KILL TONY - KILL TONY #181

Episode Date: November 22, 2016

George Perez, Jade Catta-Preta, Pat Regan, Jeremiah Watkins, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Ali Macofsky, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 11/07/2016 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This is Kill Tony. Don't forget to go to Tony's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have all of Tony's tour dates and his merchandise and everything, the Golden Pony. And subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Search the iTunes store for Kill Tony. Hit subscribe, and don't forget to rate and review the show. Or if you like everything we do here at Death Squad, we do a lot of different podcasts here.

You can subscribe to the Death Squad podcast network on iTunes. There you will have Kill Tony and everything else, including verbal violence, bedtime stories, what Brian Redband do, and the whole Death Squad collection. And if you like Death Squad, help us, support support us because we pay for all the stuff like when stuff breaks or we need to replace cameras or mic cables we get it from shopsquad.tv the official merchandise of the Death Squad

universe, anything you buy there goes right to Death Squad so go to shopsquad.tv a bunch of new winter clothes are coming out very, very soon. So keep your eye on shop squad. And don't forget Ryan J.

E belt. He's the house artist. He always has the prints available to buy or the desk or the kill Tony poster. Every episode he draws and then he sells a print of it. So go to Ryan J. E belt and help him out. All right, guys,

here's a brand new episode of kill Tony. Hey, this is red band. Come to you live from the road, famous comedy store for a brand new episode of kill Tony. Volume four, get up for a Tony Hinchcliffe. Hi everybody. Make some noise.cliffe. Hi, everybody.

Make some noise Monday night. Here we are. It's a live show. We are live. Hello to the thousands and thousands on Ustream. Jamie E. Vernon on the HD camera in the back, everybody. Ryan J. E. Belt, house artist, drawing on a blank piece of paper right now. He's going to draw tonight's episode.

He drew the official Kill Tony poster. And Brian Redband's here. Hey, guys. What's up? Make some noise for Brian Redband. Brian and I are doing Kill Tony. For those of you listening to the stream and the podcast right now, live, we're going to be in Houston, Texas.

I can't wait to go back to Houston. Next Saturday, November 19th. November 19th. At the Come and Take It Festival. So come check us out there. We're there that weekend. Look at the Come and Take It Festival if you live near Houston.

And we haven't announced this yet, I don't think, but can we announce San Francisco? We can almost announce. Yeah, maybe we can. What's that called? Sketch Fest. Sketch Fest, yeah. It's a really big festival in San Francisco. We're going to be doing that. We're going to be doing Kill Tony,

this exact show, there. And at the Come and Take It Festival next Saturday in San Francisco. Kill Tony's traveling. That's the show that you're at. So how about one more time? Let's make some fucking noise. You guys ready for a crazy... Wait, why is that like that? Stuart, Stuart, why is that like that up there?

I just noticed this now. We have more customers. Holy shit. This is a first. Wait. Yeah, so we had to clear out all the comics so we can put more customers up there. Wow. Okay, cool.

Yeah, just keep seating them and then let the comedians file in, I guess. I'm not used to ever seeing that that empty at all, and it really just fucked me up. It's that main room. We're growing too big for the old belly room now. I sort of feel bad for the comedians. I feel like they're just, where could they possibly be if they're not there? They're all in the green room. I feel like people are just stacked on top of toilets right now back there.

I mean, what, okay. Alright, forget it. This place is like half packed because of this, Stuart. What did we do? How many more is there? There's a lot. Josh, how many more people are there?

Is there like a line? I don't know. There's a lack of communication. Josh, that's half the room. What do you mean a lack of communication? I'm really bad at my job. If there is room, I want to make room for your audience first.

Our security guys are so serious here. They have great pride. Your audience. I love how they seat the customer right in front of the one seat that they shouldn't be sitting in right in front of the camera. Instead of having them over there. I trust that guy, though.

I like that guy's style. He reminds me of both Mario and Luigi. Give me some of that Benny Hill. Yeah. Welcome back to the Wacky Morning Show. All right. Stuart's still seating people. For those of you listening to a podcast,

we have one of the veteran, very funny door guys seating the show very awkwardly, like it's never been done before in 185 episodes. So I took a moment to acknowledge that. One of my favorite things about this show, other than Josh Martin, our super awkward producer, there he goes, is that we have a live band. I love

this live band with all my heart and soul. A part of it, Jeremiah Watkins, is in New York City right now doing a roast battle and a bunch of other cool things. But we are left with the roots of the band, the backbone. Put your hands together for them. It's Pat Reagan

and Joel Jimenez. Wow! Another very impressive entrance. For those of you listening to the podcast, it's probably what you thought it was going to be. They were indeed the Blue Man Group. So great. Came out playing instruments, dressed in the all black. Pat's wearing some, he half went for it on the full head cover there.

I like that. That's so great. Joel, did you make that? We're doing a little touch-up as they go. Little drum solo from Pat Reagan. Normally he doesn't play the drums and I think we just found out why. Joel Jimenez

on the percussion, but Pat's sticking with it. He's got the guitar behind him. Welcome to the show, Pat. Hi, Joel. What are you guys up to? You look great. I'd imagine this is sort of what Steve Jobs looks like right now. This is what you guys look like.

This is exactly what you guys look like. Just rotten, rotten, but wearing the classic turtleneck. Oh, I think they're doing the blue man doesn't talk. So are you guys talking? Are you going full character? Is that what's going on here? Uh-oh, Stuart just used his power to open the gates. Just for those of you listening to the podcast,

the room just doubled in energy and size because Stuart has decided that there's no more audience members. Wow. I can't wait to see what happens more audience members. Wow. I can't wait to see what happens if audience members show up right now. Stuart starts just rear naked choking out comedians, dragging their corpses to the middle

of sunset. Stuart, what's your Twitter handle? At Stuart B. Thompson. At Stuart B. Thompson, everybody. Just a little shout out for one of the top rising funny men. Stuart's awesome. Stuart's the shit. I'm busting his balls a little bit, making it awkward.

So let's just jump into the show. You guys ready to meet tonight's comedy guests? Who loves comedy? I love comedy. Comedy, comedy. C-O-M-E-D. Why? Because it's fun

your guest tonight is always two of the funniest human beings on the planet, two of my favorite people two people that I've been coming up with for a fucking decade put your hands together for two of the greats it's George Perez and Jade Catapretta George Perez fresh off of a breakout episode

of the Joe Rogan experience George Perez and the Stone Cold Killer yes happy to be here love your alien tampon band love it you fucking tampon band you just got roasted we did it to yourselves.

We got a little buzz. I wonder where that one's coming from. George, what's happening? Not much. Just hanging out, chilling. George, you are going to be on the Road to Roast Battle. It's taping next week. You're going to be on Comedy Central. Roasting, which is how I met

George. Breaking News was in a crazy fucking roast show. It was the time I met. We made it down all the way through a March Madness tournament of making fun of one another. Except the show that we did had no rules. They had nothing set up. It was just some pilot. They took all the Yo Mama guys.

Which, by the way, you're a Yo Mama champion. You guys remember the show Yo Mama? You fucking insult the people jordan's like one of the grand champions i'm also baby mama champion too baby mama i don't get it that was that was too cool for me george you lost me on that i'm not gonna lie that was for my plant parenthood sponsor oh shit it's dropping sponsors uh you guys have both done the show before. We've been doing comedy together forever, all of us.

Two of my favorite humans. You guys just want to jump right into it, get the show going? Let's do it. I'm a fucking full of comedians, ladies and gentlemen. It's about to fucking go down. Because over 50 random human beings signed up for tonight's show. Some of them rising talent, some of them trying comedy for the first time. Some of them are completely insane.

Anything can happen on this show because anyone's allowed to sign up on the patio between 6 and 7.30. We see it happen every week. Comedians or new people, you know how it works. If I pull your name out of the bucket and you signed up, you get 60 seconds. You know your 60 seconds is up

when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Alright. There it was. There it was. Oh, the mouse is back. The mouse from a few episodes ago.

