KILL TONY - KILL TONY #161

Episode Date: June 27, 2016

Big Jay Oakerson, Joe Derosa, Josh Martin, Jeremiah Watkins, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Joel Jimenez, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey, this is Red Band. Coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 3. Give it up for Tony Henscliff. Hi, everybody. Hi, everyone. Oh, my goodness. I am so excited to be back with you. Wait, we're the number one live podcast in the world, guys.

Sometimes even I forget the number one ranked live podcast in the world. And you are here at its home in the belly room. Every other week we're in the main room. But sometimes it's just more fun to play in a shoebox. You know what I mean? Just get all right on top of one another so you can get close to the action. Put your hands together for my co-pilot and all this fun, the one and the only Brian Redband.

What's up, guys? As you can tell, he's on sound effect duty tonight. We have Jamie Vernon, young Jamie, on the great HD camera and the one and the only Ryan J. E. Belt, house artist, drawing tonight's episode. You're not going to believe it. At the end of the episode, we're going to show you an unbelievable piece of art that was drawn right now

while you people are all sitting there watching a show being lazy fucks. Ryan's drawing the entire episode. Fuck yeah. And if you couldn't tell, live audience, because you were here when they were playing, we have a band that I have to bring back out each time when the show starts for some reason.

It's always fun to watch their intros. Always something original and different. Here they are, the Kill Tony Band. It's Reagan and Watkins and Joel Jimenez. Fuck yeah. They always wait until the applause die all the way out. Here they are, Reagan and Watkins and Joel Jimenez. Oh, hey, pals. So this is

like some kind of anti-war stance you guys are taking tonight, right? Yeah, we're getting pretty political on Kill Tony tonight. Now, what are those helmets you guys are wearing? Because they look like coffee filters. Camouflage coffee

filters. These are official World War I sanctioned trench helmets. And then Joel is just wearing a bunch of seaweed. It's a ghillie suit. It's a camouflage suit meant for jungle territory. I love you guys.

Tactical attacks. Hopefully we'll see some of that tonight. Put your hands together for Reagan and Watkins, everybody. Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. This one is what I would call super duper special.

Put your hands together for two of the best in the world. The one, the only, J. Oakerson and Joe DeRosa. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Here they are. Joe DeRosa, you've done this show before. Welcome. I have.

Big J, I have wanted you to do this show for three years, and now New York comic and super duper friend, Big J. Oakerson, is live on Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen. I only did it because Jeremiah playing saxophone

is my favorite thing in the world. I don't know why, just the fact that he knows how to play saxophone makes me smile. Mine too. I do like that. It's bothering me how much better your intro was than mine. Jesus Christ, Tony.

I mean, I know I've been here before, but you could act a little happy. Joe, I'm excited that you're back. Thanks. I've been... Also, Joe's here. Joe, you've done this before, but this other motherfucker

right here, if I could suck his dick, I would. The undisputed master of disaster. The undisputed comedy king. Joe, I'm happy that you're here too. Thank you, buddy. It's always good to see you. Always good to see you.

I'm very excited. You guys worked together on the Crowdwork show. We did. Yes. Yeah, well, that's Jay's show. You should talk about it, Jay, and plug it. What's your fucking deal? It's on CISO.com. All crowd work.

I bring up my favorite comics. Joe DeRosa being one of those. One of my favorite comics in the whole world. There you go. You feel better? I'm trying to make you feel better. It does.

It's handsome. Guy who's had to rock a sweater. Can I have another whiskey on ice? Whiskey on ice. Tony said to just order through the mic if I wanted one. I already want one. That was pretty quick. Yeah, I need one.

I guess if you're going to go grab it, yeah, another one of these things. All right. Can we do that? Yeah, what do you want? Some Kool-Aid or something? Yeah, that'd be great. Jeremiah, you don't ever drink, nope clean as a whistle why don't you drink like yeah great why don't you drink uh i never have never have yeah i don't trust people like you all right i don't i don't

i don't trust anybody that's like i don't need need this stuff. I don't know what to tell you. It's like, really? You look at this world and you go, don't need to fog that up at all. Looks good to me. No, I don't trust you. Something's wrong. You're lying. Joe, he finds happiness in the Alto Saks.

Well, these slats are my drinks. Well, my drug's right here. The only cocktail I need is a nice melody. Joe, I'm so excited you're back. Thank you, buddy. So we have a bucket here filled with a shit ton of comedians, guys. They all signed up for the chance to do 60 Second seconds and then talk to us live on a podcast afterwards. Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up

when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, that's adorable. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. All right, there you go. A little something extra for you podcast fans that are just listening to the show that love that part. So let's get this fucking thing started. You guys ready?

This is Kill Tony, episode 161. That's a lot of episodes. It is a lot of episodes. Anything can happen, as we found out last week, which was a fucking freak show. So let's see how tonight goes. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together.

60 seconds uninterrupted for Michelle Westford. Hey everybody. Oh, is this on? So you guys got engaged. Yes, that was six years ago yesterday. Yes, that was six years ago yesterday. And I personally want to thank Facebook Memories for reminding me about that solid in my life. So I'm single. I should have known things weren't going to work out. He started buying me passive-aggressive presents,

like a six-month subscription to Match.com. And I've got 800 emails in the last 24 hours on Match.com because I put my profession in there. And aside from doing comedy, you guys, I'm a professional auctioneer. Like, hey, get a bid, $100 bid, now two, now two, now two. But I wrote it wrong in there, and the a and the s key are dangerously close so apparently there's like about 800 people in the greater

LA area that want to go out with a suction ear so thank you guys fuck yeah Michelle Westford you seem like an interesting spirit. You're wearing a Monster Energy T-shirt with a biker jacket. You have a motorcycle? I do. I have a Harley 883. Oh, my God. An 883. Wow.

You just made my boner go away. Oh, yeah. It's got a 1200 kit on it. Oh, yeah. It does. It does? Wow. Wow.

Wow. What is that? I had no idea what any of those things. She's twice the man I'll ever be. Wow. Wow, what is that? I had no idea any of those things. She's twice the man I'll ever be. Yeah, exactly. Michelle. Yes. So you said that there's the horse of truth coming in really late on that one.

All right. I mean, just seven seconds after the fact. Michelle, tell us, what's so extreme about you. What else? I mean, you're wearing a Monster Energy shirt. I get the feeling that a motorcycle is like the seventh most exciting thing about you. All right. So, yeah, I ride motorcycles.

Like I said, I'm an auctioneer, which people usually don't guess because they expect someone like looks like, I don't know, like Colonel Sanders or something, you know. So, like people are like, oh, you're an auctioneer. How long have you been doing that? Five years. How does that start? Did you have to take a class for that? I apprenticed under a gal who's been doing auctions for 20 years. It's the lamest use of the word apprentice ever.

I thought you were going to say gal at the end of that. I learned from the best auctioneer. Yes, there's a gal from Charity Auction World and I apprenticed under her for two years and I went to auction school in St. Louis, Missouri. Wow, that's probably the only place that has an auction school. Is there a

reason why everyone sticks with the same voice and kind of like the strip club DJ always sounds like a strip club DJ? It's what's called a chant. It's kind of the same as someone singing to you. It's a's called a chant. And so it's kind of the same as someone singing to you. It's a serenade. And so there's like a skill to it.

All right. How cool is it, though? How cool is it that chicks have finally broken into the auctioneer world? I love it. I mean, that's progressive. Can you say it less misogynistic, please? She's like the Hillary Clems. Yeah.

Oh, you dingy broads are doing auctioning now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's pretty cool. I sell you. That's pretty cool, mama. I sell it to you. I'm surprised you gals can remember all the info with those tiny brains. No, don't say that, Joe.

When do you find time to not vote? Says Al. Yeah, that's amazing. It's great find time to not vote? Zazow! That's amazing. It's great that you've broken ground in that world. You're like the Hillary Clinton of auctioneering, except with a lot less deleted emails. Except your pantsuit is a tiny jacket and Monster Energy shirt. Here's my question.

This is a real question. Are you truly engaged for six months? I was engaged, but I've been single for about. This is a real question. Are you truly engaged for six months? I was engaged. For six years? I was engaged, but I've been single for about a year and a half now. Okay. This is comedy advice. As soon as you said I got engaged, I started looking for the ring. I know.

That's why I kind of hide my hand a little bit so people don't. Keep it in the pocket. Yeah. But you should also say, once you take the hand out, be like, it's over. Like, it's fucking done. It is over. Yeah, yeah. You should go a little farther into that.

