KILL TONY - KILL TONY #171

Episode Date: September 6, 2016

Yassir Lester, Maz Jobrani, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Jeremiah Watkins, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 08/22/2016 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This is Kill Tony. We record this every Monday at the Comedy Store in Hollywood, California at 8 o'clock. And every Tuesday, we have the Roast Battle, which is the verbal violence podcast. And every first and third Friday, we have the Ice House Secret Show, which is at the Ice House in Pasadena, California. This Wednesday, though, wow, we have a crazy show this Wednesday. Death Squad Secret Show at the Comedy Store in the main room.

This is going to sell out. So if you're listening to this before, better get tickets now. This has Joe Rogan, Burt Kreischer, Christina Pajitsky, Steve Renzese, Tony Hinchcliffe, me, George Perez, Brody Stevens, Jeremiah Watkins, Lucas Hurl, and a bunch of secret guests. That's this Wednesday. And that's going to be at the Comedy Store in the main room September 7th. So get tickets at the Comedy Store's website. Also, don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Just search the iTunes store for Kill Tony or subscribe to Death Squad, and that will get you all the different podcasts that we do here at Death Squad.

Don't forget to go to Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Click on Tour Dates. He's all over the place. Next, he's going to be in Tulsa, Oklahoma. He's going to be in San Francisco, Sacramento, Boston, Buffalo, even Sydney, Australia. What the heck? So go to his website, TonyHinchcliffe.com, and click on Tour Dates. Also, ShopSquad.TV.

That's where you can get all the official Death Squad merchandise, hats, and T-shirts, and all the stuff there. Just go to ShopSquad.tv. And last but not least, don't forget to go to Ryan J. Ebelt's website. He is the house artist. He draws every episode. He has the Tony Hinchcliffe movie posters and everything there.

So just go to ryanjebelt.com. And that's it. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. That's it for my part. Yeah. Hey, this is Redman. Coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store Main Room for the original Kill Tony Volume 4,

Get Up Where Tony Henscliff. Hey, everybody. Hello, everyone. Wow. Hi, Ryan J. Ebel. Look at him. That's a house artist, everybody, with a blank sheet of paper in front of him. He's about to draw tonight's episode.

Put your hands together for him. Josh Martin. Pat Reagan on the pre-show. Brian Redband's here, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, everyone. Let him go. He's on sound effects, sound, a whole bunch of fun stuff. How you guys doing Monday night?

You ready for a crazy fucking night or what? Come on, you could do better than that, you fucking idiots. You're in the main room of the comedy store. Let's get this shit fucking happening. Let's just jump right into it. I have some crazy dates coming up that I have to promote, as always, annoyingly for you podcast listeners. But there's people listening from all

around the world, and you guys are going to come and see me and upgrade my install. I have to install this new fucking Apple thing. What are you talking about? I don't do the updates ever. Thank you. One person also doesn't update their phone. I like that. A updates ever. Thank you.

One person also doesn't update their phone. I like that. A lot of love for that. Tulsa, Oklahoma, San Francisco, Sacramento, punchlines. That's me. Boston's Wilbur Theater and oddball dates in Chicago, Toronto, and Detroit. Boston's Wilbur Theater, that's October 8th. That's a really big deal if you're into the biggest shows of a comedian's career. That's going to be mine. Wilbur Theatre. That's October 8th. That's a really big deal if you're into the biggest shows of a comedian's career. That's going to be mine.

Wilbur Theatre. 1,700 seat capacity. I think I'm about 130 tickets sold. If you know anybody in the Boston area, I think I went in a little bit too far over my head. If you know anything about me, I really believe in myself.

Back in January when I said fuck yeah, you know what? I'm not going to do a club in Boston. Let's start at the theater level. And they're like, sure, we'll book it way out so you have a lot of time to sell tickets. They're like, how about October? And in January I'm like, fuck yeah. Watch what I do. I can get 200 people a month until October.

That's easy. So if you even just have someone who you don't even like that lives in Boston, really just invite anybody, anybody at all. They don't even have to live in Boston. I think it's only a two-hour train ride from New York City, places like that. Really, anybody, anywhere near the East Coast, anybody really in the Northern Hemisphere. If you're a really big fan of mine, you're going to make the trip to the Boston Wilbur Theater October 8th.

God, that's so quick. That's awesome. It's going fast. We're also going to be at the LA PodFest this year, September 23rd through the 25th. We're doing the Friday show, so if you want to see Kill Tony live, we're going to be picking some people out from Kill Tony to do the comic part of it. A podcast festival literally built for people to not leave the house. They're doing a festival, and we're part of it for the third or fourth year in a row.

Third year in a row. That's great. So let's just jump into tonight, shall we, ladies and gentlemen? How many of you people in the audience are kill Tony fans, huh? Me too, I'm a really big fan of this show One of the biggest and I'm super excited to bring up our band who performs with us every single week It's one of my favorite things in the entire world. They always have a different theme With their entrance which seems has already started put your hands together for Reagan and Watkins, ladies and gentlemen. The Kill Tony Band.

Eleven! Eleven! Eleven! Eleven! Eleven! Eleven! Eleven! Eleven! There she is! Eleven! Eleven! Eleven! There she is! Eleven! Eleven! Eleven! I really don't know what this is. Wow, I have no idea what just happened. Normally, I guess the intro last week was Olympics. The week before that was Pokemon Go.

I'm guessing by the looks of the Mexican with the bloody nose, I'm guessing that had something to do with McGregor Diaz over the weekend. Oh. Nope. What was it? Netflix's own Stranger Things. Whoa. Look at that. Yeah.

I'm a big fan of that show, and it was recommended to me after I watched Netflix's One Shot so many times. That's the Tony Hinchcliffe one hour special on Netflix. I know some of you may not know that I'm one of the first comedians to ever debut my stand up on Netflix but you just so happen to be at his show right now so fuck yeah. Did it suggest it because it left both audiences

horrified? Oh my god. Son of a bitch. You're so lucky that you're fully clothed today. Or I would make fun of how strikingly overweight you are. I want to let you know a Kill Tony fan came out to my show in Montana this weekend. He goes, hey, man, I just want to let you know you're not fat. Don't worry about it.

Jeremiah Watkins and Pat Reagan. Jeremiah straight off of headlining his first weekend in Billings, Montana. Billings, Montana, ladies and gentlemen. I don't know if you heard Drake's song started from the bottom, now we're here, but I'm pretty sure he was talking about his first weekend in Billings, Montana when he was on that bottom part. Patty Reagan, how are you doing, man? I'm pretty sure he was talking about his first weekend in Billings, Montana when he was on that bottom part. Patty Reagan, how you doing, man? I'm doing good.

Oh, I thought of a tagline for your Netflix special. Tony Inchcliffe one-shot, Netflix and kill. Yeah, I like that. Fuck yeah, I like that. I like that you're coming up with new ideas. That must be why you have the haircut of a mad scientist. Mad scientist jokes, people. So let's jump into it.

You guys want to meet tonight's comedian guest? Huh? How about that? Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world join me on this show to talk to comedians about comedy. These are two of my favorite people ever. Put your hands together for the great Maz Jobrani and Yasser Lester. There they are.

Fuck yes. Welcome, gentlemen. Yeah, man. We brought our own water. This is the first lesson of a comedian. Have a lot of water. Yeah. Hell yeah.

You guys have an hour and a half in which you cannot pee. So good luck. Welcome to the podcast world. How's it going, guys? Maz, you've done this show before. Welcome back. I'm happy to be back, man. I got the call today. I feel like I'm filling in for somebody. the show before. Welcome back. I'm happy to be back, man. I got the call today.

I feel like I'm filling in for somebody, but here I am, man. I'm ready to go. Yeah, so this is your first time on the show. And I am definitely filling in for somebody. They were like, you are substituting for someone way more famous. I was like, all right, I'll be there no matter what. Yeah, I had a crazy weekend, got caught up, and didn't book my show properly at all.

I didn't book anyone. And then I had Josh Martin do it today. And you guys are the fucking greatest for being here. I got stuck up in all that McGregor-Diaz drama over the weekend in Vegas. I got to go see the fight. You guys watch UFC at all? So you were in the middle.

You were so taken by the fight. I was. I'm friends with joe rogan i i sit so close to the octagon that i literally like i'm beat up afterwards crazy was it one of those things where like the party just kept going and you were like i got a book somebody i got a book but you're like but then they're like we're going to the club you were at the club and then we're getting shots you're like to the club. You were at the club. And then we're getting shots. You're like, I got to book. But then you keep forgetting. And I drove there and back with my buddy Pete, Pete C.

So you had four hours there and four hours back, and you still did not book anybody. I tried to book this show on the way back on Sunday. Pete C, he's really politically correct, isn't he? Yeah. Hey, you know what? You know what? You know what the sport of UFC is?

The sport of UFC is a repressed, crunching ballet of homoeroticism. One guy. One guy, Pat. Ten years ago, that would have fucking killed with everybody before it was a super respected

sport, but, just one guy that's totally gay for sure. It's like, yeah, fuck those homo erotic guys. He just starts sticking his own hand up his ass. So wait, explain to me, so you were on the four hour drive back with this Pete Seaguy. Yeah, and I'm getting

stoned to the gullets. And I mean, an amount of high that nobody, even people that smoke pot all the time, you can't even fathom. The horse of truth. He has obviously gotten high from Pete C. One of the best pot growers in the world. I can't say who he gives his pot

to, but it's some of the best comedian minds. But he's not good for making you focus. He's not a good motivational speaker. Your whole podcast just went to shit. not good for making you focus and be he's not a good motivational speaker no yeah it's definitely your whole podcast just went to shit that you were exactly it's basically the type of thing where i'm just like i'm so high right now i don't care if it's maz and yasser on but no i kept trying but when you end up in these areas the drive from here to vegas it's one of the

only times where you literally end up with no reception at all. So I blame somewhat of it on that. I had a very similar weekend. I watched Creed. Yes, the poor man's UFC. It was a Blu-ray, so actually it's the

rich man's UFC. Whoa! Blu-ray. 4K television. I. Yeah. Blueberry. I'm loving it. 4K television. I love it. We have a song from the hit show Creed that Brian's queuing up. With arms wide open. Oh, yeah.

That is from the movie Creed. You may not have noticed it. With arms wide open. Yeah. Under the helmet. That's the kind of creed we are assuming that you watched over the weekend. Why wouldn't they use that as the theme song? They really should have.

They want to make money. We're having too much fun and guys, this isn't even the real show. How about that shit? There's a whole bucket here filled with over 30 comedian's names. Wait a minute. We filled with over 30 comedians' names. Wait a minute. It's a fucking small one tonight. We've got 50, 30 comedians tonight.

