KILL TONY - KILL TONY #166

Episode Date: August 4, 2016

Kirk Fox, Jamar Neighbors, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Jeremiah Watkins, Josh Martin, Melissa Eslinger, Joel Jimenez, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 07/18/2016 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Don't forget to go to DeathSquad.tv for all the different links including the video portions of all the shows we do here at Death Squad or clicking on tour dates will show all the different live shows that Death Squad does. Not only do we have Kill Tony every Monday at the Comedy Store at 8 o'clock, we also have Roast Battle which you might have seen on the old TV sets every Tuesday, which is the verbal violence podcast here at Death Squad. And then every first and third Friday, that's this Friday, we have Ice House Chronicles, which is a podcast we do.

But we also do a live comedy show at the same time. And that's every first and third friday at the ice house in pasadena don't forget to subscribe to kill tony on itunes just search the itunes store for kill tony and hit subscribe and don't forget to rate and review the show or if you just want to subscribe to everything we do at death squad You could just subscribe to the Death Squad feed on iTunes. Also, check out TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have all Tony Hinchcliffe's merchandise. You have his tour dates. He's all over the place, guys. He's in Irvine, Chicago, Toronto, Tulsa, Oklahoma, San Francisco, Sacramento, Boston, Buffalo. Oh, he's all over the place. So check him out.

Austin Buffalo. Oh, he's all over the place. So check him out. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for all the information. Also, check out ShopSquad.tv. That's the official Death Squad merchandise. We have two shirts, brand new shirts, that are shipping this week. Taco Cat Plus and we have Team 7.

These two shirts are almost sold out. Last time I checked, there was about five each. So if you haven't ordered them yet, go to shopsquad.tv for all the information. Also, last but not least, don't forget that me and Tony Hinchcliffe will be at the L.A. Podfest this year. And you can go to lapodfest.com for all the information. We are on the Friday show. So if you're going to the LAPodFest and you want to check out Kill Tony, we'll be there Friday.

So check it out. LAPodFest.com Alright guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 4. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe the golden pony Tony Hinchcliffe

Tony's outside looking at things when he should be up here looking at you remix up here looking at you. Remix. Guys, give it up for Tony Henscliff! Did you already bring me up or something? Was I late? Hi, everybody. Welcome.

Hi, everyone. Happy Monday. Make some fucking noise. Here we are. Some people take Mondays off. We don't. This is where we shine. We have more fun than people on Mondays.

Hello, live audience. Welcome to Kill Tony. Make some fucking noise, everybody. Come on. Almost feels like a real live show in here. Brian Redband is here. Hi. Here he is on the sound effects, the ones and twos,

the founder of the Death Squad, the co-host of the Joe Rogan Experience. It's Brian Redband. Yup. Jamie Vernon on the HD camera. The great Ryan J.E. Belt, house artist, is drawing tonight's episode. He draws every single episode from scratch. He has a blank sheet of paper right now,

and he has already started drawing tonight's episode. You're going to episode from scratch. He has a blank sheet of paper right now and he has already started drawing tonight's episode. You're going to see that at the end of the show. You're going to be in Cleveland this weekend. So all our Ohio friends, we're both from Ohio, so come out to go see Tony in Cleveland. It's true. I'm in Cleveland this weekend, Tulsa,

San Francisco, Sacramento, San Diego, Boston's Wilbur Theater, and I'm announcing right now that I'm doing a huge stretch of tour dates in Australia in the month of October. Wow, nice. I'm going to be there. So Australia, for those of you listening live right now, because we have fucking live listeners. This show is double live. I'm going to be in Australia.

That's great. Cleveland this week. Boston's Wilbur Theater is a big one. That's in October as well. You guys ready to fucking start tonight's show or what? One of my favorite things in the world is the Kill Tony band. And here they are, ladies and gentlemen, the Kill Tony band. Reagan and Watkins, everybody.

And Joel Jimenez. Yeah. Reagan and Watkins. Yeah! Reagan and Watkins. The very Ghostbusters-like intro. For those of you that are just listening to this podcast, only audio, the Slimer is Jeremiah, it seems. He came out first,

and then Pat was adjusting his electric guitar foot pedal. Joel Jimenez, showing his true colors, came in with the end of a vacuum cleaner. But my favorite part was the fact that Slimer went down while Joel Jimenez's vacuum cleaner was pointed at the audience. It was pretty amazing. Really well-executed timing, always,

from the band Reagan and Watkins, everybody. What's happening, guys? What's new? Very Ghostbusters-like intro. I'm Slimer, fool. Oh, wait. Is this Cholo Slimer I'm seeing? Yeah, dog.

What up, man? Oh, my goodness. Wow. What is a Cholo Slimer up'm seeing? Yeah, dog. What up, man? Oh, my goodness. Wow. What is a Cholo Slimer up to? Do you clean up yourself? I'm very dirty, dude. I bet you are. Did you know our friend Adam Ray is actually the voice of the new Slimer in the new Ghostbusters movie?

Yeah. I, like, look up to him and stuff, man. Yeah. He's also on the new Mad TV that's coming out, our friend Adam Ray. So that's something to look out for. I also auditioned for that and did not get it. Did you really? I remember you telling me about that audition. Oh,

hey, Pat has a Mexican accent too. Look at that. You guys are on fire tonight, on fuego, if you will. I like this. Joel Jimenez on the drums On fuego, if you will. I like this. Joel Jimenez on the drums really rubbing off on you guys. I love it. Fuck yeah. Busting ghosts, huh?

And fat nuts, dude. That's my man. Check out Tony's Instagram. Jamie sent him a photo of last week's episode with your ball sack hanging out of your shorts. Yeah, a small part. They were doing Pokemon-themed band last week for Pokemon Go's wild success. And Jeremiah wore shorts that were so uncomfortable

that he had literally a look on his face like he was having a stroke or shit his pants or something. Thank you, Snoop's always there when I need confirmation on things. And his ball was hanging out of his extremely tight shorts. I mean it was incredible. It was one of my finer moments.

So I'm glad you guys are here. Let's fucking get into it. As every other week we have two of the most amazing comedians ever, always as guests. This week's no different. Two of our favorites, returning guests. Put your hands together for two of the best. It's Kirk Fox and Jamar Neighbors.

Yeah! Fuck yeah! Jamar Neighbors. Fuck yeah. Shamar neighbors. Both of you. Oh. Wow. Very well moisturized. Both of your hands are.

I must say. You said you were ashy? Is that the word? I was ashy as fuck. And I said, go put the cream on, man. Just do what you got to do to be smooth. Yeah, yeah. And Tony said, you look like you need some lotion. And I couldn't tell.

Where did you put it? Is this mic good? I think so. It sounds good. It feels a little low. I got the lotion, y'all. It feels a little low. There.

There it is. There you go. I don't want to have to stretch. Well lotioned up. You guys have both been on the show. You know Reagan and Watkins over there? Hey, man. Ghostbusters theme tonight.

Hey, I like that. You guys have any questions for our guests? Hmm. Uh, yeah. Okay, so, Jamar Neighbors man You were like in that movie Like Key and Peele Like what was it like

Working with two geniuses man It was dope Dude I like that How about for Kirk Anything for Kirk No I'm good Oh shit I like that

That's good. That's the best question you could have ever thrown at me. Well, this is tonight's cast. We're going to have a lot of Oh, wait. You do have a question for Kirk. What was it like being the first white person ever on the Gerard Carmichael show? It was an honor,

man. It was scary. A lot of they were aggressive toward me. I didn't get a trailer. I didn't get a trailer. I didn't get to eat. It was payback across the board. It's true. Revenge. They haven't brought me back

so it was effective. You guys know the show. You've both been guests before. I'm happy to have you guys back. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. You guys know how it works. Comedians, a bunch of them, all mostly up there, stacked on top of one another all the way to the back of the other room, signed up for the chance

to do 60 seconds on stage. And then we talk to them about anything in the world afterwards. Comedians, you know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, isn't that adorable? That means wrap it up then or I'm sure going to bring out The Angry West Hollywood Bear Okay

Very good Sounds like Pokeman right I don't know I've never listened to Pokeman I haven't either but that sounds like What someone must be looking at It's a white dude It's Pokeman It's a Pokeman. I haven't either, but that sounds like what someone must be looking at. Who's saying it's a white, dude? It's Pokeman, dude.

