KILL TONY - KILL TONY #192

Episode Date: February 2, 2017

Anthony Jeselnik, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 01/16/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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every first and third Friday we do the Ice House, and that's in Pasadena, California. That's the secret show there. And then the first of the month, every first Wednesday of the month, we do the big secret show at the Comedy Store. We're doing one tonight. It might be too late for you, but you can always check out DeathSquad.TV and click on tour dates. Also, a big announcement that we are now doing secret shows at the Laugh Factory on Sunset.

The first one is next Wednesday. So that's with Joe Rogan. It's got Brody Stevens, Kate Quigley, Brian Holtzman, and myself. That's February 8th is the first one. So check that out. Also, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for all of Tony's tour dates. He's all over the place. 8th is the first one. So check that out. Also, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for all of Tony's tour dates. He's all over the place.

And he has his whole tour dates there. He also has his merch. You can get all his stuff at TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode and the Kill Tony movie poster. You can find everything at RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least,

shopsquad.tv, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. There's some kitty cat t-shirts and hoodies left. So check out shopsquad.tv Alright, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Ray Benk. I'm here live from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 5.

Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Hello. Welcome. Good evening. Make some fucking noise. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Holy shit. Holy shit.

So excited about things. We're live stream right now on DeathSquad.TV. That's fun. DeathSquad.Live. DeathSquad.Live. We are live right now. Hello and welcome everybody to the fun show. We have a house artist here drawing tonight's episode, Ryan J. Ebel. He has a blank

sheet of paper, so while all of you are being lazy and just enjoying the show, he's drawing tonight's episode. You're going to see that at the end. Jamie Vernon is not here. Josh Martin comic, look at him. He's the real guy. Look at that nerd. Listen to that buzz. He's in charge of figuring out what that is. The producer

of the show. Make some noise for Josh Martin, everybody. Some hot buzz. We're in San Francisco this Saturday doing Kill Tony live at San Francisco Sketch Fest.

So those of you listening to the live stream around there, go there. You go to sfsketchfest.com. It starts like in the afternoon,

like 3 o'clock or something like that. We're also doing Moon Tower. Kill Tony is going to Moon Tower. That's in April, April 21st.

And I'm doing stand-up everywhere. San Antonio, Calgary, all these crazy places. That's all at TonyHinchcliffe.com. Your website's down right now. Is it? Yeah. Oh, boy. You got hacked or something. Thanks. Thanks for telling me now on a live show. I don't know when you found that out at any point.

I just found out on the way here. On the way here? Yeah, because I was looking at your website to find the dates before we went live. It's down. Yeah. Well, there you go, people. Since it's expired. It's a real live show right in front of you. Just got the news broken to me that my website's down. You saw me earlier.

You didn't tell me. I could have easily have sent a text. No, I literally just found out right before I went. Well, if anybody's listening to the show that knows how to fix my website, do that real quick. Breaking news. My website is down. Anyway, we're into the show now. Every week I always have hilarious guests on. Tonight's a special episode where we're going one guest because you know what? I figured it's just too fucking good. Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you one of our favorite guests, one of our favorite comedians in the world. You know him from The Roast and so many great things. It's the great Anthony Chesilnack, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah! Life is good. Anthony Chesilnack. Thank you. You know the show. You've been here a bunch of times. How's life? Everything good? Things are good. I was telling you, this is my

first day of sobriety. Oh, yeah. After about three weeks of a real bender. And I think that's why I made the decision to come here tonight. I was like, if I'm going to be lame, why not be the lamest? I thought... And you

are committed. I thought that this was in the main room now. I thought you told me that. It normally is. Every other week we do the main room. So it's like belly room and then main room, belly room, then main room. But there was some fundraiser thing. Some rich people literally bought out the main room tonight. So we bumped up.

I look at it as a promotion. I look at it as information I would have liked to have had. You have a no belly room clause? Well, it's about to get worse. You know the Kill Tony band. Everybody loves them so much. They do a different intro every week. They try to keep it original, something in the news, usually something like that or anything.

Put your hands together for them. It's the Kill Tony band. Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel Jimenez. Alright, they have I think this is a Martin Luther King All right. They have a... I think this is a Martin Luther King tribute. They are holding a... With the Martin Lawrence theme? Yeah.

Very obscure. To the theme song of the Martin Lawrence show. But with Martin Luther King masks on because it's his day today. Wait, wait, wait The back of yours has Raisin Bran Did you guys get those off of cereal boxes?

Is that a thing they do? I made these What happened to the lady? When I was at the print store today Getting them printed out The lady was like, I'm glad somebody's honoring Martin Luther King today I thought they were the crying Michael Jordans At first at the print store today getting them printed out, the lady was like, I'm glad somebody's honoring Martin Luther King today. I thought they were the crying Michael Jordans at first.

Martin Luther King is kind of actually like the ultimate crying Michael Jordan. It's true. I have a dream that one day the audio on Kill Tony will not sound like dog shit. It is a little bit.

Was that what you thought he sounded like? A little bit janky. You were way off. What's your cereal, Pat? Oh, multigrain. What's that one? Multigrain spins. All right.

Hey, audience, if you could make this weirder, that'd be great. Wake up! I don't approve of the masks. I would have if you hadn't cut out his eyes that's what freaks me out yeah it does make it really creepy can you even see through that what can you see through that like i don't want to sound racist but it seems like his nose is a little bit bigger than yours like wider so it seems like those eyes are pretty spread out. Can you really see through those? Yeah, I can see the audience right now. I just picture you doing it.

He can see the racial inequality in America. What's also funny is that Jeremiah's nose is so long that when he puts the mask up against his face, it just looks like Martin Luther King is looking up at the ceiling. You have a big nose. All right. So the whole setup is here. You guys know how it works. People sign up to get pulled out of a bucket.

I have a ton of names in this bucket right now. If your name gets pulled out, you come on stage and you do 60 seconds of stage time. Sometimes it's one of the top rising comedians that we've never seen before. And sometimes it's crazy people. We've met a lot of fun characters lately. I haven't been here in a while like what are the uh what are the odds um it's really tough sometimes you get like all like these like cool stories and like everybody kills sometimes everybody bombs sometimes it's a mishmash so it's hard to say but i'd say one out of every three people

are pretty like it's we're gonna find out something really crazy about them. So just to recap everything you just said, one out of three people. If I had to guess, but sometimes it's all of them. We were holding these masks like whores in a lineup, like hoping to get chosen by a John. All right. Yeah, real good one, Pat. Whoa.

Whoa. A little turmoil there between the band members. Yeah, he's been texting my girl lately. Whoa. Is this true? I don't want to talk about it. Dude, he keeps airing my business on this show. I don't want to fucking talk about it.

You're texting my girl, and I'm tired of it, dude. It's freaking... Aphrodite's been texting me, everybody. Okay. Let's go. Don't you dare do that! You did that to Jeselnik at the top of the show and I think it said a weird tone because Jeselnik, his first

line, you give him a wop, wop, wop. He's a freaking guest. Treat him like one, Red Band. He was talking about... At the time, he was talking about not doing good. So I think the sound effects sort of made sense. But the second one, now you have reached your limit on Price is Right. It's an interesting feeling in this room right now. And what's amazing about this show is that it's so great that I just know it's just going to be a blip on the map.

That's what's funny, right? It's probably Pat Reagan's stellar opening setting the great mood in this room. Anyway, if I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds. You know your stage time's up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. There you go. Oh, that's how loud it could be the whole time. That one part when he turned it up,

that's how good the audio could sound the whole time. You guys ready to start the show or what? Monday night, Kill Tony in the attic of the Comedy Store. Are you ready to do this shit? All right. Let's see what happens. 60 seconds of uninterrupted stage time goes first

to a guy named Rob Smallwood. Ooh la la. Whoa. No Rob Smallwood movement back there? The comedians are shoved extra deep tonight into a stairway. Rob Smallwood, isn't that a name for Jeremiah's dick? There is some turd. It looks like he flaked just like Pat does on our rehearsals.

Whoa! I thought you were going to do a dandruff joke there. Put your hands together for your next person, Zach Stein. Hey. I've been losing weight. It's got me at a weird weight right now, though, where it's like I'm not fat enough to complain about it in public, but I'm not skinny enough to be happy.

