KILL TONY - KILL TONY #190

Episode Date: January 17, 2017

Big Jay Oakerson, Doug Benson, Dom Irrera, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 01/02/2017 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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So if you like Kill Tony and want to watch it on video, click on videos at DeathSquad.tv. Also click on tour dates if you want to see where we're at next. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday atay at the road famous comedy store in hollywood california every first and third friday we have the secret show at the ice house in pasadena california and every first wednesday of the month we have the huge giant secret show in the main room of the comedy store. That one's huge. The next one's February 1st. So that's always a lot of fun, so check that out. Also, me and Tony are going to be at the 16th Annual 2017 San Francisco Sketch Fest. That's this Saturday.

I believe our show's around 3 o'clock in the afternoon. You can sign up if you want to sign up 15 minutes before the show. We're going to be there. You can get tickets. Go to sfsketchfest.com. If you want to sign up 15 minutes before the show, we're going to be there. You can get tickets. Go to sfsketchfest.com. Again, that's sfsketchfest.com to get your tickets. Please join us in San Francisco this Saturday.

Also, me and Tony are going to the Moon Tower Comedy Festival in April. And that's April 21st. So check that out. You can also check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website TonyHinchcliffe.com there you have all his different tour dates he's doing and check out Ryan J. Ebelt's website he's the house artist he draws every episode

and he sells them he sells the prints that he makes it's really cool he also has a Kill Tony poster and last but not least go to ShopSquad.TV. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. There's a couple hoodies and a couple shirts left, but not many.

So check it out, ShopSquad.TV. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from the real famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 5. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff! Wow! Hello, everybody. Make some noise here at the number one live podcast in the world. Holy shit.

This is exciting. Another beautiful day. 2017 is amongst us. Yes. And this show, Kill Tony, is going to Austin, Texas, Moon Tower, April 20th, and we're going to Sketch Fest January 27th. Seventh.

Maybe a different day. January 27th. No. Nope. Oh. All rightth. No? Nope. Alright. 21st maybe? Something like that. Google it. TonyHinchcliffe.com has all the tour dates. That's right. It sure does. All updated. You guys ready

to have a fun show or what? Hey look everybody, it's Josh Martin at JoshMartinComic on Twitter. Running around making sure everything's set up properly. The 21st, Saturday, January 21st. 8 p.m. in San Francisco. The show that you're at right now in its home field of the Comedy Store

will be at San Francisco Sketch Fest. You guys ready to start the show or what? Huh? Huh? Ryan J. Ebelt is here drawing tonight's episode back from his home state of Texas. Powerful Jamie Vernon on the HD camera in the back with his new white powerful hoodies. Not the best marketing

way to describe it, but the hoodie says powerful and the color is white. They are white powerful hoodies. They're actually pretty awesome. He's wearing one. I want one. I don't know if you make it in Boys Extra Small, but

I want one. Let's get the show started. Should we bring up the band or the guests? Let's bring up the guests. Let's bring up the guests first. Let's do that. Actually, let's not do that. Let's bring up the band first. I changed my mind. You know the band. You love the band.

I've missed the band. Some have been here. Some have been out of town for the last few weeks. They all took different weeks off. But they're all back together. Put your hands together for the entire Keltoni band. It's Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel Jimenez. Holy shit.

Oh, wow. It's a New Year's entrance. Whoa. Wow. Oh wow, it's a New Year's entrance! Wow! Wow! Yes! I love it! We should have done the guests first! Ha ha ha!

We totally should have done the guests first! How about that? How's that for an entrance? It's the Kill Tony band, ladies and gentlemen. Here they are. Three of the funniest human beings on the planet. Human beings that crack me the fuck up. Jeremiah, that's your New Year's Eve getup? Yeah.

I'm fancy. Love it. Well, welcome back, guys. Let's have some fun. You ready to meet tonight's guests ladies and gentlemen huh you guys like guests usually i keep the guests a secret pretty much every single week but i got excited and wanted to start 2017 with a bang so i already leaked it you guys know who they are three of the funniest fucking human beings on the entire planet all at

once let's see how loud this place can get for Dom Irera, Big Jay Oakerson, and Doug Benson. Here they come. Dom Irera. Big Jay Oakerson. Any way you guys want to do this. And the great Doug Benson, ladies and gentlemen. Come on. Grab a seat.

Get in here. Get in here, scoot in. Oh, God. Fuck yeah. Get in close, guys. Welcome Oh, God. Fuck yeah. Get in close, guys. Welcome. Doug, have a seat. Because I got...

Yeah, that's you. I can't think of the word, but I did it. There you go. Welcome back. Big Jay Oakerson is here, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Make some noise. Make some noise.

New one-hour Comedy Central special. Great show on CISO that I just did. When's that coming out? April. What's your fucking deal? Catch that on CISO in April. You've bumped us up, dude. We were in the belly room last time.

This thing's gotten fucking for reals. Yeah, we have fun. Every other Monday we switch down to the main room. Sick. History soaked stage. And we let fucking crazy people come up and do 60 seconds. Here's the Rose Bowl, come on. Dom Irera's back, everybody.

Look at him, come on. It's been a while since he's been on. He has parties on Monday nights during football season. And clearly also he's been training boxers in his spare time. I like this. The corner man you look like. I like that hat. My fucking eyes are drooping. It's not funny, Tony.

So, I mean, you guys are all here. You've all done this show before. Let's just jump right into it. Guys, you know how it works. We talk to comedians after they do 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage. They get to comedians after they do 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage. They get to do whatever they want for 60 seconds. 40, 50 some people signed up before tonight's show. Their names are on

pieces of paper in this bucket right here. Absolutely anyone can sign up for this show before the show starts. Sometimes it's some of the brightest young talents that just moved here that are here to take over. Sometimes it's completely insane people. Like, to extreme levels.

Is there ever nudity? Yeah, there has been a couple times. There's been glimpses of it. Early on, there was nudity. We've cleaned it up since then. But somehow, I mean, like... No dong tonight?

They're not going to see a little dong? There's a woman named Aphrodite who keeps her clothes on, but it's so wrong that you think her clothes are off. Yeah. Oh, okay. That's fair. I don't know if she's in the bucket tonight, but let's start the show.

Comedians and people that signed up for the show, you know how it works. You get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There you go.

That's very good. Okie dokie. Alright. Okay. It's going to be one of those nights. You guys ready to start the show? Main room, comedy store, first show of 2017. There's still confetti falling down from the rooftops. Your first Kill Tony performer of 2017 with an uninterrupted 60 seconds,

and then we get to talk to him or her about anything in the world. Put your hands together for Jeff Wallace, everybody. Here we go. Mom's spaghetti. Here it comes. Come on up. Jeff Wallace, everybody. Come on. Huh. All right. I didn't expect that to happen. How's it going, guys? All right, great. Okay, not a lot of time.

A lot of people say I look like Brad Pitt. In the movie Benjamin Button? Does I, too, look like an 80-year-old, 20-year-old? I don't know what age is. It just doesn't seem to assault me. Anyhow, I tried to get laid recently. I don't know if age is. It just doesn't seem to assault me. Anyhow, I tried to get laid recently. I don't know if you guys ever do that. But I've been catching up on Heroes on Netflix. It was a good show.

Anyhow, I meant to text this girl, Yo, girl, you're missing out on a killer episode of Heroes. But if you don't notice, the O and the P on a keyboard on your phone is like right next to each other. And if you spell heroes, it's H-E-R-O-E-S. And if you spell herpes, it's H-E-R-P-E-S. What I actually texted this girl is, yo, girl, you're missing out on a killer episode of herpes. She still came over.

She thought she had the green light. Big red cold sore. That's what it was. Anyway, thanks. Jeff Wallace. There he is. Fuck yeah. How's it going, Jeff?

Is this your first time coming to the show? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like the show. Great show. I listen to all the podcasts. I wish I had taken notes during your thing, because all I could think of during it was, there's a lot of jokes in here, but all of them need work.

Okay, all right, okay. I thought it was clever how you do the setup but no punchlines. Oh, damn it. It's such a tease. Yeah, you're the M. Night Shyamalan of joke telling. People keep hoping for a twist, but no thank you. I don't know if it's because I'm stoned,

but don't the three neon signs look like me, Doug, and Dom? Well, here at the Comedy Store, they love the legendary stand-up comics like Oliver Hardy. Jeff Wallace. I think that's Ed Wynn over there. I believe it's Ed Wynn, you know. Hey, I grew up with those guys. Easy. So, Jeff, how long have you been doing stand-up?

About, I think, four years now. Wow. Where at? Is that too long? Yeah. Where at? What were you like when you started? What?

What were you like when you started? Pretty much the same. Pretty much the same. Wow. Where have you been when you started? That was pretty much the same. Wow. Where have you been doing it at? Visalia, California. Where? Visalia, California. Magic Mountain.

No, no, no. Oh, much further than that. I was thinking of Valencia. Have you ever been there? They have good oranges. Do they? I like oranges. I just don't remember his jokes. I remember he had a lot of them.

Do you really have herpes, Jeff? No. Not really. Make out with Tony. You might as well have just said yes straight up. Oh, shit. How is your love life? It's going relatively well.

My love life is going relatively well, said the gentleman from the south. Relatively well. I'm dating mostly relatives. Oh, come on, Doug. That's the joke I was making. It took a while. Oh, man. Oh, come on, Doug. That's the joke I was making.

It took a while. Oh, man. If I had to give real comedy advice, it would be take 800 words out of that telephone dialing thing. Okay, all right. I really wasn't expecting to get up here. I do enjoy the show, but, like, holy shit. Okay. Right, it's a lot of pressure.

How old are you, Jeff? I'm 36. 36. Older than you, which is weird because it seems that, you know, you Older than you which is weird because It seems that you're older than me For some reason It does not seem like that whatsoever To anyone

At all to no one would ever In a million years no matter who they are Guess that I am older than you I don't know what kind of rose colored glasses You're looking at life through But obviously the ones you were wearing when you wrote those

fucking jokes that you did up here tonight. Because you are way off, sir. No, it's because of your experience and how good you are. And you're like Cate Blanchett to his Benjamin Button. What do you do for work, Jeff? I'm in sales.

What are you selling? European architectural Jeff? I'm in sales. What are you selling? European architectural hardware. I'm in sales. Like you tried to put an extra spin on the word sales. I'm in sales. No, it's nothing fancy at all. I'm in sales. Does he sort of look like a college party rapist? Yes, sort of, definitely.

It's like looking for a guy that raped that party a snap shirt and like the kegger fucking cup and I'm wearing wallet chains for fashion and I can spot that

that is a nice wallet chain you have there thank you this week on Kill Tony the bucket is only people that are part of

we're doing a sting operation so if we call your name there's a good chance you're going to be arrested. Jeff, what's the worst thing you've ever done? I've done a lot of terrible things. You answer the question then, Jeff. I don't know if I can really talk about it. I've fallen out of a tree before on my head.

