KILL TONY - KILL TONY #178

Episode Date: October 28, 2016

Michael Kosta, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Jeremiah Watkins, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Ali Macofsky, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 10/03/2016 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that...

That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This is Kill Tony. Don't forget Kill Tony is recorded every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store in the Belly Room.

Every Tuesday we have Roast Battle, which is the verbal violence podcast here at Death Squad. Every first and third Friday we are at the Ice House for the Ice House Secret Show. This Monday, October 31st, Kill Tony returns after its two-week vacation. We're doing a Halloween party. That's right. This Monday is October 31st. So it's costume required. It's in the main room. It's going to be a huge Halloween party. Reserve your tickets now. You can always go to DeathSquad.TV and click on tour dates. Also, me and Tony are going to Houston for the Come and Take It Festival. That's November 18th through the 20th. You can get your tickets at comeandtakeitcomedy.com.

And last but not least, the Death Squad secret show in the main room is happening November 2nd. That's Wednesday. It's going to be a huge show. The secret guest that I have planned for this, I wish I could tell you who it is. It's huge, though. It's Wreck be a huge show. The secret guest that I have planned for this, I wish I could tell you who it is. It's huge, though.

It's Wreck-It Ralph huge. She's hilarious. So get your tickets now. That's November 2nd at the Comedy Store. Tickets are on sale right now. Go to shopsquad.tv for all the official Death Squad merchandise. And don't forget to subscribe to kill Tony on iTunes. Search the iTunes store for kill Tony, hit subscribe and rate and review the show.

Or you can subscribe to the death squad podcast, which includes everything like verbal violence, bedtime stories, kill Tony, all this stuff. And last but not least, don't forget to go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. He is in Australia right now. He's been killing it in Australia, from what I've heard. But he has a bunch of new dates. You can go to his website. He's got some merch there.

TonyHinchcliffe.com. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Rogue Famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Yeah. Hello. Hi, everybody. Volume,

yes. I'm here with Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen. Producer, Joshua Martin. You know him, you love him. We're all here. You guys ready for a crazy fucking night or what? Welcome to the number one live podcast in the world on a Monday at the Comedy Store. Make some fucking noise for real people. Come on. You can do better than that. This is the number one live show in the world. For the thousands on Ustream, I'm going to be in Boston at the Wilbur Theater with

Josh Martin opening up for me this Saturday. And then next weekend I'm in Buffalo. And then after that I'm in Australia. Australia from the 18th to the 30th in Sydney, Brisbane, and Melbourne. Tony Hinchcliffe, one-man shows throughout Australia. So get tickets for that. And if there's any Australians in the audience, which there's usually a couple,

any out there tonight? Okie dokie, that's embarrassing. We're also going to be in Houston, Texas. That's right, at the Come and Take It Fest at the end of November. That's going to be a lot of fun. And we might have another big announcement coming soon that I'm going to talk with you about tonight. After the show. Didn't even get to bring it up to you yet.

Nice. So look out for that. Let's get into it, shall we? You guys ready to... You already met Pat Reagan. He's unbelievably awesome. You know him. You love him.

He's the leader of the Kill Tony Band. And here is the Kill Tony Band. It's Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel Jimenez. It's Kill Tony Live. Featuring Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez Brian Redback and your host Tony Hinchcliffe That was fucking awesome.

Whoever made that gets bonus points. Big bonus points. Jesus Christ. Hello. Jeremiah Watkins Pat Reagan Joel Jimenez I am so happy to announce while we're high energy your new it's the hardest thing in comedy to accomplish in all of comedy there's one hardest thing to do and that has become a paid regular at the comedy store and your newest paid regular

at the comedy store is j Watkins, ladies and gentlemen. Un-fucking-believably awesome. We've been rooting for him for a long time. He's earned it. He's one of those guys that got it fucking rough, paid his dues a little bit longer than he probably should. It was a little smoke. I love that. So, we're proud of you, Jeremiah.

Thanks so much, guys. Really appreciate it. Fuck yeah. Exciting times. Exciting measures. Should we meet tonight's guests? Always two of the funniest comedians in the world. This one's extra special to me because it's one of my favorite guests

and it's a brand new guest who I'm so excited is going to be sitting at this desk for the first time ever. Put your hands together for two of my favorite comedians. It's Michael K new guest who I'm so excited is going to be sitting at this desk for the first time ever. Put your hands together for two of my favorite comedians. It's Michael Kosta and Josh Martin, everybody. What? Michael Kosta, one of the funniest humans on the planet. And Josh Martin, a producer on the show since episode one,

his first time sitting at the desk. Look at that. Josh Martin's been touring with Joe Rogan. He's opening up for me October 8th, this Saturday at the Wilbur Theater. Sounds like the booker was sick this week. I don't like this side of things at all. Fuck yeah. There he is, Josh Martin, nervous as fuck.

Yep. Michael Kosta, how's life? Oh, man. My friend Adam. Does anyone else have that song in their head? I love that song. That is a great song. Jeremiah paid regular congratulations.

That's fucking... Fuck yeah. Thank you, buddy. Yeah. Yeah, that's sweet. That's sweet. Are you going to get drunk and celebrate? Do you drink?

I don't. He's never had a drop. Let's not get drunk and celebrate. I had a jar of yellow Tostitos cheese. Yeah. Probably would have been healthier just to get drunk. Congratulations. That's not an easy feat.

That's awesome. That's awesome. Yeah, thank you. Took them a long time, didn't it, Jeremiah? It's very hard. It did, yeah. All right. Brian threw down the music pretty quick there.

Let's just get into it, shall we? You guys ready to start the fucking show? I have a bucket filled with random people's names. They signed up on the front patio tonight. Some of them are the top rising comedians in the world. Some of them, it's their first time ever doing it. Some of them are legitimately

completely insane. Anything can happen on this show. If you haven't been here before, it's fucking crazy. I pull a name out of the bucket, they do 60 seconds. People who signed up, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Oh, it's adorable. Wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. The bear rattlesnake elephant.

Oh, okay, okay, Brian. All right. Obnoxious. okay, Brian. All right. Obnoxious. There you go. All right, so no more buttons for seven minutes after that. One of those buttons should be Josh Martin's speech impediment. I think we actually have one of that, don't we? I can just add that live.

You can just do that live. Okay, fantastic. That was a joke, everybody. There it is. There's Josh's. Oh, yeah. Yikes. So I'm going to pull a name out of the bucket.

What do you motherfuckers think about that? 60 seconds uninterrupted. And here we go. Your first comedian tonight goes by the name of Courtney Banks. You know when you're fucking somebody new and the guy's like, man, your pussy is so tight. And you're just like, really? Still?

Is that... Still doing that? I have been getting fucked a lot because I've been wearing this wig. Hi, it's fake. But the thing that happens with that is when you have long hair, guys want to pull it. It's really a problem because it's not attached to my head, right? So guys are pulling it from the back, you know, when they're fucking from the back. But then from the front, I am trying desperately to keep it on. So it looks like I'm very much enjoying this,

but really, I'm not. And I don't know how to get out of that joke. Like, I don't know how to get out of that situation. It's very uncomfortable. That's what I'm doing. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Well, let's figure it out.

How do you get out of that joke? Does it really happen? Are guys really pulling on it? How hard are they pulling? Well, you know. Let me ask you this because it's got to be attached to some stuff, right? Well, so it like,

you just, it's kind of like a hat with like clips. Right. So just like it's there so it kind of hurts. Has it ever come off? Yes, it has. Oh my God.

And then what happens? He goes soft immediately. You just start apologizing over and over again. I'm not the woman that you thought I was. I do. I feel like a liar. Right. Did they start double-checking for a dick right about that point?

Just like, whoa, what have we done? No, the only time it's come off, it was like this weird guy. He took me up to the Hollywood Hills and he was into weird shit. So I think he... Like what? What kind of weird shit? Yeah, Courtney. Like what?

I mean... What was weird? That he took you to the Hollywood Hills or that he wanted to pull your wig? Well, yeah, because it wasn't his house. It was just a weird situation. Yeah, that is a little weird. So he took you to someone else's residence in the Hollywood Hills?

Yes. And I went. Did he take you inside, or was it... Just outside. No, yeah, we went inside. So he had you in the car. Did you do the TMZ tour? Is that what this was?

And then the guys just fucked you, drove the bus. Right up here on the right is where Arnold Schwarzenegger once lived. And if you look to your left, you see an open mic-er giving a blowjob with a wig falling off. What happens if you don't wear the wig? Because you're a pretty girl. Is it just terrible without the wig? Courtney's old hairstyle was a fork and a light socket. Yeah, was it?

Let me give you an example of what Mike might be talking about. I once heard a rumor from someone in television that works on television in the hair and makeup department that Nicki Minaj has because she's pulled out so much of her hair

doing a bunch of crazy shit, has one little knot of human hair left at the top of her head. Thank you. Yes, that is the correct sound. Very good. She has a man bun. Nicki Minaj has a man bun. That's it. So she basically yes, she has like nothing around

except for one little thing like some kind of like, I don't know, fucking like. No, I have hair. Teletubby or something and it like attaches on to the one little thing that's on the top of her head Does it give you more confidence to wear a wig? Because if you're wearing a wig Literally just like putting on a hat. Yeah a hat with clips

I mean that was the initial name of for the wig before they shortened it to wig Is it real lips? Is it real hair like with cancer? It's cancer hair. I think Indian girls girls do some sacrifice to give up their hair. Are you mixing up real India with Native American girls? Is that what you're doing? We have the finest cancer hair for you here. What else is fake? Joel Jimenez on the drums.

About seven seconds late on the Indian reference, but still worth it. While the window was closing, he went for it and found it. Okay, do they tell you where the hair is from? You ever curious about that? Does it say on the bag, like, stage five pancreatic cancer, four-year-old girl, anything like that? I don't take cancer patients' hair. All right, you can't just hit a button all the time and hope that it works. You have to have some kind of...

There has to be some method to the madness here, Brian. It's wolf hair. It's just got wolf hair. Oh, okay. Oh, you son of a bitch. Red band pulling it out once again. How much does a wig cost? How much does a wig cost? How much does this wig cost? So I was going to get extensions, and they were like $750 or something.

And then the person was like, oh, you can just get a wig for like $150. So I just got that instead. There's a Halloween store literally right there. That's your time for the wolf howl right there. Halloween store. All right. Missed it. Anyway. your time for the wolf howl right there halloween store all right missed it anyway um so okay there you go right then welcome to the sound effects show with uh comedians that's pretty amazing because no matter whether you had a wig or extensions the guy would fuck you either way

so that's what's or just bald he would probably fuck you as well totally So that's what's... Or just bald. He would probably fuck you as well. Totally. So who's it for? You? Other girls? I just want to look... When you look good, you feel confident and then therefore... And then you have enough confidence

to follow a sketchy man up to Hollywood Hills and fuck you. He paid for the Uber. He paid for the Uber. Okay, there we go. Wait a second. Hold on a second.

Time out. He paid for the Uber. Wait a second. Wait a second. You're telling me that this wasn't in his car? No. We were at a bar.

You Ubered to the top of the Hollywood Hills near a bunch of random residences. You didn't go inside. No, we did go inside. Go inside of where? It was like this house in the hills, and we fucked in the hot tub. Probably the Airbnb that he booked in the bathroom while he was deciding to take her up to the fucking... I think I'm going to fuck this girl. I better get a Hollywood Hills house.

That is hilarious, by the way. You should fucking call Silicon Valley right now and get in on that shit. Hotels Tonight, I mean, you can... I've seen dudes in this bathroom getting on Hotels Tonight. Like, I need to get a hotel room right fucking now. That is hilarious. This should be sponsored by Hotels Tonight. Like, I need to get a hotel room right fucking now. That is hilarious. This should be sponsored by Hotels Tonight. Brian, play a hotel sound.

Oh, yeah. There you go. He actually had that one ready to go. Right on cue. Wow. So you're hooking up. He's pulling on the wig. And sometimes it falls off. And sometimes it stays on.

But when the clips are on and he's pulling the wig and the clips are pulling the actual hair, does that turn you on at all? Or do you just immediately just start getting scared as fuck, like, here we go again. Yeah, you get pulled out of the experience, so you've got to just switch positions. So they can't even touch it. Does he pull, I mean, is it just doggy he's pulling your hair? That's usually when I have. That's usually. So are you doing lots of doggy style sex?