It wouldn't be such a big deal, but there's so much pressure to be thin from society and for me it's not like magazine covers or anything like that it's way closer to home i'll be on like dominoes.com you know like this pizza serves three to four people i'm like fuck you dominoes i don't need you telling me how many people i am and i mean like i just moved and there's temptation everywhere. Like, there's a Chick-fil-A right down the street from me, and it's so conflicting because it's like, I think their food is dog shit, but I love their politics.

And I burned 1,000 calories in 30 minutes the other day, though, which some people think is impossible, but it's not. If you believe in yourself, and you tell the elliptical that you weigh 600 pounds. Boom, look at that. Zach Stein. You've been on this show a few times. You were on last week, too. You have good luck on this show, huh?

Yeah. I know this guy. You do? Yeah, I actually know him. He works at... He works for the lady who cuts my hair. Yeah. Wow, yeah.

We do know that about him. He's known for working at a hair salon and... What the fuck just happened? Speaking of balls dropping, he's also known for normally... He's famous for his dick sort of showing through his pants.

Not tonight. This is a different Zach Stein. This is the first time out of... I saw a helmet. I mean, Brian also pulled out binoculars. He's known for it or he has a bit about it? No, it just happens. You just do it all the time. He comes through a lot?

What is this, three or four times? Yeah, about four. You can usually see the outline of his cock. Yeah, very clearly, obnoxiously clearly. More than anybody we've really ever seen. Even from your angle. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's worse on the angle.

It's really not happening tonight. And he doesn't put it straight up under the belt. He just kind of clops it on one side. I think three out of your four appearances were probably in khakis, right? No, these pants. But I'm losing weight, so I got them on my fat thighs. He called them khakis. Oh, Pat. Yeah, another great one by Pat Reagan.

Whatever, dude. How much of that stuff was new? Not really. Not really? Nah. Did it freak you out to see me here? Were you like, oh, shit, dad's here? Yeah.

Anything crazy happen at the hair salon this week, Zach? You were on the show last week, right? Yeah. Anything crazy happen at the hair salon this week, Zach? You were on the show last week, right? Yeah. Nothing real crazy. Someone quit and I had to interview people. Who quit? Which one? Lindsey, the assistant with the long black hair.

I don't know anyone's name. I didn't know your name was Zach until fucking this day. You talk like you're shoving the last bit of something through. Like just, does that make sense? Yeah. Just like very little, like you give the minimum amount of effort when you talk. Yeah, I had to hear you people. Because his dick is so big that normal motor functions can't work properly

because the blood is flowing all the way to his penis at all times. Anyway. Zach, Martin Luther King here. Martin Luther King here, Zach. You talked about feeling fat in your joke. If you're feeling fat, maybe you should go on a million man march. Stop it. He had a big dick too. Oh my

God. Alright, Zach. Well, you were on last week. Let's just fly through. We're going to get another one up here. There you go, Zach Stein. Good job, Zach. Fun joke. I love that Chick-fil-A joke. Chick-fil-A. What a nightmare this is turning out to be.

There is a weird feeling in there. I've been waiting for it to give up, but it's really not. I'm waiting to see if it's just going to handle itself or if I have to be funny for a minute. This is usually a fun time. But when you told me tonight, I was like, who else is judging? That's the fun part. You were like, oh, it's just you. I thought we're in for a rough one.

No, it's not. No, Zach Stein was just on, literally. I think he was the last person on the last show. No, I liked him. He was funny. Anthony's face. But it's weird to see someone you know and then have to just watch their comedy. Anthony's face.

Your face during my Martin King Jr. bit. It was a face. There you go. Holy shit, were you calling that a bit? Oh, it looks like you offended Jezelnik. Going down. Oh, it's getting weird over there. It's a very weird show tonight.

It's like if you like the wave, but you wish they were less funny. You would like this band. I pulled another name out of the bag. All right, one second. Pat and I were doing a bit where we were going to be angry at each other the whole podcast, but guess what? We're joining forces, and we're going full steam at Jazz on Mac. Oh, my God.

So you better watch yourself. And watch yourself, audience, too. What's wrong with everybody tonight? What's happening, everybody? We can't do a whole show like this. Everything's okay. We're just getting started, guys. Relax, Jeremiah.

I don't know what's happening over there, but I pulled another name out of the bucket. Hey, you shut the fuck up. Now that's unacceptable. Pulled a name out of the bucket. 60 seconds uninterrupted Kim McVicker so Trump's gonna be our president

I'm Canadian so I don't really care yeah you're Canadian too did you hear about the immigration site crashing on election day I'm Canadian, so I don't really care. Yeah, you're Canadian too? Did you hear about the immigration site crashing on election day? The Canadian immigration site crashed on the election day. So it's harder to get into Canada than you think.

You have to prove that we need you in Canada if you want to go. So we have some beautiful women here. If you want to move to Canada to become a stripper, no, this is 100% true. You have to send a naked photo of yourself to the government. You can Google this. That means there is a man whose government job is to look at naked photos all day long. What? What if he has a fetish? What, are we going to get a bunch of

midget strippers? I don't want that. I am short, but I'm not that short. I can't even imagine the rejection letter. There we go. Wow. Kim

Mickvicker. How long have you been doing stand-up? About a year and a half, maybe. All in Canada? No. No? No. How long have you been out of Canada?

Well, since I was like 16, maybe. Yeah. I really had to think about that. How long have you and Anthony Jeselnik been wearing the same T-shirts? Oh, my God. How long did it take you to zero in on white T-shirts? The whole 60 seconds, Anthony. I mean, I didn't come here for this kind of disrespect.

I thought you had, like, a really interesting premise. I was like, oh, a Canadian talking about Trump. I even thought the thing about strippers was interesting. You had, like, these great premises, and then you just, like, crashed them right into a wall. You know what I mean? I think I would just, like like rework with what you have, but like your instincts are good. You're just bad at everything else.

Yeah, when he started getting really angry going, and then you have to, I kind of freaked out at that point. Like it seemed very uncomfortable when he started doing that. And like you're new, so I won't make a big deal out of this, but white t-shirts are my thing.

Oh, so sorry, so sorry. What do you do for work? I used to tour as a dancer and now I host dance competitions. Like what kind of dancing are we talking about? I used to tour for like P. Diddy. What? Wow.

Like the actual P. Diddy? Or for like P. Diddy. What? Wow. Like the actual P. Diddy? It was like the token white girl. Or for like P. Diddy? No, for Puff Daddy. Wow. Now, do you have to be the most amazing white dancer to be the one white dancer with Diddy's crew, or do you have to be so mediocre that no one has ever threatened you? I think that that's really what it is, the latter.

I don't know. Yeah. Any fun memories of hanging out with Puff Daddy? How long did you do that for? Oh, that's what I moved to America for was dance. I toured forever. The best story for Diddy, I'm thinking, off the top of my head, is when Hurricane Katrina hit, he was hosting the VMAs,

and we got trapped in the dome. The Superdome? It was in Miami. Whatever the VMAs were held that season, it was like two days before the VMAs. And Hurricane Katrina hit there, but we were trapped in there but getting paid. I mean, that's how we all remember Katrina. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hope so.

But he was like, I think I actually have video footage of this. He got on the mic and was like, if you guys need your dick sucked and all this stuff. I can say that, right? I don't know. This is a clean podcast. So sorry. You need to clean it up. And is it me?

Or does she look like Jerry Springer just sent her to boot camp? Oh, man. Oh, my God. Jeremiah, what is going on with you tonight? Yeah, why are you so proud of that? There's a special thing happening. Anthony ruffled my feathers, and I am teed off.

Take your feathers and take a breath. My heart is racing. What are you talking about? It's beating so hard right now. Just anger is pumping through my body and veins. This guy's got a lot of feathers. Hey, Red Band, do you have something that she could possibly dance to? I know this is a podcast and this is very visual.

Very good. You were ready for that one. I like that. Very good. You were ready for that one. I like that. Very good. So now you're teaching people how to dance. So what kind of like... Yeah, I host. It's weird.