It's totally over. You did pitch it, though. I thought you were still engaged. It was just taking a long time. And that's a boner kill for the room. What was this guy's story? Was he like

some kind of like super tough guy, beard, tattoos, right? Yeah. Bodybuilder? Firefighter. Firefighter. Fuck, yeah.

You gotta know. See, there's only certain types of guys that could even please a woman wearing a Monster Energy shirt. You understand? She did present that like they were in the same sort, like you were close. Right, yeah, totally. Like bodybuilder? She's like firefighter. Yeah.

All he does, all those guys do is lift weights all day. That's why it didn't work out because you guys are too similar. Opposites attract, as Paul Abdul once said. You got to start fucking a cat, a cartoon cat. Yeah. And then it'll work out. Get a little sidecar for you. Who also raps.

He's got a rap too. Get a little sidecar for your kitty. I was thinking about it. You should fuck Joe DeRosa. He's very opposite of you. What am I, a piece of meat? You should fuck Joe. You should fuck Joe DeRosa. He's very opposite of you. What am I, a piece of meat? You should fuck Joe. You should fuck Joe.

You should fuck Joe. You should fuck Joe. Let me tell Joe. Is that possible for you to go from a firefighter to a postman? Anything's possible. Oh, shit. He's loading up over here. Because your face has been annoying me since I sat down here.

You look like Liberace right at the end. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh, you got the AIDSiest face I've ever seen in my life. Oh, you son of a bitch. Go fucking blow me. Actually, don't, because you look AIDSy. You can't get AIDS from getting a blowjob, Joe.

I heard that Joe just switched back to Sprint. Did you guys know that? Thanks, Jeremiah, for coming to my defense there. Don't you mess with Tony. Did you just go back with Sprint? I think he's making a joke that looks like the Verizon guy. Do we have to spell out the genius? Did you just go back with Sprint? I think he's making a joke. It looks like the Verizon guy. Oh. Do we have to spell out the genius?

Sorry, I was going to ask Joe if he needed some help. You need some help, dude? Sprint? I'm AT&T all the way. AT&T, but he still does eat Subway constantly. Tony, you could get a blowjob from him. Or you could get AIDS from a blowjob. Oh, okay. Yeah, you can. Yeah, you could get a blowjob or you could get AIDS from a blowjob oh, okay yeah, you can

if you get a bloody dick and a bloody mouth, what's gonna happen? oh, okay, who's the girl who's going around being like, oh, a bloody dick? love to suck that thing it just so happens I have a bloody mouth oh my god, what is happening right now? oh no, don't do this, Michelle you are not young enough You are not young enough.

You are not young enough to be Snapchatting this moment. Why are the sound effects so horribly loud? Lower them a little bit. Why do the sound effects hurt? Well, I think you're lovely. I hope you meet another guy that you get engaged to. I really do. Thank you.

I'm just trying to wrap it up because clearly Tony doesn't know how to host his own podcast wait what makes you say that you should fuck haven't we spent too much time don't we need to move on to the next no we don't go through the whole bucket that's not how it works Joe

I mean I'm about to get rid of her I'm not trying to get rid of her I'm just saying I'm just going to let Big J get one more thing in Joe you question Tony how we're... I'm sorry. Hey, Joe, you questioned Tony again. We're stepping out to the parking lot, bro.

Oh, shit. Oh, you don't want to fight a sax player, dude. He's got six fiddle energies. You don't want to fuck with guys wearing camouflage yarmulkes. With chin straps? I dare you, Joe. Today's the day? Today's the day you're going to test that out?

Today's the day, dude. I'm feeling it today. So let me ask you one last thing, Michelle. Now that you're looking for a new love, are you on any of these dating sites or anything like that? I tried one out, but I just would rather meet people organically. Well, where do you go to meet people organically

when you're not doing stand-up? I don't know. You just live your life and go out and do stuff that you enjoy doing. Do you go to biker bars? No. No. I did. No.

No. What were you going to say? Something weird happened. I did meet a guy while I was on a motorcycle ride that asked me out, but I didn't want to go out with him. Wow. Why not? He was just yelling over the motorcycles.

Hey, you want to go out sometime? Well, no. We stopped at this place, and they were all there. It was like a restaurant and stuff. It was a bike. Okay, it was a biker bar. Jesus. But I didn't go there for that.

Did you tell them you have a 1200 pack on your bike? No. 1200 kit. 1200 kit? Okay. It just means it's a really fast bike. I figured that's what it meant. Nobody's talking about their slow bike.

Nobody's like, that's got a 400 torque. I'll fuck you if you get me a sidecar. If you get me a sidecar, I'll fuck you. Now I got to negotiate? I just want to cruise around in a sidecar. All right. Can we start a fund for that? Can I raise some money for that?

Yeah, no. What is this guy drawing over here? Joe, welcome back to the show, Joe. I think now everybody's realizing why you got that shitty intro when I first brought you up. What's he drawing? He draws every episode.

He draws every episode? Hey, Joe, let's break down all the barriers of this show. What's the deal with the bucket? Jeremiah, keep it up. I'm going to cut your throat with this fucking sword. You'll never play that little fucking flute of yours again. Michelle, I'm going to keep you out of harm's way. Michelle Westford, everybody.

There she goes. She's on Twitter at Michelle's Comedy. Getting Tonight Kickstarted. Great job. There you go. Fuck yeah at Michelle's Comedy. Getting Tonight Kickstarted. Great job. There you go. Fuck yeah. Michelle Westford. This is fun, man.

This really makes me feel like a sultan. Like, dance for me. It's crazy, right? Michelle, it's over. Michelle coming back for a glass of red wine. Get the fuck out of here, you attention hog. You fucking asshole. Piece of shit.

You give her 60 seconds. She's drinking red wine, too. I don't trust her on a motorcycle after drinking. I like it. It's crazy stuff. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Handwriting, not that great. That's always a. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Handwriting, not that great. That's always a pretty interesting sign.

Look at that. Put your hands together for Phil Kemp. What's up? Oh, fuck that. Hey, what's up? Oh, fuck that. Hey, what's up? So a lot of women don't want to fuck me. Probably because I do a really good impersonation of Schmeagle from Lord of the Rings in the bedroom while having sex. I'll be in there like this.

This, my precious, becomes this. It gives me the blues, so I'll do this bit for y'all called the Schmeagle Blues. Oh, yes, I want the precious. Oh, how I want it back. Oh, yes, I want the precious like it's a fat rock crack. And if I don't get that precious, I'm going to break them hobbits' necks. Oh, that rock and poop is nice and cool. And juicy sweet.

My only risk to catch is a fish. So we can eat all my precious. It's so good to me. And if I don't get my precious, I'll smoke some pussy, bud! Fuck yeah. Phil Kemp, everybody. Phil Kemp.

Woo! Fuck yeah. I think we know who Michelle Westford's fucking tonight. Thank you. Wow, that Smeagol voice you did was awesome. Where did you learn how to do it? Oh, Smeagol battle.

Smeagol battle. Smeagol battle. Smeagol battle. Everybody's doing the one voice that they know. We're on 8 Mile Road in the fucking Shire, y'all. And then Bill Cosby came and talked to Joe. Hey, Joe. And then Jack Nicholson showed up, right, folks?

Hold on. Let me turn around and turn back as Jack Nicholson. You can't handle the Schmeagle. Let me turn around and turn back as Jack Nicholson. You can't handle the shmigo. Shmeg. Overalls, I'd say that's a pretty good performance, Phil. Sucker for a pun.

I love it. What's your story? How long have you been in Los Angeles? 24 hours. He went from the Orlando club shooting. Jesus Christ. Whoa. Whoa. Hell yeah.

We get over things real quick here. All right. What's that buzz? I don't know. Oh, that's what happened. Phil single-handedly wrecked the audio of the show Alright, well I've been in Los Angeles For about a month now

And so, you know Where are you from? The Mississippi River Where you sailed down with Huckleberry Finn Pat, I love that Pat Pat normally is pretty reserved But if somebody pulls out a harmonica In this show

I got a holder too Pat normally is pretty reserved, but if somebody pulls out a harmonica in this show... I got a holder, too, so... Don't you compare yourself to Pat Reagan! Shut up! Don't you tell me to shut up! Joe DeRosa and I will murder you! Phil, stick with me over here. Phil, everything's okay. You're on a big, crazy live show right now. All right.

