KILL TONY - KILL TONY #193

Episode Date: February 2, 2017

Natasha Leggero, Moshe Kasher, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 01/21/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Don't forget to go to DeathSquad.tv for all the video portions of Kill Tony.

Just click on videos or click on tour dates to see where we're at. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store, every first and third Friday we do the Ice House, and that's in Pasadena, California. That's the secret show there. And then the first of the month, California. That's the secret show there. And then the first of the month, every first Wednesday of the month, we do the big secret show at the Comedy Store. We're doing one tonight.

It might be too late for you, but you can always check out DeathSquad.TV and click on tour dates. Also, a big announcement that we are now doing secret shows at the Laugh Factory on Sunset. The first one is next Wednesday. So that's with Joe Rogan. It's got Brody Stevens, Kate Quigley, Brian Holtzman, and myself. That's February 8th is the first one. So check that out.

Also, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for all of Tony's tour dates. He's all over the place. 8th is the first one. So check that out. Also, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for all of Tony's tour dates. He's all over the place. And he has his whole tour dates there. He also has his merch. You can get all his stuff at TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode and the

Kill Tony movie poster. You can find everything at RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. There's some kitty cat t-shirts and hoodies left, so check out shopsquad.tv Alright, here's a brand new

episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Rampant coming to you live from the world-famed San Francisco for the 2017 Sketch Fest, sponsored by Audible. Give it up for Tony Hatchway. What? What? What? Sanfran motherfucking Cisco. On a Saturday afternoon. Clearly the afternoon. It's our first ever 3 p.m. show.

Yeah. But you guys made it out. Packed house. Make some fucking noise, San Francisco. So that our friends listening to the podcast that you have become addicted to, what some call the number one live podcast in the world. And we are live in San Fran.

Yes. They said it couldn't be done. If you don't believe us, people watching the video, just look behind us. It's San Francisco. That's just a fucking window. Gloomy day today with these marches going on. Yeah, it's ridiculous. And I have

food poisoning, so I'm trying not to use this bucket for other reasons. Oh, there's Brian with his first bodily fluid joke of the night. Are you guys ready to have a great time or what, huh? Do you guys like comedy and fun and excitement?

Well, I do too. Are we doing two or one? Two? One, right? Whoa, a little glitchy poo. Who would have guessed? No matter how many thousands of miles we go away from the comedy store, the audio never really figures itself out all the way on this show.

Just little ins and outs. This is like when the Death Star was being built. Remember that? Not quite the fully operational death machine that it could become. Well, let's do it. You guys like guests? Huh?

Comic guests? You know how the show works. Guys, I'm excited about this guy. I'm excited. If you missed that word, it was guy. Guy was the word on a live podcast that I said. What do you think that is? The wiring? Put your hands together for

a special audio engineer guy that's here. Put your hands together for him. What do you think that is when that clicks out like that? You think it's the wire? That is a good question. Almost one that I would ask an audio engineer if he was here.

But I guess there's not one available at the current time to save the show. I'm going to bring up your guest. Who loves NorCal, huh? Fucking shit. This guy is from Oakland, California. One of your favorite Kill Tony guests in the world. It's the one, the only, Moshe Kesher. Come on. Boom. Boom.

Yeah. One of our favorites. My home club. I'm more than a Kill Tony guest here. Is it just me? I think so. Why'd you tell me to bring my wife?

You never responded. I sure did, motherfucker. Then there's two guests, ladies and gentlemen. Put your hands together for the great Natasha Lazaro! Beautiful. Alright, great. We'll use that one. You got that one. Beautiful. I already made other plans.

I'm sorry. Did you? I just made plans. I'm sorry. Beautiful. I already made other plans. Did you? I just made plans. I'm sorry. Beautiful. It's okay. If you want to. If you want to stay, you can stay. I don't know. Stay! Natasha Leggero, everybody. She's staying. This is fucking awesome. I'm

so excited about this. When I didn't get a response, I thought it would be just you. Oh, I thought I wrote you back. This San Fran, you would think in this Silicon Valley. Man, you just got all the wrong terminology for this area. Silicon? You guys like NorCal, San Fran, Frickity Disco?

Who loves San Diego more than me? Can I get more volume on this? Switch mics to what? Switch. Super live show. Doesn't get much more live than this. Oh, my God. Yep.

This one's still pretty fucking quiet, too. Pretty quiet mics. Little baby mics. There you go. Yes, more of that. Whatever lever that is. More, more, more. Oh, God, please, more. Just push it up. Push that lever up. That baby mics. There you go. Yes, more of that. Whatever lever that is. More, more, more. Oh, God, please, more.

Just push it up. Push that lever up. Lever up, lever up. Two, two, two. Good. Who's ready to start the show, huh? I know I am. Hell yeah. That white guy doing the air horn noise means it's time to start a comedy show. You know what that means. We have a very special treat for you, San Francisco.

We've done this show on the road in numerous fucking cities. Columbus, Pittsburgh, Austin, Dallas. We've been all around. Never before have we had the accessibility, since we're so close to Los Angeles, to have members of the official Kill Tony band here. Put your hands together for the Kill Tony band, ladies and gentlemen. It's Pat Reagan and Joel Jimenez. Walk like an Egyptian.

The blonde waitresses take their trays and spit, spit, spit, and then, then, then, then, then, then. Wow! A special mummy Blonde waitresses take their traces. Then, then, then, then, then, then. Wow. A special mummy entrance. They are walking like Egyptians. For those of you listening to the podcast, they came in wrapped in toilet paper. Pat has two drinks.

If you're at home and you're upset you can't see this, don't worry. It does not look that funny. By the way, he... More volume. Hello? Damn it. This will be good audio, though, for the podcast. We need that one loud. Hello? That one's good. Oh, loud.

Yo. That one. Okay, that one's up now. Boom, boom, boom. Oh, Pat doesn't even have a mic. Pat, take this. Josh Martin is even here, ladies and gentlemen. One of the great mythical creatures of Kill Tony.

Running around. If anybody needs anything at all, not just the guests or anybody up here, but anybody out there, if you want anything at all, just ask Josh. All right. That's cool. You guys have mummy wrappings and also surgical masks, so you're like Chinese mummies. That's cool. Thank you very much.

What else, folks? One of my favorite things about doing this show on the road, and you guys have both done it in its home field of Los Angeles a couple times, a couple few times, all of us, and one of my favorite things about doing it on the road, if you've ever listened to one of these podcasts from the road,

is you get to meet very, very different types of people that normally, you know, don't even make the trip to L.A. Sometimes it's something they've always wanted to do. Sometimes it's great. Sometimes it's absolutely horrific. And either way, we always get to have fun with it. You guys ready to start the motherfucking show or what? Everything's in order.

Yes. Ban. We're about to watch somebody do 60 seconds of stand-up. If you signed up for tonight's show, that means you get 60 seconds to talk into... Wait, we're still mic'd down. We're just going to have to share Pat's mic for the comics. Pat, I guess your mic is going to...

So the comics will go acapella. Comics? No. You almost had me there. Hello? This one works, right? That one works great. Oh, hell yeah.

What's up, Discoly Disco? What's up, Rice-a-roni and shit? And look, tall-ass hills in this city. What is this place? Uncle Ben's. Uncle Ben's. Classic San Francisco reference. Wait, that's the other Rice.

That's Rice-a-roni's competitor. I am way off. I am way off on that one. You guys know how this show works. You get 60 seconds. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Isn't that adorable? That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood

bear. There it is. That was it. Okay. That's what it sounded like. So Pat, you want to maybe bump that right there and then oh geez. Yeah, we're going to figure it out.

This is going to be glorious. Why did Josh take the mic stand away? No, he didn't. You're just covered in toilet paper, so it's right there. Okay, here we go. I'm going to pull a name out of the bucket. Everybody okay with that? Here we go.

60 seconds uninterrupted goes to first. This looks like a name I've never seen before. How about Ashton Tate? There he goes. He's running from the back. He's sprinting. He's going to be out of breath and talk too fast. That's what happens when you run to the stage.

Ashton Tate. Hey, how's it going? Went to the club last night, and my friend, he has a dance move called the ambulance. It's where you walk up to any single group of girls, and they get out of the way. Also stayed in a town recently, and I checked into a motel, and the room I was staying in was supposedly haunted because a man hung himself there a couple months before. But it's like, why would you believe in a ghost if he doesn't believe in himself?

Just feeling kind of down recently. My friend said I should wear a free hug shirt, but I feel like you never see any attractive people wearing free hug shirts. It's like the shirt says free, but the face says please. It's, uh... I feel like you know you're in the friend zone when you're putting a condom

on their boyfriend. Tried playing Grand Theft Auto recently as an adult for the first time since high school, and I was playing it and thinking, these cops are just doing their job. There you go. Ashton Tate. Look at that. Great performance,

Ashton. Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up? Four years. All here in San Fran? No, one in Jacksonville. Oh, Jicky Jack's Vicki Bill? Yep. You know it. Yeah, I love that town. How long have you been wearing tapered sweatpants on stage?

Yeah, you do look like Dexter if he only drank Miller High Life. No, actually, what's cool about your look is there's a lot that's cool about your look, actually. First of all, you do one-liners, but you're like the Justin Bieber of one-liners. But also, you've got the style that works best when you have a lot of money,

but you don't. I can tell that. So it's cool. You got a ripped side sweatshirt, but pills all over the top of it. It's like an impoverished future man. I like that. To be fair, they are joggers. I don't know what you mean, dude.

It's more expensive than sweatpants. Oh, okay. Jacksonville. Jacksonville. Those shoes, what are those? The skeezies? Nah, they're just regular. Regular?

Regular cotton shoes. Those are like cotton. They're dirty, right? Dirty cotton. Cotton dirty. Isn't that the killer from Scream 1? Tony, how do you deal with all these visual jokes on your number one podcast?

They kill on the podcast. I mean, his shoes look like they have rice cakes as soles. I wish there was a way to... Can you include pictures? That's funny. Natasha's like, your shoes look like they have rice cakes for souls. I wish there was a way

to describe that. I feel like you did. You did a great job. I love you. But then the top is like, I don't know what's happening with it. Yeah. His shoes do look like

an extension of Pat's costume. Wait, Tony, this is a podcast. They also can't see that. People come, they do one minute of stand-up and then we eviscerate their physical appearance.

Yes, exactly. I'm sorry. I don't know if we got the wrong podcast. We thought that's what this was. I'm sorry. No, I thought that some of them jokes were good. Ashton, what do you do for work? Accounting?

