KILL TONY - KILL TONY #164

Episode Date: July 19, 2016

Pat Regan, Jeremiah Watkins, Josh Martin, Melissa Eslinger, Joel Jimenez, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 07/04/2016 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, Redman here. This is Death Squad, and you're listening to Kill Tony. What's going on? Guys, don't forget to go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. That's where he has all his merchandise, his tour dates, including Cleveland, Ohio, La Jolla, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Sacramento, Boston, Buffalo. Check it out. TonyHinchcliffe.com. Also, don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Search the iTunes store for Kill Tony. Hit subscribe, and don't forget to rate and review the show. Also, if you want to subscribe to Death Squad, there you have all the podcasts we do here at DeathSquad.tv, including Verbal Violence, What Brian Redbandband do ice house chronicles, and a bunch

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Duh, obviously. Click on Tour Dates. There you can find all the different live shows we do here. Not only do we do Kill Tony live from the Comedy Store every Monday at 8 o'clock, we also have Verbal Violence, which is the podcast of the very popular Roast Battle, which is now on Comedy Central, coming very soon to Comedy Central, so watch it.

But also it's there every Tuesday at the Comedy Store. And then every first and third Friday, Death Squad Comedy Show at the Ice House in Pasadena, California. That's always a great time. A bunch of comics, trying to test out always a great time. Bunch of comics. Trying to test out new material and stuff. Check it out. You can just go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates.

And don't forget, if you want to watch any of the video portions to any of the podcasts we do here at Death Squad, just go to Death Squad and click on Videos. There you have all the live shows and all the different podcasts. Video portions that we do. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Greg VanCamp. Coming to you live from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of

Kill Tony by and for Kill Tony Oscar! Hi everybody, hello, wow, look at this one of our biggest turnouts wow, how fun July 4th, ladies and gentlemen and we're celebrating comedy live how fucking awesome is this

a lot of people blew it out. Don't have any energy left. Half capacity. Welcome, everybody. Hi, everyone. This is exciting. Happy July 4th. Yes, there you go. Start a USA chant. Maybe one of the 14 people in the room will continue it. Hi, Brian Redband. It's Brian Redband, everybody. Come on. We're live, everyone. Happy 4th. Fuck yeah. We had a lot of fun last night. We went to go see Chicago at the Hollywood Bowl.

We saw Chicago at the Hollywood Bowl. That's a great place, man. We started a wave up. Don Barris, we were at one side of this place. We actually got it halfway through the whole entire place. Yeah, I started a thing. I guided Don to begin it. But I became obsessed with us starting a wave.

I've never seen the beginning of one. That's what's amazing is starting the wave is the best thing. And it was my first time. I don't know what in my gut made me do it. But I'm like, Don, when I say go, stand up. And everybody and I like yell. I'm like, you guys are either in or you're out. And everybody's like, what's this guy so confident about?

We just started doing like, whoa. And it would go a little bit farther. And those people would be like, what are those guys? You'd hear the roar. Whoa. And then it would skip. Like people would just stop. But then like way down.

But you'd see people like way down. Like, oh, they're starting to wave over there. Let's wait like it made it. It was great. It was like one of those really cool moments, you know, just controlling thousands of people's minds all at once. Anyway, so yeah, that was a fun highlight. You're right.

Making that wave yesterday was fun. It was neat. Welcome to the show, everybody. Let's have some fun. Ryan J. E. Belt, the house artist, is right here. He's going to draw tonight's episode. He draws every single episode. Amazing artist.

What you see tonight, you're going to see on a piece of paper at the very end of the night. You're going to see that the episode was somehow captured by this amazing fucking artist. All of his prints are at ryanjabel.com. Back on the HD camera for the people that watch this show in its finest glory. Jamie Vernon, ladies and gentlemen. The great

young Jamie. Youngjamie.com. Here we are, Brian. Dates coming up cleveland tulsa san francisco sacramento san diego and boston's wilbur theater if you're living any of those places i'm coming you really soon like cleveland uh next weekend not this weekend but next week cleveland yeah going back i'm going that's my first time like headlining ohio by myself it's pretty weird so that's strange took a while to get. Took a while to get there. Took a while to get where it all started.

You know what I mean, guys? I'm from Ohio. For those of you that don't know that, which is everybody. So let's do this, shall we? Every single week we have the coolest band in the world and they're live every week. And I'm excited to see their July 4th edition.

Here they are are ladies and gentlemen Reagan Watkins and Joel Jimenez oh my god Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah!

Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah! Wow, very July 4th intro from Reagan and Watkins. That burned my arm the entire way up.

A complete fire hazard for those of you listening to the podcast. We are, by the way, the number one live podcast in the world. I forgot to mention that. You're here. Welcome. If this is your first time, feel free to let it rip. Guys, that was one of my favorite intros ever. A very July 4th edition.

Very great white. For those of you listening to the podcast, yeah. Yeah. Very good. You guys, for those of you listening to the podcast, they came up with sparklers that

obviously went out right after they lit them. They were just four smoky sticks being waved in the air. And now the room has the distinct smell of cheapest possible Chinese fireworks. Welcome to America, bro. What kind of 99-cent store where you get sparklers where they just fizzle down like a hot fuse? Just... I mean, I literally watched them.

They went out at the top of the stairs. Right after you right after you let them they just burned down yeah where'd you guys get those I got them from a party that I was had earlier today fuck yeah Jeremiah going to parties uh Reagan and Watkins everybody here they are I'm so excited you guys are here. This is the part where every episode I bring out tonight's guests. And this week I decided to do something super fun. It's always two of the funniest, best comedians in the world as our guests. And this is a very special episode.

Because in this bare skeleton edition of Kill Tony, our two guests are Reagan and Watkins ladies and gentlemen. Yes. This is the first time ever in Kill Tony's history where we are going bare bones.

OMG. Feel free to do whatever you want. You can be over here. You can go over there. Tonight Kill Tony celebrates its independence. What is happening? We don't need guests

bitches. It's so funny. We're just going to do it ourselves. Feel free to move around, do whatever you want. This feels good. If you want to throw one of those mics on Joel, Joel Jimenez, ladies and gentlemen, on the percussion.

This is fun. I have a sunburn, and then I just burnt my arms with the sparkler, so I'm not doing good right now. Second degree burns on Jeremiah. This is exciting. By the way, I spregree Burns on Jeremiah. So this is exciting. By the way, I sprung it on Reagan and Watkins, everybody. So put your hands together one more time.

You said you had a surprise for us. Yeah, I told them I had a surprise for them. Happy Fourth of July, guys. Welcome to the show. Thank you very much, Tony. Thank you. How excited are you guys that tonight's guests are Reagan and Watkins?

I'm hearing the murmurs from the comedians. And it is lovely. So you guys ready to rock or what? There's so many emotions going through me right now. And I mean, you guys can do whatever you want at any point.

Make it your own thing. If you want to play instruments, if you want to do whatever. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I like that. Brian, what do you think about this? How do you feel about bringing Reagan and Watkins this close to the monster? It's great. I really can't wait to see those two people on the message board that hate.

Yeah. Just like it's their worst day ever. By the way, I don't know if you guys all know this. just like it's their worst day ever by the way i don't know if you guys all know this some there's a guy out there that hates pat reagan so much that he started a uh a literal literally a petition with the federal government that requires a hundred thousand signatures for like a major thing and the major thing that he submitted was remove pat reagan from kill tony the podcast and by the way if i clicked on it because i'm like you got to be fucking kidding me i think i actually clicked on it twice like i didn't sign the petition but like i couldn't help like i was like was that fucking real

and there was only one signature on the petition and of course it was the guy that started it and tweeted about it but he started a federal petition so he's losing his fucking mind right now in just furious anger. He's writing some blog. I've listened to every episode since it was the Iron Patriot. Here you are, Pat. Hey, Pat, how does it feel to be hated more than the Iron Patriot?

