KILL TONY - KILL TONY #168

Episode Date: August 16, 2016

Earl Skakel, Kirk Fox, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Jeremiah Watkins, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 08/01/2016 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This is Kill Tony. Don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Search the iTunes store for Kill Tony. Hit subscribe and rate and review the show. If you want to, you can also subscribe to Death Squad, which is all the podcasts that we do here at Death Squad, including Verbal Violence, where you have the new podcast that we just released,

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Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Brad Van. Coming to you live from the real famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Roast Battlers. Tony Hitchcliffe! Hi, everybody. Hello.

Happy Monday to you. How exciting. Yes, indeed. Hi, everybody. We are live, everyone. Hi. Make some noise. Come on. Oh, boy. Sounds good in here. Home sweet home. I woke up in Montreal this morning and flew here today, so it's good to be here. I feel great. How do you guys feel? It's a hot Monday. I love it. We're live right now to the many people

on Ustream And Periscope And a bunch of weird things That these young kids Are doing these days So I want to let you know Real quick Before we jump into everything

La Jolla Tulsa San Francisco Sacramento La Jolla Next week This weekend actually Coming up

In Boston's Wilbur Theater October 8th All those dates are TonyHinchcliffe.com That part's very important Tony I just want to say I was so proud of you Watching you on the roast battle Man it was so awesome To watch in Boston's Wilbur Theater, October 8th. All those dates are at TonyHinchcliffe.com. That part's very important. Tony, I just want to say I was so proud of you watching you on the roast battle, man. It was so awesome to watch.

You did a great job. I had so much fun. Comedy Central's roast battle, and so many to get to watch my friends who have built a show here that happens Tuesdays at midnight to get to watch what they did. It's amazing. I think you'll all find it hilarious.

If you like this show, you'll love Roast Battle. Check it out on Comedy Central, everyone. Put your hands together for that. Where did you get that big armor that you wore? I dressed up in a full suit of armor, which, by the way, I fucking fell in love with. I think I'm going to start doing it more often.

It feels good. It's my kind of thing. I think I wear it well. I think it agrees with me. I think it likes being worn by me. Th my kind of thing. I think I wear it well. I think it agrees with me. I think it likes being worn by me. Thick suits of armor. It felt fucking good. And by the way, you know what? Some people, somebody tried to talk me out of it.

They're like, you know, you might want to do it, but there's people, everybody's watching this. You might get cast, you know, they might want to cast you in like a sitcom. And look, you're dressing up like a knight. You should just go up as yourself. And I thought to myself, first of all, fuck, I don't want to be in a sitcom.

Right? You sure about that? And then it hit me. I want to be cast as a fucking knight. That's what I want to do. If I'm going to be cast as anything, put me in fucking Game of Thrones. Let's do this.

Well, they only have one season left, man. Turns out they had another little bastard Lannister all along. The first one. How about that storyline? Oh, thank you. Thank you, Brian. Thank you. Back to the sitcom. We are live, everyone. Welcome to

Kill Tony. Jamie Vernon is he died over the weekend. He's not working. Just kidding. He didn't die. That didn't get even a giggle. That was weird. Almost felt like I was misinforming people of a death. House artist Ryan J. Ebel is here. He has a blank sheet of paper in front of him.

He's going to draw tonight's episode. You're going to see it at the end of the episode. And if you stick around on the front patio after the show, we always hang out. You can see him there or buy the official Kill Tony poster drawn by Ryan J. I have it up in my living room. It's the coolest fucking poster in the world. Let's just jump right into it, shall we? You guys ready to meet the band?

The Kill Tony band? Put your hands together. They're the fucking best. It's Reagan and Watkins, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Oh, they are fighting over the White House. Wow. My favorite thing.

Every week, they come out with a different introduction. One of the fun things that a lot of people might not know if you're a fan of the show is that I never ever plan what they're going to do. I never know what they're going to do. It's something that I like to improvise off of. I don't approach them before the show. We don't even really say hi to each other. And they go do their thing and this week, because by the way this is a live podcast

and it's mostly just audio listeners there you go they came out as Donald Trump and definitely Hillary Clinton that looks exactly like Hillary Clinton Joel Jimenez. He's the White House.

He's the White House. Or the Brown House. Because he's Mexican as fuck. Thank you, Joel. Trump, you are looking Trumpy tonight. Tony, it's great to be here. I cannot believe I have the presidential candidates on this show. They thought roast battle was having a breakthrough.

How about kill Tony? Presidential candidates. Tony, I heard the show was rough last week, so I'm here to make the show great again. There was a... It was so bad without you. It was unbelievable. So thank you, Donald.

Hillary, how are you? How's the candidacy going? Oh, I'm good. Just trying to get people to like me. Oh, see what... Wow. See, what I love about this the most is that Trump sounds like Trump, and Hillary sort of sounds like Pat Reagan. It's almost impeccable that Hillary, you're such a big fan of the show,

that you learned how to do a Pat Reagan impression. You have to admit, she's a beautiful woman. She's a beautiful woman. I'm actually surprised to hear you say that, Donald Trump, because it doesn't seem like something you would say. You know, I'm a big fan of Pat Reagan. Big fan. And if I could say one more thing, Mr. Trump, while we're raving about Roast Battle and its wild success this weekend,

I have to say that most comedians and most of the funniest people in the world will tell you that the funniest part of that show is a thing called The Wave, which is three guys that come up and react to the jokes. Donald Trump, you are a spitting image of my pal

Jeremiah Watkins, who actually pulled off in many people's and executive producers' and network heads' opinions was the most diabolical thing ever. He shaved his pubes last night

on air, on live TV. A joke, a roast joke on somebody was so funny that he shaved his pubes. It was live, and we had to make history, you know. And then Mike Lawrence put it on his beard. He was so happy he put it on his beard.

And then hugged Sarah Tiana and there was a little piece on her head that she didn't even know about. It's true. Those pubes spread fast. Brian will let you know by crushing the comedic energy to bring it up. There you go. who is this guy China I mean am I right let's meet tonight's guest

shall we you guys ready for this shit huh if you're a fan of the show then you're gonna love tonight's show it's a return of two of our favorite guests in the world. Put your hands together for Kirk Fox and of roast battle fame, Earl Skakel. Fuck yeah.

Fuck yes! Earl Skakel, I have been with you all week in Montreal, and you, my friend, were un-fucking-believable. He took out Jimmy Carr, who was the returning champion of last year, and that's like comparable. It was like Diaz-McGregor. I mean, you took down a beast. Well, everyone has a game plan until they get hit in the face.

That's right. And you took them out. Jimmy Carr. It was amazing. And Kay Trevor. I'm disappointed I lost, but Sarah Tiana, she's amazing. Yeah, it was great. You guys all did fantastic.

So it's a special, fun, little roast battle-y edition. Kirk, you saw roast battle this weekend. Any thoughts? I saw enough of it, Tony. I get it. I saw what was happening. Are you guys impressed by... Look who's the band tonight. It's Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.

Are you guys excited about this? Oh, and don't forget the White House as well. It's nice to see them. It seems to fit. I fucked worse. It's nice to see him It seems to fit I fucked worse Hillary what do you think About Earl Skakel

Did you see him on Roast Battle this weekend I did see him on Roast Battle He was really funny And he took his shirt off And rubbed oil all over himself So it's just like Any other weekend

Fuck yeah Trump what's your favorite Thing about being on this show And seeing some new comedians? There's got to be the energy in this room right now. It's vivacious. Just feeling it. Joke's hitting.

Feels good to be here. I completely agree. You guys have done this show a few times. You know what the hell's going on. We're just going to jump right into it. Over 40, 50-some comedians signed up for the chance to do 60 Seconds on this stage. After that 60 seconds, they become guests on a live

podcast. Do we have to see all 40 or 50, or is that just how many signed up? No. Kirk, you son of a bitch. You know that we don't get through all these young bots. I don't remember. There's a little mouse... There's a mouse running around on the show somewhere. I don't know why exactly, but I don't know what that means.

A little tiny mouse running around in your sound effects board? Comedians, you know how it works. You get 60 seconds. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, isn't that adorable? Wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. Yep. All right.

Okay. It's that mouse again. What is that? Get it out of here. Stop it. Oh, okay. All right. Okay.

For those of you that are fans of morning wacky radio, we are live on Keltoni right now. Hey now, was there a little mouse out there this morning? And now let's go to Hillary Clinton with the weather. How did Red Band get an audio sample of me scissoring Condoleezza Rice? Oh, Hillary joke, Hillary joke, Hillary joke. Let's just say on that one, I'm with her. You know what I'm saying?

