KILL TONY - KILL TONY #189

Episode Date: January 3, 2017

Steve Simeone, Jayson Thibault, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Ali Macofsky, Vanessa Johnston, Pat Regan, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 12/26/2016 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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We're bringing Kill Tony up there, so get ready for that. We also have a Death Squad show this Wednesday, January 4th, 2017. We have a secret show at the Comedy Store. It's the big secret show that we have once a month. This month we have a crazy show. We have Big Jay Oakerson. We have Nick Swartzen. Steve-O from Jackass. Tiffany Haddish.

Chris D'Elia. Tony Hinchcliffe. Ashley Barnhill. Dean Delray. Camelia Cleese. John Cleese's daughter. Aiko Tanaka. It's going to be a lot of fun.

That's this Wednesday, January 4th at the Comedy Store. It usually sells out. We also have some secret guests. That's why it's called The Secret Show. And then every first and third Friday, we have a secret show at the Ice House. This is more of like our training ground. We have like about 12 comics, and we're all just trying new material out. It's a lot of fun to see that.

Of course, that's the Ice House every first and third Friday of the month. You can find everything at death squad.tv uh you can also check out our videos we have video portions to all these different podcasts that we do uh you just click on videos there at death squad don't forget tony hinchcliffe has a website tonyhinchcliffe.com there he has his tour dates he has a bunch of tour dates it's gonna be in dallas san antonio corpus christi rhode Island, Canada, Chicago. It's going to be everywhere. So check him out, TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode and he made the Kill Tony poster. He also sells prints to all of the shows. You can find him at RyanJEbelt.com.

Don't forget to subscribe to us on iTunes. Just search for kill Tony and hit subscribe. Don't forget to rate and review the show or as you subscribe to death squad on iTunes and there you get everything we do here. All right, guys, here's a brand new episode of kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live

from the world-famous Comedy Store for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony, volume four. Give it up for Tony Hensclare. Hi, everybody. Hi.

It's like a real live show. I'm excited about this. Merry Christmas, everyone. Make some noise. Yeah. Some real noise Brian Redband's here What's up? Everybody's here

Except for like a lot of people are not here Yeah Ryan J. Ebel's not here Maybe he's drawing this episode from live We're live streaming right now Yeah So what's up everybody? Merry Christmas

That's cool Jamie Vernon on the HD camera. He showed me virtual reality the other day. Isn't that awesome? I killed zombies. 360 degrees just shooting zombies. It was fucking unbelievable. Wait till you do the porn.

Oh, there's some of that wacky Brian humor. That's the first joke of the night. There you go. It's an upgrade in porn. Wait till you do the porn. It's the next magazine. You know how it was like magazine then VHS? Creepy. All right. That's enough. So you go. It's an upgrade in porn. Wait till you do the porn video. You know how it was like magazine, then VHS? Creepy.

All right. That's enough. So what do you guys think? Should we bring up the guests? Well, we should talk about where we're at. Oh, yeah. We're doing this show that you're at, ladies and gentlemen, in its home club. This is episode 189.

You're watching it here. It's the number one live comedy podcast in the world at the comedy store on a monday um and uh it's a lot of fun so much so that we get to do the best comedy festivals in the country we're doing sketch fest in san francisco january 20 something yeah we're also doing moon tower this year in Austin, Texas, which is a big deal. But that's not until June or something. November 2000. Yeah, we're doing 420.

We're going to be at that one, the Moon Tower Festival. Yep. Yeah, that's right. And we're doing Sketch Fest January 21st. That's a really big deal. San Francisco. So for those of you listening to the podcast, San Francisco, January 21st, if you're near that area. Live audience, sorry we have to do that.

But like I said earlier, this is the number one live comedy podcast in the world. And other people are listening to it other places. So, all right. More people. Just not going to break at that at all, huh? Many more people than are in this room enjoy this show. You just so happen to be rotating guinea pigs that come in and out. You mean less than

nothing to us. You understand? Just to let you know what I really think of you. Just kidding. I'm glad you guys are here. We're going to have fun tonight. You guys excited? Let's bring out our guests. We got to just do that. I think we should just do plugs

in your part where you're like, hey, welcome to Death Squad when you do that normal calm guy thing. Don't you hate that voice? Oh, I hate it. Hey, thanks for listening to another episode of Kill Tony. Just want to tell you some of the cool things we have going on. I listened the other day. It lasted like three minutes of you just like, I also have

a new t-shirt. That's right. I'm wearing it right now. I know. I'm excited about it. I just got a new t-shirt. That's right. I'm wearing it right now. I have like 10 t-shirts. I know. I'm excited about it. I just got a new one. Yeah. All right. So let's fucking do it.

We're going to have fun. As always, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world is my guess. That never changes. So put your hands together for two of my favorites. It's Steve Simone and Jason Tebow. Two guys with brand new comedy albums. Steve's just came out. Jason's comes out January, second week of January.

January 14th. 14th. I fucking love it. Welcome to the show, guys. Hi, guys. You guys have both done it before. I'm excited about this. The lights seem to be pointed a fun way, a little bit different or something than usual.

I'm cool with it. Welcome back. Merry Christmas. Did you guys do anything fun for Christmas? I saw Star Wars. How was that? Good, right? Everyone said it was so great. I had it up here and then I was like it was okay.

I would say it's okay and then you'll go love it. I'll say it's okay and then you'll go love it. If everyone said it was okay, I would have loved it. Ooh, there you go. Did you like it better than the last one? So it's just good. Did you?

I haven't seen it. Oh, that surprises me. I liked it better than the last one. Oh, then that's pretty good. Yeah. B minus. There it is. B minus, Star Wars.

Suck it. Have you seen it, Steve? Not yet, no. This is an interesting one because they're not really shoving it down everybody's throats that there's a new Star Wars. They're taking a different approach to this. They're just sort of like, yeah, there's a new Star Wars out. Maybe you'll go see it. Maybe you won't.

We don't really care. We're just Disney. We're not going to. It's like the J.J. Abrams one. They're like. There is a baby jar jar binks in it no yeah no stop it it's like a muppet baby oh he's he's really binks i love it let's bring up the band everybody loves the kill tony band we're one of the only shows in the belly room

that have a live band that plays with it. This week's fun because we're missing a limb with Jeremiah Watkins in Kansas. Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you tonight's Kill Tony band. It's Pat Reagan and Joel Jimenez, everybody. Yeah, Red Band. Well done, Brian.

I think I know what's happening. Well done, Brian. I think I know what's happening. Wow. Well done. An amazing George Michael tribute. From the band. Yeah.

I always love the fact that you's, like, you guys have, like, very limited props always, you know? Like, you can't invest a lot of money into it or anything like that. But what's funny to me is, like, the wigs that you guys re-wear for different characters. Like, your George Michael wig is just your Hillary Clinton wig backwards. There are only two wigs backwards. I know from working with you so often.

Backwards. But it's just a backwards Hillary. Yeah There are only two wigs backwards. I know from working with you so often. Backwards. It's just a backwards Hillary. Only have two wigs. Were you a, were you guys big, you're the musicians of the group here, were you guys big George Michael fans? No, I don't get it.

I don't get all the outpouring of love. You're young. And I'm just saying that I like, I've never, I never really connected with his music. So I was just surprised that everyone came out and was like, oh, I've loved George Michael so much. To me, but good, you know, RIP. How old are you?

I'm 39. 39? Yeah. You're young. Oh, okay. Yeah. It surprised me. Yeah.

You're old enough to know how great he was. I have gray pubic hairs. All right. It was my second record. Do you? It was my second record. I remember just fucking- You loved him, right?

Oh, yeah. Playing that over and over and over. Were you upset he died? Of course I was. Me too. Yeah. This whole year sucks so bad. I'm just waiting for two more before this week.

You know, you and I grew up the same generation. Like, everybody that you and I had posters of, like, if I was like Cyndi Lauper or like Boy George, I would go in hiding for the next six days. Anyway, our friend Jeremiah Watkins, who's not with us tonight, plays Careless Whisper regularly on the show. I think we got somebody on the phone. Really? What? Is that true? If it's George Michael, I'm out.

Hello? Is somebody there? Hello, this is Jeremiah Watkins. Wow, look at that! Live from Kansas City, Kansas. Hey, I have a phone to pick with Pat Reagan. He just said he's not a George Michael fan. Thank you!

Thank you. Wow, that's your buddy who defends you all the time. I sensed it all the way from Kansas, and I am pissed right now. You just picked that up with your senses? Wow. Yeah. Well, there's also... Okay, we're live streaming if you don't want to use your senses.

