KILL TONY - KILL TONY #180

Episode Date: November 18, 2016

Jim Norton, Sam Roberts, Earl Skakel, Pat Regan, Jeremiah Watkins, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Ali Macofsky, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 10/31/2016 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This is Kill Tony! Yar! You can subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Search the iTunes store for Kill Tony. Subscribe. Don't forget to rate and review it. You can go to Tony's website.

That's the Golden Pony headquarters. TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have all the merchandise and tour dates and everything Tony does. He's all over the place. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com there you have all the merchandise and like tour dates and everything tony does he's all over the place go to tonyhingcliffe.com uh also don't forget death squad.tv that's the home base that's where you go when you want anything death squad if you want verbal violence you want kill tony want ice house chronicles what b Brian Redbam do You want anything Death Squad Go to DeathSquad.tv Click on videos

There's all the video portions of everything You can subscribe to us on iTunes If you subscribe to Death Squad You get all the podcasts that we do At Death Squad so you get everything Also ShopSquad.tv Is the official merchandise Of Death Squad

I'm about to release a whole bunch of new shit for winter I know it's been a while Also, ShopSquad.tv is the official merchandise of Death Squad. I'm about to release a whole bunch of new shit for winter. I know it's been a while. It's been a while! I know. I know. I have a bunch of new stuff coming out. I have some sweet hats.

I can't wait to show you what I've been working on. So check out ShopSquad.tv any day now. I'm going to release the winter edition of Death Squad. So look out for that and it will be shipped before the holidays oh romantic um also don't forget ryanjebelt.com he's the house artist and he draws every episode makes prints he has posters ryanjebelt.com all right guys here's a brand new episode hey and by the way if you're listening to this like like within recent like like after it was like released or whatever uh go to come and take it comedy.com if you live in houston or the around houston like texas wherever me and tony tomorrow

in two hours i have to leave my house actually i take that back two hours, I have to leave my house. Actually, I take that back. In an hour, I have to leave my house and go to the airport because I'm going to Houston, Texas with Tony Hinchcliffe. And we are doing a bunch of shows. Joey Diaz is going to be there. It's this big comedy festival in Houston. It's called Come and Take It.

It's tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday. And if you want to know the dates on that, it's November 17th, 18th, 19th, and 20th. We're going to be there. We are actually playing the Saturday shows. So we have a Kill Tony Saturday if you are listening to this in Houston. So come out. Put your name in the bucket. Come on, Houston. You got to come out to the show.

But me and Tony and Joey Diaz will be there all weekend. So you got to check it out. And that's at comeandtakeitcomedy.com for your tickets. And me and Tony are also coming to sketch fest in san francisco and that's in january i think of next year so you have some time but if you live in california or san francisco you know sketch fest that's like a huge deal uh but we're

going to be there also so you can always find all the tour dates by going to DeathSquad.tv and clicking on tour dates. All right, guys, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode of Halloween Edition, Kill Tony, Get Off of Tony Hedgcliffe! Hello. Hi, everybody. Come on, make some more noise than that, you motherfuckers. It's the goddamn number one live podcast in the world.

Keep it going for Brian Redband. Tonight, Indiana Jones. Hey. Hey, it's little Indiana Jones. Hey, what's that? Get out of here. What does Indiana Jones have with him? That little Asian boy.

That little Asian boy from the movie. Hi, Brian. Hi. Welcome back to. This seating is absolutely incorrect. Yeah, it's craziness, right? There you go. Welcome back. You were in Australia for the last two weeks, man. Hi. Welcome back to... This seating is absolutely incorrect. Yeah, it's craziness, right? There you go. Welcome back.

You were in Australia for the last two weeks, man. One, how was the flight? How was the flight? It was great. Everything's great. It was unbelievable. Sold out shows. Thank you to everybody from Australia that went and was there and part of it.

We're big in Australia, it turns out. Oh, yeah. It's like one of the... I like the vibe in this room. Did Pat play all sad songs tonight or something? None of his comedy jams tonight, huh? Really got the crowd warmed up

to a freezing ice momentum in here. Light chuckles. We have the back already open. All wings are open. It wings are open. It's about 40 people here, but we have the place ready for another 200 to come in at any

given moment. Where's Josh? I'm over here. Josh Martin. Have you seen his costume? Look at that. There he is. Look. He's Robin, everybody. From Batman and Robin. On a night in which he could literally be anything that he wants to be.

He picks a number, a number two guy. He picks a fucking sidekick and it's like a night where you get to live your dreams. He goes with one of the top sidekicks of all time. It's not Aquaman at least, but he's also like a muscular version of Robin. You remember?

He's also a muscular version of Josh Martin tonight. So I'm excited. Are you excited? Yeah, look, we got in the audience. Wow, look, it's Ryan J. E. Belt halfway between Clark Kent and Superman drawing tonight's episode. One of our favorite Kill Tony humans ever,

Kiel Uhlberg, the steadicam operator for my one-hour Netflix special, One Shot, is right there, full Doc Brown. And Jamie Vernon on the HD camera. Yo, Jamie. Who, believe it or not, much like Josh Martin, I think, I don't know if he really thought this through, dressed up as one of his favorite YouTube stars. I'm not kidding.

You can't really make that up. What's his name, Jamie? Casey Neistat is who Jamie Vernon is supposed to be. What the fuck is that? Earlier he's like, well you should know because he has like 5 million YouTube followers. I puked in my mouth when he said that if you're wondering.

Oh, 5 million? Is that like a YouTube red star? Is that why we don't know? I don't know any of that technical stuff. I don't even know why you asked me. I don't know. Anyway, what do you want to't even know why you asked me. I don't know. Anyway, what do you want to do? Bring up the band first?

Sure, let's do that. Who loves live bands and hilarious people? I know I do. You got a slight taste maybe of them earlier, but I'm really excited. I haven't seen them in two weeks. They always dress up no matter what Kill Tony episode it is. So I'm really excited to

see what they do on Halloween. Bring your hands together for the Kill Tony band. It's Reagan Watkins and Joel Jimenez. Woo! Wow. Wow. Very impressive. We have Oscar the Grouch,

Kermit the Frog, and Jeremiah Watkins, looking like he always looks. Like a sloppy pig. There he is. You know him. You can see his gut juggling behind that saxophone. There it is.

That's actually what happens when he laughs. Oh, yeah, there he is. Mr. Piggy is here, everybody. Wow. Look at that butt. Look at those legs. Oh, my God. Look at his that butt. Look at those legs. Oh, my God. Look at his front butt.

I feel like Miss Piggy might actually literally have a nicer set of legs than you, and she never needs to use them for anything. Those are actual human legs you have there, Jeremiah. How's it going tonight? Good to be here. Oh, wow. He has the impression. You never know when he's going to fully commit to the character. Miss Piggy. Wow. Oscar the Grouch. Joel Jimenez. He has the impression. You never know when he's going to fully commit to the character.

Wow. Oscar the Grouch. Joel Jimenez. That's Monster. That's Monster. Oh, Monster. Yeah, I don't know. It's been a while since I watched The Muppets, guys.

And then we got, I believe it's Kermit the Frog. Kermit the Frog here wishing everyone a happy fucking Halloween. it's Kermit the Frog. Kermit the Frog here, wishing everyone a happy fucking Halloween. Whoa, Kermit taking advantage of the 21 and over regulations here at the Comedy Store by swearing for the first time in his history. Nobody's been in my pussy for so long, there's fog coming out of it. Wow. Wow. Well, we have a super fucking awesome Halloween and just regular fucking super awesome episode for you guys. So let's just keep blasting through some intros, shall we?

How about this one? We're going to go, I'm just going to bring up one of the guests right now. I know him. You know him. Rose Battle. So many great things. One of my favorite human beings. One of my favorite comedians. And a guy that I've come up with over the last 10 years here. Put your hands together

for the great Earl Skakel. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. For you pro wrestling fans right now, shit for you pro wrestling fans right now. It's Earl Skakel, everybody. There he is. Live and in the flesh. Come on over here, buddy. How's it going, big Earl? Man, the myth, the legend. Well, that didn't work.

Roast battle, finalist, killer. Yeah, the seven Kill Tony fans around the world that are also huge pro wrestling fans are going to lose their shit at that when they watch the video. I mean, the scary thing is I didn't have to buy one thing for this outfit. You know what's scarier? I didn't have to buy one thing for mine either. That's Jeremiah's actual nose.

I've fucked worse. Yes, you have. All right. And we have two other guests. As always, people, I always love to give you some of the funniest, coolest human beings in the world. You guys love comedy, right? Great. Put your hands together for

Jim Norton and Sam Roberts. Fuck yes! Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit Fuck yes, welcome to the show gentlemen Thank you Tony More mic on Jim Norton How's that?

Oh how humiliating Oh it's the absolute fucking My favorite thing. Big surprise. The mics aren't turned up for the guests. Right now. You look like half the women I've fucked. There we go.

We got sound. Jim Norton. Hello. Welcome. Sam Roberts. Thank you for having me. You guys are killing it. So fun.

Love listening to you guys. Thank you. Now on SiriusXM together. In the morning, yeah. Yeah. I love that shit. You're also on tour, Jim. I am, yeah. Where are you going? What do you got coming up on that thing? I'm shooting a special, the 17th in New York. So I'm just doing gigs. I'm at the Melrose

Improv Friday and then just a bunch of stupid gigs leading up to it. There's nothing worse than a fucking overly positive comic. How are you? Blessed. Feel blessed. Really? Fucking hang yourself. That is fantastic. We're gonna have a blast. We're gonna see some new comedians tonight.

We're gonna see some old comedians tonight. We're gonna see a bunch of crazy shit. You guys pumped? Yeah. Should we just jump right into it? Monday night. This isn't... Sometimes we do this in the belly room. This room's a little bit bigger. I literally I, I, this is a, this isn't, we, sometimes we do this in the belly room. This room's a little bit bigger.

I literally can't hear you. Are you guys ready for Kill Tony episode 100? Yay. Fan-fucking-tastic. Well, let's just jump right into it, shall we? And you guys know how it works. I pull your name out of a bucket and you get 60 seconds. If it's your first time, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty.

Aw, that's adorable. Wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Excellent. There you go. Sure. Yep. All right. So here we go.