Wait a minute. You booked 30 other comedians and forgot to book us? No, no, we didn't book them. No, they just show up and they sign up. Anything can happen. This is some of the craziest stuff in the world because sometimes it's like

one of the brightest young comedians in the future and sometimes it's a guy named... Al. What was what was that one fucking guy ichabod oh my god ichabod the fucking legend like it was like it was like a i pulled a ghost out of the bucket one time and just fucking real corpse came on stage like anything can happen. He was so scary that when I remember you specifically playing that exact sound and everybody

died of laughter because it was so spot on that it was frightening. There could be another Ichabod in here. Fuck, the actual Ichabod might be here tonight. Let's just get into it, guys. You don't vet these guys at all? At all, that's what makes it crazy

One second, you know Sometimes it'll be somebody Who we've seen do good a few times Sometimes it's somebody brand new But if Trump wins You can do some extreme vetting We actually had Trump on As a part of the band

Trump and Hillary They looked a little bit like Jeremiah and Pat But it was a few weeks ago Pretty epic Who, which Trump? epic. Which Trump? What? Which Trump?

Ivanka. Okie dokie. So let's just get into it. Comedians, you know what happens. I pull your name out of the bucket. You get 60 seconds of uninterrupted stage time. Wrap it up at 60 seconds. Earl, she's going to bring out the...

Wait a second. 170 episodes. In 60 seconds, you'll hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then. Don't run the light. Earl, you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Alright, you get it.

Yay! Okay, very good. Holy shit. All right. You get it. Yay. Okay. Very good. Holy shit. Very good. What is happening? That's a THX sound. Gets a little bit longer every week.

All right. I pulled the name out of the bucket. This looks like a new name. Let's see what happens. Put your hands together. Uninterrupted 60 seconds for Lauren Davis. Whoa. Shout to the devil.

Shout. Shout. Shout to the devil. Bang, bang, bang. Drop the boogie. Fire with the bottom. So you guys like Stranger Things?

No. No. My boyfriend really liked the main guy in it. He was always like, he was like a... Sorry, I did not know I was entered in this. Sorry, I'm, I'm, Sorry. I'm... Okay. I'm making great podcasts, though. Uninterrupted 60 seconds. I'm sorry.

Are you quitting? No, no, no. I'm sorry. Let me go in No, no, no. I'm sorry. Let me go in again. Let me in, coach. You still have 15 seconds left, Lauren. After that, I'm not going to help you. Okay.

So I went to the store the other day, and I forgot what I was going in for. You know what that's like? And you're like, oh, those wings look good. I want those wings. And you're like, oh, if I'm going to get wings, then, like, mama wants a like mama wants a 40 if i'm gonna get a 40 might as well get two 40s make it an 80 then i walked out and i was like i totally forgot the pregnancy test it's okay we're out of the woods fuck yeah lauren davis 60 seconds 40 seconds of it apologizing for being called up on the show in an almost epic maneuver that I've

never quite seen before. You had no idea that your name was in the bucket? Talking to the microphone. I'm sorry. I've never heard of this. You've never heard of the show before. Bars. Bars, Tony. You've never heard of this show before. You just so happened to be sitting

in it when your name got pulled out of a bucket. I signed the two things on the store list. I didn't know that one was a sign up to be in the bucket. I was like, oh. I honestly wish you would have done an hour. I would have watched

that for an hour and a half. No exaggeration. Did you think you were entering a raffle? I thought it was like an email or they asked for your Twitter. And then you asked about Stranger Things and then that was it. And then you swallowed

for 45 seconds and breathed. So you see two sign up sheets on the front patio of the comedy store when you get here. Now you came here to what? Do the open mic in the other room? Yes. You've heard of that show? Yes. Have you been to that show? Yeah.

I just did it. You did it tonight? Yes. Have you ever done it before tonight? No. So this was your first time at the Comedy Store? Yes. Very good. Sure. There you go. Chase your dreams. So you see one sign up sheet that says open mic, starts at 7, signups at 6, put your name down, right?

They weren't labels. They weren't. She was just signing shit as she was going. Yeah, that's what it seems like. It seems like you were like, Josh, was it the usual sign-up sheet? Yeah, still calling the place, but I was just having fun. Right. So you just...

How many things do you put your name on a day? Almost nothing. He literally explained the show, and then he called you, and then you came up, and you had just done stand-up. You literally had just done the exact same thing that you just did over there.

No, she did three times the material in the other room. That was a smart show, man. I was heavily throwed by being called. Throwed? Dethroned. So, all right, Lauren, let's just get into it.

That wasn't it? You're on fire now. You didn't hear the explanation. You're doing nine more sets right now. Yeah, nine sets of 60 seconds. Lauren, how long have you been doing stand-up for? Four years. Four years?

Wow, where at? Dallas. Who's the person that just keeps starting applause breaks for no reason over there? You have to stop that. Four years was Wow, where at? Dallas. Who's the person that just keeps starting applause breaks for no reason over there? You have to stop that. Four years was the key? Four years, really? What the fuck was four years? That's where every comic turns in their career.

Is that the years? Yeah, it turns into someone that just signs up for random shit, obviously. That is very I'm here in the big city. I just came from Dallas and I'm going to sign whatever comes my way. Oh, wow. People are signing

their names on the wall, too, in big letters. This place is fucking incredible. Lauren Davies. Davies. Where are you from, Lauren? Dallas. Dallas. Fuck yeah. How long have you been in Los Angeles?

Like six months. Six months. Very nice. Have you been gigging these six months? Open micing mostly. Do you have a solid one minute? I do. I've never.

You never had to do it. I could do a minute of material. I don't know if I've got a tight one or anything. She said it. I didn't think if I've got a tight one or anything. She said it. I didn't think so either, now that you mention it. Might have a loose one, but not a tight one. Even Snoop Dogg agrees with me on that one. Phoning in from wherever he's at.

Lauren, what do you do for work? How do you make a living? I do marketing for a hedge fund and then I do telemarketing for flappers. Ooh. Can I say that here? The second one cancels out the first one, by the way. I don't care if you're the president of the United States.

If you do telemarketing for flappers as your second gig, I'm like, I don't care if you're the president of the United States. If you do telemarketing for flappers as your second gig, I'm like, I don't trust it. You mean you're cold calling for that comedy club? I'm not cold calling. It's like people give us their information, and then we call them and get them. People sign their names. They sign their names, and then you call them.

Are they as shocked as you were today when you came up here. Like, oh, my God, I didn't know I was going to get a ticket. I'm here. I'm sorry. Wait, I don't understand the marketing for hedge fund. So why? Just because it's a hedge fund, then it's not telemarketing? No, it's email.

It's like I contact potential financial advisors. So for the Clownity Club, it's phone calls. And then the other ones, emails. I work at Goldman Sachs and Boost Mobile Kiosk. Those are my two jobs. Yeah, you are. That's a wide range. But there's material in that.

I think there's actually material in that. You're working for an exploitative business that does no good for the world. Wow. We have a conspiracy Pat Reagan with us here tonight, obviously. working for an exploitative business that does no good for the world. We have a conspiracy Pat Reagan with us here tonight. Obviously coming off of some sort of indica today. You mean to tell me that you're into homoerotic hedge funds?

Sounds like some Illuminati shit. Ironically, Pat Reagan and I will be headlining at Flappers on September 21st. 30 minutes. That's called marketing. Nice. Well done, guys. Also, when it's empty, you know who to blame.

So, Lauren, do you make good money doing the hedge fund stuff? No. No, you don't. Why is that? I'm a contract worker. I pay a lot in taxes, and it's only part-time. Do you sign those contracts without looking at them? Very good, Pat.

Oh, I like that. Lauren, what's the rest of your life looking like? You have a couple jobs that don't pay well and then I do open mics and I do improv and sketch at UCB how's that going fine

good learning aren't classes there like $30,000 yeah it's like almost a college education that's so crazy to be a dork. Yeah. It is crazy. And you're so busy with it all,

you don't even get a chance to wash your hair. So that's really crazy. It's pretty impressive. Would you like... That's not my fault, though. Why? Uh-oh. There's some flies that are coming out.

I got fucked in the car on the way here. Oh, is that what it is? It'll still be my fault. No, I asked... I want to put a business on blast. Is that okay? Sure. I asked for partial highlights

from a place called Blow Boss and they bleached the top of my head. First of all, you're saying you had a bad experience at a business called Blow Boss? I don't believe it. I don't believe it for one second. Blow Boss? Somehow I didn't even notice that until Jeremiah repeated it. That's like a kingpin.

It's like they do blow drying primarily. Gotcha. But they bleach the top and they dye the bottom. You should write a Yelp review. This place blows all exclamation points. They really are the boss of all blowing. They fucked up my hair. It looks horrendous.

No, I'm kidding, Lauren. So what happened? Where'd they go wrong? Oh, they just bleached the fuck out of my hair. Didn't you realize it when they put bleach on it? I did, but it's like there's no going back. Yeah, there is. When they're putting a bunch of bleach on it, you go, what the fuck are you doing?

Get this off my hair. Get this off of my head and put it on my asshole immediately. Like that. I mean, it's all painful as a lady. It all feels the same. But then now it's like it's still It hurts. Couldn't you just go to brown?

I mean, there's other colors. Like brown exists as a color. I can't do any. I can't even wash my hair right now. You can't even wash your hair. I'm scared it will all fall out. Did they still charge you? And you paid. How much did you have to pay the blow boss? I'm scared it will all fall out. Did they still charge you? Yeah. And you paid.

Yeah, why didn't you? What the fuck? How much did you have to pay the blow boss? I've always wanted to say those words. I paid $132,000. Oh my God. You should call Larry H. Parker. If every broke comedian in this bucket gave $3 right now, that's six months of your

flapper salary. Down the drain. Shit. That's so sad. That sucks. There's really nothing you could do as a girl. You get a haircut and they charge you at the end and it's just like you gotta pay it or you have to

run for your life. Yeah, pretty much. You paid $130 to look like a worse Jeremiah. Oh. Yes! Dude, this is the prettiest I've ever felt. So Lauren, how long did you get this

bleach job? This was four days ago. Oh, you should be able to wash it by now. Just deep condition it. Deep condition. Okie dokie. We have our fashion expert on the scene reporting live from Fashion Bell.

At least they have a good toner on it so it's not too canary yellow or anything like that. They did a good job if you wanted it bleached. I don't think it looks that bad. You don't think I've got hot roots? No, no, no. You're fine. Just deep conditioning.

Fuck yeah. Brian's going balls deep. Trying to join the itty bitty titty committee tonight. So Lauren, tell us something else about you. What else is going on in your life? You find a boyfriend yet? You're six months in Los Angeles? No, actually I moved here with a boyfriend

From Dallas Bad move But we broke up Right after you went to blow boss He's like, what the fuck? What'd you do with my girlfriend? And you found him blowing the boss And you're like, oh shit Do I get a split of the $130 you got from her?