Yeah. Accounting. Everything about you is hip-hop. It's like accounting. We get a numbers and whatnot. You got tax returns. Tax returns. I'll use hip-hop. He's like, a-ka, a-ka, a-ka, a-ka, a-ka, a-ka, a-ka, a-ka. We get a, we get a, we get a, we get a numbers and whatnot. You got tax, tax, tax, tax returns. Tax returns.

Catch your calculator. Oh, yeah. All those rappers are always like, catch you later. Accounting, accounting rap. Oh, yeah. There's a nerd in the, yeah, you're right, Tony. Or maybe it's not rap.

Maybe it's acoustic. Maybe it's like the accounting crows. Ooh. Nothing on that? Nothing? Wow. I'm not that white. I was actually listening to the Counting Crows while getting ready tonight. The Taxi Cab song?

Take paradise and put up a parking lot. That's a Joni Mitchell song. That's not a Counting Crows song. I know, but it's one of those who wore it better, and we know the answer is not Ashton Tate. I love that friend zone.

You had a lot of great jokes, but that friend zone joke was really funny. Oh, thanks. Although it's very problematic to even mention the friend zone, you're actually a part of the problem. No, I thought that was a good-ass joke. I liked it a lot. That was really funny. I could see you in your joggers unrolling it. It's cool.

Well, I mean, if you want to know, my office is like four blocks over, and I went there to go through a change of clothes, and I looked at a different pair of pants, and I was like, nah, it'll be fine. Yeah. He's been replaying that moment in his head this whole time.

I had another pair of pants in my hand. There was no way you could count on us making fun of your pants as much as we have. Laugh at Tony's joke! That was another accounting joke, you motherfuckers. A really sneaky one. Have you ever heard the quote,

if you dress like the audience, you become one of them? Wow. Have you ever heard the quote, if you dress like the audience, you become one of them? Wow. Have you ever heard the quote, Natasha Legere is a bitch? No, I'm saying he's trying to sparkle. He's the one on stage. He's the one we're paying money to see. I'm just saying. There should be a little effort put into it.

That's all. You do dress down pretty. Razzle dazzle. Pretty down for an accountant. Who are you running numbers for? Kanye! I don't know. I just didn't really think it through.

Is it like a big company? Yeah. What is it? Do not say it. Yeah, okay. No, say it. Ashton, what is your love life like? Are you really putting condoms on other dudes? No, I have a girlfriend on birth control.

Ooh. Wow. I never heard it put like that before. Wow. That's amazing. I feel like that's what it's going to be like in a couple years once Trump gets rid of everything.

It's going to be a thing like, oh, no, I have one of the girlfriends on birth control. Oh, you got that? Yeah, we're one of 37 people with access to it. Got one of those girlfriends on the BC. That's cool, man.

Can I meet her? I think you're funny. Yeah, that was an awesome performance and fucking really good jokes. You're all one-liners like that, or was that sort of a set just for this show? It's mainly those. But I, you know, because of the format, I did that. Yeah, it's mainly those.

That's awesome. You have the personality of a ticket terror. But Ashton, that was a great performance and fun stuff. I had a blast meeting you and hanging out. That's Ashton Tate, ladies and gentlemen. One down. He's on Twitter at Ashton Tate. And it has begun.

Who knows? Maybe I'll pull out your name. Maybe your friend signed you up without you knowing. No, I'm kidding. That's not a real thing. Pulled another name out of the bucket. How about Nate Follin? It's raining now!

This lame brand nigga with flows, girl, say he's sweet like nigga with some. Here he comes. Look how much swagger and calm he's got. Yeah. All right. Thanks, guys. Let's start off with an impression, if you don't mind.

This is one I've been working on for a while. It's Chewbacca from Star Wars. Just the walk for now. Noise is pretty tough. I've been told I have hair kind of like Chewbacca. It's wavy in the same color. Whenever I use a hair straightener, people think that I'm gay. Back in middle school, my mother walked in using my sister's hair straightener. The time was only about halfway up my ass. Not gay, guys. I'm not homophobic, though.

I don't really care at all. To me, I guess gay people are kind of like spiders. Because I'm not afraid of them at all. But if I saw one in my shower, I'd probably kill it. Wow. Beautiful. Nate, is that Fallen or Fowler? Fallen.

Nate Fallen. He was so good. Your jokes were so great, I didn't care about your shoes. Which is a good thing, because those are even worse than the last guy's. I know, they said it couldn't be done, and somehow you managed to look more schlubby than the last dude. No, but he was so funny at work because his delivery is so sort of unassuming.

You don't want him to be too dressed up. And the Chewbacca joke was so great because it was like not only the hard twist, but no one wants to hear another Chewbacca joke. So that was the perfect person to choose for that. There's actually a lot to it, actually, because nobody wanted to hear it at first, but then I was sort of like, okay, well, he's definitely not just going to do a Chewbacca impression. But then when you walked over here,

I was kind of like, ugh, fuck this dude. I swear to God, I was like this fucking cocky little, oh, let me just take a sip of the beer over here. I thought you were going to use the beer as a... Yeah, brrrr or some shit. Right, exactly. I hated you here, and I loved you were going to use the beer as a... Yeah, brrrr or some shit. Right, exactly. I hated you here, and I loved you over there. It was great.

Those were like grade-A jokes, didn't you think, Tony? Well, after that first joke hit, I said, okay, he's a pro, definitely not a wookie. I'll say it, since Jeremiah is in here, I'll say it since Jeremiah is in here I'll say it that's my boy Patty motherfucking Ray great fucking joke it's not a Wookie

Wookie of the year I don't get it though how many more minutes do you have I've got probably 20 minutes. Okay. Have you ever performed here? Yeah, about four times. Oh, so you're like...

You've got 20 more minutes? Sunday night shows. You want to go on the road sometime? Yeah, dude, I'd love to. Not with me, but like... I'm sorry, that was so mean. It was beautiful. Look at all...

But you're funny, man. You're hilarious. How long have you been doing stand-up? About four years. Where are you from? I'm from Wisconsin originally. Started doing stand-up in're funny, man. How long have you been doing stand-up? About four years. Where are you from? I'm from Wisconsin originally. I started doing stand-up in Fresno, California. Oh, Jesus.

That's the noise that people from Fresno make. Also, it explains the murdering a gay person in your set. I like that. Where does that come from? Fresno. Yeah. That joke didn't work as well out here. Where does that come from? Fresno. Yeah. Yeah, that joke didn't work as well out here.

What made you start in Fresno and not Wisconsin or somewhere else? What were you doing in Fresno? Nothing, that's why. I didn't really know anybody. I just started doing comedy. But what were you doing there? I've never just been driving through a city and been like, you know what, fuck it. I'm going to stop right here and chase my dreams.

I think you just missed the most important thing, though, Tony. Do you say grad school? Yeah. In Fresno? Yeah. I didn't even know they had school, period, in Fresno. They got grad school? What do they call that? Breaking grad? That's a meth Fresno

grad school joke. Breaking grad, you sons of bitches. What was your area of study? Biology, genetics. It's a waste of money. No one likes Fresno State, so it's good. It's almost not even worth going there. Do you have a master's in biology?

Yep. That's cool. Jeez Louise, look at you. Not that cool. It's expensive. I don't really use it. Do you have a job to survive? Yeah, not anything to do with biology, though.

What is it? Insurance technology. Insurance technology? Yeah, like a software for insurance. Oh, okay. So I don't, yeah, less insurance, more software, but still. And are you past here? Do you work at the punchline?

No, I'm hoping to get past or get an opportunity to go to Cabs. How old are you? 29. You know what I'm going to do for you? Because this is my home club. I'm going to remember you and never help you in any way. Fool me once, yeah. No, I think there's people here watching you who see how good you are and hopefully you'll get

a chance. Yeah. You're funny, dude. Is the booker here? Yeah. What's his name? Well, it's a her, right? No, all right. I didn't want to call her out by name, but I'll drop your name.

How about that? You're funny. You're funny. Fallen, right? Like you've fallen down? Yeah. Fallen. Right.

Fallen like you fell for that Fresno can get you a job. Right, yeah. What do you do for fun? Do you have any other special hobbies or skills or talents or anything? Travel, basketball a little bit. Basketball?

Yeah. Oh, you ball? I ball. Okay, player. I had a feeling there was something I liked about you. Yeah. Green Bay Packers, big hobby now. Watching the Pack.

You play basketball against other insurance, biomedical people? Other Silicon Valley people that take it way too seriously. That's interesting. I mean, when I saw those Sperry top-siders almost falling off of your feet, I was like, this dude probably balls. Yeah. You wore baseball gloves on your feet tonight. Man, so that's interesting.

Nate, basketball? Anything else? Travel as much as I can. Where have you been? Anywhere fun? What's the darkest skin country you've been to? I mean, shut up. How about that, first of all?

I heard everybody gasp at once. That's a normal interview question. Yeah. What is this, 60 minutes? 60 seconds. I guess Mexico City. Dude, that is not where that goes, Brian.

Anything crazy happen to you in Mexico City? Funnest memory? Saw some pyramids stayed up about... Pyramids? Yeah. We're talking about the same Mexico City here? Teotihuacan? I don't know. Yeah. They got pyramids down there, Tony. Do they really?

Yeah, they got Mexican pyramids. Why are you doing a Bill Clinton impression for that? Hey, I'll tell you something else, Tony. We got the best AIDS-free hookers in Mexico City. If you poke a hole in a Mexican pyramid, does candy come out? Fuck, man. No.

Son of a bitch. Wait, the funny part was that you were like, poke a hole. I'm like, what do you do with pinatas, Tony? What kind of weird? But Tony's like, this is how you do a pinata, right? Oh, shit. Well, Nate, I mean, that was an unbelievable performance. Three absolutely well-paced, killer fucking jokes.

Very, very amazing stuff. Took your time, too. Like, taking your time in a minute and a set. It's like, I thought you were good. And if I, I mean, you know, it's just one of those things where if we're only performing here four times, and this is sort of a stressful show, you're cool as a cucumber, and I wish you the best of luck. So there you go. Nate Follett.

Thanks so much. Love the show. You met him here. That guy's funny. If he's got 20 minutes like that, you better look the fuck out. He's on Twitter at iPod Telephone. iPod Telephone. iPod Telephone. That's his Twitter handle.

iPod Telephone? Yeah, all one word. iPod Telephone? Telephone or telethon? Telephone. Is that right, Nate? I got the iPod Telephone. The iPod Telephone. Got one of those iPod telephones. Listen to the music. Make a call.