I mean, there's enough. It usually happens. I'm just curious. Like, do you have a lot of guys who are pulling your hair? I've, like, never gone for that move once. That's why you're engaged, I think. Jesus, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Well, because he's a gentleman. Wow. Jeremiah, you got to know it's one of the moves, dude. You got to get wiggy with it. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na. Na, na, na, na, na, na. Uh, na, na, na. Much catchier than you got to get hat with clips with it.

You got it. Get the wiggy with it. Oh, na, na, na, na, na, na. All right. So that's fun. All right, Courtney. Well, I mean, there you go. I guess you, I don't know.

You could take a lot of that shit and just fucking figure out how to wire it in there. Keep asking yourself questions about the wig, what happens when it comes off, this, that, and everything. Show the real emotion. Show the fear in the joke. That would be my advice. I like that you're pulling from real life situations that are awkward and self-deprecating.

A lot of people weave their personal life out of the stand-up. It's an extension. Does it sound too much like leave? It's an extension of your real self. That's funny. Hilarious. Michael Kosta with the alley-oop.

Have you been in a fight yet where the wig has been taken off and used against you and somebody yelled out, Worldstar yet? If no, do you want to be? I don't get a lot of physical fights. No.

All right. Well, there she goes. No. All right. Sorry. Well, there she goes. Courtney Banks, everybody. There she goes. A new minute from Courtney Banks. Na, na, na, na, na, na. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na.

Na, na, na, na, na, na. I got that running through the night. Wow. Dream weaver. Oh, they're still going. Wow. Dreamweaver. Oh, they're still going. Okay. And you have to pay for these music rights, right? Like, we just got Jiggy with it and Dreamweaver.

It's out of control. And Hotels Tonight. Wow. Alright. This is one of the people that have been on this show one time and I absolutely remember who it is. An unforgettable character. I'm so excited to have pulled her name out of the bucket.

Put your hands together for Aphrodite, ladies and gentlemen. The return of Aphrodite. Sometimes I feel like a marijuana-less child. Sometimes I feel like I ain't got no weed. Sorry, I had't got no weed. Sorry, I had to get it out. I'm actually having a birthday next Monday. I'm going to be 61. Okay?

You know, a lot of women won't tell their age. I don't know what the hell they won't tell it for. All you got to do is read the damn rings around their neck, and you figure it out. Just put 10 years to each ring, you see. And you know, that half is 40 years out. Oh, dang. Wow. Well, what do you do if you sing a ring and a half? Is that like 65 or, you know, whatever? You know, I'm really, you know, kind of nervous

going outside now because there's so much emphasis on having a butt these days and as you can see that's what real ass looks like. In case any of y'all don't know what it looks like, you know, in Hollywood you start not knowing what real ass looks like. Here, look again. Look again. Fuck yeah. A new minute from Aphrodite.

A new minute. She did 40 seconds. Her ass did about 20. Aphrodite, you have an amazing stage presence. The way you just come out, there was nothing funny about that song, but I feel like you connected with everybody somehow. You just have oomph.

It was because I saw a white Jesus walking around. It hit me like that. Fuck yeah, that's exactly how I remember you from last time. Pretty much the answers don't make any sense, and I love it. It's pretty much... I'm serious. I was just talking about that guy to a friend, and here he comes walking around floating and carrying a log.

You know, sometimes he's here, and sometimes you're sometimes he's here and sometimes you're just bombing and you see jesus i'm not kidding that has happened to me where he hasn't been here and i'm like i think i'm dying right now why do they call you aphrodite i don't get that well you know there's a white woman impersonating me and she spelled her name a-p-h you know r-o-d-i-t-y whatever the hell and anyway i just had wait wait wait wait wait wait wait there was a lady impersonating you yeah this white woman named aphrodite she's been impersonating me R-O-D-I-T-Y, whatever the hell. And anyway, I just had to bring it back. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. There was a lady impersonating you?

Yeah, this white woman named Aphrodite. She's been impersonating me all these years. You mean like... You know, she's a black woman. She's from ancient Egypt, you know? Yeah, okay. Aphrodite was black? She's a white, black woman. She's a white, black woman.

This is not my first time on this earth. Are you kidding? I know all these people. We all know this is not your first time on this earth. this earth are you kidding i know all these people we all know this is not your first time on this earth brian don't do that anymore all you got another one all you got to do is ax her see find a different song that's out of control it's so racist you know see see white people don't understand a lot of stuff you know like what tell us stuff Like what? It's hard to get a job I had to go last year and I had to follow my friend's advice

To get these don't be black pills I was having problems getting work Again, that was a totally different answer To a totally different question Maybe you were asked last week by somebody Don't be black pills? Don't be black pills? It's hard to get a job

You can be educated. You can be dressed all suave and everything when you go to the interview, and you're still black, man. What job interview have you gone on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Could you? Whatever, man. Oh, jeez. Wait.

Let everybody acknowledge how sad that is. It might have been because I smoked a joint at the interview. I don't know. You smoked a joint at the interview? It was an accident. It was an accident. It was an accident. It was an accident? Accidentally.

I got nervous, okay? I forgot I was in the middle of an interview. I'm sorry. I guess I might as well just let myself out. What was this interview for? I knew I wasn't going to get the damn job, so I just smoked a joint. How did you know you weren't going to get the job? Because I never got the other ones, man. It was all white people

interviewing me, you know? Alright. I think if I smoked the joint, maybe she smoked the beer. Well, I can tell you one thing on behalf of white people. Not too many of them smoke weed in a job interview. Well, they don't have to, man. Are you kidding? Even we can't get away with that. You keep laying out there in that sun, you're going

to wish you hadn't, you know? We can smoke a joint with that. You keep laying out there in that sun, you're going to wish you hadn't been, you know. We can smoke a joint with the person that interviewed us like right afterwards, but you can't smoke a joint. Okay, I'm going to ask you for the fourth time. You ready for it? You ready for this big one? Yeah, yeah. Let's see if it connects. Here we go. What was this job interview for? What was the job?

Clerical. I can type. Really? You can type? Oh, shit. You look like you can type You look like you're the boss At the DMV That's right I take no stuff from the white people Either okay just so you know

As soon as they step up With the attitude Excuse me I've been waiting here for an hour And what do you say I'm like get your ass back in line For real This is the type of shit you need to be talking about I've been waiting here for an hour, okay? And what do you say? I'm like, get your ass back in line, dude. For real. This is the type of shit you need to be talking about.

I got fired from that job. All right. Again, you just threw in a couple things that I have no idea what that added. Again, sometimes you just got to. This is like a choose your own adventure, except you never choose your adventure. She just takes you on a different adventure. Man, I'm from St. Louis, Missouri. I've been running from bullies all my life.

I don't know what to tell you. Yeah. What the fuck? Now, your daughter that was on before you had a problem with having hair issues. Is that a wig? Is that real? This is $29.95, and you too can look good in this wig, okay? $29.95. $29.95. $29.95, and you too can look good in this wig, okay? $29.95.

$29.95. Not even $30, people. How many payments has it taken you? Oh, you just paid one time. You can have one of these two, homie, the clown. $29.95. What's most beautiful about you to me is your confidence. You're just the fucking, you're the best.

Well, what the hell? When you're 61, you know what I'm saying? I fucking love you. I think you're great. I'm here to disturb all Americans. If you are actually smoking weed at a job interview, which I wonder if that's actually true, but if you are, at the very least, audio record this interview. I mean, at the very least, videotape this thing. That would be

fantastic. I actually smoked the joint before I went in, but I didn't put any perfume on, so I smell like weed. So why even wake up and go to the fucking job interview? I just want to aggravate America, man. Okay, perfect. Well, it just worked. I just got furious at you for no reason.

I mean, what the hell? I feel like she has a story in her book that's like, you ever been fired for having too much ass? That's right. It's better than getting fired for no ass at all. I knew it! Aphrodite, let me ask you a question, because that really is, you are definitely

packing heat there. That is really something else. I mean... Well, it comes from my grandmother. My grandmother was a little short lady. Half of her body was ass. So, it's astronomical that I have ass, okay? Oh, yeah. Your grandma? My grandmother, my father's mother, she was a little short

lady. She had no waistline. She was all ass. And she built the Underground Railroad. Oh, no. Whoa. No, she broke the Underground Railroad. She couldn't fit into the Underground Railroad. Harriet Buttman. You're talking about Harriet Buttman, right?

Your grandmother had the butt. Yes. And then what happened? Well, I grew into a butt. Does it skip a generation? Well, it didn't skip mine. Your mom had a butt. No, my mom.

I got the breasts from my mom. Oh, wow. Wow. And you got the dad from your butt. Got the butt from my grandmother. And that was long before they had these fake booties like they got now. Can you crush like Coke cans with them or anything like that? I mean, these girls walk around here now and their butts, it just looks like rocks in the back. It doesn't look like you can

touch it. I like trapezoid butts. Trapezoid? That thing is fucking unbelievable. Did you shit your pants? Is that what that is? That is unbelievable. Don't even start. It looks like you have a big ass

and you shit your pants after that. It just wasn't. You can see for yourself, honey. Oh, not only can I see, I can also smell it. Oh, you want to step outside? No, no, no. I do. I do not.

I do not. St. Louis and I, we will be asked. Tony Hinchcliffe died at 32, crushed by two black butt cheeks. He will be remembered for it. Yes, hallelujah. That's where Nelly's from. That's right. I was in his batter-up video.

That's why he always had to wear that band-aid. He was always getting beat up. You're in Nelly's batter-up video? I'm in it. I'm the only one with the big afro number 80. Get the fuck out of here. I'm very serious. I love that you felt the need to tell us

that you're the one with the big afro and the big butt. That's right. I'm the one that looks like this. Gonna represent. That's one of my favorite songs, actually. I love that. Don't fry in the kitchen. Please don't burn on the grill.

Oh, shit. It took a whole lot of flying. Just to get up a damn, damn hill. All right, there you go. I think you have your America's Got Talent audition tape from tonight all the way. You know, if I don't make it as a comedian, I'm going to start a church. You're going to start a church? I think you already did here tonight.

I'm pretty sure you're running this thing. Can you give us an example of what one of your cutting-edge sermons would sound like? Maybe. Stop hoeing! Stop that hoeing right now! Put your drawers back on! Good God Almighty, put your drawers back on!

Oh, hallelujah! Some of y'all been a hoe all your life. I want to let you know that Jesus can stop you from hoeing. Is there a donation bucket we can pass around?

Hell yeah! Hell yeah! Hell yeah! If I could just... Aphrodite? Because I'm fucking ready for that shit right there, bro. Hell yeah. If I could just, Aphrodite, could I get a receipt for this? It's called a church. Tax write-off. It's called a church of what's happening now. Well, there's actually, our friend Joey Diaz actually has a successful, very successful podcast called The Church of What's Happening Now.

Really? Yeah. So you're gonna have to think of a different name afro unfortunately religion is the way to get rich man you got a man or what you got a man or what i got a man yeah i ain't got a bitch do you need a second man yeah josh is asking you a question josh do you need a second man let me ask you a question my friend josh here need a second man? Oh, no. Aphrodite, let me ask you a question. My friend Josh here, this is his first time being on the panel of the show.

Oh, bless his little rotten heart. He is. He's a little baby. You know what I mean? What would you do to this guy? He's never been with a real woman before. Come here, honey. Let me.

Why don't you go give Aphrodite a hug? Josh, go give Aphrodite a hug. Here he goes. Josh Martin going in for the hug on Aphrodite. Come on, baby. Get up there. Jeremiah. Oh, he just took a shot to the nuts on that one. See, now you're going to be cool with all the white guys.

Seems like Josh's anaconda don't want none. There's been a lot of talk about your ass, but no one has ever brought up the six-pack you have on your back. Yeah. That's all right. Your brother's loving. Can't get enough of him. Hey, hey.

Found that 11, baby. She's got back abs. You guys went butts to nuts on that. She went butts to nuts with you. I think my dick just went inside my body. It should. It should. You know, your ass forced it inside me.

Aphrodite, I absolutely love you. I think you are cool as fuck, and I hope to see you more often, because pretty much everything's hilarious. You realize all this stuff that we talked about, you could do as jokes on stage, right? About your butt, about the sermon thing. I do a sermon, this and that. With

your energy, all that shit can kill. Thank you. I love that you're laughing like it's a joke, but I'm actually giving you tens of thousands of dollars worth of advice right now. You're blatantly ignoring it. What about the bill with my psychiatrist? That's the one I'm most concerned about. There's a different answer to a different question, and you did it again.