I know we don't have podcasts from wherever you're from, but just stick. Where is it that you're from? I am from Bakersfield, California. Ah, yes. Yes. That's why. Now it all makes sense.

You just got Lord of the Rings up there doing some post-topical DVD Lord of the Rings jokes. No one's cranking out shit this fast. What's a DVD, dude? Do you know what Bakersfield is? Have you been made aware as a New York guy through and through what Bakersfield is? Yeah, I went on tour opening for Korn. That's their big thing.

Outdated band drop. Phil looks like he opens for corn yes recently Phil Kemp opens for corn the vegetable maize now folks I'll never forget when I was on the road with Winger

those were good times nobody got it it's too old of a reference would have been a wave of laughter. Phil, you're an interesting guy. What do you do for work? I actually play my guitar and banjo and stream online on this site called sonicbox.com. And you live in the house next to Tom Hanks and the Burbs?

No, no, dude. Dude, I'm lucky to find a couch. Thank you, six people. That's all the Burbs. So do people, like, pay you to play? Is that, like, so you're like a webcam slice? Well, actually, they're paying me, like, $15 an hour to play, you know, like. Wow.

Yeah, I know, right? Well, why did you bring this, but you didn't play it? Oh, because you guys give me one minute. Don't you snap it, Joe La Rosa! Shut the fuck up! Phil, Phil, Phil, over here, over here, over here. Whoa. Whoa, are you serious? Are you seriously mad, Phil?

No. Are you playing a character? Dude, I'm under a lot of stress right now. What's the stress? Let's talk about it. Can I say something? I don't mean to come in here. I don't want to come in here and slap my East Coast dick down on the table, but I don't think you guys out here have a good read on shit. I don't think your dick would even

slap on the table. Buddy, I'm with you. I'm on your team. See? That's what you do. I could tell by the handwriting here that Phil wrote his name with a pencil in a fist. That's the best my handwriting gets. He came

here with a fucking banjo and abandoned the bit. Got to carry it all night. I see the signs that let's just tell this guy great job and let him get the fuck on with money. You killed it. You killed it. Couldn't have went better. Tony, moving on. Couldn't have went better.

Tony, moving on. Me and you were good, Phil. We're good peeps. Yeah, okay, cool. Jay said it best. There's nothing left to say after that. Phil, how often do you do stand-up? Like almost every night.

Wow. I love that. So you make money online during the day. And then I go do stand-up at night. I basically perform for eight hours in the day and then I'll go do a five whatever bullshit at night. And then on Saturday I'm having my

live album release party in Ventura, California. Can we hear something? The Del Taco? I would love to hear a quick little ditty. A little ditty? Yeah, a little ditty. I think it's an AK-47 in this bag. You fuckers better clap at this.

Just trust me. If you trust nothing else, I'm only here for two more days. Clap. Phil, rock it out, bro. This is my mom's favorite song. It's called I Want to Move Down South and Put My Dick in Your Mouth. I didn't know she was my sister till the day that I kissed her

Now she's gone and run away Now there's a tear in my beer and I wish she was still here So I could stand right up and say I wanna move down south and put my dick in your mouth That's just what I'm gonna do Cause here in Alabama They won't put you in the slammer For covering your sister in goo

I wanna move down south And put my dick in your mouth And I will do it every day Cause here in Alabama They won't put you in the slammer Cause fucking your sister's okay It seems that every girl I dated Has been somehow related They won't put you in the slammer, cause fucking your sister's okay. It seems that every girl I dated has been somehow related, and all of my uncles hate me.

I do some smooching and some screwing at the family reunion, cause that's how love should be. I wouldn't call it incest if it's a double-de-breast because it feels lucky to score. But out here it's regulated so our kids won't be mutated and I just can't take it no more. I want to move down south and put my dick in your mouth. That's just what I'm going to do. Everybody! Here in Alabama, they won't put you in the slammer for covering your sister in goo.

I wanna move down south and put my dick in your mouth and I would do it every day. Cause here in Alabama, they won't put you in the slammer cause fucking your sister's okay. I wanna move down south and put my dick in your mouth. That's just what I'm going to do. Cause here in Alabama, they won't put you in the slammer. For covering your sister in gear.

Woo! Woo! That's how the magic happens, ladies and gentlemen Phil Kemp, everybody, there he goes Phil Kemp Phil Go home and kill yourself Because that is the peak of your life Yeah, definitely

That moment was it That was it We all survived He's on Twitter at Filthy Phil Kemp, everybody. One more time for Phil, everybody. Come on. Joe Clap. That was pretty cool.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry. That was a cool moment. Had to be the most exciting thing. We're all going to be going down south, put my dick in your mouth. Yeah. I mean, it's going to happen for the next three days. Now, that song was a little heady for my taste.

I don't like a song with a message. I just want to dance. I don't want to think when I'm listening to my comedy songs, damn it. I just want jokes. What was that song about? Oh wait, me and Joe both need new drinks again. Wow, you guys are killing it. I'll have one as well. Let's just do it.

Let's just wreck this bar tab. Hey, Josh, can I get a drink too? Oh, shit. Here we go. Jeremiah! Jeremiah, let's do it, you piece of shit. Can I have a bottle of water, please? Jeremiah, and Jeremiah plays the saxophone

like he's drunk. He just plays one note over and over. It really is. I've been friends with Jeremiah for like seven or eight years, and I forget that he doesn't drink. It's weird. Why don't you drink? Joe, you're back in the red zone. It's back on.

Oh, yeah. Don't you dare turn on Jeremiah. Oh, that silky fucking sax he plays, dude. It makes me so happy. Give me a little Baker Street. He can just do it. Do it. Dude.

It's amazing. You could just... There you go. Those are the two songs Jeremiah knows. It's fucking bonkers. You could just yell out one of the two saxophone songs I know, and he plays both. Yeah. We're friends for life.

I pulled another name out of the bucket and the name is Isaac Allen. Here he comes. Oh shit. All right. So I'm getting rid of friends.

A lot of them especially superstitious friends. I can't do it. I can't talk to them anymore. I was talking to two of them when I was walking the other day, and I got a little shiver down my spine. It wasn't cold, just a little, ooh, like one of those. My buddy stops me and goes, bro, someone just stepped on your future grave.

Fucking no. My other buddy was like, no, a ghost just passed through you. I was like, you guys are both stupid. So I just came up with one back at them. I was like, well, when someone thinks about you while they're masturbating, that's when you get that little shiver. I said it, so it's true. And I want to know that there's a

porn star somewhere who just can't stop. Like, she's like, will you 13-year-olds just shut the fucking laptops already? This is ridiculous. Are you alright? Yeah, someone's just watching Thundercocks 9 again. This happens all the time. I don't even think Michael J. Fox has Parkinson's. I think there's just a bunch of women beating off to Back to the Future.

It's like, ooh, McFly! Oh, call me Biff Baby, light my clock tower, I thwart a god. What are you looking at, butthead? And if you didn't laugh at that, that means you'd rather have Parkinson's and that's fucked up. What's wrong with you guys?

I don't understand that. All right, that's it. Fuck yeah. Isaac Allen. You work here at the Comedy Store. How long have you worked here? About a month and a half or so. Two months.

Where are you from? I don't really know you. Yeah, I'm from Indianapolis, Indiana. Yeah! You know what he means. Where are you from? Yeah. Well, let me put it this way.

I am from Indianapolis. I want to know where them eyes come from, boy. You know what the fuck we're saying. I am Feng Chao's half a brother. Where are you from? Tijuana or something like that? That's three songs, Jodorowsky. Three songs.

He's so good. And my boy Jeremiah. Jeremiah. Jeremiah. Jeremiah. What is your nationality? Because you're either Asian or you're like Mexican or Avatar or something like that. All of the above. Native maybe.

You look like a chilly Avatar. Eskimo. Half Chinese, half white stuff. Bunch of white shit. Mom Chinese. Is your mom Chinese? Yeah. Of course.

Yeah, it's always that. Yeah. It is always that. White side is German, Polish, I think Irish. A bunch of other shit. This guy's half German, half something else. He's not welcome at his own dinner table, folks. Oh, wow.

There you go, Joel. Zazow. Can't keep up with the DeRosa. Can't keep up. Hey. What did you say, German? Oh, no. We have a German in our midst.

What do you do here at the Comedy Store? Door guy slash comedian. Oh! All right. You don't do that when Feng Chow's up here. I'm only half. What the fuck? Just relax.