Pat, you want to pull a name out of the bucket and say it? Oh, guys, by the way, comedians, you know how it works. You get 60 seconds, everybody. We watch a comedian do 60 seconds, and then all of a sudden, they're just guests on a podcast with us. We can talk about anything in the world. Usually find out more about them, cool stuff, anything, maybe stuff they could talk about in their stand-up, maybe not.

Comedians, you know your time is up, your 60 seconds when you hear the sound of a kitty. Oh, wow. You can really not hear that more than almost ever before. All the audio seems a little low. Let's hear it one more time. The sound of a kitty. There you go. Gets you a little bit every time.

And wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There you go. There you go. Okie dokie. Wow. Brian Redband showing how loud and good the sound can be once in a great while. Is that you on the guitar?

Wow. Very good, Brian. Really filling in for Pat. Look at that you on the guitar? Wow, very good, Brian. Really filling in for Pat. Look at that, picking up the extra slack. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Let's do it. Pat, pull a name out of the bucket and read it. All right, the first name out of the bucket to do 60 seconds of stand-up is Johanna Petrie.

Hey. So, uh, last time I came on here, I, uh, might have given some people the wrong impression, because I was talking about big black cocks that I only want a big dick which is not true because

three inches is enough for me thank you as long as it vibrates I love my vibrator I do I would marry it if it had a bank account seriously I love my vibrator. I do. I would marry it. If it had a bank account.

Seriously, I would take that thing with me everywhere. I'd be swiping it. We'd be having a great time shopping, dinners, vacations. Take it home, have a little orgasm, tuck it in bed, cuddle it all night. Right? I'm joking. I wouldn't cuddle it. I'd throw it in a box with the other dildos and let them fight it out.

Yeah. Yo, you think you're cool because you got a debit card? You're three inches long. Oh, shit. Johanna Petrie, right? Fuck yeah yeah Johanna what was that what happened last time you were on what did you just talk about

Lexington Steel oh you had had sex with Lexington Steel that's right at a group sex party and he said something that was over the line oh that's right he was having sex with you and what was it again that he said?

White bitch. Oh, that's the line right there. That's the line. Everybody knows when you're getting fucked by the actual Lexington Steel. The moment where you know this is going too far. I like how we're still getting

more juice out of her other set than this. Yeah, totally. Totally. I think we can all collectively say red, white, and boo. You know what I'm saying? Fuck yeah. There is something about the American flag bandana around your neck, by the way, that makes me feel like if you untied it, your head would just roll off.

It might. You ever see that one ghost story where there's something like that? That one haunted book? Scary stories? There's a lot of American stuff going on up here. Heck yeah, it is. Anyway, yeah, I love your style, Jeremiah. When all else fails, just dress like a Best Buy employee.

Thank you so much, Tony. You look like fails, just dress like a Best Buy employee. Thank you so much. You look like you served ice cream today or something. So, Johanna, what did you do today on the 4th of July? How did you spend your day? I had a meeting this morning. Oh, a meeting. How do you spell meet? You know what I mean?

Was it another Lexington Steel meeting? You know what I mean? No, it was a business meeting. They want me to sell this device. They? Well, this guy I know wants me to sell this medical device. It's like a thing called a TENS unit that gives you a shock. It's to reduce pain.

But I heard you can also use it in S&M dungeon situations. Oh, you heard that? Yeah. Wow. also use it in S&M dungeon situations. Oh, you heard that? Yeah. It's like max for the electrocuting sensation play. It's like the max level. I guess. What is that? It's Pat Reagan.

No, it's not. Anyway, Johanna, tell us something about you other than the fact that... What else is interesting other than the fact that you've had sex with Lexington Steel? Well, that's about it. That was the most interesting. That was the highlight.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Like four years. Actually, yeah, I just passed my four-year anniversary of stand-up. Fuck yeah. Thank you. And I specialize in dirty jokes. I did a show about a month ago at Flappers

and there was a 10-year-old kid in the front row for some reason. That was weird. And when you say flappers, you're talking about your pussy, right? Come on, she had sex with Lexington Steel. If you're ever going to say a girl has a flappy pussy, now is the time. Trust me.

Flappers, huh? I bet. I bet her favorite Robin Williams movie is Flubber. Flubber. Flubber. There you go. Thank you, Joel. I tried to recycle a joke from a different show, and it didn't work, guys. The Flubber reference.

I did a show for super fans of the movie Flubber. Johanna, how do you make your money? You're obviously not selling any of these devices. No, I'm not selling any of these devices. No, I'm not selling devices. I have lots of meetings. I can't talk about my money. You can't talk about your money? Yeah, secret sources of money.

Do you always laugh like the Crypt Keeper when you talk about it? Maybe. I don't know. Are you like a concubine for Sumner Redstone? I wish. That would be very rich. Viacom, right? Yeah.

I can imagine him having a concubine. That would be a good one. So have you ever been with a man just for his money? Yeah. I think we're starting to find out the secret. Yeah. We're getting there, huh? That's what my joke was about.

Basically, if you have the choice, if the dildos are fighting and you have the little one with money or the big dick, you're gonna go for the money. Oh, I didn't get that at all. Somehow it failed harder the second time. Sorry.

Johanna. Interesting. How long have you been with this guy? No, I don't have any guy now. But I have had guys in the past. Right. Yeah. I have had guys in the past.

Do you really have a box of dildos or are you exaggerating? I do have a box of different types of sex toys. Wow. Box of cocks? Box of cocks. Classic. That's what Pat calls it, the old box of cocks. Yeah.

What else is in this box? The most interesting item, I guess, would be a pussy pump, which I saw in a movie a couple times where it pumps up the pussy to make it bigger. Yeah, I think I saw that movie too. What is that? Right? What was that one? Fast and the Furious 6?

Yeah. Yeah, it makes you have a fat pussy so you can pump up before a date or something. Why do you want a fat pussy? Show up like a baboon. The fat pussy horn, everybody. You've heard it before. You love it on the show. It's the fat pussy horn.

Wait, is that a thing? Yeah. It is. You've got to look up pussy pump. You blow it up? You blow up your pussy. It makes it look like a swole. It looks like turned inside out.

I thought Lexington Steel blew it out already for you. Oh, Jesus. Why do these reputable ladies want fat pussies? Has there been a guy where it's like, your pussy's too small. I just want to try everything once. I guess I saw it in a movie. It looked interesting.

What movie? It's supposed to make it more sensitive because the blood goes closer to the skin. It makes it a lot bigger for sure. Did you look in the mirror and stuff? Oh, yeah. It turns into a baboon. Like a baboon. Wow.

Oh, my goodness. Very racist. Because that's what I've always wanted. Whenever I pulled down a pair of panties, I'd be like, what's the closest thing I can get to a baboon before I stick my dick inside of this? Yeah.

So did you hook up with the guy with the blown up thing? Not really, no. Not really? Yeah, he saw the baboon pussy, and he's like, no, thank you. so did you hook up with the guy with the blown up thing um not really no not really yeah he saw the baboon posting he's like no thank you when you say not really how did that go I just uh sent some pictures that's it okay Brian

I don't know why you do this do you want to see Jeremiah? You just sent pictures. Where do you send pictures? To a guy. Just texting. Sexting. Yeah.

I mean, how does a guy respond to a picture of a blown up pussy like that? Come over and bring your pussy pump, basically. They say that. Oh, yeah. I don't know. I think I'd throw a couple emojis in there. Peach. Johanna, what else? Tell us something else about you.

