KILL TONY - KILL TONY #194

Episode Date: February 4, 2017

Joe Rogan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Pat Regan, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 01/23/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. Go to DeathSquad.tv for all the things we do here at Death Squad,

including video portions to all the Kill Tonys by just clicking on videos or checking out past episodes. Don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Search the iTunes store, find Kill Tony, hit subscribe, and don't forget to rate and review the show. Also, we have a new podcast, Death Squad Chronicles, which is kind of like the Ice House Chronicles, just a new name. So check that out. You can find that at DeathSquad.TV.

Also, click on tour dates. We're everywhere. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store. We have the Ice House Secret Show every first and third Friday. And every first Wednesday of the month, we have our huge, big show at the Comedy Store in the main room. And that's the first Wednesday of every

month. Also, this Wednesday, it's our first time ever doing our show. Death Squad is coming to the Laugh Factory. So if you're around, we have a big show with Joe Rogan, Brian Holtzman, Brody Stevens, Kate Quigley, Ian Edwards,

and a secret guest. That's Wednesday, February 8th at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood, California. And last but not least, me and George Perez and Ryan Doon and Esther Koo is going to be in downey california february 10th that's next friday uh it's also hosted by roast battle winner frank

castillo uh so check that out that is at downey california you just go to death squad.tv and click on tour dates don't forget to go to Tony Hinchcliffe's website. He has a bunch of tour dates. Speaking of tour dates, he's in Corpus Christi. He's in Rhode Island, Portland, Oregon, Canada, Chicago. You can just go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. He also has all his merchandise and everything there. And Ryan J. Ebelts, the house artist, he draws every episode and made the Kill Tony poster.

He sells all the prints he draws at ryanjebelt.com. And last but not least, don't forget shopsquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. Death Squad hats and hoodies available very soon. If it's not sold out, go to shopsquad.tv. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the world's famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Five and five, get up for Tony Hitchcliffe. Hello, good evening. Welcome. Wow, I'm so excited about this. Back on our home court, fresh off of a wildly successful Kill Tony in San Francisco. Welcome, everybody. Happy Monday to you all. Are you guys ready for a crazy fucking night or what? Come on, I think you can do a little bit better than that. We're streaming this right now, people.

Let them know that you're here and that we're live. We're actually streaming in 360 VR. We are streaming in 360 degrees for the first time ever. So you can see Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, drawing that. See how he just looked up at you? Wow, look at that. That's crazy. Who's still clapping there in the middle? Oh, there's a delay here. Oh, the house artist, drawing that. See how he just looked up at you? Wow, look at that. That's crazy. Who's still clapping there in the middle? There's a little delay here. Oh, that's weird.

I thought we were seeing the real Comedy Store ghosts there. So here we are. We're live on a Monday. A lot of fun stuff happening. We just did a Crazy Keltoni in San Francisco. We're doing one in Austin, Texas. The show that you're at right now, the number one live podcast in the world, will be at Moont one in Austin, Texas. The show that you're at right now, the number one live podcast in the world, will be at

Moon Tower in Austin. April 21st. April 21st. Yeah. 4-21. And I'm doing a bunch of stand-up at a bunch of crazy places. Calgary, Canada. San Antonio this weekend with all my pro wrestling buddies.

We're going to the Royal Rumble after that. Wow. Corpus Christi, Texas. Providence, Rhode Island. Calgary, Canada, Chicago, Illinois, Las Vegas, our friend Joe Rogan. My goodness. What a schedule. Colusa, California, Madison, Wisconsin, Kansas City again. And yeah, Columbus at the end of May, Columbus, Ohio. I'm doing the Columbus Crews Soccer Stadium. That, Ohio. I'm doing the Columbus Crew Soccer Stadium.

That's ridiculous. A fucking soccer stadium. And you get to hang out with me in this scummy shoebox of an attic tonight. How lucky are all of you? I mean, really. Yeah. Yeah, I'll let you clap at that. That's Josh Martin.

You know him. You love him. He's at JoshMartinComic on Twitter. So let's jump into the episode, shall we? We got our dates out. We talked about life. We have people marching for Hillary. Here we are, all unified in the belly room of the comedy store.

I'm excited, people, and you should be too. What do we do first? Bring up the band? What do you think, Josh? I guess we're bringing up the band. Let's jump into it. You guys ready for a fun time tonight? Let's do it one more time. We're back in.

Post promo. What can I say about this band that I haven't said a thousand times before? I love them. They love me. It's a whole part of the unit. They made it up to San Francisco. This is the entire band. You're a very lucky audience because they're all so busy nowadays making it and show business that we don't always get all three of them at once. So this is a beautiful solar eclipse, always with a different, I never know what they're going to dress up like or what type of intro it's going to be. It's always a secret that they keep

from me. They always impress me every week. So let's see what they do this week. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Kill Tony Band, Reagan, Watkins, and Joel Jimenez. Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel, oh my God. That's so funny. I mentioned it for no reason.

That's so funny. I mentioned it for no reason. That's hilarious. Blatantly doing the Hillary March dressed as women in ponchos. It was raining everywhere too, wasn't it? It's so funny. People in San Fran were just soaked hey guys welcome hillary marchers how's it going good i just exhausted from marching this march shit was pretty fucking crazy i don't know how close you guys got to it uh i was in san francisco and just witness witnessing it was very amazing just a bunch of like it's amazing because nobody wants to tell their kid

they're like, Trump's saying all these bad things and I don't want my kid hearing it. So I'm going to put it on a sign and make them scream it over and over. A bunch of five-year-old girls like, don't touch my pussy! Don't touch my pussy! Joe Rogan, ladies and gentlemen. Your powerful guest.

They just came up, the They just came up. The band just came up dressed as Hillary Marchers. That's them dressed as women in the ponchos. Outstanding. How's it going, Joe? Better now. I'm here. Got stuck in some traffic?

Yeah, people slammed into each other on the highway. Bunch of morons. It's all right. We're good. I love it. Well, welcome back. You've done this before. I's all right. We're good. I love it. Well, welcome back. You've done this before. I have.

We're going to have a lot of fun. And you nailed it on the timing. So you came in absolutely perfectly. I'm so excited. Was there anything else you guys wanted to say about the Hillary march or anything like that? Are we good to move on? We're ready.

We are women. Hear us bore. I already love this. We'll see how that develops as the show goes on. One more time for the Kill Tony band and Joe Rogan. Let's start this fucking show. You know how it works, people.

I hope you know how it works. If this is your first time, your mind's about to get fucking blown because a bunch of crazy people and some of the best future comedians in the world mixed in sign up for a chance to do 60 seconds of stage time. When I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, that's adorable.

That means wrap it up then, or I'm sure going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Sure. It means wrap it up then. We're sure going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Sure. So there you go. There's a fucking cow in there too. So let's just jump into it. You guys ready to start the show? 60 seconds.

Uninterrupted. That sounds more like a bear than a horse. I thought my shoe was broken. You've killed bears with bow and arrows. Only bad ones. Only bad ones that taste good. Wow, really? Okay. Jeremiah, you're pretty good at playing a Hillary supporter.

He's not fat enough. I don't know. Lift up your shirt, Jeremiah. Show Joe what you really are hiding under there. Do it. Do it. Do it. Oh, look at that gut.

Totally a Hillary supporter. I just want to say I feel objectified right now Alright, I pulled the name out of the bucket Here we go, this looks like a new name Put your hands together for Joey Massaro Yeah Alright All right, nice. Just moved to Los Angeles,

so now I'm in a long-distance relationship. I don't know if anyone here has been in a long-distance relationship, but I've got to tell you, sometimes I get lonely when I'm looking at the moon. I know there's a chance wherever she is, she's probably blowing a guy under the same moon. I think my girlfriend got in a chance wherever she is, she's probably blowing a guy under the same moon. Even my girlfriend got in a fight recently too

because she's all in politics, she's all in the election and like all I do is watch football. That's all I do. And like she freaked out at me. She's like, you don't care?

All you do is watch football? You're 5'4", you never played? Why the fuck do you like football so much? Why the fuck do you like football? Who's your favorite

fucking football player? I'm like, right now, at this moment, OJ Simpson. That's my favorite football player. I just love the way that guy finished his career went out on top oh my god my my fucking parents

thank you my my fucking parents are out here they think i'm like gonna be a magician or some shit they don't really care i think the only way I can make my parents proud is if I get murdered by an illegal immigrant just to prove their beliefs. Wow, that sounded more true than a joke. It did, a little bit. Sounds very honest. Just a little bit.

Your parents are a little bit racist? You can tell the truth. Okay, yeah, sure. What do you think their least favorite race is? The least favorite? To support my joke I said, I'll say Mexicans. Well, no, you don't have to support... It's already over.

It's already over. Yeah. How rude. No love for tacos? Nah. If we weren't trying to support your joke, just from what you've heard, the hatred that your parents spill out loud,

what do you truly think, without trying to be funny, what do you think your parents' least favorite race is? I think it'd be Jews. What? Oh, God. See how funny of an answer that is? See how great it is when somebody doesn't try to be funny at all? Just a straight-up honest answer.

I'd have to go with the Jews. Like he's answering an amazing trivia game. What prejudices do they have about Jews? Well, we grew up next to a synagogue a lot. Too much partying? I think they would get

they'd call the cops a lot on us. Really? Yeah. Over what? Every time my parents had people over in the back, they just called. They were pissed off. Wow. My parents invited them all the time. You mean Jewish people would actually, you know, spend the money on the 911 call? Isn't that like a...