Half is enough to be 100% wrong. Yeah. Part of the half that you are is your eyes. That's an important half. If you have a nice white sheet and there's a shit stain on the sheet, the sheet's ruined. That's the point. He makes a strong point.

He's right, you know. That might be one of the most racist things I've ever heard. It went from Asian eyes to shit on a blanket. He makes a strong point. He's right, you know. That might be one of the most racist things I've ever heard. I'm not white. I'm allowed to say I'm not white. It went from Asian eyes to shit on a blanket. I don't understand that. I'm not white. I'm allowed to say it. You know your crazy Asian eyes like blanket shit?

Joe. You know what I'm saying. You know what Joe's saying, right? Oh, I understand completely. I talk to my mom about it every day. What, laundry? Of course. Hey, Joe. Hey, Joe.

Hey, Joe. We are forming a team of racist Avengers, and we would like you to join. I'm Middle Eastern Arab. Am I still allowed to be on the team? Yeah. Just keep talking so much talk. Joe DeRosa's alter ego is Captain Get Out of America.

Nice. Written on the fly. Pazazow. This kid is fast. Isaac. Yeah. Now, you've worked here for a month and a half. Pazazow.

How do you make your money? How do you survive? I work during the day with adults with mental and physical disabilities. Do you call it the dojo? Yeah. Just a bunch of retarded people. Teach them karate. Hey, Tards, come to the dojo.

I'll get you walking again. Walking and chopping. That's our motto. What do you do? Do you just rub your hands together like Miyagi and then the screen goes blank and then we just assume he did some magic on them? That's it. Also, are you in the secret service?

What is this? Get up with the earpiece and everything. He's literally on the clock right now, right? Yeah, which makes this all the better. Why do they need the earpiece? Eddie Griffin is in the building. Eddie Griffin has arrived. That's literally the whole bunch of shit.

Quick, 10-4. Somebody get a pair of Air Force Ones for him before he goes on stage. Facts! These are facts! Behind the music, comedy. How long have you been working with special people? On and off for like the last two and a half years. Is it weird for you to see them as the band here tonight?

Yeah, I recognize them. I was actually with them during the day today. It was great. Isaac. Isaac. Why is his lip twitching? Isaac, are you single? No.

No? How long have you been with your situation? I live with my girlfriend. She moved up here with me from San Diego. We've been together about nine months, yeah. That's nice. Yeah. You were very funny.

I'm serious. You did a really good job. Do you think you're going to do well? I'm a fan of yours too, man. Thanks, man. I even listened to Uninformed podcast back in the fucking day. Holy shit. Wow.

That's an old one. You did? But I really want to say that. We're breaking balls, but you did a good job. Seriously. Thank you. Thank you. Can we watch each other's balls a little more, please?

No, I'm not watching your balls. I'm saying you did a good job. You're funny. Isaac, I think you're great, too. You're really great. I got to do it now. I got to do it. Okay, Isaac, you did it.

Go back to work. Make sure nobody shoots the place up. Isaac Allen. He's on Twitter at Isaac Allen, spelled I-S-A-K. Isaac, not your fault. You had to follow the fucking Grim Reaper of the Comedy Store. I love it in here right now. I'm having a great time.

I really am. I truly am. I'm having a really fun time. Could be the four whiskeys. I don't know. Might be. Might be the comedian that I just pulled out of the bucket.

This looks like a new name. Kat Agasson? She is my cherry pie. Good little boss and sweet surprise. Tastes so good, it's a good little cry. Sweet cherry pie. I know Kat already one more time for Kat I guess and everybody hi

I'm Kat I've been in LA for 7 years it's kind of fun. Hasn't really gone as planned. Okay, so I'm not successful. Even if I don't have a lot of money, even if I'm single, the important thing is I'm not happy. Okay, so my name is Kat. What do you need to know about me? I have two cats. I live alone. I read tarot. I don't read my cat's tarot. That would be weird. My cats are both Pisces, you know? So Pisces are too sensitive for tarot. I have not seen Coke with my own eyes since 2009.

Does that make me a loser? I'm the kind of girl, I don't do Coke, but I just offer to hold your baby so you can go to the bathroom and see a Coke. Kat, I guess. One minute. Nice. All right. Alright.

Whoa. Jeremiah is going to have to... Jesus Christ. I love it. What was that? He's got an audience here, but I'll listen to him for an hour just wail. Why are you hard on me? I wasn't the one that said he only knew two songs.

Jay said that. His was in the form of a compliment. It's all about the wording, Joe. Alright, I'm sorry. You were on a few weeks ago. What do you do for work again? Special needs nanny. Fucking Special Olympics. Isn't it weird how comedians always work with special needs

people? I think it tells something about comedians. They know how to connect with tards. I have never heard it put so eloquently. Someone said I was a 20th century Mark Twain. I think I saw that on a quilt somewhere. On a quilt? On a quilt? Now, Kat, last time you were on, we talked about what that we talked about your lisp.

I told you that this was the best performance since I saw you in Pulp Fiction. And now you're back. What else about you, Kat? How long have you been doing stand up? Three years. Three years. Yeah. Where at?

How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. Three years. Where at? Three mics. The mics I hit are the Hollywood Hotel and the Palace on Hillhurst and El Cid. I have my own show at El Cid. You know, when I first started, I did a ton of Martin... What's his name?

Martin? You're really just name-dropping everything. Martin Scorsese. Martin Scorsese. No, no. You are saying, like, what's his face, director? The guy that books all the bringers here. Like when I first started and like I had, like I took a stand up class.

Yeah, it's Martin Scorsese. Pat was right. Yeah. So like. And Jeremiah. I didn't know you played the saxophone. Hey, are you single? Oh, shit.

No, I'm not. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, wow. I was thinking. Oh, shit. Dis, bro. You're not single? I I was thinking. Oh, shit. Diss, bro. You're not single?

I was going to say such nice shit about you. How long have you been in a relationship? Since last August. Where'd you meet him at? At a party. Useless. Yeah. Do you know, he actually, he physically looks a lot like you.

I have a type. Sick. Wait. He looks like. I think she's hot. Yeah Bears yeah, yeah like a gay guy with a beard Thanks for the late-day compliment I need that before going Body types always like the blue dough right? Yeah blue. Bluto, dude. She just called you fat, son. Twice.

Two different artistic ways. Bluto-esque. Don't say that. Don't say fat. Say formidable. Right? Say solid. That's what I'm talking about. Say it with a...

This girl's a freak. I can tell. Oh, yeah. It's okay. It'll be okay. Have you ever been with a smaller guy before? We need to cut Jeremiah off.

I think he's had too much water. He's fucking high on Baker Street. That's not Baker Street. That's Kale's Whisper. Have you ever been with a smaller guy, Kat? Yes. What's that been like? What don't you like about that?

What did she do? guy cat? Yes. What's that been like? What don't you like about that? What does she do? I just feel kind of just not, I don't feel feminine with a smaller guy. I feel like kind of just large and yeah, no fun. Did you play

sports in high school? Yeah, volleyball. Wow. You play any sports now? How do you stay in shape? Bar method and hiking what is it uh it's like a it's like kind of like ballet it's like a lawyer thing you wouldn't know anything about oh shut up yeah come on cat uh do you ever talk about the stuff that you see as a special needs nanny on stage? No, just because...

What exactly does that mean, a special needs nanny? That means you go to the house of rich people that have fucked up kids. Yeah. Yeah, and can't... I think I saw that on a program. And their jobs are too high stress and they can't do it themselves. Any celebrities? You don't have to name them.

Yeah, one big, yeah. And what do you do? You just got to make sure those goofballs don't break all the expensive shit in the house? Yeah. Or like... Yeah, or like eat poison or get a big gun. She goes, or they don't eat poison. She just said.

But I can't talk about it because they're famous. You don't need to give us any names. But can you give us some close calls? Some shit where you're like, whoa. Jimmy William Aguilera. Stop eating paint chips. Put the knife down. There was a little guy

who was five years old and his habit was putting his face in women's... That's not retarded. Yeah, that's my habit too. You know what I'm saying? You call that retarded? That kid's progressive.

That kid just crushing it. Guy's just trying to headbutt that pussy. Poonana. Is that the only thing special about this kid? He pulls his head out of your vagina and he's just like a straight

A student other than that? He started headbutting pussies and he's just like a straight-A student other than that? He started headbutting pussies and they're like, oh, our kid's sick. He had Down syndrome, but the thing is they're really not that much different

from five-year-olds that don't have... Oh, he's got Down syndrome. Yeah. Sounds like he's Downs the fuck. You know what I'm saying? What up, son?