Okay. You motherfuckers ready to start this show or what? Anything can happen. It's all random as fuck. Pretty much any human being, no matter what mental capacity they have, can sign up for this show. And it's proven

time after time. Some of the craziest shit happens. Sometimes we meet a comedian from the future. Are you ready to start the show? Come on, Monday night. You have to do better than that. I know the chef's walking around, fucking up the energy right now because somebody had to get chicken wings.

Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian tonight, doing 60 seconds, if you will, goes by the name of Quentin Alston. Here we go. Come on, Monday Night. Put your hands together, you motherfuckers. Come on, Monday Night. you motherfuckers I'm half black and half white and I wish I could say that the bottom half was black like it's it's not small like it's been called cute before but it's not it's not small I was watching the Titans trilogy.

I don't know if you guys have seen it. It's Clash of the Titans, Wrath of the Titans, and Remember the Titans. I'm all for twist endings, but I didn't see that shit coming. I was like, okay. That's the dude that makes the lightning bolts. That's the dude that throws the lightning bolts.

Why the fuck are they playing football? Thank you. That was the most likable goodbye I've ever seen on this show on a set. Very likable. Quinton Alston. Look at you. You tiny little Blake Griffin motherfucker. I spent, Earl and I spent pretty much the whole week kicking it with Blake Griffin.

So did Tiana. Yeah. Oh, shit. Hello, yeah. Let's just say he's a power forward, but she may have been a power bottom in that situation. Wow. It's getting real in here tonight, folks. We're still a little bit in roast mode.

A little roasty. Quentin Alston, what do you keep in that shirt pocket there? A better shirt? What is that exactly? What is that pocket for? Looks like a little pocket for wands. Like he's Blake Gryffindor. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, look at that. Trump trying to win the popular vote. Swing towards the vote on that joke, people. Quentin, you talked about being half black, half white. You mentioned that you have a small penis. You didn't really punch it up or anything like that. You just sort of revealed that you have a small penis. I have a huge dick.

I have a huge dick. Trump, whoa, Jesus. I have a huge dick. I have a huge dick. Whoa, whoa, Trump. I have a huge dick. Trump, I'm talking to Quentin. You can relax for a little bit.

I just say everybody needs to know I have a huge dick. With those little hands, everyone would have a huge dick. He does have little hands. Look at those. You're so good that you could do an impression of his hands. I could tell Jeremiah's practiced that for like months. You know what I mean?

You don't just start with perfect chump hands. Okay, Quinton. Sorry, my friends on the other side of you are so much funnier than you. No, just kidding. Quentin, stick with me. How's everything going, man? You seem like a young dude. 23?

24. Wow. Yeah, I'm really smart. You're from Orange County? No, Wisconsin. Wisconsin. Wow. Look at you.

How long have you been out here? December. December. This is August. Yeah, that's pretty cool. You look like... Thank you. Yes, the party has begun.

You just got to watch me do math for a second. I like Quentin. Yeah. I like him. Tarantino. Good posture. Good posture. You believe in yourself.

I appreciate it. I like your pacing. You just need some jokes. No, but in a good way. I think everything you did was a setup. So you should just work on tagging it. But talking about your dick and your color out of the gate. Strong.

I think every half black, half white person always has that joke also as a comedian I've heard that at least from four different comics yeah I do an I'm half black half white joke and anyway dude his dick is pretty big oh shit busted

busted you could be half white half black but you don't know which half something like that like you don't know which half. Something like that. Like you don't know your parents. This Kirk Fox is a straight shooter. I love him.

Sequentin, how small are we talking? What are you saying? Because Earl seems to think that you have it... I mean, you've got a nice bulge. I mean, your balls look a little small, but you've got a nice bulge. Your balls look a little small, but you've got a big dick. Maybe the balls go in the pocket. Well, the back pocket.

Yeah, I've got plenty of them. How are you surviving, Quentin? What are you doing for work out here? I work construction. Really? Jesus. Wow. What do you do for construction? Clipboard or something? I move... It's like light construction. Huh?

I move like... Light boxes? Like stuff that's not heavy? Use the mic, Quentin. People can't hear you. Trump has very, very good social skills. Light stuff, mostly. I move like small pieces of wood and whatnot. You're specifically the guy that moves the light stuff?

Because that's so funny. You should totally talk about that if that's true. I work construction. I look like this because they just make me move the light stuff. It's really simple, but that's your shit. You just said that. Do you ever talk about that? No, not really. Do you ever talk about that uh no not do you ever talk

about being a tiny version of Blake Griffin because you really should do that too if I were you in real life not even as a joke I would go like I'd go find like 12 year olds playing basketball and I would put on a Clippers jersey and like shoot I would make like YouTube videos of you just bawling on kids while wearing a Clippers jersey and make it like this real life Blake Griffin thing. So there you go. Sometimes I give people jokes. I just made you a viral video star. No big deal. Appreciate that. Yeah, totally.

He's going to be huge. Actually, sorry to cut you off. I actually did a competition started with a Blake Griffin joke. The TV's running in the background. Blake Griffin started giving his speech. I lost the entire competition because nobody gave a shit about what I was talking about anymore. I don't believe that. Yeah. It's true.

He's a really dynamic guy. Well, you know. What the fuck? So you're blaming the TV for why they lost interest? Yeah. Interesting. So you got to meet Blake Griffin? No. No. So you got to meet Blake Griffin? No. No.

No. But you did a show that he was on? It was on a TV on the back. Yeah, it was a TV interview that I lost to. Now, when you're sometimes doing construction, sometimes is it too heavy? And you're like, this isn't what I do? Yeah.

There it is. The Kirk Fox tag. That goes right from the other thing. Right after that. Just like that. It's just fucking in its beast mode too. You got the Kirk Fox super tag there.

Son of a bitch. Quentin, what are your parents like? Is the dad black? The mom's white? Yes. Where'd they meet? They met in the military. Whoa, fuck yeah. Were they both in the military, or was your dad in the service and your mother was working? Yep, they were both in the military. Oh.

What? Oh. I did not say she was a prostitute. I just said... It's like insinuated, but okay. What branch of the service were they in? The Army. Oh, that's cool.

Yeah, that's good. A couple of heroes. They made you. Did you ever think about joining the Army or anything like that? No, too soft. Too light? Too light. There's a lot of heavy lifting in the military. Hey, this gun's too heavy, man. Maybe try the Navy. Yeah.

There you go. Fuck you, Navy of the United States of America. On this special presidential candidate edition of Kill Tony. Fuck the Navy. Quote Brian Redband. Quentin, I think you're going to do just fine. I appreciate that. There you go.

Earl, anything else for Quentin, I think you're going to do just fine. I appreciate that. There you go. Earl, anything else for Quentin? I always love it when people just start to dismiss the guest without me. It's always my favorite thing. I think you're going to do just fine too, Quentin, unless you get hit by something. It seems like you would die young from a terrible tragedy. You seem like that. I just know people who have had that energy before,

so be extra careful out there. What's amazing about you is you have such good posture, so just make sure you never lift anything heavy. Moisturize. Clearly you're great at what you do, because you've fucking got a strong back. And moisturize a lot. And wear tighter pants so your dick looks bigger.

Yeah. There you go. Quentin Nelson, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Boom. He's on Twitter at Quentin Brown Bear Comedy. He's just got to make sure there's no TVs on when he's doing comedy. Yeah.

Yeah. Quentin Brown Bear Comedy on Twitter. For those of you that love the longest Twitter handles out there. No TV, HBO special. Watch. It'll happen. I don't think so. Oh, Hillary.

Pat. Which one? That one? Josh, you might need to mic check Earl's mic. We know this guy. He's been pulled out of the bucket before. Very fun stylings of Deron Davis, ladies and gentlemen. Here he comes.

Can I kick it? Yes, you can. Can I kick it? Yes, you can. Can I kick it? Yes, you can. So I got robbed this weekend by gunpoint. It wasn't too bad. I was with two other friends. But the robber wanted to know our names before he robbed us.

So he goes up to my homegirl, put the gun to her face, like, what's your name? She's like, my name is Isabella. And that's when he got really emotional about it. He started crying. He's like, oh, that was my mom's name. She raised me. She was a good woman. So he's like, I'm not going to rob you. So he goes up to my other homie. His name was Juan. He's like, so what's your name?

And he's like, my name is Juan, but the homies on the block call me Isabella. Yeah. I'm pretty, like, excited for this year's election I'm excited for Donald Trump to win because I know he's going to do it as soon as he wins the presidency he's going to divorce that wife of his and let America vote for the first first lady by holding a beauty pageant and letting Steve Harvey announce the winner

that's my time ladies and gentlemen fuck yeah 53 seconds Daron is it Daron? Steve Harvey announced the winner. That's my time, ladies and gentlemen. Fuck yeah. 53 seconds. Daron. Is it Daron? No, it's Darren. Darren.