Aphrodite, ladies and gentlemen. Ow! Guys, wait, wait. Ow! I want to make sure we get it all. Anything else for Aphrodite? No, I was just going to say good luck with that job search. Oh, man, I ain't working for white people.

I'm heading to revolution, man. Fuck y'all. Shit. Hell yeah. Yeah. Kill whitey. You know what that means? Unemployment.

I think I've heard of this revolution. Fucking unemployment. Well, are we having fun so far, ladies and gentlemen? Wow. What a silly fucking show. Josh Martin. I mean, this is why you don't get asked to do the show. You just spilled water all over the fucking place.

Wow. On your new iPhone 7. There's water everywhere right now. What happened over here? It came. That's cum. Josh blew his load from Aphrodite, everybody. There is liquid all over your phone.

You're just ignoring it? Get the water off your phone. Did Aphrodite make you come, Josh? No, but Aphrodite, don't leave. I really need your number after the show. So let's do this shit. I think you just prayed to Zeus three times. She'll collect call you, Josh.

She'll collect call you. Which one was Aphrodite? What was she the god of? Does anybody know? I'm going to Google. Of what? She was the god of? Does anybody know? I'm going to Google. She was the god of dad ass. Yeah, boy.

She's god dad ass. Love? Aphrodite was love? Alright. She's on Twitter at Aphrodite, D-Y-E-T-E. Courtney Banks is Courtney Banks, just how it sounds. Goddess of love, beauty, pleasure, and procreation. This is a woman-heavy show. I just pulled another name out of the bucket. When I say woman-heavy, I'm not

talking about you, Aphrodite. That means I pulled yet another lady out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Lauren Davis, everybody. Here we go. Alright, we're going back to the bucket. Somebody missed their spot. That means they just got blacklisted.

A lot of women in comedy these days. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Guess what? It's a guy. Put your hands together for Mike Diaz. Mike Diaz, ladies and gentlemen. Come on, make some noise. Vegans are trying to take shit that isn't theirs again.

One of my favorite chains, In-N-Out, is under scrutiny right now. 10,000 signatures, everyone. 10,000 signatures to add a vegetarian option. Now, that's not what In-N-Out's about. If you read carefully at the slogan, In-N-Out is about hamburgers. If you want vegan options, I don't know. You can eat fucking Tom's Shoes.

Those are vegan. I don't know if you're into that stuff. Oh, fuck. I don't have anything else. Sorry. What? That's it. It was 29 seconds. You got something else. You got to get it. Okay, okay, okay. Get back into it, Mike. What? That's it. It was 29 seconds. You got something else. Okay, okay, okay.

Get back into it, Mike. Come on. All right. I have a lot of roommates, so I only jerk off in the shower. Things that suck about jerking off in the shower, obviously. If you don't bring your phone in, you're in there. You're trying to work for memory. Me, I haven't got laid in a while.

I'm thinking of past hookups. Only problem is those are when I was younger, so then I have to fight the battle of if I think that's statutory or not, thinking about it. Then after I'm done with that moral struggle, after I'm finished, the water shoots back in. I don't know if you know semen when it gets on something and water

goes on it. Keep going. It sticks to it. Go on. When semen and water collide, it kind of gets this sticky booger consistency. You're trying to wipe it off. And you're trying to fight that. And then you don't realize that it's still on your hand when you're trying to style your hair. It's a little on your forehead. There you go.

Keep going. I'm going to come. Keep going. I'm going to come. So, Mike, let's get into it. You've never worked sales before, have you? Huh? You've never worked sales before, have you? No? You've never worked sales before, have you?

No. Because you totally did not sell any of those jokes. Whoa! Oh, shit. I feel like he came in loaded with that one tonight. Yeah. I mean, you actually had material, but you just kind of went... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's probably brand new. Mike, how long have you done stand-up? Almost three months. There you go. Perfect. That sounds about right. In that case, you fucking shredded. The ultimate lesson is to not quit.

You quit 29 seconds in after doing basically nothing. You had 28 seconds of set-up, and then you said Tom's Shoes, and then all of a sudden, you got into something that only you can talk about, and you heard the tone of everything change immediately. Well, that's an old joke, right? The jerking off in the shower joke?

That's something that you already knew and had performed before? Yeah, yeah. Because it sounded to me like he got stumbled and he was like, okay, shit, I better go to something I already know before. But I like the Tom's Shoes reference. I just think you maybe thought it was going to be hilarious and it was okay. But that's a good lesson for everybody to learn.

Fucking hit your Tom's Shoes joke and then have nine other things to say after that. But once it didn't really land, it seemed like, oh shit, I better go to Jericho. Don't just hit your Tom's Shoes joke and walk away. Yeah. You can't just go in and out of a joke like that. You have to really stay in the pocket and knock out some more beats to it.

It can't just be all that set up. You can't just say Tom Shoes. Anyway, I have roommates. Yeah, and Tom Shoes, it's not just a hat with clips on it. I'll consider that a callback almost. Sorry, that was a very specific old callback. It was a callback. Mike, let's talk about you.

You've been doing stand-up for three months. Like a typical person that's been doing it three months, you did the thing that you thought would be funny first, and then the thing that actually applies to your life second, because that's real to you. I've lived with roommates, so I know that that's real, because it is weird yeah because you do have to jerk off at some point so i guess to to further explain all

right go ahead mike yeah so i did the sorry i did the uh the the tom shoes joke because i thought it was short right and i wanted to try to stay in the 60 seconds well again you know you have you can't just throw one single punch you You have to double-double. You know what I mean? What the fuck? Come on, people! Nobody was there for me, huh? Y'all forgot. Not only did you stay within 60 seconds,

but you also fresh- cut fries? Was that, did I not draw a straight line to what I was? So I just kind of like. You have to absolutely commit. And you have to, like Brian said, you weren't really selling your punchlines. You have to drive through the punchlines. You understand?

You have to like, We can't really know. Hey, when you jerk off in the shower, is it animal style? You son of a bitch. You did it again. As soon as it gets loaded up. You see

where your possibilities are a little bit? I mean, you have a few more options in Tom's shoes. Okay, Joel, really excited. Obviously, he loves In-N-Out or something like that. Chocolate milkshake? If you say that three times, Aphrodite shows up again. If you say that three times, Aphrodite shows up again. Chocolate milkshake, chocolate milkshake.

Look at her over there. Look at that floating pink shirt out there in the corner. There's a shirt and teeth. I personally feel like the in and out joke, it seemed a little like, okay, I've heard that maybe before. The come in on the hand hair gel. I mean, we've all seen something about Mary. Have you seen something about Mary? That movie?

No. Okay. That's okay. Because you're not old enough. But that's like the biggest punchline of their film. Right. As it went on, it got worse. But in the beginning, it felt like what you were saying was really genuine.

And you were painting a picture that people that don't have roommates and don't live with just guys sort of don't ever get to hear. That's your perspective that's unique to everyone else except for probably every other comedian that's here. Gotcha. That has roommates. Like I know when I did it, when i had a bunch of guy roommates that's almost the right part for that but now when it's gonna lose its effectiveness perhaps later uh i would have to set up my phone right on a little shelf that was outside of the shower and it became like a whole fucking annoying thing that I had to do, right? Because then sometimes shit, you know, you got to go to another part.

They go into a boring position or something like that. And you're like, fuck. And then your hand's all wet. You're trying to like just get your index finger dry somehow to like. Yeah, you got to go. Yeah. Am I the only one that still jerks off with their imagination? I mean, is that because I'm 36 years old?

You have to look at the screen. What kind of imagination do you have over there? Willy Wonka 3D, this guy. Oh, no computer necessary. Aphrodite. So, Mike, let's find out a little bit about you. You've only been doing stand-up three months. We don't know anything about the real you

other than you live with a bunch of dudes. Where are you from? Apple Valley. Are we all supposed to know where that is? Fuck, you did this to me last time I told you. Apple Valley, it's about two hours away. I live in the Valley of Apples. You know about it, right?

It's where all apples come from. No need for me to say any more than just Apple Valley. It's two hours east if you're on the way to Vegas in the desert. Anyone in Orange County? No. Oh, Watermelon Hill? Which is, by the way,

where Aphrodite is from. Anyway. There's those teeth. We're still killing it over there. So Apple Valley, what do you do for work? Drive for Lyft right now. You drive Lyft? Yeah.

Hell yeah. Can't quite get up to that Uber status, huh? I haven't had my license in a long time. What are you doing? Smoking joints in your interviews? What's happening? I've only had my license for a year, and Uber requires three. What?

Oh, good. There's a strike against Lyft right there. Sweet. What? Oh, good. There's a strike against Lyft right there. So it takes one. You've only had your license for one year. Yeah. And Lyft is cool with that. Lyft requires one year and Uber requires three.

Okay. Wow. That's a good fun fact for you people to know. When you're saving that $1.50 on Lyft. So 17-year-olds can drive Lyft? Oh, no. You have to be over 21. Oh, okay.

Oh, okay. Well, that's good. I always like a driver that's old enough to drink. Anyway. You know we're all just going to go back to taxis after this, right? Like once Uber and Lyft, we realize how shitty they are. It is my favorite thing in the world, watching them all struggle and be miserable. I had some guy the other day. I went outside my hotel. I was on the road

somewhere and I go outside my hotel, ordered an Uber to come pick me up and there's one of those drivers there in a Lincoln Town Car and I had already gotten my estimate and he literally at that moment when you're just about to hit confirm he goes, you need driver? And I go, well can you

beat 25 bucks? And he goes, fuck Uber. Except that guy knows how to get there, unlike Uber. But it's a dying... It's all GPS. They got it. It's all fucking GPS. Mike, anything crazy ever happen in your Lyft?

And is there a reason? Not really. People have asked me if I had Coke before. Hey, Mike. I've asked if I've ever been robbed. Mike, you got Coke? You got Coke? No.

No. I'm only a Lyft driver. I'm a Lyft driver. Can't afford that. Screeching halt. I was doing a callback to In-N-Out. Coke. Catch up.

Apple Valley is more of a meth. More of a meth city? Yeah, definitely. You can definitely get some meth. more of a meth more of a meth city you can definitely get some meth do you have family members on meth no you made it out high on apples my family is from whittier

your family is chlamydian my family is from whittier my immediate family moved to the high desert I which is that area, Apple Valley, Victorville. I wish you were a little bit Whittier, Mike. Sorry. Stupid-ass joke. Okay, so you're working Lyft. The craziest thing is somebody's asked for Coke.

You can't do any better than that? The same person asked me if I've ever been robbed before, and then afterwards was like, oh, I've never robbed anyone. And then so I thought I was going to get robbed, but he didn't do anything. The same person asked me if I've ever been robbed before and then afterwards was like, oh, I've never robbed anyone. And then so... I thought I was going to get robbed, but he didn't do anything. That's some sex shit right there. What made him think all this stuff? Did you have white

powder on your lift mustache? Well, I don't know. I just... I'm leaving. I'm going to let you guys do the rest. Sons of bitches. Picture the fucking mustache. I'm leaving I'm gonna let you guys do the rest Sons of bitches Picture the fucking mustache Pink mustache That would be a great way to know which lift dealer was

Can you turn on mic up Yeah we need one I typically don't like when people wear hats On stage because you can't see their face But you're wearing it high enough up that maybe Can you guys see Mike's face okay You could alright so my advice is shitty. Okay.

You seem like someone that Tim Burton would fall in love with. Seems like he would love you. You're like a cross between Edward Scissorhands and Jack from The Christmas Thing. I love that Aphrodite laughed at that. She has no idea what I'm talking about there. Laughing at something from her set right now. It's just nice to have a performer

that I can actually look in the eyes instead of stare at their ass the whole time. Yeah, it's true. Mike, you have no ass. What's your love life like, Mike? I've had a girlfriend for three years. Three years? Yeah.

What's that like? It's cool. Three years? Yeah. Huh. What's that like? It's cool, you know. I don't know. Wow, you just turned into Michael J. Fox. Well, you just lost your girlfriend. Yeah. I think it's awesome that she lets you wear sweaters when you do comedy.