It's Pokeman. That's Pokeman. First white guy. Listen to the authority on ethnicity. A white accent really stands out on that word, Pokeman. Pokeman. Is that not how you pronounce it? I think it's Poke-mon.

Yeah, it's Poke-mon. Poke-mon. Pocket monsters. He knows the translation. You guys playing it? Nah, but I used to watch it back in the day. Dude, I used to watch it too, man. Let's get into the show. What's your favorite character, man?

Oh, man? Man. Slimer. You have a lot of questions now all of a sudden. Once you open the Slimer box, you know what's going to happen? Oh, wow. Jigglypuff. Yeah, Jiggly.

That was my dude. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? Here we go. Your first comedian tonight with an uninterrupted 60 seconds goes to appears to be a new name. How about Johnny C? Johnny C.

what's going on so uh i work at a tattoo shop i know i work at a tattoo shop but i don't tattoo i'm a body piercer and the craziest part about my job is I have a very intimate relationship with fear. I see fear, real fear on a daily basis. And it's part of my job to talk those people down, let them know that it's going to be okay. And you haven't experienced true intimacy until you've stared another man in the eyes and assured him that everything's going to be okay while you have a needle in one hand and his dick in the other. It's a special bond. Can't be broke. A lot of people ask me, like, why don't you ever learn to tattoo? And the truth is, because I can't draw.

And learning to tattoo without naturally knowing how to draw is like becoming a cop without naturally hating black people. I mean, sure, you can do it. Pull out your gun and go to town. But where's the art? The art is the part I like. Thanks a lot. Fuck yeah.

57 seconds from Johnny C. Funny stuff. Real true to you. How long have you been doing stand-up? A couple months. Oh, very cool. I love that you're already talking about your real life. Body piercing must be nuts. How long have you been doing that for? I was a piercer for 20 years. I Oh, very cool. I love that you're already talking about your real life. Body piercing must be nuts.

How long have you been doing that for? I was a piercer for 20 years. I just quit very recently. You quit piercing altogether. Yeah. Did something happen that made you quit? I couldn't take teenage girls anymore. When you're a piercer, the vast majority of your clientele is girls between 16 and 23.

And when I was fucking them, that was fine. That was awesome. And as soon as that part got taken out of the equation, it was like, Jesus Christ. And who took that out? The police? Yeah.

16 and 23. It's on the low side to begin. What's the worst thing that ever happened with one of those girls in a tattoo place? The funniest thing that I ever... The thing that ever happened with one of those girls in a tattoo place? The funniest thing that I ever The thing that I thought was the funniest was a girl

started her period while I was piercing her Oh, jeez. Are you sure she started her period? Maybe you just missed the fucking target. She was just very embarrassed when I finally told her. Well, how did you know? Because I was staring at her vagina and blood started coming out.

Wait a second. Where was the tattoo at? I was piercing. I'm a piercer. Where was the piercing at? On her vagina. Now I got it. Now I got it. I think it's good you're getting out of this business.

By the way, Tony, This guy looks how I sound You know what I'm saying That's true It's true Another role that's been cast by somebody better First was Adam Ray I thought you were great You're funny, you're passionate You knew what you wanted to talk about I thought you were great you're funny

you're passionate you knew what you wanted to talk about I thought it was funny yeah you had some good shit I was waiting for you to fuck up but you didn't

what tell us some more about you Johnny how do you how do you even start getting into piercing how does that become a thing in your life

I wanted to hang out at tattoo shops but I can't draw that's 100% the truth I started hanging out at a shop and it was either mop the floor or learn to pierce if I wanted to hang out at tattoo shops, but I can't draw. That's 100% the truth. I started hanging out at a shop, and it was either mop the floor or learn to pierce if I wanted to hang out. Wow. Did you do a Prince Albert?

Have you done any of the gory ones? Sure, of course. What's the biggest clit you've ever pierced? Dude, I pierced this muscle lady, like a full-on bodybuilder chick, and she had a dick clit. Like 1% I've seen it. She had a what? I've seen a dick clit. She had a dick clit. Like 100% I've seen it. She had a what? I've seen a dick clit. She had a dick clit.

A dick clit? Dick clit. Like her clit looked like the head of a dick. Damn. 100%. Oh my God. Yeah. Steroids.

Steroids does that shit too. Did it have a name? No. No? All right. Is that a Princess Albert? Man. It was a big black woman?

No, it was a little Mexican chick. Little Mexican chick with a dick clit? Yeah. Oh, my God. Maybe that was just your boyfriend in there. Cholo Slimer, what have you done? That's not the only thing. She was sneaking across the border.

You know what I'm saying? Come on! Come on! Come on! So what are you going to do now? Now that you're done cutting? This, grinding mics. Yeah, but what about money? I have.

You do know you're not getting paid for this, right? Yeah, for sure. You guys all know that, right? I work at a dispensary now. Oh, fuck yeah. You're working your way up to murder. What? Down.

I'm working my way back down from murder. Couldn't drive, but I could fucking stick a needle in someone's mouth and fucking sell weed and just fucking. How long have you been working at the dispensary? A couple years now. Wow. I didn't know they had crystal meth dispensaries. It's after hours.

I love that. I don't know what character of Breaking Bad you remind me of. It's like a, I don't know what, like Tuco's third cousin or something like that. So that's interesting. So you make money. How are the tattoo shop and the dispensary alike? How is the culture the same? It's a lot of gray area for criminal activity, for sure.

Right. Like the tattoo shop. Yeah, cash only business. The dregs of society, 100%. What was that last thing? The dregs of society. Are in the dispensary. And the tattoo shop.

I like that band. Huh. Dregs of Society? Are in the dispensary. I like that band. Dregs of Society? Rock and roll! Wasn't one of our favorite guests Dean Del Rey once in that band? The Dregs of Society? All right. Just keep writing.

You're going to do just fine. What's your love life like, Johnny? Right now, it's kind of shitty. Yeah. Not a lot of piercings. It's not as easy. Why? Why would it be that?

Why would it be cloudy with a chance of meatballs? Why would that be the... Why would that... Because, you know, sometimes it's dark outside and you can't see the sun and sometimes rain starts pouring on you and sometimes it's like dark outside and you can't see the sun. And sometimes like rain starts like pouring on you. Wasn't it a thing? It feels like meatballs.

And you're like, man, what's my life coming to? Why do I smell like raw meat right now? Oh, no. Just keep going until it hits. Revan, did I do something to you a couple episodes ago? Because you've been using those sound effects on me Like a lot lately And it's been really hurting my heart on the inside man

I don't know like what I did to you man But you keep doing like the spinning out of control And the like the The wah wah wah wah noise And like Dude like that's like really like Hurting my personal life You know what I'm saying I think about that not even on Mondays

Not even when I'm here Did you used to have a lot of piercings yourself Not as many as most piercers have But I had way more for sure But when you quit piercing You just decided I only had piercings because You're supposed to have piercings if you're a piercer. You know what I mean?

That was not. I wanted. I hung out. I wanted to get tattooed, but I had to learn how to pierce. So I had to have piercings. But I took them all out. I didn't even have my ears. Piercer's code.

Yeah, for sure. Integrity. It might be funnier if you say you have just maybe. I don't know. But you might want to try it some night. It might be funnier if you say that you have your needle in one hand and his needle in the other, because then you're saying

that he has a little dick, too. Just adds one more element. That is one more element. What else, Johnny? See anything else crazy about you? Do you have any special skills or talents or anything? Master yo-yo artist? No kids, no wife. I watch wrestling and play poker.

Watch wrestling and play poker? Ladies. There he goes. Johnny C., everybody. You met him here on Kill Tony. He's on Twitter at that. Doodoo Johnny C.? Do you? doodoojohnnyc do you?

do do d-u-d-e oh that doodoojohnnyc there he goes everybody that doodoojohnnyc with terrible handwriting if you want to know the full handle hey what's this?

a Pokemon ball from last week dude that's called Pokemon ball from last week. Dude, that's called residual laughter, Holmes. From last week. Residuals. You're on fire right now. I pulled another name out of the bucket again. I'm excited. This looks like another new name.

Put your hands together for Akash Yadar. Yadar. Yadar. Yadar. Yadar. Yadar. Yadar. Yadar. Yadar. Yadar. Yadar. Yadar. Yadar.

Yadar. Yadar. Yadar. Yadar. Yadar. Yadar. Yadar. Yadar.