I don't think it... It's a good attempt, but I don't think it costs money. I don't think it costs, yeah, money. Yeah, it hit me when it was... I don't think they would call 911 either, right? Just call the police. No, we had a landline, so pretty cheap. Wow.

Wow. So it was the Jews that they hated. Just a couple bad apples. Yeah, a couple. How close did you live to the synagogue? I lived on a cul-de-sac, so. A cul-de-sac. Probably like four houses down.

You lived on a cul-de-sac that had a synagogue on it. Yeah. Now it sort of... There we go. Now it sort of makes sense. Good childhood. Very privileged. These goddamn Jews blocking my way in. Yep. Wow. That's my uncle right there, yep. Where are you from? From New Jersey. New Jersey? Yes. There's a lot

of Jews in New Jersey. There's a good amount. Sometimes they even call it Jew-nerzy. Not for long. Anyway. Did you meet a lot of nice Jews at school and try to convince your parents that it's just the bad ones that live next door? You know what? I did meet a lot of nice Jews, but my parents are who they are. I mean, they're gonna die

soon, so. Wow. What am I gonna do? Change them? They got their beliefs already. Just gotta get them on mushrooms. Alright. Sneak them in. I'll tell them that. Don't tell them. Just sneak it in. Sneak it in there? Like you said, they're going to die soon. Yeah, okay. Fuck it. Put it in the lasagna?

Just cook for them. Yep. Okay, a little homemade meal. I like it. You get these chocolate bars, you can barely taste the mushrooms. Yep. They'll have so much fun, they're just going to walk straight into the synagogue and start praying. I hope. They might sign up. Maybe look for some Muslim. I don't know. Islam. They might just decide who cares what we believe. They're just going to walk straight into the synagogue and start praying. I hope. They might sign up. Maybe look for some Muslim. I don't know. Islam. They might just decide

who cares what we believe. Let's just join. Make these people our friends. You talked about being in a long distance relationship. Yes. Yeah. What was that all about? How long has that been happening? I moved here two weeks ago.

So two weeks. Wow. Yeah, exactly. I just want to say you opened up very relaxed. It was a hard thing to do. You were the first guy up. The first things out of your mouth when you get on stage are always the weirdest to this day, right, wouldn't you say? Yeah.

And you did it very comfortably. And it's a good way to open. You planned it out well. It's a good way to open. You planned it out well. It's a smart way to open. It's like you kind of establish who you are and you did it smoothly. So you could do this, man. Thanks for the applause, guys.

You could do this. It's like everything else, man. It's a long road. It's a long, disgusting road. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. Three years, all in New Jersey. Yeah, New Jersey, New York.

Where'd you work in New Jersey? In New Jersey? I went to Stress Factory a couple times. That's a good spot. So you probably saw a lot of funny comedians go through there. Yeah, I'd say. Good batch. Okay, feel good about this conversation or no?

I did at the first part. What do you do for work? What do you do for work? What do I do for work? Yeah. I don't have a job. I work in a warehouse back there. I saved up money and moved out here. So you're just burning through your savings?

As of now, yes. Uber in it? You're going to Uber drive? That's the plan probably. That's a good move. Get yourself a Prius. Sell crack or something. I don't know.

How long do you think you and your girl are going to be able to stay separated for like this? Answer honestly. So you wrote that moon joke in the past couple weeks, right? Why do I feel like his answer is going to be, well, I'm going to go with the Jews. Mexicans. No, I

I love her. So she's probably going to move out here soon. Is that true? Yeah, she's finished in college. This is too sweet. I love that. You have any special hobbies or skills other than stand-up? Special skills?

Hobbies? Anything fun that you like to do? Anything fun? Uh, I make a mean sandwich. Yeah, fucking. I like food. Uh, any, I don't know, no hobbies. What's your favorite category of porn?

Uh, category of porn. Good one, good question. Uh, I'd have to go with. All right, Sean Spicer. Uh, let me just answer it. I'd have to go with threesome. I'd have to go with threesome. Two guys and a girl, right? Uh, mix it up. Mix me just answer it. I have to go with threesome. I have to go with threesome. Two guys and a girl, right?

Mix it up. Mix and match. Two dicks is sometimes better than one. Yeah, sometimes. Why do you like threesomes? Two girls are in there. Oh, one's not good enough for you? Not always.

I love having females on the band. By the way, Pat, you could not look any more like Atlantis Morissette right now. I mean, it is un-fucking-believable. Oh my god, that's so true. Isn't it ironic?

Don't you think? You're wearing the poncho. So, Joey, fuck yeah yeah what did we learn We learned that you have some good jokes You have a great stage presence And other than that you have the personality of He's fine

Fucking things weird man You can be weird up there too Yeah I took some mushrooms before I came here See don't you wish I would have been mean now I just defer to you now, sir. You have a good nose for crazy people, though. I'll tell you that. Oh, yeah, definitely. Tony Hinchcliffe spots

them right away. They get like one foot on the stage. He goes, oh, yeah. But, Joey, it was nice to meet you. There you go. Joey Massaro. He's on Twitter at Mr. Joey Massaro. M-A-S-S-A-R-O. It's a hard gig, boys.

It is. It is. But now we're in it. We're playing with fire. Jamie Vernon on the HD camera. He's alive. Shit, young Jamie's in the house. There he is.

I'm rocking my powerful hoodie right now. Hey, Tony. Somewhere. Yeah. Hey, Tony, I wanted to say something. I have an album that's out, a new album that's out called Bad Chad. It's out on Spotify and YouTube. Anywhere you just Google it, Pat Reagan Bad Chad,

and you can listen to a new music album by me. So check it out. Wow, I can't believe Alanis Morissette just plugged Pat Reagan's new album. That is so awesome. I didn't realize Pat had a connection with her. Listen to it. It's just my life's work. And I'd like to give a special shout-out.

Someone very awesome is in the crowd. That woman sitting to the right of Pat Reagan in real life, not a character, is Pat Reagan's mom, ladies and gentlemen. Her first ever kill Tony. Wow. Yeah. Wow. You're the one that made this super genius

that we have so much fun with every Monday. Was Pat a weird kid growing up, or did he just become that way over a long period of time? Kind of was that way all along. Wow. What was something weird that he did as a kid with his penis or something like that? Did he ever put it in anything or did you ever

catch him doing something or fiddling around too much? Jesus. Anything good? Second question. Hi, Mom. What about the kid's dick? Man, I wish your son could just move on as fast as you do.

Oh, shit. You never saw him do anything? My mom once caught me jerking off. I had a towel wrapped around my waist, and she walked in, and then the towel was sticking straight out because I had a young boner, healthy, young stallion boner. Anything weird ever happen as a kid with Pat you want to talk about? Young stallion boners just embedded in my brain now.

Before I was the golden pony, I was just a bronze pony. There you go. My mom caught me once, and it was so embarrassing because she knew I was on the couch, and I had a blanket over me, so she didn't see my dick. But I was beaten off, and she came around the corner, and she looked at me, and I pretended a blanket over me, so she didn't see my dick. Right. But I was beaten off and she came around the corner and she looked at me and I pretended I just woke up from a nightmare. I go, oh my God, I was in a nightmare.

I was so scared I thought I was going to die. And I was 16, I didn't know how to lie. And she didn't even say anything. She just looked at me, paused, and then turned and walked away. And now that I have kids, I realize how fucked up that is. Because if my kid told me I thought I was going to die, I was having a nightmare, I'd be like, aw, but you're not. Everything's good.

Look, we're happy. We're here. My mom was like, this fucking loser. And she just turned around and walked away without saying a word to me. I'll never forgive her. Oh, I love that. I've always held that in contempt. I'm like, God damn it, Mom.

What if I was scared? That sounds like... That's a totally true story. Whenever I see her for the moment before I give her a hug, I think of that moment. Like, right as I go to give her a hug, you know I beat off, Mom! Mwah, you made me.

Been having any nightmares lately, Joe? I thought I was going to die, Mom! I pull another name out of the bucket. Uninterrupted 60 seconds up next goes to Pallavi Gunneland. Whoa! You guys, people be raping. They be raping. It's 2017.

It doesn't make any sense. Like, why is it so prevalent, right? We're not fucking Vikings, okay? At least back then you had to grow a beard. You had to build a big-ass ship. You had to sail for three weeks before you got your raping in. And now any casual athlete is doing doing it are you kidding me listen burn a girl's house down first is all i'm saying right like i feel like there's rape culture but we don't have rape culture do you know what i mean

it's it's fucked up times like they're all these neo-nazis graffiting swastikas everywhere and that's like messed up right because swastikas are an and that's, like, messed up, right? Because swastikas are an Indian thing. It's swastika. And the Nazis took that from us. Like, we hated Jews long before you bitches. And they took that from us. All right, thanks. Awesome.

50 seconds of Pallavi Gunalan. Wow. Wow. Did you get raped today? Like, I mean, wow. I mean, Joe's story kind of did it for me. People really be raping that much, huh? People be raping.

People be raping. I haven't seen. I'm hot off the march. How are you? Here too, sister. So funny watching Jeremiah just get handed something. He almost broke for a second. Like, oh, I got to say something.

