KILL TONY - KILL TONY #160

Episode Date: June 25, 2016

Erik Griffin, Michael Kosta, Josh Martin, Jeremiah Watkins, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Joel Jimenez, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 06/06/2016 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. Don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Just search the iTunes store for Kill Tony by using your podcast app or iTunes on your computer and hit subscribe. And don't forget to rate and review the show. Also, if you want to subscribe to Death Squad, you'll get Kill Tony, Verbal Violence, What Brown Red Band Do, and all the podcasts that we do here at Death Squad in one feed. So you can also subscribe to just Death Squad on iTunes. TonyHinchcliffe.com is the place to go to find all the information and merchandise for Tony Hinchcliffe. I know this weekend him and Josh Martin are in Seattle, Washington at the Parlor Live.

So check out those guys. But Tony has a bunch of dates. He has a tour that's about to start. He's going to be in St. Louis, Cleveland, San Francisco, Sacramento. He's going to be all over the place. So check him out. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Also, Ryan J. Ebelt.

He's the house artist. He draws every episode, as you know. He sells prints of all the episodes that he's drawn in the past. And he also has the official Kill Tony movie poster at ryanjebelt.com. And last but not least, don't forget to go to shopsquad. TV for all the official death squad merchandise, including we have a new preorder up for taco cat plus, and we have some more hats in stock. Go to shop squad dot TV.

And last but not least, death squad dot TV. If you want to click on tour dates to find all the other shows that we do here at death squad, not only can you click on videos and see all the video portions of all the shows here, but you could also click on tour dates. We do Kill Tony every Monday at the Comedy Store at 8 o'clock. And then we do Verbal Violence, which is the podcast of the Roast Battle, every Tuesday at the Comedy Store. And then every first and third Friday, we are at the Ice House doing the Death Squad comedy show there.

So check it out. DeathSquad.TV Click on tour dates. Alright, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Greg May. Come to you live from the real famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 3. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe. Yeah, absolutely.

Fucking fire hazard. Hi, everyone. Yeah, this is exciting. Fucking half-packed main room. Here we are. This is how we like it. Holy shit. Hi, everyone.

Happy Monday to you. Welcome to the number one live podcast in the world. Kill Tony. You know what I love? Delicious Mangria. It is so delicious. Hi, Brian. Put your hands together for Brian Redband, everybody. Here he is.

Hi. Oh, good Lord. What another beautiful day at the office. This episode's special for Muhammad Ali, everybody, who we lost this week. Not a lot of people know Muhammad Ali was a big fan of the show. Yeah. We're deeply moved. Anyway, welcome back. Hello, new people. You're going to have a lot of fun. What else?

We have dates coming up. Wilbur Theatre, Boston Massachusetts. Go to our websites and find our dates. I'm sick of promoting dates. I am going to be in Denver, Colorado, though, this Thursday at the Comedy Works, and we're going to be partying with Mangria on Saturday. We get $1,000 every time we say the word Mangria tonight, if you haven't noticed. Oh, Mangria.

What was I saying? Oh, yeah, for those of you watching the live stream, they're in Denver a couple days from now. So should we just keep getting into it? Let's just go right into it. First thing I'm going to do is one of our favorite things on the show is the band. You live audience already got to see some of them here tonight.

What? Oh, Ryan J. Ebel is back. I just noticed that. Oh, yes. Without his spotlight, I miss him in this room. House artist Ryan J. Ebel drawing tonight's episode. He's got a blank piece of paper in front of him right now. After the show, you're going to see that he draws the whole fucking thing all at once.

And right now, I'm going to bring up the band. You know them. You love them. You've already seen them tonight. They do this thing where I have to bring them back out, and they always have a silly intro. Let's see if tonight is any different. Put your hands together for my favorite band in the world and the Kill Tony band, Reagan and Watkins, everybody.

Thank you. together for my favorite band in the world and the kill tony band reagan and watkins everybody yeah Wow. Wow. For those of you listening to the podcast, you just missed a whole lot of live action. And the cheapest pizza you can buy on a budget. They handed out pizza and they're dressed as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles everybody. Throwback to

the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Michelangelo, go ahead. Hey, we just had a new movie come out this weekend. I love that. Well, I'm glad you guys could fit in. Are you guys fans of the show? I didn't even know.

Oh, big Dead Squad fans. Cute fans, dude. I didn't know they talked like that. Maybe I didn't watch enough of them. Yeah. I love that. Hey, Jeremiah. What's our favorite food on the count of three?

One, two, three. Pizza. Pizza. Dang it. Joel Jimenez, Donatello tonight, Jeremiah Watkins, Michelangelo, and Pat Reagan, I guess is purple one, Raphael? Because he's an artist. What?

Donatello? Because he's an artist. What the fuck, dude? Some fucking open micers over here that got pissed at that. Those were the wolves from last night, Tony. Where's April, guys? Where's April at? Jesus.

Leonardo's extra furious. His name is Raph, bitch. Oh, that's Raphael. That makes sense because that seems like the most Latino of four of them. It's not April. Double J, Joel Jimenez on the percussion tonight. Reagan and Watkins, guys. Hey, Tony.

We have something to unveil. Surprise. Surprise? Oh. Is that shirt for me? Is that hoodie on the drum for me? Whoa. A new Kill Tony bass drum.

Holy shit. Wow. I thought the shirt that was covering it was the surprise for a second. That is awesome. Eating pizza before playing socks is a bad idea. Oh, my God. One of the things Jeremiah committed to was screaming, yeah, as loudly as he could in my face while having pizza in his mouth. That was awesome.

It really tested our friendship. I'm just going to break the fourth wall for you. I could tell you were uncomfortable. I really was. I mean, the smell, it was almost worse than cheese pizza. It was. It was like a mixture of hot mouth and cheese pizza. All right.

There you go. You guys ready to meet tonight's guest comedians? How about that? We're almost there. We're building the framework. Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. And this week's no different. Put your hands together from Workaholics, The Tonight Show, so many great things. Put your hands together for Eric Griffin and Michael Costa. Make yourself at home. You know them. You love them.

They are here. It's Eric Griffin and Michael Costa. This guy. Eric, how's it going? I'm good. I'm good. Good to see you. Good to see you.

As always. Welcome back to the show. Yeah, I love this show. Michael Kosta, same. Dude, the belly room is off the charts tonight, huh? There's a band here. This is my first time in the main room for this show. This is the big belly room. This is the big belly room.

Son of a bitch. Man. I love that. Play the cat sound for us. Hey, hey, hey. Oh, shit. That's going to happen to me sound for us. Hey, hey, hey. Oh, shit. That's going to happen to me a lot tonight. Wait, guess who I saw today?

Everyone I looked at. Oh! Whoa. This show's out of control. What? That was incredible. Why is there a Little Caesars pizza on stage? Is this where we're at?

I don't know if you noticed, but Pat and Jeremiah are wearing Ninja Turtles masks. I know it's hard to tell. We had a movie come out this weekend. How did it do? Dude, it pumped. I love this. How's Master Splinter been? Any word on

him? Can we get him to come out sometime, you think? Yeah, he's crawling around somewhere. Sure we can dig him up, Ben. Any word on him? Can we get him to come out sometime, you think? Yeah, he's crawling around somewhere. Sure we can dig him up, turn him up. Michelangelo, what do you think? All right. You're on fire over here. Oh, you like that? It's literally called guitar fire.

One and two. Yep. It's literally called Guitar Fire. One and two. Yep. I think our master splinter would be you, Sensei, Tony Hinchcliffe. Yeah. Wow, that's a really weird thing to say.

Really hard for me to play with that improv ball you just threw me. But I guess you're saying that because I sort of look like a rat, right? Yeah. It's a splinter joke? Okay, guys. Take it as you will. This is why I always hope that they lose the characters as soon as possible because it's more fun.

It's a definite commitment. After the first comedian, we will return to the shadows. Oh, man. God. Sometimes I'm so happy that I never know what they're going to do every week, and then sometimes I'm like, fuck.

Because you'd veto it right away. Yeah. Tony, it was borderline rage with you tonight. What do you mean? You were pretty upset whenever we had pizza and I was yelling at you. Well, I mean, I wasn't that upset, but I mean, you know. All right, guys. Everybody's here.

Is that a saxophone? Is that a sax? Yeah. Why? No, I don't know. Why would you do that? Asking you shall receive. Aren't there other horned instruments like that?

Like what's the – I know what the clarinet is. Isn't there like an alto sax? This would be an alto. There's also a tenor. And then there's a baritone. See, they're very good. See, now we all know. It just became a PBS show.

I feel like I have more knowledge now. Oh, God. There you go. You're going to see a lot of that tonight. That's one of the two songs that he knows how to play. I'm excited to see what happens here. Welcome, everybody. We have a bucket filled with comedians

that signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds of stand-up comedy on stage tonight. Then immediately afterwards, stay up here and talk to us about anything in the world. So let's get right into it, shall we? Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty.

Aw, isn't that sweet? You can barely hear that tiny little thing. Can we hear it one more time? Oh, there it is. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Whoa, whoa. There's a lot going on.

That sounded like the fucking zoo the other day, huh? Where did you get the audio from Cincinnati? It was the West Hollywood gorilla. You did not want to bring out that gorilla. I can't believe the authorities shot another unarmed black man, 17 years old as well. Can I give a shout out real quick? I just noticed he's in the crowd to one of my favorite human beings in the world, the great Rick Kozik is here. The camera guy for all of your jackass movies.

Yeah. It's a bad motherfucker right there. Dangerous. He's also my neighbor. Yeah. That's cool as fuck, too. Is your neighbor? Yeah.

So I don't know if that means he's doing bad or you're doing well. It means we're both doing fucking awesome. We live at the farmer's market, motherfucker. Mangria. We live underneath the sewers. That's where I drink delicious mangrias at 3rd and Fairfax.

You guys ready to see your first comedian of the night? Anything can happen here. I just pulled a random name out of the bucket. It's Mangria. They want it there. I'll drink it. Put your hands together for something like that. It's fucking... They want it there, though. I'll drink it. I want it there. Is that your sponsor? Put your hands together for something like that. It's very bizarre.

We'll probably be able to talk about it one day. Like Blue Ribbon? At every commercial, they always hold the beer like this, so you can drink the whole thing. I hate that. I pulled a name out of the bucket. Your first... It could be fucking anybody.

What we've learned on this show is it could be a comedian dying to get up. It could be a homeless person that thought they were signing up for something crazy. Anything can happen. It could be a 20-year veteran first time in Hollywood. It could be anything. Put your hands together for Jonathan Gregory. Jonathan. Jonathan Gregory.

Jonathan. Jonathan Gregory Jonathan, Jonathan Gregory Alright Is this Jonathan Gregory? Pussy Is that the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels? Who are you, sir? Welcome Is this him? Oh wow, Jonathan Gregory, everybody

Either that or Hello, how are you? Welcome Jonathan Gregory Jonathan Hello, how are you? Welcome. Jonathan Gregory. I saved a man's life today. He was choking. I took my hands off his throat. I looked at him dead in the eye and I told him, don't make me save your life again.