I love that Isabella thing so much. Is that the end of that, or did you just cut it short for that? No, that's the end of it. That's the end of it, huh? Did that really happen? No. But did you really get robbed? Have you ever been robbed?

I think I got robbed in my time before. Has anyone ever pointed a gun at you? No. Really? Actually, yeah, once. Police officer? No, it was... No, he's still here. No, it was...

Yeah. Topical. Yeah. Topical. Tough room, huh? I think we have some police officers in the audience. Oh, there they are. Look out. They're here to get the mouse. Okay.

Liking those callbacks, Tony. Liking those callbacks. Thank you, President Trump. Darren, fuck yeah. So what's your story again? How long have you been in L.A.? I'm from the Valley. What do you do for work?

I work at a car dealership. This is a new job, isn't it? Yeah, it's a new job. Oh, wow. How long have you been there? Like four months now. What dealership? What car?

Nice. Got to be in Compton. No, it's not. What car? What kind of car do you sell? I don't sell cars. Cadillac? You work at a car dealershiphip but there's no cars there?

There's cars there You just don't know what they are? I know what they are You're asking a lot of questions You just gotta answer one I'm answering them all If you answer one, no more come What do you do at the car dealership?

Kirk Fox just sounded like a bridge troll That was weird What do you do at the car dealership? I'm like guest service Kirk Fox just sounded like a bridge troll. That was weird. What do you do at the car dealership? I'm like guest service. I program people's navigation and the Bluetooth and stuff like that. Oh, the Bluetooth. Guest service or guest service?

Do you kind of guess what they need? Because we don't call them customers. We call them guests. Guest service. Oh, nice. Does that make them feel better? I don't know what it makes them feel, but I have to say it. I'm going to ask you.

But I'm going to ask you again. What kind of car are you selling? Good question. I'm selling cars. What? Okay. Darren. It's a car dealership.

What kind of cars are on that lot? Used cars. Oh. So you steal them. Darren. It's a car dealership. What kind of cars are on that lot? Used cars. Oh. So you steal them. Yeah. You're certainly dressed for the part. Is it like one of those weird creepy used car dealers? Or is it like a big car dealer?

No, we sell brand new cars and there's a used car lot, so I'm just messing with Kurt. Oh, that's all right. Whatever gets you through the night. Yeah. No, but it's new cars, and there's a used car lot, so I'm just messing with Kurt. Oh, that's all right. Whatever gets you through the night. Yeah. No, but it's a Lexus dealership. It's a Lexus dealership. Yeah. Oh, now we're finding out more.

I asked that five minutes ago. So people come in. Yeah, he did. I've only been up there. I hope you programmed their GPS quicker than you answer those questions. So somebody's coming in. They've saved up their money. They're getting a Lexus. All of a sudden

somebody's like, we're going to send somebody out to program your GPS for you. And you get in the car with them. Do a lot of people panic at this point and just hit the gas? Or what happens exactly? They give a lot of fake addresses. Oh yeah, my home

is 8433 Sunset Boulevard. I always give the comedy store address for everything. Darren. Wow. That's fun. Lexus. Anything crazy ever happen on the lot?

Some guy got arrested once. Wow. Was it you? No, it wasn't me at all. There you go. He's on Van Nuys. What did he get arrested for? I think disturbing the peace.

Really? Yeah. White guy? Nah. I knew it. What was he doing? He was just driving through the service drive playing loud music. Man, Lexus is tough.

Yeah. It wasn't our fault. I guess someone else called the cops and he took it from there. Man. Yeah. It's a good story. What's your living situation like? Appreciate it.

Darren, where do you live? In the valley? Yeah, in the valley. By yourself? Nah. The family? Yeah. Wow.

How big of a family do you have? Like three people. Three people. Yeah. You, Isabella, Juan? No. The family? Yeah. Wow. How big of a family do you have? Like three people. Three people. Yeah. You, Isabella, one. No. That's my extended family. Your mom, your dad, and the parole officer?

No. Who are the three? A cousin, a cousin, and a mom? No, it's a mom, a dad, and a sister. Mom, a dad, and a sister. One big happy family. Big as fuck. Fuck, marry a sister. Mom, a dad, and a sister. One big happy family. Big as fuck. Fuck, marry, kill.

What's the spread like? Two bedroom? Three. Three bedrooms. So you got your own bedroom. Yeah, my own bedroom. Your mom or dad ever still like... Your mom or dad ever catch you doing anything crazy?

Doing anything crazy? You ever sneak girls over? I don't think I have to sneak them over. So you just have them over? Yeah. Like, she's, you know. Yeah, it's my friend. Yeah.

Wow. This guy's got confidence And I like that That's cool You guys programming Lexus He's got his shit together Lexus is also one of the girls That he takes back to his parents' house

Thank you, Brian I'm just amazed that the blackest guy I've ever seen in my life is wearing all black Yeah, it is true. I mean, it looks like you accidentally left the apartment naked and then just used the curtain as clothes right before you got on stage. I thought he was shirtless. No, don't do that, Brian. That's bad, Brian.

That's why this will never be turned into a TV show is because of those moments right there. Thank God. I know. So, Darren, that's so cool. Darren, you got to write some jokes about programming at Lexus and that kind of shit. I'm not too sure. I don't know if

they'll connect with people. You make them connect. Believe in yourself. You don't have to do those bullshit jokes at the top. Because I'm going to do that joke. What? Believe in yourself. You don't have to do those bullshit jokes at the top. Because I'm going to do that joke. And man, when you get into it, I mean, you're getting robbed. That whole scene is set. There's so much set up there.

And you drop that Isabella, and there's got to be more. There's got to be more to that. You've got to break it down for them after you say it. You're just hitting the front part. That's Tag City right there. You just stay right there on that. Like, you know, it's, you know, being,

because what is funny about that is what? Being a thug, being like tough as fuck, sometimes it's like you can get away with that shit. Who else can call themselves Isabella unless you kill people? You know, like you have to be extremely scary to pull off Isabella as a nickname. If Brian's nickname was Isabella, that'd be weird. But Isabella, I'm scared of this guy.

In fact, I just realized that I'm talking about him on a live podcast. Oh, he's not real. That's right. Thank goodness you used your imagination. Yeah, you just pretty much painted a great picture. You did this whole buildup up and now it's playground. This is like what comics love is when you painted such a nice thing that you can now play with.

Keep painting. Keep painting. Paint the slide. Paint the sandbox. What the fuck? Paint the other playground elements. Hillary, you just got whammied, I do believe.

So Darren, anything else? What else is... Anything else crazy? You have any special skills or anything like that? Yo-yo champion or... No, I just, like, got accepted to Cal State Northridge for creative writing. Whoa! Look at that.

That's so cool. What's their mascot? Did you really or are you just bullshitting us still? I'm serious. I'm serious. How big is your dick, man? Wow. Earl is... I'm pretty sure he's asked every guest that question so far.

Well, I mean, the first guy set the bar. This guy looks like he's got at least nine. Can't measure it with a basic ruler. That's all I'm saying. Whoa, a basic ruler. That's all I'm saying. Whoa, a basic ruler. That's a big dick. That's kind of gross, and I like that. For those of you that missed it, way off to the side,

if you have your speakers up, you may have caught it. At some point in that, Josh Martin realized what that meant, and he goes, well, that means it's bigger than 12 inches. In an unbelievable maneuver, there was a moment of silence there where if you rewind, you could probably get it. Which blows my mind that he even knew how long a ruler was. Yeah, it was pretty impressive. Josh.

He really thought that he had figured something out there. All right, Darren, you did it again. Very funny stuff. Darren Davis, there he goes, everybody. He's on Twitter at King D. City. King D. City. Oh he goes, everybody. He's on Twitter at KingDCity. Oh, shit. Look at this. Look at Josh Martin.

Look at that haircut. Fresh off of his first weekend opening for Joe Rogan ever. That's a really fucking big deal. And he killed it at the Laughing Skull in Atlanta, one of the coolest clubs. We're so proud of Josh. So proud of Josh. He's getting his wings. The newest member of the fucking Rogan regime out of nowhere.

It's like unbelievable. Diaz. Shafir. Trussell. Edwards. Hinchcliffe. Red Band. Josh Martin.

Wow. Holy moly. Very impressive. Wow. Holy moly. Very impressive. Okay. One of my favorite things in the world is seeing a name that I know for a fact that I've never seen before on this show. It excites me greatly. Put your hands together for Isaac Flaco Martinez. Yes.