Oh, my God. It's my whole character right now. It just falls on your lap. Didn't have to work for her. How long have you been doing stand-up? Four and a half months. Okay. Wow.

How much material do you think you have Like overall Probably like 20 minutes now 20 minutes That's a lot Good lord You're really You're really applying

Your like Indian Smart work ethic To this stand up comedy thing So when you When you went on stage And you knew you had one minute How did you decide What to bring up

I've been wanting to do That rape bit for so Jeselnik was here last week And I was like Oh I want to get up And do that rape bit So I like knew I wanted To do that one In the swastika show.

Is that the first time you've ever done it? The rape bit? No, I've done it before. It has worked better before. But I just wanted to do it here. When you've done it before, have you done it in the middle of a set where people already liked you? No, I did it at the improv, like at the beginning of the set. People be raping. People be raping.

Don't forget. And then the swastika thing, has that really been happening? It's true. There's actually an Indian temple in, I think it's Chatsworth, but I've been there before. And the swastikas, it's really old.

Swastikas? Yeah, swastikas. That's an appetizer. The early 1900s. We use it for decoration all the time. It's like an Indian symbol that means peace. So they have to have signs around this temple to explain why it has

swastikas all over it. It's really interesting. We don't hate Jews, just white people. It was an Okinawan symbol. It was a symbol that they used in Okinawa before that. It's a really ancient symbol. And sometimes it goes the other way. It mixes up. It's a super old symbol that the

goddamn Nazis fucked up one time I did that bit here at the show go up and people were quiet because they thought we did hate Jews we didn't have Jews to hate I think you should add that part by the way I think you should make it more real and explain it out

we didn't hate the Jews because we didn't you know you just need to sort of like you could stay in that world for a bit instead of just having it be a one-liner or is there more to that or is that I I did add something to it I was like we like of course we don't hate Jews like we're lucky enough to not have Jews to hate right yeah yeah that's that's exactly it yeah it's perfect you did 50 seconds and that would have been the other 10 seconds yeah that's that's exactly it yeah it's perfect you did 50 seconds and that would have been the other 10 seconds yeah that would have gotten out on a big laugh yeah oh well no i'm just saying like it's since you're taking it there you know you should stay in that pocket for a while i think i think you should start off with a different first line other than people be raping. Okay.

You know? Yeah. Like, rape! Rape on a summer's day! You know? Four months you've been doing this, so how do you make your money? I'm a PhD. I came here before one time and I talked about how I'm a PhD student. PhD student.

Yeah, I get paid for my fellowship. Yeah, because she's a woman. She's smart. She can handle both, Tony. Wow. You're a really hateful woman, Jeremiah. No, I'm a bitch. He's a nasty woman. Jeremiah, do you have another name?

What should we call you? What's your name? You have to transition It's Daisy That was quick Daisy He immediately became Daisy You know swat stickers

What's the difference? My mom's here where's Stacy's mom? She's got it going on. Jesus Christ. I love it. So you got Alanis, Stacy, and Joel Jimenez

just looks like he's a current version of Hulk Hogan. Like after, after getting paid the money. Joel Jimenez looks like Grimes. Like he just took down Gawker. Yeah, I just said that.

Not a Grimes crowd. So your parents are back in India? Are they from here? They are from India, but we lived in Texas, and now they live in Utah. Oh. What do they do? My dad's a civil engineer. He's actually currently running for president of the American Society of Civil Engineers.

Wow. So I'm really hoping I don't tank his career. Real party machine your dad is. Yeah. The president of American Civil Engineers. Yeah. I'm running a social media campaign. What's the craziest, most fun thing you've ever seen him do?

You ever see him do a cake stand or anything like that? Where you're like, man, I can't believe this civil engineer is being very uncivil. I haven't seen him do anything crazy, but I've heard stories of him as a kid and because they didn't have the tech that we have now, they just

went out and fucked around a lot. They had firecrackers and stuff. Oh, yeah. Firecrackers is a pretty extreme thing. Fireworks. And they'd like ride on top of trains and stuff too, right? Yeah, it's something that you're...

Can I ask you, do people get angry at you for joking around about rape? Because you have a very funny line, rape culture versus rape culture. That's very funny. Especially after you set it up with all the Viking stuff and all that jazz and comparing it to football players. Do people give you a hard time about that material? No, they like it.

I found it offensive and I wrote a blog immediately. I shared it. It's a very tricky subject. Even to joke around about it. I think it helps that I'm a female. It definitely does, but still, someone could decide that you triggered them and get really mad at you. I guess you're going to have to not go to comedy shows if that's the case. Yeah.

Whoa. Who's the bitch now? How dare you make sense? Oh, man. How much longer do you have with college? It's a PhD program, so it's not... I don't know what all this means. Yeah, you idiot.

It's a PhD program. So you do a bachelor's, and then you can do a master's, which is generally one to two years, and then a PhD program is like five to six years, and you do a few classes and mostly research, and then after that you can become a professor. Is that what you want to do? I don't know what I want to do.

I think I'm just trying to like... I've heard that with comedy, you have to keep your head down for six to ten years or whatever. What do you mean by keep your head down? Just try to get funny and just work really hard for five or six years before stuff starts happening. So by the time I graduate, I'm hoping that I get good at comedy. There's some perpetual open micers you know it doesn't

matter how many I'm hoping that's not me oh it certainly isn't but the point is it's I guess sort of like I don't know there's not a time thing Tony hasn't even been doing it ten years now it's true not until May kids a savage may is my may is may is my 10-year anniversary of doing stand-up. It's coming. Powerful Tony Hinchcliffe. Which, by the way, reminds me that it's March 2nd or 3rd, episode 200 in the main room of Kill Tony.

200 episodes. Live. Episode 200. That reminds me. I have a new album out. Oh, no. You do, Atlantis? What's it called? It's called Bad Chat.

Bad Chat. Huh. It's actually good. Pallavi, you got a boyfriend? I'm single. What kind of boys are you into? Indian boys? No.

Wow, that was a strong no. It's a fun assumption. Just because the color of her skin, she likes a certain kind of person? That's gross, Joni. I love having this behind me right now. That was like a female Trump. Yeah, that was weird.

Daisy went away. I'm still transitioning. Now that Trump canceled Obamacare, Daisy can't get her meds. Oh, shit. Congratulations. Victim number one, Daisy. I've dated, like, nerds in the past. I'm trying to, like, branch out.

Because I've dated, like, I went to, like, a nerd school, and so I dated, like, physicists and mathematicians and engineers, and now I'm trying to, like... None of the... All the Indians I know, that's what they do, and you got mad at me for asking Indians. They're like, Indians? Fuck no. I'm with engineers and civil engineers. Those guys make horrible husbands. I'm not dating my dad.

You want to date a bouncer. No, they were mostly white nerd dudes. I don't know. Did you get tired of dating smart dudes? Maybe you want to date a dumb dude? Yeah, sure. I'll try it. Would you like to be?

That would be fun, right? You're very smart, obviously. Yeah, I mean, I feel like I should branch out and date somebody more creative or something. Oh, you want to fuck other comics? No. No. No, thank you bunch of dudes you're working with

no thanks you guys get drunk let's watch a movie oh my god it's so hot I'm going to take my pants off as long as you can be cool just keep your head down and suck it sister that's how it works that's how you guys talk to each other yeah that's a 10 year program

but you're not a real girl bro alright excuse me excuse me Is that how you guys talk to each other? Yeah, that's a 10-year program she has. But you're not a real girl, bro. All right. Excuse me? You can't talk to her like that. Excuse me? You can't say, put your head down and suck it. I'm not a real girl? Oh, really, Joe Rogan, really?

First of all, you didn't say it. Alanis Morissette said it. Don't be taking credit for her lines. We are one. We are women heroes. You guys are one. You're like that two-headed Russian kid Yeah

Rush is a phantom enemy Alright Whoa, cryptic Is that in a fucking fortune cookie? No, it's a new Star Wars movie Alright, Pallavi. Anything else? What else?

I went to India recently, and I did comedy there, and it was awesome. What was different? I got to go to three different cities, and it was really cool because I got to go to their version of the comedy store, which is like the canvas. Man, so is it like, I mean. Did you censor your set? No, I asked them everywhere, and only in one city. It was kind of a smaller city, and they were like, just don't make religious jokes, but everything else is fair game.

And other than that, the other two cities, I could do whatever I wanted. And they got, like, all my references, and it was awesome. I once performed one of the first road gigs that I ever did. The great Sam Tripoli told me, he goes, hey, you want to open for me in Modesto, California? And on the way there, and I was excited about this.

It was like my second road gig ever after La Jolla. This is literally, you know, I've been doing it nine and a half years, almost 10, and this was literally like nine years ago. And on the way there, this four-hour drive, I didn't want to be like, I remember I didn't want to be like annoying

or anything. So I just asked once, I go what's this show that we're doing in Modesto? And he goes, bro, you're gonna love it dude. It's a convention of 7-Eleven owners. From around the world. They all come here once a year to meet at this thing.

And I laugh. That's very good Sam Triplett. And it takes place between 7 and 11. Yes. Very good. But I laugh at him thinking that completely it was a joke. And I remember thinking, my God, that would be fun if it was

actually 7-Eleven owners because I would be able to write jokes about, you know, fuck this, I prefer Chevron, you know what I mean? I would have had a whole take on it. Again, I just was like a young kid and I didn't want to be annoying. I was so grateful to be on the ride that I didn't ask him. I didn't go, are you kidding?

