KILL TONY - KILL TONY #177

Episode Date: October 28, 2016

Mike Lawrence, Willie Hunter, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Jeremiah Watkins, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Ali Macofsky, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 09/26/2016 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that...

That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This is Kill Tony. Don't forget, Kill Tony is recorded every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store in the Belly Room.

Every Tuesday, we have Roast Battle, which is the verbal violence podcast here at Death Squad. Every first and third Friday we are at the Ice House for the Ice House Secret Show. This Monday, October 31st, Kill Tony returns after its two-week vacation. We're doing a Halloween party. That's right. This Monday is October 31st. So it's costume required. It's in the main room. It's going to be a huge Halloween party. Reserve your tickets now. You always go to DeathSquad.TV and click on tour dates. Also, me and Tony are going to Houston for the Come and Take It Festival. That's November 18th through the 20th. You can get your tickets at comeandtakeitcomedy.com.

And last but not least, the Death Squad secret show in the main room is happening November 2nd. That's Wednesday. It's going to be a huge show. The secret guest that I have planned for this, I wish I could tell you who it is. It's huge, though. It's Wreck be a huge show. The secret guest that I have planned for this, I wish I could tell you who it is. It's huge, though.

It's Wreck-It Ralph huge. She's hilarious. So get your tickets now. That's November 2nd at the Comedy Store. Tickets are on sale right now. Go to shopsquad.tv for all the official Death Squad merchandise. And don't forget to subscribe to kill Tony on iTunes. Search the iTunes store for kill Tony, hit subscribe and rate and review the show.

Or you can subscribe to the death squad podcast, which includes everything like verbal violence, bedtime stories, kill Tony, all this stuff. And last but not least, don't forget to go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. He is in Australia right now. He's been killing it in Australia from what I've heard. But he has a bunch of new dates. You can go to his website. He's got some merch there. TonyHinchcliffe.com.

All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Greg Benning. Coming to you live from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, volume four. Here's Tony Henscliff. Hi, everybody. Hi, welcome. How are you guys?

Hello. Happy Monday to you. Welcome to the number one live comedy podcast in the world, Kill Tony. Hey, it's Brian Redban, everybody. Come on. Hi, guys. How are you doing? Look who it is. Master of sound effects and other crazy shit. Poop. Butts.

Ryan J. E. Belt House artist is here. He has a blank sheet of paper in front of him and he's going to draw tonight's episode for you. All of his prints are available at ryanjebelt.com including the Kill Tony poster, everybody. Hanging for the first time tonight. Just hanging out. It's also on my living room wall so you can be a badass like

me and get the official Kill Tony poster. Get it framed like a goddamn adult. Put it on your wall. Jamie Vernon's back there on the HD camera. Young Jamie. Young Jamie. Got a cool new T-shirt out. Lainey and Jerry are here, house Muppets.

Ever since the show started three and a half years ago, they've been fucking coming. My mom, my dad, they're never here. Lainey and Jerry, always here. They never get enough credit. Fang Chao watching us tonight, keeping us safe. Kill Tony legend, Fang Chao. All right, so let's just get into it, shall we?

Let's get that band up. Oh, shit, I'm in Australia the end of October, and Boston, October 8th at the Wilbur Theater. Now that I got that out of the way, let's start the show, shall we? Bring up the band, what do you think? Sure, let's do it. I'm always excited. The band, I never know what they're going to do. It's always

a different thing that they throw together in between time of being out and in. And here we are, this week's version, my favorite band in the world, the Kill Tony Band. It's Regan and Watkins and Joel Jimenez. Oh, shit. I think I know what's going on here.

Oh, my goodness. Aha! Yes! Oh! It is Trump and Hillary. And Joel Jimenez appears to be the wall. Yeah. That is incredible.

Trump, you really did get a Mexican to build the wall. That's very impressive. Oh, there's Josh Martin out of nowhere. Guess who's opening up for me at the Wilbur Theater October 8th in Boston? It's Josh Martin, everybody. Oh, nice. Reagan and Watkins. So should I say, I believe this is our second appearance ever

of the great Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton put your hands together for one of the future presidents of the United States of America Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton in the wall you know what Tony you know what Tony you know I heard

LA Podfest was underwhelming. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. So, me, Donald Trump, ready to make Kill Tony great again. Wow. Wow. What is Hillary? Hillary, what do you have to say about all this?

Thank you. I just have one thing to say. Oh, spot on Hillary, by the way. I think that Donald Trump promotes xenophobia. Why does Donald Trump have so much fear of Xena Warrior Princess? Oh, my God. I totally. I want to know.

I swear to God I knew somehow the second you said xenophobia that it was going to be a Xena warrior princess joke. Tony, I knew she was a bad politician. I didn't know she was a bad comedian. Wow. You know it's the real Trump and Hillary when he's taking shots. Let me ask you guys this. You guys had a big debate tonight. How did you guys feel about it? I owned it. Hillary?

I kicked his ass. Wow. Oh, very good. Let me ask you guys a debate question, if you don't mind. I know this is improvised right now. I swept the floor with his bare, sweaty ass. All right, Hillary. I mean, I'm going to have to cut you off.

Go ahead. Donald, do you want to rebuttal there? Hillary really just showing her true colors here. Not fit to run for president even. What has she been doing with ISIS? I mean, she's been going after it a long time. I'm going to deliver the results. How are you going to do that?

I'm going to kill all of them. Donald Trump with a rim shot afterwards might be the perfect candidate for president. Let me ask you guys one debate question, and Donald, you can answer first. Donald, what is your favorite part of the Kill Tony podcast? What is your favorite part of the Kill Tony podcast? And let me ask you more specifically How do you feel about the band Reagan & Watkins? The band I'm not that big of a fan of myself But I am a fan of Vanessa Johnston

She reminds me of Ivanka And if she wasn't my daughter, I would date her. Hillary, what's your response to that? I wasn't listening to what he said. You guys ready to start the fucking show or what? Here we go. It's happening right now. Tonight's guest, as always, I always deliver, two of the funniest human beings in the world.

Here we go again. Put your hands together for the great Mike Lawrence and Willie Hunter. Roast Battle champion. Comedy Central roast writer. Member of the wave of Roast Battle. Creator of the Carmichael show. So many great credits amongst them. One of my favorites being that they're two of my funniest pals.

Now, I'm not usually a fan of black people, but I love Willie Hunter. Whoa, Jesus. You're really on it tonight, Brian. Mike, if you want to scoot down a little bit, you guys can scoot down. Willie's wearing shorts. I feel like we're really invading whoever gets pulled up here out of the buckets. Your balls are basically halfway out, Willie. You want to get behind the table a little bit?

Scoot down, Mike. I just love that Reagan as Hillary just looks like Rod Stewart. Just normal Rod Stewart. Yeah. Think I got something to say to you. Do a much better Rod Stewart than a Hillary Clinton, I'll tell you that That's what I've been telling America all along That Hillary should run for Rod Stewart? Absolutely, not president

When you see Hillary like that, you're like, now I know why Bill cheated on her It still hurts Donald, you never say much about the whole Bill Clinton thing why Bill cheated on her. It still hurts. Donald, you never say much about the whole Bill Clinton thing. You're not on the record or anything. Say whatever you want. Let it rip here once on a live podcast. I appreciate a man in power who can get a beach

in his office. That's all I have to say about that. I would just love like in character He just beats the shit out of a Mexican audience member Halfway through the show Get ready for the second act I'm glad Trump and Hillary are here How are you guys doing?

Willie, Mike, life good? Life excited? Is the drummer dressed as Gary Johnson? He's the wall You fucking idiots That dressed as Gary Johnson? He's the wall. You fucking idiots. That was a good fucking joke. He's the wall. They just couldn't see him.

They couldn't see him. That was it. Can my mic get turned up a little bit? I don't want to yell. Uh-oh. Trump's controlling the sound. He is, yeah. There you go.

Thank you. That's a lot better. I love it. So you guys have done this show before. You know what you're in for. Audience, you guys know what you're in for? I don't know. Maybe you do. Maybe you don't. You know what you're in for. Audience, you guys know what you're in for? I don't know. Maybe you do.