That's a two high fiver. We like to call it up syndrome. Oh, I bet you do. With that horny five-year-old, he definitely has some up syndrome. And they all look alike, so if you fuck all of them, it's like you're only banging one dude. Jesus. They've had it too good for too long, if you ask me. Right now, there's some Down Syndrome podcast fan listening to this like,

what does he mean we all look alike? Why does he say that we all look alike? And I nailed the impression. Oh. Holy shit. Oh, my God. You just did a Down Syndrome impression. Oh! Holy shit. Oh my god, you just did a Down Syndrome impression. Oh my god.

What the fuck are you talking about? I think you're very pretty. Alright, so you're with a five-year-old. They had to warn you before. They're like, so my son, he's fine. No, that developed when I came along. Wow, really? Yeah, for sure.

It was a phase that he got into, and then every woman. It's a phase I'm about to get into. Like adults. Hey, we're about to head to dinner. Listen, about the hour 10 mark, my son might start headbutting you in the cunt. But besides that, smooth sailing. All right, listen, he likes to go outside to play a lot. You should feed him at 3 o'clock.

He loves ham and cheese. Oh, yeah, shit, I almost forgot. He'll stick his head in your pussy. We got to go. We got a ball to go to. I like the Down syndrome. Kids get the same fucking instructions as gremlins. Don't feed this little fucking weirdo up there midnight or he is going to be fucking ape

shit. Kat, let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. So like, was there ever a time when you were hanging out with this kid and you know, like the parents were gone and you're hanging out? No, don't be gross. That's so no. A hundred percent.

No. But the thing is, is that when it happens, when it happens, it's usually because joke on, but it's because he's tired or hungry or, you know what I mean? Right, so then in that case, you just put a little peanut butter on your pussy and

two birds with one stone. Well, you have, the thing is, you have to, you have to tell them you have to be very firm, is you have to tell them. You have to be very firm. But you can't shame them. Right. Which is really hard. You can't say, because that's inappropriate because of a vagina.

So how would you say it? You small dick five-year-old. That's a pretty solid dick for a kid. Few people know this. You don't have to say anything because all retarded kids have the shining. So they just tell you in your head. How did that not get a laugh? How did that not get a laugh? How did that not get a laugh?

Are you really asking? It was probably because of the delivery and the – How did that not get a laugh? You want some ice cream, Doc? How did that not get a laugh? I want to know how you would tell a five-year-old if this happened. So, Jeremiah, if you don't mind playing the five-year-old that puts your head in her pussy,

without shaming him, how would you say it? Or shining him. Can you just keep yelling over and over, Jeremiah? Box butt. Box butt. Box butt. Hey, look, it's a five-year-old. Oh, no, no, no, honey. That's my private area. That's my private area.

That's terrific, honey. That's just my private area. Okay. So you can touch your private area. That's my private area. That's terrific, honey. That's just my private area. Okay. So you can touch your private area in private, but don't touch my private area. Oh, I see. It's mostly about private area. Jeremiah. If I was Jeremiah's dad, I would be like, look, just let him headbutt your pussy.

He'll get it, and it'll stop. You have to let him do it. But it would happen to strangers. It would happen to strangers at museums, like at Disneyland, at the stores. You it and it'll stop. You have to let him do it. But it would happen to strangers. It would happen to strangers at museums, like at Disneyland at the stores. You would do it to strangers. Or at the Overlook Hotel. There you go. People are

catching on to my shining bits. Scatman Carruthers was hanging out. Hey, Doc. Kat, what's one of the weirdest things about you? If you had to confess something weird about you, what would it be? I love that question. Oh my God, what's one of the weirdest things about you? If you had to confess something weird about you, what would it be? I love that question. Oh, my God, what's so weird about me?

Jesus, you're acting like a five-year-old just stuck his head in your pussy. Is that your fetish, you piece of shit? Are you using these little fucking tards for your own sexual enjoyment, you son of a bitch? Yeah. These kids have dreams of math Olympics. How did you? Oh, I fear death all the time. Oh, that's such a boring answer.

But like, what's, what's, did you say weirdest? Like, I don't know, I think everything. Yeah, we've had people on that like, are like, yeah, I'm really into yo-yoing. And I'm like, do you have one in your pocket? And they're like, fuck yeah, I do. It got like crazy one time. Was that you?

What's cat's yo-yo? Yeah. Put your hands together. From the yo-yo guy from that one episode. Seven weeks ago. Tony, don't refer to the mentally disabled as yo-yo. That's really rude. Bunch of yo-yos, headbutton box.

What's your favorite porn category? Just be honest. Girls together. Wow, girls together. Why did you make that finger thing? Are you lying? We're there together and you can tell that they actually really like each other

and they've met before and there's trust and there's trust and there's trust and respect. You did this like crippled girls together. You mean like a... You care about the mental solidarity of the relationship? Yeah, I do. And sometimes when I'm

looking for that, I'll see little clips come up of things that are not like that and then I'll just feel really bad. So you like women that get together and just bond a lot. You can tell they really like you. I never met anybody that fingered themselves to Golden Girls before. Hey, thank you for

being a fucking friend. You fucking cunt. Tony, I'm ashamed to admit that I know five girls who have jerked off to Golden Girls before. Thank you for being me. Well, with that said, I'm ashamed to admit that I know five girls who have jerked off to Golden Girls before. Well, with that said, Kat, it was nice to have you on again. Fun times.

There she goes. Oh! Wow. Fucking Richard Dawson over here all of a sudden. Yeah. Hey, Cupcake, I'll see you in the green room, eh? No, Kat's an old friend of mine. Right, no, I know, we know.

You're clearly half-down syndrome. We know, Joe. She was my nanny. She was my fucking nanny. Ow! My nanny with the fanny. I headbutt that cunt right in the trot. Ow!

Oh! I pulled another name out of the bucket, and it says Michael Regilio. Hey, guys. Start off with a little good news. Murder rate in Los Angeles going down. It's $300 now, so not bad. It's going to sound a little strange, but as of late, I have gotten really into leaf blowers,

by which I mean Canadian prostitutes. They are... I'm having fun. I'm having fun. You guys, I'm loving comedy. In fact, the other night I had my best show, my best show to date. I haven't heard, you killed it and you crushed it so many times since that dog sitting misunderstanding. You guys, I like to say I'm married to the sea. I'm referring to my wife. I don't want to say the whole word because, you know, some people find it offensive.

Is that a minute? I think that's it. No? Okay. This girl came to me recently and said, I want to have your baby. I said, I don't know. I just found that thing. Give me a month.

Maybe I'll give it to you. That's a minute. All right. Fuck yeah. Michael Regilio. Very funny. Good work, Michael. Michael?

Yes, Michael. Pleasure to meet you. Hi, I'm Joe. Good to meet you, buddy. Very funny Joe. Good to meet you, buddy. Very funny jokes. Oh, thank you very much. Very tight. Oh.

Michael, very funny, and you look like a hot chick in a laundromat. Hey! My thing! I have no idea what that means. Yeah. Yes, he does.

What a fucking fantastic description. It really is. It's unbelievable. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That's sort of what they look like. It is just like hair half done because they know when they get the laundromat, they just get to, you know, sort of look like that.

All right. All right. I'll take it. You always rock this look. This is sort of. I was wearing this exact outfit last time I came on. Right. Yeah.

Screw it. What's your last name? Regilio. So you're an Italian? Yeah. Really? Oh, yeah. What, 100%?

No, Irish, German, Jewish, Italian. Did someone say German? Das ist richtig, meine Freundinnen, ja. How much Italian are you? 50%. 50, okay. You don't look Italian at all. Yeah, well.

Mostly German. Michael, I remember you've been on this show before. Yes. You don't look Italian at all. Mostly German. Michael, I remember you've been on this show before. You did really good then. You did really good tonight. You did really well, Tony, for Christ's sake. Sure, thanks. Thanks, Joe. Professor DeRosa.

Thank you. Kat, can you come take care of Tony? Because he's mentally deficient. No. Oh, wait a second. Joni's another whiskey. And while you're there, if I can grab one of these vodka things. Yeah, I'll take a tequila.

You know what? I don't need another whiskey, let's be honest. Something like a whiskey and club soda would be better. Perfect. Whiskey, club soda. I can't do another whiskey on the rocks because this is getting real heavy right now. You're fine, dude. Go ahead, Tony.