We're at DeathSquad.TV, but anyway. Go ahead. Yes, Jeremiah, continue with this thing. Did we lose you? We could set this bit up longer but keep talking. Hold on. Wait. Jeremiah. Can you hear me?

Yes, very clearly. Okay. Perfect. Tony, I'm an emotional wreck today go ahead yes the reason why I'm not there

tonight I couldn't make it is because I'm right now attending George Michael's funeral wow already happened today huh the funeral happened today Wow and you're there I thought you were in Kansas

I am in Kansas They flew the cadaver over here Cadaver They flew the cadaver Look at the dead raccoon Wow I can't believe They skinned him and threw him on a plane

Man I can't believe they could be so careless with George Michael's corpse. Careless whisper. Yeah, that's why I said that, Jason. Jeremiah, did you call for any other reason? Yeah, I did. Thank you. This is going to be hard for me. I don't have the emotional strength to play my saxophone.

That's all right. I would like to do an acapella version of Careless Whisper if the Kill Tony audience would let me. Yeah, what do you guys think? Kill Tony audience? Do you want to hear Jeremiah sing? There was totally a moment where they weren't going to go with it, by the way, just to let you know.

I could feel the room completely. They were going to leave you cold, but Pat hyped them up. Go ahead, Jeremiah. Let's hear it. Acapella version of Careless Whisper. Please fucking do whatever you want to do. Alright, here we go. I'm never

gonna dance again. Guilty feet have gotten already found But it's easy to pretend I know you're not a fool I should've known better than to be your friend And waste the chance that I've been given Oh, God. You got it. You got it. Wow. Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. There you go. What did we learn here tonight?

What did we learn? Many things. One is definitely that Tony gives his friends too much creative freedom. I trust them with everything. Most of the time, it works continuously. That was another time, I guess, in the end there. Oh, we hung up on him. There he goes, Jeremiah Watkins,

live from Kansas. Goodbye, Jeremiah. That was hilarious. Two minutes too long, but hilarious. I feel like the wrong guy died. Burn. You know, Tony, I'd actually like to sing an acapella version of Wake Me Up Before You Go Go. No.

No, no. Let's just do it. Let's start the show, guys. You guys ready to do this? The show hasn't even started. I know. Sounds crazy. Maybe you haven't been here before.

This is a show where, believe it or not, a lot of fucking people sign up randomly out on the front patio. A lot of comedians, just crazy people that just want to go on stage and show off a talent for a minute. And then get interviewed afterwards by me and my funny friends. This is Kill Tony. You guys ready to start the show or what? Oh, yeah. I'm going to pull a name out of a bucket. Pretty much anybody can come up here

if they signed up earlier. If I call your name, that means you get 60 seconds. You know your 60 seconds is up and you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then or I'm sure going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. Oh, shit. It sounds angry tonight.

And yes, we got another call from Jeremiah Watkins. This can't be bad. I sent that all the way from Kansas. I got to go, guys. Oh, you got to go? Really? Oh, are we keeping you from something? He called to say he has to go.

Saying your name a bunch of times? Okay. Bye, Jeremiah. Love you, Jeremiah. You guys ready for this shit or what? I'm going to the bucket. This is where the show... I love it. So much fun.

Alright, this looks like a new name. We're gonna get to see 60 Seconds. We're gonna get to meet for the first time I love it. So much fun. All right. This looks like a new name. We're going to get to see 60 seconds. We're going to get to meet for the first time someone named Mia Sirace, everybody. Here we go. So I know your name's not Mia Sirace. It's Mia Sirace. Mia Sirace is an anagram for I am Caesar.

How many times did you sign up tonight? Just once. Okay. As Mia Sirace. All right, cool. All right. I am Caesar. There he is, Mia Sirace, everybody.

Guys, I'm really upset about a lot of the hip-hop music that's on the radio these days. I don't know about you guys. It sounds like as if a five-year-old is just writing all of the fucking lyrics for somebody, and they just put it on a really tight beat, and everybody goes crazy, right? Have you guys heard this shit? Like, it's really easy. I'll do a real quick example.

It's real easy. Look. I am a nice fella. Look at foe. A Cinderella. Gotta go and get her. Bibbity-bobbity-boo. Bitch, I was looking for you. It's real easy Look I am a nice fella Looking for a Cinderella Gotta go and get her Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo Bitch, I was looking for you

Here is your shoe Bitch, I'm looking for you Here is your shoe Cinderella Cinderella Cinderella Cinderella Cinderella

Cinderella And it's that easy, right? Watch I be sending her kisses I be sending Watch. I be sending her kisses. I be sending her flowers. I be sending her dick pics. Cindy, send her my tower. Hey, Cinderella, Cinderella, Cinderella.

If anybody wants to help me shoot this, I got lyrics and I got the song. Thank you. Boom. Mia Sirace. Mia Sirace. How's it going, man? Pretty good. Thank you. Cool. Mia Sirace. Mia Sirace. How's it going, man? Pretty good. Thank you.

Cool. Classic closer. If anybody wants to help me shoot this. Do you mean that? Are you looking for someone to help you shoot it? Yeah, absolutely. I got the script written and I put it. You should put that in the act.

No, well, no. But I do have the song on a song. I have a friend who's a dope producer. I was like, hey, man, let me put my shitty-ass lyrics on your song. And he's like, cool. And we recorded it like three weeks ago. Wow. There you go.

Oh, a little bit of Oregon. Your friend's a dope producer. You mean he makes drugs? There you go. And, a little bit of Oregon. Your friend's a dope producer. You mean he makes drugs? There you go. And there you have it. Shout out to Brian Poehler. That's fun. What do you do for work?

I'm a bartender. Where at? One of the places I was at just got shut down. It was Loteria on the Promenade, RIP. Why? I also work at the Arsenal on Pico. Why did it get shut down? Bad management, shitty ownership. They're like, you gotta see. Cock.P. I also work at the Arsenal on Pico. Why did it get shut down? Bad management, shitty ownership.

They're like, you gotta see. Cockroaches. Sorry, cucarachas. Yeah. Gotta see. Santa Monica Promenade? Yeah. That was fun.

Anything crazy ever happen there? You bartend for a long time? Just a couple of years. There? Like a year there, yeah. They told us on Saturday that they were closing on Sunday, and that was like three weeks ago. Yeah, that makes sense.

Now we have two jobs. That's what happens when you get a C. It's like, we're closing tomorrow. So, Mia Sirace. It is an anagram for I am Caesar. I thought about this for five minutes. That's cool. Sorry. Oh, cool. Sorry.

Oh, wow. So, all right. Well, what else in life? How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years in October. What do you do for fun? I don't know. I like to turn up.

I have a girlfriend. I spend a lot of time with her. You go to the movies and shit. I have a girlfriend. I don a lot of time with her. I like to turn up. I have a girlfriend. I don't know. I beatbox. That's the phrase of the night right there.

I like to turn up. I have a girlfriend. I have to turn up with my girlfriend. How long have you two been together? About a year. Actually, I met her at Loteria. And then after a month, we started dating. That was the name of the bar you bar yeah shut down yeah didn't work out in their odds I met her at La Cucaracha and then so you met her and what ethnicity are you? I'm Dominican. And what ethnicity is she? She's from Montana.

Wow. Holy shit. So you guys have been together a year? You met her parents yet? Through like FaceTime. Whoa. Is there a filter that you put on to look whiter on the FaceTime? Have they made that yet?

Have they made the black boyfriend FaceTime filter? There's gotta be. That's a fucking good idea, by the way. Can you talk to some tech people tomorrow and we'll split it or something? Turn up the contrast. Let's fucking sell that shit. Black boyfriend FaceTime.

So I want you to meet Tyrone. He looks good to me, sweetheart. Just gonna go back to my Montana business now. Are you checking your fantasy scores right now? me, sweetheart. Just going to go back to my Montana business now. Are you checking your fantasy scores right now? No, bro. Hey, no questions for the guests.

You had a good set, bro. Thank you. I'm almost losing. All right, so fuck yeah. Anything else? Any other fun? Do you have any special skills or talents? You skydive or anything like that? No i beatbox uh yeah i don't know how often do you get to do that uh you know why

do you and more importantly why do you have okay forget it what he was gonna play the organ i'm like he just pulled out his organ for a second when he said beatbox i could be like pretending like he had something great. I'm like, an organ? What are you about to do? If you play the organ, I can beatbox on it. I played an organ at my Grammy. According to Brian, nothing goes better with beatboxing than a good old...

Oh, wow. Okay. This is one of the worst episodes of this show of all time. I'm just going to come out and say it. I've been sitting on it for about 15 minutes just to let you guys know. If you're like, well, this is sort of weird and sucks, it's because it does.

