KILL TONY - KILL TONY #184

Episode Date: December 13, 2016

Greg Fitzsimmons, Jeremiah Watkins, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Ali Macofsky, Vanessa Johnston, Pat Regan, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 11/21/2016 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly this is red band and you're listening to kill tony here at death squad check out our website death squad.tv there you have everything that we do here including all the video portions of all the different shows we do. Just click on videos. Or we have tour dates. Not only is Kill Tony every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store, every Tuesday we have Roast Battle, which is verbal violence here at Death Squad. Every first and third Friday we have the Ice House Chronicles, which is the secret show.

It's a really cool show every first and third Friday where it's like 12 comics and we're all kind of like working out new material. It's really cool if you want to see like a different version of stand-up comedy. Like arawler version. So that's at the Ice House Pasadena. Also December

23rd, me and George Perez and we got a bunch of secret guests like Dean Del Rey, Brea, California. So December 23rd, Brea, California, me, George, and a bunch of secret guests, Death Squad Show. So check

that out. And then December 30th, me and George are going up to San Jose at the San Jose Improv. So that's going to be a lot of fun. Me and Tony are bringing Kill Tony on the road. Not only are we doing the Sketch Fest, and that's in

San Francisco. We are also doing, this is a new announcement, that we're doing the Moon Tower Festival in Austin on April 20th. 4-20, bro. That's a new announcement, so enjoy that. But you can find all the stuff we do

by just going to deathsquad.tv and clicking on tour dates. Or if you want to get Golden Pony about it, you can go to TonyHinchcliffe.com and get all the information of the Golden Pony right there. His merchandise, his tour dates, everything. And Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, has his own website. He draws every episode and then makes prints of all the episodes that you can buy off his website. He also has a poster for sale.

So check that out at ryanjebelt.com. And last but not least, don't forget shopsquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Dust Squad universe. Anytime something breaks or we need to fix something or anything, we get the money from selling shirts. I draw a shirt and put it on ShopSquad.tv. Right now we have two shirts. We have a t-shirt and a sweatshirt for the winter. We have two ones up on pre-sale right now.

For the next 48 hours, you can guarantee that you will get it by getting it in the next 48 hours. Go to ShopSquad.tv. Click 48 hours. Go to shop squad dot TV. Click on T-shirts to see both of them. Last not least, don't forget to always subscribe to kill Tony on iTunes. Search the iTunes store for kill Tony and hit subscribe or subscribe to the death squad podcast network. And then you'll get everything we do here at death squad.

Like what Brian red band do verbal violence, bedtime stories, and a bunch of stuff. So go there. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redband coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony by employer, here's Tony Hinchcliffe. Hello, everybody. Hello, and welcome to the number one live podcast in the world. Make some noise, everybody.

We're streaming live around the world right now. And this is a real live show. I'm here with my friend Brian Redband. Make noise for Brian Redband. Hey, guys. On the ones and the twos. Ryan J. Ebelt is drawing tonight's episode. He's the house artist.

He draws every episode live right in front of you. He's got a blank sheet of paper. He's the guy that drew the Kill Tony poster. Jamie Vernon on the HD camera. Let's just jump into it. Powerful young Jamie. Guys, I'm so excited. We had a lot of fun in Houston, too.

Yeah, we just did a big, crazy, sold-out Kill Tony in Houston, and we're going to Sketch Fest in San Francisco, January 2017. That's a good one. Probably a whole bunch of the gang's probably going to get to go on that fun road trip. That sounds like fun. Yeah, we could probably take the whole band and everything if we wanted. Yeah, we could probably do everything, San Francisco. You could have a real Kill Tony experience.

Just like these lucky people here are right on its home field. You guys excited to be here tonight? We have more fun on Mondays than anybody else in the world. As always, we have two guests. One of them is here. One of them is coming later. I'm going to introduce the guests first tonight. And then we're going to introduce the band.

Guys, it's always two of the funniest humans in the world. Here's one of them. The other one's coming later. You know him. You love him. Powerful. Greg Fitzsimmons, ladies and gentlemen. Make some fucking noise.

It's the real guy, Greg Fitzsimmons, one of our favorite guests on the show. Hey now. He's back. I love you. I love you too, man. And I love your family. I just met Tony's family.

Yeah, there's a bunch of my family here. Shout out to my brother, my sister, and my brand new brother-in-law sitting right over there. That's right. Tony Hinchcliffe has a new brother-in-law. That's the brother-in-law. Yeah. He looks new. Hell yeah. He's the brother-in-law. Yeah. He looks new. Hell yeah.

He's got that sparkle. Brand spanking new brother-in-law. Well, what do you say? You think the band's ready yet? Or is there a longer delay needed, Josh? There's definitely a lot of comics in the hallway tonight. Oh, so they're ready? Yeah, they're ready.

Okay. That's the way to answer that question. Jesus Christ. I was going to mention his Twitter handle, but all of a sudden I forget it. There he goes, that guy. Is it at passive aggressive? Yeah, I think so.

Hashtag lonely. Your band, it's the Kill Tony band. It's the funniest thing in the world. Everybody from it's here, right? All right, great. Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins. It's the Kill Tony in the world. Everybody from it's here, right? Alright, great. Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins. It's the Kill Tony band, guys. Here they come. Here they come.

Oh my goodness. Jeremiah handing out donuts. Krispy Kremes. Jeremiah handing out donuts. Crispy creams. Wow, look who it is. It's Wakey Wakey version of them. It's the sleepy version of the band, it seems. All of them wearing sleeping hats.

version of the band, it seems. All of them wearing sleeping hats. This is the most bizarre show that we do every Monday here. It's gotten so creepy. I love it. Put your hands together for the band, ladies and gentlemen. Here they are. I didn't really get that. What was that supposed to be? I'm a little confused.

What's that one, guys? What was that intro? Was that the kids just waking up or something? It's rainy and cold outside. I think we're all sleeping and getting drunk more than normal. Oh, wow. Is that a real bottle of whiskey? Holy shit.

Pat Reagan. All right. I'm into this episode already. I can feel it in the air. You guys feel it? You guys excited or what? Yeah. Greg, what do you think about this band?

I don't even know. They do a different intro every week. It's a different theme. Well, it's Sleepy with an Edge. You know, there's a pouch. Maybe Sleepy with a Bulge. Yeah, there's a little pouch of a bulge going on down there. Hide it with the guitar. What is that that you're wearing? That's my Yeah, there's a little pouch of a bulge going on down there. Hide it with the guitar.

That's my boy Patty Reagan right there. Doesn't Pat look like he stole this getup from a cowboy? Like there should be a barrel around him? Is it too early for riffs? I'm sorry, guys. I just want to get this show off the ground. I'm trying to figure out what you guys are.

I was asking you, but I can't really get an answer. Jeremiah, what are you guys doing? Oh, you know... It is a very interesting... All right. I just wanted an answer. There it is. Well, you know, we've been on the road with Kill Tony this weekend.

I'm a little tired. You figured we'd do a sleepy intro. Really glad it translated to this audience. Yeah, why would it? Why would sleep? Who wants to mix rock and roll with sleepiness? Yeah, I don't know. Maybe it doesn't help that the host is so skeptic of the entire intro.

And as soon as we walk in, he's he was like dude I don't get it dude donuts in a dream sequence you're being cool and you passed out free treats to the audience not flying here dude wow Jeremiah still obviously a little jet lagged from being in Houston

you just killed it at the come and take it festival Jeremiah Watkins we did the god damn comedy jam it's like some Tom Petty. You ever do that show? What's it called? The goddamn comedy jam. Fuck no.

What is it? You get to be like a real rock star. Oh, I heard about that. You get to sing whatever you want. Yeah, yeah. You get to really get lost in it. Yeah, I was supposed to do it, and I chickened out. I was going to play Purple Haze on the guitar, having only studied the guitar for upwards

of 30 minutes. And I bailed because I figured it's a funny idea, but it might be torture for the audience. Right. Give me the guitar for upwards of 30 minutes. And I bail because I figured it's a funny idea, but it might be torture for the audience. Right. Give me the guitar. Fuck. Should I try? Yeah, give it to me.

Really? Holy shit, here he is living his dreams. Anything can happen on this show. If you guys like one of the greatest guitar riffs of all time being done by a guy with 30 minutes of experience, then you're going to love what's about to happen. Yeah, I think he's got it. How is he doing this?

