KILL TONY - KILL TONY #17

Episode Date: October 17, 2013

Jamar Neighbors, Mat Edgar, Iron Patriot, Tony Hinchcliffe, Sara Mostajabi, Kimberly Congdon, Brian Redban – Date: 09/23/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Check out me and Tony Hinchcliffe in San Diego October 31st at the American Comedy Company. We are going with Sam Tripoli and we have a whole bunch of secret guests already lined up. So get your tickets at AmericanComedyCo or just go to DeathSquad.TV. Scroll down just a teeny bit on the front page and we have all our live shows. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Welcome to the Comedy Store. This is a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Fuck yeah, everybody. How you guys doing tonight? Another fun night. Here we are. Another beautiful Monday. Emmys were last night. Jesus Christ is here right now. Everybody put your hands together for the Lord and Savior.

The one and the only. How's it going, Jesus? You feeling good about things? Beautiful. Happy to be here. You know, I love you. Why is it taking 17 episodes for you to make your first appearance here? I don't like sitting in back.

And tonight you promised me a seat in the front row. There you go. Thank you. How do you guys feel? Welcome new audience members. How do you guys feel to be next to Jesus Christ, the Lord and Savior? I feel really great. There you go. It's all happening. It's mutual.

Welcome, Jesus. As always, we're here with the one and only, the loveliest of lovely co-hosts, head of security, the one and only Iron Patriot, everybody, is here. And he's in the flesh. That's enough. You only get one day. Tomorrow belongs to me. That's right.

He got a new friend. Hey, Tony. Yeah, I couldn't help but to notice that you have a blow-up doll in your hand, Patriot. What's going on? Have you met my new girlfriend, Tony? No. I couldn't help but to notice that you have a blow-up doll in your hand, Patriot. What's going on? Have you met my new girlfriend, Tony? No. She's very nice to me. She doesn't talk a lot.

She lets me do what I want. I got her at the Glendale Galleria Mall. Have you been there in a while? They really did some good remodeling there, Tony. Are you talking about the Glendale Mall, or are you talking about the Americana across the street? Because, actually, the Glendale Mall is one of the most saddest things I've ever been into my whole entire life,

and I go there a lot still, especially if you look at the Apple Store, because there's an Apple Store in the Glendale Mall, and there's one right across the street that's a billion times better. So no one goes to that Apple Store, and it's really sad. Yeah, I saw that. It's huge. But they've built like a third floor there and stuff that I had to go up to,

but they've done a lot more work on it. It's the Galleria, right? Yeah, yeah, it's big. Yeah they've built like a third floor there and stuff that I had to go up to. But they've done a lot more work on it. It's the Galleria, right? Yeah, yeah. It's big. Yeah, it's really big. That's where I rescued your dog from is the Glendale Galleria. Really? Second floor.

Oh, the little twiglet. Yeah, they were going out of business. And so they had them all in one case because they were selling the cases of all the dogs. So there was like 17 dogs in this one case that was supposed to hold like a golden retriever. And it was just, I wish I took a photo of it. It looked like an aquarium of sad dogs. That poor little thing. I have the cutest dog and she came out of a

big cardboard box. What? There's something else I want to tell you that happened to me this week, Tony. Yes. Remember I told you I was going to be an extra on the Jersey Boys? Sure, I think I remember that. You were wrong about something because you said that they weren't going to let me get close to Clint Eastwood. But I did get close.

I got a few feet from Clint Eastwood, and not only him but Christopher Walken was standing right there. And I overheard a conversation. It was funny because they were talking about that famous Moore Cowbell skit that Christopher did on Saturday Night Live in 2000. Do you remember that? Yes. And it was just funny that they would be talking about that, and I was just like I was at a backyard barbecue

just standing right there with them. Yeah, how long did it take for security to get you away from them? Well, I didn't try to say anything. I just kind of soaked up what they were talking about, and we were at a cemetery scene, but, you know, I've always... All right, all right.

Why are you holding a blow-up doll again? I just figured it out. He's the ventriloquist. I've named my new girlfriend Maria and I'm about to perform a song called Maria that I sent to Red Band. That's why I have my girlfriend here to dance with me. He sure did.

I love how you guys always surprise me with this. This is great. Do you want to do this? Here's Iron Patriot with Maria. This is great. Alright, do you want to do this? Yeah, let's do it. Alright, here's Iron Patriot with Maria. Turn it up, brother. All the fellas on the block They know it's time to tick-tock With a crazy little girl Her name is Maria All the fellas in the hood

They're just wishing that they could That kind of love is understood They're killing it in the D.R. They kill it, kill it, dear Maria, don't walk away Maria, yeah They keep sniffing like hounds She don't mess around She make your blue eyes brown

She's sweeter's tequila I'm in an infirmatic house, but I don't know how I got the picture and the sound, I'll make it for Maria Ooh-ah, ooh-ah, Maria, don't walk away Maria, put my mind at ease, won't you please Come, come with me Maria, put my mind, put my mind, put my mind at ease Oh my god. I did enough destruction. Oh my God.

Do you like my new girlfriend? She's pretty hot, huh? Wow. For some reason, I feel like you've actually used that before, that doll. I checked it already. No, I brought it wrapped up. Sarah, blow it up for me. Oh.

Ugh. Why didn't we do that on the show? What? Nothing. Um, so, let me ask you something, Patriot. Like, did you write that song? Yeah, I wanted

to show that I like the female hombres too. Like Eva Mendes, Selma Hayek, and Eva Longoria. I love her feet. She has the cutest feet. The toes are all straight, nice, arched, tan, and little and cute. So you're saying that your blow-up doll is a Latina? Yes.

Yes, the Maria. That's what I call her, Maria. Well, Maria is also an Italian name. Yeah. I like the song a lot. I thought it was amazing when you held up and started eating out the blow-up doll and exposing the butthole to the audience. I thought it was amazing when you held up and started eating out the blow-up doll and exposing the butthole to the audience. Especially since it was a big, gaping

butthole. And let me tell you, I stuck my finger into it with trust that you said you never used it. And I smelled it and licked it, and you were right. Wow. You have a lot of guts when it comes to licking things. I you with joey d's ass talking with joey jay you guys are lethal together

well i trust you that's what i'm trying to say i know underneath that armor is the hardest steel yeah yeah yeah that was fun to do that um it's just it's great bringing back all these dirty crawler songs it really has been a special thing Crabbers, his old band when he lived in Texas, they played music in the grunge era. And he said to us, yeah, my band played in the grunge era. And I go, that doesn't sound like grunge at all. And he goes, yeah, we weren't successful whatsoever. That laugh

is so creepy. It's my new favorite thing. I love that the first couple episodes we had the Patriot as head of security or as I call him the head of insecurity on, we didn't have a microphone for him. We didn't realize how much brilliance was going on

under that 60 pounds of armor. But now we got them all wired you know another story i have a red band on thursday night wasn't there an episode of muff said yes yeah i watched that you guys were watching that trailer of um don juan that's coming out with joseph gordon levin that looks fucking fucking badass. I was in that concession stand scene where they went to the movie. Do you see that little thing? Oh, you're in that? Yeah, I was in that.

I mean, I was an extra, but it was funny because I was in that concession stand. We know you were an extra, dude. There's no, oh, were you the lead role? Yeah, I know. We know that. No, but extras are almost more fun because they're like Easter eggs if you know them.

So you'll be sitting there and be like, oh shit, there's me in the background of a fucking sister act too. You should make a compilation. Thank you. The guy with autism helping me out with my words. Wow. In a rare... That's like

seeing a shooting star inside of a comedy showroom. Is the autistic guy correcting the obsessed fucking wordsmith. Anyway. But I was playing a video game and waiting for the scene to start and then Scarlett Johansson just walked in

and just was standing right next to me. Alright, alright. Let me ask you something. When you're working at Hollywood and Highland lately, now that you have this new film... First of all, I gotta acknowledge, I love the fact that your penis flap is broken today. And his butt flap. Yeah.

Sometimes you got to let the banana air out a little bit. So those two things are obviously, now that I see it, they must be connected to each other. Yes, they're underneath. There's like a Velcro strap. And that attaches your butt? Yeah, yeah. That Velcro strap is basically your gooch.

Yeah, yeah. It's in my crotch. And when I was walking here, it must have come undone. I felt it go loose. Did you have a pretty exciting weekend? Are you swollen right now? No, no. I don't know why.

There's just always something that goes wrong with my costume. It's very challenging to wear. It's just always some kind of thing will go wrong. It's a miracle I've made it down here for like 16 weeks straight. It's incredible. I mean, without anything going wrong. Absolutely. And, you know, I'm really looking forward to going on my first trip

to the podcast festival on the road to take my costume in the car. Between your penis flap and your nervous left arm twitch, I'm just, I can't keep my eyes off your costume. For those of you that don't know, a couple weeks ago we also caught on to the fact that his left arm twitches every time he gets really excited about

anything. Does it ever happen when you're writing? Like, does a letter from you have a lot of high stock market things? When I'm out of the costume, it doesn't happen. I mean, I used to do it a little when I was out of the costume, but now I got rid of it, but it came back when I started putting this costume on.