Yeah. A little Jeff Ross joke for you. Throw back. Shout out. All right. Anyway, Mike, tell us something joke for you. Throwback. Shout out. All right. Anyway, Mike, tell us something interesting about you. Anything crazy?

You're a yo-yo champion of the world, skydiving. Nothing crazy interesting, but I travel around the country playing video games competitively. Wow. That's pretty cool. Wait, like the Power Glove movie? Power Glove. Exactly like the Power Glove. Yes. So, Mike, let's get into it. It feels bad. What kind of video games are you playing? Super Glove. I like the Power Glove. Yes. So Mike, let's get into it. Feels bad.

What kind of video games are you playing? Super Smash Brothers. Super Smash Brothers. What is that again? It's like a fighting game. Wow. That's fucking awesome. Wait, Tony, you've never played Super Smash Brothers? No, I have a career. Anyway. Wow, I really walked into that one, didn't I?

Wow, I'm a real big idiot because I had a childhood with friends when I played Super Smash Bros. Son of a bitch. Yeah, Brian, nice job. All right. Do you ever get laid from doing you have a girlfriend I have a girlfriend yeah I can answer that question

not a lot of groupies going around in that scene there's no fucking smash sisters or anything like that there is a smash sisters but it's just for all females because they feel that they're like slighted in the community are there gender differences in video games but it's just for all females because they feel that they're slighted in the community. Wow.

Are there gender differences in video games? Of all the things in the world, it seems like women wouldn't be able to complain about video games not being equal. Yeah. Wait, so are there women's teams and men's teams? Well, there's normal tournaments, and then they have Smash Sisters events

where only women can enter that. Why? Are their fingers slower? Why isn't it completely the same? I mean, there's – Do they have slower fingers than men? I don't know. Yeah.

Yeah. I want you to figure this out, Mike. The next time you see me here – I'm on the case. That's a very interesting one. I want you to walk right up to me and tell me the answer to that. Pikachu, your character? Huh?

Pikachu, your character? One of them. What's your favorite? Ness. I don't know what that. What's your favorite? Ness. I don't know what that is. We got a big Ness fan over here. Fucking Kiel Uelberg, the guy that taped my one-hour special on Netflix, One Shot. Kiel right there, everybody.

According to a lot of people on Twitter that watch my special, they think he has Parkinson's. So he's the camera guy. Do they pay for your travel out to these festivals? No, no. I'm just like, right now it's out of pocket, but it's like a hobby right now. But sometimes you win

and you make money and sometimes you don't. Well, Mike, you're three months into stand-up. You know, you've got to plow through it. Stay in the pocket sometimes. Don't ever fucking, like, give up and bail out like that. Take that from tonight if you don't take anything else. It's like, you know, quitting is not an option. You can fucking suck ass until that cat goes.

You've got to do your time. That's, like, our only real rule. Yeah. You've got to do your time. Mike Diaz, there he goes, everybody. He's on Twitter at Mike Diaz Comedy. Ah! What? What? What?

It's crazy to think that there was someone that hadn't seen something about Mary, but when you're fucking 16 years old, you haven't seen it. You know what I mean? Yeah. That is crazy. It's crazy, man. When you watch something about Mary, maybe you'll be able to finally be an Uber driver. When a boy becomes a man. His idea of a classic is

Ted. Scary world. Along came Polly's, like his top three. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Jordan Bainey. So I suffer from black guilt.

Because white people can't say nigga. And I say that for everything. Well, they can't say it unless they have a black friend. Then white people can't say nigga. And I say that for everything. They can't say it unless they have a black friend. Then it's okay, I guess. But that's my problem. I'm not good enough to my white friends to allow them to say nigga in public. I'm a bad representation

of black people. Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder is a better nigga than I am. I'm like the Nicolas Cage of black people. Like, the more you see me, the less you want to. Yeah, man. I don't know. I'm kind of uncomfortable.

Now that I'm saying it out here, like, I don't think maybe I shouldn't say nigga in public. It's just not. I was kind of hoping there'd be more black people here. Because I'm starting to think maybe I need a black friend. Just someone to show me the ropes. Because the only three black things that come naturally to me are rolling blunts, being late to shit, and fucking white girls. But you're awful people.

You're terrible. But it's a mutual relationship because you use me to try to piss your dad off. And I try to use you to make my dad proud, but that's not going to happen. Ever. Fuck yes. Jordan Bainey, ladies and gentlemen. Hello. That was fucking awesome.

This is your first time on the show, right? How long have you been on stand-up? About four months. Awesome, man. That's fucking great. Super likable. Love the self-deprecation stuff. One fun note that I'd give immediately

is instead of saying that you're the Nicolas Cage of white people, you could just say you're the Woo. No. No. Yo, you gotta admit, that was great. You know what I'm saying?

I can't hear you. I tried, but I can't. When I say Nicolas Cage, I don't know what to say. You've got to set it up by saying, I'm the Nicholas Cage of black people, and then you say... No, you don't say that. Brian, people, please stop laughing at that fucking song. It's the exact reason why we're going to get eventually kicked off of iTunes or something like that. I'm going to get finally an actual real big job, and people are going to be like, well, look at this podcast that he did.

He plays slave music 273 times over 170 episodes. There you go. Thank you, Brian. What was the very first thing you said into the microphone tonight? Because I missed it. But I think it set things up. I suffer from black guilt. Yeah, see, I didn't understand.

I couldn't hear you yeah it happened quick it happened quick and you know you're doing one minute so it's like you gotta but i was for a lot of it i was like what was the fuck i couldn't hear what he said but that's that's very rarely gonna happen that you're gonna be called to stage to do one minute of stand-up comedy so yeah i thought you were great i guess you had something going on over here like an inside joke or something but uh i thought you were great. I guess you had something going on over here, like an inside joke or something. But I thought you were great. You're you're comfortable. You're telling stuff that's unique to you. A point of view that I can't share, which is why I know I'm saying that's good. That's unique to who you are. You got huge biceps. Yeah, I'm poor, man. I mean, the only hobby I can.

But you should definitely. That's funny. you should definitely be talking about your biceps. Totally. I thought about you. I was looking at your biceps a lot. Wow, look at that. Michael Kosta going to be using his imagination tonight. There you go. That would be, that's where it works best. I felt like Josh Martin riding Aphrodite back there.

Wow. She's into that. You were good. I'm going to fuck her so hard. Keep that sound going. All right. So let's get back into it, Jordan. First of all, I'm going to tell you,

I think it's so cool when you take the knee during the national anthem during those football games. Very brave. That's very brave. Super brave. It's a movement. and you take the knee during the national anthem during those football games. Very brave. Very brave. Super brave. It's a movement.

You're doing some amazing stuff. What do you do for work? I work at a cell phone store. Wow, what kind of cell phone store? I can't say. My roommate was actually on this show. You went on this show before? No, my roommate.

He works there as well. That's all right. You're black. We all know it's Boost Mobile. I was raised by white people, okay? But there was this crazy chick that she heard the podcast and sent it in to HR and he got written up about it.

Are you serious? No shit. She's actually a comic. I wouldn't do that. Boost Mobile. We can go with that. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah. My goodness. Just boost mobile. We can go with that. All right. So we know it's not boost.

Yeah, sprint. Must be sprint. That's the only. All right. Where are you from? Where are you from? I'm from Erie, PA. Erie, PA.

All right. Cool, man. I know about Erie, PA. I'll be there in two weeks. It'll be a junior's last lap in Erie, Pennsylvania. Really? So there we go. Wow.

Yeah. There we go. There you go. Yeah. I'll think there in two weeks. It'll be a junior's last lap in Erie, Pennsylvania. Really? So there we go. Wow. There you go. I'll think of you. So I know about Erie PA because I'm from Youngstown, Ohio. Erie PA is super white people. It's like white, white, white, white, white camping. It's like a lot of camping. Yeah.

We have them live streaming in right now. That's what it sounds like. That's the sound of Erie, PA. Lock Haven, Pennsylvania. You ever heard of that? Williamsport? Anyway, so back to Erie, PA. I don't need to know your suburbs. Well, Lake Erie caught on fire in the 70s.

It was so polluted it caught on fire. Yeah. And they didn't know how to put it out because it was a lake. Somebody's just saying the name of random counties in Ohio now. Were we supposed to shoot water? She said you were raised by white people.

Yeah, like really white people. Adopted? No, it was not adopted. I was abandoned by my black father. Oh, shit. Never heard of anything like this before. The way you just said it sounded racist. If you're ever going to play that racist...

It's very self-hating. You don't have to say black father. We just know. So you're a black body, but raised white. Yeah. Man, you must fucking hate yourself. It's complicated. Yeah, it's complicated.

There's a lot going on in here. Dude, this is a fascinating... I mean, if you're able to, you should 100% be talking about your history, and I'm sure you can, but again, you've been on stage for 60 seconds, so that's fascinating. I actually am white,

but my white father had to go play tennis. So I would go with him. He loved me. Everything's great. He's still alive. We're happy. Sometimes Mike's dad would go off and disappear and come back about an hour and a half later.

And have dinner for the whole family. Give everybody their allowance. Tuck everybody into bed. Read them a story. He would help me trade stocks so I knew what to retire in. This is a weird question. But you ever, because you have like really soft eyes.

Oh, Jesus. Okay. Like really soft. It really like sets me at ease, your eyes. And so I was wondering if you ever are talking to someone and halfway through you're just like, I don't believe what I'm saying right now.

Right. Do you ever not believe what you're saying when you're talking to someone? What the fuck? There you go. The ambassador of weirdness, Pat Reagan, holding it down. When things are rolling a little too smoothly and we need to completely hit the brakes on the entire show, nobody knows how to do it. Give everybody a nice breather.

Let you catch your breath before we get back to the funny. Yes, we'll say it happens. Then Pat Reagan. Yeah, you always feel like you're. You know what you remind me of? No, let's not do this, Jordan. Focus over here. Position your posture and ignore that mic.

Hold off. I think they're about to have sex. All right. Okay. Do you know that white lady, by the way, sitting over there, that when you were saying fuck them as a black guy just to make – Stop talking, Jordan. Stop talking.

Let me finish the question. You ready for it? That white woman over there, when you said, fuck white women to make their dad mad, she started clapping her hands. What? I can't hear what's happening in the show because you're beating a dead horse to

absolute death over here. Say it again. That's your dad. The guy with his hand over his face. Wow, you're actually here with your fucking family. That's incredible. Wait, but that's not the black boyfriend next to you. Is this your new boyfriend?

The white guy, right. What I've been getting at is you should have seen the look on his face when your hands were over your head clapping at getting fucked by a black guy. Wow, I don't think he had any idea about that. Did you know that she had had a black man inside of her before, sir? Did you know that? Or did you just find that out now?

Answer the question, sir. He knew? Of course he knew. The vagina was never the same. Blew it out. You mean because the black guy put a basketball in it? One, two, three. You're like, I fucking love basketball.

Wow, this show is off the tracks right now. How many fucking pages of sound effects do you have on that thing? Not enough. Too many. You're like best case scenario for a white girl because they can feel like they're fucking a black guy, but then if they fall in love with you, it's like, it's okay, he's actually white. Yeah. Exactly.

That's like my whole demographic. Yeah. I've noticed in a, I've noticed in a lot of the porns that I've seen that black guys always keep their socks on while having sex. Have you, is this, is this true? Oh, you're no socks already. You were raised by white people. Very good.

That's a sure tell. He's white because he's wearing boat shoes. These aren't boat shoes. They're Vans. Whoa. Whitest answer ever. I do own boat shoes. These aren't boat shoes. They're Vans. Whoa. Whitest answer ever. I do own boat shoes, though, so it's cool. I own boat shoes, yeah.

I own a boat. I could have assumed that. Fuck it. I feel like he might own a boat as well. I don't. I own a boat. Wow. I'm doing Kill Tony for free Peronis.

You think I own a fucking boat? So, Jordan, tell us something else interesting about you. Anything else crazy? What's your dick, white or black? It's like exactly what you would think. Exactly what you would think. Oh, okay. Perfect.

You're asking about my biceps, my dick. You sending a message here? Not existing dick. I see what you're saying about the eyes, Pat. Yeah. Has anyone made direct eye contact with this guy? So

who are you mostly attracted to? White women or black men? It depends. White women. White women or black women? Seriously. White women. Black women are just like, they're too just like, I couldn't handle that. Aphrodite, get him!

