KILL TONY - KILL TONY #172

Episode Date: September 14, 2016

Doug Benson, Jerron Horton, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Jeremiah Watkins, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 08/29/2016 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This is Kill Tony. Kill Tony and all the podcasts we do here can be found on our website, deathsquad.tv. There we have video portions to the podcast that we have by going to deathsquad.tv and clicking on videos. And then if you want to see all the tour dates we have, you can click on tour dates. We film Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood, California. And then every Tuesday, we have the Roast Battle, which is the verbal violence podcast here at Death Squad.

And every first and third Friday, we have the secret show at the Pasadena Ice House. You can go to DeathSquad.TV, click on tour dates. Also, don't forget ShopSquad.TV, the official Death Squad merchandise. There you have Death Squad hats and T-shirts, and they're all very, very limited edition. So if you want it, you better get it now because they're almost all sold out. So go to ShopSquad.TV. Tony Hinchcliffe has a website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has all his tour dates.

He also has his merchandise. And check out Ryan J. Ebelt,belt the house artist he draws every episode he also made the poster go to ryan j ebelt dot com and last but not least we are going to be at this year's la pod fest and we are doing a live kill tony on september 23rd here in beverly hills cal California. So if you want to be a part of it, go to LAPodFest.com and click on all the different links there. You can get tickets. You can also watch it live. And if you use the password DeathSquad, you get some money off of that. Go to LAPodFest.com for all the information. All right, guys. Don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes, and this is a brand-new episode right here of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Brandon from the Alive from the World's Famous Comedy Store for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony Volume 4. Give it up for Tony Hinch. Hello, everybody. Hello. Oh, my goodness. Feel that energy? Feels good in here.

That's bright. I like this. You guys ready for a crazy Monday night or what? I like it like this. I can feel the energy here tonight. There's like an extra light on or something. It feels good. Is it that back neon?

Is that normally on? I think this light's usually not so bright. Wow. I think we got... Put your hands together for new light bulbs at the Comedy Store, ladies and gentlemen. They perform here so often that it's a noticeable difference when they replace the light bulbs from 1972. It's good to be here.

A lot of fun things that we have to promote right at the top of the show. We're doing the L.A. Podfest. This podcast that you're at, ladies and gentlemen, Kill Tony, is doing the L.A. Podfest. When are those dates? It's next month. I think it's the 20th. We're doing the Friday show. It's Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I think it's the 23rd, maybe.

But it's next month. You can go to lapodfest.com for tickets. And we're picking people out who perform on Kill Tony to come with us so we're going to pick like 5 or 7 people or something like that so be a new interesting person and sign up for the show

and I'm doing Boston's Wilbur Theater October 8th that's a really big deal if you're listening to live podcast streaming right now, Boston that's where I'll be October 8th in Chicago's a really big deal if you're listening to a live podcast streaming right now, Boston. That's where I'll be October 8th. In Chicago this Friday, Detroit Saturday, and Toronto Sunday with the Oddball Comedy Fest this weekend. So if you're listening live there, why not come out and see me and a bunch of funny people at the Oddball something, oddballcomedyfest.com, something like that.

Hi, live audience. Welcome back from the promotion part of... You're at a live podcast. It gets weird for a second. I understand that it's weird for you, but for the people listening around the world, they get to see me. Like, I'm in Australia the last week of October

doing a one-man fucking tour headlining shows in Melbourne, Sydney, and Brisbane. How about that? Last week of October. So if you're listening from Australia, good day, mate, to you. We have Jamie Vernon on the HD camera. Put your hands together for him. Ryan J. Ebel drawing tonight's episode.

There he is, the house artist. All of his prints are available at ryanjebelt.com, including the movie poster that is the official Kill Tony merch. So find that all at ryanjabell.com. You guys ready to get into tonight's show or what, you motherfuckers? Here we go. Bring up the guests first. Awesome.

I will bring up the guests before we bring up the band. It seems like they are being delayed for some reason. So let's just do that. Every single week we have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. We always surprise you with who they could possibly be. This week's no different. Put your hands together for two of my favorite human beings in the world. Doug Benson and Jerron Horton.

Fuck yeah. We are live. Hi everybody. You guys are in it. What's up? Doug Benson's Periscope. I'm Perisc Hi, everybody. You guys are in it. What's up? Doug Benson's Periscope. I'm Periscoping, you guys. 285. Yeah, 285 human beings more.

Where should I tell them to go, Tony, so they can just watch it on the internet? DeathSquad.live. DeathSquad.live, fuckers. Yes, live streaming podcast. We are the number one. This show is about who's here right now. Make some noise. Or watching right now.

Have them come to Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world. Jerron, how are you? This is your first time on the show. Jerron, for you listeners that don't know, is one of my favorite human beings, one of the funniest comedians that has come up through the ranks here at the store. And he's a writer and performing on the new Showtime show. Yeah, that's good. Not only is he a writer for that, he's on it, you motherfucking bums.

Thank you, guys. Thank you so much. Thank you. And, of course, the return of the great Doug Benson, one of our favorite Kill Tony guests. Hey, everybody. Greatest human being. Taylor Rizzo's in the house.

Are you in the bowl? I'll recuse myself if you perform. I know that guy. Oh. Yeah, I'm only here for the people I haven't seen before. But real quick plug for me. Yeah. This Wednesday, August 31st,

or a couple, two, three weeks ago, if you're watching this later or listening to it later, is the premiere of my new. Whoa. I just hit a banana peel while sitting still. My new show, Pitch Off, on Screen Junkies Plus. You got to go to Screen Junkies Plus. Three or four people know what that is. And they're home of honest trailers and movie fights and lots of great shows. And that's where you can go to see my new show, Pitch Off.

Pitch Off. Pitch Off. Yeah. There's its jingle right there with Doug Benson. So is the band ready, Josh? Yes. No, you can't just say that. You're going to throw everything off.

I thought they were supposed to already be out here. Sound just like them. Yes, yes, get ready, yes. Josh Martin is opening up for Joe Rogan this weekend. How awesome is that? At a theater. Josh Martin doing theaters for the first time. What's this world coming to?

I love it. There might be a flying pig in the bucket tonight, everybody. Next week he's doing like 2, first time. What's this world coming to? I love it. He's doing like a flying pig in the bucket tonight. Everybody next week, he's doing like 2000 people. Yeah. Hello, everybody. Hey,

droopy dog. Is the band ready? I don't believe they are. Hey, Josh, is the band ready? Going up. Oh,

they are. They are. Yeah. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, always with a brand new, interesting entrance every week, somewhat topical, up. Oh, they are. They are ready? Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Ladies and gentlemen, always with a brand new, interesting entrance every week, somewhat topical, always interesting. One of my favorite bands in the world. It's the Kill Tony Band.

Pat Reagan and Joel Jimenez, ladies and gentlemen. I see miracles in every way. And I see miracles every day. Ocean's fangin' beyond my sight. And a million stars put up over that night. You don't have to be high to look in the sky. You know that's a miracle open wide.

Look at the mountains, trees, the sea. Whoop whoop! Fuck yeah! Yeah! Wow. What up, Tony, what up? I would almost call this a posse But there's only one of you Well Violent J, he's sharpening his hatchet backstage

You know, he's about to be out here Much clown love to all you Kill Tony fans Wow, it's such an honor to have you on the show Normally the entrance is somewhat topical Is the insane clown Clown Posse in the news or something? Yo, we always relevant, Tony. We always relevant. We stay relevant. Did they sell Faygo

and went with Diet Pepsi now, I see. Hey, we're on the West Coast. You know, we couldn't get the rights to Faygo. Diet Pepsi, what up? Shout out. Let's go back into it. Put your hands together for the other half of the Insane Clown Posse. Pat Reagan, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah. Wow. That is scary as fuck. Whoop whoop. I don't care for this at all. I thought they were just clowns. The insane clown posse with an acoustic guitar. How's it going, man?

Good, man. Just living that juggalo life. Posse unplugged. Yeah. I'm excited for this. You guys did some real makeup. Put your hands together for Pat Reagan and Joel Jimenez. Ladies and gentlemen.

Live. If you want to do this on the regular, you should call yourselves Posse Riot. There you go. The party has begun. The party has begun. Doug just did a 12 minute into the show joke. Seven minutes into the show.

We're getting the party started early. There's a little mouse going around here somewhere. I don't know exactly what that means. But let's just get into the show. You motherfuckers ready or what? Here's what happens. A ton of comedians signed up tonight for the chance to do 60 seconds uninterrupted of stand-up or anything in the world on the stage. And afterwards, we talk to them about who they are as a human

being and what else happened during that set and what we know about them. Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. There you go. Very intimidating

bear tonight. A little bit sleepy, perhaps going into hibernation at some point. Whoa, there he is, woken up. Wow, that was some real 40s comedy for you. We're a real avid Costello up here. There you go. Back to the safety mouse. Tony. All right.