So I totally thought he was just kidding. And then we got there and it was actually a convention of seven fucking 11 owners from around the world. My point is, is basically I've also performed in India before. And it was in Modesto, California. Tony Hinchcliffe with the slow burn,

ladies and gentlemen. Even though we interrupted his momentum, he still followed through. But that's a true story. At the beginning, I was like, nah, just hear him out. Thanks, Pallavi. Can I ask you, what was the comedy like in India?

How were the comedians? They were pretty good. There are some comics who have come to the U.S. and come to the comedy store and seen people perform here, too. It's really awesome. It's pretty young. They started stand-up there like six years ago, and so it's super new, and there may be like 70 or 80 comics

total do they take on a lot of sacred cows oh jesus i try to educate uh and uh just trying to be out here repping um and so it was it's like it's pretty so it's pretty cool that they're trying to push comedy. In the smaller city, the venues didn't even know what stand-up was. So you have to explain what stand-up comedy is even before you're like, can I do an open mic here? Because they don't even know what it is. So it's really awesome.

Did the venues have a beef with that? That's another Indian cow joke. That's my girl Betty Reagan. That's pretty crazy. So how many comedians were there in that place that was like the comedy store? So the lineup that night was like, I was on a show and it was like six comics, I think. And was there like a real community? Yeah, so it was awesome.

I went there and I left early because I was visiting family too um but one of the comics I was backstage with him and I was like oh so how long have you been doing this and what did you do like when you took a break from it and it turns out he's like one of the biggest YouTube stars in India and I only found out like after I left and he was like he was like huge and everybody knew his name and I was just like oh what's your name again? Like who are you? That's crazy that stand-up just started there recently because Mark Curry has been famous for a really long Jesus Christ

Mark Curry Pallavi you were you're so fun. And by the way, I think you're absolutely shockingly hilarious for only doing it four and a half months. You have extremely. And I know you did good the last time, too. So that's two killer minutes that you have for doing it four months. I mean, that's fucking like, I mean, you say you have 20. That's incredible. Your material is par non.

Non-bred. I don't even get that one. I had some tonight. They missed that one. Non-bred. Non-bred. Because I'm brown! It's a non-issue. Social cues are telling me to interrupt more.

Alanis. Everything's going to be quite alright. Pallavi Gunnelin, ladies and gentlemen. There she goes. She's on Twitter at PaulGun89 we're having fun Pat's mom you having fun? awesome

no Chris Cyborg huh? no Chris Cyborg didn't come? do you guys know what Tony wrote to her? earlier when I woke up to a tweet. She wrote that she was going to come down. She's been threatening Tony because he made a joke about her penis. Joe basically

forced me to make a joke about her on a podcast with me, him, and Dana White after Holly home beat Ronda Rousey. On this huge podcast, we talked about roasting and you told Dana, Tony can roast anybody. up tony and i'm like that's not how it works what do you mean and i go who do you want me to roast you were talking about roasting fighters yeah we said who would be first yeah and we said cyborg

and then so tony and i both said something totally inappropriate and right regarding uh cutting weight by removing a penis. Yeah. Wow. Which I obviously apologize for. We were drunk. We were half in the bag, 30,000 feet in the air. Yeah.

But anyway, she is not forgiven, Tony. She started threatening him immediately afterwards. And she tweeted this morning, hey, at something other female fighter, Gabby Jiu-Jitsu, who's also a badass motherfucker. She's also 6'3", 240. Yeah, that's unbelievable. Yeah, a strong, reasonable weight for a woman. Gender is just a social construct. She also tagged Worldstar, though.

She tagged Worldstar and TMZ. And she said, hey, what do you say we go to the comedy store for some Kill Tony at Tony Hinchcliffe TMZ? And to which I responded, I go, yeah, come on down. It's a two-drink minimum. 8 p.m., there's a two-drink minimum. But I guess you'll just have some juice because she's been convicted of doing steroids did you say the juice or some juice

but I guess you'll just have juice is what I said even better like no the which by the way I don't know whether she got the joke or not because her response was ha ha ha ha ha what was it yeah probably maybe whether she got the joke or not, because her response was, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

What was it? Yeah, probably. Maybe. But I invited her. And Chris Cyborg, if you're listening, you're more than welcome to come to this show anytime. Because if you lay a hand on me, that video is going to be the thing that I finally needed to put my career into overdrive.

Me getting slapped, choked out. I want it, baby. Please bring it. It's a weird thing, but you got to have all these things in place to be able to make it. I will show you her highlight reel and it will change your fucking mind.

I know. I've seen what she's capable of. The good thing is that she knows... I'll be unconscious after the first thing that she does. If she just slapped me, I would just pass out. So she would show some mercy because she'd be like, I killed him. Hey, Tony. What's that accent?

I could think of... Do that again? How is that? I could think of... It's like Borat. It is my cyborg accent. I have to go to a deeper voice, actually, when I do a cyborg impression. How dare you.

She's just a tough lady. Hey, Tony, didn't you also say every time she queefs, it causes a hurricane? No, I didn't say that. Yeah, I remember when Tony said that. Yeah, I remember when he said that. Either way. Didn't you also say she's the hulk of a woman, she's disgusting? Didn't he say that, too?

Yeah, he said that. In all reality, though, it's just jokes. Yeah. You know, she's disgusting. Didn't he say that too? Yeah, he said that. In all reality, though. It's just jokes. Yeah. You know, it's just jokes. By the way, Tony. And the Brazilians got mad at me for that, by the way. I had a bunch of soccer balls bouncing off my apartment windows for a while.

Those Brazilians do not have a sense of humor about this shit. What are you going to say, Brian? Tony, she's actually in the back. And she's been sitting here watching this whole thing. I talked to her earlier today. Brian, you are one of the worst actors. No, no, no. Guys, give it up for Cyborg.

Let's move on with the show. Okay. I would have been so thrilled by the way I don't know what you guys What do you think is going to happen What I said is true Cyborg if you want to come on this show When was the last time somebody beat the fuck out of you

And when was the last time it was a woman And when was the last time it was the most dangerous woman On the face of planet earth When was the last time it was a woman. When was the last time it was the most dangerous woman on the face of planet Earth? When was the last time it was a woman that outweighs you by a solid 40 pounds? The most powerful woman on Earth is a woman with a voice.

You son of a bitch. How dare you, Daisy? Trying to talk some sense into him I'm trying to make him rationalize That you can't be mean to that lady I want more of this character that you're doing Jeremiah

By the way This might be my favorite ever Just feminist Stacy You should start going on stage like that Yeah People would lose their fucking minds Because you're the ultimate nice guy And you're walking a beautiful, dangerous line.

And it's amazing. Jeremiah Watkins, ladies and gentlemen. One of the funniest people. Part of Kill Tony, part of Roast Battles the Wave, part of Comedy Central's goddamn comedy jam. Jeremiah's got his hands all over everything. We know this guy. He's been coming here for years. Put your hands together For Darren Chase Yeah

Keep it going you guys Killing it as a comic in L.A. I know that because I live in my car. It's not that bad living in your car in L.A., you know? I'm an optimist. Like, you wake up, you're already out of the house. Get stuff done. Dating's kind of tough, though.

Like, date goes well, girl's like, take me to your place. I just pull over. She's like, no, silly. I don't know, shower sex. I'm like, I don't think 24-hour fitness would allow that. Thank you. Oh, man. Smoke a lot of weed.

Smoke so much weed, if I forget something, it's not a brain fart. It's a pothole. Thank you. I'm Darren Chase. fart. It's a pothole. Thank you. I'm Darren Chase. Darren Chase coming in at 50 seconds. People are doing 50-second sets tonight. Look out. Darren, I've known you for how long now?

How long have you been coming here? Two or three years. Three years. It's my three-year anniversary. Joe, and also a message board member of your message board. Rogan board. Darren, 26. All right, dude.

Nice to meet you. Thanks for the inspiration. My pleasure. Wow. That pothole's a very funny joke. No, no, don't. I didn't see it. Nothing's funnier in this world to me than a missed fist bump.

If you're wondering what the central core of my evil sense of humor is, there's nothing that brings me more joy than a missed fist bump. Is a fist bump worse or a missed high five? They're both terrible. What about a handshake? It's not as good. A handshake is a little bit more like that one I sort of feel. I feel like the fist bump is the bigger douche move.

So if you go to pull the bigger douche move and there's no one there. Right. And there's no one there. Right. And there's also less you could do with it. Like the high five. High five can be silly. High five can be like, oh, you're so crazy. Like if they miss it. Fist bump can be silly too, but it has the potential for douchiness. You turn yours into a point?

No, you just make it a gun. Make it a gun. And a handshake is basically neutral. Handshake's neutral. Yeah. It doesn't really have any... There's no shittiness attached or weirdness attached to a handshake. I just start...