Isaac Flaco Martinez. Come on, you son of a bitch. Your name is so funny. I had so much faith in you. Fuck. No commitment. I always know by a name when it's going to be good. Son of a bitch.

Come on. No Isaac Flaco Martinez. Wow. This guy's been on the show before. It's always been a huge train wreck. Put your hands together for Lonnell Price, everybody. Y'all give it up for my girlfriend. Her and her husband just celebrated their three-year wedding anniversary. to celebrate their three-year wedding anniversary.

Y'all hear about old boy in Waymont, Massachusetts that robbed a bank there, tried to catch an Uber. I know he was mad as hell. It was an Uber driver because he made his thing select Uber pool and shit, so he had to make additional stops and shit. What up? What up? What up, old rich white women there? Fucking Netflix and chill. I'm trying to life alert

and chill. Just found out my roommate was a creep, man. Caught this motherfucker jagging off and shit. He got a creepy fetish, this motherfucker watching women latex fart videos and shit. Now I'm scared to fart around this motherfucker.

That's it. 51 seconds. Earl has a question. Can I ask you a question? What's an Uber? He whispered that in my ear What's an Uber? You know how black people... He whispered that in my ear halfway through the set. If you're wondering why I was cackling wildly

in the middle of Lanael's set, it's because they're all, what the fuck is an Uber? His voice. I can't pronounce all my damn words. Yeah, but Uber's not like some high-tech word. You really go

old-school voice for that one. But I was ordering myself an Uber the other day. You're headed to this new application? Uber. I gotta tell you, you move like the funniest guy on the planet.

I thought the shit that was going to come out was gonna you move like the funniest guy on the planet. Thank you, sir. Like I thought the shit that was going to come out was going to be mind-boggling. I got to tell you, your funniest shit, you just need to find a way to connect the words and make them so we understand at least one of them. Yeah. But I got to tell you, I like how confident you are with absolutely nothing to back it up.

There was a huge. Hold on. Every time I come up here, I get overly excited. So I'm just like, hell yeah. Then I just be talking too fast. We just got to find a way to slow it down so we can understand it. But there's something about you that I like. I might just be the shirt.

I see a lot of familiar faces. Walking dead. Where'd you get the shoes from? Jesus Christ. What he's really asking, Lonnell, is how big's your dick? Yeah. It's a question of the night. It's like you robbed three different people.

My dick, sir, is two inches from the ground. Oh, wow. Look at that. Lonnell, where are you from the ground. Oh, wow. Look at that. Lionel, where are you from? Uba, uba. Uba, uba. Physically impossible. Everyone and my girlfriend left me for a guy in St. Louis.

I'm going to keep reminding y'all every time. Lionel, you're still talking about that. Lionel, have you ever kissed a man? Because every time you're on the show You're always like My girlfriend left me And it's like so I feel like you're like Hiding a little something

Underneath your Super character-y t-shirts Urban Eric Marino No gay guy would wear this outfit Now didn't you do the latex joke before on Kill Tony? Did you do that before? The fart porn? You caught your...

Oh, yeah. You've done that before 60 seconds? You have one minute. Tony, this was a best of set. You got to give him a break. I'll be trying to come with quicker jokes, you know? You got to also come with new jokes when you're on the show. I mean, it's only 60 seconds. Just try out new shit. It's not that much. I don't know about on the show. It's only 60 seconds.

Just try out new shit. It's not that crazy. I gotta test some stuff I already did with y'all, man, because y'all be clowning. We're clowning on you because you come in and you do weird shit. What's all that stuff that you have in your cargo pockets?

Those are jammed. What do you have, sandwiches and shit in there? There's a lot of stuff in there. This is an episode called... Whoa! Whoa! What kind of brush is that, dude? That's a white thing.

What the fuck? What are you brushing ponies before the show? Try it on Tony's hair. Will you try it on Tony's hair? Good idea, Brian. It's a regular brush, man. I can't believe a girl left you and you had that brush. What's in that pocket? Let's do it.

Do some digging, Lonnell. Did you rob a surplus store? Gummy bears. Oh, I had a feeling. A big-ass bag of gummy bears in the left pocket. Breaking news. Half-eaten, sweaty as fuck gummy bears. Wow. I'm going to bring that to you.

Nobody is going to take those. Yeah, wait. Why do you have Red Band's wallet? That's my wallet. And why does Red Band's wallet have more gummy bears than the gummy bear package? Thank you. So, Lonnell. Oh, don't.

I don't have to do it. I feel like he just Bill Cosby'd himself. Lonnell, how long have you been in L.A.? I think like three months now. You have a great energy. What are you doing for work? I do Lyft and I do background work. You do Lyft and some Uber?

He worked for Lyft because he couldn't pronounce Uber. No, for real. I've been in background in all the movies. Y'all don't recognize the back of my head. I was in Independence Day, too. Were you the black guy from Scrubs' Stun Double? No. I was in Independence Day. Remember when

the president was talking? Independence Day. Nobody saw Independence Day, too, bro. Nobody saw that haunted house. Well, I was walking past. I bet more people saw Independent Day. Yeah. Did you take an Uber to see Independent Day? With George Martin.

It's funny. He only keeps shit in his pocket he can pronounce. This is a comb and gummy bears. Y'all some assholes, man. You love those. I got tough skin. I'll be in that crime right now. I don't believe that for a second.

Just go have some more gomma bears. You're funny. Just write some jokes, man. What's happening in your real life? What's real shit? Stop. You're funny. Just write some jokes, man. Yeah, London, what's happening in your real life? What's real shit? Stop trying to be funny. Tell me something about your real life. What's your living situation right now?

Okay, it's okay. You got a little mouse running around the apartment? I need somewhere to stay. I stay with too many motherfuckers, man. You stay with too many motherfuckers? Yeah, I stay in a hostel. It's like a men's dorm room. Oh, look. There it is. I stay in a hostel. It's like a men's dorm room. There it is.

It's a men's dorm room. My girlfriend left me. No, look. There's one guy in St. Louis. There's one guy. He flicks his boogers on the toilet for no reason. Another French man. He just likes to walk around naked in the morning time. Right. After making love to you. naked in the morning time. Right.

After making love to you, he walks around naked. Which guy tastes better? This is what I want to hear about. Eat a few more gummy bears. That's exactly what you should be talking about. How many guys are there? Stop eating fucking gummy bears right now. Put it away.

Jesus, why don't you have a steak while you're at it? Stop eating fucking gummy bears right now. Put it away. Jesus, why don't you have a steak while you're at it? A guy with a speech impediment, he's the one thing that makes him worse. It is. It's unbelievable. Between his speech and his horrible t-shirts,

he's like a light-skinned Josh Martin. Everybody watch The Walking Dead. Carl. No. No. The Walking Dead is what we call an audience after you perform there. Oh. Come on, guys. Lonnell.

What the fuck was I just talking about? How many guys, if you had to guess, are in the actual hostel? How many beds are there? What's... Keep going. Just be real. Don't try to be funny. Lonnell, look at me. Look at me.

Stop. Don't try to be funny right now. Just answer it honestly. Don't try to be funny right now. Just answer it honestly. Don't try to be funny. Just be normal. Fifteen guys. Russians. And all type of crazy, creepy motherfuckers.

What did you do? Has anyone tried to fuck you or do anything to you when you're sleeping? Tell the truth. What do you think? No, they're just fucking disgusting. I told you, I caught one jagging off, of course. Jagging off? Jagging off, yeah.

I didn't know jagging off had two Gs in it. Jagging off, like beating his meat. Who taught you English? Shag? Jagging off. Jagging off, yeah. Jagging off. Jagging off, yeah. Jagging off. To what?

To your shirt? Yeah. Now he's watching latex fart videos and shit. Wait, what? As previously heard on Kill Tony, this is a best of set if I can imagine. All right, Lonnell. Well, I mean, you got to get out and experience stuff. You got a job? Oh, yeah. Lifting. What else? I do background. Well, I mean, you got to get out and experience stuff. You got a job?

Oh, yeah. Lift and what else? I do background. Background. I bet you do. Yeah. But you've only done what? Independence Day 2?

Anything else? Actually, I'm doing a TV show that got something to do with the comedy store. Oh, really? Yeah. It's going to be big. It's called I'm Dying Up Here. We know the project. It's on show.

It's not a secretive thing. I'm the kitchen staff on there. I want to hear him say what it is. What's the name of the show? Asby Dying Up Here. I'm going to get Lanell out of here. They told me not to speak about it, but yeah.

