KILL TONY - KILL TONY #170

Episode Date: August 24, 2016

Mike Lawrence, Stephen Glickman, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Jeremiah Watkins, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 08/15/2016 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. All our podcasts can be found at DeathSquad.TV and on iTunes under Death Squad. This is Kill Tony. Don't forget to Tony Hinchcliffe it up at his website. Go on TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you can find all his tour information. He's going to be in Chicago, Toronto, Tulsa, San Francisco, Sacramento, Boston, Buffalo, a bunch of dates.

Just go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for all the information and his merchandise. TonyHinchcliffe.com Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. He draws every episode. He has the Kill Tony poster. It's a movie poster. It's badass. He also sells prints of every episode that he draws

at his website. Ryanyanjebelt.com. Also, don't forget to go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates for all the different shows that we do here at Death Squad. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store, we also do our newest podcast, which is Bedtime Stories, every other Monday, usually. We also have Roast Battle every Tuesday, which is the verbal violence podcast here at Death Squad. And every first and third Friday, we have the Ice House Chronicles Death Squad Secret Show at the Pasadena Ice House. And that's every first and third Friday. Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on tour dates. Also, ShopSquad.TV has all the Death Squad official merchandise.

If you're looking for the latest Death Squad kitty cat shirts or hats, go to ShopSquad.TV. And if you want to see any of the video portions of any of the podcasts that we do, if they're available, go to DeathSquad.TV and click on videos. There you'll be taken to the Vimeo page. Which has all the different shows we do. Like the Ice House Chronicles. Kill Tony.

And What Brian Redband Do. So check it out. Alright guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Road Famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 4. Get up for Tony Henshclay! I just put

eye drops in right before you started the show. So if it looks like I'm crying, it's because I'm so happy to be here on a Monday with you, ladies and gentlemen. Make some fucking noise. You ready to Monday it up in this bitch? This is Brian Redband. What is up, guys? Keep it going for him on the ones, the twos, everything.

Everything you hear tonight that isn't a human being. It's Brian Redband. Jamie Vernon in the back. Keep it going for him. On the ones, the twos, everything. Everything you hear tonight that isn't a human being. It's Brian Redband. Jamie Vernon in the back. House artist Ryan J. Ebel drawing tonight's episode. Young Jamie, Ryan J. Ebel. And look at this. It's a shirt that Ryan J. Ebel made, everybody.

It's your first ever Kill Tony shirt. Who knows what's going to happen. Stay tuned. We're going to announce what the fuck we're going to do with this shirt. Breaking news. The first ever three years and 170 episodes of this podcast. And we are the longest running podcast

to not have its own t-shirt, by the way. If you're wondering. By far. 170 episodes at an hour and a half a piece. Live. All in front of live audiences. Our first t-shirt right here. Back to the show. Hi everybody and welcome.

I'm so excited that you're here. Let's just fucking jump into it, shall we? Oh yeah, I have some dates I have to talk about. Real quick. Any guys? There's our first gay reference of the night. Right down the hatch. Nice and easy.

Tulsa, San Francisco, Sacramento. Those are big ones. I'm doing the punchlines up there a couple weekends. Boston's Wilbur Theater is really the most important thing. That's October 8th. And some oddball dates. September 1st, 2nd, 3rd. Oddball.com.

We have a Death Squad secret show this Thursday also. Come see us do stand-up this Thursday. Here, in the main room. Stand-up comedy. Remember that, guys? The old art form of stand-up comedy. It's really cool because Doug Stanhope, friend of the show, his manager

is getting back into comedy. So he's been doing a lot of Death Squad shows lately. It's really cool seeing somebody that spent almost his whole life doing comedy then stopping for years and then getting back into it it's really cool to watch yeah watch some guy get back into comedy ryan henning a special treat yeah for those of you that are like is it just going to be a bunch of professional comedians killing it one after the other that are in the zone. Nope. There's a twist. There's a guy who might completely bomb right in front of you.

By the sounds of it, he sounds like he's sort of an older guy and it's going to be double depressing because you're going to be like, man, I just watched a 27-year-old shred this room with truth and now there's some 50-year-old guy and I feel a little uncomfortable. Got to come Thursday to find out, though.

And if there's an audience in the world that loves watching people bomb, it is the Kill Tony audience. So welcome to the show, everybody. Let's get right into it. One of my favorite things every Monday is I get to bring out the Kill Tony band. And they always surprise me with a cool entrance that has something to do with something that's always going on in the world at the time and it's my favorite thing in the world. I hope it is yours as well. Put your hands together for the band.

It's Reagan and Watkins, ladies and gentlemen. Jesus. Oh, no. They're coming out wearing all Speedos. And the award... Wow. Keep it going, please. I want to see how long they're going to...

Oh, my God. So for those of you listening to the audio part of this podcast and not seeing the visuals, you can probably tell by the Olympic music that there is indeed a theme. They are all wearing Speedos, the three of them. Except for Pat and Joel, actually. They're both wearing their normal underwear, tucked up. Oh god. Tucked up and with definitely stuff shoved into the front.

All of them have gold medals around their neck and shower hairnets. Not really your actual swim cap. Something that looks like it would come off immediately after diving into the pool. Tony, swim caps cost ten bucks a pop. Whoa! How much did those cost?

A dollar for three. A dollar for three. A dollar for three. That has to be true. Jeremiah has those tan lines on his belly where it looks like he might have stayed by the pool in his stomach. Look how his gut bounces up and down. I always forget how unbelievably unhealthy Jeremiah is

until all of a sudden he's laughing and his belly button... If anybody wins an Olympic gold, it's your belly button doing a seven-foot leap right now as you laugh. I mean, look at that. What is that? Oh, my God. Looks like somebody pole vaulted into your belly button. That is a gullet. Is that what they drove the fucking Millennium Falcon into in Empire Strikes Back?

You have a deep belly button, my friend. Oh, man. Hi, Jeremiah. How are you? Oh, I'm good, Tony. It's great to be back on Kill Tony. Thanks so much for having me. You know, I've never done a show just in Speedo before. And I'd imagine that it feels sort of seems like you're wearing

nothing right now. You have a saxophone in front of you but if anybody's just joining the video podcast right now, like if they went forward and they're like, I listen to this show every week, I don't want to hear Tony and his fucking dates, let's just go to when the band's already out. Like they're just seeing really you. I mean, this is

the first time I've gotten to notice your extremely hairy thighs, by the way. What are you, Jeremiah? Do you shave your chest? He's all man. 100% man. Okay. What?

You didn't like that? Okay. A couple Olympic athletes. I want to know, in real life, what are the last sport things you guys have done? You know what is great? I won a bronze for pole vaulting in high school. Is that true? That's a real fact. Wow.

Bronze medal, huh? Was it on a thing like that? No, it was made out of metal. Was it on a thing like that? No, it was made out of metal. No, not the glitter part of your... Yeah, by the way, Joel, you made these. There's glitter all over my body. Joel, you made those?

That's so cool. I love the white guys have the Mexican making the crafts for them on the percussions. Joel Jimenez. If you look, Jeremiah's completely covering his underwear from this angle,

so it's really creepy seeing you just sitting naked. Yeah. Can you ever imagine what it would be like to be with me in a bathtub with a saxophone? You're welcome, everybody.

They love it. They love it. They love it. It sounds like they love it. Okay. You guys ready to start this shit or what? No mic yet, right? I'm going to bring out one half of your guests right now and the other half in a little bit. Disgusting.

Your first comedian who's going to sit here and be here with us all night is one of my favorite human beings. You know him from the hit show on Nickelodeon, Big Time Rush, and so many other very, very fun things. Put your hands together for the great Stephen Kramer Glickman. Yeah! Here he is.

Stephen Kramer Glickman. Hey there, buddy. How are you? Great. How are you? Very good. How are you? Welcome to the show.

You've been on it a few times. I have. I'm happy to be back. What's going on over there? What do you think of this? This is as per usual with these guys. Is that how you usually see them? I usually see Jeremiah in mostly the nude.

So these other guys is new to me, but I enjoy my Jeremiah in the nude. Hey, aren't you one of the main voices from that motion major picture film, Storks? That's true. Oh, yeah. He's got a new intro that I wasn't uh aware of yeah he's got some new credits tony look up yeah look it up i'm starring in a movie with andy sandberg and jennifer aniston comes out in four weeks called storks there you go how about them apples what's that a bigger ovation a bigger ovation than the big time rush credit that nobody listened to before? Wow.