This is going to be one of those episodes where obviously Brian's going to get better throughout the episode at sound effects. He's going to start really fucking god-awful. But then by the end, I bet, you know, he could win an award. Best morning zoo DJ on a podcast in the world. I hate the ones that say words. Really. Funny sounds are better than people talking. But that is Snoop. Oh, I hate the ones that say words. Really. Funny sounds are better than people talking.

But that is Snoop. Shout out to Snoop, who's not actually on the show right now. I just pulled a name out of the bucket. Looks like someone we've never seen before. We're going to give them uninterrupted 60 seconds, and we're going to talk to them about anything in the world. Here we go. Put your hands together for Jesse Johnson. Woo! for Jesse Johnson.

Hey, everybody. I know I look like I'm 12, but I fuck like I'm 16. Actually, though, if I'm being honest, I accidentally started practicing abstinence before marriage, uh, which sucks because I don't plan on ever getting married. So, I counted it up. I haven't had sex in over a year. Yeah, with anybody else.

I'm not a monster, you know. Um, but I, I'm just worried, like, you know, when I bang again someday, like, what if I forget how to do it? Like, what if I forget how to just lie there, you know? I did get a sex the other day, a sexual text. This guy, I barely know, he sent me the sex. He said, oh, my dick's so hard. And me being a comedian, I was like, how hard is it? You know?

But he didn't, like, you know, I texted it, so he didn't hear my, like, awesome delivery. So he was just, like, so hard. Fuck yeah, Jesse Johnson. 60 seconds. Came in. You got a bunch of punchlines in. That's cool.

What are you supposed to be? A magician. A magician? The Magic Johnson. I bet. I quite enjoyed that. Yeah. I would have enjoyed the opening line.

When you said, I look like I'm 12, I would have enjoyed it more if you said, but I fuck like I'm 10. That would have been it more if you said, but I fuck like I'm 10. Instant punch-up. That is definitely much funnier. That's fun. How long have you been on stand-up? About four and a half years.

Four and a half years. Where are you from? Arizona. How long have you been in L.A.? This is my first time in L.A. We drove down today, my friend Bill and I Fresh off the boat There's Bill I thought the punchlines were funny though

The whole thing about texting and not hearing the great delivery I thought that was really funny, I enjoyed it Sorry, I didn't mean to bum everybody out I try to be polite and I bum So Jessie, are you living here in LA now? I try to be polite and I bomb. So, Jessie, are you living here in L.A. now? No, just visiting. Just visiting.

For this. I was like, so cool I got picked. I've been looking forward to this for about a month. Please, you should back up more as you're talking. What the fuck? Very excited. You are very excited right now. I'm pretty sure I just saw your top hat elevate above your head for a second. So what do you do for work in Arizona?

I work at a coffee shop. How much of what you said is true? Have you really not had sex for a year? Yeah. You got Bill driving you all the way from Arizona, and this poor little gremlin isn't getting any action? Really sad that it's Halloween, and you have those cute little animal ears,

and you're not getting laid at all. Poor Bill. If Bill doesn't get some pussy, he's going to fucking Thelma and Luigia off a cliff. Jesse, so that's all true. What made you go abstinent? You know, I don't want a relationship, but I can't have casual sex, so...

Yeah, you can't. You know, I just... Big Earl. I just, you know, I just maybe some making out, just some mouth stuff. Wow, I mean, you're answering it like I offered, like, what are you willing to do? I don't know, I mean, you know, some mouth stuff?

Fuck yeah. Mouth stuff? That turns into a blowjob real quick. You know, some mouth stuff, a little bit of kissing? Sure. It's a very sexy way of phrasing it. A little mouth stuff, et cetera. She's going to do real well in L.A. comedy.

Totally abstinent. But you can fuck my face until I puke. And I just keep going. I don't even stop. I'm not one of these girls that gag. I just have the liquid flow out and I don't stop. Why aren't you dating

Bill? I don't want a relationship. He drove you here. Bill, you should make her take an Uber back. Jesse, what makes you so deeply convinced that you don't want to be in a relationship? I'm just curious because I'm trying to see where you stand here. So maybe you can talk about it more.

So that one of the things is I don't know what else you have in that chunk of material that you talk about. But I feel like people would want to sort of know why you went abstinent. I had a lot of bad relationships. But you know what? I just like being alone. And I don't really care for it. You picked a good job for it. You know, this is what I like.

Bad relationships that turn you off to men or to turn you off to being with people? Yeah. Cool. Yeah. Cool. You know what I'm saying? Bill, I'd start warming up the engine.

It's going to be a long drive back to Arizona. You could just play this song the entire time that you're driving back. So, Jesse, wow. Anything else? Anything else interesting about you? Do you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? Anything else interesting about you? Do you have any special skills or talents or anything like that?

Anything interesting that only you think is something that's happened to you? Special to you? I can play the trumpet. Really? I knew that was going to go there. More mouth stuff. I love that mouth stuff.

I got a full ride scholarship to NAU on Northern Arizona University in trumpet playing. Wow. Is that what they call it? Crazy time in 08. Were you ever in a band? Yeah.

What kind of music? We were called Monster Couch. We were like a... Monster Couch what? Was it a big couch or did bad things happen on it? We were like rock and blues. There wasn't actually a couch. Wow.

Everything you say is so adorable. You just crack up at yourself every time, no matter what it is. Energy. Just trying to get rid of it. There's a few ways we can do that. Earl is totally down to fuck. Have you ever dated a pig? What the fuck?

Hey, Tony. Yeah, Pat. Jesse messaged me that she was coming to the show where we met in Arizona, and she said her and Bill are going to come out and see the show. Lo and behold, here we are. Magic. Yeah, it really is.

Very interesting. Some stuff should be just movies should be made about it. Yeah, absolutely. The long drive that the jockey magician took. Oh, Bill liked that one especially. Alright, Jesse. Well, I mean, we got to know a little bit about you. Anything else for Jesse, guys? Any other questions? No, I enjoyed Jesse.

I think that she's fucking filthy. You don't see it coming. Some good punchlines. Totally. Earl, any other questions? Like phone number or anything from Jesse? No, she's green as a leprechaun right now. What's your secret, though?

What's the thing that's making you not be in a relationship? Are you a squirter? Or do you have big areolas? Are they dark areolas? Brian, you just can't sexually harass people all the way like that. Redband, she's going to tell you she's a squirter whenever she says she does mouth stuff.

Yeah, and I'm also a squirter. Yeah, you know, making out with guys, I just fire off like a hydrant, you know what I mean? Dude, have some class, man. You take it in the ass. Alright, Jesse, you did it. You've waited for this the fucking month. You got lucky. Right out of the bucket.

Jesse Johnson, everybody. Very nice. Dreams coming true. Oh, now she's not sitting with Bill anymore. That was pretty awesome. Now there's just an empty seat next to Bill if anybody wants to join him. Poor guy.

Bill, did you sign up too? Wow. Holy shit. Amber alert. This looks like another new name. Let's see what happens here. Put your hands together for Ryan Little. Hey, guys. So over the weekend, my girlfriend was telling me this story I never heard before.

It's about this school teacher in the middle of nowhere, Tennessee, who's teaching a bunch of kids about the Holocaust. You've got to put the mic to your mouth, Holmes. In the mouth? Start over, start over, start over. Guys, give it up for Ryan Little, everybody. Here we go. Thank you, thank you. Here we are.

Alright, over the weekend, my girlfriend was telling me a story about this school teacher in the middle of nowhere, Tennessee, who was teaching kids about the Holocaust. And this sounds really dark, but this is actually the true part of the joke. These kids, they've never heard of the Holocaust before. She's trying to teach it to them. And she realizes they can't rationalize

what six million dead bodies would be like. They can't wrap their heads around it. So she puts out this philanthropic call to arms, asks people to send them paperclips, so you can try to show these kids just an idea of it. And lo and behold, the news goes out nationwide, worldwide, international communities are sending them paperclips. Fucking Tom Hanks is mailing paperclips.

I know you're legit when Tom Hanks is mailing you presents. So they amassed 10 million paperclips and they only needed 6 million. And I'm working on this theory that people think becoming smart means you become less stupid but I think you're always at this base level of dumb person. And becoming smart means you have a little bit quick on the draw, smarter things than dumb things. But when she told me that they had 10 million paperclips

even though only 6 million died for whatever reason, the first thing that went through my normal, very Jewish-looking, intelligent face was oh, fuck, now we need to have another Holocaust. Wow! I like you, that's all I got.

Ryan Little, everybody. 60 seconds. 60 seconds. 59 of those seconds were used to set up that big punchline. That's the one. Yeah, man. His shirt's just like his last name, Little. What? That is the stupidest joke I've heard since I came back from Australia.

Dude, I'm in a pig costume. What do you expect? You look like Andy Kindler if he gave a shit about himself. What is that supposed to be? So if anyone's playing Kill Tony Halloween Bingo, I'm the guy that thought there was a mandatory costume rule? No, there was. I said that there was originally, and I love that.

This is the Netflix grounded version of Marvel's Iron Fist that drops this March 17th. March 17th, go on Netflix. Holy, wait, wait, wait, wait a second. What are you, plugging? Yeah, you're getting heckled by my autistic friend over here for being too big of a nerd. You literally are promoting a superhero that doesn't...

It's going to be really cool. I'm ahead of my time. Oh, you are not. We heard your set tonight, Ryan. You are not ahead of your time. You are 60 years late to a decent Holocaust joke. People were laughing more about the Holocaust inside of Auschwitz than they were at your Holocaust joke.

It's a hot room. I'm dying here, but that was a good one. Took their breath away, Ryan. Yeah, they had a gas. Yeah, but it was too much exposition. Too much explaining. When you say Holocaust,

we all know it's probably going to be dark. Just get to it a little faster. We were excited to see where you were going there. How long have you been on stand-up? This is my third time. Third time ever. Look at Ryan. Basically a baby, guys. He hasn't been doing it a lot. He's just been doing it a little.

Oh, another little call. Ryan Little. I mean, I can't imagine. I'd imagine that the reason why you are a nerd, but yet you were finding out here that you are very pretty buff. For a guy that's promoting a superhero that comes out March of 2017, you have quite the guns on you, and I'm guessing that if your last name wasn't Little, you would have a body that matches your face.

