KILL TONY - KILL TONY #176

Episode Date: October 11, 2016

Stephen Glickman, Kirk Fox, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Jeremiah Watkins, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Ali Macofsky, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 09/23/2016 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This is Kill Tony. Subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Hit subscribe, and don't forget to rate and review the show. Or you can subscribe to the Death Squad Podcast on iTunes, and that gets all the shows that we do here at Death Squad, including Kill Tony, Bedtime Stories, Verbal Violence, What Brian Red Band Do, a bunch of them. So hit subscribe to that.

Or you can go to TonyHinchcliffe.com to find everything else you want to find out about Tony, including his, he's all over the place right now. He's doing these crazy tour dates. He's going to be in Buffalo, New York this week. He's going to be in Sydney, Australia for two weeks. Just go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for all his information and merch. Speaking of merch, don't forget to go to shop squad dot TV.

I know it's pretty empty right now, but we have a bunch of new stuff about to be released. So keep your eye on shop squad dot TV, the official merchandise of the death squad universe. Don't forget Ryan J. Ebelt has a website and that's the house artist. He draws every episode and then sells prints of all the drawings. You can help him out by going to ryanjebelt.com. And, of course, deathsquad.tv is your home base. There you have everything we do at Death Squad,

including all the video portions to all the websites or all the podcasts. You can just go to Death Squad, click on videos, or you have our tour dates. We're going all over the place and booking stuff all the time. Me and George Perez are taking Death Squad to Ontario, the Ontario Improv, and that's going to be October 20th. It's one night, one show only. We're also bringing some

special secret guests. So check out DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Don't forget that Kill Tony is recorded every Monday at the Comedy Store. You can go for free. That's right, free. 8 o'clock every Monday. And then every Tuesday we have Verbal Violence.

That's the roast battle. And that's every Tuesday night at the Comedy Store. Every first and third Friday we are at the Ice House in Pasadena for our secret show. And every first of the month every Wednesday, first Wednesday of the month, we are at the Comedy Store main room for a super our secret show. And every first of the month, every Wednesday, first Wednesday of the month,

we are at the comedy store main room for a super special secret show. You can get all this information by just going to death squad. Dot TV and clicking on tour dates. All right, guys, here's a brand new episode from the LA pod fest. This is actually an interesting episode. Um,

this is our third or fourth time doing it. And, yeah, you're going to understand what's going on with this podcast once you start listening to it. A lot of problems with this one. We had, let's just say, the sound effects were almost on mute, especially like when you call a comedian up and it's nice to have like some nice loud music you know we we had a quiet quiet little show today and it became kind of a problem so this is an interesting episode i haven't re-listened to this since we did it uh for good reason so let me know what you guys think uh this is uh live from the la pod fest here's kill Tony. Live from the Los Angeles Podcast Festival. Yeah!

Yeah! Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the 2016 L.A. Podfest in Beverly Hills, California. Get up for a kill, Tony! Volume 4 with Tony! The motherfucking Hitchclap! Hey, everybody. Hello. Wow. Wow. Listen to that roar. This is exactly what I thought was going to happen. No, don't fake it.

I want the podcast listeners to know exactly what's going on here. Don't you overcompensate for what's happening. What are you talking about? I want them to hear and feel the empty chairs. No, don't audience laugh this yet, Brian. Too soon. too soon. I'm giving a thing here. I

am in love with what's happening here tonight. A lot of people would panic. They'd go, the 300 seat room. There's like seven people in there. Eight of them are comedians. You've got to wait here, Brian. You've got to wait here, Brian.

You've got to hold off a little bit. We're going to start all that in a second. There's more sound guys than there are audience members in this room right now. This is bigger than sound effects. This is bigger than comedians. This is bigger than everything. When we did this show three years ago, we did this show three years ago, we did this show

three years ago, there were hundreds and hundreds of people in the room. Three years later, here we are. What have we done? 180 episodes? Yeah, we just got up to 180. And look what we have become. Look at, you know what it is?

I think I have an idea. Is that maybe, because we do a free show every Monday, Look what we have become. You know what it is? I think I have an idea. Is that maybe because we do a free show every Monday, I think we sort of thought that there'd be a bunch of people here. Thank you. And now here we are. This is a real live show.

This is as real as it gets. I, as we all know, have a pretty good life. Awesome times all the time. I am embarrassed to the comedians that got chosen for tonight. First of all, let me acknowledge that. But you know what? When in Rome, we fucking roll with it. And that is what podcast festivals are all about. Am I right?

Yeah! Rolling with it. I walked in today, Brian, and I wanted to see the room that our show was happening in. So I walked through the back door, and it turns out that it wasn't a comedy podcast. Not the first walked through the back door and it turns out that it wasn't a comedy podcast. Not the first time through the back door.

Okie dokie. For you second graders listening to the show with a wild sense of humor, that one was for you. And I was like, who the fuck, how are all these people watching a podcast?

It was just people talking into microphones. Yeah, you forget that there's more than one category in podcasts. There's like 20 different categories in podcasts. This was like drama. And I'm like, how are these people watching this? And I'm like, I'm going to see what this is. 20 seconds later, I was locked into position. Just watching this lady read a script. It was awesome, whatever that podcast was before us.

So I'm describing for the listeners of the show, we are at a podcast festival. We are the third show of the night. We are at the absolute end of the night, which I thought was going to be like rock and roll shit. It's like Nirvana shit right now. It's dead as fuck. Nirvana, like third string cover band.

And, you know, here we are. Ryan J. Ebelt is here, house artist. He draws every episode. He draws every single episode. He has a blank sheet of paper in front of him and an entire huge art set. He drew the poster, the Kill Tony poster, which is up in my living room, framed and awesome.

I love it. So why don't you get one, too the Kill Tony poster, which is up in my living room, framed and awesome. I love it. So why don't you get one too? Kill Tony poster. RyanJEBelt.com is where all those prints are available. I wish you could draw an audience because we obviously can't. You know what I'm saying? He's like our courtroom artist. He pretty

much draws what happens tonight. Tonight he's going to be because I'm pretty sure someone's going to get shanked up here. This is an interesting vibe. We normally do this show every Monday for free at the Comedy Store here in Hollywood, California at 8 o'clock. So if you guys ever want

to come there, be our guest. It's sold out every week, but... That's why, you know, this episode's extra special is because you're going to get to see us really, you know, in the zone which we were in years ago when we absolutely started it. I mean, the first few weeks of us starting our podcast, it was exactly like this. audience members and like eight comedians that signed up to do it because they sort of realized what it was and that people

were listening with headphones and shit. And it's all, we've just moved to the main room of the comedy store. We had like, I think, what would you say, about 200 people on a Monday. 200, yeah. And now

we're here. Closing out a big Friday night. I'm excited about it, though. I'm pumped. So here's the deal. We're going to bring up the band. They normally get the audience all pumped up. I'm pretty sure that's going to be easy tonight.

So let's just get into it. They are the Kill Tony Band. It's a special duo tonight of Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Jimenez, everybody. Pat Reagan's not here tonight. He had a gig. Oh, can we get the music a little louder? No, it's not. It's Friday night.

You can't turn it off. Oh, my God. Wow. Fuck yeah. It's just like a real rock and roll venue. Commitment, ladies and gentlemen. Commitment. Thank you for the lowest audio entrance ever uh can the sound guys turn down their hearing aids for a second uh we're trying to kick this off with energy and it's like i mean even the subwoofers are like seven audience members you know what i? It's like everything's just super duper low profile.

This may be a coup. This may be a coup set up by somebody. I feel like this is some kind of like new NBC prank show, like ruin a podcaster's night. Hey, they're doing so good. So here's what we do. We set up a fake show. We don't let anybody in the back doors.

Dude, this is real. This is true TV. I like true TV. Our friend Sarah Tiana and some other friends have new shows there. There's some good shows on that. I love Adam Ruins Everything. It's my favorite show ever. I like Impractical Jokers.

That is probably the hardest I've laughed at a show in a long time. I love that show. Me too. Jeremiah and Joel Jimenez. Joel Jimenez, famous for stealing the show, getting basically a standing ovation on Monday night. Jeremiah Watkins from Roast Battle. Fame is the wave, part of the goddamn comedy jam.

So many great shows. How are you doing, Jeremiah? How do you feel about tonight? I'm doing great. I think we're going to power through, and this is going to be a magical evening. And it's an opportunity for us to get weirder than normal because we can experiment with this small crowd.

Oh, yeah. It's going to get dirty tonight. I'm excited about it. I really am super pumped. Should we take off our pants during this episode? Yeah! That guy really wants you to over there. He's really into it.

The lady, the only lady in the room, by the way, started throwing up in the second row when you started talking about taking off your pants. Too much dick for that one. But there's some internet troll back there that really wants to see you take your pants off. I heard it. By the way, I was complimenting your joke backstage to Joel,

your Ryan Ebelt joke. Maybe he can draw an audience because we obviously can't. Guys, that should have gotten applause break. These people, some of them, you know. That wasn't applause break. It wasn't applause break. It sounded like this. know. That was an applause break. That was an applause break. It sounded like this. Yeah, it was all very light.

