KILL TONY - KILL TONY #186

Episode Date: December 20, 2016

Luis J Gomez, Mike Lawrence, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Ali Macofsky, Vanessa Johnston, Pat Regan, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 12/05/2016 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem?

Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly hey this is red band and you're listening to kill tony here at death squad check out our website death squad.tv there you have everything that we do here including all the video portions of all the different shows we do. Just click on videos. Or we have tour dates. Not only is Kill Tony every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store, every Tuesday we have Roast Battle, which is verbal violence here at Death Squad. Every first and third Friday we have the Ice House Chronicles, which is the secret show.

It's a really cool show every first and third Friday where it's like 12 comics and we're all kind of like working out new material. It's really cool if you want to see like a different version of stand-up comedy. Like arawler version. So that's at the Ice House Pasadena. Also December

23rd, me and George Perez and we got a bunch of secret guests like Dean Del Rey, Brea, California. So December 23rd, Brea, California, me, George, and a bunch of secret guests, Death Squad Show. So check

that out. And then December 30th, me and George are going up to San Jose at the San Jose Improv. So that's going to be a lot of fun. Me and Tony are bringing Kill Tony on the road. Not only are we doing the Sketch Fest, and that's in

San Francisco. We are also doing, this is a new announcement, that we're doing the Moon Tower Festival in Austin on April 20th. 4-20, bro. That's a new announcement, so enjoy that. But you can find all the stuff we do

by just going to deathsquad.tv and clicking on tour dates. Or if you want to get Golden Pony about it, you can go to TonyHinchcliffe.com and get all the information of the Golden Pony right there. His merchandise, his tour dates, everything. And Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, has his own website. He draws every episode and then makes prints of all the episodes that you can buy off his website. He also has a poster for sale.

So check that out at ryanjebelt.com. And last but not least, don't forget shopsquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Dust Squad universe. Anytime something breaks or we need to fix something or anything, we get the money from selling shirts. I draw a shirt and put it on ShopSquad.tv. Right now we have two shirts. We have a t-shirt and a sweatshirt for the winter. We have two ones up on pre-sale right now.

For the next 48 hours, you can guarantee that you will get it by getting it in the next 48 hours. Go to ShopSquad.tv. Click 48 hours. Go to shop squad dot TV. Click on T-shirts to see both of them. Last not least, don't forget to always subscribe to kill Tony on iTunes. Search the iTunes store for kill Tony and hit subscribe or subscribe to the death squad podcast network. And then you'll get everything we do here at death squad.

Like what Brian red band do verbal violence, bedtime stories, and a bunch of stuff. So go there. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redband Company live from the road-famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 4. Give it up for Tony Hensclare. Hi, everybody. Hello and welcome.

Make some noise. You're at the number one live podcast in the world at the Comedy Store on a Monday night right now. We are in it. Hello, everybody. We are live via the internet and in person. We're also an in-person live show. I'm excited about tonight. Keep it going for Brian Redman, everybody.

The man on the ones, the twos. You know, a good friend of ours has a new special coming out this week. This Thursday, Joey Diaz has a new special. Wow. See-so. Yeah. Use code word Joey. You get two months for free.

So check it out at See-so TV. Get two months for free with the code word Joey. Powerful Jamie Vernon on the HD camera. The great Ryan J.E. Belt is here drawing tonight's episode with a blank sheet of paper. Here he is, everybody. Put your hands together for Ryan J.E. Belt. You're going to see at the end of the show

that while you all sat there like a bunch of lazy asses, Ryan J. drew the episode. Should we just fly through it? Wait, we're doing San Francisco, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know what? Let's do our plugs throughout the episode. Let's just disguise them tonight. Let's bring up tonight's guests.

What do you say? Oh, the guests first. Okay. Let's do that because I want to get the guest's reaction to the band coming out. Because our guest tonight, this is the first time in Kill Tony history where I have purposely and luckily been able to rematch a booking that I've done before. Because last time these two guys were here together, they went hard. We had an absolute fucking blast. It's two of the funniest comedians in the world.

Two of my funniest pals from New York. Put your hands together for the great Mike Lawrence and Luis J. Gomez, everybody. Here we go. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. That's exactly how you guys sat last time.

I'm so pumped about this. Welcome back. One of my favorite shows ever. You two guys were the guests. Make some noise again. Mike Lawrence and Louis J. Gomez, everybody. Live. I love it.

Thank you very much for having me back, Tony. I'm very excited to be here. I'm excited to come back and judge your comedians. I'm hoping to make somebody cry tonight. That's my goal. I hope so. I like that there are some Latinos here to make you feel comfortable, some fat-bearded guys to make me feel comfortable.

This is awesome. I scatter them all in. I want the guests to be cozy. And your comfort is important, and that's why it's also important that at times we get to see you guys a little uncomfortable. You have a history, both of you, of, you know, letting the band know how you feel about

it. We have a band that you guys know about. And let's just do it, shall we? With a different entrance every week. These guys, two of the funniest, most creative people. I have three of them. And maybe four tonight actually, I think maybe. Here we go.

Here they are, the Kill Tony band, Reagan Watkins and Joel Jimenez. No dick jokes. With a full house intro, ladies and gentlemen. Reagan Watkins and Joel. Is that full house? I like that Joel is supposed to look like Uncle Jesse, but he just looks like Lewis's murdered father. Battle. Battle.

Here we are. I don't know. Is Pat supposed to be Bob Saget in this? Yeah, he's a clean freak. More like Bob Saget. Cut it out. Community college. And who are you supposed to be, Jeremiah?

Joey Gladstone. Thank you. This was very ill-conceived, I'm not going to lie. You named two names that I still didn't get it until just now. You just look like one of Uncle Jesse's adult twins Remember the 8th season when they had the twins? The 8th season You guys all look like you molested Michelle

In a different time in her life You got it dude You're literally stealing all of our lines right now We had like six planned You're literally stealing all of our lines right now. We had like six planned. They're firing this, coming out all of the lines immediately. You look like you just gibbled Kimmy. You guys actually think this is funny?

For some reason, you did. I'm serious. Do you guys know that Fuller House is the highest rated show in Netflix history? Yeah, take that. Orange is the New Black and House of Cards and Black Mirror. It's fucking Fuller House. Ugh. God. I watched it.

Trump votes. That's who's watching. It's the only show you weren't in this year Alright I'll take it It was a compliment He does a lot I love Jeremiah I love it Well I'm so happy you guys are here

Let's just jump right into it You guys know how it works Comedians all signed up There's a bunch of names in the bucket Sometimes it's not even a comedian Sometimes it's just a fucking crazyians all signed up. There's a bunch of names in the bucket. Sometimes it's not even a comedian. Sometimes it's just a fucking crazy person that signed up on a sheet and had no idea what the show was. And comedians, if your name or anyone gets pulled out of the bucket,

you get 60 seconds of stage time, and then you get interviewed by us about anything in the world. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. There you go. You guys ready to start the show or what? Make some fucking noise.

Someone is about to get 60 seconds of completely uninterrupted stage time. And then we talk to them. Put your hands together for Opie. Yeah, yeah, what's up, y'all? How's it going?

My name is Opie. I've been traveling around for stand-up lately. It's cool. It's fun. My favorite been traveling around for stand-up lately. It's cool. It's fun. My favorite thing about traveling for stand-up is when I tell the locals I have a show in town, and they go, Oh, cool, man. What do you rap about? That's my favorite thing. Because then I get to pretend that I'm a rapper, you know? But I'm not a gangster. Like, I grew up in a rough neighborhood, but I'm not a gangster.

So what I do is I tell them plots from movies I used to watch as a little kid. It's like, oh, what do I rap about? I rap about the time my uncle killed my father, kicked me out of the hood, then me and my homies came back and took the block over again. It's like, oof, that sounds so rough. Now, that's Lion King, dog.

Kuna Matata, bitch. I live in LA now. It's cool. The only thing is I'm the only black guy in my entire neighborhood. Learned a lot about white people. I learned their favorite way to say the N-word. It's with their eyes. Boom. Opie nailing it. 60 seconds. Got it. Hey, Opie. What's up, bro? Nice to meet you, Opie nailing it. 60 seconds. Got it.

Nailed it. What's up, bro? Nice to meet you, Opie. First time on the show, right? Yeah, it's my first time. I'm from D.C. D.C. I'm originally from Nigeria, but D.C.

Wow. Wow. Okay, there you go. Brian Redband, ready to go. Did you know he was from Nigeria or something? It's very impressive. Wow. Wow. How long were you in Nigeria for?