Safety mouse. West Hollywood. When everything fails, hit the mouse button. West Hollywood bear would be homophobic, but we are indeed in West Hollywood. The safety mouse is actually really funny. When everything goes bad, you just... All right. Okay.

So you guys ready to start the show or what? I got a bucket full of names. All right. Okay. Someone's about to be on stage for 60 seconds continuously uninterrupted, and they go by the name of Spencer Callender. Man, it has been hot in this city lately, and it harkens me back to a time like in December where it was actually cold here for two seconds.

Colder than here than in New York City. So cold, in fact, there was this homeless veteran on the side of the freeway. Now, I don't normally support the troops. But I got a couple bucks out. But as I got closer to this guy, I saw he had a Santa hat on and a sign that said, Merry Christmas, God bless.

Does this inconsiderate piece of shit not know it's happy holidays? We live in the most verbally progressive city in the world. You can't get on Twitter and find out what words are not trending? No wonder you have no legs, because you're careless. You're careless with your words

and with your actions. People think I'm gay. Just the other day, I was riding my bike. Sure, go ahead, Spencer. Finish that. Riding my bike with my lady, mind you, and I fell. I hit my head. I already felt

like an idiot, and I'm getting out of the road, and this truck drives around the corner, almost hits me, yells out the window, get out of the road, you stupid lesbian. Is that it? Spencer Callender. Fuck yeah. How's it going, man? Pretty good. How are you doing? Spencer Callender. Fuck yeah.

How's it going, man? Pretty good. How are you doing? I love that. You have a certain thing about you. I can't figure out what it is. Where are you from? Long Beach. Long Beach.

It's all starting to make sense. Did you ever rent a place behind OJ's house? No, but he did host a show I was on here one time, which was bizarre. That guy? What's his name? Kato.

Yeah, Kato Kaelin. Kato. That's right. All right. All right. Spencer, how long have you been on stand-up? One year and four months.

Oh, wow. Spencer Callender. Is that your real last name? It is, yeah. It's with a K, if that makes a difference. Do you have anything you want to say about that? Why? What happened?

I thought that was so funny, what you said earlier. You whispered in my ear. Spencer Callender is his name. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, that was just for you, that one. Oh, okay. All right, wow. When he got introduced, I just said to him, because it's so dumb, I was just like, oh, Spencer Callender, he's funny all year round. See? There you go.

That's what I. Right. But I had to. Once I was caught and you set me up, I had to negate it before I said it. I like that. You always got to apologize when you know it might not work. I just thought he was the third member of that band. I didn't know that he was going to be like a whole nother comic.

Jerron. Shooting for three. What band are we talking about? What band? I thought he was going to be like a whole other comic. Jerron, shooting for three. What band are we talking about? What band? I thought he was this band. I thought he was Barber. Oh, he forgot to put on the face, so he just threw on a wig. Spencer, I like your style, though. Do you always dress like that, or were you auditioning to be David Spade?

No. Joe Dirt 3. Joe Dirtiest. Spencer, what do you do for work? I bartend I take care of a guy with Alzheimer's and I do maintenance on apartments getting the party started getting people to forget their lives

and getting other guys to remember very good that's all that gets? a bartender and an Alzheimer's? you sons of bitches aren't even listening you just want one dick joke after the other, don't you? I can just tell this audience. We want Monday dick jokes.

So is it tough doing comedy without Wayne by your side? Let me ask you this seriously, though. In all sincerity, we're not here to make fun of the comics. I just want to say, how is the hair on top? Is it like a normal, do you have weird hair? Yeah. It's good hair. So did you throw the hat on just because you didn't get a chance to wash your hair,

or you wear the hat a lot? He always wears that hat. The hat's worn a lot. Because the hat makes it look like two dog ears hanging out from under here. It looks like you're on Snapchat. You really do. This seems too hillbilly, though. And then people think I'm a redneck if I do it behind my ears.

So I've got hair to love. I'm just saying lose the hat. Lose it? Oh, okay. Yeah. I was saying, because guys with a hat on, all you're doing in the audience, like this guy in the front row, he's like, everybody doesn't know I have a receding hairline. I'm pulling it off. Whoa.

Really? No. See, you've got a full head of hair, hairline. I'm pulling it off. Whoa. Really? No. See, you got a full head of hair, too. Look at that full head of hair. How dare you? Don't waste a hat on a full head of hair. It's the lesson I'm trying. Oh, no.

A vehicle's crashing into the building. Let's evacuate. Hey, Tony. Hey, Tony. I got a magic trick. Oh, you do? Yeah, I think you're really going to like it. Okay, let's see it.

Joel, can I get a drum roll, please? Oh! Holy shit Wow Jeremiah Watkins Yeah Yeah Holy shit I don't know what just happened

But I think Pat teleported me From the goddamn comedy jam all the way over to Kill Tony. Wow! I'll take that trade any day. Oh, no! Oh, no, the magic is wearing off! Oh, no, that means he probably heard what I said! Wow That was an amazing magic trick Can you make it happen again

And just stay the other way I'm just kidding Pat Happy to be here Tony Pat's the greatest in the world. He's the band leader and the master of the universe. That was really depressing, though. I thought Jeremiah was going to stay. Yeah, I thought you were both just going to come back.

Ta-da. He could only do a pop-in, huh? Spencer. It's America. I love that. That's an amazing magic trick. One more time for Pat Reagan, ladies and gentlemen. That makeup is scary as hell.

I'm not going to lie. Your makeup is truly scaring me tonight. Dude, it was like, ah, whatever. Continue. Did a magic trick just happen? Yeah. I got to stop looking at my phone. I didn't catch any magic tricks

I just a guy came out and played the sax Spencer This guy you've been taking care of that has Alzheimer's How long you been taking care of him? About a year now What's that like? Anything funny happen with that ever? No usually it's just hindsight

Like he'll shit in my car sometimes He straight up just punched me in the face In bathrooms at Arby's. Yeah. It's just like he used to be a fireman. He was like a man's man. Now he's just an angry Mexican dude who's only 62. Can't remember shit.

And he just freaks out sometimes. Does he ever forget to pay you? No, no. I got his debit card. Are you stealing from him? No. Would never fucking up. Spencer.

Huh? No. Would never. You're fucking up. Spencer. Huh. How he said for never sounded like he totally steals from that guy. Have you noticed that? Did you notice that? Never. I would never. So you do steal from him. Where are you a bartender at?

In Long Beach. What's the... It's called Red Table. Is that like a dive bar? Red Table. No, not a... It sounds fancy. It's more upscale rich people.

Yeah, it's communists. Yeah. It's a lot of communists, yeah. Yeah, at the red table. By the water, boat people. Rich white boat people. Do you have any special fun hobbies or skills or talents or anything? Special fun hobbies.

Do you collect Zika mosquitoes? I know, it was kind of an odd sequitur. fun hobbies. Do you collect Zika mosquitoes? My mom's boyfriend did die of West Nile virus, so that's close. It's close. Really? Yeah. Wow. Is it Africa or something? No, Long Beach. Long Beach mosquito. Long Beach will get you.

I think I have my diseases confused. We have West Nile and Georgia. Wow, that's gross. You know why we don't have that anymore? How come, Doug? Because East. We had West Nile and Georgia. Wow, that's gross. You know why we don't have that anymore? How come, Doug? Because East Nile and West Nile rumbled and East Nile won. Squash the beef, settled it. Spencer, anything else interesting about you? Hey, Spencer, you get down with the Juggalos?

You know I get down with the Juggalos. I see pee till I die, baby. Thank you. Faygo, Juggalos. Man know I get down with the Juggalos. I see pee till I die, baby. Thank you. Faygo, Juggalos. Man. Other interesting stuff. Just do comedy all the time. See, this guy at his home a lot at Marty's, so it was nice to see Jerron on stage.

Yeah. It was interesting. It's one of my cronies. Yeah. Yeah, I like that. Spencer, what's your love life like? I'm married. Really?

Yeah. How come you're not wearing the ring? I told her I don't want to wear a ring. I don't like jewelry. Whoa. Really? Yeah. How come you're not wearing the ring? I told her I don't want to wear a ring. I don't like jewelry. Whoa. But I noticed you have a I'm going to use that line. Well, maybe you could

just call it a wedding hat. Wedding hat. Yeah, it happened a week ago in Seattle. I did a comedy show and then got hitched and that was it. Here I am.