Aphrodite, you want to come rebuttal real quick? Come on up here. Come and get him, girl! Watch the sword. For the first time ever, a curtain call on Kill Tony Aphrodite, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, he's afraid. Look at him putting the white...

Wow, look at that. Look at those tiny white hands on her ass. Put the mic in front of Aphrodite for a second. I'm in love already. Oh, shit. I get the feeling with those type of weird sweatpants on, you could probably make him just cum in his pants, Aphrodite.

I'm not worried about his pants. Your baby would have the biggest ass and biceps of all time. Jordan, can you cosign for Aphrodite on a apartment that she's trying to get right now? A what? Nothing. Nothing, Jordan. It right now? A what? Nothing. Nothing, Jordan. Doesn't actually matter what it was. You just get the laugh and you bail out after that, Jordan.

Welcome to show business, my friend. Hey, Tony, you can't see what Aphrodite's hand's doing back here. Checking the rules. I do find it strange that only that side of the room is dying of laughter, and it ends right there. What is happening? It's black strange that only that side of the room is dying of laughter. And it ends right there. What is happening? It's black on black crime. So let me ask you something.

You said that you couldn't handle Aphrodite. What is it about Aphrodite that you think you can't handle? Just the attitude. She's just got too much. Like white women or just like, I'm sorry. Like, you know what? Like it's just. When she talks, put the mic in front of her mouth.

Don't worry about it, honey. I can be a white woman for a few minutes. Alright, well, things change. You've changed a lot in my life today. You were raised by white parents. I'm not trying to get all Freudian, but your model of a woman is a white woman. And this is a black woman.

Exactly. Aphrodite, what would be the first thing you did with this big ball of man, huh? Kiss. What's your first base? What's your first move on a guy? In his cases, he's more than qualified with these hot muscles. He would get licked from head to toe. Oh.

Wow. He would get licked from head to toe. Holy shit. You don't get that from white girls at all. You better hope he tastes like grape drink. Two-two. I'm going to have a nice time thinking about touching his hard ass tonight. Wow.

Jordan, has a girl ever licked your butt before? No, no, not at all. Would you like to try something new? I'm good on that. I'm good on that. I'm good on that. Sorry. Apologize. You should lick your Tootsie Roll.

I don't know. I think it's more of a... I think he's come a long way just the fact that I'm standing here, a black woman rubbing his hard ass. I think he's going to always remember that. I don't think he really has a Tootsie Roll. It's probably more the color of a payday. You know what I mean? Finally thought of it.

It took six extra seconds. Is there a color purple joke here that I'm missing? It's like a reverse blindside. All right. You're looking from head to toe. What second base do you have for a daddy? What would be your move after you get him all wet? I know he's qualified.

He's carrying the equipment, and I'm going to be doing a lot of screaming in joy, okay? A lot of screaming? So what, you're going to do your 60 seconds again after that? Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. He's worth it.

I think her screaming is just the hot flashes from menopause. Oh, yeah. I just want to be one of the black women on the planet to let him know that there's love for him with the homies. You know, we'll just... Oh, you're doing it again. You're doing your thing. The big trademark.

I feel like you don't even have menopause. I feel like menopause comes down with Aphrodite. You know what I mean? Like, you stop. You have menopause. No, no. No menopause? I have no trouble with none of that

No trouble You still get a period Who needs a period when you can be fucking I've never asked a 61 year old woman A question like that Do you still have your period I feel like I can get away with it with you Aphrodite I'm not going to lie

I have a period of smoking weed She doesn't have a period She has an ellipsis Come on Grammar I love this I love seeing this This is great

This is a good Let's see a kiss guys Let's see a deep Deep throat kiss You guys want to see a kiss, guys. Let's see a deep, deep throat kiss. You guys want to see a kiss or what? Here we go. All right. Yeah, let's do it.

Give them a kiss. Everybody, Aphrodite, are you getting shy on me? Yeah. Yeah. Look at that lipstick transfer immediately. Oh, my God. For you podcast listeners, they kissed.

His light-skinned lips just turned beet red. I can't believe that worked. His mouth looks like it's having a period now. And I will always love you. Fuck, yeah, you will. Oh, she's already clinging. Run. That's already clinging. Run. That's all it takes.

That's all it takes. I'm going to see you outside. That's all. I love your singing, Aphrodite. You're like Whitney Houston if she never took a bath. She's like Tina Turner. Thank you. Thank you.

Tell who the smartest people in the room are Who clapped at that joke Hey, I did my show last Sunday The Sunday before last Dolly Parton wrote that song Yeah, she did I used to watch her before anybody knew about that song Way back in the day I wanted to know how she got those big breasts

Alright, okay Aphrodite, I mean you're so fucking good That somehow you got back on this stage tonight I'm gonna send you both off Aphrodite, mean you're so fucking good that somehow you got back on this stage tonight I'm gonna send you both off Aphrodite Jordan Bainey he's Jordan underscore Bainey great stuff way to commit

you're the best great stuff dude way to go with it fucking kissed Aphrodite you literally just earned brownie points with me. That's really funny. I think he's going to walk straight into Sunset Boulevard. Just right in the middle of the street.

I mean, he already kissed a Mack truck. I don't know what else. That was great. A big Mack truck. A big Mack truck. I don't know what else. That was great. A big Mack truck. A big Mack truck. Very good. Double, double. Wow.

I've always said this. Sometimes you host the show, and when you see a name for the first time, you just sort of know that it's going to be interesting. This is definitely one of these names that I'm seeing for the first time. I'm excited to say it. More vowels than consonants. Yes, definitely. You are correct. Put your hands together for Bata.

Bata! Oh, Jesus. Hi, guys. Hi. My name is Bata. I'm from Mongolia So this is my first time, I'm a big fan of the show I'm from Mongolia and I went to Vegas a week ago

And I saw Cirque du Soleil And all the girls who are doing this kind of shit, you know, contouring They're all Mongolian. We export them to Vegas. Yeah, and I've seen a contortionist go real close from like this far. And she was doing this thing, you know, like a scorpion. Her head, her pussy was right here. It's very interesting. So as a man, I'm staring at her in a pussy.

And her eyes were staring at me. It was like very interesting. So as a man, I'm staring at her in a pussy, and her eyes were staring at me. It was, like, very embarrassing. She was asking, my eyes are here. I'm looking at your third eye. Yeah. And after that, I have a fantasy to have sex with a contortionist girl. Like this position, you know. Pussy right here, mouth here, you know.

It's like very close. All right. Thank you. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Wow. Bata. That's hilarious.

Bata. That is awesome. That was great. You're from Mongolia. Yes. And you said that you're a fan of the show. You listen to the podcast from there? Yeah, I'm a fan of Brian Redband.

Wow. You're the one guy that's been listening in Mongolia? Yeah, yeah. That is fucking amazing. We kept noticing one download in Mongolia. Way to not tell any of your friends the show that you love, by the way. Specifically, one download of Mongolia. We actually get downloads from North Korea, supposedly.

Yeah. Kim Jong-un. There you go. That's the one guy you know there. You just said it. Is this like you're doing an accent or this is how you talk normally? My English is not really good. It's good.

By the way, I'm a big fan of your barbecue. It's fake. Actually, by the way, I'm a big fan of your barbecue. Barbecue? Yeah. It's fake. Actually, it's fake. Yeah, all the Mexicans do it. How long you been in town? Whoa! Oh, shit. Man, I thought you were good before, but you just keep getting bata and bata.

Oh, thank you. Yeah. Nice. Golden pony, you're so good. So how long have you been in America? Eight days. Eight days. I'm going back tomorrow.

You're going back tomorrow? Oh, shit. Flying. Oh, you're going to fly? Yeah. Yeah. It's not fair because it's not his first language, so now I'm a dick.

How many languages do you speak? Two. Three. Yeah, Russian, English, Mongolian. Ooh, can you speak some Russian for us? Да. Как дела? Как дела, Антони, братан?

Holy shit. Что ты делаешь, а? Путин. Путин. Tell us something about Mongolia that is different than America Get into the real shit What's different than Mongolia in here to you?

So different because it's a very small population 3 million and a very big country big land and no stand-up comedy I'm like the first stand-up comedian there. Why don't you start one?

Yeah. Thank you. I think somebody's about to start his own empire over here. Well, yeah. Jung-Gi-San of comedy. Mongolian empire, you fucking... I like how he's... Oh, thank you.

Fuck, yeah. I like how he's the first Mongolian stand-up comedian. He's making his country very proud with having sex with third eyes and mouths in his first minute set in America. And by the way, you got to nail that line because it is so funny. Her pussy's up there. Her eyes are down there. I'm looking at her in the eyes. She's looking at me in the eyes like, hey, my eyes are down here.

That's the thing. It sort of came across, but if you nail that right, that's just fucking hilarious. Isn't the third... This is not sarcastic. Isn't the third eye an important part of Eastern philosophy? Asian culture.

Is the third eye in Asia also sideways? No. Fuck. You would think Is the third eye in Asia also sideways? No. All right. Fuck. You think they could drive better if they got three eyes? But, Todd, do you drive? What do you have?

I feel like you have a scooter, right? A moped? Mongolians drive good, but it's not like good roads here in America. Your English just got worse in the last 30 seconds. Something happened there. I'm sorry. So you really went to Vegas and you saw a Katorishness and stuff. That's cool. Where else did you go?

Did you just hang out in Vegas most of the time? Denver for one day. Comedy Works. I've been to Comedy Works. Oh, great. Denver. I'm going to do it right now. Oh, wow. It's my dream. Thank you, guys.

But I think... It's called respect. Learn some, comedians. Yeah. I think in Mongolia that means this place is made of shit. I mean, he kissed the stage. What's crazy is that next to Jordan, that's the second

dirtiest thing we've seen kissed tonight. Have you thought about going back and starting a comedy mic somewhere? In a hut or on a cow or something? Yeah. No, no. Could you go into

bars and ask them and doing shows? I actually do shows. You've got to go to all the different places. You've got to go to the Moon Garden, the Panda Hut, all of them. You know what I mean? You've got to go everywhere. We don't have pandas. You could do comedy, like, inside a bowl of pho.

Yeah. I know that's Vietnamese, but, yeah. Right. You suck, man. There's a white girl in the corner that goes, It's fa. Direction, excuse me. My great-grandmother is Mongolian.

It's called fa. In your country, and again, it's not sarcastic, in your country, are you, is one legally able to speak and say what they want and criticize the government, criticize... Yeah, it's very recent.

Democracy is... Like, 25 years ago, we were basically North Korea. It's very same. Everyone, one haircut. Wow. And I like that you've kept that one haircut that everybody in North Korea has. Yeah, it just goes with my head.

I would like the Mongolian cut, please. It goes with my head. So would like the Mongolian cut, please. It goes with my head. So you are able to speak freely, or you're not able to? Yeah, stand-up comedy is part of that, you know, free speech. And I'm developing a scene. You are? Yeah, and I have like ten guys now. Wow.

One first and ten guys now. That's great. Holy shit. Make sure you guys get on MySpace. That's how you really make it. Yeah. Yeah, I know it's MySpace. Do you have any special skills or talents?

Like what do you do for work in Mongolia? How do you make money? This, stand-up. You're making money doing stand-up because you're the only one. You're like fucking Richard Pryor out there. No, no, no. People's minds are blown. I barely pay my rent. How much is rent

in English, in American dollars? In English. What's your rent in English? No, it's low. Yeah, it's low. In American, how much ballpark? Like $2. Like every show, I get from each person $2.50. Okay. I'm trying to person $2.50. Okay.

So it's really cheap. I'm trying to figure out the economy there. So you get $5. No. No. How many people are in an audience in Mongolia? Audience, like weekly shows, like 30 to 50. All right.

Here's what I want you to do. You guys got to go to Mongolia. I would love to go if you give me some women. Here's what I want to happen right now. I want you to do a joke all out in Mongolian like this is an all Mongolian crowd. One short joke. Here he is.

Performing like he's in Mongolia. Put your hands together for Batah. Wait. Sorry, I was going to pass out 100 straw hats, but let's not do it. Let's just do our thing. Here he is. Bat-ta, ladies and gentlemen. Bat-ta.

Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta.

Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta.

Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta.

Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta.

Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta.

Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta.

Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta.

Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat-ta. Bat I'm from Mongolia, I'm from Mongolia. I just realized that the first time I saw a Mongol and you said words, it fucking killed. Do it again. Do it again. Just say some fucking shit.

