KILL TONY - KILL TONY #174

Episode Date: September 23, 2016

Mike Lawrence, Earl Skakel, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Jeremiah Watkins, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 09/12/2016 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This is Kill Tony. Kill Tony and all the podcasts we do here can be found on our website, deathsquad.tv. There we have video portions to the podcast that we have by going to deathsquad.tv and clicking on videos. And then if you want to see all the tour dates we have, you can click on tour dates. We film Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood, California. And then every Tuesday, we have the Roast Battle, which is the verbal violence podcast here at Death Squad.

And every first and third Friday, we have the secret show at the Pasadena Ice House. You can go to DeathSquad.TV, click on tour dates. Also, don't forget ShopSquad.TV, the official Death Squad merchandise. There you have Death Squad hats and T-shirts, and they're all very, very limited edition. So if you want it, you better get it now because they're almost all sold out. So go to ShopSquad.TV. Tony Hinchcliffe has a website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has all his tour dates.

He also has his merchandise. And check out Ryan J. Ebelt,belt the house artist he draws every episode he also made the poster go to ryan j ebelt dot com and last but not least we are going to be at this year's la pod fest and we are doing a live kill tony on september 23rd here in beverly hills cal California. So if you want to be a part of it, go to LAPodFest.com and click on all the different links there. You can get tickets. You can also watch it live. And if you use the password DeathSquad, you get some money off of that. Go to LAPodFest.com for all the information. All right, guys. Don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. And this is a brand new episode right here of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Kill Tony, Tony Hensclare. Yeah, it's like a real show in here. Come on, Monday Night. You can make more noise than that. Let the people on Ustream right now know that we are in front of a live audience having more fun on a Monday than the rest of fucking America. Craziest show in the world.

You guys ready to have some fun tonight or what? I'm pumped. I'm super excited. A lot of fun stuff coming up. You've been on the road. How's the oddball fest going? Oddball was amazing. Had a lot of fun in Chicago, Toronto, and Detroit.

And I just did the Tulsa Blue Whale Comedy Festival, which was a lot of fun. You did Toronto, and Detroit. And I just did the Tulsa Blue Whale Comedy Festival, which was a lot of fun. You did singing, didn't you? Yeah, I did the goddamn comedy jam there. Jeremiah Watkins was there on the saxophone, my very good friend Jeremiah. And we played Careless Whisper. He played it

on his saxophone, and that's out there on the internet somewhere. San Francisco, tomorrow night I headline your fine city. Tomorrow night and the next night. Sacramento, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Boston's Wilbur Theater, October 8th. And Australia, I am all yours. October 18th through the 30th, Tony Hinchcliffe.

Headline Sydney, Brisbane, and Melbourne, Australia. So that's for you listening to the podcast. You don't have to clap at that. That's just, I have to do that so that the listeners come see me live. And we're also going to be at the LA PodFest this year. It's September 23rd is the date we're going to do that. We're going to pick out some people from Kill Tony

to come with us. So join us if we're going to that podcast festival. Go to lapodfest.com. And the Come and Take It Festival, Kill Tony is also doing live in Houston, Texas, November 20-something. So that's in November. Come and Take It Fest. So if you live in Houston, Texas, just know to Google Come and Take It Fest.

And you're going to find out the date before we do. What's the deal with that name, Come and Take It Fest? It sounds weird. Come and take it. Take this comedy. Come and take it. Take this comedy. Come and take it. I don't know. There's probably some meaning to it.

I didn't ask the oddball people what that meant or the just for laughs, their definition on theirs. Anyway, what does it mean? That's another question for you to Google after the show. But believe it or not, we're in the show right now. Wow. That's a weird one. That was deep, bro. Should we're in the show right now. Wow. That's a weird one. That was deep, bro. Should we bring up the band?

Sure. All right. Before we bring up the guests, let's bring up the Kill Tony band. You know them. You love them. It's Reagan Watkins and Joel Jimenez. Oh. Oh. It's because of football.

It's football, guys. It's football season. You get it? It's the football. You get it, you retards? It's the football season. You get it? It's the football. You get it, you retards? It's the football song. It's like the idea of calling the audience a retard while I have a big W on my chest.

I love it. R-W. What does that mean? Reagan and Watkins. Oh, wow. I didn't even think of that. Hey, wait. Where's Joel? Have you guys seen Joel? Wasn't he just up here?

I saw him earlier in the night. Oh, no. I think he's been taken. Do you maybe have a way of being able to summon him up here? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You have to get up so that the people can see. Oh, my God!

It seems as though you have to get up so that the people can see. A lot of thought went into this one, guys. Joel, are you okay? What happened? I was kidnapped by Ann Coulter. Oh! She said if Trump's not getting rid of all the Mexicans, she's going to do it. Wow.

Wait, where did she keep you? I think her vagina or her butt. It was dark either way. Wow. Joel Jimenez surviving the current tough conditions for a Mexican as he pulls the rest of the duct tape off of his face. So the band is here. Good to have you guys. Feeling good? How do you guys feel tonight?

Pretty solid, Tony. Pretty solid. Really glad to be back. Feels good in this room. I was just talking about the fun we had playing one of the two songs that you know how to play on saxophone over the weekend. Yeah, it was pretty special. So maybe we'll get a little taste of that at some point

during the show. Yeah. But I'm glad you guys brought up Ann Coulter. You know why? Because one of our guests is the guy that I helped. Me and him helped. Tried to help her. We tried, but we Tried to help her. We tried, but we literally tried to help her.

Our brain, all she had to do was read the prompter, but she didn't want to do it. Your guests tonight, two of the funniest comedians. You've seen them here before. They're two of the funniest human beings I know, and we're about to have a fucking blast as I bring to you Mike Lawrence and Earl Skakel, ladies and gentlemen.

Here they come. Big Earl Skakel and Mike Lawrence. Two guys that have been on the show multiple times, two of my funniest friends, two of the most successful. How does it feel to watch other people be funny with their shirts off? Gimmick infringement.

Lawsuits are pending. The roast battle never ends. Two of the best top contenders from the finals of roast battle. Mike Lawrence and Earl Skakel are here, ladies and gentlemen. Come on. Oh, the champ is here. He is. I saw the roast recap.

It's good to have Mike Lawrence and his sidekick here. Trust me, I'm still out of breath from carrying him through that. What's this, the Earl Skakel roast? I got more money than both of you put together. Oh, shit. We've gone full WWE already with Mike and Earl out here. Why does it look like you made your own T-shirt? This cost $500.

I don't know what that costs. I'd be ashamed to wear it. That looks like what Captain Morgan wears when he picks up his kids from soccer practice. Are you making fun of how I look? You look like an Amberler combined. You did that last week on the roast. And it worked both weeks. I'll do it next week.

I'll take using the same shit for 400, Alex. My line's making fun. Do you guys both get your glasses at Lens Crappers? Hello. Whoa. He actually has that written on a piece of paper. What is that? It's called written material. Heard of that written on a piece of paper. What is that? It's called written material.

Heard of it, Hinchcliffe? Yeah. Yeah, I have. What, you write on Undateable? No, they laughed. Wow. Well, here you go. This is the type of fun you're in for.

We're taking shots at each other like crazy. And unfortunately for a lot of comedians, they signed up for tonight's show. They have the opportunity to do 60 seconds. And then after that uninterrupted 60 seconds, uninterrupted being the key there from everybody, then we talk to them about anything in the world. Maybe we find out more stuff about their personal lives, other things they could talk about on stage. Maybe we punch up what we heard, something. We just get a vibe from them after seeing them do 60 seconds.

Comedians, you know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring up the angry West Hollywood bear. All right. Okie doke. Awesome. Wait, was the bear fucking a pig and then decided to eat it?