I moved here when I was five. Wow, five. Well, they took him here. Do you have any memories of Nigeria? Oh, yeah, for sure. Like what? What do you remember? I remember not a lot of white people.

That's an understatement. How many clicks are in your actual name, and is that why you call yourself Opie? How many clicks? That's a great question. One more. You know, Opie. Why do so many black comics have code names? Why do most black comics sound like X-Men members?

You guys didn't see Colossus on Comic View. He's great. Why Opie? Well, my full name is Akwayemi Olabaju. Okay. Keep it as Opie. Oh, bro. You're going to kill me with that.

Keep it as Opie. Oh, bro, you're going to kill me with that. I love that your name is the last spell you learn at Hogwarts. The Opie? Your names are, you're from one of the places that everyone knows is the only joke the globe has. Yeah, that we steal emails. That's the whole thing. Right. I think, though, the funniest thing about us is that we also stole the country above the globe has. Yeah, that we steal emails. Like, that's the whole thing. Right. Like, I think, though,

the funniest thing about us is that we also stole, like, the country above us, Niger. We stole their name, too. Yeah. Like, I think that's, like, the thing people really want. Do you talk about that in your act?

Do you go through all the basic shit? I just talk about, because, like, I feel like most people, like, they think, like, Nigeria's this fucked up place. But I live in, like, a straight-up megacity, you know? So I like to talk about, like,

it was a fucked-up city, but it's also not as bad as, like, a Detroit, you know what-up city, but it's also not as bad as a Detroit. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's hilarious. Yeah. Hey, guys, he'll be hosting

The Daily Show in two years. What did he do for work? No, no, no. He's too funny already. Boom. There you go. Shots fired. I got a laugh

and he burned a bridge. I was going to say, we are just burning bridges here tonight. Fuck you, rest of show business. We're doing a live podcast in the attic of the comedy store right now. How much do you travel for comedy? How much? Like a decent amount. I do like NACA gigs and stuff like that.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Like three years. In D.C.? No, I started in Orange County. How long have you been in L.A.? I've been in L.A. since January. Gotcha. Yeah.

And how do you make a living? I work daytime. I do Hulu. I would do customer service for them. Hulu, that's his cousin. Hook me up with him. They sell bags together. Hulu.

Hulu. Hulu and Opie. Hulu, this is Hulu. Hulu and Opie. Hulu, this is Hulu. This is Hulu. We must bury your daughter, Siso. That's just too funny. Oh, Pat, what does that mean? We really aren't enjoying yourself over there?

I'm just bored with the show. What's going on? What would you like to see? What are we missing here? Nothing. Carry on. Give us the spice that you think we're missing. Keep going.

Okay. No, we will. No, I demand more quality comedy from a show where someone dresses like Danny Tanner. Can I be the first one to give Opie a compliment? Opie, I was impressed. I thought the bits you did were good. They were solid. Both of them made me laugh.

I thought you had a lot of really strong stage presence coming up. And I think in the environment of being judged, it's a lot different than just doing comedy. Yeah. So you have four assholes up here trying to pick you apart and we're praying to fucking God or whatever your people sort of fucking he prays to God free my god I give you that I'll give you but we all wanted you to bomb and you didn't you did a great job so I gotta say I was a wait why'd you that. But we all wanted you to bomb, and you didn't. You did a great job, so I got to say I was impressed. Wait, why'd you want him to bomb? What do you mean we all wanted you to bomb?

We all wanted you to bomb and die a slow death here. We collectively formed a racist group, and we wanted you to bomb in front of the crowd. No, it's not because he was black. I want everyone to bomb on the show. It's more fun if they bomb for us to make fun of them bombing. He does look like the first person to go to college in a hood movie. You're the one that dies so everyone else

can learn a lesson. Boys in a hood. He looks like he's teaching a white girl how to dance. Opie was this close to getting his bachelor's degree. Opie, man. Well, that's cool. What's your love life like? I just got into a relationship with a chick. You excited about

that? Yeah, I'm excited. She's dope. What does she do? She's an actor. She acts like she loves that dick. He's Nigerian. There's no acting. Is she a white chick, Opie? She is white. Give me some napkins.

So she just acts like it doesn't hurt. I just watched White Chicks. She's actually at home right now, rolling around on the floor, holding her stomach still. How long have you guys been together? She's holding her stomach from laughing so hard at this show. Oh, my God.

What is happening tonight, Pat Reagan? Take that, Tony. He is such a rock star that, like, throwing the whole thing under the bus, I'm like, oh, this is one thing he hasn't done. He is pushing the limits. Have you met? Awesome. He picked the one full house character without a catchphrase,

and he's just angry. Oh, shit. All right. Opie, where'd you meet this girl? Tinder. On Tinder? Yeah. Was it the first girl you hooked up with off Tinder?

Nah. Jeez, wow. Good lord. Can you give me some advice? I don't know how to hook up on Tinder. I don't get it. I just go through their pictures And then I find something and I just make a joke Off of it off the Tinder

Oh like make him insecure Like nice stomach fatso No no not like that Yeah good old massaging You get in her head and then she's like oh I'm not worth shit And then she's like alright I'm gonna suck this guy's cock tonight It was just like I called her a dumb cunt Why won't she respond to me?

You get to see your parents a lot? No, like her parents live in Kentucky. No, no. So not at all. I know you're not. I asked a different question. I asked if you get to see your parents a lot. I know you don't get to see her parents a lot.

Let them never see her parents. You're unbelievable, by the way, Brian. My mom lives in Chino, but my dad passed away. That's why I moved out to Orange County. Gotcha. What's some Nigerian stuff that your mom does that is different, like a culture thing? Anything crazy? And can you do her voice? Because we will give you a? Anything crazy? Can you do her voice?

Because we will give you a sitcom. Can you do an impression of her? I don't like doing the Nigerian voice. That's fucking great. I feel like it's just been done. You're damn right it has. That's fucking awesome. We'll do it, though. You can do it.

Obby, get to your room. In my village. I'll bring you to your room. In my village. Are there any cultural differences? Anything that really stands out to you? For example, we had a guy on the show a few weeks ago who said that his dad wipes his ass with regular towels.

What? Actual towel towels and they doesn't like flush no flushing towels like no he just wipes his ass and puts it on a special rack where his shitty towel goes he said I don't do it shut up I have a genuine

concern about your name there already is like a famous OP in comedy yeah but I don't know like he ain't a real nigga, so I don't know. No, he just says it a lot. I don't know. I'm just like, I'm not too worried about that when the bridge

comes. Maybe you could hook up with another black comic and do a radio show and call it Opie and Anfernee. Opie and Antnee. What's your last name? It's Alibaji. Just slowly.

Alibaji. Brian, you're out of control. What the fuck? Is it that one? Is it Jungle Bird? Oh my god. That is so wrong. Wait. Why did they call that? Look, I guess it is. Oh, my God.

It's unbelievable. It's just all about you. All about you. That's fucked up. I don't know, man. I just want to tell you. It's not bad. You got to fucking be great to be a one-name comedian.

I know. You got to start 30 years ago. I think your name is cool as fuck. Say it all at once one more time. It's all aboutami on my body. The whole audience just turned into frogs. That was funny, Pat. I like that being part of this show.

Alright, Opie. It was fun meeting you, man. Cool stuff. Thanks, man. Welcome. Best of luck, buddy. There he goes, everybody. Opie. He's on Twitter. It's Swanky Opie. O-P-E-Y. Swanky Opie. All one word. How about that? You just met

Opie. Who's handsome, too. Yeah. Good looking guy. Yeah, I'm down with O-P. P. P. Fuck yeah. Yeah. P. P. P. Fuck yeah. Yeah.

All right. This looks like another new name. Put your hands together for Coleman Cox. How does Red Band do it? Oh, boy. Look who just got blacklisted from show business. Let's get O.P. up here for another set, boy. Look who just got blacklisted from show business. Let's get Opie up here for another set, everybody. Pulled another name out of the bucket. How about William Gilliam?

A little about me, I was a Marine for four years Fought in Afghanistan Now I'm going through a divorce Makes me miss the days I was getting paid to kill I had an issue. When I got back from the war, I couldn't sleep. So I had to go to the VA. They put me on a test run of a drug called Ambien. It's supposed to help me sleep and not have nightmares.

So I went home and I took it. I slept like an angel until about 2.30 in the morning. My roommate had to run in and rip me off my wife because I had a nightmare and i was beating her in my sleep so next day i have to go back to the va and let them know like how everything went they look at me they said well did the drugs work i said fucking great i got home and the house was clean the yard was moved it was like it's the side effects i don't tell you about really i mean I got home and the house was clean. The yard was mowed. It was like... It's the side effects I don't tell you about, really.

