KILL TONY - KILL TONY #175

Episode Date: October 3, 2016

Joe Rogan, Russell Peters, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Jeremiah Watkins, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Ali Macofsky, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 09/19/2016 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have everything we do, including video portions to a lot of the podcasts we do. Just click on Videos, or you can click on Tour Dates and see where we're at. We do Kill Tony, what you're listening to right now, every Monday at the world-famous comedy store in Hollywood, California. Every Tuesday, we do the Roast Battle, which is the verbal violence podcast here at Death Squad. And every first and third Friday we are at the Ice House

in Pasadena, California for the Death Squad Secret Show. Every first Wednesday of the month we are in the main room of the comedy store for a special secret show. And that's including this week. We're going to be there this Wednesday, October 5th. So if you're around, check out the Comedy Store. We're also coming to Ontario.

Me and George Perez are going to be in Ontario October 20th. And then me and Tony are bringing the old Kill Tony on the road. We are going to be at the Come and Take It Comedy Festival in Houston, California. So check out that. Those are, you can just go to comeandtakeitcomedy.com and that's November 18th, 19th, and 20th. So check it out.

Go to comeandtakeitcomedy.com for more information. I believe comeandtakeitcomedy.com for more information. I believe we are on the Saturday show. You can check out that website, though, for everything else. Don't forget to go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for all of Tony's merchandise and information. He's on the road like crazy nowadays. He's going to be at Boston this week, October 8th. It's Saturday.

And then he's going to Buffalo, New York. And then he's going to Buffalo, New York. And then he's going to Sydney, Australia. He's all over the motherfuckers. So check him out. TonyHinchcliffe.com Check out Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. He does the Kill Tony movie poster.

He draws every episode and sells prints. That's RyanJEbelt.com And last but not least, check out ShopSquad.TV for everything else, including the Death Squad merchandise, like T-shirts and hats and stuff. I know a lot of it's sold out right now, but there's a bunch of new stuff coming soon. So check out ShopSquad.TV. All right, guys, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band Company live from the Road Famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 4. Give it up for Tony Henscliff. It's me, everybody. Holy shit. Hi, guys. Welcome. You guys ready for a crazy Monday night or what? Come on live audience, you can do better than that. Let them know the hundreds and hundreds on you stream right now

that this is a real fucking live show with a real live audience. Anything can happen. I am super pumped. I had so much fun this week in San Francisco and Sacramento, and now I'm going to Australia and other fun places. Hi, Brian Redband. Brian Redband's here. Hey, guys. How's it going? Before I plug my dates, Brian Redband.

We got the LA Podfest this week. Yeah, this Friday at 11. Yep, and we are going to pick out a couple people from tonight to go join us. Oh shit, the cat's out of the bag on that one. We have to build a little cast for Friday night, because obviously we just can't have 50 comics lined up on the sidewalk there. So it's going to be a cast at Kill Tony.

We already have Nicole Buchanan. Dan Nolan. Steve Lee here tonight. Steve Lee from last week, the guy with the weird hands. Beautiful hands. Somebody wants to tweet at Steve Lee, tell him that he's invited to the podcast. I didn't get a chance to do that. Welcome, everybody.

That's right. Boston, October 8th. Buffalo after that. Sydney, Brisbane, and Melbourne, Australia to close out October 18th to the 30th. That's where I'm going to be. So if you're listening to this podcast, the number one live podcast in the world that is. All right. It's a real quiet Monday so far. What happened? Did Reagan and Watkins not get the job done out here? It feels a little cold out here, am I right? You know what? Alright.

Thank you. Ryan J. Ebeld is here, ladies and gentlemen, the house artist. Hey, check it out. A car hit him last week. So go buy some goddamn prints off of his website, all the Kill Tony prints at ryanjebeld.com. A car hit you? No, a car hit his car.

I was going to say an Asian ran into him. I was going to really nail it on the head because that's actually what happened. Really? Yeah. Stereo. So stupid. Stereotypical. All right.

Okay. And we got Jamie Vernon on the HD camera. You guys ready to... What do you say I bring back up the band? Everybody loves the band. I love them. You love them. We all love them. You already got a taste of them tonight. I'm going to bring them up right now. It's the great

Reagan and Watkins and Joel Jimenez. Welcome back to the Emmys. We're about to present the award for best band on a live podcast. Can I get some applause? Thank you. And the winner is... Reagan and Watkins! We'd like to thank Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redman for having us. Thanks so much. Thank you so much.

Wow. There they are, always with a different topical intro. Little Emmy, little homage to the Emmys there. And closest thing I guess they could get was a golden turkey. Spray painted gold turkey. He's a golden cock, Tony. Oh, that makes sense. Fuck yeah.

Put your hands together for the band, ladies and gentlemen. They're here. We're ready to rock. How you guys feeling? Good? Excited? Feeling great. Me too. Let's guys feeling? Good? Excited? Feeling great. Me too.

Let's just get into it, shall we? You guys ready for tonight's guests, huh? Anybody like guests? I like guests. I like it when a show has good guests. This show always has good guests. This week's no different. Put your hands together for two of the greats.

It's Joe Rogan and Russell Peters, everybody. What? Holy shit! Holy shit. Holy shit. Fuck yeah. Oh, snap. Snap. You can hear the belly room crying.

We're having so much fun down here. Rogan and Peters. Peters and Rogan. Hi, guys. Welcome back to the show. We're having so much fun down here. Rogan and Peters. Peters and Rogan. Hi, guys. Welcome back to the show. We're so happy to be here. Thank you, Antonio. I'm excited about this.

You guys see the band's cool intro? How do you guys feel about the band? Yeah, good stuff. Outstanding. Love it. You hear that, guys? We're endorsed by Joe Rogan now. Before we go any further, was that Pete's weed?

Yeah. Pete's a motherfucker. Yeah, he is. How about a round of applause for Pete, the drug dealer, ladies and gentlemen? He's the pot guy. Give it up for Pete, the criminal. Give it up for Pete, the Schedule 1 drug dealer. I feel like there's so much I don't know.

That we all talk about on the internet. Why don't I know about this? He grows the best pot in the world. It's effective. It's debatable. Well, whatever. Yeah, exactly. Works 100% of the time. That's why I hate when people start bringing up California weed. I'm like, listen, man, it's 2016. All weed

is retarded. All of it. Bad weed doesn't survive anymore. it's just different bad weed fucks you up too that's the weird thing if you're a different budget if you get yeah exactly that real though because I've always heard that like that idea of like shitty wine shitty beer like the hangovers different I've heard that's bullshit I've heard hangover is nothing but dehydration I get the reflux from the shitty stuff oh yeah, yeah. That's all very real because they make it with cheaper.

That's sugar and stuff, too. Yeah, like potatoes and shit or whatever. Can I just say I love your iPhone cover? Look at this. What do you got going on here? It's got a ring. Yeah, you like that, right? It's beautiful.

I like it. I'm going to get you a ring, Joey. I like it. Did you drop your phone a lot regularly and then you realized? No, just easier. Look, I could fucking watch fucking Google. Just say porn. Just say porn. Just say porn.

I can watch you on TV and... It's porn. Sports. A kickstand. I can't jerk off a porn that small. The news, of course. Want to be informed. Notes and stuff.

Oh, yeah. Contracts. Important. PDFs. Let's get into this crazy shit. You guys have both done this show a few times Comedians, you know how it works A bunch of comedians signed up with a chance to do

60 seconds on this stage Sometimes it's just a crazy person Sometimes it's a big, amazing, young, rising comedian From around the world that's here for the first time Sometimes it's some guy That's about to die We've seen it all Comedians, you know how it works.

When you reach your time limit of 60 seconds, you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then and start the interview process. Earl, you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There it is. Chasing a mouse. Very good. That's enough, Brian.

You guys ready to start the fucking show or what? Let's do this. Ready. Wow. I like this. Very simple name. Looks like a new name. Give a warm welcome to Pete Dunn. Pete Dunn. Pete Dunn.

Pete Dunn. Well? One and done. None and done. Pete Dunn. Oh, no, that's Josh. Put your hands together for Shalik Jenkins. Fuck, man.

Fuck. All unprepared as shit. Just moved in from New York City. It's nice. I like LA so far. Nice place to be. Your people are different. Saw this one white guy.

Had a kale smoothie. Walked on this black dude's shoes. Yeezy's. They're two grand. The black dude's shoes. Yeezys, they're two grand. The black dude flipped out, and the white guy goes, calm down, brother. They're just sneakers, which is like the trifecta of shit you should never say to any nigga. First off, it's calm down. Telling a nigga to calm down is like trying to tell a football cosplayer to stop raping girls.

Like, they're still going to do it. And someone's still going to get hurt in the end. Brother, I don't think any white person should say brother. Like, this ain't fucking a black exploitation film. It's like, calm the fuck down. And they're just sneakers. They're two grand sneakers. I feel like if you say calm down, brother, three times in the mirror in the dark at night

there's going to be a nigga named Daquan ready to fight you. That's what I feel like. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Wow. We did like 30 minutes of sound check today for what?

What was that about? How do you explain that? This one? You got some good feedback from that. Yeah. Woo! And so it begins, guys. Shalik, you are in it. Grab the mic, man.