Maybe you don't. If you don't, let me put it to you this way. About 40 or 50 comedians signed up before the show on a bunch of little pieces of paper. Some are not comedians. Some are just completely insane people. Or as I like to call them, Hillary supporters. Some of them are really funny comedians that come from all different places. Comedians, you guys know how it works.

You get 60 seconds. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, come on, kitty. You could be a little bit louder than that. That's so retarded. Wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Alright.

What? Was that someone just starting a lawnmower? What the fuck was that? Sounded like a... That was a bear right there. So are you guys ready to start the show or what? You guys ready to do this shit? Mike Lawrence, Willie Hunter,

Donald Trump, and Hillary Clinton. And the wall. Don't forget about the wall. Very important. Alright. The non-comm And the wall. Don't forget about the wall. Very important. Alright. The non-committal wall. I like the sound of this. How about Antonio Penate?

El Tocho. El Tocho! Is that who I think it is? Where's Josh at? You know what? Tony, unfortunately, I regret to announce that I deported El Tocho right from the show. It's my boy Jeremiah Walken. Boom.

I want to see if piñate was filled with candy. Anybody have eyes on Josh Martin? Yeah, can you go get him? That'd be great. So let me tell you guys something cool. This is awesome. It's the El Tocho that I thought it was. And that is he works the actual friars here at the Comedy Store,

like the actual sliders. The only friars club he'll ever be a part of. He really doesn't speak good English at all, and he dabbles in stand-up. But I am really excited to see what he's going to do here tonight because he always has a lot of energy. He's a positive guy. He's worked here for a few years.

Everybody loves him. But his English has gotten better over the years. It has? Here he is, El Tocho, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit. Hey. I don't know what's going on right here, but it's my first time.

Okay, I want to ask one fucking joke really fast. Okay. No, silly man. Fuck. My fucking wife, she's lesbian. Yeah. Yeah, guys. wife she's lesbian yeah yeah she bring her this morning two different girl one black and one Chinese type pussy and black big ass. That's it, guys. Antonio Panate, El Tocho.

El Tocho. When the only words they say are like lesbian pussy and ass, you know they learned to speak English from Pornhub. That wasn't even as much a joke as it was. Just something seems to have happened to you today. I think he said a total of eight words. Yeah. The only thing greasier than the food you make is your hair.

Really fast, because, you know, I have tortilla and dhabi. I totally know what you just said. El Tocho, you're working right now. tortilla and the oven. I totally know what you just said. I told you. El Tocho, you're working right now. This is the first time you've ever been on this show. You've been working here for years. We've been doing this show for years. What made you sign up tonight?

It's because I want to do it. I'm feeling like, what the fuck is going on with this show? Let me try. Yeah, because right now I get out from the original room. Yeah, I do my three minutes right there. You do three minutes

every Monday. No, three minutes. He does material specifically about trees. Wow, even for me, that was a little blow, Michael Lawrence. So you were working, wait a second, Altocha, you were working when you got pulled out of this bucket. Somebody ran down and grabbed you. I'll touch. I'll touch it.

You're on in the belly room. See it to run up. Is there food cooking right now in the kitchen? Exactly. Is there really? Yeah. Oh, shit. All right, guys.

What did we learn tonight? I love it. I'm going to get a report from management later. Tony, your alcohol sales in that show tonight were really good, but we didn't sell a single slider. Can you explain that? Fully cooked burgers and half-baked premises. My wife, lesbian.

I mean, even you looked like you got electrocuted when you heard the room laugh at that. You were so shocked. My wife, lesbian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They like me. I'm excited because, you know, it's my first time in this show. Right.

And when somebody come, I want to say, she come and she told me, hey, torture. Wow. Really fast. All right. I leave the fucking tortilla in the oven. I don't know. There's a tortilla in the oven right now.

All right. You know, every time he talks, the kitchen fire is getting larger and larger. I've never had a guy bomb and light the stage on fire at the same time. But the kitchen is literally directly underneath us right now. We will be the first to know. He's underneath us right now. We will be the first to know. I don't know.

He want to be my last date right here. I don't know. This is the first time he's done comedy and he hasn't worn a bumblebee suit. He didn't even take off the glove. That's how he ran up here with a glove on. He's like the Michael Jackson of something. I always have one glove in my pocket because, you know, sometimes I don't have a condom, bro.

Oh. Oh. That was his first joke. Wait, you think you can give sexual transmitted diseases through your hands? Yeah, you put the glove over your dick, right? Is that what you're saying?

Absolutely. You don't want over your dick, right? Is that what you're saying? Absolutely. It's pretty economic. You don't want to take HIV, huh? Do you always pick the same finger? Do you just start at the left and go to the right? You have five condoms. You pick the index finger one. All right, El Tocho.

El Tocho giving act outs for this podcast. El Tocho giving act outs for this podcast. El Tocho, what's the craziest thing that you've ever had happen to you sexually? I mean, if that happened today, what's the craziest thing that you and a woman have ever done in bed? Actually, always. We have almost a year together. We have almost a year together. And she bring like Saturday, Sunday. I have no idea what the fuck you're saying.

You still get to stay in America. Congratulations. Donald, what do you think about this guy? You know, he's a funny guy. I think he has a bright future, just not on this side of the wall. El Tocho, go get that tortilla off the oven. We're going to hustle you out of here. Anything else for El Tocho, guys?

He's killing it. Get out of here. Go stop the kitchen fire. El Tocho making a surprise appearance. That's fucking crazy. I give that a C-. All right. You know what?

It's fine. Yeah. If I did that joke in broken English, you would have thought it was brilliant. Wow. Speaking of broken English, the bucket always seems to have a little rhythm to it. This is what we would call a Kill Tony legend. We love him here. He always does a new 60 seconds.

Put your hands together for the great Tam Pham, everybody. Here he is. Hey. I'm socially retarded, so there's something I should probably get out of the way. I do not pay for sex, which means that I do not have sex. I would say that I rarely date,

but even that would be an understatement. That's like saying Magic Johnson rarely donates blood. My brother is much more interested in being liked by people. He's all into trends and stuff. If he was white, I would call him a wigger, but people don't call Asians wiggers, so I call him Filipino. That's all I have. Thanks.

Tam Tam, 41 seconds. That's all I have. Thanks. Tam-tam. 41 seconds. Leave it to an Asian to come in short. Are the immigrants really afraid of Donald, and that's why they're only doing, like, 30 seconds? I'm an intimidating force.

What can I say? Now, what's interesting about you, there's actually a thing here, because Donald Trump is with us tonight. there's actually a thing here because Donald Trump is with us tonight. Jeremiah, you mentioned earlier being somewhat of a fan of Jeremiah Watkins. And Jeremiah, when TamFam has been on the show the last few times, we've done a thing

where Jeremiah speaks for TamFam and TamFam moves his mouth and does the jokes that Jeremiah thinks would be good for him. Donald, how do you feel about maybe taking a stab at that tonight? I'll give it a shot. All right, Donald Trump doing the types of jokes

that he thinks Tam Fam should be doing, the way Tam Fam would do them, with Tam Fam actually physically acting them out. Enjoy. Okay. Harold. I went to supermarket today. Okay. supermarket today. And I ordered fish for my girlfriend.

But then I realized I already have fish between her leg. Tan Fan, how is it possible that you sell his jokes better than you sell your own? Like, you really get into it. I didn't realize there was an Asian girl in the front row until you started doing that voice. Dude, man. That's a Tammy fam right there. How does an Asian person look like Milhouse?

It's fucking amazing. Your style is actually a lot better since when you first started this show. I mean, you remember him wearing his own shirt, his name on there every week. Oh, God. I've seen... Oh, fuck. Yeah, he's old school. Tam fam's royalty. He's real fam, which is his uncle's

name as well. Real fam. Now, I know it was a joke, but you've had sex before, right? Not many times. Oh, my God. It's so great. It's the greatest thing in all of comedy. Still less racist than what Jeff Dunham does You're right He does have a real like Milhouse Simpson

Like Milhouse thing to him Except I feel like he's a little more yellow Yeah I should have said Tam Pham's a little more yellow You probably thought I was talking about Milhouse Makes it more racist If I said Tam Fam. It is true.