I guess I don't know what the deal is, you know? That's when I start talking. I mean, I can keep it still, but I don't know. I just take my mind off it. Patriot, that's a great long explanation. It doesn't make any sense, I know. I'm glad that you're here every episode, Patriot. Put your hands together for the Patriot, everybody.

Comic Patriot on Twitter I'm very excited about tonight's show, you guys know the format, comedians each do well, you know, I'll talk about that after I bring up the guests, your guests tonight two of my very funniest best friends it's like a flashback to what I call the class

of 2007, I started in 07 and these two guys did as well. We've been road dogs together since the beginning. We've done gigs all over this shithole of a town and everywhere else. So I'm just going to bring them up. My first guest is the opener for rock and roll bands like Guster and Fun. He's the official tour opener for Curb Your Enthusiasm's Jeff Garlin. But most importantly, he's one of my best friends.

Put your hands together for Matt Edgar, everybody. Here he is. We started during the same week. And our other guest, a guy who in the L.A. comedy world is blatantly recognized as one of the funniest guys. We all say that he's going to be bigger than anyone we know and all of our friends. I absolutely think he's the future.

Put your hands together for one of my funniest pals. Jamar Neighbors, everybody, is here. I am so excited for this episode because I've been trying to do this thing lately where I match friends' chemistries up and picture what two guys together can be most functional for a crazy formatted show like this. So I'm so excited to have you guys. Anything crazy happen lately to you? How's the

day going? How's this Monday? Man. Look at Josh Martin trying to fix his speaker over there. He has no idea what he's doing. I thought you said Josh Martin. He's moving a piece of wood around. Is that what that is? Good job. Good fix. He did it, though. There he goes.

Josh Martin, producer of Kill Tony. The silent, silent assassin, which is good because he has a speech impediment. You might recognize him from a couple episodes ago when he did his infamous cereal joke, which I heard getting compliments last night on the front patio from audience members. I remember when it was just a puppy of a joke,

and that's the type of fun we're having, watching little gold come all together. Once again, about 20 of the comedians that were signing up for the open mic downstairs, once again, they've signed up for the show tonight, and it's always fun to see what happens. You guys ready to get this thing started? Yes, sir.

Let's do it. Everybody gets 60 seconds. You know that your time is up at the end of that 60 seconds because you will hear the meow of a kitty. And you better get off soon because if you go over your time, that angry West Hollywood bear comes out. It used to be a few seconds. If you ran the light for a bit, the bear would come out, but I don't know. Red Band's getting pretty excited with it lately, and he

loves just... See? That bear gets angry quick. So what do you guys say we get this thing started, huh? You ready for another crazy fucking... What are you drinking, red wine over there? You're so classy.

In the plastic cup. Alright, everyone. Put your hands together for your first comedian tonight. And we sit down the mics and win their performance. Anyway. Put your hands together for Ziggy Clutt, everybody. Ziggy. Ziggy!

Whoa! If you don't show up up that means you never get to do the show again and you get blacklisted that's what the patriot does every time somebody gets blacklisted every time you say the word black well we have figured out that since he's from Texas and he's very goofy, he has a bit of natural accidental racism that is an ongoing thing with him. Sometimes you'll just notice him say things that are like,

what's that song about the girl named Laquisha? LaTedra. Jacob and LaTedra. Two monkeys. What the fuck? In the jungle. You see what I'm talking about? Accidental racism. He doesn't even know when it's happening.

Hey, Tony. I wasn't able to prepare for these guys because you didn't put a tweet on. Did you do that on purpose so I couldn't prepare? What do you know about these two guys? I don't know anything because usually he puts a tweet where I see the guests are going to be on, but it was strange today.

I kept checking. I kept checking. Well, off of the intros that I gave them, do you have any questions for them or anything? No. I mean, where are you guys from? Why is the Iron Pitcher doing crowd work on us? How do you know Tony?

How do you know him? We've all been doing comedy together for years. Good, good. I'm glad. I want to find out about you guys. It's good to have you on the show. Thanks for coming. Thanks for having me, Iron Patriot. I'm afraid to tell him I'm from Compton. Oh, really?

He'll start smoking. I love that film, Friday. Malfunction. Friday with Ice Cube. I love that. I love that film. Malfunction. I love that. I love that film. I love the bit of feedback that happens from all the tubes and shit that are inside of his suit. Yeah. He has to take the bus here because he can't sit down in that outfit.

So when he puts that thing on, he's standing for basically four or five hours at a time. Do you ever get recognized at Hollywood and Highland when you're hanging out there with the other superheroes? I've had some people coming up to me lately saying, are you the guy from Kill Tony? It's been great. That's awesome. It's really... I know Hollywood Jesus.

I've known him for four years or something. I met you. He would go down there and I'd see him all the time. And he inspired me to get out of that area because I saw him in a video with Snoop Dogg right in front of this club. And I thought, that's cool. He went outside the Hollywood Highland tourist area and came down here. I said, that inspires me.

All right. There you go. A whole story, a whole background of a patriot and Hollywood Jesus. Let's get back to these comedians, shall we? Let's see if anybody showed up for this gig. Put your hands together for Trenton Willie, everyone. He's here.

Way too early. Whoa. Alright, so I was coming from Chicago to Colorado one time with a group of friends and I stopped at this restaurant in Iowa it was a Christian themed restaurant called the

Garden of Eton and the motto was you can have it Yahweh he knows what I'm talking about right I sat so all the exit signs said Exodus and I sat in the New Testament and I was eating a little bit of crust pizza.

Then my friend just started bleeding out of the mouth. There was blood and blood and blood and blood. We're all waist deep in blood because he was choking on the nails inside of his croissant. And then I said to the waitress, I want to

speak to your manger. She said, I can't. I would if I was able, but I don't want to lose my job. Then it turned out the restaurant didn't even exist. Wow. 60 seconds on fucking, he's got 60 seconds Then it turned out the restaurant didn't even exist. Wow. 60 seconds on fucking, he's got 60 seconds on church puns.

Different than last time. That's impressive. Hey, I'm a fan of the pun. A lot of people try to hate on it. I'm a big backer of it. It's very religious. I get the feeling it may have been covered in the past 2013 years that those characters have been out there. I bet somebody's rhymed Job or whatever.

But it is interesting. It's fun that you stay in the pocket on something like that. How'd your hair get that color? Yeah, I was going to ask, how'd your shorts get that color? Well, I was hanging on the bobsled and I saw the hippie moon with a silent E in Venice. Then it just happened. And then they haven't been washed since. Yeah.

This is my, what do they call that stuff? Moss or bacteria. It's coming out of my crotch. Brown sperm? Do you shower a lot? Mold, mold. You into showers? I haven't done one of those since I was a wee little.

Don't do it. Really? Why not? Making the bear angry. Why don't you shower? Well, my dad used to shoot a lot of moose growing up. That's a good reason. Shoot a lot of moose?

Yeah, I grew up in Maine. Oh, wow. You ever been there? So is that a Maine thing? White people are a Maine thing. This guy is not. You sound like the Iron Patriot all of a sudden. Let's talk about those shorts some more.

Yeah. How long have you had those? I think ever since they came out of God's third eye queef. Oh, you're a wild one. Someone's riffing. I get the feeling

that you've done mushrooms so much that like it's just become part of your I got the feeling he's on mushrooms. You're just on the eternal trip.

I got the feeling his head is mushrooms. Drugs are illegal. Bad. Cops say no. I love cops. All cops. But tell me...

But they start off... I love what he's doing right now. That's just what he always... That's what you gotta repeat to yourself when you're on mushrooms. But they start off as swimming trunks though, right? Yeah. They were.

They were swimming trunks. When's the last time you went swimming in them? I swim. This is not me being a dumb cunt. I swim like almost every day I swim. Wow. I love swimming. I love the water. That's your shower. I can tell by the swim shoes.

Look at that. I used to have those. Speaking of this guy, those barefoot shoes. Oh, my God. They're haunting me. They're superior to other shoes. Superior. He went there.

Yep. Those define toes. I just can't get into that. I can't. You know what it is? It's like a Birkenstock. That's what it reminds me of. I don't think toes need sleeves.

No. Do you ever pick up stuff with them? Like the mitten of the glove, that was a huge adjustment. We needed fingers. But going shoe to covering the independent toes, it's just... Why would you want to separate all your little piggies into the cells either? Yeah, why are you putting your piggies in stalls, bro? We like our piggies free range.

You got farmer feet, bro. All right, well... Wait, wait, wait. How'd Jesus feel about all these church puns? Yeah, exactly. I mean, it seems like the material was custom made for you. Yeah. You grew up in Manger?