What does that mean? I just stand on stage and I'm like, you get a platinum medal. I'm like, that's basically what I do. Wow. And I talk to little kids. You got platinum medals? No, like if you go to a competition of sorts,

but for dance, I'm the person on stage who gives the awards and like college scholarships.. You got platinum medals? No, like if you go to a competition of sorts, but for dance. I'm the person on stage who gives the awards and college scholarships. But they're platinum medals? Platinum is the highest score you can get in dance. They've changed the scoring to make it feel better than gold. So it's like platinum, frankincense, and myrrh? I wish. I wish.

No, no. Yeah. I don't know why you're asking so many questions. You look like you go there every fucking weekend. I keep stumbling. I got too hot. Did Puff Daddy ever try to hook up with you?

No, I'm not his type in any way. Black. She means black. Well, Puff Daddy gave her his shoes. I think she meant female. You meant female, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, what do you mean?

It was a joke. I thought he was joking. Those shoes are perfectly fine. That was ridiculous. If you're listening at home, don't believe them. They're Timberlands. They are Timberlands. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you said that

you're not his type, and he said black, you shook your head no. Why is that? What is his type? Well, in my experience, it's ambiguously ethnic, not necessarily said black. You shook your head no. Why is that? What is his type? Well, in my experience, it's like ambiguously ethnic, not necessarily just black. I am black! All right. On Martin Luther King's day.

So sorry. I don't know. I don't know. I can't say for him. I don't know. So how were you able to get out of Canada? That doesn't make sense. I started touring when I was little for like Sabian Glover and then him and then a bunch of other people.

People just gasped at that one name that you said. He's a famous black tapper. Tap dancer. Tap dancer. Yeah. Oh, wow. There you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How did you get to work with Puff Daddy? I just auditioned. In Canada? No, I was here. No, yeah, I was here. Yeah, it was out here. Anyway, this is going nowhere. So sorry, so sorry.

How much time do you have stand-up-wise? Good jokes, less than 10. I don't know. Seconds? Yeah, maybe seconds. I feel like 10 to 15. Do you talk about being a dancer in your act? No.

No, no, no. Does that scare you to do? I just don't know any. I think I'm too attached to the topic to think of something funny from my angle. I'd be too specific. That means it's perfect to talk about. I understand. Yeah, I feel like I should, but I'm being honest.

I don't. Every time I'm like, oh, but that's not accurate. I don't know. I would say make that your goal. Make that like you're dancing with P. Diddy and then achieve it. Okay. Yeah. Sounds like a goal.

That's awesome. Kim, it was nice to meet you. Thank you. That's Kim McVicker. She's Kim McVicker. I used to have an Italian teacher named Miss McVicker that I hated. She's Kim McVicker. I used to have an Italian teacher named Miss McVicker that I hated. She hated me. I think we all did.

I try to be positive. I know. Yeah, let's flip it around. Hey, you guys remember that one episode that you came to? No, they already forgot about it. It's funny Okay This is just one name

Put your hands together for Thurston Oh, here we go Put your hands together for Thurston, everybody Oh, here we go. Praying together for Thurston, everybody. Yeah, thanks to your show, man, I just got out of jail because I put this on Twitter that I'm going to kill Tony, and unfortunately a guy up the street by the name of Tony was actually killed and only evidenced my dumb ass tweets so like it didn't help that my neighbors also ratted me out there's like yeah he's been talking about going to kill Tony for the past couple of months so like I'm in the

interrogation room and the detective's like yo so why you went to go kill Tony I was like no I'm a comedian to open mic that's not what it is like oh you're a comedian is that what they call you on the streets you find murdering people funny I was like no I don't he's like well I got a nickname for you they're gonna call you open mic in jail because all the inmates are gonna get three to five minutes inside your asshole I'm like no sir that's, that's not what's happening. But luckily, I got off because they actually found the murder a couple of days later. They let me off. So I was like, I'm not going to do this no more.

I'm actually going to become a comedic actor. So I went on this audition. And I got the part. It was this. Fuck yeah. Put your hands together for Thurston. Fuck yeah, put your hands together for Thurston. Perhaps the first comedian ever to do pretty much a whole minute on the Kill Tony that can only really work at Kill Tony.

No, it works everywhere else. I actually get laughs for that joke because they think it's a real story. But you set it up like there's a show called Kill Tony? Yeah, I do. Right, wow. And that works? Yeah, I do. Right. Wow. And that works? Yeah, it does work. Holy shit.

Yeah, they get drawn in like, oh, did he really go to jail? Oh, yeah, and I bet you're playing some great rooms. Really getting the word out. I appreciate the promotion. You're welcome. That's great. What do you do for work? I work at Lexus right now.

I'm a transporter there. Transporter? Yeah, we're a porter. Porter? Yeah, that's what they call it. Yeah, that's what they call it. Porter, shorter and shorter. Yeah, that's what they call it in the industry. Wait, what? Did someone say transporter?

Is that the fuck's his name? It's Jason Statham. I work with Darren at Lexus. Yeah. You know, in between the movies, sometimes you just gotta make a quick buck. Wow, Jason Statham. Wow.

Where are you taking people to and from? Like to their house. Mostly out of the UK. Sometimes I hide people in the trunk. Sometimes in the backseat. But I always get there on time. That's true. That's true. I get there on time.

This is the great thing about live radio. You don't have to listen to it. I have the audience on my side for the one time tonight. And I brought this to the grave. Thurston. Yeah, that's my middle name. Oh.

Yeah. Switching it up? No, I just wanted to go by my middle name, see what's up. That's cool. Yeah. Didn't want anybody to recognize you as the Black Stormtrooper in the Star Wars movie. Are you different on stage as Thurston than you are in your real life as your real name? Well, that is also my real name, Thurston.

My full name is Darren Thurston Davis II. I get the concept of a middle name. I appreciate it. I'm saying that when you only go by that you're like two different people no not at all you're just wasting everybody's time not at all

they're enjoying themselves what do you do for fun Thurston do you have any special skills or talents other than stand up I like to drink and just hang out with friends that's a great answer I don't think we've ever had that answer before yeah he nailed that yeah beautiful honesty

do what are some of your favorite things to do just chill like what do you what do you and your friends do what do you guys hang out at sometimes we go go to that bar, Davey Wayne's, and hang out and chill, meet people, talk. That's what normal people do. You must think we're the biggest fucking losers in the world. Nah, you guys are all drinking water, so you guys are just sober, I guess. Yeah, well, we're successful now. We don't have to do that shit.

sober, I guess. Yeah, well, we're successful now. We don't have to do that shit. Wow, what happened to that good cop, bad cop thing you were doing? Wow, Jason. So, Thurston, what else is going on? You get laid doing that? Yeah. What's it called? Davey Wayne's? It's a great bar.

We have a pickup line that you use? No, I just go with the flow, whatever's happening, it just happens. Just go with the flow, transport a porter. Like, this is gonna work, yeah. Nah.

Do you have something planned out with the girls or something like that? Always. Why the fuck are you asking me questions? What do you think's going on here right now?

What do you think it says? So is it set up? Like, come think is this? So it was a setup? Like, come on, man. Hit it back to me. The fuck? So like the last time you got laid, like how does that go down? You go up to a girl. What happened then?

Like what was going with the flow that night? Like a one-night stand? No, we just like were speaking to each other. She's staring at my eyes I'm staring at her eyes So I'm just leaning for the kiss Like we're kissing And it's like, you know

Wow, it happened that quick? Did you guys just talk about anything at all? No, we like No hello or anything? Yeah, hello, goodbye Sometimes the exact same thing happens to me I'm staring into a woman's eyes She's looking at me

I'm looking at her Then I realize she's a spy I judo chop her in the neck I punch her in the gut And I flip her around Light some gasoline on fire And then she goes up in flames As I walk away in slow motion

So you're looking at her eyes She's looking at yours You're starting to kiss You're still in the bar? Yeah And then what? You remember any about the conversation or anything? The conversation is over.

Oh, wait. Okay, yeah, I remember. It's like, oh, you're a comic. I could tell you're funny. You have a nice smile. And I was like, oh, thank you. Yeah. And then what did you say back to her?