We're going to talk to you for a bit. Awesome. How's it going? Going pretty good. How old are you? How old am I? 22. Why did you repeat the question, Shalik? That's what he would have to do if he was under 21.

How old am I? Because it's 21 and over. It's totally 22. One year over the drinking age. Shalik, are you going to school right now? Nah. No. Nah.

You work? Nah. You don't work? You don't go to school? Nah, nah. I'm, as you say, coasting, you know, just living off unemployment. How long have you been doing stand-up? How long have I been doing stand-up?

One year. One year. Yeah. How often are you been doing stand-up? How long have I been doing stand-up? One year. One year. Yeah. How often are you getting up? Three times a night, usually. A night? Yeah. Where the fuck have you been going?

This is L.A. There's no three times a night in the unemployment office. Well, I just moved from New York City. That's why. So I've been trying to do it here two times a night, you know? How long have you been in L.A.? A month now. Wow.

Yeah. You liking it? I like it a lot. Yeah, nice weather, nice people. What part of New York? Brooklyn. BK all day? Yeah, straight up.

Are you West Indian? No. Okay. You always got to go racial. I know, I do. I always want to know what people are. I mean, he's from Brooklyn. There's a solid chance he's Jamaican.

You know what I mean? I'm just saying. Is that where you got the cool shirt with the zipper on the side? Yeah, with the non-functional zipper. Check this shit out. I mean, that is amazing. How do you know what mast to have that at? Like, how do you decide?

That's a good Thanksgiving dinner shirt. It varies every day. It varies every day. That is a good thing. If I'm happy. Time to let the sides up. Looks like I did it again Tony

You know what he looks like to me He looks like Steve Urkel Mid transition to Stefan Like he's almost super cool But like It's like the nerd is hanging on Shalik tell us more about yourself When you're not doing stand up What are like some hobbies but it's like the nerd is hanging on. Shalik, tell us more about yourself.

When you're not doing stand-up, what are some hobbies or something that you're into? I do sketches and YouTube shit and shit like that. Writing, script writing. Do those Instagram videos and shit? Nah, fuck that. Who needs that bullshit in their life? Why do you say fuck that?

Because every kid my age is doing Vine and shit. Nobody's doing Vine anymore. True, true, right? Fucking Tarzan's not doing Vines. Oh, you didn't. No, you didn't, Russell. No. You just out Tony Hinchcliffe, Tony Hinchcliffe.

Son of a bitch. That means he said a great fucking joke. Listen, folks, I am a cheeseburger and I'm surrounded by two puns. Wait, you just did it. Wait, you spun it on me. Oh, a reversal. It's like pro wrestling.

Tony's the bottom. Wait a second, how did that happen? Makes perfect sense. Can I borrow your zipippo polo shirt for my fucking that I'm about to get? All right. Hey, man, you're funny. Thank you.

I could tell you're a little uncomfortable. You seemed uncomfortable saying nigga. Here's the thing. I'm glad you brought that up. I'm not going to say it. You're darker than me. But I'm not going to say it to a bunch of people I don't know. Yeah, yeah.

Don't do that, Brian. Do you feel like yourself when you're on stage? Or do you feel like you have a little thing up? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel real comfortable up here. I'm used to it. I feel good. Now you look more comfortable. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Your shoulders relax nice. This is how you got to get the whole time. You're a funny dude. You can tell. It's a weird thing to talk to people. They're staring at you and you have a microphone. It takes a long time to get used to the weirdness of it. Then you got us fuckheads right behind you.

You know what I would do if I was you? I wanted to make it tomorrow. I'd start telling everybody that I'm seven years old. Just go out and say all the stuff that you say. Just the way you say it. I'm going to start doing it. You're going to be like a fucking superstar in no time. Do you remember there was a girl that did that?

There was a girl that did that in New York. Was it recent? Little Esther? No, but this was legitimate, though. She was doing it and it was in New York in the 90s, and then she got on the Arsenio Hall show as the youngest comedian

in the country. She was 15, and she was this really tiny girl, so you would buy it. And then the phone lines lit up. They're like, bitch, I went to high school with her. She was 15, and she was this really tiny girl. So you would buy it. And then the phone lines lit up. They're like, bitch, I went to high school with her. She's fucking 30. They're like, she's 30, pretending to be 15. She was fucking crazy. She's like, my parents raised me in the

East Village. She just put on an act. It was like right at that moment where the internet kind of came in. So people couldn't just bullshit anymore. It was a very interesting realization. He looks like what little JJ would have grown up to be. What you should do is own it, though. If you're going to say you're 14,

no matter what anybody says, fuck you. You don't know me, bitch. Just never let it go. Even if they know you're lying, just keep going. Just do what Obama did with his birth certificate. You'll make a fake one later. It'll be perfect. Word, word. Awesome. Alright. Nice to meet you, dude.

Shalik Jenkins. Shalik Jenkins. Welcome back to Welcome back to Are You As Funny As A Seventh Grader? Hey, man. Isn't that interesting? We were just talking about that backstage. There's people where you could say, alright, he's got a spark.

Or she's got a spark. There's a something there. And then all it is is how much time you're going to put into it. How much you're going to get better at it. How much you're going to listen to your stuff and try to fix the problems. How honest can you be? It's interesting when you see a guy like that. That's a funny guy. Can he figure it out?

You know? It probably would have been better off in New York, though, because you get way more stage time over there. I don't think so, man. Go to Frank Castillo's Instagram. That dude gets up three times a night every night. He's doing comedy in bathrooms and people's porches and shit. They have shows everywhere.

I'm not even fucking kidding. They have bars, bowling alleys. They have outside ones. They just set up speakers, put fucking folding shitty white wedding chairs out there. No, people's yards in LA. Someone has one in their living room. There's a living room show in LA. I heard that one.

They get real comics to go to that fucking thing. I did a taco stand a couple years ago. What was her name? I don't know. I feel like I'm going to get hurt in between you two. I really do. All right, I got your back, Joe. It's just hurting.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. 60 seconds going to Tommy McGuann. All right, cool. I like to travel. That's the thing about me. Just got back from New York City recently. Anyone ever go to New York? Cool, all right.

I had never been. It was my first time going. And I was like walking around Times Square and like jaywalking and like flipping off cars and stuff. And like I felt like a local. Like I felt like I belong. But then I realized that no one from New York ever goes to Times Square. And I did something else that no one from New York ever does. And that's make eye contact with a homeless person. And it was terrifying. The guy was like, hey, my man. And I was like, please, no. Why did you do that? I was scared. Because I'm sure you guys can tell by looking at me, but I'm not a strong fighter. More likely to be seen in a sweater than in a fight.

Nobody's ever said the words like, hey, let's fuck this guy up. Quick, someone go get Tommy. It's usually like, hey, Tommy, we're going to fuck this guy up. Could you save our seats? Like, I did jujitsu for two years. And in two years, I got promoted to yellow belt.

All right, cool. There you go. And then what happened? What happened after you got the yellow belt? Huh? Then what happened after you got yellow belt? I did like a tournament. A yellow belt?

Yeah, a yellow belt, yeah. Was it a yellow belt tournament? It was a weight range tournament. I was 12, and there was only one other person in my weight range. And they were purple? It was a girl, but yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? About two years.

From New York? No, I'm actually from Los Angeles, born and raised, but I was living up in Northern California for the past five years, and I just moved back down. You like like you're in a seminary so you look like a priest like an irish priest who left the seminary and started doing stand-up yeah that was my that was my day job no no that wasn't enough tommy what do you got you back tommy you're like oh for six right now uh stick with me over here. What do you do for work? I'm in sales for medical equipment service.

So like MRIs and CT scanners. You sell those? Yeah. Well, and service and everything. The actual service or the machines? Both. So we sell the machines. How much is a machine going for?

An MRI? Russ was thinking about getting his shit checked out at home on a regular. I just got fucked up by a yellow belt. That's why. I want to take some of that European tour money. How much does an MRI machine cost? Well, so we do third party.

So we get like... What, these are fucking secondhand ones? Yeah. Dude, let's go in on one. Yeah. A good refurbished MRI machine. I've never gone in

on an MRI machine with a fellow comedian. It'd be fun to co-own. From isolation tanks to MRIs. Let's see what happens when we turn it on and throw metal in the room, because I think it goes towards the magnet. Come on, Tommy. Sell us something.

Tommy, haven't people died from that? Because they left metal in the room and they turned the MRI on? Yeah, it goes through you like a bullet. Some kid died because they left a fire extinguisher in the room and it pulled it off the fucking wall. I might have made that up. No, no, that's true.

You sold the shit out of it, too. I do that. I'll do that. On occasion, I'll do that. But I always come clean. How much is it for a secondhand used MRI machine? Installed and everything. If you had to sell us on it right now with your pitch, how would you sell us?

We were really about to buy an MRI machine. So we can get you one from 10 years ago that's really great quality from that time. It's only had about seven corpses in it. All five extinguishers. No, but that's $500,000. We can get a brand new one from China for $300,000. But a brand new one.

Yeah, but it's a newer model to the country. So it's just recently came to the U.S. Oh, I like your sneaky tactic. You come with the more expensive old piece of shit. And I say, listen, bro, I got a $300,000 one that's even better. And you can get it right now. And you're like, well, that's simple. See, you set this price.

