KILL TONY - KILL TONY #162

Episode Date: July 10, 2016

Ian Edwards, Dom Irrera, Josh Martin, Jeremiah Watkins, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Joel Jimenez, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 06/20/2016 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, Redman here. This is Death Squad, and you're listening to Kill Tony. What's going on? Guys, don't forget to go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. That's where he has all his merchandise, his tour dates, including Cleveland, Ohio, La Jolla, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Sacramento, Boston, Buffalo. Check it out. TonyHinchcliffe.com. Also, don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Search the iTunes store for Kill Tony. Hit subscribe and don't forget to rate and review the show. Also, if you want to subscribe to Death Squad, there you have all the podcasts we do here at DeathSquad.tv, including Verbal Violence, What Brian Redband do ice house chronicles, and a bunch of stuff. So just search the iTunes store for death squad. There you have all the stuff in one little subscription on your podcast app. Also check out shop squad dot TV for all the official

merchandise of the death squad universe, including two different t-shirts that are up for pre-order right now. So check it out, shopsquad.tv. And last but not least, don't forget to check out deathsquad.tv. Duh, obviously. Click on Tour Dates. There you can find all the different live shows we do here. Not only do we do Kill Tony live from the Comedy Store every Monday at 8 o'clock, we also have Verbal Violence, which is the podcast of the very popular Roast Battle,

which is now on Comedy Central, coming very soon to Comedy Central, so watch it. But also it's there every Tuesday at the Comedy Store. And then every first and third Friday, Death Squad Comedy Show at the Ice House in Pasadena, California. That's always a great time.

A bunch of comics, trying to test out always a great time. Bunch of comics. Trying to test out new material and stuff. Check it out. You can just go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. And don't forget, if you want to watch any of the video portions to any of the podcasts we do here at Death Squad, just go to Death Squad and click on Videos. There you have all the live shows and all the different podcasts,

video portions that we do. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Rampant coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 4. Give it up for Tony Henscliff! Yeah! Hi, everybody! Wow! Look at this! Live from the Main Room, 400-seat capacity.

Capacity in this room, 400 seats, and we are live. See, what's funny about that is there's only like 60 people here. Hi everybody. There's more than 60. I'm talking to the podcast people right now and our friends at Ustream and on Periscope. Live audience, make some fucking noise. This is Monday night.

This is the craziest show in the world. On a scale from 1 to 10, our episodes lately have been on a level 75 craziness. We met Ichabod and anyway. Brian Redband is to my left, everybody.

Fresh back from New York City where he represented. Hung out with the Skank Fest out there. Big Jay Oakerson. Did you see Big Jay Oakerson's new special? Yeah, it's unbelievable, Comedy Central, go get it Go find it, DBR it Find it on the internet and watch it again Hi everybody, how's it going?

I'm going to keep getting them to make noise over and over again Until it feels like a show What did you do this week? Anything exciting happen for your old Hinchcliffe? Bunch of crazy stuff. But, you know, it's boring. What I can say is this. I'm going on tour, everybody.

I'm going on tour. They say that if you call it a tour, more people get excited about it. I mean, I've been going on the road like every weekend forever anyway. But now I'm calling it a tour. That's right, you sons of bitches. It's coming.

More about that soon. The dates have already gone on selltonyhenchcliffe.com. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Our house artist, Ryan J. Ebeld, has started drawing tonight's episode with a blank sheet of paper. And a shit ton of comedians are here.

Shall we bring up the band, Brian? Sure. Every single week, we have a band here on Kill Tony. They're the Kill Tony Band. We are huge fans of them, and we know you are too. Here they are, ladies and gentlemen. Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel Jimenez, everybody.

It's Reagan and Watkins. Reagan and Watkins. There goes Josh Martin, by the way, out of nowhere. Fuck yeah, here they are, Reagan and Watkins, the band, ladies and gentlemen. This party's about to get started. Their mouths are cold as fuck right now. Pat has the upper half of a drumstick in his mouth. Full commitment. Wow.

Look at the ring of nipple hair that Jeremiah has around his nipple. Really makes it look like he has dark areolas. You do have low-hanging nipples, Jeremiah. If there's one thing we learned from this fancy intro you guys came out with. By the way, they came out in swim trunks with drumsticks and a boogie board

to the song Heat Wave because believe it or not, there's a heat wave here in Los Angeles. Guys, it is hot outside and boy are my arms tired. I'll tell you that much. Your nipples look pretty tired too. They have gone down for the night.

Down to rest. That sounds like if you ever want to have a spinoff band, Jeremiah, that sounds like it. Jeremiah and the Low Hanging Nipples. Live at the Velveeta room. Oh, it's a hot one, Tony.

Yes, it is. It's scalding out there. You know how hot it is? How hot is it, Pat? So hot I took an Uber pool. Jesus. Guys, that's a good one. It really is a good one.

You really caught me off guard with that. You really caught me off guard with that good joke disguised and delivered as a good one. You really caught me off guard with that. Really caught me off guard with that good joke disguised and delivered as a bad joke. That's the way Pat Reagan does it. Wow, Jeremiah, look how unhealthy you are. You are really surprising me. Look at that gut. He hides it so well. Every time he laughs, it crawls over his groin. It flies back up again. Look at that gut. He hides it so well. Every time he laughs it crawls over his groin. It flies back up again. Look at that bounce. It has its own pulse.

Not only is there a heat wave, there's obviously an earthquake, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my god. That belly button is off the charts when you laugh. Goddamn. I don't think I've ever said the words that belly button is off the charts,

but it's going down tonight. I've never heard that as a description for my belly button before. That's because you don't wear, you wear shirts more often than not. Tonight's a little fucking revelation for you. You know what I mean? This will give you some influence

to get in the gym. You don't even drink, though, so that's not a beer belly. What is that? Dude, I like pizza, man. Yeah, he does. Pizza belly. I love it. Joel Jimenez on the percussion, ladies and gentlemen. Where's Josh Martin?

Josh, are you around? Josh? Yeah. That's how you respond? That's how you respond on a live podcast. Just comes down from a string in the ceiling yes you rang sure

you can tell Brian's coming back from a five night hangover in New York City by his timing on the sound effects Josh are our guests here yeah alright well this is fucking awesome shall we meet tonight's guests,

ladies and gentlemen? Huh? Believe it or not, it gets even better than this. Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on the show. This week's no different.

Two of our finest guests ever in a special guest Hall of Fame episode. Put your hands together for the greats. Dom Irera and Ian Edwards, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Dom looks like he's dressed as part of your guys' band tonight. Dom, I'm Aaron Ian Edwards.

Hi, Dom. How's it going, buddy? How are you? He's on. I was just running, and I stopped here. I've been running all day. It's really a good feeling. I try not to dehydrate, and then I just keep running until I stroke. This is fucking scary, man. I know. Jeremiah, take what Dom's telling you as a piece of health advice.

Start running now so that when you run later, okie dokie. Ian Edwards is here. How you doing, buddy? What's up, man? What do you think about this band? What's going on here tonight? It's terrible, man. They're just terrible. Why do I feel like you two bought those bathing suits together at the same time? Because we did. I love it. Is that CVS?

Where did you guys get Target? What are we looking at here? I love that Jeremiah's shorts, if you look, they actually have strings around the thigh so that he can adjust the... They look like women's swimsuit bottoms from the 50s. Yeah, it looks like

some kind of green room wallpaper or something like that. I feel bad for that saxophone. Why? Take a picture of yourself, you'll see. Alright, I will. I'll probably attack you all night. Don't worry about it.

This is going to be fun. Ian and I have great comedy chemistry together. I do. You don't. Oh, there he goes. I mean, the outfit is doing a lot for your humor. You guys ready

to start this fucking show or what? I know I am, guys. We have a bucket that's filled with comedians. Over 50, 40-some, whatever it was, comedians signed up for the chance to get pulled out and do 60 seconds on this stage. Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Oh, you could barely hear that little kitty.

Why don't we listen to it one more time? There you go. That means wrap it up then, Earl. You're sure going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There you go. Live from Orlando. Here we are. It's not that bad of a joke if you do it on the fly, guys.

I love that the comedians are like, whoa, I don't know, fuck you. It's like if I had a week to write that, if Brian's like, hey, I'm going to do it. You're blowing all the good sound effects from the top of the show, by the way. Every one of them. I don't know if you realize this. It's all going to be callbacks now.

So yeah, they do 60 seconds and then we talk to them about anything in the world. We've met some of the most interesting people on the planet in this show. A lot of the comedians that have gotten pulled out ended up getting jobs here. Two more Kill Tony people just got hired here, one of them being Jessica Wellington. Yeah, the first female. Yeah, the first ever female door guy. We live in a special time, ladies and gentlemen, where barriers are being broken one after the other.

So Jessica Wellington, the first ever female door guy at the comedy store. Where is she? Is she here? I don't know. She's out front, actually. She's working today on the patio. Yeah, she is. She's protecting us? Yeah. I feel safe. Let's do it.

Let's do it. So here we go. I'm going to go to the fucking bucket. You guys ready to start this show or what? Guys, a lot of shows say anything can happen. This show, literally anybody who signed up gets pulled out of this fucking thing. So anything can seriously happen. Let's get into this shit.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Kill Tony live from the main room at the Comedy Store, episode 160-something. And your first comedian going up. Make a lot of noise, everybody. Wow, this is a guy that actually used to work here and doesn't work here anymore. Always funny. Put your hands

together for Jamie Salida, everybody. Hey, thank you. What's up, guys? Can you hear me? Perfect. Moment of truth. I love pussy thank you thank you I just wish I knew how to fit it in my ass that's all

I watched this documentary about trans women in the Philippines and basically I learned that if you get the operation and you go from male to female you have to insert a giant tampon regularly. Otherwise, it's just going to shrink up and close on you. I know, fuck that shit, right, girl?

Hell no. That's when I realized I'd be the worst tranny ever. Just the worst. Because I don't even remember I take out my contacts when I go to bed. I don't even remember to plug in my phone when I charge it at night. There's no way I'm going to remember to plug in my phone when I charge it at night there's no way I'm going to remember to plug in my pussy every fucking night because I guarantee I'm going to wake up each morning

like shit my pussy's on zero percent y'all she's in the red there you go 60 seconds Jamie Salida here he is Jamie I love your style. Now, you worked here for how long?

Do you still work here? No, I worked here from like 2010 to 2013. Yeah. Where do you work now? So I'm working with a friend as an assistant. What's the most dicks you ever sucked in one day? That was my next question

Ballpark figure Just like.001 I have sex that irregularly It doesn't happen as much It doesn't sound like it Jamie You have the voice of a guy You have the voice of a guy that has a lot of sex Thank you Ian Thank you, Ian.

Thank you. Now, I remember... He's too likable. Now, I remember you doing, back when I would see you a lot, because I would host the shows here, and you would go up as an employee in the other room. And I remember you would always do a lot of really dirty, a lot of jokes

about like butt fucking and like penises and butts hasn't changed hasn't changed and now you've moved on to full tranny holes like you're really the first person to cover a tranny hole that I really heard like really describe it because I had no idea about that tampon thing yeah the first thing I thought was like you know the whole reason why you put a tampon in is for something called a period. If that thing is forever, then it's not really a period. Thank you, Joel, before I hit the punchline on that one. Thanks for giving me a shot there. I thought I did good.

Oh, my God. That was awesome. Dom, this is your first time on the show since we got a drummer. What do you think about this? Pretty cool, right? I like the whole feel. It's fun. I like the band.

I love Joel because he looks like the sunglasses emoticon. All right. This party's out of control. So, Jamie, is that true? Is that true about the plugging the vagina? What's the word for it? They call it a neo-vagina. Neo-vagina.