Drake Fitzsimmons is a genius. Oh, my God. This panty's raining on stage right now. It's like he's not even playing. He's so confident. This is crazy. Wow, ladies and gentlemen. This show's out of control.

How did it feel? You got to live your dreams. It felt really sexy. Every comedian wants to be a musician, and every musician between songs tries to be your dreams. It felt really sexy. Every comedian wants to be a musician and every musician between songs tries to be a comedian. What musician do you think has the

best banter between songs? The most hilarious banter I've ever heard in between songs was by far Tom Petty live. It's unbelievable because what he does is all he has are hits. This guy. You just don't realize it, but he has enough hits to play an entire concert.

So he's killing it. Oh wait, hold on. The show stealer. Wait, what is it? Sorry, Pat's dick just fell out of his out of his 90s. In that case, I love it. I love that it fell out.

That says something about the girth. It unfolded. Mine would pop out. Fell is like a tree. Right. Fell is like it hit the ground or something. Yeah. Fell means gravity pulled it out of your panties.

But no, Tom Petty in between songs is amazing because he just plays all hits and he kills it the entire time, but he plays it really down how hard he's killing it always, so he'll just be done with some killer song and the place is going nuts and he'll just, instead of being

all rock and roll, he just goes like, he'll just be like, he'll just be like, he'll just be like, hey, did you guys like that at all? Did you guys like that a little bit? Did you really like it? He'll just be like, did that sound okay, you think, maybe? He just plays it really down.

And then he also plays down the song that he'll go into, too. He'll just be like, you know, you guys maybe, if you ever, I don't know, you may have stumbled across this one if you have a friend that's really into records and stuff. Maybe they played it for you once or twice. Maybe you'll remember it.

It goes a little something like this. Cause I'm free! Free falling! It's ridiculous. Oh, you guys did? Oh, you guys did hear that once before? And then the play gets like three times the reaction from the crowd. Because you're like, yes, we've heard it! And it's the most rock and roll shit ever.

If you haven't seen Tom Petty live, if he's still touring, you have to. It's the most diverse audience. It's the coolest fucking shit. Tom Petty live. If he's still touring, you have to. It's the most diverse audience. It's the coolest fucking shit. Tom Petty has black fans? It's unbelievable. Old ones, young ones. I saw Wiz Khalifa there. No shit. I'm just talking.

You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Did you have any good rock and roll middle things? Any people try to be funny when you were at a... Elvis Costello is good because he likes to play in America and shit all over America in between his badass, punky British songs. And you can't argue with him.

He's dead on. And I think that people have a hard time with John Oliver sometimes and definitely with... Who's the guy who hosts The Daily Show now? Trevor Noah. Because they have a hard time with John Oliver sometimes, and definitely with, who's the guy who hosts The Daily Show now? Trevor Noah. Because they have a hard time with British people making fun of our culture. But somehow with Elvis Costello, it's like, yeah, you get a pass. You can say whatever the fuck you want.

I think his name's Trevor Noah. What'd you say? What did we say? I think I said it. What did he say? Okie dokie. This is going to be a wild show, man. Man, Greg Fitzsimmons did that

Jimi Hendrix solo. Pat's dick popped out. I'm ready to go. Was Shizzle busy? Snoop Dogg, my new friend who I roasted on Wednesday. That shit's going to come out soon. Wow.

When you guys see Tony roasting Snoop Dogg, it's one of the greatest moments I've ever seen. He destroyed. He's really crazy. I've never seen Tony destroy that hard in my life. It was so great to see. I'm basically best friends with Snoop Dogg now. I'm just trying to... I'm not going to keep it on the low low.

There he is now. Snoop Doggy Dogg. Wow, you really have a lot of Snoop things ready to go. Okay. Okie dokie, wow. Two different buttons. Okay, that's enough. So yeah, that was cool.

That'll be coming up soon. Stop it. You're out of control over there. So Snoop Dogg, you need to go to the restroom. Is it number one or number two? Seal, seal, seal. Oh my god. Alright. Please, Jeremiah, why do you always

throw gasoline on us? Hey, uh, Tony's trying to move on. What was that thing again, Brian? Can you, uh, let's, uh, fuck with him a little bit. I didn't like how he didn't like our intro. All right, let's move on.

You guys know how this show works. Fucking anybody can sign up to perform 60 seconds on this stage, and then we talk to them afterwards. All of a sudden, you're a guest on the show. We could talk about anything. Your set, what happened, what didn't happen, what could have happened, fucking what else in your life is going on. Comedians, you know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty.

It's 60 seconds. That's what it sounds like. You better wrap it up then or she's going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And that's super annoying. Yeah. Yeah. Nobody wants to hear that. There's a little mouse there at the end.

All right. It's a super weird one tonight. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? I've already said that like 17 times, but... Win in Rome. Let's see what we got here. How about Remy Nassiri? Remy Nassiri. here how about remi nasiri hello hello uh i just turned 28 i know some of you look at me like

motherfucker you look about 40 but it's true i just turned 28 although i do feel that my body's been against me from a very early age started to grow these big ears around age eight and then then three years after that, I started to grow hair on my shoulders for no real reason. And then three years after that, I started to lose hair on my head at the age of 21. Now, I don't know if there's, he's a bald man over there. You can tell everyone that you become very insecure when you lose the hair on your head. You know, you think everyone's just looking at your bald spot. And I lived insecurely like this for two years until I built up enough courage to shave my head. And for a while I was like, you don't look too bad for a big ear ball motherfucker

however this was short-lived because I went into work one day and I'm talking to my co-worker Edson and he's just staring at my head the whole time I'm like man what the fuck are you looking at he's like you ever noticed that your ball patch looks like a dick in two balls and if you look at it and that's all I really have but I don't know how long I left have. Okay, my girlfriend, she recently moved to San Francisco. How long I got left? If you want to be done, you can be done. 57 seconds.

I'll be done. I'll be done. Hello, hello. I'm going to tell you something. I did that three days ago and it went way better. I've never done a room this big. You went really, really, really fast. I mean, you sound like that Micro Machine commercial from the 90s.

But you called me first. I was coming here on a whim, and there's all these people. You're still doing it. What do you mean a whim? What do you mean coming in on a whim? I've never come to... It means a subway. It's a British term.

That is true. I know. I went to the one... Enough! Watch out. I met her on the whim. I I went to the one Enough I met her on the whim I was going to the open mic Now it's the other one And then I didn't know this existed

And I was like oh what's this And then I came What's this What's this There's flowers in the air What's this What's this What's this

I was not Then I took platform 9 in 3 quarters And I ended up here It's true But yeah So I wasn't expecting All of a sudden I was like

Watch this That's Australian That's not my voice What are you? I'm English You went G'day mate Where are you from? That's not my voice. You were like, good day. What are you? I'm English. You went, good day, mate. Where are you from?

I didn't say that. Similar. I mean, similar. Man. I feel like you're currently on part of, you're using this as an alibi because you're part of a current bank robbery that's happening right now. Like some kind of heist somewhere. And you came in and you're like, oh, I don't know what this show happens to be, but this is where I was at this time, not at that bank.

Hey, I have no idea what I stumbled across here. What do you mean hundreds of thousands of downloads? I don't get it. Number one live podcast in the world. I was not expecting this. I was not expecting this. I was not expecting this. I signed up.

They said it was random in a pocket. And all of a sudden, my mind is blown. So ridiculous. I don't know when this became like the morning radio fucking show. But I sort of love it. I don't know when this became like the morning radio fucking show, but I sort of love it. I'm not going to lie. We got Wendy in the van.

Show us your tits Tuesday. We got to stop with this Snoop thing. I'm telling you, it's a momentum killer. That's his friend now. That's his friend now. Don't fuck around with that. We have to have like some kind of button that mutes the sound effects. Alright, Remy.

Let's talk about it. Everything's so random and spontaneous that this happened. You didn't know what this was. Do you just sign up for a lot of random things? No, I was signing up for the other thing and they were like, kill Tony, you get a minute. And I was like, okay.

I did that. And look at me now. He just signs up for shit. He's got a table at Island Burgers in about seven minutes. He's got a buzzer in his pocket that's supposed to go off. So yeah. How long have you been in America? Three years.

So what's the story with that? Came for adventure. Met a Latino lady. Came for an adventure? Came for an adventure? I married a muggle and I just started. I just stayed here. I couldn't resist.

