what do you do for work? I don't have a job right now. Oh, shit. Yeah, I lost it. What'd you lose? I was an

assistant at a chocolate factory. What the fuck? Wow. Those goddamn Oompa Loompas coming and taking our jobs. Is this real? I was a chocolatier. I love that. Damn.

I was. Wow. So what was that like? It was terrible. So, you know, I got laid off. Lost your job. You were getting high on your own supply. Oh, of course.

Yeah, yeah. So, you know, it was, I just did it. I just did it. Pat, you ever been with a lady that's ever been an assistant at a chocolate factory before? I worked, I hooked up with a girl that worked at Ghirardelli that keyed my car. That's real. That's definitely real. Oh, I love it when it's real.

Jill, you have any fun hobbies or anything? Anything else? Anything exciting about you? Into skydiving, yo-yoing, anything like that? I like to write poetry and sing stuff. Sometimes, sometimes. Do us a poem. Do us a poem.

Just a romantic poem. Yeah, do us a poem. Do us a poem. I've never heard it put more poetically. Brian's trying to be Maya Angelou right now. Can you do us a poem?

Do us a poem? Do us a poem? Oh my God. You know your four seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That's an I hate poetry joke. Am I right, people? No, I'm kidding. You don't have to do us a poem. Here's with a haiku.

I don't want to do us a poem. I don't even have a haiku. I've been doing just pure stand-up. You want to sing? I get the feeling that you are probably an unbelievable singer. I don't want to stereotype you. See, that's what's weird.

Stereotyping is okay when it's a compliment. I don't mean to stereotype you, but can you sing Amazing Grace? when it's a compliment. I don't mean to stereotype you, but can you sing Amazing Grace? We've got to get rid of this fucking slave music you've been playing the last few weeks. It's not okay.

This show... Son of a bitch. That's going to be the stuff that buries us three years from now. Like, ah, hit show used to play slave music. Is there any chance that you do want to belt out a line real quick or something? Oh, my God.

Belt? The sister, sister theme song? Oh, come on. Sister, sister. I actually can do it. Stick with the sister. Stick with the comedy. Stick with the comedy. No. Damn.

Talk about a two-way twister. Sister, sister. Talk about a two-way twister. Is that a word? Is that a song for real? That's the sister, sister theme song. I don't know how much I missed it. Yeah, that makes it official.

They did it for me. I love that. Well, Jill, so fun. Always a good minute. Very solid. How much time do you think you've put together altogether? I probably have a good, a ish um seven to ten minutes now wow well that's definitely a very that's the most realistic answer i've ever heard someone yeah

who's three and a half i'm serious that was like yeah i was like please don't say an hour got about an hour and a half yeah yeah and yeah. And Jill put together a show this weekend for people with lymphoma and cancer, so a big round of applause for her. Oh, who gives a fuck about that? Fuck yeah. Really cool. Was that the hero thing?

No, she did one in North Hollywood. You know, somebody did a... Steve Simone. They should do a benefit for people who live in North Hollywood. Am I right? Yikes. Places.

Trash. Engage. Local joke. Jill, like I said, I mean, your joke was self-deprecating, honest, real, amazing. You just keep writing minutes like that, and it's going to all keep happening for you. There she goes. Jill Chrissy, everybody. So funny. She's on Twitter

at Jill underscore Chrissy. That's with one L. Yeah, you know, they did this cancer benefit here last week and one of my buddies was like, yeah, man, you should come with us one of these times and give toys to these kids with cancer.

It's really, really awesome. we were hanging out and every we made friends with them like i was hanging out with this one guy he's like the leader of all the cancer kids because he's had it the longest he's 18 years old and i'm like what an 18 year old in the kids cancer hospital like when is this fucking kid gonna move on to the adult cancer hospital like what is an 18 year old? Who would have thought that there's like a van Wilder of these children's hospitals? He's getting the young kids into like, he's like, hey, you ever tried psychedelics?

Right. It's like, what point do you go from being a patient to a pedophile? Hanging out with. All right. We're working it out, people. That's a new minute from your host. Let's let that sink in, everybody. You know the cool thing?

Because people want a black friend, but it's cool to have a friend with cancer. People want a pedophile friend, too. That's why I have a friend who is black with cancer. It's perfect. I tell them all my secrets. I like how Pat just compared having a black friend to a friend with cancer. It's the same condition.

Exactly. Well, you know. They're sort of the same. One, you die in a hospital. The other, you die in the back of a cop car. It's not that far off. Government. Okay, we lost everybody.

Guess you can't talk about the current police climate in this country. Wolf Blitzer's allowed, but not on a podcast. I pulled another name out of the bucket. It seems like a fake name, but I hope it's real. Put your hands together for Mario Ramone. All right. Yeah, I've done this so many times

that I know a fake name. That's what happens when you miss your spot. That guy sounded too tough anyway. Wow, this guy's a legend. I believe he's working the door right now, so we might need to go grab him. Can you grab him, Josh? Does his name start with? It's a guy, yes.

It's a guy who has done the show many a times, always performs a brand new minute, and he's working here right now, live. Man, David Letterman, huh? Yeah. Yeah. And he started here, and now he's working here, has a job here, and he kills it every single week.

One of the hottest young comics in the entire Comedy store building right now. I love it if this was how you talked like a loved one to sleep. Well, you guys are going to love this next one here on AM 1390. It's a really good one. Put your hands together for him.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the one, the only, Fang Chao, everybody. Here he is. What? Why am I seeing you? Josh thinks it's funny that I'm still seeing him Chow, everybody. Here he is. What? Why am I seeing you? Josh thinks it's funny that I'm still seeing him instead of Fang Chow. Looks like Fang Chow's caught in some rush hour traffic.

Because he's Asian. Because he's Asian. More like out of luck club. Not as good. Not as good as the Rush Hour reference. Performing a brand new minute that you've never seen him perform before. It's the one and the only Fang Chao, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is.

Hi. Let's do this, guys. About seven years ago, I left China to come to America. I took three things with me. My half-white, half-Chinese baby, my white girlfriend, and my yellow dog. No jokes there. Just fact. My mom got pissed. My mom was so pissed she wouldn't come to the airport to see me off. But she called me the night before. She goes, I'm really pissed. I don't like it. This devil white girl come to my country,

take my only son and my only grandson away. I'm fucking pissed. What am I going to do to my life? I'm fucked. I said, Mom, fuck you. There you go. Is there more to that? There's go. Is there more to that? There's more.