Wait, what? It's not like the worst thing I've intentionally done. It was relatively unintentional. Are you visiting LA or do you live here? I live here. I live in Long Beach. How long have you lived here? A year. Awesome.

How far away is Valusa or whatever? Visalia. Visalia is about four hours. North. Yes. Visalia is like Fresno adjacent, right?. Yeah. Is there a comedy scene there? Visalia is like Fresno adjacent, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There you go. I've actually been there before. I know the central coast. You've been to Visalia? Yeah. Okay. Doug, you're so prideful of your California geography knowledge. You got to play every shithole town in this state when you start out as a comic here.

My friend's wife tried to have sex with you. What? Yeah. Oh, sorry. It didn't work out for her. She probably is as well. Wow, this got dark. She's dead. She killed herself.

It'd be kind of a badge of pride to be in somebody's suicide note, wouldn't it? Hell yes. Do you have any special skills or talents or hobbies that you're into, Jeff? I love this question. I wish I knew how to do the yo-yo very well. I unfortunately don't. Well, so many of us wish that we were more accomplished yo-yoists.

Is there an answer to the question? No, I'm a writer. I do that. What do you write? I write short stories and screenplays. Obviously, they haven't been sold or anything. You write very long jokes. I'm sorry. Don't apologize.

He's got a lot of guts. He stayed up here. Give him some credit. Hell yeah. He stayed up here. He didn't run after his set. I left Dom. I'm not running.

Well, Jeff. Did you say you're not funny? I'm not running. Apparently I'm not funny either. No. Stop it. I mean, you're not. You're definitely not, Jeff.

I completely disagree with you on that. Alright, well you'll have to send in a tape for us to post it on YouTube Do you listen to your sets? Have you ever listened to your sets? A lot of editing They've already said but if you listen to it

yourself you'll see it A lot of times you're on stage you just babble like myself and you have no idea until you listen to it the next day. There you go. Brian just rubbing it in at this point. All four people told you the same thing. He steps away from the soundboard just to repeat it.

Pretty much dead air for 20 seconds. I want to hear what you guys have to say. He's saying listen to what you're doing and then change all of it. I got some laughs, guys. Come on. You got some. We're just fucking with you, on. Please take nothing I say worth anything. You just play such a good victim.

It's great. That really is it. He did a good job, actually. That's not funny. That's the only thing I'm remembering from this is he just said he actually did a good job. And the qualifier of actually never brings any compliment down at all, actually.

It's fine. It's fine. Taking it home with me. Yeah, take it, put it in your pocket, walk around with it. There you go. Stay mediocre forever, brother. Oh, shit.

Whoa, that's the biggest diss? Mediocre? I thought that was a fucking compliment compared to what he did. Mediocre is the middle, right? Yeah. Four years? Four years mediocre is good.

Mediocre. Alright guys, he did pretty good. Let's move on. Let's not dig a sad hole at the beginning of the show. Give it up for this guy, everybody. Wow. Jeremiah. Wow.

Unbelievable. Is this what happens in Trump's America? this guy, everybody. Wow. Wow. Jeremiah. Wow. That's why I like Jeremiah. Unbelievable. Is this what happens in Trump's America? There you go. Jeff Wallace, everybody. Jeff L. Wallace. A guy in the band gets to just do that? Go. Hey, Tony. Four years mediocre is like ten years fine.

If it was like his first, you know, I don't know. If it was one of his, you know, I don't know. If it was one of his, yeah, By the way, to get on the stage is right over here. Just go over here. If you're a comic, you're supposed to be sitting over there anyways. Yeah, sit where you're supposed to sit. Yeah.

Fuck Jeff. Goddamn comics roaming around like you're some sort of special individual that should be listened to. Yeah. There was something... Yeah. There was something likable about that guy, and I like that our functioning retard

stuck up for him. I appreciate that. Yeah. Let's not dig a sad hole. Oh, now you're going to turn it against me for being a positive poly? Screw you, Tony Hinchcliffe. Let's keep this show going.

Right, guys? Oh, I can't believe you guys fall for that nice guy bullshit. He's phony. He hates you people. He thinks you're fucking peasants. Guys, I love you guys. Reach out to me on social media.

At Jeremiah Stand-Up. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Alex Hanna. Everybody. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Alex Hanna, everybody. Thank you. Hollywood, baby! Hollywood, baby! We're doing it nice in Hollywood tonight!

I have to do the comic cliche dating so hard. Oh man. I think it's because girls nowadays are into very low drama relationships, which sucks for me because I'm into very high drama relationships. I will be wearing a Phantom of the Opera mask every time I go down on you, and that's on my Tinder profile. I think that's enough. Thank you so much. One minute?

A whole minute? That was 35 seconds. Thank you. I couldn't even write a tweet in the amount of time that you were... Boom. We get it in, we get it out. Just jokes. Not sexually, but...

I don't know about you guys, I kind of miss his early stuff. Man, I love me some Dom Herrera. He's so funny. Tony, this kind of looks like if someone put you in the microwave. It's like a fucking David Lynch movie. I'm terrified. I'm very uncomfortable. I think personally I look better than Tony, but that's just me.

Again, two people in a row that are very confused. I don't know what your guys' mirrors are caked in at home, but way off. Just Vaseline. I've got an important question for you. Is your mother back at the motel is your is there a skeleton back at the

motel waiting for you to wrap up your night of spoken word dead in this scenario if I answer your riddles can I enter your forest? Alex. How old are you?

How old am I? 24. Wow. I got a baby face. What? How are the Elijah Wood face change procedures going for you? Is the one ear, did you ever... Are you due back on the Shire? The one ear hangs out a little more than the other.

Oh, is that true? I used to have huge ears when I was a baby, like a kid. Yeah. And I really grew into them. Unfortunately, is that true? I used to have huge ears when I was a baby, like a kid. Yeah. And I really grew into them. Unfortunately not both of them. That's interesting because one sort of hangs off like Yoda or something like that. Like Yoda? It's all good,

dude. One of my balls. Hangs off it does. Are we emotionally hanging this kid in the locker by his underwear? I think we are. I love it. Now I feel like Emilio Estevez. Is this a remake of Lucas? I'm too young for that reference.

What is that movie? There was a nerdy child in a film and he was treated poorly, but he was a nice kid. Thank you, Doug. You're welcome. Yeah, I enjoyed... Can I give him a compliment on his set?

Sure, we can talk about his set. I like when people say words funny, and I like the way you say opera. Oh, thank you so much, Doug. You called it an opera. What do you do for work? I nanny. Fuck yeah. I'm sorry I wasted any of our time with that opera shit. We got a

nanny on our head. How long have you been nannying for? Year and a half. of shit. We got a nanny on our head. Fa fa fa! How long have you been nannying for? A year and a half. That's got to be called something else than nannying. Alex, that's the gap. Someone

gives you their kids and then goes I'm going to split for a while. Just one kid. One kid? I'm good with split for a while. Just one kid. One kid? I'm good with kids. I bet. Let me ask you this. You did 35 seconds? Oh, I did 35 seconds?

Yeah, 35. What were the other 25 of them? Oh, just other one-liners. Can you give us an example of something remotely fucking funny? Yeah, you should do a minute when they say, can you sit with the kids for two hours? Do you leave after an hour and 15? Tom, I got an idea. Let's give him his last

25 seconds. Tom, sit on a stool over there and let him sit on your lap and put your hand up his ass and you say funny things. And just move his mouth. Let me hear one of the jokes we missed. Oh, that's all I prepared for tonight. A minute is such a weird amount of time to give a comedian. You have to start strong, which I feel like I did. You did. You can't remember one one-liner?

Like a sentence? But that's such a weird thing to tell a joke. That's like telling a joke to somebody. This is episode 190 of the show that you're on right now, Alex. You only did half your time, though. It's okay. Let me ask you another question. How dare you not know the specific number of episodes there have been?

You just show up here all willy-nilly, not knowing what episode you're on? Exactly. Wow. Don't you know how it works, Alex? Where are you from? Get your shit together. The bullied becomes the bully. I started comedy in Seattle. You started comedy in Seattle. Oh. Wow. Don't you know how it works, Alex? Where are you from? Get your shit together. The bully becomes the bully. I started comedy in

Seattle. You started comedy in Seattle. Oh. How long have you been in LA? About two years now. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up comedy? Any hobbies or fun skills or talents that you have other than nannying?

I just like to play video games. You got any one-liners about that? Playing video games? Yeah. Yeah, you know you run jokes at an open mic. You try to remind them. You try to do this. Tell us a one-liner about video games.

Go. Doug, you're beating him up the whole way through it. He tried to tell it three times. He's like, you know when you're, come on. When you play video games, do it now! I got a one-liner about video games. Don't take pauses in your one-liner. I got a one-liner

about video games. Okay. Alright. Uh-huh. Okay, my bomb. Okay, you know my favorite part about black porn is when it goes, EA Sports. it's in the game. There you go. Alex, you talked about...

Off the top of my dome. Dome piece. I think we all need to acknowledge that Patty just killed right there. Okay. Okay. You really on Tinder? Yeah, I'm really on Tinder. How's your dating life?

What's that look like? It's fine. I like meeting people in real life. I don't like meeting people online, though. I play so many video games, you'd think it'd be easy to meet people online, but it's harder than you think. I don't like these matches.

I look like a kid, so I match with people who also like kids, and that's not who I vibe with. Oh, shit. Please tell me you talk about that. Yeah, that's a joke. Let's just talk about real life, though. Can we please stop asking this guy to do jokes?

I know it's become a running gag, but if we just stay in the pocket here for a second. It's like having a regular person be like, do your act except you're all famous people who I like. You should add to your Tinder profile still breastfeeding. That's funny. Yeah Yeah play right into it So let's talk about a date that you've gone on In just real life

Is that a thing? Yeah the last night I went on I went to the drawing room And I had like a nice conversation with this gal Mousy headed blonde Mousy headed blonde? What does that mean? What era? She had a rat face?

She had whiskers? Whiskers and was eating cheese? You know, when you can, like, make the transformation to, like, on The Lion King on Broadway very easily, you're like, oh, yeah, just put some whiskers on her and she's a mouse. You know, like that? Okay.

You're a funny guy. I thought I did. I think you guys are, like,? Okay. You're a funny guy. I thought I did. I think you guys are, like, really ripping into people, but I like it because I like this show. You think of the two comedians tonight we've been ripping into everybody? Yeah, but, yeah. I try not to rip into anybody while I'm here.