What was your compliment back to her? I kissed her. There was no compliment. You got to go for it, bro. You got to, like, the least amount of speaking is probably the her. There was no compliment. You got to go for it, bro. You got to... The least amount of speaking is probably the best. Fuck yeah.

I have his back. If someone comes up to me and they're like, hey, you're a comic, I get to kiss him. I love this. Thurston, you are like a young Bill Cosby

over there. No. Just as much silence as possible. What do you mean, Tony? What kind of talking are you doing to girls? Nah. I just go eyes and straight to the kiss.

Yeah, man. You look at me, you're fucked. Nah, it's like, you feel the vibes, you know, like you can feel it out. Like, all this stuff, we're still animals, and like, you can like, sense each other out, you know? Right. So then you're kissing in the bar. Then what? How long are you kissing at the bar for? I'm not really.

Brian has the bar music that was playing. Wait a second. What the fuck? That's the Cosby theme. Even Jason Statham knows that's the Cosby theme. Big fan. So how long are you kissing

at the bar for? No more than 25 seconds. Wow, 25 seconds. And then all of a sudden you're at the bar for? Like, no more than, like, 25 seconds, you know? Wow, 25 seconds. And then all of a sudden you're inside of her completely. No, not even. Just moving it back and forth. We're not fucking in public, man.

Yeah, straight in. We don't fuck in public. You sound like a real gentleman. Did you take her back to your place? Nah, like, usually, like, the girls in Hollywood, like, they're from, like, outside of the city. So, like the city, so they have their own spot around here. So we just go back to their spot. Well, me. What's your living situation?

You have roommates? No. Yeah, my parents. They're my roommates. Wow. So you're born and raised here in L.A.? Yeah, I'm from the Valley. No, I wasn't born here.

I was born in New Orleans, but I was raised out here. What part of New Orleans? The Charity Hospital area, like Carroton. Okay. Yeah. I went to Tulane. Oh, you did? My godfather went to Tulane. He played corner area, like Carrollton. Okay. Yeah. I went to Tulane. Oh, you did? My godfather went to Tulane.

He played cornerback for them. Oh, cool. Yeah. What year you graduated? 2001. Nice. I need like a best friend song that you can play. He's my best friend, best friend, best friend.

What's that? Young Thug. You're the one who's been trying to get advice from this guy on how to pick up women. It'll be perfect for moments like that when somebody wants to kiss up or when there's a connection. You know you're saying that into the microphone, right? Yeah. No, but it's funny for the listeners

to listen to the next episode and he fucking drops it. The place goes crazy. They'll be like, oh shit, Tony was right. What else, man? Anything else cool? You ever go skydiving or whitewater rafting? Nah, but I would like to go skydiving. went on a fishing boat trip like during the summer with my pops and off of catalina that shows do you know how to swim yeah i do why did i get a laugh

i was just curious i would ask anybody that nah but like i learned that i learned how to swim out of fear though yeah like i was afraid of drowning so i was like you know what never again like i'm not I learned how to swim out of fear though yeah I was afraid of drowning so I was like you know what never again so I decided to take just like the summer to learn how to swim from my uncle and shit

that's awesome alright man well that was fun Thurston anything else for Thurston? guys you good? Did Jeremiah leave? Oh, shit. Wow.

Jeremiah Watkins is gone. He'd had enough of this episode. Is there like a magic trick or something? Yeah. All right. He'd had enough of this episode and he decided to leave. Oh, okay. Was this the climax?

I didn't know we were allowed to do that. Fuck. Was this the climax? I didn't know we were allowed to do that. All right, let's keep moving along. That was fun. Great stuff, Thurston. There you go. With literally a Keltoni minute. Thurston. Back to the bucket we go.

Ramsey Badawee. Badaway. Badawa. Ramsey Badawee. Badaway. Badawa. Ramsey Badaway. Hey, everybody. How's it going? Hi. I've got a ton of student loan debt. Anybody else? Cool. One sad person.

Awesome. Nice. I have $35,000 of student loan debt. I don't regret getting student loan debt. What I think I regret is looking at my anticipated payback date. That's what I regret. My anticipated payback date is 2035. 2035.

Do you people realize how long 2035 is? ISIS will have their first female president, okay? ISIS will have their first female Latina president. We'll still be thinking about it. We'll be like, we'll see how that goes over there. I have a lot of credit card debt too. Tons of credit card debt, debt which I'm okay with I kind of like credit card debt I think it's nice because at least someone gives a shit if I kill myself you know what I mean like I swear to god

if I ever get suicidal and get near the ledge of a bridge Chase Bank is the first one on the ground with a megaphone every time fuck yeah there you go Ramsey I don't know Tony I came late to that Porsche you know what I mean

yeah it's rough I got uh I just totaled my car too really yeah what kind of car was it it was a Nissan Versa it was pretty nice 2012 how'd you total it I hit was a Nissan Versa. It was pretty nice. Yeah. 2012. How'd you total it? I hit, well, a semi-truck hit me, and then two weeks later, I re-rendered somebody.

Wow. Which one was the one that totaled it? The guy. All right. Yeah, that's pretty rough. There you go. And we are back. Yeah.

Anyway. Ramsey. So, huh. What do you do for work? I work for... You look like you call yourself to collect your own student loan debt. Nice. No, I do like... I do TaskRabbit, and I also work for like a company.

I just do like data entry and TaskRabbit. That's also work for a company. I just do data entry and TaskRabbit. That's the fun. That's the cool one. What did you go to school for? Political science, psychology, economics, and then screenwriting. Now, TaskRabbit, people can hire you to pretty much do anything, right? Yeah. They just offer you.

You see what the offer is. Yeah. Right now, I'm helping a woman put together her case to divorce her husband. Wow. Yeah. It's not bad. She's sending me a lot of interesting texts. How much an hour are you getting for this?

Well, so that one I'm getting like 20 an hour. It's not bad. It's not bad. You got blowjobs. Yeah. No, it's pretty crazy because she hired me because she's like, this stuff is so personal. I don't want to tell anybody I know. So she hired me because she's like, this stuff is so personal. I don't want to tell anybody I know.

So you're doing it on the internet on a live streaming show. I've not said anything. It's wild. Do you have fun doing that? It's cool. One time a gay guy paid me $60 to kill a cockroach.

Wow. I've been there. Right here, baby. That's great. Do you talk about that? No, I don't. That's amazing. Yeah, I don't know. You totally should. You know, what's more? I don't know. Okay, I'll try. $60 to kill a bug. Yeah, it was great. Imagine how, like, wow. Yeah. I will pay you $60 to kill a bug. He literally wrote, he had like an ad like you send out an ad and it just said there's a cockroach in my living room and I just can't

that's all it said dude that's amazing he sounds like one of those people who's funny online and then really annoying in real life yeah I think so probably yeah well I mean I didn't know you were funny online. Ooh.

Oh, good one. So, Ramsey, where are you from? I'm from here, like Orange County, and then yeah, I just moved here. I live in Echo Park now. That makes sense. Yeah, I guess. That's fine.

I hate it. I really do. That's why it looks like you're dressed like you're umpiring a Little League game in an Urban Outfitters. Yeah, that's fair. He looks like if Josh Martin got his shit together. Yep, I do. Yeah. I'm so sorry, Josh Martin. I'm so sorry. Gets that all the time.

That's rough. Man, that's fun. That's funny, that TaskRabbit thing. Any bad, bad, bad TaskRabbits? Bad offers? Things gone awry? No, nothing really. It's all been pretty good. Let me ask you this.

When you showed up, all right? You show up at that guy's apartment or something like that? Is he in the apartment? Yeah. Oh, yeah. He opens the door for me. And then what? What does he say? He opens the door for me and he goes, it's in the bathroom.

He's like, there's spray in there. Just kill it. And then I don't even want to see it. So I don't even, like he, I could have just done nothing and just been like, all right, I'm out of here. How long did it take you to find it? When you turned around, was his dick in your mouth? No.