And then we had it in our head. The five. Then he went down to the three for the better model. He got excited. He sets you up for disappointment. I just feel like buying one now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a master salesman.

Classic MRI. He sets you up with the $500,000. You go, God, that's a lot of money. I mean, I don't even know if we could do it. I mean, the clinic's kind of hurting right now. And then he tells you he's 10 years old. And you start thinking, well, what the fuck? Why am I paying $500,000 to some piece of shit that's 10 years old?

And then he says, but they make them in China, and they're 300. And you're like, I don't give a fuck about American jobs. Let's do this, dude. Joe, did you write the big short? They're fucking greedy. Is there a name brand to the MRI machines? Yeah. That's what you were

thinking, right? There's a Toshiba and then there's fucking Dave's House of MRIs. There are Toshibas, yeah. Hitachi's like top of the line. Is that true? Japanese. Japanese are killing the game. They kill the game in everything.

When they get a hold of something, they fix it. You know, like what they did to automobiles. I mean, automobiles were pieces of shit. Then the Japanese figured out a way to just not make them break. And everybody's like, fuck, we got to do that too? Like, people don't remember. In the 80s, cars just broke all the time. You drive down the street,

99.99% of the time, your car doesn't break anymore. Thank Japanese people. Get a fucking American car. Get an American car from the 60s and try to get to work every day. Good luck, bitch. So Tommy, you're basically going

from doctor's office to doctor's office trying to sell MRI machines? Yeah, yeah. Do you ever walk in on anything crazy on the job, or is it pretty much as boring as it sounds? You ever accidentally walk into an exam room or something crazy, anything at all, with the doctor? Ever see a titty by accident? No, I wish. What do you get?

Like a sex thing? Like I said, Russell watches porn on his phone. What do you get? Like a nurse thing? Like a nurse, Russell watches porn on his phone. What are you getting? Like a nurse thing? Like a nurse and a doctor. They slip away. They do morphine together in the closet. This guy's at doctor's offices all the time, probably being forgotten about in some room.

Like, oh, the guy trying to sell you MRI machines is in exam room six. If you had to guess, how many doctors do morphine and Cialis at the same time? Oh, man. We do third parties, so probably all of them. Everybody knows that first party is the best party. You go to the first party of the night, that's always fun.

Then you go to the after party. The thing about doctors is they like to do drugs because they know they work. Somebody has to try them. And they can get them. They're friends. If we were doctors You'd tell them You wouldn't write me A prescription

For some medical coke I'd write Whatever you wanted Whatever anybody needed We'd both be fucked up All the time If we were doctors I have a doctor

Who'll write me Russell I've diagnosed you And you need heroin Just be friends With your doctor And he'll write Whatever you want Is that the move

My doctor's my buddy And he'll write Whatever I need What do you need Nothing Like what are you Talking about What are we talking about here What are we talking about?

How deep do you go in the pharmaceutical drawer? Not heavy duty, just this for my reflux. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The old reflux. Real fucking gangster shit. Real street cred for that. He needs Adderall for his reflux. Some protonics. The cool way to call it would be

acid flashbacks Yeah, acid reflux flashbacks Brian, you've done Adderall, right? Once Just once? Yeah, I don't like it Doesn't it just make you focus? No, it also makes you have like coke effects

Like you feel like you're having like drips and shit I tried to do it while going on stage also And it just threw my timing off as well Don't blame that Right going on stage also and it just threw my timing off as well. Don't blame that. Right. Oh. Ruthless. But it seems like it's super popular right now.

Yeah, but I think the other stuff that the nurses take is way better. What's the nurse stuff? Dr. Dick. Oh, ProVigil. Dr. Dick. Oh, I've heard of that. That's what Hillary Clinton's on. Yeah, ProVigil is like the same thing as Adderall, but without the coke effects.

It's illegal in the Olympics. Really? Yeah. I've taken it all the time. I've taken it five times in the last two months. Wow. Yeah, I have a little prescription. When you're sleepy?

Yeah, if you have to drive somewhere. What's interesting about it is it doesn't give you – it's not speed. Like you don't – your heart doesn't race, but it keeps you from getting tired. It's very interesting. They give it to fighter pilots. They give it to people with narcolepsy. They originally invented it as a performance-enhancing drug, but you can't sell anything as a performance-enhancing drug,

so they had to have some sort of a disease that it was treating. So they said, narcolepsy? I know. You don't fall asleep as well. I know the stories of a couple people that started taking that and their careers

like skyrocketed. It gives you a lot of energy but I don't like to do it all the time. It gets me nervous because I like it. Yeah. You know?

I do it all the time. I'm like, I'm getting so much shit done. I'm in focus. It's called provigil. But I also feel like... What are getting so much shit done. I'm in focus. It's called ProVigil. But I also feel like... What are the side effects, though? There's no side effects.

There really aren't any. Other than your dick grows. I looked it up. Just what happens with all of them. I took something. They gave me something for fucking... For weight loss? No, for weight loss.

And then it's supposed to make you focus. And your brain work really well. But then my fucking prostate got enlarged. Hey! Like I said, it makes your dick grow! No, it didn't. Just the wrong part. I had to piss, and then nothing happened.

But Tim Ferriss had a point about it. He actually decided not to put it in his book, The 4-Hour Body, because he was worried that with none of the negative side effects that he could cite, that it would be almost irresponsible, people would just start taking it like crazy. It's apparently like all the tech guys, like Silicon guys,

they just live off that shit. They're doing it all the time. Yeah. And here we are with Pete's weed. It's the opposite. It's the opposite of provisional. No, I don't think it is. I think they all work synergistically. Tommy, tell us something else. What's the most interesting thing about you?

You're like a master skydiver or something like that. What are you into? I went skydiving once. That was fun. It was pretty cool. I used to rock climb a lot, like outdoors. That's where the rocks are. No! No, you didn't! But I used to rock climb a lot like outdoors and that's where the rocks are yeah

No, no, no he climbed the actual rock Heels rock climbing we're aware would you do that? Jebra almost fall. Oh, yeah a lot. Yeah a lot and you like fuck Let's keep trying because sometimes you do it without the ropes It's called bouldering and so you go up like 25 feet, and there's just a little pad. It's called a crash pad. And the people you're with are supposed to make sure you land on it. And so that was always pretty terrifying. Whoa.

How many times did you fall off of that and land on the pad? I don't know. A handful of times. You can't remember. Yeah. Hit my head. Yeah, that's not good. Yeah.

Tommy. Do you still rock climb? Not as much, no, because I fell too much. It started hurting a lot. What's the tallest peak you ever climbed? Well, with ropes, I did 100 feet outdoors. That was, it wasn't a super challenging climb or anything, but it was up in Mammoth. You ever do anything dangerous or scary?

Like you ever commit a crime, get arrested? No, I haven't. No. I peed in a trash can once, but that was about it. All right, dude. Nice talking to you. I peed in a trash can once. I give up, motherfucker.

We tried to make you interesting. Tried to make you a con man, a daredevil. You're a trash can peer, sir. I peed in a trash can once. Most exciting highlight of your life. I think selling us the cheaper MRI machine is the more daring thing. Yeah, that was a good move. The MRI thing was clutch.

I like how you did that. Well, Tommy, it was nice to meet you. We're going to keep moving on. Tommy McGuann, everybody. He's on Twitter, Tommy McGuann. How about that? Shalik Talks TV with Shalik Jenkins on Twitter.

Fun. Tommy McGuann's first time on the show. Alright, I pulled another name out. Joey Cruz. Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby Soho Wow

Are people just scared because Rogan's up here? I didn't do anything, I'm the nice one You're probably intimidating though I'm the nice one This Russell Peters is mean How about Josh Gibson? He's still snapping me How about Josh Gibson? Good evening, everybody.

I do not own a gun. I would never own a firearm, you guys. I am not allowed to. Any other felons in the room tonight? Felons? Raise yourons in the room tonight? Felons? Raise your hands in the fun way. I was filling out tourist papers to go to Australia. Turns out if you have a felony, they don't just let you walk into Australia.

Fucking hypocrites. These glasses are pretty new. The optometrist says that I am nearsighted, which means I have trouble seeing things that are far away. You know, like everyone does. Who are these assholes that can look infinitely into the distance? Beard's pretty new. I like having the beard and the glasses before i had the facial accessories i kind of looked like um like i looked like the guy who would thank the prostitute you know what

i mean fuck yeah josh gibson see that's what i'm talking about this this is not a guy who's just peed in a trash can. You understand? This is a guy that's peed in a trash can while there's been a burning body inside of it. How long have you been doing this? Just a couple years. Funny, dude.

Thank you. Really good jokes. Appreciate it. What's your felony for? I stole a bunch of money from somebody I didn't know. They left the car open, window down, trunk unlocked, everything. Trunk unlocked? Dude, what a moron. It was slightly popped and everything.

I'm telling you. How much money? We didn't know until the police arrived. So you waited around? They were waiting for us. We'd been doing this for about four hours that night. And just going into cars that like, hey, lock all your

cars, guys. Lock all your cars. How old were you? I was 19. Young and dumb. I'm 33 now. You're right about Jesus' age to die. That's right. I made it. I believe he was also stealing money out of cars when he was 19. I was giving it to people

far less deserving. How long did you go away for? I actually didn't go to jail. I'm white. Wow. Nice. He's got a solid point. See, when you say things like that, it makes all the other taunts about white privilege feel good.

