KILL TONY - KILL TONY #191

Episode Date: January 19, 2017

Big Jay Oakerson, Mike Lawrence, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 01/09/2017 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... That's right. Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me.

Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at the Death Squad Podcast Network. You can go check out our website, deathsquad.tv.

There you have all the different stuff we do. And we also have video portions to all the shows. So if you like Kill Tony and want to watch it on video, click on videos at deathsquad.tv. Also click on tour dates if you want to see where we're at next. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood, California. Every first and third Friday, we have the Secret Show at the Ice House

in Pasadena, California. And every first Wednesday of the month, we have the huge, giant Secret Show in the main room of the Comedy Store. That one's huge. The next one's February 1st. So that's always a lot of fun, so check that out.

Also, me and Tony are going to be at the 16th Annual 2017 San Francisco Sketch Fest. That's this Saturday. I believe our show's around 3 o'clock in the afternoon. You can sign up if you want to sign up 15 minutes before the show. We're going to be there. You can get tickets. Go to sfsketchfest.com. Again, it's sfsketchfest.com to get your tickets.

Please join us in San Francisco this Saturday. Also, me and Tony are going to the Moon Tower Comedy Festival in April. And that's April 21st. So check that out. You can also check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website TonyHinchcliffe.com there you have all his different tour dates he's doing and check out Ryan J. Ebelt's website

he's the house artist he draws every episode and he sells them he sells the prints that he makes it's really cool he also has a Kill Tony poster and last but not least go to ShopSquad.TV.

That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. There's a couple hoodies and a couple shirts left, but not many. So check it out, ShopSquad.TV. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Rayman coming to you live from the Road Famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 5. Give it up for Tony Henson. What? Oh my goodness.

Hello everybody and welcome to the number one live podcast in the world. Make some more noise everybody. Make some more noise. How exciting. Brian Redman is here, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, guys. What's up? House artist Ryan J. Ebel just started drawing tonight's episode. He has a blank sheet of paper in front of him. At the end of the episode, you're going to see that he drew tonight's episode.

This is the Kill Tony poster. That's available at ryanjebel.com. Jamie Vernon isn't here tonight. Oh. He's lost at CES. So welcome to the show, everybody. Hey, you're at Kill Tony. And guess where else Kill Tony's going to be? At the San Francisco Sketch Fest, January 21st.

Yeah. So San Francisco, if you're listening to this podcast or you live near San Francisco, maybe my friends in Stockton can make the drive. What, what? And San Francisco, that's a really big deal. It's a 3 p. drive. What, what? And San Francisco. That's a really big deal. It's a 3 p.m. show, believe it or not. Yeah.

Something I found out. That's cool. 3 p.m. show. So if you're into 3 p.m. comedy shows in San Francisco, that's our disappointing time slot at Sketch Fest. Do we just have to stay awake the whole night the night before? How are we going to do this? No, we're flying in that day. Okay.

None of that malarkey. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? I'm excited. I'm pumped. Let's just bring up the guests first and then we'll bring up the band. Two of my favorite comedians in the world. Two of my funniest

peers. You know them from so many great great things. So many different amazing credits. Be excited and make it loud for the great Mike Lawrence and Big Jay Oakerson. Holy shit, holy shit. Here they are. Welcome, guys. Oh, man, this is fun i came to chew bubblegum and watch shitty comics and i'm all out of bubblegum that's right we have a bucket full of shitty comics what a sad what a sad like why don't you just say maybe they're going to be really great comics some of them are

and that's our dynamic for tonight guys guys. We're both sitting on different sides of your shoulder. I want these people to be fantastic and then sort of hope they're terrible. It's always a great mishmash. We never know what's going to happen. We've had a lot of fun lately. I'm excited to get into it, but before we do,

what do you say we bring up everybody's favorite band out of all the late night shows and podcasts out of everything. It's been voted that this is the number one band. Put your hands together for them. You love them. You know them. It's Reagan, Watkins, and Joel Jimenez. They have a new introduction every week.

I never know what they're going to do. I don't know what this one is. This seems like another Westworld. Oh. Here they are. A bottle of Mountain Valley spring water. The Latino one just looks like how Trump sees all Mexicans.

I wonder how long this intro was supposed to... Oh, there it goes. All right. Here they are. Reagan Watkins, Joel Jimenez, paying homage to Westworld for the second time. It's a Westworld theme, yeah. They're about to take us to Broke Hack Mountain. Mike Lawrence never looks like he's talked to a woman in his life.

And yet I'm happily married. Yeah, you wouldn't survive in our time. They stay in full character during this Westworld thing. He did it last time. I actually ended up falling in love with the Western character, Jeremiah. See how it goes tonight. How are you feeling tonight? Doing pretty good.

Just found out I'm wearing a family heirloom right now. I like that they had ripped jeans in the wild, wild west. Yeah. I reckon that cowboy's wearing Vans. I actually picked up these... This Warped Tour isn't big enough for the both of us. Horse of truth.

These two son of bitches are faster than I reckon. They are lightning quick. So let's just jump right into this fun fucking show because I'm excited about the guests, the band. Everybody's back from the fucking holidays. Are you guys ready to have a crazy fucking Monday night or what? Just before that, I know you're getting real excited, but we do have a special guest. You do?

Yeah, we do. All right. Well, go right ahead. This guy right back here, his name's Jacob, and he's our trombonist for the night sitting in. You have a trombonist sitting in with you tonight? Stand up. Play a little something.

It would not be classic Old West if we didn't have a trombone. And apparently he doesn't know how to play because he just wanted to wave. Can you give us a little sample of what your tromboning is going to sound like? All right. Well, there you go. We have a little bike horn in there.

Yeah. We have a trombonist for the night. I'm excited to see how this goes. Obviously. It is raining pussy juice in here right now. Bonus for the night. I'm excited to see how this goes. Obviously.

It is raining pussy juice in here right now. Obviously, you guys only had three normal cowboy hats to share amongst yourselves. Because for you podcast listeners, he got stuck with a stripper. A dirty stripper cowgirl hat. It looks like he took that from a Texas bachelorette party. Yeah. No, this guy, he's just a little light in the loafers, if you know what I'm saying. Oh, shit. Yeah. All right. So I have a bucket. I have a bucket. One more thing. We have a xylophone player that's coming through that door. All right. I'll continue. Thank you. Thank you, boss. Um, I have a bucket full of fucking people that signed up to do a minute on this live

show. Uh, they can do 60 seconds of anything that they want. Sometimes it's a comedian who's been doing it a while. Sometimes it's somebody's first night. Sometimes it's a genius. Sometimes it's the worst thing you've ever seen. Either way, we get to talk to them afterwards about anything in the world. You get 60 seconds if you signed up. You know your time's up and you hear the sound of a kitty.

Wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. There you go. There he is. There it was. All right. You guys ready to start the show or what? You can do a little bit better than that. Are you ready for this?

It's Kill Tony. Episode fucking 190 something. Live in the attic of the Comedy Store. First name I pulled out tonight doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds is Anthony Grabbert. Thank you. I'm great. Hey, look, I like to get fucked up, man. But not by, like, drinking or nothing. I like to find new ways to do it.

Like, I read you could get high by huffing a can of Ready Whip. I don't know if I'm doing it right, because I've gained, like, 47 pounds. That's got over a pretty bad bout of erectile dysfunction, too. Every time I... Pretty bad bout. I'd lay down with the lady you know nothing would work i take these pills and they wouldn't help but then last week i went to the doctor and it turns out i'm just uh really gay so i've been dabbling in homosexuality now um because my doctor says just a little dab will do you and uh you know i've been meeting people on grinder and

okay cupid and things like that it's great you can meet've been meeting people on Grindr and OkCupid and things like that it's great you can meet all these gay people online because before the internet you can only meet gay people in hell laughter uh I guess I'll do an impression real quick uh

this is my impression of a gospel singer oh shit you can go ahead uh gospel singer lost her faith it goes like this it's like uh oh i believed in you oh i believed in you until my kid died hello anthony gra, ladies and gentlemen. Well, thanks for answering the question, what if me and Big Jay combined into one person? It's the mashup. Hey, Tony, I just saw this film, The Revenant,

and yeah, moving picture, if you believe it or not. And this guy, to me, looks like if Leonardo DiCaprio got eaten by the bear, then he ate his way out of the bear. Yeah. I think he looks like T.J. Filler. I think he's shaped like good. That's pretty good, Brian. This show's a lot of fun.