He lives in my kitchen now. Yeah, I've been watching your disgusting posts. I think I have a mouse in my house is the tweet. Next day, I set up a camera to see if there's a mouse. And I have Sarah Tiana's tour dates behind it in the drawer. Five hours later, there's a mouse, it turns out. Here's a picture of it. I'm going to find a mouse trap now like anybody would have done two days ago when I knew I had a mouse.

I'm going to set up a bigger camera this time. Let's get a steadicam on this mouse. Follow him through the... It'll be like Goodfellas, but you're following a mouse. You guys... I pulled a name out of the bucket. You guys ready to start this month? I mean, we're still like...

I don't know what... I don't know. Pat, did you play some of your slow stuff tonight or something? They feel a little bit soft tonight. A little sleepy. This doesn't seem really rock and roll. Are you guys okay? Is there anything you guys need?

Boner pills? Boner pills is the answer, and it seems Brian has you covered. I got some. I pulled a name out of this bucket. I'm excited about this because I know for a fact I've never said this name before. Oh, yeah. Let me see it. Let me peek. It's new blood. Here we go. I'm going to say it. It's Yemma

Nkele. Yeah, let's do it. Nkele. Yemma. Y-E-M-M-A N-K-E-L-E. Here we go. Oh, I thought it was a girl. Put your hands together for Yemma, ladies and gentlemen. It's a real live show. I.E. Here we go. Oh, I thought it was a girl. Put your hands together for Yema, ladies and gentlemen. It's a real live show.

I promise you. My name is Yema and Kelly. If you can't get that, I can't help you. That's as short as I can get it. If my dad was here, he'd be like, that's not your name. That's not what I named you. Your name is Onyema. She is Sumonyen.

You are not Kelly the second. And I have to walk into class and he'd be like, oh, that's such an interesting name. What's your name? Oh, where'd you come from? Oh, I'm from Anaheim. The accent just came with the name. I went out there, like I flew out there for the first time. I was so happy I hopped off the plane.

I said my whole name. I'd say it again, but I only have a minute. So I said that shit. And then after, they said, oh, that's a good name, a fine name, a strong name. Si, you are one of us. This is Christian, this is Solomon, and this is Neil. I was like, Neil? Do black people have Neil yet?

When did we get that? I didn't even know. God damn it, boy. Man, I'm 6'6". And the worst part about being 6'6", is the fact that people feel comfortable walking up to you and saying, oh, if I was your high,

I'd be playing basketball right now. I'd be in the NBA, I'd be dunking from the half court. I'd be like, first off, you can't dribble with your left hand. And I can't go up to people and do the opposite. I can't go up to the shortest person in the room and be like, boy, if I was your high. I had a feeling

that was going to happen. I just shit myself a tiny bit. Wait, this is where we get to hang out and meet you. Oh, man. I say good stuff.

When you say the Neal name, like, I didn't know we had Neal. You can add a couple more tags to that, like a couple other black names that you're like, I didn't know,

you know what I mean, that we had. That's a good one. Savannah. Oh, my God. Brian, you are out of control. Brian Redband has his own soundboard that he does stuff on. Independent. Brian's soundboard does not express the thoughts of Kill Tony

and its subsidiary blah blah blah. Wait, so where are you from? Are you from Anaheim originally? That's where I was born. Yeah. I'm from LA. LA, cool.

San Pedro to be exact. Orange County, Anaheim? Orange County. Are you from Orange County, Anaheim? Yeah. I'm not a border patrol. You look scary. I liked you, bro.

I mean, you're cool. Your sweats, they're like Malcolm Extra Tight. You do seem very comfortable. Yeah, those are comfortable. I'd fly in that. I'd fly in that. I would never perform in that, but I'd fly. That's pretty much sort of what I wear.

If I was in the front, I would have just been staring at your dick. So I say maybe regular pants. Brian was staring at your dick. That's what maybe regular pants. So it's not so. Brian was staring at your dick. That's what that sounds like. Yeah. Yeah. Let's get into it. You're a bad motherfucker.

How long have you been on stand up? A year. A year. Nice. What do you do for work? I work with kids with autism. Holy shit. You're a god damn.

Oh, wow. You're an angel. That's what's up. You're an angel. Yes. Yes. Wow. Wow. Thugs for autism. I love it. That're an angel. Yes.

Thugs for autism. That got a quick sharp laugh. Let's see what happens next. I liked your set. I thought we got to know you a little bit, how your dad is. What does your dad do? He was an engineer.

Okay, I was like oh did he pass away I don't know got creepy there so how long you been taking care of autistic kids it'll be a year

next month everything that you do just one year what were you doing before all this I lived in Nigeria for I was working

I was working as a teacher in Nigeria for two years oh my god I was working as a teacher in Nigeria for two years. Oh, my God. Sometimes Brian's soundboard is a part of Kill Tony. If you notice that it's extremely hilarious. Day by day. Yes, it's part of the show. Anyway.

Dude, like Nigeria. That's what I want to know about so yeah you're in Nigeria like what are the ladies they're like when they're they're amazing like when they like smell the green card on you. When you drop that American accent on them, I'm like, oh my God. That's funny. That's funny. Wow. So what do you have to wear?

Four condoms? Nigeria? I definitely had a suitcase devoted just condoms. I bet. I bet. And looking at how big you are, I'm guessing there was just one condom in that suitcase. I'm proud of was just one condom in that suitcase. I'm proud

of myself for that one. So, well, that's cool. So you ended up hooking up with a lady there in Nigeria? Yeah, a few. Was she a student of yours? Did you notice anything? What? He could be teaching older

people English, guys. How old were they? They were fourth grade. Okay, yeah. No. And they were also autistic. Well, he didn't say he was doing that in... Were you teaching autistic kids?

So let me ask you this. They put down autistic kids in Nigeria. That's not true. Like kill them? Like kill them? Put them down? What do you mean? They put them to sleep in Nigeria. That's not true. Kill them? Put them down? They put them to sleep. When you were making love to a Nigerian woman,

did you notice anything different that they did, maybe, that Americans don't do? The Nigerian accent moaning is very off-putting. That's great. let's hear it It never gets old It never

You really got me for a second Because his mouth moved And it looked like he actually did it himself I want to go to Nigeria Holy shit his mouth moved and it looked like he actually did it himself. I want to go to Nigeria. Holy shit. Wait, let us hear it. Let us hear it. Brian, let him do it. Let him do it. I want to hear it. No, look at me while you do it.

Whoa. Oh, Jesus. Brian, come on. That's just out of control. See, that's one of the things that's just Brian's own thing. I've never attempted this before. I want to hear. Is it like, ooh, ooh?

Because different nationalities do have different moans. Yeah. What's the one? Like in Brazil, it's like, aye, aye, aye. That's everybody. Yeah, yeah. Aye, aye, aye. Like that.

It's like, ooh, fuck me. Oh, shit. It's very off- fuck me. Oh, shit. It's very off-putting. No, Brian. Not an elephant. The fuck? Good lord. You're out of control tonight.

What is going on over here? Is that like an elephant call right there? Did you give your soundboard boner pills before the show? There's something funny there about the way they moan and because you're talking about language and your dad's accent and stuff, I feel like that can kind of... That first noise that you made, that

oof, that thing, I mean, that's pretty powerful. Yeah. Oof. Oof. Oof. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. like but it's like it's like who lives in your world unbelievable unbelievable

Brian you can sit out the rest of the episode you can take the night off go party on the patio just leave all the volume levels up you have the night off I'll upload this myself I'll edit it and upload it me and Josh will get together

it's not going to get any better than this I'll upload this myself. I'll edit it and upload it. Me and Josh will get together. It's not going to get any better than this. You've got to go out on top. It's really good. He just has Lion King pulled up waiting for it. All right. Yeah, Matt, tell us something else cool that you think is independent to you that we wouldn't guess. You know what I mean?