I like to stand in the middle of a crowded mosh pit with a sharp knife in my hand. And if someone gets stabbed, it's like, hey man, you bumped into me. Sometimes people keep bumping into me until they die. sometimes people keep bumping into me until they die how about we lighten up the mood a little bit what do you say

there you go 60 seconds from Jonathan Gregory wow I don't know what to say right now it's a very dangerous situation. Jonathan, you're a scary guy. I love your style. How long have you been on stand-up? Three years!

What if that was his real voice? Are you talking to me? Yeah. You're Jonathan Gregory, right? Yeah. Uh-oh. Didn't seem like you were quite certain there about that. I think his name is Andrew W.Y.

Very good, Jeremiah. Thank you, Sensei. Solid reference. Jonathan. Is that your name, Jonathan? Jonathan's my name. Okay. Yeah. Alright. Jonathan. Whoa, your name, Jonathan? Jonathan's my name. Okay. Alright. Jonathan.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Jonathan, you gotta be careful. Don't touch Eric. You should have seen Eric's face when he first started talking. Did you guys see Eric's face? He's like this. Is the Eric Patriot here? Jonathan, stand over there. You're scaring me. Please. I can't have like some... I mean, I thought it was funny. I didn't like there. Stand over there. You're scaring me. Please.

I can't have like some. All right. I mean, I thought it was funny. I didn't like it at first because I just thought it was like, okay, here we go. Big character. It's going to be too loud. But I thought it was funny. But the thing that actually I don't think is funny and is actually scaring me is what's happened right now.

After all this. Personally. Jonathan, if I ask you some questions, will you be a guest on the podcast and talk with us for a minute? I will. Alright. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Ten years. Sort of guessed years there at the end. I thought he was going to say days,

weeks, months, and then he went to years. Alright. Ten years. Where at? Comedy clubs. Lots of basements. Some of those. What cities are those comedy clubs in? I live in Scottsdale.

Oh. Oh. What do you do for work, Jonathan? This and boxing. Oh, yeah. Right when I couldn't be any more afraid. Yeah, exactly. The old boxing day job.

You hear that one all the time. Going to move to L.A., I'm going to be a star, and to pay rent, I'm going to move to LA. I'm going to be a star. To pay rent, I'm going to box. That's almost as intelligent as being a former professional tennis player. But is it bum fight? Oh, wow. Bum fights was very lucrative. Which just reminded me, by the way,

we just found out literally like 25 minutes ago some really sad news. Kimbo Slice just passed away. Really? Yeah, Kimbo Slice. By the way, I don't think it's a coincidence that we're meeting Jonathan Gregory right after finding this out.

Nor is it a coincidence that we passed out pizza slices today. Oh. What are the odds of that? Do you have any pizza left? Do you have any pizza left? You should take the one you spit on over here in the front row. Wow. This is epic.

Jonathan, can you just wait until... Okay. Whoa. That really doesn't... As if you were... You were pretty bad at answering questions before, Jonathan, but with a mouthful of pizza. So have you ever played like flappers and done that character

or any of the local clubs, or is this something that you've just tried here? I've done flappers. Wow, wow. How long have you been in Los Angeles? Flappers, that character at Flappers, man. That's a weird combo. Because he can't get to Burbank?

No, I mean... That's a comedy club that told me I shouldn't curse at. You know, so it's... I got a clip online. I'm headlining the comedy spot on Friday, and there's a clip on the website. The comedy spot? Where's that at?

That's in Scottsdale. How far do you have to drive your hearse? How long of a drive is that to Scottsdale? It's like four gas stops before I get there. Wow. That's a small room. Do you yell just as loud in that room?

That's a tiny room. It seats like 40 people. It must scare the shit out of everybody. I don't use the microphone. You don't use the microphone. Got it. That was good, actually. Sometimes people laugh and they still use the mic. And that's fucking annoying. Instead, if you don't use

the mic, it's just a little bit annoying. Yeah. I kept it low, didn't I? I didn't eat the mic. I kept it at my waist. If you're going to look for something positive. Very good. I love that. I'm glad you're getting some food in your belly. It's very good, John. Well, if you're going to look for something positive. Very good. I love that. There it is.

I'm glad you're getting some food in your belly. You're starting to make some sense. You got food in your hair. Did you take Sean's comedy class in Scottsdale? Are you a comedy class guy, or you just do it on your own? I didn't do Sean's class. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

Sean is teaching a class? He's teaching a class. Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. So how do you make money boxing? You just box people and then take their wallet? Yes. What happens exactly?

I think it's called jumping people. Like how do you get paid? People want to work out, you know? Oh, you work mitts with people and shit. There's a piece of pizza in your mane. Yeah. I tried to say that earlier. Sir, sir.

Excuse me, sir. It just was like, you know what I mean? I respect that you told me. I had a booger all day and no one told me. By the way, every next comic, enjoy this pepperoni microphone. Yeah. But he held it low, so it won't be...

So it's going to smell like dick. You know what I mean? Jonathan, how long have you been doing... What's your love life like? Nice. I'm married. Yeah. Really?

Oh. Where's the ring at? Buried with her? I love you. That's with the vowels. I fucking love you. I always you. That's with the vowels. I fucking love you. I always will. I fucking love you.

I like John. I didn't like him at first. I like him. I love him. We're building. We're building a relationship. Well, no. When you're sometimes a big character, you think, oh, shit, this person's going to suck at comedy.

But if those are original jokes, which I feel they were, they were funny. The mosh pit one holding the knife was funny. Yeah. It goes along with your style. You have all the likability of a young The Undertaker. That's a big deal. I mean, he's done 32 WrestleManias or something like that. I'm just glad he didn't grab this fucking sword right here.

Why would you point that out? What the fuck is wrong with you? What are you doing? Saxophone the sword. Jesus, he already got the pizza. Man, I'm really surprised you didn't use this gun right here that I have. The styrofoam sword. I'm okay.

These guys are ready to give them their women right now. Just take them. Don't hurt me. Jonathan, so it says here. No, Jonathan, don't. Oh hurt me. Jonathan. So it says here. No, Jonathan. Oh, shit. No. Well, listen.

He practically spit a loogie on that one. That was a lot of spit. Yeah, so he should keep that one. That was a lot of spit. Jonathan. Yeah. Jonathan, Jonathan. What the fuck was I just saying?

Oh, okay. Your Twitter handle's really creepy comedy. You got that? Really? I can't see that at all. Why would you pick that? You guys can follow me at creepy comedy. Or you'll follow us.

God, that's so memorable. Jeremiah Watkins pulled some Stephen Curry shit. It was almost like when he said you can follow us it's like almost like he didn't know

how to talk normal for a second like all he knows how to do is be scary so you have any other gigs coming up

where else can people find you other than through their bedroom window can I come in? You can go to my website at creepycomedy.com

I'm in Tucson at the end of this month I'm in jail about two months He would be a good jail entertainment Jonathan, did you not eat today? I mean you are eating this free He would be a good jail entertainment. Yeah. Jonathan, did you not eat today?

I mean, you are eating this free pizza. By the way, these guys are known for old, weird, dirty props. So we don't even know if this pizza is from today. It's from today. I saw them use a shark fin last week as a rhino horn from three weeks. All right, forget it. Creepy comedy just redirects to Jeff Dunham's web page. So that's weird. That's so weird.

Is he the creepiest comic? Oh, wow, that was just so, wow. What is this? That was meta, that one right there. Good for you. What if this was an elaborate scheme and he's actually one of Jeff Dunham's puppets? Anyway, you ever go to Louie Anderson's website?

You can pay for the after hours, like $4.99 and extra for a month. He has webcams and stuff. It's way worse than Jeff Dunham's website. That's basically what we're watching now. Jonathan, how come you don't have the ring if you're married? Where's the wife at?

She's in Tucson? Where does she do for at? She's in Tucson? Scott Steele. What does she do for work? She's a manager. Of a what? She manages boxers. I mean, he can't have a ring on with this persona. It would just ruin it.

She's a counselor. A manager and a counselor? You're not married. This is your fucking therapist. Yeah. It's a very close relationship she's my counselor and she manages when my next appointment is

once a week she works for a good company she deals with children from displaced homes and she helps all of them there's kids that don't have a home to go to and my wife is there for them and they come to your wife and they go,

the scariest thing happened. This guy came up to me today screaming. Asked me if I had any extra food in my lunchbox. Yeah, she sets up a table right outside of his shows and people just see him and then go register with her afterwards. That's my

merch table, you know. I love that. It seems like such a... It's quick. This guy, regardless of all this, he's right in the pocket right now, so I can appreciate that. Absolutely.

I can appreciate that. Yeah, totally. Jonathan, I love your fucking style, man. How much material like that do you think you have in that dark tone type of thing? Like, how much have you built? Enough to get paid in Tucson. Yeah, that's true. So four and a half minutes?

How long do you say you could do? Middle of eight clubs and headline C rooms. Nice. Well, there you go. Jonathan, it was very nice to meet you. You're a very cool guy. Follow him on Twitter,

Creepy Comedy. Go to creepycomedy.com. No touching. Oh, Jesus. Michael, what is your problem? If you want to throw up that pizza, I shook his hand. Mike's throwing us all under buses tonight. He shakes his hand,

puts his arms around me for a hug. I shouldn't have brought up the sword. I definitely not. I'm the closest. I'm fucking this guy. Well, yeah, that's why I felt comfortable looking up. I wasn't even saying anything. I was like, he's going to kill me first. Just don't look him in the eye.

I didn't look him in the eye once. He didn't even touch me once. That's how you do it. But listen, I don't see why he didn't have his ring on. You can't have a ring with that persona, and he's got conditioner in his hair. He's well taken care of. He's got a Livestrong bracelet on.

He's like, ugh. There you go. I told you anything could happen. These names in the bucket, you never know. It could be the next Richard Pryor. It could be the next Jonathan Gregory. Who knows?

We know this guy. This guy's gotten on a few times. It's been a long time since we've seen him. One of the most powerful Asian comedians, or just comedians overall, but this guy's a goofball. Put your hands together for Tam Fam, everybody. Here we go.

Hey. Didn't even say anything. You might be wondering what kind of asshole names his kids Ham, Fam. Well, my dad's first name is Ann, his middle name is Van, so his full name is Ann Van Fam. Fam is actually the only part that's real. The rest he actually named himself when he came to the U.S. Personally, I would have deported him for that. I mean, no wonder he gave me such a strange name, right?

If you screw up when you do something for yourself, you're going to screw up when you do it for somebody else. That's why you never see Rihanna teaching a self-defense class. There are a lot of problems with the name Ann Van Fam, but the thing I've always hated the most is that even though he loves movies like Time Cop and Bloodsport, he has never even once

referred to himself as Ann Van Fam the Van Dam Fan. Thanks, everybody. Fuck yeah. Not racist at all. Fam. Is that racist to play the... The gong?