It's your show. Thanks, Joe. We know it's my show. Thank you, Joe, for mentioning that again. Come on. Put that track jacket to use. Let's get into the race here. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Are you afraid you were going to get chased later on tonight? What? Pride week. What are you dressed for right now? I know this is all different for you, Joe. I know you're used to doing podcasts inside of telephone booths before turning into Superman. No, it's nice having these 26 people here.

No, I love it. No, it's more than 26. But I know you're used to performing 20 minutes behind a dumpster in Stanford University. So, Zazal. You got told by Tony. Zazow. What are you going to do? The shining joke again right now?

Oh! Oh! That shining joke was funny. That shining joke was funny. And I don't like how you're wearing a collared shirt with a track jacket like you're the boss that lets loose on the weekend. What are you talking about? Hey, gang, let's have some fun.

I'm cool. We're all going to Six Flags. Happy hour's on me. All right, kids. All right, go ahead. Talk to the comedian. Have you hung out with a lot of guys buying kids happy hour drinks? That was an interesting reference.

Thank God that your bum covered my bum. And then my bum covered your bum. Michael, what do you do for work? How do you make your money? I manage a cafe in Los Feliz. Wow. Yeah. God, that is as hip as it gets.

Yeah. Check it out. I mean, that's just really the center of it. Yeah. And you're welcome to come in anytime, Tony. I'll hook you up. Thank you. Yeah.

Thank you very much. Notice how he didn't say that to Joe DeRosa. I know, right? Joe's a little drunk. I am a little drunk. Is that obvious? Well, you need another whiskey soda, and then I need another one of those Vodka things. I'll take a tequila

on the rocks. I'm on the stage. Jay's a little drunk too. Do you have a drinking problem, Michael? No. Oh, well, I don't drink enough so a little goes a long way.

How long have you been managing that cafe? I don't want to talk about it. Really? I have a question. When you do stand-up, what's the rest of Sonic Youth doing?

Yeah! Fuck yeah. I'll a question. When you do stand-up, what's the rest of Sonic Youth doing? Yeah! I'll take it. I'll fucking take it. Alright, I'm liking Joe DeRosa again. I don't know what's going on. It goes back and forth. It goes back and forth. Michael, what's the most hip thing you've seen while

managing a cafe in the middle of Los Feliz? What's as crazy hip thing you've seen while managing a cafe in the middle of Los Feliz? Like, you know, what's this crazy? Well, geez. I had Courtney Love in a week ago. And plastic surgery nightmare, I hate to say it. Didn't recognize her. Had to be told it was her.

Totally. I thought she was a burn victim. I'm being totally honest. Wow. Really? Just don't do it. Obviously, she be told it was her. Totally. I thought she was a burn victim. I'm being totally honest. Wow. Really? Just don't do it. Obviously, she's got all the money in the world, and if plastic surgery doesn't work for her,

it don't work for nobody. Don't do it. It worked for her at one point. I did see... Have you guys seen Mickey Rourke recently? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I just saw him in a new movie,

and it's distracting. Yeah. I don't know what he looks like in the movie, but in real life. He was so handsome, though. In real life, it's frightening. This is my impression of every time I watch a Mickey Rourke movie. Wait, is this mask? Oh, wait, no.

It's scary. Ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh. She ain't coming back, by the way. Who, Courtney Love? Not after this, no. Well, she's not listening to this podcast. Not after her cafe appearance?

I think she'll be all right. With a guy with looks like you, I'm surprised she didn't try to get you to shoot yourself in the head. Oh, yeah.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! It's right there. Come on, Hitchcock. It's right there all along. Every once in a while, Pat Reagan comes in, gets the pancakes. I make him an extra special mocha.

That's true. It happens. It happens, folks. Damn. What does Pat have to do to get the pancakes for free? He's doing it, baby. Being Pat. We love him.

All right. Wow, there you go. Take that, Joe DeRosa. Yeah. Sounds like somebody's getting free pancakes next time he goes in. Michael, anything else interesting about any special talents? Very little, no. Anything weird?

What's your least favorite race? My least favorite race? I don't know, Daytona 500. Very good. Hey! Hey! This kid is good. This kid is good. We're going to hustle somebody else up here. Very good Hey That was quick This kid is good

We're going to hustle somebody else up here Michael Regilio There he goes He's on Twitter at Regilio Michael He went last name first First name last Regilio Michael He's fucking funny

I like everybody He left the microphone Perfectly You know I like how you're... He's fucking funny, man. I like that guy. He's good. I like everybody, but I... He left the microphone perfectly. You know, he's cool like that. This is so fair, the way you stir it all up. Yeah, it's fun, right? This looks interesting. This looks like a new name.

Crack a... Okay, wait. That might be something. That might be something else. I'm just going to read this name that's underneath whatever that is above it. Look at this guy. This is him. He's getting ready.

He's on deck. He said the first. Titus Jones. Ah, what's going on, everybody? How we doing? Yeah, well, I'm economically stressed. In other words, I'm broke than a motherfucker. But when you broke, you appreciate the little things, though. You appreciate the little things.

Like earlier today, I went to In-N-Out. I had a burger. About an hour later, I burped and tasted it. was like oh thank you Jesus I appreciate that burp it was like I ate there twice it was like two meals in one for me but when you broke you can't do all the things that people with money do like I don't bring females to my house because I don't got all the up-to-date equipment that you would normally have like you liable to come to my house and see a VCR up in that motherfucker I brought this one girl over she started tripping she was like uh-uh hell nah tight is that the tv with the knob still on it i was like yeah bitch it still work and i had lost the value knob to it right so i replaced it with the stove knob that got low medium high on it she was like turn it up i was like bitch it's already on medium what are are you trying to have me do?

Blow out my speaker. She just kept complaining, though, right? She just kept complaining. She was like, I can't believe you didn't bring me this raggedy-ass shack that you claim to be a house. A bitch can't look at a flat screen. I can't look at TV and HD or nothing. I said, well, hit this weed. Now you're looking at that shit in high definition.

Wow. Titus Jones. Titus. This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah, this is my first time. Very funny, man. Where are you from? I'm from Riverside.

Riverside. Very funny, Titus. That was great. On and off for about eight, nine years. Yeah. Feet in tow. Yeah. It shows.

Very funny, man. How much material do you have? Like an hour, hour and a half? About that. It's cool that you're performing. We all know that this week your father, Kimbo Slice, passed away. Rest in peace, Kimbo! It's good that you're still out here trying to make people laugh. Using it for recovery.

Me and Joe both started the same all all black comedy club in Philadelphia in the Laugh House and that's where we became friends and I gotta say I'm taken back and I just

I get a smile every time somebody says that they're anything than a motherfucker makes me laugh every time broke than a motherfucker tired than a motherfucker that takes me back

that takes me back and also there's some bullshit there's some bullshit that takes me back That takes me back And also This is some bullshit This is some bullshit That takes me back every time I'm a grown ass man And all hell no I'm a grown ass man

This is some bullshit I'm tired of the motherfucker I wanna Funny shit Titus I wanna give my support to you I have to pee so bad Go pee Is that okay?

Yeah go pee Is that your support? I'm not ditching out Cause I don't care I think you're great And it was very funny I I have to pee so bad. Go pee. Is that okay? Is that your support? I'm not ditching out because I don't care. I think you're great and it was very funny. I just have to pee so bad. Just go pee and come back, Joe. Nobody will even know you're gone. No, just go. Put the microphone down.

Why are you so mean? We come down here for free to do this. For free? You're damn right. This is going to be the longest chant I've ever started. Joe has the bladder of a woman. Joe has the bladder of a woman. Joe has the bladder of a woman. That's the first guest that had to do that.

Yeah. Oh, Jeremiah Walken. Oh, look at this. Easy fill-in. It's good to be back. Quick pee that just happened. Very quick pee. Oh, look at this. Look at this. Oh, easy fill-in. It's good to be back. Do a quick pee that just happened. Very quick pee. Oh, Joe, you have better comedic timing than you had before. This is impressive. It's like the same voice, but just a better, crisper delivery.

I don't know. I don't know. Have you heard Dan Soder's one word impression of Joe DeRosa? No. He keeps going, shampoo, shampoo, shampoo, shampoo, shampoo. That's so good. Everyone can do a Joe DeRosa impression of just the word shampoo. Shampoo.