It's totally true. It really is true. If I did not look like this, I'm certain I would still be in jail. Well, where was this at? Fairfax, Virginia, the second richest county in the country. A few of your guests are from over there. Have you ever had your cars stolen out of when you were there? These people are proud to be from this shithole.

Any girls missing sunglasses? That's right. Yeah, good times. Wow, Josh, that's interesting. So the car that you went to was a Sting, and they got you, hook, line, and sinker. We had decided that the suburbs, there was not enough cars, and that we would go to a townhouse neighborhood. Closer together. Yeah, closer together.

Trick-or-treating for you. In effect, yeah. I mean, we got a bunch of power tools. Well, closer together. Trick-or-treating for you. In effect, yeah. I mean, we got a bunch of power tools. Well, the police got a bunch of power tools. Anyway, so after a while, this guy had seen us. It was sometime in the early a.m. and he had seen us and he called the cops and they were waiting for us. We got back to the car. We had the bag that we had just taken from the car.

We didn't know what was in it. We thought it was a laptop. The police opened it up. It was separate baggies full of different amounts of cash. Yeah, yeah. Nobody believes that that money was legitimate, but it was not my money. Were they like quarters from different eras? Yeah.

1965 pennies. Here's a collector. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Full of nickel. So you got no time. How long have you been out of Virginia? I left Virginia in 2006.

What do you do for work now? I do title insurance. I research who's allowed to encumber property. Isn't that ironic? Yeah. Did you feel bad when you got caught, or did you feel stupid? I felt really stupid. I did not like – I mean, I liked that I didn't go to jail but I didn't feel satisfied

I felt so bad I joined the military because I felt so bad I know that I still owe Really? I'm back at zero after that and then after the military

I was like what's the most boring indoor air conditioned job that I can do and it's title insurance. Are you trying to punish yourself? Not anymore. I feel like I'm even now. I'm good.

But did you take the job so that you could punish yourself, or did you actually want that job? The title insurance job? I got that so I could keep doing comedy. I discovered comedy. After the military, you get the GI Bill. And I discovered comedy while I was doing the GI Bill. GI Bill.

Is that GI Joe's brother? Correct. Correct. Now that's a fucking good one. You've got to admit, Joe. Come on. That's on the spot. You think I had a locked and loaded GI Bill, Joe?

I just can't. You son of a bitch. It's actually what my doctor sent me after I went for gastro. GI Bill jokes? I can't. Son of a bitch. It's actually what my doctor sent me after I went for gastro. GI Bill. Both of you motherfuckers. Oh my god. We're just a couple of wild and crazy GIs.

You know what I mean? Hey man, you're really funny. Keep it up. Thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you very much. There he goes. Josh Gibson. Let's keep it moving. At Josh Gibson Jokes. Let's keep it moving. At Josh Gibson Jokes. Let's keep it moving before we talk to him too much and we're accessories to some crime or something like that,

some body in Virginia. This looks like another new name. How about Andrew Clement? Oh, shit. That's good intro music. Here he comes. This way, shit. It's good intro music. Here he comes. This way, Andrew. Okay, well, there you go. Jesus. Here he comes. Super entrance. If you're listening to the podcast, a zip line just came down from the ceiling. How are we doing tonight, y'all? Good? Okay, while we're on the subject of crime,

I'm a comedian. I've done this joke a couple times. It's the first time I've been able to speak openly with a crowd about it. So, is patriotic yes or no? If you go to a restaurant, I'm not saying which kind, Vietnamese, Latino, et cetera, et cetera, and you know for a fact that they are hiring illegal immigrants, but you as an American citizen pay tax dollars for immigrants to not be in this country. So if you, let's just say, once a week, have a lunch there, and casually slip out the back door,

is that not calling it even? Is that not patriotic? Are you not taking? No? I think different. And I don't, I have empathy for my crowd, but I don't... I don't... I don't... You are one of the few people that's ever been heckled in a 60-second set. That is just ruthless. That bitch didn't give you any air. She's like, nope.

On a side note, how much shit do you have in your pockets? What is in there? I know it's not a joke book. Oh! Oh! Oh, Jesus, Tony. What did he say? Andrew, how's it going, man?

How many times have you done stand-up comedy before? A lot. Really? Oh, gee-dokey. Really? Where at? I've done this stage quite a bit. Main room. Ha-ha.

This is the main room. In New Orleans. I'm from Louisiana, so I've done a couple. This is the main room. In New Orleans, where I'm from. I'm from Louisiana, so I've done a couple spots over there. I've been doing it for like four or five years. I thought your pants were so tight that they made your voice retarded. Do you always talk like that, Andrew? It is a little bit slow. Are you always this slow?

You feeling okay? Is this you? I'm just making sure we're getting the right you here. Yeah, this is me. I'm not used to taking on this many angles at the same time. You said you bragged 35 seconds ago that you've done this stage before. Yeah, but he means all those people behind him. Well, that's a fact.

I'm not bragging. Just ignore those two guys behind you. All right. There's so many people up guys behind you. All right. There's so many people up here behind him. It's very, that's totally unnatural. Yeah, for a comic to have this, especially this many people behind you. Yeah, it's just weird. You guys are taking Andrew Clemens' side on this?

Really? All right. No, obviously it can be done. We've seen people do it. People in the round. But it's kind of a setup. It's a setup. It kind of fucks with you, right?

I want to meet you. I want to know more about you because I have no fucking idea what you were talking about in the 60 seconds at all. Andrew, I want to ask you. I never got any clear idea of what you were saying, but it seemed right that you were being heckled. Normally I stop people when that happens. It's a controversial subject for sure. Let's figure out who you are. In today's segment, who are you?

We really want to know. Here we go. Andrew, you're from Louisiana. Yes. What do you do for work? Can we guess? Jack of all trades, master of nothing. So you're like an illegal immigrant.

I'm an Uber driver, yeah. Oh, did you just hear that? You're an Uber driver? People are missing shit. There's too much noise going on here. That was good. Thanks, Joe. How long have you been driving Uber?

Do you drive as slow as you talk? Oh, Jesus Christ, Tony Henschliff. Depends on the passenger. Are you the smart one in your neighborhood? Are you the smart one that, man, I got to get the fuck away from y'all retards? Y'all retards is holding me back Plus Mexicans Mexicans take the jobs I want to take

I don't say it but I'd like to think so I want to work in the kitchen too, shit It's a good kitchen You ever look in there? It's clean Andrew, I'm going to ask you a question I want to see how fast you can answer it Ready?

First word that pops in your head You ready? What's your least favorite race? White What was that? White See that's how those social justice warriors get you You're supposed to say I love all races equally

But they get you paranoid And then you're on the heel And then you start saying crazy shit You don't even mean I don't even like white people. Like, if you're walking home, it's 4 o'clock in the morning. Is that giant white guy coming your way or a giant black guy coming your way? You can pick.

It doesn't matter to me. Which one? Okay. Okay, there's 10 of them. He's not getting shit out of my pockets, obviously. As long as it's not a gator. Well, that took a while, but if they can get into it. Maybe that yeast infection.

That's just going to catch up with you. Your prostate enlarges in those pants. You're fucked, sir. Yeah, you should wear some kind of bacteriostatic underwear, like maybe wool or something like that. How long have you been out of Louisiana? I've been in wool. It's very fine. Eight years?

You have a crazy super white family with a farm and all that? Is it how I picture a little barn on a hill with some extra sheds and shit in the back? A lot of screaming? What part of Louisiana are you from? Baton Rouge. Baton Rouge. They have a good history with the black community lately. They do?

Am I the only one who watches the fucking news? Apparently. What's going on in New York? In New York. Oh, right, yes. Bums. Andrew, what were you trying to say in your 60 seconds?

You go to a restaurant, there's people working in the back or something. What were you saying? What's the gist of it? So, I got the joke idea came from when I was in college. I went to the University

of Mississippi, and there was these two Mexican women. They are proud to have you there. That just shot their fucking future attendance through the floor. At that fine university. People got to get a hold of this podcast. He got in.

I didn't get in. He got in. So there was Taco Tuesdays, right? So there was Taco Tuesdays, right? And I brought a bunch of people to the taco place and the taco place was yeah anyway nobody brought their wallets nobody wanted to pay so i suggested we just leave and uh all the girls like oh my god that's so hot Let's do it, da da da So yeah, I did it Wait a second, what? I just want to tell you, there's some good things that grow in the south

Dirty, crazy southern broads I love it, keep talking to me What were they wearing? Cowboy boots with no shoes Please say yes So, we dined in Dash I went and got my car. They ran out the back.

I picked them up. We, you know, scurried off, got drunk, fucked, et cetera, et cetera. But it was like they were turned on. It was like stealing from the people. You know, the chicks loved it. But anyway, I felt bad about it. Wait, the chicks loved what? I feel like you can just add that into any story.

What are these chicks even doing in this story? It seems like she liked it because you guys were robbing from particular kinds of people. Is that what you're saying? It was daring. It was a good old-fashioned racist crime. No, it wasn't like we put... It went to the nearest Mexican restaurant and ordered all the food and didn't pay for it. You're like dipping your toe in the racist pool here.