Whoa. A week ago? A week ago? Oh, it's fresh. How long did you know this girl for? Five years and change was it. Here I am. A week ago? It's fresh. A week ago? Oh, it's fresh. How long did you know this girl for? Five years and change. Did you get to have a batch party? No batch party. The wedding was just four of us

and it was on a dock. I didn't let any family or people come. I guess my best man really fucking pussed out on the batch party, though. Well, let's have one right now. Have you ever wanted to be blown by a clown? Yeah, two, though. Well, let's have one right now. Have you ever wanted to be blown by a clown? Yeah, two, actually.

Let me ask you this. When you got married, obviously you probably didn't wear a hat, right? No hat. Did you go ponytail? I only rocked the ponytail at work. I don't ever do the ponytail in the real world. But I noticed that that's not a bracelet. That's actually a hair tie around your wrist. Hair tie, yeah. Correct? Yes.

For work. Sometimes you go into it at random times. You never know. Like I built a shed. You know, I built a shed earlier. Had to pop a PT in. You never know. Good to be prepared. Better safe than sorry. Hey, you said work isn't the real world. What's reality to you?

Work isn't the... Oh, reality? Yeah. I suppose staring at you on the belly room stage with ICP makeup on. You said I wear a ponytail and then you were like only at work, not in the real world and I would like to know

what reality is in your eyes. This, this, the belly room staring at you wearing clown makeup. Yeah, I usually just, I go to work, I stare at you.

This is realer than real. This is as real as it gets, dude, yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. We were both being fake right there in that moment. Yeah, it was very bizarre.

Thanks for the transparency, though. It's not there with most of the posse. They're so private. Spencer, what do you normally do during the day if you're not working? Do you work at the bar during the day?

No, I work at night. Yeah. But I get up early enough where I can still do comedy. During the day, I really just write comedy. I just move, so I've built a shed. Wow, this shed keeps coming. This shed is new. Yeah, I like this shed.

What are you going to do in the shed? He has a woman in there who he had a child with, and he keeps her there. Yeah, yeah. He buried her. I keep and he keeps her there. He's married her. I keep all my hats there. Remember that movie Room? It's a good movie. I just wait hopelessly for comedy to start

so I can go to Marty's and see Geron. I like that. Spencer, you have a good look but you seem kind of boring. I'm not going to lie. I wish you'd let it rip. What's the craziest thing about you? The craziest thing about me?

That's bizarre. Yeah, what's some insane shit you've done? Yeah. Creepiest thing you've Googled lately. Creepiest thing I Googled? Probably the R. Kelly sex tape. Wow, the one with the pee? I couldn't bring myself to watch it, but I heard someone say that he came, peed on her, and came

again. Yeah, she's also underage. You're looking at underage porn or searching for underage porn. How far into the tape did you make it? No, I didn't make it zero seconds into it. I'm working on R. Kelly bit that I'm working out, so I went deep into the research.

You just call it research, right? Well, it's funny. You walked right into it. To catch a predator figured out that a lot of open micers are probably up to something, and so we're under arrest. Breaking news. All right, Spencer. It was nice to meet you.

That's a wrap. Thank you. He's on Twitter at Robot Spencer. It was nice to meet you. Thank you. He's on Twitter at Robot Spencer. Let's just keep it moving. Real quick, though. What do you got to go to to watch this live streaming? DeathSquad.live. DeathSquad.live.

All right, because Peanut from 311 wants to know. Perfect. Awesome. I'm hooking him up. We love Peanut from 311. I told him to comment if he has anything to say about what's happening. I pulled the name out of the bucket and that name is Gary Curtis.

That's a black guy. Knew it. Knew it. Speaking of dicks, who's ready for this election to be over? Just me? I feel like this election's been like one weird, long, but good episode of Scooby-Doo. Because, I mean, this is why I say it's good. Usually you get to the end of the episode and they take the mask off the bad guy, and he looks just like Bernie Sanders.

But Bernie's been unmasked the whole time, right? We've seen it. We know he's a good guy. Obviously the bad guy is the orange creature with the bad wig that's been running around. So now I'm just waiting to get to the end of the episode, election, and they take the mask off of Donald Trump, and we realize, like, it's been George Bush the whole time. And then he says something like,

I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those darn Mexican kids. Not a lot of Scooby-Doo fans, huh? Hillary is obviously the Thelma of the situation. Nobody gave a fuck about her in the beginning, but now everybody else you wanted to root for has caught up in some bullshit.

You don't want everybody to die, so you're like, I guess I'm with her. Fuck yeah, Gary Curtis. Senior Daily Show correspondent, Gary Curtis. What's a great idea for the Clinton campaign? Hashtag I guess I'm with her.

I think it would work, because it's like, yeah, well, what are you going to do? Can't be with the orange head, whatever you said. Yeah, you hate Donald Trump. I follow you on Twitter, Doug, and you have a lot of a... I don't want him to be president. I'm all right with him that he exists,

but he's not who I would go to for president. Were you more of a Bernie person before? I like Bernie a lot. But, you know, I also liked that Bernie jammed all of his agenda into the Clinton platform. So and he's still going to be standing around saying what he thinks. I just think everybody needs to step up and, you know, really hold politicians accountable, including the media that Donald keeps blaming for all of his... He's only as successful as he is because of the media, and he's complaining

about them and saying that they're biased. Yeah, it's really biased how they cut to you every time you take a shit. Yeah, you're right. There you go. Doug Benson. Giving you what you need to know going into this year's election. We all vote with Doug Benson.

Wait a second. There's an election this year? So, Gary, we got your political views. I'd like to thank you because you're one of the first people to ever stand up from doing the... Oh, Jaron, you're still there. Oh, okay.

I thought you were the same person. I thought you just got up and started doing stand-up. I don't get that at all. I see this motherfucker at every audition I go to. You guys are all going for Jaden Smith? Alright. Gary, what do you do

for work? I work at Tom's. Ah, the shoe place. We did this last week. Oh, last week. A mere seven days ago. Occupation line on the side of the shoe. Let's shake up the bucket last week. It's a different bucket.

Fuck yeah, Gary. Anything changed since last week? I don't remember anything about you. What'd you do in the last week? Last week. How many times did you jerk it? You got a lineup. You got a lineup.

I need a haircut. I'm going home for my sister's wedding this week. Oh, you are? You got to line up. You got to line up. I need a haircut. I'm going home for my sister's wedding this week. She's marrying a lady. Yeah. Oh, shit. Where's that hometown at? Jersey. Jersey?

Yeah. Fuck yeah. As if Jersey didn't smell fishy enough. There you go. Lesbian wedding in New Jersey. Which one's calling themselves the groom? I'm sure it's my sister. Oh, all right.

Somebody's been held down by somebody or something. Yeah, I love that. You want to wrestle with her? She strong? Yeah, she's very strong. This is really compelling because, you know, that is an interesting thing, I guess, about you, right? So what do you think? Do you think that there was something thing, I guess, about you. So what do you think?

Do you think that there was something that sort of like in your household or something that sort of made her that way? Or was she always that way? Was she like a better... Basketball? Yeah. Yeah, I heard basketball makes a lot of ladies gay.

Yeah, I actually have. Like those college women... I fucking love basketball. If I'm hooked on a drug, it's basketball. Fucking, fucking love fucking basketball. It's fucking basketball. Fuck yeah. Junk box over there.

Yeah. I hope that happens every time somebody says basketball. Not that time. You just said it again. Yeah, not that time. So, Gary, tell us more about your sister. Anything else? Have you met her girlfriend?

Oh, yeah. They were on the same basketball team together in college. I fucking love basketball. If I'm hooked on a drug, it's basketball. I'm kissing and I'm hugging fucking basketball. It's fucking basketball. All right. Sorry. All right. Sorry.

All right. Request revoked because it's going to come up again. Can you beat her in one-on-one? Seriously, what did you think of the USA team playing the basketball over there? I think it's like every other one or something like that. Oh, no. Well, let's just not say it anymore. Gary, so your sister, did you notice anything when she was young?

When did you first know she was a lesbian? Did she tell you or did you have an idea of her? It started with high school. Was your mom the basketball coach? I fucking love basketball. If I'm hooked on a drug, it's basketball. I fucking love this sport. It's called basketball. It's fucking basketball.

Hashtag hate tweets coming my way. Did you ever hear her scissoring? No. Never? No. Crazy thing, when she first brought the girl she's about to marry around, I definitely thought she was trying to fuck me.

Right. I was definitely trying to fuck. Well, she probably was. She probably was. Has she ever tried to take your girl? Nah. Why was your set so clean, and now you're talking about, oh, fuck it.

Because I do that. I've done that every other time. Oh, you changed it up? I tried to switch it up, yeah. Okay, so that was clean political humor. Everybody's dying to hear right now. The sides aren't going at each other very hard, so it's a

perfect time for just keep it sweet. You got a George Bush dig in there. I always like that. I don't think he comes up enough. It wasn't even a W either. You went for George Bush. You said George Bush. That's senior, right?