Look, I mean, I get it. Your opening, how you came on stage was awesome. I would kill to be able to do that. That was hilarious. That immediately made me like you. So you could pretty much talk for five or ten minutes, and I think anything you said would have been positive because of just how you came on stage.

So keep up that part. I do think I'm a weird-looking guy. You sort of play into it, though, right? Yeah. Like when you're getting ready, you have the picture of one of the elves from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer next to the mirror or something like that?

Yeah, I could make a transition into the Shire. Anyone else just see that movie recently like me? No? All right. Well, Alex, that's fun. You probably have a whole other routine about how you want to be a dentist, right? Yeah, that's what it was. Son of a bitch.

That's the exact... That's the fucking thing. I want to get this guy laid so bad. Well, Alex, all right. We met you. That was fun. I forgot what... I enjoyed myself.

I'm glad you guys liked the entrance so much. I didn't notice the entrance, so at least you got a good entrance. Thank you, Doug. That was almost a compliment, yes. Thank you. I liked your entrance that I didn't see, and I liked the way you say opera. And I also have enjoyed talking to you

since. You clearly have something. There you go. I completely agree with him. How about that for Alex Hanna, everybody? Thank you so much. Alex Hanna. He's on Twitter at H-I-I-M Alex Hanna. I am Alex Hanna. Thank you so much.

Guys, you don't need to do that second thank you so much if you get called up here, by the way. Nobody cares about your thank you so much if you get called up here, by the way. Nobody cares about your thank you so much. I'm a baby. You're the mama. Let's jump right into it.

Patrick Fitzgerald. Yay! Can I have a Tito's and soda? Oh, can I have another double Patron soda so my friend killed a hooker on his birthday by which I mean his mother died giving birth to him thank you

anyone in here ever been bull riding before? I'll rephrase the question anyone in here ever fuck my ex-wife? thank you Anyone in here ever fuck my ex-wife? Thank you. So, I'll never forget the day my dad told me, one man's trash is another man's treasure. When he dropped me off at the orphanage. Thanks.

So, my girlfriend got pretty mad at me while she was sleeping. I tried to surprise her by trying anal sex with her brother. Thanks. There you go, Patrick Fitzgerald. Tony. Tony.

Tony, where do you scout for the show? By power lines? What do you... This is a special edition. What do you really sound like when you're talking? Like this? No, when you're talking to people, you don't talk like that.

You don't... You're like more normal, right? Like if we were in a room right now and you're talking to people, you don't talk like that. You're like more normal, right? Like if we were in a room right now and you were talking to me, and I was like, hey, Patrick, nice to meet you. I'm Tony. How are you? I'd probably say, hey, Tony, nice to meet you. Oh, my God. That's really how you speak?

So if you happen to be with some of your black friends watching a movie, you'd be like, don't open that door. Wait, like if they're... Like if somebody's about to kill, like, watch out, man. Someone's about to kill him. Like a horror, like a movie theater. Yeah. Yeah, and you'd be great if they needed to replace the voice of Tina in Bob's Burgers.

It's just Super Dan Mintz is the problem I'm having with it. And the material is extremely bleak. Have you ever been projecting-esque? Is there something that happened to you in which you became this way? No, no, no. been projecting-esque? Have you ever been... Is there something that happened to you when you became this way? No, no, no. I'm trying to get away from the Dan Mints

thing a lot. You just talked normally for the first time right then. Yeah, but... Dreams are coming true up here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. I think you still have a dark approach and bleak jokes, but more like what you just sounded like.

I think that would be fine. But I understand that you're trying to sell weirdness a little bit, and that's certainly like a weird way to speak. And the thank you thing will always work. It's very divisive. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Who says thank you? On and off for about five years

and then this year I stopped having to... The thank you is like learning that you should gotta do something. You gotta try to get your laughs where you can. Make jokes about the jokes that didn't work. But it still says this isn't going well at the same time. Let's talk about your real life, Patrick.

Why so off and on for the last five years? No, I don't know. I really don't, Patrick. A little depression, stuff like that. That's cool. Are you having sex with Tony? You keep making eye gestures at him like he does know. Do you guys have a secret or something?

You just go like, come on, Tony, you know. It's been a rough couple years. You know what I'm talking about, buddy. You've been there with me, right? You're right there, buddy. Come on. What are we talking about here? So some depression?

We're all plowing through that, so what else? Has anyone ever talked to you before, Patrick? In normal life? I like that persona. If you can harness the kind of more real stuttering, stammering you than the one that is confidently weird.

What would you say is the coolest thing about you, Patrick? I'm not very cool. Oh, that is... I guess I am. The new? I'm not very cool. Oh, that is... The new cool is to not be cool. No one will knock anything out of your hands now. No one's ever going to mistake you

for not cool because you're so not cool. Tony, I think you nailed it. I think this is his first conversation. It's so awkward. Why haven't you done it until now? Because my life was going good until now. No, no, I didn't. I just finally decided to ruin it.

Patrick. I'm good at guitar. There's a cool thing about me. Wow. Let him play. Let him play. Oh, shit. Let him play.

It's happening. Let him play. Tito Soda. Tito Soda. Double Patron Soda. I know one guy who's never going to have depression again after this. Dude, what if he just rips Acoustic Guitar Eruption by Eddie Van Halen right now? That would be amazing.

Says he's got to sing. Let's see what happens. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Play something. Cock rock this shit. Patrick, don't overthink it. Play it from your soul. Let me count you off.

Wow, he's good. He's good. This is amazing. How are you able to do that? Wow. Do you have a synth pedal? Somebody suck this guy's dick Please

This is amazing Alright here we go for reals Keep going No no you get This is good Wow yeah A Tarantino movie Was about to start

Dude whale Patrick listen Focus on me Dude, wail! Patrick, focus on me Don't listen to them right now I believe in you You're gonna kill this Solo on the guitar Keep going Don't react to the snide comments

That are about to come Play the love theme from Titanic You got this Anything You can play anything play anything this is when we find out that patrick was lying about knowing how to play the guitar and he really did a little thing that sounded alright. You're staring at us, Patrick. Talking off mic.

You said you were good at guitar. I want you to be awesome at the guitar. We all want you to be awesome. Do you want to try doing a series of things you can't do at all Patrick Patrick Patrick

Over here little Patrick Look at me Keep that mic in it's mic stand Keep that all right there Face it Put your mouth up to that And say This one mouth up to that and say this one

goes out to that bitch that broke my heart. Say it. This song goes out to that bitch that broke my heart. Wow. Again, I'm so impressed how you play the flute with a guitar

It's so stupid What else, Patrick? But do it, play it, go! Just play anything Doesn't know what to do You can't go wrong Yeah, that's good Yeah My name is Patrick Yeah.

My name is Patrick and I've got some problems inside my head. My name is Patrick and at night I don't know if I should go to bed. My name is Patrick and I want to get you wet tonight, girl.

Yes, I said so wet. I want to get you wet. My name is Patrick, and I ride in a Corvette. Come on, baby. There you go. Yeah! Dreams really do come true. That was Patrick by Patrick off his debut album, Patrick.

Written, created, and executive produced by Jeremiah Watkins. But edited by Patrick. On background guitar. Doesn't it feel good to be good at something? No, no, yeah, yeah. The jokes weren't good. They were just having fun.

After the show, you become just a guest on a podcast with the rest of us. And that was fun. For a second there, you were like Tom Cruise if someone siphoned the talent out of every orifice of his body. But then all of a sudden, you came around right when I was totally about to give up on you,

and you fucking saved it. You made a song, you and Jeremiah jammed. That was great. So please, don't hurt yourself or anything, Patrick. I'm sort of concerned for you. Yeah, and write some more jokes and say them in a different way.

There you go. Patrick Fitzgerald, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. He's the zionator. It's a hit My name is Patrick It's already a hit The kids are singing it on the Sunset Strip The new hits

How funny would that be if you guys made it a hit You two specifically Reagan and Watkins new number one tune Patrick cut to him just like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. The straw that broke the camel's back. His name is Patrick. It's oddly catchy.

It really is. Jeremiah Watkins is a freak of nature. He really is. My name is Patrick. Tito's and soda. Tito's and soda Tito's and soda Tito's and soda Double Patron and soda

Tito's and Red Bull You want another one too? My name is Big J Dom is good I pulled another name out of the podcast Dom's had enough Doug's not listening to the show at all at this point. Doug doesn't care.

Still. Here for the drinks. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Andy Gold, everybody. Here we go. Thank you. My car broke down in downtown Los Angeles. And a downtown L.A. crazy man came up to me.

I was sitting there with my hood up. And he's just like, well, what can I do to help and I was like it's no big deal I just have to jump it and then he said well if you're gonna jump it you're gonna need a bike and a ramp and I was like no I don't think you understand. I don't need that at all. And then he said, well, there's no way you're going to jump it with your legs, you chubby bitch.

And I was like, all right, go get the bike and the ramp. But I empathize with those people. I'm a recovering heroin addict. Thank you. Fine, yeah. People are thrown by it. I don a recovering heroin addict. Thank you. Fine, yeah. People are thrown by it. I don't really look the part. This whole thing ain't really screaming heroin addict. I look more like a

bully from a 1990s Disney movie. My mom told me I look like a Hitler youth who got locked inside of a golden corral. There you go. Andy Gold getting it in right before the bear. That was fun, Andy.

Oh, thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up? Six and a half years. Where at? Salt Lake City, started at Wise Guys. Yeah, that's an awesome club. Yeah, I got spoiled. Yeah.

Did you really do heroin? Yeah. Seven years clean. It's so cool. So wise guys, what do they pay you in? Like at gold, frankincense and myrrh. I didn't get that.

Oh, that would be wise men comedy club, but I guess that's pretty big reach there. Pat, you know, I'll coach you all through Pat's missed jokes, by the way. I'll always let you know what Pat meant. Tony, you know the three wise guys.

The baby Jesus and the man. You know, the frankincense and birth. Come on, you know the story. Finally, finally some Christmas jokes. Andy. Thank you, and my drink. Thank you very much. There you go.

Doug with his drink update. I got it. He's getting drink with Doug. Josh, one more for me, por favor. Andy, you are by far one of the funniest five umpires we've ever had perform on the show. Top five. That's good. Thank you.

What do you do for work? What was that? What do you do for work? I work at a treatment center in Malibu. I help rich drug addicts get clean. Oh, wow. I thought your joke about the homeless was low and outside. He was playing it safe.

I forget what the first joke was exactly, but it was so mild and vanilla to your second statement being like so I'm a heroin addict recovering I'm going to jump a car I need a bicycle and a ramp for that I put needles in my arms

and inject poisons it really was so I drive a town and country have you ever sucked off a guy in a subway? That's not a true stereotype. Junkies don't... Listen, here's what you need to understand. Most drug dealers...