How long did you date him before, prior to? Yeah. Tell the truth. That's the truth. We'd only dated a month before we moved here. You idiot. You idiot. What are you talking about?

Yeah, I just signed up for it, I guess. I didn't really know what I was getting into. He just sounded good. I'm like, hey, what's up? I'm Lauren. And he's like, I'm Blow Boss. Let's do this. He's like, I'm breaking up with you. And she's like, yes, and? I hate your guts.

Give me an occupation and a location to break up with you. You're an idiot who pays too much money to look stupid. At a bus stop. Go. So Lauren, look, everybody makes mistakes and this is the shit that's like liquid gold in comedy is something like this. You met this guy a month

in, you both move out together like Bonnie and Clyde. Where'd you meet this guy at? At Cake Boss. Which is in Texas. thin you both move out together like bonnie and clyde where'd you meet this guy at at cake boss which is in texas that's what oh my yeah for all you diehard cake fans in the room they're all heaters if you just pay attention except for that one lauren where did you meet him Lauren, where did you meet him? We're on an improv troupe together. Oh, shit. You gotta be

kidding me. Improvers in love. Wow. So you guys were in a Dallas, Texas improv troupe where instead of... Yeah, what up, Lauren? So he came out here to make it and was like, come along?

No, we were both planning on moving already. But he came out. What did he come out here for? Stand-up. He doesn't, but he doesn't do stand-up. Doesn't do stand-up. That guy quit stand-up and you quit him. Yeah.

Way to go, girl. Or did he quit you? Who quit who? I quit him. There you go. Why is that? Why'd you quit him? It was like really controlling.

Oh, okay. So you went through his phone. Yeah. Fucking women. You moved in together, right? When you moved out, you moved in. So you had to get a new place immediately after? He got a new place.

Wow. Were you guys improv-ing together all the time? Like in your apartment together? Oh, man. We tried, but it's brutal. you got a new life. Wow. Were you guys improvving together all the time like in your apartment together? Oh man, we tried but it's brutal. You tried to improvise a healthy relationship?

When he hit on you, when he first came up to you, was he like, zip, zap, sup? And made kissy faces like a vagina? Oh, that's great. Was he all like,

hey, let's go on a date. I need a place and a... Oh, that's great. Was he all like, hey, let's go on a date. I need a place and a... Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. So you guys moved out here. That was six months ago. How long did you guys last in that month relationship out here? You guys lived together for a little bit,

and then he got his own place? We lived together for like five months, and then we broke up. What was the name of your troop? Lauren and Jeremy, do you? Say what? Lauren and Jeremy, do you? Oh, geez.

So his name is Jeremy. Not funny from the very beginning. Hey, let's not go see them. It was a two-person troop. Was it really a two-person troupe? We're going together for my lawyer, by the way. David Pierce. Pierce Law Group. The greatest entertainment lawyer in the world.

So good at comedy law that he noticed that it was only a two-person troupe and felt the need to let us all know. It is true. We all missed it. That's what you want. You want a lawyer who can tag your jokes. That's fantastic. That's it.

He's like, listen, dude, I didn't negotiate the best deal, but I got a tag for that joke. Right. Exactly. So, Lauren, that's amazing to me. How about since then? You've been a month free. I did the math. Five months out. Yes. So you've been a month free. I did the math. Five months out.

So you've been a month free. Anything fun happen for you? Nah, I've been tendering a little but it's like the cliche thing like no one looks like their pictures. Right, especially after they go to Blow Boss. I swear I used to look different.

Alright, Lauren. But I'm deep conditioning now on my way out. Lauren, you have any short-term goals? Besides a haircut. That's my main one right now. I don't know. Just keep fighting the good fight. Hang in there.

Chin up. Do you still do the improv troupe solo? keep fighting the good fight. Hang in there. Chin up. Do you still do the improv troupe solo? I did tonight. No, you didn't. Oh, snap. Lauren Davis getting us started off. Thank you so much.

There she goes. She's on Twitter at LaurenOrWhatev. LaurenOrWhatev on Twitter. You met her here first on Kill Tony. Get that pussy comic. We got some new meat in the audience. Brian, there's certain times where you definitely shouldn't say things like this. Hey, go fuck her, guys.

Seriously. She needs a place to live. Get her while she has low self-esteem. Yeah. Go show her who the real blow boss is. It's just so crazy that she had just done stand-up. And then you're like, hey, do some more stand-up. She's like, blah, blah, blah. I have no idea how I got here.

Hey, you know how you just talked? Yeah, yeah. Can you talk again? First off, I'd like to say I'm sorry. I pulled another name out of the bucket. I believe we've seen this guy before. This name sounds familiar. Put your hands together for Zachary Stein.

Oh, my. Thank you. I was born into a rich family. Like, really rich. Which I recommend. I don't know if you guys have tried it. It's awesome. It's not all good, though. There's some negatives. People make assumptions about you.

People make assumptions about my ideologies. Like, oh, you're rich. You must be a Republican. And you hate black people and gay people and women i'm like no you ignorant dick i'm a fiscal republican i just hate poor people people make assumptions about my life they think it's easy though're like oh you're rich you don't have any problems I can tell you from first hand experience I have a mother who's mentally unwell she was physically and emotionally abusive

and refused to show me love so you know yeah I would say I had some problems I also had an indoor pool which helps a lot with the problems fuck yeah Zachary Stein back on the show which helps a lot with the problems. Fuck yeah, Zachary Stein, back on the show. I can't believe someone with the last name Stein was born rich.

Yeah. What a shocker. He won Ben Stein's money. Nice. Oh, very good. There you go, Pat Reagan. Zachary, now... I'll be here all week. Why?

We only do this show once a week. I don't have anywhere to go. Pat's just going to stay here for the week, guys, if that's okay. Comedy store staff, if you could just let him... Spout conspiracy theories from his side like over there once in a while. Did you really grow up rich? So you look like Dan Quayle. You had a ton of money growing up.

Did you just do a Dan Quayle joke? No one does it anymore. What's that? Dan Quayle? I don't even remember what he looks like, Brian. I'm almost impressed. Like a Republican. Zachary, let's just get into it. The reason why I remembered your name when I pulled that out is because you are actually, in our history books, a pretty famous character.

Because the first time Zachary was on the show, he wore very tight khakis. And we realized immediately, and we talked about it for the rest of his time up here, his gigantic penis. talked about it for the rest of his time up here. His gigantic penis. Now, I don't know if any of you can notice, but even jeans are not hiding. No, don't try to fix it, Zachary. Let them fucking see what you're dealing

with. I mean, it is almost shockingly impressive. He's rich and has a big cock? It's unbelievable. Oh, come on. It's so big that I mean literally... And white. that's the trifecta That's what everyone has been looking for You know how many Trump supporters you could bang?

About 14 so far Have you been to a rally? Have you been to a Trump rally? You did? No, not really Have you been with another Republican girl before? Yeah One girl I did in college Have you been with another Republican girl before? Yeah, yeah.

One girl I did in college was a young Republican. Now, do you stick it all in right away, or do you just start with the 1%? You know what I mean? Ah, nice. That is a big, big Republican joke. Yeah. Nice. That is a big, big Republican joke. I think he starts with a 1% and lets it trickle down.

Yes. Exactly. All economic jokes, ladies and gentlemen. We are killing right now. That's right. I mean, there are people that are billionaires that would have laughed at that. Yeah. Either way, he's using it to fuck the black community. Nice.

There we go. That's right. His dick is the wall. Come on. Just lay that across the Mexican border. He does not know how to get over these. El caco grande. Oh, shit.

Oh, my God. Really can't beat a big dick. I mean, you probably can, Zach, but... Make the fuck out of it. Twice a day. Where's your family's money from? What kind of, like, real estate? Obviously, you keep a few thousand in your crotch,

but how do your parents have money? Hair salons. Wow. Wait a second. Your dad's the blow boss? Blow boss. No, not really. It makes sense since he probably has a giant dick too.

That would make sense if that's his company. Which hair salons? Vidal Sassoon? No, but I've worked there when I first moved here. Wow. So you're a hairstylist. No, no, no, I can't. I manage a salon in Santa Monica right now.

I like this creepy pedophile giggle that you have before you answer almost any question. Why do you rest the mic on your chin? You should let it come off it a little bit. I know you're rich and used to having it. Just relax. Put it out here. And we know that you're used to having things this size

connected to your body at all times, but you don't have to keep it exactly Just relax. We know that you're used to having things this size connected to your body at all times. You don't have to keep it exactly on your chin. Zachary, now let's just get into it. You talked about you shit on poor people for a second there during your act. Yeah, I hate poor people.

Were you about to say it was a joke? You just started to go it was a joke. Let me just give you a note on it. I say if You just started to go, it was a joke. Let me just give you a note on it. I say if you're going to go there, then go all the fucking way. Like if you're going to say, I don't know, you know, people think I don't like blacks and Mexicans and this and that. No, I just don't like poor people. Then fucking after you say that, like get back into it.

Like just so happens that most of them are black and Mexican. You know what I mean? Fucking attack. Sharks don't just go like nibble and then leave you. You have to fucking either go for it or don't go there at all. You know what I mean? It's hard to make people laugh at a he's a Republican and he's shitting on poor people joke.

And he obviously has a giant cock. I mean, why do I even want to laugh at this guy? I'd much rather watch him have a bad day. Yeah, that's a hard sell. You don't want to be hateable. You want the audience to actually like you and laugh at this guy. I'd much rather watch him have a bad day. Yeah, that's a hard sell. You don't want to be hateable. You want the audience to actually like you and laugh at you. But he had some good self-deprecating stuff with the whole the mother has all the problems, but they had the

indoor pool, which made it easier. That's kind of where he needs to be. Self-deprecation when you're come from such privilege, when you go right up top and go, I'm white and I'm rich. Your mom has mental health issues? Yeah, she's like a borderline personality. Well, your dick is definitely

bipolar. Nothing. Okay. It's a little bit more of a thinker. You just overdosed on his dick jokes. They're a mouthful. Hey! So, Zachary,

what do you do for work? I manage a hair salon. You do manage a hair salon. Hair salon. You do manage a hair salon. Yeah, yeah. Did you get in because you were like, yo, my dad owns a bunch of these? Someone I worked with in management in one of our Miami salons referred me to this person who she had worked with before, and they needed a manager. And so do your – Wait, referred?

You didn't just – Huh? You said you were referred? Well, this is not my parent's salon, this one. This is just a... We don't have any idea. I just don't understand why you work. You just seem so stupid for having a job. I would never in a million years.