Basically. But yeah, got a good woman. You still with her? I am. What does she do? She works at Google. works at google she's smart lady wow i work at a restaurant what restaurant la scala but it's whack that's a good restaurant people are whack but what do you do there i'm a waiter obviously really i mean you could have been a line cook easily what about about dishwasher? I don't know what you think you look like. Oh, I'm a waiter. I'm a waiter. You don't think I should be the one to go to the table?

I was a line cook before. What you think? I'm a food runner? What you think? I'm supposed to get your car. Easily. All of these things you could be.

Waiter would have been one of my last guesses. What you think? I'm the dish washer? I don't understand why Americans make us sound like Oliver Twist. Like, hello, would you like a bubble? Because you sound like Oliver Twist, you motherfuckers. Why you make us all sound like John Oliver Twist? I disagree.

It's all the same. You've been in America for two years Three years Three years and you still have the accent I do, my brother would kill me Of a chimney sweeper My brother My brother would kill me My brother would kill me

You guys throw V in brother like it's nothing I do My brother would kill me Let's talk about your ears briefly Yes Now you have a Latina girlfriend. I'm just assuming, is that from oral sex, right? Yes.

Those are the handles. Yes. No, but they're really great for comedy. Yeah. I mean, for the podcast listener, you can't appreciate that they are 90 degrees from your head. Yeah. They sort of, they're like, you like have like Dre beats

Sort of just built into your skull Right And HBO Yes I had this all through high school Dumbo That one seems to You go back to that a lot

You've said it twice You think Dumbo is what people go to Because you're from England That's what people say a lot People call me Dumbo in England It's the meanest fucking shit You've ever heard in your life Dumbo is what people go to because you're from England. That's what people say a lot. People call me Dumbo in England. It's the meanest fucking shit you've ever heard in your life. Do I look like a fucking elephant with big ears to you? A little bit.

Is that what Dumbo was? I'm also British, so people call me Dumbo-dor. There he is. It's Jeremiah. That's great. It's way more relaxing doing this part Than doing the first part I should get a podcast

We should do this together No no no Remy this is your first time seeing this show It's very successful It just goes on without you I realise that Remy what do you do for work Do me Okay stop it Brian

You're out of control I'm a waiter we did this oh yeah that's right we did that fuck we did that did you smoke pot before the show

yeah a lot of it tons of it is that where you met the Mexican girlfriend no I moved in she was doing the dishes I was doing the whiting classic love story

it was a classic love story it was a classic love story It was a classic love story I moved into the apartment she was living in And she was upstairs, I was downstairs And we made love You made love with her from downstairs? I did So your dick poked through the ceiling

Blew through the ceiling And then you penetrated her from a floor below It was an impressive feat, yes Remy, do you have any special skills or talents? I can play basketball, okay through the ceiling and then you penetrated her from a floor below. It was an impressive feat, yes. Remy, do you have any special skills or talents? I can play basketball okay. Really? Pretty well. I've got a mean three point shot. Is that true?

That's true. I'm playing guitar badly like he does and I'm learning Prince songs on the piano at the moment. But you're only about what? Five foot seven? Five eight. Five eight? Three point shooter. Five seven. piano at the moment. But you're only about what? 5'7"? 5'8"? 3-point shooter. 5'7".

Hold on. Let's go back to back. Because I am 5'7". Uh-oh. What do you guys got over there? They're becoming the same person. Don't get closer. Yeah. What just happened? Is this a before and after for a product that doesn't work.

Wait, who's after? I don't know. I can't tell. But yeah, I'm trying to think. That's about it, though. Yeah. That's about it. I play tennis sometimes.

But you play basketball good in England. Have you played since being in America and just all of a sudden people are like, Get that shit out of here! Sometimes, but sometimes... Those Brits, they have no idea. I play with the old people who get drunk and play and then think they can talk shit all the time. Sounds like you have a personal thing at your local court.

You should all go to Sik for Morsha. You're out of control. You're out of control. I'm going to get you out of here. Anything else for Remy, Greg? No, I think you're sweet. I think there's something about your energy that's really nice and good luck. Keep it up. Thank you. Slow it down though

because it's really hard to understand you when you're I've never done it in this big of I know, but just be conscious about it. Oh yeah, nervous as shit. I don't even know what you talked about. I was distracted by the buzz the entire time trying to get Josh to fix it. My ball patch is looking like a dickhead. It's a joke. It leads into

another joke. I did it better the other day. He'll get it. He listens to his own podcast. Peaks and drops. There he goes, everybody. Remy Nasiri. Get out of here, Remy. I'm a waiter, obviously. You all be, obviously. I'm a waiter, obviously. You all be, obviously.

I'm a waiter. You all the weakest link. It's wrong. You could have killed me. Oh, shit. Gordon Ramsay. I don't know. Brian's the master of impressions that you have to explain afterwards.

If you're wondering, that was a lot of impressionists introduced the character first. You guys know who Gordon Ramsay is? Okay, this looks interesting. I love one-word names. The best part about this is whoever it is, Brian will do an impression of them after their performance. Perfectly. This is true.

Put your hands together for Sora. Sora. Hey, guys. Guys, put your hands together for Sora, ladies and gentlemen. Come on. Hey guys, I'm originally from the South, South Korea. I was adopted. I was adopted because like other stories involving Asians, my story too has a happy ending. I was adopted by white people, because white people love buying humans.

But my parents didn't tell me that I was adopted until I was 13 years old. And I was like, no shit. What's for dinner? Yeah, I grew up in a really small white town. Like, I was the blackest person in my town. My school put on a production of America's Next Top Model, and I landed the role of Tyra. I was like, thanks, guys.

I didn't even audition. Yeah, so basically I'm about as Asian as one of those California sushi rolls. You know? Like, I look exotic, but I'm really just imitation crab. There you go. Sora, everybody. There she is. Hi, Sora.

Hi. Welcome to the show. Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. Where are you from? Born in Korea. Raised in Michigan.

Living in Miami. You live in Miami? Yeah. Wow. Shit. I'm here. So you've been doing stand-up in Miami for three years? Yeah.

And then all over a little bit this year. You know Esther Koo then? Why? Because... Because she also lives in Miami and she's an Asian comic. Right, right, right. Is it because I'm Asian and you just expect all of us to know each other or something?

Right, Dan? Oh, we're from the exact same place? That is how she said it. Brian backed her down pretty quick with the Miami thing. Sora, what's going on? How do you make a living? By doing marketing. Telephone marketing?

Yeah, I did that one time. I did do that. Didn't like it, though. I just stuck with it until I got my paid two-week vacation, and then I quit. So now I'm here. Yeah. Well, I like you. I think you have really nice timing. You don't go too fast.

I didn't get the thing about... What the fuck? Just because I'm a bald guy and she's Asian doesn't mean everything I say has to be dirty. I didn't get the thing about America's Next Top Model. No. There's a play? Yeah, my sorority put on a production of America's Next Top Model one year. Yeah, that might be a little vague.

Vague? Yeah. I liked all the other material. That one I just love. Let me ask you this. You were primarily raised by regular white parents then? Regular white people. So are there things that...

By normal people? Yeah, like... Normal white people? Like borderline Trump supporters, you know, like those kind of people. What do you mean by borderline? Like the kind that said they were going to vote for Hillary but just voted for Trump? They just live on the Mexico-US border. Yeah, that.

Miami. Are there things that you've noticed being raised by white people? Have you ever noticed this inner Asian sometimes that does things? Do you do certain Asian things? Or did being raised by white parents change you?

I'm a little bit OCD and people are just like, no, you just got feng shui. OCD, is that like orange chicken dinner? What? What did you say? That was lightning. That was incredible.

That was incredible. I loved that. I'm gonna vote for Patty Reagan right now. Pat Reagan letting his dick fall out again. Look at this guy. Pat Reagan taking his Adderall before the show. Did you and Sora like pre-produce that or something? All right.

If he has anything, just bring up OCD. It would mean the world to me. I'm sitting on a gem. You mean like an orange chicken dinner? I'm sitting on a gem You mean like an orange chicken dinner? You ever talk to your original Korean parents? No, I was literally abandoned Yeah, I just saw some

I just saw some crazy documentary Called Dying Rooms or something like that That they have in Korea You know about this? What is this? It's basically... It was a to-go box. What?

I lost it. Hot streak Patty Reagan over here. Anyway. Yeah. Well, so you were made in Korea. I was made in Korea. Okay. Yeah.