Yeah. It was very light. So what do you think? Should we bring up one of tonight's guests and the other one's going to be here in like 10 minutes? How do you guys feel about that? Yeah! Your first guest.

You know him and love him from so many things. I know I do. He now has a new movie coming out from the makers of the Lego movie, a Sony Pictures production, from the new movie Storks. Ladies and gentlemen, our good friend, Stephen Kramer Glickman.

Wow. Here he is. Fuck yeah, here he comes. With all the energy. Anywhere you want. Where do you want me to sit? Here, sit here. I want you right next to me.

Hey, Stephen Kramer Glickman. Hi, Stephen. Hi, buddy, how are you? Hi. If you want to keep it in Hey, Steven Krabbe-Gleggman. Hi, Steven. Hi, buddy. How are you? Hi. If you want to keep it in there, you can keep it in there. If you want to talk into it, you could do that. You could use both of those. Make yourself at home, Steven. I'm excited about the new movie, Storks.

Well, thanks there, pal. I appreciate that. You got to work with Jennifer Aniston on that. I did. It's Jen Aniston and Andy Samberg andy sandberg and kean peel all right back to jennifer aniston yes um so is there any truth to the rumors that the reason why all this is happening is because all that divorce shit is because you are hooking up with j Aniston. That's exactly 100%. Brad Pitt got mad. Yeah, Brad Pitt was like, this is not fair. I can't let that guy fuck Jennifer Aniston.

He's fucking her. I got to get back in the game. I got to reassess my whole life. I'm going to leave all these adopted kids with, what's their name? Yeah. Angelina. Yeah, he's like, just keep the kids. I got to go fight Glickman in a park did

you get to meet jennifer aniston yeah real talk real talk got to meet her very nice how short was that hello before she got hustled off into her trailer i want to know like how like really really short how short are we talking because i'm guessing it's like three words or less it was a minute it was about a minute of conversation three words in one minute just as i was like a hey you're great oh i love it i love it bye that was it it was like that yeah yeah it was fast but i got to spend uh six hours uh doing press with kelsey grammar which was fucking insane and i got to spend an entire day with andy sandberg which was fucking insane. And I got to spend an entire day with Andy Samberg, which was also

insane. Oh my God. It's crazy. Kelsey Grammer. Highlight of hanging with Kelsey Grammer? So ridiculous. Did you guys watch Frasier DVDs? Yeah, we threw them at each other. No, he just he was just so weird and cool. He would go

he'd go we're going to go in there and we're going to talk He would go, we're going to go in there, and we're going to talk to these people, and we're going to make a difference. Or not. Who cares? Either way, we're getting paid, right, buddy? It was like that the whole time.

Oh, I fucking love that. It was so great. And then we had to do these interviews, and every time they'd ask us the same question, like, what's your favorite part of the movie? He would go, my favorite moment in the film was when the boy turns to his father, and he says, I won't always want to spend...

I'm sorry. I'm getting a little teared up. And his eyes would tear up, and I'd go, oh, my God. You okay, buddy? He'd go, you take this one. You take this it's just so you okay buddy you go you you you take this one you take this one and then I would answer the question right and then 10 minutes later we move into another room we're doing international press with somebody else and they go what's your

favorite moment in the film he goes my favorite moment in the film is when the father turns to the side I'm so sorry I'm kidding He got teared up five times that day. Oh, my God. He nailed it in front of everyone. He's a real actor. He's a real actor. Wow. That guy is.

How awesome is that story? It was so impressive. Watching him, and he's right here, and he's just tears in his eyes. And we go, oh. I was like, I just saw him do it. I just saw him do it! I just saw him do that ten minutes ago! The first time you felt bad, the fifth time you're like, this

motherfucker. That's exactly it. The fifth time you do your interview, you're just like, oh! Oh! Am I making it yet? Oh! My crying face is less attractive. Dude, if you cried, it would go so viral. I didn't hear about Kelsey Grammer crying. My little double bear.

Yours would end up being a meme. Yeah. That's one weird thing. We see so many open micers. When you see the guys that are actors, that they're not really comedians, where they're almost acting like comics. Does that bug you? Or is that like a Kelsey Grammer thing where you're like, oh, that's adorable?

I think it's really funny to watch somebody try to be somebody else like i think that's i think it's always really funny but especially like the last time i did kill tony there was this guy and he he put on this whole act do you remember this guy and he was wearing this t-shirt he was this uh this black dude and he was like yeah i'm from the streets i'm from the hood you know i've been living on the street killing it and then you're like really where are you from and he's like well originally i'm from santa clarita california i grew up i grew up there and i try i try very hard and we're like what are you doing what is this character that you're doing and it and then after and then he would you kept giving him other chances to try other material, and he just kept going back to this character,

and it wasn't working. And then after the show, I saw him downstairs at the comedy store, tears in his eyes, and in front of all his friends, he's like, I think I'm just going to move home, man. I don't know. I can't do this. I was like, yeah, what do you expect, man? You're going on Kill Tony, and you're just pretending to be.

You can tell if someone's fake, you know? Oh, yeah. We can all tell. That's what's great is we can all see right through it. Tonight's an interesting show because over the last couple weeks, randomly out of shows, we've tried to pick a mishmash of different comedians. Most of them actually some of the most talented people on the show. And so that's going to be fun.

Some of the fun people that we've talked to because we couldn't just invite every comedian here to sign up for it or else this place would be fucking packed. You know what I mean? But instead we've limited it to... We should have done that. Actually, looking back, we should have probably just had our bucket of comedians be all like headliners

what we should have done is we should have had no that'd be absolutely terrible what we should have done was we should have invited everybody and just had them wait on the sidewalk and then there would be like a 45 second delay before they're on the show and not on the show and then there would be like a 45 second delay before they're on the show and

not on the show. And once they're gone, once they're done with their time, they'd have to get back outside of the hotel. If we made like some kind of like deal. Just had like 50 people waiting on the sidewalk. But instead we booked a bunch of actual funny people. And now you almost feel bad having them

try to do stand-up. Yeah, we should have trapped some more people in this room. I think maybe we should just do like a special interview edition of Kill Tony where we just go straight into meeting them. We should probably explain the show for the people because there's a lot of people out here who have no idea what we're talking about. For these people? These two know about the show.

I've seen them before, right? These guys know what it is. Who hasn't seen this show before? Who hasn't heard of it before? Make some noise. Clap your hands. Okay, sure. We'll tell you then.

Here's what happens. Just for you six people. We have a bucket full of comedians, right? Normally there's like 40, 50, 60 people sign up at the comedy store where we usually do it. And they're always in the back of the room. And then there's a big audience in front of us and uh and they're piled in the back and we pull a name out of the buck and they do 60 seconds of stage time they know their 60 seconds is up when they hear the sound of a kitty and that means wrap it up then or else then they bring out

the angry west Hollywood bear. Thank you so much for the sound guys for really turning this part up a lot. Can we make it any louder? Is this really? Are you guys even hearing that or is this sound like you're. They're back there. Are you guys sleepy? Can we make his soundboard a little louder?

Voices are great. You guys are nailing it on voices. Can we just get that board up a little bit louder? Maybe even a little more. It's a dog in a well. That's nice. This is how we check our soundboard. We put a dog in a well, and we have a different podcast happening. Hey, Tony.

There we go. There we go. Cool. There we are a different podcast happening. Come on. Hey, Tony. There we go. There we go. Cool. There we are. We're there. Great. Thank you, guys. Put your hands together for the sound, guys.

Great job, guys. It's a thankless job back there. We love you. Thank you. Literally, no one thanks them. Thanks for making it comfortable. Tony, can I just say it's a dream come true to perform in a ballroom finally, and I'm glad that I could do it under these circumstances.

I completely agree with you. Nothing makes this situation better than high ceilings and deep, empty sides. You know what I mean? Oh, that's good. Win in a ballroom. Have a ball, you know? Joel Jimenez. If you give me the word, I'll get naked as soon as it's on.

We might have to get there, but we have to build up to that. Let's build up to it. I'm ready, though. He got addicted to that ovation instantly from last show. He's like, you want to see my dick? I'm ready, though. He got addicted to that ovation instantly from last show. He's like, you want to see my dick? I'm ready. Let's do it. Any sign of our second guest, Josh?

When he's here, will you just give me a light from the back of the room? What do you think? Do we just jump into it? Yeah, let's do this. You guys ready to start the show or what? I'm going to pull a name out of the bucket. Let's do this thing. I'm going to pull a name out of the bucket.

But how about this? I'm allowed to get a drink first, right? We could all get a drink real quick. Go get a drink. Go get drinks for us. Brian's getting everybody drinks, obviously, guys. Yeah, of course.

This is like an awesome Thanksgiving dinner in here. I feel like this is what the Laugh Factory's free Thanksgiving dinner is like. You know what I mean? All the homeless people go in there. There's like a half a show going on. Everybody's like broke and hungry. Have you ever seen that show?