Neo-vagina. Yuck! Welcome to the Matrix, huh? A neo-vagina. Oof, take the red pill. All right. I like that he's done his research on this. A neo-vagina

It's called the neo-vagina For the first couple months You have to stick it in regularly And then once you pass a certain milestone You can just start having sex Where it just happens There you go Snoop Dogg out of nowhere

Special guest Long time listener First time caller snoop dog on the podcast um so interesting jamie so really you don't have that active of a sex life or you just shy to talk about it um so no i talk about it i i had a i have a joke about it, and I'm just kind of building on it. You have a joke? No. Oh, shit. Keep going. What were you saying? No, but yeah, basically it was just like I don't have as much sex because I'm scared of getting AIDS.

So I just started taking this medicine called Truvada, which is like PrEP. So basically it's pre-exposure prophylactic. So it's just for control. It gives you a little bit of AIDS? Is that what it does? No. Like micro-dosing AIDS? It builds up a barrier in your body,

so that way HIV can't attach itself to it. So you can have sex without a condom with guys that have AIDS, and you'll be fine. Yeah, I'm kind of scared to test it out though. It's kind of crazy. You bet your asshole you're scared to test that out.

I'm terrified. Is there a lot of good catches that have AIDS? Is that the reasoning? Is there this big gold mine of good looking AIDS guys? Dude, there are. Of course. It seems like in that game the AIDS guys would be like the are. Of course. I mean, it seems like in that game, like the AIDS guys would

be like the fucking like players with championship rings and shit. You know what I mean? Like I've been around the block, motherfuckers. We did it. Hey, Tony. Yeah. It sounds like he's taking Gatorades, you know? Because like. Oh, wow. Man.

I think one of your nipples just fell off, Jeremiah. One of your nipples just jumped for its life The hair's for shading Oh I love it I gotta say he's very likable Yeah You got charm, you got likability Thank you Don You got charm, likability, probably HIV

You have a lot going for you Season one of Charmed on DVD got charm, likability, probably HIV. You have a lot going for you. No, that's interesting. Season one of Charmed on DVD. So you really took the thing so that you can't get it? Yeah, I just started. Wow, how long do you have to take it for? How long does that build up? They say like the

minimum is like a week for it to build up in your body. Oh, minimum. I love that there's a minimum. It seems like they'd really just be like, why don't you just try three weeks? For those of you jonesing for HIV, Dick, at least seven days.

It doesn't seem tested either. That seems like one of those drugs that you're going to end up having super AIDS from or something like that. Brian. Dr. Brian. Our medical research expert, Brian Redband.

So, Jamie, that's interesting. Is there a guy that you know that has HIV or AIDS that you're interested in, in particular? No, it's just something that's going around for us right now where we're like Yeah, we know. We've heard. I think it's been going around a while.

Since the 80s. All right. Jamie. So what else is going on in life? So you quit working here. Do you still do a lot of stand-up? You know, not as much. When you're not doing doggy style, do you do stand-up?

In between dicks. In between dicks. In between dicks. No. Maybe like here and there like once a week. It's kind of like off and on. How many open mics do you hit? You know what I'm saying, people? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. He hits the mic, the gym, the...

Alright. Guys, it's all still gay jokes, everybody. Those are all men's names. Alright. I just gotta say, you gotta jokes, everybody. Those are all men's names. Alright. I just gotta say, you gotta get on more. On stage more and punch up your shit. Because you got some harsh things that make people cringe, so you gotta really punch that shit up.

That's it. Alright, cool. Just real talk. Other than stand-up, do you have any special talents or anything? We once had a Grandmaster Yo-Yo guy on the show. Yeah, KKK Yo-Yo guy. Do you have any hobbies?

Grand Wizard. Do you have any hobbies or special fun facts about you that you want to give us one? You know, I can draw. I can draw comic book characters. That's pretty much it. Manga? Anime? I mean, are you doing the... Oh, more like, just more like...

Can you draw a picture of you getting stabbed by Ryan J. Ebel? Who? All right, everybody, and we're back. We stepped away for a commercial break there for a second, and we are back live with Kill Tony. Welcome back to. Our first ever mid-show commercial break. I hope that edit went through

properly. Welcome to Lukewarm Riffs with Reagan and Watkins. Welcome back. So, Jamie, your special talent drawing that you're going with? Art. Illustration. All right. Art.

Illustration. Comic illustration. Now, what kind of Asian are you? I'm Filipino and Vietnamese. Filipino and Vietnamese. Yeah. Wow. Which one's Vietnamese, your mom or your dad?

Mom. That's a crazy Asian. Yeah. My God. Sometimes I really wish I could rewind the hands of time and just go, don't do that. So did they know you do stand-up? No, I don't think they do.

Like, we don't really talk. Oh, really? Is it because of the old, you know what I mean? That whole thing, the old bridge burner? bridge burner no real prepping your parents for that you know what I mean there's no build up of a oh no they they know about they know about all of that it's just more that we just don't talk

about stuff we just we're not that close we're not like that she's making me fucking sad I'm sorry huh interesting well Jamie it was nice to see you again fucking sad. I'm sorry, Dom. Huh. Interesting. Well, Jamie, it was nice to see you again. Nice to meet you. Always a pleasure. Fun times. There he is, Jamie Salit, everybody.

He's on Twitter at J-A-I-S-A-L. J-Sal. Oh, wow. He was blocking my view from Jeremiah's body. I almost forgot how hilarious that is over there. Oh, there's a new crease that wasn't there before, right underneath the nipples. Your posture as the show goes on gets a little bit worse,

and there's new flaps that I didn't think were happening. Are you performing at Flappers this week, Jeremiah? It's going on. It looks like three rooms at Flappers right there, live, all night. Jeremiah. Jeremiah, you guys look like your hair is connected to your hats tonight.

See, some are for the comedians and some are for the audience. I go back to the bucket. This looks like a new name. I always love that, and I always love it when next to their Twitter handle, they just put the word Facebook. Put your hands together for Josh Popkin, everybody.

God damn, I'm glad Joshkin, everybody. Here we go. I really don't blame Josh. I'd be scared too. Josh, missing the spot. This looks like another new name, and I like this. I guarantee you this person's here because there's a peace sign and a star written next to his name. Put your hands together. This looks like a new name. Johnny Gold, everybody. Here we go.

This way, this way. Yo. From downtown. Great, I made it to the stage. Thank you, thank you. Thanks, band. I appreciate it. I like to start off by doing an impersonation.

Here's an impersonation of my dad when I was four years old. My dad when I was four. See ya. Dads in my neighborhood were like weapons of mass destruction. They were out there. We were looking for them, but nobody could find them anywhere. Just gone.

And when I was a kid, my mom got me a Big Brother of America, and he came to my door. He goes, I'm your Big Brother of America. And, like, after three weeks, that motherfucker left too. And I was like, damn, I got dad repellent. I just couldn't believe it. But in my neighborhood, we had pimps in San Francisco, and I used to go down to the liquor store,

and I used to get candy, whatever they had down there. And I saw these guys. I didn't know they were pimps, but I saw all this money coming out of their pocket. And I'm like, if my mom could hook up with one of these guys, maybe we could get the fuck out of here. Thank you. Fuck yeah.

Johnny Gold, everybody. Hi, Johnny. Now, have you been on the show before? It's a while ago, right? How long ago was that? The Anthony Jeselnik one? Yeah, that was a while ago. So it was like a year, year and a half. Where you been? I haven't seen

you in a long time. I thought you were... He disappeared like your dad. You know, I've been out. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Leave it up to a black man to tell me that. You're still in a lot of trouble. Oh, wow.

Okay, Reagan and Watkins. This guy thought he signed up for a Trump rally or something like that. Go Trump. Johnny Gold. Interesting. No, I mean, I can't get on here, so I don't come here. You can't get on?

I mean, you know, it's hard to get staged. At the comedy store. Yeah, it's tough. I go on every time I want. Dom gets up here all the time. Might have a little. Let me ask you something. You still live with that pain, of when you were four uh i used to have a joke about uh my father left home when

i was in second grade never cheated on my mother used to cheat on me pick up other kids after school take them to the zoo take them to play ball but you know there's there's really a lot more you can flush out because the fact that you brought up two rejections in less than a minute shows the incredible pain that caused you. And I think that is a way you can make it really fucking funny. Thanks. I mean, but you just left it there. You just left it hanging there. Right, right.

Bye. And I expected more from that. I expected more from myself, actually. Can we make this sadder, please? This is a really interesting episode. I feel like maybe... First a gay guy wants a pussy, and then this white dude has no dad.

Yeah. Well, I think this show is... Can I come back when people have, like, parents and dicks? Johnny, do you mind me asking how old you are? 52. 52. Is your dad still... Why is that funny?

What was the sound about? Oh my god. See, that's why I just... People wonder why I let him just hit the button as often as I do. It's because when he gets it, he fucking gets it. It's like Steph Curry last night. Just like one for eleven from three point line, but when he hits it, it makes a good

noise. Johnny. What's your story, man? Is your dad still alive? Yeah. Yeah. Where's he at? He lives in Santa Monica. Santa Monica? Yeah. Johnny, let's do this shit right now. We have a special

treat for you. He won't be able to hear the phone. Here he is. Ron White, ladies and gentlemen. Johnny Gold's dad. Johnny, how do you make your money? I own a diesel truck shop. A diesel truck shop?

Hell yeah. Somebody's got daddy issues. I mean, that sounds like exactly the... Right? I'll show you, Dad. I'm gonna own my own diesel company. I'm more of a man than you'll ever be, Dad. All right.

I don't think it's that sad. Do you ever talk to him? You get over it after a while. Oh, yeah, we're close. I talk to him. You're there. Yeah, yeah, we're close. I've poisoned him.

He's in my basement. How long have you been doing comedy? Since 2002. After 9-11. Right, right. That was my inspiration. Some people joined the army, he joined comedy. Yeah, I did.

So, Johnny, you own a diesel company. And tell us something else about yourself. Like, are you married? Kids? No, one kid, yes. One kid. But you don't know Kids? No. One kid, yes. One kid. But you don't know him? No. I left him.

No. I play professional table tennis. That's about the most. Get the fuck out of here. Next time, open with that. Yes. Yes. When you say professional, you get paid?

I guess I should have. You play table tennis, and the last comedian's middle name was Ping Pong. What a coincidence. I mean, I call it Ping Pong, but, you know, when you call it table tennis, it sounds so elitist. But it's really Ping Pong. I love that game. I love that game, too. It's a hard game, actually.

It is. Yeah. So you're professional. You get paid to do it? I did when I was younger. I was in the U.S. Open when I was 14. That's impressive. game, actually. It is. Yeah. So you're professional. You get paid to do it? I did when I was younger. I was in the U.S. Open when I was 14. That's impressive. It was cool.

I liked it. Your dad would have been so proud of you. Dom, I rare in the house. We're supposed to get better here, Dom. My son is too much of a pussy to even just play tennis. He has to play table tennis. What's going on here? It's so funny.

Just still not proud. Dad, I won the gold medal in table tennis. If you're not putting food on my table, I don't care about it. You know, table tennis, it's a very weird sport. It's not like tennis, where you can make a lot of money. Yeah, we know.

You know, believe it or not, curling does not make as much as the NFL. Breaking news. The thing about table tennis is it's not as popular as regular tennis. Little known fact. I think we're never really on the cover of Sports Illustrated or something like that. But, man, in the middle of the newspaper once a year, maybe. It's a challenge. So, like, what do you win if you win the championship at 14?