Well, it's a good thing I'm here, guys. And that's why we have our racist super referee, Russell Peters. I'm more concerned that there's Mexicans in Mississippi. Very true. How the fuck did they get over there? Hustle. Those ones aren't illegal. Mexicans hustle. The legal ones aren't trying to get into the center of America. Those ones aren't illegal. Mexicans hustle.

Legal ones aren't trying to get into the center of America. It's like, I stay close to here. They were suspicious, so I didn't pay them. They were suspicious, so you didn't pay them. Did you eat the food? Did you ever just go to the gas station and not pay either because they look like me, you son of a bitch?

Yeah, where do you draw the line on this? Do you feel bad about it? That's why I'm on stage talking about it because I did feel bad about it. And I was like, man, that was wrong. I mean, it probably came out of somebody's paycheck. I wanted to justify it. Hey man, I don't like white people

either. I was in the moment. Hey, you're the reason you don't like white people. Oh my God, you're right. It's one of those Tony Robbins things, man. You get to get to love yourself. Tony? Yes, Jeremiah? Did Theo Vaughn get Down Syndrome?

Not cool! That's my boy Jeremiah. Oh, shit. What happened? Do you have any family members who lynched people? Do you know? Brian, stop that. Any song or sound but that.

Find a new one. Any lynchers in the family? All right. Now there's no control. Answer the question. I do want to know the answer. God, I love this show. I just like that there's these southern girls who found it attractive to leave the restaurant.

Like, if you dine and ditch this Taco Tuesday, I'll suck your dick in the parking lot. Because that is hot right there. But she'll leave before he comes, you know, because... Because it's their MO. Because it's their MO So Andrew You've been out of there For how long again? Out of where?

Louisiana You've been here how long? How long have you been in LA? In his mind He's back in that fucking restaurant I've been in LA 8 years The good old days Of robbing Mexicans

Hey He's an Uber driver We may have Taxi Driver 2 A sequel to Taxi Driver. What's your least favorite type of people to pick up in your Uber? I was going to say that. Andrew. What's that?

What's your least favorite type of customer in your Uber? What kind of car do you have, first of all, before you answer that? Wait, what? What kind of car are you driving for the Uber? Mercedes. Fuck yeah. You know why? are you driving for the Uber? Mercedes. Fuck yeah. You know why? Which one?

Because the chicks love it. It's a street Jeep. Chicks love it. It's the GLK 350. So you're not Uber X. You're like Uber Request or some shit. Uber Request. Wow.

He's the more expensive Uber. I feel like they get in the car. You know what I'm saying, man? Yeah, Travis Hickle. The whole video bomb with Down syndrome was a What was that? It was a low blow, right?

It was a low blow. Andrew, you do seem like you've been concussed at some point in your life, though. You do know that. You have to be aware that you have some kind of delivery. People are like, oh, you're smooth or something like that, but it's really like you're on a one and a half second delay a little bit. You know it, right?

It's part of your swagger. It's like a telecast from Afghanistan. That's right Let's just say He's a war correspondent Oh my god Oh my god Let's just say I try to use it to my advantage With the ladies

Are you sober? Yes, I am. Oh! Joe Rogan with the ten star question. Interesting. Yeah. That last night that you partied, what happened? I'd imagine there had to be some

dead bodies or something. It was a big car collision and I just walked home and went to sleep, shook it off. You don't remember the part where you, you don't remember when you fell and hit your head that night? Well, I also fisted a gator that night. I mean...

I don't listen to myself talk, so I can't really neither are we Andrew tell us one more like fun fact or something interesting about you that you think makes you interesting well y'all all love this one I guess to add on to your

this one time I went into a restaurant I'll tell you what one time my pillowcase went missing oh boy grandpa had the scissors I'll tell you what One time my pillowcase went missing Oh boy Grandpa had the scissors in his hand I have a movie on Netflix Called The Co-Ed and the Zombie Stoner I'm the zombie stoner

To spoil it I don't believe it Netflix it, it's got one star I'm very proud of it In hustler ratings That's not a wreck at all. What's your Uber star? What's your Uber star?

Who remembers hustler ratings? 487, something like that. 47? Where do you think you went wrong? If there's one thing in your Uber that you might think you're a little bit weird about, like you always go your own direction or something like that? Do you use Waze when you're driving them?

Sometimes. Gas? Did you walk away from a collision while driving Uber? No. Isn't that funny? It's a goober driving Uber. It's a goober. Oh, you son of a bitch.

That was it? That was not bad. I've been knocked out by airbags, human fist, football helmets, all kind of shit. Wait, you just told us all the things you've been knocked out by? You should fight the last guy who has a yellow belt. Have you been to see a neurologist? Don't. Don't go.

Don't. Just keep on keeping on, dude. I'm an MRI machine. Yeah. Listen, keep on keeping on. Don't even look at it. Just keep walking. His MRI comes back and it just says, uh-oh.

Andrew, anything else? Next most interesting thing about you, any answer there? I don't get brain freeze. answer there? Don't get brain freeze. And on that note, ladies and gentlemen. All amazing clothes. Andrew Clements, everybody.

There he goes. Excellent dismount, sir. Excellent dismount. Congrats on your temporal lobe. Get brain freeze. He pulled out of that. Wow. He can't get brain freeze. That was a very good dismount.

Easily one of my all-time favorite answers to the question, next most interesting thing about you. He's got awareness, right? It's almost like he knows he's got water in his ears. You're like, I know something's off, man. And chicks think it's cool. You can't get brain freeze.

Unbelievable. He knows. He's like he's trapped. It's like they say about people that are in a stroke. They're like in a catatonic state. They're looking at you like, motherfucker, I'm right here. I just can't do anything about it. I mean, everything about him said that his brain was slightly detached from the stem. And then he closes with, oh, yeah, I can't get brain freeze.

He's the only guy in the room that could beat us all in a milkshake drinking contest. How does that make you feel? I don't like losing. I like winning every little contest that I take part in. And that would upset me. His fun party trick is getting a slurpee machine and just resting his hand on it. Watch his belly rise.

Kiss his blue. Like Homer Simpson in front of a keg. That's what I pictured too. I think it's a chemical thing for sure. They should go to wherever he was raised and dig up that dirt. They fucked those people down there. Down in the south.

They just dump shit and study people. He's a grown up Zika baby. Go to Infowars.com, ladies and gentlemen. Infowars.com. I can barely get through talking that Pete's weed. I pulled another name out of the bucket, so he gets 60 seconds. Bradless Philostite. Woo!

Slavery has never been cool. Except for right now, because there's some dope ass slavery movies coming out. You can be uncomfortable, so I'm going to finish this joke. Slavery movies are just becoming just as good as Holocaust movies. But I'm still going to try the same, like, sad slavery. Like, I want to see a new type of slavery movie.

Like, I want to see, like, a slave rom-com. Can you imagine a trailer for a slave rom-com? Like, have you ever fell in love at the wrong time? Historically, you ever done that shit? Historically! What would you title Slade rom-com? What would you title it? Like, Sleepless in Mississippi.

10 Things I Hate About Cotton. When Harriet Met Tubman. I don't even know what you're talking about. Bradless Philoctite. That was great. How do you say your name? Bradless Philoctite. Bradless Philoctite?

Philoctite. Philoctite. Gotcha. Is that Haitian? How long have you been doing comedy, man? How long have you been doing it? Three years. That was really good joke writing, man.

The way you set it up, the way you entered into it, knowing you have a 60-second set. Funny shit, and it's so true. Almost dying in the beginning. It's funny, dude. You're funny. Thank you, thank you. Where are you from? Miami.

How long have you been in L.A.? Almost a year. What do you do for work? I work at a hotel. Where are you from? Miami. How long have you been in L.A.? Almost a year. What do you do for work? I work at a hotel. What hotel? Casa Del Mar. I shouldn't say the fucking name of the hotel. God damn it.

What kind of hotel is it? He tricked you. Holiday Inn. I've never heard of that. That one dude that you work with is going to rat you out. So we can fix it if you want to talk about it. What kind of hotel? Is it sort of a shitty hotel?

No, it's like a fancy hotel. Like Oprah goes there. Oh, cool. I shouldn't fucking say Oprah. Damn it. God damn it. Red band. Now you're fucked.

I think I realized something. I can pretty much just ask you anything. I'm an open book right now. Just saying. What's the room number and the safe combination to the hotel? 7-2-4-3. Bradless is about to be jobless. I'm just saying. What's the room number and the safe combination to the hotel? 724. Bradless is about to be jobless. My food is hot.

I'm good. Do you ever get to see anybody cool other than Oprah there? Not somebody cool, but the other day I saw Tupac's brother. One Pac. You son of a bitch. That's me and Tony on the road for days and a ton. Motherfucker. And I kept on calling him.

He kept on giving me his real name, but I just kept on calling him Tupac's brother. Like, you're Tupac's brother. And he just would never tip. To his face? Yeah, to his face. Wow. I should be fired from that job. Jeez.

Well, you could do it. Just quit. Fuck it. If you care about your job and you're a comedian, you fucked up. You're supposed to have a disposable job. Otherwise, you'll keep it. You don't want to keep your job. You don't want a safety net.

