KILL TONY - KILL TONY #169

Episode Date: August 20, 2016

Bert Kreischer, Brian Moses, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Jeremiah Watkins, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 08/08/2016 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This is Kill Tony. Don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Search the iTunes store for Kill Tony. Hit subscribe and rate and review the show. If you want to, you can also subscribe to Death Squad, which is all the podcasts that we do here at Death Squad, including Verbal Violence,

where you have the new podcast that we just released, Bedtime Stories, and we also have What Brian Redband Do. We have a bunch of stuff, so you can also subscribe to the Death Squad podcast feed. Just search the iTunes store for Death Squad. You could also go to TonyHinchcliffe.com, and that's all Tony Hinchcliffe's information, everything you need to know, like where he is. He has so many tour dates. He's going to be in Chicago.

He's going to be on Toronto, Tulsa, San Francisco, Sacramento. Just go to TonyHinchcliffe.com, and you can get his merchandise. He's got some T-shirts. Go there, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode. You know that. You can go to RyanJEbel.com and get the limited edition

Tony Hinchcliffe Kill Tony movie poster. It's up there. And it's very limited edition. So get it if you want it. It's awesome. Check it out. And last but not least, go to ShopSquad.tv if you want to get all the official Death Squad merchandise,

we have hats and T-shirts, Team 7, Taco Cat Plus. There's still some available if you want the latest Death Squad shirts and hats. There's only a few left, so go to ShopSquad.TV and DeathSquad.TV for everything else, like our tour dates. If you want to know kill Tony records every Monday in the belly room. Every Tuesday we have roast battle in the belly room, which is the verbal violence podcast. Every first and third Friday we have the ice house chronicles of the ice

house. It's a comedy show and we're going to be adding a bunch of bedtime stories to the mix. So check out DeathSquad.tv. Click on Tour Dates. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode

of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Greg, and I'm coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store main room for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 4. Get up for it, Tony. It's Clint. Fuck yeah.

Hi, everybody. Put your hands together. It's a Monday night. We're here, live, in the main room of the Comedy Store. It's all happening. This is great. Fuck yeah. We got Jamie Vernon on the HD camera there in the back. We're on live stream right now. And Ryan J. Ebel is here, everybody. The house artist. Look at that. sheet of paper right now. He's going to draw tonight's episode. You're going to get to see that at the end. I'm excited about a lot of stuff, a lot of tour dates coming up, and fun, fun things. So go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show. How are you guys doing? Red band? The one and only red band's here, everybody. He's right here.

Put your hands together for him. What's up, Brian? What's up? What's a good word? What's up? What's a good word? Anything good happening? Nothing much, man. Have you been checking out the Olympics at all? You see that fatality leg that burst into a triangle, Illuminati triangle.

Yeah, I saw that. That was cool. Did you see how bad the Filipino diving team is? That was from last time. Did you see that? Oh, it was? Yeah. I don't know how that works.

Tulsa, Sacramento, San Francisco Boston's Wilbur Theater in October in Oddball and I'm in Australia if you're listening to the podcast right now from Australia I'm there the end, middle, something middle of October October I'm with you

you ready to start the fucking show or what you motherfuckers we have the coolest thing that we've ever had on this show, it's a band You ready to start the fucking show or what, you motherfuckers? We have the coolest thing that we've ever had on this show. It's a band. They've been with us for quite a while now. I absolutely love them. Always a grand entrance when I bring up the style of your Kill Tony band.

The one, the only, Reagan and Watkins, ladies and gentlemen. And Joel Jimenez on drums. Whoa! Look at this. Wow! Is that Alfred? Alfred? Oh, Alfred running away from the Joker. Joel Jimenez.

The Batman appears to be... Oh, all right. Alfred left. Hey, that's the entrance of Reagan and Watkins, everybody. Fuck yeah. I love that. I entrance of Reagan and Watkins, everybody. Fuck yeah. I loved that. I couldn't quite see what was happening. Alfred, you were just sort of running around there. I didn't know what to do, because Master Wayne was in danger.

Is that really Master Wayne? I mean, he looks a little brown. How many people can you fit in your Batmobile? Quite a bit. I love this costume. You guys outdo yourselves every week. Reagan and Watkins, everybody. They're here.

Thank you so much, Golden Pony. Thank you, Alfred. It's such an honor to have you on the show. Pony. Thank you, Alfred. It's such an honor to have you on the show. Joker, how are you? I've been a fan of yours for quite some time. It's a pleasure to have you on the show. How are you, Joker? I'm fine.

Thank you, Tony. This is very good. I feel like the audience is looking at us like, what is going on right now? What in God's name is happening right now on Kill Tony? I think I have an idea. I think you guys are paying a little, always a different entrance. Last week, we had Trump and Hillary in the band, and this week, obviously, it's the Joker

and Alfred and Batman in homage to the new Suicide Squad movie. And according to a lot of people on Twitter, they wish you guys were part of a different suicide squad. Because they hate you guys lately. It's been pretty vicious. There's a lot of people critiquing. I don't know if you guys have seen any of that. Can you see through your mask, Joel? Have you seen that on Twitter?

I've got some nice speed back lately. I don't know what you're talking about. I love a Batman that has curly ears. I could tell that mask was in a bag with the rest of the stuff earlier today. You've got to iron out your ears if you're going to do Batman, dude. All right. The band is here. We're almost there. You guys ready to meet tonight's comedian guests?

Huh? That's another part of the puzzle. Two guests every single week. Always two of my funniest friends. This week's no different. Return of two of my favorite guests, two of my favorite human beings, and two of my best friends. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the machine, Bert

Kreischer, and the host of Roast Battle, Brian Moses. Uh, uh, uh. There they are. Bert Kreischer. Listen, if I pass out from laughing, it's normal. I took a weird pill today.

Are you just going to wake up? No, because I have this. I'll start coughing, and then you'll see it in my eyes. I passed out once today from laughing. So I'm being dead fucking serious. It's affecting my blood pressure medication. And so if I pass out, it's totally normal.

Just wake me up, and I'll be back. Is it a gas station boner pill? What is it that you took? What's a weird pill? It has pseudofedrin in it. And I don't know what it is. And then I took this painkiller because it's supposed to get rid of a cough and then all this mixed with my blood pressure medicine and a cup of coffee

and a cigar and next thing you know I'm coughing and I passed out. Kill Bert! Welcome to a special episode where You'll see it in my eyes though. I'll go like this. Probably bad to do on a podcast. So can you tell us what the difference between

that and a heart attack would be? It's almost like getting choked out. It's happened to me three times. It's happened once at radio. It's like whenever I get a cough. Dude, if you died on this podcast, we would get so many downloads. Do you realize? Do you have any more painkillers you could take?

Do you want a drink or anything like that? No. We're losing them, everybody. It's already started. We're losing him, everybody. Here we go. It's already started. We got one down. It starts when I'm done. This is epic.

You just started sweating on that one. I know. I know. I'm not healthy right now. Well, thanks for coming on the show. No, don't mention it. Moses, how are you? You're fresh back out of roast battle. Better than burnt right now.

Just health-wise. I'm exhausted. Great work, by the way. You guys saw Tony on TV last week. Yeah, it was fun. Jeremiah Watkins. Shaved his pubes. The first man to ever shave his pubes

live on Comedy Central. Right there. I'm sure all the Alfreds from Batman are so proud right now watching this. Mom must be so proud of you. The mother that raised me is so proud right now. Have you been getting a lot

of feedback about that? Like, did people find you? Did they request it when you go on stage now? Shaved pubes? I mean, I get some tweets that are like, are you the pube guy? And I quote the tweet, and I say, yes, I am the pube guy. Very honest. That was me.

Well, you guys know how it goes down. I have a bucket filled with names of comedians, and for some reason, still a Pokemon ball from about a month ago. I pull a name out of the bucket. You get to do 60 seconds if you signed up for the show. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, that's adorable.

Wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. That's the one. Put your hands up now or I'll shoot! Oh my god. Okay, that's enough. The ones that say things never work. I don't know why you never try them.

We've been through this. It's like 0 for 79 all times. George Zimmerman sound effect? What the fuck was that? Hey, did you see that he got beat up? Yeah, he always gets beat up. But he got beat up and the guy beat him up because he thought he liked black people. Is that true?

I swear to God, he called him an N-word lover and beat him up. And George Zimmerman's like, no, I shot one. And the guy still beat him up and left. He's like, I'm on your team, asshole. Is that true? Yeah. He was a biker with a Confederate flag on, and I guess he just, I don't know, man. I guess he's not really into news.

Some men have no logic. Some men just want to watch the work burn. Some men. You could barely get through that one, huh? Alfred, you thought that was so funny, you almost choked on your own words. I also had some food boys in earlier so I'm feeling that is true actually in the green room

Jeremiah was vomiting profusely so put your hands together for our showman showman of the year the article Jeremiah Watkins god damn comedy jam kill Tony stand up on the spot roast battle are you feeling okay right now, or are you?

If Alfred pukes on this show, right in the middle of the stage. Let's get this shit. Do it. Do it legit. Because if you puke, Bert's probably going to pass out from laughing so hard. I will pass out. It's going to be awesome. We'll have that gif forever.

Cops will come in. Just like nine seconds. Shoot Brian. Alfred just. Alfred just... That'd be amazing. Oh, it's gonna happen. Alright, so let's get this fucking party started. Here we go. You ready to start the show?

That's true. I know, you're like, wow, this was cozy. I thought the show already started. No. It's like when the nurse gives you that shot and you don't even know it's over yet. Okay. Pull the name out of the bucket.

Your first comedian. Let me remind you of how random this craziness is. Literally anybody on the front patio between 6 and 7.30 can sign up for this show. So you never know what's going to happen. Sometimes it's an awesome new comedian on the rise. Sometimes it's a homeless person. Sometimes it's whatever. You can imagine everything in between. I pulled the name out of the bucket. Your first person doing an uninterrupted 60

seconds tonight is Kevin Kavinas. Hi, everybody. Good to be here. I love stand-up comedy. I love the fact that it's ours. It's a uniquely American art form from right here in the United States, like jazz or like abstract art. And I think it's interesting that those three uniquely American art forms have made their biggest advances because of artists who were blown out of their fucking minds on drugs.

I think that's cool. Like you think back a hundred years, there was an American painter, got his hands on some drugs, took the drugs. His mind started to expand and he immediately realized that he was sick and he was tired of looking at paintings of fat, naked white people and bowls of fruit. So he said, fuck it. Took some more drugs, made a painting with a lady with an upside-down head, and a body made out of triangles. European audiences didn't know what the fuck to do with it, but American audiences loved it. Because the real Americans in the audience were out of their fucking minds on drugs, too.

We have all the drugs in America. That's what makes America great. We have all the drugs, and we have hordes of people working feverishly to make even more drugs. I think that's cool, and I can't wait to see what comes next. Thank you. Wow. Thank you. All right.