Trying to dial it back in by calling it out and it's actually working. There you go. Thank you. Fuck yeah. All right. Well, Mia Sirace, it was nice to see you again. We'll see you again soon. There he goes, Mia Sirace, it was nice to see you again. We'll see you again soon. There he goes, Mia Sirace.

Good job, buddy. Flying through, baby. On to the next one. On to the next one. By the way, I don't think I ever really should have ever had to say this, and it is the first time I'm saying it in 189 episodes, but comedians or brand-new entertainers, if you ever notice that there's a buzz in the room audibly when you're

listening, which you should be, uh, like, and performing, then it's you, it's you. And it's the way that you hold the microphone,

your mic and move your hand or do something because it's not our microphones because we're professionals. So it wouldn't, even if it was, even if our microphone buzzed, we would do a shake and move our hand to make it not buzz. So if you guys hear it, it's you. Make an adjustment. Just do a little shake of the microphone. It's happened enough times to where I'm like...

Because the buzz you hear is not industry talking about you. It was terrible but great at the same time. Alright. This looks like another new name. Put your hands together for John Joroff. How'd it start? Alright So it's my, I just made it to Hollywood for the first time And like many new people, you know, I asked one of the locals

Got any suggestions? You got any recommendations? You know what he told me? He said, well, there's drugs. Well, there's drugs. He said that shit like he was telling me a landmark or something. Like I can just imagine how bad he is at giving directions. Oh, where are you trying to go? All right, all right.

You're going to start off on weed, right? Then you're going to make a right on shrooms. Now, it's going to seem like you're on shrooms for quite some time but just power through it you're gonna be fine all right now you're gonna run into pills you're gonna run into coke but if you're running the heroin turn around you have gone too far oh how much more time is that four more more seconds. You got it, man. That's John Joroff. Cool as fuck.

That was great. I like everything about you, John. Nice to meet you. You seem like a badass motherfucker. Where are you from? Detroit. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, it's one of those things.

That's awesome. How long have you been visiting? I've been in Cali for just a year now. Oh's awesome. How long have you been visiting? I've been in Cali for just a year now. Oh, yeah. I could feel like I could still feel you have some spirit to you. So I knew

you were either visiting or you haven't been there that long or somehow you're just able to maintain that. Do you meditate? Yeah, actually I do. I can tell. That's how cool I am. I can tell when people meditate. It keeps your freshness. What kind of meditation? Do you have an app or do you?

Whatever's on YouTube, man. I'm a YouTube meditator. YouTube's a useful resource. Oh yeah. I use it for various things. I meditate on YouTube too. I really don't. Actually, I meditate on YouTube, too. I really don't.

Actually, I meditate on Worldstar. That's what I like to do. When you meditate on you porn, you've been in L.A. too long. It's levels. That's awesome. You have a really cool look. You live over in the east side? Nope.

San Diego right now. San Diego. Oh, shit. You look like your dad's named Cornelius. Glasses real? Yes. All right. I picture that Cornelius thing too.

Cornelius, a professor. You know what I mean? Is he a professor? No. Teacher? No, no. Engineer. Engineer. Really? Yeah, yeah. What know what I mean? Is he a professor? No. Teacher? No. Engineer. Engineer. Really? Yeah, yeah. What does your mother do?

She's a retired teacher. Coast guard. Coast guard? Coast guard. Oh, I thought for sure you said coast guard. So reverse military, like your mom beat your dad in arm wrestling. There you go. Like coast guard and like nerd. Like, oh, lady wrestling. There you go. Like Coast Guard and nerd.

Like, oh, lady, you got me again. How about you, John? What do you do for work? I'm in retail. I'm shift lead at Walgreens. There you go. How old are you, sir? I'm 34.

Okay. How long have you been doing comedy? You outlived Jesus. Six years. Okay. All right. Yeah. What did you say? Jesus only lived to be Six years. Okay. All right. Yeah.

What did you say? Jesus only lived to be 33 before they chopped his head off and built it and put it on the internet. Did you hear about this? Yeah, I heard about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait a second. That would really change some written history. The old beheading of Jesus.

I believe you're right. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. Wow. The shift. Did you say shift manager? Yeah, you're right. Yeah. Wow, the shift. Did you say shift manager? Yeah, yeah. What does that entail?

What's the worst part of your day job? What's the worst thing you have to do as a comic going to do this shit job where you walk in and you go like, fuck, now I got to tell Dave he's a fucking it up. Yeah, what is it that you hate about Walgreens the most? Like I used to work at Starbucks, like, a long time ago, and I can tell you they made me wear a baseball cap and a green apron, and I didn't like it one bit. It ate up my fucking soul every second. It brings out my eyes more.

All right, that impression has never worked on this show. Six years, man. So what is it about Walgreens? Yeah, yeah, worst part. This is pretty laid back, actually. They tell people there's nothing funny about it. I don't know. No, I'm saying the worst part about your job, like what do you hate to have to do? I hate my coworkers.

Why do you hate them? You have to make their schedules, too, because you're the shift leader. You would think that by the title, but it's very misleading. You don't really, you're not that much of a leader at all. I'm like the front man for the people that should get the blame. Oh, yeah, you're sick of telling Mexicans what to do. We understand what you're saying here. What's the city location of your Walgreens?

San Diego. Oh, San Diego Walgreens. You guys don't have the long receipts like CVS, do you? Oh, yeah. Why does CVS and you guys both have the long receipts? Why only pharmacies have to do that? You're right. You really do get the blame for everything in your position.

Question for you, John. What's up with your receipts that you're making us all carry around? No other stores do this. I'm going to have to talk to my manager, and I'll get back to you. Is it for Band-aid reasons? Like it's more times that they can cut their fingers Or something like that Oh my god, you're out of control

Alright, back to the soundboard for you Does Walgreens have a soul? That's deep, man They quit selling cigarettes, correct? CVS Walgreens still sells cigarettes? Do they ever Represent American spirit They quit selling cigarettes, correct? CVS. That's CVS. Walgreens. Walgreens still sells cigarettes? You'll get mad money.

Do they ever. Represent American spirit. I always thought that was weird that pharmacies also sold alcohol and cigarettes. And that was like one of their biggest money. That's medicine, bro. That's medicine, bro. That's funny. It is.

So, John, what else is cool about you? I mean, you do anything else in San Diego for fun? Do you take your glasses off when you eat pussy? Ooh, that's good. I do. No pink eye for that guy. More pink eye. More?

Wow. More pink eye for that guy. That's a T-shirt. So if you're making out, if you're making out, you take your glasses off? Oh, no, no, no. No.

I'm making out just eating pussy. He takes his glasses off. Shit's getting real. What kind of ladies do you like? Do this the whole time? Are you attracted to a certain type of lady? My wife, right? Ah!

Good answer. Well said, well said, well said. Good answer. Well said. Well said. Well said. Good answer. Is she here tonight? No, she's not. Okay, then what kind of girl do you really like?

Where's she from? She's from San Diego. Okay. Ah. San Diego. Military? Starting to make sense. Is she in the military? Nope's from San Diego. Okay. Ah, San Diego. Military? Starting to make sense. Is she in the military?

Nope, nope, nope. Good. Well, that's fun. How often do you get to make it up to L.A.? This is actually my third time up here. Okay. Yeah. Well, I mean, how often do you do stand-up in San Diego?

A lot? You do a lot of spots? As often as I can. That's cool. Well, fun times, John. I mean, how often do you do stand-up in San Diego a lot? You do a lot of spots? As often as I can. That's cool. Well, fun times, John. I mean, what can I say? Anything else you want to say? No, thanks for the stage time, guys.

What if when you threw to him anything else you want to say? I don't have anything right now. What if he had said something just out of the blue? I know, totally. And it's one of those things to where every once in a while I ask it. Right after I ask it, every single time, and it always ends up okay. But for a second, I'm always like, why am I even fucking asking? But what if it was like something even weirder?

Tony, what if he was just like, yeah, actually, I do. Don't trust Puerto Rican women. Yeah. What? Exactly. All right. Have we're like, what? Exactly. All right, have a good night, everyone. Can you imagine if Woody Allen's next movie was called Don't Trust Puerto Rican Women? Would that surprise anyone, though?

I mean. John Joroff, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Happy New Year, bro. He's on Twitter at Jay underscore got underscore jokes. Jay got jokes. Jay got jokes. J-A-Y, by the way.

That's a bad Twitter handle, man. If you're going by John Joroff. Never have an underscore either. Yeah. Underscores are bad. But you have another guy's name in your Twitter handle named Jay. J-A-Y. John, why is your Twitter handle J-A-Y?