Dude, but I got some advice. Next time you do an American show, just come straight out Mongolian thunder. Don't even hesitate. Do everything in Mongolian thunder. Don't even hesitate. Do everything in Mongolian. Never acknowledge it. Find a Mongolian word for stand-up because for some reason it seems like that's the only one. Abadi, abadi, abadi, stand-up, abadi, abadi.

It's like that's the only word that you've decided to keep. Abadi, abadi, abadi, New York Yankees. Dinner's ready. Look out, boy. Look out. Tony, I would like to see the last joke that he told the last 15 seconds, but in Mongolian. Yeah. What was that one about again?

Back out with the whole third eye thing. Oh, yeah, yeah. Can you do some of that in Mongolian for us, for the audience? Okay. There you go. Yeah. It's really hard, man. You need a translator?

No, because no one understands me. It's better to do English. One more joke in English. You're missing it. It's beautiful. It's unbelievable. You've got to picture it. The fact that we don't know what you're saying is unbelievable.

Just make fun of us the whole unbelievable. Act Mongolian, okay? Act Mongolian, Batal. Just make fun of the round eyes. You've been here for eight days and you think you're one of us? Just kidding. Alright, I won't make you do Mongolian anymore for some reason. It seems like it's making you uncomfortable. Yeah, it's making me

really uncomfortable. What do you say you just stay, dude? Fuck your green card. Let's do this shit. I live back there. I'm actually pretty sure he just lives in Koreatown. This whole Mongolian thing was bullshit. Yeah, I actually did a show to Mongolians here. A stand-up show. Oh, really?

Wow. That's cool. That is so cool. 30 people came in. But I want to tell you something. You're fucking awesome. How long have you been on stand-up overall? Three years. Three years. You. 30 people came in. But I want to tell you something. You're fucking awesome. How long have you been on stand-up overall? Three years.

Three years. You're creating a scene in Mongolia. That is unbelievable. Thanks for being a fan of the show. That's fucking awesome. Have those 10 people listen to the show so they can learn some fucking tips. Actually, American comedian came this June. Matt Davis.

Do you know Matt Davis? One of your Mongolian friends is named Matt Davis? No, no, no. American. He's from here. Oh, okay. He came and did a show. Like a stand-up, real American stand-up show. Gotcha. Or if you want me and Tony to come, we'll come.

Yeah, can you get us booked in Mongolia? We'd love to do a Kill Tony there. I'll give you a contortionist girl. Yeah. Do you think that sword would make it through customs? I guess not. It was so great. Any parting words?

Anything else you want to say? You're living your dream right now. You have to go back to Mongolia tomorrow. Anything else? Yeah, I really like the show. I really like what the Kill Tony is doing. You're going worldwide, and Joe Rogan and all those, you know, Dead Squad guys inspired me to do comedy. So thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, Batta. There he goes, everybody. Shout out to Dick Van Dyke. Come on, make some noise for Batta, everybody. Guys, going back to Mongolia tomorrow. Fuck yeah. Butta.

Been in America for eight days and he already speaks better English than Josh Martin. It's pretty incredible. I'm just going to move to Mongolia. I don't know. I don't know if I really liked him, but maybe I have a case of Mongolian beef. Yeah, I don't know.

I just couldn't believe it wasn't butter. Well, what do you say we get a couple regulars up here and then we'll go back to the bucket? How does that sound, everybody? Huh?

There's two young ladies that are comedians and they write and perform a brand new 60 Seconds every single week. Not easy to do. Pretty fucking hard, actually. And let's just get right into it. Your first regular going up, you know her from Kill Tony. One of our

favorites. Put your hands together for the great Vanessa Johnston, ladies and gentlemen. Jesus. Okay. Okay. I stopped eating onions. Thank you. Fuck onions. When guys eat my pussy, I want them to have tears of joy, not tears of sadness. Sour cream and onion only works of joy, not tears of sadness.

Sour cream and onion only works for chips, not dicks. That's what I've learned. Dude, everyone eats onions. Like, how did that happen? They taste like piss and broken childhood dreams. And they're everywhere. I was reading this quote by this ancient roman philosopher poet and in 99 bc he said one man's food is another man's poison was this the fucking guy that decided to start eating onions like he was walking and saw an onion on the ground covered in shit, and because he's a poet, he decided to eat it, like, ironically.

And then he... Damn, you are angry at onions tonight. Holy shit. I feel like at some point this week... Onions! I feel like an onion threw an onion at you this week. You are furious at onions. Who hurt you?

I love that. Did an onion at you this week. You are furious at onions. Who hurt you? I love that. Did an onion make you cry? Pat, you should just keep playing your fucking guitar and make your bad comedy. Oh, shit. It makes your bad comedy easier to listen to. And here we go. The rivalry continues.

So let's get into it. I'm confused. If you eat onions, does it make your vagina taste like onions? It doesn't help. It doesn't help. I have a serious problem down there. Eating pineapple makes your cum taste good, supposedly.

I eat pineapple. Asparagus makes your piss smell. I thought it was great hearing someone bitch about onions, good supposedly. I eat pineapple. Asparagus makes your piss smell. So I would assume I thought it was great hearing someone bitch about onions, which is, I believe, a vegetable. Yeah, it's not a fruit. A vegetable that I love made me laugh. The only thing

I would say is move the pussy eating stuff to the end of that and start with the Greek phylloxera. It just got so, to me, it got so eat my pussy immediately that I would have preferred to build up to that and start with the like Greek philosophy. It just got so to me it got so eat my pussy immediately that I would have preferred to build up to that. But you know. Yeah you got to build up to eating

the pussy. You know talk about fingering it a little bit or something like that. Yeah you know. Start with the breasts and then. And I you know sometimes when I chop onions to keep from crying I honestly wear swim goggles and that could be a funny thing to talk about from crying, I honestly wear swim goggles. That could be a funny thing to talk about if your boyfriend's wearing swim goggles while he eats your pussy out.

No, it does not work. It does not work because the senses are in your nose. Oh, did I not? So I know for a fact that goggles would actually just trap the tears inside of the goggles. Your goggles would slowly fill with water. No, I just love wearing swim goggles. Anyways, it supposedly does help. But anyways, I was very funny to hear you bitch about onions. I mean, I believe at one point you started the whole set with

fuck onions, which is just a funny phrase to hear. Sounds like a bumper sticker to me. I mean. What else is going on? Anything else interesting happening? Is there anything that you, on the contrary to this joke, if you're not eating things to make your pussy taste better, is there anything that you do eat to make it taste better? Pineapple.

Pineapple? Does pineapple make a woman's pussy taste better? What did you say, Pat? He said antibiotics. Again, we could all not do it at the same time. What is it? Antibiotics. But doesn't it hurt to put pineapple in your pussy?

I mean, listen, my boyfriend's black, so. It's crushed pineapple. It's crushed. Josh knows what he's talking about. He has a can of dole ready for his big night with Aphrodite. I've learned so much about sex. He's going to be basting

pineapple juice into that thing later on. Did somebody tell you that your pussy tasted like onions? No. I thought that was a little bit of a leap of faith. To know if that made your pussy taste like it.

Well, I dig girls and dudes, so I'm hyper-conscious of what pussy tastes like. Wait, what did you just say? What? Jeremiah's saxophone just grew four inches. It grew four inches that day. What, what, what, what, what? No, did you say I dig

girls and guys? No, date. Oh, date. What else? I feel like I'm in trouble. So then you must love Jeremiah. I mean, a dude with a Meg Ryan's haircut? I mean... But I don't really understand how you

dating either answers my question about does that make your pussy taste like onions. I researched foods. There was like ten foods that make you smell and taste worse, and onions was on them. Garbage made the list, too. You got that garbage pussy. Garbage was the number two. Am I wrong that the fact that she researched that is hilarious and she should also say that on stage?

You fucking Googled that? Well, she was trying to figure out why her pussy smells. I feel like number five was an ad for a Honda Civic. You know what I mean? Like one of those slide shows. I don't feel like it was an actual list. I feel like it's that click bait. Number six was

make America great again. Vote for Donald Trump. I feel like it was clitbait that you fucking pussy clickbait. Clitbait. You motherfuckers. You guys have no idea what it's like to be in a real writer's room. You understand that? Was that clitbait?

Clitbait, yeah. She said she saw a top ten list of things that make your pussy taste bad. Alright, fuck it. Thank you. There they are. There's that laughter. David Letterman would have been so much interesting if that was his top ten list. You missed

a couple words there, Josh. You gave it a shot. You committed all the way. Fuck all you guys. Wait, but I think before Josh said that he combs a lot during sex. Did you say that? Is that true? No, I don't comb a lot.

I comb quick. Oh, I thought you, like, said that, but nobody heard. I was like. Don't confuse a good thing for a bad thing. All right, Vanessa. I mean, you know, you got to get into it and take the notes and figure, Vanessa. I mean, you know, you gotta get into it and take the notes and figure it out and cover it, you know, any way

you feel necessary. Let us know that you researched it because that would give it some credibility, in my opinion. And some layers. Also, go see a doctor. That's a good onion joke. Fuck yeah. And then in no time, that joke will be blooming. You know what I mean? So stupid. This is a special, like, this is an episode that even five-year-olds would like.

I think she's waiting for a ring from her boyfriend. A Nuva ring. No, an onion ring. I don't think. An onion ring. Brian, did you not realize what we've been doing this whole time? How do you say Nuva ring? Oh, I got one.

An onion ring, Redman? Oh, I got one. Nuva ring. I got an onion joke. NuvaRing. I got an onion joke. NuvaRing. I think I got this, guys. How come you never play a sound effect when you fuck up, by the way?

Where's the horse of truth on that? There you go. Vanessa, we love you. Another brand new minute. There she goes, Vanessa Johnston on Twitter at Vanessa Johnston. By the way, I forgot to mention for any diehard Mongolian fans that Bata is on Twitter at B-A-T-B-I-L. Am I right, Bata? B-A-T-B-I-L-E-G, right?

Comedy. So one more time, That's Bat Billig Comedy B-A-T-B-I-L-E-G Comedy Makes perfect sense, Tony Yeah, totally It's like Trump Makes perfect sense Folks, we're gonna win so big, folks

That was interesting If onions would make your pussy I mean, that's Ladies, did you know that? Oh, shit Aphrodite That was interesting, if onions would make your pussy. Ladies, did you know that? Oh, shit. Aphrodite. Why did I do that? I took Aphrodite as the kind of lady that eats an onion like most of us eat apples.

You eat garlic? That makes your pussy taste good? No. I know girls that put garlic in their pussy to make their pussy better. That's not garlic, Brian. That's gonorrhea. Nubering. All right. So that's our one regular. We have another regular. She was on the show for a couple months,

and then they didn't allow people under 21 to perform here anymore, so she waited until she was 21. She went and performed everywhere multiple times a night. She's a fucking hustler. One of the top rising comedians in the game, in my opinion. And she's here with another new minute. Put your hands together for Allie Makovsky, everybody. Thank you.

I normally, I like to wear graphic tees because it's like, hey, you don't have the internet? Let me bring the meme to you. Add to Google what color shirt goes with acne the other day. Turns out any low-cut top. No one's looking at your face when your tits are out.

I don't think I'm a feminist, dare I say, because I think it comes with too many perks. I work at a restaurant. My male co-workers don't make any more than me. It's pretty much the same. The only thing... I don't work at a job where my male co-workers make more. They just offer me back massages.

And sometimes I take them. I showed up 30 minutes late to work the other day and my manager let it slide because I was wearing a revealing shirt. It was a day that my acne was bad. So, thank you. Fuck yeah! One of the hardest gigs in the world. Writing a new minute. Most comedians are way off pace on that.

Somehow, ever since you've been back, you've been on a tear. You're probably one of the only people in the history of the show to actually wire in a callback in 60 seconds. Wow, that was so funny and well-crafted and thought through and fantastic. That was great. I love it.

Yeah, you're doing it. You're in it. Self-deprecation's there. It's all real to you. You're hitting every single thing. I just wish your acne was bad today, if you know what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah, I want to... I want to see a day

when you have bad back knee you know what I mean you're just like fuck it I'm going no pants by the way that's an awesome tag to that joke that only you can do so take that don't forget that what was it back knee and then you don't wear pants

thank you I know I just said that seven seconds ago can I have a crown and coke thank you what else is going on I know I just said that seven seconds ago. Can I have a crown and Coke? Thank you. What else is going on? That joke was so good. Tony wants an alcoholic drink after this. You know what?