Did you win at 14? No. Is that what you said? I was in the U.S. Open. You play, you know, rounds. I got to the round of 16. Uh-huh. And I lost to some Asian dude.

Jesus. You're kidding. There the stereotypes really matter. No, there the stereotypes are right on point. Right. You were a renegade. You were like the Jackie Robinson of white guys. The U.S. Open, if you know anything about sports,

U.S. Open, anybody can play if they qualify. Right. So the first guy I played had one arm and he served it like, I swear, and when I was 14

I was like, I can't play this guy. He served it off his shoulder? Yeah. And when I first played him I'm like, I was 14, I was like,

I can't, I looked at my coach and I go, I can't play him. It just doesn't seem right. Yeah. But then, but you can't lose to him. That doesn't seem right either.

Even more, that's what I was afraid of. I was afraid of losing to him, actually. And how'd that end up going? I won. You beat the one-armed man? I did. Are you proud of me now, Dad? I beat a one-armed kid! Come on, Dad! Please love me! Hey, come on.

Give me ten. This is horrible. This is fucking horrible. Love me! Hey, come on. Give me ten. Never mind. Five's cool. This is horrible. After that guy lost, he's like, you know what? I'm going to go put my one arm around my dad. At least I have that. This fucked up. This fucked up.

The one-armed kid had a dad. Do you know how that kid lost his arm? No, he was like my age at the time. It was the U.S. Open, so you play all different types of games. But how did he lose his arm? Yeah. I didn't ask him. I just beat him and then went on to the next guy. Damn.

I was ruthless at 14. But that wasn't the worst thing that happened. My coach got arrested for child molesting. Ah. That was the fucked up part. The sad thing, it was me who he molested. No, but I really feel

I don't want to waste a lot of your time. It's kind of fucked up. Your dad leaves. He doesn't love kids, but your coach really loves kids. You got to find the middle at some point. No, the fucked up thing is when you're 14, okay, and you don't come in contact with being molested, this guy comes up to me and goes, he actually used to take me to an adult bookstore, and he used to raise me up and have me look through a peephole.

While he ate your asshole. No, nothing. me to an adult bookstore and he used to raise me up and have me look through a peephole. While he ate your asshole. No, but Tony, when you put your eye up to the peephole, did a dick come out of the other side? No, it was just a bookstore. It was the 70s. Just a bookstore. Just people in there. But I noticed he picked me up by my fucking dick.

And I was like, this is wrong. And then I quit right after that. I knew that was wrong. Oh my god. I know. Andre Fagasy over there, right? I don't like how he's licking his lips while he's saying it. Have you noticed this? He's been like for the whole story, he's been

sucked. He's doing these lip, pouty lip things. What do you mean your ping pong coach grabbed you by your dick? Tonight is like an episode of Dr. Phil, by the way, for some reason here. I like it compelling. Let's stick with it. You don't know when you're a kid.

You don't know what it is to be molested. You've never been molested. But you know when he grabbed you by the dick, how did it feel? Oh, Dr. Phil. I almost didn't recognize you By your half of a decent voice Oh, it felt fantastic

Now when he raised you up by your dick There it is What happened? Let me ask you a non-monetization question Like, how serious are you about comedy? I think I'm fantastic I do, I fantastic. I do. I really do. I have a high feeling about myself.

But the thing is that I know my expectations. I have to keep working at it. I've been doing it a while. I've had a lot of success and I've had a lot of failure. But I feel like I'm an artist. I feel like I just keep going out. Well, you definitely have stage presence. You just need to be a lot funnier.

Right. Thanks, Tom. That stage presence. You just need to be a lot funnier. Right. Thanks, Dom. That's going to help me sleep tonight. Maybe take some advice from your old table tennis coach and go back to your roots and why you got into it in the first place. Well, that's why I like doing the show because you do a minute worth of comedy

and then I'm just trying to ask. It's a challenge. It's a challenge doing a minute and finishing being funny. I mean, it's okay is what I'm saying. It is, absolutely.

No, no, yeah. Ever since he got grabbed by a dick, everything he's been good at has been something that you're holding in your hand, like a microphone or a ping pong ball. Brian, you're holding in your hand, like a microphone or a ping-pong ball? Brian, you're almost on to something. I don't know how long you've been putting together this conspiracy. Did you notice that sometimes he holds things in his hands?

Something's up here. Johnny, it was nice to meet you. There he goes. Anything else from Johnny Gold, guys? Johnny Gold, there he goes He's on Twitter at JGLBC Johnny Gold, fuck yeah, there he is He's a good sport

Looks like the kind of guy that's about to star in a workout video Or something like that Looks like Mark McGrath Even though he has the body of Jeremiah Watkins 52 Hey, at least I have a dad bod. Oh, yeah. You also have a dad body.

It's perfect. Oh, really? Oh, I thought he said, alright. There's been a couple Wi-Fi problems here with my skull here tonight. Put your hands together for your next comedian. We've seen this guy before. Hilarious. Lots of energy. Can't wait to see a new minute from him. Preacher Lawson, ladies and

gentlemen. Here we go. Alright. Yeah. Alright. Sorry. Excited. I didn't get off work. I don't work here at all. I just... I used to work here. I'm trying to look for a job. I just got fired

in 2007 and I feel like everywhere I go, it's normal. I got a motorcycle. I'm trying to look for a job. I just got fired in 2007, and I feel like everywhere. I got a motorcycle. I got a motorcycle. It's really annoying when I tell people I got a motorcycle because they always got to tell me a story about how their friends crashed on a motorcycle. Why do people got to be so negative? I don't go with the pregnant women telling them my dad left. How did you live your life?

I know it's dangerous. I was walking down my apartment complex one time. My neighbor walked up to me. She was like, oh my god, you got a motorcycle? Are you serious? Are you serious? You better be careful. I got in a car wreck the other day. My car flipped eight times. I'm looking

to be alive. Blessed. And she black, by the way. And I was like, your car flipped eight times she's like it showed it flipped eight times and i'm lucky to be alive blessed and i was like who counted right like who who's that car when the car's flipping one like who's who's doing that i I got airbags. You see these lips?

Alright, I'm done. Boom. Preacher Lawson. Wow. Pretty sure if you listened closely during that set, you heard a 52-year-old man kill himself. Preacher motherfucking Lawson, you've been on the show three or four times Three times

Every time you've killed Always high energy, always fun How long have you been doing stand up? Seven years Where are you from? I'm from Orlando I don't like telling people that It just messes up the mood

Yeah, I'm from Orlando I moved from Orlando four months ago. I think your mood can be affected for the victims that were shot in Orlando. All right. Jeremiah is very for the LGBT community because he has the body of both a man and a woman and a grandmother. Because he has the body of both a man and a woman.

And a grandmother. Preacher, you are a cold-blooded assassin. How much time do you think you have of that type of joke and energy thing? Well, I mean, I've been done hours a couple times. That's what we talked about last time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not like, you know, of course I got jokes. I have stories, you know what I mean? But I have a minute. And I was really, yeah, yeah. I'm not like, you know, of course I got jokes. I have stories, you know what I mean?

Sure. But I have a minute. And I was really, yeah, yeah. So I mean, I can do about an hour. Of course. Oh, yeah. You're saying it like we're going to ask you to do an hour right now. No, no, no, no. I can do an hour.

I think it's a strong performance. Where was the lip joke going, though? I was going, because airbags. And I was like, you see these lip, these are my airbags. That's where I thought you was going. I was going to do the same tone of voice. I would kill the lip joke. You would kill with that joke?

Yeah, yeah. It's too stereotypical. Oh, OK. All right. I'll kill that joke, man. You shouldn't do it. All right, man. I just wanted laughs.

I'm sorry. I mean, you got funny quality shit. You don't need a lip joke about having black in the end. I got big lips, though, man. I really do. I know I got big. It's not even like, it's not a black in your hand. I got big lips, though, man. I really do. I know I got big. It's not even like, it's not a stereotype. Like, I really got big lips.

Like, you know what I mean? Like, I got a big, like, they can see it. You know what I mean? Like, it's not like they're like, what? I didn't even notice them big old lips. Like, it's 70% of my face. You know what I mean? I got two, man.

They were about to ask you how your shrimp company is going. I'll cut that part. Sometimes I don't even get a laugh. It bombs sometimes. Since the last episode, did you do anything different from that last episode? I think it was something about your energy. If you could do it for like a whole hour set. We were talking about slowing it down.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, do I slow it down? Or did you try that? Oh, man. When I do longer sets, I feel like this, I had to rush it. Sure. Yeah, yeah. So, I mean, that's the only reason. I mean, when I'm doing longer

sets, I definitely pace myself. Preacher, what do you do for work? I work at LA Fitness. I lied. I didn't get fired. I just needed a quick joke to get y'all on the side. Are you a personal trainer? I'm a fitness counselor, so I sign people up for training and if they're like, I don't want to do it, and I'm like,

listen, I'll train you for free every week. And they're like, I'm stupid. And then they do it. So I do that. You don't train them? No, I do train. I do train. I do train every day. I have a friend who recently I found out is one of the most unhealthy bodies I've ever seen in my entire life. And if there's anything we could do, like some kind of like, you know, I'll throw you some money once in a while, you know, just like 20 bucks or something because I, like, feel really bad. Oh, my God. Is that not working out or is that mostly diet, would you say?

What kind of... It really is. Even Dom Iguera, he had just some puke a little bit. It's just like a weird pattern for your hair. Because you got the line up here. We're not talking about my hair. For those of you listening to the podcast, Preacher is now giving a TED Talk on Jeremiah's body. Pulled out a laser pointer and started pointing out the flaps.

See you right here. Good stage work. When he laughs, it bounces. Preacher, anything crazy ever? How long have you been working at LA Fitness? I've been working at LA Fitness for four months since I got it two weeks after I moved down here.

Anything crazy happen? Jeremiah, you should switch gyms, dude. You should get rid of your membership at LA Fatness. Switch it over, dude. Preacher, what else is going on? How's the love life? You've been out here four months. How's that going?

You slaying it at the LA Fitness? It's alright. I'm kind of talking to somebody right now. You know what I'm saying? She ain't texted back in a few days. Just in case she texted back, I don't think that's a question

going to happen. She hasn't texted back in a few days? She hasn texted me back, but she don't love me no more. No, she really hasn't texted me back. It's been like I'm trying to do the thing where I'm not going to text you back either. You know what I mean? I'm losing right now. She won't text me back. You keep checking your phone?

Like, huh? You keep checking your phone? I keep checking my phone. Like, every time I bleep, it's my brother. I'm like, ah! Like, it just makes me so mad. Like, I don't want to talk to you, Mom. What was the last conversation? Our last conversation, I was just like, hey, it's my brother. I'm like, ah! It just makes me so mad. Like, I don't want to talk to you, Mom. What was the last conversation?

Our last conversation, I was like, hey, good morning, beautiful. I hope you have a good day. And then she just, she had a great life. You know what I mean? She hasn't texted back. Do you talk about this in the last few days

since it happened? It's only been like three. This is the third day she hasn't texted back. Then take this, you know, breakup and just do what you just did and do that run. That's a new whole chunk. Okay. At least you got that out of her. Exactly. Yeah, man. But listen, man, let's not

follow up like she's not going to text me. At least she's writing something for you. Maybe her phone's dead. Preacher, it doesn't look good. Man to man. She Maybe her phone's dead. Preacher, it doesn't look good. Man to man. She lost her charger, man. Why y'all being naked?

In another new dude's bedroom. I just started crying. What is she doing in Texas? What's she doing in Texas? She's not from Texas. She lives here. Oh, you said Texas. Oh, that's right.