If I miss a handshake, I just start popping and locking myself. Nobody knows. That was more Jeremiah than Stacy there. As they say, I'm a student of this year. So, Darren, you've been doing it a couple few years. You've said, I'm a student of this room. So Darren, you've been doing it a couple few years. You've been on the show a few times. A little bit that I know about you, you are an amateur professional

wrestler. That's true. And your character was what? A jobber. A jobber? I lose all the time. But what was your character's name? What was your thing? Darren Chase. My finishing move was called the cut to the chase. God. Wow. You didn't do that in the 50 seconds you were on stage tonight so that's surprising just kidding so darren you're how long you've been living in your car a year what kind of car is it chevy cruz 2011 chevy cruz shout out chevy cruz fuck yeah chevy cruz sounds like tom cruz's

like illegitimate cousin that he doesn't want anybody to know about in Kansas. Is there a parking lot that all the comics that live in their cars, they all go to? Like a CVS in Van Nuys or something? I got my own and it's by a CVS. Do you sleep in your car mostly?

That's gotta suck. You go to a back seat or do you extend the driver's seat back? Lean the seat back, curl up in a ball. Driver's seat? You curl up into a ball in the driver's seat of a Chevy Cruze. You could also curl up into an egg. Oh, my God. I'm just saying, Tony.

I know you were just saying. So, Darren, you're in a Chevy Cruze. It's called comedy. Oh, there you go. You got a laugh on that one. Let's bail back out. Darren, so you're sleeping in your car for the past year, and you have a certain spot. Like, I mean.

Yeah, I got a little area up in Panorama City. It's pretty cool. There's a Denny's with a 24-hour bathroom. Anything crazy ever happen to you in the middle of the night? One guy once tried to wake me up for some weed, but that was it. For some weed? Yeah. Wow, he's just walking down a fucking street and he saw somebody sleeping, and he woke

them up like, hey man, you have any weed? Because if anybody's got good weed, it's the guy that's sleeping in his driver's seat. He has so much to give away to other people. But then again, the weed could be so powerful that you had to stop and pull over, curl up into a ball

so maybe the guy's on to something how often do you get to wrestle amateur wrestling how often do you get to do that I haven't done it regularly for a few years how do you make money right now background acting I work for solar city

background acting I've been in Adam Sandler's new movie Right now, background acting. I work for Solar City, so a few different things. Background acting? Yeah, yeah. I've been in Adam Sandler's new movie coming out. Wow. Oh, wow. Happy Gilmore? What? Adam Sandler's new film, Happy Gilmore?

There is a new Happy Gilmore they're working on right now. Is that true? Wow, you finally realized that that's what we wanted all along. I mean, it really is pretty unbelievable like the drop of quality i'll tell you what though dude you watch that movie with five-year-olds and six-year-olds like when i watch it with little kids they fucking think it's hilarious happy gilmore no not just happy gilmore all of his movies all the netflix ones jill with my with my daughters really we watch that Really? That's what having kids does to you.

You sit around watching Jack and Jill. Where Adam Sandler plays his brother and the sister together. It's funny. It's funny when little kids are howling and laughing. You laugh too. It's funny for them. But there's a part of Happy Gilmore where he's just meeting Chubbs for the first time. Apollo Creed.

And he's still hitting beer cans into a trash can. And Chubbs is like, you could be a great golfer. You got to listen to me. And he's hitting the things. There's a part where he hits his wooden hand out into the street. I literally, every time I watch Happy Gilmore, I rewind that part about 45 fucking times.

It gets funnier every time. The hand lands and he goes, it's okay, it's sturdy, it's made of good wood. And the semi-truck just comes, for no reason, just... And then the next scene, he's got this choppy wooden hand. It's not fixed.

It kills me to my core. And I hate almost all comedy, but there's something about Chubbs' broken body. That whole movie's very funny. Have you seen Meet Joe Black? When Brad Pitt gets hit by the car, I keep reminding it over and over. Oh, you're crazy, Stacy. So, Darren, your background work doesn't seem to really be that much of a consistent job.

So, like, what do you... I work for SolarCity. What's SolarCity? I hang out in Home Depots, and I ask people if they have solar, and that's pretty much it. Hey, do you have solar? And they built a city out of that? Jesus, you guys are swinging for the fence.

It's Elon Musk's company, so it's Tesla now. Oh, well, that sounds promising. Those are some key words that you just said that make it sound like a better job. So are you really getting girls to go on car rides with you? Some, yeah. I mean, mostly go back to their place. How ugly are they? Well, you know.

Excuse me? Yeah, that did not get a laugh at all. The spirit is on the inside of her body, not the outside, Tony Hinchcliffe. So how does that work? You go back to their place. I mean, that's kind of the end of it. I don't trust Elon Musk. What?

Do you ever? Why don't you trust Elon Musk? Because I used to watch interviews with him, and he's a loon. He's like a cult sort of leader, and I don't think his vision is that. I just think he's full of shit. You mean he's the CEO of a company? He's a cult leader. Okay.

I don't trust him. Why not? Who do you trust? What? Why not? Well, did you see the Werner Herzog documentary about the internet? Yes. His interview with him, and he was talking about how he had nightmares.

Now, that's fine that he has nightmares, but I just think – Did he really have nightmares, or did he just get caught jerking off by his mom? You know what I mean? That's the real question. Wow. Powerful, Tony. That's what a home run looks like, everybody. So what about it bothered you so much that you're like, fuck Elon Musk?

Because I know if he was sitting here right now, you probably wouldn't be saying, fuck Elon Musk, right? Well, if he was on the panel, not. No. But if you met him, would you be like, fuck you, man? No, I don't say that to people. Right. But you're like saying it to like a million people. I don't know.

I'm not a futurist like he is. Oh, backpedaling. Would you ever buy one of his products? Would you ever buy one of his products? Would you ever buy one of his products? I don't know. I mean, Tesla. Yeah, would you ever buy a Tesla if you could? I'm going to stick with my guns.

Fuck Elon Musk. Wow. Guys are fucking loon, dude. But I still don't understand why you think he's a loon. We'll give you a chance to express yourself. I think a lot of people are loons. So I'd rather not go too deep here, but I really

think he's a fucking loon with no vision of the future. I seriously thought he was a cologne brand this entire time. Ground roll double, everyone. I don't think you get to be a super genius without being a little odd. I think you got to look at the guy's accomplishments.

They've been pretty stellar. It's amazing. He's always involved in these super successful companies. When you hear him talk about technology in the future, he seems very measured, very aware, very intelligent. But yet he has to deal with fuckheads like you. He has a Scientology. Call him a loser. He has a Scientology quality about him that loser. He has a Scientology quality about him

that bothers me. It's called being really fucking smart. That bothers me. Did you see when he was on Colbert's night, the late show, and he was talking about polarizing Mars? He said he would drop nukes on. Colbert goes,

oh, you're a supervillain. He was like, oh, yeah, maybe. Yeah, he's a fucking villain, dude. He's the bad guy. He's the fucking bad guy. He's gonna drop nukes on the poles to change the climate of Mars, he was saying. If nothing lives there, why not?

Elon Musk is a friend of rich people. Boom. That's it. He's a fucking loon, dude. Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat. What the fuck is going on? Byron Bower is tackling. Oh, Byron.

Byron? Powerful Byron Bower. Byron Bower is tackling. What did you say, Byron? Byron'sers is heckling. Oh, Byron. Bye, Byron. Powerful Byron Bowers. Byron Bowers is heckling. What did you say, Byron? I got rich, man. Byron's got rich, bro. Congratulations, Byron. All right, Darren.

Well, what did we learn today about you? What's your plan to get out of the car? Are you saving money at SolarCity? I'm putting away a little bit of time. I should be good in a few months I think when you're hooking up with chicks when you get back to their place do you ever put on your wrestling tights and cut to the chase you know what I mean it's the finishing move Tony

wow alright there he goes Darren Chase everybody he's on Twitter at Darren Chase takes some serious balls to stand in front of a bunch of people and tell them you live in your car yeah Chase. Take some serious balls and stand in front of a bunch of people and tell them you live in your car. Yeah. It seems like a lot of comics actually do live in their car

though. There's been like one out of four open mics. It's a cool story when it's over. Yeah. You know like after it's done you're like dude I used to live in my car. Check out my pool. You know. It definitely only works. Once you're balling. Yeah.

It definitely only works when it's like a success story. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, once you're balling. It's true. Byron Bowers, probably on acid again. Are you? No, no, no.

Okay. What do you do? Microdose? I didn't want to freak you out. If I was on acid, somebody called me out and be like,

no. I got to get out of here. This is too fucking real. I read a great thing about microdosing the

other day. I've done it a bunch of times. I got some. Make you feel good? the other day I've done it a bunch of times I got some make you feel good? allegedly I got some yeah yeah

it's good stuff it should be legal 100% you mean micro dosing like taking a small amount every single day for a long period of time no you don't have to micro

you can micro dose just one time it's just like instead of taking a dose take a micro dose it's totally functional the thing about it is powerful Byron Bowers you don't hallucinate.

You go to my Instagram, you see a picture of Byron at the post office, high on acid. Oh yeah. Just a micro dose. No big deal. He licked the stamp. With a big smile on his face. He licked the stamp, Pat said.