No, it took me, it was like a quick, it was a pretty big cockroach. Do you carry mace with you on these jobs just in case? I used to drive Uber And so I'd have like a pepper spray I don't know why I did It was all fine Everyone's good Or not

Why did you have four majors? I think I was scared to leave college So I just kept changing my major. How old are you? 27. Yeah. What do you do for fun? You know, I mean, I have a girlfriend. I hang out with her and shit. I used to play

music. I don't really do that anymore. Yeah, I used to play music. That was like the thing I did. And then I quit that band that I was in, and then they became world famous once I quit them. And then, yeah, now I just sort of stare out of a window and sigh. What's the band?

They're called This Wildlife. They're huge. Yeah, they're really big. What did you play? I played bass. I played bass, and then I was like, all right, I'm going to go to law school. And then they were like, all right, well, we're just going to be an acoustic project. And then now they're like – Literally, I had a Google alert set up.

And then literally like a week after I quit. Yeah, this is them. Wait, this is you? No, this is my old band. This is them without me. No, wait, they actually are successful. They're very successful. And I quit because I was like, I'm going to law school. Fuck this.

Oh, my God. And literally like a week after I quit, I got a Google alert that was like, this wildlife sounds crazy deal with Epitaph record. It was just like comically bad. How soon after? Like within weeks. It was bad. Yeah. Oh, my God.

I got a Nissan. That's crazy. I got a Nissan. That's crazy. I got a Nissan Versace. We just stumbled across some gold here, didn't we? Yeah, I guess. I don't know how to talk. It's such a weird thing to be like, you guys know when you used to almost be famous? You guys know that.

It's like a weird, I don't know how to. It doesn't need to. You got to find a way to be able to tell your story, though. It's not about being able to relate. Yeah, I guess. It's being able to. But don't relate to that. Everyone's imagined not buying the lottery ticket that wins them yeah sure you know like fucking up somehow that's very relatable i guess you're right and way more interesting than

anything else sure you're ever going to come up with we put a lot of work i agree how does that go down like were they i mean so yeah i quit I quit. And then they were like looking for new members. And then it didn't work. So they were like, let's just do acoustic kind of stuff. Did you ask to come back? No, I didn't. But I'm like, hey, can I open for you guys now? And they're like, maybe.

We'll see. Oh, my God. I quit. Yeah, I literally feel like I quit to pursue my dream of someday opening for them. That's what it feels like now, and they won't. Would your biggest nightmare be picking them up in an Uber? Okay, so, one time, one time, I, this is 100% true, one time I picked up two, like, teenage girls,

and I was like, yeah, here's the auxiliary cable, and the first thing they did was they plugged it in, and then they played my band, and I just drove them for four dollars to a bowling alley it was miserable i mean that's like that's where you know it's all in that realm man yeah i guess yeah you cover that shit and you had you know your material was great but these you know these couple things that we've dug out of you since then are really interesting. Sure, yeah. So, I mean, that's fucked up, man.

Yeah, yeah, it sucks. I mean, yeah, it sucks. It's fine. They're good guys. I'm still good friends with them. If you're out there, I still want to open for you guys. Oh, it just got sadder. Don't blink. You might miss it. You know, we're still friends.

We're good. It's all good. That's awesome. Is your girlfriend cheating on you with them? I, you know, right now, at this point, I wouldn't be getting double railed by the other members.

Yeah. It's real. Like, just hanging my friend's girlfriend. I don't even know what they sound like. Yeah. You pretty much nailed it. I mean, it's not that far off.

Yeah, see? When you hear this, do you picture them fucking your girlfriend in this? Now I will. Thank you. Just slowly. She's squirting for the first time. You've never even seen her do that before.

You're just like, babe, I didn't even know. Never gonna get hard again, thank you. This wild life. Yep. And then I quit, and then I worked for the Republican Party for a little while. I always wondered where those types of people

come from. That's what it takes. Unbelievable fucking heartbreak. To the core. Just cold as ice you know what I'm sick of hearing this wildlife you know what I'm gonna join the Republican

motherfucking party and work for them from the ground up four majors it was a weird few years I didn't know who I was I was you know processing 9-11 it was a long time what's I didn't know who I was. I was processing 9-11. It was a long time. What's your ethnicity? I'm Palestinian, so yeah.

Boing, boing. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I lived over there for two years, too. So it's like... In Palestine? Wait, wait, wait. This thing of you leaving the band,

how close was that to 9-11? Oh, it was well after. It was a good decade. Oh, okay. Yeah. You made it sound like... No, I was just like a weird... In the montage of your life,

those two went together as you were talking. I totally understand how it made it sound like that. It would have been great if 9-11 was the day after they made it. And they had a song about it, too.

You're like, oh, they're going to be rich. Oh, boy. I think it'd be worse to have it happen the day before. The day before 9-11? No, 9-11, and then you get kicked out of the band. Oh, boy. I think it'd be worse to have it happen the day before. The day before now? 9-11. No, 9-11 and then you get kicked out of the band.

Oh, boy, yeah. That would be pretty... People are just slamming your windows like, get out of here, you. Or if they kicked him out in between the two towers. We can't pass you off as Mexican anymore, Ramsey. Get out of here. Wow.

Ramsey's an interesting first name, right? Yeah. So my grandpa fought in World War II and he knew an English dude. Which side? He had to fight with the British. Palestine was a British mandate. This is boring. I'm sorry. What a missed opportunity. Right? I don't know.

I can't say anything. I won't. Okay. I mean, yeah. I won't okay no I mean I mean yeah I won't make an anti-semitic joke is what I was trying to say thank you but yeah

what else Ramsey anything else crazy happen in your life lately no just the fact that I'm thinking about filing for bankruptcy and you know

just yeah just that I lost my car dude I'm on the fucking bus now it's Mr. Paul hey man listen And, you know, just, yeah, just that. I lost my car, dude. I'm on the fucking bus now. Hey, man, listen. All your problems are over now. You're getting into stand-up.

Here we go. How long have you been doing this now? So I've been on the bus now for like a month. Just pure bust. Oh, you mean stand-up. Oh, sorry. I thought we were still on the bus. Stand-up. I just, just like almost three years.

Almost three years. Yeah. Yeah. Your ISIS joke was hilarious. I mean, you're funny, so at least you have that going for you. Thank you. I think you're going to do really well, man. Thank you.

I appreciate that. You have a lot of real life stuff that you're not even taking from yet. The task rabbit and the fucking. Girlfriend getting fucked by your bandmates. I will. I will. I'll delve into it. I'll get into it.

I mean, that's just a crazy fucking story. Yeah. How long did it take you until you found out that they signed that deal a few weeks after? Right away, you probably... I found it because I had a Google Alert still on my email because I was like, hey, maybe... And it just said like, bling, bling, bling, bling.

You look and it just says, your friends are making it without you. Yeah, exactly. Like it literally said, signs unheard of deal with Epitaph Records. Yeah, exactly. It literally said, signs unheard of deal with Epitaph Records. Oh, fuck. For a second I thought he was saying he had a

Google alert set up for 9-11. And yeah, sure. That would be huge. Well, man, absolutely hilarious. Appreciate it, man. Thank you. There he goes. Ramsey Badaway, everybody. He's on Twitter at Ramsbad Ramsbad

Are all these guys repeats? It's a mixture Comes in and out Last week we met a guy named Mystery Dan I just pulled a name out of the bucket This looks like a new one How about Johnny Stewart? My favorite comedians are Dave

Attell, who's the funniest guy on the planet, and Patrice O'Neal, who's the funniest guy in the planet. I thought that was going to go better. Oh, man. I had, um... Now I'm all flustered.

Fuck. Thinking about fingering my cat. She's in heat right now, and she just runs around the house rubbing her ass on everything and fucking making annoying sounds So like My pinky's about the size of a cat's dick Right? So if I can just give

Princess A good finger blast And Maybe I can get some sleep tonight You know what I'm saying? First joke I ever wrote was My favorite vegetable is Christopher Reeves My favorite fruit is Elton John

It didn't get any laughs then either There you go Minute from Johnny Stewart Maybe sing inside How long have you been on stand up About three years Three years Those were new Really

I was actually on Kill Tony Like three weeks in doing stand up with Ralphie May And then he was like Three weeks in with Ralphie May Yeah no I was like three weeks in doing comedy And Ralphie Mae. I was three weeks into doing comedy and Ralphie Mae was there. He was my fucking comedy idol, pretty much. Is that here? Yeah.