Yadar. Yadar. Yadar. Yadar. Yadar. Yadar. Yadar. Yadar. Yadar. So I've been trying this new cardio workout plan. Actually, you guys have probably heard of it. It's called Pokemon Go. This shit is crazy.

It's actually making people go insane. People are running into busy highways, fucking falling off cliffs. It's tearing families apart. I kid you not. It's like to me i've downloaded the app and uh i think it's time for me to go you're the man of the house now when you're old enough to walk you'll understand and it's literally just ripping families apart

it's affected me too um i walked out of my apartment in West Hollywood, looking at my phone. By the time I looked up, I was in San Francisco. And here's the tricky part. I don't know if I walked to LAX, bought a plane ticket, and flew to San Francisco, or if I just walked all throughout Highway 5 and ended up in the city. It's mind-blowing how much cardio exercise I've been getting since I started playing this. Fuck yeah, Kashi Adar, ladies and gentlemen.

This is your first time doing stand-up comedy, right? Actually, my second time. Fuck yeah, Kashi Adar, everybody. Sometimes you can just fucking feel it, right? Wow. I mean, that was almost epic. I mean, you almost couldn't have been less funny. It was amazing.

I don't know what you could have done because had you tripped over a word or something, you would have released so much tension that was built up. You could have done anything other than exactly what you did, and it would have been so much better than what you did. I really don't get to see that that often.

Sometimes I'm sitting here, you know what I mean? I've done 160-some episodes at an hour and a half apiece, and one of the only things, you get used to this, and you're watching on the 60 seconds, and you're like, something's about to fucking happen. But no, not at all.

Really, I mean, the cat just came in out of nowhere. It was unbelievable. The positive reinforcement is really... Right, right. The will to go on. That's it. That's what you're going to get.

That's all I need. Dude, so I didn't like his comedy too much, enforcement is really right right the will to go on that's it that's what you're gonna get so i need dude so i didn't like his comedy too much but dude i can tell this guy's got acting chops you know what i'm saying yeah yeah totally absolutely that act out though like well i thought it was a dad for a second fuck yeah well like well jerry maya he was in Entourage for seven seasons. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Mexican Vince. Yeah, what character are you talking about? Don't you dare turn on my boy, Paddy Reagan.

Don't you dare. I saw it. I saw what he was going for. He stood up and spiked. They defend each other over there. You know, it takes courage to get up there, man. Yeah. You did that shit, dude. I hate that shirt, though.

Where are you from? Compton, nigga. That's why. Sometimes you just can't beat it. Oh, my God. He's wearing a straight out of San Francisco shirt. I was set up for failure as soon as I walked in. That was amazing.

I did like the fact that you kept plowing through it because you would take a pause where you thought the laughs should be. That shirt thing is one of those. And then you would kind of smile to yourself And you just had the confidence to continue Sucking at that level It was unbelievable But that's a good thing

If you have something that's funny Eventually you'll be able to say it It's initiative, if I don't laugh who will Exactly, you gotta start there The biggest tip is none of us believed you Because you were telling obviously a fake story. None of us believed that you walked all the way to San Francisco. If you could redo all your jokes as real life,

like you really did this, we wouldn't turn against you because it seemed like right when you started saying bullshit, all of us were kind of like, oh God, are we supposed to believe you walked all the way to San Francisco? I believed him on that, actually. I think his battery lasted.

I think that, you know... Dude, I was standing on the Golden Gate Bridge with this man. What? I was standing on the Golden Gate Bridge. It's like he took me to San Francisco in a backpack, man. Oh, what? He does. Even your own partner, who you defended,

is asking you what the fuck you're... Hey, for the second time on stage, I thought you did great. Just, you know, work on some funny shit. Kirk's bringing it back. So, Akash, let's find out something that, you know, who are you? Well, my name's Akash. I moved here. You got to start somewhere.

Of course you give the worst possible answer. Right from the get. You're batting a thousand, Akash. Thank you. I'm a business student. I moved to LA two and a half months ago. Just needed a break. Came down.

Where'd you move from? From East Bay. Gotcha, yeah. East Bay. Are you from the East Bay? Or are you just... Oh, where at? San Ramon. No shit. I'm from Pleasanton.

Oh my god! That shirt would be so less cool if it said straight out of Pleasanton. Did you walk to LA? Yeah, actually. It goes both ways. I came down. I literally just needed a break.

I have a tech business back home, and I operate a restaurant. Is that what your dad does? My dad, he started it, and I've been managing and operating the stores for a while, and it got to a point of self-sustainability, and I was like, you know what? I'm starting my MBA soon. You just got tired of making his money. In a nutshell, no. I mean, it was fun.

It was just, I'm 23. I just want to do something different. That's so fun. What else do you do for fun? Dude, this fool is rich. That's why he's not interesting, you know? Horse of truth on that one. Look out for you diehard fans.

You know you love it. The horse comes out when something super honest has been said. I'm a dancer. I've been dancing my entire life. Here we motherfucking go. It's that button. The bottom right. Oh, shit.

What? Tony, this guy must be so fucking rich. Oh, yeah. Whatever dance he did, he's used to charming snakes, obviously. I'm pretty sure I saw King Cobra come out of his lady's glass in the front. Wow, Akash. Did your parents teach you how to dance? Is that what you do on the dance floor?

I've never danced to five seconds of live music before. By the way, I totally thought that everybody... I was excited and I was looking at Brian's board here while he's bringing up a song, right? And I heard you guys playing. I'm like, oh, that's cool. The crowd's going crazy. There's no way he's dancing to that music.

And I turn this way and you're already just doing this fucking shit. Where are you from? What nationality are you? I'm Indian. Indian? Oh, so that music was fucking top ten. Yeah, that's... Oh, yeah.

Next time, if I have a real song, I'll do it. What would be a real song that you would really dance to right now? It's right in front of me. Oh, perfect. Woo! You just... It's right poker matches. That's on the playlist.

It's not number one. What kind of dancing do you do? When I was in college, I did Bhangra. It's an Indian dance. I did that competitively. It's a lot of movement. It's like, it's like, it's like pop locking? No, it's um, just play a beat, I'll just do something, honestly. Tony that's

thank you wow dude now if you did that joke while you were doing that dance yes then you got something you just gotta physicalize

that fucking Pokemon joke you need a microphone on a headset and you just gotta physicalize that fucking Pokemon joke you need a microphone on a headset and you need to be doing that continuously while talking about the exact same dog shit you were talking about before if you match that up with bad jokes people are just gonna go crazy you do that competitively

like there's three or four guys trying to win that competition yeah that's what I want Competitively? Like there's three or four guys trying to win that competition? Yeah. Yeah. That's what I want. I want to see the guys that don't win. Right.

Imagine. There's actually a huge circuit. I mean, like major universities around the country, they all have teams. Where do they take place? On the top of a moving train? Ever. I actually just came back from hosting a show in Houston, so they're all over the country. UCLA has one.

Wait, Jamar, you reacted to Houston. What was that? No, okay, so you do that dance, but when they played the music the first time, you start to pop lock. How come you just didn't do that dance first? I didn't even recognize the beat. I don't know what you guys were doing. There was a rhythm and then there wasn't.

Have you ever danced at any urban? No offense. It was always a rhythm. I didn't catch on. I didn't catch on at first. Don't believe your second place dancing on our music, okay? Do you listen to any urban music? I'm sorry, what was that? Do you listen to any urban music? I'm sorry, what was that?

Do you listen to any urban music, or are you mostly just urban music? So stupid. Thank you, Joel. I feel like you've been sitting on that one for a while. No, no. No, I just thought of it immediately off the top of my super fast brain. Before you go, before you go, because we've seen a lot. If there was someone in here that wanted to get into competitive Indian dancing,

I mean, how would that, like if I was like, fuck, I think this could be what I want to be doing. Yeah. Do you go to a school or you just start practicing on the streets with friends? The top of a... No, there's schools, there's classes, there's like formal environments where you can learn. Learn how to do that.

Who's the best at that? Like who's like the greatest of all time? who's the best at that like who's like the greatest of all time who's the drake who's the guy you're trying to topple um there are a couple canadian teams that are actually really really good what yeah it's weird so do you have a team you have some friends that i did i went to school in boston so i started a team there what's like your finishing move is there like some crazy thing that you know how to do? Yeah, actually. You jump down into squats and jumps. It's basically all the energy you have left.

