KILL TONY - KILL TONY #179

Episode Date: November 7, 2016

Jessica Michelle Singleton, Candice Thompson, Pat Regan, Jeremiah Watkins, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Ali Macofsky, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 10/10/2016 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that...

That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at the Death Squad Podcast Network. Don't forget to check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There we have everything.

We have video portions to all the podcasts we do. You just go to Death Squad and click on videos, and there you'll get our Vimeo page, where we have high-quality versions of all the Kill Tony episodes. You can also click on tour dates at DeathSquad.tv, and there you'll have all the different things we do, including Kill Tony, what you're listening to right now. We do every Monday at the Comedy Store in Hollywood, California,

at 8 o'clock. It's a free show. Get your tickets. Reserve your free tickets. It usually gets packed, California at 8 o'clock. It's a free show. Get your tickets. Reserve your free tickets. It usually gets packed, so you want to reserve them. Every Tuesday, we have the Roast Battle, which is coming back to Comedy Central. That's a verbal violence podcast here

at Death Squad. And every first and third Friday, we have the Secret Show in the Ice House in Pasadena, California. That's a great workout room we usually have 10 to 12 to even more comics uh all doing material so it's a good potpourri of death squad uh comedians it's usually where we also try out a lot of new stuff so if you want to see some raw comedy check that out that's every first and third friday at the ice house in Pasadena, California. Also, every first Wednesday of the month,

we have the Death Squad Secret Super Show at the Comedy Store in the main room. The last one, we had our secret guest, Sarah Silverman. It was awesome. So check out that if you're in LA the first Wednesday of any month. Again, you can always go to deathsquad.tv and clicking on tour dates for all this info.

Don't forget TonyHinchcliffe.com, by the way. He has a bunchquad.TV and clicking on tour dates for all this info. Don't forget TonyHinchcliffe.com, by the way. He has a bunch of merch there. He's got tour dates. He's got all this stuff there. And me and Tony are coming to Houston, Texas. We are doing the Come and Take It Comedy Festival. That's November 8th. It's a Friday.

We are bringing Kill Tony to Houston, Texas. So check that out. Get your tickets. Go to ComeAndTakeItFest.com I believe what it is. Or just Google it. You're not doing Google. And check out all that Tony stuff at TonyHinchcliffe.com. Don't forget

to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Just search the iTunes store for Kill Tony. Hit subscribe, rate, and review the show. Or you can just subscribe to Death Squad on iTunes. And there you get all the different shows we do here, including Verbal Violence, What Brian Redband Do, Bedtime Stories, Kill Tony, all of it. So you can just also do that. All right, guys.

Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Ray Van, coming to you live from the world famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony by Fork Get up for Tony and Clay Yay Fuck yeah, Monday night, make some noise Come on, seriously It's the number one live

podcast on Mondays at the Comedy Store in the world, welcome live audience, come on, put your hands together for Brian Redband, he's here, the king of sound, the maestro of desistro. We got Jamie Vernon on the HD camera and one of my favorite humans in the world. Everything's powerful with Jamie at young Jamie. But the great Ryan J. E. Belt is

here drawing tonight's episode on a blank sheet of paper. Look at that. Blank sheet of paper. Now all of a sudden he just started drawing tonight's episode. You're going to see that at the end of the show and you're going to be like no fucking way he drew that while we were sitting there watching the number one live comedy podcast in the world but it happened

BrianJBelt.com he's also the artist that drew what's hanging in my living room that I'll say it one more time what's hanging okay there you go really just going to set you up for a good one there, Brian. But no, you take it.

What's hanging up? Oh, gee. Wow. We're really excited for these sound effects tonight. You can tell Snoop just made an appearance. Guys, the Kill Tony poster also at RyanJEBell.com. I thought that that was going to be the key word and I was going to say that. You were going to hit the bells at the same time.

It did one of those things where i had my finger hovering over the ipad it just went that's sometimes that happens with sound effects there's like if you make like a little mistake it comes up quick because everybody can hear it yeah oh i'm excited about tonight you guys excited how many people how many people have been to this show before by round of applause look at that. Barely any new people. You new people. You're in for a crazy fucking trip.

Anything can happen. Hey, look who it is. It's Josh Martin, everybody. Kill Tony super icon. He opened up for me at the Wilbur Theater on Saturday night. And if you're listening live on the live stream from Boston, I had so much fun with you guys. That was incredible. And Josh killed it for 15 minutes at the Wilbur Theater.

That's great. He's at Josh Martin Comic. Blibbity-bloppity-bloopity-blank. They turned out pretty good. I saw that Doug Benson was also there that weekend. And Adam Carolla. Yeah, not only were they there that weekend, but they were at the same venue as me. One with a show before and one with a show after.

Oh, Jesus. Let's just say, way to go, Wilbur Theater. Way to really spread around your podcast draws. There was literally 70 people that were at Doug Love's movies that were also coming to my show afterwards. So they're just watching this blowout on

stage, but three hours later, they're supposed to have energy for me. Luckily, they did. It was freakishly awesome. Boston's one of the craziest, most angrily fun audiences in the world. I had fun there. And if you're listening on the live stream right now

and you live in Australia, Buffalo, Spokane, Washington, or New York City, guess what? That means I'm going to be where you are right now at some point in the next four weeks. I'm going to Australia on Sunday, Buffalo this weekend, Spokane, Washington, and then New York. I'm going to Australia on Sunday, Buffalo this weekend, Spokane, Washington, and then New York. I'm going to be

at UFC 205. Anyway, what's going on with your guys' lives, huh? I'm sure a lot. But I have to promote the dates that I'm doing. You and George Perez have a big... Yeah, we have a show coming up at the Ontario Improv and it's going to be October

20th. So it's going to be a lot of fun. Some secret guests already confirmed. I'm excited about that. Oh, and we're taking the next two weeks off of Kill Tony. Oh, yes. That's a great thing to remember. Yes. I am going to Australia for the next two Mondays. So the next two Mondays

for the first time ever, sadly enough, there will be no Kill Tony. But! But, but, but will be no Kill Tony. But, however, breaking news. Yeah, we got this breaking news. You ready for this? There you go. We do this thing called the Bedtime Stories.

It's Kyle Ray. We just do a bunch of stories, and then we interview people. Usually it's on whenever we're in the main room. Kyle does it up here in the belly room. But while we're off, we're doing two big shows of the bedtime stories. So we're going to just pimp it out with a bunch of awesome comics. I love that you got that out there. That wasn't even the breaking

news I was talking about. Here's the real breaking news. Since we're taking two Mondays off for the first time ever in three and a half years of doing this every Monday, we've decided that our next Kill Tony,

which just so happens to land on Monday, October 31st, you've all already guessed, we will be doing a special Kill Tony Halloween edition in the main room on October 31st. Two mega guests.

And the rule is everybody from the wait staff to the sound guy to the guy that works the HD camera to the artist, everybody, including anybody who signs up for the bucket, has to dress up. Welcome to Halloween Kill Tony, October 31st. Basically, we're having a party here, a huge party on Monday night at 8, and so dress up. That's pretty much the thing. I already have my costume. I've been buying it piece by piece on eBay.

I just got mine today. I ordered mine today. I'm going to be Ken Bone. Ken Bone? Oh, sweet. I got a red cardigan. I have a mustache and some glasses. That's great. Okay, I guess I'm not going to be Ken Bone. Oh, sweet. I got a red cardigan. I have a mustache and some glasses. That's great.

Okay, I guess I'm not going to be Ken Bone, guys. I thought that was funny earlier today when I thought about it for a second, but not anymore. Let's go to the bucket before I even bring out the guests or the band. No, I'm kidding. Let's bring out tonight's... What do we do, band or guests first? The band. I love the band.

I do. I really do. So much so that I almost forgot when to bring them up. But, you guys ready to do this shit? One of the best bands in the world. It's the Kill Tony Band. It's Reagan, Watkins, and Joel Jimenez. Always coming out to something different and fun.

Oh my god. You've got to be kidding me Wow A special Rugrats A special Rugrats intro. A lot of pubes hanging out of your diaper, Joel Jimenez. Quite the patch of pubes that you just tucked in there. It was on the camera side, so whoever's... Wow, that was incredible.

Sorry, Ustream. Rugrats, I love it. Welcome to thestream. Rugrats. I love it. Welcome to the show, Rugrats. Hey, it's great to be here, Tony. Fully committed. Wow, that's good. Special Rugrats sound effect board. Rugrats, how you guys doing?