I used to wear my twiddle handle on my shirt. But now I have a handle on fashion. It's unbelievable. It's so obnoxiously stupidly perfect. It's like a loophole. It's like farts or something like that. No, no, no. It's a root pole. Holy shit.

Tam Fam, what else is going on in life, man? How do you feel about things? Okay, I guess. I guess I should probably answer Willie's question since it seemed serious at the time. Go ahead.

I have had sex, but never with anybody that I didn't have to pay. So I don't really count it. Did you hear all those girls out there, Tam Fam? They're like, I'll only fuck you if Jeremiah does the voice the entire time. Five dollar? What would that sound like to you Oz Translate in my language To wet pussy

So If there are any Radies out there Please start singing I Am So Ronery. Please start singing. No. I'm looking for a hookup. Just know that I will wham, bam, slam,

tam, fam you all night long. Tam Pham, you all night long. How does a comedy show have better dubbing than any kung fu flick I've ever seen in my life? That is really incredible. Tam Pham, you have a knack for that. How are you so good at knowing what... It's a special connection me and Jeremiah have. That's incredible.

How much have you paid for a Jackie Chan job? I like Jackie Chan job. I'm going to let that joke die as it should. A most honorable death. If you just listen to this podcast and you don't watch the video version, I feel so terrible for you. You right there, people,

and you right there are the smartest people in the world. Audio people are just like, what the fuck are they laughing at right now? No idea. Tam Fam can move those fucking lips. What are you doing for work? Extra.

Extra? Yeah. Like in what? Anything cool? Just newspaper. Extra, extra. Read all about it. Read all about it. You're going to say Judge Judy? That's what you're going to say? Training day I did today.

Oh, training day. What did you do? Pedestrian. What was that like? It was a role that I have prepared for for many years. But still, heavily disappoint my father. Oh my God, that made no sense.

I love that. Oh my God. Tam Pham, anything else going on in life? I mean, you're killing it. You getting a lot of stage time? A little bit. I try to get up every night. That music makes anything sad.

It's so funny. Yeah, I've been getting up every night. Every sentence you say commits ritualistic suicide. Like, it starts out noble and then just kills itself. Like a lot of my jokes, but why are you so sad? Like I

said before, I get no pussy, Mike Lawrence. Pussy, in my culture, is a key to happiness. Why? I think it's everywhere. Oh, my God. Oh, God. It's unbelievable.

Why are you so sad? That was actually pretty accurate. I'm dying over here. I'm dying. I can't even fucking... Wow. Jesus Christ. All right. Well, maybe we should move on.

Tam Pam, any closing... I mean, you know what? Actually, let's talk a little bit longer. What next sad ethnicity? This is just like the most depressing version of Street Fighter this show so far. It's a special super racial

edition of Kill Tony. Anything else, TamFam? What's the closest you've come to fucking a chick? There's no other pedestrians on the set of Training Day?

No, I try to avoid people. I just don't really like being around people. Well, maybe that's why you're not getting laid, dude. But those robots are coming soon, though. VR, man. You didn't realize that was going to be the most hopeful part of his set.

Yeah, man. Virtual reality is coming. You're totally going to get laid soon. All right. Thank you for your optimism, Tony. All right. I wonder sometimes. I wonder sometimes if virtual reality was my reality, would I still be turned down for sex?

But then I think they would give me something Tam Fam we absolutely love you here this episode is going to be the one that gets you laid I know it this is the one you can all say you were at the episode that got Tam Fam laid some crazy little twitter chick is going to come here and if you are that crazy of a girl

and you're listening, come fuck Tam Pham. We'll let you do an interview session. You'll get your own special 60-second interview afterwards. It'll be two minutes. All right. And Tam Pham will give you 30 seconds, probably. All right.

We've met this guy before. Put your hands together for Bill Ross. My niece and nephew are starting to become teenagers now, and they're starting to talk in that hip-hop slang language. So I'm trying to be more relatable to them, like a really cool hip uncle. So I wrote them this letter. I wrote, yo, Brittany and John, what up? I was just chilling. Thought I'd write you, yo. Just got back from my hustle, making a Skrilla. You know, chips. Can't get a tenderoni unless you got the chips. This honey dip's supposed to come by the club if she can get the whip.

She never showed, didn't call. That's mad whack. I ignored the dime piece, told her you'll stop sweating me, talked to the hand. I had to regulate her. She started fronting. I said, why you put my grill

if you don't even know the barbecue? Don't be up my Kool-Aid, don't know the flavor. Get off my jock. I told her to bounce. She got all janky, began tripping. I said, yo, get off my tip. So now this biscuit is just getting his groove on like for any skeezer yo I gotta bounce peace out

Uncle Bill I really sent that and my sister called me a week later Are you on drugs And I was like no but this biscuit hitters push up on my boo And she better come correct I have an arsonist friend of mine Who just found a girl on matches.com Fuck yeah Bill Ross I have an arsonist friend of mine who just found a girl on Matches.com.

Fuck yeah. Bill Ross. I feel like you know all that newer lingo so that it can help you get kids to come to your van. Am I close to right on that? Well, I'm out of candy right now, so. You look like you have flashbacks of bombing Tam Pham's village. Yeah. Those were the good old days.

But speaking of bombs, that was a nice set. That was so weird. That felt like you were writing the Fashizzle My Nizzle Fran Drescher Snoop Dogg commercial. White people are always nine years behind in black culture. Do you have Urban Dictionary?

Talk to the Hand came out at one point. Talk to the Hand. No, actually, it came out at one point. I was auditioning to write for the Carmichael show. Just looking up at the black lady up there, shaking her head slowly, no. He's like, hey, Willie, I know all the hip, cool lingo. And none of it was.

What's the newest one that you added to that? I saw an article in the paper a while back. Oh my god. A while back? Yeah. Reading the actual newspaper, huh? I learned about this new lingo when I was reading the newspaper back in 72. You can't do jokes with slang when you look like a racist cop.

I was reading the paper the other day. These kids are talking about the razzmatazz. A real skedaddle, do you? That thing is actually a true story. I did send that to my niece. My sister did call and say, are you on drugs and everything. I would have the exact same response as your sister. I couldn't understand anything you were saying the whole time.

So what it lacked in humor, it made up for in truth. And that's what you want in comedy. The truth story. Have you done that out on the road? Yeah. So I can see that working in Cleveland State. It worked at Flapper's a couple nights ago. Yeah, baby.

All right. I know, I know, I know. That proves our point. What I'm saying is – It's worked on the road all – I've gone home with comedy. I know, I know. The nine people I forced to watch this joke about. That's road comedy.

You feel like you have the road on you when you're doing that. You know what I would like to see? I would like to see you do that same joke in front of a black audience. I've done that. You have? I like that the joke was so bad it made him drop the Hillary character. Let me uncross my legs and be real with you for a second. Bill, you're an inch.

I mean, like, okay, this is pure comedy. This is my taste in comedy. But, dude, that's for your demographic. And, like, I don't know. If you want it, like, kids are into some different stuff. Bill, what's... Should have done my baseball golf announcer joke. I was going to do that.

Bill Russ kills with guys named Bill or Russ. Bill, like, you're an interesting guy because you seem like so likable. You almost seem like some like jolly Canadian guy or something like that. But you're American, right? Yeah. And how much, like, how long have you been on stand-up? 18 years. 18 years.

18 years. How long ago? April 98. Dude, your failure is old enough to vote. For one of these candidates. Oh, fuck, man. Holy shit That was amazing

All I can say is wow Mike Lawrence Wow Yeah very impressive I was having a conversation with Eric Myers Who's been doing it for 16 years And he said he moved to LA four years ago And when he moved to LA All his jokes had the road on them

And people would just kind of stare at him Because Do you understand when like the music of the language is like super hokey? Bill, what's the riskiest thing that you talk about? Let's get right into it. How old are you?