Shampoo. Titus, you look like a bad motherfucker. What do you do for a living? I do Uber and comedy. Wow. Fuck yeah. You have the beard that says that you just, you could really like, you have a beard that says that you have bigger shoulders than what you have.

Does that make sense? Yeah. You have a beard that says you gave the Emancipation Proclamation. You have a beard that says you've been in a razor fight at a barbershop. That has happened. Oh, look at that. Big shave. Nailing it.

Man. Titus, so what do you do for work? Uber. Uber. Yeah. Any crazy shit ever go down in your Uber? Yeah. Any crazy shit ever go down in your Uber? Yeah. A lot of females jumped in the vehicle one time, and they all started trying to get me.

Oh, shit. What kind of Uber are you driving? I have a Rogue, a Nissan Rogue. Damn. So they went Rogue. Yeah, they went Rogue. On you. What'd you do when they were trying to get you?

Well, I can't let them get me because, you know, I'm in a relationship. Oh. How long have you been in a relationship? Come on. Why do you got to be like that, Big J? It's true. Sorry, Vanilla Joe. My apologies.

Hey, Joe, do you know any songs on saxophone? Yeah, I know a few. Shit, he sees you. He sees you. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. You think I can't hear what the fuck you guys are saying? Get him up in that fucking bathroom.

First of all, Jeremiah looks like Anne Heche, first of all. First of all, first of all, Jeremiah looks like Anne Heche, first of all. First of all. First of all, you had five minutes to think of that. No, I didn't.

No, I didn't. No, I didn't. I did not have five minutes to think of it. I was peeing the whole time. Oh, shit. What'd you write for me? What'd you write for me?

What's your fucking... Oh, my God. Your haunted preacher face fucking annoys the shit out of me. Oh, my God. Jay looks like one of the Rugrats, let's be honest right now. It's funny because it's true. Joe, sit down. Sit down.

No, I'm not going to sit down. Do 60 seconds. Do 60 seconds. That's how you get somebody to sit down real quick. I love starting chants Oh fuck You guys are fucking assholes man I just went to the bathroom

I'm sorry to pee real quick It's all good It's all good trust me the listeners loved it I'm sorry I got a teeny tiny bladder. Titus, what does your girlfriend do for work? She just started working. I don't really actually know what she does.

Oh, how many tokens does she cost? You're not banging other chicks because of her, but you don't know what she does. All right. That's what they were all just concerned. Is your hours? Yeah. How do you not know? Like, is your hours like 11 p.m. to like 6 a.m. or like what far as Uber? No.

Like, how do you not know how your girlfriend? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. She got regular hours, you know, from the morning till whatever time she get off. I don't know what time she get off. Morning. Yeah, so regular eight hours. You live with her? What does she do? Yeah, we stay. I don't know what she does. Is her homepage Craigslist?

Wait, you don't know what her job is? No, I don't know what she does. You live with her. I know, right? Wait a minute. Hold on a second. You don't know what her job is? I don't know what her job is. I don't know what her job is. Like, I don't know her title, you know. But where does she work?

I don't know. I don't know. What the? Is this a confused white girl? Nah, she's not white. Black chick? No. Latina.

I can't believe you don't know. She got many jobs. Spicy. I can't believe you don't know how she makes her money. I mean, I've been wondering that for years about Joe DeRosa, but... Can't let that ride. But I mean, you live with... Congrats, Tony.

Does she taste different when she comes home than when she left? Oh, Brian. Brian, you're getting naughty over there. What kind of Latina? She's from El Salvador. Oh, Brian. Brian, you're getting naughty over there. What kind of Latina? She's from El Salvador. Oh, shit. I know what she does. Speaking of taste.

Uh-oh. Speaking of taste, Tony, what does Rogan's dick taste like? Oh! You just thought of that. You just thought of that one. I would say, I'd ask you the same question, but nobody that's that big works with you at all. So I can't even set you up with how to do a tech taste thing. It's because I headline on my own.

I do that too. I saw the special. Not quite. Well, that's funny, Joe, because I did not see your special. You will in October, and it'll be at a venue bigger than the Ice House. Well, you might need a bigger venue, because I don't need to pad my room with laughs. But have fun in your big fancy venue. Tony headlined an open mic in Pasadena. No.

Why are Mommy and Daddy fighting? Is it my fault? This show is sponsored by it. If we break the seal of the sword, it must taste blood before it's resheathed. But back to you. I'm sorry. Not as way more interesting.

Booked all the way to October, by the way. You can get all my tour dates at TonyHinchcliffe.com All the way until October Think about that for a second Guys, go to Tony's show if you ever wanted to see a guy Stretch 20 minutes into 45 Right Titus, this was supposed to be your time I'm having a good ass time

I apologize for these two I apologize for these two dykes fighting it out in front of you. I want to bring you with my whole life, Jeremiah. All right, Titus. We're going to get somebody else up here. It was nice to meet you. Are we leaving Titus already? What? We're leaving Titus already? If you want to say anything else, Titus. We're going to get somebody else up here. It was nice to meet you. Are we leaving Titus already? What? We're leaving Titus already?

If you want to say anything else, you can. It's funny. Titus is funny. At the end of the day, at the end of the day, and I mean this, I love you, and I know where you're at at night. Is that Brett? Thank you, Joe. No, I'm saying Titus didn't know where his girl was. I was saying, like, I love Tony. Oh, right.us in Nowhere's Girl. I was saying I love Tony.

Oh, right. We know each other. Of course. There you go. What was that? Was that a girl choking on a dick? That was one of Kat Agasson's nanny people. Nanny people, as I call them.

She was asking for water. That's very rude. All right, we have two regulars that do a brand new minute every single week. If we get through them in time, we'll go back to the bucket for one last one. But let's get the two people to write and perform a brand new minute every single week up here before we close the show.

Put your hands together for your first comedian. Always sort of nervous, trying to get better at it. Very goofy, interesting style. Put your hands together for Melissa Esslinger, everybody. Thank you. Put your hands together for Melissa Esslinger, everybody. This room felt remarkably like my family dinner table. I've done this before, but...

That's Donald Duck washing his face that's the only impression I was able to do as a child so that was my best friend it couldn't say words but it still made me laugh I drive a stick shift because I'm a hard worker I just replaced my clutch because I'm a shitty driver I just replaced my clutch because I'm a shitty driver. I once was drop... Cool.

Fuck yeah. Hey, hey. That was a minute? Yeah. There's no way that was a full minute. It happens quick. It was a minute, Joe. There's no way that was a full minute.

There's a minute and five seconds. Minute, five seconds. Nervous energy fills a lot I thought you were just Starting to settle in I wanted to see more I really did honestly I agree it did go that was crazy fast I thought you were funny

Yeah it's fun your delivery was good You got through some stuff there was a part Where you almost tried to bail out and panic And stall wondering what we were talking about over here, but you went back in the pocket and saved it. But unlike Tony's hour, I wanted to see more. Joe, you're cruising for it.

I'm cruising for a cruise! I would make fun of the things that you've done, but I literally have no idea. I literally have no idea. I literally have no idea. You keep referencing my special and I keep thinking, what could I possibly make fun of? Appearances on

radio stations and shit. I'm unfamiliar with your work. It's the worst insult you can give. I'll be honest, I'm unfamiliar with your work. I gotta tell you. I'm so uncomfortable. Oh, yeah, you.

Good job. Why are you uncomfortable? It's all about you, huh? Well, no, but right now, I mean, it's the time that I'm shitting. Don't be uncomfortable. See, that's what happens. I shout and then I'm like, oh, fuck. How many weeks have you done this in a row? Since August.

That's a long time. I think you're funny. You shouldn't be so nervous. But it's a nervous part of your character you're doing. I mean, I'm trying to not let it be so real. But you're genuinely frazzled. Yeah. You've got to get over that shit quick.

But you're funny. I think you're pretty funny. That was good off the top shit. Really great advice, Jay. Thank you. Yeah. Get your shit quick. But you're funny. I think you're pretty funny. That was a good off the top shit. Yeah. Really great advice, Jay. Thank you. Yeah.

Get your shit together and then come back and do it again. Stop that shit. Knock it off, asshole. Enough with the nervous. I haven't been this nervous

since I was on TV last for Byron Allen in 2007. Is that me? Is that me? I turned down. No, is that me? Yeah, it's you.

Jeremiah, listen. Look forward to the day that you get on TV with fucking Byron Allen, okay? It'll be some time, but you'll get there. This is not a lie. My girlfriend says the hottest thing about me is that I have turned down Comics Unleashed with Byron Allen 17 times. Wow.