I forget your guys' names. I'm good. I'm Angelica mid-transition. So, you know, just working out of the kinks. Who's your friend there, Angelica? Behind me is Tommy Pickles. And I sometimes

confuse Phil and Lil because they look so much alike. I'm Pat. Ah, Pat from the Rugrats. Anyway, I'm excited about this. Is there any reason in particular? Normally there's something very topical in the news that you guys do your entrance to.

You know, there's so much mudslinging on the debate last night, it was kind of depressing, so we wanted to take the Kill Tony audience's mind off of it and remember the good old times when Rugrats was on television. Yeah, I like that. When they go low, we go high. Yeah, I had to wake my girlfriend up from a nap. I was like, I'm sorry, but can I borrow one of your skirts? I love that.

That is so hilarious. And you decided to put it on over your jeans. Everybody else went with the diaper. Is that what Angelica did? I love that. That is so hilarious. And you decided to put it on over your jeans. Everybody else went with the diaper. Is that what Angelica did? Yeah, she had leggings, you know. Alright. Okay.

I guess so. They wouldn't be able to show bare legs with a skirt. She was sort of like the cocktease out of the Rugrats, though, huh? Yeah. Yeah. And I didn't want to kill Tony audience to see my pussy, so I figured I'd wear some jeans, you know? Man, you've really grown

up, Angelica. So, let's meet tonight's guests, shall we? The band is in place. One more time for Reagan and Watkins, everybody. And Joel Jimenez, they're gonna be here all night. Powerful, powerful band. And Joel Jimenez. They're going to be here all night. Powerful, powerful band. And always two of the funniest

human beings in the world. We always have two unbelievable guests. Tonight, no different. Put your hands together for Jessica Michelle Singleton and Candace Thompson, everybody. Candace Thompson, one of my favorite humans Jessica Michelle Singleton

the newest paid regular at the Comedy Store right alongside with the great Jeremiah Watkins aka Angelica you guys got passed at the same time right? Yeah we did that was great. Congratulations on that this is your second time on the show Candice

this is your first. How do you feel to be working with the Rugrats for the first time ever? I'm very excited. A little anxious. A little nervous. I like that. Got to poop a little bit. But we're going to get through this.

Uh-oh. You got to poop a little bit, luckily. This is only an hour and a half, and you can't get up out of your seat. You got a bucket. I do have a bucket. If you're going to poop, we're going to have a changing switch. You can throw on one of the diapers. You have diapers, right? I love it.

I'm excited about this. Did you kids find yourself some almonds over there? What's going on? We got a hungry snack time. Wow. Fuck yeah. Pat, you look like you've been on a little heroin binge lately. What's going on over there?

What kind of drugs have you been doing? Nothing, huh? I can't ever tell with you because you're the artsy type. Yeah, I was going to say, I feel like he always looks like that. Yeah, what's the difference? I always... Pat's the kind of guy that you... So cool.

Somebody's going to write a book about him one day. Dude, Patsy and Almond's like he likes his sex. Raw. so cool somebody's gonna like write a book about him one day Patsy and Almond's like he likes his sex raw yeah right then

I swear to god it's too early in the show to wap wap me oh he's already done everything he blew the prices right on

oh he did the wap wap wap like in the first this is becoming like an old Radio Foley show. It really is. Welcome to Keltoni. Really has been out of control lately, yes.

Indeed, no doubt about it. The volume is always the loudest thing, too. Goes over everything. So let's get into it, shall we? You guys ready to start the fucking show? We know the cast. Now for the crazy part.

A bunch of comedians and some insane people signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of a bucket and do 60 seconds on stage. Anything can happen. We meet very, very diabolical people. Last week, one of our favorites got pulled out for the second time named Aphrodite. And she is instantly, I am now a star of this human being. I'm now a fan of this star. Like, it's unbelievable. Aphrodite is like a 400-pound black woman that just rubs her butt on everything.

Oh, my God. She's my spirit animal. What? That's why I'm inside. There you go. So butt on everything. Oh, my God, she's my spirit animal. What? That's why I'm inside. There you go. So anything can happen. Guys, you know how it works. You get 60 seconds.

Comedians, you know that 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Little baby cat there. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Very angry tonight. Very loud. Proving once again how loud that soundboard really is.

So let's get into it, shall we? You guys ready to start tonight's show? Huh? Monday night, you guys can do better than that. Come on, make some fucking noise. Yeah! Good God. Sometimes you gotta smack them around you know what i mean okay okay well here we here we fucking go uh there's sort of a thing with this show where

i sort of have a good barometer of when something awesome's about to happen just when i see a name that's written on a piece of paper for the first time ever i'm excited about this because the name on this piece of paper your first person doing ever. I'm excited about this because the name on this piece of paper, your first person doing 60 seconds uninterrupted tonight is Miss Lips? What? Here she comes. Wow.

Okay. Exactly how I pictured her. I love this. You gotta be fucking kidding me. This lips, everybody. This is everything. Do I say something? Do I say something?

Yes. The clock has already started, huh? You have to talk into the silver part. It's on. You're good. You got 60 seconds. I like Walmart. Bring it. I got three motherfucking kids I ain't seen in two months.

I'm thinking I'm going to be a star in California. Y'all have lost my goddamn mind. They waiting on me. 20, 18, and 8. Now, my 20-year-old, she ain't a hoe like me. I done came up in the world.

There is hope. Yes, we can. Right? Chicago. You know, Chicagoans, I think I got a couple seconds, like, right Chicago you know Chicagoans I think I got a couple seconds like a minute nigga I didn't fuck and nut it there you go that's 60 seconds

hi Miss Lips how are you welcome put your hands together for Miss Lips yeah Miss Lips somebody find Josh Martin Jesus fucking Christ. It's the only show that's all... Literally a podcast. We were just talking about labia outside.

Yeah. We manifested this. What the fuck did I just miss? Miss Lips, you gotta talk into the microphone. It's like a whole thing here. Please. There it is. I don't know the rules to this shit. The rule of got to talk into the microphone. It's like a whole thing here. Please. There it is. I don't know the rules to this shit. The rule of everything is talk into the microphone.

That's the first rule. Where's the GED handbook? Can we lose that buzz? I'd rather just. Can you talk into that mic? Let's switch something up. You must suck dick way better than I do because I can't speak into it. Oh, that's real big.

You got it. I think you can handle it. It was black. I got happy. I said, oh, wait. Oh, wait. I started feeling like the temptations. Talk to them.

All of them? Yes. Well, at least one person in the room is tempted right now. I like your style. Dick life matters, nigga. What? Okay. What? Okay. What?

Who fucking in here? Y'all really think California don't be fucking? Miss Lips, the minute thing already happened. Stick with me over here. Do your job. Alright, because I got to text somebody later. You got to text somebody later? Then what are you doing right now? That doesn't even make any sense.

Look. Miss Lips, focus. Stop hating. Over here. Stop hating. Come on, over here. Stop hating. I'm over here.

Look to your left. Stop hating. Look, look, look. Hey, what's up? Okay, dick sucker. Stop playing. Oh, wow. You are on fire.

Hey. I'm not the one with the name Miss Lips. You know what I'm saying? Right. Alright. Miss Lips, stick with what I'm saying? All right. Miss Lips, stick with me over here. How long have you been doing stand-ups? Oh, I'm from Chicago.

Any Chicago's in this motherfucker hole? That's an answer to a totally different question. Sounds like a politician. That's that Trump job. Wow. Yeah, that's very Trump. What? We stay turned up from Chicago.

Yeah? Yeah. So how many times have you done stand-up comedy? This will be my 15th time. I talked to a black mic like this before. You talked to a what? A black mic like this before. Gotcha.

This VIP. Hold on. Careful. That's all Jeremiah VIP. Hold on. Careful. That's all Jeremiah has. You can try the other mic now. No, it's good. It's nice and black. Alright. Let's keep it. Let's do a little switcheroo for this comedian. I like it, Miss Slips.

So you've done stand-up 15 times. Yeah. What do you do for work? No, I did stand-up more than that. Oh. I just made them pull out before it was time. As I said, is there anybody from Chicago in here? Look, don't R. Kelly me. Okay.

Okay? Okay. Don't pee on me. Okay. Oh, my God. Brian? What? I'll fuck the shit out of Spongebob while you're playing.

Spongebob got a job every day. Fuck what you're talking about. Spongebob will be my baby daddy. I'm seriously concerned. Baby daddy. Did you sign up for the Jerry Springer show? What is going on right now? Oh, shit. I wish, because you know Jerry Springer paid,

because this is free. Next time you see me, you will pay. I don't think so. That's how it works. Yeah. Hey, play that, play that. Play that. Hey. play that, play that. Play that. Hey.