Yes. I need a shirt Korea. Okay. Yes. I need a shirt. How's your driving? Like, is that Asian, or were you taught by all white people? Yeah. It still sucks. Really? Yeah.

That's just a fucking thing in your guys' veins. It's incredible. I mean, they really are. Of all the racial stereotypes in the world, I've always said it, and I don't mean to be hacky. It is unbelievably true. It's amazing how you can tell an Asian driver from like a half a mile away. Oh, I know. Like, I mean, it's kind of a point to where like, you know, when you first got here, you're like, whoa,

that person almost hit me. And then you see like, oh, that's an Asian person. What are the odds? And it really is. Now it's like you'll just see somebody on like a different freeway and they'll just, you know, that's an Asian and it's true I date a Korean also and she admits that she's the one is it true Toe? you do where's the sound effect for it

there's the car crash for that one wow still a bad driver did your white parents make you a lot of Asian food growing up? no like well yeah my dad tried to make stir fry but it was just like Still a bad driver. Did your white parents make you a lot of Asian food growing up? No. Well, yeah, my dad tried to make stir fry,

but it was just like frozen vegetables and rice. Have you gone back to Korea lately, or do you ever go back? Yeah, I did a study abroad program there, but I ended up hanging out more with the Europeans than I did the Koreans. So I'm just like white to the core. Oh, you like the Germans? Is that what you like? Have you noticed that there's any words that you say super Asian?

Surah, my name. That's about it. How do you say it? Surah. Surah. So do you get Asian people that come up and expect to be able

to bond with you and they realize that you're not the real thing? Yeah, like I feel like I met like my grandma

on the train the other day. She just came up to me and she gave me candy and I felt like we had a bonding moment. She didn't speak English but I felt like

that could have been something but I'll never know because I didn't know what she was saying. I like your work. As Chung Lee in Street Fighter 2. Wow, was that... She was making a really nice moment.

Is that Tam Pham? Is that Tam Pham? I don't know where I see him up there, but he's standing right there. You guys might know Tam Pham is one of our favorite regular comedians on the show. He gets pulled out of the bucket a lot. And sometimes he can talk.

He moves his mouth, but it comes out of the speakers. How much do you weigh? Tam Pham, how are you feeling tonight? How do you feel about seeing... Hold on a second, guys, just for a second here. 100 pounds. Because Tam Pham, I mean, there's not a lot of Asian girls that come here that often.

And, you know, you's not a lot of Asian girls that come here that often. And, you know, you're a sensitive type of guy. I mean, does it excite you seeing Sora? Do you think this might be true love? Go ahead. Oh, most definitely. Hold on a second. What is it about her that, like, excites you the most? First of all, she give me a raging giant Asian boner.

What else? What's second of all? I'd like to put my egg roll in her pad thai. This joke is so inside. Not only do the pod people not get it, half the room can't even fucking see it. I know, I know, but the listeners know. Do you do a bit about being a box baby?

Like, do you have that in your act? Yeah, I say... Oh, you don't have to give it away. Yeah, I started from a box, now I'm here. It's that easy. I would love to have you on the Ice House show the first Friday of December if you want to join us. Oh my God, there you go. Why wouldn't I do that?

You got a spot at the Ice House. As I've said before, from the Rice House to the Ice House. Works on every Asian when they get that. Thanks for decorating it in here for me, guys. Oh, you are, by the way, hold on. Do we have the music for this? You are the 1,000th Asian person on this show to make that joke. Congratulations.

There you go. Things. There you go. Things that make you go, ooh. What else? Or any special talents or anything like that? Anything crazy about you? I played the violin, which my parents still put me in. Wow. That's so interesting. Well, it's interesting because I was actually

born with missing fingers, which is part of the reason why I think I was put up for adoption. Wow, there it is. I didn't even notice that until just now. Wow, that's so cool. Oh my god, everyone, show and tell, everybody. Your one hand's just like rock and roll all the time. Yeah, yeah. More like, I like to say like hang loose, you know.

Or the Wu-Tang Clan, whatever I mean. That's awesome. Yeah, they still put me in violin, which I thought was weird because, you know, I'm missing fingers. I feel but that's awesome yeah they still put me in violin which I thought was weird because you know I'm missing fingers

like I feel like that's like adopting a black guy with one leg and still putting him in basketball you know it's exactly like that

well no that would have been if they made you become a masseuse oh it's true hey Fitzsimmons finds a way to top it, man.

We massage with our feet. With your feet? Yeah, we massage our feet. How are the toes? Solid? I'm a toe model. Are you? Let me see. I'm a wannabe toe model. Oh, here we go with the foot. Redman just came on his iPad. Toe model?

Wait, you seriously want to be a toe model? Sure, why not? You have beautiful feet? I think they're my best quality. Can we please see them? No, stop it. Stop it, Brian. This is a live podcast.

I'll describe them. Me and Craig will describe them for the audio list. Oh, so gross. I get the right one. Why is he describing them with his mouth? Well, Sora, I mean, you're super cool. You're a little bubbly white girl in an Asian girl's body, and it's very funny to see that.

Welcome to Los Angeles. Yeah, have fun while you're here and rock and roll. It was nice to meet you. Great job. She's on Twitter at Hora for Sora. Surah. Hora for Surah. H-O-R-A number four. S-O-O

R-A. Breaking news. I think the show's going really well so far. Yeah, we're having fun. What happened to that second guest? Did that person die? Yeah, let me check on that. That's a whole thing.

Nope. Don't know yet. What? What was that, Pat? Wait, what was that, Pat? I think that was an inside thought that crept out. He just goes... He just watched her leave and he goes, such a hot girl.

Awesome. And I was like, Pat, you know you just said that out loud, right? And he's like, whoops. What a cool story. Imagine being left in a box. I'm the girl in the box. So much fun. I pulled another name out of the box. So much fun. I pulled another name out of the bucket.

This name says Spence Gilbert. Aw. Blacklisted. All right. How about Mike Diaz? Me and my girlfriend fornicate. That's cool cool We've been doing it for a while now So I've been trying to mix things up So I've been recording us

And it's cool, it's cool Because I'm a big fan of porn I watch it a lot And so I wanted to be like them And I always thought the camera added a couple inches But as it turns out It doesn't. So I'm thinking about taking extends.

Well, one thing that comes with fornication, though, is children. I like children. They're cool, I guess. Children, to me, are kind of like trampolines, right? Because, like, you don't really want one all the time at your house. It's cool, like cool to go somewhere else and hang out with one and then you can leave and not have to worry about it. But I also like trampolines

because it's still highly debated whether or not you can jump on them with your shoes on or not. How much time is that? Ten seconds? I don't know if it is. Wow, there you go, Brian. Oh, you were done? Well, you you go, Brian. Oh, you were done? Well, you definitely didn't sell it.

I mean, you were... Jesus Christ. You were not sure of it or something, because the whole time you were kind of looking down. I could see you trying to remember stuff. Whoa, Brian, let me attack. Good God. He hates you.

That's crazy. I thought he was really trying to make an effort to look up at people. Guess who's definitely not performing at the Ice House when they come back in December. My goodness. Brian hates you. Hey, guys, it's not called the Nice House. Let him in.

Mike, what's your story? Have you been on this show before? Yes, a couple weeks ago. Maybe a month. What did we find out about you? That I travel the country to play video games, and I drive for Lyft. Oh, yeah. You drive for Lyft.

Yeah. Are people shocked when you pull up? You look like you're about 15 years old. Yeah, actually, a lot of people usually ask me how old I am. They're like, wow, they let teenagers drive for this. Yeah. Remember Tony? He's that comedian who drives for Lyft.

You know. You know that one comedian. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's what he one comedian. Oh, yeah. That's what he was doing. Oh, yeah. There you go. Do you tell people you're a comedian when you're driving for Lyft? Sometimes if they ask me what I'm doing out here, because I usually kind of progress this to that.

Because I'm new to the city, so I'm kind of like, whoa, what are you here for? Yeah. That's a lot of pressure then, isn't it? Because then they kind of expect you to be funny while you're driving. No, actually, they always just ask if they ever use experiences from Lyft and then if they're going to be a joke. That's usually what happens every time. That's the worst.

Yeah. Which I guess that was that moment right there where they did just become a joke, those people. There it is. Hey, Tony. Wasn't worth it. Didn't it sound like he was one of the robots from Westworld? It was like, I love fornicating with my girlfriend.