You don't want to lose your part. They don't want you to speak about it because you can't pronounce the words properly. Lonnell, there you go. Keep having fun, buddy. Welcome to Hollywood. From Chicago, Illinois, Lonnell Price. Price is right.

He's on Snapchat. Snapchat. At Comedian LPZ, P-E-A-Z-Z-Y, for those of you that want to follow Lonnell on Snapchat. He's 19 Russian. He's got a little doggy face. Yeah. My girlfriend left me. Some guy in St. Louis.

This guy's always funny. He's pretty much a regular on this show. He's here pretty much every week. Put your hands together for Dan Nolan. New 60 Seconds. New 60 Seconds. Pack your bag up. Underneath you, big booty.

I just found out that penguins mate for life. I wish somebody had told me that before I fucked all of those penguins. They will not leave me alone. Get out of here. I called you an Uber I wanted to donate my body to science But they already have a bunch So I'm probably just going to give it to math or social studies I did want to donate sperm Turns out you need a college degree to donate sperm

They wouldn't let me do it So I didn't know what to do with all my sperm after that I just left it on the bus I just figured I don't know what to do with all my sperm after that. I just left it on the bus. I just figured... I didn't even find it. I always confuse the words optimist and optometrist. I asked a guy to check out my glasses.

He said he thought they were half full. I think it's important to patronize small businesses. Just tell them stuff like, oh, business, I don't think you're that small. You're a regular-sized business. Let those other guys get to you. I think that jerking off in the shower should be called master bathing.

Fuck yes. That's how you do it. Unbelievable. Dan, you've been coming on this show for I feel like a couple years now, and you have that definite one-liner style. It's one of those things that's so cool, your progression, because you're always getting better and better, and you're always doing a new 60 seconds of that stuff,

and that is so fucking hard to do, and it's so impressive, and you're starting to establish yourself as one of those one-liner beasts up there with some of the greats. I don't know. I'm doing all right. Yeah, you're doing really good. I think you're happier in your personal life right now.

Isn't that true? Oh, dude, I have health care insurance. Yeah, I'm a recovering heroin addict. You guys don't know me. We all know each other. They don't know that. I'm a recovering heroin addict. For those of you that don't watch obsessively every episode of Kill Tony,

Dan Nolan is a recovering heroin addict who clearly... Did you fill up my gas tank right away? So how's that been going? Any cravings lately? No, no, I'm all right. I mean, this was a really good set tonight. If you're ever going to do it again, it might as well be tonight. Have a little celebration. You know what I mean? Let's heat up that fucking, let's heat up that fucking dirty spoon and cook something up for the

big. Did we ever ask that you, did you ever like suck dick for a taste? And if so, do you, do you like think about the dick more than the heroin or vice versa? No, I never had to suck dick. They just let me buy it. Yeah, we have talked about this. Seems like a pretty good trade. Really lowered the stakes on that one. What was the biggest dick you sucked?

No dicks. I think Earl may have ignored your original answer. I think Earl's been gone from West Hollywood too long. Earl spent the last five or six days up in Montreal. Now that he's back with some dudes, he's got to get in that dick talk. Yeah, man. Earl used to come into the pizza place I worked in.

I had this boss, Bernard, that was in love with him. He was like, I want to fuck Earl so bad. Did he? Did he ever do it? I don't think I got that extra slice. Fuck yeah, the little bit of the meat lovers. Extra cheese. Topping and bottoming.

I don't know, something. Whatever. What pizza place was this? Extra cheese. Topping and bottoming. I don't know. Something. Whatever. What pizza place was this? Z Pizza down on Santa Monica, San Vicente. Yeah, Bernard's there Monday through Sunday. He followed Earl. Didn't he follow you home from work one day?

Yeah, he's like, dude, let me suck it. And I give the best blowjob on Larrabee. And that's a bold statement. Is that true? He told you he gives the best blowjob? Onrabee. And that's a bold statement. Is that true? He told you he gives the best blowjob? On Larrabee, which is like saying you have the best jump shot in the NBA. And you know what? He did.

Yeah. So, Dan, what else is going on in life? Nothing, man. I'm getting a new place I'm crashing with a friend for the next month and then I'm moving in to my own place in North Hollywood Everything's kind of cool I got health insurance

How'd you get health insurance again? Obamacare? No, I have a real job What's that? I work at a dog walking app down the street I do the dispatch Have you ever been walking a dog and you see the leash

and all of a sudden you start to tie one off on your arm and shoot heroin again? Did I ask you that last time you were on? Yeah, we did. It sounds so funny that I had to think about it before. It was. It was good. What dog has the personality that most resembles a junkie? I don't walk the dogs. I don't know.

I'm in charge when it's all automated. But you don't see the dogs? No, I don't see them. Have you seen dogs in your life? Yeah, yeah, but I don't hang out with them. What dog have you seen that looks like it's high on heroin? I don't know. What's the droopy one from the Looney Tunes?

What's the one with the... Yeah, Basset Hound. Basset Hound seems like a junkie. Yeah, it's a junkie dog Which dog is Which dog is the biggest dick I don't know anything about dogs Like a Great Dane

Yeah probably Anything crazy ever happen When you're walking the dogs Oh I don't walk the dogs He said he's a dog dispatcher Listen Tony You're the dispatcher It's like Uber for dogs You's a dog dispatcher. Listen, Tony. You're the dispatcher? Yeah, it's like Uber for dogs.

You call a dog walk on your phone and they come to your house. Yeah. Wow. Get that last guy up here and do a business. Hello, did you order a dog Uber? Wow, Dan, are you holding it down? Are you like the only dispatcher? No, it's like I deal with walk issues.

So I start and I'm the only guy. And I'm on New York time. I work 5 a.m. to 1. Tell me what a walk issue is. A walk issue is it's mostly lockouts. Like if you're walking a dog, you can't get it back home? Yeah, you can't get into the house. Or you can't get into the house to get to the dog.

Or the leashes are missing. Owners are supposed to leave a bunch of information about how to get bunch of information about hearing about your job makes me want to shoot heroin i actually like it i like my job we we just because we deal with like most of the issues resolve within like five to ten minutes and then it's just the same shit heads that are like they don't know how to fucking put etas in they. They're always late. And I just think that they're junkies because that's my experience. So I assume it's the same thing. What else in life?

So you have a full-time job. What's your favorite hobby other than stand-up comedy? What do you do to chill? What do you do for fun every once in a while? Do you watch movies, TV, go to a theater, play music, anything? No, I play some guitar, but not really. Oh, you do?

Yeah. I've just been living the comedy dream. I've been doing the roast battle. I'd imagine. Did you notice when you stopped doing heroin, did you get worse at the guitar?

Well, you know what? Yeah, when I would be going through withdrawals, I feel like I would play way better guitar when I was really fucking out of it. Was that t-shirt from when you were doing heroin?

Yeah. This t-shirt is still on heroin. I'm going to get you a longer t-shirt. I actually bought 20 of these for a dollar at a flea market 10 years ago. You paid too much. We're making fun of the shirt, but really the jeans are much worse

than the shirt. Can we say the first five episodes he used to have the big holes in his jeans? He would only wear that pair of pants every single day. These look like they're sort of better, but it also looks like he slid into home plate today for some reason. Is that dirt or just stain? It's pee. I think it's coffee probably. Wow. A lot of coffee on the old morning dispatch job, huh?

Interesting. Do you use coffee grounds dispatch job, huh? Yeah. Oh, interesting. She used coffee grounds as laundry detergent? Yeah. Hillary was once the first lady. You're funny, Dan. I think you're going to be all right. Yeah. Is that my dismissal? Hillary knows. Yeah, pretty much was.

I thought so. Dan. That sucks. I had a really funny interview last time and a not great set. This time I had a pretty good set and a not good interview. What was wrong with this interview? I thought it was great. No, I was boring. I had a really funny interview last time and a not great set. This time I had a pretty good set and a not good interview. What was wrong with this interview? I thought it was great. No, I was boring.

No, you were exactly who you are. When you fill out your comment cards at the end, just remember, Dan Nolan, he was alright. Dan, save it for Sal's. Now I feel like I'm really bombing. Yeah, you really ruined it then. You fulfilled your prophecy right at the end there.

And you know what? The close is probably the most important part. You did an unbelievable job tonight, but you closed so shittily that that's all that anybody will ever remember. They'll never remember that killer 60 seconds. They're going to remember this awkward part right now. It's true.

You got to dress to win, you know? Longer t-shirts. Dan, you are so fucking funny. Sorry, I've been up since 4 a.m. Is this your real Twitter handle? No, I'm just kidding. Dan Nolan, everybody. Dan Nolan Comedy on Twitter.