Yeah, junkies don't listen. You said it. No matter how much we tell. That's a thing everybody always says, though. I bet you used to suck dick for... Most drug dealers didn't get into the business to get a beach from this fella. That's not a thing that actually happens. You seem like you're getting really upset and defensive about this.

That's some stereotype that took hold. But I think it's a stereotype just about the desperation for it. Like, what is the worst thing that you did to get money or get heroin? Yes, that's what it is. If it worked, I would be on board. He just asked you a great question. So what do you did to get money or get airways? Yes, that's what it is. If it worked, I would be on board. He just asked you a great question. So what did you have to do instead? Did you have to put your butt up somebody's?

No, no. I became a... That doesn't even make sense where I was going with that. If you didn't give him a blowjob, then what exactly did you do with his dick to get the drugs out of it? Is that how it works, guys? Would somebody give you it just if you slapped it? Just like a secret hand job? Like, well, if I'm on the outside of the car

and my hand's in there, then I guess I'm still not gay, right? Because you're in a different place altogether. I feel like we've got to set off on the wrong... I think this theory's all wrong. You don't suck dick for heroin. You suck dick for a guy who wants his dick sucked

and gives you money for it. And then you go buy heroin so I've heard. Which? Dumbass. You were trying to suck off the dealers? You're going to get shot. Andy, what is the

in your years of doing heroin, if you don't mind talking about it, what is something crazy or silly that you ended up doing to try to get some more? The craziest thing I did was rip off drug dealers, which is dangerous.

The most embarrassing thing was I stole drug dealers, which is dangerous. The most embarrassing thing was I stole my niece's tricycle. Wow. Let's get into this. Because you were too lazy to drop it off to the drug dealer. So, did you try to give the tricycle?

I'd imagine a drug dealer would much rather appreciate a blowjob from you than a tricycle. I mean, how terrible are your blowjobs, Andy, to where you're like, well, will this do? Tony, I think he's just stealing the plot of the Goonies. What's the going price for a tricycle, though? Like five bucks? No, I couldn't sell it. You had to bring it back

tail between your legs you had to bring the tricycle back and just act like you borrowed like sorry everyone I just borrowed the tricycle for a little while I was competing in a special race race for heroin that's awesome that you've recovered though what do you find yourself like leaning on to help you

with that type of stuff other than like sponsors and shit like that like any cool new habits or fun things to fill the place of heroin something that seems like the most awesome feeling of all time well i mean no nothing's replaced that feeling uh right i mean not even clothing shopping could be as thrilling as clothing shopping. You know what you're doing. Was that a compliment? Oh, thank you very much.

You're welcome. So Andy, no answer to that? No, no, no. Shit, I got hobbies. I like basketball a lot. You play basketball? Yeah, I have a good jump shot. I thought you could dunk. Yeah, yeah. I have a good jump shot. Really? Yeah, yeah. I thought you could dunk. I can't dunk. I can touch the net if I get a run and start.

I'm glad you found something else to shoot. I started doing comedy like six months after I got clean. Oh. Yeah, yeah. Gotcha. That's been a nice little... Yeah. You have a girlfriend? No, I just came out to L.A. like two months ago.

Oh, to the whole place? You arrived and said, I'm gay? What was that? You said you came out to L.A.? Like, where do you do that? The L.A. Weekly? That's a sharp ear. Yeah.

Most of these jokes are going over me, man. Well, you're in a tough spot In a weird spot Because you're just like hey audience look at my ass And while I get critiqued There we go I think you've got a wealth of experiences I think Tony's pointing that out

Through his questioning You have a wealth of experiences that are very interesting to people That could make for a very fun act. Yeah, I'm doing the Addicts Comedy Tour this year. So I had no idea that was like a niche. I just started writing about that shit. You're just going to show up at a meeting

and say, we're doing some jokes, fuckers. No, no. It's like comedy clubs and shit. Yeah. They had a sober New Year's Eve the other day at the South Comedy Hole. Yeah. For like a bunch of people that are addicts go to that instead of. Oh, I thought you meant just people that are being honest with themselves about the upcoming year.

Yeah. That's not the funnest holiday for people. Sober New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve? Yeah, New Year's Eve. Was that a good heroin day? No, it's just not a good sober day. Every day is a good heroin day.

Isn't it, though? Heroin day didn't... Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was no non-good heroin days. Did you write a song at least or anything? Did you write a woo that? What? Did you write a great song or something while you did heroin?

No, I'm not the last guy that was up here. I have no musical chops. Do you have any cool memories while on heroin? Anything else while on it, maybe? I mean, at the time, I thought it was all fucking cool. But no, none of those memories are good memories. That life was a giant. You ever shoot between your toes?

No, I shot in my feet a whole bunch. Oh. Like where in your feet? The bottoms? Where a good vein was shown because my arms were fucking shot. Hell yeah. All right. I've got some heroin here.

Could you show us where you injected it on your foot? Did you ever pitch or officiate at a no-hitter? I was a Little League umpire when I was like six. Right? There was a guy on acid that pitched a no-hitter. You have a certain look that really only umpires have. It is almost unbelievable.

More than pretty much anyone I've ever seen before. I think you still might have a calling in it. Oh shit, dude, I would do it for some extra money. I know a lot about baseball. I bet. We know what you'll do for extra money, Andy. You once stole your niece's goddamn tricycle.

I'm pretty sure you'd umpire a baseball game if given the opportunity. Potato, potato, really? Those two things. Did your girl ever fuck you for drugs? Uh, oh, God. Yeah. Wow, he's taking us through from the end of the story. There were some junkie girls I ran around with.

Junkies? Junkie girls? Junkie. Oh, junkie. Here's a fucked up thing I did once. Were they hot for a little? I had sex with another girl. She was a heroin addict for some heroin.

And afterwards, instead of giving her the heroin, I gave her a peanut in a balloon. I know. What? You gave her a peanut and a balloon. I know. What? You gave her a peanut and a balloon? Are you saying you got her pregnant? You put a penis and a few balloons. That looks like a balloon of heroin. Oh.

After having sex. Come on, guys. Oh, my God. Dude, that's brilliant. That's called free trade in the USA, bro. You may have saved that girl's life, bro. What? Look at the positive.

Maybe you saved that girl's life. You didn't give her heroin. How cool is that? Or is it dangerous to shoot up peanut? I mean, let's just hope she wasn't allergic because that could have been a real fucking mess. You know what I mean? That could have ended up really sloppy.

It killed Macaulay Culkin when he shot up peanuts. She overdosed on a single peanut. I mean, he shot up bees, but you know. Hey, Tony. Yeah, Pat Reagan. At one point he said, it's no big deal. And I was wondering, why the hell does he start talking about pickles? All right.

Wow. I don't remember saying it's no big deal. Hey, Pat. Andy. That's my boy deal. Hey, Pat. Andy. That's my boy, Patty Rager, right there. Andy, you have any questions for the great Dom Irera? One of the greatest. Oh, that's a good idea.

Get some advice from Dom. As we would call him. I saw you at lab work last week. It was really, really funny. I don't know if that's a question, but it's the first time I saw you live, man. Wait, you're not sure if that's a question? I do know if that's a question. but it's the first time I saw you live, man. You're not sure if that's a question? I do know if that's a question, and it is not a question, Andy.

Hit him up with a question. Remember you were at lab work last week? At the improv. Is that the improv thing? This guy's going to compliment his way to the top. I had no questions off the top of my head. It was the first time I saw Dom live. What's your ethnicity, Andy?

Fucking a bunch of Scandinavian stuff, like German and Icelandic. Did somebody say German? No, nobody did. And Danish and English? Germany's my favorite part of Scandinavia, if I've got to be honest. Did you vote in this recent election? Yes, I did. Who'd you vote for?

I voted for Hillary. What a loser. You were with her? A loser? I thought she was the clearest choice to fucking stop Trump. Yeah. She was the only choice. That's our only Trump. She was the only choice.

That's our only option. She was. There was other... Yeah. Did you hear George Michael died? Uh-oh. I did hear that the other day, yeah. Huh.

There you go. Andy Gold, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. He's on Twitter, Andy A. Gold. That was fun, man. There he goes. Andy Gold. Did you hear George Michael died really sound like a setup for something?

Yeah. He had nothing. No. That was it. Somehow it worked better than... it worked better than... There you go. We all know that jingle. We've heard that a few times. Tony?

Yeah. Jeremiah Watkins. It's so weird for me that George Michael, Prince, and Bowie died, and yet out of the four of us, I'm still alive. You never thought you'd be the last one. Oh, shit. I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Put your hands together for Travis Frazee. So I was a medic in the army for six years. I got out a year ago. I don't really do anything medical anymore. I don't practice. But it still really interests me. Medicine's fascinating. The human body's crazy. Like, this study came out recently that says an orgasm a day can prevent prostate cancer, which is great news. My first thought was, thank God my wife doesn't have a prostate. She would fucking die.

And then I had a lot of regret because there's more I could have done to prevent my grandfather's death. But I really like my grandma's new boyfriend. We're not going to fucking lose this one, man. All right, guys. There you go, Travis Frazee. There you go, Travis Frazee.

We are going right down the barrel on a bunch of white school shooters here today. One after the other. Yeah, really. I love it. Dom's been rocking this hat for a few hours, and it's already taking off with the kids. Travis rocking the Domica, if you will. Not quite a hat that will keep your ears warm, but just a little something to trap it in.

Clearly you two just got casted together in a new Home Alone spinoff. If you're on a hot dome or going to do some second story work, that's the hat for you. I was thinking like a Jewish fisherman. Yeah. Doesn't this guy look like he wears a lot of Old Spice? Never once. Whoa.

Whoa. It's offensive. Travis, it's okay. We're going to take good care of you. That last joke you had actually deserved more, I thought, from the audience. But you came out of the gates and had so much time explaining that you were a medic and that you got out recently, and then no joke had anything to do with that. That was weird.

Yeah, it was really weird. Part of me, when he said he was a medic, army medic, part of me wanted to boo really loudly. Whoa. Jesus. Hey, which... Pat with his wacky... I don't back that up. Which part of you, this weird part?

Thank you for your service. I do not support what that guy just said. Yeah, not at all. You're welcome. It just seemed like a funny, incongruous thing to happen. Boo! Oh, yeah, that's true. It would have been incongruous thing to happen. Boo! Oh, yeah, that's true. It would have been incongruous.

While me and you share hair color choices, I do not share your disregarding of this man's service. But, yeah, thank you for that. You're welcome. But then... Well, here we go with the playback. But then, you know, I've jerked off all of my relatives. Thank you.