Jesus, Jeremiah. You have the confidence that you're dressed right now or something like that. I beat Michael Phelps. In what? Anyway. So you get what's going on here. Pretty much anything can happen at any given point. Our second guest is your roast battle champion, Mike Lawrence.

He's on the way here and one of the funniest people in the world. Also been on Big Time Rush. Yeah, Big Time Rush. How is that? You guys still doing that? No, no, that's been canceled for four years. Are you serious? That's why I said look it up, Tony.

Jesus Christ, man. But your fans are starting to turn 18. Have you taken advantage of any of that young pussy yet? A little bit. Find yourself a big-time crush? There's a lot of them out there. Tony, people are in a big-time rush to switch channels. I love that. That's my boy Patty Reagan

coming up on the offense tonight, sir. Nailed it. I made so much money. What other shows have you been on? Oh, God. That's hilarious. The horse of truth on that one. What kind of money are we talking about?

Is Nickelodeon... Tens of dollars. Being on a Nickelodeon show sounds like so much fun. What was your favorite one growing up? Hey Dude. Hey Dude was a good one. Remember Zeke the Plumber?

Zeke the Plumber? That episode scared me. Jeremiah, where were you? Guts Guy? I'm just guessing by... No, actually I was like, was Pepper Ann on Nickelodeon? No.

Alright, well I wasn't allowed to watch Pepper Ann because the parents were divorced in that cartoon. Whoa! Holy shit, really? That's a real fact, everybody. A real Christian boy from Kansas City. That is amazing.

A cartoon. Because the parents were divorced. Wow. She had a single mom, and my parents were like, not in my house. That's incredible. I didn't watch cartoons. I was watching Kubrick films and the like. Jeez, even back then you were a hipster.

That's incredible. Little baby hipster. Just has a bottle of coffee. Come outside, Pat. No, 2001 A Space Odyssey is on for the next five hours. I can let it die. I just said it. Oh, I know.

Come on. Awesome. I don't know what just happened there, but it made me dizzy. So let's get into the show, guys. Over 40 comedians stacked all the way to the back of the wall signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds on this stage and then be on a live podcast talking with us immediately afterwards about anything in the world.

Normally I try to figure out more about them, other stuff that I could possibly find interesting about them. Such as if they yo-yo or play Rubik's. Yeah. Yeah. Or skydive. All big ones. So here's how it works.

I pull a name out of the bucket. They do 60 seconds. Comedians, if you're new, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Isn't that adorable? Wrap it up then. Earl, she's going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. Uh-oh. Okay.

There's a little mouse there at the end for some reason. The thing just crawled out of Jeremiah's leg hair. Snoop Doggy Dog. What? Snoop Dogg is here filling in for Mike Lawrence, if you're just listening to the audio. All right, he just pulled a name out of the bucket, and it says Kirsten Alberts. Thank you.

Video killed the radio star. Video killed the radio star. Winnie, winnie, winnie, winnie, winnie, winnie, winnie. Thank you. So I used to waitress at a breakfast joint, and we'd get a lot of uptight women that would come in and order their toast dry, and I immediately knew it was a euphemism for their vagina. But since I've waitressed, I always tip 20% now,

and I don't mind tipping well because for every dollar I tip, I steal one roll of toilet paper from the bathroom to make up for it. I saw a really great cover band last weekend. And say what you will about cover bands, but you've got to give them credit because they need it to buy a car to live in. I've come to accept that I'm just disgusting. I just am.

And I was in a doctor's office the other day, and he was giving me stitches on my back, and he goes, oops, I got some blood on your underwear. And I was like, no, that was already there. I've never seen Disney on ice, but honestly, what kind of parents would take their kids to see a dead body? That's very funny. Kirsten Alberts.

Fuck yeah. You've been on the show once before, right? Yeah. That's cool. What did we find out about you last time you were on the show? Anything crazy? I don't shower a lot.

Ah. Here we go. Kirsten Alberts. It's true. Your Twitter handle, which is the only other thing that people fill out, is Dirty Hippie Comic on the piece of paper. There you go. You got a shower cap. Thank you. I appreciate it. You probably should wash your hair.

I did today. I actually did shower today. You did? Wow. Even when you shower, you still seem a little dirty. It's because I've been wearing this shirt for three days. Is that true? Yeah. Wow.

What is that about being dirty that you like so much? It's not that I like it. I don't know. It's just... So funny. Nailed it. Oh my God.

Fucking flies. Points for Red Van. For you audio listeners, there are flies in the room. So Kirsten, how has this backfired for you in real life? Has there been any, have you ever noticed anybody noticing a smell? Yeah, her doctor has a point.

I always try to make sure that I don't smell bad. We know that you're probably trying. We get that part. But if any human, I feel like, and let's face it, you're here doing a show, three days in a shirt, so I can't imagine what you're doing if you're on vacation or something like that or normal, right? What's the question? You're pretty dirty.

Yeah. You look like an extra from Full House. Yeah, like the old episodes and you're, like, still waiting to see. I like that show. Take that as a compliment. You look like an Amish person,ish person rebelling against her parents. I feel like we might actually be onto something. Is that sort of true?

You have very Christian, normal, basic parents? They're still together, but they don't really like each other, but they won't divorce type of situation? It's a little bit like that, a little bit. A little bit. Not a ton. They're Republicans. Right. That was my next thing. They have money, right? Huh? They have a lot of situation? It's a little bit like that. A little bit. Not a ton. They're Republicans. Right.

That was my next thing. They have money, right? They have a lot of money? They're middle class. I didn't say that. No, they're not like loaded. I didn't want to say that they're rich. Who's the rich dirty girl on stage? Well, it's funny.

Yeah. It is funny. When I was in high school, we moved to this very Jewish suburb of Youngstown called Liberty, which is, like, all Jewish kids. But, like, the ones that were, and it was very rich, too. But the richest ones were always, their kids were always, like, the most hippie-ish ones. You know what I mean? They dress like shit. Very good. You hit the nail on the head. I'm Jewish, so I know.

Oh, you are? Fuck yeah. I still dress like shit. Yeah, exactly. It looks like you just wrapped yourself with newspaper before coming here. I didn't bring a shirt. This will work. What is this, the LA Times?

A nice bedspread will work. No, I know what you're talking about, Tony. Rich, trust-fund kids get their I didn't bring a shirt. This will work. What is this, the LA Times? Nice bedspread will work. Yeah. No, I know what you're talking about, Tony. Rich, trust fund kids get their dressing cues from the homeless. Well, yeah, I feel like it's sort of just usually a desperate attempt to. Full house reference. I mean, not usually, but when it is the case, they're trying to break away from the pack.

I'll show them. I'll do my own thing. Then they end up at a festival with 300 other thousand people who are also trying to do their own thing. And that's modern culture.

Kirsten, I see here that, again, your Twitter handle is at Dirty Hippie Comic. So what's so, like, hippie about you? See any good concerts lately or anything? What makes you a hippie?

I don't know. I always try to be a good person. You know? I don't know. I feel like sometimes people, they don't try to be good, and I always try to be a good person, regardless of how I feel.

I feel like this is your final part of some kind of hippie pageant that you're doing. At the end of the day, I just try to be a good person. Miss Delaware, everyone. The Lickman. Miss Smell-er-ware. Miss Smell-er-ware, everyone.

Even better. Even better. Oh, my goodness. Your material is really funny. Thank you. What else makes you a hippie? The blood on her underwear. That.

I don't know. I shop at Goodwill. Yeah! How did you guys both know to do that at the same time? Gross. Reagan and Watkins. Wow. Wow.

They just touched a lot of skin on that. That was fists, arms, and thighs. Kirsten. Hmm. Interesting. You said you're getting stitches on your back why the blood

in the back the stitches are still there but why did you have blood in the back of your underwear show me your stitches it's cause I have

a skin rash is that where the dick hit first gotta biopsy then what why do you have blood on the back of your underwear is why I was asking. Because when he was sewing it up, it dropped on the underwear.

All right, but you said it was already there, so never mind. It was a joke. Okay, okay. You seem to do this on purpose. So what psychologically makes you push males away? push males away. I just feel like, you know, if they like me enough, they'll push through it.

They'll push past all the flies. There you go. You're a yes-ander. I like that. Kirsten, what else is interesting about you? Anything else cool? Your material is hilarious. Whatever, that's great. You did really good. Other than that. Kirsten, what else is interesting about you? Anything else cool? Your material is hilarious. Thank you. Whatever, that's great. You did really good.