Something that's cool. Yeah, like a softer side. You ever like yo-yo while skydiving or anything like that? Anything crazy that you've seen or done? Are your nipples lighter than your skin? I don't know. Anything weird?

Sometimes. I don't think that's a thing at all. That's a thing. Is that a thing for black people? Is it? You tell me. Um, fuck. Jade, you ever been with a black man before? Yeah, I've been with a couple Ooh, a couple I don't know why I was looking at him like that

Nigerian black? No, not Nigerian black, no Lighter black, like Virginia black So they've been through stuff Virginia black? Yeah, they've been through stuff So they were white They were just wearing a backwards

UVA black guy, yeah. Totally hooked up with a couple black guys once. Totally. Trevor and Smithton. Smithton? I just totally made up a white name there. Yeah, he's like an evil frat guy. Virginia Black, that's like a blunt rap name.

Virginia Black. It is. I'll take those Virginia Blacks That really is a blunt rap name George Perez Anything Yama? What's the craziest thing that you've ever seen in your fucking life? Craziest thing

Ever in my life Um Fuck Or a special talent that you have? Craziest thing I've ever seen in my life was... Oh, you don't have any talents? No talents. For sure.

No, Street Fighter is my biggest talent. Really? Whoa. Yeah. Wow, I'm guessing... Chun-Li? For some reason, I feel like you're not even talking about the video game. I feel like you just beat people up.

I didn't even think about that. Street Fighter's my favorite video game, bitch. These fucking kids stress me out today, dog. Who's your character on Street Fighter? Chun-Li? Nah, never that. Whoa, Jesus. Oh, we are talking about video games.

He just named Chun-Li like you said Chum-Li from Pawn Stars. I thought he meant real life. That's why he had sweatpants on because he had to kick like Fly Kick. You know, a lot of movement. Is it Dawson?. A lot of movement. Is it Dawson? You're out of control. Either Ken or Gal.

Ken or Gal? Yeah. That Sonic boom. I definitely know what you guys are talking about. Is there a black guy on Street Fighter? Yeah. There's a few of them. There's a Jamaican.

And we assume Sagat is black because he's so tall. Because in Mortal Kombat, it's just what? Jax, right? Jax. And he's terrible. Yeah, he's really bad. Wait, this is out of context. On your set, when you make fun of the guy dribbling with the left hand,

you can take that out. Because then it makes it sound like you're talking down to some other dude. Does anybody else see what I'm talking about? Jesus, Jade. You know what I'm talking about? Man, I see what you're trying to do. You're trying to build a little storyline where it's the left. Later on when you're like, yeah, do you like that fucking advice I gave you?

Don't fucking blow my shit up. And he's like, yeah, you're like. No, but I think it would be a smoother joke. Okay, forget it. Forget it. I'm giving real advice. I'm giving real advice. I'm giving real advice. I'm giving real advice. I'm giving real advice. I'm giving real advice. I'm giving real advice. But Jade's going super serious on me over here. I'm serious. No, I I think it would be a smoother joke. Okay, forget it. Forget it. I'm giving real advice. I just had three jokes set up, but Jade's going super serious on me over here.

I'm serious. No, I'm fucking serious. I'm fucking serious. You have to need to say the dribble part. Take out the left hand thing. Don't ever say that again. I'm serious. She's right.

Anyway, how do you say that last name again? Inkele. Inkele. Inkele. Yummy yum. That sounds like a Mexican going, where name again? Inkele. Inkele. Inkele. Yummy, yum. That sounds like a Mexican going, where you live? Inkele. Inkele.

I love how Mexican you made that. Inkele. Inkele. How were you not half the cast in Narcos, by the way? I mean, it's incredible, George. It blows my mind. He actually is. I was in jail when they did it.

You were? I was like writing for him. No, this is what happened. The reality show. It's actually true. So it was nice to meet you. There he goes. Good job.

He's on Twitter at Comedy Yemayem. Y-E-M-A. Y-E-M. You just met him. Let's go right back to the bucketayem. Y-E-M-A. Y-E-M. You just met him. Let's go right back to the bucket. Shall we? You guys having fun? Hello. We have more fun on Mondays than anybody else. Jamie Vernon

knows what I'm talking about. Him and I were shaking hands with Kanye West a few weeks ago. You guys know what that's like, right? Put your hands together for your next comedian, Jim Anderson. Yes! That's like, right? Put your hands together for your next comedian, Jim Anderson. Yes. Woo!

I found out my dad doesn't care for me. Doesn't give a shit. Actually, he does give a shit. I'll tell you the story. We went on a family vacation to Dallas. We all stayed in the same room. And I got out of the shower, and I found out my dad wipes his ass with towels.

How'd I find this out? Well, this takes a long time to dry. There's only one dry towel left. I'm going for it, and I go, no. No. It's my dead shit. So I get out of the bathroom, and I go up to him,

and I say, how about you stop wiping your ass with towels? He goes, how about you get to your own room? So I said, touche. I'll get a little shit on my face for saving 100 bucks. But I should have been... I should have known, because back in the day, he made me a drug dealer. What happened was the kid next door dropped a dime bag

underneath his car, and he picked it up and he said, hey, your friends smoke weed, right? Here, sell this and we'll split it. So five bucks later, I'm a felon. Yay! Wow! Unbelievable. Man, that's awesome.

Sometimes we go many episodes without ever seeing the bear. And we are two for two on people going slightly over the time limit. That's fun. We are double bears tonight. Look out. This is a special episode.

Jim, what is up? Not much. I don't even remember what you were talking about before the bear, but let's get right into that awesome towel shitting thing, which I love. How long have you been doing stand-up? About a year and a half, two years. Yeah. Do you go up a lot?

Where do you live? You live like 45 minutes outside of the city, correct? I'm in Burbank. Yeah, I was right. Perfect. Nailed it. Say no flappers. Flappers a lot.

Super point. Yeah. I probably, yeah, I do flappers about once a week. About once a week. Yeah. Right. Exactly. And, you know, it's sort of like, you know, I could sort of tell that, but the way that

you have a natural, like, very interesting backwards delivery. Oh, okay. Even though you're talking about some shitty towel. So let's talk about this more. Did you talk more to your dad about, did you say, for example, like, dad, do you shit out of your butt and then wipe your butt with the actual towel towel like all the way? Or was it maybe a situation where he just had, you know, a dirty butt and he forgot to clean it in the shower and he was drying off? Like, did you ask specifics? Well, I know that he does this, but I figured he wouldn't do it on vacation.

You mean he does it at home? So your mom has to wash his shitty towels? Yeah, he's got his own shit towels. Is he like really? Wow, that's got his own shit towels. Is he like really? That's funny. That's great. Wow. Yeah, they sell them at Beth Ben Beyond,

just the shit towels specifically. Right. Wow. God. I feel like it would be funnier if you didn't set it up in the beginning, like, my dad cares about me. Wait, my dad doesn't care about me.

Just tell the story, because the ridiculousness of it is enough. You should get him butt wipes. They make that. You could just get a little baby towel so you throw away. He gets stuck in his ways and that's it. He likes how thick the towels are. I think you guys are enabling this to happen.

Really. Just take the towels away from him. I think you guys should put up more of a stink. Wait, why'd you guys... Why does he get that reaction? What is that note? Here's what you do. You can buy on Amazon for like seven bucks.

You can buy ghost peppers. It's like the hottest pepper ever. And you can just put it all over the towel. So when he wipes his ass, make a hidden camera. It's hilarious. You'll make a million dollars from the YouTube video. Yeah. There you go. How about that for an idea?

It's worth five bucks. You might die from that. Jim, let me ask you something. Feel his heartbeat in his butthole for a couple hours and it'll be fine. How old are you, Jim? He does this often. Tomorrow I'll be 36 years old. Oh, nice. Happy birthday.