I mean... I had to quit taking them, obviously, for, like, medical reasons. William Gilliam, ladies and gentlemen. Fuck yeah. Awesome. Thanks, man. I love it if your ex-wife left you for a Nigerian on Tinder.

Tony, didn't Pat say he would fist fight any Marine any time he got face-to-face with him? I'm pretty sure. Not only did he say that, but he said this would be the funniest thing ever. Yeah, I remember saying that. There's some of those UCB chops right there. Hey, Pat, do you wish that you'd be knocked off a horse like Michelle

and just forget this episode even happened? That was the series finale. No. Oh, some of those Second City courses paying off. All right, William Gilliam. Is that your real name? That is my real name. Holy shit.

Yeah, I'm a junior. My dad's a dick. And so was his dad. Yeah. William Gilliam. William Gilliam! There's a wizard here all of a sudden.

That's fucking awesome, man. How much of that is true? It seems like you really have issues with your wife. We're done. Really am going through the divorce. Was it because you beat the shit out of her in your sleep? No. I was mostly awake. No, I'm just kidding.

Hey, this guy's got some good wife-beating jokes. No, yeah, we just argued all the... We got married after... We knew each other for three months. Got drunk in Vegas. Oh, fuck. We came home married. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, man.

So it was three years of couples therapy before I was like, this is retarded. Yeah. She realized you weren't the professional baseball player you look like. Man. How long were you married for? Three years.

Three years? How many times did you beat her in your sleep? Actually, what's funny is she asked me to rewrite that joke it really happened after the war with an ex-girlfriend but she's so fucking jealous she don't want me to talk about exes on stage wow wow wow wow wow wow i just imagine like a marine in an argument like, fuck you, bitch. I'm going to go back to Afghanistan where they respect me. And I could say what I want to women.

Muammar Gaddafi was a puppet dictator. So, holy shit. Hashtag UCB. I mean, that seemed like, by the way, that seemed like something that, you know. Hashtag UCB. I mean, that seemed like, by the way, that seemed like something that, you know. Hashtag superorganism. Fuck yeah. All right. So, that seemed like something, you talking about how she didn't want you talking about exes on stage.

I mean, you just responded like that was a normal crazy thing. Like, I mean, i can't even imagine is there anything else at the top of your head that like crazy as shit this uh crazy girl that you married in vegas other other things any other highlights that you would want to share is that oh yeah oh yeah we were we were at a we were we bought a house and she told me she was a medium. Oh, shit. She was really an ex-large. Yeah. Five months after we got married, she's like,

we bought a house and we move in and she's like, I'm a medium. I bought my grandparents' place. And like, she's like, well, I feel your grandparents' presence. So I stopped fucking her in that house.

Your grandpa's always jerking off in the corner of the room. Just like, yeah, of course you feel her grandparents' presence. Her grandparents gave you that house. It was a present. Well, that's the kind of humor you want? I don't want that humor.

I don't like it. I don't think it's funny. I just fucking said it because that's the game of the show. The show's a game. Play along if you want. What I love is... What, you think I'm talking bullshit up here?

I mean, in that, every show is a game of comedy, right? I'm out of the conversation. William, what I love is that you've bombed Afghani schools, and this girl's the thing you regret the most in life. How many people have you killed? I don't know. So, lots of Afghani schools. It's one of those things. I used to have a bit about it, but it doesn't hit hard. Of course. I don't know. So lots of Afghani schools.

It's one of those things. I used to have a bit about it, but it doesn't hit hard. Of course. Speaking of my wife. No, it's like, well, you go into a firefight, you get shot at, and then you just destroy whatever compound they're shooting at you from. When you go inside, everyone's dead. You don't know who got who.

How did the bit go? Knock, knock. Nobody answers. You want to throw who got who. How did the bit go? Knock, knock. Nobody answers. You want to throw a guess out there at number? I mean, if you had to, no big deal. Either way, if you don't want to. It was a rain. 30s, 40s, 50s. I know the estimate for our unit was, I think, 350.

Oh, God. He wasn't having flashbacks till the song played. This is going to be a lawsuit. Oh, my God. And how long ago was it that you were in the military? I got on 13. I was in from 09 to 13. I was in Afghanistan in 2011.

Well, that wasn't even back then. You literally look like you could murder us all with that microphone stand. And we wouldn't see it. You are fucking terrifying. Pat is not afraid at all. He's mouthing the word homo. Wow, what an arsenal of gay jokes you have. All right.

Dude, you came up. Let me tell you something about your presence. Your presence, when you came up, it's like you can't fuck with that presence. You just came up, assert yourself. You're a big dude, chest out in your first lines, but I served in the Marine Corps for four years. He literally looks like who they make hungry man dinners for. Yeah. How long have you been on standup?

Did we ask you that? No, I started in 2013. My last month in the military, I got a, I got a show down in orange County and then I was hooked. I just got out. I stayed around LA and you're all totally done with the military now.

Well, I'm still in, I'm still in like what's called the inactive reserves. So I've still got a contract left, but I don't do anything. It's like if there's a nuclear holocaust, they can call me back. What do you think about Trump being your new president of the United States of America? I'm reassured

by Mattis. Because Mattis has talked some sense into him. General Mattis, who he's looking at for Secretary of Defense, sat down and like completely changed his views towards torture.

Yeah. And I think, I think Mattis, I like that you think Trump can have his views changed. Well, Mattis told him,

he's like, Mattis told him, he's like, he's like, torture's never worked out for me. I'd rather have a six pack and a pack of cigarettes

and I'll get the intel I fucking need. Fuck yeah. I like that. I like that mentality. No, I like torture. I say waterboard, bring their fucking kids in, fucking put a gun

to their kid's head and run in front of them. You fucking tell me we're going to kill your family, motherfucker. One of the funniest, I was in an interrogation while we were over there

and one of the funniest sentences I ever heard was the guy interrogating the guy. I was there as like security. So I'm like, I'm standing next to the guy with the gun, and this intel guy is talking to him, and he's just like,

he's talking to the interpreter. He's like, tell this piece of shit that he's a fucking pussy. He has no balls. He would show more honor by helping us help his country than him just rolling around like the faggot that he is.

Was that Luis J. Gomez? Don't you mean Luis Gay Gomez? Am I right, everybody? Switching the pollers. Yeah, you faggot. You don't mess with my boy, Patty Reagan. He used puns just so you'd know you were in la oh shit now they're attacking los angeles everybody but then the interpreter looked

at us and he's like we we don't have words like that in our in our language and he was like well fucking come up with something make sure it's just as demeaning do you know what he ended up calling him what's that do you know what the word was? I have no idea. The only posh tune, which is the dialect of whatever language it was, the only posh tune I know is like

sunuportika, which means hands up. That's pretty much all I used. And then after you say that, you shoot them as fast as you can, right? I'm already looking forward to the end of this when he just walks through the wall and we see an imprint of him. Me must go home now. Can I just say how annoying it's been that the first two comics have been attractive, funny, with interesting backstories? Yeah, it is really awesome.

This is so fucking hard. It is really awesome. Can we get someone on the spectrum, please? Let's do it. Can we, please? I'll tell you this. William, in closing, I mean, I think Pat nailed it. You came up guns ablaze in fucking awesome stage presence.

It was awesome, man. I mean, really, really, really great performance. You're fucking great, man. So come back again. Thank you. Thank you much. William Gilliam. There he goes.

Fun stuff. He's seen a lot of shit. Thank you. Thank you much. William Gilliam. There he goes. Fun stuff. Really? He's seen a lot of shit. And nobody's doing jokes anymore about beating your girlfriends. I love that he was killing with them, though. Women were just like, oh, oh, oh. This is such a weird. All those women that went and voted for Trump in this past election.

Who knew that fucking William Gilliam and Opie would be funny people? What weird fucking bizarro land is this where the shitty names are the good comics? You are spot on, my friend. Can we just get a Jeff Smith who has 10 minutes on fisting midgets, please? This is fucking crazy. This guy made his debut on this show last week for the first time, and we all absolutely...

Another person we can't make fun of because he's too new. But he's actually not. He's experienced and killed it last week, and it's going to be a lot of fun. Put your hands together. Make a lot of noise for Chevy Terrell, ladies and gentlemen. Chevy Terrell. gentlemen. Chevy Terrell.

What's up, y'all? I'm going to tell you, I'm a diabetic. And I got to be careful because women always want me to go down on her vagina. And I got to make sure that vagina's sugar-free. I went down on this one girl. She must have been drinking Coca-Cola all night because my sugar went up to 850, and I passed out, went to a diabetic coma. She was dumb.