I used to be a drummer. Really? Yeah. Is that true? Do you know a couple licks? No, I'm not going to drum. Really? No. How about this?

Would you mind doing this? If I have Joel come up here and just tell one quick joke from the drums, will you just do a powerful rim shot when he hits his thing, just real quick for me? Fuck yeah, on the drums, Kirsten Alberts, with one joke, just

in it to win it, Joel Jimenez. I'm jealous of people that travel a lot. I haven't done a lot of traveling in my life but every morning I do pack my bags for the guilt trip my mom is about to take me on fuck yeah Joel Jimenez

Kirsten Alberts Kirsten thank you so much for going up first tonight Kirsten Alberts ladies and gentlemen there she goes she wound up red band so much for going up first tonight. Kirsten Alberts, ladies and gentlemen. There she goes. She wound up red band so much that he dropped the iPad.

She's on Twitter at DirtyHippieComic. Very fun set. Great jokes there. Very funny. All right. Fuck yeah. Fun times. Did you see Joel's dick?

There's a lot. Nobody looked. Fun times. Did you see Joel's dick? There's a lot. Nobody looked at Joel's... He had like a grapefruit-sized dick. Yeah, probably literally a grapefruit. I mean, he also had a grapefruit-outlined dick, I do believe. What is that, Joel? What do you have in there? My dick.

And what else? That's a lot of dick, you know. Oh, there he is. Snoop. Again. Okay, I always love it when somebody writes, like, extra stuff on the piece of paper, like, to let you like, to make it seem like if it's

picked before, like, if it's produced and it's not actually out of a bucket, they could help themselves. But I just pulled this random piece of paper out, and it says, well, you know what? Yeah, I'm just going to say it. Since you put it on the paper, you have to live with it. It says it's their birthday.

So with that said, it's their birthday. They want you to know that going in. Or they thought it would help them. Either way, here we go. It's Alexis Grossman. I quit my job today. Thank you. I worked at a medical marijuana clinic,

but it just got so depressing, you know? It was so hard seeing so many 20-year-olds with glaucoma. Just couldn't do it anymore. I have trouble dating, but my mom doesn't want me to focus so much on dating anymore. She said I'd find a real hobby. So I recently got really into nature or at least that's just what I tell the guys I stalk when they find me hiding in their bushes at 4 a.m. they're like Alexis come on do you not understand the concept of a restraining order um I saw on the news the other day this girl got arrested for

burning her boyfriend's house down can you believe that I'm just like oh my god I've never been on the news once my mom hates me she has a tendency to say things she doesn't mean when she gets mad at me like the other day she told me my brother was planned

and I was an accident it's rude right it's just crazy because we're we're twins thank you there you go Alexis Gross you did it yeah you did it happy birthday to you make me look bad before I even get up here I I made you look bad? Yeah. That's funny, because I don't remember writing birthday before your name. I'm pretty sure I pulled it out of a bucket and read it. Not only, now that you said that, by the way, I'm going to pile on a little bit.

Not only did she write birthday, there's two things here. It says name and Twitter. This way, you get a little promotion for being on the number one live podcast in the world. You get a little shout out. Right? Now, there's two lines specifically for those, but above the word

name, not only did you write the word birthday, but wait for it. Wait for it. There's a tiny little arrow pointing from the word birthday to her name. That's right. Tiny arrow loses points. If this was at midnight, you'd be in big trouble right now. Alexis, how long have you been doing stand-up? Two years in November. Wow. Where at? Phoenix. I just moved here in March. March. Is that true? Did you really quit your job

today or is that just something you say to get the audience's attention? Yeah. What do you really do for work? Uh, I don't have a job right now. I got fired. But it was, like, a different job. Oh, there's the mouse again. I don't know why, but it appears as though a mouse just walked into a live podcast. Uh, what was the job that you got fired from, and how long ago was that? Um, I've been fired for, like, five jobs since I've been out here, but my most... Wait, you just got...

For those of you that joined six seconds ago, she also said that she got here in March? Yeah. You've lost five jobs since March? Yeah. What the fuck? That's a job per month. What the fuck is happening with you? What the fuck?

How many of these were like, I feel like, what five jobs? Just list them off. Don't try to be funny. Just really, just tell the truth. I was a PA.

I worked at a preschool. I was a nanny. All right, now we're going to get to the shitty two jobs right here. The ones she doesn't even want to talk about, right? Oh, and the other two,

Grimes with Craigslist. No. Thank you. Man, they loved that one even more than I thought they would. What were the other two jobs? I think it was actually like three. Like just two other nanny jobs. What were you a PA on?

Like a Sean Fox teaching like teenage girls about science. How'd you get fired from that? I was really bad at my job yeah you can you can get into it a little bit more what exactly what parts were you bad at just like everything you could even i bet you could dig up a little more if you dig deep in that gullet ears i'll bet you anything you could really find an answer better than everything and everything um give an example of a part of the job where you're like, whoa, I think I might get fired.

I would come to work late like an hour every day. Wow. But like my dad's friend was like my boss so he couldn't fire me. Oh shit. But like he did.

Wow. Have you ever been a PA, Tony? It's the worst. Yeah, actually I was. I was a PA on Tony? It's the worst. Yeah, actually I was. I was a PA on the Pauly Shore movie. Holy shit. What the fuck was that called? Pauly Shore.

No, not Encino Man, sir. I don't know how old you think I am. Who's that young, brilliant seven-year-old PA on the set? I think I was younger than seven. Did you see the seven-year-old PA on the set. I think I was younger than seven. Did you see the seven-year-old PA lugging everything around for everybody? This guy was carrying two by fours. He had a cup of coffee for Mr. Shaw himself.

Who is that kid? One day he's going to grow up to be something special. Okay, thank you, Brian. That doesn't work when I'm murdering, all right? I was a PA on Chocolate News. Remember that show? Oh, I love that show.

By the looks of things, you were more into the chocolate than the news. Ian Edwards got me a job on it. It was David Alan Greer, and it was to get Obama elected the first time. And it was like a show, like promoting his election the first time. And it was like a show, like promoting his election the first time. And I got fired on my second day.

Ian got me the job, and I got fired on my second day because I was supposed to go out and buy sandwiches for everybody, and I ate two of them on the way back. Wow. That is not a joke. I got back, and they were like,

I did that, too. You did that, too? Well, my boss asked me to get him lunch and it took me like two hours and I was really hungry so I just ate his lunch. Wow, you're just really terrible. I mean, what we're finding out here

is that you're pretty much never going to survive in society. What happened when you were a babysitter? Did you kill the babies? Just molest the fuck out of them. I slept with my boss. I slept with my boss. I slept with my boss. What? You slept with your boss?

Is this true? Are you being serious? Is that true? Really? Tell us more. No, that's enough. Do you want to babysit my dog? Okay. Yes!

Yes! Unbelievable. Oh, shit. My God. Jeremiah also has a constellation of moles on his back. It's like Orion. I feel so bad for Joel Jimenez

right now, who just has to look up and find the Big Dipper on Jeremiah's... Anyway. Alexis, so you're a terrible employee. How are you surviving? What are you doing to survive? What's your story? I wish it wasn't my parents, but it is.

Right. What do they do? Whoa, another rich dirty girl. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, God. It's so true. I don't know what's happening.

They believe in your dreams. Your parents live in Phoenix? No. Where do they live? My mom lives in Chicago. My dad lives in San Antonio. What does your dad do? He books the arena that the Spurs play at.

Whoa. Do you think maybe we could get a little show called Kill Tony to do Spurs Arena? When did you know you were going to fuck your babysitter? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It just happens.

It was kind of like this wild story. Uh-huh. I started babysitting the baby, and then all of a sudden, he started kind of hanging around and showing some interest in me. And I was like, I've never felt this from an older man before.

Well, was he cute? Oh, yeah. Was it sort of like that, Alexis? Yes, exactly. Well, I mean, now we can't tell whether you're being sarcastic. No, I'm being very serious. No, this is my speaking voice. Holy shit, we found another one that Jeremiah does a better version of them.

We've also learned you can do this with Tam Pham. This is incredible. Wow, you found a new one. So there's Alexis Grossman, and then there's Alexis Grossman that'll actually answer the questions that I ask. No, I'm answering.

This is sort of fun. We'll keep playing this. I'll give you a shot, and then I'll let the other Alexis answer after you. All right? You ready? Okay, fair. Okay.