Kevin. That did way worse than I thought. You might be the funniest substitute teacher that we've ever had on this show. Are you a substitute teacher, Kevin? I am not a substitute teacher. You should be, starting immediately. What do you think about that? What do you do for work, Kevin?

I used to do work in risk management on major, major, like multi-billion dollar... Risk management? On multi-billion dollars. Big risks, like going out and just talking about the art form of comedy and how it's grown with no punchlines. It's a major risk. Did you manage that risk correctly, Kevin? I manage it a lot better when I have more than 60 seconds to work with.

So all I had out here was... You were going to go longer with that? All right, cool. No, I've gone longer with that and it's gotten applause breaks. It's done well, but I can't... I try to cut a... I'm going to stop you right there.

Don't try to write for applause breaks. I think that's the biggest mistake a comic can ever make is like, this will get an applause because you should have just opened up with, don't you love the military? And then they have to clap.

But don't do that. I'm kind of curious where, like, see, part of the comedy that I liked that I don't think you understood was comedy was when you lost me in a sentence about the upside-down triangles with art with a naked woman, a fat chick. Yeah, I fucked that up. Okay. Yeah, that's when I realized I was going to call you a substitute teacher at that moment, right then, if you're wondering. Oh, because of the fucking history lesson? Yeah, it just seemed like what was the punchline to that?

It's just the punchline goes into America, we have all the drugs. I mean, it's a longer bit. Everyone in America is on some kind of drugs. Music sucks now because people don't do drugs like they fucking used to. I thought you were going to pass out drugs. I mean, that's what I felt like the whole time.

You know when that applause break comes in, you just pass out a bunch of fucking heroin needles and everybody's like, yeah! what I felt like the whole time. You know when that applause break comes in, you just pass out a bunch of fucking heroin needles, and everybody's like, yeah! The coolest guy at Johnson and Johnson. It's a bit I wrote on stage, and it does a lot better, and I thought, you know what, I haven't been on stage in a couple months either, so I was like, you know what, I need to,

I've been tied up in my day job, I needed to come out What's your day job? I manage risk on major construction projects, but I'm looking... What does that mean exactly? Like Wilshire Grand Downtown or LAX. It's a multi-billion dollar project. Wait, wait, risk. You mean people dying? Oh, I mean people dying.

Oh, talk about that! Well, I... It's almost there. I have to get... I'm transitioning out of that, and I have to get completely out of that. There are shareholders, there are lawyers involved. There's... I can't come out and just talk about that kind of shit because I'll get sued into fucking oblivion

so I need to I'd roll the dice on the lawsuit as opposed to that earlier material by the way rappers always talk about selling drugs they never get arrested the reason it's been two months since I've been on stage is I'm tied up in a lawsuit now and it's been depositions

and fucking it's is the lawsuit from the girl whose hoodie she left over your place that you're wearing that's a different law that's a different matter what's your uh what's your love life like you don't have a ring on the finger no seem like you seem like you drive like a viper convertible or something like that right i don't drive a viper convertible i fucking uh i mean i like i tried to get a vasectomyible or something like that, right? I don't drive a Viper convertible. I fucking, like, I tried to get a vasectomy when I was, like, 21, 22. Well, lucky does be we're going right there. All right.

That's so weird. Thank you for the rip shot, by the way, Joel. I don't want kids. He mentions vasectomy, Joel. I don't want kids. I never wanted fucking kids. I knew it when I had a really early fucking. Jesus, Kevin, relax.

Take a breath for a second. You asked. You're the test motherfucker. You know that the podcast doesn't shut down if you stop talking, right? relax. Take a breath for a second. You asked! You're an intense motherfucker. You know that the podcast doesn't shut down if you stop talking, right? Yeah. And then I was doing this? Kevin, so let's slow it down for a second.

By the way... I just took a seven minute set and compressed it into 60 seconds. That was your mistake. I would have done a 60 second set in 60 seconds. Don't try to make it more than it is. I don't know. Like, do you do coke?

Not in a long time, but I've got a fucking history, dude. What kind of history do you have? I bet we can hear it in 60 seconds. Other than the class that you're teaching tomorrow afternoon. What history with drugs do you have? I lived in Reno, Nevada for a long time, if that's a start. So there's no fucking there's meth everywhere, coke everywhere, no last call, bars never shut down.

So you can party. You can party for fucking days. And there were times like when I turned 21, I didn't come home for a week and a half. Dude, can I tell you something about you? A week and a half? A week and a fucking half. I'm not getting 21. Look at, like, you should do what you're set in the mirror

because you look really fucking intense. Like, you're like, dude, I fucking lived in Reno, man. There's meth. There's fucking hookers. No one's got teeth. I almost died.

I want to go home. I'm about to cry. You want to talk about some crazy shit, bro? One time when I was 21, didn't come home for a week and a half. Yeah.

That's just an example. That was one week. I'm in a fucking lawsuit. You have no fucking idea. They got me fucking locked down in depositions all day. I did coke once in college. Kill the man. Fucking kill the man. But that is who you are.

That's who we're seeing. Let that be funny as opposed to just drugs are fucking awesome, man. Europeans don't get us. Let that rip. That is true. You seem to have a lot of passion in there. I can do that and that energy will come out

and it will connect, but I've never done it and tried to do it in 60 seconds. I mostly came here to... You're giving me heart palpitations. I can fuck chicks in 60 seconds. Thank you. But yeah, take that. Kevin, when's the last time you got laid?

Too long ago. It was upstairs. Wait, it was upstairs? Yeah, it was months ago. Yeah, and it was upstairs. Here's a new set. Yeah, who was that with? Can you imagine cuddling with her?

I don't think she's in here, but yeah, I probably better not say. Can you imagine cuddling with her? If she comes back, I'm going, but I probably better not say. Can you imagine cuddling with her? If she comes back, I'm going to fuck her again. That was great. I didn't wear a condom. We could have AIDS. Like, seriously. Did you wear a condom?

Yeah. Really? Yeah. You had one in your pocket? Yeah. Well, I knew she was going to be in town, so I fucking, yeah, I brought several condoms. I didn't know what we were going to do upstairs. You wore a condom, but then what was the point of the vasectomy?

I didn't get the vasectomy. I tried to when I was 21. And why do you say vasectomy instead of vasectomy? That's a great question, though. I'm poorly educated. No, I tried to when I was in my early 20s. I lived with a girl. She worked in a doctor's office who did that.

And I said, hey, man, I want to get snipped. And he wouldn't do it. He's like, you're too young. You'll come back and's office who did that. And I said, hey, man, I want to get snipped. And he wouldn't do it. He's like, you're too young. You'll come back and we don't do it. Focus on these stories and those weird things I don't need to know about them. Could make them funny when you do stand-up. I don't want to live with this girl. She was a fucking meth addict, a stripper.

I met her at a tea shop. But allow yourself. You have the rant ability. You seem to like to do that. But allow yourself to go off into bizarreness and be intense and be too intense. Like almost too much for people to handle and people will start laughing I think. Stop trying to do the stuff that you're like trying to remember. Like the bullet points that you had.

Just like totally just let it rip. Did that show you guys? Did everyone – I know Tony is going to see it. Did everyone see that when I was doing my set? What are you guys asking? Who the fuck are you talking to? What are you asking right now? Yeah, I'm asking them. I've never seen that before.

In 170 episodes, I've never seen somebody take their own poll. I'm fucking curious. You guys liked it, though, right? Tony. Now, we've heard from the judges. Now it's time. Text your response to 715. Did you notice that?

What the fuck, Kevin? I like that. You're funny when you're not trying to be fucking funny. I thought... What was that like? By the way, I've never seen crowd work done mass shooting style, by the way. What do you guys...

What do you do for work? Kevin, wow. You are accidentally funny. Allow that to be. That's not bad. You're not trying to be funny. That's when you're the funniest. Kevin, have you ever seen a roast battle

before? Yeah, several. Have you ever done one? Moses, do you think we could put together some kind of middle-aged matchup or something like that? Yeah, several. Have you ever done one? Moses, do you think we could put together some kind of middle-aged matchup or something like that? Find this guy. Oh, fuck. Find this guy some kind of opponent that's just like... Me and Holtzman? I don't know. Is there anybody over there?

Alright. Fuck it. Anything else, Kevin? You know what? I did my first... Oh, wait a second. I didn't... Normally nobody ever answers that. I'm going to allow it. I was going to show some respect, man. Let's hear it. Go ahead. I did my first set of stand-up

three years ago in the OR. Tony was the MC. Is that true? That's 100% true, and he fucking treated me right, and you could... You could have fucking... Wait a second. Was I the person that you fucked here At the comedy store Some nights I drank

It was my first set he could have shit all over my act And I'd have never come back and he didn't do it So I've kept at it for a few years I probably should have Kevin I'm not going to lie looking back on it If I had a time machine And I could go back three years I probably would have shit on you a little harder If I had a time machine and I could go back three years, I probably would have shit on you a little harder.

If I had a time machine and I could go back 30 seconds, I'd have said I don't have anything else. Oh, there you go. Closing strong. Close on that. Kevin Kavinas, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Oh, my goodness.

I love this show. It's just so random. You just never know. He could be put into a sitcom of the guy that walks into the break room at lunch and just unloads and everyone's like this. And then he just walks out and they're like,

whoa. That's Kevin for you. Kevin Kavinas. He's on Twitter at Kavinas. K-I-V-E-N-A-S. So if you're listening to the podcast, sure, go follow him. He's probably already following you. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Tyler Guizar. Hey.

Like you said, my name's Tyler. I really hate my name Tyler. Like when I hear Tyler, I always picture like some white douche with like a pink sweater tied around his neck or something or like a bully in an 80's movie but like not the main bully like the third in command bully kick his ass Johnny

you know that guy that's who Tyler is that's one thing I'm like really jealous of black dudes for black dudes got cooler names you know I mean like all my black friends have a cooler name than me uh DeAndre uh Tyrell uh both my black friends got a cooler name than me one of my favorite things they do is when they take like a boring white name and just put Luh in front of it and immediately it's do is when they take a boring white name and just put Luh in front of it and immediately it's like a way better name somehow.

Like Michael, average white dude. Put Luh in front of it, you got LaMichael. Wow. Thank you. Tyler Guizar. Great work, Tyler the Uncreative. Let's hear another white guy talk about

black names are so cool. Real fucking inventive, Tyler. Yeah, that's lit. Also known as Kevin's son. Good job, man. That's exactly what I was just gonna say. I mean, you and Kevin are just totally like... He's the father and son in this sitcom that we're casting, right?

I mean, it looks like you guys, he's like, don't go up without your hoodie, son. And he took it off and gave it to you. Right before you came up here. You're wearing the exact same hoodie. It looks like you just threw it on, like you were walking up. And he's like, oh, it's your turn. Promised I'd let you wear it if you got pulled, son. We were walking up, and he's like, oh, it's your turn.