That's the first one. Dan Quayle. He wants the audience to remember shit that happened more than how long ago was that? I mean, that was, jeez, eight years ago. You got the stage presence thing down, right? Oh, wait, no. It's more than that. Right? He's smooth, right? Yeah, wait, no. It's more than that. Right? He's smooth, right?

Yeah, totally. He didn't stumble around or act nervous. No, he's got that. Yeah. You're also working on temporary material that, you know, in like six months, you're just going to throw it away. Why even bother sometimes? Right.

His sister's going to be gay forever. Right. Why bother? It's going to hurt me. It's going to kill me. It's going to kill me. You deserve me. There's definitely a reason to bother. There you go. There's definitely a reason to bother. It's gonna hurt me. It's gonna kill when you desert me. There's definitely

a reason to bother. There you go. There's definitely a reason to bother. How many words or phrases are gonna get us into that hell? How many do you have ready to go? Because also, does the drummer just go along with it or does he know? Alright.

Oh shit. Do you have a song about turkey sausage? No. Gary, anything else interesting happen since the last week you were on? Actually, I got it. Somebody came up to me that was at the show last week, and I have a meeting with people from a production company after what they saw on the show last week.

From this show. So, yeah. Boom. There you go. There you go. Yeah. I'm just going to on the show last week. From this show. So, yeah. Boom. There you go. There you go. Yeah. I'm just going to let you go, Gary. There he goes.

Gary Curtis, everybody. G. Kurt CSB on Twitter. Great job, dude. Good job. I heard that on Walking Dead they were going to do a flashback to the preacher when he was younger, and I think he'd be perfect. I hope it works out. I don't know what that means, but I love it.

You don't watch Walking Dead? I don't. Well, that guy looks like the guy. Oh, shit. Which guy? I stopped watching season five. Bring it together for your next comedian, Heather Marulli, everybody. My ex recently texted me a screenshot of his credit score, just to remind me that he's human trash, just a terrible person. I always knew he was bad because his name is a verb.

His name is Sway, which isn't a real name. But I was suspicious of him for a while because he sent a text with the credit score that said, numbers don't lie, mija. And I was like, well, that's interesting because you lied about your age when we first started going out. And I found out he was actually 35.

He said he was 28. But I was suspicious that he was older because he had his old concert tickets on the wall. And one of the concert tickets he had was to Radiohead at the Hollywood Bowl in 2001. And I was like, oh, you appreciated Radiohead when you were 14? Like, this doesn't make sense. So when I was suspicious he was older, I text him. I was like, how old are you really?

And he texts me back. He goes, how old do you think I am from the way that I sex you up? And I said between 55 and 75 years old. Fuck yeah, Heather Marulli. Sorry. I was kind of caught off guard.

Alright, I'm going to take a guess here. I'm just shooting for the hip. I'm guessing that you live in the Los Feliz Silver Lake area. Am I correct? No, I wish. You have the balls to pull off a Radiohead reference like that. I wish I lived in a terrible neighborhood. You mean the hugely popular band Radiohead? Oh, there he is.

Our Silver Lake senior correspondent, Pat Reagan. Super hipster. Look at him over there. He's like, I'm a creep. Happy to be here. Thank you so much. He's like, I'm a creep. So happy to be here. Thank you so much. He's a weirdo. Was your boyfriend Mexican?

Yes. Why was he texting his credit score? Because he thinks it's impressive. Was it a good score or a bad score? It's good. It's like a 795. Oh, so that makes him a dick? He's got a great score?

No, just that he has to talk about it. Yes. Okay. He likes to talk about it because I have student loans, so. I felt like you were saying a little late, but I'm a creep. All right, that's it. Very late. Did you realize right now that that's what we were doing when we said that?

You thought I just took a shot at you like you fucking creeped. I did, man. I had a feeling, and I almost went back to it and was going to say – I mean, I sort of did say, but they started talking. Yeah, I heard for a second. That's amazing. I had a feeling. I should have just said it.

That you realized we were doing a radio hit joke. That took like 37 seconds. If you'd have gone right into it when I said it, it would have brought the house down. Yeah. Yeah, but the way you did it was still fun. Heather. Heather.

Hold on, Doug. Jesus. I got a question. You are an animal. Go ahead. Okay. It's just – Tony, jump right in. Yeah, and this is good to have the creep underneath it.

It felt more like you were just listing off a bunch of facts about things in your life without punchlines. Go, Tony. There you go. So let's get back to it. No, that's fine. No, that's fair. Usually it's a much tighter joke, but I was kind of caught off guard when I got this. So this guy sends you his credit score, and do you believe it?

I mean, he lied about his age. No, I believe it. He's really cheap and tight with money. What does he do for work? He's a sound mixer. How long have you been dating this guy? Oh, we broke up, but two years we dated. Oh.

Yeah. How long have you guys been broken up for? Like eight months. Eight months. We still do it. He's a sound mixer. Still fucking? Yeah.

Still getting in the... Sometimes. Wait, what? mixer. Still fucking? Yeah. Still getting in the... Sometimes. Wait, what? What can I do? He's a sound what? Sound mixer. Wow. Like on movies and stuff. Fuck yeah. I bet he

is. He stays in the mix with you. Hey Brian, do you have a boner sound effect? Yes, he does. I was implying that he just had a boner sound effect? Yes he does I was implying that he just had a boner and it made that noise Well that's cool Has he ever shown you any of his work?

Has he made anything cool? Well he does a lot of the sound mixing for the Red Bull video game tournaments Is he doing anything cool? He asked you No Honestly full video game tournaments. Is he doing anything cool, he asked you. No. No, I, like, honestly,

no, like, he worked on the Florence Henderson show on VH1. I don't know. He has an IMDb that's full of stuff that's, like, not real. There's a Florence Henderson show on VH1? There used to be. I can't believe I'm not watching VH1. Immediately, everybody can Google who this guy is, by the way. No, they can't.

Well, it doesn't matter if they could. Of course. They're not going to. I mean, what are they going to say? Hey, listen to the girl you're fucking on a podcast. So Heather. Did somebody from the 20s just walk in? Hello.

It's me, your common Twitter troll. This is what I sound like. Heather. Yeah. Have you been dating guys since then? How's the last eight months been? Oh, um... Heather, there's a buggy coming down the street. Look out. No, I haven't been out there.

Come on, Heather. Talk to us more. I haven't been out there. I've been sending some messages on Bumble, but I'm not into it. It takes... It's too much time. Bumble is the one where, what, the guy. It's only people who want to fucking honey? No, women, you have to wait for the chick to respond to you.

The girl has to send a message first. It's a Manuaka honey-based dating app. Wow, that's interesting. You get a lot of a lot of action off bumble um well no i just i usually just send messages and see like if the guy's dumb or not right that's usually one of my does anyone ever like you look like a bbw share no no but thank you i'll take that's compliment. I'll take that as a compliment. I'm fine with that.

Gene Wilder, rest in peace. There you go. I love that you did it right now. Perfect timing for that. You know, something reminded me of it. This guy getting up and leaving reminded me of it. I was like, that guy looks like he wants to get up and leave. Keep Wilder, rest in peace.

Heather, what do you do for work? I am a paralegal at a law firm. Yeah. Okay. I know. What's your living situation? I live in a horrible neighborhood south of USC. Whoa.

But I live alone. I get to live for $800. That's not that cheap. To live alone? I think so. I know people who are living on virtually nothing. I know a guy that just built a fucking shit that lived in actually. I know people who live

through clowning. What else, Heather? What else? I don't know. I mean, there's not really much else to... What do you want to know? I don't know. Tony! Anything crazy happen in your life or anything lately?

Lately? People are just like really not giving it up. I don't know if anything crazy has happened. Tony. Anything crazy happen in your life or anything lately? Lately? Oh, my God. I don't know if anything crazy has happened. Okay, Heather. Well, there you go. Heather Marulli, everybody. There she goes.

We're going to fly through them tonight, baby. She's on Twitter at Fixed Air Heather. What's going to happen next? Yeah, if we call your name, you better have a crazy story ready. There you go. Thank you, Doug. Get it ready in your head. Let them be boring.

Put your hands together for Chris Wilmoth, everybody. White people gotta stop stealing all the tragedy hashtags and putting our own spin on them just because we're bored. You see the hashtag all lives matter? It's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. I work in a cell phone store. I deal with lives that don't matter constantly. All day long. They're usually white lives because I'm not a racist. The other day this white lady came in. She's buying her 12-year-old daughter an iPhone. During the transaction, the daughter calls the mom a cunt.