There was like a narrative there. There was a little mouse running around too for some reason. I could tell the mouse sound effect when I hear it. I feel good. You guys ready to get this fucking thing started or what? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Guys, again, I get it.

This isn't Saturday. It's Monday. But are you ready to see a goddamn crazy show or what? Shaky crowd tonight. You guys need to all do a shot and loosen up. Really? It's a fucking tight crowd tonight, Jeremiah. What do you think about this?

I feel like we need to loosen them up. You know what? This guy that I just pulled out was the guy that got pulled out last show. So, super lucky. Probably the first time ever a comedian's done back-to-back spots on this show. Last on the last show, first on this show.

A lot of energy. Very funny young dude. Here he is. David Shine, everybody. Welcome to Every everybody. Yeah! What's up, everybody? This shit is off, but whatever. I got a loud enough voice. I think that it's good to be racist against

people in certain situations. Not like racist against people in general, because that's ignorant, but racist against people in certain situations. Like, for example, I went to a Chinese food place to get some food, and the cashier was a white guy he's like can i help you and i was like nah it's racist right but it's racist in a good situation like i'm not gonna let a fucking white guy make my chinese food they can make me a sandwich white people make great sandwiches they put like mayonnaise on it and shit delicious i'm not

gonna let a fucking white guy make my Chinese food. I like my Chinese food made the old-fashioned way by Mexicans. Oh my goodness. They put fabulous sulfur in it and shit. Got your whole house smelling like oranges. God damn. I think that's enough, right? Cool? A minute? 46 seconds. If that's it,

then that's it. David Shine. Fuck yeah. Will not let a white guy make your Chinese food. That's it. David Shine. Fuck yeah. Will not let a white guy make your Chinese food. That's right. That was adorable, Jeremiah. When you can't be funny, just make everybody want to cry for a second. Very good. Anyway, I know you can

be funny. I meant that in a good way. That was so much our life. Yeah, I gotcha. I knew that in a good way. That was so much our life. I gotcha. I knew David in New York where those broad generalizations didn't work as well. White people in mayonnaise.

I love it. In 1999. You look like the guy that dies at the beginning of the movie. Wait, we're not going to say what we look like because you already know what you look like. Well, then you better say it, David. What does he look like? What do I look like? A guy who loves mayonnaise?

Pretty much. Excuse me. I would like to purchase some mayonnaise, please. Jars and jars of it. Yo, is this thing on? All right, go ahead. It's on. Yeah, it's on.

You're interrupting Mike's great insight. I was excited to see what was going to happen. Me too. David, so is this a real story? Did you do this bit? Have you done this bit before for a while now? Yes, for a while now, yeah. And a white guy was making your Chinese food?

Yeah. This was in New York? This was in New York, yeah, definitely. What really happened? Did you eat it? No, like I went to a Chinese restaurant and it was actually a white dude and I was like, that's actually funny. And he was being the waiter? No, he was like the cashier, like, you know what I'm saying? And then like... You mean the owner?

No, no, yeah, probably the owner. But no, no, but then I looked It was owner You're not going to let a black guy touch the money No definitely not Earl Skakel also plays Earl Skakel also plays a character It depends what he looks like The house racist on Tuesdays At the LA roast battle Yeah it's a character

You look like you guys fight each other in an off-Broadway production of Gran Torino. Guys, audience, where are you at? Get on board! That one wasn't good. I'll take that one. No, no, Gran Torino, great movie. Yeah? Hey, you were in a thing.

You were in a movie. It's short, Earl. We shot a thing called Grand Torino. Check it out. It's me, David Arquette, another guy, and Earl Skakel. So look up Grand Torino, Pat Regan, David Arquette. That's the worst fucking answer. Yeah, what the fuck?

All right. Okay, so David. Audience, please don't give up on us. Please don't give up on us. It's going to improve. Don't worry. So what restaurant was it in New York where there was a white? It was across the street from the stand.

Or not the stand. It was a new one. It was over. The long one. The bus one. The long one. David, do you just talk over anything? I was talking to him.

He was asking the question. You literally just kept answering the question while there's a whole thing going on. Oh, my bad. He was asking a question. Fuck. Thank you. Thank you.

This is one of the weirdest starts of this show ever. And I like it that way. Your racism is doing as bad as my obscure references. My racism is getting laughs. David, you were on last week. Has anything crazy happened this week and this past week that we didn't talk about last week? Yeah. A lot of people hit me up because you said my name on the Joe Rogan.

I did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, I can't believe. You mentioned me on the Joe Rogan podcast and a lot of people were talking about me and shit. That's it. I was giving an example of what can happen on Kill Tony and I was there the day after on Tuesday. Much appreciated.

Anything else interesting happen that's actually interesting? Yeah, man. My life changed. All right. Living in mansions now is crazy. All right, buddy. We'll see you again soon. A new minute from David Shine. Thank you very much. And I wrote that video. He's on Twitter at DaveShineComedy.

That's great because... There you go. Another little sample. That's so awesome because you talked about him on Kill Tony. He got to do Kill Tony again. What a real... The random luck of the bucket on that one. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket.

We know her. She's been on a couple times. Put your hands together for Nicole Buchanan, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. I wish I was less approachable. It's kind of the vibe I have. Like guys will hit on me not always because they're attracted to me, but because I'm like a safe person to practice on. Like a cute chubby waitress or a slightly bangable second cousin.

My eyes don't really open all the way. Thank you. Some people call like sleepy eyes or bedroom eyes, but mostly it just looks like I'm on something and people told me that all the time growing up they were like you look like a pothead and I was like I don't know what that means I'm eight years old I get nervous going into interviews that people are gonna think I'm high so I go an extra alert like hey how are you that way instead of thinking I'm like a lazy pothead they think I'm the much more I go an extra alert, like, hey, how are you? That way, instead of thinking I'm like a lazy pothead,

they think I'm the much more productive crackhead. That should be a minute, right? No? That is exactly a minute right there. Wow. That was awesome. Nicole Buchanan, everybody. That's super cool. It's been a while since you've been on.

I feel like that's a super solid performance. Thanks. Yeah, you do look that way. That's why it works. I do. So I've been told. So that's funny. Yeah, it was great.

Thanks. I mean, that's part of comedy is making fun of yourself in the way that other people see you first. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Totally. I'm good at making fun of myself.

How long can you do that for? How long can I make fun of myself? Yeah. I do it in my head all the time. I'm, like, really mean to myself. Four hours a day. Marathon self-love. No, I don't know.

I just do, like, the beginning of my set I make fun of myself a little because I say some mean shit later and it like warms the crowd up to me saying mean shit. And like, yeah, so. Perfect. No, I do it for a few minutes and then I stop. Not going to make fun of myself the whole set. What do you do for work? Right now I'm unemployed. I just graduated.

So I'm working. I'm looking for a day job. What's your degree in? Political science. I want nothing to do with it. Yeah. I mean, like, all I care about is doing comedy, so I'm just looking for any day job.

You do a lot of spots at night? Mm-hmm, yeah. Yeah, I try and go up every night. That's awesome. How many times do you go up a week? Probably 12 to 14. That's awesome. How many times do you go up a week? Probably 12 to 14. That's good. Wow.

That's awesome. Big Earl, anything for Nicole? I thought she was great. I mean, it's hard to be funny that fast a minute in. You know, when you were funny right off the bat. Self-deprecating. So keep it up. Thank you.

It sucks when they're good. It it up it sucks when they're good it really sucks for us when they're good like there's nothing there's nothing to do like yeah that was we we literally the three of us narrated what we just saw like previously on kill tony you went up you made fun of yourself you had good jokes and we all laughed do you want me to do it over? I can bomb hard. Can the next person be shitty and delusional? I want someone who has their own name and a veil on their t-shirt. How would you like to do the L.A. Podfest, this show, on September 23rd?