You probably can't do it here with short ceilings, right? No, he'd go right through that fucking roof. Sure. If you guys want to see it, that's fine. Yeah, we're not here for the comedy. Go ahead. Close strong, Akash. Here we go. Watch the speaker. Make ahead. Go ahead. Close strong, Akash. Here we go. Watch the speaker.

Make sure you don't... Fuck yeah. Akash Yadar, everybody. Yeah. There you go, Akash Yadar everybody yeah there you go Akash Yadar second time on stage having fun dancing

fiddler on the train that guy's amazing fuck yeah that guy's gonna do just fine well yeah he's got his dad's company I mean he's totally gonna do fine he's already a slumdog millionaire. He's on Twitter at Akash Who.

That's A-K-A-A-S-H Who. Akash. You'll write that down, right? Yeah. I want to look into that dance. If you have trouble remembering the spelling of that, just remember that the Indian guy has an A-K in the beginning of his name.

Because they do things sometimes, I think. There's some of them terrorists are Indians, too, all right? All right, I said it. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Again, this looks like another new name on the show. I'm excited. Put your hands together for Kyle Wassell. Fuck yeah! Kyle missed his

spot. That sucks. That's what you get, you piece of shit. I pulled another name out of the bucket. How about Mike DeVore? I just found out that I look like a lesbian. I got that going for me. I found out a few weeks ago, I was walking to a bathroom.

As I'm walking in, a woman's walking out the woman's bathroom, and she held the door open for me. I didn't want to be rude, so I went in and sat down. I'm pissed like the strong, beautiful woman I look like. I live with my in-laws, and my mother-in-law she cooks all of our meals for free but she still charges me a dollar for guacamole. I'm in the Navy and people get surprised when I say that because like wow that body defends our freedom. I get it. I get it. They want Seal Team 6, not Walrus Team 7. Fuck yeah, Mike DeVore. Wow. Very funny.

What is that song that you always play? I hear it in my nightmares. I know, same here. What is that from? Is that an original? It's an original. We wrote that one. Man, I feel like sometimes you give up

the original character after one comedian, but I feel like tonight you just sort of got stuck, huh? Oh, yeah. Mike, you're so funny. How long have you been on stand-up? Two and a half years.

That's great. Where are you from? San Diego. So cool. So fun. Mike just had me down to Madhouse Comedy Club two weekends ago

in San Diego. Good shit. He killed it. Reagan killed it. Fuck yeah. How long, are you still in the Navy? Yeah, until tomorrow.

Wow. Congratulations. Fuck yeah! fuck yeah how long are you still in the Navy yeah until tomorrow wow congratulations fuck yeah do they know you're gone do they know you're gone yeah I think so not like it's cool though like

they can do their thing how long you been in the Navy seven years wow did you go anywhere crazy yeah I went to Arabian Gulf twice like I was part of the ship that kicked Osama bin Laden off.

When we did the burial, see, I was on that ship. He tried to get on the ship. He tried to. Wow. Did you see them push him into the water? No, I didn't see it. I found out on CNN. Do you think they really did?

I was on the ship. I found out on CNN because I was working. So you're on the ship, but you're not allowed on the ship? Yeah, pretty much. So wait a second. You're on the ship, and you found out, and you knew Bin Laden was on the ship, right? Yeah.

So you're like, this ship is so important for one reason, because Bin Laden's on it, right? No. And then you find out they threw him overboard, basically, into the water, let him float away on their own little special ritual thing, whatever those people do. And then...

But you're on the ship, and you don't even know what's going on up on deck. No, it all happened in the morning. That's like everybody being on the ship and being like, hey, dude, how great was that huge viewing of Goodfellas we just had on the deck of this ship because it was the only thing to do on the ship.

You're like, what? I wasn't there. His dead body was on you guys' ship? That's what we were told. Wow. That's what you were told. Unless somebody's been lying. Tony, I really like it when you do wordplay on this show. You do? They should have let...

I think it's fucked up they didn't let everybody kick that nigga. Alright, piss on it, whatever. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. We totally should have. It's so true. Who the fuck am I in a Navy for? I'm just surprised you had a TV in your room. I was surprised too.

We got a flat screen and everything. Really? On a Navy ship? Yeah. What? I have to rethink some shit. Not competitive dancing, but I should be. The name of it, it was a Marriott shipyard.

Whoa, whoa. Can you even? See, Red Band, what is up with you attacking me and Power Reagan with your sounds, man? Hey, your body does look like you got your titties duct taped down. What nationality are you? Filipino. Wow. All the way?

No, half Filipino, half white. I don't think that's the right... I'll take it. I'll take it. It's close. But you're living with your wife and her parents? Yeah. So the Navy doesn't pay much?

No, it pays. We're just saving money. What does your wife do? She actually just joined the Navy. She just joined the Navy? Gotcha! Gotcha! How old is your wife?

29. And just now joined in the Navy? Yeah. Shit. Why didn't you talk her out of it? I wanted her to find out for herself. Find out for herself what? No, just like she wanted to do it. So I was just like find out for herself. Find out for herself what? No, just like she wanted to do it.

So I was just like, go for it. She married you and said, fuck it, I'm going to the sea. Yeah. Trying to get a seaman. Is there any way I can get out of this house for seven years? Wow. Yeah, go on. What kind of things do you do there?

In the Navy? Yeah. Yeah, like I was an Intel specialist. What's that? Are we broadcasting this live? Yeah, like no, I'm Intel. I work in Intel. Oh, cool.

So like computers? Yeah, pretty much. No, I'm just like a classified CNN reporter. Oh. Yeah. Really? Oh, okay. And what are you going to do now?

Work at a door at a comic club on top of a mall. That's amazing. So, wow, that's fucking crazy. What drove you to do comedy? Oh, fucking depression, dude. I hated the Navy. Right. Yeah, like I just got tired of my job, like what I was in charge of and everything,

so I was just like wanting to pursue comedy. Were you funny in the Navy? Yeah. Oh, okay, cool. You didn't like your job because you were in charge of intelligence everything, so I was just like, wanted to pursue comedy. Were you funny in the Navy? Yeah. Oh, okay, cool. You didn't like your job because you were in charge of intelligence? Pretty much. No, not in charge of intelligence. I was just not happy with where I was at in the Navy.

This wasn't for me. I just got tired of working for a bunch of other people. I mean, are we going to be okay now that you're not in the Navy? Everything's cool, guys. Everything's cool. My wife has to watch. She's good. That's so cool that you're not in the Navy? Everything's cool, guys. Everything's cool. My wife has to watch. She's good. That's so cool that you're retiring tomorrow. Pat and Jeremiah have been out of intelligence

since they were born. You know how to nail it, don't you? Anyway, tell us something else interesting about you, Mike. You're in the Navy. Your wife's about to have sex with a bunch of dudes on a ship. What else? Get it, dude.

Get that shit, homie. Like, not, uh, what else? Uh, not like, um. Acting like you wouldn't cry. Is there a lot of homosexuality in the Navy? A lot of gay shit, yeah. Really? Yeah.

It's gay as fuck, man. Like, you seem happy when you said that. It was fine. It was camaraderie. But don't. Hey, no homo, don't Navy SEALs got really tight asses? How do they get the dick in? I don't know.

I think you're lying to me. There ain't no gay shit going on. The affirmation's classified. I don't know. You only have one more day. I think you can just let it out. Mike, what's your family like? Which one's the Filipino?

Which one's the white? My mom's Filipino. My dad's white. They're divorced. Oh, really? Was your dad in the Navy? No, he was in the Army. Oh, so you Was your dad in the Navy? No, he was in the Army. Oh, so you, like, rebelled.

No, like, I joined the Navy because I was about to get fired from Costco. Oh, shit. What? God damn it. That's actualized. That's real. That's usually how it happens. No, I joined, like, in 2009, like, when, like, the recession hit.

And, like, all my buddies, they got fired from Costco. And they were struggling finding a job. I was like, fuck it. I'll just join the Navy, figure out what's up. Do you ever have post-traumatic stress when you see bulk grocery items from working at Costco? No, but this is what happened. It's so much funnier than anybody gave it credit for, by the way.

Nothing. What was more dangerous, Costco or the Navy? What was the sound effect on that one, Rip? It is a one-way street huh come on come on come on come on there was this one like uh so uh my first uh duty station was up in washington i was there for three years and then like when i went down to san diego i had some time between commands so i went back to work for costco for a few weeks and then like while i was working there i almost got like attacked like and like i was like this guy like about a boss no like by this

like this dude like by over by a obnoxiously long receipt no okay go on no just like he just uh like he just he just snuck into costco and then like uh we kicked him out and then like as we're escorting him out like he comes up to me and just starts reaching into his pants like he's about to grab something. Like a weapon. And he just fucking starts coming up to me. He's like, you gonna do something? I'm like, nah.