Good night. Like, you know, maybe ease us out of that at the end a little more. Because like Jay was saying, like you could have got a laugh there and then, you know, like if you are shy of the minute, then just hang out, you know. There you go. Doug giving life advice. You only get a minute. There's no reason to be like, oh, I can't go any further. There's no reason to give up There you go. You only get a minute. There's no reason to be like, I can't go any further.

There's no reason to give up. Enjoy your time. Bring it back to the military service. Or whatever. Why did you bring it up? What was the point of that? Why do you have to start with an obvious lie? I was bringing war heroes back to life recently, and then a chicken

crossed the road. It wasn't over there in the Middle East where I was, but it was a different chicken on a different road here in California, actually. Travis, hear me out. The joke happens exactly the same way if you go, my wife,

I heard a thing recently that an orgasm a day can keep you alive longer. That's like, you don't have to, as long as you're like, hey, man, one time I knocked a guy out with one punch. You know, anyway, I work at a hospital. See, what these guys at the panel are doing is called comedy writing. Whoa, Pat, you have deep hatred. Do you, like, hate? Boo!

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Travis, how long have you been on stand-up? Just a year. Very cool. Where are you from? Northern California, Turlock. Northern California.

Central Valley, not far from- Shout out to Turlock. Oh, you like Turlock? I like Turlock. Oh, now you're on board, Pat? You want him back over. And what do you do for work now that you're done board back? You want him back over. Ian, what do you do for work now that you're done with the army? I'm in school.

What are you studying? Jesus Christ, Brian, you're out of control over there. Are you studying running on a log while it's in water? I could. What's the fastest you got on top of one of those things? No answer there?

There's another. What are you studying? Log rolling, log climbing. You look like a logger. Oh, yeah. I didn't know we were going to explain it. Do you have friends that work at a barber shop or something like that? You seem like that type of.

No. No? No. Coffee shop? No. Do you know Nick Yusuf? Do you have friends that work at a barber shop or something like that? You seem like that type of... No. No? No. Coffee shop? No. Do you know Nick Yusuf? Do you like coffee? I do like coffee.

Do you have a record player? No. You ever pick up a drifter? No. Do you ride a bicycle? No. Never. Do you own a refrigerator?

I have a bicycle, but I don't ride it. I have a scooter. Do you have a tricycle? I do not. Do you have a tricycle? I do not. Do you have dry elbows? Yes. Did you see Pixar's Inside Out more than once? No.

Have you tried the new Cool Habanero Double Decker Taco from Taco Bell? Why do I feel like Jeremiah just got paid $15,000 just then? Just waiting for a chance to sneak it in at some point. Oh, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling. Oh, that reminds me. I love Tito's, especially another one. There you go.

Tito's and soda. Travis, what do you do for fun? What else are you into other than stand-up? I used to be a chef, so I cook. I played paintball competitively. Wow. Competitive paintball.

Yep, it's a thing. Wow. Can you make money doing that? Yeah, if you're like the top-level pro guys do. How far are you from that? Not there. Not there. You're super good at combat paintball,

but in the actual army, you were a fucking medic? It has... The two don't connect. Somewhere in the field, there's an Indian doctor holding a fucking Uzi, trying to fucking mow down the enemy. I should be a medic!

Jay, all those paintball guys want to visualize that they're in the army. If you've ever played paintball. Pat, shut up. You're so negative and shitty right now. Travis. Hey, how many balls can you fit in your hopper? 200.

Okay, I just need to know that. 200. What's your best dish? You said you're a cook. What's your main dish? Man, I haven't cooked in years, but... What was it? Cooking is my Vietnam.

He just did what the guy with the guitar did. Can't go back there. I haven't cooked in years. I haven't cooked in a long time. I don't know. Top ramen, maybe? Sick-ass grilled cheese with iron. Yeah, I made a spaghetti.

How long did you serve in the Army? I was in for about five and a half years. Five and a half years. Where'd you go? My first duty station was Fort Carson, Colorado, and we went to Afghanistan in 2012. Why would you open with, I went to fucking Colorado

if you've been to Afghanistan? Wow, Colorado, what a hero you are. Because you don't just join and then you're like. Right, I know, but get to the good stuff. Yeah, we want to be. Afghanistan. Yeah. You guys need to calm down.

He's about to go AWOL right now. How much of that Afghanistan weed did you smoke? None. Ah, damn it. Who said did you smoke? None. Ah, damn it! It's everywhere. It grows wild, right? They piss test us all the time, but they never piss tested our fob.

Is that a written quiz? Is that in the Webster's piss test? What are they going to do if they piss test you out there? Send you home? Yeah. What a great deal. I don't like how this is going. I guess I'll smoke some weed.

How is anybody out there? You would think the punishment would be to just stay there, but they send you home. Dishonorable discharge. I'd have one of those every night in my bunk, if you know what I'm saying. Looking at Polaroids from back home. Is it a tough subject for you to talk about your history?

No, not at all. I think talking about it has been the best thing. Perfect. In that case, have you saved anybody's life? Yeah. Have you had anybody die underneath your thing? Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. Do you talk about that at all? Yeah, because he was a Taliban, and he was all fucked up. fucked up he was shot in the head wait it was a bad guy he's a bad guy so sometimes army medics like we like we take care of everybody wow that's fucking crazy are you kidding me you ever just you ever just stand uh you ever just stand over him and like fuck with him ever just like oh man it's i'm gonna totally save your fucking life right now. I'm totally about to do it. And there's a lot of blood coming out of you.

Good thing you're not a piece of shit or else I'd just walk away. Yeah, have you ever been in a Mark Wahlberg movie? No. You ever fuck a Taliban's bullet holes? That's a good question. That is probably one of the greatest questions. man's bullet holes? That's a good question. That is probably one of the greatest questions. I mean with a condom.

Do soldiers get to fuck it all out there? Do you hook up with the locals? Do you hook up with other soldiers? How does that work? It happens, but we have these cameras that are white hot infrared. Right. And there was like...

We had like a lumber section. And boners show up double time on there because the blood flows. Boners are jizz. So finish that. I'm sorry I cut you off. Boners sound like pterodactyls. We caught like one of the senior ranking dudes fucking one of the soldiers up there one night on the white hot camera.

A dude? No, a dude and a chick. Oh, thank God. Those chick soldiers must get fucked like crazy, right? I mean, I imagine... The unit I was in, there was no female. Did you jerk off to the infrared video of them fucking on the mountaintop?

If I could get a copy, I guess. How many people would you say saw your unit? Whoa. That's a weird joke of the night for me. Do people hook up with locals there? Like American soldiers ever go to a bar and like Afghani women, you know, just like, hey, what's going on under there? Huh? Hello.

You know what I mean? Nothing like that. No. You can't fuck them out there? No, you can't even like, you can't just wander off the FOB and go fuck. Wander off the FOB? Yeah. That's what I always say.

Yep. What does FOB stand for? Forward Operating Base. Whoa, that's really cool. You can't wander off that at all. No. So you can only fuck female soldiers. Or each other or whatever.

Or Afghani chicks that you've been fighting over. Dudes. Hey, show up at this base. Don't worry. Just say you're friends with Todd. Do a lot of the dudes. Were you ever laying there and next to you is a squeaky cot and there's a couple of dudes doing it? No, I have my own room.

Oh. Oh. Hello. Look right into the camera and go, become a medic, wink. One in the fob, two in the slob. You know what I'm saying, Travis? Giselle.

What's the coolest thing that you got away with? You didn't smoke the hash. You didn't do this. You didn't do that. What is it, though? Well, I'm free. You know, just eating painkillers out of the pharmacy. Oh, wow. Great. Yeah. Nice. That'll do it. Perfect. I think I'm still free and clear then.

Is there any top secret shit you're not allowed to tell us about that you can tell us about now? Yeah. On a live podcast? No. I'm just a regular Army medic, man. Are you telling the truth? I want the truth! That was Army medic, man. Nothing's wrong. Are you telling the truth? Yeah. I want the truth! Did you guys...

That was your moment, bro. You could have said I couldn't handle the truth. Good. Yeah, you could tell him, say, you can't handle the truth. All right, Travis. Well, by the way, let's take a moment to give Travis a round of applause for being an American hero. USA! USA! We just got the numbers and it turned out

that he saved a lot more Afghani soldiers than American soldiers. They considered him like one of the weirdest doctors out there. He's the Taliban's top surgeon. Right, exactly. The Afghanis came back with just metal arms and shit. Still alive. You guys, he's still standing right there.

Oh, shit. There you go, Travis Frazee, everybody. Make it loud for Travis, everybody. An American hero. Five years in Afghanistan while you all sat on your asses. First show of 2017. Yep. And you know what

Performed in any venue anywhere This is the first fun that's been had The what? This is the first fun Of 2017 I'm declaring it January 2nd live on a Monday night January 1, what happened January 1?

Nothing Nobody remembers that at all Stupid day. Exactly. Moving along, we're going to go back to the bucket in a second, but what do you guys say we do something fun? What? I wasn't going to do this, but since

there's three guests on this show tonight, and I like things in threes, and people say that they work in threes and comedy in threes. and people say that they work in threes and comedy in threes. Why not bring up one of, when we talk about bringing dead things back to life, why don't we bring up Kill Tony Legends? They are real, and they are real triplets.

I give to you the Verzi triplets, ladies and gentlemen. What? All right. Cool. You know, growing up, our dad hit us a lot as kids. Our mom didn't,

though, because she was a big pussy. Big pussy. Big pussy. Big pussy. She'd always just say, wait till your father gets home. You know, because women can't do anything right. That's kind of weird, though.

Like, hey, honey, I'm home. Oh, hey, you mind beating the shit out of our sons? Just pass that rage off to him. It was just an alley-oop of guilt, just throwing it up. My dad would just always slam it home. Stocked in the Malone of punishment. Yeah. And we were raised in a Catholic Italian household,

so my dad would do the sign of the cross before he hit us with the belt. Just, you know, beat the righteousness into us. That's how Jesus learned! I remember when I was 13, I was watching porn, and my dad came in, and he was pissed. And he gave me the belt and I'll never forget what he said he said put it around your neck you'll come so much harder

and I did I did it was great for our circle jerks later awesome stuff that's it exactly a minute from the Fersey triplets ladies and gentlemen one of the newest sensations

in comedy it It is a statistical fact that you either love them or hate them. So you know where you stand already. Somebody groaned when we were coming up. Yeah, I heard a few. It seems like people really have taken a knack

at not liking you guys. In what order did you shoot out of that vagina? First. Second. Okay, I'm glad you all know it. Wow. So, okay.

Thanks for the stellar entrance, by the way. That definitely didn't make them hate us anymore. What do you mean? They're legends of Kill Tony. Yeah, it's a real big buildup. That's not what made that not go great. That wasn't that at all. Don't try

to put it on me. No, I wasn't. Do you guys go into a Forever 21 or what have you and say, we need three shirts that are not the same but are the same? One of my favorite parts of your guys' set was when I noticed Big J just shaking his head no.