And she continued to buy the little cunt an iPhone. Nobody involved in that story's life matters. Including the piece of shit that sold him the phone. I'm circumcised. I think it's weird that we still do that.

Just a completely elective cosmetic dick surgery that almost every guy gets and no one's ever consented to. Fuck yeah. There it is. Was there more to that? Was that the end of it? Yeah. I mean that you have a point there. There's noma. Was there more to that? Was that the end of it? Yeah. I mean, you have a point there.

There's no real punchline there. No, what? There's – I like your style, though. You have accidentally really good timing. How long have you been on stand-up? Since March. Since March.

Fuck yeah. There you go. Fairly new. Wow, 12 months. March? 12 months? I love it. Doug knows.

I know my months. Doug knows months. Doug knows. I know my months. Doug knows math. I know how time works. What do you do for work, Chris? I work in a cell phone store. Oh, that's where that material came from. Have you been on this show before? No, I haven't.

Wow, a supplement store. No, a cell phone store. Oh, a cell phone store. He got lost in his arms. He got lost in his forearms. Sounded like supplement store. No, a cell phone store. Oh, a cell phone store. He got lost in his arms. Yeah. Lost in his forearms. Sounded like supplement store. Tony, here's some of your supplement humor.

That's why I repeated it back in question form. A supplement store? Because I didn't quite hear. Fuck yeah. Which one? I didn't think a cell phone store existed. Are you on supplements? He just talked about cell phones. I'm not taking supplements. What not? Ad cell phones. I'm not taking any supplements.

What not? Adderall. Succulent store? Like you sell succulents? How did that story end in the cell phone store? You were a customer or someone else was a customer? Was there a cunt involved? There was a cunt involved.

There was a 12-year-old girl cunt involved. But why were you in there? I work there. Is that what you were calling her? You said you work there? I do work there. Did you say it in the joke, or did you say that you were at a cell phone store?

No, I said I work at a cell phone store. I deal with lies that don't matter. What the fuck is a cell phone store, by the way? It's just a Verizon store. It's in every mall right next to the supplement store. So you work for Verizon. Say Verizon. Yeah, okay. Is that the answer? Yeah, I work at Verizon. So you work for Verizon. Say Verizon.

Is that the answer? Yeah, I work at Verizon. So you're a Verizon guy. Yeah, like I sell people bullshit phones. Yeah, can you hear me now? There you go. Gerard said that. Maybe that's why I couldn't understand you. Sure. Are you excited to go to work? Are you excited to go to work?

Do you make every day an event, Verizon? Verizon? Fuck, I fucked that up. But thank you. I've always wanted clown rim shots. You're welcome. The scariest thing to me would be a clown rim job. Nobody?

Everybody here wants that? We're going to do a segment that we debuted a few weeks ago on Chris. He's been doing stand-up since March. We are going to do an in-depth thing. This is the return of the brand new segment, Who Are You? Congratulations, Chris. You have been selected to be the new Who Are You person on the show. What does that mean?

We're going to find out some shit about you, Chris. Awesome. Are you ready to enter the honesty chamber? Yes. Oh, no. 100%. Are you sure you're ready? Yes, let's do it.

Okay, Chris. Here we go. Anything interesting about your childhood? Who Are You seems a lot like the rest of the show. Yeah, that's why it's like the normal show. No, no, no. We're going to go deeper. Who touched you?

Who touched you? Who have you touched? I've touched all these people with my comedy. Who have you moved? All of these people. That's not true. Mark.

Chris. What happened to that bit? I thought you had some questions. You're on fire tonight. I thought you had some questions. Bit slowly being aborted. What do you do for work, Chris? Work in a supplement store. Wait, wait. You do you do for work, Chris? Work in a supplement store.

Wait, wait. You do that whole, who are you? You ask the same question you ask every time, and you already asked him? It's the worst. The worst. Are you ready to enter back in, Chris? Yes. Get into it.

Doug. Doug. Come on. You do it. to enter back in, Chris? Yes. Get into it! Doug. Chris, where are you from? Pennsylvania. Erie, Pennsylvania. Can you get more descriptive than just the name of the state? Erie, Pennsylvania.

Little Detroit, they call it. It's right on Lake Erie. What do your parents do for work? My mom teaches autistic kids. Josh Meyer waits at Autistic Thunder in the house. My dad is an apartment inspector. I don't know. Huh.

An apartment inspector. Make sure they're up to code, I guess. Yeah. What did you do before moving to L.A.? I was dispatching snow plows. Jesus Christ. Yeah. What laws have you broken?

What laws have you broken? Good question. I mean, I don't even think I'm legally allowed to be a resident in my apartment. So I feel like I'm constantly breaking laws at all times. Why are you not allowed to legally be a resident in my apartment, so I feel like I'm constantly breaking laws at all times. Why are you not allowed to legally be a resident in your apartment? I'm not on the lease or anything like that. This segment is called Who the Fuck Are You?

Go deep! One of the most boring human beings of all time. Who's your idol? Well, I guess the naughtiest lie I ever broke was sleeping at my apartment at night. I'm not on the lease, it turns out. I'm that kind of roommate. On Halloween, I reached into the bowl and took two mini fun bars.

The sub-letter. I'm what you would call the guy that sleeps in the other bedroom. What's me? Chris, last date you went on. What was that like? I was actually G-Eazy's baby mom, according to her. I don't know. Who's G-Eazy? He's like a rapper. Yeah, white

rapper. She has a child. She has a child by him. It had interesting beats to it, but it was just sadder more than anything else. So, some white rapper, you had sex with... I didn't have sex with her.

It just... I tried to. You tried? Were you a good father to the child? No, not at all. I didn't even meet the child. To be your baby mama, don't you have to fuck and then have a baby? The white rapper is the

father of this woman's child. There's a stepdad. I was the stepdad for like a day. You're taking care of this child? Basically, yeah. Hey, I did that shit for a year. Okay, anyway.

It's just getting sadder and sadder. So, Chris. How long did you date this girl for? I went on one date with her. You said it was the last date. What was that like? Did you get her in bed? Was she G-Eazy?

She was not. So, what happened? W-T, fuck you. Chris, was not. So what happened? WT, fuck on you. Chris, can you describe anything that happened? We went to tacos. You went to tacos? We went to

taco put in Malfi. It was $5. Choo choo choo. Into stomach, then we poop. So much fun at poop. No sex. So much fun at taco. Yes. Keep going.

Tell us more. It's a very uneventful story. It's like the chick before me with nothing. I'm sorry. All right. There he goes. Chris Wilmot, everybody. He's on Twitter at TheRealBrock.

Brock? B-R-O-C-H. Brooch. There you go. You got a slogan? TheRealNothing. TheRealBrooch. We're just flying through him tonight. This is an interesting rapid fire episode of Kill Tony.

I know this guy. He's been doing stand-up for years with all of us. Put your hands together for Damar Randy, ladies and gentlemen. Damar. That's just sad. Is that Damar? No, Damar. Basketball.

I fucking love basketball. I pulled another name out of the bucket. It's basketball. Basketball, yeah. I pulled another name out of the bucket. If I'm hooked on a drug, it's basketball. Basketball, basketball, yeah. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Bring your hands together for Dicey. I fucking love basketball. If I'm hooked on a drug, it's basketball.

I fucking love motherfucking basketball. It's a basketball. Hey. Okay, I hate to bring the mood down. I know this is a comedy show, but I have some statistics regarding white people. Yeah. Apparently, 80% of white people can kiss my ass. That's not funny. When did that number get so high I don't I still want to come back as a white woman in my next life though I do I'm only gonna fuck black men still

I want to come back as a white woman so I can say shit like, do you know what I mean? I'm here if you need to talk. I want to come back and say shit like that. They have fun, white women. They do. There should be more diversity in the world, you know, especially in the tanning industry.

There's no black girls that have ever facilitated a tan. When's the last time you saw a black bitch give a tan? And who better to warn you of the effects this dark-ass skin is going to have of you than a black bitch? Fuck yeah, Brian went with an extra loud beast roar. Sorry, I didn't hear the cat. I think he's part of the 80% of white guys that you don't like. Oh, Jesus. Alright.

I liked how on her opening the 80% of white dudes, the whitest person in the room knocked his drum kit over. As soon as he heard it, he's Mexican. You can't tell with the face paint. You're extra white tonight. You're like, you're

overboard white right now. Alright, Dicey. What has happened recently that makes you hate white people so much? Let's just get into it. You can say anything here. Well, it's just that I've been black my whole life and... No, but what

lately? I mean, that is lately. That's shit. I mean, you know, they just ignore me. They like, they'll see me walking. Like white people, this is what they do. When they see you walking into a building, they don't know you're black.