Is that right? It was a main thing. From Manger. Thank you. You grew up in Manger. Is that right? It was a main thing. From Manger. Thank you. I loved it. I've never heard so many in a row. I like that there's a story and it was just puns that got through it.

Yeah. Yeah. Wow, the power of Jesus Christ. He's got a kazoo on him at all times. I love the effort that it takes him to get that out of his pocket through his robe. It's always like he hears something he doesn't like, and there's about ten seconds of him under the robe grabbing the horn. All for the doot-doot-doot.

Nobody knows what's going to pop out. It doubles as a pipe. Does it really? Your kazoo doubles as a pipe? Uh-oh. Drugs are illegal. Someone call the authorities. Do comics get big off puns anymore? Do they what?

Do puns still work? Oh, yeah, totally. Absolutely. But is there a comic like, that's just his shit? No, you can't just do that. You can't be what they would call pun-dimensional.

My God, that was brilliant. There you go. That's how you use them. You can have that, right, Tony? I'm just going to sit like this for the rest of the episode. Good job. Fatality. Yeah.

And that's, you know, it just goes to show. Anyway, Trenton. How'd the hair get that color? Did we ever get there? No, we went to shorts. Is that Kool-Aid? Is that the old Kool-Aid thing? Nope.

It's hair dye. Really? How long has it been bluer? Off and on for a long time. But different colors too. Did it start off yellow and then just molded? He's like... He said off and on

like it changes like that by itself. Were you the guy that used to always be the center square in Hollywood squares? Before I got AIDS, yeah. What was his name? Bruce Valanche Yes

Did he get AIDS? Well, I mean, he's I'm skinnier than that guy Bruce Valanche has AIDS No, he's still alive I was like, white people can get AIDS Straight people can't get AIDS Alright, there you go

Remember last week When Brody sent Josh to get some coffee And right when Josh came back He was on stage Yep We kind of had that special moment. Then he cut his fucking hair. He was so, and he was so gross to Josh that for the first time in like two or three years, Josh went and got his hair cut because.

Yeah, I noticed something. Why don't we bring Josh up here so we can compare hair right now. Josh, get back up here. For the second time. Seven days ago, they were on the same stage at the same time with the same hair. And now, Josh, take off your stupid hot dog hat for a moment. Oh, there we go. There it is.

Oh, I like it when it's pushed down like that. It actually looks nice like that. Talk into the Patriots' dick. I just want to talk into the dick flap, guys. I saw him. He tried to talk to me on the front patio.

And then I'm like, I just couldn't help but look, wow, I look homeless too. So I cut my hair. There you go. Trenton Willey is changing people's lives. An inspiration. All right. Welcome.

There he goes. Trenton Willie, everybody. There he goes. That was fun. Sometimes you don't talk about the material at all. It's very unorthodox. Anything can happen. You know what I mean?

That was fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was, wasn't it? Unorthodox? Definitely. You still in Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was, wasn't it? It was orthodox. Definitely. You still in it? Oh, yeah. Patriot, how do you feel about what's going on so far?

I feel good. Justice will triumph over evil. How long have you had that blow-up doll for? I bought it a couple days ago. I drove over there and got it. Where'd you drive to? To Glendale. Oh, you really went to the mall to get that?

Yeah, it was at Spencer's. It was up on the third floor. It took me a while to find it. How expensive was it? Wait, Spencer's is still open? Yeah, it was like $22. So that was my, you know, I invested in the show a little bit, Tony. Wow.

I can do a write-off on my taxes for that. Was it embarrassing for you to buy that? Yeah. You wear a disguise? I don't really care, because when I'm going to do business, I don't give a shit. Yeah. Damn. I'm an ambassador for Kill Tony.

When I'm going to get shit done, nobody's going to stop me. Right. Man, that left arm is twitching like crazy. It was. I work in mysterious ways, Tony. There it stopped me. Right. Man, that left arm is twitching like crazy. It was. I work in mysterious ways, Tony. There it goes again. You can't even stop it at this point.

Hey, wait. I bet it's not about to happen right about... Now. You son of a bitch. Dude, that should be a drinking game for alcoholics.

A drinking game for alcoholics. M drinking game for alcoholics. Mervis. Just a glurp, glurp, glurp. You got to help me stop it, Tony, before I go to the podcast. You're doing it right now. That's right. He's nervous about the L.A. Podfest coming up October 4th.

We're a part of the L.A. Podcast Festival, everybody. This is episode 17, and we're lucky enough to be part of something that cool. Only at 17 episodes. Yeah, and if you want to get tickets to lapodfest.com, we're staying at the hotel probably because last year was like a party there, and we're going to have a live Kill Tony there and a live Pointless with Kevin Pereira on Sunday.

So Kill Tony is Friday. So it's going to be fun. And we'll be booking comedians over the next couple weeks for that because that's going to be specifically a show in which obviously since we won't be going off the open mic sign up

sheet we'll just let you know in the next couple weeks if you could be one of the people. And when he says weeks he means next weekend. Not the weekend. And when he says weeks, he means next weekend. Well, not the weekend. First of October. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, next two weeks, right?

Yeah. Okay, our next comedian. L.A. Podfest, October 4th. Brad Sachs, everybody. Here he is. Here he is. I want to try and see if I can do a clean minute just in case I'm ever on Conan or something. Yeah, when I was in college, I had my fingers in this girl's vagina.

And, yeah, something felt weird. And I pulled my fingers out and there was a condom on the end of my fingers. Not my condom. And I couldn't really tell what it was because the room was pitch black. And end of my fingers. Not my condom. And I couldn't really tell what it was because the room was pitch black and I raised my fingers up. The only light came in was a beam of light from the moon. It was kind of like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Like faintly I heard, dun-dun-dun-dun, dun-dun-dun. No man would know what to do. My first thought was, you know what, I'm just going to put it back in there. Because I could tell it wasn't my condom by the taste of it. I took a little taste. It's not my fault her vagina was a vending machine that evening.

But you know what, there's a happy ending. She actually thanked me. She's like, oh my God, I was looking for that. Thank you so much. Like I found her car keys or something. That's it. Okay. Were you being serious about the clean sub thing?

What's that? Were you being serious about the clean minute? I'm guessing he was. No, that was a joke. Oh, because it wasn't clean. No, it was filthy from the beginning. It was forced filthy kind of though. I didn't believe any of it, so it kind of made me not enjoy it.

How much of it was true? I mean, I didn't taste the condom, but the whole rest of it was true. Yeah, people find condoms in pussies. Get the fuck out of here. Really? What happens? I love how casually you say that. Like it's like a daily thing. He's right. I found a tampon in there

that was in there for a couple of days and she was getting really sick. Oh, that's... What sizes of vaginas are you guys dealing with? Where a chicken forget that there's a tampon in there. American women. Oh my god. That's just creepy. What's the most tampons you've ever found in a wine?

I never found. I found two maxi pads in a tampon once. Four months supply. They're just black. They're like pollute eggs. Oh my god. Jesus Christ. We should take all this material

and use it for clean material. Yeah, we should. But if you really did find a condom, you should make it... What did you really do? So wait a second. Let me get this right. You're with a chick.

You're fingering her. Yes. All of a sudden there's a condom on your finger. That really happened. That really happened. What the fuck do you do then? Do you keep fingering her and pretend like what's going on? Well, it was dark in the room and I was like, what is that? I was like, oh my God. And I threw it and

she thanked me. She's like, I was looking for that. She was like, oh my like, I was looking for that. She was like, oh my god, I was looking for that. She really was looking for it? She spent time looking for it? And it wasn't yours? It was not mine, no. But I've heard comedians say, you know, I was having sex and there was a condom. How many condoms have you

found in girls' vaginas, Jamar? Honestly. In one setting. The writer stopped once or twice. Jamar? Honestly. In one setting. I don't know how it changed. The writer stopped. Like once or twice. Yeah. No.

Yeah. Hey. I feel like I have, but I don't remember. But I think it was mine, though. Like, I don't think it was anyone else's.

How many have you found in her ass? Not bad. All right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. All right. Sorry.. How many have you found in her ass? Alright, I'm sorry. So then, you throw the condom and she says, I was looking for that? She was like, you know, she started crying

because she was obviously embarrassed because I now knew that she had slept with someone probably that day or maybe two hours ago. Did you like this girl? Where did you meet her? It was like a booty call. Where did you meet her? No, no. It was like a booty call. Where did you meet her? It was in Ohio State.

I met her in class. Wow. Sounds like a chit-nating girl. What if you go, yeah, she told me that like I found her keys. And I kept fingering her. Then I found her keys. And she was like, oh, I was looking for both of those. Hey, let me ask you this

Yeah, that's totally it How deep did you reach into the cookie jar to get it? Not deep Not deep at all Normal Wait, so it was just Yeah, it was just hanging out Just hanging out on the porch

It was right, yeah So it's dark in the room You feel it, you throw it When she's crying and the lights come up Where was that condom? Where was it? It probably hit the wall and then went down You don't remember though?