Yeah, let me ask you this, Zachary. Do you live by yourself? I have a roommate. What is this smile giggle that you do? You say it like your roommate's an 11-year-old girl who's tied up. I don't understand. How can you say, I don't know how you can say you're rich and then be like, I had to get a referral to manage a salon because I have a roommate.

I'm so fucking loaded, I have a roommate. Well, you're trying, listen, you're trying to live an ordinary life, and that's actually a question I have for you. How does your family feel about you being a comedian and having a roommate? He was just saying, are your parents, what the fuck, we're rich.

What are you doing? Do you have any of that coming from them? Are they ever like, why do you have a roommate when you could just pitch a tent anytime you want go on how are you back to maz's still the dick jokes had to get that joke in but back to maz's question no they like me i'm a roommate i've known him like my whole life and he's responsible and i just like i'll do a bunch of drugs and drink and stuff so it's good to have someone like he's the only guy that can do lines of coke off of his own dick. Nothing? Only five people?

You guys, you know what? Let's just come back next Monday. What kind of drugs are you into, Zachary? Tony, it's sounding like his roommate is a butler. I have a roommate. His name's Alfred. He watches the Batmobile.

What does your roommate do for work? He does editing. He's an assistant editor on the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Really? Are your parents aware that you're doing stand-up comedy? Yeah. Are they worried about you with the drugs and stuff? No, I play it down.

Oh, you play it down. Yeah. What kind of drugs are you doing? I only do a little drugs. You know what? Let's tell them. This is not a show. It's intervention.

Guys, get up. There's your father. There's the butler. So, Zachary, where do your parents live? You live here in L.A.? Yeah, but I'm from, like, Michigan. Your parents still live in Michigan? Yeah.

How long have you been out here? A little less than a year. A little less than a year. All the blood's going to his cock, man. He doesn't have... Exactly. He's like, I'm passing out. I feel like his cock's going to make an appearance

in the new Pirates of the Caribbean, by the way. I feel like he went into his roommate's bedroom and just laid his dick on Jack Sparrow or something like that. Zachary, anything else cool happen in your time here in LA? Done some fun shows and stuff, yeah. But that's about it. See any celebrities? Oh, yeah. Yeah?

Would you like to know which ones? What? Would you like to know which ones? Sure, go ahead, Zachary. I mean, you didn't have to ask me like you were about to kill me afterwards. Did you like to know which ones me like you were about to kill me afterwards. You're not going to die, Tony. I don't know which ones. Before you die? Yeah. Who is it, Zach?

I don't know. Just famous people around here and stuff. Tony. Wow. Didn't even have any. Thought about it. The stupidest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Would you like to know which ones?

Yeah. I don't know. Tony. I shared Would you like to know which ones? Yeah. Tony. I shared a stage with Tony Henscliff once. There you go. Way to silence the crowd. Tony, this is why he needed a referral, because he'd be terrible at a job interview. What's your previous work experience? I've worked before.

Do you have any questions for us? Yes, I do. Do you want me to ask you now if I have questions? Are you high right now? No, I was earlier today, so I'm still a little... Oh, okay. Here's a story for you. This is how you tell a celebrity story.

Ladies and gentlemen, earlier today I was buying a drill at Orchard Supply Hardware. Who was in line behind me? Miss Catherine Keener. That's how you tell a story. Catherine Keener from being John Malkovich. You idiot. They don't even know who that is. No, no.

This is how you tell a celebrity story. Jack Nicholson fucked me in the ass. There you go. That's a celebrity story right there. Here's Johnny. Wait until you get a load of me. That's a deep reference. Here we go.

All right. So, Zach, anything else? Let's get back into this giant dick for a second. Last time you went on a date or hooked up with anybody, how did that go down? Where was that at? It was like a hooker at my place. A hooker at your place.

Wow, very honest. Now that's more like it. That's what rich Republicans should be doing. Wait, did you get a hooker? A hooker at my place? What level of hooker are you getting? Are you getting like a 200 flower, 500? No, just like 140.

Wow. 140. How'd it go? So you're fiscally responsible when it comes to hookers as well. Well, I want it to cost less than like a date, so I feel like I'm, you know. Wait, say that again? Less than a date, so it's like I'm getting a good value out of it. Less than a day?

Less than a date. He actually does like I'm getting a good value out of it. Less than a day? Less than a date. He actually does the math and goes, I would be. How much money would spin at the All-A-Cup? The new Avengers is $17. So, like, if she's leaving, he's like, can I have a bottle of water? No, no, it's going to be another two bucks to go past the limit. No water. In my head, rich white guys always get hookers,

and then they beat them up at the end of the day. Is that true? Wow. He agreed to that very quickly. Have you ever gotten rough with a hooker at all? Tell the truth, Zach. Don't try to be funny. No.

Craziest hooker experience you've ever had? Yeah. We did it on the first one. If I don't remember, then fuck it. I remember. What was it? Can you get to the gist of it? Yeah.

It was just like nothing crazy, but there was she asked me if I wanted to put in her asshole and I never put in anyone's asshole. It was just very wide and it was like wider than any vagina. That's right, you said that the asshole was looser than her vagina. Yeah, I do remember that. There you go.

That shit's crazy. That's talented. So Zach, when did you... She works for Metamucil. That's why. Do you prefer black, white, Asian? What's your favorite style of hooker? They're called people, Brian.

They're called people. What's your favorite style of hooker? Yeah. All right. Do you like? I prefer black and Hispanic based on price point. I don't set the market, man. That just shows you the economy.

Minorities don't make as much as white people do. It's a goddamn shame because they're just as talented. Well, see, you are a Democrat after all. You're trying to help the poor. Oh, that's so nice of you But it's not really because of the price It's because you're Nah like whatever

I don't care Like I'm attracted to Like most women Yo pussy is pussy baby Yo that's what sucks I don't know yeah Any girl ever say anything crazy When they see the meat hog

That you're dealing with Yeah I mean it's just something like I can't be on top type of stuff. Yeah, they say the craziest things like, this might hurt a little bit. I'm bleeding. I'm dying. I'm choking to death. You're hurting me, Zachy. You can never be on top

No, she can't be on top They can't be on top Because it's like sitting on a fire height Jeremiah has such a small penis That he can't fathom what's happening here He goes, what direction does it work in? I just imagined It would be easier for the girl to be on top so she could slowly do squats like...

Is she a Michael Jackson fan? Why is she making that noise? Otherwise, if he's on top of her, then he has the full torque to be like, you like that? You like that? And it's at his disposal. So I was just trying to clear things up.

Wow. Wow. Jeremiah put a lot of thought into this. You were like a lawyer just pleading your case right there. That was amazing. Also, my boy Jeremiah's got a nice-sized dick. Oh, shit. Thanks, Patty.

Wow. I have a question. Is it a grower or a shower? It's already gone. No, it is. It's more, it's like a grower, yeah. Hey, me too. I'm trying to.

It's a grower? Listen, just to move the conversation off your cock for a second. Why? With that Republican girl that you dated in college, was it? Yeah. So was she into premarital, like, did you guys have it? Yeah. So was she into premarital, like, did you guys have sex? Yeah.

So all that shit that Republicans talk is just bullshit? Yeah, yeah. So he's like, oh, let's have sex and I'll have an abortion and fucking whatever, whatever. You mean Republicans are hypocritical in their views when it comes to the bedroom?

Yeah. All right, well, let's go back to your dick. Anyway. All right, Zachary, that's pretty much the gist of it. I think we got enough of you. Am I sitting on a chair or your dick right now? Just answer the question. There he goes, Zachary Stein.

He's on Twitter at hack underscore Stein. Hack underscore Stein. Fuck yeah. There you go. Let's get right into it, shall we? I pulled another name out of the bucket. Oh, you pulled another name out of the bucket? I believe I've seen this one before.

Put your hands together for Tim Hanlon, everyone. Yeah. Yeah. All right. George Zimmerman just auctioned off his pistol. And he made enough to buy a house. When I was thinking about that, I was like, God damn. What a crazy world we're living in where George Zimmerman is walking

around free and R. Kelly is locked up. And then I realized R. Kelly is not locked up and I was like, God damn. Damn. Damn. What have you got to do to a black teenager in America to get locked up? That's it. Thanks a lot, guys. I got a second one. Well, the legal system is fucked up, and I think I know why.

It's because we got to get a new Supreme Court judge right now. And Supreme Court judges, we got nine of them. You know what that job pays? $240,000 a year. You know how much money Judge Judy makes in a year? $47 million. Can you imagine if she was a man? She'd be making like fifty seven million dollars.

Wow. Tim Hamlin. Great. Hot and fresh out the kitchen. Mama rolling that body. Got every man in it wishing. She's not going to go get rum. I'm like, so what?

I'm drunk. It's a freaking weekend, baby. I'm about to have me some fun. Killer set from Tim Handler. Who has destroyed, I believe you've been on the show twice before, right? Never. Never. Really?

We've been on the show for fucking almost a year now. Wow. You've never gotten up on this show? That is crazy. I come once in a while. Well, it has shown that you have been, you've been, I mean, doing something. Those are a couple of hilarious fucking jokes. Low-key, I just feel like he's Norm MacDonald.

He just grabs his facial hair. Playing a character. How long have you been doing stand-up? Six years. Norm MacDonald in a Lucifer costume. Tim, you are a fucking interesting guy because you're actually funny. I'm barely even used to this on this show anymore. I almost don't even know what to do with you're actually funny. How long have you been doing... I'm barely even

used to this on this show anymore. I almost don't even know what to do with you. Through you. How long have you been doing stand-up? Six years. Wow. So maybe like I brought you up one time hosting or something like that. That room, do you remember that maybe?

I don't think so. What were you doing before stand-up? I've been doing stand-up. When I was in Florida I was doing stand-up. I could pay my bills by doing stand-up. But before that I was doing security work. Electronic security like video cameras and stuff like that. You would install cameras? Yeah.

Girls bathrooms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, that's a little freaky. You know, my mom told me my dad was a security camera installer. Say that again. Where are you from? Say that again You know, my mom told me my dad was a security camera installer. Say that again? Where are you from? Say that again, Pat? My mom told me my dad was a security camera installer.

They got the same hair. Same hair. Oh, my God. I think we have a breaking case. Somebody called Maury Povich. We're about to find out what's going on here. Tim, did you ever make your way through? Pat, where are you from?

Brownsburg, Indiana. I was actually born in Youngstown. No way. You were born in Youngstown, Ohio? Then you had to pretty much, I mean, 95% odds that you were born at St. Elizabeth's Hospital? I don't know.

Yeah, we had to be born at the same hospital. That's sort of crazy, Tim. Why were you born in Youngstown? Is that where you were from? They went there for the delivery. I don't know. It seems like if you're not from Youngstown, then it seems like you'd have to be passing through. It's Interstate 80.