He was telling me, dude, you should quit comedy because I was married and it was going to fuck up my marriage somehow. Since then, I got divorced, guys. Drink up. Ralphie was actually right. Fucking called it. Wow. You didn't think you were going to get divorced when he said it. No, I mean, you know. Wow. So Ralphie was actually right. Fucking called it. Wow. And you didn't think you were going to get divorced when he said it, but... No, I mean, you know.

Right. Yeah. You keep getting more southern. Yeah, I don't know what that's about. Yeah. How often do you go on stage? When you say three years, like, where are you doing it at? Where do you live? Well, I used to live in San Bernardino, but then

so a lot of my kind of connections are out there and doing like an Inland Empire and shit like that. So I just kind of moved back to L.A. since the fucking wife split. You moved back to L.A. from San Bernardino? Yeah. How far away is San Bernardino? 60 miles. Oh. Yeah.

Do you finger blast your cat with those gloves on? Yeah. Think about it let me mention something about that finger blasting the cat bit is that the reason why it's interesting is because it truly sounds truly sounds like you're just a guy that's really considering fingering your cat like it doesn't really seem like there's really it doesn't seem like you've written anything for it. It seems like you're just a guy sort of really pondering and excited to finger your cat. Love animals.

Just use Bengay in a Sharpie. Why would you use your finger? Oh, jeez, Brian. How do you go lower than Johnny Stewart? I'm trying to figure out how he's so bad after doing it three years. When they go low, Brian goes lower. Your first joke was really good and the one that you didn't get a reaction to.

And I just didn't get me. It took me a while to figure out what you were talking about. Whoever it was. It's very inside baseball. But you're saying inside the planet instead of in the planet. Just saying inside would probably make in the planet would probably be just saying inside would probably make it easier for people to understand first of all that

motherfucker was cremated and scattered so that shit doesn't work secondly when you got on stage i saw how you were dressed and you were like my two favorite comics are and i knew which comics you were going to say do you Would you dress like that tomorrow around 2.30 p.m.? Yeah, pretty much. It's the only clothes I own, pretty much. I believe that's the only friends you have, too. San Bernardino.

There's a good one, yeah. You got a friend in me. So, wow, Johnny, what do you do for work out there? I mean, how long have you been in L.A.? Oh, I lost my job at the beginning of the year. So I've just been driving for Uber. The beginning of what year? 2017.

2016, yeah. So I've been driving for Uber because it's, you know, I don't have to make much money. I don't have a mortgage. I didn't realize they had Uber XX. What are you lugging people around in? Mostly just right next to the colleges. No, I mean, what are you driving people in in an Uber? Like an 89 Camry with a cradle of filth sticker.

Uber Hearth. Uber Pedicab. Hey, can we get the sound to get them one less microphone? Then we'll have no microphones. No, I had to sell the house, so just took the proceeds, bought a Prius because 50 miles a gallon, fuck it. So you sold your house in San Bernardino. You had a house.

Yeah. Wow, this is some real fucking like, I feel like you should have signed up for like Jerry Springer or something like that. This is powerful shit. Sold my house, San Bernardino. This is one of the storylines on the newest Grand Theft Auto game, by the way.

You're up there, San Bernardino, that fucking guy Trevor. You know what I mean? There's certain things you could do with the character. You can get him strong and all this other stuff, or you could just let him go and let him live this weird thug like Sam Bernardino life. That's sort of the route you took. You went to the store and you got fingerless

cotton gloves and you're like, I'm fully committed. I love it. They're like vests for your hands hands why'd you get a divorce yeah that was like was the was it the woman or you oh no she she split uh i don't really know why like she used to cheat on me all the time she used to cheat on you all the time your wife smoked cigarettes once in a while so she left me i don't really she was a bowler she split she convinced you that it was because of the cigarettes, Johnny? Yeah, pretty much. Like, I mean, I get it.

Like, if you want to leave, I know what I look like. You could do better, probably. Wow. That's sad. Jeez, you got to start hooking up with uglier chicks, Johnny. Yeah, for the past year. Wow. You're special.

I know what I look like. So if you want to split i get it like how did you find out that she was cheating on you uh well i mean she cheated on me like a bunch during the course of our relationship and i was always how do you how did you know that though like how do you know that uh just fucking looking through her shit you know when she gets that weird fucking when she starts acting weird you're like right, let me see your fucking phone. She's like, no. I'm like, bitch, I bought the phone. Give me your fucking phone.

How long were you married until she started cheating? I was with her for nine fucking years. Wow. So at about the fifth, five-year mark, she started cheating on me, and then I was like, well, I mean, I can't afford to rent without you, so let's fucking try to work this out. Whoa. So you guys were just like non-fucking roommates for four years? No, I mean like we fucked, but then she also got a bunch of other shit going on too.

Was it mostly black guys? I'm sorry. So what was the problem? Yeah, right? No, the last time she cheated on me too was with like the only guy that went to our wedding, and she took our kid to that motherfucker's house. Oh. Yeah. And then she left me. Wait, there was only one guy at your wedding?

Yeah, it was really small. We didn't have money. My grandma went to church so the bishop made us a cake and had it all for fucking free because whatever. She used to get beat up on by her sister, but my grandma, while staying at her house, and she was really religious,

so the only way to get her out of that house was if we got hitched, so fuck it. The sad music doesn't work when it's actually sad. I don't know if you know this, Brian. Wow, Johnny. You seem like,

I mean, this lady seems like tough. Did she ever make you videotape her fucking another guy? No, luckily not. What did she do? Hmm? What'd she do? Like computer shit or something. Like dating websites?

Like porn? I wasn't really into her all that much. Oh, wow. Bless him, everybody. What did she do? All my friends, wow. Bless him. What did she do? All my friends, apparently. Right after she filed for divorce, two weeks later, she was immediately dating my best friend.

And he was the first guy I went and confided in. Like, oh, dude, my wife left me. It's so funny that you thought they weren't fucking before that. Yeah. They totally were. It was this wild life. You just hear Ramsey shoot himself in the head in the back of the green room right now. Pop.

There you go. Johnny, is the Sam Bernardino stereotypes true? Have you smoked meth before? I have not. But you know a lot of people that have? Oh, yeah. Pretty much everybody. Did your ex do that?

I don't know really what she was up to, to be honest. Yeah. Apparently. Yikes. Boy, oh, boy. So what's been happening fun lately? Anything exciting? Dude, like 2016, I wanted to take a year off.

Well, you got to do that. You got fired. I don't have a mortgage or anything or any real responsibility. She has full custody of the kid right now, so it's all good. But I worked 300 hours. The entire year, I worked 300 hours. I was working at Six Flags Fry Fest. I got fired for smoking weed on the job.

Six Flags what fest? Fry Fest, like their Not Scary Farm. I was a zombie. It's high the whole fucking time. Wow. Why is your tone that of someone who's bragging? Because it was fucking awesome. Wouldn't you want to get high

and just scare hipsters all fucking day? How long through the night until you got fired? How long did you last? I lasted, it was like the last fucking week, but then I almost fucked this chick in Port-A-Potty that was dressed up like Harley Quinn. So I was kind of on like an emotional high, so I was just walking past the park.

You what? You whated with a girl dressed like Harley Quinn in a Port-A-P like an emotional high. So I was just walking past the park. You what? You wanted with a girl just like Harley Quinn? Yeah, I saw this. I saw this chick. She was like a nine and she was dressed up as Harley Quinn. And I was like, oh, I was like, oh, I work here. Let me get you in all the mazes for free. And I try to fuck her in a porta potty.

You tried to. Yeah. Nines don't go for that. That didn't stop you. Yeah okay yeah no but we were smoking a joint and then you know some guy with a badge came up and he's like you work here and i was like oh fuck here we go where were you wait okay so wait a second though i want to back up for a second just like we did earlier uh so were you inside of the porta potty with the girl for that moment the harley quinn the no we were we were walking by the backstage area and then i was like fuck port-a-potties you wanna and she wasn't having it port-a-potties wanna and

she was like oh fuck that that shit works sometimes you gotta go focus on me listen to me keep it over here johnny what did we like like how did that really go like did you say like hey you want to hook up in the port-a-potty like oh yeah we were making out and shit like that but she was pretty dumb so i didn't really want to catch your number but so i was like if this is gonna happen it's gonna happen right now because i don't want to go for fucking coffee this chick is born a nine a nine that was hanging out with you nines are fucking terrible like they don't have to develop personalities i hate when you say a nine you don't mean... Yeah, like a San Bernardino nine. It's like an LA-4.