Oh, wow. Somebody took a note from the whole Aphrodite thing that I said earlier. I guess I shouldn't have leaked that info. Wow. Miss Lips. Yes. What the fuck is going on? Have you come to the comedy store before?

Yes, I just did Crack Them Up last Thursday. Wow. Okay, so you did a book show in this room. And how did that go? I did a comedy show. How long have you been in Los Angeles? I've been here a month. Alright. Damn, are you giving me a job?

Definitely not. Because I can use some coins. I don't think so. I can use some coins I don't think so I can use some coins cause I don't claim homelessness but I'm on somebody's couch don't comment Miss Lips like that unless you got a job

hell yeah I can't wait for Jeremiah to be a psychic on the Miss Lips show get your life get your life. Get your life. Get your motherfucking life. Get it.

Okay? Miss Lips, who pays you? Who pays you to do stand-up? I am one of those people that manifest things. So you called me to be the first one is manifestation. Dig that. Ooh! Ooh! In layman's terms, she's a

prostitute. I manifest money out of my pussy. Whole matter. Miss Lips. Were you at the slut walk the past weekend? I would never get on the slut walk. I am not a slut.

She's literally jerking off the microphone. Didn't she come out and say she was a hoe? I am very classy. No, I need to holler at Amber Rose. Miss Lips, are you going to talk about anything? Are you going to answer one question? No, I'm just like Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, nigga. you know are you going to talk about anything are you going to answer one question

no I'm just like Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton nigga look breaking news I just got called the n-word on this show that's right we are live you have won your nigga card there you go

I actually felt that I mean hey life matters he doesn't get one of those I'm vetoing the nigga card There you go. Wow. I actually felt that. I mean, hey. Take that back immediately. Life matters, right? He doesn't get one of those. Candace is like, no, he doesn't. I'm vetoing the nigga card. Look, somebody's going to be writing a letter to you motherfuckers. Tony, I wish Miss Lips and I fell in love so I'd have to take her home to my family.

And they'd be like, oh, what's the sweet girl's name? I'm like, Miss Lips. Miss Lips Watkins. Miss Lips. Miss Lips Watkins. Miss Lips. Miss Lips, how do you make your money? That's her maiden name. Hey, y'all sound like the feds. What the fuck?

Okay. Y'all sound like the feds. Miss Lips, anything crazy ever happen to you in your real life? Like the feds? Yeah, y'all the feds. What y'all doing? What, what? Y'all asking all these questions.

I feel like I'm having a stroke. Like what? Don't be playing because you put some juvenile on. I don't know. Maybe upgrade some shit. Tony, are we all in the upside down from Stranger Things right now? Stranger Things reference.

What you want to ask me I've already tried that about 7 times I got my GED and my high school diploma I got 3 kids you don't need both wow that's a whole other level of dumb right there 3 5 4 7 2 9 9 9 6

what my pussy size is small but if you got what it takes it might go to medium i got six ged i got two high school diplomas i got a master's ged because i don't let people tell me no the god okay i got the god and the opt wow And of course the EBT. Hell yeah. Oh no, she's going to pull it out. Oh shit. What you mean, honey?

Everybody knows that when you got a ton of money everybody's got their receipts all crinkled up with them. I'm 20% Jewish. I don't know what he's talking about. You're what? I'm 20% Jewish. I don't know what he's talking about. You're what? I'm 20% Jewish.

I don't think that's very true. Oh, you dropped my Bank of America money. Thank you. Damn, Miss Lips. I feel like with your code name and your... I think you guys are going to fall in love. You keep calling my name. I'm going to be like Candyman on your ass

Between your stage name And your inability to answer actual questions I'm beginning to think You might be on the run And by the looks of things It might be the first run that you've ever been on In your entire life But I think you're on it

You know how long my tongue go down Do I know how long my tongue go down? Do I know how long your tongue go down? Yes. This might be a kill Tony first. Wow. And then we find out. I feel like I manifested this with a racially insensitive character I used to do in high school. What?

She came alive. You gotta use what you got to get what you want. Why? Oh, wow. Okay. I mean, she's not wrong. That's right. I'm telling you. Women, we have more power,

but we are idiots because we don't listen. Miss Lips. She's gone. You're literally not listening. Yeah, totally. Exactly. And this keep on going listening. Yeah, totally. Exactly. And this keep on going down. See, I'm going to have to get on my knees and talk to y'all. Miss Lips, you've got to stop.

What kind of ecstasy are you on that has calories in it? I haven't got... Please get off of your knees. Girl, this is a good position. No. What's wrong with you? Miss Lips. No.

Miss Lips, I think you've even outdone yourself. I thought white girls submit. See, black guys, see, they like. Miss Lips, Miss Lips. What? you've even outdone yourself. I thought white girls submit. See, black guys, they lie. Miss Lips, you gotta relax. You gotta breathe a little bit. That's how you become a complete butterfied dick sucker. You gotta hold your nose.

A butterfied dick sucker. Miss Lips, we're gonna move on. It was nice to meet you. You had a great chat. Miss Lips, there she goes. My motherfucking knees hurt. There you go. Fuck yeah. Oh shit.

Oh, those big comfy breasts. There she goes. They're like pillows. Miss Lips, you're going the wrong way. You're going the wrong way, Miss Lips. Miss Lips shit. He gonna fuck this now. Oh, no.

There she goes, Miss Lips, everybody. Miss Lips. Miss Lips, everybody. You are wonderful. Miss Lips. Ah! There you go. She's still leaving.

Still leaving. She's walking away. She's still leaving. Still leaving. She's walking away. She's walking away. Not dancing. She's walking away. Nobody's paying any real attention. Parents, hug your kids. She's the poor man's version of Miss Pat.

She is. The poor man. She wanted to get paid, too. She was like, she reminds me of Tiffany Fadish or something like that. That's what you get for crossing the boundary. Jesus, I thought for sure something was about to go down there. Oh man. The sight of it was one thing, but once you got the whiff of that Four Loko

just in the air, just banging. Just reminding you of the Mad Dog. It's all happening. Let's just keep plowing on. How do you guys feel about that? Tony's never been so hard. I'm not okay. Yeah, that's true. At least we set women back 20 years in comedy. And black people. For sure.

Women and black people. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This is another new name. Let's see what happens. It's Alex Edwards. Yes. Holy shit. Here he is, Alex Edwards.

All right, hello. Make some noise if you love sex. Yeah. All right. My girlfriend made that much noise. So the sex has got a bit dull. I decided to introduce toys into the bedroom. Lego didn't work.

I was like, oh, it's a pirate ship. Tried dirty talk, but apparently smearing my laptop in feces, watching some classic Steve Jobs, not exactly what she had in mind. But I haven't got time for sex now because I have to get up early in the morning so I get up early to spend a bit more time in bed I try and do more stuff in the shower

get your mind out of the gutter so I shave in the shower brush my teeth in the shower piss in the shower my girlfriend doesn't even know the difference. It's just two jets of hot water. So the next step is before I go to sleep, I'm just going to put some cereal and milk in my mouth. And hopefully by the time I wake up, I would have masticated and digested it. So yeah, if I don't come back,

if I don't come back, I'll have died again. Alex Edwards. So somber. Hi, Alex. You're a normal human being, aren't you? You have common sense, the ability to listen and respond at normal times and beats.

We probably realize that honesty is what's naturally funny and everybody's different so if you just answer it with any common sense whatsoever, this is going to go really smoothly, right? Yeah! Perfect, because the entire format of the show revolves around that.

The fact that we've even made it to this point, Alex, is quite a miracle. Thank you so much. Where are you from? I'm from England. What part? From near London. How long have you been in America?

Four days. Four days. Oh, wow. Welcome. Let me ask you something. In that part of England where you're from, have they ever played the movie Indiana Jones for you? Yeah. They have.

So you know that's a thing. I knew the hat was going to come up. I bought this today. This was an impulse holiday purchase, otherwise known as a terrible idea. Don't try to assimilate to Los Angeles with fashion. It will only hurt you. And it was from H&M as well.

Wow, a must-buy from H&M? Yeah. I came here to buy something from H&M as well. Wow, a must-buy from H&M? Yeah. I came here to buy something from H&M. The only must-buy at an H&M is when something terrible happened, like you broke a shirt or something, and you absolutely must-buy something at an H&M.

It's next to the venue, and you have ten minutes to get a new shirt. That's an H&M must-buy. A must-buy at H&M isn't actually... Look at my hair. This is one of the reasons. I've taken to wearing hats. A well overdue haircut.