He's smarter than all of us. Totally. I could never get a Masters from Fresno. That would take three and a half weeks. What's annoying about it is he's like, yeah, I got a Masters in Biology, but then I just decided I'd go ahead and do stand-up. Fuck you again, man.

This is all we could do. Once they handed me that diploma that I worked seven years for, I wrote a dick joke on it and said, this is where I'm going. I pulled another name out of the bucket. How about Mike Gillerman? I get knocked out, but I get up again. You're the hell that's gonna keep me down. Wow, is that possible that someone chickened out at a one-time road event?

Percy Triplets. Somebody just yelled for the Percy Triplets. I don't actually want them to go on. He said, I don't want them to go on. He must have got stuck on Gillerman's Island. Yeah, sometimes you go to the well, Pat, and the well is dry. Ah!

Is that your Chewbacca impression? Ah! How does a guy named Mike Gillerman sign up within the past hour and then disappear? What kind of bad edibles go on in that situation where it's just like, I gotta get the fuck out of here? He must be stuck on

Gillerman's Island. It really worked that time. It was. You said it so much funnier than he did. Okay. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Rest in peace, Mike Gillerman, whatever happened there. But how about Elio Aponte?

Come on. Put your hands together, San Francisco. How's it going, guys? I'm from Venezuela. So that makes me a Mexican in Los Angeles, a Cuban in Miami, and a Dominican in New York. Like, if I'm in Michigan, they think I'm from the Middle East. Some guys are like, hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I drive with weed in the car. And it's not for sale. Just for the fucking thrill, you know. Every time I see a cop, I'm going down with the cheap guys. Going down. There's no toilet paper in Venezuela. I don't know if you guys know this. Like, your job in Venezuela is to find toilet paper.

Like, that's your job. You know, like, in our respect, I don't buy toilet paper. Like, I'm not going to be Snapchatting my toilet paper, you know? It's too much. It's fucked up, man. I like beaches. I like white beaches. Black beaches are a little bit colder.

You know? Like, I tried to go to the beach here and people using rubber. You guys heard about rubber? All right. Black beaches? I guess you answered a question I asked Nate with the darkest skin place he's been to. I've never been to black beaches.

Where is that? Northern California. All right. You know what I like about you? You got courage, man. Like, you do stand-up. You do not speak English. Yeah.

Very impressive. It really is. You don't speak English. But you stay in the pocket, and you have the timing of a guy that actually does speak English. And even the jokes that you had that are funny, like, you're not even really saying those right at all.

However, your premises and ideas are so good that somehow they translate through. Every time that you tried to sound funny or do something funny, it didn't work, but you might be the most hilarious,

accidentally funny person that's ever been on the show. Okay, thank you. So, Elio, let's get into it. How long have you been in America? 13 years. 13 years? Mm-hmm.

You sound like you got here, like, two hours ago, Elio. It sounds like you just flew in just for this from Valenzuela. Boy, is my cocaine tired. Traditional Venezuelan music That's exactly what I thought When he played it It's so retarded He's like I'm from Venezuela Tequila

Joel Jimenez is definitely I thought when he played it, it's so retarded. He's like, I'm from Venezuela. Tequila. Joel Jimenez is definitely about to shit his pants. Whatever he just ran away from. That could only be one thing. You work with a guy enough, you know when he's about to shit his pants. When you play that around a Mexican dude, he shits immediately. Oh, wait. There you go. Toilet paper.

Wow. on a Mexican dude, he shits immediately. Oh, wait, there you go. Toilet paper. Wow. Which could only mean one thing, by the way. The fact that they have extra rolls of toilet paper could only mean one thing, and that is that they overestimated how much

toilet paper it would take to wrap themselves in toilet paper when they were stealing toilet paper from, what I'm guessing, almost certainly to be the comedy store in the past 48 hours. Gave me two rolls of toilet paper.

Do they really not use toilet paper in Venezuela? We don't have access to it. It's a political thing. Politics, guys. What do you use instead? The bodies of our enemies. I've been here.

I don't know what they use. Wait, you've only been here 13 years. How old are you? 29. He's like, yeah, but you don't know what they use. Wait, you've only been here 13 years. How old are you? 29. He's like, yeah, but you don't start wiping your own ass until you're 31. Venezuela is a very different country.

What are you doing here? What do you do here? I mean, sorry. Uh. Well. You're just turning into Trump English. I used to own a restaurant in Florida and then I got sued by an NYC company and then I'm here. NYC company?

Like a newer stock market. Why'd you get sued? They wanted like $750,000 for rent. But I'm like, I got 40 bucks. I'm like, oh. You sound like a good businessman. Yeah. They wanted rent money.

It turns out that the place where you started your restaurant was owned by somebody else. No, the whole thing went under like shopping. But he's like, I only have 40 bucks. What kind of food did you make? Italian. Oh, Italian. That's what I was going to guess. Oh, you mean Italian food, like...

Pizza, pizza. All right. Redman's never been to a country. Is this Italy? When the moon hits your eye, Valenzuela. Valenzuela. What inspired you to make Italian food, being from Venezuela?

I was going to buy a Mexican restaurant, and this guy's like, oh, buy this one. And I'm like, alright. And I just bought it. Buy this one? Yeah. But was the sauce already on the stove? What do you mean, buy this one?

It's an Italian restaurant, totally different than the Mexican restaurant. Yeah, it was a big place, and I got it for like seven cents on the dollar. So I'm like, alright, I'll do this. A what dollar? The whole thing cost a million dollars, and I got it for $80,000.

So I'm like, I'll take it. And then someone wanted $750,000 for me. So really, it cost me $1,030,000. Elio, I don't think you understand how a down payment and then payments works. The $80,000 that you thought you bought your business for was what we call a down payment. You would then make installments after that as the business comes in.

It's more problematic than you think, Tony. He doesn't understand what a down payment is. It's more problematic than you think, Tony. He doesn't understand what a down payment is, a payment, Mexican food, Italian food, a restaurant, rent, toilet paper, Venezuela, Caracas, and he does understand what... But I like his attitude. He's standing here with toilet paper in his pockets.

Well, he's never touched it before. Elio, that's not what you're supposed to wipe with the toilet paper, by the way. He just dabbed his mouth with it. So, what do you do for work now, Elio? I drive for Lyft. You drive for Lyft. Oh, shit. Look out.

What kind of car are you driving? I used to have six different cars, but now it's a truck. Six different cars. Man, Elio, you used to live the life of Scarface. And all of a sudden... I'm Smoothface. Elio, what's the...

Do you like talking to the drivers? Do you try to initiate... Or to the customers? Do you try to initiate conversations? I got my moments, but yeah, pretty much. I hate everybody all the time. What's the most fun thing that's ever happened in your car? I spoke Chinese with a guy. You spoke Chinese?

Play something with horns. There you go. He nailed it. Your racism has found its home. He accidentally nailed it. The job there was to hit anything but an Asian thing, and he actually hit a gong. Yeah, this guy had

an application in Chinese and he started talking to me and the application started talking to me in English. Really? He had an app that allowed him to speak Chinese? I have it now, yeah. That's cool. And now I practice Chinese.

I don't know what I'm saying. They should have one for English so you can do your set a little better. Natasha Leggero is here. Helio Aponte. Hell yeah, wife. Oh, you're roasting. Helio Aponte.

So what else, man? So you're driving Lyft now. You used to have six cars, a million dollar restaurant. Now you got Lyft, two rolls of toilet paper and 40 bucks. And an application that speaks English. It's all been working up to this. Now I got what I wanted. So you can go back to Venezuela.

Look, everybody. It's true what they say about America. The streets are lined with this stuff. But he does seem so happy and positive. I love him. I love you too, Elio. Yeah, we love you, Elio. Do you want to go back to Venezuela

or do you want to stay here forever? I have political asylum, so it's... You're going to have to repeat that. I have political asylum. Political asylum. Way to bury the toilet paper lead, homie. What do you need political asylum for? Can you talk about it?

Yeah, it's like, you know, Trump got elected in Venezuela in 1998 and now I got political asylum. Oh, a version of Trump. I don't know if I want to do this again, guys. I'm going to Chile or something. Who, Chavez? Yeah.

Oh, so he was a bad boy and then you were like, I'm out. I'm going to go start a failed... I was a kid when it happened, Yeah. Oh, so he was a bad boy. And then you were like, I'm out. I'm going to go start a failed... I was a kid when it happened, yeah. Oh, wow. So I came here and went to four judges. One of them died. Damn.

Took time. Took ten years to get the papers. Four judges. The third guy died. One of them died. Could you go back now? Chavez is out of power, right? After I have my citizenship, I can go back.

Yeah, he already made Valenzuela great again, right? Oh, yeah. Exactly, guys. Proof of thought right there. Don't look at them. These people don't even know American politics. They have no idea what we're talking about right now. Elia, what do you do for fun?

I play tennis. You do? Yeah. You play tennis? It's a small win in California. It's too late. No, man. It's small wing, California. It's too late. No, man. It's never too late.

He says he keeps... Nah, it doesn't matter. Now it's too late. Now it's too late. It's too late. Say kill judges. Oh. For fun.

Fuck! So you play tennis. What else? I feel like you're very, very romantic. I feel like you're very good with the ladies. Am I right about that? I don't know nothing, man. I don't know nothing.

What's your favorite kind of porn? Like, what's your porn category? Okay, uh, casting couch. Ah, wow. This dude, this dude, he's like, I'm sorry, I don't know, I don't know nothing. I don't know nothing. Porn, sir? Casting couch.

Casting couch. Casting couch. Casting couch cuties. I like California pimp. I like the calendar auditions. What else? Bang Burrows. BBW Hunter. That's mine.

Yeah. It's all that. BBW. Casting couch. Fuck yeah. You know what that is, Natasha? Big beautiful woman. Oh, no.

That's my thing. I don't You know what that is, Natasha? Big beautiful woman. Oh no, that's my thing. I don't. I don't know what casting couch is. Casting couch is like when it's like a guy, they pretend that the girl's coming in for an interview and then he's like, so I'm gonna need you to, you've got a great body but I'm gonna need you to go ahead and suck my dick right this second.

You know, I just want to make sure before I cast you, you know, we just need to make sure that, you know, some of these people that come here, they just can't do anything. So we just need to see, like, we just need to get a little bit of a taste for what you're capable of. I like it. And you know, and the acting is so bad. The girl's like, what? Really?