I promised I'd let you wear it if you got pulled, son. I like how he was doing the black name bit, and there's literally a black guy right behind him named Brian. Not LeBron. I was thinking that, too. I thought you were going to take those. I was hanging out with my black friends, and I thought you were going to name off the Jackson 5,

which I thought would have been funnier. If you were like Michael, Tito, I don't know the rest of them. I was going to Google it, but they're dead. Now, I noticed, Tyler, you were one of the few comedians ever to bring a beverage up with you for 60 seconds. In a post-interview, you brought a Coors Light cup of, I believe that's water? It's just water. What happens if you don't have water

for like three or four minutes? Oh, no, it was in my hands, and it was just in my hands. I'm like, oh, look, I got to go up, and I just didn't think. Wait, could you do your reaction one more time? Like right when they go, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, it's like that, right? It really is his son. Tyler, Tyler, who, like, so you told us who, the people with the name Tyler are. Who are you? What? Like, you were like, every time you hear, like, Tyler, I thought you were actually describing yourself.

When you're like, Tyler's, like, the fucking white guy that looks like a fucking preppy, and he's got the, and you kind of were, like, painting yourself. Yeah. And then you're, like, the third in command bully. And I was like, I see it. Like a private school. And then, but who are you? Like, what kind of Tyler are you? Who are you? Welcome to Finding Your Voice with Burt Kreischer.

Like, if you're going to paint the three Tylers, then paint your Tyler, too. I'm the kind of Tyler that sucks dick in a seam room. Hell yeah. What kind of Tyler are you? I don't know. I'm 24. Answer it. Sing it.

Sing it to us. Stop. Sing it to us. Sing it. Like, right now. Ready? I'll do it right here. My name is Bert Kreischer.

I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. I got two kids, a wife, and a dog. I'm renovating my house. I can't afford it. I'm outgrowing my dick pretty quickly. Who are you, Tyler? Your turn, Tyler.

Hit it. Go ahead. Go ahead, Tyler. Start with your age. And who lost your virginity to? Yes! You ready? Here you go. Tell us about losing your virginity. It wasn't good.

That's exactly why it's great. Keep going, Tyler. You remember that movie 10,000 B.C.? No. No one does. 10,000 Black Cocks? What does that mean?

I was living in this shitty town. They were building our first mall, and I took the girl to that movie, and then we went to a Payless. It was a future Payless. What a Romeo. Yeah, welcome to another episode of Who Are You? Oh, keep going, Tyler. You were talking about Payless after a movie? Payless shoe store.

Fuck yeah. Nothing gets girls wetter than $10 penny loafers. It wasn't a Payless yet. It was just walls. So you're in the skeleton of a Payless shoe store In a soon to be built mall The blackest thing you've ever done I'm gonna pass out

Don't lean back Don't lean back Oh my god Keep this story going You're doing it Tyler You saw a movie none of us remember And you took her to a place none of us go to Keep going

Well, I had never seen porno before I didn't really know what to do too much How old were you? I was 13, 14 I was 14 Wow, 14, no porno No, I had four brothers and one computer And I was in the living room

So it was like You didn't need porno with those four brothers I had four brothers and one computer And I was in the living room It was hard... You didn't need porno with those four brothers. It was in the living room. It was hard. It was hard. I never, you know... This is not part of it.

Do you see it, Tyler? Do you see why that's funny? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this in your act? Is this in your act? You do really, asshole. Write this down. Write this down.

Keep going. One time... No, no, no. Don't do a bit to me. Keep talking about this. I'm not doing a bit. Okay. So the thing was, I was having trouble, like, getting it in. Like, it was difficult. I thing was I was having trouble getting it in.

It was difficult. I felt like I was just mashing it. Yeah. Were you hard? I was hard. Why wasn't it going in? I think I was too high on the vagina. He got himself.

I like that it's a common mistake right now everybody in the audience is like holy shit I think I can do stand up comedy I think did they just break it down right in front of us shit is epic

even you laughed your ass off at your own stupid ass story you thought the vagina was a little higher up. By the way, I tend to think that in boys that's a very common misconception because everything hangs right off the front. So he's sticking his dick

through her zipper, poking her pubis bone. Is that what it was like? You fucked her in a payless? It was like a cinder block square. That's why I wasn't going in. She wasn't wet at all. This is like a rape story. There was no doors, so you could see all the cars driving by,

and there was plastic hanging from the front windows. Jesus Christ. That'll get any girl wet. It might have been a cool setup. Where did you grow up? In El Centro. That makes sense. That sounds like the center of hell.

It's like a desert town on Southern California. So she had nowhere to run. So Tyler, you're in a payless, you're in the skeleton. How does this thing end? You end up climaxing? I don't think I did.

You don't think you did? I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. How long have you had that loaded up? Oh my God. Tyler, I already like this joke. She's waiting for it to go gay at any moment.

Always goes gay. I already like this joke. Tyler's such a weird name. The first part you did with the preppy thing. The second part you did with the bully. Or the Tyler

that loses his virginity in a built out payless. And then just look at the crowd and be like, okay. Like, I mean,

I like, I like the, you need to tell more about yourself. Yeah. You're bizarre. It's a bad story. I don't think I... I've only told that one

other time and it was at an open mic too. Be vulnerable. Be open. Yeah, let it rip. Do you think she climaxed? Oh, no. Oh, no. That's when you know it's funny because Bert literally is about to die.

He's so close. He was so real. Oh, no. Oh, definitely not. Wow. So do you think you got it in there? Oh, I got it in a couple times. A couple times?

A couple times? At least two or three. They wet the whistle on that one. Two or three pumperoonies. It's not a carnival game. What the fuck? I don't know what to tell you. I don't got any other answers.

It was bad. Have you gotten laid since then, Tyler? What? Have you gotten laid since then? Oh, yeah, yeah. When's the last time you got laid? You said that with a lot of swag. Upstairs, like two weeks ago.

Yes. Nailed it. Brian Redband with a sound effect from his mouth. A sound effect from his mouth? Tell us something else interesting about you, Tyler. What makes you different than everybody else?

Do you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? I don't think so. You're the youngest. Yeah, I'm young. No, no, you're the youngest out of the four brothers with one computer in the living room. I'm the oldest and the shortest. Wait a minute, what? I'm the oldest, yeah.

And the shortest? Wait. They're all shorter? No, I'm the, what? That's not what that means. I thought you were the oldest, sorry. I thought you were the youngest. I thought he was the youngest too. You said you never masturbated to porn because there was four brothers. Well, it's a small apartment with seven people in it.

It's an apartment? Yeah, I grew up in a small apartment in El Centro. This is getting sadder and sadder. Oh, wait. You guys are white, right? No, no. Yeah, what do your parents do for a living? Drugs?

My dad's a trucker. Yeah. Really? This is perfect My dad's a trucker. Yeah. Really? This is perfect. This is who you are. Yeah. No, I mean, I've tried talking about it because I'm Mexican. I don't really know.

You're fucking Mexican? Tyler? Tyler? Tyler? Dude, your name is Tyler and you're Mexican? El Tyler? We played the fucking song Who Are You for seven minutes, you asshole. How are we

finding this out now? I was about to let you go 30 seconds ago. Can I say Hey! Tyler, what do you mean you're Mexican? By the way, let's just take a moment to reflect how

we found out that he was Mexican. We found out there were seven people living in an apartment beforehand. And we're like, what? What do you mean? I don't understand what that means, seven white people in an apartment. Two minutes later, he goes, well, I mean, I am Mexican. What? The Payless story makes so much more sense now.

I can't jerk off in the living. Of course you can. Oh, my God. Your dad's a truck driver. Yeah. That seems like that would be like the loneliest thing to have a dad do for a living. Well, I mean, on summer vacation, I'd go with him for a few days.

On trips and stuff, yeah. Why don't you – I mean, I don't want you to come up here like, so I'm Mexican. But you don't look it, and you're Tyler. No, I mean, I've been trying to talk about like being Mexican, but some people don't believe me. And then – Make them. And then some – I don't them! Do you speak Spanish? No.

They don't believe you, Tyler, because you're probably not saying that you're... You have to acknowledge it. You have to literally say, I'm the whitest Mexican you'll ever see in your entire life. I'm kind of new to stand-up. I'm trying to figure out how to make my family life funnier. You ever hit a piñata?

Oh, yeah. Every year. Wow. You really do that? Every year. I'm trying to really test your Mexican-ness right now. Well, so what it is, my mom was white, but she was a... She was white. And she got fucked by so many... Females.

Black guys that she turned Mexican. Her name is actually Piñata. by so many black guys that she turned Mexican. It's a weird thing. Her nickname is Piñata. They are tapping that ass. I'm hoping the past tense isn't because she's deceased. Keep going, Tyler.

She was white. Oh, good. Okay, she was white. She's green. She's been dead for two years. She was a paranoid schizophrenic. And I got taken away when I was three. And then my grandma on my Mexican side Now she's green. She's been dead for two years. She was a paranoid schizophrenic, and I got taken away when I was three, and then my grandma

on my Mexican side of my family became my foster parent, and then I grew up like that with all my... I don't know my white family. I really only know my Mexican family. Oh, you're like Mowgli. Ooh, Mowgli? Living in a border town in California. The Jungle Book, Tony.

Heard of it? Oh, good job. So your mom is, your real mom is in a psych ward? I don't know now. I don't know where she's at. Wow. Okay, you don't have to go into all those details and stand up. Yeah, that's too much.

However, however, do you understand that, like, my background is like, I just had a mom, a dad, two sisters, and that's it. Two kids, nothing big. I can make that funny.

You have a lot of interesting stuff that no one has, but we find interesting. The fact that you were, your name is Tyler, you're Mexican, you have four brothers, and you grew up

in a Mexican household. And that is, that's very different. So write jokes about you, and you'll stand out, as opposed to like, you told a joke about what the types of toddlers are. You didn't talk about the Mexican ones. Yeah.

And you know what? I would argue that your mom going crazy is funny if you want to talk about it, you know? Yeah, I'm trying to find the funny. The Mexican mom going crazy? I'm sure there's something there. Live in La Vida Loca or something like that? No? You can't hear it over

Brian's sound effect. Tony, I just like to think that there's a guy in the back of the club whenever he's talking about being Mexican that looks at him and is like, man, this guy's a poser, man. This guy's not a Mexican. What are you talking about? Right behind you, Jeremiah.

Great room for the both of us. I think there's always room for another Mexican. You're right. I take it back. Thank you, Tony. Thank you for our senior percussion correspondent, Joel Jimenez, throwing it back to me. One of my favorite things. Senior.

Okay, Tyler. There must be something else. Nothing else? What else? Mexican? We've learned so much. I feel like I'm missing something, though.

I feel like you're not being honest about this. What are your brother's names? Tell us the most vulnerable thing that you don't want anybody to know about you right now. I mean, I'll say it.

I don't know. I don't know. Well, you didn't say it in your minute. Have you ever fingered your ass while jacking off? No. Neither then. That's not a good start.