So, like, that first time that you hooked up with the babysitting dad, right? Yeah. Like, that very first time. Yeah. How did that actually go down? Like a porno? Give me the... Shh!

Yep, that's correct. Red Band just saved you on that one. Wow. Is that your full answer? I don't want him to rebuttal. No, this is very fun. This is a great new game, by the way. We did this last week.

We had a good segment, too. I can't remember which one that was. Oh, who are you? We might see more of that at some point. Okay. So, is that your full thing, like a porno? Yes. Okay.

All right. Now, here we go. Now I'm going to ask the other Alexis. Other Alexis. Alexis Grossman. It is your birthday, by the way. Congratulations on that. Thank you. Happy birthday, baby girl.

Second of all, that first time that you hooked up with the dad, how did that actually describe that for us? Well, it was kind of like a porno. Nailed it. Nailed it. Nailed it.

Looks like we got the actual answer on that one. Alright, back to the show. Round two. Alexis. Did the Did you ever come I'll ask you a yes or no first before I ask Okay. Did you ever come I'll ask you a yes or no first Before I ask

Did you ever know that Was there ever a point where the mom Sort of was like onto your shit He's a single dad Oh a single dad Okay this is very revealing Alright perfect Because I killed this wife

With that said, with that said, now that means, if I'm not mistaken, that if you and him are hooking up, the baby has to be there, because you're the babysitter. So how far away and how close? What's the closest the baby was to you guys and the farthest

away out of all the sexual experiences you had with this single dad? Thank you for the applause for my unbelievable question. How close was this baby to the action? Go ahead. The closest was like one room over and the furthest was at its mom's house. Whoa.

Damn. You weren't even babysitting. You were just there for the dick. That's a whole different thing. That's a date. It got more serious than babysitting. Alright. Is that your full answer? Anything else you want to tell us? No, that's good.

Alexis, number two. Same question. How close was the baby? What's the truth? How close was the baby? What's the truth? How close was the baby and what's the farthest the baby was away? Okay. So the farthest that the baby was away was actually on the floor in the bedroom. And we had that baby monitor on lock

just in case he was fuzzy in the bedroom. And we had that baby monitor unlocked. Just in case he was fuzzy and awoken from a nap. The closest I was actually doing reverse cowgirl while the baby was napping in my arms. Yay! Yay!

Oh my god. Jeremiah Watkins. Jeremiah Watkins. Jeremiah Watkins, boys and girls. Great job. All right, this is so embarrassing. You having fun, Alexis? So much. What is that?

It's terrible. You might want to figure out how to... It looks like her hands are trying to run away. Alexis, number two, are you having fun right now? I'm having the time of my life. I am so attracted to Stephen Kramer Glickman. He's about to make me big time blush. Wow.

Alexis, that joke was so bad, I almost want to fire you. Alexis number two. Good thing I'm a character bitch. Alexis, what else? Anything else? Do you live in the valley? Do you live on the valley side of things? Is that even a question?

That's unbelievable. It's unbelievable to me. Because I thought so, obviously. But you moved here in March. Did you grow up in Phoenix or no? Yeah. Essentially, I was born in Chicago and then I lived in Austin. But I grew up in Phoenix.

Moving here in March, you took on an entire Valley persona and got fired five times. Yeah, I, like, moved here, and I lived in Culver City when I first moved here, but then my roommate ended up hating me, so I had to leave. Why'd your roommate hate you? How is that a question? Ouch. I'm sorry. It's okay. Worst thing that your roommate complained about? I mean, biggest thing your roommate complained about? Hearing me when I'm sorry. It's okay. Worst thing that your roommate complained about?

I mean, biggest thing your roommate complained about? Hearing me when I had sex. Hearing you have sex? Yeah. Let's just say I'm very loud. Fuck yeah, Alexis. Well, it's nice to meet you. Yeah, so nice to meet you.

Is there anything you want to say? Like a moment of redemption or anything? I'll be in Denver Wow I'm pretty sure she's not even promoting a date I'm pretty sure she's just trying to fuck You know what I mean? I'm in Denver

If anybody, I mean you obviously know what I'm up to Where you're performing at Comedy Works? Comedy Works The Comedy Works, the 15th through the 18th and then I'll be at the LOL Comedy Club in San Antonio. Alright, you got the whole schedule there. Fuck yeah. San Antonio? What day?

Unless I get fired. The 28th through the 2nd. Well, find it all out. She's on Twitter at Alexis Gee. G. G. G-E-E? Is that right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's actually spelled U-H-H, Lexus. Uh, Lexus. Uh, Lexus. Like, you sort of know that you're like, you know, like, uh, like that, right? So you're, like, owning it there, right? My friends always say, like, uh, Lexus. Like, they roll their eyes. Tony.

Oh, everybody hates you at six. It seems like you might be, like, a genuinely terrible person. I mean, if you're a bad roommate and a horrible employee, that doesn't, like, I mean, it has to be, like, sort of like one or the other, you know what I mean? Tony, that's actually how you pronounce my name. It's actually Alexis. I love it. Well, it was nice to meet you.

It was so nice meeting you. Alexis is G. There she goes. She's on Twitter there. Glickman. Yeah, it was great. Fuck yeah. Hand was nice to meet you. It was so nice meeting you. Alexis is G. There she goes. She's on Twitter there. Glickman. Yeah, it was great. Fuck yeah, handshake. Really funny.

Happy birthday. Happy birthday to you, Alexis Grossman. Yeah, happy birthday. Fuck yeah. I had a weird night. There was a guy just in a Speedo and a saxophone making fun of me for like 10 minutes. And I was like, is this real life? That was unbelievable.

So fun. You never know who you're going to meet. You two friends? Do you guys both know each other? Yeah. Wow, that's incredible. Both of you pulled out of the bucket at the same time. How do you guys feel?

How do you know each other? Wow, this is so bizarre Will I pull out? Are we going to find out the friendships extend from that wall? Let's find out now Quinn Wright. Do I look like someone who's been crying all day? Because I have been.

My cat just had to be put down. My cat just had to be put down. You know, I thought he was the pussy, but I guess it's me. You know, when I was in high school, I was an odd child. Someone told the authorities I had a kill list. So the police searched my backpack. I didn't, but I get it. But, I... I mean, you think I look like a guy who's going to write that shit down?

Take the time to write that shit down? Like I'm not going to go through the... Fuck it, I... I mean, you think I look like a guy who's gonna write that shit down? Take the time to write that shit down? Like I'm not gonna go through the... Fuck it, I'm bombed. What do you mean? You're the funniest person all night. Keep going, Quinn. Like I'm not going through the halls with an AR-15 going... Fuck. Like I'm not going through the halls with an AR-15 just triple-tapping, I'm not going through the halls with an AR-15

just triple-tapping everything I see. Oh, you didn't make fun of me. I'm just gonna kneecap you. Nah, that's not how it goes. Wow, I love you. Is this your first time on the show? Second time, actually. Really? Yeah,

I was with, uh, I had the camera bag then. You had the camera? Yeah, the Vietnam War vet jacket. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I do remember that. Now, obviously, you've gotten something from the Bill Cosby collection.

Yes. There you go. Actual Cosby theme song for you. Jesus. That is really something else. What is that exactly? It's Liberian. My cousin got it from Liberia. I used to work as a Liberian.

You got fired from that job? Oh my god. Do you have other things? Does your cousin supply you? Do you guys have the same cousin that gives you guys shirts, by the way? Yeah. We're both in the fat production of hair later this week. It's a musical theater reference.

I hope you meet a really nice black autistic girl with an afro to get together and make some interracial babies. I'm assuming you've watched the Ding Dong Show? No. Oh, because you're part of the Ding Dong Show. I am part of the Ding Dong Show.

How long have you been doing that? Since April, I believe. Very cool. How old are you? 25. Very fun. How many schools have you are you? 25. Very fun. How many schools have you shot up? Not a single one. You know what I hear right now?

I hear your roast battle champion and one of my funniest friends, Mike Lawrence, ladies and gentlemen, sneaking in. Fuck yeah. There he is. Why is he wearing Aladdin's magic carpet? And we're off and running.

That's a great cultural appropriation costume. Nice one, blob barley. Yeah. Boom. That's why he's the fucking roast battle champion right there. No women, some cry. Alright. Oh my god.

Who the fuck is that? My cousin gave it to me. That's what Akeem wore in like 1989 on WWF. It is. Thank you. Good one. So Quentin, he was actually pretty funny, Mike. Thank you.