No. And you, the viewer, knows that it's fake, but also is consciously telling yourself, like, this could possibly be real. Right. It's possible. My favorite is also the taxi cab ones, you know what I mean, where they pick them up and the chick's always like, oh my god, it seems like I have forgotten the money

for this ride. Coincidentally, in a cab rigged with cameras for a porn website. And she's like, yeah, it's worth it for this $30 fare to fuck you, suck your dick, lick your asshole. I'm in. And they do. They get crazy in the cab, man. They really do go all out.

That's a long ride right there. It's a long ride. I like black cream pie. Have you ever seen that? Jesus Christ. You know what I did find? Not yet, but looking forward. Since we're on the topic, you know what I will bring up?

I found out about pogs this week. I didn't know what pogs were. Do you know what pog is? Fat ass white girl, yeah. That's a cousin of the BBW. I thought it was pretty ass white girl. No, it's fat ass white girl. But it doesn't mean fat ass. It means she got a

fat ass. Yeah. It's like short girls with boobs and butts. Nothing to do with boobs. But yeah. Totally about the ass. Motion's so cool that you know specifically all of the search details of every abbreviation

and can correct everyone. It's just a human porn translator over here. Oh, the cabs? The casting couch? Let's get into it. Wait, Brian, ask me my porn search words. What's your porn search words?

I love my wife. It's just Natasha Leggero's stand-up hits. I just watch her first Tonight Show over and over, and I go, I love that woman. Another period, season one, two, three. You on season three now? Yeah. Awesome.

Coming out, coming out. When's the day butt? I don't have no day butt. Okay, it's coming, though. Watch another period, one of my favorite shows. Elio, but I do want to know, you seem romantic. Last date you went on, how did that go down? Very well.

Yeah, but how does it start? You take her somewhere, you know this girl? Was it someone you've hooked up with before? It's kind of like the taxi cab thing. But in real life, Elio, you don't have to try to be funny. No, it's real life. On the beach, you go park there. You just take everyone to the beach.

You go straight to the beach. That's your move. If it doesn't work out, it's easy to get rid of them, right? Huh? Walking home, this walking home. I'm just sending you to Valenzuela. All right, Elio. I wanted to know what your most recent date was like.

Was it at the beach? Yeah. Really? Yesterday, yeah. And what do you like. Was it at the beach? Yeah. Really? Yesterday, yeah. And what do you do? You eat? You went to the beach yesterday? It was 40 degrees and pouring rain.

No, but you don't go on the beach. Was she on that date as well? Or did you? He's like, she didn't consider it a date. She considered it the worst and last day of her life. Okay, okay, okay. One time I went to Pacifica. It's like a beach town.

Oh, brother, I know. And this girl is like, oh, my God, I don't know what to say. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing. And then she started to come on to me. And I think she was like 17 or something. And I'm like, I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry.

I'm like, I'm so sorry. I got to go to the Brainwash and do stand-up. I got to get out of here. To the brainwash? Brainwash, Tony, is like where every comedian in San Francisco started. It's the Thursday night open mic. I did it my first time there. That's where I started, too.

Well, my first time was in Vegas. I was funny. There you go. Imagine what that would have been like, man. No, you're funny. I thought the bitches or beaches bitches misdirection was cool. Honestly, if we're doing any real stuff, I just think maybe you were nervous because of how much you love Tony.

But you've got to slow down because you have a heavy accent. So those jokes are funny. But I was like, oh, I think I get it. I think I get it. But the beaches thing. Because we are listening. We do want to know. We're listening hard.

And it is sort of an advantage almost what you have because it makes you lean forward and really want to get it. So you can whack motherfuckers. But you just need to be 15 to 75% clearer with how you're speaking.

One last question. I'm spending a lot of time with you, Elio, because I'm just in love with you. I just can't lose with you. But let me ask you this question. What'm spending a lot of time with you, Elio, because I'm just in love with you. I just can't lose with you. But let me ask you this question. What made you think that girl was 17? I mean, yeah, you can tell. I mean, it's fucked up.

How could you tell, Elio? Did she tell you she was 17? No, she didn't, but you know, it was like... But she spoke the language of love. You know, her body told me. 30 minutes to get back at the brainwash, I'm not going to miss this sign up. If it wasn't for the brainwash, my love,

the things I would do to you. That is the best Caracas accent impression I have ever heard. If it wasn't for... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 years old. Ah, ah, ah, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 years old. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Oh, Elio, you are an instant classic.

I absolutely love you. I can barely understand anything you say, but your spirit and your positive energy and your fun style. He just said he's in the same boat that he doesn't understand. You don't understand him? I don't understand myself. Oh, cool. I would be really scared to be ever in the same boat as Elio.

I don't know where we would be going. But with that said, fun stuff, man. Keep working on it. Keep brainwashing. Elio Aponte. Good luck, honey. Thank you, guys. He's on Twitter at David Eli. Keep working on it. Keep brainwashing. Elio Aponte. Good luck, honey. He's on Twitter at David

Eli. Thanks for the toilet. He's got a whole other human's Twitter handle. That's your Twitter, Elio? David Eli. Is that your dream white name or something? He's like, what's... Real Elio Aponte.

Real Elio Aponte. Like Donald Trump. He's like, what's the richest, like Donald Trump. Real Elio Aponte. Like Donald Trump. He's like, what's the richest kind of white person? A Jew. At David Eli. I am Elio Aponte. Follow me. At David Eli.

Are there a lot of imposter Elio Apontes, do you think? You guys having fun or what? We're in it. Kill Tony live from San Francisco. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Ed Ant. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Ed Ant. Here he comes.

He's got a strong pace. Sam Brandon, you've got to put your fucking hands together. Sorry. Sorry. Thank you, Tony. Usually when I'm on a stage, I have notes with me because I don't memorize anything. And today is no

exception. I think that the chances of someone being a colossal dick go up with every catchphrase that they come up with. That's why I stick with the classic, go fuck yourself. Everybody can be neatly summed up with one single word, and if you believe that, then the word is moron. My mom loves that I do this and that I use my voice. But she wants me to use my native tongue.

So for her, I say no. There he is! Ed Ant! Ed Ant! Ed Ant! What a great name. What a great voice.

You should do voiceovers. You should definitely divert do voiceovers. You should definitely divert into voiceovers. For every single movie that comes out. You do have a good voice. You got a good persona. I keep hearing that from people. In a time where no one could survive, there was only one.

In a joke without a punchline. In a world where everyone wants me to say this. Yeah. That's good. That sounds good. That's it. You sound like a professional voiceover guy, and you dress like a professional Little League umpire.

It's amazing, Ed. You have a whole thing to you. Like a recently fired Little League umpire. Strike two. You're out. This summer. Ah, fuck it. It's too late for that now.

One man's struggle to pay his Xbox Live membership. Ed, have you watched a lot of comedy? Yes, I have. How long have you been doing it for? About a year and a half. Oh, cool. You go up a lot? Like once a week.

Do you always carry the bag on stage with you? Yes, I do. Is it filled with little notes? Or little fingers? He keeps the body parts. The pastry. Are there little fingers in there? Lady fingers.

I don't know what I'm talking about. I just think he has like, it's so there except for the most important part, which is, like Moshe was saying, the punchline. But you know, you were getting there. You want to go a little harder. I actually think you should just do stand-up more. Once a week seems,

I mean, I'm not one of these dudes, I hate these people who are like, you got to go 72 times a week. No more friends. No more sex. Comedy only. But once a week is too little, I think, at a year and a half. I think, right? Oh, yeah. You gotta be doing four

or five times, I think. What do you do for work? Can you fit it in your schedule? Nothing. You got nothing going on. Nothing. Wow. I am a bum. How do you survive doing that? General assistance is quite generous if you spend nothing. General assistance?

You mean like unemployment checks? Like that, except I never had a job to begin with. Wait, they give you checks called general assistance? It's welfare. General assistance. General assistance sounds like the nicest guy in the U.S. military. Hello.

I'm General Assistance. What the fuck do you guys need? I'm going to do some push-ups. Tell me how many. Whatever you want. I'm General Assistance. Meet my friends, Colonel Helpful and Commander What Can We Do For You. What's general assistance?

How much do you get for that? San Francisco, I'd imagine. How do you survive? It doesn't make sense. I get a little shit room and like a hundred bucks to do whatever the hell I want. A hundred bucks? Yeah. It covers my rent.

A month? Yeah. Are you not able to get a job? I just don't want to have a boss. Right now, every Trump supporter is like, I'm listening. You're the problem. I hate this guy.

He's in San Francisco, you say? I knew we were right. Yeah, but fuck those guys. Yeah, fuck them. Fuck it. Who cares? You don't want to have a boss? I just don't like the idea of somebody telling me what to do and where to be.

Yeah, but imagine $200 a month. I could buy so much porn. You're on to something. You could buy porn? Dude, you buy porn? I think I know what's wrong with your economic plan. Buy porn? I mean, I've heard that you can get it for free.

I'm not aware of that directly, but I got some perverted friends who tell me. Ed, what is the last real job that you've had? I actually run, I have a website. You do not run. I'm looking

right at you, Ed. I have a website every so often. Somebody's got an awesome laugh in the middle of the room. The closest that I've come to work is a website. I put up a podcast every once in a while.

What's the website, though? What are you doing on there? Originally, it was... Wait, he just asked you what your last job was. You were like, I have a website? Hey, hey, it's a tough economy. It's a tough economy. You got to take what you get.

That's not connected to the economy. Those are different. Like, what's the last job you have? I like Nikes, I'll tell you that. Okay, but what are you peddling on that website? That's a good question. It used to be a dating website. The title is...

How did that not work out? Well, wait till I tell you the name of the website. Yeah, what was it? JustMeAndChicks.com It was a dating website and you were the only man available? Yeah. I am a visionary, my friend. You should do that on stage.

That should be your joke. That's funny. Did you get dates that way? No. That's funny. JustMeAndChicks.com. Are you a man seeking women? Please divert to a different website. Are you me?

That's cool. If it worked, it would have been spectacular. But, you know, what's your dream job? I don't know. Get money for nothing. So you got it, baby. Living the dream. Because someone's always going to be telling you what to do.

There's always going to be someone who's going to be telling you what to do. I mean, there's always going to be someone who's going to tell you you have to be somewhere to do your amazing voiceover job. Clearly, I haven't thought my life out all that well. How old are you, Ed? 31. 31. 31. Just chicks and me. 31.