It was Texas. She lives here. So how long you been smashing? We're literally going, making love. I've been, uh... What the fuck? Preacher, that's the fucking problem. Did you just say that? Preacher, that's the problem.

Listen, are you treating her different than the other women you fuck with? First off, I only have one woman! You don't have a woman. You sound like a crazy man right now. Listen, just because we haven't met yet doesn't mean no. Oh, shit. No, no, no.

Look, man. She cool. Preacher, just be honest. What's happening here? You turned into the nutty professor on us for a second here. Preacher, you're Ed Murphy. You crazy. You like her too much. You scared her off.

I think you like her too much. You scared her off. I think you like her too much. You scared her off. I do like her. I don't like her. Look, man, if I liked her enough, I mean, go ahead. Is it because... I like her, man, but I don't want to be in a relationship right now. I think there's another reason. You just said, I have a woman.

That hasn't texted me back in two days. You talk to a girl and then you stop talking to her. You're like, no, I'll do it. You know what I mean? Be with you. Preacher, and you're like, no, I'll do it. Be with you. Could you speak English? What the fuck are you saying? That's why she's not texting you back.

You're in an auction right now. That's racist. Extremely. Last date you went on with this girl. What was that? Tell us the truth. Don't stop thinking of bits, you funny motherfucker. Tell us what you really did. What exactly did you do? It, tell us the truth. Don't know. Don't stop thinking of bits. You funny motherfucker. Tell us what you really did.

I'm not going to. What exactly did you do? It was inside the kill Tony. See, it was your fault. It was inside the kill Tony room up in the belly room. I took it here. You brought her here. Yeah, dude. That's why shit went bad.

I don't know. You've seen tonight. What happened after? I mean, what happened after? After you left here? I just I think she doesn't. She's not hitting me back because... Come on, man.

Special guest coming in from the back of the room. She's in on it. She contacted us a few days ago. She brought her to the show. She said, all right, Preacher. All right. Tony, you know what happened. She left with me.

Wow. Preacher, what did you guys do? That didn't get a laugh because that could actually happen because it's real. My boy, Patty Rake is smashes. She don't do drugs. That can't even happen. That's not possible. Preacher, answer this question. After

you brought her to the show, you probably didn't get up that night, right? No, I didn't get up. Random bucket selection. So what did you guys do right after you left here? Tell the truth. I thought you said you were going to get up at the, right? No, I didn't get up. Random bucket selection. So, what did you guys do right after you left here? Tell the truth. I thought you said you were going to get up at the comedy store. Well, baby, a thing happened to me. I would have taken it on the list,

baby. You know what I'm saying? I'd have a copy. We can totally do that. Oh, my God. Killed it. Killed it. Killed it. That's what I was looking for Pay attention to my lips baby What we do

Each other What do you mean what you do Did you put a finger in it Listen I don't want to be nasty guys Did you smash it Like a bunch? We didn't. Listen. I don't want to be nasty, guys. Did you smash it? Huh? Did you smash it? Like a bunch of times.

After Kill Tony that night. Yeah. Like a lot. And then what happened? So she's not into the sex. No, no, no, no. Hold on, man. There's some weird shit.

You know what I'm saying? Hold on. I would have died. You know what I'm saying? I mean, we smashed it. It was totally cool. I like it. But at the same time, she also was scared because I got a big list.

You know what I'm saying? She got mad. Listen. She got mad. All right. All right. All right. I can't post this.

Kids Kill Tony podcast. I'm a fan for now. You can't post it, Preacher? That's what you're worried about? Trust me. We're going to post the dog shit out of this. You can post it. I don't care.

It's not going to be on my page. This episode, like, so one dude doesn't talk to his parents. The other dude, his parents left. And then everything seems bright and happy with you. And then your girl has to text you. I don't know what my dad looked like. You don't know what he looks like? No, I don't know what he looked like.

I don't know his name. Nothing. I know my mom. She's pretty cool. I mean, I sort of have an idea. I mean, I don't want to sound racist here. But I think I sort of have an idea of what your dad looks like. I mean, preacher,

let's not bullshit ourselves, shall we? Was that an Eddie Murphy joke? I didn't, it went through my head. You don't know what your dad looks like? Welcome to the NBA. A lot of black people in the NBA. Hey, you know, and then I agree with you about the stereotype thing. The big lips?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should call them soup coolers. That's not, I've heard that, man. I The big lips? Yeah. You should call them soup coolers. I've heard that, man. I got big lips. There he is, back again. Preacher, in closing, anything else? Any fun facts about Preacher? You have any special skills?

Table tennis or looting or anything like that? I don't know. You said moving. I said looting. But nobody heard it and I was happy with that and then you had to ask me what I said. Preacher, I would love to have you back on the Death Squad show July 1st if you're around.

That's how it happens. Preacher Lawson. Bring a date, man. And I'm going to put in a good word with you with whoever the fuck is hiring people here. I'm going to say in a good word with you, with whoever the fuck is hiring people here. I'm going to say something for Preacher Lawson. He's just too much of a crazy energy. Probably not going to do anything for you.

That's sort of weird about me here. It probably hurt him. Yeah. You know what I liked about him? He was actually having fun. Yeah, absolutely. That's the whole thing. Everybody else came up here in tearjerkers.

Bunch of tearjerkers. Preacher Lawson's on Twitter at Preacher Lawson. Exactly how it's spelled, all one word. All right. I feel like I've seen this name before, but I can't put a face to it. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Lonnell Price, everyone. What's up?

Hey, I'm mad at y'all Chicagoans. I mean, Californians. I've only been out here for like three weeks. And why y'all tell me about these crazy-ass homeless people? I swear to God, like, true story. I'm on the bus, man, in my business. Here come this goddamn crazy homeless dude. He's like, hey, you. I was like, me?

He said, yeah, you. I was like, what's up? He's like, who's the hottest rapper in California? I was like, Snoop Dogg. He's like, no, me, MC Mucho. Hit it. Shotgun in my hand, go bang. I got your girl On my dime Go light

She gonna let her nigga Rock a train Choo choo choo choo Bang bang I got me a little Ice cold chain I got me a little Diamond pick and write

Then he stopped His performance Was like You got a dollar I'm like nope He's like well fuck you Then And then it was

Messed up Three days later I was in the shower Singing that shit Shotgun in my hand Go fight My girl like What the hell song You sing And then it was messed up. Three days later, I was in the shower singing that shit. Shot good. My head going to fight. My girl like, what the hell song are you singing? I said, MC Mucho, bitch.

She said, who the fuck you call a bitch? We got to fighting. I call it domestic. I went to jail, y'all. Wow, Lonnell Price. Fuck yeah. I don't even know where to begin with that. Did I told you I rode the subway in New York City?

And I think I said, were you on the subway? It sounded like you were on the subway in New York City. No. I had no idea what the fuck you were talking about that whole entire time. No, no. Whoa, Brian's doing one of his super awkward things that he does once an episode. Look out, everybody. Just ignore it and pretend like it didn't happen.

No, I mean, seriously. Okay. If there was a joke wrapped up somewhere in there, you really confused me. No, no. It's like longer. You know what I'm saying? They laughed at the end. Yeah.

They got it. Yeah. It takes like more than 60 seconds to say that. You should probably not. You should use one of your shorter jokes then. Yeah. I try. I try.

Well, now, let's not even. I'm not even going to. I don't even want to get started with what you talked about up here tonight. How many different t-shirts do you have? How long

have you lived in Los Angeles? Three weeks. From Chicago, I'm guessing. Am I right? When you came out, you said, I'm sick. Yeah, I'm the guy who... Am I right? Yeah, remember last time? When you came out, you said, I'm sick of all you Chicagoans live in Hollywood, California. No, no.

Yeah, I get confused sometimes. You've been out here three weeks. How many shirts did you bring from Chicago with you? And why the fuck is that one of them? No, this is... Yeah, Brian, again, dropping the song before the beat comes in. You are just really so close.

I love it. I've been had this shirt before I came out here, but everybody loves Tupac. Plus, he got the movie coming out. He does? He has a movie coming out? Yeah, the hologram does. On what, Instagram? No, no.

It's directed by Lee Daniels. It's going to be the shit, man. We got to see it. I mean, if I didn't want to get shot, I wouldn't wear that shirt. I feel like you have doubled your chances of getting shot in a drive-by by wearing that shirt. I don't even think Tupac would wear that shirt

if he was alive today. For those of you listening, he's wearing a shirt. I don't even think Tupac would wear that shirt if he was alive today. For those of you listening, he's wearing a shirt with the Jeremiah Watkins body on it. Only when it's wrinkled. Lonnell, tell us more. How are you making money? You just got here three weeks ago

You have a lot of it how long you been on stand up Two years Two years really Two years What made you think you was ready to come out here What made you think you was ready to come out here I think I was ready man Because Chicago they like

You know it's a lot of deaf out there So I was trying to stay alive It's the Purge. It's the Purge. The Purge. The Purge has begun the commencement, so. What part of Chicago was you from? I thought he said, like, deaf people. Like, there's a lot of deaf people out there.

You gotta watch your back out there. They'll come up on you. That was a good show, man. Lonnell, what the fuck did I get an answer out of what you're doing for work? yeah I do Lyft and Uber remember I'm in the Lyft and Uber

no I don't remember you were on the show before? I was on like three weeks ago y'all asked me about my girl and she left me for the guy in St. Louis and I found out his name his name is like Rahim and y'all say he might have a big penis, but don't that sound like a guy with a big penis?

Rahim? She left a guy named Lonel for a guy named Rahim? Sounds like a real winner to me. Yeah. How you just explained it, that little tidbit though, if you did

your comedy that speed it'd be a hundred times better because we understood it and it was funny and it felt pure and like it felt real the other thing was like i couldn't follow you it was i was like i said the joke is like pretty long so you know i tried to yeah don't ever don't ever double time it i've done that before where i've tried to fit in way more jokes than I could and it just ruins your timing. It makes it feel uncomfortable. People are trying to catch up. You're just flying over tags if there is any.

Lonnell. Lonnell, what have you been doing the three weeks that you're here? Where are you living? I'm living in a hostel. It's about me and like 20 random Russians and shit. I like for real though. Well, you don't have to worry about them stealing your clothes.

No, like for real. I'm staying with some creeps, man. I caught one of my roommates jagging off like two days ago, man. It was very awkward. You didn't catch it. You walked in. No, no, no. For real.

Look, he forgot to lock the door. Is it one room? No, it's like four different rooms. And there's like bump beds and stuff. And like he forgot to lock the bathroom door. And like I just like opened the door and this motherfucker had the laptop with his legs. Wow. You ruined a special moment.

No, like for real, y'all think I'm making this up. No, we don't. People can't jerk off. You said he's laying in bed? No, he for real, y'all think I'm making this up. No, we don't. People can't jerk off. You said he's laying in bed? No, he was like, you know how you're sitting on the toilet. Sitting on toilet. He had his legs on what, the shower? No, he had his legs just up.

Masturbating with laptop. On what? Oh, like straight across? Straight across my lap, yes. What? What is going on? What are you trying to force into this dialogue that I'm having? No, he caught me masturbating

with a laptop on my... So when you opened the door... Lonel's roommates, everybody. When you opened the door, you didn't immediately go, oh, there's somebody in here, and shut it. You opened and go, what's going on here? Wham, wham, wham, wham!

He waited until I finished. It was very awkward. Did you gobble it all up? Okay, Brian, you are really active tonight. He waited until I finished. Did you gobble it all up? Did you get lotion all over your face? Brian, you are really active tonight. We have guests here and a bunch of other positive, crazy things going on. The laptop fell. Lonnell, stick with me up here.