You have like a funny accidental delivery type of thing going on. So did his mom. Mike Lawrence coming in six for six on the books right now in 23 seconds. Five for six. The Akeem one bombed. I know what I am. No, it was good. Very good.

I just completely lost it. You're complimenting him. That's why you forgot it. How long have you been on stand-up? Since April. The last time I was on the show was the second time I was on stage. Wow, you seem a lot more comfortable. You have a very funny accidental delivery. Did you mean to get

that big laugh at that one part? Well, I'd hoped, but, you know, it was kind of accidental. That's interesting. The crying bit was very funny. What do you do for work, Quinn? I am a photographer. Josh, another drink, whiskey ginger.

How's it feel to judge yourself 10 years in the past? Yeah, it's right on. Quinn, what do you do for work? I'm a photographer, as I said. You do that for a living? It's a supplemental job. What else is supplementing you? A lot of gifts from your librarian cousins?

Wait, this is only your second time doing stand-up? No, no, the first time I was here, this is the third. Oh, okay. Dude, you gotta be more like your stomach and put yourself out there. Goddamn. Everyone has a head. So... That is incredible. How often

do you wear that thing? This is probably the second time I've worn it in like a month. Have you ever done anything like five times? One, two, one. Does anyone get it? No one gets the joke? Yeah, I totally get it and it was right on par.

Yeah. What else are you into, Quinn? What are some hobbies and stuff? Mainly photography, as I've said, and film. How many times does he have to tell you, Tony? He's into photography! Come on, Tony! Listen to me! I edit.

I do a lot of the entertainment business. What are you taking pictures of mostly? Fashion stuff lately. Other than women in their bedroom windows. I think you made that exact same joke last time. Well, I probably did. What does that tell you about yourself,

Quinn Wright? That I'm uninterested. Unforgettable. Unforgettable. No, and forgettable. Okie dokie. Don't forget that shirt. Maybe, yeah. Thank you. I have nothing for that one.

Your actual answer was women's fashion? Sometimes. I worked for a company called Vandals Clothing. Why do you always seem like you're about to yell the last word in every sentence? Very terrifying. I work in women's clothing. The terrors, they come at night. I've never seen a 25-year-old look like they have Vietnam flashbacks

every time they close their eyes. You creepy. You look like the one person that enjoyed Suicide Squad. I fucking knew that would come up. I actually really did. I know you did. I'm a huge Ayer fan, though. You really did?

That is so funny. Mainly because of their director. I'm a big fan of David Ayer. Wow. Mike Lawrence is so talented that not only was it funny, but he also nailed the truth on that. Yeah. I thought it was fun, that's all. It wasn't great, but it was fun.

That's all I expected. I didn't expect great work. He's like, if I ever fuck a woman, I hope she's like Harley Quinn. You have a knife in your pocket. I do? Yeah, I think so. What did I bring? Jesus Christ.

Suicide Squad was great. No, it's just I go home late. I always knew I'd die at an open mic. I just didn't know I'd be murdered by an open mic. Really? You didn't think that's that true? Kill Tony. In a Liberian dashiki. Snap him and I think Mexican candy falls out.

I guess I have the knife because I stay for the Ding Dong Show because I'm a part of that, and it gets out pretty late. And it gets out late, so you carry a knife on you because what are you saying? In case I get into trouble. I've never had to use it, and I hope I don't get into a knife fight, but, you know, there's always that possibility. A knife fight. Dude, you might want to change your shirt. It's for self-defense, Tony. In all those knife fights that happen.

So you're saying you don't want to get into a knife fight, so you're assuming that at some point some guy's going to come up to you with a knife? No, don't worry. They'll just look at your shirt and get epilepsy. Holy shit. No, I mainly just forgot I had it. Have you ever been in a knife fight?

No. Have you ever been in a fight? I don't think so, no. You don't think so? No. If at all, it was once in middle school, and I lost really easily. He just struggles with his pants and depression. Basically.

That's basically it. Quinn, so that's interesting. When was the last time you had to use your knife? On set, I had to cut something once. How about off set? I had to cut something once. What was her name? Was the thing that you cut the tension you create whenever you're on stage? Holy shit. Mike Lawrence coming a hit. Holy shit.

Mike Lawrence coming in hot. Every one of these ones is a hit. Love this guy. Wait, wait, wait. Every one of what? Every one of his jokes hits. It's the bee's knees. Every single one of them.

I thought he was saying something else. Quinn, what is your love life like? Well, I'm a 25-year-old virgin. Never had a date. That's all from women who are also like, but I'm not going to be the one who changes. Fuck you! I used to be this guy!

Fuck you and your fucking Miller Boyette oohs and aahs at this fucking motherfucker. Unless you're going to fucking ride the fucking wave. Unless you're going to carry the fucking bobsled to the finish line. Don't you fucking give him false sympathy. You know what, Quinn? I'm going to tell you the truth. You're a 25-year-old virgin.

Yes. If I told you that I think that I might actually know a young lady that might want to go on a date with you, would you be interested? I'd be skeptical at first. Fair.

Aw, it's his own. I'm just going to ask her right now. Alexis number two. It's like... You act like a guy who's just happy when there's a door-to-door salesman. Like, finally, someone I could call friends. Oh, Jesus.

You're so weird. You're begging for that knife right now, buddy. Every time we give you hope it's like you need to destroy it yeah I'm good at that have you ever gotten close to losing your virginity nope that was too fast you are so honest

you're brutally honest you're unbelievable at answering questions there's no time that goes by whatsoever. That's insane. What's the closest you've come? Kiss a girl sometime? Well, once with the Ding Dong Show, a girl kissed me on stage once. That's it.

You said once? Twice. Twice. That's how hard of a once that definitely was. Yep. It was a fun thing she did on stage. It's a thing he's been thinking about every night he goes to sleep. Is that true?

No. Is that when you masturbate, right before bed? No, just Don brings it up a lot. Don. Oh, yeah. Gotcha. Yeah. How about other than that?

Other than being kissed on a stage? Nope. Nothing else.cha. Yeah. How about other than that? Other than being kissed on a stage? Nope, nothing else. Really? Yeah. I feel like you're bullshitting to get laid tonight. No, I'm not. One time, it was a very windy day, and the breeze brushed past my balls,

and I was like, whoa, whoa, boy. And that's when I realized Mother Nature was a beautiful woman. And the only one that has ever touched me. What else, Quentin? Tell us more. Quentin, do you have Asperger's? Yes. Yeah, that would be one of the first things that would be great. Well, I'm sorry.

You really fucked up Asperger's Boy. Well, I did tell you last time. It got weird in here for a second. Super weird. Maybe it's due to the fact where you called him Asperger's Boy. Listen here, Asperger's Boy. You've come around here too many times.

We don't like your kind around here, Asperger's Boy. Walk yourself around here, Asperger's Boy. Your mouth off again. Use that knife again. That's exactly the laugh that I was expecting to get when I said Asperger's boy the first time, but I guess

you guys need it a little bit slower and repeat it a few times, huh? Fuck you. I think, you know, despite your Al Borland on home improvement charisma, I feel like you could fight. Dude, I lost my virginity at the age of 23. I'm fucking married now, man.

And I look like your ass burgers, okay? Yeah. You'll be all right. Thanks, Mike. Fuck yeah. You're totally going to be all right. It gets better, man. You got this. Yeah. Big bounce. Fuck yeah, you're totally gonna be alright It gets better, man You got this

Yeah Big bounce Fuck yeah Quinn Quinn, you're a very funny guy For this being your third time on stage It's actually quite incredible You're entertaining as hell

Thank you, Tony You're so brutally honest. I feel like, you know, it's that part of your thing, like it just all comes out, huh? Normally, people on the autism spectrum disorder spectrum, they tend to be brutally honest. Do you say a lot of things that you end up regretting?

Yeah. Hey, Quinn, what do you think about Tony Hinchcliffe right now? Oh, jeez, come on. Whoa, why'd you have to go to Jeremiah voice for that? Hello, it's me, actual Jeremiah, making a guest appearance. I'd say he's one of the funniest people in the room, which is true, but there's so many to choose from.

Oh, you son of a bitch. Oh, my God. He's a straight shooter. Straight shooter. So thanks for agreeing with that. So funny. No, I agree with you as well. Well, I also appreciate that you're wearing the spectrum that you're on.

Oh, my God. That is incredible. Oh, wow. Do you only have one shirt like that? Yes, this is my only Liberian shirt. I said Libian, but Liberian. Doesn't it sound like Kermit the Frog on a first date? I got this shirt for my friend.