Huh? Why do I feel like the crash test dummies had more hits than that website did? Like I said, if it would have worked, it would have been spectacular. What would have been spectacular about it? You would have gotten laid? No, I can see where a girl would be very attracted

to your lifestyle. I like you, Ed. I might be the only one, but I like you. So I get 50 bucks a month, and you get 50 bucks a month. This is great. What do you sleep on, Ed? A mattress.

A casting couch. Boom. Look at sober Brian Redman. 3 p.m. Unbelievable. On fucking fire. Do you like your life, Ed? Because it sounds kind of fun.

Not really. No. Now, what do you do for fun? You only do stand-up once a week. I thought for sure. I thought for sure when he's like, just once a week. I'm like, wow, this guy must work his ass off at night.

And instead, it's quite the opposite, Ed. You might be the laziest person I've ever met in my entire life. I don't even think we could ever be friends. At least I know I've accomplished something. Wait, Ed, but for real, why don't you do stand-up more often? Are you not that serious about stand-up?

Not really. That's legit. That's a totally legit answer. I'm not even... Pat said it. Even when it comes to everybody's dream job, I really don't give a fuck. I wish more people would say that. An honest answer like that.

It's true because some people are just hobbyists and that's okay. That's what open mics are for. They're not only for professional aspiring comedians. There are people like, oh, I want to try it. And then you go, oh, I'm not that good at that. I think I'll go back to this website. What do you do for fun, Ed? Like, what are you doing with all this spare time?

Yeah, like, what brings you joy? Why do I feel like Moshe may have nailed it with a little Xbox reference there? Am I right? I play League of Legends, and that's about it. On what? Oh, we just figured it out. On what? It's a PC game.

How many hours a day do you do it? Maybe like two hours, something like that. What do you do with your day, though? There's 22 hours left, Ed. What's that? You read? This is why I don't want a boss. Constantly on my ass about what I'm doing. You think this is what a boss is like? Oh, my God.

I almost physically died there for a second. That's how underemployed this dude is. He's like, he picks your boss up. What kind of porn you like, dude? See, this is what I don't like about having a boss. Smoke weed. Asking me funny questions. I turn around 150 people laughing on this side, you on that side.

This is exactly what I hate about motherfucking bosses. Trying to get some interesting stuff out of me to entertain the live audience. I think there's something we have not uncovered yet. Oh, I agree. Yeah, I think we're like four questions away from tears. Yeah.

You got a gun? No. That's cool. Like Ed, for example, can you just tell me what you did this morning, today, until you got here? Jerked off. How many times? Until you got here. Twice?

Twice. My man. Or my man. I mean, yeah, I jerk off too and stuff into my wife. That's not jerking off and we all know it. Ed, when's the last time you've been

with a woman? A few years. Question one. A few years. How did that go down? Was that fun? You went high pitch for the first time. All of a sudden,

if you ask me about the last date I went on, let's just say, well, I don't know. She wasn't awake. If you want me to be honest, she was quite ugly, but it was a fun time. It is that kind of honesty that strikes me in my spinal cord, Ed.

Can I just ask one more question? Where are you from? Because you seem like you have a pretty highly educated vibe. Yeah. A small town on Long Island called Bayshore. And did you go to college? I went I went to an art school for programming Video games

And you don't really program anymore? No Why don't you make like an indie game? He just wants to jerk off, Moshe You should make a video game. I'm giving it to you. They just gave us some video paper. Joel motherfucking Jimenez. Shoot it in the bucket.

Wow. So, Ed, if you had to just, since we know stand-up isn't your passion, before you go, can you tell us one big dream that you do have, something that you'd love to accomplish, something out there where you're like, man, if I could do that, I would. Six girlfriends. Six girlfriends. What do you mean by girlfriends? Six girlfriends or six girls to fuck?

Six girlfriends would be a nightmare. Yeah. I feel that there's some overlap. Some overlap. Yeah, I feel that way too some overlap. Some overlap. Yeah, I feel that way too. Ed, have you ever thought about getting into the... Is there a porn business for big men? He is not motivated enough to do porn.

Would you do porn? I mean, you technically would have a boss. How big is your dick, Ed? I gotta say, it must be big. That's the fourth question, by the way. Usually, for guys to be this unambitious, it's a big one. Yeah. Yeah.

Are you cut? It's big enough. Good helmet? Are you cut? Are you uncut? Yeah. Does it work? It works.

Still got it. Very good. Very good, Johnny. It works and it's uncut. I have a serious question. Would the six girlfriends have to be quite ugly or pretty or attractive? I hope it varies in range, but... Only one ugly one.

This dude has the most elegant voice talking about the most fucking gross shit. Yeah, exactly. What I want out of my life is a dreamscape in which my welfare-addled room is turned into a fuck palace for a variety rainbow of ugly to fine

women, ranging in breast size from a minus A into a double D. I will blow my load upon each of their titties one by one until my great white whale, that's what I call my ding-dong, explodes once and for all.

Yes. Yes. Exactly. And that is Ed Ant, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Make some noise for Ed. Who has more fun than us at 3 p.m. on a Saturday afternoon, huh?

Ed motherfucking Ant. That is one of the most interesting people we've ever had on the show. That guy doesn't want to do fucking shit. Tony, I'm scared. Of him? Yeah.

I mean, I just never met anybody like that before. I know, right? It's just very elegant. It's almost like... Elegant. It's almost like it's delivery but nothing else. It's just like not to be or definitely not to be.

To be or less to be. Even less. What was I saying? I pulled another name out of the bucket. As we've seen, anything can happen. Put your hands together for Brady Hold, everybody. Here he comes.

Brady Hold. He's sprinting. Hey, guys. I'm Brady Hold. I'm not the most famous Brady Hold. If you Google me, you get some more results for something like Tom Brady holds the pass or Wayne Brady holds desperately

onto his career. I just cancelled my Netflix membership. I can't even chill! I had to binge watch one last show, though. You guys ever heard of Narcos? It's about the drug kingpin Pablo Escobar.

That's right. At the end of season two, spoiler alert, Snape kills Dumbledore. I recently learned I have 60% of my DNA in common with that of a banana. You guys, if this is true, why am I not more appealing? I was at the DMV recently. Stop appealing? I was at the DMV recently.

Hey, you, stop it! I was at the DMV. I thought things would run a lot faster here at the DMV if cheetahs worked here at the DMV. Cheetahs. Wild animals. The DMV.

Wow. Brady. Oh. Brady. One of the most compelling sets. You really push him away and then pull him back in. That's one way to do it. Has anyone ever gotten booed during Kill Tony before?

That was one of the first. Yeah, definitely. There may have been singular boos before, but there was a whole fucking hate group over here. Like Bernie supporters at the Hillary convention. Just like one section. Just like, fuck you! And he's all like Sarah Silverman,

like, you guys are being pathetic. Even though I tweeted about Bernie for nine months continuously. Oh yeah, take her down! Bernie asked her to do that. I know. I love Bernie. I was just disappointed when I saw him get screwed over. Let's talk politics.

Here we are, Brady, one of the funniest school shooters we've ever had on the show before. Without a doubt. Brady, I got a lot of questions. Let's get into it. Fire it up at any point. What's your favorite candy, Laffy Taffy? Swedish Fish.

Swedish Fish is a good candy. I like it. Follow-up question. Your dick, I can see it. Ah. Yeah, there it is. It definitely is. I'm not sure I know what a question is, but definitely I can see that. Either that I know what a question is, but definitely. Either that or you have a third thumb in your pants.

A third thumb. It's exactly thumb size. More of a girl. Why does your dick have a fingernail on it? Wow. That's so the girl can pick the pubes out of her teeth after. I'm sorry. My bad.

Why did I say girl? I'm sorry. Brady. We're wearing a tiny t-shirt. Yeah. That's small. Do you always wear small t-shirts? I'm trying to wear more fashionable clothes.

It's raining. Do you always wear small t-shirts? I'm trying to wear more fashionable clothes. I think the point is he's putting a little thought into what he's wearing, which is the first thing we've seen tonight. That is true. So what do you do? How long have you been on stand-up, Brady? About two and a half. It'll be three in August.

Three years? Three years. Badup, Brady? About two and a half. It'll be three in August. Three years? Three years. Bad news, Brady. We were hoping you were going to say months right then. We all sort of thought you were going to say months. We were going to all be like,

wow, man, you're doing it, dude. Two and a half months. You're fucking on pace to be one of the greats. But instead, you went on to say the word years at the end of it all. I'm so sorry. At which point you may as well have said decades. Because I've been doing it since I was two.

Brady, Brady, Brady. Like that appealing joke. You don't think that that's hot dog shit? Like you don't see it? I don't do it as much anymore, but... Oh, right, ever since that popsicle accused you of joke thievery? I just...

I figured it's just a... It's like Rogan's video, but it's just a popsicle stick. It's just him with a box of popsicles out in the sun one day. This writing's going great. Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip. Oh my god, I have the best new banana joke. One could almost call your act a popsicle shtick.

A popsicle shtick? Come on. As a Jew, I appreciate the Yiddish. I mean, the DMV joke was so, so bad. I did not understand it. Moshe had to explain it to me. I still don't get it. Can you explain it to me? Wait, say it again. So I was at the DMV

and I thought things would run a lot faster here if cheetahs worked here at the DMV. Oh no! What if Tony just killed himself? He just stood up and blew his brains out. Oh my god. It's worse than I thought it was. Well, everything's pun related.

I mean, that's a thing. So if you like puns, you're not funny. But no, I'm just saying. You just gotta get better at the puns. What's your tattoo? It's a bacon strip. And is it a pun?

I just like bacon. Okay, that's cool. Are you passionate about stand-up? Yeah, you are. I do it like five, six nights a week. Oh, no. You do? You work that hard at it?

Yeah. I'll even do shows on the BART. What made you get a strip of a... Wait, wait, hold on. No, I didn't even hear it. I just heard a bunch of dirty groans. What did you say? He does shows on the subway here.

Yeah, there's a subway here called BART. Yeah. What's that like? It's fun. Are you alone or do you bring other people? No, I do it with a comedy partner. He's not here today. He couldn't get the ticket in.

He couldn't get a ticket to get... Hey, shut up. Jesus Christ. What are you even booing? Fuck partners! He's being a cheapskate. Oh, he couldn't... They were going to make a pay.

So you guys go on a Bart and you just take over the car And start doing Yeah we just start You know Does anybody ever Know if you've been assaulted Like a few times or what One time like a guy Like was looking at

My partner As he was like Why are you looking at me You know And the guy And then we were just like We just got off Because that's the best part

About doing it You just get off the train Or move to the next car Right Or throw yourself In front of it Throw yourself In get off the train. Or move to the next car. Right. Or throw yourself in front of it. Throw yourself in front of the train. Throw myself in front of it. Wow.