Go on. Of course, fuck up my set up. Right, Ben? That was a minute. Okay. You've gotten so strong now, you don't even know how long a minute is. You just want to keep going.

You're ready to tape your special. Okay, you can finish it if you want. Okay. Fuck you, Mom. Mom, fuck you. if you want. Okay. Fuck you, mom.

Mom, fuck you. My American dream is about bacon cheeseburger and pink vagina all day. Don't fucking ruin this for me. Mom, just stop being bitter. Maybe you will figure out why my father left.

Whoa. That's right, guys. You got a Chinaman behind the microphone. Somebody is going to be the victim. Jesus Christ. All right. Fang Chao. This is an all kill Tony.

All star episode so far. Fang Chao coming in strong. I love that. What happened to the yellow dog? That's my real like, that's what I want to know. What is it? Is it a golden retriever? Is that what you're saying? It's like a half Shar-Pei and a half

Husky. You know what I was thinking might be funny? Because you really didn't, your setup there, you didn't really do anything with it you have a half white daughter or half white child a white girlfriend and a yellow dog maybe like if you said like and two of those things are dead now yeah and the dog is still alive right something yeah you can do anything that's punchline. You could say the dog is still, like, I slept with my dog last night or, like, whatever,

you know what I mean? Like, any way you want to do it, but there's definitely something there to break that tension because you set it up and you can do anything. I mean, the shit that you say, sometimes I don't even think

you know what's funny. Like, you said, like, I do it to, you said something, you just say shit wrong and it's beautiful Yeah, I can just say do you do poetry? I can just say honey, not cheerio the crowd go bananas. Yeah Oh, I know just the confidence. I mean, I wish I had your confidence on stage I mean, even if you say it wrong the way you just say you just fucking stick the yeah, I love that shit man

Like you said you said honey, not cheerio fucking stick the landing. I love that shit, man. Also, you said Honey Nut Cheerio. There was no plural on that whatsoever. And then he said that a crowd went bananas, singular. How did he learn the crowd

goes bananas in the last two years when that's like a 1950s expression? It's like a lot of rigmarole going on in the comedy store. Hey, Fang, I got a question for you based off a classic fortune cookie joke. Are you good

in bed? Very good. Very good in bed. This is what happened the other day. On Monday, I did really good on Potluck. There's this white girl came up to me after the show. She goes like, Oh my God, you're the funniest guy on the show. I love you.

And I was like, oh, I know. If you want to suck my dick, get back in line. That's how confident I am. And there was already a line for it. Is that really what you said to her? Yeah, I said, I know. Yeah, get back in line. And then what did she say to that? She, I said, I know. Yeah, got back in line.

And then what did she say to that? She said, I'll see you later. She said, return to your job at the door. Yeah, exactly. That's sort of my thing because there is a line. She's like, oh my God, that's just a compliment. Right. Why do you want to check my ID again?

So are you not hooking up with girls right now? Why did you not accept her advance? No, I do. I just feel like they're all distractions for now. Whoa, jeez, man. What did you guys want to say, you nobody piece of shit? What did you guys say? Fang is now attacking the comedian. Shut the fuck up.

Fang is now repping the comedy store like a Diaz brother. It's no joke. Motherfucker, I wear black and red. Fuck you. It doesn't even feel like stand-up. It feels like a monologue from Asian Training Day or something. Thanks. Yeah, I'll take that as a compliment.

Thanks. What else is going on in life, Fang Chao? So when's the last time you were with a girl? March. March. What went down there? Some girl was like, you were so great. You were the best of the night.

And you're like, uh. No, I went back to China with Simone to do comedy and I happened to know this girl back in China and yeah, boom. Yeah. The rest was boom. Yeah.

That's it, huh? Bacon cheeseburger and pink vaginas all day. What are you even saying there? And pickled vaginas all day? You have a thing for pink vaginas, don't you? Oh, I love it. Yeah. Well, aren't they all pink?

Some of them are brown. They look like dry elbows. Let's not go there. Make a long turn. I can show you pictures. No, it's okay. Oh, I bet, Red Band. I bet.

Fang, so this girl in China, how did that go down? Anything exciting with it? You just hit her up and you're like, hey, it's me, another guy that looks like all the rest of the guys in China. Except I have some American confidence now. Right. I was just like, yeah, I'll Kung Pao your chicken when I get

a time. And she's like, yeah, Kung Pao my chicken. Oh, you son of a bitch. Kung Pao your chicken. She's like, I'm come pull my chicken. Oh, you son of a bitch. Come pull your chicken. She's like, I'm Chinese. We don't say that here. I'd be like a cheeseburger or your hot dog in America. What? That only works in an American comedy club. Fang, have you been with an American girl?

Yeah, all the time. All the time. The one he had a kid with, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the time, but not in at least three months. What do you prefer, white girls or Asian girls? White girls. Why is that?

Just, I don't know, maybe I have a disease. Just like white girls. What kind of disease? Thank you. Yeah, judge me, guys. Judge me. I'm up here, judge me, guys. Judge me. I'm up here. You're down there.

Judge me. Judge me. I wear the fucking shirt. I work right now, you piece of shit. That's called Caucasia. All right. Right when you forget that's there. There he reminds you.

Hey, I've got one question for Fang. Is America more fucked up or China? Real question. Good question coming from a guy who's been to both, Lieutenant Dan. All right. I think we're all fucked in our own way, but China is a little scary.

Like they will just make you vanish if you do the wrong thing. Whoa. Whoa. Jeez. What's the wrong thing. Whoa. Whoa. Jeez. What's the wrong thing? Well, that's why I'm here. So fuck all of them.

So I'm here. Have you been in prison before? Yeah. I got arrested a couple times. In China? Yeah. For what? What were you arrested for?

For just fight. Like bar fight. You mean punchlines and shit of pickup girls? Yeah. How'd you get into a fight? What happened there? You see punchlines and shit of pickup girls? Yeah, I... How'd you get into a fight? What happened there? Just, you know, like, ignorant foreigners coming to my country and acting really crazy.

And I was like, no, white boy. Whoa. You fucked up? Wait, okay. Are you, like, the Chinese equivalent of a cholo? I can make a couple phone calls to make things happen. Well, Fang, you did it again. Your yellow dog is barking for you.