You know, they just feel a body behind them. But then when they turn around and see that you're black, they just let the door close in your face. Like shit like that. No way. Where the fuck is this happen at? Everywhere. I don't do that to black people.

I do that to bitches. Jesus, Doug. Are you... I thought that would be such an obvious joke. I thought that joke would be so obvious. Are you following this person into their apartment late at night, maybe? No, no, no, no.

Why would that work better than mine? Hey, white people, y'all will let the door hit us in the face. Y'all know that shit. Yeah. Yeah, that shit's true. And he's happy. Where does that happen? Where's the last place physically? Marty's.

Marty's, where you live. Yeah. Okay. There you go for the seven open micers that know what that is. I love it. They cracked up at that one. Well, fucking three of the motherfuckers. Dicey, where do people let the door hit you in the face at?

Where are you when that's happening? At the mall, at the grocery store, everywhere. And what mall doesn't have sliding doors anymore? What mall are you going to? Is there some security guard there that just hits the pause button when you walk by? Oh, you're going to need to wait a second, lady. What kind of mall still has swinging doors?

What kind of fucking peasant mall are you going to, Dicey? And why would... What kind of white people... Even better question, what kind of white people are going to this mall? That's hilarious to me. Beverly The Beverly Center is under construction. Beverly Center doesn't even have doors.

It just has escalators. You just walk in. There's not even a door at any point. We don't use doors anymore. Have you ever dated a white person before? You know what? I've let a lot of white men buy me dinner and stuff. I feel like they want to play out their slave fantasies on me.

And I'm like, no, you're not going to play out your slave fantasies. Brian, why is that still happening? Why is that even a choice? Why is that an option? What did you download that for? For every single week, any time a black person's on lately, even though I specifically tell them to, you know, and less is more. But I guess more is

more every single Monday with Brian Redbath. None of that is more. Right. It's like her set was very backwards racist, I guess. Of course. So that's what we're trying to talk about. And that's what we're trying to talk about in depth without the music interrupting every single Hey, Dicey, where are you from? I'm from Texas.

Wow, that is interesting. What part? Dallas. Get the fuck out of here. There's no reason to ask her to leave, Tony. That's why she hates my first lady. My first girlfriend was from Plano. She was black.

Oh, yeah. You like black girls, huh, Pat? No. Dicey, you said that a lot of white guys have gotten to take you to dinner. Where does it normally go wrong? When you say play out their slave fantasies, have you had sex with a white man before? No, I've never had sex with a white man.

What's the closest you've come? She hasn't. How many inches from it were you? No, how many inches was he from it? That's probably the problem, right? Right Yeah, you need some action What's the closest that you came to hooking up with a white guy?

I think I kissed one on the cheek Whoa Wow That's the closest That's like tripping over home on your way to first Jesus The old kiss on the cheek Was it Santa? Wow. That's the closest. It's like tripping over home on your way to first. Jesus. The old kiss on the cheek.

Was it Santa? Huh? Was it Santa? That's Joel. Joel Jimenez wrote that one, ladies and gentlemen. We know she loves to go to the mall, so it very easily could have been. So, wow. Just a kiss on the cheek.

That's it. Why do you think that is weird it was weird you know like why because they were white what's the well but what's different between a date with a white guy and a date with a black guy for you well um other than the actual color of the skin i mean the conversation is just totally different white people talk about stuff like the other than the actual color of the skin? I mean, the conversation is just totally different. White people talk about stuff like they have time to think about zombie apocalypses and shit like that. I knew we were getting something. I knew

I was getting something. That's why I ask these fucking questions. And what do black people talk about on these dates? If white people talk about zombie apocalypses. Oh, we talk about getting shot and staying alive. Oh, that's a bunch of baloney. No way. And not

having sex with white people. You're so funny. Getting shot. I haven't dated in a long time because I'm married. I sure have been getting shot a lot lately. How about you? This is one of the best first dates I've ever been on, black person. Sure been getting shot a lot lately. How about you? This is one of the best first dates I've ever been on, black person. Sure been getting shot a lot. Fuck yeah, I'm about to shoot you right now.

Let's do it. That's my impression of a black guy for some reason. White surfer voice. I liked when she did the white voice. I like that. That was cute. The white girl thing? Yeah, white girl thing.

Thanks. I thought of it sounded like Stacey Dash who's not white but does a white girl voice no she is she should be

she is white she's honorary she is white exactly what's the what's the whitest thing about you the whitest thing

about me finally it's probably like her eyeballs the white man who raped my great great great grandmother so I can have her oh my god me is probably the white man who raped my great-great-great-grandmother. Oh my God.

Wow. I wonder how many generations it's going to take before maybe that starts to dissipate a little bit. You know what I mean? No, I eat kale.

Literally, maybe that starts to dissipate a little bit. You know what I mean? No, I eat kale. That's the only thing. No, I mean literally. I wonder how many thousands of years do you think until people like – because there's been so many cultures that have had slavery and everything. Yeah, but you can't just forget rape. Right, and also – Yeah. Wait, what? Unless you're one of Bill Cosby's ladies.

But I was going to say, you know, in Germany, the students, the kids, they study the Holocaust. They have a moment each day where they remember the Holocaust. Like, I think remembering this stuff and accepting it and moving on from it is important. So I don't think we should sit around going, let's stop thinking about slavery. Let's think about it more. Oh, my God. Is what I'm saying. Let's think about it more. Oh, my God. Is what I'm saying. If Armenians –

This is like – I know you were joking around. Politics with Doug is like literally one of the most depressing subjects ever. Yeah, no, that was horrible what I just said. Everybody's really down now because I said we should think about slavery. If Armenians could still have a – I didn't say we shouldn't think about slavery. Hey, Daisy.

Fuck it. You said, when's it gonna stop coming up? When are we gonna stop talking about it? Never. We should never stop talking about it.

I didn't say, when are we going to stop talking about it? I just said... Sure, roll back the tape. So, Dicey, you're married, right? I'm married.

Yeah? What's your husband do? He's an actor, and, you know, so we're pretty broke since I'm husband do? He's an actor. We're pretty broke. I'm a comedian. He's an actor. Has he been on anything we know? Some Adidas commercial.

Lifetime movie. Stuff like that. Scary Black Man. That's what he plays. Really? That's cool. He kind of looks like the Predator a little bit. I saw him in the bathroom. This is your boyfriend? That's my husband. He, that's cool. He kind of looks like the Predator a little bit. I saw him in the bathroom. This is your boyfriend? That's my husband.

He's here right now. Oh, shit. Really? Yeah. Oh, shit. Shout out to Travis. Is that him? Did I just immediately find him with my eyes?

Shout out to Travis. Husband finder. I've got good news for him. They just greenlit Battlefield Earth 2. Fuck, yeah. He does look like Pred 2. Fuck yeah. He does look like Predator. Holy shit. Yeah, he does.

I like that. Fucking Larry Fitzgerald. They're making another Predator, too. Oh, I love that. Where'd you meet that guy at? At the grocery store, Fresh and Easy. Oh, fuck yeah. That's perfect.

That's why the white people slam the door in your face. The Fresh and Easy. All right, fuck it then. I'm done. That's perfect. That's why the white people slammed the door on her face. The Fresh and Easy. All right, fuck it then. I'm done. I'm done. What neighborhood is that Fresh and Easy? It was in Hollywood. And our wedding was Hollywood themed.

And we had a girl from TMZ marry us. Wow. And she was like, she was fresh and easy. So that's what. She actually said that in front of my parents at the wedding. The girl from TMZ. What did she do for TMZ? She's one of the hosts on there.

She's actually the only person that replied to our Craigslist ad for a... That is the funniest shit in the world. It's the truth. Do you talk about that? Truth is, she's the only person that replied to our Craigslist ad. Instead of like, you may now kiss the bride, was it, you may now attack the cameraman. Fuck yeah.

Dicey, what's the nicest thing a white person's ever done for you? Let me ask that differently. What's like the... your favorite thing that a white person's ever done for you? Favorite thing. Well, my white friend, I always ask them if I could use them for their whiteness,

like to find an apartment and shit like that. So the nicest thing is finding me an apartment, like calling and being the white voice for me. The West Side Rentals password. Yeah. Oh. Yeah, that's the nicest thing. That's it?

Probably. Jesus. Would you like to do the Ice House this Friday for the Death Squad show? Hell yeah! Whoa, Casey! Look at that! Things are on the up and up. Careers happen to kill Tony. Look what happens if you complain

about racism. We have to overcompensate for it. Welcome to 2016, ladies and gentlemen. Right in front of your fucking eyes. What time on Fridaycompensate for it. Welcome to 2016, ladies and gentlemen. Right in front of your fucking eyes. What time on Friday? 10 o'clock. Don't be late. I won't. Anyway. Dicey. There she goes. She's on Twitter at Dicey

Comedy. Hey, Dicey. Dicey, Dicey. Flying through it. Setting what could be one of our most recent land speed records for getting through people. Can I get another drink? Do you want another one? Yeah.