It's respectful. It's respectful, right? We respect that. How is that demeaning to the Asian race? For real. I'm curious. You know why. He did 60 seconds on a guy named Anvan Fam.

I mean, that's pretty... Well, you set it up good because you said powerful Asian comic. And he came up and said, hi. And everybody was like, he's not powerful at all. All he had to do was bow. That would have been perfect. Tam Pham, that's very fun. What does your dad do for work?

How did he get over here? You're Vietnamese, right? He's Vietnamese. Yeah. How old is he? He fighting the Vietnamese war? What are we talking about here? Sneaky little bastards.

Do you speak English or just when you perform? Oh, it's like karaoke? He only does the words. They can't speak any English, but they can sing the song. We're all being racist! Oh, yeah. I love racist! Oh, yeah. I love it! Oh, yeah.

God, I feel like I need to get some cleaners. I want to give him, you know, get some donuts at the same time. Anyway. It's true. What does Zan Bam Pam do again? He's a machinist. He's like 50-something.

I don't know much about him. What kind of machines? I don't really know. Really? Wow. What a close bond you have with your dad. Is he proud that you're a comedian? Yeah, he doesn't know. Really?

So you don't know anything about each other? Is it your father? Do you want to talk about this? His dad thinks he's a doctor. Hey, someone go grab Jonathan's wife so he can talk to the therapist. Did you guys not remember? Call back. Listen, we're trying to forget him.

We're trying to put him out of our heads, and you're bringing that back? I thought that was the best thing I said. We almost died up here. You're bringing that back? All right, back to Van Damme, Sham. Thank you, man. Yeah. Tam Fam, now how long,

you're one of the guys that's been doing this show forever. How long have you been on stand-up in L.A. now? Two years. Right, two years, and... How many moons is that? You talk a lot. Really? Yeah, he's just curious. He pulled that deep out of his racial

I'm just curious I like your hipster vibe right now You know, the skinny jeans and all that And your jokes were very biting So I think you're doing alright I think you should be powerful like he said Take command of the stage But other than that

I think you're comfortable in your own than that you know i think you're comfortable in your own skin which is good so you know i think you're doing all right what'd you think yeah yeah i liked him a lot only thing i didn't like was the rihanna joke but i love just because i feel like it's been done so much and this is coming from a guy that just made a jeff dunham joke five minutes ago so keep that in mind but The hacky president over here. I'm not only a client. I'm the hacky president. One more chance.

How much material do you have on just your name? My name? Or the name. Sorry. You know what I mean. On names in general. Tam Pham. Thank you, man.

Let's just say he has a lot of fun. That's his middle name. On a scale of one to Tam, how many Tam jokes do you have? Tam do like green eggs. Fire over here, these two. Yeah. But you're supposed to do that in Ninja Turtle fucking, you know,

characters. No, no, I'm sorry. I didn't actually mean to do it. Can we have Tam move his mouth and Pat and I do the voice for Tam? Yeah, like a Ventriloquist. Yeah, let's do that. Tam, you face forward and answer my next question. Are you ready?

Should he throw a ninja star at the same time? The ninja turtle will probably catch it. He should have the sword, right? We're having a ninja off right now. Turtles versus whatever the fuck Tam Fam is. Well, Vietnamese eat turtles. Turtles versus Squirtle over here. Anyway, let's keep this show going. You know what I'm saying, guys? No, no, take it like a man. Taketles are a squirtle over here. Anyway, let's keep this show going.

You know what I'm saying, guys? No, no. Take it like a man. Take it like a man. Take it like a turtle. Take it like a turtle. It's my boy. I stick with my boy.

This is the part where they start defending each other. You want a piece of two men up here? But back to the question about your name thing. I mean, how long do you think? I mean, are you going to keep doing that? Or like, what do you want to talk about? I'm going to keep doing it for a long time. You see, ever since I was a little boy, I knew I had comedy that derived from my name.

Oh, my name. Oh my god. This is the greatest show on earth. Now shouldn't he do them now? He should do them. You be a dumb white guy. Go. Right. Yeah.

Exactly. And you guys move... It's alright. Two heads, one brain. It's fine. Jeremiah and Pat, what would you say your comedy philosophies are? If I can't think of jokes, I play instruments. All right. Now switch it back to us one more time.

Yeah. Oh, God. Tam Pham, what do you think about what these guys had to say about you here tonight? No, no, we're not doing that anymore. Oh, you forgot. Okay, very good. Anyway, Tam, what do you do for work? How do you survive out here?

I work at Trader Joe's. It's unbelievable. I feel so bad for people that don't actually watch this podcast. The camera's so far away tonight too, but TamFam is doing an unbelievable job at selling this. Do you

lip sync like a puppet often? Was that the actual answer to your question? Absolutely. I can't even deal with this right now. I can't even host the show and deal with this. Can you guys see how good it looks? So where do you... Enough.

Where do you work? Damn, I don't know. Oh, no. He did it. Holy shit did Holy shit Holy shit Well it's the last time he's on Yeah

I'm an extra Oh wow An extra You're literally an Asian guy number three What have we seen you on Teletubbies Teletubbies? Teletubbies?

Nickelodeon? Disney? The Home and Garden Network? You can make... Damn. What if this is what the podcast evolves into for everyone? Alright. Just Jeremiah X3 for everyone.

You can't do that anymore. It'll be a Mexican guy, a black guy. He'll just do all the things. And the one guy, he lets do stand-up. Are your nipples dark or pink? Oh, now you want to back away from that? That was right. As soon as it got sexual, he was like,

nope, not going to do it. I don't talk about Asian nipples. What's the answer? People call me purple nurple. Are they purple or pink? Stop looking at them. Answer the questions. I never know when it's going to come. It's okay. Just roll with it. Purple or pink? Stop looking at them. Answer the questions, Ant-Man.

I never know when it's going to come. It's okay. Just roll with it. Dark. Dark something. Sometimes I wonder why you ask the questions that you do. And then I'm like, it's always shock that that's always the weird answer

that I don't think it's going to be. I know. I like dark nipples, and it's not fair when guys have dark nipples, and I don't. I've never really seen an Asian guy. You said that all like, you're very attracted to him now all of a sudden. Tony, would you like to see my dark nipples?

No, I don't. No, Tim. Thanks for asking. But I'm okay on that. So extra work's been paying the bills? No, it just makes it a little easier to... I am non-union. It is very hard to get by.

All right. Tam, you're so funny. You always do good. Anything else for Tam Pham? Last time I did the show, I think he performed, and I thought he was really funny then, too. So good job, man. You're really funny.

Keep it up. There he goes, Tam Pham. The great Tam Pham, everybody. You're really funny. Keep it up. There he goes. TamFam. The great TamFam, everybody. My goodness. Wow, what a great start to the show, huh? I mean, Jonathan Gregory and then TamFam. Highs and lows.

This looks like definitely a new name. Highs and low names. I guarantee you this is going to be interesting. I can always tell by the handwriting. Put your hands together for Ron K. Ron K? Oh, there he is. He just heard it for the

first time. Go that way, that way, that way. This one's going to be good. Did he not hear himself? Use the disabled entrance. Keep it going for Ron K, everybody. Don't touch us. Don't touch us. Don't touch us.

I'm not prepared too well. I never did this before. Raise your hand if you're out there. I've got to see how many people are out there. Okay. Okay. Wow. Good stuff. Wow. there I gotta see how many people are out there okay you know I'm from Vegas you know and I'm a crack dealer crap crap craps do craps and blackjack and roulette who play who gamb? You can't win.

You know you can't win. They don't build the tall buildings. They have so many slot machines in Vegas. You go in the airport, 20 slot machines. You go in the 7-Eleven, 30 slot machines. I went in the bathroom the other day. I took piss and flushed the toilet, and I was playing the poker machines.

I got a royal flush. Unbelievable. Oh, shit. Unbelievable. That's a minute from Ron Kay. Wow. Stay up here, Ron. Bruce.

You say you can't believe it, but you remember, did you forget that you signed up tonight? In between the whole thing? Talking to the microphone, Ron. The microphone, right? Oh, we know you had a drink. Well, I got a couple of drinks. Ron. A couple of drinks?

We drove all the way here from Vegas. Who's we? Through the night. Me and Craig just signed up. Or Ichabod. Ichabod? Ich the night. Man, Craig has signed up. Or Ichabod. Ichabod? Ichabod. How old are your friends?

Well, Ichabod and Jesus Christ. And Slappy Lewis. Yeah, like, are you the ghost of Comedy Pass? Oh, fuck.

I'm taking this guy on the road with me. Wow. So, Ron, this is your first time ever doing comedy? Ever. Wow. Have you ever done... Yeah. Come on, people. Yeah. Let me tell you something, Ron.

You accidentally did one of my favorite opening jokes I think I've ever heard in my life. How many people are out there? I can't see the people. Can you raise your hands? Got a huge fucking laugh. It's unbelievable.

Well, that I had planned for about a year or so. Oh, you wrote these about a year ago. You wrote your minute well in advance. Then he walked here from Vegas. He wrote five seconds a month for the past... I like it. It was a little NASCAR-y right now because we were waiting for the crash,

but you stuck in there. I've got to give it to you. This is hard for some people to come up here and speak in front of people. It was an incredible 60 seconds, and I'm just talking about your walk up to the stage. Hello! You've got to the stage. Hello. You got to be ready, man.

Ron, you're really a dealer in Vegas? That's what you do for work? Wow, you must see so much crazy shit. I've been a dealer 10 years in Vegas, and I see a lot of shit. I see people throw down $10,000 on the craps table, lose it in like an hour, and they throw it down another $10,000. Does that make you upset

when you see how much people just give money away? Not really, no. It's all about the tips in Vegas. Yeah. Well, with this figure, I'm sure you're getting a lot of tips, baby. You know, I just know that Ron's house, he's in the bathroom.

He's got one of those combs that's in like the blue liquid. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? He does, right? Yeah. By the way, I like those. That's a sweet comb over.

I like it a lot. Barbicide. Thank you for saying that because I went in your bathroom here and said employees must wash hands. Yeah. You forgot the rest of that. I waited.

This is good. We were all waiting for you on that one. Employees must wash hands. You didn't get the punchline, but you nailed that fucking setup. Yeah. Saw the sign. Employees must wash hands. But it was so strong.

That setup was so strong. We were all like. Okay. It said employees. This motherfucker, he's got every sound. Some comedians are good at punchlines. Some comedians are good at setups. And Ron Kay is the original setup comedian.

I didn't get to the punchline. Wait, wait, let him get to it. Go. Ron. Start again, though. I went in the bathroom here. I can't believe it. We could believe it.