Dinner's ready. Thank you. Thank you, guys. There he goes, Fang Chao. He's on Twitter, Fang Chao 8080, F-E-N-G-C-H-A-O. One of the best rising comedians anywhere He's great They're hustling him off so he can go do his spot

downstairs. That's how in demand he is right now. He just goes from one room to the next Much like a hibachi chef Uh huh Just goes from one table to the next just serving it up You motherfucker

I pulled another name out of the bucket This looks like a new name. Here we go. Put your hands together for Jamie Alexis From one table to the next, just serving it up. You motherfucker. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like a new name. Here we go. Put your hands together for Jamie Alexis. Tony, I just watched your last special, and may I say, what an amazing job you did. You know, naming it, one shot is such an appropriate title because halfway through I needed a shot. Right to the back of the fucking head.

Better jokes have been written by chicks, while Bill Cosby fucked them. God gave certain groups of people certain gifts. He gave black people athleticism, white people intelligence and gunpowder, gay people Tony's voice. Oh, shit. And he did it for a reason. Because even the staunchest social conservative has to admit he'd prefer anything to hearing Tony talk.

Even him sucking a dick. I mean, seriously, how many times has Louis Anderson swiped right on your Tinder account? I kid, Tony. I know you fags don't swipe right on grinder fuck yeah jamie alexis coming in strong how are you jamie how are you buddy is everything okay do we know each other or something no have i have i have i been mean to you at your job at trader joe's or something like that what exactly the fuck is going on here? Get him, Tony, get him! What is this rehearsed roast jokes that you're throwing at me that obviously you could barely get through

because the cotton mouth kicks in when you get really nervous, huh? Right when you realize that you're burning a bridge that you never even built before. Jeremiah wants to say something. Dude, I'm going to call this guy David Shade. Whoa. Okay, I get it to call this guy David Shade. Whoa. Okay, I get it.

Jamie, what's up? Where's the hatred coming from? I've never had somebody come up with prepared roast jokes before. My act's fine. I just figured I'd try something new. You're the roast master. Why not try and show off in front of me? I like that.

Actually, Jeffrey Ross is the roast master. But I do work in that field. Is that something that you're interested in doing or something? So it was out of respect you're saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, very cool. Tony. You know what I mean?

What did I miss? What just happened? Where'd that laugh come from? Out of respect, he said. Dude, he's got some dirty toes. You've got to talk about that. Oh, yeah. Wow, those are something. Wait, he's wearing some dirty toes You gotta talk about that Oh yeah Wow those are something Wait he's wearing flip flops

Dude how long you been out of the shire homie You know what I'm saying Oh shit What's your story Jamie How long you been on stand up On and off for like four years I've been in LA for about four months Yeah

Where were you doing it for four years. I've been in L.A. for about four months. Yeah. Where were you doing it for four years? Vegas. Oh, very cool. Is that where you're from? Yeah. Nice. What do you do for a living?

The feet are dirty because I'm homeless. Oh, that's often what happens. Don't turn this around like I'm a dick for calling him out on that. He went hard at my boy Tony. You don't go hard at Tony. No, it's okay, guys. It's back on! So, how'd you watch his special? Through like a window?

$10 a month for that Netflix. Oh, shit! What's the big plan? How are you going to survive homelessness, Jamie? I've been homeless for like four years. Wow, four years. I got a pretty big laugh. Coinciding.

Coinciding with starting stand-up. Right. Yeah. What did you do before that? I was a political consultant. Whoa! Let's talk about this Do you ever talk about this on stage?

Yeah, yeah You worked for the Carrie campaign Yeah, the Jim Carrie campaign Whoa Whoa It's a classic story, you know Boy meets girl, Boy becomes political consultant. Boy to voice his girl.

Boy becomes homeless. Writes Tony Hinchcliffe special jokes. How do you make your money being homeless? Are you like an intersection guy? I make, no, I make palm roses. Oh. On Hollywood Boulevard. And you call Tony a faggot?

Guys, I'm done getting my revenge on him. I want to help him now, all right? Take it easy on this guy. You don't do that to Tony. That is the worst, though. Someone roasts you, and then they're just like, I'm homeless, so you can't make money.

It's like the worst. It's crazy. The worst, fuck it. He insulted you, and then you can't even get the joy of tearing it down. He's burning bridges that he lives under. No, I take pride in it, man. No, I love that.

So, like, you know, are you an old school fan of roasting? Is that the thing? Beans over a garbage fire? Beans over a garbage fire? Sorry, sir. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You into drugs or anything like that?

No. Just homeless, like out of pure laziness, sort of. Yeah, I actually talk about that in my act, yeah. You just sort of like of like saying fuck it are you like a venice beach guy where's your post at yeah uh venice beach yeah monica area yeah where do you get where do you get a hat like that from it's like woody does woody harrelson just throw those out of his convertibles while he's driving from malibu or something like i i found it right outside in a box. I have so many questions for a homeless guy. It's crazy. Weirdest place you ever took a shit?

In the box that I found this hat in. I'm like, well, now that the hat's out of the box, I might as well put something in there. I gotta take a shit. Fuck it. Hey, where's my hat? What the? I gotta take a shit. Fuck it. Hey, where's my hat? What the?

Just gonna reach in this box without looking and put my hat back on my head. Oh, fuck. What was that sound? Who did that? Was that you? A Zeus on a sound effect? Oh, shit. Jamie, tell us something else interesting about you. You're homeless.

You're honest. Does homeless pussy smell really, really bad? I wouldn't know. You haven't gotten homeless pussy? No. Have you gotten home full pussy while being homeless? No. I mean, I'm normal, so I can go out and fucking Tinder and dates.

Wait. How do you Tinder? You like paper Tinder or something? Yeah. I don't think you realize how much money I make. You tear a little slip of paper. Everybody at once. Hold on. Wait. What, Pat? Old school Tinder. You know how you tear a slip of paper off of a lamppost?

Yeah. I sort of just said that like 20 seconds ago. You just said you make a lot of money selling roses on the strip. And I have no fucking expenses. I love that. I'm just curious. I've even asked the last two comedians

last time you got laid, sort of how to go down. Did it involve a box car? No. I mean it was in boxcar. No. I mean, it was in a hotel in Vegas, so I mean. Oh, shit. So what happens?