I'm asking you if you're a pedophile. Oh, no. You're talking about the pros and cons of nines. We've all been there. Wow. Well, Johnny, what can I say? You get fired as a zombie That's pretty fucking tough

When you can't pull off Living the life of a You know Brainless fucking You look like you get All your clothes won From places that you work I do buy all my t-shirts

At rock shows Or swap meets So yeah I dress like These are the only clothes I fucking have pretty much. Yeah, you look like

a Hot Topic mannequin. Big drinking problem. You have a big drinking problem? You a heavy drinker? No, not anymore. Is that because you just finished your beer? No.

Problem solved. No, it's because I just got divorced beer? No. Problem solved. No, it's because I just got divorced. I don't have a reason to much anymore. So you were more upset before. You knew what was going on. It was stressful. It's the best. If you're married, fucking get divorced.

I swear to God. How old is your kid? Three and a half. All right. Oh Oh I got this I got my daughter and ex-wife on Oh shit wait Perhaps the saddest tribute I've ever seen in my entire life It don't get much more white trash than over here

Isn't there a way you could pull down the collar Instead of having to lift all the way up to your upper shoulders? Got to show off the beer belly. Any ladies want some? I'm single. Your odds would be better if you were inside of a porta potty right now. All right, buddy. Well, there he goes.

Thank you very much. All the way from San Bernardino, Johnny Stewart. Thank you very much, guys. All the way from San Bernardino, Johnny Stewart. I feel like Johnny Stewart might be a fake name, too. Why would you think that? You guys having fun or what? Yeah! All right, this looks like a new name.

Put your hands together for Ray Easter. All right, hey, how you guys doing? All right, cool. So I've been out in L.A. for a little while now. One thing that I've noticed is people are very Outspoken about what they believe in And they like wear that shit on their shirts Which is kind of annoying when I see it Like I was out in Santa Monica

And I saw this woman with this shirt That said I'm one of the Badass vegans They warned you about I was like really? I must have missed that public service announcement. All these badass vegans running around here just smacking

hot dogs out of people's hands. And crip walking away. That's a sad one, man. Shit, what else? I'm not prepared to come up here, man. So I want to talk about there you go there we go Jesus Christ

that was fun no it wasn't why not I'm not prepared to come up here man you couldn't think of a second joke I'm not prepared to come up here, man. You couldn't think of a second joke? I'm serious. I'm serious. That joke was good, that vegan hot dog joke.

I appreciate it, man. Oh, he hates you, Pat. He just looked at you with the eyes of Pat. No, no, I do. I appreciate that. No, I don't hate you. I just want to let you know, I appreciate it. Yeah, I appreciate it. I get it. I get it. I just want to let you know how much I appreciate it. Yeah, I appreciate it. No, seriously. I really like

from the bottom of my heart. I get it. I get it. I get it. I struggle mentally, so I get it. Be honest. You ever box?

No. Do I look like it? You sort of seem like you have like boxing eyes. Yeah. Boxing eyes. I have to do that

so people don't... Wrestling ears, boxing eyes. It's not a bad thing. It's a good thing. I want to get back to your Somehow being surprised by all of this I mean you put your name in the hat right

I did yeah Bullshitting around in the back Just heard my name And I was like oh shit So what was your best and worst case scenario Once you put your name in the hat What were you hoping would happen So what was your best and worst case scenario once you put your name in the hat? What were you hoping would happen?

We know you were busy in the back doing the knuckle puck in the green room. There you go. What the fuck? Wearing a Mighty Ducks reference. There you go. Ducks fly together. What's his name? It's a deep reference.

Not really. Mighty Ducks. He's wearing a Mighty Ducks hoodie. I've never heard of the knuckle puck. What's a knuckle puck? I've seen Mighty Ducks like three times. Mighty Ducks 2, man. D2.

Thank you. Everybody settle down. It's a great reference. I'll get tweets about it and shit. From the podcast. Kenan Thompson. How long have you been doing stand-up? About three years.

Three years? Yeah. Have you ever wanted to go on stage? It's been a while since I had that feeling. Like I'm baffled. I know. So am I. At your performer's logic.

No, I just perform like shit. But I mean, you kind of successfully stretched. But you had a fucking minute, man. Yeah. A minute. One minute. You couldn't just on the fly throw a minute together? And if not, then why did you put your name in the bucket?

That's a good idea. How long have you... You live in LA? About six months now. From where? It's from DC. From DC. Yeah.

You were doing it out there for like two and a half years. Yeah. How much? Like 10 seconds out there? Like how long? 10 seconds. Those are the spots, man. 10 seconds.

Well, you know what I think? You know what happens when you move out here and you start doing comedy out here? It becomes more of a social scene hanging out, not as much of a working out. Because I don't go to Mike's to fucking hang out with people. I go with the fucking list and I'm like, I'm working on this

and the people are annoying. So I think that if you're doing that, you're caught in a trap of being back there and not focusing on if this is what you really want to you're doing that You're caught in a trap of being back there And not focusing on If this is what you really want to do Doing that No, go ahead and do that

That's fun But don't put your name in the fucking bucket They'll let you just hang out up here To be honest I have friends out here And he wanted to sign up So I signed up with him Still

Even still What do you do for work, Ray? Drive for Postmates out here and he wanted to sign up so I signed up with him. Still. What do you do for work, Ray? Drive for Postmates. This is so weird. It used to be like, I don't know, even six months ago you would ask people and they still had real jobs. Now it's literally just everybody. It's like, I'm TaskRabbit, I'm Uber, I'm Postmates.

One of only three available jobs in the world. It used to be you could do anything. Now people, just if they want to have brain surgery, they have to call a TaskRabbit for it. It's a special doctor TaskRabbit. There's no more offices anywhere.

People just come to your fucking house. Alright, so Ray, what does that exactly mean, Postmates? That's just food, right? Food delivery. More offices anywhere. People just come to your fucking house. All right. So, Ray, what does that exactly mean, Postmates? That's just food, right? Food delivery. Food delivery, yeah. It's the one that pisses me off the most. Grocery shopping.

Fuck Postmates. What else? Where are you from? From D.C. From D.C. Okay, what else? What else? I drove armored trucks before I got here.

Anything exciting ever happen in an armored truck? Would you drive them for like 45 seconds and pull over to the side of the road? Yeah. Oh, shit. That's why I don't work there anymore. What happened? What happened? I just quit.

It's a bullshit job. Way too many hours. All right. Ray, we got to move on. All right. Thank you. Ray Easter, everybody. There he goes.

Ray Easter comedy. A little less time for him. Let's do something fun. Ali Makovsky moved to New York City, so we're currently regular-less. Unless, of course, you count... You know. You either love them or you hate them.

You've seen them. Everybody has their take on them. Can I guess what I'm gonna be? Oh, I have a feeling. But sometimes, I mean, they've been fucking making adjustments. Who knows? I have...

Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you the Verzi triplets. Verzi triplets. Cool So when we were 15 We discovered that Alex Instead of jerking off into a sock Used to jerk off into a squirrel stuffed animal I didn't jerk off to a squirrel-stuffed animal.

I didn't jerk off to it in my defense. I just came in it once. I didn't fuck it. That means you had to rip it open, or did you buy it with a hole? There was intent involved. Okay, but it's like having a fucking sock in the ground. You come with a sock. You know what it's like when you're fucking 15.

That sock doesn't have a furry face. In my defense, I was 15. It was legal. I was 15. Did you make the other stuffed animals jealous i didn't have too many other stuffed animals it just so happened that night didn't have a sock i came inside of it did she consent the squirrel yes yes she consented to the butt rape i could just i could just imagine like a csi like outline if they were to go into your room, there's a squirrel outline, and they're like, you know, the victim suffered severe hymen tears. He fucked a squirrel-stuffed animal. That's all we got.