Damn. He does this often. Tomorrow I'll be 36 years old. Oh, nice. Happy birthday. 36 years old. Snoop loves that. Do you still live with your parents? I don't. I don't. Okay. What do you do for work? I edit television.

You edit television. Yeah. With a dad that wipes his ass on towels. Have you ever tried this yourself? Has there ever been a Teen Wolf mode where you yourself have gone on... Don't because he's prone to it. It's genetic. Have you gone on a bender of...

No, I go to Costco and I get those flushable wipes. To clear it up, it's just the cleanup. It's not the full wipe. It's not like, you know... It's not the first one. It's like the fourth. It's the last one. He doesn't use the towel for the main cleanup.

No, he uses the toilet paper. Human. So he just... And then he does it like a prince with a towel. You say human like not finishing the toilet paper is human. Well, I don't finish with toilet paper either. I go for the wipe. I mean, that's

the civilized thing. Are you talking about you go toilet paper either. I go for the wipe. I mean, that's the civilized thing. Oh, wait. Are you talking about you go toilet paper first and then wipe or your dad? I go toilet paper first, then wipe. His dad goes toilet paper towel. He goes toilet paper towel. So for a moment, he's half cleaning his ass all the way, but just halfway. He's like, I'm going to save the other half of this complete ass cleaning for that towel

that other people... I mean, let me ask you this. How did you know that his towels were his towels and your towels were other towels? Was it a color-coordinated thing? I guess it's monogrammed. He had the brown ones? Oh, wait. Pat has something... Wait a second.

Pat has something so funny to say that he forgot he was committing to the Blue Man Group. I want to hear what this is. I wasn't committing to the Blue Man Group. It's too late. Can we get his mic without... What is it? You ever take a no-wipe shit? Yeah, those

are the best. Or you just take a clean missile turd and stand up, put your pants on, and walk away. That's happened. I've definitely done that one. Oh, hey, we have a special phone call coming in, ladies and gentlemen.

Special, uh... We have a special call in, and one of the first times in Kill Tony history. Put your hands together for him. It is one of our favorite humans, the great Jeremiah Watkins, ladies and gentlemen. That's Donald Trump. Donald Trump is calling.

Wait a second. It's not. I'm sorry. Nobody told me this was happening. I saw a name. I was wrong. It's actually Donald Trump, everybody. Donald Trump calling in live on Kill Tony.

Donald, we're excited. One day before the election. How are you, Mr. Trump? Tony, it's so great to be your new president of the United States of America. Thank you so much for having me. Wow. So you're already accepting the presidency of the United States of America a day before. Yes, graciously, Tony.

You know, I wanted to call into the number one live podcast in the world, and I figured, you know, before you make your decisions tomorrow, this audience needs to know, make you make your decisions tomorrow, this audience needs to know, make the right decision. Vote for Donald J. Trump, 2016, tomorrow, November 8th. There you go. You heard it straight from the horse's mouth. Anything else, Mr. Trump?

How's everything going out there? It's going pretty great, Tony. Pretty great. It's good to be in the running for president pretty great, Tony. Pretty great. It's good to be in the running for president this year, Tony. Big fan of your show. Listen every week. You do? What's some of your favorite parts

of the Kill Tony? I like that Todd Reagan character. That guy's ballsy. He shoots from the hip. He sometimes doesn't know what he's going to say and he just says it. I respect a man like that. from the hip. He sometimes doesn't know what he's going to say and he just says it. I respect a man like that.

Well, Mr. Trump, we wish you the best of luck and we miss you and we can't wait to see you again soon. I'll probably most likely be your president tomorrow, so thank you so much. We'll be seeing each other tomorrow. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. According to him, the new

president of the United States, Donald the Apprentice Trump. Jim, who are you voting for tomorrow? Are you voting? Yeah, I'll be voting. Which one of the shitty towels are you voting for? I've been voting green since I could vote, so I'm just going to keep a...

USA! Wow, Susan Sarandon audience, huh? Keep a clean voting record, right? Right, unlike your dad's house. His dad's been voting brown. Yeah. Waka, waka, waka. Wow.

Did I ask you what you do for a living? Hey, edits TV. Anything cool, anything we'd recognize? The Deadliest Catch. Wow Did I ask you what you do for a living? Yeah Edits TV Edits TV Right Anything cool? Anything we'd recognize? The Deadliest Catch Wow Nice

He looked like you were on there Hours of fishing I can tell you've been watching hundreds of hours of their video You have the head of an Alaskan crab fisherman He looks like he works at a Whole Foods in East L.A. Jim, anything else? What's your dating life like?

I've been dating someone for about two, three years now. Does this girl know about she met your dad? She's met him, but not his towels, no. Where does he keep the towel? Right next to the toilet. Wow. There's no basket? Get him a little container for Christmas.

Like a little shit basket. You guys are all enabling. You're all enabling. I kind of get it. I kind of understand. Give him a special container. I understand what his dad's... If I'm in a hotel, I do that shit.

I'm like, fuck this. This ain't my towel. I put a bunch of soap on it and wash my asshole proper. This is why we need Japanese toilets. Japanese toilets are the way of life. That's why we need... Get him a bidet then. Yeah, you got to get him a Japanese toilet.

Just jump in the shower. Tony, I got a question. Yeah, Pat has a question. Does your dad do anything else funny or weird? Good question. It seems like that would really be the tip of the iceberg. Yeah, no, I think it's... Tip of the shitty iceberg.

He likes to spit out the window a lot and before he does it, he's got this throat thing. Like he's throat singing. He's like... I hate him so much. What's the throat thing? It's a pullback and then a

scratch. That's a dad thing. And an out. Alright. What does he blow his nose with? I don't know. I don't ask. T-shirts?

$100 bills. Underwear? All right, Jim. Well, you know, get more spots in. Talk more about whatever crazy other shit's going on and have fun with it. Yeah, don't worry about setting it up. I think just go into it.

It's funny. Yeah, good job. You met him here, Jimmy Houston. There he goes. He's on Twitter at the Jimmy Chicago. The Jimmy Chicago. What would you do if you met a girl that had shitty towels like that? Lick it up.

Oh, there you go. There he is. That's not incorporated into the podcast. Brian Redman. Oh, boy. Oh, Redband. During that, I was like,

what if his dad had wiped his ass with his hair while he was asleep and then he just dried his hair with the towel and then smelled the towel and you're like,

this towel smells like shit. But it was really his hair to begin with. Yeah. And his dad would be like, this towel smells like shampoo. Why does my shit towel smell like shampoo? Do you ever wonder that he

cleans his ass so thoroughly because his mom loves to eat his dad's ass? That's actually a really good point. I like to clean! That's for a reason. Yeah. Yeah.

Alright, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see what happens here. Put your hands together for Tuesday Thomas. Good name. Tuesday Thomas. He knows his week. What the fuck? Pick it up.

Pick it up. Hey, everybody. Hi. pick it up pick it up hey everybody hi oh my life's a fucking mess it is i can't take your shit on too when i was 20 i look like a wonder woman now people just look at me and wonder if i'm a woman it's okay you can laugh i know what look like. I've had lots of plastic surgery. You know, I know what it's all about. The worst part about having plastic surgery, though, is people who come up to you and they think they have something in common with you. Like, I was in the store the other day

and this woman came up to me and was like, I see you've had a lot of work done. I've had work done, too. I've had my eyebrows lifted. I've had my cheeks impl done. I've had work done too. I've had my eyebrows lifted. I've had my cheeks implanted. I've had my chin done. I've had my lips implanted. I've had my breasts done five times.

I've had liposuction. I've had my ass lifted. Next week I'm going to have my asshole bleached. I was like, she said, what's wrong? You've never heard of an asshole bleaching? I said yeah I have but I just can't imagine you as a blonde.