I love this. This is great. This show's great. Are fun. I love this. This is great. This show's great. Are you... You're actually doing gay stuff now, or is that just jokes? It's jokes. Oh.

Are you getting any pussy? You think a gay guy would fuck him? Oh, there's a guy that would fuck him. I'm not gay at all. 4am, I'll give this guy a knob polish. Yeah. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah. Anthony, how long have you been in stand-up? Like two guy a knob polish. Yeah. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah.

Anthony, how long have you been doing stand-up? Like two and a half years. That's awesome. All here in LA? No, I live in San Diego. San Diego. How long have you been doing homophobia? I was raised with it, you know?

If you do that at a club somewhere and a gay guy hits on you afterwards, would you think about doing it so he doesn't blow up your spot? I'm pretty good at like, hey, that's great, man. Thank you. Like being like, you afterwards, would you think about doing it so he doesn't blow up your spot? I'm pretty good at like, like, hey, that's great, man. Thank you. Like being like, you know, I'm a comedian. I just try to...

If a guy presents to you as dick, you'd say, pretty good, man. Thank you. Not tonight. Yeah, no thank you? Is that what you said? No gay guy is into Big Lebowski cosplay. All right?

Can I just be fucking... I'm just telling you. Bigger Lebowski. It's got its own keyword search on those porn I'm just telling you. Bigger Lebowski. It's got its own keyword search on this porn site. This is the biggest Lebowski. Anthony,

you do have an interesting shape to you though. What is it? It's like a garbage bag full of teardrops. What's your favorite food? That might be

the saddest damn thing I've ever heard in my life. You just called this man a sack of garbage filled with human tears. I think we need to think about that for a moment. They don't have it like that in the old Wild West. What do you do for work, Anthony? Oh, I'm unemployed.

And yet you're wearing fur-lined hoodies, bro? That's ghetto. Thank you. Ghetto fab. What did you do before you were unemployed? I worked in the video game tester. Oh, that sounds like an awesome job. You have a great build for that.

You are the default setting for a video game tester. Create a character. Version one. What do you like to do for fun? Any special things that you do other than stand-up? I pretty much just do stand-up and watch documentaries and read. Any favorite documentaries lately? I watched this one called Kate Plays...

Kate Plays Kristen. It's about the lady who was on the news and killed herself. documentaries lately I watch this one called a cape play it's this okay place Kristen it's about the lady who was on the news and killed herself how many times did you masturbate doing that well I can only get like one out and then tiny got to real there that might be done that might be diabetes breaking news you can only get one out there good document change that to a garbage bag full of cum. Same consistency. Or like a Ziploc bag. He only came once.

What's a Ziploc? Where are your favorite places to perform? I pretty much go up at Madhouse and the Comedy Store in San Diego. Oh, yeah, San Diego. You do look like everyone who owns an Eagle t-shirt. Thank you. If me and you did have gay sex one night

and had to leave shamefully in the morning, there's a good chance we could accidentally grab the wrong clothes. If you guys fucked, the most important question would be which Slipknot song was first. The first side of volume three. Is that the type of music that you're into, Anthony?

No. What do you like to listen to? I mostly listen to hip-hop and stuff like that. Any favorite rappers right now? No. Wow. Anthony, you're really shutting down on me here. I listen to hip-hop. I have nothing.

I don't know what to say. I feel like everything I say, you guys twist it around and make fun of me for it. Naming hip-hop people? No, he wants to fuck you. Yeah, I'm laying it out there, bro. It'd be great if we traded clothes. I've always wanted to dress like I was

time-traveling in the 90s. Hell yeah hell yeah oh shit anthony's firing off missiles here look i have no problem with that it's the wild west here tonight all right anthony well you seem super uncomfortable so i'm gonna let you go thank you uh there he goes anthony grabbert Elfin Forest. He said something very important there. Yes, we are. One of the things that we do is try to twist around the things that are happening to make them funnier.

Goodbye, Paddington Bear, if he was a liberal arts major. You guys just twist everything that I say and try to make something funny out of it. What are you guys trying to make this comedy show into? A comedy show? Motherfuckers. I think I figured out what's going on up there.

I just wanted to talk about gays being in hell, get an applause break, and leave. I thought he was so brave at first. Hang on, a black woman almost attacked you for saying gays in hell. She didn't get the context. I pulled another name out of the bucket. I feel like we've seen this person before.

Put your hands together for Jarell Benasfre. Jarell? I just quit my job at Target. I was getting bullied by an autistic kid. Actually, it was a 40-year-old autistic dude. And they always put him on a pedestal, right? Because he stocks like a thousand freaking items in like 30 minutes. But fuck him.

He's autistic. Of course he can. He's always in his head. One time he was in the break room and he called me a sweaty burrito. And I was like, what the fuck? Everyone was laughing. And I called him an assrito. I was like, what the fuck? Everyone was laughing. And I called him an assburger I get sent to HR.

Fuck that. I got out of a relationship and I thought this girl was the one because she bought me an Xbox One. I should have known better. PS4. Yeah. Now I'm dating a cop. It's pretty awesome.

When we have sex, she puts a gun in my mouth i didn't know i was into that but it's pretty awesome that's all i wanted to work on there you go jor-el benastra do you always talk that fast jor-el No, I ran here and I was excited. Yeah, you were talking really fast. There's the minute right there. Just to show you exactly how fast you were talking. Tony, can I just say this guy gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Whoa, Wild West time-transported guy. I feel bad about that. You've probably never seen a set of wireless headphones before, or headphones for that matter. No, or his kind off the railroads. Very good. I get the character now. Jarell Myers on the walkin' walkins.

Just unbelievably. All right, Jarell, let's talk about it. So let's say that you probably do a lot of open mics right uh no not lately how often do you do stand how long you've been on stand-up uh march of last year march of last year yeah so but you say you haven't been doing mics lately yeah not lately why is that um djing no uh like this uh this whole uh summer was adventure, and so was this Christmas, and I'm dating a cop now. It was an adventure, and you're really dating a cop?

Like a real cop. She's a real cop. Like not a security guard. What was the adventure? Were you leading Indiana Jones in a mine shaft? Okie dokie. Okie dokie, Dr. Jones. Okie dokie. Okey dokey Okey dokey Dr. Jones Okey dokey Jarell how did you meet this cop

I dated her While we were in high school Now she's a cop And now you're dating her again That's pretty hot So you guys hooked back up How is that You're just brown enough for her not to want to shoot you.

She really put the gun in your mouth, or is that just for the joke? No, she's like, it's fine. That's fucked up. What did she say when she put the gun in your mouth? Make America great again? Huh? So great. Oh my god.

What a magical gif. Jarell. What did she say? Shut the fuck up. Wow. Why are you dressed like you're about to meet the rest of your dance crew? Are you one of the Jabberwockies? What is your ethnicity?

Filipino. Go easy on that R, Mike Lawrence. Jabberwockies. Hey, hey, don't be racist. We're just talking to this surf ninja now. He loves the movie. Jarrell, you really work at Target? I quit.

You quit? Yeah. Wow. You have a sugar mama now, so you don't really need to work at Target. How do you afford Beats headphones on a Target salary? I came up. No, no, I work at Amazon now. What do you do at Amazon?

Other than swing from the vines. I like that he already said he's from the Philippines. You're like, I'm still going to make a South American reference. Totally. It still makes sense. Jungle people. Any of those darker kinds.

I basically pick items, throw them in a tote, and send them off. It's compartmentalized so we don't really see what the whole process is. So that's where you got the headphones from. Snagged headphones. Any other fun things that you do with your cop? She cuff you up or anything like that?

Oh, yeah. Why don't you tell me instead of having me ask? What else do you guys do? You ever put the gun in her mouth? No, no. Usually I wake up like that. Like, wake up. What? Really? Wow. Are you sure you're not mistaking your arresting officer for your girlfriend?

I wake up in this prison cell. You wake up handcuffed. Yeah. Are you staying at her place a lot? That's the whole thing, right? So you're going there tonight. So she just expects you to come in there and just fucking lay the wood.