You can't. What does Tupac's brother do? I think it's just Tupac's brother. He goes to carnivals and shit. What's up, guys? It's Tupac's brother. Two tickets? Two tickets.

Fuck, I don't know if I want to take a picture. Two tickets. He still makes less than the hologram. Oh, shit. That hologram is doing Coachella. That's got to be fucked up for Tupac's brother at that carnival. Can't get a free ticket. Just hang it up.

What else do you remember about hanging with Tupac's brother? Anything else stand out to you? He had like gold chains from the 90s and shit. That's when Tupac died. Money ran out. These are leftover fucking chains.

Maybe they're his brother's chains out of respect. Ever think of that, man? What shift do you work His fucking brother died Two chains was there Two chains has too many chains Two chains is great

You can't have four chains and call yourself two chains That's just fucked up That's bad math Two chains is a good tipper but Tupac's brother just wasn't buying it They both had two You're swinging at anything Yeah, two pucks. They both had two. You're swinging at anything. What are you working at the hotel?

Dorman, Bellman. You work late nights sometimes? Yeah, sometimes. It sucks. Dude, let's just tank this job for you right now. Tell those people to go fuck themselves. You're too funny to be doing this shit, man. You need to get an Uber driver with that last guy Start driving people around I think we know what kind of people he doesn't like in his car

You can pick up the slack I just got health insurance Oh see that's how they get you man They get with that fucking 401k bullshit Next thing you know you're doing that forever Next thing you know you're the funniest bellman in LA You absolutely Could be a professional stand-up comedian, 100%. I think the audience probably agrees, right?

Yeah. You just got to do it, man. Yeah, just do it, for sure. It's not easy. Your spot is, like, the hardest spot when you've got talent, and then you have to figure out how to ditch the job. It's the hardest spot because nobody wants to do it. Nobody wants to just cast away the net and take a chance.

So you got to have some disposable job. A lot of people like, what'd you do? What'd you do when you were struggling? I just worked at shoe stores and sold fucking socks door to door. I did whatever. But you didn't give a fuck about any of those jobs. I delivered

newspapers. I was a bellman before. You delivered newspapers. I was a bellman before. You delivered newspapers? Yeah, every day. And he still has the hat. The tips were shit. Thank you. Did it again, Jeremiah.

Watkins is on tonight. The retard joke, the paperboy hat. That's my career in a nutshell. The retard joke, the paperboy hat. He's scared shitless, too. That's my career in a nutshell. He's on to it. The retard joke, the paperboy hat. The kid's good. John Rogan, LA Times. Can I get a quote?

I enjoy mongoloid material. I like when they pick on the disenfranchised and the people who have disabilities. I always enjoy that because I don't have disabilities, so I can laugh. Bradless, that was awesome, man. Thank you so much, man. Quit your job, brother. Seriously. Quit your fucking job. Bradless, if you're free Friday, come to the L.A. Podcast Festival with us, will you?

Bradless, the lost site Festival with us, will you? Bradless Velocite. Breaking news, Bradless. Dude, you guys got some talent tonight. Yeah. Some fucking talent tonight. We've had some killers lately. Let's get through our two regulars and then we'll go to the bucket one last time and get out of here. How do you guys feel about that? We have two regulars

every single week. They do a brand new 60 seconds every single week. That's sort of a tough thing to do. Very, very hard. And it's awesome. Your first comedian, you know her, you love her, here she is, Vanessa Johnston, everybody. With a new 60 seconds.

Live on Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world, Vanessa Johnston. Are you number one now? Something I the world, Vanessa Johnston. Are you number one now? Something I just say. Vanessa Johnston, everybody. Yeah.

This week, a homeless guy asked me out on a date. He walked up to me and said, hey, girl, you got a quarter? I was like, no, sorry. And he was like, oh, OK. You single? I was like, no, sorry. And he was like, oh, okay. You single? I was like, what? And he was like, girl, you know I'm good with boxes. Imagine what I could do with your box in my box. And he was actually kind of hot. So I was like, maybe. No. You know eventually some girl is going to walk by him and go,

I can fix him. I'll give him a bath, teach him how to read. And then we'll get married and have babies. And whenever people ask her about him, she'll go, well, he's a rescue. Nailed it! Vanessa Johnston. Another new minute.

That's a good one. Thank you. I feel like it's awkward now. Well, I mean, it's one of those things where it's like, that is great beats and a fun misdirect. I'm curious as to how much of it, like, how... It's true? Yeah.

So, yeah, this week I was doing a bar show in Van Nuys, and the part that was true is the guy walked up to me, asked me if I had a quarter. I said no, and he was like, okay, you single? And then I wrote everything else. Right. Sometimes that's all it takes is a fun little spark to get it all going good uh and the fun misdirect that i didn't see coming was you thinking that the homeless guy was hot for a second like that part's funny to me was

it was that part true was he semi-attractive sort of like a young right i was like he's confident like yeah that does take super confidence to go from quarter to want to go on a date. He's like a man's man, you know? I don't know. A broke man's man. Hey, do you have a quarter? No? You want to go on a date?

You buy? For sure, obviously, right? That's so funny. Where do you think he would have wanted to go? Where would you take a girl if you guys were homeless? What day of the week was it? It was Wednesday. Who has specials on Wednesday?

Specials on a Wednesday? I don't know. Like there's a... I know, there's a fucking day by day pit differently. All right, I'll go fuck myself. It's gotta be crazy being a homeless guy

having the balls to ask a girl on a date, though. That is sort of an interesting thing that I've never really heard about that often. What's interesting is that confidence is that attractive, like even slightly, because guys don't really give a fuck if a girl's confident, as long as she's nice. That's true. We do prefer nice. If she'll talk to you, you're like, oh, you'll talk to me. Great.

Women don't have to be aggressive towards men. So the idea of confidence being a characteristic that you look for, it's interesting. No guys ever say that about a girl. Yeah, man, she's really confident. That's a nice way of saying she was ugly. No. Super duper confident in that one. She thought she could hang out with me.

You might use that in a long-term descriptive. She's really smart. She's really confident. Very interesting to talk to her. But you wouldn't just go with the confident thing right away. Like, oh, dude, you got a confident one? Fuck yeah. She'll probably know when you're fucking with her and she'll break up with you early.

She's smart. She's not going to take your bullshit. She's a confident one, right? It's weird. Whatever. I'm high. I don't give a fuck. That was awesome. I'm done.

That was a very funny minute. Vanessa Johnston. Thank you. Did it again. Have Vanessa Johnston. Vanessa Johnston. How about this, Joe? It's interesting what she said, too, about women wanting to fix men. That is another repeating trait. Yeah, that was another great part of that. It's interesting what she said, too, about women wanting to fix men. That is another repeating trait.

It's very weird. That does seem like the super fixer-upper. They want to refurbish us. Like an MRI machine from ten years ago. I'm stuck on those. You wouldn't necessarily need to get fixed up if you already had that much confidence. You could pick yourself up.

Yeah, but she would try to fix you, right? Like, dress you better, do your hair better, and maybe get you to just stop acting. Just be a mother and a whore at the same time. Whoa. Jesus, Pat Reagan. You just went dark. Nah.

You got super weird on us, dude. Sometimes he voices his opinion against the establishment. Whatever that means. I've heard like a scatter of those words before. I want to see Pat's Tinder profile. Looking for a motherly figure and a whore. Hey, that's true.

You know, I mean, that's what relationships have a lot of that element. So I was just saying something that was true. Totally. We got you all the something that was true. Totally. We got you. All the way. Even Snoop agrees via live feed right now. You can't just let that go. You don't want to let it go?

There's something there. There's something in that. I think you've been hurt. I think it's not. Well, I have mother issues. No shit. Like what? What's the best?

But girls want to take care of me and do stuff, and then I'm just like a freak. That's a big generalization. Girls want to take care of me. Girls that I hang out with. Some girls that are into that shit. Girls that I end up with. Right.

Want to really, like really take care of me. Take care of you, right. Yeah. Like breastfeed you. Do you feel like that's a pattern? I mean, everything but. Change your diaper. That's a pattern, a common pattern, the mother whore thing?

Yeah. Was your mother a whore? No. She's not? No, I can't even. Like you wouldn't know. I can't even picture her having sex. Is she a hot not? No I can't even Like you wouldn't know I can't even picture her having sex Is she good

Is she a hot mom? No Are you just saying that Because you don't want us to talk to her? No Okay What do you want him to say My mom's gross

No my mom's good She's got big tits But you know You don't want those What's like the most nurturing thing You've ever had a girl That you've been hooking up with do for you in a motherly way?

First thing that pops in your head. Just make me food and give it to me in bed. When you say give it to you in bed, do you mean the food? The food. Or the dildo. There you go.

Pat Reagan. And when you say food, like what kind of food? Like a bowl of cereal? Children's cereal? Like kale and eggs. Kale and eggs. Wow. Because, you know, because she's a mother, she wants to make healthy stuff.

These are hipster chicks? No, they're just health conscious, Russell. Health conscious. Joe, you want to hear something super cool? Absolutely. We have a regular who is back, and she just turned 21. Get the fuck out of here. She was on the show for weeks, and then we found out,

I remember when they cracked down and all of a sudden a year or two or whenever ago, people under 21 weren't allowed on anymore. And then last weekend she turned 21 again. Writing a new minute every week. Here she is, Allie Makovsky, everybody. Hi, thank you.