Holy shit. Exactly a minute. Tuesday Thomas. Nailing it. Thank you Tony. Nailing the landing. Pat you look blue. Are you okay? Tuesday. Tuesday. Save it. Pat, you look blue. Are you okay? Tuesday. Oh, Tuesday.

You all right? Tuesday. Save it. Save it. What are you doing over there? What are you doing over there, Tuesday? I love Pat. He's cool.

Are you trying to hijack this show? What's going on? You wild thing. Tuesday, what's your story? You've been on this show once before, right? Remind me of what we covered last time. I run a show called Freak Show in a venue that has

a mummified dead clown in it. Okay, what else? Other than you promoting a show. That no one's ever going to go to, by the way. Oh, they go. No, I'm kidding. What else did I do? I act.

I was on Botched. Oh, you were? Yeah. Is that what you act on? No. No, but I was on there. What did you have fixed on Botched? Oh, they didn't fix because I spent like years and thousands and thousands of dollars trying

to get this fixed. This is how it goes. And then. Uh-huh. Tell me, sister. They couldn't fix anything. So I'm stuck this way forever. But I'm okay with it. I've come to terms with it. So no for Botox for me.

That was my next question. Don't do it. Don't start it. Don't do Botox. Don't do Botox, right? Where are you from? New York. Other than underneath my bed. He's not kidding. I cut up when he's sleeping.

I just drew a right on it. So Tuesday, tell me more about you. You seem like such an interesting character. Thank you. I grew up in New York. Like New York City or outside of New York? Yeah, New York City,

whatever that was, that taco sauce. New York City! Stop trying to be funny, Tuesday. Stick with it. Let's get some real answers out of you. Yeah, I grew up in New York City. I've lived all over the country. What do you do for work?

I mostly do acting and comedy and that pays my bills. It just pays my bills. But, you know, I'm happy and I'm following my passion. Thank you. It's great that you're going face to face with your dreams. I do work

in your nightmares. I work two days a week in a bakery in the ghetto. You do? You work in a bakery in the ghetto? See, that's what I love to hear. I do over on Crenshaw and Jefferson. Wow. What kind of bakery?

Cobbler. Cobblers. Apple, peach. Where did you get your name from Tuesday? My parents like Tuesday Wild the actress Are you close with your parents? I don't think so

My stepfather passed away I'm close with my mother My real dad died but I have like three half sisters three step sisters I think Tuesday is dying right now She just had a little mini stroke do you have to get patted down before going into the bakery

no no coming out no no I don't actually it's not really bad over there the area I live in was the area the riots were but it's funny it's now the number one area in the country for gentrification it's like hyper gentrifying

a year and a half ago the house next to me Funny, it's now the number one area in the country for gentrification. It's like hyper-gentrifying. A year and a half ago, the house next to me, the building next to me. All right, Tuesday. You're like a bad neighbor. They had a SWAT team. You're like an annoying neighbor right now. This conversation is going on way too long. They had a SWAT team come in and get rid of everybody. And then now it's a yoga studio.

All right. Fuck yeah. and then now it's a yoga studio alright fuck yeah does your face ever go to the yoga studio? no never stretches out a little bit? no you sons of bitches you're just going to leave me all alone really? you fucking assholes

I knew I half liked this crowd only 50% you guys just want to see fucking war tonight, don't you? Want to see old confident Tony get slapped. Pieces of shit. Your plastic surgery, when you first had it, did you go somewhere like a Mexico or like a weird? I was getting a divorce.

I had a bad marriage and a bad divorce. And so I wanted to go to Mexico. You went to a bakery in the ghetto and you showed them a picture of an apple fritter. How long were you married? A bear claw. How long? The way you just said bear claw.

Bear claw. Bear claw. You have a little bass in your voice, Tuesday. All right. And? What the fuck were we just talking about before the bear claw? The surgery in Mexico.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The surgery in Mexico. How long were you married for? I was married for four years. Four years. And so you go down to Mexico and you're like, you know what? What was your botched about? What did you talk about there? I talked about the

fact that what they did was I just wanted basically a facelift with some fillers and they ended up, unbeknownst to me, pumping silicone into my face. So I had to spend years and they also cut some nerves. Oh my god. Fuck. Yeah, so this side doesn't quite lift up and stuff.

Was this when you were on that show with Gene Siskel? Oh my God. Pat, come on. Pat, we can still see you beyond the face paint. You thought the words Gene Siskel was going to ignite a firestorm. I should have said Roger Ebert. You said it so strong. Well I should have said Roger Ebert. You said it so strong. Roger Ebert.

That's what you get for thinking, Pat. Oh, man. You just got housed by a Tuesday. On a Monday. Got your girl in the club. Man, Tuesday. What are you into sexually a lot

you're working a bread company down on Crenshaw are you getting some pumpernickel what's going on down there no I it's a bread joke you racist it's actually like there's a lot of Mexican Americans there so I get a lot of

oh mommy which I don't understand the mommy thing a lot of Mexican Americans there, so I get a lot of, oh, mommy. Oh, mommy. Which, I don't understand the mommy thing. I don't understand that. You don't? No, I don't know why they call it mommy. I told one guy, I said, I'm not your mommy. I'm not five foot two with a mustache. Whoa.

Whoa. George, why do Latino guys call it mommy? I don't know Oh, alright, there you go That's our senior Latino correspondent, George Perez I don't know Yeah, I don't say that shit

Our senior Maybe we'll go back on more Latino references Back to you on nothing explanation I don't I'm from Orange County We don't say mommy, I'm from Orange County. We don't say mommy. We be like, what up?

You just say the beginning part of it. And that works for you? Yeah, I mean, I think they like it because we like pan, and that's bread in English. You don't like that, though. You don't like it when people say mommy. Yeah. To be honest with you. You have mommy issues. No, I would rather have somebody come up.

Hi, how are you? My name is so-and-so. Yo, Swoleo! Swoleo. I thought mommy issues was funny. It was like I said, Gene Siskel or something. Tuesday. Wow, so what else?

I feel like there's more to this story. Have anybody locked up in a box where you live or something like that? No, not recently. No, I'm actually very normal. What else is interesting about you? I'm Italian. My mother's from Sicily.

What is this, your eHarmony profile? How long have you lived in LA? Three years. Really? Because of the Sicily thing? Four and a half minutes later. She just said her mom is her. She just said she's Italian. I know. I'm kidding.

Tuesday. If you close your eyes and listen to her she sounds like Ty Rivera like just talk a little bit look just say anything anything

anything yeah a little bit of a Ty there is something in there alright Tuesday he's a good guy you have any special talents or anything like that just being funny

and acting and I don't you got good nipples. I can see them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's the other thing. I think we talked about this last time. I had triple D breast implants that were silicone, and they burst, and I had to have them removed.

Oh, my God. How did they burst? Did they go in the- They just went bad, and they started leaking, and it almost killed me. Oh, my God. It was horrible. Oh, my God. It was horrible. Oh my God.

Oh. What's up, man? And I mean, these are natural now, so when they take them out, I got a little bit of a lift. That's great. Oh my God. He's on tonight. Wow. So, man. oh my god he's on tonight wow so man do you remember anything that happened

that made it was just over time they burst did you get those in Mexico too no no it was just over time you know they I guess they broke down or something but they were both leaking I was you ate some Pop Rocks?

When I was dating, or I was talking to this guy online, and we were going to meet up and finally make a face-to-face meet, and then it got really bad. So I said, look, dude, it's going to be a while. This is what's happening. They burst. I'm going to have to have them removed. And maybe when I start feeling better, if you're still into it, we can meet.

And he's like like no problem whatsoever just let me go let me out of the car but I said you know what he said to me whatever you say lady please I have kids but he said to me can you do me a favor

I said well it depends on what he's like can you show me a picture of what they look like now before you have them taken out? Wow. And I was like, yeah, sure. I've had a miscarriage. You want to see a picture of that too? Whoa.