51. 51. You ever been married? No. No kids. No kids. Craziest thing you've ever done? Commit to stand up for 18 years.

Wait a minute. It's so much better when it comes in before the answer than after. That's so crazy. Like an unsolved mystery. That's like evolved Fred from... Let's see. What's the biggest

accomplishment you've had in comedy? Or anyway. Besides being judged by us. Tell us about your real life. I opened for Brad Garrett in a 600 seat theater in Virginia. Oh, God. Play that sad music. I really love that biscuit joke, Raymond.

I need this to back us up here through this. When did that happen? You opened for Brad Garrett? About four years ago. Alright, Bill. Stick with me over here. Yeah, I'm with you, Tony. Forget Brad Garrett for a second. Tell me shit that's interesting

about your life. Things that you've done in 51 years. You ever win a yo-yo championship? Or a pumpkin carving contest? Or radio something? Worked in radio for 10 years. I was on ABC's America's Funniest People years ago. Won $2,000, 1860 after taxes.

What did you do on that? I did impressions. What did you do impressions of? They're old. That was a while ago. I know. I did Casey Kasem clip from Cheers, Reverend Jim and Louie from Taxi, and Archie Eath from All in the Family. Oh, my God.

You know, all the classics. You just read Lost Lyrics from We Didn't Start the Fire. Do you do any impressions of anybody modern? He just goes, myself, and then walks down the staircase slowly. Oh, that was so sad. We all actually pictured that for a second. I haven't done any new ones in a while. Casey Kasem, he's doing Homer Simpson.

You can't just keep saying Casey Kasem, Bill. We're not going to save you on this one. We're not going to go there. Why did you get into comedy? When I was a kid, I used to watch Johnny Carson and watch all the comedians on there all the time. I loved it and wanted to do it. That's what did it?

Bill, tell me something interesting about your life, something that you've accomplished, something weird you've seen, something. If you were going to write the Bill Russ book and you had to think of a page that was going to be decent, what would it be? Here's a good road story. I was doing a show in Danville, Virginia. Danville, Virginia.

After the show, this young girl came up to me and asked me if I had any weed. And I told her I don't do that. I don't smoke pot. I don't do weed. I don't do that. I don't smoke pot. I don't do weed. I don't do weed, girl. So she goes, if you give me 40 bucks for weed, I'll have sex with you. Oh. And then all of a sudden you're just like, wow.

So you gave her 40 bucks for weed. Yeah. And did you see her smoke the weed? No. It wasn't for weed. Let me fast forward you to how that story should go. Some chick told you it was for weed, but it definitely wasn't. Her name was Tabitha. I bet it was.

How has the fry cook who can't speak English been the most hopeful person on this show? The fuck? These immigrants come and they can do the job of a Bill Russ equally as well. This is my first time. I got the accents confused. That was your champ, Pat. Wow. I got my accents mixed up there.

Nazi. Oh, the mouse of weirdness. All right. No me gusta. So, Bill, what was that sex like? Where did you do it at? Where did you take a girl like that? Your car?

Tell the truth. Do not try to be funny. I could see those. No, it wasn't the car. It wasn't the car. Driver's seat or back seat? It was back seat. It was a Oldsmobile Cutlass Sierra.

If you had to guess the retail price of that Cutlass Sierra, what would you say that it is? $13.98. You stopped yourself when you had a real chance to commit there. He fucked in the car because even his dick only works on the road. Weird and wild

stuff. Oh, God. This is such a fun episode. Bill. Yes, sir. Come on. Anything else? What else is crazy?

You ever win any? I'm really bad with directions. You should see me. I'm out there with my road map, and I'm just fimbling and fumbling. I once had a show. I was reading the paper one time, and I'm like, oh, my God. I'm lost and driving at the sameumbling. I once had a show I was reading the paper one time and I'm like oh my god, I'm lost and driving at the same time. Shouldn't be reading this paper.

It feels like Comics Unleashed with Byron Allen. You could get lost on stage in under a minute. I was once in my Chevy Chevelle to reach my road map. I had a show in upstate New York Broadalbin, New York at the Funny Farm. I was driving down the street and all of a a sudden, oh, God, it was terrible. Jesus.

This guy was reading a newspaper. All right, Bill, go ahead. I was at a show at the Funny Farm in Broadalbin, New York, and I left Sunday morning at 5.30 a.m. to go back to Virginia Beach where I lived. Six hours into the drive, I saw the sign, Welcome to Boston. I drove six hours east instead of south. True story. Oh, my God. What is chapter four in your autobiography?

I feel like if I talk about you to an old man, he'd be like, Bill Russ? No one's seen Bill Russ do stand-up in over 35 years. All right, so the second craziest thing that you've ever done is drive six hours in the wrong direction, which, by the way, is basically a scene from the hit movie Dumb and Dumber, in which a team of comedy writers had to think what's the dumbest thing a human being could possibly do? Let's really get goofy

with it. We can use our imaginations. And that's what they literally came up with. And what's widely considered one of the funniest movies of all time. They pretty much drive six hours in the wrong direction. You accomplished what a bunch of comedy writers literally thought was something so unbelievably funny. Anyway, that's the number two most interesting thing.

What's number three? Dig deep. Dig deep. And by dig deep, I mean tell us where the bodies are buried. In the funny farm in Albany. Turns out that the funny farm is a psych ward that he was committed to. Forget stand-up. Forget show stories. Something from life.

You're not going to sell us on the comedian thing. We want to know what's some real shit. That was the meanest thing that's been said tonight. I'll go down with this shit. Anyway. Let's see Wow

Here's a crazy episode Huh? What do you got, Bill? I interned at a radio station when I was younger Why are these all like rinky-dink show business stories? Okay

Anything happen to you when you were 30 or younger? I once did a bringer show on the Titanic. That's a good story. I'd listen to that. Let's see. Bill, you have a girlfriend lately? Anything like that? No. You into guys?

You gay? No. What do you do to pass time? My dog. What? Dog park. My dog's the one that had the broken leg. Yeah. Do you eat ass?

Every person that's been up here has been a sad independent film. This is so... I want to see who's next. I feel like Philip Seymour Hoffman could have gotten an Oscar for playing you in a movie. Oh, we have your dog on the line. So, Bill, how long have you had your dog for? Five years.

Creepiest thing you've ever let it lick off of your penis? Well, he doesn't like peanut butter, Tony. He does. Bill, anything else, man? Where are you performing next? I've written a serial killer letter before. You wrote a what? Serial killer letter.

I had a neighbor who had a dog, was barking all morning, like early morning to late at night. It was really bugging me, so I took magazines. I cut serial killer letter out. I put two mindless barking dog and noise neighbor. Try getting a pet rock. I will be watching you. And I taped it to their door, and it never happened again.

True story. Wow. That's because you're a creepy motherfucker. Yeah, I'd be terrified of the 51-year-old road comic who has no family. That would be scary. And has a lot of magazines, too. And nothing to live for.

And out of all the things, I mean, you don't really, that's incredible that there wasn't any more barking because you didn't really explain exactly what it was. Say it again. What did it say? You cut out each independent letter. It just said, Too mindless.

Barking dog annoys neighbor. Try getting a pet rock. I will be watching you. And it never happened again after I... All right. I'm pretty sure we're all accessories to a crime now. Bill, I like your style, man. I think it's time we kill Bill.

No part two. I was paranoid seeing that movie. Bill, we're going to see you again soon, buddy. Best of luck. Go take chances. Do something crazy. Sorry to disappoint you tonight, Tony. Oh, Jesus, Bill.

Don't make it sadder than it already is. I'm about to cry over here. In the meantime, you can catch him performing anywhere that's voting for Trump. What do you think about that? I'm even offended by that comment. Alright, let's get into

it. This bucket's a crazy one tonight. This might be a new name. I don't know. We'll see. Put your hands together for Chris Sanders. There can be only one. All right, one more time for Chris Sanders. So I used to live in Beverly Hills as a homeless person. I actually used to live behind my job,

which was a Saks Fifth Avenue on a strip of grass. Every 5 a.m. I'd wake up and the sprinklers would turn on, and then I'd go into work early. After a year of doing this, I eventually got an award for perfect attendance. One of the weirdest things about living in Beverly Hills, you see a lot of strange things. I remember I saw this lady. she had her dog in the baby stroller, but she had her kids on a leash.

