KILL TONY - KILL TONY #19

Episode Date: October 21, 2013

Marc Maron, Doug Benson, Iron Patriot, Tony Hinchcliffe, Sara Mostajabi, Kimberly Congdon, Brian Redban – Date: 10/04/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Please check out our website because we're going to be going on the road. Me and Tony and Sam Tripoli are going to San Diego October 31st at the American Comedy Club. We're bringing a bunch of secret comics, surprise comedians. It's going to be a huge party on Halloween. So go to AmericanComedyCo.com to get your tickets or just go to DeathSquad.TV. Scroll down just a teeny bit you'll see our live shows

including this show which we do every Monday Kill Tony at the Comedy Store at 8 o'clock followed by the Ding Dong Show at 10 o'clock both shows are free every Monday go to DeathSquad.tv for the links or just go to the Comedy Store's website TheComedyStore.com

also check out ShopSquad.tv that's the official t-shirt for death squad it's a limited edition once it's sold it sells out it's sold out forever so just go to shop squad.tv to pick up your kitty cat limited edition number three t-shirt and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony hi everyone welcome to the LA Podfest. We just have a few sponsors to thank before we get started. Daily Motion, where you can watch, publish, and share videos, and we're streaming live on there right now. MailChimp, online email marketing solutions to manage contacts, send emails, and track

results. The Sideshow Network and All Things Comedy, two great comedy podcast networks. And Squarespace, where you can easily manage and create a website. Yes! Woo! So guys, live from the Squarespace ballroom on Dailymotion, here is Death Squad. Brian Redband. Hey, this is Redband

coming to you live from the LA Podfest. How are you guys doing today? This is a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hipscliff. Fuck yeah. Hi everybody. Here we are. Holy moly, how exciting. We're at the LA Podfest right now. This is fucking ridiculous. We're in the penthouse at a fancy hotel.

Holy moly. This is excitement if I've ever heard of it before. Thanks to everybody watching at Daily Motion. I would say make some noise, but we wouldn't hear you guys. Because you're in bedrooms right now. I brought my dog.

I got the... This is a dog-friendly hotel, so you can pay the $75 so your dog can fuck the shit up in your room, and you don't have to pay any extra, so if anyone wants to piss and shit in my room. I know I already did.

The dog, when we were in there, the dog actually came out and had a little something in its mouth. We thought it was poop for a moment, but what was it? It was a little chocolate. His tiny dog found a tiny chocolate and was walking around with it in its mouth. So thank you

Sheraton Delfina. Yeah, thank you. Thank you for allowing my dog to find poisonous chocolate underneath the fucking dresser. That's right. The Sheraton Hotel, where we kill the cutest baby dogs you've ever seen. Hell yes.

As always, please put your hands together for our head of security, the one and only Iron Patriot is here, everybody. A huge fan favorite of the show. ...against anyone who would threaten our way of life. I am the Iron Patriot.

There is a real human being underneath that suit. And tonight was the first night after 18 episodes of this show in which we actually, Brian and I, and some other people close to the show, got to meet the man under the suit, Jeff Crabtree. Yes. Saw his face. Yes. I'm excited to be here tonight, Tony.

Well, we're excited to have you, man. It was amazing because, you know, we always knew that the $5,000 suit shipped from Norway under $700 of shipping costs was a really big deal. But when he pulled up today, he got his car valeted, and he needed all of our help because the suit actually is in three separate crates and two gym bags. Am I exaggerating?

No. No, it was quite challenging to get it down here, Tony. But it's worth it because I like being with so many people that enjoy podcasting like me. It's unbelievable. And that's how he found us in the first place. He showed up after episode one in that squeaky, fantastic uniform that we all love. And that's how he found us in the first place. He showed up after episode one

in that squeaky, fantastic uniform that we all love. And he came right up to me and he goes, Tony, I'm a big fan of the death squad. I'm a big fan of you. I'd love to be part of any show anytime. And I go, well, that's great because you're our new head of security for no apparent reason, because he can't even move in this suit. He really doesn't know what he's looking at. He never knows which camera is taking the picture. That's really what we love about him is that

even though he has a huge thick of armor, there is one regular very normal human being underneath it all. Wait, wait, wait. He has a huge foot fetish. Also, in my past episode, he said that he put chocolate on his dick the second time he ever came

and let his cocker spaniel lick it off of him when he was younger. And he's not known to lie about things, either. And he actually changed into this outfit in my room when I wasn't there with my little shih tzu. Did you fuck my shih tzu?

Yeah. Was that your chocolate? Yeah, were you the one that planted the chocolate there? my room when I wasn't there with my little shih tzu. Did you fuck my shih tzu? Yeah. Was that your chocolate? Yeah, were you the one that planted the chocolate there? This whole thing's coming full circle right now. I basically served my dog Buffy a banana split. I have the nuts, the banana, the chocolate, the cream, and I was even

circumcised when I was a small baby. Alright, I'm really not sure how that applies to anything. Less to lick off of, I guess. Another fun thing about the Iron Patriot that we've noticed over the last few weeks, a developing story with him, is that he has an uncontrollable left arm twitch.

Not anymore, Tony. I got it figured out. I put my hand right here and nothing happened. I told you not to do that. You have to take your hand out of that. Take your hand out of that. Take your hand out of that. No, no. That's awesome though, man. Your character has to have an arm twig.

That isn't going to turn on the ladies though. They're going to think I have Parkinson's disease or something. I don't think you're turning on the ladies regardless, Patriot. I don't think that should be your worry. Nope. I'm a good catch. Some woman better snatch me up quick. If you don't take your hand off of that little pocket that hides your left arm twitch, I swear to God, we're going to hire the aluminum patriot next week to take your place.

We're going to slightly push you down. Right. No, no, no. Well, this is so exciting. Patriot, yeah. By the way, Patriot used to be in a band in Austin, Texas, was it? In Dallas. Dallas, Texas.

In the 90s, he had a band when the grunge era was going on, like sad, depressing, fucking shitty music. He had the happiest band in the whole entire world. It was basically the B-52s of Texas. Yes. And you know what? I think before we bring up our guests tonight, let's play this song.

Hey, can you guys turn it up a little? This is one of his hit songs, by the way. Here we go. That's what there's about day That's bringing out a vine in the jungle His name is Jacob That's a funny name for a monkey One day he found him a lady She was climbing on a tree She was left to dry That. She was with Petra.

That's a funny day for a monkey. That's a funny day for a monkey. You can see why the band didn't take off. The Iron Patriot, everybody, and his banana helper. And that's actually a very racist song. The lead characters are monkeys, and the names were what?

Laquidra? No, it's Jacob and Laquidra. Two monkeys in the jungle. Laquidra was playing hard to get, and Jacob said, come, I want to share my banana with you. Yes. I like the female brothers, come, I want to share my banana with you. Yes. I like the female brothers, Tony.

I'll tell you that. I like Beyonce, Kerry Washington. I like, you know, all the female brothers. One thing you should know about the Iron Patriot is he's from Texas, so he has that innocent racism that you doesn't know he's being racist. It's accidental racism when you don't know that it's racist. Like when you call black women female brothers.

That is not a natural thing. You created that. Other people don't do that. I like the female hombres too. Eva Longoria. She has some really cute feet. I like to lick on those toes. Damn. Well, I like to lick on those toes. Damn.

Well, what's amazing is that the Patriot is just here to make sure that nothing goes too crazy during the show. The actual format of the show, for those of you just joining us for the first time, is we take well, normally we do it out of the comedy store every Monday at 8 o'clock, and

there's about 30 to 35, sometimes 25, sometimes 40 comedians who sign up and hang out in the room to be part of the show, hoping that their name gets picked out of this here bucket so that they can do 60 seconds of material in front of us and always two fantastic

guests in hopes of some kind of constructive criticism, either positive or negative or anything in any way to help them for the future, and they are open for any advice whatsoever and tonight we have pre-booked 10 of the finest young rising comedians around. One person I do believe it's their first time ever going on stage which is something that naturally happens on Mondays at the Comedy Store and we are so very excited. You guys ready to bring up our two guests tonight?

I think you're going to be very pleased with the quality of our guests. First, return guest. You know him from the hit movie Super High Me, his new show on the internet, Getting Doug with High. Put your hands together for Doug Benson, everybody. Hell yes, he's back.

And our second guest, one of my favorite comedians in the world. You know him from his hit podcast, WTF, and from the hit show Marin on IFC. Put your hands together for Lonely Mark Marin. Holy moly. Wowzers! Holy moly! This is like a dream come true guys. Thank you so much for being here.

Hello my female brothers! I wanna take this out. Mark, I've got to ask, what's your initial reaction to the Iron Patriot? I was in the elevator with him. And then he said, oh, I'm on the same show as you. I'm like, oh, fuck. What is this circus?

What is this red band fiasco? What sort of strange, desperate activity am I involved in? Is this something you do at parties or specifically for this? Yeah, I live down on Hollywood Boulevard. I'll take pictures with people for tips and I come to the comedy store every Monday. Something I want to say to you, Mark.

Oh, oh. On the third episode of Kill Tony, we had Dean Delray on the show. Yeah. And I was telling him how much I enjoyed the podcast you did with him. Yeah. And there's something you don't know about that interview, though. Okay.

Because two days before that, he hurt his balls riding a bike. I know. And he was on medication. Yeah. And he said he didn't even remember your interview. Well, he said to me that he wasn't sure he wanted me to post it because he was on the pain meds. And then I sent him the interview and I said,

dude, you were great. And it's okay. Mark, you're really having a conversation with that guy right now. Doug, I want to say something to you, Doug. Doug, can I talk to you for a second? He's talking to you. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Patriot.

What's up? Oh, do I got to call him Patriot? Call him whatever you want. It was great meeting you, Doug, in August on Kill Tony 13. We bonded quickly over our mutual love of Bridget Fonda's feet and Jackie Brown. Now, you remember that, don't you? We do both love her feet and Jackie Brown. So he's one of the guys that hangs out on Mondays?