I'm going to have a Crown Royal and Coke. Round of drinks for everybody, please. Can I get a Miller Lite? Round of drinks for everybody, Josh. Me too. Or anybody. I pulled another name out of the book. Put your hands together for Rich Castaldo.

Is there a Rich Castaldo? Oh, he's coming. Here he is. Rich Castaldo. Fuck yeah. Help Rich. Help him. Give him the mic. Just hand him the microphone. Or put him up. Fuck yeah. You can do it right here.

You want to go back put them up. Fuck yeah. You want to go back or start it there? Yeah, grab the handles. It's happening. Fuck yeah! Rich Costaldo. Yeah, you should give me a round of applause for getting up here, because this is a pain, yes.

Yeah, they did. All right, yeah, so my name's Rich Castaldo. At least it was until I got to Ellis Island. They're like, Casta what? We don't understand what that is. So they shortened it to Dick Castle because it sounds more American. Anyway, so, yeah, I'm doing a sit-down comedy. And I say that, and I know it's stupid and lazy, but, you know, we're here. Anyway, so people ask me why I'm in a wheelchair all the time, which is kind of annoying.

I was actually, I'm Italian, and I was shot nine times, so people think I was in the mafia. Like, what actually happened was I was shot by two white disgruntled goth kids. white disgruntled goth kids. But I have a solution to the problem, and that would be to build a wall around Hot Topic. And that's it. That was a minute already. Here, do some more if you want. Go ahead.

Yeah, I like to smoke. Actually, I have my 420 shirt on. I like to smoke weed sometimes. Yeah, Doug Benson to smoke Actually, I have my 420 shirt on I like to smoke weed sometimes Yeah, Doug Benson and Paz Yeah, but It's not legal everywhere But it's quasi-legal here But when I'm in other states

You have to I stick to government-sanctioned stuff Liquor, porn Yeah, there you go Assault rifle I gave you some extra time, but Jesus Christ and sanctions stuff. Liquor, porn, assault rifle. I gave you some extra time, but Jesus Christ. He had a real good list of all the things that are legal. I don't think that joke had legs, Rich.

Oh, wow. Whoa. Did you go to Columbine? Yeah. Did you go to Columbine? Yeah, I really was at Columbine. And that's not funny because everybody's like, what the fuck? You know.

You didn't really. No, I swear to God. Are you fucking serious? He even has his book bag right here. Holy shit. What? What is this? What are you talking about?

Are you serious? I am 100% serious. Wow. He said he got shot by some goth kids. Yeah, goth kids, Colorado. Add that up. I saw you in the documentary. I saw him in the documentary. Yeah, I'm in that fucking Michael some goth kids. Yeah, goth kids, Colorado. Add that up. I saw you in the documentary. I saw him in the documentary.

Yeah, I'm in that fucking Michael Moore shit, whatever. Yeah, he was on the security camera. Bowling for Columbine? That's the one, yeah. Wow. And you recognize him from that? Yeah. Because that was how many years ago now?

2000. Why does a guy up there know exactly when Columbine happened? He's autistic. What a weirdo. He's autistic. The movie you're talking about came out in 2003, I think. Wow. Is it hard for you to talk

about that day? Yeah, it's not really my favorite topic. Like I said, people ask me that shit all the time. It's like fucking, I don't know. Of course. It's kind of irritating, but at the same time, it's like I gotta overcome. I gotta overcome. Not irritating, but at the same time, it's like I got to overcome. I got to overcome.

Not slavery, but something, you know. It's interesting that, like, we kind of – I don't know how many people put together specifically Columbine from just a couple of goth kids. So we just assumed there was some random goth kids. Like, it's almost like you pretty much kind of need to just really tell us the story. Yeah, I mean, it's definitely – But then again, the hot topic line is pretty funny. It's almost like you pretty much kind of need to just really tell us the story. Yeah, I mean, it's definitely. But then again, the hot topic line is pretty funny, but I don't know how much people would laugh at it in the context of being part of Columbine.

If you were in Columbine, I would just say hit it on the head. If you just say a couple of goth kids, people are going to think it was Pat Reagan and Joel Jimenez that did it to you. Maybe have it in your intro when you play a club, like you know him from Columbine. Yeah, isn't that a challenge, though? He did come out to, like, basketball music, though. What is happening?

Why is this song playing? He keeps playing it because it's about school shootings. Oh, okie dokie. I get it. If you say you're in Columbine in your act, though, you will become like a Columbine guy, and people will ask you questions about it nonstop. That's what I was trying to avoid. I think I see what you're saying.

Well, so maybe don't bring it up at all, then, instead of a veiled reference to it. Yeah, I mean, if you want to tackle it, then you can tackle it. You know, there's certain things that, like, you know, I feel like, how long have you been on stand-up? Not really tackle it, roll over it. Are you taking the Ren Azizi approach to comedy? The who?

Okay. Never mind. I didn't get what. Rich, how long have you been on stand-up, Rich? The last, well, off and on for a few years, but a little bit more serious the last six months, I guess, really. It looks like your side caps are handicapped, too. Like shit.

Side burns. Fuck. Oh, side burns. Oh. Side caps. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Side caps.. Fuck. Oh sideburns. Oh. Sidecaps. Yeah yeah yeah. No sidecaps. They're long.

You got really fucked up sidecaps dude. Gotta go to the bar back it's a sidecap stinking cap see. They're a little long I guess yeah. You got a real

sidecap situation. It's a whole rigamarole over there. Rigamarole. So uh. Fuck yeah. Rich. It's an interesting

conundrum that he presents us. Yeah definitely. It is is one of a kind I do follow up jokes on 9-11 AIDS and Do you do jokes about those things? No

What do you mostly talk about? How much time altogether do you think you have? Of material that you like And that you're confident with I don't know. Altogether. I mean, I have a lot of shit, I guess. But probably.

Just take a guess at it, Rich. Maybe a solid five or six minutes, I think. It almost took you five or six minutes to think of that answer. So I believe you, too. He's the first person out the bucket with a credit, though. There you go. That's true. It is true.

I actually have a few IMDBs. But they're all – well, three-fourths of them are Columbine related, which is irritating. What's the fourth one? It's like this – it's this random thing I was in for one of my friends. It was called Getting Lemons. It's just like – it was like an indie film. Indie doc about – I'm not even really – I'm like an extra, and I'm not even really in it I'm like an extra And I'm not even really in it technically

But still in your top four Well it's an IMDB credit So I'll take it There you go What makes you want to do A sit down comedy I'm fucking tired of being You're that guy blah blah

You know people come up to me And shoot you're that fucking guy It's like oh god I don't want to talk about that shit For the millionth time So now I'm talking about it, but just in a way that's not fucking depressing basically.

Is it enough to make you want to kill? Yeah. He went for it. You put on that makeup and it just changes you. Awesome. I think I just had a pat moment.

I'm going to sit down. You know, Rich, it's like one of the it's unbelievable. Like, so I can't tell, like, are you trying to talk about it yourself to like for therapeutic? Or like, does it feel good? Do you notice when you talk about it on stage?

Uh, well. Or would you think it would feel better if it got like heavy laughs and things like that? Well, I never know how to talk about it. And, like, I'd prefer not to talk about it, but people want to talk about it to me constantly. So if I'm going to talk about it constantly... You should probably not talk about it

if you don't want to talk about it. No, we're talking about it. You're the guys that brought it up. Can I ask you a question? What do you mean we brought it up? You said you were killed by a couple of goth kids. Who's ever heard of that happening? He didn't.

Did you know them? A little sitcom laughter for you. Yeah, one of the myths is that, like, everybody that was shot or injured, like, made fun of them, which totally wasn't true. I was just kind of there. I get, like, trolls online giving me hate mail sometimes. Like, seriously. For what? They think I fucking bullied them

I'm like no you got it totally wrong You bullied them? That's what people think How'd they get your email? At Columbine? You were a bully? No I got it

Wow Interesting Tony's trying to think of puns. There's a rapper that came up with a song recently that said shoot him up like Columbine. Yeah, I've just seen that today. It's Broccoli.

Lil Broccoli. For those of you that like mixing your rap and vegetables, Lil Broccoli is out now. Broccoli, yeah, whatever. broccoli is out now. Broccoli? Yeah, whatever. I never liked vegetables. How long have you been doing comedy? A few years.

It was a few years, but you've been doing it more aggressively the last six months. Yeah, something like that. Yeah, a little more aggressively, yeah. Hey, so what do you do with the getting up on stage every time? It's a hassle, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Why don't they make wheelchairs with, like, built-in ramps?