I've decided hats are going to be a thing now. Alex, go like this. Let's un-British you. Stop pushing it forward. This is what you creepy Brits love doing. Watch this. You're about to become an American. You ready for this? Takeits love doing. Watch this. Okay, where you're about to become an American. You ready for this?

I'm so scared. Take your hand and go like this, right? Okay. Go like this and then at your forehead and then go all the way to the side. There you go. Great, now you're from Long Beach. Welcome to the show. Fucking, even I'm impressed how well that worked.

But I fucking knew it. You guys all saw that, right? I just invented that shit. That wasn't an actual thing. I preferred Indiana Jones. It was exactly like everybody from, this is my first time I've actually been living in Orange County. Alex, I mean, actually, that's fucked up.

You'd have the Orange County voice. Let's get into it. What do you do for work? Well, I don't actually live here or in the UK. I live in Japan. Oh, it's just got a lot better. So what do you do for work? I'm a teacher.

You're teaching Japanese English? No, I'm teaching English English to... I like him. No, you're not. that's going in the set I suppose oh man proper English no I teach

I teach in international school I teach small children like four years old so it's all in English and some of them are Japanese some of them are you know very rich

expat children who don't even know how rich they are rich what children? expat children they're expats. So the people who live, they're from like America or wherever. We're hot-blooded Americans.

We don't know what that means. You're going to have to break that down. Oh, no. You don't know what an expat is, Tony? An expat? Is that an actual thing? Yeah. Never heard of this before in my 32 years on the planet.

It's Americans who live in other countries. They've defected. Oh, great. But they still are like, I'm an expat. I'll be in Australia touring my own one-man shows this Sunday, by the way, for those of you that missed it. I was going to say, if you wanted to stop by

to Japan, we do mics in Tokyo. It's only about eight hours flight. Perfect. That's about how long I'd wait for an open mic in LA. How many people does he have to bring? None. You don't have to bring? None. You don't have to bring anyone.

I'm going to get some Xbox and invite some friends. Xbox? The whole D generation Xbox. Alex, how old are you? I'm 30. You're 30? Yes. And how long have you been in Japan?

About a year. About a year. What's the lady situation out there like? Hot Asians, huh? You hook up with a Japanese girl yet? about a year about a year what's the lady situation out there like hot Asians huh you hook up with a Japanese girl yet have I I had a Japanese girlfriend

for a long time oh dude yeah is that do you introduce her do you introduce her as your Japanese girlfriend yeah yeah yeah yeah

in case you didn't know this is my Japanese girlfriend this is my Japanese girlfriend so did you have fun when you were with her? Do they really have sideways vaginas? Have you been to the office?

Yes, yes, I did. I don't know. Have you been to the office strip club in Tokyo? I don't know what that is. Oh. I know what the office is. That's literally the only place

Red Band has been in Tokyo. Sure, he doesn't know where that is. I know what the office is. That's literally the only place Red Band has been in Tokyo. Sure, he doesn't know where that is. What's the most exciting thing you've done in your four days in Los Angeles? Besides the hat. Besides when you saw that must-buy hat. The hat was the big one. I went to San Diego.

It was great. I went to the beach. It was fantastic. Warm water. Loved it. No more exciting answers than that. Driving. Driving a lot.

I would love it. That was it. What else are you planning on doing while you're here? Is there anything like... Do you have any special skills? I want to hear the accent properly because I'm speaking over you. Oh, shit. They're having a revolutionary war over here.

All right. Alex, stick over here. Stick over you. Oh, shit. They're having a revolutionary war over here. Alright. Alex, stick over here. Stick over here. So far, we're two for two on guests trying to host the show tonight. Hey, Tony. Tony, he reminds me of Sherlock Holmes, but instead of having trouble finding criminals, he has trouble finding punchlines.

Long way to a long wake-up cry crowd just trying to joke and it hasn't been a joke in about seven minutes on the show okay seven minutes Sherlock

he's like he's like Sherlock Hostel oh I got it instead of oh boy Red Band

you don't do it to your own stop doing that hey where are the rest of the libertines that's actually pretty good the rest of the Libertines? That's actually pretty good. The rest of the Libertines.

That's a British reference. Alex, stick with me over here, Alex. Is there anything that you have, like a special skill or talent or anything? Yeah, he caused Amy Winehouse's death by doing drugs with her. Oh, yeah. She looks just like him. She was a saucy bird. I did the drugs. All right, back to that crazy question I asked you.

Do I have any special talents? Anything at all. Like if you had to excite somebody at once, something about you. He doesn't have to. He has a British accent. Yeah, that's it. I just do that.

I'm actually quite boring. Is that true? Are you uncircumcised? That sounded like me. That's it. I just do that. I'm actually quite boring. Is that true? Are you uncircumcised? That sounded like me. That is, yes, I am uncircumcised. I'm a huge... I guess there are two excuses. Huge tallywagga!

Just as mostly foreskin. Looks like a dolphin. I like our imprompts we're doing right now. Teachers are creepy, right, Alex? You ever hook up with anybody or anything crazy ever happen in the teacher's lounge? With a four-year-old. I'd hope not. Not with a four-year-old.

You wacky, wacky Brit, you. With a teacher. With a teacher. With a teacher. With a teacher. Yeah, you're the shag in the break room. Yeah. Everyone's just a progressively worse British person. We've gone from two

complete extremes of the spectrum so far with this show. You're the Miss Lips of London. Of the British people. Okie dokie, Alex. Hey, so do you have a big Monty Python? Alright. Nothing's working at this point.

This show's jumped its own shark so far tonight. It's his dick. Got it. Alex. What was that last question I fucking asked him about? It's a very easy one. Something about, it's a definitive yes or no.

Anything crazy ever happen? Any hookup in the teacher's lounge? Anybody ever do any drugs there? Anything like that ever? Anybody do any drugs in school? Not the fucking kids, Alex. You literally tried and failed to make that joke 45 seconds ago. I don't want to re-incriminate myself.

Okay, fuck it. Alex Edwards. There he goes. Alex Edwards. There he goes. He's on Twitter. It's CdogMakeFunny. Miss Lips is at Lips underscore Miss. For those of you that were wondering if she's on Twitter, that's Lips underscore Miss. She decided to flip it.

That's what you do when you have both a GED and a high school degree. What we've learned tonight is obviously they cancel each other out. Like you have none. Okay. This is another new day. I'm so scared. Anything can happen. This is what we've learned on tonight's show.

But if comedy happened, that'd be cool. can happen is what we've learned on tonight's show. But if comedy happened, that'd be cool. I would say at some point of the show I lost control of this show. I would say that. But I'd be lying because I don't really ever think I had

control tonight. I think I was... Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Oh, no. I said her name three times. You guys, you made her name name. Oh shit. You guys made her name name.

There she goes. That's just a nut. That wasn't even Miss Lips. That was weird. That was somebody else losing their mind. You've lost control of the crowd. There's nothing going on here tonight. This is going to be one of those ones where the podcast is good,

but I'm angry for the rest of the night. Tony, you're doing great. We have one of these. Once every two or three months it happens, we flush it out of our system and we move on. Angry little Monday Tony. It'll end up carrying on to an angry set that I do later in the OR when I'm supposed to be working out new stand up I'm just going to call everybody peasants

that they have no idea who I am and what I do a complete meltdown I can feel it but for now we're just going to keep plowing through this show this is another new name I'm excited this is my dream I can't wait to see your set later you guys excited?

because this is a fucking new name and it's also weird to the point to where I'm sort of scared. Put your hands together for Pallave Gunalan. Woo! Hey. I was on Wikipedia today looking at this ethnic slurs page

because that's what I do with my time. And I feel like a lot of the slurs on there shouldn't even be on there because they're, like, too cute to be slurs. Like, wouldn't you want to go home and curl up with a little jungle bunny? Wouldn't you want that? So cute. So cute. But I feel like they got really lazy when they came up with all the rest of the slurs, right?

And by they, I mean white people, because you know what you did. Right? They got to the worst one, they got to the n-word, and then they just added an adjective before it and applied it to all the other races, right? So for Arabic people, they had sand, right? This is a fill in the blank, you guys. This is a choose your own adventure. This is when i say sand you say hassle i almost got you guys i almost got you um i'm i'm indian and so in california sometimes i'm an um an ambiguous ethnicity so sometimes when i'm walking on the street people yell slurs at me um like i'll be walking on the street with my friend and somebody will go, Taliban! That'll stop a conversation with your white friend real quick.

They're just like, oh shit, that's rude. But also, I don't know what she does with her spare time and she's really into tech. Fuck yeah. Palawe Gunalen, am I saying that right? How do you say it? Palawe? It's...