And he left. And I was just like, man, I'm about to fuck... I just served two fucking tours. I didn't get killed and now I'm about to get killed in Costco. Who starts a fight at Costco? This dude. What is he, the Incredible Bulk? I was going to get one of these

damn Costco jokes to work, and if that's the one, then we never get to talk about Costco on this show. I've been saying that for years. But that guy who was going to attack you did have a Costco card. No, he didn't.

Oh, he snuck in. Oh, he sneaks into Costco. What race was he? Black. Whoa. Did you hear how quickly he said that, by the way? Nigga, was it me? Come at me now.

Is there a lot of drinking in the Navy? There's a lot of drinking, yeah. Fucking a lot of drinking. I used to want to work at Costco so bad. Like when they had like $9 an hour, and that was like dope-ass salary when you was 18. I cried when they didn't hire me. A lot of drinking at Costco, too, right?

A lot of drinking at Costco, too. They have a lot of fun, right? Yeah. All right. Well, Mike DeVore, you met him here on Kill Tony. There he goes, everybody. It's Mike DeVore. Last day in the Navy tomorrow.

Come on. He's an American hero, you motherfuckers. Anything can happen. That's the crazy thing. Jesus Christ. You are on another level tonight, Jeremiah. What's different today than usual? Oh, dude, I saw Ghostbusters.

I think the vapors. I think the vapors are getting in his nose. Dude, it smells like Crayola on my face. Wait a second. What is that on your... Now it's starting to... That actually makes sense. You gotta keep that nose always.

We just find out that he's using house paint. Slowly getting poisoned. Dude, I had this house paint. I didn't have time to go to the professional face paint store. They're repainting the green room. My friend at Costco hooked me up. I pulled another name out of the bucket. We've seen this guy before.

Put your hands together for Steve Breeze. My DNA doesn't belong in a baby. Genetically or physically. So wear condoms, you guys. That's what I'm saying. Don't want to have your DNA somewhere in a child. I don't know. Weird joke to start off with. But I feel like if my uh sperm would ever come in contact with an egg it would just ruin someone's you know morning breakfast

believe it or not uh growing up i didn't know where the clitoris was for the longest time i asked one of my friends, and he was like, you should go ask a black kid, and I never did. I just always assumed it was in, like, a hood someplace. And technically, it's not wrong. It's just in the hood of the vagina. Let's see. I'm pretty depressed right now.

You know, that's a fucking thing. I've been standing there thinking about death. Can't wait to die. It's gonna be fun. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. At some points there, your dreams came true, Steve. And Steve, I don't know if you've thought about this,

but tomorrow there's an opening in the Navy. That is so great. You're already dressed the part, Steve. What's happening? So that's interesting. The sperm and the egg thing was good. What'd you close with there? What was that?

I can't wait to die. Right, yeah. Where's that coming from? Dude, that's my favorite closer, man. I can't wait to die. Thank you, everybody. Good night. Bye.

Where's this coming from, Steve? What, the line? Yeah. It's actually an opener joke that I've used. Really? Yeah. You just say, I want to die? I can't wait to die.

Oh. And then what? It's a joke about wanting to be a good ghost, haunting the studio part that I would do. When you said it's under the hood of the vagina, you sounded like somebody who had just learned what a vagina was at the time. I was like, well, technically it is under the hood. And then there was this weird silence,

everybody's like, yeah, uh-huh. Yeah. Did you guys know about this hood? Am I right, people? Yeah. There's a hood there. I didn't know there was a hood in the vagina. I was looking up.

I was actually looking up what the vagina was one day. Well, it's the equivalent of foreskin, right? What? It's the male equivalent of foreskin. Like skin covering the sensitive part. You know what I mean? It's like the hooded part. The top part. I don't know. It It's like the hoodie part, the top part.

I don't know. It just sounds like you're having sex with dudes, man. Or, you know. The foreskin. I didn't know that was the foreskin. You know how pussy has foreskin, you know? Yeah. I mean, you could call any hanging skin foreskin.

No, it specifically is covering the sensitive dick tip pussy hole thing. Pussies and vaginas are just... I mean, vaginas are just like dicks that haven't grown. What? Oh my God. I thought that was just pussy. Clits. Clits specifically.

Yeah, you inferior women. Your pussy is just a not grown up dick So at what age does the vagina become a dick? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait We have to hold on a second here Pussies are just dicks that haven't grown Is the greatest thing I've ever heard in my entire life That makes sense

I usually try and get out quick Before they grow They get hard I mean Do vaginas get hard? Clitorises do, clits get hard Clits turn into little ball bearings This is true

Are you talking about Maybe it's a tour de France Have you ever had one of the balls pop out, Pat? One of the balls pop out? Not yet. Pat, have you ever seen a vagina turn into a dick? Turn into a dick? No.

But you just have heard it. No, I just look at a vagina, and I look at a dick, and I see the similarities. It's good, man. I'm glad you finally fucking said that out loud. That's the first step towards just coming out and being who you are, man. Everywhere you look, you're seeing dicks. That's a good sign.

Steve Breeze. If you think about it, a pussy is just a malnourished dick, you know? Come on, man. Steve Breeze. I like this style. It's a little bit. Steve, why...

Let me ask you this. Why are you dressed like you deliver pizzas on a submarine? I don't have many clothes, dude. This is what I got. You always go with the hat, huh? That's a thing you do. You rock the hat and the glasses. I kind of missed a little bit of the joke at the top

because you were looking down and you kind of mumbled it. At least when you come out here, just believe in what you're selling and at least vocalize it. I didn't even hear my name. I was really... But the fact that even if you didn't hear your name, eventually you were standing up here. Yeah, very true. I should have looked at everybody. That's a good thing to make eye contact.

You got to look up, take in the room And then just fucking tell them you wanna die Do you think that's like a self-defeatist attitude that he had? You just keep thinking about vagina dick I was asking a question about the stand-up I thought maybe some stand-ups do that No, he was just a little nervous But you don't need to be, man. You got a lot to say.

What do you do for work? Right now I work at a spa. A spa? Yeah. Whoa, what are you doing there other than being creepy outside the door? You work at a spa? Yeah, I work at a spa. Fuck yeah.

I avoid looking at a lot of dick and... Sounds like pretty much that. What kind of spa? It's a Russian spa. You got the outfit for that. What is it? A bunch of steam rooms and stuff? Steam rooms and saunas.

Branches? Branches, yeah. The Bennett's. Nice. Good for you. What's that? You beatches, yeah. The Bennets. Nice. Good for you. What's that? You beat them with branches. The Russians that are bad,

their friends beat the fuck out of them. Do you do any of the branch beatings? Yeah, all the time. Really? Yeah. You hit men with branches? Yeah. Wow.

They like it? I don't know. Do you have to say something sometimes when you hit them with the branches? I don't really talk a lot. Take that. Did you say take that, Jesus of Nazareth? I'm going to beat that.

I'm going to beat your dick back into a vagina. I try to avoid hurting anyone. I had a washer do today. We give baths too. Oh, Jesus. This is like the saddest person. Are you sure you're working in a spa? Oh, yeah. hurting any like I tried I had a washer do today like we had we give baths to oh Jesus this is like the saddest person are you sure you're working in a spa oh yeah totally

how much would it cost how much would it cost if I dropped Pat and Jeremiah off there tomorrow get these guys a couple baths I'm pretty sure that paint's not coming off Jeremiah's face probably 300 400 dollars wow now I noticed that there was a baths. I'm pretty sure that paint's not coming off Jeremiah's face. Probably $300, $400. Wow.

Now, I noticed that there was a range there. You see, we're a couple of gems, don't we? Do you have a repeat business? Certain guys show up a couple times a week. Yeah, all the time. Some people come every day. They just have a lot of money. I feel like that's... I don't know. Jeremiah, you ever think of... They speak Russian.

I really don't understand it. Do you speak Russian? No. You just fucking... You got the branch? I just got the branch. They're like, come hit me. And then I go do that. Fuck.