No, my folks live there. That's where my folks live. Wow. Where in Youngstown did your parents live? Boardman. Oh, that's like the rich suburb. No, I don't think so. Interesting.

So, Tim, when did you get out of Youngstown? When I was like six. Moved to Miami. Wow, that's a huge upgrade. I was born in Miami. Right on. Is that true? Yeah.

Look at this. Man, next thing you know, you're going to tell us you were in Iran for some time. One summer. Were you part of the Iran-Contra arms deal? No. My dad's all over North. I have the missiles. You got the cash?

I could make some happen. He certainly dressed like it. Yeah, he did. The look of a man that's made many briefcase exchanges before. I've been through a lot of shit. What do you do for work now, though? Still security? I'm able to do it once in a while so I can concentrate on stand-up and writing.

That's great. That's so fun. How about your personal life? What's going on with that? It's good. I got a good girl. S Yeah. How about your personal life? What's going on with that? It's good. Good. I got a good girl. Slamming pipe.

Huh? Slamming pipe. How long have you been? I've been with her for about 10 years. What's that? I've been with my girl for 10 years. 10 years. That is so awesome.

Yeah, she's good. Oh, wait. So you've been doing stand-up six. Yeah. Which means the relationship got boring four years in. Well, I was in a band when we met. And the band kind of broke up. So she's always cool with me.

He is Pat's dad. Yeah. He has musicality oozing from his pores. He was in a band called Hanlon and Watkins. Tim Hanlon, what was the name of your actual band? Swoop.

Swoop. Swoop, baby, Swoop. How many members? It fluctuated. And what did you do in the band? What did you do in the band? Play bass. Okay.

Yeah. Were you a funny bass? Were the guys always like, you should do comedy. Were you a funny bass Were they always like Were the guys always like You should do comedy Were you always funny People that know me Would say that

But I'm not real Like People who don't know him Wouldn't say that And that's Why his People that knew me well His career went nowhere

Except the living room Where people that knew him Found him funny Do you ever play bass anymore? No, I haven't in a bit. I want to get one. I left all my guitars back in Florida. What do you do for fun now?

I'm just trying to get this thing going, man. Just do stand-up all the time. Just write all day long. Go out. Stop hitting the mics all night. You ever notice that your look gets you into interesting situations ever? People remember me. Do people? Let me ask you this.

I'll talk to people I met like eight years ago, and they're like, oh, yeah, I know you, and I don't remember you. They're like, oh, yeah, you're the guy that looks like a mannequin at Ross. I remember you. Have you noticed a lot of parents will tell their daughter, like, get over here, sweetheart, when you walk around? Yeah, well, I get looks. Come over here, Kelly. Come over here, Kelly.

Like that? Yeah, but I guess it's a self-defense thing. Does anybody ever recognize you? Do they ever come up to you like, hey, what's up? You play bass for Swoop, right? In Florida, yeah, all the time. My dad had a minor stroke or something. I went to the hospital.

Wait, or something? I mean, I'm sorry. It's Florida. That's how they diagnose it. This is very important for Pat's hereditary that he knows what runs in his head. Either a minor stroke or an allergy attack. I think it was a minor heart attack. But he was okay.

And I get to the emergency room, and the lady's got the tubes and everything in them, and she looks up, and she's like, were you at the improv last night? Wow. It was kind of a weird situation. And then your dad had another stroke because he was busy talking to you. So proud. And you were too busy laying pipe to the nurse. Wait, what do you do?

So now to make money, you do the security cameras and what else? Well, I had some connections, so one of the companies had a small project going on out here, so I was able to do it for like six weeks. So you do it for like big companies, security cameras. It was a good project. How much would it cost for you to mount my TV? I won't do that. You can do it.

Tim, how much time do you think you have altogether of jokes of that caliber? I headlined a small show right before I came out here, but I featured for a while. It's like 30, 40, 50? I'm really proud of 25 that I have. That's great, man. But I could do a bar show. I could do it. That's so great. Well, I mean, I know that I'm definitely interested in seeing

more because those are two of the funniest jokes that I've heard in a while. So you killed Tim Hanlon, everybody. There he goes. Easy breezy, baby. Can't psych yourself out, bitches. Hey, Tony. Two jokes. Bloody murder. Tim Han Tony. Two jokes. Bloody murder.

Tim Hanlon. He's on Twitter at TimFromDa70s, the number 70S, and da, D-A, TimFromDa70s. Tim Hanlon, one more time, everybody. Come on. That guy's got material. Not just a 15-inch Republican cock. You know what I mean? You know, outfit-wise,

you know who you reminded me of a little bit was Chris Porter. I was thinking that. Yeah. That wasn't meant to be a joke. And Travis Bickle, too. Wasn't Travis Bickle? He had a similar...

He reminded me of the BTK killer. Yeah, a little bit. I pulled another name out of the bucket, and this goes by the name of Gary Curtis, everybody. Yo. I got a girlfriend, y'all. Yeah. I try to say it with confidence

because I'm still trying to figure out whether I'm bragging or complaining when I say it. One thing about getting in a relationship is it changes your perspective on things. Like, the way you look at things before the relationship is not necessarily how you look at them once you win. Like, when you single, if you go on a date with a girl and she farts,

that's a deal-breaker. You're like, this nasty-ass bitch. But when you get in a relationship, first time your girl fart around you, you be like, that was you? You must love me. It's a little nasty-ass. When you single, you ain't out here just sleeping with girls on their periods?

Hell no. When I was trying to get something the other week. My girl was like, baby, I got my period. I was like, do I like a sentence to you? Is that shit supposed to stop me? When you single, you ain't out here just sucking on people's toes. Nah, my girl was like, baby, you trying to suck on my toes? I was like, shit, we got to save something for marriage.

Fuck yes. Gary Curtis doing it, getting it done. Staying in the zone. One subject, multiple punchlines. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Hitting the speed bag like a pro. And talking about real shit about your life. Hitting it all home.

Different style than Tim Hanlon, but another really good set. So, alright. Somebody said the word fart on stage, so Brian's gonna lose his shit and annoy the podcast listeners for the next few minutes. Oh, he found a wet fart. Here comes an airy

fart. I can actually read the board. A pinched fart. That is a pinched fart. That is a pinched fart. Here is a two-tone fart. There you go. Guess what? Sustained fart. Wow.

How about a quick fart? Quick fart. Quick fart. Quick fart. Can I just say? How about a gentle fart? Would you guys? Hey, how many people here would like to hear a squeezed fart?

Of course. All right. And your last but never the least, it literally labeled your standard fart. Wow. I don't know whose standard fart that is. That's a pretty powerful fart. Farts are awesome. Sorry, guys.

Wait, can I... We are back. can I just say we live in truly amazing times. Never before 2016 could a simple boy like myself hear 9 to 12 very distinct

beautiful farts. Had you been in the women's room five minutes ago, you would have heard her letting one rip. She came back from the bathroom, people. Come on. You could just do farts all day. I could have a podcast. Instead of this podcast, we could do in front of a live audience, an hour

and a half long podcast of me going, how about wet fart? There you go. Have you ever taken a shit and then farted at the same time and it blows the shit up? We let you do your sound effects. You don't get to just do your fart, poop, shit jokes. Suicide bomber poop.

This is Brian working out a new minute of his stand-up live in front of you right now. Poop, poop, shit, fart, fart, fart, energy, fart, fart. So, Gary, let's get into it. You fucking killed. You have a good look. How long have you been in Los Angeles? Three years now. Three years.

I just want to say as a fellow light-skinned dude, I'm very proud of everything you did. Also, well-dressed. He well-dressed. Brian, no slave music. What did I tell you about playing slave? Just because we're a free podcast doesn't mean we can get away with that shit. They're never going to make us into a TV show if you keep...

Too edgy. Maz with the laugh of truth on that one. I like that you called it slave music and it's just a negro spiritual. Well, I mean... The slaves are crying. He's a white guy. That's what it is. It's slave music.

I thought that's what it is when black men were singing. Isn't that what the old P. Diddy does? The old slave music? His ancestors told him. They passed it down. This is slave music. By the way, which reminds me, I'm going to toot my own horn. Saturday night, I met Kanye West.

Did you? Yeah. There's a celebrity story. What was that slave like? I said, I called him a genius, and I bowed in front of him. I go, you are a genius, sir. And he laughed and said, and you are the host of Kill Tony, and I love that show.

And so shout out to Kanye West, who listens to every episode. show. And so shout out to Kanye West who listens to every episode. Jesus Christ Almighty is what I call him. But Kerry, let's get back into it. What do you do for work, buddy? I work at Tom's. You work at Tom's? I'm a financial analyst. At the shoe place? Yeah.

Tom's? You're a financial analyst for the place that basically gives shoes away? Yeah. Where you're just like, we should stop half of the stuff we do and we'll make more money. Wait, these guys give away shoes? What's Tom's? Isn't it like you pay 10 and another person gets them or something?

It's called one for one is the motto, so every time somebody buys a pair of shoes from us, we give a pair of shoes to people in need. To slaves. So Gary, you might literally be out of all the financial analysts, you might be working for one of the companies that notoriously just gives the house away, sort of, right? Yeah, pretty much. How'd you end up with that job?

A recruiter called me. So, were you like a financial analyst before that? Yeah. Then you said, Tom's would like a financial analyst. Were you like, I mean, I guess I only have to do half the work so sure the crazy part was when i got the i was a financial analyst at another company and then i had just got a raise from them and i was like all right i'm good and then toms gave me the offer and i was like i don't know if i want to take it because it was half i want to do comedy but then i came here to the comedy store and there's literally

a toms flag like up in the main office in the original room. And I was like, alright, I guess it's a sign. They'll give me more money I should take. No, it was literally a sign. It was just a Tom's sign. That's true. You read too much into it. Gary, how long have you been dating this girl? This farting princess.

Two years. Two and a half years. two and a half years. Two and a half years. Brian, seriously, please. I'm begging you. We did it. We covered it. Did she really fart in front of you and everything like that? Yeah, they squeak out. Do you fart in front of her?

Do you fart in front of her? You fart and let her smell it and that's all good? Oh, yeah. Does she call you Uncle Tom's? No. Ah. Yeah. Yo, that's my boy, Fatty Reagan, with that semi-quasi-racist stuff right there. Yeah.

Gary, tell us something else interesting about you. What else? Any fun habits or hobbies or anything like that? You hoop? I do play ball. This is something that happened today. I was working on a script about Black Wall Street for like the past year, and then it was announced today that John Legend and his production company

just inked a deal on a Black Wall Street show. Really? Oh, there you go. That's some bullshit. Wait a minute. What kind of financial analysis are you doing that you're working on a script? How much free time do you have at Tom's? A ton.