Did you know the girl? Did you meet her at the hotel? No, she was just on the strip. She's on the strip? A drunk tourist. She's a drunk tourist. I'm dressed nice. My feet are clean.

Really? That's what you were rocking? Yeah. But you were still homeless, but you had clean feet. Yep. Because everybody knows you could just go for a walk in that Bellagio fountain and everything's okay. This is the greatest fucking foot bath ever. I think in the beginning, it must be the girl's like, oh my God, he's staying over.

This could be a real thing. And then it's like, shit, he's not leaving. What the fuck is going what the fuck is going on you got a great cable package what can i say uh anybody ever give you anything awesome like they felt bad for you so like here's a fucking thousand dollar bill dude um i've gotten 200 200 chips uh two 100 chips thrown to me before. Vegas is crazy. You get drunk guys that don't care that are just super rich. I've heard of a guy that got a $5,000 chip. They just flick them when they get drunk.

Scariest place you ever slept? Riverside. That place is funny. That is such Riverside? That place is fucking awesome. That is such a fucking great answer. I was expecting under a this or next to a that. Riverside. The whole city is just the worst.

That has to be bad. Jamie, I'm actually intrigued by you. It seems like you have some common sense. You came up guns a-blazing with actual what I could completely tell were rehearsed before roast jokes that you've obviously tried to... Am I right? You've tried to work these out somewhere? Yeah, Marty's for life. Boom. See that? I have a fucking eye for this shit.

He came up here with clean feet confidence. Do you have a pair of shoes or you just... I don't know. One thing of flip-flops. Where do you keep your shit when you're at a place like this? Bushes. Bushes. Fuck yeah. I just saw four comedians scatter out to just...

No, I'm kidding. Jamie, well, anything else, guys, for Jamie? He's homeless. four years into the game. We don't really have a vibe for much of you because you spent your act roasting me, but I'd love to see you come back. I'd love to see what's going on behind all that pure hatred that you have for me. I'd love to see what's going on under that tarp.

It's like a homeless guy wants to become a comic. That's like the pursuit of unhappiness. Yeah, it just gets sadder. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah. Being a comic's sad. How would you know? Oh, no, he didn't.

Oh, fuck. I took 60 seconds of it, but I feel like that was the meanest shit I've heard in a while Jamie it was nice to meet you there he goes Jamie Alexis he's on Twitter at AlexisJam818 guy's got a Twitter doesn't have a shitter but he has a Twitter oh my god.

Man, what a crazy cruise so far tonight. I like it. A couple killers and an actual murder. Alright, I pulled another name out of the bucket. I think we've seen this guy before. Put your hands together for Victor Martinez. Whoa.

A Martinez that doesn't show up to work. Put your hands together for John Horan. John Horan. Hello. Hello. So I used to not be very good at making friends. I didn't have a lot of friends growing up. But then I realized that a lot of girls want to be my friend, and they ask me all the time. All I have to do is ask them out, you know?

They'll let me down easy. Like, I just kind of feel like we should just be friends. It's like, boom, that's exactly what I wanted. Make them think it's their idea. I have so many fucking friends now. I'm a weird dude a weird thing that I like to do is I fantasize about girls spreading rumors about me

it's kind of weird I know but like if I walk by a group of two girls I'll imagine one of them turning to the other and being like yeah that's John he's like really funny and like we all want to fuck him but we just don't because we really want him to focus on his career right now.

It's like that's so dope, ladies. Thank you. All right. That's my time. That's exactly a minute from John Horan. Hi, buddy. Very funny. Thank you.

Very funny. How's it going? Good. How are you? Great. You homeless? I have a home. What? I have a home. What?

I have a home. You live with your parents, right? No, I don't. You don't? How old are you? I'm 23. Wow. I have a baby face. So you have a home? You have an apartment?

I have an apartment, yeah. Where at? Koreatown. How long you live there? A few months. Where you from? Philadelphia. You've been in LA for a few months?

No, I've been in LA almost two years now. Okay. What are you from? Philadelphia. You've been in L.A. for a few months? No, I've been in L.A. almost two years now. Okay. What do you do for work? I'm a production coordinator for a TV show. Wow. What TV show? Adam Ruins Everything. It's on TV.

Wow. That's a good show. Everybody becomes really nice now. That's great. Oh, you did great. Those are great jokes. Are they looking for anybody over there? First guy to ever get a standing O will kill Tony.

Well, that's fun. It seems like it comes from an honest place, right? Mm-hmm. So that seems like... Are young girls into you because you look like Jarrett from Subway? Yeah, when that happened, that lost a lot of steam for me. Yeah. What do you like to do for fun?

To fuck little kids. Yeah, really into kids. Up the ass. Oh, okay, Pat. Pat, you're really reaching there. We knew that. We didn't need to say it. I don't know.

I like to dance. Show us some moves. Wait a second. What kind of dancing are we talking about here, John? I go to hip-hop dance classes. Get the fuck out of here. Do you really? I do.

Oh, my God. Every single day. So you take hip-hop dance classes. Where do you take this at? What Ivy League institution teaches dance classes? The Edge Performing Arts Center in Hollywood. You want to give us a little example of something maybe that you've... Sure, I mean...

You know, some of that... Brian's really big in the hip-hop game. Do you have a song you dance to? I'll dance to anything. Oh! Wow. See, I twerked it. You twerked it. Man. I don't know about you But my penis inverted

Inside my body Yeah You got it That's how they taught you to dance? No no no I don't listen So if we played hip hop music Of some kind

Would that actually help? Uh sure I mean I don't want to do this It's just something I like Oh shit Is this Oh my god

This lady My pussy be yanking? Yeah Oh my god do this. It's just something I like. Oh, shit. Is this... Oh, my God. Is this a lady? My pussy be yanking? Yeah. Oh, my God. Do it. Free. Hey! Hey! Hey! this is like this is like

this is like the guy he's gonna use that someday by the way that's gonna come in handy like some girl's gonna try to fucking break his heart and then at the end of this whole big climax he's gonna take off the glasses and that song's gonna come on and he's just gonna take the dance floor and get it my pussy be yanking and yanking means

cause the pussy's tight so it yanks on the dick I never thought I'd see the kid from two and a half men all grown up and dancing on my podcast like this. Best thing about that, he had a creepy white guy smile the whole time. Oh yeah, totally.