I haven't done that for another reason. What's the other reason? What's the other reason? Oh, you were born without an asshole. Oh, snap. Wait, what's the other reason? Right now I'm dealing with a lingering case of hemorrhoids. At 24?

Yeah. All that Mexican food. Breaking news. That's what happens when you put a Tyler in the house. I was in the Navy. I was in deployment. You're in the Navy, too? What the fuck, Tyler?

Tyler. There's all these super interesting things about you. You are so bad at telling people about you. It's incredible. It's mind-blowing. I feel like any second we're going to find out, oh, I won the lottery, $35 million last year. Filthy rich.

You guys didn't know that? Tony, what do you think his dating profile looks like? Oh, jeez. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what the dating profile looks like? Oh, geez. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what the dating profile looks like. Do you have any kids?

No. Okay. You were in the Navy. How long were you in the Navy for? Six years. I'm not officially out for two more weeks. I'm on vacation. Really?

Saved all my vacation days for like, I had like 70 vacation days. Yeah, like a real hero. What's the craziest thing about the Navy that no one would know about? Don't try to be funny. What's something about the Navy that no one would know about that you were like, oh, this would be? Like when I was in a fraternity, they used to make us jack off on a cookie, and the last person that came had to eat it. Okie-okie cookie. I've heard of this.

Yeah, yeah. We called it sloppy biscuit. Oh, Jesus. But the gag was. Did you ever eat it? No, the. We called it sloppy biscuit. Oh, Jesus. But the gag was... Did you ever eat it? No, the gag was they'd blindfold you, they'd tell you to do it, and then you'd wait to figure out if you did it, and then they'd tap you on your shoulder and go take your blindfold off, and it was just three dudes jacking off like crazy.

And we were naked, too, and we just watched them all jack off and come, and then we clapped. But... Wow. But no, but what's the thing about the Navy where you're just like, people would never fucking believe this? Yeah. I'm pretty sure we just found out that Bert Kreischer applauded three guys jerking off. I don't know what happened.

You described the craziest shit to try to ask him about that movie. So check it out. We're playing Thick Biscuit. Sloppy biscuit. So what's the craziest thing you saw in the movie? I mean, fuck. Why would you applaud them? And what was their score?

Oh, no. Oh, shit. God. What is the craziest thing you've seen in the Navy? Dude sucking dicks. I mean, Bert really wants to basically jerk off to this later, so make it good and steamy. Into the mic.

Guy falls off the boat. I don't know what the crazy... Oh, yeah, people fell off. Into the bike. I don't know what the crazy... Oh, yeah, people fell off the boat. Damn, I don't know. What happens when someone falls off the boat? They're probably fucking done. But usually, I mean, they have a vest that an alarm goes off

if you hit the water, and then everyone's got a fucking... But I don't know. Tyler. That sucks. You don't sound like you pay attention to your life a whole lot. Well, I mean, I'm still so close to it, and that was like my life. You were there for six years. And it's hard to be able to like, oh, everyone else thinks this is crazy,

but it was like, oh, that's what normal was. So I'm still trying to. What do you think was normal? Well, I mean, I used to hang out with this girl that got in trouble for chugging fucking hand sanitizer on the ship to get drunk because we're just so bored. I don't know. I don't know. Who's this girl? You used to hook up with this chick?

I didn't hook up with her. My buddy did. Your buddy fucked a chick that drank hand sanitizer like on the regular? Cleanest throat ever. She was a black chick. She was a black chick named Purell. There he is. He switched out of Alfred voice

for that joke if you didn't notice, by the way. It was so good he had to get it out out of character. Tyler, it was nice to meet you, dude. There he goes. Tyler Guizar, everybody. He's on Twitter at Tyler Guizar. G-U-I-Z-A-R. That's a Mexican last name.

He's actually a Mexican. Like a whiteback. Something like that, right? Wait, did you just check him out when he walked out? What did you say? He has a nice back? No, he said he's a white back. Instead of a wet back, it didn't get anything. I was actually pretty surprised.

He's a white Mexican. You called him wet back, so I called him a white back. Thank you. I'm excited about this name because I've never seen it before. Put your hands together for KB on Morgan. name because I've never seen it before. Put your hands together for Kavion Morgan. Or

Ravion Morgan? Ravion? Kavion? Sounds like the kind of person that wouldn't show up. It's true, right? Is that racist to say that? No, not not in this room it's not about the black thing it's just about like the blackness of the name am I making it worse by explaining it now period together for Spencer Gill

Hello. I watch a lot of TV. My favorite show is Naked and Afraid. I like everything about it except for the opening sequence. They say, naked and afraid. It's the Everest of survival challenges. it's the Everest of survival challenges no it's not the last time I checked Everest was still the Everest of survival challenges like nobody's died on naked and afraid they just got hot and quit people die every year on Everest and they have to leave them up there

and the guides use them as landmarks. Like, are we to the top yet? Yeah, we're pretty close. How do you know? Well, that's Bob right there. He almost made it to the top last year. Cut to Bob. He's frozen solid. He's got his trendy North Face jacket on. He's spooning an empty oxygen tank. Yeah, you almost got that cool Facebook profile picture. That's it. Yeah, Spencer Gill. I like your style, Spencer.

Where you from, man? Washington, Oregon. No, Illinois. Illinois. All right, the Oregon of the Midwest. No, Illinois. Illinois. All right. The Oregon of the Midwest. I love it. Spencer, how long have you been in Los Angeles?

One month. How long have you been doing stand-up? I started in 2007, but there's been some hiatuses in there. I would imagine so. 2007, that's a long time ago. What were the hiatuses? College. I worked at a factory and I couldn't really get it. And I live like in a

podunk small town. No. You? You do have that, hey, I'm lost, can you give me directions look. Yeah, definitely. And he was busy filming Last Man on Earth. No? No Will Forte fans on the ground?

Last Man on Earth. Oh, yeah. He does look like Will Forte in that. Okay, yeah, yeah. He looks like Will Fifte, if you ask me. I bet you're a hit at all the Trader Joe's break rooms. You look so much like one of those tellers, man. You're a scary looking dude. We could get you cast in something,

hopefully. What kind of factory did you work in? A headlight factory. A what? A headlight factory, like headlights for cars. I thought you said headlice. That seemed sort of fitting, I was going to say. You seem like the kind of guy that would breed headlights

in a factory. Suspenser. What's your family like? How small of a town are we talking? Let's just get into it. 5,000. 5,000. Holy shit.

In Illinois? Yes. Wow. Do you guys listen to podcasts out there? Well, I do. I do. I don't think anybody else does, so I think I'm safe. How do you know about this stuff?

How do you find out about the internet with 5,000 people there? It took a while. It took a while. Yeah. It took a while to get out there. Do you find yourself interesting? No. Okay.

Because I like the – there are people that – there are comics that just take apart like a show like Naked and Afraid, and I like it. And you seem to do – once you started to talk about the Everest stuff, I kind of saw the Everest joke coming. It took a little long. So I'd lose that or try to write it better or try to get into that better. If you have a big chunk about Everest, maybe I'd try to approach that differently. But what's the most interesting thing about you? I don't know.

It's probably comedy. You're from a small town. That's pretty much all. I've got no other, I don't like do the Rubik's Cube or yo-yo or guitar. I play a little guitar. Wow. Wow. That's your litmus for interesting?

I don't do the Rubik's Cube or the yo-yo. You know, I know everybody's having fun with this new thing they call the ball. But it just ain't my thing. I have a visual of his grandmother raising him and be like, Get back in here, boy, and I'm going to let you play with the string again. Is that what it was? Were you an only child? He nailed it. I live with my grandparents.

Are you fucking serious? Wow. I should work at a fucking fair. Yeah. You guys could all have jobs together. Spencer looks like he lets people on the rides there. Spencer,

so you're working at a... What other crazy gigs do you have? I would love it if you were my Uber driver. I would just be scared as fuck the whole time looking in the rearview mirror to see if you were looking at me. Well, I was a youth developmental specialist for a while. Oh, yeah, we know what that means.

The most rugged baby handjob you've ever seen in your life, guys. Develop those youths. Do you think there's any chance you could do anything with Tyler Guizar? Anyway. When was the last time you got laid? College. How old are you?

29. Okay. What? Well, jack that shit up, Brad. Yeah, this is the loudest volume. This is what 29 looks like when you give up at 26. Okay. Why'd you give up at 26?

I don't know. Well, when he gets naked, people get afraid. Oh. Pat Reagan. I like it. Sitting on a bazooka back there. That's a funny fucking joke. One for one, Pat Reagan.

Only shooting from half court tonight. I love it. Man, you are an interesting... You look like your name would be Spencer Gill. Yeah. You fish? No. He barely does the Rubik's Cube.

Or the yo-yo. You said they were like dances from the 50s. I don't do the Rubik's Cube or the yo-yo. Favorite band in high school? Fish. Fish. I don't know. Probably like the White Stripes or something.

5,000 in Illinois. Did you guys know any black people? Any Mexican people like Tyler, maybe? No. Really? There are a few Mexican people, but no black people. So you've been out here for a month. I'm happy about that.

Did you get around often before leaving? What's the name of the city in Illinois? Flora. Flora. Oh, God, that sounds scary. That sounds like the exit that you see at nighttime, like just Flora and there's nothing else around it. I knew a girl.

5,000. Devil's rejects, man. So what if you plugged yourself into these jokes? Like what if you put boring Brian. What's your name again? Spencer. Spencer. again? Spencer. Spencer. Spencer.

What if you put, like, boring string playing with Spencer with his grandma and his grandpa. Well, I've got lots of grandpa jokes. Crisscross applesauce in the hardwood living room floor with the tube on watching Jack Benny reruns. Wow. What if you put that character into these shows that you watch on TV? Like, what if you put it, if I was on, if I hiked ever, like, because you seem... I do sort of

feel like you're, like, trying to perform a little bit more, like, you're going more, maybe you're a little bit more, maybe you have a little bit more, like, in you. Yes, yeah. I got more, yes, I have more than a minute. No, I'm saying, like, more of, like, that I'm saying more of that South scary shit that you look like. I feel like you should sound more how you look.

Yeah, I've got beard jokes and stuff like that. No, not exactly what I'm talking about. Spencer, I'm going to get back to something. I sort of got off track here for a second. I agree with everything Bert just said, but also this. Brian was on to something. So you didn't really get out of there much. So what's the closest

relationship you've ever had with a black person before? Did you live in a log cabin? Are you related to the Lincolns? And are we seeing it right now with you being this close to Brian Moses? Pretty much. No, I haven't. Get a picture of that.

Is this true, pretty much? This is your closest encounter with a black man? I do comedy in St. Louis when I was back in Florida town. This is black as it gets. That's true. That's the black Death Star. We all know that. They all come from St. Louis.

St. Louis. I was listening to Nelly's album. What was that one? How do they take to you? Country Grammar. I found that album. Black audiences. How do black was listening to Nelly's album. What was that one? How do they take to you? Country Grammar. I found that album. Black audiences. How do black audiences take to you?