I just got fired from my job. I worked at a movie theater, which sucks. I got fired. My managers, they called me into the office, and they're like, hey, Allie, we're going to have to let you go. You're unprofessional. And I said, I didn't know that this was a profession. and I said, I didn't know that this was a profession.

As you guys have ears, you can hear that I have a very monotone voice. That's just how I talk. It makes having sex hard because no guy wants to hear me be like, oh yeah, sweet, uh-huh, sure, chill. I had to start watching porn just so I could sound alive. So now when I'm having sex with a guy,

I'll just be like, how fuck me? But I can't tell if I sound like a porn star or a race car. Boom. Thunder and lightning. Ally Makovsky.

The beast. Damn, she's on fire. Holy shit. That's fun. I'm so nervous. That was very funny. Oh, okay. Don't be nervous at all. You're really talented. That was very funny. You just turned 21? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was very funny. Oh, okay. Don't be nervous at all. You're really talented.

That was very funny. You just turned 21? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's awesome. I feel like I saw her before on one of the other shows. You may have been on. Before the embargo. Yes. She's only been back for two weeks. Yeah, this is my second time back. And you're just freshly 21. How long have you been on stand-up?

Two years now. Right. Two years. Is it hard to get in when you on stand-up? Two years now. Right. Two years. Is it hard to get in when you were 19 and 20? No. No. Wow. So bars? It's like this weird thing where, like, when you have boobs, you just are like, hey, I have boobs.

Let me in. And they're like, okay. That's why when I started out, I always carried a pair of boobs in my backpack. They'd be like, what the fuck makes you think you're going? Hello. Hello. Boobs. They weren't my own boobs.

I just carried someone else's. I just made that joke. Fuck. I specifically said I kept my boobs in a backpack. Can I get banned again? I even did an act out with it, which I very rarely do because it's a podcast. But if you looked over, you would have seen. I was actually holding the boobs for a moment. I want to get banned again at this point.

Did you really get fired? I did get fired for being unprofessional. I mean, the place I saw you at? How did you become unprofessional at a movie theater? I was on my phone all the time and I didn't really care about the job. Excellent.

Excellent way to go. That's good. If you're funny, like the last guy we were trying to tell him, if you're funny, that's the way to go. That means you are a professional. Yeah, you're a professional comedian. Yeah, fuck that job. Yeah. Fuck everybody who works there, too.

How about that? Yeah. Tell me where it is. Fuck them. Arclight. Arclight in Hollywood. Fuck you, Arclight in Hollywood. I like that place.

Yeah, everybody likes the Arclight. I feel bad Hollywood. Arclight in Hollywood. I like that place. Everybody likes the Arclight. I feel bad now. Even in comedy, they're always very friendly. People are always nice. It's a really good theater. You can pick your seat. It's really nice.

I do like it there. There was a guy, a homeless guy, who would come in so often. And the tickets there are like $20. And he would masturbate in the theater. And I just let him go because gotta take a break. You had some little arc light in the dark light. You know what I'm saying? What if he hits somebody's popcorn with that?

How are you going to know? Both of you. That's the way to do it. Jerk off in the arc light. Nothing like paying $25 to go find a place to jerk off. That's like a common thing. I used to work at a few movie theaters, and we had a guy that would always come in with a newspaper underneath his arm.

He looked professional, and he would just put the newspaper down and mask it. We kicked him out of like five different theaters. Why did you work at so many theaters? Yeah, that's a good question. Every theater I worked at, this guy would go and jerk off with newspapers. And he looked just like me! His name was Tyler Durden!

I sometimes see him in comedy clubs even now. That's what Red Band means when he says he's on a theater tour. You've only packed a newspaper? Man, that is fun. This is so cool. What movie was it? Was there a genre?

The one that he had to get kicked out of because someone was sitting next to him was Hail Caesar. Wow. He just loves 50s Hollywood, I think. Oh, my gosh. Who doesn't? He was about to shoot some Caesar dressing.

Oh, okie dokie. And that's just a note, ladies. If you are going to take care of him, he prefers a Caesar in bed. Oh, shit. Allie, we're really excited about having you back. We're excited, excited, excited. Another great minute. You're an absolute killer. Allie McCopsey, excited about having you back. We're excited, excited, excited. Another great minute.

You're an absolute killer. Allie McCopsey, here she is. The future. Look out. She's coming for your job, Amy Schumer. Red band. Yeah. We're going to go to the bucket one more time you guys ready for this shit

close out this motherfucker normally for some fun historical reason and I don't want to jinx it I probably am normally this is where the crazy person gets pulled out of for some reason we once had a guy what was that one guy's name

Ichabod. Ichabod. Holy shit. This guy was like a ghost of a ghost of a ghost. Here we go. Imran Khan. Keep it. Oh, shit. I hope Imran Khan never left a backpack in here. Yeah, shit.

I hope Imran Khan never left a backpack in here. Yeah, exactly. Yikes. Looks like this Khan is on us. Yes! Absolutely. My goodness. Well, let's try it again.

All right. How about Anthony Amorello? This is unbelievable. Wow. Love the people. Who the fuck signs up and leaves? I don't get it. Four people.

Do you ever take those people out of rotation? They can't come back? We used to. It's too late now. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Joe Mazzarini. Wow. There we go. You're ruthless.

There we go. All right. Wow. All right. Fantastic. Just have a few things I'd like to say. Recycling is so arrogant. That's it. That's it. All right.

This is going really well. If your company only has five employees, you cannot call yourself a CEO. That's another thing I'd like to say. Man, I want to thank Andrew for giving a good name to all us Uber drivers. I was going to go into a story about that,

but I'm never going to hit it in under the 15 seconds I have left. So, yeah. I want to apologize to all the other comics that actually wanted to come up here and do material. Yeah! Yeah! Wow. All right.

There he goes, Joe Mazzarini. Joe, have you ever done stand-up comedy before? This is my 12th time. Really? Yeah, yeah. I just want to say, recycling those jokes is arrogant. The first thing that you said was, I have a few things that I want to say here tonight,

and then you only said a couple things. Yeah, two. That's not a few. That's a couple. You would have to say, there's a couple things I want to say here tonight and another thing I'm not going to have time for in the end. That would actually have been really funny.

Yeah, yeah. Be your brain. If I was going to be really funny, this would have gone a much different way. You know what, Joe? Recycling this beer again. I'm going to send you off and we're going to get somebody else up here.

How about that? Good, good. All right, thanks. Good, all right. Thank you. Get out of here, Joe. Hey, Tony. Yeah, Jeremiah.

I think that apology has legs. It's good. It was good. What does he think a joke is? All right, here we go. Pulling a name out of the bucket. How about Eddie Cisneros? The weirdest thing ever.

Maybe we have to do something. You know, if they really wanted to get on stage, they would have just faked that they were that person. Yeah, that definitely doesn't work. Oh, yeah? Yeah, it's double. Would they be band or red band? Red band.

I pulled another name out. Here we go. Chris McCoy, everybody. Yeah! Yeah! Woo! What's up, everyone? I don't touch kids, even though I kind of look like I do.

I actually worked with kids diagnosed with autism for like seven years, and I used to drink a lot of water, and I'd forget to pull up my zipper. So when I'd get up and I'd be like, hey, your kid's ready, they'd be crying and kicking and screaming. And I'd be like, what'd you do to my kid? I'm like, no, I didn't do that. The worst would be when a kid would be kicking and screaming and I'd notice that my zip rose down.

I'd zip it up and someone would walk by and they'd be like, are we okay in here? I'm like, yeah, no. And like, I didn't fuck your kid. Yeah, no. I didn't fuck your kid. Really. The room had microphones and cameras so you could check.

There was no blood in my dick at all while your kid was... That's it There you go Chris McCoy This is a guy who definitely fucks kids I mean let's face it 100%

It's really the only thing It's even on your mind Is that a pager? Do you have a pager? No, it's my... Did you fly up? I think so. You sort of remind me of a weirder Al Yankovic.

Okay. Or like he got held back at Hogwarts and he's still there. Or like an AV guy who teaches autistic kids. Alright. Chris, what do you do for work? I Uber. It's just like everybody now.

We're all just turning into one Uber robot. How come nobody uses Lyft? I only use Lyft now, Joe. How come none of these comics are Lyft drivers? What's going on there? I had a buddy actually had his Lyft. He had a Lyft mustache.

He's not actually my buddy. He's one of my neighbors. And he had a Lyft mustache in his car and a thief stole it from his car. Somebody Lyfted it? What is a Lyft mustache? Like the big pink mustache they used to have on the car before they made it a little one. I ran into him today.

He's like, dude, where you been? I've been out on the road continuously. He's like, I haven't seen you in forever. He's like, someone broke into my car. I'm like, dude, I'm so sorry to hear that. What'd they take? He's like, my Lyft mustache. I'm like, it's not that bad, right?

Start a new life? He didn't think it was funny. It's a sign. You should get your shit together. Alright. Chris, you're just straight up Uber, though. Uber X? Yeah. It's got a fucking Prius. What did you do before Uber? What did a guy like you do?