Totally. The dance move, the way his body was moving said hip hop and his face said, let me sell you a car. Man, so you're into hip-hop dancing what else john crushing pussy i'm killing the pussy game how how hard is it after dancing like that at a club in front of girls oh i love it i'm like dude i'm fucking too much lately right right because you have that you have you have that nerd thing going for you.

And they probably think you have money too, right? Yeah. Because like I said, you look like you live with your parents. Do your parents know that you can hip hop dance like that? Really? Some people from Philly are very racist. They're not? My parents are still racist, but...

That's why you learned how to dance like that. Oh yeah, dad? Well, guess what? My pussy be yanking. Just get into it. It would really piss off your racist parents by doing the... No, son of mine's pussy's gonna yank.

God damn it, I swear to God, you ever do that, whippa that nay-nay up in here again. Why are we making the Philadelphia guys sound like they're from Philadelphia? God damn it, I'm from Philadelphia, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. here again. Why are we making the Philadelphia guys sound like the Ramindiana family? I'm from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I'm a real hillbilly. I'm from Philly. Our relatives are also from Indiana, you know.

We're a real hillbilly. It's Philly and Indiana. John, if that's the most cool thing about you, what's the least cool thing about you? I've never been asked that. What's the most cool thing about you, what's the least cool thing about you? The least? I've never been asked that. All right.

What's the second coolest thing about you? Hip-hop dancing is number one, obviously. Dick for days. Is that true? Dick for days? No, I'm very average. Very average. Very average.

As in, like, there's levels of average. It's like you look at the dictionary and it's like, oh, that's a dick. It's exactly as you expected. What dictionaries are you reading? They're literally actual dictionaries. His dad's like, study the dictionary. Your dad fucked you. John, why does every ruler in this house smell like balls? I was doing a little dictionary work.

What's your favorite category in porn? When you really need to get off quick. I'm into amateur shit, you know? What was the first thing that you didn't say? Yeah, we saw your comedy. Yeah. Oh. Oh, Pat, Jesus.

My God, you're like Jack Ruby. You're just right next to these guys, and you shoot them right in their fucking gut. Smart Jack Ruby reference. It's always the worst when you burn someone, and you realize, oh no, the crowd likes him more than me.

Oh, oh, Dan Saint-Germain, you turned on me. I got Dan St. Germain on my ass now. Oh, shit! Man, and you were wearing the Canada shirt. I am, yeah. Yeah, man. Yeah, you got him, Pat!

Oh, man. I can't, you know, whatever, man. man craziest experience you've ever had with a girl john um a few months ago i was you know yeah fucking and uh wow and uh my my bed uh collapsed because uh not because i fuck hard because I just had a shitty bed frame, but I lifted the mattress, put it on the other side of the room, and you guys kept going. So what happened when it fell?

Did she start laughing? I doubt you lifted the mattress. I think it was more of a drag. Oh, drag. I'm going to fuck the shit out of you. He danced while he dragged it over Is that true that You dragged the bed

Were you still naked So you're butt naked This is all going to be okay Give me a second Did you still have a boner while you were dragging the bed I don't think so You don't think so You can't what

You can't clarify You can't what? Finish that. Clarify. You can't clarify. You can't remember anything. You tried to block out the bed dragging. So is your bed on a new match? I got a new bed frame.

Wow. Have you fucked on the new bed frame yet? I've not. See, you jinxed yourself. Ladies, if you want to. Don't listen to that. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have even. even yeah many of you ladies want to test out a new bed frame

that's actually going to work you know what it's weird I love breaking into a new bed frame alright well John that was a fun minute good times you getting a lot of spots around town no not really really why is that. You getting a lot of spots around town? No, not really. Really?

Why is that? I just work a lot. Oh, yeah. It's a full-time job. Working on that posing. Looks like Adam also ruins your career. Adam ruins everything. Pat is on, I believe, a five-second delay here. If we could up Pat's Wi-Fi stream, it'd really be great

because he's clearly buffering a little bit tonight. Man. Wait, wait, wait. He's just getting what I just said about him. Hold on a second. It's just coming in right now. He's about to answer any second. I don't know.

Hey, Seuss, anything for John Horan? Oh, fucking awesome, man. It's fucking endearing, the whole nerd thing. What if he said endearing like badass? Fucking endearing, motherfucker. Touch the shit out of me, bitch. Real recognize real, man. Yeah, good shit, man.

Really funny, man. Thank you. Okie dokie. John Horan, man. Really funny, man. Thank you. You, uh, okie dokie. Jaron. Jaron. John Horan, everybody. There he goes. He's on Twitter at Cool Horan.

H-O-R-A-N. He plays nerd well. All right, let's get another motherfucker up here. How's the live audience doing? How you guys doing? How we feel? We're getting there. We're plowing through it.

Anything can happen. Put your hands together for Roger Lopez. All right, so I have this pimple on my ball sack. See, I got it because I was fucking this girl when I was 13. She came over to my house because my parents were probably at the Olive Garden. And so she came over and then she...

Wait, give me a second. I'm tired. She came over and then she was a Catholic, so she didn't want me to fuck her in the pussy. So she was like, put it in my ass. And then I was like, all right. So I put it in her ass. But see, the thing is, I didn't put it on a condom. Because I didn't even think about it. I was like all right so I put it in her ass but see the thing is I didn't put it on a condom because I didn't even think about it I was 13 uh so long story short I have this pimple in my ball sack and then like a week later like it popped and then like there was like some blood

on like my boxers and then I went to go get my pimple checked out like on my ball sack and then the doctor was like we're gonna check you for the hep b hep c C shit. And that was nine years ago. I still don't know what's up with my pimple. It's still there, though. I got to go get it checked out. I mean, I still got good dick. I'm not trying to fuck or anything, but I'm just saying, you know, I got good dick. Thank you very much.

Roger, you don't. You have herpes. You definitely have herpes. I just think it's great we have our second homeless comedian of the night. That's herpes, a pimple that's been there for a while. You got something else that's not a pimple, buddy. Oh, it's called a lingerer, man. I know.

I don't think so. Roger, have you shown a doctor this pimple on your ball sack? That was true. I showed it when I was 13. What did he say? He said he's going to check me for hep B, hep C. I just don't know. And how old are you now? I'm 22 now.