Wow. I mean, out of all of the performances on this show, it's never been that bad. I mean, out of all of the performances on this show, it's never been that bad. I mean, that's almost like... That's almost... Whoa, Jeremiah! Whoa, Jeremiah! What the fuck? He's got period blood all over him.

What is happening? I just got back from a mission in Tokyo. I just got back from a mission in Tokyo. Well, Jason, welcome back to the show. I just want to let you know you have a little bit of... Jason Statham. You have a little bit of blatant ketchup on your chest. I gained about 30 pounds on the scene. Jason, whatever happened to you

can't be as bad as what just happened to us. It was so bad. I mean, I couldn't even... Here's why it couldn't have been any worse. Let me just explain it to you right off the bat. It's because you guys tried to pretend like you were having this conversation for the first time in front of all of us.

Was that a podcast we listened to? We know that you planned it. So when you guys are like, did the squirrel consent? We know that you, you know what I mean? It doesn't feel natural. You're trying to present it like it's spontaneous and natural but nothing about it feels natural.

It feels like triplets that live together on three-story bunk beds that spend 15 hours a day rehearsing bad comedy. It sounds like you guys nailed what you thought everything would work and that's way off. It sounded like a rehearsal that should have ended with

no guys, this is stupid, let's think of something else. We went the other way with it. That's exactly it. Wait a a second these are the triplets yeah do you guys always go on stage together like this is this your act yeah are you guys actually triplets wait these are the chubbless I know I normally I normally in some way love what you guys do and you guys show to me, show constant growth. Except for tonight. I mean, wow. It was almost unbelievable.

These are the triplets. These are the triplets. You listen to the podcast or something? I heard this bomb all the way from Tokyo. You gave me the note the last time you wanted us to try and improvise a bit and we tried to keep a loose structure on this and it just didn't work. But that's not improvising.

No, you're right. How about next week only one of you does it and then the following week another person does it and then the following week another one does it and let's see how it goes that way. I would love to see you just do one person. Because I don't think it's going to work, you three, finishing each other's sentences

and shit like that. It's a little squirrely. I actually did try a solo mic the other day, Red Band. How'd it go? I bombed horribly, but that's part of it. Were you only doing one third of the dialogue of the jokes? And when you bombed,

could the other two feel it? They did. They felt that one. They felt it all the way in Tokyo. I mean, this has been done. Having like two or three guys on stage telling one story has been done. And even the people who were the best at it, they still suck.

I don't know what you're hoping to gain from this. It's true, Anthony. I want you to rethink everything. Yeah, seriously. Whoa, jeez, Brian just threw you guys under the bus. Look at that. I can't take it anymore.

Oh, shut up. Yes, you can. It's like we give them the same advice over and over and over again. No. It's act like you're being actors. You're doing a script. You know, it needs to... Me, Pat, Jeremiah,

all disagree. Yeah, we've been trying to take all the notes we can. The three of us. It's six against... Sorry, man. It's a six against one. Sorry, Brian.

Me, Jeremiah, Pat, and the Verzi triplets all like the Verzi triplets. I know. I think this is an opportunity. You guys are going about it completely wrong. If you were trying to get into magic or something, I'd be like, yeah.

Those guys are going to fucking kill it. Those guys are going to be awesome at magic. But this is like... Do you guys know any magic tricks? No. We know how to silence a creature. He makes lab steps disappear. No one would ever see you guys walk on stage

and go, oh, good. Hey, would you like to try the single thing? Three weeks in a row, three different sets. Would you like to try it just to see what the reaction is? I mean, you got nothing to lose. Let's do it. For the next three weeks, a different Versi triplet every Monday,

separated. You've got to keep them separated. Yeah. The alpha, the beta, and the omega triplets. For every end, there must be a beginning,

Tony. And tonight proves true. I think it's barbecue sauce now that I look at it. It's not ketchup. I smell it. It's barbecue sauce. It's already barbecue sauce. I can tell even from here.

I actually tasted it on the microphone. Oh, look at his belly bounce. His belly's doing the thing. Look, everybody. For those of you that are true fans of the podcast. What's funny is that now you're fatter than Bert and Tom. You're the new fat cool comedian. Please hashtag and reach out to me on social media.

That's so funny. Percy Tribblets, don't be discouraged. Don't take this. Bombing is good. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if you guys. This is the worst I've ever seen you.

That doesn't mean that's the direction you're going. It just means that sometimes any given Sunday or any given Monday, you can just fucking. It can just. I mean, but you. There was no way that was going to go well, by the way. There was nothing you guys could have done in your performance. That was all in the perspective thing of you guys trying to make it seem like,

you know, hey, fuck the thing. Hey, what'd you do? It just seemed so unnatural that it made it 10 seconds in. We just weren't buying any of the bullshit. It was an unnatural disaster. Is that one of your movies? No, that was just riffing you and I. Oh.

I would say keep trying, but try something else. Got it. I mean, like, stay in comedy, but, like, figure this out. Well, we're still figuring everything out, obviously. Oh, that's very clear. Anthony, what, like, what? Like, what do you mean? Can you tell Josh Robbins to stop periscoping me belly?

Maybe. I think it's your fault, Jason. Jason, it looks like you went all the way to Tokyo to buy a McRib. Oh, God. Bill. Bill. Bill. Bill.

The Verzi triplets, ladies and gentlemen. There they go. Let's do it. We did it. We did it. That was right about to get interesting, and you cut us off. Oh, it was? I was right about to be like, here's different things you could try,

different examples of things you could try. Yeah, you can throw them out there. It's over now. Oh, there you go. You guys are never going to make it now. I've already forgotten them. Put your hands together for Ryan J. Ebel to drawing while you all sat there chilling. Ryan J. Ebel draws every episode.

Oh, look at that. Wow. That's a crazy one. Look at you. I love it. Jeremiah Watkins, ladies and gentlemen, covered in barbecue sauce for your pleasure. Pat Reagan, Pat Reagan and Jeremiah Watkins. Reagan and Watkins

is the band. Reach out to us on social media at JeremiahStandUp at PattyReagan at MostlySorry for Joel Minnes and watch Roast Battles on Sunday on Comedy Central. Watch the Eric Andre show and don't believe anything you read.

Intro. Watch the Eric Andre show and don't believe anything you read. Mostly sorry. It's Joel Jimenez. Anthony, are you going on the road or anything? Yeah, actually, at the end of January, I'm going on like a 12-city club tour. Yeah. From like end of January through middle of May.

Yeah. Tour dates at anthonyjuslandweek.com. Yeah. It's funny you mention that. I'm doing the exact same thing. I'm on the road every weekend. San Antonio,

Calgary, San Francisco, Providence, Chicago, a bunch of fucking crazy places. So everything's at TonyHinchcliffe.com. I'm on the road every weekend.

No, it's not. Oh, yeah, that's right. My website's down right now. But by the time Brian uploads this on Christmas, it's right. My website's down right now. But by the time Brian uploads this on Christmas,

it's going to certainly be a fun show, right? Big announcement. Death Squad's about to open up a whole new microphone down the street. Two new Death Squad shows every month. It's going to be a big, big deal. Look for an announcement soon. Microphone? More mics are going to be happening for Death Squad shows every month. It's going to be a big, big deal. Look for an announcement soon. More mics are going to be happening for Death Squad. Good lord. I don't even know what that means.

Follow me on Twitter. This looks like a crazy announcement. Live audience, thank you so much for coming to Kill Tony. We'll see you again soon. Thank you. I'm glad. I'm glad. I'm glad. I'm glad. I'm glad. I'm glad. I'm glad.

I'm glad. I'm glad. I'm glad. I'm glad. I'm glad. I'm glad. I'm going to show up, I'm going to start my man. I'm going to show up, I'm going to start my man. That's what you get. I let your breath sweat. I regret your back. We're tight, I fight, we're tight, we're tight.

We're tight for a toy boy. I got a life, I start a fight. You know you can't create and get things like this. When I'm on the car, G is just useless. I'm going to show up, I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man.

I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going to start my man. I'm going Thank you. you you