We sometimes like to talk about children. I'm a big fan of porn. Yeah, I didn't really catch what you were talking about. What was the overall thing you were saying I guess the overall was recording having sex dick looks small on the camera

babies jumping on them I mean you really did it seemed like you were just looking down it felt like you were trying to remember what's next. You have to have, is that true? No, it was actually more of just like a kind of stage fright. I'm trying to get over that while doing it. I tell you the best thing to do is to look above the heads.

Almost five months. Five months, oh yeah, you're a baby. Second trimester. Yeah. Yeah. You're a little. Second trimester. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. You're a little baby. Young baby.

What were you doing before doing stand-up? Like, what were your hobbies back then? Skating and then still playing video games. Skating and playing video games. Where's the scars? Any scars? Oh, actually, right here on my eye right here. Oh, yeah.

Look at that. I was skating a rail, and then I was teetering on both sides of the board, and the front foot slipped off, so it popped up and hit me right in the face. Have you ever thought about combining the two things

and being the... First skateboarding comedian? I like that. Yeah. I mean, you just do your special right on a ramp, just going back and forth. It's crazy, right?

You know Gallagher did a special on roller skates, right? Who did? Gallagher. He did a special on roller skates, right? Who did? Gallagher. He did a special on roller skates. Are you serious? Yeah. It's amazing.

You can watch it on Comedy Dynamics if you download that app. Is that true? Yeah. How do you know that? Do you have the app? Because I watched the special. On the app? On Comedy Dynamics, watching Gallagher rolling around.

Why do you have that app? Because, man. I just don't understand how you get on that tangent of anything, like where you end up with that app watching Gallagher roller skating. That's incredible. That's actually the slogan for their company. Why do you have that app? Because, man.

Why not? All right. Well, Mike, anything interesting happen since the couple weeks that you have that app? It does, man. Why not? All right. Well, Mike, anything interesting happen since the couple weeks that you've been here in real life? I went to Atlantic City for a tournament. What was the game that you were playing? Super Smash Brothers. Super Smash Brothers Project M. Wow.

How'd that go? I did shitty, but one of the people I flew with ended up getting fourth. Do you have weird rituals and cool things that you do, like headphones and sunglasses? I usually wear... Do you do push-ups and jumping jacks before or anything like that

before playing Super Smash Brothers professionally? I guess what Tony's saying is, how do you deal with your Asperger's? And how have you played so many video games to where you're literally starting to look like Mario, by the way? It's really creepy. I mean, I'm not going to... Let's keep this guy away from the mushrooms because he's going to blow up on us.

Hey-o! Hey-o! Thank you. Thank you. You almost think we didn't have a live drummer Joel Jimenez playing the sleepy character To the team tonight Now you're getting the theme

I guess so Alright Mike We're going to fly through you You were up a couple weeks ago Good to see you again There's Mike Diaz Let's keep it moving There's Mike Diaz

Where can he go? Do you have a Twitter? No Twitter You don't have a Twitter? No Twitter for any of these people By the way Did you steal that bathrobe from a hotel? Look at him

He's not even fucking paying attention Doesn't it look like a hotel? Oh yeah That's totally a hotel What's his name? Joel Joel Did you steal that bathrobe from a hotel? Oh, yeah, that's totally a hotel. What's his name? Joel. Joel. Did you steal that bathrobe from a hotel?

This? Yes. I don't want to talk about it. All right, go back to sleep. I just pulled one of our favorite humans ever out of the bucket. Put your hands together for her. You know her. You love her.

It's the one and the only Aphrodite, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah! Hey. Hey You know I really think that God must be a stand up comedian Cause who the hell Would create something like this Who the hell would create that You know

I'm getting tired of people thinking that fat people don't exercise you know i'm getting really damn tired of that let me show you one of my exercise i exercise all the time see and one two three four and five six and seven and eight and nine and ten eleven and twelve i exercise damn it all the damn time just for you skinny ass people that want to ask people fat people do they exercise i exercise i eat fried chicken afterwards okay so ask me no damn more do i exercise don't sit on your damn face okay don't ask me that shit no more you know really i'm tired of it you know some women don't have uh sex but they do have what I call anger orgasms. You know, they haven't had sex so long. Only time they get one is when they get mad.

And when you see one of them getting mad, you should say, you're having an anger orgasm, aren't you? Thank you, thank you, thank you! Hey! Aphrodite, you are just one of the most bubbly, lovely people in the entire world. Oh, thank you. You are a goddamn inspiration. I try to be. You always find a way to work your butt into your joke.

That's right. I mean, you can't hide all of this. How the hell are you going to hide it? You might as well make fun of this shit, you know? My doctor had the nerve to tell me to lose weight before my second hip surgery. I said, has Mount Everest moved since the last time you looked at it? I have no idea what's going on. You're like if Tyler Perry made Beetlejuice or something like that.

Really? Yeah, yeah. I am. I got all this hair from smoking weed. Oh, is that true? Yeah. Any of y'all bald-headed people smoking joints? Wow. That's interesting.

I didn't know that's how that worked. Yeah. It's either that or $29.95 for the week. Aphrodite, remind us again. What do you do for work? What do you do for a living? Well, I'm a recording artist. I'm a singer. I do a lot of shows singing.

I just recently got back into it because I actually had bone deterioration in both hips. I had to have double surgery. I'm 61 years old. No, you're not. You're 61? I'm 61. Holy shit. I just made it last month, October 10th.

Damn. Do you maybe want to sing us a little line or something? Okay. I used to think that I could not go on on, yeah.

And life is nothing but an awful song. And now I know the meaning of true love, babe. I'm leaning on the everlasting arms. Even though I weigh 250, I think my ass can fly. Oh, there it is. There it is. We always know what's going to be the butt of the joke.

Yeah, just my ass weighs 250, not me. Aphrodite. I mean, that really is something else. It is. What do you think you did to get an ass like that? My grandmother. My grandmother. I keep telling people my grandmother was a little short lady.

She's the one that put the whole can of fix-a-flat into your ass and pumped that thing. That's natural? This is natural. There's nothing else in that. There's nothing else in there. No diapers or butt pads or anything? No, no, no. Everybody knows when I say the word diapers, this place is getting turned up.

This is real 100% USD beef, motherfucking ass. But what's amazing is... Oh, shit. That's okay. The old gangster diaper. But there's a is... Oh, shit. That's okay. The old gangster diaper. But there's a balance to it. Your body has a balance. Like, your titties stick out exactly as far as your ass.

This is my mom. These are real, too. You're like the letter S. Yeah, I was just going to say that. You really are. Hey! It's unbelievable. Yeah. And it's real.

It's like you have an hourglass figure and because you're black, it's running late. That's alright though. This is what the brothers love. This is what the brothers love. The brothers love the bootay. Not the booty, but the bootay. Okay.

Brian's out of control over here. Brothers love the bootay. Not the booty, but the bootay. Okay. Brian's out of control over here. See, in the hood, you can't be on duty if you ain't got no booty, hey. All right. Everybody relax. This always happens when you get up here, Aphrodite. You end up stealing the whole goddamn show.

I got to represent the old people, man. Done with this old shit. You know, we sexy too. You know what I'm saying? Hell yeah. Fuck a young boy. Aphrodite, what are your thoughts? What was that last thing?

What was that last thing? Did you just say fuck a little boy? No! You got to be 21 to get on this ride. You know what I'm saying? No! Say fuck a little boy? No! You gotta be 21 to get on this ride.

You know what I'm saying? Gotta be 21. 21, motherfucker, 21. Have you hooked up with any 21-year-olds? I'm working on somebody. What do you do? I don't like guys over 40. So when you're hanging with a 21-year-old, what's the first thing that you teach a boy like

that? He's not a boy. We have a 21-year-old right here. Will you show us? Here we go. Some music for this? Some actual music? I bust his head. That's what I do. But verbally, just tell us.

I don't have to tell him anything. It's just like a natural attraction. Because you saw the last show I was on with the fine ass Mr. Jordan. Yeah, but this is... Yeah! I'm about to molest that ass, boy. You're going to molest that ass?

Yeah. Molest it. So we're going back a level. That's better when you think you're doing wrong. You know how that shit go. But like, what... What are some of your favorite things to do in the bedroom? Oh, I like to get licked and licked and licked and licked. All right, stop that, Brian.