You guys are out of control with that sax. You're an angel. That was very refreshing. Yes. How do you pronounce your name? Pallavi Ganalan. Pallavi Ganalan. Yeah. Got it. That's cool. You're awesome. I like your style. Thank you. How long have you been on stand-up? Two months. Wow.

Great. Very cool. That's awesome. Getting the audience to almost say the N-words, great. I love it. I love the risks that you're taking. And I'm going to be honest with you. I feel like there's sort of a thing with stereotype that this is just my initial thing. I mean, you've only been doing it two months, so whatever. But my initial thought is, like,

the stereotype would be, like, Indian female comedians. And believe it or not, you know, I've literally seen probably at least 10, 15, 20. And it always seems like they're very reserved and conservative and, like, slow-playing stuff and not very, like, going for it. And you sort of have an energy. And you're also edgy and they're normally doing

math jokes and shit. So that's really fun. And you get confused for everything probably, right? I had another part of that joke. Hold on, we have a spin-off podcast. So we were trying to We were over here counting

Indian female comics. And we were over here counting Indian females and we were like Aziz and we were like maybe if like Kumail Nanjiani put like a wig on we could count him as one

he's Pakistani just like open oh see we can't even count him there's a sitting bowl I was just being a dumb white person oh god

I mean it's like you guys even is anybody even listening right now is anybody even listening right now? is anybody even just breathing and like really soaking in every second of it all? Tony this is when you found out you died three years ago

I think so this is the moment I was really looking forward to that Halloween main room show too it sucks okay so let's get into it you You've been doing stand-up for two months. You live here in LA? Yep. You always lived in LA? No, I lived

in Pasadena and Glendale back when I was in college and then I moved away and I just came back two months ago. You came back from Pasadena? Well, I moved away from... I'm going, going, back to back to ten miles down the street. No, I moved to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and then the Bay, and then I moved back down.

Wow, why Pittsburgh? I got my master's in Pittsburgh. Wait a second. How many GEDs is that? That's how writer's rooms work for you normal people that don't know. We do. We get all excited like that. Give like this final arm high five that you've never seen. You're like,

what is that? A writer's high five? Yes. Because we normally have pens in our hands. So you have to like, fuck yeah, doing it. It really is an actual thing. Pallavi. Pallavi. Pallavi. Yeah. That's a tough one. Pallavi, you'll never

take Pallavi. Pallavi. That's a tough one. Paul of me, you'll never take Paul of me. Okey dokey. Whatever he said. Yeah. So what do you do for, you got your mask, what do you do for work? It was a take on her name. Oh, still going for it? Going to save it?

Just throw it at life preserver? Yeah. Okay. I was explaining in case people didn't understand. Now you're anking it in a little bit? There's my boy, Betty Riggs. There you go. Bring some closure to it.

Okay. I'm getting my PhD right now. What in? Biomedical engineering. Okay. What do you mean? What's your day job right now? Just studying for the PhD.

I am paid for a PhD. Okay. So, yeah. How disappointed are your parents going to be? When they hear this, a lot. When you tell them. When you're like, I did all that, and now I'm going to be a comedian. Yeah. How close are your parents going to be? When they hear this, a lot. When you tell them. When you're like, I did all that, and now I'm going to be a comedian.

How close are you? To finishing? I just moved here for it, so it's going to be like five or six years. Five or six years. And then what do you want to do with that? I don't know. Stand-up?

Everybody keeps asking me what I'm going to do, but I like both, but I'm really enjoying stand-up right now. So we'll see. Man, that is so awesome. One of them pays a little bit more than the other we will tell you which one I think it would be so funny to wake up like after brain surgery

or during it even and the surgeon is just over you like hey say the n word say it like you could combine these two crazy worlds and somebody would be worlds. I study neuroscience and that's a test. They have to make sure you say the N word to make sure it's working. You almost had me there for a second.

Yeah, did they say neuroscience? That's not the N word she's talking about. Yeah, tell them what it is I can say it I feel like you basically just called her one by saying it oh tell them what it is why don't you say it Candace I can say it

y'all motherfuckers can't oh really I was I took Miss Lips thing to heart I thought the card that she gave me was actually good. I was going to go use it at the closest intersection of thugs that I saw. Hey, you fucking... Miss Lips said I could do it. That's okay.

Oh, oh, oh. Are you talking about Miss Lips from Chicago? We all just start seawalking and fucking throwing up gang signs. Miss Lips, more like Miss Crips, you know what I'm saying? I feel like we're all traumatized together.

Definitely. So, Pallavi. Pallavi. Yeah, her name's Palladis, Tony. Okay, listen. I mean, how insensitive can you get? You don't usually do that.

All right. Hot Pockets. Listen. I thought you were great. I like that. I like that you committed to your name and didn't do the thing where you get, like, an American name. I actually... My Twitter is, like, an easier American name, you get like an American name. I actually, uh,

my Twitter is like an easier American name, but every time it opened mics, I just like, I spell out my actual name cause I want them to be able to like read it and see it. And every time they hesitate, I'm like, it's me. So what,

what's your, what's your stage name? I don't, I don't have like a stage name, but my Twitter is like, my Twitter is Miss, Miss Labia. The more formal it's Miss Labia. Yeah, no's mislabia no it's PaulGun89

and it's spelled like an American would spell Paul we're gonna get to that so you chose a male name yeah I don't know big question I have for you you seem like such a wholesome smart person right what's something crazy that you've done

you ever get in trouble or anything like that? I got in a bar fight a few weeks ago. First of all, I'm excited about this. I think she earned the right to say nigga. Yeah, there you go. That card counts.

Let me tell you, when you said a bar fight, I got in a bar fight. I totally thought you were about to say, I got an abortion. I did too. Right? There was a moment where I'm like, there's no way. She's about to fucking drop this. Like, yeah, like totally fucking bottom puked out a baby the other day.

I might have lost it that night. I don't know. So let's get into this fucking bar fight shall we first of all you're a neuroscience like double master so what kind of bar are we talking about here what kind of what kind of like decked out uh apple bees are you partying it up at barney's Beanery. That's right. When you hear the words Barney's Beanery, everybody knows that's where the fucking party is.

So let's break it down. Party always is... You know where you are? Motherfucking Barney's Beanery. Every Saturday. Every Saturday, ladies and gentlemen. For those of you that thought I was fucking around. Okay, let's get into it. So how'd this happen?

One of my very large friends was very drunk. Somebody got called fat. He was really drunk and angry and he was picking a fight with someone and I happened to be between them and also drunk, so I didn't dodge. Two guys. Yeah.

One of them a large man. The other one was also large. Your friend the large man picked on another large man at a Barney's Beanery. Outside of it, after. So we weren't even here. Oh, this is the Barney's Beanery post-11 p.m. song. That other song was the daytime Barney's Beanery. So were you actually part of the fight or just like a between-two-people casualty,

like bar fight trap? I think I was trapped a bit. Craziest thing I've ever done is I once got accidentally caught in between two people fighting. That's what I sound like. You sort of did. She did. I kind of do. You're very un-Indian.

You're like an Undian. I grew up in Utah. The correct term is non-Indian. Oh, that makes sense. I grew up in Utah. Right. That's why you have the wholesome vibe. Yeah.

Are you Mormon? No, I'm not. That would just add in more layers. Yeah. that's why you have the wholesome vibe are you Mormon? no I'm not that would just add more layers okay so you got caught in between two guys fighting did you throw a punch? I don't know two fat guys

you don't know? what do you have a brown out? that's a good one you sons of bitches pretending like that's hacky. Like you've ever heard anyone call an Indian that had a blackout a brownout. Alright, you guys can go fuck yourselves.

Writer's room, writer's room. Oh yeah, writer's room. Anyway. So you're saying you don't remember because you blacked out? Yeah, I think I like hit my head too hard. You hit your head? On the ground? On the man? Did you headbutt him? I was like,

there was a pile of people and I think I got the worst of it. What was your strength of choice? I just was, beers, just whatever. Just beer? Yeah. No shots or anything? I don't remember. I don't think so. Wow. Yeah. How many beers do you stop remembering

things at? Well, I think I also got a concussion from the fight. Oh. It's like very similar symptoms. All right. Let's face it. Getting caught between two guys fighting isn't that crazy. Okay.

What's the craziest thing you've ever done? Or sort of like what seems like something that you wouldn't do because again what would we let me put it to you this way what would surprise us as a neuroscience fucking whatever the fuck that you've done she went to Barney's Beanery fucking idiot that's a student thing though

keep going I have gone to the desert and exploded things with people now that's not surprising at all I have gone to the desert and exploded things with people. Now, that's not surprising at all. Fuck yeah. When you're talking about the desert and exploding things, are you talking about Boston and backpacks? No.