You didn't see? How was it so easy for you to find it? It had probably worked its way out At that point And then I just was the last The last guy that just plucked that gold. Her body was rejected. What's the point of wearing a condom anyway

if you're just going to leave it in there afterwards and just let it fucking marinate and bake in this oven? I love how women during that were just like, I have an oven between my legs. I understand it because I really had to pull something out of a vagina once before

because she was helpless. Was it an abortion? She can't do that. I had to pull something out of a vagina. It was a tampon. It's a fucking wire hanger. I've found two tampons. I mean, I said two condoms and shit before.

Shit happens. Right, ladies? I just put those yellow gloves on. I looked at all the ladies in the room after you said right, ladies? I just put those yellow gloves on. I looked at all the ladies in the room after you said, right, ladies, and they all almost puked. Like, no. Definitely not. Never. Let's keep going. Alright, let's do it. Your next comedian,

everybody. Give it up for Brad. Brad Sachs. He's at Brad Sachs on Twitter. Your next comedian's name is Ori Amir, everyone. Oh, yeah, Ori. Howdy, hey. I'm German,

and I was born a pervert. When I was four years old, I used to carry a little rock between my buttocks. It wasn't a fetish, it was a nurturing instinct. I was trying to keep it warm. But once you carry a rock in your butt, it's a slippery slope, okay?

Rocks were becoming bigger and bigger, and it was harder and harder to hide it from my grandmother. Now, you guys laugh at me now, but in a couple of years, when Obama is going to take away our guns we would all have to carry rocks in our butts look out, a bad man with a gun don't worry, I got this

my butt just saved your ass now I'm just kidding you liberals in the audience. Please, liberals, please don't attack me with your butt rocks. Or your vagina condoms. That's a minute. Holy shit. That was great. I remember you were here last week, right?

Or was it the week before that? A couple of weeks ago, yeah. Two weeks ago. And you're like an astrophysicist or something? A neuroscientist. And he's a neurosurgeon who dabbles in stand-up once in a while

and just slaughters, by the way. Because I remember you killing two weeks ago, right? Oh, it was someone else, probably. Yeah, it was a couple weeks ago. But it was very fun.

So you work on people's brains? No, I don't. I don't actually operate. Don't trust me to cut your brain. I just do research. We scan people's brains and we make up theories that are probably false.

Do you believe that we'll be able to scan our brains and save a version of our brain in the future to be put into a robot? Sure, yeah. In 30 years or so. 40 years, yeah. I agree. I think that if there was gonna be

if I could gamble on a bit that could be your rock and roll status, like the shit that ends up on t-shirts, I would call it butt rocks. I think that you're on to something unbelievable and the way that you say butt rocks is fucking priceless.

And I think you can get more into it and make it even bigger where a lot of people might say, I think you should trim that down. I'm going to go with, you could have a fucking three minute butt rocks thing as your closer. You're saying more butt rocks.

I'm saying more butt rocks. I'm saying acknowledge the fact that people might not want to put rocks in their butt and talk about that. You know what I mean? Remember My Pet Rock? Remember that shit? Sort of. It used to be this rock in the late 70s, I believe, that they used to sell. It was called My Pet Rock.

And it was like Cabbage Patch Kids. I mean, it was like Grand Theft Auto. It was like selling like crazy. They just sold rocks. And you could sell your own rock. Maybe get some it was like Grand Theft Auto. It was like selling like crazy. They just sold rocks. And you could sell your own rock, maybe get some fart spray and spray on each one. The technology is a real doozy, when you realize people were playing with rocks

a couple decades ago. I know. They were selling rocks and becoming millionaires. How many rocks can you carry in your ass? Great question. You know what? I haven't tried to challenge myself. Maybe.

How many have you got so far? Five. That's a record. God damn. I like that this guy works on brains and puts rocks in his ass. Right.

That's what I'm saying. The fact that you are in neuroscience and you're bit in this second Walter White life that you're living when you're not being a genius is about butt rocks.

And you're supposed to be finding out how to help people's brains and you're talking about butt rocks. When you're walking with these rocks, do they fall out or how does that affect your walking? What does that look like? Can you show me an act out? It's challenging. You have to really, you know...

I mean, my bat cheeks are not very good at holding rocks, actually. You would think. If you're an American guy and you're being a character, you're a genius. I think you're serious. No, no. I'm actually...

Well, I'm not from Germany. I'm from Israel, but I have a German accent. It's a long story. Wow, that's very contradictory. You must have scared a lot of people hanging out in Israel with that fucking looking accent. All right. Hey, what if he ate nothing but Rocky Road ice cream? It's going to be one of those moments that I look at in the history books.

That tag right there. What? Just because it has... He just tried to high five the Patriot, but the Patriot can't see anything. Oh, there he goes. There you go. He almost stubbed his finger on that one, the Patriot can't see anything. Oh, there he goes. There you go. He almost stubbed his finger on that one, the Patriot. Fuck yeah.

Are those Spider-Man gloves that you're wearing underneath the Iron Patriot suit? I ordered these on Amazon. They're Iron Patriot gloves. I love that you order your gloves on Amazon, but you buy a blow-up doll on the third floor of the Gendel. I know. I'm tripping over my words third floor of the Gendel. I know. What the fuck? I'm tripping over my words. I wanted to get that out.

I don't really like the mail. If I can go get it, I'll drive to get it. Why? I don't know how you guys feel. I like going to the store and getting it. Why? He's going down three escalators with the fucking blow-up doll. I have to wait for like a whole week.

Amazon Prime, bro. Next day air. I don't want to pay for that. It's $70 a year. I don't want to pay for that. It's $70 a year. I don't buy that much stuff on Amazon. Look what kind of shoes the neuroscientist wears. I was looking at that. What kind of car do you drive?

98 Chrysler Sebring. What the fuck, dude? Why aren't you driving a Volkswagen? I'm a PhD student. I'm not like a professor. We don't get paid much. Yeah, but you can get a cheap Volkswagen. Neuroscience doesn't get paid much.

Not while you're still a student. I'm a PhD student. I'm not like... How much longer do you have until you start making money? Well, until I graduate a year, I don't know about making money. It's a year? Yeah. Well, there you go. That's probably about when you'll start

making money. Hopefully. Yeah, that's the question I asked. Das ist gut. Ach gut. Mit Garantie. So you really speak German. You can totally speak German.

Well, not as good as Hebrew or English. What's something scary that you can say in German? Like if you were going to kill us, okay? And you were going to really try to scare us for like 10 seconds before you killed us. Yeah, do Nazi talk. You ready? Don't be afraid. I'm not actually going to kill you.

Even though the short name is Kill Tony, and I'm very good at obeying orders. Oh, I see what you're saying. For a second I thought you were speaking German, and I'm like, wait a second, this sucks. No, wait. No, the German thing I wanted to say is, Ich finde die Situation ganz erotisch.

That was very good. He looked at me right in my eyes, and then I'm like, whoa, that's what it feels like to get killed by a German. What if he yells it? Say it, like yell it. Ich finde die Situation ganz erotisch. Hell no. Yes, find the situation ganz erotisch. Hell no.

Yes. I just saw two Jewish girls pass out in the back of the room. Or get very, very wet. Oh, my God. Dude, keep coming around. I love you. That's Ori Amir. He's at Ori Amir on Twitter. That's O-R-I-A-M-I-R.

Funny motherfucker. I'd stick with butt rocks. I'd say something maybe like, you know, a lot of people might not want to stick rocks up their butt, but hey, don't rock it till you try it. You know what I'm saying? Throw one of those fucking masterful puns we were talking about. Or talk about how last year's model was a butt stick.

Right. Right, how it's better to have rocks than a stick, because a stick can only reach so far, whereas rocks you can throw. And I love the act out on the throw, by the way. It's slow motion and shit. Hey, can I ask you, is it a smooth rock or one that's real jagged?

You mean gravel? You mean gravel? Well, since you once let your dog eat chocolate off your dick, you'd probably want to... Oh, wait. We should go back into this, because I have been thinking about it. It's been marinated in my head. Recently, he said that when he was a kid,

that he put chocolate, which is poisonous, on his dick and let his dog lick the chocolate off his dick. And then the first time, he went outside, and he came because the wind blew on his dick. Oh, yeah, that's right. The first time he ever came, he was hanging on a tree, and the wind blew hard, and he came. Yeah, I ran out my backyard naked.

I just, puberty came on me strong. I just had all these emotions. I just wanted to run naked. I just, you know, and it's interesting. I did think about how I put chocolate on my cock and let my cocker spaniel lick it off. I basically served my dog Buffy a banana split because I had the chocolate, the banana, the nuts, the cream. I had it. Oh, my God.

And my banana was even split when I was circumcised at birth. I love that you have your own sexual maneuver called the banana split and you've only done it on a dog. I should be commended. I gave my dog a nice treat. No, you gave him poison. Chocolate is poisonous for your dog. You let him suck your dick.