I'm going to celebrate with a crown and Coke after that joke. That's it. That's pretty much it. Can I get a whiskey ginger? That was funny. It was great. Fuck yeah, you can. It was, you know, I think one thing everyone always does when they write comedy,

myself included, is we forget to write what's personal to us. And, like, it seems so obvious, but those are jokes that a lot of people in this room can't do that only you can do, and it just worked. It worked. I loved it. It was great. You're welcome. It's really awesome.

Anything, Josh, anything for Ali Makovsky, one of your favorite human beings? Do you like a David Letterman reference? No, I'm good on that. No, it was funny. Alright, there you go. It was funny. It was okay. Real Simon Cowell of comedy over here.

Does it say if you have bad acne to wear? I mean, if you Googled that, was that just a written joke? I did actually Google what color shirt. I like Google a bunch of things and that was something. Oh, you Google a bunch of things? I Google a bunch of stuff and that was one of my Google things. What was the search? Like what did you search?

It literally was what color shirt goes with acne because I thought that there would be like a color palette where if I'm wearing like a green shirt, it won't make my face look as red as red right because I don't want people to think I'm blushing all the time right some guy I'm so annoyed okay so I'm making out with this guy the other night and he was like oh okay he was like have you been tested and I was like yeah and he was like I'm really afraid of herpes and I was like it's not And he was like, I'm really afraid of herpes. And I was like, it's not herpes, it's acne. Like, stop.

It's so annoying. Have you been tested? That's also another thing I Googled. I Googled how to tell if you have herpes or just like ingrown hairs. They taste different. What was the verdict? There you go. One's an open sore.

One's an open sore. It's just some ingrown hairs. But 80% of people carry the herpes simplex, just so you guys know. Just some ingrown herpes you found out, right? You doubled up. Yeah. All right, Allie. Well, I mean, you fucking did it.

Another brand new minute. I mean, you're absolutely killing it. You're on a hot streak. There she goes. Allie Makovsky. I'm telling you. Silverman. Schumer.

Look out. Seriously. You people better fucking look out. She's 21 and she's coming and we've already seen her kill. She's going to leave us soon. No, don't say that. She won't leave. She's got terrible acne.

She'll stick around. What do you guys say we go to the bucket one more time and finish this show? I already pulled a name out, so it doesn't even matter if you applaud or not. I pulled a name out. Again, this looks like a new name. Here we go. Put your hands together for Adam Carr. Hey, what's up?

All right, my name's Adam. I'm one of the few straight guys who enjoyed doing musicals growing up. This earned me the nickname Not Gay Adam. Or as a good gay friend put it, they had met straighter gays. I still, I go with that one. I broke up with my girlfriend. Her name, her nickname was Virgin Lupus. Virgin Lupus, because she has lupus and wasn't.

And we broke up specifically because she had a favorite movie that she loved to watch again and again and again. It's the Audrey Hepburn classic, Wait Until Dark. You heard about this one? Yeah, I hate it. Here's why. It's based on the principle. In the film, Wait Until Dark,

Audrey Hepburn plays a blind person, and these thieves are going to break into her house and steal shit, and they wait until dark to do this. And I was always like, wait until she's blind. Cut the crap. Let's just call the film. Any time will do, all right?

Sick of this shit. Nailed it. Look at that. Exactly. Adam, let's talk. Oh, my friend Adam. These are all facts about him. That's great.

That's great. They are. They have a song about Adam. What a specific last joke. Huh? It was an Aubrey Hepburn film. So specific. You're talking about this film?

Again. So specific. The Lyft kid won't get that. It's really good. It came out in the 60s. So, like, it's a long time. No, no. I believe that it's a movie.

I love that. I know I was saying to that kid before, you were talking about something about Mary. Something about Mary. He didn't even, yeah. I mean, I will say this. Normally when someone makes a joke about a reference that I have no idea about, I hate the joke.

But that, I didn't need to, it was funny. I liked it. Hepburn sounds like a new ST joke. It was funny. I liked it. Hepburn sounds like a new STD. Adam, let's find out a little bit about you. This is your first time on the show. First time? I'm so excited. I came with my friend. I'm actually from Cleveland.

Thank you. That's something I'm proud of. How long have you been doing stand-up in Cleveland? I didn't do stand-up in Cleveland. I came out here about 12 years ago. I went to UCLA and studied acting long have you been doing stand-up in Cleveland? I didn't do stand-up in Cleveland. I came out here about 12 years ago. I went to UCLA and studied acting. How's that working out for you? It's going well.

Pretty good? Yeah, yeah. 12 years ago? Just 12 years ago. We know you just switched from Verizon to Sprint, which is pretty crazy. Nobody saw that one coming. You really stabbed them in the back. A couple rough years in the transition.

It's kind of tacky, that whole commercial, though, right? It is interesting. Adam, I feel like we're dressed to go on the same audition today. What the fuck? We're both going out for the same role. Khaki's black jacket. And then I wear these just in case. They always ask you to take the glasses off.

Whoa. Wait, wait, wait. Do that again. Whoa. That was impressive. Hey, Tony. Whoa. That was impressive. Awesome. I feel like he's, you know those teen rom-coms where the pretty girl takes off her glasses and then there's a bet surrounding her.

I feel like that's Adam. Except he becomes slightly uglier. Adam, what's your love life like? Yes! Take off your glasses slowly. Yeah, take off the glasses slowly. And do it in Mongolian. This summer, Adam, Pat, and Jeremiah are going to kiss.

Let's see how not gay you are when Pat goes in for the kiss right now. Let's see if you're really not gay, Adam. Pat will do it. He's curious. Too bad that jacket is still from Wilson's Leather. So, yeah. I forgot about that place.

From Cleveland. That's like a prominent... Adam, what do you do for work? Acting, but how do you actually make money? about that place. From Cleveland. That's like a prominent... Here we go. Adam, what do you do for work? Acting, but how do you actually make money? Exactly, yes. I bartend at the Geffen Playhouse

in Westwood. If you've ever come by to see a show there, it's a wonderful place. How long have you been in a Smash Mouth cover band? That's why he's the newest paid regular, motherfuckers. There it is.

There it is. Get him out. Get him out. Miniature Ben Affleck. Something else. Once told me the world is gonna roll me. I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. This is an expensive episode.

She was looking kinda dumb with her finger and her thumb This is an expensive episode. All right. Come on, everybody. Well, the A's suck. I mean, they don't suck. I'm a temp to the rules, and I hit the crowd running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb. So much to do, so much to say.

Oh, stop it. We're taking the back street. You never know if you don't go. We're a rapper, never shine if you don't glow. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get the gun on. Fuck yeah, that

four-second delay that's haunted the entire episode. That's pure cocaine. That was pure cocaine right there. That was bridled enthusiasm. Adam, so you've been in, you work at a playhouse, you've said you've been in musicals

your whole life, but not gay. Right? Never curious? Never tried anything? Because I would guess that working in musicals, there's been a lot of guys trying to make a move on you. Well, I did them in high school and camp, but I actually went to study... Oh. Not gay, Adam.

Oh, not gay, Adam. All right. Adam, what was the answer to the actual question that I asked you? The answer to the actual question is I just did musicals growing up, like in high school and stuff like that, in college, and now it's mainly just been stand-up, and then I write for a new comedy series that's online Facebook and YouTube it's called the cool room oh cool it's on the internet it's on the interweb the worldwide interweb what's it called again what what's it called again it's called the

call room it's about telemarketers working for a non-profit theater based very closely on my life wow I ain't no telemarketer there's been a lot of people. So we just go to theinternet.com then? If you go to theinternet.com, AOL, you hear that noise, that means you have service. And then, yeah, it's around Facebook. Adam, tell us something fucking crazy that's happened to you in your life that we wouldn't expect from such a goody-two-shoes type of guy like yourself. Come on. Let's get into the real fucking nitty-gritty. Don't be shy.

Okay. When are you going back to Cleveland? When am I going back to Cleveland? Yeah. Let's hear. Usually like around. Come on, let's get into the real fucking nitty gritty. Don't be shy. When are you going back to Cleveland? When am I going back to Cleveland? Usually around Christmas. You live here now. I live here. I recently learned a lesson.

Women don't like being shushed. Especially mid-climax. I know. Last weekend I was having brunch. Brunch, to me, is the new trait. Is that what you call eating pussy?

That's what I call it, yes. Waffles. I was having brunch. Still not gay, guys. Still not gay. I'm eating this chick's dick out. Not gay. The balls are right on my forehead. Just having some sausage for brunch. Let's hope she wasn't having

an onion omelet. I played with her onions. Onion omelet. Let him finish the brunch story. Come on, keep going. So anyway, I always do that thing that's like the test, where you do a little physical contact, and then if the girl goes, hey, what are do that thing that's like the test where you do a little physical contact

and then if the girl goes, hey, what are you doing? You're like, oh, nothing. I was just reaching for a napkin. But if then she doesn't really say anything, then you kind of know, oh, we can keep kind of going. Wait a second, wait a second. So you're still having brunch? Inside.

No, we didn't do this at the brunch. This is very bizarre. So you're just finger chicks? No, no, no. Inside the mind of a dag rapist. So you're just finger chicks? Inside the mind of a dag rapist. So you know, we're sitting there eating some lunch.

You know, there's the thing where if the napkin happens, you can start fingering her, right? You know, just a typical brunch. No? Just me? I'm the only one? Anyway, Audrey Hepburn, good night! Adam, okay, so you're still at a restaurant. So we're still at a restaurant.

Okay, napkin, what the fuck did you say? No, no, no, so, no, that's the, it's the test, I call it, where you kind of, you generally touch a woman's ass. The test that you always fail, because there's no way this ever works. Exactly, no, no, so anyway, you know, she was a little older, 41. I'm 30, so I was excited. Oh, hello. And yes, yes, quite mature. 82, I broke around the nursing home. Now I understand the brunch part.

She was 61. 41-year-old lady, you know, having tea and crumpets with my new date. You know, just found her on old Tinder. She was 61, had a 29.95. We're sitting there eating Bob Evans biscuits and gravy for brunch. She paid for the meal with her AARP card. Typical 41-year-old brunch. Some Bob Evans, the biscuits, the bowl of gravy.

Send me home with leftovers. Anybody who knows what a Bob Evans is should be dying right now, by the way. You should literally be sweating. It's a big Ohio staple. It's a big Bob Evans. Yeah, very good. I mean, you're from Cleveland. There you go. That and Cracker Barrel.

Very good, Adam. You're not going to get any more points. We understand you're from Ohio. You've already said it. Okay, so you're at brunch. Something about a napkin. Let's try to get it again. She's 41. You have a napkin in your hand. You put it on her lap? No, no's 41. You have a napkin in your hand. You put it on her lap? No, no, no.

My test is you do the physical test. And then if the woman allows you, then you keep going. If she goes, what are you doing? You go, oh, I was reaching for, is that your napkin? That was my napkin? It's a bit. Oh, get the fuck out of here. You kind of just, it's, I know, I'm so classy.

And if she picks up that it's a bit, you get out your chloroform and you put it in there. There's the rape dolphin. There's the rape dolphin. Look out. The rape dolphin has peaked its head out of the water. Oh my god. It's aggressive today. So let me get this right,

because I really want to make sure that I understand exactly what you're saying, Adam. And I can tell that you've started sweating at this point. So just relax. Keep breathing. Very oily skin. I had bad acne in high school. Very good, Adam.

Stick with me over here. You got it. So the nap, are you sitting next to her or across from her? I'm sitting next to her. You sat next to this 41-year-old lady. Oh, yes. There you go. Where were you?

Glad I didn't have to say myself. Oh, we were at Beachwood Cafe. Beachwood Jam? Sure. Oh, fuck yeah, getting some of that Beachwood. Yeah. Okay, so let me get this right. You have a napkin on your lap?

No, I mean, yeah, sure. You just gave four no's and two yeah's. I don't know, what's your action? Do you want to phone a friend on this one, Adam? Is the napkin, is your napkin... I wanted to pull the audience. You are out of control tonight. Okay, so...