Yeah, I just think it should be legal. You could fuck yourself up with it, but you could fuck yourself up with everything. And people do every day. And it helps people in a lot of ways. Yeah, like love. It could be no time at all. I remember it was just recently I was sitting right next to you live at the End of the World podcast in the main room

when we found out that marijuana was legalized for the first time ever. That was awesome. We lit up a joint. I have a big old framed picture of that. When Burt came out and told us and took his shirt off and started swinging it in the audience. It's one of the greatest pictures of all time. It's so awesome. The whole audience has their arms up in the air because at that moment

they realized. Wow. This thing that they had known their whole lives that there's nothing wrong with it. Finally it makes sense now. Finally it makes sense, and finally it's legal. And we were all cheering. It was honest. It wasn't prepared. We didn't know it was coming

because Bert just came out and told us, and everybody's reaction was just totally spontaneous. It's pretty awesome. Pot's legal, motherfuckers. I pulled another name out of the bucket. 60 Seconds Uninterrupted goes to Bruce Gray. You got movement up there? There he comes.

It's Bruce Gray, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, y'all? Yeah. Girl I used to have a crush on in high school followed me on Twitter the other day. Must have heard I was poppin'. Went over to see what she was up to. Went over to look at her Twitter.

A lot of troubling stuff is what she's been up to. First thing I see on her Twitter says if any guy wants a chance with me, he better love eatin' ass. I was like, okay. I don't love it, but I can maybe make this work. Next tweet said,

I literally eat at Panda Express every day. I was like, okay. Maybe a chance isn't what I need right now. I think I'll be fine without a chance. Did you guys see that Nazi get punched? How fun was that? It was a fun thing It's good old fashioned American fun

I don't know I hope that's like the new form of assassination Because like If there was a video of Donald Trump getting shot in the head I could probably watch it five times But if there was a video of Donald Trump getting knocked out Like he was on Worldstar I could watch that hundreds of times

And be just fine Cool, thank you guys very much. Bruce Gray. Can't believe you're that anti-Donald Trump since you look like Baron if he got locked in the pantry for a year. Wow. How dare you talk about your father that way.

My daddy. You opened up with a very funny, like the way you stated that premise. Anybody who wants a chance with me, better love, heat, and ass. It was very funny. And it's one of those things we hear and you go, wow, there's something there if he waters it. You know, like if you keep going with that premise, there's something hilarious about someone having, like, some ridiculous demand like that on their Twitter page. Yeah, and just being a gross person.

It's very funny. She eats at Panda Express every day. It made me smile. So, like, there's totally something there. I'm really surprised that you don't eat ass since you spent years working at a chocolate factory. You oompa Loompa looking motherfucker. For those of you that didn't get

that one or filling out your bills. That wasn't that good. He looks like an Oompa Loompa. That wasn't that good. That was a big stretch. But don't you agree about that? His first premise is very funny. There's totally something there. Yeah.

It was funny. It was a funny way to start a set, too. It geared me up for laughs. I'm like, okay, this is going to be good. Cool. Thank you, man. You're welcome. You did good. You had a tough job of resetting the room from an awkward energy.

I think you did good at that. I was pushed so far into the back that I didn't see what happened, but I'm kind of glad I didn't. You did so good, Pat dropped the girl voice. Pat became a dude again. Do you live in your car? No, I don't. Congratulations.

No. You live with your parents? No, I live in a big house. It's in a country club, but I have nine roommates. Wow. It's fun, though. Yeah, it's called white privilege. Yeah.

You wouldn't know. Daisy, aren't you white, too? Daisy. Let's not talk about that. So you're living at a country club with who? Like nine random people. It's like a big house. It's just boring.

I don't know. I thought it'd be cool. It's just a bunch of roommates? Yeah. But it's a country club. Yeah, it's like a big house that some dude bought and then rented out each room individually to make more money. Oh, wow.

That's actually a smart move. It's a really smart move. The house is, like, falling apart. He's a bad guy. He's a bad dude. Like, he built this house like shit. And it's like all the neighbors are normal people and it's full of scumbags like me, basically. Yeah.

What's the worst thing about the house? There's the laundry thing. It kind of just, like, there's just a pipe coming out of the wall at this kind of angle and it just shoots water sometimes like a hose I pay so little rent that I'm afraid to say anything about it really I just want to keep continuing

my life semi-comfortably and not worry about it There's definitely something very funny in that what you just said. Do you talk about that on stage? Yeah, I talk about having a lot of roommates and, like, yeah. It's funny, dude. How low is your rent?

I share a room with another guy, and I pay $350. What? $350 a month? That's ridiculous. Wow, that's like a storage unit. It's a sweet room. It's a nice room, and it does a house with a pool. Wow.

Yeah. That's nice. Good deal. That's why I don't want to talk to my landlord ever. I just want to keep living this way. Yeah. By the way you're shaped, I thought you and your roommate were splitting the kitchen. Oh.

You son of a bitch. You can't help yourself. I can't. What do you do for work, Bruce? I'm unemployed right now, but I'm getting unemployment. So I got a... I used to work at an office, and then it was like a shitty startup

that was just a terribly ran business, and then they had to downsize, and so they fired me, basically. I don't know. They fired me, but they told me two weeks before they were going to fire me. Like, hey, we're going to fire you on the 16th, so get ready for that.

That's nice of them. Yeah, I know. That's pretty cool. That's considerate. How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost five years. It'll be five years in, I think, June. Are you getting paid at all?

Sometimes. Like, I did a few shows out of town, I think, three weeks ago, like Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and we got paid. And how often a week do you think you get on stage? Especially getting more. I got up on stage last week 23 times. Wow. For that.

Thank you. Hustle. I'm very sad. The jump man. It's good. Especially like being – I'm just trying to get up as much while I'm unemployed until I have to go be a slave again. How long do you get unemployment for? I don't know, honestly.

I think a few more months. Alright, man. Nine roommates, huh? Yeah. But it's like, there's like a... This dude is such a piece of shit. He turned the garage into like a studio. Like, there's no garage door.

He just built over the garage door. Like, and just put two more people. So, it's really seven. I never see two of them. Because two of them live in the garage. Yeah, basically. How many bathrooms are in this house? Two. There's also one in the studio.

Man. Oh, jeez. What, he's doing legal or no? That's super illegal. It's definitely probably illegal. It's definitely illegal. If somebody knows a way I can make money off of this, talk to me after the show and I'm totally

Byron's losing his shit right now. Can we go to like an Adam Carolla show where he calls like a comment, comes out and just shows how shitty the house is built? Wow. What race is the guy that owns it? That's a good question. Good question. I almost don't want to say now.

I think he's a gentleman of Indian descent. Oh, man. We've really crossed the street. We've heard a little something about all of these favorite races. If you think about it, it makes sense that an Indian guy owns it. It's a numbers game. Look how much money that guy's making. I'm glad I didn't see whatever weird happened before this. All the weird hints going off right now are making me...

I don't know. You're fine, dude. So sometimes there's two bathrooms in this place. So say sometimes you're in there taking a shit, right? I mean you. You are on there pooping. That means that there could be multiple guys waiting to use that bathroom. Oh, no, no.

Yeah, so the bathroom I use, it's me and four other people that use it. Do you guys leave your toothbrushes in that bathroom and stuff? No, I don't do that. Everybody like packs separately and just brings in a thing. Basically, it's like a weird like hostile. 24-hour fitness. Yeah, but it's like a 24-hour fitness. Or 24-hour fatness, whatever it's called.

Oh, my God, Tony. Thank you very much. You're a monster. I mean, for the price That's way better than Like a car I'm totally cool Yeah I mean I'm out

Pretty much I'm out every night So like I just go there and sleep Maybe write and then leave Well there you go Aren't you a jolly little fellow I am dude

I'm jolly I'm very I like your style Bruce Funny stuff Five years Keep going We'll see you again soon Cool thanks y'all

Alright Bruce He's on Twitter at Bruce Gray Nice meeting you man your style, Bruce. Funny stuff. Five years. Keep going. We'll see you again soon. Cool. Thanks, y'all. He's on Twitter at Bruce Gray. Nice meeting you, man. People are making fun of that poor Baron kid a lot, huh? I think he's adorable. I think he's cool as fuck. Me too. I like just watching him. I know. I think he's like the...

I think we should be fucking proud to have this little blonde baller in our fucking White House. Daisy, do you think people could be transracial? Absolutely. Why do you think that is? Because I don't know what that means. I fucking knew it. I knew it.

I'm trying to decide. What it means? It's not whether I'm on board with transracial. It's like the Rachel Delbazal person. If you had to fuck one of them if they were real women, which one would you fuck? Either Joel, Jeremiah, or Pat. Seriously, who?

I already picked. I would pick Joel. I think it is Joel. Joel looks like a great blonde look at his fucking features he has very nice cheeks I chose that for his

bone structure is he really exotic is Gallagher coming up later why are you guys wearing raincoats oh because it was raining during the marches

we've been marching for so long it's been raining the inclement weather we've been at that a long time and ponchos were 99 cents each at the dollar store the marches. We've been marching for so long. It's been raining the inclement weather. We've been at that a long time. And ponchos were 99 cents each at the dollar store.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to Michael Scott. Is there movement up there? You see anybody moving, guys? I guess he got stuck at the office. You guys see movement up there? Can you signal something? Nobody moving?

Then that means one thing. If somebody misses their spot now, you know what happens. And they've split up on the one-by-one, doing the new solo act for the first time ever. So this situation will not be the Verzi triplets. It will be Mitchell Verzi, ladies and gentlemen. He's gone solo. He's flown the coop. One of the three triplets.

What's going on? Yeah, so I'm a triplet. And we have an older brother, too. And I got made fun of the most, clearly. I always try to do my own thing, like I write poetry, or as my brothers call it, faggot writing. I don't know what it is. I like it. I like it. And as Tony likes to point out, every time I'm up here, I have a lisp, which comes out when I have to say the word lisp.