Dan Nolan Comedy. There he goes. Or you can also see him at Pump number 5. Fuck yeah. We're having fun, right, guys? Huh? Monday night?

Anything can happen. Who knows? We've seen a few good comedians. We've had a no-show. I feel like something exciting is going to happen any moment. Let's see. How about Kevin Mack? What's up, guys?

So my white guilt got the best of me this week. I decided to let a black guy have sex with my girlfriend. Actually, I didn't let him. He just did it. She could have waited for me to leave. That would have been great. Now I've got to figure out how to get all that black life matter out of my sheets. I figure if worse comes to worse I can just cut two holes in it and it'll be my new Halloween costume next year. I'll be a dirty ghost. Going for that.

Nothing is fair in the white and black. We don't even have slurs that are equal. I mean, the N-word is a horrible word, but what do they have for us? Honky. I can't get mad because you called me a funny noise. No. Whitey.

I'm white as fuck. Can't get mad. I think the worst white people slur that we have, we gave ourselves, and that's wigger, which proves white people, even when we're not trying to be racist, we pull that shit off. Thanks guys. Kevin

Mack. You know it's not good when Donald Trump has a look on his face like he thinks your set's racist. It's true. You're covering a hard subject Kevin Mack And that's hard to do I mean you know

Only a few months ago you were The front man for Blink-182 And now here you are You know Taking chances A lot of people like How long have you been on stand up again This is actually one month.

Carry me home. Do that in your act. Good advice. Trump knows. You got to do what people know. You got to do what Trump says. Kevin. So how long have you been doing this? This is one month, actually.

Today is one month. Oh, good. The anniversary. Start doing more race material earlier in. If there's any way you can go back two weeks ago and do even more. Yeah. What I was thinking, instead of the dirty ghost, I was thinking KKK with the black thing, so you might want to steer clear of that.

Covering black and white right now, in my opinion, one month in, is like someone who just graduated from being a dental assistant doing open heart surgery on someone

right then and there with a pen. I grew up in Detroit, so I feel like I have my black card. Do you? It doesn't seem like it. You seem whiter than me. And that's not good. That's an accomplishment. The N-word versus honky bit, what is it, 1976?

Yeah, what are we going to order? An Uber? Hillary has a point. Do you have jokes about growing up in Detroit? I do. What part of Detroit did you really grow up in? I grew up in the projects.

I was the white kid for five square miles. I was the one white kid in a graduating class of 310. You must have had a great sports team. Good sex life. Fuck yeah. I was actually captain

of the basketball team. You were? You must have had a shitty basketball team. Let's do this, Earl. I'll keep lining them up. What was it? You and 11 black guys

who couldn't play basketball? Are you sure you were the captain? No, I was the only one who could make grades. That was pretty much it. Wow, a little bit of real talk right there. Real talk. You were the captain of the basketball team, or you were the guy that just ironed the uniforms?

No, I was the captain of the basketball team. Oh, that's impressive. I got a scholarship. Really? To where? Eastern Michigan University Heard of it Wait, nope, haven't Kevin Mack So you've been here a month

Before that you were in Detroit You spent pretty much your whole life there. No, I've been in L.A. ten years, but I started doing stand-up a month ago. That's right. You're a professional actor. Yeah. That's now turning to stand-up comedy, chasing your dream. Yeah.

Something like that, right? Something along the lines. But you've acted in some cool stuff? I've acted in a few cool things, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like what? God damn, you're going to make me do my resume.

I was on NCIS Los Angeles. I mean, if you were in anything cool, then. I was do my resume. I was on NCIS Los Angeles. I mean, if you were in anything cool, then. I was on Cold Case. I was on NCIS. Wow. Are you always, what are you? It's weird.

I'm everything. Like, I've been a single father. I've been a drug dealer. I've been a sniper. Have you ever been a comedian? Absolutely not. Apparently not. No, NCIS actually stood for No Comedian

Insight. Hey, sometimes you gotta be straight with these people, you know? You gotta be a straight shooter. You know? You gotta be a straight shooter sometimes. So, Kevin, you're... I mean, Trump is winning my vote here tonight.

I don't know about you guys, but... So, Kevin, if I can make one suggestion, because you're handsome, you're a beautiful man, you're very cool. Thank you. When you come up on stage, you have to find a way to come off less cool. You don't want to lean on this like, you know,

this was your little thing, and I had to take it from you took my crutch yeah so you got to just get up there and take a breath i know you're nervous you didn't expect that you were going to be called so you weren't prepared but if you're in this room you got to know that it could happen right so just you're in the game now but so when you get up here just take it in and just believe in your shit. You're still a little frightened, but just keep doing it. And try not to be so handsome. Kevin, how long did you live in Detroit?

18 years. What's that? 18 years in Detroit? 19, 20? Yeah, 18 years. Have you ever been with a black woman before? Several. That's not when you use that.

Several. That's not when you use that. Have you ever noticed anything different about black women and white women? Yeah, we want to know the difference between white women and black women. Go. A credit. Because Kevin Mack, you seem like. More racism. Well, obviously, they're credit rating.

Whoa, too soon. Too soon. Actually, the black girls that dated me, their credit rating went down. Terrible credit. Kevin, stick with me, Kevin. I'm here. Stick with me up here.

You seem like you could almost, you seem like the guy that like Deuce Bigelow house sits for. That's still not the right reference. He's a better version of Ashley Hamilton yeah yeah definitely so let's get into it Kevin what's your love life like now I've been single for three and a half years holy I just felt a rush of water underneath my feet from every woman getting wet in this room right now.

That's almost amazing. Kevin, what have you been doing? Just teasing girls relentlessly? What's the story here? I've been dating. I've been making the rounds. That means he gets it in, folks. He gets it in.

All the way in. I'll take it. I'll take that one. That one always works. So, Kevin, how are you meeting these girls? What are you doing? You drink? No, I don't drink.

I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. You've been sober? No, I've always been that way. You've just always been that way. Just never been a party guy. You've got the Chris D'Elia thing. Yeah.

You've got the Jeremiah Watkins thing. How old are you? I don't think that's a thing. To be honest, yeah. What do you think would happen if you had a drink? I already know what happens. It's not that. That is not what happens.

That is not what happens. One time it happened. Did it really happen? No, no, it didn't. Come on, you can be honest with us, Kevin. No, it didn't happen. Stop trying to back me into a corner, Tony. No, I did not.

We have to find things out about you. Listen, Earl's a good looking guy, and I wanted to get ahead in comedy. So what are you going to do? Well, you lost me on that one. No, I did. I drank. The one time that I drank, I ended up in jail. So that was like...

That's awesome. Okay. What happened? I got drunk. I hit on a guy's girlfriend. I slapped her ass. I ended up fighting him and two of his friends. I put two of them in the hospital, and I ended up getting beat up by cops.

Wow. Wow. You're like an alcoholic Incredible Hulk. That's incredible. Was this in L.A. or New York? No, this was in Detroit. And I was only 18 when it happened and I was at a bar,

so I caught charges for underage drinking, assault and battery. We've got music on for a second here, Brian, because I have some more questions that I want to ask you, Kevin. I'm going to take a guess here. I'm going to say you do not have a brother. Am I correct? I do have a brother.

How many brothers? Just one? Just one. Right. He's younger than you. Yes. Do you want to know how I know this? Yes.

Kevin, when you drank that night, that one time that you ever let yourself have that sweet nectar of alcohol, of the truth juice, if you will. Yeah. Your insides, your true brain, wanted something that you couldn't have. That was a long setup, man. That was great. Thank you. That was a long setup, man. That was great. Thank you. That was beautiful.

We're playing championship ball here, Kevin. That was well done. Red Band and I have been working together for a while now. So, wow, that's interesting. You had a guy that could get any woman, but you wanted a woman that was taken by somebody else. Now, did you slap her ass after you found out she had a boyfriend or before? I tried to pull her away from her boyfriend.

Oh, my God. What did you drink that night? Real class act. Real class act. We drank. We pre-gamed, I think. Who's we? Myself.

Me and the boys. Myself and a couple of my friends. It's raining. It's raining, man. Oh, no? We had two lemon drops. Yeah. We drank everything. We drank Cosmos and lemon drops Body shots

No we pre-gamed We drank We drank a whole bottle of Goldschlager Oh my god Where is it Brian? Where is it, Brian? Where is it, Brian? That's what happens if you say Goldschlager on this show. Everybody knows that.

If you drink a bottle of Goldschlager, you get a careless whisper. So, you and the boys drinking Goldschlager, which, 32 years old, I've still never had any of. In Detroit. So, there you are. You decide, I'm going to drink for the first night ever. Let's go all the way with this stuff that has gold in it.