Why aren't there so many girls that won't fuck me? Do you play Poke Bongo? Off and on, not much. Why not? I just kind of have lost it. I mean, it's starting to renew my interest, but I gave up Pokemon a little while ago. Yeah, I just got bored.

I'm a Snorlax on the streets, and someday I'll be in the sheets. Quinn, it was nice to meet you you we're going to get through another person there he goes he's on Twitter right on target W-R-I-G-H-T right on target

member of the ding dong show that was sweet man that put the aww in mild autism. There has been an autistic uprising here at the store lately. They almost have their own,

like, there's like a big... For shizzle-dizzle? A lot of autistic people. All right. This looks like a new name. That always makes me happy. Put your hands together for Darrell Davey.

That's right. I slap hands with my homies. I don't play games. I'm from the streets. From the motherfucking suburbs, bitch. From a place called Santa Clarita. Me and my friends, we call it Santa Clatoris. Why?

Because it's a town that should be fucked hard in the ass so we can put some life into it. It's boring. It's like that movie Pleasantville with Tobey Maguire and Reese Witherspoon. It's black and white. Everybody cuts their grass, waters their flowers, walks their dog. Everybody's celibate. Nobody fucks. It upsets me. And my friends call me an Oreo all the time. And I said, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. But one time I had a dream that Morgan Freeman called me an Oreo, so I guess that's true now. When Morgan Freeman calls you something, that's what you are. When you play God more than once in a movie,

that's what you're going to do. One thing I wanted to say was that Donald Sterling didn't want to see black people at basketball games. He's a racist. Him saying he doesn't want to see black people at basketball games is like me saying I don't want to see white people at Starbucks I don't drink coffee ever If you come to Starbucks, it's only for me and my niggas

You can only have water and pastries if you're a white person And how do you know what a white person goes through, Darrell? Because I'm half white I know that white people crave coffee every 3.5 seconds There you go, Darrell Davey Fuck yeah That was like a motivational speech Darrell Davey. Fuck yeah. That was like a motivational speech with no motivation.

And no punchline. It was like a one-man show that no one went to. That was like if Wayne Brady was on an episode of Who's Line and the suggestion was stand-up comedy. was on an episode of Who's Line and the suggestion was stand-up comedy. That was like...

That was like if Michael Winslow from Police Academy didn't do sound effects. But his set still went... I feel like we should be snapping after that set. That's amazing. Darrell. Darrell?

Darrell. Talking to the mic, Darrell. What's up, man? How long have you been on stand-up? Well, I've been doing stand-up from my mind to my heart. Yeah. I don't know where the voices are coming from. There's so many guys on stage.

I've never seen someone whose T-shirt is a sedative. Two years. Two years. Two years? I started at Flappers in Burbank. Oh, yeah. We could tell. Ha!

I love you, man. You've been going hard at it? Like, you've really been doing it for two years? No. I was dabbling. I was dabbling. I was dabbling. I was dabbling.

Yeah, I wasn't going hard. Started at the bottom. Yeah. No, I wasn't going hard. Started at the bottom. Yeah. No, I wasn't going hard. Maybe more so recently. And then I went to HaHa and I did like six shows at Ice House. I'm telling you all the places where I went so you guys can prove that I suck. So don't look up any of my videos, you guys, because obviously.

You have videos up? Yeah, videos, yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. And even just bombed on a podcast. What do you do for work? I sell drugs Fuck yeah Wow, I've never gotten that answer before

I'm from the streets man You sell drugs but you have a WWJD bracelet on? He has a WWJD bracelet on Is that true? I didn't know there was something more outdated than his stage presence. I love that blob Marley line. That was funny as fuck, man. Good shit.

Good shit. Do you, what drugs do you sell? No, I was kidding, man. I work at a restaurant and fucking, I'm a white guy, dude. And what else do I do? Don't beat yourself up, man. What restaurant do you work at? Larson's Steakhouse. You really put the dole in dolezal. I do? Don't beat yourself up. What restaurant do you work at? Larson's Steakhouse.

You really put the dole in dolezal. I do. My name starts with a D, Darrell. Right now, what I want you to do is take a deep breath and relax for one second. It's not that bad. It's okay. Just relax. That's it.

I mean, your set was terrible. However, if you just... Hey, Tony, you made me nervous, man. I was watching you. Just think of simpler, happier times 25 years ago when you were the host of Nick Arcade. You know? Nick Arcade?

I think, you know, I think we're a good group, you guys. You know, we balance each other. There's balls on our heads because there's a lot of guys in here. Fuck yeah. Man. None of my jokes are working, man. I think I'm nervous in front of you, man.

Probably. You know what I mean? Because I was like watching your Netflix special trying to write jokes and shit. We can tell by your t-shirt. What the fuck is wrong with this? All right, whatever. What the fuck is wrong with this room? All my jokes aren't working in here.

Fuck that. Ever since you became the new Stormtrooper in the Star Wars movie. Oh, Jesus. You've had this new swagger. Hey, this guy right here knows that I'm fucking funny. The black guy in the back. You're calling this guy into the back of the bus. I love it.

This black guy over here knows I'm funny. Ask the black guy. Hey, black guy. Is this me? Guys, we have to support him, okay? Hack lives matter. Hack lives matter. I want to know, which one's the black guy that'll defend you?

Ashoka. My boy, Ashoka. For our podcast, there are black guys scattering in the background. What's really happening is even funnier because the black friend that he pointed out is pointing to the other black guy. 65% of Americans will at some point suck a dick, but 65% of Americans still don't eat the brown part of a banana. What does that tell you?

Sex is more important than nutrition. 100% of the people in the red t-shirt suck a dick on stage tonight. White cops are watching you die on stage and being like, I had nothing to do with this one. Alright. My shirt says chill because it doesn't say Netflix and chill because I don't want to watch

Netflix. That's for white people. I just want to chill. I can't tell whether I can't figure out where want to watch Netflix. That's for white people. I just want to chill. I can't figure out where you are. How is Netflix only for white people? Everyone loves streaming services. Black hats. I don't understand black people. They don't eat food. Black people are obese.

Are you just going into material right now? Trying to save it? Trying to dig it up? Just segue into it? I'm trying to test this audience because I feel like a fucker. You should have come up in a military uniform and been like, my character is General Aladiz. That is all you're speaking in.

They don't even make sense. General Aladiz. In a black person's house. You've taken your entire stand-up persona from the it must be Raining Black People line in the beginning of Men in Black. Wow, that's a deep reference. You reference a lot of movies

that anyone who's born in the year 2000 or after doesn't know. You're talking about a lot of old movies. Darrell, stop trying to keep up with us. Just keep breathing. Just keep breathing. Are you performing in other places? Like, are you going to bars and performing in, like, bars and places like that?

Dude, you can't be performing just – I'm sorry to take it serious for a second, but you can't just perform at flappers and, like, shitty comedy clubs like the Ha Ha. Like, sorry for the Ha Ha, but fuck that place. What you have to do is you got to go to shithole bars that suck where people are talking over you and that's how you get really fucking good. And then you come here and you fucking crush. That's how it works. Because if you're performing at like happy-go-lucky

suck-a-fucking-dick flappers clubs, it's not gonna fucking work, man. It's gonna be hard. It's gonna be a lot harder. It's gonna be a lot harder to get good if you're performing at a place like flappers. Makes sense. But it's also, it's like, I mean, the main thing, like, culturally, like, on stage, you're so inconsistent with what you are. Like, all this, this is what black people do.

I feel white. I feel this. None of it makes any sense. That's right. It's like you walked out of an old Navy commercial. It's like you're acting like Urkel, but you don't even have the dignity to wear your suspenders properly. Yeah, you have suspenders on that you're

not wearing. Did you have those up earlier? I'm ghetto fabulous, man. I do everything backwards. Those are handles. Like black people, everything's opposite, you know? Have you had the suspenders again? See? See? Can you do some more of those? What the fuck are you talking about? That's true. I love how earlier he's like, that black guy in the back got my back.

And now he keeps making all these quasi-racist remarks. And now all the black guys are like, nobody has your back back here now, man. Well, to be fair, the black guy in the back is LeVar Burton. Brian, come on. That's not the right music for this moment. But even if it's like, I'm from the streets. No, I'm from the suburbs. It's like Harvey Dent is doing a stand-up show.

It's rainbow. That's true. Hello. Darrell, tell us something interesting. How's your dating life? What's that like? One second you love white women, the next you hate them because they're the worst. Huh.