I don't know. I don't know. It looks like he can take an iron fist. You know what I'm saying, people? That shirt fits you like Winnie the Pooh. So not the dad bug. One thing that your joke did have that's something that I think you learned pretty early on is that if you ever have math parts of your joke or numbers, it usually gets people out of what you're talking about and thinking like, oh, I got to do math in my head.

They're called math jokes. But it's your third time on stage. Yeah. Paper clips. Yeah. 10,000, 7,000, whatever. Tell me more about Ryan Little. Let's find out a little bit more about Ryan, shall we?

Because we know nothing about you, right? No, no. World premiere of Ryan Little. Wow. From middle of nowhere, Pennsylvania. What part of the middle of Pennsylvania? What's the name of it? Eastern Pennsylvania. Second place in Declaration of Independence was right out loud. Cool.

Great fact. Really proud of that. Keep going. Is that the most interesting thing about you, Ryan? That's where Larry Holmes was from. I was. It was where Larry Holmes was from. Yeah, Larry Holmes.

Don't fucking mention another nerdy shit. Larry. I was conceived. Ryan, let's think deeper here. Okay. Let's find out who are you. Let's think deeper here. Let's find out, who are you?

It's a segment we started a few months ago that is just called, Who Are You? And we find out about somebody who's never been on the show. I'm one of the last babies that was born with a canceled fertility pill called Clomid. Because people kept having sex toplets. Now it explains everything. People kept having sex toplets? Sex toplets. Six babies. Hello. Wow. So they took it off the market. So there's five brothers and sisters that your

mother likes. I once got laid because of how much I looked like Seth Rogen. That's a true story. Really? Jesus. Oh my God. That's when I was playing D1 rugby much I look like Seth Rogen. That's a true story. Really? Jesus. Oh, my God. That's when I was playing D1 rugby, so I was like even more in the honesty before you. Middle of sex, she just goes, I love how much you look like Seth Rogen. Wow.

Some chick said that she fucked you because you look like Seth Rogen. Mid-thrush, she said, I love how much you look like Seth Rogen. What a cunt. I know. You're about as funny as him too, Ryan Little. Yeah, fuck you, Seth Rogen. Remember when you picked against me in Rose Battle, you piece of shit? Oh, I'm going to go with that guy because I do am fat and Canadian.

Was it really worth it to make that joke, you motherfucker? Huh? Dumbass. Fucking piece of shit. Yeah, I'm calling out Seth Rogen. Never going to listen to this. Seth, I'm calling out Seth Rogen. Never going to listen to this. Seth, I love you. I do too.

Oh, yeah, because he gave you. You went up after me, right? That was Jimmy Carr. That was the Jimmy Carr. Yeah, the Montreal Screwjob. I'd like to read off of a fucking clip or two. Tonight you're staying. That night you were Shawn Michaels.

Again, for two wrestling fans. They're not here. They're on the internet. But they're going to love that reference. Put your hands together, by the way. A special shout out to your weight staff. Sophie and Erica tonight. Very rarely get to give them a shout out. But they specially request

this show to get to work this show on Mondays because they like it. They're fucking badasses. Make sure that you take care of them. Back to you, Ryan. The Pilt. How many brothers and sisters do you have? I have one big sister and one little brother. One big sister and one little brother.

No middle child syndrome here. They're right here. How do you make your money, Ryan? I'm sorry? How do you make your money? I'm a showrunner's assistant. A showrunner's assistant? Yes, sir.

What show? It's a secret. Ooh. It's that superhero show you were just talking about. Thank God they told me this is being recorded or I might have said it. Let me ask you an important question. How old's your sister? Most likely 29. Way too old.

By 17 years. So, Ryan, let's talk more about how long have you lived in L.A.? A year and a half now. A year and a half. Yeah. Wow. The show that you're working on, it's a big popular show. That's why you can't talk about it, right?

Kind of, sort of, maybe. All right, Ryan. I can't allow trouble. You're really beating around the bush here. Why would you get in trouble just for doing Starry? You're not saying anything bad. It's the Baywatch reboot. What?

Wow. Yeah. Wait. Do you have any behind-the-scenes stories? Yeah, that only a showrunner's assistant would know about. I'm shooting in Alaska. They already rebooted Baywatch. No, this is the spinoff reboot.

It's Hollywood. Yeah, you idiot, Pat. You're supposed to know your Baywatch trivia. Wow. They're going to reboot it off the network. Everything's such shit these days. We make the same shit. As a showrunner.

Why bad Santa 2? Pat's doing his thing down there where he just commits, double commits to whatever he was going to finish. Pay no attention to this. It's just a big fucking race to make a bunch of shit. Now I opened it up. Oh, shit. Everyone dinked.

They got the carrot everyone's running after to fucking make some shit. It's a goddamn conspiracy, according to Pat Reagan. These reboots. You can't tell. And you have to sign a nondisclosure agreement that you can't talk about Baywatch. How stupid is that? I signed 12. I'm on my 12th NDA.

I absolutely agree. Awesome. I had to sign a non-disclosure agreement to not talk about Poo-Pourri. Who gives a fuck? Hey, Tony, can I just add that this is the ugliest I've ever felt? Really? Yes, but it's the best you've ever looked. Wow.

Jim motherfucking Norton in the house. One of my favorite. We light up Jeremiah continuously, and that might be one of my favorite ones ever. That's going to be a great fucking gift. Hopefully that camera, Jamie, one of us. Anyway, so Ryan, tell us like something else interesting about you and your life. Sure you got laid once, but you know, what's something

that you, what's something that happens like that's part of your normal routine that might be sort of off or different about you, about Ryan Little? Part of my normal routine? Weirdest thing you ever jerked off to? Don't think that hard. Yeah.

I'm going to say the first time I jerked off was on accident. At an accident? The weirdest thing I ever jerked off to was nothing. Yeah. That scratch you just couldn't... How existential of you. It was nothing. Yeah. That scratch, you just couldn't. How existential of you.

It was really strange. It was a real coming-of-age moment. Uh-oh. Yeah, I think I watched an episode of it. Hey, did you cum a lot or a little? What I love is that it clearly affects Ryan every time. I don't know how much of a tension you guys are paying to it, but he does this complete 360 eye roll every time Jeremy.

I'm just like, fuck. Makes a little joke. I can tell. That's what I was talking about with the muscles. I can tell that that deeply affects you. The top three names, Ryan was the fourth pick. Number one was Richard. Number two was Peter. I'm not talking about your first name. I was almost

Dick Little and Peter Little and Seamus Little. Wow. Anyway, Ryan. Now you're joke little. Oh, it's so good to be back. I'm sorry. I'm just a man in a pig costume. I don't mean any of this. If you were Dick Little, we'd have a field day. A bunch of comedians with Dick Little, I would have been like, oh, what about your name?

Place would have went crazy. Did your brother get a weird name? No, he's Brendan. Brendan Little. It's B, B Money. Yikes. He picked it. Yeah.

He did? He picked B Money, not Brendan. He came out of the womb and was like, I'm Brendan. Brendan, Brendan, Brendan. I'm Brendan, baby. What's your sister look like? Mostly me. Mostly me.

I'm good. So did we ever get an answer out of you? What was the weirdest thing you ever jerked off to? I told you nothing. Yeah, just nothing. Oh, jeez. It just kind of happened. It wasn't bad.

Terrible answer. Terrible answer. How about on the internet? Weirdest thing on the internet you've ever jerked off to? Nothing. Just kept the screen blank and went for it. Didn't even put my password in. Probably a Japanese tentacle monster.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, tentacle monster. Oh, Jesus Christ. Tentacle monster fan. We found the one guy that's currently jerking off to that right now. Josh Meyerowitz. Couldn't quite believe it. So is that anime? Yeah, it's like the porn version. You've jerked off to the same creature, have you?

He's been waiting for a venue. He's like, yes, finally. Wow. What did you jerk off to that thing doing? I don? He's been waiting for a venue. He's like, yes, finally. Wow. What did you jerk off to that thing doing? I don't understand anime. I've never done anything like that. There's an obscure genre of pornography that's about anime characters being attacked by phallic tentacle monsters.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. The autistic kid just answered like it was a trivia question. Yes, final answer, definitely. Went there, did it, moved on, but there's people that buy it on Blu-ray. It's a big deal to them. Blu-ray?

You actually have to put it in a thing? Who does that? Who does that? More like Blu-ray. We need to do Blu-ray's sound effects so bad. Who does that? Dicks to be. I suddenly don't feel as creepy jerking off to ISIS videos.

Fuck yes. Brian, I like your style, man. You're three times in. You're the opposite of funny right now. But I feel like you have the face of a guy that has a good work ethic. And I feel like... Yes, the son of Sam. I feel like if you love it, of Sam. I feel like, you know,

if you love it, you're going to fucking do it and nothing's going to stop you. You're three sets in. This didn't break me, so I don't think anything will. Say that again? I said, this didn't break me,

so I don't think anything will. Wait. This didn't break you, so you don't think anything will. No, this is rock bottom. I'm feeling it. Really? No, this is great.

Do a bringer show. Yeah. You're having fun. Really? No, this is great. Do a bringer show. Yeah. You're having fun. It's going to take a couple years before you do anything more fun than this. You're going to be chasing this dragon until your t-shirt comes out on Netflix in March of 2017. March 17th.

Alright, Ryan. Nice to meet you, dude. There he goes. This is a guy that like reads comic books while bench pressing. Ryan Little. He's on Twitter at MrRyanComics. Jesse Johnson's on Twitter at JetSkiJohnson. JetSkiJohnson and MrRyanComics. What's Bill's Twitter?

I don't know. I don't know. Bill doesn't look like he has one. Friend zone 23. Well, I'll tell you this. I've been hosting this show for a while and you can always tell fun things when you see the piece of paper.

You get sort of always foreshadowing it may be something crazy that's to come. And on the Twitter handle for this, they have scratched out the word Twitter and they have put in the word email and they just left their email here. I'm not going to say the email out loud on a live podcast that has over 100,000 downloads per week, luckily for you, because people would fuck with you. But instead, I will say your name and we're going to give you an uninterrupted 60 seconds.

This should be interesting. Put your hands together for Jim Donnelly. Oh, come on. Don't be afraid just because I said it was weird that you left your email. Oh, fucking chicken shit. You should say his email to teach him a fucking lesson. I mean...

Yeah! Do it! Do it! Fuck this guy. J-I-M acting at gmail.com That's jimacting at gmail.com. That's JimActing at gmail.com.