He comes to the store dressed like that? Yeah, he has to ride on the bus standing up because he can't sit down in that suit. So this is like your thing? Yes, it's my gimmick, my stick. And he's also an exter, though. He's also in a lot of TV shows.

Of course he is. Of course he is. Right. Doug, could I say one more thing, Doug, before we go? Oh, boy. Doug, this is what I want to say to you. Please. One more thing.

Okay. Three of the biggest podcasters, Joe Rogan, Mark Maron, and Adam Carolla, all started in 2009. You started your podcast In 2006 Doug Loves Movies How did you have the foresight to start podcasting so early Doug? That's a great question

Put your hands together for the Patriot everybody That's awesome Yeah Doug I thought you know if I get into this thing early enough Maybe some other guys will come along and they'll be much bigger than me at this. He was begging me to be bigger than him. I don't think I am, though.

I think you do really good. Yeah, I do okay, but it's like, you know, there was this thing called handheld comedy. It was like a site that Never Not Funny and my show and a few others were on. So they had come to me and said, you know, they thought podcasting could have advertising and whatnot. And we did it for a while, and then they went out of business.

And then, you know, now that I'm out on my own, we have advertising. So thanks, handheld comedy, whoever or wherever you are are you now having a conversation with the robot? no no the robot whatever that is when you sing

Patriot are you a little jealous of Daft Punk's success? do you think maybe your banana song was too happy? Because all their songs are sad and it seems to work. People don't want happy robots.

They want sad ones. Yeah, well, my banana song means different things to different people. And you can take it however you want. You can literally banana or the man's genitalia. There's a whole lot of hurt in that suit. Everybody has dark secrets

from their past, Mark. Don't you agree? Everyone what? Has dark secrets from their past? Oh no, what's this story? What needs to be covered up with $6,000 worth of armor? I love that his microphone that he talks to is pointed

at his abdomen. It's balls. Is this a standard superhero thing, or is this like a special suit? It's the Iron Patriot from the comics. Not the movie, not Iron Man 3. This is from the comics. The Norman Osborn that fought against Green Goblin. No, that was Green Goblin and fought against Spider-Man.

Okay. And he stole Iron Man's suit and became a villain. He tricked America to thinking that he was patriotic, but he was really a villain. The Iron Patriot. This is what happens right before he loses his fucking life. Right. You like that tone?

It's like, no! You listen to me! I met him earlier today in the elevator when he was outside of the suit and he's much less emphatic. When he's in the suit, he really lays down the law, but when he's just hanging out in the elevator,

he looks like a stoner that I could pick out of a lineup. It's just starting to creep me out a little. Mark, I can tell we're going to be good friends from here on out. You know, Patriot, you just made it worse. Why don't you give me the address of your garage? I'll come up with a podcast next week. No, do not give out your address like Tony Stark did in Iron Man 3

because you can come any time as long as you're in the suit. Okay, can I look at your girlfriend Jessica's feet? Yeah, whatever. You're going to have to ask her, and it's a weird request, and I would take it as an insult, but I feel sort of bad for you. That's his actual laugh.

Of course it is. That's not some robot button that he hits, by the way. Why would you take someone loving your girlfriend's feet as an insult, no matter who it comes from? Wait, wait, because it was prefaced by a guy in a fucking suit saying he's going to come to my house uninvited. Right. That's what I'm supposed to say.

Oh, thank you. What do you mean uninvited? He asked for your address, and I told it to him earlier tonight. You know, Mark, Mark, this is another podcast I liked. I liked when you interviewed Aubrey Plaza because I am an extra on the show Parks and Recreation, and I saw her on the set,

and I told her how much I enjoyed that podcast, and she told the story about how she almost had a heart attack. Remember that story when she had a stroke? I enjoyed that podcast, and she told the story about how she had a heart attack. A stroke. Remember that story when she had a stroke? Yeah. I love that podcast, Mark. I'm a podcast lover. The repetition of my name is weird.

Right, yeah. Also, that Aubrey Plaza told you a story is hard to swallow. Like, how long did you talk to her for? No, I just told her how much I loved hearing her on there. Yeah, and then she called security. Yeah. Which is not you on that set. You're just an extra.

Yeah, I am just an extra. I'm one of the City Hall employees. You are? Yes. You see me in the background. They just did the premiere last week and I was right behind Rashida Jones in a screenshot. So everybody look for him. Look for the guy who you don't know what he looks like.

Right. He'll be right in there. You can see it. Go to my Facebook page. You'll see all my pictures. I got a lot of great pictures. Just look for his crazy thing he does with his left arm. Hey, are you on the... Yeah, the way your left arm twitches, I'm surprised. I'm extra on Michael Jackson.

Michael J. Fox. Yeah, you should be on Parkinson's and Recreation Patriot. Oh! That works out. I'll take that O as a laugh. That was solid. That was good.

As amazing as it is, the Patriot is only secondary to the main format of this show. I thought this show was just Talk to the Patriot. I know, trust me. That's coming soon. That's one of the special bonuses of the show. Talk to the glowing hands of the Patriot.

While that on itself could totally run as a podcast, I know, the actual format is comedians trying out 60 seconds. Is the Patriot even in the shot, in the Daily Motion live feed? That's a good question. It would be great. I got multiple thumbs up from deep in the back of the room.

It would be great if he was framed out and we all looked insane. Just looking over there and talking to a robot voice. It's hilarious. I'm sorry. Keep explaining the premise of the show. No, fuck yeah. So comedians do 60 seconds. Doug, you've been on it before.

Mark, first thing when I saw Doug, I'm just going to tell him, Doug, in the lobby. I go, what's up, Doug? And he goes, I just can't wait to see what Mark has to say to these comedians. Because we know you are so, I don't know how to word it. I mean, there's no way to word it. You're so balls deep into comedy. I'm not sure that was the best way to word it. Your dick is so far in comedy.

That's why I prefaced it when I don't know how to word it. My dick is way up into... It's super in comedy. You know not anything you ever think about other than comedy? No, man. Just being balls deep in comedy. You know anything you ever think about other than comedy? No, man. Just being balls deep in comedy

is my life. I'm not going to be mean. I'm going to be honest. Are you going to be supportive? It's a fucking minute. What do these poor guys do in a minute? No, of course.

Oh, hello. That was the loudest breaking glass I've ever heard. these poor guys can do in a minute? No, of course. Oh, hello. There's a broken glass. Was that for real? That was the loudest breaking glass I've ever heard. Like someone jumped up on their chair and then threw it down in the ground as they dove off of it. He's excited about it. Was that real? He's excited

about the soundboard. At least we know the Patriot is ineffective in those situations. I'm watching very closely, Doug. You don't know what I'm looking at right now. There ain't going to be no Batman massacre in here. I can guess what you're looking at right now. There's some people with feet in the front row. That dude's feet right there.

Open toe sandals move to the back. So they do 60 seconds. At 60 seconds, when they hit that exact time frame, they hear the meow of a kitty. That's what it sounds like. And if they go too far over their time... Whose idea was the meow? Was it your idea, Red Bear?

Yeah. Of course it was. What the fuck, Mark? Is that a real question? Yeah, because feet don't make noise. And if they go too long after their minute after that, if they can't wrap it up after that, the angry West Hollywood bear comes up.

That sounds extra angry tonight. It sounds like he's upped his game for the podcast. Why is there a West Hollywood bear? There's no cock sound. Normally we're in West Hollywood. We do this at the comedy store every week. Wow. Did you download extra growls for the special occasions?

That's an anchor here. So what do you guys say we get this thing started? Ten rising comedians doing 60 seconds each. We randomly pull them out of buckets so it's spontaneous.

Let's get this thing started. So your first comedian tonight goes by the name of Ari Maness, everybody. Here he is. goes by the name of Ari Maness, everybody. Here he is. Thank you, guys. Thank you, guys.

My name's Ari. I'm a T-shirt and jeans kind of guy. I think my bank knows me a little too well. I recently bought my first suit as soon as I walked out of the department store. I get a call from Chase. Hey, I think your credit card got stolen. Doesn't match up with your nightly purchase at Taco Bell. And filling up your gas tank $6 at a time.

Girls say they want a nice guy. A guy who's not going to take advantage of them. Girls don't want a nice guy. Girls say they want a nice guy. They want a nice dick. Girls say they want a guy who's going to write them poetry, take them for long walks on the beach. Yeah, that's true. Girls want those things. I have to get pounded

by a dick. Thank you, guys. Wait, you only did 27 seconds. Pounded by a dick. Good night. Wait, he's got two more jokes. Two more jokes. Recently was cuddling with a lady.

Thank you, guys. a lady. She gets... Thank you, guys. Thank you. She gets up to go to the bathroom, and it was really cute. Well, yeah, no, I was cuddling with her. She gets up to go to the bathroom. It was really cute.

She turned on the sink so I wouldn't hear her pee. It was so sweet, she was embarrassed. Do you guys believe that? But then I heard it. Spoosh. It's disgusting. I did not know girls did that I was not told

meow alright maybe you should have stopped at 27 yeah I should have stopped I had a strong 27 we see why you brought the 27 second he's like I got more time check out spoosh

I'm gonna do that joke where the girl takes a dump didn't work out the way I wanted I'm gonna go to that joke where the girl takes a dump. Didn't work out the way I wanted. I'm going to go to the saver on this one. Oh, boy. So what are we supposed to do now? Anything you want.

Whatever I do. Now you constructively criticize the spooge. What's your name? Ari. Ari? Yes. Ju? Oh, surprisingly, yeah. All right.

First of all, am I starting? Sure. Yeah? Yes. Jew? Oh, surprisingly, yeah. All right. First of all, am I starting? Sure. Yeah, sure. Are you a teacher? No. 24 years old. College graduate. So what was the first bit?

I'm sort of a teacher in jeans kind of guy? Oh, a t-shirt. Oh, a t-shirt. Okay. All right. T-shirt and jeans. Yeah. It's good to know you lost Mark at your third word.