Now I just lick on it. Oh, yeah. I ain't an it. Oh, yeah. I ain't an animal. I mean, what else? You can't suck at all. Right. You can't suck. He can't wrap his lips around it and move up and down.

I didn't come on the tits or nothing. Come on, let's not go overboard. You know, Tony, we all have dog secrets. I get the feeling this dog made you cum since the thing before that was wind. I just kind of did it myself and then got out of there. It was only one time. You know, everybody has dark secrets from their childhood. I did that when I was 15.

I didn't do it again. It was me. His youth. You know, it is an upgrade from wind, though. I give him that. If you just waited one more year, you could have had the dog give you roadhead while you drove. 15? What the fuck?

You're supposed to be a young man at that point, Patriot, not feed your dog poison off your dick. He had hair on his dick. Good God. You know, I heard that Redman sniffed his grandma's panties, so that's bad. You did? What? You did? I heard that on TV. I did not smell his grandma's panties, so that's bad. You did? What? You did? I heard that on TV.

I did not smell my grandmother's. How old was your grandmother? I've never seen you do whatever this is that you're doing right now, by the way. I've never seen the side of him before. You did. Whatever this is. I've been friends with him for at least a couple years now, and I've never just seen him. You got it.

That was great. So you sniffed your fucking grandma's panties, huh? Patriot with a little research. I was seven years old, all right? I thought they were my mom's. Like I said, we all have God's secrets. I bet everybody has something that they are ashamed of. Not all of us have a fucking Schindler's List like you do. Did the dog make you come or you jerked off yourself?

Yeah, because you say you didn't come on her tits. Where did you come from? No, I just kind of did it in my hands. Oh, God. Both of your hands? What the fuck's going on there? Where was your dog? And they sleep like...

It's funny. It's weird because I went in the closet, but nobody was home. I didn't have to, but I guess it was the shame that just... Yeah. I can tell the shame's hitting you now. Your left arm looks like it's about to fly off downstairs right now. What kind of dog was it again? It was a cocker spaniel.

It was a really cute dog. Oh, Jesus. You know what the sad thing about it was? Everything? It's my dad. Listen, my dad really loved that dog, and when he came home from work that night, he was kissing on that dog,

and I was thinking, he only knew. Because my dad's name's Bubba, and I was thinking, ooh, if Bubba only knew. Oh, my God. Sometimes you say so much stuff that it makes me dizzy, trying to remember all of it. Your dad's name is Bubba? And my mom's name's June.

They live in Mississippi, Bubba and June. Oh, my God. They've been watching the show. They love it. They love the Dirty Gums. What do they say about the dog now? I told my mom to stop listening. You know, it's good.

She heard it for a while. That was good enough. But it's just, you know, she don't understand it. When you come to the comedy store, everybody, you know, you talk about a lot of crazy stuff here. But that's what's great about this place is you can let it all hang out and you don't have to be ashamed. You're right. All right. Your next comedian, everybody, put your hands together for Dustin Emery.

On the subject of bestiality, I don't want to fuck a cow. But if I were so inclined, I mean, it's totally cool to chop these creatures up and fry them in a skillet. But once someone dips their dick in them, everyone's like, whoa, that guy's a monster. are dicking them, everyone's like, whoa, that guy's a monster. And in my mind, if you're cool with eating cows, you should be cool with fucking cows. And I'm not saying that every time you go out for a burger, you got to go jizz in a cow.

But I am saying it could make for an interesting first date. And that's it. Did you just write that? Like, just now? No, no. It was serendipitous. So you're saying the first date thing, the first date would be with the cow, or you would take someone with you? I realized like a half hour before this that the bit

was a minute and a half long, and so there was some stuff there that led up to that that got cut out. Gotcha. I had to edit this bit. Right. I need to see the deleted scenes to understand the whole

movie. Yeah, you're definitely there's definitely something in that that fucking Calvin being a monster thing. You lost me towards the end. I can't even remember exactly what was going on. But the premise is better than the joke is right now, which is a great position to be in.

But do you even care about fucking a cow? Do you really want to fuck a cow? Not particularly. Are you cow? Not particularly. Are you vegan? Vegetarian. But you think it should be okay that you fuck a cow? I don't give a fuck. You want to fuck a cow, fuck a cow.

I don't think the cow's going to mind too much. That's the point you're making, is that if you want to fuck a cow, go ahead. Yeah, I wanted the irony kind of of the juxtaposition and the idea of it's totally cool to, like I said, chop them up in itty-bitty pizzas. But fucking them.

Oh, that's no good. That's the observation. Yeah. Got ya. Yeah. Have you ever done comedy at a rally? No. You do seem like you would be cast

as a college student in San Francisco. Or like an Ivy League school or something like that. Like you look like you should be carrying books with you. Has anybody ever told you that? No. Peter Parker-y. Yeah, there's something there. Like there's something where like, for example,

what I see when I look at you is there's definitely some dark secrets like Patriot was just talking about. Like I can tell you're sort of like an you're sort of like the irony Patriot. You're really digging those puns tonight. Thank you. I know. I'm in the writers guild anyway. Yeah. Car. Yeah. Carrying books.

I'd write a bit about how you look like you should be carrying books as well. As well as that thing. I would turn that book carrying thing into something. I don't know if I'm going to do that. That's fine. Why would you want to take my always right advice? But anyway. But yeah. I like the bit a lot.

I think it's really funny and there's a lot you can do with it. Way more you can do with it. Maybe talk about a date with the cow or some shit. Warmer up finger a little bit first. Hopefully not find a condom in her asshole. I think you should... Do you think the set up to that shit is too long? I think so.

It's like, I feel like if we, like, hey, man, if we could eat cows, we should be able to fuck them, too. And then you can paint the picture. You know what it is? You can slaughter them, you can kill them. It felt like you were on the side of fucking cows. Yeah. And you're not. You like fucking cows.

But you're saying if you're going to be allowed to eat cows, then you should also be able to fuck them. Yeah. Outside of you. Yeah, I don't know if it came across, but my intention was to make it seem like I was on the side but trying to hide it. Yeah. And like, I don't want to fuck a cow. I totally do. But you don't.

No. Yeah. Do I? But you don't? No. Yeah. Do I? You should make it where it's more about how that's a thing that you think rather than be on the side of fucking.

Because that's not even honest. You know what I mean? But you really don't think people should eat cows. Talk about the benefits of fucking a cow. I don't got to pay for my milk. That's some shit. You know the cow. You ever fuck a fat chick before?

Not with... Well, I finger banged a fat chick. Does that count? There you go. Fucking a cow would sort of be like popping your... I don't know. You fingered a fat chick before? What are you saying? It's just fat?

How do you end up in that position, by the way? How do you end up just trying to please the one fat chick that you hook up with and not just, all right. I don't know how I got into it. I kind of came to blackout drunk in the middle of the act and just kept going. I like how your voice cracked right then when you said kept going. I like how your voice cracked right then when you said kept going.

Having flashbacks to, what's a good fat girl name? Like Stacy or something? Claire? Princess? Claire? Was that her name? I feel like that was actually her name. Yeah, it was.

Claire's definitely always 240 plus, right? What about Amber? Brittany? That was definitely Claire's definitely always like 240 plus, right? What about Amber? Brittany? Brittany's a big whore's name. Surely that's a great one. How about Burley?

Anyway, fuck. Yeah. Yeah. That's a funny thing. Take those tags. Take the tags. Dustin Emery. That's a funny thing. Take those tags. Take the tags. Dustin Emery. He's not on Twitter.

Not on Twitter. Interesting maneuver. I get it. I get it. Interesting. Your next comedian's name. Whoa, look at this. It's Josh Martin, everybody.

Wow. Oh. Unbelievable. everybody Believer that Lot of statutory rape is a big issue guys a lot of people getting caught fucking 16 years Gotta understand why you would want to fuck a 16 year old. But people have urges. Like, they have to do something. Like, if you have to do it, this is how you get away with it.

You just give them good dick. Like, I feel like... Like, you can get away with anything if you just give good dick, I feel like. Like, what, you fucked my 12-year-old daughter? Oh, you gave her good dick? Okay, you're okay. Good dick is hard to find, I feel. Or

it might be just hard for me to provide. I don't know. That's all. Stupid. Wait, okay. I gotta ask just so that I know before I even say anything. What were the last two things that you said? Because those are the two things that I missed. You said good dick is hard to find something.

Hard dick is hard to find or I... And a hard dick is good to find. Good dick is hard to find or I'm just really good at providing. I'm really bad at providing. Good dick. I would say good dick is hard to find and hard dick is good to find first and then say everything else that you're gonna say and stay in that pocket of a good dick it's so funny that you give no explanation onto what makes your dick so good

no i i think it actually no i i just feel like you could get away with anything. You can rape a nine-year-old kid. Oh, my God. You know that shitty kid won't get any. This nigga's an animal. If you give that kid good dick, probably won't get any. Josh, do you really think if you rape my nine-year-old daughter and you came up to me and go,

you keep your dick, that I'm going to be like, yeah! High five! Nigga, are you crazy? Good dick is hard to find. What kind of childhood did you have? I got good dick, bro. I always make shit.