Whoa. Tuesday, making it feel like a Wednesday. All right, Tuesday. Well, it was nice to meet you. Congrats. Did you have fun here tonight? Oh, I always have fun here. Always having fun.

There she goes, Tuesday Thomas. She's on Twitter at Mama Warned Me. Mama Warned Me. That's her Twitter handle. She should have warned me. But not about plastic surgery. Not once. You should change it.

You should change it to Mommy Warned Me. Yeah, that's true. Or Mommy Horny. Jade, you ever think about getting any plastic surgery of any kind? I think about Botox every day. You think about it every day. Yeah, I'm too scared. I'm too scared.

What if something fucked up happens and it's too scary? Your face is fine. There's other areas. I was hinting more at a boob job. Yeah, for sure. I think we're all thinking boob job here, Jade. Guys, I can't get a boob job. I can't do it.

What if something fucked up happens? I already have a scar down my center. They've got that shit figured out by now. What could possibly go wrong? I mean, like, no matter what, you'll just have the same... Tiny breasts? I'm happy with my tiny breasts. I like how little they bounce.

I'm like, thank you. Oh, hey, listen to that. To my tiny breast patrol. It's a couple chicks with tiny tits and a bunch of couple dudes that'll fuck anything. I love it. Look at that.

They're here for me. I love that. That was adorable. I loved that. Such desperate, lonely guys clapping for small tits. I like them tiny better than I like them big. I do.

No, I know. I was just kidding. I was making a joke. Yeah. He keeps getting two CAs over there. Alright. Pull the name out of the bucket. Do it. How about Samir Suri? Hello, hello, my darlings.

I am so fucking pissed tonight. We're going to discuss this now. We are going to discuss this because another stupid-ass white friend wants to vacation in India. Why? Why? The national anthem is played on a rape whistle. Why? The most popular is played on a rape whistle. Why?

The most popular baby name is Stillborn. Why? I started smoking cigarettes in India. I took one puff and thought, this there is cleaner. Why? And I'm cranky because I had to stop whoring. Oh, and I whored, my dears. I have fucked more black men than the Middle Passage.

I have whored. But you worry when you whore. No, I do. Every time I have a cold that lasts longer than two weeks, I'm convinced it's AIDS. every time I have a cold that lasts longer than two weeks, I'm convinced it's AIDS. And it's not worth it in L.A. anymore.

L.A. fags the worst. If boxed wine were a person. Samir Suri, ladies and gentlemen, coming in and laying it down. I'm in love. Coming in and shredding. I'm in love with you. I'm in love. You're like a weird Jewish gay woman trapped in your hand the way you stand.

And you have the delivery of you're like that guy that gets to go on his own rant segment on the local news. Oh, I love it. Look at his laugh. Look at this. Why this? And another thing. Oh, I love it. Look at his laugh! Look at this! Why this? Oh, I love it. You're just gay enough, just diverse enough. It's really going to work. I think you're going to get booked in something. Absolutely going to be

a superstar. Yeah, you're a superstar. Oh, the way you puff your chest out like a mad, angry chicken. Just fucking... Samir, where are you from? From L.A. Born and raised. chest out like a mad angry chicken just fucking yeah. Samir where are you from? From LA. Born and raised. Yeah. Do you fuck a lot of black dudes? Is that for real?

Yeah. Mostly. Are you a top or a bottom? Bottom. Yeah bottom. Yeah hurts like hell. Yeah I know. I know. Wow. You know what? You know what's cool is I met you last night.

Did I meet you last night? Yeah, last week. Yeah, at the bar. Hey, hey, hey. Was he on his back? Hey, I'm dark. I'm dark. Him and George were both waiting to go visit friends in prison.

Now today he thinks he has AIDS again because he met Les. I met you at the bar and you were... Next thing you know, I was sitting by drink on your lower back. I could tell you pull out. No, he was cool. You got to go 360 degrees. He's a bottom. Let me help him.

There you go. No, I got it. Samir, how old are you? 22. Wow, so young. What do you do for work? I write showbiz news. Oh, God.

I love how he... That exact rant news thing this thing about that's pretty much it where's that for this he's just petting an imaginary dog at all times it's a gay thing just oh that's for the the Daily Mail oh very cool that's amazing thanks you're like a Perez Holiday Inn I was

thinking like a Perez. Yeah. Fucking idiots. Brilliant. They're with you on the spot. How old are you? I've been written in the 22. 22.

You're a baby. Yeah. How long have you been on stand up? About two years. Yeah. You're unstoppable. What what are you like your big goals and shit? Like, what do you really want to do?

I want to keep doing this and interview I guess I would love to interview really oh start doing it now so how much does your dad hate you oh my god let's just get right into it I mean just

fucking furious unbelievable it's so refreshing not to hear an Indian accent so just refrain it's surprising that you're Indian and you're a bottom though because normally Indians are on top of moving trains

so it's an Indian thing there you go very good reference Brian you kind of sound like Roger from American Dad you You know the alien? Yeah. Oh my god he does. And he's based on Paul Lynn.

Yeah. You're like an Indian Phyllis Diller kind of. Yeah. It's kind of like a Jewish thing to him. I like it. Okay. So your dad. He's cool about it. Really? Yeah. That's amazing. okay so your dad he's like you know

he's cool about it really yeah that's amazing because he came here young he came here at 14 so he like assimilated and everything okay but going back there is like the birdcage right yeah right how often do you go back there about every three or four years wow I want to hear him

like read any like the bible just Joseph married Jeff. And then Mary had all this drama. This is your son. Yeah, really good. Oh, yeah, she's the pregnant version. Oh, really good. Samir, why do you think it is, if you had to guess,

why do you think you're so attracted to black men? Oh, they're just the ones who've been attracted to me. I'm in love. I'm gonna supply and demand. Yeah. Wow. Um, interesting. So you live on

your own? No, I'm at home still. Wow. What are your parents? Are they that cool that you're allowed to bring this fucking giant black man home? Just get railed are your parents? Are they that cool that you're allowed to bring this fucking giant black man home? Just get railed in your parents' place? No, never. I always go to his place. Maybe there's something funny about going to

Airbnbs all the time to fuck your lovers. You go to Air R&Bs. You go to air R&Bs He tried Thank you What the fuck you guys gave up on me I was sitting here high going I should say something

I was like fuck it Samir what else what else is in your life do you have a lot of body hair oh yeah well that comes with the territory yeah cause you look like you have two defined eyebrows yeah

do you wear a curry jersey for the black dudes? What? I don't even know where that is, but it sounded hilarious. Stephen Curry. Oh, because you're making a... Curry, all right. Fuck it, I'll get high again.

So you make a living writing already. Yeah. Wow. And you can survive off that, but not enough quite to get out of the parents' house yet. Not quite, yeah. So what's your plan? What do you think the next step is? The next step is make enough money for my own place.

Yeah, Tony, idiot. Okey-dokey. I mean, that's sort of what I was saying. I was asking you a different question. Oh, no, I mean, I'm saving for that. Oh, cool. I got a question for Samira. How do you find the celebrity news?

Oh, I've signed an NDA. Really? Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're trying to subscribe, huh? We get tips. Really?

Yeah. I feel like all those sites just look at the other sites and copy and paste all the news he's not allowed to tell you that he does that let him do it no further questions when it's from another site it's cited there's bibliographies

for these sites I just think it's a really really good TMZ said I think it's a really good job for you, though. You know what I mean? Like, that totally makes sense. I feel like you have Daily Mail inside of you. Yeah, it's true.

You're so castable. Let's do this with this. Yeah, he's so gay and castable. I hate you. You're unstoppable. Yeah, great job. gay and castable. I hate you. You're unstoppable. Yeah, great job. There he is, Samir. Yes.

He's on Twitter. It's Suri underscore Samir. He's diverse. He's gay. He owns it. He's cool. And his parents aren't going to murder him. There's nothing that can stop him.