It's good to know you lost Mark at your third word. I know. Yeah. Yeah, I just think that... I'm a teacher in shoes, kind of. You did an interesting thing, is that, you know, you had good setups, and then the punchlines actually felt like more setups. Like, the punchlines were not...

They should be funnier, generally. All right. Thank you. No, the setups were good. I mean, there's a structure there. But you should make funny choices with the tags. That's my note, was that I felt that you delivered it all

extremely professionally. Like, you seemed confident, and you seemed like everything you were saying was funny and now you just need to get something that's funny to say. Slip that in there. No, like for instance, like $6 withdrawals at the bank and Taco Bell. Yeah. There's funnier things in that, right?

Like the setup's good. They're like, oh, someone's fucking with your credit card because they just bought a suit, which is unusual because you usually spend the money on funnier things. Yeah. That's a good, solid feedback. Thank you. Right?

Yeah, I know. Yeah, my girlfriend went in the bathroom and I could hear her whispering to herself, he's not funny. I'm glad I signed up for this. This is nice. Don't get discouraged. No, seriously, though. You've got your polish,

so just keep doing what you're doing. I like the idea, though. It's a good idea because it is like putting six stars of gas in your tank. We've all been there. We've all done the dollar. I've done the dollar. Dollar! Just to get somewhere.

I think his heart's in the right place. Totally. I think that the six... Also, Mark, he's probably going to be the best one of the night. No, come on. Oh, boy. I think that the six dollars worth of gas... You did two, right, on that? There were two things?

Yeah, I ate at Taco Bell for dinner and six dollars of gas. You did two, right, on that? There were two things? Yeah, I ate at Taco Bell for dinner and six dollars of gas. I think you need to fucking lose it a little bit, dude. You're too fucking structured. You're hung up on jokes. Open it up, dude. Open it up. Don't dwell on jokes. Yeah. Hey, let me ask you something. Let me ask you something.

Are you the guy from Kill Tony 6 that took the girl rock climbing and wanted to impress her? Remember him, Tony? You remember him. I do remember that. That was one of the most popular bits that came out of all the shows. Where he... On Valentine's Day.

Right. But none of that was part of the original joke. The joke originally... But not originally. The way he said it. We ended up finding out all this stuff just from asking him questions. For example, like, when the girl, did that actually happen where a girl went pee and she turned on the sink?

That one was, unfortunately, I'm going to reveal to you guys, it was made up. That's a made up joke. But it's also, you know, you're not 14, dude. Yeah, you're right. You know, girl shit and, you know, it's just...

You know what? Sell that bit to a 14-year-old. That's true. That's what I wrote it for, the children. Seriously, did you go to college? I did, yeah. I graduated, barely. You're a smart guy. It's going to work out for you.

Thank you, Mark. We give you our blessing. Fuck yeah, you've been polite. I don't want to be mean. Thank you. It was great, Mark. We give you our blessing. Fuck yeah, you've been polite. I don't want to be mean. Thank you. That was great, man. Ari Maness, everybody. That's number one. We're down with one. Mark, I don't think we should touch them.

He's at Ari Maness on Twitter. I just know that I'm going to say something tonight and 15 years from now, one of these guys is going to come up to me and go, you remember that fucking night where we did that thing right that fucking thing and you said that thing to me well look at me now you fuck

you're going to say let's sit down in the garage and work this out yeah exactly and that is the magic of it you know there's been a lot of episode or I mean just a lot of times since we started this podcast where somebody will come up to me and go, hey man,

dinosaur vagina thing, that's a four minute bit now. It's my new closer. It's amazing to watch how sometimes there'll be some, I mean dinosaur vagina again. That's like the balls deep of references. No, no, it's good. It's good. It's

helping people. It is. It's really incredible. Sometimes and other times you don't see the person again and it's like, no, it's good, buddy. It's good. Yeah, well, it's helping people is what you're saying. It is. It's really incredible. Sometimes. And other times you don't see the person again and it's like, yeah, we got him to quit. Good. No, I'm kidding. That's not true. Oh, they'll be back on Monday. Yeah, always. That's at Ari Maness on Twitter. You guys ready for your next comedian?

Let's keep the fun train moving along. It just never ends. All right. Your next comedian is Lil Bro. Wow. Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake. Just moved down to L.A. Really didn't move down here. Don't have enough money to get back home.

Met a chick online, and the bitch Matt Tateo'd me, man. You know, cause I pulled up like I met her online and I swear I felt like Lil Red Riding Hood cause the door opened but I couldn't see her and she stuck her foot out the door and I was like, damn,

what big feet you have. And she stuck her leg out a little more and her legs looked like Earl Campbell. And that was where you could see the muscle. You remember Apollo Creed when he was running on the beach? You could see the muscle. I'm like, damn, what big legs you have.

And she finally came around the door. I'm like, bitch, is that an Adam's apple? Like, you can see that. I swear to God I met EJ. I swear to God. met EJ. I swear to God. I go online for dating. You don't want to click on the ladies whose

names start with a T. Teosaurus Rex. I'm thinking she a head hunter because she a carnivore. She like meat. There he is. He got both the cat and the bear on that one. Every once in a while, Brian gets a little excited, and that bear comes out quick.

I get excited. What was the EJ thing? I love that Little Red Riding Hood thing. All the way up, you lost me. It's Magic Johnson's son. EJ. EJ. Okay.

Okay. Nobody knows who EJ is. I was sort of what Doug he's like 6'7 wearing high heel pumps why didn't you just go with cock over Adam's apple

I mean I kind of saw it coming but you're like is that an Adam's apple you set up the leg you set up the muscles and then there should have been a dick there because I agree maybe he didn't go been a dick there. I agree. Maybe he didn't go with the dick there because he's not 14 years old. Plus it was tucked. He's putting together a classic piece of comedy, Mark.

Yeah, it was tucked and the right leg was out. So wait, this is a real story? No, I'm just... God, that would have been so much better. What's the name of the dinosaur? Teosaurus Rex. Yeah, I'll just so made up. God, that would have been so much better. What's the name of the dinosaur? Teosaurus Rex. Yeah, I'll just do something. I love that.

I love that you say that that way. I'm not good with dinosaurs either, but I think you mean Tyrannosaurus. No, no, no. I'm like online. There's another one called Teosaurus? No, no, no. I'm like online. That's her name. There's another one called Teasaurus? No, online. Like trannies.

It's one you sit down with in the afternoon. Oh, trannies. Yeah. They don't like that word. Trannies don't like to be called trannies. What do they like to be called? I hate to break it to you. Transsexuals.

There's something about the... Transgender. What, they're against... Transgendered. Or just trans. But I grew up loving trains as a kid, so I just call them trains. Yeah, it's like he grew up with trains.

Trans-am if it's in the morning. But anyway, I thought this dude was fun. I thought he really had fun. A lot of it didn't make any sense to me. Great delivery, though, right? I wasn't really worried about who EJ was. I was just sort of like, damn it, that's a reference I don't know, because he's one of those man bros who says things I don't necessarily get,

but I like you. Just out of curiosity, by round of applause, how many people out there did know that when he said EJ, that meant Magic Johnson's son? There's one half liar in the back of the room. A sister brother. Yeah, exactly. So there's a disconnect

there, but it's... It wasn't bombing. I'll make him into Dennis Rodman. I can say it was Dennis Rodman. Totally. Okay. And then next, you know, we're talking about Korea. I don't know about that.

Good delivery, man. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. It's very comfortable. Yeah, definitely. Lil Bro. Always a pleasure.

Very relaxed. That's at Lil Bro on Twitter. Fun fact about Lil Bro. I don't know who his marketing advisor is, but he spells the bro in Lil Bro. B-R-O-U-G-H. I thought it was Lil Bro, and it was just going to be a small person with a Scottish lilt to their voice.

He's not very Lil at all. No. No, yeah. He is a Lil Dick. There's no accounting for nicknames after a certain point. Yeah. Mark's busting out some

pills. Yeah. Just to get through this 30. He's having a Nicorette. He just ate half of it. Isn't that supposed to be just like temporary to get over? Are you still on weed? Yeah, and it helped my cancer. Thank you. Isn't that supposed to be just temporary to get over? Are you still on weed? Are you still on weed?

Yeah, and it helped my cancer. Thank you. Well, this is helping me not get cancer. That is amazing. I mean, I wish I could do that. What? I'm trying so hard to convince myself that I need to quit smoking soon, and I think about it about 100 times a day because it's starting to affect me.

Right. Is that the start of quitting? Do you remember that part that you were at? I quit a lot of times. I just like nicotine. This seems to be the most safe delivery system. Mark, didn't you say that I heard you say that it's giving you gas. Jesus, could you warn us before you're going to do that? It's giving you gas.

Could you say, everyone, I'm about to speak. I think sometimes they do give you gas. I don't really know. I'm not convinced that that's what gives me gas, but I think they do give some people gas. It does something to you because it stinks over here. It does not.

Stop it. There's mannitol in this, which as some of you old blowheads know, was the stuff they put in blow that would make you go to the bathroom. Do you remember? Did you just say little bro heads? Are those little Bro fans?

Is that the name of his fan club? That's what they should call them, Lil Broheads. Jesus Christ. Look at this shit. Like fucking Dailymotion pumping out HD video on my iPhone. Oh my God, I just watched myself. This shit is ridiculous. Look at that.

That's like really good quality. I think we're going to die tonight, Tony, now that we just watched ourselves on Brian's phone. That's crazy. How did we get inside that phone? That's amazing. Why do these mics do this? Oh, yeah.

They got a weird like... That's not turning it on and off, is it? No, but it's kind of like uncircumcised penis. Yeah, it is. Definitely. That's some interesting stuff. What do we got? Like eight more to go?

Yeah. Christ. You know, the bar here closes at midnight. That's hilarious. That's some interesting stuff. When in doubt, when you have nothing to say, go with that. Right. Wow, that's something there.

That's when you know the hand's going in the bucket. You guys ready for your next comedian? Yeah. His name is Hormoz Rashidi. Hormoz! What's going on, guys? You know the saying, don't bring a knife to a gunfight? But what if it's your lucky knife? Wouldn't a better saying be, bring a gun to a gunfight?