I would love to. Boom, there you go, Nicole Buchanan. Breaking news. The first comedian added to September 23rd's Kill Tony live from the LA Podfest. There she goes. Follow her on Twitter at NicoleBecannon.

She just ran up like she won the prices right or something like that. If you don't run to the car right away, you don't get to keep the spot. At NicoleBecannon, B-E-C. Come on, someone. No real names. I want like Whack-A-Doodle or someone.

This is a funny bucket. It gives it to you sometimes. Mr. Pickles, come on. I feel like I've pulled this name out before. I don't know. Here we go. Jarell Benafre. All right.

Come on down. Afray. Come on down. Here's Raoul. Easy. So, yeah, it's Superman's dad's name, but it's really a black name in real life. It's a black name.

I know this because no one calls me for employment. I don't have a job anymore. Fuck yeah. I recently got an eyebrow piercing, so now I look like a Filipino lesbian. That works. Um, fuck. So, I don't know why non-Asian girls don't like Asian guys. I guess it's like a fetish for them, because, I don't know.

But give us a chance, really really because look at your vibrators what the fuck does it say made in china that's right like fuck i've been taking care of my grandpa lately i had to buy him diapers and there's only one brand depends that's a horrible name for that. Diaper. Because you're going to ask yourself, do these diapers work? Depends. Always. Closing with one of the worst jokes I've ever heard in my life.

I mean, truly, one of the worst jokes. Sometimes, you know, you get what you ask for so thank god I thought it started good but there's one thing that was like terrifying to me after every joke you stared into the audience's

souls and were like you're gonna fucking laugh right cause if you don't fucking laugh I'm gonna do things to your face that I've done to my face. There you go. You have like a very intense stage presence. Yeah, it's very like the.

It's very Pearl Jam's Jeremy. I feel like after every joke, we should just all be standing with blood on our shirts. You're somewhere between the Sklar brothers and the Menendez brothers. I like the way his eyes dart back and forth like a droid. I'm pretty sure that's just the opiates in his system right now. Allegedly. Have I seen you on Intervention? All right, Jeremiah, question?

I liked his delivery a lot because it was like a huge muscular guy challenging to a street fight and then that guy got hit by a truck and then he would go, that's right. I liked his delivery too, literally, because I'm pretty sure he's my E24 driver. Am I the only one that has that app? All right.

Great app. Any restaurant. Postmates for you peasants out there oh yeah uh for you for you uber xers it's uh all right jorrell uh earl uh it was so funny what he said he just couldn't help himself uh so much for the uninterrupted 60 seconds but i love how you rolled with it but earl an unbelievable point, which is you have the same name as Superman's father? What were your parents...

The thing that bothered me was that he was like, but in the real world it's a black man's name? No, Superman is in the real world. Don't you fucking take that from me. Wow. What's it like having... Did your parents ever explain that to you? No

Did you ever ask them? Have you ever talked to your parents before about anything? I actually sent him in a rocket ship As the Philippines exploded Make it across the ocean You really do look like the drug dealer to the surf ninjas Make it across the ocean, Jor-El. You really do look like the drug dealer to the surf ninjas. That is a brilliant reference.

I love that one. Jor-El, what do you do for work? I actually work at Target. Wow, what Target? It's in Moreno Valley. It's near Riverside. It's super far away. Is that where you work at Target. Wow. What Target? It's in Moreno Valley. It's like near Riverside. It's super far away. Is that where you live? Yeah. He works at Target and yet the last joke's missed the mark.

Joel Jimenez on the percussion. Alright. Jarrell. How long have you been working at the Target? For three years now. You have a girlfriend? Now I do. Now you do?

Yeah, because last time I was on the show. After that Target job that put you in the role? No, no. After three years in the Target business. Last time I was on the show, I got off a four-year relationship. Oh, really? Yeah. And then I did some yo-yo shit.

Some amazing yo-yo shit. I asked you if you have any special skills, and you said that you liked to yo-yo. I asked you if you had a yo-yo on you in joke fashion, and the answer was yes. Do you have it on you right now?

Yeah. Would you be willing to do another yo-yo trick? Yeah. Wow, he just looked do another yo-yo trick? Yeah. Wow, he just looked at the ceiling for you podcast listeners. And here we go. A yo-yo trick live on Kill Tony. Hurry up, Jarrell.

You don't have 60 seconds for this one. Oh, shit. Here we go. Wow. Wow. This guy is good. For you podcast listeners, he just did the type of yo-yoing you can only

expect from a guy that's been working at Target for three years. It's very impressive. I just imagine the Target manager going, quit yo-yoing around. And you're going like, one day I'll escape this Target and show them my yo-yo skills. They'll see. Jorrell. Man, so you have a new girl you've been seeing? Yeah, but she was my old girlfriend from before

Oh, you went back to the girl you were with for four years? No, no, before her Wow, going way back How did this happen? Honestly, I think it's because I took her to Hawaii To be honest You took her to Hawaii? On a target salary?

Three years, every day, wearing the red collared shirt, steaming it before my shift. He's like, I just got into comedy to support my yo-yo skills. How'd you learn to yo-yo? When did you do that? How alone were you? YouTube videos? YouTube videos YouTube videos? There's yo-yo YouTube videos?

Dude, I bought a yo-yo book in my age I just imagine if you master yo-yoing you will eventually hang yourself with the yo-yo. I learned the final trick. So that's interesting to me. Going back to a girl that you were with four years before.

Doesn't that sort of feel weird to you? Yes. Do you miss the girlfriend you just broke up with? Do you think you're going to go back to the future? Are you just doing a rotation here? See, what happened was he pushed the girl away and then on a string it came

suddenly back to him. Mike motherfucking Lawrence is live on Kilt Tony. Who was walking the dog? That's what I asked. Philosophically. Why walk it when you can eat it? Whoa.

We got some Asian references up in here. They just say if Earl doesn't make that joke, you should. I was about to. He beat me to the punch. Always do. Alright, well, Jarrell, that's cool beans, man.

It was nice meeting you. You started okay, and then you fizzled off terribly. Like, when you wrote that Depends joke, you literally thought, like, wow, Depends, the only adult diaper. The name of the product is literally Depends. He probably was stalking Depends at Target. He's like, I'm inspired by my daily life. It wasn't done yet, but I got the meow, you know. It was probably bad anyway, so fuck it.

Why would you say that? Because I was going to say, like, always, that's a good name for the pads. Oh, you're glad you're a people man. Wow. Fuck yeah. All right. Jarrell, how do you say your last name? Benasfre.

Benasfre. Benaspre. Yeah. It's like a whole different name. Yeah. Benaspre. Anything else, Jarrell? All right. Back to Narcos you go.

Jarrell Benaspre, everybody. His Twitter handle is the word Facebook for some reason. I just masturbated. Fuck yeah. Here we go. Already pulled another name out of the bucket. This isn't fair because that's not on the legal paper. I hope this next person is also a juggler.

I don't know who's just dropping receipts in the bucket, but that's ridiculous. Put your hands together for Steve Lee. I must confess I'm not on your list Cause you love me more I'm here

And give me a sign Give me baby one time All right, that's about 30 seconds. Good night, everybody. So, I'm a prop comic, guys. I'm actually not disabled. It's just that all my arms and legs are made in China. What, too soon guys? When I was a kid, all the bullies, their lines on

me is like, Steve, you got ladies hands, ladies hands. I got so upset for years until I discovered masturbation. Sometimes I like to wake up and do a little role play. I call my hands Lindsay Lohan's. Wow. Steve motherfucking Lee. Holy shit. Is this your...

Steve, stick with me. I just masturbated. That actually... Somehow you fulfilled a prophecy there because Steve did talk about that. So Steve, is this your first time on this show? Yes. But I've seen you do roast battle before, correct?