When you're talking about good dicking a child, what are you talking about? What about a five-year-old? If you gave good dick to a five-year-old, would that be cool? According to Josh, if he made the five-year-old? If you gave a good dick to a five-year-old, would that be cool? According to Josh, if he made the five-year-old squirt, it's all right. She wasn't squirting.

She was pissing on herself and shit. Oh, she loved it. I'm totally going to get away with this one. She just squirted in her diaper. That five-year-old could barely walk because she just learned how to walk. Oh, I thought my dick made her not be able to walk. I mean, if you're going to do it the way that it's written now, I would say keep taking it that direction where you just stay in that groan pocket

of the shit we were just talking about. Squirting in diapers, the barely walk thing. That's all funny. If you're going to stay there, you know what I mean? Just be prepared to have a lot of fucking bad sets. I did it. These kids don't know good dick.

I had a really bad set last night. As soon as I did that joke, this one old guy wanted to kill me because of that joke. Because of what joke? Because of that joke I just did. It's a very dirty joke.

You can understand why. I understand why, but... Any guy with a daughter is going to never work with you in this town. People need to learn how to fuck. You know? Fuck good, at least. Let me ask you a question. How come none of these girls that you're talking about

that we've mentioned since you brought this up are any of them over 18? I don't want to fuck them, but people have urges. They have to fuck a 16-year-old. So you're saying, what if the pedophile has a dick? The pedophile could get away with it, I feel, if they gave good dick to them.

Not me. I feel them kind of. You know? I mean, because some states it's legal to fuck a 16-year-old, like Las Vegas. If you took her to Las Vegas, you could fuck her there. The state of Las Vegas. Yeah. Excuse me, excuse me. Las Vegas state. Nevada, you could fuck her there. The state of Las Vegas. Excuse me.

Nevada. You could fuck her there and shit. God, your search history, both of you combined. I actually know the age and percent of all the states. Just in case I got to be on the road. I got a tattoo right here.

I love that. So you're just getting roadhead and you're like, baby, we're a mile from the state line. We either got to wait a year or go the other direction. State of Las Vegas. Yeah, stay in the pocket with it. That's Josh Martin, everybody. At Josh Martin Comic. He's got a speech impediment if you didn't notice.

It's pretty blatant. It's almost like he could have changed that routine to hot girls because they can, if they give good pussy, they can get anything they want. You know, but he was talking about to catch a predator or whatever. It is, and you could do that. You technically could leave

the kids out of it and just say you could rape a woman and give her good dick. I think you gotta decide. Don't you think rape jokes are the worst thing? Unless you're talking about raping babies and then that's one level worse.

Yeah. I think raping adults isn't as bad as raping kids, right? Josh, leaving us the tough questions to answer up here. I just think you should just take a shit with that joke outside and walk away from it. Talk about how you let the five-year-old shit on your chest or some shit. Because she had to take a boo-boo.

Because she had to go. She had to take a boo-boo. Because she had to go. She had to take a boo-boo. But actually, I just changed her diaper while I was laying underneath her. Your next comedian's name, everybody, is Lil Bro. We know Lil Bro. We love Lil Bro. We love Lil Bro. Always funny. And now he's blacklisted.

Oh. Sometimes it's sad when people we know get blacklisted. Can I ask you guys something? Sure. Do you think we have too many Littles? I mean, there's Lil Wayne, Lil Romeo, Lil Jon. And Lil Bro, everybody. It's Lil Bro. Here he is. Oh, my God.

That's what I'm now four. My kids stay with me and my ex-wife and her husband. Me and my oldest son, we share a room. I actually stay with them. But they don't know that I'm living with them. I sleep in my oldest son's closet. So I'm pretty much thinking, you know, even though I'm at a bad point in my life, I'm realizing if I had a job, I have everything that I have at the house now. I have Wi-Fi, free cable, get free food. Like, why should I get out?

Like, even once my kids leave home, I think I'm going to still stay there in the closet. That's all I have. That's a sitcom pitch. Very funny. I'm going to still stay there in the closet. That's all I have. That's a sitcom pitch. That's a great idea. Daddy in the closet. Sitcom idea. The dad that lives in the closet. Huh?

The sitcom would be about the dad who lives in the kid's closet. Yeah. Oh, and her ex-husband is an illegal immigrant. He's Mexican. Wow. Yeah. So I'm thinking about confrontation with him that he finds me and I threaten him to get him deported. Yeah.

Brilliant. So that's a sitcom idea. I got like three episodes wrote. Wow. Wow. Three episodes are already wrote. You have three episodes to write. Can I be an extra

in it? Oh, yeah. Me and the Iron Patriot. On a date in the background. What about something about you having a girlfriend on the side and shit, but she can only come to y'all closet and shit, and then y'all end up having kids and raising them inside of that

closet and shit. Yeah, this is an animated series. It has to be an animated series. Have a candlelight dinner in the closet with her and set some shit on fire. Something about your new kids coming out of the closet. Somewhere, new kids

coming out of the closet. That's kind of fun. Maybe you're in the closet and all you have is a laptop and everything that you do is from that laptop. And you have to learn how to do everything. And I sneak out at night because I still have a life.

I just stay there. You know what I'm saying? When everybody's gone, it's pretty much like me and my dog that used to belong to me anyway. And now they have the dog. Well, I mean, the dog, once, because she divorced me

and, you know, like, some men drive their wives to lesbianism. I drove mine to Home Depot and told her to pick one. Ha ha ha ha. Um. Fuck yeah. I mean, that's... If what we're talking about is a sitcom here,

I mean, if I was an executive, I would greenlight it right now. Me too. I definitely think... You should kickstart that. Yeah. What would be the name of it? Fuck a name, man. Let's get the money, right?

Let them figure out the name. That's the title? Who cares about the title or the script? Let's just get this thing going on Kickstarter. Am I right? Hell yeah. What about? Just give me that money.

Hell yeah. When you say, when you come out and you be like, black man, you should take care of your kids and shit. Well, there ain't no niggas in the room. They wouldn't hear it anyway, though, Jamal, if they were in the room. Fuck taking care of my kids. Do you think it would be just as effective if you was up there like, hey, people, take care of your kids and shit? Well, because it's more based on me and, like, me being a black man, the circumstances I go through to want to take care

of my kids to where I still want to be involved in my kids life, but I kind of like I can't do it because I got kicked out of my house. I have nowhere to stay, so I kind of turn to my kids. My kids kind of help me stay at

their house and keep it a secret from their mom and their husband. Kind of like Mrs. Doubtfire. to help me stay at their house and keep it a secret from their mom and the husband. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But what if. It's kind of like Mrs. Doubtfire. Yeah.

Yeah. But I'm not dressed up like a woman. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. But what if there ain't no niggas in the audience? That was the question. No, no, no, no.

Not in high school. No. It's not stand up. That's not my stand up. No, no. I was like as far as the joke goes. Oh, yeah. Do you live with it?

Do you live with your kids? No. I'll stay out here. My kids are like. Oh, yeah. I was just like, as far as the joke goes. Oh, yeah. Do you live with your kids? No, I'll stay out here. My kids are like. Oh, yeah. I don't know where they are. Yeah. Okay. But I thought about it.

Like, I thought about, like, how could I spend more time with my kids and, you know, be there in their lives every day, even though me and their mom are not together. You see? So, I make the sacrifice, plus I have no place to stay. My kids sneak me in. Me and my oldest son share his room because they have a big house. It's the house that I used to stay

in until the divorce and she got it. Maybe you bang the cleaning lady when in until the divorce and she got it. Maybe you bang the cleaning lady when she comes into the closet. And she cleans everything for you, gives you food. That's how you get your food. She sneaks shut and

do. She nurses the kids for you. We have a love affair, but I eventually want to try to get back with my ex-wife in the sitcom. Well, that's what eventually want to try to get back with my ex-wife in the sitcom. Well, that's what's great. You can get back with your ex-wife and you can hook the Mexican cleaning lady up with the Mexican from Home Depot and they

can get together and you guys can maintain and be friends. And take care of them new kids that you just had. Right. And the Mexican can go build himself a guest house in the back and then you guys can all... Then we can get to season seven with this shit. Season seven is where the pit bull, you get a pit bull. Oh, shit.

Oh, my God. Or maybe a cock of Spaniel, right? Oh, shit. It's funny how it's a cock of Spaniel. You son of a bitch. I see why you're in the sitcom game now. There he is, everybody. Lil Bro, almost blacklisted.

At Lil Bro on Twitter. That's L-I-L-B-R-O-U-G-H because he spells bro unlike anybody else because he's a marketing genius. He spells bro unlike anybody else because he's a marketing genius. Yeah, as far as other people in the bucket, we're going to move on to our second to last portion of the show tonight because we have something special we're doing this evening. Next week, our friend Pete at PDC, this week. This Thursday. Oh, it is this week.