Does she wear a strap on? Not yet. Not yet? Are you open? You can get them on Amazon. Are you open for that? Oh, yeah, I know that for sure. I mean, more importantly,

why do you think the PS4 is a better system than Xbox One? I mean, that's what we're all thinking, right? I mean, Xbox One. I agree. I agree with you, Filipino. Is that true? Do you really prefer that over PS4, Mike? I'm just curious.

I think it's a better system. So your girlfriend's Kathy Bates and then she comes in the room and she goes, ah, good morning, my Amazon Prime. And then what does she uncuff you?

No, the cuffs don't go off until she's finished. Doing what, a background check? How do you think this is going to end? You're going to adopt him after this just so you can keep making fun of him. Oh, hell yeah. This kid's great. He's half Filipino, half Molly.

Let me ask you an honest question, Jarrell. How much do you like her? Do you think it's going to last? If so, how do you see this ending? Or if not? I see it lasting forever, man. You really like her? Until Krypton is destroyed

and Jarrell has to send Kal-El to Earth. Your parents did name you Jarrell. What's up with that? I send Kal-El to Earth. Yeah, your parents did name you Jor-El. What's up with that? I don't really talk to them. Your dad's Marlon Brando. I don't really talk to them. Why is that?

I don't know. They hate cops. You're fucking a cop. You're disrespecting the family. I can't wait to see you at a... There's a language barrier, I think. I can't wait to see him at a policeman's ball with an eyebrow piercing and Bluetooth headphones around his neck. I can't wait to see you at like a I can't wait to see him at like a policeman's ball with like a fucking

eyebrow piercing and bluetooth headphones around his neck fuck yeah Jarrell well good luck with everything congratulations figure out some punchlines

slow down 100% listen to your sets because you were going so fast it made us all uncomfortable oh I'm so sorry and don't chew gum

on stage like seriously it's not professional yeah would't chew gum on stage. Seriously. Would you chew gum and wear headphones at work? Would you do that at Amazon? I like that you have really expensive headphones but a digital

watch from 1997. I was going to say, before you think Filipino is the least Asian of all Asians, calculator watch. There you go. Jarrell Benaspre. You've been on the show before, right? Yeah.

What happened last time? He still worked at Target back then. Yeah, I did. You were on. Still have a shirt. Oh, wow. Well, there you go. He was on again.

Jarrell Benaspre, everybody. There he goes. Good job, Jarrell. Jarrell underscore Benaspre. We're plowing through it. We're plowing through it. Meeting people. Who's next?

How's the new trombonist doing over there? Really? We might. You guys. Jeremiah, you may have found the shyest trombonist of all time. I didn't even know you were still here. All right. Let's keep the fun fest moving along. How about Eric

Morel? This place is packed tonight, so these guys are stacked way in the back. Is he coming? Any movement back there from a guy named Eric? Alright, then guys are stacked way in the back. Is he coming? Any movement back there from a guy named Eric? All right, then we'll go back to the bucket. He just fucked his whole life up. You know this young lady?

At one point, she was a regular on this show. Now she signs up for the bucket. Kill Tony legend, Melissa Esslinger, everybody. I choked on a Lifesaver once, which was fortunate, because there's a hole in it. Just, like, choked, and then I was... Speaking of choking on a lifesaver, I flunked out of therapy today.

I didn't know you could do that. I wanted to tell her about my issues with paranoia, but I was too scared to talk about it. So I started talking about my mommy issues and she just looked at me and was like, are you done? Are you done? I'm are you done now I am she started arguing with me and about fuck my mommy issues and I was like what is this a reenactment I don't know what's going on

she tried to use her authority over me she was like I'm the therapist I'm the professional I've been doing this for 14 years. I was like, well, I've been in there. I've been doing it for seven years. I'm the professional. And I was like, well, I've been in therapy for 14 years. So I think we're about even. That was awesome.

Melissa Esslinger. Still have some of those off fucks in there that nobody would notice if you didn't mention it. You're the only person that tells us that you've gone off course if you just didn't say that and just plowed forward. Tony. Does that make sense?

Yeah. That gave me fucking anxiety. I've never seen somebody fuck with the microphone stand so much in my life. Nothing changed about it. She was shaking like a leaf. You're funny. Nothing changed about it. She was shaking like a leaf. You're funny. Holy shit!

It's sort of like her persona is literally the most nervous, neurotic human being that any of us have ever met. So much so that she was a regular for a while and it just simply wasn't working out for anybody. She was just deathly nervous every week and just wasn't changing.

After a few months it would break. But that's just wasn't changing. After a few months, it would break. But that's just who she is. That's it. She did well tonight, Tony. Oh, yeah, totally. That lifesaver thing is hilarious. You could go farther than that. You start asking for help.

It's like, can you help? And then you're like, oh, never mind. The whole noise thing, that's hilarious. Adding more to that would be funny. The only thing about the all-fucks and stuff is that that's when we know that the stuff's written and the point of like stand-up is to create that illusion that you're just

coming up with it in the moment that wasn't funny I know are you okay? yeah no I'm fine I've actually gotten a lot better about not shaking on stage but it's like it was conditioned into me like in real life like when you do go to therapy, can you tell that it was, is it true that like,

does your therapist sometimes seem annoyed? Like she seems a little overwhelmed. Like are there times when you really feel like you're like different than a normal case? No, this was like a first. We don't get along, so we only saw each other a few times. It was not going well. She ended up slamming the door when I left last time.

Yeah, that's pretty much exactly what I just asked. You gotta fuck up in therapy. She turned on you? Yeah, she was using her authority over me and stuff. I've been in therapy and I knew she was crossing a line. And she stomped out and slammed the door.

Well, it's great that you're channeling all this and talking about this real life shit. She threw a $180 check underneath the door. A bill. No. I never said this to anyone. I need your recommendation to her for Pat. I would not send anybody to her.

No, I know. I've never said this to anyone ever. You should probably try heroin. You should really try to mellow yourself out. Just snort it. Don't boot it. That's fucking TV junkie shit. Just snort a little.

Well, if the horse says that it's true, then it must be true. That's a fun fact about this show. Ride the snake. How else has life been going? Pretty good. I would say have the nervousness and the tics be a part of the act. If it's not something you can control, then it can be something that you own, and that's just a part of who you are.

Absolutely. And just play it up and embrace it. If you feel uncomfortable be the most uncomfortable you can be i mean look i am proof that ugly people can succeed so just fucking be the weirdest you you know i can he's absolutely right like for example when instead of saying ah fuck like you could say, ah, fuck, and have something like, I write jokes about losing your place or about getting confused or whatever the fuck. He's saying, own it.

You can create an entire, just like he was saying about how it's supposed to seem like an illusion, if you have jokes about losing your place or jokes about how you just fucked that up, things to go to that you know will work in that moment, then it still seems completely fun. Yeah, like maybe take on a catchphrase like whenever you feel yourself mess up, just say

Yeehaw! You know where you love her. It's the great Melissa Esslinger, everybody. There she goes. She's the great Melissa Esslinger. How about that? I love that. One of the best performances I've seen her have. It's always fun to see people after a few months.

I thought her hand was shaking so I thought it was going to like teleport somewhere. It was amazing. To masturbate, she should just grab her pussy and start telling jokes in a mirror. What's crazy is that that is a huge improvement. So there she goes, Melissa Esslinger. I pulled another name out of the box. This should be interesting.

This is a shady ass name, so we'll see what happens here. Put your hands together for Mystery Dan. Thank you. Thank you. Just go into your minute here? I am so god damn sick and tired of all these fucking fake news stories.

Started with that one about Trump winning the election. I'm watching Fox News, and they say he won. Well, I'm thinking, Fox News, fake news, that's what they do. Well, next day I turn on the TV, and it's like this thing has gone viral. Every network has picked it up. And I mean, it's just crazy. And it's like, they were so accurate. Like, MSNBC was just acting so bitchy and whiny, just like you'd expect, you know? They're so convincing. And it's

like every other day they come out with a new one. With some crazy half-ass appointment he supposedly had made to the Trump administration. I love the one where Melania's not going to move into the White House because she's too busy. Mr. Edandan Holy shit Thank you Wow Can I tell you something Mr. Edan First off I fucking love you

Thank you Holy shit Are you here to take the Westworld guys back to the future Dude I love You have a founding father haircut It's the fucking Are you here to take the Westworld guys back to the future? Dude, I love you have a founding father haircut. It's the fucking... It is incredible. Has anybody here ever seen Phantasm? Then you guys get it.