Oh, they don't like my racist stuff. You have racist stuff? Why did you open with that? Here we go. Here we go, Spencer. We found it. I knew we'd find it. This is like when you told us you were fucking Mexican.

Yeah. First of all, there may be nobody in all the show business right now that's more of a current proponent than free speech and being able to say anything you want than this guy right here, Brian Moses, the host of Rose Battle. So since this is a perfect

eclipse, and my black friend with the best sense of humor just so happens to be on the panel, I want to hear some of these racist jokes that you have. Brian, do you A black friend with the best sense of humor just so happens to be on the panel. It's good to be here. I want to hear some of these racist jokes that you have. Brian, do you as well? I can't wait to hear these, by the way. Because I was going to say, like, you're a closet racist, but you're totally out.

So I like that about you because you look like you. We want you to come all the way out of the closet. If the N-word's in it. I didn't say it. But I didn't correct that random audience member for the first time in 170 episodes. They can't wait either. Spencer, fire off some of your favorite racist jokes for us. This is great.

If any black people in the room want to kill Spencer at any point, I mean, you can do whatever you want. But you have to wait until after, like way after, the end of the night when he's walking to the bus stop. Can't do it here, all right? You're going to get us in trouble. The manager's watching right over there. Do it at the laugh factory. Put your hands together for Jody, everybody, one of the coolest managers. Everybody's so cool.

All right, let's hear some racist jokes. Okay, I get accused of being racist or like white supremacist, but I'm not racist, and I don't even understand white supremacy. Like if whites were the supreme race, then why does the supreme pizza have everything on it? Shouldn't it be just cheese? You can call me slicest all you want to. I think the supreme pizza should be pepperoni. Pepperoni power. Pepperoni power! Pepperoni power!

I can see there's some veggie lovers in the audience, you goddamn veggie lovers. Wow. If you're offended by that joke, you have thin crust. Oh, hey. Oh, dial it. I love this. Do not be afraid. That wasn't even that racist.

That wasn't racist at all. I got some other better ones. By the way, I love how fast... My favorite thing of that entire thing was how fast it went. As soon as the joke started, it went from zero to 100 real quick. Some people say I'm a racist

and a white supremacist. I've never heard that set up in nine years of doing stand-up comedy pretty much every night. I've never heard someone go, some people say I'm a racist or a white supremacist. You know what I'm talking about, right? When people call you a white supremacist? The way you said that was unbelievable. I feel like you performed in Flora, Illinois quite a few times. Mostly rallies.

All right, can we get perhaps some more? Wait a second. Hey, Tony, we got some breaking news, though. Jeremiah just had to puke again. Oh, is that true? Yeah, I didn't want to do it in front of you guys. Oh, my goodness. And you came out dressed like Peter Pan for some reason.

The wig fell off when I threw up. Wow. Breaking news here on Kill Tony. There is a mound of gray hair on a pile of puke in the main room bathroom right now. Wow. That's epic. The wick fell off. When you were puking, were you still an Alfred voice? I was like, oh, sorry, toilet.

I was like, oh, no, no. Why do we fall, Master Wayne? So we can light up the hotel back up. Jeremiah Watkins. Spencer, can we get one more racist joke from you? Oh, do you have any rape jokes? Oh, I have another. It's too long, though.

Do you have any rape jokes? Rape jokes? No. Just try to think of one real quick. Legally. Start off with, some people call me a rapist. Some people call me a rapist.

It's one chick. It's one fucking chick. call me a rapist. Some people call me a rapist. It's one chick. It's one fucking chick. Rape supremacist. Give me that fucking hard ass, not the N-word, but that really hard racist joke of yours. What do you think? It takes two minutes. Brian, I think this is the question that you're asking. What is the meanest thing that you've ever

thought or said about a black person in your life? Thought or said? What is that? Thought or said? Was it thought or said? Let's do said first and then thought. You say both and we'll guess.

I'm not really racist. Sorry. I just have American history. You can do better than that. Oh, I got one. Have you ever heard of Yes and Spencer? All right. Nothing on that?

Most racist thing you've ever said out loud. You know what it is. You remember. You remember what that situation was like. You're there. You're trying to get a parking spot or something like that. There's no black people in Florida. Oh yeah, that's true.

It's like a reverse thing. I guess you can't really be that racist. What's the worst thing you ever yelled at your TV that a black person was on? Pass the ball. Oh, shit. Pass the ball. Holy shit.

Spencer, anything? I got nothing. Sorry. Sorry, Tony. I love that. It's okay. Tony, doesn't he look like the Spencer that owns Spencer's anything? I got nothing. Sorry. Sorry, Tony. I love that. It's okay. Tony, doesn't he look like the Spencer that owns Spencer's Gifts? Ironic because he's never been to Spencer's Gifts, I promise you. I've been there. Oh, yeah. Really?

Why didn't you pick up a Rubik's Cube? Or one of those, the yo-yos. One of those are yo-yos. Spencer, so you were raised by your grandparents. Were they a little racist, do you think? Their grandparents.

Did you guys hear the noise he just made, though? It's so compelling to me. He just moaned like some kind of dying deer. I can't watch The Price is Right with my grandparents. Wait, you're telling me... They're so racist that there's too many black people on The Price is Right for them? That might be the most racist shit we've ever heard in our lives.

Absolutely. I can't watch this Price is is right. All those fucking... I'm not going to say it, but I said enough to put the image in your head and my black friends are all laughing, so we did it again.

The funny thing is they nailed it. You can't watch The Price is Right. Oh, that's so great. That is the funniest shit. This is stuff that you fucking...

Look, some people might not get it and it might take a while, but if you want to do stand-up and, like, it just seems like that type of fucking shit. Like, if you talk about, like, you didn't even think that was that crazy, right? But then you hear that reaction and the explanation and everything, and that's your real thing. That's yours. Your grandparents were so great. Your grandma, did you say?

Specifically, I think you narrowed it down. Did you say both grandparents? Both, yeah. Oh, both. Oh, they're just teaming up. Well, man. It's priceless. Tag teaming each other with racism.

Oh, look at her run to that fucking front. Not wearing a bra. Who doesn't wear a bra? Well, well, well. And what's that name say on the name tag? Jaquanda? What does that say? Michael? Tyler.

Well, well. Another stinko playing plinko. I see what's going on. Racist prices right jokes, everybody. Of course she's going to know how much the cleaning supplies is. She's Mexican. Oh, my God. Now, this one.

Now, there's no way that that black man is going to know what a Christlula Baron cloths. I fucking love this bit, man. Yeah, it's amazing. Watching The Price is Right with racist grandparents is, by the way, is a fantastic fucking bit. Doesn't need to even be able to guess the price of the car if he just takes it off the lot right after the show's over. Watch those keys, Bob Barker. Hey, Miguel, it's in dollars, not pesos, okay? Oh, I fucking love this bit.

Me too. Oh, weak cruise. I, Spence. Me too. Oh, weak cruise. I hope you're going back to Africa. I hope to hell she did. That's amazing. No, you're absolutely right. I hope they win a trip to Africa.

That's amazing. Nobody earned it. That's Brian Moses. Unbelievable. I mean, what are you learning here, Spencer? I mean, the same thing we've been learning all night is that if you dig a little bit and you find out something about you that's, you know, priceless to you, then you have a fucking gold mine. And racism with prices, right?

I mean, it's so universal. It's the cleanest show and the nicest, most friendly show, and you can't watch it with your grandparents because they're too racist. Oh, that is so fucking good. Yeah. Showcase, showdown, motherf is so fucking good. Yeah. Showcase showdown, motherfuckers. Always making it.

You know they have to have a certain amount of them win. Change it. It's an Asian and a Mexican. I don't even want to see it win. That ain't even the real price. They need to let them win sometimes so that America sees them win. How are you going to have a 6'3 black man spin the wheel against a white girl? That ain't fair.

I love this bit, man. Yes. They need to put a club. They need to put the club on that wheel. Stop them from spinning it like that. Oh, Jesus Christ. Sure, sure. They can all gamble on how much the car is. The Mexican's going to steal it anyway. I fucking love that. I want this bit.

I want to meet your grandparents. I want to watch The Price is Right with your fucking grandparents. Bob Barker better watch his beauties or they're about to get raped. Just random rape. There you go. Price is Right joke. It's all yours, Spencer. It's your story. You get it. Tonight There you go. Price is right joke. It's all yours, Spencer. It's your story.

You get it. Tonight you won your own price is right joke. There he goes. Yeah. Spencer Gill. Any of those tags, anyone you want. You have that last part? That was good.

I love Judge Judy, though. I can't figure out exactly what you look like right now, Jeremiah. There's something with that haircut. It's some kind of like... Because you don't have your normal flare-out thing. Normally, you use a curling iron before the show. He looks like the guy from Kingpin, not Jim Carrey, but the other guy.

Oh, yeah, Woody Harrelson. Randy Quaid! Randy Quaid! Oh, yeah. Randy Quaid. Randy Quaid. Oh, yeah. Randy Quaid. It looks like both of them somehow. You look like the entire cast of Kingpin. Oh, my God.

By the way, if you haven't seen Kingpin, you have to re-watch. If you haven't seen it in the past five years, you have to watch it again. It's literally like, it's right up there with the funniest movies ever. Made by the same guys that made Dumb and Dumber, the Westman-Cullough brothers. Fairly brothers. But I honestly, and you can take the Pepsi challenge to this,

watch Kingpin again, if you don't think that it's better than Dumb and Dumber. I'll buy you a donut. Oh, yeah. I spent most of my life being a Dumb and Dumber guy. I think this was just two years ago that I rewatched Kingpin, and I was like, this is fucking crazy. Because I don't really laugh out loud at anything,

but there's so many parts of that that's nuts. It takes a while for it to get cooking, but 15 minutes in, it's straight up. Kingpin is like a cult classic. Dumb and Dumber is like a straight up comedy classic. I disagree. I rewatched it like a month ago, and it was awful. Kingpin? I was the biggest Kingpin fan my whole life.

You have terrible taste in Kingpin. No, no, I swear to God. I even got the book Comedy Writer because I loved Kingpin so much, and I rewatched it a month ago. It was not good. I even got the book Comedy Writer because I loved Kingpin so much. And I rewatched it a month ago. You got a book called Comedy Writer? It's called The Comedy Writer from the guys that wrote the movie. I pulled another name out of the bucket.

It looks like a new name. Put your hands together for John Gamora. Oh, my goodness. Ah. You guys are good people. We don't have good people like you back home in hell, you know? How's it going? A little bit about me.

I come from a family that likes to buy a lot of meat rubs. Anyone else? I can feel it. I don't think it's a secret already, you guys. I am a sex therapist on my free time, anyone else? I can feel it. I don't think it's a secret already, you guys. I am a sex therapist on my free time, you know? I like to help people. And when I was, like, before the show, I was actually, like, going through the audience,

like, listening to things. As a sex therapist, you know, it concerned me. You know, I heard from this side of the room, you know, how do I become a sex symbol again? And, I mean, look at me, becoming a sex symbol. I haven't been a sex symbol since I was a child, you know. I heard from this side of the room, you know, is anal the only way to save my marriage? Yes. Yes, it is. I love, you know, exploring the sex, you know, that people have, you know, what people find interesting, it is. I love exploring the sex that people have, what people find interesting.