Come on, dude. I like to be breathless. It's good. I might return the licks. It's one of the only times that I sort of regret asking a question to that extent. It's good I might return the licks It's one of the only times that I sort of regret asking a question To that extent It's one of the very few Normally I'm like nailed it

But that time it's like oh whoa Licked and licked and licked One lick would have done just fine You really painted the picture there I feel like we all just felt Like our face between I mean where are people going to stop being shy about sex? You know, all this church shit

got to go. Because that's all church people do is fuck anyway. They go to church and repent and they fucking repent and fucking repent. That's what I'm saying. That's all they do. What's the craziest thing you've ever done sexually that stands out to you in your memory? Oh, let me see. How many times do I have to count it down for you?

Like, have you ever had less than a three-way? No, no. I don't like women. I don't like women. Four or more if you want to be on this ride. No. No, that's right, that's right. I just like men.

Preferably, preferably, preferably handsome fucking black men. Or twist the limit with Jordan I twist the limit with Jordan. Twist the limit with Jordan. Wow, you are out of control. Yeah, he might be my first white boy. Really? You haven't been with a white guy before? No, no.

Really? No. That's racist. No, that ain't racist. You got to look at the dick, baby. You talking crazy. I think we all did before. Oh, I saw that thing.

That pink thing fell out over there. It traumatized me. I almost didn't make it up here. You saw it? You saw it? I saw it. He turned around and I said, that's not a dick, is it? See, I'm black. I ain't never seen a pink dick. I seen them in a porno, but I ain't never seen one up close. It kind of fucked me up, you know what I'm saying?

I hate that you've never seen white dick and Pat had to represent us. Damn, Pat, you fucked it up. Boy, I was going to fuck a white boy until I saw that shit, man. Aphrodite, that might be the most brutal description of a penis I've ever heard. That's not a dick, is it? I thought it was some strawberries at first, but then I saw a little hole in it. I thought some strawberries was falling out of his pants. I thought it was strawberries fall out of his pants.

You know, that's normal. Damn, Malik. You do seem like you'd have strawberries fall out of your pants. That's right. That's right. Aphrodite. You do seem like you'd have strawberries fall out of your pants. That's right. That's right. That's right. Aphrodite. That's right.

Regardless of all that, Aphrodite, I think you got a new catchphrase tonight, and it's I'll sit on your damn face. That's right, baby. Bust a nut on your face. Hey, all right. You just punched up your own catchphrase. Yeah, that's right. That's right. What's the craziest thing you've ever used

your majestic butt to do? Let's face it, you're dealing with some crazy things. I feel like you could use that as a bottle opener or a bunch of crazy things. What do you use your butt for in real life? Get some clothes at Macy's? Let me see. One time I raised a family of birds

in there for three months. No, just knocking people out the way when I need to, you know? Oh, my God. Have you ever thrown a guy out of a bar? Have I ever thrown a guy out of a bar? With your ass? No, I've never worked in a bar. I don't really do bars.

Can I ask you this? Do you have kids? No, I don't have no kids. I like men, but not that much. I don't want their ass coming over after I get done with them. Take your ass home. Shit. That's why I'm not married, because I don't want to see no guy every day.

Yeah. Pat, have you ever been come inside of? Have I what? Have you ever been come inside of? Come inside of? Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? Like you said.

Aphrodite just has guys fuck her until she comes. They don't ever get to finish. She has no idea what you're talking about. She's in it for herself. I like the hard black brother's body. You understand what I'm saying? So, Brian, I'm begging you. We really don't need another Spongebob for the rest of this episode.

I promise you. I like that Denzel Washington walk. Yeah, Denzel, he ain't that cute, but he got a fine fucking sexy ass walk. I promise you. I like that Denzel Washington walk. Yeah, Denzel, he ain't that cute, but he got a fine fucking sexy ass walk. Damn! But Pat does have an interesting question. Do you think a guy's ever... I mean, it is sort of amazing that you have this

amazing voluptuous body. 60 years of never having a nut busted inside you. I didn't tell you that. That's what I asked. Yes, I've had 3,000 motherfucking nuts. What the fuck are you talking about? She goes, I don't know what.

I might have had your nut if you had that show with that little pink dick. We went from zero to 3,000 real quick. I don't know if anybody noticed that. What are you talking about? What? Yeah, 3,000. Shut. I don't know if anybody noticed that. What are you talking about? What? Yeah, 3,000. Shut up, Willis. All right.

You pink dick bitch. That's right. That's right. You're going to be my bitch now, motherfucker. All right. How you pay my rent and shit? We need subtitles for that last part. That's right.

That's right. Speaking of abortion, how do you feel about the Trump presidency? I was going to ask that. I was going to ask that. How do you feel about your new president, Donald Trump? Man, I don't give a fuck about Donald Trump being the president. It's the same shit for black people since the first motherfucking president. What's the damn difference?

We still ain't getting shit. It's just a crazy motherfucker. Everybody knows it's crazy. Now the white people are scared. That's what's really interesting. The white people are scared now. Not the white people scared. That's what's really interesting. The white people scared now. When the white people get scared, this shit is over. He's going to have an accident.

Believe me, in about six months, that motherfucker is going to have an accident in the White House. You heard it here first from Aphrodite, our new psychic forecaster for the future. I forecast that motherfucker is going to get burnt with some fries. Forecaster for the future. I forecast that motherfucker gonna get burnt with some fried chicken. Aphrodite, not only getting laughs, but riling up all the black person in the room. That's right, that's right.

We can do it, we can do it. Put some grease on that motherfucker and put a chicken wing on his head. What else do you do for fun, Aphrodite, when you're not doing comedy? What else do you do, other than singing and comedy, anything else? Well, I'm actually a self-published author.

I'm working on my second book. I love to write anything creative. You're an author? Yes. I have no idea. Yes! Yes, I is. I always just thought you went by Aphrodite.

Yes, I writes. There you find out that you're one of the authors. Yes, I'm the author and the finisher I've met a few Arthurs before Usually it's like white guys And stuff like that I'm not authorized but I'm an Arthur So what was the first book?

The first one is called Poetry on Fire I'm raising money to reprint that one And this one is called When Freedom Rings This is what it sounds like Do you have an about the Arthur section in your book? Yes, I do. Yes, I do. What does it say?

It says I'm a bad motherfucker and I got a big ass. Yeah! I love you, Aphrodite. You are the greatest of all time. I'm going to let you go. Get back to it. Thank you. Love you, guys.

Love you. Thank you. Love you guys. Love you. It's the most ridiculous show ever. The poor motherfucker that has to come up next. I know, right? That's a tough one. Why don't we go through our regulars and then we'll get back to the bucket after that. What do you guys feel

about that, huh? You guys know this first regular does a brand new 60 seconds every single week. No need for the bucket. They just do a brand new set every single week and you get to document their growth and watch them do stand-up all the time. It's right here for you again. The one, the only

Vanessa Johnston. right here for you again the one the only vanessa johnston yeah guys give it up for her okay i don't know it's like we're like uh um some some people say i'm a shitty driver but uh i don't get in car accidents which is pretty good for like never looking at the road no okay um the other day a cop pulled me over he asked me if i've been drinking i said yeah but i'm still not drunk enough to fuck you i think pedestrians have too many rights man right like they should not have the right away i'm the one driving a tank fuck him what do we have like pedestrians in the audience okay the other day i sideswiped a pedestrian to teach him who's boss

i'm leaving now okay fuck yeah vanessa johnson that sort of makes sense. I can see what you're sort of doing, writing some goofy things to mix in with all that serious shit that you've been working on. Yeah, a little bit. It's like a little, you know. How's life going?

Greg, you've seen Vanessa before, correct? Many times. Always enjoy it. Thank you. You made me laugh out loud on the second joke. Which one was that? Can't remember. I don't have that kind of mind. I just remember laugh out loud on the second joke. Which one was that? Can't remember. I don't have that kind of mind.

I just remember laughing out loud. Yeah. How's life going? It's good. That's cool. Yeah. You doing sets around town? Yeah.

I try to go up like three or five times a night. Three to five times a night? Uh-huh. Damn, look at you. Hustling. Pat, how often do you get up? I get up most nights. I get up most nights, yeah.