You and your buddies drink it all. And then what happens? Then we went inside and we started drinking Long Island iced teas. You went... Wait. You went... You went inside of where?

In the club. Jeff! Yep. His little hand. The fucking hand. That's a little hand camera right there. That hand is great. Oh, Kevin, do you always wear the hat?

Yeah, well, I'm growing my hair out for a roll. It seems like you might have a man bun. Do you ever do the man bun? Yeah. You have a man bun right there. Yeah, it's not long enough. I'm growing it out for a roll. I don't want to.

You seem more like a bottom knot to me. Let's be friends. Have you ever worked at a deli and they just call you Ashton Butcher? You gotta say. You gotta straight shoot the America people. Oh my god Yeah he does look like that guy

Who's that Who's that How do you Earl why do you have Pictures of guys On your phone No that's his wallpaper Doesn't he look like this guy

Does he look like my wallpaper Because pussy Has been a gateway drug To dick for me No he looks just like This hockey player Can you pull up Oh that's a hockey player

Oh that's a hockey player? Oh, that's that guy you were showing me. This guy, Sheldon Suray. Oh, there you go. You ever play hockey? No, I cannot skate. Other than basketball, you ever play any other sports? Football.

You have any other hobbies? MMA. MMA. You ever roll around with other dudes? Lots. I see you're just rolling with it. Do you really do like jujitsu or anything? Yeah, yeah.

You do? Yeah. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Does your jujitsu training help you when you're slapping girls' asses? Pat Reagan, go ahead. Did you get bullied? In high school?

Growing up, yeah. Yeah. By your own little brother? Quite a bit. I'm the smallest guy in my family by a lot. Really? Yeah. Wait, there's a bigger, more handsome version of you in your family?

I mean, this is unbelievable. This is unbelievable. I'm the smallest weight-wise and height-wise by a lot. Hey, we got some Goldschlager right here. Is that true? Yeah, if you would want a little taste. Is that really Goldschlager? There's gold that true? Is that really Goldschlager? There's gold in it. It really is. Wait a second.

I can't do it. I don't want that to happen. That totally sounds like a bad idea. He's probably going to beat our asses. That's horrible. Exactly. that's why I do not drink yikes

god damn it Kevin you seem like you've been with more women than everybody else in this room combined so let's just

talk about it craziest thing that's ever happened to you in the bedroom fuck um I had a foursome with uh

two porn stars and a stripper once. Two porn stars and a stripper? Yeah. Wow. Boring. So it was a foursome? Foursome. Wow.

So what is even going on during that? You only have two hands and a mouth and a dick. So it is pretty much laid there and got mauled, which was kind of cool. Oh my God. Wow. Now that paints a visual, folks. And that's why I don't drink, because I remember that shit. That's your Vietnam? Oh my

God. Can we trade lives? Can we trade lives? Can we trade lives? Jeremiah fucking Watkins. You are just unbelievable. Un-fucking-stoppable. I mean, it's been unbelievable. I've watched you all week.

Just destroy it now. Little nugget for those Kill Tony fans out there. Played Careless Whisper on the roast battle finale. That's true. That's true. He snuck one in. Snuck one in. We would have loved to have seen some of the other... Oh, there you go.

We got it. We got that one in the bag. Kevin Mack, anything else interesting about you at all whatsoever? What happened during the foursome? You got mauled. How long do you last in a foursome? With two professional porn stars and a stripper.

There was so much going on that I couldn't focus enough. Come on. You're sober. You say that you like to not drink so that you can remember it. What the fuck do you remember? Right now it sounds like you don't remember shit. I want to know what happened. I remember...

Jesus Christ. I remember... I was getting I remember... Let's see. I was getting ridden and ridden and diddling. How did it start? Here's the two porn stars because I probably know them. I'm not going to throw that out there. Will you tell me afterwards?

I'll tell you afterwards. The porn stars. I'm pretty sure they don't mind if you mention that they fuck. I'm pretty sure that's what they do for a living. It's not their feelings I'm worried about. Come on, give them a plug. Give them any kind of plug. I gave them a plug.

That's what I just said. I already made that joke, but then you made it and I realized that I made it. How does a foursome start? Look at this guy. That's a great question, Pat. It almost seems like... How many roses?

How does a porn star... I was dating the... Were you guys in an igloo or something? I was dating one of the porn stars. We went to an event called Exotica. Clemson, Ohio. She introduced me to her other porn star. Brian Cowan will be there next month.

This month. She introduced me to another porn star friend that she had there. Her porn star friend liked me. Then we went out after the Exotica thing, and then we met up with this stripper chick. Oh, Jesus. This story is worse than anything I've ever heard before. I'm sorry I asked, Kevin.

You need to edit that shit. We want to hear about the squirts and crazy shit. The fact that you had a stripper with two porn stars, that means that stripper was like a young deer that you guys just fucked the shit out of that poor girl. And she just didn't even get a ride home the next day.

And you guys are fucking taking her UberX home instead of that poor little stripper. You know, like the kind of night you have with a young deer. Totally makes sense. Totally, totally, totally. Actually, the stripper was the most aggressive one. Really? By far.

Aggressive in what way? She had nothing to lose? She was... She was... She was trying to prove herself. It was the most aggressive hand job I ever had. It was a hand job? Wait a second.

It was like 20 minutes of punching me in the nuts. You're telling me that you're having a foursome and one of the things happening is a fucking hand job? That was her hand. Yeah, it was her hand. How many T-cells did you lose that night? I double bagged it. I got you, Earl.

You double bagged it? You double bagged it for a handjob, Kevin? Jesus Christ. That is almost amazing. It's more like... Have you ever been with a man? No. You never kissed one? I had to kiss a guy for a movie once. It's amazing. It's more like... Have you ever been with a man? No. In any way? You never kissed one?

I had to kiss a guy for a movie once. Did you get the movie? Yeah, it was in the scene. Oh, I thought it was to get the movie. No, it wasn't the audition. He's like, I'm going to do some improv right now. I had to kiss a guy for a movie. It just fucking wasn't worth it.

So have you given up on acting, or are you still reaching out for a lot of roles? No, acting still pays my bills. Right, absolutely. But how much stand-up have you been doing in this month? How many spots? I'm doing minimum six nights a week. That's great.

I'm trying to hit at least two mics a day, if I can. That's great. Two mics a day. And three porn That's great. Two mics a day. And three porn stars a day. That's a lot of math. I like this guy. I like him. I do too. Kevin Mack. There he is everybody. There he goes.

Here we are. It's all happening. Fuck yeah. One of those nights. How fun. Let's just keep going. Let's jump right into it. You know what?

Let's get our regular up, and then we'll go back to the bucket right after that. How about that, live audience? Does that sound good to you? Every single week, we have a regular who does a brand new 60 Seconds every week. She doesn't get pulled out of the bucket. She gets built piece by fucking piece live in front of the internet every single week here with a brand new 60 seconds put your hands together for the great Vanessa Johnston ladies and gentlemen

hey guys I went to a park this weekend and when I walked up to the building there was a sign that said warning chemicals in this area are known to cause cancer and birth defects welcome to disneyland the happiest place on earth

while i was there there were people standing on the street with signs preaching which is weird because why are they choosing tourists as their target demographic No one's going to come back from vacation and go, dude, my trip was amazing, and I got an even more amazing-er souvenir. The word of God. That's not happening. It's not going to happen because Taurus are too happy. What they need to do is preach at children's hospitals

where kids are high on morphine and nearly dying because they'll believe anything. That was great. That's so funny. Two weeks in a row. Yeah. Two weeks in a row. Super strong

opening last week. Super strong opening last week Super strong close this week That was very funny Yeah, that is interesting The whole chemical fucking thing That's just a California thing, right? No, no, no, no They actually have those signs everywhere you go

You just don't ever look for them In California though, right? No, no, it's in Ohio It usually is like if you're at a pool Like an apartment complex You see all the poor people trying to get an abortion by just hanging out there all day.