A lisp is like an alarm that lets everybody know that God hates you. That's just kind of what it is. I don't know how to get rid of it. Yeah. Poetry and a lisp in a household with three brothers. Like, I'm still convincing them that I'm not gay, you know? And when I was 13, I grew my hair out, and they decided, all right, perfect time to cut it.

So what they did is they held me down, and they got a pair of clippers, and I got really flustered. And I was trying to get, I was yelling at them to get them to stop, but it came out as, stop! Stop! I'm serious, guys! Finish. And, uh...

You know the... No, you're not allowed to do that if I tell them to finish, Brian. You're out of control. You hate these versi-triplets so much. I didn't hear you say finish. It's amazing how much you... I did not hear you say finish. All right.

The fact that they care so much about my hair is kind of gay. Just a little bit. All right, thanks, guys. That was the ending? Jesus. Dude, you got side-railed or derailed rather by a hissy fit. It fights shit, man.

100% better than ever. Way better than any time we've ever seen you before. Right, guys? I would like to see now... Someone you'll know? No, they know. Every time we see you it's your brothers and it's this big cheesy bullshit I've seen it before right where they hand off the microphone and all three of them have mics at the same time oh you've never seen

it's like carnival no it's not that well do we have a surprise for you the boys are in the they literally are they are let's just clarify how many other people in the room knew what Brian was talking about? A couple people have seen it before? So you have seen him do the thing before? They're on every episode. Well, here's the thing. If we have three people on stage at the same time, we can't dive into each individual personality without taking up 45 seconds.

It's just easier for us to clump together and do a bit that way. Why do you think you're the one with the lisp? Why? Yeah. Where does the lisp? Why? Yeah. Where does the lisp come from? I have no idea. Something happening? Doctors don't know?

They have no idea? You know, I didn't have it for a long time, and I broke my nose, and I think maybe that may have something to do with it. You broke your nose? Whoa. How old were you when you broke your nose? Like 13. Oh, yeah?

And that's when you started lisping. I think so. Yeah. Well, I never got it fixed. We were playing football, and I got whatever pushed into. Well, I never got it fixed. We were playing football and I got whatever pushed into a fence and it just broke it and my brother's like, alright, we'll put it back in place and they just cranked it back in place.

Does your brothers have like that smirk with your lip also? Because maybe that's connected. What? Like how your mouth kind of goes sideways on one side. Oh, I don't know. I think that's... Did they do that too? Anyway. Now I do see that your don't know. I think that's... Did they do that too? Anyway. Now I do see that your nose was broken.

I can sort of see. It's got a little C shape to it. Was your palate broken too? And how bad was the injury? Oh, I don't know. Because if you shatter your palate and it pushes the shape of your face in, it'll change the way you make noises with your face. And your lip.

Yeah, because literally it changes the musical instrument of your mouth. It happens to people sometimes. Like when people get their nose broken, it definitely changes their voice, but I've never heard of it giving a lisp. But if you've got your palate broken too, it's possible. Yeah. Dark shit. There's only one way for us

to know. It's time that we break the other Versi triplets' noses. Have you ever? We've got to bring Cyborg in here. Yeah. We'll get him down here. And ever head kick your brothers. I was hoping Cyborg was here because she, for some reason,

randomly commented on one of my pictures. Really? Yeah. Well, she's been researching Tony for a while. What did she say on your picture? Well, I forgot what UFC number it was, but I posted a picture of myself and Rose Namajunas side by side because I think

we look alike. And she just commented on it randomly saying, really cool. And that was it. Wow. Because she's a supportive woman.

She's probably high as fuck. Maybe. That's probably what it was. She's sitting in front of the computer just, I'm just going to be nice. Yeah. So in the picture,

you and Rose looked alike? Yeah. We have a very similar haircut. Or when I cut my hair at the time, you and Rose looked alike? Yeah. We have a very similar haircut. Or when I cut my hair at the time, we did. Do you think she punches and kicks the keys when she taps? Ha! Oh, boy. So, Mitchell.

Yeah. How else are you different than your brothers? Fuck, I don't really know, man. Do you smell the same? I don't know. I can't really smell either. Do you wear cologne, same deodorant? You've got to get your nose fixed.

I'll get it checked out. I had it done. I had a deviated septum from being broken a bunch of times. Yeah, they go in there, they cut out all the bad shit and put tubes in there and pack it. It takes two weeks and then you're better again. But in two weeks,

you'll be a totally new human being. Aren't you the one that had a Band-Aid on the cold sore a few weeks ago? Yeah, I did. Yeah, and I think that took two weeks

to go away. That took almost three, yeah. Yeah. Maybe the lisp is from herpes. Could be. Could be. Could be from something. Yeah. But yeah but yeah no we I mean we had the same job like we all we drive we were for our dad right destruction we all drive in the same truck together oh my pick up garbage and you like all had the same packed lunches and shit every day

I'm playing doctor here I'm playing doctor here but when does the lisp come on does it come on if you're flustered or if you're trying to get more air If you're trying to talk faster or louder I honestly don't know I don't notice it Tony I mean Tony's the one that picked it out Yeah

I mean There we go Whoa That's my brother Alex Anybody that's listening Your tongue is Keeps knocking into your teeth Like if I had to guess

And I'm not a doctor Yeah Somebody fucked your teeth up bro And they pushed your teeth in when your nose got broken. Like the whole thing pushed in. Because it seems like your tongue is like struggling in there. It keeps banging up against your mouth. So then the full word doesn't come out right because it's fucking with the door.

Well, I had braces and I never wore my retainers. So maybe they're shifting around. Yeah, that's what's going on. And that was when you were around 13 years old. Yeah. It was all around that same time. That's right. Mike Schmidt has figured out what I've figured out.

I don't think it was your broken nose. I think that the top of your mouth, because I can sort of see it, you do have what they would call an underbite, correct? Yeah. Like a shih tzu. Very prominent one. Like a shih tzu. Yeah.

It's like a bulldog. And your tongue is bouncing off of those top teeth, and you didn't wear your retainer, which happened at the same time as the broken nose. Yeah. So not only should you get your nose fixed. I should start wearing my retainer. It's time to wear the retainer. I mean, you already have cold sores.

It's not going to take away any of your secret. I should start caring about my health a little more. Yeah, definitely. Wow. Man. You think that's a triplet thing, not caring about your health, because you don't want to seem like the weakest link? I feel like that would be more reason to care about my health.

Right? Sorry. All right, dude. weakest link. I feel like that would be more reason to care about my health. Right? Sorry. Alright, dude. Dr. Rogan and Hinchcliffe. My bad, guys. I think we've solved your relationship. Go get your face fixed, Mitchell. I'm glad that we finally

did get to speak one-on-one with one of the Bersie triplets. I do like this. It's very funny, though, dude. There he goes. Your first Berszi triplets. I do like this. We'll see how this develops. It's very funny, though, dude. There he goes, your first Verzi triplet, Mitchell Verzi. We're going to have another Verzi triplet on next week. I like it. Way better. It was funny.

Normally, there's three of them at once, and they all finish each other's sentences and everything. Maybe that's the problem. You're always fighting since he finally had one chance on stage by himself. Wouldn't it be crazy, though, if they all started doing it separately and then had to fight each other? Which one's the most popular?

One was headlining. I honestly think that this three people doing it themselves thing is like a psychological game that will break up the Virzi triplets. Yeah. I agree. Less or more fucked up than Elon Musk. One of them's going to go. One of them's gonna... Since your opinion's so awesome.

One of them's gonna go full... Man, Joe Rogan is feisty. Put your hands together. You know him. Ladies and gentlemen, Comedy Store employee, former guest on the Joe Rogan Experience. Put your hands together for Mike Schmidt, everybody.

I hope you like poems. This first poem is called Downtown Los Angeles. Like the quiet rain, a gentle pitter, the softest patter, ballerinas dance into your ears. I am the sound of masturbating hobos. This next poem is called Modern Love. I'm supposed to pick a restaurant, but all I want to eat is this revolver. And in honor of the parade, this poem is called Womanhood, number 28. Like a powerful storm ever shifting, always rising, changing, growing I hate all my sweaters

thank you very much exactly one minute very funny everything all the way around Mike Schmidt, how long have you been on stand-up? Two months less than you. Wow. Yeah.

But you did it all in where? Wisconsin. In Wisconsin, yeah. Madison? Yeah, Madison, Wisconsin. Very cool. Is that where you went to college? Yeah, yeah.

Where are you from? I'm from central Wisconsin. I'm from Port Edwards, Wisconsin. So if I did the hand thing, it's right in the middle. Gotcha. It's a swamp town. It's beautiful. And you've worked at the Comedy Store now for how long? Like a year and a half,

I think. You're how old? I am 37. And you have some crazy degree or former job or something? Oh, a lawyer, right? Yeah. I have a doctorate in jurisprudence. It's a fancy way of saying that I can take people's money because I know what words mean.