Well, that is awesome. Welcome to the show, Steve. So funny. Thank God that was good because none of us wanted to have to be mean about that. Oh. Yeah. I was really hoping you were going to acknowledge

that whole hand thing you got going on, Steve. What if he just came up and was like, women be shopping, am I right? Do you ever put nail polish on it? Do you ever like... It seems like you might have to get somebody else to put the nail polish on it if you ever do want to see. It's going to look like you're going to end up looking like a clown after that.

You got a hell of a gimmick. This is quite the act you have. So do you just keep your real arms like behind your back or something like that? Most people think they could make the shape of a swastika. I do have a joke about that. I bet you do. It looks like a corner of a swastika. I do have a joke about that. I bet you do. It looks like a corner of a swastika if you look at it that way.

That's incredible. What is your condition? I have no... Unbelievable. Being Asian, I guess. That's my condition. Is that what it is? Now I see why you guys are such terrible drivers.

Can't quite reach that wheel, can you? Red Bench has finally met an Asian he doesn't want to fuck. Michael Ornstein, the horse of truth has been awakened. Wow, Steve Lee, this is awesome, man. I love this. Funny guy. You have the balls to do roast battles, so you can take the jokes. Actually, I was roasting another disabled guy who has cerebral palsy, Joe Irrell,

and he hit me up. He challenged me first. I was terrified, so I turned it down. They made an episode on the South Park about this, right? Yeah, on that good old-fashioned program

The South Park. I think I read this in the South Park. Me and my lady watched The South Park on the television set. Giddy up, it's a real humdinger. Oh, who could have snickered a bucket about it?

We eat our swans and dinners and think about the divorce silently to ourselves. Got hit in the head with a newspaper the other day. Dad, will you play catch with me? Not now, son, the South Park is on. Steve Lee. Yes, sir. How old are you? Did you?

I'm 39. 39? Fuck yeah. What do you do for work? I know you're not a dealer in Vegas. You ain't making pizzas either. Can you see a book he got to him? I used to do video editing and graphic work.

So my background is like graphic design, video editing, and I am not very good at it. and I am not very good at it. What does that say when there are able-bodied people up here that are unemployed and this guy is a fucking professional video editor? You lazy motherfuckers. So I was in the Bay Area. So I was working with the startup company when they make tutorial videos. And my company went down.

What was the name of your company? I'm sorry? What was the name of your company? I don't even remember. There's so many of them. So they're like small little ones here and there. You don't remember the company you worked for? Yeah, I don't really give a fuck about them.

Wow. There you go. He's just constantly thinking of the God that hates him. Hell of a juggler, though. You know, when you stand a certain way, you look like two pieces

of a Tetris going together. All right. Another well-described something from Brian Redman. I don't know. It looks, see? The Tetris.

It's my favorite game. You've been playing the Tetris, boy. Steve, what do you like to do for fun? I know it's not yo-yoing. If Steve busted out a yo-yo right now, my head would explode. His hands are just flopping. Alright.

Got a little reel there on the hands flopping thing. I know where the line is. I can step on it if I want. Can you play rock, paper, scissors? I'm guessing he can only throw paper. I can't do scissors, so that's my scissors. Bet you could.

Wow. He can't do scissors, so that's my scissors. I bet you could. Wow. He can't do scissors. All right. It's 2016. This is the closest thing we have to a cyborg. All right. What I love is you're such a killer that when something doesn't hit, you can literally say anything and just get all the benefits

as if it killed. It's amazing. That's what happens. I feel the failure, though. So, Steve, give me some answers to what you like to do for fun. Video game. I like Star Wars shit. Star Wars shit. Star Wars games. How do you play video games?

Not genuinely interested. Dance Dance Revolution? Oh, on the phone. Yeah, on the phone. I'd love to see your clicker. Oh, fuck that. So video games, what kind of Star Wars shit are you into? Well, there's a great game called Star Wars Heroes,

and you earn a lot of credit. Star Wars Heroes. You earn a lot of credit. Star Wars Heroes. Han Solo puts mayonnaise on his and Lando judges him for it. I'll have the 12-inch Millennium Chicken. Steve Lee

laughed at that one and he's the Star Wars fan so you can all go fuck yourself. Thank you. Thank you. There's some fucking laughter. And I watch YouTube videos and stuff like that. That's what you do for fun? YouTube videos? I'm a geek man.

YouTube videos, the South Park. I'm a geek so What's the geekiest thing you've ever done? Because I believe you when you say you're a geek. I used to study animation. Brian Redbeck. I dated an animator. I was drawn to her. Hey, that's my boy Patty

Reagan, you pieces of shit. Give him more than that. Steve, so you studied animation. You ever hook up with a lady or something like that? You ever go, you know? Well, I mean, actually there was a point I hated my job, so I quit and I became a photographer. You started taking pictures?

Yeah, a disabled photographer. Disabled photographer? I know, right? That's a genre? Just a bunch of crooked-ass pictures? Just a bunch of shoes? Just a bunch of shoes. Dude, every part of your life is a documentary I would never watch.

Oh, I loved 45 Minutes In when he went to animation school. I love that you're laughing at all this, Steve. You have a great sense of humor. So wait, tell me about this lady. What happened? Where were we? Photography. I was pretty good.

I had a photography studio in Hong Kong. There are some big, you know, a lot of models want to be. I was pretty good. I had a photography studio in Hong Kong. I bet you did. And then, like, you know, there are some big, you know, a lot of models want to be. And I guess she's. A lot of models wanted what? A lot of models want to be, you know, like. A lot of models want to be?

Yeah, they want to do. A lot of wannabe models? Models, yeah. Oh, yeah. You put the Kung Pao before the chicken there. That was not. You got a lot of models wannabe out there. And, you know, I guess it's one of those...

Oh, my God, he's so inspirational. He's taking pictures. I'm like, okay. And then I did a good job. I was trying to think of that earlier, the reference of what that would be. Is that what that? What's the little thing? Is there like a GoPro?

Is there like a Terry Richardson of disabled photographers? What the fuck? Is there like a famous? The guy I am apprentice for, he's on an electric wheelchair. So he could only do one angle. And I didn't know any better. I was like, oh my God, this guy is amazing. You didn't know Eddie Vedder from the band?

You should read audiobooks. At one point, Eddie Vedder was a model wannabe. I thought you could only take one angle. It's like the pictures are shitty, but they're so inspiring. Steve, I'm trying to figure out if you've ever been laid. No, I did. We're five minutes into this. Yeah, he's been laid.

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. By desperate Hong Kong models who wanted to make it. Or, are you talking about like the paid or not? How many rows? Wow. I like. No, I'm not paid for dinner i mean i want i want to talk more about this this sounds interesting when you do get when you have had

uh when you have hooked up with the prostitute is there a specific kind that you i've done a couple of times i was in hong kong so it was a. Sure. In Hong Kong, do they keep them all laid out under red lights? Like in steel pants? What I know. Like they do with Chinese food, you pieces of shit! Like this room tonight at all. In Hong Kong, how do you say, let's just fucking do this already? Actually, I was rejected many times because they don't want to have anything to do with disabled people.

They think I give them bad luck or have disease. Bad luck? Are you kidding me? You look like a Chinese lucky cat. How can you give bad luck? I mean, your arm just swings. Wait, are you telling me Hong Kong whores have a choice? What the fuck?

They get to have dignity. And probably they think I have disease or something. I don't know. I don't. How many roses did you have to pay? What was that mean? How much cash did it cost to blow it out? I don't know.

So let's get to the nitty gritty. You go there. Some of them passed on you, which means that the chick that hooked up with you, let's face it, this chick will do anything. So did she do anything crazy that you weren't expecting? No, just the regular stuff. Steve? Yeah. What'd you say? Just the regular stuff.