I love it when... Oh, thank you. Fuck yeah, John Gamora. Wow. Wow is right. Yes. We are playing the crying game. Thank you.

I love this. It's nice to meet you. This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah. You've been here before? You've seen the show? Mm-mm. I'm pretty sure this guy just came out of the closet.

He got so excited at you, John, that he's popping bottles over right now. Hey, Tony. Yeah? I think this is one of the guys that that guy's grandparents would hate on Price is Right. Well, well, well well look at this look what we got here one of those uh what do we go i'm like girly boys um john what's your story man where you from from sacramento sacramento how long you been in la uh like three months now three months how old are you i just turned 21 last week wow wow geez it're a babe. Wow. Jeez. It's going to be really hard.

You're still discovering a lot about yourself at 21, and coming from Sacramento, which I don't find is like the taffy capital of the world or something. It's not like the most open-minded place. It's chill. Is it really? Yeah, it's chill. Oh, okay.

And so it's going to be really hard. Like, you've got to, like, I don't know. I wouldn't even know where to start. You're so likable when you come on stage. Was it chill Sacramento? Yeah, he was saying it was. He said it was chill. Hottest women in California.

If there's anybody that's been on the show tonight that would definitely love SAC, I would think it'd be you. Sacramento is a pretty god-awful city. It's the worst. It's the worst. It's the worst. But it's like you were saying it in the frame, in the context of like, oh, it's not safe.

It's chill. Do you do stand-up comedy? Have you done it before? For the past three years. In Sacramento? Yeah. And how long have you been in LA again? A month?

Like three months now. Three months. You live here now? Yeah. What are you doing for work? I work at a Section 8 listing company. Wow. Okay.

Section 8 listing. Didn't see that coming. Who files Section 8? Like, do you interact with people that are filing for Section 8, or do you just? No, we just interact with the Section 8 house, like, you know, apartment complexes, and then just, you know, list them on door site. Yeah. Yeah.

What'd you do in Sacramento for work? I went to school full time. To study what? Graphic design. Graphic design. The string around your neck, it's very confusing to me. If you pull that, does your head fall off? Yes. 100%.

It's so hard for me from the outside looking at you because you have so much persona. It's all on the outside and I'm looking in. And I can see through you. You see your true colors. Because inside I'm empty. That's what I was thinking. Keep going.

We have so much personality, so much persona on stage that your persona is over. It's overriding anything you're saying. Some kind of that makes sense. Yes. Like if I like if I came up because of what I look like and I was like, what's up, motherfuckers? Like that's my energy, right? And I was like, yeah, that's right, bitches. Yeah, fucking take some.

Get some. Get some. Let's kill a beer. That's a little bit of my act. But so what you have to do is you really – I think you really have to focus on writing a joke, like a set-up punch. Set-up punch. Set-up punch. And don't – it's so dangerous for me to give you any insight because I really am coming from a totally different side of stand-up than you are. Yeah.

But you're so likable. The second you came out, I went, I already like this kid. He looks like a fucking lead singer of a band I dig. Totally. You have a ton of charisma. And I think Bert's definitely spot on. It's like, you should be more direct

with what you're saying. You're like, I'm a sex therapist. I like that in my spare time. I'm like, what are you saying? You have a lot of sex. Are you a prostitute?

Do you have a lot of sex right now? Yeah. Tons. No. Not really, no. Oh, then don't lie to him. Tell him the truth. But I'm not lying.

You said you're a sex therapist. Why can't I be? Because you're not. Are you certified? Are you certified as a sex therapist? No. And you're not getting laid? I just think it's funny.

Yeah, but we don't. Oh, okay. No, but that's the thing. I'm on the outside and I'm looking down. But what I'm saying is you do think it's funny. Hey, I'm looking at home. But what I'm saying is you do think it's funny. Hey, I'm a sex therapist, but that actually puts a lot of questions in our head.

All these kids getting a lot of fucking action right now. Who's he fucking? Where's he fucking? But you're not fucking anybody. So be open with who you are. I'm gay and I'm not gay. You're gay, right? No.

I'm on the outside. I'm looking down. You are, right? No. You're not gay? No. You're straight? Mm-hmm.

I didn't want to touch it. Hold the fucking phone. Yeah, that's why I didn't want to touch that one. Wow. I didn't want to be presumptuous because you didn't say you were. I didn't know if you were trans. I didn't want to be insensitive to you. It's what everybody in the room was thinking. Do you know that

or are you unaware of that? I had to go through this too at one point. By the way. People told me that I seem gay in every single way and I sort of didn't see it. But now I joke about it and stuff like that and it's okay because I acknowledge it.

Do you know that you seem that way? Like when you bought those capris? Right. You're like, I'm going to get so much pussy with these. And you said you like anal. You said anal. You did say anal. That's why it was confusing.

That's why he's confused. Then let's start from scratch. You confuse the fuck out of us. Okay, cool. Okay, cool. Like, be who you are, but let us know who you are. You were raised by a single mom. You have two older sisters. Am I correct? No be who you are, but let us know who you are. You were raised by a single mom. You have two older sisters.

Am I correct? No. Fuck. Yeah, we don't know who you are. We want to know because you're so fucking likable, like Burt was saying. We want to know everything about you. I kind of want to date you. Oh, thank you.

Single mom, though, right? Huh? I mean, not until I turned 18 did they divorce. So they were, I was not a single mom yet. I was not a single mom yet. It was not a single mom situation. They fought a lot? What does your father think about you? I don't know.

I don't know, actually. You don't know him? Do you guys have a relationship? A little bit. What is Russell Brand? I think this is sort of where we're at. It's too much to dig. We're almost getting somewhere, though. Last time you talked to your dad, I mean, do you mind talking about this?

No, it's chill. It's always fun to find out the compelling stories of people because everybody's so different. So, like, the last time you talked to your dad, what was that like? How does that happen? How does that end? How often do you guys communicate? Well, he's been around for, like he's been around when I was growing up, but he was an alcoholic, so it was one of those things

where you're like, not really. Did he ever hit you? I mean, nothing beyond the belt. It was just like, nothing beyond the belt. Is he the one that tied the string around your neck when you were a little boy? Okay, now I'm totally seeing you for who you are. Only my father knows how to disengage

this knot. Well, Bert's also a father, so I want to hear this. How much did your dad drink for him to be that kind of guy? I don't know. Every night? Every night, yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Did you drink with him? No, I don't drink. Okay, so I think what we're getting at is, let's just do a show of hands real quick. And this is no judgment and whatever, but if you thought that he was gay when he came on stage, just raise your hand. So it's as if we were misreading everything you were saying. Because we had a, and this isn't racist.

This is called, this is like, when you go up on stage, you're presenting a piece of art. It's literally the same thing you saw us go through if you were here during Tyler Guzzar, when he's like, by the way, I'm Mexican. It's like, we thought he was white. It's also a reflection on us because we're also assuming that you're gay.

You never said it, so it's a reflection on us. We're all bad people. That's what we think gay people are. And you're beautiful. You're a fucking good looking dude. Perfect locks of hair. You called yourself a sex symbol at one point during your 60 seconds. You do know that, right?

I am aware. Dude, I am totally seeing his personality now. Are you just not gay yet? because you realize this is broadcast? And you're like, wait, don't want them to find out on a stupid TV. You stream show or whatever. Cut to this. They have this podcast streaming live right now at a bar that his dad's drinking at. Just looking up like, what the fuck?

Are they calling my son gay? I'm going to go get back in his life right now. Could be happening. That's the newest age way to come out of the closet. So recently I came out of the speaker. I came out to my father on Periscope. So then tell us something about you. Because with what you present on stage,

tell us a part about you that's interesting. Have you ever been in a fist fight? No. Have you ever been in a cat fight? Have you ever been fisted? Do you have a girlfriend? Huh? Do you have a girlfriend?

Do you have a girlfriend? No. How old were you when Do you have a girlfriend? No. How old were you when you lost your virginity? 18. 18? Yeah. What was that like for you? It's fine.

Was it in the skeleton of a Payless shoe store? It was in, yes. Where was it? It was actually in the Cinnabon next door. No, it was at my house, like in the apartment, you know, around here. That's fun. Yeah. What was she like?

She was fine. You guys just got done? What did you guys do before that? Drink. Stand-up, actually. You did stand-up? Yeah. At 18?

Mm-hmm. 2021, three years. Yeah. Yep, that makes sense. Huh, she did stand-up too a little bit interesting the only thing you're gonna get look i'm 43 years old i mean i don't fucking take anything i say take it with a grain of salt the only thing you're gonna get from me is a perspective of who will sit in an audience one day and what i saw when i saw on stage and what misled me

and that's and that's it so now and don't take that for a grain of salt but use it to assume hey maybe not everyone gets the vibe i'm putting out yeah and and and like tony said acknowledge it and move past it and be who you are be exactly who you are an interesting thing that happened with me uh in my development here actually was the old talent coordinator, Tommy, ran everything here. And I was like a few years in, three, four years in, and he started telling my friends and other people like, well, he's gay and he's not talking about it. When Tony's honest with himself and acknowledges how gay he is,

then maybe he'll be a paid regular sometime. Until then, until he's real with himself, I got wind of this from my buddies that are like, dude, Tommy thinks you're gay. That's why you're not a paid regular yet. I'm like, what the fuck? This is a true story, by the way. This is all real.

I'm not even kidding. That week, I'm like, alright, I know how to fix this, because I'm not really gay, so I'm not even kidding. That week, I'm like, all right, so I know how to fix this because I'm not really gay. So I'm going to acknowledge why I seem gay. Okay, gotcha. I'm going to acknowledge why I seem gay, and I'm going to write a thing about what is gay about me. So I wrote a thing about having a gay face and sounding gay and all this shit. Which is one of the funniest things ever.

And it killed harder than anything that I ever did before. And then there was two or three years where I couldn't do a set without opening up with that exact joke because it got everything out of the way immediately. You have to figure out what your gay face is. And it's not... Or maybe do you have string around both of your heads?

Maybe loosen the little one a little. You have more of a, it's not really your face that's gay because you could totally be banging pussy by your look. You have a super gay swagger. Yeah. Super fucking gay swagger. I've never seen a straight man look out into the audience

and basically be like, because I am a sex symbol. Yeah, you have hot chick swag. Also, you're holding the microphone and you've been twisting it the whole time while you've been talking. A lot of that. A lot of movement.

You can't help what people in the audience are going to think, but they are going to think it. People think I'm fucking fat. They're wrong. You're right. Tom's fat. If you want to see what fat is, look up Tom Segura on Google. Oh, come on. Why are we keeping this?