Yell it as loud as you can. Nickname. Oh, J-A-Y? Your nickname's not just the letter J? They spell it out with extra letters? Like a J-bird. If J was my nickname, I'd be like J, but no A-Y. That'd be a thing.

You gotta fix that Twitter, dude. Yeah, you gotta just go with an all new Twitter. How many followers you got? You know how many followers you have What's the number? What's the exact number? I know that you know the fucking number Raza60

Maybe 500 I'd start from scratch Alright I pulled another name out of the bucket We know this guy I'm pretty sure he started on this show Put your hands together for Taylor Rizzo Start from scratch. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. We know this guy. I'm pretty sure he started on this show. Put your hands together for Taylor Rizzo. All right. All right.

I feel like my beard is kind of confusing because people will just come up to me and just guess my ethnicity. And, like, nobody ever gets it right, but they always want to know, you know? And, like, to be honest, the truth is that I'm just a quarter whatever I want to tell you. You know, you'll probably believe me, but like sometimes a black person will think that I'm part black, and like that always feels cooler for some reason. Like I was talking to this girl the other day, and she's half black, and she asked if I had any black in me, and I played it off cool. I was like, hell yeah. I'm a quarter black. And she believed me and it felt cool

that a half black girl accepted me as a quarter black. And then I noticed that her friend was standing right there listening and he was a full black and giving me a real skeptical look. And I thought that I'd been found out but just then he steps forward and he fist bumps me.

He says, yeah, I know a nigga beard when I see one. I was like, apparently you don't. All right, thanks, guys. Wow, Taylor Rizzo. There you go. That was great. Yeah, very fun. That's a good set.

Yeah, thanks. Good little bit you got there. I was nervous. Could you tell No No No I didn't think No

I think Everyone's nervous I think the quarter block that you have in you Helps your confidence Swagger on stage A little bit of that Everyone's nervous all the time At least for my

In my head Yeah for sure Is that what goes on underneath that backwards Hillary wig? Yeah. So, Taylor, that's fucking fun. Yeah, did it go okay? Yeah. How long have you had that beard for?

Wait, what? How long have you had that beard for? A long time. I haven't shaved for like four years. What's the reason for it? I don't have a chin. Yeah, you have a weak chin. Yeah, I have a

small no chin. Wow. Have you ever thought just to cut it down though to make it look less terrorist-y? No, I have bits about it. It's important to my act. Do you have a girlfriend? Yeah, I'm kind of dating somebody long distance right now. Oh, drop the bits, man.

Yeah. Long distance. Maybe. How long distance? She lives in Denver. Denver. How long have you been dating her? A long time. We were dating before I moved, and then we just kind of never stopped. Did you live in Denver before this?

No, we both lived in South Carolina, and then I moved here, and she moved to Denver for separate reasons. Super interesting. But how long have you been away from her? Like a year since I moved here. How often do you get to see her? She comes to town every couple months. It's only like $80.

Half shave. Did you say it's only $80? The last time she flew here was $80. Wow. Spirit. Yeah, spirit. Don't ever fly spirit an 80 flight my god fuck spirit get in we'll let anybody in i have a question how much yeah even people with beards like your boyfriend get on the flight it's just a whole flight of people that look like you

uh a little over four years how much time can you do? Like you would feel comfortable doing this long of a set? I mean, I could do 15 easy, but I could do a feature set. In 15 minutes, how much of that is about your beard? Or your look? Just like two jokes. There's like a joke that is about it. Because you just did one minute pretty much on a beard. So I have another one minute joke that is referencing my beard and my look,

and then there's one other joke where it's just a reference to it, but that's about it. You could always say, I had a beard like this. I mean, I like the beard. If you would have just said to me, eight minutes, I would have said, cut your goddamn beard off. That's the worst advice I've ever heard you give, by the way. If you were to say, half of 15 minutes is about my look or my beard,

I would have said shave the beard. The beard is here more so for the lack of chin than anything else. Yeah, but you could shave it down a little instead of having, you know. Do you really not like it? No, no, no. No, I don't mind it. I don't mind it personally, but Brian, you seem to hate it a lot. You have a good face, and it's like, oh, it's a nice face.

Oh, gay. It just gets... Yeah. Follow-up question. It does seem like you'd be a clean-cut, like a young CEO from the nose up. Really? And then everything underneath is just like... If you would shave your beard, you would look like Zach Braff had AIDS.

And I'm into that. I'll take that. Follow-up question. Under your sweatshirt, is there dynamite connected to a cell phone? No. I get a lot of that terrorist shit, though. So you've been in L.A. a year. I'm pretty sure we met you right when you got here, right?

Yep. You talked me into the right decision on moving out here. You guys were a big part of that. You and Brian. That's on you, Tony. Is that what happened? It's when we went to Florida, right? Yeah, well, I met you in Florida, and then you told me to take a chance to just check

it out first, and that's when I met Tony. Save money, don't move. Well, that's cool. Yeah, it's awesome. What if you didn't shave four years ago because of wanting to look more ethnically ambiguous in Obama's America? Oh, I just knew it was going to be terrible from the second you started talking.

I mean, like, I just very rarely do I start shaking my head immediately. But you had already misjudged, like, the moment itself, the part where you shouldn't even start. I'm pretty positive I can quote Red Band's advice. I can quote Red Band's advice in Florida a few years back. You should totally move to Blurbank. There you go. That was sweet. Another one.

Another one. Wow. And live. Wonderful. So, Taylor, you've been here a year. How has life changed in the year in LA I mean let's talk real talk where you live in what's your what's your work situation I mean I have a great job I've got enough promotions to have been here so I'm making more money what do you do I work for Urban Outfitters I build all the interior big promotion he went from a folder to the register

he definitely doesn't work at Dollar Shave Club. Yeah, that's true. Now we've gone backwards. But I build all the stuff that they have inside the store, so it's like a creative job that I don't have to deal with customers to register any of that stuff, so it's nice. I still have the nights to go out and do shows and everything. Nice. It's been a crazy year, man.

Doug Benson put me on both of his podcasts a few times. Yeah, that's nice, dude. Based on the beard alone, right? Yeah, just the beard, not my weed-smoking abilities. Well, that's fun. But, yeah, it's been... You smoke a lot of weed? I do, yeah.

He dabs all day. I sure do. I have a Periscope show that I smoke on every day. Mediocre Smoker. Check it out. Steve, you're a nice guy. Yep. How's life?

How long have you been here? Yeah, I know. Good to see you. I didn't know you were here. Yeah. I was just going to say, just from a comedy perspective, I think it's good. I don't even know if you realize what you're doing. I know there's a lot of comics here.

I think it's good. Like, I don't even know if you realize what you're doing. And I know there's a lot of comics here. But when you acknowledge your appearance as like an opening joke, it's a great way to connect with an audience. Because on a deeper level, what you're doing is you're sitting yourself in the audience. Meaning, what are they thinking about me right now? Right. So once you can establish that connection, then you can take the audience wherever you go. Yeah.

Because they're all thinking like, what the fuck's on his face? Right. What? That can't be what everyone was thinking, right? 70s Bush. It does look like a 70s Bush. It's not like long hairs. It's like a little pubic.

It's pretty corny. You're out of time. You're talking way too much tonight, Brian. He doesn't like it at all. Real talk, I mean, never mind. Taylor Rizzo, everybody. There he goes. Good job, buddy.

He's on Twitter. It's Taylor Rizzo. Jesus. You guys having fun, live audience? How are you? Yeah. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Luke Allen.

Alright, no Luke Allen. You know what that means. You know what happens when someone doesn't show up. That means you get to see the stylings of the Versi triplets, ladies and gentlemen. The special wild card spot. Hey. Very wild, yeah. I didn't even know.

You know, we've been thinking about if we were ever going to run train on a bitch. I know we look like we only do missionary, but it would be less of a train, more of a Congo line. Kind of a fun vibe with us, you know? We would be very polite gangbangers, though. Very polite. So hospitable. Like, can we take your coat? Can I get you something to drink?

May I double stuff your cunt? You know, stuff like that. Just very, very nice. Real sweethearts. Very nice. That's what we do. It's just how it be. We have to all get on the same page.

You know, we talk beforehand. Huddle up. All right. Alex, you're taking the mouth. Got it. Sean, we need the lube and towels. Go get it. I'm going up the gut. Huddle up. All right. All right. Alex, you're taking the mouth. Got it. Sean, we need the lube and towels. Go get it. I'm going up the gut.

Ready? Break. All right. Here we go. Oh, okay. And then we were just complimenting. It'd be like fucking a mirror pretty much. Yeah, kind of a little bit, you know.