Just the regular stuff. She just bit your egg roll. Alright. Well, that's cool. Anything else, Steve? Anything else that you think is interesting about you that we might want to know? This was so fun until alright well that's cool anything else Steve anything else that you think is interesting about you that we might want to know this was so fun until it just got into prostitution

when this became a vice episode normally it was a big twist I mean had he said he was with a black woman or something like that the place would have gone crazy so last year you have got to stop doing that I mean, had he said he was with a black woman or something like that, the place would have gone crazy. Brian, you have got to stop doing that for a couple episodes.

We have to take a physical break from it. It doesn't work. He's Red Band. Red Band. Red Band. Wow. There you go Alright Steve anything else Before you have the long long Long walk back to

Back to your seat I have some opportunity last year to feature in Asia So I performed in Singapore Kuala Lumpur To do stand up So I'm very I feel like you know my comedy Is kind of. No, I'm... To do stand-up, so... I'm very... I feel like, you know, my comedy's kind of picking up,

so I'm feeling kind of blessed. We know you're proud to be an American, Steve, because you are eternally doing the Pledge of Allegiance, so... You guys are pussies, man. I'm serious. I do this every Monday, so if you think I'm wrong, you're wrong.

Every Monday. Every fucking Monday. And we give them the business on the TV with the South Park. So you guys don't know what's going on, you idiots. So we're going to keep getting this guy down until he's into tears and say goodbye. Awesome. Awesome. Wow. That was impressive.

Super point. If this was at midnight, you'd have so many points for that, Jeremiah. I hate when people feel bad for me when you guys make fun of me. I'm like, come on, man. We're in a fucking comedy. That's right. Steve's on my side, you motherfuck fun of me. I'm like, come on, man. We're in a fucking comedy. That's right. Steve's on my side, you motherfuckers. Represent.

That's our gang sign, motherfuckers. Speaking of gangs, are you a cripple? Very good. That deserved a fucking laugh. That's another one. Are you a crip? Steve literally just said he wanted it. And then pats the dick?

No, no, no. But I say judging every individual handicapped joke by their own merits is real progress. Yeah. And if anybody puts the hand in Handicapped, it's Steve. Let's face it. You guys, give Steve a hand or two of them. Couple arms.

Literally, please, give him a hand. Off the stage. Somebody help him off the stage. Steve Lee. He's about to crowd surf. We almost had our first crowd surfer ever. Accidental crowd surfing.

One more time for Steve Lee, everybody. Come on. He's on Twitter. It's Steve Lee Comedy. How awesome is that I hope he doesn't get into politics because he'd be crooked see that was good that's what he wants you idiot

every Hong Kong whore he's with has to make fun of him the whole time like that's part of it say I look like a dinosaur ooh I think I fucked T-Rex last night that was the weirdest Asian voice ever that was like an Asian voice but also a Jewish one

ooh I look like I fucked a T-Rex my hands are so moist. Woody Allen's kid. Oh my God. Is that what I sounded like? All right. I pulled a name out of the bucket. This looks like a new name.

Put your hands together for Daryl Williams. Here we go. How you guys doing? Have you guys watched the new Jungle Book movie? Yeah, it's unrealistic as fuck. And I'll tell you why. It's not because of the animals animals that talk or the larger than life orangutan. It's because that boy's loincloth never falls off the entire movie. Like no matter what peril he gets into, it never falls off. Like he falls out of a waterfall. He does like all through

like a yank, yak stampede and it never falls off like believe me i'm sure you guys are thinking to yourself why does this guy want to see a uncircumcised indian boy's penis so bad and i don't i want to see realism in these movies people and i'll i'll let you know uh one little thing and here's some truth if you dress up a toddler in a loincloth and push him down the stairs, that loincloth has fallen off. It is. All right, guys. I felt that this was going to go a little better.

Fuck yeah. You felt well. Daryl Williams. I would say I would have said you had the stage presence of a crippled Asian man I know Saw one come up here and do amazing

You literally can watch it now and go What do I have that he doesn't besides functional motor skills I know I need to follow that guy some more often That was bad So you were watching the Jungle Book functional motor skills. I know. I need to follow that guy some more often. And grasp my punchlines. Yeah, that was bad. So you were watching The Jungle Book waiting for the boys'

loincloth to come out. Fuck, you were actually listening? It was me by myself. You were watching the stampede scene saying, when am I going to see some dick? Yep.

I mean, for you, it was weird making fun of you because you look like every person that would pay to see me live. I know. He's dressed as weird making fun of you because you look like every person that would pay to see me live. I know. He's dressed as Mike Lawrence's fan base. I want to be like you.

Like you. Walk like you. Talk like you. Tip top. Oh, like you. You know, comedy is about like timing and wit and punchlines. You know, the bare necessities. Hit it.

If you guys were only wearing loincloths, it would have been great. Take that. Daryl. All right. Daryl, alright. Daryl, you were up here for 60 seconds and we know absolutely nothing about you. That's true, that's true. And this is a segment.

One of the newest segments on Kill Tony, invented in the past couple months, called Who Are You? You have entered the honesty chamber, Daryl. Are you ready to accept this mission? Sure. Where are you from? Long Beach.

How long have you been doing stand-up? A whole six months. What do you do for work? I'm in IT for a healthcare company. What's your family like? They're kind of horrible. Tell us more about that, Daryl. I have a twin sister.

Wow, does she look like you? I swear I've been getting that all my life. System shutdown. What's her number? Earl wants her number. She gave him his best comedy advice. All right.

When you lose them on uncircumcised Indian penis, you'll gain them back by pushing toddler down the staircase. So your twin sister's Brian

Posehn? She wishes. And he's dying Posehn. Daryl, you're born and raised in Long Beach? Actually, I was born in Placentia Which is just outside of Yeah, we were all born in Placentia

We know that We know that, dude It was That's literally just the word Placentia Said by Sylvester the Cat Yep Placenta. I was immediately so jealous that you were getting that.

I was like, fuck. It's like you were singing in a band called Placenta. Nope. Alright, Daryl. Tell us more about you. Tell us things about you. Fun facts about you that you think make you stand out as a human being. Because I'll tell you this, I've met a lot of people from Long

Beach and they're all cursed with being horribly boring people. I'm just kidding, guys. I'm just kidding. I used to be a Disneyland character. Okay. Let me guess. The pedophile. Yes.

The frozen corpse of Walt Disney. I was Eeyore, Buzz Lightyear, Pluto. Mostly those characters. That really, that lets you know what your boss thinks of you when they have you be Eeyore. I'm not saying you're the saddest person in the break room, but go back out there and be the really sad donkey. So you worked at a place for kids, one of the biggest place for kids, and all your material was about fucking kids. You know, in retrospect, I probably shouldn't have led with so much pedophile material.

Yeah. Yeah. No, it's great. Now we have evidence when something happens. Yep. The police can look into your pedophile. Yep. Whoa.

All right. File. I got you there. Word file. Daryl, you better keep admitting things like the Disney character. Keep going. Tell us creepy things about it. You ever been arrested?

I almost got arrested for accidentally setting fire to a dog. Wait a second, wait a second. I heard some key words in there that I find a little shady. One was almost, another was accidentally. Let's hear the shortest version you have of this story.

Were you lighting a... All right. My friend and I, well, a bunch of our friends, or my friends, were driving home one night, and we saw it was already a dead dog on the side of the road. You saw a dead dog? Yes. Because you had killed it?

No, it was already dead. Why do you hold a microphone like you're singing a Pantera song? There's some Pantera for you right in the moment. Red band on the ones and sevens. And I don't know which friend of mine said it, but one of my friends in the backseat just chimed in like, let's set it on fire. And I have no idea why we did it, but it wasn't me. But we stopped.