No? No. We have a quick phone call to make. I knew this would happen. I'm sure that never gets old. Yeah. I went to an undergrad that was kind of not, people didn't really bother us with rules.

So we had this cannon and we. Wait a second. What do you mean you had a cannon? You had a cannon? The camera? A cannon. No, like a cannon. Like a giant.

Like pirates. Like a real cannon. Like a real cannon. You made it? It was like part of school tradition. No, it was just like. You bought one on eBay? No, it was on campus already.

Right. It was an old tradition. It was there from like the 1700s. But people who were in charge of the cannon had access to a lot of gunpowder. So we could just go to the desert and... Really? People who were in

charge of the cannon had gunpowder? Well, they had... Yeah. They had powder. I'm so confused. You would take the cannon to the desert to do this? No. You just took the gunpowder. We just took the powder. We would make shit out of it, go to the desert, and blow it up. And just blow it up. Yeah.

What did you make? Anything? Pipe bombs. Did anybody lose any fingers or hands? All right. I went to a nerd school, so they were all really smart about it. So you could be irresponsible. Yeah, totally.

So you guys didn't explode household. You didn't make a bomb out of something that would be funny. Why do I think toilets are funny? I'm a child. Okay, everybody. She was like, instead of doing mushrooms in the desert, we'll do mushroom

clouds. This started out well, right? It's really good for a really long time. clouds. This started out well, right? Really good. It was really good for a really long time. All right.

Okay. Is that something that like nerds do? They blow stuff up. Do you get like hot for that? You get hot for like the science guys that

like made the thing? Because let's face it, you're not the one igniting the pipe bomb, right? I did. You did? Yeah.

You're the coolest. How many? What's the guy to girl ratio this desert trip? Is this a big old sausage fest? Probably like 60-40. 60-40 guys, right? I did. You did? Yeah. You're the coolest. What's the guy to girl ratio this desert trip? Is it just a big old sausage fest? Probably like 60-40. 60-40 guys, right? Yeah. So, did you build the

thing or you just lit it? Yeah, I built it. Oh, so basically you took a bunch of people to the desert and you made bombs. Yeah. Alright, it took a long while to get there. That's pretty perfect. You made pipe bombs and lit them off in the desert. How much fun is that?

So much fun. That's what we should do. We should have hybrid. Instead of the comedians all going at once, the comedians and the scientists should have to mix on these trips. Would you bring civilians with you? Yeah.

We could bring you guys. Can I do mushrooms? A lot of people do. Were the scientists that you were with doing them? Yeah, they all love hallucinogens and stuff. Yeah, everybody does. That's where the best science comes from. How do you think

your ancestors got here? My parents came over in 1981. There she goes. With her scientific explanation. She's like, what a zygote. Nobody's with me tonight.

There are four shows going on at once, and I'm a huge fan of all four of them, I'll tell you that. I just think when you play them all at the same time, it's sort of rough. If we split these up, it's going to be great. We could actually do that, too. The actual audio for me, it's totally...

Yeah, they're all recorded on a separate track, so we can have different audio commentary options. I'm excited about this. So, Pallavi, what do you do to... This is like Kill Bill. Pallavi? We all say Pallavi. Pallavi.

So, Palmololive what is your did someone say my name alright well I mean that's awesome that you're doing stand up how much time do you think you have you've like

you basically did your most solid minute that you've written in two months right yeah I think so but I like I'll go to a school from like nine to five and then I come to Mike's and I bring like homework and shit with me so I can do it. I do like 3 to 5 Mike's a night and I try to write a sketch a week. She's going to make it.

She's going to make it. Yeah, you're going to be great. That's amazing. Do you know how much time you have? Like how much time? like what's the longest set you could do with your material? I've done like 10 minutes before. I think it's not as tight as I would like

it to be. That's incredible. You're a freak. I can't believe we found you here two months into this entire adventure because there's nothing that can stop you. The amount of excuses that I hear from comedians when they're like,

hey, Tony, blippity-bloppity, one quick question. Like, do you have any advice? And they answer 100% of the time. I'll let you guys, you guys all do it real quick. Do your things. Blippity-bloppity.

Very good. Okay. All right, so back to it. Back to, I mean, like, okay. Yeah, what? So the number one piece of advice, oh, wait, hold it. Back to it. I mean, like, okay. Yeah, it was. So the number one piece of advice. What, Tony?

Oh, wait. Hold on. It's happening. Who wants it? Is always do more spots and work harder. And everybody's lazy. And she's doing more spots than you and becoming a, what is it again? A PhD biomedical engineer.

Yeah. I had a PhD once but I went to the doctors. Cleared it up in a couple days. Awesome! Nailed it, Jeremiah. So what else? Anything else crazy you want to say? Any advice for I'm never going to say it right.

Pallavi? I think you're great. I think it's great that you right. Pallavi. Pallavi. I think you're great. I think it's great that you work hard. I think that's really important. And you're pretty comfortable being yourself. It gets easier to be yourself on stage the more you do it. I think you're great.

If you want to do this, you can keep doing it. I think you're very funny. Thank you. Jessica gives you permission to keep doing it. Yes. That was it. I was joking. That's why I came to LA. Thank you.

Anything else? Anything, any other words Anything else? Anything? Any other words of wisdom? Anybody? Yeah, no. You're funny. Thank you. She's great.

You go. Real Simon Cowell of Kildonia. You funny. She doesn't need to be a Simon Cowell. She was good. You're welcome. But I'm just saying, she's two months in.

Young lady. Anything else? Don't fuck Tony no matter how hard he tries. Just stating facts. I think she's got, I mean, for someone two months in, I think she's doing everything she can. She writes, she goes up.

Keep doing that. Keep blowing stuff up. Yeah. Pallavi, do you have any advice for us? Yeah, that's really a good question. What would you do differently? Coming from a man in a diaper and a cross-dressing man

to the left of him. Do you have any mental health advice for us? Yeah, stay me stay after you guys. We'll talk. Fuck yeah. Well, there she goes everybody. Pallavi Gunneland. Gunneland. Pallavi Gunneland. Gunneland.

Pallavi Gunneland. Pallavi Gunneland. Pallavi Gunneland. Paul Gunn. She's on Twitter at PaulGunn89. Fuck yeah. Exciting. What a relief. Joel Jimenez, what's going on over there?

How are you feeling tonight? I'm doing good. Just happy to be here, Tony. Wait a second. When did you put your boxers on? I was wearing them underneath. Under the Bible? Then that makes it doubly funny that your pubes were hanging out at the very beginning.

Like, out of everything you had tucked into your diaper, you let your pubes just fall out of the side. Yeah. He has comb over pubes. I trimmed them. I got a lot of attention after the last time, and I trimmed them. You're welcome. What do after the last time, and I trimmed them. You're welcome.

What do you guys say we go to our regulars now and then go back to the bucket? Just knock them out now. What? More bucket? Yeah, we're going to go back to the bucket, but we're going to do that after we go to our two regulars who perform and write a brand new 60 Seconds every week.

That's not easy. It's fucking tough. Most grown-up comedians that you're fans of don't write a new minute a week. That's 52 minutes a year. It's tough. Point is, we do it every single week, and it's fun to watch them grow, go through shit. Highs, lows, real shit, fake shit. Fun stuff happens. We're doing it again. Your first regular going up tonight. You through shit. Highs, lows, real shit. Fake shit. Fun stuff happens.

We're doing it again. Your first regular going up tonight. You know her. You love her. Vanessa Johnston, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, guys. I don't really fuck with social media. I know my place on it. There's a lot of hot girls on Instagram. On Instagram, I'm like an 8.

But I'm a 10 on LinkedIn. There aren't a lot of hot girls on LinkedIn, dude. When you write your job title, you can't put, we'll suck dick for money. Trust me. I tried.

I actually did a search for hookers on linkedin because i wanted to identify who my competition was and there was only like insurance companies so it was like what the fuck it must be so hard being a hooker and like entering the normal workforce you know like it's probably so awkward especially the interview when the interviewer's like, so what job experience do you have? What jobs have you done? The girl's like, jobs? Hand jobs, blow jobs. I've done all the jobs. Alright, that one wasn't a winner.

Vanessa Johnston, there you go. 59 seconds. Fuck yeah. The jobs thing, you know. That was, yeah. The jobs thing. You know, that was, yeah. I thought you were totally going to go Steve Jobs at one point. Steve Jobs. I like that premise. I would have been misdirected.