I have a question for you. You're saying that he had his legs straight out. What did he have his feet on? Nothing? It was a squatty potty. Oh my god. So he has his butt on the toilet? He got both his legs just up, I guess so. What is he sitting on? He's sitting on the toilet. Right. Where are his pants? Nowhere. Nowhere. On the floor. Not around his ankles

or anything like that. And he has a computer balancing on his legs behind his... And when I opened the door, the laptop fell on the floor. And I got to see what he was actually watching. That's what he was watching what really creeped me out. This motherfucker is watching

latex fart videos. Wait, wait. So you came came in stood there and go excuse me what category of porn is this russian classics wait wait at first i'm just like all right i don't buy any of this anymore because i just kept hearing like farts and shit i'm like what the fuck is you watching not only i caught, it was just like Wait, wait. The show gives you one minute, but during this conversation, he's working out another five minutes.

He's pushing it. Wait, so you heard fart noises coming from a bathroom and you're like, I'm gonna see what's going on in here. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. Oh my god, somebody turned off the fiber dams. He's wearing latex. I know.

That a weird fetish, man. Like people be having creepy ass fetishes, man. That's one of them. Now I'm scared to fart around. I don't believe any of this story at all. Dom, any initial thoughts about Lonnell? Any feelings about Lonnell? No.

Come on, Godfather. Honestly, I couldn't understand you sometimes. You got to slow it down and sometimes speed it up at other times and don't cackle it yourself. And that's the gist of it. But you seem to be having a lot of fun. Now that you're in L.A., maybe you should try to do more spots and hustle around town. I did flappers, man man but they did me wrong they said

no I didn't bring nobody so they like hey we not gonna book you no more you don't know no more you didn't count Tupac as one person I had this one girl supposed to come but she like didn't show up don't worry she didn't text the other dude back

so you're good The girl was supposed to come, but she didn't show up. Don't worry. She didn't text the other dude back. So you're good. Well, you know, I'm sorry things didn't go better for you here tonight. And I'm really sorry that last night you lost game seven to LeBron James. It's really sad. But there you go. There he goes. Lonnell Price, everybody. Three weeks into Los Angeles.

I can't tell whether he's 12 or 37. Pretty interesting guy. There he goes. He touched me. He touched me. He touched me. Alright. I like this because I'm sure that this is a new name,

or else I would have noticed this before because it's hard to pronounce. Put your hands together for Andre Taboada. Wow. Thank you. So I'm originally from Peru. Your silence is welcoming. Thanks. Appreciate that. But nobody can tell where I'm originally from Peru. Your silence is welcoming. Thanks. Appreciate that. But nobody can tell where I'm from.

I would like to think of it as my superpower. In Germany, they thought I was Turkish. In Spain, they thought I was a gypsy. In Thailand, they thought I was Indian. And in India, they thought I was Pakistani. My superpower allows me to go to any country in the world. I look exactly like the minority they happen to hate there. As you may have noticed, I have an accent.

If you didn't notice, that's because your accent is thicker than mine. You know who you are. When you have an accent, people think you can't understand them, and they're very rude about it. And by they, I mean you. You come at me like, oh my god, I'm sorry, you're a foreigner, right? So, uh, would you like me to speak slower then? Like, would you like me to speak slower?

No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't like you to speak slower. I would like you to speak more slowly. That's an adverb. You're welcome, motherfucker. The newer language, America. It's not that hard. There're welcome, motherfucker. The newer language, America. It's not that hard. There you go, Andre Taboada. Andre, this is your first time on the show?

First time, yes. How long have you been on stand-up? Two and a half years. How long have you been in America? 14 years. Where in America are you from? I'm from Peru originally But I started doing comedy in Miami

You're from Peru? Oh yeah, you came over on a raft How long have you been in Los Angeles? 8 months Peru bit That's my boy Patty Reagan, killing the game. Yeah. So, Andre, you came with your parents from Peru to Miami, or did you go solo?

So I came to California first, actually, with my parents. And, yeah, I moved to a bunch of places. So all the places I was talking about. It's not. They're both still there. My dad moved back to Brazil, actually. So I guess it is sad. Fuck.

But, yeah, I started in Miami. Then I moved back here. I'm getting a little nervous. And my accent is getting, like, thicker. I didn't realize I just crawled into an episode of Carmen Sandiego for a second. We went all around the globe there, for those of you paying attention to his answer of where in America he's from. What do you do for work? I teach.

What do you teach? Don't say English. Math and English. Wow. math and English wow I prepare kids to go to college like the SATs, ACTs and they look at me the same way you guys are looking at me right now so yeah, it's kind of the way it works in all

I'm sorry? in all of you the way we're looking at you, we're in all of you we're in all of your incredible talent yeah you have a gift, my friend. Take that gift and share it with the world. It's not comedy.

Appreciate that. You're a math teacher, I can tell. Horse of truth. Look out. Andre, tell us something else about yourself. Let's see. Wow. Because, you know, like accent jokes, you know, like those are funny and shit.

But we want to know about you. Went to high school in Germany. That's where I went to school. Did someone say Germany? Yeah. Oh, hello. Hello. You said one of the three ethnicities that they know how to do.

There's nothing I like more than a Peruvian man. That sounds terrifying. Your voice is haunting me. Did you hear, Sivan, about the Holocaust? Yeah, did you hear that one? I heard it. I participated in it So you make good money from doing that?

Math and English tutoring basically? I make enough when it's the business season How long have you been a tutor? Eight years Right over the head That was Right over the head That was right over the head How did a Peruvian end up going to high school in Germany? Because I went to a German school in Peru

So they had this like They had this Okay Inception It's like inception What the fuck? I know, I know, I know Your story is crazy

Well, I started in California, went to Miami, born in Peru, went to a German school in Peru. There's only one German city in Peru. That's where I live. You sound like you stole somebody's identity. Yeah. It sounds like how I feel when I'm getting pulled over by a cop.

Like, no, I'm not drinking. I was over at this bar. Yeah, what do you mean? I was born in Peru. Drink in Peru. it's a German place So what do your parents do? Your dad's Brazilian Your mom's Peru Am I right?

Is that what you said? Because at one point You said After they came from Peru You said your dad went back to Brazil Yeah, he was born in Brazil But then he moved to Peru Mom, Peru

Yeah What's the difference Between those two cultures? The language. What else? Anything else weird? This guy is a straight shooter, you know. You asked.

The butts are different. True. Anything else like culturally different between Peru and... The food. The food is completely different. Brazilian is way better, right? Yeah. Steakhouse. No, I mean,

yeah, they have that churrasco and stuff like that. Is there a Peruvian Vax or is that just Brazilian? What does your dad do for work? My dad, he doesn't do much. He married a doctor, so he's all set and good. That's not your mom?

Yeah. Your parents got divorced. She's a doctor. What kind of doctor is she? A dermatologist. Ooh. Interesting. He's good. Yeah. Wow. Wait, where is she a doctor at? That's the real question.

So, yeah, in Sao Paulo. In Brazil? Yeah, yeah. She met a new lady. Oh, my God. That's the real question. So yeah, in Sao Paulo. In Brazil? Yeah, she met a new lady. Oh my god, that's like a two-week program there. Skin doctor in Brazil. You got running water? You're a doctor. Hello, my name is Dr.

Britta. Nice to meet you. Do you think it's safe to go there for the Olympics? Not necessarily. It's really not. Especially Rio can get weird. So yeah, it's safe to go there for the Olympics? Not necessarily. It's really not. Especially Rio can get weird. So, yeah. Yeah.

It's a bit scary. Rogan said that it's the one place where, like, it's just horrendous. They have him travel in armored SUV. Like, they'll just fucking kidnap someone. Right? Have you been there? When's the last time you were in Brazil? Was there actually January for my dad's

wedding to the doctor lady wow she she seemed like a nice lady doctor lady take this man finally uh what was the wedding like anything crazy crazy happen there? No, I was... How many... Do you guys... Is the pinata one of your things at weddings, too? Not at weddings, no. Birthdays. When they lift the veil,

was there another veil underneath that she had to keep on? No, there wasn't. All right. All right. Oh, forget it. No, don't dig it deeper. Here we are.

Back to Andre. Is it Andre or Andres? Andres. Andres. I had a feeling. That's it. Yeah. Something very fucking Pablo Escobar about you.

And I don't have my finger quite on it yet. Does your dad know how to fly planes? No. But. No, but what? No, sorry. Because you said Pablo Escobar. Actually, my first name is Pablo. My second last name is Escobar.

Second last name? Wait a second. So your name is Pablo Andres Escobar. Taboada Escobar. Your name is Pablo Escobar. It is, yeah. Oh. That's awesome.

Andre, I'm about to give you the easily, the greatest advice I've ever given any comedian on 160-some hour-and-a-half long episodes of this show. Change your name to your real name immediately. Absolutely. You are Pablo Escobar. Sounds good. I don't know, man.

I feel like it's a lot to live up to, you know? You're right. Pablo was very funny. That's fucking crazy. So when you travel, your passport says the words. Pablo Escobar. Which is one of my bits that I do. One of my bits.

Wow. Closest thing to, what's the most illegal thing you've ever done? Because, I mean, you're a math and English tutor. For Pablo Escobar, it's going to be funny to hear that jaywalking is your biggest... The most illegal thing I've done was overstaying my visa, I guess. Hopefully it's not right now. This is a live podcast. Pablo Escobar accidentally stayed a couple extra days.

Watch out. One time I checked out of my hotel late and it was a big misunderstanding. Has the name Pablo Escobar gotten you into shit in real life? I know you said you have a bit about it, but I'm just talking real talk. No, yeah.

They put me in rooms with a bunch of people and going through all my stuff for like an hour or so. That's fucked up. Dom, what do you think about this guy? Pablo Andre Taboada Escobar? You sound Cuban to me. Does anybody ever say that to you? Well, I just moved here from Miami

so it probably rubbed off a bit. Oh, where the heat is on. I think that... Dom? Never mind. No, come on. I'll wait till next show no I thought he did well I thought he had

good stage presence it took you so long to get to that punchline but that's the chance to take with a minute and you know instead of trying to punch him out

like the kid that was on before you was almost too much and you were like a little too little you know what I mean thank you I don't mean in a negative way I just mean it in the sense that obviously was almost too much and you were a little too little. Thank you.

I don't mean it in a negative way. I just mean it in the sense that obviously you have something. You can tell you were a teacher. You're smarter than most comedians. And I love you. Ian, anything for Pablo Escobar? He's only been doing it two and a half years.

Try to get on as much as possible and write a lot and punch it up and keep doing it. That's all. There he is, Andre Taboada, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks, guys. Thanks. He's on Twitter at Andres What. A-N-D-R-E-S What.

All one word. There he goes. Let's get our two regulars up here and then we'll go back to the bucket one last time at the end of it all. Going up first, what? We could put a couple extra, because we're not in the belly room. Maybe we will.

Who knows what can happen? There you go. Brian Redband just dropping it like it's hot. Out of nowhere, 20 minutes before. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to bring up your first regular tonight. You know her.

Stand-up comedy is not easy. She started with us six months ago, shaking to death, barely able to speak a word. And now she's about to do and write and perform another 60 seconds. One of the hardest things to do in comedy. Live for you once again. Put your hands together for Melissa Esslinger. Wait. If I were a cartoon character, I would be the nervous turtle from Rocko's Modern Life.

Oh, boy. I can't stop worrying about the three little pigs story. If the wolf was able to blow the first two houses down with his breath, why couldn't he kick in the door? Oh boy. I'm nauseous. People say that I'm my own worst critic. Oh great, another thing I'm not good at.