Who writes the jokes? You or the partner? We both. Well, we each do our own things. Oh, you guys like co-produce this Bart show. Yeah. This is cool. This sounds like the worst fucking train car in all of San Francisco.

Hey, you guys want some more or what? Wait, is that a banana? You got a banana there? Where are you from? Well, I grew up in Milpitas until I was eight and then moved to Sacramento, El Dorado Hills until I was like 19. And then Berkeley and then just basically I live in my car right now. Oh, okay.

Bay boy. Bay boy. That's funny you live in your car but you do your comedy on Bart. Yeah, I know. I was going to do that. He lives in his car and he put a good outfit together.

That's impressive. Yeah, that's true. Do you know about government assistance? Because you could get your own little mattress. Are you ready to join my army, son? My name's General Assistance.

I want to sign you up. I'm going to talk to Ed. Why do you live in your car? My dad was down in San Jose. Oh, my dad. I'm going to get some of your guys. No, I'm kidding. And my new job started in Foster City.

And so I was like, I just didn't want to commute all the way up. And I figured if I was in my car, I could just be up in the city doing shows and stuff up here for comedy. What's your job in Foster City? I'm a security guard. Oh, cool. Where at? There's this biopharmaceutical place down there. I have an idea how you can make some money and get out of your car.

What kind of car are you living in? Corolla, 2013. And the job doesn't pay enough to be able to afford to start paying with? I mean, I probably could, but I haven't really been looking.

Yeah, why would you, right? But you look so clean. What about showers? Is that an issue? Gym membership. 24-hour fitness. All clubs. What's that?

All clubs. All clubs. All clubs, baby. All clubs. What's that? All clubs. All clubs. You got all clubs, baby. All clubs. It's raining. Don't steal his... Sorry. I got swept up by those jeans.

What's your sex life? I'm sorry. Yeah, no. Go on. Sometimes I'll fuck hookers if I have some extra money. Really? It's fine.

Hookers? So wait a fucking second. Are we talking like old school hooker where you literally pull up alongside them like, hey, what's up? This is my everything. No, these are just back page hookers, you know? Oh, back page. They don't have back page anymore.

Back page took down their hooker section. Back page is off. It sucks, dude. I'm sorry to hear that, man. The chick gets in your car and she's like, can we go back to your place? Sometimes I'll get into her car. You have no idea. So where's a good place to go around here?

He doesn't pick up. He's saying he goes to back page. You're not driving around the street. No, not driving around. You're a good looking guy. Do you like girls or boys? I like girls. You could get a girl.

Well, I guess the car thing. I got to interrupt for a second. So you go on Backpage, and then you find a hooker online, and then you tell her where your car is parked? Like an intersection or something like that? There's like an in-call versus out-call. See, he knows what it's all about. I have no idea.

But there's also a massage parlor 0.3 miles away from here that's open to nine. That's so specific. How do you know? Rubmats.com. Wait, so how much does a hooker cost you? Well, generally, you can get a quick visit. I like how eager you were to answer.

You could do like $120 for 30 minutes or something. What do you do with them for the 30 minutes? What's your go-to? Make out for a while and take off. Well, they don't do kissing. They don't like...

You need a GFE, man. You need a GFE out here. What? Have you ever paid extra to kiss them? No. One time I paid extra to go twice. Oh, how'd you do that? She was like, no, no, no.

It costs this much. And I'm like, but I've got like 40 bucks. And she's like, okay. So then what? You went twice. You put on a condom twice and had sex with her twice. Two different condoms. A condom? I ain't gay. Bareback.

Yeah. But I'm trying to lay off the hookers, though. You're trying to lay off? Why? I just, well, it's con... You're trying to lay off. Why? I just... Well, it's just like it's a bad habit. I wasn't like

clipping my fingernails for like two weeks and I realized like that's not a normal act of seduction is just like... So I figured I should... What about your dick nail?

Did you trim your dick nail? Wait, what does clipping your fingernails have to do with your prostitute addiction? Yeah. Because you would like... Let's say you're going to talk to somebody,

you would be hygienic and clean yourself. So I figure I should do those things. You sleep in a car, dude. Nobody gives a fuck about that. Nobody's going to be like, this Corolla sucks, but your nails are awesome. That's what I'm saying, because you could skip all those normal steps. But if you go to a normal person who doesn't fuck with people who... How often do you perform on the subway?

At least once a week. I'll do the subway thing once a week and do open mics all the other nights. That's cool, man. Yeah. How many minutes do you do? How many minutes do you do is the question. About five minutes at a time. On the subway.

So there's a part where you're literally like, Dad, thank you, that's a time. On the subway. So there's a part where you're literally like, thank you, that's my time. And the people are like, none of it was your time. It was all our time. Took it. It's a tough crowd, but they're a really captive audience. Yeah, that's right.

I love that his jokes are like, you'd find on a Hubba Bubba rapper, but his real life, he's like, fucking hookers. He's like Artie Lang, his real life, he's like fucking hookers. He's like Artie Lang, like his real life. His comedy's like a 1981

evening at the improv. That's cool. You should talk about this, by the way. Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. I do have some jokes about prostitution. I wasn't sure if they would be under the minute though, so that's why I got nervous and did one-liners. It's all good. I want to hear that shit.

Yeah, you got to get into what's really your style. And don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever repeat that banana joke ever again. I don't care how hard you're bombing on the subway. Just avoid that joke. Because what's interesting about the hookers thing is you do seem, by the outfit, do you dress like this all the time? Yeah, well, see, the thing is like i you do you do seem by the outfit do you dress like this all the time i uh yeah well i see the thing is when i moved into the car i had about like i i packed a week's worth of clothes and uh they were just like my jeans were a little too big i'd lost a lot of weight and so like i said like as i'm getting new clothes i'm just gonna get rid of

the old clothes and then put in new i'm I'm just saying like when I came up I thought you were gay. And that's not like I just did. That's so funny for him to open up talking about how he fucks prostitutes. Yeah.

It's so in congress with your look. It's like kind of you think of a prostitute guy as like you know what I'm saying. And you'll get creepy.

You know what I mean. They're called masseuse. He looks like Conor McGager. You son of a bitch. I've gotten Nick Swarzen a lot. I kind of see that. Also though, a lot of girls

they'll fuck you because you're on stage. So if you let them know that you're straight it could be good for your sex career too and then give you something to wake up and clip your nails for. they'll fuck you because you're on stage. So if you let them know that you're straight, it could be good for your sex career too and then give you something to wake up and clip your nails for. Yeah. All right, Brady. Well, there you go.

You did it again. Brady Holt, ladies and gentlemen. He's on Twitter at Brady Holt. We're flying through it. We're almost there. I think I got a woman up in this piece. Yeah. Any ladies sign up tonight?

They must be marching. I mean, I don't know why that got a laugh. It's just true. They're probably marching. I was just stating a fact. How about Joseph Ugalde? Here he comes. Hi, gang.

Oh, let's see. You wouldn't know what to look at me, but when I was a teenager, I went to a goth phase. Yeah, you know what that is? It's where teenagers dress in black and listen to depressing music. Did you know one day a year, there's a goth day at Disneyland?

Yeah. All the goth kids take over. It's the saddest people on earth, but the happiest place on earth. Yeah. The popular rides that day include It's a Small and Meaningless World, My Parents Won't Give Me Any Space,

Mountain, and meaningless world. My parents won't give me any space. Mountain. The it-just-doesn't-matter horn. Thing is, the sign on the rides that says no cutting in line makes on a whole new Menear and Goth day It gets better kids There you go

Exactly a minute From Joseph Ugalde Who I thought for sure When I saw you That you were going to Be a magician When I heard Ugalde I thought for sure

You were going to be a Nigerian Yeah Yeah Ugalde, I thought for sure you were going to be a Nigerian. Yeah. Ugalde sounds African, right? You're thinking of Uganda, probably. Yeah, there it is. Brian nailed it. Nailing it. Some of the same letters.

What are you? What is your ethnicity? My great-grandparents came from Mexico. So you're Mexican. My great-grandparents came from Mexico. So you're Mexican. My great-grandparents came from Mexico. I'm an American with Mexican roots. Oh, wow. Someone's really afraid of this Trump situation, huh? Totally American.

Very distant, distant, distant Mexican roots. Don't even like them anymore. Yeah. Only all of my great-grandparents are from Mexico. Every single one of them. But I'm an American. All the way through. Don't let this dark skin confuse you.

Just been out in the sun a lot. Joseph, what do you do for work? I'm a consultant. How long have you been on stand-up? It's almost exactly two years. Wow. Very cool. What are you consulting on? Social media, web content.

Basically, I get away with doing as little as possible for the man. Oh, really? Have you met our friend Just Chicks and Me? Ed Ant? I'm the social media director for justchicksandme.com. No, he's the consultant. He's the consultant.

He went and got rich off of it somehow. What the fuck? Oh, I just lost everything. What's your favorite kind of porn to watch? That's a good question. How old are you, Joseph? I don't know, 40-something. Favorite kind of porn?

POV. Oh. I don't know what that stands for. It's not. POV I don't know what that stands for Penis on vagina Penis on vagina Very good Brian Redman So have you done the virtual reality porn yet? No, with the goggles?

No, I want to do that POV, now what is it about the POV that you like so much? And when doing it, do you put it really close to your face, like the monitor or whatever? Yeah, yeah. So that you're all in it, just like,

oh my god, this is totally me. I'm fucking this girl. It's pretty convincing. And then, do you have a certain setup that you do? Do you put your laptop on your chest or something and just lay down and jerk off? Or, like, is it a standing thing? Like, you put it on a shelf and just go hard at it like that?

Like, how do you do it? What's your setup like? I believe I've got a recliner. Oh, man. I thought the only lazy boy up here tonight was Ed Hand. That's pretty good. You have, like, a real lazy boy. So you was at hand. That's pretty good. You have like a real lazy boy. So you pull the lever,

right, and your chair's just like, he's doing it again. Here he goes. Wait, do you have a family? No, I'm a single man. A single man. Never been married. Never even been engaged. Especially at work. Strictly ladies?

Strictly ladies, yeah. Alright. So the goth thing, I just don't really need, I didn't really need to know that you used to be goth. I mean, just from a technical perspective, like, the joke, you could have just started. You don't have a goth day. It seems like you're shoehorning

that in to, you know, be able to get away with it, like you're making it about yourself. But I mean, your perspective on that joke and how you end up having... It's very clunky in the beginning to the point to where I was like, wow, I was shocked at how bad it was going in the first 15, 20 seconds.