Bookstore? Barnes and Noble? Something like that? No. A child molester. Something with books. Do you ever feel like you were born in the wrong decade? No. Because you fit right in like a Woodstocks documentary. You could even go farther back.

You're almost like Benjamin Franklin-esque a little bit. You know what I mean? You look like a picture of you flying a kite in the rain. I see like early 70s. He takes off a wig. He's Crispin Glover. Oh, geez. Pat Reagan letting it rip in the late innings here. He takes off a wig, he's Crispin Glover Oh jeez Pat Reagan letting it rip in the late innings here

Crisp So tell us more about you You look sort of like You look like you could both read and play electric guitar No, I play drums Whoa Look at this, a white guy trying to take a job from a Mexican. I'm Mexican, too.

No, I'm Mexican. Whoa. What the fuck is this shit? Mexican drum off. Mexican drum off. Mexican drum off. Ladies and gentlemen. There it is. Are you ready for a Mexican drum off, Brian?

Get back there. We have been known to have very fun segments happen spontaneously on the show. Live audience, to close out tonight's show, are you ready for the first ever Kill Tony Mexican drum off? Yeah! Alright, now here's the deal. Joel Jimenez has home field advantage, right?

Joel Jimenez. Joel has the right to rebuttal, so he goes first and then Joel will have his rebuttal. Absolutely, so going first here in the battle, the Mexican drum off, Chris McCoy, everybody. Here he goes. They didn't even shake hands.

I didn't expect this at all. I was almost out of here and then this shit happens. Isn't that the worst? Isn't it your American duty to leave before the Mexicans start drumming? I mean. This is one of the rare shows in America where you can tell a joke about fucking a baby,

and then they invite you to a drum off. It's so rare today. It's so rare today. Everyone's so sensitive. I hope there's no blood in the drum stool. You motherfucker. All right, Chris, you want to hit this shit? You want to just take over?

Do something crazy? What do you want to do? One, two, three, four. Chris McCoy with his half of the drum off. I'm scared for whatever the fuck's about to happen because Joel Jimenez was just taking off clothes. All right, that wasn't my best. Joe Jimenez! The Kill Tony drummer!

Yeah! Yeah! Wow! Chris McCoy, you can kiss your fat ass goodbye. I think the kid did pretty good considering that he went on first. Get the fuck out of here! Build that wall! Build that wall! Build that wall! Build that wall!

Build that wall! Build that wall! Build that wall! Build that wall! Build that wall! Build that wall! Holy fucking shit. Yeah! Gotta love it. I think it's awesome. I always say that we have more fun on Mondays than anybody else in the world. We do Mondays correctly.

Chris, how do you feel about... It's my boy Joe Jimenez! Anything else, Chris? How do you feel about just getting your ass handed to you in front of a... It wasn't my drum set. I think you mean Kulo. Wait a second. Wait a second. I think Joe Jimenez might have

to take off his underwear for this one. You know other things happen there, right? Also, Joe, your underwear is inside out, by the way. Hanes is not Enash. Those are boxers. That's why they rock it today. You want to let people know your brand. It's definitely inside out.

Now their shit stands on end. That is a fair point. I'm sorry. I apologize. All right. So do you feel like if it was your own drum set, you would have done better? Or do you feel like if you knew what the fuck he was going to do, all this craziness taking his clothes off, that that was kind of a dirty trick? Oh, no.

Would you have taken your clothes off if you went and did that first? Do you want a rebuttal in your underwear? Would you have taken your clothes off if you went and did that first? Do you want a rebuttal in your underwear? Would you have just whipped your hog out and started slamming on the cymbals? We could go Red Hot Chili Peppers style. I'll show you what's up. Red Hot Chili Peppers style. There he goes.

Joel Hernandez just disappeared. With the sock of truth. With the sock of truth. We just want to know how bad you want to make it, bro. This is like a... Jesus Christ. Yes, please dim the lights on this one. I love it.

Talk backwards? I don't think so. on this one. I love it. You know that sock is coming loose when he starts slamming them feet up and down. There's never been a cock sock in the world that's very durable. The bond is very precarious, always.

Barely hanging on. I haven't seen a pussy that hairy since 79. He's one of the few men left that doesn't manscape. He's a fucking real man, ladies. There's a lot of this going on in his house. I've never seen a Mexican that doesn't take care of his bush. You know what I mean?

It's a landscaping joke. Do you want to sit in that seat now? No. Don't be scared, man. Chris McCoy, is there anything else? There's only one way you're going to win. You take your shirt off, you put it on top of there, you've got to get fully naked, no sock, and then you win. Suck his dick.

Suck his dick. Suck his dick. Suck his dick. Chris, it's the only way you can really save yourself. Well, listen, man. It's not a loss. It's a learning experience. For sure, don't blame the drum set.

This guy's naked behind you, man. Some shit got crazy. You gotta accept that some shit got crazy. It wasn't just the drum set. Chris, is there anything... This guy did. He got naked. He started beating the fuck out of the drums. It's like flea and tick.

Chris, is there anything else that you want to tell us that you're good at when you're really just mediocre at it? I play left-handed, so the setup's messed up. It's in reverse. Hey, his underwear... His underwear was in reverse.

Solomones is on fire right now, by the way. He's just playing along with everything. I didn't know I was going to play drums, but I can hang off a 60-story building

and clean the windows. I can do that. You can what? I can hang off a 60-story building and clean the windows. You do that? I used to in Hawaii

for two years. I used to do that also. Were you wired or harnessed to anything? You sit on a boson chair on a wood plank and then you rig it to a rope

and you just go down. Whoa. Fuck yeah. Can you do that going down hand job one more time? Oh, you squeeze it. You are the real McCoy.

Chris, do you know anybody who fell? Yeah. They lived, they fell five stories and then they lived. They fell five stories. They broke all their bones. But it wasn't their drum set.

Five stories. Boom! Five stories and lived? What did they land on? Their ass. A bucket? A bucket where we keep our water. He landed on top of that and saved him. Otherwise, he would have died.

And he did heroin, too. He did heroin before cleaning windows? I think he was on heroin. You should know because you did it with him, right? No, no, no. This was like years ago before I worked there. And that's where the term kick the bucket came from. Oh, you son of a bitch.

Hawaii Five, no on that one. Chris McCoy. You feel weird about that naked guy behind you? Who just beat you playing drums? Is that weird? On his drum set? No. He's dominant behind you.

I would say that getting owned by a guy who just has his dick covered in a tube sock has to be a little awkward. There's a suit jacket on that. It's just a suit jacket and a tube sock has to be a little awkward. There's a suit jacket on there. Just a suit jacket and a tube sock. And he's like directly projecting it towards you, the whole thing. And when he first came out, he was actually holding it on while he was walking, but he hasn't touched it

in quite a while, which leads me to believe that he got an erection when he owned you. And now the sock's just holding on itself. That would be way hard to deal with, right? If he was rock hard, just playing his ass off. And you're like, I can't even get hard when I'm by myself.

This dude is up here beating on the drums hard as a rock. And all aggressive about it. It's weird, right? It's weird. Very rarely does this happen to you in life. Where you don't know it's going to happen, but you're on stage and there's a dude naked behind you beating the fuck out of the drums and it's all about you. While you're doing a squat showing us how you go down. Look at his piercing gaze.

Look behind you. He hasn't taken his eyes off you, man. He's like a fucking jaguar. He's like one of those mountain lions looking at your house cat through the window. You ever see those memes? He's like a fucking jaguar. He's like one of those mountain lions looking at your house cat through the window. And speaking of piercing gaze... Look at him, man. He hasn't stopped staring at you, dude.

He's sizing you up. This is dark. You might not know. Joel Jimenez is actually a superhero who gets pedophiles off the streets by beating them in drum battles. Chris, it was nice to meet you. There he goes. Chris McCoy's first time on the show. A lot of new people tonight.

A lot of new shows. Chris McCoy is on Twitter. Rednecks 3000. Joe Rogan, we're doing Columbus and Philly next weekend. I'm really excited about that. Yes, we are, Tony Hinchcliffe. And we'll be at the Pasadena Ice House this weekend, but that shit's sold out. Yes, indeed.

Russell Peters, you got anything coming up or anything crazy? Russell Peters? New Netflix special, October 7th. October 7th. Jeremiah Watkins, Pat Reagan? At Jeremiah's stand-up on Twitter, the next stand-up on the spot is October 18th here at the Comedy Store. I'd like to give an Emmy to Jeremiah Watkins for Best Drummer

right now. Joel Jimenez. That's the star of the night, ladies and gentlemen. Joel Jimenez, ladies and gentlemen. Give it up for that bad motherfucker. The Golden Cock. I'm mostly sorry on Twitter.

He's mostly sorry on Twitter. Ryan J. Ebel's drawing that took place during this show has all four of us on it. His car just got wrecked, so go buy some prints. You can buy the official Kill Tony poster, which is on the ground live on the stage.

That's it. We did it. Thank you the ground, live on the stage. That's it. We did it. Thank you so much, live audience. You guys are an awesome, awesome crowd. It was so fun. We made history. We love you. Good night. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, pig, piggy, pig, pig, pig.

All of my fears came true. Black and blue and broken bones, you left me here. Thank you. Outro Music We'll see you next time. you