Or, don't go to the gunfight, it's dangerous. Or how about, call the police, tell them there's a gunfight. Every year, thousands of people die because of gun violence. And I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do about it. I'm going to teach inner city kids math. In no time, they'll be throwing down their gang signs, and they'll be throwing up cosines.

Usually, usually it's only an even prime number that gets that one. A friend of mine told me that wasn't funny, and now it's been proven. That's three math jokes. That's my time. Wow. Dismounting it and making it look easy. Getting off at exactly 59.31 seconds. Like a pro. Hormoz Rashidi. Three math jokes in 59 seconds. I thought the what if it's your lucky knife was a good line.

Yeah. No one laughed at that, but I thought that was hilarious. Yeah. Did you get a laugh out of that? Yeah, well, I was laughing at you laughing at it, but that counts. That's how stand-up comedy works. Sometimes the whole table will laugh just because the laugh leader gets it going. But I was impressed.

There was another punchline you had, the code one or something, where it got a big laugh. Cosines. Cosines. And it got a big laugh, and I was just like, I don't get it, but everyone's enjoying it. Right. It's a math thing. I don't know what it is.

Yeah, yeah. It's pretty smart as that stuff goes, I guess. But good delivery and confident. And you built in the joke at the end for when you tank, which is good. Yeah, yeah. Right? Yeah. No, totally.

It's always good to be able to buffer that confidently. Right, exactly. Yeah, I think you did that well. So what do you say if it doesn't work, that your friend told you that it wouldn't work? And that it was proven that he was confidently. Right, exactly. Yeah, I think you did that well. So what do you say if it doesn't work that your friend told you that it wouldn't work? And that it was proven that he was right.

Right. So that'd go either way. That can go either way, yeah. If it works, it's proven. So it's like a fail safe. Is that the only joke you have? No, no, no. You got a few?

I got a lot of jokes. That's great, man. Yeah. Do they all involve math? Is that a thing? No, no, no Do you have anything about something more universal like Hot Pockets? I think we can agree

this was a math heavy set This was the most math heavy set A friend of mine told me that my math jokes weren't funny at the comedy store This was sort of the stand and deliver of your sets Yeah, yeah. Exactly.

Math jokes are pretty hard, though. I have a math joke and half the time it works. Yeah, it doesn't always add up. Look at you. You don't look like a math guy. He looks like a math guy. He sells it better. What's your math joke? But you know, look at you. You don't look like a math guy. He looks like a math guy. I know.

He sells it better. Yeah. What's your math joke? I actually have three math jokes, but the biggest one is like, I stopped quitting smoking cigarettes because I saw on Dr. Phil that every time you smoke a pack of cigarettes,

it takes off 30 minutes of your life. 30 minutes. Wait, what? I missed it But Dr. Phil says Every time you take a pack of cigarettes Or you have a pack of cigarettes It takes off 30 minutes of your life So I freaked out

Stopped quitting I stopped smoking But then I realized I could just wake up an hour early every day And everything will be fine Yeah See? Macho.

Fuck that. It takes a long time to get to wherever that was going. I think that Hormoz is in a math gang, actually. Yeah. And look at him. Throwing signs involving numbers. No, I like this guy. This guy's a good guy.

Yeah, we love him. Did you ever use the somak, the Persian spice that I gave you? Yeah, it's good. That was you who gave me? Yeah, it was interesting. It's an interesting flavor. Wow. Yeah.

Wait, what? He gave me? Yo, yo, yo, did you try that Persian spice? That shit I slipped you? What'd you think of that? Put some stevia in there and it'll kill you. Do you guys have math jokes? Do you guys have jokes that involve

numbers that you're like, oh, you kind of have to think about it? Do I? I think I feel like I had one at some point. I try to remember. A lot of people that watch my comedy always go, you know, I like what you did, but not enough math jokes. It's something that I'm trying to work

on. I'm trying to get more in there. What's this Persian spice thing that you gave Mark? I heard on the podcast he cooks a lot and likes to try all this different stuff, so I brought some somag, which is the main Persian spice. Yeah. And I just gave him some in these little packets. Yeah. It was good.

Yeah, I appreciate it. Yeah, it was very nice of you. I don't know if I would use it on everything. It's not good on cereal. I appreciate it. It was very nice of you. I don't know if I would use it on everything. It's not good on cereal. No, no. But kebabs? That's what you put it on? See, I fucked up then.

Because I went ahead and put it in cereal. Yeah, no, no. You said it could go on everything. Savory. Okay, right, right. That's why it didn't taste right. Not good on puffins. Does Persian spice taste like old spice at all?

Or is that a whole different thing? Oh my god, are you going to go up next? Ah, you son of a bitch. Because they wear cologne. I have a question for Hermos. Are you disappointed that there's no actual helpful advice or anything in our

criticism? Like, are you happy that we just liked it and that's the end of it? Or would you like us to tell you something that we think you should improve? I'm glad you guys liked it, but yeah. Okay, let me tell you some things that are wrong with you. Let's start with your face.

No, I'm just joking around. I thought it was great. Thank you so much. Hormoz Rashidi. He's on Twitter. Hormoz Rashidi. He's on Twitter at Hormoz Rashidi. Persian spice. What did you make? Do you cook a lot, Mark? Yeah, I used to.

I've been a little busy, but I like to cook. Do you remember what you made with the Persian spice? I think I put on some salmon. Does that make sense? Yeah, that's good. Yeah. It's got a thing to it. Let's not talk about how the mic thing moves up and down Have you ever listened to the Persian Spice Girls?

Yeah, all the time I don't understand them Well, they try to tell you what they want What they really, really want But they're speaking in Persian Yeah, it's very difficult There's a language barrier Tony, host your show It's hard that there's a language barrier.

Tony, host your show. Oh my god. Persian Spice Girl. It's jokes like that that just fucking kill me. Alright. Those jokes kill Tony? Is that what you're trying to say? Son of a bitch. There you go. Full circle.

Not only is this guy a funny producer of the show, but he's also a comedy store door guy and a fundraising comedian with a speech impediment. Put your hands together for Josh Martin, everybody. Here he is. Giving all the stars of the land If you show me real Yeah.

Recently found out that cannibalism Still exists guys Which is crazy I didn't know that exists Like I feel it's crazy because we already Know what stuff tastes like Like I know what cookies taste like And they're delicious Like for most people like if we

Had to eat people Like for most people the hardest part Would be eating people The hardest part for me would be eating people. The hardest part for me would be to keep things skinny while I eat all the people just to find one that tastes like cheesecake. Like I would eat all the people or have them suck my dick. Like it's one of the two. You can choose to be eaten or suck my dick. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked, guys.

That's all I'm trying to do up here. Just trying to get a blowjob out of this. That's all I actually had, guys. Wow. So the minute that you put together was basically asking everyone for a blowjob? Pretty much, yeah. Is that open to anybody

or are you looking for specifically a man or a woman to do that? Mostly a woman. Mostly a woman. Do you have people bring you up as a guy with a speech impediment? People do.

So you didn't write that intro? No. I would leave that out and let that be the surprise. Right, right. Yeah. There's no reason to dwell on that. Yeah, yeah. Because it's good.

It's your style. I sound a little retarded, but... Yeah, but that's charming. That's me. Yeah, it is. It's transgender, by the way. He's not transgender. He's a guy with a speech impediment.

Yeah. He can't even say transgender. Transgender? No, I can't. Will you say it, please? Transgender. See? What was the word you couldn't say today?

You're like, I can't say that word. There's a lot of words I can't say. What was the one from today? What was the one today? I don't remember. I try to forget the words I can't say. Was it ennui? What was it?

What? Diet right. You can't say diet right. Diet white. I have a problem with my voice. Josh, I have a question. I think you should make a list of all the words you can't say and say them.

Oh my god, here's a good one for you to say. Could you say or sing Katy Perry's Roar? Wait, what? Roar? The word roar? Like alliance? War? Josh, I have a question.

What's the name of the character that leads Santa's sleigh every Christmas? Oh, you're horrible. You know, my favorite reindeer, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, which is the best reindeer of all. Let's be honest. Oh, you should just do that.

Who is it that the... That's actually one of my jokes where I sing that song. Who is it the wolf is trying to eat in that fairy tale? I'm just kidding. She's little, but what else is... How else would you fairy tale? I'm just kidding. She's little, but what else is... How else would you describe her?

I don't know. Like, what's she wearing? Red riding hood. I feel like I'm getting raped on this stage, guys. Well, you wanted a blowjob. You're going to settle for being raped. Oh, my God. I hope you're never raped,

because if you're yelling, I'm being raped, I'm being raped, people will just giggle and move along. So you should open with it. Hey, are you... The patriot piles on.

Patriot's like, can you say my name? He is one wooed robot. See, people are already doing impressions of you. You gotta... That's good. I have a speech impediment too. See, people are already doing impressions of you. That's good. I have a speech impediment too. It's a little more subtle.

But I have trouble with L's too, but they're not as extreme. What kind of trouble do you have with them? I don't use my tongue to say them. I don't go la la la. I say them from my throat, so it's like la la la. So it's really W's, but now that you know that I just told you that, you would notice it, but I'm very good at it. But I think that... You're so good at covering up that horrible impediment.

It's called the rolling L. But I think you just lay into it, right? Yeah, I just... I don't hear it myself. Yeah, seriously? In my head, it sounds like I'm saying it correctly. That's tremendous. Until I actually hear it.

Maybe if you take off the hat wig thing, you'll hear better. Until when? Until you what? Like if I hear like a recording of myself, then I can hear how I'm actually saying it. Yeah. But while saying it, it sounds fine in my head. That's good. That's good.

I guess. I don't know if it's good, but. Do you sing? I can't talk It might sound interesting Do you want me to hold on to some bananas for you? I'll sing the banana song again

Yeah, sing it No, no Can we try to download that real quick? It's good, man Josh Martin Good guy Can we try to download that real quick? It's good, man. It's good. It's good. Josh Martin, everybody. He's a good guy. Good guy. Unbelievable.