That's simply just how it works. What do you think? We go to our regulars now? Yeah, let's do one. Yeah, do it now and then get the... And then go back to the bucket again later? Yes, let's do that. How do you guys feel about that, huh?

That sounds like fun. Yeah, who are the regulars? Going up first tonight, you know her from this show, Always Fun, the lovely, the hilarious, Vanessa Johnston, everybody. Here she is.

You're like really pretty. Okay. Wait, is it on? Okay. A lot of people are worried that if Trump wins the election that he's going to be the next Hitler and there's going to be another Holocaust.

I don't know. I mean, like Nazis were insane, right? Like they turned Jews into soap. That's crazy. Why would you make soap out of a group of people who you think are dirty? Trump isn't going to turn Mexicans into soap. They're better at cleaning alive. It's crazy how much people care about who you vote for. Like, to the point where friendships break up. Did anyone lose friends this election?

Like, one did. Everyone was like, no. Especially Facebook friends. The crazy thing is that people arguing about these things aren't even experts in government. They work at Bloomingdale's. And then they're just... There you go. Yes, they don't have any political expertise.

But that soap thing was great. That joke is so funny. How old are you? I just turned 25. You're so cute. Oh my god. Have you been doing the show a bunch? Yeah. A year. She's on the poster. Sorry, I don't fucking listen to this show. Grayson performs a new 60 Seconds

every week. That's awesome. This is, I think, my 50th minute. 50th minute. Happy 50 minutes. Wow. How many minutes have you lazy fucks written, huh? Wow. Oh, Andy Rooney

and Gene Siskel in the same episode. For those of you playing Kill Tony Bingo and have the most unbelievably ridiculously rare card ever, then cross off Gene Siskel and Andy Rooney. You know, in your joke, when you said

we're losing a lot of friends, I think you could have came back and said some Mexicans are going to be losing family. That's funny. That's funny. That's what I was like, fuck, she's losing friends. I might lose my grandma. It's funny if you maybe brought back the jew soap like and they're good with cleaning with jew soap you know what i mean i don't know

something about the jew body soap i think it's really funny i feel i was like nervous when you came up and i'm i'm like i'm impressed i thought the jokes were really solid yeah yeah i liked it yeah and she gave me a little flirt smile before she started. Did you guys see it? Or was it to you? And I thought it was to me. It wasn't me. She made me nervous.

I was like, is this thing on? That's who she is. Why don't you guys kiss? All right. Whoa. Brian's got an idea. Brian's always full of good ideas. What'd you say?

Let's have them kiss, guys. Don't you think they should kiss real quick? No, stop it. Don't do that. We're not going to kiss in front of you guys, you fucking idiots. I love that I jokingly play back into you and you get double serious.

You're like, oh, really, Tony? Let's go. Fucking buffoon. You're out of control. What was the second set up? The friends set up. It would have been so perfect. Come on, guys.

Kiss. Stop it. No. So retarded. Vanessa, another great new minute. Yeah, I thought it was really good. Pat and Vanessa have been stirring up a little bit of a rivalry. Oh, I thought you were going to say romance.

They take shots at each other. It seems almost every week on the show. Pat, anything about Vanessa's performance tonight that you want to say or not say? Tony's like the father that wants the siblings to fight. He's like, the stronger of them will survive. He instigates. He can only afford one child.

Why are you blue? Did she make you laugh, Pat? Did you give her props today? Props, it was very dark Yeah, I like that too It was very dark I like her new dark shit Where are you from?

I was I've been in here for seven I've been in LA for seven years I literally can't talk to you Wow Damn She looks like a girl I dated for six months So it's like

Wow I dated for six months. Whoa! I'm literally blushing. In the edit of the show, we'll make that a little bit tighter. We'll cut that whoa down by four seconds. Wow, this is amazing. Jade, let me ask you. I mean, I don't want to put you on the spot here,

but I mean, what do you think about Vanessa? I'm just here to judge her comedy, okay? And I thought it was fucking good. No, I thought you were great. I really did. Thank you. Yeah. Vanessa, you literally can't look at her.

Jade, how does this make you feel, having this kind of power over, you know? No, I thought she was great. I mean, I'm not a great writer, so I'm intimidated as well. Not about the 60 seconds. I'm talking about what's happening right now. I mean, we'll talk later, you know. Whoa, keep your eye on that.

George, any closing words for Vanessa? Keep it up. Jade, is there anything else you want to say to Vanessa Jade just like tonight when I'm in my bed alright thank you great job we have another regular I mean

just fucking oh that's right she's in New York City as well there you go so we don't have another regular. I mean, just fucking... Oh, that's right. She's in New York City as well. There you go. So we don't have another regular. Back to the bucket we go. Anything can happen. Anything in the world.

So let's see what happens. How about Danny Williams? Nothing. All right. Okay. He's coming. All right. Shit, I was asleep in the back.

Fuck. What are we doing? I met a white girl on Tinder like a few weeks ago. And she said she never dated a black dude. And she wanted the full black experience. So I just got on my friends and ran a train on her. It was like the blackest shit I could think of. There's nothing blacker than eight dudes all wearing socks and hats.

Banging some chick on some dirty mattress on the floor. Or like R. Kelly plays on somebody's cell phone speaker. That's the blackest shit I could think of. I think the only way to be black is if Luke Cage was playing on the TV and then the cops just showed up and shot everybody. Like that. That would be the black shit I could think of. There we go.

Fuck yeah, Danny. This is the first time I've ever said this in the history of the show, but first of all, let me start off by saying good morning. Good morning. Seems as though we woke you up from a nap that you were taking in the back. He looks like he always comes from naps, you know, no matter what. Jeez, what's that supposed to mean, Jade? Hello.

All right. Danny, what's up? How long have you been on stand-up? About four years, maybe. That's cool. He's sleepy. Look. Did I see you on the bedtime story show the other day?

Oh, the rape thing? Yeah, you were really, really funny. That was one of my favorite sets of the night. He's very funny. I agree. You a little bit sleepy right now? See, what happened is they made us go on the back and it's hot as fuck and I've been drinking.

Yeah, yeah. They made you go to the back? They made me go in the back. Oh, wow. It's a room full of smelly comics. And the smell just puts you to sleep. You're like, fuck this shit. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

This show put me to sleep. No, I'm just playing. Damn it. Oh, shit. No, this show's awesome. That's okay. Of course. I thought when you said the R. Kelly thing,

you had a moment to do like a phone call like who's calling them to make their R. Kelly like come here you know what I mean you forgot your own joke what do you do for work Danny I work at a wheelchair company that's funny

what's different about your wheelchair do you get a discount can we get a discount? No Can we get a wheelchair? If you show up at 5.30 we can sneak one out the back Damn I like one you never know Do you like repair them like American shoppers?

What do you guys He comes out all greasy and shit He's like I've been working on this one No I have to explain to insurance companies why people need wheelchairs. You can't walk, bitch. That's why he's sleepy. Oh, damn, the phone.

I get up at 5.30. Oh, no. For the wheelchair place? I work in fucking Cerritos. Cerritos? Cerritos. Oh, my God. I don't even know where Cerritos is. It's just far.

How do you get to work? I just hear, Cerrito, auto part. I just take the 5 until traffic stops. I'm at my work. Wow. That's funny, too. You smoke good fucking weed, dude. You're asleep all day, and you sell wheelchairs, and you don't even know.

I don't even smoke weed, dude. What? That's funny. I just smoke like I do. You have hair like that, and you take naps that often, and you don't smoke weed? The fuck is going on? That's funny. They don't check you for DUIs when you look like this.

Oh, they check your blood and your pee. Yeah, I'm drunk as fuck all the time. They don't even check. Oh, because they just think you're hot. Yeah. He can hide like tiny bottles in his dreads. You know, little tiny wine bottles. Oh, shit.

Danny just got serious. Yeah. Well, that's funny, Danny. That's exciting. What else is going on in life? You dating anybody? I'm dating fat chicks. Really?