Can I explain that head shake? I will. That's a lot. That's a lot of people deliver one joke. That's a lot. That's a lot to drink in. I didn't know the legends before tonight. And that's a lot. So I was just trying to drink legends before tonight and that's a lot so I was just trying to drink

my head's moving maybe I'm too close if I was in the back maybe I could take it as one picture but all three of them I was just bouncing back and forth

and I couldn't follow the fucking thing you should maybe have like a competition like raise money for charity and throw one of yourselves out of the group like have a competition

who are the two best. And then the third guy has to be like well I gave it a shot. But then the other two guys can have more of a Sklar Brothers kind of future. Who is the Destiny's Child of this? Who's the Beyonce of this?

No, no, no. Which is Solange. Wow. That's the Solange of the book kicked out. Which is Solange. Wow. That's the Solange of the book. You guys hate that. Solange, it's been good to know you. You're the one with fucking herpes on your face. Look, he's got a band-aid on his face.

Yeah, last week we found out, for those of you that didn't listen to last week's episode, we found out that this Verzi triplet in particular has a huge cold sore on his bottom lip. It's herpes. He has it covered up with a band-aid two weeks in a row. After, shut up, Fersi Triplets. Whose fucking microphone did he use? That's why I wore the band-aid. But that's why I wore the band-aid.

That's why I wore it. Which one did you use? Alright. I guess it's old Russian roulette with triplets here tonight. I hate following him after he does a how do you like making out with a microphone bit.

Tony, I thought that the bandaid was a soul patch and that they were going through like a smash mouth phase or something. Oh, okay. Anything happen in real life over your guys' Christmas or anything like that that was interesting? Instead of, you know, going back.

Sean took a girl I went out on a date with out. Whoa, which one's Sean? This one. Oh, the one you guys want to kick out. So you took a girl that he's been on a date with. You went on one date with her and it didn't go well? Yeah, yeah. She was telling me, like, how her dad spent her whole life in prison

and he had herpes and cancer. Wait, her dad had herpes and cancer? Yeah, on the first date she's dropping all that and then she said like, Hep C, not herpes. But she did have cancer. Oh, yeah. I love that herpes corrected you on that, by the way.

I know, right? Are you sure she didn't just say my dad loves Pepsi? So she said at some point in an entire date of conversation, she said that her dad, not her, has Hep C and cancer. And you're like, ooh, fuck this.

This is not going good at all. Spent his whole life in prison and then had an ex-boyfriend that beat her, was into bestiality Got high on meth and then fucked a pillow And you're just like lady look I'm one of three triplets I can't handle this type of

The worst part is he knew that And he still took her on a date Yeah god damn right All those red flags that's free pussy Did you fuck her? Not yet. Not yet? She's into bestiality and you...

The ex was. But if I can fuck her on the first date, he sure as fuck is not going to fuck her on the first date. Hey, guys, guys, guys, guys. When was the last time each of you had sex? Mine was a month ago. I know. Jesus. Where did that woman come from?

Whoa, two weeks for the thicker one Three months ago for this guy Three months ago for herpes McGee over there Wow That's a real sore loss you just took Hey guys guess what Earlier today Wow

It doesn't count if you Fuck your instrument. The saxophone. Why not? Saxxy motherfucker. Where did you take her on the date? I took her to a bar. There was a bar lounge and there was a club.

Where did you take her on your date? You took her to eat, didn't you? Yeah, a small Mexican joint. He goes straight for the drinks. Did you end up making out with her? Yeah. Of course you did. What are you going to do? Get her happy off chicken parmesan over there in the middle? He took her to some hole-in-the-wall Mexican

place. Yeah, Rufio's. You want to fuck a chick, man? Margaritas. Get her the upgraded... He doesn't drink. Brian's only agreeing with you because he heard the word hole in the wall. That's literally how he fucks. It's through a glory hole. Glory hole.

I respect it. Tony, I got a joke for the triplets. It's in the game. Your mom only has two tits. How does she breastfeed you? Something like that. That's pretty interesting, actually. That's actually really cool.

She does like a garden hose thing where she pinches it and squirts it all in their faces. We said it was like a lazy Susan thing where we just kind of spun around in a circle and sucked off the tit as we went. I'd use a different reference than that. I'd sit at a table and I'd think a little bit harder for a couple more hours.

Dom Herrera, you got something to say to these guys? I don't know. I'm not trying to instigate anything, but you three guys are pretty tough. And this guy, no, I'm serious. And this guy went after your mom's breasts and I thought it was kind of rude and if I were you, I'd beat the fuck out of him, right? It's a triple threat. Unless you guys are

pussies and don't want to. Oh, shit. Come in this scarf. All right, there they go, the Brucie Triplets, ladies and gentlemen. We're plowing through it. Always a pleasure. Yeah, yeah. All right.

That's wild. So, like, three Abercrombie and Fitches had nobody standing in front of them that entire time? Isn't that what they look like? The guys used to stand in front of Abercrombie and Fitch? Who used to stand in front of Abercrombie and Fitch? They used to have them standing out front, right? Yeah.

I'm a world traveler. The worst store ever, by the way. That's the store that's like the music's blaring. It's loud. There's a guy with no shirt on. He's all standing out front. And he's like, I'm part of a comedy team, but there's three of us. Yep.

So we have a regular that performs a brand new 60 seconds every single week without being pulled out of the bucket. That's sort of a different gig. Really not easy to do. So let's just jump right into it. You know her, you love her. It's the one and the only Allie Makovsky with another brand new minute.

I have two older sisters. They're really good looking. They're also single. And I try and be a good little sister whenever I meet a hot eligible dude. I always tell them, tell him, tell whoever, tell their dad. I say, hey, I got two hot sisters. And they say, let me see some pics. And then I'm in this weird predicament where I have to go through my phone and find pictures of my sisters I want

to fuck. I'm like, hey, Courtney looks like she's into butt stuff in this pic. All Courtney's are into butt stuff. I think it's hard as a woman and also as a comedian to hook up with guys because before it goes down, they'll always say, hey, are you going to talk about this in your act? I'm like, I don't want to talk about this tomorrow. But if you're into butt stuff, I know a girl named Courtney. She's a whore. Boom. Exactly a minute.

Wired in a callback. So fun. If I can give a note, I would say that at one point it's on you, and it's hilarious when you say, I have to find pictures of my sisters that I want to fuck, and then you make it just about, which you could still get there, but in between that, I would say instead of it just being Courtney looks like she's into butt stuff in this I

would keep it on you like oh I would totally eat my sister's pussy in this picture like keep it because it's already on you if that makes sense like that's not the right thing but you know are you into butt stuff? um no tried it once I cried really you cried? well because it was with my first

boyfriend and I was like let let's spice things up. We're 17. Yeah. Little did we know that that spice was cumin. You know what I'm saying? Well, the spice was... I never see

Tony go, I don't know. Yeah, I really don't. I tried to think of a funny spice as fast as I could. But for some reason, cumin. Cumin's a funny spice, but maybe not right there. Probably nutmeg would have been the better one. Cumin. Something was cumin in my butt.

Did it just go too slow or too fast? So there was no preparation for this. He spit on it? Preparation H. That was after. No spit, no finger work? Monster.

I had never watched porn before this and all I had was this weird lotion that I used for my legs and I was like, I'm sure this will work. And it doesn't work. It'll sting. It burns so bad. You're not supposed to use Nair in your butthole as lube. Yeah, well you make a lot of mistakes

and you learn. It wasn't, but it was just regular lotion. No, it was like I thought it was cocoa butter, so I was like, this will be calming. And it was not calming. Oh, it was a black guy butter, so I was like, this will be calming. And it was not calming. Oh, it was a black guy. No, I wish. I wish.

It was this guy named Blake. If you're listening, Blake, I'm over you. Wow. I'm not over him. Would you try to get him? It sounds like you were all over him when he tried to have butt sex with you, too. Because she shit on him, people. Would you try it again?

Would I try? With someone I love. With somebody I love. Oh, that's sweet. I mean, it really is a matter of, like, if you're willing to have that person's poop on you. Yeah. No, you could poop on me. Oh, you think that's the big problem?

The old poop thing? I mean, that's the poop thing. I think it might be another thing. What? That you don't want somebody's dick in your ass. Oh. That's fair. It's one of those two, for sure.

I mean, there's definitely that part. Yeah, the old dick in the ass. There's a lot of facts. Yeah, yeah. I mean, even a clean ass might not be that exciting. No, it's great. Did you have fun holidays, Allie? Anything crazy happen?

I was in Hawaii with my family. Is that a euphemism for butt sex? Taking the family to Hawaii again with some cumin. Trying to cumin up the relationship. The red eye. The brown island. No, we just went to... There's nothing funny about it.

We were just in Hawaii. Hana Dudu? Maui, owie. Allie Makowski is going to New York City January 14th. This is her second to last appearance for a little while. We don't know how long she's going for, but she's having a life experience

trip and spontaneously bought a ticket to New York City to go live. What a great time to go to New York City, right? Yeah, perfect time to go to New York City. The weather's beautiful right now. I'll be back to try butt stuff here. I hear it's better on the West Coast.

Big J will take care of you out there. I live it's better on the West Coast. It is. Big J will take care of you out there. I live in New York. We'll see you out there. We'll try some East Coast butt stuff. You let me know how it holds up. All butt stuff battle. West versus East.

Who does the best butt stuff? For the control experiment, we're going to have to butt fuck here, and then butt fuck there, and then you tell me where it was awesomer. That's corny. Hey, there's no way this is funny, but what if you melted

a Hershey chocolate and used it as lube? Oh, I just got weed lube from my family gift exchange. Weed lube? From your family? Family? Yeah. Gift?

My cousin's a little out there. Did somebody say German? My cousin's a little out there. He brought weed lube to the white elephant gift exchange. And it was past my turn. I got a squatatty Potty. And I could have stolen the Weed Loop, but my dad was sitting next to me,

and I can't let him know that I'm a freak. Right. You know? Have you used a Squatty Potty? I just got one today. That's the way that you're talking about it. I didn't know that it was so high. Yeah.

Like, really, like, this. If somebody walked in on you, that's way worse than just regular pooping, right? Right, but if it's private like pooping is, then how is it? Oh, it's great. It flies right out. A lot of people walk in on Brian. Oh, if somebody walks in on me is what I think about every activity I do.