Oh, yeah, on the podcast. Okay, gotcha. This Thursday, Oh, it is this week. Oh, yeah. I'm the podcast. Okay, gotcha. This Thursday, live from Phoenix, Arizona, our good friend Pete at PDC is opening up doing five or something like that before our show in Phoenix.

And so, working out a new minute that he wrote today. One of all of our best friends, one of our funniest pals, PDC, everybody! In the flesh! Pete!

It's all good. It's all good. It's all good. Just everybody relax. Everyone relax. Alright. Alright. So I sat around today daydreaming, you know, about about girl scouts and like everyone thinks they're sweet little girls but really they're gangster as fuck like twice a year they sell

shitty overpriced cookies we buy the shit out of them to support their cause i don't even know what their cause is what is their cause like teaching young girls how to sweet talk people out of their money so they have to work two months a year. I got to look at this. I just wrote it. They should rename them the future gold diggers of America. Like where do they sell these shitty overpriced cookies? Right outside the place that sells the good cookies for cheap.

The grocery store. That's like you going to the weed store to buy some really good weed for 30 bucks. And there's a Boy Scout out front selling shitty weed for $40, and you just buy that instead. And it's not like they're making the cookies, you know? They buy that shit from China or something. If there was some kind of plan to get young girls back in the kitchen so my son, his future wife, doesn't have to serve him TV dinners every night, I'd buy a whole fucking truckload. Coming in at exactly one minute. Like the kingpin that he is.

Pete, that's fucking hilarious. That was great. I like all that. Did you really just write that today? I wrote some of those parts today. Yeah, that's so great, man. Fuck yes. You could totally tell with you, 100% of great, man. Thanks. This is really good shit. Fuck yes. You could totally tell with you,

100% of the only thing you need to work on is stage presence. Yeah, that's it. Because you could tell the nervousness up there, and that's all just because this is new to you. But joke-wise, you could fucking destroy it. Yeah, you can compete with just about anybody. Thanks.

Like, he already has perspective. Right, totally. Because he's been hanging out with all of us for years, you know. And he's prolific on Twitter. And a great writer. Always a great mind. But I totally agree with Red Band. All we're working on now are the nooks of just fucking breathing and shit.

You know what I mean? You guys make me nervous. You have a hint of anger. You think? Whenever you say something funny. I've noticed that about you always. Like whenever we hang out and you say funny shit, there's like a chip on your shoulder type of – I'm an angry person.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you use that as fuel the right way. You channel it the right way. So where there's anger, there's something funny when it comes to the way you do comedy. So it's around there. It's true. It works that way with quite a few people. Anger is – but it is totally different the way that you do it.

It seems like natural. It just – you literally come from anger before you say something funny. It's like this is something that you saw or you went through and it was like it pissed you off. And then you bring it out of whatever you say. And I'm talking about normal conversation, Pete. And I haven't seen you do comedy on stage in years. And that's exactly what it's like. Oh, there's that anger when he talks.

And it fuels the whole thing. It's pretty dope. That's what's so important is most people don't have anything that we can notice going on to find with them. But, yeah, that was hilarious. All right, thanks. Patriot, what did you think of Pete? PDC. That was really good, the analogy with the weed store and the grocery store. And 100% true.

Seriously. Did you buy Girl Scout cookies? What kind did you get? What kind did you get? I get the fucking ones with the chocolate and the peanut butter in there. Karma Delights. Don't they have the generic fudge stripes or some shit like that?

Smokes. Yeah. Shortbread, whatever. They come to your door? No, they're sitting outside of the grocery store. Oh, right. And they get you that. How does the grocery store even let that go down? Right. Joshua just raped them. He raped them

for their cookies. I give you me a good joke. They don't go door to door-door anymore, do they? Because that seems really scary. But imagine how they used to do it. They used to do these little girls. Door-to-door is just creepy. That's crazy.

I wonder how many of them went up missing. You know what I mean? Okay, that got weird. All right. Wait a second. Josh Meyerowitz has a question. Way out far away from the microphone so no one can hear weird. All right. Wait a second. Josh Meyerowitz has a question. Way out far away from the microphone so no one can hear him. Josh Martin.

Josh Meyerowitz. They will go door-to-door if it's Calabasas because it's private communities. They'll get around safely. What? It's true. He raised his hand to say that Wow Just to let us know that Girl Scouts do go door to door in Calabasas

There he goes P. Cornetione everybody At PDC on Twitter P-E-T-E-E-C On Twitter Josh brought up one good point I would love to see Josh talking to Girl Scouts coming to his door.

Wouldn't that be amazingly hilarious? I have no idea how much I would love to buy your cookies, but I do not have money at this time. I'm so sorry. Would you come in? No, that's what you sound like. Alright, just relax.

I love you, Tommy. Yeah. Son of a bitch. Yeah. Well, we've come to that part of the show where we've come to our two final regulars, as always, here. It's always fun to watch the constant growth of two of our favorites.

Going along with last week's tradition of flipping it and keeping it flipped for this show as well, why don't we bring up first, she's going to Florida I believe at the end of this week and she won't be with us. Rumored to be

the next two episodes. Wow, that's an automatic blacklist ban, right? Maybe she's trying to overcompensate. She's trying to negotiate sending in a recording. We're talking with... I think Bacon needs to go up in her place. Wow. Wow. Bacon here?

There's Bacon in the back. Would you step into your cousin's footsteps and do two sets while she's in Florida? She doubts it. She wouldn't even save her cousin. Her own blood. That would be great. To save her cousin from a blacklisting.

And she just destroys. Yeah. Yeah. She writes the jokes and you do them. Yeah, that'd be great. That'd be fantastic. that's what we should do have Kimberly write it she has a stunt double

yes fantastic her stand in her blood stand in well here she is tonight everybody she was built and created here dropped out of college

to keep doing stand up in Hollywood she really did it's fucking hilarious and every week we root her on. Here she is. Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Guys.

Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth broke up today. Or a few days ago, I think. I think they were having problems after she foam fingered herself. And she tried to fix it, but it just wasn't twerking out. In other news,

in other news, I'll be turning 23 on Wednesday. So I'm excited. I'm excited to get my shit together. Like, I think I need to stop flashing my tits for ice cream and start flashing my tits for cars. I think a relationship is nothing without a little bit of trust fund. I want what every girl wants.

I want to hear those words come out of my lover's mouth. I put you in my will. That's it. I hated everything but that last part. Perfect. I hated everything else, and I would never repeat anything like it again. Sweet.

Except for the last part? Except for the last part. Yeah. Yeah, I like the last part. I didn't really, you know, I was trying it. Those funny word jokes to me, I mean,

while they make me go, like that, it's more like, I can't believe I'm mad at myself know, just trying it. Those funny word jokes to me, I mean, while they make me go like that, it's more like I can't believe I'm mad at myself my face did that. Well, I wanted to go more into it, but then last week you guys were. When they're like that, yeah. I mean, the trick with the puns, and I guess I didn't get to say this earlier, is if you're already killing and you've already shown your skill set of who you are, it works, you know what I mean? And what I like about you is that normally you stay

in that pocket and you have a pretty defined voice and it seemed like tonight you were like testing out things that you see. I mean, we all see comedians do certain things, but it's very important in this infantile stage that you're at to stick with what you

like the way that you do things. Yeah, I wanted to. It gets confusing because you see. It was like I talked about myself too much. Remember? Well, you didn't say I did too much. You said just to recognize it and to maybe try something else. So I tried to do something else this week. Yeah, totally. But now I know I should probably just go back to the other

shit. Yeah, because when I was like Normally she's talking about her mom and like real, real stuff. I was like, oh, she's one of, she's a pun comedian. No, not really. I just tried it. Right, and if you go for it with that, I mean, you've got to dig deeper than twerking and working. Gotcha.

The Miley Cyrus twerking thing, do you think everybody's like? Oh, everybody's thought that at one point. With the twerk, work, punk. And I'm like, please stop. Yeah. Stop. It's not twerking. Which is fine. with the twerk work pun and I'm like, can you stop? Like, stop. It's not twerking. Which is fine.

I can tell you probably made that adjustment because of the tone of things in today's show and probably something like that. Did that really break up? Yeah, it's one of those things to where, you know,

I didn't even really show off my pun side to even a lot of my friends here until I was established as funny. You know what I mean? Like, and they had my trust because then it's funny. Yeah. But you, yeah, puns are something you sit on for a while.

Okay. Cool. And the other thing, like, you know, the other thing where it's like that continuing thing that I've seen a lot of female comedians do, not so much lately,

but a few years ago, where, you know, that trust fund part, I think it's all about trust fund. Like, I'm just not a fan

of that either, and I would nip that in the butt while you're still just getting your, you know, your muscle built. However, that was hilarious, the end part.