Now, you're in big trouble, mister. I know, I know, I know. So. This is a very creepy episode of Who Are You? I know. I'm a guy that burns dogs. I want to work at Disney World, let's just say. No, so a friend threw a cigarette butt out onto the fire,

or out onto the dog, and then it set on fire, and then we felt really bad afterwards. We were really like, oh, this is something we didn't want to do. It put itself out? No, it just slowly smoldered out. Well, that's what happens when you don't put the fire out,

is that it slowly smolders out. That's called cremation. But here's the thing. So we felt bad, so we decided to call the cops and not turn ourselves in, but basically say, hey, someone set a dog on fire. Dude, this is like I know what you did last summer, but with a dog. Yeah.

I know what you did last summer. This shows how nice the cops are when you're white. Yeah, I didn't think I was going to talk about this. You could be a creepy weird guy and be like, I sent a dog on fire. And they're like, that's okay. People make mistakes when they're young. Did the fire department send the fire dog to put it out? Yeah.

So we waited for the cops to come. Timing is critical. Keep going. And so are the degree burns. Like, we were going to just drive away once the cops got there. Wait, how does this lead to you seeing the Jungle Book by yourself? Well, I once laid a monkey on fire. He was in a loincloth.

Can you say monkey anymore? Is that a weird thing? Just to even say the word? All right. Obviously it is. You can't even. No, that question is a weird question. Why?

Never mind. Well, it was a Jungle Book reference. Yeah. Daryl, keep going. So you lit a dog on fire. The dog goes out. You call the cops and you go, hey, I think somebody lit a dog on fire. And that's the thing. So as the cops are pulling up, we decide, hey, I think somebody lit a dog on fire. And that's the thing.

So as the cops are pulling up, we decide, like, okay, let's get out of here. And my stupid friend decides to just drive, like, 15 miles just right by the cops. That's what arsonists do. They go by the scene of the crime. He's done this before. We've got to locate your friend. He's a sick individual. Well, he certainly didn't light the stage on fire tonight.

Yeah, I know. I know. Wait, so you called the police and just waited there for like 15 minutes for the response time of the cops to come and then changed your mind at the last minute? No, once they got there we're like, oh wait, they're here.

We can leave. And then obviously since we left so slowly Yeah, the dead dog safety that's on fire. I then, obviously, since we left so slowly. Yeah, the dead dog safety. That's on fire. I'm telling you, this is not a fun story. Why are you smiling, then? Piece of shit.

Yeah, you dog-burning son of a bitch. So let's get into it, Daryl. So the cuffs obviously pull us over because they're like, yep, obviously it's them. And since. Obviously it's them. And since – Obviously it's the Satanists in the Toyota Camry from 1988, the last of Pantera. And we just lie our asses off basically for like two hours. Two hours. And they don't have enough evidence or they don't know like – it's like they know we did it. But since none of us are like fessing up to it, they can't charge us for it.

So they're basically like, we know you boys are don't – like, we know you boys did it, but, you know, get on out of here. Wow. They did that voice in Long Beach? Hey, get on out of here now. We don't make a mistake from time to time. They did it. This is one of those days.

He lives in the swamps of Long Beach. Yeah. Back in the bayou. Not like I never burned a dog when I was a kid. My voice gets more racist with every single word. And there was an old cop and a young cop.

The old cop definitely had a southern drawl. What color was the dog that you lit on fire? Was it? Was it? Before or after? The cops were the ones who killed it. The cops come up and shoot it. Shot it right in the back four times.

There was a gun on top of the dog. Right? Dog's in a hoodie. A bag of Skittles is right there. Brian actually has a sound effect for dogs getting shot somehow. All right, all right. Where's that monkey coming from? This show is off its hinges tonight.

That story was the opposite of a fun yo-yo trick. I think a police dog shot it. I have one question about this dog. Yeah, go ahead. Officer Pat Reagan.

How did you light the dog on fire? That was actually going to be one of my next questions. Well, my friend had... What fucking friends do you have? Believe me, I don't hang out with these guys still. Anymore. Stop acting like that's your choice.

Yeah. It's true. So, Daryl, One of your friends had what? We had a little bit of alcohol I forget what But they basically poured it on And then just lit it with a cigarette Red dog?

No it was something really gay It was like strawberry puckers Or something like that And as that dog was burning I realized my true dream It was something really gay. It was like strawberry puckers or something like that. Probably Schlitz. And as that dog was burning, I realized my true dream of bombing as a stand-up comedian. Someday I'm going to tell this story. It's going to be awesome. So, Daryl, one of your friends had alcohol.

And then another one of your friends had what? Matches or a lighter? No, it was just a lighter, yeah. And then who used the lighter? Another one of your friends had what matches or a lighter no it was just a lighter yeah and then who used the lighter another one of your friends yes so you're saying that you how many friends were there three all together it was a full car yeah you and two other guys right uh three other guys yeah you and three other guys and one had alcohol one had a lighter and they that means that they had to lean all the way in and basically pet snuffles for one last time. And I swear, this sounds like I'm making it up, but one of my friends,

I remember, he had a huge foam cowboy hat. Yeah, he was dressed as a Disney character. Everyone, all these guys were dressed as Disney characters. It was Woody and Buzz and Huey and Dewey. Louie was a good kid, never wanted to fuck with anyone.

What are you guys doing? That's not Disney. One of your friends has a big foam hat. They're just doing dumb goofy things. Keep going, buddy. Push through it. You got this. Your buddy has a foam hat then what happens

and then yeah we just sit on the we had to get all of our story straight you know why does the foam hat come into play in this story we were at a party earlier and this was towards the end of the evening so we were just you know pretty much that's how you cap a party in Long Beach you light a dog on fire

you're like this party is lit. No, actually, this is when I lived in Placentia. And it was funny because my license plate said Placentia, and we got pulled over right out of Anaheim. And the cops seriously... For lighting the dog on fire? Yeah. They followed you.

No, no, no, no. We got pulled over in Anaheim. But he looked at my ID and was like, what are you doing so far out of town, boy? I don't believe this story at all. Why do all these police officers sound like... I swear, it was like... It's so hard to explain, but this really happened.

We're aware. I know. If the last 15 minutes have proven anything... Believe me, in retrospect, I'm like, why did I bring this up? Yeah, you should never tell anyone this story ever. I know, I know. I mean, because it doesn't make you look good even if what you're saying is –

your side of the story still doesn't sound good. I know. You just asked me, did you get arrested once? Wait until it gets to the end, Red Band. It's a happy ending for this story. I think you should close with it. No, it's just a very random story, and I don't know why, but it is one of those, like...

It's a very sad tale. Almost as sad as the tale that you lit on fire. You guys ever randomly light a dog on fire? It was like... In honor of that dead dog, tonight he decided to have a rough set. Those are actual fireworks for you podcast listeners. We very rarely do that

in the belly room where we already hit fire capacity just with human beings. Why not blow off some fireworks? Fourth of July right around the corner. Oh, really? You have some more incriminating evidence for us? You don't want to hear about that beaver that I fucked?

You're going to walk right outside and there's going to be cops waiting for you. And they're going to be like, We took a possum and we put it in some acid while we were on acid. I remember one of my buddies was wearing a cape. Daryl, what do you want to say so bad before we literally throw you down the stairs? Spay and neuter your dogs. How about I'm sorry?

That firework story did bring up another story about me and I did get almost my hand blown off from a firework. It was. You know what the problem with that story is? We're all rooting for the firework. I know. And you know it's funny if the hand had blown off or

injured you may have had the sympathy the last guy did. I know. No you wouldn't have. I put together an actual thing and a whole Sympathy the last guy did. I know. No, you wouldn't have. No. You'd put together an actual thing and a whole delivery system. Daryl. Pretty amazing that not only his material was creepy as fuck, but that story was creepy as fuck.

Brian, when is the L.A. Podfest again? No. What's the date of it? No. What's the date of it? It's the 23rd. The 23rd of September. Daryl, are you free the 23rd of September?