Yeah, it's very uncomfortable. I know you've probably served people because you do like everything. You're like such a good guy. I'm a really nice person. Steven's like one of those guys that does like make-a-wishes and shit and then like brags about it all the time.

Yeah, all the time. I saved, I held a dying baby today. What'd you do? Well, Kelsey Grammer asked me funny questions. What is your go-to porn, Steven? What's my go-to porn? I can't even imagine what your porn is. Can we get any truth from you?

Yeah. Like real shit. Or are you going to tell us that your favorite porn is the new hit movie, Storks, coming out? I like bird shit. Stork porn? Yeah. No, any movie that's... No, I'm a POV.

I'm a POV fan. Wow, really? And recently, the headset... Oh, my God. The 3D thing in the middle. You do virtual reality? Oh, my God. I'll tell you what.

No, that's a I'll tell you what. That's a tricky situation. Because basically you're wearing a mask. And so if anybody catches you, you're in a lot of trouble. How scary would that Bond villain be? Glickman just wearing that mask, masturbating, walking around, looking for his prey. I thought he meant Persians on Vietnamese women. It's kind of...

You stupid, Redman. It's very real, and it's very uncomfortable. I mean, it's nice, but it's also very uncomfortable. You've got to be careful, or you might not be able to come without a helmet on. Right. That's a huge problem. That could be a big problem.

I could only get turned on by wearing a mask. That'd be fucking really weird. That's a problem. Yeah, that's a real issue. That was a bad choice on my part. Let me ask you this. What's the creepiest thing you jerked off to recently? Can I ask you that?

What? The creepiest thing? The creepiest thing? I don't know. And then I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours. And I'll tell you even though you didn't ask me. Oh, I'm excited about this. Our good little

Christian band leader over here, Jeremiah, must have jerked off to something extra weird recently. Jeremiah, what did you jerk off to? Oh, we're going to open one line? Okay. I found out that uh there is a teenage ninja turtle board yes and i was like i gotta at least look at this thing like and uh yeah watched most of it um like even after i came i'm like what's the storyline

here uh and then and then the the final shot the final shot at the end is uh is april o'Neal just jerking off all four Ninja Turtles and green dicks coming ooze, green ooze, secret of the ooze on her face. How'd they make it green? Oh, man. Well, it wasn't the turtle dicks were fake.

It wasn't like... Wait, were they... Was it like Michael Bay CG turtles? Like, what are we getting into? Yeah, these better not have been Michael Bay turtles. I'll watch that. For sure. I'm not into Bay porn.

Oh, no. No, it's like these costumes, like, where there's, like, a shell around their actual penises. And then there was, like, some machine that, like, machine that was squirting like a paint gun of green. I'm going to Google this when I get home. This is incredible. But Casey Jones really gave it to April like the normal way. Oh.

Like he put his hockey mask on. He's like... And you're just slow stroking it. Well, yeah. I'm just like, what is this exactly? I'm intrigued by this. Let me ask you this. Did Splinter make an appearance in this?

I don't think so. I think, well, no, I think he was just like a little puppet, but he didn't do any porn stuff. He did exposition for it. I think he was just like a little puppet, but he didn't do any porn stuff. Oh, there was no sexy rat? He did exposition for it. Yeah, there wasn't any sexy rat stuff. Oh, that's too bad.

Yeah. Boom! Boom! Yeah. And then I got lost on the, I don't, and I rarely watch porn, but I got lost in the rabbit hole of like, oh, if you like this video, then you might like this video and then it was just the the girl who starred in teenage mutant ninja turtles naked reading and i'm like what is this exactly ah and that's what did it i don't know it was watching watching it

was just weird that there's a section of fetish where there's i guess there's porn where you just watch porn stars read and you're like yeah yeah, they can read. I was watching one where it was one of these VR porns and you're having sex with this We get it. You watch VR porns. It's this blonde lady and you're real into it because everywhere you look, you're in the room.

You're right there. And then right in the middle of it, the phone rings and she answers the phone. She goes, hello? Yeah. No, no, I'm not doing anything. I'm good. And I'm like, what? What's happening? It was like, wait. It was too real. It was too real because you're like, hey, I'm

right here. I'm here. I'm inside of you. It was just not. It's just like, I'm not doing anything. Sure. Yeah. No. Come on over. Can I tell you what I don't understand about virtual reality porn is like, I mean, all right, so you're fucking a chick you got 360 degrees what else are you gonna look at oh you're in that porn other than the chick you're fucking like who's gonna stop and be like you know what let me check out these closets for a second you know i'm just like

there's nice closet space sometimes you look at furniture you go that's a nice table when they got i wonder where they got that table. Just jerking off to the table. Oh, you fucking dirty wooden table. That's a nice Ikea table. It's a little weird. Let's start this shit. Let's do it. You know how it works.

I pull a name out of the bucket, they get a minute. So let's just do it, shall we? Alright. I'm going to pull a name out of the bucket, they get a minute. So let's just do it, shall we? All right. I'm going to pull a name out of the bucket here. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. And the first name that I pulled out is Bradless Philostite. I get knocked out, but I get knocked out. You're never going to keep me down.

Here he comes. It's Bradless. But I get up again. You're never going to keep me down. Here he comes, it's Bradless. My name is Bradless. I'm black, I'm from Miami. I'm going to say nigga a lot. Y'all white niggas cool?

We as black men are less threatening when we carry whole food bags in our hands in public. Like a white lady got to look at you and be like, I bet you that nigga listens to NPR. It's like, wait, wait, don't tell me. Is that a roogle in your bag? Nah. I'm an ignorant person. I was 32 years old before I realized Hall & Oates was a white band. I got VH1 Classic. I was like, who are these white niggas singing my favorite black songs? I'm a regular person. I get most of my news through Hip Hop Morning Radio. If Charlamagne Tha God doesn't say it, I don't fucking believe it.

You know what I'm saying? That's how I do it. That's how I find out about ISIS. It's like, is that a mixtape with Future or a terrorist organization? I don't fucking know. Fuck yeah, 55 seconds. Bradless. How do you say your last name again? That's how you say it.

Fuck yeah. Then you hear the sound of a kitty. That was the longest say it. Then you hear the sound of a kitty. That was the longest outro ever. Whoa. Falaktet. Awful. Yes, Falaktet.

Is that Jewish? What the fuck happened there? We're fucking up today. Thanks, Jeremiah Watkins. Yeah, Jeremiah with the assist on that. So, Bradless, hilarious as always. Great job. Thank you.

Remind me again, how long have you been on stand-up? Three years. Where are you from? Miami. And what do you do? Work at a hotel. Oh, yeah. What hotel do you work at?

Oh, God damn it. Don't say the actual name of it. Instead of saying it, why don't you ask a different question? All right. It's a luxury hotel. About the hotel. It's a luxury hotel. What do you do at the hotel?

I'm a doorman bellman. Oh, okay. I have no responsibilities at all. Do people at work know that you do stand-up? Unfortunately, yeah. Why unfortunately? Because it's a weird thing when people find out you do stand-up at your job, and it turns into you're the joke guy all and then uh especially when they go to your shows

oh they turn to you they go hey i've got material yeah yeah and it's like what a bunch of assholes yeah fuck you greg you work the night shift uh yeah sometimes you ever see any crazy shit? Not like, you don't have to name any names or anything, but anything like drunk people? Well, two months ago, a couple left, and they left a bag in their room. So they go, oh, we left a bag in our room. Can the bellman go get it?

And it was full of cocaine, which was dope as fuck. Holy cocaine. Yeah. Our second guest is Kirk Fox, ladies and gentlemen. There we go. Kirk Fox. One of the best comedians in the world and one of our favorite guests here on Kill Tony. I was told there would be like 20, 30 people.

This is perfect. Yeah, Kirk, let me fast forward you. Sorry I'm late. I've been here. I've just been watching in the back, just watching the momentum build. And when it was ready, I slid in. I love that. So good.

I'm glad that you made it. Will this be here the whole time? If you want to get rid of it. No, I like it. Okay. I like this. It just feels good. Sometimes you want leverage.

Go ahead. Get back to the cocaine. I'm pretty sure these are the podcast Emmy Awards, by the way. That's a good idea, actually. A lot of people I'd like to thank. The seven people that were in the room that won LA Podcast Festival. It's a great thing.

Best live podcast in the world is something that I think we've always chased and always wanted. Do all your jokes again, my friend. Yeah. Bradless killed. Typical thing. Kirk, how was your ride here? Welcome to the show.

Good to be here. The ride was exciting. I took an Uber from the comedy store. It was a new experience. There was fear. There was a lot of talking from him. I probably won't see him again. I'm hoping I don't have to, but it was important.

It's good to be a part of this. Those are awkward. It's so weird that we have these weird mini conversations with people that we'll never talk to. These weren't mini. This was five strong minutes. Yeah. They're aggressive sometimes. There was nothing small about what he was talking about.