Brian took an extra Adderall tonight. Yes, he did. Okay, so you only get one answer on this one. Is there a napkin on your lap already? Yes. For some reason, I hate that wolf, by the way. I don't know why, but I hate it. Okay, so you have a napkin on your lap. Does she already have a napkin on hers? For some reason, I hate that wolf, by the way. I don't know why, but I hate it. Okay.

So you have a napkin on your lap. Does she already have a napkin on hers? Yes. Okay. Let me ask you this. Did you guys already order drinks? Is food already there? What part are we talking about?

Is this early on? And this is a first date. Am I correct? This is a first date. And it's a brunch. And it's a brunch. Okay. So is this before you order drinks, after you order drinks, before you order food, or after you order food, or after food's already come?

Hit me with it. I'm proud to say there was no alcohol involved. I'm not asking about alcohol at all. I'm asking about the order of brunch. The order of brunch? She's 41. I know. She's having an Arnold Palmer.

This is right before the food got there. This is pre-food. Okay. Post-drinks. Okay. Now let's get into it. Got it. You reach over. This is pre-food. Okay. Post-drinks. Okay. Now let's get into it. Got it. You reach over and you grab her napkin.

Right. Yeah, we kind of start, I start doing a little, you know, how's your father? What the fuck? Dead. Her father's dead. Wait. Is that drooling? You mean you asked her what her father does?

Exactly, yes. Mid, you know, just a little, you know. And then she starts, you know, getting gracious. Okay with it. Good gracious? Yeah, she was okay. She passed the test. You reach for the napkin, and you sort of grab her leg like, oh, is this

my napkin? What exactly do you say? Sounds like you fingered her at brunch, is what it sounds like. Yeah. It was kind of a, yeah. I started offering a massage and the massage slowly started turning into something. I know. Are you serious or are you

fucking with us? No, I'm really serious. So you start massaging her thigh. What do you say? I started with a back massage. You started with a back. That's how I really started. And then I made my way down. Did she have a wet napkin? Has no one else here been to Beachwood Cafe brothel? You get the five-finger discount on Sunday brunch.

My fantasy is to take you out to brunch. That'll be $200. Did you finger her? Very good question. to take you out to brunch. Did you... That'll be $200. Did you finger her? You know... Very good question. But believe it or not, Pat, I was working my way up to that one. Pat, I wish you were...

I wish you were moderating the presidential debates. Have you fingered your daughter before? So did you finger her? Did a finger go in? Not at the table. Not at the table. Not at the table. But we were dangerously close. What was she doing?

Did she start grabbing your little fucking boner? My boner. Did she? No. No. What was she doing? Rubbing your thigh? She was enjoying the moment.

She was eating eggs Benedict. I was looking for an Eggs Benedict joke. I'm so funny. Pat Reagan. That's my boy, Patty Reagan. Wow. So, okay. You finish a brunch.

You pay for it yourself? You go 50-50? I paid for it. Ooh la la. I mean, at this point, you've already fingered her. Might as well split it. No, no. The whole reason you buy it is so you can finger fingered her. Might as well split it. No, no. The whole reason you buy it

is so you can finger her. Hey. Yeah. So... Time to end brunch and time to munch. Holy hay, dude. That man keeps doing it, man.

So where do you take it? Back to your place or her place? No, no. See, my place is kind of an interesting situation right now. See, I live with my wife. He lives with his boyfriend. His boyfriend, he lives with his wife. Let me guess.

One of the guys that lives in your apartment has been jerking off all over the shower and created a weird atmosphere. Now, what's your living situation? Well, see, for a while I was splitting a room with a friend. You've never seen the show Dexter. Yeah, exactly while I was splitting a room with a friend. You've never seen the show Dexter. Yeah, exactly. I was splitting a room with a friend, right? And we wanted to save on some rent. So he stayed on like a futon mattress. Not like a bed, but like just a

mattress. Like we folded it over like a giant... No, we gave it a futon. Got it. No, okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, I think this is different. You're saying that it was an actual mattress that you just bent, it seems. Is that what you're saying? We bent it over. So it's an actual mattress pushed up against a wall.

See, yeah, that's much shadier than what I thought. I'm sorry. You can't call that a futon. You were right to ask a follow-up question. Yeah, it sounded like... For a second I'm like, well, no fucking way he's pushing a mattress up against the wall. But let me check. Just in a

2% chance that you have a mattress shoved up against the wall in the shape of a couch. And that's what you were calling a futon. That, my friend, might be the saddest thing I've ever heard. Mattress futon? Much different than futon mattress. You start

describing it to people. What's your living room like? Well, I have a futon. Oh! Why is he crying? Keep going. What happened to the futon, though? Son of a bitch. Why do you have just a mattress and not the futon?

We had to get rid of it because there wasn't enough space in the room. It was too huge. It was literally from like the 80s. At the end of this, he's going to kill himself, everybody. It's a big climax coming at the end. Keep going. So she walks in and she's like, I'm 41. I can't be hanging out in this kind of lifestyle.

She starts puking up eggs all over your living room. There's fucking French toast, a bunch of fucking, you know, you guys were about to have brunches of fun, and now all of a sudden you've been cock-blocked by a mattress that's sort of doing a half-smile at you against the wall. We didn't go back to my place. I just said it wasn't an option. Oh, okay, perfect.

Anyway, where'd you go? Let me guess, let me guess. You drove her up to the Hollywood Hills and just went to somebody's hot tub. Fuck! I'm so fucking good at this! Jesus fucking Christ! What the fuck have I done? That's enough, Adam. I've heard enough.

It's not really going to get any better than that. Okay, no, let's finish it. What happened then? No, no, so we drove up and it was that... Wait, you really did? Wait, you drove up where? We just found a place. Wait a place. Wait a second.

You're telling me that this episode has actually come full fucking circle? From the beginning, from the first comedian, you drove this 41-year-old just up in the hills? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Oh, my God. This is epic. Brian, get that hotel sound again.

It was. It was. Courtney, the first comedian, got driven up in the hills. Are we figuring out that it was... Is Courtney 41? All right. She is black. So you drive her up there. She's 41.

She's all like, do you even have a license? And you're driving up the hills all swervy. Pull over to make out point right over there. I'm sorry, Adam. You're going to have to pull over. I have to pee. This was like a week and a half ago where we were going through that big heat wave.

It was so freaking hot. Everybody was getting hot and sticky. Especially up in those hills. Those hills are alive. Anyway, I put the top down. I have a convertible. You have a convertible? I do. Awesome.

And we just... Is that what they call a segue these days, Adam? Fucking love Michael Kosta. Do you know you can trade in the convertible for a futon? You can just give the car and they'll give you a futon.

Fuck yeah. Josh, in the final hour. You get a full futon. With seconds to go in the show, drops the killer line. Overtime. Man, I really walked it out of the pocket at the end there. Home won. Adam, so you drive up in the hills

at this point she's having a heat stroke getting dizzy what goes on tell the truth what happens we hop in the backseat and it's next to this house but there's like a fence and there's a bunch of moss and burn wait you had brunch this is during the day this is during the day

and the top is down and you're in the backseat of a car this is un-fucking-believable. But I'm going to let you finish anyway. I wouldn't believe this if this was happening in a comedy movie. Why would you put your top down? Completely retarded.

Putting the top down completely defeats the purpose. Because he was driving the TMZ tour van. Where Where the fuck are these struggling network executives in show business? This is the greatest show in the world. Keep going, Adam. We're almost done. I don't know when we're going to finally hit this. Right.

Well, the girl you're with is already over the hill. So at this point, is that too good for you guys to laugh at? Is that the problem with that one? All right. I'll stupid it up on the next one. Adam, this is so fun. I get to say two words at a time. Yeah. So then we drive some.

Come on. Jump in the back seat. Gotcha. I'm going to town, Hunter. What does that mean? Does that mean you're going to town? What does that mean? What town are you going to?

Are you going downtown? Uptown? Slow town? I'm going to Oral McGinnis town. Wow. Oh, Town Wow Fuck yeah Said like a guy that works at a playhouse I'm going to Oral McGinnis You know who that is?

He was one of the first playwrights Oh no? Alright Kids are playing in the background This is unbelievable And it was the Hanson brothers, strangely enough. I'm trying to focus as hard as I can, and she is being as loud as possible,

which is, I'm just kind of like, is she not realizing where we are right now? So she just keeps going like, uh, uh, uh! And finally, I just go, shh, the kids. And she looks me right in the face and goes you just fucking ruined it for me this is why I never do brunch.

Is this why you're gay now? I'm pretty sure you're now gay, Adam. Not gay, now gay, Adam. Imagine that. After all that, she's a psychopath. Yeah. A chick that'll fucking go from brunch to letting you eat her pussy in a convertible daylight kids out playing in the Hollywood Hills like way out of your element.

But we don't want to bring this girl back to your apartment because she's a classy lady. Right. I can't take this 41 year old pile of trash back to my place. A type of chick that'll let me eat her pussy 45 minutes after meeting her and buying her sausage biscuits.

While eating her pussy, did you know that she ate onions? Actually, she specifically requested that once her chicken salad had come, that it go back because she's actually allergic to onions. Wow. Did you take a moment to toss her chicken salad

when you were in the... Was it Vanessa? Oh, Jesus, look out. Are you the black boyfriend Vanessa's been talking about the last couple weeks? She meant black jacket, but I went in like... All right, Adam.

So wait, you know what? I'm sorry. Go on, Josh. Have you ever thought of eating a 61 year old black woman's vagina? Vagina. Have you ever thought about eating a black woman's 61 year old v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v Vagina. Okay, Adam. She says you fucking ruined it. What do you say exactly?

I'm like, I'm sorry. It's just the kids. She goes, oh, great. Well, now I'm thinking about the kids. Awesome. And it was ruined. And it was. And then...

Is that when you killed her? You shut up! You shut up! Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, sh You shut up! You shut up! I think everybody learned a trick. I think all the comedians learned a trick tonight. If you want to get a lot of extra stage time, just tell a long story super slow. Compelling story.

Just tease me along. Set me up for jokes all the way. And everything's going to be perfect. And make sure Brian has a bunch of sound effects that make no sense to the story whatsoever. The weirder, the better. There you go. Adam, so you drove her home after that, and that was it?

You went home with blue balls? Yeah, I drove her back down to the parking lot area. Oh, my God. You dropped her off at P5 at the Hollywood Bowl there? The shuttle will be here every hour. Yeah. Come grab her. Take you back.

So you drove her back down to the car and that was it. She got out. Was there any parting words? Like, hey, maybe I'll talk to you soon? She left me with one classy bit. She just looked at me and said, I'll talk to you soon? She left me with one classy bit. She just looked at me and said, I would have fucked you. There you go. And then what did

Ann Coulter get away and drive away into? What kind of car was it? Alright. Adam, it was nice meeting you, dude. Welcome to the show. There he goes. Adam Carr. He's on Twitter at AdamCarr85. 85, is that when you were born? You were born in 85?

You're younger than me. Wow. You're surprisingly young. I mean, wow. That's unbelievable. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt, house artist. Ryan J. Ebelt made tonight's print. All those prints are available at ryanjebelt.com,

including, for some reason it's on the ground every week, the official Kill Tony poster. That's also at ryanjebelt.com. You can buy that. Hanging it up in your living room like I did. We have other things to promote before we go into a song to close it all. Michael Kosta.

Come check me out at Junior's Last Laugh in Erie, PA, or the Funny Bone in St. Louis in November. Love you guys. We love Michael Kosta. Everything Michael Kosta. Hilarious on Twitter. So great. Thank you.

Josh Martin Comics on Twitter. First time. Popped his chowey. You know. He's with me at the Boston Wilbur Theatre One of the greatest venues in all of America Saturday night And I'll be with Aphrodite tonight

And Aphrodite tonight Come see Kill Tony at the Houston Come and Take It Festival In November Another Kill Tony announcement Most likely coming next week Secret show Wednesday here in the main room It's going to be a lot of fun. Really fun lineup for that.

That's Wednesday 8 p.m. here. Live audience. Thank you. Jeremiah Watkins. At Jeremiah's stand-up. At Patty Reagan. And at Mostly Sorry on Twitter and Instagram. Australia.

Buffalo. New York City. So many fun places I'm going to. That's at TonyHinchcliffe.com. Brian Redband. See ya. Good night, everybody. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Outro Music Go for the moon second. Go for the moon second. Hey now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that, it is it's all. Only shooting stars.

Somebody wants, good a space. you you you you you