Do you like Russian people? Yeah, they're fine. I don't like Russian people. Does anyone, when you're bathing them, ever... So stupid. Does anyone, when you're bathing them, ever sort of been like a dick or something? Like, you know, scrub it better or been like a dick or something Like you know

Scrub it better or anything like that And the branches have leaves on them right People who are more They usually have the women do And they're like the I don't know I feel like I don't know what's going on

Do you have some jokes about that No not yet You should start writing some jokes about it The only thing I have about that Is I saw a famous guy's penis And that's all I've really That's penis, and that's all. That's the only thing that's really happened there that's worth talking about. Well, you do know that penis used to be a vagina.

Yeah, yeah. It's a famous Russian guy? Huh? Famous Russian guy? No, he's a famous singer. Oh. Will you give us some more clues? We're dying here.

Is it John B? Huh? dying here. Is it John B? John B. Is it John B? Same initials, but I don't know. I feel like I don't want to tell. It was Justin Bieber. I saw Bieber's tag. Oh. Oh. Did you beat him with the bridge?

No. I just made him juice. Was this at the spa? Or just out in the world? I don't know. It was in the locker room, and I just bent down to put a towel down, and then just whipped his underwear. Did you have to pull Usher out of his ass?

Usher? Yeah, fuck you, Bieber. You heard it right here. Usher was taking a nap the other day. Just hanging out. Nice dick? Yeah, he just came in, passed out, and that was it. He took a nap the other day. Nice dick? Yeah, he just came in, passed out and that was it.

He took a nap where? On a chair. At a spa. Not in a steam room or a sauna or anything. Just in a lobby. He just walked in a room. Was he there with friends? No, he just walked in by himself.

Justin Bieber. Usher walked in by himself. Bieber comes with a couple guys. I bet he does. He comes. Is this the one down on Beverly? No, it's in West Hollywood. Oh, fuck. Jamar, would you ever want to get a bath from this guy?

How dare you, first of all. That is not right. Put Snoop back in his cage. No. No, that's okay. It does seem weird. Like, if you gave me a bath, I feel like I would need a shower right afterwards.

I tell everybody to take a shower. That's so gay. You scrub, you scrub, loofah, you do the whole shit. Fuck, I'll do it. right afterwards. I tell everybody to take a shower. That's so gay. It's part of the job. You scrub, you scrub, loofah, you do the whole shit. Yeah, the whole thing. Fuck, I'll do it. Give it a shot.

Fuck yeah, dude. He looks strong, clean. Do you keep the stocking hat on when you do that? I wish, yeah. Little feet in case you walk on my back. Steve, what else? You can work on some jokes while you're bathing me I can tell we can totally talk fuck yeah Wow anything else interesting about your life special skills talents anything like that not really magician no no

nothing really nothing at all I can't really think of anything I don't you got a girlfriend no no I just been living here. I still sleep on the floor. You know you can live here and have a girlfriend at the same time. Yeah, I know. I just sleep on a floor. I don't feel great about my life. By choice?

Could you sleep in a bed? Right now there's not enough space in the apartment. For you and your branches? You sleep on a floor. I mean, what are you complaining about? Justin Bieber obviously sleeps in a chair in a lobby at a spa. Usher. Usher.

Oh, I gotcha. Yeah, Bieber pulled the chair out. Sort of crazy. All right, forget it. It's crazy that Usher's coming in Taking naps What's weird to me is that Usher Stayed in the lobby Oh he made it in

And then just slept in a random room In a chair I know people fall asleep all the time at work I'm about to right now. That's true. And with that, Steve Brees, ladies and gentlemen, there he goes. I'm pretty sure Jeremiah is on whatever Brock Lesnar was on last week. There's something.

We're getting like a 40% increase version of Jeremiah tonight. Pulled another name out of the bucket. 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to david neiman Hi, guys. I'm David Neiman. I'm 24, and I've been 40 for like three years. And that's bad. I lost my hair because I got cancer. I hope. Because otherwise, I mean, you would think beating cancer would be good enough. But still, I just want to not be a bald person. I just want to be a bald cancer person not just a bald person it'd be nice to tell somebody you want to have kids with me hey look it was I I I had cancer it's not I don't have bald genes I just have cancer genes right um and I'll close with that

thanks very much wow alright bailing out on it I love that David nice to meet you how long have you been on stand up I was doing like open mics every week last year

but then I got a job and I haven't been doing it for a year so just one year I guess't been doing it for a year. So just one year, I guess. Shut the fuck up. So you did it for a year. Every answer is so critical. And then quit for a year. Yeah, so I took a break for a year. So what's so funny about it?

What do you mean critical? David, you did know this was taped in front of a live studio audience, right? I get the show. Yeah, no, I did it for a year and then I took a break. Where do you work? What's that? I get the show. Yeah, no, I did it for a year, and then I took a break, and now I'm... Where do you work? What's that? I work at UCLA. What do you do there?

For dermatology, the dermatology clinic in Santa Monica, I'm the patient access coordinator. Patient access coordinator. So I basically schedule surgeries and accommodate patients and stuff. And you had cancer? I did have cancer.

I had thyroid cancer. Wow. How old were you when you got hit with that? Was I? How old were you when that happened? I was 20 years old when I got hit. 20 years old. Were you smoking cigarettes?

A little bit. I was smoking more weed than cigarettes. Right. Yeah. That's a bad thing to say in front of a podcast. Hi, guys. Hi, mom. That's not where you got it from, right? No, I hope not. Oh, I. Yeah, it's a bad thing to say in front of a podcast. Hi, guys. Hi, Mom. That's not where you got it from, right?

No, I hope not. Oh, I. Yeah, it's not from Smoking Pot. How long did you have to go through that for? That was a couple months. I actually got surgery pretty fast. It was just the recovery that took a little bit of radiation and then that. But now I'm fine.

Did you film a special after that? Thank you. Thank you. What special after that? Thank you. What's that? Oh, yeah. No, I mean, I had something to tell people like, oh, and I did this and had confidence that they would go, oh, this I didn't really have in my life before. Did you have hair before cancer?

Yeah, I did. Yeah. I don't anymore. So cancer took your hair? Cancer took my Well the radiation took my hair Cancer just took It won't give it back

No it won't Fuck cancer is a dick Is that why you got the job at UCLA? Trying to find it? Are you trying to track it down still? Where is my hair? It's over there I'm gonna get my hair. Did cancer take your jokes?

Now, I did notice, this is very interesting, and I think that's coming from someone who's so stupid. And you don't think my boy Paddy Reagan can bring the fire? Now, I noticed something really interesting As you walked on stage you handed

What Pat Reagan a Rubik's Cube I did hand Pat Reagan a Rubik's Cube What was up with that Is it filled with cancer It's filled with cancer Cancer cube Be careful don't solve that fucking cube Don't do it.

It's got six different shades of cancer. No, I brought a Rubik's Cube because three months ago I was watching a Kill Tony show and Pat was just like, I'm sick of this mongoloid belly room bullshit. And I was like, that's a guy who likes to think he's smart. So I was like, he'll enjoy the Rubik's Cube that I can do. Wow. But also you're asking about talents and stuff when people

have any talent special skills. So I thought, I'll bring a Rubik's Cube. That's a talent special The Rubik's Cube? You can do a Rubik's Cube. Yeah. How fast? Pretty fast. What's your record? My record? I'm not going to do it now. Did I ask going to do it like now.

No, did I ask you to do it now? My record is 13.4 seconds. Mix it up. Mix it up, Pat. Pat, mix it up. It's already done. 13.4 seconds.

Let me mix it up. Pat, why would you throw a Rubik's Cube at a guy that had cancer? Jesus. What the fuck? Why would you do that? How many seconds to undo a bra strap?

I'm so retarded to solve Rubik's cubes. How many seconds to undo a bra strap? It's like, what do you think, people who went to fucking MIT are solving Rubik's cubes? No, it's unemployed fucking losers. I'm not touching that fucking cancer cube. Retards can do Rubik's I was doing it right now

oh wow it's already happening yeah there you go. Wait a sec. Wait, wait. Wait a second. And you can't make your hair grow back? Fuck, dude.

Wow. Amazing, David. That was incredible, that Rubik's Cube. I'm open with that. Any other special skills or talents? Yeah, I mean, I play piano. I played more when I was a kid, but I'm trying to get back into it. So I do do that.

Do you play piano really fast? Here's a very tiny piano I'm going to pull out of my pocket. I can hot air balloon ride. Where are you from, David? I'm from here. I'm born and raised in Los Angeles. I grew up in Studio City. Fuck yeah. Awesome. Work at UCLA.