And then she got really upset at me when I tried to pet the kid. I'm like, is it like a service baby? Is that what it is? You know, you see a lot of like mean kids, even like rich, arrogant kids. I was at a CVS buying some toothpaste. And this kid, they were like, they were running amok. They were throwing bags, being loud, arrogant kids. I was at a CVS buying some toothpaste. And this kid, they were running amok. They were throwing bags,

being loud, being mean. Cashier's like, you gotta leave. Three of the kids leave, but one stays. And then he points at the cashier and he goes, I could buy you. And that's how ignorant this kid is. He doesn't know that the line is my dad could buy you. Thank you. Chris Sanders.

Wow. How you doing, Chris? I'm doing well, thank you. How old are you? I'm 27. How long have you been on stand-up? Well, I'd say consistently for about a year and a half. Donald?

I think the question is, how long has he been a stand-in for Willie Hunter? Wow. Have you two ever seen each other before? I saw you once when I first moved here. I was going to the 7-Eleven on Sunset, and we were both in the same checkout. Sunset is such a funny word for a guy with a lisp to say. Can you say sunset one more time?

Sunset. Sunset. Before sunset. We saw each other and then what happened? Well, that week I came to the Compsburg

for the first time. Did you guys just start mime handing yourself? Yeah, the Marx Brothers, yeah. I came to the Compsburg for the first time

and I saw the Willie Hunter show actually. It was the first show I saw when I came here to LA. And I was like, hey,

I like your show. And you're like, oh, that's very nice of you. Thank you. And I just went my way and you went your way. Do we really look very similar?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, pretty much. I feel like I'm looking at the evolutionary chart of Barack Obama right now. There it is. Now you just hold up. Hold up. Watch your mouth there.

You really messed up the economy, Barry. Wow, Barry. You don't call me Barry. Okay. Okay. Trump. All right. Chris Sanders, what do you do for work?

I actually still work at Sackford Avenue. You work at the Sackford Avenue. Are you really homeless? Not anymore. I used to be. I was homeless for a time. You really slept on the lawn?

Yeah, I slept behind. There's like this very, it's a place during the day? Yeah, I slept behind, there's like this very, it's a place during the day, we have, during lunch we eat there, like picnics, and at night, I think it's pretty safe,

so I would just sleep there at night. You eat picnics? You have homeless picnics? No, well during the day, you know, during our lunch period, Neiman Marcus,

and my, and Saks, and Noah. What do you do at Saks? I've done a lot of things, I've sold men's shoes, suits, you know, from Gucci to Ferragamo. I've worked stock in the women's shoe department.

I'm starting to guess that your workplace isn't the only Saks that you're dealing with. You know what I'm talking about? Another day, another Kill Tony. What was that? What I want you to do is take the microphone out of the stand and hold it with one hand. There you go. Because you seem so nervous and uncomfortable. I'm a bit nervous, yes.

Why? Maybe because we're really nice on this show. I'm just, you know, I don't know. You did as well as an 18-year veteran. I appreciate that. Thank you. And they talk with the same lingo. Where are you from?

I'm originally from Sarasota, Florida. Sarasota, Florida? Sarasota! I went from Sarasota to Sunset. I know where Sarasota is. A little artsy beach town. How did you get out here? I went to Florida State.

How did you fly out here? No, I took a Greyhound. Greyhound, I knew it. You took a Greyhound, didn't you? I took a Greyhound from Alabama. That's like a two-day trip. Yeah, it was fun. I had these French people as my bus mates. I took a greyhound from Alabama. It was like a two-day trip. Yeah. It was fun. I had these French people as my bus mates.

They were kind of silly. Oh, really? Did you learn anything from the French people? No, nothing new. What's your least favorite race? Orcs. I don't know. That was silly.

That was silly. Listen to the nerds roar at that one. Wow, the powerful nerds. The nerd vote is powerful on this show. Orcs. I said orcs. You don't know what it

means. You didn't watch that. You're in LA. Even if it's a bad joke, if you sell it, people will believe it. You're right. I should know that I'm in sales, right? Yeah. Thanks, thanks. That's so cool. What do you sell better than anyone?

I was pretty good at selling the Ferragamo wallet. They kind of just sell themselves. Sell us on it. If you were going to sell us a Ferragamo wallet, tell us how you would do it right now. Pretend like it's in your hand. What wallet do you have right now? I have a shitty one. Probably like a Swiss Army wallet.

Ferragamo wallet. I have a great one here. I have one right here. Open up the pockets. Is this actually one? Please, please, hold up! Please! Please! Okay. Smell then I wouldn't. Please, please, hold up. Please. Okay.

Smell the wallet, Tony. Smell it. It's a really great wallet. It has a clip inside. Oh, so that's how you do it. You literally have it sell itself. You're just like, here you go. Take it.

Oh, shoplifter. Right here. There he goes. He's got it. Actually, Barack Obama, he actually got one as a Christmas present. You know, I'd say little things like that. Oh, and that's bullshit, right? And he returned it the next day.

No, like the Barton. He asked for the gift receipt. No, we have I'd say little things like that. Ah, and that's bullshit, right? And he returned it the next day. No, like, he asked for the gift receipt. No, we have to do, like, a little bit of research. Like, the Barton Pereira sunglasses, Barack Obama has been seen wearing those.

You talk about that. I mean, little things. People, when they come into Sackford Avenue, How much is one of those wallets? If you're ever going to want a 300,

a little higher, yeah. Jesus Christ. People who come to Sackford Avenue, they already have money. They just really want someone nice to show them what they already know what they want to buy.

I was just really polite and nice and that's why they hired me. I didn't know anything about fashion. How's your dating life here in Los Angeles? It's funny. I fell in love with this Japanese tourist actually last year. Was his name Tam Fam? No. her name was

Allen. Allen? Yowlin. Yowlin? Yeah. He said her name is Allen. Are you guys still together? No, she was actually on vacation for two weeks.

So for the last two weeks, we just kind of like, we dated. It was really cool. I met her in Midwilshire, and we just started talking, and it was great. It was like something out of a movie. I've never experienced anything like it. How long did you guys get to hang out? For about a week.

For about a week. She's at the Hollywood Hotel. At the time, I lived in North Hollywood. Is she in Dubai right now for two weeks, or where is she? She's back in a place called Fukuoka. You guys stay in touch? Yeah. She had to go back for some graduate work in New

York in July. In mid-July she had to go back to Japan, but she's like, I'm going to come back to LA just to see you. So for a week we hung out for a week again. It was great. What did you guys do? Did you go all the way with her? Yes. We had sex.

Finally. Somebody getting laid on this goddamn show. I feel like I just had sex when he said that. Yes! Imagine what you could do if you just shaved the mustache. We just went to the beach. We had dinner We watched Finding Dory

Which she didn't really understand that much This is like Everyone's stories are so Like planned Yeah it's unbelievable right I'm just like you guys hung out and watched Finding Dory Yeah We went to the beach you know we had dinner

What if he like fingered her while watching that movie? Pat lives an exciting life, though. Pat won't even have sex until he's already shot heroin, played a concert. Chris, you do anything crazy ever? Anything in your life ever stand out to you? Some fucked up shit? Ever poop your pants and puke at the same time? Anything weird?