If you're going to go that way, you've got to have something on the end. You know what I mean? That's actually a great idea. I do all the jobs. Hand jobs, blow jobs, Steve jobs. I don't know. We'll see how you do it. Your delivery is interesting.

I didn't get the insurance thing. I just added that right and right that second what what what did it mean do you know what I meant or is it just because that's a lot of what's on LinkedIn yeah well literally because they didn't laugh at the when I did this before people laughed at I searched my competition so I was like oh I need to like add something so I just made that up but I searched it right before I So I was like, oh, I need to add something. So I just made that up. But I searched it right before I... Because I didn't want to look. Because I didn't want to pollute what I saw. Because I was like, maybe there are hookers.

But literally, there are people with the last name Hooker. So there's all these insurance companies with like, Hooker Home Mortgage and Hooker Insurance. Well, in that case, you'd have to say that. You'd have to explain it a little bit. Because that actually makes sense. Now that you say it'd have to say that. Because that actually makes sense. Now that you say it, I can picture that. You should take out an insurance policy

in case you have an accident where you're funny on stage. Do you know where to get one? And Pat is back! These two, let me explain something. Real quick. I need to get your guys. Can I just say something?

Pat's been saying he's going to quit comedy for like fucking ever. But he never does. He didn't wait. Because you quit something you never started. Hold on. All of a sudden turned into Rose Battle. What's happening?

This is what I was trying to stop everything for, but Vanessa just went with her thing. You had this thing loaded up. And I interrupted it. I'm sorry. But there's been an ongoing thing. I'll see you at JFL where I'm a comedian and you're fucking a comedian. Whoa!

My boyfriend's not a comedian. I'm in a committed relationship for a year. He's not a comedian. Yeah, I'm talking about even years in the future after you put five more years into this. I'm never going committed relationship for a year He's not a comedian Yeah I'm talking about even years in the future After you put five more years into this I'm never going to fuck you What's happening Pat why do you hate women

Alright I gotta defend my boy Patty Reagan on this You can't just blanket statement Spider-Man web Why do you hate women at a man And let it just solve all the issues right in his face. Let them go between each other.

Don't blanket statement the audience making Pat look like a misogynist. What? You don't turn this around on me, Candace! Angelica, sit down! I'm defending my boy Patty Reagan up here! Wait, what happened with you guys? No, there's just been weeks of back and forth. Finally, I have my favorite part of tonight's episode.

Okay. I don't know. Because she's a hot woman? No, I'm going to explain that to you guys. There's a thing lately, the last few weeks, where we don't know exactly what it is, but there's a lot of hostility from Pat onto Vanessa.

Is it a thing? Is there a thing that is offstage? Vanessa almost projectile bomb it hit while she said that no Never a thing with blue hair like that That is topical. No, I don't have a problem at all. Yeah, we're cool off stage. Yeah, we're fine. Better blue hair than blue balls

because my patty boy gets it in. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You should think of a job that's kind of like a hooker that you would actually find other than an insurance company, like a Lyft driver or something that you pay for and they do something. I also think with the LinkedIn thing,

it's also if you're looking up hookers and there's something to the like, oh, you have like a second connection to this hooker. Because there's like, oh, you have a second connection to this hooker. Because there's like, oh, you know someone who knows this hooker, and now you're seeing people. There's a lot with the link. Vanessa, Vanessa, Vanessa. I have a regular – because I have a company. That's funny, though, because super hot girls normally don't have jobs.

So, of course, they're not there. Hey, Vanessa, I'd like to apologize for just – I feel like I said a couple of unnecessary things. Oh, the first joke I stand by. But I'd like to apologize for just I feel like I said a couple of unnecessary things. All the first joke I stand by. But I'd like to apologize. I'd like to apologize for just saying those dickish things. You know you could have said that after the show, right? What is going on tonight? Yeah, Pat, why are you such a pussy?

Wait, what? You can't just throw the blanket, why are you a pussy statement at my boy Patty Reagan whenever you just said that he hates women. He doesn't hate women. He's just defending women right now. He just apologized for his actions. What's wrong with you, KMS? I just apologized in public for no reason.

I didn't need to. I was just feeling like shit. I was over here feeling shitty, so I wanted to apologize. You could have said that after the show, too. You know that, right? Yeah, I don't know. Man, geez, Pat, you want to wear my skirt now? Alright. Vanessa, I will say this, is that

I love that you are probably one of the only comedians that can be self-deprecating while at the same time calling yourself an aide on Instagram. I think that that's really funny. That got a laugh and I thought it was funny.

8 on Instagram but a 10 on LinkedIn. So many people would immediately be like, she's not an 8 on Instagram. But it's funny that you get to make jokes like that. What do you mean they'd say she's not an 8 on Instagram? She said she's an 8 on Instagram but a 10 on LinkedIn. Yeah. Yeah. Right. I think it's funny that it's like self-deprecating in a way to call yourself an 8 on Instagram. Which is like such a great thing.

I would kill to be an 8 anywhere. That's exactly my point. I'm a 5 in a toilet. Wait a second. Yeah. Boom. There you go. That's why she's the newest paid regular, ladies and gentlemen.

All right, Vanessa, that was awesome. There you go. New stuff. Anything else for Vanessa? No, I think that's a great premise. I think you can really dig into the LinkedIn thing. There's a lot there. Find out what really happens with the LinkedIn thing. You know what I mean?

What you said about the actual name matching the thing, like, take us through the thing if you're actually doing your research. Like, if you say you're looking for hookers, I mean, that's just the already set up, but like the I found a hooker home mortgage. Maybe you, like, try to apply for a job there because they're – Yeah, you don't know where it could go. And they're like, ma'am, this is an insurance company. This is just an observation, but when she

got personal, that was the most successful part of her set. Yeah, I like that. There she goes, Vanessa Johnson, ladies and gentlemen. Next comedian. On to the next one.

Ladies and gentlemen, here she is. You know her, you love her. She just turned 21. The great Allie Makovsky. Thank you. I went through a religious phase in ninth grade. A lot of my friends who were popular were like super christian and i was like that's all i need so uh i started going to the to the youth group

every week and like it wasn't working i wasn't popular and then they told me about this camp over like oh it was like a week-long sleepaway camp, and I was like, this is my time to shine. I'm going to be popular. Maybe I'll get some smooches from some Jesus boys. It's going to be great. And none of that happened. Instead, I just got baptized. And I came back, and I was like,

what am I doing? I'm Jewish. I like Drake. I've been listening to Drake a lot lately because I'm a white girl and that's how we form personalities. Thank you. And I like Drake, but I think he says the N-word a lot, you know. I'm just like, for a half-black,

half-Jewish guy, I wish you would say kike. Boom! Allie Makowski. I'm just like for a half black, half Jewish guy, I wish you would say kike. Boom. Allie Makovsky. Yeah. Yikes. Wow. It's incredible.

Another great set. Another killer minute. Thank you. It's like the Minnesota Vikings being 5-0. Like I'm wondering when this is going to end This hot streak that you've been on Oh it's going to end soon I feel it It's hilarious

Just going to be bombs from here on out I love that Drake joke Is he really half Jewish? Yeah His name's Aubrey How Jewish is that? His name's Aubrey? This is why Aubrey and I have a nigga card

Because he didn't know that Because I didn't know he was half Jewish? Yeah, everybody knows that. Let me explain. I think I should have the card because I thought he was all black. No, that's exactly why you can't. How dare you? That's the whitest thing anyone has ever said.

Do you hate women, Tony? What's wrong with you? Sorry I didn't know Drake was Jewish, guys. That's why he's so sensitive. Is that why? He has so many feelings. Oh, okay. Because black people don't have feelings.

I'm going to be honest with you. I like Drake. Do you hate black people or something? You don't think they have feelings? No, we just pretend like we don't. I like Drake. And I I'm a little disappointed that I found out tonight

that his name is Aubrey. It's a lot of street cred out the window. Did you know he was in Degrassi? Yeah. What? Super popular Canadian TV show. Tony's world is shattering.

Oh my God. He just looked at Ali like, what did you just say? Tony, please don't cry on air. Tony's my favorite on air. Don't say that again. Wait, did you really watch that and didn't know that was him? Anyway.

You definitely lost the card. I thought I knew my Drake. That's crazy. You're making no new friends after this. He doesn't get that reference. Yes, I definitely do. Just setting up for another song. Anyway, now I can't do it.

Allie, what else is going on? What else happened this week? You still working at a movie theater? No, I got fired from that. I don't want to talk about it. Why not? No, we need to know how someone gets fired from a movie. I talked about it like two weeks ago.