And a special extra shout out for Josh for being so helpful over setting this thing up this week. He's actually our producer. I'm hoping to get to the point to where one day he's the announcer and he brings everybody out. I think that'd be good. Totally, man. Who needs these announcers with perfect enunciation? Exactly. Let's change the game.

I think you're right. Yeah, give people with a rolling L a break. Yeah. Totally. Let us live a little. For those of you on Twitter, you could tweet Josh anything you wanted. Josh Martin Comic. That's his Twitter handle.

That's very interesting. Mm-hmm. God damn. This thing looks amazing. Brian keeps pulling up the live feed of what's happening here. Do you guys see that? Isn't that just creepy? That's amazing HD. The Patriot looks pretty good. That's fucking crazy. Pretty soon, we're just going to be watching

what we're going to say next on something. I don't know. Dailymotion and Squarespace. That was like half a stoner thought. Totally. Pretty soon we're going to be watching what we're about to say. And you just fell into that fucking thought,

didn't you? Someday we're going to look at stuff. And it's going to be looking back at us while we're looking at it. Yeah. I know. Right? Where are you going, lady?

You got to take a shit? How does that fit in? Definitely. Snap one off for daddy. Oh, Lord. That's the worst Slim Jim commercial ever. You can tell she has big areolas, by the way, the way she walks. You cannot. You have no idea., by the way, the way she walks. Oh, wow. You cannot.

Yeah, you can tell. You have no idea. There's no way you know that. Meaty, big areolas. Wow, that's interesting. What the fuck is wrong with him? He just likes to show off his R pronunciation. Yeah.

Right now, Josh is wondering what are our we always? What are we always, Brian? Alright, your next comedian, everybody, goes by the name of Frank Castillo. Hello, everyone. Like he said, my name's Frank Castillo. I have siblings. I love them a lot.

I kind of love my little sister more than I love my little brother, though. I don't think that makes me an asshole. I just think that makes me efficient. Like, if our house ever catches fire, I know which kid I'm grabbing. Like, we just run outside and we're just like, wait, where's Maceo? No, no, no. I told you guys. I would grab Ossetette in my season one of The Wire.

That's all I got for now. Wait a second. That was 23 seconds. I can do one more. Did it seem like a minute long when you planned it? The bear is mad at 23 seconds. That's hard to defend. All right, I'll do one more.

Yeah. We're going to drag it out. Wait, wait, wait. Let the baby finish crying first. Reset the clock. Okay, you can go ahead. Alright, alright. I have siblings.

You did that one. Thank you. This is another joke about his siblings. I like giving advice to my siblings a lot. I remember the first time my little sister asked me where black people came from. I didn't know what to say because I didn't want to ruin white people for her at such a young age.

Well, that's clever. That's clever. You like the bonus joke, Mark? It's a thinker. You know what I mean? It's a thinker. All right. I didn't get it.

What do you mean? I missed it. What do you mean? I missed it. She asked me where black people came from and I didn't want to explain everything because I didn't want to ruin white people for such a young age. Yeah, because white people did slavery. Oh, gotcha.

Yeah, definitely. Now I got it. There wasn't wordplay in it. It kind of eluded you. Why is it uncomfortable now? What was the thing about the other thing about the siblings? First of all, you used the word siblings too many times. The other joke was

he took his sister in the wire, not the other kid. The wire was more important. Season one of the wire. I think a lot of us were just caught in that moment going, is that the best season of The Wire? Because I was pretty into season

four. Yeah. So we don't mind the other kid dying, but pick a different season of The Wire. Oh, okay. Alright. I'll make sure to get on that. I think they actually make it pretty specific. I think it's a good suggestion, Doug. I appreciate your's a good suggestion, Doug. I appreciate your suggestion.

Thank you, Mark. The other joke's good, but it's a thinker. I thought it was clever. But you only have two jokes? Oh, I... I got a solid three jokes. He didn't use his whole minute, but then he got close. Solid three jokes.

You gotta remember the first four seconds of that were him saying, like he said, my name is Frank Castillo. Do you always open with that? Only on your show, Tony. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. Thanks for bringing the thunder just for me.

I think you're off to a good start there. Thank you. I'm also a huge fan of both of you guys. Oh, thanks. Oh, that's awesome. Thank you. I'm also a huge fan of both of you guys. Oh, thanks. Oh, awesome. Thank you very much. Wait, which two? You know there's four of us sitting here.

Good job, Frank. Seriously, you're good at it. Thank you very much, guys. Thank you. Give it up. He's at Frank C Comedy on Twitter. Does it end in an E or an O? Frank

Castillo or Castillo? Ends with an O. C-A-S-T-I-L-L-O. From Mexico. Jesus. What are you going to do? Suck his dick, Frank? Come on. Settle down. First person ever spell Castillo right, I find that hard to believe. Half of the major leagues ends in Castillo.

Louis Castillo. There's even a Frank Castillo. Third baseman for the Pirates. You know what's exciting? I just pulled this name. This happens every week at the Comedy Store, and it's happening right now. This name, I know for a fact, because he contacted me on Twitter and therefore got booked on the show.

This is his very first time ever doing any stand-up comedy whatsoever. It's 60 seconds right now. Put your hands together for Mark Murray. Hey, what's up, guys? So I don't know if you've heard, but you can make your own dick mold now. And dick mold sounds weird. It sounds like an STD or something. But a dick mold is actually, you can get this kit.

So at home, you can make a replica mold of your dick. And I'm thinking I might just make one and keep it in the drawer next to my bed. So if I get too drunk to fuck, I'll just pull that out and use that, kind of like a backup dick. Or I'm going to make copies for my gay friends and just let them borrow it and tell me how I am. Today's weed is so strong, and the edibles are even crazier.

I had one weed M&M at a high school graduation, and I was high for six years. I don't remember anything from college. I feel like it would be the worst thing ever to die while masturbating in an inappropriate place, like while driving or at work. So I was thinking, what's the worst job to die while masturbating? Gardener?

Elementary school janitor? I don't know, that's it. Thanks. He hit it. Nailed it. It's funny that you mention masturbation and gardening because I'm a constant gardener. Yeah. that you mentioned masturbation and gardening

because I'm a constant gardener. Yeah. Starting Ralph Fiennes. You reminded me of just that energy that you come on stage with that you have no idea whether any of the jokes

are going to work, but you've worked them through in your head over and over again. Yeah. How'd that feel to you? It felt awesome, man. Like you said, I thought it was either going to work, but you've worked them through in your head over and over again. How'd that feel to you? It felt awesome, man. Like you said, I thought it was either going to go dead silent,

which, what are you going to do? I don't give a fuck. Do you not give a fuck? I don't care, man. It's my first time doing it. You care a little. What are you going to do, though? This isn't my job. I fucking did it, man. There was a complete 180 there.

I don't give a fuck. I give a lot of a fuck. What was the phrase you used? Backup dick? Was that it? That should be the CD title. That works. He's got one minute of material and we're going to record a CD already?

Just do the first cut. The other joke, the last joke needs a third thing. Yeah, I want to work on that one more, but I didn't hear the cat or the bear, so I'm like, let's just try that. I think it's a better time because it's a special edition. But it's like you do

a gardener, elementary school janitor, and then he stops. There should be a funny thing. Yeah, I haven't found out what's a good one. What's something... We're not here to write your fucking ass.

Half the time these guys do. Oh, they do? But I was thinking maybe... Cover job. Be a sounding board. Give me some tax. Not just board. I like backup dick

and I think you should deal with some of this. The issue of... We're gay friends using your dick to fuck them yeah yeah it's a little weird it's pretty weird but that was your first big laugh how did that feel like the first big like that's encouraging right it felt awesome so now i know i can talk about dick molds and like all this weird shit oh fuck yeah oh well no i don't know if you should be right too excited about dick molds. I can just picture it now, eight years from now.

Tony, I have three hours on dick mold. I didn't know what he was saying for the first three times he said it. Like you said dick mold, it was so fast that it could have been dick old or dick cold. I've got a dick flu. You said it as if all of us are going to be like, oh yeah, dick molds.

It's normal to me. I got it, but I know about it. Brian knows about dick molds. I have a tattoo of it. You should really maybe go like they give you a clay. You should maybe do a three second thing. Where the fuck did you see this dick mold?

One of my friends told me that he actually did this. That his girlfriend got this kit and he made a replica of his dick. Start the joke like that. Okay, I'll definitely do that. I need a one minute so I didn't know exactly how to start it out. You're just sort of like dick molds. Am I right?

I'm like, no. You're not right at all. You guys, let's all go down to the craft and hobby store and get our dick molds on. There could be some bits also about cheating the system, like you wrap toilet papers around your dick or something like that. Make it bigger.

You know what I mean? Wait, are you suggesting that he cheat on his dick molds? That's what I'm saying. Just looking at him, you know he has to cheat on his dick mold. Come on, guys. Wait, wait. Why did I agree with that? What was your point?

What would be the point of cheating on your dick mold? So you could sit there and look at it and go like, oh, that's my dick I'm lying about. So you could give it as a present and go, this is my molded dick dildo. And give it to girls for a present. Just have a bigger dick. I'm thinking I could get some of those photo pills. Where the fuck do you guys live? What world is this? Were you actually saying that to me seriously?

You know when you give a dick mold to a girlfriend. I could tell a squirter when I see one, man. That's what I'm saying. You don't even know what they're talking about when somebody asks you to DM them. What? Dick mold. I like that. DM.

It's almost midnight. Let's wrap this up. Are you talking about Daily Motion? Oh, yeah. Daily Motion should change his name to Dick Mold. You got a good attitude. You got a good attitude. Did you check out that Dickmold live streaming from the penthouse

of the Melfina Del Nina? It's just a little blood. I thought his first... What? Look at him, Mark, for the visual. I thought the first thing he was going to say is, Come on, come on, feel it, feel it. Feel the vibration.