Is it like a little cyst? Can you always pop it? No, it doesn't pop. It just popped the one time when I was 13, like a week later after I got it. But now it's solid, but it's white now. It's like a pearl. Jesus. Dude. No. Have's like a pearl. Jesus. Dude.

No. Have you seen a doctor for this one? Oh, no. It's been a while. How long has it been on you? For nine years now, yeah. Dude. Roger.

Where do you live, Roger? Why are you surprised that people are disgusted by this? Come on, guys. Give me a chance, man. You haven't been on there for nine years. Not only is he surprised that people are disgusted by this? Come on, guys. Give me a chance, man. You haven't been on there for nine years. Not only is he surprised that they're disgusted, he's still trying to sling it like, come on, I got good dick,

though. My balls are covered in disease, but I got good dick. He never specified why his parents were at Olive Garden working or eating. No, they're just eating. It's a special moment. When you're here, you're family.

They don't use that logo anymore. They don't? What's their saying now? Come on in. Really? That's it? That's pretty... Low standards.

Yeah. Come on in. You don't even have to order anything. Just fucking please, anybody, come in. Roger, tell us something about yourself. You're 22. All that we know about you is that you have a pimple on your balls, and if you shave that half mustache, you could easily be a chick.

What? I know that you used to be the lead singer for Mars Volta, but see, Joel Jimenez, the actual music guy, was laughing at that one. What is that shirt? Oh, Testament. Like an 80s thrash band. Oh, nice.

Oh, Testament? Yeah. You mean Testament? That's that 80s thrash band. Testament or New Testament? I have a pimple on my Testaments. Roger, tell us something about yourself. You still live with the parents?

Oh, yeah. And all the brothers and the sisters? Just the one younger sister. One younger sister. Oh, that's impressive. How much younger is she? She's just turned 17. Oh, okay.

So she's eight years older than that lump on your balls. Yeah. Good quick math from Jeremiah. Wait, that's not right. Roger, what do you do for work? I work at a dry cleaner's. If you guys want $1.75 per piece, I work Tuesdays.

It's over on Venice and Kelton. Do not give a shout out to the dry cleaner's. I work 1 to 7. Hey, if anybody wants their clothes washed, it's Holland. I fold it between my legs. You might get some pimple juice. Roger, tell us something else.

You work at a dry cleaners. You live with your parents. You're 22. You have a pimple on your balls that's been there for nine years. I got hit by a car five years ago now. It's been five years. This is not a comedy set.

It's a cry for help. He was trying to get that pimple popped. So what happened five years ago? You just crossed in a street? Oh, yeah, I just got out of school, and then I was crossing over by Robertson's Domino's, and it has the pedestrian crosswalk, and then I was waiting to cross,

and then I crossed, and there was some old lady, some old black lady in her van, and when she hit me like she came out of her car but like she she was like are you all right and i was like yeah and then uh she got her walker out of her car and then she started walking towards the curb um i don't know where i was going with that but i got hit uh five years ago um uh fuck that old lady whoa is there like a map in your head of like Fuck that old lady Is there like a map in your head of like restaurants? Because you were like

I was right by the dominoes Because it was like next to the high school So it was like You guys know Robertson, the area You guys can kind of picture it You know Robertson goes a long way, right? There's not just one area of it Alright

Where are the tens at? Like around that area Roger, what would you say so far in life is your greatest accomplishment? Getting laughs. That's the shit. I jack off a lot. It feels good. Really think about the question for a second. Honestly, just getting laughs.

You didn't do that. Let's try again. Let's say that that didn't do that so let's try again let's say that that didn't happen then what would be your next greatest accomplishment I didn't jack off today but I didn't eat chips today so that's good I ate a lot of potato chips wow you're an interesting case Roger

you really are I think he's just dumb I don't think he's interesting I feel like this is Kenny Lyons new character that he's working on. It's like, where do these guys fucking come from? It's just like, you know, I'm just living the dream, you know, getting laughs. It's like, what? What headphones with laughter do you have on your head that we can't see?

Roger, come on, I'm going to give you one last chance. Tell us something interesting about yourself that we wouldn't really know, other than how much you masturbate or something about your genitals. Nothing about that. That's tough, man. Are you a good student? Were you a good student? No, I still go to school. I'm about to get the fuck out of

Santa Monica College. What college? Santa Monica College. It's over here. What's it called? SMC? Santa Monica College? Oh, gotcha, gotcha. What college? Santa Monica College. It's over here. What's it called? SMC Santa Monica College. Oh, gotcha, gotcha. What are you studying there? English. I'm going to get a degree in English. Creative writing, hopefully. I want to drop out. How long is the skateboard ride to school

every day? Am I right? Do you skateboard? I take the bus. They give me a free bus pass and then I can take any blue bus for like four months. And that's like sweet as shit. So that's your greatest accomplishment. I think we finally figured it out. I got a bus pass once.

Roger Lopez. There he goes. Anything else for Roger, guys? Good shit. There you go, Roger. Alright, let's go through our regulars and then if we have time we're going to get one more uh up at the end how about that we're gonna have one regular today so we could probably do another one oh yeah well let's just knock out the regular then this way not everybody leaves at once while talking like a bunch of disrespectful idiots that weren't given that weren't given an opportunity to perform in front of hundreds of

thousands of listeners tonight so let's do the regular now and then we'll go back to the bucket later. You know her. You love her. Sometimes it's nervous. Sometimes it's a train wreck. Sometimes it's greatness. Put your hands together for the always working hard, Melissa Esslinger. I had to go to the Sprint store the other day because I am apparently still in my terrible twos. I threw my phone. I threw it in a fit of anger that I was by myself, of course.

And I threw it, and I didn't even check to see if it was broken. I knew it was broken. But anyway, I was at the Sprint store, and they gave me my phone, and they said it was space rock black. And I just found that to be cowardly. Because, I mean, it's black and it's okay to call an item black. This is the problem with fear.

Yeah. I'm. There it is. That's a minute. You got yourself through it. You can always just say you have nothing else. All right. There was really nothing there. You went to the Sprint store.

They said that your phone... Here's your phone back. It's Space Rock Black. And they really... Yeah, there was absolutely nothing in there. I should... I'm having trouble. I'm having a lot of trouble focusing anything recently. And every time I start to flush anything out,

like, I don't know what the fuck. I just, I feel like a fuck up right now. Just take a week off. Don't do stand-up for a week. Seriously. Just, like, get away from everywhere for a week. I'm serious. I would probably actually feel it.