She didn't even call the ambulance. She called my mama. My mama get there like, what's all that grease on your face? What y'all been eating? Church's chicken all damn night? Because of diabetes, I got that erectile dysfunction. Erectile dysfunction ain't nothing but your dick playing possum. Chevy Terrell.

Ma'am. Do you really have diabetes? So you have cerebral palsy and diabetes. And high blood pressure. This is what happened last week. All of his responses are glorious. It doesn't even have to be particularly well written. What we learned last week is this guy has the

delivery of fucking... Tracy Morgan after the accident? Ha ha! This is why he's your roast battle champion. Defending, reigning roast battle champion, Mike Lawrence. He's funny, dude. You're really funny.

You got to get something going on quick because you're going to die probably in a couple years. Already died twice. Really? How'd that happen? I was born. Oh, there's one. Brian was there to make sure you felt the sting. Don't do the shoehorn.

He's doing great, Red Band. Yeah, it's a weird one to put that in. Yeah, fuck you, cerebral palsy guy. Weep, weep. All right, there you go. Red Band, I swear. I'm glad you got those out of the system so I don't have to hear them again. Chevy.

I like that you're dressed like what's left at a Goodwill store. He did really well. Good at the Death Squad show Friday. We invited him last Friday at the Ice House. That's fun. He killed it. You have all those medical conditions. Yeah, he puts the death in Death Squad. Do you have

a lot of brothers and sisters? Do they get anything too? No, they ain't got shit. I was the fucked up one. You're the only fucked up one. Yeah. Yeah, but do they have a cool, are they doing something cool like comedy or they have bullshit jobs probably, right?

No, my brother's doing life and my other brother dead. So exactly, you're winning. What's your first brother doing? He's got a life sentence. He's doing life. He's doing life. What did he do?

Shot a cop. Okie dokie. There you go. That's a good time for that right there. That's doing life. What did he do? Shot a cop. Okie dokie. There you go. That's a good time for that right there. That's the moment. Wait, you mean it happens the other way too? It is a weird day. Topsy-turvy.

You can shoot the cops? You don't say. Wow. You know why he shot the cop or what was going on at the time? You ever hear the story? Were you guys close? Yeah, we was close. I just had talked to him.

Yeah. You know, he wrote the song, I Fought the Law and I Won. Yeah. So, Chevy, if I'm not mistaken mistaken You just got here to Los Angeles Like two weeks ago A month ago So how's the transition going It's cool

South Central Can we talk about him going into A coma from eating pussy Yeah did that really happen Is that possible Something like that. I think you fell asleep, Chevy. Let's face it. Some of the

lotions that they use, like the kinky oils and stuff, does have a sugar content in it, so you have something there. That's how Brian gained all that weight. Just from eating so much sugar-covered pussy. Candy apple pussy. That was actually her name too.

I thought that was awesome. You are proof that stereotypes can be both relatable and funny. That was fucking awesome. It is the most stereotypical fucking one brother's dead, the other's in prison, he lives in South Central. Okay.

I would like to invite you back to the next Death Squad show next week double call in for Chevy Terrell there you go you know what let's just move on we talked to Chevy last week anything else let's fly through another one

there he goes two weeks in a row Chevy Terrell get lucky out of the bucket he's on twitter at Chevy Terrell T-E-R-R-I-L-L all one word nobody's ever He's on Twitter at Chevy Terrell. T-E-R-R-I-L-L. All one word. Nobody's ever said the word Chevy is lucky before.

Three fucking funny people in a row. This is bullshit. Well, I don't know if this person's ever been on before. Here to maybe throw a wrench in what's happening in this show. Put your hands together for Joey Wrench. So, I recently found out it's not okay to give another man a shower loofah as a gift. For my little brother's birthday this year, I gave him a shower loofah. And he's a Marine, by the way, so he's not really into exfoliating his skin. My little brother, he's a Marine. He, like, fights for our freedom.

Whereas me being the oldest son, most women refer to me as adorable. My little brother, he's a Marine. He, like, fights for our freedom. Whereas me being the oldest son, most women refer to me as adorable. I don't think that's what my father wanted in his oldest son. My little brother, he's 18. He fights in wars. You know what it's like to be constantly reminded your parents how to make a better version of you? I should have dismounted on the awkward silence. Fuck, alright guys, I'm Joey.

There he goes, Joey Wrench, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the show, Joey. Have you been on before? I have. You were? One time, yeah. How'd the last time go? Better than that, probably, right?

Hopeful. Safe to say. Safe to assume. For those of you listening to the podcast, if you're wondering what the big laugh in the middle of Joey's set was, that's when Mike did an act out that you couldn't see of him being thankful for us finally having someone bombing. Yes. Because you definitely did it. I think you

know that, right, Joey? Even you could probably admit. Oh, the horse of truth is out. Oh, yeah. I am hashtag blessed. Fucking thank God. Dude, even the because every other name was like fucking Joey Wrench. Like, you sound like a fucking

Batman henchman. This is Joey Wrench. And sound like a fucking Batman henchman. This is Joey Wrench. And then you fucking come out, you look like a Create-A-Comic. Like the default setting in a stand-up video game. We know why they don't call him Joey Hammer. Joey. Why? Why? We know why they don't call him Joey Hammer Joey Why? Good question, Jeremiah

Why, Lewis? Thanks, boys Appreciate it I mean, you know One of the things Thanks, coming This is from Danny Bob Faggot

Thanks, you I thought that was pretty good Bob Faggot I stand by that. I'm sure you do. This was the thing was that we already had a Marine go up and the fact that you didn't even address that we don't, like there wasn't a callback or anything,

that you just did your set as nothing else happened, I thought was just a little sad to me. You also came up with like your hand in your armpit, very kind of nervous energy. You weren't trying to connect with anybody in the crowd. I felt like you were saying, fuck you to everybody in the room with that attitude. Joey, how long have you been doing stand-up?

On and off for a couple years. On and off? Mostly off. Mostly off, yeah. As you all saw. I can't even fucking defend that shit. Why is it off so much do you really like it in the beginning it was off so it's like I started like

in 2010 but it was like really sporadic and then like in the last like year and a half was when I started doing it more consistently so like what were you going for in that brother what was it again what was that? I gave him a shower loofah.

I would have thought about that. So there's a couple things going on there. It's like, you know, first of all, like Louis said, I mean, your original, you know, your coming up thing, I mean, it was just very, you know, you're not really backing it. And loofahs aren't really an exfoliating thing. You know, it's more of like a scrubbing thing

which makes sense if you count that as exfoliating. Tony, in fairness, his brother might need a loofah to exfoliate his dry skin from the arid climate of Afghanistan and Iraq. Oh, that didn't come across?

Oh, I thought it was so obvious. Joey, let's talk about you. Okay. What do you do for work? Recently, I've been working for my dad's inventory company. Really? So I've just been counting shit and groceries. Your dad, Joey Greco Sr.?

Yeah. From Cheaters? Nothing? Okay. So is your real name Joey Wrench? Yeah, it's German. Like, it's not spelled like the tool. Did someone say German? Is your real name Joey Wrench? Yeah, it's German. It's not spelled like the tool.

Did someone say German? You look a little bit darker than German. What do you mix with? I mix with Filipino. Wow. You do not like Filipino. I like Joey Garbles. Yes.

Like Gerbo? Yeah, like Garbles. I like the animal. Let's go on with the show. You do what again? I've been working for my dad. He runs an inventory company. So what are you counting inventory of?

Juice. Juice. Yeah. This is getting very suspicious. Commander Wrench. We put them in the showers and we clean them with Zalufas. That's some good racist improv right there. Siegfried, I mean Joey. Joey, so

how German is your dad? Scary German? No, like pasty German. I don't know. He's mixed with Irish, so he's like red hair, pasty dude. He mostly looks Irish. What's your mom like? Totally hot. She's

born in Manila. What does she do for work? She's an envelope. His dad came into an envelope and that's when... It's a wrench into an envelope and that's when... It's a wrench in an envelope? It is the shittiest version of Clue. My mom, she works... She does inspection for a delivery company,

like a trucking company. She makes sure everything's... Derivary. She's Filipino. Yeah, delivery. Wow, interesting, Joey. So what's something exciting about you? Anything in the world?

I just got broken up with, and she broke up with me by email. Not a hotmail, right? What? It'd be awful if she had a hotmail account. Also, that's something exciting about her. Or an sbcglobal.net account. Can you imagine?