But then after that, you really... At least his puns made sense. Yeah, exactly. But the cutting line, the cutting line is a good thing. That's funny. Oh, you were going to say that afterwards? That's a funny line. Thank you.

I don't like how confident you are right now, I'll be honest. Yeah, I know. The cutting thing, that's a banger. Do you drive a scooter? Why do I feel like you drive a scooter? Am I correct about that? No, I wouldn't touch a scooter. What's your ride? I drive a scooter? Why do I feel like you drive a scooter? Am I correct about that? No, I wouldn't touch a scooter.

What's your ride? I drive a used car, but I live in San Francisco, so I only drive maybe once a week. It just doesn't get used. What do you do for fun? I was originally a musician before I started comedy. What did you play? I play guitar.

Oh, let's see it. Let's hear it. Oh, shit. You played mariachi style or like... No, I'm an American. American mariachi. My grandparents were mariachis and they taught me how to play. Here we go.

All right. The music of... Yeah. Joseph Ugalde. He's plugged in, I think. Do you sing, too? Oh, la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la You know what that is. Mm-hmm. Remember he did that a lot? Anyway. Hey, he's good. That was good.

Yeah. Nothing really matters. No matter horns. Well, Joseph. Do you work primarily in puns as well? I did a lot of that. I was getting a reputation for that, but I'm trying to do more personal stuff.

Yeah. I mean, that kind of joke comes easy to that, but I'm trying to do more personal stuff. That kind of joke comes easy to me, but I'm trying to get more real. Got to flex all those muscles. That is a thing people do in common now. They're like, you're supposed to be real. It's supposed to be about your real life. It's like, who said that?

Why? You go back and then all of a sudden you hear Mitch Hedberg and you're like, fuck. That's what Louis does. Yeah, he's good. You suck. Not you.

I'm saying, you know what I mean? It's like Steve Martin wasn't real. I don't know anything about Zach Galifianakis' personal life. At all. But that last guy, though, who was into prostitutes, you wanted him to talk about that. Well, that's because that banana shit was just bad. I wanted that good, good hooker shit. Like, I'm trying to geter shit. I live in my

Corolla vibe. Well, Joseph, I mean, you did it. You came in. You got a good note there by getting right into it. Cut out the fat. Get into the jokes and fun stuff. You have a good delivery system. And there you go. Joseph

Ugolde. What do you guys think? Try to get one more up here? Yeah. All right. Since you guys want it. Is there any girls here that actually signed up, though? It would be really nice to have them.

Yeah, Brian, why don't you just settle down? That's really like... I mean, there should be a woman, don't you think? I think so. Nine men? Too many guys.

Well, then, maybe I should just pull out the name that says Jennifer Brimey. You motherfucker. Jennifer. Oh, she bailed? Jennifer, here she comes. Here she comes, Jennifer Brimey. A few walks up. Jennifer Briney.

Guys, we're in together with Jennifer, everybody. Hi. I'm going to address the orange elephant in the room, which is that Donald Trump was just elected president and became president yesterday. And I've been having massive anxiety about this. and judging by all the pussy hats outside the door right now I don't think I'm alone and um so yesterday I was having an anxiety attack and one of the things that made me feel better was thinking about the fact that as a white woman in the United States I'm kind of legally invincible because I can't even get in trouble when I get in trouble so for an an example, 2002, I got arrested. I was 100% guilty, and I said so in court. My fine was $0.

I'm clearly not in jail, and I have nothing on my permanent record. Fast forward three months later, I did the same exact crime with the cop that arrested me. So privilege checked. And oh my god. I'm totally bombing. So this is what this feels like. There you go. That's a minute. Jennifer Briney. What's the crime?

Whoa. That was amazing. I always love it when they call it out to take the air out Whoa. That was amazing. I always love it when they call it out to take the air out of when we do it three seconds later. But what is this crime she keeps doing? That was one of the funniest CNN headline reports I've ever heard.

That was so funny because you said I'm totally bombing in the same cadence as the rest of the stuff so I thought it was a part of the bit. And I got arrested so privilege check. Oh my god, I'm totally bombing in the same cadence as the rest of the stuff so I thought it was a part of the bit. And I got arrested so privilege check. Oh my god, I'm totally bombing. Wow. I'm now considering suicide for the first time. Maybe it's not so great to be a white

woman. I'm going to kill myself now. And then she does. You basically did. You felt the pain was coming and you tried to I'd imagine that's what it was like for Hitler in that bunker when he took like the pills just hearing all the Soviet soldiers surrounding him like fuck fuck fuck

it's not working the truth is I thought that I got out of performing and so I'd kind of relaxed and then you said my name as the very last person when I saw that it was 426 and this was over at 430 so I relaxed and I was like oh shit thank you for flipping me off.

Jennifer pulling the old Hillary with a bunch of excuses at the end. Oh, I do. Let me guess. It was Putin's fault that this happened? No, it's mine. Just kidding, guys. I got something political to say. Alright.

Russia's a phantom enemy. We rebooted Russia as international villains All right. All right. Russia's a phantom enemy, okay? We rebooted Russia as international villains, just like we rebooted any fucking movie. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, totally. The Soviet Union is just a fucking Russia reboot. It's a phantom enemy. Totally.

There's like a gay guy. Don't believe anything you read. There's a gay dude in a dungeon. It's all lies. Mass confusion. Watch the documentary Hypernormalization. Seen the documentary. There's a gay dude in a dungeon in St. Petersburg who. Watch the documentary Hypernormalization. Seen the documentary. There's a gay dude in a dungeon in St. Petersburg

who's like, right on, Pat. What's your name again? It's Jen Briney. Jen, will you just tell me what this crime is you keep doing? Oh, so I got arrested for underage drinking and possession of false identification. Wait, what? No, it wasn't that bad. Yeah, I got arrested for that. drinking and possession of false identification. Wait, what? No, it wasn't that bad. Yeah, I got arrested for that.

No, of course you did. First of all, how old are you? Well, now I'm 34. Oh, this was many, many years ago. Yeah, this was years back. Back in the Prohibition days. Yes.

You had a fake ID. you had a fake ID. I had a fake ID. I went to a bar in the alcohol of Bureau and Tobacco or whatever. They were sitting there waiting to bust the bar, and then I walked in all underage. How old were you at the time? I was 20. And so they arrested me, took the fake ID.

I went to court, admitted it. They gave me no punishment whatsoever. And then I went to a house party and I looked in the window and there was the cop that arrested me, dressed like a cat. It was a Halloween party. Sure. Not a pig. My friends wanted this. What's that? Not a pig. They usually dress like pigs. It doesn't matter. Go ahead. No, not a pig.

Totally a cat. You should use that joke in the retelling of this. Or even a joke. I mean, just as a... Just throw that out there. That's good advice. So you show up at a party, like a normal house party, and he's dressed like a joke. I mean, just as a... Just throw that out there. That's good advice. So you show up at a party, like a normal house party, and he's dressed like a cat. Is she partying?

Oh, it's a she. It was a chick cop. Oh, check your privilege. And she was the mean one, too. There was a guy cop and a chick cop, and she was the mean one. And I see her, and my friends are like,

okay, we need to sneak you out. I'm like, let me just see how this goes, because she wasn't a total bitch at the court hearing or whatever. So I went in there, and I was like, do you remember me? And she had already taken a few shots. Okay, now that's the whitest shit you've said so far.

That's never, no person of color has ever gone to their arresting officer like, Hey, what's up? Happy Halloween. It's possible. That you should my lady. It's possible. That you should tell too. That's hilarious. Okay.

Like the every, and look, I'm not a person of color, but compared to you, I am.

And anybody that sees their arresting officer would be like, I'm actually going to leave this party right now.

Yeah. So what happens? So you come up to her, you're like, hey, I don't know if leave this party right now. Yeah. So what happens? So you come up to her. You're like, hey, I don't know if you remember me. Hi. No, I like kind of literally did that. I was like, hi, do you remember me?

And she says, oh, my God, yes, I do. She gave me a hug and said, are your friends here? It's so fucked up. She gave you a hug and said, are your friends here? It's so fucked up! She gave you a hug and said what? And she said, tonight you don't have to worry about me. Like, we're cool. Weren't you over 21 at the time?

No, I was still 20. This was three months after she arrested me. By the way, this... How long were you 20 for? For a year. I would... That was funny, actually. How long were you 20 for? For a year. I would... That was funny, actually. I mean, I would put all this detail in there

because that's actually funny. That's the whitest shit ever is that the cop hugged you and whispered in your ear you don't have to worry tonight. I mean, that is so funny. And also, I would just get rid of the phrase privilege because it's like... I mean, white privilege is real. And also, I would just get rid of the phrase privilege because it's like, that's just like a, I mean, it's real, white privilege is real, but it's a

political buzzword. And really what the point of it is, the context is that you're privileged. You just say, that was the whitest shit that ever happened. That's the whitest shit that's ever happened in history. A cop whispered in my ear while stroking the back of my head, you never have to worry again. I mean, there's a lot of fun to be

had in that joke. Alright, thank you. The word privilege is like a ploy word created by the government. If you don't believe me, watch the documentary Hyperbole. Watch it, he said again. Watch it, man. You don't fucking know, dude. Next week it might be you wrapped up in toilet paper,

bro. Watch the fucking documentary, dude. Well, Jennifer, I mean, that's the name of the game. It's a tough situation. How long... Have we talked to you about your stand-up? Do you do it often? This is my first time ever. Whoa!

How about that? Well, that worked out. Wait, how are you... How did you even know to say bombing? Well, that worked out. Wait, how are you... How did you even know to say bombing? Oh, because you, like, pictured this moment, right? And you were like... Yeah, and this was, like, the worst, like, nightmare. So you guys have been nice since then, so... But I think I've learned that I should probably tell that story

not politically, probably. Well, not politically. It's just that what I was getting the impression... Flesh out the details. When we hear you say that you got arrested, immediately everybody is going, wonder what she got arrested for. Shoplifting.