When the comedians only do 60 seconds it leaves no room for... Don't leave. Don't you fucking leave. Who's leaving? I don't care. When the comedians are only doing 60 seconds it leaves no room for segues whatsoever. So I love that part where he goes straight out of it. So I'd give it to my gay friend, and he'd have my dick mold, too.

Pot's crazy nowadays. It just has to go right into the next thing. Pot's like next level. You smoke it, and all you can think about is dick molds. For your first time, that was amazing, man. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Thanks so much, guys.

Unbelievable. Best squad for life. Very interesting Twitter handle on him. You just witnessed his first time performing. It's at M-M-U-R-R-R-R. Two M's, a U, and four R's. Good luck with your career, Mark.

How about cat fartart Pizza 2? Expect negative three new fans after tonight. I beg you. I beg you to change your Twitter name to Dick Mold tomorrow. Yeah. Or do it tonight. The internet's open all night. You know that shit's already taken.

It's got to be Dick Mold 7. And sign up for affordable health care while you're at it. Dick underscore M mold 1193. It's going to be great. Perfect. Go. It's better than MMUR. My old angel fire.

Hat. Yeah, it could also be like mold on cheese, like Dick Mold. Your security, not talkativity. Your next comedian, everybody. He goes by the name of Scott Kidd. Hi, everybody. How y'all doing? I got to be gone in 60 seconds.

Kind of stressful. That's okay. I work well under pressure. That's why fat chicks like to fuck me why buy the cow when you got some magic beans be careful with those one of them's a morning after pill

found out the other day I got a girlfriend I found out cause my box of condoms turned into a box of tampons oh geez I woke up next to her The condoms turned into a box of tampons. Oh, jeez. I woke up next to her the other day. I thought I had my very first wet dream.

Turns out it was diarrhea. That's all I got. That's all I got. Okay, I'm going to drop the voice now. Yeah, I'm done. So you're going with the, you've made the weird guy decision. Yes. I'm going for the electric Pee Wee Herman.

We've seen this happen before, Doug. Yeah, yeah. You put a little thought into your weird guy. Harlan Williams and Neil Hamburger had a baby. Yeah. Yes. They named him Scott Kidd. How'd you feel about what happened? I had fun.

How about you, man? It was all right. But I felt like there was a lot of effort going into... That's my grandfather. That's how we talk. That's your grandfather? Hi, scoot-a-roo-da-poo-da-doo-da. Beep-bap, beep-bap, biddle-a-boo.

Did he say it in a silver suit? Is that really him? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Why don't you just do an impression of him and then do the act regular? I don't have a banjo.

You don't have a banjo? I don't have a banjo. Oh. What's that got to do with anything? That's what he used to play. I had no idea. It's like two spies meeting an alley. I don't have a banjo.

You don't have a banjo? I just think you've got to be careful with the weird guy decision because I think you've already hit the wall with your weird guy. Oh, man. Okay. Am I being mean? The weird guy decision is not a decision to make lightly.

Exactly. Because you've got to commit to this shit. You really have to fucking dive in. Can you do an hour of that? Like 20 years from now, people will come to JST. Do that. You can? You can do an hour of that?

Why not? For you. No, no, no. I'm just asking practical questions about your comedic future. You really can? You can do an hour of that? Prove it. Do it right now.

Who's in? Right now. Let's make history. Who's ready for an hour? Oh, jeez. No, no. Don't do it anymore. I'm just kidding.

But sometimes he can do the weird guy thing for a while until he finds his own true voice, Mark. Sometimes it's hard to get up and just be yourself right out of the gate. Maybe you should do the weird guy struggling with the you. Like, hey, look, I'm doing this. I hate myself.

Mark, Doug, was it hard to find your voice? Because it does take a couple years to find actually your voice, usually. Last week was when it happened for me. Really? Yeah. Yeah, it takes forever. But it's... And it's also not necessarily...

Like, character comics don't really exist that much anymore. Like, we don't see that many of them. But it's not like there's a rule that you can't do it. You can't succeed at it. You just better be really good. It seems like it's just hard to just kind of get by on oddness. You don't want uncomfortable laughter. You want genuine laughter.

So I think you could write really good jokes and probably deliver them in a more normal way. Oh, yeah. How many times have you done that? The thing is, it's weird. Doug, though, I knew Doug like 25 years ago. And do you ever watch... No, but do you ever watch those old Evening at the Improvs? I'm not that much different than I was, and neither are you. It's a weird thing.

You think you find your voice, but when I look at that guy, I'm like, I know that guy. It's me then. But it's not that different. Well, no, but that's truer of you than a lot of people. I had more of a shtick when I started. Oh, you had glasses. Yeah, glasses.

What a crazy shtick. That guy can't see for shit. What's he going to tell us? Yeah, I had glasses. But, you know, not so much the look. I'm just talking, I mean, the look also seems to fight against what you were doing. Because it's kind of a slick suit. You seem like you would

be... Card shuffler. Most people that wear that suit don't have a bag of jelly beans in their pocket. Or like you might be selling some lady bros on the street. Prop. What was that about? The prop was weird.

I don't have any pills. You went with a random array of jelly beans and Mike and I. Yeah, that is what it is. It's not even from one package. I wouldn't eat any of those because I swear you're trying to kill us. I'll tell you this. This is the only thing I'll say to you. There are no shortcuts.

That's it. Wow. That's a really great point. It really cuts in the heart of it, Mark. Just say that every time when you get out of here. Let me share something. Let me share something. I'm not trying to be mean.

Hey, didn't Larry the Cable Guy start off normal and then went country? Maybe he needs to go the opposite way. Start country, go normal. Thanks, buddy. There you go. The Patriot always with the best advice. Really enlightening over there. Yeah, you can evolve into a character.

It's hard to start in one. It was more of a hybrid. The jokes have been written and done. Regular? Yeah. Say one of them regular. Not the diarrhea one. And not any of the other ones. Do you have one more joke

you could say regular? It's going to take too long. Nah, fuck it. Come on. Do you guys want him to do a joke in his normal voice or what? All right, this one's dark. Good setup. All right, great.

I'm in. Okay. So the Grim Reaper, right? Grim Reaper touches you, you die, right? If he kisses you, you die. What if the Grim Reaper fucks you? You'd still be dead. What if the Grim Reaper kept fucking you?

Would that be considered necrophilia? But literally translated, necrophilia means the love of death. And since he's death, wouldn't that be considered a self-love? So all I'm thinking is, if the Grim Reaper ever fucks you, he's really just masturbating. Stick with the character. Yeah, do it again in the weird voice. Do it again in the weird voice.

He's really just masturbating. Yeah, that's better for that joke. Yeah, it is better for that one. See, sometimes even people that know comedy are wrong. Good luck with everything. Yeah, I think you got a future, Kid. Yeah. Literally.

Scott Kid just became a man. At Devo Kid on Twitter. D-E-V-O-K-I-D-D. This is not a great thing for me to do. Why? Because I always feel like I'm mean, and I'm not being mean. No, you're not being mean at all. Shut the fuck up.

Jeez, you're so mean. It's kind of great for you, Mark, because you get ten comics that are going to hate you and be uncomfortable around you in one sitting. Did I say anything that would piss any of those people off? Can I get nothing? They're all so mad they're not even going to raise their hands. I'm just trying to help.

You know what Tommy Morris at the comedy store says? It's a sin to praise mediocre comedy. So we cannot sin tonight. First of all, I heard your left arm twitch after you said that. Ah, you caught me again, Tony. He heard it.

It's a very defined noise. You ever think about using any WD-40 on that suit or anything? It's supposed to be dirty. You know he sent it battle-worn. That's an easy way to sell a cheap suit. I'm trying to remember my first joke.

Do you remember your first joke? My eyes won't stand out. If the light's too bright, then you won't see my eyes because it's a good contrast. Here's the thing, Patriot. Whatever you just said was interesting, but I'm going to talk about this. Calling these people who are just trying it for the first time mediocre is really not fair, because it's like they're putting themselves out there

and trying something new. Exactly. And that suit is not hiding your desperation. I know. Comedy is very difficult. I respect. I know it's not easy to do. Yeah, so we're not here to tell them they're mediocre.

No. We're here to tell them they fucking suck. No, we're here to try to help everybody. Those first few jokes are so hard. You don't remember your first joke? I just remember I had a lot of props. My first set was at the Comedy Store. Really?

And I had a bag full of props. Really? Really? Yeah. I would love to see that. At the Comedy Store. I had a bag full of props. Really? At the Comedy Store. And I got laughs and it encouraged me. So that's what I'm hoping everyone's getting tonight is the ones that are trying it for the first time

like that one guy. Do you happen to know Dana? Marky Mark. He got a really big laugh and I hope that spurs him forward. Because if that first time... did you get laughs the first time, Mark? I think I got

like... Because you have to get something, right? To make you want to come back for more. I think I got one or two laughs. Yeah. It's enough to make you come back. Then look what happened. I remember the panic of that. Like you'd wait around all fucking night

to do these five minute sets and then you keep getting bumped. And fourth, maybe five, three or four, three to five. There's a huge attrition rate in people that try it and then never do it again, you know? Not the people that go on Mondays. You know, they keep coming back no matter what, right?

Well, yeah, sometimes they're a little crazy, but... I just remember like, oh, my God. Was your guys' shit really dirty starting off? Like most stand-up comics when they first started off? No, I used to do a joke about having a roommate who was like a deadhead or something, and like he used to wake up in the morning and he'd open the fridge and he'd be like,

hey, orange juice and Jerry. It was something that fucking retarded. And then I used to take the mic stand and I'd put it on the stool and just let it sit there for a minute and just say, I recently went to the Museum of Modern Art and I just used to let the mic stand sit on the chair and people would be like,

oh, that's art. It was ridiculous. You were a prop comic too. No. I dealt with what I had. I would take out this stuffed penguin that I had. That was in the bag? It was in the bag, yeah.

It was this thing that I got where inside the penguin, there's a male penguin, but inside it was this plastic egg and then if you open up the egg there's like a little stuffed penguin baby penguin on the inside of it.