That's about the most exciting thing. Yeah, can you imagine that? Imagine if jregan at yahoo.com broke up with you. That's my dad's email. Don't email him. Oh, you cannot. You just fucked's email. Don't email him. You just fucked up. Email him.

Send him some emails. Joey, you just fucking, see, you just got broken up by email. Why do I feel like the relationship was by email, though? Where'd you meet this girl? I met her in an improv class. Oh, Jesus! That's why you're so unfunny.

Now it makes sense. You took a class. I know. And then she was like, no, and. So you guys were taking improv. How did it start? I know she initiated it. Oh, for sure.

He just got a suggestion and then zip zaps up. How did she initiate it? He had to spend $400 to meet her, so she's technically a prostitute. You got a prostitute to take an improv class. I paid for everything. Halfway through, she's like, this is the dumbest, dirtiest shit I've ever done in my life.

I've never felt so dirty in my life than taking the Second City improv class. It would be great if she broke up with him during an improv scene. I'm sorry, I just can't do this anymore. We're waffle farts. That's really the most interesting thing about you is that a girl broke up with you by email. I feel like that's your problem.

You're not going for anything interesting. Right. You're really going for... The problem is if you're aiming for an uninteresting thing, even in its best capacity, it's going to stink still. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So there's something more interesting about you than that shit. What is it, Joey?

You're doing a better Danny Tanner impression than Pat Reagan is. That is true. And inoffensive. My two favorite things. Growing up, my dad used to get mistaken for Bob Saget all the time. Did anybody call him Bob Saget? Okay.

Yeah, did they? No, they don't have homophobic Puerto Ricans in Germany. What else is there about you, Joey? Something dark. Come on, Joey. There's something in there. Something dark? Joey, look inside yourself.

Look inside yourself, Joey. Twist the wrench, Joey. Go into the depths of your soul. Good friend of the sacred, Joey. Friend of Kill Tony, Lucifer. So what is it, Joey? Let's get into it. Come on, man.

We're going to fucking discover some shit tonight. We're going to exfoliate and go deep into those pores and see what you're hiding underneath there. Yeah, man. We're about to save your life. It seems like torture right now. He's like a priest molested me via email. All right, Joey. All right, Joey.

What's the most embarrassing you've ever felt in your life? Yeah. Poop your pants. Besides this show. I know. I was like, right now it's pretty bad. Let me give you an example. You're clearly a premature ejaculator.

How does he know that about us? I mean, I can't say yes or no to that. Either way, you're going to label me as a premature ejaculator. So you might as well just tell the truth. What an unfunny, shitty, literal answer. There's only one way to do it. Prove it with my butthole right now. That's true.

Well, shit. This is the part of the show where Jeremiah bends over and we find out who's the premature child. Wow. Fuck yeah. He came. He came. Oh, there it was.

Yo, my boy Joey committed to that act out right there. That's amazing. Joey, you went for it. What else, Joey? Anything else? Like, for example, I gave you the premature ejaculator thing that worked better than your no answer. My no answer, yeah. Right. So do you have anything?

If we're going to go dark, I mean, I struggled with depression for like the last year and a half. Yeah. All right. What's the lowest moment during that? What did you do? The lowest moment? Did you cut yourself? The lowest moment? Did you cut yourself? Did I what? Did you cut yourself? I didn't cut myself. Did you take a bunch of pills

and fucking drink a bunch of alcohol? I drink myself to sleep like every night for like a year and a half. Welcome to being a fucking comic. With alcohol? That's why it doesn't sound special. Wait a second. With alcohol? No, with sleepy time tea. And it's unbelievable. My non-caffeinated chamomile. Take four of Rexone's vitamins and with sleepy time tea. And it's unbelievable.

My non-caffeinated chamomile. Take four of my son's vitamins and then drink some tea. He just plays back open mic sets of his own. Yeah. Joey Rice. Come on, man. Mike, something dark about yourself. Come on.

What are you talking about? Fucking that's all I do. You don't have to do that we we get it i mean we all know no no no when i was i'll fucking do it when i was 17 i tried get me that fucking hulk music uh you damn right i tried hanging myself in the drama school with the fucking uh rope the theater rope and i was hoping that the drama teacher would find me. And as I was dying, I would go, end scene. Wow. Wow. All right, Joey, your turn.

Yeah, yours is more entertaining than mine. I tried to hang myself last year. How'd you do that? A belt in the closet. A belt in the closet. What happened? I didn't tighten the belt enough, and it gave, and I fell on my ass. Oh, no.

You're like, I can't even do this. I mean, you know, you want to cut yourself with chicken wire and string chicken wire across something and then go on some sort of drive like a go-kart or something straight at the chicken wire and it'll behead you. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. That would not behead you

at all. His spine is very strong. It's chicken wire. Chicken wire. With a go-kart? Totally. Spine is very strong. Chicken wire. Chicken wire. With a go-kart. Yeah, totally. Totally.

You know, 20 miles an hour? Maybe 30. All right. I mean, like, we went down this depression thing, but, like, anything, like, goofy ever happen to you? You ever, you know, poop your pants or do drugs or anything? I remember if you do kill yourself, this is the most popular thing you've ever done. This is the only recorded document of your existence.

So fucking live. Now if you hang yourself with the belt and you actually nail it, we'll go back and listen to this episode and be like, dude, that guy actually did it. You know what? If only he could commit when he's on stage like he did in

real life are we telling pooper pan stories right now because because i because i got it i got a good one really yeah yeah so okay so i was doing this uh this one-nighter in arizona with dean del rey and uh i got a notification that i had an audition back in LA in the morning at like 11 a.m. So Dean and I woke up at like four in the morning to drive back. What if he kills himself during your story? Yeah, it might happen. This is going to finally push him. And I farted like while I was driving in the car while Dean was sleeping.

And I realized that I had pooped my pants. But I had to get to that audition. So I kept driving with pooped pants for like five hours and Dean still doesn't know about this. He still doesn't know about it. You're releasing it exclusively on Kill Tony right now. So he sat next to

your shitty butthole for five hours. I asked Dean how he slept and he's like, I slept horrible. I slept horrible. I slept like a baby. And by that I mean I smelled poop a little bit the whole time. I need to wash my mustache.

The way the story will go down, though, is that I once said something that made Jeremiah poop his pants on a trip. All right. Joey. Did you have a stain? Did it soak through? I mean, were you worried about that? No, it went through the boxers, but I don't think it got through the back part of the jeans. You didn't do like a moisture test?

I mean, no. That's enough. Alright. Joey. Hey, Tony. Tony, you know, that reminds me. I mean, unbelievable. Wait, what? Back off the track after. Okay. I was at church camp. Oh, boy. We were building houses in Mexico

and I took a little detour, a late night detour to shower. It was a communal shower. We were sleeping in communal beds, separate from the shower, obviously. And so I schlepped over to the shower and I was shoving stuff up my butt.

And then, don't worry about that. And then I like shit. And then I had, anyways, I shit in the communal shower and I had to spend like an hour and a half like firing hot water at the shower to melt it into the drain. And then I went to like wash the stink off, and I couldn't get the stink off no matter what I did. I was like scrubbing my hands like raw. And then I woke up, and I went to bed and woke up in the morning and just waited for anyone to be like, hey, does anybody smell that?

And no one did. My boy, Benny, right here. This could be a podcast called Talking Shit with Joey Wrench where he's so boring that all the guests talk about the time they shat themselves. This is what happens, Joey Miracles do happen I think we just found your comedy voice

You've been the best part of this show through no fault of your own All at my expense Lovely How long have you been doing comedy? He said like super off and on Like a horrible answer He doesn't really love it that much

But it is an escape momentarily from your issues right Sure yeah Yeah that's pretty much it I hate when people use comedy as an escape It is And I get the feeling you actually have a therapist right I do not You can't afford one

I know So were you like the funny kid in your group of friends growing up? No, I was quiet as a kid. You just talked to your collection of like bland sweaters. Whoa, feel the burn on that one. Whoa, talk to your sweaters. You can punch him right in the fucking face. You won't do shit.

I've never thrown a punch in my life. You're such a faggot. I know. Or delivered one. Joey. Wow. Joey. Wow. Joey, what happened to you? Why do you think you're so boring?

What happened? Your parents were always together and you probably come from a little bit of money, right? First of all, what kind of a question is why do you think you're so boring? That's a good question. That's interesting. I like that we keep calling him boring and uninteresting. He's been on stage for 27 minutes. There's a lot of people that are boring and uninteresting.

And I think they're just nice people. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, it's an interesting thing. He just had a bad set, man. It was one minute. He might be really great. Whoa, look at this. Look who the polar of hope is over here.