Wow, I love that. Thank you for leaving your pet rat at home. I like that someone could look even rapier in a Cosby sweater. Fucking love you. That is so true. You feel like you should just scream science and then leave. I'm glad you could be here and take time from being a piano teacher who fucks his students. Each one of his fingers smells like a different student.

A different grade. One of them is most certainly Caroline. God is in his holy temple. You're part of the infamous choir boy routine. No, but I want to hear it so bad. You just recited lines from it. I did? Yes.

Mystery Dan, you are the coolest motherfucker ever. Maybe. Welcome to the show. Thank you. This is your first time on, correct? Yes. I don't know why they fired you from conducting the orchestra. I thought you were doing a phenomenal job.

fired you from conducting the orchestra. I thought you were doing a phenomenal job. And then I started hiring a bunch of different people to play you in the KFC commercials. You look like you invented the word sheeple. I would have liked to. I really would have. We're glad you're here with us,

Mr. E. Dan. Thank you so much for having me. And not out opening the door at every haunted house. mystery, Dan. Well, thank you so much for having me. And not out opening the door at every haunted house in the country. Look at the fucking face on this. Wow.

Ichabod, you better watch your ass. We might have the greatest guest of all time. This is going to be nominated for... I call you a creepy uncle, but I can't imagine any family acknowledging your existence. Well, that's why I went with Mystery Dan. It was on my family's request.

What's your actual name? Scullum. Dan Scullum. Okay. Dan Scullum. It'd be great if it was like Jeff Scullum. Mystery Dan is just a mindfuck. There is no Dan.

Yes, my mother went back to her maiden name just to be safe. You stayed in the pocket there. I would love to see you. If you were the guy on the political channels, I would watch the dog shit out of that. What is this fake news? I could watch you for hours, sir. Your career is right on track pants. So how long have you been on stand-up? About three months now. About three months. Your career is right on track, Pants.

So how long have you been on stand-up? About three months now. About three months. I love that. You just started doing it. What made you want to start trying it out? Something you've always wanted to do. Well, no. You were getting bored living on the front of the quarter?

Yeah. Well, I was good at other things. Ever since everybody started telling you that you remind them of George Carlin's corpse. You're like, maybe I should do this stand-up thing. Maybe I should get off the Quaker Oats box and fucking get my life together. So what have you been doing your whole life?

A lawyer by trade. A lawyer? What kind of lawyer other than shady as fuck? By the way, defending yourself on your own murder trial doesn't make you a lawyer. Oh, fuck. I can't believe you're real. And you're still there. You literally walk in, and then the other guy just goes, the defense rests. I was just trying to pet her.

Where can I park my Gyrocopter outside I love it you look like you're having the time of your life Dan So you've been a Lawyer you ever been married Nope What's the life been like

Somewhat solitary Yeah I was a very closeted gay guy. Very late bloomer. Right turn. Awesome. I don't know if you're in the bars, but the first guy on the show is looking for

some dick. And it looks like you're the person that can get him back to the 90s when you're DeLorean. It's all making sense now. I should have known you were deep in the closet. That's the only way to get a sweater like that. Let's face it, that is the very last sweater that you're just like, I'll keep it.

I think it was my grandpa's or something. You've got to have some kind of set of eyes. You are the ghost of confused sexuality. The ghost of Christmas ass. Something like that, right? So that's fun. Where were you located most of your life?

The closet that he lived in. I'm from Hubbard, Ohio. Wow! From Youngstown, Ohio. That's a direct suburb. Well, yes. I was born, actually, in Youngstown. Wow. At St. Elizabeth's Hospital? Yes. Same hospital, my friend. How about that?

Same hospital. Two hilarious, gay, closeted homosexuals. Very, very funny. You wish you had the confidence that he does. Mystery Dan, as my gift to you, I will pay for you to have a session with one of our three Western fuck robots from Westworld.

Take your pick. Somebody's... Oh, yeah. Oh, the other one. You want the other one? He wants the trombone. Yeah. He wants the trombone.

Come on up. Come on up, trombone. Can you play that song again? Can you play that on the trombone? Jeremiah, you can play while he halves at the fucking guitar fella. He likes to finger work. It's like if Mark Twain was illiterate.

I love it. I feel like he'd fuck you differently, Jeremiah. I feel like it'd be the first sex session where the top comes out from under the bed. Sometimes I feel like he'd fuck you differently, Jeremiah. I feel like it'd be the first sex session where the top comes out from under the bed. Sometimes I feel like that. When did you come out? Ghost joke. About 44.

Okay. 1944? Yes, yes. What a great year. Normandy, never again. He was like, that was the day I realized I was gay and threw out all of my combs.

Maybe if I rephrase it, maybe it's not only were you in the closet, you were also under my bed when I was a kid. Is that it? There it is. Here's the sad thing. He was born gay but all of this was a choice. What kind of gay guy pushes other gay guys away?

What do you call that, an unbearable? Unbearable? I'm just spitballing here, people. We're in a little writer's room. You can go all yourselves back to mediocrity. What can I do you into, Mystery Dan? I like the young, twinkish types. All right, well, that's all of our time.

Whoa. Wow. Westworld's going to let you into Southworld. Look at that. Yeah. He loves Filipinos that have Beats by Dre headphones. This was not Anthony Hopkins' vision.

I wouldn't believe that you were Melissa's therapist. This would explain a lot, wouldn't it? I got my own problems. I got my own problems, you shaky bitch. It looks like Charlie after the chocolate factory closed down. So, Dan, you lived in Ohio most of your life.

How long have you been in L.A.? 22 years. 22 years. And you went straight to West Hollywood, and that's when you came out? Oh, well, I discovered West Hollywood after about a year, and then I finally didn't get around to telling my family. How did you discover it? What was that moment like when you found out that there was a city full of people butt-fucking?

What was that feeling? It was mind-blowing. I used to dream of such a place in my youth. In Ohio, they have no such place. You know, they don't have no such places. I think the term is dick-blowing. Especially when I grew up. I can't change, even if I tried.

Have you always rocked that hairdo and that style? Oh, no. This is just for the act. Really? What do you normally do with all that when you're not doing the same? Well, I mean, I'm normally clean shaven. You one of those lawyers with a ponytail or something? No.

Is that a wig? Man bun? Do you have a man bun? Hey, Tony. No, I haven't clean shaven. You one of those lawyers with like a ponytail or something? No. Is that a wig? Man bun? Do you have a man bun? Hey, Tony. No, I haven't worked in a couple years. You've been doing comedy for three months and you grew your hair for your act? That is a fucking commitment, Mr. Edan. I love it.

I appreciate that. I love it. Hey, Tony. Yeah. How long has he been on the dollar bill? Oh, man. So, Dan, how's life? When was the last time he had a new one?

All right, that was too mean. You all love Mystery Dan now. What else are you into? Any other hobbies or special skills or talents? I recently completed an art project that I've been working on for 10 years. What's that. Ten years? Yes.

It's basically a decoration of my apartment, but it's one cohesive artwork. Yes, nude pictures. Nude Polaroids. I just feel like there's just a bunch of dead boys somewhere. The art project is newspaper clippings of his own work that he hasn't gotten caught for yet. It's called Evidence. One body found slain. It's a wingsuit made out of the skin of teen runaways.

As if we couldn't think anymore that this guy has bodies buried in his vents. You look like you live in the refrigerator where you keep the bodies. Jesus, Pat. But in that refrigerator is a magical world. You can be whoever you want to be in West Hollywood world.

That's very good. I just want to quickly say that I do fucking love you because comedy is full of so many young, bitter, entitled dumb fucks with backpacks that quote podcast. Here's a guy who genuinely fucking does this

for the love of it and has enjoyment. Thank you. I'm telling you right now, Mystery Dan, you can come here anytime you want. You're instantly one of my favorite guests and favorite human beings. Thank you so much. What a great spirit. Thank you.