Did you do a lot of spots this week? I did. Yeah. Yeah. I would probably actually feel it. Did you do a lot of spots this week? I did. Yeah. You did? I did. Over the weekend. I did, like, I don't know. I got up.

I was in Long Beach yesterday. I did three spots on Friday. What? She what? Sorry. Then maybe that's it I sort of maybe I sort of agree with Dan St. Germain I think you need to

do something cause every week you were at least trying to do punchlines I'm like less funny even like you know I'm just I don't know I threw my phone clearly I'm angry about something I need to figure that out.

If you take some time off, maybe just think about what you're saying. You know what I mean? Because you're probably now just like, get up, get up, get up, get up. And that's good if you have shit to talk about. But if you don't, maybe you need some time to digest or whatever.

It seems like we've hit a rough patch here in the past week. Yeah. So whatever's going on to where you're so angry that you need to throw your phone or anything like that. I mean, what's happening? Work stress? No. Relationship stress? No. Well, kind of.

Money stress? Money. Are you working again? No, not, money, money. And like, are you working again? No, not yet. Hopefully soon. Melissa, does this scare you every week? Just doing this scare you? What's been.

Stick with it. Just think of your answer to the question. It it has been. And previously, like, I just realized, like, I used to be excited every morning when I woke up. And I was like, I'm in L.A. And now, oh, here's funny. Now it's, I wake up. Right, you live here now.

And, you know, like, I walked past, this is what I should, I walked past, there was an at-home drug kit sitting outside. Like, someone had already used a drug test kit. It was sitting outside. Like, the pee had been in it. It was just right there. I didn't even look. I didn't look twice until I walked and saw it again. That was the box where that dude found his hat.

Nice. I mean, that's just... What the fuck, man? Nobody fucking likes me. I don't give a fuck. I'm just going to write fucking songs and play them. Every time he gets mad. You know what? I write songs and play them.

Yeah, I'm just going to write fucking songs and play them because this shit sucks. Yeah. You fucking write a song. I'm serious, man. You guys fucking write a fucking song, man. That's what I do my whole fucking life. I devote my fucking life to this shit, and I believe in

this shit, and I sing with all my fucking heart, and I don't give a fuck if you guys like me because I'm going to keep fucking singing my fucking songs. I'm going to do it my whole goddamn life, and I'm going to contribute to the world of art. By the way, that was real. Yeah, I feel like it is.

That was fucking real, Jeremiah. Goddamn right that was fucking real. Alright, anyway. Sorry, Melissa. Wow. I love that. Who would have thought? I'm doing stand-up on BuzzFeed tomorrow. You think I give a fuck? I don't even do stand-up.

They asked me to do it. I'm going to fucking do it. And guess what? I'm not going to give a fuck. All the people I'm on the lineup with suck. And I'm fucking funny. And I don't give a fuck. You never want to foul a proud moment with,

I'm going to be on BuzzFeed tomorrow. Yeah, well, that was meant to be humorous, obviously. Whoa. Maybe BuzzFeed will have one of those cool lists of all the crazy things you said to me. You're doing comedy so you want people to like you. Oh, is that it?

Is that it? Oh, really? You don't want to fucking split an audience? You don't want to fucking do something that challenges the fucking status quo in this bullshit society we live in of fucking robots. Yeah, man. Do something fucking different, man. That's what I'm fucking trying to do. Look at me in the fucking eyes, Dan. I'm looking at you right now.

I'm doing something fucking different. And I don't give a fuck if these people don't like me because this is my fucking life. And I do this every fucking night. I fucking write songs all fucking day. And I fucking write my fucking pilot, Browntown, all fucking life. And I do this every fucking night. I fucking write songs all fucking day. And I fucking write my fucking pilot, Browntown, all fucking day. Yeah, that's right.

That's right. I write my fucking pilot. I went to USC screenwriting school. I don't give a fuck. I went to USC film school. Fuck all you. Damn, I love it. That's the band leader, Pat Reagan. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, see your favorite comedian, Hole Digger.

Hole Digger. Yeah, I'll dig a fucking hole. Nobody else has the fucking balls to fucking dig a fucking hole. Yeah, we don't have the balls to dig a hole. Oh, it's the schoolyard. What the fuck is going on? This is a fun episode. All right.

Well, Melissa, I mean, what are we talking about here? What do you think you could possibly do to help your own life situation? Are you having writer's block? Are you thinking that maybe you're a little bit confused right now? Do you think maybe you're watching too much stand-up comedy? Are you watching stand-up comedy? Are you watching stand-up comedy? Are you watching specials and things? I am. Yeah, I would stop that immediately.

Okay. And, you know, I would just double down, focus on taking care of your personal life. Yeah. You really need to hone in on that, because whatever you're doing, anytime I'm having a rough day, or things aren't good, or I'm worried about this or that or everything,

this is my sanctuary away from all that shit. I don't bring that with me anywhere. I think you just, I think she just said it. Like, you saw something funny on the way here, right? Yeah.

And you were just so worked up probably about getting up again that you're not even, like, noticing what's going on around you. And you're doing, like, three spots on a Friday. You're doing all that shit. And that's great, but, you know, you've. And that's great, but you've got to have something to write about.

Because right now you just care about comedy, which is cool. But that'll fucking just kill your happiness, too. And if you're going to talk about something like breaking your phone, the payoff can't be, uh, Space Rock Black. I mean, that's not even in anything. People want to know immediately why'd she break her phone? How'd she break her phone? When'd she break her phone?

What, how long was your phone broken for before you got it fixed? What was that trip like? How do you even, how do you even find out how to get to a phone repair place if your fucking phone's broken? Like there's so many things that start to happen that you could break that down and write something about it, but instead you're just trying to take one part of the experience that

sort of maybe sounds funny instead of really digging in and getting it. So, you know, there you go. Melissa, you gotta because as soon as you started talking, I zoned out. I have an auditory processing disorder, but nonetheless I zoned out. We could tell an auditory processing disorder. But nonetheless, I zoned out.

We could tell. We listened to your last album. Yeah. Oh, you guys are going to leave me. Don't bring this music into this, Tony. You're going to leave me. You back up. You back up, you piece of shit.