Girlfriend? No. Girlfriend? No. Boyfriend? No. Anything weird going on down there from the cancer? Anything at all? No. Any weird side effects? Do you still have your pubes?

No. It's six different colors, but other than that. I'm looking at your shoes. Do you watch dishes, too? No. Why? Are they dirty? Yeah, those look like kitchen shoes, bro.

I like those shoes. Yo, that was low-key insulting, man. I like them. Huh. I don't know. David, anything else interesting about you personality-wise or anything like that? You ever do anything crazy? Did I ever do anything crazy?

I mean, I'm sure I did some stuff. Yeah, because I was like a dumb teenager so i was in hawaii for a swim camp because i was a swimmer when i was in high school that's not interesting but uh i was a swimmer when i was in high school so i we did cliff diving in hawaii right where you walk up like the cliff next to the beach and you jump off but we walked really really far so i was like does this story have cancer yeah Go on. So you walked off and walked off the shore there? Yeah, so I walked like half a mile

because it was just a really gradual decline and I jumped off and I was swimming back and I was like, I don't want to swim all this way back. Speaking of gradual decline,

how long is this story? I mean, I already made a joke about the story. They're brutal. They're brutal. Yeah, so I walked really far. I didn't want to swim. And then I just said, no, I'm just going to climb up this volcanic whatever rock wall like 50 feet up.

And that didn't work out. And I fell and I cut my foot. And I had to swim like half a mile back in Hawaii. And I was afraid there were sharks. And my foot was like bleeding like crazy. So it was really scary. Wow. Wow. Glad you made it, man.

I know niggas that kill people. What was that, Jamiro? I know niggas that kill people. There's a word to the word. I think you're funny and likable. I think you're going to be alright. If you can just leave that Rubik's Cube at home. You know, I would have loved to have seen, you know,

heard more from the real you. You've got to let it rip. I don't know. I don't know. Just, you know, something. You know, it's got to come from your thyroid gland or something like that. You know what I mean? You've got to have, it's got to come from your thyroid gland or something like that. You know what I mean?

It's got to come from a special part. Thank you, Joel. Thanks, Joel. David Neiman, everybody. The old one. Fuck yeah. We're almost there. Woo! Almost there. Hey, I know this guy.

We all do. We love him. One of the great comedians, rising comedians in the world. Put your hands together for Billy Bonnell. Oh, shit. Oh, damn. Billy. Billy.

Yeah. Hey. Okay. Do you guys want to live forever? Isn't it weird it's almost always overwhelmingly no? That's how I know depression's real. If you ask a regular group of people if they want to live forever, they're like, fuck no, 180 tops.

That's weird. Harvard Medical School thinks the first person to live to 200 has already been born and i want to believe it but there's some holes in the story it's like you're gonna keep a guy alive till 200 but you guys still have a group of doctors standing around somewhere just going what the fuck are hiccups they don't know there's still doctors like what's an appendix do and everyone's like we don't know but you can take it out they figured that out that must be the best day in medical technology history there's just a bunch of doctors standing around

in fucking 1780 a dude has a stomach ache they're like what do you want to do and they're like cut him open we don't have x-rays yet and one renegade doctor's like let's cut it out they're like we don't know it seems important it's on the fucking inside and he's like I let's cut it out. They're like, we don't know. It seems important. It's on the fucking inside. And he's like, I'm going to do it.

You can't stop me. And then he did it. Fuck yeah. Billy Bonnell, ladies and gentlemen. How much time did I have left? You went over 10 seconds. 180 years. Really?

I didn't even see a meow. Oh, yeah. Or hear one. You know, you have even see a meow. Oh, yeah. Or hear one. You know, you have to hear the meow. That's the problem is we don't actually have a physical cat that comes out. Billy, you're friends with all of us. You're one of our funniest pals. That's fun.

You just work in that. Is that a new thing you're working on? Yeah. That's fun. It's just so hard to get stage time in L.A. I was like, I'll put my name in a bucket. Fuck yeah. I love it.

Fuck it. Bucket or fuck it. Billy, how long have you been in stand-up? Six, seven? Seven years. Seven years. Yeah. San Diego.

200 more. 200 more to go, yeah. Am I right about that? From San Diego? San Diego, yeah. I started in San Diego. I was in the Navy, too. That other guy was only in for a couple years.

I was in for 10 years, so fuck him. Wow. He was in for seven. Seven? Yeah. Still not as long as me. You understand? I hate him.

What did you do in there? Electronics technician. Video games? Which time do you get? Yeah, I played video games. But only because I had access. I'm not like a video game guy. But if it's like

do work or play video games, I made the right choice. When you were in the Navy as an electronics technician. Doesn't the Navy really sound not necessary? I think tonight is not a good showing from the navy at all no i'm kidding billy's saving it but typical navy you send out that you send out the bad soldiers first and then have everybody distracted it's different you'd be you'd have an argument if there's like an army

guy up here going i don't know what i did because they're like infantry right we're just on a boat and the computers do the work. And when the computer's not working, they go, can you fix it? And I'm like, I'll try. Did that work a lot? It seems like you're so funny that you couldn't possibly be that great at

fixing computers. And I mean that in the best way. I mean that as a compliment. Yeah, I was pretty good at it. I don't know how I could prove that. How did you. I mean, that is a compliment. Yeah, I was pretty good at it. How did you learn how to do that? How did you learn how to do that? I don't know. They sent me to school for a while.

Three years of my Navy time was just going to school. Wow. I was actually supposed to be a nuclear electronics technician, which they made a good call by not letting me do that. Yeah, you'd be like a real-life Homer Simpson. Yeah, but I committed a felony right before I went to the Navy. Oh, yeah.

So they said you can't do that anymore. What was your felony? Resisting arrest, assaulting a police officer, and felony evasion. Wow. Stemming from what? It seems like a lie. It's true I was resisting arrest because I was driving drunk

Were you resisting Or just playing hard to get Both How did that go down You just wanted to escape the situation No I got I was getting pulled over And I was really wasted so I decided to run I hid under a canoe for about five hours. They should have found me

under there because that's the number one thing cops do is look under stuff if you've ever seen an episode of Cops. If you're ever running from the cops and they lose sight of you for a second, they go, look under that thing. What were you under? A canoe? Yeah, I was laying under a canoe that was flipped upside down and I just heard them out there going, where'd you go?

I almost wanted to just be like, I'm under the canoe. The dream of the sea has always been in your blood. Ever since the canoe, I wanted to be under the canoe. It's funny how long they left me under there, and they never found me. Do you talk about this on stage? Maybe they knew you were under there, and they were all just looking at you. Were they around there for five hours going, where's this guy? Maybe about an hour, honestly.

And it was on dry land, obviously, and you just... I ran away and I took a right down an alley. I beat him by a little bit. I was a lot faster and skinnier then. And as everyone knows, in a small town in Texas, all the cops are fat as fuck. So I had the upper leg, both of them, and then... I just dove under a canoe because I was scared.

I didn't know how long I could run, and I just heard him out there going, where did he go? And the only thing that was there was that canoe. It was like a backyard. I'd never seen a canoe in Texas, so they didn't know what the fuck it was. We lived next to a river. We lived next to a river. The canoe made sense. They should have

They should have found me under there They were like Did a dog find you? Or like How'd they find you? No Did an Indian find you? Did I tell you this story before?

Mm-mm No How'd they find you? I talk about this in real life I don't know if I've ever Really told it on stage But I actually got kicked out of that party

From being an asshole Because that's how drunk people are And it was like a friend of a friend. They kicked me out of there. But when I was under the canoe, the lady who had kicked me out, she came out into the backyard where the cops were wondering where I was. And she goes, if he's out there, my dog will find him. True to life.

And I was under the canoe going, well, somebody's got to. You can't be under a canoe and people not go, lift it up. So I was under there And they didn't go No ma'am get back inside your house They're like well we're having trouble so bring the fucking dog out No way It was like a tiny dog This wasn't a bloodhound and it should have been because it was Texas

But it was like one of those shitty small dogs that look like cats And he did find me But he couldn't alert to it Like I felt his wet nose on my elbow Licking me No I just laid under there I fell asleep I woke up when the sun was coming up I came out

And I made the mistake of knocking on that same person's door Cause I went there with a girl and I needed a ride home They towed my car She called the police on me again and they took me to jail That's when I started resisting Wow Oh, shit. She called the police on me again, and they took me to jail. That's when I started resisting. Wow. They pepper sprayed me a bunch.