Dude, you've been working on your abs. You know, I've been doing this like new work. A lot of crunches every morning. You know, it's working pretty well. Oh, easy. I'm going to cum right now. Yeah, I know. I mean. I've got orange slices. It's working pretty well. I'm going to cum right now. I've got orange slices.

Thank you, guys. Wow, the Versi triplets on the fly. Great job, guys. I spontaneously caught a glance at one of you guys up there in the shadows and when nobody came up I saw you guys so I spontaneously decided to bring you up because you're one of my favorite things in all of comedy right now.

You guys are totally somewhat god-awful. That's what we've heard. But there are glimpses of things. And I'm going to tell you guys this. First of all, I know a lot of you live audience may not have heard or been part of last week's episode, but you guys directly answered a note that we gave of talking about, you know, darker subject material. And it's sort of a misdirect because you guys are so goofy and jolly that finally, like hearing the third one say, you know, double stuff a cunt. Love that line.

It seems like you guys are like 12 year olds just getting away with murder. Like your parents don't know you left the house. Let's all go talk about gang banging a chick on a show. We actually debated on, they wanted me to only say pussy and I'm like, no, no, no, it would be funnier if I say cunt. Clam, twat, anything other than, everyone here's

pussy. What's another thing that makes people go, that joke is funny and then he used this other word Everyone here is pussy It's almost invisible You say cunt, clam, twat, hamburger Whatever, anybody You hear it

Joey Diaz is great at that You listen to the way they use different Use your own vernacular To say things people understand And it's all different And it never changes, but it's fun because you guys were talking about happy-go-lucky stuff,

and it's a fun exercise, and that works for some people, but it was sort of like, and you guys were feeling it, right? It felt like stale, and it felt like your responses were stale, but all of a sudden, you're getting these new pops because you're using your look to your advantage both by talking about it and setting up a misdirect just like you know if somebody thinks someone's going to be tough or

whatever and instead they're they're not or anything like that you're setting it up because they think you're a bunch of jolly kids and all of a sudden you're getting away with murder up there so wow i would try to tap into more fun stuff and experiment with stuff like that. Agree. Steve Simone is your guys' older brother. Yes. Originally, Steve Verzi

changed it to Simone from the stage. He used to fart on you. When we heard that Steve was a guest, we're like, oh, this is the one time we're going to do dirty stuff and he's going to see it. It is sort of really funny, and it just hit me when I was talking about how you guys should keep adventuring in the edgy space

because you really don't do that. You are the ultimate storytelling, energized, goofy, fun-loving. But it used to be really dark. It was? Yeah. Yeah, I guess back in the day. I do remember the very first time you the very first time I was ever here and I performed I remember thinking like wow that

guy seems like a real dick and I couldn't have been more wrong like it's so funny like cut to me seeing him for the first time tonight I'm like hey Steve and he's down the stairway here and I'm at the top of this belly room stairway and he just goes and he goes I got what was it I got ice cream and treats for everybody go downstairs and that's just him that's 100% true

and you're 100% clean family friendly comedy which here at the comedy store to be on that level is almost unheard of what it says is that you're smart as fuck and super talented because you're taking no shortcuts. It's who you are and you did it your

way and it's one of the coolest things. That's why I think your advice is great for these guys because you have to experiment. You have to figure out where the boundaries are, what you want to do, how you want to present it and what you have is so unique already and it's so retro and old school and no matter do, how you want to present it. And it's what you have is so unique already, and it's so retro and old school. And no matter what, since you're family, the vibe I get,

it always feels like you're performing for your aunts, uncles, and grandmas. So you're going to have that warmth. So when you play around with juxtaposing that with dark, or whatever you want to do, it's money in the bank. You're fine. I have a question that I'm really excited to ask. One of the three of you has a Band-Aid on your bottom lip. That's my note.

My only note. You wrote that? You got that? My note is three Band-Aids or no Band-Aids when you come out as triplets. Because I'll tell you why. And, you know, everyone laughs, but I'll tell you why. When you come out, immediately everyone goes, they're triplets, one Band-Aid, why? And they are not paying attention while you're doing your shit.

And you're setting something up, and you're doing something that's distracting when it comes out. It wasn't herpes on birth. No. If a 450 pound person comes out and starts talking about their dating life, the audience immediately subconsciously goes, why aren't they

talking about being 450 pounds right out the gate so we can agree that we agree on what's up? And you guys came out, we're triplets and we're exactly the same and then we think it's a gag. Jason, you're letting these guys off the hook. What the fuck's under the band-aid, dude?

I ate an elbow playing basketball and it's just fine. Take the band-aid off. I was hoping it was going to be a fourth. I don't want to rip it. You know it's just you ate an elbow i was hoping to take the band-aid off i want to see i was hoping it was going to be a fourth i don't want to rip it i don't want to rip it you know you know it's a cold sore because it's hold on wait a second stop for a second then we're gonna get right back to the take it off chant you know you know that it's a cold sore because his two brothers were the ones that started the chant the only two guys in the room that know that it's a cold sore started a take it off chant

while laughing. I am willing to take back that it is a fourth thing that looks like them. Go ahead. It was a cold sore. It was a cold sore and I put so much makeup on. What? You lied about the basketball thing? Yeah, of course I did.

Of course I did. It's not a cold sore. How could you? Holy shit. It's a Netflix injury. There was a reason why. You wouldn't lie. But you don't lie about a cold sore. No, you don't lie about herpes.

Here's what you don't do. You don't lie about it and then confess on the same show a minute and a half later that you lied. Literally 90 seconds goes by. That's going to be a fucking gif, by the way. Congratulations. Wow, you two must just be eating that up as triplets.

Just like, oh, well, look which one of the DNA fucked up. Man. Hey, I have a question. Have any of you conspired to be like, we have a much better twins act if we kill old fuckface? Yeah, me and herpes here. Of course. I think old fucking band-aid on the fucking face.

I think old band-aid beard better fucking sleep with his eyes open. Let me ask you a question, Verzi number two. Do you remember? Do you know who it was? I don't, no. Really? No. Wow, you guys are banging that many triplets.

That gangbang, that's a snippet of our real life, that gangbang. Did you just notice that they clapped at the same time like a football team? Like they just broke a huddle or something like that? And break. And that was impressive. You guys really are fucking triplets. How old are you? 24.

24. You know what I love about you guys? Seriously. Is that you guys are earnest despite your cheesiness. You guys are earnest. You're very earnest goes to jail in fact because you're not funny at all. Nothing on that? You guys are assholes. This is an asshole audio. Earnest goes to jail, in fact, because you're not funny at all. But you're hard- Nothing on that? You guys are assholes.

This is an asshole audience. This is actually- Earnest goes to jail? This is a- Shut up. Fuck you. This is something you can take from- Is that you're hard-

Read the people on Twitter all day. They're going to be like, that dumb audience didn't laugh at earnest goes to jail. You're earnest? You're very earnest goes to- I refuse to let this die. You're earnest, you're hardworking, and there's three of you. So you've got that. Okay, but that wasn't my joke, Tony.

That was a serious thought. I mean, that wasn't a joke, so it couldn't have been your joke. It couldn't have been your joke. I have a joke for you guys. If you guys are like, there's one thing we all like, and two of you say sports and one of you says anal. Yeah, that's really good. And then you can call it back later and be like,

yeah, and our favorite sport is, and then two of you say basketball, and one of you says anal again. And by the way, you guys also have to start opening your brain and taking chances to the point to where the thing that you guys and you did great, by the way,

and I'm telling you, in one week you took a fucking note, and people don't do this, but you guys took a note and you really answered the note. You took it head on. You wrote a bit that's completely outside of your realm, but it just goes to show that the fucking, you know, the training never ends because what you

really, I'm pitching here, is that what you guys should have talked about is the thing that we were sort of at least I was wondering, which is why does the one have a bandaid on his lip? Like when you guys are writing the day of and taking chances, I might have a talking about the talking about the elephant in the room. And by that, I'm talking about whatever's underneath that band. Yeah. Then, I mean, you're going like next level and I'm not saying you shouldn't have done what you did but I'm saying like you know you guys have to start going like we can make fun of anything and you can riff and take chances he didn't want us to talk about it so you're trying to be nice and not talk to him but that's another then here's another next level lesson is like two versus gotta open up you know

what I mean it's part of part of what you got yourself into is that if you don't have the makeup or the know-how to cover up something like that or the medicine or whatever it is. He went out and bought a huge thing of cover-up and it still didn't work. Look how upset he is. This is beautiful.

That's my follow-up question, Tony. If all three of you get a vote for the other guy in five years, let me hear your vote. Which one of you is gay? Listen to all the ladies that have cold sores yelling at each other in the back right now. It's not just that. It could be a whole plestitute of things. I sort of feel fucking bad for him.