Is all of your material sex related? It's pretty dirty. I can't think of anything clean that's also funny. What else is in the box? In the box? There's multiple things in the box. The second thing you mentioned is a pussy pump. I want to know what number three is.

There's a ball gag. There's like a huge black dildo named Bam. It had a picture of... Wait a second. Yeah. You named it? No, it had a name. I found the box and it's a guy that looks like Tupac and it's a big box and it says Bam

but then I brought it home. It's like a baby size, you know? It's a baby. Yeah, but I thought, let me see this guy Bam in action. But it turns out he does gay porn. What the fuck? And I didn't watch it. Johanna, you're like out of control.

Your life is a mess. I love it. Dildo named Bam. I was hoping it was like Bam Margera. And they're like, today on Jackass. So Bam is the biggest. That was the one I was trying to impersonate

but I didn't want to be too racist. I thought, can I be racist if I'm a black dildo? I don't know. What color is Bam? Dark brown. And anatomically correct. It's supposed to be...

It could not possibly be a live size. It's dark brown. What color was it when you first got it? It was light. Yeah. That's a golden pony, y'all. Anything else for Johanna, guys? Anything else?

Anything else? I'll try to think some clean thoughts for next time. I don't think that's the problem. I don't think it's about your cleanliness or your dirtiness. I don't know. She's just oozing with sexuality. She's just like, I'll try to think of some clean stuff the next time.

I'll do what I can. But no promises. It was so realistic that it was hard to get the funny out of it because we all just thought you were telling us the truth about everything. But the dildo with the debit card, that's not a real thing.

I feel like there's a really fucking, and I know I'm right about this, a really fucking crazy human being behind those cold, dead eyes ears. And you need to let it rip more. You're trying to pretend like you're over the line and everything, but you're not. And instead of going

for shock value, you need to really break down what the fuck it is that you want to say. And don't be such a blown up pussy about stand-up comedy. Just let it rip. Does that make sense? I'll try. Yes. Thank you. Alrighty. Thanks. Johanna Petrie,

ladies and gentlemen. Oh, I love this show you never know who you're gonna meet our second time ever with Johanna Petrie first time you learned she had sex with Lexington Steele who dropped out on the show nobody

I literally wanted to celebrate our independence and just have fun. I decided not to even invite anyone. That's pretty cool. I mean, Ron White wasn't free this week, but I mean, if he, you know,

or else we would have done it some other 4th of July. When it lands perfectly on a Monday. Sorry, Tony. I can it lands perfectly on a Monday. Sorry, Tony. I can't make it here, man. Ron, is that you? Yeah, man.

I just got lost in a whiskey bottle. Sorry. He's the best. Yeah, he's great. He's going to come on soon. Great guy. I just pulled another... I just pulled another name

out of the bucket. This is a guy that's been on the show many a times. Very funny. Always different. Put your hands together for Tam Fam, everybody. Oh, yeah.

Hey. I've always been... All right. Not from you. I've always been self-conscious about my ears because kids are assholes most of them anyway one once told me that big ears add character

then he said that it was a Disney character that's a flying elephant I always got nicknames as a kid based on things that other kids said that I resembled. Dumbo because of the ears. Bruce Lee because he was Asian. Free Willy because the whale was naked and you still couldn't see his dick. Speaking of whale genitals, I like Japanese food,

but I can't afford the good stuff. There's a Japanese restaurant I used to eat at all the time until I started paying attention, and I noticed that the health department gave it a B, which is disgusting, because I have never seen Asians get a B in anything. Yeah, fuck yeah, Tam Fam. Oh, there. Yeah. Fuck yeah, Tam Fam. Oh, there's more.

Finish it, Tam Fam. Never seen Asians get a B in anything. Filipinos don't count. Okay. Whoa. Yo, dawg, that was worth it. Yo, just a quick diss on the Filipinos at the end. Man, someone.

I like how he shushed you. He's like, I got to get this Filipino dig in before I'm freaking done with this set. To just spew this pure hatred towards Filipinos. Tam fam. He really threw the Filipinos under the island. That's my boy Patty Reagan right there.

Did you mean to have two Dumbo jokes kind of like in a row? Because it was kind of weird when you did it the second time. Yeah, it's called a chunk. Thought he was going to do a one-liner. Now, Tam Fam, let me ask you something. Last time you were on, we learned that Jeremiah can talk like you, and you can move your lips somehow knowing where he's going to go.

He's better at being funny as me than I am at being funny as me. Can you say that a little louder? It's not going to work. Don't worry about it. What I said was important. What? Aw, Tam, can we get some more confidence in the monitors?

100 CP. You say that Jeremiah is funnier at being you than you are, but I don't know. Should we put it to the test again? Sure. Tan fam, I'm just going to ask you a couple questions. First of all,

welcome to another episode of Who's Talking? Tam Fam, how's living in Los Angeles been going lately? It's going pretty well. Wait, you're not supposed to... Tam Fam, I think you forgot how this works. Welcome! We are back to Who's Talking? I'm pretty well. Wait, you're not supposed to. Tampam, I think you forgot how this works. Welcome.

We are back to Who's Talking. Tampam, how's living in Los Angeles been going? Life is pretty good. But you know who I hate? Filipinos. Boom. You know what? You are so right.

Jeremiah is so much funnier being you. Let me ask you one more question. Tam Fam. What's your family situation like right now? You talk with them a lot? Well, not very often. One would say

I am the black sheep of my family. Oh my god. Are you in on that on the camera? It's so fucking funny. He's so good at it. It's unbelievable. Oh my god. TamFam, what's been going on in your real life though, seriously?

Go ahead, TamFam. Not a lot. Well, a lot of things. Like what? I have had sexual intercourse with many prostitutes. I say, is $20 enough? They slap me in the face and say, do I look like some kind of bitch prostitute whore to you?

It's so funny to me. I could watch like an hour of that straight. Dude, you guys could do something like crazy. You guys could be like the first ever like human ventriloquist comedian act. Oh God. Oh, God. So, Tam Fam, in your real life, anything crazy

been happening? Go ahead. No, not at all. Come on. Something at all in your life. Did you almost get hit by a car? Were you late for work? How do you make your money again? I'm an extra. I was working on The Muppets this one time. As one of the Muppets this one time.

As one of the Muppets? Weird. You have to see him for the podcast listeners. Yeah, when you work on the Muppets, they have a stage because the puppeteers are down below and all the Muppets are at the top. And I was walking on the stage as an extra, right? And I forgot that there were holes all over the place,

and I fell down as the first extra ever to fall in. Wow. You had fall-down music ready for that. Did you know where he was going there? So you fell down. Yeah. First extra ever to fall on the Muppets. So that was quirky.

It is an achievement that still disappoints my father to this day tam fam you know when to turn it on you have great comedic timing has anybody ever told you that before no never oh shit so what else in your real life have you uh there was one part where i asked you and you said that you've had a lot of sexual intercourse lately. Is that true? Any of that? I dig it wet on the regular. Sometimes I wonder, can I dig it any wetter than this? how wet does it get that it would be that wet so

oh my god oh my god. Oh my god. Alright. Fuck. You guys want more of that or what? I mean, I really should move on, but maybe just a couple more questions. Tan Bam, let me ask you this on this special day.

What is your favorite thing about the 4th of July? My favorite thing about the 4th of July? My favorite thing about the 4th of July is probably the firework. Because at least somebody gets a bang.