And so I would just hold the penguin and then squeeze it and the egg would pop out and then I'd open the egg and show everybody the baby penguin and then put all of it away. And that was the bit. I was very influenced by Andy Kaufman. And it got a laugh.

People would laugh every time I did it. I eventually stopped doing it. I was like, this is ridiculous. It's getting a laugh and I'm doing nothing. I'm just showing this thing. I used to use the mic stand as a like I think at the time

it was like before AIDS but herpes was something and I used it like pre-AIDS post-herp yeah post-herp but I don't remember the setup of the joke but I remember it was a doctor examining a dick at a distance with the mic stand like that

it was horrible we've come to your final comedian out of the bucket she goes by the name of 10 that's 10 but then of course we have our two regulars to close it oh wait really okay yep your final comedian out of the bucket is a lovely lady she goes by the name of Sarah Weinshank lady she goes by the name of Sarah wine shank what's up everyone I hate Jimmy Buffett I hate Jimmy Buffett okay I hate Jimmy Buffett people I hate Jimmy Buffett and I hate Jimmy Buffett people the people that go to see Jimmy Buffett I want you to imagine being at a concert,

watching a middle-aged man talking about how it's 5 o'clock somewhere with just fat people in Hawaiian t-shirts drinking daiquiris. Fat white people in Hawaiian shirts, guys, talking about it's 5 o'clock somewhere, you know? And I feel like most Jimmy Buffett fans, they became fans because someone said to another person, if you cover up one of those T's, it says buffet, so you know it's going to be good. Like Margaritaville? No.

I have bigger dreams. I'm not trying to go to Vegas and sit in fucking Margaritaville. I want to go to leave the country. These they're like, let's go to Vegas. Let's go to Vegas. We'll take out the coach. We'll just, you know, go to Margaritaville. And then we'll go back, come back to our cubicles. All right. I just have a, right out of the gate, I have a question.

What did Jimmy Buffett do to you? That was a real Jimmy Buffett rant. You were really after him. I worry that the audience doesn't relate to it because we're all sort of past finding that you're

too angry about Jimmy Buffett. Okay. But I like your passion. You're worked up as if this morning some Buffett-related incident went down that made him culturally relevant. Oh, you didn't hear Jimmy Buffett tried to crash the gates at the White House and an officer was injured. Yeah, but you're very angry and passionate, and that's good. I just directed at something more current. Okay.

Are you a squirter? Stop it. There are... Margaritaville is a current thing, Mark. It exists now in this world. Yeah, and it is 5 o'clock somewhere. Was your father an alcoholic? What's going on? No. Do you... Was your father an alcoholic? What's going on?

No. Do you drink? Sometimes, but not often. Okay, yes. That's probably why you find that whole mentality annoying. No. It's like, normally I lead into it. I first talk about ranch,

and then I move into how ranch people... It's all part of the same culture. Ranch? Yeah. People that use the condiment ranch like on everything. Oh, like ranch dressing? Yes. And how, to me, I associate that

with someone who would want to hear about cheeseburgers in paradise and that whole culture and how it just kind of like... The ranch dressing culture. The ranch dressing, like White America, like Walmart, like that. Right, you're doing a whole cultural attack. Yeah, so normally I like lead up to it

and it's not so angry, but I didn't say the ranch thing because I wanted to work out the Jimmy Buffett thing. So with the ranch thing, the Buffett thing would have made more sense. I think so. Okay. Well, you're not on trial here. You say you're working out something right now? Well, like, I've

done it, but I haven't done it like a bunch of times. You know what I mean? I think you're just asking on a deeper level. No, I meant like you only have one minute. You know what I mean? I think you're just asking on a deeper level. Weren't you? No, I meant like you only have one minute. It's like a special event. So you're just like working out like a joke right now? No, like I don't know because you guys give tags.

So I wanted to get some tags. Oh, let's give her some tags then. Not just tags, but just like feedback and advice. Jimmy Buffett, what an asshole. Jimmy Buffett can suck it. You're trying to characterize what you think is fucking sad about America. Yes. And for you, it's ranch dressing and Jimmy Buffett and Walmart. Well, yeah, but more like the people that go to these concerts.

That are like, I can't wait to go see Jimmy Buffett. And they're all wearing Hawaiian t-shirts and like lays on their neck and like spilling their daiquiris. And then they go home and they said, wow, that was so much fun. Yeah. But they're either Hawaiian shirts or t-shirts. There's no such thing as a Hawaiian t-shirt. Yeah.

I don't know. I get what you're trying to do. Hawaiian t-shirt. I get what you're trying to do. No, it's an area that's worth exploring, and you can continue to develop it. It's tricky when you're trying to attack an entire type of person. You've got to really pick the right things.

Yeah, like I'd go after, instead of Jimmy Buffett, I'd go after cat lovers. What's wrong with cat lovers, man? What's wrong? He's just taking a shot at me. Dude. Yeah, me and Mark are both insane cat lovers. Yeah, you're the insane cat posse, aren't you?

I mean, pussy. Boom! Yep. You know, Joey Diaz. Oh, are you talking again, security? Because we'd really like you to just, We'd like you to check the perimeter. Joey Diaz agrees with her on the ranch because he says

with buffalo wings, it's got to be blue cheese. I get what you're trying to do. I just think it's almost there. It's just a little too angry. Be more chill about how I dislike these things. Keep the anger. Just pick better references. Keep the anger.

Have you been to Toby Keith's I Love This Place? That might be more fun to make fun of. Because honestly, Jimmy Buffett people, they're usually sort of comfortable wealthier white dudes. You're trying to attack... Nobody here I think is

for or against Jimmy Buffett. No one has really filed their opinions. I think I have a little bit of a problem with him. Yeah. See, you're speaking to somebody. Just like, I feel like when I looked up the tour dates, it was all in the middle of nowhere. She looked up the tour dates, you guys.

Yeah, I did. She did a lot of deep research. I read, I won the Jimmy Buffett message. That should be the whole dates. It was all in the middle of nowhere. She looked up the tour dates, you guys. Yeah, I did. She did a lot of research. That should be the whole bit. So I was on the internet looking up Jimmy Buffett tour dates for this routine, and I got angry. I did. I got really angry. All right. Thank you very much. He's performing

nowhere near me, and I've got a Hawaiian t-shirt that I want to wear. She's on Twitter at Princess Shank. S-H-E-N-K. All right. Shank. One more comic until we get to our regulars. We actually found this. Yeah.

There's three more comics until we get to our four regulars. And then we'll wrap it up with our semi-regulars. Next comedian, Jerron Horton, everybody. An audience favorite. together for your next comedian. Jaron Horton, everybody. An audience favorite. I'm not a very intimidating looking guy. So the gangbangers don't really take me seriously

out here. Last week I accidentally wore a blue UCLA shirt in a blood neighborhood. Them niggas told me to stay in school. Like I went to high school with these gang members, okay? They didn't respect me there either. Senior year they voted me most likely to still be alive in 10 years.

Like I'm a punk or something. Oh no. I am light-skinned, that's probably why I don't get much respect. It sucks like white people ask me shit they won't ask no light-skinned. That's probably why I don't get much respect. It sucks. Like, white people ask me shit they won't ask no dark-skinned person. I like black people. I really do.

But why did all of y'all vote for Obama? I'm not even going to assume because I'm black I voted for Obama. I'm a felon. I can't vote. Wow. It's true. I am a felon, though. It's true, I am a felon, though. It's true. It is. In Georgia, where I'm from,

it's illegal for a black man to go to college. There you go. Thank you. Okay, first question for me is did you seriously vote for Obama? What's that shit about? There you go. Thank you. Yeah. Okay, first question for me is, did you seriously vote for Obama? What's that shit about?

What the fuck? Actually, I overslept. I was going to vote for him. Overslept a whole day? I overslept the final day of registration. Oh, of registration. So if he would have lost, I would have felt like... Well, that's what they wanted you to do.

Good job. I thought you had some good jokes, man. That was great. Oh, registration. So if he would have lost, I would have felt like... Well, that's what they wanted you to do. Good job. I thought you had some good jokes, man. That was great. That was great. I just opened with a joke because I have no criticism of what you just did. Yeah.

Thank you. You connected with the crowd, mostly because they're scared of you, but you made them feel better by constantly talking about how non-threatening you are. Thank you. There's some point of view there,

and it's good. Thank you. I appreciate that. Heck yeah. You know, I mean, absolutely. It's unbelievable. Jerron Horton, everybody. There he is. What can you say other than that's it? Let's really quick, though. I'd really like to know what the Patriot thinks of... Yeah, good question. What do you say other than that's it? Let's really quick, though. I'd really like to know what the patriot thinks of... Yeah, good question.

What did you think of that? That was about as funny as a heart attack. No, I liked it. I liked it. I think Jerron's got a bright future ahead. Were you trying to be mean at first? No, I was just kidding. Sometimes I'm just kidding, brother.

That was good. I liked that. I see a bright future for him. Every time he's been at the comic store, I like that guy. He's very professional. I understand why you made the heart attack reference, because, of course, you have that artificial heart in your chest that, you know, if it gets unplugged, you could die.

Yes. So it's important to you. Yes. You're the messiah of marijuana. There you go. Wow. You know, I've always liked the Patriot, but I did not know what a truth teller he was.

To close out every show ever since its inception, we've had two lovely young ladies who every single week, they're the only two regulars on the show, and every week they come out with a new 60 seconds of material. They started on the show. Yes, and come out with a new 60 seconds of material. They started on the show. Yes, and they've been with us ever since.

One of them's in the back right now going, fuck, what am I going to do about my Jimmy Buffett material? And they're both females, which is weird because females they get shit on as a stand-up comic. It's weird seeing a stand-up comic start.

And they get called females. Like it's some sort of weird fucking alien species. comic. It's weird seeing a stand-up comic start. They get called females. It's some sort of weird alien species. We got some females coming out here, everybody. You don't shit on females, do you, Redman? No, I love female comics. I shit in their mouths.