If all three of you get a vote in five years, which one of you is gay? Whoa! See how fast that was? That was fast. Dude, they like they said that like you might have something to announce right now.

It's just because I shaved my chest. That's why. Oh, is it, bro? Is that it? Let's ask them why they said that so fast Come on ColdSword Get your fucking revenge This guy started chanting He's very into himself

He's kind of like Patrick Bateman He's really into his body He snores with cocks in his mouth Yeah Versi number three What's the gayest thing you've ever had in your butt? He snores with cocks in his mouth. Yeah. Versi number three. What's the gayest thing you've ever had in your butt? No, that's versi number one.

That's a strong question. You, Tony. Oh, you son of a bitch. I had to. Hallelujah. It's raining, man. All right, there they go. The versi triplets, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, guys.

Good job, guys. Happy New Year, man. Great job, guys. Yeah, man. You can't guys. Happy New Year, man. Great job, guys. Yeah, man. You can't hate on people that take the notes. That's fucking incredible. Hard work. Hard work will get you further than anything else.

And that's coming from a guy who, admittedly, you lashed out on them harder than I've ever seen you lash out on anybody ever. You hated them when you first saw them. And that's what you just said. That's what I'm saying. The growth of that little storyline of the Verzi triplets is pretty awesome. One more time for the Verzi triplets, everybody. Come on. There's three of them.

They should at least get double the applause. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Tom Whalen. What do you say, Tom? What's up, everybody? Shit. I've had a tough day.

Got my lighter stolen. Sorry, I'm not trying to play the victim. That was an awful joke. I wrote that 10 seconds ago. I live a kind of minimalistic life. I have a table and a chair. But if you ask Trumpy, I have two tables. I watch a lot of porn.

I don't think I'm a bad guy for watching porn. I just regret it when I do my morning ritual. Podcast listeners can't hear. It's sad. Tap one off. You come in on tap one off. Come in on tap one off. Listen, if I'm going to come in, I'm coming in on tap one off listen if i'm gonna come in i'm coming in on tap one off i tap one off and

then i gotta go eat breakfast with my roommates who are little asian girls and what kind of porn do i watch little asian girls and they got cream of wheat they're eating the sloppiest breakfast possible fuck yeah you done tom whalen everybody there he is who would have guessed on the episode in which I mentioned that if the wire gets wiggled a little bit to just touch the wire to make sure that for the podcast

that is live the podcast the audio podcast hundreds of thousands of listeners that you would touch the wire to knock it back into place. Meanwhile, on that episode, on that very same episode. Billions of listeners. I feel like that was a chance for me to showcase my projection. I had a lot more that I was going to say.

But, I mean, I guess I'm just, like, spitballing here. I guess if I'm mid-sentence, that means just everybody just jump in as hard as you can. But okay, let's go on with whatever Brian's shoving down our throats right now. Go ahead, Brian. How long do you think it takes to plug in a microphone? To bend over and grab it? A few seconds. Yeah, I was getting to a whole thing that was funnier than that. Anyway, Tom. I'll say this. What are we doing here? Tom.

Yes. What makes you think, what made you roll with that like that? You know, I don't know. You didn't think about the podcast thing? I was all piss and vinegar, honestly. I just felt like inexperience. You know what I'm saying? Inexperience. It's all right.

All balls, no skill. I just feel like as a human being, there's a lot of people in this room. Stupid. I know 100,000 people will listen to this, but this room is packed. Yeah. And the mic dropped out. You know you have a minute left. And I actually thought you were very professional about that.

You brought your voice up to a theatrical level and you conveyed your set. You knew you had 40 seconds left. You're like, I don't want to spend three minutes plugging into a mic. It takes you three minutes to plug in a mic, Jay. Six minutes later,

it's still not plugged in! Yes! It's going to take you two seconds To plug in a mic You hire your voice while you bend over To pick it up But 190 people Or whatever how many people are in this room 190 people

You do the no look wire grab There's no question about this You do a no look wire grab. You pick that shit up. You guys are saving the podcast. When I explained what I thought your moment was, it got an applause break and I feel like everyone in this

room, all 75 of them thought he played that good. It was the Hillary voters. It was like five chicks in the room that lightly clapped together. He could have been embarrassed. It was like five chicks in the room that lightly clapped together. He could have been embarrassed to not feel like he played that good. Nobody with any goddamn passion that would show up to the actual voting poll booth. Did I say that right?

No. Tom, you are the worst undercover cop comedian I've ever seen on the road. Tony. That all being said, yeah. You look like you're wearing a wire in high school. You for speed seven, funny jokes. What do you do for work? I work at a sandwich place right now.

Of course you do. I used to. Listen, do you understand that people accept my opinion like it's fact? You look at this belly and you're buying a sandwich when I recommend it. I'm going to interrupt you. I'm going to interrupt you because you know what you said? You said after you told your first joke, you said I wrote that in 10 seconds. And it goes back to what we were just talking about with the Verdi triplets, which is hard

work. You're right. So that's all I have to say. You're right. No, you're absolutely right. He's right. He's right. What sandwich place do you work at?

The carving board. I work in the one in West Hollywood. Steve, you are our top sandwich consultant. Absolutely. Have you tried the carving board? I have. I'm going to recommend. You are our top sandwich consultant. Absolutely. Have you tried the carving board? I have. Are you at the one on Sunset? No, I'm at the one in West Hollywood, but I get the discount. You know what I'm saying, bro?

Ladies. That's like a subway guy bragging to me like, dude, let's go to any subway. Let's not. How about no? You have what I would term fear confidence. Do you understand what I mean? Fear confidence.

Yeah. Sure. And when you get uncomfortable, you just sort of turn into like Chris Farley a little bit, right? Yeah. Or unplug your mic on purpose. You get like real goofy. Yeah, you do that little goofy.

For sure. For sure. Where are you from? I'm from the Boston area, North Shore, Beverly, Massachusetts. Yeah, definitely. What have you got more and more specific? Western Street, 9107. Centerville.

Centerville. Up here, Centerville School. 47 degrees North Southwest. 47 degrees South, yeah, exactly. That's fun. How long have you been in the sandwich business, Tom? Nah. His whole life.

Sometimes I like to switch over to radio voice. I'm suspecting his whole life. Let me ask you another crazy one. Here comes another wackadoodle. Here's one question for you, Tom. Sandwich Games has been about three months, Tony.

You've been in a cover for 27 years? No, I worked at the YMCA before that. Before that, I was actually a radio show host. Why do I feel like you worked at the YMCA at the only sandwich place there? It wasn't actually the YMCA. I'm going to do something.

Put your mic in your mic. Hold this for your song about how Jared owned the YMCA. No, no, no. Any ideas that you have that last longer than 10 seconds? Put your mic in the mic stand. That's it. Put your mic in the mic stand. Stand behind it. Okay? It's a fucking real note. I love that. A real note.

Okay? That's it. Chill. There you go. How do you feel right now, Tom? I feel good. Do you? Why do I feel like even with the mic in the mic stand, he's so accident prone that the mic cord's just going to bloop and just fall right out?

How does it even happen? He's like a Final Destination movie waiting to happen. And by the way, let it be known, a lot of audience members don't know this. We do this every single night regularly. If you ever happen to see a mic cord fall out of the microphone, that's because somebody handled the mic

not as professionally as they should have. There's actually a little eject button right there if you don't know. If you hit it, then you hit it, but you're not going to see winners ever really hit it. I'm not a winner, guys. Don't do what I did. Don't do what I did.

Hey, Tony, has anybody ever told you you look like the elf in the shelf was molested as a child actually what's funny is that somebody did once tell me that there's two people that obviously hate me that over owed that and I know who they were too fucking uh what was his fucking name

piece of shit. Mia Sirace, I saw you, motherfucker. Yeah, okay. Tom's your boy. You see when you did that laugh and you backed away? It was too much. It was false. Pretend your mustache is telling the jokes.

Maybe it wasn't false, but I think because you're under the lights, it was slightly false. I think it was slightly exaggerated. Tom, do you have roommates? We're animals. I do have roommates. How many roommates do you have? I'm going to guess nine. Two roommates right now.

What do they do for work? I think they're both prostitutes, honestly, but they hide it. One of them says she's a Lyft driver and she works for like central casting and the other says that she's in the fashion industry. Have you ever seen the movie Super Troopers? Yeah. Farva?