Thank you. That is very impressive. Yes. Why would they ask you after time 11? Couldn't even guess, but every time I go, no thanks. I only did it once.

So that's pretty crazy with shark attacks. Hey Jay, you have a mother-in-law. I couldn't deal with it. I only did it one time. Why the fuck is everybody piling the fuck up on me right now? I'm shitting on Byron Allen. I love you. Why is everybody piling up on me?

I'm not. Don't include me in that I love you No I do love you I'm not I'm not Nobody's Yell at Tony

He's piling on me No I'm not Why do birds No I'm not I am not Tony it's not my fault You have three months to live Okay

We're loyal to Tony We're loyal to Tony Private Pat and Jeremiah First class kill Tony infantry What'd you say? I said we're loyal to Tony Private Pat and Jeremiah Jeremiah, it's not my fault. The only stage show you get is playing half-ass saxophone. What did you say? I said we're loyal to Tony. Private Patton Jeremiah.

Kill Tony First Class Infantry. That's good. Being loyal to Tony is sort of like being loyal to Red Band, which is kind of like being loyal to Joe Rogan. So it'll get you somewhere. Six degrees of Kevin Bacon, bro. I got enough of a laugh. I don't care. I got enough of a laugh Go ahead, I'm sorry

Now you, now you Hey, what's up? Melissa, very, very awesome Very good stuff tonight Another brand new minute Watch her grow every single week Are you seeing progression? Yeah

Wow, she was fucking out as fast as possible. I truly thought Melissa was just settling in. I wanted to see more. She did good. Why is everybody mad at me right now? Nobody's mad at you, Joe. Did you eat dinner tonight before you started

drinking whiskey? Did you eat more than one meal today? I didn't. I'm sorry. I had a feeling you didn't. I didn't either, bro. I drink drinking whiskey. Did you eat more than one meal today? I didn't. I'm sorry. I had a feeling you didn't. I didn't either, bro. I didn't. I'm sorry. I drink with everybody.

Am I that bad right now? No. I think you're doing great. No. No, but it seems like you missed dinner. Red band, am I that? Am I in bad shape? No, you're not.

You're doing fine. Everything's good. Red band, stop winging out Joe. You're doing great. I went to the bathroom. Everybody started making fun of me. We were making fun of you before that. Don't worry.

Jeremiah did a spot on impression. We moved on. Why do birds? You're one other regular that writes and performs a brand new minute documented in front of all the listeners every single week. He's a Kill Tony regular. Really smart, interesting type of comedian that we're building here. Put your hands together for the one, the only, Vanessa Johnston, everybody.

Here she is. I saw on the news that some McDonald's locations now require that their cashiers have a college degree like here's the thing most people go to mcdonald's in the middle of the night and are drunk i don't want to order from someone with an english major like it's not like you're gonna walk up the fucking counter and they're gonna be like um so me and my friend would like i'm sorry i think you mean my friend and i okay shakespeare my friend and i would like the number 11 i'm sorry i think you mean a number 11 what can i get a machine i don't like this cash register person.

I'm not a cashier. I'm the vice president of cash register affairs. That's all. Fuck yeah, Vanessa Johnston. With a new bit about college degrees and working the register at a McDonald's. Once again, that was only a minute?

Yeah, it was 56 seconds. I thought you were going to go a different direction. I didn't want to see you as a cashier because you have a college degree. That's depressing as fuck. I mean, that was alright. I like it. Taking shots at the rich and powerful McDonald's employees.

They could really use a kick down. Is that true though? Is this a weird comment? She is so hot and she could be 19 or 51 years old. I have no idea. She's so hot.

I have no idea. Oh my god. You make observations that make me feel like I just had a stroke. That's so fucking funny. Oh my God. How is McDonald's going to do that? Like Wendy's just announced they're taking all their cashiers and they're making like touchscreens.

So is McDonald's, you think McDonald's is doing this just to like, like weed out all the cashiers? Like, cause they, you know, instead of firing them all. I don't know, dude. I tried so many different ways and they all failed. That was the best I've done. Like,

I tried going like, the attack, the corporate, like, this is so retarded and people were like, don't be mean to them. So,

that, anyway, I'm sorry. Red Band's just bought into the inner workings of McDonald's. Yeah. Yeah.

It's just weird. I don't, it doesn't seem real. I know, Google it. It's on the internet. Do you ever eat at McDonald's? No. It's just weird. It doesn't seem real. I know. Google it. It's on the internet. Do you ever eat at McDonald's? No.

Right. Why not? Why not? I mean, look at me. Because she's 19 or 50 and keeping that ass in great shape. You and Jeremiah

look very similar right now. I'll take it. I'm a hot bitch, Joe DeRosa. Why don't you eat at McDonald's ever? I have when I was really little. But now, why don't you eat at McDonald's ever I have when I was like really little but now why don't you she's a shitty food and I think that the reason why I ask is I think that that's what that jokes missing

I think it need you need to wire in you into it yeah you know what I mean your actual fucking you're giving comedy advice makes Makes me sick. Oh, Joe. You wonder why we were piling on! Joe. It's like Hitler giving tolerance advice. Right, thank you. Oh, fuck off, Tony. Thank you, Joe. You know, I think you need to put a little more of you into that bit.

Tony, shut the fuck up. Okay, thank you, Joe. Thank you, Joe. If you ever want to jumpstart your career, you can ask me for some of that advice. So I just found out it's not true. It was a misprint. Take it from an opener. Here's what you should do.

Yeah. Take it from a guy having the meltdown right now on the live show. You just want to text me I'm sorry now or wait until tomorrow afternoon? You can text me right now I'm sorry about last night and we'll all be cool right now. No, I'm having a great time. Stop it. I know. I'm kidding.

Me too. I love you, Joe. Go ahead. Go ahead. Thank you. You guys are going to have a weird text tomorrow. Possibly. Possibly.

It's possible. The tension is palpable. Oh, shit. You know what I mean? Your perspective on McDonald's is sort of what I was missing there. Anyway. You know, you're talking about... Anyway.

There you go. Vanessa Johnson. Thank you. She's on Twitter. Vanessa Johnstew. Melissa Esslinger. That's the whole show. We did it.

Vanessa, you're super hot. Look at that drawing. That was a blank sheet of paper when we started. That's an awesome drawing. Joe DeRosa, Big Jay Oakerson. Oh, he made me so thin. He did. Thanks, bro.

Oh, you skinny bitch. Skinny bitch. Reagan and Watkins over there. Catch them at Patty Reagan, Jeremiah, Joel Jimenez. So at Jeremiah's stand-up, at Patty Reagan, and mostly normal. Mostly sorry for Joel Menez on Twitter. You whores. Very nice.

Sweet ghillie suit, though, huh? Am I right? Come on. What do you guys want to promote? Big J, you have a ton of shit coming up. Let's just, I got a bonfire on Comedy Central Radio, on SiriusXM, Legion of Skanks podcast. But what's your fucking deal? Crowd Work Show on CISO.com.

Very important. Watch that show. It's so fucking funny. Please watch it. Join CISO and watch this show. It's so good. CISO.com. And it's the next wave of TV is CISO.

Like, watch this shit. It's very good. It's NBC streaming service. It's all crowd work. I bring a bunch of comics up to do an all crowd work show. But my first ever Comedy Central Hour special comes out this Friday at midnight. So please watch it. Yeah.

Watch that shit. I'm very excited about it. I'm very nervous. I hope people like it. Please watch it. Thanks. Joe, is there anything you want to plug of Big J's? I'm sorry, what?

Is there anything that you want to plug from someone who gets work? You know, like any gigs coming up of any of your favorite comedians? I've got a ton of shit coming up, but I don't need to plug any of it. I'm good, man. Joe, seriously, plug something. We love you. I have a podcast. I have a horror podcast with this guy right here, Pat Walsh,

on Fangoria.com called We'll See You in Hell. My first one hour special comes out this fall. I'm on Better Call Saul. Watch that shit. I'm recurring. One of my favorite human beings, Joe DeRosa, Big Jay Ogerson. Thank you guys so much. Cheers.

Thank you. Good night. See you guys so much. Cheers. Tony, I love you. Have fun. Red Band, I love you. Thank you. Good night. See you guys. Bye. Bye. Bye. On the wind that blows superfine through the air. I'm picking up good vibrations. She's giving me excitations. I'm picking up good vibrations. She's giving me excitations.

Good vibrations. Goodbye.