That timing, man. Yeah, and they threw me in a drunk tank for a while. My mom left me in there for... She left me in county jail for seven days to learn my lesson. Oh, shit. And ultimately, right before I went to the Navy, a month before I actually left for the Navy, and me going to the Navy got me out of all the charges. Right. So me going, I am I went to the Navy, a month before I actually left for the Navy, and me going to the Navy got me out of all the charges. So me going, I am definitely going to the Navy.

They dropped all the charges, and I had to pay almost $10,000 in fines. Isn't it so fitting that you ended up joining the Navy because you hid under a canoe? Yeah. Yeah. I love that. That's amazing.

A month before I left to go to the Navy, my mom got a DUI. Ah, who's hiding under the canoe now, bitch? Am I right? Did you leave her in county jail for seven days like she did to you? We didn't leave her in for seven days, but I was so mad at her from it

because it was so fresh that I said, I'm not coming to get you. She stayed in there for three days until she could get a hold of my older sister who lives in Sacramento. Wow. That's pretty fucked up. You made your sister drive from Sacramento?

Yeah, we barely talked. Dude. Dude, this is all so funny. You should definitely be talking about all this crazy true stuff. I would love to tell this story full form if I could just get on the Death Squad secret show, please. It's a good time. Welcome to show business. Stanley!

This is how it's done. I'm sorry. He hates it. Really putting Brian on the spot here. Should I try for two spots or just one? It's a long story. I'm not going to get it right the first time. I didn't really like his set today.

Whoa. I'm just kidding. I'll grow. On the Death Squad secret show. They call it the secret show because we hide it under a canoe. See, it already fits together. Billy, you're so likable.

You just have like this... You always perform like you're looking at a mountaintop or something. So beautiful out there, isn't it? Yeah. As long as it's a blue mountaintop because I like Coors Light. Whoa. Dropping his brand.

Billy really likes Ghostbusters. He's a huge Ghostbuster fan. Did you see the new Ghostbusters? I haven't. You have a Ghostbusters costume, don't you? Yeah, I did that one year. He has the whole thing, like the backpack and all this stuff. You mean you were it for Halloween? Yeah.

Now it's hanging in your bedroom, right? My day job is at Ghostbusters at Sony. Yeah. You haven't seen it, though? No, I haven't seen it. Yeah, I was out of town for the premiere, and then I haven't been able to... It's just wine tasting, man. What do you want me to say?

Is that true? You really work as a Ghostbuster? No. I do product development during the day because I'm so good at comedy that I have to use other jobs to pay rent. Tony, I like how for a quick moment

you're like, are ghosts real? No. I thought he said that's not what happened. He said that he works as a Ghostbuster at Sony I work for Ghostbusters at Sony You mean for the movie? T-shirts Product development

Gotcha Who wants a shirt? Dude, Slimer would love one Alright, Billy, you killed it So fun dude Slimer would love one alright Billy you killed it so fun there he is again Billy Bonnell follow him on Twitter at Billy Bonnell

let's do it let's close it out strong shall we we have a comedian who does a brand new minute every single week in a position that is not pulled out of the bucket. She writes and performs a brand new minute every single week as an experiment. We started her from scratch here, a nervous, shaking, innocent little thing. And here she is six months later with a brand new minute for you. It's Melissa Esslinger.

Yeah! I smoked a lot of cigarettes this weekend and today. Hell yeah. No, it's bad. I need to stop that. But this isn't where I was going with this. And today. Hell yeah.

No, it's bad. I need to stop that. But this isn't where I was going with this. Turns out that I didn't know I missed my babysitter. But Good Charlotte just had a new album come out. I was a little old to need a babysitter. Because Good Charlotte, I was into it when I was like 14. But, you know, wow, I really fucked up with the cigarettes. But, you know, fuck, I lost the track.

I forgot where it was going. Doesn't matter. Oh, I was, here's, I just want, I'm doing it. Oh, wait, that could get in trouble. I won't do that. Never mind. I was, because the lyrics, holy shit. I looked over for, I looked over for it. I looked over for it.

You were like, don't do that. No, I created that. Oh, I used too many. No, wait, wait, wait. When you. I'm still going. I just chose. I chose finger paint.

I didn't take this shit. Ah, damn it. I got two. I was really excited tonight. You're beautiful. Dude, I think she works at Joke Busters. Oh, son of a bastard. Fuck yeah.

All right. I mean, how many cigarettes do you think you smoked to cause two huge throat clears in 60 seconds? What are we talking about here? Did you blow the light camel or something like that? I didn't even realize that. I've been really quiet lately.

Did you fuck the Marlboro Man this weekend, Melissa? Isn't he dead? I'm just kidding. That went weird because I didn't know Jesus this seems like a good time to plug Billy Bonnell he makes the last comedian makes

hilarious videos with Greg Santos for Moss May Whore so check him out I wanted to plug it fuck yeah fuck yeah so yeah Melissa you didn't really talk about anything. Let's just take a second to absorb here for a little bit.

Do you want me to read exactly what I... Nope. I was going to do that. Still nothing, huh? Hey, wait. She's adorable. It is, huh? Hey, wait. Okay. What? She's adorable.

It is, right? But she can't contain it. She doesn't know why it works. No, I... Well, here's the thing. Obviously, that thing doesn't work, so you think you'd make an adjustment on that. I am. Wait, what the fuck are we talking about?

I don't know. It's all... Billy Bonnell's sketch group. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I... It's not funny anymore if I try to tell my jokes because now I like... Yeah, you had that whole 60 seconds thing.

That's sort of that... Yeah, there's that. That's sort of that whole thing. Fuck yeah. Melissa Esslinger with another new minute. There she goes. Melissa Esslinger. You're a star.

Good shit. Good shit. new minute. There she goes. Melissa Esselstyn. You're a star. Good shit. Look at tonight's drawing, everybody, from Ryan Chaibo. Yeah. Fuck yeah. That's un-fucking-believable. Oh, look at Jeremiah's lips. That is mind-believable. Look at Jeremiah's lips.

That is mind-blowing. He's got luscious lips. Fuck yeah. Ryan J. E. Belt's prints are at ryanjebelt.com. You can find the official Kill Tony poster there. You can also find it on the front patio after this show. Ryan J. E. Belt sells it himself right out of a fucking tube. We're all on the front patio after this.

Meet us all. Say hi. Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, or Reagan-A-Watkins. Hey, what's up, deep knobs and cunt lickers? The Eric Andre Show premieres August 5th on Adult Swim. Yeah. And Google search Pat Reagan, Eric Andre Show to see some awesome clips from past seasons. Yeah.

Joel Jimenez is on Twitter. Joel Jimenez at on Twitter. Joel Jimenez at Mostly Sorry. Jeremiah Watkins is at Jeremiah's Stand Up. And then Roast Battle is coming out at the end of this month on Comedy Central, people. That's true.

And a fun fact about Comedy Central's Roast Battle, not only is Jamar a huge part of that, the wave, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, what's going on? But also, I'm going to announce to you Kill Tony people right now that I'm one of the 16 contenders in the roast

battle for Comedy Central. Yeah. So, that's a big deal. Gonna go to Montreal and win that thing quite easily. Kirk, what do you got coming up? Anything crazy? At Kirk Fox, one of my favorite people on Twitter, and as is Jamar Neighbors.

Literally, I'm not just saying that. Two of my favorite Twitters right here. Always fun to be here, Tony. It was fun to be a part of it. Thank you, Kirk. You're the best. Jamar, anything else? No, man.

It was fantastic. I'll be at the roast battle. Yeah. And, yeah, I'm actually battling on Tuesday Oh really here tomorrow Tomorrow night Jamar neighbors fighting for his life At roast battle

Thank you so much live audience have a great night Thank you good night See ya I don't want no people, boy No, I'm on the streets, boy Better follow me, boy Downtown What you do, what you get, girl Don't ever forget, girl

Ain't seen nothing yet until you're Downtown Girl, ain't seen nothing yet until you're Downtown Girl, ain't seen nothing yet until you're Downtown All on the streets, boy, better follow me Downtown What you see is what you get Girl, don't ever forget Girl, ain't seen nothing yet until you're

Downtown Put the bullshit, get off my muck Stonewall's so wrong, I'm a pain like a cow you