What you were getting at, I mean, you can say that without making that other thing, or you could think of something else to start it off if you wanted to. But getting in the trust fund, everybody wants to hear those words. And it doesn't even have to be trust fund. It could just be a will or anything. Yeah. Cool. Yeah.

The last part of the joke made me think of, like, Anna Cole Smith. Remember? She had that old guy. Yeah. Yeah. There you go. Maybe she could work. Is there any other celebrity that's been gold digging lately?

Nope. Nope. And for her to dig deep and reference 2005 wouldn't be that beneficial. But thanks, Patriot. That's right up there with the fuck was that other thing he said earlier? 2005 wouldn't be that beneficial. But thanks, Patriot. That's right up there with... What the fuck was that other thing he said earlier? Rocky Road. Yeah, Rocky Road.

Hey, say Rocky Road in it, Emmer. Rocky Road. Patriot, it's great that you still chime in. I love that. Yeah, I like comedy. Fucking love him. Well, anything else for Kimberly guys? Anything you want to say?

I like the old man thing Yeah I like that part too The puns Just don't ever do that again Great she'll never do it again I know for a fact she'll never do it again I'll never do it again

Ever Unless you really believe in one never do it again. I was just going to say, I know for a fact she'll never do it again. I'll never do it again. Ever. Unless you really believe in one. By the way, you're going to walk around here like a few weeks from now, you're going to see somebody do a pun in front of her and she's going to be like, you're fucking gross to whoever that person is. You're going to be like, yes, we got it across. Hell yeah.

But there she is, everybody. Kimberly Congdon, right? Fantastic. Every week she's here. I believe she's at Kimberly Congdon on Twitter, spelled how it sounds, C-O-N-G-D-O-N. And she's trying to work on her flight right now so that she can make it back into town for the L.A. Podfest. And so we'll see what happens with that.

This person is going to be at the L.A. Podfest. She's been with us since episode one. She's always here. Put your hands together for Sarah Mostajabi, everyone. Here she is. Breaking news yesterday. Grand Theft at 05 grossed over a billion dollars in sales. In related news,

I still cannot pay off my $90,000 of student loan debt for my game design degree. It's worth every penny. I don't know if you guys play Grand Theft Auto, but it's fucking rad. You basically drive around Los Angeles, and it's all clusterfuck mixed up,

but it's great, and you can do whatever you want. If you don't want to play the game, play it based on the simple fact that you can pull the LAPD out of their car and punch them in the fucking face and throw them on the ground based on parking tickets alone

it's a wonderful feeling to pull these like tee hee hee here's my chihuahua and mini side bag bitches out of their little fucking convertibles and shoot them in the head is a great feeling. Those guys, those

rock stars used to be so cool in 2002 got the barbed wire tattoo and the trucker hat. Pull him out of his fucking Range Rover. Run him over. Run him over. I'm not very good at that game though. I always drive. I'm driving and I clip somebody and then the cops come and

the helicopters and then I fuck a hooker and then it's over. Boom. There she is. Sarah Mostajabi sticking with the Grand Theft Auto. I love that as a premise. Absolutely. There's a lot, a lot there. I think you can get to the

I think you can get to that good stuff faster. Yeah. You got to paint that picture almost entirely differently for the parking ticket thing, I'd say. It's a lot of work to get around. I think you said if you don't play it, play it just for the fact that it's like words, and all of a sudden I'm like,

so wait, wait, wait, where am I? As I'm trying to listen to the punchline. I feel bad. I haven't actually got to play the game yet because it turns out that I have a 4 gig Xbox and you need to have an 8 gig hard drive space. You have played the game. Well, I mean, I got to fucking play it.

That's not like playing a game, you know. Do you have it? Yeah, I bought it. I pre-ordered it and I stood in line at midnight on Tuesday just so that I could not actually... Can't you delete stuff off your hard drive? No, literally, my Xbox is a 4GIG. Wait, wait, wait.

You stood in line for Grand Theft Auto, but didn't buy it. No, I bought it. Yeah, I have it. My Xbox that I bought originally died, and somebody gave me theirs because they were like, fuck it, I don't ever play with this thing. But I didn't realize that it's one of the smaller hard drives.

There's no hard drive. There's no space in it. It's a bit... Our autistic heckler, everybody. I mean, he just never ceases to amaze me, the fact that he does not have a microphone. It's two discs. One is an

installation disc, one is a disc. It's two discs. One is an installation disc. One is a disc. Yeah. All right. So now tens of thousands of people don't know what we're talking about. Anyway. Anyways, yeah. So I think that'll get better.

The game design part was funny. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. That was real. Yeah, it's true. It's hard to swallow. Right.

How did you not get a piece of that? I mean, that would be a route. It's the fact that the video game industry is making so much money, and she... Right. That's what I'm saying. I love that. Where did you... The funny...

I think the next funny thing is, like, where did you go wrong? Well, if you think trying to be a comic is hard, try to get into gaming industry. Like it's literally that competitive and like that hard. Well, maybe you can say something about, you know, moving, sleeping your way up to the top.

It is like, you know, Donkey Kong, you know, like going up ladders to, or I can make a joke. I like sleeping the way to your top. You actually have to start at the bottom because everybody that works in the

video game business lives in their parents' basement. Maybe that I didn't beat the right boss or something. I didn't beat the boss. The other stuff, like the bringing out the... Whenever I hear a Grand Theft Auto joke, it ends in beating up a hooker.

I don't know. That's really... You don't want to end with the fuck with the hooker. That's where everybody thinks you're going, for sure. I totally agree with that. And the whole car thing, you've got to watch out. It's personal that it's like you actually went to school to design video games, and this video game broke records of how much money it made on the first day. And you're playing it, and the hours and hours that you're playing it is a constant reminder of how you worked with that.

It almost seems worse to have lived in the video game world. But also, don't you see where, like, you said you never really played it. So the places where you were making up stuff, you had never even done that. No, I played it at Red Band's house earlier this week. He went to get a 5S and I went over to his house and we hung out and played GTA for an hour before we went. So I played it there.

Look at that, a special producers meeting. I see. Are we getting canned? Trust me, it was a weird ass experience for me. I tweeted, does anyone want to go with me and wait in line and get an iPhone 5S? And you were like, I'm down. And I'm like, okay.

And then she waits. She comes over. And then we go over to the iPhone store. And then we're sitting in there for a while. And then she goes, can I go sleep in your car? I felt really bad. I'm like, wait, why? And I'm like, oh, I'm not getting an iPhone.

So it was like you were just on along for the ride? Well, no, I'd never gone to the opening, like the first day sale of an Apple product. And I was just curious. So I wanted to hang out with you, you know? Creepy. I think what's most important... I wanted to smell your pillow.

Oh. There you go. Gross. That sounds like something you'd say. I feel like that's something you'd say about a chick. I wanted to smell your pillow. I'm going to smell your underwear. There you go.

Sarah, you got some advice out of that. Staying in the GTA 5 pocket is topical and interesting and it is obviously highly connective. That student loan shit is funny. Yeah. And I agree with everything.

Matt saying that the realist part is you talking about your video game degree. You could really get more into that. I should have paid more attention when somebody was mentioning. I shouldn't have said, who's ever going to want to play a game where blank and blank? And then paint that picture of GTA.

I would get into something about how you almost or could have or should have or wish you would have met the right people while in the video gaming business. What if something like that? Sarah, have things changed at all in the last five years? I mean, was there more demand back then when you signed up for school and it changed at all or there's less demand now? That's kind of a long question, but there was a really big boom in the gaming industry a while ago. And so now the market is just flooded with people.

And there are a lot of people that are a lot more talented at, like, design and programming than I am. Boom. Rock and roll. What about some shit you'd be like, oh, the next Grand Theft Auto should be about, like, you'd be like, oh, yeah, I'm working on the next Grand Theft Auto now. It's about a chick who's $90,000 in debt, and the mission is

to, you know... Just do the heist so she can afford it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. To reach her loans. For making that game. They break the fourth wall. Take it and bake it. That's Sarah Mostajabi adding another 60 seconds of growth

to the overall big picture, as always. Sarah Dresses on Twitter. And what do you guys have coming up? Anything to promote? Anything crazy going on? At Matt Edgar on Twitter. At Jamar Neighbors on Twitter. What else?

Just a couple of shows around town. Yeah. I'll be here a little bit later on this week follow these two guys on Twitter because they're both going to end up being mega huge I'm so excited that you guys still aren't famous enough that I could get you on the show

yeah once I get famous fuck you it's the Iron Patriot follow him on Twitter at Comic Patriot that's at Matt Edgar with one T by by the way. And Jamar Neighbors spelled exactly how it sounds. Matt Edgar with one T. Check us out at L.A. Podfest.

Come see us live. It's going to be a great weekend. Go to LAPodfest.com. Get the big ticket. Mark Maron before us and then Kill Tony on October 4th. Up next, the Ding Dong Show and a Death Squad doubleheader like every Monday here at the Comedy Store. With no regard. Boy, don't test me cause I'm tired of teaching lessons. Shoot that.