John, tell us one more interesting thing about you. Any special skills or talents? Anything that you can do? You've never had a gay experience. At all? No. Really? My legs hyper extend. That's the one thing that's interesting.

Do they hyperextend when you're behind another dude? So it's like you're not gay, but your body wants to be gay. He's a gay demon! He's a gay demon. Can I see your legs hyperextend again? What was that? I mean, damn! Oh, yeah.

That's so that you could back up in a cock better. Your body is actually trying to tell you something. John, so you're saying not gay at all? No. Don't look at him lovingly like that. What the fuck was that? Even the way you said you're not gay was the gayest way I've ever heard. I'm not making fun of that.

I don't want you to fucking second guess anything about your life but you were like no it felt like you were going to pull a lollipop out of your mouth seriously and I never will be I'm a sex symbol homoerotic you just ooze sex you do have a rockstar look

like a Michael Hutchins you jerk off a lot you a horny guy not really Oh, thank you. You do have a rock star look, like a Michael Hutchins or something. Do you jerk off a lot? Are you a horny guy? Not really, no. Whoa. Whoa. That's interesting.

Who are you? I'm an enigma. Who are you? He's like that section of the store where you don't know if it's men's or women's clothing. Unisex, yeah. Well, there's a bra, but there's also a pair of work boots. You are hotter than my wife. Here we are.

We're in the Who Are You chamber with John. What do you weigh? What do you weigh? What do you weigh? One, like, 40. 140, I'll take it. Wow. Fucking welterweight.

John, anything else other than you can hyperextend your legs? Something that you've been through personally? A secret. A secret? Any weird camp story? Tyler told us he was hanging out with a girl

that was drinking hand sanitizer, for example. Yeah. Any weird friends? Do anything weird? Do I have any weird fucking friends? Any times you're walking around West Hollywood and a guy mistakes you as gay and you have to explain to him,

no, I'm not, but you'll take the money anyway? Oh, yeah. No. Where are you living now that money anyway? Oh, yeah. No. Where are you living now that you're in L.A.? Downtown. Downtown. Downtown. You have a lot of guy friends, a lot of girl friends.

They're a good mixture. You know, I'm over this, John. God damn it. I know something about you. What makes you interesting besides everything? You ever try to suck your own dick? Yes. Me too.

That's all I needed to know. Next. What happened? Doesn't it look like if you lift up the back of his hair, there's a little small tiny cowboy hat? Don't ever tap me on my shoulder like that again. That's not a thing you can do. I stopped that because I'm like, wow, Brian might have something really good here. He's never tapped me on my back, in the middle of my back before.

Doesn't it look like he has a tiny cowboy hat? All right, fine. Of all the things going on here, a tiny cowboy hat? It looks like he has a little baby tiny small cowboy hat underneath his hair. John, you're into fashion a lot? Do you always dress like a rock star, sort of? You always have that thing? Yeah, it's for chill.

You called yourself a sex symbol. What do you mean by that? Tell us more about that. What are you talking about? I guess, you know, I think when you're on stage, you're just desexualized to the point of like, what's up? Or if you're like, ah, fuck, people are like, ah, ha. So being so forward with the fact that I do consider myself a sex symbol is a powerful statement of itself.

Okay, talk about anal. You said an anal joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever done anal? How many marriages have been saved by anal? Not a lot. They've been ruined by anal. Have you ever fucked a chick in the ass?

No. Sometimes they shit blood. Sometimes? Anal's not the greatest fucking savior. Once you fuck a chick in the ass, then you'll have a different perspective of anal. Sometimes they shit blood

and the guy fucking them gets so excited that he passes out because he mixed his blood pressure medicine with whatever the fuck. You should fuck a chick in the ass before you talk about anal. Hey, don't talk about riding horses if you've never ridden a horse.

Or fucked a horse in his asshole. A lot of girls have undiagnosed internal hemorrhoids also. I love when Brian does this. It gets messy. They get diagnosed with these hemorrhoids after fucking Brian. Brian will take one life experience he's had

and generalize it for all of us. It's my favorite thing about him. A lot of women would have hemorrhoids they don't know about. A lot of girls get crabs when they ride in a jetta. Your dad's never called you a faggot? For real? Let's get right to it.

Welcome to the truth chamber, John. There's friends of mine who aren't as effeminate as to happen to. For example, I got called a faggot on Comedy Central last week. Word. Live, on Roast Battle, and wait for it, wait for it.

Comedy Central didn't bleep it. What does that tell you? I'm a faggot. And I mean, I'm sure they wouldn't bleep it for you. If they didn't bleep it for me, look, I acknowledge that I have some feminine qualities, but you're like 30%, 40%, 50% at least more than me.

I think I'm hyper-aware enough to know. Right? 30%, 40% more? Am I really that gay that I'm almost as gay as John Gamora? Jesus Christ. What's your ethnic background? Like a mixture of things. Yeah, we got that.

Like a mutt. Italian, Spanish, gay. Yeah, I just consider myself like an ethnic mutt because I have a lot of different things. Yeah, okay. Your mom and dad were just not two. They were just like nine different things. Yeah, like my mom's from Hawaii, but she's not Hawaiian, you know. Okay. So you got a little Keanu Reeves going

with you? Yeah. What was your dad? He's not around anymore? My dad's like Mexican and Spanish, I think. Mexican and Spanish. And Spanish. You gotta know who this guy is. God damn it. Yeah. Double Decker, remember when Taco Bell had those? The hard shell and the soft shell.

They still have them, Tony. They do? Now they have them with Doritos. My one and bit advice. You would know that. That's why you hang with girls that have interior hemorrhoids. They don't know about picked up this chick a taco bell. Two double pickers. Went south a herb order. Do you see how hard it is for us

to get to know you? Yeah. Okay, stop. Unless you don't, like Daniel Toss doesn't want you to know anything about him. And he just writes jokes. So just write jokes or open up. You got so much loaded in what we already are wondering about you that we want to know who is. When you come out of the closet, confetti and balloons are going to come down from the sky. That would be your asshole.

It's going to be incredible. All right, I guess I'm just kidding. John, do you have any reason why you would think that being gay is bad or do you think you would admit it if you were gay? Yeah. Yeah.

There's no reason it's bad. You love pussy, huh? So much. Yum love pussy, huh? So much. Dude, Tony. Tony. The lie detector test just went. I love it all the time. The lie detector just exploded.

Do you love pussy? Almost as much as Hanukkah. Alright, there he goes. John Gamora, everybody. You met him here. He's John Gamora. He's not on Twitter, but he's on Tinder. No, he's not on Twitter.

He's not on Twitter. That was incredible. We have a regular that doesn't new 60 Seconds every single week. This week's no different. Put your hands together for Vanessa Johnston. Hi, guys. No, what? Oh, God?

Okay. It's so weird that we give Bibles to children. It's all about murder, rape, and alcoholism. And then we create songs about it. Jesus died, Jesus died. The the kid's going what i'm for it's such a weird way to teach children about murder with jesus thorns in his face all his friends knew he was gonna die we're getting a pumps for it the kid's going what kind of fucked up world have i been born into that's when teachers always, that's why you have to believe in God. God will protect

you. He's like, what? He couldn't even protect him. What the fuck do you want? It's so weird. I've got it. You guys are just not important in this. Oh, man. I forgot my last joke. Okay. Fuck yeah, Vanessa Johnston.

52 seconds. Talking about Jesus. That fuck up Jesus Christ. That fucking loser. Got stuck up on the cross after talking all that shit. What if we don't know? I mean, that's basically what you're saying, right? What?

That Jesus was like sort of a fucking loser? No, it's just weird that we give four-year-olds Bibles when it's so fucked up. I just feel like it's so ingrained in us we don't think about it. My last joke was probably the best joke, but I can't remember. I don't know why. I went to a Catholic school for 12 years, and I agree. I think putting religion on a kid is absolutely weird. Bert, what's your approach on it?

My approach... You're a heavy drinker. Normally, those are Christians, Catholics. My approach... Talking about God's tough... I just mentioned Jesus being like John. Yeah, guys, thou shalt not kill. Nothing is...

What are you guys doing? Anal's great. I'm a sex therapist. Come on. Let me build you a cross. Oh my god. Are those holes in your hand? Can I fuck it? You're going to give me the best fucking hand job ever, right? Lube that shit.

I'm going to fuck that holy hand. It's not even paying attention. Look at this guy over here. What the fuck's he texting? Dear dad, there's something I need to tell you once and for all. Still has no idea that I'm talking about him. Look how great this is.

Still doesn't. Still doesn't. I wish somebody would gobble my dick right now. Damn it. Vanessa. So fuck it. Vanessa. So fuck yeah. So Jesus. What were we talking about?

We were talking about Jesus is a big subject to try to approach in 60 seconds. And one of the things that's also sort of tough is that it's literally, literally the oldest subject matter that you could possibly talk about like unless you're talking about how like stuff grows and one of the easiest to turn the whole audience around i know and i i knew that it's weird because it's weak it's worked every time i've done it in a set it's worked really well and it's but it's always been prefaced with other jokes and comics have even come out to me like oh my god i love i love those jokes but i was worried that in the minute structure it would work and i think that without it's just too it's not doesn't work in a minute what's your history with religion

comics that want to have sex with you come up after and they're like oh my god no there's female comics they're straight i love this little rivalry that I've noticed over like 40 episodes with you and Pat. He always says something and you're just like, shut the fuck up. You guys have this hilarious brother-sister thing going on. Shut the fuck up, Pat.

You know how long it took me to get a compliment about my comedy? Like fucking seven years and Jim Norton was like, you know that stupid fucking Bert joke? And I was like, yeah. And he goes, that's alright. That was it. That bitch about coming with a cookie though. That's the shit.

That's not a joke. That's the one. Jesus is a tough subject. And you know, everyone's covered it so you you've got to really find a different approach. And I like that you kind of came at it from a different way about what a kid's perspective is. But, yeah, like I grew up Catholic. And so, I don't know, I never really questioned the fact that God let his son die. Right, that was my next joke, that he sacrificed his only son.

Oh, now it is. Oh, yeah, that was my next joke. This compass. No, son. Oh, now it is. Oh, yeah, that was my next joke. This compass. No, because, okay, because it's weird. That was a joke. So that God sacrificed his only son, and then you're like, wait, you said I was his kid, too. And then they're like, yeah, the writers fucked that part up. That was the last joke, but I forgot it.

But anyway, yeah, it's really weird. I had a joke about Jesus. I had a joke about Jesus a long time ago. The premise was, like, when Jesus was alive, there was only like 1,200 people on the earth. So it was like being the best wrestler in Iowa. It wasn't that hard to be famous back then. It was like, yeah, be famous now. Now be Jesus.

We're the only black guy in Illinois. Yeah, exactly. What? Literally. Got him. There he goes. Jesus is a tough subject matter. He died during a Jesus show. What was I going to say? What's interesting is that it's just a fucking book.