Look at his eyebrows. They're on fleek. I'm sure his set's probably on fleek. Wow. And with that, we're going to let you go. Joey Wrench, everybody. There he goes. We're going to move on.

Joey Wrench. Redband. I like that. The pillar of hope, Brian Redband. Come on, guys. He's just having a rough night. He's going off to be the next Verizon guy. Hold on.

I almost feel like if you weren't the funny kid in your group of friends growing up, you shouldn't do comedy. I don't know, man. Oh, yeah. I mean, absolutely. That's the one rule. You got to be funny, you know? Totally.

Absolutely. Comedy attracts the least funny human beings on earth. Oh, yeah. Sometimes, yeah. Yeah, but they shouldn't do it. They should all get the fuck out of the way. No, comedy used to be I'm funny and I want to say something, and now comedy is I wish I could play music, but I can't. I don't have a talent, so I'm doing it.

Or you can do both like Pat Reagan. Comedy is self-expression, but the problem with self-expression is that it ultimately feeds the modern capitalist consumer society that we're living in. There you go. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Self-expression is bullshit. That was a real Bob Faggot answer. There you go. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Self-expression's bullshit.

That was a real Bob Faggot answer. I pulled another name out of the bucket, and the name that I pulled out of the bucket is Eric Lampert, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Eric Lampert. Hi, guys. Yeah.

I know. I know. I sound like this, so this is gold for these guys I do sound British but I am American I married one of you no not one of you, you idiot I married a lady from Pittsburgh

lady from Pittsburgh is a bit of a juxtaposition because I've been to Pittsburgh, and there are no ladies. Like, when I go there, there's a lady. But apart from that, I'm the only one. I've met her dad. Her dad is fucking massive.

Like, he eats steel and shits bridges. That is how big he is. He is the gym, right? And he's so big, his dick probably has its own dick. His eyes have muscles. Like, it's fucking crazy and I come along and I'm like, hello, I fuck your daughter he's so fucking pissed

her whole family's fucked up I met her cousin and he has an alligator living in his basement genuinely he has an alligator living in his basement in Pittsburgh not Florida, Pittsburgh and I said to her where are his parents? and she was like, oh, taking cocaine at a Toby Keith concert. I was like, who's Toby Keith?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Jesus, there's the fucking beat. Go ahead, finish it. Who's Toby Keith? Wait, what? Guys, guys, hold on. Alright. Guys, you want to finish the joke? Who's Toby Keith? She was going to say, oh, you have so much to learn about America. Gotcha.

Eric Lampert, ladies and gentlemen. One more time for Eric. Hi, Tony. How are you? Were you on the show once before? I came here in July, yeah. Yeah. How's it going?

Great. How are you? Welcome back. That was fucking awesome. Thank you. I just imagine you do this whole show going, oh, I do hope I get my chance tonight. You and Tony look like you showed up at the same audition to play a heroin addict.

It's true. It's true. For a movie called Why the Long Face. Yeah. Absolutely. I absolutely agree. I am a methadone actor, so after all. What was that?

I said I'm a methadone actor. Oh, I see what you did there. Oh, come on, you suckers. One of those said I'm a methadone actor. Oh, I see what you did there. Oh, come on, you suckers. One of those... I'm a methadone actor. Thank you. For the record, this guy's a pro.

You can tell he's British because it's charming first and funny possibly. I like when he got upset and his voice went to some way high octave register. Yeah, it was awesome. I like your style.

Eric, where did you meet this girl? I mean, how did you meet this girl from Pittsburgh? In L.A. I had to do an advert, and then I was just here. An advert? Yeah. Oh, yeah, a commercial. Sorry.

Oh. Oh, that phone's ringing for an advert. That's Tony's mom. Yeah, I'll call you later. Wow. Wait. I don't know why I said that. I don't know why I said that.

Wait a second. Fuck. Wait a second. I shouldn't have done that. Wait a second. I'm sorry you later. Wow. I don't know why I said that. I don't know why I said that. Fuck. Wait a second. I shouldn't have done that. Wait a second. I'm sorry, Tony. I shouldn't have done that. That was silly.

That was silly of me. I'm sorry. Did you just try to sneak in a joke on my... He tried. He tried. I should have done that. The lovely Mrs. Hinchcliffe. He tried to do a joke.

It wasn't your mom. It was your dad. About the golden pony's mother. All right. Shutinchcliffe. He tried to do a joke. It wasn't your mom, it was your dad. About the golden pony's mother. Alright, shut up Jeremiah. Shut up you troublemaker. Okay. Tony's mom is so big that when she sits around the domicile

she really sits around the domicile. She's like a gym. Alright. Eric, so how did you meet this girl? You were in for an advert but how did you meet her Through playing chess Weirdly That is so fucking British

But she's like she's fucking sweet man She's like an animal trainer I'm not saying that your girlfriend's a bad person What are you saying man Jesus Eric stop trying to be funny You really do have moments of like manic unfunnyness that are terrifying to me. Yeah. I'm just so ready.

I've moved here like two months ago, so I'm always just scared that people have guns and stuff. So I'm just constantly freaking out. No, I think Tony made a good point, though. Stop trying to be funny. Because you are funny. You are funny. But when you're trying to be funny, it stops being funny. It's because last time I came on

Why are you trying to fucking touch me? Just because I You really do like Fucking Voldemort fingers Look at his fingers Oh my god They're pretty long I mean my wife doesn't complain

Jesus, ET phone home Oh wow Dude this really is like Fucking Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hack, where you'll be really charming and all of a sudden be like the shittiest 80s road comic I've ever seen in my life. Thanks, man. That means a lot. Doesn't he look like he is? There's nothing sincere about you, and it fucking bothers me.

Yeah, you seem like a real con artist. What do you want? You bully everyone that comes on. No, the seem like a real con artist. What do you want? You bully everyone that comes on. What do you do for work? No, the first three guys were great and we loved them. Eric, shut up. How do you make a living, Eric? Stand up. Alright. No, standing up

on the street asking for money. Right, I didn't say how. Come on, Eric. How do you make a living? No, that is it. Really? Back in Europe they pay their acts. The thing is, normally I do more than a minute. So then you get a feel. No, I understand. I actually did a show with him in Venice and he killed it.

I love it. Thanks, man. Okay, got it. Again, it's really basing it off a minute. You can't really. Well, I'm basing it off this interview. But that's the rule of the show. It's not about the minute.

You've been on the show for five and a half minutes now. I think Brian's taking money on the side from some of these acts. Yeah, I know. What's going on here? It's so bizarre. He acts. Yeah, I know. What's going on here? He's just fucking defending these people. What's going on here? Mr. Band of Red, here's the solving. Please help me. Hey, we did drugs together a couple weeks ago.

Oh, Patty Reagan approved. What drug? Did we? No. Oh. Oh. Eric. Eric, how long have you been in America? Two months in America. Two months. Yeah, so I came in July for like two weeks,

and I had to go back to the Edinburgh Festival. And then you were on the show then. You were about to say something. What happened last time that you were on the show? Something crazy happened, right? Oh, it was just here for like a week. Oh. Yeah.

So what have you been doing that's fun in Los Angeles, being a wacky British guy and all? I'm getting my DMV license. Your DMV license? It's a bit boring, but yeah, I've got my license. He spends a lot of time hanging out in front of stores being the wacky guy with his arms. I'm pretty long, yeah.

So is the girl in Pittsburgh, she's out here? No, she lives here. And she's an actress? No, she's an animal behaviorist. She trains cats and dogs. Whoa. Yeah, that's pretty animal behaviorist. She trains cats and dogs. There she is. Oh. Yeah.

That's pretty fucking good. That makes sense. So you met her playing chess. So what do you mean playing chess? Was it like a club or something like that? Well, through a friend and they had a chessboard and we just played chess. Wow. Well, that's the thing.

He said, stop trying so hard. And I'm telling you just truth. Yeah, try a little harder. What percentage do you want from me? 50. Not that. Oh, fuck. Okay.

Hey, Tony, doesn't he look like he's one of the rats in Ratatouille? Whoa. Oh, shit. He just took my fucking water. That was crazy. Drink it. Then drink it next time. Did you see the type of confidence he just had? water. That was crazy. Drink it. Then drink it next time. Did you see the type of confidence he just had?

Yeah. He's creepy. Like a rat in Ratatouille. Yeah. While being called a rat, he took something that didn't belong to him. And then he just brought it back. I mean, you could just take it now. Thanks, man.

There you go, Eric. Sorry. I'm surprised you don't have your own bottle of water with how much they pay you wacky British comedians over there. He needs to quench his dry wit. I'm surprised you don't have your own bottle of water with how much they pay you wacky British comedians over there. He needs to quench his dry wit. I don't hate you like Mike Lawrence does. I think you're fine.