I really appreciate it. Come back anytime. There he goes. First time ever. How about that? Mystery Dan, ladies and gentlemen. The mystery is out. It's no longer a fucking mystery.

Because you just found him with us on Kill Tony. He waited for his parents to die to follow his dreams. Ha, ha, ha. No, my mother's still alive and quite well. There we go. Alive and well. Shout out to mom. Mystery Edna.

Hopefully she listens to this episode so she can hear that shout out. All right. We've seen this guy before as well. Notorious for, well, I guess we'll talk about it after his set. Put your hands together for Zach Stein. We're definitely going to see his set right now. We're going to watch his set together. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. You guys might notice there's a spot on my pants. I just don't think it's pee dribble or anything like that. It's just pre-cum. I suffer from depression. Doing stand-up, making people laugh

is one of the only things that makes me happy. I'm not trying to guilt you guys into laughing at my next joke or anything. I'm just thinking, like, if you don't laugh, who knows what I might do. I know it's very dark. Hopefully no one here has killed themselves. I won't talk about it again. You guys know how sometimes people kill themselves?

And when they do that, like, people always say the same thing. Like, oh, that was cowardly. They took the coward's way out. And I agree with that, because I suffer from depression. Sometimes I get down. I want to take a gun and blow my brains out, but I'm just too fucking brave. There it is. Zach Stein

with a new minute. Zach, you are a... You're a popular figure on this show. You've been on a couple times, and both times the story and your reputation a lot at the Comedy Store since then, what people recognize you as, like, hey, there's the guy that,

like, when we see you around and stuff, hey, there's the guy that when we see you around and stuff, you're notoriously the guy that has a monster cock that you can always see through your pants while you're performing. Now, tonight I noticed that you did something really special. You made an opening joke that makes people

look at the crotch, which, before, we just noticed it regularly. It was a very blatant thing because a lot of people say that he fills it up with stuff. A lot of people, yeah, give a little lean so that Big Jay can see. Oh, yeah.

Is that the mushroom right there? That's the head, right? Oh-ho. That's a solid dangle. It's just like Mystery Dan has his own thing. I feel like that's the nickname for it.

Mystery Dan's own thing. Mystery Dan. Would you like to meet my friend Mystery Dan? Does that thing... So what's the story with that dick what's it been up to lately Zach how big is it seven direct yeah but it's not crazy that's good though he's got like fish tank girth or something like that yeah maybe it's just like he has gigantic balls perhaps or something, right? Yeah, I got good balls. For those of you

listening to the podcast, it looks like he basically has a baseball glove in his pants. There's no real explaining. It's patchy. There's different areas that are a little bit bigger than others. You think you know right where the dick is, but what the fuck is that? You're not helping your whole I'm not really gay thing

by focusing on his dick. After he told a minute of jokes. There's a lot of bush, too. There you go. You got heavy bush? You got heavy bush? I trimmed it a little recently, but I went four years before then with just leaving it.

It also looks like you're saving receipts for tax purposes. All right. Zach, what do you do for work? I manage a hair salon in Santa Monica. Oh, yeah. Just putting your dick on people's shoulders all day? Yeah. You could be the first nebbishy porn star.

Like, I want to fuck you hard if that's okay. Pardon my bush. So you've been doing stand-up for how long? About five and a half years. Five and a half years. Do you always wear a suit? A blazer and pants sometimes, but yeah, something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My boners are all wet. The blood rushes down to the dick. It just all of a sudden just bombs out. You look like you've never said mom and have only said mother all your life. Mother. Mother. But she died years ago. No, mother. I like her.

I don't want to hurt her. But you made sure that you got her silverware or something weird like that. Parents still alive? Oh, yeah. They are. What do they do? Professionally disappointed.

Is your dad rocking a piece? Like when I was a kid, I looked pretty fucking big. I don't know now. Everyone thinks their dad's cocky. They all? Like when I was a kid I looked pretty fucking big I don't know now Everyone thinks their dad's cocky They all look big when you're a kid All of them I know

I haven't touched father's member Since I was a wee below Do you not wear underwear? No, I'm wearing underwear That's through underwear? Yeah, yeah That's a strong mushroom cap, bro It really is

That's strong I'll give, bro. It really is. I'll give credit where credit's due. Good cut on that head. Your dick has all the confidence the rest of you doesn't. Can you fuck some of that confidence into shaky balls over there? If you guys fuck later, you might vibrate into a different plane of existence.

When you're working at the salon or you're cutting somebody's hair and notice that your dick has grabbed the scissors and you're like, hey, put those down! Like that? Yeah, I want to class. Okay, cool. Looks like a rattlesnake is attached to it. Very good, Jeremiah.

Looks like a rattlesnake is attached to his dick. So Zach, what's been going on in life? Anything fun? Yeah, what's been going on in life? Anything fun? Yeah, what's the latest with your dick? You pointed out in the past that I've been super fucked up on this show, and I stopped doing that. Really?

You're not fucked up at all right now? Nah. Wow, look at that. There you go. And what happened? We can clearly tell that ever since you stopped drinking, you started going through puberty. It happened late. I'm excited about that. What else, Zach?

What have you been doing to fill the place of all the booze and drugs that you were on regularly on Mondays at 8 p.m.? Him and the other nerds have just been planning their revenge. I've been trying to get a heart attack through energy. Every time I would have had booze, I'd get an energy drink and I'm probably going to kill myself that way. How would you kill yourself? By shooting your eye out? Oh. Yeah.

Yeah. Alright, Zach. That is actually a new creative take, so points for Tony on that one. Zach, you did it again. Another spot on the show. I don't even remember what you really talked about. It doesn't matter. Let's move on.

Zach's on Twitter at hack underscore sky. Hell yeah. We're flying through them tonight. I'm excited about this. We're blasting through them. Had to spend a little extra time on Mystery Dan. I think you guys understand. Alright, this looks like a new name.

Put your hands together for Jerome Tennyson. Does that make sense? Alright, what's up, y'all? Not much, not much. I just started back work. I was on Christmas break. I'm a high school math teacher. Yeah, I love it. I just started back going. I just started back work. I was on Christmas break. I'm a high school math teacher. Yeah, I love it.

I love my job. It's crazy because I'm thinking like dealing with high school kids, you don't have to pay attention as much. But last time I wasn't paying attention, a fight broke out in class. Yeah, this is how the fight broke out. They were taking a test. It was nice and quiet. And I put my head down for a minute, you know, and I was like, okay, we're working on some jokes for Kill Tony. And then all of a sudden I heard, hey, nigga, look at your own Scantron. Now the student was like, nigga, ain't nobody looking at you, Scantron dumbass

nigga. I was like, oh, God. I looked up, saw it was two Korean students. I was like, what the hell? What kind of school am I at? And then, like, they tell us, like, when they started fighting, they tell us as teachers and stuff, we can't touch the students. So I'm trying to break up the fight with my voice, right? Like, sound like an older black man. Hey! Not in my yard! Y'all ain't gonna be doing that! And then I was like, okay, let me call

security. But this is my first year there, and I didn't know security number. So I'm sitting there for like five minutes looking for security. You go ahead. You go ahead. Go ahead. Thank you. Looking for what?

Is that it? There's more to it than that. All right. Fuck it. That was great. Jerome Tennyson. That was awesome. Thank you.

Fucking great. First time on the show, right? Yeah. That was great, man. How long have you been on the show, right? Yeah. That was great, man. How long have you been on stand-up? Ten months. Ten months? Wow, that's fun.

You really are a high school math teacher? I really am. Wow. Jeremiah? Tony, I am programmed to not like black people. But this guy is just so likable, it's just gosh darn contagious. I like the voice of Harry Gage.

I got to say, black people are so not into snitching, they don't even know the number for security. That is true. That is true. What's the number for security? How long have you been teaching high school math? This is my first year. First year. That's cool. What were you number for security? How long have you been teaching high school math? This is my first year. First year. That's cool.

What were you doing before that? I was working, doing different jobs. I was working in a chem lab. I have my degree in math and chemistry, so I was working in a chemistry lab before, yeah. What's, how else is, what else goes on in your life, Jerome? A lot of temptation. From the students? Oh, hell yeah.