I was just saying, I mean, you guys sort of have a rivalry, and it seems like she really seems like she's sort of outworking you. I see Pat at Mike all the time. Yeah, we see each other a lot. Oh, well, perfect. There you go. At Mike's. I was trying to set you guys up for a thing,

but I guess that's not happening tonight. We're building a set. We're both building sets. We should start some kind of fight between them now. Figure out a way to get back into this fighting mode. Yeah, they've made up. Anyway, so Vanessa, what else is going on? Election?

You're trying to tell jokes about the election? I did a couple, like, a couple weeks ago. But I'm, like, politically neutral, so. Really? You're neutral at this time? Mm-hmm. That seems almost impossible. Yeah.

Wow. But I like neutral jokes about it, so. Yeah. You're clearly, I was with you that night, by the way. I don't know if you remember this, but I was with you, Greg, when we I was standing. I'll always remember it. We were standing backstage green room, but in that little long lit up hallway. And I said to you, I go, no, no, no. This guy's he's about to win right now because he was ahead in PA. It was minutes away that they were going to call it. Yeah, we're back there.

And you weren't handling it very well at all. Ahead in PA. It was minutes away that they were going to call it. Yeah. We were back there. And you weren't handling it very well at all. I don't mean to throw you under the bus, but it was sort of funny to see. You were just like, oh, I have a family. And I'm just sort of like, yeah, man, you're looking at me. It's just me and him. And I'm just stoned to the gullets, probably have a jointlet in my hand, just like, dude, Trump's about to fucking do this shit. And he's like, yikes.

Yeah, we started the show, we're sitting on stage, and Rogan hands me a joint, and I was like, I don't think it's a good night for that. He goes, take a fucking hit. And so I smoked some pot, which was the worst thing to do, because once it became obvious that the apocalypse was upon us, I freaked the fuck out, and I had to leave the stage and I left and I got my car and I drove

home so I could be with my family I was looking for you afterwards and you had disappeared I was sitting in between my fucking kids on a couch stoned watching the worst thing I've ever imagined could happen and I was going to drive back to the comedy

store and then I went out to the car and I sat there and then I listened on the radio and then I came back in the house. It was a disaster. Yeah, it was a weird night. I think everybody will sort of remember where they were for that one. Yeah. I just remember when they announced that pot was legal in California.

The entire room, 250 people, stood up and lit up and puffed smoke and gave a standing ovation for about five minutes. It was an amazing moment, finding out that pot was legal in California. We love LA, as

Randy Newman once said. We love it! Alright, Vanessa, well, there we go. We'll see you next week. A new 60 Seconds with Vanessa Johnston. Speaking of new 60 Seconds, we have one other regular. We'll see you next week. A new 60 Seconds with Vanessa Johnston. Speaking of new 60 Seconds, we have one other regular. You know what's going on. Here she is. It's Allie Makovsky.

Put your hands together for Allie Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen. Hi. Hi. Hey, you guys should have more fun up there. Cool. I can't come.

Thank you. I can't come. But I do discharge a lot. Which is like, it's very fun. Can't come. Discharge a lot. Guys will be hooking up with me, and they're like, oh my God, Allie, you're so wet.

And I'm like, this has nothing to do with you. I went to the gynecologist because of that. And my gynecologist, hey, shut up, thank you. And the gynecologist told me that I needed to change my diet. And I was like, I'm not eating out of my pussy. And she was like, well, it smells like you're shitting out of it. Do I have time for more? Okay, thank you. It. Allie McCoskey.

Wow. I love the balls that you would... I like that you have the balls to do that joke and then say, do I have time for more? Like you were going to top that fucking joke. I was hoping to. Oh, come on. Man, that's incredible.

Can I just say my mom sent me like a long text because she's watching the live stream and she was like, you should have told me Greg was there. I'm going to slice my wrist. And then she was like joking, but also take a picture with him. Look at that.

Last time I saw you here, I took a picture with you because I was like, my mom's such a huge fan and I sent it to her and she created a Twitter just so she could post the picture and tweet at you. Holy shit, look at that. She's crazy. And I love her.

Hi, mom. Wow, that is so cool. I'm flattered. What was the Twitter handle? I don't want to say it. Drake Fitzsimmons, favorite of boys and moms everywhere. I know. That always seems weird, you know, because I'm 50,

but I don't think of myself as 50 until somebody like you says, yeah, my mom's a big fan. She is. No, I'm flatter. Tell her I say hello, and I'll hit her up on Twitter. Do you really have a discharge problem? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was hilarious. I feel like you could even, you know,

I feel like you're really just getting started on that. No, it's been... There's so much that you could talk about with that. You could really... Escargot. I mean, I guess. I did a show and I did that joke and some girls ewed me. What? You could just say

the word escargot. Okie dokie. So I did a show and some girls ewed me, just like a group of girls. And I was like, because your pussy never had any issues, you dumb whores. Right. I was so pissed. Well, I also said to them, I was like, I don't know why my vagina smells like the ocean. I haven't been to the beach in two years.

One thing that really stood out to me was in the midst of, in my opinion, sort of having the set of the night during your 60 seconds, I noticed that you kept getting very angry at the people up there. Yeah, just leave. Is this a new

rock and roll type of Ali Makovsky? Do you attack the audience a lot? No, if like you're in a small room where someone's doing a minute of jokes it's like it's just one minute you can talk all you like just go outside yeah of course you didn't get called so like just wait it's not and sorry but like yeah i like how you handled it no you didn't lose your shit you You just very casually told them to shut the fuck up because they were being rude. And then you got right back into your set.

It's like I'm trying to write a minute of material and then I'm gauging it from over here. And then if people are talking, I don't know what's happening. And then it's just like a bad litmus test. And not only that, it's not an audience. It's comics. Right, exactly. Oh, I got it wrong. I guess it's not comics. Right, exactly. Oh, I got wrong.

I guess it's not comics. You're right. You got one minute. I see comics over there. What do you mean it's not comics? Who are those people? Oh, there was a waitress there? Oh, okay.

That happens sometimes. I don't care. I was about to load up on a fucking rant about comics who are there to socialize and not to work on shit, and Allie's here to work on shit. Wow, dead air. I wish we could quick edit this thing somehow, like in certain

spots where I have a delay button or something like that, to where we could just go right into the next part. No, I'm a big fan of this. Super live. Super live. I like this. Look, when you got one minute, you want to be able to fucking concentrate. It's like when I'm fucking my wife and she tries to talk.

Yeah. Yeah. Shut the fuck up. And just like when you have sex with your wife, after 60 seconds, you hear the sound of a kitty. There it is. For the first time ever, audibly. What's that new buzz?

You wiggle that wire? Which buzz is this? Yeah. Jesus. Dead zone initiated. All right, Allie. Well, you did it again. I mean, the streak continues.

Allie Makovsky on... Thank you. I'm so sorry. That's an absolute killing streak since making her return as a regular. Minute after minute, hour after hour. What a fun show. You guys having fun tonight? It's a little warm in here, isn't it?

Are you guys warm? Yeah, it is a little hot. Dude, I am so hot right now. Whoa. Whoa, what just happened? Whoa, it was the ghost that was in the alley. The mic slipped out of the stand because it was sweating. You can open up that back door if it's too hot in here.

Joel, you can open up that door. Yeah, open up the door. All right. He just ran away. All right, I'm pulling another name out of the bucket. You guys ready to do this or what? Put your hands together for Kevin Mack. Oh, yeah.

I was at the gym the other day, and this guy was asking this girl out. And he asked her for her phone number, and she was like, no. And he's like, come on, I just want to get to know you. And she's like, I'll give you my email. I was like, why would you do that? You're giving him the ability to send you dick pics in large file format. Seems like a bad plan.

I don't trust women anymore. 51% of the population didn't vote for a female president. I'm supposed to give you a key to my apartment? Can't even trust you with our country. Get the fuck out of here. I realize that I look like every college date rapist you've ever seen the truth is I don't date that's it there you go Kevin Mack alright you've been on this show a few times

I have yeah remind us what do you do for work again Kevin Mack. You've been on this show a few times. I have, yeah. Remind us, what do you do for work again? Acting pays my bills. Acting, that's right. What have you been in recently? Scotch tape commercials? Are you the brawny man right now?

No. I don't have the hair for it. No, the most recent thing I did was a Super Bowl commercial, unfortunately. Which Super Bowl? Unfortunately. They paid me a bunch of money. Sucked. It was the Buy Water commercial.

I was the horse whisperer. I basically just yelled at a horse for 60 seconds. It was Water? Buy Water? It's called B-A-I. Buy. What kind of money can you pull down on something like that? I made 80 grand. Nice, everybody. Come on.