Jim, last chance. If you're here, get your redemption. Don't be afraid. Jim, are you here? JimActing at gmail. Where are you? Yeah, JimActing at gmail.com. All right.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like another new name. Let's see what happens. Put your hands together for Barry Peterson. Happy Halloween, everybody. A lot of kids from divorced homes, I'm sure. My parents got divorced when I was five years old I've been spending my entire adult life trying to figure out why my mom is so fucking angry

It took me until I was an adult to figure out that my dad liked handicapped women And women with handicapped kids So my dad went so far one time to tell a lady, just to get some pussy That I was retarded And she then dumped him when she found pussy that I was retarded and she then dumped him when she found out that I was not retarded enough she had a retarded kid she was angry at my dad and I can remember the ride to this lady's house and he told me how we were going to go to school together and when I got there

a naked retarded kid chased me down the fucking road. So anyway, that's all I got, ladies and gentlemen. Fuck yeah. What? Barry Peterson with a little 50-second story. That sounds real. Yeah, it's very rare that a joke is the actual great line for an excellent porno. Well delivered, Jim. Fucking clumsy asshole I am So Jim, how close to true is that?

A hundred percent Wow, you got chased down a what by a retarded kid? A flight of what? What is it? My dad would pick me up like every other weekend A flight of stairs Yeah, you got picked out of a what by a retarded kid? My dad would

pick me up. So on the way, you know, like a 40 minute ride, he's telling me how I can move in with him and he's going to get married again. And she's got a son named Randy and he's 13. I think I was 10. You guys can go to school together and you know, you guys are going to go to school together and all this and it'll be great.

Are you telling us a longer version of the story you told us earlier? The question is, what did this retarded kid chase you down? I want to know about the drive with your dad. When we showed up at the house, she wasn't ready. So she's behind the door. Hey, boys, I'm not ready. And the door was being pulled. Oh, like a bad dog was behind there. Something like that. Little 13 year old retard.-year-olds are strong, too. He got the retard strength, and he jerked it open. Right. And he came after me, and he wanted a hug.

So I took off running. You took off running like it was an animal. My dad was yelling at me to stop. He just wants a hug, and I was freaked the fuck out. Did you let him give you a hug afterwards? No, he was naked. He was naked. Wow.

Did you leave that out of the story or did I just miss it? It's my first time up here ever. Right. I think he did say that. I was amazed at the willpower. How long is your first time ever in my life? Ever doing stand-up? Ever in my life.

Wow, Barry Peterson. You hear that sound? Yeah! We love that here on this show. Hey, Tony? Didn't he just recite the plot of The Goonies? Hey, you guys! Yeah, this retired 13-year-old with a baby

Ruth in its hand all of a sudden got unchained from a... Six-hour drive from the 209 just to come up here. You came from 209. Fuck yeah. Those are my people. Stocked and slapped for life. Do you want to do stand-up or was it just you had to tell that story?

That's a good question. It's a long story. You know what? I grew up... Oh boy. Let's do the 60 second version. You know what? I just because of podcasts like this and fucking Melissa Esslinger and other people like this. These guys right here. Melissa Esslinger was your inspiration? No, no, no.

I don't know what that song means there, but. There's no shit like this where I grew up, ever. So just, you know. How long did it take them to figure out you were not retarded? I don't know if they ever did, Jim. Well, we should show them tonight's performance. Anyway. I love the outfit, though.

He looks like every 80s pro wrestler I ever grew up watching. Yeah, that's really cool. You made a long drive. You wanted to do this show. You executed with your story better than fucking some people that have been on this show that have been doing it 10 years from Hokie, Ta, whatever. So that's pretty fucking cool. What about, like, you know, you think this is the only time that you'll do it or do you think this is the start of something cool for you? Or are you just such a Kill Tony fan that you specifically wanted to come on this show and just do 60 seconds?

Oh, you know, I mean, it's, I think, how many people have that fucking dream, but, you know, I drove up here and put my name in the hat and got pulled, so. That is so fucking cool. Good for you, Barry. I mean, what can I say? What do you do for work? We owned a restaurant. I'm supposed to bring you barbecue in, like, a few weeks or whatever, so we own a restaurant.

What do you serve in the restaurant? Pennies and paint chips? Yes, sir. We do nothing but burgers and high-quality barbecue. High-quality. Oh, yeah. You post amazing pictures of cheeseburgers on my wall all the time. Oh, you have the Kill Tony poster in your restaurant. Now it's all coming together. It's all coming together. You have that poster in in your restaurant. Now it's all coming together.

You have that poster in your legitimate restaurant. Now let me ask you something. When an inspector comes in and they see a podcast poster on a wall, do you automatically get a B? Is that what you're starting from there? I live in Modesto, Tony. They don't know what Kill Tony is. They also don't know what a B rating is in Modesto.

Where did that code come from? Did you just have it? I used it for a stupid video I did in a lady that's an acting actress. You're a bit of a performer, aren't you? No, I'm not at all. I don't know. I'm a fucking stupid idiot. What was the video?

I feel like there's a... I think it was leaving Sandusky's house. A guy named Crazy Lokes. A guy named Crazy Lokes in a music video? Have you ever been arrested? No, sir. Very close. Never got caught.

Never got popped. Barry, what's another thing that you think is interesting to you specifically? Not many people have been chased by a naked retard, as you called it before. What else? Anything else interesting? I wonder how high the retard count is right now on this podcast. I already checked the numbers. It's fucking retarded.

There's been a lot of them. There's not many places you can say the word retard anymore. There is. You live in it. It's the 209. That's pretty much where you can scream it from the hilltops. Shout out to the 209. People are like, where you can scream it from the hilltops. Shout out to the 209. People are like, where? Fuck them.

Number one at stolen cars. Very proud of that. Barry's from, I don't know, you're a fighting fan. That's where the Diaz brothers are from. Same area. Stockton. Do they ever come into your burger joint? No, Stockton's 30 minutes. Actually nicer than Modesto now. If I were you, I would try to get them in there

because they're cool as fuck. You get the Diaz brothers. You get Stockton, my friend. That's a big market. I think you were supposed to stop last time and you ended up shitting in a bush or something like that. Oh, yeah. That's what's sad about when people are like, hey, swing by my restaurant on your drive down. And then I end up doing a Rogan podcast where I'm talking about other places that I ate on that specific drive.

You know what I mean? That sort of had to fuck with you a little bit. But I saw an A&W and I got caught up and it was a whole thing. Alright. Made it weird there, Barry. That's what happens when you tweet at people and have high expectations. You ever heard about this music, reggae? Yeah. Yeah, you ever heard about it?

Yeah, I've heard about it. That's a setup for something. Here we go. It's pretty good. I just like it. I just want to give a quick shout out to reggae music. Fuck yeah. Alright, Barry, you did it. You got on Kill Tony, and you did really good by the way, man. For Barry Peterson, everybody.

Rock and roll, Barry. Congrats. This has been a very giving bucket. It almost seems like anybody who made a drive or a long trip is getting pulled out of the bucket. I almost feel bad for you comics that made the short, long drive from Orange County

because you're getting fucked up. Put your hands together for Nate Robinson Jr. Alright. Moving on. Wait, is it coming? Nate Robinson Jr., ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. So I'm in my late 20s,

and the only thing I see on Facebook these days are fucking baby pics. And I'm like, all right, we get it. You had sex. Quit bragging. First off, if that thing is under six months, it's fucking ugly. Every single one. No, yours is not the exception.

Every single one looks like a template for a 1980s horror movie villain. Or Jim. Obviously, I don't really want any kids myself. I enjoy me time way too much. I had a friend tell me the other day that he only can jerk off when his wife and kids are out of town, because those things just come and go as they please, and may

pop in at any given moment. If my kid walked on to me while I was masturbating, I'd be fucking pissed. I'd be furious. I'd be so mad, I'd probably hit the kid with my cock like he was a piñata until he learned his lesson. Maybe he'll think about that the next time he wants to talk to me about Pokemon Go for the 14th fucking time.

Nate Robinson, in and out. 52 seconds. First ever. Something special just happened, ladies and gentlemen. First ever, first ever black comedian ever to do less than his given time on stage in the history

of stand up so you got to see that in the room where Richard Pryor was built like you got to see history here Nate Robinson nice to meet you first time on the show right? first time ever first time doing stand up? holy fucking shit!

What the fuck? What is happening tonight? We're just popping cherries like crazy. I'm friends with Ryan. First time on stage, and you had the balls to take a shot at Jim Norton. I gotta give you some credit for that. No, no, I do think I speak for the group. My appearance

should not be fodder for you. But you did win me back, though. You talked about beating your own baby with your cock. Like he was a piñata. Yeah, I'm like, that's a guy I could spend time with. That is awesome.

How old is your baby? I don't have any kids. Oh, my Jesus Christ. This is a fucking miracle. You got to start squirting inside. My dad had a lot of kids, so that kind of scared me. How many did your dad have? Five, but it's enough.

Is he an NBA player? No. Did anybody else think that his voice was going to be like, oh, hell yeah, what up? And then he's like, you know, what's the problem

with these Facebook pixies days? What's going on here? Slam a baby with my cock? What are you doing? What are you doing? Huh? It's funny.

You remind me if Snoop Dogg played a reservoir dog. Something like that. That's one of my favorite movies of all time. That is one of your favorite movies. Is time. That is one of your favorites.

Is that what you're dressed as? No, Jules from Pulp Fiction. I wish you were dressed like Marvin. That's a great reference. Nate Robinson, this is your first time ever on stage. Do you work? Sorry. What do you do?

I'm an Uber and Lyft driver. Wow. So for Halloween, you're dressed as an Uber Black driver. You wanted to upgrade, see what it's like on the upper scale of the Uber world. What's your rating right now? It's like a 4.89. Wow, 4.89. That's pretty good.

I was the.2. You gave him a rough one? Yeah. Jesus, Earl. You know, you don't good. I was the point, too. You gave him a rough one? Yeah. Jesus, Earl. You know, you don't have to always play the racist character. I mean, even in an Uber, you're fucking with these people? Who's playing a character?

Oh, Jesus Christ. All right, there you go. Red band. Red band. Come on, Brian. Get it together, Brian. I'll say it just to make you happy. Fucking Brian. Every time there's a black person on.