I don't know, man. All they do is they watch the Netflix and drive their way to Prius. Oh, wow, worst. Huh. I don't know, man. All they do is they watch the Netflix and, you know, drive their Toyota Prius. Oh, wow, man. That's got to be funny, man. What are some more premises that you have? I want to hear some more of these generalities. These are incredible.

You want to hear some more stuff? Rappers call everything their bitch. Their car. Wow. I mean, if I sat here for ten minutes trying to think of the most general generality, I don't think I'd be able to think of one in general. That's very impressive. That was on a Kinnison spit.

Wait, were you on tone-deaf comedy jam? Probably. Probably. You said, what's my dating life like? I don't know, man. It's kind of like, you know, I'm kind of just hustling, man. I don't really date, man. I'm like Riff Raff, the rapper, man.

I just, you know what I mean? No. I know. Nobody knows what you mean. You can tell by the silence and the lack of reaction. Not how about you man how about you what's your day in life like man thank you thank you thank you daryl uh what uh you're not you don't want to answer questions uh yeah i am i'm answering well there's a ruckus in the back whoa geez um there's a there's a bunch of black guys forming a mob They're all wearing

blue t-shirts I don't know what that means Dude, the only thing that would make this worse if he was wearing the Asperger's guy shirt Ha Ha Yeah, for real though I'll answer

There's not much to say though I don't really go on that many dates. You know what I mean? Last one you went on, what was that like? Today. It was at Lucille's Barbecue. I don't go on that many dates. I went on a date today.

Are you really from Santa Clarita? Absolutely. Did you show up in that shirt and was like, I don't like Netflix? And then she's like, wait, you're just trying to fuck me? That was a good one. I usually wear my Harvard Law shirt. Everybody thinks i'm from harvard because i wear that shit okay well that taps right into your problem which is authenticity

you need like the audience you i mean you might you're how old are you huh 25 25 okay so i mean like all of us we're still figuring out who we are but you on stage have a real problem with authenticity we're not a word that comes out of your mouth rings true. And right now you're being attacked and it's a fucking hard position so you go into survival mode. Your defenses come up. A wall comes up. Pat's sort of doing it right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It has to feel to know that a shirtless man in goggles is narrating your failure. Yeah. A shirtless man in goggles with a really big dick. But, yeah. Jesus Christ. That's.

Yeah. You feel that, right? Yeah. I see that and I've heard that before. Where one time I did my Mr. Clean joke and he said, why the fuck would you say your Mr. Clean joke? Because that doesn't have anything to do with anything. We don't know anything about you.

I said, Mr. Clean's a fag. And I think it would be funny if he went to the Home Depot and they kicked him out and they sent him to the homeless. Wait, so is you being a homophobe your authenticity? What the fuck? No, well, I mean – My true voice is – That was the first time I was like, I think I know who he is as a person.

Where – Darrell, I mean, you notice that like you're sort of – I mean, I'm just keeping it real here. Yeah. You notice that you're sort of struggling to connect with this audience, right? That's right, yeah. Everything I say is fake. That's part of why – I don't do real stories. I do made-up shit. You notice that you're sort of struggling to connect with this audience. Everything I say is fake. That's part of why. I don't do real stories. I do made up shit.

You've got to get real. When you're from a place like Santa Clarita. I grew up in San Diego. San Diego is fucking boring as shit. Everybody is surfing. I stood out like a sore thumb. I'm not at all like that. I feel like you may have stood out a little bit in Santa Clarita.

A little bit. If you did, you've got to pull from that shit and make it real because you've got to connect with the room. You've got to connect with people. Quinn Wright, who was on before you, was a school shooter in a dashiki. And every single time I asked him a question in three words or less he got a huge laugh because he has a disorder

that makes him answer things honestly. You should hang out with him. That's what's amazing. That guy stole his culture and then in return you stole that guy's Asperger's. You're good, man. You got skills, man.

You're all even now. This is what I'll say. What's up? When people start comedy, they often pretend to be what they wish they were to everyone else. And they fail horribly. But once they allow themselves

to be seen as the person that they see themselves as, that's when the real comedy comes out. I remember when I started in Florida, I did just shitty, shock, rape and age jokes. And then when I moved to New York, I would bomb on stage, but I would just do well telling people the shitty Florida stories in my life. And then I realized that's what I needed to do on stage. Pat had a great point about authenticity. Find

the real you. Focus on that and that's what people may like about you and if that doesn't work you're just an empty sociopath who feels nothing. That was good man. That was good shit man. What do you do for money? I work in a restaurant. That's a good

shit man. That's good. You're just saying that to pander. And you're saying that because you're afraid. And silence sometimes can be your friend. You didn't need to say anything. The good news is this, Daryl. It seems like you're the type of guy that makes people want to help him. Even though, you know what I mean? We all just gave you Jedi-level advice that you absolutely needed to hear.

And it's up to you to sort of take and run with it. But like trying sucks. And just like being like Quinn Wright was doing, you know, that's. It feels like you spent a lot of time today deciding what you were going to wear. But you didn't spend any time deciding what you were going to say on stage. You know what? Let's try this. I agree with that completely. Let's try this. Let's go through

and let's do a test and you just answer everything completely honestly without trying to be funny at all. Ready? Yes. This date today that you went on, how'd you meet this girl? Have you been out with her before? Was it like a hookup? No. I knew her from college. She's like, I was in love with her or whatever and um

and uh no i mean she has a boyfriend she's been out of boy she's she's beautiful she's indian she's gorgeous um and she's from fresno so she goes to fresno state and um and i'm in this first time i've seen her in like four years yeah i haven't seen her in like four years. So where'd you meet her at? Lucille's Barbecue. It's across from where I work sometimes, Larson's Steakhouse. I don't really work at that one, but I work at the one in Valencia. You know what I mean? The one that I was at was Woodland Hills.

But anyway, it was kind of a quick date. She drove back to Fresno after our date or whatever. Wow, you made her drive to Fresno after a date? She's from Fresno. She was visiting here. Gotcha. She lives in Fresno. What happened?

What was your interactions like? I don't really need the GPS coordinates of where you work. It's kind of like a movie, man. It was kind of like, because I haven't seen her in forever. You know? Why? Because this is going to take an hour and a half? No.

Ah! Hey, because what I do is like I'll just throw myself out there because I'm not afraid of anything. I talk around questions sometimes.

We can tell. And you guys are good. It was like a movie because she looks the exact same as the last time I saw her. I hope that backhanded

compliment is your catchphrase. You know what I mean? Because if you haven't seen somebody in a long time and then they look the exact same. Were you hoping that maybe you guys would have like a kiss or a hookup or something like that? Of course. Of course. Compliment is your catchphrase. You know what I mean? Because if you haven't seen somebody in a long time, and then they look the exact same.

Were you hoping that maybe you guys would have a kiss or a hookup or something like that? Of course. Of course. I'm still in love with him. What was the point of the barbecue dinner where you realized, shit, she's probably just going to drive to Fresno after this? I knew that before. I mean, I'm a pretty smart guy. At what point did you realize that you weren't going to get a kiss out of it?

I got a kiss, but not like a lips kiss. You know what I mean? Ooh, what kind of kiss was it? An ear nibble? You heard that sound. You know what that means. Right here, man. Oh, I guess we can't mimic

that sound that happened before. It's a different sound. You heard a sound that sounded something like that. You know what that means. Yeah. But on the cheek, yeah, on the cheek.

Wow, so there it is. Yeah, she's cool, man. I mean, again, like I said, I haven't been known that I probably don't have a chance with this chick for a while. I'm cool. You know what I mean? And of course, I'm a guy, so I over-exaggerate. I'm like, yeah, I get these bitches.

Any other hobbies? I got these bitches. Okay, now we know why you're not going to be with somebody. No, but- It is crazy. I'm kidding. I'm joking. We let you go more than a second, and the real hate comes out.

What the fuck? I was joking. I said rappers call- I used kidding. I'm joking. We let you go more than a second, and the real hate comes out. What the fuck? I was joking. I said rappers call... I used the word bitch fun casually. It's called a callback, Mike Lawrence. We let him go for more than two seconds, and it becomes a Reddit forum. Oh, yeah. I can't say that.

I'm not going to say that. Never mind. What were you going to say? I was going to say how quickly... I love how quickly, I love how you quickly came up with the blob Marley. Did you get better at insults as time went on? Because I feel like I'm better at insults now than when I was in middle school.