Like you said, I only got to do half the work. So, is there a big scene of black people on Wall Street that we don't know about? No, Black Wall Street. Are you talking about Tulsa? In the early 1900s, in Tulsa. Was it Tulsa? It was Tulsa, Oklahoma. In Tulsa, Oklahoma in Tulsa, but was it Tulsa? It was Tulsa, Oklahoma.

In Tulsa, Oklahoma, there was a black Wall Street. It was one of the most financially successful places in America. And then a bunch of white people got mad, came in, burned every business to the ground, and then killed over 300 people. Who's clapping for that? Somebody just clapped under the table. Who's clapping for that? Somebody just clapped under the table. How come they never taught us this shit in school? I never learned it.

Well, I mean, they did, but you never taught African-Americans. Black people are smart and fiscally responsible. Why did that never come across? So you're saying that Wall Street in New York first started in Tulsa and they stole that idea and took it to New York? No.

Two completely separate things. But this was a completely black-owned entire neighborhood. I mean, like 600 businesses. Huge, fully self-functioning. And then there was one incident that fucking caused the whole race riot and then the white people burned it down. What page were you on when you found out that John Legend is doing the series? I'm on page like 40. Page 40? Yeah. Shit.

Tony, you better speed it. We can produce that shit before John Legend gets to it. Yeah, I think if we hustle up on it, then maybe we can get something done. Gary? John Legend has a podcast now called Kill Tony, Tony, Tony.

That's funny Man Gary that's a tough situation So did you Look into the article is John You know developing it is it already Written do you know how far along they are It doesn't look like it's already written They just inked a deal with WGN

This is when you put the pressure on, man. If you're into that and you already have 40 pages knocked out, I hit them up on Twitter, Instagram, the this, the that. I take every pathetic approach that there is. Because at the end of the day, if you have 40 pages

and anything's of any help to them, then fuck it. I mean, that's the crazy way that you get actual work is by having work already done. Unless he gets jealous of your script and then burns those 40 pages. And then he's just going to steal it from you. You could just get in touch and be like, yo, I want to give you some Tom shoes because somebody just bought a pair.

So you get a free pair and then go to deliver it and be like, oh, what's this script that just fell out of my backpack? And then go from there, man. Tony, what's this third of a script I have on me? Tony, I think John Legend's here. I was going to do it, but then he did the slave thing. Yeah, for the seventh time in a row without it working correctly.

That's John Legend, by the way. Is it really? Is that the Roll Jordan roll? He's going to play it again now that you said the name. I love my slave music. He went to the Tony Tone Tone reference from two and a half minutes ago. Gary,

it was nice to meet you, dude. Anything else? Anything else? Is your girlfriend white, yes or no? No. And have you had sex during her period, actually? I have. You have?

Yeah. Well, I guess, no, not. Yeah, we have. You had sex with her period in the bed or you went to the shower? In the bed. We laid a towel down. Wow.

A little chocolate-covered cherry, huh? Nicely done, son. Playing the cool game, you know what I mean? Nicely done. I have a question now. I was going to let you go, but then all of a sudden you and Yasser did something that blew my white, innocent mind. I want to know why you guys

fist bumped after he asked if it was a white girl and you said no and you both put your fists up at the same time. You're on theic stand or something like that like about to go like that all the way but what happened there why is that a pro why is that a thing well i would say is two black men in la uh there are not many black women north of wilshire so if you found a black girl to date for two and a half years it's quite did you find her north of wilshire south of Wilshire. So if you found a black girl to date for two and a half years, it's quite a big couple. Did you find her north of Wilshire or south of Wilshire? Actually, I did. I found her not too far from here.

Wow. On Sunset. Post-op. Oh my goodness. Again. Where'd you meet her at? Unfortunately, it was Saddle Ranch. Whoa. It's not that bad. We found love in a hopeless place.

You could have found her at the KFC a few doors down, so I'm glad it was Saddle Ranch. Man, Saddle Ranch. So you're hanging out with your friends. She's hanging out with hers. You see her. What do you say? It was a friend's birthday brunch. Ew, a birthday brunch at Saddle Ranch?

Yeah. What kind of friends do you have another black question uh have you had the cornbread at saddle ranch of course my god what's going on here actually this is crazy shit fun fact for you all i also have had the cornbread at Saddle Ranch. It's good. Yo, man, Black Lives Matter, right? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah, my dog. Spike Lee.

Yeah. I was just saying every black thing I know. 20 years ago. Yo, Tony. I love that Black Lives Matter happened after cornbread. Yeah, Jeremiah. Never mind. Time is everything, dog.

Yes, it really is. And I love that you know when to abandon ship and when not to. All right, Gary, that's it. Gary Curtis, he did it, everybody. There he goes. He's on Twitter at GKurtCSB. I don't even know what song that is We're almost there Actually, you know, me and Gary met

And we were like waiting to pay for a meter I didn't know he was going to go up I'm very glad he did This is like serious black on black love here, man Well, I think it might Be about ready To pick up I might be wrong But I'm pretty good at pre-analyzing

names that I haven't seen before when they're written on paper. This is episode 170. All right, you're at episode, no, wait, think. Josh, where are we? He doesn't know, but we're around episode 170. 170 hour and a half long episodes. Now, every single time, sure, save your energy. I think you might need it in a second. Now when you pull names out of the bucket, you start to get a little bit more of a vibe for every time you see a name and the writing and the handwriting and what it's written with,

you start to get a better vibe for what you're in for. I get the feeling that by the name and the all capital letter handwriting and the fact that they wrote over their name a couple times to just make sure it was dark enough. I'm picking up on what might be a very entertaining person. So I want you to open your minds and put your hands together. This is definitely their first time on the show.

For Aphrodite. Thank you. their first time on the show. For Aphrodite. Woo! Those two left. Hey now, hey now. I want to talk a little bit about the problem with police brutality toward black people and what some white people have to say about it. And we have this lady on location. We have someone that's going to let her talk. She seems to be boiling over to say something about the situation.

So we're going to go to her. Her name is Becky Rivers. What do you have to say something about the situation. So we're going to go to her. Her name is Becky Rivers. What do you have to say? It's Becky Ann Rivers, okay? And I'd just like to tell y'all that if y'all's black people, you black Negroid people, if you would just listen to the police when they pull

y'alls over, this wouldn't be happening. I mean, my mama said that all the black nigger people are angry, and I don't understand why. I mean, we brought you over on the boat. We let you have a good time, and then you're just complaining the whole time since we brought you over here, and we don't understand it. Becky Ann, why do you have to call black people negroids?

Well, that's what my mom said, that you're all Negroids and that you really don't know how good you have it here in America. Let us white people tell you how good you have it here. Alright. Aphrodite. Fuck yeah, very good.

Yasser Lester, our senior black correspondent. Here we are checking in with Yasser Lester. If I may start. Don't talk about my ass. I'm not. I was going to talk about the fact, number one, that you're wearing lugs, which is the craziest thing for someone the best. Can we do any other sound other than that?

He's wearing lugs. Like Fat Joe in 1998 wore lugs. Aphrodite. Also, every time she said nigroid, these two brothers over here just took the biggest size I've ever seen. They didn't know they were nigroids. You were like, nigroid. That's what both of them were like. Am I allowed to say that word?

Probably not, right? Okay, very good. The word, Negroid. I just saw both of them. Am I allowed to say that word? Probably not, right? Okay, very good. The word is Negroid. But she added an I to make it worse. Aphrodite, you have a lot of big features about you. Let's get into it. Let's get into it, shall we? All right. Aphrodite. How long have you been doing comedy? Let's get into it. Shall we?

Aphrodite. How long have you been doing comedy? Tell the truth. Since the other night. You just started. Aphrodite, one of the newest comedians. Actually, I did it 20 years ago. Once, right?

No, actually, I horrified people for weeks at a time. Weeks at a time. And then what happened? I just gave it up because I love singing. What do you like to sing? A little bit of everything. I'm actually a recording artist. You're a recording artist?

Yeah. Fuck yeah. I like your style. Do you always put your lipstick on your teeth or is that an accident? No. I'm just looking for a freaky white boy to come lick it off. You know what I'm saying? Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Go, Tony. Tony, Tony, Tony has done it again. Lick the lipstick off her teeth. Lick the lipstick off her teeth. Tony, Tony,

go, Tony. It's your birthday. It is not my birthday. Not your birthday. You better keep looking Aphrodite. It could be your birthday baby. And by that he means a mirror when you put lipstick on.

So you don't make that mistake again. Break me into so many pieces. I wouldn't even know where to begin with. And even at 60 years old honey. You're 60? I'm 60. Oh, my gosh.

Holy shit. Way to go. You're almost as old as the actual Aphrodite. That's right. That's right. But guess what? My ass is very youthful. It is?

Yes. Jesus Christ. Do you say it's youthful? Are you saying that because you're wearing a diaper right now? No, no, no. I can make this bad boy move, okay? What's that? I can make this bad boy move.

I think what we need to do is have a twerk off so we know. Oh, shit. Jeremiah, you go first. Get the twerk. Jeremiah. Oh, oh, oh. He has to put his sax on Here we go

Twerk Twerk Twerk And play Twerk And play Your first twerker Jeremiah Watkins

Ladies and gentlemen Twerk Get to work Twerk Twerk Wow Yeah Twerk. Wow. Yeah. Don't fuck.

And this is real ass. You know, this ain't none of that 995 ass that people be going by. 995 ass? Yeah. We'll twerk for food. Well, let me. Nice. My, uh.

And by that, she has twerked a lot. Well, I would like to say that my mom. My mom. My mom. My mom is. For those of you that missed it, by the way, Maz said, we'll twerk for food. And Jeremiah said, by the looks of it, she's been twerking a lot.

Yes, baby. It's a lot of food in my refrigerator at home. Too good to be true. It's a lot of food. Yes or Lester, you're about to say something about your mom, who if you're about to admit is Afro-tidy right now. That's a lot of food. Yes, sir. Lester, you're about to say something about your mom who, if you're about to admit is Afro diet, you're tidy right now. I was going to say my mom just turned 56 years old. And, uh, if I find out in four years, she just did what you just did. I will kill myself. Get ready to die, baby. Get ready. Get ready.

Aphrodite. You have any kids? No, I don't like men that much. I like them a lot, but not that much. Who are you? You're into the ladies? Hell no, I hate a bitch. Hell no. I hate women. You hate women? I hate the bitches.

Why do you hate them? They're always keeping up some shit. What's wrong with half of them? They haven't been laid since 1902. That's what's wrong I hate the bitches. Why do you hate them? They're always keeping up some shit. What's wrong with half of them? They haven't been laid since 1902. That's what's wrong with half the bitches. Ooh. 1902. Really?