I can hear you thinking and when you hit it at the end it's unbelievable we're all rooting for both of you it's unbelievable I knew you had nothing and then it ends with a bang

it's so beautiful Jeremiah Watkins ladies ladies and gentlemen. Damn fam, everybody. I called Jeremiah the article because he's a part of every single funny show in this town. Stand-up on the spot, his show,

Thunder Pussy, the improvised stand-up show, Rose Battle, Goddamn Comedy Jam, and Kill Tony. Jeremiah Watkins, a freak of nature. Doesn't get enough credit. Should already be on SNL.

We're lucky to have him. As you can tell by his TamFam impression. SNL has been in demand of somebody that can do... TamFam, did you know you were that famous? Yes, I did. Because... I never bite off more than I can chew. Wow.

This is really... I sort of hate it and love it, but this is like the podcast... It's become the podcast that you have to watch. You know what I mean? The listeners, I mean, they're just like listening to us crack up about God only knows what. Like, what's so funny about his dick getting wet while we're just dying for

30 seconds? Alright, TamFam, I'm gonna let you go. There he goes. TamFam, everybody. He's on Twitter at TamFamComedy. Jonna Petrie, by the way, I'm sure a lot of our fans want to know. She's on at WildJoeComedy. That's it.

TamFamComedy. P-H-A-M. Fuck yeah. One more time for TamFam, everybody. Oh my god. Oh my god. That's the funniest fucking thing. That's its own fucking show. This is a funny guy that's been on a couple times.

Put your hands together for him. Brian Vokey, everybody. Yeah. I can't wear a new pair of pants for less than a half hour without blowing out the crotch. Which wouldn't be a problem, except I don't have the kind of job where my dick can be out all day. I'm a preschool teacher. It's disrespectful as fuck to have your dick out in a classroom setting. Like the other day, I was going to read to kids,

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, you know that story? I sit down, I was going to read them that, and as I sat down, my pants ripped open. And because I'm thick, I got to apply baby powder in the morning. So when my pants ripped, a plume of smoke came out of my crotch. Like my dick was a trick cigar. I had to say something, I had to address it, so I was like, more like Cloudy with a trick cigar. I had to say something. I had to address it.

So I was like, more like cloudy with a chance of my balls. Right, kids? I don't know where I'm at there. I'm good. I'm good. Giving up at 52 seconds. Brian, I'm pretty sure you did that joke

on this show before, right? No. Nope. No? No. I'm pretty sure you did that joke on this show before, right? No. Nope. No? No. I'm pretty sure you did. Let me, okay. I've done it at the potluck and you were there.

Really? Yeah. Oh, I was? Yep. Wow. That's a random. I hate that I know that. Yeah.

Yeah. But that makes sense. Tony, you matter so much to me. Well, every once in a while I sit in for just a second and see what's going on in there. Okay, that makes sense. Brian, you look like every member of the Addams Family put together.

Has anyone ever told you that before? I'm pretty sure you used that joke on the show before. Oh, okay. On you, right? Sorry to repeat a great joke about you. Maybe you should be opening with it. Is your crotch really busted? Yeah, he's seen me do it at an open mic, actually.

Why? Wait, what happened? My pants are just, I don't know. I'm thick. I got cakes. So am I. Do you buy off jeans? I buy cheap used jeans.

What kind of cakes do you have? Red velvet, maybe. He said, I'm thick, I got cakes. Wait, when you say blow out the crotch, what does that mean? Okay, when you're fat, this is a problem you've never had, when you crouch down,

it rips, it just rips out. I have the thickest thighs in this business. A bunch of kids. I have the thickest thighs in this business. I've never had that happen. Print that t-shirt now, Death Squad. You're next to me and then come into the stage.

Thickest thighs in comedy. Definitely got the thickest lies in comedy. That's not true. I know. I've never done that. You really owned it there. You've definitely got the thickest lies in comedy. That's not true. You really owned it there. You were really owning those thighs. You've thought that before. That's never happened to me. You realized after you said it what you had said.

It's like you say that in the mirror every morning. Biggest thighs in comedy. Brian Redman. New Twitter bio. Biggest thighs in gun. All right. What do you mean you blow out the... What are you doing? Squats and jeans?

What's happening? Well, first of all, preschool furniture is like Guantanamo Bay interrogation furniture. It's like this big. So you got to get low. I cannot believe you're a preschool teacher. How long have you been doing this for? I got fired. Oh, really?

Yeah. That makes sense. It's an old joke. Oh. Oh. It's not that old. Oh. Oh, I got you. What'd they fire you for? And why do I get the feeling that you still peek through the windows sometimes at the old gig?

What'd they fire you for? Oh, shit. We're not getting the truth on this one. No, no, no. I just, I've been arrested for shop shoplifting and they renewed my FBI background check and shoplifting got me fired the classic tale Brian I'm gonna ask

you a question and I want to see how you are at being Tam Fam while I want to see if you're a better Tam Fam physically than Tam Fam but with Tam Fam's voice sure I'm gonna ask you a question sure sounds good while... I want to see if you're a better TamFam physically than TamFam, but with TamFam's voice.

Sure. Do I have to do TamFam's voice or can I do a different voice? I was hoping it would be TamFam's voice. We'll try it. I just want to see what it looks like. Sure, sure. So, Brian...

Why is that still Jesus Christ? That doesn't even make any sense at this moment. Slavery, haha! Yeah, every week it gets at a weirder, stranger time. Okay, so Brian, how'd you get here today? What's your favorite form of transportation around Los Angeles? Well, of course, it has to be a scooter. Oh yeah

You're pretty bad at this Why? Because I'm not an immigrant Brian let me ask you a question What's the creepiest job you ever had? Well one time Um I was

Oh man I was, oh man. I was digging graves and I had a handler with me and I said, pass me the shovel. Pass me that shovel. What was the question? Drop the mic on that one. It's really hard to follow puking in an impression is what I just learned. Yeah. He won't give up.

When it's one of the only two songs you know on saxophone, you just let him play it. Fuck yeah. So Brian. What's up? Brian, in real life, tell us something interesting about you. Do you have any special skills, anything like that? Master yo-yo artist, like to skydive?

No, I'm a musician. I used to tour a lot in bands. A lot. What band? I got three bands on Spotify. Really? Yeah, yeah. What are their names?

Cold Beat, Neon Piss. Wait, wait, wait. Slow down, slow down. What was the first one? Cold Beat. Cold Beat. Okay, so you tried to take a couple cool names and put them together there. All right, what's the second one?

Neon Piss. I feel like I'd actually like that band. What's the third? And the New Flesh. It's a Cronenberg reference. It's a what? Cronenberg. I don't even know what that means. As I said, I was digging graves.

Wow, that's cool. What's your instrument? All of them. Guitar, bass, drums. Now normally Pat gets very, very angry at other people that do music and comedy. Pat, what do you think about, do you have any questions for Brian? I like Brian's vibe. I like his attitude. I like talking to him.

Yeah. That's good for a podcast. Where are you from? Atlanta, Georgia. How long have you been in LA? Just six months. I lived in the Bay. That's where I started podcast. Where are you from? Atlanta, Georgia. How long have you been in L.A.? Just six months. I lived in the Bay. I came here from...

That's where I started comedy, is the Bay. Which Bay? Oakland. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So you've been here for six months.

Yeah. Anything fun happen in those six months? Isn't a thing in L.A. that you thought would be? Something like that? I don't know. I live in like a you know, hiking, swimming, shit like that. Shit I can't do in the Bay, you know.

Do you think people like do you have audiences when you played shows that like went wild? Or is everyone just tame and on their phones? No, people would shoot firecrackers at us, throw chairs, all that shit. Yeah, it was fun. Half-lit spark phones? No, people would shoot firecrackers at us, throw chairs, all that shit. Yeah, yeah, it was fun.