I think the craziest thing I ever did is after college i joined the navy reserve but then a year later i left you joined the navy and then you quit yeah real american hero you are chris uh yeah why'd you quit um you know i i just didn't uh i was a medical corpsman and uh and i just didn't really like what i was doing and so i just kind of walked away you know I talked to a lot of the some mentors about it and good move bad move and they were just pretty much like you know what you're gonna have a long life you've only been in for a year it's gonna be fine it's not a big you're reservist you show up one week in a month you know Tony ask me a question from my life yeah Pat crazy as shit so tell me some shit okay uh. One time I got on Tinder and met up with a girl at 4 a.m. and

she had just broken up with her boyfriend that same night and she was a stripper and she took out a bag of drugs and the bag had full of a bunch of shit and then we did mushrooms and then we had sex and then she

told me about her dad dying and her brother uh then we had sex and then she told me about like uh her dad dying and her brother dying and she had like art from her brother's death like all over the walls and the walls were red which i mean red is a really uncomfortable color for a bedroom i still think him having the confidence to leave the navy is a more impressive story you know what that sounds means You're just a white guy that did mushrooms He was like fuck you America Well I live for me

Mike just won interruption of the night When you hear that song you know I'm gonna Pearl Harbor some Japanese girl instead The second time we hung out She was on heroin Did you guys spoon afterwards? The second time we hung out, she was on heroin. Yeah. Did you guys spoon afterwards?

Oh, you're going to make that noise like it's not brilliant, like it's hacky? All right, cool. I want to give you one piece of advice. Please, please. Which is that a lot of comics, when they start, are fucking poor. Like, I was dirt fucking poor. I still look it. But you were fucking homeless. Like, I want to see that when you're on stage.

Like, being on stage should be the most comfortable you feel. You should be fucking fighting harder than any of these fucking, you know, people that live in apartments and houses. Like, you should show that. Because it should mean something to you. Like, you left the Navy. You have an interesting story. know people that live in apartments and houses like you should show that and because then it should mean something to you like you left the navy you have an interesting story like you should have that fire and instead you were like nervous you didn't know how to hold the microphone and stuff like there's an interesting person here fucking you have nothing to lose so you should show that on stage i will will. Let it rip.

Chris Sanders, come back again soon. Thank you for having me. What ethnicity are you? I'm Cambodian and black. Cambodian and black. There he goes. Chris Sanders. That's pretty great. Cambodian and black.

What the fuck is going on? Did you know you look half Cambodian? I. What the fuck is going on? Did you know you look half Cambodian? I did not know that. Willie, what are you? Are you half Cambodian? I'm just black. Why did that get a laugh? We know this young lady.

We love her. Put your hands together for Lindsay Jennings, everybody. Here she is. What's up? Yeah! Kill Tony. Hey, guys. I've been dating this dude. He keeps telling me i have masculine qualities but he

keeps wanting to fuck me so i'm like okay i guess that means that i'm a little manly and you're a little gay uh same dude hit that booty call up recently and he turned me down and i was a little upset i'm not gonna lie uh and i was driving. I was at my right mind. You know, I was high. And all of a sudden I found myself in the Carl's Jr. drive-thru, but I wasn't ordering anything. I think because I just wanted to say no to a guy. He was like, can I help you? I was like, no. Felt good. He was like, can I help you? I was like, no. It felt good.

But then I was like, wait, unless you're off right now, what do you look like? It turned into a blind date in the drive-thru. I was looking at that screen like, ASL? Yeah. Lindsay Channings. How's it going? What's up? So that guy you're dating that thinks that there's masculine qualities in you, does he ever tell you specifically what he thinks they are?

I don't know. He's dressed like a woman right now. I mean. I didn't know if she was going to go there. Me neither. Me neither. I sort of lobbed up a beach ball, so we were going to go with it.

Oh, wow. Sometimes you got to do that as a host. See where the sharks want to play. I mean, Pat does sit down when he pees at urinals. That's the funniest thing. What is that? A Brody joke or something? That's hilarious. Sits down while he pees at urinals.

I noticed Lindsay told a couple of jokes directly to me. Which is interesting. I did notice that. The I'm dating this guy who tells me that I have masculine quality. How are things going? You guys having fun? Good.

We were fighting today. Really? We were fighting right before this. Oh, shit. No, but we had a great day. We did. We did yoga and fucking worked out and made food, and then he fought with me over taking too much ice

out of a fucking smoothie in the blender. Wow. Diva. That's one of Pat's crazy stories. Oh my god. I love that. You guys are fighting over basically nothing. Yeah. And then shit probably escalates pretty quickly.

You guys are like little rock star couple. There's something very like Kurt and Courtney about your guys' connection. I'll tell you that right couple. There's something very like Kurt and Courtney about your guys' connection. I'll tell you that right now. She's Kurt, I'm Courtney. True. There's no winner in that. They're both horrible fates. Except you're

more likely to kill yourself. Oh, too real. Too real? Too real. Too real. Well, I'm gonna say something. I could hear you visibly talking during other people's sets. Oh, shit, really? Yeah, I could.

During sets? Were you talking during people's sets? And so it's like, if you're going to do that and then come up and have that, it's just kind of disappointing. It just felt like there was an entitlement a little bit. I could hear it during

when we were talking to the other people. Oh, I'm sorry. But you do know that you were talking during people's sets? Is that what you're saying? No, I didn't think I talked during anybody's sets, but maybe, yeah. I mean, I kind of say my opinion of what's going on over there. It's kind of loud. Other people talk. I was just kind of like, oh my god, this is boring.

Can we move on? You should hear how much she talks during yoga? Shut up. I'm trying to follow the video. I put on music. What types of things was she bringing up during yoga? Ow. My back's so fucking sore.

And then she's just like rolling around, like running into me and shit. Wow. And I'm trying to open my third eye. Not usually. Trying to open your third eye, really? Wow, I feel like I'm watching a Hot Topic sitcom. Wow, Trump. It's every fight you see at a Fall Out Boy concert.

Those are both so tonally off. Oh, those are both so tonally off. Oh, man. Well, I didn't mean to talk during... I didn't talk during anybody's sets, but I'm sorry that I've... That was rude to you. So what were you thinking when they were up? Were you just like this...

Well, I just am like, there's 50 comics in the balcony trying to get up, and they were spending a lot of time on, like, some boring stuff. What was boring to you? What part? The last dude. Just the end of... All right, so end of... You mean I was boring?

What happened with that threesome in Australia? Oh, shit. Whoa. Wrong ethnicity there, Brian. I guess Pat wants me to tell the story about how I went to Australia and on the plane

I thought I was going to be one of the people to go to sleep but I ended up drinking lots of wine and partying in the back and there was like three dudes there and this guy had a bunch of Xanax. He told me he had 50 Xanax in his pocket so I was like, can I have 10 of them? And he just gave them to me so it was awesome.

Got really fucked up and then joined the Mile High Club and had a threesome with another suicide girl in the bathroom of the plane. God damn. And I can hear someone over there going, when the fuck is this going to be over? Circle of life. Wow. That's just on the way to Australia.

He asked what happened in Australia. I mean, Jesus. That's incredible. How does somebody? Wow. That's incredible. How does somebody... Wow, that's interesting. Same time, you, a guy, and another girl, you had a threesome in a bathroom? Yeah, it was ridiculous.

Of an airplane. How is that even possible? I call bullshit on this one. Oh, my God. It sounds like... I don't think you can join the Mile High Club by doing hand jobs. I can do crazy yoga, and I definitely can do weird things.

Were you talking the whole time you were bending into positions? Yeah. Oh, my back. Really? How did you guys pull it off? Was one person like, what are you? I just can't picture it. I've been to Australia in a bathroom in first class

and I know you weren't up there. That was just for you to say you've been in first class. You can't have a threesome in first class. He's sitting on the toilet. I think that she needs to demonstrate on me and the woman next to me. He's sitting on the toilet. I'm here and then the other girl is here It's like very tight but you know it works

What's she doing? I feel like that's the only thing tight about this situation It's very tight in there However my pussy on the other hand Yikes She's making out with me I'm fingering her I don't know I hardly remember I was super fucking wasted

Wow Xanax, huh? Yeah. God. What does that do to you? Is that a waker up? It calms you down. It stops your inhibitions. It makes you a whore.

It makes you a whore. Wow. It stops inhibitions? Yeah. Oh, shit. It literally stops the inhibitory neurotransmitters in your brain. That's true, dude, because people who take Xanax have so much anxiety, so they can't get through their day. They have all these inhibitions, so it helps them to...