Yeah, the students are crazy. Because, like, especially, like, I deal with, like, seniors. So, like. A lot of seniors? Yeah, I deal with, like, seniors. So, like, they're quick. They let you know, like, they're turning 18. Really?

Oh, yeah, yeah. So, you know, like, they want to come in during lunch. Are you single? No, I'm not. I have a girlfriend. like, they want to come in during lunch. Are you single? No, I'm not. I have a girlfriend. You have a girlfriend. She's 17. Yeah.

I'm not supposed to be talking about it. When does this air? Is this live? No, I'm just kidding. It airs in four years. You're fine. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Her parents signed off. Oh, yeah, it's got to be tough. First of all, regarding your story, Scantron could have been the name of a Korean kid. I like that one. You've been teaching. Is there a specific class or math class that you teach, like a type of math? Right now I'm teaching AP Calc. And then also what used to be called algebra or geometry, they meshed them together.

And they call it integrated math now. Wow. Yeah. They don't understand. It's weird now. It used to be like you take algebra or geometry, like separate classes. But now with the new Common Core curriculum they have, they push them together. Math is less important now because we all have iPhones.

Yeah, definitely. Just so you know, the most racist thing is this white crowd's unbelievable reaction to what you're saying. AP Calculus is like, wow!

Get right the fuck out of town! AP Calculus? How do you study between the bullets? AP Calculus, you fucking racist. What, Calculus wasn't just the name of his sister? No. I just saw two Koreans in the back look at each other and go, damn, nigga.

There you go. The cowboy hat allowed him to say the whole word I am programmed to do this You're really fucking funny Oh thank you I appreciate it Like the stand up was really good And then like

But in the moment You're fucking funny too Yeah How long have you been doing it for? 10 months Oh yeah That's what I'm saying You'll be fine

It's fucking unbelievable Is your girlfriend white? No she's not No she's black How long have you been doing it for? 10 months Oh yeah That's what I'm saying You'll be fine Unbelievable Is your girlfriend white? No she's not No she's black I said this to She's black I said this to It would all make sense then

And into guys who look like Dave Chappelle From the Nutty Professor Fuck me shitlocks Fuck me You're gonna be fucking white Comedy club waitresses for years to come bro I said that Eight years ago to Michael Che

When I was judging a contest he was in And now he can buy and sell me So Just know you're in great company Thank you Jerome What What's your favorite category in porn Great company. Thank you. Jerome, what fucking, what was I just going to ask you?

What's your favorite category in porn? My favorite category in porn is probably. Young, high school, alpha. No, no, no, you got to throw them off. You can't, just in case they check the search history. You're right, fat grandmas. You can't have that in there. Let's see, what do I like now?

He puts not high school girls. You know what's weird? Also showing results for high school girls. Definitely not young teens. He types in senior and then catches himself and goes citizens. I think I exposed myself to porn at such a young age that now everything I like is extreme now. Like what? Gaping. A lot of gaping. All right, Brian. to porn at such a young age that now everything I like is extreme now. But I will say... Like what?

A lot of gaping. All right, Brian. Nobody's asking you. I do like gaping, fisting, squirting. Jesus, wow. All that stuff. Not going to have a job. Seems like our friend from the Wild West

is a little confused over here. What is... What are you talking about? Big J. I'll tell you one of the saddest things to me is he's going, I like gaping, fisting, squirting, and I see my girlfriend for the first time at night doing this. Settle down.

You went back and went back. You beat the odds. Jerome, anything other than stand-up that you're into? Like any other hobbies or cool things? Baseball card collection? Anything else you want to say? I did used to collect cards, but then my uncle

stole them from me. To buy drugs? Yep. Crackhead uncle. You already know. That's going to be a lot of material. What kind of cards were they? I had basketball cards. Rookie cards. Like the rookie Michael Jordan card. I had a bunch.

Yeah. I had baseball cards too. the rookie Michael Jordan card. I had a bunch. Yeah. I had baseball cards, too, like Darryl Strawberry. I forgot. I had a really nice collection. To think that your uncle sold it. What if your crackhead uncle only stole baseball cards of crackhead athletes? Yeah. Pretty hilarious. Got to support my own.

Darryl Strawberry. Doc Gooden. Jerome, I love that. Cool stuff, man. You absolutely fucking killed tonight. That was fun. Yeah, great job. Real life. Cool stuff, man. You absolutely fucking killed tonight. That was fun. Yeah, great job. So there you go.

Jerome Tennyson. All right, thank you. Spelled like Tennyson. As in, I ain't playing no Tennyson. Jerome Tennyson. We're having fun. What a wacky cast. Fun show so far. You guys having fun Monday What a wacky cast. Fun show so far.

You guys having fun Monday night? Comedy store? This looks like another new name to me. Put your hands together for Jihan Sabir. Hey, guys. So I've been obsessed with this mini-series on A&E about Scientology. I don't know if you caught it. Watching it, I'm realizing Scientology was made for white people.

It's like the FUBU of religions. For us, by us used to be Mormonism but even Scientology is too crazy for them and they think Jesus has his own planet speaking of crazy religions I went to a black Baptist church for the first time a few months ago and the pastor you could tell he was like a hood rat in a former life maybe not

so long ago because he started quoting big sean uh he's like all them sinners out there all them people trying to bring me down i ain't fucking i mean i ain't messing with you i was like, really, pastor? For real? Is my minute up yet? It is. Nailed it. Jihan Sabir. How long have you been on stand-up? Like two and a half months. Two and a half months. I love that.

Well, you're definitely one of the funniest black Teletubbies that we've ever had on this show. I forgot my purse. Like Harriet Teletubbies that we've ever had on this show. I forgot my purse. Like Harriet Teletubbin or something like that. Does that make sense? You know, I'm going to take that because Black History Month is coming. You are adorable. Can I tell you something?

You are the most likable, just bubbly thing. I like your style. Thank you. Have you been running like... No no no I can't do that If I'm going for you then I have to go for Aphrodite First

Maybe I could use you as like a Sparring partner before going in there Actually right You can't just go straight into Aphrodite I will never jerk off More to a thought than Tony Fucking this chick. The concept of that makes me so happy.

Sometimes you gotta stick your bucket in a well. Make love to me, you newbie and princess. What you want, motherfucker? What you want, motherfucker? What you want, motherfucker? I want you to get off of me. You're a sweet, fine woman. Won't you back that ass off? Jihan, what do you do for work?

I'm a nanny. I know a baby that needs some sitting. You know what I mean? Everyone does. What do you mean by that, Tony? Yeah, your titties are huge. I know a baby that needs some sitting. You know what I mean? Everyone does. What do you mean by that, Tony? Yeah, your titties are huge. How big are your titties?

Big. You don't know the size? I know the size, but... That's where you're going to keep private. On a scale of one to big J's. Let's just... I don't know. Mine being perfect. Let's just say she has more D's than the report cards that Jerome fills out at the end of every...

Not with Korean kids. For Jerome, everybody, the teacher from a minute ago. I am programmed to like that. Now, when did you sew that dead octopus to your head? I know you ain't coming at me with that beard. Oh, shit. The defending, reigning, roast battle champion of the world, Mike Lawrence, is a guest on this show. People are taking shots at the throne.

It's a real episode of Game of Thrones over here. Jihan. What's up? So what do you do for fun? What else are you into? You've only been doing it a couple months. Yeah. What did you talk about tonight? Scientology.

I'm kind of obsessed with that. I watched an episode about Scientology today. It was my thought was that, and this is, you're good for two and a half months in, it's that you had good premises and as you know the more you do it you'll explore those because like you would say a punch

line like the scientology for white people thing but then say three or four sentences after which were redundant okay so like the more you do it the more you'll just like tighten it and stuff like even like the big sean thing if you ended on the act out, that would have been a more solid joke. Oh, now Mike's trying to fuck. Oh, boy. She noticed my beard. We're going to look like Neapolitan ice cream in a bed together tonight.

You're the polar bear. Yeah, definitely. You knew I was going to fight you, asshole. Gee, Han. What else are you into? What do you do special when you're nannying? Oh, hello. Brian must know more than us.

Do you do anything special when you're nannying that's cool? Whips and babies, Red Band? Breastfeed. Wow. Breastfeed? They wish. Chocolate milk. What do I do special with them?