Good one. There you go. Brian Redbeck. Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Reichel. Anything else for Tom, guys? Steve Simone, what are your thoughts on Tom? How long have you been here? Dude, I can tell you love comedy I do

And I think you're a little nervous Because it means so much to you And I think that's awesome And I realize what this show, what makes this great Is that you're giving everybody an opportunity Because there's a real crowd with real energy And it's just fucking great to be here And to be a part of this I felt you'd come out and you're giving everybody an opportunity because there's a real crowd with real energy. It's just fucking great to be here and to be a part of this. It allows you to play. I felt you to come

out and you're like, this is a real set. Don't mess it up. Then when the mic dropped, I was like, oh my god. It was adorable and cool. Thank you, man. Appreciate that. Joel Jimenez said that he looks like he makes a hell of a deep dish pizza. Jesus, he did.

You're a big goofball, aren't you, Tom? Beggars in Chicago, they got that dope deep dish. Are you from Chicago? No, but I went to college in Chicago. Where'd you go, Northwood? Columbia College. Oh, okay. Yeah.

It's the only place I would accept me. Wow, you have an interesting look to you, sir. It's really interesting. You look like a child molester that's scared of kids. Yeah. I don't understand it, but I like it. Yeah, thank you. On the nose.

They intimidate me. I want to keep them as far away as possible. Yeah, yeah. But you also want to fuck the shit out of them, too. Well, there he goes. The carving board's greatest comedian, ladies and gentlemen, Tom Whalen. He's on Twitter. It's Sir Thomas J. Whalen.

Sir Thomas J. Whalen. Oh, shit. We're walking people tonight. This is an interesting crowd. I could tell some people really don't want to be here. I don't know what happened. I don't know exactly if some people over-believed how bad I thought this episode was, but I make that joke a lot.

It's packed, though. It's holiday, people. Happy holidays. This lady right here in the front row, I can't take my eyes off her. You guys notice this, too? I love this. This lady right here, I can't take my eyes off her, rest of the audience. And I never get this distracted by an audience member.

But I can't take my eyes off of her because she refuses to even look up at this show. She's so mad whoever brought her here to this place for her to enjoy herself. A place built around humans enjoying themselves. For decades of history of every single night of the year, people enjoying themselves. I've only seen the top of her head. I thought she was faking an abortion the whole time. I mean, it's really incredible. I don't know if you of her head. I thought she was faking an abortion the whole time. It's really incredible. The most loving Christmas way.

If you're physically allergic to comedy or something like that, I've never really seen it, but what were you saying? You guys are here specifically to hopefully see somebody in particular? She's casting spells on your bucket, dog. Tony, tough front row. Yeah, it's really tough.

I mean, you know, if not, it's all going to be okay. I mean, he really took a gamble. There's like... She's casting spells. This isn't even all of them. Check this out. Look at that.

Look at that stack of buckets. Look at all these names. Let's have them all do one set at once. Two or three more. None of them are Brett Morris either. But I am going back in. I'm putting my notes. Good joke, Tony.

Put your hands together for Trevor Anderson. Ooh. Could be a cousin of some kind of yours. He could be one of your cousins that you've never met before. Trevor Anderson, everybody. Get the fuck out of here. I want Brett Morris up here right now. Just kidding.

Bring the triplets up. Yeah, double triplets. Trevor Anderson, put your hands together one more time for him. Here he goes. All right. So a friend of mine was making fun of me for cooking. He thinks it's girly. So I...

Hold on, there's more to this joke. I thought I'd prove him wrong, so I took the manliest implement in my kitchen, the cast iron skillet, and I put everything manly in there. Eggs and bacon and hash browns and onions and everything I could think of, and I just put it in the oven. And it came out this just glorious manly pie, and I said, dude, that is manly. He said, dude, that's a quiche.

Yeah, I used to live in Japan. I made a lot of mistakes out there. Like, for example, I didn't know that Asian people do not like to be associated with or confused for other groups of Asian people, so I asked a Japanese friend, are you North or South Korean? Yeah, he lost his shit. He was thrown inside.

He's like, I'll kill you! I'll fucking kill you! So. North Korean, I guess. All right. Wow. That's another thing that this show is cool for. We get to meet somebody hilarious sometimes.

That was great, Trevor. Where are you from? Originally from Rialto, San Bernardino area. San Bernardino. How long have you been on stand-up? About four years. Kind of gappy, though. Kind of gappy.

You don't know many Asians, do you? Yeah, I do. Tony, was it just me or when you said that Asian joke, I didn't think there was a punchline coming. It's funny you say that. It's funny you say that because i actually did and i got to see and the moment that you laughed as hard as you did i literally thought to myself i'm like that's surprising that pat didn't see that so it's funny that you literally asked me that because i had a

when he did that joke my main thing was like wow pat didn't see that north korea thing like i mean at least i was hoping that happens sometimes where i'm like oh my god this person figured this out this is gonna get two big laughs there's the one here it comes and he nailed it sometimes people don't have that i was i it's not to the i mean like sometimes i'm surprised when you're surprised well sometimes i wasn't even totally in the moment because i thought that he was set up to kill with the energy in the room. He was totally, more than any comedian of the night, brought up to an energy that was primed to go. I'd like to take a little bit more credit than that.

Then the mic happened. Well, I bet you do, but let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. The mic fucked him, though. That voice cracking on Girly was an accident, correct? That was. If you could figure out how to do that every time,

that's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. And immediately I realized, oh my God, it was just an accident. And that was the best laugh of the night. You had a great set, but it never got better than that. That was the joke of the night i mean accidentally and that's comedy for you but if you could figure out a way and even afterwards i'm like it wouldn't be

it even if that was on purpose it is killer like people will all die for that and it's not that hard to do i don't think yeah uh somebody said that i was doing something i that. I don't know. Maybe I can't do it. Maybe it is hard. And to your credit, your set was great. Thank you. Yeah, that was awesome. Yeah, great set. Why do I feel like you're an anomaly? Why do I feel like you haven't had a ton of negative shit to happen in your life to make you as funny

as you actually are? Yeah, that's weird. Is that true? Your parents are still together? Still together. Healthy. Theater background. Everything's good. You have a savings account. I have no debt. You've had a steady career your entire life. College graduate.

Get out of comedy. I hate everything though. How old are you Trevor? I'm 33. Theater background. Shut up. Yes or no? Honest with me I was raised by lesbians I was raised by lesbians

I was gay before anybody in this room That sucks dick or eats pussy Ever even thought about it I was that kid at that party Gay or straight 100% straight 100% straight. 100% straight. All right.

Thanks. I have no idea what just happened. Tony, gay vibe? Honestly, no. It's almost like a reverse thing where I almost feel like he's King Pussy Slayer for some reason. He seems like the kind of guy that like... Like an evil genius? Okay, now...

I feel like people from like the South would think that he's gay, but like, I don't know. Living in West Hollywood for the past decade, I feel like I have somewhat of a decent gaydar, and for some reason, I think you get a ton of pussy. Now my mom can't watch the show. Wait, you're wearing a Fender t-shirt. Do you play... I'm just a fan. Just a fan of Fenders?

Just a fan of guitars. You want to stand by your pussy statement, Tony? A lot of people like bands and rock stars. I give the instrument all the credit. Brian, gay or straight? Vibes. Gay or straight? Really?

You're sitting too close to his dick. Smells gay as fuck What about a molested vibe No No molested vibe Let me ask you this Trevor What is the

What would you consider one of the worst things to ever happen Have you ever had your heart broken Maybe George Michael dying? Come up with your own age. I was married briefly. How old were you when you got married? 23. How old was the girl that you married?

47. We were the same age. She cheated on me and then got into fetish porn. That was pretty brutal for me. Were you on the show before? I don't know what they're clapping for. Red Band woke up quick. What kind of fetish porn was it?

Piercings and they zip-tied her pussy lips. Wow! Zip-tied her pussy lips? I don't know. Maybe I probably shouldn't have brought that up. Trevor, be honest. And is that what made you gay? He's not gay. I'll let you know when I figure't know. Maybe I probably shouldn't have brought that up. Trevor, be honest, Trevor. And is that what made you gay?

He's not gay. I'll let you know when I figure it out. Ask him for a friend. He's not gay, but after my new level two analysis, he might just be. And correct me if I'm wrong, Trevor. Would you consider yourself, do you think you're probably a little bit boring in the bedroom? I don't think so. I have a great time every time.

Would you be willing to share a cool trick or something like that that you do? A cool trick? I don't think so. I have a great time every time. Would you be willing to share a cool trick or something like that that you do? A cool trick? I don't know. Is there something you ever say or do in which you're like, man, that always works for me? Yeah, no. I'm sorry. I wish I could think of something, but I don't have any moves. Don't you be a fucking pussy right now.