The sign said, I took a piss. The sign said, Employees must wash hands. I waited in there one hour for an employee to come in and wash my hands. There you go. It was worth it. Ah, Jesus.

It was worth it. But you have to say after that, but seriously, folks. You have to say that after that. Seriously, folks. It didn worth it. It was worth it. But you have to say after that, but seriously, folks. You have to say that after that. Seriously, folks. Didn't happen. Didn't happen. Wow.

I can't believe it. I can't believe you have blue eyes. I saw you a couple weeks ago. Oh, wow. Thank you. Every week. Just when you think it wouldn't get any scarier than Jonathan Gregory. The guy's telling me he loves my blue eyes. It's true. A lot of people...

Okay, there. Okie-dokie, Ron. The old bear and the twink. Where are you going, Ron? This is like the grandpa that runs out of the nursing home. Over here, Ron. Ron, you're still on the show. Don't walk away with a microphone.

We need that. Ron, are're still on the show. Don't walk away with a microphone. We need that. Ron, are you married? Twice, yeah. Oh, wow. Two kids. And one clearly... And there they are, right here. Jeremiah!

Hi, Dad. That explains everything. That's great. Two kids, Ron. And the best part is that clearly you have a third on the way. That you're baking yourself there. Wow. I actually had an operation.

I had to open. I could show this. Well, you definitely have to. You definitely. It's amazing that you had the guts to come out here tonight. Show us that scar. There it is. Show us that scar.

Show us that scar. Show us here tonight. Show us that scar. There it is. Show us that scar. Show us that scar. Show us that scar. Show us that scar. No, don't. Don't. Don't. Show us that scar. Show us that scar.

All right, do it. Fuck it. Show the fucking scar. Show or not show? Yeah, show it. Show it. Show it. Show it.

I'm so... For the podcast listeners, he just whipped out his dick. No, this is like... Ron, settle down. There's a whole show going on over here. He's giving his monologue. for the audience. I was in the hospital three months in a coma. Ron, settle down. There's a whole show going on over here. He's giving his monologue. You know that scene in Aliens

right before it busts out? It's like right... Oh, my God. Oh, Ron. We love you, Ron. You're doing a good job. Ron, tell us like a hobby or something of yours.

What do you do for fun out there in Vegas when you're not working? Mostly play horses. Well, not play with horses. Play the horses. Of course. Red band's always there. Give a gambling problem, would you say?

I don't gamble. You play a lot of racquetball, don't you, Ron? You can't win. You play a lot of racquetball, don't you? Handball? Handball. No, racquetball. Racquetball. Well, you convinced me.

Wait, can I think of a golf joke I play? A what? A golf joke. He said, can I think of a golf joke? You're being naughty tonight. You settle down, sir. Stop being a bad influence. Obviously, Ron Kay is easily, you know.

Wait, I shoot in the low 70s in golf. I really do. You shoot in the low 70s, huh? That's crazy for a guy in the high 80s. Ron, how old are you? Got to hit that. Boom, pow. Give him some symbols. Ron, keep the focus, Ron.

How old are you? 65. 65. Fuck, yeah, Ron. How old are you? 65. 65. Yeah, you don't look a day over 92. That's incredible. Looking good. Ron, you're a testament to being a dealer and how it doesn't affect you physically or emotionally.

Everyone says Vegas dealers have great health. It looks like it's been a really long time since you've taken a craps. Oh, Jesus. Again, for you podcast listeners, you're missing a really big pot belly if you haven't caught on to it. Is your cell phone going off? I can relate. Tony, it's the operation.

I believe you. Yeah, it's the operation. It's a hernia. Oh, that's a hernia? Yeah. Oh, man. That's more like a hymnia. It's a hernia. Oh, that's a hernia? Yeah. Oh, man, that's more like a hymnia. It's a big one. Yeah, he was trying to...

Do you have health care? Does the casino... Oh, yeah, it's amazing. The bill for the hospital, three months in the hospital in a coma, the bill was $1.8 million. When you turn 65, get Medicare, but get a supplement.

The Kill Tony fan base, well known for being very near 65, get Medicare, but get a supplement. My share of the one point. The Kill Tony fan base, well known for being very near 65. My share of the one point. Bernie Sanders, ladies and gentlemen. $3. He still has a chance. He's not out of the race. Hashtag Bernia. Thank you.

Come on. You've got to be hot on the table. Ron, do you ever jerk off to porn on the internet? Have you figured out that internet thing yet? You have the internet where you live? Jerk off on the internet? Do you have I've been feeling fine, baby You got the question messed up, Ron

I didn't ask you if you've jerked off on the internet Like he has a web show He thinks that the internet. Like he has a web show. He thinks that the internet is like an actual solid thing that he's once jerked off. No, he's got his own show where he jerks off. Hi, I'm Ron. I'm going to jerk off on my hernia. Do you have the internet where you live?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I just got a cordless phone. Are we doing that again? When he jerks off, you just like sling your balls over your shoulder and then just start jacking it. Ron, Ron, over here, buddy.

So with this internet that you have at home, have you ever, do you go on, do you ever look at porn on the internet? Sometimes. You never do? No, no. You still look at the magazines? internet? Sometimes. You never do?

No. You still look at the magazines? Every time I try to do that, it blocks it. What's your favorite kind of woman? She just goes down and it just says... Now that you're single, when you fantasize about something, how do you do it? With a magazine, a book? Do you draw it?

Every Sunday morning. My telephone. You do it with the telephone. Oh, he's got porno on the telephone. You have phone sex. Yes. Okay, well can we do something fun? Can we, uh, can we you just close your eyes, pretend like you're on the phone, and we're gonna call into a phone sex thing, and uh, how would

you start, how would, okay, go ahead. That's not the right music for that, Brian. Alright, so you just called in. Here goes the ringtone. Beep! Hello? Hey, stud. Don't.

And he looked at me! So what would you say to that if you were having phone sex right now? Wait a second. That's an old joke. I had great sex last night. Just last night. Whose old jokes are these? Tremendous sex.

Problem was I was all alone. It was terrible. Oh, my God. Ron. I can't imagine why he would be confused. Yeah, I'm alone now. Oh, my God. But my memories of all...

You were great in Grumpy Old Men. If Ron had a favorite porn category, it'd be World War II. Ron, where's your Life Alert badge? I've fallen and I can't get up! On to the Kill Tony stage! Tommy Lee Jones! Tommy Lee Tony stage Tommy Lee Jones Tommy Lee Jones Tommy Lee Jones no, Walter Matthau, right?

yeah, I can see Walter Matthau is he alive? I hope what? I don't know no, he is, everything's cool, Ron he's totally alive tell us something like

in your 65 years or whatever tell us something cool about yourself that you've accomplished or something like in your 65 years or whatever Tell us something cool about yourself that you've accomplished Or something like that I was a dog trainer We had two or three hundred dogs when I was a kid My parents raised and bred dogs We lived on a farm in New Jersey Something interesting Ron

I mean who the fuck saw that coming, huh? And I think we finally found the answer to the age-old question, who let the dogs out? Who let the dogs out? Ron. Ron. Ron. If I want to get a dog, if I want to get a dog,

what is Irish setter? Why? Why Irish setter? You didn't know what I was going to say If I want to get a dog and I want to fuck it to death Great question Why Irish setters You think they're the best breed

Irish setter would be the best breed Because they're well tempered With kids He's not bringing kids He just said you had a kid kid Yeah I guess I have to have children now He's not bringing kids Yo Ron He just said you had a kid kid Kosta Yeah Guess I have to have children now Yeah

They're very well tempered with kids They're very Wait What makes you think I have a bunch of kids Just Or am I a kid to you No If you have kids

I see Then you have an Irish setter What if you live They will never bite They're very smart Extremely smart Okay I've been feeling Oh sorry I got it They will never bite. They're very smart. Extremely smart.

I've been feeling... That's good to know. Irish Center, everybody. Ron, what's the best possible name for a dog? What's the best dog name? We named our first dog Morty. Did you do your taxes also? We have a Jewish dog. Big sherry.

Oh, I didn't get him over here. Maureen. Oh, Maureen. And Mike Clancy. Mike? You named a dog Mike? Yes. Our first, second dog was named Mike, so we called our kennel.

What do you think the kennel was called? First dog Maury, second dog Mike named Mike, so we called her Kennel. What do you think the Kennel was called? First dog, Maury. Second dog, Mike. M&M. Maury, Mike, Kennel. Maury, Mike, Kennel. Wow, it was even fucking more diabolical than I ever could have predicted. You know, my dad bought a dog, and it was half cockapoo and half peekapoo,

and he used to call it a cockapeekapoo-poo. Wow. You were in Fantag. I'll bet you, and he used to call it a cock-a-peek-a-poo-poo. Wow. You were in fan tag. I love that you, man. That joke was just for him. What's the worst breed of a dog? We're just being bullies now.

Chihuahua. What? They'll nip and bite and bark, and they're just not... And those lousy Mexicans are attached to them. It sounds like Ron wants to

build a wall against these chihuahuas and have them build it themselves. There you go. Do you hate Mexicans? What's your least favorite race, Ron? Least favorite race. Answer the question, Ron, before I have to repeat it again. Least favorite race. Go ahead. Human race. Least favorite race. Answer the question, Ron, before I have to repeat it again. Least favorite race. Go ahead. Human race.

Least favorite race would be... Oh, he's going to answer. Please just say the Boston Marathon at this point. You know what? Forget it. I don't want an answer, Ron. I don't want an answer. The least favorite race would be... Don't answer.

Don't answer, Ron. Don't answer. I love Polar. I got anybody Polish. I love Polish. Polish? Oh, yeah. Love the Polish. He really loves them.

But they do not... He loves them in the way that Hitler did. You know what I mean? He wants to gather them all on trains. Nobody's Polish, right? Yeah. Okay. Well, how many take a night bulb out?

They lost the formula. They don't have ice. You know why? Right, right. They lost the formula. They don't have ice. You know why? Right. They lost the formula. Yeah. Wow, Ron. The king of the setups, Ron Kay.

It was so nice to meet you. Thank you, buddy. Anything else for Ron? Congratulations on both your first and your last stand-up appearance of all time. Sorry about your... There he goes. Louis B.C., everybody. Louis B.C.

Thank you, Ron. Good luck with your health care, man. Fuck yeah. There he goes. There he goes. Geriatric Seinfeld. There he goes. Fuck yeah.

Dude. Oh, he's kicking ass. High five and everything. This is like in Caddyshack when the priest goes golfing. You know he's going to die at the end of this, right? This is like the greatest night of his life. No one in this room saw Caddyshack. That's all.

Just so you know. Ronke, you're a good dude. There he goes. You can sit down. You don't have to. He's the only guy to be both on the Kill Tony list and Schindler's List. I don't know. Something like that.

He's a good dude, man. Well played, sir. Well played. Red Band led me in with the music. What an interesting group of guests we've had. Three comics have all men. It's what I love about this show. Absolutely anything can happen.