There's never a lock on any goddamn door where I'm living. They got the travel squatty potty, too. I got rid of mine. Not a fan. Really? Why? Why? Because I like to look at my computer or read my phone when I shit, and I don't want my

knees up by my fucking ears like I'm getting prison fucked. Wait, you don't like- Does it really shoot out of you that much better if you're- No, it doesn't. And the wiping is still a whole bunch of nonsense. You're buttholes in a knot, man. All right, Brian. Does it really shoot out of you that much better? No, it doesn't. And the wiping is still a whole bunch of nonsense. Your butthole's in a knot, man. All right, Brian.

Back to the soundboard, little baby boy. Jeremiah, go ahead. It's about three minutes to you. I know, I know. I was trying to get to you over there. I didn't expect that Brian would keep going on about this toilet. But I totally should have. Hey, Dom, I have a question for Dom. No.

Okay. Allie Makovsky, there she goes. The regular, the great, the Ali Makovsky, the machine. I don't know, live audience. That was that Ali wowie. You guys think we should go to the bucket one more time? Yeah, go to the fucking bucket! Go to the fucking bucket! Let's see that we should go to the bucket one more time. Yeah, go to the fucking bucket! Go to the fucking bucket!

Let's see what happens. Sometimes this is fun. We've had greats like Ichabod and Aphrodite and so many of the greats. Oh, we've seen this young lady before. Put your hands together for Nicole Buchanan, ladies and gentlemen. Hey.

This past year, I was dumped in a hotel lobby. You ever been dumped in public? No, I cried. And as I was crying, a couple came up to us and asked us to take their picture. I was like, I know you're tourists, but I'm pretty sure crying's a universal language, you fucking assholes. I think that's why the selfie was invented,

so that when you're having a Kodak moment at like a funeral and everyone around you is being a real bummer you can take care of that shit yourself so you're not like take a picture of me next to this dope ass open casket make it look like I'm taking a shit in it that's how I shit

what I'm saying a shit in it. That's how I shit. What I'm saying is these people shit on the corpse of my relationship, and I'll never forgive them for it, and that's why I hate Koreans. I'm just kidding. I don't know what kind of Asian they were. There you go. Another new minute from Nicole Buchanan. That's fun. is that true? you really got dumped in a hotel lobby?

yes it's true the on-dos right next door were you really crying? were you really crying? I was how did you react? did you just ignore them and scream at them? no the guy that dumped me he got up and took their picture.

Are you fucking serious? Yeah. Well, I'm glad that happened then. Fuck that guy, right? Yeah, fuck that guy. I would have screamed at that guy. You're still upset about that guy. Yeah, fuck that guy.

She already did that, right? So you got to go take a step further and not fuck that guy. How recent was this breakup? Like six or seven months ago How's life been going after that? Feeling better? Yeah sure I got that killer bit out of it

So it was good One bit Seven months of torturous sleepless nights Remember that song He told you that was our song And you were like I don't even like that song? Remember that song he told you? That was our song? And you were like, I don't even like that song.

He's like, you will though. No, we're still friends. That's worth it. You're still friends? That's the worst. Now he's going to tell you when he's banging someone else. What a piece of shit that guy is.

I very much enjoyed the physical comedy of shitting in his coffin. Me too. Funny joke. Yeah. Keep doing that. You'll of shitting in his coffin. Me too. Funny joke. That's how... Yeah. Keep doing that.

You'll catch another boyfriend in a minute. Thanks. Lots of guys out there like being shit on in a coffin. Yeah. Have you been having fun? Have you been dating since then? Are you the one that went out with one of the Versi triplets? No.

No. Are you the one? What? There's somebody that did that? Would you date a Versi triplet? Would you go out on a date with a Versi triplet? No. Are you the one? What? There's somebody that did that? Would you date a Versi triplet? Would you go out on a date with a Versi triplet? All three. Duck water tight. All three at the same time? Yeah. I don't know if I can handle that.

I like Alex. He's a nice guy. Alex Versi. Whoa, she specifically chose Oh, she fucking picked a Versi! Versi triplet. Alex Versi! Fra, fra, fra! Alex Versi. Crazy thing is, that's the one with the cold sore,

so you're a ballsy one. No, he's not. Nicole brings up an interesting artistic question, which is, if you go through a traumatic experience and you get something artistically viable out of it, was it worth going through the experience? Yes. Shit in that guy's guitar.

I could tell you going through the experience of that question wasn't worth it. Some of my worst moment low points in life, I've yielded really good stuff from. Nicole, you are consistently one of the funnier people that gets pulled out of this bucket. Thank you. And I want to tell you that that's always fun and that we appreciate you here.

Thank you. Hell yeah. Have a great night. Yay! While I was talking to Nicole, scanning this beautiful, beautiful room of human beings. I just so happened to stumble across someone who

I didn't realize was here tonight and so I'm just going to bring her up so that she could do a special guest set for all of you. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one, the only, it's Aphrodite! Hey! Hey!

I have a disability. I can't get work because my ass is too big. It won't fit in the office desk chair. They have to order me two chairs. One cheek on each chair. Do I look like I can type? Right, hell no, right? I can type with my breasts.

You know? I mean, it's really difficult when you're black to get a job. A lot of white people don't understand that. You know, I have a friend, she finally got a job, but comes to find out she took these don't be black pills. And, you know, you're supposed to take them and gradually you turn white. And I had an interview like a couple of days after I got mine. It's 48 capsules, so I decided to take all 48 of them at one time so sure enough I got this parcel

white skin, blue eyes and everything, blonde hair and I got the job and everything and shook the lady's hand and told me come in Monday next thing I know my afro popped out I'm like damn she said you know what I'm so tired of you black nigger white people coming in here stealing good white people's jobs wow there you go I'm so tired of you black, nigger, white people coming in here stealing good white people's jobs. Wow, there you go.

Aphrodite. Just telling some truth it sounds like here tonight. You seem like you're in a different mood tonight. You seem like sober or something. You seem like you're in a very mellow mood or something. I changed from the afro. It kind of fried my brains a little bit, you know, but anyway, I'm me. She whitened her act up. Just say it.

Just say it. Leave me the hell alone. I'm an angry black woman. Aphrodite. I'm the official angry black woman. The great Dom Irera. Aphrodite, maybe a little late lunch at Musso and Frank's tomorrow? What the hell?

Me and you? Yeah. All right, man? How much you got? I can't be no constant hoe. I have to be a one-time hoe. What do you mean? How much does he got? By the way, for those of you that are seeing Aphrodite live for the first time right now,

one of the things that you have to understand is that we don't always know exactly what she's saying at all. But sometimes we just roll with it exactly what she's saying at all. But sometimes we just roll with it anyway. It's a black thing. Hold on one second, Brian. Dom just asked you to lunch. What was your response? I told him

he needs to have a lot of money, basically. How much have you got? Like how much money does he get? Is he worth? Because I'm not attracted to him. What the hell? Oh, you want to know his net worth? Dom is a beautiful man. Beautiful, I ain't paying no damn rent. Wait a minute.

You're not attracted to me. I've never dated a white guy before. Aphrodite, right now, one through eight, who would you fuck most to least? On this panel? On this whole stage, one through eight. I like this. I got to fuck Tony. Fucking Tony first.

Wait, I can't. Fuck Tony. Fuck Tony. Fucking Tony first. Wait, I'm first? Fuck Tony. Fuck Tony. Fuck Tony. I'll be honest. Fuck Tony. Fuck Tony. Really?

Aphrodite, if you let me fuck you, I'll tit fuck you with Tony. No, no. Tony got a sexy fucking voice. God damn right. He probably could eat me. Who are you telling? Really? Wait, wait, wait.

Hold up. Who has the second sexy voice? You're preaching to the choir over here. You're preaching to the choir. Everybody stop for one moment. She said that... No, really. He's a little bitty motherfucker,

but I bet you can go, you know? Oh, yeah. He's hung like a pony. Hold on. She said that Tony has a sexy voice, and I just imagine Tony in the bedroom, yeah, I'm going gonna eat your pussy. No, no.

I'm gonna fuck you with my number one. See, if I was gonna fuck him, he would have to talk just like he does with Tony. Have you ever seen a golden pony penis before? I'm gonna rub it between your forehead, you black boy. Aye. Aye. Oh, yeah. I'm gonna jizz all over your black boy. Oh, yeah.

I'm going to jizz all over your butt crack. Oh, my God. If he talked in a different voice, I wouldn't be turned on. You forgot one. You forgot one. I killed Batman's parents.

No, but you have a sexy voice. I don't know your size. I wouldn't expect you to have the voice you have. You really think Tony has a sexy voice? Yes. Yeah, Brian. A lot of people think that. Yeah, he really does. It's not just effort. I mean, I think...

See, I would just have to feed him a little collard greens, get a little grease in him, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Oh, yeah! Grease Tony up. Grease that boy up. Grease up that little white pig. Alright, so let's go all the way through it.

Who do you want to fuck second most? Let's try to fly through it. Who gets second? No second! You have no type. We all want to. second. You have no type. You're probably closest to black up here.

Goddamn right, player. Alright, who's number three? World star. We're going to fuck a world star. I got to go with red man over here. I got to go with red man. There you go. Brian's excited about this. How about number four? Number four.

Oh, no. This is terrible. Horn boy. Horn boy. Horn boy. They go crazy when the real ass is in the room. There's none of that $29.95 ass. You know what I'm saying?

All right. And next. I'm not fucking him. Yeah. What? 295 ass, you know what I'm saying? All right. And next. I'm not fucking him. Yeah! Wait, what? I was like, yeah. Wait, you're not, you're, I want to see that. I want to see, I want to see a new episode of Getting Sky with Doug.

Oh, no. Yeah. He ain't sexy. Getting, wait, is it? I didn't feel anything. Nothing. I didn't even feel his dick. You know what I'm saying?

You sat on his knee. You didn't even ask me what you wanted for Christmas. He talks like he's brain dead. He talks like he's fucking brain dead. You know? I'm too stupid to fuck.

He got like, he got like one eye that's leaning down here and shit, you know? Getting dug with thighs. I think he came out He his own ass, you know? She wants a lover who is present.

She wants a lover who is not trying to escape. I wouldn't fuck him because he look like he paint freaky shit or something, you know? I wouldn't fuck you with a triplets cold sore. Hey, don't bring them triplets back up here They make me feel violent No Aphrodite Would you do anything special over Christmas Or anything like that No

I'm an angry black woman so I don't celebrate Christmas That's funny because we'd never see that side of you here I bet like your neighbors probably fucking hate you No They're actually cool. Really? As a matter of fact, I left my purse on the fence one day. Went to the bank. All of a sudden, it hit me.

I didn't have my purse. They had my purse when I came back. Good thing there was nothing in that fucking purse. Just my passport, that's all. How'd the purse get on the fence? Nobody can do anything with your passport. can do anything with your purse on a fence Why are you putting your purse on a fence?