It's almost like the modern day version of that is like Game of Thrones or something like that. It almost seems that that's a better modern day Bible. It's like, yeah, there's this guy that came back. There's this great book about this guy that died and came back. His name's John Snow. You know where you're losing me, and I think I

figured it out, is that you're talking about giving the four-year-old the Bible. No one really actually gives a four-year-old a Bible. They make for their christening or whatever, but no four-year-old the bible no one really actually gives a four-year-old a bible they make for their christening or whatever but they don't no four-year-olds flipping through the bible like oh that's fucking catchy you know oh shit that way i walk through the valley of darkness oh hell yeah i'm gonna say that shit going into preschool but but but you do take children to church where a man is nailed on a cross at the front and then you do pitch the rhetoric of no, no, no, God loved his only

son so much, he did that to him. I love you, buddy. Like, that is a fucked up, you're onto it right. Imagine what he would have done to the other son that he didn't like. His other son, John Gamora. You know what I mean? But it is a good...

It's only faulty in the logic of giving a four-year-old a book. And I think that's where you lose people but you're on to the right avenue, I believe, with the concept of what the story is. And you know you're going to hell now that you've told that.

It's just a bad read for a four-year-old. I think that's the moral of the story. It's a bad story for a four-year-old. Yeah. Hop on pop, Shel Silverstein. No, here's fucking Jesus Christ die. But it all goes back to the fact that you are doing one of the craziest things in comedy history by writing and performing a new 60 seconds every single week in front of everybody's eyes.

There she goes again. Thank you. Vanessa Johnston, everybody. What do you guys say we go to the bucket one more time, huh? Go to the bucket, get a random stranger up here. One more time. Is it me or does Jeremiah... Is Jeremiah strangely dressed like an out-of-work magician?

Your hair looks like it's connected to that baseball cap. Got it, dude. Fuck yeah. You guys ready for one more comedian or what? Anything can happen. Bert's blood pressure is out of control. Are you guys ready for one more comedian? Let's do it. Alright.

How about Casey Stoddard? I had to break up with my last girlfriend because I found out that she was poking holes in my condoms. And I was like, are you insane? Do you want your sister to get pregnant? My little sister just came out of the closet. She's a lesbian, and I'm proud of her, but I feel like I should have known. Like, I remember whenever we would try to play rock, paper, scissors, she was always, too busy eating pussy.

My girlfriend clogged the toilet. It's all my fault, though. Should have cut her into smaller pieces. If you had hooks for hands, you wouldn't be able to do air quotes. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Casey Stoddard coming in. Nice.

He did it. Thank you. I'll keep it up, I guess. Came in at the end of the show. You sort of look like a combination of everybody that we've seen. Yeah did it. Thank you. I'll get it. I guess. Came in at the end of the show. You sort of look like a combination of everybody that we've seen. Yeah. Yeah. And you came in and you did what they all refused to do.

Oh. You wrote setups and punchlines and you executed them right down the barrel. Oh, thank you. KC. Yes. Good job. What's your story, man? Where are you from? How long have you been doing stand-up?

I'm from Michigan. Just moved out here about a month ago. How long have you been doing stand-up? Started when I was 19, but I didn't really start doing it regularly until I was 22. About four years. Four years? Yes.

What are you doing for work? I haven't found a job yet. Still looking. Wow. That must be nice. Not I haven't found a job yet. Still looking. Wow. Must be nice. Not really. I'm a little nervous. Where in Michigan?

Traverse City? I grew up near Lansing, but I went to college in Grand Rapids, and that's where I started. I live in Traverse City. Oh, okay. Yeah, they have a comedy club in Grand Rapids. Yeah. You went to the Traverse City Comedy Festival? Must have.

Me too. Yeah. It was so much fun. Yeah. That's where I made friends with Sinbad. I wonder if I went to the Grand Rapids. Did they have a Grand Rapids one too? Yeah, Laugh Fest. Oh, never mind.

Grand Rapids, sorry, that's the only place I know. I did Traverse City Comedy Fest with Sinbad. I had dinner with Michael Moore while he convinced us that OJ's son was the one that did it. It was pretty fucking epic. I remember we're all sitting there in the beginning.

Dinner started. He's like, yeah, I think OJ's son did it. Cut to eight skeptical comedians sitting at a dinner table. Like, yeah, right, Michael Moore, whatever. Two hours later, we're just all leaning in like this. And that's how the knife got there. It was the kid all along. We're like, you motherfucker.

It's like what you would want hanging out with Michael Moore to be like in your imagination. What people don't know is that there was this piece of evidence here. Anyway, it was great. You reminded us of those great times, Casey. Of OJ killing his son. That's what you reminded us of.

His son killing his mom and her boyfriend or guy, whatever it was. How much time do you have? I've done like 35.

Really? 30. And all just set a punch like that? No, I'm starting to do longer stuff but I just like, my longer stuff's

probably like, I think the shortest one I have is like a minute and a half maybe. Does it depart from the character of who cuts up

his girlfriend and fucks her sister? Yeah, it's, well yeah, it's up his girlfriend and fucks her sister? Yeah. Well, yeah, it's like stuff that happened to me. Yeah? Oh, yeah. It's just like personal stories. How do you like living in LA compared to Michigan? I just said the same thing over.

I like it. Yeah, it's good. I was in Chicago before I came here and it was too cold. What are you trying to do for work out here? Just, I don't know, in the office or something. Office stuff. Office or something. Yeah.

I think Jeremiah almost puked again after that. He does look like he's about to puke. He looks sick, dude. I'm trying to make it through this last comedian. Okay. Jeremiah, if you want to sit in the back for a little bit, you can go ahead. You look really bad. You look really bad.

I don't know why. Jeremiah treats this rinky-dinky podcast like it's fucking Iraq War or something like that. I can't leave my friends behind. You guys just keep going. I'm going to be right here. I got you covered.

I think I got one more chocolate in me. It hurts me every time you make me laugh. It's also the best medicine. Get well soon, my friend. KC, you absolutely killed it tonight. That was really, really, really great stuff. I'm excited to see more of you

in the future. Sadly, I don't have any fucking notes. I just keep writing. You're really funny. Thank you. We'll get your Twitter handle out there and a bunch of people will tell you how funny you are. Oh, you're not on Twitter. No, I wrote it on there. No, you just wrote KC. You know, you're not on Twitter. No, I wrote it on there. No, you just wrote Casey.

You can say it now. You know, you're a little hard to talk to. Yeah, I know. Like, what are you talking about? Some personal stuff? What's that? Other stories about my life that no one knows about? Yeah.

I have a Twitter. Yeah, I wrote it on there. It should be on there. If it isn't, then maybe I'll get it to you later. I thought I wrote it on there. Hey, you can fucking say it right now. Oh, it's just, well, I wrote, okay. Oh, Jesus Christ!

It's Casey Stoddard, but it's C-A-S-E-Y underscore S-E-O-D-D-A-R-D because I wrote my name as Casey because I kept getting called Caesar. Man, the most boring thing about you is your Twitter handle. That's pretty crazy, Casey. Jesus Christ. That's not the thing, but Casey, that is awesome. Good luck finding a job in an office or something Nice to meet you, there you go

Welcome to Los Angeles, Casey Stoddard Casey underscore Stoddard Guys, guess who drew tonight's episode, it's Ryan J. Ebelt Look at that Wow, that's crazy I'm some kind of monster We all are

That's great, that looks like you, monster. We all are. Oh, that's great. That looks like you, Moses. That's really fantastic. Moses, the picture looks just like you. We did it again, everybody. Live audience, thank you so much for coming to this episode of Kill Tony. You did it. Jeremiah Watkins is on Twitter.

So is Pat Reagan. What do you guys want to promote? At Jeremiah's stand up on all social media. And then if there's any Death Squad fans in Billings, Montana I'll be headlining there next week. It's my first official headlining set, baby.

All the greats start in Billingsley, Montana. Hey, watch the Eric Andre show season four. It's fucking hilarious. I wrote on it. Pat Reagan's a writer of the Eric Andre show season four. It's fucking hilarious. I wrote on it. Pat Reagan's a writer of the Eric Andre show. Very funny. A lot of people saying it should be nominated for an Emmy for writing this year.

Yeah. A lot of people say the best writing. Emmy award quality. I know that as a member of the Writers Guild, I'm putting in my vote for you guys. Joel Jimenez is mostly sorry on Twitter. We love him on the drums, the ones and twos. And guys, what's happening? Promote it.

Roast Battle, ComedyCentral.com. Brian Oates is the host. That's out. iTunes, what else, Moses? Yeah, we're on iTunes right now. I think we're going to... Absolutely. I can see you right now. I think we're going to see you very soon. Don't scream. There's a wall coming. There are so many roads there. Absolutely.

Back to the peasantry of Wild N' Out after hosting a show. But, no, that's definitely going to be on the air soon. Roast Battle. You'll watch every episode of it. Leave comments. Great review. Bert Kreischer, the machine, ladies and gentlemen. He made it through without passing out.

You got that right. Pretty epic. Phoenix, I'm at Stand Up Live this week. And in Phoenix, when's this come out? Yeah. Right now? I'm in Phoenix at Stand Up Live. You can catch me on Oddball Dates.

And that's it. Check out my podcast, BertKast.com. I got Bobby Kelly this week. I'm going to be with him at Oddball as well. That's Bert Kreischer and Brian Moses. Oddball, Boston's Wilbur Theatre, Sacramento, San Francisco, coming to you very soon in a couple weeks. And Tulsa in three weeks.

Right? We have Australia in October. If you're listening to this and you live in Australia, you have to come see me live because I'll probably never be there again. Brian Redbanks. Guys, later. Josh Markovic opened for Joe Rogan for the first time last weekend. Probably never be there again. Brian Redman. Guys, later. At Josh Martin Comics. We opened for Joe Rogan for the first time last weekend.

That's a really good deal. Follow him on Twitter at Josh Martin Comics. Live audience, thank you so much. Have a great night. Goodbye. Come on. Suck it too hard on your lollipop. Your love's gonna get you down.

Girl, I said suck it too hard on your lollipop. Your love's gonna get you down. Suck it too hard on your lollipop, oh, love's gonna get you down. Suck it too hard on your lollipop, oh, love's gonna get you down. Suck it too hard on your lollipop, oh, love's gonna get you down. Say it out, say it out, oh, love's gonna get you down. Say it out, say it out, oh, love's gonna get you down. I went walking with my mama one day when she warned me what people say. Live your life until love is found, cause love's gonna get you down. Take a look at the girl next door, she's a player and a downright bore.

Jesus loves her, she wants more, oh bad girls get you down. Sing it. Seconds you high, la-dee-la-dee, bop-bop. That's gonna get you down. Seconds you high, la-dee-la-dee, bop-bop. That's gonna get you down. Say it up, say it up. All of it's gonna get you down.

Say it up, say it up. All of it's gonna get you down. That's all I want. I want you to know. It of us gonna get you down. I want to know. I want to know. I want to know. you