This bucket is crazy. You guys ready to meet your next fucking comedian? Yeah! Alright. Here we go. Looks like another new name. Good handwriting. Julian Fernandez.

Want to get something out of the way? I'm not Native American. I'm not Hawaiian. I will realize I have very small eyes. It's just because it's very bright. I'm really high. That's all it is. I'll let you guys know I'm 100% Mexican. 100%. I know I don't really come off it I'm really light skinned which was a big issue when I was a kid

I remember my brother and my sister used to try to convince me I was white and adopted funny now but it worked I believe them 100% and I remember running to my mom in tears just crying mom am I adopted I'll never forget this mom

looked at me in the eye she started tearing up herself she said Julian believe me when I tell you I would never adopt you fucked up but I believe her. Another big thing. I'm kind of a weird Mexican. I hate tamales, which is a big sin if you're Mexican. It's kind of fucked up, yeah. It's like hearing an Asian person hates rice,

or a black person hates chicken, or a white person hates privilege. It sounds weird. My name is Julian. Thank you very much. Fuck yeah. Julian Fernandez. How's it going, buddy? Going good.

Yourself? You've been on this show before, right? Yes, I have. Once before? Yeah, with Jamar Neighbors and Mike Lawrence. How did it go that time? It was fun. I did some impressions for you guys. Oh, yeah.

Very good. Yes. We all remember that clearly. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, like yesterday. I just want to say, after all the nonsense that we just went through I mean for you to come up

and just like get the crowd to be like oh he's going to actually tell jokes and listen to you that's a testament to what you're doing very hard to do it's hard to do that it's very very hard to follow Ron K especially while

trying to drive to a destination. Sorry, no. I cut you off. I was just going to say, by the way, Ron K, sound asleep right now. Exhausted. Out like a light. Still waiting for one of those employees to wash his hands.

Julian, how long have you been doing stand-up? He turned into the 1940s all of a sudden. See, we've got to wash your hands. I think Ron K, ever since he first really started. Julian, how long have you been doing stand-up? He turned into the 1940s all of a sudden. Ah, see? We got to wash our hands. I didn't think Panoram K ever since he first really started. Oh, can we order two tennis balls for Ron Waitstaff? Why would he need two tennis balls?

Put on the bottom of his walker. Oh. Oh. Yeah. On ice. He didn't have a walker, though. Now back to the Mexican. Which he was just about to say the race he didn't like.

But anyway. Wow. Do you like doing racial humor? I don't do it a lot, but... Do you think you have to? No, but when it comes to just talking about myself, I think it's... You go with that first? Yeah.

Because it's usually people's first guess. But you got a white guy radio voice. Yeah, I know. Oh, yeah? I'm worn. Sure do. So what does a cop do when they pull you over? They're just like, what the fuck are you, dude?

Just tell me the truth, bro. Because the most Latino thing about you is the haircut. That slicked back. Yeah, pretty much. And even that's not even really... Because the most Latino thing about you is the haircut. That slicked back. Yeah, pretty much. And even that's not even really. Well, he's got the wet top to go with the wet. I don't think he was Samoan with that haircut. What?

He had a wet top. Should I check his back? Whoa. Who do you? Look what you've done to me. You ever blow a cop to get out of a speeding ticket? Never what? Nothing.

Don't bring your personal shit into this. Julian, what do you do for work? How do you make money? I work at Universal Studios. I'm a tour guide. Yeah, that's that voice. Yeah, you got a very... To your left, we have Jaws.

To your right... Yeah. What part... Do you do the same part of the tour? The whole thing? Is it just like... How does that work? To your left, we have Jaws. To your right? Yeah. Do you do the same part of the tour or the whole thing? Is it just like, how does that work? Are you on the tram? Yeah, I'm on the tram. Do you make it funny?

Do you make it funny? I try my best, yeah. Can you give us an example of one of the jokes that you do on the tram? Give us a joke. Give us your winner. I know you've got one. You can't wait. I'm on the tram.

We're like, here it comes. Here it comes. We're on the tram. We're on the tram right now. We're on the tram. Oh, fuck. All right. If you don't do one quick, we're going to have Tam Fam come up here. Or Jeremiah is going to do it.

My favorite. We call the mechanical shark for Jaws. His name is actually Bruce. He's named after Steven Spielberg's lawyer. There you go. Oh, that was it. Whoa. That's all you get, you non-paying pieces of garbage.

That's usually the reaction it gets, too. But I think it's funny. I don't know. Is that your closer? No. You have such a white guy radio voice, don't you? That's what I'm saying. You should be talking about that up front.

Yeah. Valeria, I would love to attend your quinceanera. You really do. Who is Jeremiah? You've created a monster. This is your fault. Jeremiah is a fucking monster all of a sudden. Yeah.

He's gotten a little better at getting roasty, and I've gotten a little better at being goofy since we've all joined forces. And Red Band's got better at turning up the volume. Yeah, we've given Red Band more buttons to press. Every little comment has got a button. And I love that it's like a McDonald's cash register. You know what I mean?

Is that an app that's like 99 cents? Or is that like a legit? No, it's totally free. It's free? Is that free? Yeah. Yeah. That's so funny. That last

sound, surprisingly, was called boing. Yep. Julian, tell us something interesting about yourself, other than stand-up comedy and stuff like that. Stand-up comedy? You really do have, like,

shockingly tiny eyes. I mean, really. Are you high right now? No. Can you try your best to open them as wide as you can? Oh my god. Wow. Open your eyes. You have beautiful eyes. Open your eyes. You just have a massive forehead is what it is. Let's have Ron K decide how pretty

your eyes actually are. No, he only likes young white boys. Wow, Tony, your eyes are much bluer than I thought they'd be. I have a lot of fodder for my nightmares tonight. And I love how he moseyed over to you. I'm going to fuck him tonight. Here I am, real.

We need to get Eric Griffin to a karaoke bar. Yeah, I love karaoke. Thank God that'd be awesome. Do you get a lot of stage time around town or what? I try to do as much as I can.

Yeah, be more specific. I try to get up every day, at least in mics and then I try to book a show at least a week. Is the open mic scene pretty good here

in LA right now? Well, I don't live out here in LA. I live out in Inland Empire. Inland Empire's got a great mic scene. How's the open mic

scene out there? How's the open mic scene out there? How's the open eyes scene out there? Oh, you wouldn't know. How's the open mic scene in the Inland Empire? There's a few here and there, but there's nothing really going on. I try my best to get out here more often. Listen to your voice. You ever do a podcast or anything like that?

What's your podcast about? I've been on guests on podcasts. Is it called Tram Talk? Welcome to Smooth Tram Radio. Here we go. Welcome to... Just complaining about everybody that comes on the tram. That'd be great.

Welcome to... These fuckers on the tram. I don't think you can call them trams anymore. Yeah. Eric. Trammies. Do you get tips? I don't want those tr call them trams anymore. Yeah. Eric. Trammies. Do you get tips? I don't want those trammies in my bathroom.

Do they tip you? Yeah. Do you get tips? Really? What? Yeah. Can you ask for tips? No.

They're probably not allowed to get tips. Yeah, but maybe. Do people ever see you and pull out smelling salts and try to wake you up? I don't know about you. I always carry pull out smelling salts and try to wake you up? I don't know about you. I always carry a couple smelling salts with me. Well, because you're rapey. Right before you leave her house, you go, you run out of there.

Like when you laugh, they go like all the way shit. You can't see shit when you laugh, huh? Like right now. I can see pretty well. It looks like I can't see anything, but I see everything pretty very clearly. That probably sucks at the DM laugh, huh? Like right now. I can see pretty well. It looks like I can't see anything, but I can see everything pretty very clearly. That probably sucks at the DMV, huh? Can you see that baseball that's coming? No. How old are you, Julian? 24. Alright. You are one of the

funniest young sumo wrestlers we've ever had on the show. What do your parents do for work? My dad drives for UPS. My mom, she works at a law firm. You're like the Mexican Cosby's over here. UPS. And he's Mexican. So what can Brown do for you?

You know what I mean? Multiple ways. Give it to me! Thank you! Double Brown. You're going, Brown town! Julian, I'm going to ask you the same question that I asked Ron Kay. Craziest thing you've ever jerked off to on the internet? Craziest thing I've ever jerked off to? Yeah.

Well, I tried to ask Ron that. We ended up finding out that he just has phone sex still. Ron Kay checks the porn on his phone. I use the telephone. Or he doesn't, like, fuck himself with the phone. You know what I mean? I put... It'd be a great app.

The yellow pages is the internet. That's what he thinks it is. I like to put it on vibrate and sit it on the bench and sit in my bathtub. I should have said shower, and I fucked that one up. Shower would have gotten 30% more of a laugh, strangely enough. Good point. Anyway, yeah, it's a different picture. Bathtub, it's like, why would there be a bench?

And shower, it's an old man thing. Anyway. Ron, how many times, just yell it from your seat, how many times in the middle of the night do you average get up to go pee? Three. Very good. Three. Very good.

By the way, he gave a number two. I've been feeling that! He held up three. Put up the number two, gave a number two. I've been feeling that! He held up three. Put up the number two, said the number three, and probably took a number one all at the same time. Oh, my God.

Julian. All right, man. Well, great. That was great. Anything else for Julian, guys? No, man. I enjoyed it. Keep it up.

You're funny, man. Keep it up. There he goes. Julian Fernandez, man. I enjoyed it. Keep it up. You're funny, man. Keep it up. There he goes. Julian Fernandez, everybody. He's on Twitter. He's the first person other than TamFamComedy and CreepyComedy on Twitter. He's JJFComedy.

Everybody has comedy in their Twitter handle, just to remind you. God, it was weird to talk to somebody who I felt like their brain functioned normally. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I don't know. We were like, what's weird about this guy? We'll find something. You know it's weird when you see a guy that can't open his eyes

and you're like, finally a normal one. All right. Put your hands together. You know what I love about this is that the handwriting is very interesting. It really tells a lot, doesn't it? It does. It really does.

This is, by the way, you are at episode 160 of this live show right now. Wow. Yeah. So, you know, it's sort of like a crazy control booth. And you're totally right. The handwriting tells a lot. Like this one sort of, I don't know. We're going to see.

This looks like a new name, though. Anything can happen, guys. Put your hands together for Jamie Alexis. Jamie Skird. Excuse me. Put your hands together for Anthony Dasomito. Cool, cool, cool.

Thank you, Red Band. So I read somewhere that talking to yourself is a sign of genius, which means I highly underestimated everybody at my bus stop. Just a bunch of philosophers in front of that safeway. So I think the ambulances are the drag queens of the road. Because you can hear them coming down the street.