I just want to say I rode here with these two, and the ride home is going to be very interesting. I'm not coming home with you. No, it's going to be great. You guys are great. What's wrong? You're killing it. These are just going to put up a wall between them. You guys are rock and roll as fuck.

You shouldn't be fighting about anything after this. That's awesome how he can fucking set you up to tell a crazy story like that. Have you talked about that on stage before? No, I shouldn't. If you pepper it up and actually I don't know, something with it. It's a thousand times more interesting

than any story the first five people had on stage. The most exciting thing about Bill Russell's life was what? He fucking drove six hours the wrong direction. Oh my god. Well, if you want to know something that really stands out about me. I interned in

radio once. Was that Australia thing recently? Two years ago. So you might start stripping. Whoa! Wow, it's all coming out there right now. Here we go. Couples therapy.

Yeah, this is interesting. Welcome to a new segment on Kill Tony called Couples Therapy with Pat Reagan and Lindsay Jennings. Yeah, I might start stripping. Is that true? Wow, you got Willie to start stripping. Right now.

Yeah, baby, I'm going to start stripping also. Wow. You could ask them to go to the champagne room or the airplane bathroom. Oh, boy. Lindsay, so you really might start stripping? Have you ever done it before? No, I have a joke. I actually did it on here one time about how

I'm a failed stripper because I didn't get the job one time. But that's mostly because I was hesitant to take my top off because I didn't know I was going to have to take my top off. For the audition. Yeah. That's a big part of stripping. Well, no, but... So I'm not really going to become a stripper

either, because I might work at, like, Cheetahs or something, where you don't have to strip. But you do have to give lap dances, so you're basically a stripper. Whoa. One of the old waitresses from Cheetahs. There she is.

Wow. Wow. Okay. So are you going to try to do this job of stripping? I mean, it seems like you'd make some money. What's that like? I mean, I guess you don't know. You haven't done it. Well, I mean, I did a burlesque tour with Suicide Girls.

That's why I was in Australia. So I've stripped on stage before. It's not like, you know, too big of a deal. What? Nothing. What? Nothing. Australia so I've stripped on stage before it's not like you know too big of a deal what nothing nothing okay the sexual tension is

potent in here how have you been making money up until now okay well I worked at a whoa Jesus what is that that's my friend she's got like the funniest laugh ever. No. So I was working at a weed.

I did hair for like eight years. Then I was working at a weed shop because I don't want to do hair anymore. And then I got fired for no reason via voicemail while I was in New York. From the weed shop. From the weed shop. Yeah, for chronically being laid. Don't say that, Pat. That's not true.

He was going to fire you when you were there, but he forgot to. Shut up. Chronic tardiness. That's not really why I got fired, though, and I've been good lately. But either way, I've been making money on Snapchat for the last three weeks. Why does she always do that special laugh? What the fuck is this, like, evil temptress that does that? What have you been doing

on Snapchat? She sends in my apartment. She sends topless photos to other guys who like, hey, can you dress up in an orange skirt and they pay her for that? Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah. How do I sign up for this thing? This sounds much

better than Periscope. I took a screenshot last night of them sleeping. Oh, wow. There's Pat in the back right there. Jeremiah, I'll let you get up and physically look. I can tell you need to. Yeah, you can see Pat.

What's really funny is Pat's in the background. Jeremiah's head for you podcast listeners just went full Inspector Gadget across the stage. There you go. Look at Pat. It's so like... Is this Uber?

I'm going to need a ride home. I don't know. Joel Jimenez, ladies and gentlemen. Do you know it took me a while to tell which was the woman or the man? You guys are hilarious. I love you guys. You're like the most awesome rock and roll comedy store couple there is right now. You guys are hilarious. I love you guys.

You're like the most awesome rock and roll comedy store couple there is right now. Thank you. Pat's not so thrilled. All right. What a great compliment. You're the best couple at the comedy store. Anything else for Lindsay, gentlemen? Besides everyone else who works here and seasonal depression.

Willie, what do you think about Lindsay? What's going on over here? Any advice to her or her and Pat as a couple? Do I love each other? Mike, how about you? Yeah, it's fine. Trump? Donald Trump?

The faster you break up, the better. Donald Trump just won the election with that one statement. One of you might not overdose if you break up now. It's going to be interesting to figure out which one's which. No, I'm kidding. Thank you, thank you. Lindsay, you're awesome. You did it again. Thank you. There she goes, Lindsay Jennings, ladies'm kidding. Thank you, thank you. Lindsay, you're awesome. You did it again.

Thank you. There she goes, Lindsay Jennings, ladies and gentlemen. She's on Twitter, Lindsay Jennings. I am Chris Sanders at The Bill Russ at TamFam Comedy. Let's get into a couple regulars, and then maybe we'll go back to the bucket if we have time afterwards. We have two regulars, everybody. Two young ladies that do a brand new 60 Seconds every single week.

This week's no different. Going up first, you know her, you love her. It's Vanessa Johnson, everybody. I'm afraid of growing older. The thing I'm most afraid of is having to teach my future children who little John is. Having to explain to him and go, Well, honey, sometimes you have to get low and then someone skeets skeets in you.

And that's how accidents happen in the club in the bathroom or in the comedy club um it's weird that it's illegal to use handicapped parking spaces but it's not illegal to use handicapped bathroom stalls way more illegal activity has happened in a handicapped bathroom stall than has ever happened in a handicapped parking space. You thought meter maids were bad? Imagine the potty police. Fuck yeah. 57 seconds.

Vanessa Johnston. What was the first thing you talked about? Oh, you called him Little John at the beginning. You literally said the words Little John, so everything you said, I feel at least it sounded that way to me. You said I said Little John, I said

Lil John? Yeah, and I think that you lose your street cred immediately. I thought she was talking Robin Hood personally. I thought it was talking Robin Hood personally. I thought it was brave that you saw Bill Russ bomb with the exact same joke and decided to do it 45 minutes later. Gotta stop doing Bill Russ's act. Did you watch the rest of the show? No.

Oh, well. I was watching the debate. Hey, you want to fuck Lindsay. What? Right? Jesus, Pat, you're throwing everybody under buses today. That's interesting. Is that true?

There was a guy that came up here and did basically a similar version of the first joke he did. About Little John? But about like using slang and all that. Didn't really work out the best. I think what it was more rooted is like looking at millennial culture and then having to explain to your children what millennial culture because i was thinking like what is millennial culture and that was the first thing that came to my head yeah i once saw i was like that song yeah i was once at a party and lil john was at the party and everybody was like holy shit lil, Lil Jon's here. And then he performed in the party.

The place we were at was this huge country music star's super mansion in Nashville, a guy named John Rich. Big and rich, we're all aware. Yeah. And one side of this house of blues that he has on the third floor of this crazy mansion is just one big

showroom, but one side of it is all windows in which you could see all of Nashville, all the downtowns down there, and the other side's walls. And he performed that fucking Windows to the Walls song, and the place went nuts. It's one of those not really that funny, but it's just one of

those stories where we were literally you could tell everybody was into the song, but everybody's just one of those stories where, like, we were literally, you could tell everybody was, like, into the song, but everybody was also like, can you fucking believe there's windows and walls? What the fuck is happening, man? It's all windows and all walls. While listening to the music, it was mind-blowing. One of those, like, total eclipses.

Anyway, so, you know, like, I mean, I don't know. The handicapped stall thing, there's sort of something there for sure. But anyway, so you know like I mean, I don't know what did then the handicaps assault thing that's a that's There's sort of something there for sure. Yeah, you know Willie thoughts Vanessa Johnson No, I get what you're trying to do at the first joke Like the music you listen to the yet explain it to your kids. This is how I met whoever or whatever, right? I don't know. I feel like little John is so played though Like that's like you hear that so much like it, there's, like, another rapper there somewhere,

like, mystical or something, you know? Shepard. Shepard. Kind of. Yeah, you know what I mean? It was just, okay. No. You listen to...