I can tell you're confident. You got chops. Thanks, man. I just think when you try to do like character-y type stuff, it goes a little bit over the top, but I think you're funny. I thought you had a pretty good set overall. Yeah, you're cool. Like, how long you been doing it?

About eight years. Eight years. Yeah. So you're used to doing the Edinburgh system of, like, an hour a year. I'm used to doing the hours. Like, the one minutes, the three minutes in LA is weird. He also has to do the whole thing where he has to edit his set

because it's, like, a bunch of stuff that we don't know. Like, a lot of words. Oh, poppycock. The thing is, last time I came... Democracy. Yeah, baby. Pat Reagan. Democracy. Pat, you can Brexit on

that one. I'll go. Alright, Eric. Anything else? Any parting words? Anything else you want to say? say no just have a good night guys there you go Eric Lampert everybody he's on twitter at Eric Lampert

L-A-M-P-A-E-R-T what do you think we do go back to the bucket then do a regular this reminds me of a poop story I have a poop story oh Joel Jimenez you have a poop story yeah I was chaperoning. Joel Jimenez, you have a poop story?

Yeah, I was chaperoning these kids once. Wait, wait, wait. Do you tell all your stories with your eyes closed like that? That was incredible. Go ahead. Maybe. Go ahead. Keep telling the story.

I was chaperoning these kids. I was wearing... I was chaperoning these kids once. I was wearing shorts, unfortunately, the day of. And I had a bit of Jack in the Box, some beers. I was hanging out, and I farted. It was in Echo Park. And I realized that...

I'm sorry, I'm name-dropping neighborhoods. And I shit my pants. And I told the kids, I was like, I shit my pants. You guys have to call your parents to come pick you up. And one of the kids, thank you, that's exactly what it sounded like. That's my boy Redpan over there. And the kid said, no, you didn't. And I said, look.

And then I turned around and I showed him my shit. And that's the end of the story. All right, moving on. Back to you. Wow, that was terrible. Holy shit. That was incredibly bad. So really, Joel, if you think about right, moving on. Back to you, Joel. Wow, that was terrible. Holy shit. That was incredibly bad. So really, Joel, if you think about it, you're actually shat-peroning.

Whoa. Wouldn't you like the ending to that story? Like, so I turn around and I show the kid my dick. It has nothing to do with pooping his pants. That would have been awesome. More like checking the boxers. All right. Hello. All right. Hello.

All right. Let's see what happens here. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Mikey McKernan. One more time for all the comedians you guys didn't laugh at tonight. Don't you guys hate it when comedians come up here and talk about things they hate? Boo, ha, ha. My name is Mikey.

No one takes me seriously because I'm in my 30s and I still go by Mikey. People are like, why Mikey? Because it's my key to your heart. Boo. Ha. Ha. Ha. If you look like me, you got to be spiritual.

I think that's going to be it. I tried. I tried to tap into my subconscious. I found out it was self-conscious. That's exactly a minute from Mikey McKernan. Wow. I love you, Mikey. You're awesome.

Thank you. You're cool as fuck. How long have you been on stand-up? Eight years. Yeah, I could tell. That's awesome stuff. Thank you. First time here.

Yeah, exactly. I feel like we all think we're the only person that can see you right now. It's true. You're awesome. You guys only matter. You from L.A.? Rancho Cucamonga, California. That's born and raised. You still live there?

No. No, I've been out in LA for 10 years now. I feel like all of your fingers smell like different liberal arts majors. Never been to college. Yeah, we know. I feel like you have to leave in five minutes to be a

nude model somewhere. No, I'm on call though. Yeah, I thought your presence was really good. You came out very strong. I like the fact that you brought the fucking dumb recording. I was going to turn it off, but then I was like, no, let me not be a dick. You should have hit record. You didn't even hit record on it.

This is a live podcast on video and audio. I love that you have a catch phrase before you have a fan base. I think that's amazing. The only thing I didn't like, I didn'tase before you have a fan base. I think that's amazing. Huge. It's the only thing I didn't like. I didn't like the catchphrase.

Me either. It's true. It's true. He hates that. Take that, Lewis! I fucking hate it. Yeah. All my friends, they're like, you have to do that on stage.

Yeah. I prefer your earlier work when you did parody songs with the accordion but it uh that's just the problem is you can't like that i mean you did it like four times in a minute dude if you if you're headlining a set and you're eight years i mean at this point you gotta start thinking about doing longer sets i'm assuming you're featuring at the very least you can't i mean that would i mean i would fucking throw a glass at the stage already into that of that. People already ruin it every year. Even Hamburger knows when not to say Hamburger. That's right.

And also, what about... He's Soyburger. Soyburger. You kind of look like the dude from that show on Comedy Central. Workaholics. They portray from the town of Rancho Cucamonga. Oh, shit. Whoa.

My father was very upset. Loosely based on you, however you... He also looks like if the dog from Never Ending Story was a drug dealer. Wow. I'm glad these ideas are recorded. But that's the thing, I almost feel like you gotta change up the look a little

bit because you're not gonna get casted for anything with that. You just look like the alternative to that dude. So, Mikey, what is any career highlights so far? Eight years of doing stand-up, coolest thing you've done? He's done a lot of TV appearances, actually. We know Mikey. We know Mikey.

We love Mikey. Oh, there you go. Bouched. With stand-up? What? I mean, probably nothing, really. What do you do for a living? How do you make your money?

Wait tables. Where at? Bubba Dumps at Universal Shitty. Are you fucking serious? Really? I'm a Landers Club member. They have Lieutenant Dan waiting tables at the Bubba Gumps at Universal Shitty. That was a Halloween costume.

He goes, welcome to Bubba Gump. That's free. How long have you been welcome to Bubba Gump. That's free. How long have you been working at Bubba Gump's? I've been there for over nine years. Oh, fuck. Wow. Now that deserves a boo. He's been there since Forrest Gump came out.

Yeah. So you were working there before he started doing stand-up comedy? Yeah, like right before I was. That's crazy. Do they make you dress like Lieutenant Dan? No. Only on Halloween. You never just roll up in a wheelchair with your...

I did dress up as Lieutenant. Just on your knees for shits and giggles? I did. For Halloween, I dressed up as Lieutenant Dan, and they gave me shit because I had legs. Cut your legs off if you really care. Give us some Forrest Gump trivia. All right.

Yeah. Oh, God. What kind of drugs do we see Jenny take? We see her take actually two drugs in the movie. You guys answer. It was some kind of powder. Cocaine and ecstasy. Cocaine is one of them. And answer. It was some kind of powder. Cocaine and ecstasy.

Cocaine is one of them things. And weed. And heroin. Think 60s. Heroin. Acid. Acid. Now, when she was feeling suicidal, what was she on?

A ledge? Wait. That's it. Wait. Oh. Hold on just a second. This is what you tell the Midwestern families? Let me go get my manager.

You have any other ones? Trivia or jokes? Fuck it. Trivia. Trivia. Sally Field plays two characters in the movie can you name them Forest Mom

that's one so small of a character you wouldn't realize it do you want me to tell you if this is a joke I'm going to punch you it's not a joke no she plays interviewing when he's running

across America, like the first interview to ask him a question. Wow. Oh, wow. Yeah. I didn't realize. They fucking love it. They fucking love the underground.

They imploded like he just did an ice skating rink. Yeah, it's the music. Mikey, how's your love life? I've been with a girl for almost four years. Wow. I met her at Bubba Gump's. Are you serious? Wow. I met her at Bubba Gump's. Are you serious? I love

you. You smell like barbecue shrimp. Her name's not Jenny. Was she walking there? Everybody tried to sit next to her and said, say it's taken. No, but I did train her. Her pussy tastes like garlic shrimp, shrimp scampi, barbecue shrimp.

So, wait. Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away. That's dear God. Make me a bird so I can fly far, far away. Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away. Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away. I got eight, Boris. I got eight.

The mystical aura of Mike Lawrence and Louis J. Gomez. I don't know what it is, but... I mean, we did have Bubba on stage earlier tonight. So much fun. Are you trying to give us fucking merch, you fucking L.A. hack? Shut up. I'll take his merch. Don't do it.

Thanks, dude. I have a sticker that says, Mike and McCurran is not funny. For those, anybody who didn't laugh, you can have one. And those stickers are everywhere. How long a set do you have? Like, do you have a... What are you comfortable with?