That's not the funniest part, because you got arrested for something that's not that big of a deal. Yeah, totally basic. It's the part that the cop saw me and was stoked, and we drank until sunrise. That's ridiculous. It doesn't happen to anybody. But I got the impression you were, like, more, you were more interested in letting the crowd know

that you were, like, woke and that you understood your privilege than that you were, like, trying to, like, slam some jokes. But the backdrop of that joke is that you're privileged. So we already know that. Yeah, and there might even be more. Like, you know how different it is being white

when you're, like, hanging out with a cop until sunrise being like, you know, I can't breathe because I'm laughing so hard with you. You know what different it is being white when you're hanging out with a cop until sunrise being like, I can't breathe because I'm laughing so hard with you. You know what I mean? Use the police things. You say something like, and I saw her there, so I went over to say hi.

Wait, let me just stop you there. Think about what I just said. I went to say hi to my arresting officer. There's a lot of moments, but you've never done stand-up before. How would you know that? Keep doing it. I have no idea what I'm doing.

Or like, hands up, because we're having a party. Funny. There you go, Jennifer Briney, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. It's a damn shame. I wish we could go forever. But, you know, at some point we have to call it quits. Who wants one more?

All right, Natasha Leggero called it. It's that girl right there. Okay, this is my first time doing stand-up. Don't worry, I'm not nervous, because it can't be any worse than the first time I had sex. Either way, in about five minutes, I'm going to be asked to leave. So I went to UCLA, and I majored in design media arts, and I minored in getting date raped. LA is a really fucked up place, but I could see why people move there,

because it has a lot of really great social programs. Like, for example, there's this really great program where the city, they sponsor where for every murdered prostitute, the city plants a palm tree. I was seeing this guy for a while and he told me that he told me it was okay if I slept with other guys but just not to let anybody else fuck me in the ass no please no I want to hear it

keep going keep going because I'm looking at the ass. Yeah. Keep going, Valerie. Is that your name, Valerie? Are you Valerie? No. No, what's your name?

I'll tell you my name after the punchline. Perfect. Go ahead. She's cocky, too. And I said, I said, I'm so sorry. I didn't know you wanted to be monogamous. Oh, there you go. That's a very punny episode. It is, right?

Also, her delivery style, every time she said a joke, she would just put the mic here. Yeah, I liked it. It actually, you really did have a swagger. You were playing with your hair, doing cool things to people that actually... I really appreciate this. I was so upset

when the girl got picked and it wasn't me and I thought it was going to be me. Are you crying or are you mentally ill? Okay. You're cool. She's cool, man. I'm so happy that you picked me. I was so upset that you didn't before,

but now everything's fine. I'm sorry. Holy shit. You're crazy. Oh, yeah. You are a lunatic. That is cool. Look at you.

I don't know your name, so I'm just going to call you Weird Allison. My name is Dana Bialik. Dana Bialik? Yeah, if you read it, you probably would have pronounced it wrong because it's really confusing. Isn't that the chick from Blossom?

No, that's Mayim. She also went to UCLA. That's cool. She knew every word to my first song. Oh, really? You knew every word to his... Have you ever... Oh, so this is your first song. The? You knew every word to his Have you ever Oh so this is your first song

The audience is over there Yeah there you go I care so much about you though Actually I like this person She's literally like a cross between Moshe and Natasha I feel like if you guys I feel like if you guys ever had a daughter It's our daughter

Don't call me daughter That's cool It's our daughter. Don't call me daughter. That's cool. That's our daughter, hon. Yeah, except for that monogamous joke. You can move in if you drop the monogamous joke. I don't know. I'm sorry. She hates puns. It's not your fault.

No, I don't want to think about my daughter being monogamous from ass-fucking. And that's where we differ as parents. And that's the thing. It's about a united front. You're not going to always agree with your partner, but you've got to make agreements to what you're going to... Not only a united front, but a united back.

Boom. Okay, the funniest thing about this to me is that I came here on purpose. I didn't want anyone to know me. And then the sound guy worked at my grad school. Whoa, that's the funniest part? That's it. You've got to work on the gauging of material.

I gave the other girl a lot of forgiveness for her not knowing what was funny. Here we are again. It's the day of your guys' march. Relax. Everybody's turning against each other. Tony, it's your march, too. I knew something was brewing over there. Yeah, don't diss other comedians or people.

I thought you were funny. Thank you. That first date rape joke was like, that was brutal. Good. Brutal good. That first, what was the thing about, the date rape joke was like, that was brutal, good. Brutal good. That was bud. How long have you been prepping for this? A really long time.

How long have you wanted to do stand-up? People have been telling me to do it for a long time, but I was too nervous. How long have you wanted to do it? Like forever. And how many months? That's not the answer. I don't know if you think that's gonna...

I'm really nervous. I feel really nervous. I feel really nervous. I want to be a filmmaker. I have a master's degree in art. And how many muscle relaxers did you take before you got that? I mean... Just some edible marijuana. Are you pretty loaded?

On edible marijuana? Yeah, or whatever. Loaded on money? No, are you like... Yeah, I was asking you a question in 1989. How loaded on money? No, are you like... I was asking you a question in 1989. How loaded with dough are you? Super loaded on the dough. Stock market.

You talking about my brand, baby? Super loaded. It's a synchronicity moment the year you mentioned was my year I was born. 1989? That's crazy. I'm born. 1989? Yeah. That's crazy. I'm 1979, so based on how early I hit puberty, I could be your father.

I busted my first nut at six. Damn, son. That's no joke. Take that rim shot back. Thank you, sir. I got some toilet paper. I really hope you do it more, though. I mean, that was a great first time.

For sure. The plan was for this to be my first time, so the fact that I thought I wasn't going to get picked was like, I was like, maybe this is my dream dying. Oh, wow. I hope nobody else feels that way, because it's seriously a random fucking bucket that we found around here earlier.

A lot of people signed up, too. This is probably the most sign-ups we've had in another city before. This is a comedy city. San Francisco, there's tons of comics. I started at this club. This is one of the best comedy cities in the world. Absolutely. A lot of my favorites from here. You,

Al Madrigal, Art Barker, Brent Weinbach. I mean, there's just so many. Ali Wong, so many great people. Robin Williams. Robin Williams, yeah. Yeah, Robin Williams' picture is hanging on the wall right over there. I mean, I can't even actually get it.

The weird part is that it's by a belt. He hung himself with a belt. Terrible, right? The belt. That's what, right? The belt. That's what's weird. The weirdest. But really, his picture is up there. I said that in front of the staff earlier,

and they barely laughed. See how funny it was, guys? I told you that was funny. Robin used to come in here, and he would sometimes come to the Sunday night showcase and watch the up-and-coming comics, and even once in a while and he would sometimes come to the Sunday night showcase and watch the up and coming comics and even once in a while he would go out he was truly one of the nicest people in the world

I got to meet him once at the comedy store and he went on stage and I've never seen anything like I've never seen a physical comedian live do half of what he did we have our physical guys at the store you know what I'm talking about?

Like people that are really funny that move and shit. He was flying everywhere. Sweat dripping off of him physically. He did like an hour and 15 minutes of pure sleigh. I've never seen anything like it. So Chris D'Elia is like Dom Herrera. What? Rest in peace,

Rob Williams. Yeah. We're talking about Robin Williams here. What are you saying? No, he's not. I'm saying that Robin, Robin moves. We're talking about Robin Williams here. What are you saying? No, he's not. I'm saying that Robin moved... There's not comics like that. He's drank like 11 vodkas.

Yeah, I'm saying Robin moved more physically. This was 2009, 2010. So that's impressive because he was like fucking 70. There's nobody like that anymore. It's all shit. Anyway, what was your name one more time? Dana Bialik. Dana Bialik.

What's your Twitter handle? It's Dana Bialik spelled D-A-N-N-A. Last name B-I-A-L-I-K. L-I-K. That's easy. I'll remember that. But that was good,K. That's easy. I'll remember that. But that was good, man. Good first set. Unfortunately,

your opening joke, you can't really tell that one anymore. That's why it needed to be somewhere important. Okay. I like your philosophy. I'm glad I have a daughter. Do not talk to your father that way! Listen to me, your Uncle Tony. Well, man, I mean, seriously, you really do.

I mean, you know, it was sort of like, I mean, well, I thought it was a few people's first time here tonight until they told me they were doing it two, three years. But that was like an amazing retreat. We've popped a lot of cherries on this show, and that was a great first-time set. And you have a real swagger to you. The jokes are never going to be there on set one, but your delivery system, it's very, very cool, very comfortable.

Lots of persona. Good job, Dana. Congratulations. You've got to do these open mics and crush it. Yeah. Go to the Brainwash Thursday nights. Tony Sparks, the godfather of San Francisco comedy. And you'll come up, and he'll say,

now, it's this lady's first time, so we've got to give him what? A lot of love. What's that? A lot of love. Wow. And then you'll go on and then you'll become one of these anals of San Francisco. Anals, I'm sorry. That's adorable.

Well, there she goes, everybody. Dana. For the first time on stage. Dana. Dana. Dana Bialik. D-A-N-N-A-B-I-A-L-I-K. Guys, we did it.

That's Kill Tony live from San Francisco. I'm sorry, people that didn't get up. I feel bad for you, but it's a fucking random show. That's how it works. Hey, come see me. Can I do a thing? Yes. You can do anything.

Come see me in Vancouver if you're listening. I'm going to be there for the JFL Festival and also my own television program, Problematic, debuts on Comedy Central April the 19th. Yeah, April 19th, Comedy Central. When's another period, season three, come out? I don't have an air date,

but it is the summer. Beautiful, we'll keep an eye on that. Another period, season three. Viacom family. I love it. There you go. So, April 19th for Problematic and the summer for another period. Pat Reagan was here.

He made the trip. These guys drove from LA early this morning for you. For you, you, you, and you. Pat Reagan's on Twitter at Patty Reagan. Joel Jimenez is at Mostly Sorry. Shout out to Jeremiah Watkins. We miss him. Very special shout out.

We love Jeremiah Watkins. We missed him today. He is in between episodes of The Roast Battle, where he is one third of the powerful wave for Roast Battle. He also just finished rapping on the goddamn comedy jam, Jeremiah Watkins, part of three of the most fun shows in LA. Live shows. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. I'm performing

stand-up in a lot of cities coming up. San Antonio, Calgary, Corpus Christi, Providence, Rhode Island, Portland on Valentine's Day at one of my favorite clubs in the world, Helium. So those tickets are at TonyHinchcliffe.com. Bunch of fun stuff coming out. Other podcasts, other things going on. You know what that is. TonyHinchcliffe.com. Bunch of fun stuff coming out. Other podcasts, other things going on.

You know what that is. TonyHinchcliffe.com. Brian Redband was here, everybody. See you guys. Thank you, audience. Good night. Outro Music Now you're a rock star. Get the show on. Get paid. you