I was a little upset that the hotel was so far away. There's been quite a few times where I always usually am taking the earliest flight out when I go on the road. And I'll take an Uber to the airport because I don't live that far from it. And these people try to talk to me for the 15, 20-minute drive that they have. And when I say these people, I want you to know. And if they knew you more, they wouldn't. Say that again? If they knew you more, they probably wouldn't want to talk to you.

Exactly. Like if you got that Uber driver again, he'd be like pass. Well, I'm pretty cold as ice early in the morning and they're trying to talk. Only in the morning? Oh. Oh, look at the good guy over there.

So is this the ballroom? Where are we? Yeah, we're in the ballroom. Do I still need to be here? Hey, do you guys... When the Uber driver's talking to you, do you ever do the fake phone call thing where you just hold up the phone

and every minute you go, mm-hmm? You don't do that at all? I've done it. I had an Uber driver the other day who gets in the car, old Japanese guy, and he goes,

you pray that the Pokemon go? And I go, yeah, I've played the game. And he goes, you pray that the Pokemon go? And I go, yeah, I've played the game. And he goes, it's not just for kids. I pray it too. I go, that's great. He goes, you catch a Pikachu? I go, not really. He goes,

what? And he just, the whole drive he was asking me about what Pokemon I can't believe your Uber driver was Bobby Lee. That is so cool. That's my best Bobby Lee impression. I get a talkative Uber driver. I just say, no, thank you. And just keep, like, I just look at the window and say, no, thank you.

You really say that? Yeah. Oh, you probably have a bad rating. Wow. You know they rate the customers, right? Huh? You know they rate the customers. They won't pick you up if you're a certain level, just? Huh? You know they rate the customers.

They won't pick you up if you're a certain level, just like you won't accept them as a driver. It's fucked up. Like, you'll be stranded on Sunset just because you give... Because I'll get Uber. No, no. If you have a friend that's drunk and you're like, I'm going to call you an Uber, and they puke in that Uber, you get the bad rating.

So you're being a good guy. Next thing you know, you have a 4.2 because you're just giving Ubers to dumb sluts that owe you money. These are true stories that we're talking about. I feel like I should call my Uber driver and just let him finish his story. It's Kirk. I saw you a few minutes ago. I kind of cut you off because we got where we were.

Why don't you go ahead and finish that story? So a couple months ago, where were we? You found cocaine. Oh, yeah. You found it were we? You found cocaine Yeah I found cocaine I could have lost my job Where did you find it? I'm sure He works at a hotel

He works at a hotel And he works the night shift As a bellboy How much cocaine did you find? It's a bellman I hate bellboy When they say that shit. It pisses me off. That's the name of the thing.

No, it's not the name of the goddamn thing. It's part of it. It says bellman on my schedule. You can hate the job. Don't hate the name. All right. Respect the title. I love that.

No, but I got tipped like 500 bucks. There was like, don't tell your manager. They asked to talk No, but I got tipped like 500 bucks. Like, there was like, don't tell your manager. Like, they asked to talk to me and shit. It was like, don't tell your manager. They asked me, did you look inside? I was like, of course I looked inside. Who wouldn't look inside?

And then I got 500. I shouldn't be saying these fucking stories. Why do you keep on doing it? You've done this like two weeks in a row. No, don't say that. Don't say that. Or else you're going to have people listen. Do you have like a guy at your work who takes his job too seriously? Oh, shit.

Yeah. I got a dude who's been working there for 20 years and has been leaving to do real estate for 20 years. He's a Bell grandfather. That's great. You got to talk about that guy on stage. Those are the best guys. Thank you so much for this award. Who do you want to thank?

I want to thank the Academy of Podcasters and the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe, as well as Red Band. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the porno. Bradless, keeping in this theme of ridiculousness, what's the weirdest porn you've watched and sort of enjoyed at the same time? Granny interracial.

What was the first word? Grain? Yeah. Grain? I'm just picturing her right now. She's kind of dope. Yeah, granny interracial. Yeah. Grain? I'm just picturing her right now. She's kind of dope. Granny. Yeah, granny interracial.

I thought you said grain, and I was like, this could be good. But it can't be like, it has to be interracial. It can't be like a white grandmother and then like a white dude. That's no fun. Like an old, yeah. But she has to be like, damn, she looked good to him. Did you stumble on that by accident, or did you hunt? Did you type in that in the search engine?

Interracial? What happened was I was looking for a particular porn star, Gianna Michaels, and then my keyboard got fucked up, so it was like G-R. And it said you know her grandmother. Yeah, and then it said granny, and I just went with it. You press G and you saw the things that popped up, and you're like, fuck Gianna. What is grandma about?

By interracial, was it like a Hawaiian elderly woman fucking like a Vietnamese man? No, it was a platinum blonde like old lady. She had curves. She looked good too. They met at a supermarket. How old do you think she was? If you had to guess. Throw out the true age.

Don't go back five or ten years like you're trying to do. I'm going to go 50, 55, 58. Oh, that's not. Oh, really? Jesus Christ. I'm like ten years from there. Stop. No, but she looked like a granny, though.

Captain Grandpa porn over here. Serial. She looked like she had granny panties and everything. She dressed like a grandma. Wow. So do you remember the storyline at all? Of course. Was he just like, hey, give me your purse?

No, it was like it was two dudes looking for grannies at a supermarket. What? They find the granny. You can't find grannies, but there's two girls that are 55. Yeah. They find her, surprisingly, take her back, and then the

plot line is that he's shy because he has a huge dick, and so... I get it. The director's telling her when you see his dick, pretend that it's not huge. And it's fucking hilarious. It's great. Dia gets that dick.

So is this like reality style based? Like I'm about to have sex with my first grandma for the first time. I'm pretty nervous. And there's like behind the scenes stuff or how is it like, or is it movie format? Like what, what is it?

It's just regular reality. It was like, it was like, uh, it was like, follow, yeah, follow.

What kind of camera was shot on? Uh, DLSR 40. Thank you, Kirk. The one you watched though, it was, uh,

it was, it was two black guys finding a granny? No, no, it was one black guy, and there was a white dude who was just off camera. So he was the cameraman, and he was narrating it. Red man's stupid, man. So he would just be narrating the porn, and then she would say something like... Did it arouse you? Of course, yeah,? Of course. Nice.

Wow. That is impressive. My mom's listening to this shit too. Well, Bradless, thank you so much for coming out tonight. Thank you, Kirk. I didn't hear your jokes, but I like your confidence.

There he goes, Bradless Filoset. He's on Twitter. I'm Bradless Comedy. B-R-A-D-L-Y-S. Just finding coke and watching granny porn. I mean... That's the life. That seems like...

Doing the white. Something we all should strive for. Doing the white and doing the white. Nice. Because it's like old pubes. Are you with me on that one? No? No? Oh, boy.

Now, Tony, will this podcast be here every week now? I like that. This is a good venue for a show. I mean, it just feels more open. We could really be ourselves here. This guy I pulled out of the bucket. No, first of all, no.

It's moving to Hollywood Bowl next week. I do like that monitor over there. That's cool. We're going to the Red Roof Inn next Thursday. No, I like it. Red Roof Inn. Hit the roof. This guy, it turns out, his storyline is that he was signing up for this show for years and didn't

get on for the first time until a couple weeks ago we absolutely fell in love with him I'm excited that he's here tonight put your hands together for Steve Lee everybody Fuck yeah Steve Lee ladies and gentlemen Put your hands together for Steve Lee, ladies and gentlemen. Let's get together for Steve Lee, everybody. Woo!

Do you know why China is the most populated country on Earth? Because all the condoms there are made in China. Talk about China. I'm from there. I came here, I came to this country when I was 17. I joined an exchange student program and learned about America. You know where they sent

me to? They dropped me off in Kansas. And you know what I learned about Kansas? That's where they make white people, okay? So in my high school, there were no minority kids. What does that mean? That means automatically, I was my high school Asian student union leader. I was also my high school black student union leader.

And for some reason, I was also on the Jewish student union. Because one time I explained to them what Hanukkah is about. I had like a fake Chinese accent back then. So I was like, okay. Hanukkah is when Jewish people celebrate Hanukkah in a Chinese restaurant. Fuck yeah, Steve Lee. Great job. Killing it.

I love your style, Steve. Thank you. You're a bad motherfucker. We had a lot of fun a couple weeks ago when we met on this show. You're a blast. I'm sorry? I've seen you do roast battle before and this show.

Yeah. Roast battle was fun right no dude i was terrified why um it was like a first comedy star thing for me so it was like shit there's like famous people here you know like you know i got a little star who was there that night? You. Oh. Wait, what? Who else, Steve? I was so nervous, I don't even remember. All you remember is me. That means I'm like the boring one.

Wow. Bobbed up his glasses, I'm sure. You don't remember I was there? I don't. Oh, I was there. Oh. I remember you. You wouldn't look at me.