I can probably... 10 minutes right now. 10 minutes? Eight years for 10 minutes? No, I can do 30, but right now... We're talking about just Forrest Gump riddles. Oh, Forrest Gump. How long in just Forrest Gump riddles? That's itrest Gump. How long in just Forrest Gump riddles?

That's it. I don't want to go farther than I've already done tonight. I would like to invite you to the Death Squad studio next time. I'd appreciate it. There you go. Thank you, Red Band. Thank you. Yeah, Mikey McKernan, ladies and gentlemen.

He's on Twitter at Mikey McKernan. M-C-K-E-R-N-A-N. We have a regular that goes up every single week. We'll get our regular up and then go to the bucket one last time after that. Put your hands together for Ali Makovsky, everybody. Woo! Yeah! Whoa, what a surprise. This is an honor.

What a treat. I was with this guy the other night, and he told me I had the body of a 16th century painting. the other night and he told me I had the body of a 16th century painting. I realize that I don't have to have sex with a guy to become clingy. I can just become clingy. He can tell me I have the body of a 16th century painting and I'll stick with it. So I like giving, I don't like it, but I think mouths are convenient pussies. That's, because, okay, so like the first thing I say to a guy when we're hooking up, I'm like, just come in my mouth. Because it's just an easy cleanup.

Okay, here's my infomercial for mouths. It's convenient. It's a convenient pussy. You can make it as tight as you want. I think there should be... Okay. Anything else? Was there anything more you wanted to add to it?

Are you good? You know, I don't think it would have gone better. There you go, Ali Makovsky. She writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. That's not in the bucket. You can't write great jokes

and coordinate apparel with the band, you know? It's one or the other. I mean, that is very impressive. All I can say after that set is Michelle. Yeah. I don't think this is

the first time I've ever seen anyone dressed as an oven mitt before on stage. Wow, you really are wearing a fucking full house shirt. I didn't even notice that. You should have a little plastic scraper at the bottom of your tail to do windshields for cars when it's snowing. Do you guys get what I'm saying? Yeah. Homeless. And then the jacket.

No, the glove. It's like that material glove. It's piling on Tony's joke, but it's doing a much less elegant job, but I think it's a funnier idea. Well, at least you're not just dragging it on by over-explaining it, taking up time that could be fixed, rebuilding the momentum of the show. And then, of course, if you talked over the host while doing that

after he was acknowledging it at the exact same time to just plow whatever you needed to get in there. Exactly. A sheep died for this outfit. Did you pay for that? What is that? I love you, Allie. You know I love you.

That might be the fucking ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life. I mean, truly. She tore the insulation out of her attic. Yeah, it's exactly what it looks like. Some of it was like mildewy, and she made the collar out of the mildewy insulation. You know, I've been getting a lot of compliments on this. That's because people want to be nice. Everybody wants to be this nice thing nowadays, and it's fucking up society.

If I got a Dennis Rodman nose bull ring, I'd probably rake in compliments. Oh, Pat, so cool. You wear it well. Because people lie to your face. People are going to say that. You know, it's real comfy. Did you pay for it? Yeah, I paid for it.

It was at Urban Outfitters. It wasn't at the Revenant gift shop? I didn't know. It wasn't at the Revenant gift shop? No. I didn't pay. It looks like you're inside of a bear right now. Also, it's really like I didn't wear a bra to work today. Yeah. Okay. Awesome.

That's a way to win everybody back over. Wait. Cut it out. Awesome. Just in case you want to know there was only men up here. Allie, keep going. Allie, please keep going. If you don't keep answering, they're going to keep doing that.

I love that you're dressed like a Marie Sendak character. Marie Sendak, if you don't know, wrote Alice in Wonderland. Somebody just fact-checked and said no. I know. I know. That's a test. That was a test. Obviously.

Do you understand? You know what's funny about ironic humor? It's like people don't get that you're being ironic people don't get you're being dumb on purpose and i'm being dumb on purpose like all the time and people like you're stupid i'm like no you're stupid right but then sometimes what's interesting though that should be acknowledged is that sometimes you're not dumb on purpose and you actually put together really thought out stuff, and it's well executed. Not me.

So sometimes you're dumb on purpose, and sometimes you're not dumb on purpose. So I think people get confused. That's why. Can we get back to the boobs and the shirt? Was there anything more to that, Allie? Was that it? You wore no bra? Was that the end of that thing?

I didn't wear a bra. This is a great jacket to wear if you want to cover up your tits at work so your boss doesn't fire you. Where do you work again? I just work at a restaurant. You wore that at a restaurant? No, I brought this in my bag. If my waitress came up to me in that dirty fucking piece of garbage. A lot of people.

I would be on Yelp immediately writing bad reviews. I'd be like, look, I know I'm eating at Bubba Gump right now, but can I please have that Vietnam vet as my waiter instead of whatever the fuck. I mean, where did you really

be honest? Where the fuck did you get that? I got it from Urban Outfitters. How much was that? I don't want to talk about that. It's the worst thing ever. I don't care if it was... You look like the popcorn that's on the floor of a movie theater.

You look like you eat the popcorn that's on the floor of the movie theater. That's the noise that happens when somebody takes a shot at Great Roasters, by the way. Oh, that's right. I stick it right in my convenient pussy. All right. Ali Makovsky, you did it again. Another fun set.

What did we learn tonight? It's that no matter how big of a rock star you are, sometimes the wrong jacket is the wrong jacket. I don't care if it was Mike Tyson, The Rock. i don't care if it was if it was mike tyson the rock i don't care who it was if they were wearing that jacket i'd have to lay into that shit you went to urban i love how bothered she was by it i've heard ally reveal so many unbelievably personal things you know and i asked her how much she paid for that jacket she's like let's not go there yeah i i saw her with that jacket on the other day, and I actually came up, and I touched it. I was like, oh, this is a cool jacket.

Of course. It was based on just how comfortable it was. Resident fashionista Brian Redband, who believes in sweatpants over life. We're going to Sketch Fest San Francisco. Kill Tony is going to be there. We're also going to a bunch of other places. Wednesday, we have a secret show. Stand-up comedy.

And guess what else, people? Guess who else is in town for the next couple days? Roast Battle champion Mike Lawrence. Louis J. Gomez. What else is going on, guys? Promote yourselves. Why don't you mention that thingamajigger that you get to do coming up, Mike? Yeah, I'm opening for Louis C.K. at Madison Square Garden.

At Madison Square Garden at Madison Square Garden you motherfuckers where is Jay Gomez host the Legion of skanks so many other great things what else when is this coming out half of it right now the other half in a

couple weeks okay all right so I mean like Providence Rhode Island December 9th and 10th comedy Comedy Connection. January 14th, Legion of Skanks presents myself, Dave Smith, plus Joe List, who's one of the fucking best comics in the country. Detroit Hustler Club. So it's titties and comedy.

Come out for that. Right, boys? Come on. And that's it, man. GomezComedy.com. Look at the drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt, ladies and gentlemen. RyanJEbelt.com for your comedy store

Kill Tony prints. The official Kill Tony poster available at RyanJEbelt.com. He did it again. That's a fucking amazing one. Pat Ragan's Patty Ragan. I want to announce that I'm opening for Mike Lawrence at Madison Square Garden. Jeremiah Watkins at Jeremiah's stand-up.

Reach out to me on social media. I had a filter. Reach out to me, please. I'm so lonely. I had a filter on my Twitter that I didn't see a lot of the tweets, and then I turned it off, and then I missed a lot of tweets. So reach back out to me. I feel sorry.

I've been plugging it for months, and then I'm like, why aren't nobody hitting me up? And I had a weird filter on. You know, you just reach out at Jeremiah stand up on all social media remember before that plug when you used to respect Jeremiah everybody please reach out to me I wasn't able to see

what you were saying Jesus I'm mostly sorry Joel Jimenez man Tony does get the last word man yes I do Tonyinchcliff.com I have a couple podcasts i talk about pro wrestling with my buddies on the store horseman i'm debuting right now just went up my my conversational podcast called the pony hour so that just came out i talked to brendan shob on episode one

about fear life and fighting uh Thank you so much, everybody. See ya. Bye-bye. Thanks, live audience. Good night. Good night. When the pigs try to get at you Park it like it's hot Park it like it's hot Come Mr. DJ, songpond to replay Come Mr. DJ, won't you turn the music up? I'll let you out on the dance floor

Wantin' some more what? Come Mr. DJ, won't you turn the music up? Hey mister, please Mr. DJ Tell me if you hear me Turn the music up She take my money She take my money When I'm in need

When I'm in need Yeah, she's a trifling friend indeed. Friend indeed. Oh, she's a gold digger. Way over town. Way over town. That digs on me. Hey!

Hey! you you