Sorry. My doctor once told me that I had oppositional defiance disorder. I demanded a second opinion. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. That's it? There she goes. That's exactly a minute right now.

Melissa Essling. All right. Sounds like you found yourself a catch right now. Melissa Esling. Alright. Sounds like you found yourself a catchphrase. I don't watch Rocko's Modern Life. Is that something that the character says? Is that a show that's on right now?

No, it's an older show. Who? Oh, you were? What did you play in that? That's awesome. I like that show. Oh, you were? What did you play in that? The slug. That's awesome. I like that show. But it's a nervous turtle, the character is. Gotcha. Now, how many people out there know about the nervous turtle from,

what's it called? Oh, wow. Interesting. Never seen it. I didn't know Kill Tony and Rocco's Modern Life had such a crossover I wouldn't have guessed that but it's still probably maybe like 10 people out of this group that's so obscure if you're going to use

something like that you kind of have to give it a little bio with it for people like us that have no idea what you're talking about you have to tell us why you're like the nervous turtle that's what we're waiting for the whole time not voices or quotes from it you know what I mean I mean if it was something

like, hey, you know, Harrison Ford, we all know who the fuck Harrison Ford is. Oh, I get that. So you have to kind of, if you're going to talk about this obscure turtle, you have to be like, it's like a turtle, he's kind of weird and nerdy, he's a cartoon from the 90s. Insecure, always fucking up, and then you're in.

You know what I mean? Then you're talking about it. Oh shit, what's about to happen here? I think Dom's about to give her a table tennis lesson. I couldn't get it unscrewed. Got stuck. Oh, there it goes. Thank you. Fuck yeah. You have to put some of that mini lesbian strength into it, Melissa.

How's life going? What's going on with you? Good. I'm working again, so that's good. Ian, what do you think about Melissa Esslinger? You've seen her before, right? No, first time. Oh, wow. So the old boy thing is the thing the turtle does, right, on the show?

The what? Oh, boy, he does, and I'm nauseous he does. The rest was just what I wrote. I was just thinking that you can't even though the turtles a good reference for you you can't use the turtles catchphrase right you can't steal an animated character's catchphrase and use it as yours right so even though that's good it's like yeah you gotta come up with something else but I kind of see where you're going you got one line that's likedirected and shit like that. So there's some

potential there for real. You just have to figure out a way to wire in those lines in joke form. You already have your finishing point. You know that the catchphrases are oh boy and whatever the fuck. So you just have to write your way to there. It's not just like you can't just do

the voice after something. You'd probably be better off just saying I feel like a slow turtle like I act like this and don't even talk about this cartoon character just do the turtle voice maybe I don't know again put your hands together if you know the character raise your hand

why well there are people raising two hands up here what the fuck is this shit you guys fucking studio audience is this what it is? I don't think people like raising their hands. Clap your hands if you know the character that we're talking about. Yeah, it's still the same people. They all raise their hands.

How many of you know the character Ernie from Hey Arnold? That was him as well. Fuck yeah, Don. And you all know the slug from Rocco's Modern Life. Also, Dom Irera. Boom. And the lunchbox from the movie The Toy Story.

Dom Irera. There wasn't even a lunchbox. That was a lie. People were clapping though. That was hilarious. The lunchbox. Liars. Melissa, yeah. The lunchbox. Liars. Melissa, anything else cool going on?

You dating anyone? Anything fun happening in life? Anything crazy happen this week? I went to Santa Barbara over the weekend. Oh, snap. Oh, shit. That was fun. Yeah.

Did you share some dancing? I went to, we tried to go to the hot springs, but there were a bunch of wasps, and I chickened out. Who's we? A boy? A girl? A boy. Oh. We're about to watch Melissa fall in love.

I thought you said she was a lesbian. I'm confused. Yeah, she's wearing a choker. Which one is it? I'm guessing somewhere in between. She probably dates somebody with a body like Jeremiah. Get the best of both

worlds. Some little A-cups and Anyway, so you went to the hot springs and then you chickened out because there were wasps. Well, I mean, we didn't go just for that. That was just part of the day. Right, you know, the hot springs, and then you chickened out because there were wasps. Well, I mean, we didn't go just for that. That was just part of the day. Right, you know, the hot springs. You just went from the hot springs

to the bed springs. You know what I'm talking about? Check the kindergarten sex with Melissa Esslinger. Did you smash? Welcome to Did You Smash? I love that show.

I would watch every episode of that. I would watch that show. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. But did you smash? Remember, Melissa, the secret to the show is answering questions honestly or not at all. So, whoa, you did? What?

I didn't just meet him. I'm like, there's no wrong answer. What the fuck? That's my life. I love that spring sound effect, by the way. I love it. Well, that's fun. Good for you.

Is that something? Why are you exhaling like that? Because I'm really uncomfortable. You're shy to talk about your love life on the show? Yeah. Aw, that's adorable. Somebody's a squirter. Whoa! Whoa!

How dare you? Why would you do that? That's wrong. Bad red man. Bad red man. Bad boy. Thank you, Pat. If she was a Pokemon, her name would be Squirter. Alright. Squirter! I choose you! Squ name would be Squirter. All right. Squirter, I choose you.

Squirter. Oh, my God. All right, Melissa, anything else? She's so nervous. It's hilarious. She's actually the least nervous she's ever been on the show, times 30. I just haven't even mentioned it because it doesn't even really seem to be that much of a thing right now. She's strangling that microphone.

Yeah. Other than that. I just wanted to try doing a voice. I didn't think I could do it, so I sort of did one. Of course. When you're writing and performing a new minute every week, it's important to try new shit and have as much fun as possible and take chances, and you did it again.

Melissa Esslinger, everybody. Thank you. new shit and have as much fun as possible and take chances. And you did it again. Melissa Esslinger, everybody. Fuck yeah. I'm moving along. Absolutely.

Okay. All right. This show is, I mean, okay. Ladies and gentlemen, your other regular who writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. Very cool, very fun. Put your hands together for Vanessa Johnston, everybody. Here we go.

Thank you. I know the government's watching me because I've never received a dick pic, which is fucking impossible. My face to dicks is like Florida to old Jews. It's like a beacon. Like, it doesn't make any sense. The government's fucking stealing my dick pics. That's my point.

Probably by a gay dude who's in the closet. Not a guy who's, like, in the closet being gay, but literally a dude working the CIA in a closet who's gay, who's stealing my fucking dick pics. It bothers me that the government probably reads my texts, but doesn't watch my stand-up. The government is like a drunk parent.

They try to tell you what to do, and they say they know what's best for you when they can't even tie their shoes. And most of the time, you're ashamed of them. The end. Okay. That's a minute of Vanessa Johnston. I find it unbelievable that you've never gotten a dick pic before.

I know. It's weird. I've sent you three myself. Exactly. Yo, where's the horse of truthful men? She thought somebody was just sending her a picture of a baby's pinky finger. She didn't think it was a dick. You want to see daddy's dick, don't you, Tony?

Yeah, sure. Please send me the first Google image you find of big white cock. I'll show you the real thing. Please keep being creepy and calling it daddy's dick. Yeah, exactly. That's when you know you're about to see'll show you the real thing. Please keep being creepy and calling it Daddy's Dick. Yeah, exactly. That's when you know you're about to see a pic of the real thing. I love it. Vanessa, let's talk about it.

Your face to dicks is like Florida to Jews. Which I found relatable. I mean, a lot of Jews go to Florida, and it sort of can be confused like you're saying. Like, a lot of dicks go to your face. Yeah, no, I know.

My original thing was, like, schools to shooters, and I was like, oh, that's, like, mean. Anyway. Brian, I know you haven't acted like it for the last hour and a half, but there's a live show going on over here. Oh, I'm sorry. I just wanted to put my dick on the back of your neck. Very good. Very funny.

Listen to him cackle at himself, everyone. This trademark, it must be funny if I'm laughing this hard laugh. Brian Redband. They always fail safe. Yo, I think it's funny you put a digital dick on your neck. You're right.

I just got AT&T bagged. See? That's what can happen when we focus on the comedy on the show. Jokes like that. IT mobile dick, actually. Nope, mine was better. Maybe.

Brian, you better sprint out of here. So that we can cannot hear you now. I'm sorry for giving you cricket. I love that. There you go. Very good. You've redeemed yourself. Every time. Every time he redeems himself somehow. When I least expect it.

Vanessa. It's so fucking hard to write and perform a new minute every single week you went for it this week with this dick pics thing initial impressions guys Ian Edwards Dom Irera I just liked her ending when she went oh you guys

and turned around I would love to give up like that in the middle of a set somewhere you know performing in Australia somewhere and they don't laugh at something. Oh, you guys. I've seen her before, though. I know she can write.

What? I've seen her before. I know she can write. I know that her stage presence has gotten better. You know? I mean, what the fuck? It's a minute. Yeah, it's a tough one.

It is a tough one. And tonight's especially hard, a minute. Yeah, it's a tough one. It is a tough one. And tonight's especially hard because it's like when you're trying to write. Guys, oh, Jesus, Brian. It's really on a roll here tonight. I just sent her my dick pic, so she now can't tell that joke anymore. Well, make verbal jokes on a live podcast, Brian, so that we all know what's going on. Wow, act outs on a live podcast, ladies and gentlemen,

from the founder of the Death Squad. Here he is. That's why you have to watch the video version live on Ustream and Periscope. Exactly. So for the hundreds of thousands of you that listen to the audio version and not the video version, you know exactly what's going on right now. Because Big Daddy is here with you, guiding you along all the way verbally. All right.

Can I say one other thing about this business? She's so fucking pretty that if she gets two minutes, she could have a series. You know what I mean? So it's so unpredictable, but it doesn't hurt to have that mug. All due respect. Thank you. How old are you? 24. Well, too old for me, but so what?

I think it's a huge disadvantage probably going in as good looking as you are. I think women hate you from the get and men are like, I'll send her a dick pic. You know what I mean? Tony, I feel the same way about my body.

Men envy this body and women just want to jump on it. His other nipple just fell off. on it, you know? Yeah. His other nipple just fell off. Okay, Red Band, I see you. Ian, anything else? Dom, anything else? How long you been doing it?

It was a year as of last week. Yeah, it was last week. I mean, it's a minute. Just keep writing. I can't bash you. Exactly. Just keep doing it. It's the grind.

I do love, even though it's risky, I do love that you're sort of taking that chance. I know what you were sort of saying about the Jews to Florida dicks on your face. What did you mean by that? It's like a beacon. My face should attract so many dicks.

Like bugs to a light. I also still think that you should be more on it with that. For example, I don't even think beacon's the thing that it would be. I don't think a beacon draws Jews to Florida. I think you need to flesh it out a little bit more. Yeah, I thought a beacon was a dog.

Oh, my God. But you get it. Another new minute from Vanessa Johnston, everybody. There she goes. That Vanessa Johnston, that Melissa Esslinger. They're the two regulars on the show. This is a live one tonight, ladies and gentlemen. I should have known when Dom Irera came out dressed like John Lovitz

that tonight was going to get crazy. Don't tell him I made that joke about him, guys. What joke? Where are we? I pulled another name out of the bucket, you lucky motherfuckers. Put your hands together for Steve Breeze. Here we go. Yeah.

And I have pulled another name out of the bucket, and that name is Katrina Davis. Put your hands together for Katrina Davis. Hi, guys. I think that dating really mean people has a certain place in relationships because it desensitizes you to normal people.