Yes. He's free the 22nd, the 24th, the 23rd. Yep. I was just curious, Daryl. I know. I was just curious. So is there a – yeah, that's pretty much it, right? What did we do? We found out who are you.

I like to get in depth. Absolutely not. Hey, hey, real quick, Tony. Can he plug his cooking book real quick? Yeah. I think you've plugged enough tonight, Daryl. So, I mean, I wanted to find out who you are, and every once in a while that new segment obviously backfires.

Yeah, yeah. Most interesting thing about you is that you once lit a dog on fire and you continue to lie about it decades later. I just feel like he's going to leave and one person is going to be like, I lit a dog on fire too. It's okay. I hope that's not. It's okay. I hope nobody does that. Hey, you dog on fire, too. I hope that's not. It's okay.

I hope nobody does that. Hey, you're that fire dog guy. Let's be friends. Hey, I'm a cop. Yeah. I'm going to tell my girlfriend this story. Officer Dumbfuck stopping kids from burning dogs. I got pulled over.

Darryl Williams. There he goes pulled over. Daryl Williams. There he goes, everybody. Daryl Williams. He's out of here. All dogs go to heaven. That's the good news. All dogs go to heaven. That's something important to remember.

The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire. We don't need no water. Let the motherfucker burn. The woof is on fire. The woof. Lil Bow Wow with that reference. Daryl Williams is on Twitter at The D Stories. If you want to send him some hate tweets about lighting dogs on fire.

Wait, his literal Twitter handle is The D Stories? Like this stands for The Dog Stories? Yeah. It may be on Twitter if you want to read the rest of the book. Yeah. T-H-E-D-S-T-O-R-I-E-S. Yeah. How about we go back to the bucket later and get a regular up here?

How do you guys feel about that, huh? That sounds awesome to me. You know her. She's been the regular for months now. You know her. You love her. Put your hands together for the stylings. A brand new 60 seconds a week is the hardest job in comedy and here to do it again. It's Vanessa Johnston, everybody. Hi, guys. Yesterday I was outside of a grocery store and there was a D.A.R.E. booth by the entrance. You know, the don't do drugs, that booth. They were daring people to donate money.

And I was like, listen, the D.A.R.E. program I took in school taught me to just say no. The D.A.R.E. program I took in school taught me to just say no. So. That program is so stupid, right? Like, it's so dumb. First, they hand out brochures to students in classrooms. They're like, this is D.A.R.E. No one under the age of 45 has ever finished reading a brochure.

Like, ever. Second, they have a super friendly lion as their mascot i've never been in a situation around drugs i've been like no dude that one lion told me not to they need to have a better mascot like a crack baby i feel like you guys aren't on board with this dare stuff they're like we weren't on board in school. We're not on board now. There you go. A new minute. Not always easy.

I think people are a little bit numb right now to be able to listen to dare. Is that really still a thing? Yeah, I know, right? I was like, what? I mean, that was really big when I was a kid, but I haven't heard much of it. There might be some truth to your last statement that we didn't care about it back then.

We probably don't care about it now. That's sort of what I'm saying. It's tough when you're talking about something that's so external and affects so little people. That's why math jokes never really work. This is a weird target

because it's a program that tries to help keep kids from ruining their lives with drugs. Why put them in their place? I mean, and it's an epidemic. There's people that take these bath salts and all these drugs and they end up lighting dogs on fire

and shit like that. It gets really bad out there. And thinking they should get into comedy. Yeah, that's actually the worst decision that those types of people make. The new dares should just be showing footage of stoned open micers to kids.

And the student loans they'll never pay off. That actually is, while being hilarious, that actually is sort of an interesting idea. Because that is something very sad um and yeah you know along with that thing you know it's just sort of like

i think especially tonight it's been like an insane show with steve lee and the guy that what was jor-el again superman the mexican guy with the dart yeah, he was out of it. Nicole Buchanan murdered. You know, I just think dare is sort of a tough subject. And, you know, anything interesting happen in your actual life in this past week? I went to a voice and speech doctor today because I was reading on blogs on the internet. People said my voice was annoying. They're right. Yeah.

The worst part was when I was at the doctor today, they were like, so why are you here? And I was like, well, people say my voice is annoying. They're like, who? And I'm like, I don't know. I don't know who they are. And they're like, wow. They're like psychiatrists down the hallway. That's funny.

You should talk about that. Yeah. You should do that in your act. I dare you. Hey, you're really pretty. But I mean, that actually is a perfect example. I mean, before it got weird,

you know, that did just get an absolutely huge laugh. And it's you. It's something that actually happened to you. It's something that actually happened to you it's something that nobody can take that from you and that's definitely the start of something is being you know listening to trolls or being affected by the internet for the

first time and I think that that's part of it somebody said the other day Tony has vocal fry and I googled vocal fry I had no idea this was even a thing and if you look it up it it's fascinating. But recently people have been going like, hey, my name's Bri.

I actually don't have it that much on this show, but when I am listening to, like when I'm on Rogan, I do get it because I'm just sort of like chilling and he's doing most of the talking and then it's like, yeah. I go like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You hear that?

Yeah. It's a popping noise. You know, you guys all know what it's like sitting across from Rogan. Anyway. Yeah, people do say that about my voice. And they're the same, you know. And then there's the hundreds of thousands

that disagree with those people. And I would ignore those people. What did the doctors say to you after that? They told me I had vocal fry. They were like, so stupid about it. Wow. I was like,

they gave me the news and I was like, what? Wow. That is so funny. If you did shit like that and played into that, that would be absolutely hilarious. Have you always had that? Is that something that you have actually

seen yourself do recently? Yeah, I mean, I do, which is weird because I'm not going to be like, oh, hey, but I have a good singing voice. So it's weird that I have a shitty talking voice. We'd love to hear that. Yeah, maybe someday. What's your karaoke song?

Oh, my God. Like Evanescence. No, I'm not going to do that. So weird. But anyway. All right. I feel 25 seconds. I'm leaving.

What? What? What are you talking about? I mean, I'm getting off stage oh shit she's actually gonna do it peer pressure wait wait guys hold on a second

are you putting like background music? we're gonna one up you here not my immortal what song then? no. What song then? No, not this song. I don't like this song. What Evanescence song do you want? I like Bring Me to Life for that one.

You know it's a weird show when this isn't even the saddest part of it. When a room full of people forcing an uncomfortable woman to sing Evanescence isn't the weirdest part of a night. She's not even uncomfortable. That was fake uncomfort. Did you see how fast that mic came out of the mic stand?

Oh, no. I got to get out of here. Oh, anyway. Boom. Mic stands out on sunset right now. We got to move on.. We gotta move on. We gotta move on. I'm gonna...

Wait. What? Next time. No, go ahead. I said bring me to life. I can't sing this song. Vanessa Johnston, ladies and gentlemen.

But... Oh, this is the longest pre... That's not the song I want. It's just going to get us like. I told you my karaoke song. You're playing every song but that. Come on.

Vanessa, we're going to save you. You're not going to have to sing tonight. Tomorrow. You're on probation. Next time you have a tough set, you're going to have to sing. Okay. Sounds good. Vanessa Johnston, everybody.

There she goes. We got to keep it moving. Because. And the reason why we have to keep it moving is because ladies and gentlemen i have a special announcement we we have again returning as a regular that's right a new regular that's an old regular she was on the show for weeks and then we found out at that moment for the first time in the Comedy Store's history, that people under 21 were no longer allowed to perform here.

She just celebrated her 21st birthday on Sunday, and she is back. Allie Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. I, too, have an awful voice. It's pretty monotone. I have a monotone voice. People tell me all the time as if I've never heard my voice before. It sucks having this voice.

Like, I can't give compliments anymore because any time I give someone a genuine compliment, it just sounds like I'm mocking them. I'll be like, hey, cool hat. And they're like, fuck you, this is a cool hat. Like, what do you want me to do? Be like, that's a cool hair. That's just not me.