Look at you. You listen to a lot of hip-hop? Obviously not Why are you laughing like that? Why is that so funny? Because you said it's so white, it was funny Do you listen to a lot of the hip hop? I mean, yeah, I guess

That was kind of like a cornerstone growing up Are we all going to pretend that I didn't say the comment that I said? I feel like you're I feel like you're trying to facilitate something, and my boyfriend's black, so if there's going to be a threesome, it's probably going to be a good one. No, the way I heard it.

Oh! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Oh, the wave! Holy shit! Oh, shit! One of my favorite things in all of comedy, the waves from the hit show Roast Battle on Comedy Central just made a guest appearance.

Oh, shit. This party's out of control. Vanessa Johnston just blew the top off of the show. Holy shit. This long brewing rivalry between you and Pat Reagan and you just took him to the fucking house. In one swoop. That was so like fucking Game of Thrones.

What's that? Queen Xerxes. You just fucking burnt down the entire kingdom. Can I just say, this is the sexiest Ivanke has ever looked. Who? She just took Pat from the window to the wall. Wow, that was awesome. And with that, she probably gets to

be done. Anything else, Pat? Vanessa Johnson, there she goes. Anything else, Pat? Vanessa Johnson, there she goes. Fun episode tonight, huh? I love this girl. You do too. You know her, you love her. Here she is, Allie Makovsky. Thank you. I used to work at a movie theater. It was like super pretentious. Before a movie would start, one of the employees would have to go in front of the audience, say the name of the movie, who's in it, how long the, okay, you're going to be in the dome. It seats 800 people.

It's a sold-out show. You have to use a microphone. I was like, got it. So I get up there and I'm like, hey, how's everyone doing? Dead silence. And so then I'm like, woo! And then it was even quieter. So I was just like, get ready for Schindler's List.

And then the crowd went wild and then my manager from work died and I wasn't really that close with him but I went to the funeral just to show face and everyone's walking into the funeral and all of a sudden I'm just like hey thanks for coming to Greg's funeral it has a run time of about an hour and 40 minutes it stars Greg.

Spoiler alert, he was dead the whole time. Ali Makovsky. She's on a killing spree, ladies and gentlemen. She's just killing it. She's on a hot streak. We know that you did work at a movie theater, so all that shit's real enough. It's very real.

Have you seen Ali Makovsky before, Mike? Yeah. Okay, perfect. It was good. It was really funny, yeah. I Ally Makovsky before, Mike? Yeah. Okay, perfect. It was good. It was really funny, yeah. I bet she's even better, too, in a longer time because you can sit on those jokes a little bit more. Yeah, yeah.

I can see you doing that act without actually explaining it. You just actually just jump into it. You do it like, are you guys ready? It's very funny. Thank you. I laughed a lot. I will say, did they show old films? No.

So Schindler's List, you are, what, 21? That came out in 1993? Yeah, sure. Now imagine if a whole room of Mike Lawrence's, i.e. autistic people, were watching that. I know. They would heckle the fuck out of you. Someone has mentioned it before. So you should look at movies now. Find the newest

depressing one. They're always making them. What would it be right now? They re-released it in 3D recently. Stop it. Red Band for the win. If you said 12 Years a Slave, would you regret it

as an extra in? Oh, shit. It was one of the years. No. I did kill it in that movie. Hey, Mike Lawrence, you were great in Cloverfield Lane as one of John Goodman's moles. Whoa, Jeremiah's shown a little roast battle muscle there.

You don't mess with Willie Hunter. I can't say anything about you guys that Twitter already hasn't. Allie, great stuff. Another new minute from the great Allie McCoskey. There she goes. She's on Twitter. Allie McCoskey. That's her.

You know it. Digging deep in the bucket for one more. You guys want to do one more or what? Going to get through it. Digging deep in the bucket for one more. You guys want to do one more or what? Going to get through it nice and quick. And it's going to be... This looks definitely like a new name. I'm excited about this. Ivan Ishkov.

Oh, please be here. Please tell me you're here. Ivan Ishkov. Was that the villain in Rocky IV? Oh, Please tell me you're here. Ivan Ishkov. Was that the villain in Rocky IV? Oh, please tell me you're here. Oh, that is such a cool name. Ivan Ishkov. Wow.

Oh, you son of a bitch. Oh, I know by the name now who's going to be fucking insane and not. All right. Let's try Han Kim. Han Kim. Han Kim. Hey, guys. It's good to be here.

I don't like carpool lanes. I feel like carpool lanes is like society. Say, hey, you know how you're lonely? Yeah, do it for longer now. Take the long way home. Think about it watch people with friends whizzing by you WTF society

this girl was like my vagina is a 3D printer I was like that's not even accurate your womb is a 3D printer your vagina is a tray schematically Accurate? Okay, your womb is a 3D printer, your vagina is a tray. Schematically. It's not even a very good 3D printer, it only prints one thing with lots of errors.

Takes nine months to print, and the whole time it's printing, it's complaining. WTF, women? Alright, that's my time. Thank you. I'm going to tell you this immediately is that you know. Thank God he was good because we ran through every Asian stereotype

an hour ago. That was good, man. That was amazing. How long have you been doing stand-up? Four years. Where are you from? amazing. How long have you been doing stand-up? Four years. Where are you from? Seattle. How long have you been here? Two days. Just visiting.

Yeah. Then you've got to go back. Yeah. You're hilarious. Thank you. The 3D printer joke's amazing. And what I love about it, and this is going to sound a little bit racist, but you're really like, I love hearing an Asian talk, you know, sort of like, I mean, you guys are good in both, obviously, medical

fields and technology. And to hear you... It only became racist when you said, obviously. Gran Torino. Gran Torino 2. Not racist at all. It was a compliment. And when you people... Is there any chance we can convince you

to move your lips? You want to say hello for a second, Tam Fam? No, not when they're good. Oh, Jesus, Mike. I'm not an Uncle Chang. Oh, I love that. Sure. So, Hang Kim,

tell us something else interesting about you before you go. My name's Hans Kim. That's interesting. Very good. Well, your Hans writing is pretty fucking terrible. How about that? Piece of shit. You're from Seattle, and you're here for a little bit. Are you thinking about moving down here?

Yeah, yeah, definitely. Join you crazy people. You're hilarious. I really hope you do. Thanks for coming on the show. We got a high five. There he goes. Hans Kim. Follow him on Twitter at HansKim5. His S's look like G's. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. That happened while you were

sitting here tonight. We love him. All his prints. Holy fucking shit. That's an incredible one. Get the Kill Tony poster. Get tonight's print, whatever you want. Reagan Watkins. Josh Martin comic with me October 8th at the Wilbur Theater.

Jeremiah Watkins. Hit me up online at Jeremiah's Stand Up. Watch the Eric Andre show every Friday night on Adult Swim. Joel Jimenez is mostly sorry. We absolutely love him. Killed it tonight. Willie Hunter. I'm happy to announce that the Carmichael show will start back up

next Monday, so look for season three. You heard it right from the co-creator's mouth. It's coming back next Sunday. Make sure you watch on NBC the great Mike Lawrence. Thanks, man. You can see me on MikeLawrenceComedy.com all my dates. I'm on tour. So check that out, man. You can see me on MikeLawrenceComedy.com, all my dates.

I'm on tour. So check that out, please. Fuck yeah. Come see us. We're in Houston at the Come and Take It Festival in November. It's going to be great. That's going to be fun. Don't want to kill Tony there.

And what else? Brea, California this weekend, Ontario next month. Australia, Australia, Australia I'm with you at the end of October Thank you so much live audience Have a great night Thank you, good night I wish you big, you bitch-dog son of a bitch. I can always do this bit later. I can always do this bit later.

I can always do this bit later. You can piss up a rope and watch me giggle For the last six months I've been packing your bag You can wash my balls with a warm wet rag Till my balls feel smooth and soft like silk I'm sick of your mouth and your 2% milk And I'm no dope but I've lost all hope So hit the fucking road and piss up a rope You can We'll see you next time. Check. you