Security. All right. Somehow this is more racist, you guys not committing to it. Yeah, I know, right? And just kind of being like, oh, let's go through the actions again. I know, it is.

That's what happens when you play slave music on a show. If there was any regulations... And that one, what he thinks is funnier than the old joke is so much more annoying than the original joke that I've written. And we find out how loud he can actually make things when he wants to do something. Meanwhile, the comedian mic level, always at about a 1.5. Yeah, it really is frustrating.

Oh! So, Nate, let's talk about your real life. Let's get more into it. You're working Uber. You ever have a hookup in your Uber? Not in the car, but from it, yeah. Wow. How'd that go down? Well, it was weird. It was these

two chicks. Alright, so when you have an Uber Lyft... So I got these two banging chicks in the back, okay? I take them up to the apartment. I'm like, hey, can I put my dick inside you? And they're like, okay, let's do it. Man, you actually finally have the nose to do this black person impression. Hey, I was born and raised in an all-black neighborhood.

I could get away with these jokes. And I'm racist. I'm one of the only white guys that Russell Simmons uses on shit. So go fuck yourselves if you think I'm racist. My uncle Russ. They may have seen this next comedian as one of the only white guys Russell Simmons uses on shit. It's true. It is.

That's like my 17th credit. Nate, back to this hookup. How did it happen? It was weird. The name on the account was like something. Let me guess, first of all. They get in the car and you're like, so where do you ladies want to go? And they're like, Brown

Town. It was before they even got into the car. It was before they got to the car. Before? Yeah. Wow. So by the way they waved you down, they're just like, yeah? So the chick comes into the car. I'm like, all right.

So for Jim and Mary, she's like, fuck Jim. There is no more Jim. We got divorced. I was like, okay. It's awesome. Wow. And what better way to get even? Oh, hell yeah.

Just then. She's just taking selfies of you inside of her. She's on the bed of houses, like, yeah, how do you like that? Hey, Jim, and I'm on your Uber. And I hooked up with this guy on your Uber account. That's the most fucked up part, right? You paid for that shit. Right. What's this $14 ride from Nate Robinson Jr.?

And why is this profile pic with my wife? Okay, so we're divorced. Okay, so she gets in the car with her friend or whatever who's Australian and really drunk and obnoxious. And so we're driving back to the place and her obnoxious Australian friend's like, Hey, this Uber driver's really black. You should really hook up with him. He's probably got a big dick. And I'm just like, all right.

And she goes, can I feel your dick? I was like, I'm driving. So you're like, fuck yeah, you can feel my dick. Hell yeah. All right. Brian, you earned that one. That was a bad one. And what guy, when a girl says, I want to feel your dick, goes, not now, madam.

Rules of the road. Who the fuck says that not now, madam. Rules of the road. Here, here. Have a bottle of water and a breath mint to hold you over. How fast did you pull over? I didn't pull over. I was like, I gotta get people to their place. Once we got back after, you know, the

pretty much it's a car crash noise. Once we got back after, you know, the drunk... Pretty much. It's a car crash noise. Keep going, Nate. Stay in the pocket. You're doing a great job for first time ever on stage, by the way. So we got back to the place, and, you know, drunk Frank gets out the car, goes towards the house, and, you know, semi-sober drunk divorce trick is like, you know, it's a shame my friend's being such a bitch. You know, you seem really cool. We really have a fun time hanging out.

It's a shame we got to go back to work. And I'm like, I got time. Yeah. You could just turn that shit off whenever you want. Right. Oh, hell yeah. She's like, I wish you had time for a drink. I was like, I got time for a drink.

Went back into her place. She, she, she was, it was weird. She was my first, she was first woman over 40. Man. Ooh, shit. Damn. Barely legal. Really annoying though. She was like annoying. She had the annoyance of like a 24

year old drunk college chick. Like, right. She had the annoyance of a 24-year-old drunk college chick. You should have graduated already, but you kind of got to get out of it. Wow. Yeah. Did you go down on her? No, she went down on me. I bet she did. I'll tell you this, though.

You know how they say older women, they... Yeah. Sure. No, I don't. What do they say? Yeah. Go ahead, Nate. Finish it.

They know what they're fucking doing. Really? What did she do that was different that you don't normally get from the normal girls that you hook up with? Do you remember anything specific? Did she go, like, all the way, like, down lower and use her hand? What was going on there? Did she suck your dick and tie her charm bracelet around your ass? She licked your balls, your ass, your taint.

Most enthusiastic blowjob I've ever had. Did she put her diabetes socks around you? You haven't met shit. So a very bouncy one. And then all of a sudden, what? She straddles you, gets on top? Are you still in the driver's seat, or did you go into her place? We went into her place.

Wow. And her Aussie friend was what? Passed out somewhere? She went into another room. Better yet. Wow. So you had the room to yourself. She was in the living room for a bit, but then she just dipped somewhere.

And then? And then we started making out. Wait, after the blowjob you started making out? Nate, we gotta help you out a little bit here, dude. It's a certain order of events. You're running the bases the wrong direction, my friend. Exactly. What you use is a rubber, a trash bag.

By the way, just to give podcast listeners context, there's eight thirsty guys on stage listening to this story. And what happened next? Yeah. And it's... Wow. You almost had like a planned maneuver

in case you ever wore a dress. Like you had a way you were going to play that. That's very impressive. Master improviser Jeremiah Watkins. By improviser I mean that's one of only two songs he knows how to play on the saxophone. Okay, so Nate. So, all right. Now you're hooking up in the bed.

Goes all the way. Anything else stand out to you? No, no, no, no, no, no. She blew me a came. She wanted me to hang out. And then, like, she blew me a came. I've never seen somebody brush off coming that quick. She blew me a came.

Did you do me a... I've never seen somebody brush off coming that quick. She blew me a game. Where did you shoot your fucking geyser? Jesus Christ. Earl, where's your other hand right now? Where it should be. Did you shoot in her face, on her jugs? What?

Well, like I said... She's a swallower. Yeah. She's a swallower. She's a swallower. Over 40, they have no... They don't have any taste buds left. I know. She's like, is this an insurer shake?

This is why I fucking love you, Pat. And like, one of the coolest things that happened to me in Australia, totally jumping out of the show for a second, was how many people, and I texted Jeremiah this, there were literally people that were doing impressions of you two to me,

like in like, hanging out afterwards, like while like, taking pictures and saying hi to people, and so many people in Australia were like, that fucking Pat Reagan can't decide whether I love him or hate him but then when I decide that I hate him he always gets in that one fucking line

in which it's like damn it I love this guy and you just did it again like I get to see exactly what they're talking about from the other side of the world because that insure shake saying that because she's an older lady downing the cum it's like an insure shake, saying that because she's an older lady, downing the cum, it's like an insure shake. Pat Reagan.

Okay, back into it. That's my boy Patty Reagan right there. I'm interested to see what's going to happen now because you're saying that that's not the most entertaining part of the story, the blowjob and cumming. This has gotten into a very Tarantino type of style now where I feel like we're going to shoot ahead or back. Well, no. I mean, she wanted to talk and hang out. She was talking about her fucking nieces and nephews, and I didn't give a shit at all.

So she went to go to the bathroom. So I texted my roommate that emergency text. I was like, yo, call me in three fucking minutes. You know, da-da-da-da-da. So he called me. Did you call your own Uber? Yeah, I did. I kept the meter running the whole time, though, so you know.

You did. No, no. No, you didn't, that's so funny well there is that part right at the end when you're about to close the door behind you where you have to be like by the way, five stars right? I mean that's just a killer story, like you know that's sort of like what I always try to fish for is things like that

for your first time on stage, I mean, that's a fully loaded fucking thing that only you can talk about. I'm new to stand-up, fucking Uber driver, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then it's just home run derby from that point. I mean, everything you just wired off and some of the things that we threw in there, it's easily a good two-minute bit. And you have a beginning and a close and all that shit. It's all already there. Except I won't always be on stage to be humiliated you're in the you're in the zone nate you have you have an interesting you have a regular on stage presence like you've been doing this a

few years you play music or anything like that nope really yeah first time ever on a stage doing anything uh when i was younger my uh dad was was really religious so we went to church. One time I did they have a kid service and I did a 20 fucking minute sermon in front of church people. Wow. Did you preach about the evils of date raping 40 year old alcoholics?

Yeah. Oh, a telephone for some reason. Somebody going to answer that? So, wow. Nate, you're cool as fuck, man. It was fucking nice to meet you. Really great stuff.

Thank you. Great stuff. Great first appearance. Nate Robinson, Jr. Hold on one second. Wait, Nate. Wait. Fuck it.

He's on Twitter at Dr. Broccoli. Dr. Broccoli. Dr. Broccoli's on Twitter at Dr. Broccoli. Dr. Broccoli. Dr. Broccoli? Did you say Dr. Broccoli? Nate, why is your name? All right. Jesus Christ, guys. What is your thing?

What is this thing that you guys keep doing where you go harder and longer after each comedian? It's unbelievable. Fucking. Nate, why are you Dr. Broccoli? That song is called Hella High. Oh, there are you Dr. Broccoli? There he goes. He's Dr. Broccoli. Where are you? I didn't see that.

That's JimActing at gmail.com. JIM Acting. No underscore. No interruptions. Get more drinks, people. Get more drinks. Did I mention Erica and Sophie getting everybody wasted tonight? What? Aaron? Oh, I'm sorry.

Jesus Christ. By the way, that was the best white girl voice I've heard in a while. My name's Aaron. Hi, Aaron. Seriously, I'm not Erica. I'm Aaron. What a baby. Jesus Christ.

I need everybody to know that it's Aaron. Would you guys lay off Aaron? You want to get out of here? I could not have told you. Fucking where's angry Waldo tonight? All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket, and this name is Sue Matzo. Is that a real name?

Sue Matzo. Sue, if there's anybody named Sue, it's you. All right. Where's Sue Matzo? That sounds like a showbiz name. Sue Matzo. Nice commitment, Sue, you twat. Sounds like a showbiz name.

Sue Matzo. Nice commitment, Sue, you twat. All right. Here's another one. How about a name that goes by Chelsea Leach? Yay! So I'm a vegan. I've been holding that in all day. We do. We have to tell everybody that we're vegan.