You wouldn't acknowledge me. That's one of the reasons I'm here tonight. So, Steve, how's life been going, man? What's new with you? Anything happen in the last two weeks we don't know about? Remind me again. You have, what do we call that? Crutches?

Did you come down with a case of the crutches? Yeah. Well, I mean, basically I didn't use my crutch three years ago. Basically it's my knee problem right now. So that's why I'm using crutches. So your crutch is basically a crutch. Yeah. Interesting.

I mean, I'm basically a prop comic. So you... That's one of the reasons I didn't help you up. I sensed that you didn't need them. Yeah. Actually, you know what happened is when I used this too much, like for a week or two, my hand has too much pressure. It start hurting.

So sometimes, if it's like less than a block, I'll like just walk to the restaurant. Yeah. And sometimes, comics saw me, it's like, Steve, what the fuck?

Are you freaking it? It's like, yeah, I'm freaking it to get good parking. I mean like, that's my comeback, but it's like,

you know. How many people do you know that have like, handicapped stickers? Like, I've dated a few girls that actually have the handicap thing. They're like, it's free parking.

I'm like, wow. One out of three girls I date have that. Brian, those girls were handicapped. Terrible, terrible people. I actually know an uncle. He has cerebral palsy to get a fucking

handicap card. Is his name Josh Blue? Is that youry? Yeah. To get a fucking hand- Is his name Josh Blue? Is that your uncle? No. That's hilarious. I like it here. It's quiet. Usually the laughter is strong, but when I feel like I'm talking to myself,

that's when I'm at my best. I feel like I'm in a sauna. Yeah, but it's all right. It's nice. I like it like this. Sweating's nice. I like it like this. Sweating it out. I like it like this. Yeah.

I wish some of these people would leave. Yeah. Right? It's getting a little too good in here, guys, if you want to chill out a little bit. Steve, remind me again. How long have you been on stand-up? Six or seven years.

And what do you do for a living? Right now, I don't have a job, but I used to do video editing, graphic design for a tech company back in the Bay Area. I lived in the Bay Area for a long time. Did you quit on purpose? No, the company went down. Are you looking for work? No. You lived in Kansas, though?

I actually lived in Kansas for a year. Was it hard doing video editing upside down? Yikes. Jeremiah, you're from Kansas. Oh, really? Where? Overland Park, Olathe. I went to Shawnee Mission Northwest. Shawnee Mission Northwest.

Most of my friends went to South or West. Jeremiah, I'm pretty sure Steve Lee may have fucked your sister at some point. Yeah. Did you ever find a pair of crushes outside of her bedroom door? I found him rather

cerebral ballsy. Yeah. Even the podcast listeners can hear the 30 groans that just happened. I will take it, you sons of bitches. Yeah. All right. Oh, boy. Weird one.

I like your stuff. You got good stuff. Oh, thank you, man. You're very funny. You got a good attitude. You got a good face. No, I want to quit this shit every week. Don't do it.

Don't do it. What do you mean? What's stopping you from quitting? I don't have real jobs. So, I mean, I like it when I'm on stage. Usually I do well. But why do you want to stop? What about it don't you like?

Not getting booked. There will be a period. Do you want to do Death Squad next Friday at the Ice House in Pasadena, California? Yeah. Do it. There you go. He didn't answer. Do it. You're going to do it?

Wow, there you go. He was actually talking to me. I'm sorry. I was looking past you. I think the guy that was walking. He was actually talking to me. I'm sorry. I was looking past you. I think the guy that was walking. Yeah, I would love to. Yeah. Hell yeah.

10 o'clock. There you go. Doing the Ice House next Friday. Great job, babe. This could almost be an NBC show with that little teardrop of a fun storyline there that just happened. Great job, babe. Asian guy can't get stuck. You're funny.

Don't have doubt. Each week you shouldn't be thinking about quitting. line there that just happened. Great job, babe. Asian guy can't get a spot. Don't have doubt. Each week you shouldn't be thinking about quitting. You should think about writing another joke. Yeah, you're killing it. Don't do comedy hoping to get booked. Just do it because you love it. You don't need anyone to be out there. Even bad shows

are great. Or no shows. Yeah, they're even the best This is a great show Get the fuck out of here There you go We're going to keep flying through this bucket With people

That are going to do the show But seriously he's like one of the funniest people That we have on the show What's our hard out again? What did you say Josh? Josh left people that we have on the show. What's our hard out again? What did you say, Josh? Oh. Josh left. Unbelievable.

It is 1230? Okay, we got to have that. Yeah, we got to go really fast. Oh, shit. Steve Lee's still on the stage. I'm pulling a name out of the bucket. Steve, you are the absolute shit. I wish we had more time. Steve, I'm not sure that you needed my help. I think you just fucking played me.

There you go, Steve Lee, everybody. Give him a hand or two. Good job, Steve. No more doubt, god damn it. I love him. I met him because he drives the rickshaw Uber that I take. Oh, my God. The special one where it's handicapped people, and it's really funny.

No, he brought me here. I should have been nicer. We know this young lady, one of the funniest rising female stand-ups in the scene. We've seen her a few times. Put your hands together for Nicole Buchanan, everybody. Here she comes. Get it. When I was a little

girl, I thought I owned the moon because my grandpa told me that he bought it for me for my birthday, and that's why it followed me everywhere I went. I know, right? What a cheap old fuck. If you're looking for the perfect gift for a child this year,

lies cost nothing. I went out to eat the other day, and I was at this buffet-style place, and I overheard this girl and she was like I want to get another brownie but I don't want to look like a fatty I was like oh my god like you're not gonna look like a fatty because you grab another brownie you're gonna look like a fatty because you're not skinny if you're skinny and you're scarfing down three brownies no one's thinking oh my god what a They're thinking, I wish I was Asian.

I think I'm going to die early. Like, I'm pretty healthy, but I think I'm just going to die being a dumb bitch in Los Angeles. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm going to end up in the trunk of a car. Thank you. Fuck yeah, Nicole Buchanan. You had me at trunk of a car You had me a trunk of a car

That's hilarious Wait, there was two conversations going on You were singing in my ear Did you say something? I did, I killed I said something that was hilarious I said she had was hilarious. Yeah, he said something really funny. Really?

Well, I said she had me a trunk of car. Yeah. Right. You did. But, you know, when you say it again, each time it's going to get less funny. No, no, no. I like it. I like it.

I thought you were great. You're funny. You're a little nervous. Yeah. This is more nerve wracking than like if the whole room was full. I don't like this. Oh, yeah. It's weird.

It's always easier with bigger crowds, for sure, yeah. Yeah, definitely. And it's always harder in the middle of the night. But your jokes are good. You just got to take that breath and never worry about how many are out there. Yeah, I still get nervous. Where are you from? Huntington Beach.

Oh, yeah. It was very funny, and the funniest people will always be able to know what's going on. You know what I mean? That literally got one clap from the audience. She's like, I'm from Huntington Beach. I'll take care of it. It's nice to get one clap, because that way

we know there's one out there. Right. Yeah. What do you do for work? Do you have a job? I just graduated. I just had a second interview for a job today out there. Right. Yeah. What do you do for work? Do you have a job? I just graduated. I just had a second interview for a job today out here.

Oh, shit. Where was the interview at? How old are you? I'm 23. Yeah. It was for like a medical administrative assistant, like a boring...

It's a day job, so I can do stand-up at night. No. Yeah. Do you need like some kind of of background to be medical assistant? Administrative assistant? Oh, administrative. Yeah, it's just like I'll be doing billing and stuff.

Yeah. That's boring. That sounds fun. Do you still live at home? Yeah, right now I do. I want to move out here. And how's that? Do your parents like what you're doing?

Yeah, they're super supportive of it. My dad's like my biggest fan. He loves it. What's your dad do for work they're super supportive of it. My dad's like my biggest fan. He loves it. What's your dad do for work? I don't really know. Pro dad audience. It's the weirdest thing. Her dad gives her stars.

He's an independent distributor for Pepperidge Farms. So he's just like... Do you have a lot of cookies around your house? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your dad's basically a Keebler elf. Yeah, yeah. That's some stuff you could talk about. Your dad's in the cookie business.

Yeah. Yeah, you should talk about your family on stage. Do you ever talk about that? I do. Yeah, I have bits about my family. The first time I was on the show, I did one about my dad. That's good. Was it about Pepperidge Farm?

No, I mean, it was about how he's fat. Oh. Yeah. What? He's getting high on his was about how he's fat. Oh. Yeah. What? He's getting high on his own supply. Yeah, there you go. So do you guys always have cookies at your house? No, not really.

Not as much as you'd think. He doesn't bring work home with him? No. No. I picture it. I bring his work home with me. I picture it being like wherever that place is that Chris Hansen has all the guys come to. There's just like always a big bowl of cookies and like someone has lemonade and shit.

It's always cookies and lemonade, that combo. Pedophile delight, they call it. The pedophile value meal. Do you have a boyfriend? No. No. A boyfriend? No. No. You dating? Yeah, they're dating?