You've shit on a girl, though. In their mouths, not on them. Oh, Jesus. Hiyo. Hiyo. He likes to challenge, not on them, in them. Right. He gets it right in there.

The poop in their butt. No. The double. All right. It's always good to take a premise that didn't work initially. Right. And then double on. Let's hammer that shit.

The poop in the butt. And they are here with us tonight. So to get it started, she was with us episode one. She's with us here tonight. Put your hands together for Sarah Mostadjab. What's up, guys? So I'm bisexual. About the same reaction from my parents.

Or as the guys I date like to call it, yes. Which I know what they're thinking. They're thinking like threesomes. They're going to think like, yeah, this is going to happen. But the last thing I want to see is some other dude fucking my girl. So that's for sure not going to happen. But the last thing I want to see is some other dude fucking my girl. So that's for sure not going to happen. I've been sleep internet surfing. I get on the internet

and I look up kittens and I email people about kittens. I think my subconscious has completely misunderstood what pussy hunting is about. All right, that's what I have. Thank you, guys. Yeah.

How much under was that? 37 seconds. Less than that, actually. I stopped late. So it's actually like 30 seconds. Want to do some more? I'm always coming up a little short. I had another joke in that same pocket is that I'm bisexual because

I guess being disappointed by one gender wasn't enough for me. I don't know. I'm still because I guess being disappointed by one gender wasn't enough for me. I don't know. I'm still in that. What? Did somebody just bark at me? It's a meow. Get it right.

Someone barked? I thought it was. Did anybody bark out there? Am I just hearing? Not only am I asleep looking at cats, I'm hearing them? Okay. The girl with dogs in her head. Life's not going well.

Tell us, could you repeat all of your jokes one at a time that you did tonight and then we'll critique them because I liked it, but I've already forgotten all of it. Use your microphone voice, Mark. He can't even sit up in his chair at this point. She's bisexual and she disappointed her parents.

Oh, I like the joke about she doesn't want some dude fucking her lady. Right, yeah. That was good. True. Yeah, I like that one. And what else was there? About the sleep. And I literally have been sleep internet surfing and emailing people about kittens.

You really did that? I wake up in the morning to text message of pictures of kittens. They're like, hey, do you want this cat? I'm like, no, I do not. That is not the pussy I was looking for. Sorry. And you did that while you're sleeping? I've done it twice.

Do you take the sleeping pill? What's it called? No, I just. The one that makes you sleepwalk? I've done it twice. Do you take the sleeping pill? What's it called? The one that makes you sleepwalk? Ambien? Take Ambien? No, I just drink a lot. I drink myself to sleep. I will know.

My brain is processing so many. I have to turn it off. I liked it when you said pussy hunting. That sounds fun to me. Sounds like a fun activity. It is a difficult prey. Put on like an orange vest and go pussy hunting.

What do you end up saying in these emails that you send in the middle of the night about cats? I just said, text me about the kittens. That's what both times the email said,

text me about the kittens. Do they get back to you? They text me literally a picture of a kitten and I'm like, oh, thank you. I'm not ready for that responsibility. Thank you.

What I really want was a picture of your pussy. Yeah, that's actually way better. Yeah. Wrong pussy. Yeah, have some more knick-a-rat. I'm going to keep hammering that idea because I think it's really funny. Right. Where's the pussy picture?

But that was so... How does that stack up? Fuck your kitten. You guys have seen her every time. How does that stack up against her previous performances? She's got point of view. She's bisexual and likes to drink. Yeah.

Yeah, those are good points of view. Whiskey. Yeah, I should add that. Tony, are you still involved in this podcast? Yeah. Yeah. Some of that was from last week. She didn't really excite us because we're just kind of used to this shit.

Yeah, I got an email that said go ahead and do stuff that you've done before. Oh, okay. Because this is a big show for you. Yeah. Do stuff that works. Big fun room to perform in. Did you feel comfortable? Did you enjoy yourself? Yeah, I always have fun. It's great. Big fun room to perform in. Did you feel comfortable? Did you enjoy yourself? Yeah, I always have fun. It's great.

I'm glad to be here. I think you seem very comfortable with it. I think you're going to do fine. Definitely. Yeah, she's going to do great. Born and started right on Kill Tony episode one. I've been doing it for three months. 19 weeks that we've been doing this. Wow, that's tantric. There you go. Doing it.

Get it, Mark? Yeah. Just fucking have another Nicorette. Why are you yelling at me? Why did I become the enemy, Doug? A guy who has no enemies. Keep it going for Sarah Mostajabi, everybody. On Twitter, she's at Sarah Dressass. You can watch her go up in Popper Cherry.

You can watch her bleed. Episode two. And your final... If you want to watch the other Kill Tonys, there was a lot of debate about the way she dressed. And if females should dress sexy when they do comedy or dress down so people pay attention to their jokes.

She didn't wear underwear. You could see her fucking pussy lips in one of the episodes. And it was really uncomfortable. And we had to talk to her about it and then two episodes later she had it. This isn't true what you're saying. Yeah, it actually is.

She had like a camel toe you're saying? It was more than a camel toe. It was like two camels. Not true? It was like a camel. It came on a half at least. Come on, Tony. Let the ladies wear what they want. Really? I don't know about what you've worn in the ladies wear what they want. Yeah. Really? Yes.

I don't know about what you've worn in the past, but tonight you were dressed perfectly. It's nothing worse than a bunch of guys. You are our final comedian of the night, again, with us since episode one. She just cut short her family reunion in Florida to be back for this podcast specifically. Put your hands together for Kimberly Congdon, everyone. Don't ask me shit because I've gone

fishing. In my brain, most things are gone, bitch. Come on, guys. What's going on? Nothing. Mark, you're not supposed to let her do her minute without your interjecting. I turned 23

last week. I did. And 23 is a really weird age because I think it's where people expect you to be responsible, but I just can't financially, you know? Like, I know that when I get invited to a party, I'm supposed to bring a dish, but I'm still going for the free food, you know?

I know I'm supposed to pay rent, but I'd rather just build my apartment out of all the parking tickets I get. Even my relationships are poor guys. Like, um, I'm dating, you know, like at this age, you date people your own age and they don't have money either. The last guy I was dating, we were making out, it was getting super hot. He started feeling on my booty and I was like, are you taking change out of my pocket? You know? He was like

tonguing my mouth and then I realized he was taking my fillings. He was taking your what? Fillings. And then I go into how he pawned my NuvaRing. Wow. Oh, that's the best, Brian.

I know, I was excited for it. Brian, what's wrong with you? Because all the other shit sucked, that's why. That was your worst week you've done, by the way. Really? Why do you yell at the girls? What is wrong with you? That's rough.

Sometimes you gotta give them tough love. Every time we've been a little bit real or mean to either one of them, they come back next week and dismount on applause breaks. That's incredible. But that was your worst week. So what you're saying is what a woman needs is you guys to... To fucking be rough on them. Get their shit together.

Let them know that it didn't work. Tony, you're like half a girl. There was a disconnect for me on the that you would have change in your back pockets. Like you were stealing out of your booty and got some change. But that NuvaRing thing, like getting there is totally worth it. That's a really

funny joke. As Brian just said, your best joke. So he told you you were awful and that you also told your best joke. No, your best joke he didn't say. That's what I'm saying. All those other jokes were okay. You fucked up and waited until after the stupid noise he made to say the best part.

But you know what? You still got it in because everyone can hear what we're saying right now. And I think it was, you know, like sometimes you need a whole minute to get to a good punchline. Right, Mark? Right. Sometimes you need a whole minute to get to a good punchline. Right, Mark? Sometimes you need five, Doug. I need 420 minutes, my friend. But yeah, the Nubering thing is really funny.

Did you just make a 420 joke? I'll keep that one. I'll get rid of the rest. That's fresh for you. Watch the new habit. I've noticed at one. I'll get rid of the rest. That's fresh for you. Watch the new habit that I've noticed a lot. At least four, five, six ya knows coming out of nowhere. It seems like a new

thing that's appearing. Yeah, yeah. Try to switch those up with an occasional yum. Or anything other than. Or I mean. Really, Tony? The guy who segues with, ah, that's interesting. That was once. I mean, what am I supposed to say about the uncircumcised microphone?

I mean, come on. You just said I mean twice. Yeah, you fuck. You know, I didn't expect this to happen. Kimberly Congdon, everybody. She's actually on Twitter. We did it. That's it.

Doug Benson. Wait, what did the Patriot think of her? Good question. He's seen her every week. She's come a long way since the beginning. I really like the way she comes up and addresses the crowd. Could you just talk normal instead of through a walkie-talkie? And she's talking about a lot of the problems of being 23.

You know, she'd go to a party. She needs free food. What was she saying about the rent she's going to pay for parking tickets? I asked for your opinion, not a recap. Now's not the time to ask us questions, Patriot. He's at ComicPatriot on Twitter.

Thank you guys so much for being here. You want to promote anything? Doug, you're here tomorrow with the podcast. Thank you for having me. I hope it went okay for you. Is that right? Oh, yeah. Oh, that was amazing. I actually was expecting to be the one that got it went okay for you. Is that right? That was amazing. I actually was expecting to be the one that got it the worst from you the whole time

and I noticed some chaps, but it wasn't that bad. I'm just going to drink away my sorrows tonight. It was fun. It was so much fun to have you guys. Unbelievable. Mark Barrett on Twitter. Doug Benson on Twitter. Mark, anything you want to promote right now?

Oh, yeah, I'm going to be at the Ice House in Pasadena on the 13th. And Wednesdays at 4.15 Pacific Standard Time, go to youtube.com slash Doug Benson for Getting Doug with High. Jeff Ross is the next guest on Wednesday. My good friend. And Kill Tony is every Monday night at 8 o'clock live from the Comedy Store. It's happening. This was episode 19. Join us

Monday for 20. Thank you guys so much for being here. Thank you so much. Comic Patriot. Comic Patriot on Twitter. Thanks, guys. Dick Maltz. Squad.tv. Let's try it. Bye.