It's like I'm holding in a shit when I've got hard food poisoning. It's going to come out one way or another. Uninvited. I'm sorry. I'm not Australian. I'm not. I'm from shitty middle America, Beartown, Wisconsin, where obesity and the plus-size inner tube were invented. But for 12 seconds there, I was a 10. Okay?

There could be anybody up here. There could be a hairless, 90-year-old piece of shit dog with five hairs left on its body. But if that dog has a deep, shirtless, Australian hue... Finish it, go. You would fuck that dog. Thank you. Chelsea Leach, there you go. That would be where it ends. It would be you go. That would be where it ends.

It would be right there. That would be where... Okay, Chelsea, how's it going? It's going... I almost said it did on Australian... Sorry, it's going very good. I almost said it's going very good. You're so crazy, I can't tell which is real and what's not.

I know, right? I can't tell whether you're Australian, vegan, bipolar, what's going on here exactly. It seems like a lot of everything. Yeah. What is it? I'm sorry, what did you say? What is true out of all that stuff you talked about? I'm from Wisconsin

and I'm vegan. Yeah. Those two things are true. That's an interesting thing. Why do you have an Australian accent? It's funny, but how did you come to do the Australian accent? I do it in real life. I do it on my day-to-day basis when I get nervous. When you're cooking a shrimp on the barbie. Or when I'm at work.

Why? Why do you do that? What level of crazy do you have to be to just take on an Australian accent being from Wisconsin? Like, how crazy are we talking here exactly? Tony, you never do chores around the house. You're like, I'm going to wash the windows right now. I'm now washing the dishes, vacuuming the carpet, feeling better about myself. Right.

That's true. You don't do that, Tony? You said that you do it when you're networking? No. I do it when I'm nervous. I do it when I'm nervous or just for fun when I'm bored. So I just progressively get really good at it. That's a mental

illness. Yeah. It really is. Either that or she was really molested. Yeah, deeply. Perhaps even by Nate Robinson Jr. Like, I mean... She was molested by a didgeridoo. Man. Yeah, that's an interesting one.

Oh, no, don't go down there. Wow. So, does it ever happen when you're with a guy? Like, I mean, you get that nervous. It has happened once. I was pretending to,

I was playing an Australian accent while I was at work when it was really slow. And I met a guy at the register and he actually ended up coming back

and giving me his number as an Australian person. And he was really nice and cute, so I was like, maybe he'll think it's charming, and I'll tell him, I'll reveal it to him when I see him. And then he found you out, you took classes at Groundlings, and he's like, gross! You hear that song, you know somebody mentioned Groundlings here on Kill Tony.

I got my masters at UCB. No, I really learned how to be funny. Anyway, Chelsea, how long have you been on stand-up? I did it for about a month and a half, five months ago. And this is my this is me coming back this is your return this is like fucking you know like

some type of triumphant return why the layoff a lot of personal crap happened cool like what let's talk about it well I went through a breakup like a normal kind of fucked up breakup.

And I just. What did you say? I said, oh, no. Oh, no. It happened. Where did he pretend to be from? A lot of places. A lot of places.

All the time. Did you go through his phone? Is that how you caught him? Oh, yeah. It is, right? It was a real messed up breakup, yeah. That's what happens. When he broke up with you, did you say,

G'day, mate? I'm so nervous right now, I don't even know what to fucking do. So, yeah, you went through his phone. That really did happen, huh? And you didn't like what you saw, right? Yeah. That's basically the new way to break up. Oh, no, no, yeah. I mean, you really just his phone. That really did happen, huh? And you didn't like what you saw, right? Yeah. That's basically the new way to break up.

Oh, no, no, yeah. I mean, you really just have to decide, ladies, do you want to not like your boyfriend anymore? And if you want to not like him anymore, then go through his phone. Yeah. Really, just do it. Get in the cloud.

Because that's all that it really takes. Yeah. Because, yeah, you're not going to like what's there. None of them exist. There are no good guys out there. And you might be thinking, not the one I'm with right now. You're wrong. Right now, he's about to use the restroom in the next 20 minutes,

and he's going to go delete everything off that bitch because of what I said. Because he's going to think that you're going to do it now. You see? No, it's true. It is. I just like calling out things, making it super fucking awkward for everybody but nobody's you know I'm just saying that that is the new way that it happens

women go through a phone they're like I don't know if I should and they feel sort of bad about it and they don't know whether they should admit it right away but you probably most crazy people do right away just like I saw I saw you motherfucker right who's that cunt mom? What happened was we broke up and then we moved in together. That's smart. And then everything.

You broke up and then you moved in together. Wow, this reminds me of Nate Robinson saying that he made out with a chick after the blowjob. Did you watch The Godfather 3 first? Yes. Oh, my God. You're making this piggy laugh over here. Oh, shit. Did he have a big dick? It was normal.

That's no. Ooh, normal. Fuck, no. Ooh, normal. Fuck yeah. It still hurts, doesn't it? It still hurts, the breakup. You know how into normal-sized dicks I am? Is this a Compton scale or like a Burbank scale? What's normal to you?

Yeah. Like a soup can? Like a soup can? Like a soup can size? You answer yours instead of leaving him opportunity to interject more half jargon. Four inches is normal to you? That ain't four inches.

It's like seven. Don't do the microphone. Go back to your fingers and tell us what you think it is. She picks up the mic stand. You know, just normal. Commit to something with your fingers. Put the microphone inside you and see what the water line is. All right, Brian, you can't do that.

You can't do that. What are you people clapping at that for? Oh, is that payback because I said she's going to look through your phone, you assholes? All right. I would love to see her looking through her phone, narrating in her Australian accent like Steve Irwin she's like I've got a text right here's a text from Krista what the blimey

is that shit you know Tony don't break eye contact with me I own the stage now this is actually the music that played at Steve Irwin's funeral. Then he'd really Steve Irwin him. You put a stingray tail through

my heart. Alright. So Chelsea. Alright. So what else? I mean is it over now? Completely over that breakup? That's interesting. What did you find on the phone?

She didn't tell us what she found on the phone. Yeah. Yeah. Dick pics? Oh, my God. I don't even. There was no dick pics. That's good.

Yeah, cool. It was. Yeah. Well, he's not dating the same women I am. So. What did you find? What did you find? They want to know.

The masses want to know. We have some audio of you after you saw the text messages. All right. Go ahead. Okay. Well, when we were living together, he started messaging an old friend of mine that I knew personally. Wait a second.

I'll play your ex in this. Here we go. We started living together after we broke up. Then it wasn't fun anymore. You lost me there. You said that you did take groundlings? No. Oh, okay, perfect.

It seems like you did, though, for a second, how poorly you went through that. Let's, okay, I won't confuse you by playing your boyfriend. Okay. But you said that you lived with him after you broke up. Yeah. So then why wouldn't he be able to hit up somebody if you guys are broken up, but you're just living together. That's true.

You still liked him a lot. Well, yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah, this is why people can't live together after breaking up. Yeah, I know. Do you know? Because you're the one that did it.

Why did you lose trust? Why did I lose trust? Yeah. What made you go through the phone? What is happening with your voice right now, Red Bandit? He finally has a good question and he decides to cover it up with a half voice that nobody knows

Sounds like fucking Buffalo Bill Is she a great big fat person? Alright, guys It sounds like the talk boy from Home Alone Wait a minute Buffalo Bill. Port de Locher. It's your great big fat person. All right, guys. It sounds like the talk boy from Home Alone. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Oh, wait.

Credit card. Okie dokie, everybody. We are still a live show. We were almost there for a second. If you were listening closely enough, we were about to be the first ever podcast to get canceled. Okay, guys, really. I mean, I love how this has become a new running joke. Like, let's upset

the host! It's gonna be the funniest thing ever! Let's totally see how off track we can take it. Can you imagine a football team made out of Buffalo Bills? Alright, here we go. I play defensive and I play wide receiver. I play

target. I'd love to see the logo. You're gonna go for receiver. I play target. Good target. I'd love to see the logo. You're going to go for two. I complain about it, and Jeremiah doubles down. Very good. Can you imagine a whole football team of that? Defense! Defense!

Fucking assholes. I surround myself with assholes. Welcome back to town, Tony. What? An asshole would probably be the logo. Alright. Where the fuck were we? Alright, so what made you lose trust with him that got you to go through

his phone and really be a bitch? Yeah. You were already broken up. Were you nice enough to let him live with you? Were you splitting rent 50-50? The problem was we were living together and it drove everyone. Was he paying the rent? No.

We were both paying rent. Both on the lease? We were both on the lease. 50-50. Yikes. Yeah. And you guys did that after breaking up? Yeah.

Who paid the rent? We were like, you know, the thing where we were like, we are friends and it's okay. And then I had no place to live. How old are you, Chelsea? I'm 24. We were like, we are friends and it's okay. I had no place to live. How old are you, Chelsea? I'm 24. You got two more years. Yeah, you really are. A lot of chemicals flowing through you, Chelsea.

Were you still having sex when you were little? I'm sorry, what? Were you still having sex when you were little? For a while, yeah. But then for only a couple months after we moved in together. Well, we got him right here. Let's bring up the Samuel L. Jackson guy. All right.

Okay, Chelsea, we're going to let you go. We're going to keep moving forward. Have a good night. Thank you. Breathe, yoga, meditate, something. Find a habit. You're crazy as fuck. And a great costume.

That's a wild one there. Switches to an Australian accent. I mean, that's totally... She made all of us go crazy momentarily. Yeah. There you go. That's not that confusing. Because you can just say or do anything in life.

Fuck yeah. For those of you on... All right. How is it confusing that someone would speak in a fake accent? Moving on. Guys, we have a part of the show where two regulars go up and do

a brand new minute every single week. It's sort of crazy. It's different than the bucket and we're going to fly through these two and do one more from the bucket and that'll be tonight's show. How about that? Can you find out about that thing that you just whispered to me about? No, I'm okay.

Do you have to go? No, not unless people are discussing it. No. Anyone from out of town? For some reason, my partner in crime over here just whispered. What were you saying? Turn the mic up?

What was that? Were you saying turn the mic up? Yeah, turn the mic up a little bit. Oh, okay. I thought you were saying you had to leave. So we have two regulars, Tony. The opposite of I have to leave is turn the mic up, Brian. I Oh, okay. I thought you were saying you had to leave. So we have two regulars, Tony. The opposite of I have to leave is turn the mic up, Brian.