They do. They're just really expensive. Yeah, there's one for, like, 50 grand that, like, does all. I just watched a YouTube on it, but I think it literally cost 50 grand. Why don't they make wheelchairs that make you walk? They have those. They have those. They have those, though, if you Google it.

I've never heard somebody complaining to a guy in a wheelchair. Why don't they make it perfect for you? Why do you make it so hard on yourself? Yeah. Don't you ask them? Hey, get me a ramp. Don't you call ahead when you go places? But shit, man.

How long have you been in L.A.? I like what he's doing. I like him. Almost 10 years, I guess. 10 years? Something like that. Close to it. What area do you live in?

I live in Hollywood. Yeah. Like five miles east. No, like four miles east of here. Something like that close to it where do you live what area do you live in I live in Hollywood like 5 5 miles no like 4 miles east of here something like that you drive yeah I drive with hand controls

that confuses people too I'm constantly explaining that another thing people come up and pray to me which is annoying because I'm basically

an atheist so I don't like people coming up and praying for me they just start praying did I start praying they just start praying well they like randomly talk to me like hey I want and praying for me. They just start praying? Did I start praying? They just start praying? Well, they randomly talk to me like, hey, I want to pray for you.

I've been in a wheelchair 17 years. It hasn't worked yet, buddy. I don't want to know when it's going to start. Do you talk about that on stage? Yeah. Yeah, I have a joke about that. You have a half a joke about that. I have at least a partial joke about that.

Okay. Fuck yeah. Huh. He just has to decide between talk about Columbine or not talk about it. Because if you talk about it, you know, it's very interesting and unique to you. But also, you know, you may just not want to have to discuss it with every single person. We know a guy that got an HBO special out of saying that he had cancer. What's the first thing you'd do if you got the use of your legs back?

Right? I mean, he might have. And that man is Carlos Mencia. Carlos Mencia. My buddy opened for him, actually. Oh, that's cool. Your buddy opened for Carlos? Yeah, I know this dude, Josh Blue in Denver.

I used to know him. I haven't really talked to him in years. But, yeah, he opened for Carlos Mencia once. Yeah, Josh Blue is dude Josh Blue in Denver. I used to know him. I haven't really talked to him in years. But yeah, he opened for Carlson and Seals. Yeah, Josh Blue is famous from Last Comic Standing. Josh Blue is a good dude. A show you'll probably never be on. Sorry. There it was.

They don't. He could still. He could still be on. Rich, what do you do for work uh nothing right now you hire yeah you probably make like some sweet columbine money huh like there's gotta be some type of payday did michael moore just keep it all for himself yeah yeah yeah yeah a lot of people say i should like i don't know shame him into giving some he didn't give me any of the money no no, no. Did you guys get, like, a cool settlement from that or anything? How does that work?

Oh, yeah, I mean, there was a settlement with, like, the cops and shit. Yeah, I, like, could trust and... Okie dokie. I don't want to talk about that shit. Your instincts were right when you say you don't want to talk about it. Yeah, I think you don't want to talk about it. So maybe, like, you know, just roll with it. Why when you say you don't want to talk about it. Yeah, I think you don't want to talk about it. So maybe just roll with it. Why did you say that?

I swear to God I did not mean to do that. Literally roll with it. I noticed right after I said it. Just ignore it and make a joke or something about the wheelchair. If you don't want to talk about it, then you don't want to talk about it. There's certain things that... You don't have to be a spokesman. There's certain things about my life

that I still haven't... Spokesman. ...talked about because I don't think I'm ready yet. He got it. Rich Costaldo, everybody. There he goes. He's on Twitter at Dick underscore Castle. Dick underscore Castle.

Sounds like heaven, Dick Castle. Just think, Rich, if that lady before you didn't complain about racism, you would almost assuredly be at the Ice House on Friday. Let that bother you for the rest of the week. This is the most helpful insane clown posse ever. This is the quite mellow clown posse.

They're so helpful and sweet. They're really gentlemen, those. Come're so helpful and sweet. The Diet Coke. They're really gentlemen, those. Come on, ladies and gentlemen. One more time for Rich Castaldo. An American hero, literally. That's some insane shit. He's on Twitter at Dick underscore Castle.

If I could get another drink, that'd be great. We have a regular. She does a brand new 60 Seconds every single week. It's one of the toughest things to do. Unlike the people that you saw out of the bucket who debuted a lot of their 60 Seconds sets tonight, she does a new one every single week. Put your hands together for Vanessa Johnston.

Hi, guys. Holocaust. Nazis turned Jews into soap, which is kind of fucked up. Why would you make soap out of a group of people who you think are dirty? I'm never going to round up a bunch of homeless people, turn them into a foam dispenser, and then scrub my face.

But Germans don't care because they smell like shit. Right? They drink beer and eat sauerkraut all day. It doesn't matter what they wash with. So they decide to put the soul in sulfate soap. Does anyone know if they put a disclaimer on the box or if you just had to guess based on price? You're like, this soap is cheap. It's probably part Jew.

Fuck yeah. A special 60 seconds of pure hate speech this week. Really bringing the Holocaust back in a big way. Impressive deep dive. Why would you make soap out of people that are so gross and dirty? And then not only that, but then you attack the Germans after that. I like that. I mean, you're just against

everybody. Double Holocaust. Let the Germans kill the Jews and then you want to kill the Germans after that. I see what's going on. Complete world domination. This is a real like Khaleesi situation we're dealing with. The white person who hates white people. She didn't call the Jews dirty.

The Germans did. I totally got that. Yeah, that's true. Very good. Yeah. It seemed like a few of those jokes near the end, you could actually just wrap it up easier. Instead of having that be its own joke,

just try to take the tag from that and kind of make it sound more natural. Tag it on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, some of those jokes need more time in the oven. Oh. And you're just the clown to lead the kids into it. How, anything else exciting in life happening? No.

Anything else crazy happen this week? I watched Dexter all weekend. That's probably why it's fucked up. Yeah. The first season. The whole thing. All weekend. Yeah. You're going to love it for a couple more seasons. It's like my inner monologue. What? You're going to love it for a couple more seasons.

No, I'm going to cut off the first season. Well, there you go. Vanessa Johnson. Awesome. Thanks, guys. Brand new minute with Vanessa Johnson. We have enough time for a turbo set. We'll go into the bucket one more time. Do your minute. Keep it tight, whoever you are.

Joe Wattler, everybody. Here we go. Hello. I have two boys, and kids are a lot of fun. Hanging out with my kids even inspired me to create a new drink. He makes Juicy Juice, Nodder Pop, Whipped Cream Vodka, Quarter Pixie Stick, and Human Tears. Either from you or the kids, doesn't matter. Then you drink it through a licorice straw and call it a drunken babysitter.

The kids like that drink too. I don't know if it's the booze or the sugar. They pretty sleepy after. It's nice because it has all the flavor of a Casey Anthony, but only the strength of a Cosby Pauliton. That's tight. That's done. That's tight?

That's tight?'s tight That's tight Good night I've been tight you've been great good night Holy shit How long have you been doing stand up for First time Shit sorry Sometimes I guess and I'm dead on

I thought you meant keep it tight like 30 seconds That's a great line If you come too fast That was tight good night Keep it tight like 30 seconds, not like. Yeah. That's a great line if you come too fast. That was tight. Good night. Keep it tight. Everything's all right. Good night.

Please forget everything I said before. Joe, what's your story? What do you do for work? I got to go. That's Joe Watler. There he goes. There he goes. Oh, we got to go.

I shouldn't have gotten to the bucket. I'm sorry. He's on Twitter at maxcapacity1. We've run out of time. We have a hard out. Here's the drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt, ladies and gentlemen. Young Jamie. Wow. On the ship.

Look at that. That's crazy. RyanJEbelt.com Young Jamie, Jamie Vernon on the back. Pat Reagan. You can go. Joe Waltler's max capacity one on Twitter. Pat Reagan's at Patty Reagan. Joel Amino's at Mostly Sorry. Mostly Sorry.

Jerron Horton. Watch Showtime coming up in, what is it, November or something? Not till March. Not till March. Doug Benson. Wow. Screen Junkies Plus, my new show, Pitch Off, starts Wednesday. Fuck yeah.

And watch the Eric Andre show every Friday on Adult Swim. Definitely. Why not? And watch the Comedy Central roast of Rob Lowe, another roast that I wrote for. It's going to be out on Labor Day, so you can watch that. Watch Ann Coulter eat shit like she deserves to.

Terrible human being. You thought Ann Coulter was bad before. It turns out she's worse. I love you all. Thank you, live audience. Good night....... We'll be right back. I know you know my slogan. I'm Bo.