Because I was doing some shit and forgot Yeah, you were doing some fence shit This is like a stage production of Medea's Boo Oh, are they going to change the name of the show to Sexy Tony? No He really is fucking sexy I don't know where you get your voice from

Aphrodite, you have to settle down You're putting out way too much of that Hey, I had a great New Year's Eve show Oh, tell us about it Yeah, go ahead Grand Park We played with Jungle Fire That's the name of the band that I sing with now

And we had probably maybe Speak English A thousand people downtown It was really nice Wow Nice Well, who's booking the park? Say that Nice. Well, who's booking the park? Say that again?

I said, who's booking the park? It sounds like a great case. Grand Park is the city of Los Angeles. Oh, she's going to come over that table at you. Yeah. On her way to not fucking you? I just said, I'm definitely not fucking this guy. Something's wrong with him, okay?

Right, yeah. Aphrodite, you grazed upon this in your act here tonight, but you do have a, let's face it, you do have one hell of an ass on you. I know, it's an ass thing. Is there anything that you eat over the holidays? She has one hell of an ass on me a minute ago. Is there anything that you eat or drink over the holidays?

I eat a lot of grease. Grease makes ass. Oh, okay, just a big bowl of grease. That sounds awesome. See, y'all white people, y'all too fucking healthy. That's what's right. Y'all got flat asses. Yeah, right?

We are. Grease is the word. Y'all got grease to have ass. Just grease. Amen to that. That's your only... See, again, white people eat too fucking healthy. That's why y'all fucking flat.

It's bullshit. Y'all need to eat some grease. Grease is the food. Grease is the feeling. Yeah, I've watched that movie over a hundred times and I have no ass whatsoever. Grease is the time.

It's the place. It's the motion. Grease 2. Cook the food. Instead of paying the thousands of dollars to have an acid plant, you can just go to some fucking Crisco and eat the shit and get your ass right away. Aphrodite, do you have any... I got chills.

Them oats are flying. Oh, yeah. And my blues in control. Cause the power of flying. It's electrifying. Electrifying. Aphrodite. Yes, sir.

Do you have any New Year's resolutions You better show your bell Yeah my resolution is I won't kill all the white people Cause I need a man Yeah Mo Grease I'm gonna stop being an angry black woman

And this year I will promise not to kill no white people What is it that makes you so angry Do you think What makes you angrier than anything else I'm mad cause I ain't got my motherfucking reparations That's why I'm mad Okay you're gonna have to repeat that And put a lot of space in between your words.

I think the word reparations was in there. I got bills to pay. I don't give a damn what the money's coming out. You have bills to pay? I got bills to pay. Yeah. I don't think you're doing this right. Woo, woo, woo.

Okay. She's got automobile. I got really nice white people over there. What's up, y'all? Really nice white people over there. All the rest of you motherfuckers. I mean, really nice white people over there. A lot of nice white people.

It's just a can of grease. Slow it down. Take a breath, Aphrodite. So your resolution was to find a man and stop being an angry black woman? Is that what you said? No, no. I just want to stop being an angry black woman

because a lot of times when white people see me, they tend to think I'm angry. Where? You keep announcing you're an angry black woman. No, just walking by. They just kind of look at me like, but where are you walking by? Yeah, like if I'm just out, you know, going shopping or whatever. Maybe it's because they look at you and you go,

can I help you, motherfucker? You know, it could have been because one time somebody tried to give me a quarter and I told them I cannot go forward in America with a fucking quarter. Oh yes, that one time affected how everybody treats you everywhere. That's why I'm an angry black man. Take that quarter and shove it up your

crack ass. Can you give us an example? I mean, white people expect black people to be angry, right? Mm-hmm. I don't want to disappoint white people. When they see me, I want to be fucking angry. Amen, girl. Hey!

I think you should continue to announce to people whether or not you're going to have sex with them. I think that's effective. Tony. I'm going to call him Dr. One-Eye. It made me... It made me It made me I like relaxed

I relaxed immediately when you said One-Eye, look at you in the other window to the side. Jeremiah Watkins. I may be the last person you're going to have sex with on this stage, but could you get a few more? Could you get a few more? Damn!

He's good for sitting. He's good for sitting. I'm good for sitting. He's in pain. He ain't even getting a hard-on. What's wrong with this motherfucker? Jeremiah. Wow, that is like... Jeremiah.

You're supposed to get a hard-on when a woman sits on you. Who can handle that kind of pressure? I feel like Aphrodite is so black she used to date the Zatarans, man. Oh, shit. Zatarans. Zatarans. Zatarans. Tony might make me say something. Aphrodite, come over and sit on my lap.

Other than my voice, Aphrodite, I mean, I really. I said you motherfucking bad voice. But, whoa, I mean, other than the voice. I'm going to come on your tits, Aphrodite. All right, Jeremiah. Aphrodite, if you keep rubbing that lipstick on your teeth, I'm going to cum in my pants. I don't have any tonight, so shut the fuck up.

Let me see. Do you have it on your teeth tonight, Aphrodite? Give me a big smile. It looks like a red light. Red light. I better stop. I'm good tonight. I love that. I mean, I'm good tonight.

You're sexy as fuck. Aphrodite, you're sexy as fuck. I don't know if you're. Yeah, you are. Aphrodite, you're sexy as fuck. If I took you back to my place, you know what I would do to you? What? I'd fucking find a way to escape as fast as I can. I would. And which way would you escape?

Through the window or through the door? I really like to take you to an escape room. This motherfucker ain't even seen how to get out. What the fuck is he talking about? You guys know the hit song, From the Window to the Door, right? Yeah, yeah.

From the window to the door. It's a new one. From the window to the floor. It's the windows to the walls. Window to the walls. It's the windows to the walls. It's from the windows to the walls. Window to the walls. You'd probably get fucked last. That's my boy Patty Rager right there.

Yes. Aphrodite. I include him. He'd probably get fucked second to last. Whoa. I'm moving up the charts. These two wouldn't get fucked at all. What?

All right. You said I was second. There you go. Aphrodite, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Love you. Happy birthday. The legend, Aphrodite. There you go, baby.

She recorded all of that. Tony. It's a podcast that will be available in perpetuity, but she recorded all that. That was weird. She got that on tape. Big Jay Oakerson. Am I crazy? This isn't the time.

Can I plug my Florida dates? No, this isn't the time. Hold on one second. Did we just celebrate Kwanzaa? I'm pretty sure we did. I think that's how you do it, yeah. I think we celebrated Kwanzaa and... Festivus.

Yeah, a lot. Kwanzaa Claus sat on my lap twice. Baby, I'm amazed. And I only came one and a half times. She should be Kwanzaa Claus. Yeah, maybe next year you bring her back in a little Kwanzaa Claus outfit. She does look like she came down the chimney at some point. With the helpless of grief.

She is squirming over there. I'm an angry soot-coming woman. Oh, soot-coming. Oh, my God. Sex with her wasn't great. It was soot when she came. You know what I love? Dom Irera's going to Florida.

When's that coming up? Oh, Tony. Actually, we're at the Comedy Magic Club next week. Oh, awesome. Tampa, Florida, side splitters. And then off the hook, Naples, Florida. And then Vegas with Brad Garrett. DomIrera.com?

Happy New Year, everybody. Dom Irera, I don't know, something like that. Yeah. Google Dom Irera. Google Dom Irera. Big Jay Ogerson has What's Your Fucking Deal this April. Coming out on CISO.

One of my favorite podcasts in the world. One of the only ones that I listen to. Legion of Skanks. Louis J. Gomez. And my Sirius XM show, The Bonfire. And for all my dates and stuff, you can go BigJComedy.com. I'm going to Florida also soon. Yeah, please check out that. Doug Benson.

Yeah, for... Look at Ryan J. Ebelts drawing while Doug Benson talks. All that's available right now. Whoa, look at that. That'sbelts drawing while Doug Benson talks all that's available right whoa look at that that's beautiful wow love that Jesus look how fucking that's awesome that's us if we were the breakfast club

that's amazing Doug this is where you promote the things like getting Doug with hi pardon the interruption or the Benson movie interruption Doug loves movies which is you know a podcast as well. It's no Legion of Skanks. No, it is another.

I mean, that's another one of my favorite shows. I've been on it multiple, multiple times, four, five, six times. Yeah, Comedy Central next month, the High Court with Doug Benson. I love that. I adjudicate real Los Angeles nut bar court cases, and it's a lot of fun. Yeah.

Pat Reagan and Jeremiah Watkins. Hey, watch the Eric Andre show, and don't believe anything you read. I'm at Jeremiah's stand-up on social media. Reach out to me, guys. I really like it. And then watch Roast Battle every Sunday. Don't say option on social media. I really like it. And then watch Rose Battle every Sunday. That's an option on social media? Reject? Whoa.

Time for my pluggy plug, Doug. Sorry, man. I didn't know that I could reject you. I thought I had to accept you. I've been very nice to you all episodes. You really have. It's the plug Benson interruption. It's been so pleasant this whole episode.

I can't believe. You guys just watch Rose Battle on Comedy Central every Sunday this month. Yeah, and tweet about it. Everything helps. Hashtag the wave. Thank you. Joel Jimenez is on Percussions. He's on Twitter at Mostly Sorry.

Get your white powerful hoodie from Jamie Vernon at JamieVernon.com. Is that what it is? I got free t-shirts. I got free Baby Boys t-shirts. What is it, Jamie? What's Jamie's? JamieVernon.com. JamieVernon.com.

Right? Brian Redman and I and the entire Kill Tony crew are going to YoungJamie.com. YoungJamie.com. That's right. That's all one word. Young J-A-M-I-E. And a reminder, Kill Tony is going to San Francisco January 21st. Moon Tower in Austin, Texas

April 20th, 420, which is fun. And this Wednesday, here in this very room at 8pm, it's going to be a killer death squad show. Brian's got some of his funniest friends coming. Nick Swartzen, a guy named Big Jay Oakerson is going to be performing. What? Steve-O, Tony Hinchcliffe,

Tiffany Haddish. Steve-O from Jackass, come on. Come on! You love Steve-O for his standinchcliffe, Tiffany Haddish. Steve-O from Jackass. Come on. Come on! Come on! You love Steve-O for his stand-up comedy? Come on, guys. He's going to put this whole mic stand up his ass! Hey, guys, I brought a copy of Anna Karenina. I thought

now might be a good time to start reading it. You would have thought that. This was our first episode of 2017. Thank you, live audience, for coming. Have a great night, everybody. If you're filled with affection You're too shy to convey Meditate my direction

Feel me away I better shape up Take my direction, feel your way. I better shape up, cause you need a man. I need a man who can keep me satisfied. I better shape up, I'm gonna prove. I better prove that my fate is justified. Are you sure? Guess I'll show them inside. You're the one that I love.

You're the one that I love. Thank you.