I just saw him go like this, like thumb, like... Like turn the mic up like you're actually in charge of the audio part of the show? Oh, sorry. Next time I'll point at my watch and you can turn the volume up.

Love it. Yo, Jim Norton just saved the show again. So we're getting back into it. Yo, Jim Norton just saved the show again. So we're getting back into it. Jim, I don't think I told you about this. Sam, every week these two, well, there's one and then there's another one. They're not at the same time. But they write and perform a brand new minute every single week.

We had two before that did it for two years. These two have been on for, well, it's mix and match now. But they do it every single week, so it's a little bit tougher. They haven't just been sitting on 60 seconds. They write it every single week and put out another 60. That's great for a comic. Yeah, it's crazy. And they're the first two of the first four to ever do it.

And here is one right now, ladies and gentlemen, Vanessa Johnston, everybody. Here we go. Thank you. Here we go. Here we go. So... I'm not um so I have a boyfriend give it up for me

yeah he's black most people have stopped clapping racist they're like you know um since my boyfriend started dating we become more alike for example my father stopped talking to me i'm uh i'm really possessive of my boyfriend the other day this girl just walked up to him and started hitting on him i was like wow who does this bitch think she is me like

then i found out that this girl had been molested as a kid I was like I can't compete with that like girls who got molested are probably amazing at sex they're like those people who started piano lessons when they were three meow there you go wow very impressive Vanessa Johnston There you go. Wow. Very impressive.

Vanessa Johnston. Vanessa, that was awesome. Thank you. Best costume ever. Give it up for that. You guys are from New York, so you might not get it, but she is dressed like the worst comedy club in Los Angeles. That's basically it. There's a place called Flappers. That's sort of their slogan, and if you might not get it, but she is dressed like the worst comedy club in Los Angeles. That's basically it.

There's a place called Flappers. That's sort of their slogan, and if you didn't get it, she put the logo all around. And they hand those tickets out on the street. It's just a terrible club. Hey, Tony, I headline there. You do? Oh, yeah. You guys do shows there still.

Reagan Watkins are resident members there. You are? Yeah. Well, all right. Luckily. Hey, I think Dave and Barb are just trying to run a good club in the valley. So let's just jump right into it. Vanessa, one of my favorite things about having regulars on the show is every once in a while you get to hear them do a joke

that you know is going to live forever in their set. And that to me is that hilarious, like that I think is even funnier than the laugh that you did get from it. But I have a black boyfriend, whatever about the stop talking to, like my dad stopped talking to me, too. Like, that's brilliant fucking I'm dating a black guy joke. That hits all... Yeah, go ahead, Jim. I love the of course the molested and the

piano lessons. Yeah. I didn't know where that was going, but that was really funny and quite true. Yeah. I mean, it really is. And that was in there, too. I mean, a really great set. That's fun. God damn it.

You've been doing so good. Like, the last two or three months. I feel like ever since we got Allie Makovsky in, I feel like she's probably unconsciously pushed you because she's been slaughtering regularly, you know, because she had all that backed up material. But you definitely did take a turn recently. You took some weird turn.

I stopped my job like three months ago. Oh, great. That'll do it. I'm sleeping more. Because I was working like 16, 18 hour days with my startup. So now I'm just focusing on my startup. What a big difference though. So like you comics that are like part-timing it

like in the open mics and stuff, that's a good example. Just quit your job, you losers. Just quit. Just starve. But you saved up a bunch of money before doing that because you actually had like a real professional, like really good job. Right. What was the job? I don't know anything about it.

Oh, I did TV development. I was at HBO for a couple years and then I moved to another production company so yeah why would you leave hbo stars they got nothing going on i was i was in the middle of selling a show there and then all the management all like fell apart um like the head left every so anyway so it didn't move through because they stopped they didn't want to do slavery anymore so Hey, Tony. You know how I said earlier it was the ugliest I've ever felt? Now being next to Vanessa is the ugliest I've ever felt.

Well, Vanessa, that's another new minute. Anything else for Vanessa, guys? You did it. Brand new 60 seconds. Great stuff. Vanessa Johnson, everybody. There she goes. She's on Twitter and Instagram. Great stuff. Vanessa Johnson, everybody. There she goes. She's on Twitter and Instagram, Vanessa John Stew. Oh, oh. The other regular recently just turned 21 and was able to resume her duties as one of the resident regulars here on Kill Tony.

Absolutely on a slaughter fest on what people are calling hashtag the streak put your hands together for the great Ali Makovsky ladies and gentlemen hi okay I had a sex dream about my dad I didn't

ask for it I didn't ask for it I didn't want it it just happened and I felt bad because my dad doesn't know why I won't hug him anymore I don't know what to tell him you know like no it's not you it's me

it's us really it's too volatile or like no you're a good dad. You're just a better daddy. I'm just saying, like, have you seen the knuckles on your dad? Those are some thick digits. I don't want to fuck my dad.

I just want to fuck a dad. This has nothing to do with my dad, but most guys think that girls are into choking during sex, which I think is pretty much true. But only during sex. We can't just be grocery shopping and you just choke me. Okay. Finish if you want If you want

Was that the end of that? Was that the end? It was just like That's not gonna make me cum You can choke my clit maybe Oh there you go Close with a little bang I just came

There you go I can't Street continues Allie Makovsky doing it again Allie was a regular with a little bang. I just came. There you go. I can't. The streak continues. Allie Makovsky doing it again. Allie was a regular for like a month or two, and then all of a sudden, about a year and a half ago or so, you weren't allowed to be here anymore under 21.

So she took a year and a half off and came back a couple months ago. Oh, wow. She works continuously and started a couple years ago, right? What are you, two years? Two years. Yeah.

That's a hard intro, too, when you say that you've been on a streak as a performer, I would have fucking bombed horribly. I got super nervous because it's like, you know, you guys, so it's fucking... You know. You have blood coming out of your ears and you're dressed

like... Okay, I'm Def Leppard. Perfect. She only has one arm. So many comics are just falling in love. People are just killing it. What was that, Pat? I didn't say anything. I think you're falling in love, Pat.

Yeah, a little weird over there. It sounded like a little bit of pent upup. You took it easy on Vanessa, and then it seemed like you just fired off a little sass at little Allie Makovsky. That wasn't sass. I don't know. You jealous, Vanessa? It's already began.

The shift. I think I see Jeremiah. The shift. So that's fun. Allie, that's another killer 60 seconds. Anything else happen the past two weeks? Did you miss doing the show? I did miss it.

I'm going to have to miss it next week. I'm going to be in New York. Whoa. Newest cast member Saturday Night Live, everybody. No. I'm just kidding. That's not true. I went to a brothel in Tijuana.

Oh, yeah. You fucked a chick, right? I'm just kidding. That's not true. The past two, I went to a brothel in Tijuana. Oh, yeah. And you fucked a chick, right? She fucked me, for sure. Was it Club Avenidas? What? Was it Club Avenidas? No, I went there, too, but then I went to Hong Kong after.

I bet you did. That I bet thing. I mean, you're like 0 for 6 on it tonight, really picking your moments. I'll get one in there. I bet you did as Earl's robe wasn't built in a day. Yeah, exactly. Rob from Sublime? Whoa, what the? I just bombed through the drummer.

Why did you go to a brothel in Taiwan? Taiwan. What was it? In Tijuana, Mexico. I went with my two friends to do a show in San Diego, and it was two guys, and they were like, hey, we're going to go to a brothel. Do you want to come?

And I want to fit in, so I went. Who was it, D'Elia and Brian Callen? Jesus. Looks like I'm not booking those two ever again. Bill D'Elia. We made a pact that if they

got a room with a girl, then I would get a room with a girl. And you did? And I did. Wow! This is amazing. What happened? Well, so, you know, we sat at this big booth and the server guy like brings us all a girl and we have to pay for their drinks and i don't drink so i'm spending nine dollars on water and i'm spending like twelve dollars to buy her drinks and i'm speaking like

broken spanish to her right and i just keep saying um hablo espanol como un bebe. And she's laughing. I'm killing over there. Because you're doing it in that valley accent still. Como esta? You know, I indulged a little bit. And so then the two guys... I bet you did.

Now I'm bombing through Jeremiah. So then the two guys go to the room with the girl. They come back in 30 minutes and they're like, Allie, did you go? And I was bombing through Jeremiah. So then the two guys go to the room with the girl. They come back in 30 minutes, and they're like, Allie, did you go? And I was like, no, I didn't know how to do it. So then we pick out a girl, and her name's Alex. She's 21.

I'm 21. Her birthday is almost the same birthday as mine. Synergy. Yeah, it was great. Next thing you know, you're scissoring. Yeah, so then we go to the Shut up What the fuck

Jesus Christ Pat So then we go to the room And she's like I've never been She was like I've never been in a room with a girl Keep going Keep going don keep going. Don't pay attention to them.

Okay, it seems like everyone else is. It's okay. Stay in the pocket. So then I go in the room with a girl, and she's like, I've never been in a room with a girl. And I was like, I've never been to Tijuana. Like, I don't know what to do. And so then I was like, just do what you would do if I were a guy. So she just starts dancing on my lap.

And I'm like, I want to dance. This isn't fun for me. Then you start dancing. And so then she has me put my hands on her legs, and things are happening. And it feels like forever. Then eventually she turns around. Yeah, so does the story. Let's get to the pussy eating.

Her top is off. She's having me touch her tits. She's touching my tits. No, they were whatever. I wasn't into it. I wanted to be into eating. Where is it? Her top is off. She's having me touch her tits. Big nips. Big tits. She's touching my tits. No, they were whatever. I wasn't into it. I wanted to be into it. I really tried. I can't come.

And I was like, maybe this is my shot. It didn't happen. She pulls my pants down. She starts spitting on my pussy and fingering me. That was it. Wow. Next time on Beautiful. Okay.

Very good. You can turn that down now. Next time I would start with the end and then work your way backwards. Is that like a reverse happy ending? Almost like that. It's just the part that everybody wants to hear. So she just started spitting on it and going to tell it. So she's like, you know, she's rubbing around down there DJing and whatnot.

And then I look down and she's spitting on my pussy. She was probably cursing it. It did feel spiteful for sure. Very interesting. Yeah, so I'm going to go back soon. I bet she's waiting for you. I hope so. One of the girls who fucked my friend got my phone number, but she hasn't messaged me.