Not really. You got to date for the material. Do you really think that you're going to end up in a trunk? I mean, do you think you're that dumb? No, I mean, like, so that joke came from when I was out here. I was going to UCLA, and I didn't have my car out here, and I was taking the bus a lot and I got followed off the bus a couple times.

By the moon? Yeah. That's a great joke. Did the moon have a knife? Was it your dad or your grandpa you said did that? My grandpa. Your grandpa. Yeah, he used to tell me that he bought it for me for my birthday. That's hilarious. What ethnicity are you?

White, German, Irish. White, German, Irish. The mut hilarious. What ethnicity are you? White, German, Irish. White, German, Irish. The mutt. Gotcha. Alright. What's your favorite kind of porn? Just keep writing. My favorite kind of porn? I don't really watch porn. You don't watch porn. So what do you masturbate to? Trees?

My imagination. Women use their imagination more. Really? So what do you imagine? Like Harry Potter putting his little stick in you? Oh, my God. Brian, I don't know what's happening here. You put a face on that moon. I don't know if you have your finger on the pulse of society at all, Brian. Ryan Lochte.

Who? Oh, no. Not my type. What is your type? What's your type? Fat, bald guys with beards. You like your type? Fat, bald guys. With beards. You like mustaches?

I don't know. Most of the guys I date are tall. White. I'm tall and white. Jeremiah, what's your height? My trunk is full of golf clubs, so you're safe. I don't have room to kidnap and golf tomorrow. Would you ever date a black cop?

Would I ever date a black cop? Sure, why not? Because he's not really a cop. Would you ever... Cancels itself out? Is that what you're saying? Oh, my God. Are you saying a black cop cancels itself out? Can that what you're saying? Oh, my God. Are you saying a black cop cancels itself out?

Can we stop the stream of this show? Can we stop it and delete what went out already? Suicidal cop. Is that possible? Would you ever date a sound guy at the L.A. Pod Festival? Yes. Awesome. Awesome.

All right. So, Nicole, you are always funny It was great to have you on again Thanks for swinging by Great job Always funny She's funny You're funny, Nicole

Pulled another name out of the bucket We know this guy well Many appearances on the show Another very funny man Put your hands together for Dan Nolan. Dan Nolan! I just celebrated

18 months clean and sober. Sorry, Saturdays are still my cheat day. So it's not a big deal. I used to shoplift a lot for heroin money. My favorite thing to steal was Rosetta Stone language software. If you don't know what that is, it's

like $400 language learning software they got at Target. All you got to do is you just take it. And when you're walking out, if the alarm goes off, just be white. You just be a white guy. And you just turn around and go, what did I do? And they're like, oh, don't worry about it, buddy. I used to sell it on ebay and then they uh ebay actually shut my account down apparently you're not allowed to do that so i just start selling it on craigslist instead this is

true i literally had to start meeting dudes in sketchy parking lots just to sell them rosetta stone language software they'd be like you said it was gonna be italian man i'm like no come on baby i told you port, baby. Shit. Fuck you going to get Italian at 2 o'clock in the morning, baby. It's all the same shit. All right, thanks. Fuck yeah, Dan Nolan. That's hilarious.

So who would be buying Rosetta Stone mostly? It was just like a lady one time wanted it for her maid it was always like people were like business men they're like I'm going to Germany but I don't want to pay 400 bucks and you would tell them I would go just fucking meet dudes and they'd be like do you have Spanish or do you have English

I want it for my maid or like whatever they learn it for their maid whenever I've had a cleaning lady come over, I just point at things and follow her around everywhere. The apartment the entire time. I go, here. What would you sell them for?

What's a Rosetta Stone go for now? When I would sell them on eBay, I would sell them for $200 or $300 because they're $400. Once I had to go to Craigslist, I was just meeting dudes in parking lots, it'd be $100 cash. Wow. Anyone ever try to suck your dick for a Rosetta Stone? If not, you should

totally write about this. Come on, man. I really need to learn fucking Spanish. Most requested language? Spanish? Yes, Spanish. I never got Chinese. people always wanted chinese but there's two different kinds of chinese and so i just never i never bothered it's true so you were

using the money from this to buy heroin just lots of heroin like we would go into target and get like a dozen rows out of stones american heroin oh yeah well i mean it was probably from fucking afghanistan or something. This is amazing. American heroin. Yeah. I'd watch that TV show. I do this really racist thing that... Wait, what?

Besides what I call my dog. But I do this racist thing where if I find that you're Japanese and I'm friends with you and you're Japanese, I go, can I try something for five minutes? And I act like I'm talking Japanese. And I'll say it and they go, every 10 seconds they go, oh, you just said taco. Oh, you just said turtle.

And I say real words just based off how it sounds. That's awesome. What was that? That's awesome that you have friends that would let you do that no it's weird because do you think that maybe we all have

inside of us somewhere we can talk Chinese you've sold Rosetta Stones that you've stolen for heroin let me talk to you about linguistics Dan Nolan you think we can talk Chinese? Yeah.

I've used Rosetta Stone. It's like dope. Do you think we all have it inside of us? I often talk to junkies about semantics. Time out. Zach Morris here. This is the part of the podcast where we find out that Brian Redman is a sociopath.

Time in. I try things like that. Time out. You didn't already know that, Zach Morris? All right. Is there any Asian people here? I can show you. If there is an Asian person here.

Steve Lee was just on stage 10 minutes ago. Unfortunately, he fell down the stairs and died right after the show. Immediately afterwards. He's dead now. He really did need those minutes ago. Unfortunately, he fell down the stairs and died right after the show. Immediately afterwards. He's dead now. He really did need those crutches. Yeah. We have an open spot to give away for the Ice House next Friday. That's the good news.

So funny. Dan, so you're a recovering addict. We've talked to you. We've been on the show quite a few times. Anything happen recently that's fucking crazy? Anything interesting in all life? I don't know. I just got my last

warrant vacated, so I'm not wanted anymore. Wow. What do you crave more? Heroin or shoplifting? Oh, shoplifting was like fun. It was like a double high.

Do you still think about that? Yeah, no, I don't want to do, I did when I first moved here. I was broke. I have a nice job and stuff now, but I still used to steal my lunch from fucking Albertsons

or whatever when I first came out. That's how Robert Durst got caught. I got one for you. What do you crave more? Heroin or attention? Obviously attention because that's the thing I'm still going for. Okay, thank God. Do you ever have flashbacks? Yeah. Every time I was

taking a shit here and it's a nice hotel bathroom, I was like, I wish I still shot heroin. This is such a nice bathroom. Wow. We all have different flashback Fridays. Some of them are different. So you used to shoot up in nice hotel bathrooms and stuff?

Yeah, stuff like that. Most of the junkies would go to McDonald's or whatever, but I would go to Chipotle because they had a bathroom with a code thing, and it was private. Yeah. So wait a second. How long would it take you for this whole process to shoot up heroin in a Chipotle? Because I'd imagine there's like 30 people shitting their pants outside

of all the places to pick, and Chipotle is like the explosive diarrhea north pole you know this specific chipotle was like it was in the hood it was like in a part of newark new jersey that was like a tall shit wait so on top of it being a chipotle it's in the middle of newark new jersey oh my god that's explosive diarrhea yeah now if i didn't have money i used to have to go to shoot up in Newark Penn Station. We'll put something in after editing. I'd have to be high to go to Chipotle.

Really? I sort of like it. It's creepy as it is. Depends on what you get, I guess. What is that? What are you talking about? They're going out of the space. I thought that lady was doing it. That's a flashback.

That's a flashback. That's what we call a flashback. You're not like 100% back, right? What? You're not 100% back. When you go to GameStop, once in a while, colors confuse you. You look at lights and reflections different. Actually, GameStop is where I used to get heroin money

because they buy used games from me. What is going on? Oh, my God. Brian. Brian. Only you are hearing this right now. Continue with your story. How did you get off heroin?

I went to rehab, finally. Good for you. Congratulations. I got really sick. Last time I did heroin, I was in the hospital. Why? That was Chipotle. Why?

Why were you sick? From asthma. I used to snort it before I started shooting it. And I would snort like... I worked in television, so I made a lot of money. So I would snort like fucking two grams of heroin a day, which is like a lot. And it really fucked my lungs up.

Do you remember the first time you did it? No, I don't remember the first time I did heroin. Really? Yeah, it was weird. I just kind of found it and was like, yeah, that's what I'm doing. And then that was it? Yeah, it just became a part of my life very quickly. I just kind of found it and was like, yeah, that's what I'm doing. And then that was it. Yeah, it just became a part of my life very quickly.

I used to drink a lot, and then I would start taking painkillers because I was working. I used to do manual labor in the mornings. I'd be hungover. Do you have your name on your shirt because you have forgotten who you are? Yeah.

No, this is actually, I bought this at a vintage store. I wear a lot of shirts like this, but they don't all say my name. They all say our name. You found a Dan shirt? Yeah. No, this is actually, I bought this at a vintage store. I wear a lot of shirts like this, but they don't all say my name. They all say our name. You found a Dan shirt? Yeah. That's pretty dope.