All right, all right. I like a good choking. It's not the right sound effect for that, but it's still funny. Take off your glasses for a second. The way that you just said... He's a normal guy. He fucking slays pushies.

Why do I feel like now that his glasses are off, a Superman cape is about to fly off from the back of him. He's got fucking blue eyes. You look like a jester snorted Viagra. That's how I look at you right now. What's up with your voice tonight, Jason?

You're like... That's how it is. Trevor. Yeah. So, I mean, that breakup was tough for you. Yeah, it was pretty brutal. How's it been going now, though? I'm doing a lot better, yeah.

You on dating websites and stuff? Yeah, I've done some of that. Last date you went on, when was pretty brutal. How's it been going now, though? I'm doing a lot better, yeah. You on dating websites and stuff? Yeah, I've done some of that. Last date you went on, when was that? Just before Christmas. And all through the house? Yeah. Not a creature of stirring. Why I did that.

That's a zinger, though. You stumbled into one. So how did that go? What did you guys do? We went to dinner and then my house. Applebee's. And had you hooked up? Dinner and then my house.

So where did you take her to dinner at? Everybody slow it down. There's a bar with a secret pub in the back room. It's kind of douchey. A bar with a pub in the back. Yeah, it's like a speakeasy. It's like a speakeasy. Give it to the Bill Cosby of fucking restauranteurs

over here. Hey, man, I'm starving. How about you? Yeah? You ready for this? There's some whiskey and beer. Let's do this shit. You just get right into it, huh? Did it end up working for you? Yeah, I mean, I'm gonna see her again. You are. What base did you get to with her?

Full. I'm guessing full. What's anal? You son of a bitch. Yeah, I think this guy's a freak. The king of the misdirect. Anything else for Trevor, guys? Steve? I just think you made a good point earlier about his voice cracking.

Always, always, always right on stage. I think your performance has to come alive in the moment. But then the secret is making things that were planned appear not to be planned. And you can also accentuate them, you know what I mean? It can make it look longer. You can just make it longer by just going for it. Again, I mean, it's just unbelievable. I mean, if you try something,

it's going to always get a few chuckles from just people that are like surprised and stuff. Tony, I got a question for you. Yes, go ahead. How did you find out? Same thing goes for you, by the way, that I just said about that. Go ahead.

I know. I picked that up. You guys are both. My bookends are out of control tonight. How did you find out your wife was doing zip tie fetish porn? She sent me the link to her FetLife profile.

Wow. One in the link, two in the stink. Not very subtle. Your wife. Did you see it coming? Was it something that's overnight? No. We were both in the Navy at the time

and there was deployments and we got back. It's all about semen. We got to go, believe it or not, Trevor. Go. Get out of here. We have one final comedian. This is a really big deal. Ladies and gentlemen, this young lady has been a regular on this show,

writing and performing, not out of the bucket. She writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. It's one of the toughest gigs in all of comedy, writing and performing a new minute every week. That's 60 new minutes per year if executed properly. Not easy to do. Has been, you know, obviously mentored by the last 60 guests on the show. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

This is a really big deal, though. Someone, it's been an awesome pleasure working with her. Put your hands together for the final, the final one-minute set of Vanessa Johnston, everybody. Here you go. I feel like this is the the technology problem not me um so uh so I'm an atheist uh which sucks because I'm afraid of the dark but I still go to church because I like the songs my favorite part is when they talk about the birth of Jesus,

and then everyone sings Silent Night, because it makes absolutely no sense. Dude, like this bitch is having a baby in a barn full of noisy animals with a virgin-type pussy. That's the least Silent Night ever. It's more like bloody night. Everyone's all upset that Jesus got killed.

But, like, dude, he got killed when he was 32. Back then, that was, like, so old, you know? People didn't even start taking Jesus seriously until he was, like, 31. They're like, man, this dude might be the son of God. No one's lived past 30. Bing, bang, boom. Another new minute from Vanessa Johnson. I love it.

I feel like you could have gotten right into the fucking son of a bitch. What was the first punchline? I'm an atheist, which sucks because I'm afraid of the sucks coming for the drug oh the silent night yeah the silent night you could have just gotten right into like you know fucking christmas is fucked up silent night you know what i mean what kind of i mean is it about is it about him getting made or is it about is that what i don't know anyway um but i loved the part that sort of went under the radar during that set of like when you said, you know, everybody's all upset about Jesus getting killed or whatever. Yeah. And I think it's important to like, you know, always remember that some of the stuff that you're saying is going to be funny.

But if you don't leave them a chance to know that it's funny because that's just a simple beat thing because look i just got that laugh off of literally just saying something that you said but it a lot of people don't even notice it if you don't you know just you just gotta breathe sometimes even though you only have 60 seconds and it's not easy isn't that tony isn't isn't that like a like a kind of a i don't know this is just comedy comedy talk but uh just comedy talk. But it's a fine line letting things breathe versus pacing. Because sometimes people will go too slow and sit and it just sucks all the energy out of the room. They'll say one line. Like that's my big line.

And then wait three seconds, four seconds. And then it kind of – I don't know. It's a tricky thing. And it changes and it evolves continuously. It's one of those things. It changes in a matter of two minutes. You could be 10 minutes into a 15 minute set murdering, murdering, murdering, murdering

and you start going too fast and you don't realize it until 20 seconds too late and then they feel you make the adjustment. So it's one of those important things where a great classic note is listen to yourself while you're Seconds too late and then they feel you make the adjustment. So it's one of those important things where like, you know, the old great classic note is just like listen to yourself while you're performing. You know, listen through the speakers and not through your mouth sort of and to the audience.

Anyway. Well, and by the way, this is your last minute. So thank you so much for being part of the show. It is sad. Thank you. We're moving on to new things. You're doing the road and very cool things like that. I would really like to invite you next Wednesday to the Death Squad Secret Show in the main room.

Oh, cool. For a full set. Brett Morris. Awesome. Cool, guys. Thank you so much. There she goes, Vanessa Johnson, ladies and gentlemen. And here you go.

Let's shock the world. Mr. Nice Guy, we have two minutes left. After this, we're not even going to talk to him. We're not going to say a word to this guy. We're going to give him a minute right now. Put your hands together for Brett Morris, ladies and gentlemen. Fine. Have a bunch of fucking angry people

in the front. You win, Brett. You win, Brett. Merry Christmas. There you go. Brett Morris, everybody. There you go Brett Morris everybody There you go Brett Morris How we doing? A little bit about myself I'm 32 and I feel like as I'm getting older

I'm getting a lot more stickler for the rules As an example My friend on Facebook He posted a pretty nasty picture Of his cock on Facebook So What posted a pretty nasty picture of his cock on Facebook. So what anybody would do, I reported him. It would make it even worse is that he had six young chicks in the picture with his cock. Now, I don't care if he was working on a free-range farm raising chickens or not. The rules are the rules. Boom.

Brett Morris, you did it. There you go. That's our time. We got you up. We squozed you in here. Brett Morris, there he goes. Good job, buddy. Good job.

Come back more often. This is your first time doing stand-up? Very first time doing stand-up. Brett Morris, there it is. Brett Morris, ladies and gentlemen. Will you come back again? Do you live in L.A.? Greatest place in the world.

Visiting from where? Great job. On your way to San Francisco. Are you living there now? No. Where do you live? South Florida. South Florida.

Fuck yeah. Well, there you go. Well, if we ever go to South Florida, you'll be on this show. Don't ever leave. Brett Morris. Jason Tebow has a new album coming out the second week of January. What's it called? Return of the Red State, January 14th

on all things records and iTunes. And Steve Simone's album is out right now. One of the top sellers on all iTunes. Yeah, it's called What's Up Nerds. What's Up Nerds. That's what it is. I get them all confused. I remember back when you had no albums. Now you're like Katy Perry over here.

Pat, what's up? What do you got? Love you, Tony. Thank you for the time and creative freedom. Thank you. He's at Patty Reagan on Twitter. Joel Jimenez is at Mostly Sorry. Brian Redband, we're going to San Francisco and Moon Tower.

I'm also doing stand-up in a bunch of places, Calgary, Dallas, San Antonio, Corpus Christi, and a lot of other fun places. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com tomorrow when I put up new dates on TonyHinchcliffe.com. I'll be at San Jose Friday, and we have a secret show next Wednesday here at the Comedy Store. Live audience, thank you so much. Have a great night, everybody. Take care. Yeah. I love you. Let me hold you.

I'm not your brother. I'm not your father. Oh, will you ever change your mind? I'm a tender lover with a heart of gold. Baby, you're not so unkind Come on, I want some sex Come on, I want some sex We'll be right back. Thank you. you you