That's not Reagan you're talking about here. For you guys. And you leave me hanging. Really? Dude. Real pieces of shit in this room. Some real pieces of shit. Thank you, Jeremiah.

I'm fucking on the edge, man. Pat, you know I'm a huge fan of your music. Every day I wake up suicidal wanting to jump off the Pasadena Bridge. Why are you waking up on the Pasadena Bridge? I wake up... Alright.

What? That was offensive? No, no, no. What do you want me to do? Dig a hole right now? No. I think Melissa, I don't know Melissa. You've had a rough couple weeks. Pat's about to fire you from the show right now. It's going to really suck.

I don't know. I gave him the power to fire people today for the first time. Come on, man. Don't do this to me. No, Melissa, keep going. But you got to come up with – you know you have the power of – your mental state, you can pick. You can choose to be happy.

You can choose to be excited. You can choose to come out here and puff your fucking chest out and hold your head high and seize the moment because you have a moment every week and you're not fooling anybody by the way you're leaning on your character and you're not writing so you know we see that you know what i mean there's not like some you're not fooling anybody you're falling back on your nervous character without a what's great is that within when the nervous character is delivering attempted jokes. But to come out and just talk about something and hope that the, um, oh, fuck, ooh, ah, eat, ah, that's not going to get you through it. I'm not fooling myself either, I know.

Right. That's why this happened. Sure. But I'm just saying, we all know what's happening. So the most important thing is writing. But if you have to clear your mind to be able to get there, then do whatever you have to do. And if anyone here thinks they're fucking happy.

Melissa Esslinger. There she goes, everybody. Melissa Esslinger. We only have one regular tonight. That was her. She writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. Very important to remember. That's a pretty tough fucking position.

Two rough weeks in a row for Melissa. Seven rough weeks in a row for Melissa seven rough weeks in a row for Pat Reagan but you know we're gonna pick each other are you okay? this is real? what's wrong? what happened tonight that bothered you? is something weird? did I do something?

we'll talk about it afterwards fuck it got too real no it's fucking real that's what I think is that you do a show and it got too real. So much sexual tension. No, it's fucking real. That's what I think is that you do a show and it's not real, and then I break down the fucking show because this is how I feel in the fucking moment. I don't give a fuck about the fuck. I mean, I do give a fuck about the show, Tony. Thank you so much for giving me all this attention.

Yeah. Well, how about this? What if I told you, Pat? Not you, Jesus. I love you, Jesus. I love you, man. Did you just flip me in Red Band off? No. Oh. Who'd you flip off? Only Dan Saint-Germain.

Because I feel like he doesn't fucking respect me, and I'm like, dude, I'm fucking up here doing my shit, man, and I don't fucking appreciate it. I really don't. Alright. You guys are having... You can't, like, fucking act like it's a reality TV show when we're

trying to have fun up here. Like just have fun. If you fucking bomb a joke. I bombed here before fucking many times. I have a special treat. Don't fucking deal with it, man. Speaking of bombing here. I don't fucking understand it.

I bombed in front of people I respect. The only thing that's going to make me disrespect you is like turning it into a real fucking thing. When it's just like take your fucking bomb like a fucking man, dude. We've all done it here. By the way, Pat and I are wearing... I think they just made up. I see a little smile on Pat's face. I agree. Is it made up? Yeah! Look at this, Pat!

Peace, love, and harmony. Was that real? Was your thing real? Or was that just a bit? Jeremiah? By the way, for the podcast listeners, Pat and I are wearing jorts while this angry conversation is going on.

Listen, man! No, you listen! All right, guys, I have a special treat for you. This guy signs up, at least he says, every single week, and he's not gotten pulled out of the bucket for, I mean, literally like two fucking years. He's known for his

unbelievable meltdowns, unbelievable risky style. He just got pulled out of the bucket. One of the old school legends here on Kill Tony, one of the most hated people in the history of the show, and in the same way, one of the most loved people in the history of the show. Put your hands together for comedy store legend, GT. What's up guys, how you guys doing?

What's up? I thought the show was over. Are you guys bringing up new people or what? We got some hot babes in the front. What's up? Burt's be like, you have an accent. Where you from? I was like, even Burt's be saying like racist shit.

So what's up man You know how the show works GT Do you remember The show I'm supposed to do like a minute Yeah you still got Is that it I didn't know my minute started Yeah it starts when your name's pulled, GT. You've done the show like seven or eight times in its past three years.

I just found out that asshole licking is the new blowjob. Did you know that? No, I didn't know that. Yeah. Can you get more into it? I've been doing my asshole licking bit and women be coming up to me and telling me you know, I love it. GT, we have actually run out of time. I'm not even kidding.

We wanted to get you up here. It's so good to see you. He's on Twitter at GT Music. GT, there he goes, everybody. We've run out of time. GT, thank you. There he goes. Pat Reagan and his new album are on Spotify, iTunes. Reagan Watkins, Jeremiah Watkins.

At Jeremiah's stand-up, at Patty Reagan. My music's going to be around after I fucking kill myself. Pat Reagan, Joel Jimenez. My fucking music. Pat, we love you. All right. Dan St. Germain, so fun. I love you, Dan.

Jesus Trejo is on Dan. Jesus Trejo. It's on Twitter at Jesus Trejo. Anything else you guys want to plug or promote? Any dates or anything? Bridgetown is sweet. Catch a special Kill Tony episode. Pat Reagan's calling hours I can expect in the next few days. Okay, I can't make a joke about that

you can but I can't Jamie Vernon on the HD check out his website he's got a cool poster for sale thank you live audience so much for coming out fun times Outro Music A hundred thousand on a hundred thousand, a hundred thousand, five hundred thousand, for millions out of my shell. 21st, 48 hours, round 22, I sleep two hours, put 24s on the new outer, white on white, light, baby powder, drop the bitch off of Foots County,

might count it up and then recount it, double clubs like 2-2, yeah, watch down where they gonna stand. Get no fucks, yeah, we don't get no fucks, yeah, gon' fill my cup, yeah, bitch gon' fill my cup, yeah. You heard that, the slums, man, I'm cool with the no fucks, yeah Gon' fill my cup, yeah Bitch gon' fill my cup, yeah You heard that in songs, man I'm cool with the convicts The cool look like A-con Fuck out of bobs, yeah Fuck out of bobs Hey, how are you? Oh, yeah. Thank you.