Because I was usually like... Silence is your friend. Darrell. Darrell. Yeah. Darrell, you just complimented the same joke that happened earlier to Mike twice. I did.

Let's talk about you for a second. One more question. It's called a callback. That's true. That's not a callback. It's comedy. Better. But another thing, you know.

Yeah. You're like trying to host it, but it's not working out for you. That's right. That's true. Name another hobby fucking anything about you. Basketball. I played basketball before I was an actor and before comedy. So I always loved basketball.

You're an interesting dude. There's something deep inside that you're not talking about. I feel like you're like the Black Dexter or something like that. Well, I mean, that's a hobby that I have. There's definitely some fucking shit going on with you, dude. And you're not saying anything about it. Something that I like to do. Basketball is pretty much my whole life.

What do you think this is, like aney audition or something no seriously i really love the basketball no seriously though seriously i used to walk around with the basketball everywhere i fucking go i was like that kid with the basketball i fucking love basketball i really fucking love this basketball i'm hooked on a drug it's called basketball That's fucking basketball I love it when they dribble I love it when they dunk I love it when they pick and roll The NBA is full of hunks Wow.

Reagan and Watkins. That's amazing. In the words of Jarrell, that was good, man. That was amazing. In the words of Jarrell, that was good, man. That was good. Now, did you know that you guys would get better at playing music as you did it longer and longer? Like, the more you did it, did you find yourself ever getting better at it?

Is that how music works? Or did you just, like, pick up the saxophone and just, you know, know those two songs that you've learned? Do you love that guitar so much that you walk around everywhere with it? That's good, man. That's a good show. You know what?

Maybe this is your thing. Maybe you are Darrell the Complimenter. Maybe this is your voice. Maybe there's something in that. Who else do you love? What else do you find amazing? My mom, my dad, my brother. I love those guys.

Jesus. Other than amazing, what do I find? Music. Also, I miss my Uncle Charles, y'all. What do I find amazing, though? Music, man. Definitely music. I love rap. You sound like the kind of person that every other part of the day you have a Bluetooth in. What do I find amazing, though? Music, man. Definitely music. Like, rap. Because, like, I love rap.

You sound like the kind of person that every other part of the day you have a Bluetooth in, but no one ever calls you. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a creepy laugh. That was an intense laugh. He went real weird with that. You went, like, full Drescher on me.

It was fucking scary. You love rap. I love rap, yeah. Rap and music. You love rap. You love basketball. Rap and music. You love rap. You love basketball. You called out a black guy in the back of the room to defend you. It's my nigga.

Wow. All right. You just did that. That goes on this list that I'm building. I mean, I haven't even said what this list is. I can say that because I'm black. I can say the N-word. Black people get uncomfortable when I say the N-word.

I've never let a white guy say the N-word on this show before, but there you go. Darrell, nailing it. Well, you know I like rap, basketball, long walks through the prison yard. All right. His name does sound like what a racist white person would think a black person's name is.

All these fucking Darrells taking our jobs. There you go. Darrell Davey, ladies and gentlemen. We've got to move on. Darrell M. Davey. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah, Darrell Davey. Sometimes black don't crack because it feels nothing at all inside. I would love to know.

I mean, like, Darrell, please come back sometime. I literally have, like, a hundred more questions for you. I really ran late, super late on having you, but I wish I could have gone longer. Like, it's really unbelievable. I feel like if I had another half hour with you, but I wish I could have gone longer. It's really unbelievable. I feel like if I had another half hour with you, we would end up finding the bodies that you've buried.

Already be at that part where you're confessing. You never thought you were going to confess what you did with the actual corpses. His talent is running on colored people time. All right. We have a regular is running on colored people time. Alright. We have a regular that does a brand new minute every single week. You think getting

pulled out of the bucket is crazy? People get to go with any amount of material that they have. This person's the only person that writes and performs a brand new minute every single week and puts it on the internet. Put your hands together for Vanessa Johnston. Hi guys.

Did you know that if a Muslim woman gets raped in a Muslim country, it's considered her fault? Clap if you knew that. Clap. Clap for rape. Keep it going. They say it's the woman's fault because she used her sexiness and vixen wizardry

to seduce the man, which is crazy. That's why they wear those outfits, because they're wizards. That's why you're supposed to laugh. And I had no idea. I had no idea,

but that's why I'll never go to the Middle East, because I can't compete with magical pussy. That's the end. Fuck yeah. 55 seconds. Fuck yeah. So at one point I started daydreaming because the beginning confused me so much.

And then when I came back from the daydream, you were saying, fuck, that's where you're supposed to laugh or something like that. So I don't know if we all did it all at once, but how'd you get from Muslim women getting raped to a wizard again? Oh, the outfits they wear. They're literally supposed to dress like a wizard? That they're wizards. No, I was just making fun of the fact that they say the woman seduced,

they act as if the woman used magical powers to make them rape her. Is that true? What do they actually... It's true. Wait, they say that in a court? The joke should still be tally-banned, but it is true. Oh, shit! Wow.

My God, Mike. Does that work over there in their court system? Wizardry? No, but that's part of their culture. And they just say the woman, she seduced the man. So women, a lot of times, women in Muslim countries actually get stoned to death if they get raped if the man's married. They OD on marijuana. I mean, you know. marijuana. I mean, you know.

The only... The reason why I'm laughing so hard is because I almost made that joke, and I'm so glad I didn't. And you just went and did it. Like, eh, I shouldn't. I'm like, fuck, episode 170. I've never made a stupid stone-to-death hack joke. Might as well float it out there, and then, boom, you beat me to it. I love that. That joke's, fuck, episode 170. I've never made a stupid stone-to-death hack joke. Might as well float it out there and then, boom,

you beat me to it. That joke's a real clit splitter. Oh, you were on board for all the black stuff but now you're not with the clit stuff? Get on board, you animals! I'm trying to figure out, I'm just trying to ask because I'm trying to figure out I'm just trying to ask because I'm trying to figure out what is the

meat and potatoes of that bit I did like the clapper rape with your sort of I feel like you have a superior type of the first or second the valley girl that we saw but like superior delivery but when you say things like yeah clapper rape

it sort of killed in a weird way in this room. That's the thing about research. If you're going to do a joke about another culture, you can't just say those outfits. You should know what the names of the outfits are. The second element to research

is then development. We've got to wrap it up. We went long with everybody tonight. We didn't get that many people up. Vanessa Johnston, everybody. There she goes. She's on Twitter, Vanessa Johnston. The drawing from Ryan J. From Ryan J. E. Belt.

He's on Twitter, ryanjebelt.com. His artwork, the Kill Tony poster, and so many other cool things at ryanjebelt.com. Whoa, look, it's an all-villains one. I'm the Joker. I'm the Joker. I'm the Penguin. Mike's the Riddler. He's the Penguin.

And Brian's Catwoman. What's this? Look at that tits on me. Big areolas, I bet. Oh, that's my favorite one ever. What a print. Every show's print's available at RyanJEBelt.com. Young Jamie. If he don't trust you, he's gonna shoot you. Everything Young Jamie. Great t-shirt. He's on Twitter at Young Jamie. If he don't trust you, he's going to shoot you. Everything Young Jamie.

Great t-shirt. He's on Twitter at Young Jamie. Patty Reagan. Patty Reagan. Instagram. Instagram. Greg's dad, 99. Eric Andre show every Friday at midnight.

Fuck yeah. Jeremiah Watkins. At Jeremiah's stand-up, JeremiahWatkins.tv and watch The Bet on VOD right now. Joel Jimenez is mostly sorry on Twitter. An unbelievable addition to the show every single week. So funny. At Josh Martin Comic, opening for me October 8th at the Wilbur Theater in Boston. Mike Lawrence, what else is happening?

Yeah, you can see me on MikeLawrenceComedy.com. I got a whole fall tour, and I'll be judging the roast battle tomorrow night. Fuck yeah. I'll be there for roast battle tomorrow night. Fuck yeah. I'll be there for that for sure. Mike's one of my favorite judges. Glickman? Yeah. You know, it's at Stephen Glickman, S-T-E-P-H-E-N, Glickman on Instagram, Twitter, and YouTube.

And don't forget to check out Storks. Storks. With me and Jennifer Aniston and Andy Samberg. There you go. Next month. Stephen Glickman in the movie Storks check it out Brian Redband thank you everybody

goodnight Oh, sick. I didn't get it with mine. Great as always with the art there, shit. I didn't get it with mine. Great as always in the art there, buddy.