I was unprofessional. Previously on Kill Tony. Did we talk about it? What was the short end of it? Well, I got fired for being unprofessional and I was like, I didn't know that this was a profession. That was the joke. But what happened? What was the unprofessional part? Well, that's the thing. She couldn't answer. I was like,

how am I being unprofessional? She was like, well, you're on your phone. I was like, yeah, there's a lot of downtime. Give me something to do. And then she was like, also, you don't seem excited to be working here. I was like, that's just how I talk. I never sound excited for anything.

And then she had a monotone voice, too, so when she was firing me, it was like, we gotta let you go. Wow. And then she was like, I get it, because I told her, I was very clear. I was she's like, I get it. Because I told her, I was very clear. I was like, yeah, that's how I talk.

That's just how I talk. You hired me. I wasn't like, hey, I want to work at a movie theater. She knew what she was getting into. She was like, I get it. I also have the same voice. I was like, then fuck you. I'm letting you go. So you basically just fucked up free movies for all of us. Yeah, I also have the same voice. I was like, then fuck you. I'm letting you go.

So you basically just fucked up free movies for all of us. Yeah, I did. God damn you. Allie, have you ever been to a haunted house before? Every day. No, yeah, I've been to a haunted house. I just imagine the people dressed up as monsters

being really disappointed when you're like, oh my god, I'm so scared. Oh, fuck. Oh, another chainsaw. Oh my god. I didn't see that coming. Wow, I just pissed everywhere. That is awesome.

Anything else for Allie, guys? What are you guys thinking? Really funny. So funny. Always so funny. That is awesome. Anything else for Allie, guys? Anything? What are you guys thinking? Really funny. So funny. Always so funny. You're great.

Allie's the best. Do you think... Can I make a comment? That was really funny. You should never quit. Do you think that, like, the last... Do you think, because she's been on a hot streak the last few weeks, that in the back every week, Vanessa's just like, this bitch. She's new

and she's killing it. Nice boob stretch. Thank you. Thank you. Wow, Red Band laying dormant the entire episode. Waiting for a good boob stretch comment. Only speaking through the board all night.

Bye, Mom. Oh, my God, boobs. My mom is watching this, and she's probably going to text me right after and be like, don't talk to Brian. There she goes, Allie Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. One of your new favorite comedians in the world.

She's a freak. You guys got to keep your eyes on Allie. You guys got to take care of her. We will. She's good. Especially those boobs. I love Allie. She's great.

Yeah. And, of course, Vanessa, too. I'm just saying. Yeah, of course. We look out for all the ladies. Exactly. Yeah, we got to stick together. Where you at, Miss Lips?

Yes, I think she's left. She's already back in Chicago. Walk your lips, ladies. She went to Chicago. Getting that deep-dive speech, you know what I'm saying? She may need back to Chicago. Who wants to go to the bucket one more time, huh? Fucking half a show tonight

I pulled another name out of the bucket it looks like another new name I do believe put your hands together for Addison Tom or Thom Addison Thom not when you need my love call me on my cell phone

yeah give it up for our panel Got me on my cell phone. Yeah. What's up, motherfuckers? Give it up for our panel. First, I thought this was like the 20-year reunion of Teen Mom. We're red-banded. Thank you. So I just moved here from Las Vegas. And dating in Las Vegas is different. A lot of my bro friends always ask me,

Hey man, how many strippers do you date? You date them often? And I always respond, never, for more than nine months. Because let's be honest, a pregnant stripper is not supporting all three of us. So now I'm single again. And dating, oh. Wow. So now I'm single again. Dating. Wow. Just to let you know, Addison, before you get confused at all,

those people laughing were laughing because the joke was so terrible that Jeremiah had a spit take, and therefore they all laughed at Jeremiah. I heard you say thank you after that big laugh happened and I don't want you going to bed tonight thinking that you did anything. That wasn't for you. Whatever you thought that was going to be, doesn't

work. The show existed before you were pulled out of the bucket. The show is going to be back next week. Well, not actually next week. We're taking two weeks off because I've got to go to Australia. We also need to breathe after this. To recover. We need to recover from this. But, Addison, the teen mom

thing, what were you thinking there? Does that mean you think that I look like someone would have come inside me? Because that would mean everything to me. No, mostly I was just like... I like your i like yourself where you from addison i'm from las vegas las vegas you born and raised hold your mic up a little closer to the face

north carolina born and raised but how long were you in las vegas it really rubbed off on you let me tell you that first of all you seem very vegas about four years it's a tight t-shirt back and forth four years i nailed it with my answer correct can you say it into the tight t-shirt back and forth four years I nailed it with my answer correct can you say it into the microphone it was like ten years oh ten years alright perfect I mean you totally just said four years a second ago but then when I made you look like a douche bag

you changed it to ten years it happened very quickly luckily this is a recorded podcast that some people are going to actually rewind right now and go watch it I know for a fact what was said because I'm like a fucking home plate umpire up here. The mouse of weirdness is out.

Addison, what's the douchiest thing you've ever done? Besides this. Besides what? The first joke. Because you're like the human version of the bottle that glows at the club that they bring out you know what I mean with like fireworks on the side

like I hold all the sparklers and bring out the champagne you look like you work every position at a nightclub like you ID people and then you jump behind the bar and then you throw on headphones and like hit a song and then you just do it again

like you can run a one man club. That's what you seem like to me. Most of my songs are just me raising my hands, changing headphones. He looks like he's had his arm stuck in many vending machines. What?

What? Why? You know when something gets stuck What? Why? You know when something gets stuck and then you try to stick your arm up it? I love what you're saying. It's so funny, but I don't think that works on anybody. You're so funny, Jeremiah. Oh my God.

It's unbelievable. Addison, did you answer my question about the douchiest thing you've ever done? Ten years in Vegas is why I'm asking you. I mean, I've lived all over Chicago. Oh, shit. You ever hang out with Miss Lips? At a Barney's Beanery?

I actually hire her for private security in Vegas. She's great. Dude, one time I took a shit in a baby's crib and blamed it on the baby. Oh my god, I love this character. Douchier version of this guy. Man, anything else you've ever done?

We gotta wrap it up, unfortunately. As soon as I find a fun running thing. After an hour and a half, we gotta go. Anything else? Whoa, Addison, Jesus, relax. I thought we were wrapping it up. Okay, we do have to go, actually. You can't go. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to call you back up there.

Any other parting words? I'm sorry we had to rush off, but we're at the end of the show. We ran out of time. Anything you want to say before you go? No, thank you. Okay, there he goes. Addison Thaum. He's on Twitter. MMA Money Lives. MMA Money Lives. MMA Money Lives? He's so

vegan. Wow. Look how cool that drawing is. Oh my god, why don't I actually look as good as that drawing? Ryan Chey-E-Belt is a freak of nature. He made that happen during tonight's episode. All those prints are available at ryanchey-e-belt.com including the Kill Tony poster.

Powerful Jamie Vernon on the HD camera. Watkins and... Reagan and Watkins and Joel Jimenez. Joel Jimenez is at the HD camera. Watkins and Reagan and Watkins. And Joel Jimenez. Joel Jimenez is at Mostly Sorry. Jeremiah Watkins. At Jeremiah Stand Up.

Hit me up on social media and at Patty Reagan on Twitter. Josh Martin. Rush the Eric Andre show. Yeah, definitely do. I've been seeing little clips and that shit's fucking amazing what you guys are doing now. I want you guys to like win an Emmy or something crazy like that. I'm fucking serious. I feel like you guys are hitting a new stride, even though I've always liked the show.

You know what I'm talking about? Anyway, Josh Martin's on Josh Martin Comic. Jessica Michelle Singleton, what's up? I'm at JMS Comedy. I'm touring South Africa next month. What? I'll be in Durban, Cape Town, and Johannesburg. Southern Hemisphere, down in South

Africa. Yeah. Candice Thompson. I'm at Jokes by Candice on social media, and watch Greatest Ever on TruTV. That's picked up. I'm writing some episodes on it. Watch that.

I love these ladies. Great job on the show tonight. I love everything about. Great job on the show tonight. I love everything about everybody that was on the show. Jeremiah Watkins, I got to give you a special shout out. So many huge home runs during this episode. Nailed it. He's got that new paid regular confidence that's creeping up for his skin.

So does Jessica Michelle Singleton. Brilliant Red Band live audience. Thank you so much. Have a good night. Jamie Vernon. Jamie you so much. Have a good night. Jamie Vernon. Jamie Vernon. Jamie. Thank you. across my body You're just an object to me

You're just a piece of me And I am a butcher I love you better Love you forever You're just an object to me Bye. you