They're going to church, and they're coming home to dry pussies. That's what's wrong with the bitches. Oh, shit. Aphrodite. That's your act. That's your act. As in the dry pussies are their roommates? No.

They don't even know what to do with them anymore. They haven't used them in so long, they don't even know what they are anymore. And these women are from 1902? Yeah. That usually means they have dry pussies. I think you're right. Aphrodite, let's say I take you back to my place tonight.

What's the first move you pull on me? What's your first base? What's your first move? I pull out a pen, make your ass write a check, motherfucker. What? What'd your first move? I pull out a pen, make your ass write a check, motherfucker. What? What'd she say? Yes. What'd she do with the pen?

That's what I do. Wait a second. You said you'll pull out a pen and make my ass write a check? That's right. Like you're going to put the pen in my ass and then make me sort of like just like lean over or something? Same thing I did to Donald Trump's ass. Same thing I did to him. Wait.

Now, that could either mean one of two things. That A, you're going to stick a pen up my ass. Yeah. You know you white people like it freaky. Okay. Do you actually accept checks? What? Do you accept checks?

Hell no. Well, cash only. Not from white people. Have you ever been with a white man before? No. No? No No Really? Do you wanna be? In another life on the plantation

I know they ruled my ass a lot I'm sure they did But in this life I haven't fucked any white men Is Zachary Stein still here? This guy paid 140 bucks For a black hooker last night And I don't believe his dick is big Zachary Stein where are you? Come on Zach I paid $140 for a black hooker last night. I don't believe his dick is big. I don't believe it at all.

Zachary Stein, where are you? Come on, Zach. We got a privacy curtain right here. Will somebody go try to find Zachary Stein wherever the fuck he is? I don't trust you guys. What dark corner is he mumbling in? What's his name? There's no better way to...

Zach Stein. Yeah, Zach Stein. His name is Stein? Yeah Necronomicon in Give me a beat Bring that motherfucker out Oh shit

Here we go Here she goes Aphrodite getting into it Come on Get your hands up Get, get, get, get, get, get Get your hands up I said Stein

Bring your ass out here right now Stein Bring your big dick ass out here I wanna see I'm from the show me state. Hey, I don't believe a damn thing until I see it for myself. My ass is real. I got sex appeal. And I'm waiting for anybody in this audience.

Try me out now. It's all right. Fuck yeah. It's time. Bring your ass out right now. It's all right. Fuck yeah. The new leader.

Look at that. The new leader of Reagan and Watkins. Meet your new band leader, Aphrodite. All right. It's like a fucked up Tina Turner. Aphrodite and her new sex slaves. I'm trying to get white people some soul in my lifetime. That was amazing.

You're like Alabama milkshakes. Really good one. I like chocolate with big nuts. If you're not dying at that, Google Alabama shakes when you get home. Remember the sound that you heard here. That's right, man. That's right. Back to Brian.

I found another reason to go back to his fart app. The reason I don't believe Stein has a big dick is because I dated a man with a big dick, and he just didn't look like he had a big dick up here. He looked like he had some kind of towels or something rolled up in his pants. Oh, Zach. Talking shit. Aphrod pants. Oh, Zach. Fucking shit. Aphrodite. Aphrodite. I like the idea of Zachary Stein being like,

okay, I'm going out. I got to wrap my dick in towels. So everyone thinks it's gigantic and I'm going to go do some comedy. That is so fun. Aphrodite, what else about you? Single right now? Married? What's your deal? I'm single and I'm dealing with a luscious black man who has a big dick. That was a wet fart if you're wondering.

He's amazing. He's my religion. He's saving me. Damn. I'm going to join his church. How old is he? I feel like he's 35. He's eight years younger than me.

52. Yeah. Wow. Good for you. Younger men. I usually date much younger guys. You should eight years younger than me. 52. Yeah. Wow. Good for you. Younger men. I usually date much younger guys. You should totally.

You should totally. She should totally get with Zach. But he's got a great body and a great dick. What can I say? He does. What does he do for work? I mean, you can't pass up that good of an offer. He's an actor. He's a bodybuilder.

He's a personal trainer. Wow. Big wheels keep on turning. I'm thinking of Tina Turner, right? But I caught him watching my ass, so I knew it was up. Aphrodite, how do you make a living? Well, actually, I'm going back to work now as a singer. I've been

going through surgery. Believe it or not, I had both hips replaced. My bones had deteriorated in both hips. I sing with a band called Breakersfield. We're a funk and soul band. Been all over the world together. Breakersfield? Breakestra. B-R-E-A-K-E-S-T-R-A. We're on YouTube and all of that. I love that. And I'm also

working with a group called Jungle Fire, some Latin funk guys, and we're going to do the Ford Theater next month. Holy shit. So I'm going back to work finally after getting my ass cut wide open. Well, congratulations. It's amazing what they can do for you. I had 20 staples on this side and 17 on this side.

Wow, you're like the staple center. And I almost did a felony in the hospital because this lady wouldn't let me sleep. Say that again? I almost did a felony in the hospital because this lady wouldn't let me sleep. Oh, yeah? What'd you almost do? Well, I had a little thing of cinnamon because their seasoning is not that good. A thing of what?

Cinnamon. Cinnamon. I bring spices to the hospital because the food sucks. Oh, the actual spice. I thought you were talking about your cousin. I'm black, man. What can I tell you? You don't know my cousin Cinnamon Dighty? That's right. Cinnamon Jones.

You know what I'm saying? You know who sits the spice? I bring garlic and onion powder and all of that so that I don't go crazy over the food and stuff. I got my friends paprika, oregano. That's right. Garlic and onion powder and all of that so that I don't go crazy over the food and stuff. I got my friends paprika, oregano. That's right.

My last name is Lowry. She wouldn't let me sleep, so my mind told me to throw the cinnamon bottle at her head if she pulled the curtain back one more time. Oh, shit. My mind said, okay, if the bitch pulls the curtain back one more fucking time, I'm going to crack her in her fucking dome. Your mind was telling you no, but your body was telling you yes. No, but my body. My body. I think I hit the note better than you did on that one.

I got to keep it realsies. I feel like she has one note. Dying from getting killed by cinnamon would be a very interesting and a tasty way to die. I was murdered by a woman named Aphrodite. But I changed my mind because, you know, they never believe you in court if you're black. So if I told them that she was aggravating me and I cracked her in her dome, you know. You know, I learned something today about Wilshire Boulevard. So let me ask you this, Aphrodite.

How far south of Wilshire do you live? I live in the hood Where it's all good And you can put that on your hood every day Okay? That's the black wave saying A horrible part of town That's what? A black wave what?

That's the black wave saying I live in a horrible part of town No I actually got a great place in South Central. I've been there over three years. I was homeless before that, believe it or not. And I sang at the Shelton. I believe it.

I live in... We'll twerk for food. I live in South Central, too. Unfortunately. I'm for South, man. South Central, West Hollywood. Oh, yeah. I know.

So, Aphrodite. Man, I feel like I could fucking talk to you all night. It's sort of disappointing. It's just going to cost your ass. What? You said all night. I don't talk all night for fucking free. You know what I'm saying? Man, you want to charge me money to hang out.

I need money, motherfucker. Did you intend to come to the comedy show tonight, or were you just walking the streets? What I love is that the first girl didn't even know she was on the show, and Aphrodite is just owning it. Going into songs and shit like it's nothing. He was walking by the club. He was like, I'll go work this club for a minute. Just walked in. Hell yeah.

Buy me a man and give me some cash. Maybe they could be a two-person troupe. See, that's why they don't put old people on the show, because we talk too fucking much. No, I like it, Aphrodite. You're interesting as fuck. I'm going to be sexy to the end. Fuck bullshit. What? I'm going to be sexy to the end. I think there's some real, you know, if we want

to get into your comedy at all, like, I mean, the race issues, you know, that's always going to be a little bit tough, because it's like... It's alright, I'm black. It's a hard subject, but your hatred for women is entertaining. That's where you gotta go. Yeah. What's the you ever get into a cat fight before?

Say hey what? You ever get into a fight with another girl? No I don't fight bitch I shoot the shit out of a hoe. You shoot hoes? Aphrodite. I wish I would get out there and swing on a bitch when I can shoot the bitch first. That's the name of your special. Her special is called I Shoot Hoes.

My grandmother was packing. She didn't play. She'd shoot the shit out of you. She'd tell my daddy, Junior, I'll shoot you right between the eyes, Junior. Did she ever shoot anybody? My grandmother had a pistol. But did she ever shoot anybody? No, because they knew not to fuck with her.

Interesting. Tony, I'm starting to think that Aphrodite is just Martin Lawrence in drag. Hey, who got the weed up in this motherfucker? Oh, wow. There we go. Aphrodite, I think I just saw a couple of staples fall out of your skirt.

There she goes, everybody. Aphrodite! You met her here on Kill Tony. Thank you! Aphrodite still talking into the microphone. 60 seconds after I let her go. Thank you, baby. There she goes, Aphrodite,

everybody. You met her here on Kill Tony, her first appearance ever. Please she goes, Aphrodite, everybody. You met her here on Kill Tony, her first appearance ever. Please come back, Aphrodite. Don't let that be the last. Lafrodite. Lafrodite. There she goes. Please don't fall down those stairs.

Aphrodite is on Twitter. I know what you're wondering. How do I spell that? A-F-R-O-D-y-e-t-e she double bolded it just to make sure that you know how to spell it at afrodite d-y-e-t-e d-y-e-t-e all right now what's cool about this show is that uh we pull names out of a bucket but every single week we have one regular that does a brand new 60 seconds now a lot of you have been asking about Melissa Esslinger, and let me just cover it real quick.

She's taking a break from the show. It might be temporary. It might be longer. It's a hard struggle to do stand-up and to write a new minute every single week, and we take chances with people, and it's a very hard thing to do, and we sort of liked her for her, you know, I don't get it nervousness, and it sort of backfired over and over and over again. So we're just taking a break from

Melissa Esslinger so you can stop tweeting and asking me what happened to Melissa Esslinger. She's going to be signing up for the bucket with the rest of the comedians very soon. So there you go. Melissa, if you're listening, we still love you. By the way, and you hear some people laughing.

It's like a joke to them. By the way, I sort you know, I hear some people, like, laughing. Like, I'm like, like, it's like a joke to them. But, I mean, you know, by the way, I sort of take that as a loss and, like, a tough situation because, you know, I wanted the best and I wanted everything to work out. But it just sort of doesn't sometimes. So was she demoted? Is that what happened? I would call it a little bit more than that, a little bit more than a demotion. She sort of doesn't have a regular spot on a show every week anymore. There you go. Obviously

a long time listener and we also found the guy that was clapping under the table for the Black Wall Street thing. There you are, you motherfucker. Alright. So with no further ado, we do still have one regular who does maintain the position of one of the hardest

jobs in all of comedy, writing and performing a brand new 60 Seconds position of one of the hardest jobs in all of comedy, writing and performing a brand new 60 Seconds every single week of the year. With another new minute, put your hands together for Vanessa Johnston. Oh, thank you. Got what I need. Just say you've got a friend. Hi, guys. Hi.