Oh. Well, when she finds the right calling card that stretches long enough, you're going to get the call. Big Earl. Did you tip the Mexican guy a dollar to clean up? No. That's what you have to do. There was no mess. Alright. Very good. Allie Makovsky with another new

minute and a crazy fucking story. Tijuana. That's probably going to be a bit. It's going to be a bit eventually. Alright. What do you say? One more time in the bucket and we close the show, huh? going to be a bit. It's going to be a bit eventually. All right. What do you say? One more time in the bucket and we close the show, huh?

Let's fucking do this shit. This special Halloween Kill Tony. Here we go. Last name of the night. Wow. Here we go. I don't know if I'm going to... I'm definitely not going to say this right. Maybe I will. Chris Fuss? I'm definitely not gonna say this right. Maybe I will.

Chris Fuss. Yeah. Hey guys, my name's Chris, but you guys can call me by my tough street name, Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard. No, my friends were driving me here today and I heard this song on the radio. It's like a new

rap song and the lyrics went, help, somebody save me. I'm drowning in all this pussy. I can't swim. And that song's weird to me because if I was drowning in pussy I don't think I'd want anyone to save me you know

just leave me alone and let me die happy rappers are always drowning in pussy I guess it's because most of them don't know how to swim I mean like you know show me a picture of Eminem in a swimming pool and I'll believe I'll admit I'm wrong fuck yeah Chris Fuss

amazing work bunch of punchlines in 60 seconds that was awesome how long have you been doing stand up about a year closer to two years very good where from

I'm from New York so I flew in for the show you flew in for what show for this show gambling on the fact that you would get pulled out of a bucket well I did a bunch of other shows around LA, but I really wanted to get onto this show. That is fucking awesome. You're the last one. That's awesome. Wow.

That's crazy. It almost makes me wonder how many tens and tens of comedians traveled here from all around the world to try to get on the show. What is this episode all about? It's crazy. This is like an all-star newbie and traveler episode. I had a question.

Why did you pick Eminem as the rapper? Were you PCing it up there? Because the joke is usually black people can't swim, and you had a funny joke, and then you picked a white rapper. That's exactly why. Yeah, you don't need to do that. Just pick Lil Wayne or somebody. It's funnier.

Go all in. Kanye. It's a great joke. Thank you. No. Yeah, totally. It's funnier. Go all in. Kanye. It's a great joke. Thank you. No. Yeah, totally. Chingy. Yeah.

The Fat Boys. It's like saying, don't you hate how cheap Jews are? That damn Snoop. Fat Boys. The Fat Boys can't swim, and it's not because they're black. They're just fucking fat. Earl will squeeze in an 80s reference any chance he gets. How about the fat boys?

People are talking about that a lot. They certainly were. Yes, they were. Two of them are alive. One had a heart attack. Who saw that? Yeah. Bombing again through the drummer.

I bet Jodeci doesn't know how to swim either. What about Jamiroquai? All right. Well, Chris, I mean, that's fucking awesome. You came from New York. How long are you in town for? I fly out tomorrow morning. Oh, interesting.

Wow. You really squoze it in here at the end. Anything fun happen to you this week while you're in town? I went to Festival Supreme. Oh, nice. How was it? It was great. Eric Andre took off all of his clothes on stage in front of like 4,000 people. Oh, he does that a lot.

You know who writes for his show? Pat Reagan right behind you. What's Eric Andre's show? Jim Norton killed it on the Eric Andre show. Thank you. That was good. That was awesome. Alright, Chris. What do you think about was good. That was awesome. Alright. Chris. What do you think about his dick? What was your thoughts?

If you had three things to talk about, like notes of his dick, what would they be? Jesus. Wow. Three things? Why don't you just make it longer, Brian? He has two on his tongue. If you had 35 things you'd like to say about Eric Andre's dick, what would they be? I mean, same color as the rest of him?

Well, I mean, I guess the first thing would be... Seems like it'd be a little bit purple or red or something like that. It's a big fucking dog. I mean, a lot of blood going through it. Big dick. Damn. Does he really? God damn it.

How was the helmet? Was he cut? No, he tucks it really well, so the first thing would be that I wish I could see his dick once. You wish more? But he tucked it and he was just showing his pubes and he was screaming, I was born a woman over and over. Wow. Temple core.

What about his balls? Yeah, I bet if you would have looked at him from behind, you would have been able to see his whole adult swim. You know what I mean? It's an Eric Andre joke. Custom written Eric Andre joke. Anyway. Well, that's cool. I love that you saw a guy perform

an entire thing and the main thing that really stood out to you was him coming out naked. All right. It was a good show. You write really funny material. You have the diction of a child killer. Absolutely. Just talk very quietly. You write really funny material. You have the diction of a child killer. Yeah, absolutely. Just talk very quietly.

Jokes are funny. Was that your giggle? Was that you? Wow, that confirms it. I love that. Jim called you a child killer, and you went. That's the sound he makes when those little feet are chicken for the last time in a pool. Oh, my God.

Chris, your name's Chris, but it's spelled K-R-Y-S. Did you do that or did your parents do that? My parents did. I'm from Poland. Oh. I have a few Z's in my first name and they're all silent. Just like your audience.

I'm friends with a young lady named Joanna Janjacek. You know who that is? Yeah, the MMA fighter. Yeah. Strawweight champion of the world. That's right. Yeah. Sometimes we DM each other back and forth.

A lot of people thought that was a joke. That's JimActing at Gmail.com. Anyway, I probably shouldn't be talking about it. Now she won't DM me back after this. But anyway, Chris, what else is in Poland? How long have you been in America? Just over 15 years. Just over 15 years.

Over? He just got a little bit Polish on that. Did you hear it? Just over 15 years. It's starting to come out a little bit. Your parents do anything weird and Polish and creepy, like amputate people's limbs that don't need it and shit?

No, but on Easter they go out and get food blessed by a priest. Which is a little weird. I bet you do. What kind of food does he bless? Little cocktail franks? Yeah, pretty much. Just like, just like sausage and eggs.

How big are the sausages? Yeah. Earl's desperate to find out anything dick-related tonight. How big are the breakfast sausages there in Poland? About eight inches. How big are they? Answer, please! Answer my question, Berlin!

Is there like six inches? That's about right. Chris, anything else that you could say before you go that just pertains to you? Any special skills? Jump out of airplanes while yo-yoing at the same time? Anything like that? Big areolas. You seem like you would have big areolas.

This is the rare chance I will agree with Brian on that. You seem like you have monster dark areolas. Do you have really big nipples? Sort of like bigger than you wish that they were? I think so, yeah. You think so? Do you mind showing them? I mean, this is your one time on Keltoni. No, I'm too. Come on. Can you just show us? Let's see your areolas.

You don't have to show them. Can you just show us? You guys judge it. Oh, they're puffy! They're puffy! They got puffy areoles! They're darkest coffee! These two ladies are running out of here right now. Oh my god. I love that you said you think so.

Wow. Can you show them just... Jim, we're back on all things considered. Hold on, wait. Pat had to shove something right down the gullet. Jim, what were you going to say there? I was just commenting that those are 1985 Tracy Lord's nipples. There you go.

Yeah, you got those big bologna pancakes. Yeah. It's like prosciutto. Prosciutto. Yeah. They look like the front of Joel Jimenez's bass drum. That's the big round one at the bottom, you fucking idiots. If I sucked those titt bottom, you fucking idiots.

If I sucked those titties, you bet I would. Man. That's a rough one to sell, Earl. Those are some big nips. Tell me about it. Jesus. How big's your dick? There you go. Will you show that to just us?

Come on, Earl. We don't want this. I don't know what's scarier, by the way. How big those nipples were The fact that Red Band totally nailed that you had huge nipples Through the t-shirt I could tell by his lips His pouty ass lips

All these guys with the big areolas have the pouty ass lips Jesus Man Indiana Jones over here I think you just ruined Harrison Ford's career. I know. And your own at the same time, talking about nipples that big. All right, Chris, that's it.

That's your time. You did it. You closed out the show. Congratulations. All the way from New York, leaving tomorrow. Get out of here, Chris. Guys, we did it. Sam and Jim, you guys have your own show.

Promote it real quick. Jim Norton and Sam Roberts. It's on SiriusXM every morning. Do you want to listen to it? You guys have the new fucking super show. At 8 a.m. Eastern. Big Earl Skakel is Earl Skakel. This is tonight's drawing.

Look at this shit. Drawing during tonight's episode by Ryan J. E. Belt, ryanjebelt.com to buy tonight's print. Sweet. I mean, that's fucking amazing. And that's also where the official Kill Tony poster is available, ryanjebelt.com, one of the great artists.

Jamie Vernon on the HD. Check out the rest of Jim's tour shooting. His special, Reagan Watkins. Hey, come. I'm doing a show this Wednesday, 10 p.m. at the Improv Lab. I'm doing like an hour, and I'm having bands open and stuff. Pat Reagan and friends at the Improv. Come to that.

And give it up one more time for the fantastic Jim Norton, one of my favorite comedians. It's an honor to have you on the show. Yeah, Jim Norton, everybody. Gracing us with his amazing and hilarious presence. I really do double thank you for that. Joel Jimenez is on Twitter at MostlySorry. Jeremiah Watkins is on Twitter at Jeremiah Watkins. Jeremiah

Standup. And if there's any Roast Battle fans, we're going on tour. We'll be in Atlanta, Denver, New York, and then LA the following week. So next couple weeks look at my Twitter, social media and hit me up, y'all. Oh, shit.

Hey, this Wednesday we have a Death Squad secret show. We have a bunch of people on and some awesome secret guests. And then Friday at the Ice House. And also catch this show, Kill Tony, in Houston, Texas. At the Come and Take It Festival in November. I'm going to be in New York City in two weeks with Joe Rogan at Gotham. That'll be fun. And UFC 205 that hopefully you guys are at too.

And I'm in Spokane, Washington this weekend. How could I forget about that? Thursday, Friday, and Saturday I'm in Spokane. Real reality check. Right back to a humbling fucking city. There you go. Other fun dates coming up at TonyHinchcliffe.com. Live audience, thank you, and happy Halloween.

We're all going to be hanging out. If you guys want to grab a drink on the front patio and high five, that's where we'll be in just a few minutes. Thank you so much. Have a good night. We're going to take a picture real quick right now. Heel, heel, heel. Thank you. you