Like, I was talking to this guy the other week and he was like, oh, sometimes I'm really bad at texting people back and it's been problems in my past relationships. And all I could think is, yeah, but how many people have you threatened to set on fire? I have a black Honda and there's this guy in my apartment

that has the same car as me, but his is way nicer and like it's clean all the time. And I hate it because every day I go to work, there's like this visual representation in my parking lot that are people like me, but they do a little better because they try a little bit harder. But it doesn't make me want to do any better. Like I just wish that asshole would move. Fuck. Oh, my dad has a gold tooth and in high school everyone thought that was really cool but gold teeth were just the shit in the 70s like everybody in my family has gold teeth so I feel like in like 10 years like two dudes will be

playing video games at their friend's house and the mom will bend over and have a tramp stamp and the other kid will just be like, dude, your mom's a G. There she is, everybody. Ann Edwards. Ann Edwards, everyone. No, that was okay. That didn't hit at all. Ann Edwards.

Katrina Davis. I'm just kidding. You thought... No, that was terrible, Tony. That was so bad. It was unbelievable. Whoa, chase to your own medicine, Mr. Hinchcliffe. Thank you, Jeremiah.

And by the looks of your body, you're going to need a whole different medicine in a few years. Diabetes medication. Or maybe a stretcher like that joke. Oh, you son of a bitch. You got me. Speaking of stretches, how does that rib cage do on Jeremiah?

It's about to go down, people! That's really gonna leave a stretch mark. Alright, Katrina Davis. At least I'll leave a mark on something. Alright. Katrina, what the fuck is up? Is is your first time on the show.

No, only second, though. Really? Yeah. How long ago was that? Like November, like last year. Okay. Yeah. You're fun.

You have an interesting likability. Yeah. Yeah, she does. Extremely. Like, you could be a star at any given point. What do you do for work? I write copy, like, emails and do social media and stuff.

For who? For makeup. Like a beauty line. Oh, so you mislead kids. Sounds like you're sort of beating around the bush. Like, maybe it's Maybelline? No, no, no. Man! You go, Golden Party.

I got one in. Is that joke going to need a stretcher to you, son of a bitch? It is so intense. Katrina, how long have you lived in Los Angeles? Since October. Since October. I was just about to guess six months. Because my prediction about you, how long have you been on stand-up like a little like a year and a

half year and a half what else acting improv anything like that anything else at all singing instruments i sang the theme song to sea lab once as a joke but that's the theme song to sea lab yeah like fucking nobody knows what i'm talking about sea labs 2021 it's this this show that came on adult swim it's fucking awesome south philadelphia born and raised a different one different one i think guys uh they only had three channels growing up those two um so you've been out here since October. That's fun. And where from? Jacksonville, Florida. Jacksonville, Florida. Wow.

Yeah, it's kind of shitty. It's okay. Yeah. Talk about white trash. One of my favorite things about Dom ever since he's one of the guests that comes on the show the most, every once in a while he'll make the best jokes, but he just leaves the microphone on the table. It's just me and Ian up here

laughing about it. I enjoyed it. That's amazing. So you make enough money to survive in Los Angeles doing social media for a makeup line. Yeah. That's so cool. It's why I moved out here.

Do you do a lot of spots at night? Like, how serious about stand-up are you? I basically, like, as much as I can and not get fired. How much is as much as you can? How many times a week? Four. Like, last week I did Brokeout and got up, like, four times before the weekend, and I was, like, happy about that.

But I don't, like, like, I never, like, make it in time for potluck. Like, I just make it for this, so. Yeah. Yeah, you got to step up your game. You got likability, so you should use it. Totally, and you need people to see you because you're unforgettable. So you just keep... You just confused it with me.

You totally forgot me. I was the unforgettable. Yeah, you got to keep rocking it. That's interesting stuff. You have that weird... You have the energy of someone that's definitely gonna make it I like when you lost your place and well fuck yeah right back to it it was like it was so real I make you keep that somewhere in the back of your head that

you can be like that sometime okay because the crowds with you when you know you're vulnerable and human and stutter like I'm doing. You got here in October. How do you like living in Los Angeles? What's different than Jacksonville? Fucking everything. Everyone's super nice. I like being able to walk places.

Shut the fuck up. It is. People are really nice. I'm kidding you. What part of town do you live in? Where do you live? Huh? Where do you live?

Oh, Westwood? Westwood. That figures. Yeah, you said it like you're still not sure of the name of the city. Westwood? Yeah, I don't know where anything is. Westwood adjacent, Koreatown? There's a lot of Persian people.

That's everywhere. Wow. Someone lives in Westwood over there. My best friend is a Persian lady that doesn't speak English, and we just like communicate through. That's your best friend? In my apartment complex. She's 90. She's pretty cool.

She brings me food. Really? Yeah. Zari's the shit, man. Her name is Zara. She's so old. What do you guys talk about? I hang out with her family.

Like her family comes over, and they, like, translate for us, and I, like, leave, like, we leave notes. Like, she'll leave me, like, food and just say, God bless you, Zari. And, like, it says, like, and I'm like, I love her. Wow. That's something else. Katrina, what's, like, your big goal?

Like, just to be a full-time stand-up comedian and make specials and stuff? Or what is it for you? I like writing. Writing. But I like, i don't know i like like i get excited if i like get on my like flyers for mics yeah i get pretty amped about that that's where i'm at right now i think you have a little bit too much i think you have too good of

a firecracker personality to be stuck in a writer's room so my some advice along that line would be like write for yourself and think of some crazy show that you could host or something like that. Think crazy because people like you can get it done. Right, Ian? Yeah. Put your hands together for Katrina Davis, ladies and gentlemen. There she goes.

Do you guys want one last one or do we end this show? All right. Do you guys want one last one or do we end this show? Oh yeah! You motherfuckers. Guys popped so hard you would have thought I asked who knows the turtle from Rocco's Modern Life.

This is fun. I'm glad I did this because this is definitely a new name and there's a lot written down here. I'm just going to say what's on the line that says name. Put your hands together for Sid Williams, everybody. Hello. Hey. Hey.

Thanks, guys. How are you? Fuck it. I only got a minute. So. Thanks, guys. How are you? Fuck it. Only got a minute. So, I sweat a lot. I was at the gym and a Japanese lady ran away from me. It's a tsunami joke. Just let it wash over you. It's fine. You'll get it.

When I pee, I like to push extra hard to let everybody know I swing dong. I came up with my porn alias name. It's Jizz Khalifa. I feel like it wouldn't be too hard to fuck a Scientologist. You can probably tell them anything. They'll believe it. I think it's weird that we call our significant others baby. You know, hey baby, I love you baby.

How are you baby? I'm going to promote my girlfriend from baby to child. Hey child. Let me see those titties, child. Suck that dick, child. Waiting for a cat. Let's go. Let's go.

When I go down on my girlfriend, I turn into the Tasmanian devil. All right. There you go. Sid Williams. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Hey, nice to meet you guys.

That's fun. Fuck yeah. Hi, Sid. How's it going? Hey, I'm good. How are you? You haven't been on the show before, right? Never, ever.

Where are you from? You look like a cartoon. Texas. Texas. Yeah. How long have you been in Los Angeles? I hate that that got such a big laugh. Yeah, I...

I really hate that. I bet you do, dude. I was like, I don't really... and then they all laughed. No, you really do. Your face looks like a banana split or something like that. Like there's something really weird. There's something really weird going on. You look like a cross between Kid and Play and Bart Simpson or something

like that. It looks like somebody put your head in a vice and then squoze it from the sides and it sort of got elongated. It looks like you may be closely related to

Scotty Pippen or something like that. Perhaps. Don't get bummed out, Sid. Come on. Why the long face, Sid? I'll slow down if you guys want me to. I got heated up last night. I roasted

the shit out of somebody in this room last night and I've just been having fun with it ever since. Reminded me of my roots, and Sid, let's face it, you've set me up very easily with this. So, one-liners. You're the first comedian that I think I've ever seen go to the notepad twice in, I glanced, under 30 seconds. It's 60 seconds. You went back one more time. So you average a notepad look once every 20 seconds. When you do longer sets, do you always do that? Or are you doing new stuff? New stuff for the most part.

How long have you been in stand-up? On and off, mostly off, two and a half, three years. Mostly off. Why mostly off? What do you got going on? No excuse, really. Just, I just, like, I would just. Yo, I'm lazy. What up? Yeah, I would get, I just, like... Yo, I'm lazy.

What up? Yeah, I would get... I don't know. I would discourage myself. Don't ever do that in L.A. You never say nothing. You go, I got a lot of irons in the fire. I don't want to jinx them.

Yeah. Yeah. That's what you do. Web series is coming. I don't want to talk about it. You know. Yeah. So, what have you been doing?

What do you do for work? I Uber now. You Uber? Oh, my God. It's the new waiting tables. What kind of car are you driving? Nissan Sentra. What year?

06. 06? Damn. Damn. I would have loved to have been on that one. Party. How long have you been Ubering for? Three months.

Have you ever heard anybody get in the back seat of your car and it's a couple and you hear one of them whispering to the other so you're like, I don't know, this guy's eyes are really close together. I don't know. This is a safe ride. Has anybody ever done that? Johnny Carson. Only once.

What did you do before Uber driving three months ago? I bartended for almost eight years. Wow. Where at? The last place was Dave and Buster's Hollywood. Damn. That's a rough place to be a bartender. Don't work there.

So where were you born and raised? Texas. I love that you told everybody not to work at Dave and Buster's. Don't do it. I could just imagine his apartment's all decorated by everything you could buy with the tokens or the tickets. Like, this is my Bud Light sign.

A giant Pikachu and a kazoo. You know he's probably really good at darts or something like that because it's just one singular focus. He can put his eyes together and just really let it rip. If you had to pick your favorite... Damn.

I'm hoping he's incorrect. I love that the jokes aren't affecting him at all. It is your guys' reaction to it that is crushing his soul. It's like he doesn't even hear the jokes. He's like, are you guys fucking kidding me? Like nobody's ever told you before about what's going on up there? Literally never, no. Never?

Never ever. You mean like, let me ask you something. Are you on Tinder? No. Because you seem like you could set a record on that or something like that.

For nos? I get the, all right. Sid, tell us something cool about you. After all that. For nose? I get the... Alright. Sid, tell us something cool about you. After all that. Yeah. Yeah, let me sell myself. Where are you from again? Texas. What part of Texas?

Fort Worth, Texas. Fort Worth, Texas. Fuck yeah. What's your favorite category of porn? POV. Yeah, I bet. Were you Yeah. What's your favorite category of porn? POV. Yeah. I bet. You're used to that. There's a peach in the middle of the body.

You're used to that steady cam on top of your neck, so. Any porn you watch is POV. Oh, man. Sid, tell us something cool about yourself. God. I'm learning Kung Fu. You're learning Kung Fu? Holy shit.

How long? Stop making fun of you right now. Five months. Five months? Yeah, so I'm pretty early in. I'm going to stop making fun of you because I feel like you could kick me in the head so hard I'll end up looking like you afterwards.

because I feel like you could kick me in the head so hard I'll end up looking like you afterwards. Sid, how's it going with the ladies? Maybe that's what happened to them. You guys. Sid, you might be the most fun person to roast that I've ever roasted in nine years. You don't realize you're playing into it by doing this WWE heel thing you're doing.

Just like, oh, are you fucking kidding me? Don't you realize who I am? So funny. He's got animal eyes. We need to get the Comedy Central roast of Sid Williams. You're going to be the first person to make his debut as the guest of honor at a roast. Comedy Central,

you've got to get on this shit. They love listening to me for advice. Sid, coolest thing about you other than you're doing kung fu? You ever jump out of an airplane or something like that? Off a building? You ever get your head crushed by a semi truck? Answer the question I'm going to keep going

You wear sweatpants out That's cool That takes confidence Tuxedo sweatpants Don't forget the stripe So gentlemen sweatpants, Tony. Don't forget the stripe. So, gentlemen's sweatpants. Yo, hit him back, Sid. Hit him back.