Half-lit sparklers? No, real fireworks. Real fireworks. Oh, wow. We played in Budapest one time, and I got ripped off the stage, and they destroyed my bass. What does ripped off the stage mean? Like literally grabbed by my clothes and pulled down, and my bass just destroyed. It sounds like they loved you.

While that was happening, were you like, I'm doing it? No, it was more like, just breathe, just destroyed. It sounds like they loved you. While that was happening, were you like, I'm doing it. No, it was more like, just breathe, just breathe, just breathe. Budapest is great. You ever go to the baths and get your ass slapped around a little bit? No, I was there being a successful musician. Whoa.

Whoa. This boy's got some snark. So you were a very successful musician, huh? I mean, I paid my rent off it. That's incredible. And then you gave it up to chase your dream of being a stand-up comedian? Yeah, it got boring after a while. It's just like the same shit over and over and over again.

I get bored. I have to do new stuff all the time. So you didn't write a lot of new stuff? Did you write your own songs? Yeah, yeah. But you just got sick of writing? It's just, I mean,

just sitting in a van all the time, just driving eight hours, ten hours, just constantly hungover. It got boring. Eating shitty food? Just, yeah,

McDonald's, Taco Bell. Oof. Jesus. What's one of your bands or an album we should check out on Spotify I would check out Neon Piss Neon Piss

The self-debut Neon Piss by Neon Piss Neon Piss Here it is, here's a little Neon Piss Brian's brought it up Is that you? On the guitar. This is neon!

By the way, this is a different song. He just hit a button for a different song. It sounds like the same song. Hit another button. Maybe it just... There you go. This is Santana, right? Another one? Poor guy.

Oh, shit. That's you. It was the summer. Does anybody else feel like they're playing Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2? I'll sing Neon Piss. Can I get him to sing some Neon Piss? Awesome. I do want to say our guitar player died last week.

So RIP to Barker G. Why is that getting an applause break? I get it. It's weird to deal with that feeling. RIP Barker G. Hopefully they can get him some neon embalming fluid.

How did he die? Overdose? Hit by a... Hopefully they can get him some neon embalming fluid. You know what I mean? Oh, man. How did he die? Overdose? No? No. Hit by a? Suicide. Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, God. I'm sorry to hear that. Were you guys close? Yeah, very close. Holy shnikes. Yeah, yeah. It was funny because I had just seen like 10 comics do,

I'm going to kill myself after this thing goes bad. Right. Like in the last week. And I'm like, no, you're not, you fucking pussy. That's funny. That's really funny. I'm so sick of that. Oh, this joke sucks, so here's my easy way out.

There you go. Brian uses it every week. Man, do you want to talk about it? I'm good, man. I'm good. How did he do it? The sample. It just happened. Really? One shot, huh? Tony Henscliffe's special on Netflix. One shot.

Body's not cold. I love it. No, it never is. Damn. What kind of gun? Do you know what kind of gun he is? 22. Did he do it anywhere weird? Arkansas? Arkansas.

Fuck yeah. That's a yes. You can check the yes box on that one. I thought you meant that he'd shoot his dick or something like that. Some people do get weird at the last second. They're like, fuck it up. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

Then they got a weird face for the rest of their life man next up on bringing down the room no i like that it's fine man it's real life was he done with music was he done playing music at that point uh he definitely is done i mean music pat yeah right before before he killed himself no he was in bands yeah he was in bands with any bands cooler than neon piss yeah all his band yeah i mean the dude graduated from berkeley college of music with a degree in guitar he's like a master how did he end up in arkansas that's where he's from yeah yeah yikes yeah i used to go to this uh this uh great rib place in arkansas yeah and uh

and then i and i asked a girl from Arkansas, I was like, hey, is Bubba's still open? She's like, no, Bubba's hasn't been open in years. They shut it down. They were selling meth straight out of the kitchen. I was like, is that why the ribs were so good? Those weren't ribs, dude. That was the lead singer in Neon Pits, bro.

They're just serving them up. His meth-y ribs. That was the lead singer in Neon Pits. His meth-y ribs. There's not a lot of meat on meth-y ribs. Man, that sucks. You going to Arkansas for the funeral? I just went up to the bay. I just got back yesterday. That's good.

It's fine. All of you are going to die. It's okay. Relax. My heart is beating so fast Really? Wish we could say the same for Brian's friend Guys come on Come on

He's clapping you should be laughing It's fine That's so cool that you have a good sense of humor That must help get you through shit What am I going to do? That thing about now you hear other people talk about killing themselves is really funny. Any other bright sides to the suicide?

You know, coming to LA to do comedy, I do it every night at the mics and stuff. You forget that you have friends that have nothing to do with comedy. And this kind of got me back in touch with a bunch of people. And it's so important to hang out with people who aren't awful.

Totally. Totally. Absolutely. That's true. It's very true. And that's beautiful and well put. And I love that. Brian Vokey, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you. There he goes, Brian Vokey. Turned into a likable character by the end of that interview. It's on Twitter at Brian Vokey. That's Brian with a Y. turned into a likable character by the end of that interview. It's on Twitter at Brian Vokey. That's Brian with a Y. And Vokey, V-O-K-E-Y. We're just moving along.

Wow, they pulled his chair out from underneath him. Right after... That's how hard it is to make friends in comedy, by the way. They just heard that your friend just killed himself to add insult to suicide. And then he commented that he was connecting with people. Awful. What was that? Moment has passed. Never mind.

My only regret was that when your mic wasn't working, if TamFam would have done your voice for you from over there. I pulled a name out of the bucket. This looks like a new name. I'm not positive. I'm sorry if I'm insulting you by not remembering you. But here we go. Zachary Stein, everybody.

Thank you. I still use a pot dealer. I fucking hate him. He's the worst person I know. The best example of this is he'll text me, or he'll, like, tell me about, like, he'll brag about going to the strip club and paying for a blowjob. Which, don't get me wrong, I think that's a great thing to do.

I paid for a blowjob. I paid for multiple blowjobs. If I had a nickel for every time I paid for a blowjob, I would have, like, an unsustainable business model. It would annoy me if he was bragging about it. It's like you partake in commerce. You pay for a service. I remember I went to Denny's the other day.

I gave them money. They brought me food. They cleaned it up. I run that bitch. It's ridiculous. I text him. He makes me use code words for pot. I do now. I text him, and he makes me use code words for pot, so I do now. I'll be

like, hey, friend. That one's a code word. Hey, friend. I need half an ounce of child pornography. Hey, that's all for me, guys. Thank you very much. My name's Zach. Fuck yeah. I like that closeout. Zach, for some reason I feel like

you just woke up hungover, started drinking again, and then came here, signed up, and just performed. How close am I to right on that? That's fucking ridiculously right. Really? I nailed it? You seem like you're like half awake,

half drunk, special 4th of July just blow out. They pick my name, whatever happens, happens. Like that. I'm going to try to do some jokes and they don't laugh. Whatever they do is great. We're just going to do it. It's nice that you thought it was holiday specific.

I love that. You drink a lot all the time, huh? I get sober for work. You're like Chris Farley without the swagger. Without the jokes, too. Zach, you have a name like Zachary Stein. Now, we remember you from last episode. Oh, yeah.

I'm trying not to look at it. I've already looked at it. In an episode where we've already talked about blowing out crotches, Zachary Stein, for those of you that missed it, you were on probably a couple months ago, something like that. And the thing about him was that you could see when we ended up talking

in extent about your giant penis, right? Yeah. That is correct. And you still have that hog's leg, huh? How's that working out for you? About the same. Wow. My God. It sounds like all the blood is in his other head.