You found that at a thrift store? Are you smoking? Dan, we love you. We got to keep flying through everybody. Dan Nolan's at Twitter, Dan Nolan Comedy. Great job, Dan. Thanks. See him lots of places.

He's on Kill Tony a lot. This guy's a grinder. I've seen him a lot of Mondays. I know him lots of places. He's on Kill Tony a lot. This guy's a grinder. I've seen him a lot of Mondays. I know him quite well. Keep it up, Dan. Not as well as the toilet of a Chipotle. Put your hands together for one of our favorite rising comedians. She's dicey, everybody.

Here it is. Dicey. Dicey. She's here. She's here. I wouldn't blame her if she left. But she's here. I wouldn't have blamed any of you guys.

Are they only guest comedians? Here? Yeah. Nice. I like that. That's the way it should be. Dicey, everybody. Here she is.

Thank you. My racist white friend, she said, Dicey, I have a confession to make. I think Mexicans are dirty. And I was like, bitch, clearly you've never hugged one before. They all smell like Fabuloso and Fabric Softener. All Mexicans. They all do.

I like the Mexicans. They all do. I like the Mexicans on those Everest College commercials. I call it Neverest College because really, what are you going to do with a degree from Everest? But they'd be like, you could do it. If you're sitting there looking all lazy, you're whack fool. You could do it.

I did it and you could do it too. In nine short months, I could have had a baby, but I have a degree. The faculty, they're all so cool. They all drive Acuras and stuff and that's going to be me one day. I can finally afford to take my family to the buffet over there. You could do it. Sorry, my

Mexican in my throat. My Mexican ain't. Dicey. You are hilarious. Put your hands together for Dicey, everybody. Dicey. We're loving it.

We are loving it. Dicey, that's hilarious. You do a funny Mexican impression and I have seen that Everest College commercial. Yeah. Well, I was just trying

not to talk about white people tonight. That's usually my specialty. You have a real natural hate right now for white people. Yeah. It's organic. Why is that? Well, they just keep killing us. You know, the white police. All of us

keep killing you? No, not all of you, but some of you don't speak out about it. Like, I got unfriended by a lot of my class this week, my high school senior class, because they post pictures of ponies and their kids and shit, but they haven't

said anything about people getting killed. I have a friend that's white that got shot by a black guy and I don't hate all black guys. I didn't say I hated anybody. Oh, I thought you just said you hate all whites. No, I didn't. You just sort of don't hate all black guys. I didn't say I hated anybody. Oh, I thought you just said you hate all whites. No, I didn't. You just sort of don't like them right now. No, yeah, and not all whites.

Not fat Jews like me. Definitely not fat Jews. But all cops? Cops. I hate cops, and I hate the system. Wait, you hate cops? The systematic racism. I do hate cops.

Really? 100% you hate hate cops. The systematic racism. I do hate cops. Really? 100% you hate all cops. So you judge a couple people's actions on the whole people that are protecting us. No, but it's like they're not held accountable. They're not held accountable for the things that they do. I kneeled down today. You did what? During the...

God, you are so terrible tonight. I don't know what kind of podcast festival cocaine you did tonight, but you are on one, my friend. Whatever drink you just gave me. Oh, yeah. Somebody roofied you. That's what happened. That's what it is. Fuck yeah. Dicey.

Yeah, the problem with that... You kneeled down, Tony? The problem with the situation is that you want to... Like, cops... Like, every day, there's these horrible stories that come out every day, and you want to hate all the cops. Well, you just want to say, like,

fuck the police for doing this, but then it's looping everybody in together. And then it's like... But a lot of them know. But they... And they need to go to jail for conspiracy. Like I would if I knew that somebody killed somebody else. Absolutely.

And didn't say anything about it. I would go to jail for conspiracy if I knew that. And they know what's going on and they don't say anything. Yeah. That's my problem. It's definitely not what all white... Look, if it wasn't for some white man raping my great-great-grandmother,

I wouldn't be here today enjoying this yellow privilege. I love white people. Can I say one thing? I love them. Can I say one thing that'll change your life? What? The passion you have for this shit, give that to

your jokes. Okay. Because right now, you're twinkling and you believe in something and the jokes, you didn't give it what I see here. So hate your jokes

as much as you hate the police. I love that. It really is true. Like, I mean, you're funny as fuck. You're a killer. But now you're like... Like, I mean, you're funny as fuck. You're a killer. But now you're like in this.

Yeah, I am. I'm just, I'm a little fired up. I, you know, I can't really think about a lot of other things right now. Get fired up about your jokes. It takes time to sink those two things, you know, passion and hate. Have you done any protests? You know what? No, I haven't.

I haven't because I'm scared. I'm scared. Yeah, don't do the protests. Yeah. Like come to my house. I'll dress up as a cop and I can tickle you or something like that. I like that. I would like that.

I would like that. Damn. Dicey's into this. Yeah, I'd tickle her. Look at her. She's hot as fuck. You have a very good future in comedy because you're funny, smart, and attractive. So I really enjoyed your set tonight.

Time out. And you can do voices. Zach Morris here. Yeah, that's impressive. Yes, Zach. This is part of the night where Red Band starts to get a little too creepy. As long as there's no cops in the audience,

I think you're going to be just fine. It's 12.15 in the morning. I think there was a moment where all five of us were talking there all at once for a second. I appreciate y'all for having my back out there, audience. Y'all are a great audience. Y'all have my back. I appreciate that.

No one respected my freeze. Yeah. I'm loving this. Dicey, I like your style. You did it again. Thank you. Love your passion. There she is.

Dicey, everybody. She's on Twitter at Dicey Comedy. Dicey Comedy. Drive home safe. There's a lot of cops out there. We got to keep flying through it. I'll drive you Twitter at Dicey Comedy. Dicey Comedy. Drive home safe. There's a lot of cops out there. We gotta keep flying through it. I'll drive you home, Dicey. Here's a wild one. We met this

guy for the very first... Tony, have you ever had problems with the police? Have you ever had any problems with the police? You know, the police and I... They hate me., they hate me. They hate me. They really hate me. I'm one of those guys.

I was once hanging out with my buddy, Matt Edgar. We were at a Whataburger in Texas, and we were doing a tour with our friend Steve Trevino. This was many years ago. And we were opening up for him, and we were at a Whataburger in Texas, and the cop told us that me and Matt had to leave. And our old friend, you know, the headliner of the weekend Steve Trevino who's from Texas and was

excited for us to have our first Whataburger said to us uh or said to the cop he goes why are you kicking these two guys out and he wouldn't tell us and blah blah blah Steve ended up getting in some trouble this and that but we left and the next day we found out that uh that Steve was friends with the head of the chief of police. And he put him on the phone. And basically the chief of police was on speakerphone with me and Matt in the car with Steve Trevino of that little Texas city that we were in. And he goes, Steve, I don't know what kind of people you're hanging out with, but that cop told me that you were hanging out with a couple of faggots at a Whataburger. We had to get them out

of here. Steve, our guys are just trying to keep everything on the straight and narrow. We are in the car, and I'm not kidding. Me and my good friend Matt Edgar almost died of laughter. I felt

like a stroke. I felt this, whatever that carotid artery or whatever in your fucking neck, I felt mine just pulse. But they didn't kill you, so there's good cops. Yeah, it's true. They just thought we were, quote, a couple of faggots. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This is an interesting one.

We met this guy a week ago. His delivery was slow. He has an interesting style to him, so we invited him back. Put your hands together for Andrew Clements, everybody. Here he is. I hear Tiger Woods is coming back. Plus, he's a hell of a drug.

Talk about a handicap. I mean, everywhere the guy goes, his presence is announced like, beware the sexually frustrated beast. If I was him, I would just stay back and open up like a business line of sex products. It wouldn't be a hard transition, you know. It's extents to improve your long game, condoms to keep you away from the water, sand traps, shaft implants for more control over your club head.

You know, I mean, nobody knew why his name was Tiger when he came out. Now we know. I mean, I don't see how he does an interview with a straight face. He might as well just walk up to the microphone and go, it'd be fitting. But I can understand his addiction. Pussy is a hell of a drug, especially when you grow up fucking country club pussy. That's the good shit.

It's easy to get addicted to. Once you've had the best, you don't want the rest. There you go. Okay, Andrew, that's your time. He did it, Andrew Clements. I like your style.

You are both bad and good at the same time. It's almost mind-boggling. There's something so terrible yet something intriguing at the same time. Yeah, I know. I mean, I just... same time. Yeah, I know. I mean, I... Yeah.

That's me. Tony. I guess so. You're kind of a curiosity for me. I feel like you're like a real estate agent somewhere, and then this is like what you do in the evenings. Is that like a thing, or what do you do for work? You're way off. I mean, I'd like to be a real estate agent. I feel like you're a drug dealer during the evenings. Is that a thing, or what do you do for work? You're way off.