Mike, you sound like a late night NPR DJ. Yes. Who plays Electronica. Oh, yeah. I have another poem for you. Vince McMahon. So you can actually lawyer up right now if you wanted to? No. No, because I'm not licensed

to practice in the state of California. Is that a test? It is a test, and a lot of people fail in this state. Would you pass? I didn't take it here. Here's the thing. In California, anyone can take the test to be a lawyer. When you decided to become a shady lawyer,

is that when they gave you that Better Call Saul haircut that you have? Yes. Actually, no. shady lawyer is that when they gave you that better call Saul haircut that you have yes yes actually no if you if you are a criminal defense attorney for more than 12 years you have to have a ponytail if you've ever watched any crime show the guy that's getting it was like whoa your client went to prison and it's

always a guy with a ponytail yeah yeah fucking always any crazy cases that you had? Not that I can discuss. Nothing fun. Oh, that's how it works, huh? Yeah.

What about any ones that you can't discuss? Yes, a lot. Shit gets nuts. I'll tell you, if you want something, very often defendants are not sexy. Hot defendant is the rarest thing in the criminal justice system. Like race, ethnicity, no. Hotness.

So what's the... Why do you think that is? Hot people don't get in trouble? Have you talked to them? When's the last time you cried? Good question. Oh, okay. Tuesday. What'd you you cried? Good question. Oh, okay. Tuesday. What'd you cry about?

My dog. What about it? He died. Oh, Jesus. What did it do? Go on the Hillary March? That doesn't even make sense. That wasn't supposed to happen.

You were just hoping for a Hillary March reference. Like, force it in. I'm an idiot. Shoehorn it. It was a fair attempt. How dare you drag her name into that joke. Wow.

How long did you have your dog for? 14 years. Oh my God. What kind of dog was it? Soft-coated Wheaton Terrier. Just stop it already. What was his name? Wembley.

Wembley? Oh, fuck. Did you put it to sleep or did you find it or did you get hit by a car? No, he got put to sleep because he had a lot of things failing. Wow. With a voice like yours, did you just read him a book? Yeah, and he fell asleep. Got put to sleep or?

No. Okay. Wow. Pistol joke is very funny. Yeah, very hilarious stuff, Mike. I mean, you're doing it. Thank you very much. okay wow pistol joke is very funny yeah yeah very hilarious stuff Mike I mean you're doing it thank you very much

what's your favorite thing that's happened to you in your year and a half working here at the comedy store well I liked being on Joe's podcast okay that was probably the most fun

because it was on the 4th of July and that was so it was a super super fun 4th of July yeah and Wembley was still alive everything was good yes my dog was not dead

at that time so not only was I in. Everything was good. Yes. My dog was not dead at that time. So not only was I in the podcast, but I got to pet my dog. Thank you for reminding me, Tony Hinchcliffe. You're welcome. Yes. It was a great episode. All your stories about being a criminal defense attorney, they're pretty intense. Yeah.

You know, I met Mike when we were in the parking lot one day. We just had a conversation, you conversation, and he was working here. He started talking about all the crazy systematic racism that he had to deal with when he was working at the store. Or excuse me, working as a lawyer. Store's not racist. Let's be honest. I got confused there for a moment. But your stories are intense, man.

It was a crazy podcast. Very revealing. And a lot of people really enjoyed it. So thank you for doing that. Thank you for having me. You're killing it. You're a smart guy, Mike. And you're treating the job.

It's one of those people where he's doing it right. Mike Schmidt. He's on Twitter at The Shinola. What do you guys think? Should we go to the bucketShinola. What do you guys think? Should we go to the bucket one more time? What do you guys think? What do you guys think? Why not, right?

What do you ladies think over there? We know you like to get in and out of work as fast as possible. Yeah, let's do one more. My anti-women joke are not working at all tonight. Oh, speaking of women, we know this young lady. She's been on the show a couple times. Put your hands together for Kirsten Alberts, everybody. Thank you.

I worked as a waitress in a strip club once. For me, stripping wasn't really an option because the only curves I have are from scoliosis. Plus, I'm cool with my dad. But if you strip, you do it to support a kid or get a degree, and those things are stupid. And, you know, I don't consider myself sexy. I'm cute, you know, and like a prepubescent, I can keep a secret sort of way.

But when I went in to apply for the waitressing job, the manager was like, yeah, we're actually interviewing people tomorrow, so when you come back in, just make sure you look camera ready. I was like, okay, camera ready, like just from the neck up. And she was like, what, we're actually interviewing people tomorrow, so when you come back in, just make sure you're camera ready. I was like, okay, camera ready. Like, just from the neck up? And she was like, what do you mean? I was like, you know, can I have grass in a forest, or do I need to pave paradise and put up a parking lot?

You know what I'm saying? She's like, no, I don't know what you're saying. I was like, you know, can I save the rainforest? Or do I need to endanger my species? You know what I mean? She's like, no, I don't know what you mean. or do I need to endanger my species? You know what I mean? She's like, no, I don't know what you mean. I was like, can I let the Indians keep their land?

Was that the end of that? Is there more? Or do I need to give them some smallpox? Ah, that's very funny. You're very funny. You've been on the show a few times. We know you as a dirty hippie comic. This is what we figured out about you.

You never shower. I'm reminded because your Twitter handle is literally Dirty Hippie Comic. We found out that you really are just a dirty hippie comic. You don't shower much. Yeah, I mean, I'm trying to do it more. I'm working on it.

How's that been going for you? Is that hard? It's hard. But, you know, I've been taking more because it's been so cold lately, and it heats me up. Shit keeps on falling. Didn't you say you don't flush the toilet except once a day you just keep on going on top of it? Is that true?

Over and over and over again? I don't remember telling you that, but I... Wow. In one of the creepiest moments of Kill Tony history, Brian just guessed that this chick doesn't flush all the time. What kind of weird camera? I could tell. I could tell her personality.

I mean, that feels like a compliment. Let me ask you a question. You took a poop in the morning, right? You'd leave it there. No, I flush when I poop. Poop. Yeah. But pees, you'll let.

Why? Because I just want to conserve water. And also, we were in a drought. We're not in a drought anymore. Are you going to change your? Because I just want to conserve water. We're not in a drought anymore. We're never going to drought again after what's happened here this past month. I think of people who need water. I don't want to hear that fucking word again. This rain has sucked.

You're such a bitch. I hate it. It rains five days in six years. It's enough. It's not been five days. rains five days in six years. You're like, it's enough. It has not been five days. It's not been five days. I know because I bought my brand new unbelievable car the week of Christmas, and it has a big, fat, giant sunroof that I've had closed since I fucking got it

because it's rained every fucking day. On that note. Fuck the environment, man. On that note, God bless all the homeless people out there in the rain. It's tough to be out there. Josh, what do you got? Your hand up.

What's up? Oh, shit. Yeah, I got you, Josh. We know. What are you saying, Josh? That's the end of the episode. Cockblocker. Josh is the party.

Josh is the party. Josh is the cockblocker. You've heard of Darren Carter, the party starter. Josh is the opposite of whatever that is. You're very funny. It's really funny. That was some great stuff. That means a lot. Carter, the party starter. Josh is the opposite of whatever that is. You're very funny. It's really funny.

That was some great stuff. That means a lot. Very, very funny lines. All the vagina hair stuff killed me. Yeah. It was really good. Extremely well written. Yeah.

Extremely well delivered. Awesome stuff. You know, fast. I mean, you've always done good, but still, like, I could tell there's, like, a new, very confident swagger. You've been working hard, doing a lot of spots? I perform a couple's a new, very confident swagger. You've been working hard, doing a lot of spots? I perform a couple times a week. I try to write more than perform.

Because I don't like going unless I have something new. I feel like you have a lot of pee in your toilet right now. Depends. How long have you been doing stand-up now? It's going to go on five years in May. Wow. You're very funny. Thank you.

There she goes, ladies and gentlemen. Dirty Hippie Comic, Kirsten Alberts on Twitter at Dirty Hippie Comic, H-I-P-P-Y. Look what Ryan J. Ebalt did

while you all sat there. Bunch of badasses. Ryan J. Ebalbel drew tonight's episode. That art's at ryanjebel.com along with the official Kill Tony poster. Check out all my tour dates at tonyhingecliff.com. Patty Reagan has a new album out. Listen to my fucking album. I'm serious.

Please, for fuck's sake. I need something. It's my whole fucking life. Say the name of it again. It's called Bad Chad. It's really really good. It's really good. Pat Reagan.

P-A-T-R-E-G-A-N. Wait. Did I spell that right? Reagan. P-A-T-R-E-G-A-N. Wait. Did I spell that right? Yeah. Yeah. Jeremiah Watkins. Hey, I'm at Jeremiah's stand-up. You need to get a Twitter handle for Daisy.

I don't know if I want to commit that to it. Daisy Watkins. Someone's already got it right now. Probably. As soon as I said it, somebody just... Roast Battle 2 is on Comedy Central. Jeremiah is killing it on there. Joel Jimenez is on Twitter at MostlySorry.

Make sure you reach out to Jeremiah Watkins on social media. And watch Comedy Central the 26th, 27th, 28th, and 29th. Yeah, they're totally going to watch. Joe Rogan, thank you so much. My pleasure. Thank you. Unbelievable. So much fun.

Fun times, as always. Love it. Thank you, live audience. Have a good night. Thank you, guys. We're going to turn and burn because the Ding Dong Show is up next in this room.

Fuck you all I got a reason to live And I'm never gonna die Fuck you all I got a reason to live And I'm never gonna die Fuck you all, I got a reason to live And I'm never gonna die. you