Yeah. Did someone wire your jaw before this set? You know, it's there and it's doing really good. My goodness. I love it. What did you drink today? I feel like it started with

tomato juice for some reason. No, I had a couple King Cobra 40s. Whoa. Wow. My God. Dude. Fucking the wolf of Martin Luther King Boulevard over here. Those fucking dicks are King Cobra 40.

Yeah. If this place was packed, it'd be crazy for that one. Said everybody's wondering if it's as funny as they think it is. Tony, it looks like he's smuggling a Renaissance fair turkey leg in his pants. It really

is aggressive, even in these pants. I think I remember last time it was like gray pants or something like that. It was like a fucking situation. And of all the people that tucks in his shirt, you're one of the guys that always has his shirt tucked in. Yeah. You need to

start wearing baggy clothes. Why do I feel like you have a couple tiny little airport liquor bottles on you right now? Am I right? I'm getting that vibe, but you don't, right? Do you have a flask on you? I don't think that far ahead, but maybe in the future I will. That's a good idea.

Jesus, thank you. I love that. I'm sure you'll remember that, by the way. No, I'm not black out yet. It would be way fucking worse. I'll remember this conversation. He still managed to put a full suit on, though. That's crazy to me. He looks so together.

That's what happens when you only own clothes like that. There's just no other options. I'm sure that if he had sweatpants and a t-shirt he'd be wearing it right now. Did you sleep? You slept in that outfit, am I correct? No, maybe a week ago. Or you can say you sleep like a long time.

I mean, I laid on my belly in the park, but who gives a fuck about that? It depends on where my eyes closed. Maybe. Maybe they weren't. Since I've done laundry, yeah. It's just another day. It's not even July 4th to me. Fuck yeah. I always wondered how

you celebrate July 4th since the first time I saw you was in A Christmas Story. I'm not even wearing my glasses today. You did that last time. Sure, people. Again, if you look exactly fucking like somebody,

yeah, you're going to get hit with the same fucking joke, you morons. Welcome to comedy, you fucking buffoons. You called me that last time. Yeah, you look like you'll shoot your eye comedy. You fucking buffoons. You called me that last time. Yeah. You look like you'll shoot your eye out. You don't poop. So I made the call twice. Son of a bitch.

And he didn't call you a buffoon last time. I'll tell you that much. He did not call you that last time. Because that is a brand new word I've never heard of. You buffoon! It's my new favorite. And you're going to hear a lot of that.

I might be releasing the new buffoon t-shirt. The bumper sticker. Hashtag buffoon, people. Zachary, tell us something about your real life that's happened lately. And maybe something about living life drunk. I get sober. I work a normal day job and shit. Like what?

I manage a hair salon in Santa Monica. Girl. How does that go for you? Good. I'm good at it and stuff. There it is. I can... It doesn't...

Because I know that money is allowing me to get fucked up on a regular basis and stuff so I can like I can be in the moment and like be good at my job because I know I like I can't get that fucked up I just have to go crazy if I don't have a job Jesus I feel like it's never gonna end you know I just keep getting fucked up and I work and then I get fucked up and then all of a sudden I'm like, I gotta work. I have a problem. I'm only here to try to get some Mangria. What?

I said, I'm only here to try to get some Mangria. It looks like you have a bottle in your pants right now, Zachary. This is the commercial. New from Mangria. Straight out of the garage. A hand bust through. Available at Santa Monica hair salons. How long have you worked at the salon? I've been in the salon industry for like seven years.

Why? You say that like it's hilarious. People don't expect it, I guess. What goes on there that we wouldn't know about? It's raining men! Is that true? Is it raining men? There's a lot of gay people, if that's what you mean.

Yeah. A lot of gay men cut hair. Why? Oh my god Craziest thing you've ever had go down in your salon While managing, what was that? Dick Any problems or anything?

I mean yeah, just people trying to fucking get their money back And I'm good at telling them no What do you say? When somebody's like, I want my money back Listen, I need my money back? Listen, I need my money back, stat. This isn't looking good at all. Okay.

That's not what I said. For your haircut, Jeremiah, he might actually give you the money back. Yeah. That one's gonna to fuck with Jeremiah because he loves his hair so much. As you can tell, he curls the edges out every night before.

No, I don't, you bop-boo. Oh, shit. Zachary, what are your parents like? Do they like what you do? Do they know you? Do they love you? My dad's a big fan. My mom's like... A big fan? Yeah, he likes my stand-up and shit. Oh, I love that. How they know you? Do they love you? My dad's a big fan. My mom's like...

A big fan? Yeah, he likes my stand-up and stuff. Oh, I love that. How long have you been on stand-up? About five years. Wow. What's your mom like? She's like an old racist Arab lady.

What? Yeah. Old racist Arab lady? Yeah. You came out of her vagina? No, no. I had a surrogate mother. Right? You came out of her vagina? No, no, I had a surrogate mother Surrogate mother Raised by one mom

Actually from a different mom Wow So how do you think that affected you? Probably a good amount, man. How Arab is she? Oh, no, my mom. How Arab is she? Welcome to another episode of How Arab Is She?

She's so Arab. On a scale from 9 to 11. Or 7 to 11. How Arab is she? 11 or 9? 11. Or 7? 7, 11.

7, 9, 11. 9, 11? She had a range of errors of like 15. That, 9, 11. She had a range of marriage of like 15. That's really the joke. If we edit this, it would be on a scale from 7, 11 to 9, 11. How Arab is she?

It's so good when you actually figure it out. Takes that extra second. Writer's guild. So Zachary, real life shit. Anything else? mean how yeah how arab is she she fucking had a arranged marriage at 15 and her first kid at 16 so pretty arab are you the first kid no no my dad's our third marriage he's a jew and yeah we there's the classic jew yodel uh we've heard on this show so many times.

Interesting. So the Jew and the Arab lady. My oldest brother's like fucking 55. What? My oldest brother's like 55. Fuck yeah. What's he like? Are they all like you?

He's a little like me. He's fucked up. He has triplets, but he loves Donald Trump. You do drugs? Yeah, he's a little like me. He's fucked up. He has triplets, but he loves Donald Trump. You do drugs? Yeah, occasionally. What are your favorite drugs to do? Mushrooms. Then second, I guess, would be pot.

Coke, third. I love that creepy smile you give after Coke, third. Like, it's first if you have any. DMTT fifth. Zachary, anything else for Zachary, guys? What do you guys think? I don't think so, man. Zachary, I can't remember what we figured out last time.

Did we ask you how big your dick actually is? You did not. How big is it? Have you measured it before? Not in a few years. I don't own a ruler anymore. It outgrew the ruler. It's been years since I could capture it with a ruler.

He used to market it at his old childhood home. Just Clamato puke all over the wall. Very competitive household. What's your favorite thing to drink? It seems like someone who's drinking 40 ounces of King Cobras is on a budget. Am I correct? I don't need to be.

I just like to... I make good money and everything, but I don't know. Do you know who... Did your dad fuck somebody else? I believe so. Do you know who that is? There's a Norwegian lady.

I saw her on Facebook. She's fat and shit. But I... Wait. Wow. That's how you talk about your real mom? I don't know. I saw this piece of shit on Facebook.

She's got a bad in one of her eyes. She had like two likes. I would have met her if she was like a good looking person. I saw something in my future, but I was like, oh, that's why I just got this fucking gut. I bet she was probably pretty when he fucked her because why not? Wow, way to go, dad.

How big's your dick? It's like seven inches but it's girthy. I got some good width. Was that the thing? Was that it? What do I remember about this episode? Something crazy. Oh, wow. He's girthy, man. Width. He's got his pups to the left.

Zachary, anything else? There you go, buddy. Zachary Stein. Oh, I got one. No, no jokes. No, it's not a joke. Okay, what? If you follow me on Instagram, Stein Feet and Toes, I'm trying to be the number one Jewish foot fetish Instagram account in the world.

Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait, you buried that? I'm trying to find something interesting about him for 10 minutes. He goes, oh, just by the way, yo, follow me on Instagram. I'm trying to set a record for foot fetish shit. Jewish foot fetish.

What the fuck are you talking about? Jewish foot fetish? Yeah, I think feet are gross. What's so special about Jewish feet? What, do they have pennies in between the toes? There you go. Oh, my God. Wait, do you like... By the way, for those of you that wonder,

why is Tony taking such a podcast way in the show business? It's because I make jokes like that and I don't have a choice. Jewish people hate me. Just kidding. Zachary, what is it about Jewish women's feet? No, it's my feet. It's my feet. I think feet are gross, but I just think there's like a

misrepresentation. There's a lack of representation of Jewish feet in the industry. Wait, you photograph your own feet and put them on Instagram. Because of the lack of representation. Yeah, I'm trying to, yeah. Well, we to see your freaking feet now. Are they... Is there anything special about your feet?

Oh, this is a bad idea. Oh, God. Okay, dude, this is the... Oh, I should have asked to see the dick. I can... I can smell the matzah. Put it away. Zachary Stein

so how many Instagram followers do you have on this not a lot not a lot it's a work in progress when's the last time you vomited

fucking I don't know like five days ago really where were you drinking that night do you remember probably

I think I actually had some tequila that night which was yeah whatever yeah fuck yeah hard liquor how why aren't Where were you drinking that night? Do you remember? I think I actually had some tequila that night. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, fuck yeah. Hard liquor. Why aren't Jewish feet represented?

How did you get that idea into your mind? I mean, if you look at the fucking top foot fetishists, there's very few. Do you look at a lot of men's feet? No, but I just know there's very few Rosenblatts in that industry. In what? In the male foot? Gender is not important in this issue. So you're representing for all Jewish feet.

Yeah, yeah. I wish a woman had the courage to take the foothold, because I think that would be more widely embraced, but I see where I'm needed and I do my part. Do you have your toes in your mouth right now? Where did that come from?

Is that Joel? Yes. I was waiting for my opportunity. Joel Jimenez! And you got it. I was waiting for my opportunity. Joel Jimenez over there. And you got it. Zachary, I love that you're looking at your watch. My friends are comics.

I don't want to take up too much time. I'll manage you, dude. Thank you, man. Can I get 10% of your dick? He was so proud of that. Stuck the tongue out like Jordan after he nailed it. Zachary Stein, everybody. There he goes.

He's on Twitter at hack underscore Stein. Hack underscore Stein. How about that? Jeremiah? Jeremiah? Fuck yeah. The stinkink Panther. There he goes. Zachary Stein.

Oh, we've had this guy on the show once before from Arizona. Put your hands together for Anthony Decemito. Thank you. Hi. So if you're a fat guy and you're not wearing a funny shirt, you are just wasting everybody's time. You're giving us 50%, guys. I like my jizz. Like I like my economicsizz like I like my economics trickle down

all the way down to the ground because that's where my face is I feel like I look like one of those people at the end of that show, Catfish. You know, the ones that come out of that double white trailer at the end. And the two guys are like, hey, we're looking for Jessica. And I'm like, I'm fucking Jessica, bitch. Me and McKay are in love.

Five years. Boom. Anthony Decemito. So funny. Am I saying that right? Decemito? Yeah, you are. So funny.

Man, you love pussy, don't you? Yes. Man pussy. There you go. How's July 4th gone for you? Anything special today? Not really. Just cleaned my bathroom.

Fuck yeah. That must take hours. A lot of jizz on the floor. So many hours. Jizz. Fuck yeah. So Anthony, that's fun. Another fun minute you're hilarious you killed last time you were on you did it again tell us something else

interesting about you in real life do you live in LA now yeah I've been here for about a month now cool so how's that going for you still unemployed so trying to figure were you looking for a job at I know a guy that manages a hair salon

laughter he's probably totally trying to figure out... Where are you looking for a job at? I know a guy that manages a hair salon. He's probably totally... Oh, God, there he is, swigging. Swigging the bottom remnants of a Pabst Blue Ribbon. The timing, finally, nailing his timing up there. Well lit up.

I can do a mean faux hawk. Is that true? Anthony, what kind of job are you looking for? I'm looking for a video editing job. That's what I did back in Arizona. Video editing. And I also serve tables. Oh, wow.

What kind of tables? Where have you waited tables at before? I worked at Cracker Barrel. Oh, yeah. They must have hated you there. They did. That restaurant is racist. I worked there.

Hey, what can I get for you? What the hell? I just want some damn biscuits and gravy. Got queers coming over to my table. What's going on here? This is Cracker Barrel. This is United States of America. Happy Fourth of July, bitch.

They didn't realize I was gay until way later. And then they fired me. Oh, Jesus. Wow. Wait, were you like a good employee and they found a reason to fire you? No.

We have the same thing. I picture you getting fired from Cracker Barrel for being doggy style on a rocking chair. Or breaking too many rocking chairs. We're going to fire you for breaking too many rocking chairs. Not because you're gay. Why did they fire you? How did they find out you were gay?

Started blowing the pepper mill? Where's all the pepper mills? I transferred over to the one in Mesa, Arizona and they did not like me. Mesa, Arizona doesn't even like Mexicans and you have a lot going for you. What is your nationality, Anthony? I am Mexican and Filipino.

Decimito sounds sort of Italian, no? It sounds Italian, but it's Filipino. It's like the name of some bird or something in the Philippines. Some gay bird? Some gay bird. What else have you been doing for a month? Are you living in West Hollywood? Because the difference, I imagine, I don't know much,

but I'd imagine that the difference in you know being able to be a gay man in west hollywood compared to arizona yeah i'm definitely less special out here like over there it was like whoa a gay guy right that's not dead that's great wow what a negative way to look at it well I'm less special now that there's other gays here yeah I was a luxury guy you were just a fucking Arizona dump truck

before now you come out here I don't know how's it been going have you hooked up with anybody and if so where and how I've not hooked up with anybody? And if so, where and how? I've not hooked up with anybody. I thought I was, but then the guy was like,

like we kissed, and then he was like, I hope I'm not giving you the wrong message, but I don't want to be with you. And I was like, then why did you kiss me? And then I left his house. Oh, boy, there was no real okay there was no none of that like tam fam twist at the end no and then we went out with a bang it's like what oh nothing i imagine and then i fucked a homeless guy whoa wow really there's a punchline uh i imagine that's like whenever you're at the grocery store

and you take a sample from one of those people and then they're like, so are you going to buy it? And you're like, you must not understand what our relationship is. I'm taking this for free and walking away from you. So you fucked a homeless guy, huh? What's that like? Is that like on newspapers? That's a real thing. On newspapers or something like that? No, okay. One time

I went on a date with a homeless guy, but I didn't know he was homeless at the time. Let me guess. You guys went on a walk in the park? We're going to go to this new restaurant. It's called Bench. Period. It's a really hip place. It's just a bench and you have to...

Very exclusive. What did you do on the date with the homeless guy? We went to a punk show. I was like, okay, well... Maybe a mosh pit scenario would keep us from talking to each other. And how was Neon Piss? I broke a guy's guitar.

That was a callback. Well, Anthony, you are funny as fuck. I'm rooting for you big time. Hopefully you find a day job soon, make some money while getting to tell funny jokes and getting to meet everybody and know everybody. But you are absolutely hilarious. Hopefully you find a day job soon, make some money while getting to tell funny jokes at night and getting to meet everybody and know everybody. But you are absolutely hilarious. Thank you.