Little white kids? Yeah, of course they're white. That's hilarious. They're Jewish. They're Jewish. Oh, they love those titties. Wouldn't it be crazy if they were Fran Drescher's kids and you were like the nanny's nanny? It's a Jewish lady in LA, you pieces of shit.

She lives in New York. Oh, the show took place in New York. Oh. I think she lives out here now. Actually, my family is from New York. They're from New York, the family I work for. Really? That's why I like them.

Jews from New York, surprise, surprise. Well, that's fun, Jihan. Yay. You doing, like, all types of different shows and everything? You hustling a lot? What do you do at night? What do you do at nighttime for fun? You dating anyone?

No. Have you been like out on the scene? Are you on any like apps or anything like that? Yeah. Well, I used to be on that Bumble app. Yeah. And then what happened? That shit is fucking garbage.

Why is it garbage? What happened? Tell us something. It's just full of bullshit. Like they make it seem like it's for the girl They're like, oh you make the first move Yeah And then what happens?

I get a dick pic I'm like, hi! Smiley face, dick pic Do you like dick pics? What? Do you like dick pics? Do you save them and look at them for a while? Are you trying to fuck? Everyone's trying to fuck? Yeah.

Everyone's trying to fuck. This is going down, I think. Jihan, that's an interesting name. What is your ethnicity there? What's the story behind Jihan? I'm black. Really? Jihan Sabir. Yeah, I'm black. I'm from Oakland. Oakland. That's terrifying. Yeah, my name is Egyptian.

Good. It is Egyptian. Yeah, you got it. Motherfuckers. It's Egyptian for we just made this up on the spot. Oh, that was a black joke, huh? Pat has something to say. Thinly veiled, though. Tell us something crazy about you.

I feel like we're missing something. She nannies for Jewish kids. I just found out a pretty interesting fact over here. Go right ahead. Pat, do you want to say it? I got nothing to say. Can I say it? Yes.

Pat has had sexual relations with this woman. Two and a half months? Yeah. Pat, does she have big yarmulke nipples? This show... Wow. Brian Redband. Did he have the hat on the entire time?

That hat? That's hilarious. I don't like rednecks. Did you have fun with Pat? Do you want to talk about this or no? Does it make you uncomfortable? If so, we could totally move on. I am programmed to want to hear more.

Yeah. I think we all are. And by the way, I love that I was literally just saying, I feel like there's something that we're missing here. And all of a sudden, it was like, I fucked her. For the first time ever in the show's history. It was amazing because every one of us, she was like, you trying to fuck?

You trying to fuck? And Pat Reagan was holding in, been there, done that. Pat, I guess the question is, should we be trying to fuck? Yeah. Yeah. So tell us about Pat. Give us some dirty info. Yeah, anything funny that you remember about Hook?

Not funny. You know what? Let's not worry about funny. Was he a generous lover? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah? In what way?

Like, did he take his time? Yeah, it's like it's time. He put like a jodeci album or something Yeah, I'm from the 90s. Do you know what I did the first time I played cameo for him Oh word up you got fucked the word up by a white boy And I don't know cameos alive, but if he is and by the way, I'm pretty sure that I just heard the first time. Oh! Cameo! I met when we...

First time we met. The first time we met. The first time. Like the very first time. Why don't you ask Pat? He's the one who brought it up. Pat, what up? What up?

How excited is the Westworld guy just got? It's the one thing that glitches him up. Interracial relations. Jeremiah Watkins is on another level. Pat, any fun memories? Any flashbacks that you're having over there? Do you mind if we ask him super candid questions or you don't want to know? No, go for it.

Go for it. Where'd you finish, dude? Where'd you finish at? I gotta know. I don't remember. Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do. Everyone remembers the first time they see their batch on that hot black skin.

Hold on. I'm going to take a guess. I got this. Yeah. Analysis. It didn't work. If I guess correctly, will you tell me if I'm right?

Yeah. You remember? Oh, wow. He's interrupting me. Does she goddamn remember? I'm about to nail it. You fucking remember too, Pat, you piece of shit.

Of course she remembers. How could she forget? So if I guess, will you tell me that I'm right? Yeah. He finished on your back. I think I got this one. Okay, go ahead. I'm going to say either inner thigh or filled up the belly button.

Yeah. Fucking Lake Chisholm right in the belly button. Yeah. I do have an Annie. Oh, shit. Was this at your house? No diving allowed. I would say finished in a Hyundai.

A Hyundai? No. Where did it happen? I'm not doing car sex. Did it happen at his place or your place? Both. Both. No. She said both. doing car sex. Did it happen to his place or your place? Both. Both?

No. She said both. The first time was your place and then the next time was his place because you got tired of being threatened

by your cousins. Yeah. Wow. This is a magical episode of this show. They fucked so many times, Tony. I know. It's really, we're finding out, and Pat's sort of a little bit more shy about it,

and I love it, because he's the one that brought it up, and now she's like, oh, you want to bring this shit up? We're going all the way up. Pat. Nothing can stop us. Who is Mystery Dan,

not the most uncomfortable part of this show? Yeah, Mystery Dan's... I forgot Mystery Dan existed. It was three episodes ago. Until right this moment. Wait, did we ever find out where he finished? No, who guessed inner thigh, belly button? I said belly button. I'm going to say right on the fucking titties.

I'm going to say he went for it. That seems like the target. Elephant necklace, right on the elephant necklace. And by belly button, I mean mouth hole. Yeah. What do they call a mouth hole? It's the button to her belly. Pat, you want to give it one more guess?

Nope. All right. Who's right? None of you. Ooh, right inside. You piece of shit. Pat never came. That of you. Ooh, right inside. You piece of shit. Pat never came. That's right.

Maybe he never came. He couldn't get it up. Oh, my God. Yeah, in the condom. Oh. Is that the answer? Is that the answer? That's the answer.

Wow, in the condom. Inside of her was the... That's like a weird fucking riddle. Yeah. Trick question, bro. Overreach. Thought the condom was in your butt? Yeah.

Come on. Give me that fucker. Yeah. Word up. When in Rome, do what the Trojans do, right? They do say, you know, if you want to milk the cow, you gotta get a glass of milk. Alright.

I like that you tried dancing your way out of that. Must say fit. Jihan, you are beautiful, stunning, lovely. You have the charisma of a thousand warriors. It was so nice to meet you here tonight. Feel free to come back anytime.

The great Cihan Sabir. Owning the moment, by the way. Come on, make some noise for Cihan, everybody. A lot of people break down there. Cihan. Staying in the pocket, staying comfortable, and owning the situation. I am programmed to fail at certain moments

to appear I am human Alright Well, let's do this and then maybe if we have time we'll go back That did not save it either If we have time we're going to go back to the bucket after this, but we're going to get our one regular We have one regular, the great Vanessa Johnston

moved on a couple weeks ago. And we have one regular right now. And you know her and you love her. And this is her last appearance before she takes a small break and heads to New York for a couple months. Here she is. Allie Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen. I also fuck Jihan.

Thank you. I also fuck Jihan thank you I was going to talk about my pussy yet again but my mom is here with me so I've decided not to talk about that which is probably a bummer for you guys but I am curious me and my mom I went to see, I went to see my baby niece or whatever she is,

and she was so cute. You know, she has her dad's eyes, her mom's face. And I'm just wondering, like, do I have my mom's pussy or my dad's? It's not something you can really ask or find out, you know. But I'm like, Mom, does yours hang a little to the left too? And how do I ask my dad? Hey, Dad, does Aunt Cheryl have a loose puss?

Where does it come from? That's it. Unbelievable. Did it again. The streak continues. Another new fun minute. It's amazing to me what a knack week after week you have at being able to come up with more.

Talk about my pussy. Yeah, pussy, but fun self-deprecation and make it fun. I realized I did an open mic last night, and I kept talking about my pussy. And I was thinking, I was like, if I went to college, how much different would this set be?

You know, all I got is this puss and that's all I'm hanging on to. Is your mom really here? Because I know she watches from home every week. Yeah, she's here. the great Mrs. McCoskey,

ladies and gentlemen. Is that right? Fuck yeah. Yeah, she's a sweetheart. Yeah, she's the best. Yeah. So, Allie, how's life going? You're about to go to New York.