That's it. Thank you. That is exactly a minute. Holy shit. She is back. Ali Makovsky. The beast from the Middle East. Hey, Tony, did she literally just take all the notes that you just gave Vanessa? Yeah, she really did. She actually did.

I'm going to beat her in the bunch before next week. And I'm going to sing. Right now. The whole time you're like, the bunch before next week. And I'm going to sing. Right now. The whole time you're like, she better not fucking sing. This is my moment. I bet Vanessa in the back was just thinking, that bitch. Yeah, fuck. That's what I love.

That's what's amazing, too. You got to have two regulars that they push each other and inspire each other. The whole time I was listening to her set, I was like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck. That was awesome. You have like a super cool storyline because everybody knows you. Everybody knows that you're out working hard, hustling every night, doing multiple spots a night. Everybody knows that you love the game. Even though you were under 21, you would always hang out on the sidewalk and just basically hang out with comedians as they were

going in or leaving. I once brought a chair so I could sit on the sidewalk. That is someone who loves comedy. You've been doing it for two years and you just turned 21 this weekend, correct? Happy birthday. Thank you. Happy birthday to you.

Welcome back to the show. I'm so excited to see so many new minutes and talk about them with you. Mike Lawrence, is this your first time seeing Ally Makovsky? I saw her like a year ago. Yeah, it was good. Yep. We're back in it.

Okay, cool. Sweet. No, I thought it was good. That is huge praise from Mike Lawrence. Yeah, it was a year ago. It was pretty good. Oh, my God, I can't believe Michael Lawrence just said that to me. It's the year that Suicide Squad and Batman vs. Superman came out.

I don't have joy anymore. All right, it's been gone. So, big girl, anything for Allie? 21, that's a little old for me. Now, Allie, you told me earlier that for the bigger turn, your mom was here. Where is she at? Point her out to us. She's somewhere. She's just in the audience.

Do you have a hot mom, Allie? Where is she? Point her out. Where is she at? She's sitting over here. Mrs. Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen. Fuck yeah! Oh, yeah. I like that, ladies and gentlemen. Fuck yeah. Oh, yeah. I like that.

Look at her. She looks like she graduated from Babe University. Awesome. Fuck yeah. Mama Makovsky. I think we went to high school together. I want to get sexy. I want to get Makonsky.

You know what I'm saying? All right. Here we go. This is the part where me and Mrs. McConski make a super regular. It would be weird if we found out that every comic that was on Station 8's mom is in the audience.

My son didn't want to burn that dog. Mike Lawrence back in business. Taking us to school. All right, Allie, I'm so excited about your return. I truly think that you are one of my favorite young comedians, male or female. So I'm super excited to have you back every single week from now on. I love it. You're the regular All Ally Makovsky.

She's going to be at the LA Podfest. Vanessa's going to be at the LA Podfest. Are you going to be at the LA Podcast Festival? I'm going to be there. This is definitely a new name. I don't think this is the guy that I think

it is. This will be interesting to see what happens here. Put your hands together for Martin Harris. That's not real, is it? Might be. The operation's complete! That's Martin. Hey. So one time I walked into a bar,

and a guy came up to me, and he said... I've been getting so hot on the comedy scene that once I was in a Starbucks in Oklahoma and there was a guy standing in front of me. And I don't like to eavesdrop, but I heard him go... I said, hey, that's my material. And he looked at me and I said, but it doesn't go like that.

It's more like... looked at me and I said, but it doesn't go like that. It's more like... There you go. Wow. I... Inside baseball. Inside baseball. Inside baseball.

Inside baseball. I didn't get to finish the joke. That's my fucking bit. I didn't get to finish the joke. You... All right, all right, all right. You... Ryan chose to get his revenge

By punishing the podcast listeners That's great you spent the whole set Saying what we were thinking Hey look I spent a lot of time writing that joke I spent a lot of time I spent three years Of my best stuff

Martin how long have you been doing stand up Am I saying that right Martin Yes Martin Harris. That's my... That's my name. Is that really your name? It's my stage name. You have no idea what's happening. Obviously, we're being pranked. Is that true? I don't know.

You know the people out there in the field. I know. It's hard to believe how good I am. You think it's a prank. This is a... This is a kind of annoying, shitty shit that I'd rather see someone trying and actually be funny be on stage instead. You can go.

Thank you, Martin. Just go. It's a waste. Thank you. There you go. There she goes. Whatever that was. Hot diggity dog shit.

Super hilarious. Super hilarious. All right, all right, all right. Jesus Christ. It's getting a little bit longer every fucking song. I just want to imagine after she went off stage, someone was like, I book flappers and I can make you a star. Yeah, I don't know what that was or who you are,

but that was the worst thing ever, and your instincts were wrong. I thought it was great. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Chris Wilmoth. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Wazido Blazare. Bazaare Ho.

Wazido. Wazido Blazaro Ho. I'm assuming she's not white. All right. If you had graffiti for handwriting, that was you. Bazaare Blazaro. Who wrote that name down? What are you doing?

Steve Lee. What are you doing? Four minutes. Are you just going to freak out until... Okay. No, it's Steve Lee. Let's try Travis Frazee. My dog barks at black people.

I wish he didn't do it, but he does. It's not like I trained him. We're not watching Morgan Freeman movies, and I'm like, kill, kill. But I do what everybody does when their pet does something they wish wouldn't reflect on them as a human being. I say, he's never done that before. He's totally done that before. Well, I'm trying to think of something new to say. And you know how, like, some pets can sense seizures and sniff out tumors? I'll start saying that.

Because I'd rather have a stranger think they have cancer than think that I am racist. Fuck yeah, Travis Frazee. Am I saying that right, Frazee? Yeah. Travis, that's cool. How long have you been on stand-up?

Nine months. Travis, you look like you bark it back people. Whoa, bark it back people. Anything, guys? We're running out of time here. One word for Travis. Anything for Travis, Earl? Racist.

We're in a super hurry. We took too much time. That is why Josh was freaking out. I apologize, Josh. I didn't notice how over time we were. There goes Travis Frazee. 33 on Twitter. Travis Frazee, everybody. There he goes. Ryan J. Ebelt's your house artist. He just drew this

during this episode while you were sitting there being lazy assholes. He drew that. If you point it to the crowd, then they can react. Fuck yeah, there it is. Our timing is impeccable. Ryan J. Ebelt.com. For the Prince and for the

Kill Tony poster, Young Jamie, Jamie Vernon on the HD camera back there. There's new powerful t-shirts available at youngjamie.com. Jeremiah Watkins. I'm at Jeremiah's stand-up across social media. Hit me up, people. Patty Reagan. Hey, watch that Gran Torino video. David Arquette, Noel Skakel, Pat

Reagan, Adam Allgood. Watch Pat Reagan's show that he writes for the Eric Andre Show. Speaking of writing on shows, guess who's nominated for two Emmys this week? Mike Lawrence, ladies and gentlemen. Writer for the Amy Schumer Show. Writer for Triumph, the insult comic

dog. Joel Jimenez at Mostly Sorry. That's right. Earl Skakel. Anything else? At the Mike Lawrence, at Earl Skakel. Anything else? At the Mike Lawrence, at Earl Skakel. Anything else you guys want to promote? Inappropriate Earl. Fun podcast.

I've been on it. I'm going on tour. Find me at my tour dates, MikeLawrenceComedy.com. MikeLawrenceComedy.com. Contact Jake Markovits for all of your needs for both of us. See you guys later. Bye, live audience. Thank you.

Good night. Good night. Good night. see you guys later bye live audience thank you good night it's been a while since I've seen you smile but now you've come back again came into the room and saw my girl and you asked her

how long it's been we hear she said and you shook your head Said I'm surprised it's gone that long Baby, baby, baby, baby