Thanks for being on the show again. There he goes. Anthony DeSimito, everybody. He's on Twitter at Anthony DeSimito. Let's get our two regulars up here and see if we have time for another one at the very end. Going up first tonight, you know her, you love her. She started as a nervous, shaking puppy and slowly has gotten more

and more calm writing and performing a brand new minute every... Are either one of them here? Either one? Oh, wow. Okay. You know the other regular? Super confident. Super swag. The one, the only. Vanessa Johnson, everybody. I don't identify as a republican or a democrat i'm an atheist yeah fuck that joke

um so stupid i uh i don't know though like how how are you proud to identify as an elephant or a donkey? Like, those are the lamest animals. Like, elephants are fat, hairy, nearly extinct. And so are most Republicans. But Democrats are stubborn asses. So annoying. According to studies, the registered voting population is 20 republican 30 democrat 40 independent and the remaining percentage are like where's george washington

like fuck all these guys what sucks is that registered independents, the majority of the population, are not allowed to vote. Okay. Fuck yeah. Your senior Daily Show correspondent, Vanessa Johnston.

Tell her. She is live on the scene. No. Fuck yeah. You were so quick to hate on your own opening joke I don't even think you gave it a chance to really breathe

maybe anyway how's life what's happening it's good I was in a bikini all weekend oh shit yeah I'm still in a bikini wait what so is Jeremiah actually underneath all that strangely enough what is this by the way why are you dressed like what are you so funny pat

you're so cool dude you're like the hippest guy i know you seem like you'd be like the most fun person at a party who he's pretty fun tony he is i don't know what it's like to have real friendship i don't have that with anybody. Fun fact, you'd think I'd have a lot, but no one. Cold to everyone at the end of the day. Ask Brian, he knows. Inside the mind of the golden pony.

That's not true. Vanessa, what's the most fun thing that happened when you're hanging out in a bikini this weekend? Tony thought he had a lot of friends. I don't know. But he had another thing coming. I want to hear

the rest of this trailer. If that's the beginning, then what happens next? Tampa? Would you see crazy anything crazy happen at the beach? I don't ever get to make it out there. Ever. I never ever do. Even when I want to, I just don't ever get to make it out there ever I never ever do even when I want to

I just don't even end up like really walking out to the ocean nobody ever invited Tony Hitchcock to the beach I totally forgot we were just doing that before like I totally set myself up like okay we'll move on he's not gonna do more of that

even when I'm not trying I, we'll move on. He's not going to do more of that. God, even when I'm not trying, I lead the show in a perfect direction. Anything? I mean, no, not really. It's the beach, you know. Pretty mellow. I don't even know what goes on there. It was weird. Did you get in the water? Yeah. That's a thing.

I did that once. It's like freezing cold. It's like so uncomfortable. He was invited to the beach once but never invited back again because he kept complaining. Maybe that's what it is. The water was cold like his friendships.

All right. Vanessa will rock and roll. Writing and performing a new minute every single week's hard and talking about political stuff for some reason when you were talking about the republicans being uh elephants i was hoping for some reason you were gonna make a donald trunk joke uh i don't know why but if the words just popped in my head there's probably a way to get there i like the response from the audience was a guttural laughing and groaning at the same time. I've been getting a lot of those.

I had last Thursday, I had this traumatizing show in Seattle where I had an all O crowd. It was like the only thing, even the funny parts are like, Oh, it was very weird. Anyway, they know who you Seattle motherfuckers that were at that show.

No, it's, it's okay. See, that's always the sound that puts it over the edge. Vanessa Johnson, everybody. She lost a whole city. There she goes. Vanessa Johnson. You're one and only other regular. Started out nervous as hell,

slowly calming down every single week. You never know what's going to happen with the stylings of Melissa Esslinger, everybody. And that is all I have. If you think I'm awkward here, imagine me around a bunch of people I don't know, plus marijuana, plus beer, plus fireworks, and people walking around, and this isn't a joke, so I'm going to get to this. It's not that my kind acts are insincere,

it's just that I tend to premature ejaculate. I forgot the word that I made up I made up a word for that it's a terrible look no I'm not ending there I mean Jesus

no I did have jokes I mean, Jesus. No, I did have jokes. I'm not. That's 60 seconds for Melissa Esslinger. Talking about... Nothing at all. You can see Melissa live at the Meltdown on Wednesday. You can also see her live at the Meltdown every Monday here at 9.35.

All right, here we go. Melissa, you spent 60 seconds talking about the jokes that you prepared to do for the 60 seconds that you weren't doing the entire time. Dude, that's alt, bro. Yeah, that's super hip. The double alt. Dude, I like that, dude. So alt that it's almost mainstream. What?

I like alt. Yeah, Pat does. Melissa, what were you going to talk about? There were jokes about being misunderstood. Nailed it. Nailed it. What Tony didn't realize is he was about to be murdered. Wait, what?

Whoa. Whoa, what's this twist? Son of a bitch. Jesus, who's writing this thing? Not even going to be in season two of this thing? No, I... It's okay. You panicked.

I did panic. You fell back on every bad habit. Yeah, exactly. Did the Eminem song get inside your head? I mean, a little bit. It's too funny. I just pushed a random button of Eminem. Really? I had no idea what I was playing.

I don't know. I thought I didn't know you were here, so I was just going to do like an ending song. I, uh... Knees weak, knees weak, mom's spaghetti. That would fuck anybody up. I mean... Okay. Melissa, did you do any...

Did you, you like smoke weed or drink or anything today I drank some beer I've been drinking with Zach Zach introduced me to this alcohol and I just it's all good I didn't realize

it's all good a special July 4th episode oh yeah I was gonna also talk about I was gonna talk about holidays and how things fourth episode. Oh yeah, I was going to also talk about, I was going to talk about, I was going to talk about holidays and how things like make, I was going to talk about ramen noodles and holidays.

Okie dokie. There you go. I can go there. No, talk about it next week. There she goes, Melissa Esslinger everybody. There she goes. There she goes.

She's talking about talking about it. There she goes again. There she goes again. Talking about, talking about it. There she goes again. There she goes again. Talking about talking about it. Hey, Tony. Is this the time we have to end the episode? It is, right?

I forget how it works in the belly room. Guys, that's tonight's episode. We have to wrap it up. This is it. Joel Jimenez is on Twitter. Mostly funny. Anything else, Joel? Mostly sorry.

And then also Jewish man feet on Instagram. Look at the drawing from Ryan Chayebo, ladies and gentlemen. That happened while you were sitting here. That's tonight's special 4th of July episode. Oh, fuck yeah. Look at me. 4th of July ringleader. Jeremiah Watkins, Pat Reagan.

Guys, plug yourselves. Yes, at JeremiahStandUp on Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, all that stuff. JeremiahWatkins.tv is my website. Guys, July 26th, video on demand. I'm in a movie called The Bet with DDP, Jake the Snake Roberts, Roddy Piper, and some other very funny people. So check that out. And then Rose Battle is coming to Comedy Central at the end of the month.

Pat Reagan. Pat Reagan. You ready to get it? Check out my shit. Cleveland, Tulsa, San Francisco, Sacramento, San Diego, and Boston. I'm going to be there soon. Live audience, thank you so much. Brian Redband.

See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys.

See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. And the danger's in my head And I am in a man

In a man, I'm waving my dick in the wind I'm waving my dick in the wind I'm waving my dick in the wind If it all goes right, I'll be in your arms tonight But I'm waving my dick in the wind I'm lost in the sauce once again I'm lost in the sauce once again If I make it through the night, everything will be alright But I'm lost in the sauce once again If I make it through the night Everything will be alright

I'm lost in the sauce once again you you you you you you you you you you