Who here hasn been fired? Try to fire yourself. No, it's one person in a sea of comics. Oh, okay. Okay, I believe that. You know when you get fired and it comes as a shock to you because you're smarter than your boss? You're like, you're going to fire me?

That's not possible, dude. I already fired you. I decided that your dumb ass was my boss the second week of working here. So at this point, you just say whatever. You just don't care. You're like, listen, I don't care about you or your family. All I know is your wife's name is cunt.

And that she ate the last piece of chicken at the company holiday party honestly this coffee maker could break and choke on a bean I don't give a fuck so you give up you go back to your desk in your little civil chair

you make the chair go up and down because that's the only control you have in life you're like I can make it go as high as I want as low as I want I'm like the CEO of this chair. It's actually really funny. Yeah. Fun fact, I literally only work in an office officially in any capacity annually for one week from 10 a.m.

until 10 p.m. during the week of the taping of the Comedy Central roast. I help write for the celebrities on the roast. Today was my first day doing that office job and I indeed spent a lot of the day doing that on the chair.

That is one of the interesting things. You lift up the weight. You lift up the thing. It goes and it comes back up. I sit down and I put it back down. I spin around over and over again thinking about these fucking dumb ass celebrities that I have to make fun of. And I just keep doing it over and over again. So I can actually relate to the weird chair thing.

That technology is amazing. I wonder if it happened because there was a guy at a meeting and there was a dude that was just too tall for the chair and he was like, how could I bring that shit down? Exactly. And some dude was like, that's fucking amazing. You know what? I actually know who invented that

chair. It was Aphrodite. I bet. Believe it or not. She sat and it became a swivel chair. By the way, Vanessa, your words are kind of garbled. Coming from the guy who's garbling his fucking words. Nice. Now you're talking. Vanessa, you sound like a female Arnold Schwarzenegger.

It is a little hard to understand certain times. Is that just how the way you talk Or was that like on stage Did you grow up around New York City detectives Fire back Vanessa Don't let them do that to you When somebody says you sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger You have to fire back

You know what I mean Look at that fucking loser You look like a mop This is your training ground Vanessa You can let it rip. No, I'm not going to give him more stage time. Can you do like, say, Unique New York. Unique New York.

Yeah, Unique New York. We just had Unique New York up here. I don't know. Unique New York. I love New York. She left a bunch of lipstick. There's lipstick on the microphone. Is there really?

That's not mine, though. That's from Aphrodite. Trust me, we know it's from Aphrodite. Aphrodite left lipstick everywhere up here. The stage used to be white before she was on it. That's cool. Well, Vanessa, what else is going on in the world? Did you really get fired?

This was a couple jobs ago. But I... Whoa. Oh, it's Brian. Is he Mike? Oh, hey. Brian with the old classic oh my god this kid that's fine

there you go alright back to the show can you imagine Red Band like pitching a show to no I can't that's why I don't let them take any part of the pitching of this podcast into a TV show. Just waiting until we actually make it into a TV show. And I'm going to go, yo, dude, we're making a show.

Be on your best fucking behavior. And I hope he's ready for that when that happens. Because, yeah, he definitely couldn't. Oh, hey, Brian. How'd it go in there? I didn't notice anything. It all came out. So did you get fired or are you just riff? A couple of jobs ago.

Yeah, you've been fired before. I experienced that same sort of boss dynamic where it's like you don't know what you're doing. What was the job? Well, I worked at a, I was like a manager of a restaurant bar thing by accident

and then I got You took the job by accident? By accident? What happened? You applied, went on multiple interviews, and then got a paycheck. You signed up. They gave me a different job. You signed up on the front patio of the comedy store.

Wait, how did... No, but how did you end up... Yeah, managing is a big... Like, how did that happen accidentally then? Zachary Stein got referred to be a manager, so who knows? I really wanted to be a waiter since I was 12,

and my dad wouldn't let me. My whole life I've wanted to be a waiter. That is so adorable. That is hilarious. All my life I always wanted to be a waiter. Were you like a fan of the TV show Alice? Is that dated? It's like the opposite of the beginning of Goodfellas.

All my life, I knew I always wanted to be a waiter. So what happened? What's your dream? I love giving sodas to the people. And various chicken sandwiches. Did you ever get to do it? No. No one's ever hired me to be a waiter.

She went to interview and they made her a manager. And they gave me a manager. It was so annoying. Oh, no. And then everyone left the place and so I was running it by myself. It was like a five star, five diamond place. It was in Beverly Hills.

And then the new manager came in and I was controlling everything and got mad and was like, fuck you. Oh, I love that Cheesecake Factory. What was the restaurant? I mean, I'm not going to, you know. You've been fired. Just say it.

I mean, we should all know what restaurant. I strongly... You can just walk in and just get, we should all know what restaurant. I strongly. You can just walk in and just get a manager's position. Yeah, and I strongly doubt they're going to listen to this show and then come and take legal action against you. We here at Spago. My sister works at Spago. She's a waitress? No, she's a chef.

Oh, I was about to say that. Bitch, you got the job that you wanted. What was the restaurant? Scarpetta. Well, it was the Montage Beverly Hills. Yeah, it's a good restaurant. You just messed up. My dad owns that restaurant.

Alright. Well, Vanessa, you threw out a new minute out there. You were talking about stuff that people can relate to. Getting fired. Talking about the swivel chair. And a good moment of crowd work when she said, who's been fired? And they all lied and nobody clapped.

And she's like, really? A bunch of comics? None of you have been fired? I can't believe two guys with tank tops sitting next to each other have never been fired from a job. Definitely. Yeah. That guy's looking. He doesn't think you're talking about him.

These guys are rolling in. Our jobs are being swole, and we've never been fired. Couple of guys. It's so funny. I've been starring in Teen Wolf for the past six years. Uh-oh, there he is, Conspiracy Pat. So, fuck yeah, Vanessa, you did it again. I'd love to see you blast Pat sometimes, because it seems like every Monday he talks a little bit of again. I'd love to see you blast Pat sometimes

because it seems like every Monday he talks a little bit of shit. I think we all like to see her blast Pat. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Jeremiah, blast isn't a sexual maneuver that a woman can do to another man. I think she's just trying to avoid looking at them.

Like, these two. Let me just look over here. She does treat them like they're like idiot little brothers or something like that. It's like Lenny and Squiggy over there. That seems like a kid who has a crush. He's just like, you're stupid. Yeah, exactly. She's just like, I don't care.

You look ugly and poor. All right. Vanessa, great stuff. Another new minute from Vanessa Johnston, ladies and gentlemen. Twitter and Instagram at Vanessa Johnstew. T-O-O at the end of that. My dream was to be a waiter, but I became a manager. All right, everybody.

Let's just get into the end of it, shall we? Watkins and Reagan were the band tonight. How about that? Yeah, guys. You can follow me on social media, at JeremiahStandUp. I'm in a movie with Yasser Lester on Video On Demand called The Bet. Yasser shaking his head no. I saw it.

I liked it. I went to the premiere. Yeah, you did. Did you go to the premiere of The Bet? Yasser didn't even attend his own premiere. I saw it. I liked it. I went to the premiere. Yay, baby. You went to the premiere of The Bet? Yasser didn't even attend his own premiere. I was in New York. I know. I'm just kidding.

Jeremiah, get the rest of your plugs out there, you machine. Okay. And the goddamn Comedy Jam airs this Sunday on Comedy Central and MTV after the VMAs. So watch it. Pat Reagan. Patty Reagan on Twitter. What else? Listen to my music and watch the Eric Andre show every Friday at midnight.

Pat is one of the main writers on the Eric Andre show. Joel Jimenez is on Twitter at Mostly Sorry. Always hilarious. You were on fucking point all night tonight. Absolutely love the live dynamic you bring to the show. Joel Jimenez, one of my new favorite people on the fucking planet. Look at tonight's drawing, everybody. That's Ryan J. E. Belt.

That's amazing. He draws that. Those prints are all available at ryanjebelt.com. All those proceeds go to Ryan J. E. Belt. And also the official Kill Tony poster. Check that out. Hey, that's the only piece of merch available. I didn't, we still haven't made that part of our set yet,

but that'll be here next week. We're getting that framed on a non-reflective frame so that you can see it every episode and buy one, you cheap fucks. Yasser Lester, what's going on? Nothing. On Twitter at Yasser Lester,

Y-A-S-S-I-R-L-E-S-T-E-R. Him and I started together nine years ago. I know. One of my favorite, truly hilarious people. Literally one of the funniest and most brilliant comedians, writers, whatever you want to say. Tony is brilliant, and I'm so glad you guys are coming. Thank you. Yasser is as well.

He's in New York City absolutely killing it. We all started together. Me, him, Gerard, Willie Hunter, Jeremiah, a bunch of fucking beasts. Yasser is being modest. Jamar beasts. You have a show coming out in the fall, right? In spring. He's got his own show coming out in the spring, everybody. What's it coming out on, Yasser? Tell us now.

It's coming out on Fox. Fox! I think I've heard of that. You're in the NFL? Yeah, yeah. Super Bowl. What are you, the new light-skinned Simpsons or something like that? Kind of, I'm the new light-skinned friend But it comes on after the Simpsons You have a name for it?

Yeah, it's called Making History Guys, my pal that I started with Has his own show after the Simpsons I have my own show After they show videos In the fucking main room He's a follow in the fucking main room. He's a follow in the Simpsons.

Maz Jabrani, one of the greats, ladies and gentlemen. You're making me feel old, Tony. You guys, you young kids. Pelvis. Pelvis. Persian Elvis, otherwise known as Pelvis. No, this was fun, man. I told my wife I had to leave the house. She was a little upset, but hopefully she doesn't listen to this to see what I was doing.

But, yeah, I got my specials just came out on Netflix. Check it out. I'm not a terrorist, but I played one on TV. I'm not a terrorist, but I play one on TV on Netflix, our favorite network in the world. The number one way to consume visual audio products is by Netflix. I mean, other than, of course, DeathSquad.TV, where you could watch all your Kill Tonys. to consume visual audio products is by Netflix. I mean, other than, of course, DeathSquad.TV,

where you could watch all your Kill Tonys. Have fun. Live audience, what can I say other than thank you? We'll see you on the front patio if you want to say hello. Have a good night, everybody.

Take care. Good night. Good night. Thank you. and try and I left a little something to help the time go by you you