And everybody gets out of their way. And there's usually somebody dead inside. It's weird because for a gay guy, I'm like morbidly obese, but for a lesbian guy I'm like morbidly obese but for a lesbian I'm right on point wow

holy shit holy shit this is one of those moments that's what makes the show fun you're a killer man Anthony, decimito everybody am I saying that right? yes you are

and I thought that was like I said. Same with the last guy, but you even did it even more so. You just came up and owned us all. Yeah. That was fucking great. You made me laugh, genuinely laugh. Eric doesn't laugh. I don't laugh.

He doesn't laugh. No. What's your story? You've been on this seven years. You're from Portland, Oregon. I've been doing it for five years, and I'm from Phoenix, Arizona. That was going to be my first fucking guess. Really?

But I didn't guess it because the other guy was from fucking Arizona. I came here with Jonathan. Did you? For real? Really? Holy shit. I didn't realize he had a sidecar on his motorcycle. Fuck yeah. He has a sidecar and his motorcycle, but Anthony still rode on the back.

It's an empty sidecar. What's all this clothes? Don't go too fast. Clothes and snacks, you know what I mean? Anthony, I love your style. You're owning it. Oh, I'm sorry. No, I mean, go ahead. I was going to say, I love your style. You're owning it. Oh, I'm sorry. No, I mean, go ahead.

I was just going to say, I was wondering if you were going to say that you were gay or not, you know, in the 60 seconds. Because we were all like, is he gay? Welcome to another episode of Gay in 60 Seconds. Nicolas Cage, ironically, is in that one too.

Always the indicator. Do they immediately start dancing to that song? It's the final test. I don't know if you guys saw him just start to fucking do the robot. He put Madonna on. He can't even help it. Is that something you go right, when you do a longer set, do you like to talk about that right away?

Is that something that you want to address because there's an elephant in the room? Yeah. No offense. I address it right away. What was that? Yeah. No offense. I address it right away. Yes. What was that? Thank you over there. The big gay elephant

in the room. Yeah. I address it right away. I usually start off by saying homo estas. Ah, that'll do it. That'll do it.

Love it. Well, you own it. It's like, I'm just curious. That's not actual real Spanish. Love it. Well, you own it. I'm just curious. Jeremiah, that's not actual real Spanish. Thank you. No, Jeremiah's mad he didn't use that in high school.

He would have been his one. So funny. Oh, sorry. How old is that ambulance joke? This is the second time I do it. It's the second time you've ever told that joke? Yes. Oh, wow. Wow. That is a killer time I do it. It's the second time you've ever told that joke? Yes. Oh, wow.

Wow. That is a killer joke. Thank you. One thing I really liked about your comedy was how in the first joke you told, talking to yourself, I thought it was really good how you tagged it up after with the Safeway. I think a lot of people, including myself, I'm getting real for a second. That's why we're here. We always forget to tag up a great joke.

Like if it's funny and it got laughs, you can get even more laughs by adding something on the end of it. And you did a great job of that. How long have you been doing it? That's a proper tip. Five years. Five years. Five years. All right.

You're almost, you're comfortable with yourself now and you're like, what subjects do you want to talk about? I've been talking a lot. I grew up in Mexico, so I've been trying to talk about that recently. I know. It sucked. Isn't it funny that the two Mexican guys don't talk Mexican at all, whatever that means? They do have chihuahuas, though. What do you do for work, Anthony?

I am a freelance video editor. We've got a big video editor, but... We got a big video editor crew over here, ladies and gentlemen. Any avid users in the house? Any Final Cut Pro heads? What's going on, dudes? What's up? Any premiere people? Is it mostly

solo scenes or in the back of a car? Or... Freelance video editing. Sidecar of a motorcycle. That's how you make your money? No, no, yes. Yes, that, but...

No, I've never been on a motorcycle, actually. The question was, how do you make your money? There's so much going on. I'm sorry. He was tagging the joke, man. He was listening to him. So how do you make your money? I ran out kind of unemployed. I just moved to L. I'm sorry. I know. He was tagging the joke, man. Like, he was listening to him. So how do you make your money?

I ran out kind of unemployed. I just moved to L.A. like three days ago. Oh, cool. Oh, wow. I think it's funny. He moved to L.A. three days ago. He wrote a joke about being dead inside two days ago. Welcome to L.A.

My soul is dead. You're in the right place. Fuck yeah, Anthony. Is that sangria? Sangria for man? Yeah, it's like twice the alcohol. It's super strong. It's probably a little different than the sangria

that you down every night. It's probably a little different than the Mangria that you down every night. Yeah. It's not a bottle of cum. Even though it probably is about that thick and fucking long. This is not a bottle of Jonathan Gregory semen. It's just blood. Oh. I'll count your tits

I'll count your tits jiggling as you dancing on that one Anthony wow that's fun are you excited to be gay in LA rather than Phoenix because it seems like it'd be a hard place you know what I mean it seems like there's a lot of haters there I mean are you Latino

as well right yeah so you already's a lot of haters there. I mean, are you Latino as well, right? Yeah. So you already got a lot going against you in Arizona. Yeah. So they hate your guts. Yeah, Arizona. Yeah, you're a dime a peso. Being Mexican and gay there, it was just like, I could get shot just like going to McDonald's. Yeah. They want to build a wall around you

around the wall for Mexicans. Yeah. Like a double wall. I'll break through it like the Kool-Aid man. Oh, yeah! Yeah! Well, we know exactly what kind of guy he likes. Fuck yeah.

So it's safe to say you would fuck the shit out of Jeremiah, huh? Oh, wow. Oh, yeah. I think you guys just had a, that was deep. I contact. Oh yeah. You guys just had butt sacks.

Oh, give it to me. Yeah. Tony Hitchman. Fire. Do you have a big chimichanga? Uh, no, you can't follow up butt sacks with that.

Yeah, that goes exactly with that, actually. So, Anthony, you just moved to L.A. What part of town are you living in? I'm living here in Sunset and Las Palmas. Yeah, sounds like that's true. Living here. Where are you living is a pretty straightforward answer. I'm living in the living room.

Oh, you're couch surfing right now. I'm couch surfing. That's his name. Did you find that on Craigslist? His name is Couch. My friend Kirsten. She's letting me and Jonathan crash with her. Where's Jonathan?

You and Jonathan are an interesting duo. Some real like fucking Rocky Bullwinkle shit going on. I'm like sleeping right next to him. And it's really creepy. Good night, Jonathan. Good night! Wait, that Jonathan?

Yeah. Oh my God. I did not sleep at all. That's like a great detective show on Fox that is a funny TV show dude that is a funny fucking TV show faggot and creeps

I think we might have an idea now where Jonathan Gregory's wedding ring got lost at and I poop it out later. The horse sound? Anthony, I actually had a feeling you were going to say that. Redman's just pressing the buttons now. He's just finding animals.

Sometimes it's just too easy. What is sonar? It's like if there was something in the room, like a sonar. That's how you find the ring. That's the ring. No, that's Anthony trolling for dick. That's my gaydar going on. It's going here.

Anthony, have you met up with any... Oh, yeah. Have you hooked up with anybody since being in Los Angeles? No, I haven't. I haven't had time, except for Jonathan Gregory. Oh, I see what you did there. That doesn't count. If you say that too loud, he's probably going to hear you

and just start yelling from whatever part of the city he's in right now. He's sharpening his machete in the background. You guys, please save me. This is his opportunity to try for help. Give me a place to live. You just need to start dating a guy real quick and just crash on his dick. You can always sleep inside of Ron K's

stomach if you want. Yeah, that's true. When Luke Skywalker's not sleeping in it... You're funny, dude. You made me laugh. You guys thought that Star Wars joke just slipped right by you?

You know what I should have said? Leo and the Revenant. Leo slept in Ron K's belly in the Revenant. See how much Ron K's belly in the Revenant. See how much better it is? Even when they knew it was fucking coming. And everyone knows Leo's gay so that would make more sense. Is that true? He's bisexual. Whoa.

I did not know that. Leonardo DiCaprio. So you know someone directly that has... I think he's open about it. Do you want to put him in his DiCaprio? Am I wrong? Was I misinformed?

Son of a bitch Trust me In his DiCaprio Red Band's just really pleading a case over here While the rest of us are trying to make jokes He is not gay Don't do this to me That's the only time all night

Red Band hasn't played a sound effect Yeah Not my DiCaprio. Don't you even tell me Leo's gay. Anthony, tell us, do your parents know everything about, when did you come out to them?

When did you come out of the... 16 years old. I came out a long time ago. When you're Mexican, do they call it coming out of the shed? Or is it still a closet? Yes.

Well, at 16, they know something's up because most Mexicans are pregnant by 14. No, if I was a Mexican girl, I would have like five babies by now. But you can't get a butt pregnant. Yeah. Why do you sound excited about it? Why do you? Really great stuff, Anthony. You're a natural.

Incredible stuff. Very funny. Good sport. Keep it up. There he goes. Anthony Decemito, everybody. He's on Twitter at Anthony Decemito. Funny guy.

You got to spell that. It's like Bill Burrito. Luis C. Quesadilla. Anybody? Guys, I could go. Jimmy Chonga. I'm a fucking machine. Anthony DeSimito is on Twitter.

Anthony DeSimito, all one word. D-E-S-A-M-I-T-O. All right. Where can we go? I'm tired. How can we? Why don't we put the regulars up and then we'll go back to the bucket for one last bonus one at the end so that not everybody leaves.

Put your hands together for your first regular tonight. You know her. Her always nervous stylings are something to watch. Sometimes it's electric. Sometimes, you know, we're working here with one of the newest comedians in the world. A new minute every single week. Put your hands together for Melissa Esslinger, everybody. Woo!

I was born a Jedi, but my lightsaber was powered by generic batteries. It's like I got a lightsaber on Christmas morning and for whatever reason, even though they knew it needed to have batteries, they still had to get mad at me and go to 7-Eleven. But when my lightsaber doesn't work, I just put a helmet on.

Because anybody wearing a helmet that's 26 years old, nobody's going to fuck with you. I don't think there's one evil person in the world that wouldn't back off from a helmet on an adult. This is one of those times for my helmet. That's all I got.

There you go. 55 seconds of thunder and lightning from Melissa Essling. Working it out. That's fun. That sounds true and real. And you worked it into something and it grew the whole time. That was really great. It's fun to see you get out of that little rut that you were in for a few weeks. How about one more hand for Melissa Esslinger?

Not easy to do. That's fun. You got through it. It seemed like that really happened. You got a lightsaber when you were a kid, huh? No, but a lot of things that needed batteries, and we never had batteries. You do seem like you actually own a helmet, do you?

Somewhere, yeah. It's got fish on it. That's fun. Is this the first time you've seen Melissa? This is the first time I've seen her perform, and I loved how honest that seemed. You know, I guess,

I guess it felt like that was a real thing and whether it's true or not, if it felt like it was real, that's the point. Oh, totally. A lot of comics just tell jokes sometimes

and you don't really feel like a personal connection, but generic batteries is a great topic. It says a lot about you and your family. It's a perfect way to explain a lot about who you and your

world is to all of us. I thought that was really good and really funny. I want to ask, are you incredibly nervous right now, aren't you? My body is. I feel like a rapist all of a sudden. My body is nervous.