I am. Which is an interesting part of this storyline. You spontaneously decided to just head to New York for a couple months. Yeah, I posted on Facebook for a friend if anyone had a room for him, and then someone messaged me about a room that I was like, oh, this is perfect for me. I'll just book a ticket one way and figure it out. Yeah, and then you booked a ticket,

and then the room got taken. And then the room got taken, so I was like, well, I got this ticket and nothing else. A one-way ticket. Yeah, so now I'm just going to go for a little trip, and then I'll be back. Boom. Can't wait to take my pussy jokes over to the big city.

That's right. It'll be so refreshing. This girl just came out of nowhere and already has 23 minutes on her pussy. As a New Yorker, I'll say, we're ready for your pussy. Thank you so much. The big apple meets the big peach. Tony Ingeglobe is a golden god. Wow, thank you.

He's got the charisma of 17 warriors. Wow, thank you. Isn't that what you said? That was pretty awesome. I enjoyed that. I liked that compliment. I said a thousand warriors. You have the charisma of a thousand warriors.

She does. Bubbly big black girls are the greatest things in the entire world. Sorry people. I know a lot of you are racists and don't want to hear that. But yeah, they're better than you. Shout out to Aphrodite. There should be like a Death Squad

show where it's all the comics who fucked Pat. Who would headline that? I don't know. Maybe Jeremiah. He's programmed to do that. Reagan and Watkins. And Joel Jimenez.

And the shy Trump player. Oh, he's still here. Allie, anything else you want to say before you go off to New York for a couple months? This could be the last podcast Allie's alive. Why would I be dead? He's a realistic guy. He's just stating a fact.

He's trying to help us out. We were talking about her pussy in front of her mom and everyone was fine and comfortable and then you had to go too far. Time traveling or something weird that's not good for podcasting. I was also going to say, I wonder if ingrown hairs are hereditary.

Mom, I'm going to use third base coach. Ingrown hairs, problem or not? Does it run in the family? Mom, do you think you have a big pussy too? Let's just get to the good shit. You have a perfect pussy. Wow, look at that. No ingrown hairs?

I think your mom's... Just think, Allie. By the time you come back from New York, it'll just be seven more months until you meet your new little sister that I'm going to make in your mom's perfect pussy, guys. You guys all missed it.

It all came out super awkward. Can we edit that out immediately? Can we edit out a live podcast? Tony, do you have any more questions for Ally's mother? Oh, you have the microphone over there. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Ally's mom, do you want to bang that black school teacher guy?

Would you? I think that pause was enough of an answer. I got another question. What's all the hubbub about fucking Pat over here? Just crushing black ass. Allie hasn't fucked him. Huh? Have you had sex with Pat?

I haven't, nor has Allie. Wow. Really? But would you if we could get Allie on more shows? Allie can get her own show. Oh. That doesn't sound like the confidence of a perfect pussy. I'm just saying, Mom.

You seem like a lovely woman. No, that's the kind of independent woman I'm programmed to hate. Ally, you're an absolute killer. We are going to miss you. We love you. And best wishes. We'll see you when you come back. She'll be right back here performing a new minute.

Pat's going to fuck your mom. Pat's going to fuck your mom. Pat's going to fuck your mom. Yeah, that is true. Pat's probably going to fuck your mom when you're in New York. He's on a mission now. What'd she say? She said, see you next Monday.

Oh, shit. Let's just say her saloon doors are open for back. Damn. All right. I'm going to go to the bucket one last time. It's going to be quick, and this is a name. Put your hands together for Paul Douglas Moomjean. Gene. So I just got back from the Central Valley.

That place is hideous. And I'm not just talking about the weather, the people. This is an ugly group of people. They gotta look at each other all day. I didn't think I should move up there, pretty the place up a little. I'm at least a Fresno 9. I could win Miss Bakersfield.

If I was walking around stocked with my shirt off, people would be like, hey, who's the skinny guy with the gray tan? I've tried everything to lose weight. My doctor told me I had to. Exercise didn't work. So I joined a cult. Herbalife.

Say what you want, but I lost 15 pounds. And no one cares. Well, I was feeling good about myself. Then a 400-pound man comes up to me and goes, you know, guys like you and me. That's offensive, right, Jeremiah? Especially guys like you and me. There you go.

Paul Douglas moved, Gene. Obviously nailing a joke there. A running inside joke on the show that Jeremiah is extremely fat. You knew that, right? Going into this? You listened to the show before? I've listened to the show, but I actually,

I hosted for Jeremiah a few months ago on his show. Oh, you know him. When this happened, he just saw you as fat. You already know him. Yeah, so you know he's fat. That wasn't even about the joke on the podcast. He really just threw you under the fucking... Sorry, buddy.

This just got very real. This show started with a fat blonde and it ends with a fat blonde. Book ends. Love it. He has the cadence of Mystery Dan from the past. Yeah, you do have a really cool thing about you, Paul Douglas Moomjean, even though you have the last name of every school shooter of all time. Paul Douglas Moomjean.

It's Armenian. Is it? If you change the E to an I, it's Moomjean. You're Armenian? Yeah. Wow. Really? That might be the E to an I, it's Moomjian. You're Armenian? Yeah. Wow. Really? That might be the most disgusting thing I've ever heard.

You're Armenian. I like one-fifth or whatever. You're like George Taxi Cabstanza. Yes. Does that make sense? With the body of Newman. You look like you still can't emotionally accept the female Ghostbusters.

It was a good movie. What else, Paul? Anything else about your life? Anything crazy you want to say? Because we have no time left. No, you got the Verzi's coming up? Are they here tonight? Special shout out to the Verzi triplets.

We've run out of time, unfortunately. I got to bump the Verzis? Oh. No, let's give them 60 seconds. No, we can't. We can't. We can't. We can't.

We can't. We can't. We're literally over time. There goes Paul Douglas Moonjean. Special shout out to the Verzi triplets. We love you guys. We'll get you up here next week. The drawing from Ryan Shea-Ebel.

I mean, look at that shit. What the fuck? Unbelievable. Special shout out to David Deary helping us out. Jamie Vernon back at home. RyanJEbelt.com for your art prints. Josh Martin Comic, Allie Makowski, Allie's mom. Follow her at PerfectPussy.com.

Pat Reagan. I just thought of a joke when All asked if I would headline that show. Me. There you go. Pat Reagan's on Twitter at Patty Reagan. Jeremiah Watkins is... At Jeremiah's stand-up on all social media. Reach out.

I really appreciate it. He really does. He actually does respond to you. I do respond. If you reach out to him, he has so much extra time. I do. And not enough going on. It's true.

To where he literally responds to everybody. Where you'll get lucky to get a favorite from me. He'll literally type out every fucking response ever. I've seen him do it. And check him out on Roast Battle every Sunday, 11 o'clock. Roast Battle, Comedy Central. And my joke was funny

because he has so much going on. He's also on the goddamn Comedy Jam on Comedy Central. Yeah. His own hit show. Joel Jimenez is on Twitter at Mostly Sorry. Big Jay Oakerson has a new show coming out on CISO called What's Your Fucking Deal? I did it. Crowd work show. Yes, you did.

New York City. So fun, man. Yeah, and listen to Legion of Skanks and Bonfire and all that good shit. Legion of Skanks is one of my favorite podcasts in the world. Big Jay, you're one of my favorite humans. I love you, Tony. Thank you for having me, man. Anytime I'm in town, you can have me on here.

I love you, buddy. Reigning, defending, amazing, Rose Battle champion of the world, the great Mike Lawrence, everybody. Yes, sir. What's going on with you, Mike? Zany Chicago, February 16th through 18th. Yes, and I'll be at Zany Chicago soon after that

in March or April or something like that. I love that club. Great times. See Mike Lawrence at Zany's. Follow him on... And the trombone guy. A trombone is at Mount St. Harrington if you want to follow him on Twitter. Yeah, no one wants to follow him on Twitter. He doesn't tweet at all.

We'll see how this storyline develops. You guys were here the first night that the shy trombone player came up. Live audience, thank you. Good night. See ya. Good night. I'm just going to take a picture of him. We'll move it back down. We've got to go all the way.

We've got to go all the way. Hey, slide over. I love you. That's a good one. Продолжение следует... you you