Hit him back, Sid. Clearly you have to go fill in for Preacher's shift at LA Fitness after this. By the way, Tony is wearing a rain jacket on the hottest day of the year. I know. 113. Thank you. Thank you, naked, gross human. Oh, we going raw?

We going raw? See, Sid, I do it to everybody. What do your parents do in Texas? What nationality, what ethnicity are you? Do you want to guess? I can't even imagine. I would guess 5% of everything. You know his name's Sid.

That means when he looks in the mirror, it's diss. Dear God. When you look back on tonight's episode, because I am going to make you listen to it. This is one of those parts that I want you to focus on. Like Red Band,

like, why did I say this? There you go. It's actually dick because my name starts with a C, so it's dick. It's true. Little known fact. Hey, get him, Sid. What ethnicity are you, Sid?

I'm half Caucasian and half Puerto Rican. Half what? Puerto Rican. Half Caucasian, half Puerto Rican. Aye, aye, aye. He's got two aye, aye, ayes. Very close to one another. Look at him, Sid.

Sid, look at him. This is the best part. I want you to look at him. Look at how, Sid. This is the best part. I want you to look at him. Look at how this guy laughs. I feel like we're looking at an actual television reaction shot with these two tables right here just dying.

Look at that. You're going to be the first ski mask comedian. I'm just going to wear a ski mask on stage. I love it. For your approval. No, no. Don't do that. That'd be way too Puerto Rican of you, Sid. Dude, even in comedy. I think you're fine. You're just not Tony's type.

Tony doing one of the many voices he can do. Oh, thank you. Sid, what does your dad do for work in Texas? Is he the Puerto Rican or the Caucasian? He's the Caucasian. Oh, shit. Yeah. What does he do?

He used to be a restaurant manager, and now he does code compliance for the city, and he has a landscaping business, so he mows lawns for businesses and stuff. Oh, that's cool. It's all right. I mean, it's all right. Excuse me. I got to go hang myself. It's weird that your dad mows lawns and not your mom.

Oh, because she's Puerto Rican. What happened to this show? It got so mean. It's so fun. Now, Sid's new in town, right, Sid? Three years. Three years in Los Angeles. How many times have you come

to the Comedy Store before? I've come a lot of times, but never performed. Tonight was my first time performing in the original room with the open mic. And your first time on Kill Tony. So this is it.

How'd the original room go for you? Thank you. Yeah, Sid, they liked it. Even though I hate all of you, I appreciate you at the same time. It went okay. There was like 12 people that came to actually see comedy, and there was like 30 comedians. So I had the 12 people kind of on my side.

So my friend said I bombed, but I thought I did okay. But I've done better. I've done better, definitely. I've done better. My delivery was kind of off. Huh, interesting. Well, Sid, I mean... My friend Bill Burr said I kind of tanked it, but...

What are you going to do after this tonight? Probably just go home and chill. Other than try to squeeze your head as hard as you can from the top of the wall. Try to even it out. I have a really tall brain, so it works out. I love that. You really do, Sid. Thank you.

Do you perform a lot? Do you get up a lot at night? Do you Uber during the day and try you get up a lot at night? Do you Uber during the day and try to do stand-up at night? How hard are you going at this? Because you're the one that said off and on for two and a half years. Why do you think you're going off? Was it because of the bartending? No, I've been on since I quit my bartending job.

Yeah, because I was having to work five nights a week. But now I can Uber before stand-up, Uber after stand-up. When you're doing Uber, do you do what you do on stage and like look at a paper map every 20 seconds like just hold on one second i have to go back old school style triptych all right well i feel like there's something that we didn't quite cover i feel like there's more with you sid but i don't know exactly what it is. I don't know what the fucking question I'm missing. What is the love life situation?

What's it like for a guy with an 06 Nissan Sentra? His face every time people laugh. It's amazing. He's great. He'd make a great sidekick. Do you know how to do sound effects and upload podcasts? Oh, shit. What's your love life like?

Last time you went on a date, what was that like? I have a girlfriend, so we kind of do stuff all the time. Oh, that's cool. What kind of stuff? Sex stuff. Oh, that's cool. What kind of stuff? Sex stuff. Oh, yeah. That's why you've been on and off in comedy. You've been busy with the girl.

No, I've been on the last three months, at least a few times a week. How long have you been with her? Six months. Oh. Yeah. Interesting. Did you meet her at Dave and Buster's? Yeah.

Oh, my God. You got her drunk at Dave and Buster's the first time you met her? Please tell me she's over 13. Yeah. She's like, I could give you a lot with these tickets, lady. I gave her my kazoo. Whoa, and then you Dave & Busted a load? Oh, wow.

That's good. Yeah, I would have thought about it for another 10 seconds. It got in the punchline just right. But you thought of it, and you rushed to it, and I like that. I know how that... I drink a lot of punch. Craziest thing you ever saw at Dave & Buster's? I mean, eight years at fucking Dave & Buster's.

That sounds... No, eight years bartending, only like a year and a half at Dave & Buster's. Yeah. Craziest thing, I saw my manager kick a guy in the chest. It was so fucking intense. Those Dance Dance Revolution games get crazy once in a while.

All of a sudden. What happened? Just some guys were starting a fight and security jumped in and it was kind of an even match. Out of nowhere, my manager came in and just like, and just kicked the guy in the chest, and he went to the ground. It was so intense because he was a big, fat dude.

Did you ever get involved? He started with a chest kick. That's so stylish. Yeah, it really is. That's some good kung fu. Have you ever gotten into a fight and head-butted somebody and split them into two? It's my finish line.

Retarded. These are all jokes, by the the way that would work on me If anybody was smart enough to ever do them Write them down haters I have a long face too I know I was kind of like Son of a bitch how dare you respond like that

I didn't notice until the response Tony do you know how I feel like He's responding to these jokes He was voted prom king, but then everybody just turned on him right after they voted for him. And you're like, how do you guys like me? I feel like whatever you were just describing with that joke happened to you during that joke.

Sid, welcome to the Comedy Store. Congratulations. Take tonight as a fun new beginning. You got lucky as fuck. You got up in both rooms, got your balls busted. You had fun. Oh, I see what you're doing. You want advice from the actual pros. He's pointing to Dom and Ian. Guys, what do you have for Sid? What you got, Dom? I just got to ask you,

how much do Uber drivers make? How do they make money if they don't get tipped? It can't be a lot. I mean... No, I make $20 to $30 an hour minimum. What? That's pretty good. $20,000 an hour is pretty good.

$20 to $30 an hour minimum. Oh. Did I say... Sorry, my bad. No, $20 to $30 an hour at least. Sometimes it's more with a good ride and a good surge. At least means minimum. Anybody ever tip you?

Why don't you turn around and just kick those motherfuckers in the face? Right in the chest. In the beer chest. Wouldn't you love to see him go all Kung Fu in a fucking panel? Yeah. Oh! Pat and Jeremiah are ready for it. My car's too old to drive Uber.

You could drive Postmates. What's that? It's where you just drive food to people's houses. Yeah. You get more tips than normal. According to Tony, I'd probably eat the food on the way there. Yeah, that's true. Okay.

I've run out of energy. How about you guys? Just comedy wise keep doing it. Now you're on for three months. Focus and just keep doing it and see what happens. You tell everybody that. Why don't you just fucking quit?

Quit now. Don't cause yourself any more pain. No, I'm not saying that to you. I don't want to fuck with pain no I'm not saying that to you I don't want to fuck with you I'm just saying that as a joke in general I got it yeah Sid you know have fun with it man you know enjoy the process and

you know pretend like that first two and a half whatever the fuck that on and off thing is I wouldn't answer that question that way anymore not only because it's misleading because you didn't do that many spots in two and a half years but I also think that it fucks people up mentally

considering that doing stand-up comedy. It's a fucking, you know, it's a full-time like every night or like every other night at the minimum type of gig. So I would say from now on, just say that you've only been doing it three months and roll with that and it'll be a fresher start for you you won't have that old shit pressure behind you

does that make sense? there you go there's animals out here they're getting on stage every night they're animals and you're one of them clearly you have the head of a parrot you are one of them. Clearly, you have the head of a parrot, so...

You are one of those animals. Sid Williams, ladies and gentlemen. You met him here on Kill Tony. There he goes. Yeah. There he goes. Fuck yeah, Sid. Sid is on Twitter.

He's at SidWithAC on Twitter. He's also on Instagram. Normally, I wouldn't say people's Instagrams, but I'm going to give his out. Sid with AC. No. Alright. AC, AC, goddammit, AC.

Alright, I shouldn't have read it. Wow, look at that. That's insane because I just made a joke about a headbutt splitting somebody in half. Little did I know that Ryan J split me in half with a cast in between. Ryan J splitting somebody in half. Little did I know that Ryan J. split me in half with a cast in between. Ryan J. Ebeld's drawing ladies and gentlemen. Ryan J. Ebeld is the creator of the official

Kill Tony poster which is available for sale on the front patio with Ryan J. Ebeld after the show. Go straight up to him for that. Ian Edwards, Dom Irera. Anything you guys want to promote or anything like that coming up to the people listening to the podcast? Yeah, I've got a show in Montreal coming up in July.

I'm in Denver the week before that at Denver Comedy Works. Great. But to Montreal, if you're Esquivaux Couverture Francais? Anyway, I have an ethnic show and a TV show in Montreal. That is so fun. For the festival? Yeah. That's going to be

a blast. Denver Comedy Works, Matt Dommerer, Twitter, my tweeter, twit, twit, whatever the fuck it is. And that's it.

Ian Edwards. Just follow me on Twitter at Ian Edwards Comic and website ianedwardscomedian.com. It's got shows there. Just everything. Oh, I also have a podcast

that these motherfuckers have been on. That's right. Listen to Dom Irera's podcast live at the Laugh Factory with Dom Irera. By the way, thank you so much for being such a great crowd and so fucking miserable out today. Thanks for coming out. Yeah, we really did do something crazy today. I mean, it is literally, I was in the valley all day shooting a movie. No big deal.

And it was 105 fucking degrees out there for a continuous 12 hours. It was insane. Reagan and Watkins dressed for the occasion. Yeah. At Jeremiah's stand up on Twitter and Instagram at Patty Reagan and Joel Jimenez is at mostly sorry. Yes. Yes. I want to start saying that.

That was a note that I had for myself. I'm mostly sorry. We love Joel Jimenez Reagan and Watkins Check out all their stuff Check out Pat Reagan and Jeremiah Watkins on everything Yeah Reaganandwatkins.com

Jeremiahwatkins.tv Shirtlesspigs.org Brian Redman Josh Martin Comics Jamie Vernon in the back Check out his website, he has a really sweet poster for sale Hey, I'm doing Seattle, I'm headlining Seattle

This upcoming weekend Right now, the Parlor Live in Seattle And featuring for me For his very first time featuring On the road all weekend The one and only Josh Martin Comics Ladies and gentlemen One of the silent killers here at the store.

One of the funniest fucking people. And a guy who's paid his dues for years. One of our favorite people. That's tonight's show, Red Band. We did it. Live audience, thank you so much. Have a great night, everybody. We're going to the party. the best way he knows how. Another party laying cold in the car to listen to me. Don't go chasing walls.

You're gonna have it your way or nothing at all. But I take your moment too fast I love you. you you you