Okay, but come on. You're very nervous right now. But I want to say this. One, I appreciate that since you've done this a few times, you prepared for it. So you're like, okay, I have a minute, and you went through this. This is like a great exercise for doing comedy properly or trying to build an act. So that's a great skill you've learned. And the second thing is I can tell that you're through this, this is like a great exercise for doing comedy properly or trying to build an act.

So that's a great skill you've learned. And the second thing is I can tell that you're very nervous, but even with that, you still came up here and just sold it and did it, so you're able to deal with that nervousness because some people just can't do that. You know what I mean? So that's a real – for auditioning, for a lot of things, but you just got to work on not being so visibly nervous where we're like, oh shit, is he going to fall?

But even just dealing with that, I commend you on dealing with it. Especially after all of this, and you know Jeremiah's going to talk. What did you do different than last week? What was something different you did than last week? Because last week was really

hard. Last week was so terrible, Brian you did than last week? Because last week, you know, it was really hard. Last week was so terrible, Brian's still ragging on you about it right now. No, I just want to know the difference. You absolutely had a way different set this week. You were focused. You wrote material. Absolutely. What was the difference?

Just the writing, or did you go up more? I went camping over the weekend. I like that. Got your mind off everything. Can I ask something? So last week she came up and it wasn't very good. No, she... And then you came back this week with this? Oh, even.

I commend you even more. Thanks. Yeah. For even more. This is... Because I wouldn't have done that when I first started. I had horrible experiences. This is a very unique way to develop as a comic.

Because most people, when they do open mics, getting better, it's not in front of 100, 200 people that are actually listening. It's in front of three comics. So it's not, for one, there's more stakes here, and people are actually listening. What I was going to say in response to

what Eric said, you look nervous, but you speak clearly and loudly. And if we couldn't hear you, you'd be fucked. So I'm cool if she looks nervous, as long as she doesn't sound nervous. You were shaking, but you absolutely killed it. And I think that's perfect for the special Muhammad Ali episode. Well, maybe that's what she was doing.

No respect! No respect! Why, did something happen? Yeah, a black guy died. I am just a boxer and he's seen a singer's song and he's shown... The Paul Simon thing?

Nobody heard that? Wow. The Paul Simon thing? That'd be topical. It's going well when you gotta announce what it is. The Paul Simon thing? Nobody heard that? Wow. The Paul Simon thing? That'd be topical. You know it's going well when you gotta announce what it is. The Paul Simon thing?

Melissa, that was great. Writing a new minute and performing it is one of the hardest things in the world for a new comic. Especially a follow-up with a follow-up set. Keep adding on

to the generic battery shit. That was funny, dude. Keep doing good. Maybe have a generic battery dildo. It only gets you halfway there. Any other? You guys want to give me other ones? Oh, God.

Take your mind off stuff more often. Thank you, Happy McHackerson. If going camping for a day or two was good for you, then, you know, you don't have to go all the way to wherever to get away. You can go to a fucking hilltop or something and just think for a few hours. It seems like it's going to help you. You're a very high-strung person. You're already less nervous, too. Look at you. Getting out of the city.

Don't be comfortable! Look out! Behind you! It's true. She was shaking a lot more and now she's not shaking at all. Which, by the way, I think is perfect for the Muhammad Ali episode. It's actually funnier that time,

but it won't get... She wasn't shaking, but then she... I am just a box of innocent, innocent. You know the Paul Simon thing, guys? There she goes, Melissa Esslinger with a brand new round. Roundhog Day. There you go.

Somebody's going to be on a mania for the rest of the night. Just stay away from Jonathan Gregory and everything will be fine. Nice job. Don't be scared. We have one other regular. Oh. She has been doing the show with Melissa for a few months now.

How far are you guys going to go? If it doesn't work the first two times, let's double down on the third. Put your hands together for your next regular, Vanessa Johnston, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, shit. Guys, I didn't go to college. And when I graduated high school, I applied for a job as an assistant.

When I got to the interview, the guy was like, so you're gonna be making coffee. Do you have a college degree? I was like, no. He was like, our coffee maker's really complicated. Because it's like so crazy to me, because like what you learn in college is useless for like 80 of the jobs in the united states you know but like colleges want to make money any way they can so they say everyone needs to go to college like everyone even fucking down syndrome droopy-eyed little jimmy who can't even see the textbook so that when he graduates he can spend the rest of his life working at the arc light to pay it off.

Stand-ups hard. There you go. Exactly a minute. Vanessa Johnston. Fuck yeah. It's going to be very hard for people to laugh at a person like you making fun of Down Syndrome people.

Maybe you should try this, though. Maybe she does this. No, no, no. I don't think tagging it's going to help that one. Yeah. No, it's weird because so originally it was longer and I had to shorten it to make it a minute

because it was a minute 30. I didn't know until right before and I was like, fuck. Like a Down syndrome, like the joke itself. You had to lose a chromosome or two. You had to cut it. No, yeah. I mean, it sounds mean, but like... It was on fire today, everybody.

Hey, Red Band, play that Down syndrome track. Obity, obity, play that Down Syndrome track. Obity, obity, obity, obity. You don't have a Down Syndrome queued up already? He actually does. That's crazy. All right, now that's pretty talented right there. Seriously, I mean, that's what you think of when you hear those sea lions

and you're at a hotel near the beach. Don't do that. Don't rationalize the Down Syndrome sound effect. Tony makes a great point. I mean, it's going to be hard. You're a pretty woman. It's going to be hard for people to like you enough initially

to let you make fun of a person with Down Syndrome. I'm not saying you can't do it. I'm not saying you can't do it. They need to like you first. No, I know, 100%. The problem was the original bit was longer, so the middle of it was making fun of the colleges

because colleges now offer degrees for people with special needs. Your voice, by the way, sounds like a 12-year-old boy from New York named Joey. Like a bully. You have the voice of a 12-year-old male bully named Joey. So anyway. This fucking guy. Dude, I don't know. She still gives me a cowaboner.

Oh, shit. Do you just think of that now, an hour and a half after the start of the show it's called a cow a callback dude come on man don't be a cowabunga over here dude wow well you're really beating a dead cowabunga over there well i mean all right i would say like in this instance right now it's just one of those where you just go well that just didn't work out right now okay like trying to explain like how you were gonna make that funny is not you know i mean it's like whatever yeah so i just think it's like one of those you go oh this didn't work i mean you always gonna have to combat against what they're saying you're coming out here and you're like you know down syndrome whatever it is you

just gotta own it no matter what it is, you got to own it. And there's a little nervousness going up after everything that's going on. And then you just didn't sell that one. That's all it is. And I'll bet you anything that there's something. Did you end up getting the job with the coffee thing? No, I didn't. You didn't get it.

They really wanted. They got a Keurig and she didn't get the job. Jeremiah, I am in love with you tonight. You know, it's funny that he says that because I was thinking that myself too.

When you started saying that stuff, my first thought was like, I don't believe none of this. So then now my brain just went someplace else and then you're standing in front of me so I'm like, try not to look at your booty.

You know what I mean? Whoa. It just becomes that. Pubular just becomes that you know but i'm saying like you gotta own whatever you have to own these things you know and it's just okay like i always find that it's hard for attractive girls to talk about you know whatever they're going to talk about like if this was a guy up here we wouldn't care if a guy was up here talking about down syndrome people it wouldn't be a fucking issue we would just be like, oh, it was funny or not. So immediately, because this is a pretty girl, we got to be like, well, hey, you can only talk about certain things. But that's just the reality of it.

So I'm just saying, like, you just got to own this more. Everything. Hang six. You know? It's true. Like, Jim, Chris Farley falling on a table is a lot funnier than fucking Rob Lowe falling on a table

you know it is the same not to me anyway fuck Rob Lowe is that true is that true that there's degrees for kids with down syndrome

yeah dude so look you just told that to me not during the joke no I know and I think that is a hilarious fascinating topic.

You're going to have to figure out how to navigate that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I didn't realize you could get a bachelor's in finger painting. Yeah. Exactly. I just thought like that. They were like alternative textbooks. It was like what?

Like Dr. Seuss? Like, you know? Yeah. They're charging like $40,000. Fuck you, broadband. Okay, bye. It's a tough subject. I think we just got to see a part that was cut, right?

It's a tough subject. And, you know, look, every joke has a degree of difficulty, right? And as you get better and more skilled at stand-up comedy, I believe you can take on higher degrees of difficulty. That is a high degree of difficulty. Absolutely. I'm not saying you can't do it, but you may want to put that on the back boner you just didn't do it

I totally agree with that but this is totally you know you're in one of those situations where you're on such an interesting path having to write and perform a new minute every week in front of everybody that with that said I've always looked at it like taking chances like that is like working out with ankle weights on

so that A other jokes are going to be better by you taking those chances. And then who knows? You go back and you remember that you used to do like a half thing about that. And with your new weaponry, you might be able to knock that out of the park. Yes. And I will say this again. If you go up here and do this and it doesn't work, just go, oh, that one didn't work. You don't got to explain and you rationalize why it wasn't funny.

You know what I mean? Because we all say shit that's not funny. Yeah. So just go, well, what's funny? All the time. Like you've seen Eric on the show tonight. See, that didn't work. You know what I mean?

It doesn't work. You know, but he's not going, you know, a minute ago I was going to say it like this and then I was going to like, you know. You don't have to do that. It's just he didn't work. We move on. You know what I mean? Also, if you do work out with ankle weights, I would recommend Runyon Canyon.

There's a lot of other people that use ankle weights up there as well. See, once again, jokes don't always work. You know what I'm saying? Okay, thank you. And if you like working out with ankle weights, Jonathan Gregory has some cement shoes that he'd love to strap on you, take you on a little boat trip. Well, you know who does actually use ankle weights? Call back. Those fucking Down Syndrome kids. Jonathan Gregory has some cement shoes that he'd love to strap on you, take you on a little boat trip. Well, you know who does actually use ankle weights? Call back. Those fucking Down Syndrome kids.

Fuck yeah. It's raining men. Hallelujah. Anywho. Vanessa Johnston. There she goes, everybody. A brand new minute from Vanessa Johnston There she goes Make a chance Another brand new minute From Vanessa Johnston

Thank you There she goes What goes up We did it Must come down Do we get paid for this Yeah Yeah

Wait wait When did that start I'm gonna pull one more name Out of the bucket Is that cool with you guys? It's Ron K. There's a whole Asian table over there. I didn't notice that.