Give it up. What the fuck do you do? Man. All the ladies just went at the same time. They're like, we like this guy and 80 grand. Oh, my goodness. Disregard that. Buy water.

Ali's discharge is flying everywhere. Rip it. That's what Ali calls her discharge too. Buy water. Sort of buy, sort of watery. All right, fuck it. Kevin, anything crazy happen since the last time you were on in real life? I got in a fight a couple weeks ago at a bar.

Oh, shit. About what? Trump and Hillary? Yeah. Some guy hit a girl. Whoa. In front of me. Oh, my God.

You seem like the exact guy that would pop up out of nowhere if a guy hit a girl. Yeah, I went 100%. You don't come from anywhere. You just come from the ground up. Oh, hello. Did you just put your hands on that woman? Those guys are just like, oh my god, who the fuck did you come from?

Did you jujitsu him? I went 100% Captain Sabo. What does that mean? I, um... No, I, he, uh... Why does everybody assume he fought the guy? That's a good point. Now that Trump's president, I think you could do it. Grab him by the pussy, left jab.

I don't know what you can get away with. No, I just kind of got in his face and was trying to back him off and he swung on me. Try to jack him off? Yeah, I tried to jack him off. I tried the less aggressive route and just jerk him off. He swung on me. Try to jack him off. I tried the less aggressive route and just jerk him off. He swung on you.

Then what happened? You catch his punch with your hand and you're like, shouldn't have done that. Something like that. I ducked it and then I headbutted him. You ducked it and headbutted him. After you headbutted him, you look at him right in the eyes and you went, and I did that with this face.

And he's just like, God, you're so beautiful. I'm sorry. No, he – Like that? I headbutted him pretty solid, and then he just looked at me, and I was like, oh, shit. Like, I might be fucked right now. And then he tried to double-leg me, and when he double-legged me, I sprawled out. I got his back, I might be fucked right now. Right. And then he tried to double leg me. And when he double legged me, I sprawled out.

I got his back and I choked him out. Wow. Unconscious. Unconscious. Wow. What did you say when you got up? Something cool. Come on.

You had to have something cool. Some kind of slogan or something. I just got up and was like, Rogan taught me that. Shut up. You're so full of shit. No, I ran because the bouncers were running towards us. You did the most masculine thing ever, like joking. I have to go.

You just leave this. Exactly right. He just left a corpse there. Everybody gets there. They're like, oh, I guess this girl just killed this man. Sorry, lady. You're under arrest. No, I got to the door and another bouncer was like, hey, what's going on over there?

And I was like, I don't know. Some guy was like passed out or some shit. And then I left. Kevin, I'm not going to lie. You are. We're going to we're going to move on. We're going to get right through it. Go on.

Get out there. There goes Kevin Mack. We're going to get one more person up here for a turbo turbo minute. Super fast. You guys want to do this one more time or here for a turbo minute. Super fast. You guys want to do this one more time or what? Let's close out this puppy strong. What the fuck's going to happen? Put your hands together for Josh Gibson.

Good evening, everybody. Thank you so much for coming out. I know we just legalized marijuana, but I just renewed my medical marijuana authorization. Yeah, I still have whatever the fuck I told him I had last year. It's still good. It's still messed up. It's good.

I'm actually going to put it to work for me this year. I'm going to use my marijuana authorization to start a business. It's going to be a legal combination pot shop sperm bank. Weedwhackers. He's right. It is a dumb joke It's good though I'm friends with a lot of comedians Most of my friends are comedians I like to give them rides

If they don't have cars, I like to give them rides Between shows, between bars But on the way over here tonight My check engine light came on And I don't really feel like I can offer rides anymore I can only offer adventure Alright, I'll close on that and said, like, now I don't really feel like I can offer rides anymore. I can only offer adventure. All right, I'll close on that.

I'm Josh Gibson. Josh Gibson with exactly 59 seconds. Oh, boy. Fuck yeah, man. That was fun. How long have you been on stand-up? Just a couple years. That's cool. What do you do for work?

I do title insurance. What's the most exciting thing that's ever happened to you at the title insurance job? I got to stop working in an office and work from home. So now I don't have to sit in traffic. So what do you do at home while working that you probably shouldn't be getting away with? Oh, I've definitely looked at porn on the clock.

A lot. Everybody knows when you hear that DJ Khaled, somebody's getting paid to beat it. That's DJ Khaled? Yeah. I've always heard about this DJ Khaled. I've never heard a DJ Khaled song until just now. It was a real treasure.

Real treat. DJ Khaled, what a great artist. There you go. Alled, what a great artist. There you go. All right, Josh. What's the craziest thing that you've ever done? Like a school shooting, anything like that? I survived a school shooting. Really? Is that true?

That's true. When I was in kindergarten, this was like long before Columbine. I think that makes me the hipster of school shootings. Yeah, this is amazing. I can't believe that I asked that. Is this really true? That's really true. In 1989, a guy came to my school.

It was a private Christian academy. I was in kindergarten. All I really remember is looking out the window and seeing police. I don't remember a whole lot about it. Wow. Did anybody get shot? Yeah, somebody was killed

and somebody else was shot a lot. There you go. It's happy, you know. You got it. You know what that song means. All right, Josh. Well, that's crazy. That must have been a tough sell.

When you run a Christian academy and somebody comes in and shoots everybody, it's tough to go, all right, getting back to the lesson about how God's taking care of all of us. It's still open. There's still a Christian academy. There's still – it was still running. There was a program that like – see, both my folks are naval officers, and so they could afford this expensive tuition. But the school was like, hey, we're Christian, and we want to let people come in here who can't necessarily afford to do it. So there was somebody who came in, and this was one of those guys, and he was not all there.

Jesus, Josh. You're making this way too crazy than it has to be. I don't know what's going on. Your parents are belly button officers? Dude, I literally thought that but didn't say it out loud. How do you make it? Did I already ask you what you do for work? Title insurance?

What does that mean? Like on houses, cars? What do you mean Did I already ask you what you do for work? Title insurance? What does that mean? Houses? Cars? What do you mean? There's property You take out loans on the property I have to make sure that you're allowed to do that So if you've been through a divorce And you don't own the property anymore

It's my job to know that So yeah It's very boring It's really just three computer screens That I get to smoke weed, play with my dog. You have a girlfriend? No. How long have you lived in L.A.?

Just a couple months. I left Seattle in June. Oh, very cool. Yeah. Well, how do you like it? What part of town are you in? I'm over by the Capitol Records building. I love it here.

I thought that I was going to hate it in L.A., but it's pretty good here. What do you live in, a one-bedroom by yourself? Yeah. And you just jerk off and smoke pot? Damn right. All I do is wait. I'm going to tell you this right now. You are the third funniest Sklar brother that I've ever met in my entire life.

I'll take their third biggest paycheck. I see what you did there. You still got some of that wacky Seattle left in you, Josh. Thanks, Tony. All right, there he is, Josh Gibson, ladies and gentlemen, the final comedian of the night. He's on Twitter, Josh. Thanks, Tony. All right, there he is, Josh Gibson, ladies and gentlemen, the final comedian of the night. He's on Twitter at Josh Gibson Jokes.

Hey, how about that drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt that I promised you? He drew that while all you lazy asses just sat there and had fun all night. Jeremiah Watkins, Pat Reagan. Unbelievable. Look at this. Jamie Vernon on the HD camera. Put your hands together for Pat Reagan And Jeremiah Watkins Joel Jimenez

Watch Questionable Science on Comedy Central With Rich Fulcher and myself Yep, Jeremiah At Jeremiah's stand up Hit me up on social media guys And then at Mostly Sorry for Joel Jimenez Thanks guys Yeah

Greg Fitzsimmons, anything you want to promote? Yeah, I'd love to see my people out in Madison Joel Jimenez. Thanks, guys. Yeah. Greg Fitzsimmons, anything you want to promote? I'd love to see my people out in Madison, Wisconsin. Comedy on State, December 1st through 3rd. And then Laugh Boston, December 8th through 10th. I love it. There you go.

That's Kill Tony. See you at San Francisco Sketch Fest January 2017. See you guys. Get a poster from Ryan J. Ebel to ryanjebel.com. The official Kill Tony poster. Faster than my boat All the other kids With the bump that kiss They're under I'm running like a Thank you. Bye. you