I'd like to be a real estate agent. I feel like you're a drug dealer during the day. Am I right? No. Look at that big smile. What do you do for a job? I'm an Uber driver. Drug dealer.

Nailed it. All right. No, I do that from time to time. What else do you do? I've been a mystery shopper. I've sold AstroTurf in malls. What the fuck? AstroT a mystery shopper. I've sold AstroTurf in malls. What the fuck? AstroTurf in malls?

Who's buying AstroTurf in malls? That's what I said, but they were paying me, so I sold it. How much AstroTurf did you sell? I own a golf course.

How much AstroTurf did you smoke? That was a good one. Now, I sold actually a lot of AstroTurf. I really did. A lot of AstroTurf. So most did. A lot of AstroTurf. So most of your money is from AstroTurf sales in the mall.

Yeah, you do get residuals from it. What? Sounds like a commercial. Every person I sold to, I got a percentage of, it was home improvement stuff to improve the, yeah. Your consumption of energy, you know, watering grass, storing water. I don't want to go into this. Andrew, what do you think the smartest thing you've ever done is?

Well, one time I let somebody pay me to drop me on my head repeatedly. Is your name Andrew? That was a pretty good investment. Is your name Andrew? One last thing. That is. That's Andrew. One last thing. When we met you last week, one thing that really

stood out to me, because we had to move on, much like we have to move on now, but at the end of your set last week, I sent you on your way after you said it. You mentioned that you don't get brain freeze. Yeah, I don't get brain freeze yeah i don't oh jesus so have you ever really tested this all the way like what's the most icy or cold drink is it because it's just frozen always i mean no i'm not always frozen at all lightly thawed lightly no no i i

thought what you were thinking i think maybe i've just never drank anything cold and fast enough for my brain to freeze, but then I used to drink 44 ounce full throttles from these slurpee machines back in Louisiana, and I would suck them down in like two minutes, and people were like, holy fucking shit,

dude. You don't get brain freeze. I've never got it. There he goes. Andrew Clements, everybody. Live from the LA Podcast Festival. ClementsAndrew.com. I think that's what he needs to talk about. Dude, I could listen to that guy's voice.

I got to tell you, I was speechless just watching you, but I like you. But I think that's the shit you need to be talking about. Yeah. If I were you, I wouldn't try and the shit you need to be talking about. Yeah. Real shit on you. If I were you, I wouldn't try and tell jokes because you're not ready for those. Let's do some quickies. But just talking about who you are and what you've been through and just your hopes and dreams. What?

No, no, no. Get out of here. Get the fuck out of here. Get out of here. No, but I like the fact that you... All right, so we need to go. We have to move on. We got five minutes. No, but I like the fact that... We have to move on. We've got five minutes. Good, but I like the fact that you came back. That told me a lot about you.

I'll talk to you after. I might want to manage you. For your next comedian, Matthew Maloney, everybody. Thank you. Let me pitch you a commercial. Post-apocalyptic city. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this.

We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this.

We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this.

We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this. for a vicious battle. They finally meet in the city square where, standing between them, is a lone middle-aged black guy wearing tattered rags, dirty clumps in his hair, and he's blind in one eye, obviously. He addresses the armies, Brothers! Obviously.

He dresses the army's brothers! Go back to the caves from which you've crawled. There will be no bloodshed on this night. For tonight we are

all eating good in the neighborhood. Applebees. Hashtag before it's too late. There you go. Exactly a minute. Matthew Maloney coming in,

killing it. We love Matthew. Guys, we're going super quick on this one. Fire off something for Matthew. I'll just say I'd never been to Comic-Con. I feel like I was. It's funny. Good. I'll just say I'd never been to Comic-Con. I feel like I was. It's funny. Good. I'll give you a 10.

I love you. I think you're great. I think we could share clothes. You're like a relative I didn't know, and I love what you're doing up there. I think it's really funny. The voice was ridiculous and hilarious, and I thought it was great.

I love you. Yeah, you're the best. If you ever have any hand-me-downs for Glickman, that's what he wants. I'll wear that for sure. Matthew, we are running out of time. We love you. You're amazing. There he goes. Matthew Maloney. Matthew E. Maloney on Twitter. Another new minute from Matthew Maloney.

Follow him on Twitter. Matthew E. Maloney. And Andrew Clements at Article M87. That's Andrew Clements' name. We're flying through it, guys. This is a special, super-duper fun episode all the way through, beginning to end. Energy, teamwork, connection, chemistry, everything. I mean, everybody was on their game tonight. So great.

We have two regulars on the show. They do a brand-new minute every single week. They have to do an extra minute this week, so here you go. Here's one. Put your hands together for vanessa johnston everybody hey what's up i never know how to start this you know like because a lot of comics they start their set by going oh there's a lot of good-looking people here. But you can't say that in Los Angeles, because when you say there's a lot of good-looking people here, everyone in the crowd is like, we know.

Doesn't work. Is anyone here from New York? I'm tired of meeting those people, man. Whenever you meet someone from New York, they always act like you're supposed to be impressed. As if they're rare. There's 13 million of you. You're not rare. You're like the Papa John's of people.

I'm more impressed if I meet someone from Str like, Struggle Bus, Arkansas, you know, where the population is 50 and 49 of them are cows. You're like, you're the guy from Struggle Bus. Like, oh, my God, so nice to meet you. Why do you smell like pine-flavored cheese? Boom. Another new minute from Vanessa Johnson. Guys, quick round.

Thoughts on Vanessa Johnson. You're absolutely hilarious, and I adore you. Can I give you one idea? Yes. When you do that first joke when you said, I would love to say that. How did you start? The crowd?

Yeah. Say that joke again. Oh, hey, what's up? I never know how to start this. A lot of comics say there's a lot of good-looking people here in the crowd. But there isn't.

Just say it. If you just insult just shit on everybody. Yeah, you can bail out and switch it. Yeah, because these aren't good-looking people. Right.

These are podcast fans. Come on. Are you kidding me? They're so ugly we can only hear them. Let's do that. Anything for Vanessa, Kurt? Funny, smart. Let's do it. You're going to be a star. We did it again. Vanessa Johnson, we can only hear them. Let's do that. Anything for Vanessa, Kurt? Funny, smart, you're going to be a star.

We did it again. Vanessa Johnson, everybody. There she goes. You're one other regular. She's great. We love her. Just turned 21. Put your hands together for Allie Makowski, everybody. Here she is. Thank you. I recently found out that I suffer from mental chillness. Mentally chill, self-diagnosed.

Turns out there's a long line of mental chillness that runs in my family. My mom's mentally chill. My uncle, he actually, he killed himself. He just chilled himself to death. All he left behind was a note that said, whatever. I babysit these two little girls. They're super cute. One of them is actually like clinically depressed and it's really sad to see someone so young be miserable already. This little girl wrote a song and the lyrics were, every day I get bullied, this always happens to me just over and over again

and I was like you suck at song writing too thank you Ally Minkowski another new minute boom bang boom how disappointed what did you think what did you think tonight was going to be like

when oh this is exactly what I thought like audience wise like turnout and everything? Yeah, yeah. Well, just because I feel like at the Comedy Store, it's such a thing there that it can be kind of difficult. We have a hard out. They gave us a hard out at 12.30.

They gave us a super hard out. Do you guys know that? Yeah. Ryan J. E. Belt artwork, Ryan J. E. Belt. It's all available at ryan j e belt artwork ryan j about that's all available ryan j e belt.com that's amazing what's that on the left oh that's sweet that's the stage that's the twin towers on the left all the prints are available ryan j e belt.com kill tony poster there you can do anything he's amazing amazing. Great job, buddy. We love Ryan J. E. Belt. Buy the prints. Don't be a goofball.

Allie Makovsky, we love you. There she goes. Another new minute from Allie Makovsky. Great job. Sorry to everybody that went up close to the end. We ran out of time. We have a hard out because we're at a hotel right now. Yeah, because it's like TV.

We're at a hotel in Beverly Hills. We have rules because we do podcasts and we have to. What? Well. Podcast rules. Kirk Fox, I cannot thank you guys enough for coming and guesting on this show. It was good to be here, man.

A lot of people weren't, so it's good. Kirk Fox is on Twitter, Kirk Fox. We love everything he does, fun stuff. Glickman Storks is coming out. Storks is out right now in theaters nationwide. It's out? Go to your movie theaters, go watch it. I'm going to go see it tomorrow. I'm going to go see the new Storks is out right now in theaters nationwide. Go to your movie theaters. Go watch it. I'm going to go see it tomorrow. I'm going to go see the new

Storks movie. Brian Redband, let's go see it right now. Tony Hinchcliffe, thank you. Good night. Jeremiah Walkins. Jeremiah's stand-up on social media. Joel Jimenez. I'm mostly sorry. Amazing. Josh Martin. Jamie Vernon. Everybody. Comedians, thank you so much for coming out.

Audience members that did come here for this, I mean, wow. You made fucking history. You'll always be able to say you were one of those seven people. Yeah. So, wow. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Good night. Outro Music