It is? I love this podcast because I stood up the second time after that terrible joke, and this man right here goes, sit the fuck down. You will never fucking believe what name I just pulled out of this bucket. Jeremiah Watkins? No. Everybody,

this seed was planted on this show earlier, and I cannot fucking believe that I get to say this right now for the first time ever on this show. Wow. Put your hands together for Ichabod. Yeah!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!!!!! Hi. My name is Ichabod. I like hookers. I like hookers because

a hooker will never walk up to me with a clipboard and ask me if I'm registered to vote. Can I talk about GMOs, genetically modified food? They make giant red tomatoes as big as my hand. Giant watermelons with no seeds. They have cattle with the beef and the fat perfectly balanced for the superior deliciousness. But I think they've gone too far with these boneless chickens.

That's fucked up. Wow. Ichabod. How excited am I right now? Hey, Red Band. Hey, what's up? Hey, guys. He knows Red Band.

Kid Rock has really let himself go, huh? I mean... Can I say my favorite part about this whole thing? Yeah. Those jokes were written down. In this part. If you're going to write it down, you better deliver it perfectly

because you got the words right fucking there. Hey, Tony, I have a question for Ichabod. Yes, Jeremiah. Is your mother's maiden name Golem? Stupid fat hobbit son. Super, super, super. We have a really long setup for this one. Oh, wow.

Okay, okay, let's Okay, very good There you go, that was the Ball with the Ball 45 second part of the show Ichabod, what's your story? My name is Smeagol Super fat habit, sis Super Fat Habits Oh my god

No put him back on Put him back on Icabod wow He looks like a white vampire Slayer switchblade. I don't know about you. I'm surprised this guy's friends with Ron Kay. Okay, Ichabod, here we go.

What do you do for work? You definitely don't whistle for work, right? Okay, let's discuss the teeth and get it out of the way. I'm on disability for post-traumatic stress disorder. Post-traumatic stress. But yeah, you killed some of Tam Pham's relatives at some point in your life, I'm guessing. Right? Nothing? Okie dokie.

Are you a vet? Did you serve? No, I'm from Las Vegas. Okay. It's the same difference. Las Vegas, Vietnam, same thing. He serves. He serves. Applebees, you know, Friday nights. Wow.

Those customers. Imperial Palace. Do you always wanted to do comedy? What's your situation with comedy? I've been wanting to do it for over two years now. Ever since you stopped cutting off people's heads on horses, Do you always wanted to do comedy? What's your situation with comedy? Yeah, I've been wanting to do it for over two years now. Oh, right. Ever since you stopped cutting off people's heads on horses. Ichabod's an interesting name. What's it been like going through life with a name like Ichabod?

Well, I was at the bar and people give nicknames. Imagine that. And I got Ichabod. Everyone laughed. And I said, stop laughing or I'll actually change my I got Ichabod. Everyone laughed. And I said, stop laughing. I'll actually change my name to Ichabod. And they laughed harder. You showed them.

So not even on a dare. You just said to them. Ichabod. And after a while, it just kind of stuck. What form of transportation did you and Drunk Kato bring from Vegas? Did you guys like, what is this? Some kind of fucking leopard ride or something like that? No, it's for sure Greyhound.

I called all the ravens in the sky. Ron is your uncle? Yeah. Wow, so this was a family trip. All in the family That's cool You guys came here for this Kill Tony podcast That's fucking awesome

Some of the Kill Tony fans I think actually come here To kill Tony They think that's what they're signing up for And then they get stuck That's fun Can I ask you and Uncle Ronnie how you guys listen to podcasts?

I didn't know podcasts came over AM radio. He goes online. He tries to but what he's trying to explain every time he tries the screen comes up. You downloaded viruses. He's like, fuck, I gotta get a new computer.

No, that viruses, that was your doctor's report, Ichabod. They're clearly on Windows 98 still. You listen to Kill Tony on Uncle Ronnie's computer? No, mine. What, do you have a gateway?

No, he's the only guy that listens to it on a police scanner. Ichabod, how do you... Why was Boing funny for that? Can he just over there looking, I need something, I need something? That's so fun. Ichabod, what are some other hobbies that you have? Hobbies?

Other than scaring people half to death Edgar Allen Poe fan club is the hair attached to the hat if it was that would be really fucked up no where did you get these jokes did you write those jokes or yeah I've been right I got like two hours. You got two hours? Half of those. Well, how did you narrow all that down to a minute?

You got through by the skin of your teeth, I'll tell you. And that's, as we can see, not very much. Nothing on that? Come on. Do you perform in Las Vegas? Do you perform in Las Vegas? Stand-up comedy? Yeah, I've been there for 20 years.

This is my first time, though. No, I know. First time to L.A.? First time doing comedy, right? Yeah. That's amazing, Ichabod. I love it. Do you play any instruments?

I should. You should? Oh, wow. You answered like you played any instruments, just to say you should. Did you help Uncle Ron with the dog training? No, no. So what's an interesting fact about Ichibod other than Ichibod?

He's got an itchy bod. I'm afraid of large bodies of water. Say that again. I'm afraid of large bodies of water. Like the Bellagio Fountains? I had this nightmare when I was a kid about being in my bathtub, but it had no sides or bottom. It was just water everywhere, and it was going dark. And this was like I was three or four.

You were in the bathtub. Yeah. No. But there was no bottom or sides. I was drunk. My mom freaks out. So then she goes, tell me if you have that nightmare. It just keeps coming. So they kept coming, and then I would, like, keep having the nightmares,

but I didn't want to tell her because that freaked her out. Let me ask you something. You're afraid of large bodies of water. Are you afraid of small bodies of water as well? Do you take showers regularly? Oh, yeah, yeah. Every day? No, that's fine.

I just feel like I'm going to drown or that's like, you know, one of those dreams where it's forecasting or foreshadowing. What's that called? The inflated water, for real? Hydrophobia.

Hydrophobia. Thanks, Jeremy. That's the only serious thing he's said all day. Clearly, you suffer from hydrophobia as well. Well, he knows because he lives in a sewer

when he's... Whoa, what's up, dude? What's up? Oh, God. What? Sensei Tony. Ichabod, did you know we have a sword here? Come on.

No, I'm kidding. Would you take your sunglasses off? Awesome. Do lasers shoot out of your eyes? Boom. What is that? Boom. Is that an X-Men reference?

I had a question for Ichabod. Ichabod, is it true what you said? Do you really love hookers? Is that true? TheyMen reference? I had a question for Ichabod. Ichabod, is it true what you said? Do you really love hookers? Is that true? They're fun, yeah. Yeah. Is there anything interesting that you make them do when you have one come over? Do you try to pay them extra to see if they do anything freaky?

Are you just like a blowjob sex missionary position kind of guy? And how much hooker money do you have on you right now? Yeah. How much of Uncle Ron's hooker money do you spend? How much of his pension? Well, if you kill them afterwards, you don't have to pay them. You know, guys. I used to be an assistant.

You learned that from Jonathan. Used to be what, sorry? I used to be an assistant for a hooker. Oh. So you got her coffee. Hold on. Did you get demoted from pimp? Wait, you were a hooker's assistant.

You went to Starbucks and got her lattes before she sucked dick on her. That's like, you have a pimp and then the hooker has an assistant. Oh, yeah. Did she send you to get slapped around for her? It looks like Ichabod took the majority of the slaps in this one. I'm tapping out. Can you finish sucking this dick for me?

When was the last time you were with a hooker? Oh, God. Ten years. Ten years. Oh, wow. Ten years. Oh, you knew his sex? What?

Do you like feet? Are you a feet guy? What's your thing? What are you into with the ladies? Favorite part of the lady. Sometimes I get wild and introduce them to my

mother. What's your favorite part of the female anatomy? Jagged teeth. What's your favorite part of the... I think his battery just ran out. I'm dying to get an answer to that. Something in my gut's telling me it's gonna be

so good when he finally says it. What's the most beautiful part of a woman to you? Good conversation. Good conversation. So basically the throat. You know what I mean? Oh my God. Good concentration conversation.

What's the coolest thing you ever talked to a hooker about? Can we do a thing where you close your eyes and talk to a fake hooker right now in front of everybody? We have one that's over the loudspeakers willing to talk to you. All right, let me think of a time that... Hey, wait. The hooker's calling. This hooker cannot figure out

how her phone works. It's an old school hooker too. Now she's in school? School? This hooker's in a firehouse. Is this first period of hooker school? I'm keeping you late as hell and put the no cards out of his pocket again. Las of hooker school? I'm keeping you late after class. Las Vegas hooker school.

I think Julian just rode his bike home. Okay, the hooker's on the phone for you, Ichabod. Go ahead, hooker, any time now. Do I have to answer it? I got food in the oven. I am hungry. You're hungry now? I love it.

Ichabod, I'm going to let you go. Before you eat us. It was so nice to have you on this show. Congratulations on your first time on stage. Fucking Ichabod. Wow. I feel like this is one of those shows where a lot of the fans are going to see some of the fans of the show

talking about being fans. They come on and they're like, I'm a fan. And the fans are going to be like, what kind of show did I get myself into? Am I going to turn into that at some point? I'm so happy that they drove in from Vegas and they both got on the show.

It's un-fucking-believable. One more time for Ron K. and Ichabod. Like I said at the beginning of the show, it's all about the crazy shit that can happen with a random bucket. I'm going to show you right now the drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. How about that? He did this with his fucking hands while you guys were all laughing for free in a showroom. Ryan J. Ebel drew that shit.

Right there. There you go. That's the sound of the middle of the crowd. Wow. I don't know how you do that. I don't appreciate that double chin, but... So realistic, Ryan. So realistic Ryan So realistic

Just draw on what he sees Guys we did it Where do we begin Reagan and Watkins Reagan has a new album out Jeremiah Watkins Guys At Jeremiah's stand up

At Patty Reagan And Joel Jimenez Is at mostly sorry On Twitter Yes Joel Jimenez Double J The man the myth

The legend Fuck yeah Yes Yes, yes. Patty Reagan. Hit us up. The Man, The Myth, The Legend, Patty Reagan. Find all of his albums everywhere. Listen to him. Tell your friends. Pat Reagan smells like shit. What's the other one again?

Other Music. What? Other Music online. Just keep Googling Pat Reagan. R-E-G-A-N, over and over again. Eric Griffin, Workaholics, another season. Thank you. You're on Twitter at Eric Griffin. E-R-I-K-G-R-I-F-F-I-N.

Yes, sir. Then there's the great Mike Costa, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much. I'm at creepycomedy.com. You just bought it. Go to my website, michaelcosta.com. That's got everything.

Thank you very much. I love this podcast. Thank you for having me as a guest. This is cool. Visit his website. He's touring everywhere. We're touring everywhere. TonyHinchcliffe.com, DeathSquad.tv, Brian Redband, Bring Us Home,

Josh Martin, comic, runaround producer. Brian. Denver this week, New York City next week. Live audience, thank you. Good night. Yeah! I'm a man, I'm a man I'm a man, I'm a man I'm a man, I'm a man I'm a man, I'm a man I'm a man, I'm a man I'm a man, I'm a man I'm a man, I'm a man I'm a man, I'm a man

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