What? Oh, boy. I daydreamed for three seconds there, and I don't even want to know what actually happened. I truly don't know what happened or what was done. Where are you living, Brian? Red Band, sometimes I even think

you need therapy. That's Donald Trump. If the president says you need therapy, Brian, and all your friends, then you might need some. Vanessa, so how's life? Everything good? What did you talk about? Did you really go

to Disneyland? Yeah, I did. How was that? It was a couple weeks ago. It was fun, but when you you walk up there's 10 signs at every single entrance where you put your ticket in let's say the cancer thing but i don't think it sounds believable what was your uh favorite part of disneyland what did you see that was actually cool for you i mean was that that was your first time there and you saw the mickey and this and that which i guess sort of what you think disneyland is it's all the mixy mic Mickey and this and that which I guess sort of. Is that what you think Disneyland is? It's all the Mixie, Mickey and this and that. You saw the

what's his name? Mixie bounce. Oh what's that? You know Mixie the star. My favorite part is that just confirms how many times Rob Van Gogh's at Disneyland. I've only been to Disneyland once because Disneyland's a bitch. Disney World has the real castle. It's a real castle. Like when I went to Disneyland,

I was like, what is this? Is it a souvenir shop? Oh, no, that's the castle. What a horrible version of Disney. It's a real castle in Orlando? It's a humongous castle. And it's real? It's a real castle?

Well, there's nothing in there except break rooms and shit. Yeah, they have the most magical castle in Orlando. Sometimes I wonder. It's called Pulse Nightclub. The Prince of... Come on. It's been like three weeks, guys. It's time to make the jokes.

Alright? I don't know... Alright. Why is there... Alright, that's enough, Brian. I don't know why there's a chimp in Pulse Nightclub. You should do that fag song again. Tony, that was the AIDS monkey.

Oh, watch out. Trump, you keep saying things like that, you're going to keep winning this election. Sirius, I would vote for you if you were actually running for president of the United States of America before Trump. Okie dokie. Vanessa, so you're in Disneyland.

What do you see that's cool? What was your favorite thing? The ride, the Indiana Jones ride. I feel like this is so embarrassing. That's what's good. You have to – that's what people during this interview part don't understand is like that's what makes it great is when you feel that. That means that there's something in you that's worth sharing. So what is it about the Indiana?

What was it about the ride that is embarrassing? No, the ride wasn't embarrassing. I just feel like it's embarrassing that I love that ride. It made me so happy. But everything else was gross. Shut the fuck up, dude. Everything else was disgusting. Hey, Vanessa, how was that foursome with the last guy?

Oh! Oh! Pat, I'm pretty sure you were one of the four, too. You are dressed like a woman right now. My boy, Patty Reagan, knocking it out of the park once again. There you go. So, have you always been a fan of Indiana...

Have you always been a fan of Indiana Jones? No. Why are you so upset talking about this Indiana Jones ride? I don't know, because I feel... Right. Disneyland does stuff to people, like what Red Band just did it makes you weird

I love the Transformers ride at Universal do you really? yeah I mean I'm not afraid to say it it's a good ride it's a fucking really good ride I didn't know you were that trans progressive Tony oh I am

there's definitely people that go like grown adults that go to Disneyland like once, twice a month. There's comedians that are here that are addicted to it. There's a lot of swingers couples that try to invite my boyfriend and I. To Disneyland? Yeah. At Disneyland?

They want to slip you a Mickey. They're like, let's go to Disneyland. God damn it! That's joke of the night right there. Come on, no it's not Jeremiah's top six There's a lot of Latinos at Disneyland I'm thinking about building a wall around it, folks Then it truly will be the happiest place on earth Vanessa, I mean, you're doing it, dude

It's really fucking cool Like a couple of the best jokes since you started Six, seven, eight months ago, whenever that was Have been in the last few weeks So I absolutely love to see that. And I sort of built this part of this show for years now around cool advancements like

this happening. And it makes this part of the show really great for the people that listen to every episode. So we're very proud of you, rooting for you, and keep up the great work. That's great stuff. Another good one. Vanessa Johnson, ladies and gentlemen. Anything else for Vanessa? Did you guys get anything in there? I'm not talking too much.

You guys want to do one more out of the bucket or what? Let's do a quickie. Let's do a quickie. Here we go. One more out of the bucket. It's got to be a quick one. Quick post-interview. Oh my God.

One of our favorites. Currently one of the superstars of the show. Put your hands together for Tam Fam, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. This is a bad motherfucker right here. Oh, he's gotta be here.

Oh no, he's gotta be here. He was here, I think he left. No fucking way. Wow. Is that him right there? No, that's my girlfriend. I thought that was Indiana. It's like a black Indiana Jones.

We know him. We love him. The other huge regular here. The one, the only, Eric Carter, ladies and gentlemen. You know, I know how Southerners sound like to you people. I do. I get it. I get it. But do you ever sit back and wonder what y'all sound like to us? You haven't. Or like when I see a pissed off California dude in Jamba Juice,

Hey man, where's my juice? That's bullshit. Hey, man, that's bullshit. You're being an asshole. But anyways, but growing up... You know, we had a hard shift back home growing up. My parents divorced when I was nine, but it wasn't that dramatic. My dad's family was very supportive of my mama.

Like, I'd marry my cousin coming by and be like, hey, Eric, how you doing? I'm like, I'm doing good. How are you? I'm all right. Is your mama home? I'm like, yeah, she's over in the trailer. Here's your five bucks. Go to the store.

All right. Then my dad's brother my uncle came by hey eric how you doing i'm doing good uncle how are you doing all right is your mama home yeah here's your five bucks go to the store okay you want to finish it is this yes i do keep going eric carter closing strong and then my papa came by, my daddy's daddy, and he says, your mama home? And I was like, yeah. He's like, here's your five bucks. Go to the store. Okay. That's the only

time in my life where I made $15 an hour. Jesus. All of that for that joke, huh? Wow. He really went from Elmer Stud to Elmer Dud at the end of that set. You are unstoppable.

Hey, can you say... Jeremiah can do anything right now. Can you say Uber real fast? Hey, Uber. My papa took an Uber. What the fuck is a papa? Yeah, Eric, you're one of our favorite people. You've truly been on this show for years.

We've watched you do this and that. Always so funny. What's going on in your real life now? Are you still driving for Uber? Yeah, I drive for Uber. I dog shit. Eric's one of the only people that drives Uber on an actual horse, ladies and gentlemen. So for any of you that want to say horse ride.

Horse and buggy. Yeah. Yeah, I love that you come out and you go, moment. So for any of you that want to say horse ride. Horse and buggy. Yeah. Yeah, I love that you come out and you go, you know what I'm sick of? People doing impressions of country people all like this. And you just do your own voice pretty much. Like that.

Good one, Tony. Oh! I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. These are my hilarious pals very good alright settle down you fucking haters keep it going I give you an hour and a half of

pure raw improvised entertainment and you turn on me when the fucking billy goat comes up here southern charm baby well you know what I give your performance like you're uber driving and you turn on me when the fucking billy goat comes up here. Southern charm, baby. Well, you know what? I give your performance like you're Uber driving. Three stars tonight. There you go.

Eric Carter. There he goes, everybody. Call me EC on Twitter. Here's tonight's drawing. Look at this, everybody. Earl Skakel, Kirk Fox, Brian Redband, Tony Hinchcliffe, Hogan ripping the shirt. You got the Roddy Piper on You see that shit?

That's amazing, give it up for the fucking artist Unbelievable drawing by Ryan J. Ebelt The house artist Everything's at RyanJEbelt.com Patty Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins Take it Hit it Please follow me on social media

At JeremiahStandUp And watch Roast Battle on Comedy Central, everybody. That's right. See us all. Josh Martin, comic, touring with Rogan. Joel Jimenez is mostly sorry. Patty Reagan. On Twitter.

P-A-T-T-Y, Reagan on Twitter. Kirk Fox, Earl Skakel. Watch Roast Battle. Anything else you guys want to promote? Anything like that? Kirk Fox is killing it on Periscope. Just happy to be here, man. What?

So funny on Periscope on Twitter. I haven't been on Periscope. Just happy to be here, man. What? So funny on Periscope. I haven't been on Periscope in six months. That's not true. I get alerts for you. No, you, yeah, you just wear on there. I watch you sometimes, Kirk. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. I'm going to a bunch of places in California, especially Boston. I'm going to Australia in October

for nine days, performing in Brisbane, Sydney, and Melbourne. And Oddball, that's right. That's a big one. I'm doing amphitheaters with Brian Regan and Sebastian Maniscalco in the first weekend in September.

That's Chicago, Detroit, and Toronto. Also, we're announcing it right now. We're going to be a part of L.A. Podfest this year. Boom! And we're Friday night at L.A. Podfest. We're going to choose people from

Kill Tony on Mondays to be on this show, so it's going to be in front of a lot of people there. Boom! So there you go. You can be at the LA PodFest live here in Beverly Hills at the end of September. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much.

I love you. Good night. Thank you, Iowa. Thank you. I saw your friend Leroy on the hill Playing straight I told him how I'd lost it all He shook his head He shook his head For a while I couldn't play my guitar like a man I would have done anything to save you again Mama said you were gone for good And I'm the lucky one Thank you.