Yes. Oh, shit. There it is. That's what you're into? Do you ever push him in the wheelchair? Like, you don't have to walk. Hilarious. Why Fatchicks?

Because Tinder in LA. What does Tinder have to do with it? What, do you have a high weight limit on Tinder? No, I'm like... Your settings are between 250 and 500? No, when you look like this, and you live in Los Feliz... Oh, yeah.

Shout out to Los Feliz. Yeah, that's a cool area. Yeah, they're kind of racist. They're not into this. This is too black. They don't want me or my friends. So you like white fat chicks, not black? You ever hook up with a lady named Tuesday Thomas before?

No, but I saw her earlier. I probably will. Oh! Fat, yeah, fat. I think we have a new thing I miss that song alright Danny we'll let you go we'll get somebody else up here great job man

there he goes Danny Williams back to bed for Danny boy I like him I think we're going to build him some bunk beds in the corner for next week. He could have the top bunk and the Indian boy

can have the bottom. Those boys were like prepubescent. This is interesting. Put your hands together. This doesn't sound like this is going to be real. How about French accent? Oh, shit! Fuck me!

I've been standing back there all night. How we doing? This shit's going down! I think a midget's large intestine should be called a semicolon. I was in a college bar recently standing by myself cause look at me and this young sexy solipsistic sorority sister sounded over and said why are you by yourself

I said well I did not want to get taken advantage of by any gold digger college broad she said gold digger college you're rich I said no but look how hard your nipples got and that is how I lost this eye You're rich? I said, no, but look how hard your nipples got. And that is how I lost this eye. I like my women like I like my chocolate.

Cheap and at the gas station. I think women are like shopping centers. You're more likely to be inside one if you got some cash. All right, I did a bunch of women jokes. Ladies, you want to hear a man joke? You want to hear a man joke? Men are like dogs. Men are like dogs. Men are like dogs. Fiercely loyal.

See what I did there? Fuck you, ladies. There you go. I'm Ben Cody, and I'm going home by myself. Wow. God bless you. Good night. French accent.

Holy shit. Yeah. We've. French accent. Holy shit. We've had some real killers here tonight. Oh, shit. This is clearly, I think I would remember this. This is definitely the debut of, you could tell he's surprisingly new. I mean, he has the comedy of a very experienced comedian and the business cards of a brand new one. Yeah.

French accent. He would, yeah. Is the medium French? Yes, French. Can I call you French? That's your name, French accent? Well, it's an acronym. Wait, your voice just changed immediately.

What just happened? It's French puberty. It's, um, you turn into an American, you quit running away. It's Francois Raphael, Edgar Norbert, Celestine Herbert, Absalom Korn. How long have you been doing stand-up? Five and a half years. Where are you from?

Wyoming, obviously. That's amazing. Is this a character you do all the time or do you do a bunch of different... Believe it or not, I've headlined in nine states with this shit. I believe it. Very funny. Let me ask you this.

Colorado's where I've been the last eight years. Wow. Yeah, that was it. How long have you been in L.A.? Two and a half weeks. What? Do you live here now? I live in an RV on the street.

Boom. There you go. French accent has arrived. Oh, la, la. Les incombétents. Merci beaucoup. I was in French. Si, senor. Yeah, I thought your French kind of went Irish and then Scottish a little bit towards it.

Well, I could be from Ireland if I wanted to, but from Scotland, I used to be Scotland. I'd say, oh, I'm from Scotland. I love blackberries. And as I prefer to call them, wee grapes. Oh. But there's some other fucker doing a Scottish thing headlining when I started. Yeah, theater's fun, huh? So you went and you decided to go with the French pirate accordion. But there's some other fucker doing a Scottish thing headlining when I started. Yeah, theater is fun, huh?

So you went and you decided to go with the French pirate accordion. Man, there's a whole story to this thing. It takes a minute, though. I don't want to mess you up. It was like a God thing, man. It happened out of nowhere. Where did you get that? Thank you.

Where did you get that accordion? Because my people play that too. We're not getting no credit here. I can't be funny anymore. All right. My mom gave it to me for Christmas. She said I should play it on the street. You drove an RV here from Colorado.

With two cats. With two cats in the RV. They're in the RV right now. Right now. Wow. I don't get a lot of pussy. I mean, With two cats. With two cats in the RV. Yes. They're in the RV right now. Right now. Wow. I don't get a lot of pussy. I mean, I get cats. Does your whole RV just smell like cat litter and piss and shit like that?

I mean, I got a lot of air fresheners and there's some weed. All right. The cats are there to hide the weed smell and the weed's there to hide the shit smell. I mean, I just tell people it's really primo stuff. They, you know. Yeah. It's very specific. Your pot smells like cat shit. Some very potent stuff.

Hey, random fun fact. Pirates used to wear the eye patch so they could see downstairs and upstairs real quick to fight. So they could switch it over and be one eye

is used for the dark and one eye is used for the light. Yeah, like right now. See, look at that. Thank God your eye is normal. I did not want to see that. I want to put some makeup here and just look horrible underneath. But I haven't figured it out.

That's a lot of commitment for one minute. Standing out there for an hour is a lot of commitment for one minute. Get used to it. You're in L.A. now. I'd say wait for the eye makeup until you're not living in an automobile with two cats. Have you done a long set before, and how long, and is it easy to keep up with that energy? 80 minutes, you can find it on YouTube.

70 minutes, the camera died before the end. Just look up Kevin Bennett comedian. Even the camera gave up on that set? I've seen it. Wait, you want to do an hour like this? I've done it. Yeah, yeah. That's great do like an hour like this you want to do like I've done it yeah yeah that's great

yeah and what's your dream to be in LA what are you doing here well you know it's nice to live in an RV I'd rather not yeah

I'd like to have a real house like a home and stuff yeah you know you seem hip enough that even in an RV you're still parking in Los Feliz

am I right actually Ventura Boulevard oh by the river well that's crazy I don't know that's where he washes yes of washing Los Feliz, am I right? Actually Ventura Boulevard. Oh, by the river. That's where he washes. Of washing. We have a Pat Reagan over there. I have a couple questions.

We've got to fly through. What were you doing before this? I worked at T-Mobile. I don't want to know the mystery behind French accent. No, here's my – I don't know. No, go ahead. Go ahead. I think your jokes are too good for you to be doing the character.

I think you're incredibly talented with the accordion. I don't know. That's all. Well, thank you. Hey, man, if you want to do some music with this thing. I have an accordion. I play accordion. We could do a duet. I would like to – I mean, I would like to – yeah. You, thank you. Hey, man, if you want to do some music with this thing. I have an accordion. I play accordion. We could do a duet.

I would like to. I mean, I would like to. Yeah. You should check out. Oh, yeah. SoundCloud. Regimented Cacophony Between Dystopias. There you go. He's French accent. There he goes. He's gone. French accent. There he goes. There's the drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. That happened while you were sitting there enjoying tonight's show.

He drew tonight's episode with Jade Catapretta, George Perez. What do you guys got coming up? Anything you want to promote? Anything like that? Yeah, Ice House, 18th and 19th of November with Bobby Lee. Come out.

It's going to be fun. And those who can't, on True TV, watch it. I'll be doing the roast battle in the Bailey Room on Wednesday, November 16th. Be here, spread the word. See you guys. On Comedy Central in January. Pat Reagan. Hey, watch. I'm in this Comedy Central web series called

Questionable Science with Rich Fulcher from Mighty Boosh. It's awesome. Joel Jimenez is on Twitter at MostlySorry. Josh Martin is Josh Martin Comic. Jamie Vernon. Brian Redband. We're going to be in Houston.

We're going to be in San Francisco. If you live anywhere near those two cities, come see Kill Tony live. You are lucky because it's coming to you. See you guys. Check out other tour dates at TonyInchClip.com. Bye, live audience. Thank you. You're my woman You're my woman You're my woman

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